#i havent spoken to most of the people i was friends with in high school in 4 years and i only graduated 4.5 years ago

[ispyspookymansion]

no nuance option for well sort of kind of we’re friendly!!!!! make your own call on what you define friend as

[whatiwillsay]

yoooo have you come across and/or spoken about this? its from 'beyond the blinds' pod on the glee ep, havent heard the ep but this comment very very fascinating - Julia Paratore commented - Here’s some Diana and Taylor tea. My friend went to high school with Diana, there still good friends. He spent a lot of time with the Glee cast during early years. He said Diana was more similar to Skank Quinn era during high school ha ha. He also confirmed Diana dated Taylor during glee, (contd)

lol no. i think kelli brought this to our gc and i shared this with her but yeah this is all dumb and wrong.

dianna and taylor had never even met when dianna wore the likes girls shirt so this is all easily debunked but it's also very public info that dianna was nothing like "skank quinn" in high school. her family was very conservative (not like politically but just religious and uptight) and dianna dressed and acted the part for the most part. she was a goodie two shoes and a theater nerd.

i'd believe the coke story because yeah ofc the whole cast was doing all sorts of drugs and fighting and being insane all the time and that's via their own words but the other stuff is all debunked with public info. people just get on the internet and say anything (or this person got trolled by their friend).

✨evidence based gossip✨

[uniformbravo]

it's nanowrimo & i havent touched my wip since last year so im gonna reread it all rn to jog my memory lets goooo

-

"And so, class, as you can see, blah blah blah…"

Silan wasn't listening, so neither should you have to.

i didn't know how to start it skjfdkngkf

-

goes on for several paragraphs about why he wasnt paying attention, making up a bunch of bullshit about him being sooooo sleeby bc he watched a horror movie last night & then couldn't sleep, fascinating stuff

-

So no, he wasn't listening to the lesson going on at the front of the room, nor was he prepared in the very least to be called on suddenly.

"Silan, what's your answer to number fifteen?"

Like a bucket of ice water was sitting upright on the ground beside him instead of upturned over his head, Silan's brain fog persisted as he struggled to catch up with the moment.

ok fine the ice bucket line is kinda funny im here to subvert ur expectations not unlike a mime thats allowed to say fuck

-

"Y equals seven…?" he guessed, understanding completely as he said it that it definitely would have been better to just say "I don't know," or "Could you repeat that?" or even "Sorry, I didn't sleep well because I watched a horror movie before bed and was too scared to fall asleep for hours and now I can't focus because I'm so tired, so I honestly have no idea what's going on right now."

As it was, his actual answer garnered a few laughs scattered around the room, from people who'd given Silan way too much credit and assumed it was a very intentional joke. He couldn't look his teacher in the eye, that knowing gaze piercing right through him as if to say, "You may have fooled them, but not me. I know that was a real attempt at an answer, and I am disappointed in you on multiple levels. I'll see you in my office and also you have detention forever."

What he actually said was, "Mr. Scott, this is a Biology class."

CHRIST i take it back im a comedic genius

-

Chris is A Dude in Silan's class, but he's so much more than that; sports ball player man, wearer of varsity jackets and knee-length shorts of all varieties, copier of his friends' homework whenever one of them has actually done it on time… He truly is just Some Guy, but to Silan? He is The Guy.

WHAT are u fuckin TALKING ABOUT HELLO

-

If Silan himself were to be the one to describe Chris, that paragraph would have probably gone a lot more like: Chris is on the baseball team, so he's fairly muscular; he has a sharp, square jaw and dark brown hair that's not quite long enough to submit to gravity just yet, so it sticks up and looks just sooo fluffy and soft (do you think he lets anyone touch it?). He's never actually grown a beard but he does have stubble across his chin and jaw that suits him extremely well. His eyes are brown and his skin is a natural tan and it all suits him perfectly and he's hot okay. He's hot.

Silan is gay.

and he is being sooo normal about chris

-

They'd only ever spoken a total of two times; once when Chris had gotten the rows confused on a day he'd seemed particularly groggy (this class ran from 10:45 to 12:15 and was the one right before lunch, though, so it was beyond Silan what exactly had put him in such a state) ((I'm the author though, so I know exactly what it was, and it's that he'd been out nearly all night with his friends to the subsequent dismay and rage of his parents, and his request to stay home from school the next day was vehemently denied)),

this is fucking unhinged. publish me right now

-

That had been just a few weeks ago; the other time was last year (junior year, or 11th grade, or year 3 out of 4 of high school, whatever makes the most sense to those unacquainted with the American school system) in April and I will tell you more about it later.

FUCKING HELLO

-

It was the urge to doodle their initials in a heart together in the margins of his notebook like… like some kind of lovesick middle schooler (not that. He'd ever done that. In middle school,).

silan would never

-

The combination made him want to launch himself directly out the window, had one existed (the only windows were over by the door, which Silan sat pretty much across the room from).

He was kinda fucked.

tfw u cant throw urself out the window bc of ur school's evil fucked up floor plan

-

Rhoden, while still fairly small for his age, definitely isn't the same kid Silan met back then. There's a maturity to his jaw, his brow, that he's really come into since, and his voice has deepened considerably; anyone who might still initially mistake him for a much younger boy would be instantly enlightened the second he opened his mouth. And then they'd have to figure out how to politely decline a spontaneous interview proposal from a guy they'd thought was twelve two seconds ago.

when u get within a certain radius of him a giant health bar appears at the top of the screen & boss music starts playing

-

Today, though, was a photography day.

They were always Silan's favorites. He did enjoy his other tasks, in general, but none of them were as fun or freeing as photography.

It made him look at the world around him differently. Taking such a wide expanse of possibility and narrowing it down to that one perfect shot; knowing where to look and how to find potential. It was capturing a moment, but not just that; it was turning a moment, even the smallest, mundanest occurrence, into something timeless- into something special.

(And, of course, there were other perks to the job, but we'll get to those later.)

i am 100% certain said "perks" are getting to Observe chris at baseball practice which is a very funny juxtaposition to the previous paragraph

"photography is a timeless art form, truly nothing as magical or poignant could ever exist.... also i get to look at hot boys cha-CHING"

-

"Silan," she called out now in lieu of a team name, since the work of a photographer was mostly individual.

"I'm, uh, shooting baseball practice today."

😏

-

A few short minutes later, Silan was signing off for the club's camera, which he needed permission for every time. This was one of Mrs. Springet's few roles as an advisor, to make sure the camera wasn't being stolen. It was a nice camera, to be fair.

Oh To Steal The Journalism Club's Nice Camera

-

While Chaulden High did have a football team, the undisputed star of the show was the baseball team; with a coach that led them to victory time and time again, it wasn't hard to see why.

As such, the New Moon always made sure to leave room for a section on the team, even going as far as establishing a series they ran every year called "Dug-Ins & Outs," in which various members of the team were interviewed.

ok still proud of that title TBH

-

Which meant Silan was often sent to obtain shots of the team, which was no problem. Less than no problem. He was pretty fine with it, actually. Perhaps even looked forward to it, some might say.

Because Silan was definitely interested in the team, as a whole, all twenty-six members. All of them, and not a single one more than the rest. He would never single a specific member out to accidentally focus 90% of his attention on. That would be ridiculous, and highly unprofessional of him. Perish the thought.

…

So uh. Chris is on the baseball team,

cups hands around mouth fucken NERD

-

The coach, Mr. Wendell, stood with a clipboard tucked under his arm by the dugout, clapping and calling out to members who were lagging behind in the group of joggers. He always made Silan nervous, if he were honest. He was something of a hardass, with high expectations for his team and a grueling training regimen he held them all to. He had a loud voice and a firm handshake, was broad shouldered and tall, and if Silan weren't so intimidated by him he might even find him [REDACTED].

OK ALRIGHT CALM DOWN THERE BUDDY

-

CRASH!

Just as he clicked the shutter the chain-link fence behind him exploded into sound and he jumped violently, sending all of the birds flying. Heart pounding, he sat up and turned around to figure out what the hell that was.

On the other side of the fence was one of the team members leaning down to scoop up the offending ball as the coach's voice echoed across the field, "Stop fucking around, Neely!"

fucking Neely

-

It took him a good five or six more minutes to calm down, sitting there in the grass and pretending to flip through photos on his camera. This time he made sure to face the fence to avoid a repeat scenario- because of course, Silan was known to have the reflexes of a tiger and wouldn't even flinch were another ball to come hurling at the fence.

jotting this down in my Extremely True Silan Facts notebook

-

He sat on the very top row and zoomed in on the players, scattered across the field. The fence still sat between him and the rest of them, reaching high for maximum audience-shielding ability, so he decided to see how many of the players' heads he could frame perfectly within the open links in a single shot.

His average came out to about four, mostly because it was basically impossible to keep track of any more than that at once, but he did manage to get one with six on accident, so that was pretty neat. It didn't help that they were all constantly moving around- Silan probably would have had more luck trying this with the birds.

He spent about another twenty minutes doing this, occasionally moving to other parts of the bleachers for different angles to see if they made any difference (they didn't; the lower he went the wider the holes got but also the closer together the player's heads became, so it balanced out), before the main event, as far as he was concerned, finally began: batting.

silan: boy oh boy i can't wait to take pictures of the baseball team!!!

also silan: does this bullshit

-

Everyone knew baseball players looked coolest and most iconic when at bat, and anyone who disagreed was simply wrong (second best was pitching, third was sliding). Silan's opinion on this was in no way swayed by visuals of Chris that may or may not have been burned into his memory.

Evidence:

[three pictures of a batter, a pitcher, and a sliding athlete respectively side-by-side, the batter obviously being the coolest most hyped up one with dynamic lighting and stuff, whereas the pitcher and the slider are intentionally lame, like cheap-looking clip art or pictures where they're making really ugly faces]

im gonna lose my fuckin shit (no theres no actual pictures this was just a place holder for when i eventually found & inserted them which i was absolutely planning on doing)

-

He stayed on the other side of the fence, lest a stray ball hit him (or worse, the camera)

TRU

-

He was tall (he had several inches on Silan and a good few on Chris), and he was slender and lean and really quite handsome in general. His thick, curly black hair was neatly shaved close to his head and the corners of his jaw were pleasantly pronounced.

Not that Silan could see any of that from this distance, especially with the helmet obscuring most of it. But as a member of the newspaper club these were things he had to know. For professional reasons.

i believe him

-

He should have been adjusting his position to line up the perfect shot, but it was hard not to watch as Chris rose up on one foot, twisting his torso with his arms raised and clutching the ball- then sprung into action by slamming his foot back down into the dirt and following the momentum with his upper body, arm arcing into a powerful throw. A split second after Silan saw the ball hit the backboard he heard the noise, a loud, solid smack!

God. God.

SCREAMS ALRIGHT SILAN CALM DOWN FKFSKGNKSDJFKD

-

"Make sure you're getting my good side, yeah?" He joked, grinning and striking a stupid pose.

silan watching chris: beautiful. flawless. show stopping. groundbreaking. so so hot and sexy hehehauhaoehemeheuenana

silan watching lucas: clown ass motherfucker striking his goofy ass POSE what an idiot 000/10

-

"Yo," Devon greeted as he pulled himself to his feet, flashing his hand in a pseudo wave.

"H-hi," Silan answered haltingly, heart beating a little fast from the maneuver he'd just had to pull. Devon offered what Silan could only describe as a dashing grin before turning his attention back towards home.

hee hee hee hiiiiiii devonnnn *twirls hair* (silan impression)

-

They rarely talked but Devon had always come off as a nice guy with a friendly vibe. He'd certainly never referred to the newspaper club as Mooners- not that Silan had heard, anyway. Though it wouldn't be such a big deal if he did, since the nickname was pretty widespread at this point. But it was nice that he didn't.

Also, he really was quite handsome.

this would have been a very different story had silan gone for devon instead of chris, devon would NEVER pull the shit chris is about to pull in this story fksndkjfdkjg he doesn't even call them mooners 😭

(school newspaper is called the new moon so people call the club members new mooners, an extremely clever & funny joke that i came up with myself)

-

(ok context, silan was gonna take a pic of chris sliding (the team's doing this whole exercise where they alternate from pitching to hitting to sliding) but bc he was so focused on getting the shot he didn't realize the ball was headed right for him so chris collided w him trying to intercept it)

Silan turned around, seeing the coach standing with his arms crossed as Chris examined his elbow. He looked up when Silan moved.

"Thank Christ. That was stupid as hell, you both could've gotten way more hurt." He hadn't even checked if Silan had been injured. "Jumping over another guy like that. We're not a goddamn gymnastics routine."

"But I caught the ball," Chris grinned, holding it up and waggling it around. Silan immediately had to stop himself from asking if he could have it.

LMAO SILAN???????????? DOWN SO FUCKING BAD

-

As he walked off herding the team away, Chris stepped closer to Silan, instantly setting his heartbeat into overdrive, more than it already was.

"Your shoulder okay?" he asked with a gesture towards the shoulder in question, and Silan just about passed away on the spot.

when he checks if ur ok after he ran u the fuck over 😍😍😍

-

Then he looked to the left, in the direction Chris had tossed the ball just a minute ago, at the spot in the grass it had rolled to a stop.

The backboard of the catcher's box announced another missed swing, and Silan picked up the ball, examining it.

The object that had ruined his perfect shot. That had come careening directly towards Silan's head (or worse, the camera). That had resulted in the disastrous collision and subsequent injuries of Chris and Silan. That had wasted precious minutes of Coach Wendell's perfectly scheduled practice regimen.

He tucked it neatly away into his hoodie's front pocket and took a seat on the grass right where it had been.

STOLE THE FUCKING BASEBALL this is unhinged behavior and also exactly the kinda shit i would've pulled in high school 10/10

---

uhhhhhh that was chapter 1 and i feel i should perhaps stop here for now since this is getting like way longer than i thought it would lfksndlfmdkgj the whole thing is like. 30k ish words? i feel like i wrote about 3 or 4 chapters

i like. shoulda done this shit a few days ago so i could start writing again today (the 1st) but i was too busy drawing heehee uhhh whoopsieee >w<

its ok its fine this year i will make it to 50k easy peasy dont even worry abt it ;3 i will definitely not go back to drawing today that would be sooooooo silly and goofy of me hahaha :)

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

sometime in this last week, or this week coming, my blog has turned/turns 10. god. a decade old. a whole ass chunk of my life i’ve spent on this hellsite. when i began on here, i was a kid. a lost, lonely, depressed and anxious 15/16 year old kid. a kid scared of her future. a kid confused about her future. what to do for uni. to change schools or not??? to do drama/acting at uni or english/philosophy or to move 8hrs away to another regional uni to “escape” her “washed up, dead end hometown” that was so typical of all the pop-punk music that she was listening to at the time.

she was a tad overdramatic, loud, “funny” (as described by her school friends) and terribly forgetful in regards to homework and school assignments. she was angry at the world, most especially the catholic school she was fucking sick and tired of attending. but she was convinced that since she was the so-called “funny girl”, that she simply couldn’t be depressed or anxious. she believed herself unloveable because she didn’t look like a weird mixture of hayley williams and emo-pop queen lights. but now, i no longer believe that i have to look like the women that i looked up to in the ~emo scene~. fuck beauty standards. i am loveable.

in the years since joining tumblr, i’ve managed to get through business college, my undergrad degree and, well, failed out of postgrad due to obvious burnout and health issues amongst other things. although i’ve lost many friends irl and many followers/mutuals online on here. for those who’ve stuck around to see me get through all of this, thank you. to all the friends/casual mutuals that have since deactivated or only followed me for a short time then unfollowed; thank you.

like obviously i was never/have never been a massive popular blog on here, like thebootydiaries or vampireapologist (who has since deactivated a couple of months ago) with tens of thousands of followers. my follower count is still close to the 8,000 range at 7,892. obviously that’s still a lot of people (and of course, porn bots lmao and many, many non-active blogs), enough like one super old post from like 2012 tumblr pointed out, enough for a small to medium sized city or town, or something like that. i don’t know how many people i’ve really reached. i really don’t know how i actually amassed this small army of people.

i am aware though, that on other platforms like snapchat (lmao does anyone even use it anymore in 2021???)/instagram/youtube/tiktok etc, i’d PROBABLY be considered as some type of ~micro influencer (🤮���)~. hell, i actually had a bot slide into my notes about being one on here on this hellsite back in 2019. i don’t know if i’ve ever actually ~influenced~ anyone on here with my shitposts (when i started making some) or my personal posts. i don’t know my reach. even though, now, i do occasionally get featured on buzzfeed listicles (although pay me buzzfeed along with the OPs of those original embedded posts), i still don’t know how many people i’ve reached… and even with my very occasional checks of google analytics lmao. on top of this, grappling with the loss of followers at times is much, much easier than it was when i began on here and the first few years following that. i know that my follower count doesn’t determine my worth and stuff.

but over these 10 years, i have grown. i turn 26 this year. back in 2011, 15/16yo me never thought she’d be here. she was partially down the suicidal thoughts hole, with things about ~picturing her funeral and wondering who’d bother to turn up. if only she could pretend to be dead for a day to see who’d give a fuck~ and 16-18yo me was defs down it with her HSC hellscape thoughts in 2012/2013. that 3rd floor tafe/tech women’s bathroom window drop and the thought of scarring her class for life (and that cool dude from catholic school that she crushed on who ended up at tafe with her) with jumping out of it onto the concrete below. instead, she just posted on fb about ~being a failure~ etc which ultimately did lose her a bunch of facebook friends lmao. it was practically the same thing. her mental breakdown after the end of her hsc, where she let her earrings go green and get infected in her ears because “fuck self care, bc what the fuck is it??? i’ll never get better! let me fucking wallow in my self loathing bc it’s the only thing that i’m fucking good at!!!” so i no longer have my ears pierced. oh! it was just all too fucking much!!

i am happier today. i no longer have those semi-suicidal thoughts. hell, i almost died in 2020 from a fucking bowel aneurysm, after my stomach tumour excision surgery. that forced me to put things into perspective. i appreciate the little things . i appreciate the very few friends that i actually have. yes. i’m still depressed and anxious. some days are still shitty and hard. but nowhere as hard and shitty as they were back when i began on here 10 years ago.

how the fuck last 10 years have gone past, with my ass on here; clearing out my blog and caring more about doing that than my uni work (lmao whoops); having made some lifelong friends both internationally (from the US) and long distance domestically in australia, it’s been a long ride; i honestly have no fucking idea. obviously over these past 10 years, i’ve debated with myself over and over and over again whether i should delete/deactivate this account or not. would it make me healthier??? more than likely. but then when i have meltdowns or just inner ramblings i have to get out somewhere, where else to post??? on fb?? obvs not. it’s “attention seeking” or the like on there. no one will read them. no one will resonate. but on here??? even if i got/get one “like” in the notes or one “yo i feel this” response in the tags or replies, it feels like i’ve reached someone??? okay yeah. i know this place IS NOT therapy and i’m not using my followers as amateur (or probs even actual professional) armchair psychologists…. which is a thing i think people need to stop doing internet-wide: but that’s a whole other post that i reblogged a few days ago lmao. i really need to get another therapist, actually lmao.

but it’s the community i’ve found hard to leave. i have what feel like friends, when i’ve never been employed (still as of yet); and when all of my irl friends/acquaintances are working and doing the whole ~adulting~ and ~grown up life~ thing right. it’s also the frenzied rabidness of spite with hating staff’s godawful ideas. the memes. oh the memes. and also the RaWrInG 20s XD emo scene reemergence on here that’s kept me here. the messy petty drama from time to time of big blogs fighting it out.

this place really is bizarre and fun sometimes. and also the fact that i can still hide behind the ridiculous “roaring pikachu” URL that i made all those years ago. i am anonymous. it’s freeing. but on fb it’s all like “WHY WONT YOU ADD A BANNER IMAGE AND TELL US 20 FUN FACTS ABOUT YOU!!!!!???? LET PEOPLE WHO HAVENT SPOKEN TO YOU IN 10 YEARS KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU BECAUSE WE’RE ALL FRIENDS HERE!!!” and the same goes for Corporate Hellscape Facebook™️ (linkedin) but in the professional sense instead. y’all know fuck all about me really. besides my posts. and i love that and live for that. okay yeah. y’all know more about my mental health than my fb feed obvs… which is probably a terribly unfortunate thing. but still.

over the last 10 years then, my superiority complex for being ~so original and intelligent~ or whatever the fuck i had in high school, has all but ebbed away. i’m not that smart just because i went to uni. hell, i literally did NONE of my in-class work and none of my philosophy readings in uni….. so i have fuck all idea of how i got through undergrad like that lmao. i’m not original when so many people can articulate the same thoughts that i have, but like, sometimes better, on a post (even though sometimes/most of the time the Tumblr User Hot Takes Tuesday™️ takes on here are fucking awful lmao). but still. originality is not something i really have anymore. or really had in the first place lmao.

so will i deactivate after these 10 years, like i’ve been saying for so, so long??? i honestly have no idea. but just know. thanks guise. have a nice gpoy selfie day XD. grab your wands. your tardises. grab your war paint. grab your whatever the fuck other fandom specific stuff that was one that hella cringe post from 2011 til 2015 random tumblr. that relic is as old as time itself. just as this mysterious roaring pikachu is for someone whose too loyal to leave this W E B B E D H E L L S I T E that’s just as much of a train wreck as she is. lmao.

[awkwxrdapple]

“I’m Ok” - Peter Parker (Soulmate AU) Imagine

Summary: When Peter falls through the reader’s window, hurt and wearing the Spiderman suit, the reader learns two things. One that Peter Parker is Spiderman, and the other that she has a soulmate. (The lore of this specific soulmate AU is explained in the imagine :))

Word Count: 2.2k 

Warnings: Mentions of blood (Peter is hurt) 

Peter had gone missing again.

How he managed to skip so much class, and still remain at the top, astounded you. Yes, you were at Midtown too, so were naturally clever and bright, but you found you still had to put the effort in with studying to make sure you had the grades you wanted.  

He should have been in Physics with you this period. But his seat behind you was empty. You tried to focus on the practical that was part of your final grade, but you kept wondering and worrying, where Peter was. Why was he skipping class? His enthusiasm for learning has always been obvious throughout the time you'd been friends with him. Ever since the first day of high school when you'd both gone for the same seat in Math class, and he conceded graciously and let you take it, moving for a seat further back in the classroom. It was a weird encounter, rather awkward but at the same time... cute? You and him had become friends, along with Ned. Peter and Ned were very close, as you would expect two male best friends to be, but you and Peter were also close in your own way too. You couldn't imagine high school without him. And now, yet again, you were staring at his vacant seat.

After that period had finished, you found Ned at his locker in the hallway. He had Spanish with Peter next, so maybe he knew something. Maybe he knew that Peter would be back. You greeted him normally and then hit him with the question at hand.

"Ned have you seen Peter today?"

"Yeah I did first thing this morning, but I havent since. Why?" He asked, swapping a textbook from his locker to his bag.

"He wasn't in Physics." You state. "He's missing a lot these days. I'm worried about him."

You didn't mind admitting that. And you knew that probably Ned was too, if he didn't already know what was going on. But Ned's frown at what you had just said led you to believe that he knew as little as you did.

"I am too." He says, confirming your thoughts. "Whenever I ask him about it though, he just says he needs time off sometime. And he doesn't seem upset by anything, so I hope everything is fine."

You hoped everything was fine too. But this time you don't say it, just ponder silently on what Ned's said. You agree that Peter doesn't seem upset at all. If anything, he seems to have more energy. He still looks tired from time to time, but he seems to have more bounce in his step. Like he's been exercising more or something. Maybe that's what it is, Peter's decided he doesn't want to sit in a classroom for hours on end even though he enjoys learning, and that he'd rather be out running or something.

"Anyway, I'll see you later Y/N." Ned says with a smile, and trots off behind you to Spanish. You turn to your locker after watching him leave, and pull you gym bag from it. You go straight to the changing rooms as you might already be late after talking to Ned. As you expected, you are, as the changing rooms are deserted as everyone seems to already be in the gym.

Throwing your bag down onto the bench in front of your other locker, you realise how much time you had spent today thinking about Peter. You thought you were just worried about where he was, so you tried to stop worrying. But telling yourself to stop worrying was like telling a giraffe to stop being incredibly tall.

You pull off the shirt you were wearing and folded it to put into your locker. You caught a brief glimpse of your reflection in the mirror in the door. Your hair was already tied up off your face, you preferred it that way, made it more practical. But on your chest, right over your heart, were two words etched into your skin.

Soul-marks appeared sometime during childhood. No-one had yet worked out why, or when exactly they would appear for each person. It seemed to be random in timing, and showed no distinct pattern. Yours had appeared a few days after your eight birthday. You had overheard your parents discussing it one evening when they thought you were in bed. Neither could work out why then, and as you had yours so young, you didn't really notice it for most of the time.

They are sentences, or words, that are spoken by your soulmate to you, at the moment you realise you're in love with them. You're meant to know instantly that they're the one, apparently you just know.

Yours was staring back at you now in the mirror of your locker.

I'm ok.

You had always thought that was an odd mark, not that you had seen many others. People generally tended to keep theirs private, like it was a sacred thing that should only be shared between them and their soulmate, which you has figured made sense. But you had heard of peoples being their names, or lucky for others, their soulmates names. Some were dull sentences, some were peculiar.

You finished changing by pulling the shirt over your head and down your chest to cover your mark, and headed into the gym.

The rest of the day went fairly quickly considering your mind was wandering elsewhere. You tried to focus on the rest of your lessons but nothing was going in like it normally does. You couldn't throw yourself properly into anything.

As soon as the final bell of the day went, you started home and sent Peter a few texts on your way. You asked if he was ok, and if did need anything, that you would want to help.

You received no reply. You had eaten dinner and had studied for hours and nothing had come back from him. You hoped he wasn't sick. But it was unlike Peter to be sick. You kept trying to think of reasons but you just ended up going round and round in circles.

The sun had set over the buildings by the time you stopped working. The sky had turned an inky blue , but not black, the sky never turned black properly in New York because of all the lights. You had been so engrossed that you hadn't shut your curtains. Closing your textbooks and stacking them neatly again, you walked over to do so. But as you reached up something, or someone, fell to cling onto your windowpane.

You let out a strangled yelp before seeing who was there. You fumbled quickly with the lock on the window to open it. Peter was hauling himself up to sit precariously on your window sill... in the Spiderman suit.

Even though it was fairly dark, you could see he was injured. He really didn't look good. He didn't have the mask on, Peter is Spiderman... and he was clutching it in his hand. He had dirt all over him.

"Peter?!" To say you were shocked was an understatement. And you heard it evident in your voice. You could hear how startled and concerned you were.

He rolled off your window sill and landed on the floor with a loud thud. You winced because you hoped you parents didn't hear and then come to investigate, and also did Peter just hurt himself more? He already seemed so battered. Him falling literally through your window won't do him any favours.

He lay on your floor his facial features contorted into a grimace, showing you how much pain he was in. He was clutching his left shoulder with his right hand. Now he was in the light of your room, you could see a faint trickle of blood was seeping from under his collar bone there too, as well as half his suit being torn away from his skin. The initial shock of Peter being Spiderman has dissipated. You had no time to worry about that now because of his current condition. You could talk to him about that later. Right now, he needed your help.

You leant down onto the floor next to him, and carefully moved his right hand to further down his body so you could have a better look at what you were dealing with. You started to a feel an unfamiliar burning sensation in your chest, which you quickly realised was emotional pain for Peter being so hurt. It physically hurt you to see him in so much pain. You couldn't bare to look at his face as it just reminded you of that. So you kept focused on your task.

His suit was pealing away from itself and him. Leaving open to the air a flesh wound seeping blood slowly, which was good all things considered as it didn't look too deep. The blood could have been coming out much faster. And it was seeming to stop as if it had already begun clotting quickly to seal the wound. The skin that wasn't covered in blood, was bruised purple, which you guessed was causing Peter most of the pain.

"I need to get to you shoulder." You said as gently and softly as you could. You wanted Peter to trust you and allow you to care for him. But seen as he had turned up at your window, you hoped he already did.

You went to carefully remove some of the torn suit to get a better look when Peter spoke.

"I'm ok." He said, voice cracked from the pain he was experiencing, but it was so soft, and vulnerable.

Before he had even finished speaking you felt it. A strong surge of energy flowing right through your body, and coming to rest in your chest, right where you heart was. You looked at Peter now, looking straight into his eyes as you simultaneously felt ecstatic, and calm at the same time.

You loved Peter Parker. Peter Parker is your soulmate.

"Y/N?" He asked, his voice now full of concern for you.

"I..." You couldn't get any words out. You didn't even know what you wanted to say. He was lying bleeding and hurt on your floor and you couldn't exactly turn around and say, "I've just worked out that I love you."

You hand instinctively goes to your chest, your fingers lightly touching the words above your heart. You didn't even realise you had done it until Peter looked down to where your hand had come to rest. His eyes widened as he clocked what you'd done. He wasn't stupid.  

"Y/N..." He said again but this time it wasn't a question. It was tender, with the concern still there.

You sat in silence. Both of you working out what to say to the other one. But you were both thinking the same. You both knew what had just happened. The pleasant buzz of energy still hadn't left you, making you feel high on it. It you weren't so overwhelmed you would have probably been grinning.

It was Peter who broke the silence.

"I have something to show you."

In one swift movement he lifted himself up on his better arm to sit facing you, and touched where you had been touching his suit. He very carefully tore more of the suit to show more of the skin on his chest, until four words were visible for you to see.

Sorry, you take it.

"Peter they're-"

"The first words you ever said to me, yes." He finishes for you, a light blush appearing on his cheeks. They're the words you said to Peter when you both went for the same seat in your first ever class together.

You're stunned into silence as it clicks into place in your head what this means. Peter loved you, since the very first time you met.

You sit back from him as your weight shifts so you're now properly sitting onto the floor. You hadn't realised that your had been sitting uncomfortably because of everything that was happening.

Peter loves you.

You love Peter.

This is what he's doing instead of being in class. He's Spiderman.

A soft, but forceful pair of lips on yours pulls you out of your thoughts. Peter kisses you like it's the last thing he will ever do on this Earth. And you kiss him back with just as much feeling.

Maybe you had always been in love with Peter. You had only just realised tonight though that you were. It took him falling through your window for you to realise that. It was just that final push of seeing him hurt and at his most vulnerable that made you see how you truly felt. Why you were so worried about him not being at school.

Peter has pulled you gently towards his lap, so you're half sitting on him and so your bodies are unbelievably close. You know you're getting dirty - but you don't care. Nothing else matters now. You've found a soulmate in your best friend, and you're currently kissing him. And it's an amazing kiss.

You stop kissing him for a second to rest your forehead on his and just to take in what's happening.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that." He says breathlessly.

But you think you do. You now know everything. And everything is clicking into place.

Masterlist

[nebulaeic]

been thinking a lot about the small but very impactful ways friends and people have impacted my life and behavior. (im just listing things important to me, @newmeganito mordred you come up a lot fdslkg)

the song that comes on my playlist that i listened to and was inclined to like because a friend commented that it was their most listened to song at one point (bastilles what you gonna do mentioned by mordred that i bought and listened to a lot), my favorite song being one i was recommended by a friend when i wanted his advice on where to start getting into mcr songs in my first year of high school, songs that i took more seriously just because a friend expressed liking it (drama by ajr was called out by a friend when i brought up the band), the trinkets i have related to practicing magic that i know about because i have friends (mordred again) who reblogged posts on witchcraft and talked about their practice, the little amethyst pendant mordred got us years ago that when the string on the necklace broke after we wore it constantly we tied to a sketchbook that we still have that probably impacted our fondness for amethyst pendants, videogames that we have or want because we remembered friends recommending them or talking about them (i got dead cells because we remembered mordred talking about the protag a few times as well as going back to playing transistor bc of mordred talking about it (plus hyper light drifter), we got hollow knight because anna loves it, decided to get skyrim because adrian recommended it, etc etc etc,) just, a lot of things. i could list h*me/stuck here from middle school friends getting me into it, the style of hair i have, the types of symbolism i enjoy (eyes, angelic stuff, creatures, aspects of horror), animals i like (including mushrooms, falcons, many birds, lizards, insects, sea creatures), even learning a lot about mental health and a lot of different things in that field, getting interested in learning about biology again, exploring my otherkin/fictionkin identities and nonhumanity, exploring my gender and sexuality, my plurality, words i use heck my favorite colors, just. im a mosaic of things from the people i love and i want them to know how much it means to me and how much youve impacted me. anyways like. even people i dont consider being people i neccessarily love but who were important to me and even people i havent spoken to in years i still hold pieces of them. anyway introspection closing now ive said too much anyways but. yeah.

[bxthharmon]

Through the Ages || JJ Maybank x Routledge!Reader

Words: 1870

Warnings: Super toxic relationship, underage drinking, smoking, weed

Summary: The development of your relationship with JJ, from when your first met aged eight to adult life, MAJOR ANGST

A/N: okay i know i havent written anything in WEEKS but im watching obx and im obsessed... i really wasn’t expecting this to take such a dark turn?? contact me if you wanna request anything or make friends :)

masterlist

8 years

You’re eight and when you meet John in front of the school to walk home, he has a friend. You know your brother’s friends - most of them, at least - but this boy is new. He is tanned and blonde and tall for his age, and a girl in your class had told you about how he’s always getting into small playground scraps. You eye each other warily on the way home, your brother between you, oblivious to the hostility. 

It wasn’t that you didn’t like him - how could you dislike someone you knew nothing about? - it was that John had promised to stop bringing his friends on the way home, because he would end up ignoring you, and now there was a friend walking with them. 

When the boy finally leaves, John looks at you as if he forgot you were there. You watch as the boy goes through the front door, catching a glimpse of a dark, cluttered house. You wonder where his parents are. 

John coaxes you into a race - who can get home first - and he wins. He always wins. A year older, stronger, faster. Your dad greets you, asking about your days, and laughing as you complain about how John ignored you on the way home.

The next week, the boy walks with you again. His name is JJ, and he’s funny. He gives you a twinkie as a peace offering, saying that he wants to walk with you and John from now on. You shrugged, and took the twinkie, telling him it was for the food, and only the food.

11 years

You’re eleven, in your first year of middle school, and you and John ride home from school everyday on your bikes. On the days when you’re not surfing or hanging out with friends, you cycle home with John, JJ and a new member of the gang, Pope. You and JJ, while still at a twinkie-incited truce, are growing more competitive and show-offish around each other. You race your bikes to his, and if you stop at the corner store on the way home, you see who can chug their cola faster. John fights with you when you get home because they’re “his friends, not yours!”

You have your own friends, and sometimes you cross with your brother’s friends in town, sass thrown between the groups like a tennis rally, the twinkie-truce fading into the past. You can’t stand the tall blonde surfer, but you can’t wait to argue with him on your way home from school.

14 years

You’re fourteen, and after a year long break from your brother’s friends, you’re, once again, at the same school. You’ve changed, filled out more over the last year, puberty having hit you like a tonne of bricks since you last hung out. The three pogues now have one female friend, Kiara, and you become fast friends. You can tell your brother has a thing for her, and you wonder if he’ll ever bring her home to meet your dad. 

JJ sees you differently now. You seem less like the eight year old he met six years ago, but you’re still very much yourself. He pulls your ponytail as you pass him in the hallways at school, and you flip him off in return. You sometimes go to the same parties, and your drinking races have switched from cola to beer. John hates you being at parties, claiming your too young to drink or party, as if he wasn’t the year before. John can see how JJ looks at you, and he hates it. He hates seeing how guys look at you now, how they flirt, hit on and catcall his baby sister. He also hates how in your efforts to compete with JJ, you get into fights and run your mouth. He hates how JJ shows off around you, and vice versa. 

Despite his frustrations with JJ, he’s also the only guy who’ll stand up for you when you or John can’t do it yourselves. He hopes you don’t grow up too quickly, and he knows that his friends will always have your back, so he’s not worried. 

15 years

You’re fifteen, and you go to a kegger for the first time. You get drunk quickly, flirting with too many guys and giggling at every little thing. You share a blunt with JJ, and the pair of you practically piss yourselves with laughter when John tries to reprimand you. The night is fun, and you can’t wait for the next one. 

The next one is much worse. You’re one or two drinks in when you see JJ flirting with a touron. In retrospect, that’s probably when you first noticed your feelings, but at the time you have no idea why you’re so angry about it. By the end of the night, you’ve had half a bottle of vodka and two spliffs, and you’re way far gone. You might even have blacked out - but all you remember is the pure rage, and how you spent ten minutes throwing up by the front porch when you got home. 

You saw JJ the next day, and you’re both hungover. He checks on you, and neither of you really understand why you’re so cold towards him, but he leaves pretty quickly.

You cry that night.

16 years

You’re sixteen, and your dad is missing. You lost all your friends when you fell into a depression after it. Nine months later, and you feel happy again. You’re the final member of pogue crew, and you spend the summer surfing and swimming and settle into the routine of summer. You surf first thing in the morning, as dawn breaks, often with JJ, competing over who’s a better surfer (he is). You spend your afternoons on the HMS Pogue, competing with JJ over who’s the better swimmer (you are). The group of you drink and smoke and live your best lives. On the days where you’re not on the boat, you work. 

You know you love JJ, and you flirt constantly. He kisses you at a kegger, barely twenty minutes before he pulls the gun on Topper. You have your first serious argument that night, and it ends with him kissing you.

You wear your heart on your sleeve, and assure him you love him. He doesn’t say it back, but he shows it. You learn about his Dad and his work and how he learnt to surf. You sneak around, and, miraculously, don’t get caught. 

16 ½ years

You’re sixteen and a half when John and Sarah go missing. Kie and Pope try to help, but you don’t pay them any attention. You and JJ struggle, with yourselves, each other, and your relationship. You’re on the rocks, you’re up against the wall. You don’t think you’ll last, and you fight constantly.

Your relationship is toxic, taking your own angers out on each other, fighting and screaming in each others faces only to make up for a honeymoon period that lasts a week, max, and the cycle repeats. You’re both miserable. 

17 years

You’re seventeen, and he breaks up with you. You were too alike - both too impulsive, angry, broken for it to ever work. You apply to out-of state colleges, hoping to escape the islands you used to love.

You wait for an acceptance letter, and watch as the people you call family try to rebuild their lives.

18 years

You’re eighteen, and you get the letter. UCLA, on the other side of the country. You say your goodbyes to Kie and Pope, and eventually, JJ.

He looks broken, when you tell him. He asks you what you’d do if John came back and you weren’t around, but you had resigned yourself to John’s death long ago. You fight one last time. You fuck one last time. You love one last time.

You wonder if you’ll ever return.

22 years

You’re twenty two, and you’ve got a degree. You fly home the day after graduation, and everything has changed.

Kie runs the Wreck now, and she gives you a free meal and you talk for hours when you first arrive. She invited you to her and Pope’s place. 

They have a nice place. Not on Figure Eight, but on that side of the island - Pope’s got a high earning job in marine biology research. They’re happy.

You smoke a blunt with Pope, for old time’s sake. He tells you to see JJ, and gives you a slip of paper with the address. You don’t know if you want to throw it into the ocean or treasure it forever. You do neither.

It takes you a week to psych yourself up to it, and then you knock on his door.

His house is small, but not tiny, not like his childhood home. He welcomes you in, a light in his eyes you hadn’t seen in years. He sits you down at the dinner table, and you take in the pictures on the mantel shelf, and the mementos stuck to the fridge. 

You see the ring on his finger.

You enter a state of stasis. You were sure he was it for you, but the circumstances were wrong and you were too immature. Right person, wrong time, or something along those lines. No, apparently not. He moved on, he built a life without you, a happier, healthier life.

His wife is lovely, everything you’re not. She’s patient and kind and soft-spoken, the opposite to him, bringing balance. She stabilises him, and gives him what he needs.

You think of how you would argue with him, the screaming, shouting, throwing plates and vases. Your love was so naive, but so passionate. Everything that happened while you were together, everything that went wrong, happened because your tempers and stubborn natures and impulsivity was destructive.

You fly back to California a week later. 

You sit on the plane and reminisce. The night you and JJ broke up, the house got wrecked. You had been standing inches apart, but screaming at the top of your lungs. You had lost your temper and overturned a table, smashing all the crockery left on it. He had thrown a vase at the wall, and you had fought until your voices broke and you were too tired and sore to keep throwing shit at walls and each other. You had sat next to each other, leaning on the wall by the front door, an uncharacteristic calm washing over you. 

You had looked at him, heart aching, and told him that you needed to split up. He had nodded, and eventually, the pair of you had drifted off to sleep, dreaming of a world where you could be together without all the hate in the way.

When you woke up in the morning, he was gone, but the mess had stayed. You had had to tiptoe over thousands of shards of broken crockery and glass to get to your room, a reminder of how you were destined to self-destruct. 

You watched out the window as the plane landed, and vowed never to return again. 

Outer Banks was no longer your home.

[taytei]

I saw your ace lesbian pride art of yourself and I was wondering how you explain it to people or how you came out? Obviously you dont have to answer and it's pretty personal but I came out as bi before I realized I was also ace and I dont know how to come out to everyone I've already come out to as bi if that makes sense? Or like explain to people that I'm still bi, I'm just also ace? I havent met anyone who identifies as ace and something else as well so I'm not sure who to talk to lol.

This got ... so lengthy, so I’m putting it under a read more - brace yourselves!

I had an inkling i’ve been ace since I was in high school. But because there was so much ... negativity attached to the term - and cause I’d been lead to believe that if you aren’t participating in all the “intimate couple things” when you’re in a relationship, is that really love? Is that a REAL relationship?

I’ve been in two long lasting relationships. One in high school with a guy - because I identified as Bi at the time and really wanted to at least say i’d had at least oNE relationship in high school - and then one with a girl during my sophomore year of college after I came to my discovery that “yeaaa guys ain’t my cup and i don’t know if they’ve ever been”. So I really only count the relationship with her because I started dating her because i genuinely liked and WANTED to date her.

But in both relationships - I never felt the need or tempted to do anything beyond hold their hand, cuddle and small kisses. That was it. And for a long time - I thought there was something wrong with me for not WANTING anything more, and for being uncomfortable whenever they had tried to step a bit further and I had to say “not yet”. Or the fact that I felt like i had to FORCE myself to take an extra step.

But then you do literally a LITTLE bit of research and see couples that are happy and content and long-lasting with either one or both of them being Ace, and they’re no less a couple than anyone else. (And that what I experience is only a PART of the ace spectrum shalkhglsa - my experience is definitely not what everyone else feels)

I didn’t really “come out” to people about being Ace - cause what me and my (future, hopefully) girlfriend do in our relationship isn’t really anyone’s business. I came out as lesbian though, because it was important to me that my family/friends knew men were officially off the table for me and to stop asking me if i had a boyfriend.

Discussing it with your partner is important though - to establish your boundaries. Some people may not have any interest in ANY of the physical stuff, but are comfortable engaging in it for their partner. And for some people it’s just not on the table at all - in which you and your partner can come to an understanding and compromise. Or ... sadly, it CAN be a deal breaker for some people, but you need to respect your own boundaries and make sure you feel safe and comfortable.

I have two friends that are a couple. One of which is Ace - the other is the most h o r n y person i have literally ever met. And they are basically the epitome of a cliche romance - I’ve never seen anyone as devoted and wrapped up in each other as those two. And that’s because they’re open to talking with each other and establishing their boundaries (obviously I don’t know the EXACT details but sahklhs)

But when people ask what I mean when I say “Ace Lesbian” or “How can you be ace if you’re a lesbian”, I usually say something like:

- “I want all the same things other couples do with a girlfriend. I want to hold her hand, cuddle, spend an absurd amount of time with her and probably adopt like 500 cats and dogs. Just because I don’t want to take a girl to bed doesn’t mean I don’t find her beautiful and amazing and want to potentially spend the rest of my life with her”.

if the only thing differentiating your relationship with your partner from everyone else is sex ... then I don’t know what to tell you buddy. In my mind, Feelings and attachments are the key to what makes a relationship a relationship. It’s the core of what makes that person different from everyone else in your life - everything else is just sprinkles on the cake.

Sorry this got so long sahkhlgsa - but it’s not a topic to glaze over. Asexuality is definitely something with many layers and finding where you fall is up to you.

A good way to word is that I can see a REALLY pretty girl from across the room, but I won’t think “man, I want to hold her hand” until after i’ve at least spoken to her ... god that still doesn’t clear things up but this is long enough!

[lothloriien]

Hi again, you said I could ask you questions about how to respectfully portray the muslim characters in my comic but my brain is dumb and as soon as I got permission to ask it forgot all my questions. So do you or your followers have any suggestions of things I should and shouldn't do? (Sorry, and thank you for helping)

oh hello again! sure thing, i got some basic pointers. im going to give you pointers for creating a character who is outwardly religious and inwardly religious as well. this is not to say that people who look religious always are, or that everyone who is religious also looks religious, but the fact is that any muslim portrayed as religious is usually oppressed or a terrorist, which is why it’s important to show religious muslims as good character

- don’t have a muslim with a story arc of them rejecting their “religious traditions” and “becoming free” and “walking away from oppression.” it’s an extremely islamophobic trope, and i can’t believe i actually have to say it, but it’s disrespectful to a religion to only portray characters who hate it. i understand that there are people who reject the religious traditions (almost all of which are actually cultural, and the rest of which are generally just taught wrong) and generally do feel as though they need to leave the religion. it happens with every religion. however when those are the only characters ever portrayed in the media, it needs to stop

- the trope of the oppressed hijabi finding love with a white guy and breaking the rules of her religion to date him because it’s ~true love~ needs to die. immediately. generally dating isn’t a thing done in our religion, not just culturally. for the most part, when you want to get married, you meet someone (usually through your friends/family, nowadays online is more popular too), you guys “court” like in a jane austen novel, then get married. it’s not difficult, and for the most part people don’t see it as a big deal

- generally i would stay away from a romance arc at all. dating is generally not done, and while yes people will do it, it’s an iffy topic. generally people try to remedy this by giving the muslim an arranged marriage love interest (see: rick riordan). this is even worse. they don’t need a love interest

- they’re usually not as close with the opposite gender. yes, again, some people are, but for example you have a hijabi character, she’s not going to take her hijab off in front of a guy because she “considers him family” (again, see: rick riordan). also most muslim women (religious ones) won’t touch a male that they aren’t related to (and vice versa, a religious guy won’t touch an unrelated girl) unless in an emergency. this is not a weird thing. i had a friend in my islamic school (he left for high school, havent spoken to him in a while), and in situations where there would normally be physical contact, we just avoided it. i was freaking out before a performance, he gave me a pep talk and we air fived. it’s completely normal and not a big deal

- in cases of a medical emergency: if a hijabi needs immediate medical attention and she doesn’t have a hijab on, the priority is her health and safety. if the doctor is a guy, so be it. nobody is gonna say “oh, 911? we have someone having a heart attack, but make sure your entire staff is female,” you just take whoever is coming. in situations where someone is able to get a hijab on her, they might try to do that, but again, it’s more likely that they’ll bring one to the hospital instead of putting it on her while she’s having a stroke. there is absolutely no sin involved here, so don’t have them freak out like omg im going to hell i dont have a hijab on. maybe they’ll feel exposed or embarrassed, but that would be about it

- if you have a hijabi character living in western society, she will probably complain about the lack of hijab-friendly clothes. she will probably look at any article of clothing that catches her eye and try to “halalify” it (”hmmm i could wear a cardigan with this and then wear that pink hijab” “if i can find sleeves to wear with that dress then i could make it work” “i’d probably need to pin the neck, it’s too wide for my hijab to cover”). she will also probably have her hair showing occasionally when it’s windy or she’s wearing a slippery material. she will also probably curse and try to cover it up when someone mentions it

- we’re normal people. we have the same interest, likes, dislikes as anyone else. just make sure you’re not writing a character who hates their religion, since that’s all too common

if you have any other specific questions, don’t hesitate to ask! im happy to answer :)

[slyandthefamilybook]

Prime numbers

uh . ok hang on i know this .. this is gonna b long so under the cut

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

can i say both ? i like being around ppl but im rarely the one to make the first move

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

my best friend leah, once the vaccine is widely available

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

i think so ! tbh i like a few ppl at any given moment so

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

probably not. i havent been in one since 2017 and honestly idek if i want to b in one right now

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“k” - to my dad

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

yes !

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

boy i hope so

19. Do you like bubble baths?

yessss i love them

23. Do you have trust issues?

i dont think so, but i do get anxiety every now and then y’know

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

ive only dated one guy and we haven’t spoken since we broke up lol

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

nope ! i always keep it short

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

i dont believe in awkward silences. sometimes u just gotta hush

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

i think its hard to make blanket statements like that esp when some ppl have done some truly fucked up things but in general yeah i believe in forgiveness

43. Do you smile at strangers?

yeah ! some ppl need it y’know

47. Have you ever been high?

bro u were there

53. Favourite makeup brand?

i dont rly wear a lot of makeup lol but i have this cute palette from NYX

59. First thing you ate this morning?

i still havent eaten lol

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

too many times to list here

67. Facebook or Twitter?

they both suck but im a conscientious objector to facebook

71. Craving something? What?

daryl lea’s soft eating licorice and physical affection

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

ye, 2 !

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

im not wearing a shirt

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

never seen mean girls 2

89. Name a person you hate?

i dont rly hate ppl ! i have a strong dislike for a lot of ppl but hatred ? not so much

97. Favourite actor?

elliot page is the only celebrity i trust

101. Do you type fast?

moderately, but i type like a play the piano so its . weird

103. Can you spell well?

W-E-L-L

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

several horses, only one of whom bit me in the face

109. Is something irritating you right now?

*minnesota accent) oh ya bud

113. What was your childhood nickname?

my sister called me “roney baloney”. most kids in school called me “stupid”

127. What makes you happy?

my friends, the piano, adventures, the sunset, finishing projects, cooking, lying in the sun to name a few

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

well first of all “opposite sex” like . ok bet, but uh idk date them ?

137. How tall are you?

tall enough to help my short friends get things from the high shelves

139. Brunette or Blonde?

my hair is auburn

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

sure why not

thank u darling 💕💕💕💕💕

[wittywallflower]

One of them (probs Pen) getting so jealous she sprouts out she is in love with Schneider

Here it is!

Group therapy leads Penelope to an epiphany about her feelings for Schneider

“Penelope, we havent heard from you yet.” Pam kept her voice admirably neutral.

“I don’t got a lot to say.” Penelope waved off the group therapy leader with a smile.

More than one eyebrow went up. The Cuban was not known as being the wallflower of the group. Penelope knew that and didn’t fail to notice the disbelief on some faces.

“Really.” She insisted “Things are really good right now. I don’t need to take the time away from people with problems they need to talk about. You’ve all listened to my problems plenty.”

“And we are always here to help with those.” Pam said. "But its important for all of us to take the time to acknowledge and celebrate the good things as well. Seeing each other succeed and be happy is a reminder that its possible for all of us, no matter what we are dealing with.”

The women around the circle nodded at that. The therapy meetings helped them in a lot of ways. They had shed a lot of tears together but also shared a lot of smiles and a lot of laughter.

“So, Penelope, would you like to share the good things with us?” Pam asked.

“Okay, well”, Penelope rubbed her palms down her jeans as she considered where to begin. “As you know, i finished my exams. I am officially an NP.”

She took a moment to preen as there was another round of congratulations from her friends.

“And honestly, its like I can breathe again. So much of the pressure is off; no more tests, no more studying, no more researching the reproductive habits of frogs, as if that’s ever going to come up when i am treating bronchitis.” She shook her head, pantomiming shaking off that mental load. “I’m not even nervous about doing the job, I actually feel totally confident in my abilities.”

Which was a marvel when she remembered how she used to second guess her decisions as a nurse, asking Dr. Berkowitz for a consult on so many things she wouldn't question these days.

“Mi mami’s doctor is really pleased with her health, she’s not even fighting me about some of the dietary changes anymore. Elena is an essay writing machine right now, she is raking in so many scholarships for college. So that’s an anxiety attack i don't have to have until next year. Let’s see, what else… Alex has his first serious girlfriend now.”

That had the group chuckling and those who had mothered teen boys expressed their sympathies.

“Yeah, I hear that.” Penelope continued. “But I’ve met her and her family goes to my church. She’s a real good girl. One of the ones we would have called stuck up prudes back in high school, you know? Even Alex couldn’t charm her into anything too bad.

“My tax return was very nice this year. Oh, and I tried that tapas place 3 blocks over on Cayuga street with Schneider last weekend! Food’s a little pricey but the drinks are cheap and really good. We should all go sometime.”

The expected reaction would be for the group to enthuse about a new place to grab post-therapy cocktails but instead Penelope met mostly questioning faces.

“So you’re finally dating that dude?” Ramona asked.

“What? Schneider?” Penelope shook her head in denial. "No, we just got dinner together.”

“Just the two of you?” Penelope nodded in answer to that. “The two of you at a trendy new restaurant on a date night?”

“Yeah, but it wasn’t a date. We eat together most nights.” she said.

“At home with your mom and kids, not alone out on the town. Did you split the bill?”

“Well, no, he paid.” Penelope had to admit, but she was quick to explain. “But that’s just because he lost a bet we had."

I don’t know,” Ramona said, "still sounds a lot like a date. Do you two usually hang out together when one of you isn't having a crisis?”

“No.”

Not without the rest of the family around. But for the group, that just made their solo outing together seem more significant.

Jill tried to back her up.

“It better not be a date. Doesn’t that Schneider guy have a girlfriend?” she asked.

“Actually, they broke up.” Penelope had to admit.

“Really?”

Jill raised an eyebrow and grinned at the other women, who she had spoken to at length about Schneider’s attractiveness after meeting him at Penelope’s place. Then Penelope’s car was in the shop once, requiring Schneider to drop her off at a meeting. They’d all taken a good long look for themselves that night; after that he became a regular topic of admiring conversation.

“So if he isn’t dating her, and he isn’t dating you… what’s he doing Friday night?” Jill asked.

The group laughed and Penelope joined them at first but then waved the idea off.

“Actually there’s some old musical airing on one of the Spanish channels that night, he promised to watch it with my mom,” she said.

It was really sweet of Schneider to agree to that. The old films tended to make Lydia emotional with memories of home and her Berto. Schneider loved listening to her stories and was always good at cheering the older woman up with requests for dancing lessons or some gentle flirting.

Penelope sensed the stares from the group again. What? It wasn’t that weird for a man to sacrifice his Friday night to keep an old lady he wasn't even related to company. At least not if that man was Schneider. He did macrame with his tenants so they wouldn’t get lonely, por dios. Abruptly, Penelope shifted gears.

“But if you want, Jill,” she joked, elbowing her friend in the side, “I can ask if he is free Saturday night.”

Jill shook her head with a grin. “I’m busy Saturday, what about Sunday? Does he go to worship? 'Cause as we all know i can rock the hell out of a sundress, and he’d look real good on my arm walking into church.”

The whole group cracked up at that.

“I’ll take him Saturday night!”  Another woman piped up. “My cousin is getting married and a hot, rich guy will make a better date than Tom from the mail room at work.”

“No one is forcing you to take Tom.” Penelope pointed out.

“Yeah but its a wedding and going to a wedding alone is just asking for pity.” she said.

Penelope really couldn’t deny that after her own experience at Victor’s ceremony. She’d actually been tempted to ask Schneider to be her date to that. So she wasn’t sure why it rubbed her wrong now to think of him being someone else’s wedding arm candy.

“So, what’s wrong with Tom then?” she asked.

“Um, he’s not a really rich, really hot, really tall Canadian that i want to climb like a maple tree?”

The eruption of ribald laughter covered Penelope’s silent reaction.

‘Hey, he went to your daughter’s quinces right? How does he look in a suit?”

The reminder of Schneider in his suit, weirdly-sexy with that smooth face and no glasses hiding those bright blue eyes of his, … Penelope couldn’t help it, she blushed a bit at the memory.

“Wow, that good huh?” Jill teased her when Penelope didn’t answer. “You know, I have a wedding to go to in 3 weeks myself…”

More laughter. These women loved to talk smack and riff off each other. Penelope knew it was an all a lot of bluster and bullshit. Usually she gave as good as she got. But she was quiet now, strangely unsettled by the words flying around her.

“Is there a waiting list a girl can get on?” was asked with seeming earnestness.

Yeah, so what? So Schneider was kind of hot; kind of really hot. That had never affected Penelope’s opinion of him, or how she treated him. He wasn’t some piece of meat.

“Yeah, I don’t need him for a date,” Ramona stated the obvious, “but I wouldn’t say no to him helping me change my brake pads.”

“My mom’s retirement party is in March. Does he do the fake boyfriend thing, or will that cost extra?”

“Cost extra? If Richie Rich isn’t paying for everything, what’s the point?"

The jokes came fast and easy, but Penelope wasn't finding them very funny. What was he, some sugar daddy for these girls to use and discard? Sure, maybe he did stuff for her sometimes that didn’t exact fall under a landlord’s duties, but that was different. They were friends, they did things for each other, took care of each other. It wasn’t like that.

She was special.

She tried not to acknowledge the thought, just like she tried not to face the fact that she didn’t want to share that with anyone. She didn’t want to share him.

Being quiet really wasn’t a Penelope trait, so her friends took pointed notice that she wasn’t joining the banter. They had been hearing about this guy for years, wondering when or if the two would ever stop dancing around each other. Of course, it is entirely possible for a man and a woman to be close friends on an entirely platonic basis.

But its also possible to be in denial when one’s feelings start to change.

They had listened over the years as he became increasingly important in her life. And they certainly were not above baiting Penelope into admitting it.

“Hey Pen, you’ve seen him in bike shorts. What’s he packin’?” one bold voice asked. Penelope went rigid in her seat. “Now there’s one tool of his I’d like to borrow!”

Oh hell no.

“Well, you can’t!” Penelope snapped.

“Well, if no one else is using it…”

“He’s not a gigolo, or some boy-toy for you to play with!” Penelope exploded. "He’s been through a lot and he’s had too many people let him down!”

Pam settled a hand on her arm and Penelope realized she had been shifting in her seat in agitation. “Penelope, we’re just joking around. You know that. Can we talk about why it bothers you so much?”

“He’s such a good man and so many people look down on him and treat him like he is worthless, even his own family. I don't want that for him. He deserves better.”

“We know he means a lot to you-”

“Yeah. He does.” Penelope cut Pam off. “I don’t know what I’d do with out him. I rely on him to help me with my anxiety attacks. I trust him with my mami and my kids. I, I…”

She groped for the words, trying to find some way to explain it to these women. To make them understand that Schneider’s presence in her life was a blessing, that any person would be lucky to have him around. How to make them see what an amazing guy he is. And also why she couldn’t stand anyone else getting the same special Schneider treatment she got. Didn’t want to do it all without his help.

The group didn’t make it easier for her. They could sense Penelope was on the cusp of a revelation. There were no jokes now, no pointed comments about Schneider’s abs, or queries into any desire Penelope might have to run her tongue over them. They knew that when Penelope got started, sometimes it was best to just let her go, let her ramble and rant and rave until she led herself to the obvious conclusion. They had been waiting for her to work this one out.

Penelope looked around at the expressions on their faces. No one seemed surprised by her spirited defense of Schneider. More impressively, no one was even smirking in that “haha, got you to admit you don’t hate him” kinda way. Suddenly it seemed like the group knew her better than she knew herself. Like they knew what the denial had kept her from acknowledging all along and knew what she was going to say before she said it.

“Holy crap, I love him.”

Penelope breathed out a sigh at the intense realization. It was a surprise. Of course. When had she fallen for the man-baby? But judging by the feeling of relief, the loosening of a tension she hadn’t even known she was holding, it had been a long time coming. She smiled, feeling like another weight had been lifted from her chest and she was taking a full deep breath for the first time in years.

Then her mind started to race again. Her smile fell and when her eyes darted around the group again, they had a slightly panicked look in them. Acknowledging her feelings was one thing (one damned difficult thing), but acting on them?

“Well, what now?!?” she asked in a panic.

[soakedpaperhearts]

i don’t know what recovery is.

i can’t say for certain whether i’m in a depressive episode now or not. most days i can say that i’m definitely in a better place than i was last year, but that’s only my gut feeling. if i look at my life now, nothing’s really changed from last year other than the fact that i’m in a different country, i’m not with my family, and i’m going to uni. if i look at the similarities, i’m still not showering as much as i would like to, my laundry is a mess, and i’m pretty sure i’m binge eating when i actually remember to eat. i’ve started to cry again at small things for seemingly no reason. i cried when my gf told me i should shower. i cried when i saw the number for the 24/7 suicide hotline. i watch shows and read fanfic probably unhealthily to lose myself in other realities.

i can’t paint a straight line in my road of recovery. i like to say that i am getting better and i say it with confidence when someone asks me about my mental state but honestly i can’t say it with logic. i’m not a all-logic-or-nothing type of person because i do listen to my emotions and intuition. however, i can’t exactly pinpoint my progress because i don’t even have a diagnosis after 4 years of trying to battle my own illness - whatever it is.

i feel like my recovery was slowly getting better if i looked at it from a bigger picture but with every setback, i feel like i revert back to my depression days when i’m living an unhealthy lifestyle that isn’t sustainable. it just keeps getting more and more down and i don’t know how it ever turns around because it seems like it’s not going to this time. the psych said i didn’t look like i was having trouble with depression but it really feels similar to my first depressive episode. i know this isn’t as severe as that was because i remember crying in the bathroom at least once a day very hard, not eating anything, and generally being apathetic to life. i also usually pushed away the people close to me and didn’t want them around because i needed to be alone. in that sense, i guess it’s different now because i eat pretty regularly and a lot. even tho i cry i’ve only teared up a bit and it wasn’t violent sobbing. i still like doing my own thing but i can tolerate people in my space and even appreciate a bit of physical contact while we’re doing our own things. 

still, this mood isn’t like me. i’m feeling pretty ashamed that i haven’t been able to properly take care of myself and recently i don’t think i’ve been putting effort into maintaining my relationships. i’ve hardly spoken to my friend whom i know is having a rough time, i didn’t even think about it until my gf mentioned them. i’ve been avoiding my mother’s calls because i didn’t want her to see how much i didn’t take care of myself and make her worry. god i just cried when i typed that. i called her today but i didn’t even realize that i hadn’t called her for a long time until, again, my gf pointed it out to me. and i’m still crying. and just now my gf and i had a fight and i realized that i havent put in the effort that i usually do to smooth over the situation. in fact, i just perpetuated it. even as i sit here writing this i haven’t made any moves to try to make up with her and i’m just so, so tired.

i know recovery isn’t a straight line and if i give it a little introspection, i can see the minuscule progresses that i have made. i’m just having a little trouble coping with life right now and the people i usually fall back on, my family, aren’t really here and i don’t wanna worry them. i’m thinking about calling the suicide hotline just to have someone to talk to but my roommate and gf will hear me bc i’m in the living room. the only time i haven’t been feeling crushed by the weight of existing is when i consume media or lie my head on my cat. and i can’t even stay with my cat for long because she likes sleeping on a chair under the table and it’s really uncomfortable for me to stay there bc i have to sit on the floor and i can’t bring her to my bed because i’m pretty sure she’s only comfortable to sleep in the chair so i can’t move her but i can’t sleep by myself so i guess i’ll just stay awake all night.

maybe it’s internalized-ableism? i read that that was a thing and there was always this pressure to do something and be something and it actually kind of describes my experience? growing up in my school, UWC, and in Singapore, it was always a go-go-go let’s do-do-do- kind of mindset. you always had to think about your next step and make a plan and figure out what to do after. you had to keep going and never stop. the teachers were always finding ways to make you better, even if you were at the top. if you got satisfactory, it was a serious situation and you needed to improve. satisfactory wasn’t the average, and it was only spoken when you were worried about your grades.

i feel like if i’m not achieving something then i’m not worth anything. right now i’m just existing and even though that’s hard and i’m not accomplishing things that other people can, like laundry or organizing or working or homework or even going to class, i’m doing things that still matter like enjoying the media i consume and eating and giving myself some sort of interaction even if it’s just with a cat. i’m believe that i’m in a better place than i was last year. i really believe that even if i’m typing as i’m crying again.

i’m tired and exhausted from the overbearing pressure of just being but existing shouldn’t be a burden. even if my habits aren’t sustainable or productive, i’m still existing. i’m accomplishing something by just being alive. if the bar is set too high then change the bar. i choose to accomplish something today and even though i feel it was less than what i accomplished yesterday, that doesn’t invalidate my achievement today!

i know my memory is shit and i’m probably going to forget this very soon but i will focus on just existing for now. keeping myself alive seems like a doable task and as long as i keep doing that, i can try again tomorrow.

i can try again tomorrow because i am alive.

[tulip-lesbian]

17,25-35, 93?

17: Most frequently worn pair of shoes?

Oh. How I wish I owned enough shoes to have a preference. I own three pairs of shoes, plus school ones. Trainers, more “casual” shoes (i dont really like them), and crocs. Someone take me shoe shopping for something gorgeous? But outside of school i wear the trainers most often.  

25: First song you remember hearing?

This is a tricky one. The first song i consciously decided to listen to was bohemian rhapsody, on my dads old mp3. But 80′s rock was playing in the house years before that and i recognise the songs when i hear them. But deep in my subconscious, as some few may know, is Untitled 3 (Samskeyti) by sigur ros. 

26: Favourite activity to do in warm weather?

i dont mind lying in the sun. it does pain me a little sometimes. i suppose being with a friend or someone i care about, somewhere lovely or at a home, reading and laughing. or walking somewhere beautiful. go swimming.

27: Favourite activity to do in cold weather?

cuddle. read. be a blanket cocoon. go for a walk. have cold hands.(only sometimes thouhg it also sucks) look at grey skies

28: Five songs to describe you?

oh i really dont know. there are many, i think. try these

1. the corner dwellers by vocal few

2. london, after the rain by high highs

3. love love love by avalanche city

4. Stay by Two steps from hell

5. i of the storm by of monsters and men

6. untitled 3 (samskeyti) by sigur ros

there would be some girl in red on here. but my problem is, as a dreamer, i dream in association. i have too many connotations with those songs to listen now without thinking back, and i cant handle that. maybe soon, but not quite. there are a few more songs but its hard for me to narrow them down? come ask me for song recs, ill give you some different ones. YES I KNOW I DID 6. samskeyti had to be on here because i think its just,,,, hng. yeah. im not really sure how to answer this question.

29: Best way to bond with you?

make an effort? if im trying to bond with you ill,,, burn out. im too much a lot of the time i think and that drives people off. i struggle because i want a strong bond immediately. im not in life for friendly acquaintances you know? i dont know. send me songs, books, talk to me, tell me your dreams. try not to let me fall in love with you. read my poetry, let me be there for you, be there for me. understand. 

30: Places you find sacred?

places in nature. places where silence shouldnt be disturbed, like libraries oftentimes. places where moments happen. 

31: What outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

unfortunately i dont own it yet. i dont know if im a kicking ass kind of girl tbh. not cool or assertive enough.

32: Top 5 favourite vines?

you arent gonna like this…. but im so out of touch and have been for so long that i barely even knew vine existed and when i did i didnt know what it was until like. last year? so idk. i think i watched thomas sanders though, i dont remember

33: Most used phrase in your phone?

im not sure. its probably something dumb and clingy or somehing weird, like “the sky is gorgeous” or “the rain is lovely” or “did you read my poetry yet?” or “did you listen to this song yet” im sorry if ive ever said any of those to anyone.

34: Advertisements you have stuck in your head?

we dont have any channels on our tv. so that doesnt really happen to me.

35: Average time you fall asleep?

uh school nights like 1120–1140 otherwise like up to 2am if im waiting for someone i havent spoken to for days and wish i could because i have exciting news to talk to them about and i want to share my excitement with them and i hope theyre doing ok.

93: Nicknames?

give me some, please? hey thanks so much for the ask love, it means a lot to me. it gives me something to do and some actual things to put thought into and think about. i hope everything goes well for you lots of love, tulip xx

[uth0ttm]

lADS EXCITING NEWS

maybe,,,,

IM NOT DEAD CACKLING SM-

AND OH MAN

THERES A LOT 2 TELL YALL ABT WHAT HAS HAPPENED IN THE TIME THAT I HAVENT BEEN ON HERE

SOME SPICY THINGS HAPPEN IN THIS STORY BUT NOT SUS SPICY, SO ILL PUT TWS FOR WHEN SAID THINGS APPLY

ALSO THERES A TLDR AT THE BOTTOM FOR YALL WHO STILL WANNA KNOW THE STORY BUT DONT WANNA READ SM

So like,,,

Awhile ago now, literal months has passed by since I've been on here but, I had deleted Tumblr bc it was just taking up way 2 much space on my phone and I wasn't using it much, which is understandable yk. Get rid of the things you dont use often for space. So I did

Well in the whole process of that shit happened

Biggest shit I never thought would've happened in HIGH SCHOOL of all places like miss gurl this shit was wack

So last December I met a girl and her friend because I was hanging out with my then gf in the library, and I overheard this girl and said friend talking abt Resident Evil: Village (if you don't know what this game is by this point in time u are fr living under a rock my guy-/lh), and specifically about Lady D. And now I know I shouldn't have been eves dropping or continuously listening in 2 their conversation, but I honestly couldn't help it bc literally no one else except for maybe 3 other people would talk abt things like Resident Evil bc this high school was built in probably one of the most mormon places u can find in Canada that borders the States-

So for that reason, ofc I was gonna be invested in their Convo. Well after listening for a bit, I politely excuse myself from my then gf bc she was doing homework at that point n it seemed like I was just gonna be bothering her rather than having her also be excited abt these two other people talking about RE. Then gf let's me go over and so I honestly pretty timidly walked up to the two cuz they're sitting at a table in the library, and I asked if I could sit down with them and talk to them because I've never heard anyone else talk about RE in this school. I did also apologize for listening in bc the conversation they were having could've been personal life details, but it was all about RE when I was listening in, so at least I wasn't intruding in that aspect. Anyways, the two let me sit down and talk with them, and the both of them are really excited to have another person to have sit down with them and talk about what seems to be one of their fixations and so we talk for quite a while before having to go home. What I didn't realize is that this girl has been on my bus the entirety of grade 12, and even though I sat in the back and she sat in the back, I never took notice because I was more focused on my brother, who was in grade 9 at the time, and unfortunately (or fortunately, however you wanna put it) I am quite overprotective of said little brother. But also, when I say this girl sat in the back of the bus, I meant it was WAY back, and this is because she is permanently in a wheelchair. Now you may be asking "what's so important about that fact, why do you have to specify that?" Well I have to specify it for later on in the story because it ties into the insanity I faced later on in this story. So she's in the very back of the bus because we have the bus that's meant for people permanently in a wheelchair to help them get onto the bus, and once she's on the bus, the whole way back home I'm talking to her, and I introduce my friends I already had to her because she's a really cool person and I have no clue why I've never noticed/spoken to her in the first place.

Well fast-forward to only a few weeks later, we've become really good friends, this girl (who I will continue to call S) and her friend (who I will call G) have full on integrated into our friend group and are all getting along great with each other. Plot twist, or so I thought, because I found out way later on that my then gf had been going behind my back to 2 of our other friends and ranting about how jealous she was of S and how I had apparently been spending way too much time with her and G, and not enough time with her, even though whenever I'd go to spend time with someone, it was always her. I was stuck to her side as the loyal golden retriever bf. Yet she was going behind my back and claiming that I wasn't spending enough time with her and all my time was going to not S AND G, but only to S. She was getting severely jealous of S because she thought I was going behind HER back and was cheating on her with S. My gf at the time even accused me of such in private and I had to prove that I had never, would never, and could never cheat on her because I'm too loyal to do so, plus S had already stated that she was AroAce due to childhood trauma involving her moms bfs when she was little, because with her being in a wheelchair, she didn't want to end up getting into an abusive relationship herself, because she has no easy way to get out of something like that, especially with having muscular dystrophy. I told my then gf that as well. Eventually said gf believed me and things were smoothed out, at least I thought so, but as time went on, then gf was still very jealous and still going behind my back and saying mean things about S.

So fast forward to April of this year. I'm really excited about this month because the 23rd of this month would have marked mine and said gfs one year anniversary, so ofc I was excited. That and at that point S and G where really close friends of mine, especially S because we found we had a lot of the same interests as each other, and even if we didn't, whatever interest the other wasn't into, we'd still hype each other up about it and state how cool it was even if we personally weren't into it (and this is how she got me into the band Ghost all the way back in January, but that's another story for another time-). Well, I was also excited about April because about a week prior to it being April, student council had announced they were gonna have a talent show event, and I didn't know this but S was gonna be in it! When she told me I was really excited about it because she's a real good singer and she knows all about music because that's what she's good at besides art. So she's telling me all about it because she came to ask me what song, specifically from Ghost, she should do, and when I gave her a few suggestions, she deliberated on them and had chosen Life Eternal. After a little while of us talking, she had also asked if I would perform with her so that it would be a little less freaky to perform in front of the whole school, and although singing in front of people scares me (I'll only do so in front of my brother and people I'm really close to usually), I agreed to sing with her because I will do anything for my friends. Little did I know however, this would only make my then gf MORE jealous. So anyways, time goes on, we did the talent show, it was pretty fun and as a last minute decision I had decided to paint half of my face in Copia/Papa IV's papa makeup, which made S really happy, and all day and a few days after, we won't stop talking abt how wicked we were, even though the thing as a whole wasn't, we were just happy and excited about our part we had in the talent show. This happened on the 12th of April. Fast forward only a couple days later, the 15th. At this point said gf and I had quite a few arguments, all started by her, all somehow involving S, and all deescalated by me. However, things weren't gonna be deescalated this time, since then gf had cheated on me the night beforehand with some guy. I was obviously taken aback by this because why would you ever do that? Anyways, we break up that day, but we don't tell any of our friends because we don't know how to break the news to them. Or so I thought. Even to the last minute, then gf had found a way to blatantly lie to my face. Remember how I've been saying then gf would go behind my back telling 2 of our other friends how jealous she was of S? Apparently she had PLANNED THIS WHOLE CHEATING AND BREAKUP SCHEME AND THOSE 2 FRIENDS ALREADY KNEW WE WERE GONNA BREAKUP

I only found out about this whole thing the next month, in May. But I went along with this big lie, which I only thought me and then gf knew about. Anyways, a week later is when S finds out we've broken up because finally it was decided by then gf and I that maybe the rest of our friends should know, and we all individually told them, although I didn't exactly one on one tell S about it, she found out through one of my Instagram stories, and so S being S, she runs to my DMs about it and asks if I'm ok. I tell her truthfully that I am, I've gotten over it, this and that, just generally reassuring my best friend that I would be ok, but if I had to, I would come to her if I was feeling sad.

Anyways, another week passes by, and S comes to me on discord really confused, and honestly pretty scared, and so me being a good friend, I sit down and listen to her. She reveals to me that she thinks she's started to have feelings for me, but since she doesn't really know how that feels, mainly due to her trauma induced AroAceness, she is currently freaking out about it because she doesn't know if they're actual feelings, or if it's just her brain trying to play tricks on her and whatnot. She then proceeds to profusely apologize because she knows this is bad timing on her part since I had just gotten out of a relationship and she feels really bad and like I'm going to hate her for such. But I reassured her that her confessing this to me wasn't going to make me hate her in any aspect, especially because she was confused about what her feelings were. In the end, I told her I would think about things and tell her the next day whether or not we could take things further, and then we went on like that and just didn't revisit the topic for the rest of the night. So the next day, I come back and tell S over discord that we can further what's happening and just kinda see what happens. I was expecting her to jump right in when it came to a relationship, but she held back and told me outright she couldn't be in a relationship yet because she didn't want to get into a relationship with me, and then a week later break up with me because she got too scared and couldn't handle it because she didn't want to be the next person to break my heart, especially since it was broken not that long ago. I respectfully accepted that and asked her where she wanted to go with that, and thus started her journey on learning to be ok with dating, and that not every person was going to abuse her like she had seen when she was little with her moms boyfriends. Weeks go on and whenever the topic of being in a relationship came up, it was always her asking me questions so she could be more comfy with the idea of a relationship. This whole time shes trying to figure things out is probably one of the hardest things she's experienced because she doesn't exactly know what to do, hence why she asks questions involving relationships, and so I answer to the best of my abilities. This whole time shes also really amazed and confused at how patient and nice I'm being about the whole thing and that if this were anyone else they most likely would've given up, but I got all cheesy on her and told her that if you truly love someone, you will be there for them no matter what, and that seemed to reassure her any time she was so confused about my patience towards her.

Anyways, it comes to be mid-May, the 17th to be exact, and the whole time I've been helping S figure what's going on out, we've become really close. We haven't talked about relationship things all the time leading up to this point, but it's been enough to help her get more comfy with it. Anyways, the night of the 17th of May, we get back onto the topic of relationship stuff, and it ends with her saying she thinks she's finally ready for a relationship!! She says that she's still a little scared and that there's still a gross feeling in her tummy when she thinks about being in a relationship, but she tells me that she's pretty sure it's just her brain trying to trick her, and her best bet is just jumping right in at this point because she doesn't think she can get any more comfortable, and in her words she said "what's the worst that could happen!" (Keep this in mind because this is kinda funny tying into this next part of the story) so at 10:56 PM, on May 17th, S finally said yes to being in a relationship with me, and today, September 17th, marks 4 months we've been together!! It's really exciting because even before being in a romantic relationship with her, the platonic one we had was one of the best friendships I've ever had, and since knowing her, I have been extremely happy and I could not be more thankful for having her in my life. One of my favourite nicknames for her is Skrinkle, which is just a deformed way of calling her my scrungle, and she calls me Scrinch, which is her romantic name for me that is literally just an inside joke about the Grinch, but idm, I think it's pretty cute lmao.

But, that's not the point, unfortunately story does not end at me getting my happily ever after with my absolutely beautiful gf, no, we're still on abt my ex gf, bc she's ✨fucking insane✨

And no, I don't joke about that. This isn't a classic case of the one ex over exaggerating how wack their ex is, no, my ex is literally fucking insane I swear to you. This is because the next day, our friend group is at school and it's lunch time, at this point ex gf stopped hanging out with us ig because I was there kinda thing. Anyways, one of our friends, who was also one of the ones ex gf had been talking to behind my back, tells me, Skrinkle, and a bunch of our other friends that she is scared for specifically Skrinkle's safety, because recently my ex gf has apparently been making death threats to Skrinkle in an entirely separate server where only my ex, and the 2 friends she was talking to were in, and ex gf would always try to poorly disguise said death threats as vents that she needed to get out

Now TW here for certain people

Now this is the part in the story where, if you've forgored, you remember that Skrinkle/S/my gf is in a wheelchair because of a disability she has because my ex gf, within her disgusting, hate-fueled rants, said on multiple occasions she had wanted to push Skrinkle down a flight of stairs, there was another instance where she talked about walking behind her with a hammer and wanting to bash her skull in, and, this is the fun part, last night (which would've been the 17th of May, the day we had gotten together), she had written a several paragraphs, of in depth details on how she wanted to murder Skrinkle. She had written these details an hour after me and Skrinkle got together. Now rightfully everyone sat there in stunned silence after our friend had told us this but she said she told us so we would be safe because she genuinely was scared one of us would get hurt, especially Skrinkle. I just kinda looked at Skrinkle and joked about how she had said "what's the worst that could happen" after she decided to say yes to being in a relationship with me, and we had just found out that the absolute worst that couldve happened did happen, and it was an hour after we had gotten together. Anyways, we continue talkig on about this, mainly about what we should do in this situation bc its really fucked up, but partway through I start overthinking bc I'm just like aw fuck I got her into this mess, she's gonna get hurt bc of me, this that n the other thing yk, n I start breaking down. People start freaking out bc they've never seen me cry so they're trying to make me feel better but I'm just having an absolute moment over here fjsjdnd-

Anyways, I calm down eventually and we get things sorted out but uh

yEAH-

THATS THE BASIS OF WHATS HAPPENED TO ME THE PAST LITTLE BIT IVE BEEN GONE

AND NOW IM IN COLLEGE THATS WACK-

BUT BESIDES THAT SHIT THAT HAPPENED MY LAST YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL, THINGS ARE DOING ALR AND MYSELF AND MY NOW GF ARE DOING GREAT!!

THANK U 2 THOSE 2 READ THE WHOLE THING

ITS QUITE A LOT

WHICH BRINGS ME TO OUR TLDR SO LIKE

Tldr; I met a new girl who's physically disabled, became friends w her, ex gf got jealous of her, we broke up bc ex cheated on me, girl I became friends with caught feelings for me, we eventually got 2gether, and my ex gf plotted to kill a disabled person and made wild death threats and whatnot (some involved pushing her down the stairs), but dw we're both safe and thriving now and I'm currently in college :>

[possumcorpse]

Tagged in a thing that I will do instead of sleeping :)

tagged by @hillbillynoir who is souper amazing ♡

im fairly sure i did this like. many months ago. but whatever idc

Nicknames: Jedi, Jack o Lantern, Jacko, Dorky, Turbo Male. Technically "Jackie" is a nickname I guess? Does that qualify if it's a shortened version of my name?

Height: im small. 5'2" fairly sure.

Time: 11:49 PM. i said i'd sleep at 11 :')

Fave Bands/Artists: blink-182, Neck Deep, Real Friends, FIDLAR, SWMRS, PUP, biosphere, barnes blvd.

Song stuck in my head: Zero - Imagine Dragons

Last film I saw: Ralph Breaks the Internet

Last thing googled: "big bang theory im.waiting"

Why I chose my username: I write stories. When zi made this account, I was a major brony. I'm still a dork. I'm too lazy to change it and saved my ideal username for my art blog

Other blogs:

@queen-of-possum-springs : NITW fan blog that doesnt even show NITW shit anymore. its just more like 90% politics, news, and posts informing people about stuff in general and 10% NITW fanart

@curikal : Art blog. I reblog my art here, and I'm *considering* reblogging friends art and stuff here maybe as like. hey check it. then again, only my friends follow that lol

@firstpersondreams : My oldest secondary blog. I made it freshman year when I had weird dreams and I was too lazy to write it. i havent updated it in perhaps a year despite having dreams every day ripperoni

Do I get asks: Yea

Following? Too many people whose content I enjoy but idk if some people even post anymore or disappeared or anythin. Art blogs mostly, some memes, some cosplay, and following general tags on cyberpunk, art, anime, games, etc.

What I'm Wearing: Pajamas. An old hoodie, a t-shirt from my old catholic school, bunny socks and sweatpants. It's cold.

Dream Job: A mechanical engineer or industrial designer would be great dreaming realisitcally. Game design and stuff is a possible option too! If I'm not limited to the confines of reality or money, then a mercenary who delivers pizza, mail, and fights through dungeons and shit like that idk

Dream Trip: Road trip! Travel across the country and stat and sightsee cities and forests. Although traveling to asia (mostly the Philippines but other places seem interestjng) again would be awesome too! I just hate how humid it is whenever I visit though and I really dislike rain. And mosquitos. fuck them

Favorite Food: Grilled fish! Usually doesn't matter what kinda fish, but I've not tried all fish. If not fish, then either siomai or siopao

Play any instruments: I play bass guitar and I'm learning some chords n shit on my own time on my dad's acoustic

Languages spoken: English. I can speak very basic Tagalog. My language teacher isn't a good teacher imo. But you didn't hear that from me.

Random Fact: My high school had a League of Legends team who won championships back in like 2012 or 2014. I forget

Describe myself in aesthetic things: Beat-up sneakers and band tees. Milk tea and books. Rainy night in an apartment overlooking a bright, colorful city. A dandelion growing next to the sidewalk.

Most Iconic Song: odjfjekdkksks uh probably When I Was Young - blink-182

Tagging: Anyone who wants to do this. im too lazy to tsg people. its now 12:22 am. i spent too much time writing this and i shall sleep

[bringebonythehorizon]

To the Boy Who Loved Me When I Loved Someone Else; A Past Thought.

I love you too.

I was naive.

It was my first real relationship. I was in high school. I understand that its was hard to watch me love someone else whilst being by my side every step of the way. Thank you for being my best friend even though it hurt you. I cant justify how i let myself be so blindsided. How could I not see that you, of all the people surrounding me, loved me the most.

I see you.

I love you too.

I cant justify why you stay around and put yourself through pain just to stay in my life. Am I worth it, all this pain? Will I ever push you too far and let you slip? These questions rung through my head so often.

We parted our ways.

I miss you.

Your fading away.

High school has finished. Its been three years and we havent spoken a word. I have been with different people without you being by my side. It has been difficult.

I loved you too.

I feel indifferent.

Everything has changed since the last time we talked. Oh! What I would give to talk to you again. I am now an abuse victim from a boy who I thought I loved. I regret everyday that I didnt spend it with you. I feel disgusting that I let someone take advantage of me like that. Do you still love me the way you did? Will you ever forgive me? I hate myself. I need you more than ever and I fucking pushed you away. I hate myself.

I miss the way you loved me.

I have grown.

I am with a new man who loves me with all his being. He helped me the way you did when we were young. He reminds me of you. Is that why I love him? I loath these thoughts that consume me. You have never left my mind even though I have had time to forget. I never did.

I love him. I love you.

We meet again.

You surprised me. I was shocked. I can not believe my eyes. There it was, a message from you. I did not think you would read the message that I wrote, let alone reply. I am still with my partner but I do not want history to repeat itself. I am a new person, an adult. The person you once knew is dead and gone.

Reunited once again.

I have learned to love you again.

I love the spark you give my heart. I am content again. This time, I wont let my head converse with my heart. I want you to stay.

Forever this time.

Even as friends.

Possibly as lovers.

I just need you there, even if I’m being selfish.