#i have this obsession with jon just being in the absolute depths of grief for what he did to the world

[letnirvanarain]

ok I have a headcanon that after jon read the final statement from jonah which kick-started the apocalypse, he lost it. Went catatonic at first and then he lapsed into sobs and silent screams wretched from wells of true agony and torment so deep it hurt to look at. He was like the sun during that time, inconsolable and unreachable. And martin held him through it all, because of course he did. Stroking his hair and whispering what comforts he could, knowing that jon was beyond his reach.

And eventually, bit by bit, jon came back to himself. The guilt and the agony and the betrayal faded into something mishapen and ugly that he was able to push down and swallow hard and thats where we came in, at the start of season 5. And they never talked about it again, and jon never thanked martin (because he couldn't) but that was ok because Martin had never expected him to. Wasn't even sure he deserved it. Wasn't even sure how much jon remembered of his own grief. It just became a silent, unspoken thing between them. A statue in the garden of their history.

But sometimes, late at night, in this strange new world with this stranger still new version of the man he adored, martin had this strange, creeping feeling that maybe those long, stretched out days in the cabin were jon screaming out the last of his humanity.