#i hope for my own sake that when i go through this which is hopefully sometime this year i have people to help me keep going and who will

[humbleanger]

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[aliceramblez]

Dating The BB League Elite Four + Kieran 💕

Tags: GN! Reader, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Teal Mask & Indigo Disk Spoilers!

A/N: After finally getting dragged into the Pokémon rabbit hole, I honestly couldn't resist in doing one of these for my babies! Scarlet/Violet is my very first Pokémon experience, so hopefully I did these characters justice ^^

Feel free to follow my main @taruchinator & leave a request for future HCs!

Crispin ���

He's such a dork and incredibly quirky but don't you worry, he'll definitely be the one to ask you out first, no matter how many attempts it takes. Not like you'd say no to begin with.

As a partner, he's the kind of guy who would always try to cheer you up and have you in a happy mood, because when you're happy, he's happy! Anything from compliments, to jokes, to just giving you lots of affection.

Which brings us to the fact that he's huge on PDA. And the funny thing is he doesn't even realize he's doing it—he'll lean on you when you're showing him something in your Rotom Phone, rubbing circles on your palm when you're talking about your day, placing his chin on your shoulder while talking to the other club members—this man is all over you.

During your stay at Blueberry Academy, don't you dare spend your precious money on the cafeteria, he's got you covered. He'll ask you and learn about your tastes, creating new recipes and concoctions just for you, hoping to surprise you with something better and nutritious every day!

If you had a long day of training and doing BBQs, Crispin always comes by and makes sure you had a meal. And you better not be lying to him.

“Man, you've been out all day! Did you even have lunch?”

“.... I had a granola bar.”

“HOW ARE YOU STILL STANDING?”

It's safe to say that Koraidon/Miraidon adores him, and even makes you question whether it's you or your Pokémon who's dating him.

After you started going out, Crispin now makes sure to carry sandwiches with him at all times. Mostly for your oversized lizard boy, but also for you in case you need a quick snack to recharge. The legendary Pokémon is quick to thank him with licks and constant slobbering which always leaves the red-head a mess, but he tries to not let it bother him for your sake.

Whenever you guys aren't training, you'll be in your dorm rooms cooking and having laughs with your Pokémon over how clumsy they can be in the kitchen.

Overall, a sweet and supportive goofball who'll make sure you're always smiling and never have an empty stomach!

Amarys 👓

Obviously Amarys isn't the best at conveying her emotions. It doesn't mean she doesn't care, she just has a hard time figuring them out sometimes! Which is why it's incredibly strange to her when she starts having these weird sensations whenever she's around you.

She feels happier, her stomach gets all jumbled when you compliment her, and her minds always finds a way to drift back to you no matter what she's doing.

She ends up asking Carmine about it, who immediately gets all giddy and explains to her that she might have a crush. Amarys is surprised, but not against the idea. It makes sense in retrospect—cue bestie Carmine giving her pointers and ideas to try and confess to you.

Unfortunately it's all a bit too convoluted or cheesy for the Steel-Type user's liking, so she ends up doing it her own way.

One day after club activities are over, she asks if you can stay a bit longer to talk. “After much deliberation, it would seem that I have caught romantic feelings for you. I propose a casual outing so we can discuss these in further detail. Do you agree?”

It doesn't take long for you two to start going out.

Amarys shows affection through small gestures that may not seem like a lot to others, but you know they're huge steps for her. Sharing her food when you're hungry, giving you advice on how to raise your Pokémon properly, helping you study subjects you aren't that good at—the list goes on.

PDA isn't her strong suit at all. Physical affection in general isn't something she's used to, and she's forever grateful that you don't push her to do things out of her comfort zone. She tries though, and will do things like brush her hand against yours or even give you a hug whenever she's feeling bold.

To an outsider you're both an unconventional couple, but manage to make it work with trust and constant communication. Give her some time and she'll warm up to you.

Lacey 🧚‍♀️

A sweet cutie who doesn't really change her attitude towards you even after you start dating, since she's always loved having you around. The two of you also confess at the same time, which leaves you as a pair of giggling messes at the irony of it.

Is your number one cheerleader when it comes to school academics. You may not be an official Blueberry student, but that doesn't mean you should be slacking in your classes! If you don't understand the material, don't you worry, she's already prepared a slideshow presentation going over it point by point. Will also reward you with kisses if you pay attention!

Lacey isn't huge on PDA either since she thinks it's unnecessary, but when it's just the two of you, she will never let go. You have successfully replaced Granbull as her favorite pillow of choice, since whenever you two have time off and she's tired, you'll probably take a snooze under a tree in the Coastal Biome.

When you get to meet her father, she's actually a bit nervous since she's never thought of dating before finishing school, but you try and be brave and reassure her that you'll try your best to give a good impression. He thinks you're alright, but gives you the good old father talk to make sure you won't hurt his little girl.

Will find ways to dot your Legendary lizard ride with gifts and affection since she thinks he's just too darn stinking cute, but don't worry, she still thinks you're the cutest!

Since Lacey's constantly worrying about things getting done around the League Club, it's your duty as her partner to get her to relax from time to time. You'll do your best by offering to share responsibilities and reminding her that breaks are very much needed.

“Sweetie it's nighttime, you can finish in the morning. I'm tired and need cuddleeeess.”

“Just one more page and I'll be done—”

“Please Ms. Lacey! I need your cuteness to have a good night's sleep!”

“F-Fine, I'm coming! Flattering me to get what you want is just not right, ya know?”

Truly an iconic duo.

Drayton 🐉

Let's get one thing straight: this man doesn't confess—heck, he doesn't even ask you out! One day he just has his arms around you and plants a kiss on your cheek claiming that he'll follow your every command, all with a cheeky grin on his face. You're more than welcome to punch him for it and he'll still come crawling back.

Like most things in his life, Drayton takes your relationship slow and steady, not really wanting to push your boundaries (unless he wants to tease you) and having no rush to progress things. He's just a chill guy who wants to claim you before anyone else does.

Don't be mistaken though, this doesn't mean he doesn't care. You'd be surprised how much he looks out for you, almost borderline overprotective in some cases. After everything that happened with Terapagos in Area Zero, he's constantly making sure you have strong Pokémon, supplies, and good company to survive the crazy adventures you get mixed up in.

You guys' ideal date is spending time together in the dorms after school hours, kicking back and relaxing with a movie or just talking about stuff that happened during the day. He's surprisingly a very good listener.

It's from these laid back conversations that he gets ideas for random gifts to get you. Did you need a new pair of gloves cause the old ones ripped? Some are waiting in the club room. You're running low on potions? A box full of them appears on your doorstep. Want to visit your friends in Paldea but can't find the time? Turns out Drayton took over your assignments for the day so you're free to go!

You're also the only person he'll allow himself to be tutored by. Will literally not listen to anyone unless it's you. Which is why you try to make sure the material is easy for him to digest + it's not boring typical schoolwork, but something he'll actually enjoy.

“Okay! Today we're going over math! Let's have a battle in the Polar Biome so you can see how probability applies in critical hits and such.”

“Aww, my honey is catering to my needs? Aren't you the sweetest thing?”

“No kisses until we're done, Drayton.”

“Alright, aye aye boss!”

He's an idiot, but he's your idiot.

Kieran 🍎

This boy has had a crush on you ever since you first met in Kitakami, but never had the courage to say anything since he was so shy. Now however, he doesn't say anything because he feels like he doesn't have the right to.

After everything he's put you through—from accusing you of stealing Ogerpon, to fighting you in an all out battle, to straight up putting you and everyone else in danger just because he wanted a chance at getting a Legendary Pokémon—Kieran doesn't think he deserves to be your friend, let alone your partner.

Carmine is there as his wingwoman though, cheering him on and telling him how much you appreciate him and clearly return his feelings.

And so, mustering as much courage as he can, he asks if you'll trade Pokémon with him. When you agree, he brings out an Applin, which immediately leaves you blushing but also spreads a huge smile on your face. The two of you officially start dating.

Kieran does is absolute best to try and be the boyfriend you deserve, even though it's his first relationship and he has no idea what he's doing half the time. The members of the League Club are surprised at first, but ultimately support you guys all the way!

You spend time together sharing battle strategies and having your Pokémon playing to try and get along. Turns out Ogerpon and Hydrapple become fast friends by the end of a particular play date, much to your delight.

He's not good at PDA, like, at all. He's still that shy and timid kid from Kitakami underneath it all, so he struggles with initiating affection even when it's just the two of you. You're the one who has to start the hugs and kisses, leaving him like a puddle of goo under your grasp.

Nightmares still plague him occasionally, mostly revolving the journey to Area Zero and how it all could've turned out for the worst if by some chance Terapagos decided to attack someone else. Maybe even you. If you're with him when they happen, you'll hold him tight and whisper sweet nothings into his ear until he calms down, or if he calls you to make sure you're okay, you'll stay on the phone with him until he falls asleep again.

“I'm sorry... I'm so sorry...”

“It's okay Kieran. We're both okay, and that's all that matters.”

You two are the power couple that Blueberry Academy never expected, but deep down, you're just a pair of dorks who fawn over each other on a daily basis.

[a-star-that-burns-brightly]

CH2-12 thoughts (spoilers, I guess. You probably shouldn't be in the tag if you haven't finished the episode though.)

So! DRDT is officially back, and wow what a way to begin the rollercoaster we'll be put through the next few weeks. This episode was amazing, and I wanted to discuss my thoughts on it in a more detailed form. This episode gave us a lot of character moments that I want to at least mention, so let's get into it? Before we do though, I want to say that through these posts, I will be updating two things and showing them at the beginning and end First one being the swear statistics! It became a thing after my previous rewatch that every time a character swears, I count it, and I want to continue doing that for the rest of the series if I can so manage it.

^ current swear statistics as of CH2-11

And the second being...drumroll please!

My own personal DRDT CH2-Part 2 bingo card! If something on this list happens in CH2-Part 2, I'll check it off. Hopefully I can get a bingo or two in here, especially since, spoilers, two of the boxes have already been checked. But with all of that preamble out of the way, let's begin shall we? I’m going to cover the character moments we got in separate categories of the well…characters, rather than in order, for the sake of being concise.

Arturo

First and foremost, “Shut your whore mouth” made me scream at the top of my lungs. God I wish that was voiced. But more importantly, the thing about Arturo being very young for a plastic surgeon actually being addressed was not something I expected, especially so early. But I definitely appreciate the nuggets of Arturo backstory. Funny enough, his situation sounds very similar to Min’s in some regard, especially this line

(x) Arturo: I was only able to get this far in such a short amount of time because I specialized in plastic surgery, and nothing else. I neglected everything that wasn't immediately relevant to my goals.

This absolutely plays a factor into his relationship with his little sister. It more than likely was not just him leaving that made her commit suicide, but perhaps also years of neglect. And if she really felt like she couldn't live a life without Arturo in it, it's safe to say that their parents probably weren't the best either. The more I learn about Arturo and his homelife the more worried I am for him and especially his sister.

Veronika

Veronika didn't get much besides being her usual self, but I gave her a category because I wanted to point out two things One, Veronika calling Arturo cute. That just made me smile

And secondly, this line right here

(x) Veronika: Oh, and don't say something as boring as "I want to kill myself." I have no interest in such mundane reasons.

This is so fucked up and awful and gross and I absolutely love her for it. I just know she's going to get worse, I hope she does.

And also the fact that she apparently finds suicide to be inherently boring is very interesting, given the fact that she more than likely has the self-harm secret.

Whit

I know he didn't have much, if any major role in this episode but...listen I missed him. So much. You have actually zero idea how much I missed him and his goofiness... But also I can't believe that was the explanation for the dent in the computer lab that's been bugging me for months. Well played DT-Dev... (though the fact that Whit got away with breaking a rule solely because MonoTV thought it was funny is a bit fishy...it's almost like he's the MASTERMIND-- /hj)

We also in general got a lot of Charles and Whit moments, which I always like to see I don't think there's anything else to cover when it comes to Wh--

(x) David: Ugh! Goddamn it, Whit, does everything you say have to be made into some shitty dumb joke?! You're actually really fucking annoying! Shut the fuck up!!

...Well, when I said I wanted more Whitvid interactions I guess this can serve as a reward. ...guys dont worry this is how we can still wi--

Levi

...I mean, what else is there to say really?

No but actually I'll talk. This is what we've been theorizing for a year, and I actually had it in my predictions that Levi's secret was going to be the one revealed in this episode. But I did not expect it right at the end, nor did I expect it to be so sudden. And I don't think Levi has any reason to lie either, so I think this is his actual secret. Seeing him lose confidence and apologize for his unhelpfulness kind of stung to me, honestly. Levi has been trying to help the group since the very beginning, and that has only amplified since the start of Chapter 2. So seeing him...basically give up was very upsetting He is definitely going to be in the hot seat next week's episode and I am very excited for it, hopefully we get some insight on his past as well and...maybe a levi and nico interaction? please dt-dev? please? :>

Hu

FishyFried, as always, knocked it out of the fucking park with Hu's voice acting, and her monologue towards David was just as amazing...if not a bit terrifying, as it directly parallels with her hidden quote

I want to pay for what I’ve done. But even then, I still want to live.

I think I've said this before, but I adore David and Hu's dynamic and how both of them tackle the themes of change in their own ways, how both of them project onto the people around them to fulfill their own desires due to being stagnant in their own growth as people, it's so much fun, and I can't wait to see how this continues to develop in the later chapters I am sincerely a ch5victim!david + ch5killer!hu believer at the end of the day.

Teruko

Oh Teruko, quite a bit to discuss with you today.

For starters, her genuinely feeling embarrassed and upset upon realizing what she did wrong, apologizing for it, and (how I interpreted it anyway) beginning to realize that working alone and not accepting help from others is starting to bite her in the ass? That was not what I expected. I really did think that Teruko was going to get worse before she got better, but maybe she's improving a lot quicker than I thought (...let's hope she doesn't backslide again though, especially if the culprit is who I think it is) Also.

If I have to live with this knowledge, so the-fuck do you. And then there's her argument with David, which I already made a post about, but I want to add onto it by saying that the performances from Swords and LuucarIi here are absolutely phenomenal. One of my favorite voice acted scenes in the entire series. I have replayed Teruko's "Hah! Based on what?!" probably around 20 times and I will repeat it 20 times more because the delivery gives me actual chills. This fangan has such an amazing voice cast oh my god it's insane.

David

Oh. You are such a broken, broken man, and you are absolutely going to go down the Simon Laurent route. I actually don't have a lot to add when it comes to David's actual motivations for his actions, I think a lot of us theorized that he was trying to kill everyone and himself. But the main thing I want to talk about is the Xander shit because oh my god this man is Down Fucking Horrendous. I mentioned all the way back in this post that David idolizes Xander just as much as Xander idolizes him. What I didn't expect was for him to still be clinging onto the hope Xander gave him and trying to follow in his footsteps, and being borderline possessive over the damn dead man. Xander may have idolized David, but David is obsessed with Xander and what he represents to him. And he is willing to ruin his reputation, reliability, and dignity in pursuit of what he thinks is right. Not to mention, it puts the Tally5 image in a whole new light.

Though I still think these words apply to the very possible revolution that David, Xander, and Mai enacted towards Hope's Peak, a theory that has become even more credible after this episode, I also think these lines portray David's thought process during his actions in CH2-11 and his motivation for doing the things that he does. David calling Xander "the only good person he's ever known" is very, very telling when you consider what he personally thinks makes someone a bad person (lazy, useless, stupid). And that makes me upset. Xander and David's relationship will never not be absolutely fascinating to me. ...alSO DAVID APPARENTLY HAS MEMORIES FROM HOPE'S PEAK??? APPARENTLY??? Like am I reading that right or do I just have bad media literacy. How...How does he??? WHY does he??? Why did he say he didn't know who Xander was in the prologue???? I am very confused and I'm sure it will all be answered. Extra Thoughts !! - we got 7:30 AM confirmation, woohoo!! And the bonus of Arei swinging when she was first found was such a good detail and I’m surprised none of us noticed it, honestly. With that confirmation, that leaves basically everyone else (minus J, David, Veronika, Hu, and Nico) in the hot-seat. - the multitude of new sprites we got were so amazing, especially David's - Apparently everything that happened in the second half of CH2-11 was in the span of two hours?! Sheesh, the editing crew on the TV show must be working overtime. Hopefully they get a paycheck and its not just MonoTV who gets paid. - If I had any doubt in my brain that Eden was the culprit it has basically dissipated with this episode. I really do not know who else it could be other than her. three of the five main suspects other than her have basically been cleared up, either through alibi (J and Hu) or though plot (Levi) David and Nico are also cleared from suspicion Though there isn't really any plot or evidence reason to necessarily exclude Rose, given her moment in CH2-8 and, let's be honest, this murder being way too physically complicated for someone as lethargic as her to commit, I'm inclined to believe she is not And every other character has something that's clearly being set up to be further explored in Chapter 3 (Charles, Whit, Ace, Arturo, and Veronika) Like... even if you don't think Eden is the culprit, you can't deny that she's the odd one out here. I still think Accomplice!Levi is true, but I also truthfully think the culprit can't be anyone other than Eden - If I were to give one I-guess critique though, not just on this episode but on the trial as a whole, it's that we are four trial episodes in and there has been very, very little focus on the actual murder mystery itself. We have barely even covered 80% of the evidence. This isn't like, a huge problem for me specifically because I very much watch DRDT for the astounding character writing over the murder mysteries, and I definitely think that the lack of focus on the case is worth the amazing character moments we got in this episode. But I can see it really bothering some people, and there's a part of me that can't help but be a bit afraid that the actual solving of the murder case is going to hit the audience with a bunch of information at once and come across as a bit rushed due to the lack of focus it's had so far. I trust that DT-Dev is cooking though, and it'll probably be a lot more cohesive once we have the full trial to look through.

Predictions for CH2-13 - Like I said before, Levi is going to become the main suspect easily thanks to his secret reveal. I know Ace is going to be on his ass especially, because in his mind it would basically confirm the image he has already conjured up of Levi in his mind as a violent brute who is going to snap his neck any second. J is also going to jump to conclusions because that's just what she does, and she was already concerned about the murderer secret to begin with. - Furthermore, I think most of this episode is going to entail Teruko trying to disprove that Levi could've been the culprit. Considering the fact that there, well, isn't much evidence to suggest he didn't, maybe this episode will feature this chapter's Random Guess minigame. - I highly doubt we're getting an AM VS PM scrum debate now, but maybe we'll get one on whether or not Levi is the culprit? Maybe? - On the topic of trial minigames, I hope we get another nonstop debate, it's been like three episodes since we've had one lmao - Nico is either going to defend Levi, or reiterate the speech that J gave them in CH2-9. Either way, I hope this reveal causes them to interact it would be so interesting - We are on a track-record of having at least one person's secret exposed every trial episode. Considering the fact that Xander and Min are dead, and I do not think Teruko's secret will come out until the end of the chapter, that really only leaves Hu and Veronika...which is interesting, as they are both in the clear for being the culprit. Hu has already had multiple moments to shine in this trial, so I think its more likely that Veronika's secret will be the one getting revealed. How that happens, I am unsure. But I think Veronika will be the next person to have her secret revealed.

Conclusion Overall, I think this episode was amazing and a great way to kick off the end of the hiatus. I can already tell that these next few weeks are going to be a wild ride for us DRDT fans, but we're all in this together, so I think everything's going to be fine (nothing is going to be fine.)

UPDATED SWEAR STATISTICS: CH2-12

UPDATED BINGO CARD

[genericpuff]

Hi! So this is coming from a place of genuine concern, LR Persephone isn't going to have DID right? I know you probably can't reveal much but DID is already a very stigmatized disorder so I'm always worried when I see the Signs, I hope you understand lol

I understand fully your concerns, and I hope I can reassure you in my own intentions regarding Kore / Persephone that the goal is not to demonize or stigmatize DID in any way. I actually do regularly interact with a family member who's currently seeking an official diagnosis for it, and have my own firsthand experiences with my own mental health and symptoms of childhood trauma that are intersectional with that of DID. Of course, that doesn't mean that I'm immune to stigmatizing, but rest assured that I am aware of the stigmas surrounding DID and the misconceptions that a lot of people have about it, no thanks to how it's been portrayed in mainstream media.

If I can add some additional and necessary context as to why I chose to write Kore like this, much of how I'm writing her is based on how she was initially presented to us in S1 of LO, particularly through the personification of her wrath:

I really liked this concept and was subsequently disappointed when it seemed to get left behind (though considering how LO turned out, maybe that was for the better lmao) I've always enjoyed these "inner conflict" character dynamics, but I also understand from years of writing characters like this that much of these types of tropes are often intersectional with common misconceptions and stigmas surrounding personality disorders and mental illness.

Within the context of Rekindled, Kore does not specifically have DID but her experiences are clearly intersectional with it. Ultimately my goal is to empathize, not demonize. As much as "Persephone" may be currently presenting herself as a sort of snarky "alter ego" of Kore, she is not evil, no more "evil" than Kore herself, because they're ultimately of the same mind and body, flaws and all. Persephone is often speaking truths that Kore is simply not willing to admit or able to face, the worst of which we've yet to uncover, but will be necessary to overcome. There will certainly be times when Kore's actions - spurred on by the voice of Persephone in her ear - may be ugly or wrong, but I hope in the end that I'll achieve my goal in expressing that everyone - even immortal gods - can always have another chance to heal, to forgive themselves for their past, and to do right by themselves for the sake of a brighter future. This will apply to other gods in the story as well, many of whom also share Kore's struggles and experiences.

And, assuming I do my part and deliver on my promises, there will be closure for Kore/Persephone, the readers who relate to their struggles and experiences, and many of the other characters who were hung out to dry in the original comic. That's definitely one of my biggest goals with this retelling, at least! (•̀ᴗ��́)و It's definitely one of my riskier moves as the nature of the subject is very sensitive, but I'm giving it my all in the hopes that it pays off in a more nuanced and in-depth character arc for Kore/Persephone than what we got in LO that can hopefully be embraced as a message of acceptance and self-love. And y'all can hold me to that (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و✧

[skemford]

So far Arcane S2 is looking cool. Almost all characters are complex and it's impossible to look at them through "good vs bad" lenses.

There are certain takes from fandom/community that i don't agree with... but alas, i don't consider my opinions to be 100% correct either.

More thoughts about some characters (Cait, Vi, Isha, Sevika) in Arc 1 under the cut (beware of spoilers):

- Cait loosing herself while going through the grief is written in a realistic way. She's a privileged girl who never experienced major losses, lost an important person (a mother) and she's supposed to keep a facade of a stoic leader for the sake of her community. I felt truly uncomfortable when she decided to use the ventilation system to poison the air of Zaun & her degrading rhetoric (both toward citizens of Zaun and to Vi) was terrible. Her perspective can be understood but it cannot be redeemed with a couple of empty words. I'm curious to see where her dictatorship arc will lead her and how it ends. Honestly a lot of people underplay police brutality that was shown through her.

- Vi taking the role of enforcer was shocking to me considering everything that happened to her in the past. Gassing up her own people while wearing the uniform of her oppressor felt OOC but i can understand that she's motivated by endless grief and her fear of loosing Cait too. At least she did acknowledged that some things are wrong once she's face to face with a child protecting Jinx. Her role was more passive than in S1 so hopefully she'll shine in arc 2 and 3.

- Isha (little girl that follows Jinx) is a plot device that may die sooner or later. I'm not sure what i feel about her but i cannot hate her either, she did nothing wrong. I don't understand those who are mad about the scene where this child is protecting Jinx; Jinx unwillingly saved her life and was a bit soft while Isha saw only brutality from Vi & Cait. This is a matter of perspective, really. Outside of this, i think that some people are forgetting that she's younger than Powder was in S1.

Did she gave Jinx a couple of sympathetic points? Maybe. But Jinx herself was a bit calmer than in S1. A moment before meeting Isha she's walking around the city and reflects on what Silco's death led to.

- Sevika didn't switched her opinion on Jinx "abruptly". She was loyal to Silco and his absence made her acknowledge how much work she was forced to do for him. In her perspective Jinx was a brat who had it easier and created mess that Sevika was supposed to clean... turns out, it wasn't like this. Her "grief talk" with Jinx about Silco shows that Jinx was under the pressure too. Sevika's loyalty lies with her beliefs about what's the best for Zaun and its people and Jinx may be the hope that they'll need (which was shown in Arc 2 teaser). You can argue that she was brutal in S1 but she's not "a villain". Wanting to fight for your freedom from Topsiders is way more complicated.

On less serious note:

- Caitvi hugs and kiss were sweet. Let's hope that it'll happen again. If it's possible after everything :)

- My favourite fight is Sevika vs Smeech. I loved visuals, music and seeing Sevika getting her own screentime.

- Vi vs Jinx fight was on entirely another level in terms of animation, I'm excited to see what's in store for unreleased episodes.

[amalgamateofficial]

A Quick(?) Update

Hey, everyone. I never know what to say, and then because of that, day after day passes in silence. I guess I just want to say that yes, I’m still working on chapter 21 of Amalgamate, and also that I’m sorry for the absolutely ridiculous amount of time that’s passed between chapters. I know I’ve been “absent” a lot online, too. Rarely commenting on fics, taking days to respond to DMs, hardly livestreaming…

I’m sure it’s a no-brainer that the kind of person who writes a story like Amalgamate isn’t exactly a “well” person. Those who follow me on social media for my cosplay and art content see such a small, curated snapshot of reality. The smile doesn’t exist until I hit record, and it ends when the video stops. So every day, my followers see videos of me at my “best,” but I film as much as possible on a single day because the next “good” day could be weeks away. Sometimes I worry that the next good day isn’t going to come at all.

The most frustrating thing about it is that I’m well aware of the cycle. Every year, starting in August, the darkness starts to creep in. By September, it takes hold. By the end of October, it’s inescapable. November passes, then December. Last year, December almost ended in the worst way possible, but as cheesy as it sounds, Amalgamate convinced me to turn it around. I thought, “What kind of example am I setting here? How can I let people down like this?” 

So this year, I tried to prepare for the inevitable… and failed. I thought if I could post chapter 21 before the end of August, I could just curl up alone and wait for 2024 to be over. But then everything went to hell and I missed my goal, and when the darkness started to creep in at the edges, I tried to make another goal, and then another, but every single time, I was dragged right back down.

Then a mini cycle started to form within the larger cycle. Every day that goes by in which I don’t post chapter 21, I think the chapter needs to be even better to make up for how long I’ve kept everyone waiting. Then the pressure overwhelms me, and the terrible thoughts creep in, and then the guilt sets in, and then I’m curled up in the corner again with nothing accomplished. DMs are left to fester. Fics I want to read collect dust. I drift away, and I let everyone else drift away, and I sit and stare and wish things could be different. 

I suppose it’s not all doom and gloom though. I tried really hard to work on myself this past month, and I was actually successful in a few ways. I tried to clean myself up, and in some ways, I did a lot better than expected. I’m hoping that means I can turn things around again. I want to finish chapter 21, catch up on all the fics I want to read, start drawing regularly, and be an active participant online instead of just tossing out content in a desperate attempt to keep up appearances.

But it’s such an uphill battle. I feel worse now than I did last year, so I’m trying really hard to cling to that self-awareness and prevent things from going the way they did in 2023. But I know that’s not realistic. Everything in life is worse than before, and I see no evidence that it will improve anytime soon. So that means it’s on me to simply power through it and do the best I can.

So, for the sake of my own sanity, chapter 21 will get finished as soon as possible. I don’t know how much longer I can survive with this awful feeling, and that feeling will go away once the next chapter’s posted. In the meantime, I’ll try not to miss the mark with all my other goals. No matter what, I’m going to finish my Halloween cosplay special for 2024. Last year, I had some funds to help me. This year I don’t because I dropped out of most of my conventions, made a lot less art, and overall just kinda gave up on everything. 

But it’s not too late. I’ll dive into as many dumpsters as I have to in order to make a Halloween cosplay that will hopefully be as good as Mangle. This year, I’m gonna be cosplaying Spamton NEO – which is probably cheating since I’m already a failed content creator past their prime who has no choice but to wear clown makeup and wave their arms at anyone who happens to scroll by.

I never know what to say, so I guess all I can really say is that I’m trying my absolute best. I know my best is often really disappointing, but it really is the best I can manage sometimes. Even when I’m distant, just know that it doesn’t mean I love you all less, or appreciate you all less, or feel any less gratitude. It just means I’m in the dark, and I’m trying to crawl my way back. Which is very tiring. And overwhelming. But I never stop trying. In part because you all mean so much to me. Last year would’ve ended differently if that wasn’t the case.

Anyway, I don’t know what else to say other than thank you all for your continued support. I’ll try to make it all up to you and then some. Maybe this year I can end things on a high note for once. I’ll certainly give it my best shot.

Uuuh… I guess if you do want to see me at my best, though, you can always follow me on TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube. That’s the best version of me in between Amalgamate chapters, and I recently shared a ton of Danganronpa cosplay videos because of Dragon Con. I have a Patreon now too, and even though it’s a ghost town, I’m still posting as much content there as possible. I’ll keep dancing until the stage lights are forcibly shut down. I think that's the best way to guarantee that I can turn this ship around.

[cerridwen007]

Put him in his Place.

        

Pairing: Javier Peña x f!reader

Word count: 3k (18+)

Summary: Javier comes home from a particularly hard day at work and instead of being able to help him relax and take his mind off work like you usually can, he snaps at you causing you to put him in his place.

Notes/warnings: SMUT,established relationship,oral (female and male receiving), fingering, unprotected p in v, slapping, rough sex, switch reader, switch Javier, powerplay, dirty talk, Javi being a cocky little brat.

A/N: This is the very first smut I've finished and am posting to Tumblr, so please let me know what you think/ what I can improve on. I'm pretty shit at editing but I looked over it a few times so hopefully it's okay/easy to read. Also when I was writing the start I kept thinking the song Sunny by Bobby Hebb would work really well with it for some reason. Like I was picturing it like a scene in a movie,(spoiler) Javi and reader just aggressively making out to that happy song haha, which I honestly don’t know if it's been done before. So if you wanted to maybe play that song just as you are about to start reading and see if it fits. Sorry for the long author's notes. Hope you enjoy it!

Javier and you have been rocky ever since Pablo Escobar got put in prison, a jail of his own design that was basically the opposite of a jail. Yes, Javier has been stressed since you met about work but now more than ever his stress has been through the roof.

Usually you were able to calm him down with a drink and some "relief" and he would be fairly relaxed till something else at work came up. You understood it was a stressful job and a stressful case. You just hoped it would be over soon because seeing Javier stressed all the time killed you a little inside. Although you didn't mind one bit helping him relax in more ways than one. Tonight was a bit different though.

Javier opened the door hard, making a loud bang, he slammed his fist against the door shutting it. "Fucken hell!" You cringed a little at the loud noises before walking over to greet him in the most soothing voice you could. "Hi Javi, baby, how was your day?" It didn't work. Instead of responding "not the best but atleast I'm here with you now" like he usually did before giving you a big long kiss, he angrily walks past you.

"I need a drink"

Before you can go to pour him one he grabs himself a full glass of whiskey and knocks it back in one go. He then starts pouring himself a second glass. You chime in trying to calm the lion. "Honey I made your favourite tonight! And after dinner maybe I could run you a nice hot bath, and then maybe I'll let you have a little show of my new lingerie set!"

Instead of scooping you up and taking you to the bedroom with a sly smirk on his face like you expected him to do he scoffs and shoots down his second drink of the night. He gets up and walks over to the door not even making eye contact with you.

"I'm going out, don't wait up."

You grab his wrist gently, "Hey I don't know what happened at work today, we can talk about it if you want but we don't have to but I don't think it's a good idea to drink your troubles away.

"God, nothing happened at work okay, stop mothering me and leave me like the rest do okay!"

His words hurt a little and they hurt hearing knowing he is hurting and that for some reason he doesn't want to confide in you about it or let you help him. But still you brushed them aside knowing that Javier struggled to open up sometimes.

"Okay I understand your upset Javi but please don't take this out on me okay I'm just trying to help you cause I care about you."

He pulls his wrist away from you  and looks into your eyes with an anger you haven't ever seen in your shared home, a look that is only used when dealing with the most terrible criminals in Bogota.

"I’m not fucken taking anything out on you okay bitch, you're just being a clingy whiny child that won't leave me alone, for God's sake I need my space."

Something overcomes you, you are not ever an aggressive person even in the bedroom, and you knew that it was not the normal Javier speaking, no disrespecting, you like that and that he must have had a hell of shitstorm day at work but still, you needed to put him in his place.

You raise your hand and slap him fairly hard across his cheek. You immediately feel bad and go to apologise. " i...i...sorry I didn-"

"Do it again"

"What?"

"Slap me again, harder this time"

" if this is trap I don't want-"

"It's nothing like that, don't get me wrong I love how much you care despite what I said but this what I saw in your eyes as you slapped me, that passion, made me wanna ravage you all night."

Each word he speaks you see the desire grow in his eyes and the wetter you get.

"Stop talking."

You slap a little lower and harder on his jawline leaving a red mark that stings his smirking face. You both lunge at each other holding each other's face in your hands, lips pressed firmly against one another's, tongues slip in and out of eachothers mouth dancing around, encased in wetness.

Javier pushes you against the wall hard, smashing the glass of the picture frame behind you. You moan out in pain and pleasure. You push off the wall walking Javier backwards and your hands start roaming to each other's bodies each trying to get each other's clothes off as fast as possible. Your lips only break to catch your breaths and to get a better look at the buttons.

You push him up against the wall this time keeping you body close to his. He groans a little in pleasure as you do. He pushes off the wall and the shirts come off. In one quick movement he undoes your bra and hoists you up so your legs wrap around his hips. Throwing you against the wall harder times you both moan, you can feel his hard cock pushing against your waist.

He kisses down your jawline, down your neck to your breasts where he fondles them in his hands and sucks on the left nipple, the stimulation of one of your most sensitive areas causes you to moan loudly. You brace yourself with one hand on the wall palm flat. The other hand on the nape of Javi's neck moving up to his soft dark short hair.

He switches nipples, you grind against his cock hinting you want more as the desire builds up in you more and more. He takes the hint and pulls you off the wall putting his lips back against yours, hot and wet. His hands go down you back to your ass where they hold on for dear life. He backs into the bedroom. Your hand that was on the wall now holds his jaw. He turns around and throws you both down on the bed, him on top of you.

He strips your pants off you quickly before doing the same to himself. The heat between your legs rises seeing his toned tan arms flex as they literally rip your panties off you, pulling the shreds down your legs out of the way. He looks like a wild animal about to sink its teeth into prey, eyes alive with anger, hunger and lust. But you're not backing off in fear.

You pull him close to your body and roll so you're on top of him, and grab his member in his boxers firmly, he raises his hips and head up, his brows crease together overcome with pleasure with a tinge of pain. You grab the top of his head, his soft warm brown hair gripped between your white knuckles. Pulling a little you put him in his place.

"You won't do any of that till I tell you to.” you harshly whisper into his face, releasing his cock from your firm grip.

He stares in your eyes not breaking contact, his lips slightly turning into a smirk while his eyes are still very much alive with passion and hate.

"Oh yeah?" He growls

He flips you over so he is on top now. He grabs your wrists with one of his hands and raises it above your head. This is a play for power now. Javier liked your fire and control just as much as he likes having his own. So he wants to test to see how far you will go before you give into him.

"You're going to regret that" you say with a firm tone.

"Make me" he smirks

You lift your head to kiss him. He goes in for the kiss. You swerve and sink your teeth semi lightly into the crevice between his neck and shoulder, leaving a mark that will last a while. Javi pulls away and groans in pain, but is turned on more than ever. While he's distracted you pull your wrists apart from his hold and flip so you're on top again, straddling him.

"You're being a very bad boy," you hiss.

"Can't help it" he smiles, grinning.

You push firmly down on his chest and go to kiss the mark you gave him seconds before. You leave a trail of kisses and bites into his skins down his chest and stomach. He groans with every contact, each making his cock pulse in need of release. You make it to his boxes and pull them down slowly. You lick your lips and purse them around the tip of his dick. He whimpers quietly.

"I haven't even started yet baby and you're already whimpering, can't wait for you to start screaming my name."

You say smirking before putting your lips back on his throbbing dick, pushing the tip past your lips and adding a hand to his thick cock.

You start slow but quickly build momentum and his dick becomes slick with your spit and his precum. He fights the urge to buck his hips up and instead grips the sheets with one of his veiny hands and pushes some of your hair behind your ear with the other.

"F...fuck sweetheart.... you're too good at that!"

You smirk around his cock, your teeth lightly graze him for a second causing him to groan loudly. You fasten your strokes as he moans in total pleasure. You smirk to yourself knowing you almost got it out of him. 

Moaning your name turns into incomprehensible whimpers as you bring him to his high, but you're not finished till you milk out every last drop with your hands firm around him, licking everything he has to offer.

Both of you breathless, you go up to his face and passionately kiss, exchanging the taste of him and his pleasure to his own tongue. He goes to sit you up and switch positions before kneeling in front of you so he can offer you some release now.

"Oh... no baby you don't have to do that... tonight's all about making you feel goo-"

"Please... let me... please let me make you feel as good as you just made me feel... let me taste your sweetness."

He was begging you to let him stuff his face between your thighs. God it made you feel powerful, to have a man like Javier on knees before you, you couldn't say no to that. Not to mention that everytime he ate you out, (which with Javier was often because he couldn't get enough of you) he left your legs trembling for the rest of the night from his fucken godly tongue.

"Okay baby, you've begged enough." You tease.

Before you can say another word his face dives between your warmth, head first into your wet folds. He licks a tender strip up your pussy before teasing your pulsating clit with the tip of his tongue. You throw your head back and uncontrollably moan out.

“Fuck!”

He wraps his hands around your thighs and pulls your centre closer to him. He slips a thick finger into you slowly causing you to arch your back into his touch.

"Javi" you breathily moan, totally succumbing to the divine pleasure that this man was devoted to giving you just with his mouth and hands. The pathetic whines you make as he slips a second finger into your hole, pumping them in and out of your pussy make his cock twitch. But he pushes down the need to be buried deep inside you till he fully repays the pleasure you gave him.

Knowing how close you are by the more strangled and loud moans coming from your pretty little mouth, he fucks you harder and deeper with his fingers and further stimulates your throbbing clit with his tongue, very gently biting down occasionally, blending the lines of pain and pleasure.

"Cum for me cariño, give me all your sweet essence to drink.  He breathes against your wet centre.

Those words push you over the edge. A series of loud breathy moans escape your mouth, your legs trembling, threatening to crush Javi's head, but he doesn't care or notice. He is too busy working you through your high, licking up every sweet drop of your liquid pleasure he can get from you.

He eventually comes up and crawls up to you cradle your reddened face between his hands, passionately kissing your plump lips.The taste of both of your pleasures are exchanged, dancing around each other tongues. You break away, both of you still out of breath from the previous activities. He lies down on his back next to you.

Your mind flashes back to the start of the night, the events that ultimately led you here. You feel the heat rise in your cheeks once again as the anger you felt overcomes you once again. You think Javi still needs to be taught a lesson, and just thinking about putting him in his place makes your pussy ache in need for his cock to fill the emptiness his fingers left moments ago filled.

Noticing a shift in the air, Javi asks you what you're thinking about.

"Oh just how I still think you need to be put in your place Peña." You growl.

He smirks, loving every second of this new power dynamic he gets. "Oh you gonna teach me a lesson baby" he teases waiting for a reaction out of you.

"Oh you fucken bet, smartass" you snap back. Quickly you move on top of him again and slap his face. 

“Your a very lucky man Javi, to be blessed with such a patient partner who is used to dealing your shitty attitude, offering every ounce of love and care she has to you every time you have a bad day at work, sucking your dick so hard you forget all you problems for the night.”

“Oh yeah I sure am lucky-”

You push your thumb to his lips while holding his chin in the rest of your fingers, shushing him. 

“I wasn't finished talking!” you snap.

“Someone better teach you a lesson about manners before someone permanently shuts that dirty little mouth of yours.”

Javi gulps, his cock straining against your warm weight above needing more and more to release his show of affection in your tight wet cunt.

You tip his chin up, pulling your thumb down his lips slowly. You push your face close to his, mouths almost touching. 

“What, cat got your tongue?” you whisper seductively in his mouth, licking your lips. Your hot breath causes his cock to pulsate even more and goosebumps to emerge over his neck. He swallows hard, a quiet moan escaping his throat.

“Good boy, you finally learnt that it's best to shut up then let your sly tongue ruin the fun for you.” you joke.

You once again firmly grab his throbbing boner and stroke it a few times before guiding it to your entrance, you slowly sit down on it, letting your cunt adjust to his wide length. Breathy moans fall out of both of your mouths. Once you reach the base, you let half of his cock fall out before taking it all again. You fasten your pace, arching your back as the angle his cock hits every time causes your breath to hitch in your throat, making strangled moans. 

He becomes a whimpering mess below you, both from the pleasure you were bestowing upon him and because of his overwhelming need to turn you over and fuck the shit out of you himself, fueled by the need to appease and pleasure the one good thing in his life.

“Please let me fuck you baby make you feel way better than you can make yourself feel bouncing on my dick.”

You stare at him, at first annoyed but then smile knowing that nobody can make you feel as good as he can, even yourself. You felt you had teased him enough tonight not letting him take full control like he usually did. You smirk nodding and give a playful slap on his chest.

“Okay but you better fuck the shit out me pretty boy, make my cunt ache for days after this.”

“Oh mi amor, you won’t be able to even walk for days after this.” he said with a smirk twisting into a devilish smile.

He swiftly sits up to embrace you tightly, his pace quickly surpassing that off your own. The new angle hitting you somehow even deeper than before, causing your eyes to roll back into your head. You now are the one who whimpers pathetically, love-drunk on every mind numbing thrust Javi provides you. Chills run throughout your body as Javi brings you closer and closer to your orgasm. In between his deep grunts and breathes he whispers dirty, dirty words into your ear. 

“Yeah that’s right… nobody can make you feel as good..as…I can cariño.”

“I love your tight little cunt….and those little desperate sounds you make… when I fuck the shit out it.”

“God you look so fucken pretty…. when you're about cum on my cock… wanna stay like this… with you forever.”

The both of you are so close, to help you finish he squeezes to tighter, closer to him, kneading one of your breasts with one hand and circling you clit with the other, using his hands as the anchors to enter your pussy as hard and fast as he can. Your hand reaches up to behind his head as you both simultaneously reach your high.

“Ahhhh…. fuck…. Javi…. you feel so good!”

You turn your head and look at him, he leans forward and kisses your forehead, panting hard as he rides out his high. He carefully slips out his softening dick out of your aching, sensitive pussy. You both fall into the bed holding each close as you catch your breaths yet again. 

“Fuck I think i’m going to need you come home from work angry more often.” you laugh out of breath.

He laughs against the back of your neck. “Yeah also feel free to slap me whenever you want cause fuck… that was hot.”

You both laugh, nodding. This night turned out better than expected, and you wish to be nowhere else except here entwined closely with the love of your life, hot,sticky and tired after you extraneous activities, slowly drifting to sleep with nothing but the sounds of busy Bogotá and Javi’s deep breaths caressing your neck.

[theshelbyclan]

A Sisterly Bond

Summary: Ada and Teddy don’t have much in common, but that doesn’t mean that they couldn’t make a good team

A/N: I just felt like writing again, and for Ada and Teddy in particular. I always imagine them getting on better and better as Teddy gets older. She’s still young in this one, so it’s a rocky relationship still 😂 anyways, hope you enjoy to whoever still is reading my stuff!

Words: 2630

*****

“Teddy, would you be so kind as to give me my coat?”

“No.”

“For fuck’s sake,” Ada sighed, “why do you always have to be difficult?”

“Am not,” Teddy grumbled.” I just don’t see why I have to be your lady’s maid, just because you’re my sister.”

“Ooh, there’s a big word!” the older sister replied sarcastically.

“Tommy says all fancy rich ladies have a lady’s maid.”

“ ‘Tommy says’…” Ada rolled her eyes and Teddy stuck out her tongue at her.

In many ways, Ada and Teddy were nothing alike. There was the age gap, of course, but they also just seemed to have very little in common. Ada didn’t care much for family business, while Teddy wanted to know everything about everything. Ada tried her best to live her own life without her brothers interfering at every turn, whereas Teddy wanted to be like her brothers in every way. Ada made an effort to never care too much, unlike Teddy, who cared so much and didn’t have a problem showing it. Also, Ada wanted to go out in her fancy coat and high heels, and Teddy wanted to run free in her brother’s trousers and shirt.

Polly watched the two sisters and followed Teddy with her eyes as she stormed out the door in a huff. She then turned to Ada and said, “Would it kill you to just say a kind word to her every now and then?”

Ada had her nose back in the papers and shrugged, “I don’t know, Pol. Would it kill her to practise some good manners?”

“You know what she’s like.”

“Oh, I do,” she sighed, “I remember when she was born and you told me how nice it would be for me to have another girl in the family. Instead we got… Teddy.”

———

Nine-year-old Teddy Shelby was walking through the muddy streets and pretended she was a pirate. With a stick in hand, she fought off the assailants only she could see and shouted out battle cries. But in the chaos of Small Heath, no one really noticed her. And if they did, they simply thought: there goes Teddy Shelby…

Her playing was suddenly interrupted though by her youngest brother. “Aunt Polly says she wants you to go with Ada!” Finn shouted out, as he ran towards her.

“Why?” she sighed, exasperated.

“I don’t know. She needs help carrying things from the market?”

Teddy kicked a rock, “Can’t you do it?”

Finn shrugged again, “It’s a woman’s job, isn’t it.”

“Oh fuck off!” As Finn pouted a little, she added, “Please can you go? Ada doesn’t even like me…”

If there was one thing Finn couldn’t stand, it was seeing his little sister upset, so he agreed. “You know, Arthur is always with John. Ada likes me, but you’re Tommy’s favourite.”

“I know.”

“So it’s not that bad, right?” Finn tried hopefully.

“I suppose not.” But Teddy couldn’t help but feel a little sadness over it.

———

“Aunt Pol says I’m to get you ready for church.”

“I am ready,” Teddy motioned to her dress, which she hated so intensely.

Ada sighed, “What have you done to your knees now? They look like you’ve become the chimney sweep’s latest apprentice.”

“Why do you always have to badger me?” Teddy called out, full of frustration.

“Just… clean your knees before Polly sees,” she waved a hand and put on a hat.

Teddy started scrubbing furiously at her legs. Ada watched her and decided that maybe she should make an effort. So she asked, “What do you think of this hat? Does is suit me?”

“I don’t know,” the little girl shrugged, “it stays on so I’m guessing it fits your head?”

“Bloody hell, I don’t know why I even bother. Let’s go.”

———

In the late afternoon sun, Tommy was talking to a man about a horse. Next to him, a small girl was following the conversation intensely, trying to learn as much from the interaction as she could.

“I’ll give you four for her, but no more.”

“Can’t do less than six, mister Shelby,” the man slapped her brother’s hand, “She’s a good horse, that one. Strong.”

“She’s no war horse and I could have fucking five of her for that price. Four and a half.”

“I have a family to feed, sir. Five?”

Tommy shook his hand and that was that.

After he’d left, Teddy looked up and, like she’d been in the business for twenty years, said, “She’s worth at least ten, Tommy.”

“Is she?” he took a drag on his cigarette, but inside felt like he could burst with pride. Then he lifted Teddy up and planted her up onto the horse, “Go on, tell me what she’s like.”

As Teddy rode around the yard, Ada joined her brother. With her usual air of indifference, she commented, “Well, if it isn’t the big brother and his pride and joy.”

“Hello, Ada…”

“Did she persuade you into spending more money once again?”

“Look at her,” Tommy pointed, “She might be the best rider in all of Small Heath.”

Ada raised her eyebrows and mumbled, “High praise…” In truth, Ada was impressed. She’d always been the odd one out in the family when it came to horses. She never much cared for them and riding them had always been more of a chore than a pleasure.

“Why don’t you tell her how good she looks up on that horse, eh?”

“Me? Why the hell would I tell her?”

Tommy locked eyes with Ada, “Because it’s you she wants to hear it from.”

She laughed a little at that, “No, Tommy, it’s you she wants to hear it from. Everything she wants to hear from you.”

As Ada walked off again, Tommy called after her, “She is your only sister, Ada.”

“And what a joy she is,” but it didn’t come out that sarcastic this time.

After a few more minutes or riding, Teddy hopped down from the horse again. Her brother asked her some questions about the horse and she answered to the best of her abilities. But in between, Teddy carefully asked, “Was that Ada?”

“Yes, just on her way home from the Bullring.”

“Did she watch me ride?” Teddy asked in a small voice.

Tommy observed her for a second, “Now, why do you ask that?”

She shrugged her shoulders and turned away to brush off the horse, “Just curious.”

———

Polly was a modern woman in many ways, but not in every way. She might’ve even been insulted if you called her that. So, when it was time for the spring cleaning of the house, she asked the girls to help. Well, she didn’t really ask.

“Ada, you start on sweeping and Teddy you can follow her with the bucket.”

Both girls rolled their eyes so hard it had to hurt and Polly couldn’t help but notice how in those few seconds, they looked exactly alike.

“I’ll be in the back with the washing,” their aunt continued, leaving no room for arguments.

Cigarette in hand, Ada started sweeping the floors at her own leisurely pace.

“Hurry up, will you?” Teddy grumbled, “I have to wait on you to mop and I do have other things to do, you know.”

“Oh? And what important appointments might you have, you strange little idiot?”

“Don’t call me an idiot!” Teddy stomped down het foot, “and hurry the fuck up!”

“Swear again and I’ll give you a slap!”

“Go on then!”

Ada huffed and swung her broom, aiming for her annoying sister. Teddy ducked and laughed, “You’re too slow.”

“Teddy…” she sighed, “I don’t want to do this either and I don’t have the energy to fight you as well. Just shut up and get this done.”

“Fine. Go on then, work, unless you’re afraid you’ll break a fucking nail or something.”

That earned Teddy a firm smack around the head. Angrily, she picked up her bucket and threw its contents in Ada’s direction, instantly soaking her sister.

“WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE?!”

Aunt Polly came barging in the house after hearing Ada scream. Inside, she found a furious Teddy with one red cheek and an even more furious Ada, completely wet and dripping.

“I left you two alone for five fucking minutes,” she glared daggers, “and you can’t even behave for that long?”

Ada seemed to have found her composure again and grabbed another, dry, cigarette. “That’s what happens when you leave me with an actual fucking savage, Pol.”

“It’s not my fault! She started it!” Teddy fumed, “She called me an idiot and she does that all the time because she hates me!”

“Jesus Christ,” Polly lit a cigarette of her own, “Ada, go get changed and then you can continue the work outside. Teddy, you take over the sweeping. Probably my own fucking fault for thinking you could get along for half a day…”

With all the dignity she could muster in a soaked dress, Ada stalked off. Teddy picked up the broom and tried to avoid Polly’s eyes.

“I’ll have a word with her,” Polly said eventually, not without sympathy.

“Which is more than I’ll ever fucking have again,” Teddy spit.

“God,” Polly whispered to herself, “Why did you have to make them both so fucking stubborn?”

———

It was the evening after pay day, so all the pubs in Small Heath were filled to the brim. Normally, they didn’t serve women on their own, but Ada Shelby was the exception to the rule. Harry wouldn’t dare to refuse her.

“Here you go, Miss Shelby,” he said, as he handed her a drink.

She took it gratefully and went to sit down. The truth was, she was hoping to catch a glimpse of Freddie Thorne, but he hadn’t been in yet.

After fifteen minutes, she wanted another one and made her way over to the bar again. But the place was packed and it took too long for her liking. So, Ada went behind the bar and poured her own drink. Teddy watched her and smirked slightly. Deep down, she did admire her sister, simply because she wasn’t impressed by anything or anyone really.

At the same time, an older gentlemen strolled into the Garrison. He was dressed differently, looked like money, and had the confidence to match. Short as he was, he made up for it in attitude. Teddy didn’t know him and eyed him carefully.

Then he spotted Ada and made his way over. Leaning on the bar, he started talking to her, but Teddy couldn’t hear. She stood up and walked a little closer, while remaining invisible in the crowd.

“Come on, sweetheart, pretty girl like you all alone without a man?”

“Who says I am?” Ada shrugged, and Teddy could tell she was uncomfortable.

He smiled at her without humour, “How about I take you for a good time. You don’t want to be difficult, do you?”

Teddy frowned and felt the urge to spit at him. But instead she noticed how he was standing up on the little ledge of the bar, just a few inches off the ground. Cockily, he balanced on one leg, presumably to make up for the inches he lacked.

So the little girl grinned and just as he was telling Ada about all the things he had and could offer her, Teddy walked up to him and kicked him in the back of his knees. At once, he lost his balance and his legs buckled. And in one swift motion, he collapsed onto the bar and then fell flat on his arse.

The pub erupted in laughter.

Teddy joined in, but only got to celebrate her triumph for a few seconds. The man became furious and grabbed her, raising his hand to strike her. But before he could, Ada had grabbed a bottle and smashed it over his head. Afterwards, she calmly brushed the glass off her own coat and bit, “Now, piss off.”

“Yeah!” Teddy added, “Piss off!”

Ada looked down at her and grabbed her hand. She didn’t feel like waiting for what was to happen next, so she marched her little sister out of the pub.

Outside, neither said a word for a long time. Eventually, Ada was the first one to speak, “Would you mind explain what the bloody hell that was?”

Teddy shrugged, a little winded from having to run after Ada in her four inch heels, “I thought he was a bad man, so I didn’t want him to talk to you.”

Ada looked down at her strange little sister and felt a sudden surge of love for her, “He was a bad man. And I didn’t want him to talk to me.”

“Why?”

“Teddy… there are some good men out there…”

“Are there?”

“…but most of them are just bastards.”

Teddy pondered on that for a second, “How do you know which one is the not-bastard?”

Ada smiled, “Well, apparently, you already do. This one was not one of them.”

“So, you’re not mad at me for kicking him?” She tried carefully.

“Mad?” She laughed, “I thought it was bloody brilliant!”

Teddy smiled back up at Ada, beaming with pride.

“Thank you, Teddy, because for a moment, I did get scared.”

“I can come with you all the time, if you like!” her little sister quipped happily, “Keep watch for you?”

“That won’t be necessary, sweetheart, but I appreciate the offer.”

Casting her eyes down again, “Yeah, I know you don’t want me around…”

And quite abruptly, Ada stopped her in the streets, “Now wait a second, you strange little…” she quickly swallowed her words, “Teddy. Just because I don’t always like you, doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Do you understand?”

“No. That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Maybe not,” Ada marched on again and Teddy once again struggled to keep up, “but it will as soon as you find your own not-bastard!”

Teddy looked a little too pensive for Ada’s liking, so she said in her version of being comforting, “I’ll look out for you too and kick any man that gets to close, don’t worry.”

“What happened to you two?” Polly demanded, as her two nieces walked through the door.

“Nothing,” they both replied in unison.

Thomas looked from one to the other, “Tell me what happened.”

“We told you, Thomas, nothing happened,” Ada replied airily, while taking off her gloves.

“Teddy, you fucking tell me now.”

But even Teddy didn’t crumble under her brother’s piercing eyes this time. Instead, she looked up to Ada and said, “It’s nothing, Tommy. Just women’s business. Nothing for you to worry about.” She was now directly quoting her other female role model and Polly had no choice but to bend her head to hide her smile.

Ada smiled back at Teddy and left the room, with her little sister in tow.

“What the fuck was that?” Tommy sighed.

Polly replied, not without some smugness, “I believe that was a sisterly bond in action.”

“Should I be worried?”

“Yes.”

“Fucking hell,” he breathed, as he lit another cigarette.

Polly turned around to continue her work, “You’re outnumbered now, Thomas!”

Tommy tried to make a dismissive hand gesture, “There’s four of us, only two of them.”

“Yes, but they’re women, sweetheart, and women count for at least two men. Besides, they’re together now.”

This was all too much for the great leader of the Peaky Blinders to understand. There were some things, ‘women’s business’ as Teddy so elegantly had put it, that he tried to steer clear of. Still, he felt a pang of sadness over his little sister growing up. Maybe he was losing her.

“You won’t,” his aunt read his mind, “but you can’t protect her forever either.”

“If I can’t, who will?”

Polly smiled gently, “We will.”

*****

Masterlist

[neu-tronstar]

Japanese JLPT N3 Study Post #3

Welcome to my third study post, everyone! Today, I'll be making notes on the grammar point 合う to mean "Do something together." So, let's get into it!

Grammar Point 合う/あう (au)

Meaning: "Do something together."

How to use it

Verb ます stem + 合う/あう

For those wondering what "Verb Stem" means, essentially, it's the conjugation of a verb into ます form, where you then remove ます。I'll make this clear, when I write out the examples. I will strike through ます where I remove it, to assist others with understanding how "Verb Stems" in Japanese work.

Examples

私達はその件について話します合いましょう。

私達はその件について話し合いましょう。

Let's discuss together regarding that matter.

2人は愛します合っている。

2人は愛し合っている。

Those two are in love with each other.

その2人はいつも競います合っている。

その2人はいつも競い合っている。

Those 2 are always competing with each other.

合うｖｓ会う

Now, this isn't explicitly related to this grammar point, but I know this is something I always used to have confusion over, so I thought I'd include a point on it. These two words are both spelt and pronounced the same way, but their meaning is different. I'll explain this down below.

会う (au)

Commonly used to mean "to meet" or "to see someone."

This word uses the kanji 会, which conveys the idea of "coming together."

It means to physically meet someone/a group of people.

Example

友達に会う。

To meet a friend.

合う (au)

合う means "to match", "to fit", or "to go well together".

This word uses the kanji 合, which conveys the idea of harmony or agreement.

合う is used when talking about things that are compatible, or people who get along well together.

Example

この靴は私の服に合う。

These shoes match my clothes.

彼と彼女は気が合う。

They get along well together.

I hope this helps clarify the difference between the two!

Twisted Wonderland Notes

Unfortunately, I haven't got much done on the translation of Volume 1 of the Light Novel. I ended up being far busier over the weekend than I had anticipated. I'm hoping to get started on it this week, so if you're looking forward to that, stay tuned!

References

I am unable to embed this link, but hopefully you can just copy and paste it, if you want to read more on 会うｖｓ合う。

Previous Posts

If you want to take a look at my previous grammar posts, here they are!

Conclusion

Thank you for reading, and I hope this was helpful! As always, feel free to write any suggestions down in the comments, or any other grammar points you would like me to break down!

[whakkicat]

i am leaving

i made a post on my twt about this, but i should make it here as well.

this is my last text post before i archive this account and start elsewhere. video about what’s been happening at some point.

this post will be a personal note to friends, mutuals, communities, etc, and what will happen from here.

brief warning for mentions of abuse

1. i want to start with a word towards the rain world community. first off, i want to thank rain world for giving me a home. for starting me off as an artist. i had never actively participated in a fandom before this, and it was a wonderful experience.

the game brought me and so many of my friends together, i met a lot of amazing artists, some of which i’m still shocked they’re my mutuals, and rain world itself changed my life for the better, i believe. it gave me hope and something to live for when nothing else did.

i’ve always been quite afraid of voicing myself, as i had never participated actively in a fandom before, therefore had never gotten used to talking in one. but to those who’ve stuck around, who have enjoyed my content, thank you.

2. to the people who have been there for me during the worst, who have let me know i am not alone in my suffering, it means so much to me. i really hope that i can still keep contact with many of the people i have met on here.

there have been so many kind people on this platform and it’s been a joy talking to you all. if this is goodbye, to some, i wish you all the best. it’s only what you deserve.

3. i will be reaching out to the main people who i owe art to, regardless of cmms or not. it is unprofessional of me not to keep track of myself and keep everyone waiting. my ADHD has not made it very easy for me. i apologize.

4. this point will mention abuse, so cw dealing and getting out of abuse this year was extremely hard for me, and is still taking its toll on me. it’s part of the reason i can’t stay, because i feel they still have power over me, even if they’re not actively in my life anymore.

as i move on, i don’t want to completely abandon my past, and everything that came out of that abuse in the first place. i am not abandoning myself, or forgetting what i went through. i want to grieve my younger, naive self as i go forward as an artist.

this doesn’t mean i’ve let them win and break me down. i won’t give up on myself. i need to be kinder to myself and heal, so being away from this will help. this also goes out to anyone else trapped in their friendships, relationships. you will be okay. talk to

please do not silence yourself for the sake of other people. your own feelings are just as valid and important as anyone else’s. don’t let people make you feel bad for feeling your own feelings.

5. to mutuals who’d like to stay in contact, i have a priv account on twitter i will mainly be using from now on. it won’t be used as much as it used to, considering this is a hiatus, but it will be where i will reside. you’re free to ask me in dms.

6. i’ve already begun starting over, i won’t be gone completely. if you happen to recognize me in the near future, please do not pester me about it. simply accept that i have restarted, as a brand, as an artist, and i’d like to start over from square one.

7. this account will also be public for the remainder of its existence, however i may clean it up for archival purposes. i don’t want to simply vanish, i am proud of some of the work i have published, and i don’t want it to be forgotten.

it’s a bit odd, considering most of my art is composed of doodles, non-serious jokes, and mostly fanart. hopefully i can make self indulgent art in the future. i’ve always wanted people to know my characters, but was always too afraid to actually talk to people.

closing point i’m sorry if my absence upsets anyone, if you are disappointed in me. i can’t stress enough that this year has been hard enough on me, and being here is hard enough. i want a fresh start. i want to be okay.

i love my fellow artists, my friends, everyone. there’s so many talented people i’ve met and i don’t ever want to forget them. my last post will be my video talking about my experiences this year, previous years, because i feel it’s important for me to come out about it.

this is a goodbye. i will miss many of you. here’s to hoping the rest of the year will be good for everyone! until our paths meet again. good luck out there

[moodymisty]

Wow! Congrats on 1k followers!! Your writing is always a delight. 🥰

For your event, may I request Tech x F!reader with the prompt "You really want me?"

Thank you! I hope you have a great day. ❤️

❀ Milestone prompts list ❀

Author's Note: Awww thank you! I'm glad you enjoy my writing! and techtechtechtechtechtech

Relationships: Tech/Gn!Reader

Warnings: None, just fluff and confessions of love

"So, I have to ask..."

Echo's voice perks up your ears, as sits beside you. His glass is in his hands but he hasn't taken a sip yet, at least that you've noticed.

79's is relatively barren tonight, at least by the normal standards; Though it's still quite loud and packed with enough clones that traversal through the bar is for sure going to end up with you bumping into a few shoulders.

"Did you show Tech some new book or something?" He's not here tonight, having neglected coming out for drinks because of some important worked he wanted to finish, and had insisted you all go on without him. it's not incredibly unusual; This sort of scene isn't his type.

You think on Echo's question for a moment, pursing your lips as you look off in no particular direction trying to recall. Once you do, it's such a brief moment that you don't really think that it would be anything of note.

"Um, I mean I mentioned something not too long ago?" Echo leans back against the seat, an arm over the back behind your head.

"Ok, because he's not shut up about whatever it was for at least a week now. He's been researching it nonstop." That sentence makes you surprised, but also it's impossible to contain a smile at the thought of him doing something like that when you aren't around. It's, endearing. Not too often do you find someone who enjoys you enough that they try to enjoy the things you do. You love watching Tech tinker, to sometimes catch his tongue just barely poking out between his lips, but it makes your heart flutter a bit to know this new tidbit of info.

"Really? I didn't know he cared that much." Crosshair makes an amused noise.

"Cares? He's obsessed." He gets an odd look from you back, and Hunter seeks to clarify what Crosshair won't.

"The two of you really get along well," He says, and you raise your eyebrows. He can't exactly find the best way to put this so for the sake of his brother and for your own sanity, he'll be blunt.

"Look, we don't wanna shove into your business or anything," Hunter rubs the back of his neck. "But Tech really likes you." It's feels more than a little bit intense being underneath the stare of four eyes, especially considering who they are.

"But he's not gonna say it unless you do first."

Were you really so obvious in your attraction that they were all able to notice? You had hoped you were being at least somewhat subtle.

No point in denying it, you guess. They already have it all figured out.

"So, you want me to just go for it then?" You smile and laugh, expecting it to be taken as a joke. But instead, Hunter nods and agrees with you.

"Go sweep him off his feet."

You're not drunk in the slightest; seeing the outline of the Marauder ahead of you as you walk forward towards it with purpose. It's just that your conversation with the rest of the 99's has pushed you over the edge.

You ended up leaving not long after you'd finished talking, deciding to take the opportunity of Tech being alone. It's not too often you have the chance to do so.

You'll just say how you feel, and damn the consequences. You can't stay in the limbo anymore.

But Tech is just, so hard to read.

You've gotten better at it over time, but sometimes you find yourself wondering. His brothers know him best, and hopefully their encouragement doesn't end with you making an ass of yourself.

You have the codes to unlock the Marauder, bringing down the gangplank so you can head inside. Once you do, it's only takes a quick look to the right to locate Tech, who's situated in the cockpit using Gonky as an extension to his current work table; Which is the control panel. He heard your entrance and looks over, perking up in casual surprise.

"Oh, I thought you all would be out for most of the evening." He says it with curiosity, not disappointment. You notice he's reading one of the books you'd mentioned awhile ago when you step closer, datapad sat aside whatever he's been tinkering with. He must be using it as background noise.

"Yeah, it got a little too rowdy for my liking." He's soldering two wires together, humming and adjusting his goggles with a wiggle of his nose. When he speaks he's still working, not looking as you watch over him from his side.

"I apologize for my brothers if they said or did anything particularly uncouth; Them and large amounts of alcohol are not often the best combination." Speaking from experience? You joke to only yourself. Smiling, you wave off his concerns.

"Nah, they were fine," Your sentence hangs for a bit, leaning to one side as your eyes flick over his hands and arms. "I, wanted to talk to you, actually." That admission gets Tech's interest, naturally.

Gonky takes up a good portion of the free space between the seats, so he ushers the droid away and gives you the room to sit down.

"To me?" He seems both surprised and curious, already trying to figure out what you'd possibly need to talk to him about. It could be any number of things, it's not as if the two of you have ever run out of things to talk about.

"Yeah, I," You lick your lips, finding the words and the confidence to just say them.

Gods he looks so cute right now... You think while seeing his dark brown eyes watch you from behind his goggles.

"Do you want to go out sometime? Just you and me?" He quickly counts his tools as he puts them away back in his storage box, glancing up at you.

"Do you need help with something? I see no need why to specify just you and me if you would just like to go and-"

You get out of your seat and kneel on the edge of Tech's, leaning inward and stealing a kiss from him. He certainly looks surprised the moment you pull away, but it seems to get the point across well enough.

"Oh," He says, adjusting his goggles from where you'd bumped them out of alignment. "You meant in that way." His eyes are wide, flicking around focus on a different part of your face as he thinks.

"I, failed to think this was a possible scenario." In any other situation you might've considered making a joke, but the tone would be ruined if you did so.

"Being a clone isn't a desirable trait apart from a few select scenarios, my brothers are quite overbearing, and the state of the war I-" He cuts himself off, brain thinking a mile a minute. "You really want me?"

You smile and nod, lips just barely dusting over his. You can still feel his breath on your face, before he decides to kiss you this time. His feels more assertive, as if he's quickly gaining the confidence in what he's figured out so far. His body rises from his aggressive slouch and his hands move up your thighs, from where they had laid politely on your knees.

"Do you want me to say?" You say, feeling his hands on your hips.

His brothers won't be back for most of the night anyways. He has plenty of time to figure things out and get all the answers he needs.

"Yes."

[tothosewholisten]

Forever Healed | TUA insert

Chapter: 15

<<previous chapter | next chapter>>

masterlist

cw: cursing, blood and hints to SA

…

“Please don't!” Another day.

“I'm begging you!” Another mission.

“I'll do anything, just don't kill me!” Another kill.

Every day was the same as the last, It was an endless cycle of pain I put many people through. The fact that I can hear and feel the life force just leaving their bodies makes me want to join them. 

How long has it been? Days, weeks, months? I felt older, but that maybe had something to do with me being back in the 50's, time travel took a massive toll on my overall health. I never want to do this again. But I don't think I'm leaving anytime soon because she would never let me, she thinks I do too much of a good job. 

The Handler says I'm a natural killer, she says that I'm purging the universe of all the things that could change the original pure timeline. The apocalypse is one of those “pure” things. I don't agree with her, but I feel my mind slipping into submission like it always has.

She says Five told her that since he and I have different missions to help their cause it would be too time-consuming to talk. I don't think I'd want to see him anyway, he put me here with the hope of a possibility. But I know I can't be away from him forever, we have to go back home by any means necessary.

I've gone on at least thirty missions.

“Oh! B/n come here!”

Thirty-one.

I quickly stood up from my seat in the library section of The Handler's office not wanting to upset the waiting woman any more than needed. She's especially cheery this morning, it makes me dread what mission she's about to put me on today. From what I've learned from eavesdropping, I'm too special to get assignments like a normal worker from a case worker, like Five. No, I have to get them straight from her.

“Why good morning! There's something important for you to do today. Something I cannot trust to any of these everyday chums here.” How is she laughing at the people she recruited and probably took away from their own homes? Just like she did to us. Her grasp on the assignment paper tightens as she narrows her eyes at me. “I'm sorry. Am I being boring?” Her cruel words break me out of my trance. 

“Of course not” I croaked out. “Continue.. please.”

Just like a switch was turned on in her head she went back to her somewhat lobotomized state. “Great. Your assignment is to find a Mr. Luca Palumbo in 1942 New York, wow aren't you lucky! Well of course you will need to eliminate him, but for timeline sake make it look like a hired kill.”

“That would help to stage the Palumbo and Amato family's hatred which also causes the flux of the Italian mob which also causes hundreds of other meant-to-be deaths.”

She made me sick with her twisted words and the false joy that was on her painted face every day. But I couldn’t fight it even if I wanted to, my faint moral compass swayed more and more every day to just get shit done like I did when I was a kid. No one back at the academy had to know what I was doing, not even Klaus. Not even Five if I played my cards right.

Who am I kidding? I sound like an idiot. Of course, Five would know, he’d been through this exact thing and he’d come out.. as normal as possible. I need to get a grip. 

Her voice cut into my headspace once again. “So what do you say?” She grinned. We both already knew my answer, since I couldn’t oppose her. But she’s sadistic, she liked making it seem like I had an option. Like giving her prey a second to run before bolting after it.

I finally met her eyes and gave her the same answer I gave thirty other times. “Of course.”

..

The perfect cover story would be me posing as a hooker or a stripper but against The Handler’s suggestions, I decided I didn't need one. I'm not from this time and I don’t care about this mission enough to cover my ass. I made my way down the dark streets of Manhattan to hopefully get this over with quickly.

Luca owned a nightclub in the heart of the city, it wasn't too rancid which was a plus but an obvious front for illegal activities. I could feel someone’s eyes on me as I entered the building but I wasn't sure if it was from a woman wearing a suit or if he was on to me.

My plan was simple: corner him when least expected and kill him with a pistol similar to the one hidden in his pants right now. 

I took a seat in a velvety booth that was closest to the club stage. Aside from the half-naked dancers there was a plethora of men. But I wasn't here to kill them, I needed to find Luca. I let my eyes follow the crowds of gamblers whose voices were louder than the live band. It took a moment but from across the room I finally locked onto Luca. 

From what I was told I expected an old seasoned mob boss but from the back he looked as old as me. I could only get a closer look at him when a pretty blonde dancer passed his way, making him turn around. 

He was a brunette with a slick hairdo and a small mustache. He nursed the cigarette between his smirking lips as she passed. With a ring-covered hand, he beckoned her back over, she looked hopeful and ready to answer any question but he never said anything. Instead, he grabbed onto her body and smacked her ass, while laughing about it with his friends. If that was me, I would've taken that hand off clean but she had to stand there and take it, it was her boss after all.

I remember being that helpless back when I was trying to find my way after the academy. The situation made me wither in anger. I wanted this man dead more than ever, disgusting scums like him don’t deserve to live. My grip on the table in front of me was tight and the ringing in my ears felt like a teapot ready to boil. 

I regained composure and watched on as he engaged in conversation with the other mob bosses. He had to do something else other than poker, I'm sure it's been hours by now. As I waited for him to get along I started to think. 

Eat, sleep, and control others, that's all these kinds of people do and nothing will ever change, the powerful stay the powerful unless there’s something we can do about it. 

Something I can do about it.

Something I can do about The Handler. 

Life would go back to what it was if The Handler was gone, no matter how fucked up it was I had finally gotten control back of myself.

But what could I do? Of course, she’d probably be an easy kill but I have no doubt she'd haunt my everlasting memory forever. Everything she said about me is exactly correct no matter how much I wish it wasn’t. I don’t like killing, it scares me and so do my powers but you have to do what you don’t like to survive. My mom taught me that.

I chuckled at myself, it's always mother-like daughter. She survived in a different country by tolerating a man who married her for some strange fetish but never retaliated against him. It had confused me a lot as a child, but when I became a teenager I started to resent her and maybe I still do. But I realize, just like that dancer, some people are just surviving, they are forced to take the poor hand dealt to them and try to make something better of it.

Until scum try to drain them of everything their worth. It’s a constant cycle, which leads me back to this guy. Luca Palumbo, the guy I was sent to kill. The guy was currently on the move toward a back door, which I wouldn't have seen if I didn't quickly snap into action.

He was walking at a fast pace for a person just heading to a different room, maybe he’d spotted someone he owed money to or maybe he’d spotted me.. 

I followed his faint figure through the strobe-lit hall, at this point I had no clue where he was going. I turned my head to make sure no one was behind me but the only thing I saw was an empty hallway. 

Luca took a sharp turn to the left, into a room that faintly looked like a storage closet and quickly faded into the dark room. Warning signs seemed to just flash in my brain but I kept going anyway, he had to be on to me. I quietly entered the room behind him but it was too dark to tell where he was. At times like these, I wish I had x-ray vision.

The only sign of where he was was when he slammed the door shut behind me, locking him and me inside the storage closet. He then took a few steps closer to me. I could tell he was trying to intimidate me. Jokes on him the only thing that scares me is my childhood trauma.

“Now I'm gonna make this quick, Sally is waiting for me. I saw your eyes on me for hours but not in the way most people's eyes drift. And then you followed me here. So what do you want?” His transatlantic accent rang in my head, it was like right out of a TV.

Questions were swirling in my head, but I knew I was here for a purpose. I'd never talked to my kills before so I didn't plan on starting now. But against my better judgment, I opened my mouth. “Who’s Sally?” I asked.

“Why, she's the newbie floozy you were also eyeing before. You're not jealous are you?” His audacity was astonishing, here I am trying to kill him and he thinks I'm a secret admirer or something. How thick can one man be?

I was fuming from the way he started talking about this girl. I couldn’t even hear it anymore and it was obvious by my heaving breathing. I've seen countless idiots and killed them for less of a reason, there had to be a reason why this one was making me so upset.

“I'm gonna turn on the light and we can solve this, alright?” He laughed. “If you wanted me you could’ve just said it. I don’t bite.”

The light illuminated the room making it easier to see his smug face. “You're not too bad yourself. Would you like to work here?” So can I be assaulted? No, thank you.

He was prodding at me, trying to rile me up; it was like he reveled in my piercing eyes and balled-up fist. But they weren't for him, they were for this stupid uniform, the suit limited my mobility because it was too small even though it was my exact measurements. I wanted to burn the horrid thing but I settled for just taking it off. 

“Starting the show a little early, no? Not that I'm complaining.” Luca goes and tries to grab onto me but before he’s able to get my shirt off I punch him in the face, sending him flying. His back hits the door and he slides down with a groan. “What the hell?” He shouts.

He gets up in a frenzy reaching for the gun at his waistline, wasting no time firing it right into my shoulder. It didn't hurt, they never did. The fucker couldn’t even fire correctly and the worst part was that it didn't even go through me. That shit was lodged into my shoulder.

I laughed at him, before reaching into my shoulder with the side of my face and pulling the bullet out with my teeth. It was a long and grimey experience but I was proving a point. Once I grabbed onto it I spit it back out at his dress shoes and watched his face turn into horror. 

“Crazy bitch!” He shrieked, accent dropped. I knew it was fake.

He panicked and reached out for the door handle but he never escaped the room. I waited for a second before acting.

Then I became a different person. I just kept punching, quick and hard right into his pretty face. I let out a slur of noncohesive words and rambles. “You're the worst kind of person on the planet!” I yelled in his messed-up face. 

“All you do is take!”

Punch

“You take from me, you take from Sally, you take from everyone you steal money from!”

Punch

“Then you try to seal me away and control me. You're just as bad as her!”

Punch

“You deserve nothing.” 

Punch

“Why am I the one who has to hurt?”

Punch

“What did I do? While you sit there on your high fucking horse.”

At this point my hand is strikingly red with his blood and so is his face. I got that same teapot ringing in my ears, I could feel every cell in his body. It’d take me only one action to crush all of them. 

Right here right now, and then he’d combust into a pool of his cancerous blood. That would be the only way I make sure when I leave he doesn't get up again. That he can't make children who have to deal with a shitty father, just like I did.

Looking at the bullet on the floor made me remember why I was there. I had a mission, even if I was too blind to see it at the moment. I stretched before grabbing my similar gun not caring if my prints were all over it. I was done with this situation.

And as he tried to crawl to the door I shot him. One for his disgusting remarks, two for his awful behavior and ten for fun. Right in the back, just like one of his cowardly friends would do. 

I rid myself of the gun and wipe my bloody hands on my shirt. Lastly, I grabbed my jacket and stepped around his body, ridding myself of this situation. I did what he couldn’t leave the room just like I could leave The Handler's box she placed me in. It was time to do something about the commission.

I needed to talk to Five. 

It was time to leave.

..

I walked in the rain with the briefcase in my hand that was given to me by the commission. I originally hoped when I stashed it under the velvet booth it would be stolen so I wouldn't have to go back. 

As quickly as I turned angry I turned back to the sad, sorry self I've always been. I sniffled and reacted for the briefcase to go back to headquarters. Being already familiar with it, I just let my hands do the work and silently sobbed.

I wish I still had my therapist, then maybe I could uncover why I'm so angry. And why I let it build up to the point where my outbursts are well.. deadly. I can't blame anyone else for that, it's just a me thing. 

When I got back to the commission and had calmed down in the bathroom I stalked the hallways. All I needed to find was a little boy in shorts and then I'd spot him. It was hard though with the bustle of people, it must’ve been lunchtime.

I’ve never been one to the mess hall because I don't want to interact with other workers and I don't really eat.. Knowing Five he wouldn't want to eat with them either so he must be somewhere around here.

Using my knowledge of the place I walked over to where the case managers resided during working hours. But I stared at the floor as I walked. Not noticing the tiny steps walking out of the office, we collided for a quick second before we noticed who each other were.

It was Five, in all his tiny glory. Adored in the same fitted suit I was in but less wet and bloody. He looked just the same as when we were brought here but his hair was a bit longer and he looked more agitated.

He stared at me with his eyes wide. “Y/n” he whispered. I could almost cry again at his words. After not seeing him for months I missed the little shithead. “You look…”

I giggled and looked at my feet. “I know it's not my best outfit, I know. Trust me the water wasn't planned for.” My only coping mechanism has always been jokes.

Five was at a loss for words, I thought he was going to reply with something equally as snarky. He sighed. “I'm so sorry.”

I felt a bit angry actually, after all these months of torment. “Well, Five I think we're a little above sorry. Don’t you think so?” He had no response. “I mean you put me here and then don't talk to me for months. And after this, you get what, a body replacement? What do I get? except for more kills on my belt?” I rambled all the thoughts I'd been dying to ask someone with an actual mind in their head.

“It could’ve been anyone else Five.” I shook my head. “Even The Handler said you didn't want to talk to me.”

“And you believed her?” He finally spoke up.

“What else was I supposed to believe?” I furrowed my brows. “This is your palace. I've never been here before. It was just like when I was thrown into the academy. God.”

“…” 

“Look, if that's all you have to say. I'm gonna go get cleaned up.” I looked away back towards The Handler's office. I know Fives never was the best at expressing himself but I guess I expected more from him.

Five clears his throat. “Wait. I have a plan okay? I know I messed up. It was selfish to bring you but I need you to trust me when I say that I'm trying to do the best for us. Just come with me.”

We stared at each other again. “Okay,” I replied. “I do believe you, and I know you’ve spent your whole life trying to get back to us. I just wish that I wasn't dragged in during the process.”

He gives me a somewhat smile. “Whatever we do now, we do it together.”

“I can live with that.”

..

Five led us into the room that held all the field assignments, a room I’d never been in after we listened in on a conversation between Dot and the woman who ran it, Gloria.  They were talking about how the Handler knows Five is up to something. And that Gloria needs to send a letter to warn Hazel and Cha-Cha.

But before she could send it we made it to her first. The boy blipped us into the room and then stapled her in the back of the neck. Which caused her to drop to the floor cold. I gave him a weird look for his choice of weaponry but he only grinned.

While I was on the lookout he grabbed the message and rewrote what it said. At first, it said “Reassignment: protect Harold Jenkins” and now Five wrote for them to assassinate each other. Which was smart thinking.

We both entered in one letter for both of the workers and watched them go down the shoots. It was finally done now we just needed to get a briefc—-

“You both know that's not how we do things around here.” A familiar voice cut in. I turned to look at The Handler with dread, it was truly over now. We’re never leaving 

“Where’s Gloria?” She asked.

Five respond for us. “I don’t know we couldn’t find her anywhere.” Which could’ve been a great lie if Gloria didn't groan in pain from where I put her behind the desk. The Handler turned slowly to her hurting form as Five gave me a look that meant get ready for anything.

She looked repulsed at us but only her words pierced me in the heart. “You’re a great disappointment to me B/n. To be here with him, after I asked you not to. It makes no sense.” I could tell Five was confused by whoever’s name she just called out. But I know what she meant.

Then she turned her sights on him. “You can't change what's to come, Five. I truly find it so odd that you can shed this little fantasy. You're a first-rate pragmatist.” She raises her voice. “You two belong here with us.”

“In a few days thanks to you, we won’t belong anywhere.” He exclaims.

My gaze deepens at The Handler, “why would we want to stay here? You turned us into killers.”

She laughs at me. “Oh please, you two have always been killers. Especially you, do I need to bring up your count over the years?” She reaches down to unzip the leg proportion of her sleek dress. Revealing a pistol which she points at us. “I just pointed you in the right direction. Don’t forget about how you started. You both came from nothing!”

“You’d still be with your boring parents if not for your powers. So use them!”

My initial reaction was to shield Five from bullets or jump at the woman and kill her, but Five had other plans. He grabbed me and blipped us away behind one of the machines in the room. The whole area went into shock, someone must’ve pulled the alarm because there was a blaring sound and a whole lot of movement outside. 

The Handler never stopped shooting at us as we blipped around the room.

“What’s the rush?” She calls out. “We’re just getting started.”

As we hid she growled restless and started doing anything she could to manipulate us one last time. “Is that how you want the last line of your report card to read?”

Five whispered at me to trust him, I was confused for a second until he blipped me next to Gloria's desk and himself in front of the crazy woman. He started to egg her on. “When I'm done, I'm done, I guess.”

Her creepy smile returns to her pale face. “You can't keep this up forever, Five. We both know you have a limit. And carrying two people has to hurt a bit more right? I saved you from a lifetime of being unhappy.” She bares her teeth at him. “You owe me.” 

“Speaking of which, where is the flower?” She fakes a loving attitude as she looks around the room for me. I quickly dive under Glorida’s desk.

When she turns back around to give him one last snarky comment, I finally understand what he wants me to do. I leap out with one last satisfactory glance at him. And I grab a book from the table and smack The Handler over the head with all my might.

Thankfully it's before she could even fire the gun at him. I let out a huge sigh of relief when she fell to the ground. Five walks over to me, stepping on her long body as he does.

He looks at me. “I did owe a debt but it wasn’t to her. Come on, I owe you one.” 

“Five! That was so sweet! I could melt right now” I gushed.

“Well now I shouldn’t have said anything and I should just leave you here, ew.” We laugh at our win.

But he still drags me along down the halls towards the briefcase room with him anyway. As he rigs us a new briefcase because I forgot where I had placed the one I came back here with I watch the commotion. People running like they are headless chickens everywhere, and thankfully no Handler.

Five throws a grenade into the briefcase room and we duck for cover. “Where the hell did you get that?” I laughed.

“You don't wanna know.” He smiles.

With one last glance, we opened up the briefcase and let the blue sparks engulf us.

“Goodbye, Commission. I hope I never see you again!” I yelled at all the destruction. 

..

What’s left of The Umbrella Academy is stationed in the living room, having a discussion they had just had before..

“Hold the phone.” Klaus groans out. “We all died fighting this thing the first time around, right?” 

Diego calls out from behind the bar. “Klaus, shockingly, has a point. What gives us a win this time,”

Luther has no time to respond, even if he did it wouldn't have been heard over the crackling of electricity. Blue flashing lights take up the ceiling of the living room and two people and a black briefcase come trickling out of the sky.

Everyone runs back in fear.

“Je- Jesus!” Alison shouts while covering her head.

They all take a minute to see what actually fell onto the bar table. A sight they’ve seen before.

“You guys, am I still high or do you see them, too?” Klaus asks.

..

We both landed on the uncomfortable bar table. I could feel my head spinning from time travel, I needed to throw up. “What the hell? You said the landing would be okay this time” I yelled at him. I raised my head to see all of the questioning faces. “Oh hey, guys” I slurred out.

Luther is the first to respond. “Where the hell have you guys been?” Five is unresponsive because he’s too busy, rolling off the counter onto the floor. 

Everyone rushes to the falling boy and they start pumping him with questions. 

“Are you alright?” Allison says.

“Who did this?” Luther asks.

“What are you two wearing?” Klaus remarks

Five finally gets back up onto his feet, not before stealing the cup of coffee in Allison’s hand and walking a few steps away from everyone. “All irrelevant.”

Then they all turn to me. “It’s a long story.” I shrugged. One that was too scarring to tell.

The boy gulps down the entire full cup of coffee. I finally peered down at my clothes, we were covered in ash from the grenade and I was still soaked.

“So, the apocalypse is in three days.” Five began to speak. “The only chance we have to save our world is, well, us.’

“The Umbrella Academy” Luther mumbles. 

“Yeah, but with me, obviously. So if y’all don't get your sideshow acts together and get over yourselves, we're screwed. Who cares if Dad messed us up? Are we gonna let that define us? No.”

Everyone including myself shares his sentiment and we all shake our heads no.

“And to give us a fighting chance to see next week. I've come back with a lead. I know who’s responsible for the apocalypse.” Five hands them the paper we found earlier.

“This is who we have to stop,” I added. 

Allison opens the paper and the boys all look over her shoulder. “Harold Jenkins?” She tried out the name, it sounded weird to me too at first. Like it was fake.

“Who the hell is Harold Jenkins?” Diego belted out 

Five and I share one last of our little looks. We needed to prepare for the road ahead, but there was one last thing I had to do..

…

hey sorry for the big gap between chapters, i keep all my info on my phone about this book and it just broke. This is me on a temp phone for now!

Taglist:

@aloflapse

@isomehowexist

@elenalovestoread

@miscrying

@gabriella-aesthetic

@dakotapaigelove

@solarbeanz

@theoriginalone1111

@water-hemlock18

@tialovesyoutoo

@bunnychano3o

@rockyeatrock

[thesoulshyperrealaslacreatura]

Drakenier: Violence as expression and affirmation - Pt.1

It has become a rather well-known piece of trivia (or at least, well-known within the niche internet circles I flow through) that 2010's Nier Replicant / Gestalt had its overall message thoroughly inspired by well, 9/11 - the discourse that produced it, that came of it, and became it. Although it may not be a direct quote, "to kill someone, you don't have to be out of your mind, you just need to believe you are correct" is a sentiment clearly echoed throughout the game; as the many layers of its central and side conflicts drop alongside the curtains to its second, third (and maybe kind of fourth) playthrough, so does what had, for quite a ways into the game, seemed like a story mostly about finding, nurturing and protecting a community - people to call home.

However, the statement above seems to somewhat conceal-so-as-to-merely-hint-at what I'd argue is a much more complex argument the games lay forth, when looked at as one series. I, myself, have found it difficult in the past to distill both Replicant and the wider series as a whole into one coherent message or thematic frame; partly (and beautifully), because there mustn't be one - this singular reading which eclipses the broad range of experiences that people have come to share with the series - such an idea is preposterously reductive. Still, I think that this mish-mash of "the game is about philosophy and tragedy and nihilism and existentialism and society and humanity and life" and whatnot misses a bit of where the different themes intersect, producing further instances of meaning from the text. I hope to discuss the evolution (were I to sound even more pretentious, I might have used the word genealogy, but I would never stoop to that) of a few central concepts surrounding drakenier's "philosophy of violence" and where they seem to have informed or have been informed by other aspects of the works.

Strap in, because just from writing the introduction I can already tell this is gonna have to come in multiple parts. Hopefully my writing can steer away from boring you to tears throughout all of it.

Spoilers for the whole series!

Part 1: Replicant, and the subjective experience gained from that funky 9/11 fun fact

"Blood is sound, sound is words, and words are power"

This quote, almost a chant from Weiss as the player starts to grasp the gameplay loop of attacking enemies to allow for magical attacks, ties in the game's teaching of that system with what I consider to be the most powerful writing from Replicant (I'm going to refer to it as Replicant for the sake of convenience, obviously Gestalt is included in that). And it is deeply tied to what Taro himself has credited as a major source of inspiration for Replicant in relation to his previous game, Drakengard.

In some ways, Nier Replicant isn't introducing a new, foreign idea over the original Drakengard, so much as bringing out new elements from within its predecessors' critiques of the gaming landscape. Though that only really becomes clear by taking future foresights the series would reach into account; this is the point at which it becomes prudent to ask ourselves one question - how might the game's design regulate the player's interaction with the game world? (A question that, if you're at all even familiar with Drakengard, you probably already know the answer to)

From this, we can extrapolate a lot of meaning from how the original Drakengard was conceived: a game about violence, from the perspective of people who were so immersed in their own awfulness and the general precarity of their world that they cannot enact anything but that same violence. And it is that violence which comes to define them.

I'd also like to do the pedantic thing and bring up the fact that violence can be thought of as more than just physical harm, but also in terms of violation. In that sense, when I claim that Drakengard's characters are defined by violence, I mean it in that their reduction of other people to objects serves as an exertion of themselves - the Dynasty Warriors inspired combat of cleansing battlefields as the only win state reflects back at Caim as his only method of building an identity of his own, one based on strength demonstrated from conquering his enemies. You might find that these 'enemies' are violated the moment they're placed into the game as props that sustain its overall narrative.

In fact, this 'loss of personhood as self-affirmation' theme reverberates into another key factor of the game's story: pacts. They explicitly deprive humans of something of themselves - their ability to communicate, to see, to age, to have hair (sure????) -, and reduces both parties into one shared essence, yet it is what permits its characters to have strength through which they find themselves as able to inflict that dehumanization onto others. Dehumanization becomes their characterization, both from the audience's perspective as well as in-world.

Following that, Nier Replicant does not dispute that destruction of the other simultaneously inflicts upon the self both corruption and affirmation. If anything, it only takes measures to strengthen that sentiment, in light of how the added theme of perspective brings forth a need to now more closely study the subjective experience of perpetrating violence. Thus:

"Blood is sound, sound is words, and words are power"

The gameplay system I've anchored this analysis to comes into play; attacking your enemies gives you the literal strength to continue your offense, by design - ridding them of their life force, their blood, perpetuates the narrative, the words being built, the sealed verses of a prophecy you've set for yourself: that of being a hero to your sister/daughter, friends and general community. This even extends to the lyrics of Ashes of Dreams:

"Are we the plaything of fiends or merely the dreams that we're telling ourselves?"

Though we shouldn't forget that Weiss' comment takes the form of X=Y=Z=W, and it seems I've neglected the 'sound' part of the sentence. As I was writing this, my brain immediately made the association between that and Drakengard 3's focus on the power of Song, which, in fairness, definitely was made with the rest of the series in mind - but, in this instance, that sounds like a bit of a lucky coincidence. Still, what the concept of sound brings to the statement doesn't seem too far off from what meaning could be made at a bit more of a general, rudimentary level, that being: our lifeforce (blood) translates into our ability to be heard (sound), thus effectively giving us narratives about the world around us (words), which gives our actions direction, purpose (power).

From that, we can take a closer look into a lot of different aspects of the game. After all, the reason I proclaimed this piece of writing to be so powerful isn't really because I could - and did - stretch its interpretation to its fullest, but also from the way it manifests itself around the struggles of various characters, while being tied to the game's overall systems and world. Emil receding into his identity as a weapon in order to redirect what he sees as his curse onto those who seek to harm his friends - leading to his sacrifice; Weiss, who also goes on to sacrifice himself, does so in the name of putting an end to this now 5-year mission, grown into his own center of existence; Louise, perhaps reacting to the world around her, saw humanity as something to claim from others, and faced erasure upon perceiving herself as incapable of acquiring it. For better or for worse, the moral codes characters create from their own intentions of living become rigid scripts to follow as self-fulfilling prophecies of their own identities.

We can see that, ultimately, characters across both games tend to follow journeys with a general structure of: bleak circumstances > feeling of powerlessness > violence as a misguided means of reclaiming the power to define oneself > entrenchment in violence becomes overbearing, coming to annihilate the very self which sought to instigate it. From the first Drakengard to the first Nier, this hasn't changed a bit. What changed is a distinct awareness in how the self, or what we might call "us" stands in conflict with the generalized other, "them", and where it uses morality as a catalyst for smoothing out the uncomfortable edges of that conflict.

In fact, the annihilation of the self as, paradoxically, an act of self-affirmation is the very core of ending D for Replicant. And this is, partly, where the inciting 9/11 quote comes into play - given our newfound empathetic understanding of where violence comes from, how do we process it? How do we make sense of it? From the way the world is established, the very act of surviving, for both replicants and gestalts, is somewhat tainted as immoral, and predicated on the erasure of an 'other'. It leaves room for later material to find itself more at ease with this question (and those circle back nicely to ending E from the new version, as well). For now, most of what the game feels comfortable in concluding comes from Kainé, who stands in contrast with most characters by fully rejecting the notion of being a moral agent throughout the entire story, yet the game still offers us the chance to save her - it, mirroring the protagonist, relentlessly believes in her. Not even that "she can be better", whatever better might mean, just that "she can be".

And obviously, finally, we can extrapolate plenty of social commentary from this. Playing off of the thematic material introduced in Automata, we could argue that Replicant's plot is, in retrospect, about slowly building up to the depiction of a certain "Death of God" - which, in nietzschean terms, is not merely society straying from religiosity, but represents an irreparable shattering in the very idea of a centralizing narrative that everyone could subscribe to and fit within. So ends humanity, not just as a species, but as a concept; no longer are people able to identify themselves as containing some unified essence of 'humanity', recognizing the other as a complete self in its own right, as they retreat into the violence that was inflicted against them, which they inflict back at the world - to have your totality reduced to a role in a play that the winner gets to write. And in that sense, I'd argue it captures specific facets of a post-9/11 climate pretty well.

Anyway, gonna make a separate post that's just about Drakengard 3, and then one that's just about Automata, but at a later time!

also, this thesis becomes more relevant when the time comes to analyze automata, but it was still helpful in having me think through the previous games, so I'll drop it here as a reference for now, and will mention it more loudly once we come to specific sections later (not about to be the next target for hbomberguy lmao): http://dspace.library.uvic.ca/handle/1828/14525

Cool that there are people writing about it!! Thank you Xinlyu Tan, the goat!!! Would love to go through more material, but I'm writing this for fun on the side... hope anyone reading this has enough fun with it to go looking for more on their own, go extend the discussion further, blah blah blah. Also hope that I make any sort of vaguely coherent point. And, lastly, I hope you enjoy yourself!

[vinamari]

Hii! I hope you’re well. This is something that I thought of a while ago, but I don’t have the writing capabilities to put it into paper.

Nanami Kento xF!reader, and due to Nanamis job he broke things off and things ended badly. But time passes, and they see each other again a couple of years later.

I hope this makes sense!

| 𝐉𝐨𝐛𝐬

A/N: Hopefully this is good and how you wanted 🙏

THEMES: Angst, fluff, hurt/comfort

Nanami had dated you for about three years now, yet he broke it off with no explanation.

You could feel his pain when he walked away from you in your own house and didn’t look back as he went through the door. It was a deep ache in your heart. He was hurt too though, but what did it matter now? The end of this relationship would mean that you would be safe.

When he first entered your house he advised you to sit down as it was an important he had to talk to you about it. Instinctively it made you nervous considering that he was a serious man and had priorities. However what you didn’t know that is what he was doing for your sake. You were his priority. He cared about you, which was why he was trying not to hurt you. This way he wouldn’t have to hurt himself. But the truth of the situation was that he couldn’t take the risk. If you knew how much he cared about you then why did he do this? Why break up with you?

It was his job, he was a sorcerer that fought curses. You wouldn’t understand it which is why he was doing this to protect you. He didn’t want you getting hurt either, “Y/N, I believe it’s best if we end things here”. Eyes widening at his words, “What? Kento everything is going great for us. Why would you want to end it?”.

He knew you would keep asking him questions until he gave you an answer. He remained silent trying to piece words together that could explain why he was doing this. “We both have different aspects of what we want to do in our lives, it would only drive us apart in the future”. Poorly worded response is all he managed, he watched your face morph into a confusion before it turned questioning his response. You knew and he knew that what he said had been far from the reasoning. “That doesn’t make sense.” He got up and walked away to the door before you knew it he left the house. Maybe that was it, three years of your relationship, gone just like that.

Waking up everyday knowing he wouldn’t be there was exhausting, crying yourself to sleep for the first week or so on the end of your relationship. Not having closure was unbearable, not being able to know the reason behind his decision to sever ties with you made you angry, “why did you leave? How can you tell me all of this and walk out of my life without saying goodbye first?!”. You wanted answers, but you were scared of finding them. You missed waiting everyday and night for the way he would kiss your forehead entering or leaving your house, however now you stopped waiting. He wasn’t coming back is what you wanted to believe. He had left because he saw what he was willing to do and he knew what he would be risking by staying, it was better to cut the connection than see what would happen.

He had set your standards high, you tried to date. Hell even your friends tried to hook you up with others, except they weren’t him. None of them had the qualities he had. Because they just weren’t him.

A couple years had passed since you both broke up and left, he became more aggravated than usual with the pranks and antics of Gojo. Working overtime or exorcising curses is what he would. His techniques seemed to have a little more push in them, the first week after of when he had broken up with you he was fine however as time progressed so did his urge to apologize and to come back explaining why he did what he did.

But he never did. Now his work schedule seemed to go off course again, sometimes he came home late and spent most of his time doing remaining. Sometimes he was working overtime as a sorcerer and only arrived home around 3 AM. He barely ever spoke anymore except for when he was needed, he looked tired. Bags were forming under his eyes, he reminisced on the times you would scold him for overworking himself. It remained like this for a few years. It was draining for the both of you to not take care of each other. Both of you were falling apart by the day.

Recently a bookstore had opened up near the local cafes, it would be nice to spend your afternoon looking for a book that came out from your favorite author. Nanami had also ironically enough needed to head to the bookstore, the files he had stated there had been curses lingering around the area that needed to be dealt with. What he didn’t expect was that when he would walk through the door he would see you asking one of the workers there for help in finding the book you wanted.

Shifting your attention your eyes had locked with the blondes. The air felt tight, reminding you of when he broke up with you. “Kento?”, her voice wavered as she called his name. “Y/N?”, he was in shock of seeing you stand right in front of him. You had seemed as if you hadn’t slept although you could say the same for him. “What are you doing here?”, you asked him. Your tone was soft but laced with disappointment and hurt. “I need a book”, “but how are you here?”, his mind was racing. “I also needed a book”, gesturing to the book the worker that had just handed to you before leaving.

“I see”, he cleared his throat, he felt awkward and nervous. You didn’t know how to feel, all your emotions and feelings returning just at the look of him. “I’m sorry, for that day”, he started before locking eyes with you. You took notice of his actions, feeling nothing but confusion. “Can we meet up later? Maybe get coffee, it’s best if I explain everything and why I did what I did”, your heart fluttered a bit at the suggestion.

“Sure”.

[fipindustries]

my experiences with transphobia.

this will probably make me look a bit unlikeable because its going to ammount to "not that many tbh i was insanely priviledged", i am very well aware of the struggle that my community goes through every day all over the world, specially in the last few years where republicans and terfs and conservatives in general have seemed to drive themselves into mouth foaming frenzy out of disgust, and where intra community fighting seems to get more bitter every day.

but i do want to share my experience all the same and hopefully this will help give some hope in the current bleak state of affairs that not everything about being trans is constant suffering all the time.

winding back the clock all the way to me being a kid, i was very much bullied, from kindergarden to high school. my experience in the education system was twelve solid years of being called names, being pushed around, being ostracised, being made fun of and being excluded. i had people trick me into accepting food the offered and then telling me they had spit on it before (my response to that was to keep eating it all the same and made sure to enjoy it in front of them). ive had people beat the shit out of me, and i had people point at me on the hallways and laugh every time i would walk across them.

none of this was over any gender stuff, mind you, but because i was just "the weird kid" i was very openly nerdy and neurodivergent, i had been raised by cartoon shows and i would insist on behaving as a cartoon character irl. also because i was not very social, i was awkward and because i tended to keep to myself.

besides that i lived in a small town with no nerdy scene at all, my family (especially on my dad's side) just plain didnt get me. noone seemed to share or understand my hobbies and my dad would constantly critcize me for the way i behaved, the way i dressed, the way i talked, etc.

out of all this my response was to say "no, its the children who are wrong". i resolved from a very young age to just be myself and if that made me an outsider and a weirdo and an outcast then whatever. if some came to make fun of me or criticise me for just being me then they were in the wrong and their opinion was automatically discarded. i was not going to compromise myself for the sake of others. i never really developed a sense of shame over being who i was.

this of course was in part a bit of a trauma response which ended up with me having the maladaptive trait of being too self centered and too inconsiderate of other people's needs, i had a really bad tendency to see any criticism, no matter how valid, as an attack to be ignored, to this day i still have trouble measuring myself and noticing when im hurting others, i still have a hard time prioritizing other people's needs over my own.

but, tragicomically enough, this attitude proved to be actually rather useful for when i transitioned. i am more or less impervious to weird comments or outsiders eyes. as soon as i came out of the closet i was going out in full drag like, literally three days after. i was walking outside, going to the corner store, doing groceries, running errands and stuff ouside in the street with fake boobs and my face caked in make up i still didnt fully know how to properly apply. i had a bunch of kids yell faggot at me and my only thought was that those little shits should get taught some manners.

it also helped me brush off really unpleasant comments from a close friend with regards to my transition, like her saying she was sure i was going to end up detransitioning or that everyone thought i looked like a fake caricature of a woman. my first reaction to those comments was "she is just saying that to hurt me, opinion automatically discarded". it helped me stand uo to my dad who outright refused to call me by my pronouns or treat me like a girl so i just immediatly stopped talking to him or visisting him until he changed his mind. it took a year but he eventually did and now things are great between us.

but that is only half of the story. im telling you all this because it sounds cool and because im genuenly proud of it but the truth is also that, i just didnt have to put up with a lot of hardship in my life in general, i grew up in a nice house with a loving caring mo and step dad, i went to college, i lived a lower middle class lifestyle generally. once i got out of high school i managed to get some actual friends. and i live in a more or less stable country.

all of my friends and immediate family were instantly cool about my transition. my uncles, my grandma, my cousins, my mom, my sister, my step dad. i was immediatly accepted with an "ok, cool, you are mandy now". all of my friends immediatly accepted me with open arms as well. if there were ever any weird social games about "being excluded from girl spaces" or people treating me different or whatever im probably too socially oblivious to notice them.

on top of that i live in a genuenly very trans friendly country, in a seemingly trans friendly city. so generally goberment institutions, health care institutions, private bussineses, the companies i worked for, they all went out of their way to use my prefered pronouns and name, even before i changed my documentation to reflect this.

i dont think i ever was scared to come out of my house or walk down the streets of my city, even at night. and let me tell you, there are times where the sun hits the wrong way or i forgot to shave or all my clothes were dirty and i had to essentially boy mode, and none of that deterred me from going outside and doing my bussines without even sparing a second thought to what strangers on the street might think. other people on the street are just non-entities for me, they might as well be painted on the walls, i just cannot bring my self to care about what they might think.

i keep thinking back to that scc article about people living in different circles that seem to either automatically insulate them from or automatically draw them to abuse from others.

people are generally nice and normal and reasonable around me and i dont know if this is because i have an "anti-transphobia" field or i am just incredibly innatentive, where its happening all the time and i just dont notice it, but it has certainly made my life easier.

[silverspadesss]

i think the pacing in ep 7 definitely could have been better, and i really think those missing two episodes in comparison to last season aren’t doing it any favours.

but ed and stede are ‘whim-prone’. that’s already been established. and they’re very new into this relationship and both still quite immature, and i do have faith that everything’s going to be fine.

stede was bullied as a child and has felt inadequate and left out his entire life, and now he’s being recognised and celebrated as a pirate. he feels like he fits in now. and for someone who’s spent his entire life feeling like the exact opposite, it all comes crashing down on him at once. and predictably, he doesn’t know how to handle it, and so he gets arrogant and a little selfish. stede is currently caught up in the rush of being the person that he thinks he always wanted to be, and being liked for what he sees right now as who he really is. and now with the english upon them and much bigger things at stake, hopefully he’ll be able to realise this. hopefully he can snap out of this high caused by sudden social esteem and realise what - and who - truly makes him happy.

and meanwhile ed doesn’t want to be a pirate anymore. just like when stede left him on the dock, his feelings of not being worthy of stede and the life that stede apparently now wants to live are bubbling up again, and we’ve seen how in tune with his emotions edward is and how much things can affect his mood and self-esteem (and that’s not a scathing endowment of his character at all), as someone who’s still working on making himself feel lovable. that’s why he wanted to take it slow, and that in my eyes is why he made that snap decision to leave. because he’s impulsive. he’s whim-prone, as much as stede is for immediately changing himself for the sake of feeling good about himself and admired by people. and right now he’s crashed from an incredible high - rebuilding his relationship with stede and the crew and becoming the person he wants to be - to an incredible low - suddenly feeling out of place again and that who he wants to be doesn’t fit with stede.

and to his mind that means of course stede is going to grow tired of him. he’s going to leave him again. if they had a proper conversation, which i hope they will, ed would realise this isn’t true. but as someone who suffers from extreme anxiety i recognise that thought pattern building, and it’s had time to build and fester inside ed’s brain because while stede has been basking in his fame, ed has been alone with his thoughts. and now those niggling fears have in his mind turned to absolute unwavering truths - that he is not good enough for stede bonnet anymore. that stede does not need him. and so he must leave before he gets left, as he cannot go through that heartbreak again.

there is probably a better way to word this and i am aroace and know nothing about relationships so bear that in mind but to everyone panicking about david pulling a good omens on us, it’s much less likely to happen. they just need to communicate, and hopefully realise that being with each other is what allows them to grow as people. their relationship is what helps them become the person they both want to be, not superficial fame or emotionally distancing themselves for what they perceive to be as for their own good.

tl;dr - there is still hope for stede and ed’s relationship to turn out happy and healthy by the end of this season. keep your hopes up, fandom. it’s not over yet, and their relationship is far from ruined forever.