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brelione · 4 years ago

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Have You Ever Been In Love (JJ Maybank X Reader)

Warnings:Smut,fluff,mentions of really gross jellyfish stings

This is the first smut ive written so dont judge me pls

JJ Maybank had never been in love.He never wanted to be in love either.He had never seen it or understood how people could die for it.He had heard the story of Romeo and Juliet hundreds of times.How it had ended in a beautiful tragedy.Love was an illness that killed people.It was like a parasite that ate away at your heart and brain until there was nothing left.It sounded painful and he’d rather be set on fire then fall in love.He had convinced himself that he could never love anyone in such a way.He convinced himself that he’d only ever love someone like a sibling.He could never really fall in love.He had tried lying to himself over and over and had gone as far as to write it on paper over and over again.Nothing worked.He was sick with the plague of love.The first time he ever saw you he couldnt understand the feeling within him.He had been working at a gas station.That job had only lasted two weeks.His shift was from 12 am to five am and he hated it.It had been three in the morning when you walked in with your wet hair,slightly bloodshot eyes,bikini top and shorts.The terrible gas station lighting should’ve made you look like shit but you looked fantastic in his eyes.

You had waved to him quickly before heading to the back into the freezer section.You were limping ever so slightly,your flip flops echoing through the building.He kept staring at you,trying to figure out if he had ever seen you before.He saw the bright red lines across your thigh and shin.It looked gross and painful but you didnt even care as you grabbed a pint of ben and jerry’s icecream.You went over to the counter where all the coffee,syrup,sugar and cream was.You made yourself a caramel iced coffee before limping up to the counter.His eyebrows were furrowed as he looked down at you. “Hey,do you have like a band aid or something?”You asked.He frowned. “What for?”He asked,pretending he hadnt noticed the bright irritated injury.You grinned. “Um...jellyfish stings.”You answered.He shook his head. “Youre gonna put a band aid on a jellyfish sting?”He asked.You nodded,sipping the coffee and putting ten dollars on the counter.He leaned across the counter,glancing down at your leg. “Yeah,no.That’s pretty bad.You should clean that off and wrap it up.”He suggested.You bit your lip,shaking your head.

“Nah dude,i’ve got ice cream for a reason.It doesnt even hurt that bad like its fine.”You answered,grabbing the icecream.He handed you two dollars back,telling you to wait a minute before putting his hand under the counter and grabbing the box of rainbow bandaids and handing you one.You smiled. “Thanks,JJ.”You took the band aid,holding it up to the light. “Ooh...a yellow one.”You mumbled,putting the band aid in your pocket. “Do I know you?”He asked.You shook your head. “But you knew my name.”He squeezed the counter,trying not to blush at all.You pointed to his name tag.He had completely forgot about it.He nodded,biting his lip hard and looking away from you. “So what’s your name?”He asked.You grinned,grabbing your coffee. “Wouldnt you like to know,pretty boy.”You smiled before walking out.He watched as you left,letting out a loud sigh.He let out a laugh,not understanding the feeling that was taking over his body.He stared down at the counter for a while,scolding himself for falling apart like that.Flirting had always come easy for him.He’d never met a girl that he couldnt charm with his looks and his words,except Kie,of course.

But even she had blushed a good amount of times when they first met.But not you with your jellyfish sting and your ben and jerrys icecream.It wasnt until about a month later that he had seen you again.He had lost his job at the gas station because he was caught smoking weed inside.He wondered if maybe you had come by the gas station looking for him since he had left.He kept thinking about you,wondering your name or if you had ever cleaned off your jellyfish sting.He had been at The Wreck as he stuffed his face with french fries and listened to John B. and Pope’s rambling about something scientific.The fries nearly fell out of his mouth when he saw you walk up to the counter. “Hey,hoe.”You grinned at Kiara.She gasped. “Dude-oh my god its been like three months!”She exclaimed,coming out from behind the counter and hugging you. “Hey.”You repeated,pulling out of the hug.She said something quickly to her dad before literally dragging you over to the table where your other friends sat. “This is (Y/N)!”She told them excitedly,shaking your arm.You grinned at JJ before saying hi to the group.Kiara explained that you had been staying with your father in Massachusetts for the last couple of months and that you two had been friends since like seventh grade and whatever.

JJ hadnt been paying attention to her,only focusing on you.The overwhelming desire to laugh and hug you was almost scary.He even knew your name now.It fit you quite well.You looked like a (Y/N) for sure. “JJ,what do you think?”Kiara asked.He frowned a bit,trying to figure out what she was asking. “What?”He asked.Pope laughed. “Dude,pay attention for once.”He sighed.Kiara rolled her eyes. “I asked if you think (Y/N) should join us on the boat today.”She repeated.JJ nodded. “Yeah,yeah definitely.”He blushed,trying not to look at you.You grinned. “Cool,I’ll see you guys later then.”You winked at JJ before getting up and walking out of the restaurant.Kiara snorted in a laugh as JJ smacked his head down. “Have you two met before?”She asked.JJ nodded,picking his head back up.Kiara gasped. “Oh god-did you two hook up?Please tell me you did not hook up with my best friend.”Kiara waited nervously for his answer.JJ shook his head. “I wish.”He replied.He ignored the feeling,telling himself that he was just too high for social interaction and that was the only reason he felt the way he did.

He hadnt smoked in hours.His mind wandered back to a month ago when he had seen you the first time.He had been getting dressed at John.B’s that afternoon,trying to make himself look nice for when he saw you.He had changed his sleeveless shirt for the first time in two days.He had taken a quick shower,brushed his hair and stared at himself for a good five minutes.He wasnt in love.There was nothing wrong with wanting to look nice for someone.Kiara had basically yelled at JJ on how to get to your house. “No-no you gotta-OH MY GOD JUST LET ME DRIVE!”She had shouted and ended up driving the boat.She pulled up to your personal dock,waiting for you after sending you a text.Your house had chipped paint and six chickens roaming around your backyard.His heart sped up,breaths getting a bit fast as he waited for you to come out.When you did he couldnt look away from you.Your hair was tied up,a yellow highwaisted bikini tight on your skin.You walked past your chickens,down the hill and towards the dock. “Hey,loser.”You grinned at Kie.She held out her hand to help you on to the boat,pulling you so you were sitting next to her. “Hey (Y/N).”Pope greeted.

“Hey.”You grinned,fist bumping the boy.You leaned back,raising an eyebrow at JJ.He hadnt noticed that you were staring,to busy looking down where his eyes shouldn't have been.He licked his lips,looking back up at your face.You winked at him,causing him to blush and look away.He spent the whole day sending glances your way,glancing down at your thigh every once in a while.There was only some scratches left and a small patch of peeling skin on your thigh where the awful sting had once been. “So why were you in Massachusetts?”Pope asked,leaning his head on his folded shirt.You laughed quietly.That was a fun thing to explain to people when they had asked. “Well,you see,my half sister’s step mother’s cousin was getting married so I got invited.Obviously I decided to go but then like I got stuck up there because there was like a tropical storm or some shit and the wind was going ninety miles per hour and there were flash floods and the power went out and full as buildings like collapsed

.It was a huge mess and then like a couple days later it was negative ten degrees and all the water froze and I couldn't drive out cause of it and it sucked and I think someone like manifested bad luck on me.So it kind of sucked but then I got boba coffee in boston and I went to an aquarium and all these museums.There are so many hospitals in Massachusetts like it's kind of crazy.But then I ended up somewhere in the suburbs on my way back and I slept in my car for like four days until I got my car fixed and then I got here like a few days ago.”You explained,looking over at JJ to make sure he wouldn't say anything.Pope nodded. “So what museums did you go to?”He asked,continuing your conversation.JJ felt a bit jealous that you weren't paying attention to him like he was paying attention to you but he couldn't really be mad about it.He just wasn't your type.He wasn't in love.He just wanted you to like him.It had been two in the afternoon when they stopped in the middle of a clear bay.

JJ had watched to see if you were going to go into the water.He watched as you pulled your hair out of its tied up mess,nudging Kiara’s arm.She nodded,jumping off the side of the boat with you.JJ watched as you swam away from the boat around one hundred feet with Kiara close behind you.He watched the way your body moved in the water and how you kept purposefully splashing water into Kiara’s face.He listened to your giggles as you got back to the side of the boat,declaring that you had won.Kiara groaned,lifting herself onto the boat.JJ held out his arm for you to pull yourself up.He blushed a deep crimson as you squeezed his forearm lightly and thanked him.He watched as you and Kiara laid on your backs,basking in the sun while you had a small conversation.He had ended up jumping in the water with Pope,racing John.B and JJ to a buoy a few yards away.He had swam as fast as he could,saltwater splashing into his nose and mouth.He hoped you were watching.For eight months you had been part of the close knit friend group,officially being voted in in favor of everybody after a month of hanging out with them.While they all went to school you had just spent everyday at your house doing whatever you felt like doing.

You’d still swim and surf during the winter because the water wasn't even close to cold.You’d come around John.B’s house when he and the others were out of school.Sometimes you’d even spend the day at his house.Little did you know that JJ would skip the last half an hour of last period pretty often just so he could spend time alone with you.He’d announce himself as he walked in,his heart beating fast as he stood in the doorway.You’d always hug him tight and ask him how his day went and if he wanted to go surfing with you.He’d say yes every time and change into his bathing suit quickly.You’d get so excited to finally see everyone after they got out of school.Kind of like a puppy with separation anxiety.JJ would tell you everything about his day from what he ate at lunch to any jokes he had heard that he thought you might find funny.He’d tell you about a dog he’d seen walking around during P.E or an explosion in the teacher’s lounge microwave.He told you everything he could think of and made it sound as dramatic as possible just to see your reaction.You never questioned why he got back before the others every single day but it didn't really matter.You surfed for hours together before laying on your stomachs on your boards and floating across from each other. “JJ.”You sighed,putting your head down on your folded hands as they rested on your board.

He hummed,looking at you to give you his full attention. “Yeah?”He asked,waiting nervously for you to ask the questions you had.There were so many things you could say.Perhaps Pope had let something slip out.He had ranted to Pope about his feelings for you and how he couldn't understand.Pope tried to explain to him that he was in love with you but that wasn't possible.He wasn't capable of loving someone the way he loved you.He didn't love you.He just loved everything about you and wanted to be around you all the time.He wanted you to lay on his chest as he played around with your hair while you told him about your day.He wanted to take you on late night walks along the beach and collect seashells with you as you giggled about random things.He wanted to sing you silly songs as you whined for him to shut up.He wasn't in love with you.He just wanted you to love him and date him and be his.But that definitely didn't mean he was in love with you,right?You sighed as the sun beamed down on your skin,the water twinkling almost blindingly. “Have you ever been in love?”You asked him.

He bit his lip,glancing out at the horizon.He didn't know how to answer you or even how to react.You knew about his random hookups with tourons and how he was known as a bit of a man whore.He knew that you knew.But you didn't know that he hadnt hooked up with anybody since he had met you.He licked his bottom lip,looking back at you.You were looking at him,only your nose and eyes visible because the rest of your face was hidden by your crossed arms.He gulped. “Um...no.No.No i’ve never been in love.”He cleared his throat.You giggled,the sound echoing off your surfboard. “That was not convincing at all.Girl or boy?”You asked,interested in his story.He shook his head,grinning. “Nobody.”He answered,avoiding your gaze.You reached out,grabbing his arm. “Come on,J.Tell me about it.I’ll tell you first if you want.”You offered.His stomach churned at the thought of you loving someone.He didn't know why.Well,no,he absolutely knew why.He knew it was because he had a thing for you.

He didn't know what that thing was but he didn't really like it much.He nodded,waiting for you to tell the story.You sighed. “Alright.It was eighth grade and his name was Ryan.”You began.His eyebrows furrowed. “Ryan Field?”He asked.You nodded,making a look of disgust come across his face.You giggled. “You know what?Shut up because I was twelve,okay?So,anyways,he sat next to me in Geography and this was before I dropped out and I was barely paying attention.We’d pass notes back and forth and then I had his phone number and we’d text all the time and then we ended up dating.It was my first serious relationship and he broke up with me because he thought I wasn't like mentally stable enough for a relationship and I couldn't handle it.I guess he was right and it definitely hurt when it happened but thinking about it now I don't even know if I actually loved him or if I just was trying to like….convince myself I was happy,you know?I don't even know if love is even real because I used to believe in it when I was little but then I got into the real world and shit kind of just hit the fan.Its all just messy and it's probably all bullshit but it's nice to think that maybe there are people that we’re meant to be with.I don't even think I have someone im supposed to be with cause like,everyone i've ever cared about leaves me so now i'm constantly paranoid that you’re all gonna leave me so that's fun.”You spoke quickly and held up a peace sign.

His eyebrows knit together as he stared back at you. “You-you shouldn't feel like that about us.You know-you know that we'd never leave you.You know that we-that we all love you,right?You know that I love you and we all love having you around and that things wouldn't be the same without you.You know that,dont you?”He asked frantically,his hands tightening on his board.He couldn't believe everything that you just said.The atmosphere completely changed.It felt tense,the giggling and teasing from before had completely faded and was now replaced with nervousness.The clouds covered the sunlight,the air was cool and the small waves had calmed.You sighed quietly,sorting out what you wanted to say.He could've been lying about it.They all probably talked bad about you behind your back anyways. “We should get back to the house,looks like it's gonna rain.”You spoke quietly,paddling back to the shore.You sniffled as you walked on the sand,JJ jogging close behind you.

“We should seriously talk about this.Why wouldn't you tell anyone that you felt like this?”He asked.You let your board fall to the sand,turning around with tears in your eyes. “Because I'm scared,okay?Im scared that he was right about me not being mentally stable enough for relationships and that i'm a bad friend and a bad person.I don't even deserve happiness or relationships or love,god,i don't even know if im capable of it-”You ranted,tears coming from your eyes when he smashed his lips against yours.It was rough and desperate as your shaky hands made their way around his neck.You couldn't even wrap your mind around what was happening.His arms draped around your hips and held onto you like you were a life line,pulling away for a moment to breath before kissing you again. “JJ.”You whispered,still holding him close.He panted,eyes still closed as his forehead leaned against yours. “JJ,what the fuck are we doing right now?”You asked,out of breath.He licked his lips,knees weak and his bottom lip quivering. “I dont-I dont know it seemed like a good idea.”He whispered,still holding onto you.You didn't know how to react or even what to say.You just stood their,hands on the back of his neck with water dripping onto your fingers from his hair.

“Sorry,I shouldn't have done that.”His hands fell from your body.You pulled him back for another kiss,his hands on your waist as he pulled you impossibly close to him. “I meant it.”He mumbled before pressing a small kiss to your lips.You bit your bottom lip,letting out a small shaky breath. “What?”You asked.He gulped. “When I said we all love you...that I love you.I meant it.”He spoke quietly.He bit the inside of his cheek as he waited for you to respond.He was in love.Thunder rumbled loudly,the sky darkening as rain pounded down on the two of you.He didn't even care,only worried about what you were going to say.Your finger traced his jaw slowly,dragging your warm finger up to his temple and slicking his wet hair back.The rain sent shivers all over your body as you pulled him back down.He bit down on your lip,tugging it lightly before practically shoving his tongue down your throat.A moan ripped from your vocal cords as you pressed up against him.His lips traveled down your jaw and to your neck,kissing,sucking and biting.The rain became heavier and the air became colder. “JJ...J-we….we need to go-go back to the house.”You whispered,hand tugging at his hair.He let out a small sigh.

“Please-please-I need you now.”He whimpered,pressing himself to you so you could feel how hard he really was.You bit your lip,looking up at him. “You can last five minutes.”You told him.He shook his head. “I cant-I cant do it-im so hard it hurts.”He whined.You picked up your surfboard. “Then you’re gonna have to run back if you can't last.”You smirked,jogging back up the hill.JJ ran after you with his surfboard under his arms,tossing it down in the backyard. “Hurry,please.”He told you.You grinned,seeing the van wasn't there yet.He dragged you into the guest room while you closed the door and locked it.He pressed you up against the door,kissing you hard and untying your bikini top.He let it fall to the floor before moving downwards.Your breasts were cold from the water but he didnt care,leaving deep purple marks all over them.You let out small moans as your fingernails scratched against his scalp.

You pushed him down on the bed,straddling him and pressing a kiss to his lips.You sucked hickeys along his jaw and collarbones. “Please…”He whispered.He had never been this desperate before.He had never let anyone be on top before either.You began to roll your hips slowly,grinding on him.He let out a loud,raspy moan as he gripped your hips to make you go faster.His mouth fell open as his head fell back.You leaned down to create a dark hickey on his neck.You slid his bathing suit down,licking your lips.He bit his lip as he waited for you to do something.He let out a loud gasp as you ran your fingertip along a pulsing vein. “You like that,JJ?”You asked.He nodded quickly,making you grin. “Words,baby.I need words.”You taunted.His eyes closed tightly as he let out a whimper. “I like it-I love it so much,princess.”He squeaked out as your hand moved faster. “Please-please-just-”His sentence was cut off by a loud moan ripping through his throat. “Please what?”You asked innocently.He bit his lip hard,trying not to let anything else slip out. “Please just-please I just need you.”He moaned,back arching slightly.You loved having this power over him as you watched him fall apart in front of you.

“What do you need,J?Tell me what you want.”You spoke softly.He swallowed hard,sweat and water drops coating his forehead. “I-I want you to fuck me hard and-and I want to make you-make you feel good.”A half scream half moan left his mouth along with a string of profanities.You leaned down so you could whisper into his ear. “You wanna make me feel good?Oh,thats cute.”You whispered before sinking down onto him.He nearly screamed,eyes going wide. “Let it out,baby.No one can hear you.”You whispered to him.He let out a loud scream that was so loud it could break glass.You began to move at a hellish pace,letting out small moans. “Moan for me.”He told you,guiding you up and down on him.You let out loud moans,glad no one else was home.You were going so fast and so hard that you knew you probably wouldn't be able to walk properly tomorrow. “Im so close.”He whined.You went even faster than you thought possible,grinning as he let out a shout as he reached his high.You kept going after that,making him a bit confused but he didn't complain once he glanced down and saw as his member went in and out of you,your head dipping back as you let out a long,high pitched moan and squirted.He smirked,holding on tight to your waist before flipping you two over. “You’ve done so much for me today,baby,Let me help you out.”He spoke softly before kissing your forehead.His fists went onto the mattress next to your head as he began to pound into you ridiculously hard.Your fingernails dug into his back as he sped up,determined to make you come undone again.

It barely took two minutes for you to cum again,the juices leaking out and coating your inner thighs and his member.He pulled out,laying down beside you. “God,you feel so good.”He moaned quietly,arm around your waist.You grinned. “I know,baby.You’re so good for me.”You kissed his forehead.He leaned into your touch,burying his face in the crook of your neck.The storm was just calming down when you heard the door to the house open.You got up quickly,grabbing your wet towel from the beach to clean yourself out.You grabbed a random long sleeve shirt and slid on a pair of shorts,tossing JJ his pajama pants before tying your hair up to fix its messy state.You unlocked the door before sliding under the covers and resting on JJ’s chest. “Pretend to sleep.”You whispered to him when you heard footsteps coming down the hall.He nodded,placing his arms around you comfortably before closing his eyes.He heard the door open and a small gasp that had obviously come from Kie.He tried not to smile when he heard the loud click of a photo being taken before the door closed again.

#jj maybank #jj maybankxreader #jj maybank imagine #jj x you #jj maybank oneshot #jj #jj obx #obx #jj smut #jj maybank smut #john b #pope heyward #kiara carrera #jj outer banks #outer banks

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nightmaretyrantvantas · 5 years ago

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Wont you let me take you to the other side?- A dark sides au intrulogical story

okaaaaaay I got hit with alot of inspiration for this one! I was listening to the song The Other Side from The Greatest Showman ( and had @softmushie ‘s animatic of the song on repeat for like an hour its so good) and as I was listening I started thinking and suddenly this song fit these two perfectly for this au.

A bit of context: Remus is pretty damn tired of the light sides and his brother always taking things from him and virgil and the other dark sides and decides that they need a taste of their own medicine, and he knows EXACTLY what to do to do it~

I hope you guys enjoy, I had alot of fun doing this and there will be a corresponding picture being drawn( since I dont have the tools to make animatics- theres an animatic in this that im just writing out at this point) So if this comes off as a song fic thats part of the plan

Anyway enjoy!!

Warnings: Crude language, cursing, remus being remus, unsympathetic sides(all sides not just one, depends on whose side youre viewing the conflict from) Sympathetic dark sides, Sexual implications and innuendos somewhere

Logan would pride himself on being many things, such as prepared for almost any situation. He was rational, logic, level-headedness, problem solver, calm. He was prepared for many things thrown at the sides and at Thomas.

He knew how to calmly ease Deceit’s insecurities about his new role. He knew how to reel back Roman from going overboard and exhausting himself before he can expand on any one idea. He knew how to calm Patton down when and urge him to talk before he bottled up too much negativity. He would even risk saying he could keep the dark sides from causing too much mayhem, as difficult as they could make themselves. Logan was efficient and orderly, and he tried to keep most of the mindscape, and Thomas, the same way despite any roadblocks or shenanigans.

Despite this he was not prepared for everything that could happen, which is what landed him in his current predicament.

Logan’s head throbbed lightly as he pried his eyes open, as if he had a headache or had been hit hard over the head with something heavy. When he had gathered his bearings he looked up to find himself in a dark space shrouded in black, sitting at the end up a sleek dark table. A glance down showed him he was not restrained in any visible way, and he could get up and leave if he so wanted. But where he would be leaving was unclear, and he stayed seated as he thought back to what happened and how he would’ve gotten here. ‘ Lets see....we were brainstorming another video idea...I was with Roman...we were bickering over an idea of his and the actuality of Thomas being able to pull it off in a timely matter or if we should go with something else...it was a bit of a stalemate so to speak...and then Roman yelled something about behind me...and then I saw a glimpse of green...and then...The last thing I can remember seeing was--’

“ Remus.” He said firmly. Thats when he heard a familiar laugh at the other end of the table.

“ You called Logan darling~?” Logan sighed and briefly pinched the bridge of his nose to maintain his composure before reopening his eyes and locking them with the wild, glowing green eyes of the side across from him.

Remus was sitting at the other side of the table with his chair tilted back in a precarious balancing act and a wide grin on his face that reeked of bad intentions...or maybe that was just Remus in general. Logan sat himself up straighter in his chair and sighed.

“ Remus would you please explain where we are, and why you felt the need to knock me out to bring me here.” Remus only shrugged at first, tapping freshly painted black nails on the desk where he could reach. Despite the casual feel to his movements his eyes were unusually sharp and focused, trapping Logan in their grip. He couldnt help the irritated huff he gave, and he tapped his foot a little.

“ Remus please, I’m not in the mood for these games of yours right now. Wheres the exit.” All he got back was an amused hum and the thud of his chair remeeting the floor and the creak as the other leaned towards him.

“ oh ho ho~ No games today Lo-lo not this time...This time I’d like to put an offer for you out on the table.” He gave a grand sweep gesture over the table and grinned, eyes glittering with something Logan recognized somewhere else. Stubborn-ness, determination.

He saw it in Roman’s eyes far too often to mistake it.

“ An...offer? Remus...what are you talking about?” Remus seemed to wave off his clear suspicion and continued his pitch, voice enthusiastic and honest.

“ Cmon lo! I dont want to have to keep chasing you down for it...but I know you see it too. Drop the stuffy ties with those light side pricks and try running with me.” Logan was stunned, too stunned to reply at first. And Remus took that opportunity to keep going.

“ You can run with me, and I can cut you free from them and all the burdens they keep piling on. Out of all that drudgery and the walls that are keeping you in!” He leaned forward more, palms flat on the table as he stood from his chair.

“ Lets trade that boring typical for something different, something colorful! And if its bad or crazy? Fuck it lets live a little crazy!” Logan only had time to blink before Remus was standing beside him, leaning close.

“ You can play it sensible, their king of the conventional. Or you can risk it all and see...dont you just wanna get away from this same old boooooooring part they make you play?” He felt Remus’s hand glid over his chest and shoulder as he circled around the chair, another grand gesture made with his other hand.

“ Because frankly specs, I got more of what you need! So just come with me and take the ride~ and I’ll take you to the other side! Because dont get me wrong...” Another blink and the other was seated directly in front of him on top of the table, one leg crossed over the other and his heeled boot lightly pressing on his thigh above his knee.

“ you can keep doing like you do...or you can do like me! You can stay in you boring little cage, or you can finally take the key...” A golden key dangled in his right hand tauntingly, as his other hand wrapped around Logan’s tie and pulled him up so their faces were close. He lowered his voice to a soften, smooth tone as his smiled curled into a small smirk.

“ Well damn, then suddenly youre free to fly....Just let me take you to the other side.”

Logan blinked, once then twice as he processed what was happening as quickly as he could. And once it had he almost let out a bit of a laugh. Remus was persuasive when he was passionate about something, Logan wouldnt deny him that. His words were urging and hypnotic, but that alone wouldnt make the logical side swoon. So he sighed through his nose and put his hand on the wrist holding his tie and met his eyes confidently.

“ Ok Remus, you want to...” cut me in” so to speak. You want me to join the dark sides with you correct? As...gilded and lovely as you make the offer to be...” He gently pushed his hand off and leaned back in his chair, straightening his tie with a calm, composed expression.

“ Well I hate to tell youm but it simply just wont happen. So I give you my thanks, but no. I think im good to go.” He gave a small smirk and stood from the chair and took a step away, casually dusting his shoulders off as he did.

“ Because despite what you say I quite enjoy the life you claim to say im trapped in. Not to completely disregard you now,” He glanced back, dark blue cutting into bright green as the table disappeared and left the two standing face to face in the darkness

“ Now, I’ll admit I do admire you, and this whole show you can do. Youre onto something Remus, really youre onto something I can say I’ll be proud of you for. But I have to stay among the light sides and rationality, and cannot afford to give in to recklessness. That, I’ll have to leave that up to you.” He chuckled softly with his words and stood up straighter, his smiling faded as he took a more serious approach, turning on his heels to walk away.

“ Dont you know that im ok with this “ uptown” part I get to play. Because there I got what I need and I dont wish to take your ride. So I dont need to see the other side.” He turned and began to walk, waving his hand to dismiss the idea away.

“ So you go back and do like you do, I’m well and good to do like me. I am not in some so called cage...so I dont need to take your key Remus. I believe you can see I’m doing just fine. I dont need you to take me to the other side.” Remus narrowed his eyes and let out his own sigh, watching his back with more seriousness.

“ Is that really how you like to spend your days? Wasted and in misery, locked in their rules and pretty plays?” Logan glanced back with a stern look.

“ If I were to be mixed up with you, I’d be the talk of the mindscape. I’d likely be disgraced and disowned, discarded as unfit for my role as logic.”

Logan had blinked once and suddenly he was swept off his feet and in a twirl. He let out a startled noise as Remus led him in a extravagant waltz, arms around him and keeping him close as the world around them melted and swirled into a luxurious and gothic ballroom hall, green candlelight flickering and glowing as they danced round and round. Here in his arms Logan realized for the first time that Remus was actually taller than him, and that the other could dance beautifully and elegantly while Logan stumbled along with him. Remus didnt seem to mind as he chuckled and led Logan round and round to music he couldve sworn floated at the edges of his hearing, something somber and sweet on the violin or piano maybe.

“ Cmon Logan dont you enjoy this? The freedom, the thrill?” Logan looked up again and opened his mouth to repeat his stance when Remus leaned close

“ You would finally get to live a little, finally laugh a little....just let me give you the freedom to dream and to breathe a little...” Another twirl and he spun Logan once like a princess before continuing their dance.

“ It’ll wake you up and cure all your aching, I’ll take all your walls and we’ll start ‘em breaking! Now to me that seems like a deal...a risk well worth taking~” He then spun Logan away from him, and the logical side found himself a little speechless as the scene morphed once more. Remus himself fell into a deep sweeping bow as he smiled, a bow worthy of a King’s presence. And for the one moment Logan realized he could feel the weight of a crown on his head, could see parts of the elegant and simple royal robes he was donning and the throne room he now stood at the head of, moonlight pouring in and giving it all an almost heavenly glow. His eyes met Remus’s once more, and he saw they were glittering in the moonlight, like green jewels. And all at once the moonlight faded and Remus pulled himself up. Logan briefly felt a hand slide sensually, longingly across his cheek as it grew darker, and as Remus’s voice grew softer.

“ But I guess I’ll leave that decision up to you Logan...”

He blinked and found himself standing in the hallway, right in front of his room, normal attire and Remus nowhere in sight. It was dark, most likely night now and he could feel Thomas sleeping.

He was back home...right?

Logan took a deep breath as quietly as he could and shook his head, trying to dismiss the whole ordeal as perhaps nothing but a vivid dream of sorts...He let his shoulders slump a little as he headed into his room to go work on some things before bed. But he stopped as his door clicked shut, eyes locked on the single thorny blue rose sitting in the center of his desk. He felt warmth flood his cheeks as his fingers brushed one of the silk soft petals. He caught a glimpse of a single lined note attached to the stem, the paper spotted with a couple suspicious red dots and curvy, messy handwriting.

‘ I’ll be waiting on your answer, you know where to find me once you do~ Until then darling’

aaaaaaaaaand tadaaaa! Its done!! I hope you guys like it!!

Taglist

@phantommoonpeople

@sweetsweetemo

@leesacrakon

@amazable01

@starbucks-remy

@strawberryjellystuff

@jemthebookworm

@max-is-tired

@seriously-a-dragon

@sar-kasstic

@soupspam

@riarites

@yalltookmyurlideas

@unsocialchapeau

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wuvbug-kny · 5 years ago

Text

too late — kamado tanjirou

↬ tw!! suicidal thoughts

↬ tanjirou x fem!reader x inosuke

↬ genre: angst

“i-i really do like you..um, it wasnt easy to confess b-but..yeah..”

my body shook. my head ached. my anxiety was over the roof. what was i thinking, why would i confess to him?! oh god. im going insane. what was i thinking..

i felt tears in my eyes start to form as my body got hotter by the second. my fists were clenches togethee tightly, nails digging into my palms as my heart raced at an unsteady pace. i gulped. why wasnt he saying anything? why is he just standing there? oh no.. my eyes remained stuck onto the ground as the knot in my throat got tighter. the tears that had formed in my eyes began to fall to the ground, and out of embarassment i lowered my head even more hoping he wouldnt notice.

tanjirou, please dont break me more than i already am broken.

“(y/n)..”

“y-yes?”

“im sorry.

i cant reciprocate your feelings.”

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡

i felt numb. i felt like complete, utter trash.

i felt worthless. i feel worthless.

of course it turned out that way.

why did i get my hopes up? why was i so dumb? to think someone like him would love such a lonely, miserable girl like me.

my heart ached. ever since i felt like the hole in my chest had gotten the biggest its ever been. it hurt, the pain was incredibly painful, i felt like i seeped even more into darkness than the darkness i was emorsed in before.

god, why am i so miserable? what is this life you’ve given me? what is my purpose?

sometimes, no, at all times i just want to disappear.

the knock on my door startled me, causing me to jump up from my laying position on my bed, in result of getting up too fast i had landed on my floor painfully. i grunted in pain as more tears began to spilled out from my eyes.

im miserable..

quickly sitting up, i wiped the tears from my tomato reddened face before sucking everything up as best as i could.

“y-yes?” i replied to the knocking coming from my door.

the knocking got even louder.

confused, i called out again. “y-yes??”

i jumped, shrieking slightly as the door was kicked open. am i under attack? but this is the butterfly estate! scrambling to my bed like the coward i was, i quickly pulled out my blade, pointing it towards the now beaten down door.

“w-who is it??” i shivered.

“(y/n), you bird brain! training has started and everyone is still waiting on you!!”

in came inosuke, wearing his boar mask as usual.

i lowered my blade and sighed shakily, before putting it away. “i-inosuke..you scared me. you could of just answered to me instead of kicking my door open..” i said, getting up from the bed.

“whatever! you should be at training! you’re holding everyone up, you stupid hag!” he huffed, crossing his arms.

i forcefully made myself laugh, even though i was in now way amused by his words.

hes right.

im a burden to everybody.

i shouldnt be here.

i should just die.

im so worthless.

everyone would be better off without me.

without realizing, i felt the warmness of my tears flowing down my face. i felt my heart ache so badly, my body shaking.

unable to hold my stance, i fall to the floor. sobbing.

because im so pathetic.

taking my bruised up hands, i quickly try to wipe the tears away but they just keep coming, and coming. i cant stop. i cant stop. my bubble has bursted, i have no more energy, i have no energy to keep it all in anymore, i cant control myself.

as i was too busy drowning in my negative, self killing thoughts, i was interrupted when my hands were pulled away from my face.

a little taken aback, but still having tears flowing down my face, i looked up.

inosuke..

“what are you, a baby? stop it.” he grumbled as he wiped my tears away with his thumb. his thumb glided across my cheek, flicking my tears away as gently as ever. for a moment i felt my heart warm. this is the first time ive ever been carressed so gently. i loved the feeling, but at the same time surprised as to who i was recieving it from.

“dont cry anymore. i dont like it.” his hands gently carressed my face now as his emerald eyes looked into mine. i felt my heart skip a beat, the empty deep feeling in my chest being forgotten at the very moment. i couldnt look away from his eyes.

for the first time ever, i felt like. i was okay.

i teared up again, but before i could let the tears spill i engulfed inosuke in a hug. an endearing, loving, grateful hug. i sobbed as i buried my face into his chest.

“t-thank you. thank you so much.”

i felt his arms wrap around my shaking figure gently, as he at the same time patted my head.

i was honestly surprised as to what was going on right now. out of all people, inosuke.

you’ve made me so happy. you’ve made me feel safe, okay, and wanted.

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡

two months had passed ever since tanjirou had turned me down.

honestly, i had nothing against tanjirou. i never expected him to like me, heck, love me back even. i never expected him to reciprocate my feelings. but at the same time, i felt like i still had a chance. i dont know what was going through my mind at the time.

i still loved tanjirou. maybe not as much as before, but i knew i still had the slightesy feelings for him. i try my best to talk to him as if nothing had ever happened. i really just want to move on from it.

as much as i hate myself for it, seeing him and talking to him makes me feel worthless. i hate myself for feeling that way. if i could go back in time and redo everything, i most certainly would.

what hurt me even more was to see how close he had gotten himself with kanao. it was no surprise to me, honestly. kanao is a very pretty girl, and she’s just way better than me in general in regards to demon slaying and skill wise.

no wonder tanjirou would take interest in her.

i was happy for him, i really was. i held no resent towards kanao at all. afterall, it would be petty and childish.

kanao was a dear friend to me and if they really did have chemistry between one another, i do really wish them the best.

i just cant help but pity myself.

“(y/n)!”

i squeaked in surprise as i was suddenly lifted off the ground by a pair of arms around my waste and twirled around. it took me a moment to realize that it was nobody but inosuke, before having a giggling fit.

“i-inosuke! put me down!” i laughed as he started to make plane noises. i felt myself blush as his eyes locked itself with mine, before averting my gaze to block him from noticing my face had turned into a tomato red.

ever since i broke down in front of inosuke and had him comfort me, we’ve gotten a lot closer. not much has changed between us personality wise, but he associated with me way more and always seemed ready whenever id ask him a favor, etc. he also now liked to pick me up and pretend to toss me, or making plane noises as he twirled me around.

he’s honestly like my best friend now. i can actually talk to him about how i feel deep down inside. he listens but doesnt really give much input on it, but i dont mind. its inosuke afterall, what can i expect? all im grateful for is that he listens.

inosuke grinned before setting me back down on the floor. he patted my hat before literally collapsing onto the grass covered ground, yawning and using his arms to rest his head on.

“im tired, (y/n). take a nap with me.” he grunted, patting the spot next to him. i smiled before laying down too, as i looked up at the sky.

“hey, inosu-“ i cut myself off after i had looked at him and noticed he was already out like a light. i giggled a bit. hes such a baby, honestly.

i stared at his face a bit more and noticed how pretty and feminine his features were. his eyelashes were curled and at a beautiful length, his lips slightly parted making him look angelic. his fair skin with no scars made him look like an angel.

jeez, god really do be picking favorites.

i sighed before laying back down on the grass, closing my eyes as i rested my head on inosuke’s chest. i felt myself sleeping into sleep and just let it happen.

this was one of the many times i felt at peace, always with inosuke.

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡

“im telling you, inosuke and (y/n) have a thing going on! have you seen how they are with each other?!” falling onto the floor, zenitsu started to sob. “why, out of all people, him?! a pretty girl like (y/n) deserves better! eUUugGNnN!!”

“what are you guys talking about?” tanjirou asked as he walked into the room, a smile worn on his face as he laughed at zenitsu obviously being overdramatic about whatever it was.

aoi and the other three girls sighed as they continued on eating their lunch.

“zenitsu thinks (y/n) and inosuke are dating and hes freaking out about it because he knows he’ll never get someone as pretty as (y/n).” aoi said, laughing at the last part.

tanjirou froze, before laughing nervously. “aaah, dont say that, im sure zenitsu will find someone one day!”

aoi shrugged, followed on by more giggles coming from sumi and the two others.

“are (y/n) and inosuke really dating?” tanjirou asked, sitting down.

“dont even mention it! agh!” zenitsu cried from his laying position on the ground, before burying his face in his arms again.

aoi rolled her eyes before moving onto answering tanjirou. “well..no, actually yeah, no, we dont know. i mean it looks like it. they’ve gotten a lot of closer and inosuke is always up on (y/n) now. i mean, they’d make a really cute couple! i see the way (y/n) lights up when shes around him.”

“a-ah. i see.” tanjirou said, letting out a slight laugh. “well, im gonna head out to train now. ill see you all at dinner.”

aoi and the three girls said goodbye to him as he made his exit.

tanjirou walked down the halls of the butterfly estate, before stumbling upon the garden. he sighed, walking out with the intention to take a look at the peaceful view of the garden meadow and for some fresh air.

his peace was interrupted, however, as his eyes locked upon two well known people cuddled up on the garden grass, taking a peaceful nap.

his fists clenched, and so did his teeth.

he felt jealousy over power him. he did not realize it, but it was there and he felt it. he just didnt know what it was.

but what he knew, was regret.

that he had let (y/n) slip past him.

#kny tanjirou #tanjirou x reader #demon slayer tanjirou #angst #kny x reader #demon slayer inosuke #inosuke x reader #inosuke kny #im back #:(( <3 #kimetsunoyaiba #demon slayer #fanfic #kny fanfic #kny fandom

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snkpolls · 5 years ago

Text

SnK Chapter 125 Poll Results

The chapter 125 poll closed with 1,469 responses. Thank you for your support! This month’s poll results were compiled by /u/alooulla, /u/_Puppet_, @shifter-lines and @momtaku.

RATE THE CHAPTER 1,387 RESPONSES

While still overwhelmingly positive, and slightly improved over Chapter 124, the “wow” factor still wasn’t there for many. Those selecting a perfect five was less than half of respondents (49.3%).

Transitions were unbelievably good, hardly noticed we were at 5 different scenes this chapter.

Not really hype like some chapters have been, but it was wonderful to see all the character and story development.

Created a number of different plot threads, but was not as satisfying as recent chapters

Everyone in this chapter (except Flock) deserves love

Good chapter, juggles lots of POVs excellently and opens up multiple opportunities for where the story may go. I love how desperate everything is.

Beats gonna drop soon

Jean honey if you push Floch out the hole in the wall everyone will swear it was an accident

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS YOUR FAVORITE MOMENT? 1,421 RESPONSES

They only appeared on two pages, but “Levi and Hange are back” was the top pick out of a long list of options with nearly one-third (27.7%) selecting them. “Armin and Mikasa’s argument” secured second (14.3%) and “Annie and Hitch together” (12.6%) round out the top three.

LEVI AND HANGE ARE BACK! OMG!!!

I loved Annie's backstory, the conversation between Floch and Jean, the talk between AM, Shadis, mr Leonhart, literally everything.

I loved hearing Annie and Hitch talk, and the Levi and Hange situation finally got addressed :)

I'm so happy to see Levi and Hange, and so happy that they've run into Pieck and Magath. I hope they can reach some kind of truce and work together.

Floch is the Queen of Paradis confirmed.

Shadis once again made this chapter for me. What a great, deep speech. He is a true hero.♡

WHO WAS THIS CHAPTER'S MVP? 1,416 RESPONSES

While denied the favorite moment, Annie was the favorite for chapter MVP with more than one-quarter of respondent (26.6%). Hitch, the other half of the girl power duo, made a strong showing (19.6%) for number two. Most shocking perhaps is that Hange (13.6%) squeaked out a narrow victory over Floch (12.6%) for third.

Annie is the best girl

Floch did nothing wrong

Hitch nipping at Historia's best girl-crown

HAAAAAAAAANGE

ANNIEEEEE A AAAAA AA A AA A A A A A A MY GIRL

Floch is such a crazy piece of shit, I love him, he's a great villain and I'm glad that Isayama added a character like that to the story. Also, funny with how he represents the rabid Eren stans, parroting the bs they keep saying ("we're free now reeeeeee").

S H A D I S T H E C H A D I S

Hange my queen how the hell did you save Levi, I wanna know!!

Hitch yeeting Annie made me scream, I love them together so much.

My babes Shadis and Magath are BACK!! 😍

So happy to see Hitch back. She is such a fun character and so underrated!

THE CHAPTER OPENS WITH RESIDENTS OF STOHESS REACTING BOTH POSITIVELY AND NEGATIVELY TO EREN’S ACTIONS. WHICH EXPRESSION OF THE CROWD ARE YOU MOST SYMPATHETIC TOWARDS? 1,416 RESPONSES

The citizens of the walls are as divided as the fanbase over Eren’s actions. 36.7% are on the side that says the Eldians on the island would all be dead without Eren, while 34% respond with the fact that he’s responsible for many of their deaths himself. 25.1% don’t want to side with either faction.

“You can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs”

Both are right and wrong at the same time…

Both sides are ignorant as to what is actually happening so it is difficult to gauge who actually feels what they do considering their limited knowledge but I'm edging towards the justification of it.

Eren has planned this all along, he knows there will be no true peace by doing the rumbling and has some kind of third goal

Even if the first expression is true (and no one can say if it is or not for sure) it doesn't make the belligerents right, or mean that Eren shouldn't be held accountable for his actions

Both sides are justified. Both sides reacted according to their personal views in response to an outside force they had no control of.

I sympathize with both. One on hand, it seems as though the wall titans were the only effective retaliation the island had left, but on the other hand, Eren did kill many of his own people and aiming to wipe out the rest of the world is definitely pretty extreme for even Eren. That's why I think there's still a HUGE part of his plan that we haven't been made aware of yet.

There's no real right answer here. Obviously genocide is bad and no one can deny the fact that Eren killed his own people but, what other options were available in the limited time they had?

Whatever your thoughts on The Rumbling, Eren is being extremely reckless and it's going to backfire like crazy. Member when Erwin pulled off an almost-bloodless coup? I have a feeling Ereh is too preoccupied with thoughts of PATHS and FREEDOM to really consider the consequences of stuff like civilian casualties or letting a fascist cult take over the government.

What the tic tac patty wack snick snack quarterback big mac heart attack race track double back guy named jack did he just do?

Sasageyo

ANNIE BACKSTORY! WHAT DID YOU THINK? 1,420 RESPONSES

Annie’s finally back! And she sure got a lot of page time, finally getting her chance to speak her story. The majority thought seems to be that it was okay, at 60.3%, whereas 33.2% absolutely loved it, and 6.5% thought it was a waste of time.

Develops her character a bit but otherwise not too important

we got an entire Annie backstory and it answered NONE of my questions about the crystal. If its purpose was just to protect her like the Warhammer's crystal, and she was semi-conscious -- why couldn't she escape it on her own? Is there something unique about the Female Titan? Was it a chrysalis? Has she undergone a metamorphosis?

I'm just glad Annie's back

I really liked it and especially the Annie focus although I expected more from her justifications.

Don't care for her this late in the story tbh it's just a waste of pages

this chapter confirmed that Annie is the best character of SNK !

It was pretty much exactly what I expected, fairly boring and didn’t change my perception of her character at all

This puts so much context on the murders she committed back in the female titan arc and her personality in general. This is so great! Waited forever for this

I especially liked learning Annie's entire backstory, and her interactions with Hitch in this chapter were great.

Lil' Orphan Annie deserves more spinoffs. We need one about her awkward preteen years trying to fit in with the popular girls while continuously kicking them in half by accident.

MY GIRL ANNIE DESERVES MORE.

AFTER CONSIDERING HER STORY, WHICH THOUGHT MOST CLOSELY MATCHES YOUR OWN? 1,410 RESPONSES

There sure was a lot to consider in all Annie said, and the two primary thoughts seem to be a feeling of tragedy that she never felt that anything mattered, and a hope that she’ll see her father again, at 23.7% and 22.6% respectively.

Can't forget what she has caused, but glad she found meaning in life.

I hope she can find peace

I understand her reasoning, but her saying she'd do it all again hurt a lot.

Interesting plot point, but was it really necessary? Kinda felt like forced drama to add this "adoptive child" thing.

Is it wrong to wish for her happiness?

It may mirror Eren's motives. To her, nothing else matters except returning to her father, not even other people's lives. If Eren is intent on protecting his friends, then other lives wouldnt even matter.

It's interesting how seems similar she is to Reiner but how different they actually are. Annie is nihilistic and realistic because the lack of love, Reiner is idealistic and longing for love in a tragic way because he fantasize the love which doesn't exist

Annie has always been, in my opinion at least, one of the most honest characters, and I'm glad we can see that her core hasn't changed (but I’m so happy we can hear her talk and that we are finally getting some character development). Unlike Reiner and Bertolt, Annie never pretended to be friends with the Shinganshina trio, she never acted more nicely than she felt she should. She kept to herself and did what she knew she had to do. But this does not make Annie cold or resilient to atrocities; when she was manipulated by Reiner to take off Marco’s 3D maneuver gear, we can see she doesn’t do it easily and she does show remorse, in spite of everything. All of the SnK characters are tragic, some more than others, and for me, Annie is probably one of the most tragic ones. Adopted, trained to become a killing machine, completely alone with no one to really rely on once she joined the army, Annie goes towards her goal, stripping every bit of romanticism from the notions of peace, good vs bad governments, Marley, Eldia, humanity, etc. Annie does not fight, or pretend to fight, for the greater good; as perceptive as always, she sees the situation for what it is, just like she sees people for who they really are. I hope this brave young woman gets a happy ending with her dad.

DO YOU FIND IT REASONABLE THAT ANNIE HAS BEEN SEMI-CONSCIOUS IN THE CRYSTAL ALL THIS TIME 1,411 RESPONSES

Hitch sure was surprised that Annie had actually been listening to her all that time, but the fandom wasn’t. 86.3% found it reasonable, but 10.7% still aren’t convinced it makes sense.

Considering we had Ms. Tyber being aware of her surroundings in her own crystal, looking back on that it's like "oh yeah that seems legit". Granted I'm sure Ms. Tyber had practiced the technic to use it in battle proficiently. But it doesn't seem too out there for Annie to be at least semi-conscious

Honestly no. But this story has people transforming into giant monsters so I can't really complain.

I find hard to believe she is not crazy. Being unable to move in darkness for 4 years with only voices to keep her company is pretty brutal.

I'm wondering how her body condition is near to normal.

It reminds me of ymir being a mindless titan for 60 years

Wall titans also seemed to be semi conscious if I remember the original scene with eye movement and fear of light energizing them.

P A T H S

ANNIE WAS COVERED WITH SOME SORT OF FLUID THAT DOESN’T SEEM TO BE EVAPORATING. WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS? 1,408 RESPONSES

We ended last chapter on Annie in a pool of this liquid, and this time we see Hitch follow it to where Annie is. But… what is it? 66.2% think it has something to do with the crystal’s hardening, 15.2% DO NOT want that knowledge, and 11.6% think it’s a human bodily fluid.

A fluid to keep her alive (something like the lcl in evangelion)

Amniotic fluid is the warm, fluid cushion that protects and supports your baby as they grow in the womb.

a liquid that makes her body hibernate so she can stay alive

I think it's a weakened form of the hardening. Perhaps it was also this fluid around the creature in the well from Ymir's backstory.

If I recall correctly, some crystals do have water in the form of “hydrates” so in theory, the fluid in Annie’s crystal is what kept her alive by supplying nutrients and and water to her body. Because of this, the fluid may have possibly come from Annie’s Titan as it formed the crystal around her.

amniotic fluid - some unique property of the Female Titan

Tears of readers who waited too fucking long for Annie to break through

Armin juice

WHERE DO YOU THINK HITCH AND ANNIE ARE HEADING? 1,408 RESPONSES

So many groups in so many places! Where is this one going to end up? A little over half, at 55.9% think they’ll run into another group before they get to a specific destination, about a quarter at 23.4% think Shiganshina, and 19.2% think the port.

Following the Colossal Titans

Honestly it was very reckless of hitch to let Annie go. If she causes more trouble for Paradis then what will she do

Based on them leaving Stohess in the same direction as the colossal titans it is likely they will pass through Trost. They will continue south towards Shiganshina and maybe the port but on the way they will likely run into Hange, Levi, Pieck and Magath, or Connie, Falco, Armin and Gabi.

Kiyomi's plane

Marley, to Annie’s father

To Historia

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE STATE OF THE ELDIANS IN LIBERIO? 1,399 RESPONSES

We jump across the ocean, only to find Mr. Leonhart starting a rebellion in Liberio! About half feel there’s going to be an absolute bloodbath, 32% are glad they’re finally rising up, 11% are focused on Mr. Leonhart being a badass, and 6.1% are scratching their heads as to how this is relevant.

I feel it's setting up for eldians in all internment zones rising up, although i don't know what significance that would hold if they're gonna be flattened like pancakes anyway

I'm actually glad because while I have still and always despised the Warriors, Annie's dad felt relatable to me, good to see non-powered, regular citizens rise up against the enemy

Isayama stop trying to be clever with names is there a single part of this series you haven't put thought into?

It is rather unsettling to see since it all seems to head towards a massacre although the reactions of the Eldians are understandable and sound.

It makes sense why they'd rise up: they know what's coming, and they just want to get to safety. After all, they should be spared from the Rumbling because of their race. As expected of the Marleyans though, they won't listen to the Liberio Eldians' current plea, and it will surely cost them (the Marleyans).

The Marleyans are comically dumb it's not even funny; I mean why would they orchestrate a revolt now

This was Eren's plan all along, he wants Eldians everywhere to rebel under the threat of the wall titans.

Why should we care about what happens to anyone outside the Walls? This scene was totally unnecessary.

Worldwide Eldian Rebellion I am excited

I'm worried about them! :(

WILL MR. LEONHART SURVIVED THE SCUFFLE WITH THE GATE GUARD? 1,408 RESPONSES

A somewhat interesting split here; though most responders think there’s more to come with Annie’s father and being killed by the gate guard wouldn’t be the right way for him to go, especially with unfinished business with his daughter. The next highest response was ‘I am not sure’ followed by ‘No he won’t survive’ with a still respectable 24.7% of the vote. One to keep an eye on, here.

Weird that she wants to return home so much just because her dad was nice to her for a few minutes (he's been torturing her all her life).

It had some very much needed character development for A LOT of characters. I can't wait to see how certain plot points like Connie's mom and Annie's wish to see her dad will be resolved.

I saw some parallels between Mr. Leonhard vs. the guards and volunteers vs. Floch. Anarchy reigns; power struggles everywhere, yay! I want to see Mr. Leonhart leading a rebellion. I want to see Eldians all over the globe rising up and busting out of internment zones. Also - we got an entire Annie backstory and it answered NONE of my questions about the crystal. If its purpose was just to protect her like the Warhammer's crystal, and she was semi-conscious -- why couldn't she escape it on her own? Is there something unique about the Female Titan? Was it a chrysalis? Has she undergone a metamorphosis? Will it even matter if Ymir is freed from her sand slavery and refuses to transform any more titans? Still -- it's interesting that Annie was adopted, and I have to wonder if her lineage is important. Final thought: I'm growing tired of Isayama sidelining people by having them unconscious/uncommunicative. I get why he may want to render some characters unable to affect the plot at certain points but 'unconscious' is his go-to and I'm losing patience with it. Okay, Historia got stuck with 'pregnant' but I lost patience with that ages ago. Wake up already, Reiner. Say something, Levi. At least Falco's awake again. And Annie, for the love of Eldia, please explain your crystal.

Speaking of Mr. Leonhart, he may be crippled and defeseless against the Marleyan guards, but at least he wasn't swayed by fatalism against his current government unlike Jean/Armin.

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF KEITH’S ADVICE TO THE TRAINING CORPS MEMBERS? 1,394 RESPONSES

Instructor Shadis is still instructing, and 46.1% of you are still chanting SHADIS THE CHADIS. 23.5% loved his advice, 16.5% enjoyed the callback to being a bystander, and 12.1% wish he’d encouraged them to rise up.

Foreshadowing that they‘ll overthrow Eren and Floche.

He gives up too easily. I don't like this.

I'm glad he told them not to fight the Yeagerists but for the wrong reasons

Shadis doesn't want them to risk their lives, understandable, but giving Floch&Co time to gain even more power is not a good idea.

He's being smart and cautious because they've had enough losses for now

By far the best piece of advice he could have given them. Not is it only the most reasonable thing to do in the current situation, but it also goes to show how much Shadis values life and how well, thanks to his experience, he can see what the future might bring. When he thought fighting was a viable option, he wanted the trainees and soldiers alike to dedicate their hearts (and he dedicated his own as well), but now when he sees that they’re clearly getting overpowered and that any form of resistance would inevitably lead to death, he advises them to stay put, but not lose sight of themselves. That’s what a good leader/ elder/ parent does. Despite the fact that he failed as commander and that he was usually the only one to come back from his missions outside the walls, he shows that he has learned a lot and can strategize and draw the right moves. And it even reminded me of Levi, this desire to not waste lives. And Shadis is special, I just wish he’d realize that along with many others. Unfortunately, a very underrated character.

I am hyped to see these characters actually amount to something because of chadis!

A giant death flag.

WAS ARMIN IN THE RIGHT TO RAISE HIS VOICE AT MIKASA? 1,402 RESPONSES

Armin has returned to being shell-shocked like he was in Shiganshina, and he took it out on Mikasa, but was he justified? Just over half don’t think he was justified, but don’t blame him for snapping. 23.9% believe it was the right choice to try to make her more independent. The last two options are tied at 10.3%, saying he was completely in the wrong, and the other saying he was justified in that Mikasa needs to focus on more than Eren.

Armin has been the one others rely for guidance, however at this point he seems stressed and probably over thinking (when he refers back to Erwin).

Armin just reached his breaking point. So much has happened in one day, and he needed to rant.

Asking ANYONE to stop thinking about Eren right now is pointless, let alone Mikasa. He was wrong, but stressed out.

Both. She needs to be encouraged to make her own decisions, but he didn't need to be mean about it. She has always been nice to him.

Feel like many are misunderstanding mikasa's comment about eren. He is the biggest concern so why shouldn't she mention him? Personally I don't think she was still in eren obsessed mode.

That's a complex question. Everyone is stressed right now, especially Armin, feeling guilty for being brought back and feels so much weight on his shoulder to be a leader so to say. So it reasonable for him to yell and it might spark something in Mikasa as well.

Armin needs a nap, a warm bath, and a foot rub.

WILL MIKASA START ‘THINKING FOR HERSELF’ NOW, AS ARMIN SUGGESTED? 1,395 RESPONSES

Mikasa’s character development is being pushed to its tipping point now, will Armin’s words make her start thinking for herself? The majority, at 56.3% think that leadership isn’t her style, but she’ll step up and support what she feels is right. 18.6% feel that she’s already made the step into thinking for herself, and the last two options are split at 11.3% between a full ‘yes she’ll finally step up’, and a full ‘she’s always thought for herself.’

Armin: think for yourself! Mikasa: Where is my scarf?

Hopefully, I want to see more independence. Assertive and confident in her actions.

I don't know if she'll able to think for herself. maybe she will do something, but I guess whatever she will do on her own, I don't want to expect much from her. Anyway I have the feeling that Mikasa's own decision could be that she accepts Kiyomi's offer and leaves Paradis because the whole situation is obviously killing her.

I hope Isayama has something special planned for Mikasa's development

Mikasa has always thought for herself. She’s never been a leader, but she’s always followed her own hearts desires. Nobody knows what to do and for once it was actually reasonable for her to ask about eren, given what he’s about to do to the world.

Mikasa isn't wrong to look to Armin for leadership, but when she brings up the elephant in the room, he flies off the handle at her. But ultimately, I think that Armin is right. She'll have to make decisions based off her own judgement and I'm excited for it.

I kinda doubt that. She went to Jean, because Armin told her so and I don't think that she would do anything in the situation between Jean, Floch and the Volunteers. If she would be able someday to make her own decision, I'll think that could be to do with Kiyomi's offer to go on one of her ships, but we will see.

I think she will be an impromptu leader, similarly to what she did at Trost after eren got eaten by the santa titan

Mikasa did nothing wrong, she tried to take advice instead to run somewhere else like Connie or give up like Jean.

Yes she’ll become more independent. I think itll lead to “see u later eren”

AT THIS POINT, ARMIN STILL THINKS ERWIN WAS A BETTER CHOICE TO REVIVE. DO YOU? 1,391 RESPONSES

The question of whether Armin or Erwin should have been revived in Shiganshina proves to be one of the most contentious issues in the series, nearly on par with when we asked you guys what you think of Eren’s (stated) plan. 52.2% of you are Team Erwin, and 47.8% are Team Armin. Regrettably, I can’t make a good joke out of either of those numbers.

I've said it before, but I think Armin was the best person to revive from a story telling point of view. Erwin was the better leader, no doubts there, but it is the lack of him that has pushed all these other characters to develop more. I believe the relationships between characters and the characters themselves would've remained more static if he had still been there. So therefore, Armin was the right choice

Erwin wouldn't have let any of this happen

WHO TOOK THE SCARF? 1,403 RESPONSES

There could only ever be one winner of this question; given the girls fandom of Eren in general and Mikasa in particular, 72.5% of you picked Louise as the scarf thief, particularly since she knew it was there and gave it a look after Mikasa left. The next highest answer was Eren having sent someone to retrieve it, at 13.8%, followed by ‘someone else at 9.1%, with Floch and Jean respectively taking up other minor answers. I look forward to the questions in the future of why the scarf was taken, and how will it affect the story?

Oh, and Louise definitely has the scarf. I think there will be a confrontation over it and Mikasa will Realise Things, so that's cool.

Louise totally stole that scarf.

WHICH NAME IS BETTER? 1,395 RESPONSES

808 of 1,395 of you came out to represent Gabi Gang, while the remaining 587 of you like Mia better. Mia Myriad? Eh. Mia Myriad’s weird. I like Gabi Gang better.

WHAT'S UP WITH JEAN WHEN FLOCH IS TALKING TO HIM? 1,399 RESPONSES

Floch tells Jean he can finally have the life he always wanted, what was Jean feeling at that moment? 40.5% think he was just totally shell-shocked, 30.4% think he;s faking weakness for a plan, 16.4% think he had an epiphany about Eren based on what Floch said, and 10.7% believe him to be considering what Floch has to say.

Definitely debating whether or not to kick his head in-- once he's decided I think he'll pounce

he has been asking over and over for how long they would have to keep fighting. So Floch telling him is over has a great effect on him. Although he will chose to keep fighting.

He is bothered that the Yeagerists consider him a “hero”

He is in disbelief over how AWFUL Floch is and once his brain processes it he will snap and punch the bastard in the face

He's both in shell shock and trying to fake weakness.

I think he's coming up with some sort of plan to finally rid the world of Floch.

Jean looks so tired in these panels, as in physically tired and mentally. He probably wants this all to be over, and Floch is giving him a way out. But Jean has come too far to give up, I think, so I hope he turns his brain back on.

ARE THE ROCKS THAT GO MISSING WHEN FLOCH TURNS HIS HEAD AN ARTISTIC OVERSIGHT OR DOES IT HAVE FUTURE SIGNIFICANCE? 1,406 RESPONSES

THE ROCKS ARE GONE. About half of the fandom, at 46.2% are pretty sure Jean pocketed them to use as a weapon. 29.7% did not notice the disappearance, and 24.2% think it’s just Isayama overlooking an inconsistency.

Bitch boutta throw some rocks

I hope Jean can something do too otherwise the Volunteers would get forced to fight for Eren and to help him destroying their own motherlands (oof) or get killed. I hope the theory about the pocket rocks get relevant and true in the next chapters

Floch be a bitch with a nest boutta get moulded by rocks

Getting ready to bash floch

there was a gun next to him and then it was gone. The boy boutta blooooow

FLOCH CLAIMS THAT EREN TOLD HIM THE ENTIRE PLAN. IS HE TELLING THE TRUTH? 1,399 RESPONSES

Eren doesn’t seem to have confided his plan in anyone, but Floch says otherwise. 60% confess Eren likely told him a fair bit, but not everything, 32.9% think Floch’s just BSing his way through things to look better, and 5.6% truly believe Eren told Floch everything.

Eren is the only one who knows his true plan, anyone that claims to know what Eren is doing was just a pawn that Eren used.

Eren probably forgot who Floch even is

Considering how Eren is acting now, I fear he did tell him everything after seeing his extremism.

Floch believes Eren told him everything, but he probably didn't.

floch is an arrogant bitch who thinks eren and him are best buds

I mean, the plan so far seems to be 'let's retrieve Zeke, overthrow the government and unleash the Rumbling', so why won't he tell Floch all of it? He seems to be fully on board. If there is more to the plan, then Floch doesn't know it.

I'm still not sure how much of Eren's betrayal of Zeke he was in on, but I'm damn sure Eren didn't task him with any 'removing internal resentment' job.

Jean knows he has more of Eren's trust than Floch does. From this, Jean figured out either Floch is lying for his own gains, or is being used by Eren.

Floch is just a dumbass and Eren is using him to get the necessary pieces into place without him doing it all himself

Something tells me Floch actually just overheard Yelena talking with Eren about Zeke's plan during the railway opening ceremony. I could've sworn that in the chapter Floch mentioned that he "heard" Eren's plan, and the way he uses that word gives me the impression he only listened to parts of what Yelena told Eren without knowing what Eren's ulterior motive was when learning Zeke's plan.

That’s certainly what he *thinks*

Eren is manipulating Floch's ass six ways to sunday and I'm here for it

WHO DO YOU THINK WILL BE THE ONE TO TAKE DOWN FLOCH? 1,398 RESPONSES

From previous polls, Floch seems like a popular choice to die next, but who would do it? Nearly ¾ of that fandom believe Jean will end him, though 6.5% don’t believe Floch’s dying anytime soon. Eren, Mikasa, Shadis, and Yelena were other popular options.

Could be anyone at this point, really. Would be cool if it was just some random volunteer and the death would be meaningless.

Better not be anyone, Floch is making way more sense than Armin

Armin

I hope no one does, he's the most entertaining character at the moment

I really hope all of the above and I hope it'll be a gruesome death.

King Floch is the father and will outlive the rest of the 104th.

Let him be squashed under a Titan foot, pls

Nobody, Floch will be the only survivor of the rumbling

HISTORIA! QUEEN!!!! How is the rightful ruler of Eldia not a choice here?!

I hope he doesn't die at least next chapter, because him dying is too predictable. But if he does it should be Jean.

I HOPE IT'S EITHER LEVI OR HANGE. But I think it's probably going to be Jean.

I think floch is going to have an utterlessly meaningless death. Just to show the irony that surviving that day didn't change shit.

I think since he survived on pure luck and destiny up until now, I could imagine his death will be more by accident or by unfortunate circumstance then someone else succeeding to kill him

SHADIS THE CHADIS no but actually probably Yelena or Mikasa.

The 109th Recruits

Onyankopon, Jean and Mikasa, I hope.

Who knows. Hope he dies.

ZEKE JAEGER

Isayama

It'll be a team effort

CONNIE AND FALCO ARE EN ROUTE TO RAGAKO. WHAT DO YOU THINK THE OUTCOME WILL BE? 1,398 RESPONSES

Bets for the Return to Ragako arc are placed, and the majority (~43%) of you think that the overwhelming scent of cinnamon wafting from Falco will entice Connie to spare him. Not far behind, with 30.5% of the votes, is the prediction that Armin and Gabi will swoop in and save the day. The next most popular option was Falco feeling the sudden urge to die for Reiner, causing him to transform and escape. Following that was Falco realizing his predicament without getting his memories back, and after that, a very small amount of you guys (18), think Falco’s gonna get chomped.

Connie finna die

I can't think of how bringing back Connies mom will save Reiners life, so it won't happen.

Is it weird that I think Connie's mom has already turned back to human?

WHICH UNLIKELY TEAM-UP IS THE MOST EXCITING? 1,391 RESPONSES

An overwhelming majority of you guys are most excited to see the Magath/Pieck/Hange/Levi squad team up, while the distant runner-up is Hitch/Annie, followed by Armin/Gabi, and then Connie/Falco. I can’t imagine why Connie/Falco got the least votes here.

WHICH TEAM, IF ANY, DO YOU THINK WILL MEET WITH HISTORIA? 1,384 RESPONSES

With a 31.6% majority, the… quad...duo… quaduo? That’s definitely not a word but it should be, technical definition pending. What I’m trying to say is that Team Magath/Pieck/Hange/Levi got the most votes for “Who’s going to meet up with Historia?” Following that was… uh, nobody. As in the next most common answer is “nobody”. You guys are not making this write-up easy for me. After that was Team Hitch/Annie, followed by Armin/Gabi, and then Connie/Falco. The graph is proportional enough that you can see all the percentages, so that’s cool.

Historia is the key to ending this story and getting all the context we need. Which means we probably won’t see her again for awhile.

SLEEPING THROUGH THE APOCALYPSE. WHO DID IT BETTER? 1,399 RESPONSES

We didn’t ask for a reason behind this selection, but Reiner’s rather ill-timed cozy cottage snooze (58.5%) trounced Levi’s “return of the mummy” slumber (41.5%). Maybe it was the appeal of the fruit and snacks?

DO YOU THINK LEVI WILL BE ABLE TO PARTICIPATE IN THE UPCOMING BATTLE? 1,400 RESPONSES

Nearly 60% of you think Levi will recover enough to encourage the others to fight, 20% think he’ll recover enough to fight, and 15.3% think he’ll be unconscious for awhile. The white space on the graph is what happens when there are too many single-voter responses, but we can read them behind the scenes, and one of them suggested that we’re about to learn how titan serum affects Ackermans, and I just want to say that I appreciate your devotion to Titan Science™, anon.

TITAN LEVI INC

Crack theory: he‘ll eat Zeke after Zeke offers himself up because he lost his will to live. So yes, he‘ll be fully healed and badass again.

He is going to become a shifter by eating Zeke with the cooperation of Pieck/Magath, fulfilling his promise to Erwin.

He won't be recovering but he'll fight all the same, with his teeth if necessary

He'll recover enough to make one last heroic action before dying

I don't really know. I hope he can still fight. I think Isayama-sensei didn't let Levi live to be a useless soldier.

i don’t want him to participate. i just want him alive

I think that Levi will not be able to fight, but he'll be awake, and I'd like to him take on a mentorship role. I would love to see him make a full recovery by the time the manga concludes.

Some unforeseen magic will happen

HAS THIS CHAPTER AFFECTED YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT THE RUMBLING? 1,385 RESPONSES

The destruction on the ground, Floch’s reign of terror, and the 104th’s horror at what’s unfolding seems to have shaken some in the fandom with one quarter of respondents indicating that their support has lessened somewhat (20.6%) or significantly (5.7%). The remaining 75% are staying the course with close to 40% completely opposed to the rumbling and 35% in full support of it.

HAS THIS CHAPTER AFFECTED YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT EREN? 1,387 RESPONSES

The responses here are about what we might expect; a fairly even split between those who support Eren fully (or at least think he’s got some mysterious ace up his sleeve) and those that do not support him/are losing faith in him. Interestingly, the smallest response was from those who have lost a significant amount of faith in Eren, indicating the battle lines are still drawn at this point.

Eren did nothing wrong

Eren Yeager is GOD! Bow Down!

We're left in the dark of what Eren is really planning and so I can't judge this consequence too much. It is very extreme and I'm skeptical of it all.

Another aspect of the continual violence and really justifies Eren's position.

The inner fighting among themselves is going to get worse and they all will turn on Eren.

They should support eren, and the yeagerists, not plan to overthrow them

I DONT GET WHAT IS EREN TRYING TO DO? How is he gonna claim he wants to protect his people then end up killing him ??

I hope that among his friends there are on the eren side, eren's decision was correct, although it was too cruel, but it was all for the people he loved. why his friends no one sided eren , I'm sad to think about it.

I love eren but :(

AT THIS POINT, AROUND WHICH CHAPTER DO YOU EXPECT THE MANGA WILL CONCLUDE? 1,406 RESPONSES

As much as I hate to think about the end of the manga, and the subsequent never-ending feud over the serum bowl and the Rumbling, we’re bound to become the next NGE at some point. It can’t be stopped. The majority, at 45.7%, think we have until around Chapter 134, which gives us about nine more months. Following that, 30.2%, think we have until Chapter 138, which gives us more than a year. A lesser but still significant quantity of votes say we have until Chapter 142+, and I feel a little bit like the Vince McMahon meme typing this. You know the one. Lastly, 8.7% of you think there are only 5 chapters left. Why anyone would even entertain such an idea is beyond me.

WHAT ARE YOU MOST HOPING TO SEE NEXT CHAPTER? 1,409 RESPONSES

Wow! A huge split of opinion here regarding hopes for next chapter, as might be expected; but out in front with 27.8% of the vote is a wish to see more Hange, Levi, Pieck and Magath; no doubt because we haven’t seen them for a while. Coming up in second place is Jean and Mikasa, with a number of fans hoping they will fight back against Floch. And of course, third place is the everpresent wish to see Historia once more. What on Earth is she up to???

Historia hopefully

A solid chapter with a lot of great character development. Who wants to bet that Connie and Falco are going to run into Historia at Ragako?

Give me Historia

Jean has an epiphany about himself and Eren's actions (since Floch is Eren's fanboy, like Jean was to a certain degree))

Jean and Floch will fight!

If Floch doesn't make Jean react, I don't know who else will. Their relationship has always been complex, so it would be beautiful to see Jean killing him. But as long as it's not a Jaeger, I'll be fine.

I can’t help but feel that there was something odd about the way Hange spoke about Levi to Magath and Pieck. “Rest assured, he’s just a harmless man who failed to die”. Harmless? Levi? Really? And Hange doesn’t speak like that, so to me this looks like strategizing and covering something up. I don’t think Levi is 100% okay, far from, but I don’t think he’s on the verge of death. And even if Levi will physically be unable to fight, he still isn’t harmless. He wasn’t dubbed Humanity’s Strongest only for his physical strength; Levi is smart, he’s an excellent leader, he’s compassionate and experienced. So, even if we don’t see him engage in fights as a soldier, I believe we will get to see him devise plans and strategies, negotiate, etc. After all, we still don’t know what the Ackermans are capable of. We know they have superhuman strength, so I believe we’re all in for a surprise (or not so much of a surprise) when it comes to Levi. He’s played an enormous part in the story already, but his story isn’t over. Best boi love him yes.

I hope he can still fight. I think Isayama-sensei didn't let Levi live to be a useless soldier.

All aboard the ship! Ms. HanjiXMagath is setting sail! (???)

HISTORIA BACKSTORY, OR I WILL END THIS WORLD

WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 1,328 RESPONSES

Reddit continues to dominate the responses to this question, and this month there were literally more people who don’t discuss the series than people who discuss it on Tumblr. A direct consequence of banning Titan-presenting nipples, surely. Lastly, something ominous is going on in the Snapchat cult, because there were only two of you this month, down from five last month. That’s still enough to reproduce though and it makes me uneasy. Regardless of where or whether you discuss the series though, we appreciate all of you guys’ participation in the poll. We literally couldn’t do it without you!

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE CHAPTER?

hE dID nOtHing wrOnG

I mean it's not like Eren could be like "wait while you're breaking out of the wall, can ya be clean about it?" but also....yeahhhhh umm I'm not positive that Eren cares for the majority of Paradisians

Petra's death still burns... Yet I can't really hate Annie.

[Annie’s] story kinda looks like a copypasta of Zeke's but I'm glad it's established she doesn't care for her grand goal and would sacrifice everything to achieve hers if it needs to be brought again

I feel for the wall Titans, they've been conscious for the last century, just chilling there.

Isayama couldn't have made the parallel between Annie and Eren any more blatant if he tried.

I don't know why people are so surprised with Eren being in cahoots with Floch. He is already killing billions to secure peace for Paradis, installing an authoritarian government for the same reason is not unlike him. He already said, he is going to take the freedom from people if they threaten his even innocents.

0/10 no Reiner. jk, the chapter may not have "action" per se, but i love the focus on how the rumbling affects all the characters, including the eldians in the camps. also, all the pairings are really interesting. i hope the HLMP combo leads to good things for the future. i wonder if Armin & Gabi'll talk, and whether she'll learn that he is the Colossus titan, or if she'll catch onto Reiner's great familiarity with these people…

another average chapter in SNK standards (awesome in manga standards)

Another set-up chapter - would be good to see some major events occur to keep the momentum going. Also want Eren/Zeke POVs

After 10 months of wondering where Levi was and if he was alive, i fully sympathise with Annie stans, who had to wait the better part of a decade. But I'm glad to know Levi's alive for now.

Seeing almost everyone other than the Jeager brothers was so damn fresh. Now everyone's gotta work together to stop the total downer ending.

Felt like this a needed chapter to see where all the characters’ directions are headed. Whether we see more compromise or more tension between characters. It creates more anticipation and excitement for what’s to become of Eren and his plan.

Isayama been sleepin on some important characters 💤

Very interesting seeing so many different perspectives, if only we could get Historia some day

Great chapter. But if hange teams up with Pieck and Magath I am going to be very disappointed. They have no reason to rely on the the people who have been trying to exterminate them for years. I get they need to stop eren but they cant let forget the atrocities Marley has done to them. Regroup with the rest and figure out another goddman way.

A very interesting chapter. I fully expect an emotional outburst from Mikasa any time now. Maybe directed at Eren himself.

aaahh I just want Zeke

Give me Eren

Give me Historia

How the hell will Isayama cover all these separated smol groups in only 12 chapters??? Can he rly end the manga this year cos I have doubts!

All pieces are on the move, time to wrap things up, Isayama-sensei! Though I don't see any way to stop Eren, unless they maybe use Historia and her royal blood? Can't wait to see how Isayama will solve all of this.

I love the setting of the rumbling as a slow moving mass of dust and meat that we’re all powerless to stop. I love how we’ve seen it from the perspective of people on the receiving end of the destruction, from people that support it and most of all, people who would never support it but are still benefiting from it. Regardless, none of them could stop even if they wanted too. It makes the issue seem so much more real.

Annie is pretty much like Eren right now, knowingly doing terrible things for the people they care about, both have accepted the cruelty of the world and acted accordingly and is not like the world has given them reasons to think otherwise. But this mentality has only brought pain and suffering around them and to themselves, I hope in the end she changes her outlook in life and finally goes against the "current" of the way things are as she described and do the right thing.

Annie needs to get Armins head out of his ass. Floch was executing people next to his friends and he just runs off wtf

I DONT GET WHAT IS EREN TRYING TO DO? How is he gonna claim he wants to protect his people then end up killing him ??

Armin did nothing wrong. I've seen people complaining about he "yelling with waifu" and even comparing with Eren, even tho what Eren did was totally intentional, while Armin wasn't he didn't mean to hurt her, he snapped under stress, but when he saw he hurt her he regretted so much that even brought Erwin to the picture. But apparently his feeling and emotions are nothing compared with Mikasa's...

Armin made the right choice to go after Falco. His strategy is to ally with the Warriors and Marley. His tactic is to use Falco as barter. It is the best move he can make with the situation as it is. If he succeeds he gains Connie back in the fold, Falco, Gabi, Reiner, Pieck, and Magath. This type of quality help will raise morale and lessen the pressure that everyone feels. Hopefully they work as a team and communicate with each other. Don’t be like Eren who has no fog of war because he knows how it ends and, yet, doesn’t tell anybody about it.

As long as the rest of the world is unwilling to negotiate peacefully I’m not sure what other options were on the table. Obviously eren’s actions are irredeemable, but I feel that he’ll have the same sentiment Annie expressed: if this is the only way his friends make it out alive then he’d choose this path every time. I don’t think all of the blame is on eren(though he is still responsible for his own actions). Every side played a role in this and it should have never come to this to begin with.

I really appreciated the scenes with Armin, Mikasa, and Jean. The rumbling is a world-changing/ reality altering event and Armin said as much, but I'm really hoping these three can manage to salvage some peace for themselves despite the chaos.I think Eren has already accepted his own mortality re: the Curse of Ymir and has fully resigned himself to doing whatever he deems necessary for Paradis, I'm interested to see his end. I also enjoyed seeing Levi and Hange, I never doubted their survival; it also might be a further indication that Floch is BS'ing his way with his power grab when he said that they were killed...This series is excellent.

Wake up already, Reiner. Say something, Levi. At least Falco's awake again. And Annie, for the love of Eldia, please explain your crystal.

Can't wait to see Jean snap at Floch

It was great but isayama please let us see eren...

I just really hope Connie doesn't die but I'm not feeling too optimistic... I can't believe Annie's back and I'm really looking forward to whatever her and Hitch do next.

The reaction to the Armin and Mikasa scene initially drove me up the wall, because people's readings of Mikasa are just so fucking bad--she's literally right??? LMAO. Mikasa and the 104th have always followed Armin's guidance, so she isn't even wrong when she asks how to make herself useful. But the reaction to her question about Eren is just...

Levi surviving the thunderspear was bullshit. Hopefully he stays permanently injured and not overpowered again. Isayama give us Historia please. I hope we get to see my baby Reiner wake up next chapter. I wish that Reiner and Annie meet again please

I got emotional when Falco was starting to "remember" Connie. While Sasha's scenes after her death could have been written better, every time I see a Ymir reference, something interesting happens. We need to remember best girl, and finally we get to see that Connie was an important comrade of hers.

I hope Connie makes the right choices, my boy has suffered enough!

It somehow gave positive vibes despite the apocalyptic setting, and I was extremely happy we got to see almost everyone again.

I want to see more about what happened to Ymir Fritz after she gained her freedom.

I'm glad Levi is ok but i gotta know: how is he able to breathe when HIS ENTIRE FACE HAS BEEN BANDAGED UP

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fiiiiiiiiiine

Lame ass chapter, everything feels pointless and forced and the ambiguity and moral grayness of the story is gone.

Levi has to give meaning to those deaths. It's what will give peace to his heart. He deserves to fight one last time.

mikasa let me hug you and protect you

Can we agree Keith is badass? He advised trainees to not lose themselves despite the government. It's such a stark contrast with Floch in this chapter. He was so traumatized by his first mission as a SC, losing his comrades, watching them die meaningless deaths and seeing the SC fighting over who should be lived other than the commander. As he shot that voluteer he made it clear he casted his values aside for survival. In the end he learned they were just as meaningless as Marlowe's death.

More Yelena pls

This chapter was a lot of scenes I had been waiting for put together. We had Annie and Hitch interaction, an update on Connie and Falco, Gabi and Armin now heading their way, and Levi and Hange are finally back. Now all we need is Historia. The wait for her stopped being funny a LONG time ago...Actually scratch that, it wasn't funny to begin with. 😒

Levi is alive bitches

Really glad it's not all wrapping up with Eren activating the rumbling. Seeing how everyone is handling the chaos has been incredible. I was telling my friends that I honestly don't think the final battle will be against Eren. It's just everyone versus the pure chaos of the situation. I don't see Eren getting beat

The EMA trio was never my favorite, but it still kinda hurt to see them all split up.

The Erwin references were amazing!! Both in the manga and the end text!!

With all these relatively slow-paced, character-driven chapters recently, it seems as if the ending will be very rushed. I have faith in Isayama’s writing skills, but I just hope he will be able to pull off an ending that will do justice to all these wonderful characters he has built up, while rounding out the plot in a satisfying way. This story, in my opinion, is a masterpiece so far - and an ending could either make or break it at this point. Either way, I look forward to seeing the coming chapters very much.

Where is Kiyomi ? (2nd edition)

#snk polls #snk poll #snk 125 #snk chapter polls

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19possums-blog · 6 years ago

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On tianshan relationship and their fandom, i guess ?

hello there @nightfayre !! Im the 5asks anon lol (the one abt the last chapter of tianshan). I wanted to thank you for your answer and continue to rant in your askbox but i figured it was so long that mb it would crash ur box lmao, so I... kind of created a blog..... hm. well theres no bad reasons to create an account is there lol ?? (also is there no way to send a long ask ?? why is it so limited :(( )

So once again thank you for anwser, and what an answer ! You raised many points i didnt think about and that was very interesting. I knew i would be glad to hear your thoughts ! the rest under a read more coz i think its going to be looong lol

(( To do a sort of disclaimer : I despise fandom discourse and im more of the mentality “let ppl enjoy what they want as long as it dont hurt real life ppl”, and “dont like dont interact”. So everything im going to say is not an attack against anyone, but just a way of prolonging a manhwa that i like. Most of all, i want to emphasize that at the end of the day, its just a manhwa : it doesnt justify being mean or aggressive towards other real life ppl. If you find yourself raging while reading fandom wank, just stop reading, block, and go outside a little. My way of enjoying the manhwa is to be analytical, to criticize (positively and negatively) and to look at the material source as well as the fandom in itself ; if its (understandably lol) not your definition of fun, this post may not be for you !))

Ur totally right in saying that the hardest thing is separate morality, reality and fiction. I hope my asks didn't come across as a 'u shouldnt like tianshan bc its not morally good'. There is a lot of puritan push back on tumblr lately, and im totally against it. Everyone is free to like/ship what they want ; reading only ‘morally good’ literature wont prevent you to become a nasty person - i would argue itd be the exact opposite, as your spirit wont be trained to think critically or to evaluate a situation (and every situations is always grey) by your own means. Also, its important to separate fantasies/what you like to read and who you are/what you do. To be embarrassingly honest, and like many people, one of my sexual fantasy is rape ; but in my real life, im in a queer anarchist collective that actively fights against rape culture and defends rape victims. That is why i dont have a problem with SheLI/Mo shippers (or even HeCheng/SheLi shippers) even if its not my cup of tea, but i would have a problem if in real life (irl) ppl would say to irl Mo that irl SL is good for him (or if they wouldnt find it wrong that a irl 30yo Cheng is involved wt an irl 15yo Li). I digress.

But then again this confusion about fiction/reality/morality is at the core of the tianshan fandom -and many fandoms. I dont know about you, but i grossly see 3 types of ‘trends’ depending on how ppl interact with the source material :

1.The ones who think you cant like something while being critical of it. I love 19 days but I think there are flaws in it, beyond tianshan dynamic (like how OX handles the transition between funny and dramatic moments –I think its badly done). It doesn’t mean I personally hate OX and wish harm to their family oc. Worse than this, the ones who, because they dont like certain things in 19 days, feel free to harass OX on their social media. Here its a confusion between fiction and reality and a lack of critical thinking.

2. the ones that loves Tianshan because they think it fits the trope “Dark, handsome, tortured violent boy who is violent towards fragile, sweet, pure cute boy because he loves him” and the typically associated trope “the pure boy will change the violent boy by the pureness of his heart”. Aka the most common yaoi trope. Again, if it pleases people to see Tianshan like this, good for them and i hope they have a nice time reading 19 days. Lets face it, I love really bad yaoi and books. Its just not how i see tianshan at all, but to each their own. I just have a problem when these ppl insist that its an ok behavior to have in real life and say things like “possessiveness is a proof of love” uncritically (hint : it isnt). For me, its the difference between enjoying fast food (thats okay), and wanting to force everyone to eat fast food and to find it pleasurable (not okay).

3. the ones that think what you like in literature defines who you are, and so in order to be a “good person” you have to only like “morally good litterature” -there are the ones I personally find the more interesting bc they can ask good questions. But alas, in most cases its just puritanism badly disguised and currently they are in all fandoms. Lets not delve into the issue of this statement : what is ‘morally good’ ? who are in the authority to proclaim what is good ? how can you recognize what is ‘morally good’ if you dont see what is ‘morally not good’ ? is it literature’s responsibility to educate its audience ? do literature have to point out “watch out audience what just happened is not okay” as if we were brainless children ? whats more important : what you like reading or what you do irl ? .... Okay i totally delve into this lmao. Here its a confusion between fiction and morality and a rejection of critical thinking : we could say its like when the Catholics prohibited women from reading bc it would pervert them and think of the children).

Returning to the specifics of what we've been talking about : so in this last case, you (generic ‘you’) think that you are a good person ; so you have to read morally good literature. So in this case, fandom isnt just a harmless hobby, but a proof of how you are morally good, imagine the stakes ! But alas, you happen to like 19 days and most specifically tianshan. You said (@nightfayre ) that you judge Tianshan unhealthy as they are now, and i wholeheartedly agree with you, so im not going to discuss why since you already explained it so well. So, what happens when you like a morally not good ship, but you think liking morally dubious things makes you a bad person ? You bent over backwards to explain that, in fact, this ship is morally good, to protect your integrity. And thats why, in 19days fandom since the last chapter (and its the same thing with every chapter where flaws of HT are revealed!), there are many posts going around “hm, in fact, what He Tian did is good ! i know it can seems like hes a violent asshole who dont respect MGS because he punches him, threatens him, and dont listen to him, but hm.... in fact its because he’s nice...” and then they do mental gymnastics to justify what is, obviously, not morally justifiable. And i find its a pity because, my guy, my buddy, nobody is going to throw you tomatoes if you like a morally dubious character, and also bc nothin is morally good ! everybody does what they think is the best in ‘problematic situations’ ! and thats what make life interesting ! and so, 19 days interesting ! The flaws of HT (and MGS) are what drawn ppl to his character, bc it makes him real, its makes him contradictory, we can project ourselves in him, and we can see a complicated character with awesome latent potential. And yes, treating someone like a territory bc you care about them is a flaw lol. (on this subject : i saw ppl saying that its protectiveness and not possession : if you protect someone like you would protect a territory, then its not a healthy protection. you deal with a human whose agency you must respect, contrary to a territory).

MGS and HT are the product of what happen to them in their early childhood and then their adolescence. Like you said, they grow up in a violent, twisted world, where being emotionally distant is the norm. I would even say that they are expected to conform to the standards of (toxic) masculinity : channel all your emotions into anger, caring is being weak and feminine, prove your worth by your physical strength, be in control in all ur relationship, etc. I would say thats why Mo is so hostile towards HT : HT challenges his masculinity, by seducing him (everyone know that the biggest fear of macho men like HT and Mo is being considered gay -_-) and being stronger than him. Lets face it, Mo has kind of a homophobic issue, like all the boys. Between JY who tells HT its disgusting being told hes handsome by a man (at the beginning of the manhwa, i hope by now he had grown out of it), or Mo who tells HT he isnt happy that a guy is on his bed or who desperately wants to prove his heterosexuality by saying he likes all cute girls to his baldy friend... HT is more nuanced, but at the end, when he ‘seduces’ Mo, its always predatory. He doesnt let himself being vulnerable and he aggressively touches Mo even without his consent. For me, its a way of proving his domination, not his interest (and when i say that, i dont mean that HT is not genuinely interested in Mo -just that his actions dont translate this). ZZX is the only one who seems to have a healthy relationship with his masculinity lol, but then hes the healthy one in all aspects (thats why i dont like his character and am not invested in zhanyi, even if irl i would love to be his friend).

With all that being said, oc HT wont know how to adequately express genuine concern and interest in Mo ! This sort of social interactions is not something you just know, its smth you learn. And in HT and Mo’s cases, nobody was there to teach them -we could even say that ppl in their life made them unlearn caring behaviors. So HT does what he does best : he fights and forces, and is surprised when Mo thinks (obviously) HT is evil. And also, like you said, Mo will never be (at least how he is now) a driving force in their relationships bc he will always run away from bonding with ppl. So here we are, HT being the only driving force in their relationship, the same HT who only knows violence. No wonder that their relationship is like this...

As it is, i feel like tianshan is kind of in an impasse right now. One or the other is going to have to evolve if we want to see their relationships changing. Either HT learns how to care without being violent (seems complicated if Mo doesnt challenges him, bc HT isnt going to realize this without feedback since its how he has always functioned), or, more likely, Mo is going to be honest with him and tell him that his behavior is hurting him. Though more probable, I dont see it happening anytime soon : for one, Mo isnt capable of seeing when he is hurting emotionally and what is hurting him ; and also, bc Mo doesnt know any other language than violence, not unlike HT. I think its smth most of the fandom ignore, how violence is smth that HT and MGS both have in common, and how if HT wasnt violent, MGS certainly wouldnt consider him at all.

Anw im excited to see where OX is going with all this ! Like you said, the forced kiss was pivotal to their relationship, so im kind of hoping it would be the same here ! I just hope they wont... do like usual and just put a funny chapter and ignore this latest development.....

OMG i wrote soo much and there is so much i still want to say.... i think im going to do a second post... sorry about the spam lmao

( @nightfayre : i dont know how this site works yet, is @ you alright ? will it show you my post in your notif or should i send an ask ? bc i want you to see my answer, but i dont want you to feel pressurized to respond or interact or anything !! above all dont feel pressurized, i was sad last night when you wrote ‘im sorry to not answer more quicly’ bc you should answer at your own rhythm or not answer ! your blog is a hobby, not an obligation, so dont feel bad to not do more when yo already do much !! )

#19days #19 days #tianshan

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sanders-specs · 7 years ago

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Camp Swan Chapter 3

A/N: Yay we’ve survived another week! Hope everything is going okay for ya. If not then I’m confident it will! Stay strong :) For now let’s delve back into our summer camp adventures.

Warnings: Swearing, homophobic slurs, bullying, intentionally not eating, social anxiety (at least how I understand it. Again, if I get anything wrong feel free to let me know)

Parings: None. Just a flirty Roman

part 1| Previous

tag list: @princeyssash

“Well,” Roman says as the new kid blocked them all out, “he’s going to be a joy to room with, isn’t he?”

Logan sighs. “It seems that we have a troublemaker as a roommate, yes.”

“Now, now, I think he just doesn’t understand how great camp is just yet,” Patton says, speaking for the first time since Virgil ridiculed his favorite place on earth. “Give him some time and he’ll come around.”

“I don’t know,” Roman says doubtfully. “People like him never seem like the type to just ‘come around.’”

“Nevertheless,” Logan says, turning back to his thing to continue unpacking. “We shan’t let Virgil’s negative attitude damper our camp experience. Roman, I understand that this is your third year here, yes?”

“Yep!” Roman says proudly. “Though this is my first time meeting you.”

“Oh you’ll love Lo!” Patton exclaims. “He’s so smart, he knows just about everything.”

“If I knew everything then I would have at least a dozen Nobel Peace Prizes at this point in my life,” Logan says, “as well as a cure for all illnesses. As great as that would be, it is, in fact, false.”

“But you are smart,” Patton says.

“Yes, that is a correct statement.” Logan puts the last of his clothes into his closet and turns to Roman. “I suppose we should get the annoying, frivolous questions out of the way. Why do you enjoy coming to Camp Swan?”

Roman blinked at him, glancing at Patton for help but Patton was just sitting and staring at Roman curiously, like he was wondering the same thing. “I’m not sure I know what you mean.”

“Well for instance,” Logan says, “I come because the particular forest that the camp is located is home to many species of plants that I would not have a chance to study through the rest of the year. I’ve been studying them every year since my first year and have been documenting their changes as our planet’s climate has changed. The camp provides the necessary resources for studying them as well, which is handy.”

“And I’m here because I love it!” Patton exclaims.

“Yes it seems that Patton enjoys the togetherness that Camp Swan brings,” Logan says with a slightly exasperated sigh. “I can’t say I understand, however I don’t judge him for it.”

“So what about you Roman? What does Camp Swan mean to you?” Patton asks.

“Ah,” Roman says, looking as if he understood better. “I come because it gives me a chance to work on all of my talents. Singing, acting, dancing…well okay I’m still working on the dancing part. Plus their equestrian training is fantastic!”

Logan had to admit that he was slightly impressed that Roman knew the word equestrian, though if anyone would be apt at horseback riding, it looked to be Roman. The other boy looked to be in fair shape, with big biceps that strained against his shirt showing that he worked out. Logan could also see through the tight t-shirt that Roman probably had what was known as a toned stomach as well. It distantly occurred to him to wonder just why Roman insisted on wearing clothing that was just a bit too tight. It did not seem comfortable.

“Look I know I’m handsome but you don’t have to stare,” Roman says.

Logan blinks. Had he been staring? He supposed that he must have, if Roman seemed to have thought so. “My apologies,” Logan says. “I was simply wondering why you would not wear better fitting clothes. We are at a camp after all, wouldn’t you want to be as comfortable as possible?”

Roman stared at him for a moment, then burst out laughing. Frowning, Logan looks at Patton who seemed to be trying to hide a smile. “What? What did I say?”

Roman just kept laughing. He clapped a hand on Logan’s shoulder. “Man, Patton said you were smart, he didn’t tell me you were funny too.”

“I was not trying to be,” Logan says, shrugging off Roman’s hand. The other boy didn’t look offended, he just grinned at Logan.

“To me, this is comfortable,” Roman says, showing off his muscles that strained against his clothing. “It’s snug but not too snug, you know?”

Logan sighs and shakes his head. “I do not, but I suppose I will have to take your word for it.”

“Logan likes his facts,” Patton informs Roman. “He likes things to be straightforward.”

“Then I will respect that!” Roman declares, sounding for all the world like a royal. “or try to,” he adds in a calmer voice.

Patton sat on the floor, grabbing one of his nearby plushies and hugging it to his chest. He looks at Virgil, who still had his back to the rest of them, seeming to either not care about the conversation or not hearing it. “Do you think he meant what he said?” Patton wonders aloud. “That his parents hate him?”

“Oh please,” Roman says with a laugh. “Teenagers like him think that world is against them. honestly they’re a pain to deal with.”

Patton frowns. “Well something must make them feel that way.”

“Perhaps,” Logan says, knowing that it was futile to convince Patton of anything less. “However, we cannot force him to tell us anything he does not want to. Nor can we force him to enjoy camp. It will have to be up to him.”

Patton sighs a defeated sigh, but he nods. “You’re right as always Lo.” Patton turns his attention back to the ceiling. “Hey Roman, we haven’t finished the stars!”

“Right,” Roman jumps to his feet, gathering the stars they still had left to stick to the ceiling and walls.

Sighing, Logan turns towards the door. “I’ll get a chair.”

After a few hours, Thomas came back by the room to find Patton, Logan, and Roman all sitting on the ground in the middle of a game of Uno and Virgil lying on his bed, eyes closed and headphones on.

“Hey guys,” Thomas says. He points to Virgil, eyebrows creased. “Why didn’t you invite Virgil to play with you?”

“We did but Dr. Gloom and Doom seems to be too good for us,” Roman says, rolling his eyes dramatically.

Not really knowing what to say to that, Thomas just changes the subject. “O-Okay then. Anyway, the assembly is starting soon so we should all head over.”

The boys all nodded and stopped the game, even though Roman was complaining that he was just about to win (Thomas had seen that he had the most cards out of everyone, but even Roman’s roommates didn’t seem to want to correct him) and the three of them walked past Thomas and into the lounge. Thomas frowns, looking into the room where Virgil was still lying. It didn’t even look like he’d unpacked.

“Aren’t you guys going to get Virgil?” Thomas asks.

“He made it very clear that he wants nothing to do with us and to leave him alone,” Logan says matter-of-factly. “We are simply answering his request.”

Thomas frowns disapprovingly at them and looks at Patton. The more kind-hearted boy shifted uncomfortably on his feet, avoiding Thomas’s gaze. It was clear that he felt guilty, but the fact that he wasn’t countering Logan’s statement meant that he agreed.

Thomas sighs, putting his hands on his hips. “Look guys, we’re not going to get anywhere this summer if you exclude your roommate. It’s just going to make things miserable for everyone.”

The boys all slump, but Patton sighs and walks back into the room to retrieve Virgil.

Virgil stood in the back of the crowd, playing with his fidget cube as he watched the head of the camp, Joan they told the campers to call them, talking about all the different activities at the camp and how they would all rotate throughout the summer. Virgil wasn’t really listening. He was too focused on not focusing on how close he was being forced to stand to complete strangers. Thomas stood behind him, his arms crossed like some kind of officer making sure that the prisoners didn’t try to run for it. Virgil had to admit that he thought about it, but where would he go?

He couldn’t see his other roommates anywhere, as they had run off as soon as they’d gotten there, but that was probably for the better. He’d snapped at them enough earlier. Every time Patton tried to get him to play a game with them or talk with them, he’d snap. Every time Roman was being obnoxiously loud—so loud that he penetrated the bliss Virgil’s music provided—he snapped. He didn’t know how he was going to be able to get through the summer with those two. At least Logan seemed to understand when someone wanted to be left alone.

“Alright, I think that about does it!” Joan says. “Now is time to get some grub! Head on to the mess hall.”

The crowd dispersed, and Virgil turned. Thomas was still standing there, looking down at him. “Care to go get something to eat?” he asks.

Virgil rolls his eyes. “You don’t have to lead me around like a lost puppy. I’ll just follow the crowd.”

Thomas gives Virgil a smile he knew all too well. It was a smile that said he was close to losing his patience with Virgil but he had to be nice so he was going to smile through the pain. “Alright, be sure to be back at the cabin by sundown.”

Virgil just nodded and started following the flow of the crowd. Usually finding the source of food was easy, because that’s where everyone always gathered. It was the same for any animal in the animal kingdom, humans no exception.

As he was walking, though, he heard someone behind him laugh just a bit too loud for it to be conspicuous. “Who plays with one of those things unless they’re a fucking child?” someone said.

Virgil glanced over and saw a boy about a foot taller than him with long brown hair that reached his shoulders and a mischievous smirk on his lips. He was looking right at Virgil, or rather at the fidget cube in his hand.

Scowling, Virgil turns away from him, shoving the cube into his pocket. The last thing he wanted to do was to deal with morons. He just wanted to get something to eat and disappear into his cabin as soon as possible.

A hand came down on his shoulder, stopping him. “Hey, faggot,” the boy says, “got any more of those sissy cubes? You know they say not to bring anything unless you want to share with the class.”

“Get out of my face,” Virgil growls.

The boy raises his eyebrows. “What did you just say to me?”

“I said get out of my fucking face,” Virgil says, yanking himself out of the boy’s grip. “and get a life. The only childish one here is you.”

No one around them seemed to notice or care about the exchange, not that Virgil was surprised. No one ever care about losers like himself. The boy reached out and grabbed his shirt, pulling him close. “No one talks to me that way,” he growls.

“First time for everything then,” Virgil says, not backing down.

The boy’s eyes narrowed, and he shoved Virgil back so hard that he fell on his ass in the damp mud. The boy stood over him, glaring. Before Virgil knew what was happening, the boy’s good connected with Virgil’s ribs.

“That’ll teach you to talk back to me, you emo fag,” the boy says spitting on Virgil’s arm. He walked off, leaving Virgil on the ground.

Rubbing his sore ribs, Virgil picked himself up, the whole situation coming back to him. He felt his limbs shaking, his breathing becoming sparse. He looked around, but he was alone. Everyone else had disappeared in the mess hall. He looked at the now crowded building and shook his head. He couldn’t go in there, not looking like this. It would just make that boy feel even better, and probably make Virgil the butt of a lot of jokes. No he couldn’t go in there. He’d just eat breakfast in the morning. He didn’t need food tonight.

So Virgil turned and forced himself to walk back to his cabin. He needed to be alone. He needed to change. He needed to be free of this fucking camp.

Chapter 4

#sanders sides #roman sanders #patton sanders #logan sanders #virgil sanders #thomas sanders #Camp Swan fic #my fic #swearing #homophopic slurs #bullying #intentionally not eating #social anxiety #fanfiction

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marilyngogosworld · 7 years ago

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Have you always felt like you are different than everyone else? You can't really explain how or why. I'm not asking if you were popular or not. You could be sitting in a room of hundreds of your close friends and family. Yet you have always felt like you are different.

If you answered yes… Then I have a message for you. What if I told you that I could explain exactly why you have always felt that way.

But first in order to understand my theory, I feel you must know some of my story. Before I left Arizona to start traveling I read this book, it changed my life. The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer. This book talks about only accepting positive energy, never negative. Yes you'll experience negative things in life. But you once experience it you are then capable of letting the energy of that experience go. That's it. No harboring that energy signature. You can't change what has happened. So why are you worrying about it so much?

Let it go.

The book then goes on about numerous other things that help you and your soul. But the thing that changed my life is when it talks about your “2nd Brain” that voice in your head that is non stop, that over thinks everything, that keeps you up and night and literally almost always winds up being negative. The book then guides through a meditation and if it’s done with your whole intention of success it will teach you to shut that “2nd Brain” up. To where you no longer have that voice constantly whirling through your mind at all times. Not one bit. Because let's face it...that voice isn't reality.

What is reality then? It is right here and right now. This present moment. Wherever you are, with the people that are around you and the things in your immediate environment. That is the only reality that you can change. Not the reality of tomorrow. Nor the reality of yesterday. So please tell me why are you even wasting your energy on those thoughts of tomorrow and yesterday? Why in Gods name are you still thinking about it?

I did that meditation and I no longer hear that voice. It's so freeing and peaceful. Once I was able to hush that constant noise I started to notice something different, a sort of 6th sense so to speak.

I started to feel, yes feel, these colors… At first that was the best way to describe it. I first noticed this when I was working in a rather small club in Tulsa, Oklahoma. And I was sitting next to a customer and kept feeling ORANGE,BLUE,ORANGE,BLUE,ORANGE, BLUE. That feeling was so strong that it completely overtook my mind and it was as if his conversation with me was just a faint buzz in the background. So after having a mini internal freak out, I realized it was his energy - his Aura that I was feeling. So I grabbed my phone and Google’d the color of people's auras. I then handed him my phone and asked him to read those two colors, and to tell me if he thinks it accurately describes him. Well it was spot on. Since that first intuitive moment of knowing he was an orange-blue individual I have been reading everyone's aura with incredible accuracy. I can feel the color of people's auras . I had a gift , thats what I like to call it at least. A gift that I was able to hone in on and push its boundaries, the strength of my mental capacity , the ability to make it stronger, and more able to control. I became capable of being in control of my energy to the point of it affecting others if I wanted it to .

So fast forward to this year , Feb 2016 . Im sitting in my favorite dive bar in Tulsa, Oklahoma once again, writing on my blog like I always do, When a middle aged gentleman comes into the bar and go and gives everyone a hug, I had no idea who this was mind you . Then he proceeds to sit across the bar from me , looks up at me and asks

“ What are you doing? Writing in your diary ?” with a smug grin on the scruffy face of his

Me- “ NOOoooooo, Well actually ya kinda , it's my blog , which is a story about my life … So yes , yes I guess I am writing in my diary .”

Him - “ Well I have a story for you .” Said very matter of factly

Me- “Oh really ?? Do tell “ and i cross my arms in front of me .

“ In due time , in due time “ he said I shrug my shoulders and go back to my writing . Well a couple hours pass and the gentleman's friends that came with him finally left . And he then came and sat right next to me .

He leans back, looks at my wings I have tattooed on my back and says …. “Angel wings huh?? ….. Very fitting . “

I shrug off the comment , I knew they weren't angel wings , they had their own meaning , and I knew that .

And that's when things got a bit intense , and my whole direction in life changed . He then looked me straight in the eyes , a little too close for comfort in fact and said “ You have no idea how powerful you are do you ?” Instantly the hairs on the back of my neck stood at attention , a mental warning to myself , because I hadn't had told hardly anyone about my gift. How did he know ? My feelers went out and I began reading him , he wasn't evil , or even negative at all , it was a different energy and color but it wasn't bad by any means . Now intrigued with this creature , I came back to reality , and he then made another statement , just as intense as the first. “ You have no idea WHO you are , now do you ?

Knee jerk reaction stick out my hand to shake his and with a shitty grin and a higher pitched voice that usual said “Yes I do my name is Alina Gifford “ being the smart ass that I can be . He rolled his eyes while grumbling out a very funny .

He then proceeded to write down this name on a piece of paper and scooted it over to me, telling me to look this up . And what popped up on the screen was a picture of an archangel , Metatron . Now if you have never heard of metatron , I suggest you look into it . And all the other archangels in fact. You'll understand why here in a minute . So Metatron is an arch angel sent down here to meet like minded people tell them, who they are , their purpose , and then to write the truth about it . That last part is what really caught my attention - Write the truth about it - Well I AM a writer, and every single one of my stories are 100% the truth besides the names of the people involved . Being so confused and not really wanting to connect the dots with this archangel and I .. I played dumb and stuttered out “ So what is this ? …. This is me ? This is my arch angel? I don't get it “

“This is your archangel yes , but he is guiding you with his purpose as well , that is why you are here , this is your divine path. I know you have unique capabilities , as do I , Mine is more of a messenger type path , that's why I am here tonight . I knew that I needed to go out tonight to find someone , I didn't know who until I saw you. This is what you must do, you have to to find the ones that have a gift like you and I and tell them. “

ME . - I can't do that people are going to think that I'm crazy, telling them they have a gift?!

Him - “You can, and you will. That is the only way that they will know answer to tap into their gift you must tell them because the ones that have a gift are the ones that are meant to stay and populate this earth. You must find them , and tell them because bad things are going to happen very soon and we need everyone that has these special abilities to be ready. Because there is going to be death all around us , chaos , and mass destruction.”

He told me that the people I would meet wouldnt be the ones that just had an easy life , that had everything handed to them . They would be the ones that had lived a harder life, that had been knocked down so many times, but always got their butts back up and made it work. He said that “We” did that so that the ones with a gift would have empathy for others when times got hard , and would help up their brothers and sisters even if they were that homeless person on the street, They would know that they had a good soul and needed to be here in the world. The messenger also said that know that I know my gift that the gifted ones would basically FLOCK to me . They would feel drawn to me , almost as if they had to meet me , and once meeting me would feeling completely comfortable telling me things they never tell even their closest of friends. He went on to explain a bit more and with his every word I could feel that it all was the truth. Not once did I even question it . My soul knew that it was the truth.

I’m sure that you all are either intrigued because this hits home , or you think I’m bat shit crazy. Some of you might already know what Im talking about , some might not , but just know this , if You answered the question I asked above with a YES , then you have a gift , and this gift will eventually make itself known. If you train your mind to quiet that 2nd brain, the overthinking , the racing thoughts , the often negative thoughts that pull you from living in the now . That is when your gift will be able to come out and be noticed . Because its not being clouded by those constant clouding thoughts .

Now each one of you will have a different gift and your own perception of it is unique. I have started to categorize these gifts yet not one individual will necessarily be like another. There are: Protectors - the ones that have an innate ability to walk into a room and see what is going to happen before it happens and instinctively protect. Healers, Seerers, Master Communicators, Nurturers, Warriors, Lightworkers, as well as a few more.

I know you all are questioning this whole theory, some with intrigue and some with doubt. That's what I want you to do. I want you to question your very existence. Your reason for being here on Earth. So that you can begin to expand your mind. I will give you a very simple way to know if the information you research is true or a falsity .Now I employ you all to do some research of your own , and the way you know the truth , although not the easiest pill to swallow and your mind might try to sway you to the logical explanation . But if you feel a tightness in your chest , and anxiousness when pondering this topic then that's obviously not the right answer or the right way , now if you feel at peace , and calm , that is the truth. Your soul knows where it needs to go.

And since that night, with so much information to process , I began on my divine path . Meeting all kinds of people , being open to everyone and their energy. Going on these adventures that I never thought I'd ever experience, especially because they were spiritually driven . And meeting so many people with these amazing gifts. With all of them having a common denominator of feeling like they don't fit in , that there is and has always been something more to life . I finally came up with a name for all of as well , we are the misfits of society .

And I am so excited to meet more of you , to come find you, and help you understand and fill that void that you feel, fill it with your true purpose to be on this earth my misfits and I grow stronger and more knowledgeable as we enlighten our minds with the truths of this amazing universe and what it has in store for us .

#July #2017 #Chrono

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acefaerie · 8 years ago

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I think its really understandable that a lot of younger people sort of assuming that somehow not having an attraction to others is seen as a virtue especially by religious groups.

When i was a teen my lack of interest in relationships was seen by the adults in my life that “oh she is just shy” “she’s been a good girl and focusing on school work” and tbh that was the narrative i told myself.

except, looking back there was an underlying concern from adults that I was “missing out” on the Ideal Teen Romance TM. I got hints of it when ever I made a new male friend. “Oh he looks like he might be your type.” followed by a hopeful smile. after a while i got the “Its okay if you like girls” because i think by this time my parents had realised “she’s really not that interested in boys is she”.

but these instances were mild, my parents, specifically my mother who is “liberal” mind you, and had many close female friends who were lesbian and bi, kept out of my way. I was doing well at school, i was a “good girl”. So for me i think i get why some young people don’t understand the pressure for people to pair up because when you are in highschool if there is pressure its from peers and generally parents consider you to be “just a late bloomer”. But this is my experience, which was.. 15 years ago, and the world has changed quickly and drastically it may be different for others. It may also be that i am privileged in coming grom a generally accepting family, that is not religious, that would have accepted without question any girls I brought home (in fact i was asked if i wanted to).

My peer group generally either made jokes about my lack of interest or assumed i was gay. the general knowledge around school was i was gay, even my guy friends who never asked me also just.. assumed that was the case. I was lucky in the sense that like my mother most of my friends were either bi themselves and therefore didn’t care or pretty liberal minded. so i was cushioned... except for this one girl Tanya. She was homophobic and hated me because of it, i know this because i overheard her complaining about me one time and it generally was about how she had interpreted any causual friendly touch i had with my other friends as “creepy and weird”. I was forced to spend time with her because one of my “best” friends was really good friends with her (who we have another story about but its only slightly related to this) and wanted us to hang out all the time.

Tanya made my last year of highschool hell. She poisoned friends against me, and created a sort of social outcasting that left me without a support group. I was unlucky that a lot of my out bi friends who accepted me dropped out the previous year for various reasons. So i was left with the only people who sort of hung out with me being the largely straight (or closeted best friend who when she did start dating a girl, did so in secretl) acquaintances of those friends, who were easily convinced by Tanya to drop me from the group.

but here is the thing. I never called myself gay, (a am a pan/bi ace yes but at the time the only thing i ever said or did was say “Im not really interested in boys” because I really didnt know what i was) just not being interested was enough for Tanya.

besides my awful experience with Tanya I get why teens think “not being interested” puts a pretty light target on your back. even if my parents were disappointed i didnt experience the “ideal teen romance TM” it wasnt a huge concern. The bullying a recieved from Tanya is also ambigious because she was exactly the kind of bigot who was bigoted against everyone who was different she was basically the epotime of what prejudice people talk about when they talk about the “prejudice tree” where a bigotted person who is biggeted against one thing is bigotted against most things that are different from them.

What was my point. Oh, yes. in highschool the main negative reactions i got were from people sharing frustration and disappointment about me dating (though the “late bloomer” thought pretty much silenced this crowd) and the more aggressive lot who were homophobic and i fit enough of the criteria for them to consider me a target.

The first negative thing, the frustration and disapointment, as an ace i think that has become more impactful the older I have got. The pressure started to hit hard in my twentie. “Something is wrong with you” reactions from people grew the more i became “clearly an adult” Friends who were fine in highschool suddenly treated me like i was a kid who didn’t know anything about anything because “i hadn’t had a relationship or sex what do i know about being an adult”. My parents, though well meaning became more and more worried abut what was wrong with me.

Omg the relief they felt when i had a relationship that lasted two weeks (where i cried the whole time and barely even kissed the person).

relationships and sex are treated by our society as a right of passage for becoming an adult. So its fine to be a late bloomer, but thats what these people think you are “a late bloomer” not fully complete yet, still growing.

my mother who was so supportive in my teens and early twenties started letting her anxiety about me leak through when i spent most of my 20s not even “just single” but actively not looking I think she even once told me she just wanted me to have the experience of a real relationship, after i had one that was online (which was like having one without having to touch a person which i enjoyed, until he came over and there was touching and i didn’t enjoy it as much anymore because both I and he forced me into sexual situations i was not ready for but had been convinced by everyone i knew that that is what you did if you were in a relationship) after him i felt physically ill if i knew a person found me attractive so actively avoided being “too sexy” so people wouldnt.

the first healthy relationship slightly romantic relationship i had was a Queer platonic one, with a woman. Everyone knew we were in love, even my professors. but it remained platonic and honestly helped free me from all the toxic stuff that happened before. Im still incredably close to her.

at this time though I was in my mid to late thirties, and my families comments had become less “you are too picky” to “Im worried you will never find someone” “you are nearly 30″ “what if you want kids you can’t leave it too late”.

its all small stuff but it mounts up. its mirco-aggressions that become deafening. Im childish because i don;t like sex i need to grow up, im weird im wrong im mistaken im making my parents sad, why can’t i be who they want me to be, my mother crying because she just wants me to have a special person but never understanding that my QPR WAS my special person because to her that was just a friend, people saying i don’t know what i want, people saying im a loser cos they never see me dating, people telling me they ” think being single is a sign of failure” people telling me that when they call me a prude its an insult and im weird if i dont feel bad for being a prude, people telling me i should be interested, “don’t you find him attractive”, “sex is amazing what do you mean you dont like it”,” i think you are just scared of love”, “you must be a closet lesbian”, “your just a straight faking for attention.” “why are you trying to date normal people isnt there a website for people like you?” “its not our fault there arent many of you”, “your a bad girlfriend if you don’t like kissing he/she will be hurt if you wipe the saliva away or if you say you arent attracted to them”, “you don’t understand what love is” “you are confused” “you are sick, see a doctor”, “you’re abusive,” “ you don;t know what you are talking about”, “your sick, is it a hormone deficiency” “HAH you don’t like sex just get married then you wont get any”, “how can you not feel attracted then,” your abusive if you have sex but not sexually attracted”, “you’re abusive if you dont have sex cos you are with-holding from the other person”, “it's okay if you dont want sex for now know but thats just how relationships progress”, “Why don't you like him he likes you, “” Im worried you are going to be alone for ever”

The pressure of it used to keep me up at night where i felt i was FAILING everyone i knew because i just couldn't bring myself to feel that way about another person. I became deeply depressed. It was the main reason i considered suicide.

when i finally did enter a relationship again after two years of EVERYONE pushing for it. that pressure stopped in so far as people stopped pressuring me to be with him, but now i feel like i have to pretend to be normal so people will leave me alone, and i feel like part of me is lying to myself.

I worry about falling back into unhealthy patterns where i play the role of girlfriend just so i can stop people from knowing im weird. The only saving grace is this time my partner and I know im asexual. He doesn’t quite understand it but he respects my boundaries. still part of me feels like this relationship is a compromise. he doesn't get it completely even though he tries. he treats me well and i love him, Its just getting to this point my twenties were years of me ripping up my insides because of all the things society was saying to me. I felt trapped between the fear of being alone and the fear of having to force myself into a relationship again.

So i get why young people dont get what negativity you can face for being aro/ace but thats because the virtue of being disinterested is only a virtue if its temporary. and even then don’t underestimate the power of bigots to sniff out a difference to target you for.

#suicide mention #personal #abuse #homophobia #aphobia

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very-cherry · 8 years ago

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Hey. Hi. Big fan. I don't watch half of the shows that you reblog, but your enthusiasm is quality. Um.. this is super personal, so I totally understand if you don't answer, but how did you realise you were nb?

omg im so sorry you have sat through my tags for this long, buddy you deserve better lmao. but no this is super okay to talk about, and ya its personal but im alright with it bc sometimes its nice to talk about?? like its a lot easier to explain over here rather than to my family (rip) but yeah i can get into it. um, itll be under the cut tho bc its a long answer, so if my other followers (or people who may get triggered) dont wanna read like ya theres that

the short answer: i realised last year, bc of everything that piled up and me finally finding the time to sit down and Think About It.

(tl;dr: at the bottom if youre not here for the Super Long answer)

the long answer: gender had never come easily to me as a kid, like i understood that girls played with dolls and that boys played with trucks. but i also was raised in a family where girls could play with trucks too, as long as they still looked like girls. so from the get go i had a v “tomboyish” look about me, and how i presented myself. i found i was v comfy with the tomboy label growing up, bc it meant i could play with the boys but still be sensitive and emotional while the boys werent allowed to feel like that

my biggest stepping stone tbh was (is) my mother. now if youve followed me for a while you probably know that while my mother loves me, and i suppose i love her (still up in the air), our relationship is v v v v Tense. this is due mostly to the fact that she has this preconceived notion of what the world looks like, and how people should act and present themselves. for her, to have me as a child saying “i wanna dress like a boy” “i wanna be a boy” was no biggie bc i was Just A Kid and would grow up to flourish into a beautiful young woman. which, for the most part, i did. but that doesnt mean i enjoyed it. from the age i was allowed to dress myself, my mother and i would fight about my clothing choices (and i literally mean fight. she would refuse to take me somewhere if i didnt dress the way she wanted. would throw my own clothes at me or on the road outside our house etc) and she would dub my clothes “too casual” and tell me to “dress up” and “look a bit more girly, please?” which i now know is totally Gross and not v nice, but at the time i didnt know any better, i hadnt grown into myself. this, alongside many years of condemnation in regards to my interests and hobbies and things i just enjoyed and wanted to talk about, just Didnt Add Up to my mother. she loved having two pretty daughters, pretty daughters who could wear dresses and live out the life she couldnt bc she fell pregnant with my older sister at 19, and thus had to grow up v quickly (no blame on my sister tho, shes my favourite person in the world and shes trying v hard to understand me and loves me v much)

fast forward a couple years: i was 15 when i first developed my eating disorder. quite frankly, it was only upon realising that im nb as to how i figured out what my ed was Actually About. i didnt like my curves. i didnt like being “girly”. i did constant misguided ab workouts and ate three rice cakes for lunch, followed by nothing but a banana until dinner. my sleep patterns were hit and miss bc i would either write away the pain or stay up wondering what this Thing i was feeling was (spoiler: it was dysphoria). i tried super hard to love my curves, to own myself and how i looked, but it never felt Right. i never understood. i would see my psychologist and ramble about my ed and she would pinpoint it and say it was curves and i would always just say “but its not”. bc it wasnt Just Curves, it was the idea as a whole. and it was v confusing and scary, so much like my exploration into my sexuality, i just put it off.

it was combating my ed that helped me most, i think. it was getting over it, and forcing myself back into a natural sleep pattern (so i could actually do year 12 without wrecking myself). i didnt get over it until around april 2016, which was when i fell in love with the idea of self love, and decided to give it a go. i listened to my psychologist, and she was v patient with me, and was cautious with where i placed my blame (”yes its your mothers fault for making you react and feel this way, her words hurt you. but youre the one that decides what to do with that negativity”) and it was so so so helpful. she taught me that i was deserving of love, and positivity, and that loving youself is a process, and it doesnt always work the way you want it to, but you need to find what makes you happy and keep doing that. for me, that tied into my food, my talents, my friends, and my actions. im not going to sit here and claim that fitness is key to happiness, but its part of whats key to mine (to the point that i have been inspired to become a personal trainer and teach other people that being “healthy” isnt just about food and exercise). each person has their own individual things that keep them balanced, and if yours is painting your nails instead of doing sit ups fucking go for it - just make sure you find that thing, because it gives you clarity.

my clarity hit me in the beginning of year 12, when i Sat Down and really had a think. i thought back to how i wanted to look growing up, how i wanted to act, i remembered the day i first had a proper bra bought for me instead of a crop top and the way i cried for hours that night without knowing why. i remember not wearing shirts to bed and then suddenly feeling awful when i started having to. i remembered trying to wear boxer shorts and nothing else around the house and being yelled at. i remembered telling my dad i wanted to look how he did when he was 18, and yelling at him when he said “but dont you want to be pretty like your mum”. i remembered my sister cutting my hair in the dead of night in her bedroom, bc i didnt want to look the way i did. i remembered wearing all these oversized clothes to hide my chest. being uncomfortable when anyone (family or stranger) would say “lady”, “girl”, “miss”, “female”. shrinking into myself when someone pointed out my curves. looking in thw mirror and only smiling when my hands were covering and pushing my chest. looking at the scale and not seeing anything other than a number that meant i was stuck being curved. refusing to go swimming bc it meant having to wear a bikini instead of just board shorts. wanting to play on the mens basketball team, wearing mens clothes, being mad when i suddenly couldnt wear them anymore. overcompensating by wearing midriffs and muscle shirts and short shorts and lacy underwear to impress my boyfriend(s) bc i was their GIRLfriend and this is what I Needed To Do. wearing clothes around my first girlfriend that i was really comfortable in, and her telling me that im still nb even if i have to wear a bra for now, and that she wouldnt ever take my shirt off or act as if my chest ever existed if thats what would keep me comfortable, and me nearly crying bc of how validating and overwhelming it was.

it all hit me at once, and i was struck with the blatant honesty of what this had been all along. id ignored it and shoved it down bc i didnt want to upset my mother, disappoint her. i didnt want to be what she never wanted. but then i remembered that i am deserving of love, even if its only ever from myself.

so i told my best friend, and she was so wonderful with it, and she asked what pronouns i wanted to use from now on, and she helped me ease into shopping for clothes. and i bought a binder, and it fits v well and i fucking love it. and i told my other friends, and all the ones who matter are v supportive and beautiful (one even offered to make me a suit). and i told my two favourite cousins, and my sister, and they make sure to text me that i should stretch when i wear my binder, or to take deep breaths in case i forget to and its v homey and nice and they want me to be happy. and i blurted it out to my mother and she fucking hates it, and shes threatened to “burn” my binder if she ever sees it, to “rip it off [my] body” if i ever wear it in front of her, that she wants “nothing to do with It” and that “its a fucked up idea” someone has “put into my head”. but you know what? thats okay, bc i Know who i am now. and sometimes things dont always go how you want, and sometimes the people who love you most cant love all of you, and i want you guys to know that if that ever happens, youre not obligated to love them back, okay? love yourself, love those who love All Of You.

tl;dr: years of dysphoria piled onto me when i had a hot ten minutes to fully think about it in between classes.

#replies #about #tw: emotional abuse #tw: eating disorder #im so sorry about how long this is #im sorry if it didnt answer the question the way you wanted it to #tbh im v thankful you asked this question bc its v cathartic to answer #and its so much easier to be honest to an anon #(or just someone who wont judge in general)#if you (or anyone else who read) want to personally hmu feel free to message me its totally a-okay #Anonymous

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nightmaretyrantvantas · 6 years ago

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I am not my insecurities reflection- a truthful based oneshot

IMPORTANT AUTHORS NOTE PLEASE READ

Ok, this will be a long author’s note but please bare with me as this is very important for you to understand this oneshot. For some context here because I havent posted alot about her yet, this is a oneshot about my Dc oc Gracie Lucio, set kinda in the same universe(i guess) of the teen titans judas contract movie( with Damian as robin) and its a oneshot written partly out of a vent of my own body image issues and partly out of an expression of how I’ve learned to look past said issues slowly.

But this gets very angsty until the end

Now to give a bit more context for the piece itself. The oc herself, Gracie Lucio( because I havent posted any art of her yet) for the reader’s understanding, she is not human, she is a werewolf(it feeds into her story so dont get me started on it alot of research went into this aspect of her character and it plays into her body issues)and body wise looks similar to Dick in the first season of Young Justice. Shes a naturally thin figured , broader shouldered girl who could( if she really wanted to) pass as a feminine boy with short jaw/ barely chin length hair( think of a thick messy longish pixie cut of dark hair). So shes naturally lean and lanky and a little underdeveloped for a 13 year old girl and as a heroine she has toned muscles from years of hero work. Most wouldnt see her having too many insecurities about her body image and appearance, but in truth shes riddled with them. She ages a bit differently than humans, it takes her body longer to develop and even then in some areas it develops differently all together. She struggles to gain any extra weight or build up natural feminine curves, something she wants. She WANTS to look like other girls her age, with more developed and heavier bodies, with curves and more weight and an actual figure. But with a supernaturally high metabolism added on top of a already genetic based thin figure and a intense and sometimes rigorous training and workout routine plus her work as a heroine gives no leeway to gain really any extra weight, its always worked off one way or another. And this causes...comments to be made about why she looks that way by civilians. and though she never shows it publicly she takes many of these, usually not flattering and sometimes cruel and rude, comments to heart(much like I used to unfortunately) and it worsens her negative feelings. This is a small story of her seeing those problems and issues and trying to face and overcome them. This is more centered around Gracie and Dick and Jason and their platonic and sibling like relationship as they help her through her darker times( again, this is partly me expressing my own personal struggles with body image (which arent the exact same as the character but the language and the comments are very similar)and partly how those two helped inspire me to have more confidence in my body no matter what I look like) and also a deeper peek into her complex relationship with Damian(but thats not the biggest focus) Sorry this was so long I mightve info-dumped a little but its important to understand the story. I hope you guys enjoy?

This is also told in Gracie’s point of view

This will cover some pretty deep kinda issues like body image problems and over eating and weight loss/gain and mentions of eating disorders without really discussing them and bullying so if that upsets you in any way now is the best time to scroll past for your own sake, I dont want you to upset yourself over my crappy emotional writing

I do not look that bad.

That’s what I have to force my mind to accept as I look into the mirror, meeting my own aqua green eyes hesitantly.

I always hated looking in the mirror lately, especially after training or after bathing, like now as I stood in the middle of my room in a slightly loose training type sports bra and spandex shorts. I don’t even want to glance down at my body, out of fear for seeing the same thing I always do.

‘She so skinny...is she eating right’

‘She needs to eat more and gain some weight’

‘what a twig for a superhero’

‘how have bad guys not snapped her in half? Jesus Christ I could probably break her with a sneeze!’

‘What a bad influence shes setting for young girls with such an thin figure!’

‘I think He needs to eat more Christ that poor boy must be starving! Why isn’t Nightwing feeding him more’

The flashes of comments flooded my mind the moment my eyes flickered down to the rest of me. To my thin, unfeminine figure. My underdeveloped and flat birdcage of a chest. To my lanky, toned, too flat stomach. The pinched waist figure. The flat empty expanse I called hips that blended too well into my too dainty looking bony legs. I looked too fucking skinny. And maybe they were right...as a hero I was a role model to those younger than me, and I promoted a Bad Body Image for girls to idolize with my lanky boy figure.

And it was a horrible body type I had no goddamn control over.

My species was not an easy one to live as, especially not intermingled with humans. The team knew, the team understood, but the rest of the world didn’t. As a lupinotuum pectinem, or lycanthrope which in easy translation is simply “Werewolf”, my whole body inner workings were different. Most of my kind were naturally lean and thin, like tall healthily thin model athlete body types and in general the females, even alpha females, were practically born twig like almost. And on top of that our bodies developed....differently. I was not raised by a pack or by my own kind after age 8, so even I didn’t know the full extent but females bodies took longer to grow and it made it very hard for them to gain weight because of the unnaturally high metabolism. Add being a superhero who once trained under a certain league member to the mix and you go from being the “healthy and admirable” type of skinny to the “unhealthy and concerning”type of skinny.

I hated it, and I hated my body. I hated pictures of me from the neck down, because they all looked the same no matter who they were with. And I saw the comments everyone made. Whether its a surprise photo Garfield took dragging me into the picture to commemorate something or another or me taking pictures around Gotham or Blüdhaven with Dick on the social media Gar helped me set up, or even the rare photos I’d get to take with Jason or Damian or Tim and get to post. Every time the flood of comments were the same. The same things I now repeated over and over as I looked over my body angrily.

OMG look at that poor girl is she ok??? She looks like she needs to be hospitalized!

Christ almighty BB isn’t it too early to be posing with skeletons?? LOL

Dude not funny that girl must be anorexic or something.

Such a cute sibling couple but sweetie you need a fast food break to add some fat to those bones!

Fuck kid go eat something instead of taking pictures

Awwww you two look real happy! I hope you’re on the way to lunch or something!

Holy shit your guy’s size difference is so vast its almost worrying

how are you even alive with that little weight

Go eat some junk food or something before you pass out

OMG look at her shes so small and stick like! Her clothes look like they’re hanging off a scarecrow!

That girl cannot be healthy tell me someone is making her eat more

Every time its always the same damn thing....

I couldn’t do it anymore. I turned away from the mirror nearly in disgust and went back to changing into more casual clothes, bitterly noting how my clothes did in fact seem to hang awkwardly on my body as if I was too thin for them to fit correctly. Like they always did lately.

Ew look at her she looks so gross all stick-like like that!

What a fucking twig of a girl! Are those her ribs poking through her shirt??

Bitch go eat a fucking hamburger you need some damn food in you.

God that weight cant be healthy you need a doctor!!

“Kid? Yo kid you in there?” My head jerked up from the comments flooded screen of my phone to meet Jason’s eyes, catching the quirk of his eyebrow as he sat across the diner table from me. We were at a diner he favored whenever he came into town to visit, a little family owned treasure with delicious and greasy food and the sweetest staff on earth. We frequented the spot during his visits, our own personal little thing since we’d gotten closer. I plastered on a smile and ignored the slight narrow of those blue eyes, the small furrow of his brow got as I snapped off my phone and set it aside.

“Sorry Jay, BB tagged me in something dorky and I got distracted. So what were you saying?”

He didn’t believe me, and I didn’t blame him. I wasn’t the most convincing at that moment but I kept that damn plastic smile on my face and snagged some of his curly fries right in his face, making him crack a smile and smack my hand away from his tray.

“ Hands off my food, eat your own wolfie.” I rolled my eyes at the stupid nickname I’d been branded and let the plastic smile slowly be replaced by a more genuine one as we began chatting again, grabbing my over sized cheeseburger and finishing every last bite and moving onto the large fries and two milkshakes, hopelessly praying that maybe this time the calories would stick and trying to push away the comments to the back of my mind. I was with Jason and we were having a damn good time, and I wasn’t going to let those comments ruin his visit...not again.

You should be ashamed. All you’re doing is promoting bad eating habits looking like that.

You’re such a bad influence for young girls who idolize you with such a horribly unreachable appearance.

Shes too bony to ever be considered pretty

Does she have a eating disorder or something?

I stiffened instantly startled by a hand on my shoulder, turning off my phone instinctively and making the endless comments disappear into darkness before whoever could see them over my shoulder. The hand was big, calloused, and gentle and I felt myself relax as I looked up behind me with a smile.

“ Hey Dick, did you need something?” He smiled down at me with that big bright smile that made all the dark thoughts and feelings melt away and gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze, blue eyes meeting aqua green.

“ Well I was wondering if you’re doin’ anything right now or if you’d want to go catch dinner with Kori, Dami, and I. I noticed that you’d skipped your usual early dinner....” I wasn’t surprised he noticed, he normally did...

Once again that smile plastered itself on my face as I told him I’d love to, and to just let me go get changed into something better. I saw his hesitation at the fake smile, practically smelled it on him and prayed he wouldn’t bring it up right now, god please don’t ask now or I might just break...

Maybe god is listening because he didn’t mention it and just told me to meet them by the front doors of the tower in ten.

How are you not dead yet?

Jesus Christ stop promoting your eating disorder like its a good thing!

She looks so sickly is she ok? :(

Yeah shes sick, sick in the damn head for posting such disgusting pro-Ana pictures

How can you post pictures with a clear conscience looking like that?

Some “superhero”

I was wrong, no god was listening to me.

Dinner was rough to get through, even if it didn’t start that way.

For once I didn’t have to worry or dread possibly checking my phone for anything, I turned it off by the time we got to the restaurant. I even got a small compliment from Damian on our way in, though it was more a snark at me not tripping up the stairs. But it was Damian so I snapped right back with a smile, knowing he didn’t really mean it. Sitting beside Dick and across from Damian, I nudged his foot with mine in a silent gesture to cheer up even a little. He huffed through his nose but I saw his body relax and it made me relax. Those moments before the food came, our chatter and soft laughter as we looked over the menu, and the soothing knowledge knowing that Dick pulled me and Damian along to this dinner so we would go out on a date ourselves, ever the best brother and wingman. The mood was light and pleasant and I could see even the ever sharp and moody Dami lighten up a little by the time we ordered. Maybe the mood shifted into something different as we waited for our food and I was sipping on my tall glass of iced cola, when Damian’s fingers casually brushed over the top of my unused hand that laid peacefully on the table. The gesture was subtle and light, quick enough to miss if your senses weren’t sharp. I didn’t acknowledge it and neither did he, a silent understanding that words would just ruin whatever this was. I accepted that happily, as he was much more engaged in the conversations and even smiling a little more during them as he debated with Kori on leading strategies. Things were pleasant, comforting at that table in those few seconds before the decline, Dick smiling and chuckling at his lover and little brother, Said lover and brother having a more upbeat discussion about different leadership styles and their effects, and lightly debating which work better for what. And Damian’s hand next to mine, ever so lightly brushing against it in his wordless way to say I was still there and at even the smallest twitch I’d have his attention again. Dick ruffled my hair and asked how my online courses were coming along, since I didn’t attend schools publicly and I was more than happy to babble about my classes, and my current work in them. It was nice and I was happy, all the horrible feelings from before draining away as I tuned everything else but these three out of my enhanced hearing. Why had I even felt so shitty when I had great people like them in my life?

Then I heard it as that damned supernatural hearing tuned back in to the rest of the world.

The words and whispers and mutters and the blatant gossip and bad mouthing.

“Look at that younger girl sitting at that table dear...shes so thin I think she should be in a hospital not a restaurant.”

“Ewww mom look that girl looks like a skeleton!”

“ Honey shush….”

“Is….is that girl ok?”

“Dude of course she isn’t just look at her shes unhealthy as fuck. Probably has some kind of eating disorder too or something.”

It all flooded over me and all of my happy mood washed away under the wave. I couldn’t tell if the others could hear them so I grit my teeth tried to tune it all back out, trying so hard to focus more on Kori’s explanation of her points. My hands began to curl up subconsciously, making Damian’s attention snap to me. Fuckin I….no, I cant tell him...I shouldn’t. I forced my hand to uncurl and that stupid smile sprawled across my lips as if someone had put tape over them. I saw his eyes narrow and near begged mentally for him to not say anything or for Dick to distract him...anything.

“Ahem….your meal.”

I have never more thankful to a waitress before in my life...until I saw the look she gave me as she placed my admittedly large order of food in front of me, something that was normally a platter for two people’s worth of beef and sides. I caught the judgmental and suspicious look she had glancing between me and my food and I felt shame burn all over, starting to hang my head to avoid that damn look.

“ If this is all our food then your job is done. Don’t you have OTHER tables to be serving?” Damian’s curt and sharp tone cut through the air and briefly through my shame. This waitress knew nothing about me and i certainly owned no one any explanations about my eating habits, so why was she hanging around giving me looks about my food…?

“ Damian don’t be so rude!” Dick cleared his throat and I felt his strong arm wrap protectively around my shoulder as he leaned close to the edge of the table while Kori’andr apologized for Damian’s attitude vaguely. But I could hear it, there wasn’t much life to her apology. It sounded like a politely required apology, almost...defensive?

“ I am so sorry about my little brother Miss. He’s also sorry. But do you need anything else since we seem to be all set here but you’re still hanging around when you must be very busy…?” Dick’s words were sweet and cheerful, but there was an edge to his tone that gave a clear warning. His arm around me tightened a little protectively as he gave one of his signature charming smiles that could light up half the damn city as he then inquired if there was some sort of problem. The waitress stammered that there wasn’t any problem and that it was fine and for us to enjoy our meal before scampering away to continue her work. I felt other patrons eyes most DEFINITELY on us now and I couldn’t help shrinking into the taller man’s side to hide.

“ I’m sorry this keeps happening…” I murmured to him as our respective dates started eating and slowly reviving their conversation, moving on to mission recounts and training while Damian shot a dark look at the other patrons that made them look away. Dick gave my shoulder a squeeze and i moved closer for that familiar warmth and comfort...my chest felt heavy and my appetite had died and I wanted to curl up in my room and die of the shame. But I couldn’t, he wouldn’t have let me. So instead I instinctively sought out the safety Dick’s presence brought me, like a protective older sibling whose arms I could be enveloped in and forget about the harsh world outside them.

He knew without words, catching my body language before anyone else at the table. He knew me best.

“ Do you want to leave? We can get to go boxes and enjoy this meal all the same back at the tower, or even mine and Kori’s apartment. Is that what you’d rather do?” It was tempting, oh god it was so tempting to just say yes and let him lead me away while I re-gathered myself, same way he did when we were both 13 and living under the same roof...before…

I shook my head and forced those thoughts to the very back of my mind. I was in a dark enough place of mind already without that.

“ N-no...you guys set this up...i...i don’t want one nosy waitress to ruin our whole meal. Lets just eat ok D?” He smiled at the nickname and ruffled my hair with a nod, both him and Kori making sure I knew if things got too uncomfortable we could leave and the heaviness eased a little at their consideration. I started picking at my food and slowly regaining my appetite, once again nudging Damian with my foot to start up conversations. I ignored the words for the majority of the dinner, we even began to enjoy ourselves again. The last straw was probably as we were paying and putting leftovers in to go bins. I was admittedly nibbling on food out of my bin, despite starting to feel full.

“ I swear you are a bottomless pit sometimes Gracia.” I rolled my eyes at Damian’s remark and gave him a small smirk as I licked my fingers clean.

“ This bottomless pit can still kick your ass in training wonder boy~” He grunted and I saw the challenge glow in his eyes as he smirked back, an excitement for tomorrow’s combat training flaring up between us.

“ You really shouldn’t mix up your delusional dreams with reality alpha PUP.” I said something snarky back and we began to bicker halfheartedly over who was winning. I finally snapped shut my leftover box and stood with Damian as we stared each other down confidently, Dick chuckling at our competitiveness.

“ Tomorrow morning’s combat training will certainly be interesting with these two all riled up already.” The words didn’t fully process as I cracked my knuckles and squared up to the admittedly….taller boy.

“ Last I checked Damian I was ahead 11-10. And tomorrow, I just cant wait to make it 12.” He gave a hard laugh to my face and faced up to me with a smirk as our other two companions stood and shooed us more in front of the table so they could leave their seats. He opened his mouth to say something likely scalding and snarky back at me when the worst comment pierced between us both like a goddamn bullet.

“ Damn, I never knew such a sickly, too skinny bitch like her could eat like such a fat fucking pig.”

I think I stopped breathing as my body flinched at the following laughter. The man was clearly on the tipsy side and sitting at a larger table with a group of laughing friends, though the one who said it was standing next to the table with a drink that reeked of the cheapest alcohol this restaurant probably sold, and he didn’t stop there. Oh god of course he didn’t stop there. He kept laughing and loudly making obvious comments at me and openly mocking me and how much I ate to his table, either fully aware of what he was doing and that we could clearly see and hear him or too drunk to really care as more insults and name calling that I had heard and seen and read plenty of times before fell from his mouth. My heart was pounding in my ears as the next few moments happened slowly.

I thought I had seen anger plenty of times before, the worse being the one and only time someone made a malicious joke about my appearance to my face when I was walking beside Jason and it took all my supernatural strength to drag him off and away the guy before he murdered him in broad daylight and to keep him walking to wherever we had been heading.

I had seen pissed, but I had never seen downright hellish fury until that moment when I looked at Damian and Dick.

I had seen Damian mad, and angry, and pissed, a few times in our first meetings at me personally. I had seen Dick mad, angry, and pissed off a a fair chunk of times, even if they had never been directly at me. I had never seen this expression on either of them in those times. And in those few moments that passed almost in slow motion and Damian began to lurch forward with murderous intent the thought finally hit me. ‘ Was this...the first time these two had really heard the comments about me? Oh god…’ I felt like I was moving in honey as Damian stalked past me and I tried to reach out to him slowly, a gleam to his eyes that made my blood go cold.

If someone was to ask me in the future what I believed Death looked like, I would say with completely conviction that death would have the exact eyes Damian had in that moment: lethal, merciless, and furious. And he would have Dick’s cold expression, a look I never wanted to see on the normal cheerful man’s face ever again.

Time snapped back to a normal speed like a whip and my hand grasped nothing but air as Damian stormed over to the man.

“D...da--”

“What did you just say you disgusting drunk.” I might’ve shivered at his tone and I felt Kori’s hands on my shoulders tugging me back protectively as she looked down at me worried.

“ Gracie...don’t listen to him, there’s no reason to cry.” Cry? What was she talking ab--

That’s when I felt it, something warm and wet sliding down my cheeks and dripping off my chin. I...I was crying. My walls and my limit of bottling things in for one day was crumbling away as I watched Damian go to confront the man, my voice disappearing under the surge of hurt and anxiety. I couldn’t even say his damn name. I felt frozen and helpless as Dick stalked after Damian, fists clenched.

I had to do something say something anything to stop them before things went badly I had to I had--

“Eh?What the fuck did you say to me brat?”

“ You heard me you worthless piece of filth. Apologize to her, now.”

I needed to do something anything as I felt myself crumbling. Why wasn’t Dick stopping him why

“ And what if I don’t pipsqueak? You gonna hit me? Now scram. Maybe take your little bitch to a hospital for treatment instead of parading her around a restaurant with normal people!”

“ He might not do anything, But I will. Now take it back before things get messy.”I think my body began trembling as I watched panic swelling. I just wanted to leave and go home. I didn’t want to see this unfold, I just wanted to be home at the tower curled under my covers to simulate the warmth of another person holding me. I wanted to be anywhere, anywhere else then stuck in this nightmare.

So I moved without thinking and lunged, aiming for the back of Dick’s jacket to grab and ready to swallow any shards of pride and beg to leave. Instead I collided with Damian’s back and rolled with it, hugging him tightly from behind and tugging back with a whimper.

“ P-please you two...l...lets just leave...please lets just go home please…” Kori grabbed Dick’s arm firmly and tugged him back.

“ Dick...shes in the midst of an anxiety attack, let it go and lets leave. We need to get her out of here.” He took a difficult deep breath but nodded glaring down the man harshly enough that he flinched and scurried to the bar with his tail between his legs mumbling insults. One of his friends started to stand and began nervously apologizing, though one vicious look from the boy I was holding shut him up fast. It took me and Kori working together to drag the two out of the restaurant and the ride home was tense and silent. I couldn’t look at any of them, instead opting to stare at my feet wiping my eyes.

“ Does that happen often. People talking about you like that.” His cold tone made me flinch a little. At this point I was so upset and anxious and emotionally drained on the inside that I thought Damian was mad at me of all people for what happened. Those dark thoughts began to slowly bubble up to the surface and my insecurities screamed that he blamed me for what happened in the restaurant. I remained silent, too upset to answer. I heard his growl of annoyance and I began to hunch up, ready for a verbal fight.

“ Damian drop it for now. Shes in no right place of mind to talk about it.” Dick warned from the driver seat with a low voice that reminded me he was also upset and angry. When we got back to the tower I didn’t wait for anyone to say anything, I just bolted for my room as fast as I could, at a inhuman, unnatural speed that they couldn’t keep pace with.

I stayed locked in my room for three days, not willing to face any of them the next morning during training. Everything was heavy and hurt and it was hard trying to rebuild those shattered walls of protection, that image of unbothered confidence. I stayed in bed locked away from the world and curled up under the weak protection of my sheets mostly unresponsive to those outside it.

The first to come knocking and checking on me was Kori, asking if I was ok and if I needed to talk. She left after a little while of trying for a response unsuccessfully though, saying she’d come back to check on me later. It was maybe an hour later that Garfield came knocking, asking why I’d missed breakfast AND training. His voice was concerned as he asked if everything was ok and if I was even in there. The concern poked painfully into my silence, tempting me to speak and make myself vulnerable.

Vulnerability killed. I knew that first hand. So I forced myself to stay quiet until his knocks and footsteps faded away.

The rest of the day passed in a bit of a self deprecating blur, only marked by Kori’s two other attempts at my door. The last one I barely noticed as exhaustion kicked back in and I drifted off into an unsteady sleep

The next day after I woke up things still went by in a near timeless blur. I could hear my phone buzzing and vibrating and rattling for my attention but I left it there on the nightstand unnoticed and curled further under the sheets, lost in a slate tinted world of dark thoughts and darker temptations. But that day was harder to drift away through.

The first to stop by was Jamie, knocking a few times and calling out to me with concern and worry clear in his voice as he asked if I was ok. He asked if I’d eaten at all since yesterday, since he hadn’t seen me leave my room. The thought of eating made my stomach stir and my body curl around it ashamed. He knocked a few more times after that, his voice growing a bit more worried at the lack of answer. After awhile I heard him walk away and I barely lifted my head as I hugged my too skinny too unhealthy body close, feeling those blaring imperfections and flinching at myself.

It was no wonder everyone said those things...if so many people said them so often then they must be true.

The next to come by was Raven. She only knocked twice and gave a small sigh.

“ Gracie...I know you’re in there. If you need someone to talk to...my room is in the next hall over, and I will be here to listen. I wont force you to come out...just please remember you aren’t alone here. You have the team behind you.” I bit my lip hard enough to make it bleed to keep my ensuing whimper silent. The words, soothing and reassuring in context, stabbed into my heart and my resolve. I WANTED to depend on them, to throw open the door and break down under the assurance I could and would not be treated differently after, and be assured and comforted and remind of the positives. I wanted it so badly I was scared of it. Or maybe...I was scared of it NOT happening as those damn fears and insecurities and dark thoughts sowed heavy doubt through me. She lingered a little longer than Jaime, eventually her footsteps disappearing. I remember meekly poking my head from the sheets to stare absently out the half covered windows lost in thought, time slipping by me once more to the point I almost didn’t register Garfield and Kori both stopping by my door again at least twice more worried.

When Dick stopped by as the sun was setting was when the harder pain set in.

I heard the knocks and ignored it in favor of the changing color sky the sunset offered, my room washed in a dim orange and amber gleam. Then I heard his voice, soft and sick with worry from the outside and my heart thudded so hard it hurt. Hard.

“ Gracie...C’mon Gracie-girl please open the door. We’re all worried about you...I’m really worried about you. You haven’t eaten for a day and a half...Please let me in...” I almost broke completely at the pain in that familiar voice, the voice I never wanted to be the cause of being in pain or anguish again.

Well looks like I did a GREAT job of preventing that didn’t I?

He knocked again, asking and pleading and trying to reason, anything to get that door to open. My eyes burned with hot fresh tears and I curled up into a tight ball whimpering softly and breaking my vow of silence.

“....D-dick...p-please...j-just leave me a-alone…I-i just need some t-time alone…”

My voice came out pathetically weak and shaking with tears, which I know he heard. There was a silence for a few moments, perhaps shock that I actually answered this time. I felt warmth sliding down my cheeks as he sighed and reluctantly muttered that he’d come check back on me tomorrow and that there was leftover dinner ready for me to heat up on the kitchen counter before he slowly walked away. His fading footsteps echoing in my ears. Was my heart breaking on every step away? I couldn’t tell. That feeling slipped into the dark thoughts that followed the setting sun. Dark thoughts that also reminded me of the one person who HADN’T come to check on me, and the resulting pain of his absence.

The third day had been mostly quiet. It was almost a painful relief, quiet meant no additional pain of--

“ Gracia.”

That one word coming from Damian’s mouth sent so many things through me and sent any resolve I had spiraling away. His tone was a forced kind of neutral, he sounded as if he was trying to stay calm but it wasn’t exactly working. There was something to his voice I had no energy to figure out. He didn’t knock and there was silence for a few moments but I felt his presence remain.

“ You haven’t eaten since the restaurant.” No questions with him, he didn’t need to ask, always calm and analyzing.

“ ...You cant just stay in there forever Gracia.” A stern lilt to his voice, weakly enforced by the faint sound of his hand on the door. I could only whimper and curl up more. There was another stretch of silence before he sighed and his footsteps continued down the hall.

He was the only one to come check on me, a blessing and a damnation.

The day and night went by so listlessly I didn’t remember falling asleep, only waking up to banging knocks on my door. The volume grated on my sensitive hearing and made me flinch. Who would even be knocking like that…?

“ Oi. Kid. I know you’re still in there. Open the door.” Jason’s hard and no shit taking voice shot through me. Why...Why was Jason in the tower? Why was he in the city?

The knocking continued relentlessly, unlike the others. It even got louder and angrier.

“ Kid I said open this goddamn door.” There was no request or plea in his voice. It was a command, a harsh, cold command. I tried covering my ears with my hands and curling into a tight ball as the knocking continued. He wasn’t about to give up to a little girl.

I knew this too well.

“ Graciea Rosica Lucio I swear to god if you don’t open this goddamn door in the next couple second I will break it down. Now get off your fucking ass and answer me.” I don’t know what it was, but hearing his threat sent my body into mechanical motion, trudging over to the door and reluctantly unlocking it and letting it slide open with a low hiss, the banging finally ceasing. I couldn’t look him in the face, empty and ashamed it took threats to get me to open the door. So I stared dully at his boots and took in his scent as he grabbed the front of my shirt and dragged me back inside. I stumbled clumsily along with as he sat me on my bed and stood in front of me. I kept my gaze down towards his knees, the smell of nicotine wisping off his body in a way that told me he very recently had been smoking, no less than an hour ago most likely. Smoke and city is what filled my room. There was only a beat of silence before he spoke.

“ Look at me.” I lifted my head and stared at his chest and his crossed arms, unwilling to look him in the eyes. I couldn’t bare to see what kind of disappointed look he likely had on his face. Perhaps I didn’t want to see my reflection in his eyes, see the sickly, disgusting and bony figured girl with greasy hair and dark circles under dulled eyes and sallow cheeks. I heard the slight growl that rumbled from the back of his throat in warning and I briefly wondered if I would be forced to look him in the eyes. His arms uncrossed and I prepared myself for anything.

Anything except for two big plastic grocery bags filled with fast food bags and orders was dropped onto my lap, the contents still hot. I blinked slowly once, twice, and finally got enough courage in my confusion to look up at his face. When I did I was a little startled.

“ Eat. And you aren’t moving until those bags are polished off understand me?”

He looked visibly angry, eyes narrowed and mouth locked in a fearsome scowl with eyebrows furrowed. But his eyes were soft and worried and it took me a minute to realize worry was what was making his scowl so harsh. He crossed his arms across that broad chest again and I realized he was in his work gear, all the way down to the guns strapped to his thighs. All he lacked at the moment was his helmet and domino mask, his dark hair messier than usual and the white streak falling between his eyes. We had a staring contest and in those pupils I saw myself, I saw the shell I had become and it made me sick, breaking me briefly from the depressive haze.

How the hell had I let myself fall this far, this deep?

We didn’t speak until he grunted, eyes narrowing more in a way even those concerned blues didn’t weaken the glare as he spoke gruffly.

“ You better start eating before I start just shoving it down your damn throat.” I knew he would too. He wasn’t fucking around, I didn’t doubt he’d follow through with any threats made. Slowly I looked down at the pile of food and reached for the first bag, pulling it open and blinking fast as fresh tears stung my eyes.

It was from our favorite diner, and it was my usuals two cheeseburgers and large lightly salted fries with a second order of fat steak fries and fried pork strips. He’d even gotten all the little sides I enjoyed with it and I looked back up at him with a pained look. Maybe that look made him relax because his expression softened slightly, his voice quieting to something gentler.

“ C’mon now...I brought you all your favorites, now start eating...it’s been three days and your body cant handle that. We can talk after.” My shoulders slumped as all the tension stored in my body dissipated a little as he continued to speak, like a tightly pulled strong finally cut loose.

“ Kid I’m not mad at you. No one is. So just eat the food and then we’ll figure shit out, just like we do on any other visit.” I think the tears started falling because his face got blurry and there was warmth in my face. If I did start crying he didn’t say anything, just nodded at the bag. I gulped and slowly but surely pulled out one of the burgers and slowly took a bite, struggling a little to swallow it with a throat that was closing up from emotions. Once I did though my hunger kicked me hard and I began devouring the food, one bag after another.

It took me about a half hour to finish both plastic bags but I did, followed by slamming through at least two water bottles and one thick milkshake that almost made a mess. Jason simply watched over me as I ate from his spot in front of me. The silence was almost soothing, not painful as it had been before. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand as I looked back up at him and we made eye contact.

“ So are you going to tell me what happened? Really happened?” I broke his gaze to stare towards the floor as the acidic shame began to creep back over me. He sighed.

“ C’mon kid just let it out already. Who am I to judge? So why don’t you trust me like you USED to and tell me?” Those words shot through my heart and head.

I...I wasn’t trusting him...trusting anyone...I…i...

It was like Jason opened a flood gate.

It all came spilling out with a new surge of tears and mid sentence cracking sobs, my body physically heaving from the intensity as it all came out. All the months of insecurities and pain and doubts and fears and comments and negativity and hate and bullying came rushing out like a tidal wave and Jason took to all, listening to everything without a single word as I let everything out and let myself break down completely, wails and sobs replacing words eventually. I felt him shift and kneel in front of me, felt big strong sturdy hands grip my shoulders to steady me and keep me anchored as I buried my face into my hands and gasped out cries and pained wailing yowls that filled the room and spilled out of it. I vaguely remember the sounds of multiple hurried footsteps coming towards the door but I didn’t care. All I felt was Jason’s hands on my shoulders and his steady, continuous heartbeat in my ears as well as he strong breathing. One set of footsteps dared to enter the room and hurry over, only stopped by Jason’s calm voice.

“ Let her get it out, its the only thing that’ll help.” The footsteps stopped and eventually the wails faded into blubbering whimpers and whines and hiccups, constantly sniffling. I lifted my head to look at him through blurred eyes and got one brief sight of Dick standing behind Jason that sent me into a whole new wave of sobs.

God I’ve been nothing but selfish and now I’d fucking hurt Dick again even when I swore I’d never do that again and i--

I let out a high pitched whine that turned into pathetic blubbered and wailed apologies. Over and over like a broken record I couldn’t stop apologizing to them for everything even parts that weren’t my fault in any way I still apologized for it I just couldn’t stop. Jason’s grip on me tightened only slightly before slipping away and for a single moment I was terrified I’d annoyed him with all the apologies and was about to add that to my list of them when two strong arms wrapped around me and and Dick’s scent surrounded me.

“ Shh shh shh shhh….shhh Gracie its ok now shh shh its ok I got you its not your fault…” I sniffled and wailed out more sobs and begs for forgiveness as I clung to him like he was a life preserver. And at that moment he was. He hugged me tighter and practically cradled me into his chest stroking my hair as he murmured reassurances, assuring me I was well forgiven and it wasn’t my fault. Everyone got insecurities especially when facing so much negativity. How I was so strong for fighting it for so long regardless. But it was ok to not always be strong and be able to handle it. That he was there and it was ok now. It took awhile but eventually all my noise quieted down to sniffles and hiccups and the occasional whimper as my trembling and heaving finally eased away into a limp tiredness. I felt exhausted but in a way different than the past couple days. I felt lighter and the more Dick spoke gently the lighter and more relaxed I felt,all the pain easing as he banished every dark thought one by one.

“ You ARE a hero Gracie.”

“ you aren’t a skeleton or a scarecrow or a twig.”

“ You are not too bony.”

“ You’re beautiful.”

“ You aren’t sick and you don’t need any doctors.”

“ You’re ok. The way your body works and retains weight naturally is not your fault.”

“ You’re only thirteen you’re still growing kiddo.”

“ I was scrawny and thin until I was at least sixteen Gracie its not that uncommon.”

“ You do NOT have to hold yourself to stupid human beauty standards.”

“ You’re beautiful to us, that’s all that matters.”

“ You’re ok, you have us.”

Each and every statement cleared my mind and I slumped against him with tears still falling down my cheeks. His hand carefully cupped the back of my neck in a soothing gesture to ease the wolf side of me, adding a very small amount of pressure to ensure the sense of security and safety the movement brought. I whispered out a hoarse thank you, my throat sore and raw but already beginning to heal. He smiled into my hair and I let my eyes slip shut in contentment. I felt...stabilized, as if the whole world had been constantly tilted dangerously under my feet for months and now it had finally been returned to normal, balancing me once again.

I felt a second, no technically third, hand tangle itself into my thick and greasy hair and ruffle it affectionately, fingers tangling themselves in the dark chestnut locks.

“ We’re always here for you kid. Whether you like it or not. You can be honest and confide in your inner circle Gracie. We aren’t going to look at you any differently...so next time don’t keep your mouth shut.” My nerves settled and I leaned into his hand with a loud hiccup, making him snort. I looked up and saw both older men smiling down at me, both with their own kind of soft expressions. I rubbed my eyes and wiped my nose and smiled back shakily, feeling like everything was going to be ok for the first time in a long while.

I learned a few things a few hours later, after I’d fallen asleep in Dicks arms and woke up on the couch out in the Tower’s game room with Garfield and Jaime looking after me. My head was resting on Garfield’s leg and he had his elbow rested on my upper arm comfortably as he and Jaime played some kind of two player video game, keeping their voices lower than usual to be considerate of me sleeping. Opening my eyes was difficult as they felt dry and crusted and stung from crying so much. But my throat was no longer sore. When they saw I was awake they paused the game and and told me they were happy I was up, as I had been out cold for at least a solid couple hours. That was when I learned the first thing : Dick and Kori had informed the team of the incident at the restaurant after the first day I stayed locked up in my room, and Garfield had let it slip in his rage that he thought I had finally stopped getting those comments, and confessed that I’d been getting bullied and harassed about my appearance online for months. What I found out was all those months what I failed to notice was Garfield fighting back on my behalf every chance he got. He defended me, constantly called people out for harassment and even worked on getting some of the worst and most aggressive ones banned. For months he’d been do it as relentlessly as he could, filling his own social medias with both our pictures and his constant defense and positivity towards me to fight it back. It got lost in my own comment section so I stupidly didn’t realize. It warmed my heart knowing he’d kept my back even when I never noticed or mentioned it, though he waved it off and just gave me his big old smile telling me it wasn’t that big a deal,

“ After all, you’d do the same for me in a heartbeat!” And he wasn’t wrong. But I still hugged him tight in thanks anyway, an embrace he happily returned as he warned me next time I lied about being harassed there’d be hell to pay.

I assured him there wasn’t going to be a next time anymore and for the first time in months finally wholeheartedly meant it.

The second thing I learned was Jaime told me during those first two days I was locking myself away Damian had gone back to the restaurant and used Bruce’s name to hunt that guy that had been harassing me down and gotten a few hefty harassment charges and minor endangerment charges slapped onto the guy, throwing in a sob story of how I was now in emergency care in the hospital because of him. I knew he didn’t throw his last name around often, didn’t exactly like having to do so to be taken seriously. The fact he did for me…

I had a lot more feelings for Damian after that knowledge.

The third thing I learned was that the only reason Dick and Kori hadn’t come by to check on me yesterday was was because they spent the entire time hunting for Jason to get his help with getting me out, and when they DID find him he stormed for the tower and made it there before they did somehow, he was that angry.

As they were telling me this and retelling a very tense video call between Nightwing and Batman during the second day Damian came in in his full Robin attire, regarding us stoically. When I saw him I stood and the room quieted as I approached him, the both of us observing each other. When we stood a foot apart I stared into his masked eyes quietly and he looked into my tired eyes. I saw his mouth start to open to speak and my body lurched forward without me, hugging onto him tightly.

“Thank you...you didn’t have to do that for me thank you thank you thank you…” He was quiet and I was about to let go and move away when I felt his arm come around me and grip the back of my shirt, returning the embrace. Neither of us was at a point that we were really physically affectionate by any means but my heart swelled when he hugged me back, leaning his head against my own and allowing me to bask in the warmth of his arms and his scent. When I felt him roll his shoulders I took that as my cue and slowly pulled away, gently pressing a kiss to his cheek as I did before retreating back to give him his space.

I think I saw his cheek flare pink but I’ll never say for sure because that would mean admitting just how red my own cheeks were.

I’d love to say that after that everything ended happily and perfectly and things went great forever and ever. But I cant, life doesn’t work like that.

But things did get better.

I was under heavy supervision several weeks, with almost stricter watches on my food intake to make sure I didn’t try to over eat or try to force weight gain. Bruce had me stay with him and Damian for a few weeks as well to make sure I didn’t slip back into that dark place. It was a bit smothering at times...but in all honesty I welcomed the smothering because I knew it meant how much they all cared. And staying with Bruce again...it brought up my mood believe it or not. Being in the manor brought back happier memories of my childhood and seeing the man I considered a fatherly figure more often perked me up. Plus I got to see Tim a lot more than usual in those few weeks, a perk and joy all in itself as he kept me company when he wasn’t too busy with his work. Tim was also the one who disabled all comments on my social medias one calm rainy evening in the lounge. I was grateful and he patted my head after as he read his case files. I think I might’ve fallen asleep against him, I cant say I fully remember. With each passing week I felt better and better. It took a long time for my self esteem and confidence to rebuild itself, but it got some jump starts. Perhaps the best part was two months later after a sparring session with Kori. She was giving me tips on striking with a staff when Dick and the big bad bat Brucie himself walked in.

“ Batman? Has something happened?” He shook his head and put his hand on my shoulder.

“ I’m going to borrow Gracie for a few minutes.” Dick gently took her hand and smiled as he whispered something to her as he led me out of the training room and placed a long bottle of what looked like red chewy vitamins into my hand. When I looked up at him confused he gave me some of the best news of my life.

“ These are specially created vitamins designed to accommodate your body’s inhuman metabolism. Tim helped me create them. They're designed to help regulate fats and carb distribution in your body and allow your body to hold onto and gain more weight without immediately burning it off. Take one every week and in a few months you should be up at least one weight class if not more as long as you keep to your regular healthy eating habits, just like you wanted. By Tim’s calculations within the year you should gain enough weight to have a thicker figure, though you may always retain this thinner “ballet-ques” figure...you will more closely resemble the figure of girls your age.” I stared up at him then at the vitamins and sniffled, fighting off tears of joy. All those weeks with Tim and his seemingly just curious questions about my species and their anatomy...the “ case files”...I owed Tim a lot for this.

“ It was Dick’s idea, after all that happened two months ago.” The softer tone brought a smile to my face and I nodded, barely restraining the urge to hug Bruce while he was in the cowl.

“ T-thank you...thank you this means more to me than you know…” He nodded and turned to leave but I caught the ghost of a smile on his face as he walked away.

And once he had I ran back into the training room and tackled Dick to the ground with a ecstatic howl, shifting mid leap into wolf form and licking his face in gratitude, making him laugh as he lazily tried to push away my affection.

I started taking them that day, and it took a few months for a noticeable difference to take place, but it did. My clothes and uniform stopped hanging off me like a walking scarecrow and I started developing the beginning of a feminine figure. I stopped trying to stuff my face too much at every meal and with every week after my self esteem raised back up a little higher. Maybe people saw it in the big, wide crooked smiles in pictures of me now, no matter who they were with. Or maybe the team saw it in the fact I stopped trying to hide my body in layers of clothes, walking around in my favorite tank top after missions instead of over sized sweatshirts and shirts, or the fact I didn't mind sudden pictures taken of me. Regardless it showed and in time I was more than happy to show off that confidence. Throughout it all Jason made near constant visits between jobs to make sure I didn’t have too major of setbacks and Dick stayed by my side as often as he could, supporting me and being a physical reminder almost that I was never alone.

And I didn't feel alone.

And one day as I was getting ready for an outing I paused in front of the mirror and looked at myself, looked at my slightly more filled out tank top and the small curve of slightly more defined hips and an actually fairly filled out stomach, a fuller figure to match my broader than normal shoulders. I slowly looked into my own eyes and after a moment I began to smile.

Somehow….I didn't hate looking into the mirror as much as I used to.

“ I do not look that bad. I look fine.”

“ Gracie c’mon you coming? C’mon the others are gonna leave without us!”

I smiled at my reflection wider before running off out of the room after Jaime’s voice.

“ Im coming!!”

I dont look that bad.

And now I could finally start to see that.

The end.

OOOOOOOH ITS FINALLY DONE ITS FINALLY DONE!

Ive been working on this for three months now and it was really difficult to finish. Originally it wasnt supposed to be so angsty but...it turned out really angsty at the end.

@phantommoonpeople

@kid-crashed

@call-me-n0ni-chan

Tagging those I know will want to read this

I hope you all like it!!

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knight-gwaine · 7 years ago

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i keep talkin bout you bc youre my only real way of measuring my progress. you were the best and worst. yesterday or honestly whenever, i made posts along the lines of some shit like you suck ass, which ya do, but if you got your life together we could be friends or sum. but i mean. that’s a concept. what i’m realising is that every day, i’m getting further away from you. and that is a GOD DAMN BLESSING. i say all these nice things but thats for the fake fun and great version of you that exists in my head as just a comforting thought when i feel like thinking about love. but damn, i keep forgetting until i really think about it that, i literally am so fucking happy to be away. i am so happy we never have to be friends again and talk and shit. because you /seem/ cool, especially when we barely talk but if i had to actually deal with you. id rather punch myself in the god damn face. also wow it sucks that id still be down for your dick bc you be lookin like a god damn mess like eww??? i barely /actually/ see you and then when i do i realise oh yeah this b for real aint shit. like i wonder what he is actually getting done w his life. and okay, any progress is great. like if you on your own are trying. great. thats fantastic like im proud of you. everyobe works at their own pace. but in terms of me being friends w you. nah b, you lame as fuck. i aint got time for that. i have been meeting waaayy too many incredible peoole this year and have done waaay to many incredible things to be settlin for someone like you. idk dude. i see you. i hear things about you. i see the shit you do and say and i know you cant judge someone really unless you really get to know em or whatever but sometimes peoples social media and their friends can say a looooottt about them. a lot. and i do not. ever. wanna. fuck. w. you. HEEELLL NOOO.

as much as i wish for myself to never speak of you again and all that. i dont think thats going to happen for a long time. three years is a long time. even if this one seems to have lasted forever, three years is longer. and thinking back on all of it helps me realise how much ive progressed. and how much i keep progressing every day. i literally can only remember one. one. bad day. through this whole year. only one. maybe two? i remember one bad moment? but ive only ever had one bad day.

it is such a feeling. to finally. be free. all my emotions are controlled by me. i never feel depressed and alone on a cloudy quiet sunday. i never feel dreary when its pouring rain out. i never feel affected by the mundane weather. because i have done so much and i honestly will never stop. because what is the point in not trying to have fun and live your best life every moment of your life? fr that one song by anderson paak, i aint never comin down. i spent too much time bein scared and believing i was incapable and antisocial and no one likes me or whatever. but how do people get rid of their fears? you go out and face it. i feel like i can do almost anything now, im not gonna lie. like, if i really want to. because thats genuinely all it takes. if you WANT to do something, you will find a way to do it. so you will succeed. if you WANT to, even if theres everything stopping you, you find a way around it. once you realise that, nothing fucking stops you. i say this same old stuff over and over again but it just took me so long to learn and you hear about it but you never believe it. i still am amazed every day by how my life is now.

i have met some of the most phenomenal and successful people this year. i never would’ve thought first of all that they would even like me or want to talk to me but you would be damn well surprised by people’s kindness. growing up sheltered and being called annoying, dumb, and all other things, you end up believeing no one will like you its just automatic. this year, got to become friends with my favourite people that i always wanted to hang out with. i got to befriend amazing artists and photographers that are huge in my town. everyone who meets me automatically wants to be my friend. even strangers?? random people that sit next to me in class. doing leads you to meet people. and meeting people leads you to doing. its a fantastic cycle if you think about it. life is never boring. i appreciate all the small little things in my life so much more now. everything. if you arent happy with your life, find a way to make yourself happy. you arent stuck unless you give up and stop trying to change yourself. these. are the reasons why i wouldnt want you back in my life. my life is too phenomenal now. my life is too fantastic for you to be in you wouldnt fit. plus, i think im way too positive for you now. and i unapologetically love myself and every aspect of who i am now and i am constantly working on bettering me that i feel like itd just be too much? id be obnoxious to you i feel like?? and youd be boring. you would be boring. i like your interests. i love hearing what you have to say about music and movies and weird random facts but. i also dont trust you to be a good person. after all that you did too, nah. i dont need that negativity. it would be outrageous for me to believe we are connected in anyway. i hope. i mean this in all honesty with my whole being. i hope youre happy w your girl or whateva bc i want you outta mine. she better be takin fuckin care of your dumbass though i stg. i dont care when my boys get w other girls as long as i know their taken care of. vasya when he got w chelsea? immediately got over my crush for him and was happy af bc she was better than me. max, if he gets w anyone aside from cheyenne i will beat his ass. that b better fuckin be pushing you to strive for the best. she better be pushin you to realise your worth and what youre capable of and pushin you to try new things because LIFE IS TOO FUN TO NOT GO OUT AND HAVE FUN. COOK SHIT TOGETHER. GO HIKE. GO DANCE. DO SHIT. GROW UP. THINK SMART.

i fr dont know what the point of this post is im really out here just writin whatever comes to mind. bc one day i’m gonna go back through all my personal posts and ill remember how my life was rn and ill be like damn. that shit was sick as fuck. life was lit as fuck. tbh i think i was just really shook by that photo of you. ive been writing gay shit bout you for a while and then i saw that and i was like OH FUCK ABORT MISSION THAT B UGLY AS HELL AND HAS NO LIFE BACK OUT BACK OUT and now im here. straight shook. yeah. i dont want you in my life. my life is way better without you. i really am an unstoppable force right now. school is a motherfuckin one. friends are fucking precious and successful amazing wholesome human beings that are also out here doin the motherfuckin most im so proud i love all my friends we are all such successful people with amazing futures ahead of us god im so proud im 😭😭😭 we really out here chasin our dreams n shit. aND SUCCEEDIN. and money situation is L I T. ya baby’s got a fine ass mercedes w the best dad in the world getting me AUTOSTART for this cold winter???? ya baby be workin out and doin yoga everyday, abs comin in HOT. ya gurl developin as an artist with her dream school hittin her the FUCK up for her portfolio?? i am a for real artist now but i refuse to realise my big stuff. only sketches for now, dear world. the public eye doesnt need to see me as an artist yet. no. because they always will bc its always me. but no. i gotta act chill. this isnt the artist years of your life yet. you aint settled down yet no. now is time for fun, life, school, that grind 😤😤, and ecology. BE THAT SICK ASS SCIENTIST BITCH. BE SMART AS FUCK AND SAVE THE EARTH.

2017 got three more months left. i already know that im gonna have the funnest fucking time. fam is leavin for xmas and my sister’s moving out?? ff got house parties like wild?? EVERY MONTH??? northern lights are comin out??? you dont have to wake up early for school so you can go chase them??? A N D YOU HAVE A BUNCHA FRIENDS NOW TO GO WITH??? AND WINTER IS COMING SO THERES GONNA BE MORE EVENTS INSIDE TO GO TO??? AND MEET PEOPLE?? AND YA GETTIN MORE HIGHER PAYING JOBS WITH HELLA TIPS??? YES. i said i was gonna make 2017 my bitch. boy the fuck did i and i am gonna end it with a muthafuckin bang.

#personal #way to hype myself up for the rest of the day

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marilyngogosworld · 8 years ago

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So before I start, I have one question that I am asking everyone. Please just say the answer to yourself and keep it in the back of your mind for now. I'll bring it back into play after I tell my story. Have you always felt like you are different than everyone else? You can't really explain how or why. I'm not asking if you were popular or not. You could be sitting in a room of hundreds of your close friends and family. Yet you have always felt like you are different. If you answered yes… Then I have a message for you. What if I told you that I could explain exactly why you have always felt that way. But first in order to understand my theory, I feel you must know some of my story. Before I left Arizona to start traveling I read this book , it changed my life. The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer. This book talks about only accepting positive energy, never negative. Yes you'll experience negative things in life. But you once experience it you are then capable of letting the energy of that experience go. That's it. No harboring that energy signature. You can't change what has happened. So why are you worrying about it so much? Let it go. The book then goes on about numerous other things that help you and your soul. But the thing that changed my life is when it talks about your “2nd Brain” that voice in your head that is non stop, that over thinks everything, that keeps you up and night and literally almost always winds up being negative. The book then guides through a meditation and if it’s done with your whole intention of success it will teach you to shut that “2nd Brain” up. To where you no longer have that voice constantly whirling through your mind at all times. Not one bit. Because let's face it...that voice isn't reality. What is reality then? It is right here and right now. This present moment. Wherever you are, with the people that are around you and the things in your immediate environment. That is the only reality that you can change. Not the reality of tomorrow. Nor the reality of yesterday. So please tell me why are you even wasting your energy on those thoughts of tomorrow and yesterday? Why in Gods name are you even thinking about it? I did that meditation and I no longer have that voice. It's so freeing and peaceful.Once I was able to hush that constant noise I started to notice something different, a sort of 6th sense so to speak . I start feeling , yes feeling, these colors … At first that was the best way to describe it . I was working in a club in Tulsa Oklahoma, and it was a rather small club , where I first noticed this . And I was sitting next to a customer , and kept feeling ORANGE,BLUE,ORANGE,BLUE,ORANGE, BLUE. That feeling was so strong that It was completely overtaking my mind and it was as if his conversation with me was in the background . So after having a mini internal freak out , I realized it was his energy his Aura that I was feeling . So I got out my phone and trusty old Google.com and looked up the color of people's auras. Handed this customer the phone and asked him to read those two colors, and let me know if that describes him. Well it was spot on ., and since then I have been spot on 99.9% of every time I read someone . I can feel the color of people's auras . I had a gift , thats what I like to call it at least. A gift that I was able to hone in on and push its boundaries, the strength of my mental capacity , the ability to make it stronger, and more able to control. I became capable of being in control of my energy to the point of it affecting others if I wanted it to . So fast forward to this year , Feb 2016 . Im sitting in my favorite dive bar in Tulsa, Oklahoma once again, writing on my blog like I always do, When a middle aged gentleman comes into the bar and go and gives everyone a hug, I had no idea who this was mind you . Then he proceeds to sit across the bar from me , looks up at me and asks “ What are you doing? Writing in your diary ?” with a smug grin on the scruffy face of his Me- “ NOOoooooo, Well actually ya kinda , it's my blog , which is a story about my life … So yes , yes I guess I am writing in my diary .” Him - “ Well I have a story for you .” Said very matter of factly Me- “Oh really ?? Do tell “ and i cross my arms in front of me . “ In due time , in due time “ he said I shrug my shoulders and go back to my writing . Well a couple hours pass and the gentleman's friends that came with him finally left . And he then came and sat right next to me . He leans back, looks at my wings I have tattooed on my back and says …. “Angel wings huh?? ….. Very fitting . “ I shrug off the comment , I knew they weren't angel wings , they had their own meaning , and I knew that . And that's when things got a bit intense , and my whole direction in life changed . He then looked me straight in the eyes , a little too close for comfort in fact and said “ You have no idea how powerful you are do you ?” Instantly the hairs on the back of my neck stood at attention , a mental warning to myself , because I hadn't had told hardly anyone about my gift. How did he know ? My feelers went out and I began reading him , he wasn't evil , or even negative at all , it was a different energy and color but it wasn't bad by any means . Now intrigued with this creature , I came back to reality , and he then made another statement , just as intense as the first. “ You have no idea WHO you are , now do you ? Knee jerk reaction stick out my hand to shake his and with a shitty grin and a higher pitched voice that usual said “Yes I do my name is Alina Gifford “ being the smart ass that I can be . He rolled his eyes while grumbling out a very funny . He then proceeded to write down this name on a piece of paper and scooted it over to me, telling me to look this up . And what popped up on the screen was a picture of an archangel , Metatron . Now if you have never heard of metatron , I suggest you look into it . And all the other archangels in fact. You'll understand why here in a minute . So Metatron is an arch angel sent down here to meet like minded people tell them, who they are , their purpose , and then to write the truth about it . That last part is what really caught my attention - Write the truth about it - Well I AM a writer, and every single one of my stories are 100% the truth besides the names of the people involved . Being so confused and not really wanting to connect the dots with this archangel and I .. I played dumb and stuttered out “ So what is this ? …. This is me ? This is my arch angel? I don't get it “ “This is your archangel yes , but he is guiding you with his purpose as well , that is why you are here , this is your divine path. I know you have unique capabilities , as do I , Mine is more of a messenger type path , that's why I am here tonight . I knew that I needed to go out tonight to find someone , I didn't know who until I saw you. This is what you must do, you have to to find the ones that have a gift like you and I and tell them. “ ME . - I can't do that people are going to think that I'm crazy, telling them they have a gift?! Him - “You can, and you will. That is the only way that they will know answer to tap into their gift you must tell them because the ones that have a gift are the ones that are meant to stay and populate this earth. You must find them , and tell them because bad things are going to happen very soon and we need everyone that has these special abilities to be ready. Because there is going to be death all around us , chaos , and mass destruction.” He told me that the people I would meet wouldnt be the ones that just had an easy life , that had everything handed to them . They would be the ones that had lived a harder life, that had been knocked down so many times, but always got their butts back up and made it work. He said that “We” did that so that the ones with a gift would have empathy for others when times got hard , and would help up their brothers and sisters even if they were that homeless person on the street, They would know that they had a good soul and needed to be here in the world. The messenger also said that know that I know my gift that the gifted ones would basically FLOCK to me . They would feel drawn to me , almost as if they had to meet me , and once meeting me would feeling completely comfortable telling me things they never tell even their closest of friends. He went on to explain a bit more and with his every word I could feel that it all was the truth. Not once did I even question it . My soul knew that it was the truth. I’m sure that you all are either intrigued because this hits home , or you think I’m bat shit crazy. Some of you might already know what Im talking about , some might not , but just know this , if You answered the question I asked above with a YES , then you have a gift , and this gift will eventually make itself known. If you train your mind to quiet that 2nd brain, the overthinking , the racing thoughts , the often negative thoughts that pull you from living in the now . That is when your gift will be able to come out and be noticed . Because its not being clouded by those constant clouding thoughts . Now each one of you will have a different gift and your own perception of it is unique. I have started to categorize these gifts yet not one individual will necessarily be like another. There are: Protectors - the ones that have an innate ability to walk into a room and see what is going to happen before it happens and instinctively protect. Healers, Seerers, Master Communicators, Nurturers, Warriors, Lightworkers, as well as a few more. I know you all are questioning this whole theory, some with intrigue and some with doubt. That's what I want you to do. I want you to question your very existence. Your reason for being here on Earth. So that you can begin to expand your mind. I will give you a very simple way to know if the information you research is true or a falsity .Now I employ you all to do some research of your own , and the way you know the truth , although not the easiest pill to swallow and your mind might try to sway you to the logical explanation . But if you feel a tightness in your chest , and anxiousness when pondering this topic then that's obviously not the right answer or the right way , now if you feel at peace , and calm , that is the truth. Your soul knows where it needs to go. And since that night, with so much information to process , I began on my divine path . Meeting all kinds of people , being open to everyone and their energy. Going on these adventures that I never thought I'd ever experience, especially because they were spiritually driven . And meeting so many people with these amazing gifts. With all of them having a common denominator of feeling like they don't fit in , that there is and has always been something more to life . I finally came up with a name for all of as well , we are the misfits of society . And I am so excited to meet more of you , to come find you, and help you understand and fill that void that you feel, fill it with your true purpose to be on this earth my misfits and I grow stronger and more knowledgeable as we enlighten our minds with the truths of this amazing universe and what it has in store for us .

#march #2017 #March. 2017 #Chrono #quotes

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