#i have so many health problems if i was homeless i really think i would die

[lesbiankingphil]

......

[subwaysurf45]

The Art of Sleep

Summary: Bucky Barnes was known to be reackless with his health, especially  when it comes to his sleep. Doing the bare minimum as a girlfriend you knew you had to make sure he was sleeping for midterms. Bucky couldn’t disagree more. 

Words: 5k

Warning: Angst, a little fluff, Bucky being an asshole for a while, edging breakups, insomnia, stress of midterms. 

Masterlist

It was pretty late and you were sitting alone in your bed, an empty bowl of popcorn beside you as the credits of your favourite movie rolled. You wiped your tears , gets me everytime and found your phone that was sitting, plugged in, on the small nightstand you found on the edge of someone’s yard, they had been trying to throw it out. 

You took your phone over to your bathroom, looking through the few notifications to see if Bucky had texted you. You two definitely had your cheesy goodmorning or goodnight texts regularly but since it was nearing midterms you wanted to make sure Bucky was getting enough sleep and actually going to bed - he had a habit of staying up really late. You could tell when he was lying about getting some rest, the bags under his eyes betrayed him as he pleaded to you he didn’t sleep at his desk last night. 

It was always a problem but it became a real issue last semester when he dozed off on a date. You had left to go to the washroom before leaving and ended up taking longer than needed as you went into a stall without toilet paper. You texted him to come in and help but he never responded, so you waited until everyone left before quickly scurrying to the next stall. 

When you walked out his chin was tucked into his chest and he was sleeping, he looked homeless with his stubble, messy hair, deflated face, and just a sad look in his eyes. It physically pained you in many ways as you became his human crutch, getting him to the car and having to drive his stick-shift because he was way too tired to operate a vehicle. 

YOU: hey honey, just thinking about you and wanted to say goodnight, I hope you get some good sleep 

The toothbrush vibrated in your hand as you brushed your teeth, phone still in your hand as you waited for a text back. Not in the sense that you wanted the immediate reassurance or that you expected for him to be waiting hand and foot for you, you just wanted to know if he was nearing sleep. He’d be honest in his texts, sometimes saying he was nowhere near ready to head to bed and there was nothing you could do to force him.

After brushing for a while and getting no response you tried again, deep down you were a little worried. Being optimistic was extremely hard because of past patterns, you’d be the dumbest person alive to think that he was sleeping and would see your text in the morning. No, that’s not Bucky. 

YOU: hey baby, me again, just want to make sure you’re all good - I’m heading to bed soon and just want to know if you’re in bed, your desk, the library, out getting food. Let me know!

Beginning to grow was the icky feeling, as you tried to think of something positive you could feel your gut telling you a different story. Still in your bathroom you looked in the mirror, looking at yourself as you took a deep breath in and out. 

“Don’t be a crazy girlfriend,” you whispered, “don’t be crazy, be logical,” your hands fiddled with the loose tank top you wore to bed, “he’s probably just sitting at his desk dialed in, like always.” you nodded at your reflection and glanced at the time, there was a pattern with his sleep habits and right now he should be in his room, but he would have answered if he was at his desk. 

As you tried not to be crazy you pulled out your phone again and called Bucky, getting to voicemail and not even bothering to leave a message. The next best option was to call Bucky’s roommate, Steve, it was the least crazy option than a hunt down mission. 

“Hello?” Steve’s voice cut in after the third ring. 

You sighed, “hey, Steve - look I know it’s late so I’ll cut to the chase,” you sat on the edge of your bed, “is there anyway you could see if Bucky’s in his room, he hasn’t been sleeping lately and I just want to know if he’s getting enough sleep or if he’s sleeping at his desk because that causes this massive knot on his shoulder which then-” 

“Yeah, I’ll go check,” Steve grunted as he most likely stood up. You waited with your hand over your mouth, aware of your rambling now. “He’s not there.” 

That pit in your stomach began to grow, “do you know where he is?”

“He’s normally calling his mom right now,” Steve said, “we’ve been having internet issues off and on but he doesn’t miss his call with his mom, you know how he is with his Ma.” Steve paused, “even if it wasn’t skype, he'd be phoning her right now.” 

“I’ll call his mom,” you offered, “that won’t make me seem crazy right?” 

Steve paused for a second, “I mean…” you could hear him scratch his head, “in this particular situation- no -you’re no crazy because he’s been a zombie these last few days, like, no sleep or food or anything,” Steve took a moment again, “it’s kinda sad to see your best friend slip away for one month each semester, he’s lost weight and just looks like a shell of himself. I’m just rambling, I’ll let you call his mother, let me know when you find him.” 

“I’ll take him back to my apartment, go to bed and I’ll text you so you can see in the morning,” you and Steve said goodbyes before hanging up, leaving you to wonder where he was. 

Calling Winnie made you look desperate, you knew that, but the fact that Steve didn’t know where Bucky currently is is a massive problem. With his altered state you knew he shouldn’t be driving but that could be where he is for all you know. 

Winnie picked up faster than Steve, “hello?” she sounded more urgent, “what’s going on?” 

You were confused for a second, “hey, Winnie,” you smiled so she could hear your happiness, “I was just wondering if Bucky skyped you earlier today?” 

“N-no,” her voice shook, “I’ve been trying to call him but he’s not answering at all, I was about to call you to see where he was - can you find him?” 

“Not yet,” you dropped your head into your hand, “I’m really worried and Steve doesn’t even know where he is, he’s never this silent.” 

“No he’s not,” Winnie quickly replied, “this isn’t good, this mother instinct or whatever it’s called is not looking too good. If I was closer I’d be breaking into every library trying to find him. Last week he was telling me about these papers and practice quizzes he needed to do.” 

“Yeah he told me about those too,” you sighed as you looked into your washroom, staring off into space. “It’s just that he normally responds, especially to a phone call.” 

“I know,” Winnie seemed distraught, “he’s not doing too well right now, he always gets in his head around this time. He-” she took a shaky breath, “he’s my little boy and he’s losing his mind over midterms and tests and I just want to give him a hug, it’s hard to listen and see him cry to you every week or couple of days, I can’t give him a hug.” 

“I know,” you nodded to yourself, “I’ll find him, alright?” 

“Keep me updated, please,” she pleaded. 

After you hung up the only place you knew you had to go was the library. The issue was there were multiple libraries, with different private rooms, and different floors. It would take all night to find him if you checked everywhere, you knew his favourite libraries but they had their perks and their cons. 

As you walked onto campus you saw a few kids walking around, leaving the facilities and heading home for the night. The moment you walked into the library you were met with the most deafening silence you’ve ever experienced, no one even looked up as you walked around. You checked desks and study rooms, interpreting groups or people just wanting a more secluded space. 

The few people who looked up gave you dirty looks, not understanding why you were aimlessly walking around and not finding a spot to begin studying. Being as quiet as possible, you looked around, even going into the men’s washrooms in case Bucky fell asleep on the toilet; nothing could be ruled out. 

It was no luck, you began your walk to another library. As you walked you texted Steve and Winnie, keeping them updated. You looked around Bucky’s contact information to see if you could get his location on your phone but he had that turned off, one of Winnie’s rules, but you also wanted to see if he was active on any social media recently. 

Instagram had nothing, so did his Snapchat, his messages didn’t have his location so you were at a loss. Finally you opened TikTok, maybe there was a location setting on there he forgot to turn off, you scrolled for a while to see if he had commented on anything or reposted something. Nothing, it was like he had vanished. 

Before closing the app you reached your school’s cringy TikTok page, they had just posted something and you decided to watch. You were just walking and Bucky had half a brain to know not to sleep in an alleyway, you needed something to keep you motivated. The video was about studying for midterms and the library having different perks. 

“You’re kidding me,” you watched the video again, having to listen to these annoying student body members speak. Looking closely you saw kids sleeping around the library as they recorded, they were in the background. “If he’s sleeping…” you trailed off as you watched. 

That stupid mustard colour windbreak stuck out like a sore thumb. 

Bucky was curled in the corner of a bookcase with his windbreaker being used as a blanket, his bag was his pillow as he peacefully slept while these kids showed off the white noise speakers used in this section of the library. No wonder he fell asleep, white noise knocks that grandpa out like nothing else. 

“Bucky, I swear…” you clenched your jaw and opened the library door, you knew exactly where he was. As you reached the third story and into the white noise area you saw the jacket. Very slowly, you approached him and kneeled down, seeing his peaceful face as he curled up into himself. “Bucky-Bear, wake up,” you whispered and jostled him around, “wake up.” 

“I’m almost done with the question…” he muttered and your heart broke, “...just…” 

“Honey,” you shook him a little harder, making him actually open his eyes. He looked around for a while before locking eyes with you, “hi,” you smiled, “it’s home time now, okay?” 

“Home time?” He was like a toddler when he was overtiered or just waking up, it seemed he was both right now. “I can’t, I have another-” he broke off into a yawn before leaning into your side, feeling your warmth as you rubbed both shoulders. 

“We’re going to my place,” you threw his arm around you and helped him stand, “this is getting out of control.” 

The walk to your place was silent, Bucky stayed silent as you grumbled about having to be his human crutch again. He knew you had been on him recently about getting a good sleep and here he was, sleeping in the library with his backpack as his pillow. Every so often he’d look down at you and see your stern face, just trying to get him home. 

“I’m sorry,” he offered as you both waited in the elevator. 

“Your mother was worried sick,” you said as the doors opened, “so was I, so was Steve- and Steve doesn’t worry about anything and yet he was worried about you,” you lugged Bucky out and towards your door. 

“I’m sorry,” was all he could say again. 

“Well I don’t think you are,” Bucky stood on his own as you unlocked the door, “I think you don’t care at all, you’re just saying sorry because you feel it’s appropriate for this situation,” you spoke harshly and Bucky looked offended, “because if you really were sorry, this wouldn’t be happening, this isn’t the first time,” you opened the door for him, “and if you really were sorry this wouldn’t happen again- we both know that’s dumb to even think that, right?” 

Blowing right past him and into your apartment left him stunned, Bucky slowly walked in. He was still waking up and not at all ready for an argument. He didn’t even know what day it was and here you were scrambling around the kitchen trying to get him some food, he just stood there. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. 

You scoffed, “I’m fucking sick of hearing that,” you turned around to face him, “you’re not actually sorry at all, at all.” you worked on the sandwich and Bucky slowly sat down, walking on eggshells around you. After pressing the bread together you almost threw the plate in front of him, but you slid it, “call your mom, you missed her skype call.”

“What day is it?” he asked but you walked right past him, “y/n?” 

“Look at your phone,” you called over your shoulder, “and while you’re at it, check all the missed calls you got, all the texts, and the worried messages from the people who love you and hate to see you like this,” you placed your hand on the doorknob, “the only reason I’m offering my bed is because I have a feeling you haven’t slept on a real bed in many nights, if that wasn’t the case you’d be on the couch.” 

“Yeah,” Bucky nodded, “I’ll be there in a second.” 

You could hear talking on the other side of the door, it was obvious Bucky had called his mom because of his little to no talking. The only thing he was saying was apologies, getting cut off and most likely berated for how reckless he was. You laid on your bed and reflected on how bad he was getting, sunken eyes and unkempt facial hair; he was not the kid you met at the bar with his stupid smirk. He was a completely different person, it happened every midterm and exam season. 

On the edge of sleep the door creaked open, Bucky was slowly making his way to the bed as he took off his clothes and stayed in his boxers. The bed dipped and you felt him get comfortable, you had rolled onto your side by now, curled up and trying to fall asleep. 

From his little twitches you knew he was awake, his breathing was steady but not deep enough for him to be asleep. He was on his back and you knew he normally slept on his stomach, he wasn’t even trying to make it seem like he was trying to get some shut eye for you. Waiting for him to do something, nothing happened. 

“Hey,” his voice caused your heart to jump, “I’ll be up and out early in the morning.” 

“What if I want you to stay for a day?” your finger began to play with one another, you were nervous to talk to your own boyfriend. 

“I-” he sighed, “I won’t really be here, I’ll be thinking about my work tomorrow and that’s not fair to you.” 

“A lot isn’t fair right now,” you quickly jabbed back. 

“Alright,” he sighed, annoyed, rolling so his back was to you, “I’m going to sleep.” 

“Good.” 

After a moment had passed Bucky ripped the sheets off of him and stood up, making his way to the door. You quickly sat up as well, letting the sheets pool at your waist, “where the hell do you think you’re going?” 

“I’m sleeping on the couch,” he threw open the door and slammed it shut, leaving you alone. 

“The hell you are,” you muttered and stood up, reaching for the door and whipping it open. You saw him already making his bed with a throw pillow and blanket you always had resting on the back of the couch, “you’re really going to get petty now?” you walked over to the couch with crossed arms, “you’re a fucking child.” 

“Maybe I am,” Bucky said as he slipped under the faux fur blanket, “but I’m not sleeping in your bed when I can feel you wanting to rip my head off.”

“I don’t want to rip your head off,” you threw your arms out to the side, letting them slap against your thighs, “you’re too sleep deprived, malnourished, fucking stupid to see what I actually want to do to your head is twist it on right!” you could see his confusion, “I want to make you think straight and see how you’re slowly decomposing right in front of me- during that study session you just took out of, how much did you actually obtain?” 

All Bucky did was sit up and clench his jaw, balling up the blanket in his fists. 

“Nothing,” you filled in the blank for him, “fucking nothing for what?!” you leaned forward, “you’re not actually learning anything, this doesn’t work and I hate to see you like this all the time it feels like-” you run your hands down your face, “I have to worry about myself and take care of myself while I also take care of you because you seem to put no effort into actually taking care of yourself- when was your last shower? Last proper meal? Last piece of fruit you ate? Huh?” 

Bucky was getting increasingly more angry, the redness crawling up his neck as the veins began to push against his skin. You could tell he had an arsenal of things to say to you, things to get under your skin and say just to hurt you but he held back, just staring at you. As you stared at him you could feel the anger like a radiator, you were surprised steam wasn’t blowing out of his ears. 

“I don’t need you to babysit me,” he snapped. 

“Then who will?” you cocked your head, “who’s gonna make sure you eat and sleep and shower, huh?” 

“Me,” Bucky stood up from the couch, “on my own terms.” 

“Your own terms is your fancy way of saying never, and you know that,” you crossed your arms, letting couch divide you, “this isn’t good for you, I know deep down you agree with what I’m saying.” Bucky just rolled his eyes, “I can’t be there for you all the time to make sure you’re okay-”

“Then don’t be there!” he screamed, “then don’t fucking be there and dump my ass, why haven’t you thought of that?!” You coward into yourself, feeling repulsed at what he was saying, “if you really, really hate how I handle myself then fucking leave me- I don’t need you to take care of me-”

“-Bucky-”

“In fact,” he paused for a moment, thinking about the words that were sitting on the end of his tongue, ready to leap out and stab you in the heart. “I don’t fucking need you at all.” 

“Get out,” you felt your eyes water, “get the fuck out,” you pointed to the door, “and fuck you for somehow making me the bad guy for just trying to make sure you were okay- being a good girlfriend and making sure the guy she loves-” he began to walk to your bedroom, you followed, “-is taking care of himself.” 

Bucky began putting on his clothes, not listening to anything you were saying. You kept talking, following him to your front door, trying to plead with him to stay as you also told him your point of view. Right before he was about to leave he turned around, “you’re a fucking leach, you know that right?” 

He slammed the door in your face, leaving you crying at your front door. Wondering if you had left him in the library…no, you couldn’t think about that now.

********

Waking up the next morning left you feeling almost more tired, you laid on your back and took in what had just happened last night. What it meant for your relationship, the things he said to hurt you. Am I a leach? Am I too clingy? Was I really overstepping? 

These answers could only come from Bucky because your biased opinion made you think you did nothing wrong, but if he stormed out like that then you must have done something to provoke him. Seeing if Bucky had sent you anything, you opened your phone to see a reminder sitting at the bottom: Bucky had a midterm today. 

YOU: Hey love, I know things got crazy last night but I just wanted to wish you good luck on your midterm, I know you’ll do great!

After a moment you watched to see if he’d respond right away, a bad habit that you were beginning to form. A moment passed and there was no answer, the midterm was later in the afternoon so he might be sleeping in. Part of you found that more comforting, the delayed viewing from Bucky made you reach out less nerve wracking. 

YOU: if you need a ride there or back from your midterm let me know, I was hoping to talk today about what happened but I don’t want that to affect anything today, just forget about it right now and ace that midterm!

Bucky never responded but you didn’t expect him to. You knew he was fully captivated by his midterm and you were not about to throw him off, testing for him caused a lot of anxiety and the last thing you wanted was to throw a wrench into his worries 

Not having a midterm today, you took the time to study at the library. You were planning on staying there for a while, having some snacks and lots of water to support your big study day. In your little corner spot you began to work tirelessly on your notes, while also keeping your eye on the time for when Bucky was done his midterm. 

Time did escape you for a while, your noise cancelling headphones keeping you in the zone. The only reason you saw Bucky’s text was when they appeared on your computer screen, they had gone to your phone but you weren’t paying attention to that at all. 

BUCKY: Hey, love, done my midterm and I’d really like it if you picked me up. I think a conversation would also be great, I just want to apologize. 

You couldn’t help the pout that formed on your lips. Though you wanted to hear him out and really lay it into him that his words hurt you could just tell he was feeling remorse, Bucky was never the type of guy to come after you; he just slipped up sometimes. 

Thankfully your studying schedule had given you a break right when you needed to leave, so you packed everything up and headed over to the gymnasium to pick Bucky up. This midterm overlapped with other degrees so they needed a large space for everyone to write, lots of kids were already heading out while you waited in your car. 

You leaned forward to try to get a good picture of him as he walked out of the building but he was taking a long time, instead of leaning you got out and rested against the hood of your car. Kids were leaving and walking right past you, Bucky had texted you he was done a few minutes ago and it didn’t make sense he was taking this long to leave. 

Once you saw the door open again you saw Bucky walk down the steps, a soft gasp left your lips when your eyes flew to the flowers in his hands. He was halfway down the steps when you finally made eye contact with him, only then did you see his bloodshot eyes. 

“Oh,” you cooed and ran up to him, accepting his bone crushing hug as he sobbed into your shoulder. “Bucky,” you sighed and brushed his hair back, you could feel the flowers press against the back of your head as he held you as tight as possible. 

“I’m such an ass and an idiot,” he cried, “I can’t bealive I said those things- I don’t know who I was last night but holy fuck I’m so sorry,” his fists balled up your sweater. 

Quickly, you led him to your car, helping him into the passenger seat. The two of you sat there for a while, Bucky just held both your hands in his own as he cried. His apologies came out strangled, like the sorrow was choking him.

“What hurt you the most?” he looked up and tear tracks were painting his face, “I need to know how badly I hurt you.” 

You sighed and looked out the windshield, “you called me a leach, Bucky.” 

His jaw was so clenched you could hear his teeth crack, “fuck,” he gritted out, “baby-” he scratched his stubble, “y/n, you have no idea how much I didn’t mean that at all. I don’t think you are a leach or too clingy or anything but perfect,” he looked over at you, “I just wanted to say something to make you go away even though you were right, I did need you to pull me out and I-...” he sighed and squeezed both your hands, “I get if you want time to yourself or you want to break up because of what I said- baby, I totally get it because what I said was just plain rude-”

“-Bucky,” you reached up and cupped his cheek. 

“Let me finish, baby,” he sighed, “you were so right and I’m still not fully back from where I was, I do need you and the fact that I had people worrying about me showed how far off the deep end I was. You were the only one who called me out,” Bucky took a moment, “and because of that I resented you for that moment, but I know now that what you did was the best thing that happened for me. If you want to stay with me or not.” 

You shook your head and took the flowers that were on his lap, “are these for me?” 

Bucky nodded, a new wave of tears forming, “I bought them on the way here because I just- I couldn’t think straight.” 

You stared at the flowers and occasionally looked up at Bucky. His eyes were swimming with sorrow as he waited for you to say something, maybe he wouldn’t get better and would keep doing this to himself. Or maybe he did see this as a wake up call, he’d never looked this upset before. 

“I forgive you,” you whispered. 

The dam had opened up. In an instant Bucky was sobbing uncontrollably, thanking you. He leaned over the center console as he promised to never do that again, holding you tight to his body because he was afraid to let you slip again. You could feel his relief as he dug his nose into your neck and breathed in your scent, something that always made him calm. Your nails raked up his back and into his hair, trying to get him to calm down and stop apologizing. 

When you had somehow lugged him into his room he collapsed onto the bed as he brought you down with him. You rolled him on his stomach and began to work the knots, you felt during the hug, with your fingers. It took him a moment to realize what you were doing but soon he was groaning as you worked through all the stress kinks in his back and shoulders. 

After a while you rolled down beside him, letting him wrap himself around you. You could feel his steady heartbeat and breathing, his hands spread wide on your body to feel as much as you as possible. 

“I’m so tired,” he slurred. 

“You’re getting a minimum of twelve hours,” you whispered, “and I’m not fighting you on that.” 

“I’m never fighting with you again,” he scooched closer, “you’re always right and I’m always too zombified to understand anything.” You just giggled and leaned into him more, intertwining your legs with his as well. There wasn’t a body part that wasn’t touching Bucky. “My mom says hi by the way,” he kissed your forehead. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah,” he made you look up at him, “she says you’re the best thing that happened to me, I thought you’d want to know because I fully agree.” You hummed as you fell asleep, the warmth and the love was the perfect drug to knock you out. As you edged towards sleep you heard a deep rumble from Bucky’s chest. “Fuck,” he whispered, “I’m never getting that close to loosing you again.”

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[lavender--fairy]

i personal feel that this the problem a lot us are probably facing and thinking. i feel this is a topic to be discussed rather than saying "you have it now, the 4D is the only thing that matters, 3D is a reflection... blah blah blah". we should also consider the people who's struggling and suffering from serious mental health issues even though they know the LAW OF ASSUMPTION.

let's say they want to manifest good grade and their test is tomorrow they have nothing prepared so they just 'try' to manifest, claim it and sustain in that assumption and the next day they go to school with full hope and they doesn't know a single thing in that paper and yep they get a bad grade and get discouraged. i know i know, you be like circumstances don't matter it's because that is what you assume. if they were so passionate and hopeful about that why did they get a bad grade? many of them haven't even manifested a thing so far they get easily discouraged and give up. then they be like "let me revise it" and nothing is happening again, this shit is going on loop.

WE NEED TO STOP THIS SHIT!

the blogs and stuffs say that the 4D is real and the 3D is not important it's just a reflection. let's say your bills are due in an hour or so days and you gonna pay the 4D money? hell nah. what's the point of having it in the 4D if you're homeless and your stomach is empty. you say manifestation is instant, if it is so why isn't my assumptions not hardened into facts? we assume a lot of things and not seeing them get real pisses us off.

now let's take an example, i want a complete 360 turn of my entire life like nothing is same as before. i want to be in a different country, have different name, have different job, have different appearance, have different personalities, have different friends, have different family ...... everything is just different. and then I assume like "okay, I'm going to count to ten and when it reaches one when i open my eyes my reality is completely changed" (assumed) and then i do that and nothing changed and i gave up.

this is what is happening for a lot of us and it's even harder when they're a beginner to concious manifesting or haven't consciously manifested anything before on will.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF THIS THE CASE YOU'RE GOING THROUGH? WHAT WILL BE YOUR PIECE OF ADVICE.

if i make rules and if I assume that thing it's going to be like that why isn't it changing?

heyy butterbean!! listen i understand what you are trying to say and i really wanna help you out and i want you to cooperate with me alright? because its really hard after you've just rejected all the basic advice yk please let me help you. I want you to imagine something you truly desire, don't try to feel anything or try to follow any "rules", you don't have to,literally no rules, no "have tos" just imagine it being done, imagine the end. Like for instance imagine you having a different name, imagine someone calling you your desired name, or lets talk df imagine being confident and looking in the mirror and literally not being able to find a flaw, like maybe you dont like your nose right now and you think if you have straight teeth you'd look pretty but when you imagine you aren't even able to find something you want to change. Imagine people turning heads and imagine being confident doing things you are insecure doing now, imagine catching your reflection in a mirror or a store window and just feeling so happy that you look sooo good. Doesn't it feel nice ( if you feel nothing yet try this meditation ) ?? thats what you want to do everytime you think about your desire and in no time it will reflect, i promise, neville promises, the law promises. Moving on to

"you have it now, the 4D is the only thing that matters, 3D is a reflection... blah blah blah". I know you are frustrated but this is the law, thats how it works. 3D IS a reflection and there is nothing you or i and do about it, and its a good thing because if it is a reflection and if it reflects me than i can change myself. And ik you are gonna be mad reading this because you either don't know how to change self or you've tried different methods and nothing worked, well let me tell you something. The way to change self is by doing what YOU WANT in your mind, not what you think YOU HAVE TO , not what you think YOU SHOULD but what you WANT. Remove all the rules and do exactly what you want and then only will you be able to change self and it will be 100% reflected back, don't worry about it, you can always trust that. More about this (i love this post btw)

Another thing i notice is that you lack faith, do you really trust the law? do you fully believe that what you imagine will be reflected?? now dont be anxious if the answer is no because you can build your faith over time, and to do that manifest random things, just test it with anything you like, something small maybe or maybe try the ladder experiment. "the blogs and stuffs say that the 4D is real and the 3D is not important it's just a reflection. let's say your bills are due in an hour or so days and you gonna pay the 4D money?"

well if i ever am in that situation i will fulfill my desire of paying the bill and trust it fully and then watch it happen. And you can do it too, seriously if you think i wish i could imagine with ease, then do that, who's stopping you? the 3d? no no no the 3d isnt your obstacle, it isn't stopping you from imagining what you want...infact it will change as soon as you change self. Its you, really. Just fulfill your desire, and have faith.

Read edward art, drink some cold water, take a deep breath and release it with a sigh, stretch a little, you have got this !! hopefully this helps in one way or another.

[thatcryptidinthewoods]

Commander Kido is a Dad, actually.

Tumblr has once again tried to limit me with a 30-image cap and once again, I cannot be stopped. Full version can be found here.

Okay, so hear me out.

When Kido's first introduced, it's as this cold, distant leader who hates Neighbours and is running a strictly military operation.

But for someone who really hates Neighbours, he has a weird habit of taking in all these orphaned, homeless Neighbour kids. At first it appears like Yūma is the only exception, but then there's Hyuse, Yōtarō, his sister Ruka and Cronin.

There's other agents to think about too. There's a lot of characters in Border who, when you really think about it, would not normally be accepted into that kind of organisation. For example: • Taichi; he's incredibly clumsy, which causes him to break or knock over all sorts of things - people included. • Tsuji; he can't interact with women without having a mental breakdown, which is incredibly limiting on his ability to work with other agents. • Nasu; outside of the trion body, she's disabled and it's mentioned that her health is ailing. • Chika; despite her insane trion levels, she's incredibly inexperienced - having so much power yet not knowing how to wield it can be incredibly dangerous and destructive, it's a very high risk. • Osamu; the exact opposite of Chika, his trion levels are so low he's outclassed by pretty much every other agent in Border. • Kageura; he's incredibly easy to agitate and quick to respond with physical aggression. • Hatohara; she cannot shoot people, no matter how hard she tries, and if Border was any other organisation they wouldn't have spared her a single thought.

All of these are characters who would normally be considered "problems" or "not worth it". But in Border, they're not only openly accepted, but given the environment and tools they need in order to properly grow and develop their talents.

If Kido only cared about killing the Neighbours, Border wouldn't be like this. It wouldn't be filled to the brim with a bunch of teenagers who, in one way or another, would be considered the "outcasts".

Kido is cold and distant because he's the commander, the very top of Border, and his job is to put Border first. He's the one who has to make the ultimate decision to sacrifice the one for the many, so he needs that emotional detachment. But that doesn't mean he doesn't care, or that he isn't invested in this hoard of teens he's in charge of.

This is a core part of his character, and we see it in the way he interacts with the main cast.

When Osamu is first brought before the Border Executives, he's in trouble for going against Border's rules on C-Rank trigger usage. But the reason he broke those rules was because people were in danger, and the nearest qualified Border patrol was miles away. He acted to protect people.

While the other directors discuss and argue these points, Kido sits silently and listens. He doesn't say anything until every side has spoken their piece and all variables are on the table. He lets Kinuta and Netsuki point out all the issues and flaws and he lets Shinoda defend Osamu's decision. He waits.

And then, when he does speak, he starts by acknowledging Shinoda's point about the benefits of Osamu's willingness to act. He acknowledges that yes, that is absolutely a good trait to have, especially in terms of being an agent of Border.

But Border comes first, and part of that is maintaining unity. He can't support an agent going rogue because, while it might be for the right reasons, it could cause serious complications in the future.

Yet even so, he gives Osamu one last chance to fall back in line. He gives him an easy opening for staying in Border.

Osamu could've said that no, he wouldn't do it again, and he might've been let off the hook. But he doesn't, because he's honest, and Kido sees that.

Then Jin interferes, and he provides a reason for Osamu to stay that directly benefits Border.

How does Kido respond?

He agrees without hesitation. This way, Border is benefited and Osamu can still remain an agent. He doesn't need to choose between the one or the many anymore.

Then he learns that Osamu has contacted a Neighbour. Does he revoke Osamu's status as an agent? No. He doesn't even mention it, even though he literally just witnessed Osamu lie to a senior agent about his involvement with Neighbours.

What does he actually care about?

That there's an enemy running rogue in Mikado City. That the city and its civilians could be in danger.

Which leads us to how he reacts to Yūma.

Yūma is a Neighbour. That's all Kido knows about him at this point. Yūma is a Neighbour, the Neighbours hurt people and Border's job is to stop them. So Kido must ensure that this Neighbour doesn't hurt anyone either.

The very next thing he learns about the rogue Neighbour is that he has a black trigger. That whoever he is, he is twice as dangerous as a Neighbour is normally.

(Osamu, again, gets in trouble for withholding this information. And Kido, again, waits for everyone to say their piece about it before commenting - even though it would make more sense for him to punish Osamu on the spot.)

Jin suggests they make the Neighbour with the black trigger their ally.

There is merit to this, and Kido knows that - but he hasn't met Yūma like Osamu and Jin have, knows next to nothing about him except that he's one of their enemy and in possession of an incredibly dangerous weapon. So he chooses the good of the many.

Side note: at no point does Kido claim, or even imply, that Jin was wrong to believe they could make an alliance with the Neighbour. Kido recognises that Jin's suggestion is valid, it's just that his and Jin's priorities are different, so their decisions will ultimately be different as well.

Yet he still assigns Jin to catch the Neighbour, because Jin has Fujin - despite knowing full well that Jin is taking the opposite stance to him.

Kido isn't a fool. He is a very smart, perceptive man. He knows Jin's go-to tactic is abusing loopholes, the guy's whole shtick is literally bullshitting the rules. Which is why he's the least surprised when Jin pulls an Uno Reverse and claims he can't take the orders due to Border's chain of command.

Kido respects that Jin does not want to kill the Neighbour, and so he provides an opening for Jin to turn down the order without being disrespectful. In fact, Kido only becomes confused and surprised when Rindō changes the order. At no point does he take fault with any of the agents present.

Back to Yūma.

The third thing Kido learns about the black-trigger-wielding rogue Neighbour is that he is, allegedly, Yugo Kuga's son.

Now, he has more to think about. There's more variables to consider. If it is Yugo's son, then Kido has just initiated a manhunt against the kin of his old friend. But at the same time, it's also possible that the Neighbour is lying.

So things have become more complicated, and you can see it in his expression.

To add to this, Yugo is now apparently dead. So the black-trigger-wielding rogue Neighbour is also, if he is to be believed, an orphan.

In the span of a few minutes, the situation has taken a nosedive into very delicate territory. Kido, as the commander, must make the ultimate choice. And as is his job, he chooses to put Border first.

What follows is a mad scuffle between the different factions of Border as Tamakoma aims protect Yūma while Kido aims to collect his black trigger.

Remember, Kido does not know that the trigger is what's keeping Yūma alive. At this point in the story, this is a fact that only Yūma himself knows until he shares it with Jin and Replica tells Osamu. So Kido's goal is not necessarily to harm him, it's just to retrieve the trigger. Likewise, the order he gives the A-Rank agents is "to secure the black trigger currently at the Tamakoma Branch" and "you must secure this black trigger by any means". He gives no order regarding Yūma specifically.

When this fails, the executives start infighting. The situation is rapidly deteriorating and things are getting out of hand, so Kido must be the commander again and force things back into order. And of course, he must make a choice: if he lets the black trigger go, the situation will calm back down, but then Tamakoma will have two black triggers and Border will be at a political disadvantage.

So he chooses what will result in the best outcome for Border over Tamakoma. He once again chooses to sacrifice the few for the many.

But then Jin swoops in and presents him with an alternative. He offers Fujin in exchange for Yūma's admittance as a Border agent and, after some arguing, reveals that his enlistment will be a direct benefit for Border later down the line. So not only will Border get Fujin, but letting Yūma join now will reward them with a net positive in the future.

And with minimal hesitation, Kido agrees.

After this, the tension dissipates and the dust settles. Things return to normal.

In chapter 41, Kido finally gets to meet Yūma fact to face. For the first time, he gets to see Yugo's son, the kid who caused so much drama and infighting just a few weeks ago. And what does he see?

He sees a well-meaning, genuine kid who doesn't hesitate to help. Which is why he doesn't lie when he promises Replica that Yūma will be protected under Border.

Plus, a minor but important detail here is that Replica only asked for Kido to guarantee Yūma's safety ("I would like the Border Commander to guarantee Yūma's safety in exchange for this information") yet Kido specifies that so long as Yūma is a part of Border, he will guarantee both his safety and his rights. He made the decision on his own to protect Yūma's freedom and independence.

[seeinginthedark]

So this blog is being refused by the Facebook groups when I tried to post on there .

From a public health perspective, I’m worried about men as a population group , it’s declining . Their physical and mental health , their well-being. Their life expectancy is shorter than women’s . Men have increased suicide rates, increased mental health problems, increased chances of being homeless , increased heart attacks, increased incarceration rates. Increased chances of being victims of violence and murder. And victims of rape. Increased chances of joining a gang. In marriage break downs, they generally they get less parental rights of their children.

Society isn’t helping men at all with this . And society doesn’t like any form of masculinity, toxic or not , like it’s trying to eradicate it. Since the Industrial Age began , men have been treated as work horses and been sent off to fight and die in the world wars . Then the newer generation of men born after 1990 (and especially more so with men being born after 2000) quite a few of them aren’t even wanting to be men. Since changing your gender became an option .

Some of the men I’ve met who have done a lot of spiritual healing and the truth seeker types , I’m noticing some of them get to a level on their spiritual journey where they start thinking they are God. This can’t be healthy.

I was a dominatrix for a few years during my nursing degree , right before my spiritual awakening kicked off. I would get large sums of money to punish and ridicule the rich , powerful , elite men. What I learned is that the more richer they get, the more disturbed and perverted they get. I believe there is an agenda going on that is grooming men to be perverted. So many men on dating apps want dirty photos , they ask all the time . And married men too.

So I’m worried about the future of men . I have met some strange and beautiful men over the years . A lot of them have hurt me. Badly. But I’m not bitter or angry at men , I still care about them. And I realise that society isn’t good for them . I have four sons , no daughters . I’m genuinely worried for their future . I love men that were born in the 70’s. They are more staunch. Wholesome . That generation of men knows and remembers what it was like to date women before the days of social media . They remember saying “I’ll give you a call on Friday to see what you’re up to” on the home phone . And go days without contacting us. Now we have mobile phones and social media apps and the men wanting to pursue women , will text them constantly throughout the day . It’s clingy and insecure 😕. Men have an instinct to protect but I see a lot of domestic violence going on in my community. Paranoid men. Anger issues . And frequent “Agent Smith” attacks . That I have experienced. You’re probably reading this and thinking oh this woman attracts troubled and damaged men . Actually no, not really. I’m confident in myself , I have boundaries . I know my worth. I don’t attract them or seek them out . It’s not my issue to heal them . I’m just noticing trends over time , what is happening with them and the levels of toxicity is on the increase .

What do you all think ?

[cielles-random-vault]

a lonely confession

part two of my lonely series! though i realised this would've been better if events depicted here would've happened before the ones depicted in the first part but- i'm dumb don't mind me

also ! warnings : implied abuse + small description (being hit because of drunkness)

find part one here!

-Chilling all by yourself carinõ? Asked Miguel as he joined you on the rooftop.

You usually knew him as the strict leader who doesn’t feel anything. But somehow, after he saved you from a near death experience, the two of you instantly became close.

He rapidly knew everything about you, from your favorite color to how you became a spider-person, but also and specially your previous relationship.

It was… chaotic to say the least. As much as you loved your ex-partner, they were not the kind of lover that made you feel validated as a mentally unwell person.

You accepted a lot of things from them, the countless nights waiting for him to come back home, not knowing if he would, cheating, mental abuse and so many other things, but you drew the line at when they started hitting you when they were drunk. It may have happened only once, but to you it was too much. It happened earlier today, during one of the countless days he was drunk. No matter how much you loved them, it was just too much for you to handle for the sake of your mental health.

Now you were sitting here on a rooftop, wondering what you were going to do alone in the streets, with no clothes, no food but most importantly no physical shelter.

-Oh, hello Miguel, you say with an absent smile. I didn’t notice you were here. How’s life recently? You asked, vaguely.

-I’m… alright, but what about you? He asked as he notices your expression felt off.

-Life could be better. Well, it can’t in a way because I got out of my abusive relationship- you know, the one I always talk to you about- they hit me, so I decided it had to end. As much as I feel freed from this relationship I have nowhere to live anymore.  (you laid your back on the floor of the rooftop with your legs dangling in the void, the flashing lights of the animated city of New York below you.) I guess I’ll be able to steal some food here and there but I’m afraid I won’t have anywhere to live anymore.

He took an instant before answering.

-That sounds awful I’m sorry to hear that. How are you feeling?

-I don’t really know. We were together since high school so dumping them was a hard decision. Even though I know it’s for the better, I can’t help but think it’s my fault if it ended. Now I’m here, homeless and with no family to contact.

Even though your family was a sensitive subject, he knew it was a painful topic to approach. You sometimes tried to make jokes about your familial situation “ohh my parents are going to be so disappointed if they saw me now, hopefully they can’t” but everyone know it hurts you deep down.

-I don’t know if it can resolve your problem but you can come live at my place if you want. It has been pretty empty for a while now, and I’m not leaving you alone in this state. 

-Seems like I don’t really have a choice, you chuckle. I’m not complaining though!

The two of you headed to Miguel’s apartment.

His place was a charming little house in the downtown. It was not particularly big, neither had it anything special, but it gave you a strange warmth in your heart. For the first time in your whole life, you truly felt at home.

-Make yourself at home! He said with a frank smile.

-Thank you, you whisper, unused to that kind of kindness.

Time skip to some time- a week, maybe two, even a month? I don’t know but I don’t want the story to be repetitive and I don’t think Miguel is the kind of guy to fall in love fast (that doesn't make any sense since the two of you were long time friends, but you get the thing. Anyway, that was just me rambling so back to the story.

It was some months since you moved in Miguel’s house. You never questioned your feelings towards him: he was your friend and colleague. However, those past few months got you wondering how it would feel to have him as a lover. Whenever these thoughts crossed your mind- which was pretty often- you shook your head to stop them. But, after all that time, you couldn't get those thoughts out of your head. But he was just different when he was with you. He was kind, caring and sweet.

At night when you couldn’t sleep, you couldn’t help but wonder why, all of a sudden he invited you to live at his place.

Whenever you felt strange, you walked up to the rooftop and tonight was no exception.

Is he in love with me? You ask yourself in a mutter. There’s no way, you think, shaking your head.

As much as you did your best to suppress these thoughts, you secretly hoped they were true.

Is this how it feels to be treated right after years of an abusive relationship? It sure feels great…

-If you keep coming here so often I’m going to feel like you hate me, carinõ. What’s with the avoiding? Asked your best friend.

Your heart skipped a beat when you understood who it was. The more you tried to avoid him – at least when you were in the Spider-Society’s headquarters – the more your feelings for him seemed to grow. 

What was stopping you from being in love with him? It was not cheating - and even if it was it would’ve been nothing to everything your ex made you go through – but you somehow felt guilty for feeling love again. It was probably because of the years of mental abuse and gaslighting, both coming from your family and your ex, but with Miguel, it was different. He made you feel valid.  

-I don’t know… you start. I thought that if I stopped seeing you so often in the headquarters these feelings would stop but they don’t, in fact it’s as strange as if they seem to grow even more the more I try to stop. And I really don’t know why I feel this way; you probably just see me as friend – or even just as a colleague and –

He interrupted you by cupping your face and giving you a kiss on the lips.

You (obviously) kissed him back, not realizing what was happening. Surprisingly, his lips were as soft as silk.

When the two of you pulled back to take your breaths, a lot of questions rushed in your mind. What did it mean? Did that make the two of you official or was he just playing with you?

-Wait. What does this mean?? You ask, confused.

-It means I fell in love with the most wonderful soul in all the universes there possibly can be. He looked into your eyes before cupping your face again. It all made sense now; the helping, him inviting you to stay  at his place, Lyla always asking for you… Everything made sense, especially the strange warmth when you saw his messy morning face… You were simply in love with him, and the most wonderful thing is that he was in love with you too.

[metaphoricallylotus]

airing my grievances

| aug 2nd, 2024

in trying to stay true to myself, i find myself (for a second day in a row!!) writing out my feelings onto this blog. i am tired of running and want to stick to obligations that i have made, for once in my life. what this looks like is precisely this: writing despite not feeling like it, which i am absolutely not on this fine friday evening. i am exhausted and so emotionally drained that 1. have a harder time expressing them due to fatigue and 2. kind of emotionally numb since i use numbness to protect myself when i feel overwhelmed. however, this technique is not healthy whatsoever. so what has happened today and what have i been stressed about? well i've had to go into the city (without giving out details, i live in a suburb and had to drive further inwards towards the city core to buy some furniture for my new apt as university season is coming closer and closer) to run some errands and the spending aspect of furnishing a place for university is stressing-me-the-fuck-out! more on that later. i've also felt many feelings of nostalgia today, which will also be discussed.

so, why does pursuing an education have to be so stressful? money money money MONEY! the monetary aspect of life, especially in regards to renting out a place + sorting out things related to this have been stressing me out to the point where i have had really bad diarrhea and wake up at 7am in the morning and cannot sleep any longer due to my anxiety, despite still feeling rather physically tired. i am not in a terrible financial place, by any means of course. i am rather privileged in terms of capital. however, i have a rational/irrational (i have not been able to figure out if it is rational or not as i am still confused on how i truly understand the value of money) fear of going broke while pursuing my studies. i am worried that i will become homeless (not that i carry any stigma towards homeless individuals. the system is simply broken and we as a society really do not invest in these individuals as a whole. and don't even get me started on the factors that contribute to this). a question for me regarding this would be: so if you are so worried about being broke, why don't you just live at home with your parents while pursuing your education? well, i just don't think i could do it. commuting has various negative impacts on health and as someone who suffers from anxiety and really bad depression, i simply do not have any more energy to deal with the consequences associated with this (increased likelihood of development certain physical health conditions and the overall negative impact commuting would have on my energy levels + mood). i need a lot of time to recuperate and practice self care. this really cannot be done on any sort of public transportation, especially during a trip that would easily take 2+ hours. yes, this sounds like a "privileged" person problem but i do believe that if i were to commute, it would eventually result in me dropping out of university. on top of that, i really cannot live with my parents anymore. i need to break free as them as they are having a (negative) profound impact on me. i fear that if i live with them any longer, i will never be able to truly recover from the damage taken. the damage? two emotionally unavailable adults that judge me on everything that i do and i simply cannot take it anymore. in being emotionally unavailable, they cannot express their feelings properly. i am expected to comfort them, despite them never reciprocating this and even if they did, a daughter should not have to play this role. uncontrollable emotional outbursts ranging from expressions of annoyance to anything to white hot anger. they are codependent on me, from tech issues to directions to providing them with emotional support. i am tired of taking care of everyone but no one taking care of me. the worst thing is that they are completely unaware of the fact that 1. they are acting this extreme and 2. that it is deeply affecting me. and yes, i have tried to have conversations re: this but i don't get through to them. either this case of denial is intentional or unintentional. either way, it's rather frustrating. i also do not want to be in a relationship (platonic or not) where my major role of mine is to try to fix the other person! this is a useless and exhausting effort! save your energy by saving yourself! some may think that this comes off as selfish as "if you truly cared, you would try to change them no matter how many tries it takes." maybe so, but most of the time, trying to change someone simply does not work, especially if they do not want to or simply have an inability to change. at this point, you can only focus on yourself and do what is best for you. for me, this means putting a lot more distance between me and my parents and in the process, learning + undoing unhealthy behaviours and creating healthy ones instead. i believe at this point that this can only be done if i am on my own. through living long enough on this earth, i find that i am easily swayed by others emotions. i unconsciously mimic the mood of the room, even if it does not align with my actual morals on how should i react

continued in comments^ -------------->

PREVIOUS

| aug 1st

| aug 7th

[aguineapigcouldntdothis]

if you say "people should be mentally and/or physically tested before they're allowed to have kids" then you're already veering into eugenics territory. but if you dont believe that housing, access to food, mental health care, physical health care, and the work environment need to improve, then you have absolutely crashed your clown car into eugenicsville. like not only is making people go through tests before they have kids dehumanizing as fuck, it does nothing to address the actual societal problems that are frequently behind parenting issues. sometimes the abusive parent is just a dick for no reason but oftentimes there is a reason for it. their child doesnt deserve that treatment so why not actually help that person become better instead of prematurely punishijg them for a child they dont even have.

also do you really think anyone could be trusted to make a test that says whether or not someone can be trusted to reproduce? that thing would most likely be overflowing with ableism and classism among many other things.

the chances of you or i affecting the world on such a drastic scale that entire healthcare, housing, etc. systems change is pretty much 0. however you can do shit! volunteer at your local food bank, donate to a homeless shelter in your community (if you dont have money ask and chances are they'll let you know the supplies that will help), join or create a group that cleans up public areas in your town, support charity events near you (obv make sure they're real first), and bring a warm meal to a friend sometimes. you can do a lot fuckin more to make the world a friendlier place for children than setting up some random ass tests ever will.

also this is not discrediting the experiences of abuse survivors and im really sorry if it comes off that way. I've been through it and i know how fucking horrible it is. this is simply brainstorming ways that child abuse could be reduced by providing access to basic needs for both parents and kids.

[giritina]

When I lived in San Francisco, I saw a lot of people's reactions to the homeless. Even leftists would often be terrified of them. Most of the time they had a sympathetic reason. I knew many women who had been yelled at or even chased, and their relatives and friends further fed into the fear by trading vague warnings about areas with lots of homeless people being dangerous. What worried me was how these conversations often ended up devaluing the lives of those homeless people over the perceived potential victims. There was not a conversation about what fears and reactions were irrational or unfair.

As someone with psychosis I realized most people do not even have the first brick to build an understanding of psychosis. I learned this through how they viewed the homeless. A stranger, even one who was clearly suffering, who yelled at or even just spoke to you was considered a real threat to your safety. People who were especially willing to call the cops or avoid even setting foot near the homeless showed a similar discomfort when they found out I was mentally ill.

If you haven't had psychosis, I will try to describe the terror of it a little bit. It is like running from something trying desperately not to die, but everything around you is so horrific you wish you were brave enough to just give up. Everyone is scary but you are also more evil than them. Nothing is safe. Even the things that feel safe inside the delusion can really be killing you in the real world. You are tunneling inside your own brain endlessly, every moment you are about to die and also trapped in an unmoving millisecond of immortality.

I think it is very difficult to be on the street and not deal with some amount of psychosis. Not because it is the only reason people end up homeless, but because you are so profoundly isolated from the entire world. You are constantly beaten by the elements. By your body. By every conceivable thing. And just trying to keep living involves being constantly and ignored even in the most visible of places. In San Francisco most homeless people probably get ignored by thousands of people a day. Imagine existing in a world where the common wisdom is for people to put their heads down and not make eye contact with you, not speak to you, not acknowledge you in ANY way except to make the moves necessary to avoid touching you. You have now been cut off from the world of the everyday and only seem to be able to get the attention of other people who are cut off. Now on top of your poverty, health problems, addiction, trauma, racism & other isms, you are developing a consuming madness from the isolation.

I would also scream. I would also try desperately to get the attention of someone, anyone, in any way. I have known what it's like to feel like the only way to exist is to do something so insane people can't ignore you. I can't even imagine how hard it is to feel like that and also have nothing at all to support you. I can't imagine going through that and also being treated like you are genuinely invisible by hundreds of people.

I don't have a concrete solution for you except maybe to keep fighting for free ethical housing and every other human right. But I think you should consider that most people are not a threat to you and there isn't an easy way to figure out who is. People who are sane will hurt you and people who scream on the streets will not, and vice versa. But I have been hurt by many more privileged and together people. I kind of just ask that people who can't sleep because someone outside is screaming and crying out of obvious terror consider that they are inside on a bed and only inconvenienced, and the other party is trying to express they are in a living hell. And also maybe to say hello or spare a dollar for people so they can know you see them.

[simplepotatofarmer]

I hope I'm not offending you with this question, I'm curious about prison abolishment, and I'm really interested in it but I can't fully get into the idea. I honestly do not think a lot of crimes should be punishable by locking them away and forgetting about them. I always get annoyed that many people has it drilled into them that a person has to do time to 'redeem themselves' even when they've already changed at heart, and it bleeds out into fiction a lot.

But what if people who hurt others decide to continue what they're doing? What if someone was being stalked by someone dangerous, who has already repeatedly threatened them or their loved ones harm? Especially kids. Shouldn't they be locked up to keep from harming the victim(s)? I know we should expect everyone to be capable of doing better, but some people may choose to go back to hurting because it feels too good to stop.

If prison conditions were much better, like the ones in Norway or Finland, would that be a better compromise? Therapy would be given too.

i think the biggest thing about prison abolition to remember is, we can't do it with the way society is currently.

like, when i say that i want prisons abolished, i don't mean, 'if i could snap my fingers and tomorrow there would be no prisons' because there's a lot that needs to be changed as well.

if we start from the ground, we need to fix things like food scarcity, homelessness, education, and health care. if we don't fix those things, there's no hope for prison abolition to work.

and on that same vein, if we don't begin to treat children like people and give them more rights and protect them better, then it doesn't matter if we have prisons or not. because prisons may protect more people from getting hurt (and really, it rarely does, look at how many child sex offenders get out after just a little bit) but it doesn't stop people from being hurt.

so what prison abolition seeks to do, is figure out ways to stop that hurt from being done in the first place. and it's not gonna be perfect, it's not gonna be easy. but if we start taking things more seriously (like actually protecting kids and treating them like real people or taking stalking and threats as well, things to stop) and if we make the world better and we apply things like therapy and medication when needed, it'll start working.

like, we know all these warning signs, y'know? and currently, the police and society will see them and go 'well nothing we can do until they hurt someone!' and then they go to prison (maybe!!!).

people are being hurt and we're doing nothing until after the fact.

the point of prison abolition is to take down the whole system and start addressing these problems at the root cause, try to stop people from being hurt by taking these signs seriously and by offering resources and treatment before hand. it's not gonna be perfect, people are always going to get hurt. i just think maybe there's a better way, y'know?

[houseofbrat]

"When that moment comes, everyone will have wished King Charles III would have lived to at least 90 so that they wouldn't have had to deal with the Spencer ego problems of his eldest son"

Do you think that when people change their mind about William they will actually blame it on the Spencer side? Most people now blame any fault William might have on Charles (when they're willing to admit he has faults) and I'm not sure what would have people turn on Diana after all this time to blame her over Charles?

[related post]

(ask from 11 June 2023)

I tend to think at that point in the future, say fifteen years from now, it'll be difficult (or more difficult) to pin William's problems on Charles because Charles doesn't behave the way William is going to behave a) as king and b) as king in public.

William basically avoids regular royal duties at this point. He is very firmly a celebrity activist first and foremost, even though many of his diehard fans cannot admit that. Every now and then, William does a more regular, "bread & butter" royal engagement, but those are pretty few and far between these days, particularly if you start looking at the court circular.

I expect William over the rest of this decade to continue on that path, and I expect that his poll numbers will gradually drop over time. Not to Andrew's poll levels, but I suspect he's already seen & achieved the highest poll levels of his life as of today.

William's initiatives with his foundation may be thoughtful and well-meaning; however, that's not the problem. The problem is that he doesn't do regular royal engagements that are associated with the general UK public, i.e. those who are not associated with any of his direct causes. Over time and over the next few years, the perception amongst the UK public will be that you cannot matter to the heir to the throne or the "future" of the monarchy unless you are homeless, suffering from mental health, a footballer, or a special environmental campaigner.

When William is king, he cannot focus on these things like he is right now. His day-to-day life focuses on the issues he cares about. Visiting a nursing home, factory, or university that is not associated with one of his causes is something he doesn't really do. Which means he's not practiced at all in talking to Brits outside of his chosen interests.

Sharp contrast with Charles, Anne, Edward, and Sophie, who visit all kinds of places. Charles & Anne particularly are known for visiting a wide range of places and finding something interesting about them to engage with the people there. That's why I like Charles' Kellogg's factory visit from earlier this year so much. Yeah, it's not the most exciting place to visit, but there are people who work there on a daily basis for their jobs and Charles did his best to make them feel good about their anniversary. Will we ever see a visit like that from William to a place like that? Doubtful. Very doubtful at this point.

I might see it exclusively as a "Spencer ego" thing because William does have the Spencer ego thing going on, just as Harry does. By the time William is king, I suspect most of the diehard Diana stans will be gone. Those are people who like to pretend that Diana was a virgin upon marriage and didn't marry Charles for his title & status. Both are untrue.

But Charles will have a solid legacy when he passes where people can compare how Charles engaged with the British public compared to how William engages with the British public. Charles has a solid charitable legacy with The Prince's Trust in addition to all his regular royal work & duties. William really only has the work of his foundation, which is beginning to sound these days as if he's getting into partisan political territory. Not a good thing for a British royal.

I still think there are three Spencer "storms" that blow through the British royal family: Diana & the "War of the Waleses," Harry & his "Megxit" mess with his (first) wife, and the mess that William creates on his own as king. We're not quite finished with the second one, yet; although, that divorce announcement is probably coming this summer. But I think that in ten or fifteen years time, after Charles has passed, the media will be more open to admitting what a problematic figure Diana always was.

Part of that is because most of Diana's mouthpieces in the press will be gone or retired, and part of that will be the new generation--say, for example--George's generation, who won't have much interest in Diana to begin with. People who don't have a memory of Diana appear to me to be more likely to admit that Diana was always a problematic person. Diana was the perpetrator of her own misery and caused most of her own problems.

A lot of the Diana stans were freaking out over Charles becoming king and then being crowned as king. Obviously, the world has not ended since those two events happened. Charles is only going to become more popular as king as time goes on. He may not ever reach the approval rating of his mother, but then, most people forget that QEII never surpassed her own mother (the Queen Mum) in popularity when the Queen Mum was alive.

[tuiyla]

i'm always torn on how many of quinn's issues are her mental health vs her religious guilt. or maybe they go hand in hand? I mean, arguably, her entire S1 arc has its foundations in her religion...from the value attached to her chastity, her not being on birth control, her fear of telling her parents, abortion not even being an option...a whole lot of things play out differently for Quinn if she isn't basically convinced she's gonna be "burned like a witch" no matter what she does. I mean, she's made literally homeless essentially because she displeased God, in the eyes of her father. Then I think it's interesting how a couple of her frankly most unsympathetic moments (Grilled Cheesus and On My Way) are directly tied to her extremely severe take on God and forgiveness.

(I also have thoughts about how we NEVER see her cross necklace again from the moment she's decided to have sex with Santana, js)

Ooh this is the good stuff, love me some Quinn thoughts.

I would say they go hand in hand but I find what you're saying fascinating. Maybe mental health is more pertinent post-Beth because I do believe she has a case of the post-partum. But the way in which religion is so integral to Quinn's and her struggles and especially in season 1 is morbidly fascinating. The irony of her being president of the Celibacy Club and all, and Quinn's family not only being religious but being so Extra WASP-y.

There's this implicit exaggerated shame on Quinn for the pregnancy because she's religious. Or, at least, her family is, and I gather she grows to have some complicated feelings. (FASCINATING that she's never seen with a cross again after The Incident, gotta love the costume department. Granted, she doesn't appear much after that but still. Talk to me about that some more.) Quinn would still be pregnant even without religion but the actual problem of her not being accepted and kicked out of home and I'd argue even that she becomes an outcast at school is the result of religion. And I think she continues practicing her faith out of denial, but that's just imo. Because she can't bear to examine and potentially lose that, too, even though if she thought about it so many of her issues are because of the way her family viewed religion. And all that repression couldn't have helped the depression, either. So yeah, hand in hand.

I do have to point out with the likes of Grilled Cheesus and On My Way, some of my least fav Quinn moments, that she was essentially used as mouthpiece for views the writers wanted to represent and out of the two main Christian chs, she was the more opinionated and judgy. So I just like to keep that in mind while trying to take a Watsonian look. But I think the in-universe reasoning of, like you say, her severe views on "matters of the Bible" is valid. And I would explain that by what I've mentioned, that she refuses to scrutinize this harsh binary black and white of religion and her own relationship with it for a long while. A) because it's solace and one of the only kinds she has and b) because critically examining everything she believes about religion would lead her down the road of really considering just how fucked up her family was and is. Particularly re: pregnancy but beyond that, too. Because there's a reason she knew she'd be burned at the stake and why she had that Christian girl image in the first place, and it ain't inherent. So while I don't fully embrace these two eps and moments as part of my Quinn canon, I do think it makes sense in the context of her rationalizing things. The Bible must be right and correct because if it isn't and if maybe we shouldn't be so harsh, then what had happened to her was just another layer of fucked up. And it was. But how can a teenager even begin to process that? (Cue repression and depression.)

Religion is a fascinating layer of Quinn's ch that, like all aspects, wasn't explored properly but that's why we love to talk about it. Talk religious guilt Quinn to me, Anon 😌 AND that's not to even mention that Glee basically never ever touches on Quinn's feelings on and attitude towards any sort of queer sexuality. Not explicitly. Which becomes suspicious when you're a queer Quinn truther like this blog is. That's just a whole other rabbit hole of rationalizing and guilt and trying to negotiate her upbringing with what she actually feels and thinks and knows. Even if we don't consider her to be queer (lies), her two best friends are in love and married, and she doesn't say a word against homosexuality even in the cringe epic fail God Squad scene in Heart. She's all for it, very unlike her attitudes in Grilled Cheesus and On My Way.

[ina-nis]

If AvPD were to be considered a disability, what kind of accomodations and considerations (both reasonable and unreasonable) would you like to see societally and interpersonally?

I don't know about others but for me, AvPD is a disability. It's a chronic, invisible disorder that impairs my ability to exist around others and interact with people, causing extreme distress as a result.

The short answer is: going beyond "awareness" and mental wellness campaigns, giving people resources (money, housing, etc), giving people spaces to be and encouraging them to socialize, treatment with focus on social wellness and not only for one to be fit for working, a complete change in the employment issue (utopian and unlikely but I don't really see another way out), safe and accessible mental health spaces in school/college/university/etc all year long, fighting systemic and socio-cultural ableism (people with personality disorders are not evil, many consider themselves ill and need help, not isolation or ostracism).

The long answer hopefully won't be too long, bear with me:

Looking at my own situation, I think it would be great if I didn't have to fight and stress myself out to get (and stay) on government benefits/welfare because I would like to not starve or be homeless - I know, depending on where you are, there's no such thing so I count myself as "lucky".

Most if not all school and/or employment programs are aimed towards neurotypical people (and it's even harder to get specific services if you're queer, immigrant, Black, etc). Employment is a special kind of torment for an avoidant to go through, the job seeking process, the anxiety of waiting for call backs, emails and interviews is unmatched and, at least to me, it's a trigger for suicidal ideation.

I don't really have or see a solution out of this specific issue. Employment is difficult for everyone, it is a competition and there will be a winner and a loser. You can guess who the "loser" will be between someone without X someone with AvPD.

I really wish the focus of treatment wouldn't be so much on "being fit to function in society" because that almost always mean getting a job - I have lost count of how many avoidants I've seen working dead end jobs and being trapped, extremely unhappy, on the top of dealing with a Personality Disorder, because they don't have any other option.

About schools... well, also talking from experience, they served more to try to fit people into boxes to be tame and good workers, and less to learn how to be humans and do things that don't involve... working 9-5, 40+ hours a week.

Depending on which school you're attending to, mental health services will be nonexistent or of really poor quality (that's almost a given considering how bullying is widespread). More than bringing awareness for mental health, depression, anxiety, burnout... there should be programs in place throughout the school year in which students would be able to access, and very importantly, giving them some sort of anonymity (if they so desire) and a safe space for them to come forward and speak without getting their family involved (again, if they so desire).

I guess the same applies for post secondary education too. It would be extremely valuable if students had access to resources and spaces that deal with mental health, with professionals at a low cost or for free.

Socially, I believe for as long as we're living in a world where Personality Disorders are demonized, where things such as "narcissistic abuse" is not only very common (even between mental health professionals) but also a acceptable concept, we won't have much progress regarding the treatment of AvPD and PDs in general.

So many characteristics of people with AvPD are considered social red flags, so much of that "self-fulfilling prophecy" is how about social isolation fosters more social exclusion, and social exclusion fosters more isolation - where one is left to fend for themselves and fix the problem that is social in nature, on their own. It doesn't make any sense.

Mental health treatments are not cheap nor accessible, so there's also that. Definitely something that would need change ASAP. They also focus too much on individual faults, behaviours and cognition, when, yes these can contribute to the problem, they're not the whole picture.

There's need for more specific research, and more professionals to be actually interested in investing time and money into this disorder, to see what lies beyond Social Anxiety, and so on.

There's need for resources, both financial and social, so that people can pick up and try to re-start or re-build (or start and build) their lives at any point. And spaces in which people can co-exist and be encouraged to socialize.

I've heard it so, so many times, and it's so exhausting... yes, getting new hobbies is a good way to cope, even more if they're social hobbies. But I don't think I have enough motivation to pick a social hobby when my solitary ones serve me just as well. I believe that's probably the case for a lot of other avoidants, too. So how can one make social hobbies, and social spaces more welcoming for people with AvPD? That's a very good question.

I cannot stress this enough: AvPD is a disorder of social issues, not only individual. Treating a person without looking what goes beyond the person is bound to be a failure. When you go past anxiety, when you go past the social skills issues, when you go past the self-imposed isolation, supposedly, lies success. But if anything, I'm the living proof that there's need to be more than... me, for things to work and to be maintained.

[scentedchildnacho]

And that's the end of my free chalk

I read three novellas in shelter and one lecturer....for a total of 662 pages....

She wanted to know if I wanted money for breakfast so I told her I ate breakfast at the shelter and if she thinks about staying warned her it's a crazy shelter people in it are crazy most of the time but they do all in some way transition through their impulsivity

She asked if i ever talked to my family so I told her I went crazy trying to go back to school and thieves stole all I had....but the shelter acronyms wanted me and my prior normal life those were all just wealth people and they didnt truly care about me or do the right thing by not enforcing relationship or anything

My family also claims some prestige and in my time of dire need like really psychotic like maybe was brutally raped alone in my apartment and died somewhat told me I had to just go to a sal army about it they had nothing for me

So I don't ever talk to them ever again.....

People do have to have actually committed a crime to be stalked with the poverty of a minimal security jail like a shelter

I did really really have a lot of resentment toward my family for many years but looked into their realistic health profile and think my mother was afraid of her new husband and life and did it so I didn't die with her

I think my mother is like the trade school advertisements in San Diego community colleges she does like have a nursing graduate degree but I think most of her work career was Latin American conscription poverty I think she largely worked the front desk and had to do common labor

Her family helped us have a house but really we never had much growing up other then domestic abuse plans and help from her friends sometimes

That's why my homeless copeing skills aren't survival yet...I never learned young to avoid systems as poorly funded and out to hurt me ya know the movie theatre takes your purse to go to a film and never asks you if you want to go to MGM to try the effects

I am glad I eventually did a voluntary vow of poverty the American heritage library they wouldn't know why Christian's with simple habits and trust in others would recover from things others intelligent don't

I would have maybe died or become a chronic addict if I wouldn't have changed my life

Nun..a..vut treaty.....if it's women job or career or poverty it's habitual behaviour or constructive philosophy is all the ritual abstention from common materials

And walking outside is a lot more oxygen then waitressing and that physical multicellular functioning wasn't improving if I had to keep interacting as closely as spit plates

Nice Parisian lives nice quaint charming pretty apartments and they can't breathe?

Ed Kemper was the most open and revealing to research if I had to live on the Mississippi still as a drunk I would also have to pose as a head like natchez bartending something about that woman's life staying in clique systems was very frightening

She told me I could maybe work at a different college when I told her I went crazy at cu boulder and that it's department had a prior record of hypnotisms and faculty attrition that I wasn't eating or sleeping and was stressed out about completing stuff all the time then I went really manic

So I told her it's a mistake to believe that veterans are what is valuable revolutions are actually non violent transitions and that a loyalty to liberalism instead of economic man will truly produce completely new stuff to do

I watch cbs so schools are kind of simple people's have worldwide origins and their heroes and heroines have requisite origin language requirements that as a public budget is all kind of small.....ozempic trials or weight loss dictators that's a huge huge lawsuit and in London they made me read a book on a man in advertising or something so British philosophy to the dark Germanic problems and there is maybe something truly enlightening to do

[nathank77]

7/11/24

8:11 p.m Edited/Added to Significantly I'm ranting bc dual relationship is a trigger for me bc maybe just maybe despite everything something similar may be the reason I didn't kill myself.

It actually really bothers me that Erin lost her license. She met with me anyways bc she's a good person.

Why did she lose her license? Bc she was a good person. That's the fucked part. She opened up her home to a fucking client who was homeless. She cared too much. And this guy lived there for free and her one major mistake was she billed insurance twice when he kept her up until 2 a.m talking about his problems.

She's such a good person. She's always cared too much. Yea she had a dual relationship but when you get down to it, she cared so much that she wouldn't let that guy be homeless and then the fuck reported her and she lost her license.

She's a fucking great therapist. Emdr certified. Hypnosis certified. She's accepting of everyone. She'd kind, and she doesn't fucking fly away when you're over complicated.

When I saw her 7 years ago I was fucking easy just had ocd. She got me on disability. She got my loans forgiven. She got my loans forgiven by writing a letter when I wasn't even her client I messaged her 3 years later asking her to write a letter and she did it, and just sent it to me.

Then I came to her in October 2023, delusional and a fucking mess and she didn't leave me. She's still willing to meet sometimes. I'm going to meet with her monday and even if she cancels I can't blame her but I tried to talk more like friends. Connecting instead of 100% overloading her with my shit cause I picked Erin for a reason in October besides for Elise who yea I'm not going into how badly I want to know her personally- Erin was the only therapist I ever met who was fucking genuine. A real fucking human. Besides for Elise.

I'm upset for her. She should have never lost her license. The board took her license away for giving a homeless client a home.

99.99% of the field are cardboard cut outs, 2 dimensional people who only do it for money and couldn't care about you at all.

Erin opened her home up to this guy saving him from being fucking homeless and he fucked her over.

It's fucking upsetting to me bc I've met with over 50 people who are a therapist as a profession and only 2 of those PEOPLE actually cared. Really cared. Deeply.

She cared too much and the guy fucked her over. And now all of her old clients are fucked and have to find someone who isn't a automated bot. It's depressing af. Cause it's hard to find another human sitting in the "power" chair. You meet people at their jobs making a living. Some who have no concept of what living with mental illness is really like.

And this guy she helped and the board robbed the mental health field from a person who actually gives a fuck.

I'm going to try to shift gears with her and be friends. It's going to take me some time to entirety shift gears and be able to talk things out but also not make it all about me. I can't blame her if she eventually falls off the face of the earth during this adjustment period but:

Why did she have to lose her license for caring too much? I've had so many therapists look at me like I'm a lost fucking cause and they would have never helped me. Too many looked at me with the look of, "I don't get paid enough to deal with you."

I can think of two people who would go above and beyond. And I say people for a reason. Real genuine people.

She didn't fucking deserve it. She put good out in the world. Idk what the guy was thinking to report someone who would take you off the street. I get it's a dual relationship but it wasn't sexual. She provided him with shelter. And even if it was sexual it's not really a power dynamic why?

- unless you lie and bill my anthem insurnace multiple times over the weekly limit and it is causing me to receive a bill (guy was on husky) then youre not abusing your "power."

- if you're not billing my insurnace when we have sex it isn't a power relationship..

- if you're not exchanging sex for services it's not a power relationship.

-I'm pretty positive there was no sex but I'm just saying that even if there was there are few circumstances inwhich a therapist abuses her "power."

The only power a therapist has is this:

1) "it's not a good fit."

2) and they can lie and bill you for something that didn't happen but I mean that's something you can prove.

3) they can say you're not mentally competent/send you to a psych ward.

I'm upset for her. I don't think it's fair. She's still meeting with some of her clients bc she's a good person.

Dual relationship really equal this= I cared too much bc I'm a human being.

- I'd never report someone for a dual relationship with me. Christ me and Erin have been fb friends the entire time. I could have deleted her but I chose not to.

Why would I report someone for helping me?

Why would I report someone for caring too much?

- You either connect person to person or you're an automated bot. That's the thing. You either care or you look at people as money.

- a dual relationship really does equal in almost every circumstances= two humans connecting and the one that was in "power" caring too much.

-a dual relationship if sex for services wasn't involved is 1000% I cared too much. God forbid someone actually give a fuck. God forbid a therapist cared about you and sometimes you need that extra care.

Elise saved my life. Was it a dual relationship? Not really. However going above and beyond can save someone's life. Even if she never talked to me again I'd never report her. Even if she reached out to me and said I'm uncomfortable knowing you bc of your feelings. I'd never hurt her. Why? Cause she actually cared deeply about me and the genuine love cause it was love, not romantic but love like you love another human being is what has saved me. I'm not dead bc of Elise.

The phrase dual relationship to me grinds my gears bc people connect. It's person to person and sometimes the connection isn't forever much like an ex or an old best friend but what you shared was important and may have been critical enough to save your life.

I'm really genuinely upset about it. Dual relationship is really another phrase for two human being actually caring about eachother. And in a safe space like a therapeutic relationship, when the "client" sees the "therapist" cares more about them than they do about getting a paycheck. It's one of the most meaningful things in the world.

She cared when she wasn't getting paid. She cared too much. She went above and beyond. She actually saved me everytime she said I don't need money to talk to you. I don't need money to be there for you. And when you get down to it, the "therapist" is losing money and risking her career bc she cares so deeply about this PERSON she connected with and she's being SELFLESS.

Fucking selfless listening to your problems and being there for you when she should be getting paid for it.

-I'll say it again dual relationships really= I cared too much bc I'm a human being.

[iwantjobs]

11/17/2024: My new certified homeless life which I purposely chose for my own happiness even though God (the Sun for now or Jesus' father not Jesus per the Bible) gave me an little cute apartment with a tiny yard for so cheap $1,100 in the Silicon Valley in the area where I currently live. I got information on this cheap apartment by helping out the vietnamese elderly man who didn't seem to appreciate that I was going to give him $500 everything to reduce his rent to only $600 a month to live in this apartment and out of the car life even though he has retirement. Sheesh, at least a tiny thank would suffice. Anything, I am not going to be dumb and let homeless push me around. If he calls back and want the apartment , and if I become a millionaire with a lottery, I am going to punish his insincerity by reducing down to $250. I was even going to grand him a studio condo that he can own if I win my lottery, but I changed my mind to only grand him $250/month to help pay for his rent. That s good enough even housing authority accepts subsiding his rent. It's hard to get humans to say thank you nowadays, even homeless humans. All I expect is a thank you for my generous offer and I will reward humans with such happiness, but their egos won't allow them to say it even though they are getting cash for free for life. Oh well, now I understand the psychology of humans and I will guard my generosity to death. He didn't even utter a tiny soLuckily,I can parked in front of a garage with closed gate so it's not as dangerous as being homeless in the street. I nearly became a real homeless in the street tonight but I lower my ego protect my happiness. I will be homeless in the car for 5 days a week and 2 days inside. A new business deal I made as a volunteering caregiver with mental illness which can be hard to live with then I am angry. So conformy sleeping in a van this time comparing last time in a Nissan Leaf. It's exactly like camping, but I hate going to the bathroom at night. Trang at 51.16 years old. I think I can be cute now too to save my old wrinkles from getting too old. Since my life is very shady right now as a certified homeless living in a van, I am to pays making contacts with thr homeless right now since I have no money to offer them. I'll go rest my head and relax for a bit and focus on bitch slapping myself when I talk to train myself to be mute to protest. After all yapping and screaming when protest gets annoying and weak. Protest in silence is the greatest. I'll focus on my health by stretching my neck and head out of his pain to prepare for the return of the Palestinian lawsuit in June. I'll go back to my Palestian work to prevent too many Gazan children from dying with Israeli's decision to assist the last place they don't bombed out: Rafah where 300,000 children are living there. Because of the availability of this cheap and safe apartment of $1,100 that is still available and came out during my mental episode as a mental and because of my effort to help the homeless Vietnamese elderly man,, I am more certain that there is a God (Jesus' father not Jesus per the Bible). I am dying for a good paying job to buy me small and safe condo with affordable payments. Dying. What's the chances of the mayor of Saint Joseph or San Jose hiring me with $500,000 per month, a far signing bonus as down payment for a condo in the Vietnamese ghetto, pension, and insurance as a part-time job working at home? Easy if I can solve his homeless problem which can kick Newsom out and make him governor of CA and even the president of America. Anyone I train will become great and happy leader for I am really that kind of teacher as the female Buddha. Too bad no one has chosen me and even kicked me out. Oh well, not everyone wants to be great happy leaders. This mayor might not be very nice to my Vietnamese people, but he is a no to Israeli genocide for Saint Joseph or San Jose supported a ceasefire when sna Francisco didn't. For that I'll forgive him