#i have so many things to do tomorrow how am i supposed to function like this

[mo-online]

TSC 2 IS CALLED THE GOLDEN RAVEN AND JEAN'S BIRTHDAY IS 11/9 TO MIRROR NEIL'S 1/19 BECAUSE THEY'RE CONNECTED EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP I CAN'T HANDLE THIS AT 3 AM

[queenpiranhadon]

Just gonna vent a bit

This past week has been extremely stressful and I’m just done.

I’m a theatre kid - I love performing - and we have a show coming up this week and preparing for that is just so draining because apparently since I’m a cat and the costume they gave me has a masquerade style cat mask with ears, I’m not allowed to wear my freaking glasses and no one realizes that I have really bad eyesight - not so bad that I can’t walk or function completely - but if you were me - you’d realize how fucking terrifying it is when the world around you is blurry and you feel like you’re going dizzy except you’re not because this is just the damn body you’re born in.

To add on to all the stress, I have to maintain my grades and it’s just so exhausting because it’s like “test!” “test!” “review!” “review!” “oh you got a 96%?” “do better! you can’t keep distracting yourself with all this spending time with friends”

Mixed with “you never leave the house - why don’t you go out with friends?” Maybe it’s because YOU DONT LET ME.

And to top it all off, my dad is leaving for India tomorrow- and he just got back from another business trip within but still far in the country.

Tomorrow is also my brother’s birthday - my dad was supposed to leave yesterday, but he changed it so he could be here for my brother’s birthday.

How sweet and caring and thoughtful of him right?

And yes, I get that my dad is a very hardworking man and I’m very proud of him and his accomplishments but he never cares. It’s always about my perfect little brother who is far from perfect if you ask me. No matter what I do it’s always “be better!” “do better!” “you’ve been given a privilege and you’re putting it to waste!” With him, it’s always “we believe in you!” “we’ll help you through this!!” “no matter what, we’ll always love you.”

His punishments for doing literally terrible things are so small, yet when my parents find out I’m not straight, they give me emotional trauma for months. The little fucker literally trashed the neighbor’s front yard with a friend on purpose and then when confronted about it, lies straight through his teeth.

But here’s the real topping to the cake - yes I do love my parents, no matter how many times we may disagree on things, they are my rock and I wouldn’t be where I am without them. But this one small thing they couldn’t do for me. My dad goes out of his way to make sure he is there for my brother’s birthday but he isn’t there for mine last year. Last year when he left for a trip, he missed my musical’s show nights - had to watch it on a stupid hard drive - and when he did, he never said a goddamn thing. No “good job, your singing and acting was great!” or “I wish I could’ve been there in person!”

And even now, he’s still doing the same goddamn thing - he’s missing the show I’m doing and doesn’t feel a single ounce of remorse. All my fucking hard work for nothing.

It just fucking sucks when others seems to get what you want, what you need so easily, when you’ve worked your entire life to experience barely a ghost of what could’ve been.

And finally today, my brother is lying on the floor of my room, refusing to leave me the fuck alone even though I’ve been annoyed all day from walking around shopping for shit and sitting through church and trying to keep a clear head even though I just really want to go home and take a long nap but I can’t because the little fucker and trashing the room I spent all week trying to keep clean and my mom won’t do a goddamn thing because “it’s your brother and he’s just playing with you.”

And at this point- I’m just done. Because no one gets it. No one ever does.

And so I say something along the lines of “You’re turning — tomorrow. When I was your age, I was working hard, and auditioning and competing and you’re here lying on the floor of your older sister’s bedroom completely useless.”

And yes I admit that was a little harsh - he started crying - but my mom’s response was what got me.

She said “never call you brother useless again. Keep your achievements to yourself, you hear me?! I have never heard you this mean to anyone before.”

But she doesn’t know. She doesn’t know what I go through every day m, trying to keep my head high and my eyes looking forward even though I can’t see anything.

She doesn’t know, my dad doesn’t know, my brother doesn’t know, heck, most of my friends don’t even know. They all just think I’m a smart girl who’s never had a problem with her position, getting to where she is in life.

They don’t know how hard I work, how hard I worked, to keep my shaky feet on the ground, to keep myself standing tall when there’s nothing to keep me up.

For those who surely don’t need to know, I’ve been crying while typing all of this, and I’m exhausted so I’m ending this here.

Sorry for unexpectedly trauma dumping - I just needed shit off of my chest.

Hope y’all are doing okay!

Lotsa love from Kae <3

[l3ominor]

candyfloss?

Candyfloss is a thing me and one of my writer friends co-author! It's essentially a crossover between both our books, where her character(Teresa) and my character (Noctis) end up meeting and falling in love! Most of it is fluff and feels and cuteness as they help each other out and are generally just adorable together. It's written like a roleplay, and takes place in one of my personal worlds.

Here's a bit of one of the scenes we wrote! Word count is 835

Noctis: I set my backpack down on the floor with a muffled thump, running a hand through my hair before flopping down on Teresa’s bed. “Whoomph… sparks, it’s been a day, hasn’t it?” I say to the air, running my hands down my face. I am gonna be sore tomorrow… but that’s what I get for spending most of the day trying to wrestle a machine into functioning. I sit up slightly, grinning a little at Teresa. “How’ve you been?” I can finally ask that, now that we’ve got Milo and Laelynn distracted and leaving us alone. Not gonna lie, I love hanging out with them, but I don’t have as much energy for that today. I mostly just wanna hang out with my favorite person.

Teresa: I grin back. His smile is infectious. I grab my book, coming to sit down on the bed beside him. “Oh, you know. Surviving. How are you doing?”

Noctis: I laugh a little, nodding. I definitely get that. “I’m doing pretty good. Spent most of today working on projects and all. I’m making some good progress on my hover stuff. I can actually get off the ground with it now. But I still have a lot of work to do on the stabilization so… I may have crashed a few times,” I rub my shoulder a little. It is a bit bruised from being landed on so many times, but it’ll be gone by tomorrow, so it’s nothing to worry about.

Teresa: “With you on it? I thought there was supposed to be standards for that type of thing, you know, testing.” I nudge his arm gently, settling back against the end of the bed. “I could heal you, probably. If it’s bugging you. I haven’t used much magic today since training hasn’t started yet…” I trail off, giving him time to respond.

Noctis: “oh yeah, there’s standards and all, and I was following them, so I didn’t get banged up too bad. Just the standard testing scrapes and bumps. But yea, how else would I test it to see if it worked? And you don’t have to worry about healing it or anything. I mean, unless you want to, I won’t stop you… but yeah it’s not too bad.” I smile a little, shrugging slightly. It really isn’t too bad but also… I kinda like it when she heals me. It feels nice and also kinda… shows that she cares.

Teresa: I reach out, taking his hand in mine. “I wouldn’t know. Unmanned tests? Drone flights? Remote control? I’m not good at the techy stuff.” I breathe out for a moment, focusing on his hand as I try to focus the everflame.

Noctis: I nod a little in thought, holding her hand. “Yeah… yeah I could do those. But then I wouldn’t really get a good feel for how it worked. Machines and computers can tell you a lot, but experience is the best teacher. At least in my opinion.”

Teresa: It’s really hard to concentrate when he’s holding my hand, or at least, find the right emotions. Warm ones are easy, when there’s casual embarrassment burning away at the tips of my ears, or surprise, or just that burbling hope and happiness melting in my chest. The cool ones are a problem, though. “If you say so.” I lean over kissing the side of his cheek before pulling away, hardly taking my attention off his hand. It’s easier to focus on when it’s a problem I’m still trying to solve. “Maybe not if it’s getting you thrown into a wall, but I believe you if you say it’s all according to plan. And I trust you to be safe.” … Most of the time. The everflame sparks in my fingers, just a drop. He was right that it wasn’t too bad, but still… it’s nice to heal him, and it’s got to be nice not to have bruises everywhere. I let it spread, dismissing it when there isn’t anything left to heal. “There,” I say, looking up. And- he’s staring at me. I look away automatically, a blush rising to my cheeks. “What?”

Noctis: I can’t stop myself from grinning a little. “Just… you’re amazing.” I say, a little breathlessly. I gently kiss the back of her hand, then smile up at her again. “Thank you,” Sparks, fire can’t even begin to describe the feeling in my chest. Gosh, I love her so much. How did I manage to get this lucky? To be with her. Her. she could have chosen anyone in the world, and she chose to say yes to me.

Teresa: My blush deepens. I can’t look at him. I pull away nudging him slightly. If I end up closer at the same time, well. There’s nothing I can do about that. There’s nothing I can say to that. “You’re a dork. Thank you.”

Noctis: I laugh, giving her hand a squeeze before reaching up to poke her in the side. “Love you,”

[albywritesfiction]

I just wanted to say, because of the latests asks about the pining of the ROs for MC, that I'm very grateful for your decision to make both Ædric and Cyfrin have pre-existing feelings for the MC.

It may seem like such a dumb thing to thank someone for, but so many IF authors seem to have that mindset that they must make everything so that the story doesn't seem to "revolve around the MC" in-universe, meaning few characters will be interested in the MC in any way from start, and more often than not they will have romances with each other / random people if the player doesn't romance them (something I always hate! - I mean, that last part). It's obviously very valid and makes sense and it's a matter of each author's preferences, but as a player it's dishearthening to see very few games cater to MY preferences in that aspect. The fact yours does is a breath of fresh air to me! So yeah, thank you for that!

Also, I'm re-asking something I had asked before because maybe the ask was eaten or you answered on a day I was very busy and I somehow missed it and couldn't find it afterward - if it's as such, could you redirect me to the other ask? I would love to know if - especially on the capital route - we can decide our MC is still in-love with Ædan despite everything? Like, I know he's not a RO since it's not reciprocal anymore! My angle is basically a MC who wouldn't be able to let go desptie the hurt, or something like that. Would be very tragic of course. I'm not planning on going that way anyway, it's mere curiosity. Oh and if you saw the ask but decided not to answer for spoiler reasons or something else, then sorry for resending! I know tumblr eats asks sometimes and that the search function, if needed to be used, is more often than not pretty evil, so I prefer to veer on the side of caution and distrust towards tumblr, and just ask again!

Hi again Konoï and Noir!

Sorry again about how long it took me to answer your last ask 😭 When I got this one I was like, 😨 I'm sorryyyyy it's queued up for tomorrow though you'll see it soon I really need to write and come up with words faster 😭

I'm also really sorry to everyone else who has sent in asks that I haven't answered yet 😭 I'm not used to having to answer more than like 3 essay question exams that are like, "How does osmosis work? Explain in 3 - 5 sentences" and this was way back in high school 😅 Now the only papers I write are research papers and laboratory reports about centrifugation, adsorption, and other similar topics 😭

So yeah, I'm really sorry again for taking such a long time to answer, but I am doing my best to answer all the great asks I've received!

Now, onto your actual ask!

I'll admit, I wasn't expecting to be thanked for the decision I made about Ædric and Cyfrin having pre-existing feelings for MC, but I'm really glad that you like it 😄 Honestly, I just went with what I thought would make sense for our two sweethearts, and it wasn't always planned that both of them would have feelings for MC 😅

Cyfrin was always meant to have been in love with MC since they were kids, but Ædric and MC's relationship was supposed to be that of friendly acquaintances (with Ædric simply admiring MC and nothing more), then he was going to fall for them throughout the first part of the story and then eventually realize his feelings somewhere in the middle. But then I eventually realized that, because I had already previously decided that he and MC had been taking almost all their lessons together, his feelings of admiration would have grown much earlier after spending so much time with MC 😅

So yeah, I'm glad that you liked what I've decided for Ædric and Cyfrin and I hope you enjoy ATE when I release Chapter 1!

[frecklystars]

I had the whole day planned and ifcsnt even do any of it. I wasted so much money and time oprrparing for today and I feel abdolutrly nothing. I haven’t slept any hours nn 2 days my ptsd is so bad I cnsnt relax I can’t eat I can’t function. I was gonna see a movie and customize my dolls and go out to eat and I was going to bake a cake and ihave heart shapedd cookies I made edible paper icing with their photos. I bihgjt flowers I had everything resdyci soent so much money and I don’t feel anything. I’ve been so suicidal the last few days and my panic attacks are so fucking bad and I’ve spent the last year and a half facing the most fucking devastating bullshit being stalkedyou wihkd not believe how bad it has been.wThis was so stupid. I was stupid to think I could feel anything for.a f/o anniversary again.

It’s not just the anniversary it’s everything. I don’t feel anything for tbem j can’t get better. I barely queued anything for my anniversary and they’re my most important f/os I just feel so hopeless. I miss tf so bad. I’m never going to get that back. I don’t feel anything for my f/os this past like 2 or 3 months I’ve felt nothing. My anniversaries used to be such a big deal to me it used to be something I look forward to and stay alive for and then someone ruined self shipping for me someone took away my safety and my comfort and my most special f:/o I ever had anndd I’m triggered.by so many things every single day. It’s so stupid o can’t go one day without flashbacks anymore I have nightmares all the time I’m never ever sleeping enough. it’s so hard every day for over a year now and I’m so tired. Today was suppose to be important and I feel nothing. I wanted to postpone my anniversary to next weekbc I feel so fucking bad but I can’t because I already bought the ingredients for the desserts and they’re going to expire by tomorrow and the icing photos are fading and so I was going to try to bake them today w but it’s coming out ugly and wrong and I was going to go out to eat and see a movie and bring my Barbie and Ken dolls with me but it’s so pointless. I had like 20 things planned I can’t do any of them. I can’t heal. If I feel nothing for my f/os who are supposed to be my mains then I am not capable of healing. I can’t self ship like I used to. I wanted to feel good today and I am at my lowest. I want to die so bad every day this past week my suicidal thoughts have been so loud. I’m so. tired of fighting I can’t keep doing it I’m not strong enough to do this everyday . It is also one year anniversary of the 4 times I tried to kill myself . I’m gonna do it ingknna try one more time and evenif it doesn’t work I’m gonna hope I bleed out before my dad comes home. I know why I failed lastt year and I can get it rihht when I try this just one more tkme . I’m sorry I didn’t write goodbye letters to anybidy

[nuclear-cowboy]

Tagged by @callcenterkilljoy to do 15 questions, 15 mutuals

Were you named after anyone? My first name? No. But my middle name I stole from an actor cause I thought it was cool

When was the last time cried? Like. Earlier today. I will cry tomorrow as well. That's how it goes.

Do you have kids? Absolutely not. Please god no. I am barely a functioning person. Also I'm not old enough for this to be considered

Do you use sarcasm alot? Sometimes? I dunno a normal about? You ask me to hand you something and I will say no while handing it to you. I guess this is sarcasm

What's the first thing you notice about people? I don't know if there is anything in particular I notice? Usually it depends on the person I suppose. I'm also just a pretty unobservent when it comes to people honestly ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

What's your eye colour? Brown. I do have sectoral heterochromia in one of my eyes but it's just a darker brown so it's not really noticeable. It's kinda cool though

Any special talents? I can make bubble sound effects. I can solve a rubix cube. I can bend just the top joint of my pinkie finger. My thumbs bend backwards. Actually useful special talents? no not really lol

Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings usually. But this is mainly just cause I barely watched anything ever so most movies I have watched I watched when I was a kid. But I do love horror as a genre and I have a whole lot of horror movies I want to watch so my answer might change

Where were you born? Aoteroa

What are your hobbies? A lot of drawing, in theory dnd (but I hardly ever play so mostly its just worldbuilding for fun), playing music, I go through phases of various handcrafts

Do you have any pets? I say i have 3 1/2 cats, They're of varying levels of feralness. Gonzo who was a kitten when we found him is basically just a house cat. Spud will occasionally cuddle but is pretty skittish. Lion you can pat sometimes but he's really scared of people, and Nala is basically a complete wild.

What sports do you play/have played? I did ballet for like 7 years growing up. I played one season of football (soccer if you're american). And then on and off muay thai, mma, and wrestling

How tall are you? 5'3

Favourite subject in school? Drama or history probably. I was a chemistry nerd but I dropped it as a subject. It got to much about the maths for me

Dream job? For the most part I don't have one, I do not dream of labor etc etc. But for the sake of the question I'd like to be a tattoo artist. I dunno I just want a job that I can be a functional person and make art and have hobbies and live my silly little life. And I need to be able to make art in some form or else I will simply die so. whatever I can manage

Tagging the mutuals i hope yall dont mind, obviously you don't have to do this, it's chill either way. You all are really cool and tagging this many people makes my anxious. Hope yall are having a good day (｡•̀ᴗ-)♡

@probablyahazard @horsecursed-cowboy @myc0l0gy @cowboycunt @alittleannihilation @draculagerard @bugfag @transaurus @mtmblid @faithdeans @kentuckycaverats @styxnbones @wormtiddies @shadowgast4t @deadmervsociety

[spacemagicandlaserswords]

The Bad Batch Season 2 Finale Reaction Part 2

I don't even know how to start this. Yes, other things happened in the finale episodes but I am not ok and I am still reeling from Tech's death. I haven't been that deeply affected by something in a while. The absolute horror and desperate pleading and crying at my laptop screen at 1am in the morning. It didn't properly hit me until after the episode finished but the genuine, visceral, painful ugly sobbing and crying that happened once the proverbial dam broke was something that hasn't happened in a while.

And it wasn't just that either. I felt physically sick and in pain. Still do. I've been wandering around in a sort of hollow, numb daze ever since, not really sure what to do with myself. Functioning but not really here. It's grief. I'm feeling actual, real, genuine grief. I feel like I've lost someone special that I cared for so much. I've kind of always known that I don't handle grief well and I'm getting better at identifying and dealing with it. This is one of those times where now that I've had a little bit more time I've realised that yes, it's grief.

I'm just – I cannot put into words how devastating that was. And the scene itself was even more completely heartbreaking. As soon as he said he could turn on the power but would have to do it at one of the poles I knew something was up. Instinctively, I just knew but I was desperately hoping and holding onto the idea that they'd have some ridiculous plan where they all got out of it safely.

But no.

Even now as I'm typing this out I'm so viscerally upset and trying not to sob and cry. Throughout that whole scene as things kept going wrong and the situation got worse and worse it all built up to the growing realisation that yup, this was it for Tech. There was a long shot of the rail cars from side on that showed the left rail car bending down and barely hanging on and then there was Tech dangling off the end even further below. I think it was that shot where it hit me that he's not getting out of this.

And then sacrificing himself to save the rest of the Batch.

"When have we ever followed orders".

...

I'm crying again.

I remember watching him in that moment and just desperately pleading and begging and no, you can't do this, no, not like this, not now, there's a way out of this, they can still save him, please, come on you can do this.

And then he makes this perfect shot that goes straight through the last bit of metal that was just barely holding the rail car up, because of course he does.

And then he just fell.

I've got so much more that I want to write about The Bad Batch finale but I didn't think I'd be affected by it this much. Affected doesn't feel like the right word but I can't think of a better one right now. It's all consuming. I'm not sure that I've even processed it yet. How I'm supposed to get through work tomorrow I've no idea. I really should have written more of this initial emotional reaction and thoughts at the time as I've had a while to sit with my emotions by now. There is so, so, so much more that I want to write about it all but at least I've started with this.

Do I actually think Tech is dead? No. Stay tuned for many deluded and in denial theories. Does that lessen the devastation and heart break of what happened and the emotions we're all going through? Also no.

This is going to be with me for sometime and I don't know if I'm ever truly going to be able to get over it or move on but I also don't think that's healthy or realistic. You learn to live with it and are changed by it. It's never going to go back to the way things were or how it used to be. But slowly, you're able to keep going in the new way of things.

But for now, I'm going to sit with it, feel this, and remember it all. And probably cry again.

[frogathy]

it’s frustrating knowing that i knew for two years that my adderal didnt make me feel any different and when i was asked by my mom or my doctor/psych i would always say “i have no idea”, shrug my shoulders, and usually i’d say “i cant tell” or “i have no idea how im supposed to know.” until now i didnt realize just how little it was doing for me. i havent done a single calculus assignment because he only puts the homework on google classroom, and thats just another step for my brain to process and become overwhelmed with. tonight i had so many things to do, but i just didnt do them. i cant function. and the thing is it’s not just things i don’t want to do, like write an annotated bibliography for my thesis or the other assignment that idek what it is—i love calculus, i love the teacher, i want to do the work. i want to do it because i know it will challenge me and prepare my brain to process things faster, and i simply enjoy the subject. i also just need to do it for my own understanding of whats going on. but i cant even check for the homework on google classroom because i get overwhelmed thinking about how i have to get my laptop out and then open GC and then write the assignment down and then open my book and get a paper from my binder and etc. every fiber of my being wants to do the assignment but i cant get off the floor and i am just constantly beating myself up about it because why havent i learned?? surely after nearly three years of knowing about my adhd i would have learned how to overcome that feeling somehow but no i havent

so anyways this post is about how i have a history term sheet due tomorrow that i havent done even though its jsut copying notes i Already took. as well as a quiz on the book we are reading in history except i havent read what was assigned! neither did i do so last week! im doing great and im definitely not fantasizing about dropping out again👍

[moonlayl]

One thing that sucks about being the child of an immigrant, or an immigrant yourself living in the west, is that when catastrophe hits your country, you’re not expeted to be affected.

Which makes sense in a way, because yeah, we’re obviously not the ones suffering and dying rn. 

But there’s a certain aspect of horror, watching your building/family’s building in another country collapse before your eyes on the news.

Knowing your family is dead and getting to see a part of that on screen, but you’re not there so you still have work and school and shit 

Like, idk how to explain it, but I see people’s looks. 

I remember being so heartbroken over what was happening in Palestine that I couldn’t show up to classes two years ago and spent days just watching the news, watching my Palestinian brothers and sisters get killed, and just not being able to function. 

People looked at me weirdly. “yeah it’s awful what’s happening, but YOU’RE safe. it’s not happening to you. You can’t stop YOUR life”

okay, but these are my people too. This is my country too. How am I supposed to just get on with life??

How am I supposed to go to work and help out customers trying out outfits and taking about vacationing in Europe or something, while my mind is on Turkey and Syria?

How am I supposed to go to classes and and write my essays and exams when Im grieving for a loss I can’t even experience properly?

But you can’t really say that can you?

“I have a family emergency” do I? There’s not much I can do from my home when my family is overseas and I’m unable to get to to them.

“there’s been a death in the family” of people I don’t know very well but have glimpses of from back when I was so much younger. Does it count? 

Like I don't know, but I’m going to school tomorrow and sure, ofc course people are horrified by what happened but other Canadians can 100% donate but then get now with their lives. Students will be in the cafeteria laughing, and professors will start lecturing with no mention of what happened that completely shook MY world. 

it’ll feel like an elephant in the room, but I’m the only one aware of its existence. 

Because I’m not there, I’m not expected to be affected as if I am. 

But on the inside it feels like I am. On the inside I want to be there to get to see them before they possibly die. 

I don’t even know anymore

The worst part is that one second I'm completely fine. I can forget because it ISN’T physically happening to me. And then I immediately remember and feel so guilty and it hits me all over again. 

“3000 people dead” and how many are people I knew from before? How many are people my friends here in the west know and love? How many are friends/relatives of my family overseas? How many were children? How many had plans and dreams?

[ghostfishk]

i hate it here. i don’t know if i can handle spending the night with them both anymore. i feel like a nuisance. a third wheel. just something getting in the way.

a spider appeared in my car. i physically cannot move when there’s a spider. i completely freeze up. and if i try to do anything else i will have a full panic attack/meltdown. i. cannot. do. spiders. and she got so pissed at me. i had nothing to smush it. it didn’t go a way that i could hit it out the window. i physically couldn’t do anything. and it made its way over to her side and they also couldn’t do anything. so after a while of absolute silence and tension they finally told me to just go. okay. cool. so what’s the plan with the 2 drink carriers and 2 bags of food? now i was definitely kinda rushed in saying that, and came across pushy and maybe even a little shitty but i just had a really rough shift and there’s a fucking spider in my car that’s supposed to be my only safe space right now, but she got mad at me for asking and i could see once we actually got going that she was texting our other friend, probably ranting about the whole situation which is valid, like it was really wonky but it also makes me feel like shit and i don’t know what to do about it.

they keep correcting me on my own existence. they say i am asleep the whole time. from 1-4 i slept maybe 2 hours if. and when i was out. i was generally out, but most of it was me with my headphones trying not to have a meltdown and just fucking ignoring them because they do not fucking understand that i just don’t care. they might be able to function off of 3 hours of sleep but if i even try, with the shit i do in a day, i will have a meltdown and die. i can barely function on a normal 7-8 hour 12-8am sleep i realistically probably need to sleep 10+ hours with the amount of stuff i do in a shift but if i did i simply wouldn’t have a life.

i talk about how i push all shift, and it feels like she tries to show me up by saying how many racks she pushed. which yes. it sucks how much you had to do but i also did a lot and it doesn’t feel good when i try to rant about work and you IMMIDIATLY hit me with how bad your shift was, or how thats “normal” to you or you’ve had worse. like i love you but genuinely shut the fuck up i cannot handle it much longer.

today was good work wise, productive, not overwhelming as much as it’s been. good people? talked to him quite a bit, starting to build a genuine connection, and humor between the two of us, along with mentioning some things about trans existence. nothing major, just mentioning that i’ve only been going by K- for about a year. he made a joke i should go as a ghost for halloween, and i made a joke that with normal friends would be funny but i don’t know if it actually landed with him.

tomorrow i get to meet kittens when i go play d&d and im so excited. they are what’s keeping me going this week. i’m so excited to leave work early, same time as him. and i’m so excited to go and see cats. and to sleep in my own bed after, and then not work until 3 the day after but it’s also the easy job. i cannot wait until 845pm so i can be over this week and start next week maybe a little bit more normal

hopefully my ipad doesn’t die before i can fall asleep

because i will have a meltdown if i cannot music. they will not be quiet. they’re talking about some comic con ripoff.

9/7/24

[suzukiblu]

Part one of a concept about this concept done for the Haunting Heroes Discord; mostly behind the read-more and to be continued later.

Tucker is having a normal one, by which he means nobody's dead who isn't supposed to be and also he's up to his elbows in ectoplasm-drenched ghost tech trying to keep things that way. Sam is beating off GIW agents with nothing but the Fenton Anti-Creep Stick like the badass she is and looking great doing it, so it's a shame he doesn't really have time to admire the view.

Well, that's what hacking the security cameras later is for, now isn't it.

"You better appreciate this, dude, I have an eight AM class tomorrow," Tucker informs the unconscious guy they're busy trying to save, who for once is not Danny, surprisingly enough. The guy doesn't say anything back, on account of being, you know, unconscious.

Speaking of looking great doing things, "unconscious" really shouldn't look so good on anybody. That seems unfair. And also weird.

This dude possibly is just actually that pretty, though. Tucker was not aware that he was this bisexual, to be honest? Like he was vaguely aware of being bisexual-ish, at least in stressful situations, but this dude was unfairly hot even before the GIW busted down the doors and started starting shit.

So like, learn something new every day, Tucker guesses.

Mostly what he's learning right now, of course, is how to rip apart this bastardized ecto-tech that the GIW really, really does not know how to handle and would abuse the fuck out of if they did.

Obviously, given the presence of the very attractive unconscious guy they've got hooked up to all of said tech and floating in ectoplasm. Tucker would not expect ecto to be so flattering on somebody, but the fact the guy isn't wearing anything besides the machines he's hooked up to is admittedly probably helping with that. Like–just probably.

Or definitely, because Tucker has a lot of work to do here so they don't get their asses kicked and arrested by dubiously-legal allegedly-government agents, and yet is still repeatedly getting distracted by this dude's chiseled abs and strong jaw and pretty, pretty face.

Definitely more bisexual than previously realized, yeah.

Tucker yanks some important wires out of the console he's breaking down, plugs in some new ones, and uploads a very nasty virus or ten into the software. The console's screens all start flashing and a new set of alarms starts screaming.

Well, hopefully that's a good sign.

Like, for them, he means. Not the GIW.

"Could we get some hustle here, maybe?!" Sam yells, swinging the Anti-Creep Stick into an agent's unprotected gut.

"Don't rush my art with sports metaphors!" Tucker says indignantly.

"Don't insult me by claiming I'm using sports metaphors!" Sam snaps back. The next GIW agent she hits does not get back up. Tucker decides not to sass her any more right now.

Or at least not too much more, anyway. Because, like, he's not made of stone or anything here.

Also, that was in fact a sports metaphor.

"No appreciation, geez," he grumbles as she charges out into the hall, Creep Stick a-swingin', then starts digging into the software with his PDA. The current goal is getting Unconscious But Pretty About It awake and out of the giant glass tube of freaky ecto-soup he's currently contained in. Tucker is pretty sure that's not doing anything good to the guy, considering. Ectoplasm is just not meant to function as a spa treatment.

A thing about the GIW is most of the agents can't actually see ghosts, because actually seeing ghosts is an acquired skill. Actually, none of them can, as far as Tucker knows. Their tech sure can, though. There's a reason they all wear those incredibly unfashionable glasses all the time.

So like, that's useful, because tech? Tech is something Tucker can lie to.

Anyway, that's why the agents have all been dodging ghosts that aren't actually there while Sam Creep-Sticks as many of them as possible, and also why the two of them, who actually can see ghosts thanks to being on deck for Danny's half-death, didn't get immediately overwhelmed by superior numbers. The GIW guys are not currently aware of their superior numbers, which is all that matters. Perception does a lot, including buy a guy time to break another guy out of the weird ecto-tube he's being aggressively marinated in, for whatever reason the GIW would be aggressively marinating a guy.

Tucker has theories. They're not great theories.

Like, at all.

He finds some stuff that looks useful, in the sense that he finds some stuff about sedative doses and the machine that's currently supplying said doses to Tall Pale And Sexy, and he cracks into the program running it. It takes very little effort to start its power-down procedure, and even less to start draining the freaky ectoplasm bath. Tucker doesn't know what these specific sedatives actually are, but the dosage seems weirdly high, considering? Not that Tucker actually knows much about putting anyone under sedation or anything, just those are some very high numbers.

So that's weird, yeah.

The ecto-tube drains. The guy sinks down with the lowering ectoplasm, ending up crumpled in a heap at the bottom of it, leaned half-against the glass. He doesn't move or stir, but Tucker can see him breathing, so at least he isn't dead. Which isn't necessarily the same thing as being ended, Tucker is very intimately aware, but is still probably a good sign.

He really is pretty, Tucker observes distractedly, and then the guy's eyes snap open and Tucker gets a glimpse of absolutely electric blue before the whole tube explodes, splattering glass and ectoplasm everywhere.

"Agh," Tucker says from where he threw himself down behind the console. Well, that was terrifying.

Also weird. What the hell made that happen?

"You good, dude?" he calls, hoping to high heck that the glass all exploded outwards. Whatever did it, Ecto-Bath Hottie definitely did not have a convenient console to take cover behind.

"Nrgh?" the guy grunts, which at least implies he's not dead, so Tucker will take it. He peers out from behind the console and finds Walking Bisexual Crisis Trigger standing in the middle of a puddle of ectoplasm and broken glass, attempting to detangle himself from the mess of machines. Tucker figures he should probably help, there's a lot of them and–

Looks Good In Green Ooze yanks the intubation tube out of his throat one-handed and all the other machines he's hooked up to just fall apart and fall off him all at once.

. . . okay, convenient. And a weird design choice on the GIW's part, but Tucker isn't gonna complain about the weird thing being a thing going right for once. Usually the weird things are harbingers of the apocalypse or signs of dubiously-ethical ghost hunters or the Box Ghost, not just minor conveniences.

Also, they usually involve way less eye candy, because the GIW did not provide Ecto-Dipped Sexypants any actual, like . . . pants-pants.

That's unfortunate for him. Less unfortunate for Tucker, but he's gonna try and be polite about his oogling. Like, he'll minimize it until they get out of the freaky government-funded anti-ghost lab, if nothing else.

Mostly minimize it, Tucker amends as Bottled Hottie flexes off the last of the machines clinging to him and several of them break. Break badly.

Oh boy, Tucker thinks feelingly. It's Christmas for his bi awakening, apparently.

"Watch out for the glass," he advises, pointing down at it. The physical manifestation of his bi awakening blinks blurrily at him, then looks down at the shattered glass strewn all across the floor at his feet.

Then his feet float up off the floor.

. . . okay, again.

Eh, whatever, Tucker's seen weirder. Like, way weirder, in fact.

"Who the hell are you?" the dreamiest ecto-science experiment Tucker has ever seen demands, clenching his fists as he squares up aggressively. It does some things for his shoulders. And his face. And his . . . everything, basically.

Unf.

"I'm the guy who just broke you out of the giant glowy test tube and isn't gonna say his legal name in a shady government lab," Tucker replies matter-of-factly, ripping out the wires connecting his PDA to the glass-covered console and winding them up in case he's gonna need them again. "Hey, on that note, we should totally run. Or fly, I guess, I'm not telling you how to live your life. Assuming you're alive, I mean, also not gonna make any assumptions there."

Running is best, he figures. Sam'll catch up. Actually, probably they're the ones who need to catch up to her.

"Who said I wasn't alive?" the guy asks, looking briefly skeeved-out. Tucker shrugs.

"I don't judge, man, I just work with what we've got," he says. "If you're dead it'll just be easier to get you out and harder to keep you out, that's kinda how this goes. Hey, how good are you at flying? Or is this more a basic levitation thing?"

"I can fly," the guy says.

"Nice," Tucker says, then holds his hands up. "In that case, can I get a ride?"

What, like he's gonna turn down the chance to get carried by a dude who looks like this one? Not freaking likely.

"Where are we?" Experiment McSexy asks as he looks around the lab with a suspicious frown, though he does, in fact, scoop Tucker up bridal-style, so Tucker's gonna count this one as a win. "This doesn't look like Cadmus."

"Oh, that is such a long story," Tucker says, shamelessly looping his arms around the guy's neck and wondering what the heck a "Cadmus" is. "Waaaaay too long to explain here. We should just go get coffee about it after this, actually, that'd be easiest."

". . . coffee, huh," Handsome McHandsomeface says, the corner of his mouth ticking up into a smirk as he gives Tucker an undeservedly appreciative once-over. Not that Tucker is gonna argue with that appreciation, obviously.

And he's definitely gonna count this one as a win.

DP X DC

Of which ghosts are all of similar strain: normal ppl can't see them unless in specific circumstances OR having been exposed to specific situations (ex. Death and Resurrection, Lazarus Pit, having a portal to afterlife in one building in your small town, etc).

Or

Ppl outside Amity Park literally couldn't see what's happening in Amity Park. Somehow there's this one kid that keeps on disappearing, people floating for absolutely no reason (they're not even meta??) (It might be some ghost picking up a person to the Amity Parker's, no biggie), just who are these ppl talking to/about??

Amity Park isn't the most haunted city in US. It's the weirdest.

[missindependentdiaries]

I am romanticizing loneliness, and this will bring me to the depth of darkness until the brink of madness. I know. But I cannot help it, I love that I feel so much, something. It's beautiful, really, rather than nothing. I do not want to be ignorant to sadness.

However, the shame in being lonely despite my supposedly okay circumstances is the only thing that keeps me from falling completely.

I am mad, at many things in life. So many reasons to be mad, but I do not know much reaaon for me be lonely. Life mocks me, I do not have reasons to be depressed yet it does not give me reasons to be happy: to live.

Things, people, experience that used to make me happy and grateful to live do not feel like anything anymore. I feel gray, empty and stagnant. Things that I laugh at, smile at, are now not enough to anchor me to the living anymore.

Nothing else moves me. Only loneliness could, and yet it could only me inch by inch. Small steps and towards the realm of darkness. It carries me further and further away from breathing. Slowly, I am unlearning how to to function with these lungs and these chambers in my chest being weighed down.

Really, nothing to die for and yet nothing to live for, what is this purgatory? Crawling through daily just to find scraps to feed on and smile for mere seconds until make it through the day, until I have to sleep. I have nothing and yet I'm supposed to have everything I need. I have no one and yet I feel burdened by everyone around me.

I want to understand you dear in the mirror, but I 'm falling deeper. Yet frankly, I think it is time to fall into you. Should I stay, not for the shame anymore, instead for the hope that one day I'll understand and learn to breathe again? Until when should I wait? How many more tomorrows can I crawl through? How long more could I?

[m4lexxx67]

Having a crisis rn about moving out. Like... I shouldn't moving out yet, I so not feel ready for that, what the fuck??? I don't know what the fuck's gonna happen or how the hell I'm supposed to function on my fucking own!!

And most importantly, I'm gonna have to leave my old room. Like, I've been lucky enough that my room has always been a safe space for me to the extent where the first thing I'd miss when going on vacation was my room. Every damn time I wouldn't be in my room for several nights in a row, I would think "just this many nights more and then I'm in my own bed again". Which doesn't mean I never enjoyed my vacation or anything just... if you asked me what 'home' meant to me, it would have been the room I've been living in for the past twelve years. And I do plan on coming home on weekends but a lot of the stuff that used to be in my room won't be there anymore because it's going to be in my new place and hopefully make that feel like home too but there's no guarantee for that and, yeah, I might have some kind of problem with change but just because I know I do doesn't make it any easier and I also hate endings and this is essentially what this feels like even tho it might not technically be true but it just feels like so many last times...

Don't get me wrong, there's definitely things I'm looking forward to, but rn it's just fucking scary. I'm going to be packing up the most important stuff today and bring them over tomorrow and... idk it's just really hard and I am so, so incredibly glad that a friend of mine is going to be my roommate and that there's a "part of my old life" still with me that can give me some stability yk? And that's one friend that I know for sure I won't be losing touch with bc I know I'm really bad at keeping in touch with people and texting them for no reason but I don't know how to do better (although I did text my childhood best friend recently and I'm really proud if myself for that. At least I'm trying yk). And I'm especially afraid of losing my best friend. I mean I know we won't lose touch, at least not any time soon, bc we text each other the most random stuff. But things will probably still change and I don't know how they will change and... yeah, again, it's scary.

But we have DnD and therefore a reason to keep in contact and still meet up with some kind of reason and maybe extra motivation or something to actually make time for it yk? It's probably going to be okay it's just really hard to actually see and understand that rn. Like, I'm sitting on the couch in our living room and I'm feeling fucking homesick for the house I'm still in. The first few weeks of moving out will be so hard, jesus fuck. But I'm feeling better already from writing all of this down so at least there's that I guess

[nictuniema123445]

This is going to be long because that man destroyed my soul one little letter at a time.

“The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.”

“I am glad you are here with me. Here at the end of all things, Sam.”

“There is nothing like looking, if you want to find something. You certainly usually find something, if you look, but it is not always quite the something you were after.”

“For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach.”

“have claimed that Escape is one of the main functions of fairy-stories, and since I do not disapprove of them, it is plain that I do not accept the tone of scorn or pity with which 'Escape' is now so often used. Why should a man be scorned if, finding himself in prison, he tries to get out and go home? Or if he cannot do so, he thinks and talks about other topics than jailers and prison-walls?”

“But I have been too deeply hurt, Sam. I tried to save the Shire, and it has been saved, but not for me. It must often be so, Sam, when things are in danger: some one has to give them up, lose them, so that others may keep them.”

“Go back?" he thought. "No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!" So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter.”

“Some who have read the book, or at any rate have reviewed it, have found it boring, absurd, or contemptible, and I have no cause to complain, since I have similar opinions of their works, or of the kinds of writing that they evidently prefer.”

“Yes, I am here. And you are lucky to be here too after all the absurd things you've done since you left home.”

“And the ship went out into the High Sea and passed into the West, until at last on a night of rain Frodo smelled a sweet fragrance on the air and heard the sound of singing that came over the water. And then it seemed to him that as in his dream in the house of Bombadil, the grey rain-curtain turned all to silver glass and was rolled back, and he beheld white shores and beyond them a far green country under a swift sunrise.”

“Don't adventures ever have an end? I suppose not. Someone else always has to carry on on the story.”

“We shouldn't be here at all, if we'd known more about it before we started. But I suppose it's often that way. The brave things in the old tales and songs, Mr. Frodo: adventures, as I used to call them. I used to think that they were things the wonderful folk of the stories went out and looked for, because they wanted them, because they were exciting and life was a bit dull, a kind of a sport, as you might say. But that's not the way of it with the tales that really mattered, or the ones that stay in the mind. Folk seem to have been just landed in them, usually — their paths were laid that way, as you put it. But I expect they had lots of chances, like us, of turning back, only they didn't. And if they had, we shouldn't know, because they'd have been forgotten. We hear about those as just went on — and not all to a good end, mind you; at least not to what folk inside a story and not outside it call a good end. You know, coming home, and finding things all right, though not quite the same — like old Mr Bilbo. But those aren't always the best tales to hear, though they may be the best tales to get landed in! I wonder what sort of a tale we've fallen into?”

“have found that it is the small everyday deed of ordinary folks that keep the darkness at bay. Small acts of kindness and love.”

“The whole thing is quite hopeless, so it's no good worrying about tomorrow. It probably won't come.”

“How do you move on? You move on when your heart finally understands that there is no turning back.”

“I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.

"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

“I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.”

“If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.”

“It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.”

“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”

I want to know what Tolkien line hits you hard every time. Where you are just left stunned. It can be from the books, movies, a scrap of paper the Professor wrote on once, whatever. Share your impactful line!

[zxvtrpnljhfdb]

I fucked up BIG

I had my usual rant all prepared for the afternoon when I fatfingered it. I hadn't blocked my ex on my main account so that they could communicate with me about their dog, who's staying in the apartment while they're out on their....... whatever staycation.

The detective was supposed to be by tomorrow, but they were able to come out after I got off work. So they served my ex with the warrant for the computer, but I don't think they were necessarily able to get a warrant for the hard-drive, which my ex took with fOr SoMe MySteRiOuS rEaSOn.

Anyway, just before they came through, my ex had stopped by to get the dog. They forgot their keys??? I've never seen them forget their keys. I just gave them the leash, dog attached, and the dog did the rest.

Finally, about an hour ago, their new plaything brought the dog back. She is seriously sick. I hope it's not contagious.

Anyway, so my dumb ass was all crowing about how amazing my life has become--I have a stable employer, I've had a really stable living condition. I don't think my partner necessarily meant to give me that self-esteem boost, but I deserve it. We have had money to pay rent every single month. And in large part, I owe that to myself. Now, there were a few months where she did carry us herself. She does deserve that little credit. Those few months were awesome. This place was so fucking clean. There were even a few months where we both worked. Not at all sure where the fuck all that money went to.

I was also stupidly, stupidly crowing about how the fertility situation was actually good, I'm just concerned that the sperm was bunk.

Then, like I mentioned, I mentioned the cops coming to literally solve our dispute over the computer. It was mostly coincidence that she was apparently coming back, keys in hand, to supposedly return the dog, and she ran into the cops.

I put all my fucking cards out there in this stupid blog post. I can't fucking believe she got it open or up so fucking quick. All I can fucking hope is she navigated away from it before she could record it. But that's a slim hope.

I have been so fucking sleep deprived this week. I'm really happy between the depression and my hormones, things are going better for me physically, because otherwise these last few weeks, I'm not sure how I would have been able to handle things. In the about hour between the time they called to say they were on their way, and the time they arrived, I actually passed the fuck out and I was so fucking groggy when they got here.

The camera gal took pictures of e v e r y t h i n g. And I am not even remotely proud of how this place looks, it is abso-fuckin-lutely trashed. It is so embarrassing. It's still gonna be a dump when I'm fully out.

I filed a TRO. Between this and the CSAM issue..........I see soooooooooo many hours in court in my future.........

That my ex finally blocked me is of truly cold comfort. It is not that hard to make up new accounts to keep an eye on people. Even if I cut and dyed my hair and posted a whole entire thing about a negative pregnancy test, I've shown that I can apparently lie pretty goddamn well when I feel unsafe. Or, sorry, apparently, according to my ex, I don't feel unsafe. I'm making it up for attention.

False, but, potayto potahto, right? I have plenty of reasons to feel unsafe around my ex. I'm no longer of any value to them with someone more malleable and with more money around. They've pointed a gun at me so many times, but like hahaha like funny don't be so serious take a joke. Her first response when ending it was to clear out the bank account of my money. Money that I earned. Money that was supposed to go to rent and utilities for the person who earned it. Instead, she high-rolled her fucking vacation with it. But oh, I guess she really needed it more than I do.

So yeah, this high likelihood of pregnancy could turn out to just be really good evidence that the engines just need some actually functional sperm and she still wouldn't believe me. I wouldn't be safe.

So I at least need a restraining order.

Anyway, I need sleep. With this level of stress, I probably am going to have to try again later. With all the fucking harassing and lying and bullying, I wouldn't be surprised if it did get fertilized but my uterus was just like, nope! My eyes are struggling to focus so I'm out

[sluttywonwoo]

something more || h.js x reader

Summary: it’s a tale as old as time- your roommate walks in on you masturbating and things escalate from there

Warnings: swearing, smut (18+) additional warnings under the cut

Word Count: 4.5k

A/N: originally posted on my tom holland fic account ( @wazzupmrstark )

Masterlist

additional warnings: additional warnings: masturbation, unprotected sex, choking, degradation, lowkey spit play

“Joshua! Come look at this!”

There were a lot of things you liked about your apartment. Cheap rent, nice views, mostly functioning air conditioning… however the gaping hole in your bedroom ceiling was not one of them. It had started out as a small leak a couple of weeks ago, water dripping from some imperceptible hole in the plaster that had slowly turned into a trickle and then a steady stream, until finally the ceiling had collapsed in on itself, unable to hold the weight of all of the water any longer. You had filed a maintenance request when you first noticed the leak, but it had gone ignored. Maybe now, now that your bed was covered in drywall and pipe water, now that you could see into the apartment above yours, your concerns would be important enough to be addressed.

“What is it?” your roommate called back.

You heard him approach and waited for the gasp that would follow. “Y/n…” he hissed, one hand over his mouth, the other gripping your shoulder in shock.

“I know.”

“Holy shit.”

“I know.”

“What do we do?”

“I don’t know.”

You sighed and took a tentative step forward into your room, wincing when your sock made contact with your damp rug.

“I’ll call maintenance,” Joshua offered and turned on his heel to grab his phone.

“I’ll… try and figure my shit out, I guess.”

His footsteps faded into the background as he retreated into his own room and you looked around your room with a frown, surveying the space for anything salvageable. You were surprised you hadn’t started crying yet. But apparently your brain hadn’t quite caught up with your eyes because all you felt was a numb sort of apathy as you gazed at the mess in front of you.

There was no way you could sleep in your room tonight. Even if you managed to dry everything and clear the debris, there was still a giant fucking hole in the ceiling. The mere thought of trying to fall asleep underneath it made you uneasy. You would have to crash somewhere else.

“They said not to touch anything-” Joshua shouted from the other room. You froze in place, afraid you’d already done something you weren’t supposed to and decided to join him in the kitchen instead.

Your socks left wet footprints against the concrete floor as you padded over to where Joshua was. He shot you a look of sympathy as you peeled them off and tossed them to the side, shifting his attention back to the notepad on the table in front of him to write something the person on the other end of the phone was saying.

The pen hovered above the paper momentarily, and Joshua rolled his eyes with an exasperated sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Tomorrow? Is that the earliest- yeah that’s fine.”

The little hope you’d had that the issue would be resolved tonight fizzled, and you blew out a breath of frustration. You pulled out your phone and began scrolling through your contacts, mentally making notes of who might let you spend the night at their place.

Joshua thanked whoever he was talking to and hung up, pushing the notebook away from him with a groan.

“They’ll be here tomorrow morning,” he said, giving you an apologetic look. “What are you doing?”

“Texting Seungcheol.”

Joshua made a face. “Seung- why?”

“I’m going to ask if I can sleep over.”

“You haven’t talked to him in months,” your roommate protested.

“He’ll say yes to me,” you assured him.

“That’s because he expects you to sleep with him.”

“I know.”

“Y/n! You’re not seriously going to have sex with him in exchange for a place to stay, are you?”

“Well when you put it like that…” you trailed off and sighed. “Whatever, I’m not above it. It’s been a while since I’ve been laid anyway.”

“Seungcheol couldn’t even last thirty seconds-” he paused when you gave him a look, “I know from what you’ve told me. Not because I slept with him.”

“You know saying that makes it sound like that’s exactly why you know.”

“Please, y/n, I have taste,” he said matter-of-factly, easily dodging a swat from you. “You’re not sleeping at Seungcheol’s,” he said as if he’d decided, as if he had final say on the matter.

“Well, what am I supposed to do, Joshua?” you demanded. “I can’t sleep in my own room, and you know I can’t sleep on the couch so what do you suggest?”

“Take my room,” he offered simply, shrugging like it should have been obvious.

“What?”

“You can have my bed and I’ll sleep on the couch. You don’t even have to fuck me for it.”

You rolled your eyes. “Well what do I have to do for it?”

You could tell Joshua wanted to say ‘nothing’, but knew you wouldn’t accept his offer without feeling like you could give him anything in return so he settled for “fried rice”.

“You want fried rice?”

“I want your fried rice,” he clarified with a grin. “You know it’s my favorite.”

“That’s it?”

“That’s it.”

“Okay,” you agreed. “Fine. Thank you, Joshua.”

He gave you a knowing smile and nodded. “Don’t mention it.”

-

Joshua kept his room colder than yours. Your wet hair from the shower only made the chill worse, but you didn’t want to mess with the thermostat and throw off how he liked things. You were even hesitant to touch the pillows on his bed. You knew Joshua wouldn’t care, but you still wanted to respect his space.

Joshua was literally the most easygoing person you knew, which offered a nice balance in contrast to your high-strung, perfectionist personality. One time you’d bled on his sheets while you were just hanging out in his room and he was completely unphased. He just threw the bedding in the wash like nothing had happened and mentioned that he’d been needing to wash them anyway while you practically cried in embarrassment.

“It’s okay, y/n. I’ve had girlfriends before.”

“Yeah, but I’m not your girlfriend!”

“We live together, close enough.”

To be fair, you knew that this kind of thing happened all the time, but you were still mortified. You didn’t even pay attention to the rest of the movie you and Joshua had been watching. To this day you didn’t know how the Lego Batman Movie ended.

“You need something to sleep in?” Joshua had asked on your way from the bathroom back to his room, having noted your state of undress.

It wasn’t uncommon for you to make the trips to and from the shower in nothing more than a towel, but he knew you wouldn’t be able to go back into your room tonight, and that most of your clothes were still damp from the ceiling anyway.

“Yeah, that’d be great.”

He just nodded from where he was on the couch and gestured past you in the direction of his door. “You know where everything is. Pick out whatever.”

“Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.”

You’d chosen an old t-shirt from a gas station souvenir shop, one of many in his collection of road-trip tees and a pair of panties you had managed to snag from your dresser before Joshua had yelled at you to get out of your room earlier.

You hung your towel on a hook attached to the back of his closet door and sprawled out on his bed, pulling the comforter around yourself.

It was late. It had been late for a while, but you and Joshua were night owls. You both kept busy schedules, so at night you liked to take some time for yourselves before bed. Still though, you knew you should sleep. But you couldn’t.

You squeezed your eyes shut and tried to relax your muscles.

If you were being honest, the idea of getting laid had been exciting and you were a bit disappointed it wasn’t going to happen for you tonight. It had been a while since you’d been with anyone, and you were craving the intimacy, even if it was coming from someone like Dylan.

Your skin was beginning to feel hot and sticky, and you pushed the covers off of you in your frustration. You had just been cold a few moments ago, and all it had taken to make you sweat was the mere thought of sex. It was pathetic, you were pathetic, and you knew it.

Your fingers inched toward the waistband of your panties almost unconsciously before you stopped yourself. You were in Joshua’s bed. You shouldn’t be getting yourself off in his bed. That was wrong. It wasn’t your room, there must be some sort of boundary for this sort of thing. Roommate code. What if Joshua walked in on you- no. You clenched your fists by your sides and sighed. The idea of your roommate walking in on you with your hand down your pants should not be turning you on. It should be having the opposite effect. But you couldn’t help it.

You had managed to suppress your attraction to him for this long, being in his bed shouldn’t be the breaking point. Maybe it was because his sheets smelled like him, or maybe it was because you were wearing his shirt…fuck, you wished you had your vibrator. The little pink toy was sitting in the drawer of your bedside table, likely water damaged beyond repair. God, hadn’t you lost enough?

“Forgive me, Shua,” you whispered hoarsely into the empty room as you resigned yourself to your pleasure.

Your pussy had won over your head and you’d given into your desire. Familiar sparks of arousal flickered faintly in your stomach when you brushed the tips of your fingers over your panties. You weren’t shocked to discover that the material was already damp from where your wetness had seeped through.

You tried to think about Seungcheol, about your celebrity crushes, about anyone other than the person behind the other side of the door, but your mind kept drifting back to your roommate. You thought about what Joshua’s fingers would feel like instead of your own. They were so much longer than yours… you stifled a moan as you curled a finger into yourself and let your thumb begin to circle your clit, imagining Joshua’s head was buried in between your thighs instead.

Getting yourself to the edge was usually difficult for you without the help of toys or a third party, but you surprised yourself when your thighs began to tense in anticipation as you worked your fingers over your g-spot repeatedly, orgasm just out of reach. You were trying to be as quiet as possible, but you kept letting quiet sighs and curses slip from between your lips as your focus began to blur.

You pictured Joshua pushing himself into you, pictured how his face would scrunch up in pleasure as he felt you clench around his cock for the first time, how he’d kiss your neck and praise you for taking him so well- you bit down on your knuckles to stop yourself from screaming.

The invisible string inside of you snapped right as the door to Joshua’s room swung open and you were forced to rip your hand away from yourself as you came and your pussy clenched around nothing.

The light overhead flicked on and you squinted, groaning at the sudden blinding intrusion.

“Sorry,” Joshua apologized sheepishly. “I just forgot a pillow.”

You used your dry hand, the knuckle-bitten one, to throw him one of the pillows from behind you. He caught it with ease and you thought that would be it, but he zeroed in on your hand, narrowing his eyes at it with a confused expression on his face.

You hoped he couldn’t tell that you were still trembling from the aftershocks of your ruined orgasm, hoped he didn’t question why you were so flushed and breathless.

“What happened to your hand?” he asked, tossing the pillow aside and taking your hand into his own to observe. “You’re bleeding.”

Damn, you hadn’t meant to bite your hand that hard.

“It’s nothing,” you said and tried to yank your hand out of his grasp, but he was holding onto you too tightly.

“I have some Band-Aids in the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

“Shua you don’t have to-”

He was gone before you could finish your sentence, and back before you could protest any further. While he was in the bathroom you hurriedly wiped your other hand on your- his- shirt in an attempt to erase any evidence of what you had been doing just moments before he had interrupted.

“Give me your hand,” Joshua instructed, taking a seat on the bed so that he was facing you.

You outstretched your arm so that he could see the damage and watched as he dabbed a tissue at the specks of blood on your skin, applying pressure to stop the flow.

“It’s just a little scrape,” you insisted.

“Still, we don’t want it to get infected.”

“I guess,” you mumbled.

Once he was sure that you had stopped bleeding he dabbed a tiny bit of Neosporin onto your knuckle and wrapped a Spider-Man Band-Aid around your finger.

“Thank you.”

“Wait, I’m not done!”

“What do you mean?”

“I have to kiss it better.”

You rolled your eyes but gave in, lifting your hand to his face princess style. He pressed a gentle kiss to the Spider-Man Band-Aid and took a moment to admire his work. It was only when he was holding your hand closer that he noticed the indents in all of your other knuckles.

“Why were you biting your hand?” he asked, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

There was no use in lying about it, the marks on your hand were clearly teeth marks. He would know you were bullshitting if you tried to play it off.

“I wasn’t.”

So much for that.

Joshua blinked. “Show me your other hand.”

“What? No.”

“Show me.”

“No!”

You grabbed the comforter and pulled it tighter to you while Joshua tried to wrestle it from your grasp.

“I swear to God, y/n,” he muttered under his breath.

You put up a good fight, but he was stronger than you and tugged it off of you within seconds of struggling. He pushed you back onto the bed and used his body to pin you to the mattress so that you couldn’t wriggle away. Now that you were stuck underneath him he was able to assess the hand that you had been trying to hide. You whimpered in embarrassment and watched in horror as he brought the hand… brought the hand to his…

“Joshua, what are you doing?” you breathed out.

He looked at you brazenly and then put two of your fingers in his mouth. You shivered as he sucked the arousal, the evidence, from your fingers to confirm his suspicion.

“You’re a liar,” he said finally.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you stammered.

Joshua chuckled to himself and let your hand fall back to your side. “And a brat too.” You scoffed in offense but Joshua just leaned down to kiss your forehead sweetly. “I already knew that, though.”

“Excuse you, but I am fucking delightful!” you argued.

“I never said you weren’t!”

“You just called me a brat!”

“Two things can be true at the same time.”

“I hate you.”

“So you… don’t want me to… give you a hand there?” he asked.

You paused. Was he really offering to-

“We’re friends, Joshua. You don’t have to do that.”

“I know. I want to.”

You could feel your heart beating in your throat and in your pussy. Joshua was your best friend and your roommate… but was there something more? Right now you wanted him more than you had ever wanted anyone. This couldn’t end well.

“Joshua?”

“Yeah?”

“Kiss me.”

Joshua was back on top of you as soon as the words left your mouth, pressing his lips to yours while one of his hands tangled itself in your hair. You could taste yourself on his tongue and moaned softly into his mouth. You found yourself wishing the moment could last forever, but you quickly changed your mind when you felt Joshua pressing his thigh up in between your legs. Lazily making out was nothing compared to what he was doing now. He brought a hand to your hip and urged you to move. He guided you until you were rocking back and forth on his thigh at a steady pace.

“Feel good?” he asked.

You could only nod, not trusting yourself to speak. Your panties were the only layer between your pussy and Joshua’s leg, and although they were certainly ruined by now they still provided the means to create friction that went straight to your clit.

Joshua’s hands fiddled with the hem of the t-shirt you were wearing and he tugged at the bottom of it, motioning for it to come off.

“Is this okay?” he asked.

Another nod from you and he was whisking the shirt off over your head without a second’s hesitation. He was pulling his own shirt off next, tossing it into a pile on the floor with yours. His fingers found the waistband of your panties soon after, and he played with the elastic impatiently, eager eyes searching yours for approval. You lifted your hips off of the bed so that he could take them off, leaving you completely naked before him.

Joshua let his gaze travel down your body, shamelessly admiring every dimple, curve, and freckle that was now exposed to him. You shifted under him self-consciously, silently wishing you had shaved. If you had known you’d be fucking your best friend, you would have, but it was too late now and you could only hope he wasn’t bothered by a little hair.

“How are you real,” he murmured to himself, earning an eye roll from you. Joshua reached out and dragged a finger through your folds, smiling when you flinched. “So sensitive…” he noted. “Did you cum already?”

“Yes, but it was ruined,” you admitted.

“Poor thing,” he tsked in fake sympathy, bringing his hand back up to his mouth. “Just wanna nother taste. You’re too sweet to resist.”

“Shua,” you whined.

“What is it, baby?”

“I need you.”

He smiled down at you and took you by the chin, tilting your face up towards him. “You already have me.”

“You know what I mean!”

“But I want to hear you say it.”

You groaned stubbornly and twisted your head out of his grip, only to let out a yelp when he closed a hand around your throat.

“Stop being a brat,” Joshua spat as he forced you to look at him again. “I’ll give you one more chance to be a good girl, got it? Good girls use their words to tell me what they want. Do you understand?”

“Yes,” you choked out desperately.

“Are you going to be a good girl?”

“I’ll be a good girl.”

“So what is it that you need, love?”

You swallowed your pride and opened your mouth to respond. “Your cock, please.”

“Sorry, what was that?” Joshua asked, cupping a hand around his ear as if he couldn’t hear you.

“I want- I need your cock, please.”

���Atta girl,” he praised and eased the grip around your neck. “Was that so hard?”

You shook your head weakly and watched as Joshua pushed his boxers down to his thighs, then onto the floor, letting his cock bounce up against his stomach. He was fully hard already and you wondered how long he’d been like that, wondered how he had so much self-control when you barely had any.

“We can stop whenever you want, okay?” Joshua said, face softening and hand gently cupping your cheek. “Let me know if it’s too much. Just tell me what you need, baby.” You nodded obediently and met him halfway as he leaned down to kiss you. He broke away from the kiss suddenly and held a hand underneath your mouth. “Spit,” he ordered.

You complied and sat up a little to spit into his hand. He worked that same hand over his cock a few times, using your spit to lubricate it before positioning himself over you.

“Is this a good idea?” you blurted right as Joshua was about to push himself into you, suddenly aware that you wouldn’t be able to go back from this as soon as he did.

You had shoved any feelings you’d had for Joshua down for so long and it would be impossible to keep doing after sleeping with him. But you had already come this far.

“Probably not,” Joshua answered with a shrug. “Do you want to stop?”

“No. Do you?”

“No.”

“Okay, cool.”

“Great.”

A brief moment of silence lapsed while you both stared into each others’ eyes, not quite sure where to go from there.

“I’m gonna fuck you now,” Joshua said casually after thirty more seconds of silence.

“Yes, please do.”

You braced yourself for the stretch as Joshua pushed into you at an agonizing pace and sank your teeth into his shoulder to relieve some of the pressure. Joshua groaned at the feeling of you pulsing around his cock, a feeling which was only heightened by you nipping at his skin.

“Fuck, you’re so tight.”

“You’re… so big,” you echoed back.

He allowed you a few moments to adjust before he moved. You were already so worked up that he slid in and out of you easily and it wasn’t long before he was pounding into you at a fast tempo. He pressed hurried kisses to your jaw and neck, leaving a trail of hickies to remember him by.

You cried out each time his cock hit your g-spot, overwhelmed and still sensitive. Joshua kissed you to drown out your moans, clamping a hand over your mouth in his stead whenever he came up for air. His other hand was up against the wall for stability, though it wasn’t helping much.

“Joshua,” you gasped.

“Yeah, baby?”

“Can you choke me again, please?” you all but begged.

Joshua smirked. “Of course.”

He did as you asked and cursed when you wrapped your legs around his waist and pulled him in closer.

“See what happens when you’re a good girl and ask nicely?” he teased, cocking his jaw arrogantly. “You get rewarded.”

You could feel your orgasm building in your abdomen as Joshua continued to thrust into you and wondered if he was close too. You guessed that he was from the way his hips had began to falter.

“Up,” Joshua commanded suddenly.

He slipped out of you and grabbed you by the shoulders, hauling you into a sitting position.

“On your hands and knees,”

“And if I don’t?” you challenged.

“You don’t want to find out.”

“Are you sure?”

“Should I finish myself off, then?” he asked, pumping his cock lazily as if he expected you to call his bluff. “Leave you here needy, not let you cum?”

“No, please!”

You quickly got into position on all fours with your back to Joshua praying that he wouldn’t make good on his threat.

“That’s what I thought,” he said. You could hear the smile in his voice.

You fell forward on your face when he shoved his cock back into you only for him to tug you upright by your hair. He fucked you like that in doggy for a minute or so before he snaked an arm around your upper body and pulled you flush against his chest. Being seated on his lap allowed Joshua the ability to touch practically anywhere on your body. He took advantage of the new position by grabbing your tits.

He was so fucking deep in you like this you couldn’t stand it. Every tiny movement brought you closer to the edge and you weren’t sure how much longer you could last.

“Shua, I’m close,” you warned through broken gasps.

“Don’t cum yet.”

“Why not,” you whined.

“You’re not allowed to cum until you answer this question for me,” he said breathlessly.

“What is it?”

“When you were touching yourself earlier, who were you thinking about?”

“I-”

“Was it Seungcheol?”

“No.”

Joshua’s fingers found your clit and began rubbing circles around it, making it that much harder not to disobey him.

“Fuck, Joshua…”

“Who was it?”

“It was you! I was thinking about you!”

“Do you always think about me?” he pressed.

“You only said one question,” you accused defensively.

Interrogating you while he had you on the brink of orgasm was not fair.

“Fine, cum.”

You cried his name as you finally came. He held you through it, your orgasm triggering his own as you clenched around him repeatedly. Your name tumbled from his lips too, while he lost himself in the midst of pleasure. You couldn’t see his face as he came, but you could imagine it, like you had hundreds of times before. The way his hair would stick to his forehead, the way he’d bite down on his lip and squeeze his eyes shut as he let go of control…

You couldn’t see him as he came, but you could feel him. You felt his entire body tense behind you, felt the warm spurts of cum fill you up, felt the way he instinctively grabbed at your throat to anchor himself.

Neither of you spoke for what felt like an eternity as you both caught your breath. Joshua collapsed on the bed with you in his arms, cock still buried inside of you. He brushed your hair out of your face and turned your head so that he could look into your eyes.

“Are you okay?”

You nodded sleepily and gave him a weak smile. “I’m good.”

“Are you sure? I wasn’t too rough?”

“No, you were perfect.”

He kissed you again without a second thought and you kissed him back. It felt familiar and warm, like it was the most normal thing in the world.

“Here let’s get you cleaned up,” he said, pulling out of you.

You winced at the empty feeling, but laid in bed motionlessly and let Joshua dote on you. He used a warm washcloth in between your thighs and wrapped a new Spider-Man Band-Aid around your hurt finger. He slipped back into his boxers and tossed you another pair of his to wear before fetching you a glass of water from the kitchen and making you drink it all.

Joshua returned to bed finally and snuggled up to you instantly. You nestled yourself into the crook of his arm and rested your head on his shoulder.

“I thought I didn’t have to fuck you to sleep in your bed,” you said quietly once he had gotten comfortable.

“Shut up.” There was still a lot to discuss between the two of you, but nothing that couldn’t wait until morning. For now you were content to fall asleep in his arms and ignore all of the unanswered questions bouncing around in your mind. “For the record, I still expect my fried rice.”

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