#i haven't been suicidal in a while but i have been sleeping 16 hours a day bc i cant fathom being awake and existing as me

[stabyou]

the way i need genuine intense psychological rewiring just so i can talk to people in a normal setting is just crazy to me. i would ask what happened to me but i have always been this way, it just keeps getting worse and worse

[athanasia-day]

In honor of the Suicide Prevention Month I think i like to share some thoughts about it and some realizations I just had. I'll be writting this in English and it isn't really my native language, so bare with me.

It was early December of 2021, I was a few months over 16 when I decided that I was finally done with life. Being honest, the idea of suicide had already crossed my mind since I was really young, when? I couldn't exactly tell you, but I was really young when I came to understand that, I wasn't scared of death like everyone else, instead, I crave it.

I can not by any means tell you what made me and still makes me so sad. Maybe it was the fact that I didn't love myself enough, that I didn't feel loved or maybe I was just born sad and tired.

Since kid, I was one of those smarty pants girls who loved books and praise from anyone around me, I craved validation.

So, in 2021, when my anxiety and depression hit me the hardest, I simply dropped, there isn't other word I could use to describe it. I stopped caring about grades or making friends, I only wanted to sleep for hours and to read in a quiet place.

A fact that I always remind myself now that I'm in uni and everyone keeps asking why I choose this career, I always said "it's what I wanted to do since I was a kid" because that was the last time I imagine myself as an adult. After that? I didn't see myself living past my sixteens. Even now it's difficult for me imagining a day where I'll be 30.

That December, when my grades arrived I just knew that I had disappointed my family, and I think that was the last straw at that moment, the only thing keeping me sane was the need of validation. Without that? I was lost.

So, 16 years old me decided that I was gonna take advantage of my family not keeping tabs of the multiple pills we had. I didn't know how It worked, and I'm thankful that it didn't cross my mind to do more research.

I remember my mother screaming at my dad because of my grades as my older brother hugged me, saying that they were just grades, that I least didn't fail any subject or something.

That night, while I was hiding in my family room (where we all slept together except for my older brother), I was lying on my little brother's bed while I was planning.

When it was midnight, I went down stairs knowing mom would be asleep and I checked the pills and grabbed some. I went to my brother's bed again and lay there with the pills.

And yes, as horrorific as it sounds, I was ready to die in my brother's bed, and thinking about that, what the hell was I thinking? The twins were both 10, and they would be the first ones to find my body, how could they ever sleep on those beds again? Knowing that their sister died there?

I was just lying there and processing if I should really go on with my plan when I decided to text my friend to get some help or to simply say goodbye, after all, my parents' goodbye letters have already been written years ago.

So, it was like 2 a.m when I texted my friend, Andrea, and yes, I'm name dropping her because she's an amazing human being and I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her.

I got into a long talk with her, and even though it didn't change my mind, she made me promise to go out with them some days later. I didn't know that she shared our conversation with our others friends till days later on the outing I saw my friends conversation with another one.

And, it may not sound like much, how could a simple hang out mean so much that it makes you change you mind on suicide? But it meant the world to me, but it reminded me that I am loved, that there would be people who would cry and miss me. It gave me what I had lost sight of, that I was more than some value defined by the things I did or haven't done.

A month later I made a new letter that I personally read to my dad, and I don't think he really understood how deeply hurt I was or how bad the situation was before, but the hug he gave that day cured a lot of wounds that I didn't even knew where there.

Today, I had a very good day, and I'm thankful to say that I enjoyed so much more of life that I would have if I had taken that choice when I was 16.

I realized that, if I had taken that choice, my mom and family would had buried two bodies in a month, my grandpa's, my mom's dad who passed away a few days after my outing, and mine.

Today, I'm 19, because I was reminded by the people who really cared about me that I was more than what I saw in the mirror, that I was more than some bad grades.

Today, I'm 19, studying a career that I can't tell you right now if I love, but that I certainly like. I go to uni Monday to Friday, I work in the morning, I'm studying English and looking to study more languages.

Today, I'm 19, because even if my mom and I fought a lot, I still love her enough to stay by her side, because I love our fights even though I cry a lot during them, because I love how she bakes chocolate cakes and hears me when I talk about Taylor Swift, Doctor Who, Percy Jackson or whatever I'm obsessing at the moment.

Today, I'm 19, because Andrea, Vicky, Jonathan and Maru where there for me and loved me even when I couldn't do it myself. And I'm so very thankful for that, and I swear that I'll live to the fullest with the new life they gave me.

And you, who is reading this, stranger, friend or someone I know that I decided to share this with, know that you're loved, even if you can't see it.

I won't lie to you, it will hurt, you will have your drops, but, and as cliche as it sounds, life is not only about the bad things in our life. It's about that chocolate cake that awaits for you at the table, about that book you still haven't finished, about that friend who would forever remind you as a more than a depressed person, but as their soulmate.

Take care, and thank you for reading.

[xxskyethetiredemoxx]

I just need to vent rn. Tw for suicide mentions/ideation, sh, and depressing shit.

I feel so alone tonight. Or today I general. I wanted to have a day to rest, cause I've been really tired lately, and I wanted a day where I don't have to do anything. I did almost nothing today, I got 11 hours of sleep, and I had an almost nap (like I was kinda semi conscious? Idk, I can't have normal naps most of the time). But I'm still so drained.

Everything's just been making me cry, for some reason. I've been breaking down so many times today, and idk why. I've been thinking about my past. Idk how I could ever forgive my parents for everything they've done to me, but I pretty much have to act like I don't remember it all, or don't care anymore, and have put it all behind me. I've tried so hard to put it behind me. I can't. They've done so much, and they don't care or realise what that's done to me, and I'm sick of having to live with it while they get to just move on completely.

My father's admitted that he made a lot of mistakes in the past, but he doesn't realise everything that's done to me. My mother probably doesn't give a shit. I sometimes wonder who I'd be without the abuse and trauma I've had, but I don't wanna mourn the person I never was. It's pointless.

I'm so worried for my friend. They attempted recently, and I haven't heard from them today, and it looks like they've blocked me, which they sometimes do when they're going through a really bad episode. I don't hold that against them, I understand why they do it. I used to get worried that they hate me, or I'd feel resentment towards them, but since they've explained a lot of why they act the way they do, I'm just worried for them now. So fucking worried.

It's 2am for me, and I can't get the idea of attempting or relapsing into sh out of my head. I can't do this anymore. I don't wanna do this anymore. Everything is going too fast, my future feels hopeless, and I'd have been dead at 14 if it weren't for other people. Why am I alive just for other people?

I have no one to talk to about any of this shit rn. I feel alone, like I'm screaming into a void, and no one's there to answer. I can't cope. I keep wanting to end the pain forever.

Why the fuck have I had to deal with so much in my life? Why do I have so much trauma, why can I almost never feel happy, why do I just get more shit thrown at me every time I think it's getting better? I'm 16, I've had my childhood ripped away from me, and replaced with the most fucked up shit life can throw at me. And I'm just meant to believe it gets better? That I can just think more positively? That life is a beautiful thing worth living, when it's been so cruel to me from the beginning? How? Why?

I'm so sick of this. I'm so done. There's no point. Maybe I'll continue living for the sake of it. Why tf not. I'll just get beaten down again and again, might as well just accept it already, and stop throwing myself a fucking pity party every time something bad happens. As though, what, I'm special? People go through worse. I fucking hate myself so much.

Whatever. I'm going to sleep. Take care of yourself, whoever is reading this. You are loved.

[nathank77]

8/16/24

8:11 p.m

They should actually have microsleep support groups. You don't know trauma until you hear a voice talking at you for 120 hours while you close your eyes saying awful scary things and you don't know what happening to you and you can't fall asleep no matter. And you're afraid to seek help bc you're afraid you'll get locked away.

Mike said he did... but he seems unphased by it. I even said to him when he asked me why do you keep talking about killing yourself is something else going on except sleep issues?

I said NO SLEEP ISSUES ARE ENOUGH TO MAKE ME JUMP OFF A BRIDGE. SLEEP ISSUES ALONE. MY ONLY PROBLEM IS SLEEP ISSUES.

Then I said to him I know you microslept but clearly you aren't as traumatized as I am by it. Maybe you didn't do it as long as I did. Maybe you worked through it. Maybe you made your peace with it. But I haven't.

I keep talking about suicide bc insomnia eventually means MICROSLEEP

Unfortunately I can't seem to find that 4 day thing... and that means today might be the all nighter I've doubled up 2 days in a row many times and been fine subsequential days.

I have never doubled up 3 days in a row. And that scares me I don't want to raise my tolerance. And I can't fucking over do the Melatonin bc I get that Tingly body feeling.... and then I get flashbacks.....

I just copied and pasted microsleep support groups bc I don't want to see what Google suggests bc the word makes me want to cry... and they don't exist. I'd join a fb group but I'm afraid of other people triggering me... but they dont even have microsleep support groups....

It's all just insomnia and narcolepsy..

It's sad cause I want to be understood. Mike makes me feel less understood bc he is over it like its isn't one of the most traumatizing things that can happen to you.

In a voice hearing support groups I met one person who it happened to early on when the voice was too loud. The deep sadness in her eyes. The pain. I know that pain. It felt good to know i wasn't the only one who it broke. I wasn't alone.

I wish I could find a place where the trauma could be truly understood. It's like being starved.. it's a basic human need..

I remember explaining it to Erin... when I developed psychosis that's when I microslept. Both of these things happened concurrently. And I can only imagine what's left of my brain.

Microsleep damages your brain. Psychosis is brain damage. Am I going to make it to 40 even if I fight? Or will my brain fall apart?

Will I even sleep tonight?

[the-mortifying-ordeal-of]

more votes for switching straight from suicidal severe depression to hypomania: I've been needing significantly less sleep (6 hours instead of 9-10) while feeling increasingly alert, and I worked a 12 hour day yesterday without excessive caffeine or distraction after months of being unable to focus for more than 15 minutes and only working maaaaybe 2-3 hours/day. So. That's a bit dramatic. I don't quite feel like everything around me is in slow motion, and I don't think I have racing thoughts, I still have abysmal self-worth.. but I'm gonna keep an eye on this.

OH MY GOD I FORGOT ABOUT THE VH. So back when I was 15-16, I'd see shadows out of the corner of my eye and get real jumpy, and twice I had ~visions~ of worms in my cereal or snakes in a pond. When I reported the last two at my hospitalization, all the staff super fixated on that and I remember saying I lied for attention so they'd stop pestering me. I haven't had the full-ass visions, but the shadows are back and this morning I swore I saw something crawling on one of my hung-up shirts in the closet. I shook it a ton and never saw anything fly off. Admittedly I did have a few stray ants in my apartment a few weeks ago, so maybe I'm still hyper-attuned and vigilant bc of that. But it's all eerily familiar to my teenage years.

Haven't smoked, haven't taken benadryl in a while, haven't drank at home in a few weeks, haven't had an energy drink in about a week... I've had my daily multivitamin and green smoothies, and I'm on day 5 of Wellbutrin. I'm either healing or hypomanic. Either way, I'm not complaining. This feels better.

[thebangtancloud]

I'm really afraid...

dearest readers, it's been the longest period of time I've been away from Tumblr - a place that really had become a stress buster for me for the past whole year. Needless to say, I'm more stressed than I've ever been.

Tomorrow by this, I'd probably be sleeping for 16 hours straight after finishing my exam. I really needed to come here and just let out a few of my frustrations before I can write my exam tomorrow. I'm really struggling with a shit ton of things rn, and it's really come to the stage where I've saturated my brain to the point where I go blank minutes into opening my book. Maybe I just need to talk about it.

Thankfully I'm not as anxious as I thought I would be. A few months ago - when my anxiety was getting out of my hand - there would be instances I'd simply pass out due to my stress, which I feared would happen during my exam or even before it. I made it a point to eat healthy food regularly to give my body the nutrition that it needs, but somewhere down the line, I haven't been taking good care of myself.

I've stopped working out like I used to, I don't run anymore and neither am I able to sit through long workouts because I'm exhausted from sitting at my desk all day. A few weeks ago I went through a really dark phase, to the point where I wasted a good week doing absolutely nothing but lying down in the darkness and thinking about all the things that could go wrong with my life. During that time, I excessively slept for almost 12 hours each day, went to cook some food or do some work and lie back down for another nap. That really terrified me, because one day I found myself taking the lift to the last floor of my building and simply standing by an open window - emotionless. That really... idk. That scared me. It planted a thought in my head that should never germinate, never even be there for that matter. I told my mum that night and needless to say, she was really shaken. She clearly told me the next day when she left for work, "Just take it easy. And don't go to the 18th floor. Just don't."

Of course, I haven't gone there ever since. Maybe it was me crying out to God every night - but I came out of that phase just as quickly as I slipped into it. I don't even want to mention this, but it's been playing on my mind for a while so why not. There was this big thing in my country regarding the postponement of the entrance exam. Apparently, the dates were clashing with a bunch of different exams and giving the students a lot of stress. A case was filed which was taken to the High Court because apparently there were 16 reported suicides due to the pressure on the students. The case - of course - was dismissed with the exam scheduled to take place as planned. That just really disturbed me.

I'm much more active now, just not like I want to be. I want to go for a run. I want to work out till my lungs burns. I want to go cycling in the rain. And I will after I'm done with this exam.

I know you're probably thinking of telling me to take it easy, but since I've given this exam last year and couldn't clear it, I know the stress and the disappointment that follows. I don't want to be in that same place again.

Thankfully, I feel healthy, unlike a few months ago when I'd feel lightheaded not even an hour after eating something (which was all due to my anxiety lol). I'm much more confident about my paper - the only fear now being blanking out in the middle of the exam.

*sigh*

I feel good to write this. I feel good to be back on Tumblr. The comments and messages people have left really warm my heart and make me feel so loved. Thank you so much for that. I love you all.

It's only me predicting the hibernation that I'll slip into after my exam, but my mum insists that I'll be too excited to even think of sleeping lol. If I do not end up sleeping for days on end, I'll soon be here to chat with you all!!

~Ray🌦