#i havent eat a meal in three days lol

[kikker-oma]

I HAVENT EVEN STARTED DAY 29 OF FEBUWHUMP AND ITS MARCH

Alr it’s march now which means…………

NATIONAL PENUT BUTTER LOVER’S DAY.

So here is what I think the chain’s favorite penut butter combos will be:

Time: smoothie with peanut butter, banana, and Lon Lon milk. Go to breakfast when with Malon. He will always want to savor it because he loves it so much but then like 2 hours later it is room temperature pretty much melted (?) and he only got halfway done. At that point Wind would probably steal the glass and chug it just to annoy him

Twilight: peanut butter on almost burnt toast, he toasted it too high one time and now absolutely loves it. Everyone judges him for eating burnt toast and is not convinced he actually likes it but generally does. Bonus points if it’s smooth peanut butter.

Sky: allergic to peanuts will eat it if someone makes it for him because he can’t say no but typically doesn’t eat it for obvious reasons. Surprised he’s still alive

Warriors: will take a slice of plain bread, not toasted, coat it with three times the amount of peanut butter and stuff it down in 0.2 seconds flat as he is used to not having enough time to sit down for a meal ( :( )

Legend: Makes the sandwiches but never eats them. He will only ever eat chunky peanut butter if it is smooth he will hate you. It is also 80% jelly and only 20% peanut butter because it’s “spicy”.

Hyrule: peanut butter and dirt mud pies. No other comment.

Wild: will spend 12 consecutive hours in the kitchen making a perfect peanut butter and jelly sandwich with homemade pb and same with jelly. Will get bread from Malon, toast it just right, butter it, and assemble it in the perfect format… only to accidentally drop it on the ground (we all know he’ll still eat it anyway)

Four: He needs structure, the peanut butter and jelly sandwich has to be perfect, a nice layer of smooth peanut butter, with a thin layer of the crunchy stuff on top. He also adds some almond’s for ✨aesthetic✨ he also uses the strawberry jelly that comes in those little packet things.

Wind: If he is not chugging Time’s old have drunken smoothie, he will legitimately reach into the peanut butter jar and scoop HANDFULS out. No spoon. Everyone hates him for it because he literally contaminates the jar for everybody but he does it anyway. Oh if he is “buying” his own peanut butter it’s probably stolen.

Ok I completely approve of Legends peanut butter to jelly ratio😌😌 especially if it's home made jam MMM. Delish

Any time I make a smoothie like Time I also usually only end up drinking half🥲 I wish I had a Wind around to steal the remains 😂

What's your favorite way to eat peanut butter Blare?? I usually eat a spoon of it alone🤗 no bread or sugar for me😭 (I'm on a diet LOL)

[evandorepart2]

longgggg fucking vent post under the cut. idk if it even counts as vent i am simply relaying information about the situation and i am unsure how i should feel right now

oh my fucking GOD my brother is such an asshole like. ok so whats happened over the past couple days is that

i hit a depressive period. it is Obvious -> since im depressed i dont have energy to eat or cook much and ive been struggling with making sure to eat Before this -> we have recently got groceries and there are muffins. before this i was literally eating a slice of bread so i would at the very least not pass out or vomit so obviously when we have that im going to switch to Depending on that -> this is something i do a lot, unconciously, to eat. i have a single 'meal' and stick with it until its run out. whether or not it has lots of steps.

what happened after this is

my brother gets pissed cause i ate all the muffins and he calls me a bitch and some other stuff idr cause i deleted the messages -> i am hanging by a thread and being confronted abt an insecurity on multiple levels makes me very upset -> i attempt to deflect these feelings by joking about it so that i can convince myself that im not upset -> he responds negatively and calls me annoying + brings up the fact that hes the only one whos been cleaning downstiars and subtly implying that im lazy and never do any work. a fact he Has said to my face despite this being proven Not True many times. and none of the Mess hes been cleaning up is mine since i have not been using the kitchen / using dishes / had items isolated to a single small table -> i get more upset and decide to be honest and write a short, frank note [bc this is all over text bc he never talks to me face to face] saying that i am depressed. its difficult to eat and i wasnt even Thinking of him [as he is someone who regularly gets on everyone else for eating junk sweet food so i dont think he wnats that stuff] and i apologize for being a dick and thank him for cleaning up.

after this he does not respond which means that there is nothing else he wants to say on the matter. that was a few days ago and i do not talk / go near him. ive phsyically seen him Three times since this exchange. and they lasted a few seconds since i quickly Left The Area.

today was the first time hes messaged me since then to tell me to do the dishes. i Was going to - was debating not to but then it got into my head as a Task I Need To Finish before i could continue what i was doing - but when i went downstairs he was on the couch and this scared me so i went back upstairs and was promising to do it tomorrow.

Until i had another breakdown and completely reorganized all my projects so i wouldnt have an unproductive spiral. and then i just finished so i thought Now i will do the dishes so i can get back into doing my Other Tasks. that is if they werent done - the thing with the dishes is that he said he was going to cook. which is how it usually goes. so its not like he just told me to clean LOL

but during this time i had headphones on which are sound proof and as i was going outside i took them off and realized the tv was on which means hes downstairs. and also i could smell meat cooking, meaning he was making dinner. its at this point i was like. whoops i didnt do the dishes that sucks but also. i Have told him i was in the middle of a depressive period. i havent been eating and i havent been leaving my room at all. even my father picked up on this. its easy to assume that he understands that hey! maybe youll tell me to do something and i just dont do it. for gods sake i didnt even answer the text bc i didnt want to say id do it and then not do it.

so i went to shower instead and felt really sick standing up since obviously i havent eaten and it feels like my stomach is caving in and i can smell food cooking which just makes it significantly worse.

which is whatever. i leave. i think about whether or not my pride will let me go downstairs when he tells me hes made dinner. NOTE: my father is gone today - hes partying with his work friends as a going away thing. so it is just us.

except! he hasnt texted me at all! in fact! its been half an hour since i know he cooked and nothing has been said to me. which leaves the options. he made something else and i can just fend for myself. he made the original meal [which was burgers and takes a while to do cause he does it from scratch] and was pissed that i didnt do the dishes so he didnt make me any. or hes still cooking and has yet to text me [doubtful]

which. i dont know which is worse! and i am unsure if i am allowed to be upset by this!

because on one hand yea. i was supposed to do the dishes and i couldnt even bring myself to do that.

but on the other hand. man im fucking depressed. it took two days of convincing to get me to brush my teeth again. i am getting physically ill from lack of food and ive been having casual thoughts of suicide again. and its not like he doesnt know. like ive told him. ive left out my diagnosis papers so he could see them - which he told me hes read ! im not 'suffering in silence' or whatever. im just FUCK i dont know. i hate this stupid family.

its like everyone looks at me and goes. yea you have problems. but the second i start i dont fucking know having problems everyone gets soooo mad at me and tells me how awful and lazy and how im literally never going to ammount to anything or do anything < real words that my brother had said ! he went off very long on how pathetic i am to my father and only 'apologized' like a day later when he was high which was barely even an apology he just said sorry and then hung up.

its like every time i try to get better and then everyone around me just. fucking i dont even know man. my mom hates me. my brother hates me. my father hates everything i like and everything i stand for and completely refuses to ever listen to me actually talk. im awful person to everyone around me and all my friends and im not getting out of this hell hole. nothing is going to change when i get to iowa. im just gonna be the same shitty person in an even shittier country with people and family that i hate

[clanoffelidae]

personal, but overall positive! just under a read more bc i have chronic 'cant shut up disease' lol, just about how learning that i have adhd has explained so much and where i am right now on my path to healing from it all

a big part of my life recently has been learning to accept that i dont have much to show for my time

that so many of my friends are doing things and have all these wonderful crafts and skills to show for it

and i have nothing

i have my voice, i have my love for them and encouragement, but i dont have much to hold up next to their work and say 'see, i can make things too!'

because i havent made much

and thats perfectly fine! no one HAS to make things. so long as youre content, thats all that matters

but it can be upsetting because i WANT to make things

i WANT to be able to hold up what ive done next to my friends stuff and say ive made my own things, just like them

ive always wanted to make things, and i still do

but lately ive been having to come to terms with the fact that i havent, and that thats okay

because im still healing

because i went my whole life being praised for being clever and smart and advanced, for getting good grades and earning outstanding scholarships based solely on my academic abilities

and then crying because i couldnt focus on the material for the exam i had in half an hour and that no matter how much i physically forced myself to pay attention to it and tried to read it out loud to myself my brain was refusing to process the information and it was slipping through my fingers like sand

and dealing with this for years, never understanding how everyone else could just hang out and study regularly and i always had to beat my brain black and blue to get it to focus long enough to learn a single thing, thinking it was all my fault because clearly the problem was an inherent flaw in my personality and i was just a lazy and no good person who was immature and would never grow up and that i guess i didnt care because everyone was saying that if i cared id be working on it and i thought i cared an awful lot but they cant all be wrong so i guess i dont actually care about anything because nothing else makes sense...

that i was constantly running on pure adrenaline because that was the only way i was able to accomplish ANYTHING

there was no 'work on it slowly over time'

i'd be spaced out daydreaming, or listening to music while pacing the halls up and down and up and down and up and down for literal hours, from the moment i got off classes to a short break for dinner to right back to it until i forced myself to go to bed

just walking and walking and pacing and pacing and listening to music and daydreaming bc that was the only thing my brain was happy with

and looking back now, my god, i was acting like a tiger whose entire enclosure is a small concrete box three times its body length and so all it can do is pace back and forth and back and forth and back and forth

and by the time i graduated college i was so broken the mere thought of more schooling filled me with sheer dread, where i was so tired and worn down i barely even understood what i was doing anymore, i didnt want anyone to explain the 'why' or the 'how' of what it was they wanted me to do, i just wanted them to tell me what to do and leave me alone because even that was so close to more than i could handle

i couldnt take care of myself and had to be hassled at every turn to accomplish things i NEEDED to do, because they were hard and i couldnt do them until i was practically yelled at

and the thing is that im still doing that

not to the same extent, god no. i actually manage to keep relatively on top of my chores now, ive gotten into the routine of brushing my teeth every day properly, making sure i take a shower and moisturize (to be fair thats mostly because my hands are dry as shit bc i work in a lab lol, so they need lotioning after my shower), taking my meds, forcing myself to always eat SOMETHING at every meal time even if i cant manage what i 'should' eat, and ive started cooking again

not much, and its rare that i even extend my reach from 'grilled cheese' to 'boxed foods that require like 20-30 minutes instead of 5', but im starting to make food again and feed myself properly instead of either buying premade meals or just hoping i dont drop dead from whatever im hastily scarfing down with no thought to the nutritional value of it

im working on getting medicated and slowly learning how to be a person again after crashing myself so hard i think the only reason i didnt contemplate something more extreme is because i nearly died in 2019 and will never take one moment for granted

but my primary free time activity is still pacing and listening to music, lost in my own head and wearing a path into my apartment's floor

(hey im getting my steps in lol)

but i understand why now, and i understand why it can be so hard for me to pull myself away from that and make myself do other things

(if i were an ancient being i think i would be the one who walks endlessly without rest while softly singing a neverending song)

and that its not my fault, its not something wrong with me as a person in terms of my own personality or maturity or how hard im trying, its not something i can really control

and that part of learning how to heal from the damage its caused me is learning how to forgive myself for it

and so no i dont have much to show for my time, no i dont have many hobbies or little crafts to show for how productive i am and all my thoughts and all the wonderful little things i can and want to make

im too busy healing and remembering what its like to be alive

if i get one or two little things done here and there over the course of a few months that i can hold up and say 'look!!! i made something!!!' then thats wonderful, if not, if i come out those months with nothing to show for it and all i can say is 'i fed myself and brushed my teeth and went to bed on time and did my chores' then by god that is so much more than i wouldve been able to say a year and a half ago

no im not much of a 'content creator', even if i have so many ideas and want to make so many things that i want to share with so many people

and thats okay

because ive got something else that needs my time and energy right now

me

edit: want to clarify that by 'not something i can control' i mean that while i can find tricks and ways to make things easier to work WITH my adhd rather than against it i cant help having it and i cant help the fact that my brain is now wired differently because of it and that i cant do things in the same way as everyone else as a result

[trekkiehood]

Attention everyone I ate an entire burger today be proud

[mrfoox]

Roo anytime he hears how shit I eat: YOU GOTTA GET SOME PROTEIN/MEAT/VEGETABLES IN YOUR DIET

Me and my autistic super anti food brain: haha, I sure do

[king-there0f]

The first three questions (or just the first) for Jade please!

Thank you for the ask @danieco ! Tagging you directly in this one cuz when I attached images tumblr weirdly flagged it as adult content ???? So idk if it will show up for you or not??

What is their go-to drink order?

Wine! (Red, usually, though he is always one to choose a wine to properly compliment his meal.) Jade is, unfortunately, a wine snob. Hilariously rolling to appraise the value of certain bottles of wine was a thing I was doing with surprising frequency at the very beginning of the game I was playing him in lol. Lots of “can I roll to see if these wines are from a good year?” Kinda thing hahaha. Does this make Jade a wine aunt…? Your really shitty judgmental wine aunt.

What is their grooming routine?

Back in the Before Times, before he got cursed and then cursed again, I imagine Jade had a very “That Girl” routine. Very early riser, eats only the most perfectly balanced meals, has a thorough skin care routine, etc… the kind of performative unrealistically perfect routine that most ritsy high elves are expected to have. but Now I think he is more of a “do not talk to me until I have had my tea” which he regularly pours a shot of whiskey into kind of guy lmao. A very “shows up to the dnd party 30 minutes late with starbucks” kinda dude. A “technically I dont sleep but I wake up on the proverbial wrong side of the bed every day of my life” sorta vibe. You know he still has an over complicated skin care routine tho.

What was their most expensive purchase?

I think it’s probably his flute. Largely unused now (on account of, ya know, the curse) I think back when he was a prodigy he had it custom designed by some famous expert elvish craftsman. I still havent super settled on its detais but something like this maybe?

[junghelioseok]

Im back with a part 2 that could also be a standalone oajdowjd. Im the one who went out with Antonio.

When I was 19, after my freshman year of college, i was home for the summer. I saw him again at a party for the first time in years. And he was even hotter and im weak hearted so when he asked me to dinner i said yes.

We were texting until the day of the date and his vibes were just weird. He was always so nice but he seemed...condescending? He kept asking me where we were going to eat and when i told him i didnt mind he got legitimately mad at me. I picked TGIFs cause i figured its cheap and not bad.

Wrong choice. We get there and hes looking at the menu and the first thing out his mouth is the prices, how its too much. My stomachs in knots and this is exactly why i didnt want to pick. I ended up getting a 6$ soup which i couldnt even finish lol. He got a steak and then desert after so ???

But anyway hes nitpicking everything i do. When hes telling me a story and i respond with something like oh yeah thats happened to me before too! Or the like, hes telling me that im trying to one up him and he doesnt like it. I was confused af lol. AND hes on his phone the WHOLE time.

Now hes driving me home and hes STILL texting. Im frustrated at this point so i tell him texting and driving makes me uncomfortable. He then PULLS OVER so he can keep texting, acting like its such a hassle. In the car window, i can see the reflection of his phone. He was texting his ex. Whose name had 8 hearts next to it.

Once he gets me home, he says "text me because i wont text you first" i didnt text him lmao. Im 27 now and i havent seen him since. Im still confused wtf that was

hello again babe! 💕

and wow. antonio may have gotten hotter, but he also got WORSE. he really went from calling you "kinda annoying" to full on condescension, huh? guess he picked that up from his snobby friends! you know the saying, "when people show you who they are, believe them"? like, all here for that, but damn if it isn't hard when they're attractive! smh 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

and this dinner, WOW. he got dessert after his steal meal? too expensive, my ass. and can i just say, one of my biggest pet peeves is people who are on their phone all the damn time when they're spending time with people. the doctor i was seeing had exactly one thing going for him (well, two if you count the fact that he was very hot lmao and three if you count the fact that he'll have $$$ one day 🤣) and that was that he was fully engaged with me when we were together. didn't so much as pull out his phone unless it was to show me photos of the friends he was telling me stories about. fuck people who think their screens are more important than you are! the texts will still be there when the date is over!!! 🤦🏻‍♀️

jfc, i would've called him on texting while driving too. the sheer irresponsibility of it all! and just to text his ex??? NOPE!!! thank god you didn't text him because that whole man deserves to be thrown away.

at least you can rest easy knowing that his looks will fade, but his shitty personality won't! 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

[galaxymagick]

200913 @leo_jungtw instalive

he said hii with a kinda husky voice aaa and asking if we're doing well

"what are you guys doing these days? im doing well without hurting anywhere? (to a fan) eh you shouldnt push away ur studies (just to watch me)"

okay so he did house chores after he woke up and drank coffee, studied and composed a bit

he went to hyogi's house yesterday night but it was not that long then he went to his home and he said they didnt take selcas T.T

during march/april, he moved to another house(?) and doing some remodelling and said it was hard haha that he doesnt want to do it again in the future

okay he is reading japanese comments

omg he once reached 70kg but since it was hard to exercise and bcs he is currently controlling what he eats so he is now 68 kg T.T

a fan said that he was skinny during mydol but he said that his weight during that time was 68 kg omg

he said he didnt have any thought to lose weight so he will try to reach the weight that is easy to maintain(?) and can be reduced when he wants

fan: you will look good in any shape 

leo: haha i can just laugh at this..haha..

omg he didnt shave that much these days 

"you should do much more than you think in order to lose weight" 

okay he is not dieting he is just maintaining his health so he eats rice during lunch and eats salad for dinner

"hahaha of course my hair is black now" 

okay so he said you guys dont have to diet because of me just because im doing it.. 

so fans are asking him to show(i didnt catch it but i think his face?) for just a minute but he knows that we will share it among the fans so yeah..ahaha

he is playing a some part of his composed song aaa thank youu boi

he is using lots of genre in his music these days 

haha he is putting effort to lay down on bed before 11 or 12 am okay so it's about his bedtime guys

he cant read fanletters now since the policy in his current company doesnt allow it 

he and hyuk had about one to two glass of wine yesterday while talking about lots of thing..

"i wONT SAVE THIS LIVE"

oh he talked about the food truck support that marie antonoutte cast including him sent to minhyun for his drama and he said they always put short message such us "hwang minhyun hwaiting" lolololol

fan: why dont you show us your face

leo: noo it is just nothing.. i might show my face someday, who knows right?

"okayy we will see again in the next three weeks" then a fan asked "are you busy" and he really laugh cutely while saying "no im not busy haha"

fan: it's hard to prepare for work

leo: true especially during corona there will be not much oppurtunity but i do believe that you will do well

i wONT SAVE THIS LIVE AND I WONT UPLOAD SELCA AFTER THIS

are you resting well? (in english)

"yesss" (in english)

"minyul is currently at the age of puberty( like he is going to a mature phase) and he is not an ordinary kid, he really talks well and he will go to elementary school in 1 years and 6 months..im so shocked"

fan: nice to meet you leo

leo: wdym im about to sleep now

leo and his behavior calling minyul baby and minyul will be like "no pls call me kid now, my little sister is a baby now"

"so another week is starting tomorrow and i hope you guys will be spending it well, im thankful that we can meet like this and lets meet each other on a good day soon"

"eat well, dont go to crowded place, wear your mask, wash your hand, lets go for a long time, good night"

okay guys remember this okay!!

trans cr: @jaehwansfacts

ㅇㅅㅇ : Today I woke up then take a bath then drink coffee then clean my house then doing laundry then do this and that.. oh! I had English class today!

ㅇㅅㅇ: I came down after weighing 70kg! now I'm about 68kg..

ㅇㅅㅇ : (during doing laundry) I dont turn on the dryer because the scent of the fabric softener won't come. I tried about 5 fabric softeners but it doesn't fit so I just dry my laundry naturally.

ㅇㅅㅇ : (VIXX) Fan manager contacted me today saying that I said I'm trying to do live (instagram) twice a month but 3 weeks have passed, she even told me the exact date. So I said "alright..." (then do the live)

ㅇㅅㅇ : I'm working on many genres (writing and making song) these days. Leo-like song is great but Im trying to make non Leo-like song too!

ㅇㅅㅇ : Yesterday I went to Hyogi's house. We didnt take a selca. I made a scene and came back home..

ㅇㅅㅇ : We drink 1~2 glasses of wine and talk about this and that a lot..

ㅇㅅㅇ : Since jelpi is also having WFH (work from home), I havent read the fanletter since 3 weeks ago (till now). But I've received and read the letter I got before 3 weeks ago. Since its WFH I cant go to jelpi (to received the fanletter)

ㅇㅅㅇ: Minyool is going thru puberty. He is not an ordinary brat. He will be annoyed if someone called him "baby" he wants to be called "kid" Rolling on the floor laughing then I said to him "let's see when u understand the meaning of allowance money in two years, u will only come to find me.."

ㅇㅅㅇ: Today will be end soon. Just like what you said Im trying to do this Live till 11pm. It was a great time, and I'll see you soon, so don't be sad. Let's meet on a good day! Cheer up for another week! eat well and don't go to crowded places, make sure to wear a mask! Wash your hands well! Bye! Sleep well! Let's stay together for a long time, see you for a long time.

trans cr: @wantshik

taekwoon: anything is better than growing a mustache?

also taekwoon: i haven't been shaving these days

taekwoon: when i gain weight, i work out and go on a diet, you have to do more than what you can think of then you'll lose weight, if you don't you can't lose it

taekwoon: i don't eat salads for all three meals, i eat rice in the day and eat salad for dinner

taekwoon: "taekwoon ah you've lost weight" it's bc you haven't seen me recently~

taekwoon reading a comment: "what am i if i'm not on a diet"

taekwoon just played a piano melody from something he's working on ; _____ ; he said he's been working on many different genres, those that are leo-like and those that aren't

taekwoon said he's been reading all the fan letters recently~

taekwoon: i drank one, two? two glasses of wine with hyuk and we talked a lot

taekwoon said that 손준호님 bought him his washing machine djknsgkjk he was like "you joined (my live) to hear this right!!!" literally when he first realized he came in taekwoon was like ah why did you join !!! and someone commented that they just heard hyog's tone

taekwoon: "are you resting well enough?" yes~!

taekwoon refuses to save his live and he's like , even if i don't save my live some of yall will so don't worry lmao

taekwoon: (laughs) i'm going off, what's "it's nice to see you leo-nim"? lol

taekwoon: minyool isn't just an ordinary kid he talks really well and it surprised me

dksjngkdjgndk he says minyool gets annoyed when you call him a baby now bc he wants to be called a kid !!!! also when he's being a brat taekwoon's like just wait till two years later when you understand the concept of allowance and you'll come finding me LMAO

some of the songs he played during the live🎶

🎶 a safe place to land - sara bareilles ft. john legend 🎶 shiny - sara bareilles 🎶 norman fucking rockwell - lana del rey 🎶 happiness is a butterfly - lana del rey

trans cr: @liaxiovi

[rainingspellforlove]

falling again.

Tell me once again, tell me you love me like, you did that day.

 I couldn't believe it, everything about you was like looking in the mirror, we were so much alike. 

 But your lips that had spoken of love, don't say a word like they're locked shut, I can't understand with my heart, why you said you loved me. 

 But now you're trying to run away 

                                                                              Baekhyun - Love Again

The continuation of shouldnt have. 

It's been three months since then. Hyukjae been living well in Tokyo. He did his best to overcome his broken state. He did many things there and it really helped him a lot. He did yoga class, worked out his body, studied new languanges, even composing some new songs. for these three months, he already recovered well and he can back to his normal bubbly self again.

Hyukjae decides to come back to korea after feeling well. In a sunny sunday morning, hyukjae finnaly arrived at south korea. He walked alone with lot of luggagges with his mask on. Then he saw one familiar face to pick him up,

"Lee hyukjaeee"

"Hyunggggg"

Leeteuk comes to pick him up because he promises to grab a meal together later in a seafood restaurant..

"How are you hyukjae? Feeling better?"

"Eung of coursee hyung. I cant wait for our comeback finally"

"Of course we will have best of the best for this comeback. Lets work hard okay"

"Sure"

Then they enjoy talking to each other about how hyukjae's life in tokyo and how about the members doing while he was gone. They were doing pretty well with their individual schedule as well.

"Uhm so how was him? Is he doing pretty good these days?"

"You dont contact him at all?"

"Nope hahahaha"

"You really want to get rid of him huh?"

"Not to that extend lol he did messaged me sometimes, for the first week i went to japan, he texted me a lot like "what should i do" "im sorry" "i'll do everything for you to forgive me" "please" he did it so many times until 5 days maybe? Then i replied at the 6th day , i said "im okay. Youre not at fault. Just live your life as usual okay? Im fine here dont worry. " 

"I thought you blocked him lol"

"No way i cant block him we're still gonna work together right"

"Wah our pro-idol lee hyukjae. Amazing im proud of you. "

"Nothing's to be proud of. So how's he been?"

"Nothing special because we didnt meet him often bcs of our individual schedule"

"Oh then?"

"But i already met him few times actually asking him for a meal together, he wasnt like himself either i think. His soul is like leaving his body lol"

" He's not that lonely right if i left him like that? He already had a lover anyway"

"I dont know either. maybe you both need to talk it out, dont you feel it to try to talk to him?"

"Yeah ive been thinking about this too hyung. Maybe i will talk it out with him later"

"Good then"

After getting a meal with leeteuk, hyukjae comes back to the dorm with the help of leeteuk to bring his lugagges. And when he opened the door,

"Suprisseeee welcome back uri myeolchii"

Turned out the members already prepared the welcome back surprises with many foods and confettis.

"Oh my goddd guyss hahahahhaa"

"Welcome back uri hyukjaee, lets eat together!!!" Shindong said

"Yesss lets celebrate!" leeteuk finally said

Then they eat happily and tell so many funny stories like they always did.

"How is it at tokyo?" kyuhyun asked

"It's fun of course i did many stuffs there to clear my mind"

"Im glad you're feeling well right now.. we're so worried about you really. You should think less and dont overthink too much okay? You have us to lean on man!" yesung said

"yeah, we can help you anytime bro just tell us about anything" ryeowook said

"Of course i will haha im totally fine right now really!!"

Actually there's donghae too there who's been just smiled blandly at the situation. Fortunately bcs of this crowded condition, no one realized that donghae havent talked a single word to hyukjae yet. Then some times after they had fun and ate well, the members starts to go home one by one. There's leeteuk and donghae left , ofcourse with kyuhyun and hyukjae too.

so hyukjae  cleaned the dishes first and the rest of them cleaned the main room. When hyukjae washes the dishes, donghae actually comes to him and helps him cleaning the dishes

There's like silent in them for like few seconds.

"So, how have you been?" Hyukjae starts off the convo

"Nothing much it's just the same. You?"

"Yeah i did many stuffs there"

"Oh... im glad then"

Then silence again..

"Uhm, i- apologize for-"

"Nah it's not a thing for you to apologize anyway. Im totally fine"

"but im not..."

Silence again....

"Why? It's not that youre lonely without me right?" Hyukjae jokes

"hm maybe?" They laugh softly

Then hyukjae tried to ask something.

"How's thing with her?"

Donghae feels a bit flustered..

"yeah we're fine" said donghae plainly

"Good then"  hyukjae smiled

"I miss you" finally donghae said it

"I miss you too.. lets work hard more for our comeback soon. Lets just get back like we used to be okay?" but hyukjae not acting like he’s flustered. he acts cool

"Uhm sure.. "

Then hyukjae was about to go to the main room then donghae said

"im sorry.. lemme just say.. ehm- dont cry again hyukjae."

"sure i wont" hyukjae left and smiled after that..

flashback

The day after hyukjae went to japan, donghae was like a soulless man. He ignored all of the calls and messages in his phone. He just wants to talk to hyukjae. He wants to meet him rightaway but he cant. He cant disobey leeteuk because he always obedient to all leeteuk's words. He resisted himself and stayed at his house for almost a week. He ignored all of the messages and phone calls. He just wanted to see hyukjae's reply. But he didnt reply at all. He didnt answer his calls either.. donghae was really like a zombie.. then hyukjae suddenly replied to his messages in the 6th day. Donghae was startled like hell. Then he replied.

"it hurts to see you cry dont cry again.... im so sorry. I dont know what should i do... dont hate me...please.... im so sorry"

But then of course hyukjae didnt reply him again.

Actually donghae became so confused after hyukjae left. He thinks about him a lot. He thinks how hyukjae acts around him this whole time. He just realized this whole time, hyukjae must be suffered to hide this feeling alone. When he's the one being so touchy and stuffs....

He didnt know either why he feels so hurting while he's the one who hurts his friend. He hates being left especially when his important person who did it to him. He feels so confused after hyukjae left. He didnt know what happened to his mind recently. He cant think of anything. His mind was full of hyukjae. especially the kiss he gave that night. 

It feels like he poured all of his feelings to it.. but it was the most heartbreaking kiss that he ever felt. the tears that fallen in his cheeks. and his warm lips that melts into his. 

he hates to acknowledge this but he wants to feel it again... but not after feeling like this.   he missed hyukjae so much... it feels so wrong but he missed him so much......

but life must go on,  donghae tried to forget this confusing feelings and try to meet his girlfriend.

He actually met her few times. But donghae always didnt look fine at all. He always been on his mind and cant focus on her at all. And it's always been like this..

Donghae didnt seem to reply at her mesaages as often as before. And he rarely pick up her calls. Donghae was like a whole different person.. sometimes he would be ignorant or careless... even he was not actually like this.. 

he had a fight with his girlfriend recently.. because donghae keeps losing his focus when they met. And he keeps ignoring her messages and calls. He said that he was busy with works and stuffs. Still his girlfriend had it enough and asked him for break up. Donghae asked her not to end it so quickly. he said they can figure it out together. But his girlfriend insisted that they must break up. She was so tired of him. So they break up in their 5 months.. 

Donghae was shattered... he was miserable..

 he thought "maybe life was fair enough"

end of flashback

Donghae intentionally didnt tell hyukjae that he's already breaking up with his girlfriend. He thinks maybe it's for the best to stay like that. It's already been 1 month since he had broken up. And it's the time for hyukjae to come home to korea too. Actually donghae already recovers from his broken state too after 1 month. But now he saw hyukjae is a whole different. He's like happier, shining, and lovelier. It's like he's really getting himself better. He's getting way cuter... donghae seems a lil bit flustered to see hyukjae arrived... he was stunned for a lil bit. 

“is it just me or he gets cuter after coming back......” he thoughts.

Fortunately after their little talks, they can be like they used to be again.. 

The comeback is near.. so they keep practicing and practicing. They have been busy all the time after hyukjae arrived. They have been busy with many things to prepare the comeback.

Hyukjae is working hard too. He's even more refreshed for now. Donghae and hyukjae come back as they are used to be. Playful to each other. They are just being professional to not mix their private life and works. So they act like the things that happened 3 months ago are also dissapearead.. they just act like nothing happened.

They finally released their comeback songs successfully. It was a hit and success. They did many shows, interviews, and some variety shows to promote their comeback. They are so busy because of these schedules. But they are happy because finally they did a comeback again after a long time.

So after the day they brought a first win from mcountdown, they celebrate it in a restaurant and have a big feast there. Then they had drunk too after having those meals. It’s time for going home and there were no schedule tomorrow so leeteuk said just rest well for tomorrow. The members are going home one by one.

"Hyung, tomorrow i will have schedule for new journey to the west, so i cant come home with you. Is it okay for you to come home alone?"

"Nah it's okay. Bye bye kyuhyuna"

But actually hyukjae is in drunk state so he will go with his manager to come home.

then donghae comes

"I can take him home, i bring a car here so you dont need to worry managernim"

"Oh? You bring a car? Okay then i'll just come with you." 

Then hyukjae and donghae go home together with donghae's car. It's the first time for them having a drive like this for just both of them. 

"Hyukjae-ya, are you sober enough?"

"Hmmm 60% sober i tthink why?"

"Actually i want to tell you something"

"What is it?"

"I... i broke up with her"

"Her? Your lover? Why?" suddnely he’s 90% sober up

"Some things happened and we fights then she asked for breaking up. uhm yea thats it"

"Oh.. since when?"

"It's been like almost 2 months before our comeback"

"Ah... so you already broke up that time i ask you?"

"Hm yes.... sorry for not telling you the truth, im just scared that it will make you uncomfortable yknow"

"It's okay i understand... uhm.... so, you okay?"

"Yeah i had been not okay that time but right now i feel better a lot"

"Good for you then, hope you can find another person who's better for you then. life must go on right" 

Then silence... donghae doesnt give him any replies. 

They stopped at the red lights apparently..

"Do you already have a person you like this moment?" Suddenly donghae asked

"no there isnt. I didnt think of it at all because we've been so busy"

"Youre right"

Then the green light appears..

Donghae drives again... 15 minutes in silence and finally arriving at hyukjae's dorm..

"Okay.. would you want me to take you to your room or-?"

It turned out hyukjae already sleeps. He didnt dare to wake him so he puts hyukjae in his back and piggy backs him to his room.... and he still sleeps soundly at donghae’s back.. 

Donghae puts hyukjae to his bed and tucks him in the bed softly.. then unconsciously, donghae leans in to hyukjae's face..

Donghae pressed a soft kiss to his forehead...

"What if you're the better person for me hyukjae? What you’re gonna do if i fall for you?" He said while carressing his hair softly.. 

After that, donghae turned off the lamp and went home rightaway....

actually hyukjae didnt fall a sleep at all... 

he listened to all of them.

"The hell is that just happened...... oh my freaking God what the hell just happened....." he wakes up rightaway.

Hyukjae still can feel donghae's kiss in his face. he cant sleep at all that day. Even after hyukjae's arrival, they had been in a good terms. It is like nothing happened back then. They acted like they used to. Everything seems so natural. There were no feelings for each other.. hyukjae completely erased his feelings for donghae but why did he act like that last night....

"God he's confusing me again.... "

After that confusing situation for hyukjae, he will never know that was the start of all donghae's affections to him.

 and it's likely more affectionate than he ever imagined.

They did many shows and got many interviews. In those shows, donghae always finds chance to get close to hyukjae even doing some skinships to him. But it's like he did it unconciously and natural. It's like the usual donghae but it's more clingy than usual.

He's always backhugging him when they played something, or when in a music show ending, and many more. But hyukjae just lets him bcs he didnt want to be so obvious of avoiding donghae in the tv or shows.

Hyukjae hates to admit this but he liked it. It's like he misses these moments so much but in fact he's already moving on.... or...... are those feelings coming back again...

His warm and soft touches against his body are endearing. He just loves those affections. He missed how to be loved by someone...

But he didnt want to admit it.... never. it’s too contradictive. his mind says he’s already moved on but his heart told him otherwise. 

He still cant get over what donghae said few days ago....

Day by day passed by, and the promotions are coming to an end...  they did their last music shows on inkigayo. hyukjae went to the rooftop to rest for a lil bit because the members are just too noisy right now.. he didnt feel like to talk too much today. 

"what are you doing here alone hyukjae-ya?" 

"Oh donghae, uhm nothing just sight seeing" he’s startled by his voice

Donghae comes to hyukjae

"Do you have something burdening you?

"No actually i just feel grateful finally we can success this comeback.."

"im proud too for myself and the members too. we’re doing great"

“right” 

they smiled together and felt the wind that breezed for them. and hyukjae got some dust into his eyes

"Aaah my eyes" he tried to rub his eyes but donghae held his hands

"Hyukjae-ya are you okay? Which eyes?"

"Leftt aaaah its stuck"

“dont rub it, i’ll blow it for you”  

Then donghae just blows a little to hyukjae's left eyes while cupping hyukjae's cheek.  hyukjae’s heart is pounding like crazy while he did that

"I-Is it gone?"

"Maybe.." hyukjae tried to open his eyes and he's surprised, donghae was just 5 cm in front of him

Then donghae looks into hyukjae's eyes  and carresses his cheeks softly... hyukjae cant back off and staring into donghae’s eyes also

"I think you're more beautiful in this comeback" while holding his cheek.

"How so? I just feel so usual"

"It's your eyes. Your eye make up is stunning"

"U-uhm thanks"

“this comeback fits you so well”

They still stood like that for a while until donghae leaned in to hyukjae.. and hyukjae automatically closes his eyes... donghae just pressed a soft kiss into hyukjae's left eye...

Then he pulls out and smiles..

"You must be tired today. Lets just go home.." donghae said and grabbed hyukjae's hand to enter the building...

Hyukjae is dazed and cant say a single word... he just follows him to the building in silence... 

One day hyukjae drinks alone again in the usual bar. He just wants to drink because he wont have no schedule tomorrow.. and he talks alone in the bar.

"Im getting confused again. Why did he do that then?"

"If im just a rebound of his broken heart, i swear i would kill him rightaway.. gosh but he's already broken up from long time ago... eish but i doubt he likes me though he's fucking straight"

"he's weird. Or am i? Huh idk"

Hyukjae been blabbering for himself there for a few minutes..

Then such a coincidence happened, there just came donghae and jinu who were hanging out with the others because it's their friends who own this bar.. and donghae just watched hyukjae drunk alone and ran to him quickly. his face shows he’s worried as hell. 

"lee hyukjae.. hey what are you doing here? I thought you slept because you didnt reply me at all. you cant come drinking alone like this. you know you cant support youself enough while drunk. why are you like this?"

"Oh hey cheonsanim is it my death yet? Why there's cheonsa here.. thats so weird" he blabbers and doesnt listen to donghae’s nagging at all

"Hey get yourself together hyukjae-ya" 

"Oh im totally fine! what time is it? I should go practicing. let me go. comeon lets practice!!!"

"There's no practicing schedule for today and it’s almost midnight... lets just go to your dorm"

"No but cheonsanim, there's still liquor left i must finish-"

"Shut up and just lets go home. understand?" donghae’s face becomes all serious suddenly. and hyukjae shuts his mouth and let donghae do what he wants. he’s kinda scared too actually even he’s drunk. 

Donghae just pulled hyukjae from the seat and put his arms into his shoulder and starts walking to the car.. donghae brings him home again... like that day

after the silence for a while, donghae finally softened and his serious face gone

"This reminds me of how you were so drunk back then and you keep sobbing because of me.."

"Back then i really didnt know. Yes im a fool didnt realize your feeling and im a fool too bcs i fell in love too easily with some women. Maybe im just too lonely. But i realized that i actually not lonely this whole time. I have you. Thats a shame of me who didnt realize it. Im just so sorry.."

He said while holding hyukjae's hand. Meanwhile hyukjae is sleeping since donghae starts driving.. he’s always like that after being drunk. he sleeps rightaway. 

"You're becoming more refreshed and stunning. Im so flustered to see you like “ah it turned out im really friend with this beautiful human?" Thats exactly my thoughts for you when u came back"

"then i doubt it myself why would i have that kind of thoughts. I feel like i wanna have you for myself. Your cute face, funny jokes, and even your weird actions. It's like i wanna keep it all for myself. I even got jealous when you acted cute in front of the fans lmao i shouldnt do that but idk myself is just being weird."

"i love those smiles of yours. Your gummy smile. Thats just so pretty. It warms me up. I even think why didnt i realize i live with the prettiest angel for this 20 years." 

donghae still driving while looking at the road.. and he keeps pouring his words...

"Youre really my important person hyukjae. I wont ever erase you from my list. Youre my person... your presence to me is a healing and strength. Without you im nothing. You complete me. You're really my everything. Please just erase those bad memories of us. Just let me fill it again with good memories of us... let me try again.. im hoping i can be your source of sunshine too.. like you give me those warmest smiles every time we met... thats the most amazing feeling ever..."

Then silence...

"I knew you're not sleeping right... im not asking you for anything but i just wanna tell you that... and we're almost arrived"

Hyukjae cant hide again from his so called sleeping,, then he’s awkwardly wakes up and straighten his back... 

"uhm.. uhmm..  thats quiet long speech of yours.... uhmm okay..."

Honestly hyukjae is speechless as hell, he never knew donghae will talk it out and he's basically confessing??? But thats so ambiguous...

"Can i hug you?" Donghae asked before hyukjae opened the car's door

"uhm s-sure"

Then donghae hugs him... donghae's hugs always feels so warm... his big body is covering hyukjae's small body... it’s always been these hugs that he loved the most.

donghae who circling his arm into hyukjae’s neck and hyukjae who hugs donghae’s waist tightly.. its always been like this. their typical hugs from time to time. 

"dont go out alone to drink.. bring me,   so i will take you home"

hyukjae just nods in  his warm embrace.. 

Donghae takes off his arms from hyukjae and presses a soft kiss to hyukjae's forehead...

"Good night.. rest well for today"

 hyukjae is gotta explode. 

He's confused too and doesnt know what to do either. But his mind is a total mess right now so he acts like he's totally not in his right mind too.

his act and his mind are always fighting. it’s not completely going in a one way. it’s totally contradictive!!

hyukjae in his not right mind suddenly leaned in and kissed donghae's cheek quickly. 

He's so red and dying inside, then he just

"g-g-good night too bye bye" he's so flustered and running quick to his room

Donghae who feels hundred times flustered than hyukjae, cant even move a flinch after hyukjae's cute lil kiss. He's smiling like an idiot and messed up his hair. 

"im really going crazy" 

Meanwhile in the other side, hyukjae runs to his room and throws himself to his bed and screams.

"arghhhhhh why did i do that you fool lee hyukjae you fooool"

One day after that lil kiss event, donghae asked hyukjae (as if nothing happened) to a drive. he’s that amazing to act like nothing happened between them. 

"hyukjae, are you free this sunday?"

"Uhm maybe, why?" hyukjae pretends nothing happened too. BUT he’s just pretending. so he just replied casually

"i want to have a drive, wanna come? its no fun if i drive alone"

"u-uhm sure. But where to?"

"Hmmm it's up to you"

"Me ? Ah no, it's you who should decide donghae-ya"

"Finee, then beach? Lets watch sunset. How?"

"Call! Good idea!"

"Okay see you on sunday i'll pick you up"

"Of course"

Hyukjae didnt know why he agreed to his plans lmao he’s too excited to watch sunset. 

"eish what should i do.. that god damn smile wtf i cant even ignore him"

"Nah its okay we're usually like this. Its a usual thing for us to have a drive tgt. We even watch sunrise together every year.. it shouldnt be a bad thing right........ right..... but for now i should try calming my heart more" he’s trying to convince his heart more 

Sunday comes and they really go to the beach....

They have so much fun in the car, they sing and laugh happily in the car.. hyukjae who jokes a lot while donghae who gives his best reactions to it. It's just their  another ordinary days.. but its been so long so they're beyond excited for themselves.

It's winter and they wear warm clothes right now.

"Hyukjae, dont you feel cold of just wearing that coat?"

"Ah this. Hmm maybe i can bare it haha"

"You can wear my padding, i'll wear yours"

"Eish no need. Im fine really"

"Uhm okay then"

They have arrived at the beach and they go to the side of the beach while playing with the water. They had so much fun playing and running for each other.. they're just like kindergartens..

"It's unbelievably cold goshhh maybe you’re true though,  my small body cant bare it haha" hyukjae been shivering for a while and he almost stutters because of the cold wind.

"I told you so.." then donghae stands behind hyukjae and opens his padding to back hug the shivering kid. his padding completely covered him and hyukjae together. Hyukjae is small human being so it fits for them together.

"Ya- what are you doing let me go" hyukjae tried to let go but of course he’s lost. 

"Its cold its better like this right" he tightens his hugs more. 

Hyukjae cant say a single word he's just dazed while feeling the cold air from the sea.

They stayed like that for a while until sunset..

"Beautiful..." finally hyukjae mouthed a word

"Uhm.." donghae hugs him tighter from the back

"We're almost the same height but why i feel you're so tiny" donghae said

"im 3 cm taller you know!! but i admits im a real myeolchi because im not that workout holic like you. and im not the type who builds my body like you. the bulkier type. nah i didnt like it"

"Alright alright  i agree for that"

they enjoy this so much. and maybe hyukjae loves it too much. it feels like the cold air is completely gone because of donghae’s back hugs. it warms him up...

after some moments of the sweet warm sunset, they think of going back. they can freeze if they stay too long. 

"Should we go back?"

"Okay..."

Its time for going back and its time for donghae to let go of his hug.... why hyukjae feels dissappointed all of sudden...

Donghae lets go of the hugs and he pulls hyukjae to face him...

"Hyukjae"

"O-oh why?"

Donghae takes out his hands and carress it softly... then brings it into his lips... donghae just kissed every hyukjae's knuckles one by one..

Donghae turned to face hyukjae and leans in slowly..

Hyukjae stops him by pointing his forehead..

"can i-?”

 he didnt finished his words but suddenly hyukjae said

"kiss me"

Donghae got startled but he smiled softly and leaned in to kiss hyukjae

Donghae moves his hands to cupped hyukjae's cheeks while hyukjae's hands slowly circling donghae's neck.. they kissed slowly and softly.. donghae takes a lead and hyukjae tightens his hands... they never expect this day would come.. they pulled out for few seconds, then hyukjae cant get enough and kiss him again.. they kissed so long but slowly...

then they got losing a breath and plus they cant bare the cold air then hyukjae pulled himself from donghae... his ear got so red and he cant even say a word.

"i-its cold lets go home." hyukjae said and ran  leaving donghae who smiled softly..

They go home with hyukjae who covered himself with his scarf.

Donghae who laughs softly said

"Hey dont cover yourself like that, i cant see your face" he teased

"I dont want to see your face idiot"

Donghae chuckles and takes hyukjae's hand... he pressed a soft kiss to his hand...

"stopppp argghh focus on driving bastard" he pulls out his hand quick

Donghae drives home with a widest smile ever

Arriving at hyukjae's dorm, he packs his things and ready to get out but..

While on the way driving here, the snow falls so hard even donghae drives his car slowly to go here..

"You know, the s-snow is falling so h-hard right"

Then donghae turned his head to hyukjae waiting him to say something

"So...” hyukjae hesitates..

"Eh hem so?" Donghae waits while smiling to him

"Eish stop smiling like a weirdo you bastard"

"Hmmmm So?" donghae teased 

"Y-you can come to dorm until tomorrow morning i-if you want-"

"Of course i will. Lets go" donghae quickly answers and goes inside

Donghae has expected this , no way he would let his best friend fighting the snow falls for himself.

They enter the dorm together.. and it's already almost midnight..

"Kyuhyun is home already maybe he's already sleeping... you can sleep on the sofa or other rooms here okay bye im going to bed" hyukjae was about to go to his room but donghae stops him

"What now?"

Then he gestured his head in hyukjae's room (it's like “i wanna sleep with you” gesture)

"N-no way!"

"Aaah we used to sleep together why cant we"

"Its different! We're grown ups right now!"

"Hnggggggg pplleasseeeee or i will nag at you until morning"

Donghae keeps nagging and nagging so hyukjae just lets him to go to his room

"Fine"

Hyukjae already changed his clothes and brings his clothes for donghae to change also.. then hyukjae goes straight to sleep and doesnt want to wait for donghae who changed his clothes

Donghae who comes back after changing his clothes, climbs up the bed beside hyukjae... hyukjae  sleeps facing the other side and donghae feels dissappointed..

"Face me while sleeping or i cant sleep"

"Its not my business"

"We just kissed why do you treat me like this?" He pouts

"Eishhh sssssshhhh. fine fine. i'll face you lets just sleep"

"Hyukjae ya"

"Hmmm" he already closed his eyes

"I wanna hug you"

"why are you so demanding"

“pleaseeeeee”

“arghhh fine” 

Then donghae hugs him and places hyukjae's head in his chest

"It's cold i must keep you warm" hyukjae stays in his embraces like that without complaining.. he's too sleepy to complain.. 

"Hyukjae ya"

No answer...

Then donghae leans in closer

Hyukjae feels donghae's breath becomes so close and slowly opens his eyes..

Hyukjae stops him again by placing his fingers to his lips..

"lee donghae......." hyukjae loses all his drowsiness.... and his eyes looking at donghae's

"I like you..." donghae said with his softest eyes ever

This. those puppy eyes of his. His soft voice.. his gentle touches. His body's heat that runs into hyukjae's body.... it drives him crazy

 hyukjae never been so speechless.. he's weak.. he doesnt know how to act...

Hyukjae feels his heart about to explode..

"Y-you know.. b-but i dont know... i cant understand my feelings at all.... i-"

"I know.... i know.. i'll wait for you"

"but why?"

"Because it has to be you. I love being with you. I just love it so much. youve heard me before. in the car, i told you everything. it’s just you."

Hyukjae cant say anything and keeps his head down in donghae’s chest... he cant face donghae.... he might explode... he bets his ears are all red... and he feels so damn hot even it's winter...

"Can i kiss you?"

Silence.....

Then hyukjae nods softly..

Donghae slowly moves his hand towards hyukjae's cheek and the other hand pulling his waist closer...they kissed again.. but its more passionate and have more feelings... they didnt feel cold anymore, they are heated by the kiss...

donghae who's now on top of hyukjae and keep kissing him like there's no tomorrow... it's like hyukjae is his property only..

They kissed until they both are out of breath and pulled out from each other.... donghae hugs him again from the side while carressing hyukjae's hair and kissed it for few times.....

"잘자요 hyukjae ya"

"good night.." hyukjae who feels embarrassed to death and he just hides himeself in donghae's chest...

They both stay like that until morning comes.... they embrace each other warmly and they sleep like babies.

Morning comes and hyukjae slowly opens his eyes...

"emhhh.... oh my.." he still doesnt believe it either what he saw...

The first thing he saw is donghae's face beside of him.. he suddenly remembers the kiss.. 

"He already looks so good even he's sleeping, like how.."

"eishh whats wrong with me"

hyukjae tries to come down from the bed slowly because donghae's hand still in his waist.. so he slowly removes it.... afraid to wake him up... when he's about to success for coming down, then a pair of hands slip into his waist tightly and a voice appears next to his ear closely..

"where do you go?" said donghae who just woke up with his hoarse voice. He put his head above hyukjae's shoulder and keep whining

hyukjae almost jumped after hearing it *dammit that hot voice*

He always knew this kind of voice every morning they woke up after sleeping together.. because they did it often back in those old days.. but now, it is not the same,  it's like hyukjae always got heart attack when donghae comes close like this

"maybe take a shower and buy a breakfast..."

"sleep more :(" said donghae lazily in hyukjae's shoulder

"it's almost 9 am... i must go to gym later.."

Then he pouts cutely..

"Let me take you there then..."

"Fine.."

"Lets take a shower together"

"NO eish i can shower alone lemme go" donghae still hugs him tightly from the back

"Lee donghaeee comeonnnnn"

"letsss take a shower together like the old dayss"

"No fuckin waay lemme gooooo" hyukjae tries so hard to let it go and finally succeeding

Donghae just whines and tries to wake up also.

They both already been showering and they will have breakfast together..

After finishing breakfast and stuffs. Donghae drives him to hyukjae's gym.

"Okay then thankyou for dropping me off" said hyukjae awkwardly

"Of course. Dont overwork yourself, rest well after this. Bye bye"

"Sure bye"

"Oh wait." Donghae said

"What is it? Is there something i left in your car?"

"You left this"

Donghae shamelessly pressed a quick kiss in hyukjae's right cheek.

"YA LEE DONGHAE"

"bye bye!" Then he winks and leaves

"Eish im really really going insane"

Day by day passed and donghae keeps being clingy to hyukjae. But extended version, he always kissed him goodbye while parting ways. It can be forehead kiss or cheek kiss. Hyukjae is lied if he doesnt like it. He liked it so much but he didnt show it and always runs away from donghae after that...

"Ah where is the boy who used to cry here bcs of his bestfriend? Is he really opening up his heart again?" Teased leeteuk

"Hyung please"

"Hahahaha you arent bothered at all right by him? I knew you love it"

"No way"

"You cant lie to me hyukjae. You fall for hin again right?"

"But i hate for admitting "that feeling""

"It's been so long hyukjae, it's okay for falling in love again"

"I dont know hyung... but why it has to be him? i just dont know"

few days after, hyukjae who just woke up suddenly gets a call from leeteuk..

"Lee hyukjae it's urgent, donghae is sick and i cant go there bcs i have works. Can you come instead of me? He's been in high fever. im scared he will faint or something"

"Okay hyung i'll go there asap"

Hyukjae is worried as hell and he brings all the medicines from the dorm for donghae.

As he arrived there, he found donghae sleeps on the floor.. and he's freaking out

"Yahh lee donghae, are you okay? Hey, lemme take you to hospital come one wake up"

Hyukjae got so worried and try to lift donghae's body.

"Ehmmmh oh what time is it? Why am i on the floor? And why are you here hyukjae?"

"Leeteuk said youre sick af so i came.. lemme take you to hospital right now. can you stand by yourself?"

"Ah.... im not sick.. i just got hangover and maybe i fall asleep on the floor last night..... im totally fine but a little dizzy"

"what the-”

then he realized 

“Aish leeteuk hyung i'll get revenge on you someday arghhh" then hyukjae stands up and ready to walk out

"Im going home then. Bye im wasting my precious times"

"Aaaah dont go im really dizzy... can you help me please eung?"

"Its ur fault anyway"

"But i always help you after you drunk so many times..."

"Okay t-thats... ugh- fine"

Hyukjae walks to donghae and lifts him up. He helps donghae to get on the bed..

"Okay it's done im going. Eish wasting my time  worrying for nothing"

"Are you worried that much?"

"Bye im going home..."

Donghae pulls hyukjae's hand..

"Can you just stay with me?"

"Why should i?"

"I need your company.."

Donghae pulls a lil harder until hyukjae's body falls on his chest..

Donghae hugs him rightaway so hyukjae cant go...

"Hyukjae-ya.. there’s no a single time i would not think of you.. you know what, when you went to japan, i messed up all of things.. i cant get focused on anything... i just wanted to meet you.."

Hyukjae who still in donghae's chest said carefully

"How can i trust you? I cried so hard that day.. im tired of hurting"

"You know it hurts to see you cry. That day my heart breaks into pieces... i think how much i hate myself... i was so dumb. i knew.. but now i realize how can i live without you.. i cant stay away from you... i wanna hug you so tight and give you every little kisses every day.. i dont know when this started, but i want to make you mine every time i see you..  i wanna protect you and embrace you.. i cant take my eyes off of you"

"Hyukjae-ya look at me" donghae lifts hyukjae's head who leans in his broad chest then he saw hyukjae is crying...

"dont cry sweetheart please dont cry.." donghae carressed his tears away softly..

"I-i think i completely forget you. i convinced myself that i already moved on. i believe i had erased you completely.But i just realized i cant... how can i? i really cant forget you at all... i just keep pretending that i was fine if i keep this feelings alone.. i thought i already threw away my feelings. But you suddenly came to me again with those affections.. how... how can i just forget you easily.. i just cant.... life is so unfair i cant understand"

Donghae suddenly sits and lifts hyukjae easily to sit in his lap.. hyukjae who's still sobbing got flustered by his sudden actions.

"Ssssh dont cry... you know that im the crybaby, it's not you. You shouldnt be crying.. youre not supposed to cry... "

Hyukjae still sobs.. and palmed his face..

Donghae leans in and takes hyukjae's hands from his face slowly

He cupped hyukjae's face and leans in.. donghae's forehead touched hyukjae's completely..

"I love you so much.. can you love me back?"

Hyukjae still sobs but he nods softly..

Donghae smiled softly... this sweetest smile that always stuck in hyukjae’s head

"Say that you love me back" 

Donghae wiped off the tears that keep falling in hyukjae's cheeks..

"i-i like you so much i could die.." he sobs cutely

"good.. and i love you too"

Donghae leans in and kisses hyukjae's watery eyes delicately.. he pressed those little kisses slowly from hyukjae's forehead, eyes, cheeks, nose, and finally his lips...

The way hyukjae's lips melt in donghae's.. he kissed hyukjae passionately... the finally-you-love-me kiss that he always hopes.. not that heartbreaking kiss again, this kiss feels more delicate and warm. donghae moves his body and presses hyukjae down to the bed..

"Do you mind if..."

"just do whatever you want”

“good” 

hyukjae never thought that this day would happen for real.. his shirts and pants are on the floor... his  outfits that he wears prettily today is all on the floor mixed with donghae's.. they both are covered with blanket with donghae's hand for hyukjae's pillow.. hyukjae cant say a single word after all of the things that happened so quick in few hours..

"Say something babe"

"You idiot bastard how can i say something after you marked me like this... we just- arghhh i shouldnt say yes for whatever you will do... ive been tricked."

Donghae turned to sulky hyukjae and kiss hyukjae's shoulder..

"you know i cant resist you.. "

then donghae pulls hyukjae and hugs him close to his broad chest and hyukjae slowly hugs him back..

"stay with me until tomorrow?"

"Of course" hyukjae nods and hugs him tighter

"Dont you feel cold?"

"Nope. You hug me is enough.."

Donghae smiled  softly and hugs him tighter... 

“best day of my life.” donghae kissed hyukjae’s head softly

While hyukjae finally asleeps, donghae quickly messages leeteuk

"Hyung i will appear on your youtube more often!! i promise. Thank you for everything hahaha!"

"Eish this little punk. Happy now? Stop calling me just for crying that you miss him so bad. Ughhh im so tired listening your broken ass.  Dont send me even a single pic of both of you or i'll kill you."

"HAHA i was about to lmaooo bye bye hyung♡"

-end

[stuclyblrs]

as usual here’s my first thoughts of the semester

being in shanghai in general

i havent rly seen much of the city yet so idk cant comment

but life here is def different from nyc this isnt necessarily a super walk able city (but subway lines are pretty extensive)

in terms of academic life same thing very different like my dorm is 20min by bus to campus (not sure how long the subway takes tho) and its not really walk able compared to nyc where i walk literally everywhere on campus. additionally, here is one academic building and the dorms so rn its 5pm and ive been in the same building since 9am or so...... its nice to not have to rush to classes cause sometimes they can be far apart but i could see this getting old quick

the building is pretty nice tho idk everything thats here but i wanna find a better study spot than the library cause its soooooo small and gonna be a nightmare near exams

food ????? idk where to buy some or even how to cook LMAO so idk how im going to eat while im here today i ate lunch and will eat dinner on campus (no meal plan but we have a dining hall) but idk what im gonna keep doing lol

chinese

soooooo its been a while (a full year lol) since i last took chinese so im nervous lol im already a little overwhelmed with the amount of work we have for this class which is expected cause its the same amount of workload from elementary i (lucky korean is a bit less even tho its still a lot) but idk man i just dont wanna get behind and do poorly again especially since im in china....... i need to speak chinese........

my prof seems nice but its hard to say if she will always be this easy as a prof since it was the first day - i guess i can make further judgement once she starts actually teaching and to see how hard she grades stuff

there are some assignments that im rly unclear about tho since there more like idk stuff for chinese as a language here compared to in nyc since everyone except for native speakers are required to take it so idk how things work

calc iii

ummmmmm not off to the best start lol

my professor is hard to hear and idk what he was going today the stuff we were doing is stuff ive (supposedly) learned before but i dont understand anything he told us ???????

and not sure what the workload for homework will be since its every week + we also have a quiz every week yikes i miss my calc ii prof

physics ii

huhhhhhhhhh im scared marty

i was hesitant to come abroad b/c of physics - i just started the major last semester (ie when i took physics i) so im still v shakey on physics and Yeah i didnt know one if this class would ~count~ as physics ii (ive been told its fine lol cause like it still is a lower level class so it should be fine right) and two what the workload for it would be like here in shanghai lol especially since my physics i professor was very unconventional

additionally taking physics ii with the professor that teaches it in nyc is kind of like a rite of passage kind of thing w/in the physics majors lol (not that deep whats more importatant is me doing well and being on track for the rest of the major)

with that also being said i was unsure b/c i didnt want to take myself out of the community within the physics department cause everyone i met was so amazing (as in students idk many profs) and i have like a group of ppl that i tended to do work with so i dont have them to rely on anymore

okay so back to first impressions its kind of hard to say anything abt my prof yet cause stuff we did today was rly basic (like talking about the charges of a proton/electron lmao) but for the class itself......... big yike cause there’s only 6 ppl including me in it and thats too small for me personally and im the only study-away student (or just non-chinese student in general) in the class so i feel like i stand out a lot and that im the odd one out skldjfvnjdfskv i dont like it :(((((

opinions will change once we actually get into the material and start doing hw lol 

memory politics in china

i manged to get this to count for my cultures and contexts core ayyyyyyy

actually tho in general i wanted to take some kind of chinese history/culture course cause you know........ im in china but tbh there was nothing good (like no straight chinese history class like ?????) so this was the most interesting out of what i could take relating to china

overall seems okay idk im just not a writing person and this requires three main papers and like 9 one-page assignments

[microwave-fanatic]

i pooped and it was okay

didnt hit sub 129.0 and i feel like im losing real slow so imma try to jumpstart my metabolism + lipolysis by drinking ol’ trust protein shake

ill have a bit of cereal with soymilk so i dont get a migraine, i havent been eating much nuts and legumes lately

yesterday was a bit better because three of my meals were greens and vegetables and lean protein and ive been successful at eating ice cream only one spoonful at a time but the other day i had two spoonfulls in one day so i gotta decide how much ice cream a day/week i want to allow

i envision a lot more veggie-eatin and protein-drinkin today lol

[ithisatanytime]

WICCA PHASE SPRINGS ETERNAL - "HARDCORE" (OFFICIAL MUSIC VIDEO)

 the long and short of it is i dont need to be eating spaghetti, i can go back to eating dollar store cans of tinned fish like ive done before while also having an adequate amount of pop, instead of eating more expensive meals for my calories, thus saving foodstamps at the end of the month, the whole point about food waste is pretty fucking moot considering as it stands three out of four days in a week i dont actually eat a lot of the time, for instance i havent eaten today and i likely wont. and its not just that i have a pop habit which i do, as soon as im gainfully employed i will cut it out as i always have, but its the cheapest form of easily digestable calorie there is, which is why the poor subsist on it, i know its garbage but the extremely important added benefit is that with pop i can turn foodstamps into some piddly amount of cash which is extremely precious to me, because despite what anyone says, if you dont have any cash you cant do shit, you cant go anywhere, you cant enter businesses without loitering essentially and by frequenting shops and familiarizing yourself with shop keepers and managers you can find yourself gainfully employed, i enquire everywhere about work, before he called the cops on me i asked him if there were any open positions at his company lol, when the cops came i asked if there were any open places there too like receptionist or literally anything, i do this all the fucking time, wherever i go, this is obviously not ideal but no one is gonna knock on the door to this fucking porch and offer me a job thats not how it works in america unless you have some highly in demand skill. ive put out thousands of applications in my life, literally fucking thousands and ive never once gotten a call back from this bullshit, ever, not once, every job i ever got was through social networking. when i go to the beach i stop at businesses i can buy something cheap, look ive been behind the counter at businesses when some dude comes in and just asks for an application or hands one in, let me ask you if you ever worked at a fucking register, did they ever tell you what to do with job applications? yeah me fucking neither, the only luck ive ever had, is in the process of buying something and striking up conversation with an employee and sort of casually mentioning that you are looking for a job, there is a huge psychological component to this, no one wants to be around someone who is desperate, so you cannot appear desperate, you need to appear almost reluctant like you might not need the job.

[astralgloss]

im a curious meanie so 1-134 muhahaha you get to relive the hell i just went through

etab i haTE U

1: Name

my name is marit lol but please just keep it mar

2: Age

i am 17 but i’ll b 18 in 2 months!!!!

3: 3 Fears

the dark, complete and utter loneliness, and clowns

4: 3 things I love

books, forest fruit tea, the sound of rain

5: 4 turns on

a nice smile that reaches the eyes, a nice smell, having a dog ngl, a soft touch

6: 4 turns off

extreme arrogance, insisting to pay for my meal if i want to pay bc its “what a man should do”, forcing lifestyles on me, not caring about my interests

7: My best friend

she does have tumblr but idk it but hey demi if u ever see this ur the bomb.com

8: Sexual orientation

im bi fam

9: My best first date

my bf and i went to amsterdam to go shopping and he followed me everywhere (even the bookshop even though he hates books) and idk i just love him it was a nice day

10: How tall am I

im 1,65m or 5′4″ but i can and will kick ur ass

11: What do I miss

nothing really??

12: What time was I born

ok so i asked my mom and she said i was born on a tuesday at exactly 12pm but i bet she’s lying

13: Favorite color

yellow!! im basic!!

14: Do I have a crush

well i sure hope so @ boyfriend

15: Favorite quote

to the stars who listen, and the dreams that are answered

16: Favorite place

my bf’s house tbh, specifically his bed

17: Favorite food

pizza, specifically the hot chicken one from ny pizza

18: Do I use sarcasm

nah fam (ofc i do im a little shit)

19: What am I listening to right now

god is a woman by ariana grande

20: First thing I notice in new person

how they look at other people when those people don’t notice it

21: Shoe size

38/39 idk the other size lol sorry 

22: Eye color

its blue but it changes with my mood (oh my god im so sorry im kidding please don’t hate me)

23: Hair color

im a blondie

24: Favorite style of clothing

sth casual but also a bit towards the punkish style, but i also rlly love looking tiny and soft and cute lol

25: Ever done a prank call?

ok so there’s this hotline for kids who have troubles with their parents and families but it was a shit hotline tbh so once i called it up with my friends pretending i was crying and the man on the phone asked me what was wrong so i told him that all my friends had fire type pokemon and i only had grass type pokemon and they kept beating me and i didnt know what to do and then man was so confused it was funny af

27: Meaning behind my URL

idk man i wanted a name that could b easy to remember and i was inspired by ridgeport tbh

28: Favorite movie

the perks of being a wallflower

29: Favorite song

Fav song atm is anything from p!atd's newest album and my fav song of all time is probably train of consequences by megadeth

30: Favorite band

megadeth lol

31: How I feel right now

pretty good but also annoyed bc i have to go to work in half an hour :(

32: Someone I love

my bf

33: My current relationship status

if u guys havent noticed by now im taken

34: My relationship with my parents

p ok

35: Favorite holiday

halloween/christmas

36: Tattoos and piercing i have

I have my ears pierced and thats it lol

37: Tattoos and piercing i want

i rlly want a few bookish related tattoos, like a tiny raven, a little lightning bolt, and the city of velaris and then i also rlly want a sleeve tbh but imma be a teacher and idk if i can :/ about piercings: i rlly want a helix or tragus and maybe get second holes in my hearlobes

38: The reason I joined Tumblr

ok so ive been on tumblr for about 5 years and initially it was bc i was Depressed™ and then about a year ago i found out about simblr and i was hooked

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?

tbh i dont even talk to him anymore i dont rlly care about him in any way

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

yes bih

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

hes my bf so yea lol

42: When did I last hold hands?

wednesday

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

about 45 minutes bc im lazy and i keep getting distracted

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?

nope

45: Where am I right now?

in bed lol

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?

either my bf or my best friend

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

depends on where i am

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

mom

49: Am I excited for anything?

tbh moving out but thats gonna take a few more years

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

*insert bf here*

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?

every time im at work lol

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?

wednesday

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?

lol bye

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?

nope

55: What is something I disliked about today?

the fact that i have to work a day shift instead of an evening shift

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

my internet friends tbh it’d be cool to meet all the people from my bookish discord or from @booptherat​‘s discord

57: What do I think about most?

what book i should read next

58: What’s my strangest talent?

i can finish a book in about 4 hours

59: Do I have any strange phobias?

not rlly? i hate the whole asmr thing tho ew

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind lol

61: What was the last lie I told?

i dont remember tbh

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

neither lol

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

look im not saying that believing that we’re the only living species in the entire universe is narcissistic, but it is. also dont fuck with ghosts

64: Do I believe in magic?

hell yes

65: Do I believe in luck?

hell yes

66: What’s the weather like right now?

idk probably cloudy and windy

67: What was the last book I’ve read?

fahrenheit 451 by ray bradbury 

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?

nah not rlly

69: Do I have any nicknames?

i guess mar?

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?

when i was 2 i fell from sth and slammed the corner of my eye onto the corner of a table and i couldve been blind but thank god im not

71: Do I spend money or save it?

both 

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue?

yup

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?

post it notes

74: Favorite animal?

doggg

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

reading lol

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?

idk man

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

i gotta feeling by the black eyed peas lol

78: How can you win my heart?

give me a samoyed and a 1000 books

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?

“a boss ass bitch”

80: What is my favorite word?

fuck?

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr

@cubersims​ @imvikai​ @ridgeport​ @cowplant-pizza​ @bloomlet​ @tiptoptab​

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

spend fiddies, pet kitties, hold tiddies

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?

not that i know of lol

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?

the power to choose whatever power i want at any moment

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

“do you like working here?”

86: What is my current desktop picture?

its an august background from @emmastudies​

87: Had sex?

yes

88: Bought condoms?

no

89: Gotten pregnant?

no

90: Failed a class?

yes

91: Kissed a boy?

yup, i’ve been kissing my bf for about 2,5 years now lol

92: Kissed a girl?

yup, i’m living the bisexual dream lol

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

yes

94: Had job?

yes, im working at a movie theater right now!!

95: Left the house without my wallet?

tbh all the time now that i can pay with my phone

96: Bullied someone on the internet?

yea i used to but that was when i was 12 and i’d like to say that i’ve grown a lot in the past 5 years

97: Had sex in public?

nope

98: Played on a sports team?

yes

99: Smoked weed?

nope, even though i live like 20 minutes away from amsterdam lol

100: Did drugs?

nope

101: Smoked cigarettes?

nope

102: Drank alcohol?

yupppp, i love me some raspberry cider

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

nope

104: Been overweight?

nope

105: Been underweight?

nope

106: Been to a wedding?

yup

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

lol all the time tbh

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?

yup

109: Been outside my home country?

yup, however never outside of europe tho

110: Gotten my heart broken?

a few times

111: Been to a professional sports game?

yess, i saw the dutch female volleyball team once!

112: Broken a bone?

nope

113: Cut myself?

yes

114: Been to prom?

we dont do prom in the netherlands lol

115: Been in airplane?

yes

116: Fly by helicopter?

nope

117: What concerts have I been to?

k3 (only dutchies and belgians remember this), one direction, megadeth, and ed sheeran

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?

yupp

119: Learned another language?

i mean im from the netherlands and im fluent in english thanks to myself

120: Wore make up?

yuppp

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?

yes

122: Had oral sex?

lol yes

123: Dyed my hair?

nope

124: Voted in a presidential election?

not old enough to vote :(

125: Rode in an ambulance?

nope

126: Had a surgery?

nope

127: Met someone famous?

nope

128: Stalked someone on a social network?

nope

129: Peed outside?

a few times lol

130: Been fishing?

nope

131: Helped with charity?

yep

132: Been rejected by a crush?

a few times

133: Broken a mirror?

lol yes

134: What do I want for birthday?

some books, money, cake, more books, makeup

[squishysuho]

tagged by @aceshua quite literally twenty thousand years ago and am only just now doing it because Im a mess lol.

1. If you could have one member’s hairstyle on your own head for a day, who’s would it be and from what era? (this can be svt or not)

There’s just no way I can answer this with just one. So here’s a collection of my favorite hairstyles that I’d totally want for much longer than a day. I have dark brown Indian hair so all of these would be so much fun to have:

Jeonghan’s long hair was amazing and I’d sell my soul to get it back. I’m not sure how I would look with this hair, but like damn it looks good on him so thats all that really matters.

Also Dont Wanna Cry era was a Look™ Again idk how short blonde hair would look on me but it was so pretty on him that I’d wanna try it.

Also my girl Taeyeon has had some stellar hair that I’d wanna try:

2. What’s your go-to snack food?

hhaha I dont even think it counts as snacking because I eat so much that its lowkey a full meal, but I make indian ramen: Maggi or french fries if we have potatoes. Sometimes I get desperate and make a mini pizza from scratch.

3. If you can only have one piece of Bongbong merch– out of all of the boy’s bongbong drawings, fan made pillows/hats/plushies of various bongbongs, OG gyu bongbongies– what Piece of Bongbong would you want in your room forever and why?

Omg this one is so hard and you knew it was going to be difficult for me to answer with my obsession with Bongbong. I made my own version of the og bongbong so I dont need one of those. I lowkey want the headband, but I never actually use my hair accessories, so my legit answer is this bongbong pillow that I’d probably use as a travel pillow.

4. You dress up as a piece of food for halloween. What article of food are you?

why.

literally why.

If I have to be some kind of a food costume, its gonna be something cute. I literally had to search food costumes for this and I’d pick one that looks pretty. There was an ice cream cone one where the girl had a dress that looked like sprinkles and a waffle cone headband. I think I’d do that since the dress was very pretty and looked comfortable. Also I’m lazy and that would be an easy costume to do.

5. You get to give your bias a present but it has to be hand made by You. What do you give them?

Screams. So listen. Most of seventeen is my bias. so like. They’re all getting one handmade present from me. I think any present(s) that I made would have some sort of a comfort aspect to them because I’m all about the being comfortable no matter where you are in life. For most of my seventeen biases I’m imagining making something that makes it easy for them to nap or be warm in. Like I know Jeonghan especially likes to nap and hes looked hella tired lately, so I’d make a cute pillow (maybe giraffe or angel themed) he could take places. Or a small blanket thats easy to travel with. Or I’d make something that makes it easy to hide from all the cameras in like specifcally I’m imaging Wonwoo in those airport photos where he hides in his hoodie. So like this sounds ridiculous but can you imagine a cloak with a large hood that the members could hide in? Because I’m that extra carat that would make that for them. It would have tons of pockets and be super warm. (bonus: pls imagine woozi in a cloak with a hood walking around an airport)

6. Favorite non-MV video of svt?

All of the part switch videos. I’ve seen the part switches more than the actual mvs. Also the aju nice dance practice fucked me up like no other so theres that. Any Clap live performance too because the choreo is so absolutely amazing and I love the stage outfits. Scoup’s parts, Jeonghan’s hoping part, Joshuas singing. wonwOOS PART. U kno which one. where he and woozi point to the audience like yea you clap too.

(oops i think i was supposed to pick one. too bad)

7. Do you have the names of your future pets planned out? If so, what are they? Im so indecisive that I dont have any one name picked out. But I do have some names that I have liked for a while and could see myself naming a future doggo. Omo is one that I really liked, but I think I’m less likely to use now. I really love references, so any names I picked would probably be subtle references to whatever I’m obsessed with at the time of getting the pet. I have a cactus named Natasha because I love Black Widow, so something that would have meaning to me but not be super obvious to anyone else I think. 

8. What’s the stupidest thing you did/that’s happened to you this week? (I’ll start- the other day i woke up and my laptop was in my fridge…I don’t remember doing this. why)

(okay same tho. I once put my phone in the fridge and then had no idea where the ringing noise was coming from when I called it)

You know. I havent done much stupid stuff this week. But like lets talk about finals week which was last week and how I waited too long to start my final so as my friends were finishing at 2 am, I was only just open Indesign up and starting. I did not sleep that night and even though my class ended at 10 am I didnt actually go to sleep until 11 pm so like I was awake for a really long time? Like I woke up Monday at 8 am but didnt actually sleep again until 11 pm on Tuesday. There was a depression nap thrown in there somewhere tho. Also because there were no late penalties I waited until the very last day to turn in almost every single assignment and lab for my javascript class. 

Rules: Answer my questions and then make your own!

I dont know if this is allowed but I want to tag @aceshua back because I want her answers to my questions lol. Also tagging @palexing @starry-hun @ajongchowyun if you guys want to answer my questions :)

I'm going to try to write these questions so that the people I tag can answer them even if they're not into seventeen.

1. Hairstyle you would sell your soul to see your bias in? (this can totally be one they've had already and want back) 2. I'm pretty sure everyone does that thing where they listen to a new song and fixate on it, so which songs are you currently blasting on repeat over and over again? 3. If you could ask your top three biases any question, what would you ask them? 4. Do you have any biases that when you were first getting into the group and learning the members that you decided you weren't going to stan, but then they forced their way into your lane? (for example when I first got into svt I didn't want to stan 'the long haired one' and then learned more about jeonghan and now love) 5. I stole this question from somewhere, but I love it so much.  Would you trust your bias to make you mac and cheese? Explain. 6.  Which rapper do you want to hear sing more and which vocal do you want to hear rap more?? 7. Has kpop ever actually made you so emotional that you've cried before? 8.  Its 4 am and I cant think of another question. Insert 3 of your favorite gifs here related to your biases or groups that you stan.

[00sheven]

the break down

I make 21.00 an hour. without overtime that puts me at approximately 2748.48 a month after taxes.

food. 775.00 this was calculated at 25.00 a day 1 meal for breakfast 1 meal for lunch. to figure for the goose and I make it 50.00. the goose's mother has been sending 50.00 a week to help offset some of the cost.

medical ins. 500.00

I have kaiser.

I have not been able to use it. i have a 50 co pay to see a doctor. my prescription copy is 15 for generic and 50 for name brand.

if I have to go to the hospital that 350.00 for the ER and I believe 350.00 a day and they won't cover me after 5 days. I think it goes up to like 6000.00 that may be incorrect. I dont have the info. in front of me but you get the the idea. plus theres money for labs and specialists which im in need of both. by the way, I am diabetic, I have high blood pressure and high cholesterol. (my dad died at 37 years old from a massive heart attack.) I am also bipolar. these all require regular doctors visits and medication. cancer and heart disease run in my family and I have had a polyp removed from my colon 5 years ago. I havent been checked since. your supposed to get checked every three years. i dropped the ball on that one.

car payment. 300.00

uncle frank 200.00

to offset expenses he may incur. child support.

phone for the goose and I 136.97

t mobil

car ins. 124.49

I have to have full coverage while I am making house payments lol.. (jokes)

storage (the closet.) 150.00

gas 100.00

old medical bill. 50.00

I found out I had an old medical bill that went to collections. I'm trying to fix my credit so I have to pay it off.

car cleaning 10.00

misc. 102.94

this includes a monthly amazon prime member ship so I can buy for the goose, car, myself) stuff on the cheap or by a click instead of running all over the place.

a gym membership. so I can have a place to shower and kill time. I might as well take some classes.

and the rest is media packages like Netflix and hulu there is also showtime in there (I only have it when homeland or a couple of other shows are on.)as well as scribd. if I'm gonna live in my car I'm going to be able to watch my shows. it's the small things that make a big difference. especially in morale. I know that this could potentially piss someone off, and that's okay. I understand. that's a visit to the doctors, or 4 days of food or 2 brand name prescriptions. but actually for me it is a little more important. it's a distraction, its there when things are so bad that I cant even concentrate to read a book. when I'm caught and spiraling out of control in my depression. when I just want to sleep all the time. (life is much more entertaining when you are unconscious. I have vivid life like dreams, which can be a good or bad thing ) I just turn it on and go on auto pilot. it takes me out of the situation, it helps to break the self destructive thought patterns. it engages me and allows my mind time to rest, and correct it self. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, it's the same with medication. the meds work for awhile but they numb you to the world, and then the darkness creeps back in. plus is it better to feel nothing at all?.....sorry I'm getting off of subject. it's okay if you dont agree with this, it's not your money or health and I'm not asking you for anything. I'm just giving you the facts about my situation and trying to be honest at the same time.

=2449.40

2748.48 -

2449.40 =299.08

well there it is. that's what I got left for rent. granted once we find a place the storage bill goes away along with the food total because we can eat at home. the car should be paid off in a couple of months, and then I can knock out the medical bill balance. i do have two credit cards that I will be paying off as well that I have not mentioned. they've made it possible for me to get stuff that i need to make this as comfortable as possible. a lot of prep has gone into this. I hope it pays off.

this should be kind of scary to someone living paycheck to paycheck. imagine if I didnt have the car. i am truly grateful for what i have. i work full time. think of how it is for some people out there who are unemployable or have had a run of bad luck. no place to sleep, those people could be hungry, trying to provide for children, mentally ill. there are a number of reasons that they could be in that situation. in these days and the way things are its a deep hole to climb out of. it is also very difficult. so if you dont know anything about social services or programs to get you off the street please, either educate yourself or keep your mouth shut. they dont make it easy to get help, and if you do get it, it seems to be designed to keep hanging on by your fingernails. think about this the next time someone asks you for help or your pocket change for that matter. even if they want a 40 or a crack rock it transports them from thier shitty situation to something tolerable for a short period of time. have some fucking mercy and compassion. we are all human beings and we all want the same things to a greater or lesser degree, and I'm not talking about it in the material sense either. I saw a homeless encampment on lankershim right off the freeway in north hollywood. people had thier cars parked right out in front of thier tents. I know I'm not alone. I hope this doesn't happen to you or your family.

2/22/20

[mybabbbbee]

The firsts

First meetup: 7th July 2019. I was pissed off already abt alot of things and didnt at all wanna marry a doctor. Our conversation was very casual. I was the one who talked for the most part.

First time we sat together on one couch: 21st July 19 when it was our baat pakki ki rasm. I tried my best not to touch him.

First time i met him in niqab/on duty: 31st Aug 19 i was in my gynae OT and telling a friend abt how he is in anesthesia nowadays and yikes! There i saw him. He was soo focused on work. So i had to approach him and have a confused conversation. Later worry for 2 days doubting if he liked me or nah.

First gift: 11th Aug 19, we went to their place a day before Eid ul Azha. He had brought gucci perfume for me from Dubai. Mom also gifted him some clothes and a perfume.

First time i heard him play guitar: 11th Aug 19 everyone insisted him to do so. He played alot of songs out of which i knew some. GOT theme song, ab tou aadat si he, bachana were my fav.

First time he held my hand: 24th Aug 19 on our engagement when he held my hand to put the ring on. Lasted for barely 10 seconds and my hands were cold af.

First time he served me food: that too on our engagement. Served me rice.

First time he texted me on my number: 26th Aug 19 i asked aunty for more pictures and he texted me the link. And also asked me to thank ma pa for the watch. Also he made a laughing emoji at the end and i wanted to ask him does he laugh too 😯

First time i added him on snapchat: 28th Aug 19 cuz i was worried he isnt texting me. So he viewed all my stories hehe. And also posted his two days later. He has a score of 65 and i have 44k 🙄

First time i fantasized about him: 4th Sept 19 i was depresses bcs of messed up clg routine so i worked out and took a shower at midnight and afterwards just laid down naked in bed. And then i started thinking abt him and well that was my first orgasm right there.

First time we had a proper conversation: 5th Sept he was sick so i texted to wish him speedy recovery. Dont know if he was in a good mood or if he is always like this. We were talking abt our engagement and he said "tbh there was a lot to compliment" and afterwards he sent me a picture of us and said he liked it. He also asked me to meet him at clg. Not bad right? Couldnt stop smiling the whole time tho.

First time we added each other on facebook: 6th Sept. I set a condition that he'd put an engaged status. I thought he wouldnt but he did. He asked me to do the same too.

First time he made a heart in our conversation: 6th Sept when he called me Ms. SuperSweet. I havent made one yet.

First time he told me he gets horny thinking about me: 8th Sept the day we met and later that night he told me how crazy i make him go. And that he dreamt that we had a little pillow fight and ended up kissing. Gosh its getting hot in here. Also he started making kiss emoji. I havent yet 🤷‍♀️

First call: 15th Sept he was very worried if he'll be able to talk properly or not. It went well. Loved how he laughed.

First sexting: 15th Sept after the call he was soo in the mood so couldnt say no. Felt hot aff. Also had an orgasm.

First time he said 'i love you' on call: 21st Sept when i called him to say goodmorning and he was so caught off guard. And happy. It was a two minute call and i didnt realize he said it untill we dropped it. He said it again later that night.

First time he tagged me in a meme: 21st Sept. It was about money heist.

First time he called from work: 25th Sept. He had to call the night before but he was too tired he fell asleep..i was a lil pissed off so subah he called me from OT, there was some strike going on so he was free..and we talked for like 10 mins. I loved his voice.

First time i heard him having hiccups: 28 Sept we were on call he had a sore throat and then he started having them i made him drink water and distracted him and it worked. We talked for almost three hours.

First time we exchanged some naughty snaps: 1st Oct we were sexting on sc for the first time and i knew i couldnt control myself so i sent him some snaps of me with low neck where he could see my curves. He sent one out of shower too.

First time he snapped me his boner: 5th Oct we got rlly wild, he had two orgasms at night and then i woke him up with a nice bj and he cummed twice again.

First date: 9th oct it was a formal date awkward in the start but turned out to be great. He got me flowers and held the door for me and pulled the chair out, not in the start though but lol it was cute. We talked abt silly things and some serious ones. About making vows to each other. We laughed like mad and took some pictures. He got me gajras in the end and helped me wear them and then he held my hand and we kept it like that till the end. He teased me a lil and gosh it gave me butterflies for a moment. He makes me feel like im perfect, flawless.

First time we held hands: 9th Oct he got me gajras on out way back..then he helped me wear them and held my hand all the way back home..he tease my hand a little and made me crazy. So crazy.

First time we tried call sex: 12th Oct..not entirely though. We just stayed on call and heard each other moan..i felt more closer to him and God it was hot.

First time i wore black with him: 16th Oct it was our second date. He loved the attire, complimented me the whole time.

First song we listened to together: 16th Oct when he was driving me back he played laiyan laiyan and we both were totally in the feels. He said he might play it on our wedding.

First time we made a streak: 16th Oct we decided it on our date

First kiss: 24th Oct we were in car and just madeout for like 10 mins..it was good. Got me wet. Wanted to make his bday special.

First love note: 24th Oct gave him a funny bday card and a note along with it. I hope he likes it.

First birthday celebration: 26th Oct one day after his bday we had a fam dinner after which we cut the cake and i gave him shirts and a perfume.

First time i sat on his lap: 29th Oct he picked me up from a friends place and we were in the backseat making out..i humped against him the whole time.

First time somebody walked in on us: 29th Oct while making out a guard approached us but kher we ran away just in time. He was so concerned id be worried.

First movie we watched together: 30th Oct joker.

First time he felt my boobs from inside my shirt: 30th Oct on our last date before he went to rwp. I felt his cock up too.

First time he gave me a letter: 30th Oct. It was the best day.

First video call: Nov 11. During his 48hr long urology call.

First tcs: 7 Dec. He got his first pay so sent gifts for me.

First time we went shopping: 26 Dec. Got a gift for Abdullah's engagement. And for mama's bday. We both are so easy. Non picky.

First time i made him cum with hj: 26 Dec. He got sooo hot afterwards. He fingered me too.

First event we attended as a couple: 28th Dec. Abdullah's engagement. Although he wasnt there for the most part but i loved how everyone related me to him.

First time he fed me food: 24th Jan 2020 on our nikkah when i wasnt eating and saying i wont unless he makes me..so he did infront of everyone.

First time he gave me a shoulder massage: 24th Jan on our night date hehe

First long drive: 27th Jan had to go to my to be ghar met ammi had a sitting with my mua had lunch then and went back

First halal kissing: felt soooo goood with no guilt. Damnnn i love to kiss him so much. So much sawab loool

First hickey: 27th Jan he got a little hard on me when he was close to his orgasm..and i totally loved it

First time he sucked my nipples: 27th jan 🙈

First grocery shopping: 27th Jan he bought me stuff for my new washroom 😁

First rain date: 27th jan it rained the whole day ❤

First night together: 1st feb after my rukhsati. It was the most magical night and his touch felt soo goood. Sleeping naked with each other and teasing was such a turn on.

First time he served me food: 24th jan on our nikkah hen we were on stage and i couldnt eat bcs of my nails and then he made me.

First time i felt protected with him: 1st feb while our valima shoot was going on and the sun was getting on my face so he stood between me and the sun to put me in shade.

First night at my parents: 2nd feb after our valima. We opened our gifts played ludo and had aloot of fun in bed. Also went to fun city in my desi newly wed clothes.

First meal post-sex: 1st feb he made me a whole plate of biryani at 4am.

First time we ordered food in bed: 4th feb. The burgers were yummm

First time he did my hair: 5th feb while i was getting ready to go downstairs. He just loves side parting.

First time i cried infront of him: 6th feb i just missed my homies so much so i turned away and pretended to sleep and he found out i was crying and became mama bear. It was so good to be in his arms i wont choose another place to be at ever. Then i read their letters while he caressed me all this while.

First time we had real sex: 7th feb just a day before umrah. He was kind of worried he wasnt getting hard enough to go inside so he got some pills and then we did. It was painful for me but i just wanted to get over with this and it was a happy feeling to know we’re finally not virgins.

First oral: 1st feb on our wedding night. Probably the last too

First orgasm: 2nd feb and the following week was full of it

First umra together: 8th feb it was the best time together. How we did tawwaf and saee and made each other recite duas, prayed together, taught him how to bargain,ate alot of yumm food.

First time he made me watch ertugrul: 12th feb

First time he got me jellies: 13th feb while we were going for madinah ziyarat.

First stay away from home: 1st march i went to rwp where he was doing his hj. Got an army mess arranged for me. Stay was great.

First monal date: 3rd march weather was awesome altho he was a little pissed off at me asking to take pictures again and again.

First fight: 3rd march later that night he wanted to have sex but i wasnt wet enough and he started blaming me and saying ive turned him off. It made me cry and confront him abt his behaviour earlier too. He kinda took it seriously and kept saying sorry the whole time and also said “this is the first and the last time i made u cry”. We stayed up till late sharing our thoughts talking abt our future.

First friends hangout: 4th feb his room mate invited us for dinner. Pizza was good everything was until they started talking abt the ex idk why i felt bad. Didnt talk the whole way back.

First bday together: 20th march he gave me a surprise by coming straight from his call for a day.