#i have to write a mini essay for the project too actually which fucking sucks

[bitterpngs]

after trying to write my 20 page essay i had to take a break and it’s so hard extracting myself from that break mentality. i do not want to finish these courses.

[prettyloudpracticeblog]

It’s taken me until recently to realize that I equate ease with skill, and the accompanying inverse belief is that lack of ease is lack of skill. I used to be really good at writing. It used to come easily to me, like a lot of things, and these days I find it’s not as easy to write as I found it to be in high school. I cast too heavy of a judgement upon myself and everything that I do, at worst to the point of convincing myself it’s not worth trying the thing or anything at all. So it comes with great courage and energy that I get this blog post written

This blogging experience has continued the theme of the past week. I was concerned about writers block so I tried to freewrite in a stream of consciousness style with my eyes closed. I felt confident I would be able to interpret and edit my babblings later, but when I peeked to check how much I had written…

There was nothing on the page.

Ok, cool, not surprised, I must not have clicked on the page to place my cursor there, oops.I clicked in the Google Doc and the cursor blinked. I closed my eyes and tried to capture my thoughts succinctly and accurately as they flowed- rather, dribbled. But only at first. I found myself capturing ideas and feelings and reflections and a nice starting point to build a nice internet essay. After a couple minutes I peeked to see…

>What do i want to write

>A blog summarizing my twitch experiencee so far

Hwat.

It turns out that the touch pad on my new laptop is super, well, touchy. The fleshy pads at the base of my thumbs keep touching the upper corners of the track pad and causing the cursor to leap up the page. I suppose I must have used the backspace key at some point while my eyes were closed because the accidental highlighting of a longass paragraph like this is the only explanation.

I sighed. This wasn’t worse than anything I’d survived this week.

Like When I set up my gear to get everything balanced on the soundboard, only to discover that the soundboard’s software is all screwy, making it incompatible with my new computer.

When the camera got knocked out of place cuz I’m a goofball and have many much hair

When the internet went out hallfway through my program, or i started dropping more frames the louder I got

When my back started to ache because my chair was too tall and my keyboard was too low

When my new schedule gave me a busier morning than I anticipated and I returned home in the same moment I was supposed to go live, with my piano in my trunk and a mighty rumble in my stomach

When i got a new follower and came to realize mid-stream that i left the alert box behind the second mini camera i added last minute before going live, so when i hear the new follower alert sound for the first time ever I have no fucking clue what just happened

So many things went wrong and that’s not even considering frustrations that I had within practice itself

Yesterday when the stream started dropping over half the frames and I decided to call it for the day, I was really relieved to have time to get something to eat and clean up my warzone of a room. It’s a huge point of shame for me that I’m almost 27 and struggle to keep or get my room clean when it’s cluttered in an immobilizing way. I had to tiptoe around my own belongings, and this morning it was a bitch to set up the boom mic stand that I clip my webcam to because of the scarcity of clear floor. But I also felt bad because I was taking attention and energy away from what I had originally intended to invest it in. I felt like I wasn’t trying hard enough.

I write a lot about mental health, in the music within our current repertoires a band as well as new stuff I’ve written which needs further realization and practice. A lot of what we play right now is about being in the thick of the struggle, being weighed down by the symptoms of depression and anxiety. But I’ve come recently to explore the idea of one’s thoughts influencing and even creating one’s own reality. I’ve been thinking that perhaps, instead of fixating my musical thoughts on [how much it sucks to not be able to choose between all the pressing matters I need to spend my last spoon on], I should write some songs about growth. About making mistakes. About parenting myself. About doing the work to mentally defrag my brain. About setting goals as well as setting boundaries. I won’t grow from a “woe is me” attitude, and I won’t grow if I believe I’m not cut out for this either

I’m doing my absolute best to stay positive in spite of all the challenges, but it’s only going well because I’m in the mindset that I’m learning and doing my best and i’m staying active and not wasting time that I truly can spare towards my endeavors. People I meet who WORK in music are ALWAYS working; from what I’ve seen and been told, the successful ones never slow down and never stop. Always gigging, always promoting, always posting and practicing and writing and dreaming and planning and I feel like I’m not cut out for it sometimes because I have to have time to slow down dude.

Or do I just think I need to have down time?

How does an individual KNOW when they’re trying their best? How do you know you’re seeing someone try their best and truly giving all they’ve got? You can never know how much another person has to give, but I’m finding it surprisingly hard to evaluate whether I’ve done a noteworthy, worthwhile amount of work or not, whether I’ve earned a break or not, whether I actually need a break or just feel like doing things I like.

But music is the thing I like. I love playing and practicing and teaching and learning and writing. And I love it when people see what I’m doing and interact with me and my Internet endeavors. I love it when people connect to my music because they can relate. And that’s why I want people to listen to my music, because of a connection and appreciation. I find it hard to keep a social media presence as a musician because, with the ways our social platforms are saturating and evolving. I kind of NEED people to care; if they don’t go out of their way to wonder about me and manually check all my posts, the way to get through to fans with news (eg, of a show) is through a monetary investment in an advertising boost, or through posting every single day on their personal accounts, spamming groups, and direct messaging.

I fear that people will begin to tire of me if I post too much. I fear they will believe I only see them as valuable to the point where they benefit my music career. I fear being perceived as two faced, shallow, or insincere. I fear being tuned out because I only ever post about one thing.

But one thing I’ve learned about fear is that it only ever eats at your insides and doesn’t nurture, doesn’t help you grow. Being afraid to share my story and be present with my music is one of many mistakes I’m growing past this year. I’ve already grown in my problem solving abilities on this project so far, and it’s because I’m coming to accept myself as I am instead of holding myself back because of “unreadiness” or “imperfection.”

Nothing is ever going to be perfect. Why expect yourself to be perfect? Why expect your work to be perfect? The flaws serve a purpose: to show you where and how to grow. I’m reviewing the footage from the past few days and coming to some awesome realizations about myself as a pianist BECAUSE I can see the signs pointing me in the direction of growth. I will be successful if I continue to meet myself where I am, set realistic goals and workloads, and keep writing about it.

I appreciate you reading all of my thoughts. I appreciate you accompanying me on this journey. With each passing week there will be more and more for me to share with you, and it means the world to me to not be alone. Keep working hard, I’ll see you next week.

[semi-sketchy]

the-gitz replied to your post                                                                                

Gee, thanks for that generalization there! Nice to know I, and anyone else who actually do like him, apparently don’t exist at all, and then backpedaling. Thanks for continuing to help assholes feel validated for constantly giving people like me in the fandom shit for actually liking him as a character. Also, fuck you with that whole, “HE CAN’T FEEL LONELY BECAUSE HE’S GOT MONEY AND PEOPLE AROUND HIM” manipulative bullshit.          

Many people who suffer from depression(like me), or feel like they have no one to truly confide in, have friends and family with them, yet they still feel like they want to put a bullet through their temple! Being called “attention seeking” or told to just suck it up because others “have it worse” than me is the same shit people told me growing up, and I was not financially well off and still not!                             

It’s still a valid emotion or personal problem, and you and the rest of the fandom can take that shitty fucking mindset and shove it! Next you’re going to tell me there’s starving children in Africa!                             

Alright, so thank you for leaving that long comment chain and thank you even more for messaging me. I gotta answer this because this is honestly amazing.

Dude...you need to calm down. I don’t like Chris, alright? I made a joke about how Chris is a generally hated character and referenced Sonic Boom. Me saying I don’t like Chris isn’t giving you any shit. I stand by that he’s not a great character, but that’s also my opinion and the fact that I formed a negative opinion on a character you like has no affect on your life whatsoever and is not a form of attacking you. You project onto him? Whatever, I said in my post that was probably his purpose, which is seeming why we aren’t getting along right now.

I never said that he couldn’t feel lonely, just the idea to go to such an extreme as to ruin the universe to avoid losing a friend. Even Eggman scolded Chris for being selfish and wanting to keep Sonic around. What Chris did was wrong and it was outlined in the show.

Alright, I gotta show the messages you sent, this is incredible. I hope you don’t mind me sharing, after all you seem pretty passionate about proving your point.

Gee, thanks for that generalization there! Nice to know I, and anyone else who actually do like him, apparently don't exist at all. Thanks for continuing to help assholes feel validated for constantly giving people like me in the fandom shit for actually liking him as a character.

Also, no. Amy Rose is the terrible character in Sonic X, for reasons I stated before in the past and still stick to. She's a god awful one actually, and was much worse and insufferable Chris and Cosmo ever were.

There were so many links I couldn’t put them here, my god you sure are passionate about how bad Amy is in X and having to prove your opinion is fact when you’re going after me for the exact same reason. I like Amy in X because she has spunk, alright? I miss that in her modern day counterpart. Amy is one of my favorite characters while I noticed on one my the many links you sent, she’s in your top 5 hated characters. So, differing opinions there.

You can especially take that, "Well he had school friends and family members, so still feeling like he had nobody is invalid!" and shove it! It's basically, "But there's starving children in Africa!", manipulative bullshit people use to shut down others when. Just because someone may have it better than others doesn't make their emotions or personal invalid! That's the same shit people would say to guilt me into feeling like I had no right to vent my emotional problems, whenever I actually tried to speak up on how I felt growing up. And my family was not that financially well off! But because other people "have it worse" than I did, that apparently my problems didn't matter!

And that's exactly what Cream did to him, when he dared tried to be upset over his mother leaving early to shoot a last minute role during a time where she was actually at home with him. Yet you're all shocked and butthurt when he inevitably snapped when someone he felt like he could confide in was about to leave forever!

I never said his emotions were invalid, I said his actions were uncalled for. He had a supportive group of people to fall back on.

God forbid a child character actually be flawed and not act like a miniature adult or a mini-Satan for once!

Yes, I agree we need better child characters, however I don’t think Chris is that.

I'm projecting? Probably. You bitter ass Sonic fans clearly are whenever you use Chris' financial status against him for why he should have just continued to keep things pent up and continued to wear a false smile, so I think it's fair when I see people like talk about things you clearly haven't personally experienced in your life or childhood.

I never did though? I said his parents were rich sacks of shit and that him being rich was a plot device so the cast could basically do whatever without the question of “where are they getting the funds?” That’s not anything against him at all and I don’t think Chris being rich was a bad thing.

Also, assuming I’ve never had to fake a smile, tsk tsk, you aren’t special, sweetie. I get you’ve had a tough time, but degrading others without even knowing them. I don’t have to expose my entire life to the internet to have my feelings validated nor do I want to. It’s my business and nobody else’s.

And I'm not saying any of this as a matter of opinion, either. I'm saying it as a matter of fact.

Oh boy let’s get the popcorn I smell a rant.

Oh, but NOBODY in the Sonic fandom likes him, according to you. So I guess I'm just some computer program, or you're just going to call me a "fan brat".

No? I’ve seen lots of people who like him. That’s why I put “some people like him” followed by “I’m not one of those people.” Look, you’ve got your own opinion and I might be able to respect it more if you didn’t come and yell at me, assuming aspects of my personality and life based on my dislike of a character.

How about you, and everyone else, stop writing about your personal problems online and just shut up and suck it up? According to you, you have no right to ever feel depressed or emotionally down for whatever reason, or act out, because there's that have it worse than you.

A. Someone asked me and I answered. I didn’t vent about personal problems, I gave my opinion when it was asked. B. I have never said and never will say that people can’t be upset because someone has it harder. The people who say that use it to invalidate and shut down people and it doesn’t solve any problems. There’s a quote I like that goes: “You almost drowned in deep water and I almost drowned in shallow water, but in the end, we both almost drowned.”

Oh, but woe is you to be disappointed by something in a piece of media, and not be constantly given a hard time or not be acknowledged by the fandom for it! Poor baby!

Maybe people wouldn’t give you a hard time if you didn’t come and yell at them about their disappointment in said media.

At least fucking wait to actually know things about a character before I decided if I like them or not, unlike you going all "PWOTECT THIS BABBY" about an upcoming lemur character that we know absolutely nothing about outside of superficial details!

I’ve watched the show since I was like, 12. I’ve seen it a good 6 times now, I think I know what I like and don’t like in these characters.

And yeah, I like Tangle so far. Her design is appealing and I fail to see how being excited for a character and reblogging a piece of fanart, tagging it “protect this baby” is wrong. It’s a thing people say, heck I might end up hating her, I don’t know, just I’m enjoying myself and enjoying what the fandom is creating with the news of this new character. Ya gotta be a spoilsport?

Yeah, no. Chris and Cosmo are the ones who actually need protecting, or hell, need to be armed!

Shhh! You’re bringing up guns on Tumblr! Don’t you know that’s a bad idea?!

But again, the average Sonic fan only likes and dislikes characters based more on what they and not who they are. So thank you for continuing to prove that point of mine.

But like...I never said that or even talked to you before.

Alright, that’s where the messages end. I might have had some respect for you if you didn’t block me immediately after you sent all this. You make allegations against me, both publicly and in private chat, then don’t even give me the courtesy to talk it out with you? That’s low.

Also, you’re far too involved with this. I understand you’ve had a rough time and some people might’ve attacked you for liking Chris, however that’s just as wrong as what you did here. Seeing parts of a character in you and relating to them is fine, although when that character becomes your identity it underlines a problem. You need to take a step back and disconnect yourself from this because it’s clearly causing you grief.

You sent me an entire paper about how you’re right and I’m wrong, but... I actually think I was pretty fair on Chris and gave a mostly constructive opinion. I don’t like him, I stated why, and this act of yours was entirely uncalled for, a lot like Chris stopping Sonic from going home. So you like him, okay, good for you, I like unpopular characters too, but I don’t send people essays about how they’re shitty because they don’t like Marine the Raccoon. You can’t present your opinions as fact and I never did.

All I said is I don’t like this character. You act like I threw a grenade in your house and kidnapped your wife. Just learn to chill out, stop taking these things to heart. Someone’s opinion on something you like doesn’t define you.