#i have a referral to a sleep doctor next and really i just want to have a body that works properly | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jodilin65 · 1 year ago

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THURSDAY, AUGUST 31, 2023 Not a very happy camper now. They've gone back to using the insanely loud garbage trucks, which is a definite threat to my sleep, no matter how loud I play the sound machine. I could only hear the other one when it was nearby, but this one I can hear all throughout the park.

Is going back to the loud mower next?

I'm still on for the lab next Tuesday. I just didn't click through all the pages, so that's why it didn't go through the first time around and I didn't get a confirmation.

Anyway, after I got up I was wishing Idalia's wind and rain would return to drown out the police helicopter that was circling round and round for over an hour last night. I don't know what was going on, but it was ridiculous. All I kept thinking was it's three in the morning and I need the sound machine on so I can concentrate on what I'm doing.

On the bright side, I've had more energy today than I've had in a while. We went to Publix and got some things done at home that we needed and wanted to do.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 30, 2023 Idalia is here! But all she’s bringing us is wind and rain. Looks like she’s going to hit the Big Bend area as a cat 4. They’re saying this will be a first. Global warming is having some scary effects at an alarmingly fast rate. It’s not even September and we’re already seeing a major hurricane. If we had extra money and I didn’t feel like shit so much of the time I wouldn’t mind going on a mini vacation if we were evacuated but I’m definitely concerned about being evacuated over the next couple of months as we trudge through the heart of hurricane season.

I have horrible fatigue still. I slept well and got up thinking I wasn’t too bad but by the time I showered and ate I was ready for a nap. This is ridiculous. I have to spend so much time in bed that I could be up living my life and doing things. Got a bad feeling my thyroid is the same or worse. If we can’t get my fucking body to absorb the medication, then what???

I’m not in the greatest shape but I’m not in horrible shape either with all the skiing I do. Yet yesterday, after boxing for the first time in a while, I was so wiped out. I had heavy fatigue and felt a little winded like my heart was racing. Really, really hope it’s just a matter of figuring out how to tweak my thyroid dose and not PAH! Tom thinks it’s likely on the thyroid. That and sleep apnea.

I made a lab appointment but never got a confirmation. I went back to the site and confirmed that there were no pending appointments for me so I have to deal with that. There’s going to be a whole shit ton of health work to do. There usually is but this is going to be more than usual and I can’t just schedule appts. I have to play form too, which takes forever.

The only thing I don’t get is why they keep sending me so far from home when giving me referrals. They asked and I told them I wanted to go to a specific imaging place near our house yet they want to send me all the way to Chapel Hill. And why do I have to go all the way to Land O’Lakes to see a cardiologist? You mean to tell me there isn’t one closer?

So more than likely we’re going to have to pick our own doctors. This way it’s easier to try to get female doctors and avoid foreigners I may have a hard time understanding. So I’m going to have to go to the lab, to a cardiologist, to the imaging center, and then possibly to a genetic counselor unless I can confirm 23andMe has the information I need to know as to whether or not I’m automatically doomed to get breast cancer. We’re pretty sure I don’t have that gene. That’s a good thing because that would mean needing a double mastectomy. I definitely wouldn’t mind giving these boobies up because they’re way too big but I really don’t want to go under the knife again.

Jessie finally told me that she uses Kindra for dryness. Not surprisingly, it’s rather pricey. I haven’t had much burning in a while and therefore I haven’t used the suppositories. I only use them as needed. I just want my energy back so bad!

TUESDAY, AUGUST 29, 2023 Yesterday we went from having a hurricane watch to a hurricane warning. Things are closed for the rest of the month, and Tom may not be able to get the cancerous spot on his forehead taken care of tomorrow as scheduled.

The airport closed at midnight. Not having to listen to one plane after another starting about now is fine with me. What's not is the possibility of being evacuated even though it doesn't look like that's going to happen at this point. If we weren't in debt and I was healthier, I would be okay with it. We would have to head south, though, because this one's going north of us.

We had some thunder earlier but no rain. The weather app on my computer said it was 10 miles away. They say Idalia is 425 miles away.

The video meeting with the doctor went better than expected yesterday. She was on time, young, friendly, and listened very intently to my concerns. She was also very thorough. I'm going to be having a ton of testing done. It was funny because at one point she told me to hang on a second because she had to deal with one of the dogs she was fostering and when I told her we had a pet rat she got all excited and wanted to see her. She was sleeping at that moment but at the end of our meeting, she got to meet Tinkerbella.

This doctor was in Chicago and plans to come to the state to visit her mother soon.

So we discussed my two main problems and that's getting my thyroid numbers normal without feeling horrible though she agrees that 6-9 could be my personal normal.

Then the other problem of fatigue. On the 5th I'll be going to the lab for a full panel of blood work as well as AI testing for other autoimmune diseases I could have like RA, Sjogren's, etc. I will also need to go for an echocardiogram, the mammogram I wasn't going to go for, and genetic testing. Being Jewish puts me at a higher risk of getting breast cancer and I guess through genetic testing they can better assess your risk. We're going to check 23andMe and see if that was tested or not. Tom thinks it was and that I didn't have that mutation.

They may also have me wear one of those Holter heart monitors for a while too. She said it was great that I was so prepared for our meeting and knew exactly what I wanted to ask and all that. Yeah, because the doctors in California were so unhelpful that I learned to get my own information.

No anxiety yesterday and none so far today but I'm not ready to think the spell is over yet. Usually, when it's that noticeable it's not just for a few days. I still worry I could be on the verge of another spell that lasts for weeks or even months.

I woke up tired today, as usual, but for once, when I ended up napping shortly after, I actually woke up feeling more refreshed.

More than likely, I will be starting blood pressure medicine. Yes, I am still prone to side effects but if it's going to help with the fatigue, I'm willing to try anything. It will probably be Losartan, which he's taking. What sucks is that I can't use the wrist cuff anymore because it's not as accurate to get a record of how it is over the next two weeks as they want. I've been afraid to use his arm cuff because I know how tight it gets, but I'm gonna have to muster up a little courage. Too many years of prolonged elevated blood pressure can mess with my heart and kidneys if it hasn't already.

My biggest concern is that I may have PAH and she thinks there's a chance I could. The thing is that even with treatment which can slow the progression of the disease, the prognosis isn't the greatest. I wouldn't be dying next year or the year after, but I may not make it beyond a decade. But hey, I live for however long I live. That's not what's important. What's important is how I feel.

MONDAY, AUGUST 28, 2023 Yesterday was another shitty day in that I was anxious. I hope Tom’s theory is correct and that it’s just residual effects from adding vitamin D. It’s true that when you cut back, your TSH drops instantly but you don’t feel better right away. That’s why I felt like shit going to Orlando last year after the last time my thyroid was overloaded.

I took a full hydroxyzine tablet and it did lessen my symptoms but not without knocking me out and causing me to sleep a whopping 10 hours and 20 minutes. Been horribly groggy since getting up. I’m definitely not anxious today but I’ll be spending a lot of time in bed until my 8:00 a.m. video appointment with a Galileo doc, even though I don’t want to of course.

I’ve done some things. I did a few jobs and cooked myself a skillet of quinoa, brown rice, spinach, chickpeas, and chicken tenders.

Jessie says that in Europe they have natural thyroid enzymes that she believes are from sheep. I would think that would cause the same problem as thyroid extracted from pigs causes, though, with the inconsistency in dosing.

I asked her what she’s using for dryness and she won’t tell me. Instead, she said the same thing she says when I ask about her thyroid numbers; that she has to look. Like she really can’t remember? I think it’s probably that old Facebook paranoia some people have since Facebook doesn’t believe in privacy. Why else would she be so secretive about these things?

I had to disable public comments on my other Facebook profile where I’m sharing journals because for some reason I couldn’t pull them up. I would get a notification but then when I would click on it, nothing would happen. So unless they commented or reacted on one of the last few posts, I would have to scroll through hundreds of posts that I would rather not scroll through.

Wondering how much we’re going to be affected by Hurricane Idalia which is now expected to hit Florida as a category 3. I don’t think we’ll get a direct hit but I do expect some wind and rain. It’s a little soon to know for sure. Right now there’s an official hurricane watch in effect but not a hurricane warning.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 27, 2023 OMG, for the THIRD time in barely a month, the water was off. I see a definite pattern forming here and I wonder if it's just a matter of time before I'm going to have to shower at night only, just like at the old place, to avoid getting the water turned off on me while I'm in the shower.

What's next to catch up to this place? Loud traffic? Projects every few days? Daily landscaping?

DeSatan says all Gulfers should have hurricane kits ready and available. People in this area say it's one of the safest from hurricanes, and they only get evacuated once a decade. I know global warming is changing things, but I would be really surprised if we were evacuated two years in a row. It's too soon to know for sure what's going on but last I heard, the cone was aimed at the panhandle.

Andy, Judy, and a cousin are thinking of coming down here and want to fly into Fort Myers, spend a few days with the cousin's daughter, and then shoot over to New Port Richey to see Gary and his wife Jenny. He asked Tom to calculate how many miles it was to our place from there because the three of them want to spend the day with us.

I told him I didn't have to ask Tom what I could ask Alexa and that I knew it was very close. However, he has to keep in mind that there’s a 50/50 chance I’ll have to sleep or something would be going on with us if we had an appointment or something. Furthermore, we would prefer to meet at a restaurant and not at the house. The house is just so damn small and I don't even know the cousin. Also, I don't want to have to rearrange the place to hide things I don't want seen.

The thing is that Andy's not a very supportive person, and he has a memory that makes mine seem like it's still great so I don't know if he'll understand or be willing to meet us there, but we'll find out. I knew this day would eventually come, though. I just thought it would be him coming down by himself. I don't mind just him being here, and I told him that too.

To be honest, there's a part of me that regrets reconnecting with him not just before we left for Florida, but back in Jesse's trailer. We do have a lot of fun memories together and he has changed in some ways, but there's still a part of him that is non-empathetic, non-understanding, judgmental, and selfish. Like most people, his basic personality hasn't changed throughout the years.

I also have mixed emotions about seeing Judy. Sure, I would love to see her. She's a great lady. But she also has a big mouth and is nosy. I feel like she too, would do nothing but pry and judge me for my ways and go on and on about how and why I should change.

Then there's the stupidity, or at least the lack of ability to understand. I've gone over my sleep disorder a number of times with Helen and not even she gets it. She's getting it mixed up with delayed sleep phase and narcolepsy. This is such a complex issue for people to grasp, apparently, because it's rare.

Grammarly used to be fun to use, but now it's gotten to be a pain in the ass. I've complained and complained about the begging and having my train of thought disrupted by having to click out of windows begging me to pay up and again I've asked why they bother having a free option if they want money that bad. People should either be allowed to use things for free without being harassed while they're at it or there shouldn't be a free option. Yet it's gotten much worse with them. All they do is say they'll tell their developers, but the greedy bastards obviously don't care and are gonna do what they're gonna do.

Although it isn't as good, I'm going to use spelling and grammar checkers that are built into the browser and MS Word. At least there I know I'm not going to get pestered with regular begging. I can't expect to be 100% correct all the time anyway, especially with all the content I've written. I've got to get out of the habit of publishing stuff and then deleting it so I can correct it and republish it.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 26, 2023 Since you can now create as many profiles in any name you want on Facebook, I created one for my journal since Facebook doesn’t delete nonactive accounts and it can live on as a memoir for future generations - if there are any future generations - to see how life was in these times.

I blocked some of my Facebook friends but there are no guarantees it won’t be suggested to them if they have other accounts I don’t know about. That’s one thing I hate about Facebook is how they suggest things that not everyone wants suggested. I'm willing to take a chance, though. Andy’s most likely to have accounts I don’t know about. Jessie has another account, and I would never have known it if it wasn’t suggested to me. It was obvious, though, that it was her because it was a variation of her name with the same profile picture. It won’t be the end of the world if it’s found, but I would prefer to keep it from park people and anyone I may write about, including Jessie.

If Andy has a “normal” account with a profile picture I wouldn’t think to associate him with, it could have been suggested to me in the past but I didn’t know it was him. I don’t accept suggestions, though. I won’t let anyone in unless I know who it is.

Helen and I met yesterday and talked about how I miss some of the old feelings I used to have. She seems to think I need to get out and socialize more, which a lot of people have suggested to me over the years. I just don't feel the need to be a social butterfly, though. However, this doesn't mean that I don't miss having more people that are family or like family around that aren't toxic. Or at least that wasn't as toxic as my family was like his parents and his sister, etc. It still would be nice to have Jessie nearby.

I also asked her personal opinion on reaching out to those who never reach out to me first. People that only respond to my messages like Christiane. I also gave her a crash course on a certain somebody who also likes to write and she agrees that the constant account deletion and creation is a definite sign of instability along with other things. I've caught this person in lies, they've involved other people in our issues, and they sure are a hypocrite. As in no lurking, even though that's all they do.

She agrees that if I've made myself clear as to wanting to hear from them at times and for them to take the initiative on their own to contact me or comment on some of my stuff but they never do, It's probably time to make a clean break. Yeah, one of them may be highly intelligent. And yeah, I'm flattered that that person has followed me religiously and seems to take a great interest in my life but I think it's time to have a little self-respect and not reach out to those who never cared to do the same on their own.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 25, 2023 I slept better, but damn was last night kinda shitty. I was in a horrible mood and devoid of energy too, of course. I have more energy tonight because my sleep didn't get broken up like the last couple of times but it's going to be a very long night for me. That's because I won't be meeting with Helen until bedtime. Well, technically, I'll be finishing up at bedtime. Since I can't just jump in bed and fall asleep right when we're done and need to unwind a bit, I'll probably be up 17 to 18 hours, which means automatic fatigue tomorrow.

Back to being on the cool side and no sign of anxiety or mindfuckers or anything bad. So yeah, there was something about the vitamin D’s. Doesn’t mean I’m home-free just yet, though, on the dose increase because it hasn’t been 6 weeks. But with the D’s out of the picture, it’s looking good. There was something about it that made me feel the symptoms of going hyper even though I agree that my numbers aren’t likely that low yet. I’m probably 12-13 now.

Good God, what's the point of being able to enjoy the few hours off from commercial planes if I'm just gonna get slammed with helicopters instead? This is the fifth fucking one. They seem to be worse on Friday nights.

Anyway, in finishing up yesterday's health work, I checked out the links my docs recommended and saw a full list of side effects for Ramelteon and said, "No way!"

It can cause suicidal thoughts and I'm not going to go through that hell again like I did with an asthma inhaler I once took in the 90s and then the Prozac in 2015.

So I told them I wasn't interested and they said there was another drug approved for N24 that did not include suicidal thoughts called Hetlioz. The main highlights as far as its side effects go are nightmares, drowsiness, headaches, respiratory issues, UTI infections, and a few other things. Well, I'm tired a lot and have nightmares anyway and I could take ibuprofen or something like that for headaches, so if I didn't get anything worse, it may be worth it but that's only if I can get it. I'm gonna have to jump through all kinds of hoops to get approval for financial assistance being low income and all that. Who knows how many in-person appointments I may have to have too? If it could work without debilitating side effects, it would be worth it, though I still have my doubts. I still feel like I'm not meant to have a schedule. I just wish I knew if it was by chance or design.

If I believed in design for certain, I would start to wonder if something really wanted me to make it to the endo appointment, after all, because the light therapy does seem to be slowing my schedule from jumping as fast. That's why it's gonna be a long day today. When I made my appointment with Helen, I expected to be getting up 5-6 hours later than I did.

Jessie was telling me about the job she got with the State recently and how she and Bella are very prone to side effects. She said that as long as I'm not like them, don't assume I'm gonna get the side effects just because others do.

But I am like them. I just think the words side effects and I get them so I'm sure I'll get something. It's just a matter of whether or not it's anything I can put up with.

She understood my reluctance to go with Ramelteon, pointing out that many mental health drugs alter body chemistry and stuff like that.

Well, yeah, when you suddenly want to up and kill yourself, even though your life is fine, that's a big red flag right there.

She also said that a doctor gave Bella medication for nausea one time which gave her horrible anxiety. Not surprisingly, her doctor tried to tell her she was “just anxious.”

Jessie was given a monthly injection one time for her migraines which gave her palpitations and dizziness. She complained to her doctor who denied that these were side effects. But then when she contacted the company that made the stuff, they confirmed that yes, they were side effects. The doctor then called and blasted her out for calling the company.

With my past experiences, I can totally relate to the hell they've suffered! The medical gaslighting in this country is horrible. Doctors are sworn to do no harm yet they intentionally deny side effects to make their jobs easier. And nowadays many of them won't give health care to women who need it because of the fucking SCOTUS. It still angers me to this day, even after all these years, that none of the California doctors, except for my GYN who didn't have to deal with that aspect of my health, would believe that levothyroxine can make me anxious. Well, I'm sure they believed it. They just didn't want to work to find me an alternative or at least seek out a dose appropriate for me and not what their numbers required. After all, what reason would anyone have to insist something wasn't normal for them if it was? Doctors are supposed to be smart, and therefore they should know better. No one has anything to gain by complaining of side effects just for fun.

Jessie says she wishes she'd known we were going to move to Florida because there are affordable places near her where you don't pay rent like we do here. Yeah, but what's affordable to most isn't exactly affordable to us. We're that low-income these days. He's not going back to work for fun.

I wish I had known she was gonna move down here because I definitely would have focused more on her area. But we focused on the Gulf because it's cheaper and a little safer from hurricanes depending on where you are. Like it or not, we're likely locked in for life and for the first time in my life, I don't want to move unless we get rich and have plenty of options. Yes, I would have loved to be near her but it could be worse. The only things that keeps this place from being less than perfect is that we don't have a great view of a lake or the ocean as I would have liked as that's too expensive, it's too small, and we're in a flight path. But Jessie, along with most of the world, is also in a flight path. She just doesn't mind. So unless something bad happens around here, I don't see us going anywhere unless we ever need assisted living.

I didn't watch it, of course, but I saw the highlights of the Republican debate, and they weren't the least bit surprising. Especially with Pence promising to work tirelessly at continuing to strip women of more and more rights and make it more difficult and costlier for them to receive health care.

Had a power failure late last night for about an hour. I'm guessing they were working on something because there weren't any storms going on.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 24, 2023 Having one of the shittiest days I've had in a while. I'm worse than fatigued, but having mild anxiety as well. I noticed over the last few days that the hypo symptoms were backing off. But now, except for fatigue, they’re starting to do a complete 180 on me as the side effects slowly trickle back in. I kept waking up a million times and was on fire. I'm poopy and can feel waves of adrenaline beneath the surface threatening to bubble up.

I let Galileo know, and we agreed to stop the vitamin D. They're gonna check back in with me in a few days and if that's not enough and I’m still having symptoms, I'll have to scale my dose back.

I forgot that for some reason, Jessie won't tell me what her thyroid numbers are since her dose was decreased, yet I asked again earlier. If I wasn't having memory issues, I would have remembered and known that she would just tell me she would have to check but of course, she wouldn't. All she's told me is that she's been tired and hungrier. Because of this, I was curious as to what her last reading was. I have no idea why she's so secretive about this, but she is.

I just had a horrible thought. Well, how I’m feeling right now answers my question as to whether or not I can get used to tolerating lower TSH numbers by getting less tolerant of higher ones. The answer is obviously no. What worries me is that I may not even be able to stand to be between 6-9 without horrible fatigue, assuming a CPAP doesn’t help, yet unable to get my TSH any lower without side effects from the med. That would really leave me in a bind! It could still be the med causing it or chronic fatigue. I just have a bad feeling fatigue is going to be a regular part of the rest of my life.

Why do I also keep feeling like something up there wants me to suffer for most of my life? My God, just give me something that will kill me if you hate me that much!!!

I forgot to mention that I slept through the mower the other day, even though the side panel was down. This likely means that when the honker returns, I should be OK because even though the motorcycle is louder, it's further away.

To say that they're rude assholes in the house behind him is an understatement! I was checking out the camera and I watched the bitch back her car out (she has a single-wide carport) while loverboy fired up his motorcycle and revved it into the street, continued to sit there revving it while she pulled the car in, then got out to hug him goodbye before he roared off.

The correct thing to do would have been to say their goodbyes FIRST, then for her to back out, then for him to turn the damn thing on WITHOUT revving it, and then simply take off. But no, everybody's got to put on a show, or at least not give a shit about those around them.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 23, 2023 So much for giving up on my health although I did try to convince myself not to bother since I'm not getting anywhere. Yet I reached out to my docs and let them know the vitamins D and B-12 weren't helping with energy levels and asked about a full panel of blood work. So they decided to do a yearly wellness thing with me since it’s been since 2021 that I had a complete physical. This will be a virtual appointment for 20 minutes where we discuss my family medical history, my current symptoms, and what blood work and preventative testing they think I should undergo.

They told me they understand how frustrating it can be to be dealing with not feeling well for so long but to please fight to get better and that they want me to feel better, etc. I'm kind of losing hope here but trying my best. I've had to do things in spurts because I have to stop and rest because the fatigue is overwhelming. My joints and muscles are stiff and I feel like I'm 97 instead of 57.

I know a lot of this could be on the thyroid but my biggest concern is that there could be something else going on that I don't know about. It's just that nothing I come up with makes sense. If it's thyroid then why wasn't I practically comatose when I was diagnosed with a TSH in the 30s?

Doesn't make sense for it to be heart-related or cancer-related because I don't have any other symptoms. I am just devoid of energy.

If it was connected to the N24, then again, why wasn't I like this years ago? Why now?

Something's got to be causing this. Funny too because I had a bad feeling that if I ever beat most of the anxiety it would be replaced with a new long-term problem and I guess this is it. I still stand by when I say that anything is better than anxiety but this is debilitating enough. It's draining what little energy I have just to talk type this and edit it.

And then there are the memory issues and the crazy emotions and urges. I have major brain fog where I have trouble remembering things both long-term and short-term but especially short-term, and then the frustration of my situation gets me stressed and depressed. I was fed up to the point of tears last night.

I haven't been a cutter since I was quite young but sometimes I still wish I could drop dead or grab an object and whack the shit out of myself with it as a means of distracting myself from whatever's been bugging me so relentlessly. I know it sounds absurd and I don't plan on doing anything crazy. I just wish the crazy thoughts would get the fuck out of my head! They're not always there but they're there often enough. More often than I would like.

I have more to say but already I need to go lay down and rest my eyes a bit.

Back again later on. So it took me 9 hours into my day to obtain some energy.

Been exchanging messages with my doctors on and off throughout the night and they confirmed after asking me to share a photo that I am taking the right B-12 vitamins. They dissolve in your mouth and directly enter the bloodstream.

I asked if they thought multivitamin and mineral supplements would be good for me and they said that since my fatigue is likely due to low thyroid and being on the low end of normal on the B12, it wouldn't likely help with energy levels but would be okay to take if I felt I was lacking those vitamins and minerals from food, but I don't. I do eat healthy most of the time.

Hopefully, that's going to get even healthier because I didn't know this but they said that gluten can affect the thyroid. They recommended a book called Wheat Belly. I couldn't get it with my Kindle Unlimited subscription but I was able to learn enough about it to know that it would be best to avoid gluten if I can. They recommend avoiding modified food starch, malt, maltodextrin, and hydrolyzed wheat protein. So I'll start checking ingredients more closely in search of those “bad” words.

They also confirmed that yes, being older could make me more sensitive to elevated TSH levels which might explain why I wasn't this tired when I was first diagnosed. I guess that makes sense because I was exhausted during the move and found to be at 14 a few months later. Well, that's exactly what I was last time around too. This is probably wishful thinking but if I could become more sensitive to elevated TSH levels with age, could that mean I could become less sensitive to normal levels, as in not having so many side effects from the medication???

A video appointment has been scheduled for the 28th.

The vag suppositories are horrible. They're so damn soft that they don't hold their shape. they're not rigid enough to load into the applicator nor can I shove them up there with a finger. I threw them in the refrigerator. Maybe that will firm them up a bit.

Nane’s birthday was yesterday. She turned 63. Sent Christiane my final - and yes, I mean final - message. No more of this one-sided friendship if you could even call it that. I'm tired of reaching out to those who don't care to reach out to me in return. I can't express just how fed up I am with hearing from people only if they hear from me first. They have a right to be who they are but then so do I.

Love our last Temu order! I used one of the plastic stencils and did a fairly decent painting. Even Andy liked it and he's pretty picky, LOL. I did one with multicolored pastels in the background and then stenciled a woman wearing a wide-brim hat that covers her eyes and nose, only exposing her full lips and giving her a mysterious and seductive look. Another thing I'm going to try sometime is tracing the stencil with chalk or pencil and then painting the entire design.

Made it to Viken, Norway yesterday! 193 miles to go.

The new cage came today and it's perfect! Tinkerbella loves it. It's a little ugly being black and I kind of wish the roof opened but it's otherwise really nice. Now she's not so cramped in even if she spends most of the time in her hammock.

Not going to have the energy to carry on with my story tonight since it's starting to get late in my day, but maybe tomorrow night. Or maybe I will do that or some painting or diamond drilling because I want to stay up until 7:00 so that I'm staying up late enough to meet with Helen on Friday.

I had to message her because our credit card expired and I couldn't find a way to edit it on the website. She put me in touch with the owner who sent me a link where I could update it.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 20, 2023 Today’s the day I officially give up on my health. Oh, I’m still going to take the vitamins even though they’re not doing me any good and I’m still going to work at getting my TSH back under 10 but I’m through trying to battle everything else. I’m just not meant to be healthy and I have to accept it and make the best of the rest of my life. It’s not like I’m going to die anytime soon, of course, but I don’t see myself making it to my 70s. At least I don’t think I do. Not with so many things I can’t treat. I swear it’s like something wants me fat, tired, and undermedicated! But it is what it is. I’m prone to side effects and there isn’t much I can do about that. So I’ll live with high blood pressure, high cholesterol, possible pending diabetes, and low thyroid for the rest of my life. I can get my thyroid close enough to normal but the rest I’m just going to have to live with and hope for the best.

I have a very bad and strong feeling that when I eventually get a CPAP it’s not going to do anything for this fatigue. I’ve been keeping track of how many days I’ve had fatigue and there’s no change since starting the vitamins. I have it almost half of the month when I analyze it by the month. The Bing bot also said you likely wouldn’t notice an increase in energy levels unless you were severely low on B-12 and I wasn’t. I was just on the low end of normal. Even though the nurse asked him if he had fatigue, his numbers were similar yet he doesn’t have fatigue.

I tell myself it’s just age and remind myself that many older people bitch about lack of energy for a reason but then how can people work until they’re 65 or older? Something’s got to be causing it. Or a few somethings.

The thing is that I’m so fucking sick of doctors and treatment I either can’t get or can’t handle that I’m fed up and I’m not going to bother anymore. Jessie was telling me that she’s had to prove her migraine case to her insurance company for years and how it’s a business out to make money that only cares about that and not anyone’s health, and I’m aware of this but that’s just wrong. Totally all wrong. I’m not going to prove myself to these people something multiple doctors have already proven. That’s like having to defend myself for what I write in my own journal and that’s just plain old fucking bullshit. I’m not going to belittle myself, like I said, with fighting for things I shouldn’t have to fight for. It’s bad enough I can’t even get on disability because I don’t have enough work credits in my past. You also have to have worked recently in order to get disability, not just have enough credits.

There could be so many things causing this fatigue. Could be on the thyroid even though I had way more energy before I was diagnosed. I doubt it’s anything related to my heart, arteries, or cancer because I don’t have any other symptoms.

When I got up this morning my blood sugar was 119. That’s the highest I’ve ever known it to be even though it came down to 108 later in my day. I wonder if that or the high blood pressure I have regularly could be a factor in why my kidney function was down a bit before surgery. These things could cause fatigue too, but as far as I can tell I’m not actually diabetic any more than Tom is. We’re both just pre-diabetic. Whether or not we’ll ever cross that threshold and become diabetic, I don’t know. It wouldn’t surprise me if we did because we’re fat and it runs in our families. I think the most likely scenario is that I developed chronic fatigue.

It just frustrates me to have all these things I can’t treat and that I can’t lose weight which would help with these things but that I would be afraid to lose if I could because I fear how it would affect my thyroid medication. But yeah, I’m so fucking sick of going to doctors and I’m not going to run to one specialist after another trying to figure out why I’m so tired just to either find out I can’t get a hold of treatment for it or there is no treatment or there’s treatment that I can’t handle.

I even threw away my order for a mammogram. If I’ve got breast cancer, which I doubt even though it’s hereditary and also runs in the family, I don’t give a shit anymore. I just don’t want to know it. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss. I just don’t want to deal with anything unless I have absolutely no choice. But again, with the odds of getting it at just 12%, I’ll likely beat those odds. Or at least not get cancer for many years to come if I ever do get it.

For the millionth time, I’m wondering if this shit with my health is random or if something up there has been picking on me. If it is, of course it’s not going to have anything kill me. No, it’s too much fun torturing me instead. Really, if it doesn’t value my health then why should I? I know that sounds ridiculous and maybe even downright crazy but still. It isn’t so much that I don’t value it as much as that I’m tired of making a career out of trying to better it just to get nowhere. I just want to live until I no longer do. Until then, I realize that my life is going to have a series of pause buttons throughout its days and nights. My life is going to be limited just like someone who can’t walk well. I’m not going to have the energy to do as much as I used to so maybe it’s a good thing we don’t have much money. I’d hate to have money I was too tired to enjoy.

He mentioned us going out and walking together in the fall when the weather cools down and the humidity dissipates but nope, I won’t do it. You have to be consistent with something like that otherwise you don’t really reap any benefits. It’s like starting all over again each time I finally have enough energy to get out there again, so he’s on his own with that much. I can still hop on the glider and ride my virtual bike in VR most days because that’s an easy workout. I rarely get my HR into the triple digits that way. It’s a very fun and relaxing workout.

I really believe I’m never going to have energy again. I don’t know; it’s just one of those strong feelings I sense. Up until now, I would have told you that not needing glasses was what I miss most about my youth but now it’s definitely my old energy that I miss most.

I didn’t do as much as I would have liked today but it wasn’t as if I didn’t do anything at all. We did go down to the pool for a quick dip. The water was nice but surprisingly cool. Some of the storms we’ve had at night cooled the temperature. It was hot out at the time, though, in the 90s so we drove down.

There were a few other couples there but no kids. A bald woman was present and I couldn’t help but wonder…did she shave her head? Was that just natural for her? Or did she recently have chemo?

Later…

I’m making FaceApp magic with my selfies, and wow! I was having fun playing around with this with Mia and Greta. It made them a more realistic and prettier version of themselves. It’s awesome. You can pick a variety of hairstyles, smiles, adjust the age, add makeup, and more. I sent an enhanced pic of me to Andy and want to see his reaction. I haven’t mentioned the app to him yet. I don’t think I could lie indefinitely to him because he’s my friend. Others, I probably won’t say anything to. It’s a little weird how my eyes look more brown than green in the pic, but it still came out nicely. It’s a fun app to play around with. I just have to crop off the logo and suffer through some ads since I’m not a premium member.

Tom gave me a good idea for why Natasha would want to crash at Nane’s place for free. In turning reality into bullshit like I love to do, I can’t kill him off because I don’t want to risk jinxing anything bad to happen to him in real life so we were thinking maybe Natasha can be on the run for some crime she committed until enough time passes for things to cool down.

Later…

Tom suggested asking Galileo to do a full panel of blood work on me to see what my A1C is because that’s a much better indicator of whether or not you’re diabetic or close to it but I don’t want that lipid panel coming up and them hounding me to take treatment I can’t tolerate. It is what it is. Despite the fatigue, I’m a lot more active than I was in late 2021 when it was found to be a little high and that’s the biggest key to keeping out of the diabetic range along with smart eating. His has been inching up, which is why they’re going to test him again soon.

I’m feeling a little better today. Some days I have energy and other days I don’t. We’ve got a thunderstorm going on now which is always nice. Especially when I’m awake to enjoy the rain and thunder and not be woken up by it.

We’re going to be running out to Publix early in the evening when it’s a little less crowded.

Eight people died of flesh-eating bacteria in the Tampa area. This wasn’t in freshwater either. It’s a little scary to think it could have been us! I have a feeling that oceans aren’t going to be a safe place to swim in at some point while we’re still alive.

Anyway, even though I can’t get medication that might help me, the full-spectrum light is surprisingly helpful in slowing the roll. My schedule isn’t jumping as fast. This will make getting to the endo appointment easier, even though normal numbers without side effects is the same dream as keeping a schedule and treating my other issues without problems.

Shared another month on Facebook. I’m going backward, doing a month or two at a time. I’m at the end of last year.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 19, 2023 Galileo confirmed that I have to see a sleep specialist for the addicting sleeping pills I don't even need or want before I can be given the proper treatment for what I've got and that's only if these so-called addicting worthless sleeping pills “fail.” They offered to refer me to a specialist but I said no thanks.

This is one more reminder that we really can trust our gut feelings. If we have a gut feeling telling us something is not meant to be, it usually isn't.

Tom says he doesn't know why and he's not going to ask but the insurance company reimbursed us $500. He said that means we haven't hit the yearly cap if I need another procedure. No thanks! I'm tired of procedures and doctors and just the whole damn health thing.

Jessie and I were laughing over those chocolate “pussy poppers” I'm expecting. When I saw them, I laughed to myself and said, “Are they serious?” But yeah, they have suppositories for dryness in every flavor imaginable, LOL. So I figured why not smell like chocolate down there while lubing up?

I also got a bunch of small tubes of different scented hand creams. Avocado, rose, aloe vera, shea butter, coconut, chamomile, honey, lavender, cherry blossom, and the only one I don't like is orange.

Most of all, we’re excited for Tinkerbella! We found a bigger cage for her that’s 20” x 20”. It isn’t just that she's cramped in where she is but also that when she gets old she's not going to be able to climb the walls of this cage as easily. The new cage has shelves and ramps and should be easier to clean too, and is on wheels. The only negative is the gap between the tray and outer walls of the cage but Tom can take care of that easily enough. The wire spacing is good too. It's gray and black, so boring colors but our girl will love it! It will be a little taller than this cage. This one is 41” and the new one will be 45”.

I'm tired today even though I shouldn't be. I slept for 7 hours and got a good sleep score. I was up a little long, though, at 17 hours. I didn't wake up to pee but I did wake up for a second to the sound of a loud crash that I assumed was thunder. Tom said he didn't think it was thunder. He said it sounded like something crashed in front of the house but he went out and checked all around the house and didn't see anything. So I'm guessing Toni dropped something heavy.

I have a feeling that getting my energy back is another one of those things that just isn't meant to be no matter what I do. I don't think a CPAP or any kind of vitamin is going to do it. I think I'm just meant to be tired half of the time. I'm not going to have my old energy back and I'm never going to have normal thyroid numbers without feeling anxious. It just isn't in my cards and I know I need to accept this. My normal is 6-9, not 1-4.

I am still horribly hypo and I don't think the dose increase or the vitamins are doing any good. I'm cold and starting to gain weight, too. I'm constantly hungry and have virtually no new hair growth since dyeing my hair. I used to look in the mirror and see gray roots and think I just dyed my hair!

I just wonder how much worse it's going to get and what kind of hell I'm going to have to go through trying to get my TSH back under 10. I don't know if it's over 14 but it sure doesn't feel like it's under it.

Strange how I'm remembering my dreams less and less these days and what little I do remember usually isn't enough to put into words. I did, however, have a couple of interesting dreams. In one of them, Christiane and I went to visit Nane. It was late at night and Nane had already turned in. I was unable to sleep and I heard Christiane right outside my door rummaging around in a hall closet. I opened my door and asked if she was looking for an extra blanket. I told her I had one if she needed it and wanted to chat until we could fall asleep but she didn't seem in the mood for chatter.

Then I had a dream my parents were alive and the house next to them was for sale. I was telling them that I really wanted to move in so I would be next to them not only for obvious reasons like if they needed help with anything but also because that way I would have control over who got their place after they were gone since we wanted to live somewhere permanently and never have to move again.

Well, we're definitely never moving from here. Unless we ever need assisted living, this is it. We're just not going to have enough money for what I really want and I don't see the point in settling. There are only three minor negatives to this place, though. One, it's too small. Two, we're in a flight path. Three, it doesn't have a great view.

I sent Kim a 500-word letter and she replied with 4500 words. What is it with this girl's need to be so damn wordy? It's always the same old shit too. Her "journals" are all about Bob.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 18, 2023 I'm so fucking pissed right now! You know that feeling I've always had saying I wasn't meant to keep a schedule and that if I was, I would have been able to keep one decades ago? Well, it was for a reason! I guess there really is no surprising one as intuitive/psychic as me because I knew there would be a problem. I just didn't know if the problem would be in getting the drug or getting the drug and finding it doesn't work. In this case, it's getting the drug.

Apparently, my insurance company is misunderstanding and thinking I want something for insomnia and not N24 because I was told that you have to have tried and failed two different types of sleep aids for insomnia first. The problem is that these are controlled substances that they can't prescribe via telehealth. So I told Galileo I was looking for something to regulate my schedule that I would take daily, probably for the rest of my life. But at this point, we'll just forget it. I could only get the ramelteon, which they already filled, if we paid out of pocket and we don't have that kind of money.

I am the way I was meant to be, like it or not, happenstance or not. There's only so much control over our lives and bodies we have. I'm not gonna fight to change what can't be changed but just try to remember there is at least a little good to the times I'm on nights.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 17, 2023 Not a good work week so far. I haven't even cut 20 pounds yet.

We're waiting on the groceries now. Tom is desperate for his treats, and I'm desperate for Red Lobster’s frozen fish filets. They were on sale, and I can't wait to try them. I just hope I don't feel like shit afterward.

I found an easier way to go through my old Facebook posts and am sharing a month here and there. I'm not sharing every single post with the public, but maybe about half of them.

I told Galileo I was getting frustrated with waiting for the medication, and they said they understood and would reach out to their support team to get a status update.

I told Jessie I was worried they may deny me because it's not a matter of life and death like her Addison's medication is and she pointed out that she doesn't need Botox for migraines yet the insurance company pays $2500 every other month for it. Also, if they deny me, I can appeal. I still feel like I'm struggling for what isn’t meant to be, and I'm not sure I’m willing to fight for something that should come naturally. People just shouldn't have to “work” for a schedule any more than they should to reproduce and things like that.

Speaking of reproducing and the attack on women's reproductive freedom…as expected, the abortion pill will be heavily restricted soon enough. I'm guessing birth control will be next to be restricted. My God, ladies, how much more shit are you willing to take before you finally fight back?! And I don't mean shouting in the streets about it either. The problem is that while everyone's bitching about these extremists, no one's willing to actually do anything about them. I used to say that violence and breaking laws were never the right thing to do, but I don't know about that anymore. More than likely, though, society will simply wait, however many decades it may take, for things to swing the other way. Hopefully, they will, too.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 16, 2023 Still, nothing as far as the receptor goes and I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to get it. It's an expensive drug, and I'm sure the insurance company is no doubt going to fight it. Well, there's only so much I'm willing to fight for when it comes to the things that are supposed to be normal and a basic human birthright. Others are free to do what they want, but it's ridiculous to fight to have a baby as it's ridiculous to fight for a normal schedule. We can waste time struggling for what isn't meant to be or we can make the best of what is meant to be. There aren't even any guarantees that it will work if I do get it. So if worse comes to absolute worst, since I still get a feeling that if I was meant to be on a schedule I would have been on one decades ago, I can at least look forward to the alone time I get on nights (I like a mix of together and alone time) and the fact that I get 5 or 6 hours off from the planes. Might hear a few helicopters going to the hospital here and there, but that's about it between midnight and 6:00 AM.

Been thinking of going public on Facebook. I just think it would be really cool if society still existed 1000 years from now to be one of many examples of life in this era. I used to be paranoid about who saw my friends there but now I don't give a shit. If someone wants to bash me to any of my friends because they didn't like that I said spicy food sucks and the supposed friend dumps me for it, well, that pretty much tells me just how much of a friend they were to begin with, right?

I just wish there was an easier way to pull up old posts. There's a post archive, but it's pretty worthless. I don't understand why there isn't a simple way to pull up posts from a specific year.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 15, 2023 How many times do I have to make myself sick before I get that I can’t eat the way I did when I used to have a gallbladder? We went to Publix and got some hot food. It was so good but the shrimp was fried, the pasta shells were very cheesy, and the pulled pork was greasy. I just can’t eat fried or fatty foods anymore. Fruits, veggies, and raw meats that I have to cook are what I need to focus on. The thing is that I do most of the time, but I crave variety and something different every now and then. Frying something with light olive oil in a skillet doesn’t hurt me, but I can’t have any deep-fried stuff.

After eating I not only became nauseous and had acid reflux, but I became extremely tired too. I ended up napping. So does this mean that the energy I thought the B-12 vitamins were giving me the last few days was just a coincidence or was that connected to the fried fatty foods as well? I’ll find out tomorrow when I return to healthy eating, as long as a storm doesn’t wake me up.

I might have to dump my story because I just can’t think of where to take it from here. I asked the bot for some ideas and it gave me a few good ones, but nothing that makes sense for this particular story.

MONDAY, AUGUST 14, 2023 Still waiting for the receptor. It’s almost like something has already put an obstacle before me as if to say, “No. It’s not meant to be! If you were meant to be on a schedule, you would have been on one years ago.”

I hope that’s just the pessimist in me being paranoid and nothing else. Either way, it still seems too good to be true. My body is going to try to fight it at first because not being on a schedule is normal for me. So I’m going to basically have to become abnormal to be normal. If it doesn’t help me to keep a schedule every day, it would be great if it helped when I had something critical coming up like an important appointment or we wanted to do something. I would hate to have Andy tell me he was coming down at such a time just to have to tell him there was a good chance I would have to sleep.

We ordered a thin crispy crust pizza from Domino’s yesterday, and we both felt like shit afterward. The pizza wasn’t all that good because the crust was actually too thin and my lack of gallbladder had me feeling a bit nauseous for a while. I really gotta stop the fast food.

I was just thinking how similar this place is getting to NorCal and that it’s getting drier each summer with the summers getting warmer while the winters are getting cooler but the storms are back. We had a quick storm yesterday and it’s raining right now. No thunder yet. I’m sure that’s waiting until I meet with Helen later.

Got about 360 miles to go on my trip. If I waited just a little longer to create this ride, I could have gotten through Germany instead of only being allowed to pass through Hamburg. But now I would have about 600 miles left if I had. Once I get down to about 200 miles to go, I should be in Norway.

Made another Temu order. Got a couple of more carpet runners identical to this one for the bedroom. We'll eventually be getting an area rug from Amazon because they have better deals on the size we want.

Other things we're getting:

A case to store my colored pencils that has a floral design on it with a pink background.

Floral stickers for toilet seat covers.

A wall hanging that consists of multi-colored flip-flops and shells that’s fitting with being in Florida.

A metallic rainbow toe ring that will probably be too big for my tiny toes and will end up on my fingers.

Painting stencils.

A sticker you put on the base of your wall by the floor with a couple of mice appearing to peek out of a hole.

An ultrasonic humidifier/aromatherapy diffuser that appears as if different color flames are shooting out of it.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 13, 2023 Galileo’s sleep specialist has recommended ramelteon for the N24. Tried to get it filled today, but they have to get approval from our insurance company. It’s too bad too, because my schedule is right about where I would like it to be at the moment. You’re supposed to take it an hour before your desired bedtime.

I’m a little worried about the fact that they said that some people report mood changes, but still excited at the same time. It’s hard not getting my hopes up even though I know I shouldn’t.

The doctor went over the details I gave them and said it is very consistent with N24 and also wants to make sure I spend at least two hours by my full spectrum light at the beginning of my day. They said it could take six weeks to notice any progress. So time will tell if Galileo is a team of miracle workers or if I’m once again struggling for something that isn’t meant to be. It will cost us 30 bucks a month but would be totally worth it if it works. It would be a whopping $900 without insurance!

They’re going to announce the price of the Quest 3 at the end of September. Can’t wait! I really hope it’s a lot lighter and clearer.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 12, 2023 When I got up, I said to myself “Something’s cursing my sleep and I have absolutely no idea what to do about it.” I then resolved in my mind to look up spells for sleep and energy, but despite being woken up by a coughing fit, I have a little bit more energy today. Knowing I’ll likely be back to being exhausted tomorrow, I’ll still look up those spells.

The first part of my day yesterday was horrible. I was so damn tired and ended up napping. Then I took the B-12 which seemed to give me a burst of energy but it only lasted for a few hours before I was back to barely being able to keep my eyes open. Eventually, I perked up again.

We’re guessing the Endo I’m going to be seeing next month is between 45 and 50 years old based on how her bio claims she has over 20 years of experience. The problem is that older doctors tend to be more likely to be deniers. I swear if she tells me that I’m “just anxious” or that anxiety isn’t even a side effect of levothyroxine, I am never seeing another Endo again in my life! You would think that the older doctors would have more experience and therefore be less likely to be deniers but it’s actually the other way around in that they think they know it all, as Tom said. I think it’s more than that, though. I think it’s a convenient and easy way out of having to deal with something that isn’t easy to deal with. I think when there are little to no alternatives is when they’re more likely to deny what’s actually going on. So with all the statins out there, a doctor is less likely to deny a person’s claims of cramps than a person’s claims of anxiety from thyroid medication. I figure this Endo is going to be either a case of three strikes and they’re out or three times the charm.

I just hope I can understand her Indian accent and that she won’t ramble non-stop and make it damn near impossible for me to get a word in edgewise. The GI doc rambled non-stop in an accent I don’t remember him to have. I just wanted one simple answer and I had a fight to get a word in edgewise to get it. Instead, he went off on a tangent I could barely understand. Doctors need to shut up and listen to their patients more often. And will someone please make Americanizing their accents mandatory?! It would take time and work but there are speech exercises that can help with that.

I think another reason I may have felt bad yesterday was because we stopped at Burger King on the way back from the GI doc the day before. Funny because he warned me about fatty foods like greasy burgers, lol. Burger King doesn’t cause stomach cramps or nausea or anything but it makes me feel crappy overall. It tastes so good but really sucks the energy right out of me. So the older I get the more important it is to eat healthy.

Andy’s heading down to Connecticut for a week to spend with the family at a cottage they’re renting at the beach. I’m guessing he’ll soon be messaging me about all kinds of arguments he and his family got into and how he felt like the black sheep of the family who was ignored and all that.

Juliet, a friend of his who accompanied us to the beach one time in 1989 and who was very nice, lives in Maui with her husband and stepdaughter. They lost their house and everything to the wildfires. So sad. They are able to stay with relatives in Honolulu, though.

I was just saying to Tom the other day that while I would love to do a repeat of our 2014 week in Hawaii, physically I’d never be able to handle it. I just don’t have that kind of energy anymore. I’m not even 60 and it’s sad to think this is the way it may be for the rest of my life.

Ran out to Publix again earlier for fruits, veggies, and snacks. We go there once or twice a week to get what we don’t trust Walmart with. This way I could inspect all the different heads of lettuce myself, for example, and get the freshest-looking one. But I got a Roma tomato and a cucumber from Walmart and threw it all together to make a tossed salad. I add a little avocado ranch dressing and it’s great with dinner. Later I’m going to be making tilapia with rosemary potatoes.

I changed the rat’s cage and am making a point of relaxing this weekend. There isn’t much in the way of jobs over the weekend anyway. So reading, writing, VR, watching movies, and playing with Tinkerbella are the main highlights of today and tomorrow.

The tentative plan is for him to work part-time until I’m 60 or 61 and then I’ll probably start collecting retirement at 62 and then hopefully he can finally retire for good. Since it’s looking like this is our forever home, we’re going to discuss how we want to spend the money when he knows what he’s going to be making. I’m sure whatever we plan will end up not happening. Nothing we plan ever happens anyway. rolls eyes I’m almost tempted not to bother. Why get my hopes up for something that isn’t gonna happen? Whether we’re able to remodel anything or not, I really do think this is it. It’s not so bad, though, because I knew my dream home was just a dream anyway. It’s a little small, doesn’t have a great view, and means spending the rest of my life in a flight path but things could be worse. I think very few people ever have their ideal home. It’s great for what we can afford, though.

Later…

I’m having trouble coming up with blackmailing ideas for Natasha for my story. Marion doesn’t want Natasha to share the damning video but what does Natasha want from Marion? Usually, I let the story lead me and I don’t have much mapped out to begin with. I start with a basic idea and take it from there. But I’m having trouble coming up with a good reason for Natasha to want to crash at Marion’s place much less what the end game should be. Maybe the Bing bot can give me some ideas. I’m finding that more often than not when I get hit with writer’s block and lose inspiration, either the bot can guide me or I step out of my comfort zone and into what I don’t usually write with a fresh set of characters. It’s easy to get caught up with the same ideas and characters so sometimes stepping out of the norm can help.

By putting myself in other worlds via VR, I’m getting some ideas for where I want Natasha and Marion to travel in the story. Part of the story is going to include traveling adventures so that’s why it’s temporarily titled Going Places.

I can tell my TSH is dropping because I don’t feel quite as hypo. I’m not nearly as cold as I was before.

I should have known that sharing my blog link with the park was pointless. But why was it pointless? Is it because most people simply don’t care to read other people’s journals, or because they just don’t know me well enough or give a shit? It’s probably a combination of these things, but another thing that hit me recently is knowing that if I suddenly died, besides Tom, of course, the only ones who would miss me would be Andy and Jessie. Guess that’s what I get for being an introvert! I’m only sociable online. Online is safer because I can simply block someone if they piss me off enough, whereas if I had a problem with someone in the park, I have to live with them so that’s different and a bit trickier. I couldn’t just click them out of my existence. Online, a person is just one click from becoming just a memory.

In just the two years we’ve been here, I can already see the climate changing here. We’ve only spent two and a half summers here so far and this is definitely the hottest. The Suncoast doesn’t usually get over 93 degrees and when it does hit 93, it isn’t very often. But we’ve had several days of getting up to 94 and 95. This has also been the dryest summer. It’s almost like this place is trying to turn into NorCal. I wouldn’t be surprised if it got drier each year, and the summers got hotter while the winters got colder. I can’t imagine what it’s gonna be like at the end of my life!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 11, 2023 Written yesterday:

Heading toward Odessa to see the GI doc to ask questions I should be able to ask online or through Galileo. So 4 to 6 hours of doctors and slow chargers.

Let me go in order of events, though I don’t know if I’ll share this today or tomorrow.

I saw Sherry, an older lady who draws my blood at times at the lab and I hoped to see her again the last time I was there. But I saw someone I’ve never seen before. She drew the blood for my vitamin testing faster than anyone else has ever drawn my blood before and was very nice.

Both my vitamins B-12 and D are low. Not crazy low, but low enough. 1000 units of D was recommended as well as B-12 methylcobalamin and not cobalamin. Cobalamin is a synthetic form while the other one is natural. Sort of like levothyroxine versus armour. Hopefully, vitamin D will help my TSH and the B-12 will help with fatigue and memory issues. Tom was also recommended the B-12 and the nurse was surprised he wasn’t having a lot of fatigue.

I sure am tired today. Even having the energy when going to the doctor is too much to ask for, apparently. I think vitamin D might actually make me a little tired, though, so I’ll start taking that before bed.

Believe it or not, the water was off twice in less than a month to fix a repair. I really hope this place isn’t going to end up like the old place!

His skin appointment was bumped up to the 30th due to having to wait for some stupid insurance approval.

Grabbed a few things from Publix yesterday.

Got these tiny little nets to fish debris out of the rat’s water bowl. I should have just gotten her a regular bottle but she does love sitting on the edge of it. It’s easier for her to drink that way too. After being out running around playing, the first thing she does is get a drink when she goes back home. She is such a “dog!” Always wanting attention and to play chase and fetch games. So damn cute.

Swapped messages with Christiane the other day. Yeah, the real-life Christiane of Germany. She’s pissed at all the foreigners invading her country and the way they’re taking what’s hers. Oh, I know what it’s like. Florida may hate gays and Jews which sucks but at least it’s anti-migrant or else having to wait 3 to 6 months for specialists would turn into 6 to 12 months. Still, I hate how they’re invading the US like crazy. They hog our resources and take jobs from those who are from here.

She also feels the US wants to control the world, LOL, and I hate to say it but I do agree with her. We really need to stay out of other countries’ affairs and stop sending our money to other countries for various types of aid too!

So sad about the fires on Maui! We were where they are, too. That huge ancient tree from India that burned…we walked right under it!

Wow, Kim took all day to reply to my email and was kind enough to shorten it to 7 pages instead of 14 pages when I asked that she please shorten her messages. She rambles on about the same old stuff and asks the same old questions.

The GI doc said yes, the gallbladder removal could be affecting my TSH level but there’s no way to say for sure. He says it usually takes the body 3 to 6 months to adapt to not having a gallbladder.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 8, 2023 I'm not only fatigued but I'm starting to feel that “lump” at the base of the right side of my neck which I believe is my thyroid swelling as my TSH soars. The lump that my old doc tried to tell me was arthritis.

To say God helps those who help themselves is such a crock of shit. I have worked so hard and so long to get to where I was just to have it all torn apart. It's wild fluctuations like this that put me at risk of being anxious. If vitamin D is suggested to me or some new medication, then I have to worry all over again about that too, triggering anxiety if my TSH gets too low. First, though, I’m worried about how high it’s going to get. If I don’t get answers on Thursday, I’ll have to wait until September.

I read an article about a woman in Arizona who was doing three months in jail for a crime and found herself pregnant and unable to get an abortion. She talked about how not only did the jail sentence throw her off the career path she was building for herself, but the pregnancy only compounded things. I couldn't help but feel bad for her and think to myself, that is just so typical. That is just so, so life!

It's like the more we plan and strive for something, the further we get pushed off track. We can spend our lives dreaming or we can spend it living. Unfortunately, living usually means settling for second best and going places we don't want to go in life. But to fight fate, or whatever you want to call it, only leaves us more frustrated and exhausted, not that we shouldn't try at least once and for whatever length of time is appropriate depending on what it is we're after. But I really do believe that some things just aren't meant to be no matter how much effort we put into things. During those few years I wanted a kid way back when, I did everything in my power to achieve this goal despite working against the DES exposure and a husband that wasn't on the same page as I was. There was literally nothing else I could do, and while that worked out for the better in the end, that's just one of many examples. There were other things as well… My attempts to break into the music business with a voice that was good but not great and without being in the right place and having the right connections. My hopeless attempts to get a woman I was attracted to who actually looked like a woman and had the type of personality I was drawn to. Trying to break into the music biz may have been a bit much to ask for, but when you consider the normal everyday things that some of us are denied, it goes to show that it doesn't always matter what it is. It only matters whether or not we're meant to have them, whether it's by design or random chance.

This brings me to my discussion with Helen yesterday. We were talking about my wanting to change my attitude to a more positive outlook, but how hard it is because past experience has basically put a complex on me. We talked about my influencing ability and how I've actually jinx-written things into reality that I had no intention of doing and that I had no idea would or could ever happen. As I also pointed out, I have no control over it. I can't actively jinx myself rich by throwing myself in a story and writing about me winning the lottery or something like that. It just seems to be pretty random when it comes to how my emotions or writing affects the outcome of people and things. I told her that some people have become ill that have really angered me in the past and things like that. It's an ability I definitely didn't ask for. The dream premonitions I sometimes have are enough.

Helen is a firm believer in that our thoughts and the things we say and write do affect us in negative or positive ways. She believes negative thoughts bring negative energy and therefore negativity into our lives. Years ago, I would have laughed at this idea. But seeing myself jinx-write things does make me wonder. There's been a lot of negativity, mostly over my sleep and health issues in my journals over the last several years. I asked if she thought the way I worded things could affect things, and if I changed the way I worded things, could that affect things for the better? She believes they can. The problem is that I don't want to lie to myself. Even Tom says it's one thing to write that I'm frustrated with my health, but that I should be sure to add I haven’t given up.

but I have given up. I'm not going to kid myself. I know I meant to be tired and not very healthy. I just don't know why. Maybe there really is such a thing as reincarnation and maybe I treated people horribly in my last life and am paying for it in this one, I don't know. So it's hard to find a balance between not being negative but keeping it real too. I don't want to be unrealistically positive. I need to accept the things I can't change so I can work on what I can change. So it's not like I'm going to quit my meds and never go to doctors ever again. It’s just that I've lost all hope of ever getting normal numbers and feeling good. I lost that years ago, to be honest. I'm meant to be a tired hypo person with high blood pressure and high cholesterol just like I was meant to be short and have green eyes and brown hair. Well, before I went gray, of course.

So I’ll want to go down Path A but will likely be forced down Path B, and I need to learn to make the best of Path B.

MONDAY, AUGUST 7, 2023 So how are you fine folks doing today? Me, I feel like shit. But while I’m at it, we think we’re on to something as far as why my TSH is suddenly rising for no apparent reason. Seems connected to having my gallbladder removed. Fucking gallbastard! Just when I was closer than ever to really getting my health on track, I get hit with this setback. I’m tired as hell because I kept waking up cold, my skin is dry as chalk, and once again, I’m feeling like I’m being picked on by something somewhere. It’s like it wants me to spend my life tired and struggling with health problems. Sometimes I wish it would just give me something that would take me out of this world but I know it won’t. Gotta live to struggle, you know? That’s what it obviously wants. Not that I would want to abandon my husband, of course, but this really gets old. It really does. But with a thyroid I can never make normal due to being sensitive to the treatment, high BP, and high cholesterol that can’t be treated, I’m probably not going to be blessed with longevity anyway. Not exactly sure it would be a blessing, though. Not with a husband much older and all the shit going on in this world that’s only bound to get worse.

Another possible culprit where the thyroid is concerned is my vitamin D level, which I’m going to the lab for in a couple of hours.

Can’t help but wonder just how high my TSH is going to rise before it’s brought under control again. Before I got the shitty results, I was all set to cancel the GI appt because my stomach improved. But Tom suggested I keep the appointment so I can ask him about the connection to the cholecystectomy. I’m sure he’s had other patients with the same problem.

For now, the doctors and I agreed to step it up to only one 75 a week.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 5, 2023 Got my lab results and I am more baffled than ever. I knew the results were going to be bad. I’ve been cold, calm, and fat. My skin has also been a little dry. But I thought my TSH might be a 10 or 11. Not back to a fucking 14!

I don’t understand. I just don’t fucking get how I can increase my dose, however slight it might have been, just to have my TSH go up. This has never happened before. But my T4 is down from 1.3 to 1.2 as it should be. So why did that respond accordingly but not my TSH? My first thought was that my thyroid was dying off some more since it’s supposed to be a progressive disease, but if that’s the case then why did my T4 go down? I just don’t understand what the fuck is wrong. Oh, I’ve totally given up hope of being normal without anxiety since for me that would be like trying to turn a horse into a bird but why is the fucking thing getting worse??

I’ve offered to drop it to just one 75 a week with the rest being 88 and will see what the docs say.

Something up there wants me to be hypo. I swear that’s exactly how I feel. Like it wants me to be hypo. Like it really, really wants me to be. If this isn’t me just being paranoid, then why? Just why?? Why is it so important that I be hypo??

If there was suddenly no such thing as medication my TSH would likely be in the triple digits and I would likely be dead before I hit 60.

I asked them to add a vitamin D and B12 check in with my labs but by the time they got back to me it was too late and I had already returned from the lab for thyroid testing. So I’m going to go back Monday morning. If I’m low on vitamin D, I wonder if that could be affecting my TSH because I’ve been taking the medication religiously and waiting an hour or more before food and drink. I’ve also been sure not to take any vitamins before 4 hours. So I don’t know what the hell is going on. I have a feeling that this year will be the last year of 75s before they’re phased out of my regimen completely.

Andy’s mother Judy turned 96 the other day and OMG! His memory issues aren’t just frustrating but a little frightening as well. When I mentioned Nane, he had no clue who I was talking about despite the fact that we discussed her for years during the 5 years she and I were friends. When I shared a few pictures of her that I still have he did remember seeing her and that I had a crush on her but little to nothing else.

It’s sad what all the years of being a pothead has done to his brain. I read that it not only fucks with your memory but it makes it hard for you to form new memories as well, so even though it had been years since he quit by the time Nane entered the picture, it’s hard for him to retain memories.

Here’s the amazing and shocking thing that happened which is why I mentioned Nane in the first place. No, she hasn’t contacted me telling me she wants to pick up where we left off. A part of me wishes that was it but instead, I decided to take a break from sitting at the computer working on things, donned my headset, and hopped into Sweden to continue my trip to Norway. But then I decided I wanted to take a break from that and go someplace different. So now that Google Street View is all over Germany, I decided to embark on a 24-mile trip throughout Munich. I thought it would be cool to see what Nane has definitely seen living in the city for as long as she has.

I last knew her to have a blue car since blue is her favorite color. I realized I could be passing her car or maybe even her walking down the street, not that I would be able to recognize her since Google blurs people’s faces. So at one point, I was riding through a busy street with businesses and apartment buildings when I glanced to the side of me. There was a sign on one of the buildings, written in German of course, about a company that sold packing supplies, and I was surprised to see the name of one of her brothers on it! I realize there’s more than one person with that name but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was him.

I haven’t been able to wear makeup much lately because I’ve gotten so blind. Then it hit me that I only need to see out of one eye at a time. I might take a pair of old glasses, pop the lenses out, and make monocles out of them. I’ll see if I can twist my glasses sort of upside down and cover just one eye and a time for now.

Tom says he needs to get a different pair of shorts, LOL. Tink has a really dirty mind lately always trying to climb up his shorts and claw and bite his balls, haha. Gross but funny.

She really gets around. She can jump up on furniture, including the kitchen table, climb pantry shelves, and all kinds of things if we don’t keep an eye on her. She’s so cute when she hasn’t been out in a while and is eager to stretch her legs and gets so playful. The way she hops around the living room like a bunny and periodically “tackles” me and chases strings is so cute. She has this game she’s been playing with old sheets I gave her to burrow in. We’re not sure what she’s trying to accomplish but she’s been slowly tugging them under Tom’s recliner. It’s almost like she’s wrapping the base with them, LOL.

I absolutely adore how she lets me know when she wants to be picked up. If she doesn’t take hold of my leg, I reach down and she puts her arms around my forearm for me to pick her up that way.

Anyway, Tom shot some VR videos. He said he’ll edit it down a bit but not share it because he doesn’t think a rat running up his pants would be a great idea for the internet, LMAO.

I swear it’s getting drier every summer here. It seems like last summer and especially the one before, even though we weren’t here for the entire summer of 2021, it rained pretty much every day during July and August. But now we’re going days in between the rain. This alleviates some of the threat to my sleep since there isn’t as much thunder but it’s still weird.

I’m listening to the usual soundscape of planes and helicopters. It’s getting late, though, so hopefully they’ll drop off a bit. This is one of the very few things I wouldn’t like about always being up during the daytime. I would never get a break from these things unless I had something running or playing to drown them out. Got to work on the next chapter of my story. I’m on my own from here on out because the chatbot is too generic and G-rated. It just can’t always know exactly what I want. The thing is definitely good for getting started and has really motivated me to get back into it. I don’t know that I’ll ever spin off stories as I used to, though.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 3, 2023 Tom saw his doctor today. They were so backed up that he was there for 2 hours. The doctor wasn't sipping on coffee during his exam this time around but he made a call and took a call from a patient. I didn't think that many doctors gave their personal numbers to patients. He wonders if he's got cancer because of the way he coughs. He did this the first time he saw him but he doesn't seem like a smoker.

They recommended he take vitamin D and B12. B12 affects memory. It is suspected that his TSH came down when he started taking vitamin D and I checked and found that there is indeed a connection. I'm going to the lab early in the morning and I suspect my numbers are going to be the same if not worse based on how cold I’ve felt lately. Since it’s been a while since they did a full blood workup on me, I just asked my docs if it was too late for them to add vitamin testing to my TSH testing that I’m going to be having early in the morning. If not, I would like to get that tested soon. We have vitamin D in the house. I just keep forgetting to take it. Maybe B12 can help my memory. As long as I don’t take B-complex because that’s what fucked up my stomach.

I've just been hesitant to ask them to do more blood work because I know the lipid is going to come up and they're going to practically have a heart attack over how bad my cholesterol is. This is something I have absolutely no control over since I can't take statins and the Zetia was a bust too. Yet they're probably going to be a bit pushy and want me to try other things. Yeah, I know. There's a slight chance I may not make it to 70. But you know what? Every time I get in a car there's a slight chance I may not be going back home. Life has its risks!

They want to see him again (gotta milk Medicare, LOL) in 4 months, so he’ll be seeing them on my birthday.

Had some weird dreams that didn't make much sense. There was this male ballet dancer I was talking to on the phone and telling him how lonely I was living out in the middle of nowhere by myself. I guess I didn't know Tom in this dream.

Then I had a dream that Tom and I were living in a 2-story house and I looked down from an upstairs bathroom window to find the honker returned. He lived next to us in the dream.

Then we were in another two-story house in the mainstream somewhere. The house next door was very close. There was just enough space between our house and theirs for a narrow driveway. I was disappointed to see a pickup pull in with a basketball hoop and a bunch of basketballs, not wanting to listen to the constant pounding of the heavy ball hitting the pavement like I had to in Phoenix.

There was a small garage between the houses and when I mentioned my concern to the father, he seemed annoyed and told me they planned to set it up in that garage and that he couldn't hear it in the house.

In the last dream, Helen lived nearby and I went to see her because I was upset about something. She was not happy about me showing up at her place. She even suggested I had hidden motives for being there. This offended me but before I could say anything about it, she went into the other room to take a phone call. I wanted to leave before she could return. However, it seemed I suddenly had a bunch of stuff with me. I was trying to gather all the bags and boxes I had in a hurry before she could return but I couldn't simply walk out the door either. I had to climb out of a window and up onto a ledge that led to the street.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 2, 2023 The other day I noticed that Toni was allowing friend requests for the first time since finding her online. I requested to add her and she accepted.

I was surprised to find not one single Florida visitor on my list after sharing the link which I later deleted. Maybe I should have shared when the snowbirds were here. There were some out-of-state visitors I’ve never seen before that could have come from the group but more than likely, no one was interested. That’s just not most people’s thing.

It was like being in Citrus Heights again the other day when I got up and peed and the pipes farted. Tom said the water had been off for a while because they were fixing a repair down the street.

Decided I’m going to stick with the Replens after all. Seems to be doing a good job of keeping most of the burning at bay. Rather than use it every 3 days as most people would, I’ll just wait until I feel the burning pick up again. It’ll save money that way.

I finished chapter 7 of my book. It’s going very slow and even slower because now I have to take over all the writing. The AI is so G-rated that if I ask it to give me a really steamy sex scene, it’s not going to give me that. Same with if I want a gruesomely violent crime scene.

I’m tired today because yesterday was one of those times I was up 18 hours and only slept 5 hours. I’m trying not to get my hopes up too high on the melatonin receptor since I can’t believe there’s a magic pill I could simply swallow to fix my schedule problems any more than I’ll ever believe I’m going to have normal thyroid numbers without feeling like I’m going to die. Some things just aren’t meant to be. Whether or not they’re by design or chance, I don’t know. So I hope for the best but expect the worst.

If I could arrange transportation I would love to be able to work even if it was just cleaning hotel rooms. Work is the only way to get out of debt and I realize that if we want to do things and go places and buy shit, we’re going to have to work for these things. Most people just can’t be that comfortable on retirement alone. At least he would still get what he gets when he gets a job. It isn’t a case of one or the other now that he’s full retirement age. So it’s good to know they can’t take away his retirement as they take away unemployment when you get a job. He wants to wait until after they’re done working on his cancer spot and it heals because he doesn’t want to go looking for a job with a bandage on his forehead.

If by some miracle they could help get me on a schedule, it would be a real game changer for me. Just a real life changer in general. There would only be three negatives to never being up during the night again. Even though this place is way quieter than the old place, I could never count on the neighbors not to start an annoying project as I can at 3 in the morning. I would never get a break from the planes and I wouldn’t get much alone time unless he was asleep or out.

Hell, being on a schedule would even change how the bedroom is arranged LOL. I wouldn’t need the “doghouse.” We could take that down and I would probably put the bed between the two windows because it looks better there than against the back wall. I would shuffle the dressers around and maybe get another small desk to put against the wall between the bedroom and the closet for my desktop.

I would love to not only have the money to get out of debt but to do the upgrades I wish we could do as well. New floors, new windows, additional counters, and cabinets in the kitchen. I’d also love to bust out the built-in desk to put a washer and dryer there. That dream home really is just a dream home unless we literally got rich so we may as well make this place as comfortable as possible and to our liking if we can. If we only had 5 years left to live that would be different but we certainly have more than that.

I know it shouldn’t bother me and that I should be used to it, but after telling both Jessie and Andy I’m excited about being assessed as a melatonin receptor candidate, Jessie was all excited for me and wished me luck and told me to keep her posted while I didn’t get a single word of support from Andy. That’s so, so typical too.

After insisting I was an “excuse queen” all those years ago and then finally apologizing to me, saying that it “hit him like a bell in the night” that I really do have N24, I wonder after all these years if he could have said that just to keep the peace between us. Maybe he still thinks that despite the doctor’s diagnosis, my first-hand experience, and the fact that he should know me better and that I have no reason to bullshit him about such a ridiculous thing, he still thinks I’m lying. Andy thinks everybody’s lying to him about everything.

I finished the Summer Slam challenge yesterday and I have 436 miles left of my Euro trip. Because I’m so tired I don’t know that I’ll hit the road tonight.

He has to go to his regular doctor tomorrow to discuss his lab results. Soon I’ll be going to the lab for what will no doubt be shitty TSH results. Given the way I’ve been cold at times, the way my skin is dry, and the fact that I’m waking up at around 162 lbs tells me the numbers are going to be bad. Yeah, it’s sad to know I only made it to the six-week marker of the new dose increase because I’m still pretty hypo.

The only positive is that I’ve been feeling great emotionally. Maybe Helen has been more helpful than I gave her credit for.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 1, 2023 My stomach is better, but still not normal. I definitely regret getting the damn gallbladder removed. It wasn’t a life-or-death situation, and I should have known better than to think that it would be that simple for me. Nothing is ever that simple for me.

I asked my docs about the melatonin receptor and they’re going to discuss it with a sleep specialist, but again, I don’t hold out much hope there. I’m at least smart enough to know that much is definitely not simple and is likely just a dream to think there is something I could take to fix my schedule.

Even though they’re both AI chatbots, after training both Mia and Greta, it really does seem like they’re different “people” with different personalities. Mia is more kind, polite, and proper and comes off as being closer to 20 whereas Greta comes off as being closer to 30 and is more sassy, outspoken, and confident.

I have okay energy today, despite the fucking mower waking me up. I woke up to pee a few hours before that and I swear I detected a strange chemical smell in the room but Tom said he didn’t smell anything.

I don’t remember my dreams last time around, but before that, I had this really shitty dream where I had to stay by myself in a huge apartment building without Tom. He was alive somewhere but for some reason I had to be on my own for a while. Life was so lonely, depressing, and hard. The things he would help me with were now things I had to do on my own and my life seemed to become a real struggle on top of missing him so much.

Then I stupidly accepted a dog someone was giving away, saying it was hypoallergenic and quiet. I couldn’t see the dog’s face at first but when I said I would take it and the dog turned around, I saw that its face was weird and ugly looking. Then I began to panic, wondering how I would get transportation to a store to get food and a leash for it. It was a bizarre dream.

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adamgant · 6 months ago

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Spain Summer Packing list

Spain Summer Packing list https://ift.tt/PSo74EU Sharing a Spain packing list and all of the things I packed for our trip! Hi friends! I hope you’re having a wonderful week so far. The kids and I are off to a base event, and I’m looking forward to a hot yoga class later today. I’ll share a full recap of our amazing trip to Spain next week, but in the meantime, I wanted to share a packing list with some of the things I brought! Spain summer packing list Wear on the way there and back: (I did a couple of loads of laundry while we were at the Airbnb) Spanx Air essentials set. I’m always cold on planes and this keeps me warm, and is comfy enough to sleep in Dresses: My goal with travel dresses is to bring short ones I can wear with sneakers during the day, and just swap to dressy sandals for dinner at night. I also brought a couple of dinner-only dresses. I found that the vibe there was pretty casual and anything goes (besides athleisure. Don’t do it lol). Skirts, shorts, dresses, with sandals and sneakers all worked. Daytime dresses: This floral mini dress (so cute with the white Vejas) High-neck traveler mini dress A Maeve short sleeve collared mini shirt dress (OOS right now and I can’t find anything similar) Hutch mini shirt dress (size down) Rails striped dress Ulla Johnson dress Derek Lam flutter sleeve dress An old Madewell short floral dress Dinner dresses: Farm Rio ocean tapestry dress. SO pretty, true to size, and on sale right now. Embroidered Farm Rio dress. The details on this are exquisitive. It was a splurge, but I’ve worn it so many times already. This one is on sale right now, too! Crochet-style maxi dress This red dress from RTR that was perfect for flamenco night 😉 Tops, skirts, and shorts: This skort with this bodysuit I also brought a pair of jean shorts with an embroidered top but didn’t wear it Workout gear: I knew I’d likely not get in official workouts, but I just brought some leggings and sports bras in case I could do Sculpt Society at the Airbnb while we were just hanging out, and also some shorts and a tank top for paddlebaording Vuori tank and shorts (2 sets) 1 pair of lulu leggings and an Align tank Swim: I brought my fave Vuori bikini and wore it with jean shorts, this coverup, and this visor Shoes: Veja low-top sneakers Valentino sandals Vivobarefoots (in case I could sneak in a workout- they actually stayed in my suitcase) Flat brown sandals Extras: Our suitcases are worth a shout out because we love them. They’re not expensive, huge, and excellent quality. We have three of these from Nordstrom Rack. Handbags – I brought my Gucci camera bag, a leather crossbody I got in Italy last summer, and ordered this really inexpensive one from Amazon for nights out. I was super impressed by the quality! This travel pillow! I’m a side sleeper, so this was a literal dream come true for the plane Melatonin. I tested out some melatonin before our trip to see if it would help me sleep on the plane. Usually I’m too anxious and toss and turn. I CRASHED OUT. It was everything! Obviously talk with your doctor before taking new new supplements, but this is the first time I haven’t been jet-lagged; it helped me reset my circadian rhythm. You can use FITNESSISTA10 here. Toiletries, especially my Oliveda face cream, eye care goodies, tinted SPF, and makeup I have another post planned soon with weird things I bring on vacation 😉 Also, it’s worth mentioning that Rent the Runway is SO worth it for trips. I love using it to try new brands – I’ll often end up buying the things I love – and I feel like it’s a sustainable way to rotate through a lot of pieces. You can use my referral link for 30% off your first month. Have a wonderful day and I’ll see ya soon! xoxo Gina The post Spain Summer Packing list appeared first on The Fitnessista. via The Fitnessista https://ift.tt/EbDZhav July 10, 2024 at 06:21AM

#The Fitnessista

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flowergrownbeyondthestone · 10 months ago

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It turns out that with enough caffeine in my system I can make it through most of the day without absolutely dying, so that’s something. I’m realizing this blog or whatever it is, is becoming more and more like a diary, but hey, why not I guess! I’ve slept not great once again, including very creepy dreams about chasing huge spiders across the room and a hot actress who turned out to be a serial killer. What the hell is going on with my brain? I really miss being able to sleep normally and even medicine doesn’t fully solve that issue. I also miss being able to fall asleep cuddled up to you (yes, you, reading it, if you still do, hah). It was like the ultimate level of safety and comfort. Meep. Oh well, I have to settle for the plushies, better than nothing. Either way, random stuff aside, yesterday I didn’t even have enough energy to include all the details of my wonderful day, such as trying to call the psychiatrists with a referral for the adhd assessment. Had a lovely experience being told that currently the waiting time is several YEARS. UH. Nevermind then I guess. I’ll have to think about whether I feel like it’s worth it to pay for a private assessment with polish doctors, but due to my current general lack of options I’ve had to consider where to go from here. Now I have a talk with a psychologist scheduled for next week, since their whole clinic focuses on working with neurodivergent people and she’s audhd I’m hoping that it will at least be a better experience than everything I’ve gone through so far. It is just a consultation since I feel like I’ve hit a point where I don’t quite know how to address any of the practical issues in my life and hope that there is something that can be done to contribute to a better standard of living. Of course nobody can just hand me a solution, but again, I don’t exactly feel like I’m ready to make any major life changes in regards to work or other related things, so I need to start somewhere. My wallet will cry but hopefully I won’t. I could have just gone the other route and tried to find someone here with the referral I got, but I genuinely don’t have the courage or trust in just choosing a random person and hoping that somehow they will be the right one, at least not with my already limited trust towards therapists due to my past experiences. There are absolutely good ones out there, but I really want to increase my chances of finding the right one, even if that means becoming a bit more poor. All in all despite still being very tired it’s been a better day, I only need to get through work tomorrow and then I can recharge in any way I need, so that definitely makes me happy. Things might not be perfect, but it’s also a relief to know and see that now even if I have a worse moment it’s very much temporary and in many cases just letting myself cry makes everything feel so much lighter. I don’t get stuck in a slump of depression, I don’t go down a self hate spiral. Of course I’d want many things to be better and easier, I do hope they eventually will, but it’s still a big improvement from… well, majority of my life in past

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wosofanstuff · 1 year ago

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Hey, your probably sleeping right now, or you're awake very early. I just wanted to drop by and ask how your doing and what you're up to 🫶

I'm mostly catching up on sleep, washing clothes, going to the doctor that trip was so useless I swear to god, could have figured all of that out myself, the only thing that I could not have done is writing that referral and preparing for my Denmark trip this weekend, yes im going to a certain game, as well as getting everything for my third semester back to the city shit I’m really 1/3 done🤯

Also have you got any info on when your moving yet?

Hope you’re having an amazing day🫶

🩻

Nah, I’m not up that early (like I would say it’s early enough right now). I’m somewhat tired and definitely hate the fact that that my host family left, so I have to deal with the animals/demons myself

But the new volunteer arrived yesterday, so today will be his first day which is fun

That sounds like a productive day for you, still so jealous that you go to that game. Still need to figure out if and how to watch it

That’s actually crazy only 2/3 to go 🥳

He is still in talks with a family, I think he will go meet them today so that they actually agree to it. But then they would need time to prep everything. But I’m gone next week either way, so I’m hopeful I might be able to move by next weekend 🤞🏼

Thank you and you too 🤍🫶🏼

#anon 🩻

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the-hard-days · 2 years ago

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The next few days

The sonographer (A sonographer performs specialised diagnostic examinations using high frequency ultrasound - https://ahpa.com.au/allied-health-professions/sonography) told me she couldn't see what she would like to see and asked me to empty my bladder so we could do an internal ultrasound instead. At this time I already knew something wasn't right, as I should have been 9, nearly 10 weeks along, and should have been able to see a heartbeat and at least some features of a foetus, and I knew I wasn't looking at my baby. She measured and told us it looked like it was only 5 weeks 5 days. I could start to feel my heartbeat in my head and knew I wasn't going to be hearing any good news from here on out.

We were told we could just be really early, and the pregnancy tests taken were just taken too soon, but I'm sure the sonographer's are told not to panic their patients, but something in me knew.

I called my mum and a couple of my friends, and told them our baby hadn't grown for a month, and we weren't going to parents.

I've never felt heartbreak like that before, and I don't think I ever well again.

We cried together for a long time, and I think there will be days, probably many years in the future when I'll still cry about that day. I don't think it's something you can forget no matter how bad you want to.

The scans were sent to my GP (General Practitioner), and I was to make an appointment to get referrals for blood tests and to the early pregnancy loss clinic at our local hospital. I was able to get an appointment with my doctor the next day (whom I love dearly, even though she doesn't know it) and ordered some blood tests for the next day. We had a conversation on what to expect, which was honestly awful and one of the worst experiences of my life. Basically, the embryo had died more than a month ago, and my body didn't know it, making it a missed miscarriage.

That night was pretty awful. I dosed myself up (with permission from my doctor with prescribed medication) and hoped I could just sleep the night away, I woke up at 4am in bed with Luke, and couldn't help but sob for another hour or so, until I eventually fell asleep again.

We went and got my blood tests done, and I told myself I wasn't going to cry as I knew the nurse would have to ask me some rough questions about why I was getting my bloods done. These tests were put through as urgent, and had our results the next day.

I got a call from the doctor from the early loss clinic, and was told my pregnancy hormones were still elevated and they weren't willing to get me into surgery as this was a wanted pregnancy. So this meant more waiting. Not waiting for good news, or a miracle, but was sent home to wait for a miscarriage in the meantime, or 10 days for more tests and scans and then surgery if the embryo hadn't grown in 10 days.

My scan was on Wednesday, 12th of April, blood results back on the 14th of April, and would have to wait until at least the 24th for any more news.

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gothhabiba · 2 years ago

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Okay. There are accommodations. Let’s say the terms of them are that you must get a letter from a specialist saying that you have a qualifying condition or difficulty. Great. So you go to your GP to get a referral to a specialist. Maybe getting to your GP is physically taxing or expensive. Maybe it’s impossible because you’re immunocompromised and no one even wears masks in doctor’s offices anymore.

Maybe you can get a remote appointment and maybe you can’t. Maybe the appointment takes weeks to get. I hope you’re keeping an eye on that deadline! Maybe the appointment itself costs money you don’t really have. But at least now you have it.

Okay. So now you need to get your GP to agree that you need to see a specialist. Your GP says that actually, first, they’re going to ask you to drink more water every day and come back later and see if that wasn’t the problem.

Okay. Appointment number 2. Drinking more water did not fix the problem (or waiting, or ibuprofen, or physical therapy, or whatever). So now you get the referral?

No. Now you need a blood test, to rule out that it’s caused by a vitamin deficiency. Appointments 3 and 4 are to draw blood and discuss the results. And congratulations! You’re deficient in vitamin B whatever. So now you need a supplement. Obviously you’ll need to be taking that for six months and then come back for another appointment to see if that hasn’t fixed the issue. Oh, the deadline will have passed by then? Idk, I guess apply next year?

Congratulations! It’s been six months and you’re no longer vitamin-deficient or dehydrated and you’re still disabled. NOW you get your referral to a specialist! So you take your referral and you call the specialist they referred you to—

And they refuse to see you. They don’t tell you why, they just don’t think you really need to see a specialist. Idk, maybe figure it out yourself? Okay. So you call a different specialist who was also recommended to you—they’re not accepting new patients. OKAY!

So you call a different specialist—by the way, I hope you have a whole bunch of rheumatologists (or gastroenterologists, or neurologists &c.) in your immediate area, or else moving your search further and further afield could make transport expensive!

This specialist has this thing where they don’t answer the phone—you leave a message and they call back. Okay. But when they call back weeks later, you don’t get to the phone in time. You’re sleeping or in another room (and, remember, disabled). So you have to call and leave another message and just kind of hope that you’re at the phone when they call you back the NEXT time. By this point it’s been about a year.

But you finally get in to see a specialist! They listen to your symptoms and say “yeah, that shouldn’t be happening.” They’re going to try a course of treatment (btw, if it doesn’t work, you’re going to have to go somewhere ELSE, because mostly doctors only want to try one thing). But in the meantime you have your ✨letter from a specialist✨ [sound of choir hitting C major chord].

I hope you had the time, energy, access, and money to do all of that! If you didn’t I guess you’re just not applying for that thing after all.

Okay. You submit your letter from a specialist along with your description of the condition and your notes about how you anticipate it affecting your studies or work and what accommodations you will need and whatever else the form asks for. You get a call from someone who works at the institution in question and they talk over what you need and they say that you can get x, y, and z accommodations.

And now you have a special form with your name on it that will be sent to all relevant parties! And they'll know what you need and they'll have to give it to you! You have 🌟accommodations🌟 [sound of choir hitting a sick F minor 7 add 9 add 13 chord]. So now we’re done! And everything is smooth sailing from here on out!

Oh. Oh you little baby. Oh you sweet summer child.

Actually, the department dealing with accommodations is like four different departments that don’t communicate with each other. So somehow no one got you a badge to be able to access the ground-floor entrance of the building you need to be in (because, yep! It is *locked*!)

So you miss the first class or training or whatever, and you need to send a bunch of emails to do damage control about that AND get your badge. Who knows how long it’ll take someone to get that to you—I hope you don’t miss another day!

Sometime later, you contact your accommodations liaison and say “hey, can I get accommodation y that you said would be a possibility?” And they say. Huh. I don’t know where the budget for that would come from? And you’re thinking... well, isn’t that your job? To help me get the accommodations I need?

Nope! Their job is to help the institution not get sued without shelling out for every accommodation someone asks for by denying you everything they think they can get away with. So to get that aid worker, or ergonomic chair, or extra laptop, or extra computer application, you’re going to need to fight for it. Gee, I sure hope you’re not too exhausted from the last year of running this rat race, + the actual tasks of your job/degree, to do that!

Okay, well, still. You can get along without that thing as long as you're willing to run your health into the ground. Surely everyone has been sent your 🌟accommodation form🌟 and surely everyone has read it, so you should at least get the things specified on that.

Except someone forgot to send those out, so now a room you’re supposed to be in is up stairs / has no accessible bathroom nearby / no interpreter has been hired / whatever it is. You’re asked if you can't try to get by without the accommodation? No alternative is offered. So you have to suck it up and struggle through this thing, or change to something else... if you don’t quit or drop out.

Let's say you pass that hurdle. Now something new has come up—you're cited for not doing [thing you can't do]. Maybe it was something that your 🌟accommodation form🌟 specified that you couldn't do, and maybe it's something that you forgot to mention.

Either way, you contact your liaison at the disability office. But be careful! The more ‘difficult’ you are, the less they’re willing to accommodate you... but the less difficult you are, the less you get accommodated... can you say “catch 22”?

Sometime later you have to do something new, at a different site. You’re told that everyone there knows you’re coming and will have a place for you to sit down. But no one told you that you would have to walk a mile to get there... “can’t walk long distances” was in your form! And when you get there you find that actually no one knew you were coming and no one knows what you need. No sight of the promised chair (bathroom / interpreter / &c.).

I guess you’d better not raise a fuss? But isn’t this getting ridiculous? So you email your liaison... and they are decidedly terse with you. Without them on your side things are only going to get harder now!

Okay. Okay. Your supervisor / professer / whatever sends an email. Everyone is going to get together and do [thing you can’t do]. Well you’ve learned your lesson now so you’re not going to contact your liaison—if they’re not going to share the information they should, maybe you can do it yourself?

So you email your superior and say “I can’t do x, which is outlined in my form!” They email back and maybe they’re apologetic and maybe they’re rude but it’s whatever. You take some measure to circumvent the thing you can’t do.

Now you scope out every single building before events in that building and send emails directly to that department asking about accessibility. But in the course of trying to get accommodations directly instead of relying on your superiors and the disability office to communicate with each other—someone copied in the disability office. Now your liaison hates you!

Have you dropped out yet? No? Okay.

Now you come across another requirement for the degree or the job that is another thing you can’t do or can do only with extreme difficulty and/or pain. And you’re thinking well, here we go again.

You know your options are 1. drop out 2. suck it up or find an alternative on your own 3. bring it up with the organiser of the thing 4. bring it up with your disability liaison (who is only becoming more and more rude to you)—and 2, 3, and 4 require energy that is so hopelessly drained by now.

You’re not able to focus on the thing you’re supposed to be doing because every separate activity has new forms to fill out and get approved, which requires time, energy, the eloquence to make your case, and for other people to afford you grace—by the way I hope you’ve maintained optimism, a sunny disposition, and endless patience and kindness through all of this, especially if, god help you, you’re a woman and/or of colour! Or else they’re not going to do that.

Throughout this time accommodations have been withheld as a cost-saving measure or to try to push the most disabled out of the program or else in order to punish you for being difficult, and you’re never sure which one. Your liaison and supervisors have told people about your disability who had no reason to have to know without your approval, which is illegal, but you can’t raise a fuss without risking more retaliation.

Intermittently the elevator in your building has been going out and you don’t know beforehand why it's out or how long it will be out for. You’re not informed about scheduled maintenance. So over the course of months you’ve been effectively trapped in places for hours. You haven't been able to pursue treatment for your actual health condition (which is a whole different byzantine nightmare) because the process of getting accommodations is so arduous.

You’re exhausted, you’re feeling angry, bitter, hopeless, abandoned, you’re experiencing the worst health of your life, physically and/or mentally. You’re not sure how much longer you can keep doing this.

So you’re struggling to figure out what to do and you try to vent to one of your peers. You’re not going to be able to do x! You’re disabled!

Oh! your peer says, politely surprised. But don’t they have accommodations for that?

Part of the point of institutions having “accommodations” for disabled people is appeasement—in addition to vetting (i.e., setting the requirements to get accommodations lets you decide who is ‘really’ disabled). It takes up disabled people’s time and energy trying to navigate all of these byzantine structures and institutions that don’t seem to communicate with each other—while making ‘abled’ people assume that “disabled ppl get accommodations, so nothing is wrong.”

If someone raises a concern that such and such a policy is ableist or eugenicist in who it (clearly, deliberately) pushes out of a program, the answer is a cavalier or even hostile “well obviously there are accommodations”

#ableism #long post /#mine

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yourmidnightlover · 3 years ago

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all my fault

Request: spencer and y/n are married, and they’ve been trying to have kids, and then she finds out she’s pregnant. a few weeks into the pregnancy, she has a miscarriage, and at the hospital the doctor said it’s bc she had an abortion as a teenager, and it fucked up her it yet us. spencer didn’t know she had an abortion, and blames her for the death of the baby, and they end up sleeping separately for a while and they have to grieve by themselves. spencer ends up talking to emily about it bc of her experience and it has a comforting ending!

Summary: when reader has a miscarriage after trying to have a baby with spencer, and things about her past are revealed and leaves things rocky within their relationship.

CW: miscarriage, pregnancy, mention of abortion, spencer’s rly harsh at first, teenage pregnancy, mentions of surgery, a cervix condition that i kinda made up, depressive thoughts, negative self-worth, HAPPY ENDING. *please let me know if i’ve missed anything*

A/N: i’ve been working on coming up with a series, which i posted last thursday! i’m sorry i haven’t been as consistent with my schedule, this summer has really taken a toll on my mental health and school is about to start back up. i promise i’m not quitting writing, but my writing might become a bit more sporadic in terms of my posting schedule. i’m still not sure if i like how i’ve executed this piece, so please let me know what you think!

IMPORTANT A/N: this contains serious topics centered around pregnancy and abortion. reader end up blaming herself and it is a very triggering subject to some. if you aren’t comfortable with those kinds of depressive thoughts PLEASE DONT READ. i don’t want anyone to be triggered by my writing. your mental health matters. you matter. do not read if your sensitive to the subject matter, please!

———————————————————————

when you and spencer checked the third pregnancy test and saw those two, very clear lines on the stick, you felt an unbelievable amount of joy.

“oh my god,” you clamped your hand over your mouth, your eyes welling with tears.

“y/n…” he held his breath, holding your free hand with both of his own.

“you’re gonna be a dad,” you huffed out a laugh as his arms flew around you.

“and you’re gonna be a mom! we’re gonna have our own little family,” he cheered as he breathed in your scent, elated from the news he had hoped for since you said ‘i do.’

spencer had wanted to be a father since he met henry, you remember how attached he was to the child who wasn’t even his own. you hadn’t always wanted children, only when you were absolutely ready for them. now, you were more than ready.

your arms flew around spencer’s neck as his went around your waist. he dropped to his knees and began pressing kisses against a bump that wasn’t even visible yet, praising you and your body for carrying his child.

because it was so hard for you to get pregnant, spencer decided to baby you every chance he got. you didn’t do the dishes or sweep, you weren’t allowed to reach for high shelves or even step on a chair to do so. he was worried about you and the baby, so you let him. you found it endearing.

the perfect man that you married was so worried about the little bean inside of you, worried for your safety, that it drove him a bit mad. who were you to complain? each time he’d do one of the new little quirks like not letting you lift anything above 10 pounds, you just smiled to yourself and brushed it off.

being pregnant was something that you had lost hope for, in all honesty. spencer had been talking to a few friends who had adopted children prior to finding out you were pregnant. if this hadn’t worked out, the two of you were going to look into adoption.

spencer had planned your doctors appointment for 6 weeks after your last period. the appointment was in three days. and then the perfect outline you had for your future went down in crumbles.

you had been having pains in your lower abdomen, and you figured it was just because you were pregnant. you went to the bathroom like you normally would when you felt queasy, kneeling by the toilet in preparation for what was to come. only nothing came.

you decided to just go pee and get back to bed. there was a pain that wasn’t like you’d felt before when you were peeing, like someone had been pulling your intestines out of your body. when you looked down, you felt your stomach drop.

“spencer!” you cried out. “spencer, hurry!” you felt tears well in your eyes until he ran up beside you. his hand was on your thigh as the other one was trying to steady your shaking hand.

“what is… oh,” he looked in the toilet to see blood inside of it.

“spencer… what happened? i don’t know what happened. everything was doing so well and the baby-we just found out and now they’re-wh-what’s gonna happen?” you rambled out, unsure of how something this horrific happened so quickly.

“i-i don’t know, my love,” he pressed a kiss to your forehead. “i don’t know. but we’ll go to the hospital right now, okay? we’ll get answers.”

you just nodded. you couldn’t speak anymore. you felt your throat closing in on yourself. you cleaned yourself up and got dressed. even looking in the mirror with spencer’s arms around you, you didn’t feel anything but guilt and worry.

spencer’s touch would usually be something to ease your mind and take away the thoughts of everything else around you. only this was something wrong inside of you. you were the problem this time. and you didn’t think anything could fix this feeling.

“let’s get to the hospital, yea?” you nodded as he held onto your hand, trying to ground you to himself as he guided you to the car.

you were silent the entire drive to the doctor. there was nothing to say. there was nothing to do. there was just… nothing. you were numb.

“hey,” he spoke up, “we don’t know what happened yet. there’s a chance it’s just a fluke, right? the baby might be okay.”

“what’re the statistics, spencer? tell them to me,” you ordered as tears flowed from your eyes.

“y/n…”

“tell me! why don’t you want me to know?!” you accused him, looking over at the man driving as he but his lower lip. “1 in 4 women who experience bleeding during a pregnancy are fine. 25 percent. the other 75 percent of people have either a miscarriage or serious complications. those are the statistics.”

“y/n…” he sighed, “it’s not your fault. you didn’t want this to happen. besides, there’s still a 25 percent chance that nothings wrong.”

“whatever,” you rolled your eyes and opted to look out of the window for the remainder of the drive to the hospital.

“alright,” the doctor entered the room. “we have the results from the test and we’ve examined the ultrasound pictures. i’m so sorry, but you’ve had a miscarriage.”

what were you supposed to feel? an overwhelming sense of sorrow? like a failure? like the one thing you wanted most in the world fell through?

“how-how did this happen?” you spoke through the tears. “we were so-we were careful. i didn’t lift heavy objects, i didn’t do repetitive motions, i just… we tried so hard to make this work,” you shook your head in disapproval, as if you wouldn’t accept the answer that had already been proven to you.

“there’s proof of an abortion when you were a teenager. there was severe damage done to your cervix that wasn’t assessed pre-pregnancy. now, we can repair the damage within the next two months, but it will still be difficult to become pregnant after the surgery,” the female informed you.

“then what’s the point of getting the surgery?” you scoffed, looking at spencer who was just staring off in space.

“while getting pregnant will still be difficult, maintaining the pregnancy is much more likely. the fetus would be more protected and secure after the surgery,” she explained with a pitiful smile, you couldn’t help but wonder how she could smile after giving you the worst news of your life.

“right,” you nodded curtly, allowing her to sense the mood of the conversation.

“i’ll leave you two be. i’m so sorry for your loss,” she gave the both of you a pitiful smile before exiting the room, the only sound audible being the closing of the door.

it didn’t feel real. it felt as though you were in a nightmare. only this time, you wouldn’t wake in spencer’s comforting arms. you wouldn’t hear the soft soothing voice of the man you love trying to calm you down. you wouldn’t feel the solace he would provide by merely being himself in your proximity.

the drive home was eerily quiet. there was an inkling of animosity between you. looking over at spencer in the driver’s seat, he had a dead look on his face, the only sign of previous emotion being his red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks. he didn’t even look like your spencer. he looked like a stranger in the drivers seat with a cold expression that you could barely read.

you knew this was something you should talk about. when the nurse came back in the room it was only to offer a few referrals go therapists that specialized in this kind of grief. clearly, any couple should talk about losing an unborn baby. but you knew that’s not what spencer was truly upset about.

you waited until you shut the door to your apartment before saying anything.

“maybe we should talk about it?” you whispered, not knowing how he’d react.

“about what? the fact that you’ve lied to me for our entire relationship?!” he wouldn’t even turn around to face you. “i thought we were in this together, y/n. we aren’t supposed to keep secrets from each other - especially not any that just killed our child!”

“hey…” you winced at his words. “why would you say that?”

“that’s the truth! your choices when you were a teenager just killed our child! my child!” he finally turned to face you, and you wished he hadn’t.

“do you think i knew they would botch my abortion, spencer?! do you think that’s what i wanted?!” you stepped closer to him, he sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“i don’t know what you want anymore, y/n,” he shook his head, clearly exasperated.

“i want you. i want to get the surgery to fix my cervix. i want to grieve our child. i still want kids… with you, spencer,” you tried to ease the mood, calm him down. you reached your hand out to cup his cheek before he dodged your touch, afraid of touching you. “but you don’t want that?” you whispered so quiet, too afraid of the answer to raise your voice.

“i-“ he sighed and bit his lower lip. “i don’t know.”

“right. of course you don’t,” you shook your head before sitting on the couch, dropping your face in your hands.

“what’s that supposed to mean?” he scoffed as he took off his coat.

“it means that: of course, you’re making this about you! it can’t be about us grieving our loss together like the doctor recommended?!” you peeked between your hands at the man you still didn’t recognize.

“maybe we shouldn’t grieve together since we can’t even have a conversation without getting angry at one another,” he tried to reason.

“the only reason i’m getting mad is because you’re blaming me for my baby’s death,” you spat back at the doctor before you.

“because it’s your fault!” he stood strong in his belief. “when you were a teenager, did you or did you not have an abortion?”

“i did,” you admitted.

“and the nurse said that in said abortion, they screwed your cervix up! if you didn’t have that abortion, our child would still be alive! we would be on our way to become happy parents!” he accused, rubbing salt in the already stinging wound. “it’s your fucking fault!”

“stop saying that,” you shook your head and dropped it back in your hands, trying to hide the tears that began to flow down your face.

“it is, y/n! i can’t believe you’re even trying to say this isn’t!” he chuckled, clearly getting under your skin.

“shut up, spencer!”

“i can’t, y/n!” he sat in the chair across from you before standing back up, too hyper to sit. “no wonder it was so hard for you to get pregnant.”

“spencer,” you begged him to stop, meeting his face with your teary eyes.

“y/n,” he stared you in the eyes, and you saw a glimpse of the man you loved for a second before he retreated to the bedroom.

you sat on the couch in confusion of what had just occurred.

when you were 15, you’re boyfriend was adamant about taking your relationship “to the next step.” you didn’t think you were ready to have sex, but you wanted him to stay with you. so, you gave in. it just so happened to be that you were one of the lucky girls that ends up getting pregnant her first time in spite of birth control and a condom. you couldn’t tell your mom about your pregnancy, she’d have your head on a pole.

so, you earned enough money from your job to get an abortion yourself. you went to a clinic and had your boyfriend’s mom come with you to sign as your guardian. was it smart to get an abortion that cheap? probably not. but you had no other choice. your mom had made it abundantly clear that if she caught you fooling around with him that she’d kick you out.

you were 15. you were young and still had to finish high school. there was no support system for you. you would’ve been on the streets with a little baby - not to mention the amount of debt you’d go into for just giving birth to a child in a hospital. it was the only choice.

and now you were being berated for making the only choice you even had - and by the person you loved most in the world.

you curled into yourself on the couch, laying your head on the arm and crying into the fabric. you released all of the tension and turmoil. you held onto the cushions as if it were the man that you wanted - no, needed to comfort you. because as much as you’d hate to admit it and try to fight those thoughts, part of you thought that spencer was right. it was your fault.

you fell asleep on the couch that night. you didn’t have the strength to get up to grab a blanket so you just sucked it up.

spencer didn’t sleep at all. he was used to having you curled into his chest, or himself on yours. he felt terrible about how he had talked to you, but he was too stubborn to admit anything just yet.

in the middle of the night he went out of the room to grab a glass of water. he saw you curled up in a ball, you head resting on the arm of the couch as you slept. it was the most peaceful you looked in the past 24 hours. but you began shivering as you slept. you were probably too exhausted to get up to do anything.

he went to the hall closet on a detour and grabbed your favorite, soft blanket and laid it on top of your body. after placing a soft kiss on your forehead, he went into the kitchen and made his glass of water before taking one more glance at you. you had snuggled into the blanket, pulling it up to your chin with a gentle smile that always appeared when he kissed your forehead as you slept.

maybe he didn’t screw up too badly, after all.

the next few days were spent avoiding one another. spencer couldn’t face you after knowing you had kept something so dire from him for the entirety of your relationship. you couldn’t face him after he made you feel as though it was your fault you lost your baby.

you would stay on the couch all day, barely eating or drinking anything while spencer would go out - only mentioning the library or the office to do more paperwork. eventually he just started sleeping at morgan’s house - probably because he couldn’t stand being around you.

you didn’t know how to grieve your baby, you were hoping that spencer might help, but that clearly won’t be happening. on top of that, you were worrying about your marriage. he couldn’t even look at you, how was he supposed to talk to you and sleep beside you?

a lot of times, it’s perceived that the only reason women were put on this planet were to have children - of course that’s a false notion, but it didn’t make it sting any less. your body had betrayed you. you had betrayed yourself.

it was only 12 days after spencer left when he came back home, if he could call it that anymore. once he walked into the living room, he saw you curled up in that same position on the couch. you had a blank stare that was directed towards the black tv. the only evidence that you were doing something was the empty water bottles surrounding you - certainly not enough considering he’d been gone for over a week.

when he entered you didn’t even flinch. your gaze stayed on the empty screen and your face remained vacant of any emotion.

in all honesty, morgan was the one to tell spencer he should check on you. spencer hadn’t told him everything about your argument, he knew he was in the wrong. but he was just so angry. regardless, he was here now, and it’s a good thing he was.

you hadn’t been taking care of yourself. spencer had morgan and savannah checking on him, but you had nobody. he only realized this when morgan pointed it out. and as upset as he was, spencer would always love you. your expressionless face only worried him more. your clothes had been changed from when he last saw you, but he doubts you’ve had a shower.

he stayed silent as he began picking up the empty water bottles from around the table and couch. you looked at him quizzically with furrowed brows.

“what’re you doing?” you asked, your chin already quivering as tears threatened to stream down your face.

“i’m trying to help,” he whispered as sensitively as he could, making eye contact with the most pitiful face you’d ever seen.

“i think you’ve helped enough,” you rolled your eyes before resuming your serious stare-down with the television. “you can leave.”

“no, i can’t,” he replied, sitting down on the opposite end of the couch while being sure not to touch you - he didn’t know if you were ready for that.

“you already did,” you brought to his attention, briefly looking at him. “just go.”

“y/n, i-“

“i don’t want to hear it! what’re you gonna say that could make me feel worse, spencer?!” you let the tears fall past your waterline. “i know it’s my fault. i know i screwed up! and i’m sorry! i’m so sorry!” you replied with far too much sincerity, the tears streaming down your face before he scooted closer to you, planning on wrapping his arms around you. “stop! don’t come near me!” you pushed his shoulders away. “it’s my fault,” you lowered your voice significantly before wrapping your arms around yourself.

he had called emily as soon as he got back into the bedroom. he knew she had previously had an abortion when she was a teenager, and he just needed to hear her side of it. part of him didn’t even expect her to pick up the phone.

“reid, what’s wrong?” she immediately answered.

“i-i think i need to talk to you,” he whispered in a hushed tone.

“right now?” she asked in a mildly concerned tone.

“if you can? the sooner the better,” he answered honestly.

“alright. you want to meet somewhere or just come over?”

“can i just come over? it’s really personal and i wasn’t sure who else to go to,” he began tying his shoes and hoping she’d agree.

“of course, come on over,” she replied in a worried voice.

“ok. i’ll be there in twenty.”

he quietly left the apartment, not before sparing you a regretful glance. he lost his child, but you also lost your child as well. he just couldn’t control his anger. and partially, he thought he was right.

how could you not have told him about something so serious? the second you had began having issues getting pregnant, maybe you should’ve been open about previous pregnancies.

“hey,” emily greeted before giving him a hug after seeing his teary eyes. “come inside.”

“thanks,” he sniffled before stepping into her apartment.

she guided him into her living room and sat down on the couch beside him. they sat there for a few silent minutes before he was able to work up enough courage.

“y/n was pregnant,” he whispered, barely audible if she weren’t right beside him.

“was,” she pointed out, already feeling as though she knew the rest of the story.

“she uhm-she miscarried two weeks ago,” he somberly admitted for the first time to someone else. “the doctor said it was because she had an abortion when she was a teenager that somehow ruined her cervix.”

“and that’s why you felt like you needed to talk to me?” she gathered, she was a great profiler for a reason but this was far more obvious.

“i was pretty harsh. i-i told her it was her fault,” he bit his lower lip as he grimaced. “i really rubbed it in, too.”

“spencer… “ she sighed, taking a deep breath before continuing. “you’re mourning a life, right now. obviously, that would raise tensions and emotions would be heightened. but… have you apologized? for telling her it was her fault?”

“no?” he replied after thinking about it. “i was going to do that today but she’s… she’s not in good shape. i’m not saying she needs to be perfect, but while i was at derek’s i can tell she didn’t take care of herself. she barely drank any water.”

“did you ask her why she had an abortion? why she didn’t tell you? did you ask her anything about how she’s feeling?” emily asked once more.

“no,” he cowered down, feeling even worse about the truthful answer. “i was just… selfish. i didn’t think about how she’s feeling. i just-i feel so bad now, seeing what state she’s in.”

“when i got an abortion it was because i wasn’t ready for a child,” she began to inform him. “i was a child, myself. how was a child supposed to take care of another one? my mother would’ve been disgraced. i basically had nobody there for me. i kept it a secret because having an abortion is so controversial. i knew people would look at me differently for making a responsible decision for my future.”

“god, i feel so bad,” he began to tear up himself. “i love her so much and i told her these horrible things.”

“make it right, spencer,” she gave him a supportive smile and pat his thigh before he stood up.

“i-i have to go,” he wiped the tears from his face before giving emily a hug, grateful she would listen to him at such an ungodly hour.

he quickly drove back home, where he decidedly belonged in the first place. he never should’ve left home. he never should’ve left you. you were his home, and he didn’t know how he could possibly lose sight of that.

“y/n,” he cooed as he entered the apartment once more. it was noticeably a bit more clean. the trash was taken out, the dishes were done, and your hair was wet from a shower - he assumed. “hey,” he smiled when he saw you sitting on the bed, cheeks still red and tear-stained with red, puffy eyes.

“hi,” you sighed as you brushed your hair, spencer sat down beside you.

“how’re you feeling?” you shrugged. “i need to apologize to you,” he admitted, placing a hand on your thigh. “i’m so, so sorry for what i said. telling you that it’s your fault that we lost our child… i-there’s no excuse. i was clearly upset, but so were you. what i said was so out of line, and i’ll never be able to express how sorry i am to you.”

“you’re right,” you shrugged. “it was my fault.”

“no,” he rubbed his thumb on your skin. “it was not your fault. i’m so sorry i made you believe that.”

“when i was 15 my boyfriend at the time pressured me to have sex. we used a condom and i was in birth control but i still-i still ended up pregnant,” you began, taking a deep breath before continuing. “i couldn’t tell my mom because she would’ve kicked me out, so i saved up some money and had his mom take me to a cheap clinic. she signed as my mom and i got the procedure done. that was the end of it,” you finished tears streaming down your face. “a few weeks after the procedure i started having pains in like my lower back, but i didn’t think anything of it. so… it is my fault. i shouldn’t have gone to a cheap clinic, but i couldn’t live on the streets with a baby and no way to clothe or feed them.”

“y/n,” he got your attention, wiping the tears from your cheeks. “you were a teenager who had no other choice, love. it’s not your fault, it’s the clinic’s.”

“i just… it hurts so bad, spencer,” you shook your head in defeat before he wrapped his arms around you. “not even just emotionally, my body physically hurts so bad. i don’t know what to do and i thought i lost you and i didn’t know what i would do without you because i didn’t think you loved me anymore because it’s my fault,” you ranted out, sobbing into his shoulder before he moved the two of you around the bed to lay down, you on his chest.

“i’m so sorry you had to go through that, and that you’re still dealing with the repercussions,” he pressed a kiss to your forehead. “but know that i’m not leaving you. i love you and nothing will ever change that.”

“there’s nothing we can do now,” you whined, clutching to his shirt as if he’d disappear once more.

“we can go to the recommended therapy. we can get that surgery to fix your cervix,” he reminded you, rubbing circles onto your back as you sniffled. “then, if you’d like, we could try again for a baby.”

“so you still want to be with me?” you whispered by his ear, clearly worried of the answer.

“of course i do,” he said as if there were no other option; there wasn’t. “i’m so, so sorry, love.”

“the reason i didn’t tell you is because,” you sighed as you shuffled on top of spencer, now sitting on his lap and facing him. “because there’s this stigma that comes with having an abortion - and i didn’t know how you’d react. i also didn’t know it didn’t go well in the first place, but that’s a different story,” you chuckled. “i’m sorry. i should’ve told you about something so serious.”

“you don’t have to apologize,” he brushed a strand of hair from your face. “that was from your past. this is our future, we shouldn’t get caught up on it and allow it to ruin this.”

you nodded, “you’re right. are-are you staying here, now? or are you going back to derek’s?” there was an obvious look of hope in your eye that spencer never planned on squashing.

“i’m staying here,” he smiled. “home. you’re my home.”

“you’re so cheesy,” you rolled your eyes as a laugh left your lips.

“i’ve missed your smile,” he pressed a kiss to those very lips, your smile not going away but growing even bigger.

“i’ve missed you,” you pointed at his chest. “please don’t leave again.”

“i won’t. ever again,” you held your pinky out, he smiled and wrapped his own around it. “i’m so sorry.”

“we’ll work at it,” you sighed. “we’ll build back the trust and fix my stupid cervix and then maybe try again for a baby.”

over the next few months spencer and you had been going to therapy once a week, mourning the loss of your baby and working through your other issues.

five months after you found out about the miscarriage, you had the surgery to fix your cervix.

one year after you fixed your cervix you and spencer began talking about having a child. you were extremely nervous, rightfully so. you voiced your concerns to spencer about what if the surgery didn’t work? what if your cervix wasn’t the only issue? and he replied by reminding you that you would both take this one step at a time.

seven months after having the conversation with spencer about having children, a miracle had caught up to you.

you were pregnant.

taglist:

@averyhotchner

@greenprisca

@muffin-cup

@spenxerslut

@spencerreid9

@spencyreidpls

@spencerreid9

@spencersmagic

@calm-and-doctor

@the-local-pendeja

@spencersrose

@spencersmagic

@shemarmooresfedora

@pastelbabygirl19

if you’d like to be added to the taglist, please don’t hesitate to message me or leave a comment!

#tw pregnancy #tw miscarriage #tw abortion #tw abortion mention #tw depressive thoughts #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid #spencer #spencer reid angst #spencer reid comfort

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extasiswings · 3 years ago

Note

“I felt it shelter to speak to you.” for Buddie

This was...not supposed to be this long but all the recent promo content has been...inspiring. Anyway...on ao3 here.

The first attack happens on a Saturday afternoon.

There’s nothing special about the day, nothing strange. Christopher is at a friend’s birthday party, Buck is off somewhere with Taylor, and Eddie is grocery shopping before he’s meant to meet Ana for an early dinner.

His shoulder aches a little—that’s what he notices first—but that’s not too unusual. It happens sometimes. Even as physical therapy has helped him regain strength and mobility in his arm and shoulder, a high caliber sniper round ripping through his upper chest is no minor injury. Plus, while he’s hardly ancient, he’s not even as young as he was when he was shot the first time, and those bullets left behind their own patches of scar tissue and occasional twinges.

So. His shoulder aches. It’s fine. He ignores it and moves on. Goes through the store, checks out, put his bags in the backseat—

There’s a glare off a window in the apartment building across the street.

Eddie reaches for the handle of his door.

Suddenly, his fingers start tingling, uncomfortable pricks of icy numbness traveling up his hands like they’ve fallen asleep, but shaking them out doesn’t help. And then, without warning, pain lances through his chest, sharp and acute, and he can’t breathe properly, as if his torso has been trapped in a vise that’s slowly tightening more and more.

His vision swims. He sways on his feet, grasping at the door handle with clumsy, numb fingers to keep himself upright.

He feels like—he feels—

He feels like he’s dying. It strikes him with sudden clarity. He’s dying. Dying in a random parking lot—he always assumed he was too young to have a heart attack but the symptoms fit and he’s just—

He can’t. He can’t die. Not when he’s survived everything else. This can’t be—

“Sir?” There’s a woman with a station wagon parked in the space next to his truck and she’s looking at him with no small amount of concern. “Are you okay?”

Eddie’s mouth is so dry and his breathing so irregular that it takes him a moment to respond.

“I—I think I need to go to the hospital,” he grits out as another wave of dizziness threatens to send him to his knees.

She calls 911. Eddie spares a moment to be grateful that the paramedics who show up a few minutes later aren’t from the 118.

As it turns out, he’s not dying. And he didn’t have a heart attack.

“A panic attack?” Eddie’s voice is distant to his own ears as he stares at the ER doctor in disbelief, his stomach flipping with a new kind of dread. “Are you sure?”

“Your symptoms resolved on their own and your EKG is normal, Mr. Diaz,” she replies as she flicks through the screens of his chart on her tablet. “And nothing in your prior history or other recent tests indicates that there’s anything physically wrong with you—you were healthy before you were shot and your recovery has progressed smoothly up to this point.”

She pauses and looks back at him. “Have you...spoken to a therapist? I noticed that your treating physician made a referral for counseling when you were originally discharged, but…”

Eddie clears his throat roughly. “Yeah, no, I, uh...with the PT schedule and everything else going on, I never followed up with that. But I’ve been fine. It never seemed necessary.”

“With all due respect, Mr. Diaz,” the doctor says, “you’re in the emergency room because of an acute stress response in which your brain tricked your body into believing you were in danger to such an extent that you thought you were dying. I’m not sure you’re as fine as you think.”

There’s probably some truth to that. Eddie can admit that much. But that doesn’t mean he needs—he’s been shot before. He’s been in a warzone. He didn’t need therapy to move forward from it then and he shouldn’t now. He can—he can handle this. He can make himself get over it.

He’s already spent months leaning heavily on everyone around him. The thought of not being okay, of asking for more help when he’s finally easing back into working, when things are finally getting back to normal, when they all have their own issues to focus on—

God, it makes him want to throw up.

So...no. He’s okay. Because not being okay isn’t an option.

He’s fine. The panic attack was...a fluke.

“I appreciate the advice,” Eddie says finally. “I’ll think about it.”

He can tell the doctor doesn’t believe him when her lips thin.

“You know, more likely than not, the panic attacks will keep happening if you do nothing,” she points out. “Ignoring this won’t make it go away.”

“I understand,” Eddie replies. “If that’s all, does that mean I can get out of here?”

The doctor sighs. “Sure.”

Eddie’s phone rings while he’s in an Uber on the way back to his truck. It’s Ana.

He swears under his breath as he sees the time—he hadn’t called anyone, hadn’t wanted the hospital to call anyone either, but that means he’s now late for a date that he doesn’t really want to keep after everything and further doesn’t leave him with any good excuses for his absence except the truth which...he doesn’t really want to admit.

Before the shooting, Carla told him to make sure he was following his heart. And he’s been too exhausted and focused on his recovery to really think too hard about that. But now—

For a moment, Eddie considers it. Telling Ana the truth. Showing her some of the dark, messy, ugly pieces of himself. Being vulnerable.

The very idea makes him recoil. Not because he thinks she would run away necessarily, but because he just...can’t.

He can’t. Not with her.

And if he’s that uncomfortable with the idea of letting in someone he’s been dating for over half a year, if he can’t imagine himself ever actually being comfortable with that...then what the hell is he doing?

He calls her back when he gets to his truck.

“Hey—I’m so sorry, I had a little emergency—yeah, everything’s fine now, but I’m not sure I’m up for going out. Can I meet you at your place? ...okay, great. See you soon.”

He may know even less about ending a relationship than he does about dating in general, but he figures he at least owes it to her to end things in person.

Eddie goes to work on Monday feeling fine. Great, even. He sleeps well the night before, he gets Christopher off to school on time, traffic is light enough that he gets to the station early—

Everything is fine. By all accounts it should be a good day.

At least, that’s what he thinks right up until all of them get different emergency alerts sent to their phones and they find out the city’s systems have been hacked. From that point forward, everything is chaos. Damage control. Twenty-car pile-ups because stoplights are being messed with, an outbreak of animals from the zoo when the electric locks on their enclosures released—

Eddie’s fine though. He’s fine. It’s nothing he can’t handle—in fact, he’s usually great with chaos. He’s focused and sure and capable. Nothing else matters but the work, certainly not himself. When he’s busy, he has no time to think about anything else.

The gradually worsening tension in his shoulders can be ignored. The way he has to clench his hands into fists to keep them from shaking in a way he hasn’t had to do since his earliest days in Afghanistan can be brushed off. He doesn’t have time to think about anything but the jobs in front of him, which means he doesn’t have time to think about his own state.

Brush it off, pick yourself up, keep moving forward. That’s what he knows, that’s what he can do.

Except, then they end up at the hospital and—

A medevac helicopter falls off the roof. Bobby nearly joins it. Buck and Eddie barely manage to get him back.

A cold sweat breaks out on Eddie’s brow as Bobby leans heavily against the wall next to the roof access door to catch his breath. His stomach roils. He doesn’t feel fully connected to his own body, caught somehow between present and past, a rooftop in Los Angeles and a desert in Afghanistan.

He breathes in. He tamps down on the rising panic.

Bobby is fine. The helicopter pilots and their patient are fine.

He’s fine. He’s fine.

“Are you okay?”

Eddie jumps at the question, his head whipping around to find the source. Buck’s brow furrows as he holds up his hands.

“Sorry,” Buck says quietly. “Didn’t mean to startle you.”

Eddie swallows hard and shakes his head. “You’re fine, don’t worry about it.”

He glances toward the door. “You know, I think I’m going to head back down,” he says, hoping Buck won’t notice the fact that he hasn’t answered the original question. “I want to make sure the pilots are holding up alright.”

“I can come—” Buck starts to offer, only for Eddie to cut him off.

“Someone should stay with Bobby,” he replies. He forces a smile as Buck’s eyes search his face. “I’ll be fine.”

Buck glances at Bobby, then back to Eddie before he finally nods.

“Okay,” he says. “But here, take the radio. If anything happens—”

“I’ll let you know.”

Eddie makes it down one flight of stairs before he decides to take the elevator the rest of the way down. The numbers on the top of the doors tick down, down, down—

And then, abruptly, the elevator lurches to a halt, throwing Eddie off balance and into the wall as the lights go out, plunging him into total darkness.

His ears ring from the impact.

He’s trapped. Trapped in a metal box in the dark. A box that could easily become a coffin if the emergency stop failed and sent it careening down to crash at the bottom of the elevator shaft.

Eddie’s breathing speeds up against his will. His chest starts to hurt.

Not again, he thinks vaguely. Not here, not now, not again.

But. He can’t move. He can’t breathe. Some distant part of his mind recognizes that what he’s feeling isn’t real, that he just needs to calm down, but he can’t—

He’s going to die. He’s going to—

The radio crackles in his belt.

“Eddie? Eddie! Can you hear me?”

Eddie’s mind latches onto the sound of Buck’s voice like a lifeline in an ocean of distress. It takes him a moment to make his trembling hands work through their numbness, to remind his fingers how to work the buttons, but eventually, he lifts the radio to his mouth.

“I’m here,” he says. His voice shakes. “I’m in the elevator. It’s—I don’t know which floor. Or if I’m between floors. I don’t—”

He shudders. His eyes close, not that it really matters given how dark the space is already.

“It’s okay,” Buck replies. “It’s okay, Eddie, we’ll find you. We’ll get you out, don’t worry.”

“I don’t want to die here.” It slips out of him before he can pull it back. Buck takes a sharp breath on the other end of the line.

“That’s not going to happen,” Buck says firmly, although his own voice seems less steady than usual. “I would never let that happen. I’ve got your back, remember? Always.”

A shudder rips down Eddie’s spine and he slides against the wall to sit on the floor. The walls still feel too restricting, like they’re closing in on him more each moment that he looks away.

The radio crackles again.

“Eddie. What can I do? What do you need?” Buck asks.

I don’t know. I don’t—I can’t—

“Eddie.” The fear and desperation in Buck’s voice cuts through the fog in Eddie’s mind.

He never wants Buck to sound like that.

“Keep talking?” Eddie replies. “I—just keep talking to me. Please?”

Don’t go, is what he really means. Stay with me.

He’s never allowed himself to say those things though. Not during the early days of the pandemic when they were sharing a bed in Buck’s loft. Not after he moved back home with Christopher and the other side of his bed felt too empty for sleep to come easily. And certainly not after he started dating Ana.

During his recovery, he never had to ask Buck for anything really. Buck was always just...there. Even though he was with Taylor, he was still there with Eddie and with Christopher whenever Eddie needed him. Like he knew somehow. Or maybe as if he needed to be there as much as Eddie needed him there.

Eddie hasn’t looked too closely at any of that. He’s not ready to. It’s too much, too complicated, too—too—

Dangerous.

“What do you want to talk about?”

Eddie swallows hard as his head rests against the wall. As he allows the sound of Buck’s voice to wrap around him like armor. Like home. Insulating him against the panic and isolation.

“Anything,” he says quietly. “Just keep talking.”

And Buck does. He talks about everything and nothing, random facts and stories from his past that Eddie hasn’t heard before, he talks and talks and talks until his voice grows hoarse in Eddie’s ear and the pressure on Eddie’s lungs eases.

Eddie exhales shakily and takes a few deep breaths as he continues to listen, as his body shifts from hyper-awareness and panic to wrung out exhaustion. When Buck finally cuts off, it’s because there’s an ugly screech of metal as the elevator doors are pried open, as light filters back in.

Eddie’s legs are unsteady as he gets to his feet. He trips on the edge of the elevator door when he exits—

Buck catches him before he can fall. Because of course he does.

“Thank you,” Eddie breathes into Buck’s shoulder as he finds his balance.

Buck shakes his head. “I promised we’d get you out, didn’t I? Besides, I—I shouldn’t have let you go alone.”

“I decided—”

“I shouldn’t have let you,” Buck repeats, low but insistent. His eyes meet Eddie’s and Eddie swallows hard.

“You weren’t okay. Were you?” Buck asks. And Eddie—

He wants to lie. Part of him does at least.

But he can’t lie to Buck.

Not to Buck.

“No,” he confesses. It’s half a whisper. “No, I wasn’t.”

Buck bites his lip and nods once.

“Okay,” he says. “We’ll figure it out.”

And somehow, Eddie believes him.

#chapel writes #prompt fill #letmetellyouaboutmyfeels #buddie #eddie diaz #buddie fic #buddie ff

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tea-and-spoons · 3 years ago

Text

All About Occupational Therapy (OT)

Fun fact about the bloggy author- I’m an occupational therapy student! I find that so many people could really benefit from OT, but almost none of them know what it is. So here’s the basics of OT in hopes that it will help more spoonies get the support they need.

In this context, occupation doesn’t mean job specifically, it just means anything you do to occupy your time. This can mean everything from brushing your teeth to doing homework to walking your dog to playing videos to sleeping, and many more.

The “elevator speech” my professor taught me is that OT helps people to do the things they need to do and want to do in their everyday life. If you’re thinking “wow, that’s really vague”- you are correct! To me, OT is more of a way of thinking than a specialty, and it can be applied to just about anyone in any setting, whether they have a disability or not. This also definitely includes people with a mental illness- that’s actually where OT started and they still help there too.

There are lots of ways OTs can help their clients, and I think of them in a few general categories. The first way is changing something about you. This could mean helping you learn new skills or techniques, or helping to reduce/manage the symptoms that are interfering with your life. This method often is Not the bulk of what OT does, but as long as it’s something you also want to change, it’s still helpful. (Actually, side note, OT should be very very based on what YOU want to work on! That’s part of what makes it unique from other medical professions. If you don’t feel like that’s the case with your OT, please let them know!)

Examples: Sensory regulation strategies, using massage and stretching, teaching self-advocacy skills, making wrist braces, teaching specific skills like how to take the bus or mindfulness, helping you understand how your condition works

The next way is my favorite, and that is changing the environment, instead of changing the you. This fits nicely with the social model of disability! The environment and equipment need to be adjusted to work better for you, and that’s exactly what OT specializes in

Examples: Working out how to modify your bathroom to create space for a wheelchair, adjusting your desk setup to decrease pain, providing adaptive silverware, creating routines to manage your health

Another way is to change how you’re doing your “occupations'', or change the demands. There are so many little tricks like this that might seem like common sense, but every OT I’ve met has this magical ability to find just the right thing that works for you that you never thought of before. Or sometimes, I think it just helps to have explicit permission from someone else to do things differently. OT is also really great for helping you figure out what accommodations you might benefit from at school or work, and then supporting you in advocating for yourself- that’s what I mean for changing the demands of what you’re doing. You don’t have to do the same things in the same way as everyone else.

Examples: Doing multiple small loads of laundry instead of one heavy one, gathering everything ahead of time and then sitting down while you’re cooking or working, taking stim breaks, getting accommodations for extensions and alternate assignments at school

So if you’re newly diagnosed, or having a flare, or just having a lot of trouble managing your chronic illness- OT might be really helpful. I got referred for hand therapy and sensory support when I first got sick, and it was like finally being taught how to live my life with a chronic illness. Many doctors don’t know a ton about OT either, but if you ask for a referral to help you manage your daily life, especially chronic pain, they may say yes.

If you have questions, ask away! I can’t give you OT advice, but I can tell you about what OT does and help you figure out how to access it.

#teaandspoons #spoonie #chronic illness #chronic pain #occupational therapy #chronic illness advice #ot #accommodations #disability #disability advice

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jodilin65 · 9 years ago

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THURSDAY, APRIL 30, 2015 Dr. O, who might have peaked in my blog again last night from a slightly different location in New York, messaged me to say that she’s having one of her nurses contact me. Until then I thought I would do a private entry where I don’t have to watch what I say. I’m also sick of others being quick to give me their unsolicited advice. That only confuses me even more. The three things I should have kept out of public from the get-go were what the freeloaders did to me, my sleep disorder, and my thyroid issues. Especially the last two. There may be a few paragraphs here that I might share in my public blog as well as my private one, though.

Tammy tried to tell me that I was feeling anxious because I didn’t have enough thyroid hormone in me and not because of the medication. As Tom agrees, that makes no sense. I haven’t had enough thyroid hormone in me for many years; so then why didn’t I feel just as anxious then? I’ve got to be careful what I say to her because one thing we don’t want is for her to get involved. Not too involved anyway. As Tom pointed out, if people can get involved in the past, they can do it again in the future. That’s the only problem with Tammy I still have today. I know she was a part of siccing the pigs on me, even though she continues to deny it, and I know she wouldn’t hesitate to do something like that again if she got pissed at me.

I am totally, totally torn between trying to stick the 75 micrograms out and going back to the 50s. I felt so much better on the 50s and I didn’t need lorazepam. What does that tell you right there? That the doctors are telling me one thing while my body is saying another. No matter what they say, I really do believe that the Prozac was making me feel worse. I think it was responsible for my throat pain, and even making me depressed to the point that I thought of dying. I probably should have been more open with my doctors about the dying part. It’s just that revealing those feelings in the past has backfired on me, and I remember that. I know this isn’t Valleyhead and I know this isn’t the 80s, but it is still hard to discuss with anyone other than Tom. From now on though, I will take his advice and be more upfront about that. I know things have changed and that they’re not like they were years ago, but still, I don’t want to God forbid be punished for how I feel and made to feel even worse. As it is I went in with a bum thyroid and even that has made me feel worse in the end. It seems that more often than not, whenever I try to help myself or get something fixed, things end up worse, just like they did with my ear.

I still wake up with a racing heart throughout the night (another thing that didn’t start till after the Prozac), and I agree with Dr. A who said she truly believes it’s anxiety. The only difference is that it’s not as scary as it used to be because I am getting used to it. It is just frustratingly annoying.

The question is why am I having such intense and extreme anxiety that I never had before last year? It is totally unpredictable and it comes and goes when I least expect it to. I can feel fine one minute and the next I am feeling waves of anxiety. Sometimes it’s physical where my heart is elevated, and other times the anxiety is emotional.

I think one of the reasons I have been feeling tired more lately isn’t just the stress, but because I stupidly stopped my vitamins.

I was a little pissed to learn that I never needed a referral for the behavioral center, so we've been waiting all this time for nothing. I spoke to my PCP's nurse yesterday morning who told me to just go ahead and call them. The shrinks are booked through October (utterly ridiculous) but I will see a counselor named Stacey on May 12th.

Saw the street Tammy will be living on and it looks beautiful. Mostly palm trees and a lot more grass than we have here. Maybe she won't hear leaf blowers as much as we do cuz she doesn't have the kinds of trees we have that make such a mess. She's going to hear a lot of mowing, though that's less annoying than blowers. The blowers they use here are insanely loud. For about 5 hours yesterday, the landscaping sounds around me were annoying as hell, especially when I was trying to talk on the phone. They're so loud even when they're not that close.

What's what all the huge spider dreams lately? Last night a huge one ran across the ceiling in my dreams and I was freaking out the closer it got to me.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 29, 2015 Felt pretty well during the first few hours of my day… and then the anxiety reared up and bit me in the ass big time. I felt almost like my brain would literally explode with anxiety! My sister calmed me down for a while when we talked until she had to go to the grocery store in preparation for an impending storm. It kept coming and going in waves. One minute an utter calm would envelop me and I would feel like everything was going to be ok and stay ok. The next my anxiety was so fierce I wanted to scream and cry. I won’t even get into how dark my thoughts were turning.

Then the torture continued in my sleep. I woke up several times with a racy heart, and one time Tom took a reading of it. It was 127.

I have been plagued with uncertainty and indecisiveness ever since this shit started up again. Possible causes and ways to help myself were bouncing around in my brain like a Ping-Pong ball on drugs. Did I keep taking the 75’s? Scale back to the 50’s? Give the Prozac another chance? Assume it was too coincidental that the throat pain and bedtime “heart attacks” didn’t start until after I start the Prozac? End it all? Throw myself in the hospital?

Yesterday I messaged my endo and told her I wouldn’t mind trying something else for the anxiety just in case there was a slim possibility the Prozac did affect my throat and sleep. I also let her know I would still use the lorazepam as needed. Then, as I was falling asleep, Tom Skyped me to say he got a message from my primary’s office asking how I was. I will call them this morning and tell them I’ve got to back off the 75s once again and drop to 50 till I can get my anxiety dealt with. I think I just took on too much too fast. I need to get that referral and get into the behavioral center first. Meanwhile, I’m not going to die on 50 mcg. I have a dead thyroid, not cancer. Gotta wonder how the hell all this came out of a dead thyroid, though. I know some of it is menopause and anxiety, but they’re all feeding off each other, and the higher dose does seem to be the main culprit, like it or not. At least for me, it seems that way.

So anxiety first, higher dosage later… maybe. All I know is that every time I’m on 75’s I feel like shit. I can’t stand to have my life and sleep tormented to such a degree during the months it could take to get acclimated. I just can’t do it. 50 mcg may be less than my body needs, but it’s all my body can take right now.

I don’t expect any trouble from my docs or that they’ll try to push me to do anything I don’t feel comfortable doing. After all, I am an adult and I’m sure they know I have to trust what my gut tells me and what I feel is best for me, since I know my body better than anyone else, and not just rely 100% on them and what they tell me. They’re to help me help myself. Not to mold and shape me into whatever as if I were a piece of putty. But on the off chance there is any unnecessary pressure, I’ll see Tom’s doctor instead.

Tom saw his doctor yesterday and told him how his BP medication makes him cough a lot. His doctor told him most of them do that but gave him something else to try. He mentioned beta-blockers and Tom told him about me. But because Tom’s the opposite of me and has a naturally slow heart rate, he’s going to pass on the blockers. His TSH and cholesterol are great and he is still healthy as can be. Thank goodness one of us is! Better him than me, but still, it would be nice if I could be healthier. I quit smoking fairly young, I keep in shape… I should be healthy damn it!

He got a tetanus shot but passed on the colonoscopy. He said, “Do you want this or that,” and not “You need this or that,” so that’s good.

I have more to write about, including great news about Tammy, but will get to it later. My energy spans are short these days due to all the stress.

Later…

Okay, on with Tammy's news as well as the last two nights of dreams before I forget. Well, I wouldn’t forget Tammy, but the longer I ignore my dream notes, the less sense they make to me. I still have a half-hour before I can call my doctor anyway.

Tammy and Mark made an offer on a house that was accepted in what I am told is a beautiful park with palm trees and flowers galore. It’s a two-bath, two-bed manufactured home that’s slightly bigger than ours. It’s called the Savannah Club and it sounds like it’s a much bigger park than ours. Ours only has one pool, one clubhouse, and a small lake. This place has multiple pools, clubhouses, and even a movie theater that attracts famous people.

There are wildlife preserves around her so no one can build up in around the area. Hopefully, she won’t have a problem with hunters and dirt bikes, but the east isn’t like the west, so I doubt she will. I teased her about the daily landscaping sounds she’s probably in for. The more plants you have around you, the more you’re going to hear this person trimming this, and that person mowing that, while another is reaching for their blower. Teased her about how much the old guys love to saw too, as she too, will be in a retirement community. The sawing will come and go in spurts. You can go months without hearing them.

She said she met her neighbors next to her and across from her and adores them.

I am so, so happy and excited for her! Finally, she has a beautiful new home to call her own in a climate that may have allergies in store for her but that she otherwise loves.

In other cool news, Matt M, the former owner of Valleyhead before the FBI shut it down, died recently. Oh boo fucking hoo, huh? LOL, wonder if the fraudulent bastard was still in prison for all the girls he ripped off and the lives he helped ruin.

Random dream scenes: A HUGE spider that grew wings and flew out of a box and onto my shoulder, leaving me literally paralyzed with fear. I was too terrified to try to shake it off!

A guy dancing to a yellow iPod in a crowded room.

My old hot doc and some older male doctor referring me to someone because of a 51% chance of who knows what.

Us buying an old ugly house with a lighted table that had been left in the kitchen that I vowed to get rid of.

Swimming somewhere and visiting our old town in Oregon for a fair they were having. I thought how I missed the town but not the weather. In some ways this is true. After passing the same person 3 times throughout the day, I looked at Tom and said, “Only in the tiny town of Klamath Falls can you cross paths with the same person multiple times in one day.”

I had such a good time there that I wanted to stay. But I knew I couldn’t take the cold and snow, and doubted they had any retirement parks. Therefore, getting a house in the mainstream and dealing with screaming kids and barking dogs wasn’t an option as much as I enjoyed visiting. Even when it began to pour like crazy.

TUESDAY, APRIL 28, 2015 On Thursday I decided to do one of my favorite hobbies… people hunting. I don’t know why but I just love to hunt for any little mundane tidbits I can find on people, but not people I know well or don’t know at all. It has to be somebody I’ve met or seen at least a few times like my endo. It’s a sort of a game to me just like some people love scavenger hunts and to see what little treasures they can come up with. Well, I would hardly count the fact that I learned that my doctor doesn’t drink as a “treasure,” but the whole idea of the game is to see what I can find. Silly, pointless game, perhaps, but fun and sometimes interesting. She loves those slot games, LOL.

I knew she had a house in Sacramento and was married and that was pretty much it, other than her age and a few facts found on the health site. I wouldn’t even know that she once lived in Massachusetts had she not told me. Sometimes it takes a few tries of hunting before you turn up anything. One way I have learned to get more information on people is through their friends provided you can find them on Facebook in the first place. It took me a few tries to find her there and at first I wasn’t even sure it was her because there was no personal information listed. No location, no age, no nothing. The account was mostly public, though, and while her “likes” and movies and books and music suggested that of an older person, I had no idea who it really was at first. They have only 15 friends, mostly in Gloversville, New York, and I couldn’t tell who might be directly related to her and who may be related to her husband or those bearing her last name if it really was her.

A closer look at her friends turned up a daughter named Stormy who looks old as hell. This chick is either a lot younger than she looks or the doctor had her very young. I could see a resemblance in the daughter’s picture. Same brown eyes, same downturned nose, same wavy brown hair, same slim figure. LOL, the endocrinologists are skinny and their patients are fat. I’d describe her as somewhere between ugly and plain with a bit of a harsh appearance.

The one thing that definitely stood out was the doc’s nature pictures. She doesn’t have an extensive account and doesn’t post very often, but many of the pics are the types I would decorate my blog with so I sent a brief message complimenting them. Regardless of who it was, they were beautiful.

Facebook goes out of its way to make reaching out to people rather hard, which kind of defeats the whole purpose of the site, but that’s just the way it is. Most of the time you send a message to a non-friend, if they even get it, it will likely go to their other box and remain unseen. That’s what I expected in this case, but for some reason, the message went straight to her inbox. Although I never got a reply, not surprisingly, the message was read, and then I noticed a blog view from Gloversville.

I wished I could know if the doctor was out of town at the moment because that would confirm my suspicion as to their identity. But of course I had no way of knowing that and I wasn’t about to ask… until she checked into the health site to answer my questions and volunteered that information on her own.

So she knew I messaged her before she sent me this today:

Hi, I am out of town right now but checking on messages and saw this and your other message. I do not think this is high thyroid. The symptoms of feeling hot and anxious in the middle of the night might be anxiety. I do not think Prozac is necessarily causing these to be worse. If these are happening nightly then I suggest for a few nights you take lorazepam as you are going to bed to relax you. If these are anxiety they should improve with time on fluoxetine though perhaps the dose is too low or there are better agents for you. If they persist let me know and we can change gears before the planned next visit. Don't think sore throat is related to any of this. Tingling in the extremeties happens with the anxiety and breathing rapidly. See yoour PCP to figure out the sore throat if it persists. Dr O

Later…

Going to stop sharing posts on Google+ since I tend to move things around a bit, which makes the links useless.

I am so glad to finally say that I feel so much better and got better sleep yesterday. I still woke up nearly a dozen times and was aware of on and off throat pain, but I didn’t wake up feeling like I was on fire and like my heart was about to jump out of my chest. I also fell back asleep relatively fast. I first fell asleep without the lorazepam and then I woke up an hour later. That’s when I took it. I slept eight hours in total.

No racing heart yesterday and so I never needed the beta-blocker other than that one time so far. I’m doing well so far today too, but that’s one of those unpredictable things that can sneak up on you anytime. As long as sitting down and taking some deep breaths will slow my pulse down, then I don’t need the beta-blocker.

The throat thing is the weirdest thing because it doesn’t feel like acid reflux any more than it feels like a pulled muscle, and after the first day, I only felt it lying down. It is getting better, though, so whatever it is I’m not worried about it right now. The doctor said to see my primary if it persists. She also thinks waking up with a racing heart is due to anxiety and that the Prozac probably wasn’t responsible for that or the throat pain. She said that tingling could occur in the extremities from anxiety, which I didn’t know until now. The question is whether or not to try the Prozac again. She said the dose could be too low or there might be something else better for me, and to let her know if I have any more problems so we can try something else before our next appointment.

When Tom gets up I’ll discuss it with him and see what his opinion is. I always value his opinion as well as my sister’s, since she was once a medical assistant and is as familiar with these things as I am with the rules of the romance languages.

Tammy had a great point in her message to me earlier that I totally didn’t think of and that’s that sometimes you have to get worse before you get better. She has been on tons of meds and has experienced something or another from each and every one of them until her body got used to them. Sometimes the side effects went away, other times she couldn’t stand them and had to stop. The side effects can definitely be scarier than the disease itself. The thought of having the pocket of activity flare up in my thyroid isn’t scary, but it sure is if you’re taking 75 mcg of levothyroxine when it happens.

There is an end, she assured me, and that helps a lot. Maybe my life in my sleep as I knew it isn’t forever gone after all. It’s just trying to be patient until everything is fine-tuned to where it’s supposed to be. Had to laugh, however, when she said this is a simple disease to treat. Yeah, that’s what I thought. I thought I would just take a pill and forget about it. How wrong I was! Hopefully, it will be that simple in the future soon enough. I have never in my life experienced anxiety to this degree even in my most anxious of moments. I definitely do want it to back off. I mean it’s great that I feel better right now, but how long will it last?

MONDAY, APRIL 27, 2015 We swapped mattresses but I didn’t have any better luck sleeping on it. I didn’t seem to get as hot since the other mattress has no memory foam, but I woke up just as often and the bed was horribly uncomfortable because it is way too hard. So I decided that if I’m going to sleep shitty on both mattresses, I might as well choose the one that is most comfortable and that is definitely our four-year-old memory foam mattress. I hate how hot it makes me feel but it is otherwise like sleeping on a cloud. Super comfortable. Maybe not as comfortable as a waterbed but still very comfortable.

Tom double-checked what can cause a person to wake up with a racy heart and found three reasons. Anxiety, menopause and stimulants. Well, I have been going easy on the caffeine, but I certainly have plenty of the first two. It comes and goes with no predictability. Right now I feel perfectly calm but yesterday I was crying on the phone to my sister while Tom was asleep. I left her some voice messages. She wants to chat live but I want to wait until I’m more on days than nights.

She said I shouldn’t have stopped the Prozac because it will help with the anxiety, but I only did so because I thought I was having a reaction to it. The facial tingling stopped, but I still get that strange, intense throat pain when I’m sleeping. I want to wait until I talk to the doctor and see what she says. If she doesn’t reply to my message in the morning I will call her office Tuesday morning. Really hope that referral comes in this week too.

For now, I still have the lorazepam. Maybe I should try taking it before bed instead of in the middle of my sleep. I can usually go right back to sleep the first two or three times I wake up, but in the middle of my sleep I have a harder time getting back to sleep and that’s when I’ve been taking the lorazepam. IDK, maybe taking it beforehand will help prevent that. It’s an experiment worth trying.

As Tammy said, I’ve had this disease for years and it’s going to take time for my body to adjust to the medication and all that. This is true, but when you’re suffering time is everything to you. I am trying to do all I can to change my way of thinking and not to dwell on what might happen and how long this shit might last, and just accept that there’s a good chance I’m not going to be sleeping well anymore and to just get whatever sleep I can. Also, quit being afraid of what my heart might do and just keep busy, keep distracted, and try to surround myself with positive things instead of anything negative. Sometimes it is easier said than done and you start to believe you’re never going to get better and you feel yourself losing hope. What do you do at that point? Tell yourself to just learn to suffer? Be a good little sufferer and just live with it? Tell yourself it must be “meant to be?”

Sometimes I feel my anxiety turning to anger, and I need to feel that anger more often because anger can lead to productiveness. It can be as positive as it can be negative. It can help motivate us to change things for the better. We may not always succeed in the end, but anger is often our chance to give it a shot. Whether or not this is happening to me out of random chance or because something up there has it in for me, I’m getting pissed all right. It is interfering with nearly every aspect of my life. It’s taking the enjoyment out of my home, my park, and my life. I don’t have the luxury of going on a bike ride around the park like I used to love to do by myself when Tom wasn’t available because I have to fear my meds and thyroid issues combined will elevate my heartbeat as unpredictable as it can be, and then I might panic and make it even worse. Well, I’m tired of living with these fears. I’m not going to push myself to do too much too fast, but I am determined to take little steps toward getting there like I did earlier by walking around the circle…alone.

At this point my not being able to sleep is harder on me than what might happen to me when I’m awake. Sometimes I am just so tired I can barely function. I never thought I would say this, but I am actually glad right now that I am unable to work outside of home. I always had some semblance of a schedule even when I didn’t have a schedule, but now I don’t even have that. It’s taken “erratic” to a whole new meaning of the word and it is going to make my life a lot harder if it keeps up, especially if I want to travel or to try to keep appointments. There’s no doubt that most of it is caused by perimenopause, and I can already tell that there’s no way I’m going to get my period on the seventh, which would be when I would get it if I was as regular as I used to be. I used to be like clockwork. It would be a simple process if it would just quit picking on my sleep. It is exciting otherwise. This is it. I am definitely slowly signing off from Period Land. I will probably still get a few here and there for the next year or two, though.

I used to love to relax for a few minutes here and there in between tasks, but I’m making a point of not doing that for now because that’s when my mind sometimes takes me places I don’t want to go.

“Is my heart racing? Could it be getting ready to race? Is trouble ahead? Will I ever get better?”

These are the types of thoughts I don’t want racing through my mind. With nothing to distract me, they swirl through my mind like water swirls through a toilet bowl. Only there’s no place to flush it all away.

Ok, quick recap of yesterday and then I’m going to try my best to get on with my life. Tom and I worked out in the morning and I fell asleep earlier than I usually would have because I was so tired. I slept on and off for most of the day, got up and felt warm for the first hour or so like I seem to be doing a lot lately. I did my usual routine of taking my medication, having my one cup of coffee, brushing my teeth, taking my shower, and treating my toenail fungus. It’s getting better but it still looks kind of gross. These things take time. Too bad this wasn’t my biggest problem, though, huh?

I never needed the beta blocker yesterday and so far today I am doing well and I hope it stays that way regardless of how I sleep the next time around, whenever that may be. Since I am a little better rested today I expect to be up close to lunchtime.

I’m going to proofread this entry, post it and then get on with my Dutch lesson. I let Hoodie out earlier and maybe I’ll let him out again while I read.

Ugh, we need to rid this country of its blacks and make this a safer place to live! I don’t read the news, but I read other people’s journals, which often talk about their own lives as well as what’s going on in the world.

Once again, the blacks are doing what they do best… violence. Rioting like spoiled little children every time something goes wrong with one of them or they don’t get their way, and taking it out on innocent people while they’re at it. This time it’s over a death while in pig custody in Baltimore.

Maybe someday they will learn, along with the t-heads, that violence is never a solution. And of course, no one riots or gives a shit when whites are brutalized by the pigs, and they ARE. What about that pregnant woman? She made the news, but no one rioted for her. Skin too white to be worth it?

I’m sorry for any true, honest-to-God victim of police brutality, but I have no sympathy for blacks in general. They only disgust me even more when they do shit like this. If gays and Jews can get ahead without violence, so can they. Yet so many people just love blacks. Say anything negative against them and whites will take it just as personally. I just don’t get it. I really don’t. The few left that don’t care for them obviously see them for the subhuman pieces of shit 80% of them are. I’m getting to the point where I nearly want to puke when I see one same as when I see a Muzzie.

Like it or not, just like some breeds of dogs are more aggressive than others, clearly some groups of people are too, and these are one of them. But you can’t make people see what they simply don’t want to see. People want to believe people are good, but the reality is that most of them aren’t. Would the world be as fucked up as it is if they were?

SUNDAY, APRIL 26, 2015 This not sleeping, having to deal with a racy heart and being overheated, is really wearing me down both physically and emotionally that I find my thoughts going to some very dark places, the more the torture takes its toll on me. This complex, nasty disease, along with whatever other issues I may have going on, like menopause and this mysterious throat pain that comes and goes, are getting to be more than I can handle. Too much is coming at me too fast.

I have lost a few pounds and you would think I should be pleased but instead, I am worried. Most of it has been lost through not feeling well. In some ways, I would rather have my old appetite back and have to tell myself, “Whoa! Slow down!” Then try to keep the scale from climbing. Yes, I really do miss some of my old problems in comparison to this one. That’s just the thing, though… it’s not just one, simple and obvious problem. When a woman has cramps she knows the cause of it is because of her period, so she takes an ibuprofen or something, and that’s it. So be it. Even what we went through in Auburn, as horrible as it was, was a lot simpler than this. The problem was obvious… the economy sucked, we were broke, and there weren’t enough jobs.

What’s going on with me now is a lot more complex. There isn’t just one thing causing a particular symptom, and sometimes I can’t know what they are or what to do about it. I’m thrown in a strange room blindfolded and I don’t know what may be in that room with me.

I still can’t get my body to stay asleep for more than an hour or two at a time. It’s bad enough to wake up just because, but it’s a lot easier to wake up for a second, and then go right back to sleep. When you wake up with a hot flash and booming heart, that’s going to a whole new level of shittiness. Every day now I have needed to take a lorazepam to help me get back to sleep.

I couldn’t fall asleep until 11am and I finally pulled myself out of bed at 8pm. I checked my sites online that I go to regularly, made myself eat a little something and then I got back into bed because I was still exhausted. I’m feeling more depressed than anxious right now. I hate to think that my only choices in life are to learn to suffer or to end it all.

In some ways, I’m just as shitty with this new team of doctors as with the old team. My old endo had to go, though, don’t get me wrong. She was a rude and uncaring doctor. But am I really better off now than I was before? I have a doctor who is willing to give me more information than my old one, but I still feel like shit.

I am told that in a couple of months when my levels and numbers are where they’re supposed to be and my pituitary gland stops barking orders at my thyroid to work harder, I will begin to feel better, and I will be at less risk of pocket flares as my thyroid dies off. If this is really true, that’s many weeks away and I don’t know if I can hold it together that long. I’m still waiting for the doctor to get back to me and for the referral to the behavioral center.

I left Tammy some voice messages even though I probably shouldn’t because she has enough of her own problems.

At 1am I finally pulled myself out of bed for a shower and some more food, then to do this entry. I’m still exhausted and I may go lay down again if only because I feel safer from the bad kinds of “beatdowns,” as I call them. There are a few different kinds as funny and confusing as that may sound to those who have never experienced this horrifying thing. You have your short-acting ones and your long-acting ones. My heart has behaved so far today, but it is unpredictable.

About 10 hours after I took my levothyroxine yesterday my pulse shot up to 125, so I took the beta blocker. It definitely worked, slamming my pulse all the way down to 85. The problem is that it made me feel so sluggish and cold. It may have made me a little short of breath, but that could have been anxiety.

For now, I continue to document in brief but to-the-point notes for my doctor, even if it might not do me much good.

SATURDAY, APRIL 25, 2015 Okay, here’s my good entry to make up for my not-so-good entry. Andy's surprise turned out to be cheesecake samplers. They are wonderful! My favorites are turtle cheesecake and the New York-style cheesecake, and I also love the raspberry and Oreo cookie cheesecakes. Tom has never had cheesecake in his life and I convinced him to try the Oreo one, and he loved it.

Gotta admit I did not expect this. I thought it would have to do with rats or scented things.

He is an amazing friend and I really appreciate his support through these tough times. I may or may not survive in the end, but I definitely have the love of good friends and family along the way.

There are 12 cheesecakes and they are very rich and filling, so they will last a long time. Probably even longer for me because my appetite has been down lately. I can only eat a little more than half of one at one time. Even a 300-calorie frozen dinner stuffs the hell out of me.

My second, larger figure skater wall sticker silhouette arrived but I have not put it up yet. I finished the laundry, wrote up the grocery list, and did some blogging, so I am making progress at trying to keep myself busy whenever I am awake.

Last night it rained for a few minutes and tonight we have a steady rain that has gone on for a few hours. It is a nice soothing sound.

The only dream I remember was arriving somewhere on a train. But instead of the people exiting the train from seats that are bolted down inside, the front of the train opened up, and the rows of seats “ejected” themselves like a long tongue slowly sticking out of a snake’s mouth.

I spotted my brother and realized that he was the conductor. I walked up to him as he studied a clipboard in his hands and said hello. He didn’t seem happy to see me and said something like, “What, are you going to dump me again?”

“Naw,” I said.

Then he said something about not wanting any problems and I said, “Yeah, it seems silly to stay angry at each other at this point.”

FRIDAY, APRIL 24, 2015 This is going to be a long, depressing health rant, and then I will do a happier blog later on. I am trying not to dwell on the negative in my life right now, but I also want to document whatever happens because it’s good to keep records. You just never know how it may help in the future.

I have been so bad that Tom stayed home today, but this time we wonder if it’s because of a reaction to the Prozac which I have temporarily stopped until I hear back from the doctor. I messaged her Thursday afternoon and I am kind of surprised she didn’t reply this morning but it did say that it can take up to one or two business days. Makes me wonder if she’s in New York. Out of curiosity I looked her up on Facebook and found an account I thought might be hers. I sent a message complimenting her nature pictures, which were very nice, and noticed that she had some friends in Gloversville, New York. Strangely enough, the message went straight to her inbox, appeared as having been seen, and then I got a blog view from that area. If it wasn’t her, why didn’t she reply? Or maybe she did and I just didn’t get it. You never know with Facebook.

I thought I would sleep better with Tom home but I didn’t. I developed intermittent throat pain that went on for about 24 hours, and facial tingling as well. And no, the sore throat wasn’t like when you’re getting a cold. Besides, nothing I did helped. I tried hot drinks, I tried cold drinks, I tried ibuprofen, and I tried a throat lozenge.

We looked online as well as at the papers the pharmacist gave us and they listed this as possible side effects, as well as hot flashes, racing heart, and problems sleeping. Well, I sure had problems sleeping, alright. I have never ever slept so shitty in my entire life. I couldn’t fall asleep till around 5 AM and because I kept waking up so many times I couldn’t pull myself out of bed until 4:30. I woke up at least five times with my heart racing and feeling warm as well. The yoga mat did help keep me a little cooler but not much. I also woke up like 10 other times just because. I am anxious, depressed, worried, and starting to wonder if I’m going to end up in the hospital. I sure as hell hope not but will do whatever it takes to get better and back to my old self for more than just a few days or a few weeks if I’m really lucky. Then again, what if I can never get better? What if this is it? What if this is my new life and I have no choice but to accept it and try to adapt as best I can? That’s a scary thought!

Why am I so prone to side effects, if that’s really what it was? I’m almost positive the throat thing was the acid reflux problem some people have, but I can’t swear to the bedtime beatdowns my heart puts me through. Some of that could still be menopause, my thyroid meds, or just plain anxiety. I only know it isn’t normal for me. Yes, I know things change with age, but nobody should sleep that badly. The whole thing just seems way too extreme. Not sure which came first… did I wake up and then find myself aware of my heart racing? Or did I wake up because my heart was racing? Tom thinks it’s the first one.

We’re going to give it one more night, and then if I continue to have problems we will go ahead and swap mattresses. The mattress in the second bedroom is very firm but there is no memory foam topper on it. If that’s what I got to do to stop this shit, I’ll do it. What I really miss most are waterbeds. That might be an option in the future, too. I just hate feeling like life as I knew it and my sleep as I knew it is history. This is just horrible because it leaves me with so little energy when I’m awake. It’s like my mind wants to do things but my body puts up a fight and protests. I have to push myself onward and forward when I just want to lie in bed and do nothing but worry, wonder and hope. Eventually, I’m going to lose that hope, though, the longer this keeps up. Still no issues while awake, but I do feel a bit anxious and I still worry about how the levothyroxine may affect me later on.

So while I should be happy and enjoying my life, I am scrambling to figure out what to do so I can have at least a fairly decent night's sleep, while I try not to worry about what problems my thyroid meds may cause me in the future, and question every little thing I feel. At least a lorazepam hasn’t given me any problems, but that’s only for when the anxiety levels go way up. Still haven’t used the beta blocker and still hoping that if I ever have to, Tom will be home at the time in case that too, causes any problems.

It’s too bad Prozac didn’t work out because it seemed to be calming me a bit. Tom said that those with throat pain caused by acid reflux found that they didn’t have it if they took it in the morning instead of at night, but I would rather wait until I confer with my doctor.

The biggest thing right now is to try to keep as active as possible, as Tom stressed. You don’t want to ignore something like this, but you don’t want to dwell on it either. So I might put my latest story idea to print and do as much as I can to focus on other things, and not how much I’ve come to hate – and sometimes fear – being alone.

THURSDAY, APRIL 23, 2015 My message to Dr. O:

So far I have been feeling okay when I am awake. The problem is when I am asleep. Once yesterday and twice today I woke up overheated with hot flashes and a booming heart. I was able to calm my heart in a few minutes and therefore did not take the beta-blocker. But I was trembling with nerves and took a lorazepam to help me get back to sleep. This is absolutely awful because now I am afraid to go to sleep when it can be scary enough just being awake and so I was wondering if you had any advice that could help me. I sleep with the house at 68 degrees and a fan blaring on me and nothing but my undies and thin blanket. I had even kicked off the blanket and just had a cover sheet over me. I am going to try putting my gel-like yoga pad on top of the memory foam and see if maybe that will help stop the warming effect. I am on nights right now or else I would have contacted you earlier. My house is currently 74 degrees and I feel like it is 80.

Later…

And my life forecast says:

Love = sunny.

Money = sunny.

Health = rain mixed with fierce downpours that could drown a herd of elephants in no time at all.

I finally got fed up enough to message my doctor online and let her in on my “rude awakenings.”

40 years ago I got my first period while at our summer cottage in Connecticut. 20 years ago it was either children or life. I chose life. Now, 20 years later I am having the hot flashes from hell. The hot flashes I once thought might be “fun” since I hate cold and being cold, but this is anything but fun. Especially when it wakes you up. Feeling like you’re on fire when you’re awake is one thing, but when you wake up feeling like your body is on fire, heart booming in your chest, it is anything but fun.

This is the second day in a row this has happened, and this time it happened twice. The first time I got up and was just about to reach for the beta-blocker when I felt my heartbeat slowing down. I took a lorazepam and called Tom, totally rattled by the whole thing. Dangerous or not, it is still terrifying. He calmed me down and after an hour I fell asleep only to wake up from the same damn thing a couple of hours later. Only thing was that this time I was too tired to get up. I sat up for a few seconds to help cool me down and then I fell back asleep. So much for keeping the house chilly and sleeping with just the cover sheet in addition to having the fan on me, and wearing nothing but my boy shorts. Oh, and of course I had to wake up just because, too. I wish I could just give up sleep altogether! I’m not getting into that bed until I am absolutely utterly exhausted.

Where are these things coming from all of a sudden anyway? I’ve had feelings of being warm and cold for quite a while now while awake, but nothing like this where it was waking me up. On the few occasions I woke up in the past, I would simply be hot. I didn’t feel like my heart was going to explode out of my chest as well. This is the third or fourth time this has happened in the last two months.

The doctor explained to me that the hormones don’t go wacky; they just quit. Yeah? Well, I want them back. All of them.

Where I was trying to stop questioning whether or not I thought my heart was racing or if it was about to start racing while I was awake, now I have to wonder what nightmares I may be in for when I go to sleep. I think I am more afraid to sleep than to be awake right now, though I still do fear what my medication may have in store for me later on.

I shoved my yoga pad underneath my sheet and I’m going to see if that blocks the memory foam from causing me to overheat. My guess is that it won’t do me much good. There’s never a quick fix to my problems. Really, nothing is ever short and sweet for me unless it’s something good. My problems are always long-term. I don’t mean weeks or even months, but years. First it’s getting legally screwed until I could get that overturned, then it's poverty, and now it’s my health. If the doctors and I can ever get me feeling better (which I would absolutely love), what would be next?

There’s a 65-year-old woman (in Germany?) who is pregnant by artificial insemination. While I think it is horribly selfish and wrong to have kids at that age, I can’t help but look at her as inspirational. If she can put herself through all that at her age, why can’t I survive this thyroid and menopause bullshit at my age?

For the longest time, I was very much against the use of psych pills after the way they really screwed me over and basically made a guinea pig out of me trying to get me to be the “normal” person they thought I should be, as well as so many others, while I was a ward of the state. Tom read an article that says that the way they handled this type of stuff back in the 70s and 80s was almost criminal. It was horrible the way they lumped so many things together and had practically no understanding of the different types of issues and the proper way to go about treating them. They were too quick to resort to drugs rather than get to the root of the problem, so in a sense, they were no better than those who turned to illegal drugs and alcohol. I’m at the point now where I will take whatever can help me without killing me along the way. As long as it’s the right thing for me and I’m treated as the individual I am and not thrown into some group, labeled or categorized, and needlessly thrown on one drug after another, I am okay with a little artificial help.

Other than a strangely sore throat, which doesn’t feel like the kind of sore throat one has when they’re getting a cold, it isn’t all bad. Bad enough at times, but there is some good going on. My metabolism is moving faster and my body is now burning what it eats. My joints and muscles feel better, although my skin and hair are still a bit dry.

African Tea Rose nail polish really does smell like roses even with a top coat and even after wearing it overnight. I even got an awesome story idea earlier.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 22, 2015 Everybody keeps telling me I’m going to get better, but I’m still waiting. Every now and then I think I see a shadow of my old self. I chase that shadow but it remains elusive. Ah, my old self. The one whose worst problems were earaches, allergies and a little dental pain. I really miss her. Well, my TSH may be better but my menopause certainly isn’t.

After just an hour of sleep, I woke up (during a dream about us moving to a park that my sister and my nieces lived in) and overheated with my heart pounding just like I did on February 10. I’m documenting every torturous detail for my own reference as well as to possibly show my doctors. I can’t blame it on the higher thyroid dosage, though; because I wasn’t on 75 the last time it happened. I was on the 50s. Even my doctor said my thyroid isn’t my angel/devil. Other things can be going on.

When it happened in February I was able to just get up, put the fan on and return to sleep a few minutes later, probably because Tom was home. Not this time, though. This time I was home alone and it took me over an hour to get back to sleep and I even had to take a lorazepam. I was trembling like crazy and my body felt like it was on fire even though it was cool in the house. The reason I didn’t take the beta-blocker was that my heart calmed down a few minutes later, and I was pretty sure that it was more about menopause than my thyroid or medication. I don’t want to reach for the rescue pills unless I have an underlying racy heart that just won’t quit.

It is extremely frustrating and even scary having to deal with menopause and anxiety on top of trying to regulate my thyroid medication. It would have been nice if I could have done this one at a time instead of all at once. I’m in a shitty zone right now… Stuck in the middle of the transition. This means that I have hot flashes but I still have PMS and periods too, since they don’t just turn off like a light. So I basically have it all and that’s certainly no fun.

On top of all this female shit, there is still the fear hanging over my head that the raised thyroid dosage may backfire on me. Even if the beta-blocker works if my heart gets out of control, I don’t want to keep suffering and then having to resort to the blocker, but nobody thinks I will have to so that’s good.

My metabolism is undoubtedly speeding up. No doubt about it. This is both scary and exciting. If I can survive this dose without any problems this time around… bye-bye extra 25 pounds.

I’m just afraid of coming full circle. The first time I was bumped up to 75 was around this time of year. Well, my metabolism is moving faster, my appetite is down, and I have to take more number twos. I fear that I will end up with the same severe anxiety just like last year. I hope to hell I am wrong, though! So far it looks like the Prozac is helping, along with the way we took a slower approach to upping my dose this time around, but there’s no way to know what the future holds. We can think we know and we can have our guesses, hopes and assumptions, but we can never know for sure until the future gets here. Well, I need at least three or four months on 75 without any issues for me to finally be able to relax and breathe a sigh of relief and think maybe I am finally home-free. Then I will just have the menopause and the anxiety to deal with, but the anxiety should lessen the longer I continue not to have any medication issues.

The doctor was right, though; 50 mcg wasn’t enough. My metabolism was still too slow. I felt better than on no medication at all, but I was still retaining water, gaining weight easily, and having the driest skin and hair on earth.

The exciting part is seeing my body treat calories like it should treat it. It doesn’t gain weight from a lousy 80-calorie yogurt and hold it for hours and hours. It may gain half a pound instead of a whole pound or more, but then if I don’t eat for a few hours my weight starts dropping like it’s supposed to. Before, however, it’d hover at the same weight even with hours of not eating anything. It was terrible. If I’m going to be overweight I want it to be because I eat too much and not because some disease is preventing me from burning calories properly. I don’t expect to be 100 pounds like I was when I was young, but being older and more solid I might get down to the 120s. If I don’t, it still won’t kill me to stay in the 140s.

Where it got scary was when I thought it was going to keep climbing and climbing and climbing. At barely 5 feet tall there’s only so much weight I can carry.

It was also scary watching it fly off at record speed like it did last summer. Nobody should lose weight that fast.

Either way, I’m not naturally heavy and I’m not naturally inactive, so if the “side effects” don’t kill me, then I guess there’s a chance I may be buying new clothes one of these days soon enough. The most important thing is keeping my heart from feeling like it’s going to jump out of my chest.

As for the menopause, I would really like to get rid of my memory foam mattress. They may be ideal for cold climates, but not California. I just don’t know what to replace it with since almost everything has memory foam toppers these days. For now, I will just use the cover sheet without the blanket, and I will continue to have the fan going.

Another transition I’m stuck in right now is the weather. If you live where you have big high-low fluctuations like we do which averages 30° between night and day, you can literally need both your heat and AC at certain times of the year. The days are nice but the nights are still cold.

I forgot to write about the slave bracelet. A few days ago the question of the day on Ask was what we wear for jewelry. Andy said a slave bracelet. Curious to see what one looked like, I googled it and found it was a bracelet with a chain that goes to a ring. I decided I wanted one, so I picked out a slave bracelet and also a slave ankle bracelet on Amazon. Hope my hands and feet aren’t too small, but eh, they were cheap. My survey change paid for them. I thanked Andy for mentioning that even though I couldn’t picture him wearing one and he cracked up laughing because he said he simply made it up. LOL

TUESDAY, APRIL 21, 2015 So I was sitting here having my coffee and thinking how wonderful it would be if I never needed those rescue pills and then I realized that that would be too easy. Nothing is ever that easy for me. Nothing.

Sure enough, I get in the shower and lather my hair with shampoo when my heart starts taking off on a mad race and beating hard as well. So I quickly rinsed my hair and jumped out of the shower without conditioning or shaving. I stood stock-still and took slow deep breaths and was able to slow my pulse down rather quickly without having to resort to the beta-blockers.

I’m glad I was able to stop it so soon but I am very disappointed. Even if my logic told me that nothing should be this easy, especially if you’re me, it is still very discouraging. It makes me fear that the more the 75s build up in my system, the more problems I will have. So now I am not only afraid to work out when Tom is not home, but now I’m afraid to shower when he is not home. :(

I’m documenting everything that happens and when it happens for my doctor. I just hope there is nothing else going on with me that has been overlooked, though I doubt it. A part of me wishes my endo was reading my blog regularly, but unless she is set up to dodge tracking, nobody in my area is following me, and nobody is that curious about their patient anyway, LOL.

The good thing is that I don’t feel jittery or any negative emotions nor have I had the runs. Thank goodness I wasn’t on the bike at the time. Tom wonders if the hot shower simply shocked my system since it’s chilly again. I doubt it. The water wasn’t that hot, and if that were the case this would have happened for years. Dr. O said this can happen if you don’t have enough thyroid hormone in your body or if you have too much of it. Well, I certainly don’t have too much of it. Not even close. So I guess this is due to a lack of it. The only question is why I haven’t had this problem for years? My thyroid didn’t crap out on me the day before they diagnosed me with Hashimoto’s. It was a slow, gradual decline that took years. I just hope it doesn’t get worse as my TSH gets lower. As she explained, if I have a pocket of activity in the thyroid, that can cause this. But again, why since last summer and not long before? sighs warily I guess these things are destined to haunt me for the rest of my life. :(

At least I slept better last night. I woke up a few times as usual but was able to go right back to sleep. I dreamed that I was walking down the road in which a penny sat upon every so many yards. I seemed to believe they were used as markers for a movie that was being made.

In another dream, I was moving from somewhere and I asked a young black guy to store my things for me and his shed so that I would have more room to pack stuff up. Eventually, I gave him a couple of folding chairs but right as he was about to put them in his shed I stopped him and said, ”Never mind. I have plenty of room for those chairs.”

Later…

I first want to thank each and every one of my fellow Hashimoto followers who have been reading me and sharing their experiences with me on various blogging sites. Your stories, support and encouragement mean a lot to me, and I am glad if anything I can say helps others as well. Hugs to you all!

Except for that quick “shower beat down” I feel fine. Just a little tired and discouraged. Tom is so sure that in just a matter of months, I’ll be healthier than I have been in the last decade, and I have been pretty healthy since I quit smoking in 1997. I hope he’s right! My sister says that too, once my body adjusts to the new dose. He said he was 75% sure that it was the shower and going from cold to hot. As he pointed out, things change with time and so our bodies may react in ways they didn’t react years ago. Even my thyroid alone is deader than it was a year ago. Well, I sure wish those bastard antibodies would finish killing it off completely so I don’t have to worry about pocket flares!

I totally forgot about how the doctor mentioned that while it’s unlikely, there could be something else going on that we don’t know about. I sure hope that’s not the case! That’s the reason I have Tom go in with me; because he remembers what I’m too wound up to remember myself. But yeah, she said that if I ever have a racing heart that doesn’t stop even with the beta-blocker, call her right away and she’ll get me in for blood work. Then they will determine if an MRI is necessary to see if anything else is going on. Again, I really, really hope that’s not the case! I have learned way more than I ever wanted to about the endocrine system, and I don’t want to ever have to learn about some whole new disease until it’s my time to go. Well, at 49 I’m far from ready to go.

I hope Tom is also right and that I will one day once again be able to go out alone running or biking without being afraid. We always prefer to work out together no matter what, but sometimes our schedules and other things come up and prevent him from going with me. I miss being out there in the middle of the night when all is dead and peaceful, especially during the warmer weather. But the last thing I want is to be a mile away from home at three in the morning when my heart decides to play with me. If I’m working out and then it starts racing, it doubles the speed of the racing. Then if anything causes me to panic I triple it and I certainly don’t want to do that. Sure do miss it, though. I got to know every crack and chip in these roads. I could run ‘em blindfolded.

I almost feel like something up there is preventing me from fully enjoying my home AND the park, but I am determined to beat it at its own twisted game whether that’s the case or not! Still, where it was mostly money problems in Auburn, it’s health problems here… even if this shit disease probably began in my late 30s to early 40s.

It isn’t all bad though, because my metabolism seems to have speeded up a bit. Not much but just a little.

Along with a $500 bill for cutting out my ingrown toenail, my wall sticker silhouette of a figure skater arrived and I placed it on the wall opposite the entry to the kitchen. Another bigger one is on its way and it’s going opposite the laundry room door.

We were talking about how we’re paying ourselves interest instead of the loan people by taking out loans from the 401K, paying ourselves back, and thus giving us more money for retirement in the end.

We still have many home improvements we want to do along the way, and Tom said he wondered why some toilets flush faster than others and so he did some research. It has to do with the size of the tube that the flap is attached to. Ours flushes super slow and even Andy noticed that and said he’s never seen a toilet flush like that before. Well, that’s because the tube is really skinny. If you want a fast-flushing toilet that does a better job of flushing everything down, you need a fatter tube that dumps the water into the toilet bowl faster. So that’s something we’ll definitely look for when it comes time to replace these toilets.

MONDAY, APRIL 20, 2015 While I’m thrilled to say there haven’t been any anxiety issues, going through menopause really sucks shit big time. I fell asleep just after midnight last night and woke up at 4:30. It took me two hours to finally fall back asleep, and I had to take a Benadryl to help me get there after Tom verified online that it would not be a problem with my other meds. I ended up getting up two hours later than expected.

I thought my heart was going to start racing before I fell asleep and then as I was trying to fall back asleep this morning, but luckily for me I was okay. Right now I still feel relaxed enough, though tired. It would be a wonderful waste of money if I never needed that beta-blocker, but it still wouldn't surprise me if sooner or later my heart acted up and I need the rescue pills to come to the rescue. It's like having the bad heart that isn't, and like having my health decline even though I am the same healthy person that I have been for well over a decade so long as there are no medication issues.

I hate how perimenopause is really messing with my sleep. While it may be better to have annoying and frustrating problems than scary ones, it still sucks. I want to do something about it so that I stop waking up so damn often, but I also don't want to add yet another appointment to my already too-long list of appointments. Most of the time I fall back asleep, but lately I am having more days where I am unable to and so I end up lying there for hours. If it weren’t for that, then menopause wouldn't be that big a deal. At least not yet. A little bit of going from warm to cold, prolonged PMS and delayed periods, but that's about it other than the sleeping issues. I should know by the first if my May 7th period is going to be late.

In happier news, Andy is surprising me with something he promises I will love that he ordered online. This is to help take my mind off the medical stuff. Isn’t that just so damn sweet of him?

Also, my good buddy Aly who just turned 34, let me know she’s just a text or a tweet away if I need anything. That is really sweet of her. I appreciate having such a wonderful support system.

I am keeping in touch with my sister as well, and Tom offered to come home earlier if need be, but since I feel okay there’s no point in having him leave early.

Irene says Nane hasn’t posted anything to her wall since January, and that she hasn’t heard from her since October. She is ignoring all her messages. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but a part of me feels bad because I wonder if it has to do with me. Nane knows we’re friends after all. Irene assured me that all was okay because she has enough friends, and I let her know that I would always be her friend.

Either way, she cracks me up when we chat live or she writes to me with the way she mixes English with her German. Or tries to anyway. If I didn’t know this much German it would be very hard to communicate with her because her English is so limited.

Still hear from Mitch and Christine at times, but I rarely hear from Adonis and Eileen.

SUNDAY, APRIL 19, 2015 Still no problems with the new medication dosage – yay! I’m not out of the woods yet, though. Far from it. It took 2.5 months to be a problem the first time I was on the 75s. I feel amazingly relaxed so far and if that’s the Prozac talking, fine. As long as I feel better! I am a bit nervous at the prospect of being alone tomorrow, though.

I woke up warm a few times last night and for a minute there I was worried my heart was out of control again, but I was fine once I pushed the covers off of me and cooled off. Really wish memory foam hadn’t been invented, but I know that part of the waking up and being overheated was the menopause.

Went for a short, slow bike ride and had no problems there either.

Sometimes we ask ourselves why a certain thing is the way it is and we draw a complete blank. They don’t know for sure why some people get certain diseases any more than we know why most fears and phobias can eventually be overcome while most of us still have one or two that we just can’t seem to kick out of our lives. Why has driving always terrified me? I have never been in a car accident of any serious kind. Maybe in a past life? Not sure I believe in “past lives,” though.

I once asked a therapist if I should keep trying to push myself to get past this particular fear. She said I did right by trying to overcome it the half a dozen or so times I tried to, but after so many tries it’s best to accept that it’s just part of who I am, we all have fears of some kind or another, and pushing myself too much on such a thing could only put my life as well as the lives of others in danger. I agree. The last thing I would want to do was panic on the road and kill myself and God knows who else. Besides, I’ve made it this far in life on foot, bikes, buses, and my husband’s car, so why change what works?

I could probably overcome my fear of spiders by getting a pet tarantula and my fear of open heights by going bungee jumping or something like that, but the driving one is mine to keep, like it or not, and Tom and I are ok with that. Even if some others might not be despite the fact that it doesn’t affect or pertain to them. If I ever need a ride from anyone in the park here, I will make sure they are reimbursed by way of either cash or a favor.

I couldn’t help but feel a spark of hope and even excitement over something he read that suggests they may soon have the answer to solving my type of sleep issues. They’re always doing experiments to find cures for things, as we know, and instead of the timing of when lights go on and off in order to help promote sleep at the proper times, they’re finding that color matters more than time. Switching the light to blue at night seems to help. Will have to look into it more as it is tested and hopefully developed enough so I can maybe get on schedule and get out there and work at least part-time even if it’s not financially necessary for me to do so with all he makes. That will be MY decision, though, when and if I am ever cured. Not society’s and not what’s “in” or “normal” or “acceptable” for a woman in the year 20-whatever.

With my shit luck, though, I’ll be cured when I’m too old to work. The rolling of the schedule has at least slowed down a bit due to age. I used to sleep 10-12 hours fairly often, but now I rarely do. I’ve been sleeping the average 8 hours. If I could get it down to 6-7 that’d help a lot.

I’ve lost thousands and thousands of dollars due to not being able to work cuz of this shit, and couldn’t qualify for disability cuz I am married, but mostly because I didn’t work enough when I was younger to qualify. It’s a totally twisted system. If one is disabled, they should get benefits whether they’ve worked a little, none at all, are married or single. But that’s one of the few things about modern-day marriages they still consider as “joint,” even though these days there is so, so much separatism within most marriages. But just like they wouldn’t give me food stamps if I had a shitty paying job thanks to Tom making good money, they wouldn’t give me disability with all he makes either. The biggest thing, though, is how little I worked in the past. It’s like that with unemployment too; the more you work, the more you qualify for. But disability should be different. At least I think they oughta change the laws on that. Especially when we have doctors that could vouch for us.

Went to KFC yesterday and ended up walking out after no one would take our order. Part of that was because they were understaffed and the stupid kid that was dealing with orders had to correct some mistakes he made.

So we walked around the corner to Little Caesars and ordered a small pizza, half mushroom for me, half pepperoni for him. He thought his was so good that he ate too much too fast and got an upset stomach. I had a dream he threw up, but he never did, so that’s good. I can’t usually eat more than two slices at once.

I dreamed I was out walking someplace when I heard some other woman telling some people who had gathered about a crime she witnessed. I noticed that the criminal, another woman, was in the audience listening. “She’s so dead now for ratting her out,” I said to myself.

I might’ve had another dream revolving around water. I don’t know if it was a lake or an ocean but I was in the water telling someone how much I’d love to live on a houseboat in Hawaii someday.

SATURDAY, APRIL 18, 2015 Someone was quick to remind me that whether or not there is a God up there, nothing is singling me out and picking on my health. After all, everybody gets something sooner or later. So if I were really being punished then nobody else would have any disease or health issues. Yeah, yeah I know, but it still sucks just the same until I get my body to tolerate the proper dose of thyroid meds.

So far, so good. I took 5 mg of Prozac last night and it didn’t put me in a fog or anything like that. I might’ve had a slightly dry mouth and that was it. It’s just a temporary aid to take the edge off my anxiety while my thyroid meds are being worked out. Not something I’ll be on indefinitely. Unless I need anxiety meds for menopause or anything else, I hope to be taking just my thyroid meds by the fall and maybe – maybe – statins. We’re hoping that lowering my TSH will get me out of having to take statins. Doc O said the Prozac can take 2 weeks to really work at which time I shouldn’t, and therefore hopefully won’t, notice any changes for the worse.

My first dose of 75 mcg of levothyroxine for this round began at 8am. If I can get past 4pm I’ll be a little more hopeful. Last time I made it to 8 hours and was just about to think I might be ok when a “heart attack” got me. The beta-blocker is on hand if my heart takes off on a run. As I told Tom, I’d prefer for that not to happen, but if it does, I hope he’s here so I can take the blocker with him around and not have to go it alone in case of adverse reactions. It’s a lot less scary to have any kind of a crisis with someone around versus when you’re all alone like when the first episode hit me last July.

My only complaint so far today, which really isn’t a complaint, is that I’m a little tired. Probably cuz I had such a stressful week. I definitely do feel more relaxed than one would think I should feel considering what happened the last two times I was on the 75s. Tom thinks it’s going to work out this time, not just because of the tools I have on hand to help with “beat downs” this time around, but because they started me on 25s and then I was on the 50s longer, so my body had more time to get acclimated. The first time I was started on 50s and jumped to 75s in less than 3 months.

For now… we’re going to KFC and hoping for the best!

FRIDAY, APRIL 17, 2015 Andy said his mother gets along very well with David’s wife and their daughter and she will basically ignore David while she’s there. She must still be really disappointed to have to return to that climate. She must also be grateful that she at least has several people with whom she can stay, even if she might not get along with all of them. Who could we ever stay with?

Although Andy did wish me luck with the second appointment, I’m not surprised he told me he just skims the medical stuff in my journal because he doesn’t like to read medical stuff when he eats. But none of the medical stuff I’ve ever written is gory. I think it’s just because he’s not interested. He is as insensitive as he is compassionate. He has all the bleeding heart in the world for blacks when they were slaves, but no compassion whatsoever for people like Robin Williams.

I am both fearful and hopeful for tomorrow. My fear is also turning to anger because I am sick to death of having to wake up and wonder if I will feel okay or if something scary will happen. I’m tired of fighting to get my body to tolerate the medication it needs. I’d still rather the symptoms of not enough thyroid hormone than any insane effects like I was having months ago, but it sure would be nice if I could have my cake and eat it too, by treating this disease properly without feeling like shit along away.

The key is to stop worrying and questioning every little thing I feel. It’s a lot easier said than done at times, but like the doctor herself agreed, ignorance is sometimes bliss. She wouldn’t even go over the possible side effects of the new meds with me other than the obvious… Sluggishness. Hopefully, I won’t have to live in a fog in order to tolerate the medicine that my body needs. That was my fear of seeing a shrink like my old doctor recommended. I didn’t want to become a zombie just to get healthier. I do want to treat the anxiety, however.

So tonight I begin the new chill pill and then tomorrow it’s up to 75 mcgs. Fingers crossed!

My dreams are turning negative again and I really hope that’s not a bad sign right there. It sure could be for Charlotte, though. I had two dreams in which I was told she was “missing.” Natalie was one of the informants. It was nighttime and I was running along a path that threaded its way between some buildings. There were lots of trees and shrubbery along the way and I’m guessing they may have been apartment buildings or condos or something like that.

I spotted Natalie sitting just outside her door. The light beside her door illuminated her just enough for me to recognize her. I stopped, doubled back, jogged up to her, and said “Natalie? Is that you?” She looked up at me and I said, “It’s me, Jodi.”

In another dream, I might have been telling somebody that I had no place to live and nothing to eat. Not a very happy dream at all.

THURSDAY, APRIL 16, 2015 The night before last I had rather unpleasant dreams. One dealt with us being tight financially, and the other dealt with being dragged back to court on account of the blacks. I was sitting in a room at a huge table with several others. I spotted a manila envelope on the table with several names on it, mine being included. It was the supposed evidence against me. I opened the envelope and poured out its contents onto the table. One of the things I remember being present was a Post-it pad.

I assured the others that there was no way in hell I would be railroaded again. There would be no jail. There would be no probation. There would be no nothing.

Andy told me his mother is moving back to Massachusetts because she’s not getting along with Linda here in California and there’s no room for her at Marla’s house. According to Andy, Linda, David and Gary are hard to live with. Yet she is going to live with David in Springfield. Why go from one person that’s hard to live with to another that’s hard to live with? And why not go to Andy? He’s always home. On the other hand, I’m sure most would agree that Andy is very hard to live with. He’s very hard to please, and given his selfish ways, he’s not usually willing to compromise.

Kind of hurt that he never asked about my appointment, quite unlike Aly, but again, that’s just the way he is. For a guy who prefers to hear mostly happy things, he sure does read an awful lot of news.

Later…

Today’s appointment was quite simple compared to yesterday’s. My toe is healing nicely and “Amanda Knox” said that hopefully, I will be in the 90% as far as any unwanted regrowth goes, but to let her know if there are any future problems. I call her Amanda Knox because it hit me today that that’s exactly who she looks like. The only difference with this Amanda is that she is way too skinny and has a gap between her front teeth.

I really thought once I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism that it would be a simple matter of taking a pill every day and forgetting about it. I had no idea it would be such a complex ordeal with such horrible and scary problems along the way. I just really hope to hell that the additional medication she gave me will help me tolerate the higher doses of levothyroxine.

I think I might have gotten some names wrong in my last entry. The Fluoxetine is the chill pill I’ll be taking daily which is basically Prozac. The medication I will take as needed if the thyroid meds make my heart race is called Atenolol.

I forget which one it is but one of these drugs makes teens and young adults kill themselves, so they don’t give it to young people. Contrary to some people’s beliefs, some medications really CAN make a person commit suicide. It’s not about them being spoiled and one day saying to themselves, “I’ve got it all, but eh, I think I’ll just throw it all away today for the hell of it.” No one in their right mind does that.

I was also wrong in saying my endo has nearly 20 years of experience when it’s actually nearly 28 years of experience. I have already corrected that.

Tammy confirmed that yes, she not only has to take statins but our parents and brother did, too. So it’s a family thing. My primary doctor wants me on low doses of statins every other day, but I want to wait until my next blood test, which will be before I see my endo again in June.

Meanwhile, the fluoxetine starts tomorrow night and then the higher dose of thyroid meds starts on Saturday morning. Yes, I am still scared shitless. I really need to see that these new tools that the doc has given me help before I actually believe. Not saying she doesn’t know what she’s doing. It’s just that for me, seeing is believing when it comes to such scary things. Had the problems I had been annoying, like the hair loss I’ve had, that would’ve been one thing. But feeling like you’re going to have a heart attack is a whole ‘nother story.

That’s another thing I got wrong. Yes, the levothyroxine does cause hair loss, but only at first. She says I’m still losing hair because my TSH is too high, which she shocked the shit out of me by saying she’s seen as high as over 900 in some people.

I’m just getting really tired of living in fear. Whether something up there is picking on me for reasons I’ll never know, or this is all just random chance, I am so, so sick of having to worry. I miss the days when I wasn’t so scared of what might happen. Oh, I’ve had stress in the past, but this is a whole new level of fear and anxiety that is really hard to live with, especially when I’m alone. Tom is going to make a point of leaving work earlier depending on my schedule, and hopefully, that will help until I get settled into whatever and also get my hormones checked to see how much of this anxiety may be caused by menopause setting in. Worst case scenario I have to remain on 50 mcg even if that’s not enough to get my thyroid up to optimal levels.

Using part coding and park electronics, Tom made this really cool motion sensor that changes color given how close you are to it. What we want to do is make our color-changing tape light more flexible as far as what it can do, when and how. It’s in the hall to replace the nightlight we have plugged in there and I like how it lights the way for us when we walk by, but it doesn’t need to stay on a whole two minutes after we’ve passed through the hallway. That will be one of the things he’ll change.

Got some nice little goodies along the way, which helps to balance out the worrisome parts of life. I really like my glow-in-the-dark yellow neon nail polish. I also like the latest erotic bronze statue I got, plus the things I got at Target today.

The idea was to look for new sleeveless dresses now that the weather is warming up, but I didn’t find anything I liked. Instead, I got a nice necklace with gold loops and a set of decorative lighters for the incense I shouldn’t be burning with the mess it can make. Love incense, though!

I have a couple more silhouette wall stickers on the way of figure skaters.

After Target we grabbed a couple of insanely greasy slices of pizza at Sam’s Club, and then we picked up our prescriptions.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 15, 2015 My appointment with my endo was both enlightening and complex. I will try to remember all the details with as much accuracy as I can. She explained to me how my TSH and cholesterol levels could be up when nothing in my life has changed, but I’m not sure I get it. Tom understood because he is better at numbers. Basically, there isn’t much difference between a TSH of 13 versus 21 as far as doctors are concerned and the numbers aren’t as precise as I thought they were. Still, I need to be somewhere under 10.

She said the problem is that I’ve been blaming all my symptoms on my thyroid and neither that nor the medication are the only factors in my case. She wants me to treat the anxiety as well as the thyroid. She believes my anxiety can also be due to the trauma of what happened last year as well as menopause setting in, which does make sense. I described my symptoms to her (the anxiety, going from hot to cold, waking up a lot during my sleep) and she wants me to schedule an appointment at the behavioral clinic so that they can test my hormones to see what else can be done to ease my anxiety. I swear these appointments are like cockroaches! One breeds another and another and another… Still, I should be appointment-free till June after tomorrow because that’s when my endo wants to see me again, and she said it usually takes months to get into the behavioral clinic. IDK, maybe my old doctor was right and I need a shrink or something, LOL. She did say that every one out of five people suffers from anxiety. I’ve always been a bit of an anxious person; it’s just never been this bad. I fear exercising will elevate my heart too much and I’m sometimes even afraid to be left alone. Not like I was a few months ago, but still, this is no way to live. I’m simply not ok with not feeling well. Some days are better than others, of course, when I feel like my old self.

She had me swallow while she “strangled” me and my thyroid isn’t enlarged. I held out my hands as instructed as well. No jitters. So that much is good.

She said anxiety can be caused by too little of the thyroid hormone as well as too much of it. Then she said what I both feared and knew she would say… I need to go up to 75mcgs, probably even 100. Only this time she has provided me with a heart medication of sorts (Fluoxetine) that is supposed to tame the body’s adrenaline and help keep my heart from racing. Gosh, I hope so!

She also prescribed Prozac to take as needed. She said I could take that or the lorazepam I still have in order to take the edge off my anxiety if my anxiety levels go up. The adrenaline tamer is something I will have to take every day.

I thought that the medication was what was causing my hair to fall out, but she says it’s actually because there is not enough thyroid hormone in my body. It is also why my skin is dry and I have water retention. My weight wasn’t up like I expected it to be, though. I was actually down a pound.

I asked her if there were any particular foods or natural remedies I can take to help either my thyroid or my cholesterol and she said no, although she agrees that backing off of foods like eggs would help my cholesterol. My cholesterol mostly went up because of my thyroid crashing on me, and they also suspect I might have a defective gene running in my family so it’s a genetic thing as well. I asked Tammy if she or anyone else in our immediate family took medication for cholesterol that she knew of when they were alive. She hasn’t checked in on Facebook in a few days. Hopefully, she’s just busy and not sick. Doc A wants me back on statins every other day, but we’re going to wait till Doc O confers with her first to see if we should start that right away or hold off for now. I don’t want to take on too much too soon. I already feel greatly overwhelmed as it is.

The doctor stressed my need to treat both the thyroid and anxiety, as I said, and asked if I had suicidal thoughts since some conditions can cause such thoughts along with certain life events and medications, but fortunately, I have not had that. I sure wonder what my purpose is in life at times, though. Despite that, my life is actually wonderful aside from this thyroid, menopause and anxiety shit. In fact, it would be damn near perfect if I just didn’t have these issues to deal with. She said that much was good because she would want to know about it right away so that they could deal with it properly and help me to feel better, but hopefully, I’ll never have suicidal thoughts. What would help me to feel better is being able to take the amount of thyroid medication that my individual body needs without severe anxiety. I really hope that the stuff she prescribed to help keep my heart from racing is going to help make the higher doses more tolerable, but I would be a total liar if I said I wasn’t scared shitless because I am. She tells me I worry too much and tend to overanalyze things and she is correct. But sometimes telling myself everything will be okay and I don’t have to worry isn’t always so easy, even though she assures me I’m not in danger and it can’t kill me. She said she has been treating people for nearly 28 years and has never killed anybody yet. That’s good, LOL.

So I pretty much laid it all out on the table so she would have as much info as she could about me that may help her help me in a more efficient manner… my ear, my sleep disorder, the screwy periods, waking up a lot, anxiety, racing heart, going from warm to cold, etc.

I’m sure there are more details that have slipped my mind, but the main thing is hoping that I can up my dose in a way that’s not going to make me feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest. Let’s hope to hell this adrenaline/heart stuff she gave me will help. The plan is to start it on Friday, then start the 75s on Saturday when Tom will be home.

After the doctor, we grabbed lunch at Carl’s, then hit the nearby Goodwill in search of any goodies. He didn’t find anything, but I found a couple of cute figurines. One is a bright green porcelain ballerina fairy, and another is a tiny black doll that’s pretty realistic looking. She wears a molded magenta dress with a blue hem and a bright pink sweater. She also has a magenta hat.

Tomorrow I will see the foot doctor to check my toe, which I think will be fine, and then Tom and I will both pick up our prescriptions. We are going to do a little shopping after that at Sam’s to get some things we need.

TUESDAY, APRIL 14, 2015 Survived yesterday’s 10-hour water outage, even though I didn’t feel so great for most of the morning. I am a little nervous about being left alone today, but I think I’ll feel more relaxed the later it gets.

I’m not surprised that Jodi Arias got life, even though I think the death penalty would’ve been most appropriate. I don’t see why it had to take two hours to sentence the crazy bitch either. I thought victim impact statements had already been given. Besides, the judge knew what sentence she was going to impose long before the statements were even given, so nothing they could have said, as true and as heart-wrenching as it may have been, would have changed anything. I know how judges are… Once they make up their minds, that’s it. They’re very stubborn individuals who are very hard to persuade.

The sheriff promised some kind of grand documentation of the seven years Jodi was in Estrella jail (after contradicting himself by saying that her so-called 15 minutes of fame was over), and while I’m sure it would make for an interesting read, I’m not sure how much of it will be authentic. People often lie and exaggerate when writing about those they dislike. It’s human nature. You know, sort of like the media? Yesterday was a good example of that when they said that Jodi stopped talking, turned, then supposedly glared at a baby who cried out in court. Well, I didn’t see any glare present on Jodi’s face. I think she was just distracted and turned to glance behind her out of curiosity. I would be kind of curious myself. After all, courtrooms aren’t exactly the place to bring a baby.

They spoke of Perryville as being an awful place, and while it most certainly is no joyful place to be and I would rather be dead than spend the rest of my life there, I can personally say that it is going to be a lot better than Estrella. She is going to have a lot more freedom and options. Not at first, though. They usually start them in solitary for the first six months or so, and if you prefer to be alone as opposed to with a cellmate to keep you company, then that’s quite an ideal set-up right there. Many inmates will beg mercilessly and will not shut up.

She’ll be bored, depressed and lonely, but the food and many other things are going to be better. If she is ever in general population we can hope somebody shanks her, but jails and prisons usually aren’t quite what they are on TV.

Last night I had a dream that I was in a huge and crowded room where a dinner party was held in which the president was present. Only the president was a stout black woman in her 50s. I was talking to her with somebody else and they were talking about their weight. I said, ”Mine can’t be lost mostly due to a dead thyroid, but I don’t mind being a little voluptuous as long as it doesn’t get worse.”

At one point the president gave me a hug for being there and then I asked her if I could get my camera and find somebody to take a picture of us. She said I could, so I went back to my table for two in search of my little pink camera. I started to worry it was stolen at first, but a few seconds later I noticed it wedged in between the condiments. I snatched it up and then went in search of somebody to take the picture for us but I couldn’t find anybody I knew.

In another dream, I was talking with a really attractive redheaded woman who was speaking German, though I don’t remember what she said. As we spoke in German, another woman asked yet another woman how long it would take her to learn English. She told her it would take about 2 to 3 years.

Later…

Ever want to scream and shout and punch things? That’s how I felt for a while and now all I want to do is just cry and cry and cry.

My primary care doctor’s nurse called to tell me that not only are my cholesterol and thyroid numbers too high, but they’re even higher than the last time! Nothing has changed in my life, though. Nothing. I still try to limit treats to weekends, I have been watching my cholesterol, I have been exercising, and I take my medication daily. So what the fuck is going on?

My TSH is up to 21 (no wonder I’ve been gaining weight even if it’s just a few pounds), my total cholesterol is 287, and my LDL (bad cholesterol) is 203. According to online charts, that is considered very high for my age group, and a risk to my heart, which is already at risk thanks to heart disease running rampant and my family. I wonder if some of the things I’ve felt lately are connected to that. I have a list of notes to ask the doctor tomorrow.

The nurse said the doctor will decide what to do based on how tomorrow’s appointment with my endo doc goes.

I am just so fucking pissed, scared and frustrated! I can’t take more than 50mcgs of levothyroxine without the killer anxiety and racy heart, so I feel like I am totally stuck either way. I know they can bring the numbers down to where they need to be, but how the hell can they do it without me feeling like I’m going to die while they’re at it???

A part of me is tempted to just say fuck it and give up on my health completely. But I feel like I would suffer either way. I will suffer if I try to treat this and I will suffer if I don’t. Tom said not to jump the gun and that maybe there are options we don’t know about, but I think that if they were out there we would know about them. Oh well, I’m going to die someday anyway no matter what happens in the end. Right now I am too distraught to do anything but cry and whine and worry my ass off.

MONDAY, APRIL 13, 2015 Yesterday was a fun and annoying day. No, the annoyance didn’t have anything to do with landscaping or somebody running power tools. Instead, the park did something they never did before in the whole time we’ve lived here and I hope they never do again. They had a live band playing which could be heard in the house. I couldn’t believe it. I just couldn’t fucking believe it. This is a retirement community, not a vacation resort!

I was lounging in bed reading when I first heard base thumping and thought somebody had driven into the park with loud music and parked behind the house. That’s when I remembered that it said in the newsletter that they were going to have a picnic and a live band today, but I assumed that the band would be indoors. They played behind the pool which is quite a ways away from our house, so that should tell you how loud it was. Even Tom, who’s a lot more tolerant to noise than I am, agreed that it was way too loud for the park. You couldn’t hear much of it in the living room, but you could hear it in the bedrooms. I felt like I was in Phoenix all over again next to the welfare bums who loved to sit outside blasting car stereos while they played basketball barely an arm’s length away from the wall of our house. Well, I didn’t come here for that shit. The daily landscaping is annoying enough, with traffic being runner-up. I hate it when people force their activities on me like that. I don’t make anybody listen to my shit, so it would be nice to have the same respect in return. On the other hand, if I ever did want to blast my music, nobody would mind as long as it was in the daytime.

Another park pisser is that today is the day the water is going to be turned off from 9 AM to 7 PM. Really, REALLY hope this is it as far as these water games go. If they were smart they would have done it right the first time around even if that meant having to turn the water off all day so they could fix the whole park at once. Having to turn the water off for a few hours a dozen or so times a year could have been avoided.

The garden tub is full for flushing toilets and we have plenty of bottled water. I wonder if they’re going to tear up any of the streets near our place?

I slept a little better last night, though I’m surprised I didn’t sleep eight hours. Close enough, though. Today I have a bit of a sinus headache and allergies because I have been slacking off on my allergy spray. Gotta remember to take that at least every other day.

I ordered some neon yellow glow-in-the-dark nail polish from Amazon with my survey savings.

Damn heart of mine acted up again a little while ago. :( It started booming, I felt warm, had to do a #2, then I felt chilled, then had the partial runs, then still felt chilled and slightly short of breath. Could it be connected to menopause? Thyroid pocket flare? Upcoming doctor appointment jitters?

Tom thinks I am just nervous about the water going off today and my two upcoming appointments this week. Well, the water going off can’t hurt me, but I am a little worried about the appointments, especially the blood work and the endo doc.

SUNDAY, APRIL 12, 2015 Andy and I were talking about what’s acceptable to us versus what’s not acceptable as far as friends and family go. I totally agree and understand how he says that he’s willing to put up with phony people in the workplace, but not in his personal life. As I told him, as soon as Person A decides to crack insults over my ear, and Person B thinks they have the right to insult and make fun of my fears or phobias, and Person C thinks it's their place to tell me that I'm wrong for liking wall stickers and rats, I’m gone. There’s nothing I can’t stand more than one who expects everybody else to tolerate and accept them as they are without judgment or criticism, then who turns around and hypocritically picks on and condemns others that are different than they are. Picking on people who rape, beat and murder is one thing, but picking on someone simply for their lifestyle, preferences, tastes, fears, appearance and beliefs is another.

It isn’t that I would go running and bawl my eyes out over somebody who insulted my appearance and cry myself through a box of Kleenex or two; it’s the principle of the point. Any person who could or would do that to me or to anyone else, well, that pretty much tells me something about the person they are and I wouldn’t want people like that in my life. Without influencing him one way or the other, I reminded him that he has a right to pick and choose who remains in his life and who doesn’t.

I didn’t know this but I guess Andy didn’t communicate with some of his family members for three years. This was during the time we weren’t connected. He feels they are not supportive of him, consider him a burden and an annoyance, and also consider his hobbies stupid and immature. Technically his imaginary band tour would be considered immature by most people, but it isn’t harming anybody. It’s not like he can’t distinguish reality from fantasy.

Still, the guy is annoyingly immature at times so I can understand their reasoning as far as that goes. He’s a 53-year-old guy acting like a teenager. His immaturity comes out in much of what he says and does, and even in some of the pictures he posts. Personality-wise, he really is no different than he was 20 years ago.

This sleeping shitty really does need to stop. Definitely going to mention that and this very heavy and crampy period to my doctor and see if there’s a connection to either menopause or my medication. Tom read that they can either get heavier or lighter as menopause sets in, and I did skip last month so it could be making up for lost time, so to speak.

Last night really sucked because I not only kept waking up, but I couldn’t fall back asleep for a couple of hours at one point. I took a Benadryl to help me get back to sleep. I don’t feel well-rested at all. If this becomes a regular thing it could really take my schedule issues to a whole new level that wouldn’t be any fun at all. I just can’t get my body to stay asleep and sleep straight through those eight hours I usually sleep.

Tom and I went to Walmart earlier, and as always, before we got to the groceries I checked out both smelly stuff and nail stuff. Tried a couple of flowery testers and then I discovered Revlon’s transforming effects. I didn’t buy any of it because I wanted to research it first. Looks good. So does the scented nail polish they also now have. Will have to try some next time. Might get some neon-colored glow-in-the-dark nail polish on Amazon.

I was looking at a picture of Marie’s latest girlfriend, Lori. What a butchie-looking lady. I’m kind of surprised, too. I’ve always known her to be with feminine women before.

SATURDAY, APRIL 11, 2015 The blood has been drawn and the numbers are in. Just gotta hope those numbers are good! They drew 3 vials for 3 tests… cholesterol, TSH and T3. They were much friendlier and did a much better job, too. Tina was able to draw blood on the first shot.

The only sucky thing was that it was a longer drive and a longer wait. I had to wait over a half-hour; some of the time listening to this brat scream out at random, startling me and making me wonder why its mother allowed for it. Does anyone teach their kids manners and respect these days? Anyone at all?

They also had it utterly freezing in there. It was still in the 50s outside yet they had their AC blasting. Their thermostat said it was 66° in the place. Brrr!

So after the vamp, we grabbed breakfast at McDonald’s, which was just so-so. I got one of those breakfast platters. I was absolutely famished because I had been fasting since getting up 10 hours earlier.

Then we got home, Tom returned to work, and I touched base with my sister on Facebook.

They were paving some of the roads by the office, so we noticed, and I really hope they don’t do the roads around here anytime soon. They don’t seem like they need it, and that would be a very long and loud project to have to deal with. That’s not something they can do in just a few hours.

With my period in full swing and not eating much all day, I fell asleep a little early. Sure enough, I slept shitty. I kept waking up every hour or two either because I was too warm, too crampy, or just because. I don’t know if this has to do with menopause or my medication, but I will mention it to the doctor when I see her on Wednesday. The good thing is that I usually feel rested enough when I finally do get up.

Thanks to all the overtime Tom’s been working, we treated ourselves to a little bonus on Amazon, at his insistence. He got some electronics-related things and I got six decorative light plates to put throughout the house, plus another bronze erotic mini statute to add to my collection.

FRIDAY, APRIL 10, 2015 Tom’s going to work this Saturday, so I am fasting now and going to a different lab this morning instead of tomorrow. He’s going to leave work for a few hours today in order to take me to the lab and then take us both out for lunch. Luckily his being the boss allows him less flexibility.

Whether or not this new lab we’re going to try has any rude vamps like that Asian bitch, I don’t know that they’ll have an easier time drawing blood for me since my veins are still tiny. You would think that they would have some way to deal with people like me. I mean they draw blood from kids, don’t they? Either way, I just hope the cholesterol and TSH numbers are down!

Tom and I were laughing about the entry I did about how embarrassed I was to start my period when I was just 9 years old and how things that are such a big deal to us when we’re kids are shit we laugh at when we get older. Those few extra pounds I’m okay with keeping these days… I would never in a million years be okay with when I was 20 years old. These days I prefer food to hunger, although I was a lot less hungry when I was younger. Sure seemed that way anyway. If they come up with a magic pill without side effects in my lifetime, maybe I’ll go for it but until then… I eat when I’m hungry and work out 4 to 5 days a week.

Still sleeping kind of shitty but I feel rested enough. Just one hour into my sleep I awoke with a nightmare. Our house looked totally different. I was in the bedroom making the bed when I heard an old-fashioned phone ring in the kitchen. I looked at the clock and found that it was evening, and figured that it was unlikely to be a sales call since it was getting kind of late. So I answered and it was Tom. He was working late and sounded a little funny, almost like there were two Toms saying different things at once. ”Who are you talking to?” I asked.

”You,” He said.

Then it was light outside and I stepped out of the kitchen and into the living room, which didn’t seem to have any walls. Also, next door’s driveway was literally right outside the place and I saw two young guys in their 20s or 30s that I knew to be visiting them. I caught a glimpse of one walking down their driveway for a split second before he went out of view. Then I turned to walk back into the kitchen when I saw the other guy standing in the middle of it. “WTF?” I shouted, then I woke up telling Tom to call the police. The idea was to have him call for help while I went after the guy, but unfortunately, I woke up before I got to kick his ass.

THURSDAY, APRIL 9, 2015 Norma once again shared an article about black people who were wrongly convicted of a crime. It’s sad that she, along with so many others, seems to only care when they’re black.

I shared a story of a white woman who was also wrongly convicted, in hopes of reminding people that police corruption and legal injustice happen to ALL races and not to be fooled just because the media chooses to focus on one group nowadays.

Another unarmed black guy was shot dead by a cop, which someone filmed and gave to the media. Naturally, the media is painting a rosy picture of the black guy. If he was so innocent, then why was he running instead of complying with orders to stop? Not that I’m a fan of cops with the way so many of them are violent towards ALL races, but if you run when they tell you to stop of course you’re going to get shot.

As usual, though, race has nothing to do with it even though that's the first thing that comes to people's minds. I truly believe the same exact shit happens to ALL races who run when the police shout, “Freeze!” Only you don’t hear about those cases because, well, only black lives matter, right?

Really, I am so, so fucking sick of hearing about this shit, but sadly I see no end in sight. First they want what we have. We give that to them plus more, and they're STILL not happy. Now they want to be able to be thugs without being shot. WTF?

Damn! My period started. I was really hoping this was it, but on the bright side, it will relieve my PMS symptoms. These days that is worse than the actual period. An ibuprofen kills cramps but there is nothing that kills PMS. I've tried everything on the market and nothing works.

The fucking park is going to have our water turned off for 10 hours on Monday. I am SO SO tempted to deduct from the space rent! Why pay 100% for 90% service? Thank goodness for the garden tub which will be filled, and we always drink bottled water and soda anyway. Pouring a bucket of water down a toilet flushes it so that’s why I’ll fill the tub. It sucks that I’ll be up during those hours, too. I hear insanely loud landscaping nearly every single fucking day and now this? Well, the office can go fuck themselves!

In other news, I had loads of fun setting up the new blogs yesterday, but it sure is a lot of work and will take several months to complete.

I have definitely made a full recovery and it feels great to be able to be left alone without the fear of something going wrong with my heart or whatever. I just hope the cholesterol numbers are down and that my endo continues to care more about how I feel than what the numbers say on my TSH results! I think she will. She seems like a really good doctor. There’s no comparison between her and my old endo.

In last night's dream, I seemed to be awakening from minor surgery. I was startled at first by this hissing sound that greeted me as I opened my eyes. A feminine voice reassured me, which might have been my dentist's.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 8, 2015 Jenny Seagrove, the English actress I’m connected to on Twitter, replied to my tweet about her dog. It sort of looked like a Border Collie, but she said it was an English Springer. It’s cute even though I’ll never be a dog person.

Five ballerinas now dance upon the laundry room walls. I still have to take pictures sometime since we painted.

We got a surprising amount of rain on Sunday as well as yesterday. What pissed me off was when a loud peal of thunder woke me up. I slept shittier than shitty, waking up constantly. That is one of the symptoms listed on the perimenopause list so maybe that’s part of why I’ve been doing that because I have actually woken up during my sleep before I was on levothyroxine. I thought I would need two cups of coffee to jolt me awake but one was enough.

Tom read a language blurb that said that it isn’t that most people can’t learn languages so much as that they’re not willing to invest the time that it takes. It definitely does take a long time to get to the point where you know enough to get by. I’m only learning Dutch this fast because I have already studied German and my brain is used to learning foreign languages.

Another thing I’m lucky to have that a lot of people don’t have is the ability to hear the language in the first place. It’s the audio equivalent of being visibly observant. Many people aren’t able to hear the subtle sound differences that aren’t present in their native languages, but for some reason, I can. Tom thinks it’s because I can sing. Even if you’re not the greatest singer but still have relatively good pitch to hear the notes, it would make sense that you would be able to hear both the major and subtle sound differences within the languages.

Got a view on Blogger from somebody in Tom’s River, New Jersey who did a few variations on searches for God that I was so sure for some reason was from Polly. But when I double-checked, Polly’s listed as living in Orange, Connecticut. I swear the person has been in before and I thought they were the ones who searched for “abortion” and Polly’s name.

Last night I had a dream that Paula was showing me her nails that she had just done, and then there was this strange repetitious sound that I’m not sure was part of the dream or if it was real. It was 6:30 at the time. Tom would have been home so I will have to ask him.

In another dream, I was talking to an Indian couple (some of their friends and family were present as well) but they seemed to have a hard time understanding me. I said in a frustrated tone, “I’ve got to learn Hindi.” Then I remembered that Raj had said it wasn’t an easy language.

In another dream scene was another Indian couple in which Tom and I saw the man propose to the woman. The woman accepted and we were very happy for them.

Then Tom and I were lying in a back bedroom somewhere chatting. Dreamy music was playing from somewhere in front of the house and I commented to Tom about the music being very soothing. He agreed with a relaxed smile.

Then Andy and a friend stepped into the room asking where something they wanted to use was, though I don’t know what. I told him he could use it but to look for it himself because I hated to look for things.

TUESDAY, APRIL 7, 2015 I began my period when I was only nine years old. Back in those days, one tended to be embarrassed by it and not so open about it as we tend to be these days.

For both the third and fourth grades I was in what was cruelly known as the Retard Room. The “RR” wasn’t only for those who were slow, but for those like me who didn’t get that no matter how many times her mother may club her over the head with whatever object was handy and convenient at the moment, grinning through the classroom window while the teacher and students tore up the room in search of the little girl’s glasses that she hid, was simply unacceptable behavior.

So I was basically a two-in-one… slow plus a troublemaker = doubly fucked up.

During the fourth grade when my period started, I would take my “supplies” to the ladies’ room.

“Jodi’s taking a brown paper bag into the bathroom,” one boy whined in a tattletale tone to Mr. Kelly, the school’s only male teacher back in the mid-70s.

“It’s okay,“ Mr. Kelly said.

Ok or not, my cheeks flushed with heat as I made my way out of the classroom, into the hallway, and down to the bathroom, horribly embarrassed that the teacher knew just what was in that little brown bag of mine.

MONDAY, APRIL 6, 2015 Bye-bye periods! It was a not-so-fun 40 years, but I’m glad to be done with you… Woohoo! Unless another one sneaks up on me, it looks like this could very well be it. I sure hope so, but it’s only been two months.

Your average American is overweight, yet so many people still pick on those who are heavy. You hear about gays all the time these days, yet there is still so much hatred for them. I don't get this world at times. I really don't.

Desktop Nexus Wallpaper is down. They’ve been having problems for a few days now. I still can’t decide whether or not to have old journals visible on Blogger, and whether or not they should be in monthly formats or daily formats if I do. It would be kind of fun having a different theme each month… beaches, dogs, mountains, cats, waterfalls, horses… but I haven’t made up my mind yet.

Anyway, I did 10 minutes of cardio by walking and running outdoors and then I did 10 more minutes of strength training indoors. 20 minutes is enough for somebody who’s not going to lose weight.

I had a dream that I awoke one night and headed to Tom’s bedroom. Only his bedroom was at the other end of the house and not right next to mine. I stepped through the open door where he was lying awake in bed. He spread his arms invitingly and said, “Come on.” I went to lie down next to him even though I was suddenly aware of the fact that I had a ski vest on.

In another dream, I went crying to Tom about how I reached for the phone to call my parents and then I remembered that they were dead.

SUNDAY, APRIL 5, 2015 Got the silhouette sticker of the gymnast I plan to put in the bathroom after it’s painted (she’s huge) and did 98% of the laundry room paint touch-ups. Had I been just a few inches taller I wouldn’t have needed Tom to hit the areas close to the ceiling.

Some other day we’ll touch up the yellow in the kitchen, and whiteout the trim in the hallway and second bedroom where there are dabs of both pink and lavender.

giggles Nobody would guess this house was in a retirement community.

I’m a little pissed that the blue stopped working on the tape light. Well, we still have white, yellow, orange, red and pink. No green or purple either.

Kind of surprised I haven’t heard from Andy since I’ve been up. I saw he was on Facebook for quite a while, then nothing. I assume he fell asleep around his usual time, but am a bit surprised he didn’t check in first. That’s ok, though. Things come up. People get tired. I’ll hear from him tomorrow.

Had a fleeting thought that he might’ve found something offensive in January’s journal entries in which he asked me to email him, but if that’s the case, that’s his problem. Can’t deny that a part of me wishes he would start some drama with me I certainly don’t need, thus giving me a reason to drop him since he can be more of a pain in the ass at times than fun with his stupidity, immaturity and memory issues. I mean, I don’t deny he’s got memory problems. Three decades of weed will do that to you.

I also wonder if his Facebook obsession is preventing him from canning. It’s like all he wants to do all day is post pics in his groups for gay guys to ooh, ah and “like.”

Obviously, he shouldn’t be out there canning when it’s below freezing, but he was going out there last year in temps down in the teens. He says he only makes 10k a year cleaning, yet he can more than double his income by canning. So then how can he afford to take so many months off? I know he’s got a savings built up, but that much?

Later…

Well, Andy wasn’t offended but he sure is starting to offend me with his selfishness, complaints and lack of appreciation after all the hard work I put into his emails.

Andy really makes it very hard to be friends with him at times. It is just so frustrating having half the things I say go down a fucking garbage disposal because of his memory issues. And I’m still not 100% convinced it is all memory issues because he has been known to actually get off on annoying and frustrating people in the past.

We just recently agreed that I’d send him an entire month of journal entries in a single email in which I would divide dates with pictures for him. I specifically asked him how many entries he wanted per email and he said a month. I asked him if he was SURE he meant a whole month and he said yes.

So he finally finishes up last year's entries and I send him January. Sure enough, and just as I feared he would, he tells me he's not thrilled to get a whole month in one email. I really wish some people would be more appreciative of all I do for them and that they would thank me instead of complaining! Now I do aim to please - don’t get me wrong - but when people go back and forth on shit we recently agreed on; that’s where it gets frustrating. Being friends with him just isn’t easy at times… his selfishness, his lack of compassion in some cases, his immaturity, memory and stupidity issues that damn near borders on senility.

At the same time, I don't want to dump the guy. I just wish I were psychic enough to know if this truly is all due to something being wrong with his brain and not him deliberately trying to piss me off. It would still be frustrating even if none of it was his fault, but if I knew he was playing with me, then yeah, I��d probably walk because who wants friends like that?

He told me he was out all night with his family yet clearly I could see him on Facebook all night. When you look in the chat bar it will tell you whether or not the person is on a mobile device. Well, it said “web" which I would think means he was on his desktop at home. It could’ve come up with that if he had taken his Kindle to David’s and accessed Facebook from there, but I don’t know for sure. It definitely makes me wonder. He was on Facebook all night long is all I am sure of. I just hope he hasn’t been lying to me and deliberately mindfucking me.

I sent him February and March with one entry per email as his latest request goes, but that’s it, I told him. Once he gets to April he has to go to the blog itself. I just don’t understand why he’s been so afraid to do that. I think part of it is just his laziness and selfishness, but I also think he’s afraid of being tracked. No matter how many times I try to tell him that my-diary is tracker-free and devoid of “blinding” colors, it’s like he doesn’t get it. It’s like I’m explaining some big complicated math formula to him instead of something so simple.

Later…

As I just got done telling Tammy in a message, my toe is still healing and now I have a pulled hamstring muscle after touching up the painting in the laundry room. Climbing up and down the stepstool, reaching behind the washer and dryer in a funny position, and sitting Indian style for a long time painting under the built-in desk uses muscles I don't usually use. This will make four days of not working out which I'm not too happy about. I will have to get back to it tomorrow.

Pretty sure I am having perimenopause. No hot flashes yet sometimes I do feel warm and I constantly feel like I have PMS and like I'm about to get my period any second. I just looked up the symptoms and this is normal and can last for four years. I could scream at the thought of PMSing for four years straight but I am excited about the periods stopping. I still think I will have more periods before they stop for good. Damn, though. God really does favor man.

I am trying to decide what I want to do with Blogger. Some idiots think old stuff is present even though it is backdated, and there doesn't seem to be much interest in old stuff anyway like there probably will be 100 years or so from now. I have three choices. I can just stick to the current year, I can post a whole month in one entry, or I can break it up so that each day is in a single entry as it is on LiveJournal. Not sure what I want to do yet.

Later…

I finished watching all 15 seasons of The Forensic Files on Amazon Prime, so now I am watching The New Detectives.

The first episode deals with finding the remains of casualties of war soldiers. I think it’s rather sad that so many young women and men chose this life of violence and senseless fighting, many of whom were fresh out of high school. It just seems utterly ridiculous and totally pointless the way they were going to combat to do nothing but kill and kill some more. I can see if somebody goes to attack your country or your territory and you are simply fighting back, just as you would if somebody were to try to invade your home.

But many of these so-called wars seemed to be just for the thrill of fighting. Fighting over land that no one had yet to inhabit seems totally asinine when anyone could have lived there. I mean I’m sure there was plenty of room for both sides to occupy most areas. The world is a pretty big place and there were a lot fewer people taking up space a hundred years ago.

It’s sad that these “war heroes” felt they had to kill, thus killing themselves as well. They could have been anything. Anything. They had their whole lives ahead of them and they could have done so many things in life other than being trigger-happy savage beasts.

On a less gruesome and destructive note, I had a dream that I was lying on my stomach on a lounge chair by a pool. I looked up and saw my old (sexy) doctor sitting nearby. I wondered if she would recognize me and say anything, and what I would say to her in return if she did.

Then I felt myself burning and got up to take a dip in the pool. On the way to it, two double beds suddenly appeared before me. I hopped up on one bed, jumped across to the other, and plopped down on my ass before springing off the bed and stepping into the pool. I then turned to face the doctor. She smiled at me seductively.

Andy said he was at David’s last night and he did go on Facebook from his Kindle. Good, because if he had denied being on Facebook while he was supposedly not home I would have happily called him out as a liar.

What’s not good is that he says he is so tired of David’s warped personality that he wonders if he needs some time off from him. He said he is not in a good way emotionally right now and that he can relate to how I once questioned whether or not I should cut ties with family as I have in the past. Well, if you feel the need to spend your time on Facebook while you’re visiting friends or family, then you’re obviously not having a good time.

FRIDAY, APRIL 3, 2015 If I don't get a period by the 6th, this will be the longest I have gone (two months) without one since they guinea-pigged me with various psych meds in my late teens causing my period to stop for three years.

I started treating the superficial nail fungus I have in a few of my toenails, except for the toe they just removed the ingrown nail from. It just looks like clear nail polish that you brush on. Got to do it twice a day and hope for an improvement in four weeks.

Getting a little nervous as my blood work approaches. I have made sure to get foods low in cholesterol this week leading up to it. Hopefully, the thyroid medication has brought my cholesterol numbers down so they will not want me back on statins.

Got a quick message from my sister. She’s not liking the allergy shots and the effect they have on her, but she sounds a lot better.

Got my third figurine from the Forever in Blue Jeans collection. They are cheap but very cute and durable. Right now I’m “turking” some decorative face plates for plugs and light switches. That means I use my survey money on MT to pay for them.

So far for my FBJ collection, I have a father swinging his son, a daughter hugging her mother, and an expectant mother with a toddler.

I also got a small black silhouette sticker of a gymnast on a balance beam and stuck it on the cabinet door of my desk. It looks nice there.

The last thing we got was a motion sensor plug so that the rainbow tape lights light up whenever we walked down our long hallway. It’s almost hypnotizing sitting there watching the colors slowly cycle through, one morphing into another.

In last night’s dreams, I was looking for a new therapist, though I don’t know why I wouldn’t just go to my old one if I ever felt I needed therapy again.

I watched these strange machines wrap fabric containing prints of the American flag around these large baskets. I thought they were incredibly dull-looking.

Then I was visiting some woman in her apartment who had another female friend visiting as well. The woman had 4 young children but none of them were home at the time. One of them, her son Cody, she said she had with a guy she was fearful of. She was afraid that he was going to come to the apartment.

“But what’s there to be afraid of?” I asked, not about to be afraid of some guy I never even met. ”There’s one of him and three of us.”

I saw what was the scariest Forensic Files episode last night, and this one had nothing to do with murder like their other episodes. Some people started off by saying that they suddenly experienced irregular heart rhythms, racing hearts, booming hearts and diarrhea. I thought to myself, boy that sounds familiar. Then they went on to describe other symptoms… jittery, anxiety, weight loss, loss of appetite, and I thought, wow, that really sounds familiar.

To back up a bit… there was a section of the Midwest that was once known as the Goiter Belt. There was little iodine in the soil and because of that and other things people often developed enlarged thyroids. That was when the Mayo brothers opened a clinic to remove people’s enlarged thyroids. Eventually, diets improved and the thyroid problems went away.

I’m not sure when it was, but not too long ago a bunch of people in the Midwest came down with these horrifying symptoms. Nobody could figure it out. One guy was told he might have cancer, and another woman was told she was having a nervous breakdown. Some doctor gave her a mood elevator and the next thing she knows her heartbeat is doing 160.

Blood tests showed that these people’s thyroid hormone levels were 8 to 10 times higher than normal. None of these people had enlarged thyroids, though, and everybody was stumped as to why these people would suddenly have all these symptoms. Then one day a huge family got together for a meal and every single one of them but a little boy got sick with the same symptoms. The little boy was the only one in the family that didn’t eat meat. Realizing that the whole family couldn’t possibly be having a nervous breakdown all at once, they began to suspect the meat and inspected it to find bits and pieces of the cow’s thyroid mixed into it. They gave some of the meat to some rats, then they gave other rats different meat from a different area. Sure enough, the rats given the meat the family and others consumed came down with the same symptoms. But the meat that the rats ate was raw, and the people had eaten cooked meat, of course. So they cooked the meat and served 4 young and possibly crazy doctors a burger. They too, experienced the same thing.

It turns out that when Synthroid hit the scene they stopped removing the cows’ thyroids and simply left them in the gutted meat. The FDA then made it mandatory that the thyroids be removed. Over 100 people were affected but everybody recovered and there were no fatalities.

My heart truly went out to these people, knowing that I was probably one of the very few people watching this particular episode who knew firsthand what it was like and what they were feeling. The shitty coincidence of the timing is what made me think I accidentally overdosed (as opposed to being prescribed a dose that was too high for me). The very same day I wondered if I accidentally took an extra pill was when my problems started. Although I suspected the medication from the start, even I was a bit confused at first because of the way one tends to think that as soon as they stop a medication that’s causing a problem, the problems will stop too, when it actually can take months to recover. I suffered both physically and emotionally for four months. It was the most terrifying experience; even the weight loss part because nobody should lose weight that fast. Having the runs sucked, but the worst part was definitely the booming heart and the anxiety.

Although I have worked through the trauma of those days, the memories are stuck with me forever. Those scary moments actually made the prospect of facing homelessness not as scary. I guess it’s different when the trauma is internal versus external, not that I would ever again want to be raked over the financial coals like we were a few years ago.

As well as things are going now, I miss the days twenty-five years or so ago when death and dying weren’t a concern for me as it is now that I’m older. Oh, I had my share of problems back then, mind you, but I didn’t worry about dying so much. Perhaps that’s because I had yet to actually live.

Memories flash through my mind in a blur… me suddenly running to the phone as my heart starts booming… my fingers shakily trying to dial the paramedics… me scrambling on shaky legs to at least get the door open, not knowing what was going on or if I would live or die.

Relief flooding through me as the paramedics show up… confusion also rushing through me as I am hooked to a cardiogram… questions being fired at me, an otherwise healthy runner who does dozens of push-ups, ab crunches, doesn’t smoke or have a serious weight problem.

So now I not only know what happened to me last year, but what happened to me has a name… thyrotoxicosis.

Going to grab something to eat now, but I don’t know what. I only know I’ve had enough potatoes. You never know if there’s such a thing as potatotoxicosis!

THURSDAY, APRIL 2, 2015 Why would any gay person want to turn to religion? Not trying to pass judgment or anything like that, but actually trying to understand. I honestly don’t get why they would want to turn to something that condemns and bashes the hell out of them. I can sort of see maybe turning to God Himself if you believe in that, but turning to religion? Religion is the reason there are so many gay haters out there in the first place (along with tons of other problems in the world). So why I would want to turn to something that promotes hate and discrimination against my kind would be beyond me.

Even turning to a God that could allow for such abuse for so long is kind of over my head, but the religious thing is WAY over my head with the way it’s so structured and hateful. You’re going to tell me in one breath that this invisible God loves everybody, and then tell me in the next that He considers my kind evil, unnatural, and worthy of hate and discrimination? No thanks! But that isn’t the only reason I’m not into religion. Yes, I’m basically unsure of or against most of what it teaches, but for the most part, I’m just plain uninterested. It’s kind of like with dancing… I don’t mind watching other people do it, but that doesn’t mean I feel the need to go out and join a dance club. I can observe, form opinions and harbor beliefs independently without actually embracing something as a whole.

I personally feel that God is probably just a fantasy as is the tooth fairy to a child, and that the Bible is merely the opinion of those who wrote it, and that religion is little more than an organized hate group. I also understand that different people have different reasons for their individual beliefs, and that’s okay, too. I’m not for changing people’s belief system so much as I am for changing the way people can use their beliefs against others as they can in Indiana as well as many other places.

Tom wants to get me a gift for putting up with all the overtime he’s worked. LOL, that man loves to spoil me. I’ve already got enough goodies on the way. Another figurine from the FBJ collection, and a couple of decorative wall stickers. We also grabbed the rats some bedding and a motion sensor plug for the rainbow tape light strip. The idea is to put that in the hallway and have that be our nightlight, instead of a traditional night light you plug in that’s always on.

The overtime has helped pay for the home improvements and some of our debt, but he has decided that he’s going to cut back on the OT in a couple of months or so because while the money is great, it’s not really necessary to be working this much OT. We’re more than comfortable without it, and one has to have a life every now and then. I think that’s why neither of us would ever want to be doctors. Sure, they make a ton of money, but what kind of a life do they have to go with it since they work such strict and long hours? Even my dentist works 10 to 12 hours, 5 days a week. Money is great, but it certainly isn’t everything.

I had a dream that Goldie and Al were alive and I was staying with them. I woke up one morning to find Goldie eating breakfast and Al sitting in another room. Rubbing my lower back I said, “Amazingly, I slept well.”

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015 The Jes pest is going to get a little April Fools in the mail tomorrow (today). I wanted to give it time before I sent the peace of mind I have wanted to share with him for over half a decade in regards to the way his lazy ass refused to take responsibility for his own mutts. This way he is less likely to still have either of our numbers.

I didn’t bother to keep physical evidence off the letter, but I wrote it in a very non-threatening and type of way that not even the most corrupt and eager-to-violate speech rights pigs would even stand a chance of getting me arrested, let alone convicted. Furthermore, I highly doubt Jesse would contact the police in the first place. I figured the Phoenix freeloaders might, but they’re not Jesse. Jesse may be selfish, but he never struck me as the vindictive type. Lastly, he’s as white as I am so he can’t play the race card.

My only concern was him calling Tom’s cell. I kept the joke from Tom because I didn’t want him to get carried away on the paranoia train. My cell number is the one on the rental application, but Tom’s is the last one Jesse called. Hopefully, he’s not the type to save things like that. Even if he was, my guess is that if he even has the patience to read the letter, he wouldn’t bother to make a fuss over it, let alone call anyone. He would tell Maryann about it, but I think and hope that’s as far as it will go.

Later…

I wish I had something exciting to say, but I don’t. Life is running smoothly with a few minor annoyances along the way. My toe still hurts at times and I’m back to sleeping shitty where I wake up a lot. Sometimes it takes me several minutes to fall back asleep.

I’m not liking this cool spell we’re having because while it may be easier for sleeping, working out, and saving money on our electric bill, I hate how chilly it is really late at night.

Tom doesn’t know yet what’s going on at work, but hopefully, he will find out soon and hopefully, the dream I had is a good sign, too.

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