#i haven't picked up my anxiety prescription

[green-mountain-goose]

why're things so fucked upppppp~

[spasmsofthought]

the risk (is drowning) [jake seresin x f!reader]

This little 1k piece is 100% inspired by the song Risk by Gracie Abrams. What a masterpiece this song is.

Also a special dedication to all my anxious wallflower girlies (especially those in their mid-to-late twenties). You are seen and loved. You will be wanted. xoxo

Warnings: Some indirect allusions to anxiety/social anxiety.

Please like, comment, reblog. Let me know what you think! xo

on A03 here

+++

"It feels like the universe is pranking me."

The bar is loud and bright and crowded, even in the shadows of the back corner where you and your roommate Alexis are sitting on stools. A remixed pop song is playing from the speakers in the room - it sounds like something you heard in CVS three days ago while picking up your prescription strength Benadryl. Damn hives. You knew better than to let Jessica be the one to choose the takeaway order for lunch. She never remembered anybody's food allergies.

"I wonder," You continue speaking as you swirl the straw in your club soda, "if I'm on some alien reality version of punk'd. I feel like there's a camera trying to catch me over my shoulder. I keep waiting to hear a laugh track in the background."

Alexis just sighs from across you. Then she gives you the look that she's been giving you all evening - full of love but also half-reproach and half-amusement.

"I think you might've coordinated my outfit for nothing," You look down at the number you're wearing. It's something that's much different than you're usual look - not as casual and more flashy. It screams look at me with several exclamation points. You don't remember the last time you wore something to make someone else notice you - not intentionally. You don't really know for sure if it's helping you feel more confident or more like a poser.

"I wore mascara for no reason." You slump against the wall at your back. "He hasn't shown up. I don't even think he's going to be here tonight."

There's a minute of semi-silence where you take in the ambiance of the place. You notice that the music over the speakers has changed genres to a popular country song that has some people by the pool table swaying or singing along at the counter with beer bottles in their hands pretending that they're microphones.

"Speak of the devil," Alexis smirks at you and then points her chin towards the direction of the front door. She's not wrong.

There he is in all of his golden glory. Jake Seresin. Lieutenant, Naval aviator, Top Gun graduate.

He's never actually introduced himself to you; you've never met him. It's not that hard to get a beat on who he is though - he's all anyone ever talks about in this place. You notice you're staring and swivel your attention back to Alexis.

The amount of times you've daydreamed about his eyes or, God, his hands feels almost wrong due to the fact that you've never even spoken a word to the man.

He really is just your type: a blue-eyed all-American boy with a killer smile and all the confidence in the world. You can practically feel the rush of heat to your face and you bring your soda to your lips for a quick swallow.

It had been really challenging at first, pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and intentionally choosing to spend time with crowds of people, even if it's really only Alexis you ever talk to. It's taken months to feel much more comfortable even hanging in the back corner of a bar like this.

Jake had been a regular before this became your weekend hangout spot with Alexis and ever since the first day you saw him you'd known that he wasn't the type of person to escape anybody's notice. Whether it's his natural charisma or a learned charm, you looked at him once and haven't stopped looking.

Your life has always felt more monotone - shades of black and white with spots of blue or green or yellow or pink here and there. Even from far away, you can tell that Jake Seresin's life is in full, vibrant technicolor. You keep wondering what that must be like.

"If there's any time to shoot your shot it'd be now, before the groupies surround him." Alexis advises you.

He's just making his way to the bar counter after calling out greetings or doing that weird bro handshake guys do with each other when they're acquaintances but don't know each other that well.

You don't know why you came tonight, why you confessed this to her in the first place. You don't know why your mind has been stuck on a Jake Seresin loop. Why this has been the one thing it hasn't let go of.

You're almost ready to bolt out of there, indecision weighing heavy on your shoulders. The indecision isn't even the worst part because you're friends with indecision. It's been there for you all your life.

It's the fact that you want to go up there and introduce yourself to him that's actually terrifying. You can't remember the last time you wanted something like this. Have you?

"If you don't get up and go over there yourself, I will make you."

Your mom used to tell you that the only way you started learning how to swim as a young girl was when she tossed you into the deep end of the pool with a swimming instructor and you had to learn first-hand, in the moment, how to paddle in water to keep from drowning.

"But he's so hot," You whisper, leaning across the table as your hands start to shake, "I'm no supermodel on a runway. I've never even had a boyfriend."

"How have I never known that you're in your late twenties and never had a boyfriend?" Alexis gapes, one of her hands coming to cover your shaking ones.

"Never even been on a real date, actually." You grimace and lean away, pulling your hands out from under hers.

"I'm not going to force you," Alexis softens, "If you're really not ready, we can go and come back some other time."

You take a deep breath in, then a slow breath out. "What if he shoots me down?" What if I drown in rejection?

"Remember what you said when we took that philosophy course on morality in grad school and we were arguing about what it means for a person to have 'character'?" You frown at Alexis' words. Grad school, where you met her and became life-long friends, feels like a lifetime ago. "You said, 'It's your motivations and actions that make you who you are.' If you go over there and he's the one that rejects you, that is communicating something to you about who he is. His rejection is not about you."

You take a second breath and shrug, "That makes sense, I guess."

"There's a reason I'm your best friend y'know." Alexis flips her hair over her shoulder.

"I'm worth this," You nod your head adamantly, peeking at him from the corner of your eye. But your eyes don't meet nothing. It's only a quick glance, but there's a glimmer of recognition in his eyes. Something that tells you that you won't be making a complete fool of yourself.

"Damn right you are," Alexis says.

You slowly stand up from your seat against the wall, shaking your hands out. You're going to let what you want override your indecision and anxiety, even if it's just for sixty seconds.

"Okay, okay, okay," You whisper to yourself. Taking a step and then turning back towards Alexis.

"You've got this," She reassures you. "Go, be brave."

Your turn around and walk forward, Jake Seresin in your sights. Maybe you in his, based on the second glance your garner. You turn your head one last time to give Alexis and anxious, unsure smile and then you walk the rest of the way to the bar counter by yourself. You don't look back.

[lordelmelloi2]

we need help again...

I hate hate hate hate to make this post but we could really use some help. Mostly because I am uninsured until my job opens enrollment for its health insurance in June and on the eve of us signing the apartment lease tomorrow, I have contracted strep throat from my coworkers. Hooray!

I'm gonna try and get an appointment at the community health center doctor's tomorrow because I straight up don't have the money or time to go to the CVS minuteclinic across the street. They said it was $139 for a strep appointment without insurance, I said hell no... If I wait another day I can try and get a sliding scale $40 appt at the doctors. Right now is just stressful because we need money and because they didn't give us our security deposit back I'm not going to have enough money for my bills the beginning of the month. Plus there are literally THREE prescriptions I have asides from however much a Z pack will likely cost and one of them is an ointment from a compound pharmacy that I don't have money to pay for~!!!! 😭😭😭

Asides from that I am afraid that we miscalculated how much we have for rent for May so I'm trying to see about covering those costs so we aren't paying 3 days late into the month of May for our May rent first month. I really don't want to have a bad first impression with these people. They've been very kind to us so far with renting this new place but I don't want to push the limits.

I've already asked my dad for help but he wasn't able to spare enough for us to be totally covered + he needs me to pay him back by August. During the month of April I also applied to multiple credit unions for personal loans and got rejected...

So my total expenses are:

- Medication/Doctor's visit (including pre-existing prescriptions that I haven't had the money to pick up) ($160)

- Phone bill ($75 for this first month, should be going down next month as verizon charges my account with different coding)

- costs for rent/move (like hopefully $200 idk. I think we can swing the last hundred)

In addition: Because of my history of struggling with commissions due to my psychiatric disability, I don't really want to do this but if you donate a sum above $100 you can ask me to digitally paint something for you. Please no complicated requests or anything since I've been struggling with art for years now from depression/anxiety etc. but I would feel indebted to you if I didn't do anything. If this is something you'd like please DM me/send me an ask off anon.

* As for why we have been so financially fucked this month. Our current apartment complex (yes the one with the leaks, roaches, harmful construction noises etc.) has kept our security deposit which has us out $300 that we could've used towards the new place. They have fucked us over one last time.

My paypal as always is at: paypal.me/roseod

And please share if you can. Every reblog/donation of even a small amount is appreciated. Thank you all so much for supporting me.

[missvelvetsstuff]

The Situation Room

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: After a mission almost gone wrong, Tony brings back Bucky's former assistant, who is also Bucky's ex. Can they work together without hurting each other? Will the whole truth about their break up finally come out?

Chapter 10

Warnings: Swearing and angst

Notes: WooHoo! An update. I've been writing a sentence or two a day waiting for my muse and she stopped by yesterday to help write this chapter.

It's shorter than I prefer but its an update. Sorry for the cliffhanger and the reality that idk when I'll be able to update again with everything going on.

Life is still kicking my ass and I was sick af all weekend but am slowly improving. We officially move in with mom in law this weekend to take care of her with home hospice. Between that, broken cars and the holidays I'm frazzled and exhausted.

I hope it doesn't suck.

Radar was woken up by Bucky's snoring and her full bladder. As she became more aware she saw the room was just starting to lighten up and realized the team would be waking soon.

She then realized she was tangled up with Bucky and laid thinking for a few minutes, trying to work out how to extricate herself without waking him. When she picked up her head she felt a knot in her neck from the position she had fallen asleep in, which triggered muscle spasms in her back.

A soft, pained moan escaped and Bucky was awake, mumbling "hhmmm, wus up?" He cleared his throat "Y/N? Are you ok?"

Radar tried to nod but the movement made things worse "ugh, sure. Just slept wrong. Need to stretch."

Bucky rubbed her arm "Ok. Let me help. We'll go slow." He moved carefully to untangle them without hurting her too much.

Once he was done she stood and stretched out as he dozed off again. She stared at him for a moment and smiled softly, feeling hopeful for the first time in years, before heading to her room for a shower and to get her day started.

Once she was clean and dressed, Radar was checking her emails and schedule for the day when there was a knock at her door. It was an agent that she didn't recognize.

"Can I help you?"

The agent smiled "I'm Megan, work in the dispensary. Dr Raynor was concerned after your session yesterday and wanted me to give you something to help you relax. She called it in last nite but we were all gone for the day."

Radar looked confused "I thought the dispensary was always manned, in case of emergency."

A quick look of fear flashed in Megan's eyes and she giggled nervously "Uh well yeah usually but the tech that was scheduled was sick and I was gone so they couldn't get anyone. Luckily we didn't have any emergencies."

She quickly changed the subject and held out a prescription bottle "Anyways, this should help the anxiety. Directions are on the bottle."

Radar looked at the bottle warily "No thanks, I don't need to be drugged up when I'm working."

Megan shook the bottle "Well, save it for at night. To help you sleep."

Radar shook her head "Thanks but no. Tell Raynor I'm good."

Megan quickly looked around the hall and sighed before pushing her way into Radar's room and closing the door behind her. "Jesus you're difficult, I see why Walker liked to drug you, I think I'm going to enjoy it myself."

Radar tried to push Megan away but her sore back restricted her movement and she felt a pinch in her neck before everything went black.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bucky was startled awake by someone working in the kitchen. He sat up, looked around, saw Sam starting on breakfast and groaned.

Sam chuckled "You alright over there, Sleeping Beauty?"

Bucky shook his head to clear it and mumbled "Yeah, I'm-"

He stopped mid thought and looked around "Have you seen Radar? We both fell asleep on the couch."

Sam shook his head "I've been up almost an hour, haven't seen anyone but you."

Bucky heard talking down the hall before Nat and Wanda came into the kitchen to offer Sam some help. They all worked on breakfast while Bucky stared before asking "Have you guys seen Radar?"

Nat shook her head "Not today. You kids have another blow up?"

He shook his head "No, actually we talked and fell asleep in here. I remember her getting up but fell back asleep hoping she'd come back. I thought we made some progress." He sighed sadly "Guess I was wrong."

Sam tsk'ed at him "Don't go negative right away. Maybe she had some work to do. Sometimes Fury likes to throw small assignments at the Angels, you know that. She might have had an email or something. Don't jump to any conclusions" he pointed at Bucky "You should know better."

Bucky took a deep breath "Right, don't assume. I'm going to see if I can find her." He stood up and stalked out of the room.

Wanda, Nat and Sam looked at each other and Wanda shrugged "Maybe they actually started on their way back to each other?"

Sam smirked and Nat smiled softly "We can only hope."

Bucky checked the Situation Room and Radar's office with no luck and could feel himself starting to panic so was practically running to get to her room. When he arrived he noticed her door wasn't fully closed which grew the knot in his stomach.

He swore softly as he carefully entered her room. "Radar? Doll are you in here?"

The lack of any response pushed him towards a panic attack before he realized he wasn't using one of the best assets in the compound "Friday? Can you tell me where Radar is?"

"I'd be happy to help, Sargent Barnes, but Lieutenant Radar is not in the compound."

Bucky felt his heart drop "Not here? Did she have work to do offsite? When did she leave?"

"I'm not aware of any assignments she has been given that would require her to leave the premises. She left at 5:48 this morning with one of the dispensary technicians."

Bucky started pacing the room, trying to think. "Why would she do that? Did she leave any kind of note? Maybe something in her logs about it?"

"There isn't anything in her log but she left a message for you. Would you like to see it?"

Bucky grumbled "You could have started with that. Yes, please I'd like to see it."

Friday posted a text message on his phone:

Bucky, I'm so sorry but I can't do this. It's all too much so I'm going back to my work in Madripoor. I wish you all the best but please don't come looking for me. Love, Radar.

Bucky growled "No, she wouldn't just run away like that. Does Fury know? She couldn't just reassign herself. She wouldn't."

Friday sounded sympathetic "I'm sorry, I can't find anything in my system but Fury doesn't always log everything he's doing so you should speak with him."

Bucky turned and left the room "Fine. I'll fucking talk to Fury."

When he arrived at Fury's office, the man himself was just arriving with Maria Hill, discussing something that was probably above his pay grade. "Fury!"

Nick looked up "Yes, Sargent Barnes?"

"Radar left the compound early this morning and I need to know if you sent her somewhere or have any clue where she is."

A rare look of surprise crossed Fury's face before quickly disappearing for his typical scowl. "What do you mean she's offsite? I haven't approved anything. We have something big coming and will need her soon. There's a meeting this afternoon."

Bucky scoffed "Reschedule it. I'm not doing a damn thing until we find her."

Nick glared at him "You don't decide what we are or aren't doing Sargent." Then he sighed "But her assistance will be vital so I'll put it on hold for a minute but regardless, it's coming."

He turned to Maria "Call the team and their support staff to an emergency meeting in one hour. We need to get to the bottom of this."

An hour later the team was all sitting around a conference table. Tony half asleep but chugging coffee like his life depended on it, Steve and Sam fresh and showered after their morning run, Nat Wanda and Clint quietly trying to figure out what was going on. Assistants and other support staff at the furthest end of the table, quietly waiting. Bucky sat still and tense, waiting to get started.

Nick Fury strode in with Maria Hill in his wake "All right, everyone's here, let's get this started"

Tony interrupted "Radar isn't here, someone should find her."

Fury nodded "You hit the nail on the head, Stark. Radar isn't here or anywhere else on the compound. We have something big coming up and will need all hands so have to find her asap."

Maria Hill spoke up "All we have is the time she left and with whom. Plus a note she left for Sargent Barnes saying that she couldn't deal with everything and was returning to Madripoor."

She pulled up the image from her laptop, a fuzzy picture of Radar and Megan talking in the hallway outside of her room, then Megan's ID picture "Radar was seen with Megan Alexander, a dispensary tech who has worked for SHIELD for 5 years. Came to the compound shortly after it was converted."

Maria looked at the floor "A background check was done by someone I thought I could trust but was apparently a double agent. When I did some digging I found that her real name is Emily Megan Pierce. I think Radar is in real trouble."

@unaxv @calwitch @buckitostan @cjand10 . @vicmc624 @sandrab02

Chapter 11

[gloomysoup]

when the world stops turning (my heart stops beating) - pt. 2

so i decided not to be TOO mean and keep writing this... there will be at least one more part, maybe more, i haven't decided yet. honestly i'm just playing it by ear and seeing how far my brain chooses to take it. so here we go!!

ao3 pt. 1 pt. 2 pt. 3 pt. 4

cw: drugs, drug abuse, illusions to overdose, minor character death, dissociation, hospitals, illusions to child neglect (i think that's it but please let me know if i missed anything)

Eddie hated hospitals.

He sat in the waiting room with his bandmates and their tour manager, thinking about the first time he ever had to go to the hospital.

He was seven years old. His mom had been self-medicating really badly again, floating through their house like a ghost. Pale and lifeless in a way she often was those days. His dad was always out of the house, claiming he was working. Eddie had always been suspicious of that, never sure exactly what kind of work he was doing. His dad never said what his job was, but Eddie knew he had a long history with criminal activity. Wayne had taken him out to the park that day for a couple hours in an effort to get him out of the house.

The nearby park had this line of trees by the pond, set off several feet from the playground itself. Eddie liked to climb those trees when he was a kid. He liked the way the bark felt, digging sharply into his palms. He liked feeling the wind blow, the leaves brushing against his face. It made him feel free. The scary parts of the world couldn't reach him in the treetops. Earthly fears stayed near the ground, tethered to the dirt while he put as much distance between them as he could. Wayne had warned Eddie not to climb too high. Eddie should've listened.

He climbed a few branches up on the tallest tree. His favorite tree to climb. He sat on one of the thicker branches, back against the trunk. He watched the leaves waving in the wind above him. His brain still itched with ground thoughts, so he climbed higher. He kept going until he wasn't worried about his mom anymore. He kept going until his head was blissfully empty of those stupid anxieties. He was finally free.

And then he was falling.

Eddie doesn't remember much of what happened. Wayne says a branch broke unexpectedly, giving way beneath his weight with a loud snap. He hit the ground and passed out. Wayne took him to the hospital, where the doctors said he was lucky. A fall like that and all he had was a broken arm. They put his left arm in a cast and kept him for a few hours of observation, just to be safe. They were worried about a brain injury, or internal bleeding. Wayne called his mom, to let her know what happened, but Eddie always assumed she was too drugged out to understand. She never showed up. Wayne stayed with him the whole time, trying to keep him entertained and distracted. The doctor had given Eddie something to help with the pain, but it didn't help with his dislike of hospitals. He hated sitting in a sterile, white hospital room. His nose burned with the smell of bleach and lemon-scented floor cleaner. He didn't know why they used that stuff. It was overwhelming. He couldn't escape the ground thoughts if he was tethered to the ground.

Once he was finally released, Wayne took him to the pharmacy to pick up his new prescription. Pain meds; take one as needed while the break heals— those mysteriously went missing only three days later, and Eddie suffered in silence from then on. Then Wayne took him home, where his mom was asleep on the couch and his dad was fuming. Eddie vaguely remembers laying in his bed while Wayne and his dad argued in the living room. He isn't sure what they argued about; Wayne never told him and always changed the subject if Eddie asked. He assumed it was about the hospital. Hospital bills aren't cheap.

He wasn't allowed to visit his mom when she was in the hospital. Wayne said she needed space to get better. He knows Wayne just didn't want him around all of that. The hospital always kept him from his mom in one way or another. And then there was the spring of ‘86. It only further solidified his hatred of hospitals. Confined to the lumpy, scratchy hospital bed for weeks. Beeping machines and lemon-scented floor cleaner. Sticky patches and wires that always tangled. Itchy IVs and sharp needles and drugs that made him float just on the edge of too far. He didn't like those. Reminded him too much of his mom.

And now here he was, sitting in the dull waiting room of a hospital in New York. He felt numb. Tears still rolled silently down his cheeks, though he wasn't sure how he had any left. He was completely unaware of the passage of time. It could've been minutes or days, and he wouldn't have noticed. He couldn't stop thinking about his mom. He hadn't thought about her this much in years.

“Eddie?” He looked up at Gareth, but he was barely seeing him. “I'm going to go call Wayne, let him know what's happening. Do you want to come talk to him?”

Eddie blinked slowly a few times, his eyes still glassy. He didn't answer. All he did was stare, unseeing and silent. Gareth sighed, shooting Jeff and Grant a look.

Jeff frowned, also standing. “I should call Robin. She should know too.”

“Go,” Grant said, nodding toward the phones. “I’ll keep an eye on him.”

Their tour manager was talking to a nurse a few feet away. Eddie couldn't hear what they were saying. He didn't know how this could've happened. He didn't understand how he missed this.

His thoughts wandered back to the day Wayne found out he was selling.

Eddie sat on the front step, watching Wayne and Hopper talking in the yard. Wayne was frowning, nodding along to whatever Hopper said. Eddie knew he was mad. Why wouldn't he be? Eddie was illegally selling drugs, and just got caught by the chief for it. Luckily, Hopper was in a good enough mood just to give him a warning and a ride home. Made him promise he wasn't going to do it anymore. They both knew that was a lie.

When Hopper got back in his cruiser and drove away, Eddie watched Wayne take a breath before he turned around. Eddie shrank back at the look his uncle gave him.

“Wayne, I-”

“Hush up.” Eddie shut up instantly. “You're gonna listen close, understood?” Eddie nodded. “Jim was kind enough to let you off this time, but he won't be next time. There better not be a next time.”

“But, Wayne, I-”

“No buts.” Wayne gave him another look. Eddie knew he was disappointed. He hated disappointing Wayne. Hated it even more than he hated making Wayne mad. His uncle had always done so much for him. The least he could've done was not cause trouble. “Drugs are a dangerous thing, Ed. I know you know that.”

He did know, is the thing. He knew better than most people just how dangerous drugs were. Drugs tore his family apart. Drugs killed his mother. Drugs were the main reason Eddie lived with Wayne at all.

Eddie looked down at his hands, fiddling with one of his rings. He didn't have all that many yet. “I just wanted to help with the bills,” he said softly.

Wayne sighed and sat next to him on the rickety steps. Eddie slid over to make room. “You ain't gotta worry ‘bout no damn bills, Ed. That's for me to take care of. You just gotta be a kid.”

Eddie frowned. “I just thought that, maybe, if I could help, you wouldn't have to work so hard. I know taking care of me is a lot of extra money.” He paused. “I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment.”

Burden. That's what he wants to say. Disappointment is what comes out. Maybe that's for the better.

“You're not a disappointment, Ed. I just don't want you endin' up like your mama, that's all. And while I do appreciate you wantin’ to help, I don't need ya to. I'm perfectly capable of takin’ care of us. You're fifteen, Ed. Be a kid, for Christ’s sake. Don't worry ‘bout anythin’ else yet.”

From that day on, Eddie stayed away from anything harder than weed or the occasional shrooms. He made a promise to himself that he'd stay away from it. For Wayne. For his mom. Wayne knew he kept selling, but they didn't talk about it. The K he intended on selling Chrissy that fateful night was a fluke. A one-off. It was something extra Rick had given him before he got locked away. Eddie hadn't even intended on selling it at all; he was just going to keep it hidden away until Rick got out, and then he'd give it back.

After Chrissy, Eddie didn't touch anything for a long time. When the band got themselves a record deal, when they started going out to parties to network with more of the industry, Eddie started smoking weed again. He never touched anything more than that. He knew better. He worried about his bandmates falling to the same vices that killed his mom, even though they also stayed away from it. Her ghost still haunted him. It kept him hypervigilant. He was always watching for addictive behaviors.

So how did he not see it?

How long had Steve been falling down that path without Eddie even knowing?

He should've known.

Eddie blinked, and Gareth was standing in front of him with a bottle of water. When had he come back?

“Eddie, you gotta drink something,” Gareth said gently, holding the open bottle toward him. Eddie pulled his knees tightly to his chest and shook his head. Gareth sighed and sat next to him in the uncomfortable hospital chairs.

That was another thing Eddie hated about hospitals. Everything was uncomfortable. The chairs, the beds, the wires and tubes. IVs itched and the gowns crinkled weirdly. It was a sensory hellscape, truthfully. How did anyone handle it?

“Eddie.” He blinked again, looking beside him. Gareth was still holding the bottle toward him. “Come on, man. At least a little bit. We're worried about you.”

Eddie took the bottle, but his hands were shaking so much he could barely keep a grasp on it. He forced it toward his mouth, his throat burning as the cool water slipped past his lips. He gave it back to Gareth. He looked like he wanted Eddie to drink more, but took the bottle anyway.

“Are you…” Gareth started, but his sentence fell off as he seemed to search for the correct word. “Obviously not okay. That'd be stupid. Of course you aren't okay. I don't know what I was even thinking.” He looked over at Eddie, his rambling cut off.

Gareth always rambled when he was anxious. Worried. It didn't happen all that often. Gareth was pretty laid back, never worked up about much. The exact opposite of Steve. Steve worried about everything. Steve rambled a lot, like Robin. God, Robin. Eddie should talk to her. They hadn't had time lately to call. She was probably worried. Eddie could easily bet she'd been rambling a lot lately. Then again, Robin always rambled. She wasn't like Gareth, who only rambled when he was worried about something or someone. Speaking of Gareth, he was sitting there staring at Eddie with that worried little pinch in his brows. Eddie should answer. He should, but he can't. His tongue feels like lead in his mouth. It won't form shapes or push air through his lips. It won't do anything it's supposed to do. It just sits there, heavy, making it impossible for Eddie to say something, anything.

“Eddie?” Gareth waved a hand in front of him. Eddie blinked. “Did you hear anything I just said?”

Eddie thought hard. Gareth’s mouth had definitely been moving just a few moments before, but anything after the ramble was lost on him. He had no clue what he had said. He shook his head. Gareth sighed.

“I talked to Wayne.”

Oh. Wayne.

God, Eddie didn't know how to feel about that. On the one hand, he needed Wayne. The man was a solid figure in the storm of Eddie’s life. He had always been there. He never walked away like Eddie’s dad. Eddie wanted little more than to curl up on the lumpy couch with Wayne like he had after his mom died. On the other hand, Eddie didn't want Wayne to know about any of this. He didn't want Wayne to have to live through this again. He didn't want Wayne to feel like he had to deal with Eddie again.

“He said he’ll try to catch the next flight out.”

Eddie’s head snapped up, eyes wide. He quickly shook his head back and forth, so hard that his neck popped and his hair flung across his face. Wayne couldn't come. He shouldn't have to. He would have to call out of work. Wayne never calls out of work. Eddie didn't want to be the reason he started. He opened his mouth to protest, but nothing came out. He couldn't force his tongue to move. His lips failed to form the letters and syllables required to speak.

It was then that their tour manager approached, looking somber. Like he had bad news. Eddie wanted to be anywhere else. He wanted to go back; back to when things were simple and Steve wasn't dying. He wanted to go back to being a kid and stop his mom. He just wanted this to stop.

“Eddie, he's alive.”

Eddie hated that instead of being relieved, his heart crumbled.

Steve was alive, but at what cost?

--------------------------------------------------

tag list: @acowardinmordor @mugloversonly @djohawke @hallucinatedjosten @geekyfifi @current-steddie-brainrot

i tagged people who either asked to be tagged or showed interest in wanting more but lemme know if you wanna be added! like i said, there will be at least one more part, but probably more than that tbh

hope you've enjoyed !!

[weebsinstash]

I'm actually so relieved I brought Allister in because one of my biggest fears was that he wasn't eating enough, because he would be slowly picking at his breakfasts and dinners and the portions, visually, seem small, and the vet let me know he actually gained a little bit of weight since his last appointment and that he looks and acts super healthy 😭❤️ I was so worried he wasn't getting enough food in his body but I need to keep reminding myself the portions of food he's getting now may not look like much but he's getting a lot more calories than he was getting before with the wet food, so even if he isn't licking his plate clean, he's technically still eating more than he used to eating his previous meals in entirety

It sounds like basically what the vet strongly believes this is is, he's just still adjusting to his new diet, because if you guys remember, he was eating wet food before, and uh, kind of portions that I found out were too small, like a 'he was potentially not getting enough daily calories' kind of mistake, so he's had this gradual dietary change of me increasing his portions over time, and on top of that, all the added fiber was occasionally giving him gas, but I can tell he's adjusting to it and it's a lot better now (he let loose some NASTY ass last night while he was in my lap but at least I'm not jolting awake in the middle of the night worried he's had an accident anymore)

I'm super happy because it kind of feels like. This is finally confirmation he's out of the red and he's going to be doing good from now on. I just have to make sure he doesn't gain too much weight and they told me a way to weigh him could be weighing myself and then weighing myself holding him, which I feel stupid for not thinking of before but I didn't realize that would work 😅 they said it sounds super good that he's having regular poops just with his cisapride and that it was totally OK and even recommended that I wasn't giving him stool softeners or laxatives anymore because that was just more stuff that could make him queasy, so I'm also glad I called that right

This vet in particular also said, sometimes certain animals are just social eaters and est better with company and I definitely see this in Allister (I think it's a combo of anxiety and being bullied by other cats in the past) and she says since he's in a single kitty home there's no need to worry about "letting him graze" and leaving his food down all day if he doesn't want to eat the entire portion right away and that some cats are kind of just "snackers" and that's perfectly ok

Oh and also oh my gosh, I could cry, so, there are multiple vets at this clinic, right, and the one I'm seeing today is one I haven't seen before, but. She's the first one to tell me she actually disagrees with the idea that, if Allister were to need another cystotomy, another bladder stone removal, that she disagrees that he would be too old to have any more. I know medicine can be subjective but I'm really happy to hear her say it actually wouldn't be entirely impossible for him to have that surgery again in an emergency, more so that the risk increases over time. It just really takes a lot of stress off my mind because these damn oxalate stones are like, the boogeyman waiting to pop back up again, you know? The type he has can't be dissolved once they're around but they're easier to prevent, so.... it's just. . I finally have him in this environment where i can get him the exact care he needs and I'm happy to know that he won't be taken away from me due to how my mom was feeding him before. I can finally, fully protect and care for my baby exactly how he needs and how i want to

They also gave me some tips on how I can give Allister this one powdered supplement he takes for his stones that I haven't been able to give him with his dry food. They say as long as he's eating his prescription diet 99% of the time, giving him snacks or other things that are outside of those dietary requirements should be fine, so there are things I can give him to put these powdered vitamins in like the squeezy tubes or pill pockets for cats, so im also really glad to have that questioned answered

Sigh! In a happy way, with relief. Having him seen today took longer than it was supposed to because they were so busy they couldn't see me until an hour after I was scheduled but the overall cost isn't anything at all and it brought me such peace of mind. I'm so relieved. I'm gonna go home and have a nice drink and maybe play some video games or something with my little baby boy in my lap ❤️

[ghostlycorvid]

2023 Introspective

This year started with cutting off a toxic person who had already shut me out of mutual friend spaces but kept stringing me along with "maybe in a few more months I'll let you back in". 2022 was rough on its own, especially pre-antidepressants, but a huge part of it was stuff involving this person. Blocking them and finally accepting that it was not worth trying to repair what little relationship was left was the most freeing thing I've ever done and helped me to continue that with any other rude unpleasant individual I've had to share spaces with. It's been genuinely wonderful to realize I don't have to sit there and listen to bad takes or people who are needlessly mean, so I'm glad something came out of that friendship nightmare scenario.

It still took a lot of time to not sit there in anger and frustration spirals over the way things ended up, but in February I got permission from my bosses to bring my dog Chili to work with me due to needing to keep him and our other dog from playing while she was recovering from her spay. I ended up realizing that even though Chili is a huge anxiety baby, having him with me legitimately was helping distract me from negative thoughts spirals and gave me something positive to focus on when I was getting frustrated by work-related stuff in the moment. He ended up helping a couple coworkers come down from panic attacks later in the year too. My boss likes how "calm" he is enough that he gave me permission to bring Chili to work all the time (within reason), so he's come with me on most non-event days. His progress has been slow, but he's also been improving from the regular socialization!

I finally started to really focus on my own art and developing my own products and designs, both for my personal shop and for the shop at work. I've come out the other side of this year with 9 new enamel pin designs between the two! (A couple I haven't shared yet! ;D)

I was finally given an Adderall prescription which magically solved my problem where I couldn't stay awake during the day no matter how much sleep I'd gotten! And also it started helping me focus a little better too, but genuinely the non-sleepy thing was the most lifechanging part of the medication for me. The pit in my stomach when I was told that person felt like I was stalking and surveilling them if I was quiet in a call or stream despite years of me communicating that I was constantly struggling to even stay conscious was... HOO BOY. After years of fighting for my life to stay awake in college and sometimes even while DRIVING TO AND FROM WORK,,,,,,,, I really thought something was seriously wrong with me (besides the ADHD since I didn't realize it was a symptom of that)

With toxic people removed from my social spaces and general perception, I've finally started to join group calls with my friends again without anxiety or fear of not being welcome. It's helped me start to get back into playing games again, and I've been able to get into a few that either have built in accessibility features to avoid hand strain, or I've been able to modify my hardware setup to help with issues I was running into before. I've finally managed to pick up Warframe again, and I'm bouncing between that and Path of Titans without being hopelessly deep in a hyperfocus.

I officially got promoted at my job to Retail & Visitor Services manager (and got a $3 raise in Nov!!). While I'm struggling with finding help to ease my increased workload, I'm definitely way better off than before we hired on extra staff. It's given me a lot of networking opportunities (and excuses to go on field trips on the clock for ~*networking*~) and I've been juuuust starting to poke my head into local groups. One is a monthly artists crafting meetup right by work that starts right when I clock out! :D

I had the energy and free time to start branching out and trying other arts and crafts hobbies that had been interesting me! Ended up getting a serger machine to help really tidy up clothes that I make! I got into linocut & block printing, and have been having a lot of fun working on designs for that kind of printing. I even made a few printed shirts! And of course there was Andromeda, the first puppet I've ever made, and pretty much my proudest achievement in all my years of art so far.

I've honestly been spending less time on social media proper, usually forgetting to check tumblr for days or weeks at a time. Which has been good and bad, but overall better for me to stop feeling like I HAVE to fully backlog everything ever.

I got my first tattoo this year after wanting one for years and years! And that opened up a whole new can of worms and now I'm ending the year with 5 tattoos and 2 more scheduled in the next couple months oops! My first tattoo was Joltik, with my first ever pet spide!

I started keeping spiders this year after years of being too concerned about keeping pets that required live feeding! That also was a slippery slope. I picked up Indrid my red-backed jumper and Autumn my pumpkin patch t at the end of January, and now I have them, a regal jumper, a red-knee t, and a togo starburst t. You'd never guess that less than a decade ago I was scared shitless of all spiders. :> Especially now that I will occasionally free-handle wild spiders that need relocation to someplace safer. (Mostly still just jumpers tho)

Things aren't perfect by any means and I still have a lot of areas I want to personally improve myself in, but I feel like overall this has been a really really good year for me and I want to keep that momentum going into 2024! More art! More projects just for me! More time with friends! More enjoying games! More tidying my space literally and metaphorically!

[fawnshy]

(tw for needle / blood draw talk) I recovered from a needle phobia and I can confirm the numbing stuff helps a lot! There's additional things you can do that can help you feel in control, like bringing the numbing cream yourself, bringing a friend if they allow you to, practicing being assertive with your comfort levels to whoever is your nurse, theres also things like the "Buzzy" which combines ice and vibration to confuse your nerves from being able to feel it. Something I had to do was be prescribed Xanax to keep my anxiety down and ymmv because control is an aspect for you, but it was for me too and it helped me a lot. Good luck! You're gonna do great! Hugs

It makes me so happy to hear that you've recovered from your phobia! That's huge! Good for you!!

I'll definitely pick up some numbing cream before the appointment! I plan on dragging my sister along for moral support, too >:) Having her there will no doubt help me be more assertive with my boundaries!

I haven't heard of Buzzy though - I'll have to look into that! At this point, just about anything will help.

If my phobia gets the best of me and I have to give it another shot (haha), I'll definitely ask my doctor about Xanax or something. That was my first thought, but I'm wary about asking outright when my end goal is a prescription for Adderall, and I know doctors are extra paranoid about drug abuse. I've been on Adderall for years, but hey, you know how it is :(

Thanks so much for the encouragement and great advice! I really appreciate it!!

[jodilin65]

Just an initial update that I started yesterday but was too out of it to share. There’s more to come but I may not get to it today.

It's been a scary and frustrating last couple of days. I was short of breath and feeling horrible because every time I fell asleep, I would wake up suffocating. Realizing that it had nothing to do with a lack of fluids or carbs, I started to suspect I had COVID. Then we both came to suspect, especially after learning that my nasal spray was a steroid and not a blocker like what I used to take, that the stupid pulmonologist was wrong to increase my dose. It only made my nose stuffier. AI said it could make my lungs tight as well, but since it wouldn't quit and it was so bad it kept me up, we went to the Minute Clinic. They were really worried about my blood pressure at first because the top number hit 184. Then it was 178 and eventually 153.

The only funny part was that the nurse shared the same name as a rather infamous woman whose name I won’t mention. “Yep,” she said dubiously when I said the name, no doubt wishing her mother had picked any other name for her. The poor girl probably gets comments all the time.

They tested me for COVID, and I was negative. They also said my lungs and nose looked fine, although they didn’t have the tools to look far up in my nose at my septum. I haven't had any lung congestion or cough, and the stuffiness in my nose was dry. The nurse recommended Claritin and wrote out a prescription for methylprednisolone to be taken for six days.

On the way out of CVS, we decided to grab a candy bar and soda with caffeine. It was my first candy bar in months, but I didn’t care. I needed the caffeine to keep going because we had to stop and charge the car for half an hour since the traffic was so bad it drained the battery more than we expected. We couldn’t go to the closer Minute Clinic because they didn’t have an appointment available until late in the afternoon, so we had to go all the way to Tarpon Springs and had been up for a long time.

We got home, and I took Claritin, but my lungs were still tight, and I had other symptoms as well. I lost another pound and am now down to 155, been poopy, and feeling very wound up. That’s when it hit me that I had two problems. Yes, the Nasacort was wrong for me, but when I put my symptoms together, I realized my TSH had gotten too low. The only unusual thing was that my heart wasn’t racing like crazy. But I was warm, definitely having sleep issues, lung tightness, and anxiety. I had also been snacking on peanuts and thought my weight would jump back up, but it went down instead. Trust me, I never lose weight on peanuts and candy bars.

The night before last, I only slept 5 hours and 5 minutes after being up for around 20 hours. I had the same problem last night where as soon as I’d fall asleep, I’d either suffocate or snore myself awake. After being up around 20 hours again, I put the mouth guard in, grateful that I hadn’t ditched it, and it helped keep me from snoring and made it easier to breathe. So it wasn’t $60 wasted after all. This time, I managed to sleep 5 hours and 48 minutes, and I even napped for about an hour later on.

I’m still afraid to go to bed because I fear the same thing will happen. I’m scared I’ll be up forever, and that it’s going to take me a few attempts of falling asleep and waking right back up to finally fall asleep and stay asleep. The guard is ready to be thrown back in my mouth if worse comes to worst. I’m also sleeping with a nose strip. I started to fear this climate was backfiring on me and flaring up my asthma and allergies and that we’d have to leave. It’s definitely not helping my allergies, but I’m now 99% sure the lung tightness was from the medication I’m stuck with for life. I skipped today’s dose and will probably skip tomorrow as well until the anxiety backs off some more.

I think I’m feeling a little better now, but that’s what I thought at the end of yesterday and the day before, so I’m not assuming I’m out of the woods yet. It takes several days to feel better after an overload of levothyroxine, and well, nothing’s ever brief for me.

I messaged Rhonda, and it was frustrating because, unlike Galileo, I’m limited in how many characters I can send in a message, so I had to break it up into six messages. I updated her on everything, from the pulmonologist to the ENT to my latest crisis.

This is the second crazy crisis this year. I just can’t get a break, and sometimes I really wish I could just kill myself. After a decade of suffering so much, I really believe I’m doomed to suffer for the rest of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever get a break where I don’t have any problems, feel well, and sleep well for any extended time. Hell, I can’t even go a fucking week!

I feel trapped because I can’t end it because of him. I would have ended my misery years ago if it weren’t for him. Not until he goes can I do that. So nearly two more decades of suffering.

I also asked Rhonda about the CPAP or a mouthguard. I looked it up and found that primary care providers can write prescriptions for CPAPs. Maybe a mouthguard is my best bet after all. I would need a referral for that. Hopefully, it wouldn’t take six months to get an appointment, and hopefully, they wouldn’t cancel on me.

The only thing I hate about not having Galileo is the waiting time to hear back from Rhonda. I just want to know what to do from here. Obviously, my dose has to be scaled back, but the question is how much? Should I do a mixed dose, skip when I don’t feel good, or go back to all 75s? There is such a fine line between helpful and hurtful with this fucking poison! I’m guessing Rhonda will want me to go to the lab or come in and see her. The problem is that the labs will be deceptive because I have to skip ASAP. As I’ve learned the hard way, if I don’t jump on scaling back right away, the problem only gets worse. The skip will reflect in my TSH right away, even though I won’t feel the effects for a while. So now I’m not sure if I ever really lost weight due to cutting sugar. I might have lost a few pounds, but after that, I think the medication ramped up, and losing the 10 pounds fueled the medication’s effects.

I felt so bad for Tom because he was up forever as well because I felt so shitty, but I’m forever grateful to him, of course. The poor guy kept waking up with leg cramps, so he had to get up to drink fluids each time.

There’s more to update on, but I’m running out of energy, so I’ll have to do it tomorrow. Hopefully, I can make it to 7 hours of sleep before being up for 20!

[polite-pandemonium]

Thoughts from an exhausted 30-something

I have been at my job nearly two years and still, sometimes I look around and see someone walk by and just think to myself, wow, I have never seen you before in my life. This honestly happens a lot more than I would like.

I need to go to the pharmacy before it closes and pick up my prescriptions, but I just need like, five minutes to think about what a bad mood I am in and wait to see if I am going to get indigestion from basically INHALING my dinner.

I also inhaled a bunch of Skittles as soon as I got in the door, what is wrong with me?

Speaking of what is wrong with me, spent a good fifteen minutes going back and forth from the kitchen to the mirror by my front door looking at my throat and thinking, "Is that part by my tonsils always red? Have I just never noticed before or am I getting sick?" like a fucking WEIRDO - my health anxiety is so much better than it was before but EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, I stare at my throat like a WEIRDO.

I ended up saying to my reflection, "ARE YOU OKAY?"

I am SO SICK AND TIRED of the amount of admin life requires. Like I don't want to go to the pharmacy? I don't want to put my dinner away and pack my lunch for tomorrow and run the dish washer and fold laundry. I WANT TO REST.

I read a post on Reddit recently where the poster was lamenting the amount of life admin tasks that make her too exhausted for hobbies and I just...felt that so deeply. I haven't completed any writing in almost four years and I think while a huge part of it is work, the other part is life admin. I just spend so much time cooking and cleaning and feeding myself and book appointments and steaming my clothes and figuring out what to wear to work and putting on make up and washing and drying my hair that I just feel depleted.

But also, I was reading something a bit of writing i was working on yesterday and I just hate it! I think it's so bad! Maybe my best writing days are just behind me! Maybe I just don't got it! Maybe it's not work or life admin, but my talent! Maybe I'm the problem!

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me.

Taylor Swift has released two new albums (evermore, Midnights) and will probably release a new one (TTPD) before I get around to updating my fic.

Taylor Swift is a year older than me (because she is born so late in 1989 and I was born so early in 1991) and I sometimes feel incredibly close in age to her and also incredibly far away.

Recently, for the first time in years, I just feel incredibly behind my peers. It's a wild feeling but I am accepting that I am kind of stagnating in my career and I'm kind of in a place where I can't do anything about it. I feel like I maybe wrote about this, but I don't think I am worthy of a promotion, but I want one and I want more money. And since I have such great insurance and medication that costs $3,000 a month, I can't really just comfortably move.

God, I regret spending FIVE FUCKING YEARS at a company that bled me dry and wouldn't promote me when I didn't need insurance and wasn't chronically ill.

I guess you can't know you are making mistakes until after you have made them, though.

I also never really care about being single, but I'm so tired lately, that all I want is a partner who can clean the kitchen and make dinner and pick up my prescriptions sometimes. If I didn't have to make dinner or clean up tonight, I could have done so much more! I could even go pick up my prescriptions and still have spare time.

But no, instead I have a messy kitchen and pasta sauce on my shirt.

Oh, to be 33 and hopelessly tired.

Oh, to be 33 and hopelessly alone.

I, for the most part, like being alone. I'm good at alone! I love living alone. I don't really feel like I *need* something or someone to feel less alone. It's just being alone just means that you only have yourself to depend on for everything and it's just a lot.

I am feeling TIRED IN MY BONES.

OK, my time is up, I really gotta go get my prescriptions now.

Which means I have to put on real pants and bundle up and get my travel cooler and ice packs from the freezer to transport one prescription.

Which feels like too much work.

Ugh.

Wait, also, I was in the elevator alone with our CEO today and he brought up my recent trip to Asia and then he mentioned that someone on accounts is going to Tokyo next week and I just felt SILLY saying, "Oh, I am headed back to Tokyo next week, too!" so I just DIDN'T and now he's probably gonna find out I'm going back from my boss and be like, oh that's weird why didn't she say anything? I JUST FEEL A LITTLE SILLY SAYING I'M GOING BACK SO SOON TO MOST PEOPLE.

The more I think about this, he probably won't think that cause he probably WILL NOT REMEMBER we chatted given the conversation started with him saying, "Sorry, I can't remember, have you gone on your trip yet?" And I was like, oh yes, I went in November.

I don't mean this as a slight to him, I just mean he's a busy man and has a lot to think about other than conversations in passing and all of the vacation dates of the many staff.

Also all to say, he's not thinking about me, I'm just placing too much importance on this conversation.

[chaoticskyy]

The one you mentioned in the notes of your fic? I guess that's about you? Im kinda interested in the other one now too

OH! Okie yeah your right it's about me.

SO. You're gonna need some context about who I am, where I come from, and what that means.

I'm an afro-indigenous person from Guatemala dad's side is the mixed black side, and mom's side is the primarily indigenous side. The region we're from is best described as Texas but worse. I carry a machete in my truck just in case, and every male elder I know wears a cowboy hat.

The mestizaje of the region is pretty through, most people are mixed indigenous with white, and of course, it's Guatemala. Half of us are "wholly" indigenous. I stick out like a sore thumb, not because I'm dark skinned. Black Guatemalans exist but mainly farther north, in Izabal and port regions. I'm fairly light skinned, but I have really curly hair, I'm tall for the region and not to being vain, but I'm really pretty.

Once I hit puberty, I haven't really been allowed to wander around on my own for safety reasons. You see, we live in a region where the organized crime that reigns isn't gangs, it's narcotics trafficking cartels. They usually leave you alone, unless you approach them for whatever reason. Like you want money and are willing to launder for them and things like that.

Narcos have this nasty habit of picking out women they deem attractive and sponsoring them, essentially being their sugar daddies but like Worse. Usually, the sugar baby can get put of the relationship scot-free, but in this case, women are known to be killed.

The fear has always been I catch the eye of one of them, and I have to flee the country for a long while. Or until they relocate. It's a fairly warranted fear, I've been approached by Narcos for dances, drinks, etc. I have been followed even while I've been in a large family group by these men who all clearly have pistols and bodyguards and are driving bulletproof SUVs. I've been saved every time by my family stepping in before I knew something was wrong.

Now that you know all of this info, let's get to the night I nearly got kidnapped! To be extremely clear, I have no idea what their specific intentions were other than that they wanted to take us away from the place we were at.

My mom's Gabapentin prescription had run out during our last trip to Guatemala, so my mom, my aunt, and I decided to head into town from my grandma's village to buy the medicine. My sister and younger cousin begged us to go, but I put my foot down and told them to fuck off because every time they left the house they made us spend more money than planned and the medication was going to be expensive.

Gotta say thank God I was an asshole to them that day.

My mom has some serious brain fog when we got to the 24HR pharmacy, she had tried to hold out and suck up the pain but I backfired on her and she wasn't able to hold out as long as she wanted which meant it was 9pm by the time we had headed into town. So she shoves the money into my hands and tell us to go get it.

We walk up to the pharmacy and wait in line outside. The pharmacy itself had been closed leaving only a tiny window for money and drugs to be exchanged. There's only two people in front of us, and then two men get behind us.

Blue shirt has a pistol on each side and a wicked looking knife on his right. Yellow shirt keeps looking me up and down. He only had one pistol.

It's no biggie. My own mom has a revolver in the car herself. Guns are the norm around here. If you don't have one, you at least have a machete. I hadn't noticed then, but they had purposely placed their truck at an angle, preventing anyone from passing the tiny road.

Then they start talking. Mind you, there are no alarm bells in my mind right now. I'm actually incapable of feeling anxiety while on my medication, not to mention my risk assessment skills are lacking due to the Autism. Yellow shirt does most of the talking, trying to sus out who we are and what we're doing. I don't realize things are wrong until my aunt is shaking with the wallet in her hands when I hand her the money to pay.

To me, the entire conversation was reading unwanted male attention, but still being like the sort of pushy politeness common in Latin cultures. This plus the fact that men especially get whatever they want can make even everyday interactions feel like microaggressions.

They get closer, and I corner myself, hoping that if we look ugly enough, they'll leave us alone. My aunt is panicking and trying to throw them off our scent, and then Yellow locks onto me and says "Your not from around here.". A fact in his eyes. He's wrong, but not entirely, I'm not from town, and I don't live in Guatemala anymore.

I'm just interesting looking to most people.

My aunt interjects, because I'm kinda a bitch to men and at the time I wasn't aware but she was worried I'd get us shot or worse.

This is kinda when I start to realize something is Wrong. My mind starts racing and now I'm fully prepared to piss or shit myself to avoid being raped.

Then my mom comes in and saved the day.

Bless her.

She's this stout pretty looking woman, she's got this habit of being confrontational and kinda a bitch. She managed to save my grandma from getting murdered once, and the woman can take one look at you tell you how much you weigh and give you an estimate of how long it would take her to cut you up butcher style. It's her favorite party trick, and is honestly unnerving. She also has very low self esteem, and when her disabilities flare up even more so. Which makes her swooping in and saving us all the more impressive.

My mom maneuvers the car to get closer and asks us what's taking us so long. Just as it was time for our turn, I go into autopilot and start talking to a pharmacist I can't see. The lucky bastard is hidden behind a bullet proof wall. Just out luck, he has to search for an alternative medication.

Mother is trying to distract them, and figure put what's going to get them to stop bothering us. Blue shirt points out that the car she's driving, a Mercedes-Benz SUV is not a common site. European engines around here are not common, and a car is life and freedom. He starts asking about the car and who my mom is, and who we are. How much she'd sell the car for.

My aunt had purposely been avoiding sharing any identifiers, including my last name. While it does have sway, it's often not enough, and it can backfire since people believe my father's family has lots of money and is a proud bunch.

My mother, on the other hand, introduced herself with her household name. This made Yellow shirt pause, and Blue to stop leering at me. After some needling on both ends of the conversation, it turned out that Yellow shirt and I are distantly related.

This finally allowed me to slip past Blue shirt and into the car.

When we got to my grandma's, started properly freaking out. Turns out my mom was fully ready to give them the car in exchange for our lives.

My aunts husband was fully freaked out because apparently those men are like known criminals. Like deep into being Narcos lakeckeys. They aren't Narcos themselves, but they like orbit the same spaces. According to him.

Also NOTE DO NOT LET THIS DISCOURAGE YOU FROM TRAVELLING IN GAUTEMALA!

I DO NOT GO TO TOURIST ATTRACTIONS OFTEN, I EXIST IN PRIMAILY RURAL RESIDENTIAL AREAS OF A NON TOURIST DEPARTMENT. THE BIGGEST WORRY FOR TOURIST IN TOURIST AREAS ARE PICK POCKETS AND FOOD POSIONING!

BE SAFE!

[fission-mailure]

Been without one of my medications for several days because of a stupid mistake on my part (I asked for the wrong medication when I went to order a repeat prescription, so I ended up with plenty of that one but none of the one I really needed), and oh boy did the effects of not having it kick in tonight with my anxiety massively ramping up.

Luckily, I fixed the mistake and picked up the meds today -- the only reason I hadn't taken it yet until just now is because it knocks me out for a long, long time if I haven't taken it in a few days -- so my mood should even out fairly fast, hopefully.

[doggirlnarcolepsy]

28/8 Update:

We had to put off paying rent last month to cover all the expenses related to my wife's hospitalization. We can afford to pay the two months rent, but that would leave us with no money for groceries, medicine, or necessities for the rest of the month.

I don't know how we'll make it through next month. Our fridge and freezer are nearly empty, and we haven't been eating much lately because we haven't had money for groceries. We haven't been able to pick up our hormones or other prescription medicine for over three months, and it's starting to have noticeable effects on both of us.

Please, we really want to be able to start putting all this stress and anxiety from the last few weeks behind us. If anyone is in the position to help we wouldn't be able to thank you enough.

$70 / $700

Help Two Trans Lesbians Recover From a Medical Crisis

Since Tumblr finally deigned to give me this blog back, I'm remaking this post because we still need money, and everything we've just been through these last few weeks has both of us at our wit's end.

You can read the previous posts here and here.

To summarize: My wife and I have struggled to make ends meet for the last couple of months. I've been searching for jobs with no luck.

At the end of July, my wife was hospitalized because she had a double-digit number of blood clots in her legs and lungs that could easily have been lethal if they hadn't been caught early.

We've had to prioritize things she required after being discharged (blood thinners, compression socks, painkillers), which was a massive unexpected blow to our already strained economy and means we haven't had the money to pick up our other medicine (including our hormones) or go shopping for groceries.

Please, we're rapidly running out of food to eat. If anyone is capable of helping, even just by sharing this post, we would both be incredibly grateful.

p*yp*l: @QueenSizedDonger

$0 / $400

[celiaelise]

Have you ever been such a disaster of a person that you lost a brand new bottle of one your psych meds, (even though you usually have a specific place to put them, because you know you cannot be trusted) and then the old bottle runs out during the first week of your new job? So now in addition to the nerves and dramatic changes associated with starting a new job and trying to juggle two jobs, there's extra anxiety/depression/general shitty moods on top of that.

And honestly the bottle is probably still in my apartment somewhere, but my home is just as much of a disaster as I am. I did my best to check the most likely places, but there's not really a way to actually, comprehensively search for it without tearing apart and organizing the entire place, which would be an effort of, like, several days, if that was the only thing I had going on, and I had the help of one or more other people.

I might be being dramatic, but not by much.

Also, my AC's been out for literal months, but it should be finally getting replaced tomorrow! (I could've sworn there was a maracas emoji??? I was going to put one here but apparently it doesn't actually exist, so.) I was actually kind of expecting them to do that today, so hopefully nothing weird is going on, and they get everything wrapped up tomorrow.

Also, I'm, like, almost out of food right now, because my mom usually buys me groceries, but my new job's been distrupting my weekend schedule of visiting their place, (when I would pick the stuff up) and I haven't put effort into figuring out something else. And also for other reasons that boil down to me not being on top of my shit, idk. I'm not that out of food, it's fine, but like. I guess I'm out of the stuff that's easiest for me to eat?

And today I went to my retail job for the first time in two weeks, (more because they just didn't schedule me than bc I was busy with the other job) and I feel like I acted really weird and distant, because I'm just, like, extremely drained/wrung-out/etc. But I did have to call out "sick" the last two days, so I have the excuse of recovering, at least.

Anyway, not sure if I was going anywhere with all this. I guess I just wanted to complain about how I'm having a moderately miserable time. Like, it's not like everything's awful, I've mostly just been putting myself through the emotional wringer, for only partially rational reasons.

Oh, ALSO, I finally switched my health insurance at the start of this month! But I'm, like, unclear on how much is actually covered, and I'm not sure if my prescriptions are covered, like, at all?? And I also don't know if I have the energy to investigate it 😓 I don't have to pay for my scripts myself, (another thing my mom takes care of) but it still matters how much they cost, especially given that I have, like, twelve of them. (That may be an exaggeration, but not by much.)

Anywaaaay, (again) I hope all of you out there are having acceptable nights 💕

[3pirouette]

Thank you to @captainjimothycarter who reached out and let me know the Steggy Secret Santa was happening earlier this year. If you haven't signed up yet, you should!

I have been notably absent for a while. If you're nosy (like I am) and want to know, reasons are below. TW for medical/Doctor issues...

TL:DR though is I'm pretty much OK, may have a Thyroid issue and the doctor I've been seeing is completely horrible, but I'm OK.

So, it started about 6 months ago when I got reprimanded by my OBGYN for not having a primary doctor. She found this out because I had found out my Dad had a genetic something-or-other that meant it was much more likely he'd get blood clots (He's had 2, and my uncle died from one). I asked her opinion about getting tested (as I'm overweight, about to turn 40, and was on birth control.) She told me I needed to stop my BC and get tested right away and find a PCP.

I go to the hematologist. I thankfully test negative.

In the meantime, I get referred to a new PCP (my previous one retired in the MIDDLE of the pandemic in 2020... thanks.) who my friend said was great. I had to wait almost 2 months for a new patient appointment, but I figured between me having no issues I knew about, the summer, and her having a really popular practice that it would be ok.

She was alarmed by my family history of cardiac issues and recommended I see a cardiologist. She also gave me a prescription for basic bloodwork.

Now, I remind you all that in GENERAL I feel fine. I've been steadily gaining weight despite exercising a lot and have a lot of fatigue, poor sleep, and mild self-diagnosed anxiety and depression, but I was attributing all of that to poor diet, the pandemic, and stress at work. So, I waited three weeks because of a family vacation to get my blood work done.

The bloodwork comes back in 4 days with MULTIPLE abnormals.

The bloodwork came back right before my meeting with the cardiologist AND a new nutritionist. The cardiologist looked at me, my history (He treats my father who has the most issues in my family, so he knew my history WELL) and the blood work and he ran a few tests in office. He wants to see my cholesterol drop (it was high but JUST out of range) in the next six months, otherwise if I'm not having issues he didn't need to see me again.

The nutritionist (did I mention she's new? Because the other one I started seeing in the spring said not only should i get a new job if my current schedule was making me make bad choices, but that "losing weight is easy. Celebrities do it for movies all the time." I kid you NOT.) So, the new nutritionist looked at my bloodwork, stated that some of my issues could be stemming from some of the abnormal values (notably my TSH/thyroid hormone) but we worked on a plan to get my eating habits on track.

After a WEEK of not hearing from the PCP office I called them and asked if I can make an appointment to review my lab work. I had to CALL THEM. I had to wait from Sept 6 to Sept 22nd JUST to get a telehealth appointment. That she was 15 minutes late for. AND she didn't address my concerns about my WILDLY high TSH, but focused on all the other things I told her the cardiologist and nutritionist had already gone over with me. I also had abnormal liver values- but I also believe based on some of my research that can be caused by the TSH. Again, she did NOT address my concerns about my TSH.

She said we should do more bloodwork. Perfect. let's get more information so we can find out what is actually going ON. Except after a week the new prescription for the bloodwork isn't on the patient portal. So I call them and they say i can't access through my phone, only a PC or Laptop. So I have to wait until the next day to look again. it's still not there. So I have to call them and they say that they sent it to Labcorp. So I call Labcorp and they don't HAVE IT. So then I call them back and they are going to PUT IT IN THE MAIL for me. I can't go pick it up, they are going to PUT IT IN THE MAIL. After ANOTHER week I call them up and THIS person on the phone is like, "Well, you didn't get it yet? Do you want to just wait?" NO. No I don't Want to JUST WAIT. So then SHE says she can put it on the PORTAL. All told, I had to wait until October 18th (From a Sept 22 appt) to get my second blood draw.

My results came in (Still abnormal on some tests, others normal) on October 22nd. Today is November 1st and I STILL haven't heard from my doctors.

I've made an appointment for next week to get a new primary care doctor. I'm done with this woman and her office. I do NOT feel cared for at all. if my TSH is abnormal it could be the cause of a lot of the symptoms I'm having that I didn't even realize were symptoms. I do not want to wait anymore and I'm APPALLED.

But anyway- that's why I haven't been around. I've been absolutely depressed and frustrated about this situation. And I think my fatigue and inability to function (which in hindsight has slowly gotten worse) has also shown up in my inability to focus on my writing over the last year.

But, yeah.

Fingers crossed for the new guy next Wednesday.

[raspberryconverse]

Too much to put in the tags, so here goes.

This scene definitely made me cry.

Earlier this year, I was going through a lot. Hell, late last year I was going through a lot. My spouse and I had just bought a house and we've had thing after thing to fix in our old house and it's just been A LOT. I wasn't handling it well. My anxiety was becoming crippling. I was losing my temper about everything. I would fly off the handle and then have sobbing fits where I could barely breathe. Finally, my therapist and spouse convinced me that my current medication cocktail just wasn't working anymore and I finally contacted a psychiatrist (technically a PMHNP).

I was really losing hope. When I'd have those sobbing fits, I'd have thoughts (just thoughts, thankfully) of self harming, which is something I haven't done in 20 years. Sometimes I'd even scratch at my arm, almost trying to rip open a scar from when I gouged my arm on a nail when we were moving a bookshelf last fall.

The underlying thought was not necessarily that I wanted to die (I actually have an almost pathological fear of dying), but I just wished I wasn't here anymore. I remember there was one time I was driving to Walgreens to pick up one of my new prescriptions my PMHNP had called in and I had to make a left turn on a busier street in my neighborhood. I couldn't see around the parked cars and when I turned, a car almost hit me. It scared me, of course, but what scared me even more was the thought that popped in my head: I wish they had hit me.

A while later, when I was having a really bad moment, so I curled up with my spouse and told them about that. They were my Nick at that moment. There was no judgement. Just love.

So yeah, definitely cried during that scene.

i wanna talk about this scene until i die, they both deserve awards for this. everything about it was beautifully heartbreaking.

the closeness of not only them but the camera, the silence while they talk, the way Nick is almost whispering his way through when the words become to hard to say. The moment is all them, the vulnerability, the care, the love.

I got chills the moment Charlie admitted what he used to do, my heart shattered when Nick pulls him in for the hug when he asks if he still does it, when Charlie says he doesn’t and they don’t let go of each other.

Nick loves Charlie and Charlie loves Nick, and maybe neither of them can say it out loud right now but we can feel it’s truth.

Well done Alice for writing this, Well done Euros for the directing and well done Kit and Joe for this acting. it was absolutely phenomenal and one of my favourite scenes to exist in tv ever!