#i have difficulties trying to articulate my feelings about them

[franeridan]

in the middle of the frobin arc thinking about frobin

[miss-hyoko]

Um, can i have a gado-gado of Malleus, Vil, and Floyd with an S/O who is suffering from Alexithymia?

I would love to see these three's ways of handling this S/O! GN reader please!

"My sincerest apologies for the delay, valued customer. Here is your much-awaited order—a delightful serving of [Embracing Emotions] gado-gado. We hope its flavors tantalize your taste buds and bring you utmost satisfaction. Bon appétit!"

Embracing Emotions

Character(s): Floyd, Vil, and Malleus

Summary: His S/O had Alexithymia

Tag(s) and warning(s): GN!Reader, fluff, romantic, established relationship, doting boyfriend

Note: This request took quite a while to finish because I need to do some research about Alexithymia first. Hopefully, I did them justice in this. If there's anything wrong, please feel free to point them out 🙌

1. Floyd Leech

Floyd's interest in you started in a rather peculiar way. It was one of those days when he was feeling particularly grumpy, and in his foul mood, you accidentally bumped into him. Irritated, Floyd decided to give you a little scare by squeezing you. To his surprise, instead of screaming in fear or struggling to free yourself, you simply stared at him, dumbfounded and unsure of what to do. Your unexpected response intrigued Floyd, so he started relentlessly pestering you. Looking back now, maybe it was 'Love at First Squeeze'.

As Floyd's relationship with you progressed further, he started noticing something in your way of communication that he hadn't paid much attention to before. Whenever someone asked for your opinion, you seemed to falter, struggling to find the right words to express yourself. Even when you did respond, your responses often came across as general or vague, leaving Floyd with a sense that you had difficulty expressing your feelings.

True to his straightforward nature, Floyd wasted no time addressing the communication struggles he observed in your relationship. When he learned about your Alexithymia, everything finally clicked into place. While it did initially surprise him, Floyd wasn't bothered by your condition in the slightest since he can understand you quite well. However, if you wish to improve your condition, perhaps you can consider seeking Azul's help? ... Just kidding! Floyd wouldn't mind wracking his brain to figure out a way for you.

When Floyd's with you, he becomes more talkative and loves asking about your feelings whenever you're doing something together. In case you're uncertain about how to respond, Floyd will give you a variety of word options to help you describe how you feel, helping you navigate the complexities of expressing your feelings.

Floyd: *squeezing you* "Guppy~ What do you feel when I do this to you?"

His S/O: "I... I don't know."

Floyd: "Wrongg~ Try again, Guppy. What do you feel if I'm squeezing you like this?" *squeezing you tighter* "Do you feel unhappy, scared, surprised, or maybe happy?"

His S/O: "I..."

Whenever you expressed a specific feeling, he would eagerly ask you to recall and describe the physical and mental sensations associated with it. Floyd thinks that by remembering and articulating the feelings you experienced, it can be used as references to help you better identify and communicate your emotions in the future.

2. Vil Schoenheit

Vil was initially drawn to you because you had this kind of aloof aura surrounding you, creating an air of mystery and making you seem unapproachable. But, as he got to know you better, Vil realized that your aloofness wasn't intentional but rather a result of your struggle to express your emotions verbally. This led Vil to speculate that you might have Alexithymia.

At the beginning, Vil found your emotional detachment and difficulty in expressing emotions frustrating. He struggled to comprehend why you couldn't verbalize your feelings like others could. However, upon entering a relationship with you, Vil realized the need to shift his perspective. He took the initiative to research and learn more about Alexithymia by seeking articles, books, and personal accounts to deepen his understanding of your condition. Through this newfound knowledge, Vil gradually adapted his mindset and approach, becoming more patient, empathetic, and supportive

Known for his sharp tongue and sarcastic remark, Vil's way of speaking leaves an impression on those who encounter him. Yet, when he engages in conversation with you, Vil speaks with unparalleled patience that surprises those who witness it. It's as if he channels all of his patience and understanding exclusively for you. Vil understands the importance of clear and honest communication between the two of you, so he chooses to speak bluntly and directly, without any codes or sarcasm that could potentially misinterpret the meaning of his words.

Vil consistently encourages you to work on enhancing your ability to identify and express your emotions. When he's not busy, he'll invite you to watch movies together to aid your emotional understanding. During these movie sessions, Vil attentively guides you through the film by highlighting every emotion portrayed by the actors. He will tell you the emotion's name, the reasons behind its occurrence, how it is expressed, the accompanying experiences, and much more.

Vil: "The girl is disappointed because she got a poor grade on the test and has to take extra classes during the vacation."

His S/O: "Disappointed?"

Vil: "That's right, potato. Disappointed. It's the feeling you experience when something doesn't go according to what you wanted. You know, like when you had plans to go out but suddenly there's a storm. You would feel lost, wouldn't you? That's called disappointment."

When it comes to grappling with your emotions, Vil is a reliable source of guidance since he's an experienced actor well-versed in a wide array of emotions. He can suggest you various strategies you can try to help you navigate through your feelings, such as engaging in open discussions with trusted individuals, writing down what you feel on paper, or perhaps immersing yourself in music that resonates with your emotions.

3. Malleus Draconia

From the very beginning, Malleus already sensed that there was something unusual about you. Your seemingly apathetic demeanor and rare displays of emotions piqued his curiosity. Malleus assumed you were simply incredibly calm and collected, so he kept his observations to himself, choosing not to prod further. It wasn't until you both became a couple that you opened up to Malleus about your Alexithymia, leading him to finally understand the reasons behind your actions all this time.

Understanding the impact that Alexithymia can have on your interactions and personal life, Malleus becomes deeply concerned about how society might treat you for being different. With firsthand knowledge of the pain of being treated differently, he empathizes with your potential struggles and is determined to shield you from similar treatment. To ensure your well-being and happiness, Malleus spares no effort to help you understand your emotions, going as far as seeking guidance from Lilia.

Malleus is an incredibly supportive boyfriend. He actively encourages you to share as much as you can about your Alexithymia, attentively listening to every detail so he can help you cope with your condition. If you ever expressed a desire to explore methods that could improve your communication skill or expand your emotional range, Malleus would be more than willing to assist you in exploring the complexities of emotions. However, he also respects your boundaries and never pushes you beyond what you're comfortable with, allowing you to progress at your own pace.

Following Lilia's advice, Malleus begins closely observing your facial expressions and body language to determine the emotions you might be feeling. If you find yourself overwhelmed by intense emotions that you struggle to comprehend, he won't immediately validate your feelings. Instead, he gently shares his perception of the emotion he believes you might be experiencing to help you clarify your emotions and work through them.

Malleus: "The final exams are just a week away. Have you prepared yourself well, beloved?"

His S/O: "In the past few days, I've been preparing by reviewing the previous lessons."

Malleus: "That is good. But why do you still look anxious?"

His S/O: "No, I don't feel anxious. That word is a bit too much for..." *pauses to think for a moment* "Rather than anxious, I think I'm just nervous..."

Malleus: *smiling softly* "Is that so?"

This fae prince CAN and WON'T hesitate to go the extra mile to create a special notebook specifically for you. Inside this personalized notebook, he compiles an extensive list of various emotions, complete with the characteristics people feel when experiencing them and numerous example situations that might evoke these emotions. Additionally, Malleus even goes as far as filling the notebook with simple illustrations that he drew himself just to make sure the process of identifying emotions is easier for you.

[trapastrology]

Songs that explain 12H synastry (house pov)

This song explains 12H synastry to a T from the perspective of the house person. Now, there are many different feelings & thoughts that the house person can have. This pov is when the house person is still toxic & scared of surrendering to real love. They tend to self sabotage heavily as well.

Die 4 U- The weeknd

"I'm findin' ways to articulate the feeling I'm goin' through I just can't say I don't love you 'Cause I love you, yeah It's hard for me to communicate the thoughts that I hold But tonight I'm gon' let you know Let me tell the truth"

~The represents the confusion the house person goes thru. They are usually so used to being so closed off to the point where they find it jarring when they start to find themselves feeling these deep & true feelings for the planet person. They also find it hard to express these feelings to the planet person. They are terrified of rejection & getting taken advantage of so even when they feel these feelings & have found a way to articulate them, they'd rather keep it to themselves (which is detrimental to the relationship). This song shows the pov of the house person realizing what they've been doing to sabotage this perfect relationship with the planet person & finally wanting to put all their feelings on display before it's too late & they lose them for good.

"I'm scared that I'll miss you, happens every time I don't want this feelin', I can't afford love I try to find a reason to pull us apart It ain't workin' 'cause you're perfect And I know that you're worth it I can't walk away, oh!"

~This shows how the house person fears vulnerability to the point where they are scared of of even missig the planet person. They are the same ppl who only want true love but at the same time due to what they've been thru they are completely terrified of it. They try to test the planets persons love with ridiculous tests which only tiers the planet. House may try to always look for holes & doubts in the relationship, but they are the ones creating these holes. House starts looking for red flags that aren't even there. & in the end the house person tries to do everything they can to fix the parts of the relationship they can before it's too late

"Even though we're going through it And it makes you feel alone Just know that I would die for you Baby, I would die for you, yeah The distance and the time between us It'll never change my mind, 'cause baby I would die for you"

~When they are having difficulties in the relationship caused by the house person the planet person can indeed feel alone but chooses not to speak about it. Either way it goes, houses feelings are so strong & so pure for the planet that they would kill, steal & lie for them with no hesitation. Most times, they wont even disclose those feelings with the planet person. One day if the time comes the planet sees thru actions how much house truly cares & feels. No matter the circumstances good or bad, the houses feelings rarely change.

"'Cause I can't take this pain forever And you won't find no one that's better 'Cause I'm right for you, babe"

~At the end of the day, the house person thinks (& is most times correct) that no one will love the planet person the way that they do & no one is a better match for them. Most times they just have a bad way of showing it or they choose not to show it at all. They just have to remember that not everyone is their enemy.

~Stay tuned for more stuff like this in my upcoming ebook about the complete ins & outs of synastry! There will be an entire chapter dedicated to dissecting songs from different perspectives of this synastry. Love yall!!!!!!!!

[transboysokka]

tell me about autistic Zuko (modern au or canon. Like how he grew up, why it’s justified in canon, how people around him react to it/are they assholes or not) bc I’ve been thinking about him but I can’t seem to articulate all my feelings into words and you’re good at that <3

hahahaha gladly here is a smattering of Facts and Evidence, in no particular order

Fact #1: His special interest is the Avatar. That boy’s done so much research!! (I’m joking with this one and yet… 👀)

Evidence #1: His father was embarrassed of him when he was a kid. This could have been for a variety of reasons including that he’s gay but also if you are trying to raise an heir of a powerful nation, you would see a lot of autism symptoms as a weakness, especially things like awkwardness, difficulty making eye contact, etc

Evidence #2: He doesn’t seem to have a lot of friends growing up which can also be explained in different ways but a kid just following around his sister and her friends all day? sus

Evidence #3: The way he rehearses what he’s going to say to Aang at the Western Air Temple… and the awkwardness of it makes it So Much More… it’s the most really, THE autistic of scenarios. We GOTTA practice big conversations like that before they happen, we just do…

Evidence #4: He borrows from other scripts for social interaction. You know when he’s trying fo get along with everyone at the air temple and he makes tea for them and try to tell a joke? Why does he do that? Because he’s mimicking Iroh, who is probably the most outgoing person in his life, and following exactly what Iroh does to be friendly and ingratiate himself with others…

Evidence #5: Missing social cues. I can’t think of any examples off the top of my head but I think we’ve all seen it. Also “That’s rough, buddy” is something he TOTALLY stole from someone else because he had no idea what he actually was supposed to say in that situation

Fact #2: now HERE’s a guy who feels deeply but is SO bad at expressing or controlling his feelings. Remember when he was worried about the comet and instead of talking about it just ATTACKED HIS FRIENDS?? oof yeah

Important Headcanon #1: Zuko is really sensitive to texture and has ARFID, which does have a high overlap with autistic folks. This “pickiness” causes real problems for him, especially when he’s v busy being the Fire Lord…. He tends to eat the same foods a lot to sustain himself (fire flakes) and makes the same exact tea for himself every single day. He DOES like to bake and cook though, and is quite good at it, even if he won’t eat it all

Headcanon #2: Our boy’s special interests are history, dao swords, and baking

Headcanon #3: Not a fan of eye contact

Theory #1: Our boy Sokka def has that ADHD and I just don’t think it’s that common or easy for ND folks to be in a relationship with NT folks (I have no proof of this but just think about it for a sec) so therefore Zuko must be neurodivergent

This is a big ol’ mess but for a MUCH more comprehensive and comprehensible Auristic Zuko explanation, please refer to this masterpiece of a post which I just found after spending a bunch of time answering this ask lolol

[omegalomania]

fall out boy live performances i think about Often

the reunion show medley. how many goats do i have to sacrifice for you guys to do this one again.

disloyal order of water buffaloes, specifically the version that opens with the piano and the rest of the band comes crashing in at the second verse. my GOD man what do i have to do to make you do this version again

death valley live. thats all.

the time they did their stayin out all night remix live with wiz khalifa

the thriller aol sessions version is so good that i thought it was the studio version with mild reinstrumentation at first lol

the medley they did in 2015 where they mashed up all their hits and even managed to sneak in the uma thurman riffs at the end

can i link the entirety of the knights of columbus set? i'm gonna do that. go watch it. it's glorious.

i feel like not enough people talked about how good church sounded live. i actually kinda like it a little better than the studio version. patrick drops down an octave for some bits of the final chorus and i always love hearing his chest voice.

obviously i have to link one of the few times they've played headfirst slide into cooperstown on a bad bet live. they did (coffee's for closers) at this show too and i think about it always.

they didnt do where did the party go live that often because it is MERCILESSLY heard to sing live but my GOD. when they did it. my god.

that one performance of the kids aren't alright where pete screams alongside patrick for the entire last part of the chorus ruined me in ways i have difficulty articulating.

the way way early version of sugar we're goin down they played live in 2004 before they changed all the verses

anytime they'd do just one yesterday live and patrick would do the bridge and kill it every time

the acoustic version of sophomore slump or comeback of the year they did for a private show in 2007. (they did this acoustic again in 2013 and i love that version too)

that one time they segued seamlessly from the chorus of alone together to my songs know what you did in the dark

MISS MISSING YOU LIVE YOU ARE EVERYTHING TO ME

any of those rare rare times they would do yule shoot your eye out live

when they did patron saints of liars and fakes at one of the reunion shows. don't touch me.

the acoustic session of tttyg songs (grenade jumper, chicago is so two years ago, saturday) they did that's on the my heart will always be the b side to my tongue dvd. they are so so so SO small!!!!!

save rock and roll live is like. so important to me personally it never fails to bring me to my knees. but specifically the time they did it for the mda telethon in 2014. joes backing vocals come through sO clearly and its SOOOOO AAAAAA

also the time they did save rock and roll live for vevo. BIG ouchie.

okay also the time they dedicated save rock and roll to bowie after he passed because pete gets VERY VISIBLY EMOTIONAL OVER THIS and i can't handle it.

we don't take hits we write them literally Only exists in live format so i have to give a special mention to that. what i would give for a studio version though...

it's hard for me to pick a favorite moment of the time they played wrigley field during mania tour. i was lucky enough to catch a livestream of most of the show and it was frankly magic. someathing has to be said for the energy in the way the show began...and for the way it ended.

im incapable of not bringing up the immortals acoustic version they did during boys of zummer. i cant NOT. joe and patrick sound sO GOOD TOGETHER VOCALLY, OKAY

i'm like a lawyer with the way i'm always trying to get you off, acoustic sessions.....im okay.

remember when they opened some of the monumentour shows with THIS IS THE TAKE OVER, THE MOTHERFUCKING BREAK'S OVER cause. i do.

if youve never seen the stripped-down piano version of young and menace and only heard the studio instrumental i beseech you to watch the live version. i will never forget hearing this live. the whole stadium got so, so quiet in what i could only describe as reverence.

you know that one text post that talks about patrick getting all emotional during a performance of what a catch, donnie and then just sniffs a little and says "i'm a loss for words...which is a good thing i have a microphone, right? so i can keep talking." well this is that exact performance.

[kafus]

SO... do you headcannon anyone in horizons as autistic?

OH BOY DO I

so dot is the most obvious choice. there is no universe in which she is not autistic to me. this is one of my strongest dot headcanons actually and one of the main reasons i enjoy her as a character. there are so many reasons for this i could go on endlessly but i'll just list a few big ones here

her extreme passion for her interests at a disregard for almost everything else & her ability to self teach those topics (not to mention her interests have to do with computing)

her difficulties with food overlap a lot with food sensitivities autistic people often have, also her latching onto donuts as a sort of samefood after finally trying them once

the tendency to wear loose, comfortable clothes and more recently she has complained while wearing tighter clothes (the orange academy school uniform) so it's not just that she prefers loose fabric, she also is put off by the alternative. girl your sensory problems

irritable outbursts when struggling to articulate herself/make herself understood

her connection with kanuchan (tinkatink) felt really neurodivergent to me. she wasn't offput by her behavior, even after stealing her prop mic, and was immediately able to understand her when no one else could or was willing to. not sure how to articulate this one right now but i hope you see what i mean

her tendency to sit cross legged and lean over herself reminds me a lot of my personal autistic tendency to need a pressure/weighted feeling while i sit or have body parts touching

social exhaustion, the need to be alone sometimes even when she cares

the list genuinely goes on i have to stop myself LOL

as for other characters,

so for liko i'm more loose about the headcanon, it's definitely more of me projecting than her being overtly autistic in canon but i still think it lines up if u wanna view her that way. i'm autistic and i personally relate to liko a lot becauseee

she is giving hyperempathy autism to me. the way she is overly empathetic and compassionate to her own detriment and yet still has to have her hand held through articulating & dealing with that or putting the logical parts of empathy together

the way she absolutely fucking Explodes with excitement sometimes

the way in which she relates to cats, and her whole thing about having a hard time getting other people to understand her. these two things go hand in hand

there's something neurodivergent about her trying to connect with sprigatito by studying her and writing notes about her behavior lol

while this is kind of just on the account of her being an anime character and a protagonist at that, liko's facial expressions and body language can be pretty exaggerated sometimes which reminds me of my own body language, i'm cartoonishly animated in real life often LOL

so like basically dot is so obviously autistic to me it's like breathing but for liko it's kind of a hc i apply to her for projection purposes & fun but i think it's reasonable

and lastly so i'm not just talking about solely liko and dot for the millionth time,

ORIO!! honestly we don't even know that much about orio but the one episode where she was helping pokeball lady i forget the name of fix her machine. the really narrow attention to detail/seeing the smaller parts instead of the bigger picture. also her expertise in engineering contrasted with her struggling with tasks outside of that (like when she was trying to sew holes in the brave asagi and for the life of her could not do it so she called murdock for help lol)

and actually one more - while i don't necessarily headcanon amethio as autistic, i think it's a fun headcanon/au idea to not only give him a redemption arc but an autism unmasking arc at the same time. representation for all my repressed autistics out there. in my mind

thanks for asking i'm so autistic about horizons so of course i headcanon them with autism too JOISJOIFD

[argumentalist]

I was absolutely hooked the very first time I saw this version of the FA-78 Full Armor Gundam from Mobile Suit Gundam Thunderbolt. It's so ridiculously over-the-top.

Thankfully, both the manga and the ONA are pretty good. It'd be a shame for something this amazing to be stuck in a terrible story.

I'm just building the high grade kit this week.

I don't have a lot of master grade kits under my belt yet and the FA-78 Ver.Ka looks intimidating as all hell. Maybe that's something to work up to one day...

Even though it's just a high grade - there's a lot of plastic in this box. 9 normal runners plus a bunch of polycaps and a couple beam-saber blades. And, oddly enough, no multicolor runner. Each runner is just a single color.

There's a bunch of color-correcting foil stickers, as well as some sticker-style decals.

I decided to use the foil stickers because I didn't want to try to paint all these tiny little details... But I'm not convinced they're actually adding much to the kit. I mean - those big thrusters on the front of the knee obviously look better in color. But the little tiny things on the side? I think those looked just fine without the stickers.

The artwork for the FA-78 shows its joints covered in some kind of protective shroud to keep dust and debris out. The HG kit replicates this with weird, wrinkly-looking molded plastic bits. They look OK, but it's a real pain to panel-line them. I gave up on actually trying to hit the lines and just kind of slopped panel-liner all over the parts and then cleaned it up.

The build is about what I'd expect from an older HG kit. There's lots of polycaps and the armor sections are basically hollow. And it's just purely the "full armor" version of the FA-78. There aren't really any bits you can remove to make it look like a standard/basic RX-78.

Of course it wouldn't be Thunderbolt without a ridiculously-huge backpack and entirely too many shields.

Clearly, there's a lot to this kit. I think about half the build was spent on the accessories.

This kit just looks good. Even without all the accessories. It's a very solid build. Everything feels very tight and stable. I had absolutely no trouble posing it at all.

This kit comes with a weird little stand... And while that's not strictly necessary (the kit can stand up without it, even with the backpack), I can't really see posing this kit without a stand. It's meant to be zooming around in space - not stuck on the ground.

I wish those little sub-arms on the backpack were actually articulated. I had some difficulty getting it posed with the two shields. But I guess that's what you get when trying to cram all of this into an HG kit.

So, clearly, I'm going to have to build the Ver.Ka.

This is such an amazing design... And this little kit is absolutely fantastic, even without the sticker-style decals... I just have to see what the Ver.Ka is like.

[orthodoxadventure]

do you know of prayers to decrease suicide ideation? And can you please pray my stomach churns i am in so much distress. (I love your blog, god bless you) <33333

May God bless you and comfort you, and thank you for the kind words! I will definitely keep you in my prayers.

One thing I would recommend is reading the Psalms, and finding one that really resonates with you and including that into your prayer routine. Or if you don't have a prayer routine already, then praying this Psalm morning and night (and whenever else you need it through the day). It doesn't explicitly have to be about depression, a lot of the Psalms talk about placing their hope in the Lord even through the distress and suffering they're experiencing - and something like this might really resonate with you and comfort you.

You can find a collection of four prayers that are related to depression, anxiety, and suffering here, which should be of some help to you: https://www.sthermansoca.org/resources/prayers-against-fear/

Then there is also:

Prayer against Depression: Prayer to the Mother of God

Prayer to the Theotokos for Healing

Prayer to the Mother of God in a Time of Distress

Akathist to St. Xenia of St. Petersburg

Prayer of Someone in Trouble

Prayer of Saint John Chrysostom

Prayer to St. John of Shanghai and San Francisco

Healing Prayer of Saint Ambrose of Milan

Guardian Angel Prayers for Protection

Prayer of St. Dimitri of Rostov

Prayer for the Self

Prayers don't have to explicitly be about depression or liberation from despair in order to be helpful. Find prayers that really resonate with you, and ones that you are willing and able to pray. Try to read even one Psalm a day as well as a prayer that you find helpful.

Speak often to God about your difficulties and struggles also. Sometimes the best prayers are the ones that we come up with, because they most accurately reflect our situation, our wants, our needs, and so on. We don't need to know the perfect things to say. But the act of praying about our issues, of articulating them and putting them into words and placing them before God can be of immense help and comfort to us. And the act of articulating problems out loud can go a long way to untangling them in our head which can help us feel even a little less overwhelmed.

God bless you!

[lynpheas]

please tell me about the winx and specialists dynamics 🙏 (also do you have any thoughts on the platonic pairings like bloom/timmy or tecna/riven!!)

AAAA ty for letting me ramble omg. this isn't meta so i'm not sure if there is much of a basis for these in canon (i'm planning on doing a big winx rewatch + comics reading um. sometime when i have the time lol) so this is more abt how i characterize them in fic in a way that is hopefully both true(ish) to canon while also expanding on those traits. (and ignoring the canon characterizations i don't like, like too much emphasis on jealousy bc that's bo-ring 😊)

i'm going to put this all under the cut because i started rambling a Lot, just a fair warning LOL

also. YES i do have MANY thoughts about other winx/specialist dynamics because i am a slut for platonic relationships but i CANNOT make this post any longer than it already is. so. if you're still interested just send me an ask or something afadlsfj;kasf

okay, buckle up. starting with the canon couples:

musa/riven:

okay so they have one of my fave dynamics just because i think the back and forth + all the tension is so interesting dsfjakl.

i think that a lot of the initial conflict in their relationship starts from musa not really knowing exactly what she wants and only really knowing how to react to something that, like, rubs her the wrong way? and it's harder for her to express affirmation/affection when she's happy with something riven's done bc her instinct would be to act sort of cool about it.

on riven's part, i like to think that initially he isn't super emotionally available for whatever reason -- ig in canonverse it'd be him coming down from dating darcy & her manipulating him -- but musa (in her giggly crush phase) piques his interest anyway and they tentatively get together.

i figure at some point in their relationship, riven realizes oh, i'm actually really into this girl she has a lot of qualities i respect and admire and he consequently gets a lot more open and sincere, although still awkward about his affection. like, he just tries harder. musa gets flustered by this kind of attention but she'll kind of play it off.

still, riven will sometimes make thoughtless mistakes/fuck-ups that really piss musa off and she has, like, zero idea how to communicate the what and the why. like she just knows she's upset and she will make sure riven knows she's upset, but she has difficulty explaining herself. & with riven's quick temper, he lashes out when he doesn't understand why musa's acting a certain way toward him / the act of having to communicate makes his hackles rise automatically.

i think most of musa's difficulty communicating and playing at coolness comes from her not really knowing how to act within a romantic relationship and like. not knowing what level of sharing burdens and insecurities is appropriate.

i view riven as more action-oriented when it comes to showing how he feels & musa more easily expresses herself through music and isn't as good as being outward with her affection. so when they're trying to figure out how to articulate how they feel + how they feel toward each other, there's a lot of bumps in the road. but they get there!

they both have moments where they unintentionally close themselves off from each other bc they're not super used to being vulnerable/intimate with another person & in the early stages, a lot of their communication is kinda just. frustratingly beating around the bush and getting increasingly upset that they keep misunderstanding each other. i think this is the stage of their relationship where they experience the most jealousy/insecurity.

once they're in the mature/stable part of their relationship though, i feel like they'll have learned how to be direct. & they're both more blunt people who are used to having to soften themselves in their other relationships/friendships, but they realize that they can be super straightforward w/ each other about how they feel and sidestep the social niceties.

and i think the majority of their relationship would be characterized by snarky banter that's a little mean, but eventually they learn how not to cross any lines & sprinkle in some more sincerity amongst the quips.

stella/brandon

i feel like stella and brandon perfectly complement each other in that they have a lot of traits in common to truly understand each other with enough differences to balance each other out.

they're both flirty, cheerful, loyal (to each other and to their friends), and enthusiastically supportive. stella's more prone to foot-in-her-mouth syndrome though while brandon is more.. reserved? in a way? they're equally extroverted and friendly, but stella's more in-your-face about it almost to the point of crossing boundaries (depending on the person, like when she first meets helia) while brandon kinda gauges where people are at and acts as friendly as he figures they'll be comfortable with.

i think the majority of their dynamic is characterized by stella's outgoing and dramatic personality versus brandon's more laidback and observant demeanor. like stella is quick to jump to conclusions and dramatically overthink & brandon will validate her emotions but also keep her grounded.

affection comes suuuper easy to them in like the "you're my pookie wookie boo bear" kind of way like stella would definitely ask brandon if he would still love her if she was a worm. and brandon would be like "not only would i still love you if you were a worm, i'd start a garden for you to give you a happy home" and stella would be like "AWWWW SCHNOOKUMS. u suck at keeping plants alive."

brandon would take initiative to surprise stella with sweeping romantic gestures that stella goes gaga over. stella almost never stops singing brandon's praises (like over his looks and his abilities) and tries to spoil/provide for him (bc she's a princess and has the money for it and brandon's a squire. lol)

when they have conflict & stella's more mad abt it, brandon will kind of defer to her and try to act how he thinks she would want him to act (giving her space, but still trying to explain himself and apologize when he feels he has an opening). this rarely happens, but if brandon is angry with stella, the dynamic is usually something like. stella is beating herself up and trying really really hard to explain herself, but brandon kinda needs a minute to sit on it so he'll take some space. which makes stella fairly anxious. but he'll always come back to her as soon as he's ready to hear her out & take things in when he has more patience and has more clarity.

i think some initial problems they would have are like. brandon can internalize his feelings and not be as forthcoming about how he feels (and also just outright lie like with the sky/brandon switch but let's just ignore that lol). and stella might initially get anxious and worry if he likes her as much as she likes him. but stella helps him be more easily affectionate and honest (not just toward her but toward everyone) and brandon soothes her insecurities/anxieties & lets her bejeweled encourages her to be her best self.

overall brandon's just happy to be a little planet orbiting stella's shining sun, but she'll never let him forget how important he is for the galaxy/ecosystem lol.

flora/helia

okay so for my fave couples (florelia & aibu) i'm like weirdly intimidated to come up with definitive characterization for them bc i guess i'm afraid of being wrong??? so just a disclaimer LMAO

on the whole, i view flora as someone who is fairly extroverted, socially confident, and friendly -- but she's absolutely overwhelmed by any kind of romantic interaction. like she's only ever able to pine from a distance because actually being in the thick of it is just. So Much. & contrastingly, i see helia as someone who is perfectly capable of polite/friendly interactions with strangers, but he simply does not gaf and will only pour his energy into interactions with people he really cares about/respects. so basically, romance never really interested him Until It Did and suddenly the love poems -- that he would usually skip over in favor of like. poetry about nature and the human (alien?) condition -- have become super pertinent to him and his life.

just like in canon, i think their dynamic necessitates a big dramatic love confession <3 intense pining that builds and builds and builds until it has to spill over and be made known to the world.

i think for like initial issues in their relationship, flora is just so flustered by the prospect of Romance Happening To Her that she kind of acts like. not super present? because it doesn't feel real? so she still daydreams and acts as if he's out of reach and helia's kinda takes that as her being distant? like losing interest after the relationship happens. which is obviously the exact opposite of the case. so flora eventually learns how to be comfortable in a relationship and comfortable expressing all the mushy-gushy thoughts in her brain to her partner.

i don't view helia as much of an initiator tbh. i think he's fairly passive but not out of anxiety or anything. it's the idgaf quality in him, like if you don't give him a reason to care then he's not going to. and bc of that attitude that he applies generally in life, he's kind of made a habit of waiting for an inciting incident to push him into being more active. now flora is the exact opposite. she's an active friend who will meddle because she cares, and she cares a lot about a wide breadth of things. so i think that while helia is the expert at florid poetry and love letters and paintings and conventionally romantic gestures, flora's the one who sets the stage for open lines of communication and honesty. & she's the one who will ask for things that she wants out of helia/their relationship and is always checking in on him to make sure his emotional needs are being met

i feel like flora inspires helia to GAF care more/open his heart more. and helia is kind of flora's stability and shoulder to lean on to remind her that she doesn't need to stretch herself so thin when it comes to the effort she puts into caring for others. that said, helia's vastly more impulsive in high-stress situations than flora is, so flora's the one who goes. let's stop, think, and strategize. and helia will agree for two minutes before he gets impatient and starts acting on impulse. flora's like "well. i anticipated this" & takes off after him.

in terms of communication, i feel like they're both pretty high in emotional intelligence so they're fairly easily able to pinpoint why/how they're feeling certain ways and are really good at articulating those emotions to one another.

bc i love interesting tensions: i headcanon flora as more flexible in her understandings of good-vs-evil while helia is more rigid and has more black and white thinking. so i think they don't normally argue because miscommunications are minimal, BUT if they do argue it's because of clashing values. i think that flora eventually gets helia to be more openminded on this specific issue but it takes some time & wading thru conflicts. their argument style is just like -- full of passion, but not in a yelling kind of way. more like, frustrated silences and crying and silent treatment (while still maintaining physical closeness). helia shuts down in arguments while flora tries to talk through it until she's in tears.

ermm basically they're just obsessed with each other and will write icky gushy poetry about how beautiful the other person is both inside and out. they'll use a lot of dramatic metaphors that give off the energy of "i don't know how i'd live without you" and yadda yadda. i think helia is also prone to getting teased by flora bc he tends more toward seriousness and flora's more playful and it makes helia all flustered

aisha/nabu

okay tbh i don't have a very strong nabu characterization just yet so this is in development...

aisha is just a very independent person, always trying to prove herself and show that she can stand on her own two feet. she's a princess but she's sole heir and crown princess to andros and until she went to alfea, she essentially grew up in isolation in a highly politicized environment. she's simultaneously used to having a lot of pressure/responsibility on her shoulders as a leader and also having things be decided for her because of tradition, decorum, etc. she's slow to warm, but once she's in she's all in.

nabu is just. offbeat and quirky honestly. he does things that you don't necessarily expect or view as obvious solutions. he's very patient and good-humored, almost to a fault, because he sometimes really just doesn't know or understand why people might react so strongly/negatively to things he takes in stride. he's also a very independent person, does things to the beat of his own drum, but he's very very open and doesn't hold reservations about things or people for very long. (this is the characterization i'm using for justification as to why he thought a good response to getting put into an arranged marriage with a stranger is to. suspiciously follow around his fiancé with the intention of getting to know her/help her and without realizing how he's being lowkey creepy.)

anyways i think that being in a relationship with nabu gives aisha the space to just. relax. she tries so hard to be strong (and she is!) but she's also constantly trying to position herself as reliable and independent. the friend you can always go to for help but who doesn't ever need yours because she just has it all together. (obviously her friends know better but this is the image she tries to project) and nabu is just a safe person for her. so she allows herself to be more vulnerable around him, more reliant on him, just sillier and sweeter than she normally allows herself to be. she shows her weaknesses more readily and admits to when she doesn't know what to do or how to do something -- because nabu is always very nonjudgmental and kind.

i think that initial conflicts they have is that aisha feels like nabu's sweetness just. comes with strings attached? i hc that andros is one of the few patriarchal realms in the magic dimension so aisha just doesn't super trust men, or at the very least she hates how men on andros have often undermined her and questioned her authority. and for a while it takes nabu a hot minute to understand. why. aisha would think that he has ulterior motives. because having an ulterior motive, or at least a malicious one, isn't something that ever crosses his mind. (tangent but -- he's a little naive in that he generally assumes everyone he meets has the best intentions until they prove to him otherwise, in which case it's hard to win back his trust.) so even after their feelings for each other are known, aisha kinda closes herself off to him/subconsciously rejects him until she realizes how genuine he is, after which she just fully trusts him and feels safe neough to rely on him.

arguments are far and few between after the initial roughness of their relationship and i feel like if they do have some kind of conflict, it's either petty and negligible or it's a short and sweet conversation and then they move on. they're really good at direct communication because it's just an extension of the way they already express affection toward one another.

the way they express affection isn't as cheesy as like brella or florelia, they're just very candid with each other all the time about how much they love another and how much they mean to each other.

i think nabu learns from aisha about more realities of the world because i do assume he's fairly privileged/spoiled with his position on andros (like... a nobleman or something) so he becomes a better judge of character after her & has more sympathy for others and their thought processes even when their line of thinking is baffling to him. and i think aisha learns to trust or to have more faith in others on a baseline level from him.

tecna/timmy

i really enjoy tecmy's canon progression so this won't deviate too much from what i feel they're already established to be... (ignoring s5 and after)

so obv tecna starts off not being super in touch with her emotions. she doesn't really know how to talk to timmy (and vice-versa) and also at times she resents him for not being as traditionally brave as other specialists and eggs him on in that respect, which kind of prods at timmy's insecurities. tecna eventually does realize timmy has always been brave but this friction does also push timmy out of his comfort zone into acting more heroically.

eventually, they realize even though their relationship is not conventional, the fact that they can communicate through nerd-speak is fulfilling for both of them and it conveys their care and affection for one another more than adequately

i think that timmy has always thought the world of tecna but that just speaks to how he always tends to view things/people in good faith and with lots of optimism. hence why he never lost hope that tecna was still out there after she sacrificed herself to the omega dimension, but everyone else literally believed she was dead.

they really just understand each other on levels that no one else really does while also balancing each other out. tecna tends toward negative assumptions and cynicism while timmy tends toward hope and keeping an open mind. tecna lowkey externalizes her anxieties/insecurities by lashing out (and kind of justifying it through her logic schtick) while timmy internalizes his insecurities and lets them weigh on him more in silence.

timmy's got JOKES! and tecna isn't so good at being humorous but she thinks timmy is hilarious and they have a way of communicating both positively and negatively that is very unique to them and hard for outsiders to really comprehend

i think the way that they overcome the initial issues in their relationship is just. tecna shedding her preconceptions and really seeing timmy for who he really is and just appreciating his present qualities. and while i don't really think that timmy puts tecna on a pedestal per se, i do think he learns to stop giving her more credit than she's due and stop undermining himself and feeding into his lower self-esteem. once they really just accept themselves and each other for who they are, they're able to just co-exist very harmoniously. and they figure out how to validate and support one another!

bloom/sky

okay tbh i barely have any thoughts on skoom just because. they're my least favorite winx and specialist respectively DFLJS

i play around with their dynamic depending on my mood (so sometimes i'm like Sky Bad but other times i'm like Skoom Happy) but i guess my most consistent Thing is that i firmly believe sky has been like. raised to fulfill the Prince Charming(tm) archetype. it's a little bit of a case of chicken or the egg/nature vs nurture (is sky just Like This or is he trying to fulfill expectations of what he should be and that's just who he ended up becoming?) but in my mind sky is just Prince Charming But With Flaws.

i think sky has had a lot of pressure to be a perfect young prince all his life and so he's very used to calling the shots but also not needing to think about more mundane, lower-order concerns a lot of the time. (he doesn't figure out how to dress himself until at least a year into his relationship with bloom.) i also think he's somewhat resentful of his position in life and other people of similar stations (so people like diaspro) bc he subconsciously kind of views himself as better than/more noble than the people around him. so he finds bloom to be refreshing because she's very candid and authentic and doesn't have that etiquette training beat into her head like most of the girls he knows.

bloom is just someone who has a lot of wonder for this new magical world she's been introduced to and sky's an extension of that as her prince charming come to life. as bloom comes to understand the magical dimension for all of its dangers and its dark underbelly, bloom also uncovers sky's hypocrisies and mild elitism and avoidant tendencies and other flaws. but just as bloom wholeheartedly embraces being a fairy, she embraces sky for who he is and they ultimately help each other grow and change.

i think bloom and sky both have a strong sense of duty toward the people in their lives, bloom toward the people she loves and sky toward the his family and the kingdom he inherited. this is something that both unites them but also means their interests clash at times.

their arguments would be like. interrupting each other and assuming they already know what the other person is going to say. getting frustrated at that and dealing with the fallout. then realizing that they didn't have as clear of a picture as they thought they did, and ultimately talking through it and working things out.

mmm bloom helps sky down from his high horse and makes him into a more sympathetic and humble leader while sky supports bloom in realizing her full potential as fairy of the dragon flame and princess of domino.

aaaaand that's all the rambling i can handle for now. but i can always talk more more more!!!!! i love all of these characters and their dynamics so much. (and my shipping is hardly limited to the canon relationships ;) )

[celestialrealms]

Sorry could you explain your Barbatos post a bit better? It's confusing but i really like your takes so id like to understand it

I wasn't sure how to answer this, but I can see I've been misunderstood a bit multiple times, and I think it's because I was trying to say a few things at once (especially if we factor in my tags) and didn't articulate it well enough using the meme. (post in question)

Sorry in advance for kind of using this as an excuse to complain even more anon 😭

What I meant when I said this:

...Was that this is how Barbatos has treated MC for years in cards, events, etc. And IMO, it's not really headcanon or anything. This is more or less just me paraphrasing the basic through line of his relationship with MC and enough actual quotes that I am much too lazy to go chase screen caps of them.

So basically I was complaining about the parts of the fandom that's understanding of how Barbatos sees MC is still limited to the minuscule amount of content he receives in the main story, in which he "turns MC down" and how they take it at face value and sometimes even imply he doesn't have romantic feelings for MC/doesn't even like them period.

....when that is obviously untrue considering a major part of his character is that he hides his feelings and has difficulty letting people in, and that everywhere besides the main story he's just as romantically interested in MC as everyone else. 🤷‍♂️

And what might have confused it more is that I was also complaining in the tags that his supposed "slow burn" is still going after over four seasons of him being dateable because the devs just do not want to give him storylines or screen time to develop it.

So we just have a situation where he and MC have been acting like a married couple in cards (that we have to gamble/pay for in the gacha ofc) for literally years and years but in the games' actual storyline, their relationship is just taking a comically ridiculous amount of time to develop because Barbatos is only allowed a tiny handful of interactions with MC every season. 💀

[feverinfeveroutfic]

now—just a disclaimer—I completely understand that I’m going into very treacherous territory here with this, especially when I don’t personally know Alex (so save your fucking comments). This is totally a leap of faith and returning to the theory I had back in 2022 (but I was too afraid to articulate it because it’s… well, it’s serious). I’ve matured a lot since then, and I’m also just watching how things are playing out between him and her and now obviously Testament.

but I found this website back then, and it admittedly was the thing that got me to thinking “something is off here with Alex, like… something shifted.” And I would think about it a lot as his mom got sick and then his dad died, and just watching his face and his behavior and how it has all shifted in the last two years.

so, let me just show you all

the signs.

when you read about guilt tripping, it’s all about just that, making someone feel bad. I will never understand why but it’s so common with charity work, especially if it involves animals (look no further than those godforsaken aspca commercials that are like 5 minutes long; i literally can’t watch those because a.) I want to save them all; and b.) it’s textbook guilt tripping).

and frankly, she fits the profile for someone who guilt trips on a regular basis (not very social = has difficulty communicating and setting boundaries; patronizing and tone-deaf = regularly gets under people’s skin by saying bullshit like “oh, I’ve worked so tirelessly!!”) in my time in engineering school/the world of STEM, this is really common, especially with women. Trying to be like “one of the boys” while being obsessed with femininity and maturity and appearances, and not really having a full understanding the outside world. I had the misfortune of knowing women like that, and I was like oil and water with them because they would do things like try and be eccentric (when it just comes naturally to me).

But then, this comes into play:

I have watched that man’s behavior change and morph so much in the last two years, from friendly and close to everyone, to… oddly aloof, except on his livestreams. I’ve also seen his behavior change to aloof and even cold on Facebook and Threads. I don’t have twitter anymore so I can’t say—but the fact that he’s still on twitter after everything that’s happened over there the last two years is oddly telling to me. Letting go of something that you’ve had for years and years and has been a significant feature of your life is painful, but you have to let go at some point.

I’ve found that this is a symptom of someone who is being abused (it doesn’t mean that everyone who struggles with letting go is being abused in some way, though. Food for thought).

but. There is this:

the man is a deer in the headlights every time her name comes up (I remember this well the first time I saw her on his livestream)

is all over her profile (and not in the gushy, boy crazy manner that I do with him, or like I used to do with Ben shepherd). This would explain why he lets her get away with bullshit that he would reprimand other people over (obviously not quarantining, wearing inappropriate clothes for certain situations, wearing clothes that—sorry—she’s got absolutely no business wearing like a miniskirt)

i’ll never forget the one time he posted something and he literally called himself “insufferable” (seriously, it is tattooed on my brain). There’s healthy self-deprecation and then there’s that.

people who are decreed as “shy” or “introverted” tend to be icebergs, speaking as a former shy person myself. I have vivid memories of people freaking out over me having a short fuse when I had been calm and collected the whole time. I know she’s hiding something… and he’s afraid to say what it is for fear of beholding the truth about her.

he has no children and there’s too much opacity, so it’s hard to confirm 3, 7, and 9.

but what do you want to bet that if he was split up with her and cut off all ties with her right now, he’d be guilt tripped for it? “What’s the matter, you don’t want to help animals, asshole?” Like that.

see the point about calling himself “insufferable”. I’m getting all the flashbacks to my sever lack of self-esteem. I wasn’t unfamiliar with words like that applied to myself. Behind that cool demeanor is a man crying.

see the last point above. You know he won’t hear the end of it.

A nerdy man with a sweet, almost seductive smile who now constantly looks tired and frightened. Could just be age settling in but it just seems weird to me because he always looked full of energy and life in 2022.

he does strike me as someone who’s depressed, speaking as someone who’s dealt with depression, and watched her father and stepfather both struggle with it, especially as he gets older and especially as of late. “I’m going to be how old?!” Yeah, he was joking around when he said that but I just think of his tone back on his birthday. Every one coming quicker it feels like. It’s a tour birthday. I’m so tired. I heard this all the time before I turned 20, which was the thick of my depressive episode.

he did drink quite a bit last year. And he frowns at pastries and sweet things but is happy to drink beer…… I’m getting all the memories to my stepdad refusing something my mom made and calling things like cake fattening but was happy to guzzle booze until his liver gave up.

being unkempt… or (and I was thinking about this when I saw this), all of a sudden really cares about his appearance. Running 3-4 miles, which is absolutely lethal on your joints and bones, especially as you get older. Drinking that godawful green shit. Eating more vegan stuff. Being critical of baked goods and sweet stuff and having this attitude about it all that almost feels out of character for him: dude, you’re humble and the guy up the street, why do you think you’re better than people who like that stuff? It triggered me quite a bit, but I started thinking about it more and more.

and yeah, he just… doesn’t look well.

don’t think he’s being physically abused so I skipped that box.

but I did go to this.

all of a sudden, he’s mentioning her a lot. All of a sudden, she’s running Testament’s social media accounts and joining them on their tour. Being the one taking photos of them like the calculating neurotic little fuck she is (and Chuck doesn’t look too happy about it, Eric doesn’t want to be in the same room, and Alex once again is a deer in the headlights). Bringing alex into park slope cats and not giving him proper training to the point she’s breaking protocol.

though I’ve been offline from instagram not even a week, I haven’t seen him on facebook or on threads. I know he hasn’t blocked me because I can still see him.

***edit: just caught him on facebook seeing Iron Maiden. But again, it’s out of character because he’s usually kind of finessed about these things. This “guess where I am” thing gives me all kinds of questions, namely… where you going with this.

I have a very sinking feeling about this, too.

I never told anyone this, but after my first concerning posts, he actually messaged me on Instagram and told me not to worry about it, mainly because it was obviously upsetting me and there’s really nothing I can do about it because there’s thousands of miles between us (or it could be that he’s that far gone). That was really why I started writing seasons grey: I kept thinking about what I would do if I lived near him.

two years on, and things seem to have only gotten progressively worse on his end. And if he’s reading this… here you go, Alex.

Whether you want to admit it or not, maddy is going to have you killed. This seemingly perfect woman is going to have you killed in some way and it absolutely wrecks me that I can’t be Christine and pull you away from her, help you clear your head and help you heal.

god knows I tried.

What’s really heartbreaking about all of this (besides the fact that I can’t physically do anything and people generally think I’m crazy), is how little resources there are for men in these situations. There’s hordes of resources for us, but who’s looking out for our counterparts?

I want him to be strong. I’ve been relaying that onto myself (especially after this year).

and again, Alex, if you’re here right now, letting go of something that you’ve had for years and years and has been a significant feature of your life is painful. But you have to let go at some point. especially when your life is on the line.

[thatgirl4815]

Sorry to pester, but re. your point about Ray bringing up Sand's feelings for him only when he's drunk/high - I also wondered if part of that wasn't a simmering frustration at Sand's (understandable, don't get me wrong!) refusal to articulate those feelings to Ray despite Ray having tried to open up that channel of communication a couple of times. When he's sober he can only broach it in a light-hearted (ep 4) or studiously casual (ep 6) way, but when he's off his head it all comes tumbling out in the most toxic, muddled up way possible. I expected to end this ep pissed at Ray but honestly he was so pitiful I still just feel bad for him. Like that classic parental rejoinder - I'm not angry, just disappointed! (Though I think part of that is my disbelief at how callously Mew is using him - all my anger got immediately redirected when Mew couldn't kiss him in private but had no difficulty making out with him to piss off Top - initially I tried to give Mew the benefit of the doubt, thinking he'd at least TRY to feel something more for Ray/give the relationship a go but nah, he's giving literally nothing! Everything he's doing, from trying out Ray's life-endangering self-destructive behaviours for funsies to using Ray's feelings for him to get revenge on Top, when out of everyone he's the one who knows how close Ray's issues came to killing him... Is it any wonder Ray goes after Sand?? Even HE can't fail on some level to pick up on Mew's total disinterest!

Yeah, I’d imagine the majority of people were worried after Ep7 that Ray would be using both Mew and Sand this ep, “two-timing” just like Boston said. But the interesting subversion is that Mew is using Ray much more than Ray is using Mew. Mew even comments that Ray loves him unconditionally, which is the very thing that Mew is using against him; he knows he’s got Ray wrapped around his little finger, so he doesn’t have to worry about using his affection to get back at Top. It indicates just how pathetic Mew thinks Ray is that Ray doesn’t have enough self-respect to walk away from him despite what he’s doing. Mew doesn’t even TRY to be subtle, and idk whether to be aggravated or pleased at that from a viewing perspective.

About Ray and Sand’s admission of their feelings—I’ve said before that I think they have good communication when they’re speaking one-on-one, but the truth is that they are also very indirect when it comes to feelings. Sand told Ray that he would never take someone like him as his boyfriend in Ep3, yet we know he wants a relationship with Ray as early as Ep4, and definitely in Ep5. Sand tells Ray he cares about him in Ep6 and 7, but then he’s (as you indicated, understandably) cold towards him when he sees Ray with Mew, despite the fact that Ray and Sand have never explicitly indicated that they are anything but friends. In that sense, I think Ray is valid for his frustrations about his relationship with Sand; at the same time, I think Sand is valid for being upset about Ray’s relationship with Mew. That’s what’s making their plot so complex—neither one of them is invalid for their feelings imo.

So their romantic feelings are almost entirely based on wordless subtleties that no one seems too keen on vocalizing at the moment (but it looks like they will be addressing them more directly next episode). It makes them both frustrated, but once they address those feelings in words I think it’ll resolve a lot of the tension.

[encasedinobsidian]

Thoughts on writing - June 16 

I don’t expect anyone to read this, but I meant for this tumblr to be specifically for my writing after all, so I figure this is the place to put these thoughts, and anyone is welcome to read them if interested. I’m just reflecting on myself as a writer, how I relate to this hobby, and about feeling discouraged/lacking in meaning, and trying to figure out where to go with it when there are no clear paths ahead. 

I feel like I vent to my friends often but never really try to articulate my thoughts the way I do when I actually write, so maybe writing about writing will help me sort it out for myself. 

I never meant for writing to become much of anything at all. I started writing a fanfic, thought it was funny, and my intention was to post it and move on like I always move on from any other hobby, following the same pattern of interest → hyperfixation → creating something → getting bored → discovering something new. I had no experience with writing or fandom, and it was thanks to a tiktok on my FYP that I even discovered Pedro boy fanfic in the first place, though I found it insanely weird at first. My eventual amusement obviously turned into something much more significant, and I’ve found a lot of personal healing through writing, discovered different sides of myself, developed the ability to sustain the attention needed to read a full length book, etc. I guess the difficulty is knowing where to go with it. 

It’s funny - I frequently find myself thinking this sucks, why am I doing this, nothing interesting will come of this, my brain is empty, fuck this, about writing. And I say those things but then I write anyway. I say I’m done with it and thanks for the past 15 months, I’m out, and then a few hours later I’m on my doc coming up with something. I can’t really stop at this point, it’s like my internal monologue got a physical manifestation and now it’s something I just do. At any given time, I can open my docs and add something to some story, regardless of where I am. It’s like a reflex at this point, and I have no control over it. I put my hands on the keyboard and things just come out one way or another. 

I frequently feel like I’ve reached the end of my own ability, though, or the end of what I’m capable of creating. I was never an avid reader, so there’s a foundational understanding of storytelling that I largely feel like I don’t have. I’ve read more in 2024 than I have in my whole life, actually finishing books instead of reading the first quarter over and over, so I essentially feel a bit dumb or lacking in knowledge about what makes a story interesting. I really, truly have no idea what I’m doing, I don’t know any conventions I’m supposed to follow. I pretty much know the concept of “showing not telling” and that’s it. I also know the typical series buildup of the angst peaking, conflict, resolution, which I'm now trying not to do so I don't repeat myself too much across series. I’ve also read a lot of things (both books and fics) that I very much enjoy but that don’t match my inner voice at all really, and ended up feeling less than as a writer because certain styles of writing don’t come naturally to me. Reading American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis was the first time I read something and thought, wow, this actually reads very naturally to me, especially after a year of feeling like my inner voice is wrong or oversimplified or dumbed down. 

And even though we all write for ourselves, we are all affected by our audience. I’ve been sort of brutal in unintentionally cutting down my own audience by moving platforms and no longer writing the things that gained me my following in the first place, and I guess I’ve done it as part of my constant, neverending, extreme need for authenticity of some sort, and a hatred for being boxed in or expected to do things I don’t want to do. Truthfully, I don’t know what my audience wants from me, and even if I knew, I probably wouldn’t be able to cater to it. If I put out a poll and asked what people wanted to see from me, the overwhelming majority would likely say Joel Miller with no real specifics on what type of story they’d want to see, or they’d want my rendition of something they’re already familiar with. And there’s nothing wrong with that at all, I’m very flattered by everyone enjoying my takes on that man, but I guess I’m in this place where I’ve spent so much goddamn time on writing and I need to figure out who I am as a writer completely outside of that. 

One of my writing colleagues said that I’m very mercurial, and I’d never thought much about that word at all despite how well it describes how I’ve been my entire life. I can never seen to make up my mind on things, and I’m frequently changing, removing stuff, my writing style changes as I deepen my understanding of the story, my characters etc, as I take more things into consideration and expand my own view. 

To put it in Patrick Bateman terms: this reflection…. Has meant…. Nothing. And it’s true - there is no real meaning to it, cause it’s me sitting here at 6pm, looking out my window and trying to find meaning and direction in a hobby that is a completely open landscape, and where it seems like publishing is the only real goal one can have. Either that or internet success. I don’t know, I’m not sure where I’m going with any of it and who will want to read it. I guess I have a fear that everyone who has ever followed me only wants me around as yet another source of endless Joel fic and that nobody really has an interest in my writing for what it is, or for the writer I am. I don’t try to be like anyone else - everyone sees things differently, and my fics are just a representation of how all these different scenarios look in my mind. My hope is that the people who enjoy my writing regardless of characters enjoy my writing because they enjoy my POV, or enjoy the attention paid to the things I emphasize. 

Maybe I’ll come up with something more concise next time, but this has been my writing journal entry for now !! 

[chubbydino]

I just finished reading Fool's Gold.

I feel an overwhelming amount of a myriad of emotions, and the need to put it all into words, imbued with the certainity that I will never find the words to express the true depth of what I feel, nor will there ever be a time when what I have to say will even begin to tell you just how much gravity and meaning this story holds.

nevertheless, I will try.

rpf rids you of the difficulty of creating a character - it gives you a name, face, quirks that make them true to their person, a life and circumstances, and above it all the freedom to do with that what you will. this often comes with the cost of your characters, who are real people, becoming mere puppets of a story, vessels intended to tell it.

to be able to tell a story that has never happened as you wish to tell it, centred around people that very much breathe, live, and exist all while making them true to their own person is no easy task. and yet you've done it so irreproachably. you've somehow painstakingly, and impeccably struck a balance between creating a world for them, whilst still writing an ode to them as real people.

I went into Fool's Gold wary of the tags, staunchly believing you couldn't convince me of many of the things you had implied. I understand now. there wasn't a single sentence that I didn't believe with my full heart.

my simple mind couldn't even begin comprehending how you managed to weave such an intricate, riveting plot. there's not a single thing you didn't think of. every sentence you wrote felt like it was thought out and decided well before any of these people or these events happened. everytime I thought I knew what was happening, you very artfully reminded, I in fact, did not.

you had such generously fleshed out stories and love for every character that I couldn't help but wonder how you could conclude so very many relationships in a sensible way. nevertheless I trusted you to write an epilogue that would be delicate, sensible and bittersweet, much like most meaningful stories.

having read the last chapter, beginning the epilogue confused me. and then i was fraught with anger. what of the stories you told me before ? what of them ? and then as i continued to read, i felt as if i had been doused with water, not the kind that leaves you shaking and spluttering, but the gentle kind a mother bestows upon her child - with care and love, and in some parts the feeling that times will not always be like this. suddenly I wanted to be nowhere but where you had taken me, hear no other story than the one you were telling in that moment. and just like that, it was over.

thank you, with everything in me, thank you.

i don't really have words to properly articulate myself, but thank you. fool's gold will always be special to me in many ways, and allowed me to engage in F1 in a way far beyond how i'd been doing so for years prior.

it has its flaws and there are parts people hate about it (including the epilogue lol) and there are a lot of things i would improve in the fic, but the joy of fanfic for me is that it is what it is, raw and unpolished. FG really taught me a lot about myself and opened a lot of doors for me that would be firmly shut if i hadn't accepted a $5 venmo for coffee from my dear friend who wanted me to write my crazy rpf idea.

i'd never written rpf before FG and wow did it change my whole opinion on rpf 😂 f1 rpf is still the wild west in many ways but i LOVE writing my messed up takes on these guys who i have no clue about irl 😂😂😂

[evercelle]

HELLO I LOVE YOUR LATEST PIECE SM....

was wondering if you had any strong pg saiou/oumasai hcs? or strong pg headcanons in general??

i collect peoples pg hcs in this unsuspecting jar labelled brainrot.

sorry if youve been asked this before btw!! my memory isnt great BDBBSBXB

hmmm i have difficulty articulating it! i see the pregame characters as being on the surface total opposites to their in-game counterparts, but on a deeper dive they still retain the fundamental aspects of who they are, just cast in a darker/more negative light than in-game... for example, momota's brashness, conviction & stubbornness is the same (pregame: i'll be the victor no matter what --> in-game: i'll be a hero you can rely on no matter what). saihara's nature is obsession (with the franchise as a fan, with the truth as a detective); akamatsu's is determination and un/intentional callousness (i'm going to win/stop the game without regard to others [by taking things into my own hands/to save them]).

for pregame ouma... i see him as a guy who's going through the motions in life, who's boring and able to just. blend in and get along because he lacks the courage or purpose to be someone remarkable. guy that lacks in-game ouma's confidence and arrogance, but still retains the fundamental aspect of his loneliness and dishonesty--but that disingenuousness is the conflict between the mask you wear as a Member In A Society vs. the self you wish you could be. he's still gotta have claws in there somewhere, because you gotta be some kind of unhinged to volunteer for a death game...!! that's the feeling i wanted to draw in the last piece... "i want to be more than i am," even at a terrible price

(p.s. dont have a strong pg!ousai hc, tho the works where ouma enters v3 to try to save saihara are kind of cute...! i think my favorite kind is more about pg!ouma seeking to enter the game and break it bc he hates the killing game even before he became a player.)

[mysteriouseggsbenedict]

I don't have a therapist right now so Tumblr is getting all of my thoughts...

I just got hired for what honestly feels like a dream summer position, and it's a big deal for me because I have struggled majorly with employment in the past. Getting through a job interview while autistic is pretty much a special form of hell. So now that I've succeeded I'm really proud of myself for working hard at getting better at something that's difficult for me. It feels like I won at this game finally.

But it also is kind of, like, still shitty. So I struggled in a system that is unaccommodating to me, failed multiple times and took some big hits to my self confidence, but after working really hard I overcame those difficulties to Win At Capitalism? Is that really something to celebrate?

It's like the "disabled person is so determined and inspirational that they navigate inaccessible environments through the force of their will" narrative.

There's just something that rubs me the wrong way about congratulating myself for succeeding in a job interview, as opposed to, you know, living a life that's free of the need to participate in job interviews. In a world that is actually ideal, we wouldn't need to kill ourselves developing interview skills just to survive in our society's economic system.

I did utilize accommodations for my interviews that made a huge, huge impact in my success. So I guess my own argument isn't perfect, because I did modify the situation in some ways, instead of muscling through the completely traditional interview format.

Asking for the questions in advance changed the game for me. So far, I have asked for questions in advance prior to three job interviews, and none of the employers questioned me or refused to send them. So I was able to prepare answers to the questions before the interview and even practice speaking through them out loud. I can get tongue-tied if I'm trying to speak off-the-cuff, so doing this basically allowed me to articulate an accurate impression of my skills.

In the interview for the job that I got hired for, they told me that I'm able to use visual aids if I want, so I actually prepared a slideshow to screenshare during the interview. I had my qualifications on the slides so there was no way I'd mess up telling the employer about them. It was great to have an aid on the screen for me to follow along with as I talked, and it also demonstrated that I had prepared for the interview.

Since most of my mutuals on here are also neurodivergent, I'm curious if you have thoughts. Have you figured out ways to succeed at interviews? Or not? What has helped you the most? What's your mindset around conforming to expectations and trying to train yourself to perform well? (I'm also a little bit curious just because I'm finishing up a research project about this exact topic, because I always end up centering my research around the stuff that is bothering me in my real life, lol).