#i have so many things to do tomorrow how am i supposed to function like this

[mo-online]

TSC 2 IS CALLED THE GOLDEN RAVEN AND JEAN'S BIRTHDAY IS 11/9 TO MIRROR NEIL'S 1/19 BECAUSE THEY'RE CONNECTED EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP I CAN'T HANDLE THIS AT 3 AM

[dollsonmain]

I don't like calling off work but I work in a position that I interact with MANY people every day and getting those people, not to mention my coworkers, sick would be a dick move.

Today would be order day for deli stuff but I'm not there and I have no idea what we do or don't have in stock because stuff keeps being moved around when I'm not there.

That's frustrating for EVERYONE. Last week Manager was like "don't make many burgers because we're about out, and don't put any in the hot case at all" and I was like "I saw a whole unopened box of burgers in the other freezer so as long as we have enough bread, we can keep up on burgers" and she was like "what the hell how did I miss that" and I was like "that's not where it's supposed to beeeeeee!!!!" then last week I was like "hey, we're about out of buns are more coming soon?" and she was like "yeah I put in the order on monday" and when I went in on thursday there were HUNDREDS. OF BUNS. IN THE COOLER. We needed like... 1 hundred for the week.

Still baffling we go through that many buns in a week but at least 5 get put into the hot case every day, and if they don't sell, then at least those 5 are discarded every day.

That Guy said that he's heard from other coworkers of his that they've been sick over the holiday, too, so he certainly brought it home from work.

I'm glad my symptoms aren't nearly as bad as his, and honestly I would probably have gone to work in this condition because I can, I can function distressingly well while ill, but am smart enough to not??? I guess??? I will probably be going to work tomorrow. I do feel better, now, though still headachey and scratchy-throated so we'll see in the morning.

Not looking forward to walking to work in 20F weather.

Either way I have this feeling that I don't need to go back to work ever because it's done and that doesn't make sense. That kind of work needs redone constantly. I guess it's because I've gotten more comfortable with the job itself and feel like I've completed an objective?

Manager mentioned that I've come out of my shell at work and pointed out that I'm doing t-rex arms a lot. That is a pretty good indicator that I've gotten used to an environment that I'm in. Mask less, t-rex arms more. She pretended to throw something at me the other day and I went noooo and flapped my t-rex arms and she lost it.

I've heard that's a thing people with ADHD do; get bored with a job and jump from one to another, like trying to do craft projects and having many WIPs running at the same time, never finishing anything.

I like having income even though I just spent a huge chunk of it, and I like having work.

I like having an excuse to leave the house and a job that puts me into micro-social interactions that aren't too taxing, especially after spending the past nearly 20 years basically alone, only interacting with Son and That Guy. I talk to all the people for a short time each day, Manager will chat with me a little bit but mostly leaves me alone out on the floor because she can, and she does admin stuff in the back (or sleeps...).

I like that I can get to this job though I don't like that to get to it I have to walk a good ways. I don't like that the only way I can have a job at all is to walk, and living in a detached suburb, that's very limiting. Even if I got a bike or something, I'd still be limited to this suburb.

I don't like how it hurts (so much...) and how I can't work on my hobbies much or keep up with my house even less, now.

I don't like how all my free time now coincides with the time that That Guy is home and he expects me to sit and watch him play video games, which is why I do yarn stuff so much. Can do that from the couch.

I haven't vacuumed in weeks.

I ran out of yarn.

I don't want to have to quit my job because it's consuming my entire life. I can barely move after work.

[queenpiranhadon]

Just gonna vent a bit

This past week has been extremely stressful and I’m just done.

I’m a theatre kid - I love performing - and we have a show coming up this week and preparing for that is just so draining because apparently since I’m a cat and the costume they gave me has a masquerade style cat mask with ears, I’m not allowed to wear my freaking glasses and no one realizes that I have really bad eyesight - not so bad that I can’t walk or function completely - but if you were me - you’d realize how fucking terrifying it is when the world around you is blurry and you feel like you’re going dizzy except you’re not because this is just the damn body you’re born in.

To add on to all the stress, I have to maintain my grades and it’s just so exhausting because it’s like “test!” “test!” “review!” “review!” “oh you got a 96%?” “do better! you can’t keep distracting yourself with all this spending time with friends”

Mixed with “you never leave the house - why don’t you go out with friends?” Maybe it’s because YOU DONT LET ME.

And to top it all off, my dad is leaving for India tomorrow- and he just got back from another business trip within but still far in the country.

Tomorrow is also my brother’s birthday - my dad was supposed to leave yesterday, but he changed it so he could be here for my brother’s birthday.

How sweet and caring and thoughtful of him right?

And yes, I get that my dad is a very hardworking man and I’m very proud of him and his accomplishments but he never cares. It’s always about my perfect little brother who is far from perfect if you ask me. No matter what I do it’s always “be better!” “do better!” “you’ve been given a privilege and you’re putting it to waste!” With him, it’s always “we believe in you!” “we’ll help you through this!!” “no matter what, we’ll always love you.”

His punishments for doing literally terrible things are so small, yet when my parents find out I’m not straight, they give me emotional trauma for months. The little fucker literally trashed the neighbor’s front yard with a friend on purpose and then when confronted about it, lies straight through his teeth.

But here’s the real topping to the cake - yes I do love my parents, no matter how many times we may disagree on things, they are my rock and I wouldn’t be where I am without them. But this one small thing they couldn’t do for me. My dad goes out of his way to make sure he is there for my brother��s birthday but he isn’t there for mine last year. Last year when he left for a trip, he missed my musical’s show nights - had to watch it on a stupid hard drive - and when he did, he never said a goddamn thing. No “good job, your singing and acting was great!” or “I wish I could’ve been there in person!”

And even now, he’s still doing the same goddamn thing - he’s missing the show I’m doing and doesn’t feel a single ounce of remorse. All my fucking hard work for nothing.

It just fucking sucks when others seems to get what you want, what you need so easily, when you’ve worked your entire life to experience barely a ghost of what could’ve been.

And finally today, my brother is lying on the floor of my room, refusing to leave me the fuck alone even though I’ve been annoyed all day from walking around shopping for shit and sitting through church and trying to keep a clear head even though I just really want to go home and take a long nap but I can’t because the little fucker and trashing the room I spent all week trying to keep clean and my mom won’t do a goddamn thing because “it’s your brother and he’s just playing with you.”

And at this point- I’m just done. Because no one gets it. No one ever does.

And so I say something along the lines of “You’re turning — tomorrow. When I was your age, I was working hard, and auditioning and competing and you’re here lying on the floor of your older sister’s bedroom completely useless.”

And yes I admit that was a little harsh - he started crying - but my mom’s response was what got me.

She said “never call you brother useless again. Keep your achievements to yourself, you hear me?! I have never heard you this mean to anyone before.”

But she doesn’t know. She doesn’t know what I go through every day m, trying to keep my head high and my eyes looking forward even though I can’t see anything.

She doesn’t know, my dad doesn’t know, my brother doesn’t know, heck, most of my friends don’t even know. They all just think I’m a smart girl who’s never had a problem with her position, getting to where she is in life.

They don’t know how hard I work, how hard I worked, to keep my shaky feet on the ground, to keep myself standing tall when there’s nothing to keep me up.

For those who surely don’t need to know, I’ve been crying while typing all of this, and I’m exhausted so I’m ending this here.

Sorry for unexpectedly trauma dumping - I just needed shit off of my chest.

Hope y’all are doing okay!

Lotsa love from Kae <3

[l3ominor]

candyfloss?

Candyfloss is a thing me and one of my writer friends co-author! It's essentially a crossover between both our books, where her character(Teresa) and my character (Noctis) end up meeting and falling in love! Most of it is fluff and feels and cuteness as they help each other out and are generally just adorable together. It's written like a roleplay, and takes place in one of my personal worlds.

Here's a bit of one of the scenes we wrote! Word count is 835

Noctis: I set my backpack down on the floor with a muffled thump, running a hand through my hair before flopping down on Teresa’s bed. “Whoomph… sparks, it’s been a day, hasn’t it?” I say to the air, running my hands down my face. I am gonna be sore tomorrow… but that’s what I get for spending most of the day trying to wrestle a machine into functioning. I sit up slightly, grinning a little at Teresa. “How’ve you been?” I can finally ask that, now that we’ve got Milo and Laelynn distracted and leaving us alone. Not gonna lie, I love hanging out with them, but I don’t have as much energy for that today. I mostly just wanna hang out with my favorite person.

Teresa: I grin back. His smile is infectious. I grab my book, coming to sit down on the bed beside him. “Oh, you know. Surviving. How are you doing?”

Noctis: I laugh a little, nodding. I definitely get that. “I’m doing pretty good. Spent most of today working on projects and all. I’m making some good progress on my hover stuff. I can actually get off the ground with it now. But I still have a lot of work to do on the stabilization so… I may have crashed a few times,” I rub my shoulder a little. It is a bit bruised from being landed on so many times, but it’ll be gone by tomorrow, so it’s nothing to worry about.

Teresa: “With you on it? I thought there was supposed to be standards for that type of thing, you know, testing.” I nudge his arm gently, settling back against the end of the bed. “I could heal you, probably. If it’s bugging you. I haven’t used much magic today since training hasn’t started yet…” I trail off, giving him time to respond.

Noctis: “oh yeah, there’s standards and all, and I was following them, so I didn’t get banged up too bad. Just the standard testing scrapes and bumps. But yea, how else would I test it to see if it worked? And you don’t have to worry about healing it or anything. I mean, unless you want to, I won’t stop you… but yeah it’s not too bad.” I smile a little, shrugging slightly. It really isn’t too bad but also… I kinda like it when she heals me. It feels nice and also kinda… shows that she cares.

Teresa: I reach out, taking his hand in mine. “I wouldn’t know. Unmanned tests? Drone flights? Remote control? I’m not good at the techy stuff.” I breathe out for a moment, focusing on his hand as I try to focus the everflame.

Noctis: I nod a little in thought, holding her hand. “Yeah… yeah I could do those. But then I wouldn’t really get a good feel for how it worked. Machines and computers can tell you a lot, but experience is the best teacher. At least in my opinion.”

Teresa: It’s really hard to concentrate when he’s holding my hand, or at least, find the right emotions. Warm ones are easy, when there’s casual embarrassment burning away at the tips of my ears, or surprise, or just that burbling hope and happiness melting in my chest. The cool ones are a problem, though. “If you say so.” I lean over kissing the side of his cheek before pulling away, hardly taking my attention off his hand. It’s easier to focus on when it’s a problem I’m still trying to solve. “Maybe not if it’s getting you thrown into a wall, but I believe you if you say it’s all according to plan. And I trust you to be safe.” … Most of the time. The everflame sparks in my fingers, just a drop. He was right that it wasn’t too bad, but still… it’s nice to heal him, and it’s got to be nice not to have bruises everywhere. I let it spread, dismissing it when there isn’t anything left to heal. “There,” I say, looking up. And- he’s staring at me. I look away automatically, a blush rising to my cheeks. “What?”

Noctis: I can’t stop myself from grinning a little. “Just… you’re amazing.” I say, a little breathlessly. I gently kiss the back of her hand, then smile up at her again. “Thank you,” Sparks, fire can’t even begin to describe the feeling in my chest. Gosh, I love her so much. How did I manage to get this lucky? To be with her. Her. she could have chosen anyone in the world, and she chose to say yes to me.

Teresa: My blush deepens. I can’t look at him. I pull away nudging him slightly. If I end up closer at the same time, well. There’s nothing I can do about that. There’s nothing I can say to that. “You’re a dork. Thank you.”

Noctis: I laugh, giving her hand a squeeze before reaching up to poke her in the side. “Love you,”

[albywritesfiction]

I just wanted to say, because of the latests asks about the pining of the ROs for MC, that I'm very grateful for your decision to make both Ædric and Cyfrin have pre-existing feelings for the MC.

It may seem like such a dumb thing to thank someone for, but so many IF authors seem to have that mindset that they must make everything so that the story doesn't seem to "revolve around the MC" in-universe, meaning few characters will be interested in the MC in any way from start, and more often than not they will have romances with each other / random people if the player doesn't romance them (something I always hate! - I mean, that last part). It's obviously very valid and makes sense and it's a matter of each author's preferences, but as a player it's dishearthening to see very few games cater to MY preferences in that aspect. The fact yours does is a breath of fresh air to me! So yeah, thank you for that!

Also, I'm re-asking something I had asked before because maybe the ask was eaten or you answered on a day I was very busy and I somehow missed it and couldn't find it afterward - if it's as such, could you redirect me to the other ask? I would love to know if - especially on the capital route - we can decide our MC is still in-love with Ædan despite everything? Like, I know he's not a RO since it's not reciprocal anymore! My angle is basically a MC who wouldn't be able to let go desptie the hurt, or something like that. Would be very tragic of course. I'm not planning on going that way anyway, it's mere curiosity. Oh and if you saw the ask but decided not to answer for spoiler reasons or something else, then sorry for resending! I know tumblr eats asks sometimes and that the search function, if needed to be used, is more often than not pretty evil, so I prefer to veer on the side of caution and distrust towards tumblr, and just ask again!

Hi again Konoï and Noir!

Sorry again about how long it took me to answer your last ask 😭 When I got this one I was like, 😨 I'm sorryyyyy it's queued up for tomorrow though you'll see it soon I really need to write and come up with words faster 😭

I'm also really sorry to everyone else who has sent in asks that I haven't answered yet 😭 I'm not used to having to answer more than like 3 essay question exams that are like, "How does osmosis work? Explain in 3 - 5 sentences" and this was way back in high school 😅 Now the only papers I write are research papers and laboratory reports about centrifugation, adsorption, and other similar topics 😭

So yeah, I'm really sorry again for taking such a long time to answer, but I am doing my best to answer all the great asks I've received!

Now, onto your actual ask!

I'll admit, I wasn't expecting to be thanked for the decision I made about Ædric and Cyfrin having pre-existing feelings for MC, but I'm really glad that you like it 😄 Honestly, I just went with what I thought would make sense for our two sweethearts, and it wasn't always planned that both of them would have feelings for MC 😅

Cyfrin was always meant to have been in love with MC since they were kids, but Ædric and MC's relationship was supposed to be that of friendly acquaintances (with Ædric simply admiring MC and nothing more), then he was going to fall for them throughout the first part of the story and then eventually realize his feelings somewhere in the middle. But then I eventually realized that, because I had already previously decided that he and MC had been taking almost all their lessons together, his feelings of admiration would have grown much earlier after spending so much time with MC 😅

So yeah, I'm glad that you liked what I've decided for Ædric and Cyfrin and I hope you enjoy ATE when I release Chapter 1!

[nuclear-cowboy]

Tagged by @callcenterkilljoy to do 15 questions, 15 mutuals

Were you named after anyone? My first name? No. But my middle name I stole from an actor cause I thought it was cool

When was the last time cried? Like. Earlier today. I will cry tomorrow as well. That's how it goes.

Do you have kids? Absolutely not. Please god no. I am barely a functioning person. Also I'm not old enough for this to be considered

Do you use sarcasm alot? Sometimes? I dunno a normal about? You ask me to hand you something and I will say no while handing it to you. I guess this is sarcasm

What's the first thing you notice about people? I don't know if there is anything in particular I notice? Usually it depends on the person I suppose. I'm also just a pretty unobservent when it comes to people honestly ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

What's your eye colour? Brown. I do have sectoral heterochromia in one of my eyes but it's just a darker brown so it's not really noticeable. It's kinda cool though

Any special talents? I can make bubble sound effects. I can solve a rubix cube. I can bend just the top joint of my pinkie finger. My thumbs bend backwards. Actually useful special talents? no not really lol

Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings usually. But this is mainly just cause I barely watched anything ever so most movies I have watched I watched when I was a kid. But I do love horror as a genre and I have a whole lot of horror movies I want to watch so my answer might change

Where were you born? Aoteroa

What are your hobbies? A lot of drawing, in theory dnd (but I hardly ever play so mostly its just worldbuilding for fun), playing music, I go through phases of various handcrafts

Do you have any pets? I say i have 3 1/2 cats, They're of varying levels of feralness. Gonzo who was a kitten when we found him is basically just a house cat. Spud will occasionally cuddle but is pretty skittish. Lion you can pat sometimes but he's really scared of people, and Nala is basically a complete wild.

What sports do you play/have played? I did ballet for like 7 years growing up. I played one season of football (soccer if you're american). And then on and off muay thai, mma, and wrestling

How tall are you? 5'3

Favourite subject in school? Drama or history probably. I was a chemistry nerd but I dropped it as a subject. It got to much about the maths for me

Dream job? For the most part I don't have one, I do not dream of labor etc etc. But for the sake of the question I'd like to be a tattoo artist. I dunno I just want a job that I can be a functional person and make art and have hobbies and live my silly little life. And I need to be able to make art in some form or else I will simply die so. whatever I can manage

Tagging the mutuals i hope yall dont mind, obviously you don't have to do this, it's chill either way. You all are really cool and tagging this many people makes my anxious. Hope yall are having a good day (｡•̀ᴗ-)♡

@probablyahazard @horsecursed-cowboy @myc0l0gy @cowboycunt @alittleannihilation @draculagerard @bugfag @transaurus @mtmblid @faithdeans @kentuckycaverats @styxnbones @wormtiddies @shadowgast4t @deadmervsociety

[spacemagicandlaserswords]

The Bad Batch Season 2 Finale Reaction Part 2

I don't even know how to start this. Yes, other things happened in the finale episodes but I am not ok and I am still reeling from Tech's death. I haven't been that deeply affected by something in a while. The absolute horror and desperate pleading and crying at my laptop screen at 1am in the morning. It didn't properly hit me until after the episode finished but the genuine, visceral, painful ugly sobbing and crying that happened once the proverbial dam broke was something that hasn't happened in a while.

And it wasn't just that either. I felt physically sick and in pain. Still do. I've been wandering around in a sort of hollow, numb daze ever since, not really sure what to do with myself. Functioning but not really here. It's grief. I'm feeling actual, real, genuine grief. I feel like I've lost someone special that I cared for so much. I've kind of always known that I don't handle grief well and I'm getting better at identifying and dealing with it. This is one of those times where now that I've had a little bit more time I've realised that yes, it's grief.

I'm just – I cannot put into words how devastating that was. And the scene itself was even more completely heartbreaking. As soon as he said he could turn on the power but would have to do it at one of the poles I knew something was up. Instinctively, I just knew but I was desperately hoping and holding onto the idea that they'd have some ridiculous plan where they all got out of it safely.

But no.

Even now as I'm typing this out I'm so viscerally upset and trying not to sob and cry. Throughout that whole scene as things kept going wrong and the situation got worse and worse it all built up to the growing realisation that yup, this was it for Tech. There was a long shot of the rail cars from side on that showed the left rail car bending down and barely hanging on and then there was Tech dangling off the end even further below. I think it was that shot where it hit me that he's not getting out of this.

And then sacrificing himself to save the rest of the Batch.

"When have we ever followed orders".

...

I'm crying again.

I remember watching him in that moment and just desperately pleading and begging and no, you can't do this, no, not like this, not now, there's a way out of this, they can still save him, please, come on you can do this.

And then he makes this perfect shot that goes straight through the last bit of metal that was just barely holding the rail car up, because of course he does.

And then he just fell.

I've got so much more that I want to write about The Bad Batch finale but I didn't think I'd be affected by it this much. Affected doesn't feel like the right word but I can't think of a better one right now. It's all consuming. I'm not sure that I've even processed it yet. How I'm supposed to get through work tomorrow I've no idea. I really should have written more of this initial emotional reaction and thoughts at the time as I've had a while to sit with my emotions by now. There is so, so, so much more that I want to write about it all but at least I've started with this.

Do I actually think Tech is dead? No. Stay tuned for many deluded and in denial theories. Does that lessen the devastation and heart break of what happened and the emotions we're all going through? Also no.

This is going to be with me for sometime and I don't know if I'm ever truly going to be able to get over it or move on but I also don't think that's healthy or realistic. You learn to live with it and are changed by it. It's never going to go back to the way things were or how it used to be. But slowly, you're able to keep going in the new way of things.

But for now, I'm going to sit with it, feel this, and remember it all. And probably cry again.

[frogathy]

it’s frustrating knowing that i knew for two years that my adderal didnt make me feel any different and when i was asked by my mom or my doctor/psych i would always say “i have no idea”, shrug my shoulders, and usually i’d say “i cant tell” or “i have no idea how im supposed to know.” until now i didnt realize just how little it was doing for me. i havent done a single calculus assignment because he only puts the homework on google classroom, and thats just another step for my brain to process and become overwhelmed with. tonight i had so many things to do, but i just didnt do them. i cant function. and the thing is it’s not just things i don’t want to do, like write an annotated bibliography for my thesis or the other assignment that idek what it is—i love calculus, i love the teacher, i want to do the work. i want to do it because i know it will challenge me and prepare my brain to process things faster, and i simply enjoy the subject. i also just need to do it for my own understanding of whats going on. but i cant even check for the homework on google classroom because i get overwhelmed thinking about how i have to get my laptop out and then open GC and then write the assignment down and then open my book and get a paper from my binder and etc. every fiber of my being wants to do the assignment but i cant get off the floor and i am just constantly beating myself up about it because why havent i learned?? surely after nearly three years of knowing about my adhd i would have learned how to overcome that feeling somehow but no i havent

so anyways this post is about how i have a history term sheet due tomorrow that i havent done even though its jsut copying notes i Already took. as well as a quiz on the book we are reading in history except i havent read what was assigned! neither did i do so last week! im doing great and im definitely not fantasizing about dropping out again👍

[moonlayl]

One thing that sucks about being the child of an immigrant, or an immigrant yourself living in the west, is that when catastrophe hits your country, you’re not expeted to be affected.

Which makes sense in a way, because yeah, we’re obviously not the ones suffering and dying rn. 

But there’s a certain aspect of horror, watching your building/family’s building in another country collapse before your eyes on the news.

Knowing your family is dead and getting to see a part of that on screen, but you’re not there so you still have work and school and shit 

Like, idk how to explain it, but I see people’s looks. 

I remember being so heartbroken over what was happening in Palestine that I couldn’t show up to classes two years ago and spent days just watching the news, watching my Palestinian brothers and sisters get killed, and just not being able to function. 

People looked at me weirdly. “yeah it’s awful what’s happening, but YOU’RE safe. it’s not happening to you. You can’t stop YOUR life”

okay, but these are my people too. This is my country too. How am I supposed to just get on with life??

How am I supposed to go to work and help out customers trying out outfits and taking about vacationing in Europe or something, while my mind is on Turkey and Syria?

How am I supposed to go to classes and and write my essays and exams when Im grieving for a loss I can’t even experience properly?

But you can’t really say that can you?

“I have a family emergency” do I? There’s not much I can do from my home when my family is overseas and I’m unable to get to to them.

“there’s been a death in the family” of people I don’t know very well but have glimpses of from back when I was so much younger. Does it count? 

Like I don't know, but I’m going to school tomorrow and sure, ofc course people are horrified by what happened but other Canadians can 100% donate but then get now with their lives. Students will be in the cafeteria laughing, and professors will start lecturing with no mention of what happened that completely shook MY world. 

it’ll feel like an elephant in the room, but I’m the only one aware of its existence. 

Because I’m not there, I’m not expected to be affected as if I am. 

But on the inside it feels like I am. On the inside I want to be there to get to see them before they possibly die. 

I don’t even know anymore

The worst part is that one second I'm completely fine. I can forget because it ISN’T physically happening to me. And then I immediately remember and feel so guilty and it hits me all over again. 

“3000 people dead” and how many are people I knew from before? How many are people my friends here in the west know and love? How many are friends/relatives of my family overseas? How many were children? How many had plans and dreams?

[malkovic13]

friends

I put so much effort into so many things that were a total and complete loss, if not worse, that rather than expect it I almost welcome it. Because tomorrow, I'll be doing something new. You will be passing all those years as though you never left high school, just waiting for a vacation to try and experience something different. And then you go on vacation, and your wife cucks you and you both get herpes. Lol no, that is comfortable, but being free is like living three days at once, there's always something to bring you square with the present, always more to not learn and just kinda half ass...

I'm... happy. For the first time in years, decades maybe... I don't try to feel happy or sad, I just am. There's not enough anger in me to get me going, today, my heart doesn't hurt. My arm doesn't hurt the same way, it was pretty constant for three or four months, then it stopped hurting, and now as the ability to lift shit is coming back it hurts again, but different, so it seems to be going through a process, and I think I'm going to be fully functional again soon. For how long, I wonder, will this window of opportunity last, where I'm not nursing any injury and have no fresh emotional scars...

no matter, I'm happy. It was a perfect day. I'm not even going to knock on wood before midnight, it was just... I suppose I am a bit arrogant, one of me, is. There are many souls within the shell that is Malkovic, and perhaps, just maybe, there's a good one in there, who takes responsibility and does the right thing, and acts modest about it.

but the rest of us are not, modest, we kicked that ass, we killed it, we did it with the help of new friends. one hundred.

[ghostfishk]

i hate it here. i don’t know if i can handle spending the night with them both anymore. i feel like a nuisance. a third wheel. just something getting in the way.

a spider appeared in my car. i physically cannot move when there’s a spider. i completely freeze up. and if i try to do anything else i will have a full panic attack/meltdown. i. cannot. do. spiders. and she got so pissed at me. i had nothing to smush it. it didn’t go a way that i could hit it out the window. i physically couldn’t do anything. and it made its way over to her side and they also couldn’t do anything. so after a while of absolute silence and tension they finally told me to just go. okay. cool. so what’s the plan with the 2 drink carriers and 2 bags of food? now i was definitely kinda rushed in saying that, and came across pushy and maybe even a little shitty but i just had a really rough shift and there’s a fucking spider in my car that’s supposed to be my only safe space right now, but she got mad at me for asking and i could see once we actually got going that she was texting our other friend, probably ranting about the whole situation which is valid, like it was really wonky but it also makes me feel like shit and i don’t know what to do about it.

they keep correcting me on my own existence. they say i am asleep the whole time. from 1-4 i slept maybe 2 hours if. and when i was out. i was generally out, but most of it was me with my headphones trying not to have a meltdown and just fucking ignoring them because they do not fucking understand that i just don’t care. they might be able to function off of 3 hours of sleep but if i even try, with the shit i do in a day, i will have a meltdown and die. i can barely function on a normal 7-8 hour 12-8am sleep i realistically probably need to sleep 10+ hours with the amount of stuff i do in a shift but if i did i simply wouldn’t have a life.

i talk about how i push all shift, and it feels like she tries to show me up by saying how many racks she pushed. which yes. it sucks how much you had to do but i also did a lot and it doesn’t feel good when i try to rant about work and you IMMIDIATLY hit me with how bad your shift was, or how thats “normal” to you or you’ve had worse. like i love you but genuinely shut the fuck up i cannot handle it much longer.

today was good work wise, productive, not overwhelming as much as it’s been. good people? talked to him quite a bit, starting to build a genuine connection, and humor between the two of us, along with mentioning some things about trans existence. nothing major, just mentioning that i’ve only been going by K- for about a year. he made a joke i should go as a ghost for halloween, and i made a joke that with normal friends would be funny but i don’t know if it actually landed with him.

tomorrow i get to meet kittens when i go play d&d and im so excited. they are what’s keeping me going this week. i’m so excited to leave work early, same time as him. and i’m so excited to go and see cats. and to sleep in my own bed after, and then not work until 3 the day after but it’s also the easy job. i cannot wait until 845pm so i can be over this week and start next week maybe a little bit more normal

hopefully my ipad doesn’t die before i can fall asleep

because i will have a meltdown if i cannot music. they will not be quiet. they’re talking about some comic con ripoff.

9/7/24

[suzukiblu]

Part one of a concept about this concept done for the Haunting Heroes Discord; mostly behind the read-more and to be continued later.

Tucker is having a normal one, by which he means nobody's dead who isn't supposed to be and also he's up to his elbows in ectoplasm-drenched ghost tech trying to keep things that way. Sam is beating off GIW agents with nothing but the Fenton Anti-Creep Stick like the badass she is and looking great doing it, so it's a shame he doesn't really have time to admire the view.

Well, that's what hacking the security cameras later is for, now isn't it.

"You better appreciate this, dude, I have an eight AM class tomorrow," Tucker informs the unconscious guy they're busy trying to save, who for once is not Danny, surprisingly enough. The guy doesn't say anything back, on account of being, you know, unconscious.

Speaking of looking great doing things, "unconscious" really shouldn't look so good on anybody. That seems unfair. And also weird.

This dude possibly is just actually that pretty, though. Tucker was not aware that he was this bisexual, to be honest? Like he was vaguely aware of being bisexual-ish, at least in stressful situations, but this dude was unfairly hot even before the GIW busted down the doors and started starting shit.

So like, learn something new every day, Tucker guesses.

Mostly what he's learning right now, of course, is how to rip apart this bastardized ecto-tech that the GIW really, really does not know how to handle and would abuse the fuck out of if they did.

Obviously, given the presence of the very attractive unconscious guy they've got hooked up to all of said tech and floating in ectoplasm. Tucker would not expect ecto to be so flattering on somebody, but the fact the guy isn't wearing anything besides the machines he's hooked up to is admittedly probably helping with that. Like–just probably.

Or definitely, because Tucker has a lot of work to do here so they don't get their asses kicked and arrested by dubiously-legal allegedly-government agents, and yet is still repeatedly getting distracted by this dude's chiseled abs and strong jaw and pretty, pretty face.

Definitely more bisexual than previously realized, yeah.

Tucker yanks some important wires out of the console he's breaking down, plugs in some new ones, and uploads a very nasty virus or ten into the software. The console's screens all start flashing and a new set of alarms starts screaming.

Well, hopefully that's a good sign.

Like, for them, he means. Not the GIW.

"Could we get some hustle here, maybe?!" Sam yells, swinging the Anti-Creep Stick into an agent's unprotected gut.

"Don't rush my art with sports metaphors!" Tucker says indignantly.

"Don't insult me by claiming I'm using sports metaphors!" Sam snaps back. The next GIW agent she hits does not get back up. Tucker decides not to sass her any more right now.

Or at least not too much more, anyway. Because, like, he's not made of stone or anything here.

Also, that was in fact a sports metaphor.

"No appreciation, geez," he grumbles as she charges out into the hall, Creep Stick a-swingin', then starts digging into the software with his PDA. The current goal is getting Unconscious But Pretty About It awake and out of the giant glass tube of freaky ecto-soup he's currently contained in. Tucker is pretty sure that's not doing anything good to the guy, considering. Ectoplasm is just not meant to function as a spa treatment.

A thing about the GIW is most of the agents can't actually see ghosts, because actually seeing ghosts is an acquired skill. Actually, none of them can, as far as Tucker knows. Their tech sure can, though. There's a reason they all wear those incredibly unfashionable glasses all the time.

So like, that's useful, because tech? Tech is something Tucker can lie to.

Anyway, that's why the agents have all been dodging ghosts that aren't actually there while Sam Creep-Sticks as many of them as possible, and also why the two of them, who actually can see ghosts thanks to being on deck for Danny's half-death, didn't get immediately overwhelmed by superior numbers. The GIW guys are not currently aware of their superior numbers, which is all that matters. Perception does a lot, including buy a guy time to break another guy out of the weird ecto-tube he's being aggressively marinated in, for whatever reason the GIW would be aggressively marinating a guy.

Tucker has theories. They're not great theories.

Like, at all.

He finds some stuff that looks useful, in the sense that he finds some stuff about sedative doses and the machine that's currently supplying said doses to Tall Pale And Sexy, and he cracks into the program running it. It takes very little effort to start its power-down procedure, and even less to start draining the freaky ectoplasm bath. Tucker doesn't know what these specific sedatives actually are, but the dosage seems weirdly high, considering? Not that Tucker actually knows much about putting anyone under sedation or anything, just those are some very high numbers.

So that's weird, yeah.

The ecto-tube drains. The guy sinks down with the lowering ectoplasm, ending up crumpled in a heap at the bottom of it, leaned half-against the glass. He doesn't move or stir, but Tucker can see him breathing, so at least he isn't dead. Which isn't necessarily the same thing as being ended, Tucker is very intimately aware, but is still probably a good sign.

He really is pretty, Tucker observes distractedly, and then the guy's eyes snap open and Tucker gets a glimpse of absolutely electric blue before the whole tube explodes, splattering glass and ectoplasm everywhere.

"Agh," Tucker says from where he threw himself down behind the console. Well, that was terrifying.

Also weird. What the hell made that happen?

"You good, dude?" he calls, hoping to high heck that the glass all exploded outwards. Whatever did it, Ecto-Bath Hottie definitely did not have a convenient console to take cover behind.

"Nrgh?" the guy grunts, which at least implies he's not dead, so Tucker will take it. He peers out from behind the console and finds Walking Bisexual Crisis Trigger standing in the middle of a puddle of ectoplasm and broken glass, attempting to detangle himself from the mess of machines. Tucker figures he should probably help, there's a lot of them and–

Looks Good In Green Ooze yanks the intubation tube out of his throat one-handed and all the other machines he's hooked up to just fall apart and fall off him all at once.

. . . okay, convenient. And a weird design choice on the GIW's part, but Tucker isn't gonna complain about the weird thing being a thing going right for once. Usually the weird things are harbingers of the apocalypse or signs of dubiously-ethical ghost hunters or the Box Ghost, not just minor conveniences.

Also, they usually involve way less eye candy, because the GIW did not provide Ecto-Dipped Sexypants any actual, like . . . pants-pants.

That's unfortunate for him. Less unfortunate for Tucker, but he's gonna try and be polite about his oogling. Like, he'll minimize it until they get out of the freaky government-funded anti-ghost lab, if nothing else.

Mostly minimize it, Tucker amends as Bottled Hottie flexes off the last of the machines clinging to him and several of them break. Break badly.

Oh boy, Tucker thinks feelingly. It's Christmas for his bi awakening, apparently.

"Watch out for the glass," he advises, pointing down at it. The physical manifestation of his bi awakening blinks blurrily at him, then looks down at the shattered glass strewn all across the floor at his feet.

Then his feet float up off the floor.

. . . okay, again.

Eh, whatever, Tucker's seen weirder. Like, way weirder, in fact.

"Who the hell are you?" the dreamiest ecto-science experiment Tucker has ever seen demands, clenching his fists as he squares up aggressively. It does some things for his shoulders. And his face. And his . . . everything, basically.

Unf.

"I'm the guy who just broke you out of the giant glowy test tube and isn't gonna say his legal name in a shady government lab," Tucker replies matter-of-factly, ripping out the wires connecting his PDA to the glass-covered console and winding them up in case he's gonna need them again. "Hey, on that note, we should totally run. Or fly, I guess, I'm not telling you how to live your life. Assuming you're alive, I mean, also not gonna make any assumptions there."

Running is best, he figures. Sam'll catch up. Actually, probably they're the ones who need to catch up to her.

"Who said I wasn't alive?" the guy asks, looking briefly skeeved-out. Tucker shrugs.

"I don't judge, man, I just work with what we've got," he says. "If you're dead it'll just be easier to get you out and harder to keep you out, that's kinda how this goes. Hey, how good are you at flying? Or is this more a basic levitation thing?"

"I can fly," the guy says.

"Nice," Tucker says, then holds his hands up. "In that case, can I get a ride?"

What, like he's gonna turn down the chance to get carried by a dude who looks like this one? Not freaking likely.

"Where are we?" Experiment McSexy asks as he looks around the lab with a suspicious frown, though he does, in fact, scoop Tucker up bridal-style, so Tucker's gonna count this one as a win. "This doesn't look like Cadmus."

"Oh, that is such a long story," Tucker says, shamelessly looping his arms around the guy's neck and wondering what the heck a "Cadmus" is. "Waaaaay too long to explain here. We should just go get coffee about it after this, actually, that'd be easiest."

". . . coffee, huh," Handsome McHandsomeface says, the corner of his mouth ticking up into a smirk as he gives Tucker an undeservedly appreciative once-over. Not that Tucker is gonna argue with that appreciation, obviously.

And he's definitely gonna count this one as a win.

DP X DC

Of which ghosts are all of similar strain: normal ppl can't see them unless in specific circumstances OR having been exposed to specific situations (ex. Death and Resurrection, Lazarus Pit, having a portal to afterlife in one building in your small town, etc).

Or

Ppl outside Amity Park literally couldn't see what's happening in Amity Park. Somehow there's this one kid that keeps on disappearing, people floating for absolutely no reason (they're not even meta??) (It might be some ghost picking up a person to the Amity Parker's, no biggie), just who are these ppl talking to/about??

Amity Park isn't the most haunted city in US. It's the weirdest.

[missindependentdiaries]

I am romanticizing loneliness, and this will bring me to the depth of darkness until the brink of madness. I know. But I cannot help it, I love that I feel so much, something. It's beautiful, really, rather than nothing. I do not want to be ignorant to sadness.

However, the shame in being lonely despite my supposedly okay circumstances is the only thing that keeps me from falling completely.

I am mad, at many things in life. So many reasons to be mad, but I do not know much reaaon for me be lonely. Life mocks me, I do not have reasons to be depressed yet it does not give me reasons to be happy: to live.

Things, people, experience that used to make me happy and grateful to live do not feel like anything anymore. I feel gray, empty and stagnant. Things that I laugh at, smile at, are now not enough to anchor me to the living anymore.

Nothing else moves me. Only loneliness could, and yet it could only me inch by inch. Small steps and towards the realm of darkness. It carries me further and further away from breathing. Slowly, I am unlearning how to to function with these lungs and these chambers in my chest being weighed down.

Really, nothing to die for and yet nothing to live for, what is this purgatory? Crawling through daily just to find scraps to feed on and smile for mere seconds until make it through the day, until I have to sleep. I have nothing and yet I'm supposed to have everything I need. I have no one and yet I feel burdened by everyone around me.

I want to understand you dear in the mirror, but I 'm falling deeper. Yet frankly, I think it is time to fall into you. Should I stay, not for the shame anymore, instead for the hope that one day I'll understand and learn to breathe again? Until when should I wait? How many more tomorrows can I crawl through? How long more could I?

[m4lexxx67]

Having a crisis rn about moving out. Like... I shouldn't moving out yet, I so not feel ready for that, what the fuck??? I don't know what the fuck's gonna happen or how the hell I'm supposed to function on my fucking own!!

And most importantly, I'm gonna have to leave my old room. Like, I've been lucky enough that my room has always been a safe space for me to the extent where the first thing I'd miss when going on vacation was my room. Every damn time I wouldn't be in my room for several nights in a row, I would think "just this many nights more and then I'm in my own bed again". Which doesn't mean I never enjoyed my vacation or anything just... if you asked me what 'home' meant to me, it would have been the room I've been living in for the past twelve years. And I do plan on coming home on weekends but a lot of the stuff that used to be in my room won't be there anymore because it's going to be in my new place and hopefully make that feel like home too but there's no guarantee for that and, yeah, I might have some kind of problem with change but just because I know I do doesn't make it any easier and I also hate endings and this is essentially what this feels like even tho it might not technically be true but it just feels like so many last times...

Don't get me wrong, there's definitely things I'm looking forward to, but rn it's just fucking scary. I'm going to be packing up the most important stuff today and bring them over tomorrow and... idk it's just really hard and I am so, so incredibly glad that a friend of mine is going to be my roommate and that there's a "part of my old life" still with me that can give me some stability yk? And that's one friend that I know for sure I won't be losing touch with bc I know I'm really bad at keeping in touch with people and texting them for no reason but I don't know how to do better (although I did text my childhood best friend recently and I'm really proud if myself for that. At least I'm trying yk). And I'm especially afraid of losing my best friend. I mean I know we won't lose touch, at least not any time soon, bc we text each other the most random stuff. But things will probably still change and I don't know how they will change and... yeah, again, it's scary.

But we have DnD and therefore a reason to keep in contact and still meet up with some kind of reason and maybe extra motivation or something to actually make time for it yk? It's probably going to be okay it's just really hard to actually see and understand that rn. Like, I'm sitting on the couch in our living room and I'm feeling fucking homesick for the house I'm still in. The first few weeks of moving out will be so hard, jesus fuck. But I'm feeling better already from writing all of this down so at least there's that I guess

[nictuniema123445]

This is going to be long because that man destroyed my soul one little letter at a time.

“The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.”

“I am glad you are here with me. Here at the end of all things, Sam.”

“There is nothing like looking, if you want to find something. You certainly usually find something, if you look, but it is not always quite the something you were after.”

“For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach.”

“have claimed that Escape is one of the main functions of fairy-stories, and since I do not disapprove of them, it is plain that I do not accept the tone of scorn or pity with which 'Escape' is now so often used. Why should a man be scorned if, finding himself in prison, he tries to get out and go home? Or if he cannot do so, he thinks and talks about other topics than jailers and prison-walls?”

“But I have been too deeply hurt, Sam. I tried to save the Shire, and it has been saved, but not for me. It must often be so, Sam, when things are in danger: some one has to give them up, lose them, so that others may keep them.”

“Go back?" he thought. "No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!" So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter.”

“Some who have read the book, or at any rate have reviewed it, have found it boring, absurd, or contemptible, and I have no cause to complain, since I have similar opinions of their works, or of the kinds of writing that they evidently prefer.”

“Yes, I am here. And you are lucky to be here too after all the absurd things you've done since you left home.”

“And the ship went out into the High Sea and passed into the West, until at last on a night of rain Frodo smelled a sweet fragrance on the air and heard the sound of singing that came over the water. And then it seemed to him that as in his dream in the house of Bombadil, the grey rain-curtain turned all to silver glass and was rolled back, and he beheld white shores and beyond them a far green country under a swift sunrise.”

“Don't adventures ever have an end? I suppose not. Someone else always has to carry on on the story.”

“We shouldn't be here at all, if we'd known more about it before we started. But I suppose it's often that way. The brave things in the old tales and songs, Mr. Frodo: adventures, as I used to call them. I used to think that they were things the wonderful folk of the stories went out and looked for, because they wanted them, because they were exciting and life was a bit dull, a kind of a sport, as you might say. But that's not the way of it with the tales that really mattered, or the ones that stay in the mind. Folk seem to have been just landed in them, usually — their paths were laid that way, as you put it. But I expect they had lots of chances, like us, of turning back, only they didn't. And if they had, we shouldn't know, because they'd have been forgotten. We hear about those as just went on — and not all to a good end, mind you; at least not to what folk inside a story and not outside it call a good end. You know, coming home, and finding things all right, though not quite the same — like old Mr Bilbo. But those aren't always the best tales to hear, though they may be the best tales to get landed in! I wonder what sort of a tale we've fallen into?”

“have found that it is the small everyday deed of ordinary folks that keep the darkness at bay. Small acts of kindness and love.”

“The whole thing is quite hopeless, so it's no good worrying about tomorrow. It probably won't come.”

“How do you move on? You move on when your heart finally understands that there is no turning back.”

“I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.

"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

“I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.”

“If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.”

“It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.”

“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”

I want to know what Tolkien line hits you hard every time. Where you are just left stunned. It can be from the books, movies, a scrap of paper the Professor wrote on once, whatever. Share your impactful line!

[zxvtrpnljhfdb]

I fucked up BIG

I had my usual rant all prepared for the afternoon when I fatfingered it. I hadn't blocked my ex on my main account so that they could communicate with me about their dog, who's staying in the apartment while they're out on their....... whatever staycation.

The detective was supposed to be by tomorrow, but they were able to come out after I got off work. So they served my ex with the warrant for the computer, but I don't think they were necessarily able to get a warrant for the hard-drive, which my ex took with fOr SoMe MySteRiOuS rEaSOn.

Anyway, just before they came through, my ex had stopped by to get the dog. They forgot their keys??? I've never seen them forget their keys. I just gave them the leash, dog attached, and the dog did the rest.

Finally, about an hour ago, their new plaything brought the dog back. She is seriously sick. I hope it's not contagious.

Anyway, so my dumb ass was all crowing about how amazing my life has become--I have a stable employer, I've had a really stable living condition. I don't think my partner necessarily meant to give me that self-esteem boost, but I deserve it. We have had money to pay rent every single month. And in large part, I owe that to myself. Now, there were a few months where she did carry us herself. She does deserve that little credit. Those few months were awesome. This place was so fucking clean. There were even a few months where we both worked. Not at all sure where the fuck all that money went to.

I was also stupidly, stupidly crowing about how the fertility situation was actually good, I'm just concerned that the sperm was bunk.

Then, like I mentioned, I mentioned the cops coming to literally solve our dispute over the computer. It was mostly coincidence that she was apparently coming back, keys in hand, to supposedly return the dog, and she ran into the cops.

I put all my fucking cards out there in this stupid blog post. I can't fucking believe she got it open or up so fucking quick. All I can fucking hope is she navigated away from it before she could record it. But that's a slim hope.

I have been so fucking sleep deprived this week. I'm really happy between the depression and my hormones, things are going better for me physically, because otherwise these last few weeks, I'm not sure how I would have been able to handle things. In the about hour between the time they called to say they were on their way, and the time they arrived, I actually passed the fuck out and I was so fucking groggy when they got here.

The camera gal took pictures of e v e r y t h i n g. And I am not even remotely proud of how this place looks, it is abso-fuckin-lutely trashed. It is so embarrassing. It's still gonna be a dump when I'm fully out.

I filed a TRO. Between this and the CSAM issue..........I see soooooooooo many hours in court in my future.........

That my ex finally blocked me is of truly cold comfort. It is not that hard to make up new accounts to keep an eye on people. Even if I cut and dyed my hair and posted a whole entire thing about a negative pregnancy test, I've shown that I can apparently lie pretty goddamn well when I feel unsafe. Or, sorry, apparently, according to my ex, I don't feel unsafe. I'm making it up for attention.

False, but, potayto potahto, right? I have plenty of reasons to feel unsafe around my ex. I'm no longer of any value to them with someone more malleable and with more money around. They've pointed a gun at me so many times, but like hahaha like funny don't be so serious take a joke. Her first response when ending it was to clear out the bank account of my money. Money that I earned. Money that was supposed to go to rent and utilities for the person who earned it. Instead, she high-rolled her fucking vacation with it. But oh, I guess she really needed it more than I do.

So yeah, this high likelihood of pregnancy could turn out to just be really good evidence that the engines just need some actually functional sperm and she still wouldn't believe me. I wouldn't be safe.

So I at least need a restraining order.

Anyway, I need sleep. With this level of stress, I probably am going to have to try again later. With all the fucking harassing and lying and bullying, I wouldn't be surprised if it did get fertilized but my uterus was just like, nope! My eyes are struggling to focus so I'm out