#i have not gotten a single field trip this year

[kisscara]

So uhm I'm back for only like a day or two. I just got back from that school trip stuff and we went to a really cool museum. Still practicing for that lead role and have a big project that includes dancing in which I absolutely suck at I'm sending a scara that I wrote while on the bus home

-dreaming ミ✭

THAT SOUNDS SO COOL WTF

[bright-molina]

the equation of you - prologue

☆ Tyler Owens x reader ☆ Twisters SMAU!! ☆ synopsis: You've known Kate Carter for years and never once has she introduced you to a single friend, always claiming you were the only one she needed. That all changes when one day she declares she wants you to meet the infamous Tornado Wrangler himself, perfectly unaware you know very well who he is already. ☆ Warnings: none for now ☆ A/N: guess who's once again back with yet another social media au... this time in hybrid format because i love them all too much to not dive into this world. please enjoy because i'm having a BLAST with this so far and i have truly SO much planned

The dominoes cascaded in a line...

“And with that I think that’s all we got this time. Tune in next time to find out the answer to that burnin’ question I know you all have - is it or is it not possible to shoot fireworks up into a movin’ tornado? Remember, if you feel it -”

The video playing on the screen of your phone cuts to black after one last wink to the camera and it makes your eyes roll. It is, however, paired with a smile. The little buzz you feel deep inside cuts through the already fading headache as you take another bite of your lunch and a deep sigh leaves you. 

But the conversations going on all around you echoes against the walls of the room you’re sitting in and a pang of loneliness shoots through you instead.

It’d been easier to get things done with Kate sitting in the cubicle next to yours. The feeling is followed by a shot of baseless worry when you send her another message and it remains unread. 

So maybe you had gotten a little more anxious after she came back from her trip home. She’d all but burst into your office with a wild and scared and excited look in her eyes when she told you she was heading back out into the field. You’d helped her pack and made her promise to stay safe and tried to push away the uneasiness you felt knowing she’d be out there in the middle of a storm.

One check in with her quickly turned into several. Every twelve hours on the dot you were sending her a picture of you sitting at home or at work and Kate indulged you by responding with pictures of her wherever she happened to be. Beside a shiny white Storm Par truck. The inside of a dingy motel room. A field surrounded by dark gray skies. Back home in her childhood room. 

And then, eventually, a hospital bed. You’d called her seconds after receiving that one with anxious tears in your eyes and she answered with no hesitation. The stories she told you over the phone of her last few days back in Oklahoma had your blood pressure skyrocketing and your heart constricting inside you. 

You knew what these storms were like. You’d grown up in a place similar to the one Kate grew up in. You’d watched them on screens and seen the devastation and learned about them all you could. But this was different. This one was huge. It was bad. And on top of that, your best friend had thrown herself into the middle of it and made a discovery that could change everything. Because of course she would. 

Kate had come home with bruises and cuts already almost completely healed but it didn’t stop you from clinging to her for a few days. She was kind enough to never mention a word of it. To never point out the fear that she knew still plagued you a little bit. But she always reassured you she was okay and that was enough. 

She was better than okay, you figured, considering she’d immediately started telling you about the nicer parts of her trip. Like seeing her mom again and catching up with old friends and meeting new ones. 

Including these, apparently. Ones you didn’t yet know the names of. Ones who were coming into town. Ones that, by the look of it, she wanted you to meet. And go out with. With her. And it made all the anxiety fade away because she really was okay. She was healing a little more. It made you smile. 

The timer you’d set went off and you knew that the comfort of your apartment was within reach now. As soon as you wrangled your tour groups, treated them to some delightfully dramatized demonstrations, and sat them in their seats for the space show you were home free. 

Except Kate had several hours left until she got off work. And she had something to explain to you. And you were almost positive the curiosity would kill you before then.

“Okay, so,” Kate settles a little deeper into the couch and turns to face you while the credits of the movie you’d been watching while finally eating dinner played on the screen. “I think you’ll really like them.” 

“Oh I absolutely trust your judgment,” You turn to face her too and you can see her excitement ready to bubble over. “Tell me about them.” 

It doesn’t take much prompting other than that and a smile flashes on Kate’s face. “Well, I met them back home. They’re this big group of storm chasers, too, and the five of them are actually the ones who helped me adapt the formula and research I'd been working on and were gonna help test it in the field but you know how that ended.”

“Wait hang on -”

“They’re okay,” Kate knows what question you’re about to ask before you even have a chance to ask it. You’d always been an empathetic person from the moment she’d met you. You’d noticed the little things about her and listened when she finally opened up to you and never for a moment let her feel alone. If there was one constant in her life here it was you. “A little banged up but alright for the most part.”

Your brows furrow and you give her a look that feels much too serious for you when you ask, “What does ‘for the most part’ mean?” 

“Well there might’ve been a minor injury or two but it’s okay!”

“Kate, I swear -”

“Logically speaking, if the injuries were more than minor they wouldn’t be coming to New York City of all places.”

“I guess you have a point.” You sigh, defeated, knowing very well she has a good point and Kate takes it as a win. “So are they here for you or for some fun?” 

“Very funny,” Kate gives you a deadpanned look but another grin breaks across her face soon after. You watch as she reaches for her phone and the blanket around her shoulders slips down a little bit. She starts scrolling as she talks to you. “They’re doing an interview on some talk show, I can’t remember the name of it. That’s what they're here for technically but I convinced them to stay a couple days longer. Figured it’d give me a chance to introduce them to you that way.”

“Wait an interview?” You stare at her again and try to recall every single little detail she’s told you about her trip all at once. A frown appears on your face when you can’t immediately figure it out. “Who exactly are you friends with?”

Kate flips her phone towards you and on the screen is a picture of five people. “They call themselves Tornado Wranglers.”

You don’t say a single word. The only thing you do is stare and you must look shocked or confused or completely dumbfounded because Kate continues quickly. 

“It's a weird name, I know. I still can’t figure out what it means exactly but I promise you’ll think they’re really cool too!” 

Kate is saying words, you know that. You know she’s speaking but you don’t hear her, not while your mind is spinning like one of those storms she loves chasing so much. She tells you their names, that much you process. Dani. Dexter. Boone. Lily. Tyler. 

“They, uh,” You force the words out of your mouth after she’s given you a brief explanation of what they each do. “They definitely sound like Tornado Wranglers”

“They’re supposed to get in tomorrow.” Kate drops her phone and her eyes narrow as she takes in the look on your face. Your eagerness has faded away and has been replaced with something else. Something she can’t quite pinpoint. “It’s okay if you don’t want to meet them! I know you’ve been busy with work lately and it is kinda last minute. We don’t have to -”

“Kate,” You launch yourself forward far enough to take her hand that wasn’t holding her phone. The look is shaken off your face quickly and just like that the excitement is back. She relaxes a little bit at the sight of it. “I’d be happy to meet your friends.”

Kate hears the unspoken words between you. The way you’re reminding her of how much love and care you have for her. Of the way you’re right there, no matter what. It puts her at ease the way it has so many times before. 

“Tell me when and I’m there.”

Kate was definitely gonna kill you for this one.

[bitchlessdino]

Good Dad, Better Daddy (m)

Pairing: Fem!reader x dilf!Mingyu

Genre: smut, angstish

word count: 8.4k

tags: plot rich, age gap, morally gray reader, medical student!reader, mentor!reader, best friend's dad!mingyu, kissing joshua and brief mentions of jeonghan, forced proximity, domestic au, mention of alcohol, spitting, oral (rec.), praise kink, pet names (good girl) pussy spitting, spanking, daddy kink, exhibitionism, face cumming, pearl necklaces, unprotected sex

Summary: you were hesitant when your friend said you should just stay at her house for the summer, especially knowing you can barely contain yourself with her hot dad around as well as the thought of not getting caught.

author note: so this one is real, as promised. its filthy. messy. and dramatic

@shiningstar-byulxx @misssugarlips @tommolex @hoeforhao @honglynights @homerunhansol @dkakapizzaboy @junhui-recs @svtup @buffhoshi @meowmeowminnie @caratochan @lovebot4han @onlymingyus

You had a pretty normal taste in men. It wasn’t extraordinary, like he had to be super talented at one thing or had to come from loads of old money. What you envisioned for yourself was a nice man with a humble heart, great taste in food–if he could help it–be fit and find you just as attractive as you find him.

Kim Mingyu, your college friend’s biological father, could not be this man. He could never be this man. Not for the fact that he is unattractive–good heavenly gods and goddesses, how does a man like this exist–because he is just that, incredibly gorgeous and big and tall and hot.

The point is, you’re still looking, and this summer was the perfect time to do that. The problem was that Minhee–the trustworthy underclassmen/good friend/daughter of the infamously hot dad that somehow surfaced all over campus–invited, well insisted, that you stay with her for the remainder of summer break.

You had gotten close with her over the school year as a mentor, working her though pre-med to prepare her for actual medical school, yours specifically since it was best in the whole ding dang country. You just happen to mention your parents lived out of the way and you couldn’t visit them this year, so summer break had been a fleeting thought in your mind. Minhee, irrevocably delightful and considerate, wanted to show thanks for all the time you put into helping her and mention the spare room at her home half an hour away from campus.

The same home with the incredibly gorgeous father of hers that you had the pleasure of meeting once at a college picnic. It was a hot day, and he wore a sleeveless tank top that was transparent from the sweat of several rounds of volleyball, clinging on to him like a thin additional layer of skin. Attention was on him like a single acorn in a field of squirrels, gnawing at the sight of such a specimen with abs and pecs so taut and round you could mistake them for the brioche buns for the grilled burgers you were all having. And now, you are going to have the pleasure of living in close quarters with him. Only God knows how this would go.

“Good seeing you again, Y/n. Need help getting that upstairs?”

Mr. Kim, who urges you to call him Mingyu instead, is pointing out the duffle bag the size of a human being loaded on your back that you physically struggled to carry in. You remember your mom once pointing out how it looked ridiculous strapped to you like that. That was the point mother. It eliminated any potential advances.

You grin back at him with wide, platonically amicable smile, “Nope, all good,” then made your first steps over to the stairs and you can practically feel his presence lingering behind you as you walked up, probably waiting for you to fall so he could catch you in his stupidly large arms.

“Are you sure? I’m all for being a feminist, independence and what not, but I don’t know if I can let a bag that big potentially get you to trip fall down these stairs. Just had them remodeled.” God, his smile was dazzling, and those pretty canines could mark you like a badge you’d wear proudly.

“I’m good, Mr. Kim. Your glossy wood boards are safe under my feet, I promise.”

He scoffs, following you back up the stairs. “What did I tell you about calling me Mingyu, hmm? Plus you’re a guest. Since I’m the one that’s paid off this house, that means something.”

Please. He’s so witty, funny, and charming in addition to being so, so hot. This was going to be a long summer. 

You toss the bag on the bed in the room Mingyu had claimed would be your ‘home away from home,’ and you smile at him in gratitude for keeping the peace.

“While I appreciate it, it’s all good. Thank you, though.” You were painfully aware of your hair sticking out in the most unflattering angles, your cheeks warm and face sweaty from climbing up a flight of stairs, and your loud obnoxious pants that could compete with your old neighbor’s golden retriever that had breathing problems. Nope, not even giving him an opportunity to think about any potential of being in bed with him. The question was, were you trying to convince him or yourself?

“Well then, Minhee is with her mom for another hour, so you won’t see her until then. If you’re hungry I could always whip you something up in the meantime. Save you some lunch money.”

Before you could protest, the eruption of thunder in your stomach interrupts you, earning Mingyu your sheepish grin and you one of Mingyu’s know-it-all smiles. “I guess a sandwich or something couldn’t hurt.”

He beckons you with a head tilt. “Come on down, you can help me. We can make something for Minhee before she gets here, too.”

Let’s make things clear. When Kim “DILF” Mingyu asks you to follow him to hell, you follow him to hell. When he offers to make you food, you happily devour it. And when he asks you for help in the kitchen, you tell him “yes, chef,” like you’re his doting little follower. You convince yourself it’s because you grew up with manners in your household. Helping elders was the least you could do. Mingyu, being much older, just naturally fell into that category.

“So, Minhee has only good things to say about you. I can’t thank you enough for helping her.”

He shoves the fabric of his button up to his elbows and proceeds to grab things from top sleeves you wouldn’t otherwise reach, handing you a grater and block of cheese to conjure up some of his famous Kimchi pasta. You’re carefully holding the grater steady by the handle, taking the block from the tip and spreading. “Well, Minhee’s awesome, I can’t thank her enough for being amazing. Getting into medical school was insane for me and she’s just breezing through. You have a very intelligent daughter, Mr. Kim.”

“Mingyu.” He repeats, as if telling you once wasn’t enough.

You shake your head while scrunching your nose. “Doesn’t roll off the tongue for me, sorry.”

Pouting, he glances at you in a light-hearted glare. “Fine. Treat me like a stranger. Eat my food like I’m a personal chef. I'm just Minhee’s old man after all.”

You roll your eyes with a smile on your lips. “Fine. Mingyu. Happy?”

“Much.”

His tone is happy, playfully, yet effortlessly alluring. Especially as he strides your way, standing mere inches away from you to retrieve a bountiful cheese nestling inside the grater, which he scoops up into a bowl to put in his decadent red sauce simmering over the stove. He meets your eyes in a soft gaze, the one that makes you hear music in your head, politely asking, “more please,” and tossing bowel’s contents to the pan.

He wants more cheese, you’d grate more cheese. What you did not intend was a piece of your palm to get caught in the metal. You wince, causing you to drop the cheese grater and hold up your hand to examine the damage.

“What’s wrong?” He immediately comes back to your side and takes your hand in his large grasp, seeing the cut for the first time, fresh with red. “Be more careful, please.”

His eyes crinkle in concern, thumbing over the sensitive layer skin, and releasing a sigh from his lips. Your eyes flutter, startled at his quick return, feeling the tension of his forearms as it brushed against yours. He could’ve not looked more attractive than this very moment and now you were wondering how many accidents you can get yourself into before he starts suspecting they’re intentional.

“I’m okay. Just a bit of a scratch.”

The way his eyes flit back at you in disbelief, almost as if there’s anger in them, and that simple look makes something in your chest do somersaults. “Are you kidding me? You’re bleeding. I’m getting first aid.”

“Mingyu–”

“Sit down, Y/n.”

Why, yes, sir.

You take the seat on the bar stool, watching as Mingyu momentarily turns off the stove and grabs a little red box. He pulls it apart, setting most of the contents on the counter. He treats the cut delicately, quietly, gracefully. Making sure it’s properly clean from infection, he places a bandaid, trapping in the sensitivity.

“Thank you.” You squeak out.

He gives you a soft grin. “Not a problem. Didn’t expect to be babying two girls this weekend.”

Babying. That word lingered in your mind longer than it should have. It invades your brain, crawling into the inner workings of thoughts pushed aside and echoed in your head. It bothered you and you have the faintest idea why.

You snicker humorously. “I’m definitely not a baby.”

He shrugs, smoothing out the adhesive. “Of course not. Not many babies are accomplished enough to graduate cum laude to get into medical school with 4.0 GPA, while building a philanthropy for families that suffered from loss due to the worldwide pandemic.”

You shyly shield away hearing that. You hadn’t expressed that part of your life often with other people. Most of the time, you are found out, having people commend you when the topic is brought up. But you didn’t do it for attention, including Mingyu’s. “Minhee told you that?” You watch for his response, seeing his lips curl up in a foreign method.

“No, she didn’t.”

You shake your head, bemused. “How did you hear that then?”

“I did my own research on you. Making sure you weren’t some kid making Minhee out for a quick buck.”

“And?” You had a feeling there was more to it.

His posture has shifted, expression somewhat twisted, and eyes fixated on you. Like he is undressing you in his head as we speak.

“I wasn’t disappointed.”

A gust of wind expels from your lungs and despite the vagueness in both your words, it’s as if you were speaking your own language. He lets go of your hand, but visibly craves being closer. Cursing his better judgment, he doesn’t take the risk, and instead takes a step back instead. Your arm lunges forward, off your seat and towards Mingyu, and your hand wraps around his forearm. You trail over his expression, cautious and hesitation, and you let a digit impulsively run down his arms, now pebbling in goosebumps under your touch.

“Why do you look scared of me?” you ask, now grinning.

He looks as if he wants to brush off the comment, but his defense fails to let him. “Why would I be scared of you?”

“You tell me, Mr. Kim,” You raise a brow. “Or I’m sorry, Mingyu. Since that is what you like me calling you. Mingyu.”

He scoffs, feeling backed into a corner. The image was funny since he had the very build to do that same, but here he was. Trapped. Being interrogated. None other than a college student only a few years older than his daughter. “Can you blame a guy for wanting to make things less awkward?”

“What is there to be awkward about–I’m not awkward,” you lie through your teeth, pressing a palm to your chest, “Is there something you feel awkward about? Mingyu.”

His name burns on your tongue differently, stark in contrast to its original purpose of dropping formalities. Maybe it could drop pants instead.

“You’re playing a very dangerous game, Y/n.”

Looks like you’ve hit a nerve.

“I’m simply trying to get to know you better, considering that’s what it sounded like you wanted. Are you trying to get to know me, Mingyu? What things do you want to know?”

His bottom lip drops from the corner of his mouth, blinking back at your taunts in intrigue, and shifts the weight on his legs. He takes the moment to scan you from head to toe, deliberating your question, leaning closer against you until you find your back digging into the marble of the counter. His hands plant on either side of you. His warm breath fans your cheeks, spicy cologne  surrounding you at all angles, and he ponders at you from the dark wisps of hairs that fell at his eyes.

“Are you ready for that answer? Truly?”

You swallow a lump in your throat, already caught in those eyes that now trailed over your body shamelessly. He looks at you as if he held back this whole time and has finally let loose of the reins. His hands smoothed over the marble, meeting each other, locking fingers, and trapping you in his careful embrace.

Your hand falls to his first chest, feeling the pure stone beneath the thin layer of fabric on top of him. You let out a shallow breath, eyes roaming over the man you so desperately wished wasn’t constantly in your mind. God, did he feel utterly exquisite. 

Your hands trail up the nape of his neck, lifting yourself from your toes, and let your lips ghost over his. Your hot, anxious breath fans his face, and the pulse you feel under your palm heightens. “I think I have a right to know a lot of what you’re not telling me.”

‘Fuck me. Fuck me right now against this counter. I promise I’ll be good. Please lord, give it to me.’

Your wishes aren’t granted when you hear a car pull up and Mingyu immediately backs off, shaking his head like falling out of a trace.

‘No! No! Minhee. What the fuck? What the fuck? I was this close to fucking your dad and I was willing to do so much.’

You internally sob, hearing the beep of the vehicle go off, and a few seconds after a jangle of keys, the door swings open. “The prophetic child had arrived!”

You settle into the marble in defeat. Trying to muster up anything other than disappointment on your face as you watch Mingyu retreat from you and wrap his arms around his daughter. “Took you long enough, kid. Was thinking you forgot about me.”

“How could I even think about leaving the two of you alone in one place? You are embarrassing enough.”

His arm slings over her shoulders, planting an old fashioned noogie on the crown of her head. “Take that back. Say I’m the coolest.”

“Dad, what the heck? You’re so annoying!”

Minhee talks a lot of smack, but she smiles the brightest around her dad. Their smiles couldn’t be any more different, considering she got that from her mom, but you could see a lot of Mingyu in Minhee. Your stomach is now bubbling up in guilt, momentarily grim, before pushing yourself to meet her halfway. “Hi, Minhee.”

“Y/n!” She shoves Mingyu out of the way and grips you with so much force and warmth. “You really came! Gosh, this summer is gonna be so great.”

Minhee takes you aside, switches eyes back and forth from me and her father, chipper like an elf the day after Christmas. “My two favorite people in one summer. Don’t tell mom.”

“Why not,” he joins your embrace, fingers brushing against your bicep making your micro hairs stand stiff on your arm. “It could really bother her with this. I have every mind to.”

“Don’t you dare! Anyway, what's for lunch?”

Mingyu doesn’t pay the slightest attention to you during the meal after what almost transpired in the very place you prepared it. You fork over your food door in contempt, watching their animated conversation long enough to analyze their relationship. Minhee is as easy going as her dad, all smiles and radiance, and while Mingyu was well into his age, it doesn't appear so as he emits this natural youth that seems to combat age better than that of the most expensive, luxurious cream on the market. He aged incredibly. Even the smell of fermented cabbage couldn’t bring disdain to his presence.

“Hope dad’s been nice. He can be a lot.”

You’re pulled away from your thoughts and you smile back at the younger girl, not letting it reach near your eyes. “Oh, he’s been…inviting.”

Mingyu clears his throat at that, hands giving out in a slight tremble as he reaches over to retrieve his beverage.

“Probably overly inviting. He has a habit of that, but that is usually what scares the bad ones away. He’s always given my ex-boyfriends this illusion of comfort and hospitality, but then rips them apart when they say anything remotely critical about me.” She playfully shudders, “he can go psycho.”

“I am right here, darling daughter.”

“Good, because you needed to hear it.”

You chuckle in amusement, feeling honored you get to witness such a wholesome relationship. Their familial interactions eventually come to an end and dishes are gathered to get washed. You volunteer yourself to help, reasoning with the Kims that you were a grateful guest living here for free, and that this was the least you could do.

“Not with your cut.” Mingyu points out.

Minhee’s eyes shoot open at you. “You got a cut?”

“It’s fine,” you reassure, “I’ll wear gloves. Why don’t you get the movie ready that you’ve been wanting to watch?”

“I actually thought of taking us out, if that’s okay. We should spend the first night out, not at home. Silly.”

“Oh?”

You hadn’t thought about leaving the house much, only expecting a few dinners out when the night prompted, but it was a Thursday afternoon. What much was there to do on a hot summer weekday? What was even open?

“There's just this place I wanted to check out since getting back into town and I just know you would love it. Please?” 

You were actually really hoping to finish that moment again with Mingyu, calling in a bathroom break when you’re really having him rail you down the stairs with his hand clamped over your mouth. “Sure. Why not? We deserve it.”

Minhee claps with joy. “Great! I’m gonna get ready.”

The girl makes her excited steps up the stairs, the thumps of her feet distancing from earshot as you come up over the sink. You pull the gloves over your forearm as warm water runs down the rubber. “I guess I should hurry up and get ready too.”

You peer at Mingyu from the corner of your eyes. For the first time, an unreadable expression is on his face, and he’s taken over in silence. He thinks to walk over, hovering his footing, and gradually approaching you in a smooth stride. “You girls have fun.”

That was a strange response considering your moment together. You direct your body to him, “Um, Mingyu, are you acting strange becau–”

“We should let what happened not come between us. Just a fleeting moment. Natural with two adults. You understand.”

With that he walks away from you, only having his back into view as tracks his way back to his room, leaving you abandoned, horny, ashamed.

Fuck it. You will have a good time.

As soon as you and Minhee were both ready, you’d have a great time out, and you’d make sure of it. You leave the house together, punching the thought of Mingyu away and enjoy drinks at the new bar located a short drive from her place. The atmosphere is lively and well and the drinks, although pricey, were delicious nonetheless. 

The occasional image of Mingyu mere centimeters away from you would appear in your head and with that, you immediately swallow down your drink, drowning him until it’s a blur. It helps that Minhee liked talking, and you dind’t mind in the slightest. She was good company, one of the many reasons you like being around Minhee. It seems that you weren’t the only one to agree as you swarmed by company.

They introduced themselves as Jeonghan and Joshua, two gentlemen that planned on scoping out the location to see how it competes with theirs, evidently poaching new clientele. They urge both you and Minhee to visit their place another time, persuading you with a few free drinks and perks they were willing to give. You looked back at Minhee, seeing the same temptation in her eyes you felt in yourself, and you accepted, letting them know you’d be coming. 

The rest of the time is a blur–enjoying the presence of the music, eating, drinking, enjoying your first night out in a long time–and you feel a body against yours. You turn your head to see Joshua, finding the warmth of his strong, thick body lost in yours. You indulge, feeling the sweet release of liquor on your tongue and allowing him to roam your body with no protest.

You let a few moans slip, his hand automatically creeping over your waist. He grins angelically, but him on you feels like a constant devil on your shoulder. “You’ll make it, right? I’ll only come into work that night for you.”

You giggle like he said the funniest thing in the world, turning to face him and putting your hands over his shoulders, staring into his big eyes. “I promise.”

He holds you close that night, like Mingyu should’ve, but it does not breach the point of dancing. You appreciated that. When the night came to a close, you and Minhee got your UBER home. You wave away that kept you both company tonight and come back to Kim's residence a little lighter. Mingyu was nowhere in sight when you got home, so you drag Minhee up the stairs before that happens.

It takes a minute to wash her up, but eventually she gets into bed, and falls into a peaceful slumber. You were ready to have your turn. Peeling off your clothes, washing your face, and showering everything off was going to feel like a reset. You weren’t going to let the disappointment from today dictate the rest of your summer. Kim Mingyu was not why you came here. You were here to have the time of your life with your closest friend.

Walking out in the hallway to retrieve toiletries and extra clothes, there he stood. Shirtless–of course, he was–tan, taut, large. This man was a fucking mountain. He drags himself over to you in his gray sweats. “You’re both home late.”

“Night got away, sorry.” You weren’t sorry.

“As long as you’re both safe,” he grins kindly, “How's your hand?”

You bring it up in the air for him to see. “Perfectly fine. Didn't even feel it.”

Doubtful, he gets to grab it, ignoring your feeble protest. He turns it from front to back, stepping closer to you, shooting electricity throughout your body. The longer he lingers in your proximity, another one of his senses takes over. Nose stifling breaths, he’s leaning in, inhaling the scent on your body. You feel heat running up to your cheeks, flustered by his sudden urgency. “Do you always wear men’s cologne?”

Confusion displays on your face. You pick up the top hem of your blouse for a quick sniff and there it was, the scent he was referring to. Some concoction of sea breeze and sage lightly coated your clothes. Must’ve been Joshua. “Probably caught it from someone from the bar we went to.”

“You met someone?” He asks plainly.

You shrug, an unsure smile on your face. “I don’t know.”

There’s an unreadable look on his face you catch until it turns solemn, dropping your hand. “Get some rest.”

He trots off to his own room, his dark figure shrinking as he gets further away. You take a long sigh the moment he’s gone from sight, wallowing in that sinking sensation of knowing what had happened this afternoon. The position you place yourself in, the position he placed himself, was over.

After showering, you went to bed hoping the next day would be better. You shouldn’t have been sad. You had a decent night. Drank loads, danced all night long, mingled with people you don't feel guilty about. And tomorrow will be a new day.

Morning is spent with a Kim’s style breakfast, which means an abundance of anything they can make with leftover ingredients from the kitchen. Mingyu was bright and early along with Minhee, and she didn’t look like she lost one hour of sleep that night. She greets you as friendly as always and Mingyu follows.

You join the meal in silence, playing off as recovering from the night before–which wasn’t wrong–and eat your portion, feeling it fuel the unruly mood you were in. Damn, he was a good cook.

“You girls have anything fun to do today?”

Minhee answers with utter delight. “I’m taking Y/n to this other bar we were recommended last night.”

You nod in compliance with that.

“Well, if that’s all, why don’t we go grocery shopping? I’ve been setting all kinds of guest stuff at the house but forgot to stock up the fridge. You and Y/n can pick out whatever you need. I’ll pay.”

You look up, stopping him. “You don’t have to do that.”

He shares that kind of look he gives when he’s in front of his daughter, but a ghost of the lusty gaze was still fresh in your mind. “I’m not forcing myself to do anything. Just hoping to be a welcoming host. Think of it as a family outing. You get to be one of us.”

Minhee snorts at that. “Could you be anymore of a dad?”

“So what I’m hearing is you don’t want free snacks and sodas to have at the house?” He reiterates in hopes of tempting her.

“Well, I didn't say that.”

Mingyu laughs, turning back to you. “So?”

“Sure.” You respond with a forced smile.

Minhee made no concern about making a dent in Mingyu’s wallet and if he minded, he didn’t show it. You figured with the big house they have that this would be no different from a kid in a candy store seeing her spring everywhere and excited to show you local products only sold at this specific market. You would giggle at anything and all comments she’s made coming across something out of the ordinary and Mingyu would trail behind with his full cart like the dad he is.

“Oh my god, I think I just saw someone! You and dad, wait here. I’ll be right back.”

Minhee trots off by herself, leaving you and Mingyu alone again in your awkward silence. Having nothing to say, you didn’t, and you assumed he wouldn’t either.

“I don’t want things to be weird,” he starts, “it was a lapse of judgment on my part.”

“Mingyu, please,” you whisper, “she’s ten feet away from us.”

“And I just wanted to make sure you’re okay,” he leads the cart so he’s walking beside you, towering over you like the skyscraper he was, “Coming on to you wasn’t the plan. Minhee respects you, cares about you. And why wouldn’t she? You’re amazing.”

You shirt under his words, dismissing it when you throw a family size bag of ruffle chips in the car. “Been wanting these.”

“I’m just sorry. I’ve clearly bothered you, disrespected you, and I didn’t intend for any of that.”

“Why are you saying this now,” you ask in a hushed tone, causing him to stop the wheels, “what are you even doing?”

He sighs, dropping his head in embarrassment, unsure either, but it seems as if he wanted to clear the tense air. You appreciated it. Most men that have done way more than what he did would’ve flat out ignored you regardless of the situation. Ghosting became a globalized norm. Mingyu’s confrontation, although stress-inducing, was somewhat refreshing. Different from previous men you’ve had relations with, platonic or not.

“Minhee is the most important thing in my life and you are someone very special to her, more than you know.”

You nod in agreement, understanding his sentiment. “She’s special to me. My best friend even.”

Mingyu sighs in relief. “So, we’ll forget what we had happened?”

“Forget what happened?” You grin in the end.

He smiles back, looking up as Minhee reunites with you and you feel as if things are back to normal. Minhee is still your closest friend. Mingyu is just her hot dad. And that’s it. That was that. You were fine thinking that for the rest of the summer.

The rest of the day was all leisure right up until the evening. As the light outside dimmed,  You and Minhee were getting ready to go out again. The attire was slightly more done up than the previous night, boosting your confidence. You added a dark shadow paired with tighter clothes and Minhee couldn’t help but gush at your appearance. Loving this girl was too easy. You trade her the same excitement and bounced together in the anticipation of another exciting night. 

You followed her downstairs, ready to leave, and Mingyu the last thing you see before you make your way to the door. “Have fun! Be safe.”

Leaving with a new life on lease, that seems to change when catch a glimpse at his face shutting the door. The darkness in his eyes, how they scan from up and down your body in a swift lick, burned in your memory. And you once again feel that feeting excitement he graced you once with.

You made good on your promise to the guys from the other night, and they were one of the first few faces you see as you enter. You join them, getting the free drinks they swore to give and experience more of the night life. Compared to the previous bar, this had been much more lively, rowdy, touchy. You made sure to be careful, carrying both your and Minhee’s drinks with hands hovering over their open lips. Minhee gathers her less than sober self to go to the restroom, insisting there's no need for you to come and that’d she’d be fine.

“Are you sure?” you ask in concern, and she repeats herself, pointedly shifting her eyes to the man behind you in mischief as she makes her escape.

Joshua meets your side similarly to last night, grinning that gorgeous grin, looking back at you with those pretty brown eyes, and large hands traveling over your body in a practiced-movement. “I was happy to see you came.”

“Oh?” you smile back, hands over his neck.

The small distance between you both leaves so little to the imagination and feeds some of that intimacy you’ve craved since coming to this part of town. You don’t look at him to know he wants you. From the way he cradles your sides, coming down‌ your shape, to how his hips lightly dip back to yours sensually, generously. You press up to his body in need, believing you want it too, but when you test your limits, you’re faced with reality.

The moment your lips meet, you hope to feel something–anything–but in the back of your mind a voice taunts you. It laughs back at you. Pressing the big red X button like it was broadcasted talent show.

It was a nice kiss. Somewhat decent, with nothing inherently wrong with it. But it didn't leave you wanting more.

‘He could never be him.’

You part from him abruptly and‌ in a few words of apology he understood, stepping back with a small smile. How you wish it could’ve been him. It would’ve been so much easier if it were him.

You go off to find Minhee, searching for her up and down. Going to the restroom couldn’t have taken that long, then there she was, dancing on the small stage right by the DJ. Everyone cheered for her as she did her performance, as did you, but it all came to a close as she tumbled right off, hitting the ground and landing on her side.

“Minhee!”

No limps were broken, no twisted ankle, or broken ribs, but drunk off her rocker, and it's proven true as you hear her slurring her words. You lightly slap sides of her face to gain back her consciousness. Not even seeing her flinch, you knew she was long gone.

“You probably get her back home safe in bed,” Jeonghan says stepping in.

You conceded, apologizing another time this night for things that should’ve been in your control. Mingyu was going to hate you for this, but you needed her home safe.

You wave at the male duo and a few other friends you made from the cab and tend to Minhee as she loses to sleep. You amble on to carry her weight back to the house, shuffling through her keys to reach past the door. Making too much noise and taking too long to find the right key, it open from teh other side, meeting Mingyu who stares back at you with startled eyes.

“What happened to her?”

There’s a calm fury in his voice, and guilt festers in the pit of your stomach. “Help, please. I’m sorry.”

He comes to Minhee’s other side, grumbling to himself as he helps guide her upstairs. She drops on her bed in heavy plop, her snores following. You both tiptoe towards the door and shut it quietly, not wanting to disturb her.

“Now, I repeat, what the hell happened?”

He had every right to be angry. You did this, you could’ve prevented this.

He lets you a deep exhale, quietly shouting his daughter's name in anguish. “Minhee, what the fuck?”

“She drank too much,” you admit, “She left to go to the restroom. I should’ve gone with her.”

“You think? You both could’ve gotten severely hurt, or worse.”

“Mingyu, I'm so sorry.”

He takes a moment of silence. “It’s not entirely your fault. Minhee overexerts herself sometimes. forces her to let loose twice as hard to make up for it. I wonder if I taught her that.”

“No, of course not. I'm her best friend. I should’ve kept an eye on her.”

“You were there to have fun, not babysit. Look, Minhee may be that right now but it’s because I couldn’t support her properly, because of me she has developed these unhealthy habits.” he sighs. “Though, after the divorce, I wonder if I was ever a good father.”

You tug at him in disbelief. “You’re a great dad! Minhee loves you so much. She talks about you all the time. “

His gaze softens, pulling lightly at his t-shirt, “She does?”

“Yes, like how you cook for her on sick days so that she recovers twice as fast. Or when she was little, she made a scrapbook out of the little lunch notes you made her. Or when you confronted her boyfriend at that picnic, getting in his face and yelling at him. Yeah, she was embarrassed, but she was more relieved that it got out there at all. You are the person she loves the most. You’re so amazing and sweet and kind…Mingyu, I don’t want to forget about yesterday.”

His eyes harden at your shift of tone. “Y/n, you promised–”

“Yeah, well, that was before yesterday when I didn’t think I had a chance with someone like you.”

You draw yourself closer to him, closing the gap, feeling him fall weak for a moment, reciprocating. His lips were plush and sweet as you hoped, stark in contrast to his firm torso you felt through his shirt. He pulls away, holding you at a distance.

“Y/n, we can’t—“

“I kissed someone tonight.”

He immediately tenses up, his hand overlapping around your wrist, speaking in a lethally soft voice. “What?”

“We danced, got super close, and we kissed.”

The moment you mention it, Mingyu immediately smells it. The dreaded cologne. He takes it in once again and grits his teeth in anger. Jealously quickly become a evil on his shoulder. “Same bastard?”

“Yes,” you breathe out, “but I wanted him to be you. I can't stop thinking ab—“

His lips fits over yours, his hand pressing into the arch of your back. He kisses you with so much carnal rage you can taste blood on your tongue and he launches you from the ground and around his waist. You dig your fingers into his scalp, kissing him deep, whimpers leaving your lips like a needy puppy.

“Not here,” he quickly states, before carrying you off to a room at the end of the hall. Fuck, was this a large house.

Once the door locks behind him, not bothering to turn on the lights in the almost pitch black of night, he takes your lips to feel his unadulterated power as he pins you to a wall. “Mingyu—“

“I’m not speaking to you, so you can forget about hearing a response.”

With much struggle, he pulls your panties out, or should you say tears it off of you as it drops tattered to the ground. That was fine. You can buy a million pieces of underwear, but there was only one Kim Mingyu. His pants fall abandoned on the ground, revealing his cock gloriously rock hard below you, looking even aesthetically beautiful with the moonlight peeking out from the window.

“You can speak now. Do you want me to fuck you, Y/n?” he asks menacingly, almost daring you to answer.

“Yes, Mingyu, please fuck me.”

He leverages you on the wall, fishing a condom out of a nearby drawer. Rolling it on, he lines it against your slit before he makes himself known. Your eyes roll back at the stretch, fingers digging into his shoulder as he bounces you on his cock. 

“Oh, fuck,” you moan.

“You’re so wet, s-shit.”

Mingyu throws back his head, immersed in the warmth radiating off your walls and he lets your moans take him to another world. In a haste decision, he slips your dress over your head before tossing it. He mouths at your tits, plump and stiff between his lips, and he hurdles a deeper round of thrusts inside you. 

When you get a little too loud, his hand comes over to clamp your mouth, wolf like eyes staring back at you, “Shut it. You don’t deserve to speak.”

His thin white tee that stays a barrier between you and him does not hide the rippling body underneath that seemed to be sculpted by gods. He presses into you, grunting, using you like his personal sex doll and you embrace it, thrived from it, came to it. Your hips contract, slewing in perfect circles, before having your legs fall gradually lifeless as you arousal drip down your thighs.

He pays your climax no mind, pushing you off the wall and pushing you into the sheets face down. You could muffle your screams of pleasure easier here. Turning your head back to face him, you notice now he’s shirtless–taut and shiny from sweat like a large set of Hawaiian rolls–before seeing how quick he is to fit back inside you.

“You can look, but remember. Stay quiet. Got it?”

You nod back, obeying, biting into the duvet.

“Good girl.” His husky voice resonates and pushes you back into the sheets.

His grunts and sounds of skins slapping are all you hear as he pounds you back into the bed. It feels like heaven beneath his weight. You were feeling flushed to the touch, but making contact with his skin was like an inferno. He was the embodiment of heat and as suffocating as that could've been, it melts you like it’s how it always should’ve been.

His pace eventually falters, followed by a hushed “fuck,” and he empties out into the rubber. The moment he pulls out, it’s over. It’s truly over. You knew it’d happen that way but the pain didn’t feel any less real.

“Wash up and get to bed before Minhee sees.”

The door shuts and once again, you’re all alone.

In that shower, you sob, washing away the remaining grime, filth, guilt. And after everything that’s happened, you still hoped he’d fuck you like that again.

The next few days goes by and you don’t get that opportunity again. Instead, Minhee took up most of your days. You’d go to the market, watch movies, meet her friends and make them your own, grabbing take out and dinner reservations until you’ve scoured every part of town. And Mingyu, well, he’s staying on the sidelines, observing, never mentioning the your night of intimacy.

You hide it through smiles, good food, good company, but you dying on the inside, thinking to yourself how things got this way.

You missed his body, his warmth, his cock fucking you recklessly, not caring if he breaks you. The guilt you had once for betraying Minhee deteriorated over time, replaced with Mingyu, and just Mingyu.

That’s then you made an opportunity. You just need Minhee out. Calling up the friends you made in the area, you arranged a time and place she'd be for an extended time without you. Your reason for staying in: medical program information. You expected her to understand, and once you told her, you were proven right.

She left as soon as your mutual friend had arrived, waving you off as she entered the car. An unsuspecting smile on her face before she closes the car door. What she won’t know won’t hurt her.

Now was the moment to put it to action. You’d have it that Mingyu couldn’t run, couldn’t avoid you, couldn’t ignore you. And you only had a few minutes until he got back from his run.

Hastily, you slip out of your modest clothes before getting into a skimpy one, deliberately showing off your assets. You take your place on the couch to wait, using channel surfing as a way to pass time.

Hearing the sound footsteps coming up the front door made your heart race, immediately going to position yourself at the entrance. When Mingyu opens to see you on the other side, he could hear his heart drop at your ensemble. His eyes fell immediately at every tiny piece of clothing barely covering you body, feeling his member harder quickly. He quickly shuts the door before anyone else can see what he’s forced to and glares at you. “What is this?”

“Welcome home, Mr. Kim.” you answer cheekily. 

“Ming—where’s Minhee?” He shoulders past you, getting to the kitchen to get a drink.

“Out,” you answer, bouncing behind him shamelessly, “I told her I had something to do while she’s gone so I could stay behind.”

“Do what,” he grits, slamming the plastic bottle on the counter, “lie to her, do something that might hurt her behind her back?”

It stings, it really did, but you lacked more morals than you realized.

“It was the only way I could get you alone.” you step in front of him, twiddling your fingers.

“What is it you want, Y/n? Haven’t you done enough to me?”

You blink at him knowingly, thinking how dare he could play a victim. “You know better than anyone that it was a two-person job. We both wanted it.”

He rolls his eyes, annoyed, “Well, it was a mistake, and I should’ve quit while I was ahead.”

“I want more, Mingyu.”

He squeezed his eyes tight, slamming the empty bottle to the floor before responding, “Why are you being like this? What is wrong with you?”

He’s angry and rightfully so, but you wanted him, so badly you’d fight for it. No one–not even Minhee–at this point could stop you.

You latch on to him, not missing his lips. You pull yourself against his sweaty, musky form until you can feel the outline of his body on yours. He forces himself to pull away with a rough tug. There’s a moment of bizarreness on his face before giving in and reconnecting your lips, furiously kissing you as he places you on the kitchen counter. His tongue is quick to find yours and pulling your top over your breasts to play with them, squeezing them harshly in his hand before tweaking your stiff peaks between his fingers.

“Mmh, daddy…please, please fuck me.”

Mingyu pauses, returning twice as rough, pressing into the sopping core that seeps out your shorts, eliciting a whine from your end. The waistband of his sweats grinds into you like he’s a machine: starved, automated, merciless. 

“You want me to fuck that bad? Hmm?” He tucks your legs around him, digging in you deeper, slapping the skin of your thigh that reached your ass. “You’re gonna be a good‌ for me to use? Let me fill you up with my cock?”

“Yes, I want your cock fucking me, please,” you plead in a high-pitched voice.

“Fine. This time and never again.” he lifts you off the counter and takes you to his room. Dumping you in bed, he pulls his muscle tank off and rips off your shorts from your body.

Right then and there, he claims the heat between your legs after spitting right into the center. He devours you, jaw gripping from the underside of your folds as his tongue runs rampant in your core. His face is damp in the matter of seconds, but your nectar is all he can think about as he fists his erection through his sweatpants.

“Daddy, your mouth is so good…you’re eating me so good.”

A hand comes on the skin of your thigh again, coming as both a warning and encouragement. He gets lost in you, inhaling you, falling weak at you. He swore he never would again. He’s already done enough thinking about you from that one picnic. The way your hair bounces in the light or how your clothes hug your body as a gust of wind blows past you. You radiated such light in stark contrast to the weak, needy beauty before him. It was on so many levels wrong, but he pointed it to all factors of being sex deprived. Of course, it was normal to find a younger attractive woman sexy. She was an adult, but wasted on him finding out how closely you work with his kid, the kids he loves so much and would kill for. 

But you. God, damn it, you. He wanted you just for a second and he took it, only for you to come back wanting more. A mirror image of himself. Unlike his initial findings, he has more in common with you than he thought.

“I’m close daddy!”

His tongue runs faster, harder, feeling the taste of your core go from one taste to another, feeling the cum coat his mouth like liquid gold. With a last jerk to your legs, he moves over to tower at you, prying your mouth open and dropping your fluid in your mouth, seeing it seep out of the corner of your lips before kissing you. He drags the taste around, gripping you by the chin, grunting in your mouth.

He kicks off his sweats, pulling you up by the arm, and allows you to straddle his lap. His cock prods at your stomach, flicking back at the soft section of your stomach. You run your fingers through hair, hovering on top of him, mere atoms away from putting him in you. You had the mind to ask breathlessly, “Condom?”

“I’d have to get up.”

A quick moment of panic runs through your mind. “I’m clean, but–”

“I’ll pull out. And cum anywhere else.”

You take a hard gulp, but give a definite nod. Not letting go of his embrace, allow the round tip to slide over your wet slit–sweet mewls leaving your lips–before you let your walls hug around his raw girth. Initially frightening, given that you weren’t willing to take this kind of risk before–you were a med student and staying safe and clean was rule one–but every inch cover around your walls stretches euphorically. 

You let out an anguished moan adjusting to his size, but with how wet you are, it wouldn’t be a problem for long. You roll your hips down, taking him all of him, incomprehensive mumbles leaving your lips while taking strikes against your ass, stinging with every touch. “Being such a good girl for me, letting me fuck you…”

He squeezes the flesh of your cheek, teeth pulling on the bottom of your lip. “It’s my pleasure, daddy…”

God, you loved it, every second. 

Minutes passed and he’s only pushed harder, plunge deeper, filling in that crevice of yours until you’re spent all over his bed. He bruises you, bites you, swelling your skin. He finally let go of all the inhibitions that once held him back. That’s when he gets close, cursing under his breath. You fall back on the bed as he pulls out, thick white ribbons shooting thin in the air to cascade over your face and chest, even on your tongue. He pants hard, unable to tear away from the decadent view he’s witnessing. You are usually lovely beyond compare, but you were absolutely breath-taking adorned by his cum.

He had to have more of you.

Although he told himself it’d be the last, that was far from the truth. Since that day, he took every opportunity to have you and without a word of defiance against you. You had your days with Minhee: breakfast, brunch, lunch, sometimes dinner. But he had you at nights, or at days the house was empty. He made it last. All of it. All of you.

Eventually, as school started up again, you’d have to leave, and he gave you one last moment in the shower to commemorate it, putting an end to this summer fling. 

Despite missing Mingyu, you were excited to get back on track. You set your back in your newly leased apartment, smiling back at the memories you’ve made in the time you were away. As you were putting away the last of the things from your disgustingly big sack, your phone goes off, Minhee’s name brightly lit on the screen.

“Hey, Minhee. I just got in,” you greet grinning.

“Aw, that’s good. I think you left something behind, though.”

“Shoot,” You shuffle through your belongings, trying to think what that thing could be. “What did I leave?”

“Hard to tell, I think it’s…the truth?”

Your eyes shoot open at the sudden hostility in her voice. “Minhee, I—“

“Are you fucking my dad, you bitch?”

[intothedysphoria]

Steve wasn’t sure which was worse. That the nightmares had started again or that Dustin had developed an obsession with Simon and Garfunkel.

Things had consistently been off since 1983 but they’d quickly gotten far, far worse since their latest trip to The Upside Down.

Dustin had brought back an eel. At least Steve thought it was an eel. He hoped it was an eel.

It was in a glass tank above Dustins bed, it had a foul temper and ever since it had entered Hawkins, strange and awful things had started happening to Neil Hargrove.

Steve didn’t feel sorry for the man, he was an asshole.

It was the fruit going bad after two hours on the shelf he was concerned about. The scorch marks on the grass. The nightmares.

It was always the same. There was a boy his age, with golden hair, running through a field. He’d fall deep into a well then Steve would wake up.

The boys name was Billy. Steve wasn’t sure how he knew this. He just did.

The eel started to grow. It had a particular fondness for Cherry Coke and Max for some reason. Why Dustin was feeding it Cherry Coke, Steve had no idea.

The day the eel got too big for its cage was the day Steve had a genuine fear of reliving the Dart situation.

Of course, that coincided with the nightmares getting worse. Well, some of them included him having sex with Billy, so maybe he was having a sexuality crisis. It wouldn’t be the first time.

The well continued to plague his dreams as well. Deep and cavernous, it swallowed Steve time and time again.

There was only one thing for it. Steve was going to talk to the eel.

Maybe dragon was more apt at that point. The eel had grown ten times overnight and stared at him from a roof with clear blue eyes.

Billy’s eyes.

The dreams shifted after that. Billy started talking to him. Really talking to him.

He was eighteen years old, he was Max’s missing older brother and he’d fallen into a cursed well. No he wasn’t really a dragon, no he wasn’t a demogorgon and yes, he was gay.

He gave this delicious little wink to Steve before the dream shattered apart.

Of course the well was a fucking portal to The Upside Down. Steve had no idea what exactly had happened to Billy but he borrowed every single folklore book from the library.

There didn’t seem to be an answer. At least not at first.

There was one book that said Billy needed to be faced with his greatest torment. Only then he could be free.

Well, it wouldn’t hurt to try.

Neil Hargrove wasn’t exactly smart. It hadn’t taken Steve much work to lure him out into the woods, just a few goads. Just enough to get to the hill that Billy had made his home (much to Dustin’s grumbling disappointment). He was also very loud

Billy took one look at Neil and ripped out his heart.

Then he collapsed, shimmering and shrinking as his body changed into something altogether more human than before.

The eighteen year old that lay before Steve was toned, with golden skin and hair and a tattoo of a skull on one arm.

He blinked at Steve, obviously dazed, then held out a weak hand and an obviously rehearsed smirk.

“Hey sexy, wanna go out sometime?”

Steve would not be held responsible for the tears that started to run down his cheeks.

They did go out. Eventually. Once Billy had healed.

And Steve only found the occasional dragon scale in the shower.

*Loosely based the Northumbrian folktale The Lampton Wyrm and I mean LOOSELY*

For @harringroveobsessed

[silantryoo]

non-idol!ahn yujin x kim!reader

WARNINGS ; n/a

yujin was pretty sure she had been in love with you since she had met you back in the summer before eighth grade.

she was friends with a lot of older girls when she was younger. most of them babied her like she was their own child, some of them even integrating her into their family due to how often they would see each other because of their activities.

that's how she met you.

you were chaewon's little sister, and it had been the middle of august. she had just gotten back from her soccer practice when chaewon had told her the girls were sleeping over at her house, and that yujin should come despite being 'a literal child who has yet to form thoughts'.

yujin glared at the shorter girl.

still, yujin agreed, not wanting to pass on the opportunity to hang out with her (basically) older sisters (plus wonyoung).

chaewon and yujin had gotten to their house first, and when yujin entered, part of her was sure she had met an angel.

you turned around to hear when the door open, your eyes immediately meeting yujin's. you sent her a curious look. she had been the one on the field that usually got scolded for tripping her members as they walked on. you remembered it clearly.

besides, her face was hard to forget.

"she's my little sister." chaewon pointed at you. "say hi, y/n."

you frowned and shook your head. "no."

chaewon glared at you, turning back to yujin with a smile. "sorry, she's going through puberty."

you scoffed, your eyes tearing away from yujin's as you turned your head to the kitchen.

"mom!" you yelled as loud as you could, your voice echoing throughout the house. "unnie said she wanted me to die!"

"you bit–"

"chaewon!"

"i didn't!" she whined, throwing the soccer ball in her hand at the back of your head. "i seriously hate you."

you stuck your tongue out.

yujin felt herself getting dragged away as her eyes locked onto your figure. she didn't know who you were back then, but she would do everything in her power to get closer to you.

yujin saw you at every single club game the following year.

the shift was noticable. she had found herself becoming more serious on the field, no longer having the playful energy that she once carried. instead, she found herself wanting to be the star of the show, at least for the shows that you watched. even their assistant coach, kwon eunbi, had commended yujin for her drastic change.

still, she didn't talk to you until she found you waiting outside of the changing room in one of their many games during spring break, waiting for chaewon.

she didn't notice you, not until you called out to her.

"oh." she heard from beside her, her heart nearly stopping. "your unnie's friend."

she frowned, upset at the fact that you didn't know her name. "my name's yujin."

"you look young." you observed, looking her up and down. yujin was sure her heart was beating faster than it had ever had. "aren't you prehistoric like unnie?"

her face twitched into a smile. "i was born in 2003."

"you're only a year older than me?" you looked at her, shocked. "why are you hanging out with unnie then? shouldn't you be hanging out with people your age?"

"i don't really have friends my age." she explained, slightly blushing at her confession. "besides, we're on the same team."

"ew." yujin watched as your nose scrunched up. "sports."

the older girl found herself walking towards you. "you don't like sports?"

she stood beside you, leaning on the wall as you looked at her with curious eyes. she brushed her hair out of her face, hoping that she didn't seem to nervous.

yujin was sure that was when you smiled at her for the first time.

"no." you shook your head, your smile still intact as she watched you closely. a light blush dusted your face. "i like acting, like plays on broadway."

"oh." yujin nodded, not really sure what that was. "what's your favourite?"

"i really like hamilton but that's basic." you shrugged, turning to her. "probably phantom of the opera. i really like that one too."

she blinked. "oh."

yujin heard you laugh, and she swore she would do whatever it took to hear it again.

"you should come over and watch it with me sometime." you whispered, fiddling with the hem of your shirt. "unnie would be distracted with yena-unnie anyways."

yujin nodded. "okay."

you smiled at her once more. your sister's friends never really cared about your interests, not in the way they cared about chaewon's.

so when yujin had agreed to hang out with you, you had nearly combusted right then and there. you didn't know why, but it made you happy.

you looked at yujin, watching as she took a sip from her green gatorade bottle.

you smiled.

you and yujin had gotten close, closer than the both of you expected.

you had spent the entirety of your junior high experience either in school, sleeping, eating or hanging out with yujin, so much so that the older girl had her own drawer in you room filled with clothes just incase she had stayed there for the night.

at first, chaewon was irritated that you had stolen her friend away from her, but after realizing (i.e. out right telling her) that you saw yujin as more than 'just a friend' she calmed down.

she just went to teasing you.

now, here you were standing at the front of your house, waiting for yujin as chaewon smothered you with hugs.

"look at you." chaewon felt tears in her eyes. "you're in high school now. my baby sister is so old."

you rolled your eyes. sometimes you wondered if she was the one with the professional acting classes.

you pulled away. "shut up, you skeleton."

chaewon glared up at you, crossing her arms over her 'SNU' sweater.

"i'm still older." she threatened, shaking a balled fist in the air. "one strong punch and i'll have you bleeding from your nose like a water fountain."

you leaned your face down at your now shorter sister (by only a single inch!). "can you reach it?"

she scoffed, slapping your shoulder as hard as she could. you patted her head in response.

"y/nnie!" you heard a shout from behind you.

before you could turn around, yujin's arms wrapped around your shoulder. your face turned a bright red as chaewon laughed.

"unnie!" you smiled brightly at her.

"yujin." chaewon smiled at the sophomore. "i expect you to watch over my sister."

yujin nodded, saluting as she heard you laugh beside her. "i will."

"make sure no one goes close to her." chaewon continued.

your eyes widened. "wait–"

yujin nodded, the thought of someone approaching you making her sick to her stomach. "okay."

chaewon glared at the taller girl. "i'm serious."

"guys," you tried to but in. "what about–"

"i am too."

"guys!" you shouted, a frown on your face. "i have a friend there already."

yujin and chaewon turned to you, your sister raising an eyebrow as yujin frowned. she didn't like how she didn't know who you were talking about.

"who?"

"huh yunjin." you replied, not missing your sister's face fall. you glanced at her. "do you know her unnie? she goes to my acting classes."

"the tall blonde one in drama club?" she said nonchalantly. "i know of her."

you looked at her, knowing her uncomfortable face after seeing it multiple times (especially after her break up with choi yena in your seventh grade). she was hiding something, but yujin didn't seem to know either.

"she's a senior." you watched her closely, seeing her eye twitch.

"okay?" chaewon rolled her eyes. "and i haven't met her."

"you will." you smiled, looking between the two. "she's driving me to school for the rest of the year."

"what?"

as if on cue, a revving of an engine could be heard coming up your street. the three of you turned, finding a blonde-haired girl pulling up in what seemed to be a luxurious sports car.

you turned and smiled at yujin, almost as if you were bragging about your friend.

yunjin pulled up to your driveway and rolled down her window, flashing a charming smile as she looked through her shades.

"hey baby!" she called out cheerfully, making yujin frown. she looked beside you, your sister crossing her arms. "kim chaewon?"

chaewon rolled her eyes. "yunjin."

she looked over to you, her smile now a frown. "you didn't tell me she was your sister."

you adjusted your school bag. "i didn't think to."

"okay." yunjin licked her lips. "are you sure she's fine with this?"

yujin rolled her eyes with chaewon. she didn't know why but she didn't like this yunjin girl. she had never heard of her until today, and suddenly she pulls up in a rich sports car calling you 'baby'?

it was a big no for the soccer player.

you shrugged, going around to yunjin's passenger side.

yujin frowned. she knew how people like yunjin could be like when it came to that type of stuff. she's met plenty of older people with cars like were made of money and smiles like diamonds.

yujin felt a nudge on her waist,

"yujin's going with you." chaewon smiled down at yunjin, who frowned in return. the blonde girl nodded and turned to you.

yujin looked at chaewon. "i am?"

"you are." chaewon clenched her jaw, whispering at yujin. "keep an eye on them."

yujin watched as you laughed at one of yunjin's horrible jokes. her eyes hardened. "okay."

she didn't like this huh yunjin.

it turns out that yunjin was a hard person to hate.

throughout the school year, the older girl would not only go out of her way for you, but for yujin as well. she would make sure that the two of you were caught up on your homework and even offered her old notes in case either of you needed it.

yunjin was also on the lookout for potential suitors that came your way. she would scare any single person away that simply looked at you, even threatening to beat up any student that asked you out in front of her.

and as much as yujin appreciated it, she hated it even more.

it was her job to protect you, her job to make sure that you weren't approached by some greasy super senior that made passes on girls that were barely fourteen.

she was supposed to be the knight in shining armor that you fell in love with, not huh yunjin.

at least she knew that you and yunjin weren't dating.

until today on valentines day.

you, yunjin, and yujin were sitting at your usual table, eating as the three of you discussed some topic that none of you really cared about.

but yujin had gotten there late, making her sit across from you and yunjin as the two of you giggled away. yujin swears she even saw yunjin whisper in your ear, making you blush a bright red.

yujin shook her head. that didn't mean anything. you weren't dating huh yunjin, you couldn't be.

suddenly, you felt a presence sit beside you.

you turned around, coming face to face with a familiar person that you haven't seen since summer at one of chaewon's many soccer games.

"y/n-ssi."

"minju-unnie?"

minju's face twitched into a smile, gripping the note in her hands. "your kim chaewon's younger sister, right?"

you looked over at yujin, trying to figure out why her teammate was here beside you.

the older girl shrugged.

"yeah?"

the three of you watched as minju blushed. with both hands, she offered you a pink envelope that a heart sticker covering it. her hands shook slightly, making yujin's eyes widen.

she had always known that you had gotten a fair amount of attention from other students in the school (unfortunately), but she would have never expected her own teammate to give you a confession letter.

yujin felt her stomach drop as she watched yunjin fume beside you.

minju swallowed. "i was wondering if you could g–"

"back off, minju." yunjin snapped, cutting the other girl off. putting a hand on the envelope, she pushed it away. "she isn't interested."

yujin looked between you and the blonde-haired girl, feeling dread spread across her chest.

"but she hasn't even–"

yunjin glared at her. "not. interested."

you grabbed the older girl's hand lightly, pulling it away and putting it on the table.

yujin felt her hand twitch, wishing that it was her instead of yunjin.

"unnie, it's fine." you smiled calmly at her. you turned back to minju. "i'm sorry unnie, but i can't accept this."

"yeah." yunjin scoffed. "throw it away or something."

"unnie!" you slapped her shoulder. "i'm sorry."

you turned to yunjin, glaring at her to calm down.

"it was worth a try." minju muttered, turning to leave. her eyes widened, sending her former teammate a smile. "oh, hey yujin."

"unnie." yujin nodded, glaring at the girl. "hey."

minju smiled awkwardly, leaving as quickly as she could as she sensed the tension that was forming in the group.

she knew she shouldn't have asked when yunjin was around.

yunjin stabbed her food aggressively, glaring at the back of minju's head. "who does she think she is?"

yujin took a bit of her food.

you shook your head. "unnie."

"like seriously?" the older girl raised her voice. "asking you in front of me."

yujin felt her grip tighten around her fork, chewing harshly as she listened to the conversation in front of her.

you put a hand on her shoulder. "she meant well."

yujin scoffed under her breath, trying her best not to roll her eyes.

"so you would've said yes?" yunjin asked, hurt laced in her eyes.

there was no way that the two of you were dating, right? there was no reason for yunjin to act this protective for any reason.

you couldn't be dating huh yunjin... right?

"of course not." yujin watched as you gave the senior a squeeze on her shoulder. "you know i only like you f–"

yujin stabbed her food hard, making her plastic fork break in half with a snap. you and yunjin looked over, watching as the usually smiley girl had a haunting frown etched upon her face.

you were dating huh yunjin.

"unnie?" you asked softly. "are you okay?"

yujin wanted to be angry at you, but she knew that it was her fault for not saying anything.

"yeah." she muttered, glaring at the food she had just murdered. "i'm just not hungry anymore."

yunjin frowned. "are you sure?"

"i'm sure." yujin looked up, sending a deadly gaze at the older girl. "are you?"

you sent yujin a confused look as the senior scratched her head, not entirely sure what she did.

but yujin wasn't mad at her for what she did. she was mad at herself for what she didn't do.

yujin knew she shouldn't meddle in relationships that weren't hers, but she couldn't let it slide anymore.

it had been two weeks since you had basically confirmed your undying love for huh yunjin and it had been haunting her ever since.

everything finally made sense. the glares she would give the people who would try to hit on you, and the odd looks she would send yujin's way whenever the soccer player would wrap her arm around your shoulder.

but like her, yujin hated every single time yunjin would just look your way. she hated the sense of adoration you felt for the older girl, and how the two of you would hang out together, usually without her because of her practices.

it had even plagued her dreams, seeing the smug smirk yunjin would give her as you professed your love to the older girl.

yujin just couldn't take it anymore.

"unnie." she pulled chaewon aside as you and yunjin raced upstairs, trying to see who was faster.

chaewon glared at the blonde girl's fading figure before turning to yujin. "yujinnie."

yujin swallowed, wondering if she should tell the older girl.

she didn't want to break your heart, but she just couldn't see you with yunjin anymore.

she couldn't see you with someone that wasn't her.

"i think y/n's dating yunjin-unnie."

yujin watched as chaewon's face contorted into something she's never seen before.

"what?"

yujin looked away from chaewon's eyes, not sure if the anger burning in them was towards her or the senior upstairs. "i'm sorr–"

chaewon pushed yujin aside, stomping upstairs as the taller girl followed closely behind her. yujin swore she could see stray tears falling from the older girl's face, but she didn't understand why.

chaewon burst through your bedroom door, finding you sitting on the bed, yunjin resting happily on your lap.

yujin could feel herself starting to fume.

"yunjin."

you looked at her curiously as yunjin shot up, a blush dusting her face. "unnie?"

chaewon looked between the both of you. "you're dating my sister?"

your eyes widened along with yunjin's. the blonde girl was taken aback, not sure where chaewon got such information.

"what are you on?" she asked.

chaewon rolled her eyes. "yes or no?"

"no!" yunjin stood up, her eyebrows furrowed in anger. "why would i?"

yujin looked between the two, feeling like she was missing something vital.

chaewon clenched her jaw. "stop lying."

yunjin let out a chuckle, glaring at the university student. "i'm not!"

you pulled yunjin's arm, and yujin saw as a rage burned in chaewon.

"what?" she took a step towards the senior, her eyes accusing the older girl. "first me then my sister? is that what you're trying to do here?"

yujin's mouth dropped. huh yunjin, the sports car driving drama kid, was kim chaewon's, the university-bound scholarship student, ex?

she looked over to you, finding you shaking your head at the whole ordeal.

"no!" yunjin whined. "i don't like her like that."

"sure." the university student shook her head. "whatever you say, yunjin."

yujin watched as yunjin's face streamed down with tears, suddenly feeling guilty about causing the entire situation in the first place. she knew she should've thought things through, but it was so hard when it came to you.

chaewon went to turn, trying her hardest not to cry.

"i'm still in love with you!"

chaewon stopped.

yujin's eyes widened. you hadn't been dating huh yunjin. she had hurt the older girl for nothing except for her misplaced anger.

yujin felt like she was going to throw up.

yunjin wiped her tears aggressively, feeling as if her entire world had collapsed on top of her. "and you're a fucking asshole for thinking i'm only friends with your sister because i want to 'round the bases'."

yunjin grabbed her keys on your bed as chaewon went to turn back around. tears fell freely on the blonde's face, roughly retracting her hand as the shorter girl tried to grab for her.

the three of you watched as yunjin left your room, hearing an aggressive slam downstairs.

yujin winced.

you shook your head, looking at your sister as she began to tear up.

"i was trying to help her get back with you." you whispered lightly. yujin felt like shit. "i didn't know that you two dated until she picked me up on the first day of school. she told me what happened."

yujin looked away, biting her tongue as she heard chaewon sniffle.

"you deserve to be happy too, unnie." you smiled as chaewon nodded, lightly wiping her tears. "yunjin-unnie is probably in her car. when she gets frustrated, she–"

"has a hard time starting it." chaewon laughed. she sent you a warm smile. "i'll talk to you later, okay?"

you nodded, hoping that everything would turn out well for your older sister. "good luck."

yujin watched as chaewon left, closing the door gently. sighing, she walked over to you, feeling your exhausted body rest against her shoulder.

you rubbed your eyes. "i wonder why unnie thought that me and yunjin-unnie were dating."

yujin gulped, looking outside your window as she watched yunjin and chaewon argue in her car. "me too."

"i don't even like unnie like that," you whispered.

"that's good." yujin hated that her chest got lighter. "i think chaewon-unnie would have a heart attack if you did."

she felt you shake your head against her shoulder. "well, she didn't so..."

yujin frowned, turning her head to you.

"you like someone?"

"seriously?" you sat up straight, your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "you don't know who it is?"

"no." yujin shook her head, her stomach gnawing away in nervousness. "i never see you around anyone except me and yunjin-unnie."

you chuckled lightly, shaking your head. "yeah, i guess so."

the two of you fell in silence as you watched chaewon continue to reason yunjin from her car.

"the person you like is really lucky." yujin whispered.

she wouldn't be selfish. not this time. not after she had caused such pain for the people she cared about.

she would let you go if she had to.

"yeah." you smiled at her, watching as she winced at the two older girls kissing outside. "chaewon-unnie thinks you are, too."

"of course she would." yujin chuckled.

you raised an eyebrow.

"wait..." yujin was sure she needed to get her ears cleaned. she turned to you "what?"

you shrug sheepishly, feeling your entire face light up in a blush. "surprise?"

oh.

"you like me?"

"no, not really." you swallowed, watching as her face dropped. "i think i've been in love with you since we watched phantom of the opera together in eighth grade. do you remember?"

of course yujin remembered. that had been the first day you two had properly hung out without chaewon around. you had explained every little detail, up to the mask they had used and the actors they had chosen.

yujin didn't know anything, but she knew she loved listening to you.

"weird, huh?" you looked at the ground. "to have your best friend's little sister be in love with you?"

yujin could feel her heart burst in two.

"can i kiss you?"

"what?!"

you turned to her, finding her staring at you with glassy eyes. "i mean, yes. of course. but wh–"

she grabbed the side of your face and leaned in gently, wanting to cherish the feeling of you as she closed her eyes.

oh, she thought as soon as your lips connected, the taste of your bubblegum lip-gloss painting her lips. so this is heaven.

she pulled away, watching as your eyes fluttered open, a small but growing smile covering your face.

"i've been in love with you ever since i met you."

you stared at her with wide eyes.

"oh." you cleared your throat, trying not to feel flustered. "really?"

yujin chuckled, "yeah."

you nodded, trying your best not to smile as she looked at you fondly.

in a small voice, you whispered. "can you kiss me again?"

yujin grinned, pulling you in for another kiss, this one slightly more aggressive.

her brain wandered as she felt you against her mouth, smiling as if you had won the lottery when in reality, she was sure that she has.

the door slammed open, but it was too late for you to pull apart.

yujin heard a gasp as she pulled away.

"why are you kissing my baby?!"

chaewon laughed as yujin fell to her knees, begging for yunjin not to beat the living hell out of her.

"wait, yunjin-unnie!"

> main masterlist.

[chershare]

Pointless rant about things I can't control below lol

This is mainly me venting, because I honestly can't control the work culture I'm surrounded by.

Whenever someone at work says "that's gay" about something they mean is either stupid or something else derogatory, I've started to respond with "no, that's me" or "you called?".

It gets very frustrating to hear every single day, and I'll take their discomfort over my responses over having to hear it all the time. I've noticed that they say it less and less - at least around me - the more I do it.

And it's like, I don't date. I'm asexual and aromantic. I live in a flesh prison that is distinctly female in appearance and work in a male dominated field. Men are more comfortable with the thought that I am a lesbian - although I don't really identify as such it's just easier than explaining I don't like sex with anyone and to keep them from hitting on me - than just not interested in them because then I can be 'one of the guys.'

Sure, I look at buff ladies and swoon - imagine the cuddling and hugs my dudes phew - but I don't want to canoodle. With anyone, regardless of gender.

But every time I hear them use "gay" as a derogatory term, when it wasn't nearly as prevalent when I was a kid, is so frustrating. It hurts even if it doesn't distinctly mean that they're talking about me. It used to be that I only had to speak up 'as a joke' to get them not to say it every once in a while and now it definitely feels like it's happening more often.

There are other women, lesbians with wives and such, who also work with me, but lean into the same word use of using "gay" like that in a way that makes me uncomfortable but I can't really make an issue with them. Like, I could, but then I'd feel like I was, I dunno. Doing something wrong? It's unclear but it makes me uncomfortable to think about butting in there and also I don't really know these people. We work together but we're not friends.

I've been working blue collar work for nearly a decade. My dad was also blue collar. Why is it that it feels like people are suddenly using it as a crutch to be crass and purposely ignorant now more than they used to? Is this all just in my head?

I went on a work trip last year and at the site my female coworker and I were talking about something - I can't remember the exact process that led to it - but a local guy we were working with said "we don't have those here". About queer people. My shocked response, reflex at that point, was "there's at least one" while my coworker from back home stared at him stunned and I gestured at all of me, because I've gotten used to keeping men from approaching me by, again, leaning into my apparently very strong lesbian vibes.

Statistically, we went on to tell him, he was wrong. Several thousand people worked on that site. Of course there were going to be queer people working there. More than likely they just didn't talk to this guy who was obviously homophobic and probably some other "fun" things that involve prejudice. It was probably, if not definitely, more dangerous for people to be openly out there.

Which, considering we drove through a neighborhood after getting lost, that had pride flags on one side of the street and swastikas on the other... Honestly, felt like it was going to end up being some kind of altercation just by being there and we left very quickly.

My coworker and I still bring up this mind boggling conversation when we talk about the trip. I wouldn't say she's the most accepting person I've ever worked with, but we're from the Pacific Northwest of the US, same as I am. I've learned that we're generally more live and let live, and things I thought were common courtesy as a kid I learned throughout my adult life aren't.

I know this is a pointless rant about one stupid word but also ightjisnalfnd

Just wanted to get it off my chest.

Ugh.

[a-murmur-of-a-prayer]

Four years ago today, I almost took my own life. My year is filled with lots of anniversaries. From happy memories to sad ones, this is the day that always hits me the most.

At the time, I was a sophomore in college. The COVID-19 pandemic was still ongoing with no end in sight, there were lots of changes at school, and I was in a very toxic side of fandom that gave me constant stress and anxiety every single day. My life seemed like it was never going to get better; it seemed like every day got worse no matter what I did. I was able to make myself believe so many things: my friends wouldn't care if I died, my classmates wouldn't miss me, my parents would be a little sad but they'd get over it. In the moment, everything was clear, or so it seemed: I was a bad person, my life was worth nothing - and really, I just wanted everything to be over.

To this day, I'm not entirely sure what snapped me out of it. It could've been a lot of things: my fear that if I killed myself I would go to hell (no longer a belief I hold, per se, but at the time I believed it and it disturbed me enough), my friends at school, my family, the fact that my dog wouldn't understand. It could've been all of those things. But whatever it was, I just couldn't do it. For a long time, I called it cowardice - and then afterwards, I took a gap semester. That officially stopped any suicidal ideation I had.

But looking back today, I know that it wasn't cowardice. I might still be mentally ill - this year definitely hasn't been what I wanted it to be, and I'm still afraid of what's to come. But things have improved. I graduated college. I grew closer to friends I had, and I also gained new friends. I got a job in my field, that I enjoyed more than I ever thought I would and transformed me for the better as a person - and though I may be unemployed now, there's a pretty high likelihood that I'll secure a job in the same field that I'll enjoy even more, that will take me to new places. I went on a lot of road trips with friends; I went to the Sundance film festival, and to a Supernatural convention. I learned to have different opinions from my parents, and to be okay with that. I learned to enjoy writing fanfiction, and not to think of it as just a guilty pleasure; I've started doing things only for myself, and no one else, and I've started learning to love myself.

In other words...the life I've lived is so much better than the one I was living, and if I had died in 2020, I would never have gotten to see it. I know this is the Depression Website, but all of you - please don't kill yourselves. As bad and as awful as life looks sometimes, there's always a better future waiting ahead - and I am so, so glad that I'm getting to see mine. As fairly normal as my life seems now, it would be a dream come true to 20-year-old me. I'm still afraid of the future, but that fear has transformed into a sort of fragile hope - and for the first time in a long time, I'm actually excited to live.

[secretlywritingstories]

I just remembered the personal blog I used to have. I started writing on it the summer at the end of my first year at university and I stopped posting the autumn I'd handed in my master thesis. It followed me through ups and downs for over five years and looking back at it now feels strange.

It's coming up on the 10 years since I started that blog. I just opened my first post to check it out and immediately noticed a dumb spelling error. And oh, how naive and unsure I was back then. Just 19 years old thinking that I was becoming an adult.

To be fair, I was but I've spent most of the last decade becoming more and more adult and I'm not sure I've reached "proper" adulthood yet. If such a thing ever exist.

But it was a curious thing to see what took up my heart and mind. Lots of university struggles, spending time with my horse, writing and setting myself writing challenges, dealing with anxiousness and stress. Perhaps not all that different from my life now (if you swap job with uni) but somehow, contradictory, also vastly different.

In the five years that the blog has sat abandoned (my old age of 24 sitting in the banner as a marker), I've gone through a lot. As a human I've grown immensely, even if many of my interests and the way I engage with the world is still similar.

My very last blog post was about handing in my thesis and then having to do an oral defence a couple of weeks later. I finished on this: I don't know if I have ever been more scared. It was that anticipation of what my life would look like when I was no longer a student.

I had been a student my whole life, jumping from one form of education to another. Ten years of school. Three years of gymnasium. Six years of university. Almost two decades of being in school in some shape or form and the anticipation of what came after was so scary. I would lose all of my structure and crumble, I could feel it in my bones.

In some ways, I did. But in other ways, I also have been very fortunate. It took me over a year to find a job. I had to go through a pandemic that only made it harder. The isolation was gutting but it also made me find an online community that are now some of my closest friends. I started working a reception job only to be able to move into a department related to my field after ten months.

I've kept past friendships from schools, I still have my horse, I'm close with my family, I daily chat with my online friends and we've been (and will go) on trips to meet up. I've got a good salary, I like my colleagues and boss, and I get to try new exciting things, even if that sometimes scares me. I have written and published almost 100 fics since that last blog post and my writing has only gotten better and better.

My brain still trips me up. I didn't dare dive into some of the more mental health related posts I made at this moment but I think I'll see present me echoed in those too. Even if I've gotten better at dealing with stuff in some ways. I'm going to try to continue to improve on that front.

Five years is a long time but somehow, in the span of a full life, also a short time. For five years, I wrote on that personal blog. It's been five years since I've touched it. One version of me started it and another version finished it, and me looking back on it now is yet another different version.

I don't share like that anymore on the internet, but I do still keep a journal I write in every single day. And well, then there's these "my tumblr dabbles" a way to give myself permission to post tiny parts of me and my thoughts online still. Crack myself open and see what flows out onto the page that I want to share. Thank you for everyone who indulges them.

[moss-bride]

The ambassador x fem reader

Short oneshot

It was a great yawning light that pushed her into a void of cold and black. She couldn't hear the chatter of the other college students on the field trip or the metallic clinging of cameras and phones, gone was the stone path under her sandals and the cool brush of black grass touched her toes sending shivers up hrr spine. She crossed her arms, the dress her friend had lended to wear did little in the way of warmth. 

This isn't the museum path. There were towering branchless trees and nothing but distant rumbling of cheers.

The plants are dead and foreign, skimming past knowledge of classes where she studied the native foliage and she doesn't recognize them.

She calls out her friend's name. The professor put them in a buddy system, she'll lose points for straying out the museum path. "This isn't funny. Come out now." Wood crunches under foot.

"You can't keep wandering off." There is no response. If she took today as an opportunity for another tour….

"We're going to fail the mark if he sees us seperated." She can't afford to have a strike against her this year. 

Her voice, high and sweet, doesn't respond and she stops searching after a long moment. The sky is an odd yellow, striking her as strange since it was midday just a moment ago. 

Sunset and it's already so cold. Likely her friend snuck away and is drinking at a nearby pub with strangers that are buying her all the tequila she wants, laughing at the fact she managed to elude her. 

From the distance chattering sounded through the trees, the rest of the group , she ran towards them with relief making a smile light up her face.

Coming to a clearing she waved at the figures closing in. Eager to put this day behind and return to the hostel room. But as they drew closer a horrifying fact made itself clear. They looked nothing like college students or anyone she'd recognize. Decked to the nines in jewelry and dresses 

They came wearing masks and she seems to have so rudely interrupted their party. 

She tries asking them questions but only gets garbled replies. She follows after with little choice. And after a moment she realizes they lead her to a ball. Melting candle wax and red rose petals, glittering dresses and singing of white nights, perfumes of incense, alabaster stone.

The cloth flesh coils around her. When she enters they look up and cheer for her to join. 

She hesitates. Taking slow steps, her sneakers were replaced by lace heels. Streetwear and lanyard ID substituted by a white gown gleaming silver and gold and sleeves threaded with pearls to match

She gasps at finding herself in front of an audience. She had wandered into a royal audience chamber.

"I need to get back home." she pleads.

In her short time wandering the palace walls she managed to enrapture the attention of an important figure.

Disdain and amusement. They lean on their knuckle, resting on their seat. Like watching the riders of a carousel from the sidelines. When humans wander in they usually die quickly or are transformed. 

She jumps on the upside down stairs to see if they would fall. But her feet land, rooted by a strange gravity.

The ambassador lets her explore their bash. This one captures them. A male guest stumbles and falls down cowering in drugged stupor, they observe the human woman running to his side to help him up. Getting nothing but a burp in thanks but she only smiles as the citizen stumbles off.

They enjoy the sight of their smile.

The ambassador gives her a room in the highest tower. A stab at the yellow sky. It's beautiful and fully furnished with a lone single window offering a view on the city. An important room. Far too much for a magic-less intruder like her. 

She learned from servants the name of this place. Alagadda. 

Ten days since she had last seen her home. An eon since she had seen the faces of her family and friends. Her heart aches. 

Gowns, silk, fur, instead of cotton. It's still too early to say she's gotten used to this place.

Each evening she sits with the king, the four lords and the ambassador 

Odious questions and threatens her. But she remained unresponsive. The only reason he hasn't erupted and sent her to the dungeons is because of the ambassador.

There was this terrible opening of their chest laid bloody and bare for a simmering emotion they had not felt in eons. For the first time they wander the tower of their fractured city with a new viewpoint. Remembering all the times they stalked others through this building with malicious intent.

Now they are here with a chest full of….affection.

They see her window as they stand below the tower. Brushing flakes of gold out of her hair with the brush they had gifted her a week ago.

It wasn't until they felt a hand on their shoulder did they realize that they'd taken steps towards her.

It's the Red lord. They stand together for a moment, voyuers to her nightly routine, then he clears his throat. "If I could offer you some advice on the winning of a mortal heart?"

He takes their silence as acquiescence. "Human women love material gifts. You are on the right track by giving her the main tower but jewelry and clothes will have her panties dropping in no time."

Why do they keep Rubedo around? They take the nugget of crude guidance (not that they needed help) and apply it to the next meeting.

She's the star of the evening, they flock around her and laugh at her jokes, hanging on to every word. When she exits a party for the rest of the night they look towards the curtain willing for her to return.

They love her. Far different from the interest of passing entertainment or love of themselves, the way they felt for her rumbles the nonexistent pit of their stomach.

Life thrived through each motion she made, sincere and solid. People could trust the slow smile and wide eyes. 

So when she asked so sweetly to leave they couldn't help but delay. They won't let her escape.

Instead the ambassador offers her things that would appeal to her human senses. Jewels for every day of the month. "As pretty as your smile."

Hugging her to their chest. The hand cups her cheek and presses their face against hers. There is no mouth to kiss or nose to nustle against. Just the gaping imprint of where those features would be.

They are close and cold as a corpse when her hands reach their waist and shoulder. 

They present her with a crown of rubies. Placing it on her head. "As bright as my yearning." they whisper in her ear.

Gloves of fine diamonds that come to her elbows and black pearl earrings.

Food that she loves with the taste of joyful childhood. Tasting of the impossible. Concepts in bites of cookies, laughter in slices.

They have the three high lords bow at her arrival. Seated above the bound king. At their side.

Trumpets sound as soon as she descends into a party.  She wants to run from the masks that watch her. Foreign and far from the warmth of humanity. But the ambassador is there. Holding her tight. "As loud as my love for you." They say. Spinning her across the ballroom floor.

They tell her that her human origins are beneath her. Throw away the past and relish the eternal now of their all-encompassing love. Forget her family and friends. School and work. Dance with them under the light of candlelit chandeliers. The stage calls for her to sit next to the director. 

[liviavanrouge]

Magic Hearts Prologue- Meeting

Humming filled the air, a brown red haired girl walking down the sidewalk. Her feet carried her up the stairs to her school, the sound of people chattering filling her ears.

Teyvat High School for people from all over the area no matter how far away.

Having been homeschooled half of her life, her uncle finally allowed her to attend high school so she could make some friends and have fun for her next few school years.

Her eyes scanned the students, noticing there were a few athletes running around, band kids talking with theater kids.

A few teachers greeted the students, offering them drinks of snacks while they waited for the doors to open.

A gasp erupted from her when she crashed into someone, her books falling down the ground.

"Oh sorry about that!"

Both girls crouched down, picking up the books. The pink haired girl handed her back her book.

"Hi! I'm Charlotte! So sorry again about bumping into you"The pink haired girl greets giving her a warm smile.

"I'm Mila"The brown red girl greets smiling slightly, clutching her books to her chest.

"Wanna join me and some of my friends? We don't mind having a new person"Charlotte offers.

Mila perked up, wondering if she could become friends with these girls. It'd be her first time having friends but it would all be worth it.

"Sure!!"

Charlotte smiled, chatting about how she was going to join the Newspaper Club that the school had.

The club always kept everyone, students and teachers, updated on things like school parties, field trips, random drama and much more. "I'm going to be the best writer ever! This freshman year is gonna be amazing!"

A giggle passed between them, the two making their way over to two other girls who waved to a ginger haired boy making his way over to some of the athlete's.

"Chiori, Lynette, we've got a new friend!" Both girls looked over, their eyes immediately locking on Mila.

"Hello, I'm Lynette"One of the girls greets, meeting the two halfway with the other girl right behind her.

"I'm Chiori....nice outfit"The other girl greets her arms crossed over her chest.

The four perked up, looking over as the school doors opened. "Come on, let's head inside"Lynette suggests placing a hand on Mila's back. The four girls made their way inside, Mila looking around curiously taking in the lockers, the classes, even possibly getting a glimpse of what seemed to be the cafeteria.

A smile appeared on her face. "I think I'm gonna like this school year!"

She yelled in surprise, crashing into someone and falling over.

"Oh sorry!!"

~~~

{A few minutes earlier, Lyney 3rd POV}

Lyney grinned, showing his friends a few magic tricks. "Now you see it!" His hand smoothed over the card causing it to vanish. "Now you don't!"

Childe laughed, grinning at him. "Nice trick, Lyney"Aether smiled Gaming sitting beside him looking impressed. "Very impressive, it's hard to believe that the card has actually disappeared"Albedo comments looking interested.

The ash blond perked up when he noticed his sister talking with a new girl. "Huh who's that?"Lyney asks curiously pointing to the brown red haired girl.

His friends all looked towards where his finger pointed too, staring at the girl talking to Lynette, Chiori and Charlotte.

"Hey, she's pretty cute"Childe comments looking curious. "But not as cute as my lovely girlfriend, Dove!"

Chuckling came from the others, Aether and Lyney glancing at each other feeling so very single when with these guys.

Gaming had a girlfriend named Milana who was a fantastic dancer and he frequently did dances with her all throughout middle school into high school. The two had gotten together in their second year at Teyvat Middle School Academy and have gotten closer since then.

Childe's girlfriend, Dove, enjoys tinkering with mechanic's and could often be found in the robotics room being watched by a teacher to make sure she was safe. Childe could be referred to as an overbearing and affectionate boyfriend but Dove doesn't seem to mind it at all.

And lastly, Albedo's girlfriend is named Rumi, who's in after school art with him. The duo had gotten together last year at the end of middle school and have been with each other since then, always finding a way to see each other.

"Childe!"

"Albedo!"

"Gaming!!"

The three boys got up and made their way over to their partners.

Childe laughed, picking Dove up and spinning around before setting her back down. He pressed kisses to her head as the duo walked away.

Albedo pressed a kiss to the back of Rumi's hand and twirled her around to get a good look at her outfit. "You look great"Albedo comments causing his girlfriend to giggle at his little compliment.

Gaming threw his arms around Milana's waist, the two laughing happily. He set her down, chuckling as she peppered kisses all over his face. The duo held hands, running off as the school doors opened allowing the students to enter.

Aether helped Lyney clean up his supplies after their friends ditched them. "Let's head inside."

Both ran off, hurrying after the other students. Joining into the crowd, the two boys stepped inside the school. "No pushing or shoving!"Jean calls holding one of the doors open.

Lisa held the other door open, smiling as she gestured for everyone to head inside. "I think they're gonna hand us our schedules in the auditorium"Aether says following the wave of students.

Lyney nodded then smirked and bumped Aether with his hip. Aether bumped him back a little rougher giving him a challenging look.

Stumbling backwards, he crashed into someone and a yell erupted from the person as they fell over.

He turned around, quickly holding his hand out to the person. "Oh sorry!!"

@queen-of-twisted @albedomestic-airline

[quite-right-too]

AskBox Ficlet

Prompt: Their first proper serious fight as a couple. Thank you @rainingfishandfrogs for the prompts!

The change from having all of time and space at his disposal to being thrown into domesticity was like whiplash to the Doctor.

Sure, he had joked with Rose on the Sanctuary Base about having a house with carpets and a mortgage — however this wasn't exactly what he meant. It was so long ago, but he still remembered the end of that conversation like it had happened yesterday.

"Not to end up stuck here."

"Yeah, but stuck with you, 's not so bad."

But now he's human — well, part human — and he's living in a flat with windows and carpets and neighbors. He had to get a name, a job, and official paperwork indicating that he was, in fact, a normal living person who had documentation from the entire life on this planet. Legally, he was John Noble who worked at Torchwood, thirty-one years old from London, and just a normal bloke.

It was awkward the first night, Rose needing to get reacquainted with her Doctor. They talked and laughed and cried as everything from the past four years spilling out. He told her about the Master and the Year that Never Was. The trip on Midnight. Meeting Agatha Christie and William Shakespeare. The Titanic crashing through the TARDIS itself. She told him about her ascent through Torchwood. About the main working on the Dimension Cannon. About the alternate universe where he died.

They went to bed together, the Doctor holding her in his arms while they drifted off. Not once did he let her go. The bliss of being together again was better than he had ever felt before.

It took a week before they had their first row.

"How many times have I told you to have someone with you when you if you're going into active gunfire!?" The blinds were drawn and the door was locked as Rose screamed at the Doctor in her office. "Do you know how much trouble you could've gotten yourself into!?"

The Doctor scoffed. "I knew what I was doing, Rose," he remarked as he sat in her chair, propping his feet up on her desk. "I'm sort of a professional at this."

"That's not what this is about," Rose said, exasperation evident in her tone. "You didn't even ask for backup. You just went in without a single care in the world!"

"Because I can handle myself, Rose! I've faced armies of the likes that nobody here has ever seen. I was a soldier," the Doctor spat. Standing up, he pushed the chair away and leaning over the desk, his nails digging into the wood.

"And I am your commanding officer!" Rose yelled, going nose to nose with the man in front of her. "You may be the Doctor, but I run this sector of Torchwood and you still need to respect my authority when we are on the field! I can't believe you had to be so bloody reckless!"

The Doctor's breath hitched, teeth gritting as he lost control of his very-human temper.

"I was the lone survivor of the Last Great Time War — a war that lasted four hundred years before I ended it! Not just the Time Lords, not just the Daleks, but so many more. The Skaro Degredations, the Horde of Travesties, the Nightmare Child, the Could-have-been King with his army of Meanwhiles and Never-weres!"

"I know about that, Doctor!" Rose's fists were clenched at her sides, her voice beginning to shake. "I knew what I was getting into when I chose you. I know your past, your pain, and I love you regardless!" Tears began to trickle down her face as she fought to keep her resolve.

"I can't lose you again."

Send me a sentence prompt and I’ll write you a TenRose ficlet!

[simmerdowndee]

episode eight part two

Today, Theo, my dad and I are taking a tour of UB’s campus. I have only been on the campus one other time on a field trip in middle school. It looks a little different but also very exciting.

The main focus for today is to see if I want to stay in a traditional dorm or if I want to stay in a single room townhome.

UB counselor: So, this is a single room townhome. It is equipped with a full kitchen and living room. You also have a bar.

Theo in the background: That will be fun.

Ellis: A bar for a college student?

Counselor: Most of our students who choose this type of living are adults who can drink. Dakota may be one of the few who actually choose this and is under the age of 21.

Dakota: Don’t worry dad, I won’t be stocking the bar every weekend.

The counselor takes us upstairs to see the bedroom.

Counselor: Here is the bedroom. It’s pretty spacious and it comes with a queen-size bed, perfect for one or two. I know girls love to have their friends over.

Theo in the background: The other side is for me…

Dakota whispering to Theo: Do you want me to get this room or not?

Theo: My bad, I’m excited that we can be alone for once.

Ellis: Dakota.

Dakota: Coming!

We finish the tour, and go back outside to talk with the counselor.

Counselor: So, what are we thinking?

Dakota: I love it!

Ellis: Are you sure you want to be in a townhome alone?

Dakota: I think I’ll be fine dad. I know as much as you don’t want to hear this, Theo will most likely be here a lot of the time….

Theo: I’ll make sure she’s safe…. Before I head home each night.

Dakota whispers to Theo: Nice.

Counselor: So, dad, what’s it going to be?

Ellis: She’s never not gotten what she wants so….

Dakota: YAY!! Thanks dad!!!

My dad and I go over the paperwork with the counselor and sign off on my new townhome. I get to call this home for the next 4 years.

[candiedapplez]

I ask you all of the questions from that one reblog. Good luck/nf/j

Omg ok this will be a while then tehehehehehehhe im not complaining though!!!! Heres the questions so u can look at the questions and the answers!

1.this one is OBVIOUS!!! A-90 and Opheebop!!! DUUUUUUUH!

2.lighter. Ive never used a match before

3.ew no!!! I don't want buggies crawling in my room while im sleeping!!!! However i have before!

4. Aaaaaa ive never really gotten into that stuff so i cant really give an answer-

5. A really dark brown!!

6. Oops i did that again???

7. Well idk ive used both and they are both work really well! however i do think scrunchies are safer for your hair, i use normal hair ties more often because scrunchies are more bulky and yeah i dont prefer that, but both are great!

8. Six. I have six.

9.NONE! COFFE IS GROSS BLEEEEEEGH!!

10. Ofc!!

11. Does drawing count?

12. Good day!!!!! I havent cried yet so-

13. Not too long ago, like an hour ago actually. I had pizza! (Incase u were wondering)

14. HELL YEAH!!!

15. Nope and i never want to be 😗

16. NoooooOoOoO-

17. Nope i have perfect vision muah

18. I DONT WANNA SAY TEHE! (Sry)

19. Yea ofc!!! But they probably wont turn out good…

20. Soda…. Ive never seen or heard anyone say pop before….

21. Plushies!!!! I have a unicorn plush my old friend (we dont talk anymore since she moved) gave me for my 7th bday!!!! Yes i remember when, yes i still have it! And its in perferct condition!!! Also there was this one kid who ig had a crush on my and he gave me a basket full of stuff for valentines day and i still have said basket-

22. I have no clue what this means? I guess sensitive?

23. Love it!!!!!

24. Eating :] (and joking abt pushing each other off probably/JOKE/JOKE/JOKE/JOKE)

25. Aaaa i use all of them but i use lotion most so ig lotion?

26. Idk what to say for this one aaaaaagh

27. Like 5 i think? Ive been getting better with my sleep time!!!!

28. Not anymore, our school last year said we could take them off, however i was SO insecure about my face (still am, but not as much as before) so i would wear it every single day. If i showed up to school without one people got surprised. I stopped wearing them this year, however.

29. Hot????

30. THE FUCKING WATER BOTTLES!!!!

31. Theres a lot, i dont wanna get into it 😵‍💫

32…… is that a thing? People have favorite towels??

33. Hm my school took us on a field trip to a high school so we can see animals if that counts… (i have pictures btw if u wanna see them! We saw pigs, sheep, cows and bunny! I didnt take pic of bunny tho 😢)

34. LITERALLY EVERY SIX THE MUSICAL SONG HOLY SHIT IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS (the only ones i might mess up on are aywd and idnyl bc aywd is long and i dont listen to idnyl often)

35. Pst!!

36. Only once! My username used to have a 0 between the words (Candied0applez) but i changed it bc it made it sound like i candied no apples… but i was originally going to be called caramelapplez but i thought candied sounded better heheh)

37. The friend i mentioned earlier i met first day of kindergarden, her name is Alana, and this other girl Maya i met before kinder! We met eachother at a park and when we walked home we found out we were neighbors so we instantly became besties! (We still are to this day but she lives 30 mins away so i dont see her often-(

38. All…?

39. Sometimes!

40. Ice cream!!!

41. Empty. Coffee is gross

42. Hahahah yt, roblox and occasionally twitter!

43. HAND IT OVER BITCH!

44. Myself/j fucking donald trump 🤮👈🖕

45. NO ☺️

46. Oh god i dont watch any 🫢

47. | v

this actually was to the other girl i mentioned earlier! Maya! I found baby pictures of us when we were in 2nd-3rd grade and i showed her today!!!

48. Never and i dont plan on ever!

49. Never tried

50. GO AHEAD I GET SO EXCITED WHEN IM TAGGED IN SOMETHING AAAAA!

omg that took forever!!! Gosh i dont mind though!!! These were fun questions! Aaaaaaaa i enjoyed that tyty!

[rederiswrites]

If you get this, answer with 3 random facts about yourself and send it to the last 7 blogs in your notifications, anonymously or not! Let's get to know the person behind the blog :D

Hey, babe! Everything about me is random tbh. Let's see...

I never had a cellphone until my first smartphone 6 years ago or so. Just Poor Kid Things, I guess. Virtually the first thing I did after getting it (it was a Google Pixel and I loved it and wish I'd gotten another one instead of this Galaxy) was go to Hawaii with the kids, tagging along with my spouse's work trip. I was alone with the kids most of the time and we used that phone for EVERYTHING, where to eat, what to do, closing times, walking directions.... Everything but talk to Jacob, because he still didn't have a phone til years later.

Speaking of travel, I'm in absolute love with seeing Different Agriculture and was even as a kid. Catch me half out the rental car window, trying to get a better look at a field of papayas. When my choir went to Disney World in high schools, I took like an entire disposable camera of photos in the Epcot hydroponics houses.

I had an outhouse growing up. Yup. Dirt road, tiny Appalachian mountain valley, outhouse. Not because that's where my family came from, cuz they didn't. It was the only way my mom could afford a single-family home with some land. I'd moved out by the time she put in a bathroom.

[cuntwrap--supreme]

I was lucky enough to have gotten to do a field school through the University of Utah several years back in which we camped in Range Creek Canyon for a little over a week (among many other super rural places in Utah).

Range Creek Canyon is the sort of place that has like one road in, and it's a single lane up and down Utah-sized mountains, and it takes about 2 hours to get there from the nearest village. It's one of the most remote places in an already very unpopulated state.

And, because it's so remote, the sky is about as clear as it can get.

So we roll in, we set up our tents, and we eat dinner. Around sunset, the professor leading the field school says he wants us to go on a night hike. Which is concerning because the woman who takes care of the area says there are routinely grizzly bears and mountain lions passing through at night. But we all go, obviously just paying attention to the ground for about a mile because it's dark and none of us want to trip over some little sagebrush plant and die. And he leads us to the top of the nearest hill and we stop, and he says, "Ok. Lights out now." Which, again, is concerning when there are massive predators that hang around in the area.

But like all 12 of us turn our lights out, let our eyes adjust a minute, then look up. And, for the first time in my life, I actually see the stars. And I had to fully sit down in the sand because I simply could not believe it. I couldn't fathom what I'd been missing, the view that had been taken from me. It's as close to a spiritual moment as my non-believer ass has ever felt.

And then we sat there for about half an hour, all memory of potential threats in the darkness having vacated my brain, before it was announced that we'd be getting up at sunrise and it was approaching 10pm so we needed to get to bed. But, after then, I removed the rain fly from my tent and got to stare at truly clear skies every night for a week before I had to come back to the major city I live in and, at best, be able to see three or four stars total.

I think one big reason why we don't consider the stars as important as before (not even pop-astrology anymore cares about the stars or the sky on itself, just the signs deprived of context) is because of light pollution.

For most of human history the sky looked between 1-3, 4 at most. And then all of a sudden with electrification it was gone (I'm lucky if I get 6 in my small city). The first time I saw the Milky Way fully as a kid was a spiritual experience, I was almost scared on how BRIGHT it was, it felt like someone was looking back at me. You don't get that at all with modern light pollution.

When most people talk about stargazing nowadays they think about watching about a couple of bright dots. The stars are really, really not like that. The unpolluted night sky is a festival of fireworks. There is nothing like it.

[spicydemonfox]

I wanted to keep it brief but lol, that didn’t happen. Time to get sappy, folks.

This isn’t the first one someone from a band I loved died. Nor is it the first time someone who used to be my favourite died under suspicious circumstances. But that doesn’t make it any easier to accept it.

One Direction was one of the most important things in my life at a certain point. I had little hope for their reunion, and I always knew we would never be able to recapture the magic that were those years between Up All Night and Midnight Memories. I always thought I had said goodbye to One Direction already, way before they broke up, even before Zayn left. But I never imagined I would be making a post like this, or even thinking about this, this early in our lives.

Liam used to be my favourite back in the day. He seemed sweet, mature, and genuine and that’s what I liked about him. He grew up into a different person, as we all do, and growing up in front of the whole world, under a microscope, clearly took a massive toll on him. It’s devastating to think how the system has failed him; how many people failed him, how many times he failed himself and others. These things weren’t supposed to be ‘solved’ like this. He should’ve faced repercussions for his actions. He should’ve gotten real help. He wasn’t supposed to go this way. But I don’t want to point fingers, blame people who aren’t to blame, focus on all the shitty things. I want to focus on the positive things I experienced because of One Direction, and hence because of Liam.

Me and my friend filmed this video twelve years ago in Köln, Germany. We went traveled Prague to Manheim the day before so we could get up at 1am to get the last train to Köln, get there in the morning and spend the day waiting to maybe have a chance to talk to One Direction. By some absolute miracle, we were among the couple hundred people (out of many more hundreds) who got those magical wristbands, and lo and behold, we were in front of them, the chance we never dared to seriously think about right in front of us. Out of sheer shock, we only talked to each other. We didn’t say a single word to them (beside “what?” “yes” and maybe “thanks”). But Liam pointed to a rubber duck on the table and said “It’s a duck in a car” to us. It’s audible in the video. But then, as if in a dream, it was over. A couple of high fives, handshakes and smiles, and off we went with our signed booklet of Up All Night. We spent the entire night after in Köln, by ourselves, on the streets, scared out of our wits, because we didn’t have a place to stay. It was an absolutely stupid idea, but it was an incredible trip, such a thrill, and something I will never forget in my life, not only because of 1D, but because the trip perfectly sums up our friendship.

One Direction helped me in one of the most loneliest times of my teenage years in ways I never expected. It wasn’t my kind of music, it wasn’t what I usually liked. I probably would have never listened to them if I was alone in it. But I wasn’t alone; I was in a train with my friend, and a dog who looked coked up, and that afternoon it all started. What One Direction gave me, gave us, was a connection. They gave us something to talk about, think about. They gave us sunny afternoons in the middle of a field, in the middle of nowhere, singing, talking, listening. They gave us endless source of laughter, warmth, and ideas.

Sometimes we paid little tributes to 1D without others knowing. Clothes, accessories, hairstyles. Sometimes, we expressed our love for them obnoxiously, loudly. Often, we roped other people in to – our friends, our families, or even our unsuspecting classmates (we made them replicate the Talk Dirty to Me dance at our prom, without them knowing what it was referring to). We were two menaces obsessed with a boyband, and we weren’t ashamed of it, not one bit.

But sometimes, some ideas were just ours. And we took them and ran with them and wrote all of them down. We spent months, probably over a year, writing together. As shitty as it was, and as embarrassing as it is now, what we created will always be something I’ll love, not because of the content or the ideas, but because of the process. One or two chapters a week, or four chapters in a day, it was a stream of energy that kept me going. Waiting for someone to finish their chapter just so you could write some more. Sharing your thoughts with another person, no matter how stupid and cringy the ideas are. Giving someone else the control of where the story goes. Having something only we had, and others couldn’t get to. It was a form of intimacy we didn’t understand then, but I think I appreciate it a lot more now. It was magical, and I will always cherish it. 

We have millions of stories, memories, anecdotes, and jokes from that time. We have embarrassing photos, videos, (insane) memorabilia. We have something that makes up two books. We have something to laugh about, smile about, or even think about from time to time to make the days a little lighter. We have something to look back to when we need a pick me up. That time has shaped us a lot, whether we like it or not. We carry a part of it inside of us, always.

As we grew up, One Direction weren’t the alfa and omega of our lives, our paths separated and my friend and I drifted apart. It’s a natural part of life. I thought of it as such too, and I was content with it. But then something tragic happened and for a day or two, I thought she would be gone forever. I never told her this because her tragedy and grief was (and is) so much greater, unimaginable. But I was terrified for those two days. I hadn’t lost anyone important to me yet at that point, and the idea of it being my friend was not something I could approach in any way. I was in shock. I was devastated, scared and full of regret. Regret for being judgemental, for the complicated, shitty things that went on between us before, for losing touch, for letting my ego stand in the way. Despite not talking properly for a long time, or even qualifying for the term friends, I didn’t want to lose her. The bond we made when we were teens, the connection we had because of One Direction, was more than some petty, immature conflicts. I realized that in those two days and swore to myself that I would put it all aside if I my friend pulled through. She did. We got ‘a duck in a car’ matching tattoos later that year to commemorate everything One Direction represented and continues to represent to us. Connection.

The morning the news of Liam’s passing reached everyone, I was teaching a seminar. One of the students always comes early, and that morning, she asked me if I had heard. I had, I said. Now, I don’t tend to share much about myself with the students, but I saw she needed to talk to someone about it, so I told her that I used to like 1D, too. What followed was us exchanging stories about the times we were obsessed with them, the concerts we went to, photos, and all. I was really, really grateful to the student for bringing it up, and sharing what they meant to her with me. We’re a different generation and nationality, but that didn’t matter at the moment. That’s what One Direction keeps giving us. Connection.

I can’t imagine what Liam’s family and loved ones are going through. I can’t imagine what the boys must be feeling right now. I just hope they, and Liam, know what they made possible for a lot of people, and are aware of all the good they made in the world by connecting people.

My heart goes out to everyone affected.