#i have curated enough that i rarely see those takes here tbh

[devastatinglygreen]

A hot take but one that's a hill you're willing to die on?

oh my.

alright.

i think the comparisons to anthony or benedict when it comes to colin and sex are bad faith takes and the people who think he slept his way through 17 cities are giving him far too much credit (and hate? like no one reacts to colin the way they do to anthony or benedict and it's wild).

whenever colin mentions/we see him involved in sexual situations in part one, he's at odds with penelope emotionally. over the summer he's waiting for penelope to write him and when she doesn't he starts looking for that connection in the physical and when he's back home, he's still seeking what he considers his "normal" with penelope when he's at the brothel in ep 2. right after he leaves the girlies, he's acting both nervous and like he's overcompensating so you can tell he's still unsure about where they stand. he wants penelope's approval so bad he's choking on it.

in ep 4 he's both in love with her and at odds emotionally—they're not on the same page and he's not sure they ever will be. once he's aware of his emotions, he's not even capable of pretending any longer.

which moves into the end of 4 and into ep 5 where he's both confident but nervous because he's done this before but he's never done it quite like that. he's already insecure about her feelings so it feels like all of his focus is making sure she enjoys herself because he can provide this for her. he can give her pleasure and he can give her a home. he can publish his journals and make her proud of him. but it's all to prove something to himself (and her) when it comes to their relationship.

he's far more himself with her than he is with anyone else which is why i think he's so insecure about it. and why LW is such a big issue for him. he's scared for her and he's jealous, yes, but i also think there's a tinge of "i'm still not enough for her" mixed in there when she won't give it up, like being married to him isn't enough even tho that's not what LW is about for her.

neither one of them are being themselves completely at that point. he's more himself, yeah, but he's also trying to prove that he's some better version of himself he thinks he needs to be for her and she's not owning the secret parts of herself yet. they're still not on the same page emotionally.

we saw how hard it was for him to separate his mind and body from the start so i think him trying to do that with penelope, the woman he's in love with and married to by that point, was going to be near impossible. he visibly weakens every time she says she loves him so idk what else people want from him tbh or why they act like he was punishing her. i think he was respecting the both of them.

long way to say what i said but i also stand by it.

[soundsof71]

FIVE ALBUMS YOU NEED IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW!!!

aka, My Top 5 of 2020, but I didn’t want to seem too retro!

Yep, I have a classic rock blog. Yep, I think that the best rock and roll in history is being made RIGHT NOW. And yep, ALL of it is being made by women. 

(Shown at top, Nova Twins by Ant Adams [x] and The Tissues by Michael Espleta [x]. I was planning to make a collage of all my faves in concert, but  not all of them were able to play in 2020. Both of these photos are pre-pandemic.)

There’s been quite a bit of movement on this list, and all five of these have spent some time at Number 1 as the year has done (gestures broadly) All This™. Anyone looking for rock and roll is going to dig any of these. 

Rocking out is just the start of it, though. Wrestling with my bipolarity and schizophrenia is tough on a good day, and there haven’t been too many of those lately. The plague has also taken its toll around me, with two family members dead and a third who’s doing better, but will likely never be all the way back. (Mask up, kids!)

I’ve written plenty about how deeply Taylor Swift and Phoebe Bridgers have moved me this year (and will do so again), but in those rare stretches where I’ve had enough spare energy to listen to music at all these days, I’ve mostly been looking for more than beautiful music. Heavy times need heavy lifting, and I find that in heavy music. 

The five albums here have all helped carry me, pointing the way toward light.

1) BULLY, SUGAREGG

Alicia Bognanno is a force of nature as a guitarist, vocalist, composer, and producer/engineer. (While working on her degree in audio engineering at MTSU, she interned with Steve Albini, who remains both a fan and an admirer). A Nashville transplant from Minnesota, she’s still a natural fit in her home on Sub Pop: as heavy as Soundgarden, as hooky as Sleater-Kinney. 

I was blown away hearing her searing honesty while working through her discoveries of her bisexuality and bipolarity (double bi!), and her triumphant roar lifts me out of my seat every time I listen.

“She sings the hell out of [these songs], her voice fraying to the point of combustion every time she launches to the top of her range. This is phenomenal music for converting anger and anxiety into unbound joy.” ~Stereogum, Album of the Week

Also, check this fantastic interview with Alicia in the New York Times talking about what she’s gone through to get here. 

TURN IT UP!

2) GANSER, LOOK AT THAT SKY

Ganser syndrome is a rare dissociative disorder characterized by nonsensical or wrong answers to questions and other dissociative symptoms such as fugue, amnesia or conversion disorder, often with visual pseudohallucinations and a decreased state of consciousness. ~Wikipedia #it me

‘Just Look At That Sky’ doesn’t presume to offer solutions; it’s an honest document of what it feels like to wade through anxiety, day by day, not a survival guide or handbook of answers none of us actually have. Whether or not you pay attention to this, Ganser are simply one of the most invigorating, exciting new bands. ~Clashmusic

I saw one very positive review compare Ganser to a cross between Fugazi and Sonic Youth, but I think they hit much, much harder than either of those. And as you can surely guess, I also deeply relate to their themes of mental illness and dissociation while trying to make it through All This™. But my god, are they TIGHT. This is a BAND.

Ganser has two fantastic lead vocalists, and on “Bad Form”, bassist/vocalist Alicia Gaines wrote the song for the voice of keyboardist/vocalist Nadia Garofolo. Alicia also wrote a FANTASTIC essay on the strains that making an album during a pandemic puts on the mental health of the entire band at talkhouse: “Writing, recording, reaching out, balancing relationships outside and within the band, I found (and still find) myself under-rested and agitated to no particular end. More than not doing enough, I was not enough.” 

(If you can’t relate to that, I can’t relate to you, tbh.)

This video also does a fantastic job of showing dissociation. TURN IT UP!

3) THE TISSUES, BLUE FILM

“Blue Film” is a ten-song shot of dagger-twisting electro-(s)punk. It’s completely addictive from the very first listen. The tour de force is “Rear Window”, an art-punk masterpiece of slashing guitars and mad caterwauling. Copious doses of jaunty poetics and social commentary reward the earlooker patient enough to untangle Kristine Nevrose’s hysterical meowing about intergalactic salt shakers and hysterectomies, but I’m too emotionally invested to look under the hood.” ~ Sputnik Music

“Rear Window” is in fact my most-played 2020 track. TURN IT UP!

4) GUM COUNTRY, SOMEWHERE

It’s not all heavy! But even when I’m looking for something light and hooky, I need a bite, and Gum Country has done it with the kind of swirly, feeedback-laden wall of sound that Lush or Yo La Tengo would make if they lived in LA. (Recent transplants to SoCal from Vancouver, I do think that the sunshine has gone straight to their heads, in the very best way.)

Indie music nerds will know guitarist/composer/singer/front woman Courtney Garvin from The Courtneys, and she really does throw up a glorious wall of sound. I adore this video too! Sweet, swinging, fun -- and yes, the drummer is playing keyboard with one hand while slapping the skins with the other! 

I mentioned earlier that all five of these albums have spent part of the year at #1 on my list -- I think that this one might have spent the longest stretch there. Like all shoegaze, even as hooky as this, the truth of these songs is revealed in VOLUME. TURN IT UP!

5) NOVA TWINS, WHO ARE THE GIRLS?

Now, THIS is heavy! Amy Lee (vocals, guitar) and Georgia South (bass) are fucking LOUD, and insanely intense. A mix of grime, hip-hop, metal, punk, and good old rock and roll, they’re a harder-hitting, more theatrical Prodigy, with a pyre of intensity that recalls the heaviest howls of Rage Against The Machine. Indeed, Nova Twins spent a good bit of 2019 playing heavy metal festivals and toured as openers for Prophets of Rage. (Tom Morello has been a fan and supporter from the beginning.)

As you may have noted in the photo at the top of this post, their musical audacity extends to visuals too: they design their own clothes, hair, and makeup, they art direct their own videos, and more. They impress the hell out of me, and I’ve been a huge fan since hearing their first singles in 2018. I’ll plant a flag and say that Georgia South in particular is the most innovative musician on any instrument in any genre right now, but they’re both absolutely monsters. 

I’m honestly not at all sure that #5 is high enough for this, but I’m absolutely certain that after this video, you’re gonna need to rest for a little. LOL

“Taxi” is the story of two gleefully and creatively violent women shaking up the local crime syndicate as they use a vintage cab for their moving murder scene. This is the movie that Robert Rodriguez wishes he was making with Sin City, if it were combined with Blade Runner and The Matrix. And gangsters. And a snake.

I’m gonna take your crown I’m gonna, I’m gonna bleed you out We demand it by the hour We devour, control, power

I’m gonna burn it down Even the, even the royals bow

So not the same kind of therapeutic work being explored on this rekkid, but you know what? Fucking shit up is therapeutic too! 

Definitely take this full screen, and for the love of fuck, TURN IT UP!

SO. Not done with the best of 2020 yet? I’m sure not! A lot of my favorite songs aren’t on albums (at least not yet), so for an unedited list of everything I’m finding, check out my Spotify list, 2020: Shuffle This List! 268 songs and counting, over 15 hours, and not finished yet. I’m still checking out everyone else’s Best of lists (including yours! Message me links to yours!!!), so will probably be adding to this for most of 2021, too. 

And for more banging tracks by women from 2020, plus a few 2019 gems that I’m still grooving to, check out my more thoroughly curated Spotify playlist Women Bangers: A Tumblr New Classics Jam. (You’ll see a couple of these tracks there!) I’m working on a YouTube playlist and an essay to properly roll that one out. I’m also still tweaking the ending, but the three dozen or so tunes there are definitely bangin’.

Tell me if you hear anything you dig here, and tell me what YOU’VE found! We’re gonna get through this together.

Yr pal, Timmy

[kihaku-gato]

OC Ships / Ship Dynamics

For whatever reason I fizzled out mid-writing so I had to power through last night to try to follow through what I wanted to ramble about Valentine’s Day night. Probably full of typos and incoherence once you hit the Harriet X Anne section onwards, but I’m not proofreading for typos cause brain frustrated trying to spit this out into words so WHATEVER TAKE HERE IT AND SHIP THE CHARACTERS hopefully

If the ship title is wrapped in “*“ it means it’s a canonical ship in the main canon story of said OCs. Also since AUs will be mentioned, if a specific sentence is wrapped with “*“ it means its a specific thing to the canon story and may not be consistent in AUs.

LETS GO

*Terra X Kayla*

My first OC ship so one of the ones closest to my heart. The serious-chivalrous X bubbly-princess kind of ship (Xena/Gabrielle and Lucia/Sumire are good comparisons). Terra sees Kayla as as an innocent woman that needs to be protected *though Kayla in reality is plenty capable of taking care of herself, and may not be as naive/innocent as Terra thinks*. Despite Kayla’s capabilities, Kayla fantasizes being swept off her feet by Terra as if Terra were a prince charming- but quickly learning Terra’s boundaries she does not force those fantasies onto Terra. Do not mistake Kayla’s damsel-esque fantasies to mean she would not protect Terra in return, if Terra is truly threatened Kayla is far scarier *and more powerful* than Terra could ever be.

*A lot of their developing relationship is them realizing that they both have severe scars from major points of their childhoods, that though both coped with it very differently, they are not so different in many regards.*

Kayla is very physically affectionate, at least having body-to-body contact, hand/arm holding, and if able, rubbing her face against her s/o. Terra’s affection is more aloof but shows her affection by wanting to at least be in the same room/space as Kayla, *craft/curate magical items/trinkets with Kayla in mind* and at times when lost in thought/focus sometimes ends up catching herself stimming via twirling Kayla’s hair in her hands. I could nonetheless see Terra potentially caressing Kayla’s face with her hand though less common.

More direct affection between them is show via kunik kisses (rubbing/touching their noses together), less so actual lip to lip kissing though it happens rarely.

Among the ship complexes they are one of the least sexual of the ships, though among the Terra related ships its the one where I could most likely see Terra having sex (despite Terra not being a sexually driven person); being that Kayla is extremely respectful of Terra’s set boundaries and Terra wanting to please Kayla best she can.

*Riivar X Demauria*

*Their relationship starts as an unofficial Royal X Guard relationship, even though it’s purely for the title and not cause Riivar needs protection*. Between Riivar’s very flirty sexually open nature, and Demauria’s tsundere-esque will-not-admit-she-has-high-sexual-drive/attraction nature, this ship is very sexually tense even though a lot of their starting relationship doesn’t even remotely have sex involved (Riivar doesn’t even make any sexual moves on Demauria as she does not want to make Demauria uncomfortable, rather it’s Demauria later on that makes the move).

Demauria sees Riivar as a tall powerful, confident, knows-what-she-wants-in-life person, and eventually seeks to understand how she came to be so *since a lot of Demauria’s character arc is about finding her drive/purpose in life*. Riivar sees Demauria as a small almost-child that needs room/space/resources and love to grow *though later in the story believes she is not the one that can give enough for Demauria as she feels Demauria has outgrown the need for Riivar*.

Riivar is very open and affectionate and is all about pleasing her partner however her s/o wishes, so as such tries to keep Demauria as comfortable as possible, and only pushes Dema out of her comfort zone is she believes it’s something of benefit to Demauria. Demauria in contrast is very closeted in her emotions, and struggles to regulate them; though she likes the affection she is prone to snapping at Riivar, as such she tries to be more aloof to avoid accidentally snapping at Riivar altogether, as she does not want to hurt the very person doing so much for her. It takes a long time for Demauria to open up and better manage some of her more major intense emotions.

Relationship-wise Demauria wants to try to take the lead but is often strongly outshone by Riivar though not intended.

Among the canon ships this is one of the ships I’ve wanted to drop canonization of; being that I struggle to read/predict how the two interact with each other, plus though unintended there is an accidental power dynamic between Riivar/Demauria that I don’t like (some of it is Riivar having more experience, some of it is that *the canon story has Riivar in the position of hero / good summaratin, which puts Dema in almost a child-like position*), despite my attempts to remove/nullify said power dynamic.

*Harriet X Anne*

This ship is relatively new as far as canon ships go and I keep beating around the bush when it comes to Anne (as a character and her motives etc.) so excuse the disservice of how short this may be for them. Chivalrous Prince X Princess, but in contrast to Terra X Kayla, the energy is reversed; Harriet is the more energetic/open “prince” while Anne is the more aloof “princess”. Probably the ship with the most pining of the 3 canonical ships; Both hold each other with utmost respect.

Harriet puts a lot of effort in treating Anne like a lady when she’s not treating her like a “partner” (non-romantically), which just absolutely squeezes Anne’s heart. A huge arc in their relationship is putting trust that they can help each other in their times of need, being both have a habit if shouldering responsibilities on their individual selves instead of taking the helping hand. I originally was gonna give Harriet a rivalrous energy with Anne at the start of their story, but Anne ended up becoming much much softer/gentler of a character than initially planned, so it became a gentle chivalrous/comradic energy towards instead.

 Harriet X Terra

One of the non-canon ships I think about a lot. I think a lot of it is my enjoyment for seeing Harriet’s feathers getting ruffled by Terra being very attractive in Harriet’s eyes w/o Terra even caring or doing any effort to be so. So yes, the majority of the variations of this ship are rivalrous, whether it is or not really depends Harriet and the context of the AU and how they meet.

In the DnD and MHW AUs for example, Harriet treats/sees Terra in a “broski” sense since they meet each other in a more socially null environment, while most other AUs (and for that matter even in the canon main story where they aren’t a ship) they meet indirectly while in their own social cliches, leading to Harriet to quickly see/treat Terra as a rival/nemesis, due to feeling Terra as a threat to her social/romantic spotlight. It doesn’t help either that Harriet likes to be the center of attention and Terra by no direct fault of her own has a presence that “robs” that of Harriet when the eyes turn to Terra instead.

Terra on the other hand sees Harriet dismissively at the start of their ship/non-ship stories, changing to either “an interesting person” when seeing Harriet’s skills/specialities/morals, or to “a loud nuisance” when Harriet is attempting to instigate competitions/fights with Terra. Later in said ships Terra tends to grow a respect for Harriet even though they don’t entirely play to the same tune.

Interestingly I think they’d both try to get along quicker if they both saw some of the similarities in each other; one being they both will risk their necks to protect other women in their somewhat chivalrous ways, the other being my not-officially-canon-yet-cause-hesitancy is both of them being Autistic (Terra leaning more to the what people expect, while Harriet is not what one would expect- but “how/why my OCs are/should be canonically Autistic, writtern by their creator who is also Autistic” is for a different ramble).

One thing I enjoy is thinking about the point of the ship where Terra may start to open up to Harriet and show her more vulnerable side (either out of long term built trust or out of bad luck / inconvenience if they are earlier yet in the ship) and Harriet being outright disarmed by it. Tbh a lot of this ship is Harriet getting disarmed by Terra in various ways.

 Kayla X Demauria

A ship I initially did not think of till a friend drew fanart of it, but has since become a nice one for me. Kayla’s bubbly friendliness/openness and Demauria’s cold angry/pissyness is a grand contrast. Demauria is a lot more aggressive with Kayla than with  Riivar (whether that being in the “make the first move” sense or actual behaviour) *which is a lil ironic if you learn towards the canon story where Demauria is actually scared of Kayla’s capabilities hidden under the warm smile*.  Despite Dema being the more “aggressive” one I like to think they are on equal grounds as far so “who make the first move” since Kayla is very physically affectionate.

Also while Dema is more closeted with Riivar even when they become a couple, I like to follow my friend’s headcanon that Demauria would be much more physically/sexually open to Kayla than she is in the Riivar ship.

While I don’t have much for ship AUs between the two compared to the others, my one favourite that sometimes comes to my mind is an AU of an AU; the College/roomates AU where they are crushing over Terra and Riivar only to instead fall for each other instead of their crushes during the time they try to pursue them (if you are familiar with the Toradora anime you will sort of know what I mean by that).

 Riivar/Abbey X Harriet

Do I mean Riivar or Abbey or do I mean a poly ship? The Answer is both, also it is categorized together as the results would be very similar whether it’s Riivar, Abbey, or both being together with Harriet. One word; SPICY! While Terra X Harriet is indulgent for me storywise/emotionally, this ship here is tbh is the steamy kind of indulgence and I both apologize and don’t apologize for it.

Harriet has a huge celebrity crush on Riivar (both canonically and in several AUs), and while Harriet never meets Abbey in canon I would like to believe Harriet would be just as weak for Abbey as she is with Riivar. Both Riivar and Abbey would find Harriet absolutely adorable and too fun to tease/please.

Riivar is all about giving her partner comfortable pleasure, while Abbey is more one to be a lil sadistic with her partner(s) liking to bite or give a lil pain to the pleasure if her partner allows. So unsurprisingly such a combo put upon Harriet is quite fun, as she can just crumble into a mess from so much as a pretty girl smiling at her, much less two VERY pretty/beautiful women going ALL-IN as far as seduction/flirtation goes.

As I said, this ship is VERY indulgent even if imo it is one of my shallowest ships.

   Kayla X Kal

 Almost forgot this one when posting but is one I CANNOT IGNORE; a ship between Kayla and my friend Shiro’s OC Kal. THEY’D BE SO CUTE TOGETHER AND IM GLAD SHIRO LOWKEY SHIPS IT TOO. Kal flexing her muscles to flirt with Kayla? Kayla absolutely losing it / swooning cause she is a woman who loves beefy ladies? YES PLEASE. Also Kayla being stronger than she looks catching Kal by surprise is a hella nice bonus too.

[bondsmagii]

Hi! So I just finished reading The Secret History after putting it off for ages (I put it down for nearly a year, but your blog helped me follow through). I was wondering if you could talk about why you like it? And just generally what your take is on it? (Particularly re. Julian??? Like he is such a significant figure that looms over everything yet he is actually in it less than random secondary characters and it blows my mind coz I haven't seen that done effectively before in other books)

[rubs hands together] I hope you’re prepared for something very disorganised but my god I have a lot of thoughts.

what I like about it is simple enough. I love the way it’s written, I love all the descriptions and the settings, I love all the characters even if they’re all absolutely insufferable, I think the moral questions the plot forces you to ask yourself are pretty intense. like deadass by the time they killed Bunny I was happy to see his ass go, but then Richard’s realisations at the funeral, where it really sunk in that they had actually honest to god killed a man? fucking harrowing tbh. I also loved how extra the book was, and how it didn’t take itself too seriously in a lot of places (it reads quite pretentiously, but under the veneer of classical studies and champagne in fine china teapots there’s like... snorting cocaine in a Burger King parking lot, and smoking weed at a wake -- not to mention its narrator is a character within the story who literally admits right away that his fatal flaw is that he romanticises absolutely everything). it’s just raw college student chaos, but like. taken to the extreme, and absolutely horrific. it really is an impossibly fun read, and the aesthetics are on point. I see a lot of people talk about how it apparently encourages people to think murder and drugs and alcoholism are cool or whatever, but I think that’s just Tumblr being Tumblr -- i.e., people clutching their pearls every time somebody likes a character or story that isn’t pure and 100% good. all the people I know who have been influenced by The Secret History’s totally extra aesthetic have just started dressing cooler and throwing themselves into deeper and more varied studies, which is only a good thing. I know it’s made me a lot more productive and really helped me just commit to being a little over the top here, a little dramatique there... and all with absolutely no drug abuse or murder!

my general take on the novel differs from most people’s. I’ve seen near everyone say (usually while ridiculing those who like the aesthetics of the book) that The Secret History is a satire... I disagree. I don’t think it’s satirising anything. I think it’s just a straightforward “here’s what would happen if...”, and the fact that it’s set at a rich, prestigious college isn’t because Tartt is trying to show how awful rich people are but rather because Tartt herself attended such a place, and the college is directly based on Bennington College right down to the layout and the surrounding grounds and the social atmosphere at the time. I mean, it’s literally the same place with the serial numbers filed off. she based all the characters on people she knew, and then I imagine she just went nuts with the plot. same as most authors, really -- I know many who say they think of a what if question and then just run with it. of course people are going to disagree and say it’s a deconstruction of how rich people get away with everything, blah blah blah, but really the fact that so many of the characters are rich is necessary to the setting. if I was going to write a story set in 1980s Cambridge University, most of my characters would be rich as well -- they’d have to be, or they wouldn’t even be there to begin with. then it’s just convenient to the plot, because they have money to make things happen, and you can’t murder people and throw a bacchanal if you have to do backshift at Burger King, you know? even if it was meant to read as a satire and Tartt herself was like “bro I literally wrote it as a satire” I’d have to say she didn’t do a very good job, because the only satire I saw was perhaps regarding the social climate and atmosphere at Bennington while she was there, and not a deconstruction of class and wealth. it’s just... a good story. with interesting, flawed characters. it doesn’t have to be any deeper than that, and to be honest I don’t read it as such.

as for Julian... oh man. Julian. this is another place where I differ from 90% of the opinions I see. a not-insignificant amount of people seem to think that Julian is this evil mastermind who’s pulling the strings and leading the group towards their doom, and then they seem undecided when it comes to Henry. some people think he’s just another person caught up in Julian’s manipulation; others seem to think he’s Julian’s man on the ground, working with him in order to ensure his dastardly plan comes to fruition. I, however, am of the opinion that Julian is an idealistic dumbass, who allowed himself to be caught up in the romantic, idealised version of things and did not realise half of what was going on. I think he’s a man in love with the image of himself -- self-centred, slightly narcissistic, and very charming as he is, he’s in love with being the centre of the show. The Secret History’s alternative title was something along the lines of The Master of Illusions (I believe that’s still its title in the French translation), which of course refers to Dionysus but could also refer to one of the characters. many people think Henry, but to me it’s quite clear it’s Julian. when is he ever not putting on a show? everything he does, from his elite classes to his strange stories about his past to his lavish dinners... it’s all a show that he’s the master of. he’s curating the image he gives to other people and he loves doing it. everything he does is carefully selected to fit into his idealised version of himself and his life, including surrounding himself with brilliant students who share the same passion as him -- and who lack any real parental figures for various reasons. is it appropriate behaviour? absolutely not. but is it malicious? I don’t think so. at times Julian can seem almost childishly naive -- he’s stuck in this pretend game and he’s quite happy to be there... so long as he’s in control. the second he’s no longer in control, he bolts. he was on board with the idea of the bacchanal because I sincerely think he didn’t believe it would actually work; he probably thought there would be some kind of strange experience, but I don’t think he thought it would summon a god/induce psychosis (whichever you believe happened during that scene). he encouraged Henry a) because he didn’t think there was a risk and b) because how cool that his students are trying to throw a bacchanal! that’s the exact kind of thing he loves! that commitment, that throwing oneself into one’s studies, that academic fervour -- he loves it. and he saw this as just part of that. then someone ends up dead and then another person ends up dead and Julian has to face real life consequences, and he’s scared. he never planned for this because he never saw it coming. and above all he’s a coward, and a vain one at that. all of these qualities that he so loved teaching about in his classes -- stoicism, responsibility, honour -- fall by the wayside, and he runs. and that’s why Henry kills himself -- because he has been let down by his mentor, and he feels like someone should uphold those values so lovingly, apparently sincerely taught to them over the last few years. without this interpretation of Julian, I wonder how anyone made sense of Henry’s death.

in some respects, I think people are trying to look a little too deeply into this book. perhaps its subject matter -- being all about dedicated, talented scholars -- makes people think they’re reading a highly intellectual book, but while it’s wonderfully written and absolutely captivating, it’s not difficult to interpret. at least in my opinion it seems straightforward -- it’s just a story about a lot of things going wrong because of a lot of decisions; it’s about how things can so quickly get out of control no matter how much a person tries to control themselves. a man has no influence over the world around him, and things are rarely what they seem.

[the-first-date]

A conversation with Emma Zack [27/F/Brooklyn]

Madge Maril: Hello Emma!! Thank you for joining me on gchat this lovely evening. What are you up to today?

Emma Zack: HEY DARLIN! I'm here at my desk, doing my job. You know, the usual.

MM: Yes! Usual. What's your job?

EZ: Suppose you could say I have two! My day job (9-5) is as the publications manager at the Innocence Project. My other job, which only recently turned into another full-time job, is being the owner of a plus-sized vintage shop, Berriez!

MM: Well now I have to ask how you got into both.

EZ: Haha. Do it.

MM: How did you get into these two very different positions?

EZ: I'll start with the Innocence Project. I've studied prisons/criminology since I was a freshman in college. I worked in prisons/in the criminal justice sphere in college, and after college, decided that I wanted to continue on this path. I got a job at the Innocence Program in Boston, which then led me to the Innocence Project in NYC! And as for Berriez, I started it because I needed a hobby. I was (and still am tbh) really depressed, and needed something to get my mind smiling. Also, I had a bunch of clothing. Also also, I was shopping vintage online often and was never finding my size. So, all of those factors led me to start Berriez!

MM: So many questions — but maybe the weirdest one first. So you're from Boston, and now you live in NYC. What's that experience like? Do you feel like a cool New Yorker? I've heard that's a feeling.

EZ: Lol!! Quite the opposite, really. I oftentimes feel like a loser. I am a homebody and rarely leave the house, unlike most New Yorkers. Also, I move at a very slow pace, and New York is so. Freakin. Fast. It's hard to keep up. But, I will say that it's 854930574389574 times better than boring ole Boston!

MM: I've also heard about this fast pace. But honestly I don't think I know what it means? Is it more just how busy people are? 

EZ: It's the strangest thing. Since I moved to New York, I've developed insomnia, am bad at responding to texts/keeping in touch with people (which I used to be so good at before NYC), and seeing people — even my best friends — is hard because everyone is just so "busy." Not sure what we're all doing, but all I know is that we're busy. Also, let's talk about how everyone here walks fast. I truly can't keep up. I walk so slow, and people make fun of me for it all the time… like, let a girl walk at her own pace!

MM: Hahaha that's really all I've ever connected in my brain before when I've heard about New Yorkers pace — like a literal fast walking pace. 

EZ: It's true!

MM: And I know you have a ~ partner. Did y'all meet in Boston or NYC?

EZ: Nope, we met here in NYC!

MM: What was that like? Do you think the NYC climate of fast-paced energy affected it at all? 

EZ: What was meeting my partner in NYC like?

MM: Yeah! It seems so idyllic to me, a midwesterner, while also seeming like it could be intense with how busy people are.

EZ: Oh yeah, it really just kind of happened. And I met him only a month after I moved here! It was so unplanned. When we met, I knew there was something there, something special. I wouldn't say it was NYC though — I'd say it was the ~universe~ and the timing of it all meeting each other at certain points in our lives where we could commit to each other, etc.

MM: So do you believe in fate?

EZ: Lol, no.

MM: Hahahaha.

EZ: But I believe that everything happens for a reason? Bad or good? Is that fate? I don't think so. I also don't believe in "1 tru luv.”

MM: I don't think I do either! Though I really did as a kid. Like X Files... I want to believe.

EZ: Totally… I did too! But not anymore, even though I love my partner so much. And want to stay with him.

MM: I think those two things can co exist, because same for me with mine — a love, but also realizing that there have been other people, and could be other people, and that you're actively choosing this one person right now though.

EZ: Exactly!

MM: Also while I am extremely enjoying this I can feel the unseen reader wanting me to ask you about Berriez. 

EZ: Of course, of course. Lemme hear the questions!

MM: Where to begin! You mentioned a lot that I want to know more about — starting a business (can't imagine), starting a business with depression, online vintage, plus-size vintage. Can you tell me more about any of those things, whatever you want to tell me about?

EZ: Hmmmmmm. Well, I suppose when I started Berriez (formerly known as Fruity Looms), I didn't intend for it to be a "Business.” Or, rather, I didn't think of it as a business. I just thought of it as something I was doing in my free time with my friends (who would model for me).

MM: RIP Fruity Looms.

EZ: RIP FRUITY LOOMS 💔. It started to take off about 4 months in I'd say, that's when it started to get a bit more busy. Then, over the summer, it truly turned into a "business"/full-time job… it's still something I do in my free time, but it's no longer a hobby per se. It's a job. I still love it with all my heart! It's just a lot more work than when I started.

MM: I was about to ask — that can be hard, right? Turning a passion project into a job. I feel like it's not something that's talked about a lot, and people really idealize creatives who get to work in their own creative fields — especially fashion because glamour! Glam! But then there's this unspoken weight where you've morphed something you love into your "Career.”

EZ: Yup!! It's very weird, and I'm in this strange place where I really don't know what I'm doing or what I want to do, because I've done criminal justice work for so long, and Berriez really just popped in out of nowhere… do I want to take that risk? Leaving criminal justice to pursue Berriez full-time? I don't know! I suppose I could always go back. It doesn't seem reliable to me. It's scary.

MM: Why? 

EZ: Well... money, for starters! And I work well having a set schedule. Wake up at 6 to work on Berriez, go to my other job, come home to work on Berriez. If I didn't have my other job, would it be hard for me to fill that time? Would I be strict enough with myself? Also, when I don't have structure, I fall into a depression. Although, shit, I'm depressed now and I have all the structure in the world! Also side note: not glamorizing this busy NYC lifestyle. It is not fun. It is not healthy. Wow, am I talking too much? It's like you're my therapist or something. Lemme take a step back, ha!

MM: Omg no. I love it! Please talk about this as much as you like. I think it's all important, especially the reality that goes on behind the Instagram screen (poetry, I know). Because real talk when I first met you online, I was like wow! Look at her! Doing it all! Fashion! Rising star! It's so easy to project those sort of things online.

EZ: Yep, yep. Instagram is a ~facade~ amiright?!?! Lmaoooo!! In reality... I'm just a homebody/stoner/depressed/anxious/chronically ill/loving gal.

MM: Which is so much better! And realer! Is it odd to interact with so many people in Berriez and also the Innocence Project that are sort of living that facade, do-it-all life? I feel like fashion and law may have close ties; it's all very ~chic~ non?

EZ: YES YES YES. Everyone's just trying to do it all and take care of themselves. But who are we doing it all for? That's what I've been asking myself lately.

MM: Do you feel like this intensity affects your style, and how you dress at work or on Instagram (your other work)? 

EZ: Interesting question. I've never thought about it that way. I feel like Berriez has really really really helped me ~find my style~ which is like, middle school art teacher... Lol. Lots of color, lots of fun, lots of patterns. 

I'm a bigger gal, but I don't give a fuck if something isn't "flattering" per se. I come to my day job at the IP dressed like this too, since we don't have a dress code. And I am always getting compliments from my coworkers! Although they may think I'm a little nutty. Today I am wearing space buns, a red and white checkered long sleeve shirt, rhinestone hoops, vintage Levi’s, and these funny looking boots. Oh well. Did that answer your question at all? Ha.

MM: Yes!! Were you surprised when your own personal aesthetic caught on online via Berriez? Not because it's ~weird~ (to me... It is perfect) but because I'd personally find it so nice/scary/surprising if the style I'd curated, my look, resonated with people like yours does.

EZ: I guess, like, I never thought of myself as having an "aesthetic." I've kind of just always worn what I wanted to/who I've been inspired by. My friends though have always told me that I have great style and encouraged me to start a public Instagram for my outfits, but I've always been too shy. With Berriez, I can do that without showing my face!

MM: Aw, that is so sweet. And so what does Emma Zack, stylish person, wear on a first date? 

EZ: Hahahaha! I can tell you exactly what I wore on my first date with Aja. Which was three years ago, by the way! I would never wear this now. I wore tan Clarks, black opaque tights, a hunter green bodycon turtleneck midi dress (that really accentuated my curves), and a black bomber jacket. My goal was to show off my body in a modest way!

MM: Sensible. Sexy. So this would've been 2016?

EZ: Yep! Today... Hmm. I would probably still wear something to show off my body. I love my curves.

MM: Oh I'm a big show-off-on-the-first-date person. I wore the tiniest black dress on my first date with my bf. And it was also a turtleneck! I am just now realizing. I felt like it gave me that "I read books" vibe. 

EZ: Hahaha, yup! Lol. For me it was, "I listen to jazz."

MM:: Yes! Because you're a jazz singer, right? Also would love to hear about your perfume/makeup combo if you remember it! 

EZ: Yup! I sing jazz! That used to be my hobby, until I moved to New York and convinced myself that I wasn't good enough! Ha ha ha. Oh yes, I definitely remember it. I don't wear much makeup in general, so I was wearing mascara, concealer under my eyes, and maybe some chapstick! As for perfume, I was wearing Cannabis Santal by Fresh.

MM: What comes first for you, outfit or makeup or perfume? 

EZ: Outfit, always! Makeup, I don't know how to put on makeup, so I always just wear the same thing. Perfume, I rotate between the same three perfumes (that are all musky).

MM: Which are?

EZ: The cannabis one, and then these two perfume oils that I can't remember the names of.

MM: Haha it's ok! I live for musk. This is maybe tangentially related but it's where my brain is going... How do you stay authentic to yourself? I feel like as soon as I started working in fashion, I had this huge feeling of shame, that I wasn't dressing right or knew the right stuff. Do you feel that? How do you defeat it? 

EZ: I guess I don't feel it because I don't feel like I work in fashion? I mean, I suppose I do work in "fashion" or whatever, but the stakes aren't as high as working at a magazine or a blog or whatever! I just wear what I like at this point. Or what I feel like wearing! 

And, as I've gotten older and more comfortable with myself, I've started to give less of a shit about what other people think of me or the way I dress. Don't get me wrong though, sometimes I'm totally like, do I look insane??? If I go to an event dressed like this, will I fit in?!

MM: Yes! Those are my main feelings, as someone who used to wear a ton of color and print and has been shying away from it.

EZ: Meh. Sometimes I feel like Berriez to be more minimal, and I need to sell more earth tones and plain shit like most vintage shops do. But that's just not me, that's never been me. I'm a straight-up maximalist hahahaha! That's not who Berriez is or why people like it!

MM: I really admire that about you! And your business! And that you have a business, haha. 

EZ: Lol at me having a business.

MM: You do! You truly do!! Final question, since I know we've been chatting for a minute — how was your last first date? 

EZ: Welp, it was in a dark bar, and it was with a cute dude who I'm still with to this day! So, I guess you could say it was a good one. 😉

MM: Ooooooo I would say so! Thank you so much for talking to me about so many things. Do you have any digital spaces you want to shout out?

EZ: Of course!! Thank you for asking me to talk!! I'm honored!!  No, just @shopberriez!!! 😉❤

MM: You heard it hear first folks. Go follow the shop. Here*. Wow. Ok. 

EZ: LOLOL!a

[ralphmorgan-blog1]

11 Gifts For People Who’d Definitely Rather Be Sleeping Than Exchanging Presents

Have you ever noticed that finding the perfect gifts for people who love to sleep is almost too easy? You know the friend we’re referring to here, don't you? She’s easily the sleeping beauty of your squad who just #CantEven with Monday through Friday mornings. She's the BFF who you wouldn't blink twice at if you saw her shooting coffee through an IV to get her through 8 a.m. seminars and late nights at the office. Any gift that has to do with her bedroom, nighttime wardrobe, or a wind-down routine is one she's going to be grateful for because, for her, sleep is life, and she can’t get enough of it (who can?).

Plus, if you think about it, a better night's sleep is just one of those things everyone appreciates, but rarely gets enough of. Just because your giftee might be lazing in bed late into the morning doesn't necessarily mean they're getting the quality sleep the average human needs to function. In fact, if your friend is clocking in over six to eight hours of sleep every night, their bodies might be trying to overcompensate for a lack of a good rest. Therefore, as far as I see it, the most generous gift you can give them is an accessory or two to either a) better their space or b) prepare their body properly for sleep. Here are a few ideas to help you get the job done.

1A Sleek Sleep-Tracking Watch

wesoo

Wesoo K1 Fitness Watch and Sleep Monitor, $29.99, Amazon

Fitness trackers are still a thriving trend in wearable tech, but have you noticed this one major upgrade recent models have installed in their machinery?

According to a new report issued by the sleep experts at Sleep Cycle, Americans' sleep quality has decreased by 10 percent from 2016 to 2017 (ouch). I have a hunch that this might be why technology brands are issuing trackers that not only count your steps and calories burned, but that also monitor your sleep quality metrics.

Wesoo's band is a bestseller on Amazon with a 4.5 star rating and unique sleep design that truly does it all.

2Their New Nightcap

Lipton

Lipton Herbal Supplement Bedtime Bliss, $4.38, Walmart

Obviously, your girl has to switch to decaf eventually if she ever wants to fall asleep.

Remind her by gifting this doze-inducing sip from Lipton that combines chamomile leaves, mint, and orange peels to ease you into a comfortable sleep state "like a lullaby in a cup." Slip a Barnes & Noble gift card in her holiday card, and you've just set her up for the sweetest of dreams.

3A Comfy Pair Of PJs

Adore Me

Sleepwear Set in Christyna, $19.95, Adore Me

I cannot be the only person obsessed with cozy, holiday-themed pajamas. This season, Adore Me has expanded their merchandise with a ton of his-and-her styles to choose from, but the Christyna style is hands down my favorite of them all.

For some reason, black, white, and red plaid just looks like pure Christmas to me. Plus, the set is made stretchy for optimal comfort and with cotton for all the snuggly feels.

4An Aromatic Bath Bomb

Lush USA

The Big Sleep Jelly Bomb, $8.95, LUSH USA

If your giftee religiously takes baths before slipping into something comfy and hopping into bed, Lush's newest sleep-inducing bomb is about to be her new favorite bathroom accessory. It's the perfect formula to relax her body and mind, as notes of lavender, neroli, and chamomile fragrances transform her tub into an aromatic soak.

5A Soft Blanket To Snuggle Under

Bed Bath & Beyond

Madison Park Ruched Faux-Fur Throw, $39.99, Bed Bath & Beyond

Who couldn't use a gigantic throw blanket to hibernate in throughout the winter months?

Madison Park's blanket is made from 100 percent faux-fur, features micro-fur for extra warmth on those freezing nights, and it's also huge enough to share, so maybe she can finally stop hogging the covers when you sleep over.

6An Overnight Mask To Enhance Their Beauty Sleep

Too Cool For School

Too Cool For School Pumpkin Sleeping Pack, $20, Sephora

Beauty sleep isn't a myth, ladies. When you sleep better, you feel better, and when you good, you good. See how that works?

Chances are, your sleepy friend likely clocks in the recommended six to eight hours of sleep every night, which means her skin is probably glowing, but there's always room for improvement, right?

Too Cool For School's overnight mask will enhance her skin's recovery cycle with superfood ingredients and natural enzymes. Plus, it smells like pumpkin, and I can't imagine a better way to fall asleep than with the scent of pie all around you.

7An Artistic Diffuser

Saje Natural Wellness

Aromaart High Tide Ultrasonic Diffuser, $84.95, Saje

Essential oils for sleep are super trendy right now, but it doesn't look like the fad is fading anytime soon. Trust me, I'm not the type to talk up the trends if I haven't done the research myself, and diffusers are a must for bedroom.

TBH, diffusers can be super ugly and cheap-looking, but this Saje model is the prettiest piece of functional decor I've ever seen. The beautiful pattern was designed by San Francisco artist Heather Day, and was inspired by the healing powers of the deep, blue sea. So much zen, so many aromas to lull your giftee to sleep.

8A Soothing Candle

Primal Elements

Primal Elements Tahitian Vanilla Two Wick Color Bowl Candle, $19.90, Amazon

Doesn't this candle look good enough to eat? I can guarantee my 9-year-old niece had no idea just how lovely this candle was going to make my apartment smell when she gifted it to my husband and me last Christmas, but this decadent display is still burning bright, and veiling our home with the scent of sweet vanilla 12 months later.

You don't necessarily need essential oils to practice aromatherapy, and if your bestie has a sweet tooth, this yummy-scented candle from Primal Elements will have her dreaming of sugar plum fairies year round (not kidding, it's good for 60 hours of burn time).

9Go Old School With This Digital Alarm Clock

Peakeep

Peakeep Battery Digital Alarm Clock, $12.99, Amazon

I don't have to tell you that smartphones are low-key ruining our lives, especially in the bedroom (and no, I'm not referring to your libido). No matter how much a person sleeps, the blue light that shines from your cell phone is messing with your sleep cycle, but what's a girl to do when her only means of an alarm is via smartphone?

Be the best friend you are and buy your sleeping beauty a digital alarm clock. This old school model from Peakeep has a snooze option, so she can squeeze in a few extra minutes of shut-eye if and when she wants. It's also a "smart nighttime clock," which means it has sensory lights that turn a subtle blue at night.

10A Sleepy Supplement

Sun Potion

Sun Potion Organic Ashwagandha Powder, $36.99, iHerb

Adaptogens like ashwagandha are another social media trend that's actually making a difference in how people are sleeping. This is definitely the perfect gift for anyone who you know has wanted to try adaptogens for themselves, but couldn't commit to the pricy purchase.  

Trust me, I recently put Alaina Sullivan’s moon milk recipe for Bon Appétit to the test when I was tossing and turning through an awful couple of nights, and I was genuinely impressed by just how relaxed I felt by adding ashwagandha to my nightcap. Your giftee will love the combination of the powder's sleep and overall health benefits.

11Slippers They Can Sleep In

Out From Under

Out From Under Scruffy Slipper Sock, $16, Urban Outfitters

If your BFF takes a lot of heat for wearing slippers to bed, offering a pair of Out From Under's scruffy slipper socks tells them you're on their side (or, at the very least, won't judge them for it).

I'm a fan of this creamy-colored pair, specifically because they're subtle enough to wear with roomy Uggs on really cold days.

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