#i have to unpack all the albums to see if it will work. and im going to drag every guest to the specific shelf in the corner of the room

[witchblade]

rearranged one shelf to make it a dedicated nmixx shelf

[shoujo-wizard]

Hallmark movie AU steddie A/B/O ft kitchenwitch!Steve im calling it "Bewitched by Yuletide"

A!Eddie O!Steve

@lexirosewrites this has turned into a drabble oops

Eddie ends up making it big time with the corroded coffin guys, except after nine albums together they're not getting along very well. it all comes to a head during a long flight out of Europe back to the US, and when their private plane landed, the band had agreed there was no more band. they gave a final concert in the US. so eddie finds himself at a crossroads. he still had his money, he still had his fame, and he still had the connections of a rock star. he could launch a solo career, get writing a debut solo album, make the right calls to people with the right taste, he could be very successful for at least one album. except as eddie thought it through more and more, he just felt tired. he didnt want to write anything, he didnt want to play another electric guitar solo, and he didn't want to go through the promotion process. he didn't want to attend award shows, not even to host. the spotlight was fantastic, but on the flight back to the US Felix had pose them all a question

"do we really want to do this for the rest of our lives?"

eddie didn't want to. he felt adrift, not sure what he really wanted to do for the rest of his life, with all the money they'd made. then he gets a call from his Uncle Wayne; he'd fallen and was in the hospital for the last 2 days. he emphasizes he's fine, just ended up hitting his head hard. a friend is taking care of him till the worst of the concussion symptoms resolve. he tells Eddie his door is always open to him. so eddie books a flight and is in the small town of Hawkins by the next morning.

wayne gives him directions that are of little help, but he writes them down just in case. he pulls into the driveway of Wayne's farmhouse, and the old man is sitting on his front porch in a wicker rocking chair. he hands Eddie a coffee mug & motions to the other chair then the thermos sitting on the small table. so eddie sits to fill his mug instead of doing anything reasonable like turn off his car or at least close the driverside door. It has gotten to late autumn now. halloween is approaching. eddie drinks a mug of coffee in silence before he starts a conversation.

"do I want to do this for the rest of my life?" eddie watches the wind move through the fir trees.

"whatever you want to do, son, just know you'll always have a place in my life." is what wayne hums back.

Wayne is situated inside comfortable on the couch. his uncle lets him know that his friend will be coming by after he finishes work to bring him dinner. Eddie says to let this 'Harrington' know tht he'd like to be added to the dinner guest list. wayne just chuckles like he knows something Eddie doesn't.

even later when the sky is turning dark a new car pulls up outside the farmhouse. Wayne hollers that it's "steve and robin" right before the front door is bursting open to let in the cold air, and two people eddie's never met before. eddie wants to ask them to sit down, but then a broad shouldered Adonis with his neck wrapped in a pink scarf is moving around him to the kitchen as if he does so everyday. an alpha woman with a choppy bob is completely disinterested in him, instead she's sitting with Wayne engaging him patiently in conversation while the noises in the kitchen continue to grow.

eddie expects a lot of things when he walks into his uncle's kitchen. None of them could've prepared him to walk into a room permeated with the scent of apples. to see the adonis from the doorway without his pink scarf or coat. his hair is a cresting wave, and he moves assuredly around the space. he's unpacking several canvas picnic bags, which makes Eddie pause because he's sure that the omega in the kitchen had only entered with a large dutch oven in his hands.

they have a short conversation that ends with Eddie offering his help with dinner. Steve declines politely, but Eddie doesn't leave the kitchen exactly. he sits down at the breakfast nook within the room, and engages Steve in conversation. steve asks about the acoustic guitar case among his things at the bottom of the stairs. eddie blinks because he can't remember if he brought his things inside or not. ultimately deciding he must have. eddie admitting his band had broken up, and that he's staying with Wayne for the moment.

the four of them sit down to dinner, and then before Eddie knows it he's in the kitchen cleaning up with Robin. when they get near done steve walks in and starts the coffee maker. then wayne is shuffling cards, and they're eating dessert while sipping at coffee. then before Eddie feels like he can blink Steve and Robin r driving back to Hawkins proper.

Eddie couldn't stop thinking about apples the entire night.

[there's definitely more to say about this AU..... but i think this is a good little set up tht kinda shows the set up]

[I might write more to this but i won't make promises. you'll likely all have to wait till the next Slick Sunday i choose to participate in]

[moseyluvs]

Terlingua Girl - Pt.1

Matty Healy x Cowgirl!OC

A/N: she’s here!! It’s mostly preamble so things make sense in the future but nonetheless she is HEREEEEEE! Enjoy hotties.

Word Count: 1378

Warnings: none.

———

For the first time in a long time, Matty Healy is completely silent. Sitting in the last row of the large black SUV, looking wistfully out the window sits an utterly quiet Matty. Dark curls tousled, eye bags prominent, it's almost unsettling to the rest of the boys on the “detox” that his headphones haven't left his ears since the plane ride here.

He’s in his head, swirling thoughts of past conversations, paths he’d wished he’d taken, Matty is starting to spiral. He can’t get out of his head.

That's why they are on the trip in the first place. No phones, no social media, no civilized society, nothing but making a record on some Texas compound in the middle of the state. He knows it's for his own good, leaving everything behind for a while. Savoring the final moments of his phone he types his passcode in with his thumb almost secretively, almost like he’s ashamed to care that the message sits there at all. He checks his messages one last time, maybe it's changed, and maybe he’ll have to courage to open it.

1 Unopened Message Look Matty I love you it’s just…

He sighs and clicks the power button, taking out his wired headphones to join the lively conversation taking place in the row in front of him.

“-Nah mate im telling you it'll be good, you lot are too accustomed to the city,” says Arthur driving the car, one elbow casually resting on the center console.

He's a producer friend of Jamie’s and has some connection to some property in the country that's “so fucking cool it's mental mate”. He works well with George and after a particularly harrowing cancellation, a weekend plan turned into a summer-long break from the public eye.

“Oh look who decided to join them convo, you done being dramatic?” George smirks turning at the shuffling of Matty putting his headphones in his too-full backpack.

“Fuck off,” Matty mutters not even caring to look up at the blonde.

“It's jokes mate, but god knows you use your mindset for this album well chart!” Ross laughs shifting to face Matty as well.

Giggles are let out amongst the grown men in the car. Matty is not amused in the slightest, a scowl finds its way upon his face. Matty looks up at the men and opens his mouth to rattle off some witty dig when Arthur interrupts.

“Everyone hold on this is where things get a little bumpy” He sharply turns onto a dirt road, and everyone is too busy holding on for their life to continue their tiff.

—----------

They pull up to the compound at dusk after excessively long on the nauseating dirt road. Matty wasn't quite sure what he was expecting, maybe a horror movie house, full of spiders and creaking floorboards but what he was met with was far nicer than anticipated.

The spacious ranch house is surrounded by fields, with a little creek rolling through the property cutting it in half length-wise.

A sprawling deck extends from the back of the house, full of outdoor furniture with a barbeque and a fireplace. Adorning the deck are delicate string lights, their glow illuminating the space warm and inviting, especially as the pink skies fade into pale powdery purples. If he hadn't given up his phone to Arthur a few minutes prior he’d have taken a picture to send to his mom.

It's as he’s surveying the property when he sees it, a small house just on the other side of the creek. He swears he can see a silhouette in the window, lights softly glowing through thin curtains when a hand lands on his back startling him from his discovery.

“Let's go in yeah?” Says Adam with a soft smile. He leads Matty inside one hand on the strap of his own backpack, the other still on Matty's back. Matty shrugs it off and walks beside him in silence breaking apart to claim his room for the future months.

After he gets slightly unpacked and changes out of his travel clothes, the group congregates in the living room to set up where they’ll be physically making the record.

“There’s honestly plenty to do just help yourselves to the land and the house whatever sparks your creative juices you know?” Arthur starts unpacking production equipment, making a makeshift studio while giving his spiel.

“Just don't fuck with the livestock Lou gets all pissy when you fuck with the livestock and I do not want to be yelled at because someone wanted to pet a fucking cow and spooked the whole herd again,” Arthur says sternly, eyes wide.

“Who the fuck is Lou?” Says George, visibly confused.

“Livestock attendant, the compound is technically a vacation house for some rick fucks so they needed somebody to watch the land and keep up the animals,” Arthur explains continuing his grappling with the tapestry. Ross reaches up to help him, pinning it in place immediately. “Thanks, mate.. well that person is Lou”

Matty has no interest in another guy joining their circle, another guy to mess up their dynamic, another guy to mistake as a friend. Adam senses his uncomfortable energy and shoots Ross a look, the bearded man shoots him one back, shrugging.

Matty ignores the worried stares and unspoken comforts and walks to his room without so much as a peep, feet padding along the cold concrete floors.

“We’re worried about him yeah?” says Adam still looking at where Matty stood only seconds ago, as if he left a dark cloud in his path.

“Yeah” Sighs George.

—--

Matty shoots up, sweaty, rigid, and breathless. His legs stick to the white sheets of the bed, crisp cotton turned damp and constricting. The sun is barely peeking over the horizon but the heat of the day has already started. The thick air is filling his lungs, Matty needs a smoke.

Not bothering to change out of the plaid pajama pants and lack of a shirt, he rifles through his backpack pockets searching for his cigarettes. After finding his saving grace in the deepest pocket, he rushes down the long halfway to the back porch frantically lighting his cigarette when he sees her.

She sits on an old wooden fence, all pouty lips, tangled hair, and long legs knocking around in an old pair of cowboy boots. She’s facing the other way toward the pasture, head turned over her shoulder to get a look at the shirtless stranger who looks far too out of place.

Matty rakes through her appearance, light wash cutoffs, and a white tank top you can see through if you squint. She's a gangly little thing really, with freckles upon her cheeks and brown hair bleached a dirty blonde from the sun. She seems unruly, with bruises on her legs, and hands dirtied from caring for the creatures, but she seems…free.

“I take it you’re my new summer neighbor” she breaks the silence, revealing a slight southern drawl, spinning around on the fence to face the man who more so resembles a flustered teenager in the current predicament.

“I’m Lou” she continues cocking her head to the side flicking her eyes to his tattoo-filled abdomen. A slight smirk playing on her pink lips.

It hits Matty that this is the Lou he was worried about. Lou is not a man, she's instead quite possibly the most beautiful girl he's ever seen. Matty feels the need to puff out his chest suddenly self-conscious of the vulnerability, and the shy nature he doesn't typically carry.

“Oh- uh- yeah I guess I am” he manages to choke out.

She grins. There’s a sparkle in her eye, a glint of curiosity. He's something shiny, something new, something to discover.

“Well alright stranger, If you go put on some real clothes I'll show you something cool, yeah?” She states as if he would immediately obey. Matty Healy is no “simp” he doesn't do whatever a chick wants him to do. He is a cold player who calls his own shots. But the way he treks back to his room to throw on a pair of jeans and an old band tee makes him seem quite the opposite.

[jaeyongneo]

what peach are we talking about?

MDNI.

first time writing a fic. go ez on me.. n THIS WAS SOO DELAYED OMG IM SORRY. PS. goofy ahh nct innuendos/ending.

jaehyun x fem!reader & a little bit of jungwoo.

warning: smut, vulgarities, rough sex, unprotected sex (wrap up ur willy silly), manhandling, choking, degrading (whore, slut, bitch), spitting, breeding kink, getting caught.

“i was kinda craving peach to be honest. they’re so juicy and sweet.” jungwoo said, while being sandwiched by jaehyun and y/n.

y/n seemed to enjoy jungwoo’s company a lot, she’d listen to his constant rambles and would always give him snacks since this time, haechan didn’t buy many rice for him. :(

but jaehyun… jaehyun wanted him to get out of their apartment asap. having a hectic schedule after releasing his first ever solo album and knowing he’ll be enlisting soon has made him an absolute horndog, all he wanted was good, quality time with his girlfriend.

“yes, jungwoo. i’m craving peach too.” jaehyun glanced at y/n. he couldn’t grab her ass because jungwoo was in the middle. that made him frustrated.

“let’s go get some then! let’s go to the mart!” jungwoo cheered, standing up.

“i think jaehyun’s tired.. i can go with you, jungwoo.” y/n spoke. jaehyun frowned, eyes turning dark. what the hell was y/n thinking?

“jae.. can i go-?”

“yeah go ahead, it’s not like you guys care about me being tired.”

“jae what-“

“just go.” jaehyun assertively stated. he turned off the tv, got off the couch and headed to their shared bedroom. y/n and jungwoo briefly exchanged looks of concerned and confusion and decided to head out.

“y/n-ah, thanks for getting these peaches with me. but i think i’ll go now, it’s not appropriate for me to stay at a couple’s house or third wheel them. besides, jaehyun looks like he needs time with you, go be with him yeah?” jungwoo said, while patting y/n’s head.

“hmm okay, bye woo!” y/n replied while side-hugging jungwoo.

y/n quietly opened the apartment door, assuming jaehyun was asleep. she placed the bags of snacks on the kitchen counter when she heard jaehyun’s voice.

“done whoring yourself out to my friend? can’t believe you went down to the mart with that skimpy pj shorts too.” he scoffed.

“what’s your problem, jaehyun? ever since you told us you’re gonna be enlisting soon, you’ve been acting like such a bitch! i get that you’re anxious, but come on, i’ve been doing nothing but supporting you!”

jaehyun stood in the corner, watching y/n unpack the bags of snacks. he grabbed her wrist and dragged her to their bedroom. he picked her up and threw her onto their bed.

“jaehyun! what are you doing?”

“i just want quality time with you, y/n. without that goofball around. can’t you see that?”

“jaehyun! you’re insane!”

jaehyun smashed his lips onto y/n’s, he kissed her sloppily and pulled away to look at y/n. jaehyun looked like he was in a trance, he lost it when y/n bit her lil and winked at him, pulling him back in and continuing kissing each other passionately. jaehyun took y/n’s hand and let her feel his throbbing hard on.

“you feel that?” he smirked. y/n whimpered and rubbed her thighs together. jaehyun worked his way down to y/n’s clothed core and ripped her panties apart.

“jaehyun! fuck you!” y/n shrieked. those wear her favourite pair of panties! jaehyun smirked and chuckled, ignoring her grouses. he had such a lustful gleam in his eyes, he pushed two fingers inside, another hand on her neck and y/n gasped.

“you’re already this wet? i haven’t even fucked you yet. such a nasty slut.” jaehyun remarked, obviously ridiculing y/n. her felt her sopping hole clench at his words.

“oh? you like when i call you names? i knew you were such a dumb bitch.” jaehyun added on, quickening his fingers and tightening his grip on y/n’s neck. she felt like she was going to pass out at anytime, but she loved it. it was rare to see jaehyun so angry and worked up. jaehyun pulled his fingers away from y/n’s wet dripping cunt and puts it in her mouth.

“lick it clean baby, you know what i’m about to do now.” jaehyun said while stroking his cock. after y/n cleans up jaehyun’s fingers, he motioned her to open her mouth. he spits in her mouth. shocked, y/n left her mouth wide open still. jaehyun’s spit drips down her mouth very slowly. jaehyun rolls his eyes and grabs y/n by her face while he was still stroking his cock.

“what the fuck are you waiting for? swallow my spit like the slut you are.”

y/n swallows jaehyun’s spit and he snickers darkly. without warning, he rammed his cock inside y/n. y/n didn’t get the chance to whimper or speak, he was already going at such an animalistic speed.

“fucking whore. god, im gonna make sure we have 8 kids. you don’t have to work hard anymore yeah?”

he kept going, y/n moans filled the apartment. the faster and rougher he went, y/n’s head flung back with her mouth wide open. jaehyun took the opportunity to spit in her mouth, lightly slapping her face, signalling her to swallow his spit again.

the couple were too into the moment to realise that someone had just open their door. a faint “jaehyun-ah! y/n! i left my wallet!”

y/n thought she heard something, but she figured she was too fucked out by how rough jaehyun was fucking her. jaehyun’s grunts were hypnotising her and his cock filling her up didn’t help her situation at all. the familiar voice got closer and suddenly…

“jaehyun i left my-“

“ahhh.. it’s okay. i- i will find- find my… uhh wallet-“

“JUNGWOO!” they both hollered.

jungwoo stood by the doorway like this.

sorry if this was so bad i just wanted it to be funny 😭

[cinemastyles-blog]

Next Room Over

Summary: this is an anonymous request - “what about quarantine harry and y/n? they’re strangers and somehow end up quarantining together then having sex with each other.”

Warnings: SMUT18+, strong language, strangers, unprotected sex

Master

QUARENTINE/MUSTACHE HARRY

“Hi, checking in?” The last behind the desk asks, I can’t really tell if she is smiling or not, these masks really block out everything.

I nod, “Yes for y/n y/l/n.”

“Okay. You do understand that we require a five day quarantine, correct?”

I shake my head, “Oh, really? I must have missed that when I booked. That’s fine.”

She nods, “Okay. Give me one moment.”

I look around, everyone has their masks on, following the correct protocol, six feet apart, tapping elbows instead of shaking hands.

Life right now is so weird.

“Okay. You’re all set. Room 342. Just head up there and also, we are going to put a sign on your door that says you are in quarantine, just to let housekeeping know.”

“Okay. Thank you.” I head up to my room and notice there is a a sign in the door next to mine and the initials, H.S. beside the word quarantine.”

“Hmm.” I shrug and open my door, walking in to set my stuff down. I shut and lock the door and look around at my home for the next five days.

As I’m unpacking and getting settled, I hear the strumming of a guitar and light humming. I walk around slowly, trying to figure out where it’s coming from.

I walk over to a door in the middle of the wall and press my ear against it. I smile slightly and listen to the gentle sound coming from the other side.

The humming turns into words, “Thought that we could hide away, in the corner of the heath..” he begins humming again and I step back.

I go over to grab my phone and turn on some quiet music, at least I thought it was quiet.

There’s a knock on the door and I turn slightly, “Which door did that come from?” I ask myself out loud.

“The one on the wall.”

I laugh slightly and grab my mask off the table, hooking it around my ears before I open the door, “Hello?”

A tall man in a black hoodie with a claw clip in his hair is standing there and I can tell he’s smiling, “Hi.”

I smile and nod, “I’m, um, y/n.” I go to hold my hand out but quickly drop it, “Ah, right.”

“I mean, I tested negative, so if it’s alright with you.” He holds his hand out. I smile, “Yeah, I tested negative too.” I grab his hand and wow, his hands are soft.

“So you play guitar?” I ask leaning around him to look into his room, “You have a beautiful voice by the way.”

He smiles and chuckles, “Yes, I do. Thank you. Im actually working on a whole new album.”

“Album?” I question, “Wow, what’s it called?”

He shrugs, “I haven’t really, okay. Im thinking of calling it something like Harry’s House, maybe? Im not sure,”

Harry. Harry. Harry.

“Is your last name Styles, by chance?”

He nods, “Yeeaahh.”

I nod, “Oh wow, I mean, don’t take this wrong but I did not recognize you at first.”

“That’s a compliment, honestly. I’m glad you didn’t. If you opened the door and went completely insane I would have went to a different hotel.”

“I work so much, so I don’t really have time to sit down and read all the gossip, not that you’re go-“

“No, I get it. I mean, you’re not wrong. I hate the media. It’s a bunch of click bait lies that people run with.” He rolls his eyes, “I actually knocked because I heard you were listening to The Chain and I just wanted to tell you that you have a great choice in music.”

I smile, “Thank you. I’ve listened to a few of your songs too, from your first album I think? I’m not sure. They’re pretty good.”

He smiles and tilts his head, “Thanks.” He looks down and chuckles, “So, would you like to come over, I mean, totally up to you, and the six feet regulation and all-“

“I would love to.” I smile and walk over, grabbing my phone, “Do you want me to-“

“Please. I’d like to see what else you have in there.”

I smile and walk past him into his room, not much different than mine.

“Your guitar is beautiful.” I look from the instrument to him and he nods, “Thank you.”

“Do you care if I-“ I point to my mask and he shakes his head, “No go ahead do you mind if I do the same?”

I take mine off and take a deep breathe, “Please do. I hate those things.” I lay it on the table and turn to look at him.

A smile plays with my lips when I see the rest of his face. He’s much more beautiful in person.

“You’re beautiful.” Harry smiles and looks down, “I-um. S-sorry.” He chuckles nervously and shakes his head.

“No, I was actually thinking the same thing.” I laugh slightly and cover my face, “Gosh, I’m so awkward, I’m sorry.”

He shakes his head, “No, no. You’re fine.”

He walks over to me and looks down at me, “I have to admit though, I have this strong urge to kiss you.”

His words make my stomach do a whole 360.

“I’m okay with that.” I nod and smile.

He smiles and his eyes move from my lips to my eyes, “Okay.” He whispers before leaning down, his lips gently press onto mine and I swear to god I heard fireworks.

He pulls back an inch and pauses for a split second before crashing his lips back onto mine, getting out lips to move in perfect sync. I lay my hands on his neck, moaning slightly into his mouth.

“Is this okay?” He asks slightly out of breathe.

“Yes.”

He nods once and brings his lips back to mine, walking me backwards so we can lay on the bed.

There isn’t much talking, just him asking if it’s okay if he does anything and me saying yes each time.

Our clothes quickly come off and he admires my body below his, “You are gorgeous.” I can feel my cheeks warm and I smile and shrug.

He smiles and leans down, kissing my neck. I tilt my head back and slide my hands across his back and down his arms, “Please.” I whisper lowly, “I want to feel you.”

A groan escapes his lips and he nods, “I don’t hav-“

“It’s okay.”

He nods and licks the tips of his fingers before pressing them to my already soaked center. I gasp and spread my legs wider, “Harry.”

He leans down and takes a nipple between his lips, flicking it with his tongue as he slowly pushes his fingers in and pulls them out of me, curling them each time.

I arch my back and my hands go to his head, tangling his hair around my fingers, “Fuck.”

He moves over to my other nipple and slides his fingers out and moves them to my clit. Let out a moan and tug his hair. He moans against me and gently bites down.

I moan louder and move my hips slightly, whining out his name.

“You need me?”

I nod, “So bad.”

He smirks and slides his hands up my body. He reaches down to stroke his cock a few times before rubbing it against my slit. I bite my lip and my eyes roll back as he pushes into me.

“Fuck that- was so hot.” Harry groans and leans down to kiss my neck, biting the skin below my ear. I wrap an arm around his neck and arch my back, my chest pressing against his as he starts to thrust.

It’s slow at first, but I need more, “Harder. Please.” I ask kind of shy. He smirks and nods, “Okay.”

He pushes my legs up out and back, placing them on his shoulders. His hands are on either side of my head and I grab the pillows with my hands, and let out a scream. Harry is pounding into me roughly and it feels so fucking good.

I open my eyes and look up at him, his hair is hanging down in front of his face and his bottom lip is sucked between his teeth.

His eyes flutter closed and a moan leaves his now parted lips, “Fuck, y/n.”

Him moaning my name sends waves of pleasure through me, “H-Harry.” I whisper out as I clench around him, “I-I.” I can’t even finish my statement before I throw my head back and cum around his cock.

He continues thrusting, fucking me through my high, “That’s it.” He moans, “That’s it.”

I moan loudly and dig my fingertips into his biceps. He watches me, watches my boobs bounce up with each time his his hips slam against me.

“Fuck you’re so hot, I-I-“ he groans and pulls out, his cum landing on my stomach.

He gently sets my legs down, “Hold tight. I’ll be right back.”

I nod and get my breathing under control as he walks into the bathroom. I stare up at the ceiling, smiling to myself.

“Here.”

I go to take the towel but Harry goes and wipes me off, “If you want to, you can shower and what not. Or you can-“

“Shower with me.”

He smiles and runs a hand through his hair, “Okay.”

Harry and I get in the shower, neither of us ready for round two, so we just kiss, laugh and sing together to the songs that my phone are still playing.

——

“Can I play you some stuff that I have written down?” Harry asks as he ties his robe shut.

I smile and nod, “Please.”

——

I know this ismy as detailed and not very long at all, but I wanted to get something out because I’ve been mia on the smut lately.

I will write a very detailed part 2 to this I promise!!

Tag list: @daddybuckethat @hsonlyangelxo @harrysluvv @tbsloneely @haroldsbabymama @victoria-styles

[fymonsta-x]

[INTERVIEW] Monsta X’s I.M Unpacks His Solo Mini-Album “Duality”

“I have to keep on questioning myself. That’s the ideal world to me.”

“God damn it, I like it.” Those are the prophetic words that echo through the title track of Monsta X rapper I.M’s deeply personal mini-album solo debut, Duality. The phrasing conjures up boldness and self-assuredness, perhaps punctuated with a smirk.

It’s a trick. Or, at least, it’s a different, simultaneous reality.

The songs on Duality are profound and gripping, wholly due to the fact that I.M has laid himself bare. On stage he’s a ferocious, charismatic spark. Off it, he’s quieter, an ambivert with a disarming laugh and sharp sense of humor. Which is why it’s almost painful that the essence of “God Damn” is how sometimes you lie to yourself about being happy, even when you’re not.

It’s his favorite song off the album and one he says is most indicative of who he really is, or who “the me at that time [was],” he tells Teen Vogue from Seoul over a Zoom call. The time he’s referring to was a difficult one. “I was making my music and I was lying to myself, saying you’re fine. You’re good. God damnit, you like it. But inside …” He trails off. The inference here is that I.M was in a situation where he was afraid of losing himself. But there’s defiance in the face of bleakness. Consider that we expect idols to be pillars of perfection. No cracks are allowed to show. The reality, however, is that no matter who you are, and how monumental your celebrity is, there will be pain, sorrow, and doubt. Emotions have to be dealt with, sometimes by psyching yourself up to move forward, as he does on “God Damn.”

The 25-year-old, whose real name is Im Chang-kyun, is transforming that emotional process into his solo work, in the context of a wildly successful and immersive career with Monsta X. He’s a consummate artist and also the music industry’s version of a triple threat — a dexterous rapper, dancer, and more regularly now, vocalist (remember his cover of Dean’s “Instagram”?) He’s an adroit lyricist, whose writing credits span the breadth of Monsta X’s considerable discography, starting from their very first EP, Trespass which released in May 2015. As a producer, self-composed tunes like the straight-up jam “Mohae” from 2018’s album, Take.1 Are You There? come to mind. Or “Night View,” the lush electro-pop track from last year’s Fatal Love, which peaked at no. 13 on Billboard’s World Digital Song Sales charts. It’s almost daunting to say that, last year alone, Monsta X released two albums and one EP (a slew of awards at various year-end ceremonies in South Korea followed). All About Luv, which is essential listening, also has the distinction of being the first all English-language album created by a K-pop group, and it debuted at no. 5 on the ​Billboard 200 Chart.

Given Monsta X’s intensely busy schedule (add global brand ambassadors for the cosmetics brand Urban Decay to their duties), you can see how full I.M’s plate is. But, and this is indicative of an integral part of his personality, he thrives when he’s steeped in various aspects of music. Only an extremely intuitive artist could have created Duality; I.M wrote every song, as well as helped with composition and arrangement. “I didn’t plan to do everything,” he says. “All of it, whether the composing, or writing lyrics, came very naturally to me. Because I wanted to, and I still want to. As I’m still a part of the music industry, it’s just a very natural step. I’m just trying to do my own thing.”

Read full interview on teenvogue.com

[pacifymebby]

So I think something I'd really like it if fans could appreciate is that Catfish are three albums in, but that's four post album tours spanning 2016 - now. That's music festivals every summer and quite often around Christmas as well in Australia.

That's no break until the pandemic, which wasn't a healthy break because it wasn't chosen and it was unexpected, it was controlled, they couldn't see family and friends, couldnt relax because their future was uncertain. We don't know how the pandemic has effected them but considering how bad its been in the UK we can imagine there was a certain level of stress for them.

Up until their debut in 2016 they were grafting none stop, interacting with fans, travelling none stop, always working.

There's over a decade of travel, hard work, intense social and business interactions these lads will have been through.

Over a decade having to survive in the music industry which is a genuinely soul destroying and brutal industry (Ive mates in the music industry and they're all over tired, depressed, neurotic as shit because that's what the music industry does to you)

This might seem irrelevant and weird but, when the singer (I think) in Duran Duran was talking about their rise to fame he talked about how exciting it was at first, how amazing it was, how he bought this flat in London and moved his stuff in, but didn't unpack and slept in it 2 nights in five years and then sold it.

I know Van not having a fridge was a big joke and a bit of a meme but up until the pandemic any fridge he had at home would have been sitting empty.

All im saying is as much as it sucks that they didn't do meet and greets on their last tour, and that they're quiet on their socials these days, we kind of have to accept it and try to understand it.

If I was in their shoes id be dead by now man, I couldn't handle even the tiniest pinch of that shit, even if it was amazing at first.

[smokahuntis]

Weightless

Nothing Personal

Pairing: Javier peña x reader

Warnings: set last name, cursing, mentions of sex and death. Masterbation, night mares.

Summery: he embassy calls in a new agent to assist agents Peña and Murphy

Authors note: I’m back and I’m going to try and start a series! Based on the album Nothing Personal by All Time Low. This would be chapter one.

Word count: 3.4K

Manage me, I’m a mess

“Agent (y/n) Carter” the ambassador said as she gave them the files “she will be joining, this is everything you need to know in her and she will be here later today.

Javier nodded as he picked up the file “of course, madam ambassador” he stood with a crooked grin and looked her over “and may I say, you look amazing in pink” he said softly and kindly. Steve just rolled his eyes and walked towards the door.

“Keep dreaming Peña” she shook her head and let them leave to review the file.

Turn a page, I’m a book half unread

“Agent Carter ” Javier handed Steve the file. “ ‘DEA’s finest’” he mocked and lit up his cigarette as he set back. Letting the smoke fill his lungs as he took a long drag of his Colombian cigarette. He watched Steve waiting for his opinion.

Steve only chuckled and set the papers down “I went to academy with her...” he said, javiers eyes lit up before he shook his head

“I didn’t mean-“

“We aren’t friends it okay” Steve chuckled.

I wanna be laughed at, laughed with, just because

“Oh- okay... okay...” pena leaned back again as the smoke clouded the humid air around them.

“She was always an overachiever, no one really liked her in my class” he chuckled and put the file away. “Way to smart to be choosing dea, but there she was. Didnt talk to anyone, didn’t let anyone talk to her.” He shrugged “I’d be surprised if she talked to us”

I wanna feel weightless and that should be enough

“So beware shes a bitch?” Javier chuckled and put his cigarette out

“Yep” Steve got up and grabbed his empty coffee cup. “Want a coffee?”

“Not from here...” he shook his head and got up.

“You know back home I always chose Colombian brew coffee, and now I’m in colombia and I don’t see why I thought it was good” Steve chuckled as they walked together to get a drink at the coffee place across the street.

“I’ve spend out money on more valuable things then coffee machines that aren’t from the 60s and beans that aren’t 2 years old” Javier joked and shook his head as they strutted the halls. They were such a duo, splitting them into a trio is a sin, but they’d have to get used to it.

Well I’m stuck in this fucking rut

Meanwhile back in LAX (y/n)’s brother tried to convince her it wasn’t worth it. “Colombia is dangerous right now, you could get killed- or- or worse!” Thomas said following her.

“What’s worse then dying?” She watched him with a bit of a cocky grin.

“You could end up like- like Kiki” he said without thinking before she grabbed her brothers collar roughly.

“You don’t say a damn word about Kiki... plus” she let him go and wiped her Dainty hand on her white button up. “After what the US did to the Sinaloa I think I’m safe from that” she sighed and kept walking.

“(Y/n) listen- please... I can’t loose my sister, not to- Pablo Escobar” he grabbed her hand. She turned and looked at him with upset eyes. “You’re all I have left...” he whispered

Waiting on a second-Hand pick-me-up

It was true, she was all he had left, dad was away over seas and mom was gone. Their oldest brother died years ago, it was just her and Thomas. But they were both adults now, she could do what she wanted, and she had been. But now she was a little worried for Thomas.

“I’ll call, and I’ll visit when I can, just go home Thomas... I’ll be okay” she said looking at him, before the warning for her flight went off, 10 minutes now. “I love you, I have to go” she hugged her younger brother before she left.

I’m getting over getting older

(Y/n) looked over her files on the plane, she knew it was a matter of time before escobar knew who she was so she didn’t hide it. She didn’t care, she knew he was almost untouchable. Almost.

(Y/n) had been all over for the DEA, her most frequented place however was Mexico. She worked in Mexico for a long time, she was young and stupid and she kinda thought it was the DEA’s way of getting rid of waste, expecting her to die at the hands of the Sinaloa. However she returned very much alive, and very much tearing open at the seems. She still has nightmares of her time there, but she didn’t care, she had to keep going, for him.

If I could just find the time

Javier set up the stuff in the meeting room before he made his way home for the night. His little two bit apartment given to him by the Embassy. It was nice, he knew that, but it always felt cold and empty, that’s why he filled it with girls, smoke, alcohol smells. It was like a fucking bar. He tried to not bring work home with him but he couldn’t help it most nights, things either bothered him to much or had to be done sooner then later. Some days he wanted to feel weightless, and those days he could escape the heavy burden of people lives depending on him. The ones he couldn’t save, or the ones he’s trying to save. He was trying so hard, but he couldn’t escape.

He needed air, that’s what it was. Right now when he felt his chest collapse on him, he needed aid, real air. So he was quick to make his way out the door and to the front steps of the apartment building, he almost didn’t see her. The (h/c) girl standing there at the steps with her bags. He almost took her out, but he stopped in time.

“I’m- im sorry uh- can I help you?” He asked clearing his throat as he looked at her. She pulled her hood off and looked up at him holding her bags close to her

Then I would never let another day go by

“This is the embassy apartments right?” She asked with a soft shivering smile. He was quick to answer, maybe to quick.

“Yea! Yea this is- this is them yea... you’re-“ he started but she cut him off.

“(Y/n) Carter, yes- hi- um- sorry I didn’t mean to cut you off I’m just tired and cold and really want to get inside. He nodded understanding, completely forgotting why he came out here as he looked into her eyes, illuminated by the yellow street lights behind him.

“I’ll show you to your apartment” he smiled and took her in, she was just across the hall from him. Her apartment identical in most ways, however her kitchen was bigger and so was her bathroom.

I’m over getting old

“Thank you, you must be Agent Peña” she smiled as he got the key from the leafy palm in the corner, unlocking her door for her.

“That I am” he smiled and helped with her bags. If he was going to be stuck with her he wanted to be nice. He didn’t want another agent, him and Steve were doing just on their own, but the embasssy expected things to be done instantly, but they are putting to many cooks in the kitchen.

“Thank you for helping, you didn’t need to” she smiled and set her bags down on the bed and looked at him.

“Of course” he smiled and set her things down with the rest. “So, we’re you invited or did you request to be transferred”

Maybe it’s not my weekend

(Y/n) looked at him and pushed hair behind her ears and shook her head. “I requested it actually, I requested it months ago really but-“

“Why would you want to be here? You know what’s happening-“

“That’s exactly why I want to be here” she stood straighter and looked at him. “You need all the help you can get it seems- and I understand if you don’t want me here because I’m a women”

“No! No no- no that isn’t it I promise” he said feeling a bit of his earlier panic come back, but it was only a little. “I don’t care you’re a women I’ve seen your file you’ve done amazing things but we were doing just fine without you...” Javier said looking at her, his hand up in defense.

“Then why did the embassy want me here ASAP?” She asked crossing her arms.

“Because they think we are stupid or something... they expect things done instantly and it’s impossible.” He explained. She nodded and sighed

“I understand that feeling. But I’m here to help... I promise” she looked at him as the moon light filtered threw her window

But it’s gonna be my year

He nodded and sighed “I’ll just let you get some sleep, I’ll see you at the office” he walked out of her room, giving her one last look as he smiled “goodnight Agent Carter” he walked out to his apartment again.

(Y/n) sighed and unpacked all she could tonight and took a few melatonin and went to sleep, trying to get on the schedule.

It wasn’t hard for her to get up in the morning, making her own coffee and getting ready early. She wanted to be there before them so she could go over things and get caught up. So getting ready quickly she tied her hair up in a tight ponytail and made her way to the office. She was always on time or early, wanting to get ahead of things or finish work so she didn’t have to bring things home.

I’m so sick of watching all the minutes pass as I go nowhere

Javier however, couldnt manage to get himself out of sleep. Stuck in a long nightmare that has his body aching and sweating to wake up but he was stuck there, in that spot in the sticky cotton sheets. He tossed and turned but al he could see was the blood, every scene he’d been to, it took a toll on him. He couldn’t help it anymore, couldn’t hold them back, couldn’t stay up and drink a shit ton of coffee and just keep going.

He was hurting himself even more trying to ignore it. He was lost in a sea of sound, until finally he woke up, alone and covered in a thin sheen of sweat.

“Fuck....” he shook his head and got out of bed, throwing his things in the wash before he got in the shower. He felt so exhausted from sleeping, that’s not right. He hated this constant feeling, it was so much. He couldn’t even escape at home. Seemed the only time he felt fine was when he was baring himself inside a women of the night and telling her how perfect she was, only to wake up alone and try to relive that moment in the shower by himself.

This is my reaction to everything I fear

It was no secret, Javier Peña was a ladies man. To get in the head of the cartel he slept with the same women as the cartel, did it work? Yes occasionally. But it wasn’t that anymore, it wasn’t just work, it was a form of escape now. Was he a sex addict? Yes, most definitely. Did he care? No, because it was release in more ways then one and that’s all he wanted.

He did have a talent tho, remembering every name, every face. Every women. He was a talented man. But right now that didn’t matter, what mattered to him in this moment was making himself feel weightless as hot water ran down his body. He was alone last night, after showing (y/n) her apartment he went home and to bed. So he had nothing to relieve, no face to see when he closed his eyes. Oh... how he was wrong.

Cause I’ve been going crazy, I don’t wanna waste another minute here

There she was, the beauty he met last night. (Y/n) carter. Why was she what he thought about right now? He just met her. She was his partner and he’d only see her face and hands, that’s not even enough for a weirdo to get off. But it was enough for him to wrap his hand around his throbbing cock and leaning his head back as he stroked himself.

His chest heaving and his eyes rolling back as he pumped his fat cock in his hand. Soft grunts escaped his mouth before the words left it “(y/n)... fuck...” he groaned.

He didn’t even know the girl and he was getting off in his shower to her.

This could be all that I’ve waited for

He didn’t know why he felt like this, but in his mind he had her on her knees, her lips wrapped around his tip as she took him down her little throat, just that image made him let out a loud moan. Soon his balls tightened and he was coming all over her face, and down the drain.

He shook his head as he opened his eyes and looked at the mess he made. Causing him to sigh heavily and clean up before he got dressed and ready, trying to get the idea out of his head. It was his first day with her, and he wanted to fuck her. Wow.

This could be everything I don’t wanna dream anymore

When he got there she was already liking over things, remembering faces and writing in her notebook. She looked peaceful there, just staring at a cork-board of killers and drug lords. He could tell quickly this is her environment.

“Hey” he said setting down his coffee and taking off his brown leather jacket. She turned with an other bright smiled and looked at him, her smile lit of the room and made his chest feel tight, but not like his panic the night before, this was warm and different.

“Hey” she said in her silk tone as she set her note book down. “ I hope you don’t mind I’m taking my own notes.”

“Not at all, whatever makes you comfortable” he smiled at her softly. At that moment Steve walked in with his own coffee and pen. He was way to quick to notice the look in javiers eyes, the interest he had in her.

“Thanks” she smiled before looking at Steve “Steve Murphy, wow... hi” she smiled and shook his hand.

“Hey Carter, it’s been awhile” he chuckled and shook her hand

“It’s been more then awhile” she smiled and looked up at him

Maybe it’s not my weekend, but it’s gonna be my year.

“Well it’s good to know we have a good agent on our team” he smiled. “So what are you working on”

“Just taking my own notes so I can memorize things faster and get caught up” she smiled at them.

“Oh did you color coat them too?” He asked a little to condescending. She sighed and caught on quickly but went on.

“No I did not. I’m not a preppy teenager.” She stated simply before walking back to take notes.

“While you do that we are going to go do real things okay?” He grabbed his coffe and walked out with Javier. (Y/n) was pretty used to sexist comments or people thinking she couldn’t do things so she brushed it off, however Javier didn’t.

I’m going crazy, I’m stuck in here

“What the hell was that?!” Javjer looked at Steve and closed the door as they got into their little office.

“What was what?” Steve asked and set his things down.

“You being an asshole to her, what did she do to you?” Javier said taking up for her.

“I don’t know Javier what’s up with you? Staring at her like you’re guess engagement ring sizes!” Steve argued, they argued way to often. Like a married couple really.

“I was not!” Javier scoffed “I can’t be nice to my new coworker?”

“Just yesterday you were dreading her! And now you have heart eyes all over her” Steve said

Maybe it’s not my weekend but it’s gonna be my year

“I don’t have heart eyes, I’m just looking at her, damn” he sat down and opened his earliest files and started work.

“I’m sure” Steve shook his head before starting to work.

Soon (y/n) made her way to the office and walked in and almost fell over with a heart attack “my god, how do you work in such mess” she asked looking around.

“Mess? I think it’s pretty clean” Steve said looking around

“The only clean place here is my desk and it’s still covered in papers. “ she looked at him and set her things down.

“ okay I’ll admit, it’s a bit messy, but we know whether everything is” he leaned back. Just as he said that, Peña who wasn’t paying attention spoke up.

“I can’t find that file from yesterday” he sighed, giving (y/n) the perfect example.

“See!” She looked at Steve.

“Okay fine, we could organize...” he sighed.

I’m so sick of watching am three minutes pass as I go nowhere

After hours of cleaning the office was organized and they found things much easier, so much quicker and efficient. So much so that Javier could ask

“Okay now I need the First Medellin file” he said softly and it was quickly put on his desk.

“See that’s not bad...” (y/n) smiled softly and looked between them.

“But we just wasted so much time doing that” Steve said

“But we are going to save so much more now that it’s organized” she crossed her arms. She was right, organizing the office was the best decision they’d made all year, it helped get things done faster and cleared their minds.

And this is my reaction to everything I fear.

It was a small thing, to organize the office, but when Javier got home he decided to clean the apartment too, washing the bed sheets and making everything up after. Cooking a meal instead of ordering. Just have a day of cleaning up and doing normal people things, it made him sleep better already. The nightmares had calmed down and everything was fine. He was peaceful for a moment, a minute, a few seconds. And then there it was, the scream that made (y/n) drop everything and go to his apartment, he left the door unlocked so it was easy for her to get in and get to his bed side instantly.

“Javier!” She said grabbing his shoulders and shaking him awake. He was starting to sweat again, just as she grabbed him, her touch alone calmed down the terror of his mind, causing him to wake.

“(Y/n)...” he whispered tiredly as he looked at her, she was in a robe, her hair wrapped loosely in a towel.

“Hey buddy” she smiled softly, trying to comfort him in anyway. She didn’t know anything about him but she wanted to try her best to make him feel better, to make him feel weightless.

“What are you doing here...” he asked laying back. She pushed his hair out of his face and massaged his scalp softly as she spoke.

“You screamed and I came as soon as I could... I thought something happened” she answered and watched him, he was gorgeous here, with the moon light covering his glistening chest, highlighting his face and messy hair.

“I’m sorry- I- I didn’t mean too” he said as he sighed.

“It’s okay... I understand... I used to do the same thing after Mexico” she admitted. They barely knew a damn thing but they both felt comfortable with each other.

“How did you get it to stop...” he asked

“Well I did go to therapy but it never seemed to help, so I did what I did as a kid, I get something to read and read till I can’t keep my eyes open, it makes your mind think on the topics of the book rather then the other mess...” she whispered and pulled his covers back over him. He nodded and smiled “I could read to you tonight if you want...”

“You don’t have to do that”

“I don’t mind... get comfy I’ll find something...” she smiled and went to get a book. His eyes trailed her long legs as she walked out to get a book, why did he feel so open and comfortable with her, he just met her.

Cause I’ve been going crazy, I don’t wanna waste a minute here

Taglist: @thinemineours @morgannope @thisis-theway @onabouteverything @blxwjobsforclones @a-dorin @everythinggeeky

This will be a series I hope, so if you want to be tagged in this or more Javier peña stuff please let me know!

[jeonchan26]

Give Me A Reason...To Stay (Part 1)

Theme; Angst (Namjoon & Reader)

Summary; With all the hurt comes happiness, at least that’s what you thought.

Request; Yes

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    You couldn’t believe it, you thought your mind was playing tricks on you. But why would it play such a cruel one? 

    You wanted to visit Namjoon at work it’s almost been three weeks since you last saw him but you knew that with their new comeback coming up he was extra busy at work. He would get home when you were asleep and leave before you woke up. You didn’t blame him though you knew that dating an idol was going to be hard but for Namjoon it was all worth it. 

    You figured that with everything going on Namjoon and the boys would be stress. You decided that they might need a little distraction. You packed all of their favorite foods into individuals baskets and headed towards BigHit. Once you got their you saw Jungkook first walking towards the elevator. 

    “Jungkook!” You yelled his name making him stop and hold the elevator for you to get it. “Hey Noona! What are you doing here?” He said with a big smile. He notices the baskets. 

“Do you need help Noona?” He said taking a few of the baskets of your hands. 

   “Oh thank you! They were heavy! But anyways I brought you guys some food. That basket is yours” You said pointed to the purple one. “Oh geesh noona thanks! You didn’t have too!” 

    Jungkook helped you delivered all the basket to the boys, they were all grateful that you took time out of your day to make them the baskets/ They loved that you decorated the baskets the color of their mics. You left the boys to find Namjoon who you figured was in his studio. He always seems to hide in there to create music. 

    You knocked on the door and heard a soft come in, “Hey baby I got you something” you closed the door behind you. 

     “Baby what are you doing here? You didn’t have to come all the way here” He smiled taking the basket from your hands. “Oh wow baby all my favorite foods!” He started unpacking the food and place on the table before putting the basket on the floor. “Come let’s eat!” He said sitting you on his lap you giggled and started feeding him.

“How is the album coming up?” 

    “Oh you know it’s getting their our deadline is in July and we are just about done with the last few songs” He said taking a bite of the food. 

    You were about to ask him something but were interrupted when a beautiful looking girl came into the room, you found out odd because usually people would knock before coming in.

     “Namjoon Ba-” She stopped talking when she say you and Namjoon. Namjoon quickly pushed you off him making his way towards the girl. You just stared at them confused.  

    “Irene baby what are you doing here?” You noticed Namjoon behavior towards her. ‘Baby?’ you thought he was reaching for her hand. 

    “What the fuck is this Namjoon! Who the fuck is she!?” She yelled pointing at you.

     “Excuse me who are you! Im Namjoon girlfriend!” You glared crossing your arms. You were trying not to break or show any weakness. 

     “Oh please! Im his fucking FIANCE!” You started at her in shocked you looked at Namjoon who was looking anywhere but you. His attention was either on her or on the floor never on you. You noticed the boys coming into the room due to all the screaming. 

    “That’s not possible! He is my boyfriend!” You stuttered trying to process what was happening. You looked at the boys and noticed them giving you pity looks. It was true, everything she said was true.

    “Namjoon, is she saying the truth” You whispered trying to make Namjoon look at you but he would just look away. 

    “Of course it is sweetie. You’re nothing but a homewrecker! Do you really believe Namjoon would date a girl like you! Why do you think you haven’t gone public.” She smirked. 

    “Irene wait for me in the studio okay! I’ll be there soon” Namjoon finally spoke after a while. You said Irene walked towards him giving him a kiss before walking out. The boys left giving you guys some privacy.

    You couldn’t hold the tears anymore they slowly started falling. “N-Namjoon w-what is going on?” You said walking towards him. 

    Namjoon sighed before looking at you, “I’m sorry (Y/N). I didn’t want you to find out this way. Irene is my fiance for a while now. She was gone due to her career and recently came back. I was only using you because I was lonely, you were there and I decided to take advantage of that. I-Im sorry I’ve never loved you” He said looking at you with pitiful eyes. “I never thought it would get this far” 

    You stood there angry, sad but mostly heartbroken, “So this part 9 months were nothing but a lie?” 

“Yes” 

   You felt like someone stabbed your heart pulling it out before stomping on it. You looked down at the ground trying to stop yourself from crying. “I guess that would explain why we were never public and you seemed happy about the fact that I didn’t follow you guys on social media. Guess I was stupid enough to believe that someone like you would fall for someone like me” you let out a sad chuckle. 

    “It was never my intention to hurt you the way I did..” Namjoon whispered. “But you did from the very beginning I was nothing but a distraction from her...Ima gonna leave you should send someone to pick up your stuff from the apartment. I never want to see you again, I was so stupid to have fallen in love with you.”

    You got up and started walking towards the door hoping he would stop you and tell you he loves you and that it was a mistake but once you closed his door you saw the boys waiting for you down the hall. They looked up when they heard the door close. 

    “You guys knew right? That I didn’t mean anything to him. That he was just using me?” You looked at each one of them and noticed their sad eyes turning away from you once you made contact with them.

    “(Y/N) We are sorry it was never our intention” Taehyung said. “No I get it he is your brother. Why would you guys care about my feelings right? Well it was good getting to know you guys. Mind if you guys pick up his stuff from the house.” You saw them nodding and you started walking towards the elevator.

    You don’t even know how you made it home but walking through the front door you felt the loneliness breaking down praying that this was just a dream. 

[anythingandeverything1d]

Kicks and Catch Ups

Chapter 1: Congratulations Chapter 2: I’m having your baby Chapter 3: Plum Sized

It had been a few months since Harry moved in, and well things were not as great as the idea had originally seemed. You loved Harry, but he was being difficult to work with on a lot of levels. One being Luke. Harry and Luke did not get along in any kind of way. Harry thought Luke was trying to take his place and make moves on you. You were laying in bed while Harry was downstairs writing and your brain was thinking about the fight that had occurred a few weeks ago.

* “Harry I’m going out to lunch with Luke and then we were going to go look at some baby stuff. I should be home later okay?”

“Whatever.” Harry sighed rolling his eyes. You groaned and walked over to him.

“Harry, remember when we agreed to talk things out not hold them in? You need to tell me if somethings bothering you...”

“You want to know what's bothering me? How about the fact that you are trying to hold onto this-this fling or whatever the two of you had while I was gone. You go out with him all the time and he's coming to all our appointments and now he's taking you shopping for OUR baby? If you want him, have him but I’m out.”

You sat on his lap and held his cheeks in your hand. “Haz the only one I want is you. Luke is just my FRIEND. That’s it. He's going to be like an uncle to the baby and I want him to feel involved in everything. There is absolutely nothing going on with Luke and I. I promise.” You kissed his lips softly but he wasnt having it. Luke happened to walk in that moment as well.

“Hey beautiful ready to go?”

Harry shot him a wicked glance and pushed you off his lap, standing to walk over to Luke. You ran up behind him and pulled him back. “Harry. Harry look at me.” He slowly turned and you reached your hands around his neck and kissed him softly. “I love you.” you whispered. 

Harry sighed and kissed your cheek. He then grabbed your coat and helped you into it. Looking at Luke he threatened, “Make a move and I will destroy you.” You smacked his arm in response. He dramatically kissed you again before whispering “I love you” back. “Take care of my girl.”

“I always do.” Luke smirked and held out his hand. You were annoyed with everything happening here so you brushed past it and walked to the car. In the car Luke decided to play it up. “Why are you even with him. He’s a fucking asshole. He’s just going to leave you when the baby gets here, go back on tour, fuck another random bitch at a bar and leave you AND your baby here and heartbroken. I mean seriously (y/n) how stupid are you with letting him back in like this. He’s a possessive and manipulative dick.” You looked over at him with tears in your eyes. He knew he had over stepped but said nothing. 

“Let me out of the car.”

“What? No. That’s ridiculous.”

“Luke let me out now.” 

“(y/n) I’m not going to just let you out of the car.”

“Stop and unlock the door. I want out now.”

“Youre being dramatic-”

“LET ME OUT.” you were crying now and Luke saw that the argument was over. He pulled over to the sidewalk and you jumped out. “Don't call me until youre ready to apologize.” You slammed the door shut and started the walk back home. It was chilly that day so you had called Harry, who had immediately come to pick you up. You cried in his arms about everything Luke had said and how you were afraid he was going to leave you and the baby. 

“I’m not going anywhere. If I go on tour, you and the baby will come too. We can make this work love I promise.” *

You shook your head and cleared the thoughts. Luke hadn't come over or called since. Harry had been a little better since then, more supportive, a little less jealous, and overall more like the Harry you had originally fallen in love with. When Harry moved in the two of you had agreed not to date or make something of the situation. You wanted to feel everything out, work on the problems that you had before and see where you were at. You still weren't dating or ready to be dating, but you were in a much better place. Besides the arguing- but being stuck together for long periods of time would do that to you. Harry was currently writing and working on his second album which meant that he was working all the time. He would spend hours upon hours in meetings with other writers. You loved that he was doing what he loved but you also wished he would be a little more present in the baby preparations. Helping with the nursery, purchasing clothes, all of that. 

The one person who had been way more supportive was Anne, Harry’s mom. She was even throwing you a baby shower this weekend with the help of Gemma, his sister. You were excited, you just wished Harry was too. You climbed out of bed and wandered downstairs. Harry looked up and smiled as you approached. He grabbed your hand and pulled you onto his lap. “Want to hear what I’ve been working on?” You nodded and smiled. He held up the page of lyrics and began singing. “I’m in my bed, and youre not here, and theres no one to blame but the drink and my wandering hands, forget what I said, Its not what I meant, And I cant take it back, I cant unpack the baggage you left, What am I now? What am I now? What if I’m someone I don't want around? I’m falling again, I’m falling again, I’m falling, What if I’m down? What if I’m out? What if I’m someone you won't talk about? I’m falling again, I’m falling again, I’m falling” He looked at you and wiped a tear from your eye.

“That’s beautiful H”

“It’s how I felt...you know...after we broke up. I regretted everything...I wanted to make it up to you but I didnt know how. I guess this little one is to thank for bringing you back into my life.” You were crying harder now. Harry hadn't really expressed any emotions like this in a while especially about him leaving. “Don't cry (y/n)...I’m sorry. I shouldn't have-”

“No.” you wiped your eyes and smiled. “I’m glad you are talking about it.” You kissed him. “I’m really glad youre back in my life Harry. I really missed you.” You laughed and wiped his tears.

“Now you’ve got me crying.” He laughed and kissed you. 

“Oh!” you exclaimed making him jump a little. “Harry its happening!” You grabbed his hand and positioned it on your stomach where you had just felt a kick. The baby had been very active lately but Harry always seemed to miss the kicks. He still hadn't felt one. You moved his hand around. “Come on little one...” You watched Harry’s face as the baby kicked. His mouth dropped open, a smile formed, dimples and everything. He was crying harder now too. You laughed, “That was a good one.”

“I think that was a futbol kick” He laughed. You wiped his tears and touched your nose to his with a smile. “God, this little one is going crazy right now.” Harry was in awe. He kept touching your belly and talking to it. 

“I think our little one likes your singing..” 

He smiled and started singing, “Lately I found myself thinking, been dreaming about you a lot, and up in my head im your boyfriend, but thats one thing you've already got” He smiled at you. “Come on (y/n), I know you know the lyrics.”

“He drives to school every morning, while I walk alone in the rain, he’d kill me without any warning, if he took a look in my brain.”

Harry chimed in, “Would he say he's in L-O-V-E? Well if it was me then I would, I would, Would he hold you when youre feeling low? Baby you should know that I would, I would.” You laughed as the baby did another big kick. This is exactly what you had imagined being pregnant with Harry would be like. Someone knocked at the door and you jumped up to get it. 

“Hey” Luke was standing at the door with a shy smile and a bouquet of flowers. 

“Hey.” You said back.

“Can we talk?” You nodded and let him in where he followed you to the kitchen. Harry rolled his eyes and got up to leave. “No, Harry wait. I wanted to talk to both of you.”

You sat down next to Harry and Luke sat across from you. You all just stared at each other for a few minutes before Luke sighed. “I’m sorry. My behavior was embarrassing and out of control. (y/n) what I said to you...I’m so sorry. I never should have done that and Harry? Man I’m sorry I didnt give you another chance when you came back. Look okay, (y/n) youre my best friend, like my little sister. I didnt want to see you hurt the way you were when he left the first time.” He looked at Harry and shook his head. “Harry you don't deserve her. She's the purest, kindest, and best person I know. But youre still here, youre still trying and I respect that. I hope you work everyday to try to deserve her.”

Harry nodded. “I don't deserve her. Youre right there. She's incredible and the things I’ve done...” you squeezed his hand gently. “Ive been working on making myself better for her. I don't want to hurt her or the baby ever again. I respect you caring for her, for looking out for her, and for being there when I wasnt. But I am back now so I just feel like you were trying to out do me when I was already trying so hard.”

Luke nodded, “I’m sorry man, I overstepped. It won't happen again.” He looked back to you. “(y/n) I overstepped our friendship boundaries and Im sorry. I shouldn't have done that.” 

“Its okay...I know you were trying to help..”

“I was but I said some things that never should have been said. I don't know anything about the two of yours relationship and I’m not sure I really want to” He laughed and smiled at you, “But I really really miss you. Can we fix things?”

You got up and hugged him tightly. “I missed you too.” Luke smiled and held out his hand to Harry.

“Truce?”

Harry nodded and shook the hand. “You should stay for dinner, I’m sure theres a lot to catch up on.” 

Luke smiled and nodded. “Is that the latest picture?” He looked at the fridge where the ultrasound pictures were hanging. 

“Yeah thats from yesterday.” You said walking over. “Finally entering my third trimester..”

“Thats so crazy...it looks like an actual baby now. Is it? Did you find out the gender?”

Harry walked over and shook his head, “We decided to wait..Im pretty sure its a girl though.” Luke laughed.

“What do you think?” 

“I think its a boy.”

“So you both think its something else. Who's gonna be upset when they are wrong?” He asked laughing.

“Harry.” You wrapped an arm around his waist and smiled.

“Probably me.” He agreed. “Ive always wanted a girl. Plus I just think a mini (y/n) would be adorable.”

“It would for sure. I think its a girl too but only because I know (y/n) wants a boy.”  Luke said laughing. You rolled your eyes and smiled. This is how things should've been the whole time.

“So I’m starving...what’s for dinner?”

“What do you want?” Harry asked.

“Yeah youre the pregnant one. What sounds good today?”

“Well honestly pickles and peanut butter sound really good.”

Harry gagged and Luke laughed. “That sounds absolutely disgusting.”

“If thats what you want babe...” Luke shot Harry a surprised glance.

“No..thats not fair to the two of you...how about pizza?”

Relief flooded both of their faces and they nodded. “I’ll order.” Harry said grabbing his phone and leaving you and Luke alone in the kitchen.

“So how have you been?” he asked.

“Good. I mean I’ve been really tired a lot but I also haven't been sleeping well so thats probably part of the problem. I just cant get comfy at night and when I try to sleep the baby gets all active and awake.”

“Well thats no fun. How have things with Harry been?”

You sighed sitting down and rubbing your belly. “We have really good days and some bad days. Things have gotten a lot better lately and today was kind of perfect. I think he's settling back into the idea of everything.”

“Are you and him....you know..a thing..or dating..or what's going on there.”

You bit your lip, “I don't know exactly... I mean I want to be more but we originally agreed just to see what happened..but now? I just feel like I know Harry’s the one. I know I’ll never love a guy the way I love him. And I want things to work with us and the baby. I want us to be a family. I just don't know where he stands.”

“Have you asked him?”

“No...I just don't want to ruin what we have already.” You decided you didnt want to talk anymore about this so you changed the subject. “How’s the girl you've been going out with?”

“She's good. Yeah, I really like her. You’ll have to meet her sometime.”

You smiled. “I’d love that. We could double date. That could be fun!”

“Maybe.” He laughed shaking his head. “That might be a little weird.”

“Why?”

“Because one, youre pregnant and two your dating Harry Styles, and three your pregnant with his baby. That’s a lot for any normal person to take in.” he laughed.

“I think we should go for it.” 

“We’ll see.”

Harry walked back in with a smile on his face. He kissed your head and sat in the chair next to you. “What are you two laughing at?”

“I want us to double date with Luke’s new girlfriend.”

“Oh that would be fun.” Harry nodded. 

“I don't know.” Luke said laughing more.

“The pizza will be here shortly. Luke if you want to call and invite her over..”

“No-No thats okay..”

“No, Luke invite her! She's probably upset you cant hang out tonight because youre here..”

“Eh..I mean are you guys sure?”

You and Harry nodded. “Go for it.”

You smiled and clapped your hands together. “Yay! Its been so long since we've done anything like this!” Harry smiled and nodded looking down. 

“I should probably put on clothes.”

Luke nodded and you laughed, “I don't know H, you look pretty hot to me.” You wiggled your eyes and kissed you while laughing. 

“How hot?”

“Okay gross.” Luke chimed in breaking up the moment. “Aren't you pregnant and like not supposed to get all like that?”

“You mean horny?” Harry asked laughing. “I mean if anything (y/n) has been way more interested lately than before. Our sex life is kind of killing it right now.”

Luke shuddered and you laughed as he looked you up and down. “How exactly does that work with the...with the belly and the baby?”

“Oh trust me Lucas, its a lot hotter than youre imagining.” Harry laughed as he walked upstairs to put on a shirt.

Luke was still grossed out by it but picked up the phone and read the text he got. “She's going to come..”

“Yay! I’m excited!” you groaned. “Ugh this baby definitely makes things interesting.”

“You good?” Luke asked concerned.

“Yeah, sometimes it just kicks against my bladder and you know.”

“Know what?” he asked confused.

“Sometimes I just pee a little.”

“What?”

“Yeah.”

“Thats disgusting. Okay please don't bring up youre baby sex life and pee problems to Maddie.”

You laughed. “Oh the baby is kicking again want to feel?”

He nodded so you grabbed his hand and placed it where the baby was kicking. He felt it and jumped back. You laughed. Harry’s reaction was adorable, exactly what you had expected him to act like. Luke’s was not. Luke seemed a little grossed out by the baby kicking. He said he was good when you asked if he wanted to feel again which only made you laugh harder. A knock at the door broke the laughing and Harry who was already walking down the stairs answered it. 

“Hey.” He said with a smile. The girl looked a little taken back and you walked forward.

“You must be Maddie?”

“Yeah..” She was still looking at Harry surprised.

“Luke’s inside, come on in. I’m (y/n).” she shook your hand with a smile and looked down at your belly but didnt say anything. “This is Harry.” Harry smiled and waved hi before leading her into the kitchen to where Luke was waiting. 

“Mads Hey!” He walked over and gave her a hug. “Sorry I assumed it was the pizza or I would've answered the door. Well I guess you've met (y/n) and Harry?”

“Yeah.” she smiled at him. She was probably thinking why he didnt warn her Harry Style was going to be there as well. “Its nice to meet you.” 

“The pizza!” Harry shouted running to the door when someone knocked. A few minutes later he came back carrying a few boxes of pizza and breadsticks. “Dig in everyone.”

Harry made you a plate with 4 huge pieces of pizza and you laughed. “Haz, I don't need that much..”

“The baby needs to eat...shes going to be a futbul star remember?”

You just laughed and took a bite. Dinner flew by, you and Harry were asking Luke and Maddie all kinds of questions about their relationship. You liked Maddie, she would keep Luke in his place and challenge him a bit which is what he needed. After dinner they excused themselves and left. Luke hugged you tightly whispering goodbye to the baby and then shook Harry’s hand. Maddie waved goodbye. You and Harry were left. You hugged him tightly and smiled.

“What?” He asked looking down at you, his green eyes sparkling.

“I’m just happy.” you answered. “I’m happy with our relationship...I’m happy that Luke is back. All of it.”

“Im happy too.” Harry kissed your nose and smiled. “Luke may not be that bad after all.”

---

Kind of a short chapter, but I hope you enjoy! Stay tuned for the next one!

[calpalirwin]

Stuck In My Head

Summary: Anon request- Idk if you've written anything about the quarantine yet? Idk if you feel comfortable right because weird topic. But I feel like Cal has been posting a lot about his mental health during this and it might be cool to explore like living along side him dealing with your own (this was the worst worded request I've ever submitted I'm sorry)

A/N: If you’re struggling, please reach out. I think it’s easy to feel alone, especially now. But please don’t listen to the voice in your head. You are not alone. And you are not bothering anyone. In fact, hearing from you makes our day. 

Content: Mental health awareness. 

Word Count: 1.4k

And away, and away we go!

__

Melody stared blankly at the television screen. The words “Stay at home order” should have hit deeper. But all she could think about was that it was a good idea Calum had run out to the store. 

“Geez it’s like a zoo out there,” Calum announced while the women continued to stare blankly as Governor Newsom continued his speech about his plans for California during these “troubling times.”

“Uh… Mel? Little help?” Calum asked, snapping his roommate out of her daze.

“Shit, sorry,” she apologized, rushing over to help him with the groceries.

“The news say anything?”

“Stay at home order. God knows for how long.”

“Shit, no wonder the stores were all packed.”

“Yeah. How’s this gonna work for your album next week?”

“Fuck…” The question was enough to stop his actions of unpacking the shopping bags. “Fuck..” he repeated. “We’ll figure something out. Probably last minute, but we’ll figure it out. What does this mean for you? You had that photoshoot planned, didn’t you?”

Melody nodded as they put the last of the groceries away. “Yeah, I’ll have to call my agency, and see what’s going on with that.”

“Well don’t stress too much about it,” Calum told her. “I mean, I know you. I know you’re gonna stress about it. But try not to do it too much.”

Melody rolled her eyes. “Yeah I’ll try not to be too torn up over how now sitting on ass is a contribution to society. Every introvert's dream come true.”

Calum chuckled. “I’m just sayin’. If you need me, I’m here. Same as always.”

~~~

Again, Melody was staring blankly at the television screen. The noise was soothing even though she couldn’t focus on the show. She hadn’t been able to focus on much in the last month since quarantine hit. Her job was on hiatus until further notice, and while there was plenty for her to do around the house, she couldn’t bring herself to enjoy it the way she once had.

During the first week she had tried to settle into a routine to keep some semblance of normalcy. But as the days dragged by, time became almost irrelevant. Most nights were spent staring up at her ceiling, watching the fan spin in circles. It took effort to drag herself out of bed before noon. Still, she fought to go through the motions. But it was hard when there was no real reason to. While logically she knew she could get in her car and go visit her friends the way Calum had done with Michael, the excuse of not was heavier than her want. What was there to talk about that couldn’t be said through text anyway? She wanted to see her friends so she could go out with them. But there was nowhere to go out to. And it wasn’t like she didn’t have company because Calum was stuck at home just like she was.

Calum, she was beginning to realize, was the only reason she was bothering putting herself through the paces. She might be sleeping late and wandering around with a blank expression, but at least she was showering, wearing clothes other than sweats, and eating. So she supposed she could be doing a whole lot worse.

But Calum had been right. With the world quiet, there was nothing to drown out the screaming in her mind. Her thoughts swirled angrily in her head and the only relief came through sleep, which of course had been evading her. She had always dealt with insomnia, but having no real routine made it that much worse. She could be on the verge of falling asleep, but it was like the second her head hit the pillow and she finally closed her eyes, she found her energy. Only it wasn’t energy to do anything besides stay awake. Awake and listening to the thoughts.

~~~

Melody watched as the ceiling fan spun around in a hypnotizing circle, jealous that it was moving, unlike her. It had been almost ten weeks now and she was just as lost as she had been when this started. Logically she knew there was nothing for her to worry about. Calum and her were healthy. They all had more money than they knew what to do with. Groceries and other things were being shipped to their doorstep. There was nothing actually wrong. But no amount of talking on the phone with her family and friends, or taking Duke out for small walks around the neighborhood with Calum was enough to shake the feeling of emptiness. Like everything was pause, but it was only on pause for her. Her roommate had managed to stay plenty busy with his music in spite of everything coming to a complete standstill. And while she knew that had nothing to do with her, she couldn’t stop the comparison no matter how hard she tried.

If you need me, I’m here. Same as always.

“Even at… 2:47 am, Cal?” she whispered in the dark as she climbed out of bed.

She paused outside of his bedroom door, debating. It was late. He was probably fast asleep. She should probably just go back to her own room and try again to fall asleep. “Cal?” she asked, her voice low as she entered the dark bedroom. “Cal, are you awake?”

She heard the jingle of Duke’s collar as the dog woke up to readjust himself on the bed. Calum’s arm moved out from under the covers, patting around beside him. “Duke, go back to sleep,” he grumbled, still more or less fully asleep.

“Cal, it’s me,” Melody told him, moving further into the bedroom.

“Mel,” Calum acknowledged as he yawned. “Just Mel, Duke.”

“Cal, scooch over,” she directed as she swallowed her hesitation and edged herself onto his bed.

“Mel, shh. I’m sleepin’,” Calum scolded lightly, but he rolled over in his sleep, allowing her to curl up next to him.

“Keep sleeping, then,” she whispered at him.

Again, he rolled over in his sleep, his arm falling across her. He startled awake, not expecting to find a body there. “Fuck, Mel! Way to give a guy a heart attack! What are you doing in here? Some watchdog you are, Duke…” His voice lost the heaviness of sleep as he worked himself awake with his rambling.

Melody stared up at Calum’s ceiling, watching the fan make its rounds, feeling stupider by the second.

“Mel?” Calum prompted after a good minute or two of silence. “Everything okay?”

“Can’t sleep.”

“Mmm, so bothering me seemed like a good idea?”

Melody rolled her eyes and pushed into his shoulder, his chuckle a deep rumble. “You said you were here if I needed you, yeah?”

“Course.”

“Well I need you.”

He shifted in bed to sit up against the headboard, draping an arm across her shoulder. “Took you long enough.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked, leaning against his shoulder.

“You were going off the deep end before this started.”

“And you didn’t think to say anything?”

He shrugged. “If I approached you, you would get defensive, and retreat further inside yourself.”

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right.”

“So what’s going on in that head of yours?”

“Feeling like a failure. Like no matter how fast I move towards my future, I still feel like I’m getting left behind somehow. Like what I'm doing doesn’t measure up to what other people my age are doing.”

“And with the world at a standstill, you don’t have the noise to silence that voice.”

“Exactly. I mean, I’m cooped up in here for days on end. With nothing but my thoughts to keep me company. And as much as I know that voice is wrong, there’s nothing to dispute it. And it feels weird to complain that I feel useless and helpless when I know that there are people out there who are actually struggling. People who can’t make ends meet even when they did have jobs to go to.”

“Okay, but that’s not how pain works. You’re allowed to hurt, too.”

“But I don’t want to hurt, Cal. That's the whole problem. I don’t want to feel like this.”

“Well, what do you want?”

“I don’t know. This maybe? To be held by someone I know cares about me.”

“Touch-starved?”

“Maybe a little.”

“Well, good. So am I.” He shifted one last time to lay down on his side, pulling Melody’s back to his chest. “Do you mind?”

“No, not at all. This is…” her voice choked around the words, cutting off her sentence.

Calum’s chin rubbed in her hair as he nodded. “I know. I got you, and you got me, right?”

“Always, Cal, always.”

__

Tag List

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[theyneverblindmedarling]

Any upcoming theories? Also idk why but I feel WB is Taylor herself like the lyrics she wrote are too raw and “presently hurting” type for it to be *** or possibly Harry anyways

I have a theory on the 1 in the works (have for a while im just busy lol) I’m hoping to post like a blurb on it soon to see what people think before I do like a bigger thing...after that I was thinking abt what to do next and I was either gonna go track by track through her most recent three (next would be cruel summer or cardigan since I think we kinda know who endgame is about...) but idk if there are some that you would like to hear first lmk but again its going to take a while...

also i have the kiwi in august thing to work on and I have a Reimagined version of lover filling up my drafts that I want to get out soon (i changed the tracklist so its a mix of lover songs and songs from other albums/artists I like that I think fit well amongst the tracks) but also thats just for me aka nobody asked lmao

and finally yeah I think theres still a lot to unpack with that one but I dont think we have all the information (or all the correct information) which is why it doesnt make sense

[seongbyeol]

Memories || Sirius Black x Reader

Note: This is something a bit new for me I guess. Should I write a story about being Harry’s aunt? I’ve been seriously thinking about that for some time.

Warnings: Slight smut. Would this be consider slight smut? I guess it’s put out there that it’s obviously going to happen. Also, Grammar errors!

Word count: 1359

Fandom: Harry Potter

Pair: Sirius Black x Reader

——————————

"This is the last box." I said while placing one of the boxes on the floor of our new house.

Sirius was inspecting the rooms one more time, I imagine he was planning Which one would be our bedroom. I walked slowly towards him, placing both of my hands around his waist. I took our height difference at my advantage and placed a small kiss on the back of his neck. Making him later look back at me with a smirk.

"Hi.”He said, not letting his smirk fall.

"Hi.." I said back, placing a kiss on his lips. "I think we should start unpacking and leave the rooms for later. What do you say?"

"Oh yes please, it was giving me a headache!"

I laughed at that comment, grabbing one of his hands and dragging him with me towards the living room.

We started opening boxes, taking all the bedroom stuff and leaving it aside for later. Before we knew it, the kitchen was done, and now we were taking out all kinds of decorations for the living room.

"I'm kind of thirsty, should we drink some wine?" His words took all my attention away from our records collection, something he picked up because of me.

"You read my mind" I said while nodding.

I heard him giggle while walking towards the kitchen, getting out of view because of the wall dividing the kitchen and living room. I went back onto looking through the records making sure all where there, when a box grabbed my attention. This box had "Memories" written at the side, and I decided to look into this box and let the record box alone for a few.

I opened the box, and the first thing I saw was my old polaroid camera. Which I thought I had lost. I left it on top of the couch, right behind me, and kept looking through the box, finding albums and old pictures. Just when I was about to open the first album Sirius came back with a bottle of red wine, and two cups.

"Sorry for taking long (Y/N). I forgot where we put the wine." He said, making me laugh at how he just forgot that easily."Is that..? It is!"

He said exited and came towards me. He sat next to me and took the album away, looking at the cover lovingly.

"This album is full of pictures of us when we where friends." He said opening the album, right in the first page was a picture of us in our Hogwarts uniforms just at the last day of our 7th year. It was the time we had told eachother what we wanted to do after school

"This is really old. You where what? 17, 18 years old?"I said surprised he still had that picture.

"Yea, and to be honest, I really liked you then. I was just scared to say anything. Didn’t want to ruin our friendship”

I looked at him after what he said. We've been trough so much. I kissed his temple and grabbed the wine and cups. Serving us some wine. Giving him one of the cups.

"I love you Sirius. And I will always love you. I hope you know that." My free hand went towards his cheek, rubbing my thumb on it in circular motions.

"I love you too." He said while resting his head on my hand. "To us?"

"To us." I said back, drinking from the wine.

Without knowing Sirius came closer and gave me a small kiss, surprising me a little. Which made me pull him again into a more elevaded kiss. He accepted it allmost immediately. We where like that for a few seconds, before we ran out of air.

We kept going through the albums, laughing and remembering the old memories. Some more horrible than others, but all great, and worth remembering.

"Those where such good memories." Said Sirius.

At this moment we where a little drunk. We had finished the wine, and now we where both resting on the sofa. I was on top of Sirius, while resting my head on his chest, while one of his arms was wrapped around my waist, and the other one was used as a pillow.

"You know... We can make new memories. Starting.... now!"

I took out my old polaroid camera which I was hinding, and started taking pictures of a now Surprised Sirius.

"Noo! Stop it (Y/N), I look horrible!" He was trying to take the camera from my hands. But I wasn't letting him.

We ended up whith me siting on top of him still trying to take away the camera. Making a slight friction between our bottoms. Making him groan a little. Which made me abruptly stop and look at him. He looked to the side, and then back at me. Pretending it wasn't his doing. I looked down, noticing the slightly but obvious bump on his pants, that was increasing.

"Don't try and deny it, when I can crearly see the bump." I said in a scolding matter, making him playfully roll my eyes.

"Want to take care of it?" He asked, taking me a little bit by surprise.

My hands traveled towards the edge of his pants playing with it in a seductive way, feeling how his bump moved a little. I bit my button lip, trying to appear more seductive, which by the looks in his eyes I had know it had worked. I slowly started to move my hips in a rotating motion, teasing his already hard member, making him let out a few other groans. I finally Unbuttoned and unzipped his pants. Seeing how much he enjoyed to be finally free from those tight jeans.

"Wait.." He said a little out of breath. "Are you sure about this?"

We've done it before, but every time he would ask. Which was something I found really cute.

"Don't make me think about this now. We already started." I said back, while slowly leaning towards him.

He tried leaning towards me and connect our lips, resulting in me playfully pulling away with that smile I knew he loved. Only making him groan even more, while feeling his member rub with my center between the think fabrics of his pants. I accidentally dropped my polaroid camera, which I still had in hand, and went straight for the shoulders. Making sure to maintain him on the sofa.

"Ok then, let's get started.."

--------

We took a shower together and got dressed, deciding that we should at least put the mattress on the floor to sleep. Which He did alone, because I was still in the bathroom.

A few minutes after I finished drying my hair, I walked towards the living room, just to find that Sirius wasn’t there. I walked towards the kitchen, where the almost empty wine bottle was put away, and the glasses cleaned, but no sign of Sirius. That was until I heard the click of an all too familiar Polaroid. When I turned around I found Sirius at the entrance of the kitchen, taking a second picture of me.

"Hey stop that." I told him.

"Those are some beautiful red marks you have there on your tights Mrs. Black." He said in a mocking way.

"Yea? My husband did them. Jealous?" I said mocking him back. Before noticing he had a shirt on that covered the marks on his collar bones pretty well. “Can't say he's very proud of the marks I left on him" I said, Pretending to be sad. Which made him laugh.

"I’m not covering them up. Who said I was?” He walked towards me. Taking another picture this time closer. "Too bad you decided to be a photographer instead of joining the order. We could've been awesome together. We could've have more awesome memories to share."

"What? I am part of the order." I said with a laugh, while playfully giving him a punch on his chest. Right after that, he pulled me towards him by my waist." But you know what? If I hadn’t become a photographer, who would have taken the wonderful pictures of you we have around the house? Only I can do that.”

"Touche"

[1dffexchange]

Uncomfortable Silences

To: Vicki @angstarella​

From: Liv @midnightcities​

Summary: It’s been 927 days since Rowie messily ended her two year relationship with Harry. 659 days since Harry Styles bared his soul and shared it for the world to hear in the form of a best-selling debut album. 173 days since his number had flashed across the screen of her phone. But finally, Rowie was starting to feel her sense of normalcy return.

It was any other Saturday morning. A half eaten piece of Marmite toast lay forgotten on the kitchen counter along with the dregs of my morning coffee. There was a haphazard pile of trousers at the foot of my bed that I had created when searching for my favourite black pair. My 10 minute snooze turned into almost 25 minutes and I was now on a time crunch to pull myself together for my Saturday shift. Despite promising myself that I would go to bed at an acceptable hour last night, I fell prey to my best friend’s masterful coercing and stayed out far longer than I originally intended. You think by now I would know better.

I was in my bathroom, scraping my hair back into a bun, when I heard the buzz of my phone. Jules, the aforementioned best friend I’m sure, checking in to either complain about her killer headache or to help fill in her hazy memory. This had become a bit of a ritual for us.

One last glance in the mirror and I deemed myself suitable enough to face the horde of Saturday shoppers. I flicked the bathroom light off and grabbed my phone that I had earlier tossed onto my unmade bed. The phone screen lit up as I brought it to eye level. I immediately dropped the phone back onto the bed when I saw the notification:

+44 7106 555555 iMessage

I had finally deleted that number almost a year ago; that’s the best way to move on according to all the break-up articles and books I have pored over the past 2 and a bit years. They don’t tell you how to delete a number from your memory though. I haven’t seen it grace my phone screen in quite some time, the longest stint yet actually. And still, it made my heart stutter erratically and my palms clammy.

What does he want now? Has something happened? Work. I haven’t seen much of him online lately. Who was that last girl he was linked to again? Work. Is this going to be some half-assed, drunk apology again? I need to go to work.

I broke myself out of my impending trainwreck of thoughts, forcing myself to throw all my effort into moving my body. I snatched up my bag and grabbed my phone once again. My eyes squeezed shut, not wanting to see that damn number as I shoved it to the depths of my bag. Out of sight out of mind, right?

****

Waterstones was a staple part of my childhood London visits, so landing a job here in my first year of studying was a dream. I was lucky enough to take up residence at the Gower Street store. It always was my favourite, with its twisting shelves and hidden nooks, and it’s a bonus that it’s only a 5 minute walk from main campus for those days when I have class. As a child I always thought this would be the perfect place to play a game of hide-and-seek. And on days like today where I would rather do anything than enthusiastically suggest a middle-aged woman some egregious romance novel, the labyrinth nature of the store was appreciated.

I was tucked away on the third floor, shelving some second-hand Philosophy books. I studied each title intently, skimmed each books synopsis, and threw all my mental energy into deciphering what the philosophical knowledge each book was actually trying to impart. The upper levels of the store are the perfect study sanctuary; I have spent many hours holed up in here writing last minute essays. But today the comfortable silence was not good for my current mental state.

I had thrown my bag into the designated employee locker out the back, my phone remaining ignored in the depths. I’m sure I felt it vibrate again when I was on the tube but it stayed unopened and unchecked. I can’t do this again, I really can’t put myself through… that again.

“Um… Excuse me…” A quiet voice caught me off guard.

I turned, book still in hand, to see three girls standing awkwardly near the W-Z section of Social Sciences. They looked a little young to be browsing up here, but I reserved my judgements. “Yes, how may I help you today?” I flashed my customer service smile.

The girl in the middle opened her mouth before snapping it shut again. The one on the left nudged her, giving her a look of slight impatience. Odd.

“Are… are you…” She attempted again.

Now the one on the right shook her head and pushed herself forward. “Are you Rowena Porter?”

I felt my heart begin to stutter, my stomach clench. “Excuse me?”

“Rowie…” the girl in the middle whispered, “she likes to be called Rowie.”

“Whatever,” she shrugged, “are you Rowie Porter?”

“I’m sorry,” my cheeks felt hot and I could feel my hands starting to shake, “but I’m afraid I can’t help you with that.”

The girl on the right took a couple steps toward me, clearly she was the most confident of the three. “Harry Styles has been seen coming here a lot lately. And then I remembered reading on Twitter that you work here. Has he been visiting you? Are you back together?”

My breath hitched. Harry was here? When? Why? Was it to see me? Surely out of all the Waterstones in London he wouldn’t choose this one for his bookish needs. It can’t be a mere coincidence.

The three girls stared at me expectantly, as if I was about to really about to reveal some intimate, albeit non-existent, love-life details. I placed the book in my hand on the shelf adjacent to me and took a steading breath. “I’m sorry girls, but Rowena quit working here a while back. I’m afraid I can’t help you any more than that.”

“Oh, so you just happen to look like her?” The girl challenged.

“Coincidence.”

“But--”

“Look,” my tone had become considerably more clipped, “if you have any book related questions I am happy to help you out. Otherwise I need to continue on with my job.” I picked up the half-empty box of Philosophy books that still needed unpacking and headed down the aisle and away from the girls. I prayed that they weren’t following me. It took every ounce of my self-control to not completely blow up at them and tell them, in the nicest way possible, to sod off. But now I was throwing all my focus into not breaking down in the middle of the Greek and Roman Classics section.

I pounded down the three flights of stairs, determined to hold myself together to at least the back storage area. My head was swimming, like I had just thrown back five consecutive shots of Jäger, and my face prickling with sweat.

Just as I was about the push past the registers, my unstable hands got the better of me and I dropped the box, the books tumbling out. “Shit.” I scrambled onto my knees to pile the books back up but tears began to blur my vision and I could feel the stares of customers. Keep it together. Keep it together. Keep it together.

“Rowie, are you okay?”

A pair of hands shot out and began haphazardly throwing the books back into the box. The hands belonged to Will, one of my co-workers and probably one of the only people I considered an actual friend on staff. I sat back, letting him collect the last few books, and willed my hands to stop trembling and for my tears to not spill over. Will stood and lifted the box up and behind the counter before offering me his hand. I hoped he couldn’t feel the stickiness of perspiration on my palms. “Alright?”

I shook my head. “I need to go.”

His eyebrows furrowed in obvious concern. “Do you want me to call someone? You look shaken up… What happened?”

Again, I shook my head. “Who’s on today?”

“Mara.” One small win, she was the kindest of all the store managers. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind my early departure.

“Can you please just tell her I had a family emergency or something. I really need to get out of here.” I pushed past Will, past the registers, and burst through the back storage area doors.

“Is this because of Harry?” I hadn’t realised Will had followed me.

I whirled back around meeting his worried gaze. “What?”

“He was here... A few days ago.” He spoke cautiously, he could clearly tell I was on the verge of breaking. “He asked for you.”

“And you didn’t tell me?”

“Rowie, why would I? Look at the state of you right now, I wasn’t about to do that to you.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, counted to 10, and forced myself to take some calming breaths. Anything to stop the rising panic. “You did the right thing,” I spoke finally. I could see Will let out a small breath in relief. “I still need to deal with this though, please tell Mara for me.”

“Row--”

“No,” I cut him off before he could go on his usual tirade of why my ex is not worth my time, something that I normally do appreciate. “Just… Let me deal with this. I’ll talk to you later.”

Will pursed his lips, I could tell that he was struggling to keep his opinions quiet. He merely turned and walked back out to the store front. I knew he wasn’t happy, but that was something I needed to push aside for now.

I turned and made my way to the staff locker and retrieved my bag. Time to face the music. I grabbed my phone. The screen lit as I brought it to view. Four messages. All from that same number. My thumb hovered over the notification, my stomach churning at the thought of what could be contained in those four messages. I unlocked my phone.

+44 7106 555555

(7:42 am): Rowie, I know you don’t want to hear from me but can you please give me a call. Harry.

(8:09 am): Please Row

(8:47 am): im desperate

(8:48 am): i need you.

I stared at the four little blue bubbles, unable to process them. A weird sense of calm had blanketed me. My previously hammering heart had slowed, my hands were still, my breath even. Almost robotically, I dropped my phone back into my bag and made a beeline straight out of Waterstones and into the chaos of Gower Street.

im desperate. i need you. im desperate. i need you. im desperate. i need you. im desperate. i need you.

The words flashed over and over in my mind with my every footfall. My thoughts wandered to every possible scenario as to what he could need. A jostle from a stranger awoke me from my abstraction and I realised I was already on the Euston Square platform. A train had just pulled up, my train I confirmed when I glanced over at the schedule. I quickly slipped on just as the doors closed and found a free seat. I sat rigidly, the sway of the carriage slowly pulling me back into my spiralling thoughts.

****

It felt like time was moving funny. My usual 25 minute journey felt like it was over in less than 5. The encounter with those girls this morning felt like it happened hours ago when it has barely been over an hour. That weird sense of calm I felt earlier was ebbing away and I could feel the panic begin to nestle it’s way back in. And the crowded train platform wasn’t helping me to keep my impending panic attack at bay. I needed a voice of reason, someone to help guide me through. I needed Jules.

I moved with the commuters but reached into my bag for my phone, praying she would be awake. Just as I unlocked my phone though, it began vibrating. Jules’ name appeared on the screen; what are the chances. I answered immediately.

“Oh, Rowie. Thank god,” Jules’ breathless voice greeted me, “I thought you wouldn’t pick up because of work.”

“Yeah, I was there but I left. I was just about to ring you actually. Is everything alright with you?” I tapped my Oyster card against the scanner, keen to get away from the claustrophobic nature of the London Underground.

“Wait, where are you now?”

“Just got off the tube, heading home. There was… An incident at work.” I finally stepped out on the street, the fresh air felt good.

“Home?! Oh god. Listen Rowie, I’m so sorry but I didn’t know what to do.”

Jules sounded truly panicked now, enough for me to stop my brisk walking pace and throw all my attention into the call. “What do you mean you didn’t know what to do? What is going on?”

“It’s-- It’s Harry.”

My stomach dropped, for the umpteenth time today. “Is he okay?”

“I don’t know! He rang me, I don’t even know how he has my number. He was asking for you, but he didn’t sound right. He had been to your flat, your old one though, didn’t even know you had moved.” Of course he doesn’t, he wouldn’t know anything that has happened to me in the past two years. “I wasn’t sure if it was an emergency, I didn’t know how to help.”

“It’s okay, you did the right thing by talking to him.”

“No, Rowie I-- Oh, I told him where you live now. Row, I think he’s waiting for you there.”

****

The last time I counted, it had been 643 days since I had seen Harry in person. That’s just over two years. And it has essentially taken me up until now to feel that sense of normalcy return which I craved back when I first ended our relationship. But seeing him sat on my flat’s front step, even from a distance, made me realise that no amount of time is going to stop that visceral, all-consuming feeling he has always given me.

He was hunched over, a beanie pulled down tight over his curls. It wasn’t even cold out yet, but I assume he’s wearing it to stay somewhat hidden. He fiddled with his phone and then tucked it away, tugged at the sleeves of the black sweater he was wearing, clasped and unclasped his hands. I could tell he was nervous. And judging from the twitches of my hands, so was I.

I crossed the street and approached him cautiously. He was so consumed with his thoughts he didn’t even hear me approach. I cleared my throat, crossing my arms in a way to steel myself.

Harry’s head jerked up, recognition immediately flooding his muted green eyes. “Rowie…” He stood. I forgot how tall he was.

“Hello, Harry.” I spoke quietly. I was surprised my tone hid my tumbling emotions so well.

“It’s…” he exhaled, “it’s so good to see you.”

I rolled my lips and nodded slowly, unsure of what to say.

“Can I come up?”

No, no, no, no. My flat was one of my only Harry-free zones. No memories were attached. Everything had been removed that reminded me of him. Seeing him up there now would bring up a slew of problems. “I don’t think that would be best,” I spoke carefully. I was still trying to gauge where he was at mentally right now; he seemed off.

“You know I wouldn’t normally insist but I think it would be best. If someone spots me here you’re gonna be dealing with… Well you know the routine.”

He was right. And especially after what happened this morning, the last thing I need is more obsessive fans waiting outside my flat. “Fair enough.”

I unfolded my arms and grabbed my keys from my bag. Harry followed me up the few steps and watched as I unlocked the door. My hands visibly shook as I twisted the key. I know he noticed but he said nothing. In silence, we walked up the four flights of stairs and down the hall to flat 408. I let us in, promptly locking the door behind us.

My current flat was quite different from the one Harry had known. Paying my way through a Masters degree and some other unexpected financial problems at home had forced me to downsize, coupled with the fact that I was desperate to leave those walls which were filled to the brim with memories of us.

I watched as Harry’s eyes scanned the space - the cramped kitchen with the leaky tap, the speckled counter that doubled as a dining table, the IKEA sofa I had picked up on sale last winter. I knew my living space was a stark contrast to what Harry was likely used to and I couldn’t take his scrutinising gaze any longer. I knew my somewhat cool exterior was beginning to crack, the unwanted feelings of anxiety pushing to burst through and consume me. I needed some relief.

I left Harry standing awkwardly near the doorway and stepped into the kitchen. Dumping my bag on the counter, I began searching through the drawers for what I knew I needed. I was beginning to feel light-headed again, my whole body falling prey to the shakes. Tucked snuggly next to a half-used pack of Panadol and some Strepsils was the bottle I was searching for. The safety cap proved too difficult for my unsteady fingers though. I let out a small groan of frustration.

“You need a hand?” Harry carefully took the bottle from my hands, expertly twisting the top off. He handed it back, but not before peeking at the label, something I wish he didn’t do. “Alprazolam? Isn’t that--”

“Xanax, yes.” I tossed back two pills dry, desperate for their calming effect.

“Oh. Uh, you should be careful with those. They can be addictive and--”

“Yes, I know that Harry,” I snapped. “Not that it’s any of your business but they’ve been prescribed and I only take them when the situation calls for it.”

My abrupt tone took Harry by surprise, judging from the way he shifted away from me. I could see he was chewing on the inside of his cheek, unsure of what to say. I felt a twinge of guilt at my unwarranted outburst.

“It helps with my panic attacks,” I said quietly after a few moments. “I haven’t had a full blown attack in a while though. I’m good at knowing the signs now. Shaky hands, erratic heart rate, feeling faint.”

He nodded slowly. “I didn’t know… How long have you been dealing with them?”

I sighed heavily. I knew Harry wasn’t going to like my answer. “I had my first one in 2015. They were at their worst in 2016 though. That’s when I got medical help.”

“2015… Wait…” I watched as Harry connected the dots. I moved out of the kitchen and towards the sofa, as if putting some distance between us would soften the blow of seeing his reaction. “That’s when we were together. You were having panic attacks and didn’t even tell me?!”

“They weren’t a big deal, I didn’t want to worry you.”

Harry ripped his beanie off and slammed it down on the kitchen counter. I jumped, both at the sound and Harry’s sudden, extreme mood change. “God, Rowie,” he spat bitterly, “I was your fucking boyfriend. I was supposed to worry about you. To help you!”

“It was almost 4 years ago Harry—“

“So?!” He cut me off. “I had some right to know what you were dealing with!”

I could feel my face heating up, not due to panic but because of anger this time. “What I was dealing with? What I was dealing with? You wouldn’t have been able to understand Harry.”

“Try me.”

“You were born for this life Harry, an entertainer at heart able to bounce through life without worrying about what millions of people around the world think of you. But not me. Seeing my name, my personal life, splashed across social media and in news articles. People commenting about me, online and in person. People saying I don’t deserve you. I couldn’t handle it anymore.”

Harry’s hands were clenched on the counter, frustration radiating off him. “For two years I have sat and analysed every facet of our relationship, wandering what I did wrong. Repeated that day you ended everything over and over. I wrote a whole fucking album for you.”

“I didn’t ask you to,” I interjected harshly.

“And if you had just told me these things at the time I could’ve helped you through it. Together, like a couple is supposed to!”

I shook my head. “I did what had to be done. It was the right thing for us. And for you.”

“No, it wasn’t. You broke my heart, Rowena.” His voice broke and I felt the sting of tears in my eyes. I was rendered speechless. My full name hung in the air between us, an uncomfortable silence smothering the room. It seems silly to be caught off guard by my own name, but I’ve never heard him say it. I’ve always been Rowie, his Rowie.

As we both stood there, kitchen counter separating us, staring but remaining unmoving, I felt as though I was truly seeing Harry for the first time today. With the beanie off I could see his hair looked unusually unkempt, his curls limp as though they needed a good wash. His skin had broken out, which I knew only happened when he was stressed, and the dark circles under his eyes confirmed that suspicion. His hands which were always adorned with an assortment of rings were bare. Even his clothes looked disheveled. This wasn’t the Harry I knew standing before me.

“Harry…” I said softly, breaking the silence, “what’s really going on? Why did you need to see me?”

I watched as he hunched over the counter, resting his head in his hands. His fingers twined into his hair, gripping at the root. As he ran his hands through the flat curls, he brought his gaze up to meet mine. His eyes had filled with tears and I felt that immediate pang in my heart.

Without inhibition, I joined Harry back in the kitchen and gathered him up in my arms, bringing his head down to the crook of my neck. As I stroked the nape of his neck, I felt his arms twist around my waist and pull me tight. I knew he wasn’t crying, but I could feel every ounce of emotion through his embrace. And suddenly I felt at peace, and not because of the meds. I hated that it felt so right to be here in this moment, that the one thing that could stabilise me was the thing I drove away years ago.

Harry loosened his grip and I took it as a sign to pull away slightly. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

I furrowed my brows in confusion. “For what? I’m the one who should be apologising for being shitty and leaving without a proper explanation.”

“I should’ve seen it, the struggles you were having. You’re right, this life can be hard. And it was silly of me to just assume that you were coping with it fine. You say that I don’t worry about what people think of me, I don’t. But that’s after years of me being so caught up in it. I had to learn to ignore and move past the crap.”

“I should have told you though…” I said softly.

He drew his hands away from my waist, instead clasping my own hands in his and bringing them up to his chin. I felt the softest graze of his lips as he stared down at me, my heart skittered ever so slightly. “I really miss you, Row. Everyday.”

I nodded, unsure if I could trust myself to string together a coherent sentence.

He sighed heavily, dropping my hands and taking a step back to lean against my oven. I immediately missed the contact. “In 47 days I’m supposed to be announcing my upcoming album. Which means I have about 42 days to get the tracks laid. The first instance of them anyways.” I watched as he rubbed his eyes with his thumb and index finger. “And I am so fucking lost.”

I still stood quietly, unsure of what I could really say. Words of encouragement from me right now would surely feel superficial to him.

“God, last time I struggled to cut down the track list. I had such a backlog of material, it was mental.”

I knew I had some role to play with that. Breaking up with someone just as they were about to embark on launching a solo career would result in an abundance of inspiration.

“And this time I have nothing…” he continued on. “Everything I write is utter shite, and the pressure from the label isn’t helping.”

“Push back the announcement then,” I finally spoke.

He laughed, without humor though. “If only it was that easy Rowie. You remember what it was like when I was in the band, the label asking for a new record every bloody year. That was considered feasible as there were five of us. Now according to them, going beyond a 2 year break between records is ‘not recommended’.”

I snorted, and Harry looked at me questioningly. “Seriously? That’s crap. How many artists have been MIA for years and still come back with another best-selling album. Harry, you’re underestimating your talents a little I think. This isn’t like your early years of One Direction where you guys had to pump out content in order to stay relevant. You’ve put in the hard yards and made your mark, you are here to stay.”

A flicker of a smile appeared on his lips. It gave me the confidence to continue on.

“You could literally release an album that consisted primarily of whale and dolphin calls and it would number one on release day.”

That got a laugh out of him. “Not sure if the label would like that though.”

I approached him slowly. “Well, I would love it. In fact, I’ve already got it pre-ordered on iTunes and saved on my Spotify.” I stood toe to toe with Harry, my fingers reaching out to the hem of his sweater. It was taking all of my self-restraint to not stretch up and trace his jawline, to comb back his hair with my fingers.

Instead, Harry seized the opportunity. Cautiously, he placed his hand to the side of my face. I melted into his touch. His lips parted ever so slightly before rolling them together, his telltale sign that he wanted to kiss me but was unsure.

“It’s okay,” I barely whispered out. I rolled up onto my toes, bringing my arms around his neck before pressing my lips against his. It felt as though no time had passed; we were in sync immediately, our mouths moving with familiarity. I raked my nails up through his hair and he mirrored by running his down my sides.

But as sudden as we had fallen back into routine, Harry pulled away. I couldn’t help a small sound of detest escape my mouth. “Shit,” he mumbled. He unlatched my arms from around his neck and pressed them back into my chest. “I shouldn’t… I know this isn’t what you want.” He sidestepped me and moved as far away from me as possible, which was only a few meters as that’s all my flat would allow.

“Who are you to say what I do and don’t want?” I challenged.

“You just told me the enormous toll our relationship had on you mentally. And I didn’t come here to try and win you back.”

I suddenly felt like I had been used. “So, what? You have no inspiration to write some songs so you come and see me, dredge up old problems, and then run off to the studio? Is that all I am to you now? A muse of emotional trauma?”

His eyes widened. “Jesus Rowie, of course not! I needed to see you because I knew you would be a voice of reason for me. Every person that I have spoken to about this album just doesn't get it. They’re all too… I don’t know. Too close to the project? They all just think I have a bit of writer’s block. My mum told me to clear my head by taking a walk in a bloody forest or something!”

I leant back, taking up the same position against my oven that Harry held minutes earlier. “How can my opinion even mean anything? I don’t know what’s gone on with you for the past 2 and a bit years.”

“And yet, I’ve felt more at ease here with you this past hour than I have for the past 6 months.”

“What, my 3 sentences of encouragement have instantly filled you with the creative juices you’ve been craving?”

“I wish,” Harry chuckled. “But your sense of assurance helps.”

I was about to respond when the buzz of a phone interrupted me. It sounded muffled, so I knew it was coming from my bag which lay forgotten at the end of the counter. It was most likely Jules, checking in to see if I’m alright.

“That’s probably a sign that I should go.” He collected his beanie that he had thrown down earlier and shoved it back on his head, paying no attention to the way it smushed some curls flat against his forehead. “Again, I’m sorry to barge in on you like this. I appreciate that you gave me the chance to talk though.” He jerked forward, unsure if we should hug goodbye or if he should just leave. I made the decision easier for him by crossing the kitchen and wrapping my arms around his waist. Pressing my ear to his chest I could hear the steady thump of his heart, a sound that I have fallen asleep to countless times. I felt Harry press his lips to the top of my head. This hug felt different, like a proper goodbye hug. Not ‘see you later’, but goodbye.

We pulled apart, locking eyes for one last time. “Good luck with everything,” I murmured.

“I’ll let you know when the Harry Styles featuring Whale and Dolphin album will be dropping.”

I let out a shaky laugh before moving around him to unlock the door. He stepped out, gave me one last smile, and turned to walk down the hall. I watched him walk until he disappeared from view, he didn’t turn back once.

That goodbye felt like it was the final closure we both needed, that now we could finally move on with our lives and be relatively happy. Maybe now I could hear and see his name and not feel a clench in my stomach. Or have those cluey fans find me and not dissolve into a puddle of panic.

But despite all these prospects, I knew it wasn’t the ending I wanted. Or the ending I really needed. My feet moved without warrant. I picked up speed, pounded down the stairs almost tripping over. I saw him, he had just stepped out of the building and down the steps. I burst through the door and he spun around, eyes wide with surprise.

“Stay.” I puffed out.

He blinked. Once, twice. “What?”

“I’m asking you to stay,” I descended the front steps and joined Harry on the footpath. “I just did the most cliché, rom-com thing and chased after you to ask you to stay. I mean, all that is missing right now is some rain and we would have the perfect scene.”

He laughed.

“Please, I’m serious.”

“Rowie, after what you said we can’t get back together. We--”

“After what I said we should be getting back together.”

Harry looked at me puzzled.

“I’m not going to be a prat now and try to shoulder all the pressure. I was stupid to not trust that you could help me in the first place. And I’ve gotten better at managing the anxiety.”

He was quiet for a while, staring down at me. I was desperate for something, even just a graze of his hand for reassurance. I was about to revoke the offer, feeling that maybe I had misread the situation, but he finally responded. “Are you sure? I don’t want you… I don’t want you to get hurt again.”

“So sure that I ran down four flights of stairs and almost broke a leg for you.”

We both grinned before Harry pulled me in for a kiss. It was short and sweet but felt like home all the same.

“Let’s go up.” I said once we had broken apart.

“Oh… Uh... Actually,” Harry stammered. Oh god, have I suddenly been to forward or something? “I really need to swing by the studio. My phone has basically been in airplane mode all day and I was supposed to be there for a session at 10 am. I’ve been off the grid without even telling anyone.” He bit his lip, obviously unsure of how I would react.

“Go,” I said with a smile. Sure, the timing was crappy but I knew he would be back.

“I’ll be back,” he said as though he had just read my mind. “I’ll bring dinner tonight. Some thai food? Panang curry with fried rice?”

I smiled. He remembered my order. “Don’t forget--”

“Extra green beans in the curry.” He placed his hand on my cheek, bending down slightly to press a kiss to my forehead. “I’ll see you soon.”

And with that, he turned and began walking up the street, his phone pressed to his ear. No doubt he was finally responding to some very concerned people on his whereabouts. I watched him until turned the corner at the end of the block. I continued to stand there on the footpath outside my flat feeling calm, finally feeling at peace.

It almost seemed silly that this morning Harry Styles was the catalyst for a tumultuous amount of negative emotion, and yet my Harry was the one that was able to calm the storm and ground me.

I suppose I should thank him for that. I’ll do it when he comes home.

[riverdalenerdlol]

I’ve been thinking about the Alice teaming with the FBI thing...

Now, this is still an ongoing train of thought, but what if Charles didn’t contact Alice until, like, halfway through the season? When she was knee deep in it already?

That would clear up some of Alice’s actions that aren’t covered by the revelation (aka, due to the Farm’s brainwashing scheme/Alice’s bad parenting).

I’m talking pre-3x13:

Sending Betty to the Sisters

Taking Betty’s college fund

Saying she didn’t trust Betty

Alice generally being a dick before 3x13, etc.

Betty is concerned about her mom in 3x13 when it seems like Alice has cut her out. That can really go one of two ways: Alice just gave up on trying to get Betty into the Farm (and it’s another inexcusable action by Alice) OR Alice was in contact with the FBI and Charles and she was trying to protect Betty by cutting her out of her investigation with the Farm. I think it’s more likely to be the latter.

She knows that there are two main paths to take to protect her youngest: push Betty away so she’s far from the Farm OR bring her in so that she can keep an eye on Betty while investigating for the FBI. Alice knows that Betty is relentless in trying to get what she wants, and she knows that Betty won’t conform to the Farm after everything in the first half of the season. So Alice pushes Betty away for her safety.

I don’t really know what was going on with Alice selling the house and ditching Betty, but it sounds like another attempt to push Betty away. She knows damn well that Betty will not cave and go to the Farm, no matter what she proposes, so she sells their house so that Betty will be protected somewhere else, probably with a friend. I think it’s a stupid plan because Betty isn’t one to give up, but Alice is doing what she thinks (I would have tried to find an alternative) needs to be done.

3x17, Alice admits to talking to her son, who we now know is alive and not dead. She says a few things to Betty about how she talks to Charles, but Betty is under the impression that Charles is dead and writes it off on Edgar and whatever he’s doing at the Farm.

3x18 is the biggest teller and there’s a lot to unpack. Alice admits to talking to her son again just before Betty chloroforms her. Betty has forcefully taken her mother to the bunker and starts trying to get her to come back to her (I cry every time I watch this scene, but either way). All Betty is doing is trying to get Alice to come back to sanity but Alice pushes back. She is trying to get Betty to see that she is full in with the Farm (without mentioning her involvement with the FBI) and that she’s not going anywhere. She pushes Betty away the entire time (hopefully for Betty’s sake because Alice is fully informed that the Farm is Bad News): “Look, I love you, I love you, Betty... But you’re gonna have to let me go.” Now that I know that Alice is only there with the FBI, it is plain to me that she is trying to protect her daughter by keeping her away.

“This is your life,” Betty tells her before she leaves, setting down a stack of photo albums next to her mother. “Look at it and remember who you are.”

Let me tell you. The look in Alice’s eyes. The way she tries to grab Betty as she leaves... IM NOT DEFENDING ALICE BUT IT LOOKS LIKE SHE WANTED TO TELL BETTY THEN AND THERE THAT SHE WAS WORKING WITH THE FBI THE ENTIRE TIME (sorry this scene makes me emotional).

And when Betty comes back to her mom, she finds Alice burning family photos. That’s harsh. To get the Farm to believe her, and for Betty to believe that she is actually with the Farm (not undercover with the FBI), Alice decides that’s the only way to do it. She needs Betty to let her go so that she can investigate.

She knows that Betty will expose the truth. She’s done it to her mother before (revealing she was a Serpent in S2), and Alice can’t have it happening this time when the stakes are much, much higher.

3x20, Alice isn’t seen much. She is still playing the part of a brainwashed farmie for the FBI. She is present when Betty chooses to enter the Farm for her safety from her father, unknowing that her mother is undercover. Alice doesn’t really encourage it or try to get her away, but she seems in favor if not for Betty’s safety (like Betty was looking to get out of it), than so that Alice can keep an eye on her.

3x22, Alice obviously begins to question everyone’s safety at the Farm, rounds up the wagons, and Ascends with the Farm so as not to arouse any more suspicion. She is concerned about Betty’s whereabouts and gets Edgar to admit to graverobbing (lmao, Jason, after Cheryl bursts in) and obviously has Edgar’s trust as he was about to reveal his organ harvesting to her. Alice then sneaks Cheryl out of the Farm before it’s too later, along with Juniper. She stays behind for Polly (and I think, appearances so that it looks like she’s still loyal), but makes Cheryl promise to make sure Betty is safe.

Whatever Alice has done throughout the season to convince Edgar she sides with him has worked, as it was apparent that he was fooled by her

As the season goes on (again, this is ONGOING), Alice starts to distance Betty from her.

Alice isn’t one to be defended in any case... I’m just trying to help myself make sense of what can be blamed on FBI involvements and what can’t. If that means that sometimes i have to see Alice’s perspective over Betty’s, then so be it. I’m also trying to see Alice’s POV because we don’t really know what she was trying to do or what she was thinking. But I can only assume that Alice’s primary goal (while she was with the FBI) was to keep Betty safe.

I’ll keep updating this as I go and find more evidence and whatever.

I’m not even sure if this makes sense, but it’s here for consideration.

And none of this can be proven until Season 4 happens, but again, it’s here for consideration.

[shedidntevenswear]

Lover - My Initial Reactions to all non-singles

Ok so I just had this draft up as I was listening and wrote down exactly what came to my brain thorughout, its more for posterity’s sake but like feel free to read under the jump

I Forgot You Existed:

literally lyrically amazing within the first verse i cant even pick a favorite line

this is such a bop i am

IT ISNT LOVE IT ISNT HATE ITS JUST INDIFFERENCE

the production on this is so perfect like just enough to have fun but not enough to overshadow the extremely good lyrics

THE LAUGH we get a laugh i cry oh my gosh theres more laughs

all of the half spoken lines are peak 

Cruel Summer

the transition into this song was so freakin smooth

mmm sexy i love this chorus

the metaphors are strong with this one i am here for it

we are 2 for 2 on stellar bridges

“I love you isnt that the worst thing you’ve ever heard” yeah i felt that

the screaming after she says “i scream for whatever its worth” like yes sign me up for these backing vocals

The Man

two lines in and we are spilling the tea so hard im scalding

TAYLOR YES SAY IT LIKE IT FREAKIN IS

“could i be separated from my good ideas and power plays”

I dont get the Leo reference I feel v uncultured haha

the production on this album is a perfect middle ground between 1989 and rep

BITCHES and BITCH we have an explicit song ladies and gents

the ending aaaahhhh love some haunting echoes

I Think He Knows

ooooooh yes v sexy i am feeling this

where tf is 16th avenue?

excuse me this song is SO CUTE?????? 

what a cute follow up to Delicate!!!!!

“good ones never wait” remember that ladies

another absolute banger of a bridge

Miss American & The Heartbreak Prince

an allusion to the ybwm music video this is looking good

“you play stupid games you win stupid prizes” !!!!

a whole high school metaphor this is such a great 13th year throwback

some reputation themes coming through but the gist is she DOES! NOT! CARE!

Go! Fight! Win! like that is so freakin GENIUS

the edits we are gonna see from the ybwm mv for these lyrics are gonna be so good

Paper Rings

very different vibe than i was expecting from the title

the vocals on this album are so unique and expertly used to set a mood hot dang

“I like shiny things but I’d marry you with paper rings” i am going to weep

“in dirty dreams” ok ms swift

“I hate accidents except when we went from friends to this” she really is not doing my single heart any favors here

lyrically, we love this bridge and its dress bridge sister

oh yes slowing it down and switching to acoustic

this tour is going to be so fun and band-driven ugh im obsessed

yes live fade out yeeeees

Cornelia Street

“We were in the back seat” of the taxi????

IS THIS A HAYLOR SONG PLEASE SAY YES

“memorize the creaks in the floor” is the new “dancing round the kitchen in the refridgerator light”

this song is making me v happy to live in new york city wow

i know everyone from sessions was loving on this one but im lukewarm on it so far

its like really pretty but theres nothing making me scream about it, it must be the background story that makes it good

ah the use of the word “mystified” i see the enchanted parallels now

Death By A Thousand Cuts

i dont know what is going on in this intro but i LIKE IT

the tunes of like every single one of these songs.... i approve

ANOTHER GREAT BRIDGE

united we stand she really is our american queen

there is so much happening so fast this one is gonna take a lot longer to process/unpack

i can tell i love these lyrics but they really are gonna take me reading them haha

London Boy

WHOMST is that at the beginning?

“i enjoy walking camden” cant relate have you ever been there lol

HIGHGATE I FREAKIN LIVED THERE

“i fancy you” STOP thats so cute

this song is goals for me gosh 

“They say home is where the heart is, but God I love the English” yeah ok guess thats gonna be an instagram caption

i am literally THRIVING i know all of these places she is shouting out and they literally own my heart

i love this song so much for very personal reasons ok bye

Soon You’ll Get Better

SHE PRAYS TO JESUS EXCUSE ME

i am a puddle i love andrea swift so much

“i know delusion when i see it in the mirror” ouch

wow good thing we are not gonna get this on tour

the deep sigh MY HEART

thank you very much to the Dixie Chicks for the background vocals the add a lot without distracting

False God

going from crying to the saxophone really gave me severe whiplash

“religion’s in your lips” woooo

this song is sexy af

the breathy loo-ho-ho-ho-ove PLEASE

i take it back this is Don’t Blame Me and Dress’s child

“you still do it for me baby” this is such an important line

Afterglow

the drums YES

ok so its not about sex lol disappointing but i still like it

love a fight song thats about like working through it

“meet me in the afterglow” lovely i love it

taylor makes herself sound a lot crazier than she probably actually is in like...all songs about fighting haha

we love a song about accountability

I like think this is a well written song and good production i just am not connecting to it yet and probably because #cant relate haha

It’s Nice To Have a Friend

lol cannot tell what this is about yet but i dont hate it its just different

oooh ok is this a slow burn friends to lovers fic? im here for it

TRUMPET yes ok now we’re talkin

oh that escalated quickly

Is this Mary’s Song 3.0?

Ok I see why the sessioners were like meh on this one

Daylight

“luck of the draw only draws the unlucky” the play on words is peak

“maybe i’ve stormed out of every room into this town” lol so dramatic

i think i need more time with this song or maybe im just tired haha

the lyrics are really excellent im just losing interest

“I ONCE BELIEVED LOVE WOULD BE BURNING RED” lkajdflkajsdlfkjasdlfkjasdf

she did it! she said the thing!

TALKING THE RECORDING AAAAHHHHH THIS IS BIG SPEAK NOW ENERGY

“You are what you love” ok so am I Taylor Swift now?