#i have to keep reminding myself of this shit
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thinking about how "it would be completely okay with me if we literally never had sex btw!! like that's fine :)" is something that is said to me on the regular by the person who turns literally any physical affection or nudity into a sex thing & constantly pressures me & has coerced me in the past
#i have to keep reminding myself of this shit#it's so easy to get comfortable it's so easy to just like#wake up and stretch and look over#and make eye contact and she blinks and smiles a sleepy smile and it's so cute and just. it's easy.#it's easy to tell myself it's not that bad. it's easy to say ''this is the REAL her'' and bury the other stuff#and i want to. i want to do that.#i want to bury it and forget it and move on and hope it doesn't happen again.#and i know that's. an unsafe choice.#fuck i'm so!!!!! sad#i can't do this anymore#—peter#bite.txt#sa mention#idk whatever tell me what to tag this if it's a problem
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Thank you all for voting in the poll to decide who was going to be the leader of the band! It turned out to be such a close race!
#poorly drawn mdzs#better drawn mdzs#mdzs#madam lan#A-qing#Band AU#(Reminder that Madam Lan's design inspiration goes to Qourmet!)#Madam Lan may have been the winner per vote count but there were so many strong advocates for A-Qing!#I played around with a few versions of what the 'poll winner' art was going to be and ultimately decided I wanted them both.#As any good theater love knows though - The battle for leadership was a ruse. They *all* get a chance to be featured.#Cooperation was the real end goal! However I do think these two have the best frontman energy of the group.#Or at least 'crowd favourite' energy. I also really loved hearing what people thought their vocal styles would be like!#This was probably one of my favourite polls to do and I love drawing these characters a lot B*)#I'd love to spend a bit more time in this AU so count on me bringing it back.#One thing I keep feeling like I need to redeem myself on is Madam Lan's Translucent skirt. I have *not* done the concept justice yet.#It is such a crack-platonic ship but I want to think Madam Lan and A-Qing would enjoy each other's company.#Possibly also with JYL as well. They can be like mutually beneficial therapy dogs to each other.#Madam Lan never got to see her kids grow up into teenagers after all. She only had sons. Never daughters.#Even if she saw her kids once a month we do know she treated them with so much love and kindness.#She would bite the shit out of YZY for yelling at JYL. What a sight to see. A-Qing would also start biting (for fun).
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in lieu of having posted any writing/headcanons/asks in the past few days because i have been *so* busy and unable to do anything fandom-related which is terrible and evil, i have a poll out of morbid curiosity and self-indulgence. i've been meaning to ramble here about how i feel about DC's lack fo Deaf representation and which Batfam members i would personally make Deaf, but i am mildly curious about the larger opinion and now i will subject you all to the question, i would love to hear thoughts/opinions/headcanons on any specific choices. (would love d/Deaf/HoH opinions esp but i'm mostly expecting this to reach the hearing crowd, so opinions from hearing ppl are ones i'm very curious about. if you've never given it thought before you are going to now or else /lh)
#necrotic nuisance#<- new tag for nonserious shit like this#batfamily#batclan#deafculture#i think not including bruce in this poll bc i ran out of options is *so* fucking funny so i'm keeping it#bc realistically i could bump off more tertiary characters like harper or jpv to include him#but i won't.#hearing people are seriously invited to reblog and share opinions or headcanons i'm so genuine#just like. behave about it.#i have personal headcanons but i will save sharing them until the poll is finished#as not to skew results#i also have a hunch on who will lead. based on popular headcanons i see#but i will also not share that as to not skew it#i'm using the Deaf identity as an umbrella term that can include Hard of Hearing as well btw#so if your headcanon is more HoH leaning it is counted#i do believe this is something most fans haven't rlly thought about#but i *really* want to write fics with Deaf rep and i have been waffling on who to make Deaf#so. this poll is also a field test of who you would like to see me (a Deaf bitch) write as Deaf.#and i totally pinky promise not to project super duper hard on them. (i'm so lying)#i will get back to writing and the ask games i promse!#tomorrow i have the day off after 4 bc someone else is watching the baby so ic can just chill#also *please please* if you have disabled headcanons for any batfam (or DC in general) character#send them to me. i want to see them. i would love to talk about them with you.#as an anon ask as a message as a reblog idc#gimme.#this isn't my usual content but shhh lemme be self indulgent.#both bc i'm curious and bc i wanna write Deaf shit so. we take a break from my usual nonsense for this.#i'll post writing tomorrow to make up for it#also i have to remind myself this is my blog i can do what i want with and not just be a content machine. yk
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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THANK FUCK I finally got my pain meds back today and I’m so fucking happy because my fibro has been kicking my fucking ASS for so long now and I really need it back to not doing that (as much) 😭😭😭
now if only the pharmacy would finally stop dicking around with my fucking mood stabilizer AS WELL (for the third fucking time) so I could not feel Like This™️ that would be great or I’m gonna start hunting all the idiot fucking pharmacists there for sport one by one until they give me my fucking meds again 🙄
#I’m not happy to have to deal with the derealization/depersonalization the cymbalta triggers when I have to readjust to it but#at least the pain will be back to more manageable 😭 even if I have to keep reminding myself I’m real and I’m not dreaming#or that I’m the one making these movements and doing the things I’m doing and not just witnessing them from inside my head while my body is#on like autopilot and shit#because life feels so fucking off trying to get adjusted to it again after being off it for so long ugh#but once my mood stabilizer is finally fucking filled again and they stop fucking off with it that should help those side effects tbh#like I get it caplyta is fucking expensive so y’all don’t keep it on hand but you haven’t ordered it already wtf#the refills were sent in like a fucking month ago what are you fucking bitches doing with it
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If you're having a bad day but think you don't deserve someone or even yourself being nice to you:
Shane, even at his lowest, has the farmer want to see him and care about hearing how he's doing. Even when he was at his meanest/lowest points in the game, everyone that collectively put in the effort to see those hearts with him rise up knew what they were walking into. They still came by sometimes every single day they could to give him something they hoped he liked and talked to him to see how he was doing. They genuinely wanted to see him smiling and happy with his aunt and niece and get better. Whether platonically or romantically they care for him
You deserve your own farmer.
You deserve to treat yourself like how the farmer treats Shane when they're trying to get his heart events
#stardew valley#sdv#sdv shane#me having feelings when someone accurately describes why i love Shane#i dont like how if you marry him his room in the house is an utter mess with cans but honesty#i look at my room especially on my bad days with the pop cans i keep forgetting to recycle or at least get out of my room#and i remember Shane probably has bad days to#i'd check to help him try to keep it cleaned up whether just as a reminder or actually helping him#i wouldnt make him feel like shit but still call him out if it was needed#i need to be like the farmer and care about myself like i care about Shane#If i wanna see those blue chickens i need to give myself something i like that makes me happy#add on: i do still understand why some people dont like Shane and honestly? completely fine with that! they see him differently than i do#also yes hi im not dead im just 🌟tired but trying🌟
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so so excited for the fresh start that is october. im gonna try harder this time. im gonna do better this time ☆
if you’re like me (someone who often obsesses over the apathy of time, specifically the way it’s ever moving forward whether you want it to or not) it’s okay to latch onto the idea of beginning again, it’s okay to allow yourself the simple miracle of approaching the world anew, just because you can
#Watching the clock tick down like its new years September SUCKED get me OUT im leaving that behind im looking forward im making it better#Sometimes i feel childish cuz like it’s just a new month and months are arbitrary so i have to remind myself that most shit is arbitrary#Doesn’t make it less impactful. Anyway i brought new salad stuff n teas got some new workouts and adjusted to a new cal limit#I’m rearing to go. Might be r3str1cting like an motherfucker but i rlly think ill be able to keep from b1ng1ng i rlly do#So i kind of mean this is both healthier and both unhealthier ways akdfsgjlkdgjf but i do hope we all have a Better October.#bouilloninmypockets#Bowlsofsoup#Soupbowls#Pocketjelly#jellyonaplate#Jelly fit#Jellyfit#light as a leaf#bag of b0nes#irl Halloween decoration#eating leaves#eating🍂#light as a🍂#bowlsofsoup#soupinmybowl#Soupbowl#soupinmypockets#Soupinmyshoes
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2:40 in the morning... Ideal time to work meticulously on my seventeen different nsr character spotify playlists
#nettsy rambling#i will post them someday#it's not even the Adding Songs that's taking me so long#it's the fact that i've spent maybe 8+ hours total tweaking said playlists#and attempting to make every song blend and correspond with eachother and other fancy shit#i have to keep reminding myself its NOOOTTT THATTT SERIOUS#side note but#that man is NOT WELDING.. there are NO sparks that rod is NOT on
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i feel so at peace but at the same time so chaotic and drained
#it’s literally been wavessss of emotions lately#life feels weird w no friends or a partner but it is peaceful#i’ve been spiraling lately bc i’ve been feeling lonely#but i have to keep reminding myself that i’ll attract the right people eventually#right now i’m focusing on finding myself again and being content w where i am bc ive been so so so hard on myself lately#it’s better to have solitude rather than faking my personality around the wrong people#i deserve to be loved for who i am and i’ll wait to love the future people that come into my life#things will be okay and i know now that it isn’t time for a relationship#my first wlw crush and i are still flirting and talking everyday but i knowwww i cant get involved bc i still have sm to worry about#i do love her so much but we both have shit we need to figure out and we’d probably destroy each other if we decided to fully fall in#i’m ranting rn guys but this is the first halloweekend i didn’t go out and i was kinda sad abt it but im also SO glad bc i usually act so#stupid and dumb when i drink impulsively#it’s for the best#i don’t drink as much as i used to and that in itself should be something i am proud of#hehe anyways ily all and if you read this entire thing i love u even more#personal
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me going through the notes and replies on caitlyn posts so i know who to clock and block for brain-dead takes
#arcane#arcane spoilers#i've blocked more people today than i have in the past year and a half#i do not care to see your (incorrect but whatever 🙄) opinions!#i keep reminding myself it's not that serious but people keep running their mouths#i'm trying to protect my peace! (and my babygirl war criminal!) 😤#also v. glad i deleted twitter before the season dropped#also feel free to block me i don't give a shit lmao
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use these wisely, now
#vocaloid#shitpost#kagamine len#AGAIN IDK HOW TO TAG THESE SHITS I MAKE. og artist is naonocoto btw i did not draw this#i just edited clown in there bc it reminded me of a similar reaction image i've seen LOL#i have some qualms about releasing these into the wild but alas one can only hope#also this is too funny for me to keep to myself i was giggling the whole fucking time while editing this
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I will never forgive a single one of you
#There will come a day when your grandchildren see your faces in the history books and spit on you#“We survived the last one” no we all didn't#I lost so many#so many#His policy changes almost got me killed twice alone#I mean that literally -- in the hospital trying not to die because of the shit he did#Later today I am going to have to face a room full of [redacted] and promise to do everything I can to protect them and not give up#all while pretending I'm not already sitting in my grave#Of course I'm going to fight of course I am but Christ alive fuck you people who think this is a game#and honestly fuck everyone who looked at what happened and didn't see massive voter suppression for what it was#“why didn't so-and-so shift blue” because they challenge mail-in ballots and purge the rolls late and shut down polling locations#and if they call you a “felon” you can't vote. And guess what sort of people they like to make felons?#Reminding myself through gritted teeth that if almost half of Texas voted blue - that's a higher population than some blue states have#It's a lot of people. It's so many people. So many many people tried#People out there care and are trying don't forget them don't abandon them don't condemn them in the hatred#Welp.#If you're still reading this I'm so sorry#If you're USAmerican remember: if they come knocking on your door asking for the neighbor in your attic - you don't know shit#You have never seen a shoplifter in your life. You never had nor never knew anyone who got an abortion.#You don't know any queer people. Especially not a trans person. Especially especially not a trans kid.#Social media sites are not safe for communication. It's not a game okay. Get real good at being careful#Buy an air cleaner and a water filter and get ready to keep an eye on food contamination outbreaks#Get to know your local farmers#Buy a chicken. Name it Reggie. Reggie gonna give you eggs.#Living is an act of defiance. Fighting is an act of love
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The constant battle in my brain of "I feel like I'm not doing enough for this person" and "oh my god stop, you're clinging and intruding and making people uncomfortable"
#oh fuck that reminds me I have to message my discord close friend#i keep forgetting#oh SHIT it's been five days#I might be deluding myself
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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maybe you could draw kunikida with flowers in her hair if you wanted maybe sorry fjdjsh
I am so perfectly normal about this idea (<-lies and deception)-
#AAAAA#sticks prompt in my mouth and runs away#u do not understand how much this prompt means to me-#also she/her Kunikida SO REAL#*flops Kunikida around like a wet towel (affectionately)*#this was def not her idea but she goes along with it bc it makes the other happy -#Kyouka def helps with the flowers#and I feel like maybaps Junichiro ? helps braid them into her hair?? bc he feel like he'd know hair stuff lmao#this is solely bc he has hair clips LMFAO#Kenji feels like he'd know how to help too -#man I wonna draw them all together just putting pretty things into Kunikida's hair KSJHSKJHSK#I have too many emotions about this character pls#Kunikida doppo#bsd#bungou stray dogs#kite draws#kite watches bsd#also didn’t draw the flesh colored vest bc it reminded me too much of Tevin and I couldn’t keep me shit together to color it AKSHSH /pos#I mean that in the best way genuinely - I love that silly beige color i just would have been laughing to myself at 3 am coloring which -#not ideal (get it??? badum tsss)
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Losing my mind hearing that people think being punitively misgendered as they/ them only happens to she/her trans women and not also he/ him trans men
Edit: glad I dug through the shitty comments enough to find op saying she didn't mean the phrasing of a particular sentence to imply this didn't happen to trans men, she wasn't expecting the post to blow up and was just writing about the things she's experiencing in a casual rant way. Internet ok sometimes. (Still other people in the comments thinking the above though.)
#why do people keep thinking that trans men don't experience transphobia#I've seen this happen!#I'm so tired#and i feel like i never see folks talking about trans men other than specifically trans masc spaces#unless its in relation to trans women#and i get that its because trans women are under public scrutiny in a more weaponized way#because transmysogyny is real#but im going crazy#and i feel like no one engages with the posts i make like this#which makes me feel like pulling my hair out even more#I'm absolutely not saying that trans women dont get targeted in a more violent way#they are#but trans men are also out here facing transphobia and it's not just like accidental or a byproduct#and like reminder to everyone including myself that people only see the slices of life they see#and none of us know how representative of the whole they are#and practically speaking we're not gonna get the data to answer that#so people can very much see x supported and y not in one space and others see y supported and x not in another#and both of those are real experiences the people in question have#idk i feel like people treat trans men as kinda unserious#and thats its own tag essay#Anyway I feel like no one's going to interact with this post#And I feel perhaps mistakenly but I feel like ppl think this kind of post makes me terfy and that's why they don't interact?#And I don't know why people do shit or don't#But it does just make me feel more like this#This being that people don't treat trans mens issues seriously
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