#i haven’t listened to any penumbra in a while so i don’t know how they’re doing

[coffeeflavored-tears]

pieces of media that have had(imo) well written polyam representation !

dsmp - karlnapity

iron widow by xiran jay zhao - i don’t know what their ship name is

the dark artifices by cassandra clare - keirarktina

the penumbra podcast - rad bouquet

[rantrambles]

Ever get so upset you make a Tumblr account to vent?

I haven’t even listened to The Penumbra Podcast yet but it’s on my list because it’s insanely popular and the cosplays I’ve seen are hot as hell (A+ to all the cosplayers I’ve seen you’ve done great work). Now, with the recent news surrounding the podcast, I’ll wait till it’s done if I ever do get into it. I’m Asian and part of the LGBT community but I’m not nonbinary so I can’t say much about the trans represention in the art but I wanted to add my two cents on the matter as a person of color and someone examining the situation from the outside. Also, before I get deeply into it, I’m not the only person of color with opinions on this matter so if people have their own frustrations and criticism with the racism in The Penumbra Podcast and/or the new artist they hired, definitely listen to them too. These are my own personal opinions, and I’m sure other people will disagree and that’s fine. We’re all going to have different views on this so bear that in mind. Also, feel free to correct me or add anything if I’ve missed some information. Here’s a great breakdown of the whole situation for those that don’t know what happened. Finally, I was very hesitant to post this, but I felt it was important because I make a statement at the end on how race should be presented in a podcast format so if you are interested in making a podcast and want to have a diverse range of characters, please skip to the end to read those thoughts.

I’ll start off by saying, I’m not even that upset with the new artist that The Penumbra Podcast hired. I know that statement alone is controversial but I don't personally know them, and I’m not going to judge who they are as a person by a few pieces of art they’ve made. They are the least of the problems that I have here. Since the announcement and the backlash, I’ve been scrolling through the artist’s Instagram account and I can tell why people find the designs offensive, but I’m also comparing the designs to the artist’s other work, and I honestly believe that’s just their style. They’ve exaggerated the features of just about every character they’ve made, regardless of race or gender. From what I’ve seen the sharp angles and overly round curves in the anatomy that make some of the character’s features more jarring are how they prefer to draw. I’m sure they’re capable of drawing more realistic proportions but for the most part they’re art aims to call attention, be bold, and create distinguished features. Not inherently a bad thing on its own.

And yeah I’d understand the issue if this were a scenario where the artist heard how these characters acted in the podcast and thought “hey, obviously this character is a black woman because they are super strong and therefore must have big muscles, no other woman could look like that” or “hey, this character has to be Asian because they act super seductive sometimes better draw them as such.” But from my understanding the race was already decided by previous official artists and a general description of the characters were already generated by the audience, similar to how The Magnus Archives leaned towards drawing scrawny Jon with black, greying hair and dark skin. The new artists couldn’t really change those features even if those features aren’t described in canon because a depiction that strayed too far from popular fandom interpretation would make the character’s unrecognizable to the fanbase. 

I think the reason this became such a big issue for most people is because the new Penumbra artist used their exaggerated art style when making these characters and people of color and nonbinary folks already see themselves drawn as these exaggerated caricatures all the time (with those images being used to further discriminate against them). I’m sure the artist didn’t mean for their art to be offensive, but that of course doesn’t change how it was received. 

According to some, the poses and expressions the artists chose did not fully represent the characters entirely and only served to further perpetuate harmful stereotypes, and I’ll have to take their word for it because I still haven’t listened to the podcast so I have no idea how the characters act. But again much of the criticism is based on the one line-up and doing a deeper dive into the artist’s work I managed to find artwork that was much less offensive. Here some art where Vespa is depicted in a non-violent pose and one where Vespa is in a threatening pose but not an overly violent one. Here is Peter drawn in a non-seductive pose. Hopefully, the artist truly does keep the criticisms in mind as they work on the new official art. I’m just not the type of person that wants to get the pitchforks out and cause this particular person to lose a job they seemed really excited about over their old character line-up, especially when that person is also part of a marginalized group.

Again, that’s just my opinion on that particular artist. Those who are offended by their art are still valid in how they feel, and the artist should absolutely take their criticism to heart to better how they represent the characters.

What I’m more upset about is that I think The Penumbra Podcast should never have released official art for their characters in the first place and that’s their mistake that they refuse to own up about. They have made it clear that the story was never meant to portray characters of colors, a fact emphasized by the fact they hired mostly white actors from the start. They only started releasing art of the characters to get a profit. And the thing is they know what they did was wrong. All I had to do was search Penumbra Podcast racism and there is a note on their website saying that they archived some old official art.

“We have discontinued all Penumbra merchandise that uses the original character designs, and in the meantime, any profits on the sales of that merchandise will go to the For The Gworls project. We also realize that the depiction of these characters as POC, while not appropriate for us to use in our marketing and merchandise, has nonetheless become personally meaningful to many POC listeners. For that reason, and because we do not wish to distance ourselves from our mistake, we are keeping these images on our website for archival purposes. Though we do want to make it clear that many of the main/featured voice actors are white and that we did not write the characters to represent any specific POC experience, you are, as always, free to imagine these characters in any way that you like.”

I went to their shop and they still sell posters and pins with the character’s faces on them, but they are donating it to a good cause so hopefully that stays the same. However, I still find it a little uncomfortable that they are still selling character merch and have plans to continue selling character merch. They have no right to dissuade the fans that already found representation in the characters, but they also have no right to profit off the representation that was built, regardless if they made the story. 

Let’s compare this to another piece of popular media. I love Avatar the Last Airbender and, I liked the ATLA voice actors just fine but there should have been more people of color doing voice acting behind the screen too. The voice actors for that show were mainly white too, however, the creators knew that they would be making poc characters. That’s what makes the difference. Did they still choose to go with mostly white voice actors? Yes. Could they have done better and pay more people of color? Also yes. But I’m not as furious at them because they did their research on the cultures they were basing the ATLA world off of and intentionally gave us a show where Asians could see characters that looked like them represented on the screen. The Penumbra Podcast did not do any of that. Again, they openly admitted that it was never their intention to make the character’s people of color when they made the podcast so that goes to show no research was made to properly represent specific cultures. The color of the character’s skin in their official designs therefore became more of aesthetic choice rather than representation, and it wasn’t even their aesthetic choice to begin with!

Race isn’t a color you can just throw onto the character because you feel like it. So I want this to be a lesson to anyone that wants to make a podcast: if you want to include poc characters please do some research into the cultures you plan to represent the way you would with any other form of media. Just because the audience can’t see the characters and just because it’s harder to smoothly introduce the character’s appearance doesn’t mean you’re allowed to be lazy on how you present the characters. Do research before you start writing the first episode and take the time to hire poc actors. Hiring poc actors is actually the least that can be done to show representation. Also, since the audience cannot visually see the race of the characters on a podcast and it can’t typically be described the way you would in a book, you’ll have to be creative. It’s not my job to say how, but my suggestions would be, before the fans come up with their own image of the character, you need to establish race in the first few episodes or release character profiles on a website so that the fans know you canonically intended the characters to be of a certain race even if you aren’t able to mention it in the actual podcast. If you are unwilling to do any of these then the best route is to avoid stating race at all and allow the audience to build their own representation into your form of media. However, once this happens, you are not allowed to profit off popular fan interpretations. You lose all rights to create official art or images of the characters. You cannot use “we have a diverse cast of characters” when you market your story. It doesn’t matter whether you created the content or not, you did not create the representation for those minority groups.

It’s one thing for fans to build their own inclusivity into a form of art like a podcast, but it’s another thing for the creators who never worked to make the representation happen to take advantage of the representation that the listeners built for themselves. Thank you for attending my TedTalk.

[mars-writes-1999]

Penumbra Podcast fan Theory

I have a theory about how this season is going to end and where the Junoverse is headed. None of this is certain, it’s all just theory. This isn’t about Nureyev’s debts though, I have genuinely no idea what’s going on with that boi but he worries me lots. I love him, and can’t figure him out. This is about the other class X radical. 

SPOILERS FOR JUNO STEEL AND WHAT LIES BEYOND PART 2

tl;dr  Jet saw Nureyev/Ransom fly away with the Ruby 7. The Ruby 7 sent the distress signal. The Ruby 7 is a sentient ai. The Ruby 7 is the other class X radical.

1. Jet saw Nureyev/Ransom fly away with the Ruby 7.

There was a line from Jet that stuck out to me right away in What Lies Beyond part 2. At the very beginning of his interrogation jet says "I do not think. I know. There is nothing on this ship that they want." He also later says "There is nothing on this ship that they want. That is final". I do put more stock in the first than the second quote because by the second one he is playing along with Juno's plan and intentionally being angry. I have looked through the scripts and I don't think we're ever told where Jet is being held (lmk if I'm wrong) but for my theory to work he is somewhere with a window and/or he saw things before being put in a "cell" at all.

Jet is a straightforward guy and went into that interrogation with a plan. He had time to think about what he wanted to say to Juno and what he said was "I do not think. I know." I take this to mean she really does know. He knows that Ransom, who dark matters is looking for, is not on the ship. He knows that the Ruby 7, who he believes dark matters is looking for (I'll get to this later), is not on the ship. 

While my Ruby 7 theory is a bit more of a long shot, I REALLY think Jet saw Ransom escape. He says in no uncertain terms that he KNOWS that there isn’t anything that Dark Matters is looking for. Even if we make an assumption that Jet thinks they’re only looking for one 

2. The Ruby 7 sent the distress signal

So I’ve thought this might be true since my second listen through the episode. It was a bit of a wild guess at first, but the more I think about it the more I buckle down on it. It lines up in a lot of ways where nothing else I can think of does. This whole argument does assume that Sasha and Dark Matters didn’t just fabricate the distress signal, but given her distaste for agent G (god rest her soul), I think the signal was real. 

When trying to decide who could have sent the signal we can immediately rule out literally every person in the carte blanche family. Buddy and Juno do a good job of explaining to us why each one of them couldn’t be it. 

Buddy was dying (plus we have the added bonus of her monologue and knowing what she was doing)

Juno, Vespa, and Ransom were in sight of each other and in the way of EMP waves

Rita’s comms were knocked out by the EMP waves

Jet was fixing the Ruby 7 and was right next to the EMP waves. He was also pretty busy trying to keep buddy from allowing herself to be killed

All of these things considered, we can also just assume that no one on this ship would rat them out. The only possible defection is Ransom, but despite not knowing what his motives are, I don’t think he ratted them out to Dark Matters. 

The only thing with the sentience to call out would be the Ruby (I’ll provide evidence for its sentience in a moment). I don’t know why it would reach out to Dark Matters specifically, but maybe it was just reaching out to anyone with a distress call. I don’t know how space distress calls work, but Sasha did need to specify that the call didn’t come from the Carte Blanche which means vehicles may have the power to send out a distress call. 

We know from Sasha and Juno’s conversation that the distress call was sent out 4 times in 2 hours. In the episode we see 3 major EMP blasts: The one between episodes, the one when Vespa and Ransom start arguing and Buddy can’t communicate, and the one Buddy barely avoids by getting into the safe room. It isn’t unreasonable to presume there was a 4th EMP wave that occurred after Buddy was safe and sound but before the entire team made it back safely. 4 distress signals for 4 emp waves. If the Ruby 7 is the one sending these, then this math makes sense.

In The Heart of it all Part 2 Jet says to Buddy “Even an EMP so direct couldn’t deactivate its computer mind for a moment - though it is still bitter about its engines.” This means the Ruby may have been scared about its engines dying and therefore it sent out a distress signal. 

None of this is provable at this point, but I also haven’t found any evidence to the contrary. If nothing following this is true, I still think this may be true. 

3. The Ruby 7 is a sentient AI

It is at this point that I would like to acknowledge that I am using it/its as pronouns for the Ruby 7. This is how the car has been referred to in the show up until this point and so it is how I will be referring to it from here on out. If any of this pans out and the Ruby 7 uses different pronouns or signifiers in future episodes I will refer to it differently. 

Before I give the reasons I think the Ruby 7 itself is sentient, I want to talk about why I think it’s plausible that Kevin and Sophie would take the story in this direction. The reason is pretty simple, they’ve told us they’d be willing to. Here is a clip of Kevin and Sophie in the Season 1 Q&A. 

 [audio file]

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1cOXj3ybVkszLdt8U8BiRrVW3Cy7O_oGl/view?usp=sharing

[google doc transcript of audio file]

https://docs.google.com/document/d/16EP7CP6Wxic3q7-QhPce1dinan5A0ACNDdxZ4DfaEtA/edit?usp=sharing 

So not only does this clip make it clear that Kevin has wanted robots in some form from the start, it shows that Sophie is open to the idea. We also hear them talk about how big of a deal it would be to introduce elements like this into the story. I would consider all of this setup as treating the concept of AI with the respect and time it deserves. We also know how much Kevin loves the Ruby 7 so making the car a main character would absolutely be within the realm of possibilities. The Ruby 7 is arguably the 7th member of their crew with or without sentience. 

Now to discuss the proof of the sentience of the Ruby 7. There’s a lot of evidence for this. The car has always been sassy and had a personality, but there are several moments that point to more than this. 

In the very beginning of part 1 of Tools of Rust, we see Jet directly mull over the sentience of the Ruby 7. 

The Ruby 7’s many background calculations make it more like a horse. It can be controlled, but only insofar as it wants to be controlled. (HE SHAKES HIS HEAD AND SNORTS, DISMISSING HIMSELF) “Wants to.” This car can make you believe in ghosts, too — a spirit in the machine. But the Ruby 7, whatever the force of its calculations, cannot want and cannot think; it can only behave like it does. ~from Tools of Rust Script released to 10$ Patreon supporters

This gives some of the base backgrounds into how Jet thinks about the car he is closest to. In this episode he refers to the ruby as “a wild horse, I must break it in.” The catalyst for this episode occurs while Jet is breaking down the tractor shield generator because when driving the Ruby 7 “Manuevers have not responded as they should.” There are of course reasons for these things that are not sentience. Jet himself does not think the car is sentient at the beginning of this episode. We also know that his view of the car is changing throughout his arc of this season. In its most recent appearance, we see the Ruby at its most sentient. Two distinct moments come to mind in regards to this. 

First, in part one as they are discussing their plan after Rita deploys the Book: 

JET:  We will be on our own — even the Ruby 7 will temporarily shut down. RUBY 7: (PETTY/ANNOYED BEEPS) BUDDY: … Come again? JET: The Ruby insists that it will not shut down. It is incorrect. RUBY 7: (REALLY ANNOYED BEEPS) JET: The Ruby says that I should not tell it what it can and cannot do. VESPA: Really built some sass into that thing, huh? NUREYEV: Is it just me, or… have responses like this become more common from our mysterious vehicle? VESPA: I swear its voice changed, too. BUDDY: Then we’ll allow the car its moody teenage years, I think; after all this is over I’ll buy it an industrial supply of eyeliner and posters of sad young men. ~ From The Heart of it All part 1 script released to 10$ Patreon supporters

Here several characters are remarking upon the increasing sentience of the Ruby 7. In part 2 of this episode, we see further evidence that the crew, especially Jet, has noticed changes in the Ruby which make it seem more and more sentient. 

BUDDY: Singing and theoretical mathematics? Is there anything that car can't do? JET: Increasingly I worry that there is not. Even an EMP so direct couldn’t deactivate its computer mind for a moment — though it is still bitter about its engines. (HE ACTUALLY IS WORRIED ABOUT WHAT THE HELL THE RUBY 7 IS, BUT NOW ISN’T THE TIME FOR THAT) But in this moment I am far more worried by.... ~ From Heart of it All part 2 script for 10$ Patreon Supporters

Here it is clear that not only does Jet sound concerned about the Ruby 7, but Kevin’s direction shows that Jet is genuinely unsure of the Ruby. Not just that he doesn’t know what the Ruby 7 is doing, but that he doesn’t know what the Ruby 7 is. 

Now that I’ve shown all of the evidence I have I’m going to extrapolate some of this to draw a line from this evidence to my theory in part 1. 

Jet knows something is up with the Ruby 7. He has seen Nureyev leave the carte blanche in the Ruby 7 and therefore knows the car is not on the ship. As the delivery notes say “now isn’t the time for that”. What does Jet have while in his “cell” but time? He spends part of his imprisonment sitting and thinking about the Ruby 7. He knows that Dark Matters could have easily found the cure mother prime so he assumes there is something else they are looking for. He realizes that his car is sentient. He realizes that they are looking for 2 main things, Ransom and the Ruby 7. He saw both of these leave. He says "I do not think. I know. There is nothing on this ship that they want."

For this to work, the Ruby 7 needs to be classified as a Class X radical, this is a tall order, but I think the Ruby 7 meets the criteria. 

 4. The Ruby 7 is the other class X radical

1st of all, look at that green car? That car is SO rad. 

Jokes aside, there are 2 main criteria I’m using to determine that the Ruby 7 could be the class X radical Dark Matters is looking for. First, is it literally possible that this is what Dark Matters is looking for? Does it fit any descriptors Director Wire gives us during her interview with Juno? Second, does it fit the definition of a class X radical? 

In answer to the first question, we consider what Dark Matters is searching for. We know that they know it’s class X, but not much else. In fact, Sasha suggests that Juno may know more than her about the radical because he’s been living with it. This gives the impression that they might not really know what they’re looking for. My theory here is they know that they are looking for a sentient robot, but they don’t know it’s a car. This explains why they know what they need to about its threats but not much else. It may also explain why some of the agents were looking in drawers. If they were not looking for Nureyev (cause like Buddy said, they should know he’s not inches tall) then perhaps they were looking for a sentient robot. Unless I’m misremembering something, I think this is all we really get in terms of information on what the second radical is. Sasha doesn’t give Juno much information despite giving him everything she can about the cure mother prime.

In answer to the second question, we look toward the definition Sasha gives Juno for a radical: “any person or object with the potential to cause significant change to civilized human life as we know it”. AI with sentience fits this definition. Even if you don’t think it does, the piece from the season 1 Q&A shows that Sophie thinks it does. They talk about the care that would need to be in place in order to introduce robots, ai, or aliens. Care is needed because any one of these three things would drastically change the galaxy as they know it. 

 I don’t really have any clever way to end this other than saying all of this could be wrong. I could be completely off and there are probably other explanations for everything I’ve described, but I actually feel pretty confident on this. It started off as a random thought and the more I’ve sat on it the more evidence I’ve collected. Whether this comes to fruition or not I hope you enjoyed reading my theory! 

CC: 

@thepenumbrapodcast 

[foxy--stoat]

music

for the last few days I’ve been listening to a lot of music while I write, and I came across some songs I think describe some Penumbra characters pretty well, or at least some situations they’re in or would be in at some point. also some of them are going to be super obvious but I’m going to write them anyway. here they are:

Moonage Daydream, by David Bowie (Peter Nureyev) 

I'm an alligator I'm a mama-papa comin' for you I'm the space invader I'll be a rock 'n' rollin' bitch for you

(Nureyev is good at using different disguises and he’s a different person before and after and before and with Juno)

Keep your mouth shut You're squawking like a pink monkey bird And I'm bustin' up my brains for the words

(In his episodes of season 3, he gets annoyed with Juno not being discreet, flirting, making a show of himself, and saying anything at all to Nova Zolatovna (apologies for any misspellings))

Keep your 'lectric eye on me, babe Put your ray gun to my head Press your space face close to mine, love Freak out in a moonage daydream, oh yeah!

(well Juno literally has an electric eye, always carries a ray gun, and I imagine they ‘put their faces close together’ quite often.)

and the whole song also has kind of a Peter Nureyev vibe. I imagine he would listen to a lot of David Bowie/stuff like that but be embarrassed to tell anyone that he even listens to music at all

Be Calm, by Fun. (Vespa Ilkay)

But I always knew you'd be the one to understand me I guess that's why it took so long To get things right

(they obviously understand each other to an extent, and also they didn’t see each other for years and years, and the first time they actually met Buddy stole from Vespa and they fought)

Oh, why haven't you been there for me? Can't you see? I'm losing my mind this time This time, I think it's for real, I can see

(she is literally losing her mind, and in her episodes of season 3, Buddy is gone)

I'm scared that everyone is out to get me.

(exactly what it sounds like. especially Juno)

But with every single buck I've made I'm saddled with bad luck that came

(also exactly what it sounds like)

Or when I found out one day I'm gonna die If only I could find my people or my place in life

(idk, it just sounds like something Vespa would think)

Oh be calm. Be calm. I know you feel like you are breaking down. I know that it gets so hard sometimes, Be calm. Take it from me, I've been there a thousand times. You hate your pulse because it thinks you're still alive And everything's wrong It just gets so hard sometimes Be calm.

(I just imagine she would feel this way sometimes)

I don't remember much that night, Just walking, thinking fondly of you Thinking how the worst is yet to come From that street corner came a song And I can't remember the man, The panhandler or his melody. The words exchanged had far exceeded any change I'd given thee.

(this reminds me of her first interaction with Buddy)

Don’t Ask Me, by Ok Go (First half Peter Nureyev to Juno, second half Juno Steel to Nureyev)

Peter Nureyev:

Quit acting so friendly. Don't nod don't laugh all nicely.

(when Juno flirts with Nova at the heist where they steal the map)

And don't flash that stupid smile.

(he stares at Juno’s smile for like 2 minutes and describes it for what seems like longer)

Don't show up so on-time And don't act like you're so kind Don't ask me how I've been.

(Juno changed a lot since the 1st and 3rd seasons, and he’s been I think more polite to Nureyev, and I think no matter what he does Nureyev will be annoyed, but this annoys him especially for some reason)

Juno Steel: 

Don't sit there and play just So frank, so straight, so candid, So thoughtful, so gracious, So sound, so even-handed.

(all of these words could describe Nureyev, cold and pretending to be an ideal thief, an ideal family member, always listening, but really just tucking things in his “save for later” file)

Don't be so damn benign And don't waste my fucking time.

(he’s also benign)

Also I have a couple of BTVS inspired songs bc why not? one isn’t really a song, just a singer who the voice sounds like someone else, but whatever.

Heavy Cross, by Gossip (Buffy Summers)

It's a cruel, cruel world to face on your own A heavy cross to carry along The lights are on but everyone's gone And it's cruel

(the slayer is a very isolating job. It’s a burden, and she literally has to carry a cross with her. Also vampires don’t come out when the ‘lights are on’, and of course it’s cruel. her job is fighting demons.)

It's a funny way to make ends meet When the lights are out on every street It feels alright but never complete Without joy

(it is a very unique way to ‘make ends meet’, or at least a weird job to have. the vampires come out when ‘the lights are out on every street’ and it feels alright but she can’t be fully happy knowing that she’ll probably die young and will never have the ability to choose her future)

I checked you, if it's already been done Undo it It takes two, it's up to me and you To prove it

(this makes me think of her and angel, of her checking that he’s good, then undoing his spell, and it took two people to do it, if you know what I mean.)

On the rainy nights even the coldest days You're moments ago but seconds away The principle of nature, it's true but It's a cruel world

(demons don’t stop being evil when it’s rainy and cold! Sometimes when she’s fighting she punches/kicks where they were moments ago, but she punches too early and they are just seconds away. the principle of nature is that the slayer kills demons)

We can play it safe or play it cool Follow the leader or make up all the rules Whatever you want, the choice is yours So choose (this is her deciding to go on her own, no council, no official watcher, just her and Giles and the “scooby gang”)

I checked you if it's already been done Undo it It takes two and it's up to me and you To prove it

(I’m repeating this line because Spike also got himself a soul. They thought that Angel was the only one, but Spike always had to do everything angel did (even if it wasn’t for that reason)

so that’s it! whoo, that was a lot. 

[boydgearloose]

28 with dellumbra?

Once she’d entered Tranquility and made herself familiar with the new surroundings, the general was able to offer Della a small house in which she could stay while her ship was being rebuilt. It was a lot roomier than her previous whereabouts, but for some reason, it didn’t feel as much like home as part of a crashed rocket did. Everything was either made of gold or some kind of moon rock, even the bed as far as she could tell. She appreciated the kind gesture of the Moonlanders and wanted to stay on their good side, but she almost wished she was back in the dessert.

Luckily, she’d kept the most important things close by: her Oxy-chew, the manual on how to fix the Spear of Selene, her trusty Junior Woodchuck Guidebook and of course, the photo of her family. She was quick to take the photo out as soon as she sat down on her bed, confirming that it was indeed made of gold and wincing when she realized how hard it would be to sleep on such a surface. Della studied the ducks in the photo, eyes almost immediately wandering to the three eggs there. She smiled.

“Don’t worry, boys,” she spoke to the photo gently, brushing a finger over the eggs in it, “there’s been a…setback, but I’ll bounce back soon! I’ve got friends now, and they’re gonna help me find you. And then, we’ll finally be-”

She was abruptly cut off by the door to her small hut slamming open and swiftly turned around, thrusting the photo in her pocket. Standing in the doorway was no other than Penumbra, the Moonlander lieutenant who had first discovered her presence, looking stoic as ever and right at the duck. Della gulped, a bit worried about what she had to say seeing that she was one of the few Moonlanders who hadn’t exactly warmed up to her yet.

“Hey, Penny!” she tried to greet the other as she watched her shut the door behind her. “What brings you here? Isn’t it like, really late in moon time?”

“Your earth principles mean nothing to an alert warrior such as myself,” the Moonlander hissed.

“Okay…” Della cracked a grin, but it wasn’t returned.

“General Lunaris wanted me to check in on you and make sure you hadn’t gotten yourself killed.” Penumbra rolled her eyes. “But it’s apparent that you have not.”

“Nope!”

“Sad.”

Della screwed up her face in confusion at the other’s cold response, trying to give an awkward chuckle to lighten the tension. The other simply shrugged and stood there, glancing around the room with narrowed eyes.

“What is this place anyway?” Della asked, trying to strike up a conversation. Although Penumbra might not care for her, it had been a decade since she had any company that could communicate with words, and she wanted to make the most of it.

“A guest building,” Penumbra informed her. “It hasn’t been inhabited in quite some time. We’ve been short on visitors for a few decades now, I believe.”

“Huh, really? I guess not many people crash-land on the moon then.” She laughed, but the other’s expression remained cold.

“No. We’ve had others in the past. But times change.”

Della could sense a lingering reason to the Moonlander’s words, something that was perhaps being hidden from her deliberately. That being said, she knew she wouldn’t get it from Penumbra, out of anyone who probably knows what she was talking about. Therefore, she chose to ignore it for now, only nodding in response.

“Why did you even come here?” Penumbra asked after a few beats of silence.

“Because you and Lunaris brought me?”

“No, dummy! To the moon.”

“Oh. That.” Della allowed a wistful smile to settle on her bill. “Well, I didn’t really expect to come here. I planned to take a rocket my uncle gave me- or was going to give me in the future if I didn’t steal I before it was ready, and ride it around a little before-”

The Moonlander gasped. “You’re a thief!? I knew we couldn’t trust you!” She hastily pulled her ray gun out and aimed it at the duck. Della let out a sharp yelp.

“No, no, no! I’m not a thief, I swear! I just snuck off with something he intended to give to me at a later date, that’s all! It wasn’t a good decision and was admittedly very reckless, but we’re cool.” Her expression faltered. “Or…at least I think we are. He hasn’t exactly been able to contact me ever since I’ve been up here. None of my signals got through.”

“Hmm. Fair enough.” Penumbra lowered her gun and placed it back in its holster. “But how do you know the signals haven’t reached your…uncle?”

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing really. I just know we are capable of receiving certain signals from other planets, so I only figured sending them would be the same.” She shrugged. “Maybe he just doesn’t want to see to you after you stole something from him.”

For a second, the thought almost planted itself in Della’s mind. Would Scrooge really want her gone? Of course not! He was probably doing everything he could to get in contact with her. It just hadn’t been working out…right? Her uncle couldn’t leave her on the moon for a decade knowing she was there.

“No,” she finally responded, hardening her gaze. “He wouldn’t do that. My family cares about me, and I know it.”

The Moonlander let out a cold laugh. “I guess they don’t care about you enough to look for you up here.”

“What’s the matter with you?” Della snapped at Penumbra, raising her voice. “Do you even understand what I’m saying? Don’t you have a family?”

“Ugh, what’s the matter with you!?” Penumbra walked over and leaned in close to the duck, nearly pressing their faces together. “Listen, Della, you aren’t going to survive here. I know you’ve already manipulated General Lunaris into doing your bidding, but you’re not going to get to me.”

“What are you going to do to me then?” She chuckled. “Blast me with your little space gun? I’m sure Lunaris would love that!”

The lieutenant snarled. “I’m not going to do anything, but I know you’re up to something, and I will do everything in my power to make sure you do not succeed.”

Della rolled her eyes. “Whatever you say, Penny.”

“Don’t call me that! We are not on friendly terms.”

The duck couldn’t help but let another laugh escape her, and she put a hand on the Moonlander’s shoulder, surprised when it wasn’t immediately shoved away. “Geez, can’t you calm down a little? How am I going to hurt you guys? I mean, look at me! I don’t have any weapons, I don’t have any gold, I don’t have any means of transportation, heck, I don’t even have any backup!” She softened her glance a little. “Hasn’t anyone ever been nice to you before?”Penumbra looked to be deep in thought for a few seconds, but after a while, her expression hardened again, and she finally plucked Della’s hand off her shoulder. “That’s none of your business. And besides, I don’t need the pity of others to get to where I want to be.”

Della shrugged. “Welp, too bad. I’m not playing your little rivalry game.” She thrust a fist out to Penumbra, seeming to catch her off-guard. “Now, c’mon Penny! Why don’t you just give in?”

Penumbra blinked, shrinking back from Della. “Is that a threat?”

“Wh-no!” Della suddenly felt very bad upon realizing how foreign and ominous the gesture probably looked. “It’s a fistbump! You’re supposed to make a fist and tap it against mine. Like this!” She balled her other hand into a fist and bumped it against the other. “See? Not that hard, eh? Now, you try!”

She held out her fist to the Moonlander once more, looking at her with a cheesy grin in hopes to soften her heart. For a second, Penumbra glared at it and almost looked as if she was going to give the friendly gesture a try. But of course, as Della felt she should have expected, she eventually backed away and crossed her arms, turning around with a huff.“I am not going to submit to you,” she sneered before walking away. “I’ve got better things to do than mingle with a pitiful earther such as yourself. Goodbye.”

As she watched Penumbra walk away, Della did feel a bit disheartened that she hadn’t made a lot of progress in their friendship. Then again, something inside her felt like it was only a matter of time until the other opened up to her. She’d dealt with people like this before, and while Penumbra’s shell might have been a little tougher than those, something told Della that it was still only a matter of time before it cracked too.

[welcometothepenumbra]

JUNO STEEL AND THE MIDNIGHT FOX (PART ONE)

SOUND: DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS, RAIN.

MUSIC: STARTS.

CONCIERGE: Ah, good evening, Traveler! Welcome to The Penumbra.

SOUND: KEYS JINGLING.

Detective Steel is desperate for clues to help him solve a case that’s spiraling out of control. Luckily he knows just the person to ask; but unluckily, she knows exactly what she wants in return.

SOUND: THREE KNOCKS. BELLS TOLLING.

What luck! It sounds like he’s in. Come, Traveler. Come with me into room J-15.

SOUND: DOOR CREAKING OPEN.

Juno Steel and the Midnight Fox.

ALL SOUNDS: FADE OUT.

***

SOUND: RADIO IN BACKGROUND.

VOICE: So! Let me see if I can catch your meaning.

JUNO: It’s about time. I’ve been tossing it to you for almost two hours now, Captain, but you’re a hell of a fumbler.

VOICE [CAPTAIN]: (COUGHING) Hm. Excuse me. So you came in here to… what? Report a crime, that it?

JUNO: Seriously? We’re back here again?

CAPTAIN: Because based on what you’re telling me, it sounds like you’re reporting six or seven.

JUNO: Alright, one more time, then. The case first fell into my lap with Grim’s Mask—

CAPTAIN: And it took you this long to report it why?

JUNO: I didn’t know it was a pattern, alright? But the pieces are all lining up. I don’t even think it starts with the Mask. I did some research, and half a year before that the Haddad estate was broken into, Samira Haddad killed in her sleep, and among all the things stolen was an ancient Martian key.

CAPTAIN: So you’re reporting a crime that happened a year ago. One that we already know about. One that I investigated myself, in fact.

JUNO: It’s not just that. Kanagawa and Haddad aren’t the only ones. There’s Anthony DiMaggio, and Samantha Cartwright—

CAPTAIN: Four crimes, then. Three of which happened months ago.

JUNO: Listen to me! Martian artifacts! Everything from ancient Martian masks to medicines to thrones and who knows what else—

CAPTAIN: Steel, come on…

JUNO: It’s just going missing, and whoever’s getting it all isn’t just gonna throw a party! They are dying, Khan!

CAPTAIN KHAN: Captain Khan. Captain. You’re not a cop anymore, Mister Steel. You got no pull in this office, and whatever pull you used to have doesn’t matter to me. I don’t know you from a Joe Friday.

JUNO: Oh, you know Joe? How’s he doing?

KHAN: I’m serious, Steel. I don’t know you. All I’ve got to go on is your reputation, and let me tell you, it’s not exactly glow— (COUGHS) —it’s not, hm, glowing. If you want the HCPD’s help, you play by the HCPD’s rules like any other civilian.

JUNO: …Got it.

KHAN: Scratch that, like any other civilian but politer.

JUNO: Got it, please.

KHAN: Good. Alright, so. Martian junk goes missin’, you say there’s a link. Where’s your evidence?

JUNO: My what?

KHAN: Some P.I. you are. E-vi-dence. You come in here drippin’ rain and trackin’ mud onto my new rug, you’d better damn well have somethin’ to show me.

JUNO: I– I just told you, they’re all missing! Go knocking over to the Kanagawas’. No mask!

KHAN: So you’ve got nothin’. (GRUNT) My wife got me that rug, y’know. Imported from Earth. Know what the shipping is like, a package that size from Earth?

JUNO: I don’t care, if I’m honest.

KHAN: Then I’ll be honest, too: you got nothin’, Steel. No evidence. No case. Nada.

JUNO: So, what? Cartwright’s head just got bored and decided to take off for itself?

KHAN: Yeah, those crimes took place. Trust me, I know that better than anybody. I’ve got news streams calling me at all hours, wakin’ my kids up, “who’s got Grim’s Mask,” “I need an inside scoop on the Cartwright killing…” If they could get a direct line into my skull, it wouldn’t satisfy ‘em. But you haven’t proven a connection, and I sure as hell can’t see one. You come close, close enough that you were on my radar for a while, but—

JUNO: Me? What’s this got to do with me?

KHAN: You’ve been awful close to this, Steel. Grim’s Mask you bungled. The DiMaggios’ pill you ate. As for Sam Cartwright… that one’s too bad. But a beheading like that, something that savage, it’s got organized crime written all over it.

JUNO: Oh now who’s got no evidence?

KHAN: Did I say it was definitely the Mafia? No. But I didn’t come into your office trackin’ mud over a thousand-cred rug, an heirloom for Crissakes—

JUNO: Would you drop it about the rug!

KHAN: You know what your problem is? You got a bad attitude. You don’t know how to show respect.

JUNO: I do, actually; what I don’t know is how to show respect to pumped-up blowhards who let serial killers walk free!

KHAN: I don’t need this. I’m a patient man, Steel, but wow, you’re a pest.

SOUND: COMMS BEEP.

Security? Yeah, this is Khan. I’m gonna—

SOUND: SMALL EXPLOSION.

JUNO: What the hell was that?

KHAN: (GROANS) Sounded like another letter bomb. Christ, I’ve told those flatfeet a thousand times not to open anything without sending it through security first!

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPENS.

You get the hell out of here, Steel. I mean it. If you’re still in that chair when I’m done dealin’ with this—!

SOUND: ANOTHER SMALL EXPLOSION.

Morons!

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

JUNO (NARRATOR): I could’ve just taken off. I had another contact. Could’ve washed my hands of the HCPD for good.

Then I saw the folder, sitting on his desk. The Samantha Cartwright case file… with a tab on the Throne of Architeuthis. A tab on suspects, too. My hands were moving before I could think to stop them.

SOUND: PAPERS RIFLING.

KHAN: (DISTANT) Get her out of here, you hear me? I don’t care if you know who she is; I said get her out!

SOUND: PAPERS RIFLING, FOOTSTEPS.

JUNO: (MUTTERING) Someone tried to buy the throne from Cartwright…?

KHAN: Alright, Steel, you got ten seconds to– what do you think you’re doin’?

JUNO: Just… looking for something to read, I guess.

KHAN: So that’s how it’s gonna be, huh? This was all just a distraction, wasn’t it? You blindsided me.

JUNO: What, you think I set that bomb off?

KHAN: It wasn’t a bomb. There’s another civilian out there who was showing one of the secretaries how to pop corn in the Fusion Heater.

JUNO: Hell of a pop.

KHAN: Secretary’s goin’ home with half his shirt and a real nice burn. Sounds like the civilian walked in here just a minute or two after you. I’m betting you know her.

JUNO: The hell kind of a person do you think I am, Khan? Some lunatic comes in off the street and you just assume that she’s with me?

RITA: (DISTANT, GARBLED) Boss! Hey, boss? I just made all this popcorn but it sounds like they want me to wait outside now! Do you still have your umbrella?

KHAN: You gonna answer her?

JUNO: Never met the woman.

RITA: (DISTANT) Mista Steel! Pagin’ Mista Juno Steel, private investigator! I said do you have your umbrella!

JUNO: Rita, you have my umbrella!

RITA: (DISTANT) Oh! Oh, I do. Thanks, boss!

Hey, get your hands off me, I’m goin’, I’m goin’!

KHAN: Never met her, huh.

JUNO: I told her to leave the popcorn at the office.

KHAN: And I told you to leave your mitts off my files!

JUNO: You never did, actually, you just told me to leave.

KHAN: We’re done here. Security!

JUNO: If you think tossing me out once is gonna keep me away, Khan—

KHAN: Captain! It’s Captain to you!

SOUND: RADIO CLICKS OFF.

You really don’t get it. Look, Steel, I was your last shot. Me. I’m the only reason you didn’t get your teeth knocked down your throat the second you showed up, you know that? I heard stories about you, sure, but we never worked together, and I figured, hey, maybe the stories are off, people change—

JUNO: They do. I did. And I wouldn’t be pushing this if it weren’t important, Captain. Really.

KHAN: You gonna stop interrupting me? Now, maybe? I’d like now. Now– now would be good.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

Never mind. Here they are.

SECURITY: Well, look who it is.

JUNO: Captain Khan, she isn’t going to stop. If we don’t find whoever’s got the next Martian artifact she’s after, more people are going to die.

KHAN: She? And who’s ‘she,’ exactly?

JUNO: I don’t know, but maybe you’d know if you did your job.

KHAN: Fine! Bite the hand that feeds! Get him out of here.

SECURITY: I’ve been waiting a long time for this, Steel.

KHAN: No more force than you need to get him out the door, you hear me? You wipe that smirk off your face, I’m not kiddin’. There’s so much as a bruise on him you can go wrestle drunks in some dive bar over in Oldtown for your next paycheck, you got it?

SECURITY: …Got it.

KHAN: You’d better. And don’t let him in here again, I’ve got enough to deal with as it is.

JUNO: You could stop this, Khan. I’m trying to play nice, here.

KHAN: Don’t kid yourself. You showed up looking for blood, and now you’re cranky that you didn’t like the taste as much as you thought. Get out of here.

SECURITY: Come on, Steel. Don’t put up a fight.

JUNO: You’re lucky I don’t, beluga.

JUNO (NARRATOR): The thug showed me the door, then showed me the pavement immediately outside it.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS, RAIN.

JUNO: Oof.

SECURITY: And if you want to crawl over and beg, then next time, bring a resume! (LAUGHING)

SOUND: DOOR CLOSES. FOOTSTEPS.

RITA: How’d it go in there, Mista Steel?

JUNO: (MUFFLED) How’s it look like it went.

RITA: The popcorn wasn’t my fault, boss, I swear! That dumb secretary tried to take it out just cause there was one little explosion and anyway if you just let me stop off at the office and pop it like I wanted, none’a this—

JUNO: Stop, stop, stop. It’s fine.

RITA: Really?

JUNO: Yeah, really. My meeting with Khan probably would’ve ended this way no matter what.

RITA: Good! Here, I kept your umbrella warm for ya.

SOUND: UMBRELLA OPENS.

JUNO: Thanks. Car nearby?

RITA: A couple of blocks over. I don’t like to park in front of a police station. My therapist says I got associations.

JUNO: I didn’t know you had a therapist.

RITA: Well, Frannie’s a therapist. I don’t pay her or nothin’, but she reads my moonstones free of charge.

JUNO: Of course she does.

Come on. We’ve got another stop to make, and we have to get there before they open. Trust me, you don’t want to deal with the clientele.

MUSIC: STARTS.

JUNO (NARRATOR): One of the first rules of survival in Hyperion City is figuring out who you can trust. Trouble is, that’s not the kind of lesson most people survive.

Cops are out – they’re all either dirty or too busy cleaning up after the dirty ones to give you a hand. Gangsters are more reliable, if you can afford ‘em. And P.I.s… they’re the worst of the lot by a mile.

Like me. My name’s Juno Steel. I’m a private eye. And whoever tells you I have a persecution complex? Well, they probably have it in for me.

MUSIC: ENDS.

SOUND: CAR DOOR SHUTS, RAIN.

RITA: This is the address, Mista Steel. “Valles Vicky’s Vixen Valley…” Hey, boss, you didn’t bring me to one’a those… y’know… ladies’ and gentlemen’s clubs, didja?

JUNO: Yep. Happy birthday.

RITA: Mista Steel, I’m not that kinda girl! And it ain’t even my birthday, and… ohhh, the HR department is gonna be real mad at you about this!

JUNO: Rita, you are my HR department.

RITA: And look at me! I’m mad, ain’t I? Honestly, boss, I can’t believe this! I don’t even want to think about what my mother would say if she knew I was goin’ into one of those places!

JUNO: I got good news for you then, Rita: your mom’s not gonna be in here.

I mean, probably. Wait, your mom’s not going to be in here, is she?

RITA: Of course she ain’t!

JUNO: Hey, if this is your kind of gig, Vicky’s is the best job on Mars. Provided you can speak four languages, hack into government servers on the fly, and sweet-talk your way through every customs office from here to the Pleiades.

RITA: What’s all that got to do with… (WHISPERING) y’know?

JUNO: The only successful businesses in this city are just fronts for other, more successful businesses, Rita. You ever hear of things being bought and sold on the black market?

RITA: Sure, in movies and stuff.

JUNO: Well, this is it. The black market. One of ‘em, anyway.

RITA: No it ain’t! In the movies the black market is like, it’s like a, a big tent or somethin’; or somebody’s basement; or in this one movie – this is really funny, Mista Steel, you’re gonna love this – it was in the main girl’s uncle’s doghouse. It had a little elevator you’d go down, and—

JUNO: Let me ask you a question, Rita: would you buy anything out of someone’s doghouse? Anything?

RITA: Well, Mista Steel, it obviously depends on the doghouse. We talkin’ Saint Bernard or Chihuahua or Great Dane or Quadruple Cerberus or—

JUNO: Well, most people wouldn’t, alright? Especially the kind of people who’ve got the creds to blow on stolen art and whatever else. Vicky and the Vixens have one of the biggest fence jobs going in this club. If anyone knows about these ancient Martian artifacts trading hands in secret, it’s her.

RITA: Well, I don’t care what they buy or sell in their free time, Mista Steel. These places always creep me out. All those people with their wide eyes and their slimy skin and they’re just lookin’ at you and they won’t stop—

JUNO: I think you’re thinking of an aquarium, Rita.

RITA: Ain’t no way for somebody to make a cred, is what I’m sayin’! And it ain’t no way for somebody to spend it, either!

SOUND: DOOR OPENS.

It’s gross, I tell ya, gr- ohhhh, ahhhh, ahhhhhhhhhhh…

MUSIC: STARTS.

JUNO (NARRATOR): Vicky’s had that effect on most people. It was shiny, classy, and filled with beautiful people – so exactly where I didn’t belong.

The only reason they didn’t kick me out the second I walked in was because I knew the manager. It had taken me ten years to finish working off the debt from the last favor I’d asked of her – so I wasn’t exactly looking forward to asking another.

SOUND: DOOR CLOSES.

RITA: I… whosa… whadda…

VOICE: Detective Steel. So good to see you again.

JUNO: Tod.

RITA: (WHISPERING) Mista Steel, where are that man’s clothes?

JUNO: Oh, he’s wearing ‘em. See, he’s got that little—

RITA: Don’t point at it!

VOICE [TOD]: It’s been a long time, sir. Who were you hoping to see today? Me? Kit?

JUNO: I’m here for Vicky, actually. She in?

TOD: Of course, but… well, Detective Steel, I know it’s been some time and so perhaps you’ve forgotten the rules, but…

JUNO: Private business, right. Rita’s gonna stay out here anyway. Just send someone over to keep her entertained and, ah, she’ll be fine. Put it on my tab.

RITA: I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I…

TOD: And Miss Rita, what are you partial to? Vixens? Reynards?

RITA: I don’t really go in for French food.

JUNO: He’s asking whether you want a man or a woman, Rita.

RITA: OH! Oh, I- I- I couldn’t. N- I can’t. No way. I ju- I- I couldn’t. No.

JUNO: Alright, well, if you’re not interested, then…

RITA: I’LL TAKE WHATEVER YOU GOT I AIN’T CHOOSY!

TOD: Of course.

Kit, if you would help Miss Rita, here?

RITA: (GIGGLING)

TOD: She… does know that all we offer here is fine dining and finer conversation for the discerning lady or gentleman, doesn’t she?

JUNO: You still run that gymnastics show every hour?

TOD: Well, yes.

JUNO: Then she’ll be fine. So where’s Vicky?

TOD: This way, please.

JUNO (NARRATOR): Tod led me through the main hall, with its velvet curtains flowing from the ceiling and its velvety voices flowing from every soft set of lips. The Vixen Valley was the kind of place you could really lose yourself, if you wanted to – surrounded by beautiful people who will share a meal with you, listen to you, agree with everything you say, and then, best of all, who’ll stay behind when you go home at the end of the night. All the fun of romance with none of the mess.

After a falling-out of my own I’d spent a few hard months with the Vixens just like that. It was a whiff at paradise until the money ran out, and I had to meet Valles Vicky herself.

Vicky’s office was tucked away upstairs, in a dark little service hallway that you could’ve walked by three times without ever seeing. That’s how Vicky liked things: sitting in the shadows, making sure every shot she took was deadly. She was on the phone when we got there. Valles Vicky was usually on the phone.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.

VOICE: Whadda these, excuses? Do I wanna hear excuses? Do I sound like I wanna hear excuses to you? ‘Course I don’t. So, how are you gonna explain these reports to me? What reports! What reports, he said! Can you believe this kid, Tod?

TOD: No, I’m afraid I cannot believe this kid, Ms. Vicky.

VOICE [VICKY]: Listen, buddy, this was not part of our deal. I don’t want excuses. What do I want? That’s right, I want results. These ain’t results. Now, look, your quarterly review is comin’ up, and we got a lot- that’s right, it’s comin’ up, and there’s a lot ridin’ on this thing, alright? Don’t talk back at me! Don’t you– don’t—!

SOUND: COMMS BEEP.

He hung up.

TOD: (CLEARS THROAT) Detective Steel is here to see you, Ms. Vicky.

VICKY: Yeah, I can see that. Tod, go give Victor a piece of my mind, wouldja?

TOD: Certainly.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS.

Detective Steel.

JUNO: Thanks, Tod.

SOUND: DOOR CLOSES.

Some phone call. Bad business?

VICKY: No, that was my son. God, I love that kid. Nearly two years old, can ya believe it?

JUNO: Yes.

VICKY: I don’t like to miss a minute, so the wife sends reports throughout the day. I call ‘em up if the little punk gives her any trouble.

Musta been born near the last time I saw you in here. Didn’t expect to see you in my office again so soon.

So. Talk.

JUNO: I was wondering if you could tell me—

VICKY: Oh, y’know what, I’ve been meanin’ to ask you: how’s your friend? The one that made it into Dark Matters? I heard you two caused a lot of trouble over in Oldtown yesterday.

JUNO: Yeah, but I was—

VICKY: Mixed up with Dark Matters, gettin’ into fights with the cops… you been busy lately, ain’t you, Steel?

JUNO: Ooh, you know things you shouldn’t. That’s a neat parlor trick, Vick, but it was neater the first three hundred times.

VICKY: (LAUGHS) Hey, a club like mine is in the business of flauntin’. If you want subtlety, this place ain’t really your bag.

JUNO: I need information on an item somewhere on Mars. Stolen, probably. Trouble, definitely.

VICKY: What is it?

JUNO: Don’t know. That’s what I need from you.

VICKY: Try joggin’ my memory.

JUNO: It’s Martian.

VICKY: Well, if it’s on Mars—

JUNO: Ancient Martian.

VICKY: Now we’re gettin’ somewhere. We talkin’ gasoline-power ancient or, uh… Grim’s Mask ancient?

JUNO: You know the answer to that. As ancient as it gets.

VICKY: Yeah, Grim’s Mask, huh? Got a few items from that era on my radar lately. The Saffron Pill; the Throne of Architeuthis; the uhhh…

JUNO: The what? …The what?!

VICKY: The funny thing is, Steel, it just slipped my mind!

JUNO: (SIGHING) Of course it did. Well, what’s it gonna cost to make it slip back, Vick?

VICKY: Well, now you mention it, I am under a little pressure lately. Yeah, that’s it: stress, cloudin’ me over. You take care’a the stress, then maybe…

JUNO: So, you need me to solve a problem. What’s it gonna be this time? Mug the president of Venus? Again?

VICKY: An innocent mistake! No wonder I fired you, Steel. With you everything’s an inquisition.

JUNO: You didn’t fire me. I paid my dues, and on the way out you tried to trick me into doubling them!

VICKY: Eh, I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.

JUNO: You wrote an entire contract in invisible ink and asked for my autograph.

VICKY: Always drama with you. Speakin’ ‘a contracts, I wrote this one up just in case you dropped by.

SOUND: PAPER SHUFFLING.

JUNO: This contract is dated two hours ago.

VICKY: Just got lucky.

JUNO: No one puts the time on a contract. You’re just showing off.

VICKY: I just need a favor. Quick one. And important enough that I ain’t got time for my usual games with you, so read the contract already. It’s simple enough even you should be able to follow it.

JUNO: It… is, actually.

So you’ll tell me what I want to know if I do a case for you? That sounds reasonable. Depending on the case.

VICKY: You know why my little combo ‘a businesses works so well, Steel?

JUNO: Smuggling and skin?

VICKY: And a lotta both, let me tell you. Look: this town is full ‘a people who want to buy or sell things you wouldn’t exactly call ‘legal.’ Lot of money to be made in that, but a lot of trouble, too. So Valles Vicky’s is the all-in-one package, and we take care of the details in a place where people feel comfortable.

JUNO: Surrounded by beautiful, half-naked people, right.

VICKY: He gets it! Life ain’t supposed to be spent at some greasy fold-out poker table set up in someone’s basement.

JUNO: Guess I’ve been doing it all wrong, then.

VICKY: And it’s all safe! When your interests take you to this side of the law nothin’s a sure thing. That really gets in people’s head, y’know, makes em jumpy. So I only buy the safe stuff. Stolen, sure, but untraceable, from so far on the Outer Rim that even the chairman of the Hyperion Arts Collection wouldn’t recognize half of it. It’s comfortable here. Secure. That means somethin’ to people.

JUNO: You can stop the pitch anytime now, Vick. I’m not a customer. Spit it out.

VICKY: All right, you want it quick: my delivery system is the crown jewel of my business and some slob’s making off with it. My delivery cars are gettin’ stolen. All of ‘em in the same neighborhood.

JUNO: So… routine car-jackings, then. You got unlucky.

VICKY: If that was all I wouldn’t be so worried. Send in a coupla the Vixens with a coupla trillion volts of firepower, bing bang boom, you’re done. But my cars are the only ones getting stolen.

JUNO: That can’t be right.

VICKY: It is. This is Minerva Heights we’re talking about. Smack in the middle of the damn city. Barely a hundred people live there and they’ve all got enough money to pay the rest of the world to go live somewhere else.

JUNO: And carjacking’s not exactly a rich man’s game. Huh.

VICKY: I need those cars, Steel. This ain’t just my business going down the tubes. I don’t get that product to who wants it, I’m liable to get chopped up so fine you could add mayonnaise to me and call me a salad.

JUNO: Trying to watch my figure, but thanks for the offer. What about the drivers of the cars? They have any leads?

VICKY: Cars all drive themselves. I wouldn’t put my Vixens in danger, Steel. There’s a reason pizza delivery’s the best paying gig in Hyperion, y’know: more people die slingin’ pies than slingin’ grenades.

JUNO: So you send out a bunch of unchaperoned player pianos and they got jacked. I don’t really see a mystery here, Vick.

VICKY: The cars’re supposed to be unjackable. There’s a passcode… a key, something like that. I don’t know too much about it, you’d have to ask the eggheads downstairs. Point is, the car’s got enough laser power to light anyone like a Christmas tree on fire if they start to touch it without the key. They’re supposed to be unstoppable. I wouldn’t’ve got where I am if they wasn’t unstoppable.

JUNO: But someone’s stopping them.

VICKY: By the dozen.

JUNO: Who has access to that passcode?

VICKY: Only upper management at the Vixen Valley.

JUNO: An inside job, huh? Hm.

VICKY: Look, a few gray deals aside, I run a respectable establishment around here. I treat the Vixens well. I ain’t gonna go in for a witch hunt, and I ain’t gonna go firin’ anyone unless I’m positive they’re the rat. This is the family business. What’s the kid gonna learn about how to treat other people if I toss my workers out the second things get a little hot?

JUNO: Sounds like he’d be halfway to a degree in management over at Hyperion U, but I see your point.

VICKY: You gonna help me or not? Y’know, scratch that. I know you are, because I know how deep you are in this ancient Martian garbage, so just sign the damn doc and pass it over.

JUNO: Didn’t know that was such a sore point.

SOUND: PEN SCRIBBLING.

There. I’m all yours, probably.

VICKY: So? What’s the plan?

JUNO: You said it yourself, Vick: I’m lookin’ for a rat. And, speaking as a guy who’s had plenty of rat problems, I’ll tell you that the first step is always the same: you set a trap.

JUNO (NARRATOR): It took a few minutes and a lot of muscle to get Rita out of that dining room—

SOUND: DOOR OPENS.

RITA: No! You can’t make me go! I wanna die here, you hear me? I HAVE TO DIE HERE!

JUNO (NARRATOR): —but a few minutes later we were in the car and headed to Minerva Heights.

MUSIC: ENDS.

All… three of us.

SOUND: CAR ENGINE.

JUNO: Vick, I know you like to get hands-on with your business, but this is kind of—

VICKY: Well, whaddaya want me to do? Sit on my rump and wait for you to screw this up? I don’t think so.

JUNO: You aren’t driving my car.

VICKY: Watch me.

SOUND: TIRES SCREECHING.

So, detective? Where to?

RITA: We’re goin’ real fast, Mista Steel!

JUNO: I’m guessing you don’t keep your delivery cars in the Vixen Valley. Too easy to track. So you’re bringing me wherever you do keep 'em.

VICKY: Why? Those ain’t the cars I’m worried about.

RITA: Right now I wish we’d all be a little more worried about this car! Please?

JUNO: I know they’re not. Yet. That’s the plan.

VICKY: You better know what you’re doin’, Steel. I don’t want a big goddamn mess, you hear me?

SOUND: CAR HORN.

The wife cannot know about this.

JUNO: Your wife won’t find out, Vick. I promise.

RITA: (HYPERVENTILATING)

JUNO (NARRATOR): The plan was a good one. As good as any I’ve ever made, anyway. If a Vixen was coming out to steal cars, there was only one way guaranteed to draw them out: give ‘em a car to steal.

But first, we had to make sure the Vixens knew about it.

VICKY: You talkin’ back to me, Tod? After all I done for you? You gonna question me? Tell me, who runs the Vixen Valley, huh? Is it Valles Tod’s Vixen Valley, is it? Is it? Didn’t think so! Special delivery, goin’ out to Minerva Heights in fifteen minutes. You make the calls by then or you tell Pup to put Braised Tod on tonight’s goddamn menu!

SOUND: COMMS BEEP.

JUNO (NARRATOR): Back at the Vixen Valley, dozens of computer techs hiked up their fishnets and got to work. Vicky’s coordinates shot through her underground servers, and there in the garage the delivery car flexed its cannons, revved its engine, and then it was off, peeling down the road towards Minerva Heights.

RITA: Oh, oh, it’s gettin’ away!

VICKY: Not for long it ain’t!

JUNO (NARRATOR): We screamed onto the freeway—

RITA & JUNO: (SCREAMING)

JUNO (NARRATOR): —and made it over to Minerva Heights in no time.

RITA: Where’d it go? I don’t see it, where’d it go??

VICKY: I don’t know. It’s already off its usual route.

JUNO: So our perp’s whoever plans the routes. Well, that’s another case solved by Juno Steel, private eye.

VICKY: That’s almost two dozen Vixens you just described. Case ain’t over yet. Lucky for us, Mission Control tracks the GPS location of every delivery bot… until it disappears. So long as it ain’t gone yet, we should… there! Tucked itself into that alley.

JUNO: I’m takin’ a look. Rita, you circle the block.

VICKY: And me?

JUNO: I’ve given up on telling you what to do.

VICKY: (LAUGHS)

SOUND: CAR DOORS OPEN, CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS.

There’s the car. But it’s just… sittin’ there.

JUNO: Yeah, that’s kind of what most cars do.

SOUND: WATER SLOSHING.

VICKY: So we just reach out and grab it, then?

JUNO: Nope. Now we wait.

VICKY: I ain’t gonna sit in this puddle all day, Steel.

JUNO: You don’t have to. There’s another puddle right over there. Or you could wait in the car with Rita.

VICKY: Hmph.

JUNO (NARRATOR): I thought I was bad at waiting, but Vicky surprised me. We sat in that alley for barely twenty minutes. Vicky was ready to blow her stack after three.

VICKY: This is rich. Oh, this is great. You really get paid to do this all day? Sit in an alley and wait for your opening to disappear? Christ, what a racket. I shoulda paid you half what you got.

JUNO: (HALF-WHISPERING) Waiting seems that easy to you, huh.

VICKY: It’s not like you’re doin’ anything, is it?

JUNO: If it’s that easy, then you shouldn’t have any trouble doing it quietly.

VICKY: Fine. I’ll wait. I’ll wait you under the goddamn table. You’ll see. I can wait with the best of ‘em.

JUNO: I never said you couldn’t.

VICKY: Couldn’t you pick a dryer corner? These are new pants!

JUNO: Vick, this is a storm drain. There aren’t any dry corners.

VICKY: Jesus! The wife ain’t gonna take this well, Steel. They were a gift!

JUNO: I really wish people would stop moaning about their wives today; I am getting real sick of it.

VICKY: Eh, you’ll get it when you get married.

JUNO: Don’t hold your breath.

SOUND: DISTANT FOOTSTEPS.

On second thought, do. Someone’s coming.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.

VICKY: Gettin’ real close… if whoever that is doesn’t watch herself she’s gonna be shrapnel in seconds.

JUNO: Shhh!

SOUND: ELECTRONIC BEEPS.

COMPUTER VICKY VOICE: Back off. Buster. Or you’re gonna be shrapnel. In seconds.

VICKY: I’ve got such suck-ups over in R&D.

JUNO: He’s coming closer… Looks familiar, but where have I seen…

SOUND: BEEPS.

COMPUTER VICKY VOICE: Key accepted. Got a. Password?

VOICE: “Zerda.”

VICKY: What the…?!

SOUND: BEEP.

COMPUTER VICKY VOICE: Accepted. You got lucky. This time. Punk.

VOICE: Huh.

VICKY: Tod?!

JUNO (NARRATOR): It was Tod, stepping through the thick rain of the alley. It took me a second to recognize him. I usually didn’t see him wearing… well, pants.

VICKY: I’m gonna wring his scrawny neck!

SOUND: CAR DOOR CLOSES.

He’s takin’ off, Steel, get your girl over here and let’s go!

JUNO: Cool it, Vick. Where’s he gonna go? It’s a dead end.

SOUND: GARAGE DOOR OPENING.

Or it looked like a dead end.

VICKY: The damn wall just folded up like a garage door! Are you really gonna just sit around to see his next trick?

JUNO: I don’t know, I’m trying to think.

VICKY: Well, think out here all you want. I’m goin’ in. Wait ten minutes and then bring in a cleaning crew.

JUNO: Vick, get back here! Ah, damn it.

JUNO (NARRATOR): It was too late. The door was already closing.

SOUND: GARAGE DOOR CLOSING.

I didn’t know what we’d find there – didn’t know if there’d be any place to hide. But I knew that Vicky was going to make our ambush about as subtle as a neon mousetrap and I knew I couldn’t get what I needed if she got herself gutted.

I followed, and the door closed behind us.

VICKY: Decided to show some spine, huh?

JUNO: Keep it down. We don’t know what’s in here – if you want all your cars back we need to stay quiet until we figure out everything we can.

VICKY: Fine. I’ll play super-spy. But I ain’t gonna put on one’a those damn catsuits.

JUNO: Di– did I even as–? Nevermind. Look, at least it’s dark. So stick to the walls, go slow, and try not to let anyone see you.

VICKY: This to me is not expert advice, Steel.

JUNO: Look, just try to take stock of what they’ve got.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

VICKY: How’re you so sure my product’s all here?

JUNO: I’m not. I have a system, Vick. Do I really have to explain every step to you?

VICKY: If I’m payin’ for those steps, yeah!

JUNO: Look, even if your cars aren’t here, we should find a trail to where—

SOUND: FLOODLIGHTS TURNING ON, BUZZING.

Damn, the lights! Hide!

VICKY: What the… ain’t nothin’ here but the car we brought ‘em!

JUNO: When I said hide, I meant now!

VICKY: I’m done hidin’. Tod! Get out here! Tod!

JUNO: I’m not feelin’ good about this, Vick.

VICKY: Ain’t my fault.

JUNO: Whose fault is it, exactly?

VICKY: Time is money, Steel! I got a business to get to! A family!

JUNO: Well, at this rate you’ll be real lucky if you ever see either of them again!

SOUND: HISSING.

VICKY: What’s that comin’ in the vents?

JUNO: I don’t know, let me check the weather report. It’s gas! The hell do you think it is!

VICKY: I ain’t dyin’ here, Steel. The wife cannot know about this!

JUNO: I’ll be sure not to invite her to the funeral!

SOUND: SLAP.

VICKY: Get us out of this!

JUNO: The doors are locked. This is your fault!

VICKY: I don’t want excuses! I want results!

JUNO: I’ll give you results!

SOUND: SLAPPING, PUNCHING, GRUNTING.

VICKY: Hey!

JUNO: Ow. …hey hey hey! Ah!

VICKY: You like that?! Unh!

JUNO: Not cool not cool!

Ow! Ow ow ow!

VICKY: (PANTING) You sure… get winded… faster than you used to. You get old, or something?

JUNO: (PANTING) There is gas. In the air. You moron.

VICKY: You work for me, P.I.! Watch who you call… a…

SOUND: THUD.

JUNO (NARRATOR): Vicky hit the ground and the ground didn’t stand a chance. Neither did I. The air was full of gas, now; gray with it. My lungs filled up with the stuff, thick and warm as cotton.

And off in the distance, by the door, I swore I could see the silhouette of Tod, all six well-toned feet of him. I tried to feel betrayed, but really, I just felt sleepy.

The gas filled me up, til I was lighter than air, and then I slept.

SOUND: THUD. SILENCE.

***

SOUND: DISTANT CHATTER, PIANO.

JUNO: (GROANING, GROGGY) Vicky? What are you doing in my… Vicky. Vick! Wake up.

VICKY: Honey, just let me go back to— (YELPS)

SOUND: PUNCH.

JUNO: (WINDED) What was that for?

VICKY: Whaddaya mean?! We didn’t– we ain’t—?

‘Course we didn’t. Jesus. You ever wake up and I’m in bed next to you, Steel, do me a favor and smother me with a pillow before I open my eyes.

JUNO: Listen, Vick, if that ever happens, first pillow’s for me.

Where the hell are we?

VICKY: Whaddaya think I am, a bat? I can’t see in the dark any better than you.

JUNO: Stop whining and find a light!

SOUND: CLICK.

Got it.

VICKY: (CACKLING)

JUNO: What? What’s so funny?

VICKY: Nice pajamas, Steel. Where’d you get ‘em?

JUNO: What?

…Someone changed my clothes! What the hell is this?!

VICKY: It’s a tuxedo, moron.

JUNO: Seriously? Well, you’re wearin’ one too, you know.

VICKY: I’m what?

Wha?! Gassin’ us… changin’ us in our sleep… some kinda sicko we’re dealin’ with.

JUNO: …Hey, I look pretty good!

VICKY: Stop droolin’ over yourself and help me find a way outta here.

Steel!

JUNO: Alright, alright, I’m coming.

VICKY: Can’t see anything could pick the lock. Just a buncha cleanin’ junk. Must be some kinda supply room.

JUNO: You try the door?

VICKY: ‘Course I didn’t try the door. You think they’re gonna just drug us and leave us in an unlocked closet?

SOUND: DOOR OPENS.

Well, damn.

JUNO: No ropes, no lock, nice duds. I’m thinking our kidnapper wants us to enjoy the party.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

This is a fancy place… How do you figure Tod got his hands on enough cash for a place like this? Sellin’ off all the junk he stole from you?

VICKY: He didn’t sell it. It’s all on the walls.

JUNO: You’re kidding me. These paintings?

VICKY: And the drapes; that vase; even the plant inside it - that’s a Procellian Nightshade, straight from Ranga, last of its goddamn kind, worth ten billion creds on a cheap day. And it’s sittin’ in someone’s goddamn hallway!

JUNO: So Tod stole all these cars from you… and used them to jazz up his apartment?

VICKY: I knew it. I never should’ve trusted him. Tod was always too much of a weasel to be a Vixen.

JUNO: He could be working with somebody. For someone, maybe. Anyone come to mind?

VICKY: Gonna pop him like a goddamn weasel, soon as I get my hands on him!

JUNO: (SIGHS) Sounds like the party’s on the other side of this door.

Alright. We’ll take a quick look, should be easy enough to find Tod. We’ll grab him, grab your stuff, and get out of here. Ready?

SOUND: KNUCKLES CRACKING.

I’ll take that as a yes.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS. PARTY NOISES AND MUSIC.

Uh-oh.

VICKY: Easy enough to find him, huh?

JUNO: How was I supposed to know there were gonna be three thousand people at this stupid party?

VICKY: This is great. Just great. You’re a lousy detective, Steel, and I’m getting the hell outta here. The wife’s gonna tear me to pieces for this.

JUNO: So soon? Aw, Vick, you haven’t even asked me to dance yet.

VICKY: Stuff it, Steel! I’m sicka this. Sicka all of it. I’m trustin’ the cars to you, now. Supposed to be a respectable business… gettin’ my hands dirty like some kinda– little rat!

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING.

JUNO: Don’t be so hard on yourself. Rat, maybe, but li—

Vick? Vicky, where you goin’?!

VICKY: Tod! When I get my hands on you, there ain’t gonna be enough left to stuff a sausage roll!

JUNO (NARRATOR): She cut through the party like a sledgehammer through butter. I caught up just in time to stop her from doing the same to Tod’s face.

VICKY: Leggo! Leggo’a me, Steel!

JUNO: No can do, Vick; I made you a promise, remember? You kill Tod in front of all these people and your wife finds out about your little side-job in the morning paper.

TOD: I must suggest you take Detective Steel’s advice, Vicky.

VICKY: Who’re you callin’ Vicky? I’m your boss, damn it!

TOD: Not anymore, I’m afraid. I’ve resigned.

VICKY: Resigned?! You’re fired! You messed with the wrong guy, weasel; I own this town! You think you’re ever gonna get a job again? I’ll put you in the ground, buddy, and I’ll put whoever hired you even deeper, and I’ll—

TOD: I do appreciate the offer, Vicky, but that won’t be necessary. I already have an employer. And I believe she’s on her way now.

VICKY: You’re sunk, Tod. Sunk. Backstab me? There ain’t nobody in this town, hell, ain’t nobody in this galaxy who ever even made me flinch, you hear me?

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

VOICE: He can hear you perfectly well, Vicky. I think the whole party can.

VICKY: Who the hell do you think you are, buttin’ in on- what the… suh… wha… no! You gotta be kiddin’ me. …Ingrid Lake.

MUSIC: STARTS.

JUNO (NARRATOR): I’d never seen the woman behind us before, but Vicky certainly had. Ingrid Lake was a cool drink of water – liquid-nitrogen cool, with blue eyes that shimmered like glacial planets in a soft night sky. She was a showstopper. The crowd around her froze – and so did Vicky.

They hadn’t shared many words, but I already knew the kinds that they must have shared before – the soft midnight words that barely make it past the pillow; and at some point the big, explosive ones that tear a life in two.

These two had history, and I didn’t like it. History is messy – that’s why in a job like mine I keep from making any of my own. P.I. work’s dirty enough without your own muck getting mixed into the business.

VOICE [INGRID LAKE]: Valles Vicky, in the flesh. Oh, how wonderful! I was so hoping you’d accept my invitation.

JUNO: You call a lung full of knockout gas an invitation?

VICKY: Steel, I’ll handle this.

JUNO: I’m not sure you will. You look like you can barely handle standing up.

INGRID: Don’t let her fool you, detective; Vicky is a very capable woman. So very… strong.

VICKY: Thought you were in Hoosegow, Ingrid.

INGRID: I was! What a marvelous establishment, Hoosegow; the only prison I’ve ever heard of that genuinely cares about corrections. So open, so willing to listen!

JUNO: I’ll bet the cameras are pretty willing, too.

INGRID: Oh, they are. And so many generous people watching those cameras – such lovely, lovely people! They gave me a second chance, Vicky. A second chance at life, away from those prison bars. A second chance… at the only life I’d ever really want.

VICKY: We called it quits for a reason.

INGRID: Because I went to Hoosegow, yes! But this beautiful city had other plans. It heard my plea, and I… I’m back now. I’m back!

VICKY: It’s been fifteen years.

INGRID: And I’ll regret those years forever. But there’s nothing to be done about them, Vicky. Only the future, now – the beautiful future before us. Don’t you see?

VICKY: A lot changes in fifteen years.

INGRID: Not how I feel about you.

VICKY: Yeah, well—

INGRID: And not how you feel about me, Vicky. Don’t try to tell me otherwise. I’ll smell the lie on your breath.

VICKY: (STUTTERING)

JUNO: …Right here. (CLEARS THROAT) I’m, uh, I’m still right here.

VICKY: No, no, no. Look, Ingrid, I’m sorry this all shook out the way it did, but… Jesus, I got a kid now! A wife! I’m tryin’ to go straight, to get outta all that business you and I got up to!

INGRID: They’ll understand. We’re in love! And you do still owe me from that business, Vicky.

VICKY: Owe you…? No. No way. I told you, it was a bad idea. I didn’t want any part of it to begin with!

INGRID: But can you deny you needed it? Needed me?

VICKY: I…

INGRID: You may not like what I did for you, Vicky, it may not taste as sweet as those cheap cigars of yours, but you can’t deny you’ve benefitted from it. You wouldn’t have your precious Vixen Valley without your darling Ingrid, would you?

VICKY: I…

INGRID: Would you?

VICKY: I– I don’t know, alright? Is it money you want? I’ll get you money, I owe you that much anyway—

INGRID: Money? You think I want… money?

VICKY: I, I, I- I mean—

INGRID: You think I’m going to take money from you like one of your cheap little Vixens?

VICKY: Hey, nobody calls my Vixens cheap!

INGRID: Well, that’s all they’re worth, isn’t it? Tod knows. They give time, they’re paid in money. Well, I paid fifteen years for you, Vicky, fifteen years of a heart behind prison bars, and if you think any paycheck can ever be worth fifteen years of a life, you’re a bigger fool than you were all those years ago!

Oh, darling… let’s not fight. I hate when we fight.

VICKY: You ain’t the only one.

INGRID: That’s not what this is all about, anyway… the stolen paintings and everything else. I don’t care about them. I care about you, Vicky. All those years I sat in my cell and I pined for you, pined. And now… now we can be together again. Don’t you want that?

VICKY: (AFTER A PAUSE) No, Ingrid. I’m sorry.

INGRID: What?

VICKY: I got a life. Fifteen years ago is fifteen years ago. I got now to deal with.

INGRID: You’re really… turning me down?

VICKY: I am.

INGRID: I never thought…

Well, but of course I did. You were always so stubborn, Vicky, ever since the day I met you. That’s why I had to steal all of those cars to get you here: to show you this beautiful place, with all this beautiful art on the walls. The kind of life we’ll have together, when you come to your senses.

That’s right: you never knew how to take care of yourself. Well! Lucky that your Ingrid is back, now, to show you just how it’s done.

VICKY: Ingrid—

INGRID: Shh! Hush, now. Take some time to think. Until midnight! That’s just it! Oh, you’re such a romantic, Vicky; a confession of love at midnight!

VICKY: Ingrid, it ain’t like that anymore.

JUNO: Vick, let’s go. I don’t think she’s gonna hear you, where she’s gone.

INGRID: Go? Where is anyone going? Nobody can leave until the party’s over!

VICKY: Ingrid… The doors are locked, ain’t they?

INGRID: I couldn’t let you get skittish, could I?

Well, if you’ll excuse me, it’s nearly time for my toast. But I’ll see you again, darling, and soon – if not here, then in our home beyond the stars.

SOUND: KISS.

Goodbye!

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

JUNO: I thought my exes were bad.

Vick?

MUSIC: ENDS.

Vicky, you alright?

VICKY: No, Steel. You want to know the truth? I ain’t alright.

JUNO: But what—

SOUND: CLOCK TOWER CHIMES.

INGRID: Attention, everyone! Can I have your attention, please?

Thank you. And thank you all so, so very much for coming! It means the world to me, it really does – and I hope that I can return to each and every one of you just a portion of the kindness you’ve shown me.

JUNO: This is about that “home beyond the stars” crack, isn’t it?

Vick!

INGRID: A second chance. That’s what you’ve all given me: a second chance. And sitting in that cell, I thought… what gift could be more beautiful, more precious, than a second chance?

VICKY: Ingrid and I… used to get up to some dirty business, Steel. Ain’t exactly proud of it.

INGRID: Without my editor, my publicist, and all your kind words and open hearts, I would still be in that cell. Rotting inside and out. Because as beautiful as trust is, not to have it…

VICKY: Wrong side of the law, barely outrunnin’ the cops, day in, day out… more than a few close scrapes. And we thought, if they catch us, they ain’t exactly gonna lock us up together… and who knew if we’d ever see each other again.

JUNO: What are you drivin at, Vick?

INGRID: …To never be given a second chance… why, that could make you mad. (GIGGLES) I don’t know what I would have done, if I were denied my second chance.

MUSIC: STARTS.

Something… oh, it’s too horrible to think about…

VICKY: We promised, if they ever caught us, we’d head to what we called our ‘home beyond the stars.’ No ticket necessary. Just two heavy-duty laser bolts to our own brains.

Steel, you gotta get me outta here. I got a wife waiting for me. I got a kid, you hear me? I ain’t gonna die.

INGRID: …So thank you all – thank you all so very much. I couldn’t ever repay you, not possibly… but for your generosity I hope, at midnight tonight, to show you just what the new Ingrid Lake is capable of.

VICKY: I ain’t gonna die here, Steel! You hear me? I ain’t gonna die!

INGRID: A toast! To starting over!

CROWD: To starting over!

SOUND: APPLAUSE.

JUNO (NARRATOR): Starting over.

Every nuthouse, poorhouse, and jailhouse in the galaxy is bursting with people asking to start it all over again. But there’s no such thing. Never has been. You can’t outrun your past – it always finds a way to catch up with you.

Take Valles Vicky, who’d broken Ingrid Lake’s big, crazy heart, which loved too much for anyone’s good. Vicky thought she got away with it. She thought with a fifteen-year headstart she could finally have the clean slate she’d always wanted.

But there’s no such thing. Never has been.

Valles Vicky broke a heart, and history had caught up with her. In one hour the heart would still be broken, and unless I did something about it, Valles Vicky would be broken, too.

MUSIC: ENDS.

***

SOUND: RAIN & MUSIC.

CONCIERGE: If you’ve enjoyed this tale, please consider supporting The Penumbra on Patreon. You could receive episodes early, read our scripts, and hear commentary by our cast and crew for only a few dollars per episode. You can find that page at patreon.com/thepenumbrapodcast. That’s P-A-T-R-E-O-N-dot-com-slash-thepenumbrapodcast. Please consider supporting the artists who make this possible. Every dollar helps.

You can also support The Penumbra by liking us on Facebook, following us on Twitter @thepenumbrapod, telling your friends about us, telling your friends to tell their friends about us, and especially by rating and reviewing our podcast on iTunes. Every rating, comment, and kind word spreads our stories farther and inspires us to keep creating more and better tales to come.

This tale, Juno Steel and the Midnight Fox, was told by the following people: Joshua Ilon as Juno Steel, Kate Jones as Rita, Elliot Sicard as Captain Omar Khan, Leslie Drescher as Valles Vicky, Jon Smalls as Tod, and Melissa Ennulat as Ingrid Lake.

On staff at The Penumbra: Kevin Vibert is our lead writer and recording engineer. Sophie Kaner is our director and sound designer. Grahame Turner is our lead editor. Juno’s theme was written by Ryan Vibert.

The Penumbra is created and produced by Sophie Kaner and Kevin Vibert.

I’m so sorry you’ve been called away, dear Traveler. We eagerly await your return.

ALL SOUNDS: FADE OUT.

[monstrouswrites]

11/11/11 tag #2

Thank you @gottaenjoythelittlethingzz <3 you are a blessing and I hope your hot drink always stays warm enough to drink!

Rules go like this: 11 answers, 11 questions, 11 writers tagged!

1. Do you prefer to have one story to focus on at a time or do you like to work on multiple pieces at once?

Personally I like to work one at a time with multiple ideas running around in my notes and evernote notebooks. I like thinking about/developing multiple projects, but writing seems to tend towards one at a time!

2. If you could change the title of any of your previous works, what would you change it to and why?

Oh goodness uh, last time I finished anything was when I was ten I think. Maybe 13? But tbh, I usually like my titles bc I spend a long time picking them out. So far my favorite is smoke on the river (death comes quicker) for a fanfic I dropped. I wanna reuse that as a quote or something tbh.

3. About how many words can you type per minute?

Apparently 37 WPM with 94% accuracy, but I know I get faster when immersed.

4. Is there a IRL place in the world that you have yet to write about in a story, but would like to and why? (If not, where in the world do you personally want to visit?)

I really want to one day write something in Chicago. I enjoyed a family vacation there so freakin’ much, I just think it’d be fun. Or, more international, would love to write something set in an Asian metropolis like Tokyo or Seoul, just because I want to learn how to write different kinds of cities.

5. What’s a cool fact about your world? Or about your characters, if there’s no fantasy/sci-fi elements?

For A Cryptic Carol, since that’s my main wip, a cool fact is that paranormal creatures exist, like cryptids. Whether they’re real is a different story.

6. How do you keep yourself accountable for your writing (goals, daily word counts, rewards) if at all?

I’ve tried that but I need to work out a better system. I find it so difficult to write daily, but here’s to hoping I can figure it out in my bullet journal.

7. What was the last book you read? Did it inspire you to write, return to writing after a break, or write something specific when you finished?

Last short story was Symbiosis by Shaelin Bishop, last book was I wanna say The Wrath & the Dawn by Renee Ahdieh in August and before that I was working my way through the Raven Cycle last year about this time. I’m slow to finish books if I finish at all haha. I’m more of a podcast / short story person these days.

8. What’s the last detail you remember adding to any story, character, world you created (list as many as you’d like)?

I remember adding ages to Jackson, Colt, and Robin(yn? haven’t decided) for when they meet. At least, mentally, because I wanted to try and have a baby being taken care of by preteens/kids. Because that’s adorable and hilarious, and provides a nice reason for why the kids warm up to January by proxy of her baby boy.

9. How many notebooks do you currently own and are using? What are they for?

I can’t count since I’m at work (on lunch break) but at least ten sketchbooks, and literally no idea how many notebooks between bullet journals, lined, blank, college rule, etc. Mostly for college classes but a few are for organization & maybe eventual writing.

10. What caused you to take your last break from writing and what brought you back to writing? (If this is too personal, than how long do you consider a “break” for writing?)

I took a major break from the time I was maybe 16 or 17 to this month or so. I had a brief week or two where I wrote fanfic oneshots scattered through 2016, sometimes just a night. I had practically given up on writing for fun, like I had kind of given up on reading for fun. 

But I kept listening to podcasts, like The Adventure Zone and more recently, The Penumbra Podcast. The stories really helped me through hard times, but TPP inspired me so much to try writing fanfic again. I had been doing some fiddling with writing for a petsite too earlier this year, maybe more around July. And it kinda snowballed, with TPP pushing the snowball off the cliff I guess!

So if there’s anything I’ve learned, don’t give up and just keep consuming stories anyway. Who knows what sparks you? Same thing happened with me buckling down to learn how to draw because of youtube artists like Dina Norlund, Kasey Golden, and DrawingWiffWaffles!

11. What are your personal writing goals for 2019?

Finish something. Anything. Hopefully that short story for a fantasy contest themed around family by the deadline, but don’t stress out about that. 

Tagging some fellow writers for my own 11 questions @quarff @lend-your-lungs-to-me @yuyuwrites @push-the-draft @quiescentwriting @decaffeinated1amwriting @roselinproductions @girlnovels @shaelinwrites @cogwrites @scyllaology

1. What’s the last thing you listened to while writing? Or if you prefer silence/white noise, in general!

2. Does your wip have a theme or message? What is it? Ex. family, happy endings aren’t boring, etc

3. What kind of pet animal would you be? What about your MC? Type of dog, cat, bird, etc

4. Do you like word sprints or timed writing like pomodoro? Why or why not?

5. What are the tools you use for writing? Why those?

6. Forget book cover, what’s an album cover that reminds you of your wip? Doesn’t have to have music that matches!

7. What would your MC do in a holiday movie ie saving Christmas, Hallmark, Hanukkah, whatever! 

8. What’s a holiday tradition that your MC enjoys? Hates? Can be any holiday!

9. Would you include illustrations in your wip? Why or why not? Would you ever write something that might have illustrations?

10. What do you prefer: creative/long descriptions or descriptions that are the barest minimum?

11. Do you have a quote you live/write by? Doesn’t have to be exactly about writing!

[ernmark]

Treacherous Heart reaction

So this one did not go the direction I expected it to go, and there’s so very much to chew on here.

Spoilers under the cut.

First of all:

Rilla.

Rilla, Rilla, Rilla.

I don’t often think of people in terms of their Hogwarts Houses, but  if there was ever a woman torn between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw, it’s her. Just look at her, exploding mushrooms for science. Blowing shit up with fucking insta-fire. Marching into the jungle past freakin’ monsters alone on a daily basis, because she’s a medical professional and her patients need her goddammit and people are counting on her so she can’t afford to be afraid.

God, I love her.

I was expecting to find out this episode that she doesn’t actually love Damien. Instead we find that one of her greatest fears (one of her only fears, perhaps) is him being killed by a monster. And she just... accepts it. Encourages him to be the best knight he can be. Listens to his stories (and sonnets, and odes) of near-death experiences that probably terrify her more than a little bit. Only tries to talk him down from his extremely dangerous vocation when he’s hurting himself emotionally. Runs into the goddamn jungle while he’s in the middle of a duel to the death so she can fucking rescue him.

Because she loves him. Because his happiness is important to her.

You know that line about how she’ll only treasure their dance until tonight, when they’ll see each other again (and totally get it on, thank you for answering that virgin question!). How much of her life does she spend wondering if the last time she saw him will be the last ever?

How much of her being grumpy and short with people is a combination of her being a stressed-as-fuck medical professional who’s worried sick over her fiancee?

And can we just take a moment that she was put in the position where she could either watch the love of her life die horrifically, or try to help him and leave him psychologically eviscerated? Can we take a moment to appreciate just how drawn-out the screams were from Not-Damien before she found out for sure whether she’d done the right thing? Can we take a moment to appreciate how drawn-out they were while she was still making up her mind?

God, that’s chilling.

Sir Marc.

Oh, darling darling Marc.

I was expecting Marc to have eased up on Talfryn after the little lesson they learned with the Janus Beast, but it seems like most of his doucheyness is still going strong. He’s being a complete asshole to Tal, who isn’t even here to defend himself-- and I suspect he wouldn’t, even if he was. (Seriously, props to Tal for being goddamn amazing about dealing with the practical side of their adventures and focusing on things like money and food.) Marc’s behavior is shitty, and I appreciate that he’s being called out on it-- both by Rilla and by Danpierre. I also appreciate just how much his insecurities echo Tal’s from Janus Beast. These two make an amazing team, and they need to learn to trust each other. And Marc needs to just plain learn to lay off a bit, because his brother deserves to be treated better.

And you know what I love most about that? It means that this issue they have isn’t a one-episode problem, but the subject of a character arc.

Also, is Marc a Disney Princess or something? Is Danpierre some kind of magical creature rather than a typical horse? Is this a shoutout to the weird magic powers held by the Knights of the Round Table, the way Angelo’s strength seems to be? Because thusfar, nobody else has showed any sign of talking to animals and having them talk back.

I was expecting there to be shipping this episode, what with the look on Marc’s face on that poster and the title of the episode and that line about “a brothel that takes half a day to get from one end to the other” from way back in Janus Beast, and... frankly, a long list of tropes that I’ve been conditioned to accept-- that naturally, the dude and chick on the cover will obviously get together by the end; that there’ll be love at first sight followed by irritable fighting; that since Damien is earmarked to wind up with Arum, we need to get Rilla out of the picture by pairing her off with the next eligible bachelor(/ette) she lays eyes on. All of this stuff is textbook-- or it would be, except this is the Penumbra.

Instead they’re longtime friends, probably from childhood. She’s like a sister to him. His dislike of Damien isn’t because he’s jealous, but... well, probably for the same complicated and sometimes petty reasons that my high school friends didn’t like my partner at first. Because Marc wants what’s best for his friend and literally nobody will ever be quite good enough for her, especially if there’s a strong chance Damien will break her heart by getting himself killed.

Arum.

You didn’t think I’d skip past him, would you?

So the larvae are his big secret-- my money says that they’re what make the Swamp of Titans’ Bloom so very titanic, and also what make his traps so huge and effective. If that’s what gives him his wealth and power, then yeah, I see why he’d want to protect the secret at all costs.

Does he know that Rilla is the person who interrupted his and Damien’s... um... meeting the day before?

Did Rilla collect the larva while Marc was giving her some privacy, or is he aware of it?

Did he knock her unconscious? Was her sleep deprivation meant as a way to keep her out cold for a long period of time without doing actual brain damage?

Also, if metaphor is the domain of monsters, what is Arum’s metaphor?

On that note: as I was listening, my first reaction was “no, physical and emotional pain don’t actually have anything to do with... holy shit, you’re actually acknowledging this!?!?!?”

And the Janus Beast being two-faced... and a bird that’s worth two in a bush... and I’m sure the Echo Cave had something to do with it, too, but I haven’t figured out its metaphor yet.

Have I mentioned lately that internally consistent idea-based worldbuilding is my jam?

Now this makes me wonder: is the rise in manipulation-based monsters connected to metaphors being their domain? Have stories or language changed in some way recently that would produce an uptick in that particular population? It’s worth pondering.

[wellhalesbells]

i’ve been getting a lot of messages lately (and unsurprisingly, considering how unrepentantly i’ve been reblogging stuff from them) from followers asking me for podcast recommendations - and i love getting those so thank you, guys! - and i thought i’d make a masterpost of what i’ve both a) finished and b) enjoyed since i’ve started bingeing them.  and, as an extra added bonus, what has canonical lgbt+ representation (since i know what you guys are into [waggles eyebrows]).

1. the bright sessions

canon lgbt+ is a ✓.  this is definitely the first podcast that i’ve fallen in love with as hard as my original gateway podcast: welcome to night vale.  it’s so well-written, the characters well-drawn, the premise fascinating - atypicals, or people with some sort of special ability, in therapy - and it’s such a positive story and experience that i can’t help but feel better on days i listen to it.  it really believes in humanity and that’s such a wonderful thing in this day and age.  plus, the voice acting is killer.

2. eos 10

canon lgbt+ is a ✓.  i don’t think it’s been officially confirmed that dr. dalias is, at the very least, bisexual (in fact, the official channels seem to be dancing around it, possibly so as not to spoil anything in the upcoming season), though it’s been hinted at plenty in story.  especially as i don’t know how else you can explain a supposedly “straight” male character getting called out on repeatedly thinking about a naked man during a group mind-link experience.  that aside, it is freaking hilarious.  the premise is doctors in space, one formerly drug-addicted doctor helping to stabilize a currently alcoholic one with amazing side characters including nurse jane johns and levi, a hypochondriac alien and deposed prince who seems to have a personal vendetta against wearing pants.  it’s well-acted, cleverly written and a freaking joy to listen too.  so funny and so smart, i can’t recommend it enough!

3. the penumbra podcast

canon lgbt+ is a ✓.  so much queer representation it’s bananas.  this ask the creators got is actually pretty representative of their approach to the show, slyly funny and very gay.  our main character is a genderbending queer private investigator who’s lost his heart head over a sweet-smelling thief with a heart of gold and more aliases than jennifer garner, all set against a noir backdrop.  oh, and on mars.  yeah, you read all of that right.  there are a few awesome side stories as well, including a couple of horror ones (that have no effect on the main juno steel story line, so can be skipped - and the creators are VERY GOOD about warning what’s to come in the episode notes), as well as lesbian outlaws and a disabled knight.  there’s literally nothing not to love.  EXCEPT FOR HOW JUNO STEEL WON’T LET HIMSELF HAVE NICE THINGS.

4. the black tapes

hey, hi, if you’re into horror, suspense, creepery or demons, this is so very much for you.  the premise is that alex reagan, our host, begins a podcast to interview people with interesting professions.  she starts out with dr. richard strand, a paranormal investigator whose mission statement is to debunk all things paranormal.  he even has an institute that offers a one million dollar prize for proof of the paranormal, which he has never even come close to having to part with.  while alex is interviewing him, she comes across a handful of black vhs tapes: the only cases that strand hasn’t been able to definitively solve yet.  the technology to disprove these incidents simply hasn’t come far enough, in his opinion.  needless to say, she never moves on from dr. strand and the mystery of the black tapes.  each episode, alex investigates another of the black tapes and much later on realizes it’s possible that they’re all connected.  oh my god, i almost got chills just writing that, it’s so good, it’s so real, because dr. strand is such a good anchor to reality.  alex will occasionally lose her skeptic’s perspective; dr. strand does not.  and once alex starts experiencing intense insomnia, making you realize your narrator might not be so reliable?  things somehow manage to get even murkier.  i really, really adored this one.  it’s paranormal set in the most normal of normal worlds, only making it that much spookier.  or, alternatively, avoid this like the motherfucking plague.  [curtsies]  if you’re still intrigued, stop after season one.  two, if you can’t find it in yourself to get off the ride any earlier.  ZEUS HELP YOU IF YOU CONTINUE ON, I AM THE OLD MAN AT THE GAS STATION WARNING YOU TO GO BACK BEFORE YOU’VE GONE TOO FAR, ON YOUR HEAD BE IT IF YOU DECIDED NOT TO HEED IT.

5. wooden overcoats

canon lgbt+ is a ✓.  okay, well, if you’ve ever watched black books?  this is kind of like black books, aka one of my all-time favorite shows.  rudyard funn is just as incapable and universally disliked as bernard black, which was all well and good when the village of piffling vale (which is very nearly a town, you know!) only had one funeral home to choose from.  unfortunately, that’s not the case anymore.  eric chapman has moved his funeral home right across the street and stolen all the business from rudyard, his embalmer (cum part-owner) and twin sister, antigone, and georgie, their assistant.  to add insult to injury, he’s charming and universally adored by everyone except those at funn funerals.  very british, very ridiculous, and very funny!  WE GET THE BODY IN THE COFFIN IN THE GROUND ON TIME.  (well, like that one time they did.  [coughs])

6. ars pardoxica

canon lgbt+ is a ✓.  i listened to this one pretty slowly, for me.  it’s very much plot over character, at least in my opinion.  which is fair since there’s quite a lot of plot and set dressing to establish.  we’re following (dr.) sally grissom, a scientist from the twenty-first century who accidentally creates time travel and ends up stuck back in the 1940s.  think a bombs and eisenhower.  it was always interesting, and the paradoxes created by the time travel experiments they kept doing were fascinating (i love time travel stuff because of the paradoxes it creates) but i didn’t get really ravenous for it until season two, which is when i really felt it picked up speed.  you’ve got anthony stuck in a literal CAGE - a “blackroom” bubble set outside of time, sally trying to garden (oh god), a gang consisting of a veteran, a (former) widow and time doubles trying to bring down ODAR (the company sally used to work for, and that anthony still does) and esther sliding down the ladder of morally unsound one determined rung at a time and it makes for a REALLY grabbing audio drama, eh?

7. the strange case of starship iris

canon lgbt+ is a ✓.  i’m already in love with violet liu, all right?  she’s a science officer on starship iris--well, what was starship iris.  when we first join violet, every single one of her crew mates has just died in an explosion on the pod they were traveling off ship with and the starship iris is in its last throes as well.  luckily(?) a passing ship comes along with a plan to get her to safety.  this has a real illuminae vibe to it (which is an amazing book btw) and all the characters are already so freaking likable.  it’s only on episode two and already shaping up to be a favorite!

8. the orbiting human circus (of the air)

canon lgbt+ is a ✓.  if there’s a more heart-warming podcast out there, then i haven’t run across it yet.  first of all, julian koster’s voice is so vulnerable and soft that i would use myself and everyone i know and also puppies as a shield against everything terrible in the universe for him.  second, the rest of the cast - leticia especially - is just as freaking talented.  the premise is that julian is the janitor at a radio show that broadcasts from the top of the eiffel tower and has strange and impossible acts every night, from tale-telling crickets to singing saws to the orkestral, a bird that can play every orchestral instrument (except that it refuses to play the viola, because reasons).  it’s fun and cute and breaks your heart with happiness regularly and often!

9. alice isn’t dead

canon lgbt+ is a ✓.  this is a horror podcast about a truck driver who is looking for her missing wife.  jasika nicole has to have one of my favorite voices around and having it be so heavily dependent on that makes me ridiculously happy.  throw in the story-telling of joseph fink, the depth and cohesiveness of his writing, and there is nothing not to love here.

10. within the wires

canon lgbt+ is a ✓.  this is really sufficiently creepy considering it’s not often overtly creepy.  this is set up as a series of relaxation tapes, which progressively get more and more interested in helping the listener break out of the facility in which she’s being kept.  super chilling at times, because the voice is so calm and the action so dangerous.

11. welcome to night vale

canon lgbt+ is a ✓.  okay, well, what more can be said about this at this point?  if you’re not listening to it, you’re wrong.  why wouldn’t you want to visit a town that can’t be visited and where every conspiracy theory is real and a part of everyday life?  yeah, everyone knows about the vague yet menacing government agency, steve carlsberg, you’re not hitting on anything new there.  there’s a dog park that doesn’t allow dogs, angels that are never to be identified as angels, mountains that aren’t real, a glow cloud that--ALL HAIL and a love story so complete and perfect that it can and will utterly steal your breath at times.  go, listen, inhale.

[hextual]

Podcast Recs

The following recs/summaries may contain light-to-moderate spoilers, though I try to keep things vague and rot13 the more specific stuff! Here is an abbreviated spoiler-free rec list, for the sensitive among you.

Night Vale Presents

The three non-WTNV shows have all finished their first seasons (and Alice Isn't Dead just started its second). They're relatively short and contain complete story arcs. 

WTNV: The ur-podcast, the light horror fiction narrative that kicked off the trend. Y'all know it or you don't. If you've somehow never heard it and don't want to start from the pilot, I recommend trying Episode 13; it's a stand-alone episode in a slightly different format than the rest, but it gives a good sense of WTNV's general aesthetic. Also it's just really really good.

Alice Isn't Dead: A surrealist horror roadtrip about a trucker searching for her wife Alice, who isn't dead. She's got nothing to lose and a lot of dangerous road to cover.

Orbiting Human Circus: Bizarre and magical and a little bit heartbreaking, like all good circuses should be. Julian is the janitor of a heavily fictionalized Eiffel Tower, and he desperately wants to be part of the Orbiting Human Circus show that he cleans up after every night.

Within the Wires: Dystopian sci-fi 1980s AU, told through a series of 'relaxation' cassettes. More grounded in reality than the others, though that's not saying much. The medium is also foregrounded much more in the narrative.

Hiatus

Wolf 359: SUPER dark, though you wouldn't know it from the first dozen episodes. However, the inflicting-trauma to coping-with-trauma ratio is low enough that I listened to the whole thing and will almost definitely listen to Season 4 when it's released starting this June. Also, no queerness whatsoever (making it unique on this list).  

Eos 10: Spaceship sitcom. Less artistically ambitious than most of the others on this list, which is not necessarily a point against it. 

Airing

The Strange Case of Starship Iris: Newer sci-fi podcast that I absolutely love; it ticks all my very specific boxes (including medium-as-message) and is also just really well constructed and executed. I adore every single one of the main characters. There are only 4 episodes but I'm so hyped about it. 

The Bright Sessions: Audio files from a therapist to teens and young adults with superpowers. Everything I ever wanted X-Men to be: light on the fight scenes/explosions, heavy on exploring what it means to have superhuman powers and how that might affect your life/relationships.

The Penumbra Podcast: Cyberpunk noir pastiche that sometimes gets a little too broad for me but is generally good fun of the Thrilling Tales! variety.

Ars Paradoxica: Time travel in one of its more complex interpretations. Paradox is a major plot element. Kind of sci-fi historical fiction?

Now for the more detailed writeups, including overviews of queerness and genre. As I said before, potential spoilers are rot13′d...but Here There Be Dragons etc.

Night Vale Presents

All of these are incredibly solid shows with an otherworldly feel to them that I love, despite being otherwise quite different.

All main characters are queer; WTNV has queer side characters (including nonbinary characters), but afaik the only other explicitly queer characters in AID/ORC/WTW are love interests of the MCs. That's pretty understandable, though, given that the casts of the three non-WTNV shows are exponentially smaller, and they've aired significantly fewer episodes.

I want to mention something in a totally value-neutral way: none of the shows feature homophobia or directly discuss queerness (lowkey exception for one episode of WTNV). I actually enjoy that, personally; it's usually very restful to spend time in worlds where queerness is normalized and unremarkable. Occasionally, however, I do want a slightly more direct approach, so I wanted to make a note in case you're in that kind of mood. 

Welcome to Night Vale The first and only podcast I listened to for about a year. Honestly, do I even need to say anything about WTNV?  I do want to mention that I think it's gotten a little bogged down in continuity over the last year. AFAIK it wasn't conceived as a long-running narrative arc, and a lot of its early charm came from the total lack of context. After Year 2, I feel like it did start spending a little too much time explaining things and filling out backstory for elements that, frankly, didn't need them. YMMV ofc, and I still listen to/enjoy every new episode, but I'm not madly in love with Year 3 the way I was with Year 1-2. Queerness: Queer af! The main character gets a full same-sex romance arc; V'q pnyy vg 'unccl-raqvat' ohg vg'f fgvyy batbvat nf n ybivat naq urnygul eryngvbafuvc, juvpu vf rira orggre. Multiple side characters are queer, including a few nonbinary characters who use they/them pronouns.  Genre: tucking into a short stack at 2am in a diner in the American Southwest, slowly realizing that the woman behind the counter called you by name even though you've never been here before, and also you can't quite remember how you got here in the first place. Alice Isn't Dead Beautiful, creepy, and acted by the brilliant Jasika Nicole. I'd place this more firmly in the horror genre than the others, so if you're sensitive to that kind of thing, take note; there's some suspense and a little bit of violence. That said, I am usually MASSIVELY sensitive and can't even watch trailers for horror movies (I have made my peace with never ever seeing Get Out), and I was perfectly fine with it. Queerness: The main character is a woman married to Alice, who isn't dead. It's like the opposite of the Bury Your Gays trope. Genre: driving along a nameless interstate late at night, the world around you narrowed to the section of road thrown into sharp relief by your headlights, and the occasional glint of animal eyes. The Orbiting Human Circus of the Air ORC is the most fanciful of the Night Vale family. The other shows seem like they take place in realities just a shade off from ours, but ORC completely throws any pretense of realism out the window. There's no real sense of a world outside the Circus, and why should there be? The Orbiting Human Circus of the Air has an infinitude of fantastical delights: singing saws, a bird that can mimic (almost) a full orchestra, tap-dancing mice. There's no trick or sleight of hand involved, not even a dusty tome of magic spells. ORC simply presents a world in which these wonders exist in hidden corners. The story is sometimes melancholy, and there are regular hints of a deep sadness underneath the surface, but the main character is defined by his determination and...well, 'optimism' would be too strong a word, but he has an unyielding sense of hope. He doesn't actually think things will turn out well for him (and he's so often right about that), but he clings to the hope that this time, maybe it might. Queerness: Gur znva punenpgre nyyhqrf gb na rk-oblsevraq bapr. This is one of the lighter touches of queerness in the Night Vale family. Genre: peering through a dusty velvet curtain just offstage, while brightly-costumed creatures dance to a tune you haven't heard since you were a child. Within the Wires While all Night Vale Presents shows have some kind of narrative conceit framing the audio medium (community radio station, trucker radio transmissions, broadcast wish fulfillment), those tend to be vehicles for the story and stylistic flourishes, rather than core elements of the story itself. WtW is presented as audio cassettes on full-body relaxation, and the cassettes themselves become key actors. This is not a story that could be told in any other medium, which personally I freaking love. This is also a more sci-fi show than the others, despite being set in AU 1980s, and more blatantly dystopic. The world-building's a little more evident, which is neither a good thing nor a bad thing; I think it's a side effect of being more sci-fi than fantasy. Everything feels like it has an explanation, even if the explanation is not provided, and it all fits together smoothly. Also: the narrator has a mild kiwi accent, which I find incredibly soothing. Queerness: Yep. Gur znva punenpgre unf n pbzcyvpngrq ohg qrpvqrqyl abg cyngbavp (s/s) eryngvbafuvc jvgu gur jbzna gur gncrf ner vagraqrq sbe.  Genre: lying quietly in a sensory isolation tank until you inexplicably start crying for the first time in years.

On hiatus

Wolf 359 So, there are a couple voice actors in Wolf 359 that don't do a whole lot for me, performance-wise. I don't want to get more specific because YMMV and I'm also just a really picky audio consumer, but there you have it. Mostly it's not an issue, though. This is also one of the darker shows I listen to, although it starts out with more of a zany sitcom vibe. There's a fair amount of murder, murder attempts, and general people-being-horrible-in-ways-they-believe-to-be-justified. It's not something I think I could sit through again, but it is a captivating story told well. There's a lot of focus on the emotional arcs and characters dealing with trauma, which I am All About in sci-fi. 

Queerness: zero. Zip. Zilch. It doesn't feature any romance arcs at all, though, so...I found it tolerable. Honestly, if it hadn't come so highly recommended, I probably would not have given it a shot. Genre: placing your hand on a rusty, unmarked door that wasn't in the ship schematics, and knowing you must step through—you must step through. Eos 10 After my first pass at this write-up, I realized that I was being really negative—far more negative than this show deserves. So I want to be clear: I listened to and enjoyed every extant episode of Eos 10, and I'm looking forward to Season 3, whenever it's released. It's a pleasantly entertaining space sitcom and I've gotten attached to the characters; the writing's solid and the voice acting is generally pretty great. It's just not quite tailored to my specific tastes. Ok, back to what I originally wrote: This podcast feels a lot more mainstream/conventional in its tropes than the others. Unlike most of the podcasts I listen to, the medium is invisible to the characters: it's not pitched as a radio show or a voice recorder or a series of motivational tapes. To me, this adds another layer of remove between the audience and the story. It's fine, it's just very straightforward in its presentation, with no medium-specific conceit or anything. It’s not really outsider art in any sense, and could legitimately be a TV show if it had the budget. That's a pretty good description of the show as a whole, honestly. It makes no pretense at being high-concept, it just does what it does. Queerness: This one...is not very queer. One of the side characters is gay but it doesn't really come up a lot. There's also a gay minor character that gets mentioned but never appears, and it's kind of a running gag that the gay character has a thing for the main character, who insists he's straight. It's a gross trope and I kind of winced at it, but it's usually framed by other characters as "are you sure you're not interested, because [gay character] is way out of your league and you're really not going to do better," which mitigates it somewhat for me? Also, gurer ner uvagf gung gur znva punenpgre zvtug npghnyyl or vagrerfgrq va gur tnl punenpgre, but only time will tell whether it's queerbaiting or not. Look, it's not an ideal situation. If it’s a dealbreaker, I totally understand, especially since there's no clear answer to the "is this queerbaiting" question and due to some unfortunate creator health issues, we might not get one for a while. Genre: ducking out of the way as a harried-looking man in a lab coat and stethoscope pelts down the hallway, yelling "GET ME FIVE UNITS OF ALIEN SEX POLLEN, STAT!"

Airing

The Strange Case of Starship Iris

I love this show a disproportionate amount, given that only four episodes have aired. This is a newer podcast, and one I stumbled on completely by accident! I wasn't expecting much, but it was sci-fi and the main character's last name was Liu, so I decided to give it a shot. And then it turned out to be not only awesome but also totally queer! I think I actually said "HAH! YES!" out loud when the queerness was canonized within the first few minutes. (This is why I live alone.) Plus, this is a small thing from a throwaway line, but...the main character weighs roughly the same amount as I do. Do you know how often that happens with Asian characters? Never, is how often. For possibly the first time in my life, I feel like I can legitimately headcanon a main character who looks exactly like me. I'm definitely going to do some incredibly self-indulgent fanart at some point. Unprecedented overidentifying with the main character aside: honestly, it's like this podcast was tailor-made for me. MAJOR SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 1 (and kind of 2): Vafrpher ovbybtvfg wbvaf ent-gnt perj bs fzhttyref jvgu n sbhaq-snzvyl ivor naq nyvra phygheny pynfurf, nyy senzrq va n fvavfgre zrgnaneengvir gung hfrf gur zrqvhz nf n cybg qrivpr, CYHF cbgragvny ebznapr orgjrra na Rnfg Nfvna jbzna naq n Fbhgu Nfvna jbzna? Um, sign me the fuck up.  The only downside is that this has definitely raised my expectations for new podcasts by an unreasonable amount. Every new podcast I've tried since Starship Iris has been vaguely disappointing. My podcast standards are way too high now, and it's all Starship Iris's fault.

Queerness: YES. The main character is a queer woman, there's a nonbinary alien species and the alien crew member uses they/them pronouns, and there's a trans guy. Also, this is wild speculation, but V guvax/oryvrir/ubcr gung bar bs gur bgure srznyr perj zrzoref vf orvat frg hc nf n ebznagvp vagrerfg sbe gur znva punenpgre. There's some explicit discussion of gender identity in a non-traumatic way which tbh is like water in the freaking desert.

Genre: ??? it's too new and I love it too much to assign it a genre. 

The Bright Sessions

As I said in the spoiler-free summary: this is everything I wanted X-Men to be. Hell, it's everything I ever want superhero stories to be, and it's why I've been drawn to superhero stories since I was a teenager. The Bright Sessions deals with the complex consequences of, e.g., having empathy powers as a teenager while learning how to manage your own emotions and maturity. The main character is Dr. Bright, a therapist specializing in people with superpowers, which naturally provides the perfect angle for those people to get really navel-gazey about their lives. There is an actual overarching plot with a shadowy government agency, of course, but that's definitely not what I'm here for and luckily that’s clearly just a vehicle for the feelings.

Queerness: One of the main characters has a m/m romance arc; another main character is asexual; a side character (who may soon be considered a main character?) is bisexual. Because the conceit is therapy sessions, Dr. Bright does inquire delicately about how her patients may or may not be coping with emerging/existing queer identities, but none of them find it traumatic.

Genre: telekinetically fiddling with a desk puzzle limned in afternoon sun, as the doctor asks: "And how does that make you feel?"

The Penumbra Podcast

I'd had the Penumbra Podcast on my radar/subscriptions list for a while, but I'd never quite finished the first episode...until the remastered/rewritten first story was released. The difference is astronomical. The creators talk about audio quality etc. in their reasoning for recreating the first story, but for me, the main distinction is the skill in storytelling and the confidence to create noir without relying on questionable tropes to signal "hard-boiled!!!" I sometimes think the writing and characterizations are a little broad, but that may be down to genre. Penumbra doesn't really go for 'subtle' or 'realistic.' An important format note: there's a main character with episodic adventures, but in between the two-part adventures, there are one-shots in various genres. I actually skipped most of the one-shots because I'm not great with horror or kid stories.

Queerness: The main character of the main story is queer (jvgu na qryvtugshyyl rzbgvbanyyl pbafgvcngrq z/z ebznapr nep gung'f abg va n terng cynpr evtug abj), as are numerous side characters. It's a noir pastiche, though, so the main character is pretty self-sabotaging in all areas of his life; a 'happy ending' doesn't seem incredibly likely. One of the stand-alone stories is a queer Western, which I found delightful. It's also one of the few stand-alone stories that has a bonus follow-up episode.

Genre: taking a long, slow drag on a cigarette as the rain blurs the neon lights and filth of the alien city below.

Ars Paradoxica

Ars Paradoxica shares a producer with The Bright Sessions, which is why I tried it! Like all decent time travel stories, Ars Paradoxica is meticulously planned with a lot of moving parts. The worldbuilding is intense and requires actually paying attention, which can be challenging for me since I typically listen to podcasts while multitasking.  Frankly, it moves a little slow for me...which is odd to say about a show that regularly has timeskips of months or years and literally involves time travel. I guess I feel that way because there's a lot of attention paid to the action and plot, but less to the emotional character arcs. And obviously my narrative preferences run a certain way, so I'm only really paying attention to the character stuff. Which, to be fair, certainly exists and is carried through well—it's just not in my preferred proportions. Plus, the cast is quite sprawling compared to most other podcasts, and the tone is almost Crapsack World but not quite. 

Queerness: The main character is explicitly asexual and briefly explains it, and there are a handful of queer side characters. It's semi-historical, and there's some discussion of managing visibility etc. 

Genre: staring into the dusty gears of a massive clock running backwards as the minute hand slowly approaches a blinking red light.

[thehenryhiggs]

bre’s big ol podcast rec list

heyyy everyone! so @bodhilukes​ asked for podcast recommendations on twitter and @czarrish​ and i immediately jumped on that. i was gonna make this list sometime this month away, and im super excited to do it! this is probably gonna get long so under the cut we go!

COMEDIES:

1. Hello From The Magic Tavern

Updates: Every Monday

Current # Of Eps: 101

General Length Of Eps: 40 mins to an hour

Synopsis: Arnie Niekamp fell through a dimensional portal at a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. He’s still getting a slight wifi signal from the Burger King, so he hosts a weekly podcast with his buddies Chunt (a shapeshifter who normally takes the shape of a badger) and Usidore, a wizard. They interview different creatures from Foon each week as Arnie tries to learn about Foon, while also trying to figure out how to get back home.

Notes: Okay, I have to say it. This is my favorite podcast. I love it to absolute death. It 100% got me into improv comedy and comedy podcasts, to the point where that’s pretty much all I listen to anymore. Arnie, Matt, and Adal are sweethearts and the show is so genuinely funny and interesting. Please give this one a listen.

2. The Adventure Zone

Updates: Every other Thursday

Current # Of Eps: 57

General Length Of Eps: An hour, but there are a few that are two or three.

Synopsis: The McElroys play Dungeons and Dragons. But it’s also so much more than that.

Notes: Okay you all know how much I love this podcast. I love it to death. I’m still only like halfway through it but god it’s amazing and I’m so angry I didn’t start it earlier. All of the characters are amazing and Griffin is truly such an amazing storyteller. It’s so much deeper than you would originally think, and it will make you cry like a baby. Please listen to The Adventure Zone. Holy shit.

3. CoolGames Inc 

Updates: Every Friday

Current # Of Eps: 45, with some CGI Jrs mixed in.

General Length Of Eps: An hour (CGI Jrs are 20 mins)

Synopsis: Polygon’s Nick Robinson and Griffin McElroy take listener suggestions and make video games out of them.

Notes: These are my favorite soft boys, and they are just too funny. Some of the games they come up with are genuinely good games that you’ll be upset don’t actually exist, but most of them are just silly goofs that are guaranteed to make you laugh. This podcast single-handedly got me through last semester, so shoutout to Nick and Griffin for that. You should also check out CoolGames Inc Animated!

4. Improvised Star Trek 

Updates: Every other Monday

Current # Of Eps: 157, with a BUNCH of bonus eps mixed in

General Length Of Eps: About 30 mins for regular eps, 5 mins for bonus

Synopsis: These are the voyages of the starship Sisyphus, Starfleet’s worst crew. Captain Julius Valentine Baxter and his crew, including First Officer Corbomite Hayes, Science Officer Crick Watson, Ensign Laserbear, and Chief Medical Officer Zarlene Zonaldson, just to name a few, get into way too much trouble out in the final frontier.

Notes: I started listening to this because of Matt Young from HFTMT (and because I got super into Trek), but god I fell in love with every single character. Quite a few guests from HFTMT are regulars on IST, and their shenanigans are just amazing. If you love Trek, you’ll love this.

5. Siblings Peculiar 

Updates: Infrequently

Current # Of Eps: 29

General Length Of Eps: 30 mins

Synopsis: Adam and Sarah Peculiar (pronounced Pec-U-lAr) are trying to figure out what happened to their parents, paranormal investigators that suddenly disappeared 10 years ago. They interview conspiracy theorists of all sorts as they try to gain any information they can about their parents’ whereabouts.

Notes: I started listening to this one because of Adal Rifai from HFTMT, and I’m glad I did because he and his sister are so funny together. Their conspiracy theories are so off-the-wall hilarious (there’s a whole episode about Grease being propaganda where they interview the real creator of Grease), although I will say the comedy might not be for everyone as it can veer a little into the offensive (but it’s satire and I personally love it). It’s less frequent now because Sadieh got cast in a tv show, but I still recommend listening to it!

DRAMAS:

1. Welcome to Night Vale 

Updates: Bimonthly, on the 1st and the 15th.

Current # Of Eps: 103

General Length Of Eps: 30 mins

Synopsis: Cecil hosts a radio show in the mysterious town of Night Vale, where abnormal things like Glow Clouds, angels, ominous dog parks, and floating cats are commonplace.

Notes: We’ve all listened to WTNV at this point, right? Or at least heard of it? Besides an old Fringe podcast I used to listen to back in like 2008, this was the first podcast I ever listened to. Cecil’s voice is just incredibly soothing, I find this podcast really helps when I’m super depressed, and I used to stock up on eps specifically for those times. 

2. The Black Tapes/TANIS 

Updates: they used to be weekly but they look pretty infrequent now

Current # Of Eps: TBTP has 24, TANIS has 25, both with several bonus eps mixed in

General Length Of Eps: 30-45 mins

Synopsis: TBTP is about journalists Alex and Nic investigating The Strand Institute’s Richard Strand and his various black tapes that may be evidence of the paranormal. TANIS is the spinoff, where Nic focuses more on real life conspiracy theories as he tries to find the location of the mythical TANIS.

Notes: I’m not gonna lie, I did drop both of these podcasts and I’m not sure if I will pick them back up. But the first season of both were incredible, and @czarrish introduced them to me and they really got me into podcasts. In my opinion they both declined in quality during their second seasons, but that’s just my opinion!

3. The Penumbra Podcast 

Updates: I think it’s on hiatus? But I think it was bi-weekly at one point

Current # Of Eps: 19, with bonuses mixed in

General Length Of Eps: 30-50 mins

Synopsis: The Penumbra is the grandest hotel this side of Nowhere.The series mostly follows Detective Juno Steel trying to solve mysteries, but they’re all stories you recognize told in ways you won’t expect. 

Notes: Again, I’m not gonna lie, I’ve barely listened to this and I really don’t know that much about it. I had to take a lot of the synopsis from the actual one on their website. But the first two episodes were awesome, so I feel confident in recommending it. I think they might be rebooting it?? Idk, you might want to ask @czarrish for more details.

4. Alice Isn’t Dead

Updates: Season one wrapped in Jul 2016 and it’s been on hiatus ever since. edit: s2 is starting soon!

Current # Of Eps: 10

General Length Of Eps: 30 mins

Synopsis: Alice is a truck driver who’s driving across the country in search of her missing wife, who she thought had been dead but now has reason to believe otherwise.

Notes: This is from the creators of WTNV and features the voice of Jasika Nicole, who I know and love from Fringe but also does the voice of Dana on WTNV. It’s spooky but not too much so, and I’ve admittedly only listened to 3 episodes but just like Cecil, Jasika has a wonderfully soothing voice.

MISC:

1. Jay & Miles X-Plain the X-Men

Updates: Every Monday

Current # Of Eps: 148

General Length Of Eps: An hour

Synopsis: Basically what it says on the tin: two guys explain in detail everything that has happened in the X-Men universe, starting at the very beginning.

Notes: Again I haven’t listened to too much of this, but it’s really fun. I’ve loved X-Men for a while but I always get confused with all the retcons and different verses and stuff, but Jay and Miles do a wonderful job of explaining everything without making it confusing.

2. Terrace House Mafia 

Updates: Infrequently

Current # Of Eps: 14

General Length Of Eps: 10-15 mins

Synopsis: Polygon’s Nick Robinson and his roommate Chad watch Terrace House: Boys & Girls in the City and talk about it. That’s it. But it’s cute as fuck.

Notes: I absolutely love listening to these guys talk about Terrace House because they’re going through the exact same journey that I (and probably everyone) went on when I first watched it. It’s quick and super fun to listen to.

3. The Probe 

Updates: Was weekly, but s1 wrapped in November so it’s been on hiatus

Current # Of Eps: 8

General Length Of Eps: 30 mins

Synopsis: A satirical take on news podcasts, two journalists follow the election at Franklin Delano Roosevelt High School, and learn about the country’s political climate along the way. 

Notes: Again, I started listening to this because Matt Young from HFTMT produced it, but I really enjoyed it beyond that. If you like HFTMT, you’ll recognize a lot of the Chicago-based actors in The Probe. Also I wasn’t exactly sure where to put this so I just put it in MISC cuz it’s like... definitely funny and improvised but also it’s a little serious, maybe? Idk, it’s satire. And it’s great satire.

I’m also gonna include the podcasts that I’m subscribed to but I haven’t actually started listening to yet. They piqued my interest but I just haven’t gotten around to listening to them yet! So here we go: The Bright Sessions, Darkest Night, The Hilarious World of Depression, Hollywood Handbook, Homecoming, Lore, My Brother My Brother And Me, Reply All, The Room Where It’s Happening, Wolf 359, With Special Guest Lauren Lapkus.

[podcake]

February Finds: Wooden Overcoats Review

I suppose you could say the theme for this month’s reviews are the shows I’ve known about for at least a year but I haven’t quite gotten around to discussing. I’m weird about what I choose to review and when and I can’t say I know why I slacked off on Our Fair City and Wooden Overcoats for so long. 

All I was certain of was that I wanted them to share the same space together, that they held some form of similarity I couldn’t quite shake off. Much like the past year where I grouped Hadron Gospel Hour and The Meat Blockade into a duel review month, there was some sort of connection between these two shows I can’t always phrase properly. 

I suppose the first question here is obvious: How can one create a compelling show about funeral homes? How can one create a compelling a show about competing funeral homes? I’m not entirely sure myself but the people at Audioscribble seem to have this figured out.

Wooden Overcoats is the story of  Rudyard Funn as he continues to run the a funeral parlor in the remote island of Piffling Vale alongside his socially awkward sister Antigone Funn and the hyper competent and snarky assistant Georgie Crusoe all told from the point of view from his only real friend, a mouse. 

He used to be the only one funeral parlor in town, that is until a more charming and handsome lad by the name of Eric Chapman sets up shop with his own funeral home and gains the immediate success and adoration Rudyard has been wanting for years. 

The premise is as simple as that and from it comes a surprisingly satisfying bit of comedy and conflict. The formula here is rather simple in context:  

Our protagonist struggles with feelings of superiority and the burning drive of competition in a business one he didn’t expect he’d ever have to face. His peace of being the only one of his kind in his village is disrupted and now he must deal with these budding emotions in a mature and sophisticated manor...which he doesn’t.

A large majority of humor is derived from this alone, from misunderstanding after misunderstanding, scheme after scheme, and struggle after struggle that more likely than not will end in failure. It’s one of those shows.

Wooden Overcoats relies on a brand of black comedy that threads itself throughout each and every scene. This is, after all, a show about funerals and managing businesses around them, so the death related humor here is inevitable, made all the more poignant by it’s rather quirky cast of characters. 

This makes an excellent way to present the show’s central premise without overwhelming the viewer, never letting the weight of its topic be handled too seriously. It turns the morbidity of death on its head with quick witted banter and very off-the-wall, very British experience. 

What with all the horror podcasts out there, it’s nice to have an audio drama that takes the bleakness of death and despair and pokes a little fun at it. And for that, it’s rather refreshing. 

In terms of presentation, Wooden Overcoats is one of the best you’ll find. I’ve been bringing up audio editing lately, though I can’t emphasize enough how good craftsmanship can make or break a show.

Wooden Overcoats has a much more simple display and setting than Our Fair City though both are poignant in their editing for the same reasons. They’re both well aware of their setting and mood and know how to make it known in each and every scene.

Good and clever writing is all fine and dandy but it’s delicate packaging that really makes the effort matter. The same could be said for voice acting which is, once again, a detail that may seem small but makes all the difference whether a not a punchline lands. Wooden Overcoats succeeds in this area as well, every one of the actors seeming to be thoroughly enjoying themselves and clearly having a blast.

When the voice actors are having fun, we as an audience are having fun and that makes the experience all the more intimate which I think is especially vital for a show meant to make you laugh. 

And there is something oddly humorous about the position our characters are in, how they desperately thrive to get as many caskets filled as they can in their small village, eagerly awaiting for a cough to become a heart attack and for an old man to reach their final moments all for the sake of making a profit. This may or may not make the leads seem unsympathetic or simply unlikable, but I suppose this is all a matter of perspective.

Without the funeral home gig and the whole managing a business excuse, Rudyard would possibly be a psychopath. He’s a typical unsympathetic comedy protagonist trope and that may or may not be your thing when it comes to a main character. 

I suppose the main issue with Overcoats could be its characters in general. They are most certainly enjoyable in a comedic setting but not much else, making any possible changes of tone feel awkward. Not that they aren’t engaging, they just don’t really provoke...well, sympathy.

And sympathy might be a crucial point when you see our lead constantly being screwed over by his own desperation. He’s almost always the loser which is a formula that is certainly entertaining, but can get stale when its put on repeat. 

That might just be the joke and I’ve listened to much more dark comedies with odder characters that are legitimate murderers and manipulators, but there’s always the underlying issue of the comedy and tragedy combo could easily evoke apathy from the audience. 

Sometimes a character can simply be too pathetic, too petty, too simply awful to truly care about the struggles of, even if it is the underlying point to their suffering. And that’s what most of my favorite comedies seem to have in common: this sense of suffering. 

In 2014 you could never get me to shut up about Kakos Industries, to this day I still consider Hadron Gospel Hour to be one of the funniest podcasts out there, and The Meat Blockade is a piece of highly underappreciated Kafkaesque inspired passion put into form. 

And what do all these shows have in common? They’re about people being put into compromising scenarios, some of which they concoct themselves, and having to find a way out. Overcoats doesn’t have the same scheme of a fantastical setting or supernatural forces beyond the unpredictability of life and a mouse narrator, but it has the same idea nonetheless. 

I am an avid fan of comedy audio drama but only a fraction of what I’ve found has managed to make me laugh out loud. Wooden Overcoats has squeezed itself into this rare category of the comedy audio drama that generates genuine, cheerful laughter from its listeners. 

I’m talking laughs that start in the belly and blow air out of your nose and there’s nothing better than consuming episode after episode just to get more of this contagious humor in your system. 

A personal show of quality in my book, for a podcast at least, is the need to keep listening. If a podcast can master the art of becoming the audio version of a “page-turner”, than their mission has been well accomplished. 

While The Penumbra musters this through interesting cases and a stand-out setting and Wolf 359 has its excellent drama, Wooden Overcoats is simply what it sets out to be: funny.

So I highly recommenced giving Wooden Overcoats a peak. You might just die laughing.