#i hate you. we're no longer friends. blocked & unfollowed. )

[zealctry]

You hold onto him, your fingers in his suit ( you're pretty sure your touch has left imprints in the cloth from where you keep reaching for him, maybe even in his skin ) and he gives you the same charming smile he always does, the skin around his eyes creasing with the affection he feels for you. You wanted to pull him into a kiss and his spine bends to do so but then something changes, something shifts. You blink, trying to make sense of the situation but suddenly it's not cloth you're holding onto but the beautifully carved handle of a knife. A familiar knife, an iron knife, stabbed right into his chest. Did you do that? Were you trying to pull it out? You can't remember, everything is a blur of nothing but it will be okay, right? He will chuckle and roll his eyes about it and it will be okay. It will be o---. Something smells of smoke. Your gaze snaps up and he is smiling at you, reaching out to cup your cheek and brush his thumb over your skin. But you barely register it, just as you barely register the words he chokes (I love you.) because there is black blood seeping through his lips and the hand that is cradling you begins to burn and chip away. But you cannot escape. You have to watch him die because he can die. You killed him (did you?), your little source of happiness. He kisses you, one last time, and death lingers on your lips in the form of his ashes. And as he finally burns away the knife falls to the ground with a haunting echo. He is dead. He is gone. You wake up.

(( Belphegor was in the mood to give him a nightmare <3 while he's out here chilling in some corner of Hidan's room. )) / I am being personally victimized by @helllords, send help.

his eyes snap open with a pull of will and Hidan crashlands into reality with a throat scratched raw, bled out, stuffed to the brim with ash, sandpaper-hoarse and desert-dry ( there is no sound, he remembers no sound that had his neighbours yanked out of their sleep at 3AM, plunged into a fucking horrorshow ). the sheets entangle him, trap him, cling wetly and he shoves them aside with a hand unveiling a heaving chest.

fingers, hands (his own?), come to cover his face. wet wet wet, and he doesn’t open his eyes, he doesn’t look at them, doesn’t want to, doesn’t want to see whatever is coating them ( red or black or— in the end, it’s all the same, golden or black, dark or green; one face blurs into another, and it doesn’t matter if it’s been five years or just mere moments ago.)

it isn’t real. it isn’t real it isn’t real it isn’t real it isn’t real it isn’t real it isn’t real it isn’t real it isn’t real it isn’t real it isn’t real it isn’t real it isn’t real it isn’t real it isn’t real—

     except when it is.      ( except when it isn’t a dream but a reality that is slitting your throat. )

labored breathing, panting, incoherent sounds assault his eardrums, reverberating from far away, reaching him as through a sponge, barely registering in his mind. whose breathing? in the dark, who’s out there breathing. .. . ?  

 ( he’s breathing until he isn’t and darkness blurs the edges of his sanity, making everything spin. )

and then the animalistic impulses return, force him into automatic, mindless operation. large, cold gulps of air — he sucks them in and they tumble through his lungs like ice-water, choking him out. it isn't real. the memory-that-in-not-one ( it is not real, nothing in the dreamlands is real except the consequences upon awakening ), as cold and unscrupulous as a cobra, digs its barbs into his flesh, makes every single one of his bones shake. they rattle and dance in this sack of flesh that traps him here on earth, that chains him down. his arteries are ablaze.

( his body is shaking. he isn’t sobbing. he isn’t. —— he isn’t, he isn’t, he isn’t, and he isn’t for a long while. )

[hegrowth]

🚩 🚩🚩TEA. SPILL. NOW.

send me a 🚩 and i'll share my unpopular rpc opinions and hot takes. || accepting

oof ya'll we are in for it now. it's time... for puffin's hot take on softblocking. because yes I am and always will be salty about this shit, come fucking fight me and my anxiety-ridden existence.

firstly. I softblock inactive and archived blogs. I think that's chill. but I also always say I'm doing that, so in the event I accidentally softblock someone I didn't mean to and they check my blog like ??? they'll see that post and be like ah okay, it was a mistake.

now. for the love of fuck, why do people say they softblock when unfollowing folks in their rules but also state they do not want to be contacted if they unfollow you ? this is why I have anxiety. like, if you're gonna get offended every time someone messages you to make sure it wasn't an accident or glitch just block people.

and yeah, that is probably where 90% of my anxiety comes from, and why I struggle to reach out to people. because me, popping into someones DMs to make sure it wasn't a mistake gave them the ick and they decide to vague about me or block me anyway. grow the fuck up. and stop assuming the worst about people !

because you know what ? your self-righteous "ew don't talk to me after cutting you off" like tumblr isn't a glitching hellsite / mobile tumblr isn't an accidental thumb-swish away from deleting your blog is not friendly to your neurodivergent followers who struggle to understand situations and approach people.

because being disgusted by someone's genuine concern is shitty. if I come to you like, hey... it's because I noticed, and it mattered to me, and I managed to overcome the anxiety telling me everyone secretly hates me. you being rude about it isn't sexy, and it isn't cool. like, good for you. you're no longer being haunted by my lame ass.

listen. I understand that anxiety exists, obviously. but if that whole situation up top gives you anxiety then you should just block people. and also, if you are softblocking folks but aren't comfortable with them contacting you about it ??? copypastas bitch. a simple "hey, thanks for reaching out ! I did mean to softblock you, nothing personal, just please don't contact me anymore or follow me." goes a long fucking way, because if they then choose to keep pushing it ? you've set your boundaries, they're the asshole now, not you.

because the sentiment I see a lot is "I don't owe you an explanation" and I agree with that 10,000% !! do not come to me asking about why I blocked you or your friend or whatever else, I will not tell you, I do not have to tell you. but re: the copypasta I provided above ? no reasons, just facts. the only explanation you do owe someone is a clarification of the situation, aka setting your boundaries. no one needs to know why those boundaries are being set, in fact I fucking applaud you for setting them, but you do need to communicate that those boundaries are there.

SOFTBLOCKING ISNT ENFORCING A CLEAR BOUNDARY. softblocking is a petty ass way to rid yourself of someone. the metaphor I often see used is its the equivalent of scooping up a spider in your house on a piece of paper and putting it outside. I don't know about ya'll, but when I'm removing a critter from my home that I do not want in it I am actively talking to it and explaining the situation, even if it doesn't understand me, because I want it to know I mean it no harm and please don't come back. guys, no fucking joke, I wished a wasp a merry fucking christmas when I had to remove it from my house because I felt so bad my cat had been torturing it. wasps probably don't celebrate christmas !

point being, I communicate my boundaries to the spiders I'm taking out of my house like they're going to respect them. ya'll should do the fucking same. grow up. we all have anxiety. we all struggle to understand and accept certain social environments and interactions, especially online. we're all doing our best.

don't be a fucking asshole if you softblock someone and they want to make sure it was purposeful. in fact, don't be an asshole to anyone. there is no valid reason to be an asshole to anyone in the rpc, jfc.

also yes, if you softblock me I will block you, because I do not have the mental endurance to deal with the "they hate me" monologue spiraling through my silly little brain. because too many times I have experienced scorn and disgust and hate at being reached out to about softblocking and that has cemented in my brain, more than the anxiety it was a mistake. like just fucking block me, then.

so like. either don't softblock folks or grow up and communicate your boundaries, idk. and don't be an asshole, as previously stated.

this probably doesn't make any sense and has errors in logic / rationale but it's my anxious, frustrated ramblings so fuck it

final thoughts: please don't softblock me ! thanks

[divineprank]

🐶💀✋

[Munday No-No and Yes-Yes!]

🐶 for a role play related pet peeve

𝖳𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗂𝗌 𝗉𝗋𝗈𝖻𝖺𝖻𝗅𝗒 𝗀𝗈𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗍𝗈 𝗆𝖺𝗄𝖾 𝗆𝖾 𝗅𝗈𝗈𝗄 𝗅𝗂𝗄𝖾 𝖺 𝒹𝒾𝒸𝓀, 𝖻𝗎𝗍... 𝐼 𝑔𝑒𝓃𝓊𝒾𝓃𝑒𝓁𝓎 𝒽𝒶𝓉𝑒 𝒾𝓉 𝓌𝒽𝑒𝓃 𝑴𝑶𝑺𝑻 𝑜𝒻 𝒶𝓃 𝑅𝒫 𝓇𝑒𝓈𝓅𝑜𝓃𝓈𝑒 𝒾𝓈 𝓌𝓇𝒾𝓉𝓉𝑒𝓃 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽 𝒹𝒾𝒻𝒻𝑒𝓇𝑒𝓃𝓉 𝒻𝑜𝓃𝓉𝓈, 𝓈𝒾𝓏𝑒𝓈, 𝓼𝓹𝓪𝓬𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽 𝒶𝓇𝒷𝒾𝓉𝓇𝒶𝓇𝓎 𝒷𝑜𝓁𝒹𝓈 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒾𝓉𝒶𝓁𝒾𝒸𝓈. ﻨ սռժεгรէձռժ էհձէ ﻨէ'ร รսթթօรεժ էօ ъε բօг λεsτнετις ρυгρσsεs, ъսէ... Iт ɢeтѕ тo α poιɴт wнere yoυ cαɴ тell тнe αυтнor ιѕ нιdιɴɢ вeнιɴd αll тнeѕe ғαɴcy decorαтιoɴѕ вecαυѕe тнey doɴ'т ғeel coɴғιdeɴт ιɴ тнe qυαlιтy oғ тнeιr owɴ wrιтιɴɢ 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚞𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚊𝚛𝚝𝚒𝚏𝚒𝚌𝚒𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚋𝚘𝚘𝚜𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚒𝚖𝚙𝚊𝚌𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎��𝚛 𝚠𝚛𝚒𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚋𝚢 𝚞𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚟𝚒𝚜𝚞𝚊𝚕 𝚜𝚒𝚐𝚗𝚊𝚕𝚜.

Honestly, though, I'm an old lady and shit like this gets tedious to try and read. I don't mind when the entire post has one singular font or size change, because usually it's for legibility reasons more so than ~aesthetic~. I just really hate when the entire post is just completely illegible. It's also usually very exclusionary towards those of us with visual impairments that rely on text-to-speech readers because those programs don't recognize the letters as they display and will proceed to speak out each individual character's browser codepoint rather than the letter it's supposed to represent. Certain browsers and smartphones have this problem, too.

Send ☠️ for something that will result in a instant unfollow from you

Callout posts. I've been on this trash hellsite for longer than most of you have been adults (that's a real accomplishment for me, I know. 🙄) and I know for a fact that every single one of us hasn't always been our best towards someone else in some way or another. It happens, we're complex creatures: most of us with some kind of chemical imbalance in our brains. This is why I believe most callout posts aren't necessary and, more often than not, they only prove to stoke the flames of whatever stupid internet drama someone's involved in. Callouts have rapidly devolved from serious warnings from extremely dangerous, frightening individuals to weird displays of entitlement wherein folks demand the mass-unfollowing of an individual because they've discovered they are incompatible as friends. I don't think anybody has the right to completely destroy someone's reputation because they got into a fight with them privately and have learned that one or both parties are not yet mature enough to handle conflict in a grown-up manner. It's not anyone's fault that they don't know when to walk away from a failing and incompatible friendship other than their own, you know? I just don't have the energy for this type of shit anymore. I don't believe it's my responsibility to navigate fucking tumblr of all places by having to tip-toe around and remember to avoid the specific people that someone who follows me has personally had beef with. I've got too much shit going on in my life, I'm not going to remember that and it's extremely unfair to expect me to. I'm sorry, I know it's not easy to hear but the only person that's responsible for your online safety and comfort is you.

This website has blocking features. This website has reliable filters that remove posts you don't want to see on your dashboard. Learn what browser extensions and add-ons are, and if possible, stop using tumblr on your mobile device. There are steps you can take to protect yourself that don't require making sure other people remember to keep track of this stuff for you, too. Sorry about the rant, I'm just getting too old and extremely sick of social media, honestly.

Send ✋ for a prompt/plot/concept/ anything you refuse to role play

The sexual exploitation of children is absolutely unacceptable in my book. Which is, y'know, pretty universally understood to be a no-no across nearly all creeds and walks of life. But, as someone who mainly writes for villains, you'd be surprised by how much I've been approached for shit like that.

Fuck that, and fuck you if you have the balls to ask me to write something like that with you, or if you try to write me into that corner. :) Thanksssssssssssssssssss

[vanillahub]

Please read!

Edit 1: You don't need to follow the hub*, but that'd be very helpful for me to check if we're still mutuals or not. Just please, make sure you're following at least one of the RP side blogs, and not just the hub.

*Addendum: If you use the "disable comments from people you don't follow" feature, then I ask you kindly to follow the hub and not just the RP side-blog. Because it prevents me from commenting on your posts, since the comment is coming from this blog rather than the side one. Failing to do this heavily affects the way I can engage with you and your blog/muses.

If I've followed you, it is for one of these blogs:

@galaccias - Star wars Multimuse (Not following new SW mutuals)

@healbellls - Pokemon Multimuse

@hxdrostorms - In limbo rn will be reworked into a Castlevania one

@santuxrio - Saint Seiya Multimuse

As of the 25th of February 2024, I've been prioritizing Discord RP over Tumblr.

Interested in Discord RP? Check out @vanirpads

In light of a new awfull trend across the RPC: I don't send any anonymous messages ever. If you receive any form of hateful message with my name attached, ignore and delete it. Without a doubt, it is someone looking to impersonate me, in hopes of sparking controversy. It is a shame this has to be addressed.

Rules highlights:

I'm a big supporter of 'tag & curate your online experience', 'ship and let ship', 'don't like don't read' (Dead dove don't eat), 'fiction can affect reality, but it will never be that', 'shipping/fandom isn't activism'. If you have any issues with these things, then this blog might not be for you.

I do send in passwords/anything that the mun requires, to let them know I have read their rules. But, unless specified, I'll only do that AFTER being followed back. Because I don't wish to make it seem like I'm "pressuring" them to follow/interact with me.

I reserve the right to unfollow and block anyone, I don’t owe an explanation for doing so. Do not evade it, nor send people after me in an attempt to score an answer for you. If you find out you’ve been blocked by me, move on like any other person would.

The same goes out to anyone following me, who wishes to break mutuals with! Block and unfollow to your heart’s content, IDC what you do in order to feel well. I’d much prefer being softblocked, so I don’t end up sending prompts or interacting with your posts/blog, without realising we no longer were mutuals.

Anonymous messages are permanently turned off.

There’s no pressure when it comes to interacting with my muses. As in, if you’re only looking to interact with one out of all the other options? I’m cool with that. The choice is yours, I’ll obviously try to offer as many as I can see fit for us. But I’ll never force anything upon anyone. And on that note: All I ask in return is to respect my grading system for muses (primary, secondary & tertiary/friends only stuff)! As mentioned in the directories, while I don’t mind HC asks aimed at those tertiary muses. Interactions and plots are reserved only for my long-time partners or friends!

Reblog karma is in effect, if I reblog a prompt from you I will send in something back. And I expect the same from you, if you do nothing but reblog memes directly from me without sending anything back, you will be blocked. I have a tolerance when it comes to mutuals, I’ll contact you to stop with it. However, I have zero tolerance for non-mutuals.  

I am NOT fictionkin nor self-insert friendly, I’ve had way too many bad run ins with them, and I want nothing to do with them! Mun =/= Muse, if you can’t understand that concept then leave. I’m NOT my muses, and I’m not here to judge anyone, but I'm also not here to fulfill anyone’s fantasies like that.

Non-mutuals: please refrain from sending prompts that have been  specifically tagged/marked as ‘mutuals’. They have been marked in such  way, for a reason. I get you may want to draw my attention to your blog,  however, that’s not the way to go about it (If you do this, I’ll likely  take it as an attempt to brute force your way into my boundaries. DMing  me is a whole lot better.). I take a while to follow people back, you can find more info in regards to ��what I look into people’s blogs & take into consideration before  following back in my rules.   

I’m strongly against the idea of “if we’re mutuals, then we’re immediately friends!” (as it promotes an unhealthy sense of overfamiliarity, and it has put me in awkward situations in the past). So please, don’t go around calling me a friend, unless we’ve known each other and have been in constant contact for quite some time. It’s nothing against anyone, that’s just how I roll.

On following: If I don’t get followed back in my actual rp blogs after an week or so, I’ll take that as the person’s way of saying they aren’t interested and I’ll unfollow & softblock if they only followed the hub! Of course, I may contact the person in case they have already answered to my asks or other things.

If you’re someone who keeps adding new muses every other day, or is always making new blogs and quickly abandoning old ones (aka drifters or blog-hoppers). Then, it’s very unlikely we will mesh well as writing partners. It’s nothing personal, but this sort of thing doesn’t work well with me. I need rping partners, who wish to stick around for the long run. I can’t and won’t keep up with muns, who are always doing those things and clearly have other things in mind for RPing.

I don't have access to the Legacy editor only the new beta one. I'm using the new XKit trim posts, for my RP responses.

[wri0thesley]

the survey post seems to have made everyone mad and RIGHTLY SO!! it's honestly crazy that people don't understand why lack of interaction pisses off writers or creators. the effort it takes to write is monumental - writers block is literally that, a block in your mind. it's like... imagine doing a sport, slowly perfecting it, becoming very good at it, and then... five people out of the 3000 or so watching give you a clap. that's how it feels. also like, writers need inspiration and that often comes from literally anything. do people think our ideas come out of thin air with no prior influence?

i would always 100% trade a 3k note post with like, 12 reblogs and only 3 with tags for a 20 note post where ten are replies are ten are reblogs with tags. i DO think there are some issues with writers where readers who do take the time to comment and read and leave sweet messages kind of get ignored (and then feel bad about it when we leave, because they actually were doing their best!) just because we're so exasperated about the level of interaction otherwise? even anons who don't sign with an emoji, people who don't use their urls will occasionally come into my inbox and i will recognise them and i do try to spend a little longer replying to them; i'm way more likely to reply with drabbles and things to those kind of messages just because i value their support and the inspiration that they provide is always so helpful and motivating ;_;

although i'm ngl sometimes i do see my writer mutuals post something and then get sad it 'flopped' and it has like nearly 1000 notes. i get 10 notes on a post and i'm like WOW. HIT TWEET. it's a sad circle; writers get sad about lack of interaction, readers who do interact get scared to interact in case their interaction is unwelcome (i think mutual circles occasionally make that difficult, too; if you only ever see someone acknowledging their very close circle of five friends when they get complimented and your continuous interaction does get ignored, it makes you not want to interact i don't think).

i think the reader/writer relationship is super special and requires work on both ends, but it does feel more and more like there aren't as many readers who want to put in the effort and they just consume and move onto the next thing.

ALSO one of the replies was like 'all writers are interchangeable to me' and i'm like ???? i see something one of the writers i follow wrote and i can often pick out who it is just by the first couple of lines even if i don't look at the url??? if you're just mindlessly consuming what you're reading and moving on you're definitely not getting the full experience!!

dfvnkjkngf i hope this made sense. i'm not trying to be like 'WELL ITS WRITERS FAULTS TOO' but i do think that it is a difficult double edged sword! but literally none of that excuses sending a writer anon hate, bitching about them and stuff. just unfollow people you're no longer vibing with! its that easy!

[iamanartichoke]

Some people: I reject this canon bc I don't like it! I'm gonna rewrite whatever I want to! I refuse to accept Ragnarok/the series/ etc as canon bc I hate it and it sucks and is ~problematique~ don't tell me how to fandom

Also some people: Um Loki's eyes are CANONICALLY A Color, y'all can headcanon what you want but I am 1000% serious and unyielding on this so keep your dumbass headcanons away from my pure canon Loki, who doesn't need to be changed anyway bc he's perfect as he is

This is an extremely petty post, and I'm not above admitting it, but I have just unfollowed and blocked some people with whom I've been mutuals for literal years, bc it's not that I care that "canon says this" and "I don't share your headcanon," I literally don't give a shit about Loki's eye color - it's that if I can't even make light-hearted comments on a mutual's posts without it snowballing into What's Correct and What's Not, not to mention getting condescending shade thrown at me in the tags and my clarification that I wasn't trying to Start Shit being completely ignored, then honestly, good riddance. I'm tired of the negativity, I'm tired of everything always being an Issue, I'm tired of walking on eggshells in this stupid fandom bc I keep trying to spare people's feelings and give them the benefit of the doubt even when I no longer agree with them or their takes bc "we're friends." Clearly we are not friends, and my feelings don't matter, so I'm done. I realize they won't care that I'm done, or likely even notice, and maybe I'm making mountains out of molehills here or reacting to "imagined slights" but whatever - it's for my own peace of mind, anyway.

[evilwickedme]

I know we're not supposed to care about being good or bad jews, but can I ask? I'm scared to even mention I live in israel because last time I mentioned something I was harassed and accused of not caring about others. Just for stating what country I live in. I wanted to reblog a meme about Israel being filled with cats, and I relate to that because cats are everywhere, but I was scared to be harassed again. I blocked all the tags but I still see this everywhere. Do you have like, any advice?

Right so I guess this answer is gonna be complicated and simple at the same time? cause I’m obviously very open about living in Israel but like, relatively to how long I’ve been on the website - cause I joined tumblr in 2010, which is a full decade ago - I spent most of my time on here not being open about it and not talking about. Like if you paid attention you might notice that I was mutuals with a lot of Israelis who are people I know in real life (@thelordofthecats is one of my best friends, for example, and he has being Israeli in his bio) but my blog was tiny and nobody was really paying attention. I think I had managed to gain 400 followers or so by 2017, which is when I really exploded by joining jumblr and I had several relatively viral posts getting hundreds if not thousands of notes per day for a while there. And the thing is I wasn’t outspoken about being Israeli because I had a friend in high school who had several thousand followers and was actively harassed for months at a time for being Israeli and I just didn’t want to bring that attention to me. I often just plain delete controversial statements and honestly I’m not that shy about it because if I don’t agree with something I said why should I keep it up and have people come at me with “receipts” over something I don’t agree with or even just generally leads to people having so called ammo against me? So for a long time I was avoiding conflict altogether. But once I stopped avoiding conflict and became very, very outspoken about antisemitism - basically in response to CDM and the Jewish pride flag issue, and that feels like ages ago, but that was what brought me into the jumblr sphere for good - there was no real reason to hide the fact that I’m Israeli because I was already inviting trouble as is and I might as well be clear about my position as someone who lives where I live and how that obviously influences my opinions.

And okay this is clearly a bit of a wall of text but my point is that I didn’t so much choose to divulge that I was Israeli as much as there was no longer any point to hide it. If I was going to get messages telling me to burn in an oven anyway there was no real difference if it came because my parents decided to have me here and not in the States or because I dare to be Jewish, period. And a lot of that has calmed down recently - I’m not nearly as active as I was in 2017-2018, not just in jumblr but in general, as a combination of me really getting into fandoms such as TMA that go on my sideblog @queerastronauts rather than this one and of university really kicking my ass and working basically whenever not studying, so I’m not really getting any attention except for once in a while having someone reblog an old post of mine and it getting a dozen notes or so before dying off, whether in a positive or negative light (mostly positive light, thank God). But I can’t, like, go back in the closet about being Israeli - people know now, there are 2,145 of you who follow me and most of you followed me during my intense jumblr phase - so I’m sort of stuck with it now.

So, uh, I guess it’s just weighing your risks. Say what you will about tumblr, I do think that the culture has shifted over the last couple of years towards unfollowing or blocking people we don’t like instead of getting into pointless arguments with them. Or at least, that’s what I see in my personal sphere. If I see someone posting antizionist or exclusionist or whatever content I don’t agree with I just unfollow them and then I’m done with it. And if you’re a big blog, you have to weigh the risks. Big blogs tend to get hate no matter what - someone once reblogged a post of mine and called me out for being a Taylor Swift fan, of all things, and like, if that’s the worst you got against me, I’m not really bothered. So you have to decide whether or not you’re willing to also get hate for this. And it’s a pro-con situation but the truth is you don’t want the virulent antisemitic antizionists following you anyway (I’m not saying all antizionists are antisemitic, chill, I’m talking about a specific yet undeniably common type of antizionists).

Also, if you reblog that meme about the cats in Israel I posted which is honestly objectively hilarious, that’s not the same as coming out as Israeli anyway, because it’s enough for you to know someone in Israel or have visited Israel to know that’s true.

Also, if someone is being a dick towards you, point them towards me, and I will F I T E T H E M

[amistytown]

tbh, as much as I'm very "of course I'll be a nuisance on my own blog," I still get days where I feel as though everything is a lie and there's no point to me being online or talking about anything or my oc or trying to socialize when I'm dogshit at keeping up with people, and those times I get the strongest urge to delete my blog too. I've come close a couple times, and while sometimes I'm able to distract myself from thinking about it with stay off the site a bit, I find that... the most helpful thing for me is to remind myself that there are people who really do seem to enjoy my presence?

And while it's very easy to give in to the voices that tell you that you're annoying, unwanted, and that everyone could be lying to you about how much they like you, idk it just seems like the evidence points to no, you're not nearly as bad as you think you are. This is my thought process:

If I really were as unbearable as my mind makes me think I am, then more than half the people I'm mutuals with would've either unfollowed me or blocked me straight up already. They're not lying to me about liking me because that's just so much effort on their end when again, it really would just be easier to be rid of me. If I were unwanted, they'd have curated their feeds to where I am no longer around for them to be annoyed at. We're on Tumblr for a good time, why would anyone put themselves through the hassle of faking liking someone? This isn't Twitter lmao (and if people here are faking, well. That's on them. It's much more convenient to just block someone. What are you hate-following someone for?)

And even then, there's considering the fact that the people who do find that they don't enjoy my presence have already done something to filter me out. The people still around want me around. Perhaps it's on some level parasocial, but it's not as if we're random fans in someone's comment section having one way conversations; there's actual dialogue, a sharing of experiences on and one-to-one level. Internet friendships really are a Thing.

I think taking certain things into perspective helps as well. Simply knowing that the feeling comes and goes helps remind me that the feeling does come and it will go. And it reminds me to ask myself; if I delete my blog and cut myself off from the things I enjoy here, how much will I regret it once the feeling has passed? Would it be better for me in the long run to not have this outlet for sharing my experiences and finding others who enjoy the same things I do?

Which will sometimes bring up the question of "perhaps I should delete my blog for my better health?" and you know what? That's fair! If you really think you need to cut yourself off from it, then sure. In the end, it's still a blog and you can easily remake. (Or you can just leave it inactive and delete the app, that way if you ever change your mind, everything is still here)

I know I'm like, annoying when completely unfiltered lmao but another thing I think to myself is that there is are whole communities of people here who are fucking unbearable and whose ideals and content actively harm others, and I think they should all delete themselves off the internet but they're still here.

If TERFs, transphobes, racists, and all the like get to freely have their presence on here (and even actively intrude upon others' spaces to spread their agenda), why can't you? When you're literally just here enjoying your blorbos with your friends?

You've got every right to be here and have a good time.

But yeah. Tl;dr I kind of try to ground myself in some way by considering the external since like, I get the impulse to delete blog at least once a week yet I know it's an intrusive, unwanted thought. Hope some of this helps even just a little; I like having you around. We can be annoying together <3

That's exactly how I feel! You described everything really well, and I'm sorry you have those thoughts and feelings too. They can be difficult to deal with. Though a part of me is relieved I'm not alone lol. I think there are a lot of people who share our worries, but don't want to voice them because they're afraid to. I love reassuring and comforting others when they need it; your feelings are completely valid, and you shouldn't be ashamed of them. I know I enjoy you and your blog, and Tumblr wouldn't be the same without you!

Yeah, sometimes my mind goes to a place where it convinces me I don't matter to people or I'm a burden. I've been better at controlling those feelings, but my therapy session seemed to make me relive some of my darkest moments, and I felt very anxious and dissociated after. Maybe it's something I should mention to her, but I imagine talking about those memories becomes easier over time. I'm feeling a bit better today after getting out of the house at least. I hope you're doing well!

I really like your thought process, and I'll have to practice changing my way of thinking when I spiral. It's crazy how your own mind can pit you against yourself! I know I'd regret deleting my blog because it brings me more happiness than anything. My anxieties seem to seep into everything when I get in that frame of mind, but I need to stay positive and think things out logically. And this definitely helped and put things in perspective. I really appreciate you reaching out and being supportive! If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm always here ♥