#i haven’t eaten all day and it’s 4pm and i’ve been up walking around in the heat since 7am

[unspecifiedfigure]

You are trapped inside you, and wherever you go, there you are.

[harrysgoldenline]

hiiii. I adore your writing, you're soo talented. I don't know if your requests are open, but if they are, do you think you could do something where y/n gets hurt (not seriously) but seriously enough that Harry freaks out cuz she's unconscious and it was 'on his watch ' or something. Feel free to change anything 😂😗

Thank you so much 🥺 my requests are always open so plz submit as much as you want! Thank you for requesting 💖

Dizzy

Y/N didn’t feel very good.

She has been helping Harry tun around with his errands, going to meetings, rehearsals, the studio and now they were on their way to a Gucci fitting for him to try on some outfits for upcoming performances and tour.

Of course Y/N loved spending time with him and being able to go see him in his element and watch him work. He loved it too because she was the perfect distraction and made the days go by faster, just by seeing her smile at him, squeezing his hand always when he needed her most.

Now, Y/N was getting exhausted. She hadn’t eaten anything and hardly had a sip water and that clock had just hit 4pm. She began feeling a little lightheaded, vision going fuzzy a bit as they entered the room and the bright lights hit her.

“Are you alright?” Harry whispered, holding her waist a bit tighter as she walked unevenly, guiding her to the bench close to where Harry would have his fitting done.

“Yep!” She squeaked, leaning up and kissing his lips quickly before moving back quickly, towards the clothing rack, “put on the lilac one on first!”

“Yes ma’am.” He giggled, already sliding off his jacket and leaving him in his undershirt before slipping off his trousers.

Soon, the stylist comes in, watching Harry as he steps before the mirror and began sticking pins where they were needed, helping the vision come to life.

“You like it?” Harry asked once the man stepped back, “think its good for opening night?”

“I love it, you look so handsome baby.” She whispered, forcing herself up off the bench.

Y/N stood quickly, vision going blurry an before anyone could she was falling to the ground, quickly going unconscious. Harry’s heart stoped, instantly panicking after seeing her pass out. He quickly rushed towards her and scooping her up, finding a loveseat and laying her across it.

“Can somebody please get us some water?” Harry shouted, eyes welling up at the overwhelming quick turn of events, “some crackers? Anything, please!”

Random staff members rushed towards him, giving him multiple water bottles and seeing a stuff member pull a bag of crackers out of their lunchboxes. Harry thanks them profusely as he began rubbing her hair softly, whispering her name to try and coax her awake.

It was definitely the longest minute and twenty eight seconds of his life, a sigh of relief escaping him as her eyes flutter open.

“Baby” he whispered, taking her hand and softly kissing it, wanting desperately to kiss her but afraid of suffocating her, “are you okay? I’m so sorry I’ve been making you run all around... these people- their so nice they got all this stuff- fuck, I’m sorry you haven’t even eaten.”

“It’s okay.” She shook her head, sitting up and softly giving him and the employees a thank you, embarrassment coursing through her veins rapidly, “I’m sorry, I... I’m sorry I took up so much of your time.”

“Don’t be.” He kissed her forehead, taking the mini water bottle from her and giving her another along with some crackers, “lets just go home, yeah?”

“Harry, you have to get this done.” She sighed, shaking her head quickly, seeing the staff slyly watching them and she shyly lowers her voice, “I’m sorry, I feel bad. I don’t... I don’t know I just feel stupid.”

He shook his head, mirroring her before cupping her face and kissing her softly before scooping her up, setting her on her feet before quickly changing.

Y/N was apologizing to all the staff for taking their water, food and time, feeling extremely guilty at the thought of getting in the way of their day. Of course they all dismissed her, explaining that she was no bother and they hope she feels better.

****

The couple arrived home a few hours ago, Harry practically carrying her to the kitchen where he quickly gave her of all kinds of snacks, making sure to give her plenty of water. Y/N of course was still quite embarrassed, she never really liked being the center of attention and that circumstances wasn’t quite ideal.

After he forced down different snacks and water he carried her to the bedroom, along with many protests from Y/N but he insisted, leading them to where they are now. Her head on his chest, hands up around his shoulder as his rubbed her back softly.

“I’m sorry, my fault all this happened, I should be taken better care of you. Hated seeing you like that... was scary.” Harry broke the silence, kissing the top of her head, “I love you so much, so in love... I’ll take care of you.”

“It was my fault, i should’ve eaten. Or at least had some water.” She joked, forcing a laugh before she got quite, tracing patterns onto her chest, “I was just so embarrassed.” She sniffles, “Everybody was looking at me and talking about me and... I know I should care but I do.”

“It’s okay, you’re human.” He shrugged, pulling her head up softly so she would make eye contact, “nobody was making fun of you, everybody was helping. Not a single soul is going to think of you poorly, probably don’t like me because it seems like I don’t let ya eat.”

“You let me eat too much.” She giggled, pressing her lips onto her jaw a few times before meeting his lips, “thank you for always being there for me.”

“My fault it happened.”

“No it’s not.” She weakly slapped his arm, both of them giggling before she kissed him again, hands going up in his hair, deepening the kiss, “I love you, you’re my knight in shining armor.”

“And you’re my princess.”

[waywardnewcomer]

Built-in Best Friends Part Eight

A/N: So, it’s like 1am where I live and technically my hiatus has started but I wanted to leave you with one last fic. I will be back writing 1st July. Enjoy!

Summary: Y/N is broken, Tom is the only one who can fix her. But does he do more harm than good?

Warnings: descriptive depression, descriptive anxiety, descriptive panic attack, lots of sadness

Pairings: Reader x Tom Padalecki, Tom x OC, Reader x OC, Jensen x Daughter!Reader, Danneel x Daughter!Reader

Word Count: 1.9k

Previous Part Series Masterpost Masterlist

You hadn’t left your room since that night almost 3 weeks ago. Your parents had been collecting your work, but you hadn’t done any of it. You barely had enough energy to get out of bed on a morning and it was an achievement if you ate that day. You had slipped back into a deep hole and you could barely get a moment to breathe let alone dig yourself out. You tried baby steps, a shower one day, looking at your work the next, joining your family for a meal a couple days later and you were getting there, but it was a hard journey. Your heart had been broken by the most important person to you in the world, and more importantly he had physically hurt you.

You looked in the mirror at your dull face, void of any life and hair greasy and messy as it hadn’t been washed in days. You placed your fingers over the skin which used to be black and blue and now a faded yellow colour and eyed your window out of the corner of your eye. Your Dad had been so pissed when he saw the bruise, he almost stormed next door to punch Tom himself. Your Mom had to restrain him while you cried into JJ’s arms. You had barely spoken to any of them since.

Every day you heard your Mom come check on you in the morning, kissing you on the head softly as you pretended to sleep. At lunch time one of your parents brought some food and left it on your desk, pleading for you eat, giving you a hug and leaving you to it. Around 4pm Arrow and Zep climbed into your bed and cuddled up to you, making you watch a movie until dinner time. Dinner time was spent with JJ watching your every move from the chair in the corner of your room. At night your Dad laid in bed with you, rubbing circles on your back as you cried for the umpteenth time that day and played with your hair, just holding you to his chest and pleading for you to feel better. You knew they were worried, you worried yourself, but you couldn’t bring yourself to reassure them. How can you tell them you’ll be fine when you didn’t even know that yourself? Everyday was a mystery and you had never felt so low in your life.

You knew Tom had been trying to come see you. You heard the shouting and hushed whispering from down the stairs, JJ telling you about the letters and presents he had left for you to say sorry. A couple times he had tried knocking on your window until your Dad boarded it up with cardboard whenever he was home. You and Tom had never argued this bad. You had spats here and there but never a big blow out. It was the longest you had not spoken to him.

As bad as it sounded you knew the only thing that would bring you out of this funk was him. He could always ground you. That’s why you didn’t surprise yourself when you took down the cardboard on the window, put the window on the latch and knocked on the wall. You needed your best friend no matter what he had done to you. He was your lifeline.

Tom crawled through your window with a lot of hesitation, just looking at you with a very sorrowful and questioning glance as you looked at him from your bed, tears already accumulating in your eyes.

“Hi,” He whispered, finally coming into the threshold and standing opposite you.

“Tom,” You breathed, tears already running down your face and he rushed to your side just like old times and just held you in his chest as you let it out.

You could hear him join in crying with you and whispering ‘I’m sorry’ over and over. You took comfort in his warm chest, his heartbeat bringing your brain back to a level of reality you had been unable to reach. You slowly felt yourself crawling your way back to the surface, just from seeing his face again. You pulled away and put some distance between you and avoided looking him in the eyes. 

“Y/N look at me.”

“I want to be able to look at you and not feel so hurt by you but I can’t forgive you yet Tom, you hurt me in more ways than one.” You whispered, voice cracking slightly with emotion.

“I know, and I swear I will make it up to you. I’m so sorry Peach. I never wanted to hurt you.” He smiled sadly at you and rubbed your arm. He grabbed your hand and rubbed circles on the back of your hand softy, calming your hitching breath and slowing your tears.

“I just needed you to bring me back, I was slipping too far,” You mumbled guiltily. “I’m sorry.”

“You never have to be sorry for that. I will always be here for you, no matter if you decide to not forgive me or you do. I love you Peach. I care about you. I want to look after you.” He spoke earnestly looking into your eyes making you nod tearfully.

“I know and I love you for it Tommy, I just need to heal a little.”

“I know. I don’t expect forgiveness that easily, I haven’t even forgiven myself yet. I don’t think my parents have either. Take all the time you need, and I’ll be here waiting.” He spoke softly making you smile a little for the first time in weeks. “Does this mean you’ll come back to school?”

“Yes, but please keep your distance. Just for a little while.” You pleaded making him nod sadly.

“If that’s what you want,” He sniffed, trying not to start crying again. “I better go.”

You nodded and gave him a quick hug, pulling your hand away from his and watching as he crawled back out of your window. Your chest finally had the weights lifted off it and you felt a thousand times lighter.

That night was the first night you didn’t cry yourself to sleep. You and your Dad had a conversation about your futures, and you felt at peace. You had even eaten breakfast with your family the next morning and allowed your Mom to drive you to school. She promised she would pick you up if it felt too much which you were thankful for, but you were determined to get back to normal.

You were met by Penny and Lily waiting for you at the gates. Zach and Josh were lingering behind a little, knowing you may need space but ready to step in at any moment. You gave them both a quick hug and word of thanks for asking about you throughout your time off and immediately felt more at ease around your friends. You gave Josh a little side glance and nodded to the girls. They took Zach across the campus while Josh edged towards you.

“I’m sorry.” He spoke immediately. “If I knew you didn’t like it, I would’ve stopped. I didn’t want to fight with Tom, I know he’s your best friend. I’ve missed you Y/N. Fuck, I can barely explain the hell these few weeks have felt without seeing your face, but I know I deserve it. I will do anything for your forgiveness.”

“Josh.” You chuckled at his fast paced voice hitching with his breathing. “I forgive you. You didn’t do anything wrong I just needed some space.”

“Thank god.” He whispered going to kiss you, but you turned your head causing him to kiss your cheek. The look he gave you saddened your soul, but you knew it wasn’t fair to keep leading him on. You saw Tom with Sasha out the corner of your eye and saw his hurt look but couldn’t bring yourself to maintain eye contact.

“I can’t be with you. I’m in love with Tom. I thought I could get over it, but I can’t. I like you. I really do. But you’re not him, you know?” You spoke making him nod with understanding, the kicked puppy look not leaving his face.

“Friends?”

“Always.” You smiled and pulled him in for a hug tightly, kissing his cheek softly. You felt multiple arms wrap around the two of you and laughed as you were engulfed in a group hug.

“There’s a school talent show this lunch Y/N please come! It will be fun, a lot of crappy singers and rubbish comedians for us to laugh at.” Zach smiled nudging you slightly as you had pulled away from the huddle.

“How can I resist that?” You laughed softly giving him a side hug and allowing him to wrap his arm around your waist as you walked to class. You couldn’t be gladder you had found friends like these.

When lunch rolled around you couldn’t shake this odd feeling in the pit of your stomach. It was like a precursor to a panic attack which you really did not want to happen in front of the whole school. You persuaded your friends to let you sit on the end of the row for easy leaving access and tried to calm down, seeing Sasha a few rows ahead keep giving you dirty looks. What the hell was her problem?

After a couple of crappy singers and a surprisingly funny comedian you started to relax a little, the feeling never really leaving but you forced it back down to the deepest pit. Until you heard Tom’s name over the announcer. You knew he could sing but never thought he would do it in front of the school, it wasn’t his style.

“I want to dedicate this song to the only one I’ll ever love, my person. This is before you go.”

As he started strumming his guitar and noticed him lock eye contact with you, you felt your friends eyes all immediately turn to you. Surely, he was looking at Sasha a couple rows ahead of you, but she turned to give you a sneer, so it seemed unlikely. But surely, he couldn’t be talking about you, could he?

“When you hurt under the surface, like troubled water running cold. Well, time can heal, but this won't,”

You felt your eyes prickle with tears, your breath hitch in your throat as it started to dry out and close. You looked at him, looking at you and tilted your head softly, barely flinching when Penny gripped your had from beside you.

“Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting? It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless.”

He gave you a sad smiled from the stage as he sang the song making your body clench up and your grip onto Penny’s hand suddenly tightened as your hands went clammy.

“Our every moment, I start to replay, but all I can think about is seeing that look on your face.”

You looked down as the tears started to fall, the world beginning to feel as if it was swimming around you. You were losing touch with reality and you knew you were only seconds from starting to hyperventilate with a full blown panic attack.

“Would we be better off by now if I'd have let my walls come down? Maybe, I guess we'll never know, you know, you know.”

You could barely hear the lyrics anymore as the feeling of your heartbeat and breathing filled your ears like a drum. You let the tears flow freely and your grip slackened on Penny’s hand as your vision slipped away from you, making your path a blurry mess. You barely trusted your legs as you hurtled yourself out of that hall but all you could think was that you had to leave. You needed to get out of there.

Next Part

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[niall-is-my-dream]

Songbird - Part Three

“When Erin decides to perform one of her favourite songs at a bar, she didn’t expect one of the singers, Niall Horan, to be in the audience. What started as an appreciation for her cover quickly turns into more than either bargained for.”

(Previously known as Fools Gold, this fic has been edited, reworked and finally finished!)

Thanks to @angryniall for being an amazing beta!

As always let me know what you think.

Em x

Catch up below

https://niall-is-my-dream.tumblr.com/post/184528124078/songbird-masterlist

3475words

Erin's POV

You arrived back at yours late on the 27th, you unpacked and got yourself sorted for the next day. With a 7am start and Niall coming over after work, you wanted to make sure everything in your flat was perfect.

You were a bit of a neat freak and didn't really have lots of clutter. Apart from a ridiculously sized book collection that adorned your book shelves. But it was a bright and airy flat in a good area. Decorated in warm colours; it had become your sanctuary. Your flat was small but perfect. You entered through the front door, which had three rooms off of it: a bathroom, bedroom and a lounge/kitchen/diner. It had taken every penny of your savings to get this place, and it was only because you had become more senior in your profession in the last few years that you were able to afford the mortgage on your own. Plus you worked in a private hospital, so the pay was a bit better than working for the NHS.

Work seemed to drag the next day and you were relieved to leave on time at 4pm. Taking the tube home you made it in the door by 4:45, Niall was due at your by 5:30. He'd offered to pick you up, but you'd declined as you wanted to take a shower before he came over. You had messaged him your address and told him where to park before agreeing a time.

You changed into some blue jeans and a white fitted t shirt before putting your hair up in a loose bun. He arrived 5:20 just as you were beginning to panic.

You were so nervous.

The previous two times you'd met him you'd had alcohol in your system for courage. Now you hadn't, and he was at your door.

Would he hug you?

Kiss you?

This wasn't a situation you had found yourself in before.

You decided then, that you were just going to go with the flow and enjoy whatever the hell this thing with Niall was. That calmed you down and you opened the door.

He stood there in a big grey jacket, dark jeans with a scarf hanging loose around his neck. You found him holding a leather over night bag, the chinese takeaway and he had his guitar hooked on his shoulder in its protective case.

He looked gorgeous.

Your stomach flipped with the thought not finally being able to get close to him.

"Hi." You smiled.

"Hi." He smiled back.

"Can I take something for you?" You asked, as he stepped into your flat.

He smelt gorgeous too.

You held in a low moan, passing it off as a cough.

"No I got it, I'll just pop this bag down here." He said putting his bag down in the direction of your bedroom.

He smiled as he did it.

You quickly turned around and walked into the lounge/kitchen, trying to hide the excitement of him being here. He followed behind you and placed the food on the kitchen side leaning his guitar against the sofa.

He looked at ease in your small flat as he shrugged off his coat and scarf hanging it on a hook in the hall, leaving his boots next to yours by the door.

"This place is really nice Erin."

"Thanks, it's been great to finally call something my own."

He nodded in reply, and then there was silence.

"Do you want a beer or wine?" You asked, your head in the fridge.

"A beer please and maybe a kiss if you want one?" He chuckled nervously behind you.

"I think I can manage both of those!" You replied laughing too.

You took the wine and beer out the fridge, but didn't pour it. Instead you stood against the counter and nervously bit your lip as Niall walked over to you.

"Haven't stopped thinking about that night, about that kiss." He said nervously looking at the floor. His hands were on your hips and as he lifted his head up to look at you.

You completely melted.

His beautiful soft blue eyes were gazing at you. No words would come out of your mouth, so you leaned in and kissed his lips. They were just as soft as you remember, your hands couldn't wait to run across his soft dark hair. He obviously liked that, as he moaned into your mouth and gripped your hips tighter before moving his hands around your back, gently running his fingers up and down.

Then your stomach grumbled, and he pulled away. "You hungry petal?" He laughed.

"I've only eaten an Apple and a nutrigrain bar all day. I'm starving. I'm sorry!" You laughed.

"Best get my girl some food then." He said as he kissed you softly again.

My girl??!!

Oh my God this boy was cute.

Niall placed the mats that were sitting on the dining table along it, and started to unpack the food whilst you grabbed the plates and cutlery.

"I got a few different dishes and some appetizers if that's ok?"

"That's perfect, thanks." You replied as you got the drinks from the kitchen. Your stomach growled again, the food smelt so good.

Both of you wasted no time in tucking into the food. You chatted easily about your day and what you'd been up to over Christmas. There was a moment when you realised how completely comfortable you felt with him. No awkward silences, just easy conversation.

After you'd cleared away the dishes and cleaned up you both went to sit down. It had been a long day and you were pleased when you sat down on the sofa, he sat right by you wrapping his arm around your shoulders. His other hand reached around and tucked your legs across his and you snuggled up to him, resting your head in the crook of his neck. You breathed him in and placed a kiss across his jaw. He looked down at you and smiled.

"I'm pleased we are finally alone together, and in person!" He said smiling.

"Mmmmm, me too." You replied cuddling up to him, his big strong arms wrapped around you.

"As good as texting and face time is, there's nothing better than this." He whispered as he kissed the top of your head.

You turned your head up towards him, lifting your hand up to stroke his face. He leaned forwards and kissed you gently as you wrapped your hand around his neck and stroked the nape of his neck. His hand found your bum, and he gave it a squeeze before deepening the kiss causing you to moan against his mouth. He pulled away and nudged at your nose.

"Love kissing you." He whispered.

"Love kissing you too." You replied, as you pulled him back down towards your lips.

He pushed you back down on the sofa as he laid down beside you, never breaking the kiss. He hitched your leg across his hip, stroking his hand up your thigh squeezing your bum, pulling you closer to him.

The evening was spent listening to music, drinking and laying on the sofa together making out like teenagers. Hands wandering over clothes but never under. You were nervous to make the first move, to instigate anything more, but you needed him right now. His erection pressing against you meant you knew he needed you too.

You slipped your hand up his t shirt and ran your fingers through his chest hair, you heard his breath hitch slightly and his stomach tense as you ran your fingers down his chest and stopped just above his waist band. You undid his belt and popped open his buttons in seconds. He pulled away from the kiss and stared at you.

Shit.

You couldn't read his expression, did he want this?

He smiled as he leaned in against your neck. "Are you sure you want to take this further?" He asked leaving kisses along your neck and across your cheek before facing you again.

"Um...... I mean yeah, if you want to? It's ok if you don't." You mumbled, your eyes not meeting his gaze.

"I can't even begin to tell you how much I want you right now?" He whispered in your ear.

A smile spread across your face. "Lets go to my bedroom then." You replied.

************

Niall didn't go home the next day.

Instead you spent the day lounging around your flat half naked. You played music, showered together, watched tv and had sex twice more. You literally couldn't get enough of him.

It was an amazing day.

He stayed the night again and drove you to work the next day. He pulled up into the drop off bay at the hospital and turned off the engine.

"I've had an amazing few days with you." He said. "I don't want it to end. Can I see you tonight?"

"I don't want it to end either." You said looking at your hands. "I finish at 6 so am free after that." You suddenly felt nervous.

"I'll be here at 6 then."

"You don't have to pick me up." You said meeting his gaze.

"I want to." He replied as he leaned in and kissed you. Your hands wrapping around his neck stroking over his soft dark hair.

"I'll see you at 6 then." You said smiling against his lips.

You got out the car and watched him pull away.

That's when you spotted Kathy.

"Oh my God!" She said "Was that Niall Horan?!"

Fuck!

Kathy had seen you.

"Um, Niall who?"

"Oh come on, that was Niall Horan. I recognised him. What's going on?" She questioned.

"Um, we've been chatting to each other." You said as you walked in the door.

"That's more than chatting. It's 8:30am!"

"Sssshhhhhh, keep it down. Ok. So I might be seeing him or something..............I'm not sure what it is, but seriously Kathy it's really important you don't tell anyone. I can't deal with fans hounding me about him."

"Erin of course, your secret is safe with me, I'm just shocked." She whispered as you walked along the corridor. "How the hell did this happen?"

"We swapped numbers the night I sung at the courtyard and just started texting a few days after."

"Did he know you were at that bar with us when him and his friends were there, is that why you weren't shocked to see him?"

"Well, I told him where I was going as we were just chatting about our plans over text, but I didn't know he'd be there."

"He's a cheeky shit isn't he?" She laughed as we reached the staff room.

"You have no idea!" You laughed back. "But please don't say anything."

"I promise I won't."

You trusted Kathy, she might have been bubbly and outspoken, but she was an older sister figure to you and she knew how to keep a secret, unlike Michelle. She had been your housemate up until recently and nothing you said stayed secret. She'd proved that when she blabbed to Donna, a mutual friend and co worker of yours about you and Niall meeting after your set at The Courtyard.

You weren't exactly a shy person, but you liked to keep your private life just that: private. You weren't one to discuss who you had slept with or dated and although Michelle was always gloating about how good her latest conquest was in bed. It just wasn't your style.

Kathy didn't question you anymore on Niall. You think she could sense that it wasn't a topic you wanted to discuss, and you appreciated it. You arrived on shift to find that it was busy and you knew then that the day wouldn't drag by.

You spotted Niall's car straight away as you walked out of the hospital. He was parked up in the same spot that he had dropped you off that morning. You were nervous, with butterflies in your tummy at the prospect of spending time with him again. The last 48 hours with him had been great. He was attentive, caring, cuddly and great company. You'd chatted easily and waking up with him these past two morning had been amazing.

Oh and when he kissed you.....

There are no words.

He was tapping away on his phone when you opened the car door and got in.

"Hi." You said.

"Hi." He replied smiling back, placing his phone in the centre console and leaning over to kiss you.

You leaned in to meet him half way, your hand cupping his face, breathing him in.

"How was your day?" You asked, pulling away from him.

"It was boring, I sorted out my laundry." He laughed. "You?"

"Busy, helped deliver 3 babies today. So, um, are you still wanting to hang out tonight or have you got other plans?"

"Well not to make presumptions, but I packed an over night bag and went to Tesco and brought some food to cook you dinner. But if you have other plans........"

"No I'm not busy. I'm actually free for the next couple of days as I've got some time off. So you know if you want to cook me dinner and spend the night I won't complain." You giggled nervously.

He looked across at you, laughing nervously to, before reaching over and pulling you towards him to kiss you again.

"Come on, lets go." He said as he pulled away and then started the engine.

The journey to yours by car was quick and you soon pulled up outside your flat. You got out of the car, pulling your coat tighter around you, shielding you from the cold, before helping Niall with the bags.

"Jeez, what did you buy in Tesco?" You asked spying the 5 huge bags of shopping.

"Well, I know you hadn't done much of a shop since you'd been away over Christmas and working a lot, so I got us some stuff."

"Niall, that's so sweet but you really didn't need to do that, I've just been busy, I could've gone tomorrow on my day off."

"It's no trouble, and I'd prefer to stay in all day tomorrow and be naked with you, so this way it doesn't stop those plans." He said with a smirk.

"You're such a cheeky shit."

"Thought I was sweet?"

"You're both." You said, sneaking a glance around before kissing him.

Both of you managed to bring in all the shopping, Niall's guitar and his overnight stuff in one journey. He took his bag to your room, appearing a few minutes later in comfy joggers and thick socks.

He looked warm and cosy and totally at home in your flat. You liked it a lot.

Your phone bleeped as you were unpacking the shopping and you glanced down at it.

Michelle.

"Hey, you free tonight for the pub? Or maybe a wine night in?"

You sighed.

"What's up?" Niall asked as he came up behind you pulling your back close to his chest and placing a kiss on your shoulder.

"Just Michelle asking about going out. Since I moved out, I've been distancing myself from her."

"Why have you been doing that?" He asked, as he snuggled into your neck.

"She's just too much. Like that night we met, she just went on and on about Andrew, our mutual friend that she fancies. He knows by the way, but is totally not interested. She's a good laugh, but not at all trustworthy and kinda slutty."

"That why you moved out?"

"Yeah, she nagged at me constantly about not going out with her every weekend, but with work and using all my spare money to save for this place I didn't go. Apparently I was boring."

"You're definitely not boring." He whispered as he gently kissed your neck.

You text her back that you were busy and you'd catch up soon.

"Oh and Kathy, you know the woman from the bar, the one you sat next to. She saw us this morning kissing in the car."

"Oh." He said turning you around to face him. "What did she say?"

"Just asked me if we were seeing each other. I said we were just spending time together and she promised not to tell a soul. She won't either."

You could see his mind ticking over. "What?" You asked.

"Nothing, just mulling things over." He said smiling. "You go shower and I'll start dinner."

You didn't push him any further, but gave him a kiss and headed to your room.

When you came back into the kitchen, he'd finished unpacking the shopping and was chopping up vegetables for a stir fry.

"Hey, you like stir frys right?" He asked.

"I do, yeah."

"Cool, hey let me get you some wine." He said as he stopped what he was doing and opened the fridge. You gave him a cheeky smirk as he handed the glass to you.

"What?"

"Very multi talented aren't you? Number one album, great cook........."

"Good kisser?" He added as he went back to making dinner, a smirk on his face.

"Well, I was thinking good in bed but whatever!" You replied laughing.

"I'll take that." He laughed back.

He looked gorgeous standing there in your kitchen, humming away to the music that he'd put on. You couldn't help it but go over and run your fingers across his shoulders before moving down his back and across his waist.

He turned and smiled at you.

"You miss me today?" He asked.

"Mmmmmm a bit. I suppose."

"Only a bit, well I missed you loads." He said giving you a quick kiss. "Now, stop distracting me!"

You laid the table while he cooked, chatting about your day. He seemed genuinely interested in your job. Something was bothering him though. He made a few glances across the table at you whilst you were eating dinner a bit later on.

"You want to tell me what you're thinking Niall?" You asked him.

"Just thinking, this is nice."

"Nice?" You replied laughing. "How so?"

"Just ........ it's nice how easy it is with you."

"Easy?" You question, your eyebrows raised.

"You know what I mean! I've never met anyone like you before. I like spending time with you, doing normal things."

"I like spending time with you too." You replied smiling.

"Do you have any plans for tomorrow, since it's New Years Eve?" He asked.

"My brother and his wife have invited me to their local pub actually, not far from here. What about you?"

"Hadn't actually got anything planned. Think Willie, my cousin has invited a few people over to ours though."

"Thought you'd be out partying."

"No, I've been so busy touring I'm actually pretty tired. Just wanted to keep things chilled over Christmas and New Year."

"Yeah, it has been busy for you."

"Do you......." You both say at the same time and then start laughing.

"You go." You say.

"No, you first." He replied.

"I was just going to ask if you maybe want to spend tomorrow night together? Or is that too much? I mean, I know we are just spending time together and that this isn't anything serious for you, but you know it might be nice to ring in the new year together."

"Why do you think this isn't anything serious? I mean I like you and I think you like me. Is this just a Christmas fling or something for you?"

Shit, this wasn't how this conversation was suppose to be go.

"God no............ I just didn't want to get my hopes up that you might want to start something with me." You blurted out.

"Think we've already started something Erin." He said smiling. "I told you this morning that I was having a great time with you and I didn't want this to end. I don't normally do this, you know sleep with someone so soon, and I definitely haven't stayed shut up in someone's flat for 36 hours with them like we did the last few days."

You blushed and looked down at your now empty plate. "I want us to keep seeing each other."

"I want us to keep seeing each other too." He replied catching your gaze.

You spent the rest of the evening talking and kissing, it was just past 11 when you started to yawn.

"Come on sweetheart, let's get you to bed. You've had a long busy day."

"I'm ok, I'm not tired."

"Yeah you are! Come on lets get some sleep so we can spend tomorrow doing naked things." He smirked.

You both turned out lights in the room before heading to your bedroom. You changed into your comfy pjs and slid under the covers cuddling up into his chest.

"Night." He whispered.

"Mmmm night." You whispered back before kissing his chest.

Thanks for reading!

Tag @awomanindeniall

Let me know if you'd like to be part of the tag list.

[nothing-but-kpop-dreams]

V Drabble: Just Friends (request) (1/?)

Request: Can I get a request on being Taehyung’s best friend who isn’t girly at all but likes to watch boxing and other rough stuff and she somewhat asks him out on a date but he ends up going out with another person and stands her up....

Author’s note: ... Ok... I really loved writing this and well... I know this wasn’t part of the request BUT I AM GOING TO TURN THIS INTO LIKE A SERIES. Well idk a series, but i am for sure going to add a part or two to this. *but this first part completely fulfills the request*

Genre: Angst

Word Count: 3806

ALL PARTS

It was the usual Friday night and the two of you were kicking off the weekend with the traditional and infamous movie night. You and your best friend, Taehyung, were sitting in a sea of snack wrappers, partially engulfed in the current fight scene from the movie Kickass. The movie was Taehyung’s choice. Being that you demanded the genre of the night be action, the film still had his choice of comedy. So of course he was the one that wouldn't take his eyes off the screen while you couldn’t care less about it and just stole glances at him the whole time.

You and Taehyung had been best friends since high school. It all started when this asshole was making fun of you for wearing a guy’s t-shirt to school. That’s when Taehyung stepped in. He had just so happened to be wearing the exact same t-shirt and used that detail to “explain” that you were both wearing it as part of a couple thing. You had a secret crush on him ever since.

Fast forward almost a decade and here you were with your head rested on his shoulder, but only platonically. For the most part, you were never the nervous or timid type. You weren’t scared to tell people how you felt about them, be it good or bad, but when it came to your one and only Taetae, you were a ball of nerves. Yes, you wanted to tell him how you actually felt about him, but you just couldn’t get yourself to ever do it. It was all because you knew you weren’t his type. Tae liked girly girls, the exact opposite of what you were. You were the rough and tumble type. You kept your hair shorter, barely wore make up, only wore a dress for important occasions, mostly wore what was actually comfortable, played video games, didn't mind getting your hands dirty, never did your nails, you know, the tomboy type. While Tae on the other hand always had crushes on girls who had nice long hair, loved pink, spent all their time and money shopping for clothes, had a face caked with makeup, wore stupid heels and short skirts and tight clothes, were never outside, had long witch nails, and practically showered in expensive perfume and all the other stuff you didn't care too much for.

On top of all that, you never wanted to risk ruining your friendship with him. The two of you had been through so much together. Four years of high school and almost four years of college filled with weekends at each other’s homes, all nighters, video games and deep conversations about stupid relationship drama and you were as tight as friends as you could ever be. You just never wanted to lose someone that meant so much to you.

However as the little girl in the movie, the one with a purple wig, jump kicked some six foot dude, you just had some type of awakening. The two of you were adults now. Feelings like yours wouldn't just come between the two of you especially after years of friendship. Tae wasn't they type of guy to turn his back on you because he has never done it in the past even when you both fought. And so what if you were not his type? The girls he has dated that were “his type” never lasted more than a few months.

With this sudden burst of motivation, you knew it was now or never. You looked up at Tae. A smile grew on his face as the movie came to an end. Just as you were about to open your mouth and reveal the feelings that you had bottled up inside for 8 years, he leaned forward and grabbed the remote… letting your head slide off and pretty much letting the rest of you fall behind him.

“What do you want to see next?” he asked as he looked through the screen for another action movie.

You sat up, fixing your hair and hogging up the blanket that had been covering the two of you. Now that it was the moment of truth, anxiety filled your body and you didn't know how to orient yourself anymore.”....Tae…. Can I talk to you for a second…”

“Yeah, what about?” he asked, not really look at you but instead keeping his eyes focused on looking for another movie.

“Uh… I- uh, - i just like...hm- it’s just-” you couldn't get the words out. you were actually choking. This is what you got for never having a plan. 

Tae let out a chuckle. “ You choking on some popcorn or what? Do I gotta go back there and save you?”

“No! It’s just -uh! I just really have to say something but i can't get the right words!” you grunted

With his back still at you he laughed some more “Then just say it!”

“It's just… It’s just that i- I- “

“I- I- i- du- duh- duh-, blah blah.” he mimicked. “Your talking like a baby~!” he turned back at you and pinched your cheeks “C’mon little y/n what do you want to say~” he cooed mockingly

Immediately you slapped his hand away “That i like you!” you blurted in frustration.

His face fell into an expression of shock and confused “What?”

He was the only one in the room, but it felt like you had a million eyes on you. Your stomach was doing flips and the blanket felt like fire. You didn't know you could feel this anxious around him.

 “... I like you.” you repeated shyly.

“You like me?”

“... Yeah, like in the more than a friend way.” you specified

“...Oh.” was his only response.

That was when the cliche movie moment of the “ugly feeling in your gut” presented itself. You felt all types of sick. You wanted to throw up the snacks you stuffed your face with an hour ago. The longer he went without saying anything, the more sick you felt. You were so worked up even your eyes were being attacked. With every passing second, your vision was more and more blurry with nervous tears filling your eyes.

He stared back at you intensely, almost panicked. “...Y/n… I don’t know if I like you like that” he said in a hush

That’s it. It was done. Rejection. Actual rejection. “Oh.” was all you could get out but even with such a simple sound your voice cracked.

“But!” he continued. “I never really, like, thought about us in that way, you get me?”

 You were doing your best to keep the stupid tears from falling. “Um, no.” you only mumbled at him.

“It’s just like, I’ve only ever seen us as friends, and I like never even thought about us like being more than that.” Those words stung a bit. “So because of that, I like, I just don't know if I like you that way back, since I just never thought of it.” even he seemed as confused as you were about what he had just said.

“So… Are you saying that, um, now that you know, that you’ll think about it now?”

“Uh, yeah! Sure that.”

“...Cool… So uh, would you want to go on a date then?”

 “Date?!?”

“Yeah. Like you said, you haven't seen me in that way, so let’s go on a date and see if maybe you can.... It can be a trial date!”

“Um, yeah… yeah we can do that.” he mumbled softly.

“Really?” suddenly you felt on top of the world. “Do you want to go on Sunday? Instead of video games, we can go out to eat or something? How about olive garden? You know cuz it is like kinda fast food but also like wannabe fancy, plus endless breadsticks!”

“Um, yeah, sounds like a plan.” he said as his eyes shifted to his phone. “Oh look at the time. It’s getting kinda late.” he yawned. “I should go back to the dorm already.” he said getting up from the couch.

“Oh, but it’s only 10.”  you pointed out grabbing for your own screen.

“Yeah, but remember that new curfew I told you about. Plus my mom is in town and she wants to meet up for breakfast tomorrow. We both know how early she wakes up.”

“Oh well, okay.” you stood up alongside him and followed him to the door. “So when exactly did you want to go? Is 7 a good time?”

“Yeah that's fine.”  he mumbled as he slid his shoes on.

“Okay!” you smiled. “I can't wait!”

“Yeah… uh, see you Sunday.”  he said, grabbing the door knob and walking out so fast he forgot to give you the usual hug bye. But you didn’t care, you were so happy to actually have a date with him.

--------------

That entire day of Saturday all you could think about was the date. And when that day came and went, it was finally Sunday. It was now 4pm and you were standing in front of your closet in just your underwear debating on what to wear. 

You wanted to impress Tae, show him a different side of you, one that could be girly just for him. However, you didn't exactly have the right wardrobe to do that and being the broke college student you were, you didn’t have the finances either. There was just three hours before you had to meet him and you weren't even close to ready so you were definitely in a dramatic panic. You rummaged through every article of clothing in attempts to find something decent enough to be considered feminine in his eyes. 

After what felt like days, all you really found was a bright yellow sunflower dress your mom bought you and had forced you to wear to an Easter party like a month ago. You didn’t have many options when it came to shoes. You kind of just liked wearing the same pair of converse every day. The only other pair of shoes you had were some white flats that you used for a job interview… those were good enough. When it came to accessories you were plain and simple, going for the gold heart pendant necklace your friend, Lisa, gave you for your birthday.Hair and make up was another story. Those were never your strong suit, so this is where all your time was eaten up. You fought your hair, doing your best to blow dry and straighten and then curl to try and give it the “natural wave” look. Thankfully your hard work was rewarded with a cute enough hairdo. And thanks to the access to internet, you spent an hour and a half trying to keep up with a ten minute makeup tutorial, but hey anything for Tae.

The bus ride to the olive garden was blur. All you could think about was how the date would go. You couldn't help but daydream about the fun you guys were going to have. You pictured starting off the date with the two of you eating until you were too full to move and then making your way to your favorite arcade to finally try and get enough tickets for the giant stuffed panda you’ve had your eyes on for almost a year. 

Before you knew it you were at your stop and standing in front of the olive garden.After waiting just a minute you already kept looking around for Tae. 

“Where is he?” you thought as you looked at each passing face

You had gotten there are at around 6:50, now that it was 7, the adrenaline running through you was through the roof, however Tae was nowhere in sight. “Aish, this boy. He can't be on time to save his life.” you laughed to yourself as you continued to wait for him.

After another ten minutes, the stares of the other pedestrians was beginning to annoy you, plus your feet were hurting from standing too long. You decided to go inside and get a table for the two of you. “He should be here any minute anyway.” you thought.

Inside, the kind hostess complimented your dress and led you to a table at the center of the restaurant. She tried to take your order but you let her know that you were waiting for someone.

“Oh ok.’ she smiled. “Did you want me to put the table under your name so they can just say “table for well your name” and I can bring them over?”

“Yeah! Table for y/n. Thank you.”

“Great! I’ll be back later on then, miss y/n.”That’s when you grabbed your phone to text Tae. *Hey. I’m already inside. Just tell them Table for y/n so they can take you to the right one*

You sat patiently with your water, waiting for a reply while the tables around you were filled with more and more people. Still you kept an eye out, but any one that passed by was never him. It wasn't till around 7:30 that you were starting to get a bit worried. 

You decided to text him again *Hey. Is everything okay? Why aren't you here yet? Text me back please*

You waited and waited and waited and it was almost 8, but you didn't hear back from him at all.  That’s when you decided to call him. You went over by the restrooms. You called, but it only rung until it got to his voicemail.In denial, you sat back at your table to just wait some more. 

“Hi again miss y/n.” suddenly the hostess’ voice appeared next to you.

Immediately you looked up, hoping Tae would be besides her. But when you did, she was standing alone. 

There was a look of pity on her face and you knew how bad you looked right now. “I don’t know if your um, friend? was still going to make it, but I was curious if you wanted to make your order already?” the pity was all the more obvious by her tone of voice.

You stared at her for a moment, debating whether you should just walk out now, but she was so nice. If you walked out now the other customers might think she was being rude to you or something of the sort, or she might get in trouble for letting a potential customer leave. 

You swallowed the lump forming in your throat. “Um, they just let me know they couldn't make it after all, but I’m starving, can I get a plate of chicken alfredo?”

“Gladly!”

So you continued to sit around and eat all by yourself like an idiot. You got all dressed up for nothing, made your way across town for nothing, waited around for an hour for nothing.

Yes, you were extremely upset, but you were sad more than anything. The one thing that kept you from bursting into tears was the fact that Tae wouldn’t just ditch you for no reason.

“Something probably came up.” you thought as you dragged yourself out of the place after your sad meal. “His parents are around for the weekend, so maybe they didn't let him leave so they could be with him more?”

You continued to drag your feet as you walked through downtown. The last thing you wanted to do was go home and be alone with your thoughts. The lights of the city were a good enough distraction.Being girly really isn't your thing. The back of your flats were digging into the back of your heels. You could already feel your skin getting tender with every step, but you didn't care. Neither did you care for the staring pedestrians who were very much distracted by your outfit. Yes, you were very out of place with what you wore. Your bright yellow dress really clashed with the pink and red neon signs that surrounded you. Plus, everyone else was wearing club clothes while you looked like you were going to a church party. But just like with your flats, you didn't care. 

You just walked and walked and walked.You passed some pretty interesting places on your walk. You kept down a mental list of some that you would like to go to when you had the time and money. There were alot of clubs and tattoo parlors and psychic reading places, a ton of restaurants and food carts and some cute little stores. 

Despite the countless distractions, the universe just seemed to hate you. Couple after lovey dovey couple passed you. They all were holding hands and hugging or make out obnoxiously against the wall.  When you were passing the theater, it was like walking past a high school. Couples lined the walls cuddling or making out.

One couple in particular caught your attention. It was a tall dude and his girl. From just seeing his back, the guy’s physique was a lot like Tae’s, he even dressed the same as him too. He was just looking down at his date or girlfriend or whatever she was. She had just the tightest pink dress and despite her four inch heels she was still way shorter than him. She had long flowy brown hair. Her makeup was perfect, not too much but just the right amount. Her body was curvy and toned. She was everything you wanted to be for Tae. 

Yes you were being a creep just staring at this couple from a few feet away, but you kept on staring until they inevitably started kissing.  It didn't last too long though. They soon interlocked hands and turned to make their way in the direction you had been coming from. 

When you saw the guys’ face, that same ugly feeling came back to you. That “random” dude was really your “best friend”. Your Taetae was holding hands with and making out with some girl (who he never even brought up before) when he was supposed to be with you. You almost couldn't believe it. It didn't feel real. Your best friend wouldn’t do this to you. He wasn't the type of person to only bail but he would never in a million years not tell you about having someone in his life. He always used to tell you about his crushes or the dates he went on. But when his eyes locked on you and you saw his face fall, you knew this was actually happening.

Tae’s eyes scanned you head to toe, almost like he didn't really recognize you, but as soon as it hit him, he let go of the girls hand. “Y/n?”

A fiery rage filled you and you marched your way up to him. “So this is why you didn't meet up with me?!?”

“Listen I- I can explain.” he started.His “date” only stood confused and slightly frightened.“I was waiting for you like a fucking idiot for a fucking hour!” you shouted.

 “Y/n calm down”

“No! I wasted my fucking time for you just for you to bail on me and go off with someone else.”

“Um are you his girlfriend?” the girl in the dress butted in.

“She isn't” he answered. 

His words, although the truth, stung when you heard them leave his mouth 

“Oh fuck no. I was his best friend that he was supposed to meet up for date, but he decided to come here with you.” you did your best to not bite the girl’s head off. This wasn't her fault, Tae was the one to blame. “But it seems like the two of you are having a good time so i’m just gonna go. I know when i'm not wanted.” you growled locking your eyes on the boy you thought you knew.

“Y/n, y/n wait.” you heard him call after you when you tried to make your escape.

He grabbed ahold of your shoulder and that’s when you spun back around to face him. “Don’t touch me!” you spat.

“Look i’m sorry alright!”

“You’re sorry? You think an “I’m sorry” is going to fix everything?!?”

“No but-”

“You had me waiting at a stupid ass olive garden for almost 2 hours! Do you have any idea how excited i was for you to meet up with me? Do you have any idea how hurt i feel right now? I sat all by myself in a restaurant just waiting and waiting and waiting and for nothing. The whole time i was there i could feel everyone else staring at me knowing that i got stood up. Tae you are supposed to be my friend! How could you do that to me?” now was when the water works hit. The makeup you had worked so hard on was quickly getting ruined by your stupid tears.

“I didn't mean to.” was all he could say

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?!? If you didn't mean to, you would have gone! Or you would have replied back to me that you weren’t going to go to begin with!”

“I didn't go because I don't like you back alright!.” he admitted. “I didn't want to go and get your hopes up. Y/n, we have been friends for years. I love you, but not the way you love me. I see you like my sister.”

“So why didn't you tell me that before?!?”

“Because i didn't want to hurt your feelings.”

You couldn't help but let out an ironic chuckle. You looked back at him, the image of his face completely distorted with your tears. “Well how do you think i feel now?”

Tae stayed quiet. He had nothing else to say. 

You continued to glare at him, noticing his own eyes getting watery 

“Y/n, I’m sorry.”

“Just fuck off Tae.” you huffed before you turned around and walked away.

You stampeded your way without any sense of direction. Your vision was a blur and you walked every which way to try and lose tae in the crowd. You could hear his voice trailing behind you, but you didn't stop waking till you couldn't hear him anymore.

Instead what you began to hear was “Woah is she crying?” “Why is she crying?” “Is she okay?” “Lady you okay?” From the people you accidentally bumped into. 

You couldn't handle the people anymore. All you wanted to do was go home and cry in peace, but you didn't know exactly where you were. 

When the opportunity presented itself, you ran off into an empty alley and cried your heart out.

It was around 10 at night and you were squatted behind a stinky dumpster. Heartbroken and alone, this was the highlight of your night.

But that changed when you heard a voice call out to you “Y/n?”

-Admin Boat

So school started for me so idk when i will get around to posting any of the follwoing parts to this but they will be up later on

[dailycallog-blog]

Food Log, 17th Jan

So. Today sucked. I've always been an emotional eater, and my depression is currently sky high and my sister and best friend are both in hospital. So half of my brain is saying "eat, you'll feel better" and half of my brain is saying "you're basically obese, you need to lose weight, that's what'll make you happy". Both of which are wrong. I ended up eating around 500 calories, and I burned around 750, so today wasn't a complete fail, but it did suck. I'm not going to list everything I ate because I don't know the exact stats of all of the foods I ate, but I'll give an overview.

I had around 60 calories in sugar free stuff today - soft drink, hot chocolate, lollies etc.

I had 100 calories in a Chobani Fit protein yoghurt, which I mixed around 100 calories of Super Food Mix into. I'm completely guessing the stats of the superfood mix, because it was just the dregs of what was left, mostly pepitas, dried fruit and coconut, so gosh knows what it was.

I had around 100 calories in a couple of teaspoons of potato bake. Again, a complete guess, but for the amount I had and what's actually in potato bake, 100 calories sounds like an overestimate? (Which I am ok with).

I had the tiniest slither of cheesecake. I am still upset about it. Because of its size, I'm guessing 100 calories for this too.

I also had a lolly before gym because I hadn't eaten yet for the day (it was 4pm), and I felt super lethargic. It was around 20 calories.

Exercise wise, I did one hour of weights, a boxing HIIT class and I went for an 11km walk after eating. I haven't included all of the incidental activity of the day, because I don't feel like it's worth counting. I wish I'd burned more, but I know that I'm at a deficit, so it'll have to do.

I have a PT session tomorrow morning, so I'll probably have a protein shake beforehand and hopefully that'll be it.

[sally-annesstories]

Day 14 - Mérida to Rio Lagartos, Mexico

And we’re moving

1. A 9am start today to head to Rio Lagartos from Mérida. I’m excited for this as it’s where we get to visit Las Colorada’s which I want to see. We had a vote on whether to stop via Izamal. To be honest I initially wasn’t keen but there was a bit of disappointment in the group so when it came to voting I ultimately changed mine to keep the peace. Not usually one for caving to peer pressure but I am aware there’s not much happening in Rio Lagartos aside from Las Coloradas so it was ok. It’s funny the dynamics with a bigger group etc. harder for Salvador organising people (seems that people are more likely to be chatty and then waiting for them to start being quiet). Once on the road I continued to read. Have now finished ‘still me’ and am onto ‘the subtle are of not giving a fuck’. I started it 6 months ago but got a bit over it so just picking up where I left off.

2. The stop at Izamal was well worth it! The town was so beautiful and yellow buildings everywhere you looked! Initially had a wee walking tour and then Kristin and I went wandering to explore and get food. There were wee markets in the town square with odds and ends for sale at each stand. We wanted to get something but hunger was in our way so we walked into a little alley way which had heaps of options available. To be honest everything looked so questionable. If I went into a food alley like that at home there is no way I’d stay for a meal. Everyone eating was Mexican and there were quite a few Mayans as well. Ultimately this older lady started talking to us, she was dressed so beautifully carrying her handbag and she worked at one of the stalls and we elected to eat there. I had a vege taco and Kristin and chicken and beans. The vege was all fresh tomato, lettuce, avocado. If I’m sick it’s because of this but it was 100% worth it. So damn good. Crazily it was only 12 pesos! Translates to about $1. Also got a glass of coke as there’s something special about Mexican cola! Actually that was another thing with this wee food alley and kinda everywhere in Mexico is the level of Coca-Cola advertising. The tables and chairs were all red with the logo. From there we went back to the market. Kristin picked up some art for her family and I got braided anklets. Feel I need to take advantage of this funemployed thing I have going on given I haven’t worn them in years! Then we ventured to a wee store for Cheeto puffs (or poffs, it is of course Mexico)..I’m addicted and finally an iceblock. We also did a walk up a temple before hopping on the bus to Rio Lagartos.

3. On the bus Salvador took food orders for when we arrived at Rio Lagartos. As Kristin and I had eaten we skipped lunch and went straight to the hotel. We spoke to the woman at reception about going to Las Coloradas ourselves. The internet had given mixed reviews on time of day that was best and so we thought given not much else to do there we should just give it a go. Well turns out there are no taxis in Rio Lagartos and so we thought let’s get bikes. She did look at us like we were idiots for suggesting we bike there. It would take an hour and at 32 degrees + 90% humidity she might’ve been right. Either way she sent us in the direction of hiring bikes and off we wandered. First stop we get there and 6 people are looking at us oddly as we walk round the property. A guy asks what’s up and we (Kristin...) tells him we’re after the bike hire. He said the guys on lunch but gave him a call. Rio Lagartos is like the islands, everyone is friendly and chill. Anyway bike hire man was enjoying his day and didn’t want to hire bikes today. The friendly man that called though sent us further down the road to another place that could help. We found a woman with a bike out the front and a tandem one at the back. She was happy to rent to us saying we could have two people on either bike. We (Kristin) said where we wanted to go and she screwed get face as too far and too hot. But she provided an alternative watering hole which was not so far. Approx 1km. We wanted our togs for this so said we’d come back once we had these from our bags. On the way to the hotel we went via a store for water and the guy asked our plans and he seemed happy with watering hole idea and proceeded to give directions. It’s so nice getting away from a mass of people to really experience the people and culture. Also amazing having Kristin leading all the communication. The locals everywhere have been so impressed with her and Julia. Back at the hotel and bags and everyone had arrived. We grabbed ours and popped on togs. Majority were heading on a boating excursion. Julia wanted to rest but Ed was up to coming with us. Five minutes we were all ready and headed back to the lady with the bikes.

4. Back at the bike hire the lady said 25 pesos per bike an hour. Sunset and then dinner was around 7 so we thought 3 hours would be good for a swim. It was bordering on 4pm. We hired both the single and the tandem. I think I’ve tandemed biked maybe once or twice before and bloody hell it was a balancing act to begin with. Kristin was up the front and I was behind with Ed on the solo. I was way too tall for the bike but all part of the adventure! We hit the road heading to the water front and following maps to what appeared to be the jungle. We first came across some water but it wasn’t on the map where we thought we were going so continued riding down a dirt road. Found a deserted building, potentially a church and a dead-end. We headed back to where we had been and a local was on the road who confirmed where we were was where we were meant to be. After our bike ride on the no-gear bikes we were pretty hot so we jumped it to cool off. The water was so good to be in! No idea on how clean but it was coming from the ocean so likely ok. There were so many young locals swimming. Playing tag or Marco Polo (Mexican equivalent!) and just generally playing. The swam and splashed everywhere. Was so fun. Such a relaxing way to spend the afternoon! Once we were done in the water there was a dock to chill on and continued soak up the fading sun for the next hour or so. More and more kids arrived jumping in the water , onto the dock and in again. So much chaos and happiness. Finally was time to embrace the world again and bike back to the hotel. Turns out our bike must’ve got a punctured tire on the way there. We took a look and decided if we took an easy ride it would be ok. Well that lasted for a few hundred metres and then the tubing was tangled everywhere in the rim! Between the 3 of us (Ed) we/he de-tangled the tubing and then popped it back in the tire. You could see a bunch of patches so they’d obviously seen a puncture or 10 before! The ride back was then a walk but at only a kilometre it was easy and flat. Plus we got to take advantage of the view longer. Handing in the bikes was a bit confusing. Kristin led the chat given she speaks Spanish and we were quite happy to provide some pesos because of the puncture. Anyway I couldn’t really follow the chat (sometimes I can) because Kristin was chill but the woman seemed mad. She also looked at me a lot (I think she forgot I couldn’t really understand). Anyway after 5 minutes we leave all happy as Larry. Turns out the woman was chill about the puncture. Just Mexicans show more emotions than maybe kiwis do so her tone which I took as being unhappy her just her way of expressing herself. Overall she was so friendly and lovely. For a place that’s not really on the maps of somewhere to go, I really liked Rio Lagartos a lot.

5. At 7 we had a team dinner. Not compulsory but decided to go. There’s not a whole lot of options in Rio Lagartos! Pollo a la Mexicana (onions, tomatoes, that whole jam!) was exactly my vibe. Continuing the teams of heat supressing my appetite I didn’t even eat half. Probably heat combined with the fact I had a second fizzy coke for the day. Kristin and I headed back to the hotel. She wanted an early night and I wanted 30 mins of alone time. After a while I heard noise of people hanging out downstairs. I wasn’t tired and had caught up on me (feeling human again!) so I went down. Turns out there were 3 bottles of tequila and cards on the menu. I ended up acting as sober supervisor for the games. Drinking games have different names across the world but I think as kiwis were pretty aware of this so while a mild amount of confusion existed I could name the majority in the slang from a variety of places. Also there were a few confused faces from cards so helped out there too. Cheers to uni days. I opted to stay away from the tequila as have had my fair share of late and didn’t want to feel below average in the morning. The night progressed till 12.30am before the games were over the majority of us hit the hay. Some very happy faces amongst the booze. Back in our room I was mildly awake but forced myself to get some rest. I think I’m averaging 5-6 hours a night at the moment so just going with it. Even when I’ve been in cars I right or read so no naps either. Obviously all I’m needing in this lifestyle. Planning a chill next week on the beach as well which will be good (granted nothing is booked but I’ll do it eventually).

Rio Lagartos is bloody great!

Tally:

Times I complained while biking: 3 (it was not a flash bike)

Kids swimming in the inlet: 14

Friendly locals who helped us or had a chat: 7

Izamal / alley where we at lunch / Izamal x2 / biking adventures + swimming hole at Rio Lagartos

[missmaclay]

I could make this post about my entire 1,5 week trip through the UK, but I’m sure y’all only want to hear about the last day in Liverpool ;).

Quick recap of where I’ve been and what I’ve seen though; Telford (met Jeremy Jordan, David Harewood, Brit Morgan, Rahul Kohli and more), London (met Mehcad Brooks, Stephen Amell and much more), went to the Tower of London, Tower Bridge, Ripley’s, Wembley, Bath, Stonehenge, Windsor castle, Big Ben, Leicester square, Piccadilly and spend a lot of time in the Underground. Also saw the new Alien film AND Beauty and the Beast.

Anyway, that’s not what y’all wanna hear. Here’s my recap of May 29th;

I woke up in London after 2 days of HVFF. Went downstairs for my lovely UK brekkie (HASH BROWNS!) and then jumped in the shower and off I went. To Euston station to catch a train to Liverpool. Apparently, it was the first train to go straight to Liverpool from London that day, earlier ones were cancelled. Thank God I’d splurged on a first class ticket. I heard people had been standing the entire trip (2 hours!). Anyway, the train ride is beautiful. Would have been better if it hadn’t been raining, lol. 

Got to Liverpool a bit delayed due to a signal failure (uh-huh..) and the taxi stand at Liverpool Lime Street is insane. So many folks needed one. BUT I got to my hotel for around 4, thankfully. Since I was around the corner from the venue, I saw the Cavern already when the taxi dropped me off. Queue the nerves. The hotel was beautiful too. Beatles song playing as you walked in, lol. 

I hadn’t eaten since 9 am that morning so I Googled mapped the area and saw that there was a Gregg’s nearby. Perfect, sausage roll it is. I was there half an hour before closing time, but apparently they don’t care in Liverpool, because the door was locked. Oh well, a bag of crisps and an apple it is. Met up with @amyroot near the venue and we walked around a bit, the area is pretty cool!

Anyway we waited outside like we thought we had to when we were informed that the line had already started inside. We rushed downstairs and joined the queue. This was at 6pmish. 

The earlier concert started at 4pm and our gig was supposed to start at 8pm, but they were still doing M&Gs so everything ran a little late. No problem, everyone should get to do their M&G but my damn legs were killing me, lol. 

Pleasantly surprised there was some seating in the venue when we finally got in. Not near the front, but it’s OK, we could sit. I’ll upload some actual videos from the concert so I won’t talk about that, but them singing “Imagine” and then bringing Anni on stage were awesome.

Before the M&Gs started, they had an auction for St. Vincent’s school, all DC stuff. I have to admit that the two guys doing the auction were hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. They auctioned some stuff in the venue and said the rest would go online (haven’t seen it yet anywhere?)

Onto our M&Gs. I have no idea how many people were there but it seemed like a never ending line, lol. I think they started around 10/11ishpm with the first people. I think they first said you would get a photo, 1 minute to talk and 2 things to sign, but of course all of that went out the window pretty soon. They managed to have a pretty good system. First person you saw was Nathan (who gives amazing hugs), Gemma or Angelo would take your photo with Nathan, then when the person in front of you had finished talking with Chyler, you’d move onto her and get hugs, photos and autographs, etc. Pretty good system.

Nathan ended up walking/running around the hall and thanking people in line for their patience as it was taking soooo long. Folks who had to catch a bus/train/whatever were pushed to the front, that was a good idea. 

I was eating tic tacs by that time (it was nearing 1am and we were still in line) because I hadn’t had dinner, but they hadn’t either. Nathan was having a discussion with someone in line, leaning over the barrier when Chyler tried to get his attention for something. He was too focused on whoever he was talking to though, so he didn’t hear Chyler calling for him. Her calls for “babe. love. honey. love of my life.” were completely ignored until the guy (Neil?) from the Canvern lovingly shouted “Nathan darling!” very loudly, lol. THAT’s when he turned around. 

Around 2am we were finally at the front of the line. The security who ticked your name off of the VIP list was hilarious, too. All the staff were. Pronouncing my name for him the way it’s supposed to be didn’t help the poor guy. To be fair, I couldn’t understand him either. Damn accent, lol. 

Aaaaanyway, it was finally our turn and Nathan straight off the bat asked about my necklace and we proceeded to geek out for several minutes over PS4 games. We apparently took so long I looked passed him to see Chyler on her own, the person in front of me already left. Oops. I hugged Nathan (and in my haste forgot to take a photo with him) and rushed over to Chyler. Now. As I’m sure you can imagine, I cannot explain or descibe how that was. To see Chyler up close, giving her a hug, talking to her. No words. She asked what I was talking to Nathan about as we both looked so passionate about the subject, lol. She’s absolutely amazing. Gave her a massive bag of gummi bears and she loved it, lol. I printed off a photo from the I love you scene which she signed with “I <3 you” which... asdfghjkl. We chatted for a bit (fun fact; the dibs gun is NOT the gun her son drew, which she talked about at SDCC I think?) and I thanked her for coming over and doing these things, and she thanked ME for coming over. Can you believe that? Like, duh. Nathan was off to bathroom at that point so I moved to the side to give Amy some time with Chyler while I waited to Nathan to come back to get a double photo (him and Chyler) which we then did in turns. It was great.

We walked off to the side to collect everything and put photos etc. away when I realised I hadn’t had my photo with Nathan. I didn’t want to interrupt their whole thing they had going so we waiting until the very last person had gone (4 am people!) for us to go back and get the last photos. Nathan was very happy to oblige and we even snagged another one with Chyler as the lighting was pretty awful where we first were. I had to pull poor Chyler away from her McNuggets, that was probably the first food she’d seen since 3pm, lol. 

Managed to actually say what I wanted to say to Chyler at that time (I was so nervous before) and thanked her for everything she’s doing for us as a community and even though we have Twitter it’s impossible for her to see every reaction so I wanted to personally say we all appreciate how she fights for us. 

We got caught talking a bit to the people from Charity Pulse and St. Vincent’s too, lovely people. Ended up nearly cleaning out the venue as we were the last people there (those big boxes aren’t even that heavy). Nathan AGAIN thanked us for coming said we were ‘amazing’ and then we finally walked out of there.

It was 5am when I finally calmed down enough to goto sleep and I looked out my window and it was daylight already. 

When I woke up, everything hurt from so little sleep, of course. Went downstairs for my last day of UK brekkie (HASH BROWNS!). I walked over to the corner of the room as I didn’t want to take up a 4 person table by myself but I was shoo’d away to another side of the room as they’d already made up these tables for lunch. Well, okay, whatever. I plopped down at a 4 person table and as I look up I see Nathan and their 3 kids also enjoying a UK brekkie, they were staying at the same hotel as me, lol. 

As they left he recognized me and said hi and we wished eachother a good day and that was that. Spent some time shopping and then went to the airport (The driver was an Everton supporter, which isn’t good for me as a Liverpool supporter) and went home.

I’m a little flu-y now but I’m enjoying going through the videos and photos. It was an amazing day and they were very positive about doing a gig in Amsterdam so I hope to see them again very soon.

[romanl294-blog]

INTEGRATION!

From April - July we are on site integration - which many volunteers call site restriction. You aren’t allowed to go to other volunteers’ sites, you are expected to sleep every night at your site, and your main focus is to integrate to the community and begin thinking of ideas for future projects. Let’s just start off with I have A LOT of free time, so those of you in America who would like to learn more about Ghana or what I am currently up to, please feel free to get in contact with me through Whatsapp or Facebook Messenger - we are only 4-8 hours time difference (depending where in the states you are) and trust me, I’m completely relaxing right now. 

Since arriving to site, I haven’t been in the Journal writing mood. So I guess I will just accept that I have a journal entry for every day during training, but not throughout my entire service. On the plus side, I am completely in love with my community and feel like I am extremely lucky. Here are some things I’ve been up to/experiencing:

~~ I’ve read 7 books, finished the entire 6 seasons to Game of Thrones, season 2 of Animal Planet as well as North America version, some cool random movies, and still somehow have been completely visible by my community. Seriously…. That’s just how much free time I’ve had. Here are the books I’ve read, let me know if you’ve enjoyed or read any of them:

1. Water for Elephants by Sata Gruen

2. The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz

3. The Cure for Death by Lightning by Gail Anderson-Dargatz

4. Hyperbole and a Half by Alie Brosh

5. The Vanishing Year by Kate Moretti

6. In a Dark, Dark Wood by Ruth Ware

7. The Door to December by Dean Koontz

~~ I walk around my village close to 3-7 hours a day. With a population close to 6,000 I am always encountering new paths, new houses, new faces and new environments. I’ve been struggling with correcting my name, not sure I will ever be called correctly but currently these are the names I go by; Sister Marie, Sister/Madame Aku, Sister/Madame Lisa, and Sister Lisamarie. Many of you know that II do not like going by Marie. I’ve tried to explain to them my name is ONE word… for some reason it isn’t working. Aku on the other hand is because I was born on a Wednesday. Based on the day of the week you were born, you get different names. Unfortunately they are based on sex, female vs male. Here’s what you would be called based on the day you were born in Ewe:

Monday aka Dzoda

     -Female: Adzo

     -Male: Kodzo

Tuesday aka Blada

     -Female: Abla

     -Male: Kobla

Wednesday aka Kuda

     -Female: Aku

     -Male: KoKu

Thursday aka Yawoda

     -Female: Yawa

     -Male: Yao

Friday aka Fida

     -Female: Afi

     -Male: Kofi

Saturday aka Memleda

     -Female: Ama

     -Male: Kwami

Sunday aka Kosida

     -Female: Esi

     -Male: Kusi

~~ I’ve made friends with the Chief of my village, assemblyman, and opinion leaders. They all are always happy to see me and I attempt to speak to them in our language as I do with everyone in my village and they love it.

~~ I have joined women in peeling casava and also have had small boys help me with weeding my yard. Both hard labor, both causing blisters to these soft New Yorker hands I have.

~~ I made a permagarden at my house! Again with a lot of help from the children and my friends. All out hands were badly blistered. I couldn’t have done it without them. I have many seeds for tomatoes, thyme, cilantro and more! I cannot wait to start planting and share with my community.

~~ People know me not only in my village, but the neighboring villages as well because I like to go on long walks and just introduce myself to everyone. I seem to know more people than even some of the nurses at my clinic know. They’re always impressed when we walk around town or go to the market and people call my name to say hi.

~~ I’ve been getting a better hold on cooking for myself. You have no clue how much harder it is - cooking everything from scratch, being aware of the nutrients you may be lacking, and the market having very limited foods are just a few of the struggles you face. It’s not that easy.

~~ I’ve attended multiple funerals. In Ghana funerals are Friday-Satuday. Here’s their breakdown:

     -Friday: The music and gathering begins around 4PM. The body arrives around 6 and someone has to clean and dress the body. Everyone at the gathering is expected to stay there dancing, interacting, eating and etc. until day break!

     -Saturday: At day break you are expected to go home, bathe and return to the location. You will have a church service followed by more music, traditional dancing, eating and all around celebration. Then they bury the body.

     -I haven’t done the entire staying up all night (latest I’ve made it to is 1AM) and etc. but I’ve attended most of the gatherings and have their traditional dancing and some songs down. They always get excited when I come, and everyone loves that I dance and try singing with them.

~~ I’ve eaten and cooked with multiple different people, and have become close with some neighbors, women, and children in my village. Which has helped tremendously with learning the language as well as feeling more safe in my community. I’m a little sad because many of the friends I’ve made that are my age will be returning to college in August so I won’t see them again until December. I’ve realized that I’ve really grown to care for the people in my community. A Little girls mother sent her away for school and when we were saying bye I had to hold back my sadness and tears. This is after only 2 months of being at site, I can’t imagine how leaving back to the states will feel!

~~ LASTLY, but certainly not least, I have had my Welcome Ceremony! The community has officially accepted me into their village and have told me that I am now from our town, not America. Haha

 Dancing, talking, and amazing conversations about family dynamics, cultures in America, differences between our funerals/celebrations and just overall acceptance by my community has made me feel like the luckiest volunteer so far who was perfectly matched. Of course I still have my moments of missing home, wanting to be alone, being frustrated with being called a Yevu (White Person in Ewe), and small awkward/uncomfortable interactions but hey what’s an experience without it’s ups and downs. I make everything I do at site an accomplishment in my head, because let’s just face it, I’ve completed two month of service and have 22 lefts to go. Some people don’t even make it this far.

[remembermemorablememories]

Friday, September 14, 2018

post #249

main points:

- hang with franky cynthia tyrone and brian all afternoon/evening!

- hang with jacob franky and brian and meet up with doug diana and jwoos once they arrived by bus!

today i:

- took a long shower in the morning

- meet up with franky and cynthia for brunch at flour cafe. tyrone and brian came along too! brian was doing a coding challenge last night so he didn’t come out with us

- flour cafe was pretty good. my sandwich was like... aight. but it was cool to try out new places. once we finished eating we walked over to darwin ltd cause franky had gone there before and said we could get a tea pot with unlimited refills for water (so like unlimited tea)

- we hung out at the tea cafe for like 2 hours from 2-4:30pm. we just chatted about interview prep and stuff, some video games/middle school/high school stuff. cynthia left for class around 4pm. the four of us stayed for a little longer just chatting. we wanted to go session cause we were talking about it in the cafe. but we didn’t know where to go so we wandered around for a bit

i bumped into alexa and mirah when we left the cafe. i haven’t seen mirah since last semester cause she graduated :o they were at an appdynamics networking thing

- franky tyrone brian and i hung around near a park area editing my hinge profile LOL. franky is a genius he helped me get some funny responses for the questions

- cynthia got out of class around 5pm and showed us into a multipurpose room. where we could session. she let us in and then had to go to dance practice. franky tyrone brian and i sessioned for like an hour. i hadn’t done any practice in like a few weeks so it was nice to be able to mess around again. i was kind of exhausted though from the night before. we taught tyrone some basics of top rock, franky taught us some whacking techniques and the walking man. it was a good time :) 

- we finished around 6:30pm and then went to santouka for dinner. it was an hour long wait. we were on the topic of interview prep and ended up talking about questions/solving them together. we stopped by the harvard library since it was right around the corner and sat down to discuss some questions

- we went to santouka and got some free gyozas by signing up via a promotional app LOL. franky tyrone and brian all got their own orders of free gyozas. i’ll try it next time. i got the shoyu ramen instead of shio this time and it was soooo good. i liked it a lot. along with the chashu gohan rice :)

- tyrone parted ways to go visit freddie afterwards. franky brian and i hung out at mike’s pastries and waited for jacob to show up cause we were gonna meet up with frands at south station when they arrived

- jacob took the three of us on a tour around fort point/seaport area. i’ve never actually been (like on foot) so that was pretty cool. we stopped by a brewery and had some beer while we waited for jacob’s friend, andrew, to show up. his bus arrived around 10:15pm and he came to us around 10:40pm. we were just chatting for a while until 11:30pm which is when doug, diana and jwoos’ bus got in. we were talking about a variety of stuff like jobs and dating profiles and stuff. i also learned a lot about waterloo from andrew. i was also a little bit tired/exhausted but just chilled there in the meantime. i shared a flight of beer with brian. i realized i’m just not a fan of beer. it’s so bitter

- around 11:30pm we walked back over to south station cause that’s when jwoos diana and doug said they had arrived. cynthia also came through cause her dance practice had ended/meet up event had ended. we all met up outside of south station. it was so nice to see doug!! and of course diana and jwoos (but i had just seem them a few weeks ago in SF LOL)

- we went to a burrito place near northeastern to get food for jwoos doug and diana cause they hadn’t eaten dinner and were starving on the bus. i was chilling with cynthia and brian while they waited in line (cause the line was really long and i wasn’t too hungry. i think andrew also got something cause he was pretty hungry

- we hung out around northeastern campus while everyone ate their food. it was a fun time. we got to see jacob’s funky walk, chat about HIMYM, and other random stuff

- we walked over to jacob’s place, which was just close by. once we got there, jacob presented doug with a birthday cake!! it was doug’s birthday today :D and jacob’s last weekend. so that’s why we were all together this weekend

we just kind of hung out at jacob’s for the night. chatting, eating cheese cake, sipping some drinks, and watching an american ninja warrior knockoff on the TV. we weren’t sure if we were gonna go out or not but i think we were all feeling kind of tired. so we called it a night around 2am

- i ubered back with brian to our apt and then crashed around 3am (again). franky and cynthia went back to cynthia’s place (franky’s stuff was still there). jacob, jwoos, diana, doug and andrew went back to jacob’s home home to crash

the end!

another fun and long day :p 

[imnotthatbrite]

Summer don’t read this right now

Seriously I am venting and putting this out into the anonymity of cyber space. Like when you shout in an empty parking lot or in your car.

If you do read anything please don’t say anything.

“I’m not in love with you anymore”

7 words that literally turned my whole life around.

For the past five years I have been in love with, married to, and in a deep relationship with my spouse. She’s someone I saw myself spending the rest of my life with. That is until this week. 

I never cheated, I never faltered, I didn’t spend money we didn’t have, I wasn’t addicted to anything but this family I had built. 

However I was told I was weak, lazy, and didn’t challenge her.

As I write this, I am alone in a single apartment in downtown next to the interstate. Still in my bed at 4pm. I haven’t eaten anything or even taken anything to drink. I don’t even have the energy to get up and go to the bathroom. I have to embrace where I am now. Which is far away from the home I was asked to leave. Far away from the life that I have built for myself. All the while my “family” is 5 minutes away posting pictures of their perfect day.

A family that I had shed my own for. I had spent more time with then my mother and grandmother. Only to be here. By myself and alone.  I feel as though I’ve never existed. All those times being alone with her cousin while she was out doing her art or work. All the bonding with her brother. Being told how much I am loved and valued. Now? Now I’m no one. I’m someone who has just another chapter in their family’s life and now it doesn’t matter where I am.

This separation has just been snowballing and snowballing. Constantly gaining speed. In 22 days I have separated, had my one year wedding anniversary, been told that I don’t fit with my spouse, and now staring at pictures of my family in law on Facebook.

Every single article I’ve read about this subject has been from a female perspective. The perspective of someone who has been in 15 plus year relationships with kids and hiring lawyer and divorce.

I don’t want any of that. I just want to go home. I want to hug and kiss my wife again. I want to wake up from this horrible thing.

Instead I was asked to leave. That it would be good for our marriage and make my wife realize that she’d miss me. My hesitancy coming from a deep rooted issue of being abandoned. But as time progressed she realized how negative I made her. How unhappy I had made her. That when we had dinner on our wedding anniversary she told me how she felt so relieved and how she was walking around naked in the house free. I remember my first night in my apartment. It was cold, I had a fitted sheet and I was on a bare bed in a bare room. Trying to go to sleep so I didn’t have to wake up in the house that I had to leave the next day.

That the last time she brought moving out onto to the table that it was either move out or get married, I chose married. Finding out later that she was gearing to break up with me. I was told that was in the past and that it’s different because we were married.  

However, it wasn’t different and it doesn’t matter that we’re married. Despite her telling me that she went in with the best intentions it turned into exactly what she originally wanted. I married her because I was given an ultimatum of either “making an honest woman out of her” or leaving and breaking up, I chose to marry her. This time around I left because I was given the ultimatum of leave or we’re getting a divorce.

Either way what’s happening? I’m alone and getting divorced only I didn’t get arrested like I was threatened to be.

This is the hardest thing I’ve had to go through. I haven’t been through anything else like this. I keep being told that she has to think because she doesn’t want to make a mistake. That she’s done worrying about what other people are going to think of her. She’s taking my family more into consideration than I am. We can’t go back from this. I can’t come back home at any point and pretend none of this happened. Or come home learning a very valuable lesson.

The lesson is:

I put myself in this mess and despite effort and warning signs it just turned into shit.

�����

[brunchbitch]

When you get a moment could you please bullet update on your week?

sure! i’m putting it under a read more bc it’s long and boring.

2/19/17

this week has been okay - up and down.

i moved back to W (the group home) last tuesday and the first couple nights were very very hard, but since then it’s gotten a little better. or, rather, i’ve been trying to change my attitude towards it. i’m going to be living here for at least another year and i don’t want to be miserable the whole time so i’m doing my best to try to be a little more positive. laura, the residence director, has been nice and helpful, but not too overbearing which i was worried about - (can’t remember if i’ve already written this but) courtney called her to let her know they supported me moving back here and she was like “okay i would like a copy of her meal plan and her exercise plan. i will be watching her closely” and courtney was like “umm… usually by the time they’re in iop, they don’t really need to be watched outside of program” but laura said “i don’t care. i am not letting what happened in the fall happen again on my watch.” so i feel really bad bc i feel like she partially blamed herself for not intervening sooner. so i was worried about her watching me like a hawk but she’s been good. she asked me a little about partial/iop but hasn’t asked me what i’ve eaten or anything like that so that’s good.

on thursday i did shop and cook with another girl - we made chicken walnut cranberry goat cheese pizza and it was yummy. friday we went to a sandwich place for lunch. it was both my and another girl’s last outing in php, so we begged to get ice cream even though it was really cold. we were so excited when the dietitian said we could go to ben & jerry’s and obviously it was still scary and i felt guilty for being excited/asking for it, but i was also able to reflect on how far i’ve come since september and that’s really cool.

yesterday i finally had galentine’s day with my best friend and we did some painting and had coffee and lunch together while watching phantom of the opera. i was supposed to go to multi-family group at mnlh but my check engine light came on and i was too nervous to drive 30 min on the highway so i took it to a shop and bri and i went shopping at a fun store for a little bit. once i got my car back ($280 later ugh), i ended up still going to mnlh to say hi to some of my friends, but those three clients weren’t even there - they were all on pass. so i hung out with one of the recovery coaches who i was really close to. and T was there and i got to talk to her about brandon’s phone call which was really helpful. when i told her about the time limit/end date, she was like “does he think your ED is just going to go away by then?” and i was like EXACTLY and said how i wanted to tell him to put a time limit on our therapy too lol. i’m wondering if the director of mnlh might be able to talk to him and say that the end date wouldn’t be advisable. i don’t plan to see liz for the rest of my life, for sure, but i think it’s problematic to start out knowing when we’re going to end. if i really wanted to be in treatment, i probably would’ve said i didn’t need an ED team, and then just let myself relapse again so i could go back to residential. but i am ACTIVELY trying to make my outpatient team as supportive as possible so that i DON’T have to go back to a HLOC. so i’m gonna try to talk to him about this on friday. i really need to work on being honest with him, especially when i disagree with him. so i’m really glad i stopped by mnlh and got to talk to her. i told her i would try to come next weekend too so that i could update her on how the meeting went. while i was there, i saw a new client who looked really really awful, like should’ve been in the hospital, and she is T’s client. that was hard for me. i was jealous of her body (i know i shouldn’t be, but i am) and jealous that she was probably going to be there for a very long time which means that she gets to work with T for a very long time and that’s hard. i miss T so much and wish i was seeing her outpatient. but one thing that’s really helpful is that she does work on saturdays which is the day of the alumni group, so i can convince my bpd (or whatever) that i don’t need to get really sick to see her again - i can see her in group every week! and hopefully i won’t need to go every week for months and months, but i know it’s there if i need it and it’s a much healthier way of transitioning than saying goodbye to a therapist for good and knowing i would have to return as a patient if i wanted to see them again.

i milieu'ed last night (milieu is where we have to be in the common area of the house playing games or watching a movie - you can’t study or read or do anything too isolative - and we have to milieu three nights a week) and it was pretty low-key. i made dinner (brussels sprouts, sweet potato cranberry onion mix, and chicken breast) and prepped breakfast (baked blueberry oatmeal) then started some art journaling (mostly just cutting things out of magazines at this point).

this morning i was supposed to meet a friend for coffee but her car broke down and i’m bummed i couldn’t see her but was also kind of relieved bc i didn’t sleep well so i went back to bed for an hour. i had oatmeal for breakfast, did a load of laundry (still haven’t folded that whoops), unpacked a little, then went to volunteer at the cat shelter! that was fun and three kitties got adopted. i’m really happy i found this shelter bc they’re so nice and i love being around the cats so much so that’s been a source of joy for me. then i went to get snack at berryline and see my outpatient dietitian, kellie. 

we had a really good session and laughed a bit about the ridiculousness of the fall (she was like “how did you even have ketoacidosis, i mean that is so freaking rare! it’s one thing if you have ketones in your urine, but for the actual pH of your body to change…” and then she shook her head and laughed and i laughed too bc it really is fucking ridiculous. and then she reminded me that she was talking to me on the phone in between the two hospitalizations and i was saying that my legs were numb and she had said “well if it gets worse, you should go to your doctor” and i replied “how would i know if they get worse? i can’t feel them!” and she was like “umm… ok you should definitely go to your doctor” lol i did not remember having that conversation. i just remember being terrified of going to the doctor or the walk-in clinic bc brandon had told me if i was hospitalized again, he wouldn’t work with me again.) i talked about how frustrated i was with the end date issue and she agreed with me, not by saying that i should be able to see liz for the rest of my life, that there should be an end to it, but to not necessarily set a date at this time. we also talked about some goals (continue eating out at a restaurant at least once a week when i step down to iop even though i don’t “have” to bc there aren’t any outings in iop, log everything in recovery record, and practice more intuitive eating while challenging judgements). we decided she’s going to do blind weights and she’s not going to give me feedback unless it continues to trend in one direction or the other and she’s concerned. i know my general 5-pound range from britt so kellie is only going to bring it up when i’m outside of my range. i think that’s probably better bc i get really obsessive about “it’s up a little” “well how much? still in the range? how close to the upper edge of the range?” etc. although it was really hard to agree to that from the outset. she’s also going to be weighing me with clothes on at 4pm on sundays and i wanted so badly to see it today bc i’m sure it’s so much higher than usual. i joked that she must have a really good poker face with this job and she was like “yeah i’m really good.” so i don’t think i’ll get any info there. overall though it was a really good session and i’m so happy i get to start seeing her again.

i’m milieuing now but am probably gonna get in trouble for being on the computer so much so i better end here. sorry this update was probably SO boring.

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

COTW 9? Start? What chapter am I on again?!

Levi's rut, or simmering rut was kind of nice. His alpha holding him close all day, letting Eren nap in his lap while they were at Hanji's. The pair of them trading affectionate kisses each time either of them felt like it, while Viren and Anna both looked at them in disgust. Hearing he and their pups were alright had sent him sky high, his body flooded with warmth and happiness that only grew each time he looked to Levi. Levi's rut was still affecting him when they finally headed up to bed for the night. His alpha pushing him down to the bed, before spending what felt like hours eating him out. Waves of pleasures blended together, his hands buried in Levi's hair as he barely contained his moans and mews. Bringing him to orgasm, Levi's lapped every drop of cum from his stomach, Eren giggling at Levi's animalistic behaviour. His giggles earning him a playful away from his mate, though Levi's own soft laughter made it impossible for him to take anything seriously. Crawling up the bed, he flipped his mate off. Levi growling as he climbed up behind, his mate peppering kisses against his skin as one hand came to tickle his side. Giggled turned to full blown laughter as he begged or mercy. He was still giggling as Levi mounted him from behind, both of them shushing each other, lest they face the wrath of an angry Hanji. The sex was soft and gentle, despite the tapering rut, Eren falling asleep with Levi still inside of him. Napping off and on, they reconfirmed their feelings of happiness, whispered words of love falling between soft pants and rustling sheets. When morning came, Levi cleaned him down thoroughly with his tongue, which was hot as fuck. His mate's rut may have been killed off by the heavy dose of suppressants, but what he had been through made him feel like the luckiest omega in the world. * Left to sleep by Levi, Eren woke to four small hands on his face. On his left, Anna was staring right into his eyes, as Viren pushed at him, repeating "Mummy!". Still happy from the previous night, Eren wrapped his arms around both kids, kissing Anna's forehead, then pressing kisses to Viren's cheeks as he tried to push him off, smacking him squarely in the eye by accident. Ignoring the pain, and the watering, he kept a smile on his face "Uncle Eren!" "Good morning, you two. Did mummy send you to wake me?" "You've been asleep forever Uncle Eren! Uncle Mike and Uncle Erwin are here! And Uncle Levi's hurt" That got his attention, goodbye happiness, hello panic "What do you mean he's hurt?" "He's got bruises on his neck, like you do Uncle Eren... mummy won't tell me anything" Bruises... Hickeys... oh thank fuck "Uncle Levi's ok. So am I. Have you been playing with Viren?" Looking to his son, Viren nodded "Yep. But he doesn't want to play barbies. And he won't let me do his face all pretty" "That's because my little man is already pretty. Why don't you take him back downstairs? I need to have a shower" "But Uncle Eren, you've been asleep all day!! Mummy said I had to wait! I want to play" "And we will, I just need to take a shower because I'm all sweaty! And my breath... I think something died in my mouth" Exhaling loudly, the kids caught a waft of his breath. Anna pinching her nose "You're smelly!" "I told you. Now go take Viren back to Uncle Levi. And be careful on the stairs" "I will! Come on Viren!" Anna was so good with Viren. She did each and every stair one by one with him, telling him off he tried to take too big a step. Leading him away, his son waved at him in clear confusion. Probably wondering why they had to come all the way up, to now go back down. Showered and dressed in sweats and a shirt from his stash in the spare room wardrobe, Eren had tried to look a little less fucked. Levi had practically marked every single spot along his neck, like a collar of ownership. Walking into the kitchen, Levi rose to great him. Leaving Hanji, Mike and Erwin at the dining table, with the kids already back watching cartoons "Hey, beautiful" Kissing Levi, Eren wrapped his arms around him "Hey, you. How'd you sleep?" "Not as good as you, you looked too peaceful to disturb" "I don't mind. I know you like to be up early" "Take a seat, I'll make you some lunch" Stealing another kiss, Eren then padded softly over to the dining table, sinking down with 3 pairs of eyes on him "What?" Erwin said nothing, but he was smiling way too much. As was Hanji "You three are creeping me out" Mike laughed "Sorry, Eren. I hear congratulations are in order" Mike already knew anyway... "Yep. Twins..." Erwin looked to his husband, then to Hanji "You didn't tell me it was twins" "Because we know you can't keep your mouth closed" Eren snorted as Levi shot Erwin down. He might not have got to tell everyone his news his own way, but Erwin being clueless was nice "Two healthy pups... and a happy omega" Mike smiled warmly, ignoring Erwin's furrowed brow "That's great news. How have you been feeling? How's your depression been?" "Not great. But today's been pretty good. Even if Viren hit me in the eye for too many kisses" "It has nothing to do with the fact you and Levi have more hickies than skin around your necks" "Well, there was that too" Hanji groaned "I told you two to behave" "You don't have to have sex to be intimate" Placing down a steaming mug of tea, and plate of toast, Levi dropped a kiss on his head as he sat next to him "Mhmm..." "Oh you two totally boned" Eren choked on air, Hanji wearing her best disapproving mum look. Wrapping his arm around him, Levi leaned around him "Leave him alone" "Where's the fun in that?" "Will you two let me eat my breakfast in peace? Erwin, please tell me you're here to drag Levi back to work?" "He's on extended shift as of next week" That was good. Levi needed that "Don't worry, I can talk to my boss" "Levi. No. You're going back to work... Hanji, am I allowed to start dancing again?" "As long as you take it easy, and make sure you're keeping your fluids up, you can start again next month" "You do realise that only gives me two weeks before the wind up" "Would rather not dance at all?" Eren glared at Hanji "That's what I thought" Beside him, Levi released his hold. Eren confused as the sudden lack of contact. Did Levi not want him dancing? It was only for two weeks, and then he'd be 6 months come February when it started up again, and probably too pregnant to dance... or at least pole dance "When's your wind up?" Straining to smile, Eren looked to Mike "December 11. It starts at 4pm, which is all the kids dance classes first. Then I think the ballroom dancing is about 7, and 9ish for Pole Dancing" "Pole Dancing?" "Well I was working as a stripper when I met Levi and Hanji... it's a great work out, and it's super fun" Crossing his arms, Levi growled at Mike "Get your mind off my mate" "No ones thinking of Eren like that. I was just asking. Do you have to buy tickets?" "Yep. But I've got one for Anna, Viren, Hanji and Levi. His was supposed to be surprise..." He'd asked Sasha to pick him up another ticket... he may have thought he'd be single by the time the wind up came around, and that Levi would have no interest in attending... But Levi didn't need to know that. He'd lied to Sasha anyway, saying he couldn't get babysitter for Viren "You got me a ticket?" Fuck. Levi sounded surprised, adding the guilt he was feeling about leaving it so late "Yes... Wait, don't tell me you two want tickets too?" Mike looked to Erwin, Erwin looking slightly miffed. He didn't know why. Erwin was the one who couldn't keep it in his pants. He wasn't exactly sure what had happened with Eld... and he was hearing all this from Levi, who two shits "No, it's alright. I'm sure Levi or Hanji will be filming" "Nope. No filming or photos for the pole dancing. It's a mixed class with alphas, betas and omegas, so no one is allowed to take photos in case someone gets upset" "Levi would probably kill anyone taking photos of you" His alpha huffed "I wouldn't kill them" "No, you'd just give them an extremely hands on talking too" "Ok. That's enough. No one is hurting anyone. This is exactly why there's no filming" "I suppose you dance for Levi anyway" "Actually, I don't... but I've got my routine planned. So it's too late to change that. If he's a good boy, he might get a preview" Though Levi would probably chuck the shits over him dancing in front of everyone. He knew he hated it... but dancing felt so good "I think you'd better give him that preview" Hanji giggled nervously. Levi's scent was starting to turn angry "You two just want to watch. I'm onto you" Placing his hand on Levi's his alpha tensed "Levi. Do you not want me dancing?" "No. No it's fine" It didn't sound very fine... "I can just do the ballroom" "I said it's fine" Nervous, he pushed his chair away from the table. Levi didn't want him dancing "Eren" "No..." "Eren, talk to me" Reaching towards him, Eren stepped back. Well aware that Hanji, Mike and Erwin were watching the exchange between him and Levi "I said I didn't mind" "Really? Because that's not how it sounds" "Well what do you want me to say then?" "The truth. If you don't want me dancing, just say it like that" Rising in her own spot, Hanji tried to calm him "Eren, I'm sure it's just lingering concern and possessiveness from Levi's minirut..." Probably. But that didn't make it hurt any less "I don't want to talk about it. I'm going to check on the kids" "You haven't eaten" "I'm not hungry" "Eren, you need to eat" "I'm not hungry. Sorry, Hanji..." Walking away from the table, Eren chewed his bottom lip. It was just dancing. It wasn't like he was stripping, and he wasn't giving lap dances. He'd stupidly thought Levi would support him, not get shitty over it. Sitting down on the sofa, Viren climbed into his lap without prompting "Uncle Eren, are you ok?" Nodding at Anna, he moved Viren onto one thigh, so Anna could climb up on his other side "Yep. I sure am Anna Bee-nena" "It's banana, Uncle Eren" "It sure is" Settling herself down, Eren hugged both kids. At least the kids liked him. There they went. There he went. Having one good night and thinking things were better "What are we watching?" "'toons. Can we go play outside?" "It's a bit cold for that" "But you said!" "I know I did. I didn't realise how cold it was" "It's not that cold" Pouting at him, Anna was adorable and not taking no "Viren's younger than you sweetheart, he's not quite as strong as you yet" "He's so small" "That's because he's still growing" "I want him to be bigger" "One say he's going to be taller than you" "But Uncle Levi is really, really short" Eren struggled not to laugh. Levi would be pissed to hear that "He's still taller than you. Viren, what do you want to do?" "Play!" "See, Uncle Eren. He wants to play" Tickling Viren's tummy, his son giggled. He loved the sweet sound so much. He couldn't say no to his wife grey eyes and happy face "Fiiiiiine. Go ask your mummy. You're going to need a jacket, and I need to put Viren in some warmer clothes" Anna gave him a wet kiss, scrambling out his lap to go running into the kitchen as she yelled for her mum, while Eren lifted Viren. Bopping him lightly on the nose, his son threw his arms up "Play! Mummy. Play!" "Yeah, baby boy. You need a jacket though" Firmly ignoring the direction of the dining area, Eren carried Viren upstairs, dressing his son in a thick warm jacket, and proper pants. He just had to play with the kids... that would make him feel better. At least he couldn't do that wrong. "Eren" Waiting for him at the base of the stairs, Levi lifted Viren off his hip as his traitor of a son reached for Levi "Levi. I don't want to talk about it" "I was a dick. I know dancing is important to you" "And?" "And, I'm sorry. I know you love dancing, and I shouldn't have gotten mad over it" "Hah! I knew you were mad" "Ok. Yes. I don't like the idea of dancing in front of everyone else. But it's your body" "Even if I'm dancing in front of everyone, you're my alpha. You, Lee. Not them" Levi looked to his feet like a scolded child. His alpha wasn't great at always owning up to his jealousy "But they're all going to want you" "Want me? What am I? A hunk of meat? It doesn't matter to me what they feel or want. I'm pregnant with your pups" "It matters to me. You're gorgeous and out of my league. You could have the choice of any alpha you wanted" Eren scoffed "If you seriously think that, then what did last night mean? Does that mean I just settled for you? And that my feelings mean nothing?" "I'm not saying that" "Then have some trust in me" "I do trust you..." "But?" "But I don't want to share you" "I'm not a possession. I'm your omega. You keep saying I'm your partner. And dancing makes me feel better about myself. For fork's sake. I started dancing again to look good when I'm with you... and you know what, if you're jealous, than that's your problem. If you're that worried, then don't bother coming" "Eren" "No. You can't say you trust me, and not want me to dance. That's like saying I think you're cheating on me every you leave the house" "I'm not cheating on you! I'm worried for you!" Cheating wasn't the quite phrase to use... not when they'd dissolved into an argument not even two weeks ago over it "I'm not having this fight. I'm going to play with the kids, at least I can do that right" "God. Why are you being like this? I was trying to apologise" "Apology accepted. But I don't want to talk to you about it right now. Last night meant a lot to me... and now you're making me feel ashamed for liking the things I like" And stupid. Really stupid for liking to dance "That wasn't my intention" "Then maybe you should have thought about this more. You're my mate. My alpha. I'm not dancing to attract another mate. This is why I never should have told you I was dancing again" Levi sighed "Eren. I want to support you, but if things were different and I was dancing, would you be jealous?" Yes... Levi was his, but if it made him happy, he'd find a way to deal with it "Yes. But I'd support you because that's what a good mate does when it involves something they love. Give me Viren, Anna's probably waiting as it is" "Anna's got the others under her thumb. Erwin's pushing her on the swing while Hanji and Mike had been instructed to watch" "She's a force of her own" "That she is..." Taking Viren back, Eren "nommed" at his cheek "Let's play! Do you want to go on the swings? How does that sound?" "Swings! Mum. Daddy?" "Daddy's coming outside too. Do you want daddy to push you?" Viren nodded enthusiastically. Throwing himself on the ground, Viren wailed. Anna was on the swing he wanted to use, and his son wasn't having it, even if he was too small for a normal seat. Leaving him wailing, Eren sat on the veranda, next to Hanji to watch. Levi stupidly attempting to soothe their screaming toddler. He hated seeing him cry, but mid tantrum... well, it was better to let himself cry himself out "Did you talk to Levi?" "Really, Hanji?" "He was pretty upset with himself" "He should be" "Eren, he loves you" "He might love me, but he didn't need to make me like shit" "He didn't mean to" "That doesn't change anything" "I think you're over reacting" "He's the one over reacting. I'm just dancing. That all there is to it" "Dancing and showing off that fantastic body of yours, while pregnant. He loves you" "I know he does. But he needs to back off. He can't keep getting jealous like this" "Eren, he's been going out of his mind worrying about you and the pups. He even went into a rut over it. He was still in a rut this morning, and I had to give him another dose of suppressants because he didn't want to hurt you, or exhaust you" "He didn't tell me that" "Because he insisted you sleep all day, then you promptly had a fight with him" "I didn't want to have a fight with him" "Look. I told him if it bothers him, he doesn't have to come" "You weren't going to invite him in the first place, were you?" "No. I thought I'd he wanted to break up" "You two are so fucking frustrating" "Now you sound like Levi. He's always calling me a stubborn shit" "You are. And so is he. I'm not letting either of you leave until you sort this out" "You can't do that" "Yes I can. Levi! Eren says he's sorry!" "Hanji!" Levi abandoned trying to pull Viren off the ground "If he's sorry, what do I do about Viren?!" Stupid Hanji. He was still working things out in his head "Let him cry it out!" "What?!" "He said to let him cry it out!" "But he's crying!" "Over the swing! Seriously, he'll stop if you stop giving him attention" Levi didn't seem to sure, but as he walked away from Viren, Viren continued to cry "Are you sure I'm supposed to leave him be?" "He's crying over a swing, Levi. He'll be fine. Anyway. Eren is going to dance and you're going to watch. Ok? Good" His alpha frowned "You talked to Hanji about this? But not me" "I didn't talk to Hanji. She shoved her opinions on me" "That sounds about right. I didn't mean to make you feel bad, especially after last night. It's not easy to stop worrying about you" "You don't need to worry so much. We literally got the best news yesterday. And you're going back to work. And, I've been dancing off and on for years. It's what make me happy" "I know it is. I'm happy your dancing makes you happy. You won't be... what are you wearing?" "I'm covered, and I've worn less on stage before. Besides there's going to be kids in the audience" "So more than underwear?" If it was a costume issue, they could have talked about what he was going to wear... he'd let his alpha help dress him if it helped with Levi's anxieties and worries "Yes, Levi. More than just my underwear. It'll be a little skimpy, but everything will be covered" "I guess it's ok then... but how covered is covered?" "More covered than last night" "There wasn't much covered last night" "Exactly. Look, I have a few ideas, but my junk will be covered" "And your stomach?" "It depends how much I'm showing. I don't want to wear anything too loose" "See. Eren knows what he's doing. Now, Viren's birthday party is coming up. Did you want to have a combined baby shower?" "Levi. Make her stop. There's only so much I can take" "Hanji, leave him alone" "But cake?"

[cemesfalmouthintern-blog]

My mini monastic experience

Happy bank holiday Monday, dear friends! I hope that you are enjoying the weather wherever you are (I won’t brag about the beautiful Cornish sunshine, although it is yet another glorious day here…!) and making the most of the long weekend. As these things tend to go, when I had lots of time to write blog posts at the beginning of my time here there wasn’t much to write about, but now that I’m busy and have lots of things that I could share with you, I haven’t got the time to write about it! But I hope that this update-come-reflection on my recent monastic experience will give you lots to think about and satisfy some of your burning questions.

Firstly, here’s a few things that have happened in our community over the past few weeks:

Sophie and Christine (my fellow interns) have both been recommended for training for ordination! Having been to their BAPs (Bishops’ Advisory Panel – a selection conference which is the final stage of the discernment process, the result of which is the panel advisors recommending, or not, the participants for training to their sponsoring bishop) in April, Christine and Sophie are the second and third interns, respectively, since the Truro Diocesan Internship Scheme began to have been sent to a BAP and subsequently recommended for training. I myself am still working through the process of discernment with the relevant people in Truro Diocese, and will keep you all updated if it is decided that I am to be sent to a BAP too, or if other options are to be explored.

I have finished my placement at St Petroc’s Society in Truro, term has finished for the evening classes I have been sitting in on, and I am busy getting stuck in to parish life and other things whilst arranging my next placement. I’ve been incredibly fortunate to experience many events, activities and goings-on in the diocese which I would not be able to were I not on the internship, so I am very grateful for the vast array of experiences that I am getting.

We have had visits from a number of potential new interns to start in September. We have one person confirmed as joining myself next year, and have others who have expressed interest, whose application forms we are waiting to receive, or who are coming to visit for an interview shortly. Watch this space!

One particularly interesting event that has occurred in the past few weeks is our community retreat-come-monastic experience which myself, my fellow interns, and our warden and deputy warden took earlier this month. We spent a full week in the beautiful setting of St Mary’s Abbey, West Malling (Kent), living alongside the community of Benedictine nuns who calling Malling Abbey their home. Our days revolved around participating in most of the seven offices (Vespers, Lauds, Terce, Sext, None, Vespers and Compline – these are different types of prayers) and daily Eucharist, participating in prayer, work and study alongside the sisters. As an example, our days typically looked like this:

6:50am – Lauds, followed by ‘cell time’ (time to tidy and relax in our rooms)

7:25am – Eucharist, followed by a ‘talking’ breakfast in our kitchen and free time

10:30am – tea in our kitchen

11am – Lectio with Sr. Anne

12pm – Sext

12:35pm – dinner (eaten in silence with the sisters in the refectory), followed by work (weeding in the kitchen garden, washing up, cleaning the scullery etc.)

3pm – None, followed by tea in refectory

4pm – study (a session of teaching led by one of the sisters)

4:45pm – Vespers, followed by prayer time in the church or in our cells

6:30pm – supper (eaten in silence with the sisters in the refectory)

7:30pm – Compline

By 9pm (for me!) – bed!

 My time at Malling Abbey was insightful, eye-opening and profound. I learnt much about the monastic life: its rules, quirks and habits (pun intended!), as well as its sense of deep-rootedness, its prayer life that seems as easy and rhythmic as breathing, and the people who are drawn to it. I entered the enclosure thinking that I understood the monastic life in theory but unsure as to why so many people are drawn to it… I left a week later realising that I could not truly know the monastic life unless I experienced it fully for myself, but wiser about why some people are drawn to it! I found my time at Malling Abbey very moving, but cannot yet put into words why or what exactly I felt whilst I was there – was it a sense of peace, of being drawn closer to God, of realising that my worries are insignificant in the grand scheme of things, of knowing that I am on the right path, of contentment, or all of the above?! I cannot yet say because for me the experience was an emotional one, and emotions are often so hard to put into words; all that I can express now is that somewhere in my being I felt that I was where God had intended for me to be at that time. To end this blog post, I would like to share with you some words from an entry in my journal that I wrote whilst sat in my favourite spot in the abbey grounds:

“This week has proved both fascinating and hugely thought-provoking, and whilst I believe that my calling lies in drawing others into deeper relationships with God, coming alongside people of all walks of life and journeying with them, and sharing the good news of God’s love with those who are yet to perceive it, the time that I have spent here at Malling Abbey has given me a greater appreciation for the monastic life and those called to it, has given me the space and time to draw near to God, and given me tools, resources and techniques to bring into my daily life. I hope and pray that it will not be long before I return here.”

[brainsinmyheadfeetinmyshoes]

Three weeks postpartum & preschool

Oh man, I better get writing. So many little things.

Celia is growing so quickly. When she was first born, for about a week, she would flinch every time she was touched. Like she really wasn’t used to it, haha. I just don’t want to forget that little quirk of hers, since it was so short-lived.

As her tears came in last week, she appeared to have clogged tear ducts because both eyes would get goopy. Apparently it’s pretty common and can persist up to a year. I swabbed them routinely but nothing seemed to really do the trick until I put breastmilk in them. One eye seemed to clear up immediately, the other got much better but kept gooping up for the next few days. Last night, the membrane must have opened though, because I haven’t had to swab either eye all day. Hooray! Even though it’s harmless, eye goop looks pretty gross.

We still haven’t given her a bath, just wiped her down as needed (neck folds, leg creases, under arms) but I think today is the day. I’m excited because I think she’ll enjoy it.

She’s still pretty low-maintenance with periods of tanking up, gas, diaper blowouts, and sleep. They’re not predictable patterns but she’ll spend time looking at the high-contrast books, and tries to lift her head up now, in the waking periods, so that’s fun for everyone.

I’m feeling pretty well recovered. So much so, that I’m shocked to realize that it’s still only been 3 weeks and some change since I pushed a baby out. That’s the miracle of childbirth, for sure. I just feel so... normal?! most of the time. Yesterday, I was on my feet for probably six hours. I could NEVER do that pregnant. Cooking meals is a semi-welcome endeavor now, because I have more than a shred of energy to put some time into it. When I wash dishes, the freaking knobs on the cabinet doors no longer press painfully into my abdomen. Many of my non-maternity shirts, skirts, and dresses are fitting again (pants and shorts, not yet). Most importantly, with Lucian having started preschool (more below), I’m going to do 30min of walking every weekday for the month of September, and hopefully October too. I can push Lionel in the stroller and wear Celia. Yesterday was my first day and man, I was BEAT. As ho-hum as a walk seems, it was a serious workout. I was very tired, glistening with sweat, my muscles felt engaged the rest of the day, and I was a little sore this morning. Even though I don’t much care for walking, and it’s inconvenient to do it with two kids, I want to take advantage of nice weather, and jump right into improving my baseline fitness/health. 

ALSO, I think my gestational diabetes has resolved in record time. Thirst was an obvious signal whenever I would overdue the carbs/sugar during pregnancy and I’ve still had extreme thirst since Celia was born, but there are many reasons for it--losing all the excess pregnancy water with heavy sweating, and lactation requiring more, to name two. But in the last few days, my thirst has become manageable, so I began to suspect the GD was gone (despite being quoted a 6-8 week target for resolution). After breakfast this morning (a muffin and banana, two no-no’s during pregnancy, and a death knell in combination, surely putting me in the 160-180 range I would guess), my blood sugar was at a model 105. I’ll keep checking here and there, but I’m pretty thrilled at not feeling like I’m harming my body if I put a piece of fruit in my mouth, let alone a cookie or boba smoothie.

So, Lucian started preschool last Thursday. We had a whole, painful, nauseating saga early in the week because we were offered a spot at our chosen Montessori school for him. I was THRILLED. We’ve watched our waitlist number dwindle down and I was so excited at the prospect of a) Montessori, and b) early dismissal. (Most schools go until 3:15-4pm in the area, even for PK3, because it’s easier for parents who work, but it’s such an unnecessarily long day for the age.) But lo and behold, they require kids to be potty trained. And Lucian simply is not. He’s been wearing underpants at least one day a week for three months, sometimes more, but hasn’t been motivated by any of our half-hearted training attempts. M&Ms, stickers, “isn’t that icky on your bottom,” and big boy underpants just haven’t done the trick. But in the last week before school, he started wearing them every day. He’d use the toilet maybe 4 times, and go in his underpants 1-2 times. I was tempted to enroll him anyway, with the thought that maybe he would move away from diapers if he had a school=underpants association, the social pressure, and the reinforcement from teachers, but in my heart of hearts I knew that was wrong, and Erik said he would never have allowed it anyway. That would have been a ton of potential trauma/pressure, when starting school is momentous/stressful enough anyway. And more urgently, if we were asked to pull him from the school, we would have NO other seats open to us. So I cried and cried. Sobbed. Then declined the offer. We were SO disappointed. And disappointment is just such a bitch of an emotion. The irony is that Montessori is all about child-led learning, and we’re letting our child lead on the one thing that disqualifies him from child-led education. Such BS. The other bit of irony is that he’s probably going to be totally toilet-trained within a few weeks at any school, because he’s riiiiiight there. Boo hiss. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about the whole thing now. Just totally burns me.

But la-dee-dah, he started PK3 at our local default public school. It’s not a bad/unsafe/dangerous school whatsoever. But having taught Montessori, that is my preference. And being a bilingual household, a bilingual school would also be my preference. Oh well. The DC school lottery is a special beast and we simply didn’t win the lottery.

He’s taking school really hard. He’s such a sensitive/clingy little guy, and has never been in a social setting like this, so we expected a big adjustment and we’re getting it. The first day he cried allllll day and didn’t pee/poop until evening. He was also starving when he got home, even though he’d eaten much of his lunch. The second day, he peed once on the toilet (at the insistence of the teacher) and told me he only cried two times. The teacher asked us to print out a wallet-sized family photo to keep in his pocket. The third day (yesterday), the teacher said he cried 80% of the time, but the 20% that he didn’t was good. The minute he saw us, he said, “I miss you so much today, Mama. Lionel, I’m back from school. I miss you so much. Where my daddy?” So he’s definitely taking in language from the teachers (we’re having to press him to keep using Papi instead of Daddy, so we’ll see how long that lasts.) He only peed once again, and only when coerced, and the minute we went through the door at home, he torrentially wet his pants. Today, he woke up with a runny nose, and his crying started in the car rather than at the classroom door. He said he peed his pants while in the carseat, but I think now it was a ploy to go home, because he was dry, and I told him his teachers had a change of clothes for him anyway. He asked to sleep and sleep at school, so maybe the runny nose will become a worse illness, or maybe it was another ploy. At the classroom, he agreed to pee in the toilet and exclaimed how hungry he was, all through dramatic tears, so I don’t know what to make of it all. He’s cheerful/unscathed at home, and doesn’t even act exhausted (though he looks it). And the cutest thing of all, even through his pitiful weeping one of the days, he consistently used please, thank you, excuse me, etc. It was precious. Anyway, I’m definitely able to detach and stay strong through this adjustment, but I’ll be so relieved when crying at drop-off is behind us. It’s just such a raincloud for starting the day.

Lionel is adjusting too, and definitely seems vaguely bored. He’s always been good at self-entertaining, but seems to want to interact with me more than usual, probably to make up for not having Lucian around. but it’s been refreshing to spend a bit more time watching him, since it’s evident when his wheels are turning, and gives me more patience/understanding when I see that in fact, he IS doing what I asked, just in a circuitous way, and I shouldn’t rush him. I need to be conscious of actively spending time with him, since it’s easy to feel like I get a break when I only have one of the boys. But we’ll find a rhythm soon. Today is only the second day I’m flying solo with all three kids all day, and I don’t have my footing yet. I’m starting from scratch with a new routine that includes school pickup/dropoff, a newborn, a new naptime, a workout, and meal prep, so understandably, it doesn’t resemble our free-flow from before. But little by little.

[helenanutrition]

Here is my first little rambling. Important details: I am Helena, I’m 22, I’m a new graduate dietitian and I quite suddenly find myself working in a remote town in the Northern Territory. It’s hectic.

I don’t quite know how to put into words what it’s like to have moved from white middle-class suburban Melbourne, to Tennant Creek.

So far it has been a lot of firsts. Perhaps most obviously, it is my first job as a qualified dietitian. And despite this being a huge milestone and learning experience in and of itself, I’ve found that it’s essentially taken a backseat to the other intensely challenging and confronting situations that are just the norm in remote Australia.

I feel like my life here is extraordinarily removed from how I was living in Melbourne. And it’s interesting. I used to be surrounded by people with day-to-day concerns that always seemed mildly trivial, but now seem so very far away that I couldn’t imagine them ever crossing my own mind or the minds of the people here. Things like whether to get hair extensions or buy an investment property or call that guy. Not that these things are unimportant, but I guess it’s hard to conceptualize them existing as rational issues when the problems in Tennant Creek are so much more basic and raw. Problems that at their core, are purely survival. Problems like food insecurity. Over-crowded housing. Poverty. Infectious, communicable diseases. Infectious, communicable diseases going untreated and developing into lifelong chronic conditions. Domestic abuse, family violence, racism, trauma.  

The day I first arrived in Tennant Creek, I was shown to my temporary accommodation: a small portable building in the block behind the pub. They pointed out some broken bottles scattered around on the ground, gestured to the pub and told me that it might be a bit noisy tonight. I laughed it off, knowing that everyone gets a bit rowdy on the weekends – nothing new. Then they turned on the air conditioning (it was about forty degrees outside) and left. On their way out casually telling me to stay inside, lock the door and here is the police phone number. Oh and if anyone tries to come in just tell them to go away (it was 4pm).

At this point, some anxiety set in. Who knew what the hell I was getting into. Was it really unsafe for me to leave the house in broad daylight on a Sunday afternoon?

As the weeks rolled by, this anxiety started to disappear. I got more settled. I realized that just like anywhere, I just need to keep my wits about me and not get involved in other peoples’ conflicts. I would be fine.

But even though I no longer feel anxious about things, I do feel despair and helplessness run through me on a regular basis. I am beginning to understand the harsh reality of life for many people in Australia. I still feel really removed from it all, because there is a clear difference between some of the community members here. I fall into the camp of the (mostly) young wealthy white people temporarily living in Tennant Creek. I am fortunate – I have had an education, I receive a generous salary and I live in a two bedroom house in a relatively quiet part of town. On the other side of the coin, there is a large portion of the community that consists of Aboriginal people native to Tennant Creek. There are people who are well off and hold down jobs and live in comfortable houses, and yet, plenty are non-working, potentially unskilled, and living in such very poorly maintained houses amongst two or three other families. Often even those who do work, and who we would likely believe should be able to get themselves out of a seemingly dire situation are crippled by their obligations to family and custom and remain swamped by the side-effects of poverty. I’m learning that Aboriginal culture is one that seems to live by the mantra of ‘what is mine is yours’, whereby one person’s efforts and earnings are not their own. Inextricably linked are the ferociously strong family values. If someone asks, you will provide. And you are your sister’s children’s mother. It takes a village to raise a child here.

Perhaps what I’m trying to get at, is that Aboriginal culture is in itself beautiful and amazing and valuable and above all very generous. But it’s a culture that is backfiring on its own people as they struggle to try and navigate through this Western society where we enforce our own values. We, as non-Aboriginal people, seem to intrinsically understand that it is every man for themselves. You make your own way. But that doesn’t work for them, because they are constantly still trying to give everyone else a leg-up. It’s hard, for me anyway, to totally understand this, in the sense that I could never see myself doing the same. I never felt selfish, but now I reconsider. And I mean, I still haven’t put together all of the pieces of the puzzle, but at this particular point in time, this is one of the factors I understand to contribute to almost third world conditions that many people in Tennant Creek live in.

And someone asked me the other day whether the people seem miserable.

This was interesting to think about for a while. I don’t know. Should they feel miserable? Yes, life is marred by disease and lack of money and familial conflicts. But then again, is this only the side that I see as an outsider looking in? And particularly, as a health practitioner where I tend to see people at their worst.

So yes, people I see in clinic can seem deflated and unhappy. But who’s smiling when they’ve been told to see the dietitian because they’re overweight and their health is failing?

But, there is certainly happiness. When I go for a walk, I notice that not only will I be acknowledged by every single person I walk by, but they will be so damn enthusiastic about it. I’ve never had such a cheery good morning greeting from a stranger. It’s hard not to feel right at home in those moments. And hard to imagine that anyone has anything on their mind except enjoying the sun on their face as they sit around with family and friends and watch the world go by.

But sometimes as well, I see some hideous things. A girl being bashed outside a car, the screaming and awfulness ingrained in my memory. People on the street positively drunk when it’s only early afternoon on a weekday. Driving past a town camp being reminded of the squalor. There are not enough houses – three large families might all be living under the one roof – and you can see that the furniture has been destroyed and rubbish litters the whole surrounds. Receiving referrals for babies and children who aren’t growing and have anaemia, maybe because they have worms, and others who have rheumatic heart disease, maybe because they recurrently had scabies and eventually it got sinister. Referrals for people have diabetes and ‘are eating all the wrong foods’ but who tell me that they don’t have equipment in their kitchen, or their food is eaten by other people in the family, or they can’t afford to buy the things they know they should, or the IGA doesn’t even have them. How do I blame them for going to the takeaway shop when they’ve got some money?

So are they miserable? I don’t know. But I kind of think that it’s the same as anywhere – we all get caught up in our day-to-day problems. Only like I said, the problems here are amplified and almost primitive. So like always, we enjoy the moments, but there will always be something hanging over you.