#i have a 20 min presentation AND a final this week

[a-concert-just-for-me]

God gives his hardest battle (policy analysis paper) to his weakest soldier (me)

[pnutbutter-n-j-elyy]

When they Accidentally Bring Up and Insecurity| Seungmin Pt3

Pt1 Pt2 BONUS

Sorry it took so long 🙈🙈🙈

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It had been a couple of nights since you had been over at the dorms for game night.

You had been texting Seungmin even less now, slowly becoming more and more sensitive to every single thing that you did. Even when you noticed he had initiated almost every single conversation since the inicdent.

It had finally come time for you guys to move, and anxiety gnawed at you. You felt it grip you, and a part of you regretted every agreeing to move in with Seungmin.

The car ride was silent other than the clinking of the last few miscellaneous items you had taken from your apartment. And while Seungmin was moving in with you- you had agreed to have him spend a couple of nights a week at the dorm if he still wanted to, so some of his stuff was still there.

It was almost painful how quiet the car ride was- but you assumed it was for the best. You didn't want to have Seungmin hate your chatter even more than he already did.

While you were contemplating how to go about communicating once home; Seungmin was contemplating how to go about getting you to speak to him normally again.

It had been eating at him, and while he didn't normally find himself anxious or sensitive to these kinds of things since he believed he could solve things logically around 90% of the time- he had labeled this as part of the 10% of the time that rationality would succumb to emotion.

And it seemed that no time was better than that conversation was now as you guys found yourself stuck takin a detour due to a pile up that now added 20 minutes to your ride due to having to basically turn all the way around.

"Y...Y/N?" Seungmin started.

You turned to your boyfriend, and noticed a lilt in his voice that was never present before. His confidence was cracked a little, and you wondered what could have started to make that wall deteriorate.

"Hm?"

Seungmin drummed his fingers. "Uh...I...I know you said that what I had texted you a while back wasn't hurtful. But...I couldn't help but feel you were telling me a lie."

You blinked a few times and shook your head, giving a small chuckle. "I didn't lie. I'm fine really."

"But you're not."

His eyes stared straight ahead at the road, and you noticed the way the muscles in his jaw jumped slightly. You could see the fat of his cheek move around slightly too- the subtly of it giving you the conclusion of his biting his cheek to release some of his nerves.

"You're not okay. And...its...its making me not okay." He swallowed, and you focused on the movement of his throat, because you didn't want to say it.

You didn't want to say how something his said jokingly had planted a nasty seed in your head that couldn't help but spread all throughout you and cloud you with the thought of you being too much for him.

You moved your mouth to say something after a minute of silence but were cut off by Seungmin's soft sniffles.

"I'm not okay. I'm afraid. I feel like we're breaking up-" He says, his words coming out a little strangled. "I'm afraid that you hate me- and that you're going to leave me because I hurt you." You noticed his fingers trembling on the wheel and you gently reached your hands out, guiding him to the side of the road, and pushing the hazards.

You let him shake quietly as you kept your hand rested on his- which gripped the steering wheel so hard his blood flow was cut off a little and his knuckles were starting to become slightly chilled. You unbuckle your seatbelt to move closer to him.

"Min...I'm not..."

He rested his head on the wheel and released his hands, reaching out to hold your fingers.

"I'm not like him..." He you saw his shoulders move up and down slowly as his breathing returns to a slightly more normal pace. "I'm not..."

He swallows and you feel him shake as he tries to gain steady breath. "And to think I worried you - or even acted in a way that made you think of him again..."

You swallow and he lets out a humorless laugh.

"I'm possessive. When we first started dating I had told you that I would make sure you never thought of him again...I've kept that promise in the intention I had made it in but not in the way I should have kept it."

You can't help but let out a small breath at that. You hadn't thought of your ex at all, Seungmin excelled in every aspect of life compared to the guy you had wasted so much time with.

Which is why it hurt you to see that Seungmin hadn't realized that.

"I'm sorry Min. Please don't cry."

He shakes his head.

"Y/N don't apologize. You don't need to apologize. You never have to apologize for feeling hurt."

Your eyes meet him, and while they're still harbored with unshed tears, a look of intensity is what you take notice of first.

"You never have to apologize for feeling upset. I made a joke about something that stems a lot of insecurities. Which is valid and one hundred percent understandable. I tend to have a quick mouth but that isn't an excuse for me to dismiss or minimize your feelings. I truly wasn't aware that the reason your previous relationship ended was because of that dumbass not being able to appreciate the most beautiful thing about you."

You blink twice as Seungmin speaks again.

"I miss your voice. I miss you telling me every detail about your day. I miss hearing things that make me feel like I haven't been apart from you for even a second-" A look of melancholy washes over his face and his voice softens even more. "I never want you to feel like you have to silence yourself. You should be able to be you, and be with someone who loves that about you. Who loves to hear you talk abd if you ever leave me you should still know that you should never have to-"

"Seungmin, do you ever shut up?" You asked, a teasing lilt in your voice, and you placed your finger on his mouth. And just that simple turn of words made his heart soar.

"Does that mean I'm forgiven?" He asks moving his lips down to your palm in a soft kiss, then moving your hand to his cheek.

"Only if you stop spewing this nonsense about me leaving you. To be honest I thought it was you who would leave me."

Seungmin moves quickly and you barely have time to register what's going on before he's pulling you onto his lap in an extremely uncomfortable position to kiss you.

When you pull back you laugh. "Is that your kind way of saying we should both shut up?"

He just hums in acknowledgement his eyes still locked on your lips as he pulls you in for another intense kiss- both of you ignoring the fact your shoulder was pressing into car horn causing a few people to shoot nasty glares at the car with a consistent horn.

"There. Does that show you I'm not going to break up with you? Actions speak louder than words or whatever?"

You nod and sit back.

"Say it."

"Say what?" You ask while reaching out to gently wipe a string of your spit from your boyfriend's chin.

"Say that you won't break up with me. Ever."

"Minnie we just made out-"

"I want to hear you verbalize. I want to hear your voice saying you won't break up with me." He whines.

You raise a brow and humor him.

"I will never break up with you Kim Seungmin."

He truly smiles, for the first time in what seemed like forever.

"Because I love you. More than anything...and also because if you think I talk a lot than wait until you meet my mom." You groan. "Speaking of which she wants to come to Korea to meet you. She's in some weird familial feud with my Aunt and thinks me being in a relationship give her the upper hand?"

Seungmin chuckles as he flicks of his hazards and starts pulling onto the road again. "Why is that?"

"Well you see, my cousin ended up getting pregnant. But come to find out she has four different side pieces - one of which is her boyfriend's brother. My mom had made a comment about how it seemed my sister was making a puzzle. Then my Aunt brought up my moms failed marriage which then led into a whole thing and now its and even bigger thing. Its kinda complex and hard to explain. Took me and Jisung four coffee dates to stalk the social media pages well enough to figure out where each guy was during the conception period. And her boyfrfend was in Cancun so it sure as hell wasn't him."

Seungmin couldn't help but smile the entire rest of the way there, feeling fulfilled and content with your noise being the backdrop to everything in his life.

Knowing that he would be content with listening to share 24/7 if it meant you felt loved and heard. If it meant that he was being the best lover to you. And if it meant that you would never feel the need to silence yourself for being you.

Because it was you who he loved and prioritized most- and he wanted to make sure that his love was as loud and consistent and unending as the aspect he found most beautiful about you.

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@abovenyx @wolfs-archive @oddracha

@iyeeeverydee @parisanmorovati @moony-9

@seungmincenteric @panbish-1209 @fxiry-vtt

@sseawavee @shuporanporang @amarecerasus

@softkisshyunjin @whoa-jo @meanergreener

@rikibun @ayyonoona @shinywombatcrusade

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@joyfulkittencherryblossom @velvetmoonlght @minsungsthirdwheel

[dawnoftime22]

post-it.

| T.S

INTHAF Series, Chapter 2

Warnings: None!

Summary: As Taylor got herself a free day, she was making along a song before she decided to call you up and hang out with you, eiliciting a game day for the both of you.

Word Count: 3.9k

Category: fluff!!!

A/N: I honestly love the second half of this more, but enjoy it as you may :)

P.S HOOLY I FORGOT THE SUMMARY FOR LIKE 20 MINS

| Started on 06/01/2024, 10:27 AM |

| Finished on 15/01/2025, 3:02 PM |

Main Masterlist | T.S Masterlist

INTHAF Masterlist

<- Chapter 1 Chapter 3 ->

"What would I do without you?"

gif by me / @likestarlightx :]

|——————————— ⸆⸉ ———————————|

— Two Weeks later...

With the last two tiring weeks of rehearsing, a small show, and producing music, Taylor had been everywhere, up until lastly, finally tracing back to her very own home.

When she first wakes up, it's no surprise a certain soreness was present all around her legs and, well, perhaps throughout her entire body. Last night she had gotten back home late from a recent iHeart performance. Her hoodie was thrown somewhere near the corner of the bed, and her legs were all tangled up within the blankets.

Taylor moves to stretch, similar to a certain kitty named Meredith somewhere on the floor, who was elongating her body. Once she was done, she pulls the covers closer to her, wanting nothing but to rest and feel the coziness covering her up.

It was an off day for once. Maybe an off week. She hoped so, but her plans always manage to find its way to change.

The warm sunlight starts making its entrance from the window, filling parts of the room with a vibrant yellow.

Meredith gracefully jumps up to the bed, finding a comfortable spot somewhere next to the blonde. Taylor smiles and reaches out, petting the comfortable cat. The purr she gets back is a rare signal that Meredith's missed her.

She stays like this for a while, relaxing in bed, like nothing in the world mattered anymore. Home, the true place for the heart's relief, even if it isn't a physical location, it certainly exists in every kind of being.

Meredith rubbed her head against Taylor's hand, moving closer to her. Now, how could she get up with this kind of affection?

But soon, with a rumbling stomach yearning for food, she knew she had to get up. Sighing, Taylor propped herself up with her arms, then slid out of bed, begrudgingly walking to the bathroom to take a shower. Meredith watched, missing the warmth already, but opting for the covers.

As she cleaned herself and made her muscles relax off in the bathroom, Benjamin had entered the bedroom, jumping up to the bed and going next to Meredith— essentially taking Taylor's spot. He lays down, having found his very own spot to sleep in. The other cat looked at the ragdoll, but finds no interest in such, other than napping.

When Taylor came out the shower and caught sight of the scene, her heart melts entirely. She quickly dries herself, got some clothes to put on, and picked up her phone.

She sits down and opens her camera app, changing the setting to record so she could videotape the two of them. The cold air was prickling at her skin to rise goosebumps, but she couldn't care less at the moment.

Their purrs mixed in with each other, creating a heart melting atmosphere. It was possibly the most perfect sound to fall asleep to. Once she checks that the video is good and put the speaker near her ear to make sure the sound was there, she decides to put it on her Instagram story so others could hear it, too. And to also see just how adorable her cats looked.

After a while of adoring them with sweet coos, she eventually chooses to let them sleep peacefully. Taylor starts making her way to the kitchen, preparing herself some breakfast.

When she sat at the kitchen island, the sun was streaming in with a stretch from the windows, creating a pretty silhouette of the window.

Taylor took a bite of her sandwich, all while words were coming to gently poke in her mind, creating lyrics that rhyme and melodies sticking along with it.

As her mouth chews the food, she tries her best to focus on her breakfast. she takes a breath in, shaking her head to let the words fall back, but with the comfortable silence in the air, what else was she to do when she has all this free time, all alone?

With it starting to gradually pile up to more lyrics, she soon finishes up with eating. Carefully moving, she gets up from her seat and put the plate in the sink, washing it off to clean it.

After placing it on the drying rack with a clink, she starts walking over to her piano, since it was the closest instrument to her.

Taylor sat down, the bench being a seat that had grown familiar and comfier overtime. First, she makes sure her phone was set up on the piano to record. Since she didn't have her notebook at the moment, she might as well go with the closest thing next to her. Plus, it was a good way to remember melodies and sudden changes in her lyrics.

Her fingers hover over the keys for just a moment, then she slowly lowers them to make contact, getting a random chord to go with the song.

The keys were sounding out perfectly, and she starts slow, finding a good rhythm before she starts to sing the words floating in her head.

"We can..." She pauses, sighing and looking out to a space to think longer about the line.

"We can leave the Christmas-- uh..." This time, she accidentally hit a chord that didn't fit, and decides to restart once more.

The songwriting process was being its bugging self, 'a pause and resume, and making it up as you go along' type thing, but she continues anyway.

"We can leave the Christmas lights up till January..."

"This is our house, we make the rules."

"And there's a dazzling place, a mysterious way about you, dear..." her face made a weird tilted expression at the line of words before she goes again.

"And there's a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you, dear..."

"Have I known you 20 seconds...or 20 years?"

She stops there, having run out of ideas for the lyrics to continue. With the time she's added, she decides to get up for her notebook.

It was stored in a chest drawer, so she gently slid it open, seeing the soft pastel pink book stored safely with a pen beside it. Along with it though, the post-it you had handwritten yourself was also placed there. The small paper was a gentle reminder of the lovely moment you two shared in the tent.

She picks up the book, but puts it at the top of the chest drawer first, her hand going back down to reach for the smallnote. It was something that could ever only be from you, with its little frowned face.

She takes both of them and closes the drawer, making her path back to the piano. Once she gets there, the paper was placed on the piano's wood so it could be visibly in front of her as she writes.

One small sigh escapes her mouth, but she looks down, focusing herself to jot down the lyrics so she won't forget.

A thought lingers somewhere far in her head of wanting to call you up, but with her phone still on the camera app and staring right back at her, it was basically tempting her to call. The sticky note whispers that urge furthermore, holding no help.

Her lips pursed at the choice she was given, but without another moment passing, she picked her phone up, closing out the camera to open her contacts instead.

Her finger gently scrolls down the alphabetical order, trying to find your name in the pile of friends and associates. Once she arrives there, the pad of her thumb hovers over the letters, the worry of disturbing you poking her mind.

But she pushes that thought away and instead, hopes for the best, tapping on it.

The screen turns into a calling one, and the dialling tone sounds out from the small speakers of her phone. Taylor stares at the sticky note as she waited, her teeth sinking into her lips the longer the tone went.

She was sure that time was messing with her now, making her feel as if its been an entire hour of waiting by the tone.

But not a second more, the sound stops. "Tay!! Hi." Your voice came through like a relief to her bones. All relaxation flowed through her body and a smile rose upon her face.

She could practically hear the happiness in your voice. She brushes her fingers on her piano keys, thinking her response quickly.

"Hi. How have you been?" Her greeting contained a chuckle breathed out. She was trying her best to start off slow and not rush in.

"I'm okay. You? Everything been okay?" You ask her back. Your voice almost contained more worry than hers. Or, well...to be honest, she was simply able to hide hers more easily. Her heart was trembling beneath her skin.

"I've been okay too. I...missed you." She was nervous saying that. Why was she nervous? It was unusual for her to be so out of it when talking with you, and you always seemed to be able to make her calm in the most dazing ways.

She guessed it was due to the time you two spent apart as of lately, but the butterflies gracefully flying in her stomach said otherwise.

"I'm glad you are. And I miss you more! I worried work's gone and taken you away from me entirely." With every second spent and every word that went by, she was sure the beating of her heart was getting louder.

Her mind was malfunctioning so much, that she had to get up from the piano and walk around the house so it calms her down. But it isn't working.

"No, no. I'll always be here for you. Uhm, I just thought...if you want to, do...do you wanna come hang out?" she asks, waiting for the answer.

You were dealing with the same situation with your mind and heart going crazy, only for you, has been an ongoing thing ever since this year.

The call now rather than the weeks before, there were no cats stepping on her piano keys anymore, or sounds of meowing, but the sound of her voice was enough.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'd love to. Um, when can I come over?" You ask, your voice gentle, and she could swear she'd faint right then and there on her living room floor, praying no one would find her.

"Whenever, Y/N. When I wake up in the morning..." The words spew out from her mind as her hand gestures aimlessly in the air, and she trails off, wondering why it sounded familiar.

"When it's sunny or storming?" You continue along her own sentence, hinting along that she was saying her own old lyrics without realising. She shakes her head with a laugh. You always seemed to know each line of her music as if you had written the songs yourself.

"Anytime," She says, ruling out the many reasons you could go visit her with 'all the above.' She goes back to sit at her piano with a breath, her mind settling down just a little from the lighter conversation.

Your breathy chuckle came through the phone. "I made you laugh. So...right now?" The tone of your voice was teasing, but you were also double checking that you could visit, or that if she had anything to do.

"Yes," she replied back, her eyes glimmering with happiness while the keys stared up at her. 'Really, she's just sitting at the piano writing lyrics. Nothing could come in the way of anything you were planning.' Thats what she wanted to say, but her brain was far too in the distance of a certain feeling, she wanted to close her piano from it seeming like it was judging her, even after all the songs she's written with it.

"Okay, okay. I'll be there in 20 minutes," you informed her right back. She heard the sound of a door closing with a gentle thud, guessing you were going out your bedroom. Or perhaps, you were already outside, having closed the front door, but she couldn't tell.

"Okay." She says under her breath, scared that maybe, if she spoke any louder, it would only prove everything in this moment was simply a dream, and she'd wake up. It's been two weeks. Two weeks too long without you, even if she had come around last time.

"See you, Tay," you said. She just barely catches it within all her thoughts, but she manages to get herself together and settle her hands on the keys, needing something to hold onto reality.

"See you," she whispered back. After a second or so, the end tone sounds out, making her reluctantly pull her phone away from her ear. Gosh, what had happened? Some circuit in her brain must have stopped working.

Taylor hides her face in her hands and scrunches up her nose, every part of her entire being wanting her to squeeze herself.

She shakes her hands and head, as if trying to jitter out the last of the feelings and resume her songwriting by settling her fingers on her piano once again.

The blonde took a breath in, trying to put together the feelings she had and putting them to use with the making of lyrics instead.

Once she gathered up the words and melodies in her head, she takes a deep breath in, and continued to play the notes from before.

"And there's a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you, dear." Her singing could capture your entire being in one go, that's how talented she truly is.

"Have I known you 20 seconds, or 20 years...?" Her voice was soft this time around. Much softer than a select few of her songs.

"Can I go, where you go?"

"Can we always...be this--...be this close?" Taylor stumbles a bit, her eyebrows furrowing but recovers, continuing the song.

"Forever, and ever, and ah...take me out, and take me...home." The words smoothly flowed with each other as her eyes flicker from key to key.

"You're my, my, my, my..." The notes build up to a stop, her hands going up, away from the keys.

"Lover." Her fingers landed gently once more, the melody continuing. She finishes it off with a satisfied smile, memories of you all over her mind, but also incredibly happy with the song.

|——————————— ⸆⸉ ———————————|

You wait at the front gates, having rung the doorbell over where it sat below the house number.

When Taylod peeks out the window and saw your face, her eyes brightened, and she smiled widely, clicking the button to open the remote gates for you.

The black metal entrance moves slowly, opening up for you, and once there was enough space, you start walking to her front door. Her garden was huge, but the only thing you could focus on was how much you've missed being with her.

Once the door opens, behind it reveals the blonde, in her hoodie. "Hi!!" She quickly walked forward, not hesitating to let go of the knob and wrap her arms around you.

You wanted to wave excitedly, but now you didn't even have a chance, so a chuckle escapes your breath, hugging her back tightly.

"Its been so loooonngg..." she murmured, swaying you both slightly in the hug, and her squeeze could possibly have made you lose your air.

"Tay, you're gonna squeeze me to death..." You try your best to speak, with the crushing feeling of her warm arms, but you don't even try to make a move to pull away with the comfiness.

She giggles cheekily, even just a little. "Sorry, I just haven't hugged you in so long." Eventually, she relents and gives you mercy from the squish attack, pulling back.

"Besides, it wouldn't be too bad would it? Going out in a hug?" she questions, turning around with one corner of her lip raised and a shrug going by.

"Tay!" you call her out, preferring to stay a little longer, although the thought lingered. A teddy bear hug? Who could decline something like that?

"But no...it wouldn't," you murmur softly, resisting a smile as you shook your head. You followed behind her as she entered her house once more.

You closed the door behind you, making sure to lock it for safety, even if she lives in a huge house. The space of the room was large; Taylor's kitchen being just a few steps forward, and to your right was the living room and her grand piano, possibly where she was merely minutes earlier.

Taylor reached up, opening her top kitchen cabinets, retrieving some snacks for the two of you to enjoy in your hangout time.

You 'ooh'd' when you saw some you liked, going closer to her. She instantly held it out to you, her lips raising as she already knew what you wanted before you even said it.

"You know too much. It's getting concerning," you muttered, but gratefully took the little tasty food anyway, stepping back.

She giggles, turning to you once she closed the cabinet. "Best friends since high school. Really, what were you thinking? Its only been a few weeks since we hung out."

You playfully rolled your eyes, leaning against the counter. "I know, I know..." you murmur, focusing down to the floor with a small smile.

You hadn't realized it— if you've been away from her for years even, you'd still remember all her favorite things or every single thing she loved. Maybe a fact she's said, or a quote she made up. It riddled your heart crazy.

Taylor was walking over to the living room, and you were taken out of your thoughts when she spoke again. "I was just playing the piano before, but, do you wanna, like..."

"Play some games?" she asks, pausing her steps to turn around and look at you again when she saw you weren't following.

Your face brightens, and you jumpstart your brain to walk forward. "Mm! Yes, Mario Kart. For sure." You nodded insistently, being back beside her.

Her face turns skeptical now, but it was due to your suggestion. "Really? You're sure? 'Cause I beat you like each rematch last time," she says, giving you a gentle push with her elbow to the side of your arm.

Your slow gaze to her was challenging, but also now holding doubt for yourself. "...Yes. It'll be fun!" you say. Any game sounded fun to you in fact, but that one always reminded you of every time she hung out with you after school or anytime.

"Okay...just don't get mad at me if you do lose," she says, walking to the coffee table to place down her desired snacks. You threw your hands up gently in response to her accusement.

"Oh, come on," you murmur, pouting, but she giggled quietly, then booped your nose as she passed by you. Meredith and Olivia was sitting on the couch, with Benjamin over in a pile of blankets.

Taylor got another snack from the kitchen too; some nachos to dip in with something. You raised your eyebrows, but smiled widely, reaching out instantly for it.

"Honestly, while I was gone, did you ever even think of me?" she questions softly, trying to make it seem like a small mindless question as she soon sat down at the couch.

"When I woke up in the morning," you said simply, a small chuckle escaping you. You basically repeated the words she had said from the call earlier. The melodic sound reaching her ears as if she wasn't the only other singer in the room.

"...Always. Every second," you added, although your volume was quieter, downplaying it, as if not wanting her to hear. You sat down beside her, having picked up one of the controllers to play.

She glances at you, but doesn't reply or say anything. You could have sworn you almost saw a light pink color that matched her hoodie, appearing on her cheeks.

You try to brush it off, thinking it was your imagination or the trick of the lighting. Taylor turned on the tv with a press of the remote, the screen switching from black to a screen startup of the console.

She opens up Mario Kart, and you saw all the colorful and classic characters. Leaning back, you got comfortable, feeling the familiarity of the old couch keeping your body safe.

You choose your characters and voted on the maps, although Taylor had lingered longer on the character category, stuck on the decision between Yoshi, or the Pink Gold Peach. In the end, she chose Cat Peach.

"Oh, fuck." She murmured, her eyes widening when she just barely steered clear of a banana left in the middle of the road.

You laughed when you threw a shell at her, which caused her kart to slow at the road and her character dazed. "You suck!" she complained, elbowing you in your arm. You winced, but only giggled further.

Next, it was your turn to gasp in the span of one minute. "A BLUE SHELL?!" Your character was dazed next, getting hit by it.

Your eyebrows furrowed in concentration, and you leaned forward, Taylor mirroring your action, as if you were both actually racing in real life. Anyone who played mario kart before, would know a blue shell is terrible when you're in first place doing well.

Your face was filled with horror when you saw everyone passing by you, and Taylor practically cackled in her laugh, winning first place.

"No fair!!!" you whined, giving her a push, and she fell back against the couch in the midst of her laughter.

"I won fair and square!!" she said, although the blue shell was unruly of her to give. If it was her, she probably would have complained just the same.

"Thats what you get for throwing me a shell!!" she said, nudging you back, and she saw your frown mixing in with a pout as you crossed your arms.

"Ugh..." you stared at the screen, the statistics showing up after the race, and the least was, you somehow got enough luck to come in fourth rather than last, as rare as that was.

She puts down her controller and places Benjamin in your lap, having snatched him without hesitation. She was trying to distract you instantly from the loss of the game discreetly, although it was obvious.

It had made you smile either way, while the small kitten was clueless and confused at the sudden change of location. Benjamin looked up at you curiously, his eyes searching.

You cooed down at the cute kitten, your hand going to scratch behind its ear, and Benji gave a small meow. The small paws could be felt against your sweatpants, and you couldn't resist reaching both hands to the cat.

"He thinks he's a lion sometimes." Taylor watched with a cheeky smile, sinking her teeth down into her lips, possibly trying to resist looking so gleeful, but the sight of you suddenly admiring Benjamin was adorable.

"Aw, he's purring..." you murmured, your lips turning down as you felt it, picking up the small animal that almost fit perfectly in your hands, and you brought him up to rest against the front of your shoulder.

"He looks so comfortable with you." Taylor comments gently, her hand reaching up to stroke the kitten's head with the back of her index finger.

You looked at her with raised eyebrows. "Careful. I'm gonna steal your cat," you said, almost holding Benjamin more defensively, and she laughs softly.

"No you're not!" she argues back, while Benji looked over to her. It was either the look of 'help me mom' or 'this is my new owner now.'

"Yep. I will."

end of chapter 2! <3

INTHAF Masterlist

<- Chapter 1 Chapter 2 ->

----------------------

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[howi99]

The Puppeteer: *fixing someone's arm* I might have given you a stronger body, but that doesn't mean you are invincible. God, i fixed you last week for heaven's sake!

Ex-paper pleaser: I am sorry, i was trying to fix the bridge so you didn't have to.

The Puppeteer: *sigh* I already told you all; i don't mind y'all helping me, but i need to know in advance. *Show his atelier with his hand* What are my tools for? Decoration? Besides, I haven't finished the plan for the northern expansion of the city yet. The bridge can wait a mo-

Marie: *kicking the door open while gesticulating like a madwoman*

The Puppeteer: ... Marie, you'll have to slow down a bit. I may have taught you sign language, but i can't understand if you don't take your time.

Marie: *pointing to the big clock on the wall then at him and finally outside*

The Puppeteer: What? You want me to go eat? But it's barely 14h!

Marie: *facepalm* "The date you fool! It's today!"

The Puppeteer: What? What is to- *looks behind Marie and see a familiar face* Marie dear, didn't think you'd brought a friend home. Had i know, i would have made tea.

Marie: *questioning look* "Friend?" *Look behind her and see an out of breath Neo* "How did that old hag follow me!?"

The Puppeteer: I assume you asked how she followed you by how you are moving your hands? *Look at the patient* You should be fine now, you can go.

Ex-paper pleaser: Alright boss. I shall do that. *Leave*

The Puppeteer: *looking back at Neo* Dear friend, i shall present myself. My current name is the Puppeteer. I welcome you in my humble abode.

Neo: *absolutely not recognizing Jaune since his appearance changed a lot (soon to be commissioned so everyone can see what he looks like)* "That's nice and all, but that kid stole something precious to me. I want it back!"

The Puppeteer: *chuckle* Now, did she? Marie, what did you take from our friend?

Marie: *getting the broken electrolarynx from her pocket* "i saw it was broken and wanted you to help me fix it... I was planning to give it back."

The Puppeteer: Ah, i know what this is! It's been years since i saw one! *Take it from her hands* Hm, the internal circuits seem to have gotten loose. *Look at Neo* Mind if i fix it? As you can see, i'm quite adept at fixing stuff.

Neo: *annoyed* "Fine, but i want it back the second it is finished. I don't want my friend to know i broke his gift."

The Puppeteer: *chuckle* I don't think he would mind, young lady. *Begin the repair*

Marie: *look intensely at Neo*

Neo: *glare back*

Marie: *cheeky smile* "You should really wear less make up. It doesn't hide your wrinkles."

Neo: *cheeky smile back* "Should i talk about your fashion sense? You look like a worse version of me. What, did your grandma choose your clothes for you?"

The Puppeteer: You know, you two might be mute but i still can clearly hear all the gesticulating you both doing. I need to concentrate!

Neo and Marie: *rolls their eyes and crosses their arms*

The Puppeteer: Thank you.

_______

10 min later

The Puppeteer: Done! *Looking at his hands* My age is showing, when i was 20 i would have finished in less than a minute. *Looks behind him and sees Marie and Neo insulting each other with in sign language* They never change. *Clap his hands* Recreation finished kids, you can get your thing Neo.

Neo: *look surprised at the Puppeteer* "How do you know my name?*

The Puppeteer: *chuckle* You really don't recognize me? Come on, *throw lightly the electrolarynx to Neo* you even were so afraid I discovered that you broke my gift. *Smile and remove his mask that hides his face* though i should maybe redo the presentation?

Neo: *take a step back, looking worried*

The Puppeteer: I am known as the Puppeteer around here, but you can call me Jaune. *Looking at the clock* For you it should be maybe 6 hours since we last saw each other. For me? It was the longest 6h of my life.

[france-the-third]

Wait i just realized something

This year (and last year), we had a class called 'global issues' (connaissances du monde) and since it's a british international section they mean "global" as in "british"

And basically what that is is a year long research project that teaches you stuff like how to do research, how to create a research poster, etc etc

However

It seems like about 90% of the class has some form of neurodivergence or another (and about 1% of the class would have a diagnosis lol)

And

A class where you spend a year researching a topic that interests you (with a link to britain but that's pretty easy to do) and then you have a ten minute presentation to do at the end of the year (+ 10 mins of questions)

Is PERFECT for autism lmaoo

Like you're telling me i got to spend a whole year, 2 hours a week, researching trans people in british history and then yap about it to two examiners who can't leave or interrupt me ????? (and since it was two of our teachers i'm pretty sure they were genuinely interested in everyone's projects) and this counts for 12% of my final grade??

(Its coefficient is 20 but my final grade's out of 160 not 100)

Literally no other exam is worth as much

The other english subjects (literature/history-geography) are overall both 12%/coef. 20, but they're split up in three or in half respectively

(literature: Shakespeare + Gothic + drama)

(history-geography: oral + written)

[rainbowthroughglasses]

Heavenly Ever After #09

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt36455912/?ref_=tturv_ov_bk

Well, my guess seems right: as it is announced by the episode list that this drama ends next week, decided to summary by episode from this time.

Nak-joon remembers the ex-detective as (that I guess child) slave trade, but he is so young to get escaped from his intrigues, but he is slips himself from his body, so now Som-yi can attack him like an ogre, rather Hariti. Som-yi gets furious as she couldn't listen to Nak-joon any more. He's suspended from his postman work then.

Hae-sook realized their closeness and also something has happened on him. She gets angry but not to talk to her husband explicitly, but she talks to other house mates for her wonders. Nak-joon also only talks to Som-yi on his thoughts, who was there at the scene. They're described as a good couple, but maybe they're not facing sincerely in fact for their whole life.

Young-ae seems to think more on herself, and her past, since her birth father this time, arrived to the heaven after passing the hell.

This episode is a comedy based on Mark 11.24.

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."

So somewhat simple thinkers like Hae-sook and two dogs have some ideas, dogs have a new opportunity, maybe Hae-sook will in next episodes.

Young-ae forgives her father finally and is called for the reincarnation, overcomes her severe life with him, after talking to the dean of the center with her father. By the dean, the system of reincarnation, tied fates are explained, the relations on Young-ae, father and Hae-sook. Young-ae talks to Hae-sook possible for the first time in their present life after knowing the fates with her, and disappears and gets back to life after the near death experience of three months.

Pastor realizes his happiness finally by Hae-sook, and Som-yi recalls her son's name, Eun-ho. Pastor is her son, I believe. So then why does pastor call her as mom now?

Han Ji-Min and Lee Jung-eun are very good on performance, but they're not often assigned to simply happy roles, as they're too good for performance. So Lee Jung-eun probably enjoyed her young-looking fashion, as well as Kim Hye-ja, and Han Ji-Min also has some old fashioned hair-style. Lee Jung-eun's simply rare and extremely good performance is the eye-candy of this episode. And also these dogs actors! I have seen them in small roles many places, and they're featured for the first time to my scope.

Another questions is that their times they've been. Hae-sook is 80 years old according to the settings, so if it is running now, so it's more or less around World War II. But past life Young-ae's cloths look like 1910's, apparently before the war. Is the scene now on Earth is somewhat 20 years ago, or what? Is it after the war and they wear still old fancy clothes?

3 episodes to go. This plot is written based on Korean culture, so I found complains by some of the foreign watchers, I hope this show is popular in Korea and they'd explain the subtle points.

[nattercam]

My Emotions Are Valid

One of the most frustrating aspects of my life is being unsure If my emotions are valid. That sounds like a stupid sentence, of course all emotions are valid, everyone is entitled to their feelings right? But what if my past and present actions are the cause? What then? 

Realistically I know that me staying up until gone midnight dissassosiating from reality with a naff KU romance book is not the cause or blame of me emotionally boiling over but somehow every time I manage to beat myself up over not being able to cope because I don't have a good routine, or I can't keep on top of the housework or remember to do basic evey day activities like showering. I'm just not trying hard enough, I'm being narcissistic, woe is me and gaslighting myself and everyone around me into thinking I'm a victim when if I just freaking got on with it rather than getting all upset then maybe just maybe I wouldn't be crying in the downstairs loo for the 3rd time today while Bea destroys the house and Paul WhatsApps me from the sofa asking where I am. 

 Currently, I'm upset because I'm exhausted and over stimulated and the thought of having to remain calm during another of Beas unregulated episodes while Paul either gets frustrated and angry or steps back completely because "you know she only wants you" while simultaneously back seat driving with "you have to remain calm", "stop saying that you're making it worse" - you know what mate, if you know so bloody well why don't you take over! 

I'm feeling sorry for myself because last night I did the night time wake up as always (solid midnight til 4am for the win there Bea) woke up 15 mins before school starts, then worked all day using my lunchbreak to do the school run and then juggling childcare, meltdowns and Teams meetings until the end of the day. Next I talked Jay though a most basic adult task even though he's 20 and should be more than capable. Followed by fielding well meaning but completely unhelpful conversation with my mother who thinks she understands but really doesn't and attempting to plan, purchase and execute Christmas day (which is a week away) even though the house is totally trashed and I'm so overwhelmed by it I don't know where to start. Let's not forget the email from school to say Bea kicked a teacher and that I just realised I forgot to go to the cash point to get money for school lunches next term. I don't remember the last time I showered or ate a home cooked healthy meal and by the time Paul gets home (having not done the ONE errand I asked him to do) I haven't even thought about dinner so I just shove a microwave meal on for Bea before settling down to apptempt to brush her matted hair, and yes I do mean matted, properly matted with a lovely sprinkling of headlice that no matter what I do I can't get rid of. 

Naturally my even attempting to touch her hair caused instant meltdown as she has serious sensory issues around her hair which is how we got into this mess in the first place. 

So now I'm locked in the loo while Bea rages on the other side of the door (I'm not, I'm writing this after she finally went to sleep but go with it for the sake of the story) and all I can think about is that I have no right to feel this upset because if I hadn't stayed up until midnight maybe I would have had at least some sleep before Beas midnight til 4am over stimulation party and then maybe today wouldn't have been such a disaster and I would have been able to handle this 4th meltdown of the day with poise and grace instead of silently excusing myself to go cry in the loo. Maybe if the house was tidy and a proper meal was on the table for my 8 year old who has perfectly brushed and lice free hair to eat then just maybe everything would be ok and it's my own fault for getting into this mess. 

So yea hence the existential crisis over wether my feelings are valid. Also I think I have a head louse under my nail.

[latentspaceofficial]

ok more singing

fuck it. i was singing in the previous post and i really like singing! i come from a vocalist background but i've had issues feeling comfortable with my tenor/alto range. i'm transfem (hi i'm the transgender tag) and was afraid of submitting to a competition bc a "real girl isn't singing". i literally moved out of texas because of the state of things there. so i shelved it in 2023, didn't submit to multiverse vistas, and very cautiously picked it up in 2024. so when i revisited everything all at once, i comm'd moon jelly. while i could maybe hit the notes with a bit of straining, her voice is more comfortably in the range of herta's voice. but i wanted to share an older version of eaao where i'm singing. aeonsim26/27 feels more intimate and i had always wanted to publish this song with my voice. but i think moon jelly still did a great job at helping the song shape up as far as cadence (i gave it a very odd cadence on purpose but i didn't fit as well in later versions) and giving body to the lyrics. i didn't like her version at first but genuinely her work added so much in the late drafting phase that i changed the key last minute and just went to town having fun with the instrumental. but yeah here's a few from the many revisions as i won't be able to look at them too closely in the video i'm making.

the original, the classic with me. yes, there was a cut drop! the original motif was started out of the piano after the drop.

taking that motif, this is part of the rework/revisit from 2024. i absolutely adore this version. you can see the song starting to shape up and it's probably my favorite. it feels very pretty patterns influenced towards the end. i was listening to a lot of pretty patterns at the time and he's a general influence on my work, so that would make sense. awesome artist, who also submitted to the competition with "70047" and got (third place user vote?). it was kinda crazy hearing he was submitting an entry when i was in my last week of work on this. go check out the entry!

second? key change from the original. this one has me singing again. didn't spend a ton of time with tuning because i was going for a very loose feel and had to hurry and believe it or not i wrote the majority of the lyrics on my phone in 20 min before bed after agreeing with mj on a comm price. i don't get how my brain works!

first presentable demo with moon jelly as the featured vocalist. this is just a bit after i started laying out her takes. i unfortunately ran out of time on the competition and wasn't able to rework her takes into something more clean with less distortion. so the vocals are basically an mp3! there was some miscommunication and life stuff and i still feel really bad about that! but i think she couldn't care less in the end. idk. i'm awkward and particular about my artistic vision. qwq

the final key change before the competition version. i think i'd call this a bit of a radio edit. i forgot to unmute the metronome track ugg. i love how mellow it is, but i ultimately wanted to go for a higher energy for the competition.

but yeah it was a lot of fun working on this and i hope to make other cool story projects and especially ones where i sing! i may revisit this song at another point to make some additional versions, but other than my video breaking down the prod, i will try and not make this song the only thing i talk about. final song link for anyone who may have come from the tags instead of my following.

[oswlld]

oswlld's monthly wrap up: january

note: i am trying something a bit different this year, so bear with me as i figure out how i want to format this. i wanted to spend more time sharing what i consume, beyond what i rb, and put my thoughts in one place. these posts are okay to rb

--

The Fifth Season, N.K. Jemisin [started 11/03, finished 01/23] This was originally a dnf from 2023 that i decided to pick up again. My entry point into her work was The City We Became and fell in love with her voice. With Fifth Season, however, I felt like I loved parts of the story but didn’t fall in love with the sum of the whole. I will go more into why in the tags because it will touch on spoilers (mildly!) I still gave it 4⭐️ in storygraph. — The Moth Presents: All These Wonders, Catherine Burns [started 01/05, finished 01/31] I bought this collection from Half Price so long ago, I’ve forgotten what drew me in. Probably because of the Neil Gaiman foreword. I had not heard of The Moth so I went into this blind. Some of the stories made me wish I heard it live and feel the story breathe and beat with the audience. 4.25⭐️ in storygraph.

Flavorful Origins, Netflix [started: 09/28, finished 01/04] I watched s1/s2 in 2023 at various pts of the fall/winter. Finally wrapped up s3 in January and caught up. Unsure if its a complete series or ongoing, but I do hope to return to the series in the future if they do upload more seasons. This series reminds me of the YT channel Liziqi, where they take one ingredient and unravel the techniques and related dishes by region. A great palate cleanser amongst all the other shows I typically gravitate towards. — Last Twilight, GMMTV on YT [started 11/10, finished 01/26] The only show I watched in real time, as it premiered week by week. If I solely focus on the January episodes, for the sake of this post, I can’t say I was happy with the way the final act was handled. If I look back on the whole of it, it’s still really special to me. In fact, there are episodes that still stand as the very best in television, THE BEST. Still licking the wounds inflicted by the finale, though. — Moving, Hulu [started 01/08, finished 01/30] This lured me in by process of dash osmosis, which is the very best brand of entry pt. I am O B S E S S E D with this show, I am singing its praises! It soothed the scars left by the show Heroes. Amongst all the action sequences, espionage, and high school drama is this huge heart beating loud and strong. Lee Mihyun, the way I love youuuuu, the character you are 🤌🏼🤌🏼🤌🏼 Guys, she saved January for me.

Chevalier, Hulu [watched on 01/14] The short runtime (well, short for the current landscape of cinema) did give me pause. I think some of the emotional beats could have been deepened if given 20 more min of his involvement in the rebellion. I think I wanted the betrayal to really cut me to the bone, but it felt like a papercut. — BlacKkKlansman [watched on 1/31] At this point, I would follow John David Washington’s career to the very end. I love his natural charisma. I want to see him go thru alllll the situations and wish this movie gave him a lot more room to breathe. Laura Harrier took me by surprise, portraying the BSU president Patrice. The story came to a very mild end and felt very tame, but the suspense held its own.

Stick Season (We’ll All Be Here Forever), Noah Kahan [first time listening] I originally learned about him when I was in my Lizzy McAlpine hyperfixation last year and heard she was a feature in one of his songs. And then I discovered a duet Noah did with Hozier and knew I had to spend time this month to sit down and really digest his album. WHOA MAN, this is one of those formative moments when music perfectly aligns with my current state of being. Take that as you will. Current top 5: Come Over, Strawberry Wine, Northern Attitude, Halloween, Your Needs My Needs — Natasha, Pierre, & the Great Comet of 1812 [relistening] what else is there to say, this is a mandatory yearly listen when it becomes below 0 outside. When I saw this show live, it was a January date as well so this relisten really got me spiralling. These two albums got me Feeling 🧍🏻‍♀️ on my walks.

Minecraft [game, on Switch] I got this game as a christmas gift and was where I spend most of my waking hours outside of work. I enjoyed watch MC streams on twitch and knew I would enjoy playing on my own. I get it now, I am soooooo late to this game. I think and dream Minecraft. My mountain house and harbor builds? Immaculate. They basic, but immaculate. Now I’m in my fishing era, esp when I have Stick Season playing in the background (nothing else mattered when the sun was rising and the song The View Between Villages played in the bg, it was a religious experience). — Lethal Company [game, on Twitch/YT] My entire month has been hopping from one stream to another, lobby after lobby. This game is so fun to watch and witness how all the mods evolved as time went on. I don’t think I myself would play the game myself, as I am a bit of a scaredy cat, but watching my fav groups play has been a highlight.

[vaathnaos]

I got a question for you

Question: What's the hardest assignment you had to do? (School or college related)

Question: Is vaati a nickname for your profile name? (Sorry if this question sounds dumb, just curious)

Hellooo "~"

You can call me Vaati ! It’s a nickname for Vaathnaos (a username i have since like 2010)

The HARDEST, by far, assignment i had to do for my bachelor was in Enzymology. For an entire semester we had to extract, purify, and analyse one enzyme. This was a group project where 4 students were assigned an enzyme (my group’s was alcohol dehidrogenase from rabbit liver). Every week we had to prepare a protocole from home and apply it to advance the purification steps! This was fine IF WE ALL CONTRIBUTED!!! I ended up paired with the chronically high students (weed is legal here btw) so i basically had to do the research work of 4 people and then assign tasks to my team because they had NO IDEA where in the process we where… When time came for the final presentation, (after 10 weeks of hell) my colleagues finished their slides minutes before presenting (we presented 30 mins later than planned)… After all that i got a 16/20 wich i’m still salty about. Sorry for rambling but university """team work""" takes a toll on us and leaves REAL TRAUMA behind.

[deepspacedukat]

also I’m alive! I made it through the first week of the collage summer semester 9:45-4:20 (lol 420) so yeah long days and since my collage professors all had the same mindset of make the first week a light work load I’ve managed to have finished this weeks workload just before dinner. I’m probably going to at least start one of my papers due next week just because I will have 4 papers due by week three and a 7-10 min slideshow presentation due by week eight plus test and quizzes. So yeah 😫 I ask myself why I would do this to myself every day but I enjoyed having a month off instead of starting summer semester A one week after my spring semester finals ended. So I went with a crammed summer semester B.

P.s. cinder is out for revenge because I gave her a bath today and Boreal (betta) was reflecting a rainbow today after I put a plant grow light up over his tank for the aquatic plants 😋 (I also moved my snail Bee into his tank to eat algae you can see her photo bomb in the background)

Okay, I know I'm super late answering this, but I hope your college work is going well! I hope it's not as bad as you thought it would be and that you are enjoying your classes!

Aww, bless Cinder and her revenge! (Now she a clean, grumpy lil bean 💙) Boreal and Bee are looking gorgeous in this pic as usual!! I hope they're doing well!

[whentherewerebicycles]

look at this photo my mom took from the ferry… gosh I want it to be summer so bad I’m so ready. I think we have one more day of gorgeous weather and then it rains all next week 😭

I did not sleep well last night as my carpal tunnel has returned with a vengeance & I’ve developed fun new issue (cubital tunnel syndrome!). so I just have excruciating pain alternating with numbness in my entire arm on both sides all night long 🫠 I have been wearing my wrist braces and finally ordered some elbow braces to try out in hopes that immobilizing my entire arm will bring some relief. it’s wild to me how much pain that little bit of nerve compression can cause!! then I wake up and it’s an hour or two before I can properly grip anything without wanting to cry. wahhh ok just have to remind myself I’m having a very easy pregnancy all things considered and this might be my big Painfully Uncomfortable Symptom.

today is very light on meetings again hurrah. I might try to spend some time working outside to soak up the sun while it’s here. here’s the list:

shower/get ready

breakfast with my parents before they leave

11-12 grants meeting with food bank

revise grant application

email faculty group to set up initial meeting

resolve comments in proposal doc

email FA about advisor panel

watch presentations workshop and take notes for my version—keep it simple

set a timer and spend 20-30 min working on mentorship workshop (I just need to chip away at this a little at a time)

meet with CB

grocery run

hockey game at 4 (listen while walking dogs)

actually cook dinner (maybe something with roasted veggies)

[ihavenoideahowtodream]

if you are seeing something telling you how to get rid of something that developed slowly with your aging and generally would take more than 15 mins to reasonably manage in your daily hygiene routine esp if the thing they are telling you will immediately fix your wrinkles, scars, cellulite, yellowed teeth, etc cost more than 20 bucks (usd for me at least) then the only thing ugly in that ad are their words.

You dont go wrinkle free at ~ 35+ cause youve been playing in the sun for decades. Gray hairs happen in your 20s and on. Cellulite is a result of normal body fat retention. It is good you have it too because if you get sick and/or have eating limitations or irritations then your body will start taking nutrients from your muscles and organs. That Spare Tire that you have that means you get jeans two sizes larger than this ad is telling you should have is good to have cause sometimes you get sick and it will take longer for your organs to start shutting down if you are loosing weight from your love handles than the muscles in your legs making it harder to walk. your legs will still get weaker but not be actively depleted so quickly.

white teeth also dont exist. it is something tooth paste companies have come up with to sell you more expensive toothpaste and while for the most part it doesnt damage your teeth it is more abrasive than non whitening toothpaste so if you have bad teeth of some kind or have a diet that can soften your enamel already like regular pop consumption it can damage your teeth more. understandably, there is a sliding scale of teeth yellowing for concern, if your teeth look like a school bus then discussing with your dentist about if you are experiencing gum disease is advisable but the damn tissue test is the same arbitrary scale where there are a million was to be a person incorrectly but theres no ideal person that isnt steeped in classism at best and racism at worst. And if your school bus yellow teeth are declared healthy by your dentist then you dont need to worry about them any more. and just because your teeth are as white as the us congress wont always mean you teeth are healthy either. I have a friend who is neurotic about brushing their teeth and have been for the full decade ive known them who was told they have reversible but mild gum disease. contrasted to my adhd ass who brushed my teeth once a week maybe till i finally put my toothbrush in my shower 6 mo ago. I had a singular mild cavity when i went to the dentist for the first time in 15 years last year.

the concept also that you have to pay a bunch of money otc to be "beautiful" is an obvious indicator of scams. Olay's anti wrinkle creams they sell for upwards of $50 (usd) and other brands being almost $200? thats just evil. wrinkles are fine. and we dont have to call them beautiful, or sexy, or signs of wisdom. cause they may or may not be for what ever reason. That kind of language is still commodifying an individual's body as the indicator of their moral worth. Like i genuinely hate the 2025 US president and have always found the jokes about his orange skin amusing. however, the fact that americans first and primary dig at a person they dislike, for what ever reason, is their skin color that whether manufactured or not it is unchangeable by the viewer and by the viewed at the time of the insult displays our idea that association of physical features and moral depravity can walk hand in hand.

the most basic levels of presentability are quite simple: keep your hair tagle free to the limitations of your hair type and use protective hair styles and wraps if it makes sense for you. dont have obvious smudges of dirt or such on face, hands, and clothing. general anti odor hygiene like a form of deodorant or a mint after spicy food. keep nails trimmed and clean. and have clothing on that you obviously feel comfort in- for some this is sweat pants and a hoodie with crocks, others a cocktail dress or suit and leather dress shoes, or like myself tight pants for compression pain management and coordinated colors for my own visual comfort when looking in a mirror and boots with ankle support that are at least mid calf high so i dont have to bend as far to tie them assuming they arent slip on. and the clothes also lacking smells like a cat pee odor.

and like this is baseline presentability for going out with friends, interacting with someone professionally, going on a date, or some other equivalent.

Make up (including foux and uv tanning), nail polish, hair dying and time consuming at home styling, impractical shoes, jewelry, designer clothes and accessories, and other things marketed as necessary for you to be the best and most attractive version of who you are exist for fun and should be enjoyed as games. however, participation in these things should be respected as much as the general presentability practices.

someone in designer clothes with styled naturally voluminous curly hair with makeup that had a bill with 4 digits on the receipt and someone who looks like they woke up in a ditch after a three day bachelor party they only remember the first 20 mins of have the exact same value and deserve the exact same respect no matter where they are.

beauty ads have the same message across the board:

you must buy your value and we decide if you bought it correctly.

their determination is always gonna be that you did not buy your value correctly so buy this other thing in the hopes we decide youve bought value correctly. and they never say you bought your value to their satisfaction so that you keep buying from them

beauty ads will kill you if you let them.

companies make billions from you thinking you're ugly btw. only ugly thing is their bottom line. log out of tiktok right now.

[canadamozsombi]

This ain’t so easy

Since the previous post I relocated to West Kelowna, where I’m doing a pet sit since Monday, looking after a cat (Biscuit) and a dog (Santana).

It was a pretty hard ride getting here, took around 50 min with all my bags it felt really long, the weather was pretty mild fortunately (would have been really gruesome in the sun, was sweating my balls off even in this weather) there was a fair bit of uphill in it too so yeah it was quite the challenge especially after being sick the days before.

I made it in the end, got in the house and met a dog who was absolutely not happy to see a stranger enter his palace so I was greeted with loud barking and he retreated to his owners’ bedroom immediately..The cat and I became friends fairly fast (this is the first cat I’ve met that loves licking my finger so much…it’s wild..and can be a bit annoying at times). After sitting in the hallway for half an hour waiting for the dog to get accustomed to my smell and my presence I decided to check out the house. It’s huge! The main floor has a kitchen-living room (american style), the owners’ bedroom with a bathroom, another bathroom, their kid’s bedroom and a garage (and a pretty big terrace). There is also a lower level with two bedrooms, a play room, a room with a working station/mini living room, a bathroom, a small kitchen another bathroom (currently occupied by the kitty litter, so actually not in real use) and a smaller “room” for the washing machine and dryer. The lower level has access to the backyard. Can’t really call it a garden since it’s so artificial..(Fake grass, pool with sun chairs and a few plants and whatnot). Long story short. It’s a big house. With an amazing view to the lake!

Oh yeah so about 20 min after I arrived I heard someone entering the house and since I knew Andrea was only coming in 3 days I wasn’t sure who that may be so I went upstairs to check it out. It turned out to be a realtor (I guess they’re selling the house?) who was told that there’d be nobody in the house so I managed to scare the living shit out of her by showing up haha. Funny thing is that once the dog saw her (and made friends with her effective immediately) he also stopped barking at me…Apparently dogs have a thing with genders, sometimes they prefer women over men or I don’t know, the realtor said that her dog does the same, just doesn’t trust men that easily or something..Anyway, soon after the dog and I were finally friends and he let me pet him and whatnot. Very chill dog (bernese), 10 years old so doesn’t do much, mainly lies around during the day. It’s quite a shame that he’s not an outside dog, I feel like he would’ve deserved a bigger garden and being outside all day…

So another funny bit about the dog. The owners said that the dog isn’t going out anymore, only for using the toilet and they let him out in the morning when they wake up and once in the evening, he goes outside does his thing and comes back. I was like, yeah that makes sense, nothing complicated. I went to bed the first night around 11 pm and I didn’t set an alarm so woke up around 8:30. Well. Apparently that is not when the owners wake up normally cause unfortunately it was outside of the dog’s comfort zone and as I walked up the stairs I was presented with two piles of poo and a big puddle of pee in the middle of the kitchen. On the plus side they have laminate flooring in the kitchen too. Oh wait that’s not a plus side. Funnily enough the dog was just as upset about it as I was, he barked at me a few times again apparently showing his displeasure that he had to make the kitchen his bathroom (or washroom as they call it here for some reason)…

Since then I’ve been waking up at 5:30 every morning, letting out the dog and then going back to sleep for another 2-3 hours. It works, haven’t had any accidents since then. Another reason to have your dog live outside!

Something completely different now. As I mentioned before I am trying to slow down these past weeks and look inwards which comes in handy as a preparation for this retreat there is a pretty long list of things to not do or eat and I’ve been noticing that slowing down is one thing but being able to stick to these guidelines is another. On the food side it means not eating dairy products, no junk food, no alcohol, less sugar, less salt and no strong spices (like garlic for example)..That rules out 70-80% of the things that I’ve been eating lately. What is allowed is rice, quinoa, other grains in general, bread, eggs, some specific meat (not that helpful as a vegetarian), fresh or cooked fruits and cooked or roasted vegetables. So it’s been rather challenging to figure out how to stick to at least some of these guidelines and a heavy realization how addicted I am to sugar. I’ve always known, but man this is next level..the craving is real…Like last night, after coming back from a short walk I made a banana oat milkshake just to have something sweet (I still put sugar in it but maybe a bit less than normally)..Basically I’m trying to limit my sugar input to my morning oatmeal and some fruits during the day maybe a milkshake in the afternoon/evening.…The other thing is organizers suggest that you should reduce your screen time..I assume the main things are social media/movies/news and other things that put a lot of stress on the nervous system with the constant new input, but yeah I am becoming even more conscious about how often I pick up my phone to scroll on instagram or watch a youtube reel to regulate my nervous system…So basically I am trying to limit my screen time to looking for jobs/writing applications, writing these blog entries, staying somewhat up to date about the mountain bike world cup scene (results mainly, no vlogs) and maybe watching an episode of a series or something in the evenings. Which probably sounds like a lot already, so you can imagine how much time I spent with these things before. And especially now that I am also not riding my bike or going on hikes that leaves a loooot of time to just. Be. With. My. Thoughts. Let me tell you they aren’t pretty…It’s messed up how much we are trained to NOT sit with even slightly uncomfortable feelings like boredom let alone the heavy ones like anxiety, guilt, shame or grief…(While writing this post I reached for my phone more often than I’d like to admit)..

Bit of context for the retreat, the goal with not eating all those things, less screen time or not engaging in extreme sports (like biking that I love so much) is to clean the body, mind and soul and be in a well nourished, calm state in general to prepare for the retreat. I hate to admit that it is actually really hard to do all those things and it took me 5 days of struggling to realize that I have an ebook reader with me and, thank the maker, reading is not forbidden so I started reading again and last night I finally finished my first Ken Wilber book (Brief history of everything)! I am not trying to complain, just sharing this side of my experience, afterall I signed up for this retreat on my own accord. I just noticed while writing this that I feel so “action” deprived that I’d consider connecting with people who would could possibly bring some chaotic energies and actually unwanted (but familiar!) feelings. It takes a few minutes to realize how much my nervous system is used to drama and action and actually being out of balance is the state that it is used to, therefore trying to bring it to a calmer state is a real challenge...

A question that’s been popping up in my mind lately is asking myself “how does this serve me?” Whether it’s another insta reel, or a sugar rush or something else, I find it really helpful (and sometimes annoying) to reflect on this and it usually helps me to bring my mind and soul back to a more focused and somehow wiser state/place.

(Yeah, I might be a bit biased with this cat…excuse the cat pics. Been trying to detect what makes me love her so much, and I think the way her wiskers have these dots on her cheeks make her look so cute somehow…)

On a different note, I finally bought my flight ticket back to Hungary! (Weird, I first wrote “home” then I corrected it to Hungary..I have mixed feelings about it, to a certain degree Pécs does feel like home still, while I know that I do not want to live there and due to lack of another place to call home at the moment). I’ll be visiting my friend, Edward, in St. Paul, Minnesota from June 12 till the 19th and will be arriving in Budapest on the 20th. I am curious how I’ll feel about going home again, now I feel pretty committed to this new path but I wonder how will it affect me to see some of the people that I connected with before New Zealand, I wonder if that’s gonna be a challenge or my commitment will be strong enough to help me through it..We shall see!

On that note, I finally applied for a job (trainee programme actually) in Ireland! It’s a 12 months program at a trust that’s trying to support homeless people with housing, addiction prevention and a bunch of other things. After working a whole lot on my CV, writing a cover letter, contacting my previous employer for referees it feels good to finally have something going again! Will try to apply to a few more positions before going to the retreat.

And last but not least, a bit of shameless self advertising. I am setting up an online men’s group within the online integral community that I am part of and I am really excited about that! I have noticed that I have issues being vulnerable around men and that I am automatically leaning towards women when it comes to sharing some of my more guarded experiences and thoughts, and I want to work on that. I heard this great quote in a podcast recently “if you wanna fix your relationship with women, fix your relationship with men” and I find a lot of meaning in that, I have a lot of work to do on both fronts. I feel like with all this toxic masculinity stuff floating a lot of good things have been lost and we kinda threw out the baby with the bathwater in terms of what men should be, what values we should have and I sure as hell do not feel confident in my manhood but I want to. Long story short feel free to reach out if you feel called to it!

Obligatory song recommendation:

Scott Mulvahill - Begin Againers

Just a dude with a double bass singing bluesy stuff, it is incredibly catchy and somehow grounding. He has a crazy good voice too! I made a short playlist with two other songs like this, I think the chords and the structure that all of these songs use really resonate with me these days for some reason.

[cazort]

I have been close to multiple alcoholics, both family and friends. The AA narrative rings true for some of them but not others. One grad student I was friends with had tried repeatedly to moderate his drinking and failed. He finally concluded that he couldn't touch alcohol. He told me that any time he opened a bottle of wine, he found it impossible to resist drinking the whole thing, so he had to stop completely.

Another alcoholic I know, whose ex-wife was an alcoholic and still is, found it easier to moderate his alcohol use after his divorce. Prior to the divorce, his alcoholism was so bad that it caused him to lose his job. I now occasionally see him drink one beer, and in spite of having easy access to free alcohol, he only drinks one. I saw him at a wedding and he only drank one beer. His home is stocked with high-quality liquor and he doesn't touch it, only serving it to others. But he occasionally enjoys craft beers with his meals.

I also have seen a lot of alcohol abuse in a college party setting. One friend who used to get drunk frequently to the point of throwing up, regularly, now only drinks occasionally, often using more weed than alcohol, and rarely throwing up. There's a huge difference in terms of health effects between drinking 5-7 drinks quickly, throwing up and/or blacking out, vs. drinking 3-4 drinks more slowly, and maybe smoking some weed sometimes. No, it's not totally sober, but it's WAAAY better.

Everyone needs to figure out their own harm reduction limits. It will likely not be the same for all people, and it doesn't need to be.

I observed people around me, and developed my own rules surrounding alcohol, which I follow strictly. They include:

Never drink liquor alone

Never drink more than 2 glasses of red wine or dark liquor in one evening

Never drink more than 5 drink equivalents in a 24 hour period.

If I drink more than 2 drinks in one evening, I don't drink anything the next day.

Switch to weaker alcohol as the night progresses. Liquor to wine to beer...never in reverse unless I am sticking to very light drinking where I am at most slightly tipsy.

Always have two nights a week where I don't touch alcohol.

If I drink one drink, wait 1 hour past when I stopped drinking, before driving. With two, wait 2 hours 15 min (after the last drink), with three, wait 3 hours 30 min. Never drive after having 4 drinks.

Never drink a drink at a party that I didn't see someone make.

Never leave my drink unattended at a bar or large party.

Never drink a drink at a party that is in a glass or vessel where I am uncertain of its volume. Stick to beer bottles or drinks in solo cups or other vessels where I am practiced with assessing volume; when in doubt, actually measure the volume by pouring it into another vessel. (I have done this at parties. No one notices or cares! Especially crazy parties where solo cups are present.)

Check the ABV on alcohol because it can be wildly variable, like beer is usually 5-6% but is commonly 4-7% and rarely 2-14%. Wine is usually 11-15%, sometimes lower, and including wine-like drinks like port, sometimes closer to 20%. Liquor is often 40% ish but crazily variable and can be much higher or lower relatively commonly. Factor ABV into drink calculations and think in fractions. If too drunk to do the math, stop drinking.

Some people may not need these rules. Others may need stricter rules.

every time I mention how many days sober I am I appreciate people congratulating me and telling me to keep up the good work. it is nice. but I also wish that milestones in addiction recovery weren’t still so pinned to length of sobriety/abstinence

yeah yeah I’m 50 days sober who cares. how about the fact that, when I do drink, it tends to be nipped in the bud after two days nowadays instead of weeks or months? how about the fact that drinking has been condensed to a six pack because I’m at the end of my tether, instead of browning out every night? how about my friend who has decided to stop drinking alone, and is actually sticking to that? recovery doesn’t always look like sobriety and I wish it was more normal to talk about that. yknow. when addiction is normal to talk about at all