#i just don't know it's margins and i wish it was smaller so i had more room for error hgnlsvdkbff

[miserye]

also everyone i drove my car for the first time in over a month and she was fine!!!!! no issues w anything tire pressure (or at least i didn't get a warning), battery, etc. it was beautiful and marvelous i love my car

[tinydefector]

Hooray!!! Omg i’m so happy lol. I’m definitely going to be smiling for the rest of my day. I finally had time to think about it and how about a platonic familial scenario with mtmte magnus and the ambassador on break and casually chatting, fluff please. let me know if you need more details, and take your time <3

(i’ve been having data problems so hopefully this ask sends through 😅)

Out of the bag - human effects

I had so much fun writing this Buddee and I hope you like it!.

Word count 1.6k

Ultra Magnus x human reader

Fic Masterlist

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________________

The ambassador sat quietly working through files while on the desk, fingers pinching their temple as they re-read the text. A hot drink beside them as they worked. Ultra Magnus sat at the desk as he too worked. It would have been rather funny to look at, A large alien robot sitting at his desk working while his co-worker who was much smaller sat on the same desk on their own seat with a desk. They looked almost like they were a toy figure. 

They take a sip of their drink and roll their shoulders slightly. "Please tell me I don't have to fix another 15 files of Rodimus getting side tracked again and typing out random words like Chinchilla?" They mumble almost like a pray.

Ultra Magnus cycled a weary ex-vent, field rippling with long-suffering patience. "I'm afraid so, Ambassador. The captain seems...incapable of submitting forms in any semblance of proper order." He pinched the bridge of his olfactory sensor, nearly the same pose as them. an unmistakably human mannerism picked up from long acquaintance. "At this rate, reconciling his haphazard paperwork will occupy the majority of your work cycle."

Magnus observed the ambassador's flagging energy levels with mild concern. "Perhaps you should take a brief respite. Overexerting yourself serves no purpose - I can handle the captain's responsibilities for the time being."

His tone, while stern, held an undercurrent of genuine care. Despite their differences, he cared deeply for the ambassador; their well-being remained in everyone's best interests. 

"The schedules can wait. I suspect you've had enough excitement for one orn already." A hint of dryly amused. "I'll be alright Magnus, Just got a headache and sore. Really wasn't planning on dealing with reports, but it beats having to do holovids with Prowl, I want to strangle that mech some times." They reply leaning back in their seat, bringing their drink up and holding it in their hands as they close their eyes for a moment.

Prowl's combative nature makes diplomatic discourse a...trial, to say the least." He cycled another heavy ex-vent. "Though I must say, your own entanglements have proven equally...taxing, of late." Magnus leveled them with a pointed look, with a hint of mild disapproval.

"I trust you understand the risks involved, consorting so closely with the crew. Propriety and protocol exist for good reason - to maintain order and prevent compromising our mission." 

Yet beneath the stern admonishment, a thread of genuine concern shone through. "I only caution you to tread carefully, little one. The games played aboard this ship can be...treacherous, for those caught unawares."

His gaze softened marginally. "I would not see you come to harm, simply for wishing to find companionship in these trying times. Despite what you and others may think i do care about you" 

Embarrassment slowly works its way into their system as they look down as if they were a child who just got caught stealing something. "How.. how did you" they start not knowing how to continue talking. "Come now, Ambassador - did you truly think your...activities would escape my notice?" Magnus replied, a hint of wryness in tone.

He shook his helm slightly. "I may be strict, but I'm not blind. The signs were...quite evident.” Leaning back in his chair, Magnus fixed the ambassador with a measured look. "I'll not lecture you on proper conduct - Primus knows life aboard this ship is complicated enough as it is." Attempting to soothe their clear discomfort. "However, I must urge caution. Entanglements with subordinates."

They continue to look down for a moment processing his words. "I know, I wasn't planning on getting involved with anyone, it just sort of happened. Told Ratchet that it was to stay on the down low, and Ratchet had the same concern about risk, he wanted to make sure if something did happen with other bots outside of him and Drift that i had someone to trust if something happened. I was just worried that if you, Rodimus or Megatron found out. My job was gone" they mumble, they were filled with so much anxiety and panic over the situation only for the mech they feared the most about it to just say he knew. 

Magnus cycled a heavy vent. "I see. That...explains certain observations, I must admit." He rubbed a servo over his faceplate. "Ratchet and Drift, of all mechs. I confess, I had not anticipated that particular entanglement."

Fixing the ambassador with a level stare, Magnus continued, "However, you needn't fear repercussions from myself or the others." A hint of wryness entered his tone. " We've all been there, at one point or another." 

They let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you Magnus, and I'm making sure to look after myself. Woah just wasn't expecting to be having this conversation with you is all. You have no idea how much fear I had about you finding out about my um.. 'activities'. You bots aren't exactly subtle about your 'human fucker' content  " they state before slowly having another mouthful of their drink.

He nodded in acknowledgement. "I understand your concern. confess, even I am not entirely immune to the temptations that arise. However, I endeavor to maintain strict protocols."  Magnus continued solemnly, "I cannot - and will not - control the personal affairs of my crew. That is a burden I do not wish to bear."

A hint of wryness entered his tone. "Though I must admit, the antics of Megatron and Rodimus have certainly tested my patience on more than one occasion. They are both very fond of you"

“I had a feeling they were. Magnus you being tempted, now that's new to me, I'm sorry they are causing you trouble” they chuckle, smiling up at him, enjoying the banter.  

"Ratchet and Drift both know I'm not interested in a relationship, it's mainly just stress relief, and i think Sunstreaker just has a bjt of a kink for someone who isn't going to scratch his paint" they confirm, making him aware of yet another bot involved. Magnus's optics widened fractionally at the mention of Sunstreaker - another unexpected development in this tangled web. "I see. So Sunstreaker as well, hmm?"

”It would appear you...ambassador has been quite diligent in cultivating a support network aboard this ship." Fixing the human with a measured look, Magnus continued, "And you are certain this...arrangement suits you? Entanglements with the crew, regardless of intent, can prove...complicated."

The nod. “Yes, I'm content and want to keep this on the down low, I don't need it getting back to my superiors on earth, nor do I need Prowl making issues of it.” They explain. In truth they were very happy with the arrangement, and felt less guilty now that they were talking with Ultra Magnus over the situation. 

"I merely wish to ensure you are not inadvertently placing yourself in jeopardy, little one." Magnus paused, considering his next words carefully. "However, if this provides you the stress relief you require, then I shall refrain from further commentary." A faint smile tugged at the corner of his lips. "Though I must admit, I'm somewhat impressed by your...resilience, in the face of such formidable suitors."

It makes their face fluster as they look away from him quickly. “That's not funny and you know it” they huff under their breath only for him to let out a soft rumbled noise. Shaking his helm ruefully, the Autobot commander returned his attention to the ever-present datapads. "Very well. You have my discretion and, should you need, my counsel as well."

"They have all been good to me, very respectful and accommodating. They mainly have been dead quiet about involvement because of you actually." They hum. "Well technically you, Megatron and Rodimus. You three I do look up to alot, and your opinion means alot to me. I was just worried you would have me court martialled and shipped back to earth for fraternization "

Magnus's field rippled with a mix of surprise and begrudging respect. "I see." 

"While I cannot condone such...personal entanglements, I confess I am impressed by your discretion thus far. It speaks to a level of maturity and pragmatism I had not anticipated." Magnus met their gaze steadily. "You have proven yourself a valuable asset to this ship. I would not see that jeopardized, simply due to youthful indiscretions." 

With that now out of the way they sit there quietly before looking up at ultra Magnus from their spot sitting on the desk. "Could I have a hug, at the moment I can feel myself shaking from the fear and anxiety " they try to joke and make light of how afraid they were of him finding out. 

Magnus regarded the ambassador with a soft expression, field pulsing understanding. "Of course." He gently scooped them up, cradling their small frame against his chest in a rare display of tenderness. "There is no need to fear, Ambassador." His deep voice rumbled with reassurance as he lightly stroked their back.

They lean their head against his plating, relaxing against him.  "Thank you, you're a real one Magnus. No one will ever change that" Magnus rumbled softly, the vibration soothing against the ambassador's frame. "You are most welcome. I am merely doing what I believe is right."

He gently adjusted his hold, ensuring their comfort as they leaned into him. A rare, small smile tugged at the corner of his lips. "You have earned my trust, Ambassador. That is no small feat."

With that, Magnus simply held the ambassador, allowing them the chance to find solace in the steadiness of his frame. And in truth he rather enjoyed holding them close. 

_______________

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[mayakern]

I second the person who was talking about polyester being the sticking point for the shirts--I've been following for ages because I love your design sense and color choices, but I don't wear skirts much and between overheating issues & personal sustainability goals I've stopped buying synthetic fabrics. I LOVE the designs and several of them are in color combos I'd love to have in my button-up wardrobe, but alas I know I will not wear a polyester shirt. I'm mentally comparing them to Morningwitch, who does similar graphic cotton short sleeve button-ups for $50 each, and I'd be willing to potentially pay more than that for something as striking as the desert sunset button-up in 100% cotton (idk how scales/suppliers compare), but it would *probably* just be one if the price went any higher. Anyways, I'm wishing you good luck! Sucks about the numbers. They are really stunning designs.

i adore polina's work! i have a couple of her old button ups, which use the same fabric mine have now, but i haven't bought any of her cotton ones so i'm not sure if they're a texture i could wear or not.

(i have unfortunately had bad luck with other small artist natural fiber button ups and found them too rough for my textural sensitivities, so between that and me already owning enough clothing, i haven't bought any more in quite a while)

it's also important to note that polina spent an entire year (maybe longer) and a not insignificant amount of money searching for a natural fiber option for her shirts and that because shirts are her staple item (like skirts are mine), she sells significantly more of them than i do (even before making the switch to cotton), which enables her to drive down her PPU (price per unit) slightly and also charge less for them.

also, when the issue of sustainability comes up, it's not as simple as natural fiber vs. synthetic fiber. everything from the high cost in water for growing cotton, to the fuel cost for transporting it, and then its shorter lifespan (which is part of the point, i know, that natural fiber degrades faster, but it also means longterm you are buying more garments), as well as ethical concerns about labor rights...

in my experience when it comes to being a small brand functioning at my size or smaller, you can typically pick one of the following (if even that): natural fiber, ethical labor, or affordable price point. i have personally chosen to prioritize ethical labor over everything else while doing my best to keep my price points as reasonable as possible without undercutting myself. payroll and office space are expensive. 😅

of course, if you sell a higher volume, you can not only negotiate a lower PPU based on volume of sales (a factory will make more money from your business if you buy 10,000 shirts for $10/piece than if you buy 1,000 shirts for $12/piece*) but you can also get away with a lower margin because you're expecting to sell more units to customers. imagine selling 10,000 shirts for $25/ea instead of 1,000 for $35/ea. even with a profit margin of $15/ea instead of $23/ea, you would only need to sell about 1,534 shirts of your 10,000 to make the same net profit and you'd have almost another 8500 shirts you could keep selling.

*these are not real numbers just an example for easy math and to show how stupid manufacturing math is

[soaps-mohawk]

Love, I agree with thevoidwriting. If you need to push the next chapter back to Sunday because of your back, do it. I know how bad just the pain in that lower part of you back can be, because my back is also messed up in that region. Had a bad car wreck a little over 5 years ago now, and I'm still dealing with the issues in my back..

This was my doctor's impression after they did x-rays on me last September (I think. I know it was later half of last year) when I could barely get up and walk without my crutches after I'd done an apparently too strenuous physical assessment test for a job.

1. L4-L5 right anterior epidural cystic lesion could be a perineural cyst, some type of spinal meningocele within the epidural space versus arachnoid cyst. This marginates the descending right L5 nerve root at the lateral recess. There may be a smaller similar finding in the left anterior epidural space at this level.

2. L5-S1 disc protrusion with annular tear causing mild central stenosis, and mild left foraminal narrowing. Moderate right facet arthrosis at this level.

3. No compression fracture or subluxation.

*There's a lot of big words there that even I can't remember the meaning of.* All I can clearly make out of it without looking up every single definition is the disc between L4-L5 is screwed up, and is possibly what's causing the disc between L5-S1 to bulge.

So you got at least one follower here who knows your pain. And is telling/wanting you to take care of yourself! 🥰🥰

P.s. I consent to you responding to this as a post. I kinda don't care that people know about my messed up back because I feel that more people need to realize that not all of the things that make people physically handicapped are visible on the outside, whether the cause be physical or mental! It's still an issue that a lot of people have to deal with

Good lord 😭 I'm so sorry you went through that (and still are, I know how long those car accident injuries can linger).

We've got a back injury/back pain club here on this blog.

Thankfully I got some meds prescribed that will help with the pain and inflammation. I think the hardest part is I can't sit comfortably so I have to try and write laying down, which is hard even with a laptop lol. If my desk chair wasn't awful (which may be part of the reason I irritated my back) I'd just sit there. Unfortunately I get about 30 minutes max sitting at it before I have to get up.

I 100% agree, though. So many people think of disabilities and illnesses as things that are visible and forget they can be internal and mental as well. I always get that when I see doctors because on the outside I look healthy and then they look at scans and my lab work and my mental health history and it's...not good 😂 Just proof you can't judge people based on what you see on the outside. Wish more people understood that.

[angelica4equity]

"About the Blogger" Meme

Thanks to @currymanganese for tagging me 💕

Star Sign(s):

Aries Sun, Leo Moon, Gemini Rising

Favorite Holidays:

Christmas because it's coldish and I am finally not sweaty 😭

Last Meal:

Two pork tamales with a sunny side up egg on a bed of Mexican fried rice 🤤

Current Favorite Musician:

Spanish band called Shego. I know I know, I hate the ethpanyoles most of the time but damn I love whiny rock music that tells men to go fuck themselves 😍

Last Music Listened To:

Love Me Like You Do by Ellie Goulding ( yes I was watching a fanvid that's the only song legally allowed as a background)

Last Movie Watched:

Mr Monk's Last Case. SO GOOD I literally cried. I loved USANetwork so much as a kid and I grew up with these shows. Yes the treatment of OCD wasn't totally accurate but Mr Monk did make me feel seen as someone who, because of their brain, just can't stop themselves even when they know everyone is frustrated. When I heard they were making a movie I was so excited bc I love the Psych movies so much and I was thrilled Monk was getting his sequel too 😭.

Last TV Show Watched:

The Bear. On my third rewatch 😍👌🏽

Last Book/Fic Finished:

Get a Life, Chloe Brown! By Talia Hibbert. 1, I am a slut for well written romance, 2 I love books about marginalized bodies and 3 I love supporting Black women. This book is part of a series called The Brown Sisters novels and each book focuses on a different sister's romance. It's so good! I accidentally read the third one first but now I've read 2/3. Funny and a lil freaky. I love it!!!! 10/10 would recommend but I also recommend checking it out at a library to boost circulation markers.

Last Book/Fic Abandoned:

I tried reading another romance book called the Right Swipe but so far it hasn't grabbed my attention so I haven't really finished it.

Currently Reading:

Take a Hint, Dani Brown by Talia Hibbert (second of three in Brown Sisters novels)

AND

Falling Twice by Myst867 this is a Harry and Hermione Fanfic don't @ me

Last Thing Researched for Art/Writing/Hyperfixation:

Pegging and how to do it, SPECIFICALLY for my fanfic although I'm sure I'll need that info in my life eventually 🤭

Favorite Online Fandom Memory:

Probably the DashCon Ball Pit fiasco

Favorite Old Fandom You Wish Would Drag You Back In/Have A Resurgence:

Elementary 😭😭😭😭. I love and miss this version of Sherlock Holmes and Joan Watson so gutturally. It was tender, it was loving, and goddamn it was FUNNY.

Also Charmed (Original) bc if we had ao3 when it was airing it would have been OVER

Favorite Thing You Enjoy That Never Had an Active or Big "Fandom" but You Wish It Did:

There's too many to write but I will start with

Legend of the Seeker a show based on the Sword of Truth novels which was game of thrones-y without the rape scenes being showed and a smaller cast. Loved the chemistry between Craig Horner and Bridget Regan 😭

Pitch This show was done so dirty, I LOVED the concept of this which was the first woman baseball player in the MLB and Mark Paul Gosselaar with Kylie Bunbury dynamic was INSANE. I loved how they tackled certain issues 😭.

Tempting Project You're Trying to Reign In/Don't Have Time For:

Starting another Regency Era fanfic (as if I don't already have one I haven't finished lol)

[dngrcpckwithmurdericing]

i reblogged this, but also i want to be clear: i do in fact work in a slow paced environment that is mostly consistent. i work 7.5 hours every day (and frankly i usually only spend about 3 hours working, unless i have a lot of meetings). 3-5 times a year i have to work late or go in on a saturday for an event, but i know about those times months in advance and can plan around them.

if you're looking for this, think about getting into fundraising or grant-writing for nonprofits. the bigger the nonprofit, the bigger the team you work with, the slower and more consistent your days will be. (the smaller the nonprofit, the smaller the margin you're working with, so the more stress you'll be under to bring in money.)

usually when i recommend this job to folks, their first response is to tell me they don't like to make phone calls. my guy, neither do i. and if i make two phone calls a week, that's a heavy week for me. last year i had a day during which i had to make 25 phone calls and not a single person answered the call or called me back. i still raised millions of dollars for my organization.

don't like to ask people for money? no problem. major gift officers or chief development officers make the direct asks. grant writers do not. mid-level fundraisers usually do not. you write the emails, find the pictures to illustrate your direct mail, and organize the database.

love data? there are tons of places looking for folks who know how to use Excel/Google Sheets and can process data, and help draw conclusions from the patterns of giving. (let me tell you something: if you can figure out how to upload shit to a database using a CSV, you are 200% ahead of the majority of people i've worked with in the past decade.)

like databases? nonprofits love databases, work with just a few across the whole industry, and always need people who know how to use them or can learn. many nonprofits have a person whose specialty it is to run the database - not the backend, but to run the output for the fundraising officers.

like numbers? finance departments at nonprofits always need people and at the places i've worked, only 1/4 - 1/2 the folks in a finance department are accountants. and when people think of accountants, they usually think of a CPA, but there are so many other jobs someone with a degree in accounting or bookkeeping experience can get, and again if you can use Excel and navigate a database, you have a leg up.

(don't come here and tell me that of course all accountants can use Excel. I spent several years working with a finance department that not only was full of people who could not use excel, but they were furious when i introduced multiple Excel spreadsheets to development's finance processes, and would often refuse to open them, work with them, even just look at them. they also could not use our Salesforce iteration and insisted on using a microsoft access product that had not been updated since 1996. seriously, i wish i were joking, but 1996. when told she would be forced to abandon her 1996 access database for salesforce, the woman who ran the department quit. she quit rather than use salesforce.)

anyway, yeah, look into working for a nonprofit. idealist.org is a decent place to start, to get an idea of what's out there. your favorite nonprofit probably has a careers page, too. don't forget to check glassdoor for reviews, though, because some places are extremely toxic. good luck.

every employer is like "do you want to work in a fast-paced environment? with flexible hours?" where are the slow pace environments with consistency instead

[batteredwarriorstillstanding]

It's nearly impossible to overstate the importance of mental health. As someone who has been forced to stare into the absolute horror of a ruined personal apparatus responsible for maintaining this vital aspect of our being that is so easy to forget about, or take for granted in the absence of these terrifying episodes....which, in both cases, truly did have me wishing for death. Those were the extreme examples....consider also,the countkess others whereby I was not an identifiable lunatic to any stranger who saw me from 50 feet away....but, I WAS far too high, scrambled, depressed, etc to effectively navigate through life...success was a longshot, and if and when I was able to find it, it eventually terrified me. So, you will never catch me belittling anyone else's "story" in this arena. Whatever is working for you is working for you....but, something in the news caught my attention the other day. I planned to share it much sooner. I know many of you may not be up on your neurotransmitters and brain chemistry, but bear with me a moment, if you would: It was demonstrated in a 7 year long study by John's Hopkins and UC Berkley (I THINK...may be different powerhouse universities) that the chemical Serotonin has virtually zero, or, in fact, PRECISELY ZERO effect on depressive tendencies in adult human. Some of you may very quickly realize the significance of that finding (and it is widely accepted by scientific community, as this has been suspected and shown by smaller studies repeatedly over the past couple of decades) most will not. Consider this, then: Anti-Depressants are, by an enormous margin, the most commonly prescribed drug in the United States. Nearly ALL (or the vast majority, at least) are of the SSRI type (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor...I think) Basically, it simply means that these drugs increase the level of Serotonin in users brains by inhibiting the production of a chemical made naturally in the brain which serves to "deconstruct" Serotonin already produced, slowly, in order to avoid toxic Serotonin levels from forming...which cause psychotic episodes, voting for Democrats, watching Bravo, etc.This is why SSRIs are preferable to drugs that simply cause the brain to PRODUCE more serotonin....actually, I just made that last part up....I'll bet it's true, though. There is no doubt that Serotonin levels can become too high and the result is similar to dopamine levels overflowing....it's bad news. Anyway...what ISN'T true is that a person will become less depressed by increasing these levels,or become MORE depressed if they are too low. WHAT THIS MEANS is that anyone who has taken Prozac, Paxil, Remeron, Effexor, etc etc etc etc was prescribed, ingesting, and. In many cases, swearing by, a drug that effected his/her clinical depression no more than a placebo would. There are more SSRI pills prescribed DAILY than there are people who reside in the United States of America (over 300 million) At one point in the late 2010s more Americans were taking, or had recently been prescribed an anti depressant than were not. They are STILL being prescribed with abandon....again, disorders are real, as is medication and treatment....BUT, DON'T FORGET THAT YOU ARE MUCH MORE POWERFUL THAN ANY OF THESE...ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU DECIDE TO USE THE PLETHORA OF TOOLS WITH WHICH YOU WERE BLESSED. You don't have to feel the way you have been feeling. You never have to wonder if you woukd be better off dead. Never again. I love you. I'm sorry whatever connection and bond of trust we had has been severed, but you don't need me, either :) You were actually right about that. Good luck to you. It has been a joy knowing you.

[noctomania]

Not to be dramatic but

Sometimes I'm like ...

WE'RE HERE WE'RE QUEER GET USED TO IT

then I'll see some stupid bullshit comin out from our own community and I'm like...

I'm just gonna turn my civil rights in now, I give up there's no saving us from ourselves.

[mercy-burning]

Myth or Movie

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!Reader Summary: Unbeknownst to the two of them, Y/N and Spencer's children have worked up a plan to get them to meet... Category: SMUT (18+) Content: Strong language, oral sex (female receiving), penetrative/unprotected sex, someone is misgendered (nothing too bad, it’s very brief, and it’s sincerely apologized for by the person who misgenders) Word Count: 4.2k

MASTERLIST

NOTE: This is my 2nd entry for Pom’s ( @imagining-in-the-margins ) Enemies To Lover’s Writing Challenge! This one was one of the prompts she provided: You and (Character)'s kids don't get along, so you have to have a talk. Turns out you... really really get along... and I couldn’t wait to tackle it! I believe my exact words were: “I’m gonna Parent Trap these bitches”... So do with that what you will lol

———

"I'm so sorry I'm late!"

Two heads turn to stare at me as I burst through the doors. I'm out of breath from running through the building, something the staff really didn't seem to appreciate, though their shouts and annoyed glances were the last thing on my mind.

As I try to catch my breath, the two heads stand, and suddenly I feel a lot smaller.

One of them I recognize— Principal Anteros. I'd met with her before over some of Sky's academic achievements, all positive things, which is why today's circumstances make being in this office rather uncomfortable.

It's also why I seem to shrink with embarrassment at my tardiness— and appearance. Waitressing has its benefits, but today's whirlwind of phone calls and a mention at meeting another parent are not any of them.

Speaking of, the other person in the room is one I've never seen before. He's taller than both Anteros and I, extremely well dressed, and probably the most intimidatingly beautiful human being I'd ever met. I can barely meet his eyes, and so I try not to think about what he's doing here—to think about having to talk to him.

I shrink even further.

"Ms. Y/L/N," Principal Anteros greets. Thankfully she doesn't sound too upset given the circumstances. "Please, have a seat."

I do, brushing off my uniform as if that will somehow help my appearance. The soft leather of the chairs, however comfortable they might be, fail to bring me any comfort at all.

"As I'm sure you've guessed already, this is Doctor Reid, Vivian's father."

Great, he's a fucking doctor? This already bodes well for me...

Regardless of my reservations, I turn to him and give a faint smile. He waves in turn, and for the time being I'm extremely glad he doesn't insist on shaking my hand.

"It's nice to meet you," he says, surely nothing but a formality.

"You, too," I say quickly, then turn back to Principal Anteros. "Your phone call sounded urgent... Is everything alright?"

As soon as I say it, I feel kind of dumb. Because of course everything isn't alright. My child's principal called a meeting with another parent, and that can never mean anything good, not to mention the fucking intimidation and awkwardness in the room right now. I almost apologize, trying to explain that that wasn't exactly what I meant to get across, but then I would have just been talking for way too long, embarrassing myself further.

Once again, I'm thankful for Anteros's ability to move the conversation along. "I'm not sure, but it doesn't seem so. I only bring this to attention because Sky and Vivian are both stellar students. They've never had any disciplinary issues or difficulties with other students..."

"No one's hurt, right?" Mr. Reid asks. I know he's just concerned for his child, but for some reason it feels like an attack on me, like he assumes my kid had something to do with it.

"No, no one's hurt. Thankfully there weren't any physical altercations. But it seems your girls are quite... loud."

The doctor looks like he wants to say something, but I'm quick to jump in before he can. "Sorry... Sky is non-binary. They use they/them pronouns."

I half expect one or either of them to make a big deal or just roll their eyes at me, as most people seem to do when I correct them on the matter, but Anteros gives a sincere apology and Reid probably couldn't have cared any less.

I still can't tell if I like him or not...

But that doesn't matter right now.

"What do you mean by loud?" I continue.

Anteros sighs. "Well, while there hasn't been any physical violence, your kids seem to have very heated arguments, usually during lunch or in the hallway in passing... We thought maybe we could resolve it here since, like I said, they're both excellent students, but then it started escalating to classroom arguments... It's a lot of screaming..."

I have never known Sky to raise their voice at anyone, not even in a situation where I probably would have. Lord knows I'm thankful they don't have my impatience and tendency to get pissed off easily...

So what happened that was so bad, it made them snap?

"You... You're sure you mean Vivian is acting out like this?" Reid asks slowly, and I can't stop myself from laughing out loud.

"Come on, she's a professional. This has been going on for weeks, in her school, I'm sure she would know if it was your kid having a screaming match with someone else..."

This time Doctor Reid actually looks over at me, an eyebrow raised, and though I very much believe what I've just told him, the way he's looking at me right now drops my heart straight down to my stomach, like he's the principal and I'm the student acting out—No, it's worse than that... I feel like he's a disappointed parent, but not with Vivian, with me.

I avoid his intimidating stare and look down at the ground. "Sorry... I'm just... This isn't like Sky, either, I don't know what to do..."

"Well, usually when we have these sort of disputes, we like to have the students talk it out amongst themselves with a moderator present. But we've tried that, and it seems that they still haven't made any progress. Now, I know your children are good at heart, and it seems like you both are excellent parents— You know your children better than anyone here ever could. So, I'm proposing the two of you take a meeting some time and try to figure out how to settle this."

Seriously? If it hasn't been made clear already, this man is a doctor of some kind, planets away from my league in any capacity, and I can just picture the two of us in a screaming match close to what I imagine our children's looked like...

Maybe we can just e-mail.

"Okay," he agrees evenly, and I'm surprised he seems this calm considering I've just practically yelled at him... "I have free time this afternoon if you want to talk it over."

"I have to get back to work, but I get done at five," I sigh, wanting to get this over with. "Are you free then?"

"Mhm."

"Good," Anteros chirps, standing and leaving Doctor Reid and I to follow suit. "Perhaps over the weekend we can get this settled."

I sure as hell hope so.

———

"Ms. Y/L/N, wait!"

I have no idea what he could possibly want from me now that we've set a time and place to talk tonight, but I'm just praying desperately that he doesn't want to take this time alone in the parking lot to get back at me for accosting him in Anteros's office...

Thankfully, his face when he approaches seems rather kind.

"You can call me Y/N..."

"Right," he says, shoving his hands in his jacket pockets and nodding. "I'm Spencer."

"Spencer... So, um... Did you need something?"

"O—Oh, I just... I know you have to get back to work so I'll make this short, but I wanted to see if you wanted to do, uh... dinner tonight?"

"Excuse me?"

"Well, I just figured since we probably didn't expect for our weekend to go this way... We should make it worth it?"

"Are you really trying to turn this into a date?"

"W— No, not really, I just... You know, I thought it might be nice to... make this less like a chore, you know? A—And don't feel like you have to say yes, it was just a thought, I'm sorry if I made this weirder..."

The fact that I still can't figure this man out bothers me, but right now he's blushing, and he looks like he's trying to save himself from embarrassment, and it's so fucking adorable that I don't really care that I was just annoyed.

So I tell him, "Sure. Why not?"

"Really?"

"Yeah... Besides, Lord knows I haven't gone out for dinner in a long time."

The doctor is relieved, a smile creeping up on his lips that suddenly tugs at my insides and makes me wish for a second that it really is a date he's offering... "Okay, good. Do you want to meet at Waterstone, seven o'clock?"

The excitement starts to drain from me as he says it, followed by an incoming wave of embarrassment. "Oh, man, that... That place is kind of expensive, I don't—"

"Oh, it's okay, I'll pay for everything. I'll even wait outside for you so we can go in together if you'd like..."

Why he's being so nice to me I have no idea, but it's making my annoyance melt and my heart start to beat faster, and I really don't know how to feel about that. In fact I'm pretty sure it's weird as fuck given the circumstances.

But all I have to do is make it through this weekend, hopefully all will be back to normal, and I won't ever have to think about it ever again.

"Alright... It's a date."

———

Out of all the scenarios I'd pictured for the end of the night, this definitely had not been one of them.

I finished my shift at the diner, imagining on my drive home the look on his face when I inevitably showed up with something on my face or stained on my dress; Instead I showed up to Waterstone and was greeted with wandering eyes and showered with bashful compliments.

I expected to get into some type of argument about how each of our kids were better than the other or something, but we ended up talking through their traits with compassion, interest, and pride, all while agreeing that we just have to sit with them this weekend and explain that there are easier, better ways to sort out disagreements than screaming at each other in public.

I expected not to have much fun at all, but by the time we gathered the check and headed out the door, Spencer and I were laughing, just a little tipsy on Cabernet, our hands gently brushing and sparks shooting up my arm at the feeling.

I expected to go our separate ways and walk to my car and drive home, but instead he ended up telling me he was taking the Subway home, and I offered to give him a ride to the opposite side of town where I lived (Waterstone was right in the middle).

I expected to walk through the door, stumble straight up to bed, and sleep until Sky inevitably woke me up with them saying I've slept in too late and needed to get ready for work, but instead I ended up following Spencer up to his door to say goodnight.

And now we're at a fork in the road, and I can take one of two paths.

I can say goodnight, watch him walk in, and then go home and forget about this whole thing.

Or I can keep letting him stare at me until I find myself leaning in to kiss him. Whether or not he'll actually reciprocate is another story, but the little bit of wine tingling in the surface of my body and the dark, intense look in his eye gives me more courage than I've had since I met him.

Before I can make a move, Spencer talks, his voice small and inviting. "Do you want to come inside?" The beating of my heart quickens immensely as he takes another step forward and brings his fingers out to graze my chin. "Vivian's with her mom tonight."

Yes. Vivian's mom, who divorced Spencer pretty soon in the marriage after she just decided his job was too much to handle. He'd quit and took a teaching job, but even still, she declined his pleading to stay married and eventually admitted that she just wasn't in love with him anymore. At least she had the decency to let him have joint custody once his schedule cleared up, and it seemed like they were decent co-parents. Maybe even friends.

I think about Sky, how much they wish their dad had stayed, and how much I wish he had too. I was devastated when he left without anything more than a note. For years it took a huge toll on us, and I barely had the headspace to even think about dating anyone since then.

But here I am now, standing with this man who has also lost a spouse, who's somewhat of a single parent, and who seems kind and genuine enough that I don't think I'd have to worry about bringing him into the life of my child.

Though, I don't even know it'll go that far. I'm getting too far ahead of myself, and so to slow down I look at what's right in front of me. Right now.

Spencer looks at me like he wants to devour me. My whole body is tingling from head to toe. I want to kiss him, and I'm pretty damn sure he wants to kiss me back. He just invited me inside, which means that if I accept, we'll most likely end up sleeping with each other.

Again... Definitely not one of the scenarios I'd had in mind when I left the school today. But it's a damn good one, and he's so hot I want to cry.

My flirty switch turns on so fast, it nearly gives me whiplash. "And what are you gonna do if I say yes?"

"Depends... How badly do you want to walk tomorrow?"

My first instinct is to jokingly tell him to put me in a wheelchair, but I settle for kissing him instead, hoping that gives the same sentiment.

The way he melts into my body tells me I've succeeded. My arms fly up to his neck and pull him closer, and he holds me tightly to him, waiting for my lips to part so he can expertly slip his tongue past them.

I whine out and take a step towards the door. Spencer comes with me and fumbles with the keys in his pocket before reluctantly pulling away to get us inside.

Once we take our jackets and shoes off, he clings to me like static, drawn to me like a magnet, and I let him near without a second thought. Our lips find each other perfectly, like they've always meant to fit together. And as pieces of clothing come off on our way through the house and up to his bedroom, our limbs fit together just as well. Nothing is out of place.

Hell, I don't even remember how inferior to him I felt earlier in the day. Our jobs and lifestyles might seem like polar opposites, but for right now, the two of us are on very equal footing, coming together like it's always been meant to be.

I nearly fall apart when his fingers gather wetness from my cunt, just enough to tease me before pulling away and bringing them to his lips. I watch with a whine waiting on the back of my tongue as he slips his fingers past his mouth and sighs.

"More," is all he manages, and I want so badly to tease him—tell him how I know he can be more eloquent than that—but words are all lost on me too, when he drops to his knees and spreads me apart with ease. I have no choice but to reach behind and grip the foot-end of the bed as he works his tongue expertly against me.

Each of my sighs and whines are met with more avidity from him, taking the form of sharp flicks of the tongue over my clit, and once he adds his fingers to the mix, pumping them expertly inside me, I'm a fucking goner.

I come with a silent shout, clenching my thighs around his face and gripping the foot of the bed so tightly it feels like my hands might go numb.

Once my body loosens, Spencer gets up and kisses me, nearly knocking me over. I'm breathless and dizzy as the tang of my arousal coats my tastebuds. His hands are gentle despite the hunger in his lips, and the medley of sensations of all of these things has me weak in the knees.

"Getting harder to stand already, sweetheart?" he laughs, catching me as I fall into him. His hands clutch at my thighs and he carries me to the edge of the bed, crawling over top of me and kissing down my neck. "That's okay... I'll take good care of you."

I still can't manage to speak as he gently pushes in, the slow burn of him splitting me in two rendering me utterly incapable of even thought. I gladly welcome the pressure, especially once he's inside me all the way and lowering his body to mine. Our chests press firmly together as he pulls back and starts a steady pace with his hips. He traps me with his arms, bringing them to either side of my face. And when his fingers brush the hair from my eyes, he stares into them with intensity as he fucks me.

It's slow and hard. It's heart-pounding. It's earth-shattering. It's everything that makes sex worth having. In that moment we're two equals, so wrapped up in the mere feeling of each other that everything else is just background noise. He breathes me in and I do the same, and with each cant forward of his hips, he brings me deeper into this world we've both ultimately created together.

I want more than anything to wrap my legs around him and keep him close to me, but he's fucking me so good that I don't have the willpower. Instead, they lay spread out, lazy and open as his hips move between them. I'm warm all over, tingling everywhere our skin connects. When he kisses me, swallowing my pathetic attempts at whimpering his name, I'm positive that this is what Heaven must feel like.

Whether it's hours or only minutes later, eventually my body tenses, unable to hold back any further, and two particularly deep thrusts from Spencer send me barreling over the edge.

"There it is, sweetheart..." he praises, caressing my face with long, gentle fingers and leaving little kisses wherever they trail. His voice only seems to help me along, each warm syllable soothing the muscles that pulled taut at his mercy. "That's a good girl..."

I feel tired, calmed, and relaxed, when he pulls out only to jerk off over my lower stomach. Through tired eyes, I watch as he lets go and covers me with his release. Hearing him grunt out my name as he does it nearly wakes me up again, and it even finally brings some words out of me.

"God, you're so fucking hot..."

Well... Not exactly elegant, but the feeling gets across.

Spencer laughs and rolls over so that he isn't nearly crushing me anymore. He kisses down my neck, my arm, and he ever-so-slightly swipes the tip of his tongue over the mess he made before kissing my thigh and getting up to leave— presumably to get me something to clean up with.

Sure enough, he returns shortly with a wet washcloth and tenderly cleans me up. I manage to sit, leaning back on my elbows once he's done and smile at him. He's practically kneeling in front of me again, smiling back as his lips press featherlight kisses to the inside of my leg.

"How're you feeling?" he drawls, letting me pull him up to lay down with me.

"Really good. I haven't done that in so long..."

"Me either... I um... I hadn't really thought much about seeing other people once Lena and I got divorced... I guess I just wanted to put all my focus into being the best father I could, you know?"

"Mhm," I answer, turning to face him and interlocking our fingers. "I know exactly what you mean."

We lay like that for a few moments in comfortable silence, hands and limbs tangled while we breathe the same air and revel in the afterglow we've just created.

Suddenly Spencer laughs, and I squeeze his hand. "What is it?"

"I was just thinking... We probably wouldn't have met if not for Anteros calling us in, right?"

"Yeah..." I piece it together. "Guess I never thought of it that way."

"I just think it's funny, because in Greek mythology, Anteros was an Erote, known as an avenger of unrequited love, and he punished those who scoffed at romantic advances made by others... You and I never even thought about dating after our separations, and yet... Here we are now, because of Anteros."

Hearing him educate me on Greek mythology only serves to remind me how different we are. Still, the little story brings a comforting smile to my lips. "Well... Remind me to send her a basket of muffins or something to thank her."

"And tell her what? That you're grateful she got you laid?"

"Yeah. And what about it?"

The two of us dissolve into laughter that eventually fizzles and leaves us silent again. Our fingers are still tangled, and somehow we've snuggled in even closer.

"In any case, I'm glad I got to meet you, Doctor Reid."

"And I, you, Ms. Y/L/N..."

———

In the past two weeks since that first meeting, I hadn't received any more phone calls from Principal Anteros, which bode as a good sign.

Spencer and I decided to see each other as secretly as we could, which meant only giving vague details to our kids as to what we were doing in our spare time— It seemed weird to spring it on them if they didn't get along, so we figured it was best to wait until the situation was handled.

I tried to talk to Sky about their progress with Vivian, but they only insisted that everything was fine and they wouldn't have to worry anymore. And after relaying this information to Spencer, he informed me that Viv had said the same thing to him.

It wasn't until we both realized that they'd said the same things verbatim each time we asked, that something odd was going on.

And that's how we end up right here, Sky and I sitting on a park bench bathed in the golden October sun while I patiently wait for Spencer to 'coincidentally' show up with Vivian.

Thankfully I don't have to wait too long, because almost five minutes after we sit, I hear the familiar sound of my name falling from his lips, and it's hard to contain the cocky, playful smile that appears upon my own.

"Spencer, hey!" I call back, standing up and going to give him a hug. He pulls me in and he's nice and warm. He smells like burnt wood for some reason, and I want to breathe him in forever. Instead, I settle for a sweet kiss on the lips, both because I simply want to and also because it should baffle the fuck out of our kids.

Sure enough we pull away and look to them, and they look panicked. They have no idea what to do, what to say...

"Oh! Sorry... Viv, this is Y/N, Sky's mom."

The pure amusement in Spencer's voice makes me feel even warmer than being in his embrace. I look to his daughter and give her a wave. "Hi."

"H—Hi..."

It almost seems cruel to laugh at their predicament, but as I turn to Sky and introduce them to Spencer, they have clear annoyance written all over their face.

"Okay, Mom, I think we get it... How did you guys figure it out?"

"What, that you two pretended to hate each other so your principal would have to call us both in to meet?"

The pre-teens look at each other and sigh, truly defeated once and for all. "Yeah," they mutter simultaneously.

"Well, it surely didn't make any sense when you got in trouble for yelling at each other in the first place," Spencer points out. "And then when we asked you how things were working out, you both said the same exact thing..."

"It wasn't that hard to figure out, but we appreciate the effort," I add, reaching out to ruffle Sky's hair. They jerk away playfully, and I can't help but notice their smile as they peek over at Vivian.

"Our plan worked, though, so I call it a win," Vivian says with a shrug.

"As long as you two don't plan on causing any more disruptions at school..." Spencer looks between the both of them, and then at me, his eyes softening as he takes my hand and squeezes it. "Then yes. I'd call it a win, too."

I lean into him and laugh. "Turns out it wasn't Greek mythology that brought us together. It was The Parent Trap."

He raises an eyebrow, like he doesn't get what I mean, and before I can ask or explain, Vivian does it for me. "He's never seen it."

Spencer looks between the three of us like a lost and confused puppy, and we all laugh.

"Well, then, maybe we'll have to have a movie night sometime soon," I offer, reaching out for Sky.

Hand in hand, the four of us continue down the pathway, walking away from the setting sun while dried leaves rustle under our feet.

———

PERMANENT TAGLIST (tags not working are struck out):

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If you would like to be added to or removed from the taglist, feel free to message me or leave a comment and I’ll get on it right away!

[bending-sickle]

I was literally listening to a podcast discuss this very thing this morning and was going to summarize it in the tags but no, I had to spend an hour putting this together instead of going to bed.

From MonsterTalk, Season 03E49 Richard Hatem’s Paranormal Bookshelf: pt. 2 (Explicit) - 4:11-9:48, emphasis added:

Blake: Like when I was in the Navy, I had so many friends who were gay and lesbian but they couldn’t say it and we hardly ever talked about it but y’know, they could lose their jobs, they could get kicked out of the Navy, they could be dishonorable discharged. There were serious consequences to being true to yourself. And that sucks. […]

Hatem: […] And we were growing up at a time when the sort of like most glaring example of that [not being able to be one’s authentic self in all situations] would have been, oh, gay people who are part of our culture, but keep this one aspect hidden. What's really cool about right now and the, you know, podcasts and the internet, is that a lot of people who feel outside the mainstream for all kinds of reasons are able to kind of find each other. […] Well, what it does though is in the best possible sense, it makes you go, oh, okay, but if I feel weird and marginal because of my interest in a particular subject, I can now understand and sympathize with other people who feel marginalized for other, maybe much more foundational reasons that are—that actually do impact their lives and the way they are allowed to even conduct their lives. And it's certainly what it's done for me. It's, it's almost like, yeah, please tell me how you're an outsider in whatever way. And we will then have something we share even if you're an outsider because you like some weird, you know, sport or stamp collecting or whatever. It's like, yeah, that's the thing. And I talk about it a lot next season, but it's kind of, it's the joy in the tragedy of never joining the group, you know, yeah. And you're never going to be the one in the stands waving a flag for your football team. […] Because I wasn't an athlete, you know, and I wasn't whatever. So it's like, oh, the things I care about, no one else does. And that's not, you know, and it's so funny because again in the 70s, it's like, no, you're special, free to be you and me. And whatever makes you different makes you special. […] [And] God bless them for saying that and for making the, the outsider kids try to feel okay, but the fact of the matter is for the majority of our lives, being different isn't helpful. And it doesn't make your life easier. It makes your life more difficult. It's actually far easier to just be, “I'm a straight white guy who loves the team.”

Blake: The Team, yeah, and I don't have the sports gene. […] I mean, no, I feel disconnected from most of society because most people do love sports.

Hatem: You know, okay. Yeah. So, so, okay, now you're me. Yeah. You know, you finally are working in Hollywood as a TV writer. All TV writers feel like outsiders, even within Hollywood. And now I'm sitting, I find myself throughout my career. I'll be sitting with a group of writers. And then one of them will start talking sports. And then the others suddenly are all talking sports. And so this, that's so weird. Just keeps getting smaller. I'm like, oh, my God, even among my people, I'm still ostracized because, and, you know, I don't have a lot of regrets in life. But one of them in a weird way is I almost wish I had been born with an interest in sports. Because if you have that as a guy, you can talk to anybody. […] You know, and I just never had that. And I'm like, yeah. And again, at a certain point, I just had to embrace all that stuff. And it's like, hey, you know what? I also don't like opera. And I also don't care. I mean, there's a lot of things that I'm not into. But the sports one is like, yeah, that's—that's—when you're a guy that—that cuts you out of so many—

Blake: It makes you an outsider. It absolutely does.

It’s crazy and fucked up that being yourself is actually the solution.

[nedlittle]

as someone who only just finished gideon the ninth last sunday & finally understands the hype & hasn't finished the other books, PLEASE release the 11 pages of notes

your wish is my command, here are my notes verbatim typed from my tiny notebook (typos notwithstanding. i fixed those so i don't look stupid)

ACT I

P. 29 - before the duel, Harrow presents herself “emptied like a quiver” prefiguring the necromancer/cavalier dynamic and the fact that they will grow to need each other. The king & lionheart of it all…

P. 54 - Gideon tells Harrow: “Your heart is a party for ten thousand nails.” and I SCREAMED 

P. 73: [paragraph describing Ianthe and Coronabeth in luxurious detail] “The boy just looked like a bit of a dick.” lesbianism

P. 76 - “He didn’t look healthy; he looked like a collection of lemons in a sack.” Why is this so evocative

SO funny that Harrow is like Griddle. You hog you need to do this correctly. Wear the damn face paint. And then it’s just a weird Ninth House thing. I love space Catholicism these bitches so deranged

Cannot read the “I pray the tomb stays locked forever. I pray the rock is never rolled away” prayer without it being to the tune of ‘No Children’

ACT II

P. 110 - “Coronabeth Tridentarius, Princess of Ida, took her hand and roguishly kissed the backs of Gideon’s knuckles.” I know there’s a whole essay on chivalry and gender on Tor but I guess I just want to say that there’s a really interesting subversion of the medieval lady/champion dynamic going on. Coronabeth kisses Gideon’s knuckles. Dulcinea has Gideon physically show off but Gideon, bound by her promise to Harrow, cannot talk and thus any typical structures for wooing are inverted. By her silence she is rendered as cool and unbreachable as a maiden in a tower

Something something Gideon’s physical body and her personhood always being someone else’s property.

All of Jeannemary’s dialogue with Magnus being parenthesized and in a smaller type is such a fun little touch

P. 125-6 - “[...] but she had fed her entire life into the meat grinder of hope.” Fuck me!

P. 128 - “She had never seen Harrowhark Nonagesimus’s naked face.” Harrow having to perform being Reverend Daughter not only her role but the entire house in the shape of a girl

[Angela Carter voice] a girl who is both death and the maiden

 P. 151 - “You could have died today.” "you could finish me right now, if you liked. You might even win."......hot.

Every single one of Gideon’s silly nicknames for Harrow is perfect.

P. 152 - “She smiled again–slower than before, just as terrible, just as strange.” Okay Galadriel

P. 161 has the first time Gideon calls Harrow by her first name. By the end of the act it will be three times. Harrow has yet to say hers.

“P. 163 - “You can control my body. You can read my thoughts.” I believe this is what the kids call foreshadowing for book 2

Also on that page: “But first, Griddle, I’m afraid I have to pass out.” I love her.

Verbatim annotation from p. 167: ‘SHE’S NEVER HAD A DESERT :(‘ 

I know that they’re not friends but [John Darnielle voice]: people say friends don’t destroy each other what do they know about friends

Ianthe’s “I don’t live alternative histories” god I am so excited for her to be awful

The dynamic kind of reminds me of Sweet Smell of Success (1957) which features a similarly nasty yet reliant dynamic but it ends Far Worse. Very much we need each other to be a cohesive whole but that doesn’t mean we have to be nice

IT WAS THEIR ANNIVERSARY!!! NO

ACT III

I will be surprised if Dulcinea survives and also does not end up being marginally evil.

Not to sound like it’s 2014 and I just discovered all-female casts but I’m really into both the 2nd and 9th being the only ones with both necro + cav being women. I know it’s a basic thing and that there isn’t

a ton about the Second House yet but having the representatives of “The Emperor’s Strength” both be girls…nice

Naberius die challenge!

P. 200 - “He wouldn’t have let anything happen to Abigail [...] She hated heights. She never would have risked falling.” I am howling like a shot wolf.

First of all, Gideon being affected by Magnus’s death because he was nice to her without any ulterior motives: OUCH. Second, “we are all the sons and daughters that the House of the Ninth possess.” The Twelfth Night of it all…the performance of it all. (“I am all the daughters of my father’s house and all the brothers too.” 2.4)

The Harrow who lives in my head has a mullet

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WILL I EVER DESIRE YOUR JUICE

The First time Harrow calls Gideon by her name is p. 228

The choice of ‘spawned’ to refer to Harrow’s birth feels deliberate and I’m sure I’ll find out why later. Also the Scandalous Nudity being her face rather than her body when they’re both bare…it’s about living around and under the foot of someone your whole life but never being allowed to know them

P. 234 - Gideon can’t even say Harrow’s name aloud to anyone else…I wish to die! Swiftly!

P. 246 - Gideon has a hot bath for the first time (yay!) and wonders “whether water could get inside of you and make you sick.” God the Ninth House really is living in Vampire Times. Aristotle, you there?

The way all the different houses approach necromancy and the necro/cav dynamic is SO interesting! Cam’s line on p. 235 about the Eight “breed[ing] batteries” absolutely chilled me. Also the juxtaposition between the Eighth using cavaliers as an energy source vs Ianthe, absolute freak, taking a chunk out of Babs. The physical body vs the energy which propels it. Then contrasting that with pairs like Magnus & Abigail (rip) and Cam & Pal who mentally and emotionally rely on each other instead. It isn’t parasitic. KING AND LIONHEART! GO CRAZY AAH! GO STUPID AAH!

I am using all of my meager brain cells to formulate a thought about Camilla and Marta’s fight that isn’t just. wrow. women. OK. The description is short and brutal like the fight itself. The line about Cam fighting like a grease fire works so well my blood was in my EARS! When she dislocated Marta’s arm my own arm jerked back in shock. Fully almost yeeted the book

Yay for Pal also getting a hot moment. One man <3

“Harrow “rose to the occasion like an evening star”....DEATH FIRST TO VULTURES AND SCAVENGERS…I love her something awful. 

My highlighter ran out on p. 275 because I highlighted basically the whole page. The girls HUG!! Gideon lifts Harrow off the ground! Unsure if I should tag myself as ‘midnight hagette’ or Harrow’s utter lesbian brain death. At “It feels like forever” I genuinely screamed into my hands. God they’re it. THEY’RE IT.

P. 284 - “Gideon wanted her longsword and she wanted Harrow.” yeah me too

P. 285 - Jeannemary: “I hated [Isaac] when we were little, he wasn’t at all what I wanted.” ough the parallels

I know that naming a character ‘Isaac’ in your space opera about traumatized Catholics is sort of like naming a character ‘sacrifice’ and yet it’s still so gut wrenching! I love and I hate when characters fall victim to the prophecies within their names

Speaking of Biblical etymology, I see you Judith Deuteros. Please decapitate a dude

I knew about the Sex Pal joke and still guffawed

CHAPTERS 26-34

The description of Isaac’s body as a “broken sieve” really upset me and also harkens back to Harrow being empty as a quiver. The necromancer’s body as something which exists to be filled by energy and power, but also something so vulnerable as to demand the physical protection and occasional energy of its cavalier

P. 292 - “When [Dulcinea] breathed it sounded like custard sloshing around an air conditioner.” Absolutely Fucking Wretched!!!

P. 294 - “Mostly cancer and just a little bit of women.” each House really is fucked up in new and exciting ways

Gideon’s nightmare of finding Jeannemary’s severed limbs in her bed really kneecaps you. It’s giving Bluebeard. It’s giving Robber Bridegroom. It’s giving cavaliers as expendable physical forms, and that kind of body horror hasn’t quite been present aside from the avulsion room which wasn’t so bad

P. 331 - “What would you do if you discovered Camilla was a murderer?” "Help her bury the body." G O D

This entire page kills me. For some reason the one year difference and the choice to say “I’ve known her as long as she’s lived” like Harrow’s life is contingent on Gideon’s. One flesh one end B I T C H ! !

Also on that page: “She nearly killed me half a dozen times growing up, but I always knew why.” ok cool!

WAS NOT READY FOR THIS REVELATION???

I have run out of insightful commentary but Harrow wanting “prey, rival, and audience all wrapped up in one.” vs Gideon being “hungry for the Reverend Daughter’s preoccupation”. Don’t you think they’re the same thing? Love and attention? They’re both watching and being watched. Portrait of a Lady on Fire shit

I think Harrow and Cam should hold hands if only because they’d both hate it

Tamsyn loves a prophetic name. I thought she’d subverted it with Protisilaus but nope. Dead all along. First to die

Ianthe’s head pun…what is wrong with her

P. 352 - genuinely don’t have anything of substance to say about the pool scene but “I am exactly two hundred sons and daughters of my House, Griddle–I am the whole generation of the Ninth.” All this PLUS Harrow piloting her parents to keep the Ninth functioning. Christ.

P. 355 - “I am tired of being two hundred corpses.” ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch

Incredibly normal that Harrow’s parents were like hello our ten-year-old war crime daughter time for our group suicide! Here, I’ll tie your noose :) normal family!

I haven’t quite the familiarity with Antigone to say there’s an Antigone parallel somewhere but hmm

Cannot talk about the rest of this scene. I can barely look at it. YOU ARE MY ONLY FRIEND! I AM UNDONE WITHOUT YOU!! 

Oh to have your only friend Gideon Nav kiss you on the forehead

I love you 4’11” teenage saint war crime necrophiliac 

Gideon choosing to sleep in the cavalier bed. It’s about devotion as both a contract and an active choice. ‘I Will Follow You Into the Dark’ shit. I’m sick

P. 371 - “Dead as space, though accurately, that’s been true for a very, very long time.” I know this refers to Teacher but also stars themselves transmit light for millennia after they burn out. The cosmos itself as a haunted house

Why does the Emperor have a cohort anyway? What enemies are there that an army is necessary to grind children through? I need to know more about this

Cannot articulate this but Ianthe having to be a true necromancer and eating Babs to become a lyctor IS feminist not just because it’s such an overcome male power trip moment but also because it seems that In Media we can only have female villains if they’re tormented and redeemed by the end, they aren’t allowed to be deranged little freaks like this. She’s the damn joker!

REST IN PISS BABS. Again, genuinely progressive that Ianthe eats him and absorbs his perfect cavalier training; then, when she cannot keep it up she turns into a SKIN SHIELD?? [John Darnielle voice] come unhinged! Get revenge!

You’re really eased into the body horror and then Act IV is like hey kid you’re going to experience body horrors beyond your comprehension.

CHAPTERS 35-END 

Thinking about 8-year-old Palamedes writing to 15-year-old Dulcinea about how he’s determined to cure her. Also interesting to think that something so mundane as cancer still exists in this world where people are regularly getting bodied by skeletons

Oh, re: Pal, I forgot to highlight this but there’s a line a few (?) chapters back where he surveys his work and sees that it’s good which is directly from god creating the universe

P. 400 - “[Gideon’s] brain was full of sweet fuck all.” yeah girl me too

Every single man in this book has died. Feminism but also Palamedes my friend :(

“Tell Camilla–oh never mind, she knows what to do.” Doctor Who vibes (sorry) “If you see Rose, tell her…tell her…oh, she knows.”

P. 406 - “Camilla Hect off the leash was like light moving across water. She punched her knives into the Lyctor’s guard over and over and over. Cytherea met them ably, but such was Camilla’s speed and perfect hate that she could only hope to block the thunderstorm of blows; she could not even begin to push back against them.” The wording here feels so deliberately Homeric! It’s her aristeia!

It doesn’t mention this in the after matter, but I am choosing to believe Cam was named after Camilla in the Aeneid. She HAS to be!!

I understand why people scream at Marvel movies now but the more apt comparison for Gideon & her two-hander is the re-forging of Anduril. I can hear the score

P. 412 - “I need to be inside you.” NOW IS NOT THE TIME HARROW!!

P. 414 - “Did you behold me, Griddle?” she got yeeted by a vertebrae string because she was too busy beholding you, Harrow!

Rosary-whip made of knuckles. What a great time to be ex-Catholic. This is so hot of her

Camilla Hect aroace icon. Send tweet.

A climactic boss fight where all 5 characters are women…wrow

FUCK YEAH DISMEMBERMENT!!

P. 429 - “All you have to do is live.” Harrow begging Gideon to do the one thing she thought was impossible as a child

Oh these bitches in LOVE

I love “undeserved” forgiveness

[holds Harrowhark Nonagesimus] you do not have to be good you do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting you only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves

I’m sorry I have zero thoughts I’m just saying ROMANCE ROMANCE ROMANCE ROMANCE ROMANCE ROMANCE over and over and over again in my head

“First flower of my House” is the most romantic shit I’ve ever heard get it OUT of my face. That is not something you come up with on the spot…

The cruelest thing anyone has ever done to Harrow in her life is willingly die for her…

P. 436 - “They were cheek to cheek: Gideon’s arm and Harrow’s arm entwined, holding the sword aloft, letting the steel catch the light.” No THIS is the most romantic shit

Harrow/Pal lavender marriage of the century lmao

Gideon & Harrow 🤝 Gimli & Legolas

Quoting the verses of the Book of Ruth that’s commonly used at weddings

Hey at least I successfully guessed that Dulcinea would be evil & dead by the end. I love being right

IN SUMMARY: DEATH DYING SUFFERING ROMANCE PAIN

[transxiao]

I have been lucky enough to no longer need a binder for a couple of years and I had no idea that the quality had gone down with GC2B.

I'll tell you what did happen when I purchased from them, though: I measured and chose one that I was safely within the size limits of. In the time that it took for it to get to me I had gained a little weight through stress eating and was now at the upper limit of measurements that could wear it. But I wasn't over, so that means it would fit more snugly, right? No. It wouldn't even go on.

My discontinued one stretched in front and back when you're getting into it but the material still compressed. Their kind compresses via a panel in front that doesn't stretch making them harder to get into and the margin of error for sizing a lot smaller. I know it was a beloved brand but even if the quality returned I don't know if I would want to recommend it because of my experience with them.

no worries!! its a good and accurate explanation for other ppl too. my weight fluctuates a lot for various reasons and even weight aside ive always had a large chest, and i wish the panel in front was larger bc the side boob and underboob game if you got a mid length one is crazy. every time i try and take it off its so awful and gonna be honest ive gotten stuck doing so before. ive heard it can be okay if you already have a small chest but man its just isnt good in my experiences either

[anamericangirl]

Look, I'm all for learning about other cultures and religions and representing them correctly but wow you do not understand the history of Christianity and you are misrepresenting it to a very ridiculous degree here in your post.

And saying Christians are guilty of "religious-based colonialism" is one the most cringe things I have ever seen. I really wish y'all would stop using the word colonialism and applying it to everything you don't like because you don't know what it means and you're using it wrong.

But like, first off, Christianity is the most popular religion in the world (and this is not because christians "colonized" most of the planet. miss me with that shit. I'm not in the mood to give a whole history lesson to you right now but that's just an absurd thing to say) and it is the dominant religion in the west. It's not surprising that the main Christian holidays are recognized on a federal level because most people in the country, whether they are religious or not, celebrate them. It's not a bad thing. And no one is marginalized or oppressed because their religious holiday isn't observed on a federal level when there aren't nearly as many people in the country that celebrate it.

In Arab countries that are largely dominated by the religion of Islam, Christian holidays don't get the same recognition as the Islamic ones. Is that wrong? Or is it what would be expected?

Not every religious holiday for every religion is going to be recognized on an equal level when it's only applicable to a much smaller number of people.

Secondly, Christian holidays are not pagan! They don't have pagan roots and they did not "co-opt" and "christianize" them. That's a common misconception but it's utterly untrue. Just because it falls around the same time as old pagan holidays or even uses some of the same traditions (which were not exclusive to pagan practices btw) doesn't mean we stole pagan holidays. There are similarities between the way the winter solstice and Christmas are celebrated but they are celebrated in much the same way all special occasions are celebrated due to human social tradition. Not because we're all stealing pagan rituals. And christians did not "christianize" the winter solstice until it turned into modern Christmas. They were always two different celebrations that had nothing to do with each other.

"The places where Christianity isn’t the dominant religion, however, is mostly composed of non-white people, specifically Arab, South Asian, and East Asian. So these “but what about where Christianity is appropriated” often end up sounding like “why aren’t you persecuting people of colour”, which sounds like trying to justify racism against people over there to me."

I feel like this is really the crux of what you're getting at. You're just trying play the racism card.

When you hear someone call you out on your double standard of not caring as much when christianity is appropriated by other religions and you change it to "why aren't you persecuting people of color" that's a problem with you, not the person asking the question. No one could logically hear that question instead unless they want to.

How the heck is that trying to justify racism? Sounds like you just use the race of people to avoid addressing your ignorance and double standards. Which sounds a lot like you're the racist one in this scenario.

Christians aren't "appropriating" Native American beliefs. You don't have to understand other religions 100% in order to use them in your writing or whatever. It's not appropriation to be interested in something you don't know everything about. You guys want your traditions and religions recognized on an equal level as everything else and appreciated by everyone but at the same time tell anyone who tries to use it for anything that they are "appropriating" it if they don't do it exactly right. You just want to be a victim and call everyone a racist.

Meanwhile you did a terrible job describing the global history of christianity and and explaining what you refer to as "christian appropriation" and why you think it's more ok to appropriate things if you're non-white because idk for some reason the western world is the only one you really care about and for some reason the things everyone around the world does are only bad when done in the west because we're mostly white I guess. but I'm not going to say you're appropriating christianity. I just think you're uneducated (and a tad racist) and shouldn't be saying stuff like this about something you clearly know nothing about.

Cultural Christianity, Christian Appropriation, and Derailment

Periodically, I discuss the concept of cultural Christianity, the dangers of authors mucking with folklore that is not theirs, and what you have to guard against when you’re a part of a culturally Christian society.

And every time I do, like clockwork, Christians come in and say “but what about [non-Christian nation appropriating Christianity], hmmmmm????? That’s just as bad!”

So let’s talk about all of it.

Cultural Christianity

For starters: What is cultural Christianity?

Cultural Christianity is the fact the Western calendar is primarily built around two things: farming, and Christianity

Our dedicated time off that is mostly guaranteed to all workers are Christian holidays. Easter, Christmas, Good Friday. The time between Christmas and New Year is also prone to being off and this also in some dominions has Christian events.

And yes, I know that most of these holidays actually have pagan roots. Christianity co-opted them and thoroughly Christianized them, to the point their re-paganization only really started in the 1800s… by people who were also culturally Christian, and often wrote whole books on Christianity on top of their neo-pagan beliefs.

It’s how Christmas is considered a “neutral, secular” holiday, when it’s celebrating the birth of Christ. It’s how the concept of “other religions” exist, let alone the fact they have to ask for time off for their own holidays that count against their personal vacation time, when Christians often don’t have to do that. It’s how you see more churches than mosques or synagogues in the West by a very large factor.

There are very few places in the West that are not, on some level, culturally Christian. Some very insular communities might be able to escape a lot of the trappings of Christianity, but still. The government mandated days off are mostly Christian things. 

Cultural Christianity means everyone who was raised in a culturally Christian society has a Christian lens. They are aware of Christianity, its holidays, its general story, its values. 

This translates to them having to unlearn all of this and learn a whole new framework when they begin researching other folklore (Native religions, in my case, but this also applies to other religions such as Judaism and Islam) cause other folklore/religions do not have the same holidays, values, or even relationship to the deity in question.

Christian Appropriation

So in a non-Christian society, it is possible to appropriate Christianity. Because the same factors that have Christians appropriate everything else in the West are at play with a different dominant religion.

This mostly shows up in Japanese media. Japan has Shinto/Buddhism as a dominant religion, and you’ll often hear anime or manga artists say they simply picked Christian imagery because it looks cool.

And I agree this is disrespectful! It is really not fun to watch sacred imagery of your beliefs be used because “it looks cool” and I would love it if all appropriation of others’ beliefs ended.

But that often isn’t the focus of the posts getting these comments.

Derailment

This is twofold.

1- Very few places where Christianity isn’t the dominant religion exist.

Because Christian nations colonized most of the planet, there are a lot more culturally Christian places than you probably want to admit, if you’re the kind of person who pulls “but what about the appropriation.”. This includes a lot of Africa, a lot of Southeast Asia, a lot of Oceania, a lot of South America, basically all of North America, and basically all of Europe. 

You might disagree with how they practice Christianity, but they are still Christian. This means they are culturally Christian. Just not your culturally Christian.

But, as I mentioned in the previous section, appropriation can happen. It just doesn’t happen much in the English speaking world, and I am speaking to the English speaking world. Specifically, the Western English speaking world, which is very much culturally Christian.

The places where Christianity isn’t the dominant religion, however, is mostly composed of non-white people, specifically Arab, South Asian, and East Asian. So these “but what about where Christianity is appropriated” often end up sounding like “why aren’t you persecuting people of colour”, which sounds like trying to justify racism against people over there to me.

2- You are trying to say you are as much of a victim as us, when you are not

If you live in the West, you are culturally Christian unless you have grown up very deeply entrenched in a non-Christian community.

You have grown up with a wide, wide, wide variety of Christian stories, Christian based stories, Christian values/worldviews-as-default told to you your whole life. Some of it has been terrible, some of it you disagree with, but by and large, every story has some infusion of Christianity to it. Some of the most popular fictional texts are deeply religious things, like the Chronicles of Narnia.

You have not had your religion forbidden from being practiced, to you personally.

You have only seen true appropriation in very recent times, because of the influx of non-Western media being imported.

You have not had your sacred places constantly, consistently infringed upon and destroyed for reasons like “an observatory” or “a pipeline” or “a dam” or “a mine”.

You may have dealt with misunderstandings and miscommunications but you have rarely had somebody fundamentally misunderstand what Christianity is (Jesus as lord and saviour, died for our sins, we should try to live a more godly life and a good life to get into Heaven and get eternal happiness).

Native people have not had any of those luxuries, and it has mostly been culturally Christian people who have taken what is ours and turned it into what they wanted it to be. 

We have Christian pagans (paganism was founded and codified in the Victorian era, so no, it’s not “ancient wisdom” but more Victorians—who were definitely culturally Christian—interpreting everything to prove Christianity as more universal than it was*) peddle dream catchers and calling themselves medicine people and burning sage to the point it’s endangered, all trying to claim they’re “following Native practices” when they’re not.

So when I’m speaking to somebody in the Western world, 95% of the time I will be speaking to somebody culturally Christian. 

*When you start to track the “studied ancient mysteries” things, you either find types like the Theosophical Society that wildly appropriated Hinduism and Buddhism to fit their own ends and often put in messiah figures into them to show how there’s a Christ everywhere on the planet, or you start to dive into people who took Christianized recordings of folklore who may or may not have sipped some “older religions are better for noble savages reason” juice.

It’s very often racist and pulling from records written down by missionaries who had a vested interest in modifying the folklore in question, or from people who’d already been Christianized, so its validity is questionable.

Beginning to Unlearn

If you want to learn more about cultural Christianity and how to be more respectful of non-Christian belief systems, take a look at the this post and the folklore tag in general. Those are great starting places for you to do deeper research into whatever marginalized belief you’re looking to use.

I’d also suggest earnestly learning about other belief structures’ customs, challenging your assumptions of what is neutral and universal and the proper way of doing things. You might find a lot of surprising things that you weren’t expecting, even just looking at Abrahamic religions.

In the end

When I’m speaking to somebody who wants to use Native folklore, I’m going to assume they’re culturally Christian and educate them accordingly.

I am having a conversation to Christians about the appropriation of Native culture and how not to do that.

I am not going to suddenly change topics to make Christians comfortable by proving that I’m a champion for them, because frankly, they shouldn’t be dangling respecting Natives if only they interrupt themselves to prove they’re properly educated on Christian issues. Because that demand is once again centring Christianity above Native people.

I am talking about Native issues, not Christian issues.

I do not accept derailments that are thinly veiled racism or persecution complexes based off “what if”s that have not actually happened in the West. I acknowledge they happen elsewhere, and that’s tragic. I am not the person to talk about those details. I’d rather pass the mic to Christians in the area and let them speak. They are not Western Christians’ shields to use as they will. They have a voice, as well.

I am not going to coddle people who feel that Christian values are diminishing from society because we need room for more than just Christian values and Christianity does not have a monopoly on being a good person.

I am talking about Christians appropriating Native American beliefs.

And if that makes you uncomfortable, to hear Western Christians have protection, insert their own dogma into too much, and have unlearning to do—without being able to tack on a story about how no, really, you’re a victim in the West—then you have more unlearning to do. I’ve given places to start learning above.

We are talking about Native issues right now.

And I will not stop calling Christians out for their religious-based colonialism.

~ Lesya

[starlightshore]

Aaa! I am sorry about that (this is anarchy anon!) I don't remembr exactly what I wrote in the first ask but my main problem with anarchy, though the idea seems to be the best ideal way for society to function is that it leaves a power vacuum, and that I am not sure how it would be be solved. There are always assholes in the world and thst can't be ignored and it won't be solved in an easy way. Everytime anarachy has occurdd it has usually made a way for another equal or worse government to (1)

/under read more since this is gonna be lengthy O: sorry mobile users!

(2/2) brought up. And ... also I am not sure people have the kindness to do things without some kind of programs. While many lives will be the same without an institution governmental programs will not be funded to help cities to help schools to help those who need the help in general. The system is craptastic now but... in an anarachy system I just can see it getting worse. It has bright sides but I can't see it working.////////////

oh defs fair points! all systems have flaws and need trial and error to fix unless its so broken from the ground up it needs to be replaced -and i do believe capitalism is that broken. we didn’t start out with empires or huge states of government, humanity lived under anarchism before these governments and we can live so again. the issue is that we haven’t had a large scale and successful anarchist country that hasn’t been squashed by the state. (tho, the history of anarchy is more of a blind spot of mine, i would recommend talking with other anarchists on this topic lmao)

again, so like. capitalism is new. Civilization did not always rule like it does now, capitalism and our current systems are built off Feudalism. we can all agree feudalism is bonkers and awful, yeah? why are we so faithful to a system built off it by people who owned slaves and were wealthy and powerful? why do we trust its for the benefit of the common people when the 1% of the 1% horde most of the wealth in the world and most people in the US if you accurately measured them would be in poverty or near poverty? half of the nation would be considered poor. (and near poverty is still very bad. you’re one bad medical bill or career issue away from poverty, that’s a problem)

(quote taken from the wikipedia, heres the source it mentions)

our planet is dying, we’re dying. the poor are poorer and we can not live like this anymore. we need change, and we have to quick or we will literally all die. we have to have a extreme solution or we will have an extreme end.

i’m not advocating for looting streets or murder by guillotine obvs, our society is too raised on capitalism and regression to think of revolution right now. (hell, most people have an incorrect definition of what anarcy is, how do i expect people to adopt it?) i know i will not live long enough to see a just anarchist world, even if i think we should strive to try, as mentioned, we don’t have a choice under capitalism as the planet is dying. i mean. most people think anarchy means “to live without reason or order” when it really means to dispose of police states and flawed governmental systems.

so yeah, i know theres challenges with getting anarchy to work, and while ideally think we need to act fast and make the changes happen now, i know this takes time and being progressive through socialism -from smaller to greater reform like free education, stopping corporations from monopolies and polluting, giving workers rights and better pay, giving more political power to the people ect. can be achieved through the current system but i honestly think thats just as fantastical as creating a completely new system that doesn’t rely on a military state.

the system was created by rich people for rich people. working within it is a uphill battle that could just as easily fall right back or get worse with each new election. the elections themselves are designed by the ground up to keep power to those in power, we need imminent change.

no police, no armies, no private prisons, no inequality. i can’t expect this to be done or solved easily or quickly, but it is still something i can strive for and wish for.

also like... having police and our armies aren’t effective. its just control over the people and colonialism. the war on drugs was not effective, it worsened conditions of those who are addicts and has let generations of people unjustly criminalized and imprisoned. (and, shocker, its racist. its mainly targeted towards marginalized people, specifically black the most.) addiction is a mental health issue, it shouldn’t be treated as a serious offense for decades in prison.

in addition, police are largely left unchecked with power and the whole police system is rigged to keep abusive and exploitative people with jobs and guns. 

so yeah power vacuums would be difficult, and we do need universal laws to protect people, but if we’re all working together to govern ourselves and create a society that helps the poor, those in any need, the world will be better. under capitalism, this can never be fully achieved.

[kaelin-cherise]

So...

I had the sudden urge to look something up, a nagging. According to my mother, I was "misdiagnosed" as autistic due to a prenatal screening. 18 years later and I find out, there was a one point margin of error that made it impossible to truly tell. (MAYBE BECAUSE I WASNT BORN YET? YATHINKOFTHAT?)

I took an online test to find out that after 18 years, I could actually have ONE WORD to describe my social ineptness, my awkwardness, my weirdness- dont get me wrong, I love it, but seriously, I need like an entire dictionary to describe why I cant make friends.

The further I dived into research and into my past. It made sense. I kept looking at lists of traits, writing down the ones that fit me and I filled up an entire sheet of notebook paper in less than an hour with all these little things that were signs.

It made a lot of sense. People always seemed so weird; I couldnt make people out. I had to lump them into categories in my mind JUST to feel at peace with myself. I fumbled for why I didn't understand certain things, or how people seemed so caught up on things I LITERALLY just heard about as if it happened yesterday. Everyone always seemed so... connected... and I was pushed out of the loop. Or they purposely pushed me out because... they took one look at me and thought I was weird? I don't know?

Okay first, I do, do that thing where someone deadpans when they tell a "joke" and I literally can't tell if they were joking, being serious, being sarcastic, none of the above? And I'm waiting for a sign from someone else to know what they thought- and the person who told me the "joke" tells me to laugh. I've always been like that. A stick in the mud or something.

I liked different things from kids my age- though I mostly blame that on the area I grew up in (wasn't very diverse) but also my family- I was open-minded. I was pretty smart, but I was shy and quiet, and would rather hide from social interaction. Teachers were nice, kids my own age FRIGHTENED me. They were loud. I couldnt understand why they couldn't be quiet, or sit down, or be quiet... it seemed so simple to me? But I could make a friend or two... to survive.

For the longest time I was a huge fan of sonic despite not owning or playing much- if any- of the games. That fandom carried me for YEARS. I can still find most of the old AMVs I used to watch when I was in elementary school (and I watched the same like 7 everyday for hours). Now I'll tell you that special fandom is Cardcaptor Sakura or Sailor Moon. I can talk your ear off for HOURS if you get me started. (Infodumping~)

As I got older, I got stressed. The little things people did got more infuriating, they seemed uncontrollable to literally everyone. Unless it was answering a question, the only thing the entire class would hear out of me would be "be quiet" when it got too loud. As I got older, sounds became louder. I found myself covering my ears when a fire alarm went off. Crashes and bangs scare me more than usual, even if I expect some noise because I dropped it. Light sensitivity has also been a very random occurrence.

But except for meltdowns, I'm extremely high functioning. And that's why it's taken so long to figure it out. Everything in my life had an excuse. I wasn't really raised in a neighborhood so I didn't have kids around my age all the time. And when I interacted with them, I was just "shy." I didn't have any major stims outside of comfort objects (blankets, stuffed animals) that were perfectly acceptable for someone my age. So to most, I was just a highly and sometimes over-emotional kid who just didn't understand social interaction but was good in school. I could hide behind this wall of what I picked up from other kids and media and pretend I understood (Or hide, I like "hide" better). But even a major sign like inappropriate laughter (again, I was just told and figured I was a giggly kid), or burnout/meltdowns I was just thought of as... normal. Weird, but neurotypical.

But I'm not.

So, I told my mom.

And she was cool with it. In fact, most of our family shows a few traits of being autistic.

She added more research to the list of things we need to do (Because College) and manage. Finding major stressors outside of school that could cause meltdowns, listing my traits. I took it upon myself to even get a stim necklace because I have a naughty habit of chewing my lip (better than biting my nails), and I need to get a new fidget cube, because GEARS ARE RELAXING and button clicking is nicer than clicking pens.

I also need to find some sort of forum/chat post for freshman for the college I applied to so I could possibly make friends. Plus finding an upperclassman or someone who wouldn't mind keeping an eye on me while I adjust to being out of my hometown, away from family and friends, who would also keep me out of trouble.

That also means getting an official diagnosis. My mother plans to make an appointment for me soon, so wish me luck.

So, I'm self diagnosed, with research and a test to prove how and why. With an official diagnosis on the way. It's kind of nice to, now, be able to summarize everything with a quick word and few smaller explanations.

I'm autistic.

[aquarianlights]

BABY CAME HOME FROM SURGERY YESTERDAY!!! But we still need help! GFM and paypal links at the end!

For those of you who don’t know what is going on, Echo, my 5 year old pomeranian who is my world, was diagnosed with a cancerous mast cell tumor on 8/4/19. We immediately got him in with an oncologist on the 6th and drew up a plan for surgery. We tentatively scheduled his removal for Friday, with a downpayment of 1.5k against their policy (as they are not allowed to take down payments that are not the full amount) with the promise I would call Thursday night and tell them I had the money and intended to pay at his 7am drop off. I went home that night and immediately started up a gofundme, as his surgery alone ran 2.5k, while the emergency visit that diagnosed him was ~500+ and the surgery consult and all his labs and tests ran ~600+. I wasn’t even thinking about aftercare at this point (chemo, radiation, checking for clean margins, infection fund, suture removal, medications, etc...), because if we didn’t remove the tumor ASAP he could have died from it. And if he had stayed on the medications preventing it from spreading and reducing its size, his adrenal gland could have been shut down altogether and he could have ended up with diabetes mellitus or Cushing’s syndrome. I was scared to post a gofundme, because the one time I really needed help when Echo and I were homeless and posted a gofundme, I got attacked by absolute strangers for no reason just for asking for help.

Little did I know that this time would be an entirely different experience.

My friends, their friends, my family, strangers... everyone came together and rallied for Echo. Donations poured in over gofundme and through my paypal and through cash from people physically with me. On top of that, the people physically here with me were helping out by babysitting him when I had to leave and couldn’t avoid it and by keeping me company and bringing me food and checking up on me as my mental health took a sharp decline. Everyone would come over to give Echo and me lovings.

I usually feel so alone in my battles since I live alone and don’t reach out for help that often anymore. I have my therapist, but that’s different. My catastrophic thoughts always end up in places like “no one would care if you died; it would be best since no one even checks in on you or bothers to help unless they need something”.

This experience opened my eyes to something I have been missing all these years. People care more than I’ll ever know. And in times of crisis, every single one of the people I hold near and dear to my heart will band together to back me. I had at least 20-30 of my friends just messaging me constantly, sending support, sending money, sending their love and keeping Echo and me in their thoughts. I have a very small circle of best friends, with 2 of those being platonic soul mates. And then I have what I would consider a smaller circle of very good friends in the 15-20 number range, and the rest of my friends are people who I don’t know if I can trust or not. But those people in those two circles, both very good friends and good friends, I know for a fact would go to the ends of the earth for me if it was within their power and I would do the same for them. And in this moment of crisis, the SECOND I said I needed help, they were ALL there. Every single person on that list was there in some shape or form. And even beyond that, there began to be friends that I wasn’t sure of just jumping in to back me and Echo as if it were their sacred duty. I was SHOOK.

I cannot even express to you all how much I cried every time I would see a donation alert from GFM or paypal or a text pop up from someone in support of Echo and our situation.

It made me realize just how many people genuinely cared for me and would do what they could if it is within their power. It made me realize I wasn’t alone. And I only wish there was some way I could tell Echo how much he is loved by so many people and how many people banded together to save his life. He would be so grateful.

Albeit this has been such a traumatic experience for both of, I never expected for it to become such a unique bonding experience between us. He is depending on me more than *ever* before and trusting me with everything possible.

As you can see above, he has a TON of meds, so I made him my medication buddy and set up a system where we take some of our meds at the same time. He takes his meds much more frequently than I do at all different times and different frequencies, so I have to keep track of the schedule. He has to stay confined to his kennel 99% of every day, only coming out to pee, which I have allowed him to pee and defecate on the pee pads with the rubber mat underneath, that way it doesn’t affect my carpet at all and I don’t have to pick him up and carry him down and up 3 flights of stairs, thereby hurting him. Getting anywhere near his incision site makes him scream and shriek in pain. He also has to wear the cone of shame 99% of the day, too. The only time it comes off is when he is attached to the leash, with my room door closed, while I am feeding him and giving him meds and letting him drink (and cleaning the e-collar) so I can grab him if he tries to lick or scratch the staples. I feel bad leaving him in the kennel but as a pre-med major and a former vet tech major, I know the extreme importance of following post-op instructions to a T.

He also gets cold therapy with a frozen gel pack for the first 5 days, 3x/day, 10-15 minutes each session. Then we switch to heat therapy with a warm washcloth in a pillow case. All directly applied to his incision site to reduce swelling.

We will not know the grade of the tumor or whether we got clean margins on this surgery (you go 2cm out from the tumor as a rule, but that doesn’t guarantee you get clean margins) until his biopsy comes back. His biopsy should come back in about 5-7 business days from last Friday (8/9/19). We are hoping it will be low-grade and that we got clean margins.

If we didn’t, he will need radiation therapy or chemo or possibly even another surgery to go back in and excise what they didn’t get. Or god forbid it is high grade and has spread, in which case chemo will be a necessity.

Now, all of these things are ridiculously pricey as I mentioned. And Echo is on practically as many meds as I am on. And he has a 2-week healing period where just about anything can go wrong. One wrong move and he could tear a staple and need to be rushed to the ER. An infection could happen. ANYTHING. I have set up a little area next to him (pictured above) to make sure I can be right next to him at night and during the day when I’m home and not doing anything. I made sure to clear my schedule as much as I could these 2 weeks to be here for him. I don’t want him suffering alone and if anything goes wrong, I want to be *right here* to rush him somewhere and save him.

 Due to everything mentioned above, I am keeping the fund open for not only his aftercare but for an emergency fund in case anything goes wrong, god forbid.

So now that you know a little about my baby and what we’re fighting against, here are the links I promised at the beginning:

Echo’s GoFundMe: https://www.gofundme.com/echoscancerfund

My Paypal if you’d rather donate directly: thekilliancode@yahoo.com

Thank you to anyone and everyone who has shared and helped in any way. You’re all heroes in my book and if Echo knew the extent you’ve all gone for him, I’m sure he would be as endlessly grateful as I am to everyone for their help and support. Because of all of you, Echo now has another 7-10+ years to live with me and I get those years to thrive with him. I can’t thank everyone enough.

-Killian & Echo