#i haven't picked up my anxiety prescription

[green-mountain-goose]

why're things so fucked upppppp~

[spasmsofthought]

the risk (is drowning) [jake seresin x f!reader]

This little 1k piece is 100% inspired by the song Risk by Gracie Abrams. What a masterpiece this song is.

Also a special dedication to all my anxious wallflower girlies (especially those in their mid-to-late twenties). You are seen and loved. You will be wanted. xoxo

Warnings: Some indirect allusions to anxiety/social anxiety.

Please like, comment, reblog. Let me know what you think! xo

on A03 here

+++

"It feels like the universe is pranking me."

The bar is loud and bright and crowded, even in the shadows of the back corner where you and your roommate Alexis are sitting on stools. A remixed pop song is playing from the speakers in the room - it sounds like something you heard in CVS three days ago while picking up your prescription strength Benadryl. Damn hives. You knew better than to let Jessica be the one to choose the takeaway order for lunch. She never remembered anybody's food allergies.

"I wonder," You continue speaking as you swirl the straw in your club soda, "if I'm on some alien reality version of punk'd. I feel like there's a camera trying to catch me over my shoulder. I keep waiting to hear a laugh track in the background."

Alexis just sighs from across you. Then she gives you the look that she's been giving you all evening - full of love but also half-reproach and half-amusement.

"I think you might've coordinated my outfit for nothing," You look down at the number you're wearing. It's something that's much different than you're usual look - not as casual and more flashy. It screams look at me with several exclamation points. You don't remember the last time you wore something to make someone else notice you - not intentionally. You don't really know for sure if it's helping you feel more confident or more like a poser.

"I wore mascara for no reason." You slump against the wall at your back. "He hasn't shown up. I don't even think he's going to be here tonight."

There's a minute of semi-silence where you take in the ambiance of the place. You notice that the music over the speakers has changed genres to a popular country song that has some people by the pool table swaying or singing along at the counter with beer bottles in their hands pretending that they're microphones.

"Speak of the devil," Alexis smirks at you and then points her chin towards the direction of the front door. She's not wrong.

There he is in all of his golden glory. Jake Seresin. Lieutenant, Naval aviator, Top Gun graduate.

He's never actually introduced himself to you; you've never met him. It's not that hard to get a beat on who he is though - he's all anyone ever talks about in this place. You notice you're staring and swivel your attention back to Alexis.

The amount of times you've daydreamed about his eyes or, God, his hands feels almost wrong due to the fact that you've never even spoken a word to the man.

He really is just your type: a blue-eyed all-American boy with a killer smile and all the confidence in the world. You can practically feel the rush of heat to your face and you bring your soda to your lips for a quick swallow.

It had been really challenging at first, pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and intentionally choosing to spend time with crowds of people, even if it's really only Alexis you ever talk to. It's taken months to feel much more comfortable even hanging in the back corner of a bar like this.

Jake had been a regular before this became your weekend hangout spot with Alexis and ever since the first day you saw him you'd known that he wasn't the type of person to escape anybody's notice. Whether it's his natural charisma or a learned charm, you looked at him once and haven't stopped looking.

Your life has always felt more monotone - shades of black and white with spots of blue or green or yellow or pink here and there. Even from far away, you can tell that Jake Seresin's life is in full, vibrant technicolor. You keep wondering what that must be like.

"If there's any time to shoot your shot it'd be now, before the groupies surround him." Alexis advises you.

He's just making his way to the bar counter after calling out greetings or doing that weird bro handshake guys do with each other when they're acquaintances but don't know each other that well.

You don't know why you came tonight, why you confessed this to her in the first place. You don't know why your mind has been stuck on a Jake Seresin loop. Why this has been the one thing it hasn't let go of.

You're almost ready to bolt out of there, indecision weighing heavy on your shoulders. The indecision isn't even the worst part because you're friends with indecision. It's been there for you all your life.

It's the fact that you want to go up there and introduce yourself to him that's actually terrifying. You can't remember the last time you wanted something like this. Have you?

"If you don't get up and go over there yourself, I will make you."

Your mom used to tell you that the only way you started learning how to swim as a young girl was when she tossed you into the deep end of the pool with a swimming instructor and you had to learn first-hand, in the moment, how to paddle in water to keep from drowning.

"But he's so hot," You whisper, leaning across the table as your hands start to shake, "I'm no supermodel on a runway. I've never even had a boyfriend."

"How have I never known that you're in your late twenties and never had a boyfriend?" Alexis gapes, one of her hands coming to cover your shaking ones.

"Never even been on a real date, actually." You grimace and lean away, pulling your hands out from under hers.

"I'm not going to force you," Alexis softens, "If you're really not ready, we can go and come back some other time."

You take a deep breath in, then a slow breath out. "What if he shoots me down?" What if I drown in rejection?

"Remember what you said when we took that philosophy course on morality in grad school and we were arguing about what it means for a person to have 'character'?" You frown at Alexis' words. Grad school, where you met her and became life-long friends, feels like a lifetime ago. "You said, 'It's your motivations and actions that make you who you are.' If you go over there and he's the one that rejects you, that is communicating something to you about who he is. His rejection is not about you."

You take a second breath and shrug, "That makes sense, I guess."

"There's a reason I'm your best friend y'know." Alexis flips her hair over her shoulder.

"I'm worth this," You nod your head adamantly, peeking at him from the corner of your eye. But your eyes don't meet nothing. It's only a quick glance, but there's a glimmer of recognition in his eyes. Something that tells you that you won't be making a complete fool of yourself.

"Damn right you are," Alexis says.

You slowly stand up from your seat against the wall, shaking your hands out. You're going to let what you want override your indecision and anxiety, even if it's just for sixty seconds.

"Okay, okay, okay," You whisper to yourself. Taking a step and then turning back towards Alexis.

"You've got this," She reassures you. "Go, be brave."

Your turn around and walk forward, Jake Seresin in your sights. Maybe you in his, based on the second glance your garner. You turn your head one last time to give Alexis and anxious, unsure smile and then you walk the rest of the way to the bar counter by yourself. You don't look back.

[gloomysoup]

when the world stops turning (my heart stops beating) - pt. 2

so i decided not to be TOO mean and keep writing this... there will be at least one more part, maybe more, i haven't decided yet. honestly i'm just playing it by ear and seeing how far my brain chooses to take it. so here we go!!

ao3 pt. 1 pt. 2 pt. 3 pt. 4

cw: drugs, drug abuse, illusions to overdose, minor character death, dissociation, hospitals, illusions to child neglect (i think that's it but please let me know if i missed anything)

Eddie hated hospitals.

He sat in the waiting room with his bandmates and their tour manager, thinking about the first time he ever had to go to the hospital.

He was seven years old. His mom had been self-medicating really badly again, floating through their house like a ghost. Pale and lifeless in a way she often was those days. His dad was always out of the house, claiming he was working. Eddie had always been suspicious of that, never sure exactly what kind of work he was doing. His dad never said what his job was, but Eddie knew he had a long history with criminal activity. Wayne had taken him out to the park that day for a couple hours in an effort to get him out of the house.

The nearby park had this line of trees by the pond, set off several feet from the playground itself. Eddie liked to climb those trees when he was a kid. He liked the way the bark felt, digging sharply into his palms. He liked feeling the wind blow, the leaves brushing against his face. It made him feel free. The scary parts of the world couldn't reach him in the treetops. Earthly fears stayed near the ground, tethered to the dirt while he put as much distance between them as he could. Wayne had warned Eddie not to climb too high. Eddie should've listened.

He climbed a few branches up on the tallest tree. His favorite tree to climb. He sat on one of the thicker branches, back against the trunk. He watched the leaves waving in the wind above him. His brain still itched with ground thoughts, so he climbed higher. He kept going until he wasn't worried about his mom anymore. He kept going until his head was blissfully empty of those stupid anxieties. He was finally free.

And then he was falling.

Eddie doesn't remember much of what happened. Wayne says a branch broke unexpectedly, giving way beneath his weight with a loud snap. He hit the ground and passed out. Wayne took him to the hospital, where the doctors said he was lucky. A fall like that and all he had was a broken arm. They put his left arm in a cast and kept him for a few hours of observation, just to be safe. They were worried about a brain injury, or internal bleeding. Wayne called his mom, to let her know what happened, but Eddie always assumed she was too drugged out to understand. She never showed up. Wayne stayed with him the whole time, trying to keep him entertained and distracted. The doctor had given Eddie something to help with the pain, but it didn't help with his dislike of hospitals. He hated sitting in a sterile, white hospital room. His nose burned with the smell of bleach and lemon-scented floor cleaner. He didn't know why they used that stuff. It was overwhelming. He couldn't escape the ground thoughts if he was tethered to the ground.

Once he was finally released, Wayne took him to the pharmacy to pick up his new prescription. Pain meds; take one as needed while the break heals— those mysteriously went missing only three days later, and Eddie suffered in silence from then on. Then Wayne took him home, where his mom was asleep on the couch and his dad was fuming. Eddie vaguely remembers laying in his bed while Wayne and his dad argued in the living room. He isn't sure what they argued about; Wayne never told him and always changed the subject if Eddie asked. He assumed it was about the hospital. Hospital bills aren't cheap.

He wasn't allowed to visit his mom when she was in the hospital. Wayne said she needed space to get better. He knows Wayne just didn't want him around all of that. The hospital always kept him from his mom in one way or another. And then there was the spring of ‘86. It only further solidified his hatred of hospitals. Confined to the lumpy, scratchy hospital bed for weeks. Beeping machines and lemon-scented floor cleaner. Sticky patches and wires that always tangled. Itchy IVs and sharp needles and drugs that made him float just on the edge of too far. He didn't like those. Reminded him too much of his mom.

And now here he was, sitting in the dull waiting room of a hospital in New York. He felt numb. Tears still rolled silently down his cheeks, though he wasn't sure how he had any left. He was completely unaware of the passage of time. It could've been minutes or days, and he wouldn't have noticed. He couldn't stop thinking about his mom. He hadn't thought about her this much in years.

“Eddie?” He looked up at Gareth, but he was barely seeing him. “I'm going to go call Wayne, let him know what's happening. Do you want to come talk to him?”

Eddie blinked slowly a few times, his eyes still glassy. He didn't answer. All he did was stare, unseeing and silent. Gareth sighed, shooting Jeff and Grant a look.

Jeff frowned, also standing. “I should call Robin. She should know too.”

“Go,” Grant said, nodding toward the phones. “I’ll keep an eye on him.”

Their tour manager was talking to a nurse a few feet away. Eddie couldn't hear what they were saying. He didn't know how this could've happened. He didn't understand how he missed this.

His thoughts wandered back to the day Wayne found out he was selling.

Eddie sat on the front step, watching Wayne and Hopper talking in the yard. Wayne was frowning, nodding along to whatever Hopper said. Eddie knew he was mad. Why wouldn't he be? Eddie was illegally selling drugs, and just got caught by the chief for it. Luckily, Hopper was in a good enough mood just to give him a warning and a ride home. Made him promise he wasn't going to do it anymore. They both knew that was a lie.

When Hopper got back in his cruiser and drove away, Eddie watched Wayne take a breath before he turned around. Eddie shrank back at the look his uncle gave him.

“Wayne, I-”

“Hush up.” Eddie shut up instantly. “You're gonna listen close, understood?” Eddie nodded. “Jim was kind enough to let you off this time, but he won't be next time. There better not be a next time.”

“But, Wayne, I-”

“No buts.” Wayne gave him another look. Eddie knew he was disappointed. He hated disappointing Wayne. Hated it even more than he hated making Wayne mad. His uncle had always done so much for him. The least he could've done was not cause trouble. “Drugs are a dangerous thing, Ed. I know you know that.”

He did know, is the thing. He knew better than most people just how dangerous drugs were. Drugs tore his family apart. Drugs killed his mother. Drugs were the main reason Eddie lived with Wayne at all.

Eddie looked down at his hands, fiddling with one of his rings. He didn't have all that many yet. “I just wanted to help with the bills,” he said softly.

Wayne sighed and sat next to him on the rickety steps. Eddie slid over to make room. “You ain't gotta worry ‘bout no damn bills, Ed. That's for me to take care of. You just gotta be a kid.”

Eddie frowned. “I just thought that, maybe, if I could help, you wouldn't have to work so hard. I know taking care of me is a lot of extra money.” He paused. “I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment.”

Burden. That's what he wants to say. Disappointment is what comes out. Maybe that's for the better.

“You're not a disappointment, Ed. I just don't want you endin' up like your mama, that's all. And while I do appreciate you wantin’ to help, I don't need ya to. I'm perfectly capable of takin’ care of us. You're fifteen, Ed. Be a kid, for Christ’s sake. Don't worry ‘bout anythin’ else yet.”

From that day on, Eddie stayed away from anything harder than weed or the occasional shrooms. He made a promise to himself that he'd stay away from it. For Wayne. For his mom. Wayne knew he kept selling, but they didn't talk about it. The K he intended on selling Chrissy that fateful night was a fluke. A one-off. It was something extra Rick had given him before he got locked away. Eddie hadn't even intended on selling it at all; he was just going to keep it hidden away until Rick got out, and then he'd give it back.

After Chrissy, Eddie didn't touch anything for a long time. When the band got themselves a record deal, when they started going out to parties to network with more of the industry, Eddie started smoking weed again. He never touched anything more than that. He knew better. He worried about his bandmates falling to the same vices that killed his mom, even though they also stayed away from it. Her ghost still haunted him. It kept him hypervigilant. He was always watching for addictive behaviors.

So how did he not see it?

How long had Steve been falling down that path without Eddie even knowing?

He should've known.

Eddie blinked, and Gareth was standing in front of him with a bottle of water. When had he come back?

“Eddie, you gotta drink something,” Gareth said gently, holding the open bottle toward him. Eddie pulled his knees tightly to his chest and shook his head. Gareth sighed and sat next to him in the uncomfortable hospital chairs.

That was another thing Eddie hated about hospitals. Everything was uncomfortable. The chairs, the beds, the wires and tubes. IVs itched and the gowns crinkled weirdly. It was a sensory hellscape, truthfully. How did anyone handle it?

“Eddie.” He blinked again, looking beside him. Gareth was still holding the bottle toward him. “Come on, man. At least a little bit. We're worried about you.”

Eddie took the bottle, but his hands were shaking so much he could barely keep a grasp on it. He forced it toward his mouth, his throat burning as the cool water slipped past his lips. He gave it back to Gareth. He looked like he wanted Eddie to drink more, but took the bottle anyway.

“Are you…” Gareth started, but his sentence fell off as he seemed to search for the correct word. “Obviously not okay. That'd be stupid. Of course you aren't okay. I don't know what I was even thinking.” He looked over at Eddie, his rambling cut off.

Gareth always rambled when he was anxious. Worried. It didn't happen all that often. Gareth was pretty laid back, never worked up about much. The exact opposite of Steve. Steve worried about everything. Steve rambled a lot, like Robin. God, Robin. Eddie should talk to her. They hadn't had time lately to call. She was probably worried. Eddie could easily bet she'd been rambling a lot lately. Then again, Robin always rambled. She wasn't like Gareth, who only rambled when he was worried about something or someone. Speaking of Gareth, he was sitting there staring at Eddie with that worried little pinch in his brows. Eddie should answer. He should, but he can't. His tongue feels like lead in his mouth. It won't form shapes or push air through his lips. It won't do anything it's supposed to do. It just sits there, heavy, making it impossible for Eddie to say something, anything.

“Eddie?” Gareth waved a hand in front of him. Eddie blinked. “Did you hear anything I just said?”

Eddie thought hard. Gareth’s mouth had definitely been moving just a few moments before, but anything after the ramble was lost on him. He had no clue what he had said. He shook his head. Gareth sighed.

“I talked to Wayne.”

Oh. Wayne.

God, Eddie didn't know how to feel about that. On the one hand, he needed Wayne. The man was a solid figure in the storm of Eddie’s life. He had always been there. He never walked away like Eddie’s dad. Eddie wanted little more than to curl up on the lumpy couch with Wayne like he had after his mom died. On the other hand, Eddie didn't want Wayne to know about any of this. He didn't want Wayne to have to live through this again. He didn't want Wayne to feel like he had to deal with Eddie again.

“He said he’ll try to catch the next flight out.”

Eddie’s head snapped up, eyes wide. He quickly shook his head back and forth, so hard that his neck popped and his hair flung across his face. Wayne couldn't come. He shouldn't have to. He would have to call out of work. Wayne never calls out of work. Eddie didn't want to be the reason he started. He opened his mouth to protest, but nothing came out. He couldn't force his tongue to move. His lips failed to form the letters and syllables required to speak.

It was then that their tour manager approached, looking somber. Like he had bad news. Eddie wanted to be anywhere else. He wanted to go back; back to when things were simple and Steve wasn't dying. He wanted to go back to being a kid and stop his mom. He just wanted this to stop.

“Eddie, he's alive.”

Eddie hated that instead of being relieved, his heart crumbled.

Steve was alive, but at what cost?

--------------------------------------------------

tag list: @acowardinmordor @mugloversonly @djohawke @hallucinatedjosten @geekyfifi @current-steddie-brainrot

i tagged people who either asked to be tagged or showed interest in wanting more but lemme know if you wanna be added! like i said, there will be at least one more part, but probably more than that tbh

hope you've enjoyed !!

[ghostlycorvid]

2023 Introspective

This year started with cutting off a toxic person who had already shut me out of mutual friend spaces but kept stringing me along with "maybe in a few more months I'll let you back in". 2022 was rough on its own, especially pre-antidepressants, but a huge part of it was stuff involving this person. Blocking them and finally accepting that it was not worth trying to repair what little relationship was left was the most freeing thing I've ever done and helped me to continue that with any other rude unpleasant individual I've had to share spaces with. It's been genuinely wonderful to realize I don't have to sit there and listen to bad takes or people who are needlessly mean, so I'm glad something came out of that friendship nightmare scenario.

It still took a lot of time to not sit there in anger and frustration spirals over the way things ended up, but in February I got permission from my bosses to bring my dog Chili to work with me due to needing to keep him and our other dog from playing while she was recovering from her spay. I ended up realizing that even though Chili is a huge anxiety baby, having him with me legitimately was helping distract me from negative thoughts spirals and gave me something positive to focus on when I was getting frustrated by work-related stuff in the moment. He ended up helping a couple coworkers come down from panic attacks later in the year too. My boss likes how "calm" he is enough that he gave me permission to bring Chili to work all the time (within reason), so he's come with me on most non-event days. His progress has been slow, but he's also been improving from the regular socialization!

I finally started to really focus on my own art and developing my own products and designs, both for my personal shop and for the shop at work. I've come out the other side of this year with 9 new enamel pin designs between the two! (A couple I haven't shared yet! ;D)

I was finally given an Adderall prescription which magically solved my problem where I couldn't stay awake during the day no matter how much sleep I'd gotten! And also it started helping me focus a little better too, but genuinely the non-sleepy thing was the most lifechanging part of the medication for me. The pit in my stomach when I was told that person felt like I was stalking and surveilling them if I was quiet in a call or stream despite years of me communicating that I was constantly struggling to even stay conscious was... HOO BOY. After years of fighting for my life to stay awake in college and sometimes even while DRIVING TO AND FROM WORK,,,,,,,, I really thought something was seriously wrong with me (besides the ADHD since I didn't realize it was a symptom of that)

With toxic people removed from my social spaces and general perception, I've finally started to join group calls with my friends again without anxiety or fear of not being welcome. It's helped me start to get back into playing games again, and I've been able to get into a few that either have built in accessibility features to avoid hand strain, or I've been able to modify my hardware setup to help with issues I was running into before. I've finally managed to pick up Warframe again, and I'm bouncing between that and Path of Titans without being hopelessly deep in a hyperfocus.

I officially got promoted at my job to Retail & Visitor Services manager (and got a $3 raise in Nov!!). While I'm struggling with finding help to ease my increased workload, I'm definitely way better off than before we hired on extra staff. It's given me a lot of networking opportunities (and excuses to go on field trips on the clock for ~*networking*~) and I've been juuuust starting to poke my head into local groups. One is a monthly artists crafting meetup right by work that starts right when I clock out! :D

I had the energy and free time to start branching out and trying other arts and crafts hobbies that had been interesting me! Ended up getting a serger machine to help really tidy up clothes that I make! I got into linocut & block printing, and have been having a lot of fun working on designs for that kind of printing. I even made a few printed shirts! And of course there was Andromeda, the first puppet I've ever made, and pretty much my proudest achievement in all my years of art so far.

I've honestly been spending less time on social media proper, usually forgetting to check tumblr for days or weeks at a time. Which has been good and bad, but overall better for me to stop feeling like I HAVE to fully backlog everything ever.

I got my first tattoo this year after wanting one for years and years! And that opened up a whole new can of worms and now I'm ending the year with 5 tattoos and 2 more scheduled in the next couple months oops! My first tattoo was Joltik, with my first ever pet spide!

I started keeping spiders this year after years of being too concerned about keeping pets that required live feeding! That also was a slippery slope. I picked up Indrid my red-backed jumper and Autumn my pumpkin patch t at the end of January, and now I have them, a regal jumper, a red-knee t, and a togo starburst t. You'd never guess that less than a decade ago I was scared shitless of all spiders. :> Especially now that I will occasionally free-handle wild spiders that need relocation to someplace safer. (Mostly still just jumpers tho)

Things aren't perfect by any means and I still have a lot of areas I want to personally improve myself in, but I feel like overall this has been a really really good year for me and I want to keep that momentum going into 2024! More art! More projects just for me! More time with friends! More enjoying games! More tidying my space literally and metaphorically!

[fawnshy]

(tw for needle / blood draw talk) I recovered from a needle phobia and I can confirm the numbing stuff helps a lot! There's additional things you can do that can help you feel in control, like bringing the numbing cream yourself, bringing a friend if they allow you to, practicing being assertive with your comfort levels to whoever is your nurse, theres also things like the "Buzzy" which combines ice and vibration to confuse your nerves from being able to feel it. Something I had to do was be prescribed Xanax to keep my anxiety down and ymmv because control is an aspect for you, but it was for me too and it helped me a lot. Good luck! You're gonna do great! Hugs

It makes me so happy to hear that you've recovered from your phobia! That's huge! Good for you!!

I'll definitely pick up some numbing cream before the appointment! I plan on dragging my sister along for moral support, too >:) Having her there will no doubt help me be more assertive with my boundaries!

I haven't heard of Buzzy though - I'll have to look into that! At this point, just about anything will help.

If my phobia gets the best of me and I have to give it another shot (haha), I'll definitely ask my doctor about Xanax or something. That was my first thought, but I'm wary about asking outright when my end goal is a prescription for Adderall, and I know doctors are extra paranoid about drug abuse. I've been on Adderall for years, but hey, you know how it is :(

Thanks so much for the encouragement and great advice! I really appreciate it!!

[polite-pandemonium]

Thoughts from an exhausted 30-something

I have been at my job nearly two years and still, sometimes I look around and see someone walk by and just think to myself, wow, I have never seen you before in my life. This honestly happens a lot more than I would like.

I need to go to the pharmacy before it closes and pick up my prescriptions, but I just need like, five minutes to think about what a bad mood I am in and wait to see if I am going to get indigestion from basically INHALING my dinner.

I also inhaled a bunch of Skittles as soon as I got in the door, what is wrong with me?

Speaking of what is wrong with me, spent a good fifteen minutes going back and forth from the kitchen to the mirror by my front door looking at my throat and thinking, "Is that part by my tonsils always red? Have I just never noticed before or am I getting sick?" like a fucking WEIRDO - my health anxiety is so much better than it was before but EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, I stare at my throat like a WEIRDO.

I ended up saying to my reflection, "ARE YOU OKAY?"

I am SO SICK AND TIRED of the amount of admin life requires. Like I don't want to go to the pharmacy? I don't want to put my dinner away and pack my lunch for tomorrow and run the dish washer and fold laundry. I WANT TO REST.

I read a post on Reddit recently where the poster was lamenting the amount of life admin tasks that make her too exhausted for hobbies and I just...felt that so deeply. I haven't completed any writing in almost four years and I think while a huge part of it is work, the other part is life admin. I just spend so much time cooking and cleaning and feeding myself and book appointments and steaming my clothes and figuring out what to wear to work and putting on make up and washing and drying my hair that I just feel depleted.

But also, I was reading something a bit of writing i was working on yesterday and I just hate it! I think it's so bad! Maybe my best writing days are just behind me! Maybe I just don't got it! Maybe it's not work or life admin, but my talent! Maybe I'm the problem!

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me.

Taylor Swift has released two new albums (evermore, Midnights) and will probably release a new one (TTPD) before I get around to updating my fic.

Taylor Swift is a year older than me (because she is born so late in 1989 and I was born so early in 1991) and I sometimes feel incredibly close in age to her and also incredibly far away.

Recently, for the first time in years, I just feel incredibly behind my peers. It's a wild feeling but I am accepting that I am kind of stagnating in my career and I'm kind of in a place where I can't do anything about it. I feel like I maybe wrote about this, but I don't think I am worthy of a promotion, but I want one and I want more money. And since I have such great insurance and medication that costs $3,000 a month, I can't really just comfortably move.

God, I regret spending FIVE FUCKING YEARS at a company that bled me dry and wouldn't promote me when I didn't need insurance and wasn't chronically ill.

I guess you can't know you are making mistakes until after you have made them, though.

I also never really care about being single, but I'm so tired lately, that all I want is a partner who can clean the kitchen and make dinner and pick up my prescriptions sometimes. If I didn't have to make dinner or clean up tonight, I could have done so much more! I could even go pick up my prescriptions and still have spare time.

But no, instead I have a messy kitchen and pasta sauce on my shirt.

Oh, to be 33 and hopelessly tired.

Oh, to be 33 and hopelessly alone.

I, for the most part, like being alone. I'm good at alone! I love living alone. I don't really feel like I *need* something or someone to feel less alone. It's just being alone just means that you only have yourself to depend on for everything and it's just a lot.

I am feeling TIRED IN MY BONES.

OK, my time is up, I really gotta go get my prescriptions now.

Which means I have to put on real pants and bundle up and get my travel cooler and ice packs from the freezer to transport one prescription.

Which feels like too much work.

Ugh.

Wait, also, I was in the elevator alone with our CEO today and he brought up my recent trip to Asia and then he mentioned that someone on accounts is going to Tokyo next week and I just felt SILLY saying, "Oh, I am headed back to Tokyo next week, too!" so I just DIDN'T and now he's probably gonna find out I'm going back from my boss and be like, oh that's weird why didn't she say anything? I JUST FEEL A LITTLE SILLY SAYING I'M GOING BACK SO SOON TO MOST PEOPLE.

The more I think about this, he probably won't think that cause he probably WILL NOT REMEMBER we chatted given the conversation started with him saying, "Sorry, I can't remember, have you gone on your trip yet?" And I was like, oh yes, I went in November.

I don't mean this as a slight to him, I just mean he's a busy man and has a lot to think about other than conversations in passing and all of the vacation dates of the many staff.

Also all to say, he's not thinking about me, I'm just placing too much importance on this conversation.

[chaoticskyy]

The one you mentioned in the notes of your fic? I guess that's about you? Im kinda interested in the other one now too

OH! Okie yeah your right it's about me.

SO. You're gonna need some context about who I am, where I come from, and what that means.

I'm an afro-indigenous person from Guatemala dad's side is the mixed black side, and mom's side is the primarily indigenous side. The region we're from is best described as Texas but worse. I carry a machete in my truck just in case, and every male elder I know wears a cowboy hat.

The mestizaje of the region is pretty through, most people are mixed indigenous with white, and of course, it's Guatemala. Half of us are "wholly" indigenous. I stick out like a sore thumb, not because I'm dark skinned. Black Guatemalans exist but mainly farther north, in Izabal and port regions. I'm fairly light skinned, but I have really curly hair, I'm tall for the region and not to being vain, but I'm really pretty.

Once I hit puberty, I haven't really been allowed to wander around on my own for safety reasons. You see, we live in a region where the organized crime that reigns isn't gangs, it's narcotics trafficking cartels. They usually leave you alone, unless you approach them for whatever reason. Like you want money and are willing to launder for them and things like that.

Narcos have this nasty habit of picking out women they deem attractive and sponsoring them, essentially being their sugar daddies but like Worse. Usually, the sugar baby can get put of the relationship scot-free, but in this case, women are known to be killed.

The fear has always been I catch the eye of one of them, and I have to flee the country for a long while. Or until they relocate. It's a fairly warranted fear, I've been approached by Narcos for dances, drinks, etc. I have been followed even while I've been in a large family group by these men who all clearly have pistols and bodyguards and are driving bulletproof SUVs. I've been saved every time by my family stepping in before I knew something was wrong.

Now that you know all of this info, let's get to the night I nearly got kidnapped! To be extremely clear, I have no idea what their specific intentions were other than that they wanted to take us away from the place we were at.

My mom's Gabapentin prescription had run out during our last trip to Guatemala, so my mom, my aunt, and I decided to head into town from my grandma's village to buy the medicine. My sister and younger cousin begged us to go, but I put my foot down and told them to fuck off because every time they left the house they made us spend more money than planned and the medication was going to be expensive.

Gotta say thank God I was an asshole to them that day.

My mom has some serious brain fog when we got to the 24HR pharmacy, she had tried to hold out and suck up the pain but I backfired on her and she wasn't able to hold out as long as she wanted which meant it was 9pm by the time we had headed into town. So she shoves the money into my hands and tell us to go get it.

We walk up to the pharmacy and wait in line outside. The pharmacy itself had been closed leaving only a tiny window for money and drugs to be exchanged. There's only two people in front of us, and then two men get behind us.

Blue shirt has a pistol on each side and a wicked looking knife on his right. Yellow shirt keeps looking me up and down. He only had one pistol.

It's no biggie. My own mom has a revolver in the car herself. Guns are the norm around here. If you don't have one, you at least have a machete. I hadn't noticed then, but they had purposely placed their truck at an angle, preventing anyone from passing the tiny road.

Then they start talking. Mind you, there are no alarm bells in my mind right now. I'm actually incapable of feeling anxiety while on my medication, not to mention my risk assessment skills are lacking due to the Autism. Yellow shirt does most of the talking, trying to sus out who we are and what we're doing. I don't realize things are wrong until my aunt is shaking with the wallet in her hands when I hand her the money to pay.

To me, the entire conversation was reading unwanted male attention, but still being like the sort of pushy politeness common in Latin cultures. This plus the fact that men especially get whatever they want can make even everyday interactions feel like microaggressions.

They get closer, and I corner myself, hoping that if we look ugly enough, they'll leave us alone. My aunt is panicking and trying to throw them off our scent, and then Yellow locks onto me and says "Your not from around here.". A fact in his eyes. He's wrong, but not entirely, I'm not from town, and I don't live in Guatemala anymore.

I'm just interesting looking to most people.

My aunt interjects, because I'm kinda a bitch to men and at the time I wasn't aware but she was worried I'd get us shot or worse.

This is kinda when I start to realize something is Wrong. My mind starts racing and now I'm fully prepared to piss or shit myself to avoid being raped.

Then my mom comes in and saved the day.

Bless her.

She's this stout pretty looking woman, she's got this habit of being confrontational and kinda a bitch. She managed to save my grandma from getting murdered once, and the woman can take one look at you tell you how much you weigh and give you an estimate of how long it would take her to cut you up butcher style. It's her favorite party trick, and is honestly unnerving. She also has very low self esteem, and when her disabilities flare up even more so. Which makes her swooping in and saving us all the more impressive.

My mom maneuvers the car to get closer and asks us what's taking us so long. Just as it was time for our turn, I go into autopilot and start talking to a pharmacist I can't see. The lucky bastard is hidden behind a bullet proof wall. Just out luck, he has to search for an alternative medication.

Mother is trying to distract them, and figure put what's going to get them to stop bothering us. Blue shirt points out that the car she's driving, a Mercedes-Benz SUV is not a common site. European engines around here are not common, and a car is life and freedom. He starts asking about the car and who my mom is, and who we are. How much she'd sell the car for.

My aunt had purposely been avoiding sharing any identifiers, including my last name. While it does have sway, it's often not enough, and it can backfire since people believe my father's family has lots of money and is a proud bunch.

My mother, on the other hand, introduced herself with her household name. This made Yellow shirt pause, and Blue to stop leering at me. After some needling on both ends of the conversation, it turned out that Yellow shirt and I are distantly related.

This finally allowed me to slip past Blue shirt and into the car.

When we got to my grandma's, started properly freaking out. Turns out my mom was fully ready to give them the car in exchange for our lives.

My aunts husband was fully freaked out because apparently those men are like known criminals. Like deep into being Narcos lakeckeys. They aren't Narcos themselves, but they like orbit the same spaces. According to him.

Also NOTE DO NOT LET THIS DISCOURAGE YOU FROM TRAVELLING IN GAUTEMALA!

I DO NOT GO TO TOURIST ATTRACTIONS OFTEN, I EXIST IN PRIMAILY RURAL RESIDENTIAL AREAS OF A NON TOURIST DEPARTMENT. THE BIGGEST WORRY FOR TOURIST IN TOURIST AREAS ARE PICK POCKETS AND FOOD POSIONING!

BE SAFE!

[fission-mailure]

Been without one of my medications for several days because of a stupid mistake on my part (I asked for the wrong medication when I went to order a repeat prescription, so I ended up with plenty of that one but none of the one I really needed), and oh boy did the effects of not having it kick in tonight with my anxiety massively ramping up.

Luckily, I fixed the mistake and picked up the meds today -- the only reason I hadn't taken it yet until just now is because it knocks me out for a long, long time if I haven't taken it in a few days -- so my mood should even out fairly fast, hopefully.

[doggirlnarcolepsy]

28/8 Update:

We had to put off paying rent last month to cover all the expenses related to my wife's hospitalization. We can afford to pay the two months rent, but that would leave us with no money for groceries, medicine, or necessities for the rest of the month.

I don't know how we'll make it through next month. Our fridge and freezer are nearly empty, and we haven't been eating much lately because we haven't had money for groceries. We haven't been able to pick up our hormones or other prescription medicine for over three months, and it's starting to have noticeable effects on both of us.

Please, we really want to be able to start putting all this stress and anxiety from the last few weeks behind us. If anyone is in the position to help we wouldn't be able to thank you enough.

$70 / $700

Help Two Trans Lesbians Recover From a Medical Crisis

Since Tumblr finally deigned to give me this blog back, I'm remaking this post because we still need money, and everything we've just been through these last few weeks has both of us at our wit's end.

You can read the previous posts here and here.

To summarize: My wife and I have struggled to make ends meet for the last couple of months. I've been searching for jobs with no luck.

At the end of July, my wife was hospitalized because she had a double-digit number of blood clots in her legs and lungs that could easily have been lethal if they hadn't been caught early.

We've had to prioritize things she required after being discharged (blood thinners, compression socks, painkillers), which was a massive unexpected blow to our already strained economy and means we haven't had the money to pick up our other medicine (including our hormones) or go shopping for groceries.

Please, we're rapidly running out of food to eat. If anyone is capable of helping, even just by sharing this post, we would both be incredibly grateful.

p*yp*l: @QueenSizedDonger

$0 / $400

[celiaelise]

Have you ever been such a disaster of a person that you lost a brand new bottle of one your psych meds, (even though you usually have a specific place to put them, because you know you cannot be trusted) and then the old bottle runs out during the first week of your new job? So now in addition to the nerves and dramatic changes associated with starting a new job and trying to juggle two jobs, there's extra anxiety/depression/general shitty moods on top of that.

And honestly the bottle is probably still in my apartment somewhere, but my home is just as much of a disaster as I am. I did my best to check the most likely places, but there's not really a way to actually, comprehensively search for it without tearing apart and organizing the entire place, which would be an effort of, like, several days, if that was the only thing I had going on, and I had the help of one or more other people.

I might be being dramatic, but not by much.

Also, my AC's been out for literal months, but it should be finally getting replaced tomorrow! (I could've sworn there was a maracas emoji??? I was going to put one here but apparently it doesn't actually exist, so.) I was actually kind of expecting them to do that today, so hopefully nothing weird is going on, and they get everything wrapped up tomorrow.

Also, I'm, like, almost out of food right now, because my mom usually buys me groceries, but my new job's been distrupting my weekend schedule of visiting their place, (when I would pick the stuff up) and I haven't put effort into figuring out something else. And also for other reasons that boil down to me not being on top of my shit, idk. I'm not that out of food, it's fine, but like. I guess I'm out of the stuff that's easiest for me to eat?

And today I went to my retail job for the first time in two weeks, (more because they just didn't schedule me than bc I was busy with the other job) and I feel like I acted really weird and distant, because I'm just, like, extremely drained/wrung-out/etc. But I did have to call out "sick" the last two days, so I have the excuse of recovering, at least.

Anyway, not sure if I was going anywhere with all this. I guess I just wanted to complain about how I'm having a moderately miserable time. Like, it's not like everything's awful, I've mostly just been putting myself through the emotional wringer, for only partially rational reasons.

Oh, ALSO, I finally switched my health insurance at the start of this month! But I'm, like, unclear on how much is actually covered, and I'm not sure if my prescriptions are covered, like, at all?? And I also don't know if I have the energy to investigate it 😓 I don't have to pay for my scripts myself, (another thing my mom takes care of) but it still matters how much they cost, especially given that I have, like, twelve of them. (That may be an exaggeration, but not by much.)

Anywaaaay, (again) I hope all of you out there are having acceptable nights 💕

[3pirouette]

Thank you to @captainjimothycarter who reached out and let me know the Steggy Secret Santa was happening earlier this year. If you haven't signed up yet, you should!

I have been notably absent for a while. If you're nosy (like I am) and want to know, reasons are below. TW for medical/Doctor issues...

TL:DR though is I'm pretty much OK, may have a Thyroid issue and the doctor I've been seeing is completely horrible, but I'm OK.

So, it started about 6 months ago when I got reprimanded by my OBGYN for not having a primary doctor. She found this out because I had found out my Dad had a genetic something-or-other that meant it was much more likely he'd get blood clots (He's had 2, and my uncle died from one). I asked her opinion about getting tested (as I'm overweight, about to turn 40, and was on birth control.) She told me I needed to stop my BC and get tested right away and find a PCP.

I go to the hematologist. I thankfully test negative.

In the meantime, I get referred to a new PCP (my previous one retired in the MIDDLE of the pandemic in 2020... thanks.) who my friend said was great. I had to wait almost 2 months for a new patient appointment, but I figured between me having no issues I knew about, the summer, and her having a really popular practice that it would be ok.

She was alarmed by my family history of cardiac issues and recommended I see a cardiologist. She also gave me a prescription for basic bloodwork.

Now, I remind you all that in GENERAL I feel fine. I've been steadily gaining weight despite exercising a lot and have a lot of fatigue, poor sleep, and mild self-diagnosed anxiety and depression, but I was attributing all of that to poor diet, the pandemic, and stress at work. So, I waited three weeks because of a family vacation to get my blood work done.

The bloodwork comes back in 4 days with MULTIPLE abnormals.

The bloodwork came back right before my meeting with the cardiologist AND a new nutritionist. The cardiologist looked at me, my history (He treats my father who has the most issues in my family, so he knew my history WELL) and the blood work and he ran a few tests in office. He wants to see my cholesterol drop (it was high but JUST out of range) in the next six months, otherwise if I'm not having issues he didn't need to see me again.

The nutritionist (did I mention she's new? Because the other one I started seeing in the spring said not only should i get a new job if my current schedule was making me make bad choices, but that "losing weight is easy. Celebrities do it for movies all the time." I kid you NOT.) So, the new nutritionist looked at my bloodwork, stated that some of my issues could be stemming from some of the abnormal values (notably my TSH/thyroid hormone) but we worked on a plan to get my eating habits on track.

After a WEEK of not hearing from the PCP office I called them and asked if I can make an appointment to review my lab work. I had to CALL THEM. I had to wait from Sept 6 to Sept 22nd JUST to get a telehealth appointment. That she was 15 minutes late for. AND she didn't address my concerns about my WILDLY high TSH, but focused on all the other things I told her the cardiologist and nutritionist had already gone over with me. I also had abnormal liver values- but I also believe based on some of my research that can be caused by the TSH. Again, she did NOT address my concerns about my TSH.

She said we should do more bloodwork. Perfect. let's get more information so we can find out what is actually going ON. Except after a week the new prescription for the bloodwork isn't on the patient portal. So I call them and they say i can't access through my phone, only a PC or Laptop. So I have to wait until the next day to look again. it's still not there. So I have to call them and they say that they sent it to Labcorp. So I call Labcorp and they don't HAVE IT. So then I call them back and they are going to PUT IT IN THE MAIL for me. I can't go pick it up, they are going to PUT IT IN THE MAIL. After ANOTHER week I call them up and THIS person on the phone is like, "Well, you didn't get it yet? Do you want to just wait?" NO. No I don't Want to JUST WAIT. So then SHE says she can put it on the PORTAL. All told, I had to wait until October 18th (From a Sept 22 appt) to get my second blood draw.

My results came in (Still abnormal on some tests, others normal) on October 22nd. Today is November 1st and I STILL haven't heard from my doctors.

I've made an appointment for next week to get a new primary care doctor. I'm done with this woman and her office. I do NOT feel cared for at all. if my TSH is abnormal it could be the cause of a lot of the symptoms I'm having that I didn't even realize were symptoms. I do not want to wait anymore and I'm APPALLED.

But anyway- that's why I haven't been around. I've been absolutely depressed and frustrated about this situation. And I think my fatigue and inability to function (which in hindsight has slowly gotten worse) has also shown up in my inability to focus on my writing over the last year.

But, yeah.

Fingers crossed for the new guy next Wednesday.

[raspberryconverse]

Too much to put in the tags, so here goes.

This scene definitely made me cry.

Earlier this year, I was going through a lot. Hell, late last year I was going through a lot. My spouse and I had just bought a house and we've had thing after thing to fix in our old house and it's just been A LOT. I wasn't handling it well. My anxiety was becoming crippling. I was losing my temper about everything. I would fly off the handle and then have sobbing fits where I could barely breathe. Finally, my therapist and spouse convinced me that my current medication cocktail just wasn't working anymore and I finally contacted a psychiatrist (technically a PMHNP).

I was really losing hope. When I'd have those sobbing fits, I'd have thoughts (just thoughts, thankfully) of self harming, which is something I haven't done in 20 years. Sometimes I'd even scratch at my arm, almost trying to rip open a scar from when I gouged my arm on a nail when we were moving a bookshelf last fall.

The underlying thought was not necessarily that I wanted to die (I actually have an almost pathological fear of dying), but I just wished I wasn't here anymore. I remember there was one time I was driving to Walgreens to pick up one of my new prescriptions my PMHNP had called in and I had to make a left turn on a busier street in my neighborhood. I couldn't see around the parked cars and when I turned, a car almost hit me. It scared me, of course, but what scared me even more was the thought that popped in my head: I wish they had hit me.

A while later, when I was having a really bad moment, so I curled up with my spouse and told them about that. They were my Nick at that moment. There was no judgement. Just love.

So yeah, definitely cried during that scene.

i wanna talk about this scene until i die, they both deserve awards for this. everything about it was beautifully heartbreaking.

the closeness of not only them but the camera, the silence while they talk, the way Nick is almost whispering his way through when the words become to hard to say. The moment is all them, the vulnerability, the care, the love.

I got chills the moment Charlie admitted what he used to do, my heart shattered when Nick pulls him in for the hug when he asks if he still does it, when Charlie says he doesn’t and they don’t let go of each other.

Nick loves Charlie and Charlie loves Nick, and maybe neither of them can say it out loud right now but we can feel it’s truth.

Well done Alice for writing this, Well done Euros for the directing and well done Kit and Joe for this acting. it was absolutely phenomenal and one of my favourite scenes to exist in tv ever!

[mitigatedchaos]

do you offer medical advice on whether certain stimulants will eventually give you brainrot

The following is a recounting of my personal experience, not medical advice.

As an additional note, there are reports of black market stimulants being replaced with lethal doses of fentanyl. I never took a prescription-grade stimulant I was not prescribed, and I have never used other drugs.

I switched from a higher-grade, more powerful stimulant to a lower-grade, less powerful one out of felt concerns about its potential risks. I was on and off the second one due to concerns about it (and probably diet-related stomach issues which caused chest discomfort; I'm not especially overweight but it takes a while to pick up on food causing an acidic reaction when you're young).

Eventually my general level of anxiety increased and thus the low-grade stimulant caused me to sit there and be anxious at an accelerated rate rather than accomplishing work. I decided not to start taking an anxiolytic.

I can see how people believe in the concept of superintelligence. If it were possible to keep moving on the vector that prescription stimulants push on, it would be possible to become like a superintelligence.

Caffeine has the effect of producing words, but it's not as useful for doing math.

I haven't used a prescription stimulant in probably 5-7 years. I drink tea roughly every day now. (Even coffee is too caffeinated for me - also causes stomach pain.) Both coffee and tea are like thousands of years old.

Lately (the past month or so) I've been taking 200mg of L-theanine 1-2 times daily, which is a green tea extract. At first I thought it wasn't working when I tried it years ago, but that was at a lower dose. For the moment it seems to have a positive effect, with more stuff getting done.

If you are wondering if ADHD influences my politics, it does. When young, I was pretty turned off the conservatives' message "to be successful, just work 80 hour weeks for 10 years," because I literally, on a gut level, cannot understand how to do that, though this was tempered by the knowledge that somehow e.g. doctors actually did this and weren't just making it up.

If that sounds conducive to liberal welfare capitalism as an approach, that's because it is.

The natural conservatives have a different mentality from me and believe the bootstraps thing as a moral imperative, not merely a necessity for operating the systems of production.

I'm aligning with them now not out of a moral belief in the validity of "work or starve," but out of projecting the system requirements out farther than my left-leaning peers, with less generous assumptions about the underlying reality and more hedging of bets.

ADHD people are not necessarily smarter, but we do search farther out in the solution space for a given level of ~vaguely gestures at IQ~. Ironically, if I had the mentality to just plow through it all, I might have been outmaneuvered in the social/political context. Likewise, if I had a higher IQ and were less ADHD, I might have less sympathetic politics.

[jjmaybanksblog]

Sunshine- JJ Maybank

( not my gif!)

hi girl 💕 i was hoping you’d be interested in doing another jj x reader? Where JJ finds her hidden, having a panic attack and it takes a little bit to calm her down? 52, 84, 92, 125 , 152 were the numbers I picked but if there’s too many or you can’t make them all work, you can pick whichever. 💜

Word count: 1,552 

Summary: JJ finds you having a panic attack and is right by your side to help you calm down.

Prompts:

52. “Hey, hey, calm down. They can’t hurt you anymore.”

84. “Take your medicine.”

92. “I feel like I can’t breathe.”

125. “Don’t do anything stupid, I’m gonna help you.”

152. “It happened again.”

17 years. 17 years of constant arguments between your parents that ended with screaming and cussing. 17 years of flinching everytime a door slammed. 17 years of wondering if it would end with violence or a drunk mother and/or father. 

There was one person who stayed by your side those entire 17 years, your best friend JJ Maybank. JJ was your neighbor since you two were in diapers, becoming his best friend after he asked you if you would like to go to the local playground to go collect bugs for his insect tank. He was always there for you no matter what the issue was, whether it be a boy who broke your heart, your parents arguing, hell even if you had cramps he would be over in a minute with snacks and medicine for the pain.

JJ knew you more than you knew yourself; he knew when you were stressed, he knew when you haven't eaten, he knew if you needed to leave a situation, he always knew if you didn't take your medication. He was always on top of you with your medication for your anxiety. Everyday at 3 p.m. and he wasn't with you, he would call or text you to make sure you took the pills.

He was the reason you were still alive and functioning, the reason you were still smiling even with everything you were facing. He was there right by your side holding your hand when you went to your first therapy session. He was there for you when you had your first panic attack. JJ was the ray of sunshine in the tunnel of darkness that suffocated you.

It was 5 in the morning when you first heard the shouts of your parents. Their screams echoed through the halls, slamming against the sound of the closed bathroom door. You sat in the bathtub, knees pulled up to your chest as you rested your head on your arms. You rocked back and forth softly trying to catch your breath as it felt like the walls were closing in.

Squeezing your eyes shut, you clamped your hands over your ears as you heard a harsh slapping sound and a broken cry escape your mother's lips. The feeling of a cement block slowly felt like it was pushing on your chest, making it feel like your throat closed up with each breath you took. "It's okay, I'm okay." You quietly repeated to yourself, trying to trick yourself into believing it.

You opened your eyes, quickly shutting them again when you saw black splotches in the air; like when you rub your eyes too hard and you see the white spots in the back of your mind. You were too focused on trying to calm yourself down, you didn't notice the door slamming twice signaling that both your parents left you alone in the house. 

JJ was out in his backyard hearing the whole thing, eyes trained on your house praying that you were okay. As soon as he saw your parents storm out the front door he hopped over his fence and ran straight  into your house. Panic was written on his face as he checked every room in the house, not seeing any sign of you. He checked your bedroom to see messed up sheets and your prescription medication on your night stand. 

He ran to the bathroom directly across the hall to hear your broken whimpers coming from inside. He didn't want to burst into the room, knowing that would only make your panic attack worse. He gently knocked on the door, feeling panicked when you didn't answer in any way. He opened the door to see an empty bathroom, but he quickly realized you were sitting in the bathtub. Pulling the curtain back, his heart shattered seeing you in such a distressed state.

You popped your head up at the sound of the curtain moving, afraid your parents found you there. You instantly felt a wave of relief rush through your body, but you still felt like you were frozen in fear. "I feel like I can't breathe." You stuttered, still feeling the crushing weight on your chest. He quickly got down on his knees to become face to face with you. He slowly reached his hand out and held onto your shoulders, waiting for you to allow him to hug you. 

You turned your body towards him and that's when he knew he could hug you. He wrapped his arm around your waist, the other holding the back of your head; entangling itself in your hair. Tucking your face into the crook of your neck, you felt as if you could slowly start to breathe again. "It happened again." You mumbled, attempting to stop your body from shaking. He pressed a kiss to your forehead before slowly pulling back. 

“Hey, hey, calm down. They can’t hurt you anymore." He pressed his forehead against yours, placing your hand on his chest, right on top of his heart. "Follow my breathing, okay? In… out… in… out… there we go, sunshine." You repeated his actions, feeling your lungs inhale the air properly. The heavy weight was no longer on your chest, leaving a small aching feeling.

“Don’t do anything stupid, I’m gonna help you," he said, "I'll be right back." You swallowed harshly, realizing how dry your mouth had gotten. You wiped away the stray tears with the back of your hand and blew your nose with toilet paper before JJ came back with your pill bottle and a glass of water.

“Take your medicine.” He instructed, passing you a pill into your hand. You sighed loudly before looking up at JJ. He gave you a look you knew all too well. It was the 'Please take this before I have to forcefully cram it down your throat' look that he's been giving you since you first got the prescription. You tossed the pill into your mouth, quickly chugging the glass of water. You fanned yourself with your hands, body feeling hot from feeling so claustrophobic.

"Hot?" He asked, sitting on the lid of the toilet. You nodded your head, running your hand through your hair to push it out of your face. "You trust me?" He asked you as he stood up. You nodded your head, "of course." "Okay, just sit there but scoot forwards." You obeyed him as scooted towards the front of the tub, your eyelids feeling heavy. 

JJ slowly turned the faucet on and plugged the tub, allowing it to begin to fill with cold water. You instantly relaxed at the cool touch, softly grinning as you saw JJ take his shoes off before stepping into the tub behind you. You reached forward and shut the water off once it reached up to your thighs. JJ rested against the back wall, allowing you to lay yourself between his legs, your back pressed against his chest. His arms reached around your front as he looped his fingers on top of yours. Your body shivered as he pressed a soft kiss to the back of your neck.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine." He started softly singing, earning a soft giggle from you. "You make me happy when skies are gray." You sang with him, letting the feeling of happiness overcome your emotions. "You never know dear, how much I love you." You tilted your head back against his chest, fluttering your eyes shut as he pecked your forehead. "Please don't take my sunshine away." 

You could feel your heartbeat find a steady pace once again as you surrounded yourself in JJ's touch. He rested his cheek on the top of your head, smiling to himself as he heard you sigh in relief. "You okay princess?" He whispered into your ear, triggering a patch of goosebumps to appear on your arms. 

"Is it okay if I go get us some dry clothes?" You nodded your head as JJ carefully exited the tub, grabbing a towel to dry his lower half off. You stretched your body out in the tub, letting the cool water splash against your torso. JJ went to your closet, immediately taking his extra clothes he leaves there for nights like this one. He picked out shorts and a shirt for you to sleep in, hoping it would be comfortable enough for you. 

He walked back towards the bathroom, passing you a towel and your dry clothes. You two faced away from each other as you both quickly changed out of your clothes. You giggled as JJ almost fell over trying to put his shorts on, hearing him grunt in annoyance at his action. 

Being too lazy to put your clothes in the washer, you left your clothes in the bathtub along with JJ's. You led him to your room, closing the door before you threw yourself onto your bed. JJ turned the bedroom lights off before joining you in bed, carefully tucking the sheets around your body. You faced him, your eyes slowly shutting as JJ held the side of your face, his thumb delicately skimming your cheek. 

"Goodnight, sunshine." You mumbled, angling your head to kiss the palm of his hand. He smiled at you with an adoring look in his eyes, "goodnight, princess."

[miss-bibbles]

SO I read a lot of fanfiction...like more than is probably healthy for me, but it brings me a lot of joy so I'm gonna keep doing it. I recently finished Evolution is spelt with an R by de-sire and I was pretty obsessed with it, I just there are so many things I love about it. I loved the world-building and that it approached the wizarding war from a different perspective

My taste tends to vary pretty widely, I'll go from mature to general. If you haven't read operation toebeans by moonymoment you should because it's so adorable I'm obsessed with it.

I also read "Don't blame me, love made me crazy" by coupe_de_foudre recently and it was adorable. Flirty Jegulus gives me life!

ALSO Quite like Us is so cute and I am waiting with baited breath for the next chapter. I really want to see how the author is going to work with Sirius and Regulus' relationship. It's so clear they love each other but they are both a mess who don't really know how to have actual real conversations. I haven't read the other two you mentioned yet, I'm not a big wip person, I have to really be in the mood to get into one, I tend to read fics all in one sitting and I get anxiety sometimes when I don't know what happens immediately

Don't hate me but I'm 100% the person who purposefully spoils movies and things sometimes for myself because the waiting makes me anxious, so I follow Yaz on here and am pretty much up to date on what's happening in WYWM and I'm super excited to read it when they are finished with it, and I'll live happily knowing all the spoilers thus far

SO for my favorite Au's, I'm pretty partial to magic au's, I absolutely adore seeing how authors see the world and how they expand on it and all the magical theory they put behind it (I'm a huge nerd for magical theory). I enjoy a good modern au when I'm in the mood for it. I've been known to read a time travel fic every once in a while (back to magical theory, I find the theory behind it truly fascinating)

I'm getting ready to read "The things I did" by lolo-row which is a wolfstar fic that just finished. All I really know about it is that it's based after james/lily die and Remus realized the Sirius azkaban thing is fishy and he works to get him free and also works to get Harry away from his shitty relatives. I have high hope for it, so we will see.

What's your favorite fic you've read recently? What au's make you go high-key feral?

-Chaotic Fanfic Anon

i read fanfics a lot that everyone in the household is kind of concerned about me but i'm me and i'm always insane. but i had a humongous increase in my prescription after i started reading fanfics till very very very late in the dark, under the covers. so. probably not healthy

de-sire is such a great writer! they have so many amazing fics but i've yet to read the one you're referring to

i added tobeans and don't blame me to my tbr! thanks for the rec

yess quite like us is pretty adorable. i love it! i've read way too many wrong number AUs but i think there's only one for jegulus. i don't follow many wips too. at first i read everything under the tags but then i came to love a select few and i follow only them.

SAME i ruin everything by going and searching the events of a movie or a book online but i can't fucking help it. no one actually understands how my brain works. its a mystery that im going to pretend ik the answers to

wywm and yaz is a void that sucks everyone in whether or not you're reading the fic. please its just so funny and sweet how you followed them and then stuck around for updates and spoilers of a fic you haven't read and now love as your own

i got sick of sad, canon compliant magical au jegulus so i haven't picked up a magic au in a while. but i agree with being a nerd and freaking out over well developed magic systems in fantasy books. like omg its the most fun part to read and also to write if you're a writer

i've read two or three time travel fix its. there's one i beta-ed for which is Ouroboros. the others i don't recall.

my favorite recently read fic...omg i haven't started new fics in a while. eesh. but i did post a list of comfort fics so you can check that out

what AU makes me go feral. mmm. i love modern AUs bc there's so much potential for everything. i hope this makes sense but i really love how writers translate a certain event from canon to the modern AU and change it - like werewolf remus has a chronic condition instead. little things like that.

enemies to friends to lovers makes me go *incoherent shrieking* which is why i've started writing my own romeo juliet business rivals AU for jegulus bc if gods provide me no content then i will take my destiny in my own hands

[chronicparagon]

"No, it's fine. I can clean and such. I can start on that soon. " Harmony answers quickly with a soft smile. Though it is a facade attempting to hide the worry in her mind. She can tell that Desmond is happier with how things seem to be going well. Finding love, being loved, talks of engagement and weddings, the babies.

It seems things are going the way they want.

If only that was true...

There is darkness hiding beneath the happiness and warmth. The cold, dark truth of the gravity of her condition. The last talk she had with her doctor plagues her mind, making her nights full of overwhelming nausea become more grim with nightmares. Days of exhaustion were more intense with her heart racing despite advice to reduce as much stress as possible due to the risks to her health and the twins. Relaxing is next to impossible when the harsh reality is glaring at her.

His question snaps Harmony out of the daze caused by her weariness and mounting fears. She sits straight in her seat with eyes wide. Harmony quickly shakes her head before speaking once again.

"Well, no. That's not what I was thinking at all."

That is mostly true, mostly.

The prenatal appointments were quite upbeat until the doctor learned there are twins and the father's family has quirks.

That changed everything.

Harmony is more afraid of the risks of multiple pregnancies. Having one is a challenge, but the fact there is two increases the chances of something going wrong. In fact, the doctor classified her as a high risk because there is more than one, and that they may have quirks make the risks of complications more unpredictable.

The excitement of motherhood shifts to fears of the unknown. The reassurance that things seem fine for now did little to quell the intensifying anxiety of no medical professional not knowing entirely what will happen. Yes, journeys like this have their dangers, and medical science, despite its wonderful advances, can't predict everything.

She can't control the increased risks and the serious conversations of having to change the birth plans and preparing for the worst.

Induction...Cesarian...Power of attorney...

She isn't sure if Desmond knows that multiples with possible quirks can make things deadly at any time.

Yes, there are family, friends, and Desmond here to help, but...they won't even know what could happen or how bad it could be.

"I just...I'm tired. I don't really sleep much anymore. Eating has been more difficult too..." Yet, she still tries for the babies. That is far more important than her own comfort to avoid the sickness. She manages to keep fluids down, so dehydration is not severe at this point.

"I talked about it from my last appointment. I have a prescription for it since the vitamin B6 supplements she suggested before didn't help. I haven't picked the new meds up yet. It should be at the Indian Health Board Pharmacy. I meant to get it today. I just..." A sigh follows her words, "I haven't felt up to it yet."

@rubbarband

"I could do those chores for you, you shouldn't overwork yourself , I like cleaning my pad, I already moved all the boxes in the guest room downstairs to the last spare room, I can't believe it, soon we're gonna have two little babies live in that room." Desmond pulled her closer to let her feel the warmth of his essence, the smell of lavender and vanilla body wash on him and his natural musk as well.

"I'll have to be more careful on missions but having more to protect always helped me bet through everything anyway." Desmond just basked in the warm floaty feeling of being loved and having it, having someone lay with him sit with him and not being alone in thss big house anymore.

It was then Des noticed how quiet she was, normally she was more chatty, which he adored, he adored everything about Harmony, but she seemed, off, maybe it was the fatigue, or she was hungry , or sick. Des tapped his tail on her, clearly in thought as well, a curious , but alert tail movement cats did when either agitated, confused, or curious. Time to break the silence.

"You can tell me what's on your mind if you want babe, I wanna make sure you're as comfortable as possible." He looked her in the eyes with a smile, placing a hand under her chin to have her look into his eyes. "You worried about the kids? You know you don't have to do this alone right? I got family who will help us take care of them. Friends willing to help; I'm sure your parents would help too.. it's important to realize that you don't have to be alone in this, and you can tell me anything." Unless she was worried about the one thing she couldn't control.

"Are you worried they'll be like me?" Des asked earnestly