#i have decided outside of sophie scenes i simply hate happiness

[bittwitchy]

[manuscripts-dontburn]

The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus

Author: L. Frank Baum

First published: 1902

Pages: 176

Rating: ★★★★☆

How long did it take: 2 days

Since I am from a country where Santa Claus is not the one to bring the presents and instead I see him as an intruder who tries desperately to butt into our traditions, I was unsure if I wanted to read this. But thankfully L. Frank Baum managed to fabricate the history of Santa in a way that was utterly charming and actually could be labeled as middle-grade fantasy. I truly enjoyed myself!

Wildwood Dancing

Author: Juliet Marillier

First published: 2006

Pages: 432

Rating: ★★★★★

How long did it take: 6 days

Snuggle up in your comfy armchair, and with the snow falling outside and a warm cup of tea beside you just plunge into Wildwood and be swept away. This is a wonderful retelling of several different fairytales, rich in imagery and using the picturesque Romanian countryside as a setting. The characters are endearing (or frustrating when they need to be) and the atmosphere sizzles with magic. The strong bonds between the five sisters, out of whom none is left out of the story, on top of the romantic attachements, succeed in making one emotional and truly invested. Simply wonderful!

With the Fire on High

Author: Elizabeth Acevedo

First published: 2019

Pages: 400

Rating: ★★★★★

How long did it take: 3 days

Perhaps this is not the most amazing book ever, but I still decided to give it 5 stars because... 1. it was everything I needed at the moment 2. the characters were strong, easily recognizable from each other and somebody I would love to know 3. it appreciates the difficulties of normal life, without need to go overboard with the drama 4. the author does not waste time and has no patience with useless fillers 5. I tend to hate contemporary stuff, or I get easily bored by it, but this book made me just feel fuzzy and and happy and comfortable

Tichá srdce

Author: Alena Ježková

First published: 2013

Pages: 456

Rating: ★★★★★

How long did it take: 13 days

Jedinečná publikace s trochu zavádějícím názvem, jelikož všechna srdce, která jsou v knize představena, nejsou ani trochu tichá, ale hovoří jasně a přesvědčivě. Alena Ježková představuje čtenáři nejen historii řádů, které někdy působily v Čechách (a v jiných částech republiky), nejen osudy klášterů, těch zvláštních míst, kde čas jako by stál navzdory tomu, že historie se jimi prohnala (většinou značně nevybíravě a nemilosrdně), ale především dává možnost získat unikátní perspektivu a náhled prostřednictvím řeholníků a řeholnic. Nejvíce ze všech získaly můj respekt sestry Boromejky. Vše je bohatě ilustrováno černo-bílými fotografiemi a celkově se tak jedná o velmi krásnou knihu, kterou je nejlépe číst pomalu.

Women & Power: A Manifesto

Author: Mary Beard

First published: 2017

Pages: 116

Rating: ★★★★☆

How long did it take: 1 day

Illuminating and disconcerting.

Papa Panov's Special Christmas

Author: Lev Tolstoy

First published: ?

Pages: 13

Rating: ★★★★★

How long did it take: 20 minutes

... and thus Lev Tolstoy made me teary-eyed with less than 15 pages.

A Christmas Carol

Author: Charles Dickens

First published: 1843

Pages: 144

Rating: ★★★★★

How long did it take: 2 days

Although I have been familiar (in great detail actually) with the story, it took almost 33 years of my life to actually read the original text. It also happens to be my first taste of Dickens. My, did he know a lot of words! The Christmas Carol, no matter how over-exposed to the public psyche for over a century, breathes a true Christmas spirit (Ha! See what I did there?), warms your heart and will surely withstand all the further tests of time.

Once Upon a River

Author: Diane Setterfield

First published: 2018

Pages: 464

Rating: ★★★★★

How long did it take: 10 days

This book is a love song: for the river Thames, for the art of story telling and for everything that makes us good as people. A kaleidoscope of characters, most of whom you grow to love throughout and feel so close to that their plight will eventually move you to tears and make you rejoice whenever they get to be happy. The story had a long, long and slow beginning, resembling, in a way, the river itself, and much like it it grows on strength until it obliterates everything with a flood of beautiful language and shimmering mystery. Love, love, love.

Marie-Thérèse, Child of Terror: The Fate of Marie Antoinette's Daughter

Author: Susan Nagel

First published: 2006

Pages: 418

Rating: ★★★★★

How long did it take: 14 days

There is really nothing I can fault with this biography, except perhaps one needs to keep in mind that a book about Marie Therese will naturally try and present the events of her life as she saw them - and at times that can be problematic. Other than that the books does exactly what it sets out to do: it presents facts and paints a picture of an interesting (if politically largely unimportant) person from before her birth to her death, never really deviating from that goal, and it is quite informative as well as fairly easy to read.

Olga's Egg

Author: Sophie Law

First published: 2018

Pages: 314

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

How long did it take: 8 days

Unfortunatelly this ranks among my most disappointing reads of the year. The premise of the book - searching for a lost Fabergé egg that once belonged to Grand Duchess Olga Nikolaevna, while battling through personal tragedy and multi-generational story - was actually great. However a subject like that needed so much more work and depth and length than it was ever given. This could (and should) have been a 500+ page epic delving into the Russian psyche covering different genres from mystery, doomed romance, historical ficton and a detective story. Instead it merely touches and lets go of all these, does not excell in any and leaves you completely unsatisfied. The search for the egg is completely straightforward with no proper secrets, no dead-ends are encountered, and the main protagonist is given everything on a silver platter on her very first try (the fact that another person, not nearly as involved or knowledgable, comes to the same conclusion as her in no time makes it all even more yawn-worthy). Some of the scenes in the book are absolutely useless. Example: we learn something had happened. Next scene shows you exactly what you have just found out. With no other info added. I was also confused as to why did the author insist on renaming an actual historical character of English tutor to the Tsar´s children Charles Sydney Gibbes, given that no other change to his biography was made. The ending is completely unrealistic, anti-climactic, and the sugary-sweet epilogue unneccessary. The ammount of "non-fiction" information thrown into the book feels forced and pretentious due to its shortness. What a bummer.

The Regalia of the Russian Empire

Author: Irina Polynina

First published: 1994

Pages: 240

Rating: ★★★★★

How long did it take: 2 days

Excellent and beautiful volume which combines interesting facts with high-quality photographs and picture reproductions. Absolutely would recommend to anyone with interest in Russia, the Romanovs, jewellery or just history in general. 

The Starless Sea

Author: Erin Morgenstern

First published: 2019

Pages: 498

Rating: ★★★★★

How long did it take: 5 days

Have you ever finished a book and you realized your hands were shaking and you had tears in your eyes simply because it was too beautiful? Because I have not - until The Starless Sea. More of my emotional breakdown HERE.

[cartierswift]

—invisible (lrh)

* for sophie *

—

you didn’t understand. everything was fine. more than fine, actually. things were perfect. you met luke when you were just 16. he was 17 and travelling the world with his best friends and you were just a junior in high school. it was a cool day in amsterdam. the leaves were changing colours, and you were sitting on a park bench absolutely clueless that you were about to meet the love of your life. luke, trying to avoid the pestering paps managed to get away for a few minutes and catch his breath on the same bench. instantly, he noticed the way your brown hair caught lighter in the sun and darker under the shade of the tree, he caught notice of the way your lips turned up after every lyric ended, but mostly it was your voice. the way you sang as if you weren’t in the middle of a park, the way his chest tighten everytime you sang a word. he knew right then and there that it was you. you were the one for him.

“pretty chilly here isn’t it?” he said, looking over to see if he caught your attention. you did a double take around the area, confused as to why someone was disturbing your alone time. the moment your brown eyes caught his blue ones, you melted. you were at a lost for words. his golden blonde locks were messy with last nights slumber and his plump lips were glistening. you were a sucker for lip rings.

“i guess. you get used to it eventually” you smiled back.

“is that so? i guess i’ll need to come by more often.” his eyes never leaving yours.

“i guess so.” you didn’t know why, but you were nervous. you wanted to make a good impression on this boy. you wanted him to remember you.

“maybe i can get your number? you know. so i can have a reason to come back.” he said a bit quieter. you nodded and typed your number into his phone refusing to give in to your nerves. after you were done, you couldn’t help but give him a big smile. you were proud you were able to attract someone good looking and you knew that this was going to be something special.

“i’m luke.”

“sophie.”

—

after that, everything else just fell into place. you and luke stayed together through everything. scandals, hate, tours, and everything else in between. you graduated and moved to LA to be with him. you couldn’t imagine your life without him. everything was perfect. the days consisted of football games on the TV, painting and then repainting the bedroom walls, helping luke write music, basically doing everything together. you went on tour with him, you got along great with the boys. nothing could ruin what you guys have together. some people say that if it’s meant to be, nothing can make them leave. and you agreed there was no force in the world that could take luke from you or you from him.

however, something in 2017 changed. the once happy relationship you guys held was crumbling. luke was snapping faster than usual, you were left in bed every night with an empty space holding on to your pillow to try and fill the void he left you with. your dreams filled with all the happy moments. the beautiful colours of your relationship were fading to grey and luke simply didn’t care. after every fight, he turned his back and walked away. you wouldn’t let it go though. you gave up everything to be with luke, you sacrificed a huge writing career to live in LA, your parents didn’t understand and you had left amsterdam with nasty words in your heart for them, your friends were limited to the boys and their girlfriends and a few from back home that didn’t understand what you and luke had. you had given up so much and you were not going to let it go to waste. your love with luke was special and you knew it. something else was going on behind the scenes.

then it got even worse. luke wouldn’t even leave his bed. his once happy self had completely diminished, he began to push you and the boys away. at this point you knew that something was wrong and it wasn’t your relationship. you called luke’s mom and she had told you the hard truth that luke had tried his best to hide from you. when luke was 12 he was diagnosed with clinical depression. the gene had run in the family and luke had inherited it. there was no explanation as to why. sometimes he just got sad and he needed space. it was all about patience liz had told you. so you listened. you held onto luke at night, you would kiss his shoulder and you would mumble an “i love you” or an “i’m always here baby”. and he would whisper the same words back. you thought things would get better after some time but three days later and things were still the same. luke refused to eat or interact with anybody. the boys would come over but they wouldn’t get anything out of luke. even the fans noticed that luke wasn’t the same, he went online even less and would rarely stop to take pictures when fans caught the rare glimpse of him outside. everybody was worried and what was even worse is that they were blaming you. most of them said you were probably abusive, others said that luke had become miserable in your “pr relationship” none of it was true and it only hurt luke even more that he couldn’t find it in him to defend you because he feared the fans finding out about his depression.

days turned into weeks and at this point you were begging luke to go back to his therapist, but he refused. he said these things happened all the time to him. but you knew it was more than that. things like this happened but not to this extent. you knew he needed help. you decided to take matters into his own hands and told luke you were going to go out and grab some lunch with calum. something regular as you two were very close. luke didn’t mind, but as you said your byes he held you just a bit longer than usual and his kissed lingered a bit more. you figured it was him just trying to reassure you that he was fine. you told him you love him and then made your way to the cafè to meet with calum. when you got there, you told calum everything. how hard it has been on him, but you even cried and told him how hard it has been on you. that you didn’t understand, that luke was everything to you, that you wanted to help but that you didn’t want to pressure him. calum comforted you and soaked in every word. luke was his best friend and he felt this just as hard as you did. so after 2 hours of discussion you and calum had come up with a plan to bring a therapist to luke next week. it was all you guys could truly think about. you bid your farewells and you promised you would text him when you arrived safely.

when you go to your door, something didn’t feel right. you opened the door to your home and immediately knew something was wrong. you called for luke but there was no answer. now you knew for sure that something had gone wrong, luke always responded to your arrival. it was the one thing you held onto everyday. your rushed to the bathroom door and you burst in, not caring about what the situation behind could be. you wish you hadn’t. you wish you had opened with a bit more caution. right infront of your eyes was like, but it wasn’t luke. all you could see was his body on the floor and the a container of pills clutched in his palm. you fell to your knees, shaking him with one half while you dialled 911. you could only pray that you weren’t too late. in his other hand you found a few notes. the first page read:

“sing this when the time is right. i love you sophie.”

you flipped to the next page and it was a song written by luke, you can tell by his handwriting right away that it was recent, his letters having a little bit of a tremble to them. on the top of the page the title was louder than any other word on the sheet: Invisible.

—

the time had come. a sea of black before your eyes. hundreds of people had filled the church, and there were more waiting outside. it had been weeks since the incident, but you still didn’t understand. how the love your life just slipped between your fingers? how he thought he was alone? the boys tried to comfort you in any way that they could. but they knew nothing would ever fill the emptiness luke had left you with. most days you couldn’t get up from bed, most of the time it was ashton who was shoving food down your throat. most nights calum had to sleep in the guest room because the nightmares had become too much to handle by yourself. and it was michael who had checked you into the hospital when you broke down, and lost all the air in your lungs while you begged god for the love of you life back. the doctors said it was trauma, you walked in on your boyfriend dead. others say it’s for attention. but you knew what it was: devastation. luke had only managed to pass his sorrow to you and thousands of others. as people went up one by one and said their words about luke, there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. you were holding onto calum as your sobs shook your entire body. you couldn’t go up there anymore. you couldn’t save luke, it was the boys who deserved to sing his song. his final words to everyone.

but the boys knew what luke wanted. he wanted it to be you. he wanted you to be the one to sing his explanation. the song was written for your voice and nobody else’s. so when it was your turn and when everybody’s wet eyes turned to you, you swallowed your sadness and told the crowd everything. how you and luke met. how he gave you this feeling of electricity. how even on your saddest days he found beauty. how you still can’t find it in you to believe that he’s gone. you still think this is all some sick joke. you told them what his note said. that he claimed he was gone along time ago. that most nights even though you held onto him, it was still him and his shadow and everything he did or said that he regretted. that he didn’t know who he was anymore. he just knew he didn’t want to be here anymore. that he was sorry and that he knows he’s loved. but what he also knows is a type of sadness that he can’t find words for, all he can really say is it’s the time that grabs onto your chest and makes you feel things you don’t ever want your worst enemy to feel. he wants the band to keep going. he knows they won’t but he wants them to give the fans everything in them. most of all, he wanted to let everyone know that the fans were his anchor. he’s sorry he disappeared but they never left his mind and they will never leave his heart. he hopes that nobody ever feels the way he did. he writes about love and tragedy and that once you find something you love, don’t let anyone take it away from you ever. he writes about the love of his life and how you would take the pain away and put it on your shoulders. he wants to tell everyone they now officially have a guardian angel.

“and in luke’s final wishes,” you take a deep breath. this is for luke. this is for luke. this is for luke. your eyes catch the band, a reassuring smile on their faces. “he’s asked that i perform his final piece of art.” you look up to the ceiling, you know he’s sitting on a cloud with his tongue out teasing you about being nervous. “come on sophie, don’t be nervous loser.” he would tease if he could.

“ladies and gentlemen, this song is called: Invisible”