#i have bouts of what feels like mania and depression

[l48yr1nth]

i feel slightly bipolar. very slightly.

[cursezone]

i kinda really hate how certain terms and concepts are only treated as existing if theyre a part of a specific disorder as if people who arent bipolar dont experience mania or that you must be referring to an episode if you say you feel manic like its not even just a misconception everyday people have its in the systemmmmmmmmmmmm like wtf

[eternal-moss]

Good Lord I cannot stop Simonposting

Anyway. The Golbetty shrine. Is incredibly messed up and delightfully feels like the sort of thing someone would construct after comprehending the god of chaos.

It’s clearly not Simon’s first time doing the ritual in vain (we’ve already seen him try many times in the montage at the end of the show to get her back, including consulting the Cosmic Owl and Prismo), so there’s holes in the wall that correspond to Golb’s symbols. The Enchiridion is also there, which was the main source of power for summoning elder gods like the Litch (used to resurrect himself) Golb (used by Magic Man and Betty) and (attempt to) time travel (by Betty). But before the apocalypse, the Enchiridion was owned by Simon himself, and both him and Betty studied it. So it has the twofold power of being a very strong magic battery and has the emotional link to Petrigrof.

The empty bottles and whatever those terrifying lamprey looking things are in a makeshift statue, harbouring a cleaner looking idol (which he probably created himself) out of clay. Making a statue of a god at least twice? Does that mean that even if one gets broken or damaged he has the other one? Or does it make the rituals stronger?

We know that Simon knew a bit about Golb before the apocalypse- in the final episode of the main series we have a flashback of him and Betty, where he says “I keep seeing reference to this mysterious entity that embodies chaos” and “his presence is felt in every crevice where chaos lurks”. To which Betty replies “well it’s a good thing he isn’t here then.”

She sacrificed herself to keep him safe and away from the god of chaos and madness, by fusing her soul with his. Golb being this sort of god means that he’s probably the originator of MMS (Magic, Madness and Sadness) which is a canonical condition where insane/depressed characters will have a higher propensity to magic, and magic users are more prone to bouts of mania, amnesia and depression.

The crown was basically a catalyst of MMS, which caused Simon to have unnatural elemental powers (unlike the elementals which don’t experience default MMS) as well as effecting his body and mind.

Betty is pretty much the only character to have ‘diagnosed’ MMS, recognising it in most magic users, and in Simon, hoping to undo its effects on him. Her theory is proven correct in the episode ‘Betty’ by Bella Noche undoing all the magic in Wizard City and the effects of the crown are nullified, and retracts its influence from Simon, causing him to become ‘normal again’ and regain his clarity and memories.

Grief is shown to be a strong natural catalyst to MMS, which also happened to Magic Man (after his wife Margles was ‘taken by Golb’ which still has an unclear meaning, she definitely didn’t fuse like Betty, although wishing her back at Prismo’s did the exact same thing as Simon wishing Betty back which is really unusual), and Betty herself after the ‘You Forgot Your Floaties’ episode (which by the way is like one of the best episodes in the show).

Betty’s whole motive was to save Simon and free him from madness, which she did at the cost of her soul. But now, ironically, Simon’s grief is causing him to develop it again, which is how he channels the Golb rituals (like how Betty and magic man did) and also probably how the Fionnaverse portal even opened up in the first place.

Something about about Simon having panic attacks in his house and just generally getting triggered by a lot of stuff (Ice, the books he wrote as Ice King, etc) but then gently stroking the clay idol he made of the god of madness because that’s his wife is just heart breaking

Look at that expression :( it’s longing followed by guilt because he knows this is exactly what she would never want him to do.

[power-chords]

My folks and I have been reading some of the literature on COVID/Bipolar I and they seem to suspect — and I’m inclined to agree with them — that what I thought was “long COVID” after my second bout with the virus may have in fact been my first recognizable depressive episode. Most of my symptoms overlapped with the depressive phase of Bipolar I, so disentangling the two is probably impossible in retrospect, but for many many months I was behaving in ways that are completely uncharacteristic of my personality: I was exhausted, unmotivated, and even more inattentive than my ADHD makes me ordinarily; I was uninterested in things that give me great pleasure, like going to shows and creative writing; I had brain fog so bad it was an uphill battle doing things that otherwise come quite easily to me, like communicating verbally and expressing myself with clarity and precision. Gradually these symptoms subsided, and I became even more productive and social than usual, which may very well have been a protracted hypomanic phase. I caught COVID again earlier this year, and by the start of July I was spiraling into full blown mania, prone to intense emotional states like expansive rapturous joy and crying jags at the drop of a hat. Music, theater, and reading fiction felt almost unbearably moving and profound. I was writing like crazy, and pretty soon afterward I was acting crazy, too, with racing thoughts and speech, disturbed sleep, and thoughts/ideas that were growing progressively more disordered and paranoid.

I prefer the term “manic depression,” though some consider it antiquated/offensive, because to me it most accurately describes my experience. But by my 36th birthday my new shrink had diagnosed me with full blown Bipolar I. I’m much better now with several weeks of a mood stabilizer under my belt, and this past weekend we went with the “nuclear option,” I.E. a four-day course of high dose antipsychotics. I was miserable from the extrapyramidal side effects, and had to take Xanax throughout in order to tolerate the akathisia and restless leg syndrome. But thank god, it snapped me right out of it, and knock on wood I’m back to my old self — with a little luck, I’ll have another 15 years symptom-free, or with just low grade hypomanic/depressive states that are so mild as to feel like ordinary, subclinical mood swings.

What I’m struggling with is the feeling that I’ve been handed a label sticker that amounts to crippling disability at best, and an early death sentence at worst. I will probably always have to keep these incredibly powerful drugs with their rotten side effect profile on hand, and may one day need to take them consistently, if I wind up having future severe episodes. To have to choose between Shitty and Shittier over a dangerous brain disease feels like I’ve been dealt the world’s worst genetic hand, and that bums me out a lot. I know it’s not my fault, but seeing the agony I’ve put my parents through is the worst part. Figuring out how to manage this is going to be a lifelong struggle against my own lousy biology, and that sucks. I’m trying to stay optimistic. It’s been really, really hard.

[seungminnie-meong]

roommate ateez reacting to you dealing with mental illness

Your roommate Ateez finding out/reacting to you having a mental illness. GN reader for all, Feminine clothing in Wooyoungs, makeup in sans.  CW for mental illness including depression, bipolar/mania, self-harm (if you're sensitive skip San and Mingi) , and eating disorders/body dysmorphia (if you're sensitive skip Wooyoung and Jongho)

Hongjoong was never one to pry. He usually minded his own business, and you minded yours. That was how the two of you worked so well as roommates. But one day, he couldn’t shake the notion that something was wrong. It was nearly 7 pm and he hadn’t seen you the entire day. He decided to go out and pick up some ingredients to make dinner for the both of you, as he hadn’t seen you eat at all so far today. When he came back, you were still holed up in your room, so he decided against his non-prying nature, and gently knocked on your door. He heard some quiet shuffling, and after a few moments, a tired looking you opened the door. He smiled, glad to know you were okay.

“I bought us some stuff to make dinner, I know you haven’t eaten all day. Do you want to help me?” He offered gently, and you nodded. You were slightly embarrassed to still be in your pajamas at 7 at night, but Hongjoong understood. He never asked any questions, he just quietly sat beside you and made sure you always knew you didn’t have to be alone through this. He knew you didn’t always feel like talking about it, and that was okay. The two of you stood quietly in the kitchen while you chopped vegetables and Joongie cooked up some meat. He stopped to play some music over the speaker he kept in the kitchen. As Billie Jean played through the speaker he began to sway and dance to the beat and you just giggled at him. He grabbed both of your hands to get you to dance along and you just laughed. He may have been a professional dancer but the way he was dancing now was definitely intended only to make you laugh. You began to dance along with him as best as you could, abandoning your chopped vegetables. Hongjoong started jumping around, singing into his wooden spoon as a mic, putting on a complete kitchen concert. Before you know it, you forget what you were even sad about to begin with. 

Seonghwa was caring by nature, and he was the first to notice when you started to have a depression spell. He knew he couldn’t stop the depression from coming on, but he could help you by making sure you were well taken care of. The first day he noticed you sleeping in until noon, he was doing your laundry for you and reminding you to brush your teeth. The day he noticed you hadn’t bothered with eating any real food, he was filling up your water bottle and placing it on your nightstand and cooking ramyeon for the two of you for dinner. But, the day he heard you sniffling and crying behind the closed door of your room, he was at a loss. He felt helpless. He knew how to take care of your needs, but when it came to helping you with the actual depression, he was stuck. He sat in the living room, conflicted. He had never dealt with depression before. He had his bouts with anxiety occasionally, but this was a different kind of beast. He thought back on what helped him when he felt sad. He walked back to his room and pulled all the blankets and stuffies off of his bed and marched back to your door, knocking twice before pushing the door open. “Hwa? What are you doing?” you said through teary eyes. “We're gonna build a fort.” “Why?” You choked out a sob, and Seonghwa fought the urge to not cry himself. He was a pretty emotional guy, and you were important to him. Seeing you cry made him sad. To distract himself, he got busy pulling blankets over your furniture, slowly making the fort come together. After a minute, you stopped sniffling, getting up from your bed to help him. It was so absurd that you really had no other choice but to help him, I mean he was in your room after all. As the two of you worked together to put your pillows and plushies in the final places and admire your work, Seonghwa pulled you into the fort and into his chest to hold you tightly. “I know I don’t always know how to help you feel better or what to say, but I want you to know I’m always here for you no matter what, okay?”

Yunho was an early riser. He liked waking up early to get a run in before he started his day. So imagine his surprise when he woke up to find you still awake from the day before. He leaned against your doorframe in his workout clothes, looking at you confused. “What are you still doing up? It’s seven in the morning.” You just put your phone down and shrugged, a yawn escaping your lips. You knew exactly what it was, but you couldn’t bring yourself to tell Yunho. The pharmacy hadn’t been able to fill your meds yet this week and you could feel a hypomanic episode coming on. Yunho was somewhat aware that you had bipolar type II because he knew you took medication every day, but he didn’t really understand what it was like if you were off your medication. Your thoughts had been racing since early that day, and you’d been going nonstop since you got home from work, cleaning your whole bedroom from top to bottom. Yunho looked at you quizzically, not convinced. “I just can’t sleep,” It wasn’t entirely a lie, but not entirely the truth either. He looked worried for you. Ever since you moved in together, Yunho was like a big brother to you, he was always concerned about your mental health and making sure you were taking care of yourself. “Alright, if you’re not gonna sleep, at least keep me company on this run.” He grabbed your hand and pulled you up out of your warm comfy bed with many a complaint from you. But you couldn’t deny that the idea of a run sounded nice to get some of your energy out. You pushed him out and shut the door behind him so you could pull on some shorts and a hoodie with some sneakers, and he met you at the door with two full water bottles. The two of you kept an easy jogging pace and got to watch the sun come over the horizon, which was really beautiful. By the time you got back, you could finally feel tiredness seeping into the back of your mind. When you woke up from your couple hour nap on you and yunho’s shared couch, he was freshly showered with wet hair in a hoodie and sweats playing on his playstation. You sat behind him and leaned on his back; cheek squished against his shoulder. “Feeling well rested?” you felt the reverberations of his chuckle through his back. “A little bit.” you yawned. “Thanks for making me go running with you, I couldn’t sleep because the stupid pharmacy hasn’t been able to refill my meds this week and I've been feeling so manic.” You explained. He reached around and placed a hand on your knee. “You could’ve just told me, you know I’m always here to help you. I know I don’t always know what to do but I’m always here for you bubs.” 

Yeosang is insanely empathetic, so there’s no hiding from him. The moment the two of you moved in together you realized he was always going to notice every little moodswing. It took some time before he became good at dealing with them, because at first he was far too shy to approach you about it, so he just sat idly by and worried about you whenever you got sad. After some time, he got braver, sometimes knocking gently on your door with a warm cup of tea and your favorite chocolate. After a while, you guys finally became friends, and Yeosang decided he wasn’t going to let you just suffer in silence, so he would invite you out with your other mutual friends and try to get you out of the house, even against his own introverted nature, just to get you to have some fun. But sometimes, there were really hard days, where you could hardly drag yourself out of bed. Even still Yeosang was right there beside you with a cold glass of water and some funny videos on his laptop to watch with you until he could get you out of bed. He knew everything was a matter of baby steps on your depressive days. And on manic days, like today, he was always there to listen to every racing thought, there to help pull you back to reality when you got too excited, and remind you to eat, shower, and take your meds. Yeosang even put a big calendar on the fridge with all of your therapy dates and medication refill times so you wouldn’t forget. He was your rock. Today, he was away at work, so you were trying your best to stay stable while you were alone. You were so ecstatic when you finally heard the front door open, you ran down the front hallway, sliding on the hardwood floor in your socks into Yeosang’s arms, giggling all the while. He gave you a big hug, patting your hair. You were so grateful for him.

You and your roommate San had made a little trip to Ikea to get a new vanity for your bedroom, and he had agreed that he would help you put it together. You had been slowly redecorating your room for the past few months now, and you were quite happy with the way it was coming along. The new vanity was just one final piece that you needed, along with a new bed frame and a couple of posters you had already ordered. You and San were dumping out the contents of your old vanity one drawer at a time, making piles of what you did and didn’t need to keep, as you hadn’t cleaned it out in as long as you should’ve. It had been probably 6 months or longer since you had cleaned out the vanity, and some of the makeup in it had probably expired by now, so San was checking the expiration dates on each product and making piles of what was still good and what was bad. You were going through other junk drawers including perfumes and skincare and doing the same. Suddenly you heard a gasp from San. You looked up to find a small bag in his hands, a bag you unfortunately recognized. “Y/n… What is this?” San muttered, a waver in his voice. It was a bag you used to keep razor blades in, and you hadn’t used them in a very long time, but you had never gotten around to disposing of them either since you had honestly forgotten about them. “Sannie, it’s not what it looks like, I promise i’ve been clean for a long time.” He met your eyes, and you swear you saw his eyes watering just slightly. “You promise?” “I swear. I’ll throw them away right now.” He wipes his eyes and stands, marching over to your bathroom. You follow behind him, and he dumps the contents of the bag into the toilet. He gives the blades a little wave before flushing them down. “Fuck those guys.” “Agreed.” “Promise me you’re okay, though?” “I promise, Sannie. “ He pulls you into a big hug.

Your roommate Mingi had brought you along to a party to get you out of the house. You didn’t mind it, you enjoyed parties, but since you had agreed to be the designated driver, you were holding back from drinking tonight. That didn’t stop you from dancing and having fun with Mingi and the rest of his friends. As the night continued on, you found yourself in a little group with Mingi and some of his other guy friends. Mingi was a little buzzed, and he was getting loud. Some of his friends were joking about Mingi being emo, and he loved that. “I love emo. I wanna be emo.” He slurred just a little bit, and you smiled at him. One of his friends looked over to you and sneered. “Your friend here is already emo, though.” The guy said. You were confused, there wasn’t anything inherently “emo” about your appearance, you were wearing a black sweater, but that was the extent of it. The guy and his other friend snicker, before the other guy lets out a joke. “Wrist check, am I right?” You were appalled. You had no idea how they knew about that, unless one of them saw your scars by accident when you hadn’t noticed. You were pissed. Mingi was just confused. You stormed off without a retaliation. You went out into the front yard to get some fresh air, and Mingi stumbled after you. “What happened? What does that mean?” He slurred. “Don’t worry about it Mingi. They were just being mean,” you explained. “I’m confused.” He whined. You turned to him and just looked at him with a pained expression. He really had no idea. “Look, Mingi, they were making fun of me for having self-harm scars.” You explained. His jaw dropped; he was shocked. He grabbed your hand. “I'm so sorry, Y/n, I had no idea. Those guys are assholes. I should go in there and-” “Mingi, no. It’s over now. Let’s just not hang out with those guys anymore.” “Deal. Are you okay? You don’t- you don’t do that anymore, do you?” He sounded concerned, like he had suddenly sobered up in the last few seconds. “I’m okay. It’s been a long time, but I'm doing better now. I just have old scars now, so now all I have to deal with is stupid people.” You told him. “That's good. I’m proud of you. And next time I’ll beat anyone’s ass that mentions them.” He grabs your hands in both of his and leads you back into the party. 

It was nearly two weeks before halloween, and you and wooyoung were in a rush to find the perfect costumes for a party you were both attending. Wooyoung, as your best friend and perfect roommate, was trying to convince you to wear something sexy and revealing to impress this guy you knew would be attending the party. He had helped you pick out a somewhat skimpy angel costume, a cat costume with more leather than you knew what to do with, and a cop with a quite short skirt. Honestly you felt a little ridiculous. Wooyoung was trying on all sorts of scary masks and hyping you up about your costumes, but you were worried about how you’d look in them. You found your way to the dressing room while Wooyo looked through various prop weapons. You breathed in deep and let it out, looking over the costumes Wooyoung picked out for you. You know he just wanted to help you look hot, but you of all people definitely weren’t going to look like the models on the packages. Your body just didn’t look like that. As you pulled on the first costume, a short white dress with cute little angel wings and a little angel halo headband, you caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. It looked alright, but the dress didn’t fit quite right. It didn’t lay the way it was supposed to and it rode up in certain places and it just didn’t look the way it was meant to. With a huff, you pulled the dress back over your head and moved on to option two. It was a leather catsuit with some cat themed accessories. You pulled on the catsuit, but it was the same thing as the dress. It just didn’t look right. Something about your body looked off. Something was wrong, but you couldn’t place your finger on it. You felt tears prick at your eyes as you pulled the catsuit off, getting ready to pull on the third costume. It was a short cop dress, and you just couldn’t stand the way your legs looked in it. At this point, you were really upset, and you hiccuped out a sob. You covered your mouth with your hands, hoping Wooyoung wouldn’t hear, but to no avail. In seconds, he was knocking on the dressing room door, worried. “Y/n?” Are you okay?” He called out for you. “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m almost done.” You told him, but your voice was thick with tears. “Are you crying? Let me in.” You sighed but you opened the door for him anyway. He caught a look of the cop costume you were wearing and gave you a once over. “Woah. You look hot. Why are you crying, babe?” He enveloped you in a hug. “I don’t feel hot.” You hiccuped into his shoulder. He hummed in understanding. “I get it.” He placed his chin atop your head. “Your brain is telling you one thing, but I just want you to know you look so incredibly beautiful and this costume would totally kill any man who saw you in it, including me.” “Thanks, Wooyo. I just don’t think I’m confident enough to wear this kind of costume yet. They’re cute and all, but not for me.” “Then does that mean we can wear one of those stupid cheesy couples' costumes?!” He grinned at you. “Fine, Wooyoung.”  

You wake up with a splitting headache. You immediately regret drinking as much as you did last night. It was fun while it lasted, but it had horrible consequences this morning. There was a cold bottle of water and ibuprofen on your nightstand, probably courtesy of your angel of a roommate and designated driver from last night, Jongho. You down half the bottle with the ibuprofen and try to sit up out of bed while the room spins. Suddenly, you feel the urge to vomit, so you rush to the bathroom. You lose all the water you just drank, but your stomach was empty otherwise, so it's just water and bile. You feel tears prick at your eyes. You hate throwing up. You’ve been doing so well in bulimia recovery for so long and this feels like a setback, you know you can’t help it because you're hungover, but it makes you want to cry. You throw up one more time and let out a sob. The headache only pounds harder against your skull with every heave, until you hear a knock at the door. Jongho shouldn’t have to see you in this state. You try to bite back another sob, but he pushes the door open just a bit. “Are you alright? I thought I heard crying?” He questions. “I’m okay. Just hungover.” You sniffle. He pushes the door the rest of the way open and hands you another cold water bottle. “Why are you crying, angel?” He squats down in front of you and gently caresses your face. His hand is cool against your warm face. “I just don’t feel good, Jongie.” You hiccup. You don’t know how to tell him you’re terrified of throwing up. “Why don’t we get some food in you and maybe that’ll make you feel better? Hmm?” He gently grabs your hand and pulls you up from the bathroom floor. He pulls your arms over his shoulder and leads you into the kitchen, setting you in one of the chairs. He even brings the trashcan over to you just in case. He pulls out all the ingredients to make your favorite waffles. “I’m just scared of throwing up. I’ve been doing so well for so long and I’m so scared this is gonna set me back.” You explain once the room stops spinning. Jongho sets down the spatula he’s holding. “I get that. I just want you to know I see how well you’re doing and I’m here for you. We can get through this together. You can do this; I know you can.” He sets down a plate of warm chocolate chip waffles in front of you and you feel the nausea leaving you. “Thanks, Jongie.”

[prettypinkporkchop]

Can I request Paul or Quil, whichever you prefer x reader, where reader has a manic episode and just Linda disappears of the face of the earth for like HOURS and everyone is stressing because they just cannot find this bitch only for her to pull up to there house at like 2am in like a post manic daze where they're just confused and don't know what happened or how they got there

Quil Atear x Fem Reader

WARNINGS: Mentions of bpd, bipolar, mania, depression

You have been staring at the ceiling. Your brain is itching to do something. You dont want to be around anyone, but you need to do something. You check the time. 4:00 A.M. You push the blankets off of you. You walk out of your house, leaving your phone behind. You giggle to yourself and then shut the front door behind you, running off. Finding somewhere to go.

Quil:

"When you two wake up, come to my place." Sam orders me while the pack goes our separate ways after patrolling. I nod my head and run toward my house. Well, OUR house.

As I reach the door, I notice I can't feel her. There's a pit in my stomach. I open the door and walk around. "Baby, I'm home." I look in every room.

Once I reach the bedroom, I check her daily medication organizer. Every tab is full. Today is Thursday. I pull out her bottles and pour them out, counting quickly.

She hasn't taken them in two weeks. My heart sinks. Why would she lie to me about taking them? I have to keep up with these numbers because she's done this before, but she never ran off like this.

I run out of the house and call Sam.

"Hello?"

"Please, get the guys out here. Y/n." Is all I could spit out.

Your pov:

You sigh in content as you fall onto the ground of the cliff. You lay your head back over it, your hair falling down, not even close to the water underneath. You keep your body on the rock. You close your eyes and debate about jumping.

You decide not to and then stand back up. As you stand back up, you smell something. You follow the smell and see a group of young adults at a fire. "Who are you?" A blonde boy asks. You sit next to two girls. One with glasses and the other one giving you a snobby look. "Rain." You come up with a fake name. (Sorry if you're Rain. Come up with like... pinky doo?) They look at each other in confusion. "I'm Eric! That's Mike." The other guy says while pointing to the blonde guy that asked your name. "Jess." The snobby girl says. "Angela!" The other girl smiles. "Sorry to intrude! I didn't mean to. I was just walking around enjoying the scenery. It's a calm day." You try to make it seem casual. Mike raises an eyebrow. "It's... always a calm down here." Jess awkwardly chuckles, looking around at her friends.

Quils pov:

Oh my god. I fall on my knees and start crying, holding onto her jacket that lays in the damp grass. Is she gone? She can't be. I'd feel it.

Jared comes up behind me and hugs me. "It's okay. She's not gone." The other guys follow suit, holding me as I break down. "C'mon, Quil. We've got to go." Sam says with compassion. Once we all stand up, he grabs my shoulders, shaking me slightly. "We are going to find her."

Your pov:

They all start laughing at your joke as you talk about a fake scenario that never happened. "Yeah! And when the Uber driver looked up at me through the mirror, he said, 'Clean that up'." Everyone bursts into laughter.

Suddenly, you got tired of the company and wanted to leave and do something else. "Okay! Bout to bop out. Gotta head home." You stand up. They all say bye and you walk away.

The breeze hits you, and you see your fingers turning white. The cold isn't bothering you at this state of mind, but you know Quil would kill you if you ended up losing limbs. We'll, sucks that you lost your jacket somewhere.

You keep running around and suddenly see train tracks. This peaked your interest, and you laid down on the tracks. You closed your eyes and relaxed. You hear in the distance a train is coming. You can feel the vibration underneath you. You sit up and stare ahead of you, waiting for the last second to jump. You start laughing at how good you feel.

The train gets closer.

Closer.

The light is so bright it's nearly blinding you. You raise your arms up and scream as if you're on a rollar coaster. The train blows its horn, and you quickly roll off to the side. Barely 30 seconds go by, and the train blasts through. Your hair blows everywhere, and you're smiling. You sit there until the train leaves.

They always said the rails were burning hot when a train rolls through. You put your hand on the rusty, brown metal rail, and you leave your hand there. You soak in the feeling of the burn. You close your eyes, and you imagine your hand sitting in a fire without your skin melting off. You take your hand off and look. Red, bloody, skin peeling, some black spots.

Quils pov:

1 a.m. At Emily's.

We all sit in the living room. I hear Rachel yawn for the fifth time. "You can go to sleep, love. Don't worry." Paul whispers to her. She shakes her head. I keep my elbows rested on my knees, hands together, and on my chin. Emily walks in with sodas and cake. She sits down next to Sam. "You can't feel anything bad?" Embry asks, suggesting do I feel her soul has left. I shake my head no. I don't. But what if she is, and I just refuse to allow it to hit me. "Maybe we should call Renesmee. Maybe Alice could help us." Jared suggests. "Anything. God. Anything." I start crying.

Suddenly, the door bursts open. There stands my imprint. She has a smile on her face. She looks disheveled. I quickly jump up and go to her. "Where the fuck were you?!" I scream and look all over her for any sign of injury. I look at her hands and see one is burnt. "Fuck!" I yell. She's still smiling in space. "I had a good day. Did you?" She asks me without... asking me. She's not here with me. I turn back to see everyone looking at us with confused faces. "I'm taking her home. Thank you guys. Love you." I walk out while pulling her.

"I made friends!" She giggles. I stay silent.

Next morning YOUR POV:

You wake up with my hand on fire. You see it bandaged up. Your head is pounding. You sit up and see Quil sitting up with his knees up and elbows wrapped around so his hands are holding each other. He looks upset. "Baby?" You whisper. He slowly looks over at you. "Do you remember anything?" He asks. You do a little bit. You nod your head and look down. "I counted your medicines." He says. Your heart aches. You forget to take them but you tell Quil that you do. "Why would you lie to me?" He asks, his voice shaky. You felt tremendous guilt that almost had you puking. "I just keep forgetting, and I am sorry for lying." You sniffle. You look beside you and see sleeping pills and tea. That's how you knocked out.

Quil moves, grabbing your bottles and handing them to you. You stare at them. "Now." He demands. "I'll have an alarm set for every day at the same time." You respond. You open the bottles and pour the amount in your hand. "This is really embarrassing." You sigh while taking the pills. "There's nothing embarrassing about taking medication, y/n." His tone is more aggressive. "I know, I know. I meant telling the pack. They all must think I'm crazy now." You start to cry. He pulls you into his chest. He kisses the top of your head. "You're family. They will never think that. They will always have your back." He whispers to you and runs his fingertips along your arm. "I love you." He places more kisses on your head. "I love you, too."

[earlgreytea68]

Just a quick thought dump, but "Bishop's Knife Trick" popped up on my playlist today, and I can't help but wonder if the lyrics "These are the last blues we're ever gonna have" were written at least in part as a promise to Patrick. The hiatus could have crumbled everything they built together, but they still came back stronger than ever, and now nothing can tear them apart again!

That line is, in typical Pete Wentz style, so multi-layered and can be taken so many different ways. Pete is fond of the word "blue" and its homophones and all their many connotations and often plays around with it (see "Tiffany Blews" and "Hum Hallelujah" "I sing the blues and swallow them, too"). That line in BKT is more of Pete's obsession with how many different and contradictory things he can form into one simple line like that. Possibilities:

"The blues" as a reference to the song genre. These are the last time we will venture into the rhythm and blues. I think some people thought this song was actually evidence of a permanent hiatus, that the band would never play again, because these were "the last blues" they were ever going to have.

"The blues" as a reference to the metaphorical state of depression underlying the song genre. This can be Pete's bouts with depression in a more literal sense, or it could be, as you point out, a reference to the hiatus era depressing feelings between them. The use of the plural we implies the latter more than the former.

"The blues" as a reference to pills (as it's also used in "Hum Hallelujah"). Which seems again to circle around to Pete's issues with overmedication and prescription pills and coming free of that.

I have seen in the past, before SMFS came out, argue that BKT as the last song on Mania was, as I said in the first bullet point, a farewell song from the band to all of us, that they were done and walking away. This always struck me as a negative interpretation of the song (and also time has revealed it to be incorrect). Idk, Mania can sometimes inspire in people a bunch of negativity.

I have always thought BKT is an incredibly hopeful song, full of lush romanticism and declarations of devotion. (Mania actually has a bunch of love songs on it, I think.) And yes, as you say, that particular line can definitely be read as a promise, especially since the next lines say that the glow of the cities will lead them back to places they never should have left -- a hiatus-y thought if ever there was one.

Also, I will never, ever, ever get over the line "spiritual revolt from the waist down" from the man who once proclaimed himself to be gay only above the waist. Like, honestly, I cannot believe that lyric exists in the world and is in this song, with these lines.

Not being a fan of Alien, I initially had no idea what the title of this song meant, and thought maybe it was something about chess???? Also, when I Googled it back then, all it gave me as results was the FOB song, and I was so frustrated lol. But then I finally figured it out and now I really love it as a title to this song because I think it really is all about pulling something off something impossible and impressive and needing to trust each other more. Which is another post-hiatus message.

So yes, this is really a song all about coming back from the hiatus, it's settled. ;-)

[gay-disabled-characters-showdown]

LGBTQ+ Disabled Characters Showdown Round 1, Wave 5, Poll 15

A character being totally canon LGBTQ+ and disabled was not required to be in this competition. Please check qualifications and propaganda before asking why a character is included.

Check out the other polls in this wave and prior here.

Seven of Nine-Star Trek Voyager and Picard

Qualifications:

She is an ex-borg, and as such needs mechanical prosthetics to function and has PTSD from assimilation. She is canonically gay, and has dated several women in Star Trek Picard.

Propaganda:

She's a space ranger who is a lesbian!! What more could you want?

Submitted by @convenient-plot-device

Kuruto Ryuki-AI: The Somnium Files- Nirvana Initiative

Qualifications:

LGBTQ+: He is canonically bisexual (his romantic feelings for another male character are an important part of the plot, and he has a physical relationship with a different character who’s a woman). Disability: He experiences psychotic episodes as well as/possibly caused by PTSD. While I wouldn’t call it perfect rep, the game treats this with surprising empathy—the other characters are only ever gently concerned about him, which ultimately helps him into a place where he can start managing his symptoms. It’s possibly the only video game I’ve ever seen where a character discusses doing inpatient psychiatric care as a serious option that might save his life, not as a threat or a horror level.

CANONICALLY MLM!! Probably bi but they're very vague about whether he likes women. He definitely has a crush on his cringefail male mentor tho <3 And he canonically has hallucinations and dissociative episodes! Also he's missing an eye and uses a prosthetic eye instead, which feels less notable considering the same can be said for at least 3 other main characters in the games, but he's still disabled!!! I'd also argue he's heavily implied to have PTSD considering a lot of his issues come from trauma.

He is clearly Bisexual, based on both his unrequited love for "Mr. Date" (Kaname Date, who I have also submitted), and his attraction to multiple female characters, including the very difficult to categorize relationship he has with the female sentient A.I. "Tama" that is implanted in his Prosthetic left eyeball (referred to in-universe as an "AI-Ball"). Also, quoting directly from the personality section of his article on the wiki (Spoilers ahead for the game AI: THE SOMNIUM FILES - nirvanA Initiative): "Another of Ryuki's defining traits is his difficulties with mental health. Although generally calm and collected, he is shown to suffer some form of survivor's guilt and PTSD; although he tries to channel his grief into determination for his investigative work, he generally does not handle emotional stress well, and is prone to bouts of depression, obsession, deep self doubt, and self-blame. His struggles initially stemmed from the traumatic loss of his twin brother in a traffic accident in pursuit of a criminal, and his dislike of stopped clocks, and his hatred of criminals originates from the same event. Additionally, as his symptoms appear to worsen as a result of more traumatic events that occurred during the events of the original Half Body Killing investigations (specifically his feelings of guilt over the apparent death of Date and his exposure to [an extremely potent and long-lasting fictional psychoactive drug that was going to be used in a doomsday cult's terrorist plot]), he becomes prone to dissociation, memory lapses, hallucinations, derealization, and even mania. He also appears to be strangely susceptible to the videos tied to the HB-Case (though this was the case even before his exposure to [the fictional psychoactive drug]), as they seem to trigger his dissociative episodes and hallucinations that leave him questioning his sense of reality. All this, in combination with his struggle to accept forgiveness from other people, lead him to spiral easily, and give him the appearance of being self-destructive and even dangerous. However, deep down he is merely a vulnerable person who deeply struggles with guilt and self-worth, and seeks atonement for his mistakes, but doesn't believe he is deserving of it. With the support of others, he is ultimately able to find the will to pull himself out his depression and start to recover."

Propaganda:

(Qualifying answer is also my propaganda!)

He's just... so skrunkly... He's a silly guy with so many problems and relies on the support AI inside his prosthetic eyeball :) He fell in love with a guy and then that guy went missing because of him and he blamed himself for 6 years while his mental health slipped (and it was ALREADY bad before that so... yeah, it really sucks). He's going through it constantly, but he's still funny and loveable and just trying his best ;-;

(In addition to the propaganda below, I highly recommend that the reasoning for his qualification be included in some capacity for propaganda) Ryuki grew up both rich and highly educated until his parents were killed in a plane crash. He was living with his younger brother until his death in 2014 when he was hit by a truck and half of his body was utterly crushed. The only thing Ryuki has left of his deceased parents is a white Rolls Royce Phantom limousine, which he uses as his primary means of transportation. Ryuki always sits in the back seat, with Tama using the car camera to steer the vehicle remotely. As Tama is an AI, the car is technically classified as "self-driving".

Mod Note: this man is known to me as orange man.

[akinkyginge3]

Hey everyone, there's something I need to put out there:

I may be a very hardcore kinkster and enjoy a lot of kink that takes a mental toll on those involved, however, that does not mean that I do not prioritize the mental well-being of my sexual partners/significant others/acquaintances. If you are struggling with mental health issues, please, seek help. You may feel as though you are entirely alone in your life, maybe you truly are isolated, or you may have gone through some really heavy shit in your life and experience severe (C)PTSD and depression; maybe you are suffering through a bout of psychosis or mania; maybe life is just too much for you right now. Know that there will always be someone out there who values you and will want to help.

If any of my followers are experiencing such struggles, please feel welcome to reach out to me, whether you have no one else to turn to or just need someone who is empathetic and understanding without judgement. I know what it is like to struggle with daily suicidal ideation and/or intent, fight against the black hole of deep depression, and endure the flashbacks of CPTSD. I can be an ear and a proverbial shoulder.

[poisonedspider]

HEAD CANON DROP because I think too much when talking to the SQUAD lol. This is going to seem all over the place because I'm trying to remember as I go along so. Also some of these might be repeats because my brain just goes oooo yeah that. And some of these pertain to other muses and you absolutely do NOT have to go along with them. If they go with other muses, it's up to that mun's discretion. This is just for if I'm NOT writing with that muse.

Anthony absolutely went to Catholic school. Italian New Yorker in the early 1900s? Come on. It's definitely also where he got a lot of his religious guilt from (see all my notes of his internalized homophobia). He didn't retain a lot of it because Henroin would pull him and Aracniss out of school consistently, most likely when Anthony was around 13 years old (that's a teenager and therefore an adult, right?) in order to train them in the mafia lifestyle. Molly continued with school and honestly that's probably a huge reason she got to Heaven (minus the fact she's a literal sweet fucking angel).

SPEAKING OF MOLLY. Because this is a huge part of my storyline with the squad. Molly is the MAIN reason that Angel wants to be redeemed. After seeing how the angels are, he really doesn't think Heaven is all that great (stfu I'm ignoring their finale about filling the hotel with sinners to be redeemed because if I saw Adam and his dick waffles coming to kill my friends I'd be like...fuck this Hell is better). He also still doesn't fully believe he CAN be redeemed (since Val owns his soul). But he wants to get to Heaven to see Molly. To at least apologize to her, because he knows his overdose impacted his twin and it was devastating for her to have to bury him when they were so close and for her to be left with their shitty dad and brother and he just...wants to own up to that.

Angel Dust does not want to be an Overlord. Ever. Period. I'll do a good Overlord AU (what can I say, he's hot like that), but in my canon timeline there's no way. Other than Husk (which I fucking hope we get Overlord Husk flashbacks or maybe it leads to some FEELINGS between them both because I know damn well Husker was a dick), Angel has never met a GOOD Overlord. He does not trust them. He does not want to be in that position of power. He does not want to own anyone's soul, because he's felt how awful it is to be on the receiving end. He did not ever actively choose to be in the mafia, so being the Mafia Overlord that everyone does in fanon just makes no sense to me. Angel has the MAKINGS of an Overlord. He is so much more powerful than he looks. But all he has ever wanted is to genuinely be able to be himself - power was never on his list.

Showers. Random head canon is random. But if Angel Dust showers with you, that means he has INTENSE trust for you. Because that boy hates his feet. He wears his boots everywhere, including while filming porn. BUT he is not wearing those in the shower (first off do you know what happens to pleather if it gets wet jfc). So he HAS to have his little spider feeties out. He doesn't allow ANYONE to see them, so consider yourself lucky if you do. This is also why I hc that he is super paranoid of Vox's cameras in his room and dressing room. Not only bc it means Vox gets to watch all his break downs (that asshole), but because it's when he's at his most vulnerable and has to actually strip fully (boots included) to change. Even in his own room he's still always wearing like knee high stockings or little fluffy sockies. Just in case.

Angel Dust has intense bits of mania. I'm throwing this in there as a psychologist. Honestly in that sort of lifestyle, it's hard NOT to have manic episodes. Elaborate spending habits. High drug addiction. Sexual rebellion. And then the crashes hit, which is when we see the extreme breaks in depression, the irritability, the tantrums. He will get fucking bouts of energizer bunny energy if he is in a panicked state and do the most chaotic fucking stuff that if he looked back on while he was stable he would probably be embarassed by.

Here's the whole DEPENDS ON THE MUN (I'm looking at you Plum lol) but my Angel Dust has purchased a lot of Valentino's guns for him. Maybe because he felt he needed to get even about Nuggets, idk. I love the fanon thought that Angel, who is incredibly skilled with guns, is who actually trained Val how to shoot. I think it would be a cute af bonding activity (back when they were an item not item). And that Angel would probably have bought him a gun once he thought Val knew how to handle it properly. (I'm going to debate if it was Money Shot specifically because I also agree with my bb Plum that Vox probably bought Val that but also like Val is incredibly protective/possessive over anything to do with Angel so....I could see both. Depending on my mood lol.)

Angel Dust doesn't eat pork. That's it, that's the post.

Angel Dust writes a lot of his own songs. I will forever and always HC that Poison was a legit song that played through Hell (maybe NOT including the last verse) because you can't tell me that black fit wasn't a music video. I also know Paranoid DJ is not remotely canon but Use Me Up is a fucking bop so. Angel writes a lot of his music, and uses it as a way to express himself and his feelings.

Angel learned a lot of his speaking patterns from Valentino. Notice that both Val and Angel have a 'voice' that they put on for the public (which sorry to both but is arguably fairly loud and obnoxious). But when they're being themselves, have pretty different voices. Not only does Val sound way different in the finale song, but we see how different he is when he's talking directly to Angel rather than his 'public persona'. Angel is the same. And I bet he learned that from Val, that a good celebrity is a complete act, voice included.

Angel Dust doesn't know how to read. I said what I said. Well, he does NOW, but he didn't when he first died. As mentioned, he went to Catholic school, which not only doesn't teach too much about reading directly, but he was pulled out constantly. I THOROUGHLY BELIEVE that he did not read the contract, not only because he trusted Valentino to protect him, but because he was unable to. Honestly Angel also strikes me as the type with undiagnosed dyslexia, so. He learned how to read over time, but he didn't fully know what he was signing. (And don't tell me it's because he is too dumb to sit and read that whole thing. He's an incredibly smart boy. He knows how to manipulate things. He wouldn't just sign his soul over without knowing what the fine print said).

Contrary to popular belief, I don't think Angel would initiate anything with Husk. He took the hint, he backed off. It's so obvious he's head over heels, but since their talk in Loser Baby, he hasn't really hit on him much by his standards. Kind of a ball is in his court thing. And then when they finally get together, Angel is so timid to initiate sex because he doesn't want to come off as 'fake' or just in it for that, so he just goes insane (see manic episode) until Husk feels ready.

If you disrespect the Italian language at all, he is so going to hit you in the face. This includes comparing Italian to other languages. He doesn't care how close it is to Spanish - they are different languages with different dialects and he gets fussy.

I've mentioned this before, but Angel is actually incredibly good at respecting boundaries. He pushes them, but he also knows when no means no. It's why we stop seeing him hitting on Alastor after Episode 1. As someone who has had his boundaries crossed and pummeled and consent taken away, he isn't going to do that to others. He knows when to back off.

Angel hates Travis. That's it, that's the post. We know per the pilot that Travis uses Angel off the clock (yes, per Angel's consent, but I'm getting there) for sex 'under the table.' You're telling me that fuckass works at the studio and hasn't tried to get with Angel multiple times? Thinks that because he works for Val that he also has access to Hell's hottest porn star? Yeah, fuck that guy.

Okay I thiiiiiiiiink that's all for now. Will more come up? I am guaranteed they will. But it's been awhile since I've done a good HC drop.

[just-a-creep-babe]

OHHH what about Clockwork and Helen?? I feel like they’re art buddies and Helen only /tolerates/ Clocky lol

They’re absolutely art buddies!

Clockwork almost immediately made it her goal to befriend Helen after she saw his work. There’s something so visceral, so real about his art that she knew she would get along well with him

Helen wasn’t so quickly on board with the idea, though. It took some convincing, but eventually, he did accept that she, for whatever reason, really wanted to be his friend. So he kind of just let her hang around him, but he certainly wasn’t going to put effort into being overly friendly with her

Nat is very fond of him. She looks up to him, and at the same time, she’s very protective of him. She hates it when people try to bully him, so the others know not to mess with him when she’s around

Helen’s feelings towards her are kind of dependent on his mood. Sometimes, he finds her loud and abrasive. Other times, he’s grateful for her company & wants to spend time with her. It kind of depends on if Helen’s having a bout of mania or depression. He appreciates how she always sticks up for him though, and he’s always there to help her with her art, which Nat really appreciates

So they’re quite good friends overall, they just have their difficulties when Helen isn’t in a... socializing kind of mood

Send in 2 characters & I’ll give my interpretation of how they feel about one another!!

[daeyongdx]

{

I'M ALIVE

i'm finally here to bring daeyong to dash after what feels like an eternity. better late than never, and other tardy cliches...

a few things that have evolved behind the scenes while this one was stuck marinating in my brain:

he's gone from a freelance bouncer/bodyguard/security guard to being notably unemployed (he's unpredictable and kinda scary, plus a six year gap in his non-existent resume and a level 5 mark on his id), and after actively job-hunting because he hates having to rely on his brother for everything and being rejected by literally everyone, is now trying his hand at playing seoyun's physician's assistant

he's only been out of the labs for about 4 or 5 months, but some notable (and potentially mutual) connections include jaeyong, his twin brother and a d-tier enhanced agent; garam, his (former) employer as of very recently, and friend?; rowon, it's complicated; gayul, because they mutually accidentally re-traumatized each other; seoyun, his new boss; jinah, a pillar of daeyong's lab days and not in a good way; and yuna, his (fucked up) hs sweetheart who he has let back into his life because even if he can't remember much about her she feels like one of the few remnants of his past he can trust

some places he hangs out at a lot include top view towers facilities (he lives there, on the fifth floor); south side nightlife hubs; the loft of an abandoned south side warehouse, which he has slowly started to make his own sort of clubhouse when he needs quiet; seoyun's (illegal) medical clinic, which operates to serve those who can't afford mainstream care; x palace luxury apartments, just to visit, and definitely not for any nefarious activities ever...

plot ideas include others from his past pre-labs, whether their connection be positive or negative; people with connections to the labs, knowingly or unknowingly; people affected by any of his workplace outbursts/public flashbacks/regular bouts of destruction of property, etc.; fellow anarchists/rebels/criminals/outcasts, especially if they spend any time on the south side and/or seek to utilize his abilities for their cause

important note: daeyong comes with kind of a perpetual cw for ptsd, anger issues, violence, mania, depression, dissociation, hallucinations and flashbacks, hospitals, surgery & needles, familial & child abuse, narcissism, blood (obviously) and gore/body horror. i will, of course, always apply the proper trigger and content warnings to posts on dash, but want to lead with that just as a precursor. additionally, this disclaimer doesn't mean all of these things will come up in every single post/thread, and i'm always willing to discuss ways we can write together that respect ooc boundaries and safety for everyone involved!

his info page is here for other facts and trivia !

if you're interested in plotting and/or threading, feel free to message me, or like this post if you'd rather i come to you!

[jehans]

okay so look, one of my favorite tv shows of all time is The Flash, i have that shit on repeat frequently and a lot of the time i restart it as soon as i finish it or i'll wait like three months and then watch it again. it's fun and corny and earnest and great, and there's a storyline or two that are absolute nonsense, but i love it anyway and the ending payed off so well for me. it's pretty much my main comfort show. but so far, it's the only Arrowverse show i've actually watched all the way through, right? like, i've seen all the crossovers but really not interested in watching Arrow from start to finish and i've never really gotten around to Legends or Batwoman or anything. i watched most of the first season of Superman & Lois but then forgot to finish it.

WELL i'm finally watching Supergirl and i really like it a lot! Kara was always my favorite crossover character while watching The Flash so watching her show has been a delight. and then i got to s01e16 "Falling" and it hit me like a train how fucking GOOD that episode is as a metaphor for mental illness holy shit. especially when Kara comes back to herself and has to deal with the fallout from everything that evil!Kara said and did.

[spoilers for an 8 year old episode from here.]

the scene when she's talking to Cat on the balcony and says that she knows it wasn't exactly her fault and her brain was altered, but that it brought something inside of her out that was horrible and scared people and now she's afraid she's never going to win people back was just...so real? also, the scene when she woke up and felt horrified at what she'd done and described it as terrifying. when you deal with mood-altering mental illness, sometimes you find yourself doing things that don't feel like you, whether that's a deep-down part of you in the moment, or how you feel once you're more yourself, but that you know have hurt people or changed their perspective of you, and that's so scary. to know that that can happen to you. and to know that it might not be entirely your fault, but you're still the one who's going to have to fix it once you're you again. that you're still responsible even if you're not completely to blame.

and i loved Cat's response about it not being easy, but also not being impossible, and how she personally doesn't believe in failure, "as long as you get back up and face the music."

just. what a wonderful message to those of us who struggle with any mental illness that causes bouts of depression, mania, delusion, paranoia, anything. how real and complicated it is, and how hopeful.

and to have Kara, the epitome of what is good and wholesome and optimistic, struggle with this. the message that sends to me, personally, about how your struggles do not make you a bad person, but facing the music, taking responsibility and building back that trust — that means more. just. ugh. it's good.

also, i'm not even reaching to make this a metaphor, it's clear from the text that this was INTENDED because of the scene where Cat says that Supergirl is having some kind of mental break and offers to get her an emergency appointment with her psychiatric provider for some lexapro. it's said in that semi-tongue-and-cheek way that Cat says things, but it's also clearly a genuine sentiment from her.

[firespirited]

I've been sick with some sort of fluey thing that sets off migraines all week. Did manage to meet the therapist: she's fantastic, no nonsense, up to date science, specializes in autism in women and trauma from interpersonal abuse. Unfortunately I'm going to need that therapist more than ever.

Mum had no intention of doing group therapy, has no interest in fixing our relationship, she's got this idea that it would somehow be taking sides even though she regularly has long whispered conversations with me about how to deal with a situation with sis. I also really upset her by describing dad as having cluster B personality disorders that made him cruel, she read the first sentence of my psych homework and decided she was out.

Because in her mind cruelty requires intent and dad was just being pre-emptively nasty because he'd had a paranoia where he felt we'd been mean. She's retconned him as bpd??? He didn't get paranoias until I was nearly 20. He wasn't borderline, he was a bully. It was calculated and calm not often spontaneous. He had just as many calm collected bouts of psychological violence as he did rages. And oh odd thing right? he never damaged a relationship with a man or employer even if he resented them privately. He never ever once implied he was suicidal to anyone else when that was his go to move. He had depressions and manias, he was rapid cycling. He also managed to keep the damage to his immediate family (except for that school incident) and constantly quitting jobs. There are times when the cluster B was the real issue and other times when he was just selfish and enjoyed his power over others. I know that's an awful thing to say but I've known a lot of cluster B folks who are trying to not break everything and I knew dad well: he blurred the lines between deliberate long term choices and his pathology. His hostility towards my and mum's existence as ill people was obvious to my doctor and every carer we had. My sister's cptsd is mostly from the damage he did with gossip and how she made herself compliant at home.

I can't say this to mum she's in rose tinted glasses mode about dad. The psych definitely noticed when she said some really weird hurtful stuff to me. I did get very serious that she was not to talk about dad around sis. To not even think about it because it could reset her entire recovery.

I have spent the past 25 days neck deep in bpd type cptsd symptoms, learning every trigger point and rebuilding a relationship with sis where she has no idea that I'm just not sharing secrets and fears. I'm still her rock. She's just not my anchor anymore. We're actually doing pretty well now. I can trace the intense anxieties back to last may when she brought a stray dog home and began obsessing about adopting a cat (she's allergic). I can perform the correct emotions on cue instead of relying on just words. Every time she loses trust I reassure and rebuild. She's been able to open up about what she couldn't stand about 'us' (it's not us, she needs a fully quiet space not just a bedroom in a busy flat) etc.

It's sad because every worst fear I outlined in the psych homework came true over the past few days. I have to hope it's some kind of stress phase. Maybe she's got the same flu thing as me and it's making her feel vulnerable and cranky.

There are very good odds she was super spooked at the idea of therapy, goodness knows she doesn't like talking about feelings. The idea that she might one day have to explain her wild family to someone else terrifies her.

Now that I know she's not ok, I need to keep my distance for a while and build myself up so I can handle sis' next crisis alone.

[basuralindo]

Chapter 11 of You’ll Have Me Rise, You’ll Have Me Fall is up!

Chapter comments (and associated spoilers) are under the cut.

Yeah, no, I didn’t forget that Azul’s a stalker.

So, turns out I don’t know nearly enough modern gamer jargon to write Idia’s speech patterns, so I’m winging it. I also honestly can’t tell if I depicted his personality all that accurately, but idk, I just wanted to write him like this. Anyway, I think a lot about the fact that Idia has probably never actually been in an entirely dark room. Like, even if his hair only glows dimly, that is a lot of glowing hair. It could probably provide enough light for a human to see at least a little, and since Azul is built for dark spaces under the sea, and I’m choosing to believe Idia is built for dark caves, I like to think that they’d both be perfectly comfortable in dim blue lighting. Only thing is, octopus eyes are designed to adjust rapidly to darting from dark to bright spaces, while Idia doesn’t seem like he was meant to see the light of day.

I just, really like the idea of these two being actual friends, but also can’t imagine them being any kind of directly nice to each other. That said, I like to think Azul is secretly more of a goblin when nobody’s looking, and since Idia is Goblin Supreme, Azul would actually start feeling comfortable being a little more genuine around him. After all, who’s Idia actually gonna to tell?

Aaaaanyway, about Floyd. Cannon really did set up a lot of potential for him being bipolar, and I have bipolar II, and just went through a hypomanic episode while trying to write this that I’m still irritated about, so now I’m giving Floyd bipolar II. Hypomanic episodes can actually display as a lot of ups and downs in mood on their own, including sudden bouts of feeling immensely depressed, without dipping into actual depressive episodes. Mostly what’s going on in this chapter is that same mania thing he does in cannon where he flips between being excited and social one minute and suddenly switching to irritable and reclusive the next. Especially just, the specific way he’s recklessly uncaring/oblivious to how he affects the people he’s playing around with, and gets kinda confused and frustrated when he notices everyone’s scared or upset with him.

Floyd, despite the chaos, is still the most earnest of the group as far as I'm concerned. Poor thing is experiencing jealousy two ways and doesn't know how to say anything to anyone involved, and just desperately doesn't want to get rejected.

Jamil's still just being Jamil about assuming the worst intentions. Maybe he'll start figuring it all out soon. Maybe.

[kraekns]

HEADCANON : MENTAL ILLNESS .

edward had always been a . . . sensitive child , prone easily to fits of uncontrollable crying over the seemingly smallest of things one day , and near boundless energy the next . his father had always said it was the bit of the devil in him , a curse , he said , passed from mother to son . cruel jokes about edward being born wrong were common in the teach household , worsened by edwards fascination with the fashions worn by their mothers employers . those words never quite left their mind , distorting their view of themselves until they weren't quite sure what happened to that child who'd sent a buck toothed smile to their mother when allowed to try on one of her dresses .

as edward grew , these " moods " as their mother called them , became more frequent , worsened by their fathers treatment of both mother and child . cruel words were just as common as abuse , littering the both of them . . . yet nothing ever happened . no one came to save them , like their mother has promised . their was no salvation , no rest for their wicked souls .

after the death of their father , edward attempted to stay at his mothers side but soon left after getting word that a pirate ship was docked nearby . in the dark of the night , they stowed away , kissing their mothers frail cheeks and never looking back .

at sea , things seemed . . . good , for awhile . months passed on an unending high . they thrived in the new environment : quick wit and quicker fingers served them well and soon they were climbing the ranks . learning at the feet of an older boy who took the poor little stowaway under his wing . boundless energy served them well , insomnia leading to hours spent dedicated to their studies .

their first major depressive episode was shortly after becoming captain in their mid - 20s . the pressure , the change , the blood on their hands . they spent days in their cabins , taking ink and needle to skin and leaving most duties to izzy as they drifted aimlessly . ed spent weeks like this , barely sleeping , barely eating , snapping at the merest provocation . this was around the time they turned to drugs for the first time as well , taking anything they could find from terrified crew . drinking themselves sick in some desperate attempt to feel . . . anything .

these moods would color the rest of their adult life ; swinging from bouts of mania to deep , deep depression . through it all , izzy would follow closely behind , picking up the pieces as he went . following ed's whims , supporting him through the darkest nights .

the tldr of this rambling headcanon;

ed suffers from bipolar i & gender dysphoria. symptoms of both have been heavily present in the show so far .

depression lasting at least two weeks seen prominently following stede's betrayal, but also hinted at several times in season one when discussing ed's moods and their general apathy towards life. manic episodes including symptoms such as : talking very quickly , feeling full of energy, feeling full of great new ideas and having important plans, being easily distracted, doing things that often have disastrous consequences – such as throwing loot overboard in order to store more loot. for the most part , ed's moods are unprompted by triggers and rise and fall like the tide. his most volatile episodes have been, for the most part, triggered by something though. their father's death (running away), stede's arrival, and stede's betrayal.