#i haven't had more than 4 hours of sleep a night for the past 2 weeks. i feel like i might start seeing the hat man soon | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

zealouscanonindeer · 1 year ago

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Little love

Post OH. Fluffy Angst. I never could resist a happy ending.

Synopsis: Ethan and Aspen's tiff affects a third individual more than they could ever fathom.

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Last night had been absolutely crazy. Ethan was on a day shift which ended up becoming a night shift only because Bloom suddenly decided to start a new policy and the administration board was in splits so now Ethan had to find middle ground with all of them never once losing sight of his patients. So no matter how much the 2 and a half year old human, pressed against my chest wailed for her daddy, it was not to be.

"Nooo, I. Want. Daddy. "

"I know, baby. "

I only sighed, knowing there was nothing I could do to quench Jade's crying fit, the only person who could was too far away to provide comfort.

Her hazel eyes were overflowing with tears, her rosy cheeks flushed, tiny hiccups alternating between her sobs. Feeling absolutely helpless, I simply held her, rubbing her back comfortingly as she continued.

After almost half an hour, which felt like eternity, she finally tired herself out and snuggled into me on the king sized bed in our room. Her tiny whimpers subsided, as she breathing slowly calmed and steadied itself, tiny snores surfaced as the remnants of her tears stained her cheeks, running down her jaw and neck. I quickly wiped them out with my thumb, heart breaking at the sight of my daughter. I closed my eyes, exhaustion catching up with me.

I woke with a headache and ringing in my ears to the sound of the bell , Jade was still pressed against me but the 6'2 figure keeping the sheets warm was still amiss. I slowly pulled away from Jade's grip and wandered to the front door.

"Yes? " I spoke into the intercom.

"Sweetheart, it's me, It seems I've forgotten my keys. "

"Come on up, E. " I said, letting him in.

Head still pounding, I sat on the couch, curling my legs under me as I waited for Ethan to join me. The door opened very slowly as he walked in, noticing me on the couch, he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Sorry I woke you, I apparently had the keys, just couldn't find it." He placed them in the bowl by the door, walking towards me.

"The fuck, Ethan! Ugh. " My outburst startled both him and myself but the slowly rising pounding of my head and the immense exhaustion was enough to turn me into a spiteful bitch. I didn't even realise the tears now flowing down my face.

"Your daughter just cried herself to sleep cause she wanted her cuddles from daddy who wasn't here cause he was stuck in some stupid meeting with the administration board. Ethan it's been 4 years now, you told me you wanted to give this position up, wanted more time with your family. I can't do this on my own, not with another one on the way, I need you. Please. " My voice broke as the words left me, practically begging and I stumbled onto the sofa in the crying mess.

Ethan just stood frozen, unable to find his voice, the silence only filled by my sniffles as I gathered myself.

"You're..? "

"Yes, 5 weeks, you haven't been around to notice the sickness or anything much less find a moment to ourselves so I could tell you. This is not how I wanted it to go. "

"You know we are finding a replacement, it's harder than I thought.. I can't just leave.. "

"Yes you can. You've done it before. " I slightly winced at my impulsive words. That was unnecessary, dredging up the past only brought back the painful memories.

Ethan seemed to think so too, cause his azure eyes only glared at me, not with anger but with something worse..hurt. I wasn't gonna back down, the words were out anyway.

"I'll take the guest room. " I only nodded at his suggestion and waited until he gathered his stuff from our room and walked out, closing the guest room door behind him with a resounding thud.

I made my way back to the bed, where Jade sat up, her eyes blurry with sleep, widening with fear and confusion at the commotion. She had noticed daddy enter the room, waiting for him to cuddle her and give her assuring kisses, instead he had picked up his pyjamas and toothbrush and walked out,like she didn't even exist. She held her arms out but I was too spent to pick her up, I only gathered the covers, pulling them over us as she slowly lowered herself onto the bed next to me, closing her scared eyes.

**********

The next morning, I woke up feeling the light hit my face, waking up before me, usually Ethan would draw the blinds in. I groaned, almost calling out for him when I felt a tiny squirm beside me, consciousness and last night slowly coming back to me.

Groggily, I sat up, Jade was asleep on her stomach, her face pressed against the mattress, her slightly parted mouth causing her drool to stain the sheets.

"Sicko." I snickered, completely enamoured. I quickly kissed her temple before throwing the covers off my legs and making my way to the kitchen. I halted by my Ethan's door, the primal urge to check in on him taking over me as I peered into the guest room, taking in my husbands snoring form, sprawled over the smaller bed, his feet hanging off the edge. I smiled involuntarily at the sight, slowly closing the door.

"That's your daddy. He sleeps like a log. " I gently whispered, cradling my stomach. "He loves you so much."

I made my way to the fridge, pouring myself some orange juice, before settling on the couch, donning my glasses to read the AMC Medical Monthly.

Tiny feet against the tiles pulled by attention away as I looked up to see Jade waddle, monkey plushie in hand towards me. I held my arms out to her and she quickly scrambled up my lap, leaning her entire weight against me, settling against my chest. We stayed like that in silence, I gently rocked us back and forth.

"Mama? " She mumbled against me.

"Yes, doll? "

She sat up to look me in the eye, her gaze fille with emotions. concern etched in them, her tiny brow which mimicked Ethan's furrowed as I gently ran my hand over it to relax her.

"Tell me you love me. "

"What? Oh doll, of course. I love you a million percent. I'll always love you, forever and always. Never doubt that, not once. So does daddy ,I promise."

" He didn't give me goodnight cuddles when he came. He was real mad. And so were you, you said stupid." She looked down, her fingers fidgeting with my nightgown. She sounded lost, and it was my fault completely.

I waited for her to continue, her next words sending my heart into splinters.

"Why don't you love daddy anymore? "

" I love him , this big. " I stretched my arms out as far as I could, making a silly face causing her to giggle.

" I'll always love your daddy, always. Because he gave me the best gift there ever was. "

"Was it like my new blocks ? " Her eyes widening in excitement at the thought of the secret gift.

"No, doll. It's you. You're the best thing ever in my life and being your Mama is the most amazing thing that could have happened to me. And you know why it happened? "

"Why? "

"Because of daddy, he's the greatest husband and father but above all he's a good man and I'll never ever stop loving him. "

"He loves you too, dis big. " She leaned back, stretching her arms just like I did.

"Let's say good morning, yeah? " She nodded enthusiastically, her hair falling over her face and eyes. She quickly brushed them away, running over to the guest room, turning to me when she reached the door, too little to reach the handle. I opened it for her as she pushed herself onto the bed with difficulty.

Ethan was still asleep on his side, arms below the pillow and the comforter pushed down to his waist, his legs too long to fit were left bare. He lightly snored, making me realize how tired he'd been.

The love I felt for the man before me flowed through every inch of my body, hell it even resided in me. Jade made her way to him, steadying herself to stand using his back as support.

His snoring stopped as her hands clutched onto his back, one arm moving from under the pillow to Jade's standing form, gently flipping her over his back to his chest, causing a fit of giggles to leave her. Now she rested against his chest, looking into his eyes, her tiny arms caressing his bearded jaw as he smiled, taking one of her arms in his hand and pressing his lips to her palm before repeating the same with the other.

"Morning, daddy." She sat up and he followed suit.

"Morning, Jadie girl."

Her hands flew to his neck as she rested her head against his shoulder, looking sideways at me, smiling. I smiled back at her before moving my gaze to Ethan, only to find the stormy ocean already staring back at me.

"We need to talk. " I mouthed. He only nodded.

"Baby, you forgot monkey outside. " Jade mouth twisted into a O as she ran out to her beloved plushie.

"That's the best you could come up with? "

"I didn't see you try. " Before he could retort I walked over, adjusting myself in his lap, pushing my finger against his lips.

"Ethan, what I said last night was completely out of order and I'm so sorry. I have forgiven you and I meant it, I don't want you to think otherwise, not for a second."

He kissed my finger, grabbing my wrist with his large hand to pull it away. I replaced it with my lips, kissing him deeply as he held on to my shoulder. He broke away for air, resting his forehead against mine.

"Thank you. "

I continued, recounting my earlier conversation with Jade, his face falling as I finished my narration.

" I never want her to see her parents at war. I've seen enough of that with Louise to know what it does to a child. I've also felt like shit when she ignored me after an argument with Dad, like I wasn't worth comforting or even taken into consideration. I'll never want her to feel that. "

"Agreed."

" I found him Mommy!! " Jade runs in, her face scrunched as she gets onto the bed, trying to push me off Ethan's lap.

"I was sitting here, Mama. You sit there. " She pointed to the bed.

Ethan chuckled loudly as I almost felt jealous, not wanting to give up my husbands lap to this adorable human.

"You heard her. " Ethan reminded me, gently pushing me off his lap.

"Are you seriously pushing me off? " I scoffed, suddenly offended.

Jade was already nestled against him, looking up at him with so much adoration in her eyes I couldn't stay mad.

" I'm sorry sweetheart I didn't hug you last night. It just means you get all the more snuggles now. " His hands tickled her sides before he began blowing raspberries on her stomach, peals of laughter escaping from her.

"I love you both so much, Aspie. "

"Three of us. " I quickly corrected.

"Ah yes. " He smirked. "We need to have quite the celebration. Don't you agree, Rookie? "

"I may have a few things that come to mind. " I giggled, leaning in to capture his lips once more.

*********

A special thanks to @jamespotterthefirst @potionsprefect @perriewinklenerdie @rookie-ramsey @liaromancewriter @takemyopenheart @cariantha @jerzwriter @genevievemd @heauxplesslydevoted for inspiring me to write because of their amazing fics. I can never get enough of your writing. 😍

@choicesficwriterscreations

********

I'm thinking of starting a tag list. Let me know if you want to be added. That's it.

#open heart fan fiction #open heart mc #open heart choices #open heart fanfic #open heart #oh fandom #ethan ramsey fanfic #ethan ramsey x mc #dr ethan ramsey #ethan x mc #ethan ramsey #choices fandom #aspen milla kallie

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hazard-and-friends · 1 year ago

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6 months!

Old. 6 months old. I've only had her for almost-4-months.

Successes:

No accidents since December 21, and the ones in the 2 weeks prior to that were zoomies-induced

Nice walker, can go on the harness and pull gently or (with lots of reinforcement, but she is 6 months) on the collar and not pull at all

Alone in the car up to 75 minutes at a stretch or at home, crated, with Hazard, up to 2 hours

Sit/down/touch all fairly good

Drop it VERY good, 99% of the time she will spit the item out.

Very nice toy skills! Will drop a toy and wait to hear "take it" (tug) or "geddit" (fetch)

Her dog-dog social skills are insane. She is so good at adapting play to different confidence levels, or backing off entirely if the other dog is uninterested. She can navigate weird personal conflicts (like when a BC bitch decided to resource guard me) with ease and draw shy dogs into play. If this holds true, she's going to be an exceptional dog for socializing others.

Work in progress:

She can sleep through the night but only if (a) minimal food in the 2 hours before bed and (b) she poops right before bed. Otherwise we get up around 3 am to poop. This past week she's also had a streak where she decides there's Monsters outside and needs to huff about it. That's been steadily decreasing but we're still working on getting the poop schedule right.

We've graduated from the no-spill bowl. MOSTLY she doesn't go swimming in the water bowl, unless she's overtired in which case all bets are off.

Recall is uh, extant. Usually. Which is very good for 6 months lol

Evening relaxing remains something we need to actively remind her to do. I'm typing this post in the bedroom with her, because she won't wind down most nights in the living room--and she won't usually put herself in the bedroom to sleep. So someone goes into the bedroom with her, closes the door, and just hangs out for the last 1-2 hrs before bed, and that's working okay.

She's not as people-friendly as I (after all of Hazard's issues) would like. She's EAGER to meet people but not eager for them to meet her, head-shy, will flinch away from strangers. Like Hazard once you're in her circle you're in, and you can do whatever, and it's a lot easier to get in her circle, but hmm. More love on this I think.

Cat skills: She LOVELOVELOVES the cat. Penny even loves her back. But if Penny is in an accessible place (ie, 95% of the apartment) K'seil is incessant about bothering her, unless being actively distracted.

Leave it/trash is like, she Wants A Thing In Her Mouth on walks sometimes. So she'll dive at trash and shove it in her mouth--not EAT it, rarely even CHEW it, just Hold In Mouth. Which is why her 'drop it' is so stellar. 95% of the time she'll leave it if I can get the cue out, but the reason this is a WIP is she needs the cue. She doesn't have any sort of default "oh I should ignore this" yet. This goes double for certain trash bins in the apartment--thus far no thefts of anything dangerous, but she likes to chew apart masks and eat clumps of shed hair. I know how to fix this I just haven't put the work in.

Counter surfing is juuuust about a success but I don't wanna jinx it XD Very early on she was very persistent about trying to put feet on the kitchen counter, and through consistently ignoring/redirecting her from that and rewarding a down in the kitchen, we have gone...like a week or so? Without any attempts to get on the counter. So that's very nice, both because I hate counter surfing and because it validates my R+ approach.

Bite inhibition/mouthing I think is a WIP but might be a success, she's still Very Sharp sometimes but that's also when she's aroused, so we might just be having arousal problems (because she is 6 months). On walks about 75% of the time she can take a treat from my fingertips perfectly gently. She's still very mouthy, including with new people which is Ungreat, but it's steadily improving.

Body handling, while SO much better than Hazard, still needs some love. She'll let me brush the dremel against her nails but not hold it there, and rear nails have been a no-go since I quicked her fairly badly there. Brushing is 50/50.

Yikes:

Dogs in complex. She's not really reactive beyond staring at dogs outside the apartment complex, but inside it (how does she know. why does she know.) she is loudly and quickly vocal about There Is A Dog Over There. Think husky noises. We're making progress on this but it is still deeply embarassing.

Home alone without Hazard. I haven't done as much work on this as I should, because she can be in the car alone for an hour, so if he's got a class I can just bring her. But it would be nice. Sigh.

#training log #bucket full of starlight

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homestuckdailyweekly · 8 months ago

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Homestuck Daily - Week 4/End of Month 1 - 5/11/2024

Today marks the end of the first month of my real time Homestuck reread. If my math is correct (and that is a big if), I have 83 months of reading Homestuck left. Based on some more math, I first read Homestuck roughly 50 months ago. I don't know what point I am making with this, except for the fact that time is long and strange.

If I am being honest, I am finding it a hard time to write this update, because it feels like basically nothing happened this entire week. It probably doesn't help that I've been playing Hades 2, an extremely fun and good game, all week. So everything I have to say about this week of Homestuck is colored by an implicit "And I read this instead of playing Hades 2 in that exact moment." Hell, I could be playing Hades 2 right now, but I am writing this instead.

In case you haven't noticed, dear reader that definitely exists, I don't exactly know what I'm doing with this one here. I know, after I worked so hard on developing a strict and rewarding format these past few weeks, I'm throwing it all away to ramble here and now. The thing you need to know about me, though, is that I make terrible decisions. Always have, always will. I promise I'll get to a point, but we'll get there on my own time.

Where was I. Oh right. 50 months ago. Valentines Day 2020. That was the day I began my first Homestuck read through. My girlfriend at the time- she would break up with me a few months later for non-Homestuck related reasons- was a Homestuck fan, and had tried and failed to convince me to read the comic before. We even spent a date night playing friend sim, which I tried my best not to be confused by. Well, Valentines day came, and I decided I would finally relent to my girlfriend's recommendation, and I spent the day reading Homestuck in my college dorm room. And when I started, I did not stop. Not for a long time. You see, it was a Friday, a Friday very early in the semester, in fact. I had nothing I needed to do and 3 whole days where I did not need to treat myself as a human being. I denied myself food, water, sleep, and human dignity as I read Homestuck, all the while texting my girlfriend my reactions. I think the only time I took a break that weekend was on Saturday, to play in a Vampire the Requiem game I had recently joined. I don't know exactly how far through Homestuck I had gotten when I attended the game- but it was further than a person should be less than 24 hours after starting the webcomic.

Which brings me to my point. How quickly into my binge did I get to the parts of this comic that has now taken me a month to reach? An hour? Less than that? I don't know and am unwilling to do the work to find that out. I don't think I had gone all-in on Homestuck at this point, but I do remember being entertained by the Sylladex fuckery that was going on. I found it intriguing, this little puzzle of mechanics, the audience and John struggling against an unintuitive game mechanic that refused to make things easy. That was 50 months ago. So far on my read through, all I really feel as I get to each new gag about Sylladexes is "Oh, today is just this, huh." A part of me is sad and disappointed these gags aren't landing for me in the way they once had. A part of me is worried what else in this comic will suffer with the addition of time. But then I got to the last page of this week's updates, page 137, a loading animation for SBURB set to Sburban Jungle by Michael Guy Bowman, and that worry melts away.

Sburban Jungle is a song that lights my imagination ablaze with visions of epic machinations. I am the kind of person who listens to music not just because I like a song, but because that song puts images in my head that I can't tear myself from exploring as fully as I can. Even back when I was a kid in highschool, I would spend my bus rides home listing to my ipod, imagining grand adventures and fantastic scenes set to whatever music I was listening to. Sburban Jungle brings me back to those days, I think. That feeling that I find so hard to describe right now is part of why I love Homestuck, I think. It is a story about 4 kids, friends, playing a game together. A game where anything can be possible. A game where music brings actions scenes of epic and mythical scale- like the kind I would think about on the bus ride home- to life. That game hasn't started yet, we are still playing a game I'd like to call "Inventory Management if the Inventory Management hated you". But we'll get there eventually.

I have read Homestuck in realtime for 1 month. I will continue this for 83 more months. There'll be many months where I read nothing, and I'll need to think up something to post during those weeks. There'll be months where I'll struggle to keep everything I want to discuss in individual coherent posts. Homestuck is a land of contrasts, and I am going to experience those contrasts in the fullness of time's length. This is a terrible idea, but those are my favorite kinds.

Now that this is written and done with, time to play some more Hades 2.

#homestuck #homestuck daily weekly

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meghansworks · 2 months ago

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How to Self-Care

4 January 2024

I wrote this to, once again, fill an opinion essay slot in creative writing year 2 in high school. It’s honestly a very messy piece in retrospect. Not my finest work— but that wasn’t the goal. It was mainly to express what had been on my mind.

Self care is very modernly associated with beauty. It has begun to stray away from its original medicinal definition, like getting enough sleep or eating healthy. The term ‘self-care’ commonly makes people think of sitting inside a hot tub with cucumbers sitting on their eyes, or spending hours in a rose-petal draped bath until their fingers prune. Others can view it as taking themselves on a shopping spree. For some, it is spending the night out with friends. And then there’s the occasional sitting-beside-the-fireplace-reading person. All of these activities are done because the people doing them aim to please themselves, and feel that they deserve it. Self care and love comes in many different forms, but there is a side to self love that often doesn’t get discussed.

Our past selves often get a lot of criticism, mainly from ourselves. We hold a lot of disdain and resentment for things we have done in the past and carry that shame to haunt us as we tread forward into the future. It’s a heavy backpack we refuse to let go of during this long and grueling hike of life. We hold onto this baggage because we know that, from a young age, we learn from our mistakes. The bad decisions we’ve made in the past still have a bit of that learning that we haven't fully wrung out of those experiences. With the belief that these life lessons will get us farther, we tend to hold onto shame so much that it sends us tumbling back down the mountain.

Even when we are young, we wish to be older. Maturity is a cast-iron brand stating that you know what you’re doing. It’s a race to see who can mature before one another until our first wrinkle appears. Then we’re hit with the desire to come crawling back to the starting line. The digital age we live in has an effect on maturity. With smartphones being handed out left and right to children alike, social media and the influencers on them are only a few taps away. Middle scholars and even elementary kids begin following teen trends earlier than ever. Nine year-old girls walk right up to the counter at the nearest Sephora demanding their finest bottle of retinol. Thirteen year-old boys beg their mothers to allow them to get hair perms. On playgrounds we see a group of children dancing in front of a camera instead of going down a slide.

As much as I’d want to shame them, I remember being twelve and begging my mom for a ‘grown up bra’ and a curling iron to be just like the big girls. However, being an early bloomer, maturity is a double-edged sword. When my female peers and I found out what a period was in third grade, we all wanted to get it. It sounded new and exciting, but most importantly, mature. But, when I had gotten mine before everyone else, their opinions had suddenly changed. Suddenly people told me that periods were weird and gross. I had never wanted to go back in time more in my life than when I experienced that.

However, having just turned eighteen (as I am writing this), I often look back on my own habits of wanting to follow the trends of teens older than me and cringe. I had brought this up to my therapist during one of my sessions and he challenged my disdain for my younger self with a pair of questions:

“Well, how did your younger self feel? Was following those trends important to her?”

That question hit me like a ton of bricks. With million-dollar questions like those, I couldn’t provide an answer right then. So, he sent me off with a little bit of homework that was thinking up an answer to them. With a month of time to do so, I ended up with a pretty solid answer.

“Younger Meghan probably just wanted to feel like she belonged. So, following trends alongside her peers must have meant the world to her.”

That changed my perspective quite a bit. Humans find a great sense of comfort in belonging. Fitting into a group makes us feel like we have a definitive sense of self, even when following others may do the opposite. By mid-high school we generally tend to find things that we identify with. For many it is the sport they play and the team they play with. For others it is a different kind of hobby or skill. And for some others it is the job they want to do in the future. There is a wide plethora of things to identify with, but it always seems as though there is more to figure out. The hunt for who we are isn’t over until our lives are. One of the true keys to self love is to love who we are, at that moment in time, and any times that came before and those will come after.

~*~

When was the last time you took a moment to feel your own body? Not to physically feel and touch your body, but to be aware of what each of your individual body parts were feeling. The sensations you are currently experiencing or the sensations you want to experience. At times maybe your fingers feel the need to grab a pencil. Your leg burns with the urge to kick. Your eyes want to close. Your shoulders want to droop. When have you truly known what you want to experience? Only you yourself can know what your body wants and needs. Being in tune with your body physically is a form of self care I hold very dearly to me. All bodies are different, especially in the kinds of sensations they want to feel.

Many people, especially in America, shy away from sex. Sex, of all things. The very thing that jump-starts our existence like a car. The period that ends the sentence that comes right before the beginning of ours. A star exploding to become the supernova that is us. Because of this tendency to shy away from the topic of sex in such crucially developmental years in our lives, when the time comes to do sex, we do not often have the greatest experience. It takes years into adulthood for the average person to be able to confidently look inwards to state what gives them pleasure and what causes discomfort. Our bodies are beautifully unique and respond to many things. When people are able to comfortably state to their partner what they need sexually, it is often seen as being cordial to their partner. Yet, I implore many to see it as a side to loving themselves and their bodies in a way that expresses the innate connection between the body and the mind. It’s a side to self love rarely talked about, but I’d argue that it is the most natural form of self love that humans can perform. Although some may never end up approaching that side to themselves, it’s a light in the back of the stage that is our self love. Loving yourself includes being in tune with your physicality– your sexuality. To look in the mirror and appreciate your curves. To take the time to look at your legs and thank them for carrying you so far. To take the time and thank your hands, the countless times they have been able to pick up a pencil.

There had been a time in my life that my hygiene had gone down the drain due to a sexual traumatic experience I had gone through. I refused to see my naked reflection in the mirror, which prevented me from showering for days on end. It took an incredibly long amount of time until I was comfortable seeing my body again. Although it was a very dark time in my life, it is an experience that taught me that being thankful for our bodies isn’t self-centered. It’s beauty in its most natural state. Loving who you are for what you are is extraordinary. That realization was a large part of my recovery.

~*~

During my middle school years, I grew up around a lot of people who struggled with mental health issues for various reasons. As most of us were raised in front of a screen, there was an unspoken rule that it was a ‘privilege’ if someone told you their mental health struggles. If someone trusted you, then you must fall to your knees at their every word to ensure that they were okay. I lived by this expectation and treated every concerning text I got from any of my peers like a delicate glass ball that would shatter on impact once it hit the ground. To put it in perspective, I’d very often receive a text at around midnight from a friend. It’d usually be a self-harm threat or, in some of the worst scenarios, a suicide threat. Then I’d be up for the next three hours trying to talk them out of it. I have been told that this is not an uncommon experience.

There’s an overlooked problem with this. On paper, this is a very noble and good thing to do for someone else. I had done that very thing various times with other people again and again until I absolutely hated doing it. This turned me into quite an apathetic person, of which in many cases during that kind of event I would simply not respond. I did this knowing, as someone who lived with mental health issues as well, that it would devastate me if someone treated me the same way.

But years later I can confidently say that I hadn’t done anything wrong. Through an adult’s eyes it's obvious that a child wouldn’t be the best candidate to deal with a suicide threat. At the time it had come down to trading valuable sleep to quell worries for my friends’ wellbeings. As much as I would’ve liked to be everyone’s hero, that mindset wasn’t healthy.

If I could step back to the past to tell my younger self one thing, it’d be to recognize limits. Caring for someone else is impossible when you haven’t got any care to give to yourself. It’s another unrecognized form of self care, knowing what you can and can not do.

So, self care is a wide spectrum. While taking bubble baths and going on shopping sprees is a form of self care, there is a deeper meaning behind it as well. One that we should always take the time to explore and learn the parts of ourselves we love, what we like, what our limits are. As being human is being beautiful.

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relapsdcw · 2 months ago

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10.17.2024 , 2:30am

tw:// su!cide, s/h mention, bpd, drug use, medical/ bodily fluids?

it's funny i made this account and then lost all motivation to really blog on it, and now after my boyfriend and i watching shows im high and decided to feel my feelings at a minimum intensity so i can write this lol

the last few days have been a blur, really. i woke up friday morning so stressed out i was brushing my teeth and started gagging, which ended up leading to a panic attack, and i called out of work 30 minutes prior to my start time telling my store manager i "couldn't stop throwing up" when in reality i was so anxious and couldn't stop shaking, so i called in and i couldn't get out of bed for the entire day.

then saturday came, and the stress of me calling out and how bad i felt ended up actually making me sick, and i spent the day with a fever and actually throwing up.

it made me feel good, in a way though? because i've been relapsing with my eating disorder so me being sick was a reason for me to avoid eating all together.

sunday was spent the same way- bed rotting, attempting to play video games- and then losing energy for it after an hour and laying back in bed because being awake is unbearable.

monday came; some important context is that i tend to get violently high on my off days / at night to help my anxiety, i wake up in the morning with it worn off and severe panic attacks every. single. morning. i'm unmedicated and haven't gone to receive medical care in almost 3 years. my BPD looks a lot more like A and less like B. so.. the edibles help.--- anyway, i wake up from nocturnal panic attacks every morning and it's been like that since may of 2023.

it originally started because my fp at the time had started being more emotionally distant after i got a girlfriend (i'll talk abt her in another post), and i slept-called with him every night anyway (yes i understand that is cheating kind of and i feel terrible but i would literally have panic attacks if i didn't call him lol) ANYWAY i noticed he started to get distant and he told me he was sleep calling w another girl at the same time but it felt okay because he said he kept her on his pc while he keeps me on the phone... yeah i was- it was bad erm anyway the only other thing that has really helped in the past has been either not having work the next day, or cuddling with someone while i'm asleep & them rubbing my back / holding me back to sleep whenever i wake up from more anxiety. ANYWYAY. It was monday-- i had work.

i went to work, i spent the entire day thinking i had a bladder infection when in reality i was so anxious i couldn't stop peeing (no seriously, i kept apologising to my team because i kept peeing every 40 minutes or so) and i felt SO TERRIBLE because my team was perfect we should've gotten out early anyway, i had to text my mom and tell her i had to go to the clinic in the morning, and she said okay after a few attempts of me trying to reach her. (her and my dad drove somewhere to buy erm.. idk can i say this in tumblr? lol.) anyway, i got home and my shift ended- i ran into my parents and talked about it with my mom who couldn't understand what a uti was and i just had to explain it hurt to pee.. anyway we planned to go at 9:30 on tuesday

that night also my boyfriend and i got into a fight and i ended up freaking out and trying to break up with him (i genuinely don't remember what the fight was about) (idk if it was a split or a i was hangry but i blacked out with anger) ... my boyfriend is more patient than i could ever ask for.

tuesday comes: my mom moves the time from 930 to 1130. for some reason this triggered my bpd and i started to take it as she doesn't care about me because i need to go to the clinic and she's wasting my time and she keeps moving the time to later because she doesn't want to hang out with me because she has flaked on me the last 4 times i asked to go somewhere with her and in that moment i was a little girl who needed her mom to take her to the doctor and i felt abandoned. she ended up walking into my room and giving me her antibiotics but i said i don't even know if i really had one, i didn't want to risk antibiotic resistance by taking her medication and it freaked me out- she got mad at me and we started arguing and the argument got so bad i just left. i started to run. i couldn't think about what i was doing i grabbed my phone and my wallet and just left.

i was so mad. the nausea started to set in and i started to feel sick leaving home. it felt like i was in high school again and i was scared. i just left. i'm 22 and i felt like a scared little kid. my mom and i arguing back and forth- i finally come home a little bit later after my mom and i talked. i walk in the door with her asking to go to the clinic now but i felt so exhausted from the fight i had no energy. i didn't care if i had a bladder infection or not i felt so tired- and then she kept prying. "let's go already" over and over again and it just snapped something. we started yelling-- i started yelling, i kept telling her how i thought she was just like dad, how manipulative she is and how fucked up it is that she's picking an abuser over her kids and how much i hate it when she gets high and how i cant trust her and how i cant even eat her food because its disgusting, she had known i wasn't eating and sick and i said that, and i saw the look on her face while she started to blame herself- she tried to come in and hug me but in the moment i was so scared i started to crawl away from her and told her i couldn't do this. i walked upstairs sobbing and started throwing stuff around my room, i felt like a toddler. i hated it. but i couldn't stop it felt like my emotions controlled me and i couldn't see anything good. i looked at the antibiotics my mom had given me earlier and googled them.

i could overdose on this.

it was all that was going through my mind i started to fantasise about my last moments i was sobbing dreaming about the pain but how i wouldn't have to live like this anymore; how i could finally rest, how tired i am- i felt scared for a second- and texted my boyfriend. he begged me not to do anything and i finally calmed down enough to sit on my carpet. i sat there for an hour just picking around at it trying to avoid getting up or moving because if i did, i would've reached for the bottle. i ended up getting so mad i smashed my glasses into my floor while sitting in my carpet and snapped them in 4 different pieces. that wasn't getting fixed. the rage still wasn't gone. i needed to hurt myself. my razors were within reach but instead i grabbed my hair brush. and started untangling my carpet. and i kept doing it until i felt like it was clean. if it was clean. i can be calm. if i can be calm, i can be done. and i did that for a few hours until i got up and started to clean my room. i got up and showered. my mom and i didn't talk for the rest of the night and i ended up spending the night watching movies on discord with my bf, but i got super sick so i had my face above my tea kettle boiling water so my nose could drain because erm.. i got really sick from going outside.

anyway.

now today- we'll yesterday was wednesday. my mom and i texted. i said i was sorry. i could pee with no pain until the very very end so i am instead trying to drink more water because i read that pee is actually super acidic and if u don't drink water it's super concentrated and i remember i really.. hadn't had any water the entire weekend/prev 5 days... so i've been drinking water and it doesn't bother me as much today? my dad doesn't want my mom doing my laundry because i "don't deserve it" but idk how he's allowed to live here when he's abused tf out of us our entire lives but go off ig idk ✨parental trauma sry✨ anyway my mom and i planned to go do my laundry today at 10:30am so im writing this and passing out.

i feel better today. i think. i cleaned my room more and ordered food and i was actually able to eat it. i'm kind of very broke now because i bought some stuff on amazon related to kink and wow that's expensive and i splurged more because... spending problems when upset.. lots of credit card debt.. (can get more into that too) but yeah. i ate food, my bf n i watched wizards of waverly place. i love him so much. i really do. argh lemme make an entire post abt him i swear

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skinni-girls-eat-books · 4 months ago

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Monday, August 12th, 2024!

7:07am: I think the magnesium is giving me so much gas idk what to do. Or it was hummus but I'm pretty sure it wasn't. It's August but it's FL I wish it would hurry up and get cool outside :/ I want fallllll but it normally doesn't really kick in till daylight savings time

7:41am: 192.6..... ok so I guess that pizza weight is just gonna stay on forever, got it 🥴

I haven't really started setting calorie goals yet just because I've been wanting to track my patterns but I think I will start soon. Ok wow I looked at my diet the week and it actually sucked 😂 my biggest downfalls:

1. People buying/bringing me food.

2. Free food/ coupons.

3. Getting takeout in general. (I'm still using takeout as a treat for myself and it sucks)

4. Not prepping literally anything at home.

5. Also just eating one giant (1000 cal) meal a day which I want to stop doing. (Aka that heartburn last night 🥴)

The fact that I ate a whole pizza + snacks on Saturday vs last night when I only ate some cheese and hummus and got extremely full shows that takeout is just hollow food, you can eat so many calories and not even be full nearly as fast as say eating a bag of cucumbers/ carrots + some type of fat/ protein. It's so obvious once you start tracking your diet.

I really think just switching my default foods and getting rid of these bad habits will honestly eliminate the need for calorie restriction bc how tf do you eat 1000 cal of cucumbers ykwim?? That's like 70 baby cucumbers 😂

9:55am: Damn the sleep you get when you are supposed to awake and going things is 🔥🔥 past two hours of sleep cured my exhaustion from last week lol.

11:19am: Had the second half of a cheese block (480 cal) and probiotic soda (45 cal) it's honestly too much. Cheese will be the death of me. +Multivitamin

3:30pm: hummus + cucumber (360 cal)

10:29pm: tempeh 400 cal, 15g fiber, 45g protein, 25% DV of iron freaking yum. I was so craving McDonald's little cheeseburgers but I BEAT THE CRAVINGS now look at me :)

Ok after tasting it and realizing it really is sodium free lol and I used no salt in the seasoning 😂 kinda refreshing :) y'all know I'm a salty mf, might add some cfa sauce to these though :)

HELLO ok these mfs taste like french fries BUT if fries had fiber and protein and iron 😍 ok now I know what to do with these 😂 ketchup>>> CFA sauce

Ketchup and Tempeh !!! Also the butter fried batch was so much better than the olive oil, both are ok, but the butter compliments it very well. I mean it's literally soy so it makes sense, it's already kinda fatty.

Ok so ketchup or pickles or something vinegary, butter fried and slightly thicker slices actually taste good. I might use the bigger pan next time and throw the whole tempeh slab in together, cook with seasoned butter, and slice after cooking. Something kinda bright and vinegary would go very well with it like pickled veggies or kimchi, compliment the fermented flavor and add crunch

Ok I saw recipes for tempeh sloppy joes and Reubens so literally the stinkier/ more fermented (sauerkraut and Swiss cheese hello?) the better. This is gonna be so good, I'm glad I added this to my repertoire :)

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linyyo3o · 4 months ago

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me bc I haven't slept more than 6 hours WHILE ON SUMMER BREAK in an entire week because I've been kept awake by:

1. My panic attacks I've had about 4 over the past few nights

2. My sister bc we have to share a bed and she sleep talks, kicks me, and generally just shifts and moves so so much

3. My dad's fucking snorring dude I can't take it anymore

I'm so pissy all the time and I genuinely think it's because I haven't had a good night's sleep in a week, I haven't had more than 30 minutes all by myself all week and nobody seems to get that

I just wanna go home and play league

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nathank77 · 7 months ago

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5/16/24

6:16 p.m Edited/ Added to 6:26 p.m

I fell asleep fast on the half MG of xanax and a hydroxyzine 25MG around 7 a.m or 7:15 a.m. I woke up at like 2:30. I didn't sleep after that despite trying but I didn't want to take Benadryl and miss therapy. So I gave up around 3:30 p.m

So i had therapy at 4:45 p.m. I haven't heard back about the Kristen complaint. Yesterday and some of today I've had horrible flashbacks to Nala and to just psychosis.

Last night I basically watched family guy all night. Today idk what to do. I was going to do laundry but my mother always hogs the machines... and I haven't been able to use a towel to dry off for like 3 days so far...

I got to shower and shave my head but I may skip it. I showered yesterday and shaved my face..

I might try to see if I can get the hdcp bypasser to work before I return it back to Walmart and then buy another one from Ebay or just try to buy a regular hdmi splitter and see if that allows the, "handshake" but idk...

Also I might play fc2 or fc4 but idk. My clippers are Contaminated bc of contact with puss.... for at least another 7 days.. maybe I'll shave with a razor instead. I don't want to wash my clippers or use hand sanitizer as they rust them...

I may just watch family guy all day. I'm fucking lonely and I'm thinking about going back to Stacey. She's pretty. She's crazy and she will take me as I am. We can have kids cause she has money. She saves and is great with money. She saved up for a 60k car and paid out of pocket.

I mean I won't be happy but at least I'll have someone to talk to everyday and video chat or talk on the phone with once a day and I'll have someone to spend my weekends with...

Beyond that I don't expect to find anyone and actually be happy. Maybe I was right 10 years ago when I thought, about breaking up with her but my other thought was- what if I can't find someone else to love me?

Idk. I'm getting desperate. Not desperate enough to truly settle. I won't be settling on appearance.... I'll be settling on personality.. and the fact that she made more than a few transphobic remarks..

But I mean I have a feeling I'll be settling no matter what. Whether it's a life of loneliness or a life with Stacey or some other girl i haven't met yet.

Stacey was thoughtful and wrote sweet things to me. It fulfilled one of my love languages and she takes my mom as she is and loves her. She loves my dad. She was a part of the family. Most people can't stand my mother and can't stand my sister. She didn't like my sister but I'm sure they could put that in the past. It's a real consideration.

Me and Stacey could do artifical insemination. I could be on a birth certificate as the father. She would take my last name. We could get a house. She'd be fine with me being a stay at home dad. I mean it could work.

Also I have my disability appt tomorrow at 1:30 p.m. I'm going to take melatonin 2MG, hydroxyzine 25MG, and 1MG of xanax at around 4 a.m.... I hope I fall asleep fast and wake up around 12 or 12:30. If I can make it I might go to New Hampshire after bc it'll be done at 2:30 p.m and I could get out the door by 3 p.m or 3:30 the latest...

I'm anxious I wont wake up on time or fall asleep fast enough... if I don't I'll reschedule and I'll go grocery shopping and do new Hampshire Saturday unless I wake up at like 2:30 and then I may go to new Hampshire anyways cause I never wake up that early with 7 hours of sleep.

I'm going to try not to worry about it as I can always reschedule and I'll make it work eventually but I truly hope I can do it tomorrow and see how much back pay I'm entitled to and hopefully get it for June 1st.

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throwsomecheeseonit · 8 months ago

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20 Years of Clean (part 11)

My ceiling. That's what I've been staring at for the past 2 weeks it feels like. Two weeks since Brandon and I parted ways, not knowing when I'd see him again.

When we left Tampa he hugged me, gave me a sweet kiss to remember him by and just like that, the distance between him and became greater and greater as we drove away. Haley tip toed around conversation on the drive home. She knew that I was a lost puppy dog. "How was your night?" she asked me. Being sure to ease into the more complicated questions when we were halfway home. I told her amazing it was, how it was so easy being with him. "We kissed." My face instantly turning into a Tomato. "Oooooh. Was he a good kisser? I bet he was. He looks like one." With anyone else I probably would've slapped them silly but it was Hales and she meant no harm. She was a serial flirt. "It was better than I had hoped," sighing into the window. "It'll be alright Michelle. It's not like you'll never see him again." "I know. We just never have any time together. Extended periods of time. I've spent more time watching him on tv then actually being in a room with him." "If the tv's in the room then you're in the room with him," Haley giggled as I rolled my eyes at her. "I'm sorry. It's not funny. I'm just trying to cheer you up. Think about it 4 more weeks, granted they don't make it into the playoffs or the world series and he's all yours. Forever. He is retiring, isn't he?" she pondered out loud. The truth is, I didn't know. I knew nothing at that moment. "Let's change the subject. Did you and Tommy have fun?" Haley instantly perked up, "I'm so glad you asked..." for the next hour and a half she boasted about how much she liked Tommy, what they were doing next weekend, everything that made me jealous (in my current situation). But she was my best friend and that's what best friend do, listen. That's what I did the rest of the ride.

It's two weeks later and besides talking to her about Tommy ad nauseum and working, my days and nights were pretty boring. I would read, clean, and do household duties. I'd very rarely want to sit in the living room or the kitchen because they were stained (in a good way) with Brandons residue. Every time I looked or sat on that couch, I could smell the ocean and remember how comfortable it was in his arms. The only exciting occasions was when Brandon would call or text. He kept up the same routine, calling me during days games, texting me after night games because he knew I was sleeping. He was thoughtful that way. I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't sit up at night and wait for that night text. I never responded back until the next day though. Tonight was different though. It had been 3 nights in a row of night games and I missed his voice.

Brandon: We lost. Oh well. Miss you. Give me a call tomorrow, we need to talk. I'm off.

Me: I miss you. Sorry you lost. Want to talk now.

Brandon:..

The bubbles popped up then went away. Maybe he was tired. My phone started ringing. I bit my lip and went giddy at the thought of him calling me. "Hey," answering the phone. "Hey Babe. You're up late." When he calls me babe, it never gets old. "I told you I missed you. I haven't talked to you in days. I wanted to hear your voice." I could swear he was smiling over the phone. "Where you at," he asked me suspiciously. "I'm in bed, why?" Not knowing where this line of questioning. "Good. Just wanted a visual. I should be there with you," his voice all smooth and seductive. "A visual, you've never seen my room or my bed." "A man can dream can't he. Besides, I have an idea. Your bed is probably so comfy with a nice down duvet." He wasn't wrong. He had me pinned. "You're pretty close. That's pretty eerie." "What can I say. I'm good. How have you been," always interested in me, how I am, what I'm doing. "Lonely," feigning sadness. "Oh baby. You're breaking my heart. The things I would do to you if I was there, to make it all better." His chocolatey voice melting over my whole body, giving me goosebumps. "Like what," egging him on.

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bornzmusic · 10 months ago

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Happy Birthday

Today is your birthday. You couldn’t even tell me anything to convince me I’d be sitting here writing this 7 days ago. 7 days ago I hadn’t even thought of you much for the past 4 years. 7 days ago I woke up, my only day off. I slept in till noon. I woke up with this longing for you, I felt it in my bones. How could I possibly still miss you? I layed in bed last Saturday with all my lights and clothes off. I layed there till 5 or 6 just thinking about you. At first I told myself I wasn’t going to give this thought much time but it would feel nice to remember what it was like to be held by you. From what was 5 minutes turned into 5 hours and I went from almost half a decade of never thinking of you to everything all at once. I fell asleep that night replaying all these memories stuffed so far down inside me I didn’t even think I had them. To no surprise I didn’t sleep much that night. I woke up again the next day, again I had felt the same way but even stronger. I felt it consuming me. I told myself, ok you have 2 days to think about this and come back to reality. So that’s what I did. Thought about you. To no surprise again, I was getting less sleep than the night before. Last night I think I slept 1-2 hours.

Here I am with my eyes burning and letting my fingers take over my body. Each day I grow more anxious. This morning I woke up with my head over the toilet. I didn’t think I could ever feel like this again. The last time I felt like this was maybe 7 years ago? I didn’t think you could still make me feel like this. How do you do it? How do you still have the same effect on me as you did 12 years ago? I hadn’t even given you so much as a passing thought when a song came on or I drove past the old places we used to go to. I usually will think about you for no more than 5 seconds and go about my day. I would have dreams about you here and there. For years, they would come and go. Each time, waking up confused as to why was this happening. You know what they say though, if you dream of someone it means they are thinking about you. I knew no matter how much time passed I was always going to dream of you. I’m not sure if it’s because my subconscious thinks we have unresolved business or if we are connected in all these lifetimes.

But not once did I let you consume me. I had a great track record and I thought for a while what was a childhood crush was just that. How do you hold this power over me? How are we able to be silent for years and yet here I am feeling like a little kid. You make me feel like a teenage girl all over again. My stomach is turning and my mind can’t shut off. Why? My life is so wonderful and I’m content with the person I’m with. I mean what more can I ask for? He does everything I could need and more. I love my life now. So why is there still a burning hole in my heart where I once left space for you? Why is it taking over my entire body? Why do I feel unfulfilled without you here? Am I just feeling sad for us and our story? Do I just like the anonymity of you? My brain can’t shut off. I think we would be better friends now than ever.

You would think I’m so different all while being the same. I don’t even cry much. I haven't even cried about this at all. I don’t even remember the last time I cried besides two nights ago when I was sitting at a table with some friends sharing a story about my past and it made them laugh so hard we were silent and crying. I wish you could’ve seen that moment. I needed to laugh so hard I cried. I don’t even know how to explain what I’m like. Calm maybe? God I’m falling asleep writing this. I’ve been thinking about what you’re like now? Are you still the boy with the brightest smile in the room? What car do you drive? How is your gluten allergy? Is Minnie still around? I’d be devastated if not. What do you like to eat? What is your favorite color? Who are your friends? Did you go to school? Where do you work? Do you still call your mom Ma? What do you like to do in your free time?

I can piece some things together on my own. Your new girl looks beautiful and kind. I love seeing you happy. Usually this news would seem like something I’d feel sorrowful over. But I don’t even feel that at all. I feel at peace knowing you are in good hands. She really seems lovely. You’d probably make fun of me for being with someone younger than me. You and I both understand why we couldn’t be friends. It ruined too many of your lovers. I can’t help but feel responsible for the last 2 relationships of yours ending. I feel sad for those girls. I couldn’t stand myself for a while. I know what they had felt all too well. You would laugh at how my other relationship ended. But that’s another story for another time. One I would have to tell you in person.

We never got the timing right did we? We always seemed to just miss each other? As long as I’ve known you, you have been in the arms of another. Some of them are my friends, some of them complete strangers. I’ve always been preoccupied too I guess. It’s scary how similar we are sometimes. Yet so different. Here I am, silently celebrating you on your birthday every year. Don’t think I have once forgotten. I always have celebrated you and I always will. Whether you hear from me or not, I will always do that for you. 24. You are 24. That means I have known you for half your life, and each day after this is more than. As I sit here thinking about your 24 years of life, I think about what I remember about you.

What do you remember? Do you remember walking through our 7th grade English teachers classroom and locking eyes with me. What I would do to rewind time. Do you remember getting seated at the same table as me? Of course you struck up a conversation with me. I don’t even remember what it was about but it certainly made me laugh. We even got in trouble for talking too much. Do you remember laying your head in between my lap at lunch time and I’d run my hands through your hair? Do you remember falling asleep on FaceTime and lighting shit on fire and your mom coming in to yell at you? Do you remember us playing blink 182 on the computer in my room? Do you remember walking with me home most days and spending afternoons at my house even when you could ride your skateboard home and be home in a couple minutes. Or when we would go to our mutual friends house and we watched stupid movies like sharknado and you snuggled up behind me under the blankets? That became our routine. Walk home from school, get into my bed and cuddle while watching a show or movie.

Do you remember trying to hold my hand every time we left my front door? You just said “let’s hold hands” and at the time I didn’t think anything more of it. God how I was so naive looking back now. I was convinced you didn’t even like me a single bit considering all I ever saw you was with my friends or other girls. Do you remember getting up in the middle of the night trying to look for me to give me your sweat pants but I was at someone else’s house and they had locked me in a bathroom and took my pants? I tried explaining that, but I think I was under the influence. I apologize for being incoherent. You still continued to look for me as if I was home. You ended up falling asleep in your moms car and you were late to math class the next day waiting for a response from me. You walked up to me the next day in our school hallways trying to get answers and I said “don’t worry about it.” And I tried to walk past you but you grabbed my arm and spun me around to look you in the eyes to tell me “well I am going to worry about it because I care about you.” I think I just rolled my eyes and walked away.

Do you remember me making eggs for you on toast? You acted like it was the best thing you’ve ever tasted. I still think about you when I make eggs. Do you remember I left school for months. And one day you texted me “when are you coming back I miss you” and I said “tomorrow”. How did you know? This is why I think we are connected. I think you thought I was joking, but the next day I was in your very same class. We actually sat through that entire class without you realizing I was there. I just remained silent and watched you from the other side of the classroom. I remember the day I came back to school was the day there was a test assigned. I got up from my seat to turn it in to our teacher and I remember you sat right next to his desk. I said thank you to our teacher and you looked up and our eyes locked. You started giggling because you couldn’t believe it. I think I just said “I told you” and walked back to my seat.

Days passed and we were still friends. You were a shit head sometimes but nonetheless friends. Do you remember FaceTiming me and my friend and you were drinking. You both were flirting. You ended up showing her parts of you on the screen. Forgetting I was on the other side too. I remember you asking me one day if I had seen it. You looked nervous. I lied and said no. You laughed in relief and said “good.” I remember a rumor getting spread around that someone saw us kiss on the way home from school. God I have never felt more embarrassed because that could not be anything father from the truth. I remember being in Mr Hill's class and he overheard this and just kept encouraging us to be together. He goes “oh you are perfect for each other”. He loved to embarrass me. My cheeks turned red and I tried convincing him that you and I were just friends. He just kept teasing me about it. What did he know about us? Could he feel it too? I remember friends coming up to always ask if we were something, I would always laugh and deny these claims. Because again you were always with a girl. I don’t even think I knew I liked you at that moment. Do you remember leaving your jackets at my house? Somehow they never returned to you? I tried so many times and you kept leaving without it. I’ll be honest, I slept with it for a while.

I remember you telling me you were leaving to move to Oregon. I honestly thought you were joking and couldn’t even fathom a world without you here. I mean you were a big reason why I continued to go to that school. The days crept up too fast and you were leaving. I remember it was your last day. It was on Halloween I think or maybe a few days before. You texted me asking if I was still at school and I said yes and you told me where to meet you. I think I ran to you. You took the books from my hands and picked me up and spun me. You held me close to your chest and my legs were wrapped around you with my head nuzzled into your neck. Who knows what we said to each other. I can’t remember. All I remember is walking away and feeling the earth move beneath me. The feeling of missing you had never been stronger than that moment it seemed.

I remember the day you left. I counted down every second. I could tell the girl I was friends with at the time, had a crush on you. She could see the way you looked at me though. She became resentful towards me over time. She hated the fact that after all this time you still were thinking about me. She hated that you trusted me. She hated me out of jealousy. I could see and understand now how she was so insecure. She started bullying me, she told me you had left when you didn’t. I was upset she took time away from me with you. I don't think she could’ve stood to watch us hug again. She started making up lies and stories about me to make herself feel better about herself. I just let her. You can’t win a battle against someone who is constantly losing with themselves. She hated whenever she brought around a guy she liked, we ended up getting along better. I can see why she was so mean towards me now. I see why she felt threatened. At the time I didn’t understand. She made her friends throw crinkled up balls at me in the school hallway. She hated my effortless understanding of life and the people around me. She hated that I was always calm and quiet and she couldn’t stop being loud. It all makes sense now when I put together the pieces.

After you left I remember you were driving to Oregon I think. You texted me all these things. I thought you were being silly per usual. I remember you texting me “let’s just text each other like we are dating” and you said the cutest things to me. I giggled the whole time not thinking much of it. I continued to sleep with your jacket. It brought me comfort because it smelt like you. Eventually I had to wash it because I wore it too much. But I was so sad to no longer have that. Every now and then I come across a person who smells exactly like you, my memories of you will flood my head for those seconds. I remember you telling me not to worry for you would be back in the summer and for some holidays. Do you still come and visit ? Sometimes I pretend you are here for a few weeks in the summer secretly hoping I’d run into you or pull up to the same stop light and we would look over at each other and smile. I sometimes wish I could just see you in the flesh, I don’t even have to talk to you. To see you existing would be enough. I would think about all those times in middle school where you take photos of me. Do you still have those? I remember you sending me one of them years later and not believing you had kept that same photo on your phone. Do you remember when I went to New York and brought you and only you a present. You loved the giant Rice Crispy and the Statue of Liberty headband I gave you. You had the biggest smile. You said this was the best gift you had ever gotten. I don’t think at that moment you knew you were giving me the best gift I’ve ever received right back to me. Your happiness and your smile.

Do you remember seeing me in the food court of our local mall and running to pick me up and spin me? Why did we always do that? Do you remember you picking me up to hug you and I wrapped myself around you for the first time and telling me that was the best hug you’ve ever gotten? Time passed and the distance between us was even further. You were adjusting to your new life all while mine was crumbling in front of me. I left that little friend group. One girl had a crush on me and the other girl was mad at her for liking me. They would fight about me. In front of me. Again here she was jealous that another person close to her was more intrigued by me than her. I decided to remove myself as that friendship no longer served me and it felt like she kept me close to keep an eye on me. Time after time she liked all these boys and they just ended up liking me. I didn’t ask for that. But I couldn’t repair the damage she did when she took precious moments away from me when it came to you. That’s where I gave up. I eventually left that school once again. I had forgotten about my entire life there.

I met up with one of our old friends and she had asked me how you were. I told her I didn’t know because we didn’t talk. She was confused. She thought we were so close, I think she said something along the lines of “oh I always thought you two were good together” I said “really?” Shocked and confused. She said “yes you both have the same eyes.” I thought about that very sentence for months. I thought about that picture of you as a little boy in your baseball uniform. I think it was on a button if I can remember. Time passed and you were adjusting to your new life. I heard one person tell me you had a girlfriend. I didn’t think anything of it, just good for him. I hope he’s happy. More time passed and eventually you showed up in our hometown. I hadn’t heard from you in a while. You FaceTimed me one night to ask to see me and you were with those friends that I had left. I don’t think you knew what happened at least to the full extent. I could hear them in the background laughing and saying hurtful things and my heart sank further into my chest. I hung up. I remember texting you to please stop and what you did was very hurtful and to not contact me again. I had blocked you from my life.

I was relieved to be honest. I just wanted the past in the past and to get away from those people. I think after that a few months passed and I realized I had feelings for you I couldn’t deny. I told myself in a year from now, if I still felt how I did about you I would tell you. I mean I gave myself a whole year to let those feelings go and yet they only grew stronger each day. I remember one night I couldn’t take it anymore. I had been losing sleep like I am today. I had to tell you. So I did and I didnt know you had a girlfriend at that time but I know you had to let me down easily. You told me you always considered me to be a good friend and honestly I wasn’t sad or anything about that. I didn’t even want anything from it. I just wanted you to know so I didn’t live in regret forever. Honestly after that I felt so free. I felt a weight off of me and I hadn’t thought about you any day after that.

A few months pass by and summer comes around. I don’t think I even knew you were coming. I had gotten back from a friend's house and was about to go back out to teepee a neighbor's house with my sister and her friends. I received a phone call from you asking me if you wanted to hang out. I said yes, me and my sister and her friends were going out to teepee so you should come. You headed to my house. It’s like we picked up right where we left off. You were more quiet than usual though. I picked up on that. We were headed out the door when you said you had forgotten your shoes in my room. I said no worries and I’ll wait for you at the door. You told me to come with you, so I did. I remember you stood in front of me and just wrapped your entire body around me and hugged me for what seemed like a lifetime. At that moment time was standing still. I could feel how warm you were and what your heartbeat sounded like. I melted under your touch. You took me and we fell onto my bed. Just like old times.

I remember you closed your eyes and laid on me for a while. To be honest I was just happy to be near you. I wasn’t expecting anything at all. I thought you had fallen asleep. You started to move your head little by little. Your lips eventually made its way to match with mine and you locked yourself onto me. Do you remember unbuttoning my pants and shoving your hand down. We continued to make out and I felt you needed more. Do you remember getting in your car and driving to the park after you said you wanted to get out of here. Do you remember fucking me on that park bench? Do you remember coming to my house day after day and pinning me against the wall in my bedroom and biting my lip? Do you remember breathing heavily down my neck as you kissed it and bit on my earlobe? Do you remember making your lips down my torso to rip off my pants and throw me onto my bed? I remember you kissing in between my thighs and shoving your fingers in me. I remember you throwing me around my bed. The same one we had become friends in. You would pin me down and pull my hair. Do you remember choking me while slamming yourself against me? Do you remember pulling me up on you? You stood up and would fuck me in the mirror. You would put me down and bury my face into the mattress while you brought your hips to meet mine. Do you remember playing Pink Floyd on your brother's record player? Which you had left yet another piece of you at my house. Do you remember taking naps all summer afternoon? Do you remember going with my sister to the grocery store to pull me aside into an abandoned aisle to stick your hands down my pants and start fingering me?

Do you remember me sitting in the passenger seat of your dads Cadillac suv and holding my hands wherever we drove? Do you remember kissing me at all the red lights? Do you remember tracing my face with your fingertips lightly. I pretended I was asleep. Do you remember kissing my face for what seemed a billion little times. Do you remember driving to Malibu and we stopped on the side of the road to look at the sunset? You put me on your back and you ran down the sandy beach into what felt like a dream. Do you remember bringing me into your grandparents house on 32nd street I think and pushing me onto the bed to eat me out? Do you remember gently kissing me on the forehead and telling me you don’t know what you would do without me? Do you remember kissing me in the doorway each time you had to go back home? Do you remember taking me to the park by my house and laying me in your lap? I remember looking up at you, you were on your phone. You showed me something on your phone and a text popped up from a girl saying “I miss you”. I kept quiet because it honestly didn’t bother me but who am I to know who that was? My friends had suspicions and I had told them to check your finsta from my account to see if you had a girlfriend. I couldn’t bear to know what was the truth. I didn’t want to see it. I still can’t look at your social media to this day. So much time had passed from when I heard you had a girlfriend I didn’t want to create assumptions and think the worst. Part of me just wanted to hold on to this fairytale for a little while longer. My friend had looked at me and said “I’m not going to say anything to you because who knows if they broke up but it does look like he had/has a girlfriend”. And honestly I said whatever and ignored it. I wasn’t going to believe anything until I heard it from you. Does it make me a bad person that I honestly didn’t care if you did or didn’t? Eventually she came to town I guess? That’s ok I had plans of my own too.

I remember going to Palos Verdes and getting stuck in a situation where a guy had left a hickey on my neck. You seemed upset and fucked me harder than before and left more marks all over my body. I think you were trying to tell me that I was yours for that summer. I remember you picking me up one night and I snuck out and we drove to a quiet place in my neighborhood. You brought blankets and pillows and laid down the seats in the back of that suv. You laid out all the blankets and told me to hop over the seat. We just laid together. I remember you asking if I was real and how was I real? You said I was so perfect. You touched each body part as you described it. You said you didn’t believe it. One day you asked if I was wearing a bra under my shirt and I said no and you said that even your boobs sit perfectly. You just kept touching me and putting your hands all over me that night. Probably knowing it would be one of the last. You kept saying all these sweet things to me. Do you remember that pact you made with me when we were 12? That we would marry each other if both of us weren’t married when we were 30? I asked if you still remember saying that to me, you were the one who had set that plan up not me. I don’t remember your answer but I thought it was funny.

Eventually we ended up ripping each other's clothes off and falling asleep completely naked next to each other in the back of that car. The first and only night I got to spend with you. I set an alarm to wake me up so I could be back in my house without anyone noticing. I told you I was leaving and going to walk but you insisted on driving me. I know you were so tired you just went back to that spot in my neighborhood and fell asleep. To be honest no one checked on me that day so we could’ve spent the morning together too. I remember you eventually went back home and kept in contact. You confessed some things to me and told me “I don’t want you to think I would do something like that. That’s not me. But the only reason I cheated on my girlfriend was because it was you.” You begged me to understand you were not that person. I didn’t care anyways. That was the only time you spoke to me about her. You said you both had been fighting a lot and things weren’t getting better and that before you came to California you spent a lot of time thinking about me and then when you saw me you couldn’t help yourself. I laughed at your explanation. As if you owed me one. As if I deserved one. I think I just told you “it’s ok you don’t have to explain yourself” and we left it at that. We continued to talk and FaceTime. I don’t think we expected it to go anywhere but we did enjoy each other's company.

A couple weeks before you returned for thanksgiving you had texted me. You said you were so excited to be coming back and that you wanted to spend every day with me. You sounded so happy and excited. I wanted that too. I’ll admit I was hoping for that. I thought you were a man of his word. The day comes when you arrive here. I knew you were in town. I kept quiet but I was waiting for a phone call, a text, anything. Days keep passing. Not a word. You are posting videos of you drinking with your friend Joseph. I just didn’t understand. I understood not wanting to see me, I just didn’t understand why you would tell me you wanted to and act like it’s the one thing you’ve been dying to do. The night before you left you called me to see me. I got into your car. I was quiet. You were quiet. You drove us to the water. You picked me up and sat me on the railing. You put your body between my legs and held onto me. I don’t remember much conversation. You asked me “what are you thinking about” I just said “nothing”. How do I even begin to articulate what I was thinking? Part of me was just enjoying this embrace we shared knowing this felt like the end of something that never even started. Part of me was sad you were going home. Part of me wanted to see you again in the morning before you left. Part of me wanted to be frustrated. I loved you so much and I didn’t know how to say that I didn’t want to let this go. But I know I needed to and honestly a part of me was ok with that too. You picked me up off the railing and it started to rain. You put me in the backseat of your car and started making out with me. Shoving your tongue further and further down my throat. You hopped in the driver seat. You took the car to an abandoned alley and put the back seats down once again and laid out your blankets. You asked me to lay with you. Always listening to Pink Floyd. You wanted to do more. I couldn’t, it was my time of the month. You still didn’t care. I was just thinking where the hell will I put my tampon. We ended up making out. This felt more intense than ever. I started kissing your neck. I got on top of you. I kissed your face. Then your neck. Then your chest. Then your stomach. The lower I got the slower my kisses got. I remember you finishing in my mouth and telling me you have never finished harder in your life. I remember you dropping me off immediately after that. I felt used. I felt discarded. I still tasted you in my mouth. I immediately went to brush my teeth.

Thank god we never turned into anything. I was a shitty person then. You would’ve hated me forever. I eventually let go and turned to other people. God why does it feel like everything after you was a distraction. I ended up with shitty relationships. You ended up in a wonderful one. Days passed and I had other people to worry about. The next summer came around and I asked to see you. I can’t remember what we talked about, I'm assuming closure, I can’t remember a single thing I said to you. I remember needing to feel the relief again that I once felt when I had originally confessed my feelings to you. There I was with my stomach turning upside down and inside out. How can a single man I barely talk to do that to me? You have always made me weak. We went to dinner, but I couldn't eat. I was texting my boyfriend and you looked over and said “look at us texting our significant others'. I again, had no idea you had a girlfriend. I felt awful. I felt confused. Should I be here with you? I don’t remember much about that night except you asked to use my bathroom before you went back home. I said I had a letter for you. I know I gave it to you. But god do I feel so fucking stupid for doing that. I don’t even know what was in that letter. If you still have that please throw it away, that's so embarrassing. I don’t even know if I was coherent during that? What the fuck did I even have to say!! I can’t remember a single thing.

You went home and texted me saying thank you for the letter and asked to go to the beach the next day. We did that. We went in the water together. Not much happened. I went back to your house for you to shower and change and then you drove me back to mine. I’ve never felt more distant from you than those moments. We felt like strangers. I think I was ok though. I remember when you also met my ex boyfriend. It was so awkward I can’t even believe that’s a real story and that actually happened. I don’t even think you guys talked, we didn’t even talk. We were all just at Taylor’s house watching vines on tv. You came as quickly as you left. I must admit my ex hates me for doing that but I couldn’t help but laugh at that situation. I again wanna die from embarrassment. Time passes and you start talking to me again. You start getting close with me again. I suspected something had happened in your relationship. I believe from what she was telling our friends that you lied to her about me. I remember thinking, is he ok? Is she ok? Are you both ok? You kept talking to me. You asked me to come visit and we can go to Portland. Of course I would’ve, I would’ve walked to you if you wanted me to. You grew close with me again. I must admit I felt satisfied.

More time passes and it seems as if you were back with her again. I didn’t get sad, I was just happy I could help you fulfill any moment of loneliness. I think you always knew I’d be there no matter what. I couldn’t say the same for you. I’m not even sure why you wanted to see me or how we even made these plans for all 3 of us to go get boba. But that happened. I paid for all of us. I loved seeing you happy. I felt content. She was lovely too, I think despite you we actually would’ve been good friends. Somehow we made it back to your house, after that long and awkward car ride. I must say she didn’t seem thrilled to hear me speak or talk to me. I was honestly wanting and willing to put all of that shit behind me and just be both of your friends. I wanted to get along. But I understand she didn’t want me there and 3s a crowd. I can’t even imagine how she must’ve felt. I felt sad for her. I wanted to cheer her up and let her know she had nothing to worry about. She seemed hostile towards me so I just kept quiet to get through the night. We were all on your couch with more of our friends and your brother and his friends. There was a small group of people there. I kept to myself most of the time. You came over to me for a little to talk but not much about.

Your brother and I made eye contact and he came over to talk to me. We struck up a good conversation and we shared a few smiles and laughs. I honestly thought you were so invested into your own conversations I didn’t even think you noticed the one I was having with your brother. I eventually just wanted to leave and called an Uber to go home. I told you I was headed back home and you went up to say goodbye to me. You gave me a hug and whispered in my ear “if you ever screw my brother I will never forgive you” I just looked at you like wtf. Why would I ever do that or want to? I didn’t even think about that. Why did you care even if I wanted to? You were with a lovely girl. Anyways I was on my way back home and I guess you made your way into the bedroom with your girlfriend. You kept snapchatting me asking as to where I went and to come back. I think you were drinking. While you were naked in bed with your girlfriend. You kept asking me to come back. I kept politely declining. You ended up sending me a picture of her tit??? I’ve never been more confused. I think I just laughed and went to bed.

Again more time passes between us. Those guys at your house that night ended up trying to talk to me over Instagram, I thought it was funny. How every man in that room seemed to want me except the one I wanted. Days, weeks, months pass by. You’re in town again. Do you remember coming to YardHouse where I was having dinner with my friend? We all somehow ended up at your place once again. With every one of my friends. Every girl showed up. You were the only guy. You kept to yourself. But god I couldn’t feel more sorry for the girl you were with. Why was I the only person in that room considering her feelings? Did she know? I felt awful. I wanted to give her a hug. Did she know what you were doing when she wasn’t around? You played music and got up to dance, you made me dance with you in the living room. I couldn’t help but giggle at this. I loved dancing with you. I went home again and your lover returned. I’m not sure about the timeline here but you asked me to hang out one night and I drove over to your house. The first time I had had my own car to do so. We ended up picking up our friend that you had no idea I knew too. You asked me how I knew everyone. The answer is idk. Or we just are the same and draw to the same people. We all got along. We went back to your place. It was honestly fun. I found out that day that she had kissed you too. When I left that summer to go to Arizona you ended up making out with her. I honestly found it funny and made a joke about being Eskimo sisters and she goes woah. We didn’t go that far. She just looked at me and asked if we fucked , I stayed silent and looked at you not knowing if you wanted people to know and you jumped in eagerly to say yes. I felt like you were proud of that. I didn’t tell anyone. Not a single soul from our hometown. She looked at both of us and said we would be cute together. I was so far past thinking anything like that I just shook my head.

Funnily enough your girlfriend called at that moment. You told us to be quiet. We both stared at each other and laughed and were whispering like wtf? I was having fun, I must say. Your girlfriend was coming in from the airport I believe and you were going to pick her up. Our friend asked why we had to be quiet? You said because she didn’t like us and especially me? I was so confused. Our friend chimes and asks why she wouldn’t like me? You had told her “just look at her. She’s beautiful.” I had never heard that come out of your mouth. Our friend had agreed. She admitted when I started going to our school she saw me in the hallways and thought I was beautiful too. I smiled. I was also sad for your girlfriend again. Were we together and you hid it from her? She had no idea? She probably still doesn’t. I felt like I was doing something wrong. Eventually our friend had to leave. She said her goodbyes and for once in many years we were alone in a room together again.

I left shortly after. When I went to say goodbye I expected a light hug. Knowing it was wrong for us to be in the same room alone for too long. As I went in for our hug you held me for a while. You picked me up and squeezed me as tight as you could. For a long time. I remember time was standing still once again and I remembered what it was like to feel the warmth of your body and your heartbeat that sounded like my favorite familiar song. I think you pulled back and just looked at me. I felt like you wanted more but again you were hard to read. I said “see you in a few years”, making a joke knowing we didn’t really see each other often and when we did it was short. I was trying to make light of our silly little friendship. Not knowing the next time I would see you. Knowing our interactions are few and far in between. Had I known that was the last time I was going to see you for a long time I might’ve held onto that hug a little longer.

A year or two passes by and you come back to town. I remember being just a street over from your house and you asked “hey I’m in Newport for the week if you want to hang. No worries if not I get it.” I remember seeing that text pop up on my screen and instantly my heart started beating. My eyes went wide. It was really the first time you texted me. You usually call. Were you scared to hear my voice? This felt formal. I like to hear from you. I like the idea of you thinking of me. I like you going out of your way to see me. I slept on it, because I didn’t know what I wanted to say. Once again I didn’t know if you were still with the same girl. Did she know you wanted to see me? Was there going to be a bunch of people again? Honestly all I wanted was quality time but you always brought other people around. I understand now why. Maybe it made you feel less guilty for seeing me. Maybe it was hard not to say what we were thinking. I just kept thinking. What did you want to do? Where did you want to go? Again we always missed each other in timing. I had just gotten out of a relationship and back into one. I owed it to him to give this relationship a chance. One where I didn’t feel guilty. Knowing my feelings for you never fully goes away. I just shove them so far down my body that I accept your friendship as a compromise. Being your friend was good enough. If I couldn’t have you, I wanted someone else to.

I just wanted to be able to see you happy. So I couldn’t. Part of me thought oh we are just going to hang out for an hour with a bunch of people so why even bother. It’s not quality time. I couldn’t risk an hour with you to feel a lifetime of guilt with this new person I was with. I didn’t want to lie to him either and I certainly didn’t want to tell the truth about you either. I can’t lie. I can’t lie to people, I’m so goddamn bad at it everyone sees right through me. I contemplated it the whole night. Ultimately I told you I couldn’t and I was busy. Which I was busy. But to be honest for you I drop everything. That’s the last time we spoke. I so badly just wanted you to cave in and respond “pleasseeeeeee” but I know that’s not you. I probably would’ve caved at some point. I can’t help but to think now what we would’ve done and how that would’ve played out. I looked different. My teeth were different. My clothes, my hair, my skin, my everything. Would we still be talking now if I said yes? Would you still be in my life or would it have ultimately lead to our silence. We were always good at that. Silence. Silence is very loud, I’ve learned that now.

To be honest if I saw you today I’m not sure if I would even want to talk. I’d probably just want to be silent and enjoy your company. But as I sit here and reflect on your life and how I got to be apart of it. It’s not even the moments where we were undressed together that I felt the most intimate with you. It’s the moments where you would take my hand and flip it open and kiss the palms of my hand. Or how you would protect me when we were walking on the side of the road. Or how clumsy I am and how I would fall and you were so quick to catch me. Or how I accidentally bled on your pants oh my god that’s still so embarrassing. Or how I can’t even think around you, I get flustered, I sound like an idiot. There’s so many things. How did I store this all in my head? Do you still smell like Fiji? I can’t even remember what your voice sounds like. I don’t even know where that one photo of us went? Did I give it to you? Did I throw it away? I donated your jackets and threw away my journals. Oh how it would be funny to reread my thoughts about you when I was 12. Do you have the Pink Floyd record or do I still have it somewhere? I remember buying it. I remember picking it out in Northern California on a street market on a Wednesday in the summer. How did I still feel this way about you after knowing all the skeletons in your closet? I know so much shit that you have done and usually that’s enough for me to be uninterested in someone. But you are somehow different. I just want more.

Sometimes I wish I could just call you, I wish I could write you a letter. I don’t even know where you live. I don’t think I want to. I don’t write any more. This is the first thing I’ve written in 4 years. I haven’t played any of my instruments. I haven’t drawn or painted a single thing. I’m going to be honest, I haven't even listened to music since last week. Maybe I’m just too busy or maybe I just know those outlets make me feel something I didn’t want to anymore. I remember you sitting in front of my drawings I put under the window seal of my wall that first summer. You asked me “what do these mean to you?” I think you know what they meant but I responded with “nothing I just drew them.” You look frustrated. You looked like you wanted an explanation.

I’m coming to Bend soon and other parts of Oregon. Not for you but my friends that have a house there. My other friends are getting married and moving there too. I have a feeling I’ll be spending more time there. Sometimes I wish you would come back and show up at my door and just give me a hug. Sometimes I wish I received a letter or a text from you. I still live in the same place. We remodeled. It looks different and I’m in a different room. But these corners of this house haunt me with memories of you. I still sleep on the same bed and mattress we had fallen asleep on over the past decade. I didn’t realize that till last night. Sometimes I stare at my phone screen hoping a notification would pop up from you once more. Sometimes I wish you would call and leave a message, I’m asleep usually past 12. I think you would really like my life now. I don’t even think you are reading this. I don’t even think you remember what this page is. I don’t even think we would be good together right now either. I’m hoping you come back to this page. Whether it’s now or in 5 years from now when we pinky promised to marry each other when we are 30 if we are still single. Whether it’s in 10 years or even 50.

Your friendship has brought me glorious technicolor to even the darkest days. And no matter who you are with, what you are doing and where you are. I will always, completely, utterly, and hopelessly be in love with you

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kittencrewtkc · 11 months ago

Note

Yuuki all

Emi all

Guess this is revenge huh??

1: The last person you kissed screams they love you, you say…

Yuuki: i love you too

Emi: and i love you

2: Did you get to sleep in today?

Yuuki: uh yeah

Emi: no not really!

3: You never know what you got until you lose it?

Yuuki: and... what is the question? Is this a fucking joke?

Emi: isn't that a quote from something?

4: Do you have siblings?

Yuuki: no i don't

Emi: yes 4 of them!

5: How many kids do you want?

Yuuki: no more. I have all i need

Emi: 3 maybe

6: Who was the last person you held hands with?

Yuuki: i think it was Tama

Emi: dai!

7: Did you stand on your tippy-toes for your last kiss?

Yuuki: no he was sitting

Emi: yes i did

8: Do you think if you died, the last person you kissed would care?

Yuuki: he would break down

Emi: yes he would!

9: Last person to talk on the phone?

Yuuki: uh it was my mom

Emi: daddy!

10: Did anyone watch you the last time you kissed someone?

Yuuki: other than the cats no

Emi: no

11: When’s your birthday?

Yuuki: 8th february

Emi: april 13th

12: Remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed?

Yuuki: it was 4 or 5 years ago at a club where i did burlesque.

Emi: oh yeah i do!

13: What kind of phone do you have?

Yuuki: iphone

Emi: samsung

14: Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants?

Yuuki: right now none of that

Emi: i am wearing a skirt

15: Are you a different person now than you were 5 years ago?

Yuuki: for sure am

Emi: well no i don't think so

16: What were you doing at 4 am?

Yuuki: uh... answering this

Emi: same as papa

17: Would you rather write a paper or give a speech?

Yuuki: give a speech

Emi: paper

18: Are you lying to yourself about something?

Yuuki: well that's a tricky question. I would say no.

Emi: nope

19: Last night you felt…?

Yuuki: lonely and a bit sad

Emi: happy and excited!

20: What’s something you cannot wait for?

Yuuki: for a choice

Emi: have a baby

21: Ever told your parents you were going somewhere but when somewhere different?

Yuuki: no i was boring

Emi: no i never had to

22: How many hours of sleep did you get last night?

Yuuki: already answered

Emi: 7

23: Are you a morning or night person?

Yuuki: already answered

Emi: morning

24: What did you get your last bruise from?

Yuuki: already answered

Emi: dai

25: Do you reply to all of your texts?

Yuuki: already answered

Emi: yes i do!

26: Your phone is ringing. It’s the person you fell hardest for. What do you do?

Yuuki: already answered

Emi: answer of course!

27: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?

Yuuki: already answered

Emi: no~

28: Anyone you would like to get things straight with?

Yuuki: already answered

Emi: not really

29: How many months until your birthday?

Yuuki: already answered

Emi: 3

30: Favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?

Yuuki: already answered

Emi: pancakes!

31: Did you like this past summer?

Yuuki: it was amazing

Emi: yeah it was fun

32: What were you doing before you got on the computer?

Yuuki: i am not on computer

Emi: me neither

33: Your ex is sitting next to you, with their new partner. What do you do?

Yuuki: i would love to say that i am hapoy for them but i would probably just leave.

Emi: i don't have an ex

34: What is the last thing you said out loud?

Yuuki: bye

Emi: dinner is ready

35: Your mood summed into one work?

Yuuki: i guess you mean word... fine

Emi: great!

36: Are you doing anything else besides taking this survey?

Yuuki: questioning my existence

Emi: listening to music

37: What are your initials?

Yuuki: YS

Emi: ES

38: Are you a happy person?

Yuuki: generally yes

Emi: yes i am

39: Do you still talk to the person you liked 4 months ago?

Yuuki: yes. Almost every day

Emi: yes!

40: Where do you want to live when your older?

Yuuki: in a cozy beach house

Emi: i haven't thought about that but the forest

41: Have you had your birthday this year?

Yuuki: no

Emi: no

42: What did you do yesterday?

Yuuki: i worked

Emi: i was working

43: What will you be doing tomorrow?

Yuuki: finishing work

Emi: i don't know

44: How late did you stay up last night?

Yuuki: still haven't gone to bed

Emi same

45: Is there anyone you would do anything for?

Yuuki: yes! My kids and my family

Emi: my family

46: Is it hard to make you laugh?

Yuuki: no

Emi: not really

47: Do you believe ex’s can be just friends?

Yuuki: yes

Emi: it depends on how it ended

48: Do you think any of your exes will eventually want to be with you again?

Yuuki: i hope so? Maybe in the future

Emi: i don't have one

49: How many people have you had feelings for in the year of 2012?

Yuuki: one. My ex husband

Emi: i... wasn't born

50: Do you wish your ex was dead?

Yuuki: no hell no

Emi: what no???

51: Have you ever dyed your hair?

Yuuki: many times

Emi: no

52: Would ever take back someone that cheated?

Yuuki: it depends on the situation

Emi: no

53: Was New Year’s Even enjoyable?

Yuuki: .... is this a joke? No fuck no.

Emi: yes it was!

54: Bet you’re missing someone right now?

Yuuki: i am starting to get annoyed.

Emi: uh no

55: How would your parents react if you got a tattoo?

Yuuki: have one and they don't mind

Emi: they wouldn't care

56: Sleep on your back or stomach?

Yuuki: stomach

Emi: back

57: If you could move away, no questions asked, where would it be ?

Yuuki: i would be happy where i live

Emi: maybe brazil

58: What would you change about your life right now?

Yuuki: i would love to have tama back.

Emi: a baby

59: Has anything upset you in the past week?

Yuuki: yeah 3 people

Emi: nope

60: Are you on the phone?

Yuuki: yes

Emi: yes

61: Today, would you rather go forward a week or back?

Yuuki: forward

Emi forward

62: Would you take $40,000 or a brand new car?

Yuuki: none of it. No need

Emi: the money

63: Have you ever talked to someone when they were high?

Yuuki: yes

Emi: no

64: Ever cried while you were on the phone with someone?

Yuuki: yes

Emi: no

65: Have you ever copied someone elses homework?

Yuuki: no

Emi: no

66: Are you the type of person who liks to be out or at home?

Yuuki: at home

Emi: out

67: Do you automatically check your phone when you wake up?

Yuuki: no

Emi: yes

68: Have you ever stayed up all night on the phone?

Yuuki: no

Emi: no

69: Could you use some sleep right now?

Yuuki: yeah once this shit is over

Emi: not really

70: Are you going to have a baby by the time you’re 18?

Yuuki: i am over 18

Emi: older than 18

71: Does it bother you when someone hides things from you?

Yuuki: oh it is a fucking pet peeve

Emi: yes

72: What’s your favorite color?

Yuuki: purple

Emi: green

73: Have you ever slept in the same room with someone you liked?

Yuuki: yes

Emi: yes

74: Have you ever been looking for something and it was already in your hand?

Yuuki: no

Emi: no

75: Do you get annoyed easily?

Yuuki; no

Emi: no

76: If someone liked you, would you want them to tell you?

Yuuki: yes i would

Emi: of course!

77: Do you have a person of the opposite sex that you can tell everything to?

Yuuki: my mom

Emi: dai

78: Does anyone call you babe?

Yuuki: not anymore

Emi: yes

79: How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?

Yuuki: my mom

Emi: 4

80: What do you prefer, relationship or one night stand?

Yuuki: relationship

Emi: relationship

81: What color hoodie did you wear last?

Yuuki: black

Emi: lavender

82: Is there someone who meant alot to you at one point, and isn’t around anymore?

Yuuki: yes

Emi: no

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iviarellereads · 11 months ago

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The Eye of the World, Chapter 13 - Choices

(THIS PROJECT IS SPOILER FREE! No spoilers past the chapter you click on. Curious what I'm doing here? Read this post! For the link index and a primer on The Wheel of Time, read this one! Like what you see? Send me a Ko-Fi.)

(Staff icon) In which the farm boys think that's a city.

Moiraine relieves the humans' fatigue, they sleep an hour, and Rand wakes feeling like he's had 3 days' rest. The journey to Baerlon takes another week. On the way they ride well around any settlements, though once they catch sight of a farm, and Mat insists it must be different from the farms in the Two Rivers somehow, just because they're north of the Taren, while Perrin insists it looks just the same. Rand can't decide between the two positions.

Lan uses the evening stops for basic combat training. They're all deft with bows, but he points out that a bow is useless in close quarters. He teaches Perrin and Rand some basics of how to use their weapons more effectively, and when he tells Rand to empty his mind, Rand asks if he means the flame and the void, the trick his father taught him to help with archery. Lan gives him "an unreadable look", but moves quickly past the subject and on to another.(1)

Egwene talks and trains with Moiraine in the evenings, away from the men. One morning, she unbraids her hair to brush it, and then doesn't braid it back up again. Rand confronts her about it. He says she's waited her whole life to be allowed to braid her hair, and now she's giving it up so quickly. Egg points out that Aes Sedai don't braid their hair unless they want to.

Rand says she's not Aes Sedai, she's still Egwene al'Vere of Emond's Field, and the Women's Council would be no end of upset if they saw her now. Egwene says she WILL be Aes Sedai when she gets to Tar Valon. Rand asks if she wants to be a Darkfriend that badly, and Egwene asks if he thinks Moiraine is a Darkfriend. The argument goes on another few exchanges until Lan chides them both for being so loud.(2)

Two nights later, the trio are discussing maybe not going to Tar Valon, maybe turning south after they reach Caemlyn, seeing Illian, or maybe going further. Perrin asks what's so special about Illian, and Mat's in the middle of saying it's not full of Aes Sedai when Moiraine and Egwene return from their training session. Moiraine is angry, and asks if they've forgotten Winternight already.

"Whatever the Dark One wants, I oppose, so hear this and know it true. Before I let the Dark One have you, I will destroy you myself."(3)

Another night, Rand sneaks off from camp to eavesdrop on the women's training session. The conversation leads Moiraine to slip and say that she's sure two women from a single small village haven't had access to the Power in a very long time. Egwene is shocked and demands to know to whom else Moiraine refers. Moiraine says "her road lies another way", and to forget she said it.(4)

Egwene's question before that was about whether it was just the men who had broken the world, or all Aes Sedai. Moiraine tells her that the men were insane, not evil, but becoming Aes Sedai doesn't change who a person is, if they're kind or cruel, strong or weak willed. Egwene blurts out that she was worried that access to the Power might change her, and asks all in a rush why the Trollocs were in Emond's Field. Moiraine's eyes swing right around to Rand's hiding place. Rand tries to sneak back off, and fears he made too much noise, but Moiraine gives no indication she knew he was there.

The journey continues on. One day, as Mat is showing off his juggling, as Thom's been giving them lessons in entertaining along the way as well as Lan's combat training, they all spot Baerlon. It's the biggest city any of them have ever seen, bigger than they really had framework to imagine. Thom is dismissive of their gawping.(5)

Moiraine warns them not to mention Trollocs or Myrddraal, and not even to think of the Dark One, within the city walls. She tells them the false name she uses in Baerlon, and tells them not to draw too much attention.(6)

They make their way into the city of Baerlon, learning from the gatekeeper that some of the Children of the Light are in the city.(7) The Children hate Aes Sedai as much as they hate Darkfriends. Their excuse is fighting the evil raised by the war in Ghealdan, but that's far south of Baerlon, they're just marching around and trying to intimidate honest folk.

The gatekeeper also tells them that this Dragon claimant in Ghealdan is moving his army (which he's calling the People of the Dragon) toward Tear, in the southeast. As they leave his earshot, Rand asks Thom why Tear is important. The Karaethon Cycle, a set of prophecies about the Dragon, says that the Stone of Tear, the fortress that guards the city, will never fall until the People of the Dragon come to the Stone, and the Stone will never fall until the Sword That Cannot Be Touched is wielded by the Dragon's hand. Thom doesn't know what the Sword is or why it can't be touched, though he knows it's somewhere inside the Stone.(8)

Rand asks why the prophecy seems so impossible, and Thom says a prophecy easily fulfilled is hardly worth making. Then they arrive at their destination, an inn called the Stag and Lion.

=====

(1) Even more suspicious than usual outta this guy. It's definitely the same thing, right? Well, have a look, too, at how he's been using "sheepherder", almost affectionately. At first it was more of a mean nickname, and now he's using it in camaraderie. And, however gruff, "I can't make you a blademaster in an hour but you're promising enough, I might be able to stop you hurting yourself" is practically a compliment. (2) Bickering like an old married couple much? Certainly, fighting as only two who know each other too well can. But, it IS a big deal that she's giving up this sign of her home. Especially after the Ravens prologue, we know what a big deal it is to her to be considered an adult. Now, she's giving up that symbol, why? Because she wants to get used to it before she arrives so she won't stand out? (3) What was it said a few chapters ago about Aes Sedai never lying, but not always telling the full truth plainly? These words don't leave much room for interpretation. (4) How odd. It's not like we met many other women in town, especially not women who could be referred to as "girls". Though, I suppose Moiraine did call Nynaeve "child" when they first met, so perhaps her sense of age is a bit skewed. (5) If you grew up in a village you thought of as a large community, seeing a place where your village could fit several times over is gonna feel huge, Thom, c'mon now. (6) Now, why would she use a false name in Baerlon, but give the Two Rivers what seems to be her real one? Perhaps so that they might trust her better when they learn that she wasn't lying to them. It's a calculated risk. Still, funny that she'd choose "Alys", like Alice Through the Looking Glass. And if you combine it with "Andra", you could almost make it "Alexander" (7) The Children of the Light are a very interesting lot, but we don't know enough about them yet for me to comment further. I will say, the evil of human choice is not necessarily dependent on the evil of an actual satan/devil figure in our world or Rand's, and there are many evils in this fictional world that have nothing to do with the Dark One, despite that he is a real influence on events. (8) The Karaethon Cycle/Prophecies of the Dragon will come up a lot, since as we've already established, Rand is definitely the Dragon Reborn. So, in this tidbit, there's a Sword That Cannot Be Touched inside a Stone. Are you sick of Arthur references yet? You have to admit, it's an interesting twist on the expectation, since the Stone is a fortress, not a physical single rock, as far as we're told. And, it's not the Sword to be pulled from the stone, but a Sword that can't be touched. How can you wield a sword without touching it? So many questions to be answered.

#wheel of time #wot #the wheel of time #twot #the eye of the world #eye of the world #eotw #teotw #wot staff icon #rand al'thor #moiraine damodred #lan mandragoran #egwene al'vere #thom merrilin #mat cauthon #perrin aybara #gatekeeper avin #innkeeper fitch #mutch

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girltomboy · 1 year ago

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70 horrible questions answer game

Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

I'm on good terms with my mom rn, but my dad and I are estranged. I haven't seen him in like 4 years and he doesn't really answer my messages anymore. My overall relationship with my family in general is usually fine but sometimes strained because of... well, generational trauma. I'm not particularly close with anyone in my family, not in a family way at least

2. Who did you last say "I love you" to?

My partner

3. Do you regret anything?

I don't, I rarely feel regret per se, I don't wish anything had happened differently simply because I think it's a waste of time. I mean, I probably have minor/petty gripes with how certain things went for me, but I don't dwell

4. Are you insecure?

I used to be very insecure, but I've grown a lot in my mid 20s. I'm way past that phase of my life, obviously I recognize I still have to work on myself regarding certain aspects, but I'm also aware and proud of my progress

5. What is your relationship status?

Sorry but saying "I'm taken" makes me feel like a high school student, whereas "partnered" makes me feel 50. There has to be a middle ground in the English language

6. How do you want to die?

I dunno, old age probably.

7. What did you last eat?

A clementine

8. Played any sports?

I used to play volleyball in middle + high school, and after that there hasn't been a single opportunity for me to play an organized sport as an adult. I miss playing team sports, but idk how to go about that now :(

9. Do you bite your nails?

My nails have always been rock hard, and trying to bite them is really hard and a bit painful for my teeth, so that's a habit I've thankfully just never been able to pick up. But I do eat the skin around them, for my daily protein intake

10. When was your last physical fight?

Probably middle school, feels a little sad to think that one day I had my last physical fight and didn't know I wasn't gonna do that anymore

11. Do you like someone?

Well, my boyfriend and I are my favorite people

12. Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

No, I don't think I've ever made it that long. I think I did stay up 24 hours though, probably in college, but barely

13. Do you hate anyone at the moment?

Not really a specific person, maybe some upper management at my job but I think that pertains more to capitalism in general rather than an individual

14. Do you miss someone?

I miss A LOT of people all the time! My boyfriend, my grandma, my late grandma, my best friend, my college friends, my college professors, my high school teachers, my high school classmates, my middle school classmates, my primary school teachers- I could sit here and write paragraphs about all of them individually.

15. Have any pets?

Not where I currently live, but my grandma and I share joint custody with a dog of 9 years <3

16. How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

I have a headache, I'm thirsty, and I can't wait to go to bed. But I'm relaxed and feeling satisfied after a super productive gaming night

17. Ever made out in the bathroom?

Which bathroom? I've definitely made out with my bf in my bathroom lol but not any other bathrooms as far as I can remember right now

18. Are you scared of spiders?

Not really, but I do squash them sometimes

19. Would you go back in time if given the chance?

Temporarily yes, but I wouldn't want to teleport back in time and relive years or decades all over again. Maybe hang out in the past for a few days and then go back to my current life, because I'm sure I'd want to come back eventually

20. Where was the last place you snogged someone?

My hallway, saying goodbye to my bf

21. What are your plans for this weekend?

Just like every weekend: absolutely nothing :) sleep in (but not too much), make breakfast (or lunch), clean around my apartment, play video games, get stoned, read, just stuff I usually do at home. The options are endless

22. Do you want to have kids? How many?

No, I don't want any. In another life perhaps, I'd want a daughter

23. Do you have piercings? How many?

No 😭 I'm such a coward, I was seriously considering getting a nose piercing, but I chickened out & gave up on the idea when I googled what it looks like without the actual piercing in, and realized the hole is too visible and it's just permanently there forever! Even if it closes. So now I feel like a septum is the only viable option for me, but it's gonna take at least another year until I gather the courage to even start considering it lol, in conclusion: zero

24. What were your best subjects?

In high school I was a linguistics nerd and absurdly good at geography. I also had fun in P.E.

25. Do you miss anyone from your past?

See answer number 14 😭 I probably miss my late grandma the most out of everyone who isn't in my life anymore. Cause I feel like we didn't spend enough time together even though she raised me for years, and she just knew nothing about me as a young adult, as the woman she raised.

26. What are you craving right now?

A room temperature glass of water and some crisp seedless grapes

27. Have you ever broken someone's heart?

No idea if it was ever that serious, I did "reject"? Some people in my life lol but I don't know if they suffered over it and resent me or if it was a shrug and move on type of situation

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

I had some iffy moments when I was in a long-distance relationship with an American girl as a teenager, like really questionable and odd. But I think I was too naive to make a big deal out of them, or I didn't have the words to speak up

29. Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

Unfortunately I think yes, same girl from the previous answer. I'll never know though.

30. What's irritating you right now?

Right now as in right now now nothing lol but right now as in nowadays I think I'm put off by insecurity and excessive self pity. Like wallowing and stuff. Not to say I never do that, but the place I'm in currently just doesn't have enough space for that. It denotes too much self absorption and not enough self awareness and thinking beyond yourself. Though when I encounter people who struggle with that I'm sympathetic and patient, it's just something I used to see in myself a lot and now that I've moved past that phase I see it more clearly

31. Does somebody love you?

A lot of people do in many different ways

32. What is your favorite color?

It changes often, but right now I'm drawn to browns and nudes.

33. Do you have trust issues?

I think I was born with them, but I've been working on myself and improving. I think a certain level of skepticism is necessary and healthy, though

34. Who/what was your last dream about?

Last night I had a really weird chain of dreams, like my yard at home looked different, it was as if I was actually living in my neighbor's home and had their yard. And then there was this chain-link fence that separated my yard from the neighbors', and in the dream it freaked me out a little that they could just see us through the fence, but some voice reassured me that they were nice and harmless. Then I started being more confident walking around my yard, and there was so much green, like trees and climbing plants all over the fence, and grass, and so much shade. Then it was like I was living elsewhere, and like my parents house had this long winding staircase that went up into some kind of tower, where I have a faint idea that there were human remnants? Or something like that. And it was kinda freaking me out, and I think something about the couch in my grandma's room. And my bf was there too, maybe we were talking on a bench in the forest about all this. I've been trying to piece back together a clear image of this dream, but not very successfully.

35. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

It's probably my boyfriend, although that hasn't happened in a long time. I wanna say it's been too long for it to be my boyfriend, maybe it was my work friend? I remember getting emotional when she was telling me about this other coworker's personal problems one time when we went out for wine, like I had no idea she had stuff weighing her down.

36. Do you give out second chances too easily?

Second yes, probably too easily. Third, maybe not. It really depends, but usually not. Second chances I do give out shamelessly

37. Is it easier to forgive or forget?

Oh, it's definitely easier to forgive. You forgive someone for them or for yourself, it's a choice to make. You have no choice in forgetting

38. Is this year the best year of your life?

It's only been a week of it, can I give it some more time? 😭 So far, not really, but it's an unfair assessment to make rn. It still has time to become that! Hopefully it can become the best year of my life so far, not of my entire life, I'm not even 30 yet.

39. How old were you when you had your first kiss?

22 years old

40. Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

Outside in the world, on the street, no. Not even at the beach. I did use to walk in my yard with no clothes on when I was little. It was my way of unwinding after kindergarten. I used to pee standing up 😭

51. <- the questions actually go from 40 to 51 and then continue like that?? 😭 I only just noticed omg Favorite food?

This is sending me lmaooo UM I've been craving my grandma's meatballs and sauce for days now (I was on a walk and literally smelled it in the air randomly) probably not my #1 favorite food ever, but it's a food I'm never not in the mood for.

52. Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

I never know what people mean when they say that. Does it mean for a reason, as in part of a big plan? Like the biblical Plan that god has for us? I don't believe people are given their own cross to carry from birth to death

53. What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night.

I did go to bed last night eventually, and before sleeping I put on moisturizer, said goodnight to my bf and put on an asmr video from this girl I found on youtube who actually understands asmr (there are very very few asmr creators that really understand it)

54. Is cheating ever okay?

I think being the victim of cheating is what ultimately fucks up an overwhelming lot of people, so I can't give it any justification

55. Are you mean?

Probably sometimes, I never try to be though

56. How many people have you fist fought?

A regular bunch, maybe less than 5 in total, if we're not counting fist fighting the same person several times

57. Do you believe in true love?

Sure I do, if I'm capable of it then someone else has to be too, right?

58. Favorite weather?

Whatever the hell there's in the air during spring months, crisp air, warm breeze, sunlight fresh like the skin after a scab falls off.

59. Do you like the snow?

I grew up with heavy winters and shoveling/sweeping the snow off the sidewalk and in our yard, and I've experienced too much of its cold powers to "like" it. But I can't deny there's something magical about it. As I grow older I fear it less, it's a bit incredible that this is happening to me.

60. Do you wanna get married?

Not legally, but I wouldn't be opposed to a symbolic, unofficial ceremony. Just some vows and rings and a pretty place, and some close friends. Maybe the official part can happen when I'm older, like a formality like writing your will or something.

61. Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

I mean if we're dating sure, my bf and I call each other baby all the time. Huge no for strangers though lol

62. What makes you happy?

And that orange, it made me so happy, As ordinary things often do Just lately. The shopping. A walk in the park. This is peace and contentment. It’s new.

63. Would you change your name?

I like my name, and am attached to it, having been assigned it by my mother, grown up with it and everything. I've always had this modest list in the back of my head of names I wished I'd been given. Never wrote it down or anything, but it's there and not stagnant lol. But I don't think I'd ever change it for real

64. Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

My bf is easy to kiss, I'd be having a great time

65. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

I have been in this situation many times, but not with best friends. It probably depends on our dynamic, but if I like them back then I'd seize the opportunity to confess as well. I'm open to love, friends to lovers is how I got into my relationship

66. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

Most of my male friends, yeah. Most of my friends, actually. I don't tend to hold myself back if I know the people I'm with don't either.

67. Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

These opposite sex questions are sendingg meee 😭😭😭 my bf before he went to take a bath

68. Who's the last person you had a deep conversation with?

My friends on discord probably, or my boyfriend. I actually can't wait to reunite with my work friend and have some talks with her, just about stuff.

69. Do you believe in soulmates?

Sure yeah, I know anyone can connect with anyone, but I think for every person there's a few people that they connect with on a different level. Like I think some people can really see inside you, and the other way round.

70. Is there anyone you would die for?

I honestly don't think anyone's life is more precious than mine (or the other way round). I think that would be too painful

#this set of high school curious cat ask fm ass questions 💀#like where are TEN of them? lmaooo #i love tumblr ask games

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