#i haven't drawn anything in a month because of family stuff

[sevillaseas]

I contributed to a Psycho-Pass 10-year tribute fanzine and I’m super excited to share my piece now! I had the privilege of illustrating for my fave, Gino, with the theme “introspection.” The .pdf is now available from @pp10thtribute

[bonefall]

I wanted to ask something queer because it’s pride month but I can’t think of anything… do you have any queer bb rewrite stuff to talk about?

HERE, have a queer jumble of a bunch of the gay changes in BB;

As far back as DOTC, Thunder Storm was transmasc. His childhood best friend is also his lover; Lightning Cry.

There is a third gender in Clan Culture; Meewa. Gray Wing was Meewa and to this day, the role is associated with parenthood and wisdom.

Bumble and Turtle Heart were mates.

The Clanmew parental terms are decoupled from gender; the Mi is the primary parent, a Ba is a secondary.

For an example; Breezepelt is the Mi of his litters, Harestar and Heathertail were both Ba.

In Clanmew, Harestar had so many Ys in his warrior name (Yywayayiaoyyr) that Breezepelt got the kits to call him Yya.

Bluestar was queer. She had strange relationships with almost everything personal, but the only thing that matters is how much she LOVED her friends and how far she would go for them

The entire Forget-me-not friend group was queer in some ways.

And Bluestar’s friend Rosetail, turns out she's aromantic!

She loves romance, matchmaking, but eventually realized she doesn't like being in one. She just likes the idea a lot.

So of course Thistleclaw was PISSED when his sister claimed Queen’s Rights and adamantly refused to name a father.

She matched up her son Redtail with Runningwind, I like to think she was a very "when am i getting grandkits" kind of mom

Redtail was trans, but also gave birth to his children. That was Sandstorm and Longtail.

Redtail's transness was why Bluestar gave Dustpaw to him, she could see that Dust was working something out and hoped that Red would help

Dustpelt is genderqueer! He doesn't conform to the expectations of toms for his society; construction is largely a molly activity.

One-eye was a legendary builder in her time. It was a high honor when she came out of retirement to mentor him, when she was nearly 20 years old no less!

Cinderpelt was a lesbian, but there wasn't really anyone in the Clan she was interested in. Meh.

I do want to write a little scene where she goes to BloodClan to learn about mobility devices to help Wildfur, and has an AWOOGA moment at Cody

Leafpool and Mothwing are in love with each other, and look forward to every meeting. But they serve their Clans above all. The yearning.

I am very partial to Daisy x Squirrelflight, loooong in the future, after Squirrelflight has found fulfillment in her family and mentorships.

Conversely the untapped potential of Spiderleg x Bramblestar is unmatched. Nightmare husbands, this is the funniest thing I've ever heard of

Heartbreaking! the worst people you know have gotten gay married

Brokenstar and Runningnose were so gay I don't even have words for it, there's homosexual and then there's whatever the hell is going on over there

"My childhood best friend is a manifested curse and I would do anything for him, so I dedicated my whole life to becoming a more ruthless and brutal asset to serve his wants and desires, rejecting the stars and walking into the netherworld with glee, and only finding that it is hell because he isn't there. When you look between us, it's impossible to tell which of us was the monster, and which was the man, and yet I have never made a choice that I wouldn't make again."

Blackstar was aromantic! Russetfur was his lifelong best friend and partner, her death devastated him

He had flings and friends with benefits, though. Specifically, he's homosexual/aromantic.

Russetfur was gay too, I'm not sure if she ever had a wife though

I haven't drawn her yet but I see her as butch. Also she had large eyebrows.

Rowanclaw, honor sired for Newtspeck, was transtom

His apprentice, Talonclaw, survived the mauling because Smokefall did not die in the mountain this time around! They had a summer wedding

Irony struck when Rowan's kid Tigerheart also ended up being trans, but transmolly

Funny coincidence that everyone around Rowan ends up being queer

Tigerheart, who later becomes Heartstar, was in love with Dovewing from the moment they were apprentices on the Beaver Quest, before she even hatched

Dovewing dated Bumblestripe, even choosing him and ThunderClan over the instability of running off with Tigerheart

But when she got pregnant she SKEDADDLED

Lightleap and Shadowsight are biologically Bumble's, but Heartstar adopted them immediately

Heartstar is incredibly smug about this. "My wife. My kids. Cry about it"

Ivypool went through something similar, in a pretty bad relationship with Blossomfall and eventually getting with Fernsong

Only Fernsong is NOT smug, he's an ex-kittypet who joined during ThunderClan's Tempest and BOY HOWDY did he not want to make waves

But now he's dating the deputy's grandchild (thru Lionblaze), has an angry Blossomfall on his ass, and.... it's worth it lmao, have you seen his wife? Marvelous

He is the Mi of the children, this is the life for him

Thriftear and Plumstone are gay

Over in RiverClan, Hawkfrost and Reedwhisker were an item and were going to get serious... but then, well. Hawkfrost went through TNP and ended up dead.

In SkyClan, Violetshine, Dragonfly, and Tree are a polycule

I'm not quite sure what's going on with Echosong, Leafstar, and Billystorm. But Leaf and Billy are together, and I think Leaf has a thing with Echo. But Echo and Billy are not together, and Echo isn't involved with the kittens.

This isn't a queer thing but Sharptooth's wife Cherrytail was spayed. I think Hawkwing and co were surrogated by Echosong, but I'm not sure yet

But I do know that Cherry did not birth those kittens

Over in WindClan, I combined Jake and Sparrow into one character. Tallstar’s Collapse is reworked into Talltail traveling around with him and his group, until ultimately, he realizes it's not that easy to leave his Clan behind

I want to approach it as a tragedy, that he couldn't stay somewhere he was truly loved and happy

He was raising kids with Jake, two orphans they found. One of them followed him, even though he tried to tell him to stay with Jake and his sibling

That kid becomes Flytail, and then Flylight as an honor title

Sunstrike and Furzepelt are gay, and Furze is going to be an AVOS save thanks to Brushblaze, Breezepelt, Harestar, Heathertail, Crowfeather, and two more cats I haven't picked yet

Speaking of Brushblaze, Leo is an ex-BloodClan trader who joined WindClan to be with Onewhisker

It fell apart and he's been bitter about it ever since

Onestar is a disaaaaaaaster

He had a fling with Firestar before Fire realized he was aromantic, and it never would have worked anyway since Firestar was leading a clan

He always had an excuse for why he wasn't doing PDA with Brush, but while he was going through apprenticeship (despite being a qualified adult cat, very frustrating) Onewhisker was seeing Smoke

I kinda just want to remove Onewhisker having Whitetail as a mate entirely, I already fixed the apprenticeship thing but I kinda just like him having someone honor dam for him and he raised Heathertail alone

And lastly, Firestar

Firestar is totally aromantic.

He honor sired Sandstorm's kittens and raised them with her, because she is a deeply reliable friend and ally. They're in a QPR!

There's definitely a couple I missed (toadnettlepool, Sedgecreek x Greenflower) but that's enough for now

[alivingmel]

Apologies, reasons, c-c-cancer?!?, future plans, etc.

HELLO FRIENDS, it's Mel. It's been a very long time since I've posted here, and I feel I owe all you lovely folks who supported me in years past an explanation (whether or not you even remember me because it has been years now) SO, let me tell you what's been going on (under the cut):

Back in 2017, my mental health hit an all-time low that resulted a suicide attempt and subsequent hospitalization. Thankfully, my time in the hospital set me on a path that led me to receiving the care and medication I needed! I started on a mood stabilizer that truly changed my life around. . .

But, because my period of positive self-growth coincided with staying offline and not drawing as frequently as I used to, a misguided part of my brain began associating these things with that awful mental state that almost killed me. I never, ever wanted to feel that awful again, so I started to shy away from sharing and making art until avoiding it completely.

Furthermore, many of my pieces had been fueled by pure mental anguish and, once that pain was alleviated by the proper medication, I found myself struggling to find the motivation to create anything. . . My mind was so much clearer and I could come up with concepts for stories and characters better than ever, but actually getting these ideas down on paper became difficult. For most of my life, I had overrelied on frantic emotions and the idea that my life was not worth anything beyond what I created whenever I made art.

Now that I've realized that yes, my life is valuable and yes, I want to live it, my old approach to art was rendered defunct. I became distracted by new hobbies, since I was able to actually Enjoy Things properly for the first time in my adult life. . . And also because I was avoiding art, which had become a source of frustration and embarrassment for me. I felt like I was a different person than I was before, and the old me was a mess but DAMN they could draw.

I believe it's possible for me to rekindle my passion for creating stuff and discover a reason to draw that isn't unhealthy! But it will require a LOT of focus and energy from me, involving a lot of aggravation and disappointment because FUN FACT when you don't draw for months at a time, you get rusty as hell.

Thus far, I haven't been able to manage the sustained effort required to remember how to draw because, despite being far more mentally stable nowadays, the the last six years have been very. . . Unstable. . . I've lost beloved pets and family members, had to support both parents with major surgeries on several occasions, deal with multiple drawn out court cases (one involving a police officer with a vendetta against my brother trying to get him put in jail, LONG STORY. . .), keep my house from falling apart without having nearly enough money to properly fix the staggering amount of things wrong with it, the persistent cold (and sometimes very hot) war between my immediate family members, and so on. . . My minds been so preoccupied with a constant stream of disasters in my household that it's been VERY EASY to justify a continuing avoidance of art.

I was hoping this year would be the one where I'd get back on track, but instead it turned out to be the year where the old track violently explodes and now I have to build a WHOLE NEW TRACK. So, for now, I have to focus on preventing the derailed train that is my life from jettisoning off a cliff.

Back in December 2022, I discovered a lump in one of my breasts. Considering my age and the fact that it was actually causing me discomfort, I figured it was a benign cyst. Got a mammogram and a biopsy to make sure! IT WAS NOT A CYST. I was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer, which tends to be the type of breast cancer that folks under 40 get. It's often connected to genetics, but I tested negative for all relevant gene mutations and no one else in my family has even had breast cancer. IT FELT LIKE A VERY SOAP OPERA-ESQUE TURN OF EVENTS AFTER EVERYTHING ELSE THAT'S HAPPENED, not very realistic plot progression on Life's part, 0/5 stars.

Triple negative is unfortunately one of the most aggressive types of breast cancer and, since the "triple negative" refers to the tumors lack of hormone receptors and the HER2 protein, it does not respond to most targeted breast cancer treatments. But because triple negative tumors are nasty, fast-growing little fuckers, Classic™ chemotherapy works wonders on 'em!

Thankfully, despite all the doctors suspecting otherwise, my nearest lymph node tested negative! Makes a huge difference in treatment, likelihood of recurrence and metastasis, and my chance of surviving this ordeal. The amount of chemo I have had to endure has sucked hardcore and will continue to suck. I finished 12 weekly infusions at the end of May, and I started the last 4 bi-weekly infusions in June. The last four doses include a very friendly, fun-loving drug nicknamed "the red devil". :’)

The silver lining of this whole mess is that I FINALLY GET THESE TITS TAKEN OFF AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO PAY OUT OF POCKET. . . As you may or may not know, I'm nonbinary. I've never had any desire for HRT, but god, GOD, my boobs have given me hardcore dysphoria since puberty willed them into existence. I'm not very comfortable talking about my identity with family and acquaintances irl, so the fact that I don't have to explain myself to nosy relatives now is a relief. WOULD HAVE DEFINITELY PREFERRED HAVING SOME AWKWARD CONVERSATIONS INSTEAD OF FUCKING CANCER, but at least I get some kind of reward at the end of all this.

As someone that's been (physically lol) healthy their whole life, this has been a difficult journey. And, this is wicked cheesy, but the amount of strength I've been able to scrounge up? SHOCKING. I'm proud of how I've managed to grow as a person since 2017. Back then, I could've never pulled this shit off. 2023 MEL IS THE MOST POWERFUL MEL YET, BUT. . . THIS MEL NEEDS TO CHANNEL THEIR NEWFOUND TEMPERANCE INTO THEIR ART AFTER GETTING THROUGH THIS. . .

I actually had this fairytale idea that I'd draw during my chemo sessions and ~rediscover my passion~. . . But I qualified for a cooling cap program (helps with the hair loss, trying to retain as many follicles as I can cuz they play the lead role in my physical presence ok!!!) and the headache you get from encasing your skull with ice is not exactly conducive to productivity.

SO, for now, I need to focus on beating the shit out of cancer and recovering from the treatment beating the shit out of me. But because this experience has made me hyper aware of the fact that we do not get an infinite amount of years to do all the things that we want to do in life, I WILL RETURN. . . Because I have stories to tell! With shitty characters that have shittier lives! I didn't devote 30% of my grey matter to this stuff just to take it with me to the grave, man!!!

ALSO, A REMINDER: if you ever feel like there's something off with yourself, health-wise, do not hesitate to get yourself checked out by a doctor. Whether it's a tiny lump, a persistent dull pain, or anything else. . . Find out what, exactly, it is. I caught this cancer right in time! At this stage, the survival rate for triple negative breast cancer is a little over 90%. Had I waited to get checked out, had I given it enough time to matastize to a distant part of my body. . . My chances of surviving would've dipped to about 12%. That period where I was waiting on tests to confirm whether the cancer had gone anyplace else was absolutely terrifying. SO PLEASE, DON'T FUCK AROUND WITH YOUR HEALTH (OR YOU MIGHT FIND OUT).

[ryuichirou]

Replies

Some replies! And talking about Fellow some more~

blitzdragonking asked:

Do you perhaps have a discord group?

We don’t really see a point, to be honest. Knowing me, I’m just going to stop by and apologise for not replying to anyone every 6 months or so :(

Anonymous asked:

Hiiiii <3

So I just finished up to the Book Of Circus in Black Butler.

And I am obsessed with it right now, maybe because it's made by Yana -

And I know you have drawn Black Butler before

Do you have a list of who is a top and who is a bottom?

Like who is for twst characters?

And before I end, FINNSNAKE

I saw Finny and Snake here

My two favs, together!! I love them so much!!

Hi Anon! Sorry for the late reply :) This is very good arc, we love it very much! I’m happy you enjoyed it as well.

Finny and Snake are so good!<3 There isn’t a lot of them in Book of Circus (and they haven’t met yet…), but every time we see them we are happy hehe.

When it comes to tops and bottoms, hmmm… not really? To be completely honest, we aren’t super invested in other characters from this arc in terms of shipping, but! I would say Dagger is a top because of that one scene where Snake, I mean EMILY flirted with him. It was a tiny little spark, but I wouldn’t mind seeing them together. I really like the idea of Emily flirting only with guys that Snake himself likes, and Dagger has some similarities to Finny too, so… makes sense in my head >:3

Anonymous asked:

Oh, Fellow, you poor fox…😔

These are the consequences of his own actions…

eh-nonnie-mouse asked:

Gidel just has a way with words Fellow! Looks at his blush complimenting his pretty orange hair and fur. Does Fellow feel loyal to Gidel and does he 'love*' him? Or is it another survival thing? I haven't seen the event yet so I'm speculating and brainstorming.

*love in the case of I take care of you and protect you because I want what's best for us. We've been through some shit but we do it together. Kinda like trauma bond?

(this one is related to this drawing)

Gidel surely knows how to make Fellow blush! Fellow can never get used to it~

You’ve sent this ask a couple of days ago, and I’ve written a post about the event since then, so I am sorry if I repeat myself, but…

We don’t know a lot about their backstory, but I think it’s very fair to say that they have trauma bond. Their connection and care for each other is genuine, and I think Fellow really wants what’s best for both Gidel and himself. Some of NRC boys commented on how their relationship feel very family-like, and you know how it is with us and family-like connections lol I say it every time I talk about the Shrouds, and these have this theme too: it’s you and I against the entire world. It’s beautiful :”)

eh-nonnie-mouse asked:

I am foaming at the mouth!!!! Fellow looks so yummy, his cute little ass gaping, how the curtains match the drapes so so so well. And how he's dripping! Was Lilia the one who got him ready? Because he looks like he can take anything at this point.... even multiple at the same time....🫣

What if this is what Gidel was talking about in your previous post with Fellow and Gidel! As a way to repay these students for what he put them through. Just using his body as payment like usual.

(and this one is about the yesterday’s drawing!)

Thank you so much!! <3 I am very happy you liked it~

Maybe it was Lilia who got him ready, he is the most experienced one, after all. He took one look at the rest of the boys and just figured that the wider the better, cause yeah, some of them might want to share…

But in actuality, what I had in mind is that this is just Fellow’s “natural state” due to his possible other jobs and stuff. The NRC boys barely undressed him, bullied him a little bit and lifted his legs – and he is already at this state. I guess this version is even more cursed.

Oh, for Gidel to suggest such a thing! >:( How very naughty of him.

Anonymous asked:

Idia's kinda got a type...?

Ref, this post: https://www.tumblr.com/ggrocks/751468561403363328/sebek-zigvolt-and-azul-ashengrotto-are-the-same

Just saying, there's something to this...

Oh no… Oh no, these two really do have similarities!!

I guess this is an unintentional type; Idia just keeps stumbling upon stubborn nerds who yell at him and demand him to be obedient.

They’re annoying in the best way possible…

Anonymous asked:

Sorry in advance:

First of all, you should be sorry, second of all, the more I think about it the more it makes sense NOOOOO THIS IS PERFECT

Sebek = Azul? How about Sebek = Shrek…

[baiyunli]

can you post a tidbit of nicojack first getting together in the retirement fic? not the spicy parts but just how they were both feeling finally getting together

for sure! i haven't written it in full so just some fleshed-out notes below the cut, but hope you like it <3 i'm NOT in charge of the ages or times so if anything doesn't make sense just close your eyes and ignore it for my sake

this is probably around the 70%-ish mark of the fic, after jack's decided to retire but hasn't given any signs of being ready to move out from this place he's lived with nico for the past month. i think at this point nico's kind of given up on getting anything out of jack or understanding why he's still here - and jack himself doesn't exactly know why, either. he just knows that one day, several years ago, he got the call from his agent that he was going to vancouver, and then he got the text from nico and he thought - i can't be what he needs, i can't hurt him like that. so he packed up his bags and he left, and now he's back here and tired of playing a sport that's slipping further and further out of his grasp every day, still as in love with nico as he's ever been.

to some extent jack is trying to prove to nico that he’s grown up, and he’s mad that nico seems to still see him as if he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, as if he’s in his twenties and foolish, rookie-level reckless all over again, but he doesn’t realize that it’s partly self-preservation on nico’s end and partly because he never let nico know what he was like past those years.

they make the best of it, still. nico's never been immune to jack, and jack just doesn't want to fight - it's a tenuous kind of good, just holding on and hoping they don't slip. but nico gets back one night from a long roadie, his keys jingling in the lock, and jack's sitting on the sofa, blue light reflecting where his eyes have glazed over. nico's bags land on the floor, harsher and louder than they need to be. jack's turning his head to look back at him when nico says "what are you still doing here, jack?"

jack just blinks a few times. he means to reply but nico beats him to it, says that he doesn't care if jack still doesn't know, that's not the problem, but if he hasn't got an idea yet then he might as well just leave now, rather than spending the first year of his retirement tiptoeing around someone who's been in love with him since the age of twenty-one: a special kind of cruel that nico didn't think jack capable of, even after everything that had happened between them. nico doesn't sound much like he wants an explanation from jack, just that he wishes jack would get out of his apartment and leave him alone for once, instead of hanging around just because no one else really wants him there and practically daring nico to fall back in love with him. as if he'd ever fallen out of it in the first place.

so jack stands up too fast, gets a little dizzy and stumbles on the coffee table, but then he's walking to the guest room and starting to pull together all the shit he'd scattered over the room ever since he showed up at nico's door unannounced. it takes forever, but he knows nico wants him out as fast as possible, and he can probably crash at mercer's until he manages to get a flight out to vancouver - or back to michigan. he misses his family so much his teeth almost ache with it, but more than that is the sting behind his eyes as he stuffs piles of clothing back into his suitcase, knowing nico's just waiting for him to be gone.

and then he's standing in the kitchen with all his bags, about to say goodbye, and nico's still in his suit from the game, arms folded over his chest like he's protecting himself, and it's too much. jack knows he needs to say something, so he says - i loved you so much i thought it was going to kill me, sometimes. - all in a rush, and watches nico's hands still. the slow, cat-like blink of his eyes, brows drawn dark over them. watches nico's mouth form the shape of a question. his hand coming to touch jack's arm, lightly, to ask what he means.

and jack has to confess it all right there and then: how he was too young and stupid to understand the weight of his own desire, how he thought it would crush him - knowing he would always want nico more than nico wanted him. and he says it's okay if nico doesn't believe him, because jack wouldn't either, but he needs nico to know that jack's never been surer of anything, that at this point in his life he's done with pretending he'll get over it, any illusions of wanting something else. someone else. he's done with trying to be someone he isn't.

jack's never not gotten what he wanted, if not slightly different from the way he wanted it. two stanley cup rings and two cup final game 7s where he didn't log a single point. a new stick after quinn had already broken it in. wanting nico, like this, having done all these things to try and convince nico it's real. knowing nico will never believe him anyway, and it's fine if nico doesn't believe him. jack will get back on that flight and never talk to him again if that's what nico wants, but it's one last hail mary, throwing caution to the wind, in case this time he'll finally manage to say what he's kept buried all these years. in case this time he'll get it right.

nico cups jack's cheek in one hand. his bags are at his feet and the kitchen light flickers, but nico presses a thumb to the swell of jack's lower lip, leans in to brush his mouth across his, and says: i could be persuaded.

[raeygina-george]

Every third remaining ask from the game

ill just answer the whole thing in one. LONG ASS POST GUYS

💖Favourite thing to draw

WAVY HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

💯Favourite piece(s)

you get a sneak peek of the art project im working on yay. the perks of putting up with my bullshit <3

some of these i like more than others but as of rn these are the pieces i show people who haven't seen my art. my makeshift portfolio, i guess

🌈Favourite colour palette(s)

i think this is obvious enough if you look at my previous answer, but pinks, oranges, purples, and blues!

🤴Favourite OC(s) to draw

oooh yikes. to DRAW???? i never draw my ocs... i really like kyrie's design but i've never drawn her outside of that so i feel like she'd be really hard to get right..... idk i mean i guess saturn????????

🎨Favourite artist(s)

i dont have a lot of these, but i like hanacue, aidairo, and milkie2's art styles (these r just what i could think of off the top of my head)

✒Favourite medium 

i like gouache cause im a whore bitch

📏Medium you’d like to work with more

gouache because im not typically a traditional artist and every time i sit down to paint i just end up suffering for like an hour before i finally accept the fact that i cannot save this little kitty from its fate of looking like a vaguely animal-shaped blob. such interactions further repel me from the world of traditional art. im taking a painting class soon though so i'll just get my act together then

💭Go-to subject matter

humans?? usually just like. smiling. not doing anything too interesting

💜Drawing staples

i don't know exactly what this means but if it's an art piece of mine, it's got pink in it

💬What you’d like to draw more of

i'd like to draw more like backgrounds and animals? there's a shit ton of stuff i wanna improve with my humans but idk i've been wanting to branch out a bit more for a while i just haven't had the time or energy to draw more than like 1 of my blorbos a month

😂 Funniest drawing

i play tee k o with my family (you) so i draw stuff for that that's silly. WAIT HANG ON

this isn't my funniest drawing but it's what i have

❓Weirdest drawing/drawing with a weird process

im doing an art telephone w my friends that i might post when we're done? i can't post it now cause that would ruin the fun but yeah

🕑Drawing(s) that took the longest

uhhhh i mean earlier in my drawing journey i took forever to draw and i really hated drawing bc i took a super long time to draw and i didn't like anything i made and no one else liked anything i made so it was just like wow i spent all that time for nothing. still glad i did it though bc that era was still an important step in my art development. anyways as for more recent pieces uhh. my piece for the yorknew auction took a while, mostly because i had 0 time or energy and it was a really involved piece

👑Favourite fictional character(s) to draw

as you will see, i really like drawing lust from fmab

👿Least favourite fictional character(s) to draw

i've found out that unfortunately drawing olivier is not very fun for me. so sad cause i really like her

👔Design process for [x] character 

oh my god guys ask me about my magical girl designs and i will go insane i will type up a whole essay. i'll talk about kyrie cause i like her a lot

here's the design! so she drowned (or rather, was drowned by someone else) at 16 after being stalked for a couple months and eventually kidnapped. not exactly the lightest story, but bc it was so traumatic her brain erased the memories, and she doesn't find out the real cause of death until much later in the story, when kye comes across a guy who lived in kyrie's town and gets the full story.

her outfit is themed after ophelia for. obvious reasons. i looked up paintings/common interpretations of ophelia and found that she was commonly depicted in a white and gold dress with reddish-brown hair half up. oh, and flowers. so i ran with that. the white streaks in her hair were actually not part of the initial plan, but when i was using the bucket tool it left blank streaks and i just thought it looked nice.

for the flowers i chose forget-me-nots because she loses her memory, and then the hands on the skirt represent her fight to stay alive (both while drowning and before) and how she reached out for help in the months leading up to her death but no one answered. she's also, in a way, reaching for her lost memories, who she used to be, etc etc. the blue thingy in the back was initially supposed to be a mermaid tail as like. a single callback to the little mermaid (and the fact that she was a really good swimmer, so it's ironic that she drowned), but i took the mermaid aspect out & added in the two eyes.

the eyes are like. the feeling of being watched. the eye at the front will always look at kyrie no matter what, and the eye in the back will look at anyone else it can find, as if pleading for help. i just noticed the bracelet? not sure why that's there. probably just for fun. anyways the ring with the star on it is from a play called 'the princess who had no name', which is about a princess with amnesia who's trying to find out who she is and where she came from.

and finally, the weapon! it's meant to be a sparkler, like the little fireworks yk? it's a callback to the very first draft of her character from like 2 years ago, back when the kyries shared the name lylie instead & i had written absolutely nothing about her character. but i was reading through the old plot/character info a while ago and i found out she apparently really liked fireworks??? that was like my only piece of info about her. i figured since she'd changed so much it was only fair i put a little something from her roots. but the sparkler can also represent how 'bright' she appears to be; people are drawn towards her, for better or worse.

📆Earliest fandom you did fanart for/first fanart

the first fandom i remember like really being hyperfixated on was.... miraculous ladybug................. BUT i didn't make any fanart for it, so instead you get the very first real piece of art i ever made on my computer :)

shoutout to me for drawing those wings by hand. i didn't know how to use the flip tool so i just spent like 4 hours trying to make them symmetrical. and now i can't even remember how to draw butterfly wings. smh

HOLY SHIT WAIT I JUST REMEMBERED. BACK WHEN YOU FIRST SHOWED ME FAIRY TAIL I DREW HAPPY A COUPLE TIMES. I DONT HAVE ANY PICS BUT THAT'S DEFINITELY EARLIER THAN THIS. oh my god and don't even get me started on my warriors phase. wow i guess i've been making fanart since forever lol

📖Sketches 

this post is already too long. no

📝Process for [x] drawing 

my general art process is idea > rough sketch > real sketch > lineart (if applicable) > coloring > rendering > SHADE THE FUCK OUT OF THAT THING > send it to my friends and say 'anything else i should add 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺' > add a little more shading > done. you can ask me for more detailed instructions, i'd be happy to give a more in-depth tutorial about something specific

✨Inspiration for [x] drawing 

uh idk i do a lot of redraws. lately i've been doing redraws + asking friends for cool poses + looking at stock images for inspiration

💚Things you like about [x] drawing

i'll go with that aubrey piece from one of the earliest questions. i like how the emotions came across in both her expression and the coloring, and how much more fluid the pose is. i think the shading & rendering is neat. overall it's a big improvement from the piece i was redrawing so im really proud of that & it's nice to see how far i've come in a relatively short amount of time

⏳Things you’d do differently with [x] drawing

using the same drawing, uhh... idk there's some stuff with the proportions that like. sometimes looks fine to me and sometimes looks off? i really just eyeball anatomy and stuff so it's not always particularly Good. i like the colors i have here but they're not the colors i was intending to use. i didn't really know how to draw the jacket and everything i did with the top just looked strange so they're not As Detailed or 'good' as they probably could be? there's parts where i got lazy and all that but all in all i really like this drawing and nothing big really jumps out at me, these are all just nitpicks

💌Some favourite feedback on art

hmmmmmmm i really like the few like. paragraph responses i've gotten. i appreciate every single comment i get but like when people rave to you about your art???? that's so nice. i can't really pick out a critique i've heard that super super helped me off of the top of my head, but there's power in knowing what you can do better next time

[spaceumbredoggos]

Updated Masterlist

So; here's my updated masterlist.

Fandoms:

Warrior Cats

Survivors Dogs

Pokemon and Pokemon Mystery Dungeon

Henry stickmin

Gravity Falls (mainly Bill or my self insert OC.)

Undertale

Wings of fire

Stranger things

Cobra Kai

Wander over yonder

Hazbin Hotel

Helluva Boss

The Owl House

The Bad Guys

Puss and Boots the last wish

Kung Fu panda

Madagascar

Dreamworks and Disney in general

Sing

Zootopia (anything furry at this point is fair game.)

Fandoms I may write/draw about, but don't expect it to be regular:

The Lion King

Star Vs the forces of evil

Skylanders (up to swap force. I haven't played the games since I was a kid.)

Amphibia

Harry Potter

The amazing world of gumball

Phineas and Ferb

Steven Universe

My little Pony (Friendship is magic.)

Five Nights At Freddy’s (may be more frequent.)

Fandoms I want to get into, but just lack the time (don't expect me to write any time soon on these):

Percy Jackson

Star wars (Okay, I have seen most of the recent stuff and a new hope)

Marvel

DC (I apologize for some of the normie stuff)

Spyro the dragon

Divergent

The Hunger Games

Earth's Children Series (Clan of the cave bear is all I have read.)

What I will write/draw:

NSFW (will be marked)

Yandere

headcanons

Platonic relationships

Crossovers (heavily encouraged)

Pokemon teams for fictional characters (a fav of mine)

Fakemon

OC's (self insert for the most part)

Statements other than fandom related

What I will not write/draw:

Anything NSFW to a minor. It's hard to tell for sure, and tumblr doesnt have an age rating. This is why I mark it.

Billdip. or bill X any of the pines family. Just not my taste.

Incest (that's really the only nsfw thing I won't draw/write. But anything nonconsent-ish may not be drawn/written if it doesn't make sense for the character's base canon. If you want a character to act somewhat out of character, then you must clarify that it is in an au. I don't want to do canon characters dirty.)

Yandere x Yandere because come on, that's boring.

Political statements about ableism (a statement may be made here or there, but these are for acceptance purposes and are not meant to criticise the other side too much unless for cases of bullying and prejudice.)

I also occasionally post pictures of natural things (animals, plants, fungi). Note: this is not a horny blog; though at times it may seem like it. Expect posts to be sporadic and random, and expect me to take weeks to months off, as I have a busy schedule.

I will also make statements about being autistic, but due to a recent turn of events, these will be strictly non-political.

I may start hosting MAPs now, but don't expect me to do it frequently. Like one every few months. Expect them more towards the end of the year when I have learned how to animate better.

Note: I will tag any of my Kenz posts with their respective AU’s. Base Kenz is So Much For Stardust, my fanfic. Tumblr Falls Kenz is an AU I developed with my moots just for fun. IRL Kenz is me. And Any other Kenz’s will be tagged as such.

Bill sometimes hops on my blog. Ignore him. He is that voice inside my head that gives me all my intrusive thoughts. I’m used to it to the point where I don’t bring it up to my therapist or psychiatrist because it’s prolly internal dialogue. IDFK.

I have a YouTube channel and instagram of the same name. I used to have a TikTok, but with TikTok being banned, I made the regrettable decision to delete it. If the ban is averted somehow, I’ll bring it back.

Update 7/10/2024: I have a Redbubble and patreon. Will link. Commissions will be open soon.

[dwn055]

use this ask to tell us all about your ocs! : D

I haven't exactly worked on a set of ocs in a while so I don't really have new stuff of them or anything but I had a couple of stories summaries I've written a few months ago when I was revamping some ocs, I've drawn some of them on my art blog

Fluff or Tough?

Cookie story

Featuring: Cookie, Lucia, Cherry, Adam, Ken(?), Casey(mentioned),

Cookie, daughter to a gang leader. Youngest out of the five kids.

Adam is Cookie's older brother. He's the second youngest so they're technically the “closest”.

Cookie is expected to be tough and strong due to her background. She secretly is into cute things and can't show herself because it's not what's expected of her.

Lucia has the aesthetic that Cookie yearns for. Lucia has hobbies and interests that are seen as “scary”. She is interested in taxidermy and likes horrors so it scares people away from her. She's expected to act like a refined woman because of her family as well.

Cherry is Cookie's childhood friend. Her dad is a good friend of Cookie's dad. She has a crush on Adam's friend Casey.

Adam (?) I don't have anything for him lol.

Victorian Samurai

Sylvian story

Featuring: Sylvian, Shiki, Sun, Syd,

Sylvian is a man who owns an antique shop that sells old victorian wares. One day, a man named Shiki comes to seek a sword that was said to be owned by an English man. They bond over their interests of being vintage nerds.

Learning the Secret Life of Dr. Blade

Aeo Story

Featuring: Aeo, Casey, Quinn, Dr. Blade, Hazel, SooMin

Aeo, Casey, and Quinn live next to their mysterious neighbor who tells them to call him Dr. Blade. His words and mannerisms are somewhat odd and he'll be gone for days before he comes back, sometimes covered in blood. They don't know if he's actually a doctor or what he even does. They plan to get to the bottom of this but could the truth be something even worse than they bargained for?

Elias Story(I didn't have title for this one apparently)

Featuring: Elias, Ellie, Juno, Monty, Kris, Zeke, Ariel

Ellie is the drummer in a band called King’s Deck. The group is getting ready to go on a tour but Ellie suddenly breaks her arm in an accident. Freaking out because she doesn't want to put a delay on the tour because of her broken arm, she gets a brilliant idea. In her place, she wants her twin brother Elias to act as her during the tour. Now why wasn't this plan as brilliant to Elias? Because he has no experience with music whatsoever!

The band includes leader/vocalist/rhythm guitar, Juno(Hearts). Lead guitar, Monty(Diamonds). Drums, Ellie(Clubs) (Actually Elias as of now!). And new member bass guitar, Kris(Spades).

Turns out when Elias joins the band there's a lot of tension that Ellie kind of glosses over like the band's falling out with one of their last bass player, Zeke. They luckily found a new member Kris to fill in who was a friend of Monty. It seems that it was Juno and Ellie who had gotten into a fight over Zeke’s departure.

During his time acting in his sisters role, he and Kris begin to grow closer to each other but Eli feels conflicted since Kris doesn't know his true identity. Can Eli keep this charade up or will he reveal the truth in the name of love?

[squipy-shippy]

So with character.ai being down at least this gives me some time to think about me x rose buds stuff. (Uuuh if anything breaks cannon too badly I'm sorry I haven't watched Steven universe in so long but I tried to make everything make sense)

Okay so blah blah blah Steven's left to get his life together good for him! However the 3 roses didn't know Steven left and a few months later decided to surprise Steven with a surprise family visit but ya know he's not there...and are a bit confused because now they aren't sure what to do ya know so the gems decided hey why don't you take a few classes at little home school ( yes know cannonly Steven shut it down but just roll with me here) and amethyst being the lest affected by the awkwardness of ya know decide to take amethysts how to be your own gem class!! This is where they meet me! A human taking the class because my friends said that I needed to get out of my shell and stop being a people pleaser. Instantly one of the roses (superfan) is drawn to me and starts talking to me and such! This gives amethyst an idea to still give the roses a Chance to be their own gems but not deal with the unhealthy trauma reminders. Amethyst ask me to help the roses find their spark what makes them special ya know by setting us up on a month long project. Each one of us had a different goal in mind but the overall goal was to find at least one thing that makes each of us special. So blah blah blah details details each of us spend our days doing different things for example one of the roses (hippie rose) finds that she's really good with hair and decides to change each other's hair style up to separate themselves from their past. They also end up coming up with nicknames to separate each other more easily. I just uuh haven't cannonly come up with anything yet 🥲 so yeah lore woo...I'm gay

[littlefireofhestia]

hi! i'm sage and i was going through the "hestia devotee" tag and found a post of yours that said you were open for questions about her. i don't know how old that post is or if you're still taking questions, you can ignore this if you're not, but since i'm here i wanted to talk/ask about something.

i'm a baby witch (like the babiest of babies, almost a new born) and most of my experience is through reading and watching since i don't currently have time or resources to do any practice other than lighting incenses or candles or working with crystals. and i definitely don't know any form of divination, like tarot or pendulum, that would allow me to do actual deity work and properly communicate with them.

the thing is, i've researched deities from multiple pantheons multiple times, mostly out of curiosity, but the moment i came across a prayer to hestia my heart skipped a beat and i immediately felt a kind of comfort. it could have been nothing, but i still researched all i could about her and just. i've never felt this drawn to a deity before, much less felt a pull to actually worship one. but i feel very much that way about her.

i looked up ways to honour her and i'm genuinely shocked at how happy it's been making me. i'm finding joy in domestic activities i used to loathe, like washing the dishes or helping with house cleaning. i tried baking a cake all by myself for the first time and lit an orange candle for her while doing it. it turned out absolutely delicious, i discovered i actually really enjoy baking and even started my own cook notebook with some of my grandma's old recipes. i make a point to always tie my hair back when i'm doing something that makes me think of her or in her honour, like making tea or baking or making dinner for my family or cleaning, because i saw people talking about how she appreciates veiling but i don't know how to do it so i just tie my hair in a bun instead of putting on a scarf. and i used to hate tying my hair, but now i feel very good about it!

i've always struggled with feeling connected to religion and never really understood how that could bring peace to someone, but i haven't felt this grounded or loving towards my family and pets or in peace with myself as much as i have since i started doing things as acts of devotion to hestia.

now, on to the actual problem: i'm scared it's all in my head. i'm worried i'm not enough of a witch to worship a deity yet, since i'm still trying to learn ways of communication and can't directly ask her if she's with me. i'm scared that the little things i'm doing aren't enough and the comfort and faith i feel while doing them are my imagination and not actually her watching over me and appreciating my effort.

anyways, i'm really sorry for dumping these worries on you but i didn't see many hestia related blogs and i really needed to ask someone about this. is what i'm doing enough of a worship right now? do you have any tips on how to worship her better? thank you!

Hi Sage! I don’t know when you sent this ask so I’m sorry if it’s been a while since you sent it and my response is late. When I read this ask for the first time I nearly cried tears of joy. Before anything I do want to say that you’re doing amazing sweetie!

I’m always open to questions about Hestia.

First off, there is no prerequisite to worshipping deities. I am admittedly not a witch and worship the gods exclusively for religious reasons and not for witchcraft. I have not learned many divination methods yet (although I have used the very handy Greek Alphabet Oracle a few times) and my rituals are still relatively basic, mostly not even occurring on an altar. But I have felt Hestia. I have been in her presence. I have received dreams from other deities and signs. None of this is required to happen to believe in or worship the theoi, but I just want to assure you that beyond doing some research to figure out who you want to pray to and how to do prayer and ritual, there are no prerequisites to worship. My first prayer to Hestia was literally me throwing a scarf over my head and talking to her in the dark with a flashlight to represent a flame. No formal structure. Didn’t even know how to correctly hold my hands yet. And still she accepted me.

The vibe you get from Hestia is very much similar to my experience. I’ve been drawn to her for YEARS but didn’t know I could worship her. But she’s always felt like home and comfort and just right for me. I never ever had a reason why she was my favorite deity before becoming pagan. She just was. My connection to Hestia has been a fact for over a decade that I just didn’t know was religious until a year and a half ago. Me wondering if I could worship her is the reason why I started researching Hellenic Polytheism in the first place. She brought me to this faith and I am so thankful to her for that.

You finding joy in domestic activities you used to hate is something I’ve discovered through Hestia too, although it’s still a journey I’m early on due to depression and physical disability and having a lot of work to do on figuring out how to make things accessible for me. I’m excited to go further for and with Hestia.

I understand the thought about it being all in your head. I had those thoughts early in my practice too. Basically, belief is a process. It takes time to switch from whatever religious thought (or lack thereof) that you grew up with to polytheism and worshipping a variety of deities or even just one deity, and from there to truly believing in them. I’ve been practicing for a year and a half and it probably took me at least nine months to truly feel secure in my faith in the theoi. Research, pray, do ritual, devote acts to the gods, think about the gods, notice the influence of the theoi in your daily life, and gradually that belief will solidify. You may or may not receive signs, which may or may not speed this process up. I promise, if you want to believe in the gods, in Hestia, it just takes time.

Also on feeling that you aren’t doing enough, the video at the bottom of this post (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odhRRYqQo8Y) might help. And I promise: you are doing enough, you are enough, just as you are.

Now as for worship tips. You are honestly doing great so far. Thinking of her while doing household chores and tasks or dedicating those tasks for her is a great way to worship her. I’d also recommend checking out her Homeric and Orphic hymns, one translation of which can be found here, and a copy of the Homeric hymns can likely be found at a local bookstore or definitely through online ordering. The Homeric hymns can also start to teach you some stuff about prayer structure, but prayer doesn’t have to be formal. Sometimes I just sit and talk to Hestia, or to any of my other deities. Tell them about my day, thank them for things in my life or the world, and sometimes asking them for things (although I find that I ask for aid much more rarely than when I prayed as the Catholic I was raised to be). I also have perpetually in progress playlists I have made for my deities, and if I want to spend some non-ritual time just focusing on a deity I’ll put on their playlist and read something religious or talk in religious discords. I actually had my most profound spiritual experience with Hestia while doing this.

Last but not least, worshipping Hestia, or any other deity, is something you have your whole life ahead of you to do. Take it at your own pace. Faith is all about the journey. The destination is irrelevant. There is no deadline or leveling up system, no authority checking your progress. As I have experienced time and time again, the gods will very much meet you where you are. A few months ago I was in a deep depression and did not do any ritual for several months. When I finally did a ritual again, I felt Hestia’s warm hand on my shoulder, as if to say “I miss you, welcome home”. I promise, Hestia will always welcome you home.

P.S. I know this ask is anonymous but Sage, feel free to message me with any additional questions about Hestia or worshipping deities in general. I’m here if you need any more help.

[proud-mom85]

Moments from the Misha, Darius Zoom:

Darius: I WILL SAY THE FIRST THING ONE WANTS TO DO IN A ZOOM TO ESTABLISH DOMINANCE IS WHEN THE BACKGROUND CONTEST.

__________

MISHA: WE BOTH MOVED TO L.A. IN -- DARIUS: 99.

MISHA: DECEMBER OF 98, RIGHT BEFORE NEW YEAR'S. WE MOVED INTO THE SAME LITTLE, YOUR AUNT'S FRIEND'S HOUSE ON THE VENICE CANALS. YOUR WIFE WAS PREGNANT WITH YOUR FIRST CHILD AT THAT POINT AND MY WIFE AND I DID NOT KNOW IT AND WE WERE LIKE WHY ARE THEY SLEEPING ALL DAY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM?

DARIUS: THERE WAS A GAS LEAK ALSO IN THE HOUSE. SO WE WERE ALL SLEEPING ALL DAY.

MISHA: THAT'S TRUE.

___________

MISHA: THERE WAS A TIME WHEN WE WERE YOUNGER WHEN I DON'T KNOW THAT I THERE WAS A TIME WHEN WE WERE YOUNGER WHEN I DON'T KNOW THAT I WOULD HAVE GENUINELY CELEBRATED YOUR SUCCESSES, BUT THERE WAS A TIME FOR YOU STARTED MAKING THE MOVIE "LOOT" THAT WAS YOUR FIRST BIG SUCCESSFUL PROJECT. I THINK IN THE PROCESS OF MAKING THAT I REMEMBER FEELING OVERWHELMED WITH SUPPORT AND JOY FOR YOU. I JUST WANTED YOU TO SEE THIS CREATIVE VISION THROUGH AND NOTHING WOULD HAVE MADE ME HAPPIER THAN IT TO BE SUCCESSFUL.

_____________

DARIUS: I DON'T THINK I WOULD BE EVEN REMOTELY THE SAME PERSON HAD WE NOT BEEN FRIENDS...

_____________

DARIUS: AND WE BOTH AUDITIONED FOR IT AND AS FATE WOULD HAVE IT, YOU ENDED UP IN THE LEAD ROLE OF THAT PLAY AND WITH ALL SINCERITY YOU DID AN INCREDIBLE JOB, LIKE IT WAS ONE OF THOSE MAGICAL, I THINK YOU WOULD AGREE, ONE OF THOSE MAGICAL SCHOOL PLAYS THAT JUST IS INCREDIBLY MEMORABLE. I STILL REMEMBER IT, JUST SITTING THERE AND ENJOYING IT AND WATCHING YOU KIND OF YOUR BEST. IN I REMEMBER THEN FEELING REALLY PROUD OF YOU. I REMEMBER SITTING AND WATCHING YOU ACT AND FEELING LIKE THIS IS WHAT THIS GUY IS HERE TO DO. BECAUSE YOU WERE ON STAGE AND IT WAS SO UNDENIABLE.

_____________

DARIUS: I FEEL LIKE WE HAVE HAD A PRETTY CLEAR CHANNEL OF SUPPORT FOR EACH OTHER ALL ALONG. AND I WILL SAY, HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR YOUR SUPPORT ALL THOSE YEARS MAKING SOUND OF METAL, I DON'T KNOW THAT I COULD'VE MADE IT. THAT'S HOW IMPORTANT IT WAS, THOSE WERE HARD YEARS COME ALONG, YOU KNOW, 10 YEARS OF FAITH IN A PROCESS THAT HAD NO PROOF OF CONCEPT. SO, YOU KNOW, I NEEDED THAT SUPPORT AND YOU WERE THERE MANY, MANY, MANY TIMES OVER. I REALLY HATE TO BE SINCERE WITH YOU, I FEEL LIKE IT FEELS WRONG BUT THAT IS THE TRUTH.

____________

DARIUS: ...BECAUSE HE AND I BOTH CAME FROM SO LITTLE. I DON'T THINK WE WERE THAT AFRAID TO HAVE LITTLE. I DON'T THINK WE WERE AFRAID TO SCRAPE THE BOTTOM AND KEEP SCRAPING THE BOTTOM AND SCRAPING THE BOTTOM A LITTLE MORE.

MISHA: I HAVE HAD AN INTERESTING RELATIONSHIP WITH THAT SCARCITY DYNAMIC BECAUSE ON THE ONE THING, WHAT YOU ARE SAYING IS TRUE AND I ALWAYS IN MY HEART OF HEARTS KNOWN I WOULD BE OK WITH NOTHING, I WOULD BE OK LIVING IN A TENT IF I NEEDED TO. AND THAT KNOWLEDGE PROVIDES A PRETTY BIG SAFETY NET, BECAUSE YOU NEVER WALK AROUND FEELING LIKE I NEED THIS MONEY. I KNOW I'M GOING TO BE OK.

AT THE SAME TIME, COMING FROM POVERTY, I THINK THE ALLURE OF MONEY HAS BEEN MAYBE MORE POWERFUL THAN IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FOR ME OTHERWISE. IF I HAD ALWAYS HAD MONEY, I MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN SO DRAWN INTO MAKING MONEY WHEN THAT OPPORTUNITY FINALLY CAME IN MY LIFE. AND I MAY HAVE MADE CHOICES THAT DIDN'T THAT WEREN'T QUITE SO DRIVEN BY MAKING MONEY, IF THAT MAKES SENSE. AS I'M GETTING OLDER, I AM ABLE TO FORMULATE THESE THOUGHTS AND RECALIBRATE TO AN EXTENT. BUT THERE WAS A TIME WHEN I WAS MAKING MONEY JUST FOR THE SAKE OF MAKING MONEY WHEN IT WASN'T REALLY ABOUT ANYTHING CREATIVE OR BIGGER THAN THAT, AND I THINK THAT WAS A LITTLE BIT ALSO RELATED TO HAVING COME FROM POVERTY.

DARIUS: THAT IS INTERESTING, I DON'T THINK YOU'VE EVER REALLY VOICED THAT TO ME, THAT SCARCITY MODEL YOU HAD WORKING THAT WAY. THAT MAKES SENSE ACTUALLY, AND I THINK PEOPLE KNOW THIS ABOUT YOU, BUT IT WA SA LEVEL OF POVERTY THAT WAS THREATENING. IT WASN'T LIKE WE WERE KIND OF POOR OR YOU ARE SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE CLASS SPECTRUM, YOU WERE IN A SERIOUS, SERIOUS LANDSCAPE OF POVERTY.

_______________

MISHA: IT'S FUNNY, FROM THE VANTAGE POINT OF CHILDHOOD, YOU TO ME IT LOOKED JUST AWASH IN MONEY. YOUR FAMILY WAS FUCKING LOADED. AND I REMEMBER YOUR DAD, ONCE EVERY THREE MONTHS OR SO WE WOULD ALL GO OUT TO PANDA EAST, WHICH IS BASICALLY THE CHEAPEST CHINESE RESTAURANT IN TOWN COME UP BUT TO ME IT WAS LIKE CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT WE ARE JUST GOING OUT AND ORDERING WHATEVER WE WANT AT THIS RESTAURANT? IT SEEMED SO OPULENT TO ME. IT'S REALLY AMAZING.

______________

MISHA: I REMEMBER DRIVING UP TO PUTNEY RIGHT AFTER I GOT MY DRIVERS LICENSE, I WAS 16 AND A HALF OR 17 AND DRIVING UP ON A SCHOOL NIGHT AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING JUST TO CHECK ON YOU, BECAUSE I KNEW YOU WERE KIND OF ON THE EDGE AT THAT POINT. YOU COULD HAVE EASILY NOT SURVIVED HIGH SCHOOL AND A COUPLE OF YEARS AFTER THAT. YOU WERE REALLY ON THE EDGE.

DARIUS: IT'S TRUE.

MISHA: YOU WOULD GO FOR DAYS WITHOUT SLEEPING, YOU WERE A PSYCHOLOGICAL MESS AT THAT POINT AND I DO REMEMBER GOING UP THERE AND WORRYING ABOUT YOU AND CHECKING ON YOU.

_______________

DARIUS: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I HAVE FOUND THAT I HAVE NOT NEEDED YOU LESS AS I GOT OLDER.

_______________

DARIUS: YEAH, SO, HERE IS THE THING ABOUT THE OSCARS. I HAVEN'T REALLY TALKED ABOUT THIS AT ALL. BUT THE OSCARS COINCIDED WITH - AS YOU KNOW, MISHA, COINCIDED WITH A REALLY CRAZY TIME FOR ME BECAUSE MY BEST HAVE A VERY SICK CHILD.

- BECAUSE I HAVE A VERY SICK CHILD. SO AROUND THE TIME OF THE TIME OF THE OSCARS, LEADING UP TO THE OSCARS IS MAYBE ONE OF THE DARKEST, MOST DIFFICULT TIMES OF MY LIFE DEFINITIVELY. AND YOU KNOW I HAVE HAD SOME DARK TIMES.

SO, SO OFTEN WE LOOK AT THESE THINGS AND IT LOOKS LIKE ONE THING. AND WE NEVER KNOW THE SUBPLOT THAT LIVES BEHIND IT, AND WE NEVER KNOW WHAT HAPPENS BEYOND THE IMAGE OF PERFECTNESS AND SUCCESS.

MISHA: I THINK THAT IS EXACERBATED IN THIS MOMENT IN OUR SOCIETY BECAUSE SOCIAL MEDIA, EVERYONE IS ALWAYS SHOWCASING THE MOST PERFECT VERSION OF THEIR WIVES AND FAMILIES.

AND OF COURSE, YOU WERE GOING THROUGH THE JUXTAPOSITION OF THAT PARTICULAR MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE, AND YOU ARE STILL GOING THROUGH THE HARD CHAPTER, APPARENT SUFFERING THROUGH A SICK CHILD AND WHAT YOUR CHILD IS GOING THROUGH IS JUST SO HARD AND SO HEARTBREAKING. AND TO HAVE THAT MOMENT THAT YOU HAVE BEEN WORKING TOWARD YOUR WHOLE LIFE, YOU JUST REACHED THE APEX OF YOUR CAREER, YOU MAY NEVER AGAIN BE AT THE OSCARS, AND ANYONE WHO EVER THINKS THEY ARE GOING TO WIND UP AT THE OSCARS IS DELUSIONAL, IT JUST DOESN'T WIND UP AT THE OSCARS IS DELUSIONAL, IT JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN. AND YET YOU HAVE FOUND YOURSELF THERE AT THIS INCREDIBLE TRIUMPHANT UNLIKELY MOMENT.

DARIUS: I DID ALWAYS KNOW I WOULD BE THERE BUT GO ON.

MISHA: AT THE SAME TIME YOU ARE SUFFERING THROUGH THE MOST EXHAUSTING AND MOST EMOTIONALLY DRAINING THING IMAGINABLE, AND IT WAS ALMOST LIKE A KIND OF CRUEL JOKE FROM THE UNIVERSE, IT SEEMED.

DARIUS: IT WAS THE CRUELEST DICHOTOMY. AND I THINK WHAT WAS IMPORTANT FOR ME AT THAT TIME IS I WAS NAVIGATING A LOT, PRESS, THE OSCARS, I WAS DIRECTING SOMETHING ELSE OF THE TIME, RUNNING BACK AND FORTH AT THE HOSPITAL, SLEEPING ON A HOSPITAL COT, DOING ALL THE STUFF, THAT I NEEDED SOMETHING NEAR ME THAT I UNDERSTOOD, YOU KNOW?

I NEEDED SOMEONE NEAR ME THAT I FELT GROUNDING RIGHT THEN. AND THAT WAS ACTUALLY THE TRUTH OF IT, IS LIKE, YOU ARE THE PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE -- FACE OF THE EARTH THAT I COULD CALL ON AT THAT MOMENT AND I NEEDED IT.

____________

These are some of the moments from the zoom. It was quite emotional as you can tell from the little bit of transcript I'm posting. You can tell how close these two are and how much they have been there for each other over the years, how well they know each other. They have one of those rare life long friendships.

I do wanna say this and I'm not saying it to be rude or anything but I remember there was a cameo that Misha did and he said he was helping a friend with a sick child and the person who bought the cameo got mad cuz their question wasn't answered and they said cruel things about Misha. Well, shame on you.

We may not have had this information at the time but you never assume when someone mentions a sick kid and don't mention how bad it is, it could be nothing or it could be something major like with Darius' kid. Misha could have not done the cameo at all but he did when he had his best friend and his best friends kid on his mind and was worried about. Shame on anyone who said mean things from that cameo. Misha always does the best he can for all of us.

Anyway, I hope we get to see more from these two in the future. They are both amazingly talented individuals.

[strawberrystar7]

Information about me and this Blog:

I've been thinking about this for a while now and came to the decision that I should give some information on what types of post you guys can expect from me. So here's some information about me and a list of shows, movies and games I really like.

So first things first: If you're a proshipper unfollow now and don't even think about interacting with me! I do not want to see you on my blog. Anyway, I'm known as StrawberryStar however I also go by the name Starberry since it's shorter and a combination of strawberry and star. I'm a 20 year old female. I speak both German and English relatively fluently I also am able to speak a bit Spanish however my Spanish really isn't taht good. I draw in my freetime. I don't usually call myself an Artist because I don't do it very often and I honestly don't think I'm good but I do draw when I feel like it because I like doing it even if I may not be very good. So I may or may not post a drawing in the future. Don't expect it to be very good or anything tho and don't expect it to come for sure tho. I usually don't tend to upload a lot of my drawings. I usually don't think about uploading them and if I do it usually only comes months after I've drawn it. There are some pics of my drawing on my Instagram (which also can be found when looking for StrawberryStar) and my old DeviantArt Account (which I'm not gonna name since I don't use it anymore) but I'm not very reliable when it comes to art posts (or posts in general). Right now I don't have much time on drawing things anyway but I may or may not post something if I find the time. Who knows. Even I can't say for sure. Anyway, I love analysing my favorite shows and talking about details and such so you can expect stuff like that. However just like with the artposts don't expect them to come often. They'll probably come more often than the artposts (those may as well never come it depends on how I feel) but I generally do not post a lot on social media. Most of my posts probably will be random junk like me complaining about proshippers or stuff like that.

Now about my favorite movies: I generally love watching Disney/Pixar movies and superhero movies. However I haven't watched a lot of them. My favorite movie right now is Encanto. I just love the themes and how it focuses on following the only family member who doesn't seem very special at first glance but in actually may as well be the most special in her family for not needing a supernatural gift to be talented. I also like the movie Turning Red a lot. It just reminds me a lot of when I was that age. And just like with Encanto I really like the themes here. I've also really liked the movie Inside Out when it came out back then and I still like it to this date. Tho I haven't watched it in quiet some time. I also like both Frozen 1 and 2 and I like Tangled. I do like the original Spider-Man movies from 2002-2007 (I think that's the time they came out?) And the The Amazing Spider-Man movies from 2012-2014 (if I remember correctly). As you probably can guess I really like Spiderman. I also like the Iron Man movies from 2008-2013.

Now here's a list of my favorite shows so don't be surprised if I ever post about them: Miraculous, My Hero Academia, Demon Slayer, Little Witch Academia, Lost Song, My Little Pony, Amphibia, The Owl House. Both Amphibia and The Owl House actually take the top spots when it comes to my favorite shows. Funny considering how at first I tried avoiding these because the giant bugs in Amphibia and the horrifying fantasy world of The Owl House creeped me out. I actually only started watching Amphibia after season 3B started airing but I'm happy I did end up giving both of these shows a chance since they're so great.

A short list of my favorite games: I love playing games however I get some kind of motion sickness really fast when I start playing certain types of games and I don't know what's up with that but it's the biggest reason why I don't tend to play a lot of games. Anyway, I really like playing Hollow Knight, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, A Hat In Time and Minecraft. I also like the Pokémon Genre a lot. I did notice that I can play Zelda, Hollow Knight and Pokémon without problems however as soon as I try playing A Hat In Time or Minecraft? Well let's just say I get sick really fast. There's also some games I really like but can't play myself because they're horror and I would end up breaking/throwing something valuable. Like I really like Bendy and the ink machine and the FNaF franchise. However if I'd try playing them myself I would definitely end up breaking something.

And well of course here's a list of my favorite ships: I actually don't really care much for shipping because I'm usually happy as long as the characters are happy don't end up in a toxic relationship but that doesn't mean there aren't certain ships I do prefer. First things first my most favorite ship of all time is Lumity. Those two just are the cutest. They're my OTP. I can never get enough of those two. Then there's my favorite MLB ships. Lukanette, Marichat and pretty much every side of the love square because every single one has a different dynamic and makes it so interesting, Julrose and Marcaniel. My favorite MHA ships are Izuocha, Todomomo and Kiribaku. I don't really like Bakudeku, Tododeku or Bakutododeku. I find the Izuku x Bakugo ships toxic however I don't really hate any of those ships. I just don't care for them and would prefer other ships over them. Tho I guess I'd prefer Tododeku over Bakudeku.

Now my favorite characters: As you might have guessed it Amity Blight is my absolutely most favorite fictional character. Mirabel Madrigal is close tho. However I also like Luz Noceda, Anne Boonchuy, Sprig Plantar, Polly Plantar, Dolores Madrigal, Isabela Madrigal, Zoé Lee, Fei Wu, Juleka Couffaine, Luka Couffaine, Alya Césaire, Ochako Uraraka, Izuku Midoryia, Diana Cavendish, Nezuko Kamado, Tanjiro Kamado, Shinobu Kocho & Kanao Tsyuri.

Anyway, as mentioned above don't expect me to post often but what you can expect from me is random posts about either one of the movies, shows or games I mentioned. Most of my posts probably will be about Miraculous tho. So if you don't like that show I should warn you that most of my posts are about that.

[nullconvention]

I don't have anything really smart to say about it, but I really loved your Garfield essay! I think a parallel can be drawn between something like Garfield and the phenomenon of mangaka, for example, drawing out a single fight over months worth of chapters and chapters interspersed with filler that doesn't go anywhere not necessarily because they're bad writers or don't have a sense for good pacing, but because their precarious financial livelihood depends on keeping their manga in weekly/monthly magazines as long as possible. Garfield is a particularly extreme and cynical end of that spectrum, of course, but it is pretty revealing about the place of art and artists in our present capitalist economy. In many ways we haven't really moved past the renaissance model of an artist only being able to survive while producing art by ingratiating themselves to a wealthy benefactor or the church and producing things to flatter their particular tastes--the benefactors have just gotten spread out from being a single Italian trader's family to a niche audience of nerdy weirdos and boomers consuming out of habit. Have you seen Jacob Geller and Super Eyepatch Wolf's videos on the Simpsons? They get into some interesting stuff similar to Garfield Without Garfield and all that, how these kinds of thoroughly wrung out franchises can spawn interesting stories and observations just by reframing them in some way.

I haven't seen Geller/Wolf's stuff but yeah, you're not wrong at all. The essay itself was sort of a joke - written more for fun than to be incredibly precise like I'd normally be. Content is just the modern form of artwork, and art is a product of the artificial class-oriented division between utility and speech, and Garfield is the perfect iteration of content in modern comic form - sort of a prototype of what we understand content churn now.

[hallmark-movie-fanatics]

Becca Tobin on Why Stephanie & Ben Are a 'Great Match' in 'Sister of the Bride'

By Meredith Jacobs Meredith Jacobs

Women can have it all — love and a career — and that's exactly what Stephanie is after in the newest Hallmark Channel rom-com, Sister of the Bride.

In Becca Tobin's latest movie with the network, she plays Stephanie, for whom everything seems to be falling into place when she's up for tenure and her boyfriend of six months, Ben (Ryan Rottman), proposes. Upon returning home to share the news of their engagement with her family, she learns that her sister, Tracy (Chelsea Gilson), is also newly engaged.

TV Insider spoke with Tobin about Sister of the Bride and what draws her to Hallmark films.

Can you start by talking about your character? Where is Stephanie personally and professionally when the movie begins?

Becca Tobin: Stephanie is on track to make tenure as an anthropology professor, and she is in a really exciting place in her career because she's one of the youngest in her field at the moment to be on track to doing that.

She is newly engaged to her boyfriend, and they hit a bit of a crossroads when he gets the opportunity of a lifetime for a job in Cambridge. The movie picks up in a place where they've just gotten engaged and he is up for this big job, so they're figuring out what comes next.

So, let's talk about Ben. Who is he and what makes him such a good match for Stephanie that getting engaged after six months is a no-brainer?

Ben is also a really career-driven man, and he's kind and loving, and after six months, Stephanie talks about how she's never felt this way about someone and even though it's quick, it felt special and different. We've all been in those situations before.

They have an incredible connection, and from the beginning of the movie, you really do root for them as a couple because they have a lot of similarities with the career stuff, and they obviously are very family-oriented and they want a family of their own one day. They're a great match, it's just sometimes timing is really complicated with relationships.

They haven't been dating too long, so are the challenges they face here the first real problems they've had in their relationship?

Yeah, they're probably the biggest problems they've faced in six months and they're pretty big problems, so they've been thrown into the fire off the bat.

How do the two of them work through conflict? Similar methods? Different ones?

They seem to deal with things similarly. At first, they both want to avoid and not really have to think about the different options because they're waiting to get the final verdict on the job, and then they get the final verdict and they both are too afraid to talk about it because they love each other so much that they are both very scared to lose each other by discussing it.

Ultimately, they communicate and they voice their really true, honest opinions and feelings about the issue and they come to a conclusion.

Can you talk about Stephanie's family? What are they like, especially in comparison to her, and how does she get along with each member?

Stephanie comes from a really, really tight family. She has a sister and her two parents, and they are all pretty similar, but Stephanie has definitely been the most impulsive of the family members. Her sister is an attorney, and she's been very rational her whole life, and Stephanie operates a little bit more from her heart. You can see that [her family has] dealt with this her whole life, and they love her and accept her for it, but that's definitely something that she does differently from the rest of the family.

How does Ben get along with Stephanie's family?

At first, there's a little bit of tension just because he's spending time with my family for the first time, and it's after a very quick engagement, so you can see that Stephanie's dad is hesitant. It's tense in the beginning, but Stephanie's sister and mom really do love Ben from the get-go, so it is a nice thing to see.

Can you compare the sisters' relationships? What do Stephanie and Ben admire about Tracy and Preston's relationship, and what do Tracy and Preston admire about Stephanie and Ben's?

Tracy and Preston have been together a lot longer, for several years before their engagement. They're just a little bit more of the planners, but I think that Stephanie and Ben's connection is just as deep. It's just a different kind, but I think each sister respects the other and sees that Preston is such a good match and Ben is such a good match, even though they're very different people.

You've now done two wedding movies and one Christmas movie now on Hallmark. Is there anything you'd like to tackle next on the network? Do you have anything else coming up?

Nothing's coming up, but I always have such a good time doing these movies, so I really have no preference. I would love to do another Christmas movie. I think that that's just such an incredible time of year for the network, and it's just such a fun to be a part of, so that would be awesome, but again, I would do any type of project with the network because I'm just such a big fan and it's always such an enjoyable experience.

(A Song for Christmas)

What draws you to these roles, where you know your character's going to have a happy ending?

I really like that you know with Hallmark, you're going to, most of the time, get that happy ending. We like seeing that, women, men, no matter where you come from or where you live or what your situation is, it's always really nice to sit down and immerse yourself in this world of Hallmark. I'm really drawn to these projects and these characters because it's always very positive and optimistic.

These roles are also really three-dimensional women. Stephanie, for instance, is a really family-oriented girl who wants a family of her own but also wants a really incredible career, and so that resonates with me a lot because that's pretty much who I am and all the women in my life. I like being able to represent that for women and be able to say, "you can have it all and it's okay to want it all."

Sister of the Bride, Movie Premiere, Saturday, June 29, 9/8c, Hallmark Channel

SOURCE:

https://www.tvinsider.com/789085/becca-tobin-sister-of-the-bride-hallmark-stephanie-ben/

[jamiebluewind]

Thank You

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for being kind. I know some of you must be... annoyed that I haven't been sharing anything lately (I have too if I'm being honest), but nobody has thrown any hate at me for it and for that, I'm grateful.

I've been resting up since I got out of the hospital, a fact that has been driving me crazy if I'm being honest. Only so many hours in a day and I'm spending so many of um in the bed (doesn't help that dad fussed at me for it)! Then I tell myself that if one of you were in the same position, I'd be fussing your ear off for thinking such a thing and trying to get you to rest, so I'm trying to give myself the same courtesy.

I'm... hesitant to share what went wrong, not for embarrassment but because I don't want yall to worry. Then I realized that this post has probably already make you think far worse, so here goes...

WARNING: Blood mention, illness, body function mention, pain, menstruation, confusion, dehydration, (please tell me if I missed any!)

I got an IUD put in. I didn't want it, but my periods are bad and my insurance wouldn't cover just removing the parts before trying this first. It caused a lot of pain due to having nothing for pain, the person putting it in not knowing what they were doing, and them using silver nitrate without rinsing it off which gave me chemical burns on my cervix. I stayed in pain and they responded saying to take a tylenol and I'd eventually be fine. During this time, I bled constantly. Not a lot, but some. I also had my normal periods to deal with. I found out it was even effecting my mood and making me tired (hormones, constant cramping, or both, you be the judge). Two months in, I wanted it out. They said I just needed to tough it out and I would be fine by 6 months. I'm pretty sure my face did a thing that symotaniously screamed confusion and "fuck you", but I did as I was told.

In the meantime (during December and even now), my heater thermostat started doing something weird. I set the temp, but it would let it get down to like 55° F (12.7° C) at night when it was set on like 68 (20° C). During the day, it would get about 10° F warmer than what it was set (so like 78° F or 26° C). It was kicking on, but not regulating it how it was supposed to. I told my landlady, but they take for-freaking-ever! So out comes an electric blanket to keep me warm at night. I basically lived under the thing after the sun set! I just kept it on one or two so I wouldn't get too warm. I was also feeling crapy (*gestures to previous paragraph*), which meant more bed time than normal.

A few days before Christmas, I got a shot that was supposed to last a month and help block a nerve that causes migraines. I have debilitating hemiplegic migraines and the risk was very low, so I decided to give it a shot. The medication is very new and due to my rare form of migraine reacting atypically to medications, you would think I would know by now not to try medications that haven't been out long.

The fourth and final domino in all this was all the running due to the holiday season. I'm disabled and I have a weak immune system, but I kept pushing myself. I walked so much price shopping for things for everyone that would both mean something and not break budget (even when me left leg wanted to nope out) because Dad gave me a bit of money last minute to help me buy gifts and I only had a week. I wrapped gifts for dad and myself. I cleaned and did some baking. Then there was the driving and the great but exhausting time with family and playing catch with my youngest nephew until my arm was nearly falling off. When I eventually got back home, my whole body had this bone deep ache. Not like overworking muscles after not using them for a long time, but like I had the flu. This is on top of the cramping.

*Note: Some of the information past this point is things the medical staff told me happened, things my dad said happened, and texts*

I would get better and worse. Always worse when I first woke up (remember the blanket?). I went to dad's for a traditional southern New Year's meal. He said I was spacey, lethargic, and far more quiet than normal. My eyes had trouble focusing and I had trouble concentrating. I looked tired so, he made me sleep before driving home. I woke up about 3 am, drank a glass of water, drove home, wrote a post about it (which took entirely too long for me to write), and went to bed.

The next morning, I woke up and just... laid there. I was having trouble figuring out where my body was. It just felt numbed somehow. I called my neurologist thinking it was a side effect the the drug. I'm not sure what I said, but they made me go to the ER.

I'm not sure how I drove there to be honest. I do remember somebody honking. I'm glad it was close, but still. It's a wonder I didn't get in a wreck!

I don't remember much. A yellow floor sign. A woman writing with a marker. Another woman with brown drawn on eyebrows. A machine that had a small piece of that brown first aid tape stuck to it. A name that made me think of the green emoji face (which my normal brain has yet to figure out). I had trouble talking and thinking. I remember repeating "stay still" over and over the (I think it was) several times I was instructed to, because if I didn't, I'd forget. I'm pretty sure I left my room several times. I know I went to my car once. I remember eating food, but I only recall a pineapple cup because I realized partway that I had a spoon that I could use. I kept forgetting to tell them I was hurting when they asked. I had a headache and sick stomach. I also felt so cold and my feet were like ice, but I was running a low grade fever after all.

I started feeling a little better, but the doctor still admitted me. I had a white count, but they couldn't figure out from where. I messaged a few people to let them know what was going on finding typing easier than talking. I used that to my advantage and typed out my allergies to show a nurse.

They struggled getting the IV in, even on my hand. When it finally was in I was hooked up to fluids to keep it open. More blood taken to try and figure out what was wrong. I gave them what urine sample I could which was tinted (I couldn't help it). They had already done some type of brain scan (but I didn't remember it). I kept having minor dizzy spells, but I attributed it too all the blood they took.

They kept giving me stuff, but nothing helped my headache. It wasn't a migraine, but still very nasty. I was grateful when something finally seemed to help.

My nurse came back with lots of juice to go with my super so I'd have something to drink and a container of ice water. She was new to the hospital and hung around at times just checking on me and talking. Just a nice person. It was otherwise a lot of sleeping.

The longer I stayed, the easier it was to communicate, but the tests couldn't figure out why. They ruled out seizures and a stroke. A mini stroke was highly unlikely and didn't fit. They couldn't find an infection anywhere. My white count went back to normal. They couldn't figure it out.

That was until my nurse from the previous day came back. We just talked about general things until I made a joke about the urine sample from the day before. She asked if it was clean catch and I said yes, but just barely. That ended up causing questions and her checking charts. Turns out that despite being there since the morning before, I had peed twice (with the last time hours before). She pressed on my bladder which wasn't distended. 3 bags of fluid, 3 meals (2 of which I know I ate all of), plus whatever I drank. I had been dehydrated to the point that it had caused my white count to go up and was the reason behind my confusion, lethargy, dizziness, headache, nausea, and low urine output. I was pretty surprised. I was released before lunch.

Pushing past my limits, minor medication side effects (including one long term med), staying under an electric blanket too much to stay warm (combined with exhaustion which meant longer in bed and less time awake to drink water), and pain and constant bleeding due to my IUD... all those things combined causing it to happen. I'm still... oof. Still tired. Still weak. Still recovering. Sleeping so much that the days fly by. Drinking lots of water. And otherwise doing just fine (save for my sleep schedule going to shit again). I still love my electric blanket; it's just been temporary retired until I can get myself rehydrated again. That means my other blankets are out of the vacuum bags and piled up to keep me warm ^_^

Speaking of warm, I have my very own love bug/velcro/snuggle buddy Danny who has been on me like white on rice since I got home. He's a good boy

[mynewblogishere]

Lately, I feel so lonely and depressed. And when I feel the most lonely and depressed I always feel drawn back here. Probably because when Tumblr was "active" was probably the last time I felt like I had any kind of community. I'm pretty sure my last few posts here have been something about missing the community here.

I'm nearly 38, happily married with 3 kids, and probably the most alone and depressed I've ever felt in my life. It's 10:11pm. I was just in the shower, the 2 youngest kids asleep in my bed, and I was thinking about how I've never been good at anything. Not a hobby, a sport, a school subject, not good at friends, or most relationships. I just wanted to lay down and cry and give up. Showers are supposed to help, at least for me. They usually renew my soul or some shit like that. Make it easier to carry on another day. I feel like such a failure. I think a lot of all the things I never did. I never lost that weight, I never bought a real house, I never got over my shyness, I never found something to be passionate about. I feel like a crap mom. A shit wife. My oldest is depressed. I have her in therapy but I can barely talk to her. I'm really good with the littles, but not with the oldest. We had a rough patch when I was pregnant with my 3rd. She was 13 or so and terrible to me. I felt like I had no idea who she was anymore. A total stranger. Probably typical for her age but we had always been so close and suddenly she turned on me hard. She's ok now but I haven't been able to find my way back and I don't know why. Maybe because my relationship with my own mom sucked. But I'm failing her and I don't know how to fix it. My little kids love me, but I fear the same thing happening with them when they become teenagers. Will I not recognize them anymore? Will I lose the connection I have with them too? Is this normal? I can't tell. I remember being close to my own mom until about that age. I moved out at 16. I felt like she hated me. Like she couldn't wait for me to leave, so I did. She didnt try to stop me. Didn't try to bring me home. And now 20 years later she likes to guilt trip me about how she never gets called mom. I always see her comment to other people about how great they are to their moms. But I don't feel like she's my mom. The word mom feels icky to me. Everything I ever did was wrong. Every word. Every gift I bought. Every opinion I had was wrong. She lives maybe 5 minutes away. She comes by 1x a month. For maybe an hour. My littles don't really like her. They don't know her. How could they? She doesnt want to be here but gets upset that they don't know her. I try to do nice stuff for her when I can but it doesn't matter really. It's never as nice as what her stepdaughter can do. I use to call her . I stepsister but recently realized that she never reciprocated. She would tell people I was her dad's wife's daughter. Nevermind that our parents have been married since I was 6. I guess I was never her sister. Last year, when I posted support for Kaepernick, her husband blocked me. I unfriended her so she wouldn't have to be subjected to my dirty liberal ways. We haven't talked since. Holidays are weird now. I'm sad for my kids. They were little when the pandemic hit. So they already don't know most of my 'family' but now that most of them hate me, they really don't know anyone.

I spend a lot of my time on tiktok. I follow a lot of young mom's, most have littles like me, but they're all young. Early 20s. I can't relate even though sometimes I forget that. I'm almost 40. My oldest is almost graduating high school. I'm simultaneously in two separate stages of momhood. One kid about to be done. If I had stopped after her, id be so close to done. But my youngest hasnt even started school. He has 2.5 more years or so. I won't be done for a long long time. I'm going to very old by the time I'm done. And then what. What will I do? I feel like Im already too old to find a calling. I can't, I won't go back to school. What would I do anyways. What I really wish, I really wish I had friends. Friends in similar stages of life. Friends who could relate. I had Internet friends once upon a time. But I always feel like everyone hates me. So I stop "bothering" them and of course I never hear from them again so that proves me right doesn't it. They must hate me if they don't talk to me without my doing so first. But it's always been that way.

I was going to post this on my main account but I have chickened out and I think I'll just go ahead and post it on my backup account that nobody I know knows exists. Anyways, I'm out of steam. My sad is getting to heavy and typing it out isnt lightening the load. Maybe I'll post again someday and it won't be so sad.