#i have so much to say but i just realized i put way too many tags

[icarusredwings]

Thinking about Wade being one of the best mercs that there is job completion wise, his ratio must be somewhere close to 1:53 seeing as that's how unlikely he is to not complete a job one way or another right?

I feel like this ultimately is terrifying to actually witness.

Logan seeing just how much work Wade puts into his job and hearing stories from Vanessa of finding him sharpening knifes while staring at her while she slept in dead silence or finding maps, photos, very detailed plans laid out about his next kill down to where he lives, how long it would take for the police to reach him if he uses his gun and how difficult it would be to clean up if he used his katanas, etc. Everything is laid out from the second he steps out the door to the moment he gets back home.

Now Al's blind. So he gets into the bad habit of leaving everything out, giving Logan the chance to snoop, looking over the plans only to realize- holy shit. He has everything from how many vents are in his house to which neighbors might be a problem AND plans to deter them.

He comes to realize that all that over thinking Wade does and his one track mind makes him the perfect killer. Most killers have other motives. Wade just needs the dopamine of completely the task and moving on to the next one.

I can see him coming out of the bathroom to see Wade sharpening his tools while looking absolutely pissed but he's just focused.

"... wade?"

The once scrunched face man glances up at him and suddenly has the most confused puppy face before smiling. "Hi Wolvie. Finally awake, sleeping beauty?"

"..you good?"

"Hm?? Oh- Yeah I just got a job later." And thats all he says before going back to glaring, frowning at the metals, trying his hardest to get it damn near perfect.

You never really would expect someone so affectionate to be so serious about killing people, even taking intimidation jobs these days, as well as working for children.

And he never is kidding about the price that he sets. Sometimes, the price is calculated based on time and the amount of ammo he'd be using. Other times, it was a supreme pizza with banana peppers. So when he gets back he will be expecting his pizza with banana peppers. Dont let him down.

This works out sometimes. Other times, he gets too excited and says he'll do it for significantly less than what he should charge, but hey- it's all about that rush of serotonin once the jobs done. Nothing else matters.

[howling-medic]

I have had no Adderall and too much caffeine, and I have been thinking. A dangerous combination, but a very fun one. I have reached many conclusions about many things, but the thing I have become most convinced of is that almost every single character JRRT has ever written is some form of little shit and/or chaotic gremlin. Here are a few outlined. Please add more:

* Aragorn: *gestures wildly at the entirety of the Prancing Pony chapter* *points emphatically at the houses of healing exchange with Merry* need I say more? The man may be Isildur’s heir, but he is a little shit. I love him for it.

* Gandalf: my man straight up just had no real reason for choosing Bilbo to be the thief for thorin’s company. He could not explain himself even once. Then there’s the whole Beorn debacle. Then there’s the dramatics with how he returned to Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli. Chaotic gremlin. Little shit.

* Merry and Pippin: they’re getting clumped together. I don’t think I need to explain.

* Sam: he may be the most sane of all of these fuckers. Truly. He’s the most pure hearted and least chaotic. He still was trimming the verge a little late, and he was in cahoots with Merry and Pippin. Chaotic gremlin adjacent

* Bilbo: do I need to explain this one? He used the One Ring to hide from annoying relatives. Little shit and chaotic gremlin are his defining characteristic traits

* Legolas: danced atop the snow while everyone was drowning in it. Declared he would attempt to get the sun to come help them. Let Aragorn listen for horses he could literally see and describe. Built his own boat 120 years after the last one sailed and BROUGHT A DWARF

* Gimli: his entire personality is silver tongued snark with a large side of intelligence and violence. He was going to be mad at Merry and Pippin for dying because of the energy he put into finding them. I’m pretty sure he proposed counting kills to Legolas.

* Frodo: chaos. Thinks he’s going to just venture off into the woods by himself. Little shit. Thinks nobody is going to realize something is up. Love him. He’s bad at both

* Boromir: tries to oppose the wisdom of people literally over 150 times his ago. Kinda little shit energy, but he didn’t do it to be contrarian, so it’s the weakest entry so far

* Faramir: let’s talk about henneth annun. Let’s talk about the way he let Sam freak out only to start laughing. Dude is a little punk, and I love it

* Eomer: declares Aragorn not Strider but Wingfoot. I can’t explain his placement on this list really. He’s just chaos gremlin vibes

* Eowyn: my sweet horse girl. My caged warrior. She is chaos gremlin incarnate as driven by wanderlust and desperation. Truly my kindred spirit. I will die for her. You know she was wonderfully insufferable and a pain in her brother’s ass - in the best way.

* Melkor: literally the original little shit. Everything started going sideways because he was a petulant child and then it got worse the more jealous he got. Because the OG chaos gremlin. It just so happens that there are cosmic level consequences when he acts out

* Denethor: falls more under petty bitch than little shit or chaos gremlin. My man was so threatened by Thorongil that he was glad when he left and turned men against Gandalf because Aragorn counseled that Gandalf should be trusted. Just….fuck Denethor…with a cactus.

* Saruman: the ploy with Radagast to get Gandalf to Isengard was 10/10 chaos gremlin energy. Evil chaos gremlin energy, but chaos gremlin energy nonetheless

Alright, with that, I’m out of ideas. I’m certain I can come up with stuff for Galadriel at the very least, but I lack the requisite focus at the moment.

[raspberryjellybrains]

image I.D. below the cut

image description start:

[a promotional picture of Sam and Dean Winchester, Sam on the left and Dean on the right, their images from circa 2010. They both stare challengingly into the camera with their arms crossed, though Dean also holds a large blade. The background is a two lane blacktop with an older style of power line and corn on either side. At the top and bottom are flames. Sam says "im restricting", Dean says "and im bingeing" and the flaming text gif at the bottom reads "the eating disorder brothers.]

image description end.

[cryptid-killjoy]

Seven knew Piper was one of the special ones. No matter how many paramours Pierre went through he could tell Piper was different to him, just like he and Zero were different to him. Seven never was about calling anyone the one or putting people in some ranked order. What he knew was what he saw. Piper meant something to Pierre. He and Zero were his best bros for a reason and that was that, just like Brigette had a way of being special to them all too when she was alive. There were just some people that stood out.

Zero was feeling that kind of special right then. When Pierre said he'd be sandwiched soon it was all he could to do hold back from howling as he gave a little yes jump in his stride as they walked. Memories filled his mind of lazy days in bed, the smell of weed in the air mixed with Seven and Pierre's cologne totally spent. The tv would be on and nobody would be paying attention it all hands on him petting him in the afters. The two best friends he ever a guy could ever want. He stood there with a dreamy face for quite a while after that. Those were the days.

Piper laughed out right. "Okay. Yes. I missed the mane." She even reached up to run her hands through both sides. She couldn't quit smiling either.

Clotho, the blonde had a way of being pulled in the most by the beautiful compliment. They were nothing less than the Sanderson Sisters by comparison. There was no black flame candle needed, but they were the sort to do what needed to be done when their age was showing. It was probably noted over the years of knowing Seven that they might look more washed out at times, even grey, and then show up rather revived and youthful again the next time. But it was Clotho who held youth dearest to her heart.

"I'm feeling rather ravishing, thank you. You always were a favorite friend of Seven's to me." Oh yes, she'd return the compliment in the most self-indulgent way. "You were a boy that always noticed, but how could you not?" Oh yeah, she was feeling good tonight. "We'll all be glad to have you back, my boy."

Piper, who did not know the Fate sisters until recently could only marvel at the interaction and think it made sense now why Seven was the way he was surrounded by such personalities. She never once imagined people might look at her and dissect Kuzco and Clopin and think all her mysteries were unlocked.

Everything was explained to Pierre and despite it appearing as if it might have rattled him that Seven was going first, everyone held strong.

This was it.

The moments ticked and the moments tocked after Piper and Seven disappeared into the magic of the string.

Zero continued to shift involuntarily in his nervousness. So, Pierre would keep feeling the change of a full body to the wisp of cold holding onto him. No matter the form Zero didn't let go. Pierre was his grounding stone. It was anxiousness, but it was also excitement. The longer it took the antsier he got and it was harder to hold still. Zero's energy was amped to a wattage he could barely contain making his hips shake. All the things he kept inside that were pent up as he held onto Pierre's side just burst out of his mouth in one big roll like periods were never invented for sentences much less breaths.

"I'm-sorry I never visited you on the other side even though I could I really wanted to sometimes I just couldn't do it again I just couldn't do it not again I've done it before searching and searching for a lost friend and I guess they didn't want to be found because I never found them and I couldn't feel that way again I just couldn't I couldn't feel like I wasn't wanted again I was scared I was just fucking scared not of the other side just of that feeling I feel it so much and I just really want to be sandwiched okay?"

His way of saying he used to feel wanted when Pierre and Seven were alive. Being a loyal as a dog best friend is hard when he's been the dog people left in the woods like they were going for a walk together but ran not realizing he was being ghosted, pun intended.

Then right when he got his final words out and as he was searching Pierre's face for a reaction and finally taking a big breath Seven and Piper reappeared.

Zero's eyes turned first. A smile started to grow. He turned completely tangible.

Seven stood there with that oh so Seven smile.

"Oh that was fun, mates."

He kept moving his hands and his fingers trying to feel the difference than before. Zero ran for him. Everyone was hugging him. His mothers were in the way. It left Zero bouncing on the outside until Seven pulled him.

Piper shook her head at all of it.

"We don't have time for this. Come on Pierre. Your turn. Welcome homes later. We're on a clock." Then she put out her hand.

Seven heard that and went, "Go, go, go!"

Seven's mothers were quick to get on their duty pulling a cut and very dead looking string along with a live string as the crunch for time set in. Piper would grab his hand. The same procedures would run with the twist of the hourglass.

Then the next thing Pierre would know he'd see himself and Piper before them through the view of a cracked door.

In a bath.

Intimate.

Music was coming from another source outside of that room. Violins.

The Piper that was still holding his hand pulled down fast to hide. "Shh." She clued him in quick to be quiet as they stayed hunkered down behind the crack of a closet door. They were in some sort of castle interior. A roaring fire was crackling. She whispered quite soft, "We don't want to be seen." Still, she couldn't help but smile. "Guess we're attracted to one another in every universe."

Turning an hourglass was never an exact science in comparison to a clock. She was close. She'd been here so many times to practice. She knew there was a little time to pass before their big moment. Time to tell Pierre the plan.

"We have to wait for just the right moment. We're going to live body snatch and leave your dead body in this time just seconds before the moment of your death here, so it doesn't disrupt much of the timeline. We steal it while it's still alive. They were about to be dead here anyway. Your job is to possess it when I say. It will leave your tangible earth walking Halloween body here. Then you come home with your own body. For now, we wait."

It was the same instructions she gave to Seven. He'd stolen another body from another timeline and left his tangible Halloween body in its stead. When the night ended there and it decayed faster than normal or disappeared it might seem a mystery to those left behind, but the people themselves were going to be dead anyway. If she pulled a person from their death and switched them out the Fates already knew they were able to step into a new universe and continue to thrive. These were magics that skirted darker ethics Piper had been learning from the Fates in secrecy because secrecy was part of the vow she took to be able to learn them. It was very Geppeto and Willem when it came to respect of their darker arts.

She'd look back at the pair in the water and smirk. Then she'd look at her deceased friend beside her. "Self porn. Who knew you could watch it live?"

“Real sex, real sex, real sex,” Pierre started up a little chant, pumping his hand up in the air like he was some sort of ringmaster in a circus. That’s one of the things that he missed the most, and he wasn’t ashamed to say it.

“Man, I miss that girl,” He said, knowing that he had fucked it up with her forever that day that the Laveaus had stormed upon his house. That’s what it had felt like. An assault. A complete siege, with his mother and sister saying that they were leaving, packing their things, and his father just being an asshole and nodding, letting it happen. Though he did regret how it went down, he didn’t regret being the only one that was fighting for his family to stay together. Big lot of good that did. There was no family anymore.

He’d caught sight of her for a moment at the ball, but hadn’t dared approach, not that he had the time. Piper had been the one to claim all of it, and then gave him strict orders to meet her by the tree, which he was following, though perhaps a little more leisurely than she might have liked.

He moved up behind Zero, and put his hands on his hips, dancing his fingers over the jutting hipbones. He always was a skinny little guy. The picture-perfect definition of a twink. “Of course, pup. You’re going to be sandwiched in no time,” He promised.

He only let go of his boys when Piper took over his attention again. She had a way of doing that, of drawing all eyes to her. Like the rest of the world could be entirely blocked out, he was scoped right in. He wrapped his arms around her, thin waist and all, as she seemed to groom him, making him chuckle. “You missed the mane, didn’t you?” He teased lightly, holding her closer, nuzzling his nose against her cheek and kissing it.

“Wouldn’t miss this for the world,” He said, eagerly, his dark eyes looking into her bright violet. The most beautiful eyes that he had ever seen, he would attest to that. No other ones had ever compared to the shocking color, made all the more bright and beautiful in contrast with her skin tone, and the naturally dark lashes that she had.

He looked over her shoulder at Seven who was getting all of the hugs from his mothers, and he chuckled, pulling back a little from Piper but he kept his arm around her, like he was scared of disappearing again. Which he was. Another year of waiting for this kind of communication, for this kind of chance? It would feel like an eon down there.

“Ahh, you know,” He laughed, keeping it casual with Seven’s moms. “The humidity isn’t great for the hair but I can’t say I ever got bored. Good to see you three ladies, looking as beautiful and youthful as ever.”

The moms huddled and Pierre looked back down towards Piper. “So you really figured out a way to bring us back? You’re … incredible,” He said, breathing heavily. Of course it was Piper. And he was confident enough in himself to believe that he was her first choice to do this with. But it still blew his mind that all of this was happening, and so fast.

He listened to the instructions and he felt a little nervous too that Seven was going to be going first. What if something went wrong? What if they couldn’t do it, and Pierre would have to return to Hell alone because Seven was put into some sort of limbo? He had to breathe again and he nodded towards his friend, his Hell-mate. “You got this, dude. And of course, Piper and Pierre, we can do anything.”

He nodded towards Piper though, understanding. Wait your turn. He wasn’t generally good at that but he could wait in this circumstance. “I’ll be good and patient, don’t worry,” He said, putting on his most charming grin.

He was reluctant to let Piper go too, though it was to help Seven. He’d keep a hand on her, squeezing hers, and then lightly touching her fingertips with his own until she was too far away to do so. Was he braver than before like the women were hinting? In some ways, perhaps. Time would tell. He may still do a Scooby-Doo jump into whoever was closest if there was ever a jumpscare, or seeing one of the fates with their hair in rollers and a green facemask. But he was going through with this, which was much scarier.

“I’ll be here,” He said, again. When Zero came to take Piper’s place, he put his arm around Zero’s shoulders, pulling him in closer. He kept it stiff, for when Zero went into his ghostly form, letting it hang on the air, until he became a little more corporeal again.

Pierre wasn’t changing his mind. No - he was watching intently, with wide eyes, one arm still out and the other going through his hair, like a comforting habit, pushing it up and out of his face.

[hecksupremechips]

God every day I think about Akane’s breakdown in door 3 because there really is no correct way to interpret that and every possibility makes me crazy. Like she sees this fucked up corpse whom Junpei (and the player, depending on how they play) believes is their friend Snake, but she knows that it’s Guy X. It’s a man she very intentionally put in the game for this very purpose, so that he could die horrifically and be displayed for everyone to see. And she has a full mental breakdown over being trapped in this room with the corpse, being trapped by Junpei, to the point where she rips out her hair and starts bleeding from how much she bangs on the door screaming to get out. And fuck, there’s so many possibilities like

Akane could be feeling genuine terror over the sight of the body, and with that remorse. She made this happen, she wanted this to happen, and now she’s forced to quite literally watch the damage she’s caused unfold. She can detach herself from his murder easily in other timelines where she doesn’t have to look at it, and she can sleep easy knowing that her hands are technically clean because she didn’t do the literal killing. But she can’t do that here, and she has to face the fact that not only did she happily cause this death, she failed her mission. She isn’t going to survive, and now this man is dead for nothing and everything is her fault

On the other hand, her entire breakdown could be completely fabricated in order to keep playing the role of the damsel in distress who is so innocent that the very sight of blood drives her to insanity. The interesting part about this is that if she could fake such a horrific breakdown, just how much of her personality a facade? We know she wants revenge, for everyone from Cradle to feel even an ounce of the pain she and so many others went through, but we don’t get to see the extent of how much she feels this way. We never hear directly from Akane about her feelings on any of the original organizers, just her note about her desire to punish them. She hates them, but does she see their deaths as a necessary evil, or does she feel joy and satisfaction at watching them go? It’s absolutely horrifying not knowing, not being able to see her true feelings, not knowing just how real or fake she is, the extent of her madness. Perhaps she doesn’t even know that herself

IN OTHER WORDS, it’s fucked

[thebigqueer]

unrelated to that rb but im thinking about it and i dont think piper liking jason was ever a forced heteronormativity thing i think she genuinely liked him

[skenpiel]

and here is the line that made everybody mischaracterize kanaya until the end of time as some sort of Fancy Regal Lady who Drinks Tea and not a Complete And Utter Maniac. she literally talks like papyrus like wtf

[bunnyboy-juice]

oughghgh

[silverselfshippingchaos]

one day I'll be able to tell what I feel towards certain characters LMAAAOOO

[automatic-midnight]

My biased, really unpopular take is that I think rit/su/maya is an objectively boring ship.

[mejomonster]

Creating stuff is so weird. (This time im talking about writing) like. U plan a story. U have an idea or vague vision at least in your mind. Then it comes out of your hand. Scenes expand, new scenes emerge that you didn't even know would be there, which lead to new realizations of what this story Becomes as it starts to exist piece by piece. And word choice, you didn't predict any of it, it came out on the spot, each moment a new surprise at what words your mind supplies, the options it offers in the second its demanded to give you a way to describe what you imagine. New descriptions come out, the words tack on bits of the moment you didn't see in your imagination until they come out, and now in a new light this scene is so much More than you ever imagined. It exists now on a page or screen, it is an imprint of this moment of contemplating it. Because any other moment, other words might have poured out from your hand and mind, because close as it might be to the silhouette you imagined initially weeks or months ago, or even a few seconds ago when the new possibility revealed itself, as it is written down it's taken on the qualities of this moment. Of right now. You never would have made precisely this, you won't make anything quite identical to it again. The image in your head that has existed forever long kept morphing, blurred at the edges or at the minimum in how its details spiraled out to connect to other scenes, and each time you contemplated it was just a little bit different. Close sometimes. And when you finally write it down, the blurred bits solidify into something this moment creates, unpredictable but you've tried to shape it up to this point and even as it happens you're trying to guide the thread of it into a more detailed rendition of what you meant initially or better. And then you finish writing that chunk. And are in awe of what came from a blurry idea.

Even the messes. Even the bits that come out of your hand and you're like: how in the fuck did this turn out so Far Away from what I wanted it to be? Even if you scrap it lol. There is a bit of wow there too, in how some moments your brain just refuses to cooperate or the words dont come and the slightly blurred picture in your mind turns out like when i draw a person and my hand isnt warmed up and i cant even get an oval shape right. In all that mess its like, how did what we didnt want even pour out, whys it in us to begin with, is there any gem in the disaster worth keeping. Is it so off the rails we decide the scene we imagined isnt what we thought or hoped itd be, and decide to throw it out all together and try a new scene entirely.

[winterdusktales]

yg has conditioned ot7 ikon to be a touring group so now even when they all left yg, all they (ikon & hanbin) do is tour and join various music festivals. like i know those guys would prefer inviting other artists to guest in their concert over inviting them for a quick tiktok challenge or something

[unproduciblesmackdown]

spent the evening reading through all of the like galley pdf copy of the 2 trans 2 furious zine and a great time start to finish like it was Not an effort to keep at it despite its being like 160 pgs. and despite my not having ever seen a f&f movie or really especially directly "correctly" being interested, though i'd ofc love to see any of the films like live & in person w/a bunch of trans strangers, say

laughed and teared up multiple times and thought about how impressive and creative entries were and like, the momentum was easy, everything was engaging and intriguing and invigorating and enriching....and Printed Editions (that ship to US & canada) are still available for pre-order, for about another week (also the window given for us going over the digital copy for edits/corrections lol) soooo. again i like haven't seen any f&f movies, and that didn't impede anything at all, and it was a fantastic time:

and another reason i'm like Oh My God So Appropriate To Have Sent In An Entry is how, like, it's all transformative fun and serious yet not somber Media Analysis on media you don't have to have actually even seen, or "like" straightforwardly, or at all, or be the "correct" audience for, or have an "intended" interpretation, lol, lmao....like this is Extremely our shit out here lol, what one is up to all the time in the world of Billions Series Analysis like, personally haven't even seen it, i'm not cishet enough to be the intended audience or otherwise sharing various particular assumed perspectives that are occasionally required to even parse, much less enjoy, some material....and yet!!

and like, if there was an all-autistic contributor's fun fan media analysis / commentary / parody / exploration / transformation / etc zine about billions? it'd be like wow how exactly me, and yet ofc i'd be at way more of a loss at what to scream abt winnie, perhaps ft. & tay, and the overall [billions]ing, much less how to actually execute that lol. it was easier to do a Very 101 Intro To: Cam Stone Exists Btw, nonbinarily, in that i limited myself to One Page so i could actually feasibly get it done, but in doing so i, as expected, could only say a fraction of what i could say about cam, were i explaining things in full / just unleashed, and skim the surface but just go "they exist btw and here's a tiny bit of further 101 info." it's not like, An Issue, b/c i don't think the [everything] that i could say would work great in full, and i can't write a great little short form piece of text about them (or winston, or anything else)....but it was also like, well if a trans f&f zine Doesn't have the trans f&f character in it then what are we doing, and We Know Of Cam Stone, so the most feasible [handing out a flyer] version of telling ppl they exist has gotta be done

and it's like, it's (relatively?) matter of fact to this end of only having so much room to put in words, and definitely ending up having to squeeze lines in vs struggling to fill the space. it could've been weirder, or funnier, or hornier, but it successfully exists and maybe it's a little weird, funny, and horny (drew an Especially [ooh sexy cam stone]-tinged pic lol) and whatever is difficult for me to perceive abt my own personality infusion in whatever, like how i have to be reminded like oh right, my Art Style, the way that Eye draw lol....and of course, i can't and don't expect my one page informative crash course intro to cam stone to be able to be Everything, any more than years' worth of lots of [winston billions] material in various formats of various extensiveness from various angles has been Everything. and the zine as a whole can't be Everything but it is, in fact, So Much abt So Many Things from so many different approaches. i enjoyed everything, especially like, "An Ode to X" as in fast x, which evolves into "x" as an (implicitly nonbinary) in-universe character and i was Moved and teared up, and i see it immediately follows "Jason Statham Will Call My Dad A Pussy In Fast 12" which moved me and made me tear up, which follows an entry that's a haiku about each film, none of which i've seen, which i didn't get misty about of course but was fully engaged with and enjoys, which follows my entry

there's naturally plenty about roads and horizons and racing and speed and i'm also like, i'm a gay who can drive, and i can feel it re: the trans contributor whose entry mine follows which is about their irl experiences driving in a demolition derby, inspired by f&f. and i can feel it re: enjoying f&f beyond how you're "supposed" to, or how you would in a cishet(tm) way, and how so many of these entries had resonance, and that intrigue and engagement, and lenses on where to find explorations of gendering which will kind of Have to come up whenever anything succeeds in approaching things that are genuine and really truly more To Life, even while the point of f&f is not to be "realistic," especially about, you know, the driving and what you can do with cars, which i fully appreciate and definitely understood more for cam stone being in a story ramming through a wall outracing an avalanche hacking cop cars and defusing bombs and ramping over bucket wheel mining excavators and being swept out of the way of a train that was going full speed but silent until like 0.05 sec ago when it also burst through a wall or something? and whomever all is involved with racing like a rocket launch fr. and having fun, being yourself, and killing people, hell yeah

and like, the [this is like my autistic ass out here laser pointing at winston billions as autistic and having that lens on this media that doesn't intend it or directly invoke it] relevance also Of Course in that, through kompenso, that is where it is like yes as i have that personal symposium of ongoing compounding unfolding branching distilling consideration, analysis, appreciation, transformation, etc going on, so too does my colleague as the world's preeminent tayficionado, which is where they looked into akd's oeuvre and found the cam stone material, and passed it on to me, then passed on the [zine call for trans f&f contributions], So

and that, just like as is also found crucially in kompenso / the then preexisting & all eventually following winnie n tay material, there's that Autistic and Trans resonance. some particular quotes from this zine were especially like, oh, pointing, pointing...."Thirty minutes into my visit, I suddenly just didn’t want to be there anymore. I didn’t feel angry, not really very sad at all either. I just longed to be elsewhere. A different place, with different people, within a different moment. And then every cell in my body pleaded to not feel that way in all of my moments, in every group of people, in all places." ....[from a poem, ft. formatting thusly:] "It made me feel important, kind of? Like, more present? Like people talked about me a lot but never exactly about ME, if you know what I mean. I mean, of course sometimes I could feel something inside of me. A sneaking or, like, a skittering. I just kind of figured everyone feels that sometimes, like really deep down, right? It’s just that no one really talks about it, you know. That’s what I figured." ....[from a section of a contribution w/the context of the author not yet knowing that they're trans]: "but he was familiar and didn’t make me think too critically about much in the world, especially myself, especially as he never seemed too interested to ask me about me—not that I would’ve had much insight to share at the time beyond “please do not think too deeply about how I am.”"; and then, w/the context that they do realize, and have expressed, that they're trans: "but I was still learning about the concept of mattering, so I didn’t push the issue of basic respect at the time." ....from another submission, that is Sooo: "maybe i am transing Fast and Furious just by loving it" ...."Discovering, loving, and sharing this franchise (and myself) with others has been such a wildly different experience—maybe even the opposite experience—than self-policing myself into who I thought I should be. It’s nourishing, welcoming—an open invitation to learn and grow rather than an ongoing test to constantly worry about failing."

an ongoing test to constantly worry about failing....here ofc a parallel to Gendering, and, ofc, the autistic & trans [handshake] and resonance, to Autisting....i resonated with plenty, genderingly, but this wasn't a surprise or even like, my focus, and of course not all the entries themselves Textually mention [gendering], but it's like, a trans space in a zine lol, a baseline of that understanding and perspective, vs having to be actively looking. nonzero textual neurodivergence mentions, too, and other lenses of ways to be Othered / non normative, like race, nationality, religion. the overarching, Constant [omg sooo me] resonance is that of like, having this foundation of refusing Limits, of approaching a Rich Text a hundred different ways, w/different tones, and different formats, and different experiences and ideas explored. you don't need the source material to acknowledge any noncishet people textually exist (to be understood by noncishet audiences), or to be deemed Good, or Enjoyed, or your entry to be proffered as like, correct and definitive rather than One exploration you could offer up, amongst many offered by many others who could say more, again, differently....i've been like, balancing excitement for having this contribution, and its being like ooh fancy lol this is the one time i can say i have (non self-)published work, and it'll be Out There, and (including all contributors' gifted copies) apparently that ft. abt a thousand printed copies atm, and the digital distribution option hasn't happened yet....along with, like, it can't even be my comprehensive, definitive [cam stone exists btw] theoretical Ideal Entry lol b/c that would not be feasible for me to make or to be put into a zine. knowing i have Points on my side for it being crucially relevant lore (and the competition being hotter for the small form text entries, though there's other illustrations, comics, collages, edits, etc) like, yeah the strength of this isn't in its being as weird or funny or horny as anything could be, lol....but my Personality is embedded in it as per like, see: how that Journey of relevant interests and enthusiasms and engagements and perspectives and weirder, hornier, more extensive and varied works led up to and contribute to this piece's existence (such as, years of drawing winston 9000 times being part of how my drawing looked in march, when i made the cam stone piece)

and like, in not seeing everything as a test to fail, in seeing [when are you seeing things as that test to fail], &/or similarly/overlappingly seeing [when are you seeing things as a test to Prove Value to others or something and achieve person status in their eyes b/c of it] like, lol, i hope a thousand plus ppl learn cam stone exists, and it'd be fun if they enjoy that process. put in little floaty hearts as flair, just as i often do, b/c by now i just Know and Embrace that i do. and i'm not like "i hope everyone ever is blown away" b/c why would they be lol, and that's fine. like how even in [i just say some shit abt winston billions, and ofc abt myself and my experiences / perspectives through winston billions while knowing that's not what's "meant" out here probably maybe though put me through to will roland, yknow...] i'm like oh don't be thinking abt proving your value w/this specific oeuvre lol like. anyone Caring as validation like, it's too late by now, i like people liking shit and getting anything out of it but it's like, i'm doing my thing, i'm having a specific ass symposium abt quantent and billionsing "wrong" that eye enjoy, i enjoy getting any feedback/attention on shit i put out there in case ppl wanna partake, i don't enjoy any/all of it in any/all ways just so long as it's Anything, yknow. like same with interactions/attention on Me as an autistic person who actually exists, lol. speaking being exhausting when it's ppl saying shit At me, would-be "positive" attention that's from someone like deciding what i'm like or what i'm communicating and wanting something from me, that shared discussion Abt something can only be a gateway into like "normal" exchanges to "normally" socialize, finding that pattern of not being worth effort unless it's effort that gets something out of hurting you / thwarting you; all versus: i have plenty of expertise knowing myself vs needing feedback, i like doing my thing, i like doing my thing Alongside others, probably strangers, within a certain context, like being cooped up at college and socially recharging by going ""alone"" to the coffeeshop down the block, while going "with" people would generally be a mixed bag if not disheartening to even distressing. which, here i am, doing my little thing alongside strangers in this context of transgendering and fun and serious but not not funny and varying and daring and earnest materials exploring something that's about anything or everything or nothing, and not made for You, but here you are anyways, as you always have been

anyways, that is to say, like, perfect that it's turned out so like "yeah you don't need to have seen the movies even" and such enriching Reflections and like, so different and yet cohesive without needing to like, painstakingly group or order things to create some Connections, they're all there, and i'm like damn yeah cam's quarter-mile V neck, so fucking true. and i'm like, this is so Me, without having to be like, "and that is b/c i have put Me on the page, in full, with utmost success, and Everyone Will Love It (Me)" lol, which was not like, a danger, but that's through all the years of going [everything is a test i'm failing / can fail at any moment] and yknow, even up to recently and this very moment wrangling with and realizing things like, hand on shoulder are you looking to "earn" some estimation of Value in others' eyes that they can only choose to give by seeing everyone as a fellow person w/inherent value who deserves basic respect. like the mortality mondays that ramped up since late january, but also since '09, but also since like forever in different forms, and back when first discovering billions and, for like the only time while we've been watching, Knowing when everything in a season will air, but also not thinking i'd get to see it, and now in a similar boat, but different (having done "nothing" on paper over the years but like, been Realizing Things, been powering up, been assigning the Value to myself and Understanding myself & my experiences further. and also other things that you Could put on paper, but yknow), and like, it's still about [grr let me see billions through, even though i don't even see billions] and still about [!!!] despite it all and things that are "unserious" and also not and who needs like a certain kind of validation from enough of certain kinds of people

anyways, the autistique resonance within it, and in the process of reading it, and having our specific path to sending something in, and making it. it's an excellent ride and it's very epic that it exists so consider that print copy preorder if you want (plus the intended eventual digital distribution option, not yet available)

[noxtivagus]

i'll read more from now on again

[omotelie]

WHERE’S MY FUKING CAPO

[fardf150]

fuck