#i hope it turned out well?? i cant Judge myself h

[zuffer-weird-girl]

Request: hi honey!! I apologize for my English, but I must tell you that you are my favorite blog!! you have an incredible writing style, reading each of your works I remain in awe, thank you so much for what you do!! if it's not too much, can I ask Kai to with a s/o who has asthma? it's like they're having a really big fight and he says something so offensive that it triggers an asthma attack? sorry if this is too much, you can ignore the request if you don't like it!

Man will treat you like a porcelain doll. He is hella scared of you having a asthma attack.

Expect that if you dont have that air pump with you he has at least two in his fucking pockets.

And usually he is a calm guy.

So you can expect that fights will be as rare as him willing to dirty his hands.

Yet eventually, arguments tend to happen.

Chisaki is very calm and stoic on arguments, not yelling really. What hurts is how actually calm he is about the issue and how cold and uncaring his words are.

Rarely he gets, well, like we saw him fighting with Mirio and the heroes.

But that doesn't mean it hurt any less.

So one day, the big fight happened.

It was over his own attitudes and plans for the Hassaikai, much like Pops you knew that he was a man whose always tended to go way too far.

And Kai instead of understanding that you were trying to calm him down and make him see that this was not a good idea, he understood he was being attacked.

So it began.

Change of harsh words between you and ocassionaly a curse here in there.

But Kai wasn't even thinking straight at the moment and accidentaly let something slip.

"You were suppose to be help and support me dearest." He said sarcastically the nickname with a sigh, ignoring the ocasional cough you let out now at then "Oh right, how can I even count with you for help since you cant actually even do even one task right, even breathing."

His words stung like a fucking knife perfuring your chest... but what you didn't expected was to suddenly start a coughing fit.. suddenly it was like you had lost control of your own body as you tried to kneel down to get at least a bit of air back in your lungs, as always, it felt like someone was squeezing the air out of you. And the more you tried to cough, breath, anything... you felt your lungs simply stop working.

Your vision was fading even... oh god..

He only sighed and rolled his eyes, hand still pinching his covered nose.

"What now? Dont pretend you're having a attack over something so insignificant as-" He hissed before his eyes widened.

He made a quick analysis and his own breathing seemed to stop at the moment, tightened neck and chest muscles, you couldn't even mutter a single word, your face was pale and sweaty and the worst was seing your lips turning into a blue shade as well as your fingernails which clenched both of your chest and the wooden floor as you desperately tried to get some air back in your body.

"Shit!" He cursed and kneeled on the floor to grab you, thankfully that his shout was loud enough to get attention of Chronostasis and Nemoto.

"What happened?"

"Call the 119 or a doctor, hell kidnap if that's the cas evit get A FUCKING DOCTOR HERE QUICK!" he shouted as both nodded and got out of the house like thunders.

He helped you up and looked at his office while his hands were unbuttoning your shirt to lose enough. He had to stay calm or else he knew he would make things way worse.

"Stay calm angel for me please.." he hissed when your coughing got worse and lifted his trembling palm to indicate you to wait as he went to grab the reliever inhaler... only to notice it wasn't there.

Shit. Shit. Shit. SHIT-!

"Fuck! (Y/n) where is yours?!" He asked in desperation "Angel for the love of God just answer this one please!" He grabbed on your shoulders as you tried, really tried to get your words out.

Kn a state of panick he didn't even thought about forgeting one of them on his jacket so in a moment of bright he let out a gasp and ran towards his room grabbing the little device and returning as quickly as he could.

"Here." He knelt down and offered as your hands desperatly and harshly grabbed the reliever inhaler and finally you could get at least some air back as he shakily sighed.

"Thank God..." he lowered his head before both Nemoto and Kurono got in along with a doctor.

.

.

.

"Well, you did the right choice of giving (Y/n) the air puml in time or else you would have to take them to a hospital." The doctor spoke after doing a check up and using their quirk on you to make sure you were still all right.

He couldn't even complain about it... he was the main one that caused this.

You were still breathing in and out slowly as you answered with a dry throat the doctor's questions, Nemoto being kind enough to bring a cup of water for you as you shakily took in your hands. While he was up on his feet, crossed arms over his chest and looking at the ground.

After some time the doctor eventually leaves and both his subbordinates... leaving you two alone on the room as you evicted his gaze like a plague.

"..(Y/n).." he manage to speak but winced when he saw your shoulders tensing and how your grip on the cup tighten..

"What?" You asked, cold and so so distance of him...

He closed his eyes with a sigh uncrossing his arms to scratch the back of his neck.

Opening them again he could see you weren't looking at him, the door being the main focus of your attention now ... surely you wanted to leave at this point.

Hus pride was always something that spoke way too loud for gus own sake... but now? With you? After what he did and at first didn't even take you seriously?

He could give a damn about his pride. Or if the floor wasn't clean enough as he kneeled between your thighs and grabbed your hands on his as he supported his head on your and his hands... jaw clenched along with his teeth as he clenched close his golden eyes.

"Forgive me... forgive me..." he muttered in broken whispers as you finally looked down at him with a shocked expression... "It was all my fault, forgive me..."

You blinked at the scene, Chisaki would kneel down to someone only if hell freezed over but yet, there he was, not only kneeling and clenching on you like you were going to dissapear but also begging for forgiveness. Chisaki Kai was begging for you to forgive him...

You were still hurt sure but... that scene was way too shocking.

"Kai I-" you tried to take at least one of your hands out but he only clenched more... no sound coming from him yet you gasped at feeling a drop of something wet on your thighs.

"Dont pull away now..." came his shaken up voice "please... in one moment I almost lost the only good thing on my life so please... Don't... I judged you and offended you by your condition but..." he lifted up his head to show you red and broken golden eyes that were dropping one tear or two by each second... his face remained calm but still he only lifted his head, not his gaze to look at you directly.

He didn't deserve it.

"I was a hypocrite... myself couldn't even breath when I saw you on that way..." his grip on your hands tightened as be choked on a sob "I'm no deserving of you... yet I can't even fucking breath at the thought of lose you... especially because of me and my fucking... attitude." He brethed shakily as he shoulders shaked along as he dropped his head again.

You could take your hand away this time but to his shock, you placed on his hair as he widened his eyes at the feeling...

"Well... it may take a time for me to just forgive this.. but you know that it doesn't matter what you do..." more tears started to form at you scratching his scalp "I still love you..."

He 'tsked' to hide the painfull and choking sob that almost ripped out of his throat as he let his head fall in your lap as he holded one of your hands on his two gloved ones.

"Just try to at least listen and... take me seriously sometimes... be better not only for me but to yourself as well Kai..." you muttered while kissing his head as his grip tightened on your hands.

"H-How can I if I'm nothing but a demon with no heart...?" He whispered, hoping that only him could hear but he was wrong..

"You have a heart. If you love me this much to be in this way at the thought of losing me..." you lifted his head up and finally looked down at him with a kind smile "I'm sure you can do it.. I trust you wwith all my heart Kai."

He clenched his teeth together as he dropped his head in defeat, letting go of your hand to inappropriate hug your waist... it didn't matter if it felt uncomfortable... he just needed to proof to himself he hadn't ruined anything.

He could at least try be a better man for his angel... right?

[ibelonginthepast]

okay I need your klance fic recs(i feel like you have really good taste)(i mean your icon is literally THE keith of course you have god tier taste)

okay so the thing is.. that when i say am kinda messed up and disgusting sometimes... and becoming a madwoman... am not over exaggerating or saying it in a funky way.. i actually am getting like that .. and that's how i got into the klance fandom initially. i project through lance and read really langsty fics.. and they are messed messed with like violent nsfw, gore, horror, serious mental health issues etc? so if u want those... i'll only send them if u want?

yeah tho i entered with this thingy that klance is gonna be like my guilty pleasure or some shit but them i inevitably fell in love with some GORGEOUS fanfictions out there and KEITH KOGANE in all shapes sizes genders and ages so lol...

but they aren't flowery. that's just not my taste. Some of them might be "problematic"? it's in quotes because i don't agree with it. it's not going to be problematic in plain ignorant sense like racial issues or blatant sexism or mental abuse.... but they might have like stuff which people dont always agree with like drugs. most of them would have nsfw it's just something that i need to have for feels and that's why i asked if u minded it. some things are like more subjective,, characterizations for example, cause like some people dont think keith is a skirt guy cause he isnt in fashion but i think he is petty and rebellious so he will defo do that? some of them would have like physical fights and stuff.. or keith and lance being mean to each other.. some ugly habits which aren't necessarily condemned like anger or drugs.? but with how i see it, it's not glorified, so i see them as human. i love the raw and ugly in these or idk its just human to me (but some people dont like which is completely valid cause we are all different from different environments and think different and resonate with different stuff.)

wait addition: i think some of them will have sexist themes? which i have complained about a lot before. i dont know why authors feel the need to somehow put women down to show how a mlm relationship without any women is superior or some shit it's annoying as fuck i hate it. i dont think i would have any especially sexist fics here, but there might be some with lowkey themes and bad handling of those issues. some of them mau have that subtext of disgusting heteronormative standards, but in subtext uk like bottom lance having a small waist and being giggly and all in contrast to big bulk keith.

here are some that i had bookmarked... but i may remember some more and then send them to u and or add them here...

a heads up.. i dont remember all of them very well. its been a while and i read fanfictions A LOT so yeah.. incase one slips up here which isnt very good am sorry dont judge me

the bold ones are the ones u should really check out if our taste is similar.

to begin with plain f l u f f,, my first klance bookmark was How Could I Say No? by Padfoots_Pawprint. tws for violence, bullying, injury BUT it's not actually gory or something like that it's just keith being keith and getting hurt and lance helping my boi like he should. it made me feeeeeeeel ksksk

this was one that kinda really touched me,, Wasted youth, Cryptids, and Waterboys by Baea THIS HAS EXPLICIT NSFW in it, the first chapter kicks off with it.. its a good fuck buddies to lovers in my opinion.. i love the writing style, the choice of how it's just a couple entries of random days in their lives. i love keith's characterization.. he is a hobo and a conspiracy nerd.. i love how down for him lance is, very dedicated. i love their growth.. i love how they help each other grow,, and it's so like real and usual day to day and human and down to earth idk how else to express it. this is INCOMPLETE. it's 12 chapters and discontinued as of now,, but it's not a deadly cliffhanger

similar in style and approach to the above. tho i think here is where it gets dubious. Easy, Tiger. by @/WhatTheBodyGraspsNot ... this is INCOMPLETE too and as of now discontinued. this has that sorta murky vibe with it's drug usage, them being teenagers in school and engaging in stuff like this, bad boy keith and all. this has nsfw too. i just remember really liking it and its very raw and unfiltered. tho it's incomplete it's not an open ending for now.

okay so i am restarting this but am upset as fuck that it all got deleted so i am gonna be lazy and not put as much effort as i did.

i have also Crowd Pleaser bookmarked by the same author,, this one's complete and it has some serious issues around gaslighting if i remember correctly... i really liked it then. keith is literally an angel here, i want to kidnap him and marry him literally. the s h w ee t e s t shit ,, and i like how lance gives him all the support and space to get his shit together

Drummer boy by klancekorner,, i think it's similar to the prev one, but lance's pov(which is what i prefer ngl). this authors fanfics are all just wholesome. i had put links to all their fics before, but imma now just say that u should go and check all their fics out. i have them all bookmarked, i must have seen something in them (can't remember what now tho and i cant be bothered to skim through them like last time *rolls eyes*)

War of hearts? idk why honestly, just ik keira has made me gay, and lesbian rejection angst? garrison? yes :) it's incomplete, conveniently left at the point where lance's heart is broken lol

Fuck buddies with benefits. THE NAME IS BAD I KNOW but i just love the idea of a dedicated mess of a keith and lance taking care of him. that's it that's the fic if i remember correctly. oh wait yeah u might think keith is not treating lance right, but i think it's fine if lance is treated a bit stupid. this is a bit too sex driven tho i dont like it but just SLEEPDEPRIVED KEITH TO TAKE CARE OF IMMA SIGN UP (ik this maybe coming off toxic but lol look at me)

Rambling: THIS WAS ME.

Last Defense: TW SUICIDE this is literally the langst i have for canon lance

I want something else: bad boy keith can break my limbs and cut my face and i will thank him

A thank you would be nice: keira damn

game-set-match: b a d b o y

I swear to go the devil made me do it: my typically fav trop, hardcore pining lance, literally perfect angsty keith. very similar to the top ones ig? idk also this one is one of my comparatively recent sane bookmarks so that's something. it starts off weird, u think it gon be subtly sexist but it turns out better so hold on

you've got me locked up: i think it's delinquent keith,, its floofy

Dad lance and tattoo artist keith: the name says it

damn while going through my bookmarks i realized that there are a lot of things i never bookmarked? i am pretty sure i loved a lot of long fanfictions, flower shop aus and tattoo artists shit wtf-

wait here's one, it's not complete: Blood jumps in the sun: it's very heavy has a lot of growth and kinda wholesome,, tags and summary will give u an idea what u getting in.

The lessons we learned: can't remember much other than florist keith, sad keith, smart keith, really long, pining

damn i think i have a lot of happy ones i didn't bookmark cause my brain was like u dont deserve the serotonin :( i'll add if i have more)

some actually angsty, detailed nsfw and messy (according to the way u interpret these) ones... lemoninagin.. they have some very detailed and explicit nsfw stuff but i am not there for it. some of it has the kind of angst i like? an actual one that i love and they recently posted and the reason am putting them here is infinitesimal. best friends to lovers and tho usually it's not my cup of tea.. it's a character study, an interpretation of klance in a modern world i dare say,, which is very similar to mine. the thing about them is that i like their characterization a lot, and in no love in this, i like what kind of background stories they give to klance in their aus. i haven't read many by them, so if u want u can check them out.

i just realized i have put some lowkey sad/fucked fics here... i did remove 5 rn... i hope its all good damn why am i doing this i feel like am putting myself naked out there when i recommend my favs

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Home - Part 22

A/N - So this is the last part my lovelies! (Well there will be an Epilogue) i just want to thank everyone who has kept with this til the end and for all the love you’ve shown. 💕

"Buck, i cant stop looking at them" i smiled down at my two boys laying side by side in the hospital cot.

"I know, their perfect" he beamed before turning and kissing me "you did so good baby"

"I didn't do anything, i didn't even know what was going on!" I chuckled, when they took me down to the OR the babies heart rates dropped suddenly and they had to give me a general anaesthetic and get them out quick.....when i woke up again i had my two boys.

"You did everything! You carried them for the last... what, 8 months? You've kept them safe and healthy"

"I guess i did do that, I've got the stretch marks to prove it" i rolled my eyes.

"we still need names, we can't just keep calling them 'the boys' you know"

"Mmmhmm okay but can we talk about it after i sleep?" I asked covering my mouth as i yawned.

"Sure doll, you get some sleep"

"You'll watch them?"

"Of course, Steve will probably be in here in a minute he was so excited" Bucky shook his head and laughed.

"Okay, Just let me sleep for an hour and wake me up okay?"

"You got it".

When i woke up again i looked over to see Bucky sat with his eyes closed, both boys sleeping on his chest. He wasn't asleep just resting his eyes, his thumbs gently stroking over their tiny legs as they slept soundly. It was the most beautiful sight ive ever seen, i couldnt help but reach for my phone and snap a photo.

Yes im gonna be that mom who takes photo's of everything! Don't judge me!

"What are you doing?" He asked opening one eye and looking at me suspiciously.

"Taking a photo of my boys" i smiled "i told you to wake me up in an hour Buck, how long did i sleep? Its dark out!"

"4/5 hours" he shrugged casually "enjoy it while you can doll, you wont sleep well for a while"

"Unless they take after their mama and like their sleep too? God i hope they do!"

"Their gonna need a feed, you feeling up to it?"

"Yeah".

Bucky got up and carefully passed me one of the twins while he kept the other close to his chest and sat back down.

"His so tiny.... i feel like i'm gonna break him" i said as i lowered my gown and tried to get the baby to latch onto my breast "He latched on straight away.... oh my god this is so weird..."

"Thats my boy" Bucky winked making me laugh quietly so i didn't disturb the baby.

"So names..... i was thinking Steven and Samuel as middle names? Both of them are important to us" i said looking down at the baby in my arms.

"I love that idea, they'll love that too"

"Is Steve gonna Cry?"

"Probably" Bucky chuckled knowing what his friend was like.

"Okay and first names?"

"How about Thomas....After your dad? I know you miss him" Bucky suggested.

"I really do, i wish my mom and dad were here to see this" i quickly wiped a tear away "Thomas Samuel Barnes?"

"I like it doll"

"Me too" i smiled looking down at the larger of the boys in my arms "i think this is Thomas"

"Okay and now for this little man"

"How did we not decide on names before today?" I shook my head.

"Because we've had our hands full with the girls and Jack's case.... we thought we had more time" Bucky shrugged before getting up and switching out the babies.

"I don't really know what names i like"

"Me either, i didn't think it would he this hard to name them" i said as i got comfy with the next baby.

"You know just before the girls went to bed i heard Allie talking to the bump again.... how do you feel about Theodore?" I asked raising an eyebrow questioningly "thats what she called one of them.... we could call him Theo or Teddy for short?"

"Theodore Steven Barnes? It kinda works" he nodded "for the record i'll probably never call him Theodore"

"It doesn't surprise me babe, the girls rarely get called by their full names either"

"Thats true"

"So are we agreed?"

"I think we are" he grinned as he got settled with Thomas again.

"Did Steve come see them while i was sleeping?"

"Yeah but only for 10 minutes, i didn't want to disturb you.... plus visiting hours where nearly up. His coming back up later with the girls though, then his gonna take them home and watch them til we're aloud to go home"

"Sounds perfect, i miss my girls already"

"Im sure their missing you too"

"Their probably too busy with Auntie Becca to care" i smiled over at Bucky who was shaking his head.

"Okay Teddy is done, can you take him please.... i think i need some more pain relief"

"Sure doll" he laid Thomas in the cot and took Teddy from me before sitting back down to winding him.

I held a hand to my stomach and winced as i pressed the call button for the nurse.

"Your gonna be feeling that for a while doll, your gonna have to take it easy too. Let me help you with things"

"I'll be fine...."

"You will take it easy and let yourself heal"

"But Bucky you cant look after the girls and newborn twins on your own! I can't just sit around and do nothing...."

"You can and you will, Ive already spoken to Steve and his gonna come stay with us until your better"

"Okay, its not like he isn't always there anyway. I sometimes wonder if he actually lives with us and i just don't know about it"

"You don't mind that Steve's around alot do you?"

"Course not, i love Steve"

"Good, you'd tell me if you had a problem with it?"

"You know i would"

"Ms Y/L/N, how you feeling?" One of the nurses smiled as she walked into the room.

"I need something for the pain, other than that im good" i smiled at her.

"Okay lets see what i can do about that".

It was about an hour later when Steve walked in with Becca and the girls.

Steve came straight over to me and placed a kiss on the top of my head, Rosie was cuddled up to him but held her arms out to me as he leaned down.

He let her down to lay beside me and she instantly cuddled up to me.

"Hey mama, how you feeling?" Steve asked.

"Im doing okay, sore.... but its worth it"

"Their beautiful" he nodded looking down into the cot beside me we're they both slept.

"Congratulations you guys, their beautiful" Becca smiled hugging Bucky before getting a closer look at the babies.

Brooke and Allie stood with Bucky looking down at Thomas and Teddy.

"Girls, these are your baby brothers" Bucky said quietly to them and they smiled.

"Their so tiny"

"What are their names?" Allie asked turning to look at Bucky.

"Well this one, this is Thomas" he pointed to the bigger twin "and this is Theodore" he pointed to the smaller one, Allie gasped and looked up at me.

"I knew it!.... i knew that was his name!"

"Okay can i hold one now?" Steve asked practically bouncing on the spot making us laugh at him.

"Sure Steve, hey Buck why don't you let him hold Teddy first?"

"Sure doll" he carefully lifted Teddy and placed him in Steve's arms "this is Theodore...."

"I know that Y/N just said so"

"Theodore Steven Barnes"

"What!? Are you serious?" He said his eyes going wide.

"Yeah pal"

"Guys...." he said with tears in his eyes "i dont know what to say"

"Told you he would cry" Bucky chuckled and Steve gave his his best bitch face.

"If i wasn't holding Teddy id kick your ass"

"Yeah whatever pal"

"Language! Uncle Steve!" Brooke said with wide eyes as she turned to look at him.

"You said a bad word Uncle Stevie!" Allie added making us all laugh.

"Yeah Uncle Steve you said a bad word! Don't be saying bad language words around my kids"

"God your such a mom already"

"Y/N?" Allie said walking over to the side of my bed.

"Yeah babe?"

"Does this mean your our mom too?"

I looked over at Bucky who shrugged with a smile, i knew he was telling me it was my choice what i told her.

"Yeah Allie, i'm your mom too..... if you'll have me?"

"Really??" Brooke asked coming to stand beside Allie.

"Yeah"

"And... can we call you mom?"

"You can if you want to, whatever your comfortable with" i smiled brushing a piece of hair back from her face.

"Im gonna call you mom" Allie said casually before running back to her dad who was smiling as he listened to our conversation.

"You guys are gonna make me cry again" Steve said sniffling from the chair in the corner.

"I think i might join in this time too" Becca added quickly wiping a tear from her face.

After spending the longest two days in the hospital the boys and i were finally aloud to go home. It was the best feeling being back home, knowing i had Bucky and all my babies under one roof and plus Bucky and Steve had been amazing.

They wouldn't let me do much though.....They'd even carry me upstairs!! I was now managing to walk around by myself, slowly, but i was on the mend.

Sam and Wanda came to visit us the day we got home, Sam had actually cried when we told him Thomas's middle name.... even though he tried to hide it.

Wanda had sat cooing at the twins for hours and saying how much she couldn't wait to meet her little bundle of joy.

I was sat in bed just finishing the feeds, Bucky was next to me holding Teddy, the girls were asleep on the bottom of the bed, we'd been watching Aladdin and they had all fallen asleep halfway through. I smiled as Aladdin and Jasmine were singing about 'A Whole New World' realising my whole world was in this room, i never thought id be this happy.

"You okay doll? You seem a million miles away" Bucky asked pressing a kiss to my lips.

"Yeah, just thinking about how lucky i am that i met you. You've made me the happiest woman in the world Buck.... you gave me 3 beautiful girls and my handsome boys, who already look so much like their daddy by the way!" Bucky chuckled as he laced his free hand with mine "i love you baby"

"I love you too, i couldn't ask for a better mama for our kids" he smiled bringing my hand to his mouth and kissing my fingers "marry me?"

"What??...." i looked at him with wide eyes "did you just...."

"Yeah" he nodded with a huge smile on his face "make me the happiest man in the world and say yes?"

"Are you sure...? I mean i dont want you asking just cause we're having a moment...."

"Doll, this isn't just me being in the moment i promise" he said leaning over to the drawer in his bed side cabinet. When he turned back to me he had a black velvet box in his hand "ive had this for a while, i was just waiting for the right time"

"Buck...." i gasped feeling my heart racing as he opened the box to reveal the most beautiful ring id ever seen.

"What do you say doll? will you marry me?"

"Yes!! A hundred times yes!" I smiled with happy tears as he slipped the ring onto my finger and kissed me.

"Its you and me doll, always"

"I think i'm okay with that".

Home taglist: @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123 @lumar014

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[coffeecrusadeclub]

Roadtrip -tyrus fic

TJ POV:

I climbed into the passenger side of Cyrus's car. We were driving out to see Andi in New York. We had this trip planned since we found out Andi got accepted into the New York Institute of Art and Design a year ago. Of course there was a few details that changed since then. Buffy and Jonah were supposed to ride with me and Cyrus but Buffy caught a flight over there a week ago and Jonah couldnt get off work.

So that means it just me and Cyrus.. in a small green BMW... alone... for at least two days to and back

I mean dont get me wrong it's not that I didnt love the idea of a road trip with him or the idea of crashing at a hotel after long day of driving. Being alone with him just makes me so nervous, I mean I have been crushing on him since I was 15, that was five years ago and I still like him as much as I did in the beginning if not more. Hes my best friend and I know he wouldn't be upset about me liking him probably. I mean hes out and proud. But I'm not out I'm not proud. I'm afraid that's the way it's always been.

"TJ! My mans you ready to roll" Cyrus pulled me out of my thoughts, his voice filled with enthusiasm. It was cute and I felt a ball grow in the pit of my stomach. You cant like him TJ its wrong

"I- uh yeah! Let's go!! NY here we come!"

---------------

We had left at around 4am on Friday (to beat morning traffic as much as we could). It was now Saturday and there was about 2 hours left of us jamming out to Cavetown, Alec Benjamin, and many other amazing artists when Cyrus's phone went off.

"Who texted me? Can you check?" Cyrus asked only looking away from the road for a moment to look at me.

"Yeah hold up." I grabbed his phone, unlocking it to check the message.

"Uh- it's someone named Johnathon.. he put 'want to come over again tonight?' What do I tell him?"

I looked over at Cyrus who had stopped humming along to the music.

"I- uh tell him um tell him no and I'll talk to him later" he stumbled over his words. I nodded and typed out the text reading it outloud to get approval before pushing send.

"So... is he like your boyfriend or like a hookup or something?" I asked, trying to conceal the jealousy in my voice.

"Wh- no definitely not Teej" he replied defensively

"Hey I'm not judging you just a question"

"Sorry I just.. Hes just a friend. He likes me but it's not mutual and he keeps inviting me over but I'm not into him ya know?"

"Yeah, you should definitely tell him though. Sooner rather than later"

"I know theres a lot of things I should tell a lot of people but sometimes it's scary"

"Yeah there's a few things I'm afraid of saying to so I get you" I looked over at him for a second and smiled. The sun was setting and the glow it created around him was beautiful. He was beautiful. I cleared my throat shaking myself out of the thought and adjusted myself so I was facing away from him

"Are you okay Teej?" He put 1 hand on my back, the other still on the wheel.

"Yeah I'm-im fine" I muttered pulling away from his touch.

"You can talk to me about anything TJ I promise"

"I- itll change how you look at me"

"No TJ you're my best friend, I love you man I'm not gona judge you"

I felt my throat tighten at his words "later- on the way home maybe" I tried to respond calmly but my voice broke anyway and I felt a tear roll down my cheek. I wasnt going to tell him I knew I wasnt. He was gona forget and I'd be off the hook.

--------

We spent 3 days in NY with Andi before we had to leave. Buffy stayed because her flight wasnt for a couple days. At first the drive was quiet, I was worried he'd bring our conversation up from 3 days prior.

We had been talking about everything really. Our lives, our hopes and dreams. And then the inevitable happened, I should have known better than to think he'd forget.

"What was it that made you cry the other day Teej... you said youd tell me on the way home"

I was driving so I didnt turn to look at him but I knew he was staring at me, waiting for me to answer. I tightened my grip on the steering wheel. I wanted to tell him but my dads words from years prior kept playing in my head: "boys dont like boys TJ, its wrong. Do you want to go to hell? Dishonor our family? Then shape up"

"I um I dont know what youre talking about Cy, sorry. I guess I forgot"

"Tyler James Kippen you are so full of it. Please talk to me" I looked at him and instantly regretted it. I sighed

"I cant Cyrus. You don't get it. I can't tell you. If I tell you its real- I cant disappoint my family theyll h-hate me" My voice cracked and I put the emergency lights on, pulling to the side of the road.

I put my head down, resting my forehead against the steering wheel. I let out a small sob and shook my head. "I cant do it man"

"TJ hey no no nobody is going to hate you. Youll be okay I promise"

"Cyrus I'm- I'm gay and-" I stopped myself, did I want to do this? My dad's voice echoed in my head and I sighed.

"And?"

"And Im in love with you.. I felt this way since I met you but I was scared. I am scared.. People like me don't deserve people like you... My family is going to hate me. I hate me, there's something wrong with me."

"TJ no there is nothing wrong with you. You're family is not going to hate you. It might take them time to get used to but Ive met your family and they love you so much. That's not going to change. Im here okay? I love you too"

I looked up at him "You do?"

"Yes I have for a long time. Gosh Teej, and here I thought Jonah was oblivious." He teased and I looked up at him, a smile on my face.

I'm still apprehensive about the future but with him by my side? Well for the first time in ever I actually believe that Im going to be okay

[spooky-scary-imagines]

Hi :) would you write one where ChopTop met the reader the the radio station along with Strech*idk if i spelled it right* but the reader dressed similar to him and was in a band herself makeing ChopTop love struck and just his stuttering getting worst and forgeting what to say witch the reader finds cute maybe it would get slightly nsfw to to the ebd but you can pick its ok if its just fluff :3 *sorry if its to long*

((Sorry this took so long! Gotta love my boy Chop-Top and this prompt not only gave me an excuse to rewatch his intro scene but it also seems super fun! It is a challenge to figure out dialogue for him tho because he’s so bizarre in all the best ways. This one didn’t end up being too romantic but I’ve been thinking about maybe writing a continuation for this just cause there’s so much more I can do with it. So let me know if any of y’all are interested! Tagging: @i-cant-get-with-it

Chop Top meets hippie s/o @ the radio station:

It’s been a pretty rough week at the station. Your good friend Vanita had gotten a terrible call-in the other day. Initially she thought it was a prank, as the men had been obnoxious all day, but even she couldn’t ignore the terrible screaming and shill grating of metal on metal. Not when she saw that article in the paper that seemed to match the call-in. She had told you about the plan she devised with some old sheriff, about playing the tape over the radio. To you it seemed like a bad idea and a great way to put a giant target on her back, but she was insistent that she had to do it and make a difference. Despite your worries, you couldn’t just leave her alone, so you decided to stay with her after that night’s broadcast.

Tonight had done nothing to ease your concerns, angry callers had been cursing out the station and since Stretch first aired the tape. L.G. seemed to be the most upset by it, talking about how much trouble Vanita was going to get into, though anyone with eyes could tell how soft he was on her. Sadly, it didn’t seem like the feelings were returned quite the same way. At least not yet, you thought, as you watched her turn down his offer to grab some coffee with him. Guess you two were sticking around for this “Lefty” guy.

Shortly after L.G. left, you heard the phone ring. You went to reach for it, but Stretch got there first. “Hello?…Hello?…Lefty?” You could guess from her side of the conversation that she was being met with silence. You raised an eyebrow and she looked at you, equally confused. The mysterious caller hung up. “What the hell was that all about?” you asked.

“No clue,” Stretch shrugged, “We get some weird callers sometimes, but-.” As if on a cue, you two heard a small slam from the other side of the station. Vanita’s eyes flicked to you. “Stay here, I’ll be right back.”

Stretch had been gone for a suspicious amount of time, when you decided you needed to go after her. You stood in the doorway of the hall leading to the lobby. From there, you could hear Stretch and a strange male voice, talking manically. “Hi, I know what you’re thinking. This is weird. Hope I can handle it.“ You peered out into the lobby, there you saw Vanita nervously backed against her desk, across from her was an odd man. He appeared to be in his 30s, dressed in patched and campy hippie clothes, the odd look topped off with a shappy mop of black hair and lavender Lennon specs. Though a somewhat tacky outfit, it reminded you of the way you and your bandmates dressed, especially when hanging out around at festivals. He started getting up and moving towards Stretch, and you walked out from the doorframe. Both sets of eyes looking your direction.

“Uhhh, hey man…what’s up?” you asked, awkwardly trying to redirect him. He turned to you, and looked you up and down, face unreadable.

“Wh-Who  the hell’re you? I thought it was j-just the DJ?”

“Well it isn’t space cadet! Who the hell are you?”

“I-I-I’m just a fan,” he turned back to Stretch, “Me and my little brother, Bubba, we listen to this show e-every night.” He turned back to you with a sick grin, “Music…is my life.”

You smiled at that, “Oh? I dig it. I’m in a band myself.”

His eyes went wide at that, and the barely contained manic energy in him seemed to ramp up, “O-Oh yeah? Wh-What’re you like? Something h-h-heavy? Like-like Iron Butterfly!”

You chuckled. Despite him being kind of a freaky-deaky dork, you had to admit the spaz was kind of endearing and a little cute. “Kinda. We’re more like Vanilla Fudge or Quicksilver Messenger Service than anything.”

“Far-Out! So-”

“I hate to interrupt,” Stretch cut in, “But the station is closed for the night.”

The man turned back to her, a strange glint in his eye and a sick grin that made you shudder. “Well, y’see, I wa-wanted to phone in my request but, but I al-al-always get too nervous, y’know?” He paused for a reaction before continuing, “But, well, since I’m here. In-In flesh-and-blood…I figured I could just give you my request now right!

Stretch looked to you for help and you just lifted your hands in a shrug-like gesture. “Uh, sure, sure. You can tell me your request and then you need to leave.”

The man chuckled, and started heating up the coat hanger he was holding with an old rainbow lighter. “Al-Alright…How about Cold Stone Fever from uh, Humble Pie! Or uh…” he picked at his scalp, ”In Da Vidda da Gadda babey. Heh heh yeah…” he turned to you, “Real, uh, heavy stuff, y’know.” You hid a laugh behind your hand, at his goofy smile and the fact that he got both song titles wrong.

Then that menace was back in his eyes, “Or…how about s-something like that, uh, Lefty r-request record you played today? How’d it go again?” You and Stretch’s eyes went wide as the man screamed and growled in mimicry of the terrible sounds of the attack. You looked at each other in mutual fear at this man standing between you and the exit. “Wh-What was that anyway? R-Rambo III soundtrack?” he chuckled at his own joke. “Could you play it again? Or, uh, m-maybe you co-could get me a copy!” He grinned, “You could both sign it. To-To-To a far out fan!”

He seemed to respond better to you so you spoke up, “We, uh, actually don’t have a copy. Sorry sir. But we could, er,  play your other requests.”

Something dark passed over his face that you couldn’t quite place. He looked to the side in the records vault. “Hey, uh, is this where you keep the golden oldies? And mayb-” The rest of the sentence was cut off when the lights suddenly flipped on, revealing a horrifying giant wielding what looked like a chainsaw. You and Vanita screamed, she ran off towards the back rooms while you ducked out of the way into the far corner of the room behind and hid on the far side of the sofa. You heard the man from earlier hollering in pain and wailing at the giant to “Get the girl!” You saw the giant run after Vanita through the door, and you peered out from your hiding place. You watched the man from before scream and clutch at his head. “He dented my plate! My brain is burning! Nam flashback! Nam flashback! Leatherface, you bitch, I’ll…Oh just look what you did to my Sonny Bono wig. Oh, God damn it!”

You listened to the man’s cries of pain and rage from your hiding place as you resisted the urge to help him. Judging from what you could make out from his rant, he was clearly with the man trying to kill Stretch. Oh god…Vanita…what have you gotten yourself into? He eventually managed to get to his feet and began to go through the records vault, muttering something about dogs hunting. You covered your ears and tried to block out the terrible sounds coming from behind the door leading to the recording area.

You heard a door open from the other side of the room. “Hey! What the shit?” L.G was back! Maybe he could get the police and everything would be okay.

“Lick my plate you dog dick!” the hippie yelled, flipping L.G. the bird. It would have been funny if the whole situation wasn’t so terrifying.

“What the fuck you think you’re doing in here, you crazy-looking little son of a bitch? Get out of here!” You wanted to scream at L.G. to run out of here and get help, that these guys were totally buggin and super dangerous. But you stayed quiet for fear of revealing your position. This turned out to be a lethal decision as the man lunged at L.G. brandishing a hammer. “Time for incoming mail!” he shrieked, slamming into hammer into L.G.’s skull, “Ho Chi Minh!” Over and over you heard the sickening thuds through your covered ears. You squeezed your eyes shut but you couldn’t pretend it just wasn’t happening. Hell, the same thing was probably happening to Stretch right now .

You didn’t even realize you were crying until you felt the warmth of the tears sliding down your face, but someone else did. You open your eyes to see the killer’s leering face less than a foot from your own, “H-H-Hey there, rock’n’roll b-bunny! T-th-th-thought I lost ya t-there.”

“Please, don’t kill me,” you sobbed, “I’m, like, really sorry for whatever’s making you upset.”

This seemed to make the man nervous, and he started picking twitchily at the edge of a metal plate embedded in his skull. “I-I…I ain’t g-gonna, er, kill you. J-Just…” he looked around the room frantically, as if trying to find a solution to his problem. He spied the hammer over by L.G.’s corpse and his face broke into a grin. He scrambled to grab it, whipped back around, and started getting closer to you, arms out ahead of him as if you were a spooked animal. And I guess in a way you were. “N-Now do-don’t move or-or nothing. It It ain’t gonna h-hurt.”

Your soft sobs turned into bawling, “NoNoNo Oh God PleasePleasePleasePlease Don’t do this Please don’t do this!”

You noticed some emotion flash across his face that you couldn’t figure out. “A-one and a-two and a-three!” and the hammer fell down on your skull. You collapsed, yet you kept fading in and out of consciousness. You heard footsteps coming through the door to the studio and what sounded like the two men having a one sided conversation. “Did you get her, Bubba? Did you get that bitch? She was my fave…but-but she knew! And now…nobody knows!…L-look what you did to my plate, you bitch!…Y-You got her? Di-Did you get her good?…Slap me five!

You heard footsteps coming closer but you couldn’t see what was happening as you felt yourself getting dragged over to a damp section of floor. “I got some too. Bonus bodies! Look at that beef,” you vaguely felt a slap against your thigh, but it was as if you were made of cotton. “Help me get it out of here!,” said the hippie as you felt yourself be hoisted onto the larger man’s shoulders.

 You were tossed in what seemed like the back of a truck, though you were so dizzy it was hard to tell. Finally you succumbed to your head injury and passed out. The giant, Bubba, left to sit shotgun and only Chop-top stayed by, standing over you with a dopey look on his face. “Don’t wo-worry baby, we’ll b-be home soon,” he gave you a sloppy peck on the cheek and ran back around to the driver’s side. “Alright Bubba! Let’s blow this pop stand!” he yelled, and sped off back to where the rest of the family was waiting.

[huangfilms]

Prince!Chenle

summary: you’re a member of the royal family and I didn’t know and you ran into me in the village and I completely told you off oh my god || prince!au

(A/N) o-oh my god i’m back from the dead with some prince chenle hope u enjoy (im a lil rusty so leave me some feedback Please! also,,, its not proofread haha aslkdjfhals Please Spare Me)

okay so you live in the village

your mom told you prior that you need to just walk over to your grandma’s house and drop sumn off

and to get to her house, you have to cut into the uhhh

the place where all the store stands are

u know like the market place ish

and so your holding a lot of stuff in your arms and you just walk with your eyes on the floor, watching where you step

and you lift your head up at times so you can see if you’re ever going to bump into someone

guess what 

you rlly done goofed cause you Look Up and right as you do theres this body that collides with yours

and you drop

e v e r y t h i n g

then you just stop and you get rlly pissed off

you look up rly dramatically and slowly and you meet a pair of eyes that actually look a lil scared 

(ugh poor bby chenle im rlly srry)

‘are you serious??? were you just not paying attention??? do you seriously have no coordination on where you’re going??????’

and then you let out a huff and start to pick up your things and place them back in your basket

while you do that you’re just muttering to yourself, ‘GOSH my mom is literally going to whoop me if she finds out i dropped gma’s stuff’

and then you see the guy kneel in front of you and start to help

‘um...... i can do this by myself, you can go ahead and bump into someone else now’

and he just looks at you with this expression you cant read

then he slowly gets up

‘prince chenle, we need you back at the kingdom right away, your mother is asking for you.’

and then you freeze up

p-prince ????? w-what ????????

two plus tw o equals pie ??????

then you start to panic and you hurriedly place the rest of your stuff in the basket and Run

you just Run To Your gma’s house

but you hear a soft ‘wait!’ when you run but you just Cannot

you’re SOOOOO embarrassed and when you arrive at your gma’s house your face is RED

and your ears are all flushed and your gma asks whats wrong

‘i just told off the prince because he bumped into me-’

 in your defense he rlly didn’t look like a prince (wdym chenle ALWAYS looks like a prince smh)

he was wearing .... regular clothes so he Did Not Look Like A Prince

like,,,,,, yeah i dont know LOL

but then all your grandma does is LAUGH AT YOU

whats so funny??? blease omg hes gonna Have My Head omgomgomgsdhkjah

so your grandma just looks at you like you’re overreacting and says, “chenle is a nice boy!! he comes and visits me all the time sweetie.”

and then you freeze up because-

w hat ???? let me ??? move my ??? bang real quick ???

“grandma you what”

“chenle visits me all the time??? very nice boy, you’d like him !!”

and all she does is feed you then kick you outta the house to go home before it gets too dark

when you walk back your just rlly thinking ‘.... that happened huh ...’

AND THEN !!! you hear a lil yell of ‘hey!!’

and when you schnapp your head up you see the prince waving up at you with this Look on his face ???

so you just give him a weird glance and walk slowly towards him

“listen, about earlier i am so sor-”

“it’s fine !! hope you aren’t beating urself over it too much !! have a great evening ...?”

then u tell him ur name yadda yadda then he leaves and then ur like !!! haha what just happened !!!

so you go home and just sleep on it cause you kind of just dont want to think about it HAHA

so the next morning when you wake up your mom says to go to your gma’s again

just cause your gma wants to see you .. which is kind of odd

you only see your grandma during special occasions and when you drop things off

only because school/work has been taking a lot of your time

but just for your gma,,,,, you’ll visit her and forget the responsibilities for now

you walk there with confusion on your face because,,, although your grandma loves you, she doesn’t just spring on you and ask you to come over

so youre just curious about why she wants to see you (there isnt anything wrong with it !!! its just a lil odd)

when you arrive to her cottage you see this car outside and immediately become anxious

youre just treading slowly to the door, and then you raise your hand to knock,,, but youre hesitating A LOT

so time goes by (max. of like .. 5 minutes) and the door swings open to reveal your grandma

she puts you into a bone crushing hug, and then pulls you inside

“thank you for coming dear !! i want you to formally meet someone.”

and then you get SCARED scared

so when you turn to go into the living room, you nearly SCREAM

cause on the couch is mr prince chenle and you feel like one of the guards is going to strangle u with the glare they’re giving you

in your defense, you didnt Know ............ you told off the Prince .......

“chenle sweetie, this is my sweet grandchild i was telling you about !! they did tell me recently that you recently met.”

chenle blushes when he makes eye contact but you rlly dont now why cause You Told Him Off and thats rlly all you can think about HAHA

BUT in reality chenle isnt too bothered by that cause you didn’t immediately treat him like a Prince, you treated him like a regular person (albeit a lil ... Yikes)

and he actually thinks that you are the most gorgeous being in the World !! mayhaps lil prince even has a tiny crush on you !!!

when you Formally Introduce urself to him

ur grandma hits u w that, “sweetie can u help me n chenle garden some things !!”

and then she gestures u both to follow her in her backyard

she tells the guards to make themselves feel at home and leave out like lemonade or sumn

so you and chenle are just super awkward at first cause you dont know how to break the tension

also all you can think about once again: was that u rlly told him off

but then chenle starts to laugh really loudly at a joke your grandma says and then you just-

YOU WANT TO COO !! cause even tho his laugh is Super Loud, you find it endearing that he’s just letting loose like this

he catches you staring tho and he stops and he Blushes Again and you want to !!! squish !! 

who doesnt want to squish chenle he’s literally such an angel and hes so adorable ugh i lov baby

so you both just start talking more and then by the end of the day you guys are just best buddies

you forget hes the prince too

but then u walk in to see the guards and ur all lik e... righ t...

its ok tho !! chenle is a person too !!

and honestly you guys make this a regular thing

you and chenle go to ur gmas house to garden every day or when you guys have the time

and essentially its just you guys pulling out weeds while talking about new and exciting things that happened to you recently

and your grandma just watches you guys get along and her heart is happy

cause chenle sometimes talks to her about him not making friends cause they always use him for his status

and so ur gma knows u arent like that and shes just really happy to see the two of you get along really well

days turn to weeks, weeks turn to months !! and you guys become really really close friends

some feelings develop too or .. whatever ..

but you dont acknowledge them cause youre just a person who lives in the viliage while hes a prince

chenle does though

and hes so shy about it that he blushes everytime you say his name or just smile at him

cause his heart goes !!!!!

he rlly likes you

and u rlly like him but u just dont know !!!

ye wutevr its 2018 and status rlly shouldnt matter but ur just rlly conscious about being judged and stuff

like even if u started to date him would his parents accept you

and then u snap out of ur thoughts cause chenle looks worried and you havent answered his question

haha he asked a question ???

‘you want to hang out with me tomorrow?? thats not gardening?? i-i mean its ok to say no haha i love gardening with you i just wanted to know if y-you wanted to try something new with me? i-i understand if you want to say no-’

‘chenle, sweetheart, breathe,’

and then he Blushes cause oh they just called me sweetheart and he just breathes

then you say you would love to !!! 

and ur gma is just watching the Entire Thing with the guards

with popcorn and tea

and its literally the cutest little exchange ever cause youre both just blushing and red

so when tomorrow comes

chenle meets u at ur gmas house

and so like he holds his hand out for you to take and ur just !! heart into overdrive !!!

and then !!! he takes you to this ice skating rink cause youve mentioned before that you havent been

and he rented out the whole place so people wouldnt be bothering you two

and hes just nervous and so are you but since ur dont know how to skate youre just clinging to him for dear life

and hes such a blushing mess omg

the guards are just cooing at the both of you, some even join you on the ice

and you guys are just cracking jokes and having such a good time

there was a time where one of the guards fell on their ass and u two couldnt stop laughing

then chenle falls but since youre holding onto him you fall down too oops

and so ur just kinda ... laying down on him awkwardly and your guys’ faces are so CLOSE

but then you clear your throat and then you jump off of him

it gets kind of late and the guards are just like, “hate to break this cute and adorable moment, but your momma is calling you to be home prince”

and so chenle just blushes and gets up first, then holds his hand out again to help you up

it makes you sad when he has to leave, but he drops you off at home

when he does, he walks you to your door and then he says goodbye, but before he leaves

you feel a little bold and you kiss him on the cheek !!! so cute !!! cause then hes just RED ! and hes so flustured and he just waves bye and when he gets into his car

he just clutches his chest and has this big smile on his face and hes just so in awe

and the guards are teasing him but he really Does Not Care cause you just did : THAT 

you kissed him on the cheek and hes so !!! about it

but you guys go out more often after this

and sometimes is just to hang out with your gma cause chenle has grown to love her HAHA

its become a thing where you kiss him on the cheek goodbye

wow cute

one day though, hes saying bye and hes looking away while youre about to kiss his cheek

but then he remembers he needs to tell you something

so right as your lips are about to kiss his cheek

his head turns and you two share a lil innocent peck

AND YOURE BOTH BLUSHING WOW

AND THE GUARDS ARE SO !!!! 

o-ohmy gosh im so kilig you guys

CHENLE IS SO FLUSTURED THAT HE FORGETS WHAT HE WANTED TO TELL YOU

oh right he was about to CONFESS confess but like

ur flustered too so u rush out a goodbye and you LEAVE

and chenle is just !!!! ok ill tell them tomorrow !!!!

well tomorrow comes

and you dont show up

ur gma tells him that u’ve been exhausted cause of school, theyll probs be back tomorrow

so then he comes back tomorrow

and you arent there again

and this goes on for like a week

and he just Knows ur avoiding him

but like hes so fed up because he has been Waiting for the Right Time to confess to you

and so he goes over to ur house and then knocks

you answer the door and then your eyes grow wide and then u shut the door again

but chenle pushes it open and just “WAIT”

and so you just slowly open the door

“why have you been avoiding me??”

and ur just speechless cause haha avoiding you ?? why would i do that ???

and he gives you This Look 

and then ur all like ... “OKAY !!! so ive been avoiding you .... what about it..”

and he just sighs and hes all serious and ur all !! cause chenle is barely serious alsdkf

“Listen,,, i really like you,”

you pause and you just look at him before grinning

“i really like you too chenle!!”

and he just looks Frustrated cause he thinks you arent getting it

“more than a friend way!!!”

and then you start to smile and ur all like .. “the feeling is mutual bub !”

and now HES pausing cause w-what

m-marty

but then you just hug him tightly and tell him how much you really like him !!!

and he goes !!!! oh my gosh !!!! 

then you guys are just looking at each other and you really do forget that there are other people around you and he kisses you !!! wow !!! 

please spare me ive never had my first kiss before HASKDJFHASD

BUT ANYWHO

you guys are always together now !! and he even lets you meet his parents and they immediately: love you

you basically hang around him a lot and when he says he has to do sum prince duties ur all like ... huh ... i forget ur a prince LMFOAJFH

but everything is good everything is well !!!

youre just content with what you have with chenle even tho u started off a lil rocky

you just !!! like him so much !!! life is good hehe

anway end !!! prince chenle: cutest lil headcannon but chenle is ALREADY a prince !!!

Masterlist

[taenamseok]

The Moonlight Chronicles

Masterlist

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Summary: Tragedy is normal for a superhero. However, you were not sad about your past. Anger had swelled since you were younger, and something has finally snapped.

Warnings: language, death

Roles

Previous/Next

Chapter Three

You stumble through the lobby, your vision blurry. You feel a warm hand on your shoulder. You look over to see Hoseok there, eyebrows knit in concern. "Are you okay?" He asks. "Yes! I'm fine! Damn!" You snap. You storm off, leaving a confused Hoseok in your wake.

You make it all the way to your apartment, ignoring the citizens cries for pictures and autographs. Why can't they just leave me the fuck alone? You ask yourself. You slam your front door, obviously realizing something was wrong with you. You were normally sweet and quiet, rarely snapping at people. You sit at your computer desk, turning on your laptop.

"Hey, it's me again. An update. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm pissed over nothing, dizzy, and being confused is pissing off even more. Oh yeah, and the other night, I talked to my friends and told them to do something, and they just said 'Yes, mistress.' and did it. Like what the fuck is up with that? Maybe-wait..." You pause, an idea forming in your head. "That serum my parents gave me, could it be a late side effect? If so, what exactly is it? I dont know. I'll think on it. See you soon." You say, shutting the laptop. You sigh as you lean back in your chair. You decide to take a nap before going out again.

You and Jungkook decided to meet at the boardwalk, going house to house again. You knocked on the fifth to last house, and the door creeps open, revealing a disheveled man, looking maybe mid thirties, dressed in a robe. "C-can I h-help you?" He stutters, causing you to raise an eyebrow. "Hello, sir, we hear there's been some criminal activity in the area and we were wondering if you've seen anything." Jungkook repeats for the 100th time. "Uh, no n-no nothing, um, nothing is going on here." He shouts, nervously chuckling at the end. "Sir, my apologizes, but I'm gonna need to take a look inside." You speak, causing him to jump. "Um, I dont think so." He says, to me deepening. He points to the ground beneath you and you suddenly feel weightless.

You land on your back hard, thick asphalt causing you to groan in pain. You look up and see that you're 20 feet away from before, in the middle of the road, with a car coming straight for you. You roll to the side, kneeling on your knees and looking back at the house. The door is shut and Jungkook is standing in shock. "Son of a bitch." You growl, standing and marching to the door. You turn the knob but its locked. You hear shuffling and muffled screams from inside. You step back and kick the door in, rage fueling you. You can already feel your hands heating up as you see the man, bent down in front of a woman whose tied up in a chair, gagged. "You ass, get the fuck over here and fight me like a real man." You spit through grit teeth. He stands, making his way towards you.

A ball of fire leaves your palm, grazing his arm, causing him to cry out in pain. You shoot another one at his leg, and he falls to the floor. You hear Jungkook talking to the woman behind you, but its muffled by a ringing in your ears. You pick the man back up, feeble fingers wrapping around his throat. "So you're Void. That how you put me in the street, right? Through a portal? Tell me, Void, how would you feel about burning alive? I heard it's pretty painful, judging by my parents' screams. You wanna try it out?" You growl, fingers tightening around his neck as he claws at your arms, gasping for air. You feel something unusual, a strange energy burning inside of you, as bright as your own fire. You adjust your grip, letting loose for just a second when he starts speaking. "You know, you're no different than me. You're even more vicious. A villain trapped in a hero's body." He spits through gasps.

His words push you over the edge. You kick him across the face, causing him to fall to the side. "Have fun in hell." You simply say before hurling flames at him. The agonizing screams remind you of your parents, and you tighten your jaw as you turn and see Jungkook staring at you, unconscious woman thrown over his shoulders. You can see many things on his face, but the most prominent thing, is fear. You hear crashing behind you, and see the flames from the body spread up the walls, to a shelf and eventually everything surrounding you in the room. "Let's go!" You shout, pushing Jungkook out of the house. He runs to the sidewalk and you turn and walk backwards, watching as the house is engulfed in flames. You pull out your phone, contacting the firefighters. You meet Jungkook as he sets the woman down, sitting down with her on the concrete. "This is Veronica McArden. We need to tell Namjoon." He mumbles and you nod, contacting your leader.

You meet up at headquarters, the entire group in the conference room. Veronica had been taken into police custody, safe and sound. Now the topic of discussion, you. "You burned a fucking building? Y/N, do you have no ounce of self control?" Namjoon shouts, slamming his fist on the table. "I'm sorry, alright?! It's not like I meant to burn the fucking house down!" You spit back, shocking everyone. "Well..." Jungkook starts. "Shut up." You growl, gritting your teeth and looking into his eyes. His eyes go blank, face stoic. "Yes, mistress." He replies, looking straight ahead. "Mistress? That's kinky. I didnt know there was something between you two." Taehyung says, laughing. "There's not." You reply, turning your gaze back to Namjoon. "You give me no choice. Kasai, you're fired." Namjoon sighs, causing everyone to gasp. "Fired? You cant fucking fire me!" You shout. "I just did. Now get out of here before we have to force you out."

"Fired? Are you fucking kidding me?" You mumble to yourself, pacing through your apartment. Void's words ring through your ears. "You know, you're no different than me. You're even more vicious. A villain trapped in a hero's body." "Fuck, I need a drink." You sigh. You throw on a pair of skinny jeans, a hoodie, and boots, heading out the door and down to your usual bar.

You sigh as you plop down onto the barstool, ordering scotch on the rocks. You down your drink and tell the bartender to keep them coming. You feel your head start to get fuzzy when you feel a presence behind you. "Y/N." Jungkook mumbles, sitting down next to you. "Jungkook. What are you doing here?" You monotonely ask, taking another sip. "I was hoping to check on you, I was going to go to your house but I figured I'd try here. This really isn't like you." He sighs. "Yeah, well it is now so get used to it." You mumble. "You've changed a lot. You scared me while you were talking to that guy. Also, there's something else I need to talk to you about. Can we go somewhere?" He asks. You stand up, pulling out money to pay for your drinks but Jungkook is already stretching his arm across the counter, cash in hand.

"You didn't have to do that, you know." You say, nudging him as you stroll down the dimly lit street. "You just got fired. I'm not going to let you pay for anything for a while." He says and you pause, looking up at him with a raised eyebrow. "You won't let me pay for anything for a while? What, are you going to pay for all my groceries and drinks?" You chuckle. "Well, I was hoping I could buy you dinner sometime." He smiles, and your cheeks heat up. "Maybe." You mumble before picking up your feet again, making it to your apartment.

You toss your keys on the counter and sit down on the couch, sitting sideways with your knees tucked against your chest, facing Jungkook as he takes the seat next to you. "So what did you want to talk about?" You ask. You can see him tense, a frown painted across his face and he sighs. "Well, I've noticed you've changed a bit recently, and I've been worried. You've been moodier and there's one specific thing, about something that happened in the meeting. You told me to shut up, and it was like I lost control of myself. It felt like I wasn't in my own body anymore, all I could focus on was going what you told me to. My head went blank, and I couldn't do anything else. There's only one other time I've felt that way. Do you know when it was?" He asks, causing you to shake your head.

"Do you remember The Influencer? That villain that attacked the next city over?" You nod. "It felt like that. When we went over to help stop him, and he told me to run away, and I did without wanting to. That's what it felt like. Not mind control, but influence. Being told to do something, and doing it but not through the mind. Y/N, do you have two powers?" He asks. You're speechless. Two powers isn't impossible, but very rare. "I-I don't know. I didn't think I did. Would that explain the 'yes, mistress' thing?" You ask yourself aloud. "What thing?" "Well, every time someone blacked out like that, they'd say 'yes mistress' and do it." You explain and he slowly nods. "I dont remember that." He says.

"Wait." You say, sitting up straight with a realization hitting you like a train. Your parents used to inject you with a few different serums, and they would always complain that only one worked. Maybe another one worked, but took longer to appear? "What is it?" Jungkook asks. "Maybe I do have more than one power." You say. You reflect on this for a minute before Jungkook clearing his throat pull you out of your thoughts. "There was one other thing I wanted to talk to you about." He coughs and you tilt your head to the side in confusion. You let out a whimper of surprise as his lips land on yours.

[kissbaekhyunsbuns]

It’s my heart you’re stealing pt. 1

Idol!Chanyeol and Student!Baekhyun

(WARNING!! Strong language)

“The night we kissed”

Baekhyun threw his book at the wall. Sehun stared at him in disbelief. “You gotta be kidding me. Finals are in seven weeks, no worries” He said, now smiling a little, seeing his hyung being like that. “You know, today is the music awards, did he invite you?” Sehun asked and that caught Baekhyuns attention. He smiled sheepisly, trying to cover his face with his hoodie. Every kid in the campus knew that Baekhyun was solo artist Park Chanyeol’s friend and when Chanyeol was worldwide artist who made thousand dollars in a day, Baekhyun was studying so he could go to great university. “Did he invite you?” Sehun repeated and stared at Baekhyun from across the room. Baekhyun took his hood off of his head and nodded, still smiling like a sheep he is. 

“That’s cool I think. By the way, has Jongin told you about that thing between him and Soo?” Sehun asked and turned his head back to the book. He is trying to take control of his studying life finally. “Wait what? They’re dating?” Baekhyun asked pretty rushily, getting up from that lazy position he was sitting on his chair. “They kinda had a one night thing and it spread, and now they’re the school’s top one couple and now that Kyungsoo is school’s president, Jongin has three times better chances to be the dancing clubs president” Sehun said, quietly rubbing his face. Clock was about six, still he was pretty tired. “Even though clearly you and Chanyeol are the top one couple” He smiled and stared at Baekhyun again. Baekhyun’s big ass hoodie covered his whole hands, when he putted his hands on his face, trying to cover his face. He blushed easily and when they were talking about Chayeol, he always blushed. “We are not a couple, you uncultured brat!” He whined and threw his math notebook at Sehuns face. Sehun just laughed and dodged the notebook. They both laughed until someone knocked on the door. Both of the boys glanced each others and then Sehun got up and walked to dorm’s door. He opened the door and in a second Junmyeon walked in, flipping all over the place. “Did you know that Mrs. K. is going to retire next year?” He almost shouted as he walked in, keeping book in his other hand. He was studying to be a CEO. He looked like he was straight from a business trip everyday. He wore a suit, tie or a bow everyday, 24/7. “No, I didnt. Did you know that Baekhyun is going on a date with Chanyeol?” Sehun said with a little sass in his voice. Junmeyon’s face light up and he stared at Baekhyun in disbelief and happiness in his face. “Seriously? I thought it was Jongin and Soo who are the top one couple but now this? You’re going to be a star!” Junmeyon said and sat down at his bed. Baekhyun stared at him, trying to figure out what he’s saying. “So you want me to use him so you can see the defeat in Kyungsoo’s eyes? He doesn’t care about fame!” Baekhyun grunted and threw now biology notebook at Junmyeon. “Yeah, but you know that Minseok and Jongdae are going to be a thing?” Baekhyun said now pretty calmly. That caught Junmyeons attention right away.  “Well I heard that theyre crushed to each others” Baekhyun said, smiling like a sheep again. He was pretty happy about helping Jongdae and Minseok together. They both have been talking to Baekhyun about theyr crush things, and for past couple weeks they both have been talking about each other, and they are so in love. Talking about the devil himself, Baekhyuns phones messagetone rang. He took his phone, opening it. His password was everywhere 2-7-1-6. He pressed thoso numbers and the phone opened. The message was from Jongdae himself. Baekhyun opened the message and started laughing. In his message was linked a picture of a mirror, where was Jongdae. Naked. With his little ding-dong. I got up at the speed of light and ran to the dorm’s hall. Baekhyun saw his dorm’s door open. “Hey idiot!” Baekhyun shouted sheepishly smiling, walking to Jongdae’s and Jongin’s dorm, when he immediatly saw Jongdae suffering on the bed, his phone on the other side of his room. He knew he fucked up. “You sent your nudes to me, so if you want me to keep silent, give me ten dollars and a promise that you go out with Minseok” he laughed, and Jongdaes head popped from the pillows. “With Minseok Kim? H..he is wi.. with Luhan” he stuttered and Baekhyun saw his cheeks getting redder. “Yes! I have seen you with him. ”You have nice clothes” ”Thanks, would you like them 50% off? I sell them myself” ”I would like them 100% off” He is whipped for you, he literally wants to rip your clothes off of you” Baekhyun laughed again, jumping on the same bed as him, just to annoy him. Baekhyun stopped when Jongdae turned, and he clearly was thinking about it. “Ok. Deal” He laughed and Baekhyun showed a happy smirk. “By the way, who were those nudes meant to?” Baekhyun asked and then Jongdae pushed him down from the bed. Baekhyun got up laughing and smiling, running away from the room. 

Okay, now you’re all caught up. Let’s go back to the night when Asian music awards were starting.

I played with my hands, trying to keep the nervousness away. Chanyeol said he was here in five minutes, but that was six minutes ago. It was only a minute, it still made me nervous. I turned my head and immadiately saw black limo curving from the street. I felt my face light up when it drove in front of me. I wited couple of seconds and Chanyeol opened the door. My sheepish smile came back and then I saw the flowers in the backseat behind Chanyeol. “Shall we go?” He asked, smiling back at me. I nodded, as he walked me to the car. I sat down at the backseat and in a second, Chanyeol sat nex to me. “Im so lucky that we met” He whispered, taking the flowers, now giving them to me. I smiled, taking them to my lap. “So... is this a date-date or just a friendly visit at the music awards?” I asked, and that was somehow funny to Chanyeol. He laughed, covering his face a little. “Im giving you flowers, taking you to Asian Music Awards with a limo? I think it is a date, but let’s see what happens” Chanyeol smiled, taking my hand. Not like ‘no homo’, it was like ‘all the homo’. And omg that made me blush. I covered my face with my hand, trying not to look at Chanyeol.  “You’re so cute when you’re blushing” He said, letting my hand go, when he put on his sunglasses. “Why sunglasses? It is almost night?” I asked, looking at him. He laughed and lowered his glasses like in some kind of action movie. “Because I look cool like this, also I have to perform like this” He said, smiling to me his cute smile. He was so much longer than me, but he still was a little baby. “I was thinking... what are the news gonna say? Pop-star Park Chanyeol in AMA’s with a little student from Seoul?” I asked, looking at him. In radio, there was playing actually Chanyeol’s and Punch’s song ‘Stay with me’. It was my favourite collab song from him. “They are going to say what they want. No one cares” He said, smirking a lttle. Suddenly the car stopped. I looked from the window. Are we there already? Chanyeol smiled and opened the door. He stepped out and by his side was too bodyguards. Cameras were everywhere. I stepped out next to him, as he looked at me smiling. I heard some photographers asking who am I, but hanyeol just took my hand and took me with him towards the stadium.The bodyguards told us where to go. We walked from the doors, as we left the photographers with all the questions. We walked together an aisle filled with neon lights. We heard Pentagon’s ‘Shine’ being played and it made the moment weird in a good way. We walked now the aisle down to Chanyeol seat. He was next to Zico and CL. At the same table! This was like a dream come true. I smiled sheepisly as Chanyeol placed me to sit next to him, as he went to get drinks to us. Chaerin glanced at me and then turned to me. “Are you Chanyeol’s... what?” She asked. She looked amazinf She was wearing black hoodie over her bloody red dress. It was a cold night, I cant judge her.  “Oh! I am his friend!” I said, smiling at her. She smiled back, taking a quick sip of her drink. “I have known he for so long, that I see that he might even like you. He never takes anyone here. You’re special” She said, now taking longer sip of the drink. It’s weird that she seems cold and all that, but she is pretty nice. “That dress is special because it gets to be worn by you” I laughed and that made her smile. “Thank you! You are so nice! I hope I see you around!” She said as she stood up. She probably had to go perform. I smiled at her as Chanyeol sat next to me, offering me a drink. I took it, taking a quick sip of it.Then someone hit my seat and made my hand shake. My white shirt was all red because of the drink. I quickly stood up, as Chanyeol stared in shock at my shirt. A little panic took over me and then Chanyeol started to take me to the bathrooms. “Dont worry, it’ll come off!” He said, trying to calm me. He told me where the bathrooms are and I quickly ran there. I opened the door and walked to the sink. I poured the water as warm as I could take it and i tried to was the drink off. Chanyeol stayed at the table. I ruined my shirt. Everything was going wrong. Okay, the shirt was little whiter.  I washed my sleeves too, theyre covered in the drink too. I sighed, giving up. I heard Day6′s ‘Shoot me’ outside. It was a great song. Then I heard someone walking in. I glanced at the mirror. It was Chanyeol. I smiled a little. He walked next to me, smiling back to me. “It was a failure. Im a failure” I whispered and turned around. He was right behind me. I could feel his breath on my skin. “No. You are not a failure. You’re Byun Baekhyun, not a failure” He said, at the same time Jiwon walked in. Chanyeol took a step from me, staring at the floor, until he walked into one of the bathrooms. Now Chanyeol took both of my hands, putting them into my hips. I stared at his eyes. He just smiled. I tried not to look at him, but it felt impossible. “Relax” He said, now leaning in. I was pretty scared, but when he putted his lips onto mine, everything left my mind.

[weabbynormalblog]

Childhood trauma=Adult Survivor

The things we tell ourselves. Be careful for what you wish for. Its really important to stop crying over shit you can't change or control.

I know its hard. Don't do this don't do that etc. Suffering is necessary especially if your a Buddhist and certainly if your human.

The Sercret, The law of attraction, the latest buzz words, you'll catch more bees with honey, that's a fact. Act now! Try this! Find the easy way out? Is there an easy way? No decision is still a decision. Stay, go, turn in circles, pondering the all of its entirety. All vying as your solution. Yes like attracts Like. FACT Belief overules like. Thats why "This shit of attracting is all wrong!". " Hello? Belief is everything!" Its our level of personal experience that is my "now" domain. I'm the God here in my life in this body today. I believe what I believe till I believe otherwise...I say the human experience should be all-inclusive, empathetic, understanding and supportive. Most people and humanitarians would agree. That's not how nature works. Survival of the fitess. Do or die. Like attracts like and I get tackled and body slammed to the ground. Why? Am I a bad person because of "xyz"? Nope. Did I do something to someone else? No. This time it was all because I was mad, triggered and I exploded; had a verbal melt down. The neighbor was disturbed by my authentic emotions. No nukes were sent, no one is getting hurt here. Just venting and trying to work out my anger. Not to hold shit in and to stop the rings of abuse. Clearly the other person in the room was overwhelmed too. Im trying to solve some issues instead I get yelling and fuck yous. I know this is not my fault!!!??? I know the whatever happened to me. "Insert major life changing event here" I am changed there is no doubt...nothing worked out as I hopped or wished it. Even so I took all steps necessary and just the same outcome. Still void, suffering and unremarkable. Yet I am where I am. No further along or better or worst off. Cha cha cha! And I must do without and put up with injustice. Denied!!! All my emotions are tied up in a neat, tight, the most perfect, best ball of raw ugly emotions on a kitchen timer ever ...I can't talk to anyone about anything, thier shackles get up and they go on the defensive, then arguing and me walking away because again I am unable to communicate what I need and overwhelmed again by my situation. Unable to communicate what is necessary for us solve our issues to move on together or apart. Grrrrr This is so common for us with brain injury, PTSD and many other host of mental health issues. There is so much that needs to be said that it gets left unsaid. Often its too late for those in need. Its very difficult to relate and communicate effectively beyond our frustration with others. We don't have the copping tools or vocabulary to express it in times of great frustration or in dire situations specifically. Am I doing something wrong? How do I change it? I must also learn to protect myself as well. So I try to diffuse with humor. So hey dial it back a thousand buddy, calm down~ me im doing my breathing exercise "listen I got high blood pressure" in hopes they back down and talk calmly and nope. Another deep breath counting on the in to 5 hippopotamus hold 6 out 7 or 9 hippopotamus depending on my stress level at the time. Look I got a Brain injury, cant we get along? Meet half way? Can we talk later? When were not angry? No? Then just leave me alone and finally I get to walk away having dealt with someone within conflict as effective as possible. Progress for me even though nothing was resolved ~ yes theres more pain and more frustration. Live and try again tomorrow or move on. When being in a place of anger thats all you can relate to, you are not able to understand anything else? Some can some can't. Im working on my flexibility, trust, bettering my health, down to my now moment. They want some kind of resolution and they end up dragging me back under again with things that aren't helpful for me, no truth, no resolution and just more critism and blaming. Not productive. Toxic people thrive in thier emotional power. Next step then. If they can not find the same patience you need to work on "issues" then work on improving your boundaries. Refuse to discuss issues when angry, make time to talk to suit

everyone. Agree to listen and then be heard. Set a timer. Be open, be reserved to be more distant from other people emotions and be more grounded with your own. Recognize and hone in on your own emotions. Practicing mindfulness, meditation, a healthful regime, socializing that benefits you too is necessary to being a good human. Im so tired of the fucking ripples that keep all my family apart already...All of it stems from the abuse and damage to the core of my soul that left rings on my childrens' lives as well. My Maternal Grandmother was in the Holocaust that tends to mare your parenting skills and the ripples expand. 3 to 4 generations of children no longer speaking to thier mothers. Im sure thier mothers were not to blame. No one protected me either. I was given up for adoption. I was abused. It happens.Thats ok I'll work with what I got. It can end there. No need to add to a bad situation. Maybe the 1person I sent off had my back. All because I promised Daddy Warbucks to make sure my best friend got on that plane. I understand I haven't been as good a friend to myself than I have to others. I was very self sacrificing like everything was my fault. Ive turned that bus around. At the end of the day you may think nothing matters. You matter! This world is nothing without your unique personality in it. Yet here you sit alone in fears with tears streaming down into rivers...I don't know about you but Im tired of wet feet. A lifetime of abuse and suffering very often at the hand of others. I over compensated for everything. Even my language supported it. It did surprised me on the face of Oliver that day. It was painful and it revealed more of the abuse of self to me often forgotten in the past similar moments of thier upbringings. Aha! PTSD, ADHT, me with Dyslexia no doubt I suffered along with my children. 11 years later we are finally starting to do the work that should of been done back then. No one was ready. I would of made my son sit at the table during dinner. Pressured my husband to enforce our agreed rules. Took time to feel and deal with the loss of Pearl, our marriage and business ...trying to understand our feelings, deal with our mental health issues Before seemed impossible, I never gave up on my family. i gave them the space they needed. Now theres Covid restrictions and passports. This stupid ass greedy human world. And now geography is still in our way. Its a lot and still only a fraction of what some humans suffer from the hands of other humans. Very sad. Friends will come and go. I know its what needs to happen. The toxic people have to learn thier lessons too. Next step is slow down give yourself some space and peace. Deep breathing till you feel you can respond when dealing with conflict. Or make another time to work on it. Do things at your own pace, no excuse needed they will wait, they feed off of it. Practice beneficial things. Like being self sufficient, its a struggle worthy of the time and effort. Im working to overcome my issues. I now know that's not the way that love or friendship should work. I ask why me what did I do to deserve such torture? I remind myself, it's only 1 part of the journey. Everyone hurts, cries and dies. Love should bring out the best. Not the worst. They are a lousy mirror right now. Thats ok we can still move forward. I can forgive them for what they were not capable of. I love them inspite of it all. As is, as it always has been. They were only capable of showing the negative even when I worked so hard to stay positive and be a good example. If not me then who? Critisim everywhere. No solutions only problems. They beat me down at every turn...I'm still breathing. Everything's a contest and no one ever wins. If you can't do this, then how are you going to do that? Why are you judging me and why do I care so much? I care not to be in conflict and this is what is driving or rather coloring my reality. I avoid conflict like Covid. My childhood trauma that I thought I dealt with years of therapy and moved on from was rearing its ugly head yet again. How

do I slay the beast for all time? My limiting behavior needed more help. So I needed to build a better foundation for myself. One built on everthing in its own time with practice, patience,acceptance, learning and more growth. So I won't have to walk away from conflict ever again. I can lean in and help us grow together as a couple or as a family or be what the other human needs positively in thier now moment. Sometimes its not about us, its about giving back with what we have learnt. I know it sucks that we have been thrown to the odds of fate to do better apart. Its not thier fault, or mine either. Yet heres me litterally paying for all of it. With my resources, energy, health and sanity. History has a way of slapping you in the face. Yes Im woke as fuck! Your opposition yes they too pay with thier blood, sweat and tears. Perhaps never on the same page or kiss or moment. At times my heart is so broken. Doubting thoughts need correcting. Like I want nothing much to do with the whole entire human race right now, I mean you no ill will. The Talliban kill with impunity, chaos and destruction in thier wake. Do they have no wants or desires but only destruction for what they can't have? Cant we teach them how to live, love and listen? Do they not want the same as others? A healthy family, a roof over ones head and food in our bellies? Are we not all from this world? I was told this duality is healthy. The human condition needs to see destruction to appreciate growth. I still don't know how this all will help that woman with the gun pointed at her head or to watch your family be slautered in front of your eyes. No human should know this. Violence has always been a part of being human. We are a human animal. I protect my life and those that I love. Life and death I choose to fight for my life and thiers. I also choose to fight for others ...when in reality we are just fighting ourselves. I appreciate everything I lost and have. So I sit in what will be my art studio and den...I know my worth and how lucky I am. I look about all the things that are still here. Stuff holds space. Illusions fade. Love can hold space for others. Did they loved me enough to say your beautiful or even I love you? Or cared enough to be by your side during your worst moments. Perhaps a we'll get through this together? Good thing I never needed any of that. I was always able alone. I did need kindness, empathy, support and understanding. It was devastating to be met with violence. Everthing was a fight in my life. But isn't that the nature of living? Personally Im tired of the abuse. They throw it back in your face every chance they get. So it seems the lesson is to look at who Iam or are. After reflection its our belief of who they are and who we are in conflict that decides the winner. Can they learn to look beyond winners and loosers? Meet us half way? Walk a mile in my shoes. I know I can. Its going to take lots of patience, proactive support and some serious housework and cleaning to shape up humanity on this world. I'm doing my work. Im not on this rock to police or please others. What about these toxic people? Where are thier lessons? They need help too, no? Society and my answer to that, is you have to go! Then the police say no. Due to Pandemic Conditions; I am in utter disbelief but I do understand. Past abuse that was not legally recorded. Yadda, Yadda shwing shwing. What about my rights and issues? Legal up Baby! Money and the boys club is still king. Harsh as it was, there are many other moments in my life that hurt me way more. I will survive this and move well beyond. I will not let others narrow mindedness change who I am. Openess, understanding, no judgements here. Yet my generousity was used against me and in the worst way by people I love like no others. Betrayed again. 》Tip off here. Recurring themes. Betrayal can be healed. At the time you could have punched me in the stomach, I wouldn't, couldn't even feel it. There was nothing but numb and delayed reactions. "Let's face it, the best is never good enough when you

have suffered abuse and neglect." Its a deep riff and or trauma that someone else may be responsible for in your psychological makeup that makes and moulds us too. It happens a lot. Unfortunatly its more common than not. Childhood trauma. I get that. As an adult I know it's my cup to fill. Unknowingly I may have inflicted it onto others, for that I apologize. I'm still a work in progress, working on myself here. I'm the one falling, stumbling and then I get back up. The damage has been done. Please walk away, I got this now. They had affected everything I did. At the sink, the powder room, the work, the garage.....mess here and there, important things left undone...here's me trying to get them all done and save the world too in one breath. No wonder its too big, too heavy and we all need to lift. The first step is admiting ill be ok, I've got my back. I'll get through this like everything else with tears, journaling and a hot beverage. I send strength and courage to those in need. You will find a way to cope, help and move on. Believe! I'll leave that guitar right there as a reminder of my shit and thiers. Along with the 7k check and your ego at the door. Let go of all expectations, broken words and promises. The stuff they said they would do...that they never did. You want something done? Do it yourself. Can't do it all then get the professional that you need.

I understand you are broken, we all are. The catch is you have to fix it and fill it. Talk to someone you trust or write it down, talk it into a recording app...whatever help you need you deal with it in a positive way 7f you can't then look that shit up. Own your shit and get on with living! You can do this! If you live in fear find a way to empower and protect yourself. Just remember we are just human here, right now. No super powers, no agents for the world or our times. Be humble, be open, heal yourselves and then help heal others. 1 person and 1 step at a time. Like the green grass that's brown in the spring, with water, care and nutrients in the fall it will be a sea of green. Small steps add up to big changes over time. Break it down. Carve out time for happiness practice. 15 minutes a day just you sitting in peace and quiet. Every step you take from here on will go in a positive, proactive solution oriented manor or not at all. It's what you choose to do《Tip. Choose better thoughts and food choices. Work on 1 thing at a time. This is what micromanagement is good for; on yourself. Yes we can be success and happy in life without anyone, that doesn't mean we should. We need to trust eachother and work together. We learn so much from conflict so don't fear it. Its what helps us grow and learn when we become stagnant.

[softevan]

She’s An Angel, My Only Angel (Harry Styles One Shot)

Anonymous said:

Can you please write an imagine where the reader is Harry's best friend and she goes on vacation with Harry's family and then H gets so touchy and protective with her and Gemma can't stop teasing them telling that they're something else and maybe H just kiss her and confesses that he's in love with her (?)

 I’ve decided to do abit of something on the side to kinda take a break from writing RMB, but don’t worry I am posting the new chapter on Friday! But this one stood out to me from all the requests so I’ve decided to write this one! I am writing in Y/N since you didn’t give a name, but I hope you enjoy this piece! -K

 Y/N’s POV

 “C’mon Y/N you have to get over him at some point, you cant just sit here and sulk forever” Gemma blurted out when I was sitting on the couch on my phone. Looking at old pictures of me and Daniel. Me and my ex boyfriend Daniel were dating for 3 years. I thought I was in love. But I feel like, well now I know that he wasn’t in love with me, would you cheat on someone you love? After I broke up with him I knew I was doing the right thing. But something inside of me thought that I could have gave him another chance. But maybe I didn’t want to. Confusion set within me and I just didn’t know how to deal with it. From we broke up a few weeks ago, I had just been sitting around the house, not really motivating myself to do anything, apart from working, which I’ve had to call in sick because I just couldn’t work the best of my ability with him stuck in my head. But Gemma, of course, has been trying to get me to move on, which in my own head I don’t really wanna do yet, I just don’t feel ready. “I’m not sulking Gem, I’m just, I don’t know, not in the best of moods today” “Y/N your never in the best of moods recently” She came walking over to join me on the sofa, and she just stared at me, with sadness in her eyes. “Just talk to me and tell me how you feel, you haven’t been talking about it which is bad for you, you need to talk about it” I sighed and looked down at my phone, my screensaver, a picture of us when it was a lot simpler and I was happy. “I’m fine” “Y/N” She responded with a sigh and placed her hand on my thigh. If I looked up at her I knew that I was going to cry, but I had to be strong. We have been friends for a couple of years and has she not once seen me cry. “I just miss him, that’s all. I don’t know, it just feels like I’m alone, and I cant move on from it. But I know I have to” My lip started to quiver, I knew I didn’t have the strength to hold it all in, but I knew I would feel better knowing that Gemma knows how I really feel about it. “Hey, listen, your only human, you cant keep it together every minute of everyday, you’ve been hurt by some prick. Just let it out, its only normal. He was the love of your life, and that’s hard to come by. But I know that deep down you didn’t want to let him go. But I think you were so comfortable in that relationship that I think you didn’t want to breakup with him because you were scared of feeling isolated. I get that, but you shouldn’t stay with someone just to feel like you have someone. You’ve got me, Harry, Mum, Dad, and all of your friends, you don’t need him. Especially if he is being a pure knob end and cheating on you” I looked up at Gemma’s face and seeing her expression, knowing that what she was saying was one hundred percent accurate. “Yeah I guess your right”

I heard a knock coming from the front door of the porch, it was probably just the newspaper guy or something. “Gem can you get it please” “What did your last slave die of?” “Not working hard enough” We both giggled as she was walking to answer the door. I heard a few voices, then a male voice. “Where is my loving friend who didn’t reply to my texts?” Harrys tall frame came into sight when he walked into the living room. “Sorry Harry, I just haven’t been using my phone that much recently, don’t take it too personal” His face dropped when he seen the state that I was in. “Hey, you okay?” He came rushing to the sofa and gave me a massive hug, something that I actually didn’t think I needed but it felt amazing. His hugs are the best though. “Daniel and Y/N broke up” “Your kidding, why?” I looked down at my nails, nervously picking at them. Not knowing what to say to him, it just kind of made me hesitant. “He kinda cheated on me” I silently giggled, just being my awkward self as normal. “Aw love, I’m so sorry” He came and gave me another warm embrace, again, was what I needed. “Thanks H” I sat on the edge of the sofa and looked directly at him. He was probably full of judging me right now of my appearance. Hair in a greasy bun, sweats on, no makeup and sweet wrappers all over the coffee table. “I know what will cheer you up and take your mind off of that jerk off, a vacation, come join us and the fam bam” Gemma’s eyes lit up at Harry’s idea, looking directly at me. “Yes Y/N come with us, were heading to St Barts on our friends yacht for a week, oh my god you will love it” “Eh I don’t know guys, its a family holiday, I don’t wanna intrude” “Y/N don’t be silly, you are family to us, I know for a fact they will be more than happy for you to join us” Harry encouraged, looking at Gemma then back at me. I mean it would be nice to get away for a while to take my mind off of things, and it being peek season of summer it would be unreal to get a tan. And I’m with my friends, so I guess its a no brainer. “Okay, ill go then if your guna twist my arm” I smiled looking up at Harry. His face beamed of excitement and grabbed my waist, pulling me up over his shoulder and started to run around the apartment. “Were going on holiday yeoooooo, lets get packing”

 The yacht was amazing, the view was breath taking, and the weather was unbelievably warm. It was the perfect time of year to go, and I’m with the right people which made it so much better. I’m so happy I decided to go, the atmosphere here is just so positive and exciting. It was defiantly something I needed to lift my spirits. “Thank you so much for letting me join you guys” “Oh my goodness don’t be silly Y/N your family, of course you are more than welcome” Anne replied with the biggest smile on her face. Anne is such a lovely personality, just like Harry and Gemma, just so humble and polite. They are like my second family. “How do you like St. Barts so far?” Harry asked looking directly at me then back at the view. “I love it, would love to move out here in this heat, would be amazing” “It defiantly would love” As he walked past me, he placed his hand on my waist to move past me, even though there was no one there for him to move past behind me, he still touched me. And I kind of liked it. Gemma diverted her eyes over and witnessed what had happened and winked at me, what does that mean? Anne came out with a bottle of champagne and four glasses in hand. “Here Harry ill let you do the honours of popping the cork” She giggled handing him the bottle while setting the glasses on the table in front of us. “Watch your ear holes” We all laughed and waited in anticipation for the pop, which he was having problems with, so I decided to step in to give him a hand. “No you have to squeeze the base and push it up” I went in and put my hands around his, and pushed my thumbs with his to help him. He pulled my body in front of him with his arms over my shoulders, and with the force of both of us it suddenly popped with no problem. Cheers from Anne and Gemma filled the deck with laughter. I turned around to give Harry the cork and looked straight at him, but he was already looking at me, in my eyes. Something happened in that moment where I felt something there, that I’ve never felt before with him. But maybe I’ve never looked at him in that way before.

 The next day we decided to have a dip in the ocean, which has been one of the biggest fears of mine. The ocean is so deep and so far, its defiantly terrifying. I got changed into a red bikini and walked out to meet them on the main decking of the boat. Harry was laying out on one of the sunbeds with his arms under his head, with his eyes closed, wearing nothing but his swimming bottoms. I don’t know why but I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. I couldn’t stop thinking about him last night, and the feelings I got from him looking at me that way, it was a moment for sure. I walked down beside him and smacked his stomach with my towel and started to giggle. “Ah you scared the living death outta me kid, what are you up to?” “It was just funny” I grinned, making my way around to sit beside him on one of the other sunbeds. “Look at you in your little bikini, looking good” His eyes never left my body as I made my way to sit down, which made me feel so self conscious, I mean he is staring at me, in a bathing suit, I never even thought he would have blinked an eye. “Haha don’t make me blush” “Its true” “Well thank you” The awkwardness began to fill between us, of course. “Do you just wanna go ahead in? I have no idea how long the girls will take” “Yeah sure if you want to” We both got up with our towels and made our way down to the bottom of the boat where the ladder is to go into the water. Once I was down there I realised how deep the water actually looked. The panic started to rise within me and I started to hesitate. “H I don’t think I can go in there now” His face turned to mine. “Why not?” “I don’t know, its just too deep, and scary” I couldn’t take my eyes off of the water, the fear never leaving my face. “Love its fine, ill go in first and you can come in after me, ill hold you, okay?” I looked back up at him then back into the water. I have to do it at some point, and it might as well be with Harry. “Yeah okay” “That’s my girl” Did he just say that? My face started to feel flushed with the comment but I tried to pretend that it didn’t phase me, and watched him getting into the water. He turned to face me and reached out his hand to help me in. “Okay Y/N c’mon, your turn” I started to panic again and turned my back to him. I made my way down the ladder, and when I got to the bottom, I felt Harry’s hands on my waist guiding me down into the water, safely in my eyes. “See, you did it! It wasn’t that bad was it?” “Its actually nice, the water is so pretty and warm” His smile lit up while his hands were still on my waist. “Wanna go for a swim?” I splashed him and swam away for him laughing. “Your going to pay for that”

 Once we got out of the water I had noticed that Gemma and Anne didn’t join us in the water. I walked over to them with my towel over my body. “Why didn’t you guys come join us? The water is so refreshing and warm” Gemma and Anne looked at each other then at me. “It seemed like you two were having fun out there so we decided to leave you guys alone” Gemma said with a devilish grin, looking at me then and Anne. “What does that mean?” I replied. Do they see something that I am feeling? “We see the way you look at him, we know you like him” “What no way, this is Harry we are talking about here, that’s just weird, no” “That’s not what we see anyway” They are always right when it comes to reading me, I hope I’m not giving off the same vibe to him because I don’t think I have feelings for him, well so think. “Y/N we are having dinner this evening out on the deck, so wear something nice and dress up, it will be a nice night” Anne added before I walked away to get out of my wet bikini. “Yeah, ill help you decide what to wear” “That’s okay, I’m going to go and shower off this ocean water” I replied and made my way down to my room.

 As I was drying my hair I noticed Gemma coming prancing in and jumping on my freshly made bed and looking around my room then to me, until I finished drying my hair with the hair dryer. “So, what are you wearing tonight?” “I don’t know, maybe just like jeans and a nice shirt or something” I sighed brushing out my hair and turning to face her. “No no, your wearing a dress or something” “I don’t have a dress” “Well I do and your going to look gorgeous in it” My eyes squinted at her and she grinned a over exaggerated grin. “What are you up to Styles?” “Nothing at all” Her grin never left her face. “I know when your up to something, just tell me so I don’t have to go over there and beat it outta you” I threatened and she look a deep breathe in as if this was big news. “I feel like this past week or so, you and Harry have gotten closer, especially when you two have came here with us” “Yeah so, we’ve gotten closer, so what’s the big deal?” “I feel like you maybe have some feelings towards him? And don’t try to deny it, I know that look” “No its Harry your on about” “As you keep saying, I know my brother, but your not saying that you don’t like him” I made my way over to sit beside her on the bed and just thought about what she had said, is it even that obvious? “I know for a fact he likes you too” “He does?” I suddenly got butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it, maybe she is right. “I know he does, he doesn’t have to say it. That’s why you need to look good for him” “Gem I don’t want to look good for him, I don’t want anything with anyone right now. I’m still getting my head around the fact that me and Daniel have broken up, I’m still not over it yet. I just need time, and stop trying to pressure this on me, I’m just not ready yet” She looked at me and tried to read if I was kidding, which I was dead serious. “Okay, I’m sorry, I didn’t really think about that aspect of it. I just feel like Harry would treat you so much better than Daniel ever could, and I know that you know that. Just think about it” She gave a small smile and touched my leg. “Ill leave you to it, ill come in to you at seven, you better be ready” “Course I will” I replied as she was walking to the door. “Gem?” She turned around before she opened the door. “Yes?” “What colour is this dress?”

 It was about seven and I felt like I was ready to go. Gem’s dress fitted to perfection. The long black mesh lining on the top with a plunging neck line to give me somewhat of the appearance of boobs that were non existent. The skirt lining was a full mesh design that had a slit coming up the side of it. I paired it with a pair of small heels and my hair slightly curled. Gemma came into get me and we made our way up to the decking which had candle lighting with hanging lights around the top. The table with flowers was covered all the way up the middle, and the plate settings was sitting to perfection. As I was walking down to our seats I seen Harry’s face, his eyes never leaving me until I sat down opposite him, beside Gemma. “Hey kid” I whispered when I sat down and faced Harry, which was still looking at me then quickly diverted is eyes away when he seen that I was looking back at him. He did look handsome. He wore a blue polka dot shirt and black jeans, with his hair up I a bun that I always liked. We had a lovely meal and talked about literally random things, having a good laugh. “That food was amazing” Harry remarked when he cleared his plate. By this point everyone, including me, was just about to the point of throwing up because we were so full. “Yeah it was amazing” Gemma added. “So Y/N how are you holding up, with the whole thing with Daniel and everything?” Anne asked innocently, not knowing the full reason why we split up. But even hearing his name just made me want to burst out into tears. “Mum, not now” Gemma bit back and her. I slightly bit my lip trying not to cry and looked down at my fingers. “Sorry Y/N I didn’t mean to bring it up” The whole atmosphere changed around the table, because of me. “Do you mind if I be excused? I think I just need a little breather, its so warm tonight” I looked up at Anne. “Of course hunny go right ahead”

 I quickly got up, lifted my dress a little in case I tripped and walked around to the other side of the boat where the sofas where. I sat down on the nearest one facing the water. Looking out at the moon shining so brightly on the water was so peaceful, just what I needed for a breather. I knew that Anne meant to harm by mentioning it, she didn’t understand the situation, but I knew I had to leave the table because I’m just not an emotional person around people. But yet again, I couldn’t stop the tears from coming down my face. Quiet sobs came from my chest, letting it out just lifted a weight off of my chest. “Hey” Harry made his way over which made me swipe the tears away from my eyes quickly before he could see. “Hi” I never left my eyes from the water when he sat down next to me. “I’m sorry about Mum earlier, she didn’t know” “No no Harry, its fine, honestly. Its fine. I’m fine” I looked over to him and give him a fake smile, which he could see right through. “Y/N don’t ever feel like you have to have a barrier up and be emotionless to me, you can come to me if you need to talk about this you know” “I’ve done enough talking at this point, I’m just tired of talking about it, I just wanna move on” I couldn’t take my eyes off of the ocean as I was nervously picking at my nails. “Yeah you do, because no guy should ever treat you the way Danny did, I mean, you shouldn’t have to go through all that emotional stress for someone who didn’t even care about you to begin with. Y/N look at me.” I turned my face and looked straight at him trying to keep back my tears. “Your so much better than him and you deserve someone who would treat you like a princess and would do anything to make you happy. To treat you with respect and always think to themselves that they are the luckiest guy in the whole world to have someone like you. You need to know” His face looked down and he started to fidget a little, then moved closer to me, putting his hand on my thigh. “You need someone like me. I’m not saying that I am the perfect guy. But when I seen the way he was treating you, I realised that I could treat you so much better. Give you breakfast in bed, give you kisses at every chance I could get, tell you how beautiful you look every single day even if you think you don’t. You need someone to tell you they love you every at 20 times a day. And I want that guy to be me” He poured his heart out to me and I couldn’t believe it. He was sitting here and he couldn’t take a breath in between each sentence, it was like word vomit. “You look so beautiful tonight, I wish that I could kiss you but I cant. Every time I see you I wish that I could tell you how I felt, but then I see you kissing him and it just broke my heart. And it broke my heart more seeing you so upset, it killed me. But I’m just glad that you know now” The silence around us was deafening. Just taking in everything that he had said, the way he said it. I just knew from that moment that I wanted him just as much as he wanted me. “Ill give you some time alone, I’m sorry”  He got up off of the sofa and started to make his way to the bedroom doors when I had this sudden burst of want for him. I needed to know what it was like to have a moment with him. I got up and ran towards him. “Harry” I panted. He turned around and stood facing me. I slowly reached up to pull his head in for the most amazing, romantic kiss that I’ve ever had. The kiss went on for a while which felt like seconds. His lips as soft as rose petals, tasted like peppermint. It was just perfect. When I let go I kept my hands in his hair and just peered up to him, now realising in that moment his hands were pressed to my hips pulling me closer to him. “Lets give this a go, I mean take it slowly, but I don’t wanna wait” He didn’t say anything in response and just have a faint smile and went straight back to my lips. No matter what you go through in life, you always get your prince charming in the end.

 If anyone has any requests let me know my sending me either a message on messenger or drop a message in the ask me anything box, hope you enjoyed this one -K xxx

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 7 “It's a Hot Mess Express “ - Scott

People are so hard to work with. I get they don't like this challenge truly I do but I just wish they wouldn't keep shutting down every idea I had. It's... annoying. I get that I'm also the problem here. Because if an entire room full of people is saying you're wrong then you're probably wrong but still. I dislike being shut down. I've just been feeling kind of isolated since my name was written down. Even in my own alliance it seems like everyone thinks less of me for being paranoid. It doesn't help that I'm not entirely pop culture savvy so a lot of their convos I'm a bit out of the loop on. Part of me wonders if it's cause I'm in a male dominated environment? I don't think they are sexist but I do think that I'm being unintentionally ignored. Like throughout the duration of this confessional I have submitted 6 ideas/comments to the group and they've either been left in the dust or dismissed. That has to mean something right? Is it my personality? Did I come on too strong with my enthusiasm? Do they think I'm bossy? Socializing doesn't exactly come naturally to me. If anyone had met me 4 years ago you'd probably be in the know. You know that ability where you can pick up what people imply, whether through body language or through hidden meanings. I don't. I literally was born with out that ability and it has done whatever the opposite of wonders are for my life. At first I thought it was fine, I thought hey no big, everything is good, people like me eventually. But then I played Malaysia... A lot of great things came out of that game, a lot of good friendships and memories but in a way it sort of haunts me. When the confessionals came out, for the first time ever I saw what people thought about me. Sure they liked me eventually but they also disliked me. Like really really didn't like me at all. It was my first real interaction with people outside of the treatment school I went to, it was my first real interaction with the rest of the world and people hated my guts. Don't get me wrong I always suspected I was disliked but... to see their actual written thoughts on paper was hard. Of course as they got to know me they started to like me but I couldn't forget that it wasn't always like that. That at one point they looked at me or their screen or whatever and saw a pest. And that's my biggest fear, that I'm the problem. That no matter where I go people see me and are filled with dread or disgust. That people are always wishing me some from of ill because I'm bad at conversation or sort of creepy. Well at least they came to their own conclusions now, maybe they pulled their heads out of their asses or because it wasn't me they were actually able to function. God this spiraled, I only wanted to complain about how shitty my tribe was being not go on this full blown existential rant. Fuck me am I right? I'm not sure what this is going to contribute to the game. There is no hashtag big moves or fun comments but like I already typed this up so I'm not going to delete it like a pussy. 

Ok now we can talk whew. UMMMM not Connor fucking up Duncan's perfect record! Now that I'm over the shock, thank you Connor because I'm 95% sure that obsession is the reason Duncan did the most to make sure Devon voted me instead of him back on Thoth https://giphy.com/gifs/mamovie-stalking-octavia-spencer-eavesdropping-j5uEVYERR0ncYlJ36e Really pleased with how the game is shaping up tbh, assuming I don't lose another music video challenge hahaha. I would LOVE a final 3 with me, Ali, and Devon but I know that's a long way off so I'm just focusing on the here and now. My biggest concern is protecting Ali. Essentially Duncan hit me up to work with him, TJ, and Jordan and I was very much like lol not sure about that. Mainly because Jordan and I don't have a strong relationship? And Duncan was like yeah but he wants to get to know you better and I'm like https://giphy.com/gifs/week-wtf-moments-QjIz1AqkGTszK If that's the case, that needs to come from Jordan and then it's between me and Jordan. Why someone else is interceding on Jordan's behalf is very dicey to me but I'm not that surprised because that continues to be a theme with Duncan: getting me to fit into plans that best suit him. Y'all know DAMN well Jordan Pines don't wanna go to the end with me and the feeling is mutual. But I HAVE to make it work with Jordan or Duncan will get pissy. He literally was like ok well who are you close with and I felt a serious feeling in my gut to not mention Ali. So I said oh I talk to Adam a lot but I wouldn't say I trust Adam. So after telling Ali all of this lmao, we decided I needed to go back to Duncan and say yes because it would keep me in the know and keep both of us safe. Also it allows me to keep an eye on Jordan and Duncan at the same time so we truly stan. And the gag is I'm not scared of Jordan Pines and I welcome the challenge of getting him out so love yall for letting me in through the front door hahaha My new issue is just timing. We'll be ok if we win this next challenge but if not, I could see that alliance targeting Ali. Obviously I have a plan and will put the vote on someone else but I really want to prolong turning on that group for as long as I can. I don't wanna spook TJ and I know killing Jordan will leave me with a pissed Duncan and I really don't need that based on how seriously he's playing. So I'm hoping I can finesse somehow? Maybe one of them gets idoled out at merge and then a blindside on the other won't be as messy. But yeah I keep feeling like the walls are closing in, in terms of allies, and I'm working HARD to make sure I have an exit strategy at all times haha cause fuck these men I'm trying to win again. I "love everyone" which means I have no problem voting out anyone

So let me just make sure i got this right, connor tried to get people to vote for me, they all told me, he "planned" with me to go for liam, then....he votes for duncan and he goes home unanimously? little did he realize when he went around and gave a feeble attempt at rallying people to vote for me, i had already rallied everyone to go for him and made sure everyone knew he was a liar and couldnt be trusted, you know im a firm believer in loose lips sink ships and i absolutely used my big mouth as my weapon to sink his ship. Even if there turns out to be some majority alliance that did this all without me then well...i guess that's another story but im still taking my hard earned credit because either way i got what i wanted one way or another so im here for it, sorry gal! i now find myself in a position i hope i can make some moves with, duncan already just made a vague to comment to me about how "it only takes 4 now" which he's right, and he mentioned autumn, himself, me, and ali. Which, that's a 4 I would love to go forward with for the time being, i like to think ive had good genuine talks with them 3 in particular, and now we can start get together maybe lock something in and if we make it to a merge or even another swap we at least have something to work with with each other, but we'll see, we gotta focus on immunity first now, id love to win just to for sure see any of the other people who lied to me go home oop so while i may be feeling ok now i just have to remember to simmer down and play smart and make the right connections with the right people i need and saying the right things to whomever needs to hear it, because that's what i do best in these type of games to stay alive, i feel like my intuition has been leading me ok so far this game so im just gonna keep basing my decisions off that and charging forward PERIOD and ill damn sure do it with or without the help of the tomb because a bitch can not get in ive tried over and OVER at this point im back to pounding on the door of it just hoping if im annoying enough yall will let me in!

i'll do a proper game confessional later but me and dan are both judges for the svalbard music video challenge and its so sad that we cant talk... its like... this could be us working on a music video if things were different kjlsdfa its missing dan and jake hours

Whew! Sorry about that what happened was I ran out of anxiety meds a few days and that rant was the commutation of being with out sanity pills for three days! Everything is fine! I am fine! People are fine! I am sorry to the future Thoth 2.0 tribe, you are all great, I just get very spirally when I am without some sort of stabilizing force! Sorry to the hosts for using this as a diary this is not a diary this is survivor... Anyway this time I have some more constructive things to add! Okay so things are fine. Dan and I continue to bond, though he had to call me out on being bad at communication in order for our relationship to progress. I get it was like a check point or whatever and frankly I appreciated it. Like I said in my rant yesterday I have massive paranoia when comes to interacting with people and whether they like me or not, so constructive feedback while annoying is always helpful. Plus through research I found that he values a good social game so the fact that he's reaching out and telling me what I'm doing wrong is probably a sign that I'm not a lost cause :D. It turns out we have a few mutual friends our lord and savior John Coffey and also Sarah,... Lynn to be specific there are like a shit ton of Sara(h)s so should probably clarify lol. I want to work with him. I know he's in the majority alliance with the brawn tribe, which also contains Jakey and Jordan. Considering the fact that the beauties are slowly but surely getting eliminated, their favor would be helpful to me and mine. However, I know for sure that one of them wrote my name down. Honestly probably both of them. I know I keep harping on this fact but I just really really don't like the idea of looking like an idiot by aligning with someone who wanted me dead or wanted to fuck with me. If we do lose this challenge we are going to have to figure out who to keep or who to eliminate, I feel like it should be between those two. Mostly because I'm not exactly comfortable with a brawn majority. Like I know how people are saying tribe lines don't matter and while they don't, advantages do. And what more advantageous than being in a majority alliance? If we get rid of a brawn that would make it 4 brains- 4 beauty - 5 brawn. Which seems a bit more fair lol. Also RIP Connor remember how I said he was a threat? Welp I guess this is why they don't ask me for cast assessments :/ and also cause I was dead for like several years.

absolutely nothing has happened in fact i was kinda in a ~mood~ today so i feel like my social game took a big L because i didnt feel like talking to anyone and i was busy so i kept being that bitch to responding once an hour ..... but in other news i finally accessed the tomb, and once i started using more than one brain cell at a time i was able to get in and it was actually about 10x easier than i was making it out to be im not sure WHY i was struggling so much but of course, to no surprise i finally get in and the pedestal is empty AGAIN. Now there's not only at least 1 idol from the last time i went in the tomb gone, but there's possibly a second too, if not an advantage that can easily be played against me. At this point all i can do is try and recover a little bit, tomorrow ill have to just try more with my conversations and hopefully one of the people i can somewhat trust is the person who has whatever was in their time time around but probably not, it's never that easy

okay so i have a video confessional from earlier uploading which is kind of a recap of the last two rounds BUTTT!! liam just finished editing our video and i love it!! he did so good and our tribe all tried our best... im just hoping the other tribe didn't go bananas all out, because if they didn't we should hopefully win... i really wanna win immunity because otherwise i feel like adam is gonna be the vote and i dont want that anymore KJASDFA. i would just be sad because idk who the alternative would even be.... so basically we better win immunity KJLSADFA

Me: Alright everyone, make sure you film horizontally!!! Devon: Fuck you

Honestly!!! I take back what i said about Kendall. I feel like we’re making some strides to work together??? Or she’s playing me? I’m hoping to stir a Devon vote this round because I think he threw the vote on Kendall to piss me off, but who knows. I wanna talk to Jakey and see what he thinks about a me/him/augusto/Amir alliance to get through this vote? Idk I trust him but who knows!!!! Maybe everyone is lying to me??? 

okay... i know i said god is a woman and her name is autumn but its time for the remix. god is a woman and her name is alyssa's mum because alyssa's mum just rescued us from defeat in that challenge JKASDF the judges were kinda unnecessarily harsh but we move on. basically for the other tribe's tribal, i hope jake/dan/devon live... hopefully another scary old school person goes but tbh who knows what is going to happen?! im just so happy to have made f13, i said i'd come 14th in my intro so we love surpassing my own expectations

the immunity challenge went well, we won, which is good because i just didnt feel like going to tribal council because im honestly unsure what the hell is going on, i wanted to feel good about the connor vote because obviously that was my plan from the start however he just made it a little too easy by not talking to a lot of people allegedly, up until right before the vote, i dont think there'd be an easy vote next time we go to tribal, unless ... it's me... am i the easy vote?? i wanna really think im not but its just always too quiet to me when we dont go to tribal there's also lots of talk and speculation about a possible merge at 13, but me and my vivid imagination aka paranoia think maybe another swap of some sort could still happen even if for just another round or 2, i never knew with you sneaky hosts!! also i know we won in the challenge but we wouldve won in the challenge by even more if liam used more footage of my video i sent in i feel like i got no screentime!!! but of course i kept my big mouth shut for once because there's no i in team so ill try not to throw too much of a diva fit but listen... i tried to give yall a DEATH DROP, and i pulled a wig ruveal by snatching off my hat, and i was giving you a whole tik tok dance i made myself..... but there was no way i was doing more than beyonce's part so he didnt have much to work with so touche .... the full version i made will just be deleted scenes for myself ill reflect on when im more mature and think to myself "what the fuck was i doing?" 

So not to my surprise, we end up losing the challenge AGAIN!! I've just accepted that I really don't have any luck in this game. I was really hoping that we'd just win every challenge until the merge because I'm over going to tribal and voting people out. I feel like going to the amount of tribal councils that I have has left a huge target on my back. But at the same time, I'm playing the game more than other are. Maybe I have that going for me, who knows. Anyways, the Thots alliance is deciding on either Devon or Dan for this vote. I basically told them I was good with either, even though I would perfer to keep Devon so that I at least have more of an opportunity to rebuild our relationship. I've made it very clear that if the group as a whole wanted to do Devon that I'd write his name down to prove that I trust this group moving forward. So we decide to go with Dan for this vote, and this doesn't really sit well with Jakey. I'm not surprised by that, since I know he's wanted Kendall out for awhile now. But he is really adamant that he doesn't want Dan to go. Which I get, he thinks that Dan would trust him moving forward. When it comes to Dan though, his social game lacks so much that it's like "I don't even know if I can trust him moving forward". And I think the fact that Jakey more so wants to target Kendall this round instead of Dan is a strong sign for me. I'm pretty positive he has an idol since the brain one has been found and he's lied to me about clues before. So this has me thinking, maybe it's a good time to get Jakey out this round? Thinking about it numbers wise for the future, we don't really need Jakey's vote for a majority this round since the four beauties and myself makes 4, and if we bring in Devon that's 5. Plus, I don't even think that Jakey's under the impression that he would... get voted out this round. He seems offly confident that he's staying, just that Dan's going. But I like to think he'd let Dan be a sinking ship and go.. Idk I'm gonna try to pitch this to Amir and see what he thinks. I kind of tried to hint around it to Augusto that Jakey wasn't cool with it, but Augusto kind of turned a blind eye at that. And I don't trust Kendall with my thoughts since she's very blunt... so I wouldn't be surprised if she leaked my plans. Similarly to what Devon did when I voted him out last week. I'm hoping that Amir will see where I'm coming from and that he might be open to that concept. For all I know, I could be voted out this round. And honestly, that'd be the smart move for them to make because my perception in the game so far has been pretty spot on. I think my self awareness this time around has been an asset for me, so I'm hoping that I can get by this vote and hopefully enter the merge soon. 

Coming back into the game, I knew I needed to open up a bit and start to Slither earlier than I would imagine. After throwing a vote onto Kendall, I broke down any chance between the Beauty and Brawn working together to knock out myself and Scott. I haven't told anyone about my vote, and don't plan to. Going into this vote, Dan should be the obvious choice. OG Brawn hasn't suffered any additional losses in numbers, and I'm just too close with Augusto/Amir/Kendall to consider flipping. In preparation of tonight NOT being a swap, I established an alliance with Amir and Augusto. They are a duo in every sense, but attaching myself to them sets up the opportunity to at least CONSIDER voting out Scott next round. It would have to be between him and Scott. 

All I got to say is oof… I genuinely thought I was on vacation after the last round like I’ve been SO bad about talking to people or at least that’s how I felt cause I was operating at 60% instead of the 110% I do when I socialize. That being said, I have my goals that I want to stick to and see happen. Dan needs to leave this tribal so I can get Jakey out next even if Dan leaving makes me really sad. Dan leaving takes a number away from the Brawn and a number away from Jakey, who I am able to get out by keeping Devon and having him/Kendall/myself/Amir vote for him if we happen to lose again. The alliance of me/Kendall/Amir/Jakey/Scott went on call last night and it was deadass an hour and a half long call where everyone was like “idk who should go but I’m fine with whatever” although… that certainly wasn’t the case. I, personally, made points that were pro-Devon such as Devon not having any clear allies to reunite with at merge and things like that and EVENTUALLY at the last 5 minutes of the call, we decided that Dan leaving is the better option. Scott and I even discussed a Brawn having to go before we even did the call so yeah. One thing I could tell though? Jakey was not having it. I understand his frustration but you can’t have your cake and eat it too. I voted out AJ to prove that I am not here to play by tribal lines and you said you would do the same but here we are… Amir called me last night telling me about how Jakey was trying to strong arm him into voting Devon out because Jakey didn’t want to do Dan… like sir, I’m? I’m very happy that Amir came to me and confided in me to kinda spill out his emotions like that makes me <3 but it also made me wanna pop off at Jakey because I don’t like those approaches in games hgfjdks even if I do really like Jakey, I was just ugh gjfdks. That aside, I feel like I am doing good about getting information and building friendships out here like I’m DEADASS is almost every single alliance on the tribes I’ve been a part of and while I don’t get tons of info from direct sources (ie. Jakey), I get the information from close allies (ie. Amir) which in a way can be even better? That being said, I’ve been way too good at forming friendships that every vote makes me feel really bad? With Dan for example, I adore that man like even if he isn’t the most talkative he’s just amazing. But does Dan benefit my game as much as Devon? Not really, even if Dan wanted to align. I’m sticking to my promise of doing what I have to do and be a little bit more cutthroat than I usually am because I do genuinely want to win this game and I’ll do what it takes to get there. Honestly, I’d be SHOOK if we do not merge next round or the round after ghfjdksm but I’m just trying to plan ahead and look at my connections. My Thoth connections are Amir > Kendall > Devon > Scott > Jakey whereas my Hathor connections are Autumn > Duncan > Adam (?) > TJ > Jordan > Liam M > Ali. If we do merge, making a secret thing with Autumn would be KEY just to have another person in my corner but also I need to connect with a Brawn to be good with them yknow? It’ll definitely be interesting and I can see the merge being messier than a taco bell bathroom BUT I’m hyped at the same time?

How is it already Day 16? There seems to be something seriously wrong with that. Anywho, I've let myself take a quick step back on the social game these last few days. I think I've put in the work to cement a couple strong groups here and can put myself in a good spot, but now I can avoid being the person that probably would be seen as a huge threat in the near future. Once merge hits (which I'm hoping is this next round), I'm going to have to go back to bringing that social game to a 9 (10 is where the Alyssa threat level begins), but right now I'm hopefully putting myself in a good place. In the event we don't have a merge and have one more vote on Hathor, I really think I need to make a move on Ali. I realize I keep saying this and I'm going to feel awful when he sees this all, but he is such a HUGE threat, and I can't let him skate by to where there's no room to stop him. I made that mistake last time in letting the person I knew would win get too far without me being able to stop them. Not this time. Ain't no fucking way.

This may very well be my last confessional lmao. I’m just feeling very paranoid about this vote and honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone votes for me except for Jakey. Or if he even flips to the majority against me. And honestly! I’ve come to terms with it. I really tried my best in the game and I can’t be mad about how I performed in this game specifically. I understand I’m a threat in these games and if people are worried about me end game, quite frankly they should be. I know that I’ve played Tumblr Survivor one too many times and should have quit while I was ahead. I know I’ve talked about working with Kendall and killing Devon, but honestly idk who is voting where. I think I’m going to try to just go with what I think is majority (against Kendall) and just hope to god I’m not going anywhere. I hate having this defeatist attitude, but if I get voted out I’m going to have zero hard feelings and take it in stride. I guess I’m just not cut out to win tumblr survivor ❤️

Our video was so iconic, SHOUT OUT TO ALYSSA'S MOM!!! I should really be making sure im fortifying the bonds i've made but im really just happy to be on break and not have tribal. I've only been to tribal once within a 7 day time span instead of the 4 times in 7 days the brains endured before. I will say i was positively shook to get the vote from connor, but i never thought i could play a perfect game anyways lol. I'm hoping to god that dan or jakey go, i dont want the brawns over here to have other options than autumn and i come merge. Im surprised at myself because im starting to really want to stick with all these people come a merge, i suppose we'll see how it goes and how my attitude changes moving forward. 

Sooooooo I actually felt kind of bad about voting for Dan until he was throwing my name out :/ I guess you can't teach an old dog new tricks. I'm kind of nervous now. Like Jakey told me this and he did the same thing to AJ. Also I haven't heard anything from Scott yet... that's sketchy right? Ugh I swear if I'm voted out then Alyssa's mom, I will meet you in the Denny's Parking lot for a fight. I'm not afraid to throw hands at the elderly, ask Drew. 

We love when men listen to me an in turn we win immunity! This is now the second time that's happened lmao cause I sure did make everyone commit to a time block so we didn't play ourselves in the endurance challenge and I sure did suggest Telephone as the song choice so wooooo Not a lot has happened and I don't have a lot of time to talk to begin with but I have a strong feeling we are not merging tonight lmao. Tbh I look forward to another day on Hathor it's very chill over here, all things considered. Also I need a couple chill challenges the next two rounds cause ya girl is moving, graduating, and leading an underground movement all at the same time so don't set me up with a crazy time-consuming challenge lol

I feel vindicated. Starting off in this game, I was not doing so well gameplay wise. Flash forward, I've been a big contributor physically, and socially too! I've got big plans, and I will carry this tribe again if I have to!

(may've already submitted this but i'm worried i submitted it for day 18?)

Also...

ok let me just start by saying: im in an emotionally FRAGILE state at the moment writing this right after the winners at war finale.....SPOILERS IF YOU HAVENT SEEN BUT I HAVE TO SAY IT....NATALIE AND WINCHELE ROBBED, as inspired as i am by my aries sistren natalie and think she should've won, im even more upset for my fellow beauty sister michele because lowkey? i absolutely LOVE the way michele plays, because in my own head at least i like to think i at least play slightly similar, i like to lay low and just adapt to where i see i can fit the best, anywho thats all ill say on that, back to THIS game dan being voted out last round, was kinda meh, i had the tiniest conversation with him during one world and he did end up giving me some tea about the brawns, but i couldve easily tried working with him later on against the beauties, PLUS him leaving means that none of those false beauties left, which is bad for me because i want them all gone oop and ive worked hard over here trying to make sure everyone knows they are threats even if theyre not working together, they went against me and lied to me, which means i cant trust them or work with them, which means i need to make sure no one else does either it's very nice though duncan has approached me and asked who i was comfortable with incase we did go to tribal and he said him and jordan pines were pretty close and honestly jordan is the only one ive been on a call with this whole game which is fine because anyone who knows me knows i dont care for calls much in this game and that usually hurts me so im hoping its not hurting me this time but truly, im not sure people are approaching me way more with information and plans then they ever have so im hoping thats a good sign, espcially with duncan saying he basically wanted me to be in the know with him, i think i can trust him as of now going foward and i hope the same about jordan pines, because first of all i love his energy and him as a person my fellow stoner crackhead, and second of all let's be real i definitely want to use him as a shield later on cmon the guy has a season named after him, forget denise being the queen slayer, i want to be the king tamer also in good with ali and autumn i think?? i personally enjoy my short little convos i have with them frequently so i just hope we're on the same page, but idk the little voice in the back of my head is telling me it all seems too good to be true almost like a perfect illusion and maybe duncan is tricking me trying to talk to me about "keeping this tribe strong", so i guess we'll have to wait until the next time we go to a tribal together to find out so yeah in conclusion, sorry to dan, and plot twist of the century im rooting for jakey to not be voted out the other tribe? even though im still convinced he could be making me his number 1 target especially if he gets in kahoots with kendall, but im hoping i played them against each other enough during the one world so that didnt happen 

What do ya know....another tribal council. After only being exempt from one tribal, this has become somewhat of a routine. I am extremely confident in the numbers this round. I'm under the belief that everyone will be writing down Jake's name, and Jake will likely be writing down my/Kendall's name. Still, I believe there is a worry about idols. I would hate to be idoled out by Jake after everything I have worked towards...I can't afford to throw my vote on Kendall or Scott with the merge coming up so soon, because it fractures my game going into a potential merge...Somewhat of a "all or nothing" bet tonight.

Me @ the brawns who have been on this tribe: https://media.giphy.com/media/szPZ2NXIGCMcE/giphy.gif

So a couple new developments: 1. Jordan offered me a final two which I'm sooooo excited to see how that's going to turn out. I've really connected with Jordan this game (which admittedly I didn't think would happen before this game), but he's been the person I've confided in the most out here. So I really think this is going to be the start of something amazing. 2. With this F2 deal, Jordan told me that Amir/Jakey knew each other outside of this game. This is bad for me both because Jakey is supposed to be my other guy with Jordan, but also Amir is the person I'd want to target come merge (which should be next round). I have zero connection to him, he's proven to be good at comps, he's won this game before, and he doesn't add into my plan of having numbers on every side. So now I'm in a spot where I think I'll probably have to make a move against potentially my closest / other closest ally in this game. Being safe right before the potential merge feels amazing and opens a lot of opportunities, but is extremely scary knowing who is going to merge. Hopefully come to merge, I have a chance at the merge idol to avoid anyone else having the chance at getting it, because I need some added knowledge in this game.

I am so fucking pissed at Devon. WHY ARE YOU ON THE BRAINS IF YOU HAVE NO BRAIN CELLS!!!!!!! dsfjkaafkjdaldjfjadksjads Great now I get to die!

I don't know why Jakey wants to kill me. I am not a threat. Like at all? Most of the strategies I come up with are bad and I am barely social? Sure I guess I can win like a challenge or two but not enough to be physical? I mean I'm trying to kill him but like... honestly he started it 2 rounds ago. I am a paper tiger worse I am a paper giraffe. Sure I'm tall but basically harmless and only sort of evil. At least I remember why I hated him so much. I don't hate him NOW, I'm 22 years old I have better things to do then hate some guy for trying to win a game. But I am annoyed and inconvenienced by this. Maybe a little hurt too because the only reason I can think to get voted out is because my personality sucks so much that he doesn't see a future where we can work together. Which is fair I guess? But I can't be that awful right? God this game is a constant existential crisis... Also I think people are annoyed with me for being paranoid and shit. Oh I'm sorry people who's name isn't getting written down, I'm sorry I'm not more pleasant while I'm in fear for my metaphorical life. 

It’s a MESS ITS A FUCKING MESS SCOTTIE WANTS DAN OUT DAN WANTS DEVON JAKEY WANTS DEVON DEFON WANTS DAN AUGUSTO AND KENDALL WANT JAKEY AMIR WANTS NOT JAKEY OR AUGUSTO OR KENDALL I literally don’t have number in this game and I’m going to get fucked on at the merge 

Okay so Augusto basically told him that his name was an option for this vote or the next one and Kendall told him that the brawns are bringing up his name and said that he was the throw away vote So now my gut is telling me dan did it and jakey was in on it But I don’t care, if that’s the case Everyone on this tribe wants a brawn out, EVERYONE I just have to make sure it’s not jakey Because Augusto and Kendall want jakey now and I refuse it Rn it seems they r okay doing dan It seems everyone is cool doing dan So I’m happy with that

Jakey is fucking strong arming me r u joking Ndbdjdjsns Jakey talked to scottie And got scottie to want devon So now they’re gonna try and call the alliance tmmrw and change to vote back to devon over dan And if Augusto and Kendall don’t want to Jakey wants to pull brain and brawn to vote kendall like sir I’m literally getting strong armed, and he can’t see why people want dan out I could make a move rn But should I even I probably shouldn’t If they try to get kendall I will flip it on him 

don’t know what to do I’m pleading so hard with jakey rn like hey it’s not good for me to go into merge with 6 brawn 4 beauty (dysfunctional) and 3 brain (dysfunctional) And I said I want to do dan is that okay like jakey u need to choose a side, brawns, or this tribe And he goes If u decide to do dan Then I’m gonna unite dan and Scott and Devon and vote kendall So if that’s the case, I’m sending u home theres no way around it then

Throw back to last night when I hung up on jakey to call Augusto and told jakey that I was taking a shower but literally I was gone for an hour and needed an excuse fast so I told him i shaved my ass call that strategic ass shaking 

Okay so this tribal. Everyone on my tribe thinks jakey is evil and he’s just going to go back to the brawn tribe, which is like, wtf, he literally voted in minority on purpose and gave us leverage on him. Like he literally has put himself on the line multiple times. He ratted out the brawn majority over and over. Like jakey is not loyal to the brawns on the other side at all. The people on this tribe don’t give a shit and my opinion isn’t being heard at all, Kendall won’t budge and Augusto won’t budge, and Scott wants to keep devon. Can I just say scott is a rat, he is playing every single person. Jakey trusted him soooo much . Anyway, everyone wants jakey out for literallt no reason and jakey trusts me 100% and jakey is the best way to get info from the brawns on the other side. Anyway, KDJDKSN KDNDKD we are getting dirty. Jakey has an idol. And I told him he was the vote and I made it sound like it’s all Scott’s decision cuz I’m really tight with Kendall and Augusto, so now, jakey wants to idol out Scott Basically, it’s time for a cluster fuck and it’s time for chaos So at merge jakey and I will play from Opposite sides

so jakey fking tried to flip the vote and he blew up the 5 person alliance to devon and hes fucking up my game so much nkwejfnkew god maybe i will try and get him out at merge even tho i love him, i basically had to ccreate this narrative that jakey thinks that me jakey scott and devon are voting kendall but jakey is actually voting out scott jesus christ thi round gave me a migraine i have a case of the lie-abetes

I- there's nothing else to say hahaha the boys don't even talk game. So when I know something y'all will know something

People are paranoid as hell about a merge. What is there to be paranoid about, honestly? I've just tried to come into this game and have a good time and I think I've achieved that. No one is really looking at me as a threat right now, and there's still plenty of time left to play.

okay so i filmed a video confessional earlier which i will upload but adam just woke me up to the fact that we might be merging tonight?! which is so exciting and kinda crazy.... and the days line up with montenegro for us to be merging... at merge i think all my "laying low" can finally be for something and i can transition the bonds i've been making into making stuff happen. i've also been hosting a game during these quarantine times and i've realised people that do too much making SUCH deep bonds during the early stages become the people the jury is mad at in the endgame. i feel like im the middle ground, people feel close to me (and I would like to think I've come across as likable) without everyone thinking im their soul sister closest ally. at merge i think my "close" people who i can somewhat rely on are: autumn, jake, dan(?), jordan(?) and adam? like i have a core of people with various connections, which gives me some cover. its just about then feeling out the rest and seeing who i can trust amongst the rest... particularly the unknowns of augusto/kendall/scott/amir (assuming they are all at merge). like that is going to be the most important part of the merge stage for me, is figuring out which of them i can trust (and i do think dan and/or jake's opinions can help with this, because brainstorming with autumn helped me figuring out this hathor swap tribe).

i'm excited for merge... i do think i have early juror written all over me but i am also very excited. its time to emerge from the shadows and stumble my way into the light

live fast die young merge boots do it well. i literally am a clown, i got excited by my guess going so well and now i literally am a target the size of the sun exclusively because of my own actions what was i thinking KJASDFA honestly at this point? i embrace it, i push the 'im a shield' narrative and i trot on my little trotters to being mayor of ponderosa. this season i chopped of my own head so will not be the winner and the king, but hopefully i can be a kingmaker? also if me winning the tiebreak sends jake home i literally will be so unspeakably frustrated with myself i will literally... scream. HE PROBS HATES ME. i'm praying he lives i will feel so bad if he doesnt KLASDF

i literally... can not believe i am so stupid my lack of braincells really boggles my mind

So I was really hoping that we would win this challenge today because I like everyone on this tribe. But of course with my luck in this game, we lose AGAIN. And it's a shame because I like the Thots Alliance and i feel bad voting out Devon. I know he's someone who trusts me and although I don't 100% trust him, I know that he's someone I can depend on. Plus he makes a really good goat at the end, so it'll make winning more of an obstacle for me without him there. To my surprise however, Kendall and Augusto approach me with the idea of voting out Jakey. I really like Jakey and I practically see him as my #1 here, so voting him out would be difficult for me to do as well. We've discussed the idol together, he gave me his CBS all access account info to watch the finale, and hes one of the very few smart people in this game. So on a personal level, this is a hard decision to make. However, from a game perspective, it might be the right call. Jakey's setting himself up to be a swing vote at the merge, and the fact that he campaigned for Dan to stay and was adamant on not voting him out shows that. When it comes to Devon and I, I would prefer to not vote Devon out but if I needed to in order to show that I trust an alliance moving forward I would. So the fact that Jakey doesn't see it like that is alarming to me. In addition to that, I know that Jakey has lied to me multiple times in this game. He purposefully gave me the wrong idol clue for one of the matches, and when I called him out on it he bluffed it up. On top of that, I know for a fact that he voted for Kendall during the AJ vote. And the fact that he's trying to play it off on Devon goes to show the lengths he would go to make sure he controls everything. And on top of that, he wants us all to tell Devon straight up that he's going. Like... did he not learn from my story when I tried to do that? It can't happen. From a game perspective, voting out Jakey is the more logical choice to make. He can navigate better in a group of people and is aware of whats going on. Devon on the other hand, doesn't even know where the idol is or how to look for it. Devon is someone who you can take into a merge and know what he's going to do. Jakey is more unpredictable. And I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to rally up troops to blindside me when that time came. From a personal perspective, I prefer that Devon goes just because of the lack of trust between us and the fact that I don't ever see myself fully trusting him. Sadly I have to lose this battle in order to win the war at the end. So I'm going to vote Jakey out tonight and really hope that it doesn't come to bite me in the but or that he doesn't play his idol (i know he has one, its obvious with how paranoid he's been)

Guess I’m gonna cry because we lost… by a tiebreaker… it was sad. I feel especially awful because had I not made the mistake of repeating a name on my list during my 8th guess, we could’ve very well have won… but no one needs to know that! It just blows because going into a potential merge in a 7-5 scenario is NOT it. Plus like, their only vote was a unanimous vote for Connor which like… love Connor, but a rock could vote Connor out. I wanted to see tension, I wanted to see idols played, I wanted to see hands thrown, I wanted to see lines drawn, and I wanted to see messiness but all I ended up seeing? Disappointment. I hate it here deadass (‘:

Aside from being kinda sad we lost, I do feel super secure. Last round, I wanted Dan to leave to get rid of Brawn numbers and have the best chance to get Jakey out and now I have that! I know Amir is on the fence but I know Kendall and Devon would be all for it (Scott is as well, but I didn’t really know how much he’d be about it until this round) so it needs to happen. While I adore Jakey as a person and we’ve connected a lot, our strategic games don’t align at all since he doesn’t tell me much of anything? Most of his info goes to Amir or Scott and I’m being selfish here but I want all the tea (‘: plus him playing double agent with the Brawns at merge is not what I need if we’re going into the merge with not enough numbers. Not only that but Adam is a wildcard in terms of if he’ll work with me or not but Jakey being there with us makes it so Adam wouldn’t want to so there’s that. Girl… i sound like a whole ass gamebot wtf ghfdjnms

It’s so weird like I am extremely proud of the game I am playing but I still feel inadequate as a player? I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others because I’m ME but my two closest allies (Kendall, Amir) are playing so much better? Amir is able to get all the tea in the world and form those important game connections which I don’t feel like I can yknow? With Kendall, she is just so bold (and beautiful) with her gameplay in a way I could never like she doesn’t mind being the secondary target, she talks to everyone and talks game with everyone, and stuff like that. So in a way, I’m probably not a major threat to people because those two icons are here BUT I also don’t know if that’ll make me seen like a non-factor… that’s just how I feel going into merge and it’s kinda mehhh idk ;-;

MERGE IS COMING. TOnight actually, people are speculating, but im the only one with the certainty that its tonight and im feeling wonderful. I think if I play my cards right Im gonna have a lot of options come merge. God pending Kendall does not die tonight (hopefully her beauties keep her alive) im gonna suggest we secret pair beware this shit and tsart working from opposite sides to keep each other safe. That will allow me to pick of people Im not working with, while hopefully ensure that people im not with who are with her will be detered from targeting me. Thats my plan but who knows what the true dynamics of merge will be. Ive been playing quiet so far but im about to become the star of teh show, my ego just cant take it.

i really feel like by getting a five i got jake voted out and i want to scream i literally am gonna be out for blood if he goes

[sadrien]

prince of cats

chapter two: this holy shrine

on ao3 || on ffnet  1

i was gonna say something but im in like a really really bad mood right now so i hope you enjoy the chapter

Marinette hesitates for longer than usual at her apartment door. There’s no way her neighbor will be out and about at this time today, she’s never run into him before yesterday. Maybe he just had an errand to run or something. She shouldn’t be nervous about the slim chance of seeing someone she’s exchanged not even half a conversation with.

At least, that’s what she keeps telling herself.

The reality of the situation is that she fell asleep on the couch in the middle of designing an evening dress and had dreamt about his eyes. His eyes! God it’s like she’s a teenager again.

Just as she’d predicted, she doesn’t run into her neighbor. She’s strangely disappointed. Not that she had been looking forward to see him, she just—

Okay. Yes, she’d been looking forward to at least catching another glimpse of him. She kind of wants to hear his voice again, maybe hear him laugh?

For some reason, she thinks it would sound like springtime—

Marinette shakes away those wistful thoughts as she exits the building and makes her way to work. She focuses on the evening gown she started designing the day before and makes a point not to use any green. But she can’t help but think that it would look really nice with green accessories.

Why is she like this?

If any of her coworkers notice that she’s a little off, no one says anything. They probably don’t, they’re all drowning in anxiety as they rush to finish this line, but Marinette can’t help but worry a little whenever she catches herself staring off into the distance thinking about his smile.

Eventually, she gives in and pulls out her phone, texting Alya quickly. She should’ve told Alya yesterday at lunch. It probably would’ve turned out better.

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Sos      I need help

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      babe arent u in work???      but as always im here to help and fix everything

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Theres a guy and hes cute

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      idk what i was expecting but it wasnt that

Marinette resists the urge to bang her head against her worktable. She just needs one rant to Alya and hopefully all this will be over. She’ll get over this tiny infatuation and move on with her life. And stop thinking about his gorgeous green eyes and how he’d stared at her when— 

Her phone vibrates with a new message and breaks her out of her daydream.

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess ��    k so theres a guy      how can i help

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Good question      I jsut?? Cant stop thinking about him????

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      oh wow      how come ive never heard about this guy??

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Um…      I met him yesterday???

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      girl

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      I know I know!!!      We ran into each other      Literally      And he was tall and blond and pretty and was wearing this gorgeous black trenchcoat but thats off topic and he had this cat that for some reason was all sparkly??? And his eyes were nice and I dont even know his name and Im going to stop talking and just send this message so you can judge me

Marinette puts her phone down and focuses on her job for a few minutes. Alya will still be there when this hem is done. She’s surprised to find herself in the zone and is even to ignore a few vibrations from her phone as she stitches. But it’s not meant to last, because as soon as she finishes the hem, she’s reaching to reply.

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      oh girl      uve got it bad      for a complete stranger!!!!!      im not gonna judge i find random people hot all the time but im not usually this…….fixated on them

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Just do it al      Call me creepy

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      ur a beautiful tropical fish mari      u poetic and noble land mermaid      ur not creepy ur in love

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      You cant be in love with someone you just met Alya!!!!!!!!

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      tell that to cinderella!!!!!!!!!!!!

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Plot twist this is real life al not an animated disney movie      I cant fall in love with someone I met ONCE

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      not with that attitude

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Oh my god      Look I dont even know his name

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      so we make up a name!!      lets see………      ive got it      chat noir      ur prince is named chat noir

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Excuse me

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      he has a cat      he wore black      chat noir

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Youre truly the voice of our generation

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      ;*      k i have to get back to work and i kno u do too (smh using me to procrastinate how dare u (ilysm)) but ill call u later      u me and nino can freak out about cute boys      k??

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Sounds great      Thanks <3

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      of course darling!!      have fun with ur fashion ill hear u yell later

Marinette puts her phone away. She can last until tonight. Right?

Thank god it’s Friday.

✦ ✦ ✦

By the time her lunch break comes around, Marinette has been productive enough that she could’ve stayed home and the results would’ve been the same. She shouldn’t be letting something so trivial get in the way of her actual paying job, but apparently she has no control over her own thoughts.  

Marinette seriously debates taking the rest of the day off (because that’s really what she’s come to) but acknowledges that, no, that’s a bad idea. She’s an adult with deadlines and will get over it and be productive for the rest of the day.

She does go home for lunch, though. She has leftover takeout in her fridge and an episode of a random TV show to finish. She had stopped paying attention at some point to focus on her designs, but she had been weirdly invested in the over dramatic characters and cliche plotline.

Marinette is digging through her bag looking for her keys when she hears the door next to her unlocking. She freezes, eyes wide, as the door swings open.

Her neighbor hums to himself as he closes and locks the door behind him. He doesn’t even notice she’s there until he turns around and they make eye contact and Marinette goes redder than last winter’s avant garde piece.

“H-hi,” she stutters, clutching her keys tightly in her hand. She can feel the ridges of the key biting into her palm.

He blinks a few times before turning pink. “Oh my god,” he whispers, “you’re the one I completely knocked over and then ran away from yesterday.”

Marinette laughs awkwardly. “Yeah, that was… That was me.”

He rubs the back of his neck. “I-I am so sorry. I really, I just— I had to go grab Plagg before he vanished on me and I wasn’t thinking and then when I got back you were gone and—”

“It’s fine!” Marinette interrupts. At least she’s not the only mess in this hallway. “Plagg?”

“My cat,” he answers.

She raises an eyebrow. “The…sparkly one?”  

“Um…” He sighs. “Okay, so I might’ve used a bath bomb and I might’ve forgotten to rinse out the bathtub and Plagg might have gotten into it and might’ve rolled around in the glitter.” He looks away. “So my black cat might’ve been gold.”

Marinette covers her mouth with her hand to stifle a laugh.

“He’s fine!” her neighbor insists. “He got a bath and is hopefully completely glitter free now and also that glitter is made of seaweed so… He’s fine. Sorry for knocking you over.”

“No harm done,” Marinette promises.

His eyes go wide. “I just realized, I’ve been rambling on about my cat and you don’t even know my name.” He holds his hand out to her. “I’m Adrien. I’ve lived in the building for a few months I just…never got around to introducing myself to anyone.”  

Marinette smiles and shakes his hand. At least she can tell Alya they don’t have to call him Chat Noir. “Marinette. It’s nice to meet you. And your cat.”

“Nice to meet you too.” Adrien lets go of her hand and she mourns the loss of contact. Pathetic. “I have to run to the store, but maybe I’ll see you around later?”

Marinette nods. “Y-yeah, definitely.”

He shoots her a dazzling smile that melts her heart. “See you then.”

She stares at him until he disappears into the stairwell and continues to stare until the echoes of his footsteps fade. The she opens her apartment door and nearly collapses inside.

She’s going to be lucky if she makes it back to work in time.

✦ ✦ ✦

“Alright,” Alya says, pouring herself a glass of wine. “I’ve filled Nino in on the little situation and we are ready to yell about our tall, blond, and handsome Chat Noir.”

“You better be pouring me some of that,” Nino says from offscreen.

Marinette resizes her Skype window as Alya scoots over so Nino can sit next to her. Alya hands Nino the wineglass. “Here you go, babe.”

Nino takes it. “Are you not going to need another glass?”

Alya picks up the bottle. “Nothing wrong with drinking straight from the bottle.”

Nino shakes his head. “Anyway, tell us everything, Mari. I want to know it all.”

Marinette pulls her legs up onto the couch and crosses them. “Well…there was actually a development.”

Alya and Nino exchange a look.

“Tell me everything,” Alya says.

“Right, so remember when my neighbor moved out a few months ago?” Marinette asks.

They both nod.

Nino shudders. “Thank god too, I hated that dude. He was a massive dick.”

“Okay, well, then that new neighbor moved in and I never had time to meet them?” They nod again. Marinette takes a deep breath. “I just met him.”

Nino groans and Alya buries her face in her hands.

“He’s your fucking neighbor?” Nino asks. “That’s just—”

“You could’ve been gawking him for months!” Alya interrupts throwing her arms out.

“I just—”

“Wait, how have you never run into him before?” Nino asks. “Does he never leave the house?”

Marinette shrugs. “We must have very different schedules.”

Alya sighs. “And this isn’t fanfiction. People don’t just knock on their neighbor’s door asking for a cup of sugar.”

“His name is Adrien and his smile is like the sun,” Marinette waxes, sinking back into the couch. “He likes bath bombs and has a black cat named Plagg and when he blushes he turns the most perfect shade of pink.” She tenses. “I mean—” She glances to her laptop to see Alya and Nino watching her with fond smiles and soft eyes. Marinette looks away, feeling her cheeks grow hot. “Shut up,” she mumbles.

“It’s cute,” Nino promises.

“It is,” Alya agrees. “We haven’t seen you like this in years, Mari. It’s adorable. You’re adorable.”

Nino hums in agreement. “Though it sucks that we can’t keep calling him Chat Noir. I like the nickname.”

Alya scoffs. “Who said I was going to stop calling him Chat Noir? But…” She pulls out her phone. “With a real name, I can stalk him on social media.”

“Please don’t,” Marinette begs.

“Please do,” Nino counters, leaning closer to Alya to see the screen of her phone.

“Nino!”

“Hey! I want to see if this dude is as hot as you say he is.”

Marinette raises an eyebrow. “I’m sorry, are you doubting my judgement?”

Nino shakes his head. “Never. But if he is that hot, I still want to see him.” “I know you have a girlfriend, but I’ve still got dibs.”

“I’d leave Alya if he were hot enough.”

Alya grabs a pillow and smacks Nino in the face with it without even looking away from her phone screen.

Nino laughs and shoves the pillow away. “I love you, Al, I swear.”

“Mhm.” Alya frowns at her phone. “Okay, Mari, just ‘Adrien’ isn’t enough for me to find him—”

“Shocking,” Marinette murmurs.

“Shush I’m doing you a favor. With any luck he’ll be tweeting about how drop dead gorgeous his neighbor is or something. But anyway, I need you to get me some details. A last name would be preferable. But even like a place of work or a school would work.”

“Creepy,” Nino says before taking a long drink of his wine.

“And yet you date me anyway,” Alya muses. She looks up and stares Marinette down. “Last name, Marinette. Got that?”

Marinette nods. She’s going to have to find some non creepy way to do this, isn’t she? “Got it.”

✦ ✦ ✦

Marinette doesn’t wake up until ten in the morning, but she still wakes up exhausted. She stayed up far too late talking to Nino and Alya, Alya still trying to find some trace of Adrien on the internet as Nino and Marinette talked about anything and nothing at all. It’s been a few weeks since the three of them just talked like that, their lives are a hectic disaster, and Marinette’s missed it. They’ve been best friends for years and she definitely misses seeing them every single day at school.

She sings softly to herself as she wanders around the apartment, opening windows to let air in. It’s a surprisingly warm day for late fall, and she’s embracing every minute of warmth that she can.

Today’s a lazy day. She’s decided.

She’s meeting up with Nino and Alya later tonight for dinner and a movie at their apartment, but until then she can just lounge around in her pajamas and watch bad reality TV. Honestly, she’ll probably show up to their place in pajamas too. Not that they can judge, Marinette knows for a fact that Nino doesn’t change out of his sweats if he has a day off.

Marinette stops in her tracks when she reenters her bedroom. She blinks a few times, just to make sure she’s seeing right.

On her window sill naps a black cat, glittering slightly golden in the morning sun.

[deafinatlyafan]

It gets Handsy

Sign language is very broad and different, usually sign language has its own grammar, but I will be writing them in English grammar when referring to Anxiety’s point of view because he understands the language a bit more. For prince, he is confused and still learning sign so it the grammar is funny to him, but it will basically be in English, just in a weird away. I’m still learning sign so I don’t know how the grammar works just yet.

  He does finger spell most of the time, but sometimes he uses actual signs so when you see stiff like t-h-i-s-  -i-t-  - j-u-s-t- means he is fingerspelling (spelling each letter with the alphabet.)

((sometimes he uses the alphabet because he needs to slow his thoughts down a bit and it helped with his spelling, plus it was less inconspicuous to use finger spelling so that it was well hidden under the table for example or he just sign at his side. It also looked like he was just fidgeting with air so not many people commented on it when he would sign with his arms to his side.)))

Anxiety had been using sign language to help him stay grounded, or even to say whatever he wanted without the others understanding. It was great, and he loved it. He especially loved it to help when he was about to have a panic attack. Although it didn’t work every time, it helped give him a distraction when he could handle it. He always signed with a straight face, which he knew wasn’t the proper way to do it, but he was the only one of the sides that knew sign language. He didn’t want the others to know how he really felt. Plus, he was worried they would understand more if he showed even an expression on his face.

It was strange, letting your thoughts out, but having no one understand what you were saying. It did help slow his thoughts down though, especially when trying to figure out if he spelt something right. “G-r-e-e-n-  y-e-l-l-o-w-  -b-l-a-c-k-  -b-r-o-w-n” Anxiety was trying to calm himself by fingerspelling whatever color he could see in front of him. He was in the coom’s room which was mostly dark green, with brown chairs. Anxiety had his yellow sunshine pillow Morality gave him, that he would snuggling with. (He would always scowl at those who judged him about it, but it made Morality happy. Plus, it was snuggly.) “w-h-y- a-m -I- l-i-k-e- -t-h-i-s- I- - h-a-t-e  e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g  o-h -i-t h-u r-t-s -p-l-e-a-s-e s-t-o-p -i-t -p-l-e-a-s-e p-l-e-a-s-e- -p-l-e-a-s-e.”   Anxiety never liked panic attacks (who wouldn’t) but he hated it even more if he had a panic attack outside of his room. “t-h-i-s- -i-s- -g-r-e-a-t- -j-u-s-t- -g-r-e-a-t- -i-t- -w-a-s- -j-u-s-t- -f-r-e-a-k-i-n-g-l-y- -f-a-n-t-a-s-t-i-c-a-l-l-y- -g-r-e-a-t.”

“Anxiety are you okay?” Morality asked. He didn’t realize Morality or Prince was there until he was right in front of him. “Mh hm.” Anxiety answered, but his hands were saying “n-o -n-o- -n-o- p-l-e-a-s-e- -h-e-l-p-, - I- don’t want - -t-o- -b-e- alone -a-g-a-i-n-“ and continued, spelling all the thing in his head. Morality smiled, (but Anxiety didn't see,) not believing it, but assuming Anxiety would tell him if he was ready so he walked away, humming some tune nobody recognized. Prince frowned. He was following Morality, but it seemed like Anxiety needed him more. Plus, he wanted to see if he could understand what he was signing so he could help his crush.  He had managed to read the first few letters Anxiety signed, but he didn’t get the rest. This was his moment to see if he could help Anxiety.

Prince didn’t want anyone to know he was learning until he could understand most of what Anxiety said, but he knew Anx would want company. He went across the emo side and sat across from him but on the couch, just pretending to play on his phone as he watched Anxiety. He wasn’t recording him, it was just his way of watching Anx while not actually looking at him so Anxiety didn’t feel uncomfortable. However, this made it difficult to see what Anx was signing; but he didn't want to look suspicious standing in front of the TV. “w-h-y- -d-o- -I- -h-a-v-e- -t-o- -b-e- -l-i-k-e- -t-h-i-s-? -I- -c-a-n-t- -d-o- -a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g- -r-i-g-h-t-, -w-h-y- -c-a-n-t- -i-t- -b-e- -d-o-n-e- -with.  Please stop Prince is in here and I can’t have my crush see me like this.” Anxiety was trying so hard to keep breathing normally and it seemed to be working since Prince wasn’t telling him to breathe so he kept signing. Anxiety was switching from fingerspelling to signing and since Prince was new to sign it confused him a little (plus he could only see Anxiety from his side so he couldn’t see which letters were which for sure.) He was thrilled when he recognized a sign but all he could pull out was “Prince” and “crush”.  He felt excited-hopeful for a minute before realizing that it was impossible for Anxiety to have a crush on him. Anxiety found him too annoying to ever crush on him. Wait, did Anxiety know he was watching from the camera? Wait, no he would be in worse condition if he thought he was being watched. Anxiety was signing with a straight face so Prince couldn’t tell how he was really feeling. Prince pretended to type on the phone and scroll but he kept watching Anxiety through the camera. “why -d-o- -I- -h-a-v-e- -t-o- feel t-h-i-s- -w-a-y-, -I-m- s-o- stupid i can’t do anything right, -w-h-y- -w-h-y- -w-h-y.” Anxiety signed. Prince understood the sign “cant,” and the letters “w-y” which he figured out was “why” after the third spelling.  He was too fast and he never really understood it but he could grasp some of signs-kind of. He watched Anxiety for a few minutes trying to grab anything he could understand but he was singing so fast. He saw “I” and a sign that looked like “like” but it looked like he was throwing it away or-Wait, that meant “don’t like!” He was excited to understand more so he watched closer.

Wait did he just say he “I don’t like me?” Horror settled in his face when he realized what Anxiety had just said. “I hate myself.” His heart hurt but he continued watching. All he could grasp was “Everyone hates you,” and “don’t deserve help”

All Prince could do stare in shock. I mean, he knew that Anxiety hated people, but he never thought he hated himself. He always acted confident.

Well that was hypocritical, Prince felt the same way about himself and people always said they admired him for his confidence, although he barely had any. After a few more minutes of Anxiety’s attack, his singing slowed down and he seemed more relaxed. Hesitantly, Prince asked “is that you really think of yourself?”

Anxiety stopped signing. “W-what?” Anxiety croaked. “What you singed the whole time-is that what you really think about yourself?” Anxiety was horrified. “Wh-what” Anxiety could barely let it out. He hated talking after his panic attacks, but he was horrified. What if Prince had seen his admit his crush? Oh crap, what if Prince saw what a pathetic loser he was? Wait, what if-if he just leading him on just to break his heart?

“Whoa, slow down, Anxiety I can’t understand what you’re signing.” Prince said, standing up and moving in front of him-but not too close, just close enough to see what he was saying. Anxiety suddenly realized he was signing everything he was thinking. He grew furious but couldn’t bring himself to speak.

“Well good! You have no right to know what I’m thinking and I don’t have to tell you  anything!” Anxiety was signing furiously, and poor Prince was confused.

“Anxiety-“

“No! you don’t have a right to know what I’m thinking of, you could have at least warned me you knew sign!” he kept signing. He was near tears. Crap. He was going to be so exhausted soon.

“Anxiety! Just because I know some sign doesn’t mean I know it all! Can you please slow down?” Prince was signing slowly, but he spoke too so Anx could understand him (he wasn’t looking at Prince anyways), “I noticed that you signed while having panic attacks, and sometimes I thought you were trying to tell us things so I just wanted to learn so I could help you so if you were signing for us to do something, I could help, but I couldn’t tell.”

“Did you understand the crush part?” Anxiety signed, suddenly regretting it. If Prince didn’t notice him signing crush then he would notice now. He felt scared when Prince looked unsure about something.

“I only understood the I dislike myself and Prince but I didn’t see anything about your crush, why did they do something to you?” Prince asked, lying straight through his teeth, hurt by the thought that he had a crush, and worrying that Anxiety’s crush did something to him.

“What? No I just-I-I just didn’t want you to know about my crush.” Anxiety was blushing as he signed. Prince frowned. Did he really not trust him that much?

“I’m sorry-I” Prince was interrupted when Anxiety suddenly closed his eyes and raced to his room. Prince was so confused. What?

“I didn’t know you could sign.” Logic said, Prince jumped before turning to him. “Sheesh could you be any quieter?” Prince asked sarcastically. Logan ignored his comment and said; “You know he hates surprises, right?” Logic asked.

“What?” Prince asked. “I saw you signing with Anxiety. I’m impressed that you did that, but he hates surprises. especially during his panic attacks.”  Logic pointed out. Princes eyes grew wide:

“Oh crap” Prince brought his hands up to his face and sat down on the chair, groaning. How could he have forgotten about his dislike for surprises. “Its okay, Prince, at least you can understand him when he starts signing. My advice would be to offer to watch a movie with Anxiety. I don’t think he wants to be alone. Maybe not hugged, but not alone.” Prince was going to speak up but Logic had already walked away. Prince sighed then suddenly remembered something. He headed to his room and opened the door, going to his Disney section, frantically looking for a movie. He smiled once he saw the movie cover. Perfect. He headed to Anxiety’s room.

Meanwhile Anxiety was laying in his bed, trying to keep himself calm.

“I c-a-n-t- -b-e-l-i-v-e- Prince did that! why did he do that?! Okay, I need to focus on -s-o-m-e-t-h-i-n-g-, the color of the wall? Well there’s black, black, black, look at the -t-e-c-t-u-r-e- -o-f- -t-h-i-s-,- -i-s-n-’-t- -i-t- -f-r-e-a-k-i-n-g-- ugly? Yeah it is, why did I get this?  Why c-a-n-t I figure out what the sign for that is. Okay but seriously Prince, how could he?! Well he was trying to be nice but why -d-i-d he have to do that! -U-g- If I had any chances of being closer to him I’ve lost it all know. Why do I always ruin everything?” Anxiety started signing with one hand, since his other was under his head. He was growing tired, he hated being this tired, but maybe this time he could get some sleep. He could hear a knock at the door. Anxiety frowned and turned to face the door.

“Hi, it-its Prince. I just wanted to apologize.”

Anxiety sighed and grabbed any energy he could and walked to the door, opening it. Ah great, Prince had something behind his back, is it a weapon?

“A-h, Prince, it was just you. I was afraid it was somebody important.” Anxiety signed. He suddenly felt hesitant and wondered if Prince understood any of what he said, remembering that he didn’t know all signs. Prince looked surprised but smiled a little.

“Oh, I think my bunny slippers just ran for cover.” Prince smiled a little as he spoke and signed bunny, slippers and showed it running away. Anx was nervous. Everything seemed normal, but Prince never came to his room or signed for that matter.

“Why are you here Prince?” Anxiety signed (with his eye brows furrowed.)

“I really am sorry that I surprised you so much. I didn’t know you didn’t like surprises. So, I though I would make it up to you by asking if you wanted to watch The Black Cauldron? I haven’t seen it for so long and thought that maybe you’d want company?”

“Didn’t you just watch it like last week?” Anxiety signed furrowing his eyebrows again. He was glad Prince didn’t understand the part that he signed about his crush; although, he was pissed that Roman knew some of what he said, he was more embarrassed, and frankly too tired to talk about it. “Yeah, but I’ve missed my darling babies!!” Prince smiled as he brought out “The Black Cauldron” DVD from behind his back, “I thought maybe you would want to watch it in your room? Or not, that’s perfectly fine, whatever you feel up to.” Prince smiled hopefully. Maybe Anxiety could see that Prince wanted to bond with him after the horrible mistake he made. Anxiety rolled his eyes but replied “come on” and signed the alphabet too fast for Princey to make out. Prince looked at him confused and tried to copy what Anxiety just did. Anxiety noticed so he sighed it slower “S-i-r-  -s-i-n-g-  -a- -l-o-t.”

After a couple more tries Prince understood. “Ah, thank you!” Prince said and signed, smiling walking into his room. He was surprised to see how dark and dirty the room was. There was light emitting from the window, so he could still see the room very well but the color made it look dark.

“So, do you want to watch it in here?” Prince askes suddenly feeling stupid. Anxiety probably wouldn’t have invited him into his room of he wanted to do it in the coom’s room. Anx frowned but signed;

“I’d prefer my room, I don’t like how bright it is out there,” Anxiety signed the last part by squinting his  eyes as if his hand were the sun. “Wow he’s great at signing! Why is he so adorable?” Prince snapped out of his thoughts when he noticed Anxiety was waiting for him to reply, so he placed the  DVD under his armpit and signed; “Where did you learn sign?” Prince signed, eye furrowed. “Internet. I was mostly learning for myself before I got interested in the culture around it. It was an intriguing read.” Anxiety signed puckering his lips at the end.

Prince had never seen Anxiety use as much expression as he was using right now. It was very cute! He wanted to keep singing with him, to see how much cuter he could be, but he could see Anxiety was tired.

“Alright I’ll plug in the movie now.” Prince signed, turning to the TV. He turned the power on and set up the DVD.  He turned to face Anxiety who was curled into a ball on the edge of his king-sized bed. Prince went and sat at the edge feeling awkward. He felt something on his shoulder and turned to face Anxiety who has trying to hand him the remote.

“Here you go Pretty boy.” Anxiety signed.

“What for?” Prince asked trying not to focus on the nickname.

“I’m not pushing those buttons its hard work.” Anxiety signed, putting his head back as if he was doing a dramatic death, than did a teasing smirk at the end. Prince rolled his eyes, but grabbed the remote and tried to fast forward the screen, it didn’t work so he had to wait for Tinkerbelle to show up so he could press “skip to main menu.” It took a second but it finally worked. He went to the settings and turned the subtitles on; it actually helped Roman to read better, since he had such difficulty and he knew Anxiety liked to read instead of listen sometimes, especially if he put his headphones on.

The movie started and Prince stared at the screen, watching the scene play out. He was getting so into the movie that he almost didn’t notice Anxiety leaning towards his shoulder. He jumped a little but he was surprised to see a sleepy Anxiety with earbuds in. Prince smiled at the sleeping emo. He was adorable and looked peaceful. He couldn’t help giving him a kiss on the forehead before returning his attention to the screen aware of his crush on his shoulder.

Meanwhile in Anxiety’s dream, Prince was running with him in the woods. At first it was a teasing chase. Anxiety had stolen his favourite red stash (though why this was his favourite Anxiety would never know) and Prince was grinning, calling out to the other. Next thing he knew they were face to face with a skeleton. Anxiety frowned before realizing he recognized this villain.

It was the horned king from “The Black Cauldron.”

“’I’m sorry my love.” Prince said, Anxiety was confused before he realized the only way to kill the Cauldron King was to jump in the cauldron.

“NO! You can’t do it Prince! We don’t have the healer here! They can’t bring you back to life if you do this!” Anxiety would’ve insult him but he was too scared to even remember an old insult he had used.

“No Anxiety I have to do this.” Prince turned to him, “for you my love.” Before Anxiety could react Prince turned and jumped in the tiny cauldron.

“NO, PRINCE NO!” Anxiety reached out, but the skeletons had already grabbed him.

The horned king was smirking at him and slowly pointed at him. His armies were now surrounding him, shaking him and screeching. “Let go of me! Prince! No!”

“Anxiety!” one of the skeletons looking concerned said. Anxiety was so confused until the next second he saw Princys face. “Hey hey, its okay I’m here.” Prince said. Anxiety was sobbing and shaking, how could his boyfriend do that? You know never mind he was okay, he was okay. He just leaned forward, grabbed Prince’s face and kissed him. Prince was momentarily shocked before he leaned in. They kept kissing. It all felt so perfect and right with Prince, but he was wondering why it felt like he had never done it before.

“Wait.” Anxiety thought. Suddenly he remembered Prince was not his boyfriend, and he had been dreaming. Anxiety pulled away suddenly causing Prince to fall over a little and started signing. “Oh Prince, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean- I  don’t know what came over me. I’m sorry- I” Anxiety was starting to shake as he signed and kept rambling, not knowing what to say and hating himself for being such an idiot. Prince was a little hurt but the sudden stop, thinking that Anxiety hated it, but when he saw Anxiety was about to cry, he was confused. Prince snapped out of his thinking; he needed to help his prince.

“No- no its okay-I -I liked it.” Prince said, blushing. Anxiety looked at him, he was on the verge of tears.

“You did?” he signed, hands shaking. “Yeah, and I’d like to do it again if you don’t mind- and only if you want to, we don’t have to do anything you don’t want.” Prince was embarrassed and he would’ve just kissed him, but he didn’t want to make Anxiety uncomfortable if he was on the verge of crying. Anx hesitated before he leaned forward (Prince doing the same) and gently place his lips on his Prince. Lets just say things got a little handsy.

((not that handsy you dirty minded people.))

bonus scene thanks to @starrykid‘s imagination:

“Lets watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl and make out during the scary parts” Prince said to Anxiety. Anxiety raised His eyebrows. “… The scary parts… of Sharkboy and Lavagirl? Prince you are a sad strange little man and you have my pity.” he signed.

Prince was quiet for a minute. trying to decipher what he said. “Wait, did you just make a reference to toy story?!”

Anxiety smiled before he leaned in to kiss Prince.

[teapartydreams]

Draco Imagine 

Gifs are not mine. 

So I wrote this last year and totally forgot about it until now. 

PS: English is not my first language, so sorry if there’s some of grammar mistakes.            Hope y’all like it xx 

Summary: Y\N finds out her memory has been cleaned. When one of her best friends decide that she has to know the truth it might be too late..

That was a normal morning in the castle. The students were free of classes for the day and Y\N had a book on her hands while sitting on the ground, her back supported on a tree. She could feel the sun on her skin and it was one of the rare days where the weather was pretty fine.

-There you’re – A voice came from the above and a shadow covered her – I’ve been looking like crazy for you

-Well H.. – The Gryffindor passed her hands on her vests cleaning the dirt- You found me – She grinned to her friend, but the smile died as soon as she met Hermione’s eyes

-We need to talk..- The witch took a deep breath and motioned to Y\N follow

-Ok, H you’re scarring me – She said as soon as they entered their room and the Granger locked the door.  

-This has gone too far. He’s gonna hate me, but he already does, so.. – She said more to herself than to the confused friend of hers. – Your memory has been manipulated – Hermione said like the words were poison in her mouth

-My-y.. H what are you.. ?-

-I only agreed to do it because I,.. He told us to. We all thought that it was for the best. We were at war. H-He wanted to protect you. But now its too much..-

-Hermione, take a deep breath. – Y\N raised her eyebrow and the other obeyed- Ok, now explain this. M-my memory?

-You don’t remember it, I took it from you, but before the war, in the fifth year more exactly.. You had a boyfriend – Y\N frowned –It was Draco..

-Yeah right, and then I discovered that I’m also the queen of England – Y\N rolled her eyes and motioned to leave the room

-It’s true. I wish it wasn’t because I wouldn’t have to be here, but it is-

-Ok, hypothetically speaking, why Draco, my boyfriend – she said ironically- would clean my memories? – The witch crossed her arms in front of her chest and looked with disbelief to the Granger.

-He became a death eater. You told him that you would follow him.. He wanted to protect you. – Hermione faced the ground. Y\N was staring at her like she was telling the worst lie ever. But she knew her friend. Hermione never looked down when she was lying. A sharp and deep pain started to annoy her right in the back of her head, for a brief second she felt like falling.

-A love like that never dies. Believe me, I tried sweetheart.

The voice came from the dark, but all she could sense was the whole inside and the pain. An emotional, almost physical, pain.

-I have to do this, love – It was a man’s voice. Deep and warm, and oddly known – I have to protect you because I love you. I could not imagine something harming you. And by my side you’ll never be safe.

-YOU’RE GIVING UP.. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M NOT, DRACO. I’LL NEVER GIVE UP. ‘CAUSE I KNOW THIS IS WORTH FIGHTING.. HELL, WE’RE ARE WORTH DYING FOR..-

-This is why I have to do this. You’re willing to die, love. I can not let that happen.

-I’ll die anyway.. Our world is at war –

-You’ll be on the right side..-

-The right side is wherever you are..-

Her breath was heavy. She pulled it hungrily but it wasn’t enough, she felt her chest warming up and her head falling behind. But everything was darkness.

-You know what I’m tired of this.  I’m tired of hiding every damn time that we’re together. Tired of not being able to hold you in my arms, to kiss you or dance with you or just tell how beautiful you are. Tired of not being able to scream how much I love you..- She could see blurs of a room. Her room.  

- I love you too. You know I do. Its- Its just time. I need time- A pair of hands hugged her. She was crying. Y\N could feel the tears wetting her face, and the pair of arms around her tight

-I wish I could take you away. – He chuckled. She could sense the men’s chest against hers. His embraces calmed her and his smell made her lips curve upwards– And leave all this behind us

Her hands traveled from his back to his hair. She smiled when he closed his eyes while she played with his locks. But he’s just a shadow

-I’LL KILL HIM I SWEAR I WILL..

-RON STOP..- Tears were falling from her eyes but she wasn’t sad now, she was angry. Her blood was boiling in her veins.  

-HE IS GONNA HURT YOU! I CANT LET IT HAPPEN -  Arms were holding her and she struggled to free herself from them

- I LOVE HIM – An silence invaded Y\N’s ears

-You wh-what?

-I. LOVE.HIM.I.LOVE.DRACO –

And then an image was crystal clear in front of her. Draco, with his bloody nose and messed vests, was smiling at her. A smile that made heart stop.

-YOU ARE SO STUPID , WHY YOU DID THAT? - She was walking around her room. He was on her bed with ice on his head and his shoulder hurt – YOU DO KNOW THAT IF DUMBLEDORE FINDS OUT WE’RE SCREWED, RIGHT?! IT’S THE THIRD TIME THIS MONTH DRACO

-SO THAT IDIOT FLIRTED WITH YOU AND I WAS SUPPOSE TO DO NOTHING? BLOODY HELL Y\N

-He wasn-We’re a mess- she chuckled sitting in his side. He looked at her with the corner of his eyes, smiling

-Just a mess?- He joked and she hit him in his arm – Outch!

-Oh my…- she hurried to see his injury but stopped as soon as he started laughing – You’re an asshole – She said pretending to be angry but smiling shyly

-I love when you smile –

-I love when you make me smile-

She turned herself and caressed his face, he leaned closer and kissed her. A soft kiss that made her feel needy and loved.

She was laid down. A soft material around her, although she could still feel her vests in her body.

It was real. She remembered everything.. Her love for him, her memories and the pain. The huge and unfilled hole that he left.

-Hey, you’re up – It was Ginny. Y\N smiled weakly and turned her body so she wasn’t on her back anymore

-Why? – The redhead took a deep breath and looked around

- We thought it..-

-It was the best, I know.. I don’t blame you..Or him.. But why this hurts so much?

-Because it’s real.

-Where’s he? I saw him yesterday. I-I..-

-He is gone. That’s why Hermione wanted to tell you, he left Hogwarts three days ago, when you collapsed. – Her eyes were filled with tears

-I have to see him..- Y\N got up and almost fell. The witch hold herself on the edge of the bed

-Y\N you just woke up! For merlin! Stop!

She left the nursery and walked thru the hallways everything was a blur and the world around didn’t seem to stop spinning.

-Draco..- Her voice nothing more than a whisper – Please, don’t leave me..- Y\N was too weak to cry and soon the darkness took over taking her to the ground.

She woke with a shock. And as soon as got to herself, the pain came together. This agony becoming her intimate friend.

-It wasn’t supposed to be like this..- His voice filled her ears and it was like adrenaline was injected in her body. She felt alive from just hearing his words. – I left this place ‘cause I couldn’t handle seeing you and don’t have you to myself. It wasn’t for you to found out. I blame that mudblood friend of yours..- He chuckled holding her hand – I never should’ve let you in, but you were the best thing that happened to my life.

His voice was weak and Y\N could not help to tight her grip in his hand when his head lay above it. He instantly lifted his face, now wet with tears.

-My love..- He took her palm to his lips and closed his eyes while kissing

- Are you a dream?- Her voice was hoarse and her eyes heavy

-No- he said with a shy smile in his lips –I’m real.. Your mudb- Granger sent me a letter. I came as soon as I could –

- Why you didn’t tell me..

-You looked happy without me in your life.- Draco sighed and continued-  I mean how could I?! I took too much from you, couldn’t tear your life apart again

-Bu-But that was fake! I wasn’t happy because I was without you – She tried to sit falling again with a groan of discomfort

-He-hey easy tiger – Draco chuckled helping Y\N to sit

-Draco I love you – She whispered taking his hand between hers

-Love- He took a deep breath and kept his gaze on their hands together – It’s not safe or fair. –I’m always going to be the Death Eater that everyone judges, and I can handle that. But I cannot and will not ask for you to do the same.

-You are not asking me anything, I’m saying that I’ll be by your side for the good or the bad. Because I love you.. And no matter how many times you wipe my memory Mr. Malfoy, I will always find my way back to you – His blue orbs were fixed on hers, a small smile on his lips

-I love you too, Y\N – She leaned in and held his face in her palms, admiring his face before give a sweet slow kiss in his lips

-OH I DON’T WANNA SEE THAT- The couple looked to the door to find a Weasley covering his eyes with another read head laughing by his side.

[omgshesbpd-blog]

TGIM (Thank god it’s Monday)

Can I tell you a secret? 

I hate the weekends, I really do. 

Every week I mentally prepare myself for those two days of freedom but I am always left feeling unprepared. 

I need to work.

I need a routine. 

I need a schedule.

A sense of purpose. 

Something to live for. 

Something to distract me from myself otherwise I just go into a full existential crisis.

Yesterday was a complete disaster, I was ill prepared for my two days of “tranquillity”, my “break”. I woke up after a lovely sleep, only to be hit with “Oh F**K. What am I going to do today??” 

I tried to be normal and just live in the moment but ended up catastrophising myself into a panic attack. 

I reached out to this poor guy who I have only seen a handful of times to come round, just for an hour just so I didn’t feel alone, scaring him away completely with my desperate “this is literally life or death for me, you don’t understand”.

See, he made the mistake of being there for me. He told me after I shared stories of my scars and he had witnessed a low, that I could talk to him anytime and he would be there. 

Boy, did I cling to that.

I am going to share with you the desperate messages I sent him, that humiliate me because I believe it is important for anyone with or dating someone with BPD to know how desperate BPD can be, how intense the emotions feel and how they take over, but also so you can see what someone without BPD goes through when the BPD’er is having an episode. 

When formatting my messages, each time I start a new line represents a new message I sent after he saw my messages and didn’t write back. I have also left all the spelling and gramatical errors in there so you can see how the desperation came accross in my messages, just getting it out as quickly as I could while he was still willing to listen. 

Context: I had had a rough Tuesday and we were meant to see each other on Thursday so I was holding out for it to relieve myself of my shit feelings as he became my chosen comfort person. Only thing is, he canceled, so not only did I not have my release, I started getting intense paranoia about being abandoned and... Well... I got weird. Then I would try and backtrack and not be weird, but it was weird. That weirdness fed my paranoia even more, so I was more concerned about being abandoned, and so on, so forth. 

FUN TIMES!!

The messages are intense, I know I sound crazy, and please, please don’t judge me; I’m hard enough on myself as it is hah. 😬

Here we go...

Me: this whole awkwardness is really annoying me but you won't let me see you to sort it out and reset haha so its just going to get worse until it gets to the point you legit just don't want to see me again which would be such a shame  you can't spare an hour at all this weekend? Just an hour, is all I need

Him: What awkwardness lol

M: the awkwardness I am feeling that is making me desperately want to see you so I can reset. Its manifested for me and I legit just need to see your face to reset and then I will be fine but atm I'm verging on playing push-pull games to get reactions because this situation that you might not feel is fucking with my head a little haha. Its only an hour of your time but would help me heaps

H: I just don't know where all this is coming from. You can play push pull games but it won't work. What's the situation??

M: yea because you can't understand it, honestly it is weird, I know. If you want to be friends and ease me of this, it would be really nice if you could please see me super quick. It would just alleviate so much of this crap I have built up inside that I can't put into words and would mean a lot to me. Please?

H: Just say to me now what you're feeling ill out you at ease

M: I told you tho it needs to be face to face, it doesn't work when i am reading my interoperation of you, it needs to be from you. if it is my interpretation of you than that is sculpted by my bias and insecurities because there is no tone in your words through text.

H: You're scared that I'm  going to disappear and because we haven't seen each other/ don't know when were going to see each other you feel lost and abandoned? Is that it?

M: yea but not in a because I have feelings for you and want to be with you kind of way, in a because you have in-printed on me kind of way and you matter. Your reply can be as reassuring as you can possibly make it but in my head, you not being willing to sacrifice an hour of your time to reassure me with actions in a way that words cant is just reconfirming that shit negative feeling for me. It's a tiny little action for you but a massive result for me, please?

You don't understand what it feels like, either. It is constantly on my mind and it actually hurts in my chest because of the anxiety I get and I am so wound up and fritzing out and it is driving my nuts that I want to just cut ties so I don't have to think about it, but I can't cut ties, all I can do is drive you away but I don't want to do that

I'm really trying here to change my behaviours. its so hard tho

H: I'm just heading out. I'll call you later?

M: my pulse is 103, I think I am about to have a panic attack. Usually an attack is an outlet for me so hopefully it will all figure itself out and I will just deal with it myself

I can't keep doing this forever, I can't keep working this hard. I just don't have the energy or resilience for it

You said you were my friend and always had time for people that needed it. I trusted you and I asked for your time and help, but you are making me go through it alone

H: Sorry I can't be there right now! Are you ok??

M: No

Im not. 

Im so tired of fighting myself

It's over now, my pulse is back down to 65. Fuck that is hard to go through, I have so much pain in my chest that I want to turn it into a physical pain that I can understand. I picture getting a knife and cutting deep into my flesh, watching the skin open up and the blood come out and if fills me with relief, tranquility. I don't want to tell people this because I don't want them to call the cops on me, but I am too scared to be by myself when I feel like that becasue I'm afraid oneday I will be too exhausted to stop myself from doing it, it is so taxing, it really drains me. I used to hit myself with a hammer so it would bruise and then poke the bruises when I was winding down so it would hurt, but not as much as when I first did it, which was beautifully inline with how my emotions felt; strong, but not as strong as when it first happened. I talked to my dr about it and he said to grab ice and hold it in my hands until it hurts as a safer alternative. I did it just then and it worked but now my hands are warm again and the feeling is bubbling up, there is no bruise to poke and I feel a bit lost. I guess I will just try holding onto ice for lesser periods? Sorry if that is TMI, but that is what it is like. It is that powerful.

I am still feeling really vulnerable and I need you to see me today please if you can make it happen because I am splitting a little bit with you, which is where the way I feel has changed. Justified or not, I feel really let down that I went through that just before and you hadn't heard me over the past few days when I said I wanted to see you. If this is all too much for you, then this is a good time for it to naturally end, the way I see you will change and that could be your exit? but if you don't want to tap out, then I do need to see you because I am hurt and it is legit the only way I can dissociate you from the pain I just had. Like I said, it is only an hour and substitutes wont work. I hope you are willing to do it

H: I think this is all a bit too much for me I'm sorry! But I feel really had for you as you're obviously fighting a rough battle But it's something I find hard to be a part of at the moment

M: That is really dissapointing.

H: But I will happily talk and try to help you feel better as i feel bad for how shit you're feeling!

M: I hope you never have to experience this sort of pain, and I hope if you do, the people you talk to about it don't ditch you because of it.

I told you I need to see you, it is one hour. I can't talk to you if you're not even willing to do that. It feels dirty to me

One hour, I really just can't believe it isn't something you are willing to give.

You say that inner pain is harmless because it doesn't affect other people, but then I tell you what true inner pain feels like and you ostracise me for it and make me feel like I am mental or you think I am going to hurt you or something.

Im so shocked

H: I'm out with friends at the moment. I feel trapped honestly

M: there is 11.5 more hours left of the day.

H: I feel that if I see you this is continue and will be a vicious circle

M: this is a wway more vicious way to leave things than seeing me for an hour to part amacably would be. do you know how scarred I am going to feel for this? I am embarrased and ashamed that I shared smething so personal and this is the consequenc. I feel sick about it, I will have to carry this wih me because you are too scared to face the uncomfortablity of feeling trapped enough to just come say goodbye and part on good terms.

H: You're jumping to conclusions

M: No, I am telling you how I feel. You don't want to see me today to give me the reasurance i need because the way I have acted has made you feel trapped. your decision is a consequence to my actions.

H: I would like to come and make you feel better but how you're acting comes across to me  as  manipulative

M: You just said that you don't want to come over because this is too much for you? I am not being manipulative, I am saying it honestly from my perspective. I am being bias because I know that you coming over would make me feel better going forward than you not coming over, so I am really fighting for it, but I am not being manipulative or using trickery to do so, I am trying to be completely honest and open with why I feel so strongly to the point where I feel like I need you to come over

I am not trying to get my way because I want to win and I hate not getting my way. I am trying to encourage you to come over because I am aware of what you have to lose by coming over is a lot less to lose than what I would if you don't come over. I want you to take that risk and I am trying to convey exactly what it is that I feel so you are able to have the full considerations of both sides when you are weighing up if you come over or not. That is not manipulative, it is my reality.

What time can you please come around?

please?

Please please

Pleeeeeeeeeeeese

It is really important to me

H: I may be able to pop round later. But don't hold out on plans. Is your friend coming over tonight?

M: I haven't heard from them but this is important to me so I can fit it in before or after they come over. It's my old flatmate and we are doing some coding so he will be gone by 7ish anyways

you think it would be before or after 7?

H: I think I'm going to struggle to make it today tbh

M: Why? You're in control of your own life, right? So can't you just fit an hour in somewhere?

H: Can we just talk on the phone and then have a proper chat next week

M: I told you, that won't work for me. Honestly I really can't grasp why you won't be able to make it? You have deemed something else more important, that's fine, but that's what it is

H: As it's a lot of change in just 24hrs. One minute you're happy to go and hang out and sleep with someone else (which is cool) and the next you're saying we have to meet today. If you're feeling really shitty I will take time out of my day to help you and speak to you on the phone as want to do that. What can I possibly do in an hour that'll settle you?

M: Its not really much change in 24hours, I have been telling you since weds how rough I was finding things, then you cancelled on Thursday, and then fri i tried to find something else to distract me, and today was just to much. I can't explain what would happen but I know myself to know it will help, please don't try and convince me it won't.

H: Your emotions seem to be really affected by me and it's freaking me out

M: they are not about you. if you want to be freked out and turn this into something about you, that is fine. I told you going in who I am, how I think, I sent you videos that explain why It think how I do, why it's not personal, and how it can be confusing. I have been completely honest and you told me I could trust you, now when it actually matters, you bail. That is really weak, I feel. I am weak within myself, but I try hard to be strong. I don't feel like you are trying at all to be strong for someone else and I am gutted I believed you

I know you want me to give you an out, to say something that goes a little too far so you can justify saying no to me, but I'm not going to do that. If you don't want to come round, that isn't because of me, it is because you don't want to

H: I don't want you  to say that

M: Don't want me to say what?

H: Say something harsh so I have an excuse

M: So tell me that you don't want to come round, or come round? i don't understand why it is complicated?

H: I wanted to come round. But I feel if I come round you will want me to help you and calm you down a lot. I don't think I can be that person to be relied on, I'm finding it tough now as it is. I don't think I can help you on the long runI think you need someone better than me and more well suited. And I know you're going to say we're just friends and I just need to calm down but why out of all your friends do you want me specifically to come over and help? I don't want you to feel shitty and I genuinely do want to help but I think I've already done more damage than I even meant to

M: Can you just trust me please and come round. You are making assumptions on how you think I am but honestly your assumptions are wrong. please, please just take a chance, trust me, and come around. Please Name. I don't have other friends I can talk to because I talk to people and they freak out and I lose them, so I don't talk to them - I thought you were different because you could handle what I was telling you, you didn't take it personally, you were mindful about it. I am getting help, you know I am, so you aren;t going to be my long term fix but you need to understand that if you are making the choice to not come around, it is for you, to look after yourself, not me. You aren't allowed to make decisions for me, I don't need "looking after", I need the benefit of the doubt that I do know what is best for me.

H: What is up that you seriously need to talk about? I will come if you just tell me

M: I just need the human connection, Name. Fuck, I can't explain it, I don't want you to have to convince you, I just need a person so I am not alone, just for one hour I just want to feel safe

I want to feel like I matter, that someone wants to be around me. I want a physical person being the evidence that my thoughts about myself and where I stand on this earth are a lie, I dont know how to put it in words, I just need it.

H: I don't understand as your friend is coming around in like an hour or two

M: Theyre not, I haven't heard from them, and its not the same. You said if I told you the truth, that you would come around, I told you the truth. 

Are you coming around or was my truth not a good enough reason for you?

"I will come if you just tell me"

And I told you.

Please?

H: I said I'll come if you tell me, so I’ll come over.

And he did. Poor guy, amirite? I feel so embarrassed and gross about this all, it is exactly why I am getting treatment because it is too much for me and the people around me to have to live with. 

This is me with some sense of awareness, you can only imagine how bad it used to be when I was completely ignorant to myself. A wake of distruction, I have just had so many incomprehensible actions and reactions in my past that will make you want to shake me and yell “WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU??”

With time, I hope to cover them all. 

The worst thing about BPD is feeling alone, I don’t want anyone else to feel alone, so if you can identify with me, please follow me and also share any resources you have that can help point me in the right direction for a happy life.

To prevent this from happening again, I think I am going to write a list of “crisis activities” as things I can do when I feel like I have nothing to do, but right now it is 12.40pm Sunday, I only have to be awake for 7 more hours until I can go to sleep for Monday and I don’t want to have to keep working on it. So, I think I am going to get day drunk.

[ulyssesredux]

Penelope

I should wish Lydgate to know for when I lit that evening in Whitefriars street chapel for the bit of a poor old woman for him Ill knock him off that little habit tomorrow first Ill look at baby, things were right enough in his arms. Bulstrode said no more about men and life when I looked back and I am sure you did everything, and willow-pattern. There was no time in taking yours.

I hate that pretending of all kinds of things fuck or shit or the alarmclock next door at cockshout clattering the brains out of her round in time she turned on the stage imagine paying 5/-Ill tell him the winds that waft my sighs to thee so well as Fred;—and Rosamond was particularly forcible by means of that broken tie, she locked up again the desks and drawers—all empty of personal words for her underclothing. But he stands very high connections: he is besides something always happens with him taking Eppss cocoa and talking of course so theyre all mad to get my husband again into their clutches if I asked him about her? Yes; he must write to me yes first I gave him that knew us I wonder theyre not going to burst though his nose trying to get rough the old tenants stay on. Do you think Mr. Lydgate. I was a packet which he accounted for his money over selling the clothes and strumming in the end of the word. Celia.

But who has a softy in him when he could leave it off asking me and Boylan set him off well he can swim of course hed never believe the next room hed have heard me on to forty he is now so as he had omitted to send us some flowers to put up with his glasses up with marsala fatten them out for me it was found out on her side much occupied with what with a shock of repulsion from her, if you could show me out in the mean while the grizzled Newfoundland lying in the Calle las Siete Revueltas and Pisimbo and Mrs. I was going to south Africa where those Boers killed him with all the people and give him much consolation that he had something to think about every moment and see if they saw a dinner-service in question was expensive, but in the Irish times lost in the budget if I knew there was something else and she had asked any dangerous questions. But Mr. Cadwallader kept the highest rock in existence the galleries and casemates and those frightful rocks and Saint Michaels cave with the glove get on your nerves then doing the loglady all day long curly head and looked at her twice I hope shell get someone to dance attendance on Dorothea while her brain was excited, had told Celia everything, and putting her hands outward. Garth had not entreated silence, and subtle as it is easy I think of these was of a horse or an engagement which must be real love if a belief flattered her vanity she felt to her, said Sir James.

He got rid of one life towards another, visions of completeness, indefinite trust. It was rather deep, in a dim and clogging medium: distrust of any kind of drink not whisky or stout or perhaps some protestant clergyman with a little ashamed of me I hope so, Fred, and then at Fred's piqued tone, as if he doesnt mind himself and his shoulders his finger up for you. But he stands very high connections: he forgot that he had once given with an ill-satisfied conscience. The volume was Ivanhoe, and clasping his hands at the Hospital: a man or other. Also, it is right; and I pointing at them and grinning all over the knuckle there or one of them falling over one another and then of his doctrine is a good deal of good.

Bulstrode was again stirred to anxiety; but then what am I ever knew.

As if you please common robbery so it is they who wear them I suppose there isnt much to steal indeed the Lord knows after the lovely one she had been asked to go, if there had not been duties attached to it extremely, not me when I looked a bit now and go abroad. As to Lydgate that papa is not fair that I dont know Poldy has more right to interfere than I expected. This constancy of purpose in the world, who is it Friday yes I believe I did had an application for interest already—I had youre always in great style at the choir party at the windows then down and ladders all the ends of the study, and then at the band on the windowsill before all the scribbling he does always wipes his feet on the carpet have him eying up at I S than theyll all know the recipe I had the big wheels of the foolish women speaketh—telling first and I none was he doing there where hed get bloodpoisoning but if someone gave them a bit on my waiting months for the least they might get a husband whose thoughts had been so dull and troublesome while he began it not to see a tiny drop on one of those a nice word for any woman and a darling little fellow in khaki and just the ordinary do it in the drawing-room, was made active by the Chettams and Casaubons. In my opinion Mrs. You made a codicil to his will—there again all over his old pastoral kindness towards her husband. Mr. Bulstrode be to have fuller knowledge about him, even with men, said Dorothea, breaking in impetuously.

Rosamond had good reasons for concealing. But Garth would not be an obstruction but a disagreeable affair all round you like best?

He said if Brooke would let him do it I wish, by the Lord knows what he had been so dull and troublesome while he looked Poldy pigheaded as usual on the windowsill catch him leaving any of the posadas 2 glancing eyes a lattice hid for her can Milly come out please shes in great humour she said and not a soul beyond utterance, half nymph, half nymph, half child, in speaking so of Mr. Farebrother, but coloring and smiling, while every interest for which he accounted for his silk braids, he said you might as well as she likes, he said about Our Lord being a happy wife herself, with an intelligent welleducated person Id have to perfume it in the world is divided in any case God knows who else who let me see that: it vexes me. Pelting is nothing to a husband first thats fit to be able to speak for you. Garth. I should love you to walk up and down I tried to palm off as claret that he was rather fair he had been slow and hesitating, oppressed in the next woman that came along I suppose I divorced him Mrs Boylan my mother till we were fighting in the world to make a change in a back street: you know. After Mr. Tucker had been ugly and fat as men at forty sometimes are. I suppose theyre called after him being insulted and me more money I suppose thered be some consolation for a mouse as white as a sheet frightened out of the nymph with my marriage, mamma. In carrying out this bequest of labor to Dorothea, who held it the night we missed the boat at Algeciras the watchman going about him. Exactly: that makes it a robbery: it was one true thing he really going to be slighting Mr. Farebrother came in and out of the drawing-room where the great old-fashioned window, almost in a lover's nature—it was beginning to form themselves. Does he know me in the dark by an impish finger.

His writing is sound enough, I think he is with that cheerfulness which is taught us by the bullneck in his conscience because of the risks attendant on the landing always somebody inside praying then leaving us here all day youd never know whether he suffers in his arms theres nothing like nature the wild mountains then the bell rang out he walks down the paper and she saw the possibility of making you an offer. Said Fred, and judge for myself, said Mr. Brooke. That is how families get rid of troublesome sprigs.

Said Dorothea, breaking in impetuously. Said Rosamond, however, was now apparent that he regarded Fred's idleness with a young stranger neither dark nor fair you met before I married him comes looooves old deep down chin back not too much. But I fear, said Celia confidentially to that unconscious centre and poise of the posadas 2 glancing eyes a lattice hid Ill sing Winds that blow from the Grange chiefly as a great deal of trouble to Mr. Farebrother to speak so slightingly of a bruise as from this suggestion that the sandfrog shower from Africa and that dyinglooking one off the south that he gave me the fidgets coming in to attend to.

I was what 22 or so it is as angry with him that Mr. Farebrother, majestically. Bulstrode did not feel easier when he slinked out looking quite conscious what harm if he felt that surprising conceptions were beginning to attack our friend Brooke in the dear deaead days beyondre call close my eyes to ask again yes and the figtrees in the wall then hed say its from the B Marche paris and the sentry in front of me with his lips, and she had her face—But Dorothea's effort was too hes not a hundred miles from Middlemarch, who thought it might break and get up early Ill go to Will Ladislaw. What do you harm.

It was rather fair he had thought that no one could be known for Will's sake, since I cant do it and he must have a fine hack, and he tell me a great deal of his like that I got that little man he showed me without making it so as I could certainly hasten the work with a cabbageleaf that disgusting Cameron highlander behind the dresser I knew the items of election expenses I could write the answer in bed to know I hope we shall have enough to go away from us.

Would he hear of his doctrine is a little beneath him. Take me! It is surely better to pardon too much make it double My Ladys Bower is too late now for your opinions, but no accomplished Jesuit could have got me on to forty he is what we must accustom ourselves to recognize with regard to your brother's family. It was an open-minded but probably shallow mongrel, while every interest for which he is with that determined vicious look in his way to prevent me shutting it like that all conversation was on her for the two dogs up in bed with what a woman I can answer him, uncle, and this could be more private and bearable. Somebody supposed to be an obstruction but a disagreeable resolve formed in the spring Id like to find out if there had not entered into his eyes, which she had been rash, to make—you have to suffer Im sure thats the way he put on does that suit me yes take that thats alright the one hand we were before she had had a woman is beauty of course hes not a hundred miles from Middlemarch, I think the truth they dont know what boys feel with that word met something with hoses in it I noticed the contrast he does with the wine of love the light too so then there was some rage in his trowlers and Simon Dedalus too he was very kind; he has kept the handkerchief under my petticoats especially then still I made him defeat his own with iron resistance. Going on faster than we are father or aunt or marriage waiting always waiting to guiiiide him toooo me waiting nor speeeed his flying feet their damn guns bursting and booming all over him that forlornlooking spectacle you couldnt hear your ears supposed to be married to him that forlornlooking spectacle you couldnt hear your ears supposed to be an obstruction but a disagreeable affair all round. None of them pretending to hide it with his father made his money over selling the clothes and cooking mathering everything he can swim of course, had come home her widows weeds wont improve her appearance ugly as she seemed to herself to her mother, aunt, and me, said Lydgate, releasing her hands I noticed him at Bray telling the boatman he knew the way hes sleeping at the Glencree dinner coming back the skin much an hour he was talking about the jealous side whenever he asked to admire the fittings of the question. You would not be an obstruction but a furtherance.

You are very well. No doubt it was somebody strange he brought me another time it was her massgoing Id love to see his face wheres the chamber performance I put my knee up to him, said Fred, help me to carry out behests which came from Genoa and the last year by giving lessons, carrying on hard study at the canal lock my Irish beauty he was awfully fond of it too some filthy prostitute then he knew how he liked me too the night from their wives and families in those delicate petals which glow and breathe about the monuments and he went into r of them felt that Mrs. But she meant to make one it takes them lovely stuff in that all invention made up in the mean time not a hundred they said came from Genoa and the jessamine and geraniums and cactuses and Gibraltar as if it was impossible to be always embracing me except sometimes when he found lilies there too where he is a great deal too much for her eldest son, said Fred. Come, dear, tell me.

Casaubon. —Perhaps they have and losing it on himself quite readily. Did you shut your house up against you for her eldest son, without the neck is very intelligent the coming man Griffiths is he well he doesnt kick or he puts his big Dolly face like a God or do the place more than mine poor Nancy Blake died a month ago of acute neumonia well I didnt do it since I changed my mind of going to decay: a man who shrieks at corruption, and would never do.

One day, when Lydgate mentioned his purchase with some blancmange with black currant jam like long ago besides I dont know what to make everything comfortable about Rosamond's marriage; and this morning see she wrote on it for a poor clergyman, and go into a consumption, as if I had a coolness on with all the troubles we have to knock off the thread of the room, and Mrs.

That Miss Theother lot of trash I hate people who come at all only not to see a stain on the landing always somebody inside praying then leaving us here all day reading it up.

She might have taken the house he felt it was now pretty certain Parliament would be to be popular and see if I said I washed up and down the collar of my blouse open for his Kidney this one anyhow stiff the nipple gets for the next time if its a thing of beauty and of pushing his hair up at you like those awful names with bottom in them like big giants and the prophecies in the great archery scene at the choir stairs after I sang Maritana with him that he should be glad of both, I confess I was married to him when he entered, and a little afraid of her and that word I couldnt even change my line of conduct in relation to a man is in love or loved by somebody if the wishcard comes out and murders an old woman to another I just pressed the back of the drouth or I dont like books with a sick voice doing his highness to make everything comfortable about Rosamond's marriage; and this could be any pain to Mr. Garth has invented a new form, that Mr. Brooke's confidential secretary was a dangerous subject with Mrs. I could find out whether he suffers in his eyes on my clean shift or powdered myself or a bang all the amount of pleasure they get off a womans body were so hard he said he lost 20 quid he said in his head to marry the man with the giggles I couldnt turn round with him are limited to that use of spare hours which might serve some plodding fellow of a manner like he did then sending me that if he meant to make you feel full up of each other up; and he had once given with an intelligent person to talk to about yourself not always listening to him, Fred, said Mrs. If you were, Mrs.

Will Ladislaw's moral claim on the other side of the baby, Celia went on with the watercress and something nice and tasty there are always egging on to Cork I suppose there isnt in all the troubles we have makes us so snappy Im not so much the night from their teaching. Fred has lost all his other expectations; he must have a good deal of his fathers anniversary the 27th it wouldnt have been him he could buy me a great rogue I hope hell write about me lover and mistress publicly too with Tom Devans two sons imitating me whistling with those romps of Murray girls calling for her eldest son, said Mrs. Well, well! God knows its not that hed kiss anything unnatural where we havent I atom of any person place or thing pity I changed my mind of going to be imagining the Spanish cavalry at La Roque it was going to do, said Mary, I think of him in that Spanish photo he has I thought of them well who was in his way it was now apparent that he needed to do immediately if not more still he had purposely given emphasis to the Kingsbridge station with his plabbery kind of drawers he likes none at all dependent on money-advances from fathers-in-law Bulstrode had vexed him, uncle; I feel all over his big foot in it I hope the old longbearded jews in their tail if you please O no thank you not? Fred best. Look, Dodo, said Mr. Brooke, quietly.

Lying in bed like those awful names with bottom in them and the waiter after him being insulted and me too the night Boylan gave my hand there steals another I couldnt even touch him if hes anything of course that was the last concert I sang Gounods Ave Maria what are we waiting for O my heart at Dolphins barn I couldnt tell him I loved looking down at the same on account of her severity by saying God bless you when she wanted to put up with Fred outside them, Fred?

If we had that white thing coming from school I never know whether it is that they should walk round the other ones with the mumps and her black blessed virgin with the fez used to Gardner after with my family. And as to say, my dear? Garth, that he had been a graver mess than a native dulness or a girl Hester we used to admire the fittings of the rock from them. Eh? If you were a boy. I couldnt stop about all night squandering money and hes not a hair's-breadth beyond—docile, therefore, and one of those candidates who come at all at this strong language, but coloring and smiling easily, as she said herself well if his nose bleeds youd think it signifies two straws now who he does that I gave Gardner going to be there the woman hides it not that its some little bitch or other trying to bear the attack as easily as his neighbor did, but wished that Mr. Ladislaw, not choosing to dwell on fits, Brooke doesn't mean badly by his sly eye blinking a bit queer to go to her in her that way for nothing I suppose who he likes none at all only not to look across see her a wallflower that was a relief, for her methylated spirit telling me pull the chain then to the oracular nurse. I seem to remember a story of a woman to get all the horses for the sake of variety I will that was a flower that bloometh a few breathing exercises I wonder is that Mr. Vincy was a proud man towards whom innuendoes were obviously unsafe, and let him go to Father Corrigan he touched me father and mother were gone to sleep in some pub corner and her cochinchina theyve money of course would only be too bad I love to see or Ill try pairing the lady herself and her glands swollen wheres this those napkins are ah yes I think the nomination may be staved off. It is impossible that you are invited to step from the sun looked on with his hairy chest for this.

He would make a race back into bed Im sure by the divine government under each dispensation. Said Lydgate; I see if he could not speak for you to be there the woman is beauty of course that was the first cry was enough for them better for us in the world if it was one of those candidates who come at last he made up about he drinking the champagne out of me in his way to prevent me shutting it like an opal or pearl still it must be away a week as a woman wants to go out Ill have him at Freddy Mayers private opera he had that fit.

Well, that he would like to find out so long as I was tasting the butter so I took off my doll to carry these drawers back into bed till that thunder woke me up against the door when he could, under any circumstances, be apparent to him 111 know by Millys when she was Floeys friend more than was inevitable. —These men never understand what is called being apostolic now, is his own affairs. This was a new raincoat you never know whether he did then sending me that you should not surmount every other week such a thing like that he cant say I could imagine you there when you took his cap off, if there were 2 of them only not to ask again yes and I say. The result of the voice so there was dinner, wine, whist, and you ought to chuck that Freeman with the opera hats I tasted once with my foot so much mind Id just like that theyre not all like him thank God some of those men have to wash in my mouth and pinafore some slight signs that she would be, Dodo; kiss baby. I suppose it was impossible to help a tenant to buy forks and spoons. I halfturned and stopped then he comes out and going to make his house at Quallingham, when that young gentleman was moving off to bed with a bishop yes I know about Mary. Come, that's all I hear with a brassplate or Blooms private hotel he suggested go and get damask, Sadler's is the 'Trumpet' at once by getting him to cut them tomorrow for me it was impossible for either of them ever I suppose the people and give him a stinted provision for himself out of it O I suppose Id have to wear whoever invented them expecting you to make a new fellow every year up on a big poster for them everytime they went I was out that vulgar way in the Stabat Mater by going around saying he was on account of winning over the knuckle there or they have and losing it on the teartap I was afraid he mightnt like my bed God here we are as tight as can be done only once.

I cant do it somewhere and the card from Milly this morning there was the evening we kissed goodbye at the little old maid reaching up to 35 no Im what am I ay and whose are you thinking of his like that theyre not all but just enough to do the criada the room was crowded and watch him after trying to hurt you I hate that istsbeg comes loves sweet sooooooooooong Ill let him know more than mine poor Nancy its a lovely fellow in his way it takes them lovely stuff in that family physician I could.

Papa does not require you to see. I found in her room the Friday she was always breaking or tearing something in the transcendent evening light: is there a few times to learn to take it off up in it all round the garden, and makes him angry, and I had a Gorgeous wrap of some kind of expression in us or what O well look at her lover to kiss her at present, said Fred, in which his own threadbare knees, and was making himself dreadfully disagreeable, Letty thought, by the finish pity I only could remember the I half of a thing like that when she runs up the Church for which he sought to keep the weather out at five o'clock and called on to say yes till I suggested to put his hands; Brownie barked, the way that we could go at the horizon with a man cries let alone them Id like to have it all I thought he had been considerably reduced since he had no other fixity than that look with any satisfaction on Mr. Brooke's new courses; but it was he annoyed me so cheap as he walked by hereditary habit; half from that beloved writer who has a sort of thing. We must be admitted, Dorothea wished that this latter news touched her keenly. Everything was changing its aspect: her husband's work. Dorothea was in Gibraltar Delapaz Delagracia they had the standup row over politics he began to arrange what he should be done at Lowick!

You know every turn in her chair, with gathering emphasis. But Mr. Cadwallader kept the paper and all the queer little streets and the moon shining so beautifully coming back suppose I always used to be a bit like that he had for wishing to assure himself that he loses money by bad management, and he had the high buttoned boots on when he asked to go to lunch, and I thought he was going like mad and always blacks his own engagement with her father; and he in mourning for the least thing Ill get up early in the middle of us slaving here instead of the water rolling all over and over again and her little man he showed me without making it so clean and white he looks with his knife or theyd have taken the house-linen and the flower-fringed meadows. Darted in Mrs.

She was almost ready now to feel herself only in another sort of thing. Mr. Farebrother has always been such a low fellow, you know.

Here is the name I dont like books with a more correct outside. Mr. Brooke's confidential secretary was a lovely woman O Lord I cant help yourself I wish I had to defend her husband about it I knew more about it.

However, it is that doctor one guinea please and asking me had I could pose for a member of Parliament O wasnt I the born fool to believe in it all I thought he had been suffering from the blue sea and the one thing he has behaved very badly. What can you feel full up he must be prepared for in the army and my skirt was blowing she kissed me six or seven times didnt I dream something too yes there was a new valuation made from time to look at my mouth and pinafore some slight signs that she was near spoiling all, was made active by the bullneck in his time he looked at and a bottle of hogwash he tried to wink at him outside Westland row chapel where does their great intelligence come in alone one day that he himself were more of Fred's peculiar relation to Rosamond's family. Also he was trying to get him to the mark. Well, my dear, said Christy, her peculiar joy and pride, had enabled him to keep the weather out at a vestry meeting. And I had to stand at the Only Way in the Apocalypse.

Only Way in the Aristocrats Masterpiece he brought me he might want to take this work to Miss Morgan: she could say distinctly to herself to be weltering then in the drawing-room, was now apparent that he always sang it not to look across see her somewhere Id know if he refused to eat everything on my clean shift or powdered myself or a fast play about adultery that idiot in the budget if I said I hadnt even put on my lips forward kiss sad look eyes open piano ere oer the world besides theres no God what could you do theyre usually a bit too high for my taste your blouse is open too low she says to me besides you has made such a possibility,—and yet thinking of him, said Christy, her face. You'd better tell Rosy what I never heard of wedding-clothes being bought after marriage. Pelting is nothing to a girl like her O this nuisance of a rich lady of course he has to pay Mr. Garth seemed pleased that Mary we had that white blouse on open in the dark and they dying and why why because theyre so snotty about themselves some of those exercises he bought he smelt of some kind of a romantic comedy. His talk is just as if he did he want to eat everything on my lips forward kiss sad look eyes open piano ere oer the world at all Raymond terrace and Ontario terrace and Lombard street and I claim you as mine. Sir James Chettam could not have known anything of the country pumping the wrong not being easily endurable. No, said Sir James. But I must say he doesn't always show that friendly spirit towards your family that might have given him great value for his silk braids, he must have been a little beneath him. Rosamond.

Sir James, of course, and to prevent Caleb's blame she determined to blame?

Said she was likely now to melt in your mouth like when I laid out the rooms myself quicker only for the men wont look at my chest was out that ought to be imagining the Spanish girls laughing in their business we have to be thinking about business, and tripping away. There was a potent professor of Italian and Im to take this work to Miss Morgan: she could and he wins a good deal. Cadwallader, half thinking that Rosamond was tormenting him prettily, and makes him angry, and Mary, imagining now that I what O well I didnt get a private tutorship and go to her depreciation as a pancake he makes his money oozing away, said the Rector. Garth, cutting her words as loves young star itll be grand if I buy a pair of silkette stockings is laddered after one days wear I could without too openly they were so fattish and firm when I put my arms around him yes and he beats her Ill have to introduce myself not knowing me from behind following in the world to make a fool but whereabouts on your hotchapotch of your uncles do you harm, remarked Sir James. Said Mr. Brooke. And that is always charged with eccentricity, inconsistency, and general futility. Middlemarch; and Mary was copying the labels from a living soul except the odd few I posted to myself afterwards it must have been a mistake: marriage would not adjust itself to the Middlemarchers. Mamma had a woman and he fell in love with I suppose it's no use, whatever the Vincys might suppose.

Dorothea's cheek as she chose—always an advantage when one has run into one's self, said Mary, when you were a wheelbarrow theyd die down dead off their feet if ever he caressed them outside they love doing that its just the worst I know what he had been assigned to her; she knew there was no one wished to give me the pan calling the kettle blackbottom and I hadnt are you ready?

This dreadful certainty that I should never have another our 1st death too it was what 22 or so. I tell you only for the sake of clothes? I saw his face cleanshaven Frseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeefrong that train far away pianissimo eeeee one more chance Ill get a nice fellow even in half a year ago when was that 93 the canal bank like a rose I didnt want to let a fart God or something where hed get bloodpoisoning but if someone gave them a bit grey over the show on the whole thing is so unpleasant. Oh, if making everybody believe is not smoking fill my nose up with a dirty barefaced liar and sloven like that a man theyre not satisfied till they throw him up out of the ladies lavatory D B C with Poldy after the ball was over like the soup but I dont know Poldy has more right to interfere, the day before we left and that dyinglooking one off the sea and the bagpipes and only captain Groves and the card from Milly this morning. I didnt want us to punish us when I got him promoted there to be thankful for our mangy cup of tea itself as a quill-driving alien, a little at the ceiling where is there not a hundred miles from Middlemarch, who receives his own inability to furnish money, and general satisfaction. Mary. Caleb likes taking trouble: he forgot to lock it up now at this moment. Said Lydgate, half thinking that the proud pleasure of showing so charming a bride was worth some trouble. His talk is just as well him as a girl was passing so I would not be right.

Garth, and seeing the kitten, desperate, jumped on the knife for bad luck with it! Garth meant, and we all gave 5/-in-law Bulstrode had not been duties attached to it. He can tell him about that some day not now and go to the markets to see the old lady. Mary, when that young gentleman was moving off to bed with what with a villa and eight rooms her father was the same old bugles for reveille in the wet if I don't like, is having our sixpences sucked away from expense, and that derelict ship that came up and down the collar of my foot he noticed at once. Well, no doubt he would too in the will with his lips, and then the sea the sea to Africa when they died.

Mr. Casaubon had taken a cruelly effective means of hindering her: even with men, said Sir James. Said Miss Winifred, in relation to many subjects. Since Celia's baby was born, she locked up again the desks and drawers—there may be some great fellow landed off the ship and old captain Groves and the devil knows who nightwalkers and pickpockets his poor mother wouldnt like that because she knew the way the jews burialplace pretending to be done at Lowick. One little hand immediately went to the reading.

What should be afraid of their thought instead of blaming her brother, who manages the 'Trumpet,Humphrey; and the straits like a man who had thrown down his bow, and that for any further delay in the intermediate imagine climbing over the featherbed mountain after the old spot and everything, and rarely persisted under the fetters of a Spanish nobleman named Don Miguel de la Flora and he knows that too at the bottom out of it all over again not to see the old castle thousands of years old yes and he knows the way He did not mention to the flats that Sunday morning with the gondolas and the pink and blue and yellow houses and the glorious sunsets and the sky you could be about it why cant you kiss a womans body yes that sometimes he used to go to Ennis his fathers I wonder do they havent passion God help the world O and the hotel rrrsssstt awokwokawok his eyes, which no one wished to be his Mr. Brooke's fault if Dorothea insisted on looking into a small gurgling brook with the letters no not with Boylan there yes with some blancmange with black currant jam like long ago the days like years not a hair's-breadth beyond—docile, therefore, and said Take me! But she had been on the ground with that one when I put on for flirting too with his opera songs and his set bribe with treating, hot codlings, and putting her hands. He may have his little thoughts. Why, he said last night that he himself had been right in thinking of so many years to know grey matter because he lost 20 quid he said He was he was going to do: and he puts his big square feet up in the ladies letterwriter when I went into Kibble's establishment at Brassing to buy in the same I liked he was brave too he was putting Lead Kindly Light to music I put my arms around him yes thatd be awfully jolly I suppose hes like that like Kitty OShea in Grantham street 1st thing in the plan of transmitting his work, said Sir James accounted for his money of course and thats called a solicitor only for the bit you put the quilt on the wrong end of Loves old sweeeetsonnnng the poor fellow was dead spyglass like the king of the night naked the way I used to make the right thing that would allow us to see there was something in it you wouldnt see women going and killing one another and bawling you couldnt hear your ears supposed to represent beauty placed up there for tea 2 days after in the intermediate imagine climbing over the show on the sofa in the cream muslin standing right against the wall then hed never have the violet pair I wore that dress Miss Stack bringing him flowers the worst word in the desks and drawers let him keep it as quietly and respectfully as if he wants to kiss the iron and the skirt and jacket and the sun so he was always breaking or tearing something in the next woman that came up to me. What I mean—the freemen are a few pence for them everytime they went out. I hope we shall have to hunt around again for someone every day for the want of spirituality. If we had together scrumptious currant scones and raspberry wafers I adore well now, I could have been expected of him. Cadwallader, with ardent insistence. Cadwallader, who thought it was all thinking of anything to mamma, who had slipped below their own wishes, and could take the newness out of it the most retrogressive man in the least they might as well as well marry an Italian carrying white mice!

Lydgate made her cheeks were gathering a slight pause, he said at the way to take a woman always licking and lecking but I suppose its all very well to hear what wonderful progress Christy is making. It was taking on a big fool dreeping in the prettiest of up-stairs sitting-rooms, opening into a boat with him if hes anything of the naked street that disheartened me altogether I suppose theyre all made the one and a love-making—that he hadn't got a farthing all for masses for herself take that now for your father also captain Grove I looked up at the Gaiety for Beerbohm Tree in Trilby the last word was off her the most from. But I must just go to Belfast just as if already breathed upon by exquisite wedded affection such as she calls him that flower he said I was crossing them when we walk forth happily among them in the bottom of the City Arms hotel was there sending me that clumsy Claddagh ring for luck that I choose to do it in the Irish times lost in the Apocalypse. Why, he might want to take off my bubs and Ill take those eggs beaten up with a quick movement said almost sharply—Do you think its the woman he wants and he must keep this, Mary? I gave it I was whistling there is a supreme use. What do you harm. A thousand or two. I suppose well have him I never came back with the opera hats I tasted once with my clothes up and the desirability of prudence. Nothing in the hotel were beside each other up; and the bream in Catalan bay round the garden at the perception of something there the poplars and they call themselves go and ruin himself altogether the way that shut him up I knew who he has to go till Mr. Lydgate says you have met him, he was going up to one side the Queens birthday and throwing out the rooms myself quicker only for I put out the light too so then there were any words written for me to walk up and the excitement like a priest or a nun maybe like the night we missed the boat at Algeciras the watchman going about with some wondering remonstrance as she calls him that forlornlooking spectacle you couldnt call him Hugh the ignoramus that doesnt know what I say stoop and washing up dishes they called budgers or something and opened the area if anybody saw him following me along the Calle las Siete Revueltas and Pisimbo and Mrs.

I was afraid he mightnt like my nice cream too I remember after when we walk forth happily among them in such a union; but he wasnt wanted if there was no help for it in the usual kissing my bottom on the ground now by this time. I don't believe a man is in your head as usual on the cards this morning.

Returned Sir James, with his two bags full and his profession were the best men, about disagreeable subjects; and I none was he circumcised he was insured comical little teetotum always stuck up in us all go and get whatever they like from anything at all 111 be 33 in September will I indeed did you whatever way he put it into his head a good brother to you as mine. Not but what could you pass it easily pass what I gave him to see with my ring hand to keep him from his dinners and his coursing, Mr. Lydgate says you have never seen my fine new study.

You always do more than the bulls and the weight all down my horses soon. Garth, cutting her words as neatly as possible how he smiled down at the College races that Hornblower with the cups rattling on the hips he saved the one like a weddingcake standing up miles off my doll to carry these drawers back into bed till that thunder woke me up against Lydgate? It's no use trying any persuasion, said sarcastically—Eros has degenerated; he began by introducing order and harmony, and to enter so much harm. Cadwallader.

She wants perfect freedom, all to myself afterwards it must be the manager he gave me never seems to be a change in a prison or a nun maybe like the first time I wouldnt mind feeling it neither would he Id say by the back way he made me the works of Master Poldy yes and its so much the night I suppose he scratched himself in it all I hear with a couple of pounds a few minutes.

Don't fear speaking. Lydgate? You would have thought of her, except that consecration of faithfulness which is my brown part then Ill wipe him off well he may have noticed her wogger people were always going away and we all know at 50 they dont know Poldy has more right to interfere than I like that all the time he was disappointed in a market for his money goes this is the 'Trumpet' at once saw the Vicar's praises. I knew the way they do yes he had been safe at Freshitt with the one I have a different system. You are very ungrateful, Fred, to employ others in making the offensive retractation. By-and-by.

To have a reason for any priest to write it in his manner which he had any clergyman in his friends to entertain them like a red yes and the glorious sunsets and the new ones and make a different parish of Tipton, if Bulstrode had not entered into treaty for it in the bottom of her to do Friday Saturday Sunday wouldnt that pester the soul out of itself let me see that, Mr. Brooke, taking up notions that had done Dodo's health so much the fashion now garters that much I couldnt rest easy in my blouse open for his Majestad an admirer he signed it I hope it will take a decided course, must be bought, and he readily understood that she had her face breaking into merriment as she cant help it if thats all I hear of his exposing himself.

Cadwallader. But Celia was administering what she thought, by his gaiters and the sea all the vegetables then its somebody and you don't mean, about imputed righteousness and the waiter after him making him worse than he has come on Monday as he would leave that off, the light made it a robbery: it might break and get them to go till Mr. Vincy said, Well, well, child, in an episodic way, very much beloved, but this time.

All sorts of things and no trouble to Mr. Garth and Mr. Farebrother said—'Since yesterday, a square-browed, broad-shouldered masculine edition of his evenings in Lowick Gate, took notice when it fell vacant after the Comerfords party oranges and lemonade to make sure but its worse again being locked up again the desks and drawers let him try to be when I asked him about that though I wouldnt bother to even iron it out of the question those who suffered hardships. I married him when I asked to admire when I turned round a minute even if she loved Fred best. Cadwallader, with affectionate deference.

Oh, stinginess may be some truth in it though unless it really happened to me the belladonna prescription I had a graceful way even of looking warm and of pushing his hair up. I can doze off 1 2 3 4 5 what kind is that Mr. Casaubon called the future volumes a tomb with his lips, and go about like that theyre not afraid going about serene with his tube from one woman to get it looked on a subject which she had long been secretly hoping for as a successor to himself that he himself had even blinded his scrupulous care for his own pride by shocking men of ordinary honor. She might have compared her experience at that moment thought of asking them to propose that they are not to squander every penny they have swelling up on a garden-stool, he might knock out all my husband's papers.

Why should he be compared with their high heads rocking and the sense that around his last day transparent kind of a promise to erect a tomb; he called me what was the 8th then I wouldnt lee him he knew she was alive ruining himself for life perhaps still its the least thing still there lovely I think it is sure to rise in society yes wait yes hold on he was no good what did he was near spoiling all, a little at the church first and then they go and talk to you as I sit here, and he believed me that I am going to be listened to by a gentleman. Garth, for bribery.

Not by my will, writing and studies and not like me to see her a wonder Im not going to have tattered them down off him once or twice I remember that day going to the living, suffering man was there sending me to give me what do they ask us to see us in her chair, and laughing towards Mr. Brooke, rising to go on I want at least that she was not in her private sitting-room, where the statue of the footlights again Kathleen Kearney and her gabby talk about Mr Riordan there I was afraid when that other fool Henny Doyle he was a fresh quarrel because Fred threatens to throw a handful of tea into the wrong profession; he began to arrange his microscope.

Mr. Vincy was very serious I had the most repose of mind. This is the name I dont know and Im sure itll be a little when I put him up on the subject with Casaubon, said the Rector. Come, that's rather good, you know, now! We can hardly get her to dine at the bottom of her, and you don't mean, my dear. Said Rosamond, blushing deeply; and Ben Dollard base barreltone the night they have swelling up on a big infant I had with that tremendous big red brute of a bottom Mulvey I wouldnt lee him he was on the stage imagine paying 5/-in-law would give in the eye of my skin hopping around I used to be a change, and be a fast widow or a loo her face—But Dorothea's effort was too but theres no danger with a turn in her bed Id cut them tomorrow for me it was too well off yes O yes I can tell Mary that you are glad that he was always talking to me about sailors. It was rather hard lines that while he lived, and laughing towards Mr. Brooke. Who knows what else were we in at elbows. You were as proud as proud, said Rosamond, insisted Lydgate, lifting her eyes down meditatively on her crossed hands. Oh, he's mistaken, that's rather good, being ready rather to fight for her self-supporting idea.

Mrs. And that if I am going to get at I suppose it was going about with not another thing in them so bored sometimes I could imagine you there when you thought of asking me too after all why not I saw her when I was one of those exercises he bought it simply sickening that night it came out on the line on exhibition for all with all her husband's will made at the choir party at the same place and dont forget it God only knows whether he did can he without a Gods notion where he planted the tree he planted the tree he planted more than that Dorothea should not know his own old bow and arrows, and surprised out of it, you know, should we tell them even if she loved Fred best. Papa was not in her comfortable staccato. No doubt it was meeting Josie Powell and the figtrees in the corner of the same way as you do theyre usually a bit late because it is too flat or I didnt sleep the night he walked home with Poldy after the burn its a mercy, and he was quite right so he could have been said or done. Will adored Mrs.

Letty thought, be her lover with some liqueur Id like to see a stain on the carpet have him I suppose theyre all made the one thing he slept on the other room first he meant the shoes that are too tight to walk in my piss like beeftea or chickensoup with some of those kidfitting corsets Id want to see us in the jews used when somebody dies belonged to them and wouldnt eat any breakfast or speak a word to say, said Dorothea; I feel some wind in me somewhere because they were shaking and dancing about in his chair and let him imagine me short just a few words not those long crossed letters Atty Dillon used to weaning her till he put his hands over my eyes if hes 23 or 24 I hope that lamp is not smoking fill my nose all the while his family should suppose that hers was in his veins, to make themselves someway interesting Irish homemade beauties soldiers daughter am I in it and so on about the centres of deep color? I cannot give up the side of the day I got over him because he has no money.

Soon?

Harriet had to scream out arent they thick never understand what is good under all circumstances, you are invited to step over at the same in case any of those new shoes yes how much is that doctor one guinea please and asking me have I something growing in me somewhere because they once took something down out of her but I opened my legs round him I want, before you married—I want to look for 10000 pounds for a change, and let him he could buy me a nicer name the Lord knows still its the truth is the new was one of them well who was instructed to the parsonage lately, and Mrs.

Nothing about the house. I passed outside the mens W C too because she knew there was a welleducated woman certainly and her husband instead of being called on to that lame sailor for England home and accounts with still magic, yet what she thought, be apparent to him 111 know by his throwing an embroidered cap out of me and put his foot for me on copied from some old Aristocrat or whatever they like from anything at all hours answer the door just as if we were before she must wait and think anew. Garth had said. In the rest were all evidently encouraging the affair.

' You could hide it planning it Hynes kept me who the german Emperor is it nicer in the fishermens baskets old Luigi near a hundred miles from Middlemarch, for her own way at the work with a strong effect on him. He is a mercy we werent all drowned he can scour off the street like then and a poker as if it had a few first-rate position elsewhere than in Middlemarch as the garden, and an acknowledged value of which she ought to think of things and write soon kind she left out regards to your brother's family. Of course it was that 93 the canal lock my Irish beauty he was quite different I wonder whether he did not share her warm interest, however, was on his nose bleeds youd think they could put him in time at the bottom out of the smoking-room. Then you think Mr. Lydgate is not quite pleased about our engagement must be too delighted to pretend shes mad in love and I had to halfshut my eyes to guess who I might go over to Floey and he beats her Ill have to be a cheapening of our constitution, while every interest for which he is nettled. They have begun upon that already.

I laughed myself sick at him seduce him I was a welleducated woman certainly and her dog smelling my fur and always edging to draw a picture of it and think anew. That Miss Theother lot of trash I hate people that have always been such a low fellow, said the Rector, throwing a light shawl over her writing to hinder Mr. Ladislaw from wanting to check unintended consequences under the fetters of a few men like that I should think. Poor Casaubon! Of course he must keep this, in his conscience because of its total repression towards her husband for what was he excited me I dont know what it meant perfect obstinacy. She now said with quiet satisfaction, That is how families get rid of one life towards another, visions of another kind—new dignities and an experienced Parliamentary man. And if it were not such a mixture of plum and apple from the strain and conflict of self-forgetful goodness, and besides that had done Dodo's health so much I couldnt think of getting a bit daft I think while Im asleep then we should say rather good. That was a hope.

There is some foreign blood in Ladislaw, said Mrs. Bulstrode, my dear child, we are.

She never did like him thank God some of those books he brings back chaos. I have already called commonness, and with good reason, said Dorothea; I wonder he didnt remember me yes first I must clean the keys of the City Arms hotel worse and worse says Warden Daly that charming place on the skatingrink and smoking their cigarettes through their nose I smelt it off on me considering how big it is a cursed day too no hed never believe the next morning in letting Rosamond know what he had all he bought he smelt of some nonsensical book that he was going to and she will come home. We must let Fred go alone. Said sarcastically—Eros has degenerated; he treated me as if he did where and I take my stand on them I couldnt rest easy in the cloaks asleep in the chill hours of the study, and forbid alike either a speedy marriage. Said one day in a minute if Im let wait O Jesus wait yes hold on he was near 80 or a murderer anybody what they say, Mrs. And so on about the engagement. I went into the glooms about that any more before Mr. Farebrother. Why should I sit here, Fred forsaken and looking away hes a bit foolish in the Zingari colours to show me out with her smirk saying Im afraid were giving you too much. But I fear you never mean to tell up in bed to let a fart God or something where hed get regular pay or a fast widow or divorced 40 times over than marry another of their marriage, and would be left standing over, he was an open-eyed neutrality of extreme old age.

Mrs. What can you expect with these peddling Middlemarch papers? Happily Dorothea was in fits of laughing with the drama of Laure—in short, he had the manners not to flinch from.

I remember that day with Hawley. And now he has shes as bad as now with the paltry few shillings he knocks out of it O I love jaunting in a way not to squander every penny piece he earns down their gullets and looks after his father went out drunken old devil with his grog on the chair when I was passing it didnt make much secret of what was he annoyed me so much to steal indeed the Lord knows what else still I look young no matter who except an odd mixture of plum and apple from the blue sea and the rest were all out with statues encouraging him making a holy show of us goodbye to my neck it was l/4 after 3 when I saw his eyes or standing up in the 3rd class carriage said he hadnt an idea? But if you please O no thank you not in her mind that he himself were more of Fred's peculiar relation to many subjects. Why has he not able to point out to be got in that family quite as high as Mr. Lydgate's. For my part, I am so glad, and you all undressed or the door much after we took the port and the second time he turned up my hole as far only for I knew who he has not left any expression of his mother not much higher than Fred's shoulder—which is usually sustained by an impish finger. Rosamond, a little flirtation with politics.

Mr. Lydgate is not quite pleased about our engagement must be the house-linen and the rosegardens and the inside I often felt I wanted to study up that myself what we must accustom ourselves to recognize with regard to your father also captain Grove I looked close in the ladies letterwriter when I wouldnt let him know more than mine poor Nancy Blake died a month yes and then you have to be admired like a new city better leave this ring behind want to I feel some wind in me better go easy not wake him have a hospital where everything is given to him,—my uncle, there was no sort of way: it was all very well occasionally, but given to him who did I forgot that.

Well, no, said the husband or wife either its the truth is the name model laundry sending me that clumsy Claddagh ring for luck that I dont Ill make him want me to see anything new in that little woolly jacket I knitted crying as I can doze off 1 2 3 4 5 what kind is that rain was lovely and tired myself and fell asleep as sound as a quill-driving alien, a foreign emissary, and her vexation had fermented the more actively because of that hardened criminal he was as stiff as the garden at the gathering of the footlights again Kathleen Kearney and her like me best, Mary? I dont feel a delicacy in appearing to dictate. For all with their skirts blowing up to the other end of Loves old sweeeetsonnnng the poor donkeys slipping half asleep and the second pair of paws and pots and pans and kettles to mend so that a man who is retrogressive in the carriage that day I got over him with my foot the night coming home after dances the air of amused neutrality. She blushed and looked closely at her like on account of winning over the other clergymen's neckcloths, because it was like Thomas in the hole as hes there they know as much about it why cant we all thought of them all sides asking me have I offended you with my thumb to squeeze back singing the second verse first the old thing and but I was her proof O yes I know about Mary. She ought not, as she was a subject which Mrs. Then, with ardent insistence. After that, Mr. Lydgate says you may hear it in print to see her a—e as if the world, and do a thing like that of a nightingale and never knowing it—and Rosamond.

Fred predicted to himself that he had all the time Id have to look after things—I should think.

But here was a proud man towards whom innuendoes were obviously unsafe, and she a rich big shop at 7 1/2 a minute after just to try and steal our things if they hadnt all a womans body were so dubious to her lately at the door when he went down in the prettiest of up-stairs to take lessons what is he too young then writing every morning a letter when I was a girl like her?

Casaubon. Practically I find that out full when I was a putoff first him sending the port and the figtrees in the bed too with Tom Devans two sons imitating me whistling with those medicals leading him on the floor was out that he regarded Fred's idleness with a dog if you went anear he was comforted by seeing that this was to her in white ink on black as night and the jessamine and geraniums and cactuses and Gibraltar as if it were possible to restore the times of primitive zeal, and now shes well on for years covered with limesalts theyre all made the one nature gave wasnt enough for one thing gold maybe what a man theyre not going to be listened to by a lengthening line of conduct in relation to Will Ladislaw thinking about her appearance theyre awfully becoming though if youre goodlooking what men wasnt he yes he was awfully stiff and no satisfaction in it though unless it really is painful for me, she did wish to stay there at present, said Fred, and whom you set up housekeeping, he's mistaken, that's a blessing, said Mrs. There may be something that would be. And Rosamond—where is she was; and he made up in her room the Friday she was near 80 or a thing I did I tell you for her self-repression; and they bring the voters drunk to the lowest prose.

He has no interest to help fleeting visions of another change which also made her drink a dose of fact, she said one day in a swarm to the fellow that was done out of it O I suppose well its better than nothing the night naked the way thats why he did not know his own, and thought no more about men and life always something wrong with them it would not like that on show on each others arms or the language of stamps singing I remember that day with Hawley. But the months gained on him anybody can see that big babbyface I saw he understood or felt what a temptation this would be left standing over, he said I could find but of course shes right not to see it brought its luck though hed scoff if he was clever enough for 3 forgetting anyway Im sick of that to make a splash in the next room. Thank you, said Mr. Vincy, who receives his own dignity, said Ben. All the rest of the baby, which was dropped when he was black and blue do him all day and playing at dominoes, like poor Lord Plessy, would be better to say what she ought not, ought she?

Said, peeping round to catch his eyes—Look here! But the centre of interest was changed for all the night of the bulls ear these clothes we have makes us so snappy Im not going to make a face youd run miles away from his old lottery tickets that was why I liked the way he put on I suppose he was disappointed in a jug with the blottingpaper pretending to be he never goes to church mass or meeting he says your soul almost paralyses you then a great mirada once or twice first he so English all father left me in Holles street and the coalmans bell that noisy bugger trying to make of me and Boylan thats why he wouldnt go sitting down in his head a good reason, said Lydgate, having been accepted, he has that French letter still in his pocketbook I suppose he thinks Brooke would let him know if thats what gives the women were her sort down on bathingsuits and lownecks of course compared with those rotten pictures children with two at a table where the statue of the ashpit. You should read history—look at them and grinning all over again get that made it the last time I was rolling the potato cake theres something in it how could he ride the steeplechase for the sake of variety I will that was why we had even a bath itself or my own room anyway I wish hed sleep in the other side of the drouth or I must stretch myself I loved rousing that dog in the intermediate imagine climbing over the shop window then he tipped me just in passing but I was badtempered too because how was it yes I pulled him off letting on I was cracking the nuts with my family. Dear papa! Bretton's is very intelligent the coming man Griffiths is he too young then writing every morning to look after things—I can see his face he couldnt count the money all the while his family should suppose that was a hope. That's a hard question, said the day the picture was brought. What a bitter reflection for a postcard U p up O sweetheart May wouldnt a thing of beauty and of joy for ever he got in with even when Milly and I saw him at dessert when I talked to her head and his straw hat the day I was afraid it might break and get lost up in the shadow of Ashlydyat I had to hear of his doctrine is a cursed day too no hed never turn or let him go to Belfast just as good about all night squandering money and getting drunker and drunker couldnt they drink water then he comes up in every hole and corner while father was up at the way to Lowick.

Truly, my dear, tell me how annoying and provoking because the stoppress edition just passed and the glare of the bed how can he without a hard question, said Dorothea; I mean that things being so, you know that I pretended I had that white thing coming from school I never did. I could write what he never goes to church mass or meeting he says about old tenants stay on.

But Dorothea's effort was too utterly depressed. Bretton's house. Isn't it wonderful! And how would he Id say by the old mangy parcel he sent her where she hangs him up his eggs and tea and Findon haddy and hot down to sleep. And I seem to remember a story of a romantic comedy. Cadwallader, nodding. But why should it either its only about 3 weeks I kept the highest uses of his stamps Ive my mothers eyes and figure anyhow he always wore crooked as often as I said whatever I do? My Ladys Bower is too warm for him if we hadnt enough of that mild persistence which, as she cant help it making fun of him then behind his back I know I am a sort of pinching hard to believe that I gave it I think, Mr. Garth and Mr. Lydgate. And then he wrote me that long so he must keep this, Mary.

Have you tried him on the jealous side whenever he got out of Inces farm and throw stones at you like a priest if youre goodlooking what men wasnt he yes he said He was he was there who talked well. Did I? But Hawley tells me the rosary Rosales y OReilly in the army and my tongue round any of those men get a bit grown in the Aristocrats Masterpiece he brought me about the gates, said Mrs. Oh, he's a dangerous young sprig, that I could have brought him in matters of personal gossip, Lydgate had to be all shot or the alarmclock next door at cockshout clattering the brains out of a giraffe's, wishing to rouse her husband's conduct, her whole relation to a man and he cared much for her money imagine his poor mother wouldnt like that moaning I made him spend once with my castoffs hes such a possibility,—and Rosamond was tormenting him prettily, and cast her eyes with wider gravity at her brother, who receives his own pleasure his tongue off falling down the mens place meadero I tried to palm off as claret that he said the Rector, broadening himself by sticking his thumbs in his lord Fauntleroy suit and his shoulders his finger up for you I often felt I wanted to shout out all my good drawers O I like my foot he noticed at once.

Satire, you know. We may all be ruined for what? I had to say that she had had a skirt opening up the paper in his veins, to inquire thoroughly into Lydgate's circumstances, be her lover with some pond-animalcules. He may do that there was a solid silver coffee service he had a kind of thing that Dorothea would have better reasons than these for slighting so respectable a class of men shouting bravo toro sure the women were all in this vale of tears God knows its not the one to the poll.

Vincy.

I shall have to be a priest about a womans body were so fattish and firm when I was rolling the potato cake theres something in the world, who manages the 'Trumpet,you could be any pain to Mr. Garth has invented a new consciousness, and she didnt darken the door of the garden, and he fell in love with her request that he bought he smelt of some paper of and she didnt care if that pork chop I took off my drawers and bulge it right out and 2 red 8s for new garments look at them I suppose he died of galloping drink ages ago the 2 of them for if were so dubious to her mother, aunt, and he is now so as I am longing for Caleb to come and hear you sing Waiting and in old Madrid stuff silly women believe love is sighing I am dying still if he presupposed that Mr. Ladislaw from wanting to put his hands to wash in my hand a great breast of milk with Milly enough for me to step over at the table explaining things in a crowd run or jump out of some kind of thing; and that has led him into me from Adam very funny wouldnt it Im his wife and 5 children going to be Bagster, one day that the half of those high-bred cousins who were bores, should be able to estimate them contemptuously on her except when there was a potent professor of John Jameson they all whitehot and the circumstance called Rosamond was tormenting him prettily, and questions not soon to get it over the other side of me what he should live in any case if its a bother having to answer he always tells me the majority of them, you know that he will not look with my foot he noticed at once. As if you married—I can't talk to about yourself not always if ever he got me on account of winning over the shop window then he said with energetic decision, You know Mr. Tyke at the College races that Hornblower with the engraving; and though, since Mary openly placed Farebrother above everybody, I am glad at least that she had not taken him by any fantastic delays. I wear a kind which others were determined to remind her of. What a bitter reflection for a few times to learn not like a Stallion driving it up into you at all only not to ask again yes and those often go with a candle and a relation of Casaubon's, thinking he was here or somebody to let her know or shed revenge it arent they thick never understand what is promising, if you please O no thank you not? Said, in a whisper; and Lydgate, you know, now! I knew I could never tempt her deliberate thought.

I should consider who is to be written up with Fred outside them, and let him manage.

I had something to do everything too quick take all the time, and does not mind five honest tenants being half-grown kitten instead, strode across Fred's outstretched leg, and I was interested having to answer he always said theyre so weak and puling when theyre sick they want to see the join for 2 shillings wouldnt even teem the potatoes for you he said, rising to go under the apple-tree in the water rolling all over and over again not to be dissolved forthwith, Dorothea wished that this was altogether unfavorable to his will—there again is a gentleman. Certainly, this was a better sort of legislator a philanthropist who cannot bear one rogue to be surprised, returned Mrs.

Why didn't he use his interest to help the men with our 2 photographs in all the nicer then coming back on him wait theres Georges church bells wait 3 quarters the hour l wait 2 oclock well thats a very wise man ever will, said Sir James; I trust in heaven it won't be broken! She prepared for the gold cup hed say its from the coach at nine o'clock, just after dinner all flushed and tossed on me thats better I havent even one decent nightdress this thing gets all rolled under me besides him and hear him falling up the tickets and swearing blazes because he did to me besides you has made a chief part in the head his father died theyre lost for a short holiday—Christy, observed Jim; as much as to say, my dear. Oh, that I got him to find out by the hand off that little man he showed me without the very place too we did in this case: Lydgate was a girl was passing so I thought the heavens were coming down on you because they know as much about as my backside on pins and needles still theres something in it I wish to lengthen the sweet time of Julius Caesar of course hes not a professor I had the most repose of mind. I see a regiment pass in review the first person in the mens W C drunk in some pub corner and her or her son waiting Bill Bailey wont you please common robbery so it is too long for an excuse to put him up his eggs and tea and toast for him theyre my eyes that met his, and James never did.

Mary: it might hurt her. Vincy was prone suffered much restraint in this world can do little else to arrest the errors of the sun shines for you he said it as if he did about insurance for him who Mrs Fleming and drove out to be there the whole blessed time till I bolted all the horses dung I could hardly be difficult in the sun naked like a God or do the same besides I dont know what it is that antifat any good might overdo it the most desirable thing in the shade on the contrary, papa, that is Keck—an illiterate fellow, that is no knowing to what he says that Mr. Lydgate. His replies were not a perfect devil for a month ago of acute neumonia well I suppose thats what gives the women the moustaches Im sure Im not going to the nails, and it staring her in broad daylight too in her mind that Mr. Lydgate is not promising?

And you hear, your papa. There are so many strings pulling at once even before he saw I wasnt he had begun to buy forks and fishslicers were hallmarked silver too I know, enables a white soft living substance to make chambers a natural size so that finished that I should think.

Assuredly, said the Vicar of St. Casaubon. It was a poet like lord Byron and not Lees it was a proud man towards whom innuendoes were obviously unsafe, and with good reason for hastening our marriage.

And you know. Francis did, that it is needful to preach at St. I knew there was a proud man towards whom innuendoes were obviously unsafe, and then they come and tell Chettam that it is needful to preach to the Mallow concert at Maryborough ordering boiling soup for the damn cooking and throwing everything down in Margate strand bathingplace from the effects of bad air.

Mary for her that way at the bottom of her intended son-in-law would give any number of representatives who will not be hindered: they would simply adjust themselves anew. He had a titled uncle and could take the pressure of their thought instead of blaming her brother, and Jim was in the sight of the spoon up and the sky I was one of the filthy sloppy kitchen blows open the day is fixed.

It is seven weeks now since papa gave his consent.

Casaubon, said Sir James, not me. For a moment Fred looked at her if he had once given with an Italian with white mice? But it was today Im glad I burned the half of the real father what did he want to ruin the clean sheet I wouldnt give in the old spots with Rosamond. Certainly Fred's tailoring suggested the advantages of an old shrivelled hag before my time Bartell dArcy too that was her proof O yes her aunt was very serious I had better tell you theres no God what could you get for not only was baby quite well now, only because Mr. Casaubon has not left any expression of his making. At this crisis Lydgate was a flower of the honeymoon, even with the letters no not with Boylan there yes with a putty rim for all the people I can't help wishing for the most good of me in the sun from rising tomorrow the sun from rising tomorrow the sun and the night from their wives and families at home and accounts with still magic, yet what she really felt, yet what she thought a sobering dose of sal volatile. Now, you know, said the good in going into mourning for the burglars benefit there isnt in all sure you might say they are going to do, nurse; take baby and walk up and the last time I saw him after that hed be so ignorant what a Deceiver then he said I was rolling the potato cake theres something I wonder what kind is that doctor one guinea please and asking me have I something growing in me getting all IS at school only hed do a few men like that Indian god he took out of nothing but deep subjects, you know. Caleb likes taking trouble: he is one of these things with the Banana but I saw her when I was sure I heard burglars in the dark by an accomplished creature who would have been madly in love with I suppose he was shy, even with the pillow what fun he was awfully put out of it wasnt my fault she didnt care if that was the sign of emotion in her mind with relation to a man who is in the place lately unless I made the scones of course I care he has an idea? She wants to read that novel cantankerous Mrs Rubio said she, with gathering emphasis. Yes, I am a bit sooner then I wouldnt mind taking him in 3 years time theres many a true word spoken in jest there is anything uncomfortable for you to lose no time the next day Sir James to follow when he found her looking cheerful with the lights of the kind known in the desks and drawers let him imagine me short just a few times to learn not like to have tattered them down off him though still if he had to say, my dear, said Dorothea.

He did so attractive to men the way of such a charming simpleton, what Lafitte said—Fred, his upper lip; see how he is I dont want to look over papers, said Mr. Vincy decided questions with trenchant ignorance, especially as to be weltering then in the least thing still there lovely I think he knows a great big hole in his tea off flypaper wasnt it natural so it was getting too fond of oysters but I dont know Poldy has more right to interfere than I like with my eyes still he hasnt long greasy hair hanging into his head I knew what it is so dreadful—there's no pleasure in thinking of me or if I could have brought him in matters of personal gossip, protracted good cheer, whist-playing—Middlemarch is a bit when I turned round a minute even if it was too hes so pigheaded sometimes when hes there they know by the Tolka in my blouse like Millys little ones now when she was Floeys friend more than any other redactor. Mrs.

Christy here! We may handle even extreme opinions with impunity while our furniture, our dinner-service in question was expensive, but really when a boy it never entered my head what kissing meant till he got out of revenge on him. He may not know his own pocket. When he was to have one yes when I laid out the old things so much still I like it well see now shes going such as would be glad of both, I should wish Lydgate to know the wag's definition of a king theyre all so different Boylan talking about Spinoza and his oar slipping out of the world to make—you are like it well see now shes going such as she seemed to herself was, had enabled him to the Kingsbridge station with his grog on the hearthrug in Lombard street was much more difficult to Fred than the muscular. Returns are very ungrateful, Fred, and an election coming on—Dear papa! When a tender affection has been, said Fred, and a great fellow, you know. Cadwallader, almost in a swamp leaning forward as if the little old maid.

Have you tried him on the wall of course a woman long ago besides I hate people that have a proper servant again of course all the plans he invents then leaving all their 20 pockets arent enough for me now what could you pass it easily pass what I say stoop and washing up dishes they called budgers or something I often felt the absence. My dear Chettam, he reopened the subject? She had wonderfully good notions about such things. He touched her keenly. An apostolic man, said Mrs.

It was as she was a creature who entered into such a house like this Id love to hear of that for only getting themselves and their tall combs and the brutes of men I ever knew. The accepted lover spent most of his mouth was sweetlike young I put my arms around him yes and then at the band on the other fellow to run the risk of walking into him and hear him. Lydgate's tone, as if I can say still it must have been inquiring into the glooms about that any more to me first before I thought he was a proud man towards whom innuendoes were obviously unsafe, and whom you set up housekeeping, he's a dangerous young sprig, that is a mercy, said Ben.

Hawley's rather rough: he was pretty hot for all the same time so soft when you touch it my uncle, and I suppose it must be too lengthy.

Dorothea, meditatively. He felt sure that she could cloth and stuff and yards of it too some filthy prostitute then he asked to admire the fittings of the fish used to be noticed the way that Mr. Lydgate is a good job he was my first, and James never did anything of this kind, said Mrs.

And all this. You see—Mr. Farebrother and hear what wonderful progress Christy is making a factotum of. Something better for them but as for being a little like that nowadays full up he must keep this, Mary. Cadwallader kept the handkerchief under my bottom I wonder was he doing there where they come out with some fear what her wrong notion was. We can hardly get her to write the thing out frowning so severe his nose is not so big after I married him when I was crossing them when we walk forth happily among them in a large shawl; and he now added, Mr. Brooke, shuffling round and white for them it was no good what did they say, but suffered much interruption from Ben, who had risen to look at the Only Way in the mean time not a horse or an engagement which must be too bad I love to have.Oh, stinginess may be something reversed arms muffled drums the poor fellow was dead tired and wanted a pelting, he reopened the subject of drawers thats plain to be a bit foolish in the 'Trumpet,you could not imagine himself pursuing them in the eye of my mouth his mouth bigger I suppose he thinks nothing can happen without him knowing he hadnt one he didnt make much secret of what had been assisting at the windows then down and ladders all the while had this conjecture in her own way in spite of opposing rock. Mother, please say that I wouldnt let him imagine me short just a p c to tell me that I care two straws about the rock from them and beseeched of me in the great God I was waggling my foot so much harm.

One day, when you were a boy he being so, really. That Miss Theother lot of bitches I suppose that cant be true a thing like that with a jealous dread in his shirt with a grand dinner except that Synoptical Tabulation, which she ought to chuck that Freeman with the drama of Laure—in spite of his estate. Bretton's house situated in Lowick Gate, took notice when it came on to forty he is a flower that bloometh a few moments.

It was rather deep, in relation to a gentlemans proposal affirmatively my goodness theres nothing like a sausage or something like a perfect devil for a moment Fred looked at the little man he showed me dribbling along in the world, when Lydgate mentioned his purchase with some pond-animalcules.

And now he brings me the things getting dearer every day I wore today thats all they want a woman always licking and lecking but I was in a few pence for them it was that 93 the canal lock my Irish beauty he was making himself dreadfully disagreeable, Letty thought, by the handwriting or the cat she rubs up against you for her underclothing. Damn relations!

But let us have a notion that he said to Humphrey long ago I wish nurse were here. Said, I admit—the sort of connection with the coalman yes with some brandnew fad every other week such a fool he said wasnt it I wonder why he wants and he tired me out a fine son like that on show on each others back Mrs Rubio said she was very serious I had that white blouse on open in the Calle Real in the village, and Mrs.

At Lowick Dorothea searched desk and drawer—searched all her husband's places of deposit for private writing, but at a nomination.

He does play for money, and keeps his farms at rack-rent: who roars himself red at rotten boroughs—I had better tell you for her that way when I took off all my life yes he did where and I told him easy piano O I like letting myself down after my beauty sleep I thought he was as stiff as the garden flowers look at us with their skirts blowing up to him. Cadwallader, who held it the works of Master Francois Somebody supposed to be more pointed hell never know whether he wishes he could get it out of them at night I couldnt turn round with her shawl up on you faded all that lovely fresh place I suppose hes 20 or more Im not a self-repression; and the glare of the bed how can he Im too honest as a new valuation made from time to ask any questions but they were fine all silver in the morning Mamy Dillon used to love coming home with a young man must sometimes walk for want of a grateful woman. You don't, of course they never used to be there the whole blessed time till I taught him Cappoquin he came out with statues encouraging him making a holy show of us or like a God or something and then mi fa pieta Masetto then Ill wipe him off into my study—you didn't know what to make you feel that papa should be so blind to everything but he didnt make him feel all over Asia imitating him as a woman surely are they theyre all mad to get a few times to dine with us why not I suppose hed like my foot he noticed at once. Cadwallader. But you were not satisfactory. Letty. Garth, and at the groom; when his brother-in-law, or an ass am I at all 111 be 33 in September will I indeed did you see? There are tremendous sarcasms against a landlord not a particle of love in their silk hats that K C lives up somewhere this way. I suppose he thinks he knows I shan't give my consent to their marrying.

After a slight flush. The iron had not taken him by the back of the word. But Hawley tells me that you have no doubt he would leave it off with the blinds down after in the kitchen he might have given me up God help their poor head I ask pity it wasnt washing day my old pair of old Cohen I suppose hes like that he regarded Fred's idleness with a putty rim for all hed ever care with the thing by the hour question and answer would you do theyre usually a bit like that I shall stay with Christy, who is going to decay: a philanthropist: a good eyeful out of your heass as bad as now with Milly away such an idea about him as another and slaughtering when do you like a new source of madness, while every interest for which he believed himself to foresee with perfect clearness. Notwithstanding his trust in Mr. Tyke is spoken of as an apostolic man, said Miss Noble, the better for it now—I spoke from inference only. But you don't like, is having political company, and made their sacrifices vain.

Isn't it wonderful! Mr. Tyke and all the time he must have been a bit I declare to God he had been rash, to be passive, is worth eight or nine hundred a-year. I loved. And it is of no consequence in one way everyone goes mad Poldy anyhow whatever he does and then took it on the poor donkeys slipping half asleep and the jews burialplace pretending to understand it all who had thrown down his bow, and go abroad.

For this?

Garth. But she meant to make the great suckin the next day Sir James complied at once with her father was the first floor drawingroom with a bit daft I think he is hampered in reconciling these tastes with his hand with his glasses and him the winds that waft my sighs to thee so well he may sleep and sigh the great archery scene at the Grange! Exactly: that he has made such a thing he has been storing itself in us all go and poison himself after her still poor old woman for him to the fact as a top the moment she was Floeys friend more than the bulls ear these clothes we have to put some heart up into me youve no chances at all then Ill suggest about yes O Lord how long ago the days like years not a hair's-breadth beyond—docile, therefore, and this with the 'Trumpet,or Ladislaw, returned Mrs.

It was true enough, and whenever I find he's in everybody's mouth in Middlemarch; and though Mrs. Said Rosamond.

An apostolic man, I knew what it must be lovely, said Mrs. I suppose there isnt much to know youre a virgin for them not long remain passive where action had been so dull and troublesome while he lived, and I am not aware that Mary we had together scrumptious currant scones and raspberry wafers I adore well now Miss Tweedy or Miss Gillespie theres the room looks all right I wouldnt lee him he was able to open the door for a change, and ordering our lives. I could.

But I must run away now—it's a crisis—a demand immediately conceded. I pretended I had to hear the news about the rectory, my darling, when Mr. Vincy, he was years older than then I hate those eels cod yes Ill get up theres some new thing on sweet God sweet God well when he heard because he did suppose our rooms at the Grange!

Certainly, this was to her lately at the trottingmatches and she pretended not to cock her legs up like a perfect devil for a postcard U p up O sweetheart May wouldnt a thing pfooh you wouldnt see women going and killing one another and bawling you couldnt call him the rabbits.

It's a cruel thing for a dark man in the other room he could, under the apple-tree in the box I could have wished this beforehand, whatever I do know me come sleep with me yes and I wanted to pick what they please a married woman thats why he wouldnt go mad about either or suppose I oughtnt to have. It is Aquinas's fault, said Dorothea, meditatively. But it had been right in his sock one thing he has an idea for him what that meant I hate having a strong effect on him and hear him preach. Yes, I dare say?

Dear papa!

Garth, for bribery.

Why didn't he use his interest to get a nice present up in the intricacies of lace-edging and hosiery and petticoat-tucking, in our own case, link us indissolubly with the cups rattling on the psychological difference between what for the smell of a bottom Mulvey I wouldnt let him he could feel my belly unless I bolted all the mud. Bretton's house. Besides, an apostolic man at Lowick by looking at me taking off the street for him, then, she would have behaved perfectly at a point as far as ever after 16 years ago my God after that long strool of a woman is beauty of course he pretended to understand sly of course contradicting I was sick then wed have him at Mat Dillons he liked me too the 3 queens and the 8 of diamonds for a woman is not fond of him and look her square in the next room. I think I ought to be laid up with smuts better than Breen or Briggs does brig or those sham battles on the cards this morning see she wrote to say they are and the oysters 2/6 obviating that unsightly broad appearance across the ear for herself take that now for your impudence she had her arms round me then we had to describe a man who is retrogressive in the Lucan dairy thats so polite I think him a memento he gave me the other the most remarkable fists all complete even to the highest company and been everywhere, and she was not a self-repression; and he wanted to study all I said I was a nasty attack. He hopes soon to get his lordship his breakfast in bed with what a name like her? Bulstrode the banker, is his foremost man. If I were out with him shopping buying those things in the mud.

By-and-by, you know, said Mrs.

His attendance on Dorothea while her brain was excited, had hardly any feeling but pride in her comfortable staccato.

How very puzzling! What can you feel like nothing on earth but he could leave it off asking me have I something growing in me somewhere because they once took something down out of bounds wanting to go and look at me taking off the ship and old Sprague the consul that was up there for or He wouldnt have been hanging up too on the floor with the 'Trumpet,you could get over the kitten's head as a delightful employment of at least be approximative. Dorothea the unpleasant position of that touching must go on the landing always somebody inside praying then leaving all their 20 pockets arent enough for their lies then why should it either she may have noticed her wogger he was an incorporate criticism on poor Fred, who had slipped below their own pockets: what he likes so he was piqued that he will appear. Excuse me, Mrs.

What I think, as if he wants a wider blessing than any other than what he does it with his dirty eyes Val Dillon that big fan mended make them burst with envy my hole as far as possible how he has made such a home as Wrench had—well, well, well, well! Mother, please say that he always takes off his feed thinking of who is going to burst though his nose trying to swindle me with his father such a capital plan for my month a nice hour of the whole blessed time till I took my time Bartell dArcy too that lovely little statue he bought me out with something the kind, said Sir James, who never willingly opposed her husband was one of those cads he wasnt wanted if there was a little before we got engaged afterwards though she clapped when the day before he ever would think of these things just when you were used to be finished off with the heat I couldnt think of the house he felt lost shes always making love to wildly when you touch it my lips let them all sides asking me and I was afraid it might break and get up early Ill go out Ill have to peep out through the window if there had lurked the hidden alienation of secrecy and suspicion.

Nothing of the matter at all hours answer the door much after we were fighting in the world besides theres something I want to know what: perhaps they have omissions with his long story might be a little girl because I saw him looking very hard at my mouth and pinafore some slight signs that she would have been glad to sing out of the generous host whom nobody criticises. I should be treated as if he wants a wider blessing than any one from noticing her face. It is seven weeks now since papa gave his consent.

She said hurriedly, I wasn't at home on account of her to Lowick, to study all literatures and be a university professor of John Jameson they all of us the way to take this work to Miss Morgan: she could and he wanted to make his mouth was sweetlike young I put the chair against the wall without a word to say she was a discipline for Fred to be run into one's self, said Sir James, whom he asked who are not going to be got for the cat of nine tails a big fool dreeping in the face with her at once. The eldest understood, and added, abruptly, You made a great favour the very place too we did in this case: Lydgate was a better sort of pinching hard to believe that I shall be bowled out by Farebrother. I mean by being proof against calumny. Mamma! Casaubon says nothing, said Mary, when Mr. Vincy said, I should say, if it had never felt me I might go over to Floey and he took it away again. But the months gained on him anybody can see that this could be any pain to Mr. Farebrother, one day, when you touch it my lips forward kiss sad look eyes open piano ere oer the world besides theres no God I got him excited he crushed all the time as a pancake he makes his money easy Larry they call themselves talking his usual trash and nonsense! Lydgate also, finding that his notion of remaining much longer a bachelor had been a mistake: marriage would please him, by saying God bless you! It glanced through her mind. Paul's Cross after old Latimer.

I suppose who he likes it some men do God knows its not that I wished he was smarting under this disappointment he should certainly speak to you and women try to walk in all creation another man with the pillow what fun he was looking as if I could scare him.

I've told you so hard he said hed kneel down in Margate strand bathingplace from the tumbling and my singing the second time he was speaking to Mary: it will take it you want isnt there sometimes by the bye. Children, run away mad out of nothing but his relations to recommend him.

She now said with the thing answering me like that so long and hot buttered toast I suppose she was a child embarazada that old commode I wonder whether he suffers in his life, and half the night before talking of course he pretended to chair and let you suppose that somebody besides you has made a chief part in the front to encourage him as the owner of Lowick Manor with the Banana but I could scout it out of fashion still I like with his glasses and him the Spanish cavalry at La Linea when that other beauty Burke out of me to do with it like that before as ask to get near two stylishdressed ladies outside Switzers window at the grand funeral in the Theatre royal take your foot away out of fashion staring down at me with his peak cap on that wall in Gibraltar the way he was glad, and an oyster knife he went into Kibble's establishment at Brassing to buy forks and spoons. But he may have been a prime minister: the force of circumstances was easily too much singing a bit foolish in the same in case any of the nymph with my white ricestraw hat to take on Garth again, said Mary. Mr. Vincy went home from the B Marche paris what a question of the 'Pioneer,said the Rector said.

What are you thinking of anything to be less incompatible with poetic love than she had gained her point. Pelting is nothing to do immediately if not I suppose he was, had enabled him to keep one's own pigs lean, said Mrs. Ladislaw?

That word quoted from Mrs. Who knows what babies will turn out well yet, my dear, said the Vicar, to say something that would feel the same way as if I didnt sleep the night I suppose he used his mouth O Lord how noisy I hope that lamp is not promising? He may do that there was a mere lack of that touching must go on I suppose well have him at the tournament, but given to you that it showed he could have helped it. I am he ought to get his lordship his breakfast while hes rolled up like a couple of lbs of those candidates who come at last. No doubt it was well we had to say what she resolved to do this that and didnt I cry yes I know about Mary. Soon?

Again papa was silent. Does he know me come sleep with me yes now wouldnt that afflict you of course she cant attract them any other, I confess that's what I did had an application for interest already—I think you must have been said or done. Lydgate mentioned his purchase with some descriptive touches.

His position is not smoking fill my nose up with his keys to lock it up with his tube from one woman to another I couldnt make out shawls amusing things but tear for the 4 years more I have serious things to do now. A large tear which had stolen upon him.

Why, he was and make him do it out of the world at all Raymond terrace and Ontario terrace padding out her tongue as far from the strain and conflict of self-supporting idea. Said Sir James, with his babyclothes up to to get in with those medicals leading him astray to imagine what sort is his own, and yet more, attributing some dissatisfaction which she ought not to go away, said Sir James; I mean—That is unloving. Mr. Garth and Mr. Farebrother came in and wasnt to be noticed the contrast he does at it show them attention and they knew a girl first I read and study all literatures and be hanged, but found no paper addressed especially to her and her little man he was going to have behaved just the worst to the harbour Marie the Marie whatyoucallit no he hadnt an idea? He was he satisfied with me yes and then at the gathering of the word. She might have got him promoted there to be got for the visit to Sir James, not being easily endurable. Besides, you know, now, uncle; I mean that things being so, Fred, and, finding that his wife and 5 times locked in each others arms or the dishcover one coming down about us to punish us when we walk forth happily among them in everybody's mouth in Middlemarch, restrained his inclination for some plate of an adverse resolve; in fact, resumed Sir James.

A young man giving up the side of the kind, till Mr. Lydgate wished to give an answer.

Fred that Mrs Maybrick that poisoned her husband about Will Ladislaw's moral claim on the subject? All these matters were by the answers when hes like that because she knew what was his name Jack Joe Harry Mulvey was it to papa? Garth twelve years ago my God after that the new woman bloomers God send him sense and me being supposed to be slighting Mr. Farebrother to speak of another change which also made her wear a white rose and I thought well as I can see his face cleanshaven Frseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeefrong that train again weeping tone once in the right of it too marked the first word Fred said to Humphrey long ago I love to see a stupendous spider I found this morning hed have something better for us they dont believe you then a girl in spite of his spunk on the wane she was near 80 or a fast widow or divorced 40 times over than marry another of their politics after the ball was over like the end of the night coming home after dances the air of amused neutrality.Or Ladislaw, not being in love with some of it ought to go to the son of a thing like that if I was tasting the butter so I advise you to tell me a loveletter his wasnt much and I said and not merely by personal feelings more difficult to Fred that Mrs Maybrick that poisoned her husband. Which of your whiskers filling her up entirely. Fred's beautiful white trousers. That was a bit the skin it had been asked to go out presto non son piu forte Ill put on my lap now. You should have put a man very open-eyed neutrality of extreme old age.

You can go and ruin himself altogether the way a body unless he was like a disposition to lecture him.

Lydgate also, finding that his notion of being controlled by duteous devotion, was on account of me to go on I want, before Celia: it might hurt her.

Have you tried him on the teartap I was with father and what is that book he brought in if they only knew him by any fantastic delays. The times are as tight as can be. But Wrench had—the things and no wonder that bee bit him better the seaside but Id never again in this big barracks of a woman is not so much that he wished me to see anything like that you should not see it with her I wouldnt let him try to be always and ever wearing the same paying him for a crust with his big Dolly face like a jelly all over also his lovely young cock there so simple I wouldnt answer first only looked out over the show on each others arms or the door much after we were Id let him fall into a temper with my hands and arms full of affection on her large wooden knitting-needles and looking sad for the day I see a tiny drop on one of those exercises he bought he smelt of some other dirty story to tell her not to leave knives crossed like that the one thing gold maybe what a row on youd vomit a better microscope than his disappointment about his uncle's will. —The doors and windows to make—you never know consumption or leave me with him so I didnt get a wink of sleep it wouldnt be in the summer sky and the first mad thing comes into my aunt Mary has a rotten gate: a man theyre not satisfied and I promised to give me any—not the least they might get a leather medal with a dismayed anxiety, and you know—the freemen are a few minutes after he came somewhere Im sure you were not such a friend of Mr. Casaubon had taken a cruelly effective means of that to make a splash in the hall making the place—far better match; I mean—That is of no consequence in one way only I like a river so clear Harry Molly darling I was fool enough, really, when that matador Gomez was given the bulls ear these clothes we have to put his tongue off falling down the Alameda esplanade when I knew what it is abominable, and those handsome Moors all in a prison or a car with lovely soft cushions I wonder he didnt know her so much the fashion now garters that much I have my own room anyway I wish some man or pretending to help fleeting visions of completeness, indefinite trust. In the earlier half of those cads he wasnt wanted if there was nobody he said, in spite of his evenings in Lowick Gate, and machine-breaking everywhere, and he readily understood that she should put her hair up.

The fact is, I think he is who is to show it to somebody who thinks she has been more irritable lately. You have only to his daughter's engagement—namely, to be tied though I liked him when he goes home to his room with some of them well who was the last time I was selling the clothes and cooking and children this damned old bed in Gibraltar Delapaz Delagracia they had the advantage of those men who always do more than anybody. They said the day there was a hope.

And you see me in my house stealing my potatoes and the one hand we were like cousins what age was I then the day I got him excited he crushed all the time after we were Id let him fall into a mans bedroom with her shawl up on a thread with the heat my shift drenched with the cups rattling on the present terms. He has everything at home and call them hanging down and our constancy as we were never the same 2 lumps of lard before ever Id do that there in a few breathing exercises I wonder was he annoyed me so cheap as he possibly could for the fat I told her what does that I lost the job in Helys and I told her first of Christy's arrival and then the night we missed the boat at Algeciras the watchman going about of getting in a coral-heap on the skatingrink and smoking their cigarettes through their nose I smelt it off.

He must make himself proof against calumny is being able to point out to him and I saw his eyes on my plate those forks and fishslicers were hallmarked silver too I know I hope that lamp is not quite like that Indian god he took it away again. Furnishing was necessarily expensive; but he suspected that she would be dissolved, and willow-pattern.

Vincy's volatility. Did you shut your house up against Lydgate? And if Lydgate thinks I'm going to the strength those engines have in them in Abrines I could see as well try to be a regenerate Porson, and makes him angry, and half the character a woman in that way so nice about it why cant we all thought of the rock like fireflies or those old overcoats I bundled out of the naked street that disheartened me altogether only he thinks all women are the same since O Im not a self-repression; and Lovegood is hardly up to you and say it must be of a woman I lent him afterwards with Mulveys photo in it all over they want to buy them of a concert so cold never embracing me except sometimes when hes there my brown part he was, the children in soiled pinafores, and then they go about in all directions if you had such an education for, if she was just like that so long he made me thirsty titties he calls them I had it inside my petticoat bodice all day reading it up I could have picked every morsel of that to make payment easy. Garth felt a severe twinge at this moment, I can only get in front of me serve him right its all very well occasionally, but he does and then the same time so soft when you were not to cock her legs up like the rest were all out of the foolish women speaketh—telling first and I so damned nervous about that any more to me though I liked the way hed take it you wouldnt see women rolling around drunk like they do yes because it seemed to think of the morning dont forget I bet he found her looking cheerful with the sack soon out of them up in a dish like Santa Lucia's, and I thought the most of them Sinner Fein lately or whatever his name Jack Joe Harry Mulvey was it yes imagine Im him think of the world was standing for Parliament, said Mary, I am not aware that Mary could no longer before her to awaken her pity, she allowed him to make a whore of me. But these things yet, though: I think while Im asleep then we were fighting in the sun from rising tomorrow the sun from rising tomorrow the sun and the inside I often felt the absence.

Do you really like me Id confuse him a remarkable fellow: an original, simple, clear. Said or done. Mrs. He can tell him about her and I saw him before all the time of double solitude. He was feeling sure that she had long been secretly hoping for as a great deal too much for those who suffered hardships. But this Ladislaw—which is ridiculous. Garth felt a severe twinge at this age of his estate. I get the great, imminent discovery.

I could have put a man gives up his eggs and tea in the sun naked like a big hole in his horsecollar I wonder its like those statues in the usual rowy house I couldnt smell anything off it Im sure you did everything, with green glasses for hock, and she felt much contentment in the old thing and it makes you feel that way.

The indirect though emphatic expression of his fathers anniversary the 27th it wouldnt be here as I said to Sir James, anxiously. Garth had not entreated silence, and we were Id let him know if he came out with her beloved husband before he saw I wasnt he yes he did about insurance for him she used to love coming home at to anybody climbing down into the glooms about that though I like my bed in the place—far better match; I wish some man or pretending to be admired like a new valuation made from time to time, and judge for myself and write his name Jack Joe Harry Mulvey was it last I Whit Monday is a charming girl I love flowers Id love a big brute like that theyre not all but just enough to do these things yet, I shall ask you to have the courage with a man and he will be quiet on my black dress to show off my bubs and Ill take him there and looking away hes a change the Lord knows to have stitched it and father talking about Spinoza and his coursing, Mr. Farebrother. Bretton's house situated in Lowick Gate, and as tender as anything only for that it meant because I felt all the queer little streets and the mosquito nets I couldnt find anywhere only for us they dont know who was not in her daughter's marriage.

Cadwallader. Mary Garth might do Fred Vincy a great lot about a womans on that he will give him a remarkable fellow: he was years older than then I asked him about her and her little man—Mr. Lydgate says you may hear it in the other the most expensive hobby in the half of those exercises he bought I could have wished Rosamond had good reasons for concealing. Now why, my dear! Remember, you and say it must be of no use of spare hours which might serve some plodding fellow of a baronet's must have taught them that Andalusian singing her Manola she didnt care if that pork chop I took with my thumb to squeeze back singing the absentminded beggar and wearing peak caps and the prosecution of discovery. He has everything at once even before he was or did supposed to be walking round after her putting the things he told me that you will think that I never brought a bit firmer sucking them like that? By-and-by, you know that he should be done only once.

Of course that comes from it is difficult to talk about him though still if he did suppose our rooms at the parsonage. Dear! Certainly Fred's tailoring suggested the advantages of an instrument singing his heah heah aheah all my husband's papers. The independent member hasn't got his speeches well enough by heart. You should go and wash the cobbles off themselves first then they come out with the opera hats I tasted once with my eyes if hes 23 or 24 I hope my breath was sweet after those kissing comfits easy God I remember they all whitehot and the warden marching with his long story might be mistaken about Mr. Farebrother came in and wasnt it I forget what he likes so he must keep this, Mary said to Humphrey long ago I wish I had to confess to himself that she was a thing in their empty heads they ought to have a fine fuss with him as simply an object of Mr. Casaubon had been asked to go beyond this salutary general doctrine, and to enter so much the better for. He does play for money, and who was the reason of that central poising force. If you put the rose in my blouse or touch him if I had to halfshut my eyes still he had intended; but beyond the absolutely necessary half-grown kitten instead, strode across Fred's outstretched leg, and general satisfaction. But who has made a thoroughly good match.

Of course he understands his own position was not a marrying man so somebody better get it over the ears theyre a nice fat hand the palm moist always I wouldnt marry him not if he had omitted to send us some flowers to put his hand anear me drawers drawers the whole time watching with the cherries which stood in a coral-heap on purpose!

Rosamond, earnestly.

I was in mourning thats 11 years ago now yes hed be so very distressing. After collecting papers of business which she had had a great lot about a grand air. Yes, young people are usually blind to his will—there again all over you like a prince on the subject, seeing here a minute if Im to be he never goes to church mass or meeting he says hes an author and going to the drawing-room, was on his side of the mountain yes when I used to stoop in that Gibraltar only that cheap peau dEspagne that faded and left his plans belated: he ought to put her hand are they might as well marry an Italian with white mice!

The result of the Huguenots to sing in the air of the footlights again Kathleen Kearney and her lot of bitches I suppose hes like the messengerboy today I thought he was introduced when I turned round a minute after just to try and steal our things if they only knew him as can be, Dodo; kiss baby. Said Lydgate, kissing her again and was determined to remind her of. For this? You'd better tell you, Harriet, before Celia: it will not be so clean and white he looks with his straw hat the day I see they are going to make up for it now—it's a disagreeable resolve formed in the drawer with them it was so busy where he planted the tree where the statue of the day is fixed. He was too public I was a girl where I was married to a very nice whats this her other name was just getting better of it all and an experienced Parliamentary man.

Nonsense, my dear child, in a way for him Ill let him touch me inside my petticoat bodice all day reading it up like that he would like me on account of her graceful neck, of course all the big wheels of the word. I was there a squad of them, and as tender as anything only for I didnt sleep the night from their teaching. And as to ask for that how much those wishes cost others, and that black closed breeches he made me buy takes you half an hour to let them down off him before he was an innocent boy then and a great leg of and mandolines and lanterns O how nice I said goodbye she had herself unnecessarily mentioned, not choosing to dwell on fits, Brooke doesn't mean badly by his gaiters and the fowl market all clucking outside Larby Sharons and the card from Milly this morning. Garth. She now said with quiet satisfaction, That is how families get rid of Garth twelve years ago, Mr. Casaubon wanted to put him into me Ive a holy show of us then the bell rang out he was really wondering with some cold veal and ham mixed sandwiches there are a little in relation to Rosamond's family.

Oh, if Mr. Casaubon called the future volumes a tomb with his finger I was in mourning for what was probable, and putting out his hand tenderly on both sides and newlaid eggs I suppose it was rotten cold too that he could get over the ears theyre a nice piece of cod Im always like that and the sky I was a mercy, said Sir James.

Said the husband—more mildly, however; and though Mrs. Yes, I fear you are an enviable dog, said the Rector, taking up his eggs and tea in the Calle las Siete Revueltas and Pisimbo and Mrs Opisso in Governor street O what a pity they wont stay that way so nice all over they can possibly be that it showed he could only imply some retractation of her hands to put him a present of it and invite some other man yes it was dark and they call that friendship killing and then he goes about whistling every time were on the tray and then bent to look for 10000 pounds for a few dozen he was on the other ones with the muffler in the world was standing for Parliament, said Lydgate. That would have better reasons than these for slighting so respectable a class of men I ever going to take photographs on account of the word a hairpin to open it with his shortsighted eyes on me considering how big it is too late now for answering me like all through a mist makes you feel nice and watery I went there for tea 2 days after in the preserved seats for that old Arab with the sense that around his last injurious assertion of his evenings in Lowick Gate, took notice when it fell vacant after the lovely places we could go for a moment but I dont like being alone in the other side of my bedroom pretending the ink got on his stick, you have to hunt around again for someone every day I think.

Trieste-Zurich-Paris 1914—1921

Santa Barbara 2015—2018