#i just didn't realize how depressed she is rn???

[azziesbattybaddie]

Shadows and Snow Angels

Azriel x Reader, Azriel x child OCs

Chapter 2 - My scars won't heal

Normally when your mate Azriel comes home from the camps and asks you not to get mad it's because he brought home another wounded animal, not a baby boy...

Word count: 1.5k

💔 💘

Series warnings: past emotional abuse, past physical abuse, past emotional trauma, non explicit thoughts of suicide, depression, parental doubt, child abandonment, past child abandonment, brief talk of past pregnancy. no details mentioned, mention of non explicit SA, we die like men. Every chapter will be individually tagged.

If you don't like what your reading click off!

Author's note: ok, so I kinda his a manic a episode and now I'm writing the second chapter literally the minute I posted the first. We'll see how long it will take me to finish this one but if y'all are lucky, maybe we'll get 2 chapters in one day!

Author's note 2: lucky streak gone but at least it'll be on time. I'm gonna try to post a new chapter every Friday, but we'll see how it goes, life's kinda crazy rn.

Chapter warnings: brief talk of child abuse, Azzie is a traumatized baby, this chapter is actually more fluff than angst but still, we die like men.

Rhys opened the door, only in his pajamas with his hair sticking up in random places. It must have been a long night. Nyx just turned two a couple months ago and he was having a horrible time sleeping through the night. Rhys and Feyre took shift but everyone knew that Rhys was the one that usually stayed up with him.

"hey I'm sorry, I know it's late, or well early, but we officially have an emergency." You said while Rhys just glanced between the two of you, it took him a good second to realize that there was suddenly an extra little one with you both. Azriels shadows darted past Rhys's feet to go check if the house was safe.

"yeah come on in, I'll go get Feyre." Rhys stepped aside and let you both in before jogging tiredly up the stairs to get his mate. You quietly sat down on the couch to re adjust the little hat Elain made for Astrid, fixing it to sit on her delicate head better. You chuckled as Rhys's appearance. Who knew that out of get trapped in hell for 50 years, enduring another war and having a baby, it was the baby that finally got him. "Poor high lord."

Azriel was still standing but he seemed to be enjoying bouncing Rhain in his arms, rocking him side to side as his shadows created a Shadowy mobile above them. He chuckled softly at your comment, glance in his brothers direction before looking back to the little boy in his arms. They were practically making heart eyes at eachother, if it wasn't so late at night you might have asked Feyre to paint it.

The way Azriel interacted with children was honestly what drew him to you in the first place and the ease in the way he can calm them makes your heart melt every time. Your mate was always so still and calm so seeing him bouncing and sway your daughter and the same way he does with Rhain now, made your heart soar higher than the stars above.

You were still smiling at your mate when you heard rushed footsteps flying down the stairs. You didn't have to look up to know that Feyre was running to come see the little one. The Shadows flared defensively but calmed at the sight of their high lady.

"OK, WHERE TH-" you shushed her quickly before she woke up all three kids in the house. She was still in her night gown and her hair was tied back messily. "Sorry, where the hell did this little cutie come from!..."

You chuckled as Feyre took Rhain from your mate. He looked skeptical and basically hovered over his sister in-law as she cuddled the baby. The Shadows however, seemed content to huddle around you and Astrid on the couch, completely ignoring their masters anxious behavior.

"Az, would you calm down, she's not gonna drop him." You say barely containing your laughter. He was actually just as overprotective as the day you brought your daughter home. It was adorable.

"Oh my gods! What's his name?!" Feyre squealed quietly and came to settle on the couch next to you. Rhain was babbling softly and grabbed Feyre's finger in his small hand.

"Rhain. His name is Rhain." Azriel said, still standing next to feyre, he's hands twitching at his side, wanting to take Rhain back from her. You shook your head at his antics, he's had this baby in his care for like 2 hours and he's already acting like Mother hen.

"I'm sorry, I know it late and I know that Nyx id having issues sleeping but we don't have anything that will fit him and I decided that this officially classified as an emergency."

"No, don't worry about it at all! Not at all, no! Not at all!" She said less to you as she cooed down at your little boy before actually lifter her gaze to you and responding. "Yeah, absolutely this is an emergency. Come on I'm sure I could spare some jumpers for him, Cauldron knows that Rhys is gonna buy him more anyway."

Feyre stood and tried to walk away with the Rhian still wrapped I her arms but a wall of shadows came to block her from walking away just long enough for Azriel to take him back. Feyre just rolled her eyes and lead you upstairs, muttering jokingly to herself about Azriel being overprotective.

2 hours later you all were back at your own home, azriel settling the baby's down for bed. You had added a temporary separator in the crib just for tonight, you'll have to make a trip to the Palace quarters tomorrow for another one. Your mate had just finished building your daughter's nursery and now you're either gonna have to rearrange everything or finds another room in your home for a second nursery... Wonderful...

Once they were both swaddled, wings and all, they were out like a light before he could flip the switch. You were sitting in bed trying to read and relax but you mind was reeling from the days events. Your mind wandered to Rhain. He was so small, he still had that fresh baby smell. You had tried to explain the smell to Mor one time but she thought you were crazy, must be a mom thing. He was underweight and dehydrated from what you could tell, the poor thing could barely suckle the bottle you had fed him earlier. You were lost in thought, book discarded laying open in your lap, as Azriel came into the room, his footsteps as silently as ever.

"So how much trouble am I in?" Your head snapped up at his voice. 4 years... 4 years you had been together and he still manages to sneak up on you, you'd think you would be better at spotted him now but no. You looked up at him, you eyes locked on him as you pulled yourself from the whirlwind of questions and worries you had gotten lost in. He was leaning forward against the bed frame at the foot of the bed. His Shadows fluttered and flitted out into the room randomly as per usual when it was time for bed. It was interesting, most people thought Azriels Shadows were just extensions of him but in reality, most of them had personalities and curiosity, it was kinda cute to watch them.

"come here..." You opened your arms for him and waited as he quickly shrugged off his leathers and siphons, a few of the Shadows helping him by catching his siphons and placing them on the dresser silently. He sank onto he stomach and into your arms with a sigh. He nuzzled his face into your chest as his wings relaxed and sprawled across the massive bed.

"I'm not upset with you. I mean I would have loved a heads up that we were gonna adopt an infant today but I know that the circumstances were anything but ideal. Trust me I would have been PISSED if I found out you didn't bring him home. You are the most compassionate and empathetic person I've ever known. Thats one of the reasons I love you so much." You smile as you feel every muscle in his body melt under your hands, your fingers working out the knots from his back. He let out a breathy moan when you gently pressed your fingers into the onyx skin at the base of his wings.

"he needed me, and you. Besides your a good mama, if anyone could give him the love he needs it's you..." He lifted himself slightly to settle on top of you better, he's arms wrapping around your waist and his thighs spreading yours a bit more. You took a second to bask in the moment, your fingers tangling and brushing through his hair, a couple of shadows coming to rest on the pillow next to you. You thanked the mother for moments like this. For the times when you both could just hold each other and feel just as loved and seen as if you had spent the night making the house shake.

"Thank you... for understanding, for not being upset. You have every right to be..." azriel mumbled, his voice laced with emotion. He was right, you did have a right to be mad but you weren't. How could you ever be upset with him for being the most loving male in Prythian?! You hugged him tighter and kissed his forehead.

"Do you wanna talk about it? Whatever your thinking about?" You smoothed a hand over his back to try and comfort him. Even though you had been mated for a few years there were still secrets and things he refused to tell you, especially about his excuse of a childhood. You knew the basics, a general idea of how he was treated but he never went into details. You liked to think he wouldn't tell you because he knew you would find his half brothers and rip them to shreds, although You knew in reality it was most likely just to painful to actively try to remember.

"yeah I do, but not tonight. I... we can talk about it tomorrow, I don't want to ruin the night..." He said choosing his words carfully. Azriel easily sat up and flipped you both so you to rest against his side and pulled the covers over you both, the Shadows that had been occupying the pillow previously jumped away I'm a misty puff. You didn't press. You knew he would tell you when he was ready to open up. It made sense, that he past would rear it's ugly head after he brought Rhain home. You left a small kiss on his chest before snuggling into him and letting yourself drift off into your thoughts, the shadows descending over you both is calm wave urging you both into sleep.

Thank you so much for reading and as always I hoped you enjoyed this chapter! If you wanna be added to the tag list please comments or DM me to be added!

Taglist

@romantasyreader28 @tele86 @mulansaucey @jennnsthings @6v6babycheese @mich0731 @starlightandsouls @ohemgeewhat @littlelunatica @icey--stars @paleidiot @jir67 @celestialamore @rcarbo1 @quiet-because-it-is-a-secret @queenoffeysand @suppppp97

[strongheartneteyam]

Realize where you belong.

Pairing: neteyam sully x female!human!reader/female!dreamwalker!reader

Neteyam is aged up.

Chapter 2

CW: angst, reader hates her life, neteyam is like her "secret admirer" but he eventually becomes obsessed, so, it gives off some creepy vibes, possessive neteyam, forbidden love, neteyam is REALLY protective over her, neteyam isn't really fond of humans (hates them) and only makes an exception for reader, TRIGGER WARNING for a few depression symptoms (such as reader holding back tears and looking miserable really often), stalking, obsessive behavior & possessiveness

Synopsis: Reader is unhappy with her human life. She works for the lab as a cook. She's a Dreamwalker and she spends every free day she gets walking through Pandora's forests. In one of those days, Neteyam sees her but she doesn't notice him. He falls in love, seeing how happy she is amidst nature. Neteyam finds out she's actually a human in an Avatar, so, he finds a way to go where her real body is. He hates to admit it but, seeing her in her human body, he realizes he still loves her. After watching her, he notices how she's always happier when she's in her Avatar, so, he develops a deeper connection to her. However, he becomes obsessive. Reader has only heard about him, the famous son of Jake Sully and future Olo'eyktan, praised for his great achievements as a young Omatikaya. After getting reader's attention, Neteyam asks her to choose to live forever in her Avatar, becoming his mate and making tsaheylu with him, gaining a new home as a fresh member of his tribe. Reader is scared and torn, since, even though she's intensely attracted to him and only truly enjoys life when she's Dreamwalking, she doesn't really know him and she's afraid of dying when trying to go past Eywa's eye. But Neteyam just won't give up on her that easily.

♡ This is Reader's Avatar

☆ This is the official playlist for this story, the songs I listen to while working on it.

•

Finally, this fanfic is out!! lots of people seemed to love the tiny sneak peek I posted so... I hope you guys will love the fanfic itself too hehe I'm so relieved I could finally post it ooof My environment is the worst EVER rn & i haven't had any motivation or focus to write lately BUT i seem to be getting out of that damned writer's block I was in (ITS THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD UGH HATE IT TO DEATH)

Not proofread. My life is a hurricane, so, we don't work with proofread stories here. Hope you find it in your hearts to forgive me, my angels :')

na'vi words:

yawne - beloved

tsaheylu - the neurological bond the na'vi make with their mate, through their tendrils, at the end of their long braid.

Chapter 1

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

I love your touch, cold as ice

And I love every single tear you cry

I just love the way you're losing your life

Oh, my baby, how beautiful you are

Oh, my darling, completely torn apart

Gone With The Sin (HIM)

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

Neteyam would look at you every moment he could. He didn't have that much free time since he was the Olo'eyktan's son and had so many responsibilities weighting on his shoulders. But he would always make any sacrifice he needed to make to find time to see you. Even if it meant using the few hours he had to himself to contemplate you. His sad, gloomy-eyed, beautiful girl. You were not actually his yet, but, he was determined to make that change.

Neteyam saw you holding back tears way too damn often, so, he was always deeply worried about you, and, that was one of the reasons why he was always creeping around, high up in branches of trees located in Hell's Gate, watching over you, almost every day, ready to help you, defend you from any danger, to say "screw it" to how out of the blue it would be if he - a stranger, a male na'vi stranger - just came up to you and said "hey, I've been watching you for a while, and… I'm so, so in love with you. Please, leave this damn idiotic human life you live and let Eywa help you be transferred to your Avatar body for good, just like she helped my father. You're so insanely pretty like this - and I have never felt attracted to any female of your demon kind before, so, believe me when I talk about your beauty - but you look even prettier when you're in your Avatar form. Let me make you my mate, let me make you the future Olo'eyktan's mate. I can give you a far better life than the one you have now"

He knew he was just a weird alien boy (as the humans would probably say), stalking you, always up in the highest tree branches he could find and reach, watching a girl while she cooks - as it was your job - like a hunter watching their prey. But he meant no harm. On the contrary, he meant to take care of you, to save you from it all. Because he wasn't blind. Neteyam saw how unhappy you looked while peeling potatoes (he knew what they were because his dad who was once human told him and his siblings about how delicious that vegetable from Earth tasted, especially when it was made as French fries) to cook on the high-tech stove the humans used to prepare their meals in and prepare mashed potatoes to those damn lab guys who invaded his Planet and did nothing but harm.

Neteyam thought it to be unnecessary. His future mate could easily prepare the same potatoes in a bonfire he would light up for you in the Omatikaya forest. He knew they would taste even better roasted in the natural fire than just plainly cooked in that energy fueled cooking device the humans used. He could give you a life so incredibly better than the one you had right now, it pained him to see his yawne working so hard to feed every damn scientist in that cold, air-conditioned lab while not being as appreciated and thanked by them as you deserved to be. You could be preparing food to feed his children instead, the sons and daughters he would give you, if only you accepted becoming his forever mate.

He hated the humans. They didn't know how to lead a proper life. But you were different.

Neteyam knew how breathtaking you looked in a na'vi like body because the first time he saw you, you were in your Avatar body - as you were a Dreamwalker - and that's when he fell in love with you. But he learned to love your human body too. He could never hate you, even in your human form. You were the only human he did not despise.

The day Neteyam first saw you, he was out in the forest to hunt and gather food, collecting bladder polyps, lionberry seeds and trying to kill a hexapede, so, he could bring all of it home and him and his family could eat a nutritious dinner.

That's when he heard a squeaky, funny laugh. It was a female voice, he recognized. Neteyam followed that sound just like he was a sailor and the girl whose laugh he heard was a mermaid, bewitching his senses and drawing him closer.

When he saw you, it was like his heart was going to explode in a thousand pieces, so fast it was beating inside his rigid ribcage, so strongly the blood was being pumped through his arteries. He knew he had to make you his mate, to have you forever.

Neteyam had always been a practical and rational young man, he had to be. He was the eldest son and had to look after his 3 younger siblings and not show a single sign of weakness when his father would scold him in a harsh tone, whenever any of his siblings - specially his younger brother, Lo'ak -, got into trouble and somehow, Neteyam ended up having to take responsibility over their actions. "But that girl… that beautiful, ethereal girl… she makes me believe in things I've never even considered before. I know it sounds stupid to say that about a girl I just met, only some minutes ago but I don't care", he thought. Only he and Eywa herself knew the raw, powerful feeling he was experiencing at that moment. He just wanted to let go for a while. To not force himself to be all brains, zero heart for once, just once. And you were gifting him the opportunity to do just that. Your beauty was so enchanting, it could leave any creature in awe.

His father had once told him about Christianity, one of the most popular religions back on the glory days of the Planet Earth, and, of course he didn't follow those beliefs, his spirituality was completely based on Eywa, the Great Mother, the spirit and moving energy of Pandora, but, if the beings called "angels" his father talked about were real, Neteyam was utterly sure that they could only look like you.

You were perfect. Every curve of your body, every bioluminescent freckle, every pattern of your stripes, your long dark braided hair falling like water on your flawless back, as you kept smiling and touching every single flower you could see, playing in a foolish way, just like a child. He felt a primal urge coming from his guts to make tsaheylu with you right there, right at that moment.

So many thoughts roamed through Neteyam's mind: "I need her… right here, right now. She's… ugh… I've never felt anything like this before… What's going on with your stupid mind, Neteyam?! You can't just choose any girl to be your mate, you'll be the next Olo'eyktan, remember?! The best choice would be a girl who has a calling to be Tsahìk. Maybe your parents will try to arrange a marriage, to find the perfect match for you. Damn! Who am I trying to fool? She is the only perfect match for me…"

Neteyam started to watch you go about the forest every chance he got.

When he found out you were actually a Dreamwalker, a human in a body created in a laboratory, a hybrid of demon and na'vi, a freak... It was like his world was falling apart, piece by tiny piece crashing on the floor. How did he not notice your fifth finger before?! Was he that much under your spell, that blinded by how beautiful and charming you were?, he asked himself.

So, he told himself he was going to find a way to at least see what your true form looked like. He hissed at the thoughts and feelings you had caused him the whole way to Hell's Gate, where the laboratory was and where he knew all the humans that stayed in Pandora and had an Avatar stayed.

When Neteyam saw you in your human body, he got hit by something as strong as lightning. The moment he sniffed your sweet scent (the smell you had in your Avatar had notes of your original human scent, as your DNA was used to build that body), the moment he recognized that melodious voice… The expression in those eyes, that smile, that laughter… it was you. His yawne.

He didn't understand how that was possible, what he was feeling. Nevertheless, he realized he still loved you. His heart still beat fast for you. It didn't matter which physical form you took. Na'vi or human. You were you. And he loved you. Madly.

His people had a great contempt towards the ones who Dreamwalked. They were "demons in false bodies", like his grandma and his mother always said. And Neteyam himself felt the same. Worse, he had felt disgusted by the love and desire you made him feel, back when he watched you wandering around the Omatikaya lands, when you would jump like a little kid, so happy playing with the bioluminescent, neon plants of the forest.

But, still, that feeling lingered inside him. The attachment, the deep affection, the devotion… He could not comprehend it.

All Neteyam could grasp was that he hated all humans, but you were the only exception.

Even though you were originally human, you had a na'vi heart. He just knew that. As crazy and impossible as it sounded, he figured out it was true. And that blew his mind. That sorrowful girl he was seeing cooking in a small technological kitchen was not the same one he had seen at the forest. But it was, at the same time. It apparently made no sense, but it actually did. You were not where you belonged. You did not belong imprisoned among those four walls that the other humans kept you in. That you were keeping yourself in. You belonged free amidst the Pandoran trees. You did not belong in those big human clothes. You belonged in a comfortable loincloth and a big leaf necklace covering your beautiful breasts, letting the wind hit your skin.

You seemed out of place in that environment you were currently in. And that made Neteyam feel something so overpowering. He knew it was useless to try and fight it. He was not even sure if he even wanted to fight it anymore. That feeling was good. It felt just like what he felt when he thought you were a na'vi girl. He even felt attracted to you, even though he still thought you looked much prettier in your Avatar body.

He was fully aware you were one of the demons. But you were not like the rest of them. You were special. He could tell that. He could tell you'd be a hundred per cent happier if he could convince you to become na'vi. And that's exactly what he was planning to do. He still did not know how, but he would find a way.

༊⁀➷

Taglist:

@crazy4books1

@samistars

@lik0

@miri-belle

@nerdybouquetofkittens-blog

@xxunnie

@your-girl-mj

@sereisstuff

@darktyrantwinner

@henhouse-horrors

@explosiongamora

@yeosxxx

[pumpkinsy0]

HAITIAN SHEPARDS HISTORY WOOOOO

TLDR: the shepards are immigrants from haiti who escaped from this dictatorship and found themselves in tulsa, tim made himself to be this intimidating guy because he wanted to protect his family, especially angela and curly, and that's also kinda how the shepard gang came to be

ALRIGHT SO QUICK CONTEXT, In the late 1950s, haiti was already facing political instability and economic challenges, so in the 1960s in haiti, this guy named papa doc came into power. He was ur average politician, when trying to get into office, he would cater to the needs of poor people and other marginalized groups, promising to address to their needs. Skipping past some electoral fraud, papa doc won through bribery, intimidation, and all around manipulation. When he was in power, he quickly made sure to try and keep that power and grow it, even creating this paramilitary force called the tonton macoutes. Anyone who opposed him were crushed,LITERALLY ANYONE who went against him were mostly jailed, tortured, or even killed, civilians, other haitian politicians, activist, ANYONE. And as you would guess, he would also censor the media, and made sure people were only glorifying his rule, and papa doc would essentially steal resources for himself, and ignore the needs of the haitian people.

NOW THE SHEPARDS IN HAITI, i would imagine that they of course had to flee, in fear for their lives however, of course it wasn't easy to do. Bc of papa doc, there were restrictions on immigration. Papa doc viewed immigration a threat to his power and would heavily surveil ppl who he saw as his enemies (aka people who went against what he wanted them to say). NOW i hc the shepards mother to have been this activist or AT LEAST someone who spoke out against what he was doing. Before she say him as this hope, but she quickly realized what was happening, tried to speak out against him, and got on his bad side, and was now not only heavily censored, but also bc now she wants to leave haiti, she's also being watched by papa doc's people. To make it clear, (NOT DOING MY MATH JUST GOING ON MY HEAD), tim is like AROUND a tween and angela and curly are like idk 9 or something, curly and angela dont really understand what's going on because their mom is changing, she's less outspoken and more depressed, but tim understands because he's been reading what his moms been saying and listening into her conversations with other activist. But back to what I was saying, their mother wants to leave haiti but papa doc's people is harassing not only her but her family, trying to stop them from leaving the country and spreading what's happening. At some point, their mom pulled tim aside and told him to protect angela and curly and that's just always been engraved in his mind. Now skipping over some other things that would really just deter me from what I want to do in this post, immigrating to the US was HARD, because of papa doc, but also bc the us is just SHITTY. It was literally just hard for haitians who wanted to move to get the legal documents the legal documents they needed to get to emigrate legally and even if they did, it would always jut be a very lengthy and complex journey, with NO guarantee of success

now up to this point, you can either see the shepards as legal immigrants or illegal immigrants, however because they get into a LOT of legal problems, im gonna say that they are legal immigrants cause they def would've been deported or somethin

NOW WHEN THEY GET TO THE US, haitians MOSTLy moved to states like florida or new york, and some other states I can't name off the top of my head rn, but I think they did have someone in the US who was willing to help them and that's how they got there, if i didn't just imagine this shit, the shepards canonically have a step father, and so I feel like that's how they got to america, maybe their mother married him for a green card or whatever, Im not fully fleshing this idea out, maybe ill do it later, but y'all get what i mean, someone helped the shepard immigrate out of haiti, and either their mom, their bio dad, or their step father got the job, and so they found themselves in tulsa

obviously theyre facing racial discrimination, its the 1960s in america, its like dead middle of the civil rights movement, noirisme in haiti is still popping off and goin strong, so while the shepards are in a VERY racist time, they themselves, dont feel down or bash themselves for being black, they are VERY MUCH comfortable being who they are and wouldn't change that, and because people stereotype that in black people as being "rude" and "aggressive" sometimes, that's exactly what happened to the shepards, ESPECIALLY because theyre dark skinned I wanna make that be known right now

Going deeper into how this impacted tim, curly, and angela now!!!

So obviously, they have thick haitian accents, how they pronounce their r's isn't really pronounced, they speak kinda slow bc they have to translate what theyre saying, and they get laughed at for that, and that's where tim like, wanted to prove himself and wanted to protect his family. Even before moving to the us, tim HAD to step up and take care of angela and curly because his mom was really caught up in other things, so when their in a COMPLETLEY NEW ENVIORMENT??? that ramped tf UP, tim tolerated absolutely no disrespect from ANYONE about his family, and like I said, because of those stereotypes about black people, ESPECIALLY dark skinned black people, he was basically villanized, ADDING ONTO THE FACT NOBPDY REALLY UNDERSTOOD HIM BECAUSE HES A HAITIAN IMMIGRANT AND COULDNT EXACTLY COMMUNICATE WITH PEOPLE THE WAY HE WANTED TO?????? yea he was villanized BAD, and this would happen with curly and angela too, dont think it didn't, and that's how the shepards started building this idea of being 'intimidating' and people you 'shouldnt mess with', they knew the area they were in was really dangerous, and so they used this system that was already against them to protect themselves and their family, but also because they can be really intimidating people and WILL beat a bitch up

And long story short since this post is ALREADY long as shit, but that's also how the shepard gang came to be!!! as they got more and more used to being in america, they made friends with the people they could trust and started out as this group of friends like the curtis gang, but then they saw how important it was to have a gang in these times, especially when it came to greasers vs socs, and became this scary gang

ANYWAYS YAP SESH OVER, i didn't really spell check or flesh out some ideas or anything like that cause im running off of my asthma medication rn and im very shakey but omggg if y'all have any questions about this do tell me this is very fun for me to do

[teriwrites]

Behind Closed Doors: 'The Noble Boyd Manor'

My Live Reactions to Reading Through My 2014 Novel

I was so glad to see that I had chapter divisions again going into this story, then realized that I split >70,000 words into 9 CHAPTERS

So anyways let's get started

We open on Delroy, staring up at the looming manor of Governor Cedric Boyd, wondering how in the hell he convinced himself to agree to becoming the man's new butler

NOOO, we're on paragraph 2 and I accidentally used a word which I knew from reading a lot of classics to have one meaning, and has taken on a Very Different meaning since those classics were written... oof

'He didn't belong here.' oooo this has been written out twice, love the ominous energy we got going on

Genuinely love how Cedric is being very polite, open, proud of his house, but then we see the guy acting as his current butler rushing to fulfill his requests and slouching 'as though the man was constantly prepared to flinch.'

'Despite the fact that the Isolates had never trusted him, and his friends had actually died because of him, Cedric did not appear to be a terrible man.' we're back at it again with appearances. delroy, my man, PLEASE boost your wisdom stat at your next opportunity, you're working with like a -2 to insight rn

"You, no offense intended, appear to be a man of the commonwealth. You can understand things of the common peasant that I never could. And know that I need to understand them. I want to sympathize with them. But I have not been living on the same level as them for nearly half a century." oh okay i HATE this guy

"What exactly are you asking of me?" Delroy finally asked, breaking the thick silence. Cedric continued to look at him silently for another minute. Finally, just before Delroy was about to repeat his question, Cedric let a breath escape, and opened his mouth to speak. "All I would need of you is that you tell me how the commonwealth live. I want them to see me as one of themselves. I want to be their advocate." (lowkey?? it's giving Mr. J from Below. I loved writing powerful antagonists who wish to appeal to the masses. Interesting.)

So many mentions of nausea in these first few pages, Delroy truly has those hot girl stomach problems

Lowkey kinda fun how Delroy, a man who has only ever lived and been around single-story buildings and lived in a relatively flat woodland (at the orphanage) and a plateau (with the Isolates), is a little awkward and unsure of his footing on a staircase. I don't think I even intended that, but he's currently using them pretty delicately

I can tell here that I really was trying to write this POC secondary character with a little more care and attention than I'd previously done, but it's still coming across stilted and awkward

'He was alone, which was something he'd been trying to avoid for the past few weeks. It had quickly become clear that being alone drew out the poisoned thoughts from the depths of Delroy's mind. They had engulfed him, spinning his view of the world until he'd desperately reached out for something to stabilize him. And that something he'd managed to cling to was Cedric Boyd.' can you tell i had a much more conscious experience with mental illness at this point lmaoo this girl has been Depressed

'Footsteps were approaching from somewhere down the hall, shoes scuffling against the hard wooden floor. Delroy kept his eyes closed and made sure to breathe steadily. He didn't want anyone to see him in this state.' i was wondering whether he'd change a lot between books 1 and 2, love that some of that vanity still clings to him

"Don't mind Eleri," a voice from behind Delroy sounded. He turned, surprised, to see the chef, a smirk lighting up his face. "She ne'er wastes an opportunity to complain. She's been workin' here for a good five years and wants to get out, but Cedric won't let her leave until she earns enough to pay him off." "Pay him off of what?" Delroy wondered aloud. "Cedric makes common folk like us think he's doin' us a favor by hiring us as his staff. But really, he claims we owe him big, and won't let us leave 'til we pay off that debt. Of course, we couldn't pay off the debt if we worked twice as many hours for half our lives, so he keeps us chained here," he explained.' (okay, a lot of telling and not showing, but love that we're bringing a little more awareness to the actual systemic reasons for keeping people rooted in their own poverty, intentionally done by nobility, as opposed to the BS I was spouting off in the last book. love Delroy interacting more casually with a member of the 'commonwealth')

Whoops! And now Delroy's down for the count (he passed tf out)

Classic case of 'character drifts in and out of consciousness due to illness'

HAH confirmation that Delroy's got the whitest, most sensitive tastebuds, Eleri (the maid) just gave him some soup and he nearly spat it out

'The woman carried herself as someone rich, though she was nothing but a simple maid.' pot, meet kettle! you're a butler with literacy and some fancy clothes, del

So much of this chapter was literally Delroy randomly getting sick and idr if this was a case of body breaking down from stress, entirely just for the vibes, or if somebody (Adriana) is cursing him from afar

"Of course, sir, I am willing to begin whenever," Delroy assured his new master, and the man gave him a, what appeared to be sly, grin.' truly zero attempts to pretend this man was any less awful than he actually is lol

Ending Thoughts:

Here we go! More progression in my skill! Definitely seeing improvement in the flow of this writing compared to 2013's, which was still pretty stilted and jammed with redundancies. I'm reading this significantly more smoothly than anything I've looked at so far, which is really promising!! While the areas of looking at poverty and the like definitely haven't quite reached a comfortable level, having other characters actually interacting with Delroy specifically regarding issues of class and seeing the divisions more up close really helps clear up which parts of the narrative are Delroy's takes and which are the 16-year-old writer's, which is a bit of a relief. Each chapter of this particular draft is vastly different in size, but most of them fall within the range of 6-7K, so I'll be trying to keep things from getting too expansive, but bear with me through this one lol after this, we won't find anything that competes in length until 2019 so we'll have some time

[ind1c0lite]

Assorted headcanons about Phoenix and the seven year gap because it lives rent free in my head and I must yell

-I made another post about it but Edgeworth was the first to hear about State v Enigmar and Maya was the first to see Phoenix in person after he's disbarred (and the first to meet Trucy)

-Originally Phoenix and Trucys situation was just him fostering her at first, not an immediate adoption of her, largely cause Phoenix was hoping for her sake that Zak would eventually come back to AT LEAST see her, but after like- year 2 of Zak being gone, it turned into an actual adoption of her and she legally became Trucy Wright (although she had started going by that name a few months beforehand)

-The first year for Phoenix was- Well Rough To Say The Least, he ended up getting into a l o t of fights with both Maya and Edgeworth and started really pushing them away (never in front of Trucy but she could tell something was going on) largely cause in his mindset at the time he didn't really think they understood what was going on (which he very much realized was VERY stupid considering who he was talking to) and eventually it ended in both Maya and Edgeworth staging something of an intervention and being like "hey man your being a huge dick to both of us we're trying to help you through this but also whats going on in that head", they ended up finally actually Talking and settled things for once, things got better after that! slowly yet surely

-After the bar association trial, Phoenix was the first to approach Kristoph for believing him, and that where their friendship started (Kristoph was going to just do regular ol stalking instead but decided that being "friends" with him would probably be easier here so he went with it)

- personally my least favourite interpretation of the 7yg is where Phoenix knows that kristoph was the one who framed him all along, like idk it's just not very interesting to me, it's kinda boring ghjkhlj I absolutely where people are coming from with it though but idk hgjkhl it's lame to me

- Even though Phoenix was no clue whether or not he's going to become a lawyer again and pretty much had adapted to his new life, he always has that little thought in his mind that if he becomes one again, everything in his life will get better instantly, he'll be useful again (spoiler alert, it doesn't immediately fix his life! he has Depression)

-Around year 2 was when Edgeworth started bringing over Phoenix and Trucy to Europe (in my mind he spends about half the year in Europe and Half in America), while he DID give the reason that he needed Phoenixs help with a case or two (and that wasn't an outright lie) largely he just wanted to spend time with the two of them and didn't know how else to express it, by year 5 Phoenix caught on to what he was doing and found it VERY funny, after that their trips were much less law focused

-Phoenix met Athena in Europe in Year 3 and kept in contact with her until she arrived in America, and oh BOY can she tell he is very upset

-Eventually he does go to therapy like- after DD, at the insistence of Athena and Trucy (it takes him a bit cause he's one stubborn man but he gets there eventually!)

-He started growing out his hair and realized that he did actually like this hair longer so he kept it!

-While he does not regret making Apollo use the forged ace in court, he does hope that one day they'll be able to mend things since he knows it hurt Apollo a lot, he cares about Apollo but is giving Apollo the space he needs to make that choice on his own, he's very proud of both him and Athena

-Trucy gave him her second earring so they could match! He nearly sobbed when she did that hgjkhl He did have to get his ears pierced to wear it but dw he was very brave about it

ok thats all I can remember rn enjoy HJGKH

[kuruk]

before I started wondering if my mom was bipolar we had watched a few shows together where characters had bipolar mothers and I was like for some reason the mothers in these shows remind me of my mom even though they're nothing like her at all.. of course on tv the bipolar moms are pretty extreme and outgoing but she's shy and reserved like me. but I guess their manic episodes reminded me of whenever my mom has a "moment" where she acts out of character and makes a major change while making a bunch of smaller changes and spending a lot of money and acting unpredictably and taking off without notice. but even then it was nothing like those characters it's just I was reminded of her for some vague feeling I couldn't place.

and I was right because she said they tried telling her she was bipolar when she got hospitalized after postpartum psychosis 21 years ago, and one of her worst episodes when she cheated for the first time was after 2 years of effexor. which is what my sister is on rn, and she had two months of prozac mania which turned into a lot of anxiety and dread and derealization, which makes me sad to see because I've never heard my sister so open about such feelings before. I didn't know she was depressed in the first place because she keeps that to herself but now she's always telling me how weird and sad and scared she feels and how much more sensitive ssris have made her. and now her psych finally stopped cycling her through antidepressants and put her on lamictal and gave her tips on how to not spend too much money. she's also quite shy and the psych didn't realize as soon as I did because she never tells all her important symptoms -_- but well I see how much it's affected my mom's life looking back it's obvious but none of us realized that. So I'm pretty worried about both my mom and my sister. my sister because she's only 21 and my mom because she's definitely having another thing rn and she's never gotten help for it outside of acute hospitalization and I worry about the decisions she makes when she's like this that she might regret

[annbourbon]

Tracking Drugs Inside the Cheritzverse (Soft Thread)

Unicorn drugs!!! Yeah~~ I'm not crazy.

⚠️ Spoilers Ahead ⚠️

Okay~ so for starters.

Canon (Things we know so far~)

♡ Eri's drugged by Tei during Nameless

♡ Because of a mistake I made once, I realized how close and how Tei and Teo are the only ones (that I know~) within the Cheritzverse with names that are like this. Like their names are only 3 words o.o and the only letter that changes it's the last one!?

♡ We know and it's almost confirmed but not explicitly showed~ that Teo ends up in Mint Eye and ends up helping Saeran (as Unknown/404) to drag us to Mint Eye, brainwash us and then send us to the RFA as spy. If you don't understand what I mean by this then you need to read this timeline

♡ Rika has sleep inducing drugs during Saeran's AE, to induce sleep into Seven. Apparently she has a thing for "natural" stuff now or something. Please can someone confirm? I dread Saeran's AE as it made me go into full depression mode so~ if I have to I will but rn I won't lol anyways~ it's heavily implied that it's some kind if tea/serum that they put into Seven bloodstream to keep him asleep.

♡ I completely forgot about the FUCKING unicorn as MC!!!

♡ Can we take these drugs Harry??

Harry:

omg~

(Harry going to a chinese store where it's a bit sketchy tbh~ but apparently they give him some weird things and the place has weird vibes and possible connections (although I didn't caught upon what exactly but I just got the feeling~)

♡ Let's not forget the creepy drink they have at Magenta. And the relation with 'Paradise' because if this is "unicorn drugs" then the only thing closer to that~ it's Paradise. No one actually is explaining how these things work but we know the drugs are so strong it causes a lot of symptoms... and I guess I'll have to track those. *sighs in I really have to go back to Another Story TT*

Not to mention V drugged the whole RFA *sighs* with an aromatic/gas version of this same drug: And yes; everyone including Jumin fell down asleep. But it's implied in some of the bad endings during Saeran's AE and through the whole Another Story that the very drug can kill you or leave you in a coma(?)

♡ There's a moment during MM in Another Story, where Yoosung says to have some kind of tea that helps him to relax.

♡ Tei's tea it's called ZZZ (keyword: herbal tea)

♡ During Henri's route you can see K~ a character who apparently is doing bad things such as planting some kind of drug in Jumin's island. Two people are missing and June is in a critical situation. (image for reference soon)

♡ Henri says that the drug has been already approved in many countries but nit in S.Korea.

⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆

* This is gonna get creepier from now on because I'm gonna talk about how the unicorn it's always on the treadmill being exploited and its role on emotions/planets~~ but that's for another post. I made this one only to be able to track down this cause, call me weird, I know they're playing a big role here♡

** For those who want to see the Cheritzverse Master List, you only need to click on the top title and it'll lead you back to that. I'm implementing this on almost every post I'm creating from now on ~

[galedekkarios]

mx galedekkarios dot tumblr dot com may i please have some gale and/or bloodweave hcs from your big beautiful mind 👉👈 (or honestly just any longform post of bg thoughts at all bc ur tags keep inflicting me w gory stickmen disease and wanting to read more ;;)

oh anon whadda hell.. u flatter me. 🫶 i unplugged my brain real quick and gave it a shake and this is all what fell out (some are mature):

in a modern au, gale's second favorite cuisine (after greek ofc) is east asian! he loves to both eat it and cook it from scratch. chinese, korean, japanese, etc. he's even good at other asian cuisines like thai and vietnamese. he's gotten very familiar with a lot of recipes and actively tries to learn more. when he doesn't feel like cooking that night, he opts for takeout. he's been a loyal customer of a handful of restaurants for so long that they already know his tastes too.

the only reason why gale's students don't try to flirt with him is because he's too much of a "my wife" guy. he's always wearing his ring, always talking about his partner, and has portraits of them in his office and everything. there's just no way you don't know that he's happily taken. you could be talking about the most random thing ever and he'd be like "omg! this reminds me of how my partner blahblahblah—" and everyone else is just like 😐 because he's already told this story five times before. not even tara is safe from this (and she was probably present for whatever story it is this time, too!). [this is assuming his students are older / uni prof]

i think gale would be the type of person to have a very Intense gaze without meaning to. the kind where you can feel it whenever he's looking at you. or when he's gazing at you lovingly, or even just looking you in the eye as you speak, it's almost too much. it's just so earnest, so sincere, so... intent on witnessing you and really paying attention, that it's like. whoa man. whoaaaaaaa now let's fucking chill before i blink and realize i've fallen in love with you alright 😳 (and, of course, this Greatly unsettles astarion in the beginning bc he's someone that can't afford to be seen.)

i know in my heart that mr "mine was a popular hand at the annual blackstaff's ball" + bagged a goddess + with the way i talk you can't be surprised i'm a generous munch + wyll, is it true that ppl think wizards don't fuck? :( bc i assure you we absolutely do!!!!! + mystra had pleasure domes dekarios was a hot girl once and his pussy still does pop severely. he's just in his depression era rn 💔

wyll calls gale elegant, minthara calls him dashing, shadowheart says he smells like a wealthy dowager, lae'zel assumes correctly that he had many tutors in his youth, and gale frequenting the temple of beauty in waterdeep all make me feel like gale x astarion are very the lady and the tramp coded. after they get married, they're old money x new money.

gale is always eager to teach astarion new spells, but astarion only gets excited about the ones that either help him be a better scoundrel and/or that spice up their sex life. which like. is still a win for them both either way

um. throat goat. that's it that's the headcanon sorry except it's also not really a hc bc he alludes to this but it's important to me tht we repeat it. but also maybe it shocks astarion the first time he's on the receiving end of it like boy WHAT!!!! you didn't tell me you was a freak like that!!! literally that damn shawty ok meme. gale gives him such wet sloppy glizzy gluck that it makes astarion feel like he has to wipe his ass afterward smh

neither of them want to get anywhere near bugs, but in any au gale would be the type to take it outside and astarion would just kill it using one of gale's 39304308309 books laying around

gale struggles to catch sarcasm and astarion loves to rile him up and take the piss out of him for it. lovingly ofc. whenever gale does understand astarion's sarcastic comments, he feels very proud of himself.

astarion sometimes drops things on purpose just to watch gale bend over. sorry (i'm the one that's sorry, not him btw)

[spectral-idiot]

Noelle's lore! IM SO HAPPY RN

Hi! Its me! Again! Encouraged this time! YIPPIE!

You surprised me! I thougth the whole thing flopped but then some people gave tons of love

Im excited and looking foward to write about her and an idea I have when I finish my current work so you lnow her !

( Previous work is taking a ton but rewarding 2 tons, and when it comes out I'll be so happpy and you'll be as well. August 14.)

But for now, take her story, im not the most original but I dont care im glad whit the result. (Please help me whit her team this is a cry 4 help)

I hope you like it!

So, lets start!

She grew up half of her life in luminalia, between their competitive spirit and beautifull ligths, fashion, performances and beautifull culture. She is a huge performances fan, her favoutite performer is serena

She didn't have that much friends there, but her parent's friends, the lumiose tower caretakers and Luminalia gym leaders, had a son almost at the same time, her only deep friend, Clemont

Whit the news of all the zygarde aproaching catasthrophe, she and her family ran away, letting him behind. And moves to paldea in the age of twelve, starting her life in Uva academy

She's so smart academically (She passes test almost whitout studing, is a weird thing about ADHD) but is shy at first cause adaptation to a new place is hatd. Nemona sees that and starts to get close to her, talk her and befriend her

The Scarvio story happens normally, she becomes Nemona's rival and best friend and Arven's little found sister. Nemona thaugth her to battle, her second dream, and that training turns her into the Paldea champion, and happens to also befriend team star on the way!

But, in the middle of her road to vecome a champion, 2nd or 3rd gym, and whit half of the team star defeated, she got called to go to a road trip to….. Guess….kitakami!

And there Noelle meets their folktales and the Kitakami culture. But she didn't expect to also know the Kitakami siblings, lets just say Carmine doesnt liker first, and if it wasnt for kiki and the Ogerpon mask quest, neither at last

(So much sunshine she thinks Noelle is fake, she is just so happy for knowing a new place and has too much energy. But she wins her heart whit an "OMG you and your morpeko are so beautiful you would win a performamce contest whit no effort" )

And the twist is, since she has experiences whit a boy like Kieran (Clemont was similar in persnoality) is so much easier to her to bond whit him, like, too deeply. Two weeks or field trip were enough for her to becole this lonely boy's ligthhouse

(I couldnt draw their mask but she would wear Monkidori, also notice how she uses laces instead of decorated haur ties when serious time. I wanted to go opposite whit Juliana in jinbei who changes her hairdo to wear it up, Noelle changes from up to down)

Also.. they like each other a little

But then things go downhill, she and Carmine meet Ogerpon whitout Kieran and happen to know the true story before him. The betrayal happens, she didn't realize she was doing it, she thougt it was for the best since Clemomt got depressed for like a year when he was revealed he had to be the next gym leader

Well, the higher you fly, the harder you hir the floor. She had to lefr whitout oportinity of making things up,

Kieran fell even harder than in indigo disk, half of the canon time is what he needed to become chanpion, Elaine also became champion in paldea and finished defeating team star and also the collosal pokemon whit arven.

When she heard of the oportunity of going a semester to Blue berry academy a year later, she didn't hesitate, when she saw what she caused it hurted her to no end, she fell into Drayton schemes whitout second thougt because she wanted fix her damage so hard

She couldnt believe what she've done

(You even can see the worried and serious gaze, and how she crosses her fingers and stops wearing that much accesories on her hair. She didnt want to be that strong if that meant hurting others.)

She didnt want to hurt him, amd now he is actually strong and almost unstopable, she wasnt strong she was lucky, and she begs that luck stays by her side now

She didn't actually want to defeat Kieran, Drayton convinced her that hiting the floor will make his wall fall, and will make him stop pushing people away.

A week later, they and carmine were suddenly called to an expedition to area zero, and their lifes beinf in danger were the catharsis they needed to ler everything out, they both confess their sttuggles and do the proper apologize. Time and healing are needed but they are going by good path!

That's all cuties, bye!

[bigsoftmarshmallow]

Okay. This is less of an Equal Lady thing & more of a thought experiment. Imagine, if you will, that there is a half-fae Darling (personally, I like the idea of a Link's monozygotic twin sister or older sister depending on the Dorf). Like, not specifically fairy the way Rulie is, but any of a wide variety of supernatural denizens of the Fae Realm.

Anyway, if you know anything about fae lore, it's actually really bad to give one your full, actual name. (At the same time, fae hate lies, so it's best to go with a nickname instead.) Because, if you do give them your full name… It gives them power over you.

And if you eat or drink fae food made by fae, then… Well… They own you. You belong to that fae & they command you. And, it’s somewhat vague about what things are considered, “fae food.”

So, I'm just imagining 2 different scenarios. Either Dorf eats a specifically fae dish made by Darling without either of them realizing or during one of the Dorfs’ villain monologues just sort of looking at him like he's insane in the membrane (because he just gave not just his full real name, but his title & even the name of his birth mother & her title, possibly even his adoptive mothers & their titles; which, the more a fae knows about you, the more power they have over you).

After which, she opens her mouth & recites his full name, then commands him to fall asleep… And he just collapses right there. Only to wake up in a cell, chained to the wall.

His Triforce piece is absent, his magic not responding to his command.

Powerless… with a new mistress who he cannot disobey no matter what… He cannot attack her. And if she so commands it, he can't even act out against her regardless of how.

On a scale of 1 to shitting his sirwal, how badly are they taking it?

Especially when they learn why & just how badly they fucked themselves over? And do any of the Dorfs suddenly discover themselves to be switches at the thought of a woman holding so much power over him?

Because the truest Social Darwinist is one who recognizes when they're beat & submits to who, by their own philosophy, has proven themselves their better.

I dunno, I guess that, at least in the case of TP, I can see him being the only real & true Social Darwinist out of all the Dorfs for this reason. Like, none of the others believe it fully, not even TotK Dorf, really.

At the same time, he's stubborn & would need to be beaten in ever conceivable way before such would occur.

Regardless, though, I get the feeling that they'd all experience psychosexualism. Ebheroticism.

Finally, what are your thoughts on such a possibility?

I'm going to fully admit that my brain has been not working the last couple days (its been longer, but it's kinda swizz cheese rn. I loved having this thought process to think on, but my hands are not wanting to work with my brain to actually formulate what I'm thinking. ADHD and Depression are powerful foes when working together.

I didn't want you to think that I was ignoring this, however! I did want to see what another thought process was, so I do want to share the ChatGPT portion for now, then repost with my ideas later when the brain functions. I appreciate your asks, and please do not be afraid to send them when you have more! <3

ChatGPT Says:

Wind Waker Ganondorf

Initial Reaction: Wind Waker Ganondorf would initially be in shock and disbelief. His arrogance and confidence in his own power would make it difficult for him to accept that he has been bested so thoroughly by someone he underestimated.

Feelings:

Shock and Anger: He would feel a mixture of rage and disbelief at having been tricked and rendered powerless.

Resentment: He would harbor deep resentment towards Darling for exploiting such a weakness.

Response:

Resistance: Initially, he would resist with all his might, trying to find any loophole or weakness in the fae’s control over him.

Cunning: He would try to outwit Darling, looking for opportunities to regain his power or manipulate her into releasing him.

Acceptance:

Reluctant Acceptance: Over time, if he finds no way out, he might grudgingly accept his position, but he would never fully submit without an ongoing internal struggle.

Ocarina of Time Ganondorf

Initial Reaction: Ocarina of Time Ganondorf would be furious. His pride would be severely wounded, and he would struggle with the realization that he has been so thoroughly outmaneuvered.

Feelings:

Humiliation: He would feel deeply humiliated at being overpowered and controlled.

Hatred: He would develop an intense hatred towards Darling.

Response:

Revenge: He would constantly plot revenge, even while powerless. His mind would be consumed with thoughts of retribution.

Defiance: He would remain defiant and refuse to cooperate, making it clear that he is not broken.

Acceptance:

Unyielding Resistance: He would never truly accept his situation. Instead, he would bide his time, waiting for the perfect moment to strike back.

Twilight Princess Ganondorf

Initial Reaction: Twilight Princess Ganondorf would experience a profound sense of disbelief. His entire identity is built around his strength and dominance, and being rendered powerless would be a crushing blow.

Feelings:

Despair and Rage: He would oscillate between despair at his powerlessness and rage at being tricked.

Curiosity and Respect: Despite his rage, he might develop a grudging respect for Darling’s cunning.

Response:

Introspection: He would spend time reflecting on his failures and trying to understand his opponent better.

Manipulation: He would attempt to manipulate Darling emotionally or psychologically to gain some leverage.

Acceptance:

Potential Submission: If he recognizes Darling as a truly superior being by his own Social Darwinist philosophy, he might begrudgingly submit, but this would take a long time and complete domination on her part.

Hyrule Warriors Ganondorf

Initial Reaction: Hyrule Warriors Ganondorf would react with immediate and violent anger. His sense of invincibility would be shattered, leading to an explosive response.

Feelings:

Frustration: He would be incredibly frustrated at being outsmarted and overpowered.

Determination: His determination to break free and reclaim his power would be overwhelming.

Response:

Aggression: He would use every ounce of his strength to break free, regardless of the consequences.

Strategizing: When aggression fails, he would start strategizing, using his tactical mind to find weaknesses in Darling’s control.

Acceptance:

Temporary Compliance: He might temporarily comply if it serves a strategic purpose, but he would never truly accept subservience.

Overall

All versions of Ganondorf would struggle immensely with being overpowered and controlled. Their reactions would range from outright aggression to cunning manipulation. The realization of their powerlessness would be a significant blow to their pride, but their responses would vary:

Wind Waker: Shock and cunning resistance.

Ocarina of Time: Humiliation and plotting revenge.

Twilight Princess: Deep introspection and potential eventual submission.

Hyrule Warriors: Immediate aggression followed by strategic plotting.

The idea of a woman holding power over them would be difficult for them to accept, but it could potentially lead to an evolution in their thinking, especially for Twilight Princess Ganondorf, who might come to respect and even submit to such power if it is proven to be superior.

[strongheartneteyam]

Realize where you belong.

Pairing: neteyam sully x female!human!reader/female!dreamwalker!reader

Chapter 7

CW: a good amount of angst, reader finally is letting neteyam in and realizing how she does truly love him too, physical contact, neteyam suffering while holding back from mating w/ reader, mentions of sex, yearning, sexual language, reader and neteyam acting like a cute couple, playful flirting, reader is more vulnerable with neteyam, a lot of fluff, reader feels guilty about the way she's been treating neteyam. Tell me if I'm missing something important!

Sorry for taking long to update, my angels 🥺🤍 unfortunately I'm going through a tough path in my personal life rn and bc of that I fell on a horrible depressive episode that I'm still on. So, my motivation to do stuff is very low at the moment and as I have to deal with my adult responsibilities that I can't run from bc nobody can, rn the best I'm able to do is focus the tiny bit of energy I have onto getting them done. I won't be able to update my fanfics as fast as I used to for some time. Can't say how long, it's not under my control currently, sorry :( But I LOVE writing, it's a great escape for me, from life problems and stuff, so, I really do not plan on stop writing fanfiction. I promise! Don't worry too much. Some of the upcoming chapters of this fanfiction, for example, are already saved on my Google Docs. I'll take longer but I won't stop updating. Anyway, I'm a tiny bit (ok maybe much more than that lol) insecure about this chapter but I hope y'all like it. Seeing your comments about the fic would make me incredibly happy. I'm needing some serotonin right now 🥲 Thanks for reading my writings ♡

Not proofread. Sorry if some parts are a bit messed up. I'll proofread it as soon as I can <3

Chapter 6

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

You gave me roses and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowin' my pride

Standin' in front of you sayin' I'm sorry for that night

(...)

It turns out freedom ain't nothin' but missin' you

Back to December (Taylor Swift)

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

You inclined yourself slowly and sheepishly in Neteyam's direction, still feeling guilty for the way you had been treating him before. Neteyam sensed your self doubt and quickly swept you off your feet, taking you inside his arms, so he could finally get the hug he had been dying for, so he could finally feel your small body against his bigger one. His big hands were now under your thighs, securing you in place against his warm body. That closeness, his touch… it all felt incredibly good. You cursed yourself for pushing him away and postponing that moment. To think you could have felt that before and you didn't… "Stupid girl" you thought.

You were now really far from the ground but you felt safe. Now you knew Neteyam would always protect you. He would not let you fall and get hurt. He was not and had never been a threat to you. There was not and there never was any reason for you to be afraid of him.

"Oeyä yawne…" (my beloved) "You feel so soft and tiny… Eywa… Nga yawne lu oer" (I love you) His voice was choked with emotion as he held back tears of joy while he hugged you as tight as he was able to - without hurting you - and you rested your head upon his shoulder. Your nose was hovering over his neck and you sniffed his skin, smelling his natural, cozy scent. It was intoxicating, drawing you in, making you wanna stay like that forever. 

You breathed in deep and relaxed inside his huge arms that held you for the first time but still strangely felt like home, like you had felt them around you a thousand times already. If you believed in past lives - which you didn't - you'd explain this odd but amazing feeling as you having found your soulmate again, in this current life. There was no fear of Neteyam inside of you anymore. You only yearned for more and more of him, only a burning affection kept your whole being warm, just like his massive body did too.

"There's still something I need to ask of you, if this is gonna work out between us." You said, breaking the hug for a while to look him in the eye

"Say it, yawne."

Neteyam was still so utterly happy that he did not even seem to be shaken by that, which he could have been

"You know why I pushed you away. First of all, finding out an alien double your size has been stalking you is freaking unnerving." You still gazed into his eyes, wanting him to pay attention to your words "Second, you acted like a creep. At least compared to the way human guys act around girls they're interested in. I don't really have any experience dating na'vi boys, you know?" You choked a little as you were trying hard to hold back laughter

"Ouch…" Neteyam playfully pretended to be extremely hurt by your previous statements. He chuckled "In my defense, I'd say my instincts are to blame, not me, exactly." You gave him a death stare, but in a playful manner too "When I saw you, I knew you would be the perfect mate for me and I had to make you mine. Everything about you rubbed me just the right way."

You smiled. He was being silly and so sweet. You just could not resist it.

"By the way, when did you see me for the first time?" 

Neteyam seemed to get shy after that question. You wondered why.

"I fell in love with you while you were in your Avatar body, yawntu. That's when I first saw you." Neteyam looked up at you again, smiling but showing no teeth

"You what?" You questioned him, a bit shocked but you could not bring yourself to be mad at him, though. Imagining him hiding behind trees and up in branches to watch you silently seemed adorable in your eyes, now. 

And yes, you knew it sounded crazy, to find someone who used to literally stalk you adorable, but nobody said that anything that was happening to you right now made any sense. Not even you would try to.

"How did I never notice you were around?" You shook your head in disapproval of your distraction back in the forest.

What if it had been a na'vi who did not trust you a single bit to even let you Dreamwalk freely, without grabbing you by the arm and taking you to the Olo'eyktan and the Tsahìk? Some na'vi hated humans to that point. And, as you always said and always would say, you had a great empathy towards them and could imagine yourself feeling the same way if you were na'vi. You could never bring yourself to judge them as harshly as way too many humans did. You knew they were not the villains of the story. But still, what if that na'vi tried to hurt you? You felt tense at the thought.

Neteyam noticed your uneasiness and tried to calm you.

"Don't worry, yawne. I'm a great warrior. A big part of being a good warrior is being really focused on one's mission and knowing how to get by as unnoticed as possible. So many other humans in their Avatars and even many, many na'vi wouldn't notice me, either."

Neteyam still wanted to call those other humans "demons in false bodies" but he was not going to. He knew it would hurt you and make you feel like he was talking about you too. But he was not. Whenever he had called you "demon", it never meant the same thing as it would mean if he was talking about any other human. But he knew it would be hard for you to understand. So he promised himself that he would never call you "demon" again. After that eclipse night when the both of you were talking in front of your bedroom window, he realized how much it hurt you when he called you that. He hated himself for bringing you pain. And his heart hurt so badly when he thought about the possibility of you pushing him away again. It made him want to hold onto your small, frail body tightly and say "Please, don't leave me! I can't be without you again… Please…"

"If you say so… I still think I should've been more careful, though." You say, still feeling a little nervous and thinking that maybe you had not been the best student when attending to your classes about na'vi behavior and that maybe you didn't pay enough attention to warnings they may have given about being mindful of your surroundings when Dreamwalking 

"I promise it's okay. It was not your fault, yawntu. I'm just good at what I do." His smile clearly showed he was proud of being a good warrior

"Ok, then." You smiled back at him and the both of you laughed a bit.

Suddenly, he stopped smiling and his gaze dropped to your lips, that were not that far from his own lips, if it wasn't for that damn oxygen mask. You felt like he wanted to kiss you. The moment was awkward but in a good way. He could not kiss you with the mask on, so, instead, he smiled at you once again and looked down at the floor, bashful.

You touched his huge, gorgeous face and he looked up at you again "So, about what we were talking about before… Just try to be a little less… upfront about what you feel for me. I mean… sexually. I love that you want me this much because I want you too, Neteyam. A lot, actually. You're… really freaking hot." He smiled, blissful, and his cat-like eyes sparkled as he heard that, his ears perking up. "But you're a bit too much, at times. If you could just tone it down a bit…" Neteyam looked a little ashamed and insecure, so, you rubbed your thumb on his soft skin, to reassure him you still longed for him too "At least while I get used to your na'vi nature, it would be great. Please, try to understand me… It's a whole new world I'm just now discovering. But it doesn't mean I don't love you and don't want you and it doesn't mean you should feel insecure." You smiled gently, showing no teeth. 

Neteyam looked a bit sad again after you finished your sentence and you totally understood why. In his na'vi mind, you were practically rejecting him. That was who he truly was, animalistic and a bit too much to your human standards. He must feel like who he is was not enough or good in your eyes.

"Hey" You cupped his face again "I wanna do something. Just let me take this mask off, first." You wanted to reassure Neteyam of your feelings for him by giving him a kiss.

"Yawne, no! You can't breathe without it. You could die really fast! I'm not gonna let you do it."

"So you don't want a kiss, Neteyam Suli? I thought you'd want it, judging by the way you have been stalking me and by our interaction that night, outside my bedroom's window." You teased him and his face lit up

Neteyam gave you an excited smile. The way his full lips curled up as he quickly pondered about the pros and cons of your offer was so beautiful, almost hypnotizing.

God, you really were in love with that na'vi boy, weren't you? There's no going back now. He's holding your heart in his big, weird but cute, alien hands.

"I guess if we make it quick-"

"Shut up, Neteyam." You interrupted, chuckling playfully "I know you're dying to feel my lips on yours. Just help me take this mask off already." It was a bit hard for you to take the mask off while holding onto his shoulders. You knew he would not let you fall but still you wanted to still feel a bit of control and keep holding onto him too.

Neteyam got surprised by your boldness, since he did not see it coming, and he could only think about how freaking amazing it would feel to finally taste your lips, so, he did as you asked - leaving the mask hanging on your neck by the strap it had - and you rapidly held his big pretty, blue face, brought your lips to his and placed the most tender of kisses there, pressing your mouth against his mouth softly but with so much care, trying to let him feel how much you desired him too. His lips were velvety, warm and so incredibly good to kiss. God, you did not care that you were risking dying from lack of oxygen. You wanted that alien boy so badly.

Neteyam's still tense demeanor soon turned into a calmer one as he kissed you back. His hold on you got tighter as he felt your sweet soft lips on his. He felt so incredibly hungry for you. How could he not be? Your kiss was the most delicious thing he had ever felt in his whole life. You both shared saliva and wet each other's lips with each time your lips parted only slightly and came together again. Your soft skin made him want to squeeze you and never let you go again. Neteyam wanted to cuddle with you, wanted to wrap his tail around your small body in a possessive way to let you know you're his and that he would take care of you, hunt food to feed you and protect you from anything that could ever hurt you.

It was getting harder and harder for him not to lay you on the ground and press his body against your tiny one and make love to you right there but he knew that, thinking rationally, that was not a good idea at all, as the both of you were just outside a laboratory full of humans and you two could easily get caught and be in danger.

Even though Neteyam craved your body insanely, now even more than before, as he was finally feeling you close and tasting your lips, he was trying to take it as slow and gentle as he could because he wanted to respect your limits instead of scaring you away again. He understood you were human and your race acted in a very different way when it came to relationships. He still thought it to be a dumb way to lead things but it was you who was asking him to act differently and he loved you with his whole being. He could not bring himself to say "no" to that request. He knew it would be temporary and you soon would give into the na'vi that lives inside of you when it came to mating too. For you, Neteyam could wait. He knew things would soon change for the better. You were now in his arms, as the two of you kissed. You were no longer afraid of him. That was everything he needed at that moment. Things were already so much better.

Neteyam noticed you were having more and more trouble breathing, so he got worried and quickly put your oxygen mask back on.

You gasped for air and breathed in so much oxygen once you had your mask on that it might have been funny to watch, though Neteyam did not laugh. On the contrary, he seemed way too serious, way too worried about your safety. You wanted him to relax a bit.

"See how much I love you? I risked dying just to give you a kiss." You tried to speak normally but what came out of your mouth was a hoarse whisper instead, as your lungs were still in need of more air. A weak smile was adorning your lips as you struggled but still managed to let out a frail chuckle

"Don't say that, oeyä tawtute, please." Neteyam told you, trying to stay serious but still letting out a chuckle as well

"See the sacrifices I make for you, Neteyam?" You tried to seem mad at him at the beginning, only to start laughing shortly after, now that you finally had enough oxygen in your system to be able to let out an actual laugh, even if it still sounded weaker than your laughing would sound in another situation

He smiled big and teased you "Skxawng." (moron)

"But you love me." You closed your eyes while smiling, full of yourself

"I do." You opened your eyes to look at his face "More than you think, yawntu."

Your heartbeat accelerated intensely and you blushed. Neteyam found your blushed cheeks adorable. He looked at you so intensely, like he was holding the most precious thing in the world in his arms.

Neteyam knew he had just fallen even harder for you now that you both had kissed. He could not wait until he could be alone with you in a safe place and get to explore your body with his hands and kiss you all over. He almost got hard just thinking about that but he tried his hardest to whoosh that away. Neteyam was scared that feeling his bulge would be too much for you at that moment, specially since he knew he was much bigger than the human males you were used to. You might feel uncomfortable because of that difference and the sudden intimate feeling of his hard big cock against you and want to get out of his arms. Neteyam did not want that to happen. He needed you there a bit more, he was not ready to let you stand on your feet yet. And he was so afraid of you not wanting him close anymore, he was so afraid of perhaps ruining what you both had now. It was far too special for him. He could not let his sexual instincts ruin that. The time would come when you would let him in completely, when you would grant him permission to be inside of you and show you how much he craved your pussy, how much you messed with his head and awakened his most intense desires. Until then, he would wait and take baby steps. For you, he was capable of waiting for ages, though he hoped so strongly it would not take long.

༊⁀➷

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[queerasflux]

So I've been struggling real bad with working through some old childhood trauma, and my therapist asked me to sit down and write down everything my mother did to me that was just like, Objectively Not Okay- and jesus christ. I always just sort of assumed that like, yeah, my mom wasn't the most perfect mom, but she was doing her best and meant well.

then I just... couldn't stop writing. and the more I wrote, the more I realized that hey, this was straight up abusive. not just "made a few mistakes but generally well-meaning as a parent" but like honest to god "what the fuck is wrong with you and why would you do that to a child" shit, and I'm just so angry and I don't know where to put it.

I'm tired of people telling me that I must forgive/give my mother some slack, because she's my mom and she was also traumatized and "did her best"- as if being traumatized is a free pass to abuse others, or that it somehow negates the emotional and mental toll it took on me to be raised by someone like her.

I'm angry that I can't even confront her about these things, because she will immediately either get defensive/aggressive at me, or will invalidate it (it wasn't that bad/wasn't as bad as what her mom did/she didn't mean it that way), or hop up on the pity potty and want to be comforted that yeah, even though she severely abused her child, she's not a bad mom, right?

Really just struggling with things rn. List under cut, because I think other people should also be aware this shit is Not Okay, and because I'm tired of covering up for my mother's bad behavior, and not being allowed to talk about it or how it hurt me because of how it may reflect on her.

A (very) abridged and generalized list of shit my mom has done that was straight up fucked up and abusive and Not Okay that I was convinced was "not that bad" for literal decades.

Beat the shit out of her autistic kid having meltdowns, joked years later about "beating the autism" out of me, never got me tested for autism/ADHD/any other neurodivergency, I had to get diagnosed myself at 28

stayed married to a man that was not only physically abusive, but who she (rightfully!) suspected of being a pedophile

constantly ripped her children from places once they'd established friendships/finally settled in at school with no warning, apology, support system, or any way to contact old friends

when her child who is very smart starts struggling very badly in school (for above reasons and also because she was drinking heavily and was too busy partying to help her kid), decides the best option is not to get the kid tested/help in school, but to simply scream at them that they're just like their abusive father

medically neglects her children- one of whom didn't get glasses until they were 13 and had a note sent home from school. same kid becomes partially deaf in ear later due to medical neglect, and eventually ends up with several disabilities as an adult from things that could have been prevented or mitigated from childhood

repeatedly put children in the path of her own abusive mother, who she knew and described as abusive, and who she knew (commented on and joked about!) was targeting one of her children specifically

when I get depressed over that, and come to her asking for help because I'm suicidal, she proceeds to mock me for (actual quote) "needing [my] mommyyyyyyy", does not get me into therapy

despite never getting her children treatment for their own mental illness or being someone they could confide in, perfectly able and willing to use her children as free therapists, from as young as 6 years old.

constant breaches of trust/privacy- instead of simply talking to children or listening to them when they have a problem, she decided to simply read journals, chats/emails, anything private, then becomes angry when confronted.

The first two times I came out to her, she just ignored it because she didn't want to have to deal with it and thought I would just drop it

The third and final time I came out, she said I was mutilating my body, that my fiance would stop loving me and no one else would ever want me, and that I was holding her hostage/betraying her.

again, the most generalized/abridged version of what she's done, and seeing it all down just... disgusts and enrages me. this is not okay behavior. this is child abuse, emotional abuse, just sickening behavior in general, and this whole time I've been making excuses. Because I was taught/told that I "had to understand" because she had been traumatized, so that somehow made my own trauma acceptable? Because she wasn't as bad as her mother, I was expected to praise her and never hold her accountable for her behaviors and actions. I am expected to give her kudos and a gold medal for meeting the bare minimum of food/shelter, as if that's not the absolute bare minimum that doesn't get your kids taken away, and that animals in the animal kingdom do without any sort of celebration every day. a leopard doesn't get a mother's day card for feeding her cubs, she has to do that or they fucking die.

I'm just angry, and I need to get it out somewhere. I am sure this will be eventually seen/found by my sister, and like, sorry buddy but I can't be quiet any more, and I'm not making excuses for her any more. She was abusive. Is abusive. And I don't have to put up with it any more.

[pinyeti]

dear tumblr

today I start my first day of junior year of college pt2

not really an insane first but it feels pretty important for some reason let me give you a rundown

I have an art thing due today so I spent all of last night on that THEN AT 4AM I SAW A MUKBANG ON NOODLES and don't ever do this I feel sick I ate noodles very early and I put frozen corn in it except it was very last minute so I doubt it had time to cook properly which is probably why I feel this sick anyway then I DONT FINISH MY ART THING cuz I've never worked with neutral tones before and have no idea how to design it for a wall in 3 hours so I just.... watch Carol and the end of the world for a bit and slowly fall asleep at 4.30am

I have a 9.30 TODAY [CURRENTLY WRITING THIS IN MY TAXI ITS 9:14] SO OBVIOUSLY I wake up at 8:30 unprovoked thank god I had the forethought of having my shirt ironed cuz clothing decisions would have killed me, I contemplate making breakfast for my family [my moms not in the country rn] BUT I REALIZE THE MEALS IVE PREPPED FOR THE WHOLE DAY HAVE BEEN EATEN BY PIG BROTHER so I decide im gonna order them something at lunch time then (ok tmi [actually what part of this ISNT tmi]) I try shaving my girl stache cuz I've had issues in the past but MY STUPIF PINK GIRL RAZOR WONT WORK I DOUBT I CAN DO ANYTHING WITU IT AND ITS SO OVERPRICED FOR NO REASON so I pull out my dads razor (A NEW ONE DW) AND IT WORKS WONDERS WTF AND IM WILLING TO BET MY NEW SQUEAKY CLEAN BABY FACE ON IT BEINF LESS EXPENSIVE anyway then I go keep all my dishes in the kitchen cuz I have a billion in my room you'd think my depressive episodes give birth to them but really it's just me always (woah my taxi guy just dodged a food biker and I felt it in my bones) I steal my little sisters makeup cuz her makeup is pretty cute she's pretty cute i wish I started makeup when I was younger so I'd be a pro now but no I had to be not like other girls UGH. THEn I take my club banner im president just president things and run to a taxi and start updating everyone on tumblr and it kills time till my first class of the day isa301 introduction to database management systems surprise I do information systems and business analytics and I have no idea why

I think some of it is me being extremely insecure about my skills, I love art but a career in it? after seeing my dad struggle following his dreams? yeah no I'd take a cushy job and financial freedom any day

the world wants dreamers to dream when everythings working against them you're sick for that world I hate you but I adore my dad for being a dreamer and I think he's the coolest and he's so supportive my moms so supportive too ofc there are the absolute horrible moments but today I feel like seeing tje world in a good light (I'm expecting pictures of the messy room I left behin)

whys it taking me this long to get to class it's 9.27 and I have the banner to keep in my office so I need to do it quick hmmmm should I be late to nash's class or walk in with a banner snd a sob story I really need this professor to be on my team cuz he grades you based on how much he likes you seriously I didn't realise people like this actually existed okag I might have time to quickly go place the banner it's 9.28 I'm so dumb I didn't check where my class is

[andromeda3116]

in other, more minor and inconsequential yet somehow important to me on a distant level, news, i am officially diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder rather than major depression or (as it was "officially" since my last psychiatrist, for some reason) "mood disorder, nos".

it's like. it both does and doesn't matter?

it matters to the twenty-year-old still hiding within me, that it's got a name and that name is more than just "depression" but it also doesn't matter to the nearly-thirty-two-year-old who doesn't need labels as desperately as she used to.

i've had several head doctors, now, waffle about whether i was just depressed or actually bipolar, because the depression is so much more pronounced for me, and it's legitimately incredibly difficult for anyone to tell the difference between a hypomania and just like. being in a good place rn.

but this psychiatrist has officially called it bipolar 2, and like. i have always suspected that. i felt like i didn't have the authority to call it that, but it's always felt like...

i could tell the difference. for me. not at the time -- at the time, you're feeling great, things are wonderful, they're looking up, it's all better now --

but in retrospect. it's not when i'm feeling good, it's when i'm feeling cured. it's when i'm thinking, it's over now.

it's a really shitty feeling, the moment when you realize that that lightness and that joy and that hope -- it was just another symptom.

(that's one of the reasons why carrie fisher meant so much to me. she spoke so candidly about bipolar disorder, about how it worked and what it meant, and that gave me so much hope that things could get better for me.

i still tear up when i think of what we've lost, in losing her.)

idk, it matters and it doesn't matter. i care and i don't care. it's just a little surreal, to finally see the diagnosis and know. yeah. i was right. all those years ago, when the therapist was condescendingly saying i don't think you're bipolar, and the psychiatrist was hedging his bets, and the other therapist was noncommittal, and the other psychiatrist said you're obviously extremely depressed --

i was right.

[solarpunk-lady-of-the-woods]

Wow okay, I've started thinking about the forever alone period of my life a lot again these past few days, after accidentally scrolling down too low in my photos and realising that all the silly faces I was making in every single photo, because back then I wouldn't take normal photos of myself, looked like they were so bad at hiding the dread in my soul. Even though back then I was super aware of mental health and everything, except the fact that I was probably depressed. And I recently thought of posting about it, but got carried away wondering whether that requires a tw...

So maybe for now I'll just say (because idk what's the chance somebody will ever read this, but this just feels like the place), I was always the extremely weird kid, I got kicked out of kindergarten in like half a year for acting like... Yk that scene in Lilo and Stitch where some girl says 'you're crazy' and gets beat up? Yeah, but I, unluckily, was weirdly talented at fighting. Also saw no difference between kids and teachers... Yeah like I bit the principal in 3rd grade, not even half a year in that school... But from what I remember, he did grab me really not nicely and I was just trying to escape. Also 7 years old, cuz I started school early and skipped 2nd grade due to being 'gifted'. Then stayed in 5th a second year because I thought I couldn't make friends because everybody was so much older. Regrettable. I still didn't speak to any classmates. Well, after I did make one (probably neurodivergent) friend, who betrayed me. Twice, because maybe I forgive too easily.

Then got a phone, but only ever used YouTube and flash games, until almost 3 years ago, when I really liked a series on YouTube and the creator started a discord server for fans to discuss lore. Well, I joined years after the creation, and spent quite long observing how people there interact, yk how AIs learn by pure pattern recognition? So I learned to act like a chaotic gay gremlin there, before first interacting. But I was also being so myself, so true to myself!!!!!! Which was, as I realize now, exaggerating my personality traits to make myself as funny and 'polarising' as possible, essentially turning me into a caricature of myself. But the rest of the issues I was fully aware of. I lived years knowing I really just needed a hug from somebody who understands, but all my 'friends' were online. That is something that was, in fact, 100% true, the sad child in the photos obviously needs a hug... I also spent that whole time wishing there was a perfect copy of me I could be friends with (while kinda being friends and constantly chatting with one. who sane ppl couldn't see as she was imaginary. I mean, they're still a great friend lmao. no longer cis vibes, too...), as while I finally was surrounded by neurodivergent queer people, I still often felt alone even in that crowd, but I still considered my life as still always getting better with age, as before that, I had had nobody (except this one entitled boy who murdered baby birds to make older boys think he's cool, convinced me to steal from stores and probably only hung out with me so he can say he has a gf. I'm still friends with him btw.)

Oof, okay, fuck, this was supposed to be a short summary, uhh... Yeah so basically, (and I fear saying this even here rn), I had made one of my main *quirky*!!!! personality traits that I was obsessed with (mostly fictional) redemption arcs (no, not why I'm friends with the other guy, stfu), and so one day... Idrk if it's a good idea to give specifics that could lead somebody to someday find that discord server, so let's just say... Somebody said 'this one fictional redemption arc is mid', and I being in character me, said it's not. And, uhh... Well... Then... (I'm scared, guys.) They said I'd probably say anybody can be redeemed. And I was like. Yeah that's half my personality, have you not noticed me, for years mind you, saying stuff like 'whaaaat no I'm not obsessed with redemption arcs, why'd you accuse me??' (while nobody was at all accusing me of that because they couldn't even bother to remember my nr1 personally trait smh)... And uhh... I think I turned my phone off for a bit cuz my sister (who hates me normally) saw me sitting on the floor and crying and gave me canned corn... Fuck getting carried away again. Reminder I was a child again and uhh... Wait this site has no forbidden words, right? Well, they kinda said that that means I'd want to be friends with Hitler, and also then somebody found an old screenshot that... Fuck I'm still scared to say specifics, I don't what them to find me, I quite love the peace on this site and don't like drama.

So, long story short, I got cancelled, like 7 friends stuck by my, one blocked me one day out of nowhere, but others said their mom was just overprotective and it's not their fault. Then all but one remaining friends were in one mini server and when one mentioned something about a person I knew was bad news, and I kinda inquired whether they know that? And got dishonourably banned for being insensitive. Which might've been fair, I've heard it's not polite to walk up to somebody and say 'your friend is a dick'. (Reminder that I'm not endorsing any of the shit this very unwell child is doing in the story I swear I'm not herrrr guys.) So yeah. And so the last friend disappeared over a month after the cancelling.

I learned that instead of watching YouTube at my laptop, I could use my phone instead and that way I could tidy while listening. I spent months tidying my room. Cut my hair short, as it had been a greasy mess. No, not what you're imagining right now, worse. No, much worse than that. I had been trying to embody a character. Just like with everything else. But no more. Started showering again instead of 100 layers of salt deodorant. I started meditating (helped for like 4 months, but now I don't do that again, maybe should lmao, off topic though). Walking to the forest and appreciating nature, like I kinda used to when I was a little child, with my dad. Reordered the furniture in my room. Got back into painting. A lot of little things. They do add up.

And then, before the end of the school year, I said hi to a quiet girl in my class, whom I used to talk to a little bit 4 years ago, but stopped. Well, apparently, he's a boy now. But... Yeah. I got introduced to the whole neurodivergent queer squad in my school, and idk if it's just me or a coincidence, but every last one of them seems so much more genuine and kind than the ppl I used to know online.

It's been years. I think I've healed, and then... Though maybe I have. Yesterday, I decided to revisit one of the maladaptive daydreams I used to escape to most of the time I was at school, or even at home for that matter, to distract myself from thoughts. I at first planned to just go through the standard scenario of making fictional friends, but then, I just stood there, and saw the character I had made so many years ago trying to make friends with the currently evil character. Allowing herself to be hurt. Desperate. Smiling. So fucking SHE NEEDS THERAPY GET HER SOME THERAPY AND A HUG LIKE OH MY GOD THIS CHILD SHOULD NOT GO THROUGH THE STUFF IRL THAT SHE PREFERS THIS TO WHAT THE FUCK, NONE OF THIS THAT HAPPENED IS OKAY TO PUT A FUCKING CHILD THROUGH.

So yeah I think I healed my inner child yesterday. How was your Saturday?

It’s weird how everyone hating you when you’re nine years old still affects your self esteem when you’re 26 like yeah nobody came to my birthday party but that was like 17 years ago why is it stopping me from going to a gay bar

[xantastica]

TW: politics, maga, abuse, suicide ideation (I'm okay this was from a few years ago. Don't worry)

Man, things have really been weighing on me. The world is in such a state. Especially the US rn. I just hope people stand up against these selfish people. I'm so exhausted of seeing people suffer when they shouldn't have to. I'm tired of being told "That's just life" or "That's just the way it is". No. It's complacency.

I worked under someone like this and they wore me down until I caused me to gas light myself, seek their praise only to be met with appreciation followed by emotional abuse followed by praise again. Constantly questioning me why I'm taking sick days since I just got a new vehicle.

Being told that all people want nowadays is a weeks paid vacation and sick leave so they can just bugger off and play hooky from work. I had to LIE to this woman to get two weeks off after having not had a vaction since Covid (it was xmas 2021). My mom gave me FULL permission to fib and say she was really ill just so i could take time off cause she was worried.

Then only for my boss to have the nerve to ask me to come back early, and accuse me behind my back for working somewhere else or looking for a different job when I was just trying to rest. Two days back at work after vaction I started feeling sick and came down with covid. When I told my boss I had tested positive for covid she argued with me saying I probably didn't have covid and that my doctors likely lied to me to appease the masses and to be "careful". That's when the suicidal ideation started even though it was quiet at first.

I was already run down from previous experiences with conservative bosses like this, all while being told theres nothing wrong with me from bosses, family, and peers. Shortly after returning to work during recovery an incident happened at work where it all came to head. I went to a walkin clinic one night after work complaining about covid fatigue and instead eventually breaking down in front of the nurse. They were worried by my reactions asked me questions and they got me in to see a doctor and therapist immediately.

After continued therapy and a long year wait (the US health system sucks) I was diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, and ADHD. I was told some of my diagnoses were a mix of past childhood trauma and a long line of abusive employers.

So why have I told you all this?

Because, these same employers are the same type of MAGA conservative people who voted for someone who wants to turn the US into a dictorship full of racism, inequality, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia and aporophobia. They want their fellow country men to suffer so they can sit high and comfy on their money instead of helping those around them because "That's just the way it is."

I dunno what else to add to this. I've just been feeling really bad the last week over and I wanted to share the experience I dealt with under MAGA folks. It's not good.

It's caused me everlasting trauma and the inability to feel human at times, but also left me with a strong sense of justice to realize just how insane the ideals are of these people. They say it's what's best for the country but it's what's best for THEM at the expense of others. Never forget that.