#i hope nobody reads this all the way through cause i can guarantee it makes like no sense

[vinaxxo]

17+ | I want you in my bed 🩶 (song by millionaires)

A/N: I live tomas. I laugh tomas. I love tomas. I wanna treat this beautiful man to dinner, and i want him to *********** my ***** and *************. This came out longer than expected, oops! LISTEN TO THE SONG. If you listened to it tell me in the comments!!

I think Tomas would really appreciate your help. Lucky for him, YOU ALL BOUT THAT!!! (you should be if you’re reading this)

CONTENT: nsfw, fem reader. we’re all pervs, next.

Tomas had the longest day. During training, recruits screwed up drills, causing Bi han to punish them all with even more taxing ones– to which he had to demonstrate and practice with the other ninjas ten times as hard.

While he was sparring with Kuai Liang, Tomas missed more than a few hits that would’ve been guaranteed had he been in top shape. Not that he isn’t now, but off days are inevitable, as nobody is perfect.

Tomas, frustrated, silently headed to the bathroom near his quarters, hoping to wash the day down the drain.

As the water ran down his toned back and arms, he let his head roll, completely forgetting about the plans he made with you to grab dinner at Madame Bo’s. The water soothed Tomas for a while before the frustration came clawing right back at him. He turned the water off soon after washing his body with a sigh.

After finishing your work for the day, you refresh yourself with a quick bath and fix up your appearance. You’d die before you let Tomas see you looking crazy, as if he hasn’t seen you beat up and disheveled after a fight. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to look good for him, he’s your biggest crush. Everything from the way he walks to talks has you leaping over the moon, and you wonder if he notices. You don’t think he has. Even if he’s teased you back before, you were never sure if he was flirting or not.

You checked your phone, which read 10. Tomas said he’d come by to get you, but it’s been at least thirty minutes after the time you both agreed on. You hope that he didn’t forget, but you open messages and send him a text. He’s been good at keeping up with newer technology with your help, cutely enough. You wait a little for a response, but nothing comes through.

Maybe Lin Kuei territory cell service isn’t the best? Shit.

Since you know where Tomas stays in the temple, you take it upon yourself to meet him at his quarters. He could be sleeping, which makes your steps unintentionally light as you approach his door. Dim light came from under the heavy wood, further fueling your curiosity.

The door made no noise as it was pushed aside, revealing Tomas on his bed. No shirt on, dick in hand, Tomas panted as he stroked himself, dying for any type of relief. It was beyond concerning that he didn’t notice you— he must’ve really been off his game. Not knowing what the fuck to do, you stand there and blush, feeling your heart beat in your head… and core.

“Damn it.” he huffed, letting go of his dick and running a hand through his hair. Tomas finally looked at you for a second before his eyes widened, face paling, and he immediately shoved a pillow into his lap. He wished his abilities would make him disappear without hesitation, but he was frozen.

He looked almost defeated. He was at a loss for words, but you weren’t that far off his wavelength. Tomas’ rosy blush from a moment ago returned, and he met your eyes again. His expression was bashful, but not as much as you’d expect from him.

“...How long have you been there?” he asked, clutching the pillow.

You respond quickly, not wanting silence to overcome you both again. “Not that long…” You feel bad for doing him like this, but really, this has got to be your biggest break. You can’t miss such an opportunity! (Fuck dinner when you can have Tomas instead.)

“I can help… if you want me to,” You offer with a sheepish smile, stepping into the room and letting the door slide closed behind you. Tomas looks you up and down with those silver eyes, and you can see his fist tighten its grip on the pillow, his knuckles going white. He studies you hard, weighing all the possibilities in his head. He’s tired and unsatisfied, but you could be the solution to that… He briefly wondered why he hadn't approached you before.

Though his mouth didn’t move, his eyes said everything for him. He wanted you to help. He needed you to help. He needed you. Taking his silence as a yes, you crawl onto the bed and put your hand on his, slowly moving that pesky pillow out of your way. He hissed at the chill of the air as his cock twitched, looking down at his lap before making eye contact with you again, this time with a lustful glint in his eye.

He placed his hands on the bed by his sides, lounging back slightly, watching you like a hawk. You reposition yourself and kneel, taking his dick into your hand and giving it a teasing stroke, to which Tomas’ breath hitched. Your body was thrumming with anticipation.

All you’ve ever wanted was to kneel before Tomas like this and show him how much you wanted him; he was so big, and feeling the weight of his cock made your underwear stickier than it already was. Tomas was sensitive because of his previous attempts to try cumming, so every touch you gave him made his cock twitch even more.

Without any warning, you went down on him with your drooling mouth, humming in delight when one of his surprisingly soft hands buried itself in your hair. He groaned, letting his brows become furrowed as he got used to the feeling around his cock. Your mouth was sucking him in so tight. It was like lava the way it made him feel like he was fucking melting.

“It’s so warm,” Tomas moaned and bit his lip, slightly moving his hips closer to your mouth. You gagged slightly, struggling to take him to the base in one go as your hands wandered to his thigh. Tomas felt his dick throb again as you lowered your head, and it was hard for him to not just manhandle you in that moment. He wanted nothing more than to push your head down further on his cock, but he decided to be gracious for your sake. He’d feel a little bad if your throat ended up being sore because of his greed. How sweet of him, right?

As you started to bob your head, lewd wet noises sounded through the room mixed with Tomas’ heavenly moans. They weren’t overly loud, but the edge to them added to the satisfaction you got from pleasing him. Your saliva and his precum made his dick glisten in the warm light as you hollowed out your mouth, earning you a grunt.

“Ugh..!” Tomas whined, gripping your hair tighter as he started feeling lightheaded. His hips were starting to involuntarily buck up into your mouth, which you welcomed with a moan of your own. He was starting to lose it, and bad. As his mind started to swirl with more and more filthy thoughts, he found it impossible to be gentlemanly any longer.

“I’m sorry—“ was all he murmured before he started moving your mouth up and down on his cock, releasing his loudest groan yet. It felt too good, the stress he felt from earlier dissipated completely as his mind turned numb from the way you gave him head. He never knew how much he’d been missing out on until this moment. Your beautiful face choking on his cock, sticky fluids coating your lips, your eyes glossy and glittering, he couldn’t have asked for a better sight.

You eagerly returned his greed with your own, choking briefly and breathing through your nose before swirling your tongue where you could while sucking on his dick harder than before. Tomas’ head and eyes rolled back as he swore in what you presumed to be czech. He looked so sexy like this, your fantasies could never compare to the real thing. You were getting wetter by the second. Tomas tried to keep his voice down, not wanting his brothers or any passerby to suspect anything, but it was hard. Really hard.

Before he knew it, your scalp was being tugged on enough to make you feel a burn— Tomas was signaling that he was close without saying a word. His pants grew a little faster as his thigh muscles clenched under your hands, and his eyes were lidded as they looked down at you.

“I’m— I’m gonna cum—” Tomas grunted, trying to pull your head off. How unclean would he be if he let himself release into your mouth? He only ever imagined it in his own fantasies, but he was under the impression that you wouldn’t like his cum in your throat. That’s why he was surprised by your resistance as you kept your pretty lips suctioned around the head of his dick. His expression was confused for a moment before it melted back into pleasure as his high came over him like a tidal wave.

He came in your mouth with a another grunt, the huge load leaking from your lips. You took in a breath after pulling off, the sticky strings connecting your tongue to his cock still keeping you both together in a way. Tomas put a hand in his hair and eyed you down, partly speechless.

“Where’d you learn to do that?” He asked, cracking his cute, classic smile. He was trying not to look at your lips that were still connected to his tip with the white strings of his cum— he’d be damned if he got hard in front of your face.

You licked your lips and playfully squeezed his thighs, silently admiring the solid muscle they carried.

“Just now.”

Tomas’ brow raised. You really never gave any head before? That was the best thing he’s ever felt. You ruined his hand for him. He then noticed the way you observed him with your eyes, the way you pawed at him, the way your thighs were squeezed together… fuck. His dick stood right back up against his will, which was the queue you were waiting for.

“I’m assuming you can help me with this too?” Tomas asked, letting himself pull you into his lap. He looked up at you curiously, allowing his hands to rub your lower back and trace the skin there. He sent shivers down your spine, made you weak in the knees— you couldn’t believe this was happening right now.

“Yeah… I can help.” You manage to say meekly, suddenly feeling shy under Tomas’ gaze. The way he looked at you never failed to make you feel like jelly, helpless to his effortless charm. He allowed his back to rest against the pillows, giving you the chance to do what you want. His hands, however, never left your body.

Eagerly but nervously, you pull your pants off and discard them, revealing dark gray lace. You forgot you had that pair on, immediately feeling heat rush to your ears. Tomas was never supposed to see your panties tonight, even if you did wear them because you were planning to have dinner with him.

Tomas tore his eyes off your underwear to smirk up at you, even being bold enough to snap the hem of them against your hip.

“Did you wear these for me?” He chuckled, bringing your hips down so you sat in his lap once more. When he pulled you down, your hands automatically planted themselves on his chest. It was soft, yet firm, you realized. A perfect match.

“My color looks good on you. Would you be mad if I told you I wanted to see you in these again?” Tomas peered at you with a mischievous smile, insinuating that he wanted to do stuff like this again with you in the future.

Susceptible to his mere existence, you nodded your head, letting him guide your clit to his cock. You started to grind against him, the wet spot on your underwear growing at a rapid pace. Tomas bit his lip and helped you, the delicious friction of fabric making his cock leak like crazy. As your low moans rang in his ears, he felt something inside of him snap. He needed to hear more.

Tomas pulled your panties aside and slid his middle finger up your cunt, surprised at how easy it went in. “You’re so wet,” he commented incredulously, looking at you for answers as he was able to slide in another thick finger. You whimpered above him, grinding yourself down on his fingers as all your inhibitions melted away.

“I wanted you so bad…” you mumbled, pussy clamping down on whatever he gave you. It was something, but it wasn’t enough. You really couldn’t wait any longer, the need to beg for more bubbled in your throat. Tomas blushed a little at your confession, feeling the heat rise in his stomach. His dick was aching to be touched again.

“Just let me on it already, Tomas, please,” you sniveled, already pulling his hand from your cunt and holding his dick. He didn’t object as your sopping pussy lowered onto his cock, swallowing it into your warmth. Tomas swore in czech again, this time a short string of different words, grabbing your ass with both hands on either side.

“Ngh, so tigh—“ cutting him off with a kiss as you easily let him bottom out, you both moan against each other’s lips. He gropes at the soft skin of your ass as you run your hands over his chest, letting your tongue play with his while your hips start to move back and forth in his lap.

This sensation made him bite your lip, enjoying the small sound you make when he does. He could feel his cock twitch between your velvety walls, ugh, he could never go back to his pathetic hand after this. Not after he’s had a taste of heaven.

When you reposition your legs at Tomas’ sides to get a more stable position, you feel him easily lift you up just to pull you right back down on his cock. It pulled two loud moans from you both as you got drunk off each other. Tomas felt his greed take the reins again as he helped you to start bouncing on his big dick— you were really starting to feel the stretch now. He was thick, and even with how wet you were, the strain on your pussy made you shake.

Sparing you the work like the sweetheart he is, he helped you ride him at a faster pace, causing you both to make more noise adding to the sounds of your sloppy cunt gushing around his dick. It felt unbelievably amazing, the way he massaged your walls and repeatedly rammed into your weak spot.

You weighed nothing to Tomas, so moving your body up and down quickly like a doll came easy. He watched your face as he dug his nails into your hips, memorizing every expression of ecstasy you made.

If nobody in the temple heard you both before, they sure did now. Tomas fucked up your insides like there was no tomorrow and you couldn’t escape him if you tried— not that you ever wanted to. You tried kissing him again only to be get open mouthed messy ones, your tongues being the only thing that could keep you both close together. Tomas groaned against your lips when you put your hands in his hair, your tits pushing up against his pecs as you did so.

Tomas never wanted to leave this moment. You got him addicted to this feeling, there’s no way he’d ever turn back. His cock was being squeezed and fucked so well, he felt his orgasm creeping up on him earlier than he expected. Oh well, that's what more rounds are for, right?

“T-Tomas, I’m g-gonna cum!” you whined, squealing when he started to slam you down on his dick even faster. He was kissing your cervix at this point, he’ll probably leave it bruised! As you babbled to him about your impending orgasm, Tomas nipped and kissed your neck after he sat up, his cock starting to twitch once again deep inside your pussy.

“L-Let’s cum together, just cum with me,” Tomas said breathlessly, rolling his hips up into you. You saw stars, Tomas’ voice commanding you with ease. As soon as your core clenched tightly and spasmed around his cock, he came, spurting his thick, hot cum up into your cunt.

He groaned loudly and panted again afterwards, the spasms of your pussy milking him dry as his release oozed down his cock from your entrance. You shook and whined in his ear, struggling to control how your body trembled in Tomas’ arms. He held you closer to him and stole your incoming thoughts away with a sensual kiss.

Not even a second after said kiss, you felt Tomas’ cock harden again inside you, and he gave you a wry smile. He wasn’t done, as he had so much pent up energy from even before today. You were in for a long night. Not that you minded, you always wanted to provide for Tomas, because you’re madly in love with him— and now you know he’s madly in love with you.

© vinaxxo 2024. Do not use my works for ai, or reposting to different platforms.

[ynhara]

So I got some sad news today and I am kind of, you know dealing with it my own way but I dokt usually do this but I feel like I gotta vent it somewhere because I need to get it out yk, so feel free to ignore this.

There is not a worse feeling in the world than loving something and not being able to keep doing it. I think I mentioned a few times I do martial arts, been doing them for at least 10 years and it is helped me deal with my mental health so much that even if I am tired I just can't bring myself to drop it, I enjoy it, I have fun and from someome who comes from a... Bullying experience in the past is just something I never expected I would love so much.

Through the years I have been competing in this little championships my gym organized with other nearby gyms, and surprisingly I felt so comfy with it, fighting in front of a lot of people, mingling and making friends, it truly has been a very positive experience and I have even managed to win some medals! I loved to go against boys bc you know they get so cocky is pretty satisfying to make them eat the dust xD but even then we were all cool and shit so there was never any harm done, as the fight ended we were all friends and it was so fucking nice.

This summer in the last championship I participated I got injured, and after going to rehab and what not I got the bad news that the damage to the Achilles tendon (i hope the english name is the same cause im translating it literally) is irreparable, not even surgery guarantees it will heal so the doc told me it was better to not have surgery to avoid any further complication.

And honestly? Is not a big deal in the sense that I can pretty much keep doing my life normally, sure there is pain but I can handle it and stuff, is something I had months to get used to but it sucks because I had to step down from competitions. I went to the gym today in the morning for the first time since the injury and... Its hard to keep up with the rest because I am already feeling the pain from forcing myself to keep up.

Anyway idk if anybody will read this, idm if nobody does is just nobody really gets it yk? And i just had to... Let it out bc I was going insane.

[anincompletelist]

rwrb fic recs round two! :D

HELLO! I was going to wait a bit longer before doing another rec, but I've read some phenomenal works lately and I wanted to share!

as always, if you feel inclined to share your own recs or even self-promote, please do! also, please remember to be kind and give back when possible by sharing fics, commenting, leaving kudos, or reaching out to the author to let them know that you enjoyed! happy early thanksgiving and all ;)

thank you again to these authors, as well as anyone who makes content for this lovely little corner of the internet. your work and art continues to get me through the persistently dark days, and I am eternally grateful to get to be privy to your talent and labors of love!

I hope you're all doing well, and happy reading! <3

in no particular order --

I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In | doeyedgirlyevil | E | 42k | WIP

There he stood. Frozen. In the presence of a man who Henry was willing to swear before Queen and country, under pain of death, was the single most beautiful person on the face of the planet, and possibly several galaxies beyond. A man who possessed the kind of magnetic pull that could persuade Henry to believe in a Catholic God. A man Henry needed to get at least 800 kilometres away from before he caused an international scandal in a tea room at Kensington Palace. - Henry has a new equerry. And he's too hot for Henry's fragile, gay heart to handle. (AKA the Alex as Henry's equerry AU that I'm sure someone asked for)

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Mr. Party Hardy | @inexplicablymine | T+ | 7k

Delicate isn’t the kind of word that would describe Alex Claremont-Díaz, not in this world or any other. He is fiery passion and loud excited exhaltations on whatever subject has currently caught his fancy. He is explosive lacrosse plays, the effusive energy he’s told he radiates. Nobody has ever treated him like he is something delicate, soft. Someone who needs a “Caution: Handle with Care” sign. He didn’t realize he needed that kind of care so badly. But Henry Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor does that and then some.  A look into what college parties look like for Mr. Party Hardy B.H. (before Henry) and A.H. (after Henry)

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the clementine thing | anonymous | 6k | T+

And, really, it doesn’t matter whether or not Alex explains it to Liam and the rest of his friends. They’ve never really discussed it between themselves through the years. Slowly, Alex had gone from asking Would you please peel this for me? to Please? to silently extending the citrus without any comment at all, just a soft smile. It’s one of the things that make them Alex-and-Henry; the silent conversations and the contentment in each other’s company. Now, as Alex starts to flourish through his position on the lacrosse team, his slew of AP classes, and his role in student government, getting him to slow down at all is a feat. The only way that Henry can do it, guaranteed, is by one of those innocuous little fruits. There’s nothing Alex can’t do—surely, he could peel a fucking orange if he felt so inclined��but Henry delights in being able to do this for him. (Five times Henry shares a clementine with Alex, and one time Alex returns the favor)

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they're gonna watch me disappear into the sun | @raysletters | 18k | M

Alex and Henry have been living together for four months already, and they couldn't be happier.

It all crumbles down when one morning, Henry is rushed to the hospital.

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get him alone | @congee4lunch | 103k | E

Alex looks at him, like Henry’s a speck of dirt on his pristine chinos. “Why would June send you to check up on me?” “Because I’m her best friend and you’re her brother?” “I always said she has bad taste.” “Well,” Henry smiles. It feels as placid on his face as it probably looks. “I would say the same thing, but family doesn’t account for one’s taste, unfortunately.”

(in which henry fox is june’s childhood best friend and alex claremont-diaz is june’s younger brother. as the years pass, they tolerate each other at best and are downright destructive at worst. until they begin falling into each other's beds.)

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the beagle, the ghost, and the wardrobe | @dumbpeachjuice | 11k | M

Henry’s new flat comes with one unexpected feature: it’s already inhabited. But not by a human. By a ghost.

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that's all for now! I want to do another one of these very soon once the halloween, huh fics have been revealed! until then! happy reading! :D

-- anincompletelist / sarah

[st4r-c0d3]

im really starting to hate the mha manga (not really spoilers but read on at your own risk)

BC OF THE DEVELOPMENT OF BAKUGO AND DEKU

LIKE YEAH I WANT THEM TO FIX THEIR FRIENDSHIP AND SHIT

BUT ITS REALLY STARTING TO MAKE AN ASS LOAD MORE SENSE OF WHY PEOPLE SHIP BAKUDEKU

(the rest of this post is just me raging about bakudeku cause its two in morning)

LIKE???

IVE ALWAYS UNDERSTOOD WHERE THE BAKUDEKU SHIPPERS (the logical ones) WERE COMING FROM

BUT IT PAINS ME IN A WAY THAT I UNDERSTAND IT MORE

LIKE I HAVE A BURNING HATRED FOR BAKUDEKU

I STILL FUCKING DO

PROBABLY ALWAYS WILL

I LIKE THEIR GROWTH BC THEIR BROTHERLY BOND AND FRIENDSHIP IS MY EVERYTHING

BUT LIKE I JUST HATE IT ROMANTICALLY

IT JUST MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE

AND IT JUST FEELS WRONG

IT FEELS SO FUCKING WRONG FOR SOME REASON

LIKE I GET ENEMIES TO LOVERS

NOWHERE NEAR MY FAVORITE TROPE BUT IT DOESNT SUCK IG

BUT ON THEIR LEVEL ITS NOT EVEN ENEMIES TO LOVERS

LIKE DEKU NEVER SAW BAKUGO AS HIS ENEMY

SO IT CANT BE ENEMIES TO LOVERS

BUT LIKE TROPE ASIDE

I FEEL LIKE THEIR PERSONALITIES DONT FUCKING WORK TOGETHER

I GET KIRIBAKU

BC EVEN THOUGH KIRISHIMA IS CONSIDERED A SUNSHINE CHILD

THIS MF IS VIOLENT TOO

JUST SPRINKLE IN INSECURITY AND MANIC PANIC HAIR DYE

BC KIRISHIMA DOESNT PUT BAKUGO ON AN UNREACHABLE PEDESTAL

LIKE HE JUST CARES ABOUT HIM

AND BAKUGO IS A LITERAL TSUNDERE

I GET BAKUKAMI

BC EVEN THOUGH KAMI IS ALSO CONSIDERED A SUNSHINE CHILD

HE'S NOT THE SAME "innocent uwu baby" SOME PEOPLE MAKE DEKU INTO

DENKI HAS MORE OF A LOUD PERSONALITY

HE REALLY SAID "take Kirishima but bass boost the confidence and lose the urge to shed blood"

LIKE COME ON NOW

HE WORKS WITH BAKUGO BC HE IS JUST AS ENERGETIC AND LOUD

ALSO BC HE SIMPLY JUST GETS ALONG WITH ANYONE AND EVERYONE

SHIT I CAN SEE BAKUSERO

BECAUSE SERO IS MAKES FUN OF THE FUCKER

THEY JUST MESH WELL IN THE WAY SERO WOULD BE HIS ENTIRE VOICE OF REASON

SERO IS CHILL WHILE BAKUGO IS AGGRESSIVE AS FUCK

IT JUST WORKS

BAKUIIDA WORKS TOO

BC IT JUST DOES

THEY BOTH LOVE RULES

BOTH ARE LOUD

THEY LOOK CUTE TOGETHER AND I THINK THEIR PERSONALITIES COMPLIMENT EACH OTHER PERFECTLY

PLS SHINBAKU WORKS

TWO ASSHOLES???

A QUIET ONE AND A LOUD ONE

THATS JUST HOW IT IS

THEY COMPLIMENT EACH OTHER WELL

IT JUST WORKS

BUT BAKUDEK????

ITS LIKE COMPLETE OPPOSITES

AND IN THIS CASE ITS NOT GOOD

CAUSE WHEN IT COMES TO BAKUGO SHIPS??

I DONT THINK COMPLETE OPPOSITES WORK

WHEN I THINK OF A GOOD BAKUGO SHIP I THINK OF SOMETHING WHERE THE OTHER PERSON IS EITHER REALLY SIMILAR OR HAS AT LEAST ONE CORE TRAIT THAT'S SIMILAR

LIKE BAKUYAMA FOR INSTANCE

BOTH ARE KINDA NARCISSISTIC

NOT A LOT

BUT ITS A CORE TRAIT THEY BOTH HAVE THAT WORKS

AND NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY TO THINK OF A SUPER CORE TRAIT THAT BAKUGO AND DEKU BOTH POSSESS I DRAW A BLANK

SURE THEY BOTH WANNA BE HEROS BUT BAKUGO WANTS TO BE TE BEST AND DEKU JUST WANTS TO HELP PEOPLE

I REALLY CANT FIND A WAY TO MESH THEM

LIKE IT JUST DOESNT WORK TO ME

AND IT BOTHERS ME THAT CANON INTERACTION WISE IT MAKES SENSE

BUT CANON PERSONALITY WISE I FUCKING HATE IT

BC WHEN IT COMES TO MHA SHIPS MY MAIN THING IS HOW WELL I THINK THEY COULD WORK IF IT HAPPENED LIKE STRANGERS TO LOVERS

PERSONALITY FIRST

CANON INTERACTION NEXT

AND HOW MUCH I THINK IT WORKS LAST

anyways thank you for coming to my Ted Talk

[procrastinatingsapphictrash]

My Tasha

Word count: 7334

Genre: Mostly angst but the ending is fluffy

Pairing: Natasha x fem!reader

Warnings: A sort of suggestive scene? I think that's all (let me know if I need to add any)

Request: congrats on those 500’ love!!! they are well deserved for all of your amazing words 🥺 i was just thinking how cute it be for nat to take a liking to reader, so she tries all those “seductive” tricks the red room taught her, but r just reads it as a cocky fuckboy thing and rejects her? soft!nat appearing later to ask her out? 🥺

Summary: Natasha tries to seduce you at a party but you misunderstand, assuming she's just using you. Both of you mope before realizing what happened.

A/n: Finally I finished this! It was supposed to be 2000 words max but I got carried away and @teenwonder I blame you since you were the one who sent in this idea. I actually really like how this turned out, even if it differs from the prompt slightly so I hope you guys like it too because this probably took at least ten hours to write and I have lost way too much sleep over it. Enjoy!

Natasha looks in the mirror and lifts the corner of her mouth into a slight smile. She looks hot and she knows it, spending hours in front of the mirror perfecting the look. Her eyeshadow screams seduction and her lipstick highlights and colours the natural shape of her lips. Her lashes are curled to perfection and her makeup is applied with the technique she learned years ago that was guaranteed to make people stare. Her hair is straightened because it matches the look and also the last time she straightened it you had complimented her hair so she knows you like it.

Her dress is black, the colour that looks best on her, with a neckline that is dangerously low and the bottom riding dangerously high on her thigh. Her heels are her go to ones for anytime she wants to seduce anyone, they manage to work every time and have become a small symbol of luck for her and tonight she needs all the luck she can get for tonight’s party.

Usually people are easy to seduce, she just has to figure out the likes and dislikes of her target and play up to them. Tonight shouldn’t be much different except for the big added aspect of her actually caring. She’s never had to seduce someone she’s wanted to before so she knows it’s going to be harder than normal. Taking a deep breath she pushes the nerves away and smirks at her own reflection before going to meet everyone in the main room.

Your breath hitches when she walks in and you quickly look away so it doesn’t seem like you’ve been waiting for her arrival. She’s gorgeous, she always is, but tonight there’s something about her that’s different, like she put more effort than usual. You force yourself to stay calm and look away, pretending to still be interested in the conversation you had been having with Carol that you zoned out of the moment Natasha entered the room.

Carol’s looking at you strangely. “What?”

She gives a half laugh. “You think I didn’t notice you drooling over Natasha.”

“That obvious?” you ask and she nods. “Damn.”

“Damn is right, she’s smoking!” Carol whisper-yells, glancing over quickly and then back to you.

“Carol!” you exclaim aghast.

She laughs again. “Don’t worry I’m not trying to steal your girl, after all I have Valkyrie.”

“Yes and you constantly remind me of that.” you mumble which she ignores.

“I’m just saying that some people are already staring at her and are going to be all over her soon, you need to make your move quickly.” she finishes.

“I will.” you tell her, with no real intention of going to talk to her.

“Sure you will,” she says quietly at first before yelling in Natasha’s direction, “Hey Romanoff! Come here.”

Natasha is surprised and she hopes Carol isn’t calling her over because she noticed her staring. Logically she knows that Carol doesn’t want to date you and is dating Valkyrie but it looked far too much like flirting in her opinion. There were whispers and giggles and at one point you got all flustered and embarrassed. She doesn’t like how possessive she feels over you when she has no right to but somehow when it comes to you she can’t quite control herself.

Showing none of the inner thoughts that go through her head she weaves her way over to you. At first some of the team is staring because they got startled by Carol’s yell but a small glare gets them to look away again.

“Hey.” Carol greets when she walks over.

“Hey.” she says back with a smile and it’s not her fault if the smile is a little flirtier than normal and directed more towards where you’re standing. “What’s up?”

“I want to go find Valkyrie and see what’s taking so long for her to come back from the bar but didn’t want to leave Y/n all alone at a party and since you were alone too I thought it would be a great idea for you guys to spend the party together!” she explains quickly. “I’ll come back soon!”

With that she leaves and you and Natasha are left looking at each other awkwardly. She wants to say something to break the silence but all her earlier confidence is gone and she feels like a schoolgirl with her first crush. Which is half true, she is definitely not a schoolgirl but she’s never had feelings like this for anybody before.

“You don’t have to stay here.” you offer, feeling bad that she was forced to come here and babysit you. Carol is your best friend but sometimes you just can’t stand her. This is so uncomfortable and Natasha is looking at you weirdly and you just know that she’ll apologize and leave so she can spend the party with people who actually know how to have fun.

“I know but I want to.” she says and you can’t help looking away shyly and smiling. She smiles herself at your cuteness, now slightly more confident knowing that she can make you react like that.

---

She smirks as for the thousandth time that night you struggle to keep your gaze from dipping below her neck. The dress was a good choice and judging based on your lack of eye contact you appreciate it. She knows you find her attractive, it’s hard not to know that with you staring at her boobs every few seconds but as the night goes on she’s more and more hopefully that you want to date her. Your flushed cheeks and occasional stuttering give you away.

Some guy interrupts your conversation and she resists the urge to punch him. She doesn’t know what he’s here for and shouldn’t punch people for interrupting a conversation with a girl she really really likes (she doesn’t allow herself to consider love just yet).

“Hey beautiful.” he greets her, stepping into her space and ignoring you. Against her better judgment she does punch him and giggles as he staggers backwards muttering about bitches under his breath. Really the punch shouldn’t have affected him that much, it was light and not in an area that would cause serious injury, he was just weak.

“Holy fuck.” you whisper under your breath.

“That didn’t bother you, did it?” she rushes to confirm, not wanting to have upset you by resorting to violence. She wasn’t quite sure how to take your holy fuck, whether you meant it in a good way or not.

“It was so hot.” you breath and then immediately clamp a hand over your mouth once you’ve realized what you’ve said out loud.

You’re about to apologize but she speaks first. “Really?”

You don’t understand how she makes her voice sound so smooth and seductive but it makes your knees weak. You’re nervous but there’s no point in taking it back now and it does seem like she’s flirting with you so you continue.

“Yeah, what can I say I like strong women who don’t take shit from men.” you say, moving closer to her. You haven’t flirted very much before but judging based on how her eyes darken slightly you think it’s working.

She reaches out and runs her hand down the side of your face slowly, making you shiver. “Looks like we have the same type.”

She keeps her hand there for a second then leans in slowly, giving you time to pull away. You’re frustrated by how long it’s taking and try to take a small step towards her so you can kiss her. It doesn’t work well since you forgot you’re wearing heels and lose your balance, making her laugh, her breaths dancing over your lips. And then suddenly she’s not moving slowly anymore and her lips are on yours and it’s all you can think about. Your other senses are all dulled and you kiss her harder to prove that this is real.

After a few seconds she pulls back. “I didn’t want people to see,” she explains when she sees your pout, “hallway?”

You’re not sure if it’s even possible for you to do anything but nod and take her hand as she leads you out. Inside of taking you to the main hall she takes you to a side one that doesn’t get used often and only the avengers have access to. Glancing around again to make sure nobody notices she pulls you inside and immediately you’re kissing again.

She presses you against the wall and you grip her shoulders tightly, your nails dipping into her bare skin. When she pulls back again she notes in satisfaction that your lips are smeared with her lipstick and she applauds her choice of bright red. Inside of going back to your mouth she kisses along your jaw and your neck, the lipstick marking you. Happy with her work she moves back to your lips, humming happily at the feeling.

She likes it even more when she feels your mouth open to let her in, taking the opportunity to explore your mouth with her tongue. You let out a small whine and the noise reminds her of where you are.

“Come up to my room?” she asks, smirking. You’re about to say yes when you notice her smirk. It bugs you for some reason, it makes it seem like she’s winning some sort of prize. Breathing heavily you look more closely at her and notice her heels. It’s her seductive mission heels. And then you realize she often wears a black dress to seduce people as well. You feel like a complete idiot, she doesn’t want you for anything more than a quick fling. This was a calculated move on her part.

“No.” you tell her firmly, only able to hold back your tears due to sheer anger. You thought that you were friends, how dare she try to play with your feelings just because she knew she could. Taking advantage of her shock you push past her, running out of the hall and back into the party. You look like a disaster so as quickly as possibly to rush to the doors and leave, running to your room, thankful that everyone seems too invested in their own conversations to notice you going.

You keep running until you reach your room. It didn’t look like she was following you but you don’t want to take any chances. Flinging off your heels because they’re uncomfortable you launch yourself onto your bed and curl up, pulling the covers over your head and putting your face into a pillow. You’re probably getting her lipstick all over right now but you don’t care, you don’t have enough energy to care right now.

You berate yourself again for how stupid you are. You got so caught up in your own emotions that you didn’t even consider that it didn’t mean the same to her as it did to you. It’s so obvious in hindsight. How after one kiss she wanted to sneak away so nobody saw, her glance back at the room before you entered the hall. She wasn’t looking for a relationship that much was clear. She invited you to her bedroom, not on a date.

You try to reason with yourself to make the pain go away but it doesn’t. You weren’t super close but you considered her a friend. Apparently she didn’t consider you one if she was willing to put your friendship aside for sex. You briefly consider that maybe she didn’t know about your feelings but you shake that thought off. She’s smart and reads people easily, she knew she just didn’t care.

You hate the tears that roll down your face. You can’t tell if they’re from sadness or anger and it doesn’t matter. Nothing seems to matter right now. Sobs wrack your body harder and you scream silently into your pillow. You hate this so much, you hate crying and you wish you could hate Natasha but you can’t. You hate yourself for letting yourself get hurt like this though.

---

Natasha watches you leave. She wants to run after you but the look on your face when you pushed by her stops her. You looked so disgusted that you had just made out with her and she can feel her heart breaking into a million pieces just thinking about it. She doesn't know what she did to get it. It’s obvious that you regretted kissing her but it hurts that you seem disgusted by it.

She allows herself a few moments to stand there and try to comprehend what just went on, a single tear dripping down her face. Swallowing hard she wipes it away and takes a breath to collect herself. She makes sure her dress is straight and runs her fingers through her hair so it doesn’t look too wild.

It doesn’t really matter what she looks like, she’s planning to slip out the back of the hall, the opposite way that you went, so it’s unlikely anyone will see her but she wants to be prepared on the off chance that the halls aren’t empty. Biting her lip to stay calm she walks out the end of the hall and slowly makes her way to her room.

She feels so stupid. She’s not even mad at you for feeling disgusted she’s mad at herself. She got so caught up in her own feeling that she never stopped to think about the fact that you don’t like her back. For a moment it seemed like you did but that was probably you being too nice to say no to her.

Her heels seem to mock her as she walks up the stairs with the way they clip clop. So much for lucky heels, she’ll never be able to use them again without remembering how badly she failed. She tugs on her dress from both the top and the bottom, trying to pull it longer in both directions. She felt so confident in it earlier in the mirror and especially when she caught you staring but now she just feels dirty and slutty.

“You’re a fucking idiot.” she mutters out loud to herself when she finally gets to her room. Looking in her mirror upon entry only makes things worse. She’s lucky that she didn’t see anyone in the halls because even after her attempts at cleaning up she looks like a mess. Her makeup is smudged all over and she can see the upset written plainly on her face.

Usually it’s easy to hide her emotions but usually she doesn’t feel such strong ones. You make her feel and she hates it. Only earlier today she loved that you made her feel. She loved the way her heart fluttered thinking about you and how she wasn’t always perfectly composed. You made her feel normal. But now she hates the way her heart betrays her, happy at even the thought of you.

Her only option right now is to forget and she thanks herself for always keeping a bottle of vodka in her room. A bad habit perhaps, but she rarely drinks from it and it is perfect for this situation. Drinking doesn’t help much, even after a while the hurt is still fresh in her mind, but it stops her from overthinking. When she eventually leaves the bottle and slips into bed it’s nobody’s business but hers if she cries herself to sleep.

---

You bury yourself deeper into your covers when you hear knocks at your door, hoping that whoever it is will go away soon.

“Y/n open up!” you hear Carol shout, still pounding on the door. “Unless Natasha’s with you, don’t think I didn’t notice you left the party earlier.”

Carol’s mention of Natasha makes a lump form in your throat and suddenly you feel the sudden urge to take a shower and wash all of her off you. You must have stayed silent for too long because Carol’s knocking stops and she speaks again.

“If you don’t say anything in five seconds I’m coming in.” she tells you.

You don’t know if you want her here or not. Carol is always good at making you cheer up but you feel embarrassed to tell anybody what happened.

“Four.”

Carol would understand though, she’s never been one to judge people for things and she was the one who helped push you towards Natasha, telling you she liked you back.

“Three.”

You realize that Natasha’s lipstick is still all over you and you’re still wearing the dress from last night. It’s too late to fix the clothes but you try to wipe the lipstick from your neck as quickly as possible (spoiler, it doesn’t go very well).

“Two.”

You’re still not sure if you want her to come in so you open your mouth to try to tell her to go away but the lump in your throat prevents you from speaking.

“One, I’m coming in now.” she says, opening the door. “Is that Natasha’s lipstick?”

It’s too much and you get overwhelmed, bursting into tears. Her grin of triumph from when she saw the lipstick quickly disappears and she rushes over to comfort you, wrapping you in a big hug.

“Do I have to kill her?” she asks, when you’ve calmed down a little bit. If you didn’t know Carol enough to know she’s actually a huge softy you would think she is dead serious.

“No,” you tell her, managing a weak smile at how quickly Carol comes to your defense.

“Are you sure?” she asks. “You have her lipstick all over you and you’re crying because of her. What did she do wrong?”

“It’s not her fault,” you protest. Natasha and Carol are friends and you don’t want them to stop being close because of you.

“It’s not her fault you’re crying?” Carol asks skeptically.

“I-um, she,” you stumble over your words because technically it is her fault you’re crying. “She didn’t mean to.” you finally settle on saying.

Carol doesn’t look any happier with the situation than she did before. “Please tell me what happened Y/n so I can go beat her up for you. Did she try to force herself on you or do anything you didn’t want?”

“No.” you say, shaking your head. Natasha may have only been looking for a one night stand or short fling but you can confidently say that she would never do that.

“Okay, then what did she do to make you so upset? It doesn’t look like she rejected you.” Carol is both stubborn and curious and you sigh knowing you’re not going to be able to get out of this conversation without telling her what happened.

“At first it was really nice, we were talking and then we were kissing. But then-” you pause and take a deep breath as Carol rubs a hand comfortingly on your back. “But then she asked if I wanted to go up to her room.” you pause again, trying not to cry for the second time this morning.

“What did you say?” Carol asks softly, knowing this is hard for you.

“I almost said yes, I was planning to say yes,” you tell her, “but then I looked down at her heels.”

“Her heels?”

“She was wearing the heels she always wears for missions where she has to seduce shady old men.” you explain. “And her dress seemed different than normal, like one she’d wear on a mission and she was smirking at me, like she got exactly what she wanted.”

“She treated you like a mission.” Carol states, a hard look in her eye. “That bitch.”

“Carol,” you warn, “you’re her friend too.”

“And as her friend I’m going to give her some friendly advice.” She emphasizes the word friendly giving the impression that it wasn’t going to be friendly at all.

“It will only make things worse.” you tell her. “I just want to forget about it.”

Carol keeps the hard look but softens a little, smiling at you. “Okay, whatever you want. We could spend the day watching movies and eating ice cream?”

“Okay.” you tell her. You’ve never been heartbroken before but you’ve seen movies and apparently this is what everyone does.

“I’ll go get the ice cream while you pick a movie.” she tells you, standing up. “I’ll even watch a disney one if you’d like.”

You give a halfhearted cheer, trying to convince Carol that you’re excited. She frowns as she leaves the room, that cheer was obviously fake. Any other time and you would be beyond happy that she was agreeing to watch Disney movies with you, you’ve been begging her to for almost a year. She can’t help but feel anger at Natasha and anger at herself. Anger at Natasha for playing with your feelings but anger at herself for pushing you to be with Natasha. She should have realized Natasha wouldn’t treat you right but she was so caught up in trying to pair you together that she didn’t see it.

---

Natasha wakes up as normal, feeling a headache forming already. Glancing towards her alarm clock she sits up in shock when she reads how late it is. She’s never in bed after noon. She groans when she realizes sitting up that quickly was not a good idea and makes her feel nauseous. She takes a few breaths, in and out, to calm herself and tries to remember why she drank so much. She was upset, she remembers that. She was upset because her plan didn’t work.

She feels a sharp pain in her heart when her mental blocks seem to go away and she remembers everything that happened, how the night had been going so perfectly and she had felt so happy only for it to all come crashing down when you ran away, disgusted that you kissed her.

“Stupid.” she tells herself, getting out of bed. She reminds herself of that as she goes about her normal morning routine, washing her face, brushing her teeth and getting dressed. She was so stupid to risk your friendship for something more, now it would be a miracle if you still wanted to be around her. Even if it hurt to pretend you hadn’t kissed she would go back to being friends with you in an instant if you still wanted her. She tries not to think about how big of an if that is.

When she is presentable she decides to head down the kitchen and grab some food. It’s been awhile since she last ate and there’s no use in trying to hide away and avoid her problems; she will either see you and have to confront them or you won’t be there. She knows that hiding away will only make things worse and appear weak, if she leaves her room and pretends everything is normal it will make her seem less hurt than she is.

“Hi Natasha.” Tony says in a weird voice when she enters the kitchen, waggling his eyebrows. She does her best not to show her obvious disappointment that almost everybody is here. The one upside is that you’re not.

“Hi Tony.” she says tiredly, walking over to grab a piece of bread and plopping it in the toaster.

“So Natasha,” he starts, oblivious to her unrelaxed mood, “how was last night?”

Natasha whips around lightning fast, staring at him. “What do you mean?”

He couldn’t possibly have heard, could he? She had hoped to talk to you before word got out about the rejection, to try to keep it on the down-low because the guys would never let her live it down. She assumed you wouldn’t tell anyone but you did leave the hall in the direction of the party so maybe you decided to stay.

“I mean with Y/n.” he says casually as Natasha fights to keep a straight face as her heart beats wildly in her chest. “Don’t think we didn’t notice how you both left early.”

Natasha lets out an almost unnoticeable sigh of relief. He didn’t know anything important.

“Well that may be the case but I can assure you nothing happened.” she tells him.

“Then where is she now?” Tony challenges.

“I don’t know, if you haven’t seen her she’s probably in her room.” Natasha responds smoothly. It’s just her luck that after being rejected by the girl of her dreams Tony thinks they got together.

“And where were you?”

Natasha gives him a deadpan stare. “My own room.”

He scoffs. “First of all you could be lying to us, I know you spies are good at that. But if you aren’t you need to get some balls and ask her out already.”

Natasha scowls. “A man’s balls are the weakest part of his body, I am good without them.”

Tony has enough self preservation to step back for a second. Natasha lets him think that her annoyance is solely over his sexist statement but really it wasn’t that bad and she’s just upset that she can’t have you so she really doesn’t want to be talking about asking you out.

“You should.” Clint speaks up.

Natasha rolls her eyes. “Not you too.”

“See Clint agrees with me and I bet the others do too.” Tony says smugly. Natasha lets her eyes move slowly around the room and one but one they all look away when she catches their eye, showing her that while they are too nervous to outright say it, Tony is right and they do agree.

“I don’t care about that,” she says, “I am not and that’s the end of the story.”

“What not?” Tony persists. “You like her, you can’t deny that, so give me one good reason not to.”

“Because she wouldn’t want to and I respect that.” Natasha says calmly. Inside she feels her stomach twisting and she wants to break something. She may be good at hiding her emotions but this conversation is proving to be next to impossible.

Tony scoffs again. “There’s no way, that girl is so in love with you it’s ridiculous.”

“What’s ridiculous is that you assume things about other people and can’t let this go.” Natasha tells him icily. “You don’t know what she’d say.”

“Then you don’t know either.” Tony counters.

“Then why did she say no when I asked her out last night?” Natasha snaps at him. There are gasps all around the room and to her mortification she is barely holding in the tears that spring to her eyes.

“What?” Sam asks in disbelief.

“I asked her out, she said no and that’s that.” Natasha explains, trying to keep her composure but failing when a tear falls down her cheek. “Excuse me.”

She hurries out of the room, no longer able to handle the talk of asking you out and the disbelieving stares. As she gets back to her room and lies in bed once more she notes in annoyance that she never got her toast. Not that she’s hungry anymore anyway. She doesn’t feel anything anymore except sadness and emptiness. She knew her feelings for you were strong but now that she knows for sure that you don’t want her they feel even stronger and it makes her realize just how much this meant to her and how much she lost.

---

“Hey.” Carol greets as she walks in the kitchen and heads straight for the freezer.

“Morning Carol.” Bruce says, looking shocked when he sees the amount of ice cream she’s holding. “Ice cream for breakfast?”

“It’s for Y/n.” Carol explains.

Tony’s expression turns dark. “What on earth does she need it for?”

“Girl problems, also known as none of your business.” Carols says, in an admittedly sassy voice.

Tony glares. “By girl problems do you mean what happened with Romanoff last night.”

He may tease Natasha but she was like family to him and he would not allow your feelings to be coddled while you stomped all over hers. He doesn’t care if you feel bad for rejecting her, you had flirted and let her on for too long and feeling bad was the least you deserve.

In an instant Carol is across the kitchen and inches from his face. “How do you know?”

“Hey, calm down.” Bruce says, stepping in when he notices Clint and Sam have both tensed up, presumably to defend Natasha’s honor. Even though he’s a man himself he doesn’t understand them sometimes, Natasha was more than capable of taking care of herself and starting a fight between Tony and Carol, the two most stubborn on the team, would only be a headache for weeks to come.

“How do you know?” Carol asks Bruce, thankfully stepping back from Tony.

“She was here a few minutes ago and told us.”

Carol curses under her breath. “That bitch.”

“Hey!” Clint says loudly. “If anyone is a bitch here it’s Y/n.”

“Yes because it’s all Y/n’s fault.” Carol says sarcastically.

Sam decides he’s had enough of Carol. “Yes actually, it is.”

“Bullshit.”

The three of them go back and forth with Carol, mainly cursing and getting a little off topic.

It’s when Carol calls Tony an idiot that Bruce speaks up. “You weren’t here to see Natasha cry.”

“What?” Carol turned to face Bruce, shocked. He isn’t one for petty arguments so she believes what comes out of his mouth. But why would Natasha cry? It doesn’t make sense, she was the one who broke your heart, not the other way around. “Natasha never cries.”

“Well she just did.” Tony says but it’s not in a confrontational tone anymore. He’s not sure what Carol knows but it’s obvious she didn’t know fully what happened.

“Why?”

“It was partly my fault,” Tony admits, “I was teasing her about asking out Y/n and she kept saying no and eventually snapped and told us that she did last night but Y/n rejected her.”

Carol scrunches her brow in confusion. “That’s not what Y/n told me- OHHH.”

“What?” The voice comes simultaneously from all four men at once.

“They are both idiots.” Carol says, smiling and laughing for the first time since entering the kitchen. “They are both huge idiots that don’t know shit about feelings.”

“What?” Tony asks again, wanting to know what Carol’s thinking.

“Okay I’ll tell you but don’t interrupt.” Carol warns and looks at all of them to make sure they nod in agreement. Once she is satisfied she starts. “So this morning I found Y/n in tears and covered in Natasha’s lipstick. Apparently they had fun at the party last night and then snuck away to makeout. Y/n was upset because Natasha asked her up to her room instead of on a date and she noticed that Natasha was wearing her mission heels, do you know them?”

“The ones that she uses to seduce old men for Shield?” Sam asks just to make sure.

“Yep.” Carol confirms. “So anyways Y/n is upset because she thinks that she was just some sort of challenge to Natasha so she left her there…”

“...but Natasha was actually serious about her.” Clint finishes.

Tony laughs. “They really are idiots.”

“I am definitely telling this story at their wedding and to their future kids.” Sam says, also laughing.

“Well first they need to actually talk to each other about this.” Bruce points out, lowering the happy mood of the room. “Right now they’re both in their rooms miserable and feelings like the other doesn’t want them.”

“We should get Natasha to talk to Y/n,” Carol suggests, “because I know that Y/n won’t believe us unless Natasha is the one to tell her.”

“Okay I volunteer to talk to Natasha.” Tony suggests.

“No.” Carol tells him.

“Well you’re Y/n’s best friend so she won’t want to talk to you either right now.” he counters.

“Yes but you’re also a horrible option, I think Bruce would be best for this.”

Bruce looks around the room. “Me?”

“That does make sense,” Clint agrees with Carol, “out of all of us you’re the best at calming people down and she’d be most likely to believe you quicker.”

“But-”

“No buts Brucie, don’t you want to see them together?” Tony pleads.

“Yeah come on Brucie,” Sam mocks Tony, “do it for love.”

Bruce sighs as he watches Tony pout and Sam flutter his eyelashes ridiculously. “Fine.”

“Get straight to the point,” Clint advises, “because she will kick you out if you don’t.”

“Okay.”

Bruce leaves the kitchen to head to Natasha’s room. It took ages for him to be convinced to join the avengers and every day he can’t tell if he regrets his choice or loves his choice. Certainly no other job in the world would force him to go talk to his scary assassin coworker so she and his other coworker can get together. He really isn’t paid enough for this.

A knock startles Natasha. She didn’t think anyone would come after her because she assumed they would all be too scared when she’s in a bad mood.

“Who is it?” she calls out.

“Bruce.”

“Bruce,” she sighs, “I’m sorry but I need to be alone right now, I hope you of all people can understand that.”

“No.” he responds, surprising both her and himself with how determined his voice sounds.

“Bruce-” she starts but he interrupts.

“Hear me out first Natasha,” he begs, “please.”

She thinks about it for a moment before giving up and sighing, she’s not in the mood to spend time arguing. “Fine, but you have to stay outside the door.”

“If that’s what you want.” he agrees, pausing a second to figure out how he wants to word things. “I just came back from an interesting conversation with Carol in the kitchen.” he settles on saying.

“Oh?” She tries not to think about what that means. Carol is your best friend and after her scene in the kitchen this morning she doesn’t think there would be any other reason he would bring her up.

“She was getting ice cream for Y/n because apparently she’s upset.” he offers as a means of explanation.

“Oh.” she says again and it’s so quiet she doesn’t think he heard her. “You can tell Carol that I’ll apologize to Y/n tomorrow, I need to gain control of myself first.”

She never thought about how it would be from your end of things. She forced you into more than you wanted and tried to ask you out and she selfishly focused on her own feelings when you probably were upset that she kissed you. Or you thought you would lose her as a friend. She doesn't think she is capable of talking to you without breaking down right now but in a few days she’ll be fine and able to pretend nothing changed.

“That’s not what she was upset about,” Bruce tells her, “Carol says she was upset because she thought it didn’t mean anything to you.”

“What, why?” Natasha can’t help but let her interest be taken. She doesn’t want to get her hopes up, what Bruce said could mean a lot of different things.

“I feel like I’m in middle school and there’s broken telephone being played between two crushes.” Bruce jokes.

“Bruce, tell me why.” Natasha demands. Her voice is soft but they both know if Bruce stalls any longer she’ll drop the sweet act.

“Well Carol said she said that it seemed like you were acting as if she was your mission to seduce and not like you actually wanted to be with her.” Bruce says, relaying the information.

“Crap.”

Bruce waits for Natasha to elaborate but she doesn’t say anything. “Are you okay in there?”

“Yes, thank you Bruce,” she says, “I need to go fix this, you can leave now.”

He can’t help but feel relieved as he speeds away down the hall. He is never going to do anything like that again, it was way too awkward. He still doesn’t understand how the others forced him to do this, damn his heart for being persuaded it was a good cause. The one upside is that talking to Natasha did seem to work and with any luck she’d be able to fix her mistakes with you. If she didn’t he did all this for nothing and may very well hulk out.

---

Natasha paces back and forth in her room. If Bruce was right (and she has no reason to believe he would lie) you didn’t run away because you didn’t like her, you ran away because you thought she didn’t like you. She winces when she thinks about it. Looking back she can see why you were mistaken and thought she didn’t have true feelings for you because she did treat you like a mark. She analyzed what hairstyle and dress you would like and wore her good luck heels. Even the way she talked and acted was calculated to be exactly what you’d like.

She’s stupid, so stupid and if she had just asked you out in a normal way instead of trying to seduce you she could be on a brunch date with you right now. It had never occurred to her to try it any other way, she was taught that seducing was the easiest way to get people to like you so why should it be different for a normal date? In hindsight using red room techniques to get a date is a horrible idea and she can’t believe she didn’t see it before. Maybe she hasn’t shaken off the red room ideals as much as she thought she had.

The thought scares her, her entire life upon leaving the red room has been dedicated to being a force for good, the opposite of everything the red room stood for so to realize that they still have their claws in deeper than she thought is terrifying. She takes a deep breath and tries to make it go away, which is mostly successful as the thought is reduced to the back of her mind. She can take her thoughts and analyze them later, which is another thing the red room taught her to do she notes, but right now she has to focus on the thing that’s most important, fixing her mistake.

As she walks through the halls to your room she runs through things she should say in her head but nothing sounds right. Perhaps it’s for the best though, that way you can tell she’s genuine and not performing another script. She pauses as she reaches your door, finding herself almost shaking with nerves. What if you don’t want her anymore or Bruce misunderstood or worst of all you still think she doesn’t care?

She almost turns around and goes back, unfamiliar with this type of fear but she knows that if she does all chances of fixing things and having a relationship with you will be reduced to zero. Taking a deep breath she turns the knob and pushes the door open.

You don’t look right away when you hear the door open, too lazy to care. “What took you so long, you were supposed to be back with the ice cream ages ago.”

“I-”

You spin around quickly. “You’re not Carol.”

“Nor do I have ice cream.” She tries to joke but it falls flat.

“Why are you here?” you ask and she winces. It’s blunt and straight to the point, your tone quiet but practically screaming at her to get out.

Since you got straight to the point she decides to do the same. “To ask you out.”

You must look even more shocked than you feel because she quickly jumps in to explain. “That’s what I was trying to do at the party last night, although I know you assumed that I didn’t mean it. I know you noticed the heels and I know I was smirking and it seemed like I was playing you but it really was genuine, I was just trying to do it the wrong way. I was always taught in the red room that to get people to like you romantically the best way to do that is to seduce them but obviously that is wrong and I didn’t realize until too late.”

There’s a lot of information to take in but your mind gets stuck on one question. “How do you know all that about how I felt?”

“Carol talked to Bruce who talked to me.” she says, looking slightly embarrassed at how elementary that sounds. “So?”

“So what?” You know she wants to know if you’ll go out with her for real and you really want to immediately say yes but you also want to hear her ask you properly.

She seems to understand. “Will you go on a date with me Y/n?”

You hesitate one moment before responding. It’s unnecessarily mean but you just spent a good portion of last night and this morning crying over her and besides, she looks absolutely adorable as she shifts her weight from side to side nervously. She looks exactly how you want her to look, no makeup and wearing sweatpants. It’s natural and genuine and everything you would have loved to see last night.

“Yes.”

“Oh thank god.” she laughs in relief, the pitch of it breathier than normal.

“I like it when you do that.” you tell her.

She furrows her brow, confused. “Do what?”

“When you laugh like that or wear old clothes, like you’re not trying to impress me.” you explain.

“So when I do the opposite of what I did last night?” she asks, laughing at herself for being so stupid. Of course you didn’t fall for all the acts, if you did she wouldn’t like you as much as she does. You make her feel different and that’s a good thing, she shouldn’t have to act around you.

“Yeah, don’t get me wrong last night was hot,” you tell her, “but it’s not you. That’s agent Romanoff putting on whatever mask she needs to be for the night, this here is my Tasha.”

“Your Tasha, huh,” she teases, “possessive much?”

“Sorry.”

“No,” she tells you, “I like it. I don’t need to put a mask on around you because you’re you and I am your Tasha. But you’re also mine.”

“All yours.” you confirm and she visibly shivers. “Apparently I’m not the only possessive one.”

“Apparently.” she says looking at you in a way that makes heat rise to your cheeks.

“Since we wasted time last night maybe we could start with a movie date right now?” you suggest shyly, changing the topic.

“Well we do have time to make up for.” she agrees, sitting down on the bed beside you. “What movie?”

“Mulan.” you tell her pressing the remote to drop the tv down into your room. There were definitely benefits to living with Tony.

“A disney movie?” she asks skeptically.

“Have you seen it?” you ask already knowing the answer before she shakes her head. “Then don’t knock it, it’s a great movie.”

“If you say so.” she says, still slightly skeptical but much more open to it. Even if the movie is garbage she doesn’t think she’d mind watching it with you. She definitely doesn’t mind it when your head drops onto your shoulder and you fall asleep, tired from the emotional rollercoaster you just went on. And when the movie ends she doesn’t move, happy to have you there, even when hours later her shoulder is all tense and cramped. It scares her how much she feels for you already but it also feels freeing, she knows she is not just the product of the red room because their biggest rule is to not fall in love and she’s definitely going to break that soon, if she hasn’t already.

---

Taglist: @fayhar@xxxtwilightaxelxxx@acertainredhead@madamevirgo@megaqueenmaeve@cherryblossomskye@aaron-despair@chickenhavewisdom@emril-osvigne@nyankitty987@agathaharkness-simp@midnight-lestrange@usernames-are-difficult (couldn't tag)@thewidowsghost@nyx-aira@stephanieromanoff@Satxnsupreme@likefirenrain@wlwlovesreading@natashadeservedbetter@stop-drop-and-drumroll@peggycarter-steverogers@casperlikej@redswing@mochamoff@king-star@blackbat2020

[aro-is-gay-af]

Why do I think Resume will end up with Volturi - an attempt to explain Bella/Renesmee relationship

As within the fandom nobody likes Renee (no wonder why) I'd like to make an attempt at explaining to y'all what's like to have a parent like her (because I've got the same problem) and why this is going to cause problem over the years between Bella and Renesmee. This post will include such things as explaining:

why being in a relationship like this is so tiresome

what kind of effect has it on Bella

why Bella is just the same towards Renesmee as her mother was to her

why Bella and Renessme dynamics as mother/daughter aren't as fantastic

why is it so probable that Renesmee will eventually join the Volturi and what may be her reasons to do so.

1. Someone, who's never been in the kind of relationship that Bella and Renee have, is not going to catch up quickly with the point that I'm making in this post. Why? Because it's hard to imagine yourself being in an abusive or neglectful relationship with a person, who is a close relative of yours. You never want to acknowledge that something is wrong and instead, you're trying to find excuses for the person's abusive behavior. Fandom agrees on the fact, that Renee is, at best, neglectful of Bella, while at worst, she's downright abusive. I agree with both statements and in a moment you'll know why. You also need to know that everything I'll write here is from my experience from being in such a relationship hence it doesn't mean everyone will have the same experiences as myself. Now, why is such a relationship so tiresome and you struggle to find your true self in it? In my case, very similarly to Bella, I became responsible for things I shouldn't be responsible for at a very young age. I didn't have the time to actually be a kid because I needed to handle "adult responsibilities". When you have adults' responsibilities you lose something beyond reclaim. You'll never go back to your childhood and be a child once again. I was forced, not only to handle myself, but also my brother and mother, and our household. I didn't have time to do most things that kids do cause I was taking care of my brother, or my mother, or doing chores, or anything that was supposed to be done by adults, except it wasn't. While all of this made me extremely responsible, it also made me anxious, bitter towards my parents and I suffered from depression for a long time. I read somewhere that Bella is exaggerating and it's normal to help your parents within the house, to have responsibilities. The problem here is that Renee is Bella's responsibility in the same way my mother and brother were mine. You cannot give this up because you're too responsible but it also eats you from the insides. Also, if I remember correctly, Bella says somewhere in the book that she doesn't mind this because that's how things are for a long time. That's exactly what I'm talking about! When such responsibilities are forced on you at a very young age, you accept it and think it is natural. It isn't. Adult are adults, and kids should be kids, not kids forced into adulthood.

2. + 3. When you don't have time to be a child and you're forced into the adult world, there's always going to be some consequences that you cannot foresee prior. To Bella it ended actually sadly - we can see in the book, as well as in the movie, that Renesmee is almost as an accessory to Bella. Sure, Bella dies for her, but what else? Renesmee is described as mature and serious, she doesn't want to do things that kids usually do. Why? Smeyer made her this way, yeah, but apart from that, it's because Bella cannot handle a kid. The idea of full family appeared to her because she never had it herself. And while she admits that she doesn't even want children in Eclipse, suddenly in Breaking Dawn we see her change her mind completely. All she ever wanted was a) Edward and b) to be a vampire. So when she has these two goals achieved, why would she even bother with Renesmee? So Resume is mature enough and growing up quickly to relieve Bella from the burden of maternity.

4. Also, I'm not saying that Bella doesn't love Renesmee. Of course she does. Renesmee, also, loves her dearly. It's the same dynamics as between my and my mother, and between Bella and Renee. Bella loves Renne but needs to take care of her and be the responsible adult™. It also tires her, as she needs to think about how to handle the business in the most effective (and cheapest) way.

I think we can establish by now that love has nothing to do with this. So, because of her childhood and the poor illustrations of how relationships should work, Bella is exactly the same towards Renesmee as Renee (and partially Charlie) was to her. She thinks Renesmee is able to handle herself fine - she's constantly throwing at us proves that Renesmee is mature enough to do almost everything adults do. It's bullshit, of course, but Bella isn't aware of that. It's how she was brought up (or it's rather the lack of bringing her up by responsible adult) and she thinks it's the best way to fulfill parental duties.

As I said earlier, Bella is all smiles because she's got what she wanted - Edward and immortality. Yeah, it's great she has a daughter too, but like... hello, it's Edward and her and they have forever so why to bother with a child. It'll somehow work itself out. I will not ponder here on Edward being a father and how I see his relationship with Renesmee, however, I don't think it's pretty healthy either. Also, I need to add here, that Renesmee at least, has others (I mean other Cullens) who have probably more patience and time to actually raise a child. I think, and it's only a headcanon so take it easy, that Renesmee has excellent relationship with Rosalie. Rose will not treat her as adult - she'll prolong Renesmee's childhood as much as she's able to. She has time, patience, will and all love for her, so I think they're pretty close, and it would be a good, as well as a healthy relationship.

5. The older Renesmee will get, the more she'll be able to understand. Maybe the Cullens (and I hope it would turn out this way) would spare her this "being a premature adult" thing but her relationship with Bella will never be as close as she'd probably wish to. Sometimes, love isn't enough to keep up with the relationship and the shit that's going on around you constantly. One day, Renesmee will go to high school, then to university and then? Who the hell knows. She won't necessarily be with Bella. Sure, she'll be always her daughter, but she's not her property. At some point, Renesmee'll be mature enough to decide whether she wants to stay with her family, or travel, or join another coven. What I think, is that Bella won't be happy about it at all. Right now she has her fairy tale. She sacrificed nothing. She's living the life of her dreams with a man of her utmost desire. She has a child, even though vampires aren't suppose to have ones. What will happen if there will be a crack in her tale? Long, nasty cracks, throughout the wall. This is when I get to the point that Bella has no fucking clue what mess she got herself into (but that's for another post).

6. Holy Grail now. Lord, I'm always making this so long, this was supposed to be brief. Okay. So why do I think Renesmee will end up with the Volturi? A few reasons off the top of my head:

※ at some point Jacob will die and Charlie will die, and she'll now what's grief and how hard it is to go on. Yeah, yeah, I know that Jacob is also immortal right now, but he'll probably be killed while protecting Renesmee or Bella. I always think of their relationship as brother/sister because I cannot stand the imprinting shit Smeyer gave us. Also, I think I don't need to explain Charlie here. Renesmee will be devastated by both of these deaths and she'll have to come to terms with herself eventually. I guarantee you that she'll not be the same after that.

※ relationship with her parents. I briefly explained what I had on my mind when it comes to Bella. Renesmee loves her mother but that doesn't mean they'll have healthy and exemplary relationship. Sure, they can work on that, they have eternity but I think that at one point Renesmee will be fed up with the way how her mother is in love with eternity itself. Her relationship with Edward, as I said, is for another post, however I think with time it can get pretty hard. Could you live with the thought that your own father didn't want you? That he regretted that you exist at all? I don't think so. (Yeah, I'm simplifying, but I need to, so don't hate me for this).

※ Cullen coven can break or partially break. @therealvinelle talked about it here a little bit but that's also what I have in mind. Cullens are fairly young coven, with pretty unknown dynamics as we don't get to know them that much through saga (thanks Smeyer for not dwelling on it further). It isn't said anywhere that they'll last next century, not to think about more time passing.

※ she'll be fed up with constantly living with the humans. Imagine you need to constantly move, go to school/college and abide the rules that you didn't agree on in the first place. At first its great, Renesmee has time and reasources to flourish but she can also do that without anoyone else.

※ she has rampant hunger for knowledge. Where to find more books and more knowledge than in Volterra? Simple as it is.

※ she may not find vegetarian diet... sustainable for her. Remember how she was delighted when she drank first Bella's blood and than human blood in general? I think she can go on for some time on vegetarian diet plus/or human diet (if she was to attend i.e. med school which of course I think she would) but after some time, maybe a century, maybe less and maybe more, she'll eventually come to terms that she enjoyed drinking human blood. That's it. She's half vampire by descent. I don't think she'll be able to resist that much , also because everyone taught her from day one she could have what she asked for in a blink of an eye (remember Esme's spoons?).

AND most important (at least for me)

※ her worldview will completely change after a few/a lot of tragical experiences. Sorry, that's just common knowledge. Life is brutal, people are vicious and ruthless. She'll probably work or go somewhere, where she can see what humans are capable of (both in good and bad ways) and what one can do to achieve their goal. I think she'll go to Volturi to simply find comfort there. They've been alive for three thousand years. They can teach her things Cullen's aren't even aware of. Besides, I think it would be a great political move. We all know Aro wanted to know her so bad. If he would, she'll probably be able to influence him to some extent and spare her loved ones if it'd go that far. That's it! Of course, it's fucking long as hell. Sorry for that. Comment if you wish. I cannot wait if you think the same, similar or if you disagree completely! But no hate, please. Professionals have standards™.

[bat-eclecticwolfbouquet-love]

Do you have any type of writing tips? When I write most of the times I get lazy other times my wording isn't good enough and nearly nobody notices my work or bothers to read it. All of this resulted in me deleting everything I wrote. Since your writing is so good. I just wanted know if you have any sort of advice?

I'm flattered that anyone would ask me for tips. I'm sorry you are feeling like this but I get it. My writing needs so much improvement but let's see.

1. Pace yourself. Do not burn out. I know alot of times people will post so much at once and it will kill your enthusiasm.

2. Don't try to please everyone, you can't. Wriye from the heart of well what's be5ween your legs if you do smut. Chances are if it turns you on it will others.

3. Make sure to tag your stuff. For instance I use the most popular tags (Shigaraki x reader Shigaraki tomura x reader tomura Shigaraki x reader Shigaraki smut mha fic. Make sure you are tagging things that are triggers but do these last. That way the character tag will show up.

4. Don't be in a hurry to post. Read it over several times then let it sit cause I guarantee you'll see something you could of changed.

5. I usually start by making a very rough draft that bullet points all the main ideas I want to do. Then go back and add more. And keep doing that. When your done proof read several times.

6. I have a cheat sheet of words or phrases I like (literary 9 docs full) so I'll go through there and put them in the draft somewhere to see if I can add them later.

7. Jot down any inspiration you get during the day. That's when my best ideas are scense come to me, at work, so I would quickly type them up.

8. Read other fics. You may see a term or a way of describing something that you like just make sure to not straight out copy it.

9. It helps to get reblogs by other writing accounts. I only reblog Shigaraki stuff on my blog but if you write for him I'd be happy to reblog. Reblogs are life on here and are not done enough.

10. Don't compare yourself to others. I do this. Tumblr is not really popular and declining. I've seen great fics get no attention. My stuff use to easily get over 300 in 2 days now it takes a month. I see other writers who use to get 1000s in a week get 200.

11. DO NOT FORCE IT. Let the writing flow. If you have to force it people can tell and write what you want. Just know people want it to apply to them so describing has to be vague and it can be difficult although for me I can easily read a fic with flat chested or chubby reader and change it in my head to a busty girl like me so I'm never offended but alot are

12. Don't use the same word all the time. I'd your writing cock everytime (in the same fic) it gets old use different terms (dick hardness length etc)

13. Check spelling and grammar. There are apps but you can have someone proof read. I'm so bad at not proof reading. Feel free to ask people for help as well.

14. Use readmires on long fics and put warnings at the start as well.

If I think of anything else I'll add to this and if anyone wants to add something please do. I hope you see this and it helps. 💖

[ambiguousdisorderken]

in your expert opinion what are some of the most destiel-heavy episodes of spn? i stopped watching around season 7 and have no interest in engaging w the plot of the show at all but i’m in the mood for some gay yearning ykwim

Hi anon! Thank you for reaching out to me about this, I’m, no-joke, very flattered. I’d seen a couple posts on this same question, very thorough and detailed lists on Destiel-centric episodes, but at the moment I cannot find any of them, that would’ve answered your request much faster. So, in advance, sorry, my reply is probably coming in extremely late, but I did write this from scratch, so yeah.

Even though storylines in SPN can be very shitty and hollow, I do feel that to get the full Destiel experience -that long-drawn yearning- one would have to watch the entirety of the show, even if Cas isn’t in the episode or if there’s no explicit mention of their relationship/bond because it gives you a better understanding of them as characters and of how their relationship affects the narrative.

Now, you mentioned you stopped around S7, which is completely understandable and justified given the Dick plot game was very weak and, in my opinion, annoying (so little Cas!). I’m going to start listing from S7 in case you want to refresh your SPN before jumping straight into unseen episodes. Also, since you mentioned no interest in the plot and are specifically craving those sweet crumbs of gay yearning, I’ll skip most one-sided / too subtle episodes and cut to the chase.

Lastly, I hate spoiling things, but you’ve probably seen it all on Tumblr. I tried to keep the episodes’ descriptions short, as it might come in useful. Stuck to key words, quotes and/or little comments.

 Season 7

7x01 – Meet the New Boss: Godstiel, sincere apology. Cas: “I'm gonna find some way to redeem myself to you.”

7x02 – Hello, Cruel World: Mourning. Trench coat melancholy. The heart-wrenching eulogy: “Dumb son of a bitch.”

7x17 – The Born-Again Identity: Emmanuel!Cas, reunion, longing, hurt.

7x21 – Reading is Fundamental: Honey!Cas, hug, hurt, reunion, that painful SORRY (board game) scene.

7x23 – Survival of the Fittest: Honey!Cas, forgiveness, adorable, wified Cas. Dean hits us with: “Nobody cares that you're broken, Cas!" but also “I'd rather have you, cursed or not.”

Season 8 (this season is so good and Destiel is the driving motor of it, I swear. If you can, watch it complete.)

8x01 – We Need to Talk About Kevin: Dean in Purgatory looking for the angel.  Cas is referred to as “your [Dean’s] angel.”

8x02 – What’s Up, Tiger Mommy?: HUG!!!, Purgatory reunion, face touch, very romantic. Monster: “ You'll find your angel there.” //  Dean: “Let me bottom-line it for you. I'm not leaving here without you.”

8x05 – Blood Brother: Cas vs. Benny cat fight lol. Dean: “Cas... we're gonna shove your ass back through the eye of that needle if it kills all three of us.”

8x07 – A Little Slice of Kevin: Cas comes back from Purgatory, but before that Dean starts seeing him in places. Very tragic; hallucinating your dead significant other trope. Has That boner scene. Dean: “I did everything I could to get you out! EVERYTHING!” Cas helps Dean see what truly happened in Purgatory and not his self-altered memories. PACKED!

8x08 – Hunteri Heroici: Hilarious, romantic, intimate. Dean and Cas have an heart to heart. They actually communicate. Cas “I’ll watch over you.”

8x10 Torn and Frayed: They work a case together, and when I say heart eyes…

8x17 – Goodbye Stranger: THIS. EPISODE. Dean “I need you.”

8x19 – Taxi Driver: Separation. Naomi to Dean: "You're hoping Castiel will return to you. I admire your loyalty; I only wish he felt the same way."

8x22 – Clip Show: Lack of trust, hurt, tense interactions. Romantic too (basically, Cas gets Dean an apology basket).

8x23 – Sacrifice: Meaningful conversation and a gay couple hit by Cupid parallel. Dean “So this is it? E.T goes home?"

 Season 9

9x01 – I think I’m Gonna Like it Here: Dean prays to Cas IN.A.CHAPEL. Worry, longing, separation. Dean “Please, man, I need you here.”

9x03 – I’m No Angel: Human!Cas and jealous!Dean.

9x06 – Heaven Can’t Wait: Human!Cas TEXT-BOOK LONGING. GAY AS FUCK. Gazing, touching, they even TALK (for real).

9x09 – Holy Terror: Adorable Cas, flirty vibes, happyish, funny. Cas: “Cas is back in town!”

9x10 – Road Trip: Cas comforts Dean, Cas and Crowley bitching at each other, overall protective!Cas.

9x18 – Metafiction. Cas finds out about the Mark of Cain.

9x21 – King of the Damned: Hug, strong boyfriends vibes.

9x22 – Stairway to Heaven: Cas gives up an entire army, for Dean. Metatron about Cas “He's in love………………………. with humanity.”

9x23  – Do You Believe in Miracles?: At this point, it’s canon stated that Cas will do anything and lose everything if that means saving Dean. Metatron to Cas “You draped yourself in the flag of heaven, but ultimately, it was all about saving one human, right?”

 Season 10

10x01 – Black: Demon!Dean and sick/brokenhearted Cas in a slutty robe missing his man.

10x03 – Soul Survivor: ICONIC. Angel on Demon action! Cas turns down Hannah because he’s too gay and in love. Intimate Deancas talk.

10x05 – Fan Fiction: No Cas, but Destiel references. 

10x09 – The Things We Left Behind: That.Lunch.Date. Deancas introduction to co-parenting.

10x14 – The Executioner’s Song: We get Daddy Murder aka Cain. This is a Pivotal episode to understand Dean’s character development. Plus, it has Deancas interactions.

10x16 – Paint It Black: No Cas, but Dean opens up in confessionary; repressed BISEXUAL AS FUCK.

10x18 – Book of the Damned: Charlie meets Cas. Gay energies everywhere. Cute domestic little scene.

10x20 – Angel Heart: PARENTING! Essential to understand Cas from this point forward.

10x22 – The Prisoner: Just… just watch it. One of THEE Destiel episodes.

10x23 – Brother’s Keeper: No Deancas interactions but it’s the finale, and I recommend watching it because next season takes off literally right from here. No time jumps.

 Season 11

11x02 – Form and Void: Could skip to the very end which is when Cas comes back.

11x03 – The Bad Seed: Cursed!Cas. Dean takes care of him, even wraps him in a blanket. He also cradles his face. Extreme Hurt/Comfort. Jacting joices rejoice.

11x10 – The Devil in the Details: Could skip but has Casifer in it. Interesting to see his dynamic with Dean.

11x18 – Hell’s Angel: Casifer. Dean "It? It's not an it, Sam, it's Cas!"

11x23 – Alpha and Omega: Huggg! Cas willing to go on a guaranteed suicide mission with Dean. Very tender and sad.

 Season 12

12x02 – Keep Calm and Carry On: ANOTHER HUG! Dean presents his boyfriend to his mom<3 Soft and romantic.

12x09 – First Blood: Reunion hug<3, Cas pining… as in he counts his every minute without Dean.

12x10 – Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets: Direct parallel with canon couple. Crystal-clear mutual affection. One of the best. Angel Ishim to Cas about Dean “I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna cure you of your human weakness same way I cured my own… by cutting it out.”

12x12 – Stuck in the Middle with You: A dying Cas confesses his love. “I love you. I love all of you.”

12x19 – The Future: We find out Dean gave Cas a MIXTAPE!!! Very romantic and full of yearning, also worry and what could be seen as a betrayal (ish…).

12x23 – All Along the Watch Tower: Hands down, one of the most distressing Destiel episodes. Cas dies.

 Season 13

13x01 – Lost and Found: This is the worst because you have Dean trying to assimilate Cas’ death. Core of Dean’s widow’s arc. Jack introduction, that’s their new kid.

13x02 – The Rising Son: Widow’s arc (you could skip it, but why would you?).

13x03 – Patience: Widow’s arc (you could skip it, but why would you?). Dean to Sam “He manipulated him, he made him promises, said, ‘paradise on earth’ and Cas bought it and you know what that got him? It got him dead! Now you might be able to forget about that, but I can���t!”

13x04 – The Big Empty: Continuation of widow’s arc and Cas wakes up in the Empty. The Empty to Cas: "I know who you love. There's nothing for you back there." // Dean to Sam “I need you to keep the faith, for both of us. ‘Cause right now, I… Right now, I don’t believe in a damn thing.”

13x05 – Advanced Thanatology: Suicidal and hopeless Dean gets his win. Cas comes back. Gives me the chills.

13x06 – Tombstone: COWBOY BOYFRIENDS!

13x14 – Good Intentions: Happy and fun Destiel scene. So Very Married.

13x23 – Let The Good Times Roll: Season finale, Dean talks about retiring (plans include Cas of course) and just very nice to see them interact.

Season 14

14x03 – The Scar: Reunion.

14x08 – Byzantium: Deanand Cas dealing with their child’s death, then bringing him back by Cas making a deal with the Empty. IMPORTANT EPISODE.

14x09 – The Spear: Cas uses the royal We – married behavior.

14x10 – Nihilism: Dean is stuck in his own mind, and Cas and Sam try to bring him back. Cas “Please, you have to -- you have to try to remember, because the people in your life -- in your real life, out there -- we need you to come back.”

14x12 – Prophet and Loss: Dean gets his very own Dr. Sexy, aka Dr. Cas.

14x14 – Ouroboros: Basically another date (their kid tags along) and They TALK. Very intimate and established marriage vibes.

14x18 – Absence: Shits starts to go south. [ Dean: “Who cares what Jack said? We don't know what happened! But I swear, if he did something to her, if she is -- (points to Castiel) Then you're dead to me. (Castiel looks crushed after Dean says that).]

14x20 – Moriah: Tense and very upsetting. Relationship very damaged.

 Season 15 (I would advise watching the entire season because it relies heavily on Destiel. They’re the heart and the emotional motor leading the plot onwards.)

15x01 – Back and To The Future: Deancas’ in the aftermath of their kid’s death. Tension gets worse.

15x02 – Raising Hell: Tension rises, this is very intense. Cas “Dean. You asked, "What about all of this is real?" We are.”

15x03 – The Rupture: Breaking point ends in divorce.

15x06 – Golden Time: Painful phone call which speaks volumes about the current state of their relationship at the time. Also, good to see where they’re standing and how they’re coping.

15x08 – Our Father Who Aren’t in Heaven: Strained relationship so obvious they’re offered couples’ therapy.

15x09 – The Trap: MASTERPIECE. Back to Purgatory. Can (and is) taken as Dean’s love confession (because it is). 

15x12 – Galaxy Brain: So married. Little domestic date, you can see LOVE written in their faces.

15x13 – Destiny’s Child: AU!Dean and Sam. Not a yearning episode per se, but AU!Dean? SO GAY.

15x17 – Unity: God reveals that the only act of free will in any universe he ever created has been Cas choosing Dean.

15x18 – Despair: Cas confesses his love to Dean.

[captain-kriegy]

Them taking 10 minutes after the ceremony to just be together before the dancing starts. What do you think that would look like?

Thank you for this prompt! I'm putting the drabble under a keep reading for convenience :)

Please submit Maya x Carina prompts and I'll get through as many as I can! Please note that I probably won't do them in an exact order but I'll try for a rough order. And I'm not guaranteeing I'll do them all, but I'll do my best.

After the ceremony ends, Maya grabs Carina’s arm and tugs her around the corner and into the bathroom. She pins Carina against the door gently before cupping her face with her hand.

“Is everything okay?” Carina asks, her hands instinctually sliding to the top of Maya’s ass.

“More than,” Maya replies, a small smile on her face. “You’re my wife,” she adds, the smile widening.

“I love you, my wife,” Carina tells her. She can’t wait for a lifetime of calling Maya her wife.

“I’m sorry, again���” Maya starts, and Carina cuts her off, pulling her in for a soft kiss, communicating all her feelings. She pulls back after a moment, and brings a hand up to stroke Maya’s neck and jaw gently as Maya bites back her tears.

“No apologies, it was perfect. You’re perfect.”

“You are not only my favorite person, my best friend, the love of my life, but you make me a better me. You challenge me and you’re the only person who can calm me down and you’re patient but you know how to hold me accountable and love me fully. I love you and I admire you and I can’t believe you are my wife,” Maya tells her. “I was going to learn how to say the last part in Italian but I forgot and the only thing I know how to say in Italian is ti amo and I promise I’ll learn more of that soon because I want to know all of you, Carina. I want to know your culture and your language and visit your hometown. I want everything.”

Carina finally lets herself cry, safe in Maya’s arms, hidden in the bathroom, a few chuckles escaping her at the oddity of it all.

“I think I prefer our private vows,” Carina replies, Maya wiping a tear away and pressing their foreheads together. “I will share mine once I stop crying,” she adds. Maya lets her other hand roam down Carina’s side, resting on her hip gently. “They’re going to wonder where we are,” Carina mumbles, suddenly feeling off kilter.

“It’s our wedding, let them wonder,” Maya assures her. Carina smiles and takes one of Maya's hands in her own for a moment, squeezing gently.

“Maya, my life changed the first time I saw you in the hospital carrying a nose in a plastic bag,” Carina starts, a smile breaking out on both of their faces. “You caught my eye. Then again, you caught my eye at the bar. You’d catch my eye a million times in a million universes. And then from that first night at Joe’s…I just knew there was something between us that I’d never felt before. Watching you grow and learn to love yourself the same way I love you has been a privilege. And although my brother isn’t here,” Carina pauses at that, getting choked up. Maya hugs her and holds her close for a moment before pulling back. “Although Andrea isn’t here, I know he hoped I would marry you one day. And I couldn’t have possibly made it through that…loss…without you by my side, giving me a reason to live, to hope for a better tomorrow. When I think about my future, I think about waking up next to you and traveling with you and kissing you and I feel…safe. I love you more than I ever knew anyone could love, Maya.”

By the end of Carina’s vows, both of them are sobbing. “That was so good,” Maya laughs through her tears. “I’m glad we got to do this just for us.”

“Nobody else has to know that we are sappy and make each other sob,” Carina replies, laughing as well. Maya wipes Carina’s tear-stained cheeks and then leans in for a kiss. One kiss turns into another turns into another, their bodies pressed tight together and their kisses morphing from loving to passionate. Just as Maya is about to complain about how Carina’s jumpsuit isn’t very practical for this, someone knocks on the door, causing them to break apart.

“Maya? Carina? It’s Vic. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

Maya laughs and Carina playfully squeezes her ass. “We’re good, we’ll be out in a minute,” Maya yells. She tugs Carina towards the mirror and they fix their makeup, glad they had opted for waterproof options. “I can’t wait for tonight,” Maya mumbles, raising an eyebrow playfully.

“Tonight and every other night for the rest of forever,” Carina replies, pressing a kiss on her wife’s forehead.

“Forever and ever. Amen.”

[massivedrickhead]

Survival Comes With Sacrifice

The Stowaway/Bechloe AU no one asked for and no one wants to read.

This will spoil the shit out of the ending of Stowaway so be warned!

Angst ahead. I mean… you’ve seen the film, you know what happens…

Thank you to @zoe-levenson for being my beta for this 💖

Read on AO3

With her hands resting on the back of her head, her elbows digging painfully into her thighs, Beca forced herself to slow her breathing down.

In. Out. In. Out.

If she didn’t prevent a panic attack - and quickly - then it would be too late. She wouldn’t be able to do what she needed to do.

In. Out.

Just like she’d taught Chloe.

Chloe…

No. If she thought about Chloe now, she’d lose any resolve she had.

She could hear the muffled sniffling of her crew around her, the heavy breathing of Stacie, who had just returned to the ship with her.

No one wanted to say it, but she knew they were all thinking it.

“I dropped it,” Beca said, voicing that collective thought. Her voice catching despite every effort to keep it steady.

“It was an accident,” Chloe said, her own voice calm.

Beca had no idea how she could be calm right now. The second they received warning of the solar storm and Beca and Stacie had had to abandon their mission, Chloe must have known that was it for her.

“And someone’s going to die because of it,” Beca said, not meeting her eye.

“We still have one canister up there. Maybe… if we could get to it, three of us will make it,” Stacie said.

“The storm will last hours,” Commander Aubrey Posen said, clenching the fist of her broken arm, hoping the pain will keep her grounded. “By the time it’s safe to go out there, there’ll be nothing left.”

“But-”

“We’re talking deadly radiation. A guaranteed death sentence.”

“I’ll go,” Chloe said. “It’s my fault we’re even in this mess.”

“You aren’t trained for this,” Aubrey said. “I know you want to help, but if you don’t make it back, another one of us will still die.”

Chloe let out a huff of frustration. “I can try,” she said.

“You aren’t throwing your life away on the off chance you’ll make it,” Stacie said. “I’ll-”

“No,” Beca said, cutting her off. “You have a partner back home. A family. We... I lost one canister. That’s one life gone,” she said. She looked up and made eye contact with Aubrey, her commander. Her friend. “If we don’t get the other, that’s another life gone.”

“No,” Aubrey said.

“I’m the one who dropped it.”

“Don’t even think about it.”

“I can do this,” Beca said, smiling now. “It should be me.”

“Beca,” Chloe said, her voice finally showing some fear. “Please. You can’t do this. I can’t let you do this.”

“I’m not asking for permission,” Beca said, still trying not to look at her. She looked at Aubrey again. “I can do this.”

Aubrey blinked back tears, and nodded. “You know I’d have done it if I could.”

“I know,” Beca said, standing and pulling up her suit.

“Beca, please don’t do this,” Chloe said, sobbing now. “Please don’t leave me. We’ll think of something else.”

“If I do this, all three of you live. If I don’t, two of us will still die,” Beca said. “Think about your sister back home. Think about Stacie’s family. Aubrey’s family. There’s no one waiting for me to come home. It should be me.”

“No!” Chloe said, shouting now. Angry tears spilling down her face. “This can’t be the only way. You can’t throw your life away.”

“I can,” Beca said. “If it means you all live, then I can. And I’m happy to.”

“Someone say something! Aubrey? Stacie? You’re going to let her do this?”

“Chloe,” Stacie said, softly, “this is the only way.”

Chloe let out a scoff.

“I know this is hard,” Aubrey said, putting her hand on Chloe’s arm.

“I don’t want to do this without you, Beca,” Chloe said, pulling away from Aubrey. “I love you.”

“Please don’t make this harder,” Beca said.

“You aren’t going to say it back?”

“Of course I fucking love you,” Beca said, closing her eyes as tears spilled down her cheeks. “That’s why I have to do this.”

Stacie stood up and gave Beca a hug, their foreheads resting against each other.

“Send your kid to Yale,” Beca said, causing Stacie to laugh and cry at the same time.

“Asshole,” she said, sniffing. “I’m so sorry, Beca.”

“I know,” Beca said. She turned to look at Aubrey.

“It’s going to be rough out there,” Aubrey said, trying to keep her composure. “You’re gonna start feeling sick, tired, and you’re gonna be pelted by stuff that’s going to burn your skin.”

“I’ll try not to die before I get the canister back,” Beca said.

“You know you won’t be able to come back in,” Aubrey said. “And we won’t be able to communicate once you go outside.”

“I know,” Beca said.

“So she dies alone too?” Chloe said.

“Chloe, you aren’t helping,” Stacie said.

“Fuck you, I don’t want to make this easy. I don’t want this to happen at all,” Chloe replied, her voice laced with fury.

“Nobody wants this,” Aubrey said. “If there was literally any other option we’d be doing this.”

“Chloe, I killed someone when I dropped that canister. If I do this, you live. Stacie lives. Aubrey lives.”

“But you don’t,” Chloe said, her voice breaking.

“I know,” Beca said. “But I fought so hard to keep you alive. So that’s what I’m gonna do.”

“Baby, please.” Chloe cupped Beca’s face with her hands and kissed her.

“I need you to make it, Chlo’,” Beca said, closing her eyes as Chloe’s thumbs stroked along her face. “You need to survive. You can’t give up once I’m gone.”

“Beca, it’s time,” Aubrey said.

“Okay,” Beca said, taking a deep breath. “Okay. I love you all.”

“No,” Chloe said.

“Please make it to Mars, and make it home. Get them to make a statue of me or something.”

“Beca, please.”

“It’s okay, Chloe.”

“No it isn’t!”

Beca took a step back, out of Chloe’s embrace, and put her helmet back on.

“I love you,” she said, moving towards the airlock.

“No!”

She grabbed Beca’s arm and pulled her back.

Aubrey and Stacie each took one of Chloe’s arms and pulled her away from Beca.

Beca rested her hand on the airlock door, and took one last look at them.

Chloe was fighting to get away from the others, and had even managed to remove her arm from Stacie’s grasp.

Beca pushed down on the handle, opened the airlock, and stepped inside. Chloe broke free as she closed the door behind her.

She couldn’t hear what she was saying, but she could see Chloe screaming and banging against the glass of the door.

Beca gave her one last look, and climbed the ladder up and out of the hatch.

The journey up the tether was worse this time, but she felt less afraid. Her fate had been sealed the second she stepped out into the storm, and now all she had to do was make it up and down without dropping the canister.

As she climbed up to the halfway point, the canister attached securely, she really began to feel it. Her head was throbbing and she was nauseous and tired, and her body was sore and burning. She licked her dry lips and felt a sharp sting. They were already chapped and blistering.

Going down was easier, but she took her time, knowing she couldn’t drop this one.

She landed gently, the canister safe in her arms, and walked back towards the hatch on shaky legs.

She saw Chloe watching her through the window, her face tear streaked.

Beca held up the canister in triumph, and carried on her walk.

She opened the hatch and lowered it back into the airlock.

She wished she could go back in. She knew she was done for. She couldn’t be saved. But she wished she could die with her friends at her side. With Chloe holding her hand. Maybe with an extra dose of pain meds to ease her off to sleep before she died.

But she supposed it could be worse.

Better this than slowly suffocating.

Better this than having to watch Chloe die. Or Aubrey or Stacie.

She sat down on the edge of the walkway, her legs dangling off into open space.

Her breathing was getting ragged now, and she was still being peppered by bursts of radiation.

But at least the view was good.

Her eyes remained fixed on the bright red star ahead, and her last thoughts were of home, and Chloe.

[botwstoriesandsuch]

[Image ID: A screenshot of an anon asking saying “I just wanna say that your tags whenever you rb art and fics are so cute 🥺 you reblogged something of mine the other day and the tags were just so nice and innocent??? It’s like watching a little kid at an aquarium 😝so as an artist I thank you, hope you don’t take it as cringy” End ID]

- - - - - 

Cringey?? nonononono I may be a young kid watching the pretty fish swim aimlessly in the aquarium but I will

recklessly enjoy other people’s content don’t test me

I try to keep it in the tags cause I don’t wanna take away from the op’s original work, plus it makes it easier for other people to rb it from me, but I will amp up the love and appreciation when the situation calls for it. You could straight up come into my inbox or messages and just ask me to give you a reblog and I will do it, I do not care I love you, content creators.

Cringe Culture is dead it’s time to gush plus if I do this often enough people might do it more for me so it’s a win win hehe

Legit, I got a super sweet comment on one of my fics quoting something I wrote and it made me so happy so I was like “huh, guess I’ll do that more often then” and now I’m doing that, that’s how impressionable I am asdfghjk

Also hello?? specifically *my* tags helped you out?? I am a nobody, CLEARLY not enough people are doing this smh, allow me to teach the masses for a sec here

How To Make A Content Creator Happy: the world’s simplest guide to spreading serotonin through a keyboard

Step fucking one) You reblog it. I mean, that’s a given. You’ve all seen those “reblogs help creators out and likes do nothing” posts so I won’t rant too much. Likes are good, but reblogs are like handing someone a stack of a hundred dollars and all it takes is one click! 

(PRO TIP: Hold down the button and swipe for mobile, and hold the left alt button and click once for computer [though it will only rb to your main blog. if you want it for a side-blog then you’re stuck with two clicks but HEY two clicks to help out a creator you like is nothing!])

You share it! Just share stuff. Share the ao3 like, please do it. Don’t repost, don’t just mention it, give the links especially when you’re just in conversation or talking about it around plz I swear it does wonders

Ok moving on to the super simple stuff for commenting and putting stuff in the tags because I guarantee that the op will read them

write A N Y T H I N G and I literally mean anything just fucking:

!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sdjflksdjfkjh

?!?!?!?!!?

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhghghhhhhhhhh

:OOOOOOOOO

prettyyy

<33333333333333333

just fucking go ham, go nuts, it doesn’t need to be coherent it just needs to EXIST the very existence of someone enjoying someone’s content gives so much serotonin so stop being silent cowards and give us a smiley face from time to time

uh what else what else....hmm [golden rule is treat others the way you want to be treated, so if you’re a creator yourself, just give whatever you would want seen in the comments of your stuff! I mean that’s how I came up with all this...]

Point out the details! I mentioned earlier about quoting stuff from fics (that stuff is just 👌👌👌 so delicious) but I’m pretty sure (I’m not an artist myself don’t quote me) that the exact same effect is present when you talk about details in art or something. So talk about that pretty snowflake in the background! Or that piece of dialogue that made you laugh. Just a simple nod to the details is a big difference between saying “I like this” versus “I like this thing that you took the time to make the effort you put into the details did not go unnoticed”

just ALL the feedback please and thank you

this might vary from person to person, though personally I love when people are like “The way you write imagery is so good please do more!!” so just give a little nod to someone like “The way you draw this character is amazing please do more” or something like that

I wouldn’t go as far as to give criticism (although personally I’m the type of person that loves the occasionally critique for future reference, cause it means that you care as much as I do about the quality of my work) 

But along the same lines as the details thing, a nice nod to a creator about what they’re doing right is sooooo good! makes the butterflies flutter

                ~~~~~~Did that post give you emotions?~~~~~~

   G   O   O   D

 ~~FUCKING TELL US~~

THE ACT OF SOMEONE WRITING A SET OF LETTERS, OR SOMEONE SKETCHING A BLOB MADE ANOTHER DISTANT HUMAN BEING DEVELOP CHEMICALS IN THEIR BRAIN?? SURE WOULD LOVE TO KNOW THAT BECAUSE WOW THAT’S AMAZING!?!??

just go “I’m so happy” or “I’m so sad” just “TT__TT” just fucking “:OO” or just “I hate this” [HUMOURISTICALLY] and “I can’t believe you’ve done” just give it yes tell us the emotion that you have felt we love it

I don’t think enough people understand how amazing that is???? You were once in a normal, neutral state, and then a piece of content that I created just made you smile or laugh or cry like WHAT that’s amazing omg

Ok so that’s pretty much the simple stuff right, that’s your elementary classwork right there

Just give something, literally anything and just go “I love this so much!!!!!” bam done, you just murdered the op with your love, great job

So yeah, that’s that. Pretty simple stuff, no?

...but you wanna graduate to master class?

You wanna fucking go ape shit

you wanna just

g o    t o    town?

I said this was gonna be a simple guide so don’t worry, I’m not gonna tell you that you have to write a full length essay on every post that you come across

[BUT IF YOU WANT TO DON’T LET ME STOP YOU THAT WOULD ACTUALLY BE AMAZING?? HELL WRITING OUT A PARAGRAPH OF A COMMENT IS ALREADY JUST *CHEFS KISS* MASTERCLASS OF MURDERING THE OP WITH LOVE JUST ANALYZING THE SHIT OUT OF THE COLORS AND SHADING AND FRAMING OR JUST POINTING OUT THE THEMES AND SUBTEXT AND CHARACTERIZATION --part of the reason I love betaing stuff so much because I can analyze shit and shower it with premature love while also helping fics to be even better than they were originally ugh so cleansing for my literature heart-- SO YEAH GIVE CREATORS A PARAGRAPH, DARE I DREAM OF PARAGRAPHS, BECAUSE WOW YES PLEASE YES]

...ahem anyway

the way to graduate from good to great as a receiver of content is

to do all this

any of this

any of this simple stupid amazing shit

and just

put it in an ask or message

that’s literally it

Let me tell you why that’s so amazing, it pumps up the already amazing dopamine dosage of these actions alone, and multiplies it by a hundred, let me tell you why

Let’s say you read a drabble. You loved it, you reblogged it, you gave it hearts and emojis and ranted for a few tags about how it made you drop your muffin on the ground. Fantastic work, you just made the op pass out.

Then you go about your day and that’s the end of that.

BUT

if you do all that

and then put it in an ASK

dare you even a direct message?? (probably not most of us on here are cowards I get that)

but an ASK, anon or otherwise?

The message you just sent to the op was “I interacted with the post you made, and I loved it so much that I went the extra mile of going to your blog to make extra extra sure you understand how much I liked your thing”

There’s a wordless wall with every post! You like and reblog the thing and move on with your day. 

But the fact that YOU sent a HEART a SINGLE sentence about how you liked a thing? the fact that you BREACHED that wall and just fucking keyboard smashed in the inbox? the fact that you did that is the most amazing thing in the world

you just ambush the op with good vibes. we were expecting the bare minimum in the comments and tags, but the fact you when out of your way to make it a message or ask???? superb, outstanding, the sheer SHOCK of it will shift tectonic plates

you’re my fucking hero if you do this. you’re a godsend. I would kill for you,👏people👏would👏kill👏for👏you.

AT LEAST THEY WOULD KILL FOR YOU IF THIS ACTION DIDN’T ALREADY MURDER THEM

BE A MURDERER, NAY, A SERIAL KILLER. MURDER CONTENT CREATORS WITH LOVE

BE RECKLESSLY KIND AND LOVING YOU PIECE OF SHIT, ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO BE CRINGY TO STARVING AND DYING WRITERS AND ARTISTS WE WILL TAKE IT ALL GOD DAMMIT

YOU ARE A CHILD STARING UP AT AN AQUARIUM IN WONDER.

MAKE YOUR HAPPINESS STIR THE TIDES, LET YOUR PRESCENCE BE KNOWN PAST THE REFLECTION OF THE GLASS.

THE FISH ARE LOOKING FOR YOUR SMILE. 

[devildamn]

Well If I Can’t Have You

(A conversation between Lucifer and MC before the harem is official. They/them pronouns. second POV mixed with Third. Oof it’s a mess, idk how to write for ambiguous mcs lol im so new at this ;w;

Nobody gave me any prompts but I so badly wanna write for this fandom before I lose interest, so I just wrote the first idea I had -^-” Asks are still open and appreciated <3 More personal thoughts at the end.)

He asked you to be his,

With a confident smile and a relaxed pose, his eyes never wavered. His request was more of an insinuation to a predetermined conclusion.

Of course, you immediately declined.

This made him stiffen. He furrowed his brow.

"What possible reason could you have to deny me?"

Well, he was quite rude for starters. And those death threats never helped. He's sadistic. Controlling. Everything about him romantically rubbed you so wrong.

At the many insults, he was quick to bristle. You strategically reign in your list of things you dislike, to paint a bigger picture.

You know he is the most powerful of the brothers. You know of his achievements. He's responsible, dedicated, and sometimes, he shows a sweeter side that could melt anyone's heart.

Just not yours.

You already have a favorite.

Lucifer released a sigh. He moved from his spot to take a few steps back. He already suspected, but this was still a blow to his pride. To lose to someone else. To lose to him, specifically.

He couldn't accept such a thing.

So, he'd suggest a compromise instead.

"You may keep your favorite. Or try to. You see, it’s not that simple….”

It’s your turn to cross your arms.

What was he talking about?

“As you may have guessed by now... Our family is quite close. We’ve lived together for so long, after all. We argue, we fight, we make up, we… share. "

Alright, and?

He grins and stands before you. His hand brushes your cheek.

"You'll never be left alone. Not if you chose any of us as your partner. We are not just a family. We are a body. We’ve never been apart for long because we know we’d never be whole if one leaves. We’ll always seek them out and bring them back.”

You narrow your eyes. You know where this is going, and you hate it. It makes Lucifer smiles wider.

“How unfortunate for you, to love one of us. But it’s not too late! You haven’t confessed anything yet, right?”

You’re pretty sure your feelings are already clear to the other person… but nothing has been out in the open yet. Lucifer continues with a laugh.

“Then you have two choices still. You can confess. We’ll all know immediately, and… surely you know everyone well enough by now to know what their individual reactions would be.”

You’ve pictured it plenty of times before. You know how messy their moodiness would be.

“Yes, it wouldn’t be good for us now would it? Cause rifts perhaps. Brawls might even ensue. Can you blame us, when you so effectively had us wrapped in your finger?”

You scoff. It wasn’t your fault everyone read more into their interactions with you than what you truly felt. Lucifer shrugs.

“In the end, they’ll be governed by their feelings of betrayal. The body will implode… but it’s nothing new. We are demons. We live for so long. We’ve fought longer for less. Your lifetime will pass and our bonds can mend. But is that the life you want? An uneasy one? I can guarantee some of us would make it our mission to find ways to abduct you. Each more elaborate than the last. Your safety… your sanity… Well, you haven’t seen the worst we can do yet.”

The threats. You always know one will work itself into a conversation with Lucifer, but still, they make you grimace. Not because they make you scared… but because they’re so annoying to deal with. To be reminded of the reality of the danger demons have on your humanity. To be reminded you’re ultimately a plaything.

Alright, next option.

“This one is simpler. Harsher. You bury your love for him. You leave the House before any bridges get crossed. You don’t come back.” Lucifer stepped away, his gaze heavy.

You both know he dislikes that option. You dislike it too.

You shake your head. You tell him those are shit options. He agrees.

You tell him to give you the third option you know he’s leading up to, already. Lucifer gives another sigh.

“I already mentioned it. We are a body. We like to share.”

Your eyes widen. You bare your teeth at his bold insinuation. No matter how much they treat you as such, you are not a toy! You have preferences. Emotions. Sure, you like some of the other brothers, but there are also some you can’t stand. To be forced into something with them?

Disgusting.

Lucifer growls at your use of the word. Even if you were entitled to your preferences… having his brothers called such a word was aggravating. He continued to push.

“All or nothing. That’s the only way there can be peace…”

But-

“What’s truly wrong with this option? You get to keep your favorite. You get to try things with others you like. You don’t have to force yourself to love the ones you don’t… but to tolerate their presence at least. To keep some peace. Besides, who’s to say they won’t grow on you?”

You know yourself enough to know that could never be the case.

“I digress… One little human and seven powerful demons. You’d be crowned the luckiest of your kind.”

He released a curt laugh.

“You have to admit, there are worse fates than being loved too much.”

You don’t appreciate your serious position being mocked. Lucifer gave another shrug.

“This is it. It’s up to you…”

He turns around.

“You’re free to go now. Mull it over in your room.”

You rush out his door. You’re close to slamming it.

Lucifer glanced as the door shut and goes to his desk. He still has things to do.

But the letters to the contracts weren’t enough to keep his interest. He still had fantasies he had to let go of.

To live alone with the human.

Maybe if they had chosen to be his, such a thing could've been achieved. With Lucifer's power and connections, he would find a way to hide them. Maybe fake an accident to leave behind no trail. His brothers were already attached, but a mortal was still a mortal. And if they ever got close to the truth... Lucifer could plan for that too. He could leave behind everything, run forever from his meddling siblings with his human in his arms.

Truth be told he already had a map of places that would work to shield them for a year or two before he'd move to the next.

But, as was common with his tendency to over plan, those countless hours of his mind drifting away and spending breaks thinking things through had only been a waste.

How selfish of the human.

(I hope I wrote him well enough :,o Yeee, this is a bit of a ‘how things went’ for me in my playthrough. I love Mammon. He is my dude lol. And like, I can go on on how this all happened, but ultimately, My first few chapters, I was just getting less interested in everyone and more charmed with Mammon. And I kept expecting there to be a deviation in the story where I’d get more of a concentration in charming the demon I chose, like any other dating sim does. But nah. The story kept ENCOURAGING harem choices, even with demons I DID NOT LIKE. So I made this explanation. I had to. I view it as ‘they really are just a package deal and Im forced to deal with it lol.’ And of course Lucifer would be the one to make that clear. Uggh. -v-

[ugh-againwiththenames]

A Musical Social Experiment...Destiel.

Alright, so I thought to myself, while playing along with @thenightwemetnatural​‘s Destiel song picks, that despite my musical tastes, and them tending typically (although not exclusively) towards the Metal genres, that EVERY song can in some way, be paralleled to Destiel. This is such a ridiculous experiment, and I apologize, but I’m at the cottage, and it’s fucking pouring with rain, so let’s play…

Here are the rules: take your Music library and throw it on Shuffle – every song that comes on for an hour(ish), connect it to Destiel...(below the cut for my results).

You can access the playlist here (if you have any interest in listening along!). I am not going to necessarily describe every possible connection - I think that a lot of them are SUPER obvious...like *eyes rolling out of my head* obvious...

In the End – Black Veil Brides – Well we’re off to a hell of a start, as this song from start to finish screams Destiel and sacrifice. In the end As my soul's laid to rest What is left of my body Or am I just a shell? And I have fought And with flesh and blood I commanded an army Through it all I have given my heart for a moment of glory Who will remember this last goodbye 'Cause it's the end and I'm not afraid I'm not afraid to die A Modern Way - The Exies – only on song 2, and it’s once again, really hard to cut out any of this song, as the repeating “I’m bound by my insecurities” SCREAMS Dean at me.

I’m Bound by my insecurities

Open your eyes and Throw your arms around me I need the right not to fight To breathe

Swallow the lies I'm the one to blame Having no voice left to choose Am i so blind, feeling justified When i'm alone and confused

Brother – NEEDTOBREATHE – I have to laugh…as I added this after watching Jensen sing this at a Con (for J*red), and no lie, I’m in LOVE with it, but it’s somehow now determinably connected to the brothers for me but I can/WILL draw the lines here…EASY.

Everybody needs someone beside em’ shining like a lighthouse from the sea Face down in the desert now there’s a cage locked around my heart I found a way to drop the keys where my failures were Now my hands can’t reach that far I ain’t made for a rivalry I could never take the world alone I know that in my weakness I am strong, but It’s your love that brings me home Summoners Rift – Dangerkids – Um. Well. The first line of this song just made me laugh out loud.

There's no room for martyrs in a dying scene Well I'm not quite dead I'm something in between

And if I had another chance I would tell you

I guess I'm not afraid of what comes after We are the only ones We stand alone in the dark

Question everything you blindly follow Truth's a bitter pill, it's hard to swallow You think you're winning but your time is borrowed We are the only ones We stand alone in the dark

Royal Beggars - Architects - I mean…the repetition of my sentiments is going to get a bit silly…so i will not. read on...

All hope is dead, but we're coping

Somebody save our souls

Like a bird in a cage, trying to fly away Is this the price that we have to pay? Overflowing with rage, yet we still obey 'Cause we're asleep in a hurricane

We sit on a throne, waiting for God to bend the knee But we're nothing more than royal beggars

Edge of your Bed - Thousand Below - “why’d you have to go and keep calling out my name” Calling out my name” pure purgatory “where’s the ANGEL” “I prayed to you Cas, Every night” The rest of the next verse is also poignant, very Dean again “where I can only feel peace when the wave hits”, “and I’ve become what I thought was wrong, I love the feeling when it feels too strong”.  

Why'd you have to go and keep calling out my name? Calling out my name

I found sorrow at the edge of your bed

Is it now a bad habit? Where I can only feel peace when the wave hits And I've become what I thought was wrong I love the feeling when it feels too strong

Animals – Siamese - “It takes a killer that thinks he’s a saint, it takes believing to be this insane” – well. yes. ok. 

Shattered not broken We stand our feet Houses rebuild on These bloody streets I fill my lungs into this beat With closed eyes we're hoping for remedy

It takes a killer That thinks he's a saint It takes believing To be this insane

Spineless Crow - Hands Like Houses

We were young together but I've grown ancient Cracked and weathered and filled with regret Waiting to sink, rushing to sink in my sleep

The realization sinks in through the skin Like a disease, a blight inside of me Missing your touch, your weight on my fingers

My Underworld - Tonight Alive

Now we sail into deep blue storm clouds Overhead now, strangely I feel at peace as I dive into My underworld, world I dive into my underworld, world Down in these depths I'm adding up the numbers Of all I've suffered in past lives, tied down in the darkness Finally I begin to learn what I've returned tonight Time has come to begin again, leave something else behind

Ever After - Marianas Trench - All this talk of being someone’s disaster – Welp! Hello!

Don't you move Can't you stay where you are, just for now I could be your perfect disaster You could be my ever after

Apologies, I'm not myself but I can guarantee That when I get back, you won't believe That you knew me well Don't want to think about it

I'm fuckin' tired of getting sick about it Now stand back up and be a man about it And fight for something, fight for something, fight for something Nobody told ya this is gonna fold ya We go marching in like toy soldiers To have and hold ya over sold ya They’re marching like toy soldiers I'll be your disaster, ever after So fire away Goodbye

Room 138 - Asking Alexandria - While this song is clearly actually about an overdose of some kind, it’s parallels shockingly well to the post confession scene.   So these are the walls that have to hold this moment Somebody hear me, someone open up the door Get me up off of this floor and stop the shaking, the shaking Through the haze I saw a face A second chance, another life to live How did you forgive me? Held my head against your chest Told me everything's alright, don't be afraid Close your eyes and rest

Witness – Daughtry

Does it feel like you're just wasting time Here without a reason or a rhyme The answer you've been looking for Is standing right before your weary eyes And if the weight of the world is on you now But you know you can turn it all around again How Many Walls - Rise Against  - Guys, seriously, I’m not even going there...How many years have we wasted….how many walls can you put up? How many guns til you feel safe? This is a song about war – this is Rise Against, this is purely political and somehow can STILL be pulled together with Destiel.

 How many walls can you put up?

How many guns 'til you feel safe? How many times can we watch this story Over and over and over again? And how many years have we wasted Counting the lies that we've been fed? For something to change we have waited Over and over and over again Pray – Picturesque - Nope. Don’t even need a description here. Once again this is FAR TOO OBVIOUS!

I should pray a little more and think a little less The devils in my head and he won't let me rest Everyday just like the last since you up and left I should pray a little more, I shouldn't pray for death I Knew You Were Trouble – We Came as Romans (Swift Cover) - SwiftNatural is a thing for a reason… 

It's like a kaleidoscope of memories. It just all comes back. But he never does. I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright. But I just thought, how can the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks so much like an angel

I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him. It was losing me. Once upon a time, a few mistakes ago I was in your sights, you got me alone You found me

I knew you were trouble when you walked in (you were right there, you were right there) So shame on me now Flew me to places I'd never been Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground Texas Is Forever - Pierce the Veil – lack of communication anyone? I don’t know, do we know anyone like that? If anything should happen to me I want you to know, I’ve loved you since ever…

Here we are If anything should happen to me I want you to know I've loved you since ever since then Don't dance around me I know what it means No communication, cannot be received But I'm such a sucker for the rain, yeah Oh, here we are Butterfly - Wearing Scars – the Butterfly/Angel parallel alone…go with it.

Seems we're alone We're fixated Just waiting for something As time goes by And when we're way up high We'll look back down with different eyes Let's take our time Awake this life So spread your wings And take my hand Tonight will be the end

With Grace - The Weight of Atlas

This place looks like hell to me I cast myself into the sea Picked up my conscience and left my disease I don't know, I don't know if I can make it through this storm Keep your eyes shut it will be okay. Will we make it out alive? Will we make it out alive. When all you have is hope I will be your anchor I know that I can let you down But I swear I'll pick up the pieces. And be reborn again I Always Wanted to Leave - The Plot In You

I guess it's a shame I'm so damn destructive And you're so reluctant to mean what you say The way you act so abused The things you confuse You know I always wanted to leave "Hello... You can sing, I'm here And I love you more than anyone or anything With all my heart."

Unsteady - X Ambassadors – just a stay parallel. Don’t leave, don’t let go. If you love me. Don’t let go. #I haz the sads.

Hold on to me 'Cause I'm a little unsteady If you love me Don't let go Bury Me Alive - Normandie – pick a line – ANY LINE!!! 

I guess I'm not going to heaven now I got caught in the chase Now I'm falling from grace But I never stood a chance Could've given me a sign I'd be giving you blind obedience Mantra – Bring Me The Horizon Before the truth will set you free, it will piss you off Before you find a place to be, you're gonna lose the plot Too late to tell you now, one ear and right out the other one 'Cause all you ever do is chant the same old mantra Could I have your attention, please? It's time to tap into your tragedy Think you could use a new abuser Close your eyes and listen carefully Imagine you're stood on a beach Water gently lapping at your feet And now you're sinking, what were you thinking? That's all the time we have this week

Oh Lord - In This Moment – cutting any of this out was actually hard. Cas, my love, are you there?

Oh Lord won't you save me Save me from my soul Oh Lord won't you forgive me For I have lost control Oh Lord won't you tell me Am I the righteous or the damned? Oh Lord won't you please hear me Do I obey or do I command? Oh Lord please forgive me For what I'm about to do Oh Lord won't you believe me I'll burn in hell for you Oh Lord won't you teach me Teach me how to see Oh Lord tell me you love me Am I Lillith or am I Eve?

Bleeding is a Luxury - Atreyu

I’ve talked the talk, I've walked the walk, It's taken ten fucking years, For them to see I don't need their approval. I've paid the piper, I've stayed my course, Lived chomping at the bit. With only blood, sweat, and tears to adhere to- Take it for granted, Forsake the costs, Wear a big, shit-eating grin (with only blood, sweat, and tears to adhere to) Now bear the burden to chase your fate Grind your teeth 'til it fucking hurts So they can see I don't need their approval. Seize the day, Take your beatings, Lead the way, Or decay as you fall down... You fall down.

Would you Still be There - Of Mice & Men – wow, this song in full. All of it. I can’t.

If I could find the words, if I could shake the world, If I could turn back time would you still be there? I can't stop thinking about the way I left you sinking with no escape. Now there's no lifeline, no way to save. But maybe next time I won't throw it all away. Dislocated, I lie awake Suffocating in my mistakes. I lost my halo when I fell from grace, But maybe next time I won't throw it all away. I ask myself everyday... If I could find the words, if I could shake the world, If I could turn back time would you still be there? If I could find the words to say, If I could shake the world to break you down, Then would you still be there?

The Broken - 3 Doors Down 

This is the call to the broken, the broken Take it from me. They don't care if you're lonely. As you can see, They don't care if you're scared. Your heart Is the only friend you have in this whole world. Don't start, Think you can do this yourself. I know what you're thinking. You say you're tired of keeping score, keeping score. Trust me, You're not the only one going through this. You see, I've been through this before, this before.

Wow, I Hate This Song - The Used – this one took a little imagination – hardest one so far – because it really is just about hating a song! So we’re HC’ing the Zepp track that reminds Dean most of Cas, post Empty.

Every time I hear the key I see you in the melody It never was a part of me Heart feels like it's being stabbed Kills me emotionally Dirty Little Secret - Bullet For My Valentine – let’s take this back to – take your pick…Leviathan!Cas, Godstiel, Casifer, any of the times that Cas did the wrong thing for the right reasons…and did not tell his boy. 

There once was a time Where everything was just so perfect Now everything has changed And you've become a total stranger I've seen another side to you I never even knew existed Dirty little secrets, dirty little secrets Giving in to your primal instincts There once was a time When anything I do is for you But everything has changed And I've become a lonely prisoner I'd kill, even die for you You never even tried resisting

Kill Plan - Parabelle

I'm sitting stunned just like a lesson I never learned Made of emotions and mistakes And what you say Leaves me lost and in the way And that's the place you stay Remember silence Now we're painted into corners So we can watch the world get sold out Hold me closer don't let the sun in Hold me closer don't let the sun in Cuz the setting sun feels like a cage Don't let me defend the kill plan

Roman Sky – Avenged Sevenfold – This song only has a few lyrics, but we can definitely make them work.

As the embers rose through the Roman Sky Tell me, were you calm when they took your life? Just before you go, tell us how the heavens flow Weightless evermore, as you walk beyond that door Shine forever true To Those Left Behind – blessthefall – these boys might be my favourite band ever, but these are ANGRY lyrics – these are about betrayal.  This is a relationship gone wrong. I feel these best work with the divorce arc, the Angry Dean that we see, or Dean’s mood after any of the “Cas fucked up again” moments. You found me at my worst When I was far too weak to grow In spite of all my fears And how I may have lost my way Only now I know the truth

Awake and coming clean

If you can't sleep It's your conscience That's eating away At the mess you made So let's end this Sew this last stitch Lift this weight off my chest I'll put you to rest The past should stay dead

How did we find ourselves here? Haunted by our own design With everything that's come to pass Makes it harder to confine

[kingofthewilderwest]

Are you really happy without the conventional work? How do you deal with feeling like a failure compared to your peers? How the fuck do i adult i'm so tierd and stressed and don't know what i'm doing

I'm really sorry about how tired, stressed, and uncertain you may be feeling. <3 That's really hard stuff to feel. And I mean that with every ounce of sympathy I wish I could express better beyond this stiff text. Sending you all the love.

I am happier without doing conventional work. It might be less stable because my jobs are short-term, and the instability does make me nervous, but I feel like it has more pros than cons for my personal happiness. It will not be for everyone, though, and I would not recommend it for everyone.

I'm assuming when you ask about feeling like a failure, it's both in concern to how I feel with it, and how you might feel yourself. <3 <3 I hope that this answer ends up helping. It's the best I can try. <3

As for myself, I don't for a second believe I am a failure. I've always been a cocky bitch, and here the cockiness reigns supreme: I'm pretty awesome whether I do anything or not. When I'm exhausted and unhappy and Depression takes over (and hooboy Depression can take over like demon possession), my mind might stray to unbearable self-hate and self-deprecation, but I argue against those voices rather than let them enter my everyday language about myself. (It's a dangerous habit to ever repeatedly insult yourself; it ingrains those thoughts in you worse, it really does.)

There's nothing that makes me a failure compared to my old peers. They're pursuing jobs that society traditional deems "successful." So what? They're irrelevant to me and my life, and my life is irrelevant to them. Society's ideas of what is and isn't good has always been complete bullshit anyway... why should I care if I amount anything to what broader society feels? Broader society is stupid and I don't give a damn about it. I'm not saying this out of bitterness or rejection or something; I honestly don't care because it's irrelevant to me.

I'm here to pursue myself, pursue what I personally like. If I feel happier, if I make a milestone that's relevant to me and myself and I, then that's awesome. In many ways, if I'm different than my old peers and not following into their notion of success, then I know I'm doing right by myself. ;) It's proof of my own growth, isn't it?

The truth of the matter is, nobody is a failure for being different than someone else. Every person has a different life path. I know for many people, they are more self-conscious about how the world around them operates, how the world sees them. If the world doesn't find them successful, beautiful, etc., they feel like shit. Maybe you feel self-conscious about not meshing with society or being "as good as" other people around you. And I'm here to say: your life is your life. <3 <3 I know it can be hard to stop comparing yourself with others, but in the end, I do believe we have to understand our own innate value is permanent. Our value is there no matter what. You are beautiful. Period. There's no ifs, ands, buts, accomplishments, actions, or choices that will change the fact you are innately incredible. <3

The people whose heart meshes with yours, the people who lift you up, those are the people that matter, and those people will never believe you're a failure. Those people will see you as the diamond you are. If people judge you and are cruel to you for that, then their voices are the irrelevant ones to be discarded, because they aren't valuing you, and so they don't have good life advice or good values. There's no value listening to idiots, fools, and castigators. Now, that's not to say that good friends and acquaintances won't tell you you're doing something wrong or struggling or making a bad choice... a good friend is someone who protects you by speaking honestly and warning you if they think you're stumbling... but they aren't going to put you down as some failure, either. They're there to help you move forward with your life's journey for yourself.

We all struggle. We all stumble. We all fall. We all fuck up. We all get tired. We all don't know what we're doing. We all flail around aimlessly. We all make the wrong choice. We all look "better" to outside viewers than we see of ourselves. We see the sloppiest parts of ourselves whereas most others don't, so that's why it's easy to be the most critical with yourself and start bashing on yourself. But I guarantee that my peers, shiny as their PhDs might look, have probably had nights where they've cried into their pillows, or been frazzled, or been at bad low points, or wished they were anyone else. And I wish them the best and emotional security, but what it means is: we're all some level of fucked up anyway. Some people have worse struggles than others, and that needs to be respectfully recognized, but at the end of the day, we're all human and we all struggle and our pains are all real things we experience. The pain is real and it's valid to feel bad over it. The best we can do is give ourselves a break, stop tormenting ourselves internally over our natural inability to be perfect, and when we have the strength, to give love and support to others so they don't stumble as bad as we did.

I want to relate to you by saying... I think I was constantly clueless, confused, anxious, and apprehensive in the first half of my twenties. It sucked and I'm sorry if things suck for you.

Somehow....... I think a switch was flipped somewhere when I got more years of "adulthood" under way. The switch flipped from "I hate that I don't know what I'm doing" to "ehhh, whatever, life is life." Now, it's not to say I'm more organized. I'm not. My refrigerator has more mold than food. There's a horrible smell coming from the kitchen sink where water's been resting in a dirty pot for several days. My laundry is scattered all over the floor and I've run out of pairs of clean underwear... ran out several days ago. Don't ask what I'm wearing. I don't know the last time I've vacuumed and my place looks like a tornado zone. It took me several months to have the mental energy to schedule my first COVID shot, and I often have to cancel my banjo lessons like an unreliable buttfart because something Came Up In Life Just Now. In many ways, my life is still a chaos zone. I think I'm getting better (I've earned a ton of money in my savings account the last two years, victory!!! I'm no longer living month-to-month!!!). But I just want to say in all this.... it's okay. It's not preferable that my house is disorganized piles of crap on the floor, but I can continue to live. If we manage to wake up, get ourselves food, do hours of work, then we have achieved adulthood, and everything else is icing on the cake.

In the end, I think "stability" in adulthood is being semi-comfortable with instability. Adulthood just means handling unstable shit, and if we're novices with it, so be it. Maybe as your life goes forward, things will be less tiring and less confusing. Maybe things will be more stable. Or maybe not. Maybe the same problems will keep coming around. But I think adulthood is the ability to accept that these problems come around, and handle them, even if you aren't 100% a master at the novel circumstances.

And over time, I do believe it gets easier. <3 It takes more to rock the boat. It takes more to daunt you. The things that were initially anxiety-causing become a part of everyday affairs, and when a new novel circumstance comes up, you're more mentally prepared to try on something new. I encourage you to keep at it, my friend. I hope things feel better over time. It's okay that you aren't sure what you're doing right now. Maybe someone can help you in the present day. Maybe in the future you'll know what you're doing with tasks that previously confused you. Maybe in the future, the new weird tasks won't feel as daunting. Adulthood is weird and we don't know what we're doing, but that doesn't mean that life is going to fuck us through that.

In the end, you will still have beauty in your life. No matter what, beauty will exist in its simplest forms, and the simplest forms are the best. You don't need to achieve anything to get there. You don't need to be put together (although being put together is nice and something I want to help my friends feel <3 ). You don't need to look impressive in society. If you see a beautiful sunset, if you see a cluster of cute mushrooms, if you pet a cat or dog or animal of your choice, if you spend twenty minutes talking with your friend on voice call, if you read a good book for half an hour in the morning, if you buy yourself a tasty $4 drink to treat yourself, then your adult life is worth it, and your adult life is enough. <3

[gohyuck]

part 1 is out now! here

pairing: greaser!jeno lee x rich!reader; ft. brother!johnny

genre: greaser!au; runaways!au; criminal!au; angst/fluff/smut

word count: 2k

warnings: none

a/n: this is just a prologue (but you should still read it 😉) and it provides some context for the events of the main story... part of the criminal collaboration by @neovisioned

let me know if you want to be on the taglist!

April 13th, 1956

There’s a couple of lilies in a transparent vase, half filled up (half emptied out? you ponder this in an attempt to keep your mind off of what is right in front of you) with water that likely hasn’t been changed since before the weekend. Jojo, the class pet, runs on his wheel, keeping a surprisingly steady pace for a hamster. He pays no mind to his surroundings. What it must be like - to be completely and utterly unperturbed and unaffected by those around him. Maybe you’ll be reborn as a hamster in your next life. A quick glance (your fourth in maybe three minutes) around the tense room at the rest of your classmates and at the teacher leaves you hoping.

The clock’s ticking is louder than usual - though that may just be your mind playing tricks on you - and the room seems to be holding its breath as a singular entity rather than a whole composed of twenty-three individuals (one of whom is the teacher himself), or parts, within it. The whole situation is like a suspenseful movie scene - you know something big is going to happen, and soon - it’s just that none of you have any idea of what it’ll actually be. All eyes are focused on one person - a person who’s up on his feet with a previously pristine stationary-based letter crumpled between his fingers and who is staring holes through the teacher up front, who just so happens to be the sorry individual who had handed him said letter. The teacher, a man whose knuckles have more hair than his head, is trying his best to stare back. He can’t quite match the student’s gaze.

You glance down at your desk at the wrong moment. Before you can even register that anyone has moved, the distinct sound of a textbook hitting the floor startles you. A chair follows it. Before you can look up, the classroom door shuts with a resounding bang. The crumpled up letter is on the floor by the door. Mr. Simmons, in all his balding, middle-aged, beginnings-of-a-beer-belly glory, stands in front of the chalkboard, mouth open in a comically wide look of shock. 

After what has to be more than just mere minutes, your English teacher decides that the lesson must go on, and in the midst of telling the class (now with twenty one students and one teacher) more about Shakespeare’s specific usage of language in The Taming of The Shrew, he subconsciously wipes his chalky hands on the front of his pressed khakis. You wince. That’ll be hell to wash. A girl behind you snickers behind her hand to the boy beside her that it looks like Simmons does cocaine. Somebody wonders aloud, though in a quiet enough whisper that Simmons himself can’t hear, who would sell a man like your English teacher coke. 

A smart-mouthed class-clown type in the back heaves a cough that sounds oddly like “Jeno Lee”. laughter ripples through twenty seniors. you don’t join in.

Jeno Lee. 

You hadn’t even caught sight of his scuffed black Chuck Taylors or the back of his hand-me-down leather jacket when he’d stormed from the room. There was no glint of his pocketknife, either. You’ve come to see all three as hallmarks of his persona. 

There’s a lingering smell of smoke in the air, though. His seat, after all, is only two over from yours to your right, and you’ve always been unlucky with inhaling his secondhand smoke. Rumor has it that he smokes two packs a day. 

Somehow you doubt that, though. 

Maybe you’re naive, but, after all, nobody with a smile like that can plow through 40 cigarettes in 24 hours.

♕ ♕ ♕

April 16, 1956

That's the last class you ever have with jeno. His desk is noticeably empty the next day, and the next, and the next after that until your teacher finally - though with an air of relief you find at least mildly despicable - lets his remaining students know that Jeno will no longer be attending your high school, or any high school at all. You don’t pretend to understand - there’s only about four weeks left until you’re all set to graduate, anyways - but you also don’t pretend to be surprised. 

The recycling bin hasn’t been emptied for days. In what’s far from your proudest moment, you stay after class - waiting until Simmons himself walks out to check on what sounds like a hallway fight between two boys - to dig through it, trying to hide your triumphant smile from your own self when you find the crumpled paper Jeno had discarded on his last day here. It had very obviously made him angry, angry enough to drop out, and the wonder of what might be in it is killing you.

After all, he’d been good eye-candy in class, at the very least. You kind of miss him being there, even if you’re the only one who does. You squint, trying to make out what the ink on the paper says. 

It’s a letter - specifically it’s a letter from the Neo Institute of Technology, easily one of the most difficult universities to get into in your state. Your fingers twitch as you battle internally over whether to open it or not - rejection is hard to deal with, even if it isn’t your own. Your school sends hardly two or three people to NeoTech per year, and there’s no way someone like Jeno could’ve gotten in. Eventually, your curiosity wins over, though not before Simmons walks back into the room and you find yourself telling him that you’d tripped and fallen near the recycling, all while hiding Jeno’s letter behind your back. 

♕ ♕ ♕

Your brother, home from college for the weekend, is lying languidly across the couch, hand in a bag of chips when you walk in through the front door. You aren’t surprised - you’d seen his prized red Chevy Bel Air convertible parked out front when you’d stopped to pick up the mail. You realize fairly quickly that he’s the only one home - your mother must be at a book club meeting, and your father is still at his 9 to 5. it’s just you and the devil himself. 

Johnny raises one chip-dust covered hand in greeting before turning back to whatever old western rerun is playing on the TV. For your part, you pay him no mind, dropping the mail - some bills, a... magazine, a reminder card from the dentist - on the kitchen counter while shouldering your backpack to keep it from falling. 

“Hey, John?” You finally call, already halfway up the stairs. 

He grunts in response, and you can’t help but roll your eyes. You consider not telling him for a moment, but then realize that you really don’t want to witness the screaming match your parents will have with him if they get to it before your brother does. 

It, of course, being his not-so-guilty pleasure. 

“This month’s Playboy came in. it’s on the counter.” You finally say, though not before throwing him as disgusted a look as you can muster once you see the way your brother perks up immediately. Pig. He drops the chip bag onto the coffee table, scattering bits and pieces of food across it. You don’t hold out hope for him to clean it up. You also don’t wait around to watch him grab his magazine, instead making your way up the stairs and into your room, finally free to be truly alone for the first time all day. 

You shut the door, making sure it’s locked properly, before dropping your backpack on the floor and jumping backwards, bouncing once, onto your bed. The letter’s been in your hand since you’d found it, and you can’t help but feel mildly excited - and also, of course, just a little bad - as you smooth it out in your lap against your plaid skirt. Slowly, very slowly, you pull it open, bracing yourself for what you know you’ll see. 

Dear Mr. Jeno Lee,

Once again, on the behalf of the admissions board at NeoTech, I extend a hearty congratulations to you for being accepted as a member of the class of 1961. The School of Engineering looks forward to witnessing your growth over the next four years, and we know that, upon your graduation, you will make us proud as an alumnus. However-

You pause in your reading, blinking rapidly in mild disbelief. Jeno - Jeno Lee, known for being a greaser and a hooligan, a threat and a terror - had gotten into NeoTech? The realization shakes you, causing you to blow air out through your lips before you continue reading. 

However, we find that we will have to rescind your full scholarship. I understand that you may find it difficult to pay tuition, but there just seems to be nothing we can do: we request a disciplinary record for each student, and yours is riddled with fights and altercations with both students and teachers, especially one Mr. Richard Simmons. Typically, this would be grounds for rescission, but considering how stellar your grades and essays are, we will allow you a probationary semester. 

You will still have to pay your tuition in its entirety. The first semester payment of $1,200 is due by Friday, April 20, 1956. If you cannot pay it, I’m afraid that we will be unable to take you on for the fall semester. 

Best regards and congratulations once again,

Sooman Lee, Neo Institute of Technology President and Board Chairman

Although you’re still surprised at him having gotten in - internalized prejudice, your brain whispers to you, and you hate that it’s right - your heart twists as you read the letter over and over again. $1,200 is steep for a college, and you know that there’s no way in hell Jeno can ever fork that up. Of course, you realize, heaving a heavy, heavy sigh as you do, he no longer can guarantee getting a high school diploma anyways. His rescission from NeoTech must be on its way to his mailbox already. 

Before you can think too deeply into Jeno Lee and his now-precarious future, a loud knock interrupts you, causing you to swiftly slide the letter underneath your bed. You never know if Johnny’s going to try and pick the lock on your bedroom door or not, though you’re glad to see that he stops short of doing so this time. 

“What?” You ask, your tone as annoyed as possible. 

“Don’t ‘what?’ me, shithead,” Your brother responds, throwing your tone of voice right back at you. “Mom’s back, wants your help with dinner.”

“Why can’t you help for once, you ass?” You snark, sliding off of your bed regardless. The door swings open just as you unlock it, revealing your brother smirking down at you in a way that makes you want to right hook him directly in the face. 

“Men aren’t made for the kitchen.” Is all he says, stepping back so you can get out. Before you can reprimand him, threatening to kick his patronizing and patriarchal ass, Johnny disappears into his own bedroom, slamming the door shut. 

“(Name)?” Your mother calls, sounding displeased at having to wait for you. You groan, pulling your own bedroom door shut before bounding down the stairs. As rock-and-roll music starts pouring out of Johnny’s room, no doubt courtesy of the radio he’d gotten as a high school graduation gift, and as your mother thrusts a rolling pin into your hands while grumbling about not raising you right, all thoughts of Jeno are pushed out of your mind. 

Dust starts to settle on the letter beneath your bed. 

It’s no matter, though: though you believe it might very well be the last thing connecting you to the Jeno Lee, fate has other plans for you. Soon enough, the surface level image of who Jeno is will no longer exist to you, replaced by your own truer perceptions. 

Of course, there’s a series of things that have to happen before that.  

It all goes to shit on May 25th, 1957. 

[jonjordanforrealz]

12 Years Is a Long Time

September 29th is my son Arron’s 11th birthday – a cause for celebrating for sure, and a time for this parent, as most parents do, to ponder aloud, “How in the hell did that go so fast?” For me, sentimental sap that I am, birthdays are always a time for reflection too.

In doing so this morning, I was, of course, reminded that September 29th is also the anniversary of my brother Michael’s passing. A year to the day before Arron came into this world, Mikey left it. 12 years ago today. That’s gone a different kind of so fast itself.

I’ve talked about my brother’s death many times over the years and it never bothers me to do so. Most of the time, it makes me happy just to talk about him at all. To be remembered is to be loved and he certainly is in both instances. But I don’t think I’ve ever really shared much publicly about his last day.

And I need to let it go.

Who knows? Maybe something like this can help somebody.

For 12 years, I’ve carried the weight of that day and never really faced it or dealt with it. And I’m tired. It’s heavy and I’m tired. And to fulfill my final promise to Mikey, actually, I need to get rid of it, once and for all.

Following a lifetime of major medical issues and severe mental and physical handicaps, and doing all he could over the course of his 25 years to beat the odds and somehow conquer and survive one and all, Michael would meet his match in the form of an internal bleeding issue that just couldn’t be solved.

A kid like Mikey, who couldn’t really communicate outside of very basic emotions, had no way of conveying to doctors what anything felt like, where it hurt, how long something had been bothering him, and so on and so forth. So oftentimes, things got worse, sometimes as bad as they possibly could get, before anyone could even get anywhere close to figuring out what the hell was going on. And in his final chapter, this reality first led to him being transported to be treated by specialists in Tampa, and then ultimately, to our family’s greatest test. That we were so conveniently able to face that final decision together thanks to his relocation to my neck of the woods was a stroke of luck that I don’t think anyone appreciated until years later.

Michael’s bleeding issue just wasn’t going away no matter what the doctors tried. Not to cheapen the matter, but I think someone likened it to plugging a hole in a hose with your finger, only to have another open shortly thereafter. At some point, you run out of fingers. And so, we were faced with two choices: An exploratory and very invasive surgery that guaranteed nothing or a nonsurgical Hail Mary that was every bit the final hope. My parents encouraged me to speak freely and honestly in that days-long conversation and as I recall, my opinion never wavered, though of course, I respected and understood their agonizing back-and-forth.

To me, this kid had already been through so much, literally since Day 1. Countless major surgeries and painful procedures that would absolutely hammer (and maybe finish) most “regular” people were the worst of the lot. Other concessions over time – simple things like eating and drinking normally – also took a toll, I’m sure, as every human needs simple joys.

Throughout his last ordeal, there had already been several procedures, and in my eyes, he didn’t need more of that. With the proposed surgery highly likely to kill him anyway, I didn’t see the justification to put him through that sort of torture again. I didn’t want that to be his way to go out. As his closest advocate, because “brothers” means something more that those who don’t have can know, I knew he didn’t want that to be his way to go out either.

Instead, I argued, that through the non-invasive course of treatment, while the odds of that working were stacked heavily against him, this put the ball in his court. This made it so that he could fight, if he wanted to. For a kid who rarely had the chance to call his shot at any time in his life, this was that. “Scrap if you want to, kid,” I thought. “If anyone can beat the odds one more time, it’s you.” And if not, I thought he had that right too. And I wanted to fight for that. This time, I wanted to fight for his right to fight. Or not.

And so, with my parents on board, we gave him his shot, and at first, true to form, the kid was responding positively. Amazed yet unsurprised, we carried on with some hope for the first time in seemingly forever … and then everything just tanked. Quickly.

I’d prepared for this my whole life. And I had thought I had been stepping into this moment already time and time before. But I wasn’t nervous. I felt a sense of urgency, after getting the call, because I wanted to be with him but I wasn’t nervous or scared. Something that always comforted me was a belief that if anyone ever deserved a peaceful end, it would be Mikey. Once we were faced with the grave news, the doctor assured that as they stopped doing whatever they had been doing to treat him, and focused on making him comfortable, that he would indeed get that peaceful transition. And I know in the medical world that nothing is ever guaranteed but I really believed it. I believed in that. It’s all I wanted, then, knowing that there was no winning this last fight.

But it didn’t go down like that. His last day wasn’t, at first, peaceful at all. It was prolonged. And there were gasps and groans. At one point, a seizure. And I was mad. I was so mad.

At the same time, I knew what it was, really. This kid’s will to fight just doesn’t go away. It’s funny because from the very beginning, one of the things he was diagnosed with was some syndrome called Failure to Thrive. Fuck that.

When the worst moments hit, and I watched my brother and my family suffering, I didn’t feel mad anymore. I just felt like I had to do something.

There’s a picture that I have of my brother and I in bed. I was maybe 10 and he, six. We shared a room at that time and when my mom or dad would come in to get us up, if I was being a bum and still laying there and we had somewhere to be, they’d plop Mikey right in my bed next to me. That always got me up. Nothing like an eye poke or swift kick from the kid who “couldn’t control his movements” to start your day – accompanied, of course, by his trademark giggle.

That little shit … It’s still my favorite picture in the world.

In those final moments, I just crawled as far into his hospital bed as I could to lay next to him, just like we did on those mornings as kids, and I whispered to him, “It’s okay. You don’t have to fight anymore. We’re going to be okay.”

You see, I’d often wondered, when I was very young, why he pulled through so many things that most people wouldn’t. After all, I’d always noticed people bitching and moaning about the stupidest things (oh, contemporary America!), wandering around aimlessly in perpetual woe-is-me mode. If anyone should have ever just said, “Screw this!” and checked out, Michael should have. But he had us. And we, him. He pretty much defined us, really, for better or worse. I felt like there was at least a little something in him that told him he needed to stick around for us. And I just wanted him to know that we would be okay if he couldn’t anymore.

Within minutes, things calmed down. His breathing slowed. The stupid machines making noise start doing so more sporadically. And then, before we knew it, it was over. That was it. The end.

I remember lots of hugs and tears and one of many goodbyes to come. And then we said thank you to some staff members – really a symbolic thank you, from me at least, to so many over the years. To people in the medical field, I look at you as I do teachers, and that is in the highest regard, having intimately known both worlds, whether I wanted to or not.

I remember going outside and nobody saying very much.

I remember sitting down at a table.

And then I remember saying, “Well, what do we do now?” I don’t think I ever quite figured out what to do. A purpose I’d always had was now gone.

Of course, in the coming days and weeks, we had plenty to do – plenty of the mind-numbing, gut-wrenching things you have to do to prepare for a loved one’s final arrangements and all that. I took on a lot more of the sort than I ever had at that time because I felt like my parents shouldn’t have to, so I was distracted by productivity. But soon after that, I don’t remember anything. Don’t remember his funeral. Don’t remember leaving my parents and coming back home. Don’t remember going back to work. Sports, friends, events … nothing.

Truly, I think I completely lost a year. I don’t remember a lot at all about the time in between Mikey’s death and Arron’s birth. And then the latter happened and it was like the pause button I’d pushed on life had been pushed again, whether I was ready or not.

And while I was obviously happy to be a dad for the second time, I was also still hurting, which I must have forgotten about too in that year prior. And again, I was mad. I was so mad.

In the years since, that anger lingered, because if you don’t hit something head-on, it doesn’t just go away. Anger leads to hurt, fear, panic, anxiety, a defensive existence, and isolation. I’ve experienced it all and I wouldn’t wish any of it on my worst enemy. I’ve distanced myself, I’ve been checked out and I’ve lashed out, retreated within and pushed people away. It has caused me problems in every element of my life at one time (or more) or another.

None of it is any excuse and it’s a lot for which to apologize over a long period of time but if my suffering has ever caused any sort of suffering for anyone reading this, I am sorry.

(Note: I’m still going to enjoy my space and my distance more than most people but, overall, I can be better!)

I feel like some of this might be a surprise to people because I don’t show it, hardly ever. I’ve gotten good at projecting this version of myself at any time, regardless of what’s really going on. I even manage to have and to be a good time, probably a bit too often influenced by some additives I’ve grown fond of over the years. But there are times when all of that is just masking a wreck. And it has to stop.

I don’t know why I’m shedding this now other than that I need to – because it can’t go on forever. I haven’t come close to being the best version of myself and I have people around me who deserve nothing less than that. What better time than now if I’m finally recognizing that, at times, I haven’t been good? And at my worst, I haven’t even been okay.

And the bottom line is that I promised my little brother, as he left us 12 years ago, that I would be.

I’ll never let go of him. He’s on my arm and in my heart and I hear his voice – especially that laugh! – every single day.

But I’m letting go of that day.

12 years is a long time.

It’s been heavy.

And I’m tired.

And I have to be okay.