#i have thoufhts about everything and anything

[echinocereus]

i drink caffeine and suddenly i feel like an ant thats gained sentience

[oddvanilla]

oddvanilla. my beloved mutual whom i would gladly get pregnant any day. babygirl. im going insane. help . this fucking asshole is ruining my life. hes taken over my thoufhts my brain my mind i csbt do this HELP i am CSREAMING and CRYING and POUNFING MY HEAD AGAIN DT THE WALL I NEED HIM SO BAD id do ANY THING. ODDVANILLA DO YOU HEAR ME MN .. ANYTHING.!;!!!!! I WOULD HET PN MY HANDS AND KNEES FOR THIS GUY ID JOIN FUCKING CESARS LEGION ID BEAT PEOPLE TO DEARTH ID LEY HIM BEAT ME YO DEATH . HE COULD CRUCIFY ME ANT DAY IM TELLING UOU I NEED HOM SO BAD I WWANT TO BEGHIM FOR MY LIFE I NEED TO BE KILLED IN FRONT OF HIM I NEED HIM TO KILL ME I DONT CARE ABOUT. LITERALLY EVERYTHING HES DONE HR COULD MAKE ME WORSE FOR ALL I CAERE ODFBANILLA ARE UOUR LOSTENING YO M E I AM GOING INSANE!!!!!! WACKKY!!! OFF MY ROCKER SO TO SPREAK!!!!!! I NEED HIM IN WAYS SO HOMOSEXUAL THAT ID BE IMMEDIATELY REMOVED FROM CESARS LEGION AND PROBABLY MY LIFE AS WELL.

OKAY DUDE ARE YOU OK...WHAT THE FLIP??? THIS IS SOME VERY SEVERE CASE OF HOMOSEXUALITY LMAOOO😭🙏 IM SURE YOU NEED HIM YOU CAN HAVE HIM ALL YOU WANT HE'S LIKE. MADE FOR YOU!!! ALL YOURS DUDE...ID EVEN BACK OFF FOR YOU...LOOKS LIKE ITS EITHER YOU GET WITH HIM OR CRY IN RHE CORNER LMAOOO

[waterdeepp]

You doing okay? Did anything happen (if you want to vent about it)?

Hey anon. I just… i’ve been so stressed from work, paying for shit etc. My heat went hot and it’s legit a 500 dollar fix. This happens every single year and iim so tired of it. work is okay, i like my job but its so mentally draining. i am going to pick up extra hours next week to help pay for things. i work 40 hours a week now and want to get my nursing assistant course finished soon. i’ll get better pay if i do that but jesus christ - i am so tired. i stayed in bed all day because it was my only off day in almost 5 days. i work tomorrow and i don’t want to go. i am so fucking drained and i thoufht my mental health was better but it’s in the trash now. i am so depressed it’s unreal. i’m falling asleep at work which is highly dangerous because my whole job is to WATCH PEOPLE. im living off coffee every shift no matter how much i sleep.

im going to reach out to employee health because i can’t take this. i can’t take the stress. work aside, jesus christ. my house is freezing. it’s not dangerously cold but it won’t be fixed until next week. im mentally exhausted and all i want to do is sleep and binge eat. but the only thing to eat is ramen noodles and white bread because my family is really struggling. i eat mostly at my work cafe which is good and cheap. i live with my mother who now works part time. plus my brother is studying. i can’t pay for everything and she won’t pick up an extra day. she makes eons more than i do being a nurse. it’s so much. im trying to stay positive and keep looking on the bright side. i know i’m lucky, fortunate and others have it worse. but damn. im just fucking sad

[animalinvestigator]

I was thinking about care dancing sign . Im sure the external reason it was included in the atory is just because it was funny and cute and a good reminder that the central character in the story is not in fact a collectible object but a kid who does normal kid things like make her player character dance in a video game, but since its never as simple in scop as "Why did tony put this in there", you also have to think about why it was included by the characters in the story who have control over the informarion... in order for it to end up in a video, rainer would have had to specifically label and preserve it and choose to include it in the recordings he gifted to the family, and then the family (assuming theyre still in control of the uploads at this point; i think an argument could be made either way) would have had to record that recording and choose to make it public, which is an interesting thoufht. Sorry this post has no point i just think its fascinating that when your story is at least partially essentially a character study about an in universe force that "made" everything being presented, literally anything you choose to include or exclude informs the character....

[notwxrriors]

God fuck I'm reading through the last few asks about Geoff being a Bad Boy as a teenager PLEASE give us like 21 year old Geoff and 18 year old Jawn and Jawn's not quite sure what to think about Geoff

i didn't know geoff was such an edgy teen so like every time ive written baby jawff he's always been such a lil angel but this changes EVERYTHING and im so interested in cracking this fuckin nut wide open 

it's not that geoff's mean, or even all that off-putting, it's just that jawn is young and he FEELS young around geoff, young and immature and silly, when geoff is like all cool and smoking weed and wearing chokers and being edgy. like jawn Tries to be edgy but also he's anxious and flighty and he's inexperienced and his only real friend is awsten, who lord knows doesn't do anything illicit, so he's a bit... unsure 

jawn smokes cigarettes already, so he's got one up on aws in the Edge Department, and one time geoff asks jawn if he wants to go outside to smoke with him and jawn is SO offput by it but he says a hesitant yes and they go out and like. geoff's for Sure got a bowl and jawn's like OHH....THOUFHT U MEANT CIGARETTES.... and geoff sorta laughs and looks confused and jawn feels so DUMB god he feels like such a KID around geoff 

geoff offers him it anyway and jawn really debates saying yes, hoping it'll maybe ease his insecure subconscious and make geoff think he's cool or whatever, but he says no because he figures if he's gonna, it shouldn't be here with a stranger, and he smokes a cigarette instead. it's a lil awkward? standing outside with geoff? and geoff makes pleasant conversation but jawn feels Incompetent of having a conversation in any capacity with geoff, even just silly things, and GOD jawn hates him kinda but he also really likes him and tbh,,,, that shit goes on for like Weeks of hanging w geoff daily,,, 

[choco-style]

lately I’ve found myself mind yelling “shut the fuck up” more than usual and I don’t know who to talk to because there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it, I just have to wait to go to school and feel better, which is crazy because the general opinion on school is “god I hate it I just wanna go home” and that’s what I used to think too when I was in my awful 5-8 grade class

and it’s not just real life people I want to shut up, I feel like I’m getting more defensive and my favourite creators are getting called all kinds of things by people who claim to have the higher moral ground (or whatever you call it), when they themselves wish terrible things upon people who have either done nothing wrong, or who have apologized for everything they did wrong. and it’s 99% on tumblr. now I understand why no one fucking likes this site.

and I’m back again in this state where “I wanna go home” doesn’t at all refer to the actual apartment, but to a mentally happy place. and it sounds edgy when your brain says I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home please shut the fuck up

this isn’t even that bad and it’s nothing serious and I don’t know how I feel about all this I just needed to let it out and tumblr is where I can write longass “diary entries” and very few people who I care about will read them, and if someone has a problem with them I don’t give a single shit about their feelings and I hope they get the help they need to not turn into a shitty person or worse.

ive also been kinda mean??like not quite but kinda??? i dont know i just feel like i peaked and now im just kinda there. but im not even in the neutral empty doorway kind of state, its like now im in the room but idk what i wanna do and i need to pee but theres no toilet and im just there. like how dreams feel sometimes,,,,, idk aaagh

during the first 5 days of the week i look forward to the weekend because that keeps me happy and good and nice but then the weekend is the worst part of every week and i look forward to going to school, and now i wont even have this escape because this is the last week were going to school this decade and i have to breathe the same air and hear the same sounds as my family and i dont want to, i wanna go to school and be distracted and plan out my evenings and mornings when im basically alone. or something. i dont know what im talking about. i just dont want winter break. i dont wanna talk to my family when theyre all together. whenever theres even two people from my family in the same room i feel like i want to cry and i end up wishing id made plans or something, anything just to be somewhere else. 

youtube videos arent working anymore. or they are, but not really. i can block out the sound partially but i can still hear other people. and i think its normal but also fucked up. “what is?” well thanks for asking, me in “ “s, having these people argue so much is common but fucked up, having to stop whatever ur doing just to check whether or not a family member is crying, only to find out theyre laughing, is fucked up but maybe common. wanting to be home alone is common and not fucked up i think. going into a mental crisis because youre in this eternal circle of being sad - amplifying it because ur an attention whore - realising ur an attention whore - instead of stopping, u amplify THIS to feel absolutely terrible except not really because its not real or is it - now ur making urself look like the victim of realising ur not the victim. jesus fucking christ u stop thinking about it and it happens again a while later. just shut the fuck up, me. shut the fuck up. make my brain shut the fuck up,  i would literally probably cry happy tears if someone could make me shut the fuck up forever. or maybe i wouldnt but right now i feel like im gonna cry thinking about it. or its just placebo. or not placebo, the negative one. or idk. maybe i was right the first time i dont know. and now my back hurts cuz im like a little bug or whatever im just writing like. reversed arched. i dont know how to explain it lmao. i dont wanna read this thiing ever again but i most likely will! yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! be happy lol u knwo the meme thats like cmon work. idk what it was but the reference is in my brain and i feel like i could use it. and now i sound weird. well not weird im just going thru the thing i explained earlier in this thing. but i wont write abt it im just gonna not think about it bc that seems to work really well. felt the need to add ^^ as if im talking to someone or maybe making my thoughts talk to me rn like how i would talk to someone irl lmao.theyve actually been silent for a while so idk.

id title this “if im being honest” to like show im trying to get my rthoughts out with no real filtering but aaah idk. i dont wanna do it bc the title would be like. bigger and semibold and itd draw attention to  it. i want this to not be read by people but maybe someone will. i have like 2 or 3 people in mind who would maybe maybe maybe read this but i dont know. its really not anything so you shouldnt read it. maybe someone could skim this. is that how you say it. also there is some filtering of my thoughts because i dont wanna name anyone im not looking for trouble i just wanna talk into the void and feel better and maybe this is really it. i do feel kind of relaxed now. my uhhh wrists, yeah thats what theyre fcalled, they kinda hurt and my fingers dont hurt but like, the joints are very,,,accentuated? but not like visually they just. i can conciously feel them? and my throat and kinda eyes? thats bc of almost kinda crying but lol idk. and like ive always hated accentuated feelings and i read this thing on wikipedia about sensory overload and idk if its a normal thing that happens like when something stings or hurts or if its a symptom of something or i dont know but ive always kinda joked about it and its also related to tics. ticks? ticks. tics. and its not really what im feeling rn but its a thing that happens sometimes. kind of. but like when u walk up the stairs and u feel ur right leg has been doing/making more effort pushing u up than ur left leg and u try to balance out the effort and it can be hurtful i guess bc if something like an eye or arm hurts u try to balance out the pain and that can be bad dont do that but like i can do it bc i wont do it in bad scenarios. i went off track lololol sorry

this is kind of what my mind speeches and discourses look like so yeah i hope this goes unnoticed or someone notices it and i can just say nah dude im good trust me because i am i think and u should maybe probably trust me bc usually i have it better than everyone i talk to online or in real life so its fine if u trust me because its nothing to worry about really. ur precious and u desrrve more attention than whatever this thingy is. take care of yourself. the only thing ur allowed to think about this post if u read it (or not but like sure), according to my selfish brain, is that oh wow its cool that u tried mimicking (??) ur thoufhts and id be lioke yeah haha i dont even know whats wriitten in here anymroe im cool like that hahahhahahhhhhhhahha hehe hoho hihi you know. so dont feel anything else than indifference and maybe admiration. i wouldnt say the former if this were something i put thought into but it isnt so enjoy! honesty. kinda.

[lovely-laurent]

Laurent discovers ebooks and kindles and cries tears of joy bc now he can carry his personal library with him everywhere he goes

Damen is very suspicious of modern Kastor even tho he like. Hasnt done anything. (Damen: yeah but like thats what i thoufht last time and then you sold me into slavery and stabbed me. Kastor: excuse me???)

Modern Auguste is very much alive and Laurent loses his mind. He cries and asks Auguste if hes mad he married damen and auguste is like "why would i be! Hes great!" "Because he killed you" "he what"

They also both work boring office jobs and like. Can't curse at people and talk about their sex lives at work and also have to kiss ass all day which is a huge shift from being the literal boss of everyone and everything in two seperate countries

They also live in a 1 bedroom, 600 square foot apartment which is a total downgrade from the six different palaces they owned

Laurent wears modern clothes and feels totally naked meanwhile damen wears modern clothes and feels like hes actually wearing 50 layers

They both......have families???? Who are living???? And in their lives?????? Like theyre all alive and not dead???? Damen's birth mother is ALIVE and KNOWS HIM???? And they just talk to each other on a daily basis????

Nicaise is alive and also apparently his nephew

Laurents uncle is in prison and its a very unpleasant conversation

Auguste very frustratedly has to explain everything to them both like "thats a light switch" "a what" "a light switch. It turns on lights." "?????"

Obviously the reality would be like. Super complicated but im obsessed w people from other eras in history living in modern times so like. What if. Laurent and Damen and everyone is reincarnated in the modern day and somehow original damen and laurent switch bodies with their reincarnations so theyre in the modern era but like, have their ancient brain. Just thinking out loud.