#i haven’t slept in 4 days and I’m grouchy at best

[apparitionalprincess]

tw ED/depression in tags/below

the depression is depressioning today and-

[usagis-tsukinos]

Brutal Love - 12

Read, Comment, or Kudo on Ao3!

Chapter 11

Chapter 13

"I Like to Think You Like Me."

Pairing: Lucifer x F!Reader

Rating: E for Everyone

Warnings: None

Words: 2,017

Ages: 14/16

Gabriel hadn’t texted her all day, and she was worried. They always FaceTimed in the morning as they’d get ready for school and texted throughout the day between seeing each other in the hallways and at lunch. In fact, Lucifer also hadn’t even opened her messages for the day, normally he at least left her on read. Around sixth period she finally texted Michael when neither of the boys read her messages:

1:35 P.M: Michael? :( Are Gabe and Luci okay? Neither have texted me or opened my messages. Did either say anything about being mad at me? Are they just playing hooky? Do I need to come by and check on them after school? :’((( a few minutes went by before her phone buzzed in her pocket, with Michael explaining that they’re not ignoring her; they’re sick.

1:42 P.M: SICK?! :’’’(( Can I come over and take care of them?? Please?? I’ll have them better in NO time, I promise! I don’t like imagining them being in the house all by themselves with no one to take care of them! They must’ve been sleeping all day, but I’m sure they were lonely!!!!

1:50 P.M: I don’t mind, just don’t get us sick, please. I’m sure they’d love for you to take care of them, Lucifer especially. :) With that one thought suddenly glued to her brain she nearly bolted out the classroom until she was reminded they didn’t get out until 2:15 P.M. She made a face, thinking about how miserable her two best friends must be as they laid in their respective beds trying not to cough up lungs.

Meanwhile, Gabriel had just woken up. Michael left DayQuil on his nightstand with some water and he finally opened his phone for the day, seeing 5 missed FaceTime calls, 27 text messages asking where he was and if he was okay and, of course, “Are you mad at me? :(“ with at least 4 missed phone calls. He sat up slowly, scrolling through each other's texts before his scroll was interrupted by: “I’ll be there at 3:00 to take care of you and Lucifer!” With a heart at the end. “She’s coming here? Didn’t Mike tell her we fevers–”

He heard Lucifer groan and get up from the next room, passing by Gabriel’s door as he went to the bathroom, “Hey, uh, Lucifer?” Gabriel called harshly, his voice barely there. “What?” The sound of the sink running could be heard. “We’re getting medical assistance here in a bit.” A pause, Lucifer standing at the sink trying to make sure what he heard was correct.

“We’re what?”

“She’s coming over to take care of us.” “Doesn’t that dumbass know we’re sick? I can’t deal with her right–” before his sentence could even finish the front door was flung open and she was running up the stairs, dressed up in a bright red My Melody nurse outfit that Lucifer bought her as gag gift, thinking he’d never get sick and so she’d never have to actually wear it. She even had a little red headband with a white heart in the middle and two hanging bunny ears on the side.

Lucifer stared at her in disbelief, “Go home.” She pouted, holding up a little nurse’s bag, “But I’m here to take care of you! I even got dressed up to do so!”

“No one asked you to do that!” Gabriel rolled his eyes at Lucifer’s outburst, motioning her towards him, “Here, you can take care of me for a while, and go check on Mr. Grouchy Pants in a few.” Following him into his room, she pulled up a chair as he got into bed. “Are you hungry?” Gabriel shook his head, “I haven’t had much of an appetite today. I think we’ve both just slept the whole day. Sorry I didn’t tell you I wouldn’t be at school today, I’m really just not feeling up to it.” She nodded, telling him it was okay and about her day, how she had to ask Michael what was wrong.

“Yeah, I figured you’d talked to him. By the way, do your parents even know about that outfit?” She looked down, thinking it over, “No, I don’t think so.” “Good, the last thing they need is knowing Lucifer bought that for you and you’re not even dating.” She wanted to ask why, but didn’t. They sat in silence for a bit as she tried to think of anything she could do for him until he spoke up, “Lucifer might be hungry, though. I already took my medicine, so I think I’ll just need some more water in a little bit.”

Getting up, she went down to the kitchen to make Lucifer a sandwich. The house was so quiet and Raphael wasn’t home yet. They must have after school activities. Same with Michael, if he wasn’t working or shopping for the house. Silently bringing it up the stairs, she lightly knocked on Lucifer’s door. “What do you want?” “I brought you food, can I come in?” After a second she opened the door, Lucifer laying in bed staring at his phone, barely acknowledging her.

“I made you and PB&J if you’d like it.”

“Can I ask you something?” He didn’t look away from his phone. “Why are you here?”

“I- you’re sick. I wanna take care of you.” She placed the plate on his nightstand, his dark room almost enveloping them besides the light from the doorway. Gabriel listened on the other side from his own bed, not saying a word.

“But why?” He emphasized, finally looking at her.

“Because I love you.” She replied softly, feeling hurt that he wouldn’t think she was serious about him. She watched Lucifer close his eyes and try to gather his words, his fever frustrating him as he attempted to wrap his head around this stupid crush she had on him. “Go home or something, I don’t need you to take care of me.” She fidgeted with the little white gloves she wore, “You.. want me to go home? You mean that?”

“Yes!”

She sat there for another moment, trying to hold her tears back before she got up, closing his door and walking back into Gabriel’s room. “He didn’t mean it.” He tried to soothe her, “He just doesn’t feel good.” She shook her head, debating on gathering her things as the tears started to fall. “I just wanted to make sure you guys were okay.

I don’t know when Michael or Raph are getting back and I don’t want them to be mad if I were to leave and you two needed something. I can’t just leave you two here, practically bedbound.” Gabriel took his temperature as she spoke, “Hey, look!” He ushered her over with his hand, “My fever’s gone, and I’m going to thank you for that!” She wiped her tears, smiling a little bit, moving the cloth from his head to put in his dirty clothes.

She wanted so badly to take care of them and at least she made Gabriel feel better, but Lucifer still had that violent cough that made it sound like he was dying. Gabe saw her frown at the sound and moved a little to want to check on him but stopped herself. Lucifer sighed and sat up in his bed, grabbing the sandwich and became almost nauseous with the guilt of yelling at her. He called for her, waiting for the door to open. When it did, he motioned for her to steal one of his chairs to sit next to the bed.

“I yelled at you and that.. Wasn’t okay.” She said nothing, not even looking at him with her hands in her lap. “I know you’re just being nice. But you know, somebody’s going to break that out of you one day!” She gave him a confused look, “But I like being nice to you.” “It’s going to get you hurt. If you were anyone else I would’ve taken advantage of that.” She opened her mouth for a moment, “No, you wouldn’t. Why would you think that? You’re very kind.”

Lucifer gave her a look, she couldn’t actually believe that, could she? He took a deep breath, “Do you really like me? Genuinely? Or just the idea of me? The pretty, rebellious bad boy type to match your innocent nature?” She moved back a little bit, “I’d like you no matter how you were, Lucifer.” He leaned against his bed, feeling like he was talking to a brick wall. “You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into here.”

She genuinely couldn’t understand his thought process. She sat up straight again, “Why do you think you’re so awful? If you think you’re so mean, why would you listen to me when I’d have nightmares? Why would you beat up bullies for me? Why would you send Crowley home for being mean to me? You spend time with me. You bought me this outfit,” She gestured to herself, “and you bought me Melody stuff. You listen to my issues and make me laugh–!”

Lucifer looked away, “I don’t want to have this conversation anymore.”

“But it’s true!” She stood. “You’ve always been there for me!”

“Do you ever think maybe I pity you?” She frowned more, almost pouting. She played with the edge of her skirt a little, “Would you call me your favorite if you pitied me?” Him and his big mouth. She just had to stroke his ego every year and he just had to say something nice to her, he knew she wouldn’t let it go.

Once upon a time, before Lucifer turned into the jerk we all know today, he was just a little kid who did his own thing, and she liked him just the same. It wasn’t until he was about 12, and, on top of puberty and confusing feelings, that's when Chuck’s drinking got out of hand and Michael had to step up and take care of the family. Lucifer started talking back, destroying his things, anything for any type of attention that Chuck was no longer giving him and he hated it. So he acted out. For a while Lucifer even went to a boarding school in town for boys that would hopefully correct his behavior, but all it did was make him even more bitter. They don’t even speak when Chuck is home, as though Lucifer doesn’t exist.

“I just don’t understand why you feel the need to cling to me everyday. Do not say it’s because you like me.” He said, wiping his head with the cloth she’d given him to help break his fever. “You’re my best friend.” Lucifer looked at her again. “What?” She bit her lip, looking away, “Other than Gabe, you’re my best friend and I like spending time with you.” She sighed, “Lucifer-”

“What.”

“How can you say I only like the idea of you?” That clearly hurt, and she started to cry again. “I know what… your favorite movie is. I know what your favorite food is. I know your favorite band. I know your favorite cake is Devil Food Cake. I know you like your eggs a certain way.”

“So what, what does that have to do with anything?” “I’m not finished. I know you don’t like getting up early, I know you don't like school but you like seeing your friends. I know you’re really good at History! I know Gabe’s your favorite sibling.” Gabriel’s ears definitely perked up at that. I know you look up to Michael although you’ll never admit it.” She heard him scoff, pretending it was a cough. “And… and I like to think I know you like me just a little bit. More than you’re willing to show. I know you’re really lonely and you act tough because you're terrified of anyone trying to get to know you.”

Lucifer stared at her, wide eyed as she spoke, the only words able to leave his mouth were: “Get out. Don’t act like you know me.”

[breezeinmonochromenight]

Idk if you have already gotten a ask like this but i feel like Zack uses a 5 in one soap + says marinara sauce is basicly a smoothie cause tomato is a fruit technically. I dont know why but he just gives me the himbo vibes. Also for agszc(?) Who do you Think would be a morning person and who likes to sleep in? I mean technically they are in the military so they would all be up early,but i also think that genesis would be very dramatic about waking up at like 6am. Also, i love ur Blog and hc's!

Thank you!! 🥺🥺 I’m so sorry I’ve been so slow responding to longer messages and haven’t been finishing up prompts; it’s been a bizarre like. Month? -ish? I keep having the weirdest shit happen to me that like... ripple effects into something even weirder, and I don’t want to post anything I’d consider half-assed or unfinished because just bc I’m tired or crunched or something.

I absolutely haven’t like jumped ship outta the fandom or anything. Just so it’s out there.

—o—

And Zack totally gives me the same vibes lmao. His personality is described as “flirty” from more than once source. He also gives me “I’ve totally chugged marinara sauce/pasta sauce/something related while doing a handstand because Reno disagreed with me about this” vibes, but that’s another story.

Aside from the obvious “they all have to be used to it to some degree, it’s the military”:

Angeal — Totally a morning person and will hide any grouchiness if he didn’t get enough sleep for one reason or another (👀). Sure no one loves getting up early in morning (especially before the sun is even up), but ‘Geal does it with grace. Doesn’t even need caffeine most of the time. Treats sleeping in as a rare treat and makes the most of it if he’s able to, especially if he’s curled up next to someone. It’s more special, that way.

Genesis — Of course he hates it. And not only does he hate it, he’s going to let you know he hates being awake this early many times. He’s the master of finding ways to sleep in and/or not be in his office before 12:30 PM.

And yes, he will show up to a mandatory morning meeting meeting 10 minutes late with a cup of coffee from that overpriced place down Loveless Ave and won’t take his designer blackout shades off.

Sephiroth — Does He Even Sleep? Local Midgar man seen ‘seizing the day and getting a head start on his paperwork’ at 4:47 AM; Still Looks Like That™ At All Times.

[Genesis can be heard in the distance yelling ‘absolutely fucking disgusting’ and booing in the background.]

Zack — Very hard sleeper and even harder to wake up a lot of the time, it’s almost like watching someone slip into a miniature coma. Cloud thought something was seriously wrong the first time he ever tried to wake Zack up in person and ended up getting headlocked and treated like a living stuffed animal for 45 minutes when he tried to snatch the blankets off of Zack once.

Angeal has had to practically drag him, bedding and all, to the training room. If this were a camping trip, he’s totally be that guy pushed out into the middle of a pond/lake on an air mattress.

However, once he is awake, he is a w a k e. He is all bounce and energy without any need for caffeine whatsoever.

Cloud — Not a morning person, but used to it. There was always something that needed to be done in Nibelheim and there weren’t enough hours in the day for him and his ma to do it all, most of the time. Plus, barracks life isn’t fun and he’s a light sleeper with really shitty bunkmates, so he’s always tired. He’s also surly as a default, so no one really knows if he hasn’t slept much.

The best sleep he can get is when he can crash at Zack’s and feel like he doesn’t have to sleep with one eye open. He doesn’t do it often, though, because he doesn’t want to feel like he’s freeloading.

[1dliveshere]

The Last Summer ch 5

Two days had gone by and it was still super awkward in the bus. Everyone was uncomfortable with what had happened. Harry hadn’t spoke to Kayla since the big blow up. She had tried to but he just would shut it down immediately.

It had been raining literally all day. They had plans but because of the rain it was ruined.

“Why does it have to rain all day?” Maya whined.

“Because Mother Nature decided to ruin our plans.” Louis sassed.

“Louis can you please take a break from sassing today? My brain can’t take anymore.” Eleanor groaned.

Most of the bus chuckled but Louis looked high offended.

As silence overtook the bus, Harry randomly swerved sharply. Sending stuff flying everywhere.

“What the freak dude?! Watch where you’re doing you moron. You almost killed us. Gosh I can’t stand people sometimes.” Harry continued saying stuff under his breath about how idiotic people are.

“Uhhh Harry maybe you should take a break from driving and get some sleep. You haven’t slept much for this whole trip.” Liam suggested.

“Fine. But I’m only letting Kayla drive.” Harry looked at Kayla in the rear view mirror.

“Uhh I guess I can.” Kayla nervously but her lip.

Harry proceeded to pool on to the side of the road and hopped in the passanger seat.

“Okay when we get up here you’re going to have to merge on the interstate.”

“Oh so now your talking to me.”

“Baby I’m sorry. It just really messed with my head. When they started talking about it again it just made it feel like it had just happened and I couldn’t think straight.”

“I hope you know I didn’t mean to let it slip. When Gigi came out of the bathroom I just freaked.”

“It’s okay love. I still love you.” Harry leaned over and kissed Kayla. “How about we park the RV somewhere and have a picnic just you and me?”

“That sounds lovely”

“Okay now that you guys kissed and made up, Harry go to sleep you’re being a butthole.”

“Louis I just told you to chill your sass.”

“Sorry love. I cant help it.” Louis cheesed at Eleanor.

As they were approaching the interstate Kayla was a little nervous as she had never driven on it.

“You mean to tell me in your 18 years of life you have never driven on the interstate.”

“No reason to judge Harold.”

“I’m not judging just shocked is all.” Harry chuckled “Okay so you’re gonna speed up starting now.”

“Harry I can’t do this.”

“For the love of Pete please do not kill us!” Hollered Alyssa.

“Uhh who’s Pete?”

“Niall now is not the time to ask stupid questions. I’m trying to not kill us.”

“Babe I know you don’t want to do this but you’re gonna have to get over at some point.”

“Here’s goes nothing.” Kayla looked over her shoulder to see it was clear.

“AAHHHHHH” she slightly turned the wheel and merged onto the interstate. “Harry I did it!”

“Good job babe” Harry chuckled.

“Thank you for not killing us.”

“You’re welcome Louis.”

As the after noon rolled on no one really did much. Kayla continued on the interstate headed towards Chicago. While some of the others watched a movie and chatted about life.

“-and then Niall literally fell on the ground he was so scared. It was honestly the best moment of me life.” Alyssa had tears streaming from laughter.

“Babe you said you weren’t going to bring you scaring me up again. It’s embarrassing.” Niall pouted

“Oh whatever. It’s hilarious and you’re adorable Ni”

As the bus was overtaken with silence Louis’ road trip play list played the same song for the 4 time in a row.

“Louis I’m playing my music now. I literally can’t listen to this song again or I might kill myself.” Eleanor marches up to the front of the bus and plugged her phone in hitting shuffle.

“AHHHHHHHH” all the girls screamed as ‘She Looks So Perfect’ started playing.

“Turn it up Kayla. It’s the boyssss.”

All the girls, minus Kayla because she was obviously driving, started jumping around.

Then the chorus hit:

“You look so perfect standing there

In my American Apparel underwear

And I know now, that I'm so down

Your lipstick stain is a work of art

I got your name tattooed in an arrow heart

And I know now, that I'm so down” all the girls were literally screeching so loud that they woke Harry up.

Harry looked around at all the girls and chuckled to himself

“What are you staring at Harold?”

“Alyssa I swear I’m going to disown you as my friend if you call me that one more time.”

“Oh whatever” Alyssa sarcasticly rolled her eyes, “you know you love it”

“Okay so there’s a Verizon in Chicago that we can stop at to get Alyssa a phone. Is that good with you Louis?”

“In all honesty I forgot I even threw her phone out the window, but yeah that’s okay with me”

“Louis you amaze me sometimes.” Alyssa laughed.

***

Two hours later and Kayla was still driving.

“You know babe you are honestly a pretty good driver. I should let you drive more often.”

“You definitely should” Kayla looked at Harry, “ are you reading my romance novel I brought?!”

“Maybe...”

“Oh my gosh guys Harry is reading a romance novel”

“Awww Harry who knew you had such a soft heart. Maya squeaked.

“Okay that’s it I’m done” Harry through the book back in Kayla’s backpack.

“Okay I’m getting sick of driving. So I’m parking in this field and we can have our date Harry”

“Can we order pizza?”

“Sure Niall.” Harry gets his phone to call it in.

“How are you doing to tell him where we are parked?” Kayla asked, “kinda difficult when we are in a field.

“Why don’t you just drive a little farther and park in the Walmart parking lot”

“Once again Louis you had a good idea. I’m starting to think it was a good thing that we brought you” Eleanor laughed while Louis pouted.

As Kayla pulled into the Walmart parking lot the pizza man was driving away.

“NOT THE PIZZA. KAYLA HIT THE BREAKS. WE ARE GOING TO MISS THE PIZZA.”

“Niall sit your butt down and chill”

Instead of doing what he was told Niall jumped out of the moving RV started chasing the delivery car waving his arms and screaming.

“PEOPLE REALLY NEED TO STOP JUMPING OUT OF THE MOTHER FREAKING MOVING RV”

Kayla finally found a good place to stop and pulled over as Niall was sprinting back to the RV.

“How’d you get him to notice you?” Harry looked at Niall.

“Well you see.... the dude stopped at the stop sign and I jumped on the hood of the car.”

“Niall, you didn’t. Like how am I with the most embarrassing person?” Alyssa wheezed she was laughing so hard.

“Hey at least we got the pizza. Just be thankful.”

“Okay, Kayla I got everything ready, should we go my lady?”

“Yes as long as you never say that again” Kayla chuckled.

As they left the RV to have their picnic in a Walmart parking lot in the middle of Missouri the rest of the group got their pizza and settled down for a movie.

“What do you think Kayla and Harry are talking about?” Louis wiggled his eyebrows.

“I hope they make up all the way so it stops being awkward because I can’t handle another second of being on this bus with them.” Gigi flopped down on the couch with her pizza.

“Agreed”

***

“Babe I hope you know I’m still so sorry about being a jerk to you. I love you more than anything and didn’t want to hurt you.”

“I know Harry, it’s okay.” Kayla smiled up at her boyfriend of two years.

“I know love. You’ve said that ten times now.” Harry chuckled. “ I did have an idea though to make it up to you.”

“Oh really?? What would that be?”

“Well while you were driving I looked over an noticed a huge sunflower field about 10 miles from here. I know your favorite flower is a sunflower so I figured we could all go on a group date or something.”

“Oh my gosh Harold. That’s amazing!”

“Thanks babe. I thought it was too”

Kayla chuckled. “But seriously we are going to have to go to a laundromat somewhere because all of my good clothes are dirty.”

“You and you’re clothes Kayla Boydston I swear will be the death of me.”

“You know you love it” Kayla leaned in for a kiss.

***

After their date was over Kayla ran into the RV screaming.

“WE ARE GOING TO A SUNFLOWER FIELD TOMORROW SO WE ARE GOING TO FIND A LAUNDROMAT TO CLEAN OUR CLOTHES. SO WE CAN LOOK HOT AS HECK.”

All the girls started screaming and running around collecting their dirty clothes.

Soon Harry was driving around a tiny town looking for a laundromat.

“Wait I see one” Liam pointed from the passenger seat.

“Thank gosh. I was starting to thing I would have to wear these sweatpants tomorrow and that’s not a good look”

“Louis since when do you care what you look like?”

“I always have boo” Louis winked at Eleanor.

“I think I just puked.” Alyssa stated.

As they stopped in front of the laundromat everyone piled out with their arms overflowing of dirty clothes.

“My question is how the heck did we go through this many clothes in 4 days.?

“Well that’s what happens when someone spills their drink all over you” Kayla eyes Louis.

“I’ve said this once and I’ll say it again. It was not my fault. Blame your boyfriend who can’t drive.

“Says the one who almost hit a tree two weeks ago.”

“GUYS! Can we just go in here and get this done.” Alyssa yelled.

As everyone went into the laundromat the atmosphere changed. The group who was once happy and looking forward to tomorrow was tired and all around grouchy.

“Guys am I the only one that feels like this trip isn’t worth it. Like I mean Alyssa’s parents literally disowned her.”

“No you aren’t the only one I totally get it. Maybe we are wasting away are lives”

As silence overtook the room the only thing you could here was the slight sound of water swishing and the gentle tumble of the dryer.

“You know what screw this! Why are we all sitting here groaning about this trip. This trip is our last one before we go off to college. Instead of being grouchy and acting like butts we need to make this trip the best thing ever.” Alyssa got up and marched over to the speaker that was sitting in the corner and plugged her phone in. The first song that popped in was, ‘Year 3000’ by the Jonas Brothers.

“Oh my gosh I haven’t heard this song in forever.”

“Oh my gosh let’s GOOOOO”

Everyone jumped up and starting dancing around the room. Screaming the lyrics at the top of their lungs.

Quickly their moods lifted. As everyone looked at one another they realized truly how much this trip meant to them. Here they were after being friends anywhere from 7 to 3 years, on their last vacation as teenagers before they go to college. They were so thankful for this trip and each other.

After spending two hours in the laundromat they were finally back on the bus. They ended up just deciding to lock it up and sleep in the parking lot.

As everyone was falling asleep, Alyssa and Kayla were still sitting in the front of the RV.

“I’m so sorry excited for tomorrow.!”

“Me too Alyssa! I feel like we all need this!”

“We got to look fly for pictures”

“You know it boo” Kayla laughed.

Little did they know that tomorrow would change one of their lives forever. Or maybe both of their lives?

Well this chapter was pretty chill. Wonder what will happen that will change their lives?? 😜

[nish-s-random-writing]

Growing Up (5/?)

Chapter 5! USUK Cardverse AU!

(a/n): This took a bit longer than expected, but heyyy, I’m gettin to that good stuff. 

ff.net || <<ch 4    ch6>>

------

“Hey, Arthur, can I ask you something?”

It was nighttime now, and Alfred was not surprised to find Arthur sitting on his own bed by lamplight, a thick book in his hands and all his attention focused in between. A tiny twitch of an impressive eyebrow was the only signal that he’d acknowledged Alfred’s presence, albeit in a manner that was far from pleased.

Hopping onto the foot of Arthur’s extremely large bed, Alfred repeated his question. With a sigh and deliberate lowering of his book, Arthur grumbled out a reluctant, “Fine.”

Alfred had not seen Arthur during lunch that day, the latter having requested that his food be brought into the library so he could continue his reading and exploration of its collection without interruption. When Alfred tried to visit him afterwards, he was given the cold shoulder until the young king retreated back to the winding hallways of the palace, left to juggle doorknobs all afternoon. When the sun was low in the sky he made a round trip back to the secret garden where he met the old man, who he now knew as Reece the gardener, and conversed with him until dinnertime.

Now he had Arthur sitting several feet away from him, both on a large bed that could fit ten orphans, while he read a book in an attempt to ignore Alfred as much as possible.

“What’s your favorite flower?” Came Alfred’s voice. Arthur seemed to startle and lower his book even more, although his eyes never looked up.

“Why would you ask such a question?” He said with the usual scowl.

Alfred shrugged. “I was in the gardens today, and I didn’t see too much flowers. That just got me wondering what sort of flowers you like.”

“The gardens hmm?” Arthur muttered as he flipped a page. “Were there any roses out there?”

Alfred lit up at that. “Roses? I didn’t see any. Are those your favorite flowers?”

Arthur seemed to hesitate at that, drawing out a long silence, until finally he nodded in that slow, unsteady way. “I suppose so.” And as he said it, without even looking up, the young queen could already feel the physical embodiment of childish glee lighting up as an impossibly wide grin on Alfred’s face.

“Well I think it would be awesome if we had roses in the gardens,” said Alfred in a vain attempt at a casual tone. “I wonder if they could make roses in all sorts of colors! We could have blue roses, they might like that; it could go along with all the blue decorations in this palace!”

“I don’t think those exist, Alfred.”

“Maybe we can have some made! After all, we are the ki—um, I mean,” Alfred furrowed his brows. He’d caught himself in time. “I mean, Yao told me if we had a request he’d look into it! Maybe they actually did find a way to make blue roses.” He tried for a laugh, but Arthur seemed unimpressed. He had made no acknowledgement of Alfred’s words and kept on ‘reading’.

“I explored the gardens today,” said Alfred again.

“You already told me that.”

“Well, what did you do? Were you reading that same book all day?”

“No, I was not. I’ve finished two others earlier.”

“Woah! You’re a fast reader. That thing would’ve taken me like, a month to finish!”

Arthur raised a brow. “Makes sense, I suppose, if it’s you we’re talking about.”

Alfred snorted. “Well you probably had a lot of practice so that’s no fair. Miss Amelia usually reads the books to us. You’ve probably read a lot of books on your own.”

“Well, I suppose I have.”

“Woah, did your old orphanage have a huge library too?”

“No. In fact, it was rather similar to Miss Amelia’s. My home had a small collection that my father used to add to.”

Alfred raised his eyebrows at that. “You remember your home?”

Arthur squinted at his book, holding it up a bit more over his face. “I wasn’t in the orphanage that long.”

“What happened? Did your house burn down? Was there an accident?”

Arthur didn’t respond. He held the book closer to his face.

“Arthur?” Alfred tried to prompt him, but it was clear that the older boy was closed off for the night. Alfred made a mental note to add ‘family’ to the list of things he should never mention around Arthur, alongside being king and queen, as he made his way over to his own bed.

OOOOOOOOOO

The classes began a week later. Three kind teachers a day sat them down in the library for a few hours, teaching them history, and arithmetic, and sciences. Arthur was quiet most of the time, but he’d be able to answer any question their teachers shot at them. Alfred was vocal; he tried to answer as best as possible and steer any lectures away into an off-topic story from the teacher’s life, because he found those more interesting.

They’d have lunchtime and the afternoon to play. Then they met up with Captain Herdevary, who initiated little games and races. Arthur wasn’t one to care and tended to idly run the laps as Alfred tried, and failed, to awaken his competitive spirit.

It would be like that for five days, and then they were free to explore as they pleased on the weekends. Arthur would coop himself up in the library and draw, write, or read. He always became hostile whenever Alfred got more insistent on him joining his exploration. Nevertheless, Alfred tried every day.

By himself, he’d walk down hallways he was unfamiliar with until he’d wind up at some ominous locked door or dusty broom closet. He’d walked into a few lavish bedrooms whose furniture were covered in immaculate white sheets. He ogled at the various tapestries that depicted royalty and war, often wishing Yao would be there to explain them to him.

He had visited the kitchens and befriended the sparse servants and cooks who worked there. He’d found the smithies where he found busy, burly men working with glowing hot metal and splintery woodwork. He’d also visit Reece and converse with him about the gardens and the old monarchy, about the stars and the sunset and whatever the old man would endure. Sometimes he was like Arthur, Alfred thought. Reece would be impatient and irritated if Alfred bothered him while he was working on a cluster of weeds, perhaps, or a bush or a stalk, but would eventually open himself to a bout of conversation. Sometimes, he’d laugh, and quite heartily at that.

Then, Alfred thought, maybe Reece wasn’t like Arthur. Maybe Arthur was like Reece. Maybe Arthur was like a grouchy old man who just needed to be spoken to even if he never talked back.

So, every night, when Alfred returns from his after-dinner explorations, he’d sit down at the foot of Arthur’s bed while the older boy read his novels. He’d talk and talk about what he’d seen that day. He’d talk about the extremely kind cooks who gave him desserts, to the heat of the smithies, of the fresh breeze in the gardens, of the tapestries and ornately carved doors and wide open windows and seemingly secret passages that wound themselves throughout the palace.

Arthur would never really look up at him in his pretense of ignorance. And Alfred would’ve bought it if Arthur wouldn’t snort at his misuse of a word, or supply a name to an interesting object Alfred would describe, or call him an idiot whenever he mentioned tripping on a rug or getting hurt otherwise. Sometimes, he’d even laugh.

And even if those instances would be called Arthur’s selective hearing, Alfred never failed to notice how frequently it had become when Arthur would ‘read’ with the book upside down in his hands. And when the book was upright, he never seemed to turn a page.

Weeks went by like this, and Alfred reveled in Arthur’s not-so-discreetly hidden attention at his tales of the palace. Although, Alfred had come to wonder why it is Arthur would never want to explore the place himself.

One night, three months after they had arrived at the palace, Alfred dared to voice out his question.

“Hey, Arthur, how come you never want to explore the place yourself?”

Arthur snorted. “What gave you the idea that I would want to do that?”

Alfred stared at the upside down cover of the book in the older boy’s hands. “Well, a few things,” He mumbled. “I don’t know. You like the place, don’t you? You call the gardens I talk about pretty, you say that the tapestries are interesting. Wouldn’t you want to see for yourself?”

Arthur hesitated, but his attention was still clearly not on his book. “I would,” he said carefully. “I would think them a, well, pleasing sight. But I’d hate to look at them thinking that I own them.”

Alfred tilted his head. “But it’s not like you own them, right?”

Arthur let out an exasperated huff. “We own them, Alfred. Our home, our place, our stuff, as Yao said. What do you think makes all of this our stuff?”

“Well, we’re the k—oh.” Alfred blinked. “Oh.”

Arthur glared at him over the top—or perhaps bottom—of his book. “Yeah. Oh.”

So that was it, then. The palace, everything—it’s another reminder to Arthur.

“Aren’t you happy about technically owning the library, though?”

Arthur seemed to pause again, but then shook his head. “I’m happy knowing it’s something I’ll use, anyway.”

Alfred didn’t really get that. Heck, he didn’t completely get anything Arthur said or did, but as long as he knew what not to mention, he felt that he would be a few steps closer to winning the other boy over.

OOOOOOOOOO

The next day was the sixth breakfast Yao had been late for. He showed up with his coat sloppily slipped on, bags deep under his eyes, and he was practically dragging himself towards the table. Even Arthur was sporting an expression of concern.

As Yao walked through the doors, three guards followed him and took up position at the entrance. After the Jack had slumped into his chair and began wearily scooping up porridge, Arthur spoke.

“Yao? Are you quite alright?”

“Yeah, dude, you look like you haven’t slept in weeks.”

Yao gave Alfred a sidelong grin. “You’re not that far off, kid.” He chuckled lightly and began to eat his food, whereas the boys were nearly finished with theirs. “But don’t worry about me. It’s just that, well, tensions have been rising for the past few days now—but you needn’t concern yourselves! Things have just been busy.”

Arthur furrowed his brows. “Tensions? What sort of—?”

“Yao!” Interrupted a familiar cry from the doorway. Captain Herdevary was there, hair tied in a ponytail and half-dressed in leather armor, taking a few long strides into the room. “Yao, I need you at the Hall now.”

Yao looked rather dejected, but gave the two young monarchs a weary smile then he took his final gulp of orange juice, before getting up and following the captain of the guard. Elizabeta only had time to flash the boys a slightly forced smile before disappearing beyond the doorway.

Across the table, Alfred shared a worried look with Arthur, and they finished their meals in silence.

OOOOOOOOOO

The next day, things seemed a bit off around the palace.

Alfred and Arthur woke up to two guards posted by their door, both regarding them with solemn nods as they headed off to breakfast. Yao wasn’t with them at breakfast and neither was he there at lunch. At both times, a set of guards were posted in and out the doors, as well as trickled throughout the hallways.

When Alfred tried leaving through the front doors of the palace for the gardens, the guards posted there—who wore heavier metal armor and carried a greater set of weapons—forbade Alfred from leaving the immediate courtyard, whose gates were also generously guarded. The young king attempted to amuse himself by splashing around in the marble fountain, but that quickly became boring.

He went to see Arthur but was surprised to find guards by the library door too. When he sought out his other routes to the gardens, he’d found the doors to those were guarded as well and was forbidden from leaving.

Finally, Alfred found an exit that wasn’t guarded. The passage to the king and queen’s private garden must have been so far behind the palace and lost in the inner maze of the outer gardens that whoever was posting the guards didn’t see it necessary to have them there.

Alfred found Reece and was relieved to finally be entertained. They began speaking of the flowers again, beginning with their daily discussions of Alfred’s gardening plans and winding up somewhere obscure like the evolution of horses. Eventually, the young king talked to Reece about the guards.

“It’s weird. They’re everywhere! I can’t take a shower or get some bread without passing like, fifty guards!” Alfred exclaimed.

Seeing the young boy’s wild grin, the gardener decided to take that statement with a grain of salt and regarded him with raised eyebrows. “Oh? Come now, mayhaps your Jack’s just been increasin’ them guards for your sake!  You seem to be a rowdy young’un and he might think you to set the place on fire with all yer runnin’ about.”

Alfred scrunched his face in an attempt to look offended, but ended up with a mix of furrowed eyebrows and a half-suppressed grin. “Please, I don’t go running around with a match!” Alfred giggled. “But really, I can’t even go out around the gardens. I only got here because those doors were the only ones without guards. All the side entrances—heck, even the front doors! They’ve all got guards carrying swords with them. What if we’re under attack?”

Reece hummed thoughtfully as he worked on trimming his bush. “Maybe your jack’s just bein’ extra secure, eh? After the last monarchy were killed he’d never been quite the same. Maybe he’s just been takin’ precautions for your sake, lad. Nothin’ to worry about.”

Alfred mimicked his thoughtful hum and planted his rump on the grass. “I guess so,” he muttered with furrowed brows. “Still. I feel kinda caged in. The guards being all around are giving me a bad feeling.”

OOOOOOOOOO

“Alfred?”

The young king jumps. Upon walking into his shared room, he was surprised to have his companion speak to him first.

“Yeah?” Alfred responds, taking his usual seat at the foot of Arthur’s bed. Arthur, meanwhile, has his book open on the mattress and he stares at it with hands folded in his lap.

“Yao wasn’t at dinner today,” Arthur muses.

“Or lunch.” Alfred nods.

Arthur clearly isn’t staring at his book any longer, instead picking idly at the sheets. Alfred waits for him to say something, and when he finally does, it’s in a hoarse, strangled voice that shook with something that was almost like fear.

“Are we in danger?” Arthur whispered, eyes lowered. “Yao’s been talking about tensions rising. Are we… Do you think we’re about to head into war?”

Alfred’s brows furrowed, and he instinctively inched closer to the other boy. “W-well, maybe Yao’s just adding guards up to be secure, because, you know, we’re kids. Maybe he just wants us to be extra safe. I mean, I don’t think we’re in danger, you know. I’ve been talking to Reece—the gardener I told you about—and he says Yao really cared about the last king and queen. He’s just adding extra protection ‘cuz he cares about us too!”

Alfred offered his brightest smile and got a nervous glance in return. In the candlelight, Arthur’s eyes were wide and unsure, that pretty forest-green flickering with a warm gold. In an instant those eyes weren’t pointed at him anymore, and were instead staring out the windows, up at the silver glow of the moon over the gardens. He seemed concentrated, contemplative, like he was deciding something in his head.

Then Arthur sighed, and closed his eyes, shoulders sagging. “You know, Alfred…”

Arthur trailed off at the distant sound of breaking glass that came from down the hall. There were footsteps, loud and rushed, as though the guards at their door were running away. Then, there was a short, distant yell, almost a cry that was immediately cut off by what sounded like a loud thud.

Arthur was frozen and Alfred was right next to him, clutching his arm in his childlike grip.

And then all was quiet.

[softtacobear]

I was tagged by @inkyuns and @def-initely-soul

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people.

THE LAST: 1. Drink: milk 2. Phone call: my stepdad on father’s day 3. Text message: If we’re talking text, my aunt asking me to get milk at the store. KKT? The group chat for CYJnet 4. Song you listened to: Girl Friend by Jay Park 5. Time you cried: last weekend

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: We were gonna get back together and didn’t, thankfully 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: No? It was a little more complicated than just a kiss... 8. Been cheated on: No? Maybe? I don’t know. 9. Lost someone special: Of course 10. Been depressed: Yes. 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Drunk? Yes. But never thrown up as a result.

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: Blue, pink, and... black I guess.

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: Yes 16. Fallen out of love: No 17. Laughed until you cried: Just recently, even. 18. Found out someone was talking about you: No. I don’t want to. 19. Met someone who changed you: Kind of? Shoutout to #noonasquad 20. Found out who your friends are: I haven’t lost any if that’s what you mean, so no. 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Yes

GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: 80% maybe? 23. Do you have any pets: I have a dog that doesn’t live with me 24. Do you want to change your name: Not really. Too much of a hassle. 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: I went to the mall after work and bought myself a really soft hoodie and had a chai tea latte in the B&N cafe. 26. What time did you wake up: 9PM yesterday 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: I fell asleep again at 11PM so I was asleep. 28. Name something you can’t wait for: Noona Tours NYC edition 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: A few weeks ago 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life:  There are a lot but they are very personal and I don’t want to discuss them. 31. What are you listening right now: Up and Down (feat. Dok2) by Jay Park 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yes. I work with a Tom. He’s a grouchy old man. lol 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: Ignorant children 34. Most visited Website: Tumblr or AO3

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME 35. Mole/s: A few on my neck/shoulders and one just below my rib cage. 36. Mark/s: I have a lot of scars and bruises yeah 37. Childhood dream: I wanted to be a firetruck? And then a vet? And then a mad scientist? Kinda achieved the last.

38. Haircolor: Medium blonde but my dark blonde roots are growing out. 39. Long or short hair: long 40. Do you have a crush on someone: Yes and no? 41. What do you like about yourself: I like my ability to stay productive even on my worst days at work 42. Piercings: Just your standard pierced ears 43. Bloodtype: O+ 44. Nickname: RJ calls me cap’n, Inuki calls me various pet names 45. Relationship status: In a relationship 46. Zodiac: Pisces/Aries cusp. 47. Pronouns: She/Her 48. Favorite TV Show: New Girl 49. Tattoos: Nope 50. Right or left hand: Right 51. Surgery: I had brain surgery when I was 16. 52. Hair dyed in different color: I’ve had red, pink, lighter blonde, and light brown (that didn’t make a difference b/c it was really close to my natural hair color) 53. Sport: Volleyball 55. Vacation: Next is Monsta X in NY for a weekend. 56. Pair of trainers: Some expensive off brand my mom gave me for Christmas?

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: Currently nothing? I like tacos and chinese food tho 58. Drinking: Again nothing atm. I like coconut water and (separately) rumchata with rootbeer. 59. I’m about to: take a shower and go to B&N eventually? 61. Waiting for: Nothing in particular 62. Want: More sleep... but that’s not really healthy given how much I’ve just slept. 63. Get married: Not for awhile but there’s someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, yes. 64. Career: I’m an analytical chemist.

WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: Hugs 66. Lips or eyes: Eyes 67. Shorter or taller: Taller 68. Older or younger: Apparently I tend to bias and date younger? But I like both within reason. 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: Uhhh arms? 71. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive 72. Hook up or relationship: relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: Hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a stranger: No 75. Drank hard liquor: Yes 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: Yes 77. Turned someone down: Yes 78. Sex in the first date: No 79. Broken someone’s heart: Yes 80. Had your heart broken: Yes 81. Been arrested: No 82. Cried when someone died: Yes 83. Fallen for a friend: Yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: Not typically 85. Miracles: no. 86. Love at first sight: no. 87. Santa Claus: no. 88. Kiss in the first date: Maybe 89. Angels: no.

OTHER: 90. Current best friends name: Dan & Fred 91. Eyecolor: green sometimes 92. Favorite movie: Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist

[moiraineswife]

Feycien Apocolyplse AU?

Feycien Apocalypse AU: Right I’m just going for your bog standard typical modern day zombie apocalypse a la the walking dead here okay, Feyre does not get to be an accidental necromancer this time. 

Okay so Feyre is separated from her sisters when the outbreak happens and is desperate to get back to their hometown and see if she can find them because she needs to know if they made it. She’s almost 100% certain that nothing, alive or dead, is going to get the better of Nesta Archeron, especially not if she’s also protecting Elain, but she has to know, she made a promise to her mother after all. 

Feyre gets through on her own pretty damn well. She’s intelligent, scrappy, practical as all heck and quickly discovers the best way of killing the damn things and avoiding them wherever possible. She’s looting a pharmacy on the way to where she’s going when she hears a disturbance at the supermarket she was planning to tackle next. 

Cautiously, she goes nextdoor to look and realises that several of the things have pinned down someone else. She should just sling her bag over her back and leave them to it, it’s making a very nice distraction for her but…Well she needs the food and other supplies so with a sigh she takes the things by surprise which gives the other person in the store the opportunity to take out the other half.  

Once they’re done they stand watching each other for a long time. Feyre studies him, about her age, maybe a few years older, long red hair coming out of the loose braid its in, tall, slim, missing an eye but the other pierces her with an intelligent glint. Panting he thanks her for her help and offers her some of the supplies he’s gathered as a thank you and a place to stay for the night. She’s wary of him but…she hasn’t really slept that well on her own without anyone to watch over her, waking at every slight noise and a proper place sounds good. She figures she can take him if it comes to it. 

They don’t swap names, she just grunts her assent to his plan and stomps out of the store. He trails after her then leads the way, prattling the whole while and getting two and three word answers out of Feyre if he’s lucky. He huffs a little about it and she snaps at him but he surprises her and just laughs as he leads her inside a veritable manor house, into the living room which looks like the place he’s been sleeping. 

He explains, briefly, that he used to live here with his father and brothers but that they’re dead now. There’s a cold, callousness in his voice that stops her from asking any more questions. She doesn’t need to know, doesn’t care, she’ll be leaving him in the morning. 

Lucien offers Feyre some hot food which she hasn’t had in a while and this teases a little more of her story out of her. She explains that she’s on her way north, heading back home to find her sisters. He raises an eyebrow at this but doesn’t question that, only points out that she’s going the wrong way, heading more northwest than anything else. Feyre curses, slumping back against the chair and groaning. Navigation has never been her strong point and unfortunately satnavs don’t work for long in the apocalypse. 

He studies her for a long time then asks her quietly if she’s been on her own since this thing started? Feyre scowls and tells him she was with a group for a little while, headed by someone called Tamlin…It didn’t work out. She’s been on her own since then. Lucien seems impressed by this. 

He thinks for a little while, drums his fingers on the table top, then says that he could come with her, if she wanted, keep her on the right path, watch her path. Feyre squints at him suspiciously, asks him why he’d want to leave this and come with her. He just smirks and flicks a peanut at her, “For your charming, ravishing company, obviously.” She scowls and chucks something decidedly heavier than a peanut at his head which he dodges, snickering. He sobers a little when he shrugs and tells her the only thing worth staying here for is the piano - and he can’t even play that without attracting an unwanted audience of the undead. (Feyre does not mirror his goofy grin at this hilarious joke) But he says, more seriously, that he can’t last much longer here. The hoards are getting worse and he’s running out of supplies…if he went with her he could watch her back, they could help each other stay alive in this mess…He doesn’t have much else to do, at this point he’s just surviving out of habit. 

Feyre considers…She’s been doing alright on her own but…the further north she goes the worse things get. It’d be nice to have someone to keep an eye on her…And point her in the right direction. After a long moment she agrees. He grins at her in an oddly endearing way and tells her that his name is Lucien. She introduces herself as Feyre and with that finishes her meal and stomps into the living room, dropping her bag unceremoniously in a corner, settling herself down on a pile of cushions and warning Lucien in a low snarl that if he robs her she’ll never rest until she’s hunted him down and fed him to the meanest, hungriest group of walkers she can find. Lucien chuckles and decides he likes her. 

THEN IT’S JUST TROPE TIME. (This is the #1 reason I love apocalypse aus they open up…a whole vista of beautiful trope potentials) please consider the following: 

1)- Definite sort-of-enemies to friends to lovers because like…within ten minutes of them starting their journey the next day they probably want to murder each other. Because oh my god you are the most annoying person I have ever clapped eyes on why the fuck did I save you? You are literally the dullest person I have ever met if the apocalypse doesn’t kill me you will, I’m going to die of sheer boredom. They spend at least two weeks constantly sniping at each other and at least three times are so distracted by their bickering they nearly get eaten. (Also please consider: bickering at the same time as fighting. They’re literally snarling at each other while they save each other’s lives it’s beautiful.) 

2)- Getting to know each other a little better and okay maybe you’re not that bad, you can make me laugh sometimes. I feel safe around you…I haven’t felt safe since this thing started but..I feel safe with you. 

 You’re not that dull, I suppose, you have moments of wit that make up for the 99% of time you spend grouchy. And you are quite good at keeping us alive, I’ll give you that, your stubborn spirit appeals to me. 

They tell each other more about their families. Lucien flippantly tells her that this apocalypse was the best thing that ever happened to him since it got rid of his father and his brothers who were all, by and large, awful. He sobers a little when he speaks of his mother, murmurs sadly that she would probably have liked Feyre if he met her. But that’s pointless. He hasn’t seen her in years - his father kept him away from her - and anyway, she’s probably dead now, so this it’s pointless. His voice is cold and emotionless but Feyre is sure she sees a tear glistening in his remaining eye before he turns away from her. She doesn’t push him on it. 

Feyre explains about her sisters, Elain’s garden, her sweet, strong determination, the way she just keeps going, adapating and growing whatever the world throws at her - just like her plants. She tells her about Nesta’s stubborn determination, her pride, her icy mask and the fact that so few people ever bother to take the time to see beneath to the roaring, raging, loving heart that lingers beneath. 

3)- We are in the middle of the apocalypse how is your hair still so shiny and gorgeous; why do I want to spend all my time running my fingers through it? 

Your smile is very pretty - you don’t do it much but when you do your eyes sparkle and that pert little nose of yours crinkles up. It’s endearing. Please smile more. 

4)- Feyre is a mean shot with a gun but most unfortunately guns are noisy. Lucien it turns out has a shockingly well developed skill with a hunting knife (and a very large collection of them too) she doesn’t ask about it but she does ask him to show her how to use them (and he asks how to use her pistol) and listen…Then we just get like…Highly Necessary Sexually Charged Touchy Feelyness. No, no you’re standing wrong, let me nudge your hips a little, correct your grip and I’m going to spend the entire time staring into your eyes in a very sexual way because what else is the point of this apocalypse!? 

5)- So many near kisses. Like 16 near kisses. They spend a lot of time very close together making sexy eye contact (idk why they just do) Definitely get squished into confined spaces together hiding from zombies and we need to be quiet but also wow your eyes are really pretty this close up. I can count your freckles. That’s neat. I’ve only just realised that you put yourself on the outside so that they’ll take you first if they find us and I don’t know how I never noticed how handsome you were before now and you keep telling me you don’t care but..I don’t believe you anymore. 

6)- PATCH UP HEAVEN. So much patch-up. So much fussy Lucien. So much stubborn Feyre. So much: ‘I can keep going, it’s not that bad.’ ‘Yes, it is, you can barely walk.’ ‘I’ll be fine, we’ll just take it slower for a little while.’ ‘No, we won’t, we’ll stop and rest.’ ‘No.’ ‘Yes.’ *Lots of glowering fierce, hard-headed eye contact is made  here along with a large dollop of sexual tension just because* *Feyre starts to irritably walk away and Lucien grabs her arm, holding her in place* Lucien (softly and with feeling) “Please, Feyre, just…Let me do this for you.” *Feyre melts* Feyre (softly and with feeling) “Okay.” 

Cue Lucien’s big, deft (indecently attractive, like what the fuck dude I’m trying to survive an apocalypse here how am I supposed to do that with this distraction!?) gentle hands carefully cleaning and binding up Feyre’s wounds while he tuts at her and tells her that she really ought to be more careful while she’s being his knight in shining armour and saving his life. Feyre tells him flatly that well in that case next time she’ll leave him to his own devices and make sure she looks after herself…but he knows her well enough to note the small smile tugging at her lips, the glint of humour in her eyes and he grins at her in that way that’s slowly undoing her day by day and making her vulnerable in a way that she knows is dangerous given their current circumstances but…she doesn’t care. 

7)- ‘I found chocolate.’ ‘You did not.’ ‘I did.’ ‘Gimme.’ ‘Ah, ah, ah don’t be greedy.’ ‘Give me the chocolate.’ ‘So demanding, Feyre, where are your manners?’ ‘They went out of the window when I spent four months in your company with no chocolate. Give.’ ‘Close your eyes.’ ‘You can’t be serious.’ ‘Oh come on, it’s not that hard.’ ‘We’re in the middle of an apocalypse, Lucien.’ ‘I promise you can open them again if we’re in imminent danger of getting eaten.’ ‘Lucien-’ ‘Go on, no chocolate if you don’t behave.’ ‘Lucien, I will stab you in your other eye and sit on your corpse as I eat your chocolate.’ ‘You wouldn’t, you’d miss me too much.’ ‘I wouldn’t bet on it.’ ‘Oh I would, your life would be painfully dull without me in it.’ *Feyre heaves a very long-suffering sigh* ‘If I close my eyes, you’ll give me some chocolate?’ ‘I will, I swear it.’ Feyre closes her eyes very irritably then opens them again a second later to find Lucien very comically pouting at her for her cheating. She laughs a little then closes her eyes again and keeps them closed. Lucien breaks off a tiny piece of chocolate and presses it to Feyre’s lips, pressing it gently into her mouth. Feyre moans and slumps against Lucien in ecstasy and he laughs and looks down at her like she’s everything he’s ever wanted in the world. Feyre squints at him curiously, noting the look, “What?” “Nothing,” Lucien blatantly lies, wrapping up the chocolate and putting it away. Feyre whines piteously and Lucien whaps her playfully on the nose ‘More later,’ he tells her, ‘Too much of a good thing, you’re already spoiled rotten having me around.’ Feyre sighs and bickering commences as they set off again. 

8)- Look, there isn’t a lot of decent central heating in the apocalypse you know, they have to stay warm somehow. They probably avoid it most of the way but one night it starts chucking it down with rain and they find some draughty, ramshackle shelter that they both shiver in and can’t get a fire going because of the rain. Lucien smirks a lot and makes about 12 inappropriate comments a minute but when Feyre reluctantly backs up against him the arm he wraps around her is gentle and solid and being held in his arms is…oddly comforting. When they wake up the next morning they linger just a little bit longer than they need to before they make themselves separate and start packing up. After that they start sleeping with one another every night. Because you know warmth. Just warmth!!! We feel nothing!!! we are entirely emotionless beings!!! No feelings!!! (how they manage to lie to themselves for as long as they do is beyond me tbh. They are transparent) 

9)- Dramatic Rescue Scenes in which Feyre gets swarmed and Lucien returns the favour and saves her life. It’s still raining (for The Aesthetic) and for the most part he’s been pretty laid back about this whole surviving thing - as though he’s just doing it by accident and so as to keep gracing her with the glory of his presence. She’s never really, truly pulled a lot of emotion out of him but she does then. There’s a fire burning in his remaining eye as he looks at her and realises that he might lose her and that that is not something he is in any way prepared to do. He cuts through the bodies around her like a hurricane until he reaches her and the sight of him panting slightly, gaze blazing, hair plastered to his skin, blood smeared on his skin makes her want to survive this thing because she this, the depth in his eyes, the devotion there, makes her want to paint him. 

It makes her want to kiss him too. So she does. She just grabs the front of his shirt and pulls him down to her because fuck it, she’s done just surviving through this thing. She wants to live again. And he makes her feel alive. 

Lucien has been wanting to kiss this ridiculous, stubborn, serious girl for like a solid month at this point and there’s all this adrenaline flying around and okay the short version is that he is Into This.  

They find the nearest empty, enclosed, reasonably safe place and then clothes are coming off and Lucien is dragging a box of condoms out of his bag looking entirely too pleased with himself while Feyre raises an eyebrow at him. He probably makes some ridiculous comment about there being no such thing about being too prepared which gets cut off with a groan because Feyre is tearing open the packet with her teeth and that ends that discussion. She pushes him back and straddles him growling at him when he slides a hand between her legs because foreplay takes too damn long and she wants him now. Lucien doesn’t argue with this. She rides him hard and fast and neither of them lasts long because, like, apocalypse, but when they’re done she just lies down on top of him and Lucien has a moment of gentlemanly impulse and tugs a blanket over the two of them. 

He probably kisses the top of her head and warns her not to do anything like that to him ever, ever again. He can’t do this without her, he can’t. She’s stubborn and she can be impossible sometimes and god knows she tries his patience and infuriates him and he knows she’s sneaking pieces of that chocolate when he’s not looking but he has gotten quite fond of her during their time together, and she’s not half bad in bed and…and he needs her. Okay? Feyre after mumbling a lot of sleepy promises about not getting herself nearly eaten right in front of him again has fallen asleep with her head against his shoulder. He huffs about her rudeness but he’s smiling when he kisses her head and pulls the blanket up a little higher. It feels safe to whisper into the quiet darkness that he loves her. 

10)- Lucien spends…quite some time pondering over how the heck to tell this girl that he loves her. It’s not a very easy thing to tell someone when the world hasn’t gone to hell and they’re not under threat of being eaten by violent cannibalistic walking corpses every two minutes but while that’s happening it does complicate things. He doesn’t even know if he should tell her. I mean, it’s not exactly a good idea getting too attached to someone under these conditions. And maybe she doesn’t feel the same way. Maybe she just needed a release that night…and this morning…and this afternoon…and when they stopped for a little while to wait out the rain in the evening…and while dinner cooked…and after they’d eaten. But, well, they’re living under very stressful conditions, he doesn’t blame her for needing that. And he wouldn’t blame her for not being in love with him either, I mean why would she? He goes around in circles for several days and eventually decides that he won’t tell her. He doesn’t need to. He gets to be with her for as long as this new world gives him…That’s enough. 

Feyre doesn’t make a very big song and dance about it when she tells him. They’ve stopped for the night and are wrapped under a single blanket, sitting side by side, eating dinner.  Lucien slips her another piece of chocolate (after teasing her with it for a very long time while she -_-) He laughs and gives it to her and then kisses her so he can taste it on her tongue. Then he kisses her nose just because he likes the way it always makes her blink at him like a startled puppy and that makes him laugh. 

She just looks at him fondly as he laughs then comfortably rests her head gently on his shoulder, lets him put his arm around her, and murmurs that she loves him. He goes completely still and stares down at her in utter astonishment and she stares up at him with equal confusion, “You didn’t know?” He just laughs again, longer and louder than he’s done since this mess started then he murmurs that he loves her too and kisses her, long and slow and deep. 

11)- They keep going, bickering, fucking, fighting, surviving, loving each other. Eventually, exhausted, they reach a refuge and decide to stop there for a little while, ask some questions, see if anyone has heard news of Feyre’s sisters. It’s been so long and things have gotten so bad. They don’t talk about it but Lucien knows she’s all but given up hope. They’re sitting in a quiet corner at breakfast, alone (they haven’t mingled much, Feyre hasn’t wanted to and Lucien hasn’t wanted to do much that isn’t be with her) Feyre is perched in Lucien’s lap when someone cries her name as they hurtle towards her. 

Lucien continues to tell her years later that his liver was permanently relocated due the elbow she rammed into it pushing herself to her feet so she could embrace her middle sister as she hugged her. The eldest waited behind them, watching and briefly hugged Feyre too once Elain had finished embracing her and babbling at her and fussing over her, looked Lucien over and nodded to him once before she turned her attention back to her sisters.  

Nesta, it transpired, along with Elain’s help, had helped start the refuge when the outbreak started. She recognised that people would need somewhere safe, somewhere organised and sheltered where people could come together and help weather the storm that was blowing. It started out small but they have more than 600 people here now. She talks about it as though it’s nothing, of little consequences, but Feyre knows better, knows that she’s proud of this, as she should be. 

The sisters show Feyre around, explaining how things work. Nesta took charge with that way of hers and just got people sorted and told. She organised supply run crews, people to teach others basic self defence as well as first aid training. She personally deals with the logistics for all of their inventory and personnel. Elain was working part-time at the hospital and she gave them access to medicines and whatever doctors and nurses they could scrounge up to help them. Together they’ve made this somewhere safe and stable and they’ve saved a lot of lives through quiet strength and firm, steely resolve and determination. 

 At some point when they’re alone together Elain confesses a little tearfully that she..She had given up on her. She isn’t proud to admit it but she was so far away and things were so bad, hardly any new survivors were coming to them any more and…Elain breaks off, smiling at her, telling her she’s here now. She surprises Feyre by glancing up at where Nesta is drilling Lucien on first aid and he’s (to her obvious irritation) smugly doing everything he’s asked with ease, then murmuring that she never gave up. Nesta was always sure that she would make it here. She said Feyre was a survivor, and that she wouldn’t let a little thing like the end of the world stop her…She was right. 

(Bonus because this is my ridiculous zombie AU and I do what I want: a few weeks after Lucien and Feyre arrive and settle in, helping Elain and Nesta run the place, a ragged group of survivors make their way to the complex. They include a tall, pretty older woman with long red hair and eyes just like Lucien’s. She drops the neat little bundle of clothes and blankets she was given in utter shock as her youngest son sprints towards her and pulls her into his arms.) 

[childrencryinncoffee-blog]

My Dad Walked Away, Why Can't I?

I've been surviving on fumes the last few days and it's getting frustrating and I'm building a resentment. I'm worried about my mental health and it seems like no one cares, so I'm wondering why I should. I haven't taken any of my medications for the last week and if anyone's noticed, no one is saying anything. And this is where the resentment is building. My husband just worked the last 16 out of 24 hours and he is now in bed, sleeping, at 1pm, after arriving home at around 10am.

And lucky me, I just got a 90 minute break while writing because Ivy decided to scream from her MamaRoo and I had to stop and feed her again, even though she just nursed 45 minutes before. And of course Derrick gets up and I'm torn between guilt because I want him to sleep and resentment because of course he wants to sweep in and be the hero, suddenly, when I've been tired for days--but Ivy wants me, or she wanted my breasts at least.

But at least when I was done nursing her I could put her down and go eat. But even eating is pissing me off lately. I've gained 12 pounds in the last month and I don't know what to do about it. I work the hardest in this house to have the best and healthiest diet; vegetables, fruit, lean meats, nuts, seeds, non-dairy products, whatever I can eat to help with my supply AND be healthy for not just Ivy, but me too. And yet, I'm gaining weight. And fucking Derrick doesn't even have to try and he still looks like he's barely 20 and never had a kid. I look like I'm a tired obese, 45 year old woman, who's definitely birthed a half dozen or more kids. And I'm fucking tired, but it doesn't matter.

I can't remember the last time I had a conversation with someone who wasn't being generic; including my husband. It's funny; when people (my family) come over to visit and they strike up a conversation with Derrick, they always ask him how he is, how he's feeling, how work is treating him and they stir up this bravada in him to be more confident, work harder, ask for more pay, more hours, whatever. They ask about his artwork and what he's drawing lately and his new games, even though they don't understand them. Wanna know the conversation I get? Weight. The kids. And how my house is a mess because I don't know how to get on my kids to do a better job. I'm constantly reminded that I am a fat, lazy mom. Which makes my anxieties worse; because rather than relaxing, I'm more motivated to clean, straighten up, talk about the newest health trend and how even though I'm exhausted all the time, I'm trying to lose the weight. My husband can just grab a beer, or whatever and not think twice. I have to think about the calories, the carbs and the sugar. I usually get so upset about it, I self sabotage.

I haven't been sleeping well, nor taking my medications correctly, but no one asks me. The kids constant ask Derrick, "Dad, does your back hurt?" "Daddy, are you tired?" "Daddy do you have to work today?" "Dad does your shoulder hurt?"

Where's my concern? I hurt. I'm in pain. I'm exhausted.

I've been seeing things--literally--a tall, white man in my shower, spiders and snakes and a vicious wolf in the kids' room. I told all of this to Derrick. The conversation didn't even last 5 minutes. He asked to watch Jeopardy, but while I lay there, half pissed off at an ignored conversation, half pissed off that he was paying more attention to his phone than the show he just asked me to watch with him. I roll over and go to bed.

I've been dealing with thoughts of self-harm and suicide and even running away. I don't feel wanted or needed. I don't feel pursued or active affection. Derrick hadn't realized it'd been probably close to a year since he bought me flowers, until I made a snide remark and rather than him wanting to surprise his wife, he buys flowers the next morning out of guilt and I display them (happily) on Instagram--even though there was no geneuity. But I have to display this facade of a happy marriage because if I don't I'm reminded that all the negativity associated with it is my fault; I'm choosing to be negative, unhappy, displeased, I'm making something out of it. A bill comes up, we're short to pay it this week, because I was adamant to have oysters. We're short on gas money, I shouldn't have went and spent that $30 at NYX. We need more diapers, toilet paper and dish soap, but I was hoping to make new mom-friends and wasted $50 and the only new thing I ended up with was a virus. (Thanks lady who was sick and yet HAD to come ride in our carpool AND sit right next to me at the table, coughing on me all night, whining about her "cold", ya should've stayed home and NOT put me at risk to bring home this illness to my newborn).

I can't do anything about anything for the next few weeks, as we're fucking broke as hell. I can't "escape". I can't go get Starbucks, or walk through Target. I can't go to play dates. I can't even go to a DBSA meeting. The NAMI meeting was this morning, but Derrick got home late and we really don't have the gas money for me to drive across town anyway. I have no one to talk to---because the conversation is either ignored, dismissed or changed. That and I think my own family is full of stigmatic bullshit. They claim they understand my mental illness and how dangerous it could be...bullshit. If they cared about my mental well-being and me working my ass of to avoid PPP, they'd have an open dialogue with me about everything. We would talk about my stressors, insecurities and anxieties and not fall asleep or become distracted or just drop the subject. I'M NOT SLEEPING AND I'M FUCKING SEEING THINGS AND MY HUSBAND CARES MORE ABOUT HIS SHOULDER HURTING AND HIS SLEEP.

The last time I had a Mixed State of both Depression and Mania---I tucked the baby into bed, made sure everyone else was asleep and I got blackout drunk and mutilated my body. You'd think my husband would care about that NOT happening again; but the conversation always comes back around to making ME feel guilty because he has to work--which yeah, he does have to work to provide for the family he helped create--but his responsibilities don't stop there.

Why isn't my sleep a priority? And the guilt of watching him try to stay awake while holding the baby and nodding off or mid snore while his eyes are open, don't help me to relax. And trying to nap with him when he got home from work because I haven't slept either, but the baby woke up, so I had to get up. I had to demand my sleep at 4am Friday morning because I'd spent the previous 36 hours up and awake, feeding a baby nearly EVERY 30 minutes and so when Derrick shoved my shoulder to wake up and nurse her, I snapped and he walked his ass to the fridge to warm her some expressed breastmilk.

I'm the one with the diagnosed, medication-needed-for-stability, mental illness, but me being "okay" isn't a priority. The kids and my family all worry about Derrick all the time; how's he sleeping with a new baby, is he drowsy while driving, does his back and shoulder hurt, how'd his x-rays come out, when does he see the PM doctor, blah blah blah---of course I build a resentment. My mom thinks the band-aid of her watching the baby while I take ONE one hour nap is supposed to "cure" me. I live with Schizoaffective Disorder--my number one medication IS sleep. I'm pushing the envelope and walking the line daily. Fantasizing about both sleep and death. Derrick gets all the sympathy, let him truly run the entire household and then I won't be here to even complain about the sympathy.

I'm so tired of looking in the mirror and hating what I see--a tired, worn out, grouchy bitch. Honestly, I am a bitch--Derrick's bosses say so, but rather than do anything about it, he kisses their ass because their opinions are actually worth something. I think about leaving all the time, and I KNOW if I spoke up about that to either Derrick or my mom, I'd have it thrown in my face that I'm being spoiled. And it's not even about having things my way, it is about FEELING like I am an important part of this family and actually want to be treated like a priority and not a fucking afterthought. I am, as a mother, expected to be a juggler of many balls; it's an expectation of me. Derrick is solely expected to be the breadwinner and head of household. That's it. Do you know how many different hats I wear and the only "rewards" I am rewarded with is adult conversations with my mom--conversations about losing weight, gaining weight, a new waist cincher, new diet pills, OR I am constantly reminded how my kids don't clean right, don't straighten right, don't do this right and I don't get on them enough. I just wanna leave.

But I know everyone will side with Derrick, even and especially my family--because I am "beyond lucky" to have a man like Derrick in my life and I should feel grateful and not have any complaints. The dude takes the time to learn all the special moves of his characters in all his video games; does he even know the name NOT THE BOOK, but the name of the author of my favorite book, nope.

And I keep making the mistake, like a hyper puppy, of TRYING to have a relationship with him; I tag him in articles or blogs I've read and found relatable and would like to discuss with him and I'm literally seen him swipe away the notification and ignore the tag and continue his game playing. I buy him books and they collect dust. Grant my books collect dust too, because I can't really juggle a book with pages that need turning and use my hands to keep my huge breasts off of Ivy's tiny nostrils while nursing her. And I'm so fucking exhausted, that one paragraph makes my eyes blink. But Derrick can spend 4 hours playing a video game.

The priorities in this house and so out of whack and I hate that I'm wavering at the edge of cliff; hanging on just for June 21 because that's my psychiatrist appointment. I can't rely on DBSA meetings because Derrick's fucked up schedule, or I'm just too exhausted, or there's no gas money. And I've been waiting and waiting for the CARES Program to call me back about finding me a new therapist, but nothing yet. SO I sit here, trying to hold on, talking myself down because no one else will, reminding myself that the 21st isn't too far away--but even when the 21st is here, what difference will that make? I don't see any changes within this household on the horizon at all. And that's really heartbreaking.