#i have closed in on the Problem Paragraph though! once i'm finished with that it's plain sailing | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

acceptingmyowncompany · 5 days

Text

Because Who Can I Talk To...

This post has so much potential to be cringe a year from now. Shit even months from now. I need it out of my head though

A friend of mine joked about setting me up with her friend. We met but I didnt really make a move. Too shy. She's cute though. Nice, smart, witty. It became a bit that I thought was still funny despite nothing really coming of it.

We eventually followed each other on instagram, which is good but my friend isn't riffing the bit anymore. A mutual of ours is communicating with me more often than before. Energy is weird but I'm not trying to look into it. Come to find out she likes me and I can't help but feel like thats why my friend stopped riffing the bit and advocating for me/us.

Despite that, the girl and I are kind of... idk playing tennis. Maybe fishing?! Idk the proper analogy. We are posting things kind of trying to bait the other person into interacting with it. I shouldn't say we... EYE, 100% am and she did at least once. Eventually a real conversation starts between us and it's like... legit awesome. Like she's so cool, and we've been thru some similar shit and look at the world in a similar way. I make points and she responds basically finishing my thoughts. Im like wooow we have so much in common. It excites me in a way that I haven't been excited in a LONG time. I think I'm crushing on her now... I can't wait for her to come into town.

She comes into town and I get no sleep the night before. I'm running on fumes. I have no energy to talk to her, to be charming or funny. I'm just listening and yawning a lot. I got her cookies... didnt even present them forreal. She was here for a week and that was the only day I saw her. At this point I'm FUCKING SICK. It's another display of how my friend is no longer trying to help out because she didnt try to set me up with some hangouts. Doubts about her interest because if she was hoping to see me, again you'd think the friend would hit me about plans or invite me over. I dont take initiative. Don't want to be too thirsty. I hold my L and get kinda sad because I like the feeling. I like talking to her, but it's over...

Until... the day after she gets back home, she messages me randomly about One Piece. I'm hype af. She thanks me for cookies, I apologize for zombie. We're talking again. And talking a lot. We are in constant communication. We message everyday. It's not a constant flow but it's fairly steady. We go like this for like a month and some. She's my favorite notification. I look forward to her responses and suddenly they stop. Not all together. The frequency though. A few messages a day to one a day. Now the response coming a full day or two later. Which would be completely fine if like... I didnt see she's been active mad times or when I see her message elsewhere. I'm not mad, but it makes me think.

We aren't anything. She owes me nothing. I like talking to her. Do I like her? I don't have an answer. The level of bothered I am, would imply I do, but it could just be the engagement. The attention. The fact that she activates something in my brain that hasn't been safely activated in over a decade. I don't say this to minimize her impact. I genuinely think she's special. She told me some of her story and I just wanna protect her at all costs even though we're probably not that close. I think she's great but I also still don't know her. We have yet to find a comfortable real life flow. We have yet to establish any sort of chemistry. So it's like cool, yeah we can text and send paragraphs to each other, but can we hold a conversation. Can we go back and forth without prep time?! Until we can properly test those waters, on the phone or IRL then I can't fully say I like her. Just that I like messaging her.

The problem is... does she like me?! Does she like messaging me?! Did her life get busier?! Am I boring?! I don't know how she feels about it. I try to sneak in things in the convo to like indicate I think highly of her, but I get no read on that the other way around. My friend no longer asks about it, or riffs the bit. No convo about us. Its triggering. I was often left on unopened while my friend was texting the girl I liked right in front of me. Her excuse was "oh me and him aren't having deep convo so it's easy to message back. me and you are having more in-depth convo so it requires more thought out answers." The truth was, she was fucking him and they were both hiding it from me and thus TRAUMATIZED. She can do what she wants. She can have a guy in MD, or a guy in her DMs. Again, we aren't anything, but I'd hate to get my hopes up again, just to be being placed on the back burner while she's got other stuff going on. Shits embarrassing. It's easy to feel like a loser and shit.

And so I am at an impasse. I can't be emotional about this. I can't ask for more messages, but I do want more. I want to explore what we could be, even if it's just friends. Just so I can like know its just friends. I want to talk on the phone or play a game where we can use out voices to connect instead of seining one big message a day. How can I do that?! I want to let her know I think she's dope, and I have but she's just kinda been whatever about it. Maybe thats my answer I should probably take that as an answer. I'M JUST TIRED OF HAVING TO PLAY IT COOL. I want to talk about it with somebody that can help me. I wanna be excited about the potential. I wanna laugh with her and learn more about her. I want her to know I think she's cool and I wanna talk about the future together. I wanna do things to connect with her and show her I think she's cool. But then im overbearing. I'm thirsty. I'm doing too much. Scare her away. if she's got another dude she's talking to, im humiliating myself.

I basically wanna embrace that side of life. Intimacy and romance. Connection. I wanna show her my interest and feel her interest. The push and pull. It was cool when we were playing tennis. It was amazing to go back and forth. Idk what to do. I kinda wanna end the convo and she what'll happen. But what if I just hurt my own feelings. How do I pivot the convo we have right now?! I don't know. I've gone crazy and I hate it here lmao.

Anyways, this girls cool and pretty and I wanna get to known her better like talk more intimately and frequently but I don't know if I will or if she even cares to... but I just wish I could be blunt about this thought/feeling. Who know's what'll happen next.

#introspective #writing #introspective thoughts #personal #bad writing

2 notes · View notes

thewholecrew · 10 months

Text

@headstrongblake said: sender kisses receiver to distract them. / kass & nick

she'd been at this assignment for far too long but it had slipped under the radar with everything else going on and was due tomorrow at noon. her eyes were tired as her blinks grew slow and she took a sip of her cooling coffee from where she sat at nick's kitchen table. hands then raised to gently massage her temple as she heard the front door unlock and nick call out. relief flooded through her, glad to have someone home with her now but as he joined her in the kitchen she only uttered a few words to him before she got back to work.

she didn't watch him but she saw in her peripherals as he drew closer, coming to stand behind her chair and, she assumed, read her essay over her shoulder. how long have you been at this? he asked her and she groaned softly, a pout forming on her lips as she dipped her head back to rest against him as she looked up his body. "too long..." she answered before eyes fluttered closed as his hands gently massaged her shoulders. she was beyond stiff from sitting here for far too long and a soft hum escaped her, head tilting a little to the side.

"feels nice..." she murmured before she felt him carefully brush her hair from her neck followed by his lips against the skin of it. maybe she could afford a little break, she thought as she enjoyed the sensation of his mouth, the sparks of pleasure it caused. but she was so close to finishing and she sighed softly, deciding to continued typing away, though not stopping him as she felt his lips press kisses teasingly against her jaw.

on most days she was sure she would have no problem ignoring him, simply enjoying the attention while not giving him any back but today had been dreadfully long and if she had to reread this paragraph over once more she was going to throw her laptop in the sink. a soft hum escaped as nick gave the other side of her neck his attention now, hands sliding to close her laptop in defeat as one then lifted to cup the side of his head. fingers lightly threading through his hair as he continued -- her lips curling into a slow smile. "you really do love that spot don't you...?" she asked him quietly, voice a low purr as he had very much succeeded in distracting her.

the low hum in response from him had her smile grow, eyes falling closed as she pet through his hair. "you know what i'd love?" she asked him as she slowly turned her head, hand fisting in his soft tousled strands to pull him from her neck to look at her. she could see the hunger in his eyes, see as he thought of all the different things the answer to her question could be. she was sure at least half of them were right but she answered for him, "for you to carry me to bed and give me a full body massage." it was a more selfish request, not one she asked for often even if he'd eagerly oblige.

i can definitely handle that, the desire clear in his voice had her smirk, dark eyes swirling with her own as she leaned in to kiss him softly, "well aren't you a darling?" she teased softly as she rose from her seat, turning to face him now as her arms slid up around his neck, giving a small hop as he lifted her into his. she'd be lying if seeing him at the end of the day wasn't becoming her favourite thing during all the shit going on at the moment. with the stalker, with her busy classes and endless assignments, with not seeing octavia as much, not being able to go out and have her freedom as easily. nick was far too good at settling her nerves, at easing her stress, at sating her hunger.

"mmmm, and when we're done i'm going to need you to read over my assignment," she added with a grin against his neck where she'd begun kissing, that earned a rumbled laugh from him. whatever you say, sweetheart. --- and that response had a delighted shiver run through her as it was always what she liked to hear.

#headstrongblake #verse: all american.#kassy harwell: answered ask.

8 notes · View notes

ash-morgensterns · 2 years

Text

Post Chain of Thorns Rant

Just finished the book and I have lots of thoughts.

Split in two parts because of word limit.

I'm starting with Lucie, the real MVP of this book. The way she managed to keep Lilith trapped without any pentagram or protective spell but just using her powers was some QUEEN shit. It's safe to say that in this book she totally outshone Cordelia in terms of badassery, I mean she was responsible for both holding off the Mother of all Demons all on her own and defeating Tatiana and her army of Watchers and thanks to her powers the Watchers were defeated. Of course, CC couldn't help herself and she had to throw in some drama that prevented her to be with Jesse properly until the very end, and the fact that to reach the souls of the dead Silent Brothers was to make out with him was a tad weird, but given the level of badassery she reached in this book I feel like I can close an eye on it for this once.

Now onto Cordelia.... First and foremost, she needs to cure herself of the obsession she developed towards Grace. My God, for 23 chapters it was like she couldn't go a whole paragraph without bringing her up somehow. James looked thoughtful??? Surely he was thinking about Grace. James was going to Curzon Street?? Oh yes, the house he surely bought for himself and Grace. Lucie has been distant lately?? Surely because of her new best friend Grace. Girl, get a life. Another thing that I noticed and annoyed me was how she still found every little reason to feel estranged from her group of friends, even after the conversation they had about this exact subject at the end of CoI. With Grace, it's because James has "feelings" for her (he doesn't and he told you that) and now Lucie is now dating her brother, and somehow that means that Grace is going to steal all the affection either of them felt for Cordelia??? As if people aren't allowed to have more than one friend??? And then again with Ariadne. She was engaged to Matthew's brother and she is close with Anna so they must be all friends and Cordelia literally says she feels left out because of it. Why????? You have had people falling over themselves to help you since the moment you stepped out of your carriage and you still have the courage to say they don't consider you their friend or that they would ditch you on the first occasion??? And let's not even mention her fight with Lucie!!! Lucie not telling her about the necromancy is totally justifiable and not only I'm sick and tired of people pretending it wasn't but also I really do not understand why on earth Cordelia had to go and bring up Grace (again!!!) when it's blatantly oblivious that if Lucie had been caught Cordelia would have been in deep shit too (especially since she had conveniently fled for Paris too). Meanwhile, Cordelia spent the entirety of the last book going from one place to another to solve her problem with Cortana and the only reason Lucie knows about it is that she was there when it all went to shit and Cordelia couldn't hide it from her anymore. Let's not even mention the fact that Cordelia herself told us the closest people to her were Matthew and Anna. Oh, and her using The Beautiful Cordelia against Lucie was a shitty move. Your best friend wrote you a whole-ass novel because you told her you felt lonely and bored and now you accuse her of being childish for the fantasy world she created with the sole purpose of cheering you up??? Screw You. For someone who is supposed to be the absolute protagonist of the series, she did absolutely nothing for the entirety of the book besides pining after James and unnecessarily prolonging the love triangle because she decided that maybe she was in love with Matthew instead. At first, if she couldn't lift a blade it was the paladin's excuse, but even though people kept hyping her up as the great hero who would get kill Belial when the moment comes... all she does is pass the blade to James for him to do the job himself and it's still James who tricks Lilith into freeing her from her paladin's oath. An absolute delusion.

I liked James a lot better in this book. Not that I hated him before, I just didn't really care about him. Now that CC has gotten him rid of the bracelet and was forced to write him actually interacting and caring for his friends we got a few scenes I really liked. I liked how he bonded with Jesse and how he and Matthew started opening up to each other more and how they started picking their parabatai bond back up. I also really liked the talk James and Lucie had in Cornwall after she woke up. Too bad that, for all their talks of sticking together more didn't really go far since they still didn't interact much during the rest of the book.

I overall liked how CC handled Matthew's problem with alcohol, that she showed that it's not a smooth path and that people often have relapses but I think that, to have him happy and healed in the epilogue she should have started his abstinence in the second book. Weird but not unsurprising that the other characters (especially Alastair) didn't have the same patience and kindness extended to Elias. Third consecutive book where we're told by one of his friends (in this case Anna) how they had noticed Matthew was suffering for years and yet nobody bothered to do anything or even just talk to him about it. Love to see it. I'm a bit sad to see him going off alone in the Epilogue, especially when everyone else has a companion. Not that I wanted him to be shoehorned into a super rushed romance, but I would have liked to see him travel with a friend.

If it's true that Cordelia needs to cure her obsession with Grace, then she must take Thomas with her and help him get rid of his obsession with Charles. How many times will Alastair have to tell you he doesn't care about him anymore before you stop bringing him up in every conversation you two have??? Oh, and some of his internal monologues whenever Alastair was involved felt rather cringe. I get being flustered in front of your crush but there's a limit to everything. Other than that there isn't much else to say, considering most of his plot was about his relationship with Alastair.

I feel Christopher's death could have been really interesting. By far the most interesting death in all TSC. When you think about it, by killing Christopher, Tatiana got what she had wanted all along. Revenge on her brothers. With Gideon losing Barbara to Belial's demons and Gabriel losing Christopher to Tatiana herself, both her brothers lost a child just like she had lost Jesse (in her mind because of them) all those years ago. Too bad his death scene was.... well, I'm not sure how to describe it exactly. The first word that comes to my mind is rushed. We get this super tense battle scene where you know you cannot win because your opponents keep resurrecting, you even get a scare about him (he nearly got hit by a blade) but no he's fine so we get back to the battle. Then when finally the enemy finally disperses, Lucie turns around and Anna (very calmly, absolutely chill) informs us that her brother is dead. We don't even get to know how he died right away, we need to wait for Cordelia's POV for that, and when calm settles nobody even bothers to mourn him properly because James and Matthew have been taken and that gets all the spotlight away from him... And sure, Christopher was pretty much a 2D character whose purpose was to speak of science and experiments (and being Grace's advocate in this book) and that didn't help his case, but yeah, his death was rather underwhelming. A special mention goes to the whole "James turned out fine so we should forgive Grace" thing? What the hell was that about Christopher???

[part 2]

#the last hours #the shadowhunter chronicles #chain of thorns #chain of thorns spoilers #james herondale #lucie herondale #matthew fairchild #christopher lightwood #cordelia carstairs #anti cordelia carstairs #just to be safe #thomas lightwood

34 notes · View notes

bad-author777 · 1 year

Text

BIG BULLY 3

Idk if this is too long or too short but I’ll play with the length a bit on other ones, btw this isn’t very edited past the first 3 or so paragraphs so Srry for grammer!

I heard him start to move. I was running out of time before he woke up. I bolted for one of the farthest corners of the bed that was almost completely covered with shadows. Perfect. And I made it just in time to hear a loud yawn come from the human above followed by the crashing of the bed caused by the giant human movement.

He was awake.

“April?” said the human. He had noticed I was gone. Shit. “April, where are you?” he asked, confused with sleep still lingering in his voice. I heard the bed creek and saw a giant foot set on the ground, then another. He stood up. “April! I know you're scared but please come out, I can't make sure you're safe if I can't see you!” he called only a bit above a whisper. He had started walking around and looking at things. Then he walked over and opened the door. My plan had worked! Once the door had closed and I could only faintly hear his footsteps, I slowly walked out from my hiding spot. I looked around the giant sized room, everything was so, so big. It was unnerving to be surrounded by things so big.

Where would I go? I couldn't go back to the school, he knew I was there. I definitely couldn't stay here, that wasn't even an option. I would have to find a whole new home, I didn't know how to find one. I had only ever relocated once and I had been really young then.

Flash back

************************************

It had been a normal day at my home in the walls, my mom and dad were getting ready to borrow while I was waiting at the house. Hated being stuck at home while my parents got to go out but I didn't want to break their trust so I agreed to stay home. I was an only child so I had gotten quite used to being lonely. It's not like my parents didn't love me, it was more like they didn't know how to show they loved me.

I had just finished saying good bye and they were out the door, well the hole in the wall we called a door but still. I had waited for around an hour when I started to get worried, it didn't usually take them this long to get supplies. I thought about going out and looking for them but that would cause problems if they came back to me not here. I wanted for around a day when I finally exempted it, they weren't coming back. I cried myself to sleep for days. I was only 8. I packed up all my things and the remainder of food that was left from before my parents disappeared, and put it all in one backpack. I then found a way out of the house i had lived in (or rather the house i had lived in the walls of) my whole life.

That's when I found the school. I had always thought school sounded fun. I had and still haven't ever met another borrower since. I'm surprised I didn't go crazy in all those years without talking to another person.

It had been 9 years since then and i still had nightmares about what could have happened to my parents on that one fateful night.i had gotten mostly used to it by now though and i had started to think about it less. It was still there haunting me in the back of my head.

End of flashback

**********************************

I must have been stuck in my own thoughts for awhile since i was pulled out of my trance by a giant foot lansing only a few inches from my small form. I let out a scream of pure horror. I had almost just died. This just proved the fact that i couldn't stay here. He could hurt me too easily even if it wasn't intentional. I ran for under the bed faster than i had ever run before. “April wait!” he called out as a hand reached for me. I dodged it and ran to the very back of the bed, the most shadowed part.

Noah's pov:

*****************************

‘I cant find her anywhere’ I thought to myself feeling defeated as I walked back to my room. Had she really been just a weird twisted dream? I opened my door and headed for my bed. I stopped in my tracks when i heard the tiniest terror filled scream. ‘April! But where was she?’ I looked down to see my foot inches away from her. I had almost stepped on her. I stared for a few seconds. ‘She was real! I hadn't just had a weird dream about tiny people. That would have been embarrassing.’ I snapped out of it at the same time she snapped out of her trance. I saw her run for under my bed before I could even react. “April! Wait!” I said as I reached out a hand to grab her before she was too far to reach. She dodged my hand and disappeared into the darkness.

At least I knew she was safe. Well if almost being killed by a giant foot is what you call safe that is. I got down on all fours and lowered myself onto my stomach to be closer to her level while also blocking her from running.

“April I'm so sorry. This is exactly what I meant about not being able to keep you safe when you're out of sight.” I said, sounding a bit desperate.

I looked into the shadows to try and spot April but all I saw was a glimpse of what looked like a small shadow moving around. “April….please come out. Haven't I proved I won't hurt you by now?” I asked, trying to coax her out of her hiding place. At first I was just staring into the darkness under my bed in complete silence when I heard a small voice start to speak, “no. humans can't be trusted. You are human.”she said, her voice filled with more rage than fear. “April please come out, you know theres no where you can run now.'' I said as I reached my hand under the bed. My shoulder was too wide for me to put it any deeper and I still couldn't reach her. ‘Why did I have to buy such a big bed?’ I thought as I tried to reach april. I understand she's scared but i have never actually hurt her, why is she still scared of me?

Aprils pov:

***************************

Why didn't he get it? If he were in my shoes he would be shaking in fear. Seeing his giant hand keep trying to reach me was a bit more than unnerving.

I shut my eyes tight and tried to ignore his pleas for me to come out. No way. Once I opened my eyes I saw that he wasn’t reaching for me or even on the ground anymore,he was standing up. I suddenly heard the loudest, worst and scariest sound I have ever heard. The sound of the legs of the bed being scraped across the floor. Was he moving the bed?! No! I looked up as the light illuminated my previously dark corner.

I used my hand to shield my eyes from the light. Suddenly a shadow was cast on me. I looked up to see he was reaching for me. I stood up and ran from one side of the bed to the other in seconds. Normally I wouldn’t be able to run this far this fast but the adrenaline made me much faster/stronger than i should be. He was still reaching for me but he had to push the bed more to be able to fit between it and the wall. I had reached the wall. I was cornered by him. His hand finally reached me and started to wrap its fingers around me when I, without thinking, bit him. Yes, I bit him. He moved his hand away in spires, I saw blood dripping from where I bit him. I didn't even know I could bite that hard. I took this opportunity to run between his legs and into the open space of his room.

I needed to get away. And fast.

“Oh, no you don't.” I heard him say with a slightly irritated voice. That scared me. I looked over my shoulder to see his hands were too close to dodge. I was trapped.

I looked at him one last time with teary eyes. They were a mix of sad and angry tears. As i was both desperately sad as i thought this would be my last living day i was also insanely mad at the world that put me in this situation and this boy who was doing nothing but make it worse. And scaring me to the point I was peralized. I shut my eyes tight, I refused to look the monster in the eye as I knew that's what he would want.

He lifted me to his eye level when I opened my eyes, but the only thing was blackness. I looked around but only saw blackness. Until I heard it. My mothers voice. I looked around but couldn't see her. “You failed us. You managed to break the one rule we had tried so hard to instill in you. Don't get caught.” I heard my mother say in a hatefull and disappointed tone. “N-no i-i didn't mean to! I promise!” I yelled out hoping my “mother” would hear me and not be so mad. “No this is all your fault. If you hadn't been so needy we wouldn't have died.” said my mom's voice, only it didn't seem like it was coming from someone outside but it came from inside my head. “April!” I heard the faint voice of someone calling my name but I ignored it.

“No mom! I didn't do anything!” i yelled through sobs, it was my fault. My fault they were gone. “April! What’s going on!?'' I heard this time slightly louder. I couldn't focus on anything other than all the hatfull things my mother had said in my mind. I was trapped in a prison of my own mind.

“APRIL!!” I heard someone yell. I flinched in surprise when I looked around to see the human standing with me in his hand. It had all been in my head. The words of my mother, the darkness, the feeling of guilt I felt for my parents disappearing had gotten the best of me. I must have looked insane.”w-what happened '' I looked around teary eyed. “You were running one minute and the minute my hand touched you you looked like you'd seen a ghost and weren’t responding with anything but sobs and sorrys” he replied sounding genuinely concerned. “Are you ok? What was that?” he asked but i didn't have an answer.’ No. i was not ok i was in the hands of someone who could kill me with a flick of his finger.’ is what i wanted to say but i really didn't want to have to deal with a mad human, they were bad enough just annoyed. I just looked away from him and decided to accept it, I was never getting out of here.

I kept my head turned away from the human, I couldn't,no I wouldn't look him in the eye. Suddenly out of the corner of my eye I saw his finger coming, I tried to scoot away but was met with a wall of fingers. I shut my eyes tightly and felt the tip of his finger start to move my head to face him, “april, i'm sorry you're scared but please… look at me.” he said as i tried but failed to pull my head away. Even though I was facing him I still kept my eyes tightly shut. “Well I guess we're doing this the hard way,” he said with mischief lining his voice,’ what is he planning?’ I was a little scared I had pushed his limits. Then I felt it, his fingers were poking my stomach. Not this again. My eyes shot open when a laugh erupted from my throat.

I was met with a proud look from the human, I really needed to learn his name. I started pushing his fingers away but he just kept tickling. I tried but failed to hold in a laugh. “Not this time.” he said looking in my eyes, he was enjoying this. I sent him a death glare. If glares could kill he would be long gone by now. “Don't get grumpy with me, you're the one who bit me!” he said laughing himself.

“Aren't you the one who literally moved a bed just to reach me when I obviously didn't want to come out?” I asked with a bit of sass in my voice. “Point taken.” he said stopping with the tickles. God i felt like such a child. I was being tickled by a human and i was powerless to stop it.

“Well I think I know what will cheer you up.” he said, sounding happy, too happy. I gave him a suspicious look. He brought me over to his chest and dropped me into his shirt pocket. “Hey!” i yelled trying to get out of the pocket. I was me with a finger pushing me back down to the depths of the pocket. “I need two hands, and i cant trust you to not run.” he said with a mocking ‘i had no other choice’ tone. Ugh i'm not a kid who needs to be watched at all times! Im seventeen for gods sake! He shrugged his shoulders and started to walk.

3 notes · View notes

night-garden-fic · 10 months

Text

Chapter Seven: Botanical Solutions

(Read on AO3)

"I guess it really was that easy."

Chapter Seven: Botanical Solutions

Russell woke the next morning from a shallow, restless, all-too-short sleep; feeling listless, headachy, and still faintly unsatisfied.

With what?

(The very fact that I'm not sure?)

His bed felt cold, bleak, and lonely after the previous evening of companionship and blood-hot wine. But still, he rolled out of it somewhat reluctantly; feeling profoundly disinterested in whatever might lie beyond.

Breakfast. Paperwork. That endless book, still open on my desk.

Russell sighed heavily. Somewhat dramatically, in fact, though nobody was around to hear and potentially commiserate. The gust of it rattled the hollow of his chest and got him started coughing; which in turn sprung a small leak somewhere in his nose, releasing a thin rivulet of blood that trickled down his throat and filled his mouth with salt and rust.

...This is going to be a long day, isn't it?

(You're being pessimistic again. Stop that.)

He decided to just assume, as was reasonable, that he'd feel better after some breakfast.

But, after breakfast had come and gone, Russell only found himself slouched at his desk with two slices of toast sitting uselessly inside him, their sharp corners scraping at the sensitive lining of his stomach.

He couldn't help but remember that, more often than not, the universe was quite unreasonable indeed.

Feeling at once lethargic and agitated, Russell returned to the book in front of him, and began re-reading a particularly dense paragraph for what must have been the fifth time.

This is just getting embarrassing.

(Some librarian you are.)

As that poison thought crossed Russell's mind, it brought with it a strange urge to study a certain, ancient image for any sign as to what the hell went wrong.

(You still have to ask?)

Mercifully, he managed to stop himself before he backtracked and lost yet another half hour. Instead, he laid his head down on the open pages and let out something between a deep sigh and a pained groan.

Gods, what's with all these awful noises today?

Tori—who had been busily reshelving the magic books—took notice of her employer's plight.

"...Sir? W-why don't you take a break?"

Russell propped his head in his hands, burying his face and rubbing at his tired eyes.

"Because I just want to hurry up and finish this."

His assistant regarded him skeptically.

"It... It doesn't look like you're h-hurrying much."

She had a point, but Russell was feeling stubborn. He returned his gaze to the book, then felt it penetrate straight through the pages and into the nothingness beyond.

You just need to power through.

What the hell do you think I'm doing?

The problem was that the task, like the dry toast in his belly, felt made of nothing but sharp catching edges. He could power through all he wanted, but it inevitably caught his mind in a thicket of thorns; stalling and trapping it, scraping it painfully raw.

Of course, a solution had occurred to him, but it was the last thing he wanted to be considering.

If sharp edges are the problem...

No. Not yet. It's not that bad.

(Says who?)

Russell tried, as he had tried a thousand times before, to concentrate on the page before him; finding the argument in his head much too loud.

You've used it during the day before.

Seven years ago, when that was the least of my problems.

It was Ed's idea, remember?

(You trusted him. You trust him now.)

He was at a loss. He never knew what to do with me.

Well, do you know what to do with you?

I obviously don't.

(...Now look what you did. You're not allowed to admit that. Ever.)

Feeling weary and detached from himself, Russell replaced the scraps of worn scratch paper and closed the heavy book.

"...Tori?"

At some point, while he was grappling with the book and himself, she'd moved all the way down to the children's section.

"...Y-yes sir?"

You can stop this here, you know.

(I think it's a little late to stop anything.)

"I think I'm going to have that break after all. Watch the front desk for me, will you?"

The young woman nodded smartly, sliding a thin picture book onto the shelf. Russell tried not to look too deeply into the faithful, watery blue of her eyes.

"Of course."

~*~

Russell sat on the edge of his bed, suddenly apprehensive.

Do we really want to go there?

"Want" has nothing to do with it.

In the calm sanctuary of his room, he had already begun to feel better. The whole thing was starting to seem like a bad idea. Or, at very least, a bit hasty.

You can't stay up here forever, you know. What happens when you have to go back to work?

Well, what happens when I start down this path?

Nothing you haven't dealt with before.

(Why are we tempting fate?)

Finding his hands suddenly shaky, Russell leaned forward and felt around under the mattress until he found the small wooden box hidden beneath.

It'll just be this once. At most, until you can finish the book.

You also said it would just be a few good nights' sleep. And what has it been now? Almost a fortnight?

(And you don't trust yourself to sleep without it, so why even count?.)

The red blossoms had wilted inside the box; not yet brittle, but limp and somewhat tacky, their brilliant scarlet color slightly faded.

The powder within their yellowing stems, however, was still glowing brilliantly. It was with wonder that Russell imagined how these blooms sat up here all through the day; buried in their closed box, quietly shining to themselves in the daytime dark.

If you're really going to do this, quarter the dose.

Before he got started, Russell took out his handkerchief and blew his nose, clearing away last night's clotted blood. A strange, eye-watering sensation; not exactly painful, but something close. He noted with some morbid interest that the resulting stain was shot through with fading granules of shine, like specks of mica drifting along a dark riverbed.

Sniffing back the few reflexive tears that blurred his vision, he finally selected a flower from the box, tapping a bit of powder onto the back of his hand. All of a sudden, he didn't think it quite looked like enough.

But, for daytime, it would have to do.

This might hurt.

...It always hurts.

(I'm getting used to it.)

He hesitated for a moment, then inhaled briskly, feeling his eyes welling again with the incandescent burn. The sun that flared inside him was dimmer than usual, but it still managed to light up his skull; a blaze of arterial red that soon gave way to the cool grey light of the room.

As his eyes adjusted and the burning eased, Russell wondered if he'd taken enough to do anything at all.

Maybe I should just...

No. That's all.

(Just yet.)

Russell remained perched on the edge of the bed for some minutes, smelling dirty copper mixed with nectar and salt, thinking of nothing in particular.

He couldn't say when he began to feel different, or even exactly what was different. It wasn't the heavy drowsiness that he'd grown accustomed to with his nighttime dose, but something more like sitting slightly to the left of himself, with a layer of thick, tempered glass forming around his brain.

In this state, the boy in the picture wouldn't call to him.

We no longer belong to each other.

Not even Russell's own hands, folded neatly in his lap, seemed quite like they belonged to him. His head floated somewhere above his body, finding it an awfully silly thing to have to carry around. The sensation was slightly disturbing, and he began to think that he'd just made a grave mistake.

It's okay. This is just how you need to be right now.

("Right now" can be a very long time.)

He shook his head, then patted his cheeks briskly, gently shocking himself into a modest alertness.

Back to work.

Before heading downstairs, Russell stopped by the bathroom mirror, just to make sure everything was in order.

Shit... I'm still bleeding.

Lucky for him, it was a weak trickle, and easy enough to discreetly staunch with a bit of balled-up toilet roll.

You're okay.

(Liar.)

With the leak stemmed, Russell turned on the tap and splashed his face with water, then regarded himself again. His eyes looked a little glassy, but no more than they did during his long periods of sleeplessness and melancholy.

The only one who ever noticed that was Sabrina.

(And Edward.)

...Maybe. He's so vague and clinical about everything.

Well, either way, I don't think either of them are coming in. You look fine.

(Liar.)

Russell figured he might look a little better if he managed to smile, so he practiced a few times in the mirror, making sure to get it right. And, when he was finally satisfied, he headed downstairs.

Back to the Library.

Back to the world that he had, so painstakingly, built to hold himself.

When he returned, Tori was seated at his desk; sweet shy face buried in a romance novel, fingers absent-mindedly playing with the end of one braid. She seemed contentedly transfixed.

She's so gentle. So thoughtful.

(She works so hard.)

Russell's blank face broke into a fond, unpracticed smile.

"Okay, kiddo... I can take it from here."

~*~

I guess it really was that easy.

Though he was still reading through a thick haze, Russell supposed that this one—medicinal, self-induced—was a degree less noxious, at least for the time being. He did notice he wasn't retaining as much as he'd normally like, but the pages kept turning.

And that, he figured, was good enough.

Where have I heard that before?

Russell knew he had a tendency to sacrifice all kinds of things on the altar of "Good-Enough." Good-enough sleep, good-enough eating, good-enough parenting, good-enough days.

And now—somewhat blasphemously—good-enough reading.

On one hand, when he was stuck in the past, or not sleeping, or drifting in a medicated haze, or simply in a protracted low mood, accepting good-enough was one of the few mercies he could offer himself.

On the other, he'd all but forgotten how to ask if things could be better.

All he knew was that they could, of course, be worse. So he sat complacently at his desk, making good-enough progress through the dense book, and wanting for nothing else. Until, eventually, the small dose wore off; the sharp, snarled, distracted feeling returning with a vengeance.

Ignoring a chorus of troubling impulses, Russell sat the thick volume aside and took up his paperwork.

Now you know it works. There's always tomorrow.

And the next day?

(And the next, and the next, and the next...)

...I'll handle it when the time comes.

He shuffled through the papers on his desk, placing them in the familiar, baroque order of priority that made sense only to him. Most of it was correspondence relating to the acquisition of new and rare books, which still filled him with a giddy excitement. Russell took out his pen and letterhead, and set to work.

Russell worked steadily for an hour and a half. Midway through, Tori left to head back to the farm, whispering her shy goodbyes and leaving him alone with the still silence of the Library, broken only by the hush of paper on paper.

Until, just as he was about to wrap up for the day, an unseen visitor's sudden voice sent him leaping out of his chair, every nerve buzzing and crackling as his body readied itself to fight for his life.

"...Hey, Russell!"

Russell whipped around so fast that it felt as though his brain didn't quite rotate along with his skull, and was met with a rather confused-looking Raguna.

"Oh... Hello, Raguna."

All at once, his shoulders sagged. He stood there panting for a moment, then swallowed hard, as though trying to gulp down his own pounding heart. Raguna shuffled his feet awkwardly.

"Um... Hi."

Poor kid's probably just as startled as I am.

Though the way he'd just reacted certainly didn't show it, Russell genuinely liked Raguna. The young farmer was a likable man to begin with, and the fact that he was Tori's beloved husband, Cecilia's dashing hero, and something of a regular in the Library's magic section didn't hurt.

But he was a strange combination of stealthy and boisterous, and didn't have much of a sense of his own volume. So, needless to say, this wasn't the first time he had sent Russell flying. He'd gotten a bit better about it since learning the broad strokes of Russell's past, but one can only do so much about one's natural mannerisms.

Russell exhaled slowly, then pasted on a well-practiced smile.

"Yeah... Hi. So! What brings you in?"

Raguna lowered his voice considerably, and Russell was a bit touched at the effort.

"Sorry I spooked you there... Anyway! Ceci and Nicky are hanging out at the farm, and I don't know how exactly we got on the subject... But now they're wanting to stay over so they can help me out with the Monsters in the morning. I just came from Sabrina's, and she's okay with it, so..."

(...No. I want her here.)

"I don't have any problem with it. Just bring her back in one piece, okay!"

Russell smiled, stuffing down his strange initial objection. He didn't know where it had come from, only that it was accompanied by a vague, yet oddly sickening dread.

Raguna grinned in return.

"I always do!"

A private, morbid joke.

"And I really appreciate that... Thanks for telling me."

Try, "she owes you her life, you know."

"No problem. See you around, Russell."

Try, "which means, I might actually owe you mine."

"Yeah... See you... We should be getting some new magic books in next week."

Raguna beamed at the good news.

"I'll be there!"

With that, he was out the door and down the street, spreading his noise and cheer elsewhere.

Then the empty Library was silent once more; so silent that it made Russell's ears ring.

He sat down and listened to the ringing for a few minutes, felt as his heart shook off the last of the racing terror. His body was calming down, but his mind still felt dull and stunned. He hated it, how a particularly acute startle could sometimes take him out of commission for hours.

Years ago, Edward had told Russell that this would improve with time, but he was still waiting.

You could...

...We're not doing that.

If you just get right in bed, it won't mean anything.

It's barely evening. That would mean something in and of itself.

You didn't even want to get out of bed in the first place, remember?

Russell rubbed his aching temples, then took his pen and signed the last letter of the day, hoping the recipient would forgive the great black gash of ink sprawling over the paper, marking the moment when Raguna made him jump. With a sigh, he picked up the pen one more time

P.S. Noisy client, sorry.

A quick arrow pointing up at the mess, and he figured he'd done what he could. The letter went in an envelope, and Russell dragged himself from behind his desk. Finally, he could lock the door for the night. The heavy metallic chunk of the bolt sounded like closure, and a job well done.

I'm not going to bed, but I guess we could compromise.

Still feeling somewhat dazed, Russell left the silent, dust-scented world of the Library and retired to his small kitchen. He paused for a moment, wondering if he might be playing with fire.

It's all out of your system. You'll be fine.

Indeed, he could feel for himself that the calm sedation of the Lamp Grass was gone without a trace.

It was time for something else.

Russell reached into one of the higher cabinets and took down a bottle of cheap red wine, then rummaged through a messy drawer until he found the corkscrew. He almost reached for a water glass to drink from, but thought better of it. Even though he wasn't quite sure if he'd kill the bottle, he wasn't sharing with anyone, so it felt pointless to dirty a cup.

The cork was almost deafening in the thick evening quiet of the house, but Russell was prepared for the sound, and remained impassive. With the bottle open, he considered his options for a few moments, then slid down to sit on the floor. Sitting at the table, too, seemed a little pointless when he would be the only one drinking.

Kind of sad, when you think of it that way.

Well, I don't. I'm just being pragmatic.

He took a long drink from the bottle, then sat it down on the floor beside him. The wine was plain and flat, devoid of any fortifying heat or spice. But its dark red taste still made him think of the previous night.

Of Edward, and the moon, and what he might not even know he didn't know.

As he took another sip, Russell felt an echo of that odd dissatisfied feeling.

Don't bother thinking about it. You don't even know where this all comes from.

(That's why I can't stop thinking about it.)

Even so, the small reminder of his night with Edward certainly wasn't a bad thing.

I wish he was here now.

(No, you don't. He'd have some choice words for you today.)

Drinking alone, he realized, was much like drinking with Edward.

Because, at the end of the night, it always brought the same nagging feeling that he'd squandered some opportunity. For adventure, for closure, for the formation of a memory so beautiful that it drowned out the painful ones forever. Invariably, something that would sound ridiculous out loud.

And, of course, he was never sure exactly what was supposed to have happened.

So yes, drinking alone was much like drinking with Edward.

But, it was also different.

Specifically, it was usually worse.

Because, of course, he was alone.

And, alone, Russell sometimes didn't know when to stop.

~*~

He wasn't really sure how he ended up on the edge of town.

Originally, he had left the house thinking he might go see Edward.

The way the taste of wine made Russell long for their night together had become almost unbearable, and he felt like he would have done anything for some company. He was actually standing on the Clinic's doorstep when he finally realized that Edward probably wouldn't appreciate him showing up unannounced; likely just after dinner, and with a full bottle of wine under his belt besides.

But, once he was out, he couldn't bear the thought of going back in; back to the world of dust and paper and silence. He briefly thought of going to the Pub, but he wasn't sure he wanted to dig himself in any deeper, so he thought better of it. Eventually, Russell decided to just go for a clumsy, meandering walk through the snow and see where it took him.

He hadn't intended to go this far.

Or, perhaps he had.

Didn't want to admit to yourself where you were actually going?

No, he truly didn't. Didn't want to admit that, to some terrible end unknown even to himself, he was basically going out of his way to further damage his own mind.

You know how this might make you feel.

I don't even know where I'm going.

(Yes, you do.)

I'll just stumble across it.

It's not the kind of thing you can "just stumble across."

(Do you not realize this whole argument is a paradox?)

Paradoxical, accidental, intentional, sickly self-damaging... Whatever it was, he'd done it.

Russell found himself walking the road that led out of Kardia.

Where the dead tanks still sat, too heavy and overgrown to move.

He'd known, of course, that they'd been here for some time. Their very presence was one of the things that hovered over him on those long, sleepless nights. Many times, he'd dared himself to come out here, just to see, just to...

(Finish what I started?)

...He wasn't really sure, now that he'd finally taken himself up on it.

Like drinking with Edward, or drinking alone, there was a sense of deferred closure. The tanks were slightly smaller than he'd been remembering, and were so inert that they might as well have been any overgrown boulder on this shady, wooded path.

Why are you surprised? It's always smaller than you remember.

(Can people help how they remember things?)

Tentatively, Russell extended a shaky hand. Then, brushing a few dead vines aside, he placed it on the frigid metal body of the tank.

He waited for a while, but he didn't feel anything but cold.

And half-drunk. And stupid. And a little pathetic.

After a while, his knuckles began to ache, and the skin of his palm began to tingle, so he pulled his hand away and stuck it in his pocket, which didn't seem all that much warmer.

Still feeling muzzy and off-balance from the wine, and slightly exhausted from the long walk, Russell sat down in the snow, resting his weary back against the tank's heavy treads.

Tonight, he would watch the sunset alone.

#rune factory #rune factory 1 #rf1 russell

1 note · View note

act-novel · 2 years

Text

Development Notes #2 | First Layer Release!

Note: This development notes entry was originally posted to act-novel.itch.io on February 14th, 2023. It has been carried over to this blog for posterity.

Hello, again. This is Garrett Thompson, sole member of Act-Novel.

As promised in the previous Development Notes entry, I've been hard at work finishing the first major "chunk" of content for this project-- the first "layer", or "act", as I called it in said entry.

As anticipated, audio production took up the bulk of development time between October and December, as well as a bit of time in January. During this period, I wrote and produced 17 musical tracks (not including adaptive variants) as well as 173(!!) distinct sound effects. This was difficult, and I never want to do it ever again. But... I almost certainly will. Sigh...

Starting in mid-January, I conducted a small closed beta test of the game, partly to iron out its (many, many) performance and stability issues prior to releasing at a wider scale, and partly to gather general feedback from friends and acquaintances about its creative direction. Apart from a few especially tricky-to-diagnose bottlenecks, the technical deficiencies of the project were simple to resolve, and the state of the code is much more solid than it was two months ago.

"More solid" doesn't necessarily mean "solid", of course. There is an understandable limit to how many different hardware configurations I can test the game on using this methodology. Thus, how these improvements will translate to the game's release into the wider world is anyone's guess. I can only pledge that I will do my utmost to continue supporting the game in the weeks following release as bug reports continue to roll in, as they almost certainly will.

Did I mention that Act-Novel has an official support email, [email protected]? I hear it's a good place to send bug reports and other technical issues...

Fortunately as far as "my pride" is concerned, the creative side of the project was not the subject of any significant grievances during this test. How this will translate to the wider release, much like the technical side of things, is also anyone's guess. However, also fortunately for "my pride", grievances tend to manifest as apathy rather than outrage for a project of this size and level of visibility, meaning I won't be able to tell if people hate it or not. That means there's basically no pressure. Whew!

More to the point, as I'm sure you can infer from the paragraphs above (as well as the header image), the first "layer" of Reality Layer Zero is, at this time, finished! It's sitting on my hard drive (and in other places as well, in case of arson or unexpected volcanic activity), fully playable and feature-complete. Wow! So what's the hold-up? Why not release it right now??

Well, several reasons. Here they are in bulleted-list form:

It seems like a good idea to me to let the small following I have know about the release date in advance. More chances for people to hear about it, and fewer chances for people to miss it-- I'm generally amenable to both of those effects.

I still want to run through the "release candidate" build of the game once or twice, myself, to see if there's anything in there that 1). would drive me crazy if I left it in there for the release, and 2). might not have been noticed by a playtester. This encompasses silly or esoteric bugs, subtle mistakes in the script or artwork, audio issues, and the like. At the moment, I'm quite exhausted from having just recently finished developing all of the content, though, so I don't want to dive back into testing just yet. A two-week buffer guarantees I have a comfortable amount of time to do this and, subsequently, fix the problems that I find.

It's good to wait before releasing something, just as a general rule. Not only does it grant you the ability to make last-minute corrections, waiting also allows you to acquire some level of emotional distance from the outcome of the release. That is to say, the distance makes the unpleasant emotions one tends to feel during this immediately-post-release period (both external and internal in origin) somewhat easier to cope with. I find the release of a project, in many regards, the most disagreeable part of its lifecycle, so this waiting period is necessary just for my own sake.

I (probably) need to update the store pages to better reflect the Visual Novel-y aspects of the game more, which have a greater emphasis than I had previously stated. I also need to take screenshots from moments in the game that didn't exist at the time I created the store pages.

That's broadly the reasoning. As you can tell from the header image, the current planned release date is February 28th, 2023 (the last day of the month, in fact). This is not likely to change... but there's nothing specifically holding me to that date, so, you know, maybe it will.

... Probably not, though.

As mentioned in the header image, the release of the first layer will be temporarily restricted to itch.io. I do, of course, plan on eventually releasing the first layer onto Steam. For now, though, this will be the place for it. My reasoning here is pretty simple: I expect the volume of players on Itch to be orders of magnitude lower than on Steam. Itch is a smaller platform, after all. I hope that this will make the process of addressing issues discovered post-launch far less hectic for me. I hope.

Once I feel that the itch.io release is solid, the very same version will be made downloadable through the Steam client as a public demo. If you'd prefer to download the game through Steam, you will not likely have to wait for very long following the Itch release to do that. As to specifically how long you'll have to wait, I'm not quite sure yet, but I think less than one month is probably a reasonable estimate.

In summary: Game done, short wait. First Itch, then Steam. Please play! I'm tired.

Thank you for reading. As always, thoughts or questions are welcome.

I hope you come back on February 28th (or, you know, whenever) to play through the first layer!

#gamedev #indiedev #indie games #debate #reality layer zero #programming #pixel art #release

0 notes

dizzydancingdreamer · 3 years

Text

Steve Rogers, The Man On Fire

Hey y'all, as Pride month draws to a close I would like to post this fic. It's been in my drafts for a month and I finally today found the motivation to finish it. This is special to me for many reasons, one of which being that I'm proudly a part of this community. Some of the anger written in is my own. I think a lot of people will resonate with it. I really hope you all enjoy this and happy Pride Month <3

This was based loosely off a headcannon and once I re-find it I will credit!

Synopsis: Steve is freshly thawed, queer, and pissed | A.k.a. Steve's experience in 21st Century America

Characters: Steve Rogers, Mentions of Bucky Barnes, (loosely a Stucky fic but Steve thinks he's dead here)

Warnings: Angst but not bad, Steve Rogers being volatile and chaotic (we love), poorly written accents (I literally read this with an accent in my head), literally a 2k monologue

Word count: 5.1k

Steve Rogers came out of the ice angry.

No— not angry— Steve Rogers came out of the ice fuckin’ furious.

He came out of the ice with his hands curled into two fists, with his jaw clenched so hard his teeth were liable to snap, and with a bone to pick with every damn reporter and historian and too loud opinion on this side of the Brooklyn Bridge.

He came out simmering— no, erupting— like the serum in his blood couldn’t keep his body from hibernation all those years ago but it sure as hell won’t keep him from setting the entirety of New York on fire now. He’ll burn it all down if he has to and rebuild it the way he remembers it— the way Bucky would have remembered it— and at the end of it all no one— not the bigots or deniers or the homophobes that seem to be the only thing that came with him from the forties— will be able to say that Captain America can’t love whoever he wants.

No one will be able to say that Steve Rogers didn’t love James “Bucky” “the man I’ve loved since twelve years old” Barnes with everything he had and then some.

No one.

So he starts with the museums in Washington— because sure it isn’t New York but where else would a relic like himself belong more?

He still has hope when he enters the building. They didn’t make them like this when he was a kid— they had science fairs in the town hall and culture fairs in the backstreets near the docks but never anything this grand. No tall marble pillars or enough stairs to make him wonder if he would have been able to climb to the top when he was half the size he is now. It’s strange. It’s kind of wonderful. Yeah, the Smithsonian museums make Steve Rogers feel small for the first time in a very long time and that gives him hope.

That hope doesn’t last long, though, because soon he’s wandering through the halls, following the signs that say Captain America: The First Avenger— what the hell is an Avenger? Is that what they’re calling soldiers these days? Now he feels small and old.

Turning the corner is like landing on another planet, one devoted entirely to him. His picture is everywhere he looks, his name is in lights, even his damn uniform has been replicated and presented on a little stage and he hates it. The rage is back, sparking at his fingers— he’s a match and lucky for everyone this building is made of stone because if it wasn’t he’s sure it would be reduced to nothing but ash by now.

It only worsens as he begins reading through the plaques and the paragraphs flashing across screens on the walls— he doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to that. The more he reads, though, the more he wonders if the stone is really, truly safe from the fire in his blood. He doesn’t think it is.

He surely isn’t at least— he feels like he’s going to explode. This isn’t him— none of this is him. War hero. Martyr. Golden boy. He has to stop reading that plaque— clearly no one did their research. Clearly no one dug up his medical files— or his police records. Brawls at the pub, disorderly conduct behind Mr. De Luca’s sandwich shop, public nudity at the beach that one time— thank you Bucky for the best night of his god damn life. Golden boy— ha.

Golden nobody with the black eye and broken hand is more like it.

For a moment he thinks he’s fine— he thinks it can’t get worse than this. Then he gets to the early life section and for an even longer moment his tongue tastes like gunpowder.

Steven Grant Rogers grew up in the streets of Brooklyn alongside his friend James Buchanan Barnes—

He can’t bring himself to finish the sentence— not when they already got the most important part wrong. Friend. Friend? No, no, no. No! There are a million words in the english language that Steve could use to describe Bucky and ‘friend’ will never be the first one.

How about best friend?

How about partner in crime?

How about soulmate who loved Steve so much that every night for the past forty-eight days since he woke up in an era that Bucky doesn’t exist in he’s cried himself to sleep with the same cherry cola taste of his ‘friend’ on his tongue.

It’s the final straw— Steve loses it.

“Anyone got a marker?”

The museum is quiet before he speaks but when his voice— steadily rising and taking on that New York headiness that his troops used to jazz him about— cuts through the exhibit— his fuckin’ exhibit— it’s silent. It’s dead, almost as dead as Buck— Nobody dares move a muscle as he rips his ball cap off his head and throws it at the statue of himself. Everyone knows who he is— everyone is going to know who he is so help him god.

“I said—” he tries again— “does anyone have a marker?”

It takes a moment for the people around him to pick their jaws up off the floor and he allows them that moment with a smug grin starting to tug on the corners of his lips. Finally— they’re starting to get it.

He’s not a hero; he’s a supernova of every scrawny, queer kid who’s ever gotten beaten to a pulp for kissing who they want.

Maybe then it’s fitting that the marker— when it’s finally produced and placed in his waiting palm— comes from a teenage girl with a shaved head and a blue, pink, and purple denim jacket and a busted lip. She doesn’t say much— only a mumbled here you go— but her eyes say everything that her words don’t. Give em’ hell, Cap. For the first time since waking up he flashes a genuine grin back— yeah, this one’s for you kid.

Steve wastes no time uncapping the sharpie— he’ll look that one up later— and scratching out the error. The blasphemy to his unholy name. It takes him a little longer to decide what to write in its place. There are a million words, sure, but somehow none of them feel right at this moment. None of them are enough. That’s something he’ll have to come to terms with later, though— how much nothing feels like enough anymore without Bucky.

Finally Steve settles on a word and he scribbles it as neatly as he can given the fact that he hasn’t had to write anything in eighty years. When he takes a step back, feeling alive for the first time since waking up, he beckons over the girl with the shaved head and points to the place where he’s taken it upon himself to correct history.

“Hey kid, why don’t you go ahead and read that outloud for everyone here.”

He allows another moment— this time because she deserves the time it takes for her eyes to light up and the smile to stretch across her bruised mouth.

Steve laughs— a rusted, croaky laugh; another first in forever— when her head whips around, facing him as she loudly proclaims: “It says boyfriend. Steve Rogers grew up in the streets of Brooklyn alongside his boyfriend Bucky Barnes!”

“Damn right I did—” he mutters to the kid before taking a step towards the crowd of gaping mouths. “Did you all hear that? Don’t worry if ya’ didn’t— I’ll say it one more time. Boyfriend. Bucky was my boyfriend and if he was here today he would be my husband. If any of you have a problem with that then feel free to take it up with me. I took on half of Brooklyn for that man and I’ll do it again.”

When no one says anything Steve nods, turning to hand the girl back her marker and to thank her— he may be angry but he hasn’t lost all his manners— but when he looks at her she doesn’t look back. Instead she takes the same step forward that he had, one of her hands balled into a tiny, shaking fist at her side and the other wrapped around a cell phone that’s pointed towards the crowd. He doesn’t understand the mechanics but he thinks she’s recording.

“You hear that?” She parrots the super soldier with a wavering but fierce voice. “Captain America likes men! And none of you can deny it!”

This time it’s his mouth that drops, watching as she shakily turns the camera off and spins back around. Before Steve can say anything, though, she’s talking again, this time hastier, and he can’t help but think that she sounds so much like him. All flushed and scrawny and pissed.

“I’m sorry, I’ll delete the recording if you want but, I jus’ know these bigots are gonna’ try and cover everything up and that would be a fuckin’ shame. I don’t know if you know how many kids need to hear this. I did— and I think they should too. Only if you want, of course.”

He doesn’t answer right away— he can’t. It’s like looking at himself at fifteen. Suddenly he’s back again, his feet hanging in the water as his boyfriend paces behind him, asking if he’s ready to have him look at his knuckles yet. He didn’t get that many good punches in— the scrapes are mostly from the pavement— but Buck always worries too much so it doesn’t matter. The protective idiot.

Steve shakes his head, blinking away the sunset lingering behind his eyes. “Bucky woulda’ loved you, kid.”

The next time he loses it— the next time he turns into more flame than man— is after he saves the city he’s been trying to burn down for three months.

It isn’t long after that day in the museum when Nick Fury decides it would be best for everyone if Steve goes back into the field. Of course, no one really asks him what he wants— they pretty much just shove a new suit into his hands and tell him to get training, Captain— but what else is new?

No one really comments on his outburst besides that either. Can you really call it an outburst when you’re just trying to reclaim the parts of you that have been stolen? Sure, the press gets a hold of the story and, true to what the kid had said, tries to twist it into something more digestible, but no one actually addresses it up with Steve. Apparently when someone saves the world as good as he does no one cares that they kiss men.

Or that they don’t wanna’ to actually save the world anymore.

See, in those three months— between the training and training and even more training that Steve Rogers begrudgingly obliges— he has time to catch up on the world. More importantly, he has time to catch up on what the world thinks of him. He scours a plethora of documentaries, scholarly essays, and whole books of information about his time as Captain America. Well— his time as Captain America when it mattered. In all his scouring he learns one thing: everything written about him is wrong.

It’s all so fuckin’ wrong.

Just why the hell would he want to save a world so bent on destroying who he is?

The Smithsonian exhibition was nothing compared to what’s been written in the eighty years he spent in the ice. Better yet, nothing compared to what hasn’t been written about him. They’ve taken an eraser to every part of his life that doesn’t fit with the golden image that they constructed for him. A.k.a. every part that matters. His relationship, his past, every little thing that made him supposedly perfect for the role he was given. Gone. Erskine told him he was a good man— apparently he was the only one who thought so.

Apparently being a good man isn’t good enough.

They only wanted the perfect soldier. Yeah, well, they had one and they fucked him over too. Don’t even get him started on what they did to Bucky— Steve doesn’t want to think about what Winnifred— Winnie for short— Barnes would do if she saw the history books erasing her baby’s Jewish roots. Or his relationship. It wouldn’t be pretty, that’s for damn sure. If ever there was someone more protective than Bucky it would have been his mother. Not that there’s a damn note about her in anything either though.

Maybe that’s the final straw that does him in this time— watching the place that Mrs. Barnes loved more than almost anything else in the world crumble, while also knowing that the world no longer gives a shit about the two people she loved more.

“Mr. Rogers, this is where you grew up, is it not? Is there anything you would like to say about what took place here in your home city today?”

Maybe he pretends not to hear the last part— maybe he really does only hear up until where the reporter asks him if there is anything he wants to say. He’s been around quite his fair share of explosions; it would make sense that his hearing is a little off. Maybe he just doesn’t care anymore, though.

Scratch that— he definitely doesn’t care anymore.

And why the fuck should he? He does have something to say and propriety be damned he’s going to say it.

Steve stares into the crowd of faceless reporters and flashing cameras with a scowl on his grimey face. Around him stand the other Avengers— his ‘team’. The last time he had a team the historians screwed up the history for every single member. Dugan, Morita, Falsworth, Jones, Dernier, Sawyer, Juniper, Pinkerton. Barnes. All of them were brave men with families and sacrifices and all of them were treated like jokes by ‘reporters’ just like the ones in front of him now. He really doubts there’s a difference between old and new journalism.

The only difference is that now he’s here and this time he’s not going to let them write anything but the damn truth.

“It is—” Steve muses, brushing the sweaty hair from his forehead— “I’m surprised you know that though.”

The reporter cocks his head, clearly confused, and it makes the super soldier’s blood boil. “Come again, sir?”

“I said I’m surprised you know where I was born, kid.” This time when he says the word— kid— it’s derogatory. “Ya’ know, considering how you all seem to know nothing about me otherwise.”

Steve almost smiles at the way the crowd tenses. He actually would if it weren’t for the white hot rage coursing through his veins, mingling with the last of the adrenaline leftover in his system. It gives him an extra kick— not that he needs it. Even when he was just a runt from the wrong side of the tracks he needed nothing more than an offhand comment to raise his fists. Fighting to Steve Rogers has always been intoxicating— the aftershocks of winning the battle just makes it more thrilling now.

Who knew, right?

“Sir I asked—” The reporter sputters and Steve simply holds a hand up, silencing him before he can start again.

“Yeah I know what you asked, alright. You want me to talk about the battle here in New York today and how I am more than happy to have risked my life to save it. But I can’t do that, kid. Because I didn’t save it for you. I didn’t save it for any of you.”

Steve feels his team tense— maybe were it any other time he would stop talking. He would just leave it, let the issue go, because Bucky would tell him too. They aren’t worth it, bruiser, he would say, they aren’t worth your blood. Maybe he would listen to his boyfriend because usually he was right. Bucky was always right. So yeah, maybe he would list—

Who is he kidding; he knows he wouldn’t.

Not then and certainly not now— not when Bucky isn’t here to defend himself against everything Steve has been reading about. That’s exactly why he doesn’t stop talking. Someone has to defend him and who better of a person than him? So, yeah, he keeps going, even when he hears footsteps behind him.

“You wanna’ know who I did save it for? James Barnes, that’s who I saved it for! You see, just around that corner there is a bookstore. Rickley Books. That was my boyfriend's favourite bookstore. You know, the man who gave his life to stop a train in Austria from reaching the enemies? Yeah that was him. That train was filled with supplies. Had it reached their headquarters, who knows if we’d be standing here today. If there would be a New York at all. Not that you would know that. But who cares about that dead sergeant from the 107th, right? There’s plenty just like him.”

Steve shrugs nonchalantly— a move he picked up from the very man he’s speaking about— but he spits his words at the reporters with enough venom to cancel out any peace that the action brings. That’s his own move.

He keeps going. “You know who else I saved it for? His mother. Yeah, his mother Winnie Barnes. Wonderful lady. She used to run a soup kitchen a couple blocks from here. Kept the rift raft like myself from going hungry most nights— I was a brawler, you know.”

A couple of reporters in the crowd laugh at that and Steve flinches, his vision tinting red as he cranes his neck, seeking them out.

“Oh you think that’s funny, do you? You think I’m joking? I’m not. You ever been backed into a corner, son? Had people hurl slurs at you that I can’t even repeat today? Ever been beaten up for loving your best friend? No, I bet you haven’t. You weren’t a queer kid in the thirties. That’s hard— that’s borderline impossible actually. I only made it because of people like Winnie Barnes. That woman was a saint but nobody talks about her either.”

Steve has to take a deep breath, clearing the rasp in his voice that rises as he dwells on the woman he called his second mother for so long. She wasn’t just a saint, she was an angel. He can’t cry here though, not now. Not even as his throat begins to tighten.

“Winnie was the type of lady who didn’t let anyone walk over the little people. She used to sit me down and say Stevie you gotta’ fight for what you want because ain’t nobody gonna’ give it to you. She told me that I shouldn’t have to but that there were going to be people who would try to tear me down just for being me. And she was right— just like her son— because that was the era, you know? But now, here in the twenty-first century, you’re all still trying to tear us down.”

A hand lands on his shoulder, small fingers tugging at where his suit has begun to tear. Natasha Romanoff. He meets her gaze quickly, neck craning to stare down the red head, and in the few seconds their eyes meet it’s like Bucky is next to him. Somehow the blue in her irises catches the falling sun just like his used to. Steve can hear the gruff of his voice in the depths of his mind. Back down, bruiser. The sentiment is echoed across Nat’s face.

Steve shakes her hand off him, turning back to the reporters— don’t they know that he can’t?

“You all say you care about me, huh? That I’m a hero? You know nothing about me— you don’t want to. Before I was a soldier I was a kid. A queer kid. I said that already but let me repeat it. Queer. Did you write that down? None of you certainly did before. That’s how I know that you don’t care— because in an age where being queer is infinitely more accepted you still don’t bother to write it down.”

He pauses for another breath, shutting his eyes against the blinking red lights of the cameras. They’re like little demons, always watching his every move. Recording. Everything’s always recorded these days. Will he ever be used to that? Bucky was the technology guy, not him. Not then and not now.

When Steve picks up again— eyes open and shoulders freshly straight— it’s on a new note— a clear note.

“You don’t care about me— you certainly don’t care about the real heroes of the war because if you did you wouldn’t erase our history. Do you know how much it would have meant to Bucky to see our relationship accepted? The man who died for you? How much it would’ve meant to his mother? You can’t just pick which of our stories and our sacrifices are worthy and which aren't.”

He hasn’t spoken this much since he’s woken up, not all at once at least. Maybe he should have, though— maybe if he had then he wouldn’t feel like ripping the heads off everyone in front of him right now. Call it fight or flight. Call it revenge. Hell, call it whatever you’d like because it doesn’t really matter. Either way he feels like a kid again— again— backed into a corner behind the deli with his fists up and his teeth bared.

He feels feral again.

“So now you just want me to save the world like I did— like Bucky did— all those years ago— or maybe jus’ New York— as if that’s any better— and you don’t even bother to write a proper article about me? Hell, I never even asked for an article, let alone a whole exhibit! I’m just a soldier— and before that I was just a kid. If there’s never another article written about me I’ll be grateful. But now that I’m here, standing in front of you, I’ll say this—”

Just as Steve’s voice is cresting into a shout that would no doubt be heard regardless of whether or not the microphones were in front of him, Natasha tries one more time, her fingers slipping between his.

Her voice is a dull buzz compared to his, only reaching his ears by sheer will. “C’mon Stevie— we gotta’ go now.”

Like before he’s stunned but this time instead of seeing Buck— instead of hearing him in his head— he hears Winnie.

You fought good, honey. You fought good for us. You can rest now.

It’s jarring and it’s not lost on him the handful of awkward seconds that it takes for him to respond. That’s just the effect Winnie had on people though— still has, apparently. Steve shakes his head— I know, mama. But I gotta’ finish this fight.

“No, Nat— I’ve got to say this.” Steve mumbles— voice just beginning to waver despite how hard he clenches his jaw— before sneering at the crowd one last time.

“If I ever read an article from any of you that discredits Bucky Barnes, our relationship, or myself just know that I’ll come for you. I’ll come for this city. Don’t you ever forget who I saved it for. James Barnes, Winnie Barnes, and every queer kid who’s ever felt erased because of people like you. The bigots in the forties couldn’t stop me. The Nazis couldn’t stop me. Not even the Atlantic Ocean could stop me. So don’t think for a second that any of you could either. Have a good day.”

With that Captain America turns, marching off the impromptu stage and beginning the trek back to his apartment. He doesn’t bother looking at his team as he passes them— he can imagine their stunned faces well enough on his own. No doubt he’ll be getting another assignment from Fury soon enough to make up for this ‘outburst’ too. Still, he feels a little bit better. There’s an ache in his shoulder, and one under his ribs too, but he still smiles as he passes Rickman and Sons Books. That must mean something good.

The last time Steve Rogers burns he doesn’t burn the way he’s expecting to— he doesn’t vandalize his own name or blow up at a reporter. No, the third time— the final time— that Steve Rogers burns it’s with nostalgia— and with a damn good cup of coffee in his hand.

“I had no idea this place was even here.” The girl across from Steve muses, tiny hands shifting the steaming cup back and forth.

Her name is Ellie, he learned that back at the museum after asking for a copy of the video she took. He barely knew how to use his phone back then, let alone his email— hell, both still confuse him more often than not— but she had been patient. A little awestruck and a little riled up too but he took it in stride— easily. It’s not hard being nice to the spitting image of him.

“I’m glad I’m good for something other than making the news.” Steve chuckles and this time he means it— there’s no malice or ill intent, only humor. “O’Malley’s ‘s been here longer than I have. Looked a little different then—” he takes a moment to let his eyes wander the old coffee shop and it’s new appliances— a moment to feel his age catch up to him— “but I guess I did too.”

Ellie’s laughter joins in there and it’s strange— strange that he hasn’t laughed with another person in seven, almost eight, months; strange that her laughs sound so much like Bucky’s when they were younger; strange that Bucky isn’t here to hear. Here to laugh, too. Because he would have.

He would have called Steve an old man, would have wrapped his arm around his shoulders, would have asked— no, demanded— that Ellie try the plum cobbler. They always made the best cobbler. Bucky always had the best laugh. All grit and breath and him. Steve feels warm just thinking about it.

“Well thanks for letting me in on the secret, I’ll make sure to guard it carefully.” She even has Bucky’s warm sarcasm.

Maybe it’s not so much like looking in a mirror as it is looking at what he wishes he and his boyfriend could have been back then.

“And thanks for letting me interview you—” Ellie continues, setting the cup down but not before nodding at it, her eyes wide— “wow. You weren’t kidding about the joe, huh? Anyway— thanks for scheduling this. I know you’re probably super busy— and that there are more well established people you could have gone to.”

Steve sets his own mug down too— if he hadn’t there’s a possibility it would be more puddle than porcelain. “Well established means nothin’, kid. Not when you don’t have heart. They’re parasites, all of ‘em. The press couldn’t care less about me.”

Ellie nods, lifting the lid of her laptop. It’s a little bit dented and slathered in stickers, not quite the newest model— he would know, he has the newest one and it’s still sitting in his apartment in the box. Yet another testament to how little the people around him truly know him.

“Welcome to the twenty-first century, can I get you a side of classism with that commercialism?”

Now she sounds like Winnie too.

“Say, has anyone ever told you that you’re funny?”

She shrugs, tilting her head, a lopsided grin glued to her face. “Once or twice— I never know if they mean it or if they just want me to shut up. I never do so I guess we’ll never know.”

Steve sputters out another laugh because; “I guess we’re the same then— never give them a moment, kid. That’s the best advice I can give you.” He pauses— again— he supposes it’s going to be a day of pausing— he supposes it’s about time he pauses— before adding, “Bucky would’ve scolded me for saying that.”

Ellie’s fingers, swift and deft over the machine— Steve hadn’t even seen her begin to type— pause too as her smile softens. “What would he have said instead?”

Her question shouldn’t catch off guard— this is why he asked her to meet him; to finally, properly write his story— their story. Still he pauses— Steve’s empty hands feel hot, his shoulders warm; bare— what would he have said? It doesn’t take long to hear his boyfriend’s voice, not there but somehow loud in his ear all the same.

Just relax— they aren’t worth it. It’s too nice out to care about anything but the water— are you coming in or not? Summer doesn’t last forever, you know?

It’s impossible but Steve can feel the sun on his back and on his ears again, like he’s there— like he’s back, sixteen and on fire. Those were the days where everything made him cold. The days where his skin burned no matter the season but especially in August which was when the ocean was warm enough to swim in. It never stopped him from joining Buck— nothing could have stopped him. His cheeks warm, too, at the thought.

Steve blinks, his own smile— perhaps a little lopsided in it’s own right— shaping over his mouth. “He would have told you to relax— and to try the plum cobbler. It’s fantastic.”

With another giggle— and a reiterated comment— has anyone ever told you you’re funny, Steve?— they fall into a conversation, just a kid and a relic, about life. It’s not an easy conversation— but then again those kinds never are. It’s real, though, and unedited. Unfiltered. Just the way Erskine and Winnie and Bucky would have liked it— the only way Steve wants it. It’s not perfect but, hell, Steve has never been perfect.

He’s never wanted to be.

Maybe Steve doesn’t know everything his boyfriend would say— and maybe he’d be lying if he said he doesn’t blow up once or twice after today— but he can confidently say that he gave Brooklyn a run for her money— twice— and lived to tell the tale. He can say then when it mattered, he burned. That he still burns. That he will until he doesn’t— until he’s extinguished.

But, hey, though Summer doesn’t last forever, not even the Atlantic could extinguish the flame that is Steve Rogers.

That’s what he writes— in Sharpie— on the card he writes to Ellie— the one attached to the computer he knows he’ll never use.

#Steve Rogers #Bucky Barnes #Stucky #steve x bucky #Queer!steve rogers #Queer!Steve #Queer!Bucky #Queer!Bucky Barnes #Captain America #pride month #Steve angst #steve fluff #Marvel cinematic universe #Mcu #mcu fic #steve fic

64 notes · View notes

serenasoutherlyns · 3 years

Note

4, 18, 20?

thank you for the ask! this one got long lol

4. Share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

- ok, from a WIP i have:

The realization goes straight to her ribs, knocks the wind out of her. She’s sure she shakes, trying to get off the weight of the week and give the pleasure-panic taking over every part of her body a place to rest itself. That would be it for notes. Tracey gathers her things in a half-daze. As she walks out of the building, onto the subway, up the steps to her apartment, as she undoes her lock, climbs into the shower and then into her bed: Kelly, Kelly, Kelly.

i just love writing Tracey, and i think this one shows one of my favorite things about writing: so i used to write a LOT of poetry and i don't as much anymore, but a friend once said that my way of writing prose reminded her of the way i wrote poetry, that i put (rhythm, alliteration, etc) into it, and it made me feel really happy. so yeah :). and i don't usually try to do it, it just happens.

18. Do any of your stories have alternative versions? (plotlines that you abandoned, AUs of your own work, different characterisations?) Tell us about them.

- if anybody remembers not a summer crush (LOLOLOL), it was originally going to be a lot darker. so around halfway through, caroline gets sick and alex & casey take care of her, it's all very cute and kind of pushes things along there. well initially, she was going to have a period of rough mental health instead, she was going to find out that her former dance teacher had been accused of child abuse and it was going to bring up a lot of things for her about her childhood & leaving dance and all of that, she was going to go back to california and help with the prosecution, kind of right at the start f her relationship with a/c. eventually i decided that a) it took things down a sad path i didn't want to deal with, b) it took away from the point of the story which i wanted to be the family and romantic relationships in caroline's life and the start of her career, and c) it hit just a liiiittle bit too close to home for me to be comfortable writing it. so yeah! who knows if i'll ever finish that one, but that's what its original form was like.

20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

- i guess, i think i tend to write some characters in a way that might come off as ooc even though i don't think of it that way. for example, alex cabot is often the "ice queen," very tough and sarcastic, emotionally cold, etc. i see her dominant characteristics as like, determined and also anxious, so what seems like cold is actually scared, what seems like tough is actually this insatiable drive to get what she wants and believes is right. or tracey kibre can come across as a hardass with not a whole lot of sympathy in her, but i see her as having a need for control that borders on pathological, it hurts her more than anybody else. and she has SO much compassion for what she sees as the "right" people that it sometimes makes her make bad or cruel choices. or abbie, who has this mean and merciless exterior, but all of that comes from a place of hurt. i'm sure others share this perspective but yeah, that's where my ideas for characters tend to come from; like asking myself "well why do they act like that" not "what do they act like."

- i named jack mccoy's little sister "stevie" in the lock that kept it dark without realizing that's almost the oldest daughter on madam secretary's name

- in the first chapter of passionately, i'd say, jack says to claire "clear as day, claire kincaid, i certainly don't anticipate a problem" while the line from "second opinion" is just "i certainly don't anticipate a problem." this is because i was watching the lizzie bennet diaries and wanted to include the line darcy says to lizzie after they kiss for the first time, "clear as day, lizzie bennet."

(fun meta asks for writers!)

#15coldhotpockets #asks #sficx

4 notes · View notes

make-me-imagine · 3 years

Note

congrats on 5.5k!! you're insanely talented and I'm so happy you're getting the recognition you deserve 🥺🥺 could i join in the ship requests too?

I'm a rather small sized (like, 154cm & ~40kg kind of small) Asian female from a South East Asia country and i prefer men, especially men who are taller and Age Gaps™ 🥴 I'm not sure how much you know about/believe in astrology but I'm a Libra sun, Taurus rising and Capricorn moon so you can do what you want with that 😂

I'm an INTP/INFP (I've gotten both an equal number of times from sites OTHER than 16 personality, tho I personally vibe with INTP just a teeny smidge more) if you do MBTI ✌🏼 I LOVE to read, especially fanfiction lmao, and i also write! I really love listening to music + watching shows/movies too! My favourite shows are all mystery/crime based LOL and I am working towards becoming a criminal psychologist/forensic pathologist/forensic scientist in future! (heavily inspired by Criminal Minds, Sherlock, Detective Conan and the like so 😂) I have a really vivid and good imagination please i can spend DAYS just daydreaming and imagining scenarios that I never finish writing about & generally this is how all my work is never finished loll

I'm the eldest sibling at home, and my parents haven't always been around so I've been rather used to stepping up and taking care of myself (+ my sibling, like helping them with homework and all). Some people say I'm a natural born leader? idk bc I often step up to be the leader in group work & I'll often be the one to initiate things & all. I'm a rather big procrastinator though LOLL so you'll often catch me rushing my assignments & final projects & rushing my revision for exams + finals like, 2 days before the actual exam 💀 which often leads to me becoming more stressed out & breaking down more often than i actually should so 🥲 I'm trying to quit this bad habit though

I love cuddles and hugs please I will KILL for cuddles and hugs from my back by a tall character pls it just feels so safe and comforting to be spooned too 🥺🥺 sometimes when I'm too absorbed in work or something (which happens too often for it to be healthy) I might just forget to eat/sleep entirely AND also my sleep routine isn't the best. like i will literally fall asleep at 9pm, wake up in the middle of the night on my own at like, 1am, then usually I'll be rushing homework at this time, then maybe sleep again for a short while from 4ish? till when i have to get up for school/work at 5:30/6am 💀 there's been days where i literally looked so sick from the lack of sleep where my tutor once stopped the class to ask me if I was okay and if i was going to faint LMAO 😔 i feel like I'm a night owl??? but then also i have no problem getting up super early in the morning so?? but i really feel most at home and really enjoy the 3am nights 😌

i am also the class clown lol but it's bc i just make sarcastic comments and all and my friends think they're funny???? but also i enjoy making people laugh bc sometimes i find it interesting to try and see what kind of things make my friends laugh so it's lowkey an experiment? or like something i want to achieve? at this point. I'm fluent in English and Chinese/Mandarin and I'm learning Italian so I roughly know some basics, and I really enjoyed History, which I took last year but dropped this year. (I'm taking English Literature with Biology + Chemistry this year and they're all great, except I'm literally dying from the workload aaahhh 💀)

I'm kinda clumsy and Not Good™ at most sports, maybe passably okay for badminton but I'm really not that athletic and really not very keen on exercising either 😔 I'm quite creative and good with public speaking/creative writing/impromptu performance/speech though I'd say! I'm also in my school's drama club 😎 though I'm more of a backstage lights & sounds kind of person. I'm right handed (with a really neat handwriting, as I've been told many, many, many times) and I wear thin frame spectacles which I sometimes will fall asleep in & I'm so clumsy/careless that I'm actually really afraid I'd break them (it's happened before 😭)

I'm a really good planner? like i can do up a great and detailed schedule/plan for revision and all but i will NOT stick to what i plan 😭😭 i love to snack!!!! on chips + gummies especially, and my diet is quite unhealthy lmao i literally don't eat vegetables At All™ & i don't really eat meat that much too?? lmaoo please i can go for days without having a single proper meal & just survive on snacking on potato chips + soft drinks 💀 i am a very picky eater though so really me not finding food i like/am able to stomach is also really kind of my fault 🤡

while i really vibe with and love the dark academia aesthetic, i also do video/MOBA games, like i play games like Mobile Legends & all. I'm someone who knows most, if not all the lastest trends (like tiktok, memes etc) but i won't actively participate in them? i just kind of like to know things, like Knowledge is Power you know (I'm a Slytherin, in case you're wondering, though I've gotten Ravenclaw so often it's a close tie sometimes)

okay i feel like that's enough details about me? feels like I've told you nothing that's useful oh well LOL... I'd really love a ship for Criminal Minds and Marvel? if that's possible please? in case you missed it, i prefer men! (I'm a questioning bi, with a strong preference for men) for the hc prompt "what you do on your first date" or maybe "how you met + first impressions"?

thank you so much for being so kind and willing to do this ship requests thing!! I'm sure you're spending TONS of time and effort on this and aahhh i feel bad for typing so long paragraphs now (as you may have noticed i have a tendency to ramble on if not stopped because i am just really Socially Awkward ™ sometimes 💀 and have really bad (social) anxiety too) and i really think you're super amazing for doing this??? I'm so sorry if this took up too much of your time aaahhhhh thank you so so so much 🥺😭😭 really the biggest of congratulations to you for your 5.5k??? you really do deserve every single follower & i am SO insanely happy for you 🤩❤️

- 🌙🏒 anon

Don’t worry, you definitely provided enough information lmao.

And thank you for your kind words, I appreciate it.

I hope you like the ships I made for you

They are under the cut:

Criminal Minds:

I ship you with Hotch.

You get the age-gap here lol. He would be a bit hesitant due to the age gap at first, but he would get over it because he can not resist. He does not seem like the type of cuddles, and especially does not take part in PDA. But when you are alone he would love holding you and spooning, especially after a long day of work. Aaron would be attracted to your uniqueness as well as your intelligence and aesthetic, finding it to be very “you”.

How you met + his first impressions:

You met when you were transferred to the BAU as the new Forensic Pathologist.

Hotch thought you were very interesting when you first met and was definitely intrigued by you.

He thought you fit in fairly well and would get along with the others (which you do).

He appreciates a sarcastic sense of humor, so he would dig that as well.

Hotch could tell you had a form of anxiety and wold be patient around you when you first met so that you could open up to him at your own pace.

What you do on your first date:

He takes you to a hockey game.

He is not the sportiest person but he has had an interest in hockey for a while, sometimes watching it on tv.

When he learned that you liked it, he decided that this would be the perfect opportunity to invite you on a date as well as to see his first game.

After the game, you walked around town for a bit, getting some late night food and talking or a long time.

This allowed you to open up to him quite a bit and you grew more comfortable around him as well, which he is very happy about.

Best Friend:

Your best friend is JJ. She thinks you are really cool and unique and nice. She has the type of personality that is easy t get along with and open up too, so you bonded with her quicker than the others. I also feel like she is into hockey as well, so she appreciates your love for it as well.

Marvel:

I ship you with Sam.

I think Sam is a good fit for you. He is into sports, and digs your aesthetic. He is easy to get along with and very funny. He thinks your line of work is very interesting and loves to listen to you talk about it. Sam also really enjoys crime shows ans thrillers so he is always excited to meet someone who enjoys them as well.

How you met + his first impressions:

You met through Nat, who you had met through SHIELD years before.

You happened to be at the compound with Nat when Sam was there and she introduced you.

He immediately thought you were pretty and very interesting.

Sam could tell you were shy, but that did not stop him from flirting.

Though he also made some jokes and was easy going as to not scare you off.

He made sure to ask Nat about you once you left and managed to convince her to give him your contact info.

What you did on your first date:

He took you to the movies first, to watch the most recent crime thriller that came out.

After the movie you went to a nearby park and walked around, talking about the movie and other crime/horror related stuff.

You got food at a food truck and sat by the fountain together.

He was appalled when you told him that you didn’t eat that often (if came a part of your relationship later on that he would try to cook you meals that you’d like just so you WOULD EAT).

You ended up spending hours together, and it felt like no time at all.

So you were definitely up for another date with him, which he of course asked you about.

Best-Friend:

Natasha. She was the first one you met, and slowly introduced you to the others. She thought you were really cool when you first met and was surprised at how well you go along. That is sometimes hard for her to do, so once you became friends she never took that for granted. She and Sam would gang up on you when you weren’t eating btw.

xxaaron

#ship #ships #ship request #5.5k ships #anon ship #anon #ask

2 notes · View notes

evesbeve · 6 years

Text

Exactly one year ago, I posted my first Ninjago fanfiction on Tumblr

(Yes, this is one of these big and personal posts, but bear with me for a second ^w^)

I've already talked about how much Ninjago means to me, and what a positive impact it has had on my life, but to celebrate a year into this fandom, I'd like to focus on its community here on Tumblr.

I've always been into Ninjago. In fact, I started watching it back in 2011, when it first came out!

Later on, I discovered fanfiction. It was like a dream come true, to read original stories about my favorite ninja, and to write them myself too! Eventually I began posting them, and I must say... They weren't good XD

But hey, I loved writing them! So I did just that - I kept writing and writing, until... Well, I grew out of Ninjago when I reached 7th grade.

But last year, I decided to rewatch the entire series during Christmas break. It was like falling in love with my favorite ninja all over again.

And who would have thought there would be an active fanbase here on Tumblr?

I remember scrolling down the tag and smiling at every single artwork and piece of fanfic (+ memes, of course. Who can forget about memes?) that I found.

(And bruh, discovering bruiseshipping? Holy FSM, that was truly a Christmas miracle.)

On December 28th of 2017, I made my first Ninjago Vocal Cover.

undefined

youtube

The feedback I got was incredible. I had never, ever received such positive comments before, and the encouragement to do more helped me get out of the bad mental state I was in.

So I got writing again.

If I was going to post Ninjago, I was going to post Pixane.

So I did do that, and on January 1st of 2018, I posted my first Ninjago fanfiction in years.

Did I post it as soon as I finished it? Yes!

Had I beta-ed it? ... No...?

It was still a huge step for me though! Once that story was up, I was on freaking fire.

To make you understand, I published a total of 30 Ninjago related stories (and that was just the stuff I made public!)

I have never produced this much content before!

If that wasn't enough, I picked up my YouTube channel again, occasionally made some art, and heck, somehow I got motivated to clean up my room to make space for LEGOs.

I even had the pleasure of hosting a collaborative project with around 30 people! (Yes, the new one is on the way, we're all still working on it :D)

undefined

youtube

Suddenly I was motivated to do stuff, I wasn't sad all the time, I made new friends!

All that is because of YOU.

I'm just a random girl from Greece that happens to like a bunch of LEGO ninja. Yet, you've treated me with so much kindness, and made me feel like so much more than that.

I'm not oblivious to the fact that I am known inside this fanbase. I just want to make sure you know that you made my voice loud.

And for that, I am greatful.

I am greatful for the joy you've given me, and the memories I was able to make because of you.

I've always wanted this blog to be a place of positivity. It makes me so incredibly happy that you can seek to it to get away from everything else, that it makes you happy.

This blog, is our blog.

So I'd like to take a moment to personally thank a few people from this community that played an important role in my life in 2018. If you don't want to go through a big thank you list, that is totally understandable, so I'll put it under the cut. To those of you who are leaving this post now,

Happy New Year!

Before I start, I'd like to say that it would be impossible to include every single person I know into one post. If you're not in here but you're still relatively active, chances are I don't know you personally (but I have probably noticed you!) OR I accidentally forgot to include you, in which case I'M SO SORRY, AAAA!

Without any further ado!

Thank you @diamantdrache, for drawing me like three times without me even asking, holy crap ;w; You're so amazing dude, I'm always happy to see you around. Keep being awesome!

Thank you to @strawberryhipster and @kunoichi-of-fangirling for always screaming with me about Pixane!

Thank you @i-am-the-bluejay for making me laugh through your amazing bruise fanfics! They never failed to cheer me up :D

A special thanks to @parachutingkitten, for, gosh, everything. Discovered your fanfics during a very hard time, and trying to solve the mystery behind them kept me going. You're so kind and sweet to me all the time, and I'm so happy we ran into each other!

Huge thanks to @volzorra for dropping by my inbox to tell me the randomest of things! I adore everything you do, keep it up!! :D

Thanks to @panwitha-plan, @purplerose244, @monstriframinerva and @ninjago-rewritten for making me giggle whenever you pop up in my feed and notifications! You guys rock 💜

A big one to @ninjakitten1699 for coming up with such amazing scenarios featuring the one true mastermind of Ninjago - Dr. Kitty Saunders! Not only that, but somehow you always remember what stuff I like, and tag me in funny posts (and angst bc I live for that) and making my day! Thank you so much for everything!

Thank you @coco-jaguar for being a mom to all of us in the fandom, and organising such cool events like the Secret Santa!

Thanks to @loud-quiet-and-fragile for going through 100 of my posts at once and commenting at every single one! You're just so fun to be around, and my mood instantly improves when I see you!

You knew it was coming, @nightlybirdie! Thank you, for always responding to my yelling about your art, and for yelling on my content as well! You're one of the sweetest people I know, I'm seriously so happy we met!

Thank you to @kara-is-so-ninja!! For not only having such an amazing AU, but for spreading joy everywhere you go! I admire your work so freaking much, but I admire you as a person even more. Thank you for always putting a smile on my face 💜

Thank you @ninjagojed, for being so easy and fun to talk to! I enjoy your company to death!

HUGE THANKS TO MY WONDERFUL DAUGHTER @lindsey-chr-not-found!! I've known you for so long and, its amazing we found each other again! Thanks for screaming to me about our ideas, and, well, for letting me adopt you XD

A big thanks to @echojulien for being such a supportive friend, and always there when I'm in need of our boy Echo!! :D

This is where it starts to get really difficult to fit things into a single paragraph...

To @hottchoco, who is basically one of the reasons I started shipping bruise in the first place, thank you for opening my eyes. Thank you for being that one person that is somehow into all of my fandoms at once, and screaming to me in random about them. Thank you for, even though we have different tastes sometimes, being respectful no matter what. Thank you, for being my shoulder to cry on when I need it. Thanks for everything dude :D 💜

Thank you @spinharmony, for creating a server where I made such amazing friends, and for BEING one of those amazing friends. It's so easy to talk to you about anything. You're always there, whether it's screaming about our misunderstood favorite characters, or talking about our problems. Thank you so much for just being there. I am so lucky to be able to call you my friend 💜

Thank you @hollsheadcanons!! You were one of the first people I met in this fandom, and definitely someone I was comfortable with since day one. We spend so much time just meming and yelling, that I literally feel like there's nothing to be afraid of when I'm with you. You make all my problems disappear, but you're also here to comfort me when I'm in need of hugs. Words are not enough to describe how much you mean to me. You're one of my best friends in the entire world, and for that, I thank you. Love you so much Holls!!💜

And finally, @clumsinessinperson and @ninjagoruinedmylife. You two, it feels wrong to talk about you separatedly because we're always together! I don't even know where to begin with you guys, I just love you so freaking much. No matter how upset I am, you always lift me up. You're so understanding of how I feel, and I know I can always count on you for anything. I just can't believe how close we are, and how many things we've created and been through together. I want you to know that you mean the world to me, and I love you so much. Thank you for being my friends. I love you 💜

To everyone reading this, regardless of being in my list or not, thank you so much for being part of my year, and for being part of my life. Thank you for everything 💜

#evelina nonesense #ninjago #personal

117 notes · View notes

letthesparkleshine · 6 years

Text

You remembered.

Hello everyone! This is my first attempt at writing fanfiction, I hope you enjoy it!

Feel free to leave me a message.

Words: around 1.8k

Group: BTS

Members: Jungkook and Taehyung X you

Today was a long day. You had just finished your workout and decided to take a shower. Before grabbing your things you took a quick look at your phone. You saw that you got a text message from your one and only Taehyung.

V: Wear something fancy tonight 😉

Y/N (*dies*): Sure thing love

It was your anniversary tonight, 3 years baby. After taking a shower you quickly drove home to start getting ready. You still love him as if it was the first day when you guys had just met and you were very excited. You were stuck between deciding whether to wear tight velvet dress or loosely fit black one. You decied to go with red one, since you prefer velvet and Taehyung doesn't. And today was definitely the night you would prefer for him to take if off of you as quiclkly as posisible.

You were on your way to their dorm. Once you arrived you were greeted by Jin. ''Wow, very nice, Tae's a very lucky guy. Tell me I forgot, do you have an older sister?'' he says and you just hit him playfully but still kind of hard since it's Jin and he probably deserves it.

''Stoop please, where is Tae, I'm really excited about tonight, I can't wait anymore.'', you say. Jin being a little perv he is takes another look at you again and this time you hit him a bit harder.

''Wow Y/N that really hurt. You hurted me.''

''Oh really, you wanna see how I hit with both of my hands?'' you say and thankfully in that moment Jimin walked in. ''Come in Y/N, we missed you, sorry for Jin he's a little bit drunk,'' he says as he is taking your coat from you '' you're going to have to wait a bit, we were running a bit late today with practice, he's still getting ready.''

''Oh no problem, I'll just hang out with you guys a little, it's been a long time since we all hung out together.'' You say to Jimin, completely igoring Jin at the moment.

'I'm very sad Y/N, you hurted me again.'' Says Jin.

''Oh relax silly, I've missed you too, but not your jokes though'', you say while following them to living room.

You find the rest of the guys watching TV. Jungkook immedietely gets up to hug you. ''Y/N you're finally here, I've missed you, my god we've got to hang out some time soon.''

Jungkook and you knew eachoter before you met Taehyung. You took the same dancing classes as he did, before he started training at BigHit. While training you guys became very close to eachoter since he was a bit lost in the beginning and you were his closest friend at the time. It was never weird between you guys. You were always just really good friends. Eventually you met the rest of his members and became kind of close to them too. You instantly had a crush on Tae and boy oh boy did he have a crush on you. He first asked you out without telling Jungkook, thinking, if this doesn't workout he doesn't have to find out and there will be no problem. But since life has it's own way of planning events, you and V actually hit it off really well. First it was hanging out only once in a while so Jungkook wouldn't suspect anything, but with time passing by, you guys fell in love more and more, and once making it official, it was time to tell Kookie. He was very protective of you, so it was safe to say that you would make Taehyung tell him. There was no way you were telling him. And on a lovely sunny day, when you guys were preparing to tell him, he caught you fooling around. That was the only day you remember Jungkook getting kind of mad at you, but since he loves you so so very much, he forgave you very easily and very quickly.

Everytime you remember that day, it puts a smile on your face. A boy that you once barely knew is now one of your closest friends and because of him you met the man that introduced you to love you never knew existed.

''We really should catch up Kookie.'' You say hugging him back. You can definetly feel that Jin was about to say something but he stayed quiet, which quite surprised you.

You sat with the guys for a brief moment, chatting with them about their day when suddenly Taehyung appeared, looking like a four course meal. It was safe to say that you were now even more excited about him taking off the Velvet dress off of you.

''You look amazing sweetheart'', he says while kissing your cheek.

''Get a room.'' You hear Yoongi all of a suddenly.

It makes all of you laugh a little bit, then you feel Tae taking your hand and leading you outside of the dorm. But before you leave you can hear Kookie jogging towards you giving you a quick hug goodbye and just as you were about to let go of him you hear him saying: ''Congratulations on your 3rd anniversary.''

I really melted your heart that he remembered.

''I can't explain how excited I am about today Tae, where are we going?'' you ask.

''Oh it's a surprise, you'll know once we get there.''

You just smile and sit in the car with him. For this special opportunity he even hired a driver. ''I can't believe he tried so hard on our anniversary'' you thought to yourself. You were very happy at the moment. It was a nice ride, and once you've reached the destination he told you to wait so he could open the door for you. As you stepped out, you were kind of shocked. It was the cafe, where you guys went on your first secret date.

''I can't believe you remembered this place Tae. I haven't been here since ou sec-''

''-secret date'' Tae finishes your sentence for you. ''I knew you thought I was going to forget about this place so I thought about surprising you this time.''

Indeed you were very happy. The man of your dreams remembered your anniversary and not just that, he took you to your favourite place, and you even get along with all of his friends,at least when they are not asking you about your older sister. There couldn't be a more perfect moment for you right there. You kissed him softly on the cheek and let him lead you into the cafe. He made a reservation just for you two, emptying the whole cafe for a night so you two could be alone. The night that passed by was so lovely and it passed by so quickly. Both of you were talking all night and it reminded you so much of your first date.

You were waiting for him to give you his anniversary gift so that you could give him afterwards yours. But you kind of waited for nothing. You never recieved the gift. You thought maybe the cafe and the reservation were a gift but you were still a bit sad, since every year until now you guys always gave eacother handmade gifts. And this year you worked extra hard in knitting the sweater he used to have when he was little. But nontheless you were still very thankful for the effor he put into your date so you decided to just enjoy it and give him his sweater later in the car.

You were enjoying the rest of your date when suddenly he got an emergency call, having to come right away back to the dorms. Once you guys returned back he went immediately to RM asking him what's wrong. You went to Jungkook since you saw he was sitting alone and you asked him what had happened.

''Oh it was just something about the contract, since we renewed it couple of days ago and boss found out there was a paragraph that was missing, he had to rewrite it and Tae has to resign it. It's no big deal but he kind of has to sign it immediately.''

''Oh,'' you say feeling a bit of ease ''I thouhght it was something worse.''

''Silly girl, you always think of the worst firts. But any way, how was the date? Did you like the present?'', Kookie bombards you with questions.

''Oh I didn't get the present, I thought the cafe was the present, did you see him actually buying me a present?'' you ask him a little bit worried. Jungkook laughs at you and gives you his award winning bunny smile and pinches your cheek. Just as he was about to answer your question Taehyung walks in.

''I'm sorry about that love, we drove over here for nothing, hope it didn't ruin our date too much'' he says.

''It's okay, shall we go back? You ask.

''Actually I'm kind of tired would you mind if we called it a night? I know it as supposed to be our special date night but it was a long day for me today, I just want to go to sleep.'' As he says those words your heart hurts a little bit. Special date nights were also your thing, it was a night you had at least once every two weeks, since you both have hard working jobs and that was just an agreement you guys made so you would see each other even at the busiest of times.

He forgot. Your anniversary. He forgot it and you didn't know what to think. You agreed with him not wanting to ruin your night and told him to go to bed, and that you are going home.

''What are you talking about going home? Stay over it makes no sense if you go home now, especially at this hour.''

You completely ignored his question saying:'' No I want to go home, I don’t feel so good, sorry babe, I'll see you later.'' You say very quickly, kissing his cheek and leaving without giving him a chance to say a word or two to you.

Jungkook sees this awkward situation and after you leave he goes up to V and asks him:'' What was that man? Why did she leave?''

''I have no idea, she said she got tired all of a sudden, but she seemed fine during our date''

Jungkook tilts his head thinking what could the reason be and says: “Ok… but what did she think of the present? Did she like it?''

''What present, what are you talking about?'' says Tae obviosly very confused.

''Well it's your anniversary? Or? No it's definitely your anniversary. I told her before to have fun on your anniversary and she smiled at me.'' Says Kookie.

It took Taehyung a moment to to realize what Jungkook had just said. He quickly ran to his room to check the calendar and he was right. The date that was circled today was your anniversary.

''Fuck.''

#bts #bts v #bts jungkook #bts fanfic #bts fanfction #fanfic #fanfiction #kpop fanfiction #kpop fanfic #jungkook fanfiction #v fanfiction #taehyung fanfiction #bts imagine #bts imagines

16 notes · View notes

tokyoteddywolf · 7 years

Text

Fuck It I'm Gonna Minific From A Phone

A little Self Story bc I need to write SOMETHING and my Voltron fics are reserved for a computer with a proper keyboard.

————————————————- Huffing, the teenage girl smacked her head onto her desk for what felt like the thousandth time that day. ‘When will this suffering end?’ She thought, tugging her scrunchie out and letting her copper and red streaked hair fall out in curly waves, brushing against her shoulders. She idly played with a particular ringlet as her English teacher ranted about Shakespeare or something similar up front, near the whiteboard. Lucky her, she was sitting in the very back, which meant more chances to daydream. Vaguely she thought that she should shower when she got home, since her hair was feeling a little oily and looked dusty, and earlier this morning she’d broken a comb trying to smooth out a few tangles. Curse her genetics for giving her father’s fluffy curls and her Mum’s wavy thickness to her unruly hair. She didn’t care if her hair was classified as “perfect curls or waves”, all she knew was she never had to use a curling iron to get perfect ringlets, and straightening the damn thing was an hour long process she had no energy for. Not to mention water was her number one enemy, always causing it to either curl or frizz when dried. Or both, which was normally why she kept it tied back with a scrunchie. She snapped back to attention when the bell rung, and she gathered up her things and left that godforsaken class. She said hello to a few friends as she passed them in the hallways, and played her usual game of How Gay Am I For That Girl as she walked to Algebra class. Humming along to the tune on her headphones, she slid into her seat once she’d arrived and waved an awkward hello to her pal Nathan, or Omega as he called himself. Things had been a bit strained between them, mainly because Nathan had a crush on her and she only saw him as a brother. She always felt bad when someone liked her, not that it had ever happened before to her knowledge, mainly because she was Aromantic. She turned to her notebook and hummed quietly to herself, remembering the conversation she’d had with her Mum the other day. “Boys are like static cling sometimes!” Her Mum had sighed, brushing silver and black hair out of her hazel green eyes. “So, you never really felt like dating anyone?!?” She’d responded, actually a little shocked. “No, actually. I stayed single my whole life til I met your father. He’d actually just stuck around me, and we ended up getting married, before that divorce. Every boyfriend since has just stuck to me until I agreed to one date, and I guess I just never had the heart to say no until I got fed up enough.” The older female had explained with a wry smile. “So you must actually be Aromantic like me! Huh! Ya learn something new everyday…” the teen had muttered, before grinning at her Mum. “So once we kick Steve out, no more boyfriends? Promise?” She’d asked, adding puppy eyes for full effect. Her Mum had laughed and nodded agreement. She shook out of the memory when a sheet of complicated looking equations was passed over to her, and she sighed. She had no idea what she was supposed to do, so she huffed and at least tried to figure out what the fuck X equaled. An hour and a half later, she was slumped against her close friend and brother figure Sam, who didn’t complain and merely continued to eat the nachos she’d gotten for him. He never had any money for school lunches, and she’d felt awful when she saw the sad little sandwiches he’d had to eat. She’s started with handing over her leftover food she hadn’t eaten, since she was worried he wasn’t eating enough. Then it turned into her handing over her food at every lunch period since her new meds that controlled her anxiety and ADHD also acted as a hunger suppressant, leaving her appetite nonexistent. She ate, of course, usually when she saw food she liked, such as the fish or the egg rolls, or usually just survived off of the fruit cups and milk cartons. Sam glanced over at where her head was pressed against his leather jacket covered shoulder and raised an eyebrow. “Tough day?” He asked nonchalantly, dipping a chip into some of the liquid cheese and sour cream as she grumbled and looked up and stared at his sideburns. “You have no idea. I might not live through fifth and sixth period.” She groaned, absolutely limp against his form. They had that weird sibling dynamic where physical affection wasn’t all that unwelcome. Sam chuckled and patted her knee sympathetically. “You’ll survive. If I can listen to Mel whine about her problems all day and still keep my sanity intact, then you can survive the next two classes today.” She snorted out a half laugh. “Well, yer her boyfriend. Listenin’ to her is kinda yer job.” She drawled, slipping into her Texan accent. What? She was tired! Her ADHD had kicked her ass the night before, so she’d been up til nearly three in the morning aching to go run or something before she managed to settle down enough to get SOME sort of rest. Sam rolled his eyes and munched on another chip. “Can’t argue with that.” He hummed, shrugging. She sighed. “Honestly I just want to take a nap but I have stuff to do…” Sam rolled his eyes again. “Don’t we all?” He joked, reaching up to ruffle her hair. She purred delightedly at the attention. She adored head rubs, but it was something she only let trusted people do. Which was rare, since she literally had no trust in anyone, anxiety only worsening the problem and making her believe that, even though she had a good life and friends and family that really cared, everyone would turn on her and abandon her and pretty much show that everything was one big lie, a joke. She and Sam started chatting about story ideas, since they had their own little AU called the Squad AU, just a little story about their OC’s and the trouble they get into in different universes, some already existing and some made up. The bell rang again, dismissing the lunch crowd, and she gathered up her things and bid goodbye to her pals as she moved to the class in the library. She grinned as the class door unlocked and she entered the computer filled room, sliding into her favorite spot and swivel chair, adjusting the tilted computer screen and lowering the chair so her chest could have a rest on the wooden table and give her aching shoulders and back a rest. Cracking her neck and back, rolling her shoulders, she popped a few finger joints and logged in, already working on an essay paragraph so she could do what she really wanted to; free write. She actually had a deal with the teacher, after several talks and lectures. After a while, he’d given her a deal: as long as you write a poem a day or an essay paragraph, you can take the rest of the class off to write your creative stories and documents. She’d finished the poem assignment a few days ago, so now it was just a paragraph for an essay a day and she could go back to writing plot lines, head canons, fic ideas and short stories as much as she liked. Once finished with the paragraph, she pulled up a familiar document, the plot line for a Shance one shot she was making, and started adding in more details to the document. Humming, she checked over everything and made a few changes before deeming it ready to be written out as an actual story before opening a new document and starting a new plot line, this one for another one shot idea she’d had last night during her little hyper episode, though to be honest she’d seen the same thing around a few times already but it never failed to make her smile or giggle. She had to research a little for it, but that was okay and she had the bare bones of the idea down by the time the bell ring. She saved everything twice before closing everything and logging off, ready for the long exhausting march to sixth period over in the second building. Once there, she greeted everyone with her usual “Man I feel dead inside!” and slumped into her tall chair, grateful for the cold black plastic table top against her cheek as she rested her head against it. A pencil shooting across the table had her glaring up at her frenemy, Nicholas. “Nick, for the love of everything holy, could ya fucking not?” She growled as the taller boy grinned at her from two tables away, his face blurry since she’d left her glasses at home today, but she could still practically FEEL him smirking. “But messing with you is more entertaining than anything else.” Nick chirped, twirling another pencil in his hand before flicking it at her. She flipped him the bird and nuzzled into her bag, to tired from the jog up the stairs to respond back for the moment. She rummaged around in her bag before pulling out a bag of chips and throwing it at him. “Here. Now shut up and leave me alone.” She hissed, glaring at him as she fumbled with her scrunchie and retied her hair back into a ponytail, or bunnytail since it was short and fluffy and curled down to brush against the back of her neck. To be fair, they were friends, sort of, since Nick went to her Grandpa’s church and she usually saw him there whenever she visited. But, they had a mutual hatred and respect for each other. A weird dynamic, since one moment she’d be sharing food with him and he’d be chatting with her about the logistics of a show, but the next they’d be at each other’s throats with scissors and flailing arms. No real harm was ever done, but it did annoy her to no end when he threw things like pens and popsicle sticks at her. She put on her headphones and ignored him the best she could, occasionally throwing a pen back or discreetly flipping him off, and started doodling in her notebook again. “Oh thank God, I’m free!” She declared as she exited the school, her scarf getting tossed into her face from the wind. Tucking the blue fabric back around her neck, she mumbled to herself as she walked the short distance to her house. “Well, at least until tomorrow.” She sighed, waiting for the crosswalk to turn green so she could cross the street and get home. It was a nice day for once, windy but not freezing cold like the winter they’d just left. Her skirt pressed against her legs as cars blew past, her scarf fluttering over her shoulder as she plucked her loose curl, the one she kept shorter for aesthetic purposes, out of her eyes in time to see the light turn green. She finally got home, and after fending off the excited dogs that swarmed her when she got inside, carefully dodging the hard whip-like tail of her boxer pit bull mix Kane who was a total sweetie, she managed to get into her room and shut the door to be alone. Ignoring the mess on the floor, she flopped onto her bed and sighed into a pillow before checking Tumblr, bored already. “Well, today was boring.” —————————————— I’m ending it there. See what happens when I’m not allowed to write for so long?!?!?!?

#my writing #self indulgence #Self fic #long post #bored #word vomit on paper #descriptive af

9 notes · View notes

notsopositivepotatoes-blog · 6 years

Text

nothing

I guess i'm just writing this because i'm desperate. I feel like I can't talk to anyone in my own life but I like the idea of communicating my feelings with others although no one will probably read this. I'm the type of person to bottle everything up inside, which is hypocritical because whenever my friends have issues I tell them that isn' healthy. It isn't, I know it isn't but I won't take my own advice. I guess recently my emotions have gotten too bottled up and now the only to "try" and feel better is to let them out, so here I am writing this.

I believe the sadness all started with summer. Just like any teen I love summer I'm not a fan of school but because I literally do nothing about three weeks into summer I get bored and then depressed because I see everyone out having fun while I'm sitting around getting fatter than I already was. But I was neglecting the sadness, there were times I was having fun and even though my family situation is weird and hard to explain and makes me miss my dad a lot the people I'm with are nice and caring but I also envy them because their lives are much better than mine. I will probably go on tangents to where this makes no sense to anyone but myself but that's fine I'm the only one who'll read this probably.

So summer was happening I wasn't doing anything besides going to church because I had recently moved from where I lived the past eight years and where all my friends are, although I probably wouldn't of hung out much with them anyway. And each day I just get sadder and sadder and it advances into what this now.

The biggest issue is probably my mother. I have many stories regarding my mother but the gist is that she and my dad are divorced it was messy and is still bad. I hadn't seen her for over three years until yesterday. Seeing her wasn't the hard part, my little (half) sister was with her and the hard part was seeing how ok they were. It's selfish but I think I would've felt better if they were having problems but they all look happy and it made me feel deprived. My parents broke up when I was six and my mother kicked us out of our home, I had to move in with my grandparents sleep on the floor for the better part of my childhood and preteen years and now I live in the basement of a family friend without my family who is in a worse situation, I don't know where I'll be going to school next year. But they're fine. I'm so embarrassed by my life. I know life isn't fair and I'm trying to keep my faith but it just is so hard right now. I just want to be like everyone else who goes on vacations and has fun over summer. My chest feels heavy. The saddest part is that I knew that seeing my mother was going to make me sad but what I'm blaming my sadness on is a TV show.

From the previous paragraphs, it is obvious I have no life, but I do have a Netflix subscription. I have recently binged the only two seasons available 'Anne with an E'. Great show, however, I am now in a show hole as well as obsessed with the actor who plays Gilbert Blythe and constantly wants to just look at his face because it is beautiful. Although I had finished the show the day before seeing my mother I had blamed this feeling on a show hole. Now, I recognize that I am extremely sad and writing about what makes me sad usually helps. So while I'm upset about my relationship and history with the one person who is supposed to uplift me and help but is rarely part of my life, I also have the classic issues of a teenage girl, boys and friends.

The boys will take shorter to explain so I will start off with them. I have no history will boys. While I have had many serious crushes and find many guys attractive the feelings have never been reciprocated which I desperately want. I want a boyfriend so badly but I am a traditionalist and want the boy to come after me and I realize that is something I might be waiting my whole life for, I support girls going after the guy. But in my case I blame all the romantic comedies I've seen, the guy always goes after the girl and that's what I long for. To be in a romantic comedy. Which leads me to my current crush. I had known this boy since I was little through church. We were very close when we were little but then we moved away and since we were so young it was hard to keep in touch. However we have moved back to where I lived when I was little and while it's not all about looks my childhood buddy has (in my opinion) been blessed with growing up. However, me being embarressed by my family situation and the fact that church will complicate things (although there is nothing between us that's just hypothetical) I have accepted that all it will be is a secret crush.

Now with friends that's also relatively short. I have none. Pretty much everyone I know is from church and if I'm hanging out with someone it most likely has to do with the church. I did attend school here for the last two months and made acquaintances. But I have tried once to hang out with them, and it didn't work out. Now I see them all over snapchat hanging out with eachother and sitting feeling like a loser. Which is how I feel when I see the snapchat stories of my friends I used to live with, which make me feel like if I still lived there I'd possibly be hanging out with them and not be so lonely. I still keep in contact with a couple of my close friends but I get envious of them because they go on fun vacations and have friends to hang out with. Right now my best friend is staying for a week with my camp best friend. Which makes me sad because one I wasn't invited and two I introduced them and now I feel left out, and I don't how to explain that to them.

Everything right now feels like it's so much more complicated than it should be. Which in turn makes me sort of hate myself because I feel like I sound like one of those stupid teenage girls that are like "no one understands me" blah blah. But that's unfortunetly how I feel. I will probably return to being sad, But for right now writing all my issues out has helped.

0 notes

todokori-kun · 7 years

Text

THANK YOU SO MUCH, I’m ugly crying on the inside right now. I’m really so glad you liked the art, seriously this means a lot to me TYSM <3

I like how Hisoka turned out too :D I have a hard time looking at him though because WOW that’s way too much trash for once piece of paper

Be glad that I sent you the sassy Saiko, because I also drew a crying Saiko calling for Maman. I decided not to be a troll for once though ^^

I couldn’t do justice to OG Musical Maria though. She’s gorgeous…

That picture of Roy will be my legacy.

(as for the tiny dab, that is also Saiko in case the pic was too small for you to tell XD funny thing is that I wasn’t even intending to have that slip in when I took the picture. I drew a tiny, mouth-and-nose-less ‘I am not impressed’ Urie face next to it too but guess that didn’t make it in haha LOL

I'm actually sorta obsessed with drawing tiny, dabbing figures right now because I just discovered an easy way to draw dabs and…well. It’s fun?)

AWW tysm! Tbh though I get the struggle. I hated all paints for the longest time because I also had no idea how to use brushes and control the amount of water I used and ended up with shapeless blobs or super runny pics (also I’ve never actually learned how to paint or draw…a couple of short lessons when I was really little, a month(?) of lessons around last year or the year before, that’s pretty much it. So idk how to do things really lol). But I sorta-recently got obsessed with watercolor paintings (SO PRETTY) and that’s why I started ‘practicing’ (AKA watching/reading a bunch of tutorials and trying my best to remember the few things I actually learned XD). I still can’t draw stuff just with watercolors though, I need to do a light pencil sketch and then color with paint.

OK that sounds so cool but problem: My phone is a super old flip phone that I’ve had since I was eight(?), so mobile games are a no XD and my parents probably wouldn’t buy me anything that costs money (they let me play simple free RP games and dating games on the internet since those are usually fairly innocent (I mean, it’s plot/character-based stuff, almost like a manga) but not anything too 'big’ you know? If I was old enough to buy games like that with my own money I don’t think they’d care tho, as long as I didn’t get obsessed with games or anything.)

Also just realized that I’m stupid and apparently forgot that I don’t have Steam. I was going to install it but can I ask you exactly what it is/how it works, first? I’m just kinda worried about randomly installing this since I don’t quite get it yet ^^;; (sorry I can be really, really stupid when it comes to stuff like this)

THAT’S SO CUTE. Let me recommend you a game too- a free RPG/Dating game called Ascension by ImpQueen! No download, you just go to ImpQueen and play it. There are three(?) chapters. The first chapter might not be that interesting compared to other games, but the game and the story keep getting more complex as you go on :D you also get new dateable characters every chapter and the MC, Aida, is AWESOME. Also, in chapter two and three you can actually customize the main cast’s appearances, like you’d do in a dress-up game! Another cool thing is that you get different 'personality points' depending on the things you say/do, and the amount of points you have for a certain personality can change the outcomes of certain situations.

It’s also really fun because other than the romance, the plot and Aida’s journey is super interesting too.

Do you know I’ve been reading some Ishida tweets lately and look at this (yes these are all real)

Fan: Excuse me, is it ok if I ask what major you chose at university?

Ishida: I have studied worthless knowledge in University.

Fan: Please take good care of yourself and eat well! (I think that’s what they said? It was in Japanese so)

Ishida: I ate some tomatoes!

Fan: How do you draw Arima, sensei? It’s so hard to draw him ;-;

Ishida: Sadistic & Massive. I keep that in my mind.

Fan: I love you please marry me

Ishida: Sure! When is convenient for you?

Fan: Be sure to rest when you need to, sensei…

Ishida: I don’t wanna rest

Fan: HOW DID AMON’S EYEBROWS GET LIKE THAT PLEASE I MUST KNOW SENSEI

Ishida: It’s natural, you know.

Fan with a picture of a cartoon skeleton for their profile pic: Will we ever learn what happened to Hide, sensei? Also, thank you for the sequel :) I love TG

Ishida: Well, I’m not sure…by the way, you are so skinny. Thank you!

Also, dude reads Shoujo manga. He tortures us with Touken, Kanae, Tsukiyama/Kaneki, Saiko/Urie…and then he goes and posts fanart he drew of a Shoujo manga he was reading and says that he’s sad it’s over omg

0////0

…

I’d probably never want to leave that flask HOW COULD A TINY INSIGNIFICANT HUMAN DEFEAT ME SO EASILY NOOO

*sigh* I didn’t raise you to be like this…

(I just got the funniest/weirdest idea though: So Evans is like Luna’s mom in this relationship, Riza is Roy’s mom. Imagine what would happen when Roy/Luna got to the 'meeting the parents’ stage in their relationship)

Mei’s version of subtle-

Mei: Mr. Scar, Evans thinks you have pretty eyes.

Scar:

Scar: What

(basically catastrophe. And I would never have actually said that…Luna probably told Mei to say that I said something nice about him and that’s what the kid came up with OTL)

Well, he became a criminal in Civil War so not a big surprise really ;-;

For a second I thought that pic was you

Wow, that’s great! Bet it looks amazing on the queen <3333

Funny thing is I thought I liked physical contact (like cuddling, hugging, hand-holding) but turns out that’s not the case XD I get super awkward when anyone who’s not my mom, dad, or my little sister/younger cousin touches me. Tbh the only person I feel comfortable with cuddling anytime, anywhere is my little sister because she’s still smol LOL

It’s definitely weird when people who aren’t that close with you try to hug you though. The only thing that can make it worse is if they gush about what a good, sweet child you are while doing it XD

(btw, I sent you a message about the TG Re Volume 12 omake; did it get eaten?)

((EDIT AFTER NEW CHAP OF TG: WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUU NO URIE NO N O)) Feel free to send more art anytime! I’ll always be glad to see it ^^

Is he really that bad? I mean, I’ve seen some memes, but didn’t think he was that trashy XD

Oh wow, thank you for that :P Who knows, maybe I would’ve broken my computer screen, because end the suffering already.

Dabbing Saiko, best Saiko. I assumed it was her because of the hair, but wasn’t 100% sure. Isn’t that Urie’s default face, tho. I mean, when is that man impressed? He does show emotion when he’s trying to comfort someone, but that doesn’t happen very often. *stares at that paragraph* *dabs aggressively*

Ah, that’s what makes it even more impressive! I mean, we had art in elementary school, but it was mostly the ‘learn stuff yourself’ kind of art. Needles to say, I didn’t learn a lot. But watercolours really are a nice way of painting, since they can have really vibrant colours, yet be serene at the same time. Most people I know who draw, watercolour or not, use sketches and references, so I don’t see anything wrong with that ^^ Just take your time to learn what you want ^^

Oh, I see! So, free, computer games for you… Well, right now, CP is the only one I can think of, but I’ll discover more in the future and share them with you when I do ^^ The only paid games I play are on my phone, since I’m too shy to ask my parents to but me otome games… I have 0 problems playing them on my own, but not a lot of people know that I play them.

Right, steam. It’s a gaming platform. Technically, it’s an app for the computer on which you can download games that are available in the steam store. Some are free, some are paid.

This is how the page looks. The little green button in the upper left corner is to download the app itself, and you’ll also need to create an account. You’ll need to give an email, but it’s only for account verification and to send you bills if you decide to buy anything. However, if you don’t buy anything, the email will mostly be useless after the verification. I mean, I don’t remember getting a spam email from them at all. After that, just go to the search bar, type Cinderella Phenomenon. And press play the game! It should automatically download the game to the steam app and you’re good to play ^^ No worries about asking questions! It’s actually admirable how you’re so careful around the internet ^^

Oh, I’ve actually played that before! I could never finish chapter 3, though… For some reason, it keeps glitching at one scene making me unable to continue further =3= It was quite fun to play! I just don’t remember most of it anymore, since it’s been a while since i’ve played ^^;;;

Ishida summarised my high school experience so far in a single tweet, only it’s about University XD

Wow. That’s so mean of him XD Seriously Ishida, why you gotta torture us so much??? (I just noticed my computer stopped auto-correcting Ishida, I think it finally learned I wanted to type it)

Muhahahahaha I’ve contained the legendary dwarf!!! Now she won’t be able to convince a whole nation to commit collective suicide because their leader is a naive idiot!!

The two of you just talk about how randomly childish the two of us can get at times XD I think you’d get along pretty well with Riza, though. I mean, she’s a nice person, who knows what it’s like to be scared, so she’d be fine with taking lead of the conversation.

Scar isn’t sure if it’s Mei’s idea of a prank or not, but he’d be slightly disappointed if it was cause he kindawantedEvanstothinkhiseyesarenice but nope he’s in denial.

From that day on, Luna learns that if she wants to get the two awkward dorks together, she’ll have to take things into her own hands. Probably goes something like this:

Luna: Evans, are you free at 5pm this Friday? Evans: Yeah, why? Luna: Scar, are you free at 5pm this Friday? Scar: Aha Luna: Great, because I’m not! Have fun you two!

My sweet sunshine child cap T^T

Aah, no, my hair i shorter than that ^^;;; Also, I look younger than I am OTL

I think it’s more of the ‘I like physical contact if I know the person and am close enough to them’ thingy. I mean, I have a few acquaintances who love hugs and I always shrink away from them, but with close friends, U’m sometimes the one who starts hugs. But you might also dislike contact in general, which is also fine, everyone has their own preferences ^^

I did, but I only noticed after I answered your message OTL Well, that’s certainly an interesting ship… Now I slightly ship it…

#evans #submission

0 notes