#i just don't think jamie would want to stay in london

[faithinchances]

Hello hello! I’m just here to knock on your door because I saw your tags on the ‘Jamie’s post-s3 career path’ poll and I really enjoyed them! (And didn’t want to clog up the notes of someone else’s poll about it)

If you ever wanted to share more in detail about any of these options, I’d love to know more! I am also delighted by the concept of Jamie moving to Leverkusen and ending up under Xabi Alonso, but Barca and Liverpool also have my interest.

No rush or expectations on answering this whatsoever. Just if you ever do feel like sharing, I would love to hear more.

Hm. So Leverkeusen is the option I know the least about and Xabi Alonso is 100% of the reason I put that as an option; he started at Leverkeusen in 2022, which is also when s3 ends, which means they would arrive at the same time. Xabi himself is a midfield legend for Liverpool with a famously amazing first touch, and Jamie also has an amazing first touch.

I am very much hoping (delusionally) that Xabi will end up at Liverpool next year, I think that would be poetic and fun and he seems like a really good coach, but on the subject of Liverpool and coaches: Jurgen Klopp.

He's probably a bigger inspiration for Ted than Pep is.

Pep is a brilliant tactician, deeply passionate, absolutely nuts, always losing it on the sidelines, whereas Klopp at least once forced his team to celebrate losing a final, ie, forced them to celebrate getting to a final even if the result wasn't what they wanted. I just watched the TAA interview with Gary Neville, and he also apparently doesn't focus on winning or losing, just wants Liverpool to be the hardest team to beat because they work so hard. All very Ted.

Except that crucially, Klopp is ALSO a brilliant tactician (he's no Pep, but he's no slouch either), meaning that he's like Ted except competent, passionate, and outwardly caring (sorry Ted), thereby making him perfect for Jamie.

Liverpool also run a very high press that I think Jamie would enjoy, and being in Liverpool would get him closer to home (he could totally drive home for dinner, it's only about an hour) while still keeping some space, which I think he would appreciate. I can see Georgie being a little overbearing when Jamie's in a less needy mood. And, of course, Liverpool also typically make European competition and are regular title contenders.

Assuming he went there in 2022, he would also get a whole year under Jordan Henderson, who we can go ahead and consider being like Roy, except that he's less talented, a better captain, and actually from Sunderland (I've seen it hypothesized that Roy is a reskinned Hendo). And I want to know what would happen if he and Darwin were on the pitch together (Darwin was Liverpool's big signing that summer, realistically Jamie would replace him, but I don't care) (Darwin is notoriously chaotic, a striker with dubious talent in finishing, but also an extremely hard-worker and he takes more chances than most, so his low conversion rate is expected). Also I think Jamie would have a bit of a crush on VVD and that would be funny and cute.

The Barca route is also very fun, and not even because Messi (he had already left at this point). It's basically only possible if Jamie's Richmond contract was up at the end of s3, Barca could never afford our boy otherwise. I've heard it said that true fans of the sport of football will pick Barcelona to watch over any other team (provided theirs isn't playing), and Jamie is nothing if not a fan of football.

They were also at their height when Jamie was a young teenager, a time period when I think he would have had the most time to watch while having already developed an immense interest in it. He would have watched Messi, of course, but also Xavi, Iniesta, and Busquets, who made up a midfield dynasty that I know no comparison for. They are all technically gifted, and two of those last three were still at Barca for the 22/23 season. Xavi coached the team, and Busi was captain.

And then also at this time, Barca were bringing up a new crop of very exciting youngsters, most notably Gavi and Pedri. Jamie is a few years older than them, but I think it would be fun for him to be a role model for a couple of ludicrously talented barely-adults. He would not know what to do with himself.

I also think Jamie is maybe better suited for football abroad? Like he's very salt of the earth, "I work hard, yeah," but he also has this incredible swagger. How to use my limited knowledge to explain this. Spanish football culture seems to be less humble? More flamboyant? Like English football is full of a bunch of guys who are Just Some Dude. Harry Kane, Gary Neville, and in TL, also Roy. Jordan Henderson is PEAK some dude energy. Spanish football invented the term "Galactico" for its superstars.

I just think Jamie would love doing a little dance with his teammates after scoring.

[missezramay]

ted lasso, post-finale thoughts.

I went into the finale thinking yeah, if the writing serves, I can accept any outcome even if it's not exactly what I want. Instead, I was hit with a plethora of mixed emotions I didn't expect to have. Confusion, anger, hurt, annoyance, small bursts of joy in between, and just deep sadness. Almost 20 hours later and I'm still incredibly dissatisfied and processing. For the most part, finales should provide a feeling of celebration and relief. I... don't feel any of that.

I'm just really trying to pinpoint why I'm so sad.

Of course everything inevitably has to come to an end. Of course Ted was always going to reunite with his kid. Of course it's not about winning or losing. Of course Tedbecca can remain platonic if that was always the plan. Of course that's the way life goes, but...

For a show (and this season particularly) that constantly encouraged us to 'believe' and 'hope' in the idea that 'everything will work out', all those 75 minutes did was take me on an unsettling, emotional journey for no concrete reason other than to mess with the audience (the opening scene was just adding salt in the Tedbecca wound I've had since S2). Because everything in a macro sense, "worked out". But the WAY it "worked out" does not sit well with me?? And it's supposed to? For a lot of people (on Reddit/Facebook, lol), it was enough?? Richmond not technically winning and Ted leaving like that without so much as a tear? What am I missing??

When I tell you I'm trying to embrace the good parts, I'm really trying. Yes to KBPR & the women's team, Yes to Colin kissing his fella, Yes to Rebecca & Mae & the guys owning the club, Yes to Roy becoming Manager.

So... why am I still so upset? Hmm, let's see.

The boys' musical number? The cutest. Ted didn't think so.

Nate's apology? Heartbreaking. Ted didn't bat an eyelash.

Rebecca begging twice for Ted to stay? Ted, absolute silence.

Beard staying/getting married in London to his toxic gf? Comic relief, haha, fine. Except Ted wasn't there as Best Man.

Don't even get me started on the huge disservice to the Roy/Keeley/Jamie triangle.

Now listen, I get that he misses Henry & Henry misses his dad. I'm not that cold. A father/son's love is important. It was always the catalyst for this show; for him to work on himself so he can be a better father unlike the one he grew up with. That's fine.

But on this particular week. His last week with his Richmond family. There was NO sense of him being sad to leave them. He can be sad about missing Henry but he can ALSO be sad about leaving. No, he just completely checked out. He let everyone pour out their hearts (Hannah's getting her third Emmy, mark my words) to him, and he just stone-faced the entire time.

THIS DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME.

The argument is that he was internally processing, he was overwhelmed, he was trying to distance himself so it would hurt less. Fair points, okay. But this is a television show, moreover, A FINALE. TV characters, while relatable, are heightened versions of ourselves, there so we can better process our emotions and learn to handle things better in our real lives. Ted deserved MORE dialogue and displaying MORE emotion than whatever this was.

We're never going to see him again. We're over here crying along with Rebecca, Nate & Beard, but he didn't sob once. Even though he spent three years building a family with them. I even thought, hey at least he left his legacy with Trent's book but newsflash, he wanted his name taken off that too! Complete erasure.

I just feel so robbed of better moments. Like there were nice moments here and there. But they could've been BETTER. Honestly, Nate & Rebecca's breakdowns were close to perfection, so much love there. But the lack of dialogue and Ted not reciprocating? Broke ME.

I just cannot. understand. this. choice.

Massive sigh. I'm just truly baffled by the way everything wrapped up and not getting the satisfied feeling that one half of the viewership got. Maybe I'm in the minority, but that means something. It carries weight. Also, for a "three-season arc" that was planned well in advance, why all the rewrites and parallels and fakeouts... it's just cruel. But as the theme says (and maybe this was a warning all along), yeah, I guess this might well be it.

This show has given us so much and the last season flailed for the most part. I don't want to disrespect the show by being negative and cynical (looks like I failed!!) or cast blame on anyone in particular. The cast/crew are amazing people and I'll be grateful for being a part of the journey but I'm just so sad and this feeling sucks and I will never get over it.

Going to miss them. x

[maxverstappensflatbrim]

Show Me Yours | Matty Healy [30]

chapter thirty, act four: somebody else

masterlist

little Author's note /TW before this act begins. There's going to be alot of talk of drug use and addiction within the chapters coming, if you're not comfortable with these kinds of things please don't read.

August 22nd 2016

“Tom?”

Tommie looks up slowly at Jamie as he stands across the tour bus from her. She knows that tone, he’s breaking bad news to her.

“Jamie..?” She responds in the same tone.

“Um, a letter came to the Dirty Hit office in London for you.” He fiddles with the piece of paper in his hands, the rustling noise soothing her.

“We’re in Japan.” She points out with a raised brow at the long delay of him telling her. They haven’t been to London in months, travelling straight from the US to Asia and completing shows and festivals out here.

He nods, “I know. It came on your birthday, I brought it with me to America but, I just-. I just… didn’t know when the best time would be to give it to you.”

She nods and gets up from the settee to take it from him slowly, “Not getting, like, sued or deported or anything?”

“Deported? From where?”

She shrugs, “I don’t know.”

He shakes his head, “Not getting sued nor deported,” Then he adds as an afterthought as he realises he has no idea what’s actual beyond the licked seal of the letter, “I hope.”

“We’ve stopped for the day off, the guys are down the front waiting.”

Her breath hitches as she turns it over, she recognises the messy writing and spelling mistakes right away. A few letters are smudged from the use of the writer’s left hand and there’s a drop of something stained on one corner, she hopes it's coffee, but it's probably alcohol.

It’s a letter from her father.

She stares at it a few more moments, until she can hear her name being called down the other end of the bus, then she grabs her jacket and shoves the letter into the pocket, deep down to take it out later.

“Come on, Matty’s getting impatient.” Adam tells her, arm around her shoulder as he tugs her along the long corridor through the living space and kitchen area.

“Uh, where we going?”

“He wants to take that speed train he saw a youtube video about, then go to some arcade because he saw a video on how to hack the claw machines.”

She nods, but then stops herself from walking down the steps, pulling back with one hand gripping the railing and the other the letter inside her pocket, “Uh, I’m gonna stay back, I’ll meet you guys later, send me your address…”

“You sure? You alright?” He asks, brows furrowed in that motherly concern he has only for her.

She nods, “Just, didn't sleep well last night, and I can feel a migraine coming on.”

“Do you want me to st-”

“I think alone time will be best,” She says, “Peace and quiet to get rid of it.”

He nods in agreement, “Okay, I’ll grab you those little chocolate snacks you liked in the seven eleven.”

“Thank you, Ads.”

She heads back into the bus, closing the curtain of her bunk and flicking her little Yoda night light on to read the letter.

She clutches the letter, doesn't realise she’s crying- no, sobbing- until the curtains rip open with such a force that the wind blows her hair over her shoulders and she’s looking up to the furrowed brows of Matty looking down at her.

“Baby?”

“M-Matt-”

He’s sitting beside her pulling her into his arms right away, lips to her hairline as he whispers, “What’s wrong, Baby?”

He closes the curtain around them, shutting out the bright lights thinking it’s a panic attack or a sensory overload, “Is it too bright? Too noisy?” He lowers his voice and she shakes her head moving the letter to his hand.

He’s silent as he reads it, eyes scanning the page, squinting to make out the words that have been smudged by her tears.

“That bas-”

He drops the letter to the end of her bunk far away and forgotten until she’s prepared to deal with it, moving his hand to trace softly up and down her back as she clings to him.

“It’s alright, come on, let's lie down.”

She nods into his shoulder, making no effort as he tries to move them so they're lying on their sides facing each other.

Matty lies with his back to the curtain, right on the end almost falling out and she tugs him closer with his opened button up.

“What happened to the train?”

He shrugs, “Didn’t feel like it.” That’s a lie, it’s all he’s talked about for the past two weeks, he’s been researching the speed, watching youtube videos on it. He’s obsessed with this train. 

“Matt?”

“Hmm?”

“Thank you.”

He nods, hands still moving up and down her back, he smiles as he feels something start nudging at his leg, “Got an intruder.”

Button, who is now a lot larger than when she used to cuddle between them as a puppy, forces her way between them in the tiny bunk.

“Hey, Buttie.”

She spins around a few times, kicking at Matty to move over as she licks Tommie’s tear stained cheeks.

Matty grins as Tommie gives a wet giggle at the dog, quickly promising with a whisper into her head that she’s okay. Button rests her head in the crook of Tommie’s neck, curled up into the curve of her body and huffs as she gives Matty one last taunting kick. The dog’s not stupid. 

Matty reaches over the dog to take her hand, resting it on the dog's back and interlocking their fingers together. His other hand scratches Button’s head which is just what she wanted, the dog's lips lift and she twists herself so Matty will scratch a certain point of her back for her.

“Go to sleep, baby,” He says quietly, leaving Button for just a few seconds, which the dog is not pleased by, lifting her head to stare blankly at him, Matty ignores button to move some hair out of Tommie’s eyes, then drags his finger down her cheek before returning it to Button’s head.  

“I’ll be here when you wake up.”

⋆｡ ﾟ☁︎｡ ⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ

August 29th 2016

The man across from her shifts awkwardly, he clears his throat and sips the coffee. It’s too strong, makes her nose hurt and stomach churn.

She sits, sipping from a dr pepper can and watches him, waits for him to make the first move.

“Carol-”

“I go by Tommie.” She says, “I always have, even when I was a kid-”

“I know.” He says quietly, “But you’ll always be little Caroline, the little five pound baby who was so small she fit in her grandfather’s palm.”

“How would you know?” She asks, “When mam gave birth you were getting pissed, like usual…”

He sighs, “Caroli-”

“John.”

He swallows, looks down at the stained table in the little London coffee shop they’d agreed to meet at, not far from the flat she and the guys are currently staying at.

“I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes. Some are unforgivable-”

“Unforgivable?” She scoffs and shakes her head, “Some should’ve landed you in jail a long time ago, John.”

He bows his head, then shakily reaches into his pocket taking out a folded up piece of paper.

There’s a young girl in the photo, wearing cowboy boots and a hard hat, her little red hair hidden by the yellow plastic. She must be around six years old. There’s a scooby-doo scooter that she’s riding one handed, her other hand as a pink ukulele in it.

“This is what kept me going in rehab. Looking at this picture and knowing I ruined her childhood. The thing that kept me going was the knowledge that you were out there doing good, Ca- Tommie.”

Then he pulls his phone out, showing her photos of a toddler, the same pink ukulele sits on the floor in the background, paint chipped with stickers she had put on there herself peeling off. “This is Juliet. Your sister.”

“Does JJ know?”

“JJ lives with us.” He says quietly, “We have a three bedroom house, he’s got his own room, his own stuff. It was his birthday last wee-”

“I know.” She cuts him off, jaw clenched at his audacity, “I never missed one.”

“You’ve missed four.”

“I was ten years old and using my pocket money from nan to buy him birthday presents, John, I think that makes up for it, for escaping when I had the chance.”

He slowly puts the phone away, “I understand, Tommie, that you’re mad at me, at what I did, what I was like- But don’t take it out on everyone else. On JJ, Juliet the rest of the family. You have to understand my point of view. I’d lost my mother, then my father, I was a teenager, I was seventeen when you were born, seventeen, no parents and a newborn child what- What was I supposed to do?” He tilts his head to follow her eyes. 

“I was younger,” She tells him, “I had it worse.”

“This isn’t a competition.”

“Your parents died, yeah, that’s bad, that’s horrible, I know I went through it. But my parents neglected me, my own dad beat me, that’s fucking worse.”

“Your mother was no better than me, where was she-”

“Do not bring my mother into this. Yeah, she lived a little but she was there. She made an effort, she worked to give me everything I had, she partied at night, so what? She gave me clothes, food, roof over my head, she gave me love. Yeah, in little bits that I had to scrape the bottom of the fucking barrel for but she gave it.”

“So what?”

“Yeah, ‘so fucking what’, she never hit me.”

He sighs shakily, rubbing a hand over his stubbled double chin, “I’m better, I was sick back then, but I’m better now, I want you to try and understand that.”

“I understand this perfectly,” She lifts her chin, biting her lip when it wobbles, “Mam wasn’t good enough, JJ wasn’t good rough, I wasn't good enough. But some posh slag Iris, from ‘up North’, with a designer vagina ready at your disposal is-”

The only thing that can be heard over the steaming kettles behind the kitchen is a skin on skin slap.

They both pause, John with a hand in the air and her with a hand pressed to her cheek.

His eyes are full of regret, instantly, he flexes his hand and watches her carefully as her hand pushes into her cheek, “Caroline, I’m sorry, I-I… I don’t know where that came f-”

“Same old, dad.” She says quietly. 

“I’m sorry, I-” A tear falls from his eye, “I’m sorry, Caroline. I didn’t- well, I-”

She clenches her jaw so tight the bone there cracks and she has to open her mouth for it to pop back into place, “I preferred it better when you’d just hit me and tell me it was my fault.”

He stands slowly, grabbing his jacket and folding it over his arm, “I want you to know I’m so very proud of you, Tommie. Of everything you’ve become. Everything you’ve done alone.”

She doesn’t look at him, she keeps staring straight forward at the other side of the booth.

“Of the woman you’ve become, the things you’re doing. So, so proud. And I’m sorry that you’ve had to do it all alone.”

“I wasn’t alone.”

⋆｡ ﾟ☁︎｡ ⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ

Slamming the door behind her she jumps as someone says her name, “Tom?”

“Cal?”

His brow raises and he walks around the kitchen counter he was leaning against to meet her at the door, “You good?”

“Yeah.” She nods quickly, turning her face away from him, “I’m going to jump in the shower.”

“How was coffee with your friend, what was her name again?”

“Lily.”

“Right, Lily.”

“Got cut short, she had to go back to work.”

He hums, “Maybe you can try again next time you’re in London.” He suggests and she nods in agreement as she hides herself away behind the bathroom door.

“Hey, Tom?” He knocks his knuckles on the door, “Can I talk to you?”

She waits a few moments flushing the toilet chain to buy herself time as she rubs concealer on the forming red hand print.

She opens the door leaning against the frame and places the fakest smile she can manage on her face as she looks up at him, “Hmm?”

“We’ve been asked back in the studio in two weeks to record a single, a radio single, I was going to ask if-”

“Can we talk about this later? After my shower?”

“This is important to me, Tommie.”

“I know,” She says, reaching to place her hand on his arm, “And I am so so proud of you, I promise… I just feel disgusting.”

“Please.” He lowers himself to meet her direct eye line and she nods. 

“Quickly.”

He grins, “Can you come to LA with me? Just a couple days, help me out with writing a song, maybe help with the productions-”

“Cal,” She says quietly, “We’re different genres, you’re country rock, I’m… whatever it is that Mattty feels in the mood for when he gets up that morning.”

He runs his tongue across his teeth, looking away and she sighs, reaching her hand out to touch his arm.

“Let me have my shower then you can tell me all about your single and your ideas maybe you can run some by me.”

He opens his mouth but the door is shut quickly and he leans back against the wall for a few seconds, making his way to the lying room where a brown flowery leather book sits open on the coffee table.

⋆｡ ﾟ☁︎｡ ⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ

Gabby’s brows raise at the quietness of the usual booming apartment. She looks around, setting her bag down on the settee.

“Tom? You in here?”

Matty told her Tommie and Caleb should be there, but it’s not a single sign of life besides the light coming from the bathroom.

Gabby smiles to herself knocking on the door, “Tommie?”

“G-Gab?”

“Yeah, just me, I picked us up some food, Caleb not here?”

“Has he gone?”

Gabby’s brows furrow and she shifts against the door as she looks around, it’s a little messy, just some clothes thrown over the floor and her bag discarded. But she knows Tommie, knows this mess would usually cause her to go off on one of her cleaning tangents. She can tell something is wrong., “Uh, he must've he’s not here. Everything okay?”

“Uh, yeah, give me a few minutes, I just got out of the shower.”

“Okay… I’ll set up the table.”

Tommie hums in response, still working on covering the mark on her face. Gabby sets the shopping bags onto the kitchen counter then works to pick up the clothes, she tosses them into the washing basket in the corner of Tommie’s bedroom then hangs her bag up in its place on the coat hanger beside the flat’s front door. 

Tommie dresses quickly, into some of Ross’ trousers she has to roll six times to fit and then one of Adam’s Oasis t-shirts before walking out to meet Gabby in the kitchen.

“Everything okay?” She asks again.

Tommie nods quickly, “Yup. What’s for dinner?”

“Chinese.”

Tommie nods, pulling some cups from a cupboard down for them, filling one with dr pepper and the other with diet coke, passing the diet coke to Gabby as she moves through the kitchen.

Gabby stays silent for a few more seconds, then decides to break it.

“Tommie?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you sure you’re okay? I mean, I know we haven’t known each other very long, but Matty speaks highly of you-” She sighs and touches her arm gently, “You don’t seem yourself today.”

She nods silently and Gabby’s brows furrow as she moves to place one finger on her cheek, her eyes move around her face as if putting the puzzle pieces together, “Did Caleb-?”

“No,” Tommie stands up straight quickly, clutching her hand desperately, “God no, I’d kick that man’s arse in seconds if he touched me like that. It was-”

She hesitates, but looks at the soft, motherly look on Gabby’s face and relaxes back into the counter, “I saw my dad today, first time since 2012 when I left Wales to move up to Manchester with the guys. I said some things I shouldn’t have and he reverted back to his old ways to get me to shut up.”

She rubs her knuckles at her stinging cheek with a shrug, “My fault, I shouldn’t have said-”

Gabby scoffs, a harsh sound that has her leaning even further back, “Do not blame yourself for your father’s ignorance. If he thinks it's okay to lay a hand on his own daughter or any woman for that matter then there is something seriously wrong with him.”

Gabby’s eyes soften then and she moves to stand right in front of her, “Is that why you left?”

Tommie shrugs, picking at a string on her sleeve and Gabby opens the draw beside them, takes out the scissors and cuts the loose thread. Showing it to Tommie before tossing it into the bin and then taking the girl in her arms.

“Want me to go punch him in the balls?”

Tommie giggles, wrapping her arms around Gabby too, “Nah, I kinda wanna see him fuck up a few more kids lives before we take away his reproductive abilities.”

“Sharing is caring and everything?”

“Sharing is caring.”

taglist

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-let me know if you want to be added :)

[belmottetower]

first, tysm for your guide to britpicking and football!! it helps so much!! can i ask if/when you guys are planning about posting about academies? i've tried googling but i still don't really understand how it works, when kids get paid, etc. so i'd really appreciate your breakdown of the topic <3

Hi! So we were planning to incorporate this into Roy's and Jamie's timeline pages, but there's a lot to catch up on. If you have a specific question PLEASE message me or Hall @scoatneyhall or comment on the primer, but I'm going to run through a quick few basics about Roy and Jamie specifically.

ROY

Roy going to Sunderland is WEIRD. Academies had (and still have) a catchment area, meaning that the players needed to be within 1 hour for training if under a certain age, and then if scouted older, it goes up to 90 minutes. 9 is the youngest you can be scouted and it is definitely in the 1 hour zone. Sunderland is 5 hours away. Scouting a London kid for Sunderland is absolutely bizarre and the club would have had to find a loophole - they likely placed him with a billet or host family and register his address there. (Loopholes like this have been done to get international kids into academies, sometimes paying to relocate the kid's whole family to England and within the catchment zone.) Clubs still very much use host families, but they use them for their professional youth side, from age 15 up, when the catchment area no longer applies. They do not take 9 year old kids away from home.

For Roy to have gone to Sunderland at 9, there has to be a STORY there. Either they were the only club who wanted him - if he wasn't considered good enough for any of the clubs in London like Chelsea, Arsenal, Fulham, QPR, Spurs... Any of the clubs that were regularly in the first division at that time - or he really wanted to get away from London or his family wanted him to get away. It could be that he wanted to sign somewhere as SOON as he got an offer (9 is the youngest you can be scouted) and if he had kept training til 11 or 12 and developed more, there would have been other interest from London clubs. Either way, this is just absolutely unheard of, for a 9 year old to go to an academy 5 hours from home, alone. Clubs don't scout from that far from their catchment area.

The ONLY comparable story we have found of English players from his generation is Michael Carrick. Carrick is from Wallsend (near Sunderland actually) and he was scouted by West Ham. It makes a little more sense for a top London club to look for hidden talent from afar. However, he didn't move to London - he played for an excellent youth club in Wallsend, and stayed at home and trained locally at a Centre of Excellence (an independant training center with top coaches helping kids who have hopes of getting scouted.) West Ham monitored his progress and he came down to London for special occasions to train or play with the West Ham youth side. He was not relocated as a kid. He finally moved down to London into a group house for young players at age 16, which is when they sign the first professional "schoolboy contract" and get some wages.

Again, ROY GOING TO SUNDERLAND IS WEIRD. He would not have been in a dorm full of kids from all over. It would have been all local lads who lived with their parents, and him, who lived with a host family. It's just weird that he went to this club and if writing about it you have to kind of figure out why it happened. The show clearly didn't think it through. It's not normal. He was either not good enough for London clubs and Sunderland was his only offer, or... ???

The Sunderland Academy in Roy's day was called the Charlie Hurley Centre, it was not in great shape, it was replaced after Roy's time by a great new facility called the Academy of Light but then Sunderland got relegated a bunch of times and lost all its money and now they are a club with very top facilities and stadiums both for youth and seniors, but just not doing that well. They're climbing back up but they have TRULY been in the pits, there's a documentary about it called Sunderland Til I Die. We need to dig up more details on what life was like for players back then, when Roy came up with Sunderland. He definitely debuted in the Premier League with them, and was likely sold to Chelsea when Sunderland got relegated in May 2003.

JAMIE

Jamie's youth era is a lot easier to give current info about. His situation would be very close to Man City's present day academy system, and there is a great rundown on that here: Plotting a route through Man City’s academy – from under-4s to the first team

Jamie would have lived at home the whole time he was at academy. It isn't a dorms situation. They DO have dorms in a hotel type thing on site at the Etihad Campus, but it's for special camps and match days and things like that. He would have lived at home with his mum, gone to school, gone to training, came home. He would have only moved out as an adult.

Clubs "court" kids from a young age (4 or 5) and know who they want to sign, they bring them to development days and stuff, but they cannot officially sign someone til they're 9. That's the youngest. Jamie wasn't said to have been signed at 9, no one in the show mentions it like they did about Roy, so it's possible he would have been between 10-13, I suspect around the average age of 11-12. What's for sure is that it's EXTREMELY likely that Jamie was signed by City for a fair while before he knew his dad - it's more likely than not that he was already a City Academy boy when his dad came back into his life. I'm also 99% sure that's what was meant by James showing up when Jamie "got good" - that Jamie had been signed already, hadn't washed out (lots of kids do as they go through the system) had a real chance at going professional, and was at the club James supported. Maybe even his name was appearing on City's website as part of the youth squads. James wanted Jamie for that City clout. But it's important to understand that City were Jamie's boyhood club (and probably the team Georgie supported, she got him into football, remember?) before he even met his father. This is something I'm not sure people always get, but it's what his emotions in "Mom City" are about, when he gets that ovation - Jamie's relationship with City was HIS FIRST. His club to support, his club to get scouted by, his dream come true, with no pressure from his father. City isn't just an entity or a memory or a symbol that Jamie equates with his father. City is something he loved on his own and that his father came in and ruined for him.

From age 12 or year 7, ("7th grade," start of secondary school,) Man City pays for their academy kids to go to a private school they partner with, mostly one called St Bede's, where they work out the teaching/training schedule with them to make sure the boys are keeping up academically but also get time off for training. The school schedule is in the article above. The club requires them to stay in school until a certain age/qualification, and they are encouraged to actually finish school and do their A Levels. The school is mixed girls and boys - he would have been at school with girls even if most of his life was boy-centric football. They also have strict uniforms, so that's a fun image.

One thing that hasn't changed since Roy's time is that the boys finish Academy and sign a "schoolboy contract" at 16, to become paid professional youth players. They can then sign their first true pro contract at age 17, but it isn't always offered that young, sometimes it's a couple years later. So - they're paid from 16 at a youth level wage, paid from 17 or older as an adult pro. Between academy and the first team, the players play in the "EDS" - Elite Development Squad - which is the reserve team, they play in a competition called Premier League 2 , and they're basically a talent pool that can be drawn on at any moment. When you're in EDS, you have signed your pro contract, and you can, at any given moment, called up to play a match for the first team. Jamie having number 51 for City - that's his EDS number and it's how we know he came from the City Academy. At the Academy, they're all assigned a "higher" number that's viable to carry over to the main team, so there isn't a number clash if one day they play EDS and next day they play first team. Some players keep their EDS or Academy number for a long time - Phil Foden still wears his, 47, as opposed to selecting a "higher" number.

Hope some of this tides you over, let us know if you want any specific details!

[time-is-restored]

ted lasso 3x11

got through the latest episode tonight, below are unassorted ramblings abt a kansas ending (which i, despite being almost certain is where the show is heading, am still ardently rooting against):

so i was talking a little with my family abt the extremely likely kansas ending*, and was mentioning how much i really don't vibe with it. i said smth like 'i mean, what's even there for him in kansas?' to which they said (fairly, and rightfully!) 'his son!'. like, that's a pretty bulletproof argument, so i guess im just writing this to figure out why i feel like even that isn't. idk. enough?

[*though if that is the ending, what's the point of the cliffhanger? it's the most obvious + expected outcome, how would it be a 'reveal'? idk, some part of me is still praying for one of those classic Twists™ ig]

like. we've known that ted has a kid since day one. we've known that he loves + misses that kid since day one. according to the text, the number one reason ted left kansas was as a last ditch effort to save his marriage, by giving michelle as much space as humanly possible. they were divorced by the middle of the season, and ted chose to stay at the end.

so like. idk. am i missing something? did he just stay bc he felt an obligation to the team? and now that they're doing well (absurdly, breaking the bounds of belief well), he feels okay moving on? like many ppl have already pointed out, that's a pretty standard plot line in these kind of stories: the mary poppin's style exit stage right. but, say ted goes home (potentially even without beard???? agh??). what's happened to him, these past few seasons? what's different now?

like, it kind of feels like im only gonna be hurt by reading in between the lines here, but kansas doesn't seem to hold a lot of good associations for ted w/o the bedrock of his + michelle's marriage. he's reduced to a morose, spaced out mess within 5 minutes of talking with his mother, he very nearly goes through the Extremely fucked up move of paying someone to spy on michelle after seeing her + jake together for an afternoon, and ofc if anything even remotely reminds him of his dad he gets triggered really badly.

and of course, maybe the idea is 'well, he's started to cope with that all now, and he's starting to talk openly with his mum + grieve his dad, so he has the tools to return' but like. does he???? his support system are EXTREMELY london based. setting aside sharon since he could always telehealth w her, all of the positive progress he's made in his 'home' life seem to exclusively come after he talks w his support group at richmond.

he ended up admitting he was mad at michelle after speaking with the diamond dogs, he was pulled out of his obsessive spiral by rebecca, and he was able to put words to his feelings abt his mum by talking w jamie. to be clear, those are all massively positive things for ted to have done, and i think they at least make a good case for ted progressive positively w his mental health (even if its all gotten a bit tell don't show in this last season). but like. what happens when all that's on the other side of an ocean?

to be clear, from the perspective of real life, it absolutely makes sense that ted would want to return to his son. but on a narrative level, im just. i feel like im being expected to take certain things about ted + henry's relationship for granted, when the text itself hasn't even tried to make those things apparent.

is henry miserable or even generally upset when he has to leave his dad/go back to his mum? not that we ever see! im pretty sure the only time we've seen henry explicitly upset is when ted was ignoring him while he was like five feet away which, yeah, mood! and last we saw, henry even sees more enthused abt richmond winning the whole thing than ted is, so its not like he thinks his dad is just going away to do absolutely nothing of import.

do ted and henry not spend a lot of time together/talk very often? technically we don't see enough of ted's daily routine to know for sure, but the casual mention of playing roblox seems to imply they spend a lot of time together! and ofc none of their phone calls ever have the vibe of 'i haven't spoken to you in ages, here's ALL THE THINGS you've missed!'. they're almost all abt stuff that happened that day.

is ted struggling with being away from henry? well... yes, duh, but i don't even think this season's done particularly well establishing THAT (incredibly obvious and free) piece of ted characterisation.

is ted capable of feeling anything other than vague nostalgia (ie: all of his annecdotes being set there) or extreme distress wrt kansas? apparently not! like, seriously, what is there for him? does he have any friends? a job? family that isn't his mother? where's he gonna live? does he miss the weather? his neighbours? like i am literally on my hands and knees give me ONE (1) concrete opinion ted has about the fucking place that isn't about its FOOD (<- ESPECIALLY coming off the back of an episode where ted was able to experience texan food So Authentic™ that it inspired a literal career-changing epiphany?? like HOW are we supposed to take that as anything other than 'ted is at his best when he acknowledges BOTH of his lives rather than cutting one out in favour of the other'???).

idk. i guess my real problem this late in the game is i can see so many POTENTIAL versions of this show, but what ive been given doesn't feel like it matches up with any of them.

i can imagine a story in which ted's avoidance + variations upon running-away tactics for dealing w conflict get thoroughly deconstructed and challenged while in london, so at the end of the show he's finally emotionally prepared to return to his life in kansas even though it's never going to be a fairytale picturesque no-problems-ever ending again.

i can imagine a story in which going back to kansas isn't good for ted, and will be a major sacrifice, but it's a sacrifice he will be making with the support of his new friends + family, and something that he is determined to make in order to be there w his son, all meaningfully juxtaposed w how he feels his dad 'quit' on him.

i can imagine a story where ultimately, the life that ted's made alongside richmond is just as important to him as his life in kansas, and so he + michelle work out a more equal and long-term custody arangement* with henry (it definitely seems like the 'you get him for the whole year and i get him on school break' was something haphazardly worked out while they were both still under the assumption he'd be in richmond for less than a year), and they alternate who goes to whose home for holidays and shit.

[*side note, why hasn't that come up at all? i'd personally think somewhere around the six month mark of working overseas i'd want to have a talk w my expartner + kid about a schedule that isn't so much of a 80/20 split? like, it's fine if henry moving isn't on the table at all for one reason or another, but at least take the time to actually SAY that??? like, what does michelle do for a living? why is SHE so happy to stay there? give me Literally Anything here gang!!!]

...but ultimately what ive actually seen on screen feels like it fits into none of those categories. eleven hours (in as many episodes!! HOUR! long! episodes!!!!!!) in and i feel like i know infinitely less about ted + his mental state than i did in s1. like, from episode to episode, the writer's aren't sure if he's stuck, or progressing, or going through that classic recovery 'one step forwards, two steps back' dance, or just completely and utterly depressed. there's no continuity. nothing that happens to him in one episode seems to have literally any bearing at all on the ted in the next episode. if u scrubbed all of the notable Ted Scenes™ of any overarching plot references, and shuffled them all up, i genuinely think you would end up w a plateau of scenes totally indistinguishable from each other!*

[*of course, this is my main critique of s3 for like. literally everyone, but it's paticularly damning when im left feeling this lost about the main fucking guy.]

i don't know. i guess after the past few weeks of being really genuinely hurt + angry + upset abt the choices made this season, the feeling im left with near the end of it all is. underwhelmed. and im really not sure what 3x12 could possibly do to change that feeling... even if i am still regrettably, but sincerely rooting for a last minute switcheroo.

[enumchase]

Okay as my all-time favourite Ted lasso artist and blog; what are your honest thoughts about the finale episode??

i've still only seen the episode once but just for you, sweet nonnie, i will rewatch it for more thoughts, but for now:

LOVED probably 80-90% of the episode and it was bittersweet and emotional af

every single one of the callbacks made me so happy especially the offside and nate's play

the so long, farewell scene?? are you kidding me???

trent. TRENT. my sweet gal. my little guy. i'm glad we got a final few ted/trent scenes in there and so grateful for the crumbs and mr lance's wardrobe.

i'd hoped for the whole season they weren't gonna do the love triangle thing with roy & jamie again, but unfortunately they did and even left it till the finale which was disappointing, but i did like how they resolved it, even if the throuple didn't happen (:/ or at least didn't happen onscreen)

i needed more nate this episode - i was hoping he wouldn't return just as a kitman and i wanted to see how that conversation went, but as always nick delivers on the stuff he DID get and i'm eternally grateful for his presence in the show

seeing the full diamond dogs just brings me so much fucking joy god i love six (6) men

barbara is such a little freak i love her and everything about her

one final triumph of tony head's rupert was incredibly satisfying to see i love old men. but WHERE IS BEX. i needed to see the rebecca/bex/ms kakes revenge storyline

re. the tedbecca of it all, i really thought they were gonna do it till the airport scene and am still surprised they didn't, which meant that the first fakeout scene was absolutely uncalled for and felt really in bad faith after the fact, even as a person who does not actively ship them

now for the stuff i REALLY. really. did not like, as evidenced by a number of dozens of tweets and two long stern worded replies in brendan's ama: absolutely unbelievable that beardjane were endgame when basically no other established ships/relationships ended up being endgame. very disappointed about the direction the show took them in and the writers' not realizing how harmful it can be to celebrate a toxic and abusive relationship. most important i think beard deserves better than jane but maybe that's just the beard fan in me talking.

i wish ted & beard would've had a deeper conversation re. jane & leaving london before they literally got on the flight, and gave us more resolution with these two men whom i dearly love and want to see more of - it does NOT help when brendan says they "don't see each other for years" because cmon. this is a feel good tv show. you don't have to bring your "real life friendship" stuff into here. make us feel good about ted leaving please.

and finally, ted leaving, which i definitely expected. i just didn't expect that the people trying to make him stay to not have any effect on him at all. i agree with others that ted seemed quite distanced and detached for the whole episode, but they'll most likely never end up addressing this ever again. i wish he'd explored more options than just "leave permanently and never come back" - and ended up being the same place he started before he came to london, but i appreciate the effort he is making for henry.

as for the future of the show, i hope there'll be a spin off with maybe some of the existing characters but definitely a whole new showrunning/writing/creating team, i would love to see other's interpretations for the characters & universe i've grown to love over the past year and a half.

so yeah, that's about all i can think of re. the finale. i was holding out for the last 15 mins of flashforward montage to be a dream sequence but brendan debunked that theory pretty definitively yesterday, so there's that. i appreciate the show for what it was to me and forgive it for what it wasn't, and i will still be enjoying the bits i enjoyed from it wholeheartedly - it was not a perfect show, but it was a great show to have enjoyed over the past year and a half and to have shared with the rest of y'all. i cannot wait to see what the universe, and everyone who was involved with the show will go on to do next and you'll be damned if i wasn't gonna follow jimmy lance's career until he is fully out of work. richmond till we die <3

[jcbbby]

happy valentine's day my loves! here's just a little blurb for you all to imagine Jamie's Christopher Marlowe being HAPPY for once!! <3

-

Knock knock. You heard on the door of your room, turning your head toward the noise. Gently placing the dress you were patching up down on to your desk, you scooted the chair back, standing to walk towards the door. You took a deep breath before opening the door, expecting it to be the keeper of the inn you were staying at. Rent for was due, but you had admittedly been struggling selling your garments and jewelry in the town center this week.

"Lucy, I know I'm a bit late on the- oh." You were startled to see a different figure in your doorway. "Hello, Kit." You smiled.

Kit was one of the first new friends you had made when arriving to London. A mutual friend had introduced the two of you, after inviting you to see one of the first performances of Tamburlaine the Great. It had greatly moved you, and Marlowe greatly appreciated your feedback from those early performances. He invited you out for a drink with him, and you hit it off rather quickly.

His mind was beautiful to you, so profound and poetic. You really enjoyed helping him flesh out his ideas as he wrote, providing yourself as a scene partner or just a second pair of eyes. He had some demons he seemed to be fighting, which made you sad to think about, but nothing seemed to quite light a room up like him. Unbeknownst to you, he would say the same about you. He had never felt comfort like he did when around you.

"Hello there." He smiled back, gesturing forward. "May I?"

You stepped to the side, holding the door open. "Oh, yes of course."

Kit ducked in to your small, humble room. Just a single bed, a desk, and a small fireplace. He looked around, brows furrowing at the sad state of your living arrangement. Closing the door behind you, you step toward him, smoothing your skirt out.

"So, to what do I owe the pleasure?" You asked, wringing your hands.

He turned back to you, hesitating for a moment. "I've...I've actually come to ask you something."

"Oh. Is there something I can help with? Are you writing?" You asked, leaning against your desk.

He shuffled on his feet, staring down at them briefly before bringing his head back up. "No, no...I was wondering if you...might do me the honor of accompanying me to the queen's ball tomorrow evening? I've been invited, you see."

Your eyebrows arched upward, your head tilting back slightly. "The queen's ball? Me? Are you sure?"

Kit nodded, smiling with softened eyes. "I'd very much like that, yes. You're the only person I'd want to have by my side."

You couldn't help but feel your heart flutter as a smile spread across your face as well. "Oh, Kit...I don't know what to say."

"I was hoping you would say yes?" He stepped closer to you.

You giggled, quickly glancing away and glancing back, cheeks flushed. "Yes! Yes, of course. I would love to accompany you."

He smiled wide, teeth gleaming. "Wonderful." He reached for your hand, bringing it up to his lips, placing a gentle kiss on your fingers. "I shall see thee tomorrow then."

He lowered your hand, holding your glance for just a moment, before turning and moving toward the door to see himself out.

"Wait, Kit!" Your mouth seemed to say before your brain could tell it not to.

He spun around. "Hmm?"

You stood with your mouth slightly agape, taken by surprise at your own words. Shortly, your mind had caught up to the involuntary expression that had spilled out, and you slowly approached him. Reaching up with one hand, you gently placed it on his cheek, staring into his eyes, before dropping your gaze to his mouth.

In what seemed like an instant, his lips were softly pressed into yours. Your hand fell to be pressed flush against his chest, while both his hands raised to either cheek. After your lips parted from one another, your fingers reached up to lightly graze your flesh where the two of you had just connected, in awe that you had even been that brazen. He stood there, equally as taken aback, a faint grin painted across his face.

"I uh...just wanted to thank you for inviting me." You looked up at him, batting your lashes.

He chuckled, snaking his arms around your waist, pulling you in towards him to meet your lips again. He leaned back, resting his hands on your hips. "Thank you for saying yes." He smiled.

"Kit?" You paused, allowing him to tilt his head awaiting your next words. "I...I love you."

He smiled, a small burst of air escaping from his nose, leaning forward to press his forehead to yours. "And I love you, darling. I think I always have."

<3

[zickmonkey]

Fairchild Family Fic

Mild Chain of Thorns spoilers, Matthew tells his parents his secret. 2,270 words. Also soon to be cross posted on Ao3.

"Jamie?" Matthew had knocked on the office door Cordelia had led him to, before opening it completely, not waiting for his parabatai to call back. Surprising himself when he opened the door without trouble from his shaking hands.

"Math?" James was already looking towards the doorway, towards him, his eyebrows drawn in just enough his face began to crease, his golden eyes direct on Matthew.

"My- my parents leave for Idris, tomorrow. It's their last night in London-"

James cocked his head, "Are you thinking of going back with them?"

"No." He shook his head. "Oscar and I are staying. I was going to tell them, tonight, about-about what- I was going to tell them, before they left. I was- I was hoping you'd come with me."

His friend's head was at enough of an angle that his dark hair was free, tumbling off his forehead in groups, looking messy and carefree. But his face didn't match, the look of worry didn't leave it while he nodded.

"Of course, Matthew. Of course I'll come with you." James stood up, putting aside any concern he visibly felt for his friend and smiled. A gesture Matthew appreciated, when his friends smile had come to be such a comfort over the years, a common similarity.

• • •

James had held Matthew's hand the entire carriage ride to his parents house, keeping it still in between both of their laps.

"I don't know what I'll do," Matthew murmured, "if they don't forgive me." They were stopped outside of his parents house, should've been going in it. But he wasn't ready to move, just yet.

"They will, Math. There's not a doubt in my mind that they will." His parabatai had gently let go of his hand, signaling that it was time to go, but he leveled a clear look at him first that said he wasn't done with what he was saying. "But Matthew, will you forgive yourself with them?"

"I'll try."

"That's the most I could ask for."

James stepped out of the carriage without waiting, giving Matthew no opportunity to change his mind. Not when it would mean leaving his poor bestfriend stranded.

His hands were shaking as he followed James, standing beside him, both of them facing the Fairchild home. His hand no longer held his parabatai's, instead they only held each other in a half hearted attempt to keep them still that failed miserably.

"What if they don't let me in?" Matthew looked at his friend with what felt like the fakest smile he'd ever put on, trying pretend it was a dumb joke and not something he really was scared of. He couldn't bare the thought of walking up to the doors only to be locked out, worse if he'd have to knock and they'd refuse his entrance.

"It's your home, Matthew. And they're your parents. Their door will always be open to you."

"They might not consider it my home anymore. . . I've rarely visited since I moved out. Recently I haven't at all, aside from after Edom. After Belial, and London. . . I'd let my mother lead me home, I slept in my old bed, but I'd left early in the morning. Before they'd woken." He could only imagine how it must of hurt his mother to find him gone like that, without even saying goodbye. It made him want to go inside even less.

"Your mother will let you back in now, too. She will lead you to the same bed, if you need it, she will love you just as much Math."

He shook his head, hanging it just enough he could see the shined black leather of his shoes, before he separated his hands and reached one out to ask for James's.

"I don't suppose if they cast me out yours would take me in? They accepted a ghost, why not someone who attempted matricide?" This he had completely meant as a jest, but Jamie did not laugh, even for his benefit.

"They won't cast you out, Matthew. You're their son."

He allowed himself one more breath before he lead James up the steps, and despite having a key, knocked.

He could not have bared to try the key to find out the locks had been changed, so he did not try.

It took too long for someone to answer.

Long enough that he began to believe they'd spied him through a window and had refused him entry, that he should just turn and leave.

He'd just begun to tug on James's hand to do so, when the door opened.

Matthew stared at his mother, and his mother stared back.

"Matthew," It was less greeting, and more of a numb surprise she hadn't meant to voice. "James. Hello." She hadn't stopped looking at her son.

"Is Charles home?" He asked.

His mother had always been small, both height and stature, but she'd always had a way about her that made her feel so much bigger. You forgot, when she was in a room, that she was so slight, so small, she was always in charge. If not in charge, confident to the point you'd know to turn to her if anything went even slightly off plan.

He hadn't felt as though he towered over her until now, and it was less that he felt tall, but more that he felt she was small and delicate and he was massive. He was taking up all the space- he felt as though he couldn't breathe, he had to be taking up all the air as well- and leaving none for her, for his mama.

She looked briefly disappointed, before she shook her head.

"Can I come in?"

"Of course you can. Is that why you knocked? Did you think-"

"I forgot my key," Matthew lied smoothly, and silently yelled at himself. He was here to be honest, and he started it by lying.

Charlotte stepped from the door frame, Matthew stepping in, finally letting go of James's hand.

"Where's papa? Downstairs?"

"No," His mother was still watching him, and only him. "He's in the sitting room."

"Good." He'd replied. "I need to talk to the both of you."

His mother nodded, only now looking away, starting her walk towards the sitting room Matthew was equally familiar with.

He was used to the soft neutrals of the furniture, the way it was both refined and regal, a part of him missed it. He missed his home.

And he missed his father, who sat in his chair, busy with something in his hands before he'd looked up and smiled at his wife. Then, noticing them, at his soon and his son's friend.

He barely let his mother sit down before he started talking.

"When I was in the academy there was a rumor about me. I didn't- or about our family. I- I didn't believe it, at first, but then I couldn't stop thinking about it." He hadn't even gotten to the real hard part yet, and still he could not look at either of his parents. "It was that I was a bastard. That Henry couldn't possibly be my papa. That it was Gideon Lightwood, instead."

"That's what you needed to discuss with us? Matthew. . . of course Henry's your father. Gideon is a friend-"

"No. I- that's not it. I know now that you're my papa," He looked directly at his father, the man he had once been so close to. He looked unconsciously to make sure his father was perfectly intact, still so used to taking care of him, and despite the distance felt himself relieved when he saw no new burns or cuts on his skin, his browning red hair wasn't even tinged. "And you are the best papa I could ever have. I am glad that it is you.

"I am not accusing either of you of mistakes, I am telling you of my own. I am asking for forgiveness."

He took a moment- he wanted to keep going, instead of leaving them wondering any longer.

He didn't know how to continue when all he could hear was his heart beat, all he could feel was the cardiac muscle slamming against his ribs and his lungs refusing to inflate.

James put his hand back on Matthew's, and he could breathe again.

"When I was a boy, I believed it. I did the unforgivable. I went to a shadow market, I was young and stupid and I was tricked. I'd thought I'd bought a truth potion. I never should've doubted for a moment who my father was, I never should've played with the faeries.

"I made the scones you always liked, mama. And I added some of it. I was going to hear the truth, I'd decided. But it was all a lie. I was a fool.

"I'd nearly killed you."

He took a moment before he said what was left, his head hanging low.

"And I did kill the baby. My sister.

"I'm sorry. I am so so so sorry." He felt like all of him was shaking, he probably was. His stomach was in his throat, almost literally. It was taking all of him not to vomit on the floor. He was trying to avoid crying, and wasn't entirely sure he was succeeding.

James's hand tightened on his own when neither of his parents spoke.

Matthew had known James was wrong. He had known that what he'd done was unforgivable. He'd let Cordelia convince him it wasn't. He'd let James.

"Matthew," he heard his mother, but he didn't look at her. "You've kept that to yourself this whole time?"

He didn't hear anger in her voice, though he was sure that's why she was asking. Because he'd known what he'd done and he'd let them love him.

"I know." He murmured. "I should've told you. I should've told you so you stopped loving me. I'm sorry, that I let you continue to after everything. I tried to get away, so that you'd stop-"

"No, Matthew." He was surprised, this time, when it was his father, sounding surprisingly clear. And there. "You should've told us so we could help you."

He hadn't meant to, but he looked up. He was shocked by how gentle his father sounded. The way he heard no anger from either of them.

He didn't see it, either. His mother's hand was tightly in her husband's. Both of their brown eyes were darkened just slightly by the shadows of their drawn in brows while they watched him.

"Help me?"

"Yes, Matthew. We could've helped you let go of this burden, earlier."

"I wouldn't have deserved that." He knew it was what he was asking for now, that he shouldn't he arguing against it.

"You did. You do. Matthew, you made a mistake. It would be a different story, if you had meant the harm you caused. But we know you hadn't meant it, we know you, Matthew. We know you never would've done it intentionally."

"And Matthew," he looked from his father, to his mother as she took over the conversation. "We lost you too. We lost our baby, but losing you was harder.

"We just want you back."

He looked between both of them, back and forth, even once looking towards James. "You forgive me?"

"We do." His mother nodded.

Matthew had stopped trying to keep his tears away, now. They poured down his face while he stayed on the opposite side of the room as his parents.

He felt small again. Young. He wanted his mother to hold him, he wanted her to stay in London instead of return to Idris. He remembered when he'd held her skirts so tightly as a small boy begging her not to leave and he had the urge to do it now.

"I've stopped drinking." He said instead. Instead of asking that they hold him or stay longer. He was grown now, and while he wasn't a fan of his brother, he was sure Charles had never fallen at their feet and begged them to love him.

"You have?" He heard a tone of happiness in his mother's voice.

"I have. I stopped- I stopped after Paris. I- I've been sober for- for a couple weeks. I'm trying."

"That's wonderful, Matthew!" His mother stood up from where she was sitting, gently separating her hand from Henry's, and walked towards him.

She wrapped her arms around him so tightly he let out a loud breath by accident, before he buried his head in her shoulder, and sobbed harder. He held her back just as tightly. Not letting her go for too long.

When finally he let her go she stepped just slightly back, before returning to her chair, and her husband.

"We have good news, too." Matthew watched him place her hand back with her husband's. "We're expecting another baby."

"You are?"

"We are. And we are very happy that you'll get your chance at being a big brother."

[fallingforel]

Arabella pt 9- nobody said it was easy

masterlist.

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Jumping down, I offer my hand so she can take it and she takes it and we link arms

"come on lets go face them tell them together, my little bug" I say placing a kiss on her forehead.

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Walking with my dad back in through the hospital entrance was something that made my heart heavy because I knew eventually I had to explain what happened I just didn't know how to.

"so? whats the verdict then?" Denise looked between my dad and I with an eyebrow raised. Then my dad looked at me as if to say 'do you want to tell her' and I shook my head with tears brimming my eyes.

"denise, we're all going to go home, get some rest then recoup at ours in the morning, we need a serious conversation about Matty, a collective decision that we all need to make together"

I mouth thank you to my dad which he just replies with a wink and a mouthing of "it's alright sweetheart"

sighing she nods knowing it's probably for the best as we're all running low on sleep and it would probably make her overreact and no one deserves a shouting Denise especially in such a public place like a hospital, where theres already heavy hearts from injurys and the immence waiting time of the NHS.

"okay, so we'll all meet back at ours at 1 then, George I know you don't have any family back here anymore so you can stay with us, give dennie here a break yeah, can make a bacon and egg sarnie for ya in the morning" my mum perks up from where she was stood drying her eyes. Matty, George, Ross and Adam are like the son's she never had so naturally, she was crying because of it, but when it came to it she would be the rock and sensible head for everyone.

"honestly, you don't have to, I can get a hotel room for the night"

"No G, you're family, so you're staying"

sighing he comes with tagging along, next to me throwing an arm round my shoulder.

"G you drive back with Y/n/n, we'll see you at ours"

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Everyone was gathered round the table at 1pm the next day, Tim and Denise putting aside their issues all in turn for their son. Jamie had even come up from London, he clearly cares so much about the guys to do that because he was very busy. You could tell Matty was loved by so many, this just made it harder for me though because I would be breaking everyone's hearts.

"Right, is everyone settled. everyone got drinks? Tissues?" my mother states her clear motherliness coming into clutch looking after everyone around her.

"mum just sit down, everyones fine" I say, getting her to sit down. In turn making me stand up so I could announce what was going on with Matty.

"Now I'm sure you're all wondering why I've gathered you all here, now this isn't going to be an easy topic, It's going to be quite shocking for some." I had to pause

"go on" Tim's newcastle accent breaking the closing of my eyes to hold the tears back.

"So, I'm going to say it, He suffered from blunt force trauma to the head, he had fallen off of the highest ramp at the rec, from alcohol poisoning, he's been put in a medically induced coma, he could wake up in days weeks months years, he may never wake up time will only tell" I pause again because a mix of oh gods and sobbing could be heard.

George is the one to break the silence this time "that isn't the only thing is it?" he says, he can read me like a book he knows I wouldn't be standing up still if I didn't have more news to tell.

"no it isn't George, you would be correct. As some of you know, Matty likes to drabble in drugs, I did sometimes as well, but it gets at its worse when hes upset, the guys and I usually make it in time but this time we didn't, he took every drug you could imagine, weed coke oxy meth, I think heroin was mentioned but I'm not too sure. Now, I'm sure some of you are aware dad and I have told you we have a decision to make"

"what is it?" Denise half-sobs-half-asks.

"whether or not to send Matty to rehab, I need this to be a collective decision. And I need you to really think before you all start. It could get worse, he could overdose multiple times, he could die. He might come out as a different person, he might not want to continue his career, so I ask you all to think, just think please" is all I said before going out into the garden, and then all the tears came back out again.

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"hey" a voice says from behind me

"shit G, don't do that do a girl you proper scared me"

and I looked behind me and all my mates were standing behind me and they joined me sitting outside coming in for a hug and we all shred a few tears, we might've lost our best mate.

"you know we'll all get through this don't you, we love matty way too much to chance him dying we'll all put our careers on hold for him, G ads and I can go work in bars, enough to scrape rent, besides if needs come to musts, Al could always be an in-fill for matty, or..." ross says, then George perks up

"Ross no, absolutely not, not with what ads and y/n/n have gone through"

"I think it's a good idea, he sounds just enough like Matty to pass off as him, you guys can keep your jobs, He can fill in while mattys doing whatever, I have Al now, all you have to do is get Adams permission" I say pointing to Adam who's stood with his back to us looking out into the distance.

"yeah, I was listening, fuck it do it I'm over it now, Y/n get your phone give him a call see if he wants to." George gives us both a look knowing that it's not a good idea.

"G, we're desperate to record, I'm not gonna throw it away, all because a fucker of our best mate got high and got killed"

"ADAM! HES NOT DEAD JUST IN A COMA, ALSO ITS NOT HIS FAULT, HES GOING THROUGH THINGS EVERYTHING CAME TO A HEAD, IF ANYTHING ITS MY FAULT OKAY?" I shout, before I completly meltdown and G and Ross come to my side hugging me before I drop to the floor.

"y/n/n im sorry, i didn't mean it"

"enough adam, go inside" g says from my side.

"but-"

"just go" ross says.

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end of chap. 9

[singofsolace]

I’m curious what you think about Rebecca’s storyline in the Ted Lasso finale. I felt they resolved her story with Rupert decently enough but the stuff with Ted and Boat Guy just felt off. I’d love to know your thoughts.

I think there were a lot of scenarios I would've been okay with for the end of Rebecca's storyline, and yet, the one they landed on was so outside of what I wanted or expected, I couldn't help but be shocked.

Like you, I thought her storyline was resolved with Rupert well enough (though I would've liked to have seen how, exactly, Rebecca helped Bex and Rupert's former assistant decide what to do? like, obviously, they decided to divorce and sue him respectively, but I still would've liked to have seen how Rebecca helped get them there, and what, precisely, they needed to ask her, since I'm sure they were already halfway to those decisions without Rebecca's help).

As for Dutch Boat Guy, I've been pretty vocal about how Rebecca's storyline in the Amsterdam episode made me incredibly nervous and upset. There were so many other ways they could've written Rebecca having an unexpected romance in Amsterdam without putting her in such a dangerous situation? And people have tried to tell me that Ted Lasso would never do a sexual assault storyline, to which I would argue... ummm.... a show doesn't have to be SVU to "go there"? Keeley's nudes got leaked, Jamie revealed his dad orchestrated the losing of his virginity in Amsterdam when he was still a child, etc. They literally made multiple jokes over the course of the episode that highlighted the fact that Rebecca was completely at the mercy of this Dutch stranger on his boat, with no way to call for help, and nowhere really to run, should things go badly. They made jokes that called attention to the fact that this man could very easily harm or even kill her, and so I spent the whole episode terrified about what could happen, and thinking there's no way most women wouldn't be hearing alarm bells the moment they looked at a cup of tea that said "it's not drugged (I promise)."

But putting aside the Amsterdam episode and how uncomfortable it made me, I still just don't think that from a story arc perspective for the lead female character that it makes sense to make her "endgame" relationship with a character whose name we don't even know. We got no build up to that being Rebecca's happy ending. We spent the whole season being misdirected with fake-outs and psychic predictions, looking for signs that would eventually lead us to her "lightning." Where was the lightning with Boat Guy? Did I miss it? And where was the green matchbook for him? What was the point of the psychic reading if it was only meant to misdirect us? I think Rebecca as a character deserved a lot better than a relationship with a stranger that was rushed to its conclusion in the last fifteen minutes.

As for Ted's ending, that was the most surprising and disappointing to me of all. I didn't need him to be with Rebecca (really, I didn't. I've been prepared since the beginning for Tedbecca never to happen), I just needed him to be happy and surrounded by his chosen family. So why did Jason play Ted as if he was deep in the depths of a depression? Why did he show practically no emotion the whole episode? Why did they decide his "happy ending" should be coaching little league soccer, when Rebecca literally offered him a solution where he would be able to stay in England and bring both Henry and Michelle to London to live a good life? I just don't understand why Ted didn't even consider that as an option??? Like having Rebecca say "you've already made your decision, haven't you?" keeps us from ever hearing or understanding what Ted's reasons were, and as an audience member, that really upsets me. And don't even get me started on Ted not attending Beard's wedding! (A wedding I never wanted to see in the first place, and honestly makes me sick to my stomach, because why set up the idea that multiple people are aware that the relationship is toxic and abusive, only for Beard to end up with her in the end?)

Anyway, those are probably more thoughts than you wanted, but there you are!

[crushculture03]

Chapter 22

The band had now made their way to Birmingham, it had been a good couple of weeks for both the band and the young couple. Matty had not left jules's side since the incident, he didn't want mess up again, in fear of losing her.

But that feeling of worry had started to reappear more and more as the days passed. Jules could tell something was up with matty, he wasn't as affectionate to her as he usually was. So when they arrived at the hotel room, she decided to confront him on the matter.

"Matty we need to talk" she said as she took a seat on the bed, matty nodded his head and sat down next to her. "What's going on matty? I feel like we're drifting apart" she sighed, trying to hold her composure, in all honesty her heart was breaking realizing this might be the end. Matty sighed and ran his hand through his curls "Jules i-i think we should break up". As soon as those words left his mouth, the whole world around her seemed to stop. "W-what? " was the only response the girl could think of at the moment, as she tried to process what he had just said to her. "Jules I love you I do, but well i-i have started to have feelings for someone else" he said, mumbling the last part.

Silent tears ran down julies faces as she processed the new set of words he just spoke, " Y-you promised she wouldn't come between us you fucking promised!" she responded, her voice raising slightly. "You're a liar matty healy, a fucking liar I hate you" she spit, she quickly got up and grabbed her things, quickly making her way to the door. Just as she was about to turn the handle, she felt his hand on her wrist, she quickly spun around and yanked her wrist from his grasp "Don't you fucking touch me matthew, go have fun with jade, I never want to see you again" she responded, at this point the flood gates had opened in her eyes and tears streamed down her face.

"Jules you don't mean that, please you know I love you darling" matty pleaded, "If you really loved me matty you wouldn't have fallen for her, and don't call me darling" she snapped back. With that she turned back around and walked out the door, not once looking back at him, she knew she couldn't work with him anymore, so she decided to do the one thing she thought was best.

"Hey jaime" Jules replied as he opened the door, "Hey jules, everything ok?" he asked, concerned. "Matty and I are no longer, I know it's unprofessional to ask this but is it possible to have a new assignment?" she asked, hoping he'd say yes.

Jamie's face softened when he heard of the break up, "Oh jules I'm so sorry, and of course, I'll have you go to the band that jade was supposed to go with, she'll stay here and you'll go meet them back in london, I'll get you a bus ticket and tell them you'll meet with them tomorrow" he said, then pulled the shaking girl into a hug. "Take care of yourself jules, and let me know if you need anything ok?", jules nodded her head and gave jaime one last hug before leaving and making her way to lobby.

Once she arrived at the bus station, she quickly found her coach and boarded. She propped her head against the window, looking out at the gray sky, which was crying, just like she was.

The vibration of her phone brought her out of her trance, she looked down to see who had texted her, it was matty he was wondering where she had went, she quickly deleted the message and put her phone on silent, hoping to tune out the world for the next couple hours.

As she stared out the window she thought back to first time her and matty met, if only she knew it would have led to the worst heartbreak of her life.

[teaguehq]

In that case, I know I'll always be happy for getting so many of your kisses! Plus I can't help giving you plenty of kisses in return, I'll have you know. Well, you mean a lot to me too, and it's easy to care so much about you. I know I'm always happy we get the weekends together now that I'm filming, even though the week leading up tends to feel so long. Though I'm looking forward to this one in particular since I'll get more time with you thanks to the Salem trip! Halloween is going to be so much fun this year. That's the only reason I'll be happy when filming is over, since I'll get to spend more time with you. Thank you for being so understand, Joseph. It makes me feel better that you understand, and I know logically you would since you're an actor too. I just feel like I sometimes still have weird hang-ups over a relationship ending because of distance, like a small part of me felt hesitant to tell you had a new gig or feel happy about it, which sounds silly to say out loud. Little things like that just take some time to ease, I guess, and you just mean a lot to me, and I don't want to lose you. So, at least you're used to my clinginess! It just makes me feel good you want to work this out no matter what. And it makes me feel better that you're a little clingy too, which I don't mind in the least if it means I get to be in your arms. I'm so glad you've liked the dates I've planned, and safe to say I always like yours! Like the one this past weekend was completely unreal, and I'm still smiling thinking about the dinner and the hike to the hot springs! Not to mention I'm still day dreaming about being in there with you and what we got up to, which I'm glad those were mostly private. It makes me happy to be your boyfriend, and I'm still so thrilled you wanted to be. I can't help it, you have beautiful eyes I love looking into, and you're even cuter when you blush. It was probably a miracle I could play anything at all with you being so distracting, you know. I honestly can't wait to see the things you've been working on knitting though! And I miss you, though I at least know you've got good company and some cuddles with your pup there. I like Jamie and Anya so much already, and of course I'd love to spend more time with them and get to know them better. I'm excited for seeing the secret entrances to the Catacombs with them if they're willing to take us! I'll always give you plenty of kisses and hold your hand to protect you too, love. And you know I'd love more double dates with Alex and Troye and Jamie and Anya as well, since they're both so much fun! I'm still smiling about you carrying me through the pub just to make sure I didn't get wet, my hero! It was definitely an amazing memory, and I wouldn't mind going back to that pub again sometime. You'll make me blush saying you can't get enough of me and calling me sexy, though that's mutual and I certainly couldn't get enough of you. I still miss waking up to you during the week, though I'd like to think we make up for it during the weekends with the kissing and staying in bed just a little while longer. For the record, you're welcome to silence me with kisses as much as you'd like to.

I do love your New York place already, and the thought of getting to stay there with you when we're in the city is exciting! Plus I love that you live so close to me too, that we'll both be in the city when we're not working. I'm so happy you loved my favorite rooftop bar as much as you did, plus I knew oysters would sweeten the deal! It's just sad it's getting colder in the city, so it'll be too chilly for that soon enough. It makes me happy you loved the date I planned during your first weekend in Calgary, and I mostly wanted to thank you for flying there when I know it's a long way from London. I think picnics in a pumpkin patch might be my favorite new fall thing with you! We'll have to go another cooking class sometime when we both had so much fun with it, don't you think? Especially when our dish turned out so well, and we can learn more to make together! We'll definitely have to plan a trip to Florida then, for some camping and to visit the sanctuary! Plus it's been a while since I visited Bentley, and he may be wondering where I am. A romantic vacation for when we're finished filming? I'd be all for that! Did you have somewhere in mind, or shall we brainstorm? I can't help saying you're the best view when you're so handsome, and you're making me blush again saying that feeling is mutual. I love that Sussex is one of your favorite places to visit, and now mine with all the great memories we made there. I'd love to go back and have that same room and access to the beath and hot tub! Were you showing me some of those things during the hot springs this past weekend? Because I have to say, I liked what's on your mind, then. I love taking showers with you too, and can't resist you whenever you press me up against the shower wall like that. You're making me blush again saying you can't see a time you'd not want me, and that's so mutual. I'm just so grateful we've met and we're in each other's lives this way. You can have me as much as you'd like, just so you know. And you are beautiful, and I think the more I get to know you, the more I feel that way. Yeah, I have the same feeling, that we just get each other, you know? So I don't have to second guess being open with you. I'm missing your trailer already, if I'm honest, and I might fly in a little early on Friday just to have a taste of it before you have your time off for the trip! I still can't believe you told that fib and showed up to surprise me, Joseph, but it was honestly the best surprise ever and clearly I didn't know what to do with myself and how happy it made me when I literally shut down a scene running over to you! But thank you for doing that, and I'd like to think I repaid you plenty with what we got up to in my trailer, right? I think it's a great idea to celebrate and break in your New York apartment once we have more time, and we can break mine in a little more too. I knew my friends would like you though, no doubt about that in the least. I can't wait until out next picnic in Central Park too, and maybe we can plan one somewhere in Salem, even if it's bound to be a little spooky. You're welcome for the picnic I planned in Calgary too, and I wanted to include a lot of your favorite things to eat! I'll definitely have to plan something to cook when I arrive there, especially knowing the way it makes you feel. Even better that it's your love language! One of mine's words of affirmation, if it wasn't obvious. I feel lucky every day that you're my boyfriend too, and I can't wait until we're together again so I don't have to miss you as much as I do. | @josephafq

i'm glad to hear that my kisses are still a reward, love, and i hope you know i plan to always give you plenty! i can't help but smile when you say you care about me -- especially given how much you already mean to me, yeah? i do think we're very good together, and of course iam very happy the feeling is so mutual. even though i couldn't come with you when you had to leave for filming, i'm glad i at least get weekends with you! i'm glad you're excited about the project, especially when i know you're going to be fantastic, but i understand completely about it being difficult to be away from me, because i hate being away from you so much. and i understand being a little weird about distance since you've had a relationship end over it, but as i've already told you, i'm not going anywhere, baby, and we'll make the distance work no matter what. plus, i don't think you were being very clingy at all, not anymore clingy than i was being, at least. i love getting to hold onto you as much as i can before it's time for us to go our separate ways, though. i'm so glad that i've managed to show you such a great time with the dates that i plan, and it's safe to say that i've loved every single date you've planned for us too. especially this last one over the weekend! i'm glad that you were hoping i'd want to be your boyfriend, and i'm also very glad that i asked first, because nothing makes me happier than saying you're my boyfriend. i love that i make you blush so often, which is why i find it so cute when you do it! now see you're making me blush talking about my eyes, love, but i'm glad that you'll never tire of looking into them. i'm glad that you'd not complain about me touching or kissing you no matter what you're doing -- and i'm still pretty amazed you were able to at least play something on the mandolin with me being all over you. i'm glad to be on your mind, love, and it's safe to say that while we're apart, all i do is think about you and miss you. that's what i was thinking! and since i've had downtime with you not being here, i've been working on some things for you for the winter that i hope you like! plus, you're sweet to say that you'll be the most stylish wearing things i've knitted for you. yeah?  i love that no one else has ever made you blush as much as i do, and of course i think you're gorgeous. it makes me feel good knowing you can't stop looking at me, though. i'm glad you love looking at me so much. i'm thankful we've found each other too, and that i have such an amazing boyfriend as well. it makes me really happy that you want to get to know jamie and anya better, i just love the idea of us being able to spend more time together! i'm glad you've been to the catacombs before, but i'll admit the secret entrances are rather questionable. but as long as you have fun with it, that's all that matters to me. well, that and as long as you hold my hand and give me plenty of kisses, so i'm not scared too. hopefully we'll be able to have more double dates with alex and troye, and maybe jamie and anya too! hey, i couldn't have my baby get wet, right? so of course i was going to carry you through the pub when it started flooding! plus, i loved making you laugh when i did that. i'm glad you felt safe though, and it really was a fun memory that we made together. we've made a lot of fun memories together so far, i think! i'm glad i'm sexy to you, love, and you're always going to be sexy to me, i simply can't get enough of you. that's why weekends are my favorite as well -- because i love getting to stay in bed with you for a while. though it's safe to say that i miss getting to wake up and kiss you every morning now that you're filming, just means i have to kiss you as much as possible while i'm visiting on the weekends! oh, next time i see you, that's exactly what i'm going to do, silence you with kisses.

i'm glad that you think my new york place is gorgeous, especially when i hope you'll be there with me when i'm in new york and all. but even when you're not there, it makes me feel better knowing it's so close to your place! i can see very much why you wanted to take me to that rooftop bar because it was perfect, but i also really love that you know me so well that oysters will pull me into going anywhere. and you're right, the weather was perfect, and i'm glad we went when we did! it's safe to say that the first date you took me on while we were in calgary was perfect, i loved the picnic and the pumpkin patch! not to mention the breakfast in bed, as well as the fancy dinner afterward, you really went above and beyond, love. the cooking class date was so perfect, and i'm glad it's one we did right before you had to leave. and we did a great job! plus, i look forward to making lobster bisque with you more often, because ours turned out pretty good, don't you think? i love the idea of us planning to go camping in florida, especially if you think i'll enjoy myself. and yes! i would love to be able to visit the sanctuary while we're there so i can meet bentley, that would be perfect, love. though i was thinking about planning us a romantic vacation for when we're both done filming, would you be up for that? you're making me blush, saying i'm the best view and the one that your eyes enjoy the most, but the feeling is very mutual. i'm still so happy that you enjoyed the trip to sussex, love, especially when it's one of my favorite places to visit! we'll go back there though -- and we'll make sure to get that room again, so we can have some more fun on the beach and more fun in that tub. you're so cute blushing at the things we got up to while we were in the tub, though i'm already thinking about when we can get up to those things again next time we're together and have a tub at our disposal. it's safe to say i love taking showers together with you, love, i might enjoy pressing you up against the shower wall a whole lot and all. it makes me happy we're both glad to be in each other's lives too, and i can't see a time i'd ever not want you either, owen. i want you so much every second of every day. you do take my breath away, baby, there's no doubt about that. but i'll say you're making me blush, calling me a beautiful person inside and out, especially when i feel the same way toward you. i'm glad that you feel we're meant to be, because i feel the same way and we really do understand each other. plus, it makes me happy that you don't have to feel nervous to share anything with me. i'm glad that i can show you how much i want you whenever i want, and we really did have a lot of fun in my tailer, and after i was done on set, didn't we? i can't wait to show you how much i want you again this weekend. and i can't promise just yet that i can visit you while you're on set -- but i'm going to do my best, and then we can have a lot of fun in your trailer. i love when you show me how much you want me in return. as soon as we both have the time, we'll have to celebrate and break in my new york apartment once i'm moved in, what do you think? i'm glad it was a good visit to new york too, and i'm glad your friends ended up liking me. i'm all for making a tradition of having picnics in central park, love. and i love the city in the fall, so we'll have to make sure we get another picnic in before it's no longer fall! thank you for the picnic this weekend, and for making sure it included smoked quiche and sausage rolls, you're very sweet for that! i love you cooking for me, it makes me feel so special and cared for, you know? and i'm happy to cook for you, since that's one of my love languages and all. you make me feel very lucky every day that you're my boyfriend too, love, and right now i'm just missing you so much. || @teaguehq

[casspurrjoybell-26]

Made of Steele - Chapter 24

*Warning: Adult Content*

"I think all your hard work is finally paying off."

I look at Hannah and smile.

"I think so too."

Looking around my new apartment loft, I still can't believe I'm back home of all places and that I even took this place without much of a fight.

Maybe this is what I needed?

A change.

So many had happened in the past three years, some things I would never forget, whilst other memories I wish I could forget.

"So are you going to tell me what happened?"

I look at Hannah, half hoping she isn't talking about our last phone call, when I was in Paris, two months ago.

"About what?"

She rolls her eyes and sits back on the sofa, with her arms crossed.

"Don't play dumb with me, Jamie." She sighs as I walk over to the kitchen to grab myself a bottle of water.

"You're my best friend, Jamie, we also dated for three years, I know when you're hurting."

I freeze mid-opening of my bottle of water and then turn to face her, seeing that she was getting up from the sofa and walking over to where I was.

"Did you see him?" she asks as she reaches me. "I know you went to England..."

"No."

I didn't want to talk about this or him, not to Hannah, not to anyone.

Just the thought of him always made me so angry but not with him as much as I wanted to hate him, I always ended up just hating myself.

"Can we not talk about this? I'm over it," I sighed, walking past her to go to the corner of the room, where my art supplies were. "The shit with me and him was three years ago, we have nothing between us now, I hardly remember any of what happened anyways."

It hurts to say it out loud but from the look on Hannah's face, I can see that she's dropping the subject as she sighs and walks back over to the sofa to grab her bag.

"I need to go to work," she said as she folded her jacket over her arm. "Let me know when the opening is, I'd love a genuine Jamie Steele piece of art for my office."

I look at her as I sit in front of my aisle and slowly nod my head, as she stares at me with a sad look on her face.

"I love you, you know that right?" she says, before smiling and walking away to the front exit.

Love...

As much as I had people who loved me in my life, I always felt like I didn't deserve it, not because I was a bad person or because of some regret I had in the past, no...

I just never wanted to trust another and be hurt again.

Kit... I thought of him a lot during the past three years and when I eventually found myself in London one year ago, I made the mistake of looking him up.

I had hoped he'd be worse off than me, miserable somewhere and unhappy but he was anything but.

Kit had gained a lot of wealth from his family and a business from his old man who passed two months before he left America and returned to London.

What was worse was that he had moved on.

He was dating some British model or actress... and when I found that out, I couldn't help but feel so alone.

I stayed for two days then went back to Paris.

Paris was a home away from home but it wasn't the place that made me feel so much better but the people I had met there, in the past year of living there.

I missed it and as much as I wanted to go back, I knew if I had left now, it would be a mistake.

There was a reason I came home... After all, nothing great lasts forever.

Not even Paris.

My phone rings in my pocket and when I grab my phone to see who it is, I sigh before answering the call.

"Hello?"

"Jamie," my dad's voice resounds, as I put the call on loudspeaker, so I can continue to work on my new art piece.

"Dad," I sigh. "Is something wrong?"

He was silent for a moment before he spoke.

"No?"

"I wanted to call and ask if you had plans tonight," he said as I stared at the canvas in front of me.

"No... but I feel as though soon I might..." I said sarcastically.

"Your mother and I want to throw you a celebratory and welcome back dinner tonight at Lorenzo's, you do still like the food there, right?"

Lorenzo's?

I wanted to say something sarcastic but I chose to shut my mouth and drop my paintbrush back into the holder, then rub my forehead.

"Sure," I forced myself to say. "What time?"

"Seven," he said. "A car will be waiting for you at six thirty outside the studio."

"Mhmm, that's fine," I hummed. "I'll see you tonight."

The call ended and as it did, I couldn't stop myself from grabbing hold of the canvas and throwing it across the room, as I breathed heavily and stared at it from where I stood.

Fuck.

What the hell am I doing?

I wanted to laugh, to scream and to cry but all I could do was stare at the new mess I had made as my paint started to stain the white floorboards.

I hated that I felt this way and that no matter where I went or who I was with, nothing made me feel any better, it was like everything I did was pointless and once again, I ended up just hating myself more.

You idiot, Jamie... such an idiot...

First I ran away three years ago... and once again, I did the exact same thing, coming back here again.

I was no better than Kit.

I only hope that things can be different now and with time... surely... the past year in Paris will be long forgotten and the memories along with it.

[lightadarttomendyourheart]

it's less than a month now. 23 days. looking at my countdown, i'm dreading it going back up to 60.. which it will.. in 4 weeks. i hate that i have that mindset. i should focus on what's here and now and at least what will be before it's gone. it's just so shit we only have 4 days together. but i'll be fine and it'll be fine. i don't think i'll cry when we part either. i didn't last time. maybe when i see you for the first time. i can see that happening. i've realized over the years i'm not a big cryer when things happen right away, it's more after the fact. or at the beginning, when i've finally seen someone after not seeing them for a long time. not when i say goodbye. or, as it happened in london, right smack in the middle when all i can think about is the days we have left together. that always gets me. the 1-2 days before leaving... i hate those.

man i was just going through my old photos and it still amazes me how we got here. i lose sight of that a lot these days - that this is my life. that you're in my life. that we're TOGETHER. that we're a thing. that we've made this happen. that we both want this. i really need to remember that more often. we met over 4 years ago on a fricken boat on the way from corfu to albania and now, 4 years and 3 months later, we're actually together. you're my boyfriend. i'm your girlfriend. it's honestly mad. if someone had asked me if i ever thought me and brandon would date, i would've said god no, it would never work, we live too far apart, i don't even know if he really likes me like that, i'm sure he's got other girls on his mind. why would he want to date someone he can only see a few times a year.

but here we are. i am that girl that's on his mind. on your mind.

seriously, when we tell our grandkids about how we met. our friends will tell their friends and their kids our story. it's timeless. one for the books to the honest. when i really think about it, i'm living in a romantic novel. and it makes it so much better that we had 2 chances after the first time we met to really make something of us, but we didn't. and it wasn't cause either of us didn't want to, it just didn't work. at least we kissed, thank god we kissed.

like, every single thing that's happened has been magical. we first met on that boat transfer and right away i was like mmm ok, this mans is adorable, sexy, hot, and so sweet. and we saw each other here and there at the festival but not until the last night did we truly speak to each other a bunch and realize we liked each other.

then, abgt350, i finally got to see you again after having you at the back of my mind since explorations. and boom, boat party, see you with another girl, who thank god you confirmed WAS a love interest, cause at least i wasn't crazy for thinking that. so naturally i was like fuck you and made out with someone else lol classic jamie. but. the final day, of course, naturally, cause that's how we roll, we finally met up at deep day and you stayed with us for the second half of the show. i had to go to the bathroom and you said you'd come with me which i was like ok finally some alone time. i love how you recently told me when i said i had to go to the bathroom you were like ok right, this is it, this is my chance. i got out of the washroom and there you were waiting for me at the top of the steps. i closed the distance between us and it finally happened, we kissed. at the top of the stairs, overlooking the krizikova fountain, while tinlicker was playing. legit people dream of first kisses like that. god, i thought about that kiss for weeks, months afterwards.

and then covid and jake and life happened.

but then, again, you happened. after 3 years of not seeing each other, we finally did in LA, almost exactly 3 years after our first kiss. and that was the icing on the cake. we spent all 3 events together, kissing and talking and spending the most time together that we ever have before. and it still wasn't enough. but i digress. i finally realized i was unhappy in my relationship and even if that didn't mean we would be together, i knew i had to make a change. so i did.

and then you made the huge commitment to come to me in Canada and spend 2.5 weeks with me. some of the best days i've had were those with you, walking the streets of london, drinking pret and walking in the rain and just endlessly talking about so many things. looking back, we both took a huge risk. we could've not gotten along, we could've not had much to talk about, but that also never ever crossed my mind. i never thought it would be a bad trip. i just *knew* it would be amazing, no matter what happened when we parted.

and then, after being together for 2 weeks, after brighton, we finally had the chat and you divulged you want this, you wanted to try long distance and do this thing. i was pretty drunk so the details are hazy, but i do know how speechless i was. how never in a million years i would've thought you'd want to be with me that much to do long distance. me? of all people, you choose me?

i've said it before but i'll say it again, i have never, ever wanted someone and something so bad and then have it actually happen for me. certain things yes, but a boy? like me so much that he'll have a relationship with me that spans 7125km? you've gotta be outta your mind. that shit only happens in the movies. and yet, it happened to me.

and i know it's stupid and shouldn't be a thing, but you literally check almost all of my boxes. everyone has their boxes and i've always let a lot of things slide because the perfect person doesn't exist, and yet. there are so many things you have or you do that are things i have always, always wanted in a partner, but truth be told lost sight of or thought i wouldn't get because.. idk, because i thought it was too much to ask for.

ok let's get into it cause why not. again, this is like ideal man list.

i always wanted a guy who had really nice hair and a lovely beard, but not one that's too long cause that's too much. you literally have both - i fucking love your greys so much. they make you you tbh. you wouldn't be you without them. also, i just always wanted someone i thought was so hot, that i was basically infatuated with, and i am with you. god i think you are seriously so sexy, so hot, so cute, so everything. i could just stare at you sometimes constantly for hours cause i think you're that beautiful. not just, oh yeah he's attractive, i am legit obsessed with how you look.

also, height. and holy fuck you're basically a giant hahaha so literally hit the jackpot.

also, someone who loves what i love and is so passionate about things i'm passionate about. anjuna. check. HUGE thing. mind you, you're not passionate about some of my other passions like alternative music, but again, i can't have it all lol.

i also wanted someone outgoing and bubbly and who matches my energy. i feel like i've historically gone after guys who are quieter because honestly, i never thought someone on my level would want me because they get all the other super hot and pretty girls, so i always discounted myself from those guys. but not with you - i have never ever been with someone who is so on the same level as me that i look at you as my equal in that area.

also, someone who genuinely likes and understands CATS! i know, doesn't matter a lot, but we're talking dream check list here, and you are legit the sweetest guy with felix and you love JT and i fucking love that you told me, dogs are great, but cats are just different. you fucking get it.

i truly believe in soul mates. i don't believe we only have 1, i think we have many in our lifetimes. some friends, some lovers. i firmly know ryan was my soul mate. i don't think charlie was ever my soul mate tbh, i was just obsessed with him and the idea of him. but anyways. the mantis fam are my soul mates, indy and sarah especially. and you. i know it to my core that you and i are meant for each other. whether that means for a lifetime, an eternity, or just a couple of years, only time will tell. but i know it in my heart, in my soul, that we are soul mates and we were meant to be. the universe literally didn't let us stray from each other for too long, only a few years.

i hope i think about this more often because when i do, i have so much hope for the future and so much hope for myself.

[csmicletters]

Art credit: @jho.adhara on instagram

Thank you so much to my precious friend and beta Amanda (@amandaptheauthor on Instagram), for all the patience, help, and encouragement, I couldn't keep going with this story without you and your help. You are a gem, and I'm glad I found you.

spanish nights

chapter 2: memories of us

Jamie's mind plays tricks on her and she has a memory through a dream, but she wakes up alone. Again.

TIM

Jamie passed out, laying on my shoulder, as soon as we entered the car. I was glad that, even if she was mad at me, she let it go for a little bit, so I could bring her safely to the hotel. I message Jake and Jordan, letting them know she was with me and that I was taking her back.

As I watched the streets pass us, my mind was wondering about the scene I had seen before, where she was teasing Rohan, and how that affected me. I had no right to be mad after everything I put her through, but it wasn't that easy. I am crazy for this woman, though she has no idea, because I was a wanker. I would never forgive myself for losing someone like her.

My thoughts are interrupted by her hands; she was trying to get herself comfortable, so she cuddled up to me. I inhaled the sweet scent from her bright ginger hair and gave a soft kiss on her temple, thinking to myself how much I wanted her to be mine again.

The car came to a stop in front of the hotel and I did my best to wake Jamie without scaring her. She opened her eyes halfway and was talking some gibberish that I had no idea what it was about. I helped her out of the car and all the way up to her room. When we got to her door, she passed her wallet; I grabbed her keys and entered the room with her.

I positioned her in her bed and took her shoes off, putting the blanket on top of her body, in case she got cold during the night.

I walked to the loo so I could wash my face, and as I went back to the bedroom to check on Jamie, I saw she had taken her dress off, throwing it across the bed to the floor. I gave her a forehead kiss and whispered: — Sleep good, snickerdoodle.

I was about to make my way to the chair in the corner of the room, so I could get some rest and make sure I could hear if she got sick, but her hand made its way to the back of my neck, pulling me closer to her. I don't know if she was awake or dreaming, but she said in the softest voice I've ever heard coming out of her: — Please, stay. I don't want you to leave me again, Sugar Cookie. — So I laid next to her, with the biggest smile on my face and feeling my heart full again after so long, and I held her as drifting off to sleep.

JAMIE

I felt my body hit the bed and, honestly, I don't know how I made this far. I felt Tim taking my shoes off and he walked away. I thought he was leaving me again, and I didn't like the feeling of being alone now, but I was way too tired to open my eyes. My dress was itchy and bothering me, so I just took it out and threw it wherever it landed, not bothering to look. I felt my body drifting to sleep as I smelled him and felt his presence close to me again. He whispered: — Sleep good, snickerdoodle. — and I did everything in my power to contain a smile from hearing him call me by the nickname he used to when we were together.

I needed him with me, even if I would regret it later. So I moved my hand, trying to reach him, and said: — Please, stay. I don't want you to leave me again, Sugar Cookie. — and I felt his body lying next to mine, holding me, and it felt just as good as I remembered.

The exhaustion washed over my body and I fell deeply asleep, with his heavenly musk cherry scent bringing me the memories I wanted to keep forever, because it was so dear to my heart, but, at the same time, I wanted to forget it so badly, because it brings back the pain I feel for not being his anymore.

FLASHBACK

London; January, 2020.

Tim enters the room with a little tray in hand as I am opening my eyes, still a little blurry from being sleepy. He set the tray on the side table that lays next to his bed. I smile brightly at him and say: — What's that, Sugar Cookie? — and I laugh a little louder, as he jumps back in bed and tickles me. I look him upside down and bite the tip of his nose, seeing him smile back at me.

— That would be your breakfast in bed, Your Sleepy Highness. I don't know how edible it is, but I wanted to do something nice for you. — He says, as his lips meet mine softly, and the butterflies go crazy in my stomach, like every time he is around.

— Well, now that's a good morning. — I smile again and boop his nose, sitting on the bed and motioning for him to hand me the tray, on which I can now see that has a fruit salad cut in squares, orange juice, scrambled eggs, and some flowers that he put in a small vase, making my heart flutter. I eat some of the fruits and feed some to him, winking, and say: — They are delicious. Thank you. — giving another quick peck on his lips.

I get up from the bed and hold his hand, pulling him out of bed with me. I put my arms around his neck, brush my nose on his and bite his lower lip, pulling it slowly. I deposit kisses all over his face and down his neck, run my teeth and tongue all the way to his earlobe and whisper: — Wanna join me in the shower, Sugar Cookie? — as I run my nails across his abs and walk away from him. I start taking off my bra and undies, dropping them on the floor on my way to the bathroom.

I turn the shower on and wait until the water is warm enough to get inside. The warmth I feel hitting my body is amazing, and, a couple minutes later, Tim joins me. He hugs me from behind and moves my hair away from my neck, leaving a tray of kisses on the exposed skin, which gives me goosebumps and makes butterflies go crazy in my stomach. I turn around to face him and I start kissing him again, moving my hand behind his neck as my fingers interlock his hair, then I pull it slightly. His hands start to move down, making their way to my core.

END OF FLASHBACK

Spain; April, 2021.

I wake up and quickly catch my breath as I realize it was just a dream, a memory from how my days used to be when he was part of my life. I feel a sharp pain in my head and move around, noticing that I am alone in the hotel bed and I don't know if it was also a dream that I had fallen asleep next to him last night.

Memories start to creep in my head and flashes from moments in the club; from the shots, me throwing myself at Rohan, crying outside, and Tim asking me to forget our problems and let him bring me safely back to the hotel, our moments from the room, me asking him to stay, my empty bed in the morning; and I am mortified from what I've done.

I grab my phone and see I have a message from Jordan, saying she wants me to go try cake samples with them today and that it will help my hangover. I text her back quickly and go look for some painkillers in my luggage, taking a whole glass of water with it and heading to the shower to get ready.

I decide to put on a flowy summer dress with some geometrical prints, wearing some open flats and some light makeup, since I am not in the mood to put much effort into my look. I didn't even wanna leave my hotel room today, out of shame, for all I care. I grab the biggest pair of sunglasses I can find and my purse, making sure I have my card key for the room, and I make my way out to meet Jordan.

I just wanna block my head from last night and pretend it never happened. I was out of my mind for thinking he cared about me after everything just because he helped. He was probably pitying my ridiculous attempt of moving on and, obviously, he didn't wanna see me this morning after seeing me trying to get on with his best friend. But as my thoughts run free, I end up not paying attention to where I'm going and accidentally bumping into someone that was standing on my way. When I look up, my eyes, thankfully hidden behind my shades, meet his. he holds a cup of coffee out for me and says: — I was just on my way to give this Cinnamon Dolce Latte to you before the cake tasting thing we have to go. How did you sleep? — the side of his mouth trying to hide a little grin. I hide the best I can the fact that he remembering what my favorite coffee is brought butterflies to my stomach, and how his smile affects me and makes my day better even if I can't have him. So, I decide the best thing I can do is to keep pretending I didn't remember anything. — Well, thank you. I don't see why you would bring me coffee, but... Thank you. — I answer briefly and walk away, before he has the time to say anything else, and I think to myself: — I can't afford to have my heart broken by him again.

TIM

I left Jamie's room to go get coffee for her. I wanted to leave pain medicine and water for her probable headache, but I didn't wanna go through her stuff, so I thought her favorite coffee would be the second best option to help. I also couldn't find anything to leave a note to her, so I just hoped she would still be asleep in her room once I came back, otherwise she'd think I just sneaked out. Last night was the best sleep I've had since the day Jamie went back to Liverpool, and, even though the easiness I had around her freaked me out, since I knew she was still single, the only thing my mind was allowing me to think was her,not letting her go again and not repeating my mistakes.

My thoughts haunt me as I walk on the hallway, making my way back to her, which makes me bump into someone; and, as I look up, I see her. Her beautiful eyes were covered by the biggest sunglasses and I was trying to hold a smile. It was crazy how stunning she was, even when she was not making an effort to be. When I saw her last night, all ready for a night out, my heart nearly stopped. But, seeing her now, in her normal daily self, brought our simple moments back, the smiles, waking up next to her, and it took me a while to get myself together. When I finally do, I tell her: — I was just on my way to give this Cinnamon Dolce Latte to you before the cake tasting thing we have to go. How did you sleep? — I feel butterflies when our hands touch as she grabs her coffee from me and, again, the thought of sleeping next to her makes me try to hold a grin, so she wouldn't think I was a tool. She answers me back: — Well, thank you. I don't see why you would bring me coffee, but... Thank you. — An uneasy feeling grows in the pit of my stomach seeing she acted like nothing had happened last night. To be honest, I wasn't even sure if she remembered it or not. I take a deep breath and blink, apparently for too long, because the next second she's already on her way to the elevator. I tried to follow, but the doors closed before I could reach her.

Write this story makes me immensely happy, so thank you to everyone who is reading it. I really hope you guys enjoy it.

I appreciate all of you. Every kudo, comment, and feedback means the world to me.

Lots of love,

xx Rafa

[stonesandswords]

You're absolutely right, the three of them decided the night before that they were going to do it and that Jan would explain it best, Colin had expected something more eloquent than "I am dating both Richard and Colin. We're all dating each other and will field a two minutes of questions" from Jan but it was affective. Jamie asked the most questions- mainly invasive ones about sex- but Sam and Dani got to ask some such as when and where it all started while Isaac pulled Colin to the side to ask his own set of questions (He wanted the full story and Colin provided it)

They prefer to stay in, playing video or watching movies or having dinner because they get to be more intimate and less on guard but enjoy going out every now and then too. They go to the movies and for food (each person taking it in turns to pick which movie they see and place they eat) but also make sure they do one tourist-y thing each month after realizing none of of had ever taken the time to explore London properly. The thing about the casual before/after sex hangouts was that they were always kinda dates, ever since the first time they had coffee and talked things out. They'd just spend time together talking about work and families and themselves under the guise that they were just three friends who had sex. It was when Richard talked about his goats or Colin used particularly Welsh slang or Jan said something so undeniably Dutch that they started falling in love. They were playing video games and watching movies in Richard (and Colin's place, they hung out a bit there too but never really had sex. They just always seemed to be the last three after a party/gathering or of they wanted to hang out the day before a match without sex than they'd go to Colin's). They were dating before making it official because they only Jan eyes for one another. My question for you though is how do you think each of them show their love to one another outside of the bedroom (or within the bedroom if we want to get to the interesting part)? I loved your nickname idea

Oh god yes! Richard is the one to answer all the invasive, raunchy sex questions from those who are curious. Jan answers all the questions about the what and the when and the how of their dynamic. Colin give the full exclusive to Isaac and Ted (who is a normal amount of invested).

I love that their dates tend to remain casual because that's what they're used to and were doing before they even realized that what they were doing was in fact "dating". I do like them going out on occasion because they want something to do besides staying at home together (but really they all do love staying at home and hanging out together). Colin is properly eye-rolly about doing touristy things because of his immense annoyance love towards England but really anything he gets to do with Richard and Jan is the best.

I love them spending time together, getting to know each other, when they're all just sleeping together. They think it's all just casual "getting to know your friends" type of conversation but as you said, they start being particularly themselves and they all start to pick up on each other's little quirks, and they're just so fucking smitten with each other. They don't realize that they have increased feelings and love for each other until it hits them right smack in the face. I do love them always being the last three during a hangout because they all just love spending time together so much!

OOO how they show each other love is a good one 🤔 I think it can be agreed that Richard is probably the most romantic of the three and he really shows his love and appreciation in a billion different ways both in and out of bed. I think he would call Colin "mon coeur" (my heart) because Colin is ALL heart and that's what Richard loves about him. He calls Jan "mon amour" (my love) because Jan will have a harder time saying "I love you" (although he does say it first) but has an easier time showing that he loves them.

Jan ends up being the most physically affectionate when at home with lots of forehead kisses and lots of shoulder or hip touches when he walks by. He will take up a lot of the chores that Richard and Colin complain about (washing dishes, folding laundry, that kind of thing). His nickname for Colin is "schatje" (dutch for little treasure) while his nickname for Richard is "mon trésor" (french for treasure) because they are the two most valuable things in his life.

Colin shows his love by constantly reminding the two of them how much they mean to him and really doing the words of affirmation for thing. He really likes to affirm verbally how important they are to him. I think Colin gives his nicknames in English. He calls Richard "my heart" as a return of Richard's nickname to him but also because Richard is a romantic dude with a lot of heart. He calls Jan "my soul" because Jan is someone who feels very deeply but doesn't necessarily show it. Together they are his heart and soul(I also HC Richard as being good at playing piano because Stephan Manas is good at it so Colin definitely learns to play "Heart and Soul" on the piano for the two of them).

In the bedroom though! I think that Jan is the most giving to both of them. He really likes to take care of them both and ensure they're both having a good time. I think Richard is the most passionate and really buckles down on and is enthusiastic to fully commit to the sex. Colin is the most eager to do whatever either of them suggests. He really just likes to participate and be in the moment with the two of them.