#i havent even put them all into the discords yet

[miilkphone]

how would yall feel about mcd rewrite longpost

[billyjoecobra]

JOSEPH JOESTAR CHARACTER ANALYSIS (1)

I never see anyone talk or analyze Joseph very often in the fandom, which is tragic because i believe he's very complex!! So here's some thoughts to chew on, rattle around in your head a bit. It's all under the cut, and it is LONG AS HELL because i have a LOT to say on him!!! Warning though, it's not super properly punctuated as these are discord rambles of mine, but -- enjoy nonetheless!!

i think it's super interesting to note how every time someone puts joseph down, or does something shitty to him, he just doesn't care. not a single bit. he even says it's fine, maybe even deserved sometimes. he assumes people always thinks the worst of him, and yet doesn't really care aside from the one time he dressed in drag and got insulted about it. even then he was just kind of, "man. i looked hot though.." however every time someone even remotely upsets his friends or hurts those who don't deserve it or his family he goes. ABSOLUTELY APESHIT. he will get SO fighty.

he will immediately throw hands and hurt you physically without thinking about it he likes to put assholes in their place sometimes (i.e. the taxi driver, the nazis who insulted him. and any nazi really ) but that is different than really caring about what they say to him. i think he has a very strong moral code, though people tend to see him as quite dubious because of his loud and obnoxious behavior every consequence to his actions, he only worries what others close to him will think and he can easily be driven to a blind rage revenge if you dare to hurt his family in any way. because you DONT fuck with his family. family is the no. 1 thing he cares about

beating up racist cops? he only feels bad because he doesn't want to stress out erina with the thought of bailing him out. told speedwagon is dead? he's upset, but he keeps his cool and throws a punch at the guy for upsetting erina, and worries more about her comfort than his own. guys hijacking a plane and holding him hostage? he couldnt care less if he was the hostage, he only cared enough to stop it because it might risk getting speedwagon hurt. and it goes on

and for the sake of his family he keeps purposefully trying to risk himself to death repeatedly. when fighting kars lets not forget when he shot kars into space and his thoughts were about how he was ok with dying if it meant his family was safe i think . and i said this before this is just me getting my thoughts out way more eloquently with points i've already touched on before. but.

in a non emo way, it's really hit me how he isn't like. beat up about it. about assuming ppl always think the worst of him. he cares way more about others than himself type of guy thats like similar to "they're friendly but after awhile of their support and talking to them you realize to your horror you dont actually know anything about them at all" other than he's like. bold and brash and likes to start fights sometimes oh and lest we forget he also tends to take the death of loved ones so hard to the point that no matter the circumstances true causes he always blames himself.

he always blames himself and gets a bit. ummmmm i wouldn't say suicidal but like way too risky with his life and stops really caring if he'll die. he's just so used to nobody ever understanding him and his "off kilter" tbh neurodivergent way of thinking and living that he. like. he doesn't exactly have great self image beyond thinking he has sexy lips which sounds so silly but it's true and again it's not something he dwells on it's just kind of, A Fact to him. and this isn't even touching on the slew of issues i'm sure speedwagon's constant comparing of him to his dead grandfather must have caused.

It's very evident to me that he has ALWAYS felt like a burden to some degree i think. even when erina and speed havent really treated him as such. This is why I think his dynamic with speedwagon would be pretty strained / already seems as such -- bc. As I said before, he's ALWAYS comparing him to jonathan, even when he was just a kid.

NOW BY ALL MEANS!! I DO NOT THINK speedwagon means any ill will. it's just something that he just keeps.. doing because. well he respected jonathan so much, and it kind of clouds how he sees joseph because -- well, joseph is the SPITTING IMAGE of him. But not intending harm does not mean he hasn't caused any by doing that -- comparison can WRECK you pretty bad. joseph has made it clear that he knows he's nothing like jonathan in any regards except looks and i think it kind of contributes to his overall. tanked self image. and also the fact that he's a reminder of the tragedy of losing his parents ( or so they thought for a while. yk )

he deeply cares for him still, this much is true. he always will. but, it doesn't negate the serious comparison issue, constantly being told "WOW you have an attitude not at ALL like your grandpa, he would have never done x!! how do you look like him while being such an angry kid!!"

..... said without real malice or really bad intention, more out of exasperation. but. those kinds of things stick with kids. yknow? Joseph's always bottled up his emotions and tried to be on his best behavior for erina's sake. hes always a little more open with speedwagon. but .............. BWGHGURUGURGGH!!!!!!! i could go on for hours about it ok. but i shall move on to my next point now.

what sucks about it though is that the fandom tends to gloss over these bit of characterization at every turn. there is a lot of sadness and concerning things surrounding joseph that he just simply SHRUGS OFF about that it's kinda concerning! not that he'd ever really see a problem with it.

the fact that he was prepared to die / did the bet if only to distract them long enough to let caesar and speedwagon get away... you COULD maybe read it as a little bit of self preservation but given how he handles literally all other instances of him possibly dying., and the circumstances of him leading whammuu away being to SAVE those two. I think it yet again falls in line with "who gaf if i die i care if THEY die". then he gets stressed about the time he has left. which i imagine would stress ANYONE honestly. but . part of me thinks that it's also because this means that he has a short time to make sure he can be strong enough to protect everyone he loves and cares for..

that isn't ALL there is, of course. but i feel like with his behavior that is probably a big reason of it. You can summarize it all with one sentence; essentially,

joseph isn't afraid of death, nor dying himself; he's afraid of his loved ones dying.

This fact is extremely present in everything he does and says, but especially so when Caesar's death hits. THAT, however, i will make it's own post on. I have a lot to say on that and how it fucked him up for life. For now, though, I will move on and touch on another topic.

for all the loud opinions joseph seems to also speak none of it is ever really looked into much deeper as anything more than " he's just being joseph again" and he never really elaborates on it either, hence why a lot of people don't know much about him. While he is schrodinger's himbo -- too stupid to be smart, too smart to be stupid -- it's clearly all an act to get people to lower their expectations of him. He doesn't like being taken as a joke though. that he is a hater of for sure so. Joseph hides his true self behind a mask of idiocy and lackadaisical attitude to the point where it's blended into his actual truest self and he can hardly tell what's real and what's the mask. But at the same time, Joseph gets very angry when nobody takes him seriously because of his facade and trying to make everyone lower their expectations of him so he can pull the rug out from under them.

He's so mad when people don't take him serious but then continues to act pretty unserious and it's like. Well if you want them to take you more seriously bro you should stop doing that. Stop lowering others expectations so you can kick their asses or have a general upper hand just in case ( but he won't 💖)

he is a bit of a polarizing character but i hate when fandom reduces him to just "funny goofster" or ""cheater"", or writes him off as annoying with no depth to him. To judge Joseph through a lense of solely good or solely bad is a terrible idea; that man is gray moraled as HELL, he has a strong sense of self justice while also being incredibly underhanded and sneaky. If you dislike him, that's fine -- but don't discount his complexity just cause of that!!! He's not puddle deep, there's a lot of facets to how truly fucked up he is.

yeah. he is goofy, and he's a cheater at many things. but there's a lot to him. HE'S COMPLEX!!!!

[cassi-pokeblogging-hub]

Pokepark - Shout out a Pokemon IRL blog you really like!

ill do you one better i have A LOT to shout out lol. its very hard to like articulate ALL my thoughts in just like one paragraph cause i dont wanna drop a masive ESSAY for each blog so ill try to keep it brief but do check all of them out if you havent yet!!

@lovenpeace-pkmn - anthea and concordia are,, surprisingly forgotten about pkmn characters so finding out there was a blog for them a few months back was like. insane for me. i love the blogrunners characterization and its just generally a fun blog to scroll through and interact with on occasion!

@thatfailedpokemontrainer - sprite an interesting critter fr. theres something wrong with them and i love it. every once in a while something goes down on the blog and im just in the discord chat with friends like omg look at whats happening on tumblr RIGHT NOW!!! also as a dedenne best pikaclone TRUTHER i am obligated to promite this blog lol

@battle-subway-ghost - is also a really fun blog that im always like GUYS LOOK AT WHATS HAPPENING OVER THERE!!! honestly i could probably link ALL the blogs linked to this one and thatfailedpokemontrainer but i dont wanna decimate a buncha peoples notifs with me @ ing them all on the same post lmao. but like. something up with paris fr and his relationships with other characters are so fun to read. also i love rattatas so any blog about characters that give love to the rats get a good grade in my book

@wingsofachampion - tropius is such a fun character and bench plays her so well!! pokemon like tropius are sososo underrated compared to a lot of the like. anthro/more humanoid pokemon and pokemon that are just cats or dogs so seeing one about one of these more underrated pokemon so good to me. bench (blogrunner) also has a ton of fun pmd lore that builds off the canon stuff on this blog and a few of their other blogs so if you love pmdstuff you should REALLY check them out

@psn-stalling - i could list A LOT of the bbablr blogs because theyre all some degree of something up with that guy fr but atlas is one of the first blogs that popped up on my dash p often and is what got me to check out a ton of the bba blogs. atlas and his relationships to other characters are so fun to me and tbh atlas is just a fascinating character in general. top ten guys of all time i hope he beefs with even more of his classmates in the future

@viridian-rat - OKAY SO. TURT (the blogrunner) IS MY FIRNED SO PERHAPS THIS MAY BE CHEATING BUT RAT IS SO SOSO SOMETHING TO ME. 12 YEAR OLD OF ALL TIME. turt plays rat like an actual 12 year old and its so refreshing because a lot of people DO NOT KNOW HOW CHILDREN ACT AND ITS INSANE. also turts been putting so much effort into a whole ass animation for this blog thats almost done so you guys have to follow the blog before it comes out so you'll see it.

@harteofthehart-ayyy - harte is another character on pkmn irl thats a guy of all time fr. fascinated by him and everything that is revealed about him. whatevers going on with him and his roommate has captivated me. this is also another blog where i REALLY like the art thats posted on occasion, and i just find it funny to follow. also its just a REALLY fun blog to interact with. like some blogs are just awkward to reply to because theres like way too little to actually grab onto but harte's mod is really good at giving you stuff to actually reply to

theres sosososo many more blogs but some are just escaping my mind rn or i dont know how to like properly articulate anything than this blog good. id like @ my entire following list rn if i could but i do not think people would be happy with the amount of notifs

[spamtoon]

DCRC week 3 time! ...In week 4.

you see. every time i wanted to open this comic. i wanted to do something else actually sosososososo bad. however now's the time

my history with the comics is ZILCH. i've had my friend show me a few duck comics they had in their first language and i've read some of the darkwing stuff but i haven't dived head first into scrooge's origins the way that many other duckblr members have

please note i might be off because i am very tired as of writing this. i will pass out directly after i finish this and so my judgements might be a bit. Strange

First comment I'd like to make her is how professional the comic seems, though that may just be because i'm viewing this though the don rosa archive on the definitely legal website. i'm glad at the very least that all of these like. little comics that are hard to keep track of are in one place

second off i just want to shoutout how tiny louie is here. ity bity. the 87 triplets are so small. sorry this is how it is with me i'm like wow... i appreciate these comics and all of the work people put into them and then im like oh louie little

Oh my aching eyebulbs! I did in fact misread that as lightbulbs

great panel we've got going on here. og glomgold acting quite fruity while donald needs to catch the thing... Glomgold you do understand you are also claiming other people's fortunes given the work for you in the south african diamond mines... a detail that i've only ever heard in trivia until now.

donald is so just continuously done with their garbage and he deserves to be i think. for all he's been through

sorry i just like the exaggerated poses here and the sillouettes and line effects. showcasing the them

Oh deliver us!

sorry i just love the expressions (and posing in the third) here. i know i'm mainly admiring comic panels so far but dang it. they...

aaaaand this is where the stuff that. didnt quite age starts. i've heard from chatter on discord that Things Happen in this comic and that scrooge should be wanted in Peru because of it. they way that some of the descendants are just casually helping him gnngnsn. i understand it was the 80s...

glomgold ate in this outfit and i'm sure you all agree. assuming this is glomgold i havent read that yet but look at him. that's glomgold. his goofy ahh smirk

FOEIJFIOUSGJEIAFEAFOJIUEAAEJOFEADAEFJIEA well. i did forget that glomgold held scrooge at gunpoint. and he does! i'm so . the way he's just. being held at gunpoint and scrooge's reaction is like THIS IS LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE i'm so. not even a gun can stop scrooge mcduck. or the triplets for that mater they also are kinda unphased at this point

another case where i just want to note these panels for the pose and expression contrast between the two of them... they

FEAHUIAOEJFEA the cogging way that the sound effects STREEEEETCH across the winds. priceless i think

i also want to note the action panels in the plane crash section i'm so. this one in particular but all of them really

Okay so i guess they were just. stuck with glomgold for multiple days. and scrooge is like where the barp is everyone ohhhh curse me cog darn kilts sorry

also omg calisota mention. calisota girls we're unforgesorry

glomgold's little happy handstand... you deserve to dark.wing cartwheel actually i think. also caro thinking about quack.erjack

parrot mention (context. im normal about that phone guy)

also please know before it registered that was a shine effect i thought the zebra's tail was a Bomb for a second and that the twist was going to be it all explodes in glomgold's face. but alas

HUIDAEJIOJFAEIJF THE WAY SCROOGE IS JUST. CASUAL ABOUT IT like dammmm you guys were slow. the fact scrooge has just had a little setup out here i'm so. yeah let's prank glomgold

im so mad... its beautiful. ive heard comics scrooge vs dt.17 scrooge described as business scrooge vs family scrooge and if this isn't way to differentiate between the two of them. the adventure's over because Business glomgold.

sorry every serious comic person that may or may not be reading this because i am. not very serious especially right now but please know i have so much respect for these and cant wait to read more. except i have to do an assignment first. two assignments. four. school is kicking my behind right now thats part of why i'm late but i will catch up eventually. now time to go to sleep

OH WAIT THERES MORE COMIC hold on wait what if you see this while i'm editing no you don't. i can't believe i actually got juked by the fake ending. i will admit i have been coasting along for a bit now but Now i am invested

the way he spends multiple panels gloating about the gems specifically... both of them are so petty here and its beautiful

rooooolling giiiiirl sorry my legitimate first thoughts. i am having an era right now. yes glomgold chase your big gem frisbee

the way that they're dragging both of them out and away from each other. like alright folks. time to break it up here. you're gonna destroy the temple. and they do!

GLEEP!

okay now its the end. this comic has made me a fan of comic glomgold and thats what i'm going to say here. good night everyone i hope this is a great start to my beautiful comic journey

[justalilpearlie]

Hey. I just want to put this here. It's... a little bit fucked up to try to force your partner to kin a character? Especially if they're a pyschological kin, which from your posts so far, I'm pretty they are, as I think you said they're a fictive in a past post. Which is also a little bit fucked up, because, like... you're trying to force somebody to form an fictive alter (alters are formed out of trauma. Not only is it unhealthy to try to force them to form, but literally the only way to form them is fucking trauma, and you said you're 'trying to make them kin', which?? Is implying you're traumatizing them???). Yeah. Just maybe... maybe think about that one a little bit. Maybe re-evalutate a few things there, pal. Even if they aren't a fictive, trying to force somebody to form a severe pyschological delusional attachement to a character is probably not the healthiest thing to do to anybody, let alone your partner.

1st of all you dont know my partner or me at all

second of all, he's a fictive yes, but he has one set source, im not forcing them to "form a fictive". my partner is a fictive already, that has nothing to do w anything.

third of all, my partner has both IRLs and Kins, I have nothing to do w either of them other than sometimes poiting out "oh this character is kinda you coded", sometimes he just identifies w them and puts it as ID, idk in what way he kins, ik some are psychological and some are unlabeled/he hasnt told me.

what we do in our friendgroup in general is just "kinassigning" which is fairly normal- i JOKE about "forcing him", but I've showed him my own artwork of majormoon and said "oh yes thats us", specially the unicorn hybrid scott takes.

we have a mc server recreating Last Life block by block. he willingly offered to do that with me/for me and spent time making a modpack so we could play together and he could get into Life Series. which mind you the only reason they havent yet is cause theyre already hyperfixed on other medias, its the same issue i had w outsiders for months til i finally decided to get into it and i LOVED it.

you got no idea abt my partner and i's relationship, we're just very likely to kin couples most of the time, I've gotten kins/attachments to his media partners, he's shown me new animes or games he gets into saying headfirst "this is me, and this is my partner, you!" and ive gone "yeah seems fair", EVEN if i dont end up getting attached to them cause it just makes him happy, just like it makes me happy

we already planned ahead to match majormoon pfps once he gets into life series cus he doesnt like having pfps of shows he doesnt personally know to not have those awkward "omg u like this??" "no i barely know abt it.." interactions

my partner and i have actually the most healthy relationship ive had in a long while, we've been going 9 months pretty strong and i aint forcing that man into anything, yet again why i try to CLARIFY every single time i make a joke of that kind.

also when i say "my partner", he's a fictive, not a whole system, he's part of a system. i think tahts where you got the "you're trying to force them to split" thing from. no, im not dating the whole system, my partner is only one member of the system.

you barely even know my partners name and their sys name, if you even do know that from my intro post. this is honestly baffling to me imma show em this on discord, specially my husband once he fronts again

[go-against-fate]

It's weird how i enjoy writing fics from Javier's POV more than i do with Lloyd (⁠￣⁠ヘ⁠￣⁠;⁠) but when it comes to art, I'll only draw Javier when Lloyd is included in the artwork

After discussing about it a bit with discord peeps, i arrived at the conclusion that I like drawing Lloyd more because he's literally just some guy. Draw a generic character base, make them have a side bang hair style. Boom. Lloyd Frontera. Now compare that with Javier Asrahan who is described as someone so fucking gorgeous, an otherworldly beauty, his looks and personality (but mostly looks) is to be envied and admired by all. How the fuck am i supposed to draw that? Not to mention his hair?? I havent complain about this here yet but i DETEST drawing his hair. I have to constantly have a reference of him because in each drawing that i did of him, he looks different!! Why? Because his hair looks different everytime!! I get his looks right ONCE and then never again!! It drives me insane!! I'll only draw him if Lloyd is also there!! That's how much i dont like drawing him!!! Ik this sounds like a major skill issue but idgaf i only like him by proxy

HOWEVER. I just. Cannot. Write from Lloyd's POV. idk. I can never seem to get it right. The thing with him is that despite his average looks, he's extremely fucking smart. His knowledge is vast and otherwordly. and i'm just someone with slightly above average scores. I cant fucking put myself in his shoes because i literally cannot do it. He's too smart for me. Im not smart. I prefer to scroll my phone for unprecedented amount of time, rotting my brain, while Lloyd will plan out ways on how he's going to change the lives of the masses. I dont know what tf hes going to do next. Fucking. Build an amusement park because thats somehow related to preventing the world from ending or some shit I DONT KNOW

That's why I like writing fics from Javier's perspective!! because he's also just a normal guy. His way of thinking is interesting, but still comprehensible to me because I can put myself in his perspective. I can imagine myself having to take care and protect my dumbass of a friend boss from accidentally dying. He's observant, not compulsive (something i can very much relate to). His motive is that of a stereotypical hero protag. I need to save the people even if i die in the process type shit. Hes honest, but willing to lie when it comes to Lloyd. Again. Traits that the average person can . probably. relate to. Probably not the i'll sacrifice my life for the people part. But still. Javier is a pretty sensible guy

Anyway In conclusion. Javier and Lloyd go together like peanut butter and jelly or however the word goes. They compliment each other in so many ways. I love them. They make me sick. Thank you for coming to my teh talk

[nebuletteart]

Ok after thinking on this whole debacle and talking to my dad, who has worked in tech for the last several decades, I think I can finally articulate why this is bad advice. I'm sorry but no tech company will honor this. In my dads words, "They only put something like that there to avoid legal issues. All it takes for them to steal your work is to call it a glitch or tech issue when they get caught." Because here's the deal, they were likely already scraping Tumblr and when it was leaked by ex employees that Tumblr was working with Midjourny, they quickly announced it as something you could opt out of, knowing their largely anti ai userbase would likely leave en-mass if it got out they were scraping users work.

Within the next 2 years (If tumblr even survives that long, at this point I think most of the goodwill has dried up) I guarantee there will be a massive scandal where an art blog will be in their settings and notice that this toggle has been turned off for god knows how long, and other blogs will find the same exact issue like the plague. Then, when confronted on it, Tumblr will announce it as a programming error. Or worse yet there'll be some large data leak revealing that the button did literally nothing or an artist will find their work plagiarized by ai even though they have the toggle on, and it'll be the same deal.

What this toggle is, is an illusion. Tumblr is offering a canopy from the rain, but when you look at it you'll realize it's made of mesh and when it rains it POURS. Glaze and Nightshade wont help here, as they can only do so much and have flaws. It is time for us all to make our own damn websites, because you are kidding yourself if you think Tumblr isnt gonna rob you blind. We've seen the CEO is pro AI, and from the Predestrogen fiasco we saw that the guys willing to bend the rules whenever it suits him. And that's not even getting into the folks behind Midjourny! Were they not the ones gloating about fraud in their private discord server?! (dont quote me on this, but I do remember one of the big AI companies getting nailed for this)

Regardless, I highly recommend everyone leave Tumblr right the fuck now. If they havent already stolen your shit they're on their way. Go to Neocities and make yourself a website, it is no longer safe to post your work on any social media site. I wont begrudge anyone who is tired of running and chooses to stay on here regardless but do NOT lie to people and say that a toggle will protect them.

tumblr has an AI toggle you should turn on to prevent your work being shared with training models/etc! it's under settings (gear icon) & then visibility.

[frost-bites-slushies]

x

sometimes i forget that im never allowed to go back, that i cant participate over there anymore as much as id love to. i cant post anything about that anymore and its just my fault. im scared what people are saying about me there, i dont know and its so very scary.

i dont know how i couldve stayed in that fandom after what i did, but i want to, but i also know id only open myself up to reminding them of me after they likely started to move on. i dont want to be that selfish, i hurt people, i affected people, but i still like to just. fantasize over what i would do.

i'd love to have made a little fan character, based on one of my cute little plushies maybe, probably the apprentice to my favorite character in that au. probably shit at cooking just like me too, but they keep em around cuz theyre sweet eheeh

iunno, i can only dream though, as much as i wish i could make it real. i know the people there and i know they know eachother, theres no doubt at least one warned their friends about me. my favorite creator from that fandom blocked me, i still see snippets of their work through reblogs, but. i know they told the other creators in that fandom about me. to look out for me maybe. i dont know why some of those creators havent blocked me yet, but i can count my blessings i suppose, but i wouldnt complain if they did block me, because i deserve it entirely.

i dont know, i just. wish. maybe if i changed my name? maybe if i tried to change everything about myself so i wasnt recognizable? so much about me would be lost, the characters i developed for years before now, the name i got from nice memories with past friends of mine. but i would be free. i would be able to go back, to do what i want to do, to come back smarter and more informed as someone new.

but that would just be lying. and lying got me here. i would lose so much, and would it be worth it? to be able to participate in something i love if i have to limit myself forever? i can never talk how i want, draw how i want, ill have to get rid of my sona and make it unique enough that they couldnt track me down. but if i do reenter that fandom, ill be found out by them as quick as a heartbeat, because i talked with them so often and shared so much of myself.

and they put all that information i trusted them with into making a post about me. they put the art that i gave to them as gifts in the post so people could recognize how i draw, they put the details of how i interact with others and how i use my account online so people could figure me out even if i didnt post art, and im damn sure if i didnt delete it, my discord would be in the post too. if i showed my face, im sure they would have slapped that in there. im surprised they didnt try and detail what my fucking voice sounded like.

because of a stupid dingy little post they made, im restricted from things i love, because even after knowing me for months, they think i didnt feel guilt. that i wanted to hurt them and i did it on purpose. that i didnt learn from what i did to them. they think i was so immature that i didnt know what i did wrong.

do they still think that? do they believe i am really so immature and stupid that i wouldnt learn? i was their best friend. i was so close to all of them. i believed them all to be sweet people, but they made me terrified of coming back to the internet at all. I didnt run away for my own selfishness, i ran so they didnt have to see my face again, but the very person i listened to them fucking shit talk about behind closed doors found my account and outed me.

do you know how much shit i have on them? the things i could say about them? how awful they are in private? i believe only two people of the group are genuinely nice people, and even then they still cut me off, like they had every right to do. but they didnt make me terrified, they didnt yell and scream at me, they didnt call me a "slippery rat" and a manipulative lying bastard. They wanted to believe in me, but they rightfully took the victim side and cut me out. one figured out a bit later that they were wrong for trying to keep contact with me, the other was only dissapointed in me, which hurt significantly more than hateful words.

only two people of the whole group were respectful to me. they treated me like a human that did something awful, and not just a sick, twisted and manipulative monster. one of the group tried to manipulate one of the two people that were willing to keep contact and help me change. this person told my friend to just pretend to be my friend, and ghost me once i got new friends or felt better, to be my fake friend and dissapear once "everything was fine".

another ranted and called me hateful things in a reblog of the stupid post on me. they said i was a rat, that i "got away before they could get to me", assumedly to curse at me in dms like in that reblog. they told me to never come back, that nobody likes me, that i no longer had a place in that fandom.

i was scared, and i still am. but ive said that enough times. I've been scared for a while, and the people that are still beside me know that.

i just wish i could do what i love, but as they said, i dont have a place there anymore.

i think ill come back as someone new.

[primroses-n-deadleaves]

i dont have anyone to talk to rn, not out of anything bad theyre just busy and also have their own issues and so on; its okay still it leaves me wondering what went wrong? i only have two ppl that i can rlly talk to like both socialize and also to the extremes of venting, i try to help them too but im not rlly good at it, and so, whenever theyre missing or busy, i feel very alone, which is funny becuz im quite fortunate to have a semi active group on discord with cool ppl but instead of trying to get rid of my loneliness ig i jus self isolate idek whats wrong with me now, all the bad stressful stuff passed, for now,, mom was angry cuz my room got infested with termites, she got rid of them and i was left with the task of cleaning the stain,; and i jus discovered theres more termites to my side that went unnoticed by mom and that are eating the table and chair,; she doenst know of that yet thou so i can handle but i havent, the weekend approaches which is when well be doing all of this, i could try to take care of it before saturday before she notices and gets even more angry at me but here i am writing instead.

i feel very useless, my car is still at the repair shop so i can go out and buy the insecticide i need to get rid of the termitees, its at the repair shop cuz i let it break,, when it broke i called mom and she was at work so she asked me if i had any friends that could come and help me, all my friends are little ppl on my phone stuck to the other side of screen,; she had to call her friend which i was lucky that he was available and came to help me i felt very alone and useless and without any friends theres only so much online friends can do and i dont blame them, im also an online friend to them and i cant rlly do much for them either; that said, i rlly want irl friends.... but those "friends" i, stupid highschool drama ruined all my friendships its been 4 years and im still suffering the consequences of it; and also i rlly miss them, even if they were shitty and used me i still miss them;; maybe if i had acted like nothing id probably still be used sure but maybe i wouldve had someone to call when my car broke down

also im unemployed, with a gambling addiction of all things,, ive been thinking of getting a cheaper addiction- well, cheaper in the long run, something like smoking, not drinking, drinking is a bit expensive and my family from dad's side has a history of alcoholism,, so smoking or vaping, ruin my lungs,, im pretty sure a pack of cigarettes is cheaper than putting 100 into gacha games; why not look for a job? great question, i have, maybe not hard enough but im a bit too depressed if u cant tell by the writing; ive also tried to do online job but its rlly taxing to do a lot of work making vids and such to see no profit and ik ik it comes with time but i dont have time i need money now the funniest part is that i tried to apply for military jobs yknow the army and even those have rejected me, yes im overweight according to bmi, thats all they needed to disqualify me,; so instead i spend my time leeching money of mom, i feel very guilty, im a horrible child,, i sobbed when i was getting my meds and it ended up costing 30 bucks to buy becuz i sent it to a damn walgreens instead of a local pharmacy that accepts my insurance, i lost my meds and i could get refill but itll end up costing until i change the location which i cant change until my next visit

i wanted to kill myself when mom told me i could be working rn and that she was right, i could be working rn but instead i was laying on the bed which isnt even mine becuz i sleep on my sisters room taht has ac

the feeling had dissipated for a moment, well, it left when i repressed my feelings, which writing about it makes me confront those feelings so the suicidal ideation is back; in moments like this i think about one certain episode of fairly odd parents, yknow the one where timmy sees how the world would be if he never existed and sees that everyone around him is doing better without him? i dont remember the ending, i just think about it and think im better off dead, literally, i bring no good to the world

if u happen to stumble upon this, dw, i have a strangely strong will to live, last time i rlly tried to kill myself and acted, i called the hotline, which took me to the hospital where i was fortunate its a good hospital and got treated nicely,; bottom line is, and i quite hate this part of myself, ill live,; this stupid survival instict is strong enough to keep me from dying, i rlly hope it wasnt , life honestly isnt worth living,, the world is a shit place

[approachme4fun]

MissBanshee__

Gaming & LoveLife

I have tried literally everything regarding MissBanshee__,and getting us back to where we were before the argument,but my desperate efforts (showing her that i really cant function or live without her),is being met by blocks,bans and ghosting across the board. I still technically consider me her boyfriend,and her my girlfriend. As we never truly broke up with eachother.

I did a dumb reversed psychology thing,where i needed reassurance that she still loved me,wich i probably shouldnt have done. I also got abit too upset over the fact that she yet again neglected me,when she in reality herself had promised that the entire weekend were supposed to be "our time only",as she streams in the week days.

But lately shes been jumping on invites or other friends streaming lobbies,despite her saying to me things like her internet was gone,or her migraine really bothered her. I always wait patiently on my girlfriend then,because i know up front what is going on.

But this past weekend,she claimed her internet went out and i waited and waited for her to say it had come back. When i got tired of waiting,me going through random streams randomly stumbled across her laughing and having a jolly good time,online in a tcm lobby with people she apparently had told on her Thursday stream that: "Starting tomorrow and throughout the weekend,ill be spending it with my mans."

Again,this is not me putting restraints on MissBanshee__ (her twitch account) or making rules for her,like Megyhs (now a unseparated friend of MissBanshee__ thanks to me introdcing them to eachother) accused me of,on a recent Minecraft stream. (Megyhs has now followed blindly in MissBanshee__`s footsteps,just blocking or banning me wherever i try to reach out to make things right.

I have 2 main things i have anazlysed up and down i was ready to apologize for,1 is already said reversed psychology where i unfollowed her twitch and questioned her in ways that might have confused her. Again,all i needed was to hear her say that she loved me and wanted to stay as a couple,because what hurts even more then a F YOU Approach to my face,is hearing "maybe we should just rather be friends". As i cant live without her love,if she only let me explain....

I came from a state of mind where i didnt really have a life,it was a dark place of miserable existence. She came into my life,first talked me into adding her on discord,wich i was hesitant to. And after that over the following weeks she won me completely over,knowing about my past relationships that left me hurt and packed with mistrust.

She promised me she would never ever block me out of her life,the only thing she said was "It has to be you breaking up with me". I guess she could have viewed the unfollowing and general reversed psychology as one,but i was never going to. And since i can no longer apologize to her,i apologize to the masses on twitter.

I wish i didnt come off soo angry at her either,but in reality all she would have done to prevent this,was to let me know up front that she was invited or wanted to play with people she plays with the week through

And recently had been living ingame with over a 2 piece attempted 48hour stream that went with a small internet outage break,lasted long over 60ish hours,and just days after that another 24 hour stream,where i never had any real quality time with her whatsoever,and it was driving me slowly insane over the past weeks,where also our weekends was ruined by something or someone.

I love her that freaking much,she gave me a life of hope wich i havent had in YEARS! I could have done anything for her,and i did. I can not go into full detail about what i did for her,but it required often that i neglected my own need of sleep to be present for her whenever she needed me.

She had me 24-7 and i never complained,because i loved being her best support she has ever had. And my heart still wants to,thats why its soo heartbreaking that she cold and evil just blocks and bans me everywhere,even when im begging her for 5 minutes of her time on discord,where i can make everything okay again.

I even paied her 1USD for each minute of those minutes on PayPal,and while i was being respectful she was heard saying on her stream: "Can i block people on PayPal?" (I have that recorded btw)

So once again she hurt my feelings,and i told her some harshfull stuff,while still begging her to talk with me,and i also questioned her intensions,since she keeps hurting me and confusing me,as this is not the MissBanshee__ i once fell for.

She gave me life promises i couldnt believe that she wanted to do for me,that actually had me tearing up of happiness. Based on living things that meant too much to me f ex.

Now,i havent slept properly in going on 4 days,i keep waking up panicking,looking at the screen,hoping for a sign of contact from my woman,my girlfriend....future wife. A flimmer has even been in the picture. I can not function or eat without her daily love and support,the way i thought she couldnt live without mine. I thought we had similar strong feelings for eachother,but i seem to be the desperate one when it comes to trying to get through arguments and continue like we used to.

Learning from our mistaces,growing stronger as a relationship and couple,but she got over me before the actual argument had even gotten cold. She already has new besties she barely knows compared to me,and has replaced me on her stream screen,wich she honestly never even had on there.

Makes me question her on several areas,and the fact that shes over the top happy go lucky on her streams. I have heard about putting on a brave face,i know that feeling all too well,but i would have heard on her that she was truly sad and hurt on the inside,if thats truly what she felt like. I know her too well.

Im not gonna paint myself a saint in this argument,i did 2 things i wish i could take back,have undone/unsaid. But also honestly,she didnt do it easy for me by keep on neglecting me,and letting me find out on my own,that she was "breaking her own weekend rule,with people she LIVES ingame with throughout the week days".

I never play with her during the week anymore (before the argument) Because i back off and let her do her thing,i dont want to interupt,our playstyles crash and what not. I dont feel like im worthy of playing with her on stream,and she seems to have way more fun being over the top aggressive and toxic ingame,with sweaty players.

Im soo fu**ing respectful normally and patient its crazy,all i want from her is to let me know up front,if she runs off hanging out with people,when she has promised me that its our quality time,with no other persons involved.

Every day that goes by,i think of her every minute,every second. I cant stop breaking into tears,my heart aches too much,just longing for her to once again embrace me,wanting me also for the future.

I cant simply live without her,i havent done anything in 4 days but to use my last bit of draining energy on getting my love back,only to get coldly stomped on. I havent used the best of words always,but im sure she doesnt either if she were in a desperate love aching situation,she uses more fowl language on her streams,then i used against her. I never judge her for it though,im just saying.

I dont have a life anymore,she was my last bit of hope and sparkling light in a dark tunnel. I love you until i die,MissBanshee__! (Or until my heart and soul doesnt have energy left to scream out for you to come back to me) Why did you become so cold and evil? We could have come out of this argument even stronger. We both are to blame heavily,its just not one side. Why did you stop fighting for me? :(((

Unless you magicly come back,Goodbye my love! :((( #Heartbroken

The characters we first met ingame as,Johnny and Julie. I dont even have fun playing this game anymore,without her :(( Plz come back to me!?!

PS: Came to my attention that one of her moderators that looked over my unban request,calls me a stalker. Uhm,im technically her boyfriend and i have genuine strong feelings for someone i have gotten to know well for months. BTW,interesting of a moderator to say,knowing that one of the ones she plays with again now reguarly,is the biggest threatening stalker,and hated tcm community member ever,that even the devs has banned once already. That doesnt make much sence to me. And i dont bother her,im begging my "girlfriend" to speak to me,wich would make me relax,maybe get some appetite back (im super dizzy most of the days,im just slowly fading away)

She keeps on hurting me,by not responding and just blocking and banning me all over the place. Im simply just a "boyfriend" that needs to sort out missunderstandings and the argument from my side,so she can feel better too.... Im shocked that im being looked at as a stalker. Would i call her that if i blocked her and she kept trying to get in contact with me? No,because my love for her would want to hear her out,and start over. So now im just gonna wildly assume that she has taken the toxic path? Super unaffected,with a fresh argument she deserved to be "yelled at" for just behind her,but wich i also need to take my guilty parts from.

Are we 12 or are we both adults,how about we solve things in a non immature way???? She has sounded way too unaffected on both her streams,for someone that loved me as much as she claimed she did, I just find it all super immatured,toxic cold and evil. I did 2 mistakes,but its nothing compared to how she mistreated me. If she cant take me letting her know,then she will never learn regarding relationships.

[grimrester]

finished ep 3 of umineko (tailsgetstrolledreaction.png)

heres some more thoughts for my reference later

i dont feel like ive solved much more of the murder mystery part. i basically agree with the theory of the guy whos playthrough im watching so i wont bother transcribing them

i saw someone in the comments of that playthrough conceptualize the meta-narrative as "layers," which i like as a concept but i didnt agree with their setup so im doing my own.

i think narratively there are varying levels of "reality" in the game. in this description the higher the number of the layer, the less real/more fictionalized it is. people can move down through the layers freely, but cannot move up unless they are temporarily "brought" up by someone from an upper layer. the method they are brought up is by telling a story/roleplaying directly with them.

layer 0: a world completely analogous to our actual real world. unnamed in the story of umineko.

layer 1: the tea party for those who are not human. beato, bern, and lambda are all people from layer 0 who like to roleplay as witches and dress up. they meet up to tell each other stories as a hobby. battler is sometimes here because he is also a persona for a real-world person to interact with beato in her layered fiction. in ep 3, most of the tea party for those who are not human doesn't actually take place there, but it's put under that label because it's bern at the tea party talking about the backstory of one of her game pieces. new people from layer 0 can appear here at any time as they decide to join beato's storytelling game.

layer 2: the tea party/purgatory. it's referred to as a purgatory sometimes in the story of umineko because it's an intermediary place for the stand-ins for real people (beato, bern, lambda, and battler) to directly interact/roleplay with some of the characters they've created, outside of the "canon" story. it functions as a place for everyone to collaboratively work on the story in layer 3. the vast majority of characters are created by beato, and are based on real people she knows in layer 0. virgilia and ronove may or may not be stand-ins like battler and beato. they havent appeared in the not-human tea party yet but the way they interact with the story and the implication that ronove "made" kinzo makes me think they may appear there in the future, or could if they wanted to. the other characters not created by beato are: ange (initially birthed by beato as an off-screen character but given to and fleshed out by bern), evatrice (entirely a creation of lambda, though based on beato's eva).

layer 3: the island & the golden land. entirely fictional. events that happen here are not at all analogous to any events in layer 0, even if characters who exist here may be based on people from that layer. most of the characters on this layer don't have any direct free will and are being puppeted by someone else. everyone who exists in layer 1 and up is collaboratively working on the story that exists in this layer. it's initially beato's creation, which is why it's "her" game board, but she increasingly allows other people to participate.

if i were to compare the layers to real-world things: layer 0 is everyday irl, layer 1 is a lolita/cosplay meetup, layer 2 is a community discord server, and layer 3 is a google doc everyone (but mostly beato) in the discord server is writing in together

so, for example, when everyone appears in the tea party after ep 1, that's beato fucking about in the discord and rping as her characters talking about how cool and interesting the story she just wrote is. and at the end fellow discord member battler is like "no wait that's all a load of horseshit, your story has tons of flaws"

the lines between the layers are increasingly blurred over time as the stand-in personas increasingly interact with the characters, make new characters, and argue about the direction of the story.

[emissaryorca]

wrote the last line of a star’s equilibrium, added the last piece of art. I'm feeling things and I need them out somewhere, anywhere

thanks for giving this a chance, thanks to everyone who reviewed and spoke their mind (you know who you are) and to my smash bros discord server you have been more valuable in helping me patch my self-confidence than you’ll ever know. thanks for supporting my art and your insight. I’ve held onto this project bc it was the one thing i always loved unconditionally but now ive peeked out of my shell and seen enthusiasm it fills me with wonder and i hope to return the favor.

it’s a bit soul-burdening to admit after 12 or so years the au fic i’ve been working on is ~definitely finished~, considering ive done multiple drafts within the 50-150k range, but this one feels the most realized. wrote the epilogue, cried about the gravity, moving on. each version has carried me through some tumultuous points even if i don’t admit it’s me. i could’ve stopped at the 1st version, let it be a middle-school outlet to try to comprehend my situation, shifting focus + writing something else, but i think this fit. after the multitude of passes, this is the best version i believe i can achieve bc i see nothing left to take away. it's struck that "tuning fork" moment: all is well as it stands.

to wax poetic (you did click the read more) I think ive defined myself by absence and loss for so long it’s alienating to imagine a world that isn’t barbed and empty at the brims. So eventually this work became “no story I sell can make up for it, but it’s a story all the same. What comes next is up to you.” i’ve been terrified of that chance, the patterns themselves trite and morose, so i needed to see it in writing. i’ve been very good at pretending a joy that endures and understanding nothing new in the process. passages that seem + feel dour had to be that way bc i no longer wanted to lie to myself for someone else’s sake. in some cases i felt better hiding, yes, but i didn’t want to pretend to be warm for a feeling I thought couldn’t last.

but eventually someone was kind. multiple someones, in fact. i haven’t had to put on airs, havent hid the way i would if i presupposed borrowed ideas of dignity and scholarly writing onto a fan project i had actual passion for. i was no longer lying, and for once i wasn’t terrified without my shell. i was sharing art of a deeply personal world with servers of strangers, meeting open ears with thoughts whole and curious, and a part of me forgot how it felt to be scared. a miracle, honestly.

so if the protection of a lie won’t last then let me poke aboveground for the possibility of a world meant for no one kind of person yet w/ space for those who need it. years of writing, not from a desire to be algorithm-relevant or make waves. i just really cared. who knows? if I’m lucky i’ll have a few more.

[creatively-cosmic]

ill put this under a readmore in case folk DO wanna read into him on their own (also this is long) but. i got (several!!!!) nice comments thank u guys :] !! im just directly copy/pasting this from discord with spoiler blacked out..

taking a break on working on the monochrome reply again and im just thinking abt reds. reaction. like idk he might FEEL like a butthurt little bitch looking for problems but i think. idk. a big factor of what cody talks about is the lack of control they have- fearing it and never knowing when their autonomy might be taken away. red's strings have already been… broken in a sense- his game isn't meant to be played anymore, and i think- after █ ████ █████████ ████ ██████, his game was either tucked away or fully gotten rid of- it stopped circulating, he stopped getting players, and so. there was no more window.

i think he was looking for some big revelation. some massive catharsis to tell him that his beliefs, his hopes were right, that this wasn't just meaningless suffering, wishing to enter a world where he would feel no different. maybe it's hard for him to wrap his head around the fact that he could exist, not being plagued by a nihilistic knowledge that everything is meaningless and he's a pawn in something bigger, forever and always- maybe he takes it all as while the game would be gone, that existential dread and feeling of meaninglessness would still linger.

he wanted some big revelation. some big reveal that living on the outside was something grand he couldn't even imagine, something freeing in ways he couldn't begin to understand, something that would make him feel that greater freedom he craves. something that would make him akin to the godly figures he sees players as, things with control and an inherent sureness about them, a lack of fear and a certainty that their reality truly is real.

so it's kind of crushing. to hear that all the difference is- at least in his case, someone who's broken his strings (or at least, tangled them beyond recognition) and no longer has to abide by the game's rules, just has to know of them - is a lack of fucking music. he's freed himself by force of every law that plagues cody. so all he can really hear, all he takes away, is that even if he could ever escape... there's nothing more to attain. just powerlessness in a new way.

humans on the outside aren't all powerful. aren't all knowing. aren't anything like a god. it's just the same pathetic existence outside of his hell and in a different dimension.

like cody, the entire world of pokemon feels like a prison. difference is that there's nothing to satisfy what he thinks he craves, even if he got out. his mind and perception of reality is so irreversibly tattered, that just... what's the point?

nothing will ever be enough for a man so broken.

that was the discord messages but basically now using cody as a verbal punching bag is just a desperate attempt to distract himself. like i dont even think he's necessarily venting anger out on them on purpose he's just. distracting himself with "entertainment."

we havent gotten to talk much on. the GLITCHY RED aspect of mr glitchy red yet- how his experiences from that point in his life went on to mold how he is now, and how the inherent pain and constant sense of unreality he feels from those events and that knowledge still affects him. true to the drawing we posted a few nights ago, he went from fear, to unrelenting wrath, until he broke under the stress of that anger and this forbidden knowledge that he can never escape, and just... lost his mind. and his will to keep fighting.

now he just keeps eternally trying to distract himself and cling to whatever sensations can make him feel real again- which at this point, is an itch that is only scratched by pain. after all, "pain is a sign that we're still living." to feel anything in this digital body means there's still something tangible to him. at least he has that reminder. but he's sure as shit not suicidal- he wants to live more than anything,

honestly, maybe that's partially why he goes out of his way to provoke people... though that's still mostly his childish nature and the distraction of that "entertainment." idkk

now that the monochrome reply finally got finished i keep thinkin abt the psychoanalysis we did on red while working on the art a few days ago.. part of me reallyyyy wants to post it bc i love talking abt him but part of me wants to leave some of it up to interpretation...... i need him dissected like a frog in a science lab right now

[rivangel]

Hey! Your Laptop looks so cool!I love it. The stickers are awesome. Aw I get that anxiety feeling. I always feel that way, when I have to go to the office after working from home several weeks in a row. Ugh. But I'm glad you overall enjoyed your day! Yessss aot is amazing but I can't watch it all the time because I have a hard time coping that Levi isn't real. Thats why I prefer to read about him. Speaking of: I know I sent in a few hc I hope that was ok? Tell me if I'm being annoying! <3

dijvfiodvjiofj thank youuuuuu AH I FEEL EVEN MORE PROUD OF THEM NOW HEHE

it's been a lottttt worse than anxiety and so much to put up with. im so shitty at responding to stress (which is why im so chronically into fandom and fic LOL) but i know it'll get better when i adjust. healthy coping mechanisms help a lot. and plus i have a pop it fidget toy so thats instrumental in my peace of mind too

i go feral when i rewatch aot. im not (will never be) emotionally prepared to rewatch RtS but honestly an ugly sob session can be healthy. im rewatching it rn actually w some discord friends :33

noooo not you pls dont worry. the spam i was referring to was many asks within a few minutes of each other and maybe it's a nitpick boundary, but it's still a boundary and i hope ppl respect it. the repeated requests/asks/questions (again within minutes of each other) are stressful to me.

ive responded to all of yours actually!!! just havent been posted yet hehe. i recognize u every time u send smth in since we interact a lot so dw<3

[trackinghallownest]

they are eventually going to feel a little better and get everything patched up sdfjhdsfg

i’m still not 100% on how their mask gets fixed but i was thinking about/looking at that uhhhh broken pottery art that gets fixed by putting gold or smth in the cracks? and spindles lifeblood is already practically tree sap which could possibly harden into solid resin so i’m doing Various leaps of logic here but it looks neat ok

[lav-enderlemon]

when it feels like only one person in your campaign actually wants to play it