#i hate this game i swear but also blizzard has so much they could do that they’re just not doing

[lyriumsings]

personally i don’t want to fuck ramattra but i will admit the way people draw him makes him weirdly pretty??? LMAOOO also he’s voiced by dorian pavus and that automatically gives him real estate in my heart

[seyaryminamoto]

I'm so hype about the overwatch deathlock rebels, finally my gurl Ashe gets a more clear background story but I sad at the same time because it seems like many hate ashe for unreasonable causes. They hate Ashe just because she gets in the way of a their ship. These are the same people who said they're not in the overwatch fandom because of ships, but throws rock just because McAshe is hinted to crush/smth. Btw I'm a McGenji shipper but I do like McAshe stuffs too and I see its potential as canon

Oh, mad respect to you, McGenji anon, mad respect. I've been so out of things lately because I'm still REELING from that book, I swear I have never known a feeling quite like this one? xD I was afraid the book might end up validating a lot of toxic ideas people had about Ashe, but instead I feel it completely outruled them and showed that, whether people like it or not, she and McCree had a pretty good relationship (whether you wanna see it as romantic or not) back in the day. The minute these two were face to face in Reunion my shipper senses just went BONKERS, and I already thought that Reunion was all they'd ever give us, canon-wise... but nope, they just went all out with this book and now there's so much more context to so many little things in Reunion too *sobs* I am completely overtaken by these cowboy renegades, my head's cowboy brainrot 24/7 since June 1st xD

But yep, people are really unbearable with their mindless Ashe hate. I keep thinking that, if she were a guy, everyone trashing her would jump at the opportunity to ship her with just every possible male character they could find, not only McCree. I don't even know, honestly, just how difficult can it be to ship what you ship without turning any characters into boogeymen because "they get in the way of the ship"? It's a childish, dumbass thing I've seen in fandoms since I was a kid and I can't believe I'm still seeing it happen in this godforsaken year of 2021. Ashe and McCree are absolutely at odds in the latest events in Overwatch's timeline: I love the idea of them slowly regaining their trust in each other while working together to stop Null Sector, Talon or whatever they'll be fighting in OW2. But anyone who DOESN'T ship them? They can easily imagine whatever else they want to imagine for their future and move on just fine. McAshe absolutely can be seen as a past relationship, or even as a past friendship with unresolved feelings, when making content for any other ship with McCree or Ashe, if they even feel the need to acknowledge it altogether. It's not even challenging to do this.

Heck, as someone who has spent ages creating content for a ship that, however much traction it has gained lately, isn't likely to become canon, where one half of the ship has been in a canon, confirmed, actual relationship since the show ended (even if it's still not confirmed as his endgame relationship), this hissy fit by the Ashe haters, mainly from the-ship-that's-better-off-not-named, is beyond ridiculous. I've written stories where a canon relationship ends, giving way to my OTP, WITHOUT trashing the other character in the canon relationship, and without turning her into a monster just to justify my ship's existence. If I can do that without a hitch, I don't see how they can't? It makes no sense to me, honestly.

There's also an apparent uproar because McCree and Ashe are "het" now? There's no canon confirmed sexuality for either of them to this moment, no matter if there were definite sparks flying in Deadlock Rebels, just as there was no confirmed sexuality before the book. A lot of people think of McCree as bi, and that headcanon wasn't killed somehow by the contents of this book, was it? Heck, I'm even thinking of games like Dragon Age, where straight characters have deliberately been written to reject advances from any same-sex MCs, and players have made mods to romance them with same-sex MCs anyway because they don't give a flying fuck about canon sexuality if it's straight. In my experience? That's how fandom always works. Typically, it's when characters are confirmed gay that anyone who shipped them in straight relationships have to back off, since it's highly frowned upon to alter the sexuality of any gay characters. But even if a character has nothing but opposite-sex love interests in canon, the fandom always does whatever it wants. Why the heck is it different here, to the point of spewing that much vitriol at Ashe just because she exists and McCree is/was into her?

Oof, I just say live and let die, man. Frankly, I am living the dream with this book, I've loved every new tidbit of lore it offered, especially those recontextualized hints of Reunion content (hell, even the "plothole" with the Est. 1976 in the Deadlock logo was addressed, it's amazing xD). Apparently, McAshe shippers aren't entitled to "canon status" thanks to the cinematic, or through all the history these two characters share, history that's been expanded through this book... I find that fair and valid, but just so, no other ship is entitled to demand for canon status, not in this franchise, not in anything else, as far as I'm concerned. Blizzard has made a bunch of bad choices in the last years, there's no denying that, but as far as I can tell, caving in to what a certain cluster of fans demand just because their ship is "popular" has NEVER resulted in anything good. If anything, every time I've seen big media give in to whatever their loudest fans want, the quality of their content tends to spiral downwards at ridiculously rapid speed, because that isn't what their creative vision used to be, and it's not an organic choice but a forced one, done just to sell more (and typically, they don't achieve that goal at all). Could list a few examples of that, but I'd be here all day, I suspect x'D

At any rate, thank you for being such a good sport, McGenji Anon :D shippers who respect other ships are the absolute best and I'm really happy to know there's people like you out there in the OW fandom. I'm not crazy active in the OW fandom myself, partly because I can't even play the game, only watch friends play it, and because I have signed my life off to Sokkla, as everyone knows... but I gotta say, the ideas, the THOUGHTS that have come to mind over this unbelievable book... I've already doodled a couple of them and if I had enough time to go all out, I absolutely would xD Now, I just need to see how to buy myself an Ashe keychain and then I'll be set to cry about these two for life. I've been doing plenty of progress on that front as it is... X'D

[being-worthy]

The Last of Us Part II – Adding my two cents to the game

Just so we’re clear, let’s establish a few things first:

MAJOR TLOU II SPOILERS AHEAD!!

I also spoiled myself ahead because I needed to know what would happen to Joel and Ellie… and the ending as well.

I’ve played the first one. I liked how it ended and totally support the ending!

I haven’t played the 2nd part but I’m watching the playthrough on YouTube in small doses. My heart can’t take much of it at once lol (and being poor and paying of debt for a loved one is no fun because I don’t have much money to spend on myself).

Right now, I’m at the part where Joel goes with Ellie to the museum for her birthday – it’s so cute and fatherly and my heart can’t take how bittersweet this is …

The 2nd part was rushed and has some bugs that could’ve been avoided, whether you like it or not. That’s a fact and we’re here for the facts not the truth (if you want the truth join a philosophy course).

The parts with Abby are too long, more than what they should’ve been and her vengeance is 💩.

English is not being my first language but I do my best (that’s all I can do).

I’m listening to Bryan Adams and Richard Max while writing this because I’m still not over Joel…

You may voice your opinion but remember this is my space! Be respectful at all times and absolute no hate here!

The first part ended with Joel bringing an unconscious Ellie to the hospital where the last Fireflies are, she almost drowned and he had to perform CPR on her. He’s rendered unconscious too and wakes up on a hospital bed with Marlene and Ethan (the guy who hit Joel in the head with the butt of his rifle) in the room.

That’s when he starts asking where Ellie is and Marlene informs him that she’s not his problem anymore and being prepped for surgery. Here, we need to note the following things: Marlene had sworn to Ellie’s mother to protect and to keep her from harm’s way but TAKES the decision to practically sentence her to death and yeah, she gives a speech that it’s not easy for her either yada yada yada but it’s all bs. The reason why is because:

a)     making a decision refers more to the process and is something that takes time, while taking a decision is the act of deciding something that happens in an instant. Ultimately, Marlene decides for HER!! What about ‘my body, my decision’? Or in this case ‘her body, her decision’? It doesn’t matter if it’s related to an abortion or having your skull opened, the same principle should be applied!

She even says to Joel ‘because this isn’t about me. Or even her. There is no other choice here’. – Firstly, there’s always another choice! Secondly, Joel replies to her saying ‘yeah, you keep telling yourself that bullshit’ and he’s right, it’s total and utter bullshit. Even later on, when he’s carrying Ellie into the parking lot (I believe it was a parking lot), he tells her ‘that ain’t for you to decide’. Again, he’s right. It isn’t Marlene’s decision nor his but Ellie is still unconscious, so what do you want to do? Let them butcher her open? He crossed with her through half the country and ended up caring profoundly for her – she became like a daughter to him. He doesn’t have an on and off switch to turn off his feelings towards Ellie. Moreover, do tell me, if you’d like a doctor or someone else TAKE such a decision for you, instead of waiting for you to wake up and then tell you about the procedure and what this will entail. I get freaking furious whenever someone takes a decision for me or without asking me first.

b)     Neither she nor the doctor wait for Ellie to regain consciousness and since she’s unconscious, they see it as the perfect importunity to just go ahead and rummage in her brain to see if there’s something that could help them developing a vaccine or a cure.

c)     That’s another thing. They had zero guarantees, not even a 0.1 percentage of probability that they’d find something – nothing, nada, zilch. Just a hunch and maybe in an apocalyptic world for some people this might be enough but then why not wait until she wakes up and tell her ‘we don’t know for sure if your immunity will help us finding a cure or a vaccine. So that’s why we need to open your skull and see what makes you immune which ultimately, will kill you’ (in some nicer words though lol). Because they know she might not fully agree with it and they give a sh*t about what she thinks/wants and have that narrow military/cult mindset of ‘a sacrifice for the greater good’ and/or wouldn’t care either way because she’s a kid. I’m no fan of sacrificing one or a dozen people to save billions. If we can’t save them all or at least try our damn hardest, then we’re doing something terribly wrong! Also, she’s a freaking kid!! She hasn’t seen much and has her whole life ahead, doesn’t matter if it’s in the apocalypse. The thought that they’re willing to sacrifice her, a kid, without batting an eye shows me that all Fireflies are terrorists.

d)     Now to the doctor (the one with the scalpel) – according to the internet this guy was Abby’s father and his murder was why she tortured and slaughtered Joel. First things first, every doctor has to take on a Hippocratic oath. There are many different variations but they all come from an old one that states the following:

… I will apply dietetic measures for the benefit of the sick according to my ability and judgment; I will keep them from harm and injustice.

I will neither give a deadly drug to anybody if asked for it, nor will I make a suggestion to this effect. Similarly, I will not give to a woman an abortive remedy. In purity and holiness, I will guard my life and my art.

I will not use the knife, not even on sufferers from stone, but will withdraw in favour of such men as are engaged in this work.

Whatever houses I may visit, I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons, be they free or slaves.

… If I fulfil this oath and do not violate it, may it be granted to me to enjoy life and art, being honoured with fame among all men for all time to come; if I transgress it and swear falsely, may the opposite of all this be my lot.

The doctor doesn’t keep her from harm or injustice, he isn’t even there for her well-being, only to see how her brain ticks. So, that immense violation of his oath doesn’t make him a doctor anymore but a BUTCHER and don’t come to me with ‘but it’s the apocalypse or it’s for the greater good blah blah blah’, then how better are we compared to rapists and people who murder out of fun? If we throw our principles out of the window just because it’s the apocalypse and/or it’s for the greater good, then with all due respect we all should just go ahead and jump from a building and burn in hell.

e)     I got to the part where Joel and Ellie went to the museum for her birthday and at the end there’s a graffiti that says ‘liars’ with the fireflies’ symbol above. Even at the end, their own members saw that they Fireflies were only a bunch full of hot air and nothing else. They ended up being terrorists and forgot what they once stood and fought for.

So, taking all this into consideration - who wouldn’t have saved her? And yes, Joel saves her out of selfishness, so what? True, that he didn’t tell her the truth either, but can you resent him for this? He’d have to tell her that Marlene betrayed her, betrayed her trust and her mother’s trust in her and was willing to let her die and let her body being violated (rape is not the only way to violate someone’s body – FYI). This would have impacted Ellie’s state of mind too. She’d have ended up resenting Marlene and the Fireflies or worse. She had gone through so much already and didn’t need more on her plate. So, he spared her that betrayal and resentment.

Now let’s talk a bit more about Joel. Joel is no saint or hero but no villain either. He’s just a man who was willing to doom the whole already-damned world to protect the girl he adopted. He does what he needs in order to survive but within some reason and hasn’t lost his humanity (it’s just deeply hidden in him), he’s a person trying to survive. He tortures people - yes, but only to get information and makes sure to end them quickly afterwards. I agree that one of the main things you’ve to do during such times, is to adapt or you’ll die or worse. In the 1st part he’s rough, tough, strong, stubborn, resilient, experienced in the world he lives in and wary of strangers (just remember that scene on the highway with the stranger pretending to be hurt and Joel knew from the moment he saw him that it was a trap), someone you don’t want to mess with, etc. On the other hand, there’s this other side of him where he teaches Ellie to swim, tries to joke with her, to play the guitar, takes her to beautiful places, he takes her to a museum with dinosaurs and stuff from space, that proves he’s capable for carrying deeply for someone, in this case Ellie, and don’t get me started on the gift he gives her when they’re in the space capsule (!!), and so on. Ellie and Joel have this great dynamic. Then in the 2nd part, they made him to be so trustworthy toward a young unknown girl, tells her even their REAL names, like he literally says ‘my name’s Joel and that’s my brother Tommy. We live further down’. Dude, why don’t you just go walking around with a banner around your neck stating who you are to the whole freaking world. At some point he even said the name of their home (Jackson)!’ - WHAT THE HOLY F*CK?! He even offered her to go with them and take her to their home and give her supplies. Then, even BLINDLY and WITHOUT ANY WARINESS follows her to a place with an unknown sized group, where he and Tommy don’t know anyone - HOLY FREAKING HELL?! It’s not like it could be a trap, I mean it’s completely normal that there are many survivors camping up in the mountains in the middle of a snow blizzard, it’s the perfect season for doing that ¬¬. We’re living in times were everyone is kind to each other… I just don’t get it. This behaviour change is too radical and old habits die hard, especially ones acquired and used for decades!! That’s a big flaw from Naughty Dog regarding Joel. They portrayed him as someone stupid (sorry Joel but it’s true), sloppy, too soft, etc. He’s older and fatherlier with Ellie all fine and good, but he’d still be very cautious toward outsiders, particularly when they outnumber him!! It’s true that at some point we’ll have to be more trustworthy toward others in order to try and reestablish society or something close to it but you’d still be wary and wouldn’t take them right to your home first thing!! I had also into consideration that they were being chased by a horde of runners and clickers and their options where limited but still!

In some games the death of an important and primary character is sometimes essential. TLOU II is one of them because this was necessary for Ellie to grown and learn more about herself, the world she lives in, among others but Joel deserved way better than what he got! I feel for Tommy too, he didn’t deserve to split up with Maria or lose an eye but I believe the reason as to why he became obsessed with avenging Joel was because he already thinks he failed him in the past already, either when Sarah died, or when he joined the Fireflies and Joel wasn’t happy about it, or when they blindly trusted Abby and her friends.

Before I start with Abby, we need to establish something else first: revenge is about retaliation; justice is about restoring balance. The motive of revenge has mostly to do with expressing rage, hatred, or spite. It’s a protest or payback, and its foremost intent is to harm. And because it’s so impassioned, it’s typically disproportionate to the original injury—meaning that it usually can’t be viewed as just. The punishment may fit the crime, but it’s often an exaggerated response to another’s perceived offense. Nevertheless, I do believe that justice comes from vengeance but that type of justice only breeds more vengeance, and this is what Abby essentially does, avenge her father (even though I believe he lost his way and became unscrupulous) and ends up being capable to live with herself with little to no trouble after what she did to Joel, after repeatedly hitting him over and over and over again with a golf club, and forcing Ellie to watch the last bit. Abby and a bunch of others, who were also aware of her secretive plans, travel thousands of miles just to find Joel and brutalise him and massacre him. That scene was really brutal. But at some point both Abby and Ellie have to realise that vengeance is not the answer and if everyone keeps coming back seeking vengeance, then they’ll move around in a vicious circle until someone decides to forgive because killing like this not only hurts themselves, but also those they love and love them.

I don’t see the WLF as a whole as someone who deserves sympathy. They’re quite similar to the Fireflies who maybe at some point had noble goals (or almost) but ended up strayed from their path. They loot and kill everyone they see, no questions asked (much like the police these days in our world), even if they’re just passing by and aren’t affiliated to any group and just want to survive.

The ending of TLOU II couldn’t have been better. Ellie was happy with Dina and the baby but deep down she knew she didn’t close the chapter with Joel’s murder. Abby, and knew that at some point, she’d have to revisit that part to close it entirely. Her leaving with Tommy was the right decision, even if Dina wouldn’t/couldn’t fully understand why and I feel sad for Maria too but I strongly believe that she’ll return - whether or not Dina will wait for her is another story.

This is all I’ve to add. I’ve been sitting her for about 5+ hours writing this because I wanted to put my perspective of this masterpiece out there and show people that the game is still great.

Let me know your thoughts!!

[thevoilinauttheory]

Never-Ending Survey | Maximiloix

Tagged by @elegie-de-sang! Thank you so much, and thank you for your patience! It’s been a while since I got this orz

Tagging: uhh... anyone who has wanted to do this and hasn’t! Please! Do! It! And tag me! I want to see all of your lovely characters!

BASICS.

FULL NAME: Maximiloix Soleil Voilinaut

NICKNAME: (Hates all of his nicknames) Max [by most], Maxie [by Caromont].

AGE:  109

BIRTHDAY: 28th Sun of the 1st Astral Moon

ETHNIC GROUP: Elezen

NATIONALITY: Ishgardian

LANGUAGE/S: Common, Old Ishgardian, Old Sharlayan, Dragonspeak (to a degree, his pronunciation is horrible), Sign Language; in the process of teaching himself Far Eastern languages and dialects; is familiar with Ilsabardian words and terms, unable to speak the language fluently.

SEXUAL ORIENTATION : Pansexual

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION : Panromantic

RELATIONSHIP STATUS:  It’s complicated. Legally, he’s single.

HOME TOWN / AREA:  Ishgard, Coerthas

CURRENT HOME:  Mist, Limsa Lominsa

PROFESSION: Teacher, Aetherologist, Historian

PHYSICAL.

HAIR: Unnaturally white with hints of brown. Base of neck length, kind of wavy. Very well groomed and taken care of.

EYES: One is a whitish-silver, the other is a light teal. Almond shaped, with constant bags under them.

FACE: Squared, angular jaw. High cheekbones. 

LIPS: Kinda average for his face shape and size, always wears lipstick.

COMPLEXION: Tanned from outdoor work, usually on the paler side.

BLEMISHES: Aside from the bags under his eyes, he has very few visible blemishes.

SCARS: A lot. Mostly covering his chest and back. The most noticeable ones are the thin scar along his cheek, and a nasty deformation on his right arm.

TATTOOS: Geometrical patterns are tattooed around his entire body, everywhere except his face, to help him cast magic easier and more efficiently.

HEIGHT:  7′4′‘

WEIGHT: ~200lbs. 

BUILD: Lanky and frail looking. He has muscle due to his time as a logger and Templar, but he is lacking in physical strength with his old age.

FEATURES: Long and well kept fingernails, well-groomed. All other prominent features have already been stated.

ALLERGIES: Deathly allergic to mushrooms.

USUAL HAIR STYLE:  Well washed and maintained, looks very soft. It is usually kept loose. On rare occasions, it will be tied back to keep it from getting in his face while he works.

USUAL FACE LOOK :  Annoyed, irritated, and angry.

USUAL CLOTHING:  Does not have much of a closet - or he does, and he prefers to wear the same thing everyday. Garishly long white robes, tight black pants, black high-heeled boots, and a black eyepatch.

PSYCHOLOGY.

FEAR/S: Drowning, being buried alive, being alone, being forgotten, losing his friends and family, powerlessness.

ASPIRATION/S:  To correct his many mistakes, and hopefully become on good terms with his family. Or at least speaking terms.

POSITIVE TRAITS: Protective, inquisitive, friend to the poor man. He *does* know how to have fun, I swear.

NEGATIVE TRAITS:  Almost constantly annoyed or irritated at something; power-hungry; selfish; will not hesitate to throw anyone under him when it comes to gaining new power and knowledge.

TEMPERAMENT:  Choleric / Melancholic

SOUL TYPE/S:  16% Educator / 15% Thinker / 12% Leader

ANIMAL/S: Falcon.

VICE HABIT/S: Alcoholism, Self-Martyrdom

FAITH: Halone, apparently. 

GHOSTS?: Believes in them to a degree.

AFTERLIFE?: Kind of?

REINCARNATION?: A more plausible and sensible option after death.

POLITICAL ALIGNMENT: Absolutely loathes people of noble birth, unless proven themselves to *not* be assholes. Stays on the side of the poor man, and will fight for their rights.

EDUCATION LEVEL:  While he doesn’t know everything, he does know a lot for someone who’s education level is “I learned how to read”. There were no schools for him to attend as a child, so he learned through experience, traveling, and reading.

FAMILY.

FATHER :  Adelnard Voilinaut

MOTHER :  Genevieve Voilinaut

SIBLINGS :  He is the eldest of 9 - here’s a list.

EXTENDED FAMILY: He has a lot of children and extended family members, and here’s a list as well!

NAME MEANING/S: Based off the Common, Eorzean, name, Maximillion - which means “Greatest Rival”. (Also I just used the random name generator and went “what a cool ass name” until I learned how to pronounce it.)

HISTORICAL CONNECTION?: None, in-game.

FAVORITES.

BOOK:  Will never admit it, but thoroughly enjoys raunchy romance novels. Good luck finding his collection.

DEITY: Halone.

HOLIDAY:  The Starlight Celebration. It gives him a reason to (begrudgingly - to keep up appearances) give gifts to people.

MONTH: Likely the 6th Umbral Moon (December)- not only the month of his favorite holiday and season; but it was the month he met Caromont as well.

SEASON:  Winter.

PLACE: Says Ishgard, but really wherever his family and friends are.

WEATHER: Loves snow, maybe not blizzards, but definitely show showers.

SOUND / S: Silence, tea kettle boiling, pages of books flipping.

SCENT / S:  Coerthan cedar; Dravanian Lilies; Furymint.

TASTE / S:  Furymint, black tea - lots of salt.

FEEL / S:  Wool and mink. Sanded down and polished wood; cold stone.

ANIMAL / S:  Likes animals, will not own any. Falcons are his favorite.

NUMBER: 3,582. Specific, but there’s a reason behind it.

COLORS: White, blue, gold.

EXTRA.

TALENTS: Magic and all things magical in nature; the ability to learn new things quickly. 

BAD AT: Focusing on anything that is not studying or interesting to him; cooking; can’t swim; bad at dealing with people - even worse if the person is upset. 

TURN ONS: Major turn ons include having his hair pulled on, and being embarrassed in public or in front of others. He is attracted to intelligence and someone he can lean on; being attractive is a plus.

TURN OFFS: Needy, or greedy for his attention. Displays low intelligence in situations that do not call for it. Sexually, does not like preforming oral - does not like mouth stuff, whatsoever.

HOBBIES: Reading, teaching, studying new things, traveling/adventuring.

TROPES: Jerk with a Heart of Gold; Big Ego, Hidden Depths; Villain with Good Publicity

QUOTES:

“He is not yours to burn - get out, GET OUT!”

“I have not felt such exhilaration in years…”

“I am not stupid, I am mad. You were a fool to trust me in the first place.”

MUN QUESTIONS.

Q1 : If you could write your character your way in their own movie,  what would it be called, what style would it be filmed in, and what would it be about?          

A1 :  It would probably be one of those villain origin stories, either of his life growing up; or it would be him slowly going mad - like my Memories!AU. It would be very dark, definitely an R movie, maybe even something horror-esque. As for titles? /shrug I’m no good with those.

Q2 :  What would their soundtrack/score sound like?          

A2 : Definitely piano, organ, and harpsichord based. Maybe a little violin and cello. Something soft and somewhat haunting.

Q3 :  Why did you start writing this character?          

A3 : Ha... ha... I don’t want to admit that it gave me a reason to be mean to people lmao. I’m generally a super nice person, a people pleaser, and a rug that everyone walks over. Max’s character was supposed to reflect a couple of things - if I handled my guilt worse than I have irl, and if he were the sarcastic, rude, bastard I have no heart to be.

Q4 :   What first attracted you to this character?          

A4 :  ^^ The above. Max was originally supposed to be young, naive, clumsy, and an anxiety ridden mess; and for the love of god, do not get me started on his original design. He became the opposite of those things, and Lothaire took up the mantle of his original personality.

Q5 :  Describe the biggest thing you dislike about your muse.

A5 :  Max is an absolute fucking asshat that can’t let things be. Let dead things be dead, kind of thing. Can’t move on. He will definitely step on his friends and family if it meant gaining more power.

Q6 :  What do you have in common with your muse?          

A6 :   The guilt of believing that we are the cause of the death to a loved one. I’m pretty sure I handled it better. We also have a lot of internalized rage.

Q7 :   How does  your muse feel about  you?          

A7 :   lmao, he probably hates me. I *am* the source of all of his angst and anger, tbh. His life has been a mess and it is literally all my fault.

Q8 :  What characters does your muse have interesting interactions with ?        

A8 :   Caromont, Shango, and Amarice - definitely. All three are people who push his ability to be a better person.

Q9 :  What gives you inspiration to write your muse ?        

A9 :  Max is one of those characters that everyday is inspiration for him - it’s just finding the motivation to write. He’s not necessarily my longest running XIV character, but he is certainly one of my favorites to RP. 

Q10 : How long did this take you to complete ?          

A10 : A while - I lost motivation, forgot it was in my drafts, then got it done during my entire shift at work lmao.

A big ol’ shoutout to @shangomango​ and @amarice-sovald​ for their characters and helping shape Max into what he is today.

[wokainight]

NCT: I’ll Study You (Doyoung x Reader)

notes: this is like a blur of me watching sky castle, clowned crown and a few romance in between like lol idk what to make of doyoung’s character but it’s soft of fluffy in between his temper?? so like idk read this with an open mind because my head literally knows no plot when i wrote this lol.

the kim dongyoung you know practically lives in the library.

apart from being the student council vice-president as a second year and a regular for the basketball club, he still has time to do part-time work and practically buries himself in books in his spare time.

you don’t particularly know if he sleeps or if he’s ever done anything outside of his school curriculum. 

he works at a cafe in the weekends and takes night shifts at the convenience store at night.

it’s not as if you’ve tried following before or anything-- 

nor do you like him or anything--

“yah (l/n) (y/n), are you stalking me again?” doyoung calls from his usual seat, a fourth year text book open before him. he rolls his eyes at you playfully but drags the seat next to him open anyways. 

you sort of lower your head, covered it with a hand and walked straight there. 

“you didn’t have to shout!” you hissed, elbowing him in the rib.

to this, doyoung sighs. “my dearest stalker wants my attention but not too much attention? you’re really asking for a lot.”

you huff at him but opened your bag and grabbed all your materials, staring at it for a good minute.

“looking won’t do you a thing.”

“yeah yeah, i bet you your eyesight is getting worse,” you retorted, referring to the way doyoung was so into his book that he literally forgot to blink since three minutes and fifty-six seconds ago.

he grabs onto your hand suddenly and places it on your pen, motioning you to start studying without even glancing your way even once. he does it so often-- and yet somehow your heart still managed to jump at every one of his moves. 

you sigh and complacently opened your book, propping your head against your right palm. 

“it’s not as if i’ll remember anything,” you mumble, eyes lazily scanning over the semester’s worth of content. 

“you're not even reading it properly.” came his snappy comments. “despite how you carry yourself, i have faith in your intelligence.”

if it were any other person, you would proceed to snort at them before pulling out your failed papers from the corner of your bag. but doyoung doesn’t need to know and nor do you need to water away the last of his trust on you.

“so how were your papers?” 

startled, a cat bit your tongue. 

(you’re the cat. 

you bit your own tongue.)

“t-they’re okay,” you mumbled, finally looking at your materials.

while the distress signals flare inside your mind, the corners of doyoung’s lips threaten to rise as he reads the sentence he’s been on since he noticed you for the hundredth time.

---

“dude are you sure you’re okay?” 

doyoung’s brows furrow at the question, turning around to face a suspiciously gloomy johnny and jaehyun shooting him apologetic glances. 

“why wouldn’t i be?”

“well,” johnny starts, spinning a ball on top of his fingers casually, not minding the heat it radiated. “for starters, the last time i saw you sleep was back in high school, after you pulled a week’s worth of all nighters for the final exams and ended up in the hospital. secondly, a little birdie told me you’re squeezing in time for romance-- what if your dad--”

there’s a fast ball that johnny barely avoids in the hind of time. 

“guys, don’t fight.” jaehyun manages from the sidelines, eyes flickering over his team mates.

“don’t mention him,” doyoung says through his gritted teeth, eyes furious.

johnny’s two arms up should have been enough, but the tall dude had to add in the final throw.

“thirdly, your taste is so bad. why would you like the weirdo who stalks--”

this time, it was johnny who ended up in hospital. well, not really the hospital-- it was just the infirmary. doyoung ended up with cleaning duties for the next month.

least to say, he wasn’t regretful for throwing a real sturdy fast ball at his good ol’ bestie. 

---

the next time you do see doyoung instead of his curt greetings when you pass by is back at the library. his state looks worse than before, the tired bags more evident than ever and there’s beads of sweat running down his face despite the building being air conditioned. you literally ran for your life to the neat to him, effectively surprising the poor boy when you threw your belongings onto the tabletops and pressed a palm on his forehead.

“doyoung you’re burning up!” you gasp, retracting your hand at the amount of heat that has accumulated on his skin. 

doyoung hums at you, eyes hazy. 

“i’m fine,” he mutters, turning to the next page. 

you glance between him and his book, before biting down on your bottom lip at the thought of breaking the promise you made him when he allowed you to take the seat next to him for the very first time.

‘talk all you want, but don’t touch my stuff.’

“you’re going to rest,” your fingers tremble as you slid the book away from his grasp, almost in slow motion.

doyoung doesn’t react for a second.

there’s a brief pause as you held your breath.

“what are you doing?” the male finally turns to you, eyes piercing. “let go.”

“doyoung y-you’re sick and i know i promise to not touch your stuff but you--”

he’s all up in your face and throwing away any idea of personal space in a split second, cheeks red with delirious heat. 

“and you broke it,” he hissed, but the feeling of his breath on your skin deviates your attention elsewhere. 

for goodness sake, doyoung could be swearing at you right now and you’d still thank him for living.

your shaky hands retract itself from the book and latched onto doyoung’s hand. “i did,” you gulp down the fear of the following consequence. “but there’s something else more important than that.” with that, you pull him up and ran towards the infirmary with doyoung in tow, ignoring his groans and threats that pass by one ear to the other.

doyoung’s still spewing complaints when you settle him on top of the infirmary beds, glancing around nervously for the nurse to come back.

“do you know what you just done? you wasted almost fifteen minutes of my time when i could have finished two chapters.”

“i-i know, i’m sorry--”

“sorry?” doyoung laughs, throwing his hands up. “if sorry would cut it, then wouldn’t it be a wonderful world that we live in? tell me (y/n), you know this better than anyone.” he grabs onto your shoulder and pulls you in close to his seated form, on top of the bed. “do you think my father would forgive me if i begged him for forgiveness?”

as if a blizzard was present in the room, you feel goosebumps on your skin and your eyes lose focus at the memory.

there was probably another reason that doyoung kept you around. aside from johnny and jaehyun who were his long time friends since middle school, no one else knew the dynamics of doyoung’s family. 

you happened to be slightly more invested in his matters and came across doyoung’s father coming in for one of doyoung’s most important game. unfortunately, it didn’t end up with the suited man sitting crossed legged with his eyes mostly focused on the work on his lap. 

as soon as the game finished, doyoung had bolted in a flash, running out the back door. curious, you followed him.

you shouldn’t have though.

because the image of doyoung’s remorseful face as a hand lands on his cheeks was a scar in your memory.

you shake your head, tears welling up. doyoung’s gritted teeth unclench themselves at the sight, watching as you try to hold in the water works. you know doyoung hated it when you cried. so you try your best no to in his presence.

he doesn’t say anything as he pulls you into his arms and leans back simultaneously into the comfort of the white cased pillows. 

there’s a gentle hand that rubs circles on your back and you hear the scale of doyoung’s anxious heartbeat.

“i know i’m sick,” doyoung says after a few moments of silence. “but i also know that midterms are coming.”

what he doesn’t say is that it would probably be his last chance to prove to everyone and himself that a little love in his life won’t hurt his standings. he was determined to get a better mark than before.

but this time, it wasn’t just for him.

it was for you. 

---

after that, you don’t see doyoung as much aside from the times you’d watch him from the sidelines as he attends his regular practice times. more times than not, doyoung wouldn’t say a single word to you, letting the coldness of his gaze penetrate your view.

his eyes would follow you sometimes, and you couldn’t help but look away.

you don’t quite know if he’s angry about you breaking your promise or having him bring up the topic of his father. you know he hated that too.

you don’t know where to stand in doyoung’s life anymore because it was all a mess from the beginning and your relationship’s much more complicated than a simple knot. 

it was more like a tangled earphone experience and you grimace at the analogy as you stood up from the seats and gathered up your bag. 

doyoung was resting up after the intense practice at the side benches, talking to another teammate about something.

“hey,” a voice greets from beside you, and you jump at the sudden small talk. 

thankfully, it turned out to be a familiar face as jung jaehyun, the heartthrob of the basketball team showcased his dimple smile and sits you down. 

“are you two okay?” he got straight into the point, patting the sweat running down his face with a fresh towel. “doyoung’s temper isn’t exactly the most patient, but these days he’s like a ticking time bomb and just to let you know, johnny’s been burnt more than once.”

you send him a small smile, as sincere as you can at his attempt to uplift the mood. 

“i don’t know,” you honestly replied. “we’re not quite in talking terms yet so i don’t think we’re okay.”

jaehyun sighs at this. “what is he upset about this time? you not showing up to study with him on time? forgetting that he doesn’t work a certain shift anymore? god don’t tell me he’s angry again about you insisting him to not take you home because your house in literally the other way?”

you wish it were any of the petty reasons listed. “i think it’s more serious this time,” you frown, playing with your fingers. “by the way, is he taking the supplements i passed you?” you turn towards him with anticipation. 

to this, jaehyun replies with just as much vigour. “yeah! i don’t think he’s sick anymore and his appetite is back to normal now--”

as you and jaehyun talk animatedly about doyoung’s return to health, you don’t quite see the scowl that decorates a certain male’s features from across the room.

---

okay, it was getting ridiculous.

it was a week after the midterms and you hoped that doyoung’s anger would have been quenched by this point as there was less reasons for him to be stressing. 

you gave him a week of ‘recovery’ before giving up to the ill feelings of wanting to interact with him once again.

sure you were in the wrong to disturb him from his studies-- but he was burning up and very sick that day and you didn’t quite want him dying just yet. 

you don’t quite remember that last time the two of you had a proper conversation and it saddens you further when you realised there was no proper reason for doyoung to see your everyday. it’s not like the two of you were dating or anything-- nor has both side hinted aside from the constant love hearts in your eyes when you gaze at him. 

you were walking past the student council room when the door opens and a face you’ve been longing to stare at for more than a split second appears.

doyoung doesn’t quite react as much as you (as you dropped your papers everywhere), but closes the door behind him and bends down to collect your belongings with you.

“are you stalking me?” 

“what-- no--” when you look up at him to confirm the fact that it was indeed all up to fate this time without your nosy interference, you watched doyoung’s tired eyes matching yours. 

he wasn’t smiling, but somehow, deep down, you knew he was elated to meet you. 

it’s been over a month since you last talked to him and you can’t help but try to suppress the loudness of your heartbeat against your ears and the redness that threatens to appear on your cheeks.

“or have you moved on?” doyoung continues as he stoically passes you your papers. 

your brows knit together at this because if there was one thing you literally cannot let go at this moment in time, it would be your feelings for doyoung himself. 

“moved on? doyoung i was just giving you spa--”

“did you just realise that jaehyun’s a much handsomer and nicer person than i am?” he sneers bitterly. 

your first instincts were to react to his negatively, wondering why he would ever assume that you liked jaehyun more than him at this point-- but then you notice the difference in his talking pattern.

is he... jealous?

“i talked to him twice during the period of us not quite reaching talking terms,” you try and stay stoic, to match doyoung’s inwardly depressed state. “of course  i’d open my eyes by then.”

“how loyal,” doyoung snaps back, standing up as he watched you stuff the papers into your bag and rolls his eyes when you can’t quite squish it all inside. “fold it.” he takes the bunch out of your hand and halved their size in a heartbeat. 

“thanks,” you say, sliding them easily into a free space in your bag. 

“well i guess this is one thing off my back,” doyoung stares you down, eyes almost dark and condescending. “i’m glad.” 

“of course you are,” you bounce yourself on your heels, smiling. if he was jealous, you shouldn’t back down this time. as much as you like kim dongyoung, sometimes he needs to know that you do require a certain degree of respect no matter how much you make it out to like him. 

“get going then, jaehyun’s hanging out in the cafe down the street with johnny.”

he brushes past you intently as he walked the other way, glowering as soon as you couldn’t see his expression anymore. 

---

the day after the conversation, you purposefully visited doyoung at the convenience store to grab your favourite drink. he was serving someone when you came in, but noticed you right off the bat when you pass the cashier space and into the refrigerated drinks aisle. 

when it was time to pay, you handed him the drink and he attends to you professionally, without much strings attached to his speech. 

“you shouldn’t have this too often,” doyoung says as he passes you your purchase. “it has a lot of sugar.”

“i need it,” you sigh dramatically, “i’m just not sweet enough.”

doyoung froze at your sudden playful behaviour. and as you grab your drink and make a mad dash for the exit, you couldn’t hide the smile threatening to appear in front of him. 

you couldn’t decide if you were going to appear hot or cold or to push or pull. so you did everything in between and hoped for the best.

---

the weekend came in a flash and it was time to close this game of chase and to just come clean with doyoung. you were sick of not seeing him and having this weird game of stare with him whenever the two of you would make eye contact. 

you wanted to look a bit more dressed up than usual, so you wore the newest addition to your closet and touched up your face a little bit. 

wearing a pair of shoes you don’t do so often, you hop outside the comfort of your apartment and headed straight to doyoung’s cafe workplace.

there’s a large queue as it was a gleeful saturday, with doyoung serving at the cashiers as per your calculations. he’s quick with his hands and count money in the speed of light so of course they would make him take the task. 

he’s polite with his words despite not quite smiling and you frown slightly when a few girls attempt to flirt with him ahead of your queue. 

when it hits your turn, doyoung raises a stern brow. “welcome to cafe 127, how can i help you,” he says with a flat tone. 

you pretend to look around the menu for a bit, biting down the smile that threatens to appear on your lips because doyoung’s eyes are evidently on you and it was a little funny how he’s being so obvious about staring. 

“do you recommend the tiramisu latte or the strawberry shake?” you turn back to him, watching as he sighs and rolls his eyes.

“both are just as commendable.”

“what would you choose?”

doyoung’s antsy fingers stop tapping against the order screen and he straightens up at the question. “if i wanted both, i would order both of them.”

“well, what if you have to choose?”

“i don’t have to choose.” he gives you a pointed look. “i can have both of them just fine.”

“i’ll have the tiramisu latte then,” you cut off the flow of the conversation, wondering what doyoung was referring to because he seemed to worked up fort it to be about your choice of drinks. 

“anything else with your order,” he returned to his reserved composure.

“no thanks,” you paid and grabbed the order number from doyoung, relishing the way his fingers glide against yours. 

it takes doyoung a few seconds to switch back on, eyes watching as you leave. he can feel the anxiety building and he knows it’s a race against time if he wants you to wait until his break starts. 

“taeyong?” he says without a glance, still taking orders from the customer currently standing in front of him. 

taeyong hums as a reply, busy making a few different lattes and varying coffee orders. 

“skip the tiramisu latte until it’s half past ten.”

“was that your acquaintance?” taeyong takes a wild guess as he hands over the orders to yuta to serve onto the tables. 

“you have a friend?!” yuta, the exchange student from japan cackles as he takes the two drinks, before being shooed away by taeyong. 

“maybe,” doyoung mumbles as he passes taeyong the next drink order.

---

twenty minutes have passed since your order and no matter how crazy it is in the store, it doesn’t really justify why the couple who stood three people behind you is sipping on their drinks while you’re left with an empty table. 

is doyoung that mad that he trashed your order or something?

it’s almost ten thirty and you’re wondering if you should just leave if that was the case.

when you look back into the queue and onto the cashier bench, doyoung was nowhere to seen, replaced with the chinese part timer named winwin who you saw on various occasion.

you’re about to reach for your bag and search for him outside when someone leans over from your back and places a tiramisu latte and a strawberry tart in front of you. 

“leaving so soon?” doyoung mutters into your ear, before taking a seat next to you.

“you’re still here?” you question, wondering why he’s sitting with you.

“i’m on break,” doyoung clarifies as he dips his fork into the tart and scoops it into his mouth. 

you shrug and take small sips of your latte, relishing the sweetness and the way it was properly balanced with the light bodied coffee.

you could tell doyoung was observing your outfit and your overall look for today, almost calculating your next destination.

“are you going on a date?” he asks rather casually, though his hands put a little more pressure on forking the strawberries than needed.

you shrug once more, leaving it up to doyoung’s head-venly fantasies. 

“i think you are,” he continues, toying with the piece of fruit. “coincidentally, i’m going on one too.”

“oh really?” 

“yeah,” he exhales, “although my date’s been playing mind games with me for a while so i’m not quite sure what to do with them today.”

why did it seem that doyoung’s caught on? if you could break it down, it would have been that he approached jaehyun and cornered him. poor boy was weakhearted and probably told him that the two of you were just friends and there was nothing going on between the two of you.

he probably also spilled that you’ve been passing jaehyun supplements to give to doyoung. 

well, since he probably knows, it was probably time to stop the act. 

“well, your date probably wants you to stop glaring and explain if you’re mad or not.” you took another sip. suddenly, you felt so thirsty. “and also,” you inhaled deeply. “they probably want you to make it clear if you like them or not too.”

doyoung leans back in his seat, a smirk decorating his pretty lips. “oh, do you speak for my date now?”

“yeah, well” you look at him. “i think i know them better than you do.”

doyoung doesn’t speak for a while, pursing his lips in contemplation. “should we stop talking in third person? it’s getting tiring.”

you nod in confirmation and fold your arms against the table. “sure thing.”

“i do like you,” doyoung starts, getting your whole attention in a heartbeat. 

was he really going to start like that? 

really? 

like that????

“it’s been a while really,” he chuckles a little sad, glancing down before looking at you briefly. “but you know if we did date and my family finds out it’s not going to be pretty right?” 

you nod at that.

“well,” he clicked his tongue, “i thought if i did better than before, better than my brother,” wait. kim dongyoung has a brother? you never knew that. “i could perhaps bring it up to my... parents attention without making too much of a mess.”

“you know how hard i’ve been studying right (y/n)?” his hands places themselves on top of yours, lacing them together so naturally. you nod again, somewhat feeling apologetic. 

“now that i know you and jaehyun aren’t getting together in the midst of all my hard work for you,” he says through gritted teeth, but it seems more playful than real. “and that my family seems pretty satisfied with my results, i thought i can let you know.”

you stare right into doyoung’s glassy eyes. his eye bags are just as bad as before but there’s a sense of relief in his features. you know he’s been through so much and had so much to stress about. 

you don’t quite reply when doyoung starts talking about his great older brother and his achievements. 

about how he rebelled against his father when he was only sixteen and ran away from home since. about how he felt so lost for the longest him and had to support himself with barely any help from home.

about how he hated and loved his older brother at the same time. about how he appreciated his sibling for his support when he had no one else to lean on. about how his elder brother passed away last year due to an accident and how his father had turned to him distastefully to run the company after his reign.

he talks about how he didn’t really feel like he was living life until he met you and how he loved every second of the day he spent with you. 

“it’s not going to easy for the both of us. my father’s not a nice man and you know that. i know for sure that i won’t be the best boyfriend or partner in general. i have a temper and it’s quite... bad. i do get jealous,” and you smile at that, “and i wasn’t sure if i had time for love... but for you? 

i’ll make sure i do.”

doyoung’s eyes have always been so passionate that you melted at every eye contact. 

at the same time, there was always anxiety in them that you couldn’t find at this moment.

it’s been a long time since you have studied him and yet, it was the first time you saw such a sincerely honest expression on him. it had always felt as if he was trying so hard to suppress something, to bury something down. 

but at this moment, at this point in time, doyoung felt so innocently unadulterated and vulnerable. 

you nod with tears spilling. 

you know how he hated you crying, but you’re giving it your best guess that tears of joy don’t quite count. 

“so what do you say?” doyoung tucks a loose strand of hair behind your left ear. “can you take me on?”

you nod once again, leaning into doyoung’s arms as he wrapped them around you. 

“i can’t make you much promises,” you feel warm tears which aren’t yours on your cheeks, running down ever so gently. “but i can promise you that i’ll try my best to make this work.”

you look up at his face, as doyoung puts one hand above his expression, not quite wanting you to see him in a weakened state. 

placing his hand aside, you brush his tears away.

“that’s all i need.”

[black-morticia]

          I got inspired by that “China Dad Hires Hitman on Unemployed Son” post because of a mutual said it was the Shimadas and I decided to write a fic about it. I’m going to double post on here and on AO3. I’m not sure if I’ll just make this into a one-shot and that’s it or make it into a series called Shimada Shenanigans and be one-shots about them growing up. Kinda depends on the feedback I get on this fic or if I just wanna write about them since Blizzard isn’t giving us anything. Who knows~ 

AO3: Father Knows Best

Summary: Genji slacking off wasn’t anything new to anyone, especially not to his father. Whether it was his friends, his date for the week, or just plain laziness it was expected out of the young Shimada. So when he starts obessessing over an online game, everyone was ready to just deal with it. But Sojiro realizes he needs a new method to solve an old problem. Unconventional yes but when have parents ever made sense?

          Growing up, Hanzo and Genji would joke that every time they would annoy their father, a single white hair would grow on his head, within that very moment. And now years later in their late teens, their father’s white streak of hair was like a testimony of the stress Sojiro has endured in his 39 years. Right now, wasn’t any different.

“But dad~” Came yet another whine from Genji in the past two minutes of their already half hour long argument.

           A half hour ago, Genji “casually” brought up the fact that a few kids from his school are travelling to New York City for the summer. Hanzo already heard this speech due to Genji using him as practice before asking their father about Genji going. So when Genji waltz into the dining room, giving Sojiro a peck on his temple as he read the news, Hanzo immediately knew what was about to happen.      

“Looking sharp, father. New suit?” Genji asked, actually caring a tad bit because it was in fact a nice suit Sojiro was wearing.

“I have a meeting with the Eto clan. You know how annoying he is…” Sojiro grumbled, already dreading his day but gave no sign he was suspicious of his youngest child.

           Genji just hummed just before he gave Hanzo a wink. “So uh dad… A couple of buddies of mine are going to New York City for vacation this year.” He started out, trying to eat his breakfast as well as check for his father’s reaction.

“Oh? That sounds nice.” Sojiro answered, not taking his eyes off his papers. “Tell them to bring you back something.”

“Well actually dad. I was thinking about going.” Genji said giving his best smile despite his father not looking at him.

“Going where?” Sojiro replied.

“To New York City.”

“With whom?”

“My friends; Kazuki, Toshi, Yasou, and Goro.”

“What about them?”

“They’re going to New York.”

“And?”

“I want to go with them!” Genji yelled the last part out of frustration. Damnit, was it irritating when Sojiro would do that.

“Ohhh, I see.” Sojiro said finally putting his papers down. “No.”

           Genji blinked, while Hanzo attempted to hide his snort behind his cup. Sojiro looked at the both of them, before downing his tea, which may or may not have had a little shot of vodka in it, and standing up to head to his office.

“Give me one good reason why I can’t go!” The teen demanded, following behind their father, breakfast long forgotten.

“I will give you five. Three for the three C’s you got and two for the two F’s you got in school. And I will add a bonus. You have been slacking off during your training.” Sojiro continued walking to his office. “And until you get your grades up and actually show up for training, the furthest place you’ll be going for vacation is the front gate.”

“Oh come on!”

“Do not ‘Oh come on’ me. I am not one of your little friends, Genji.” Sojiro turned back him, to make it clear how serious he was about this. “If only you knew your homework as much as you know those damn video games, we would not be having this discussion. Which is over as of right.”

           Fast forward 30 minutes and Genji is still debating the trip with their father as Hanzo read a book as he sat on the couch. Whether or not this was even considered a debate is a debate within itself. Most debates have equal footing but Genji was nowhere near on his father’s level. But that didn’t stop Genji from continuing to push. Stubbornness was a family trait.

“God you’re being so unfair, you know that!” Genji stomped his foot like a 5 year old and not the 16 year old that he was. That alone earned him yet another sigh of annoyance from their old man. “Like grades matter when I’m going to be working in the clan anyways. I bet half the staff here didn’t even finish school.”

“Here’s the thing I want you to understand, my Sparrow. I don’t give a damn about the staff or anyone else for that matter besides my children. And to my very firm knowledge, none of them are my children. My children are you two.” Sojiro replied, finally looking up from his file that he was reading. “But that does not mean you can use your bloodline as an excuse to slack off.”

          Lord Shimada’s honeyed eyes were tired, as always, but still calm despite how long and repetitive this discussion has gotten. And beyond his previous show of annoyance, Sojiro maintained his cool composer. How their father was able to maintain his sometimes icy and distant composer was something the boys had yet to understand. They used to laugh at seeing rival clan leaders turn red with a vein bursting in their neck, as Sojiro remained unaffected by whatever insult they would throw at him. But being on the other side of it was a different story.

           Hanzo could just see how increasingly frustrated Genji was with their father. Genji was 100% in the wrong completely. But that does not mean he cannot relate to his little brother’s clear annoyance with how cold, Sojiro could be. That part he could not fault his little brother. But that is as far as his sympathy went for Genji.

“But Kazuki’s dad is letting him leave for the summer!” The green haired teen folded his arms. “And he way worse than me!”

           Hanzo scoffed. “Yeah, and Kazuki’s dad is also a 62 year old man who just married his fifth, 24 year old wife…” Genji shot a glare at his brother. “Isn’t he getting ready to go on trial for embezzlement?” As if they all didn’t know the answer to that question.

“Shut up. That’s not the point.” Genji huffed. “My point is that Kazuki’s dad-”

“Oh is that so?” Sojiro looked at his youngest son. Neither brother liked the haughty tone their father was using. “Well if Kazuki’s father is so great, why don’t you move in with them, huh?” Genji didn’t respond, unsure where Sojiro was going with this. “I am sure, him being so grand and amazing that he will have no problem moving you in, hm?” Sojiro’s smile would honestly be mistaken as genuine. “And since he is so amazing, I am positive he will buy you a new phone and car, as well as anything else, right?” In that instant, his smile dropped as he stuck his hand out. “So be sure to leave your keys and phone here.”

           The green haired teen groaned loudly, stomping his foot before storming out. Hanzo could no longer contain his laughter after the office door was slammed shut as his father pinched the bridge of his nose. “I swear we need a schedule. I cannot keep dropping everything to deal with him when he’s behaving like an infant.”

“Maybe you should let him move in with Kazuki…” Hanzo said after collecting himself. “He will understand how it is to live with someone just like him.”

           If the short glare he got was anything to go by, his father did not like that plan at all. “I just don’t understand the sudden change in him…”

“You think he got back with his ex?” Hanzo suggested.

“Which one?” The elder man scoffed.

“The one you hated.”

“Which one?”

           The elder son couldn’t help but chuckle. “Fair point. But honestly? It’s that online game he’s been playing.” Hanzo wasn’t sure how many times at night he’s caught his little brother staring unblinking at his screen, playing some MMO game.

“Game? What game? Those damn arcade games?” Sojiro asked.

“No. It’s an online game. Blade and Soul or whatever… Something ridiculous.” Hanzo pretended to not know, to hide the fact that he himself has taken up with the game as well. But unlike Genji, Hanzo had some semblance of self-control.

           Sojiro merely hummed as he leaned back in his chair. He knew his youngest son. Once Genji takes interest in something, it is hell to get him to not obsess over it. Whether if it’s a foolish idea, a movie, or even a girl/boy/omnic, Genji throws himself into it full force. What whatever his new special interest was, he hyper focuses on it for Gods’ know how long. And if it’s a game, then it’ll be even more problematic to get him to stop. Genji would strive to be the best. Competiveness was also a family trait.

“I need a drink…” The man grumbled. Hanzo snorted, before standing up, mumbling a low ‘I’ll get it’. Once he finally alone the first time that morning, Sojiro let out a heavy sigh. He found himself debating on actually taking back on what he said and just let Genji on the trip, maybe take Hanzo with him. Maybe then he’ll get some semblance of peace for a few weeks. But he realized once again he was going easy on them. They were spoiled enough as it is. And the Elders where wearing on his already low patience for them. He didn’t need them telling him how to raise his own kids any more than they try to.

           His eldest son came back with a glass of red wine, to which Sojiro gladly took. “Before you go, my Eldest… What was the name of the game, your brother is playing again?” Hanzo pretended to think before answering.

“Blade and Soul… I think?”

           Sojiro nodded before waving Hanzo away. Alone again, Sojiro took a gulp of his wine before going to his computer. A little research on what the hell his second son was playing wouldn’t hurt.

~

“Fuck this fucking game!” A shout from the youngest master’s room was heard through the halls. A crash was heard before Genji came storming out of his room furious. He swore up and down as he stomped to his elder brother’s room before slamming the door behind him. The green hair teen plomped on Hanzo’s bed, not acknowledging his sibling who was laying on his bed.

“Uh… Hello?” Hanzo was both annoyed and confused by his brother’s outburst.

“Did I ever tell you how much video games suck?!” Genji somewhat asked. Hanzo has heard this speech before (19 times to be exact) and did not want to hear it again.

          Hanzo rolled his eyes, realizing his moments of peace are over. It’s moments like this where he relates deeply with his father. Maybe they should make a schedule to deal with Genji… “Save me the theatrics Shakespeare… What happened this time? Game glitched right when you were about to beat a level?”

          Genji shot up to look at his brother with so much fire in his eyes. “I wish! Some asshole kept killing me!” Hanzo remained silent, looking at his sibling with a bored look. He opened his mouth to reply with a smart ass comment. “And before you give me a smartass comment. Yes, I know that’s the part of the game. But this was different.”  A silent ‘Sure it is’ was in the air. “The dickhead was a level 80 and I swear on mom’s grave he was stalking me! I could barely teleport before, he pop up and kill me in one attack. I even went to a different server and boom! He was there and killed me again! It was so annoying!” Genji slammed head first onto the bed, letting out a groan.

“How tragic…” Hanzo sighed. “Now can you get out of my-”

“You want to train?” The bratty teen asked, showing his face. “I want to hit something.”

           The elder brother looked baffled for a second. Since when as Genji ever suggested they train? Hanzo lost count at the many times Genji had to be dragged to the training room by his ear. But if his green haired brother was offering, he would not object. “Uh, sure? Let’s go then.”

~

           Dinner time in the Shimada household did not need to be as grand as it was but it wouldn’t be a Shimada dinner. Most of the guards are were out on a job so the dining hall was rather empty. Sojiro and Hanzo talked between each other, Hanzo mainly asking about his father’s meeting with the Eto clan and when the next meeting with their allies would be; A normal conversation between the father and son.

           Of course, in the Shimada household moments of peace were rare as Genji slammed opened the doors. He slugged his way to his seat, giving a few grunts to the guards who gave him their usual ‘Young Master’ greeting.

“Do you not intend to speak today? Or is this a vow of silence?” Sojiro asked, now turning his attention to his second son.

“I just read through eight chapters of that stupid book our teacher assigned for the summer.” Genji mumbled. “It’s so boring dad. You might like it.”

           With a twitch to his eyebrow, Sojiro choose to ignore that little comment. “What made you decide to read it then?” He went back to his plate of food, glancing at Genji from time to time.

“I can’t play my game anymore. That asshole-“

“No swearing at the table.” Sojiro was quick to correct. Genji rolled his eyes. “And if you’re going to roll your eyes, you can roll them right back to your room, Genji.”

Genji sighed dramatically but didn’t push. “Whatever. Some high level player keeps hounding me. I did everything. I changed servers. I changed my password, thinking I got hacked. I made a new character and somehow he still found me. Hell I even used Hanzo’s laptop and the prick still killed me.”

“You took my laptop?” Hanzo asked, already sounding annoyed.

“Anyways, I hate that game now. And since I can’t go to New York with my friends… I’ll be like Hanzo and- OW!” Genji felt a strong kick his shin. The younger sibling looked his brother with annoyance and to his father for assistance but Sojiro was too busy sipping from his glass of wine to care.

“Hm… How odd…” Sojiro said lowly into his cup.

           It was only for a split second, but Hanzo was sure of what he saw; a smirk. A rather cocky triumphant smirk from his father. He didn’t think anything of it until he started to remember the past few days. How so sudden Genji’s problem with his game started, how very strategic it was, how much of a coincidence the whole thing sounded.

Very odd indeed.

~

           Normally, Hanzo would knock on his father’s office door and wait until he was granted permission but he couldn’t wait. In his defense he did knock, but gave his father no time to even speak before he said anything. Looking over his glasses as he stopped writing, Sojiro was confused by this sudden intrusion from his first born.

“Something you ne-”

“It was you.” Hanzo declared with his arms folded and the most smug grin on his face.

“Me?” Sojiro asked, arching an eyebrow.

“Yes. You. And you know what I’m talking about, so you should just admit it.”

“I honestly don’t.” Sojiro put his pen down, and looked his son even more uncertainty.  

           Hanzo scoffed. “You and I both know you are too smart and too prideful to play dumb. It’s not a good look for you. So quit pretending.” Hanzo was so sure of himself about this.

           Sojiro let out a heavy sigh, taking off his glasses, leaning back in his chair. “Okay fine. I was the one who cheated during last week’s card game. Happy?”

“Yes- Wait what?” Now it was Hanzo’s turn to be confused.

“Honestly, I know I am the first to talk about honor in victory but when a lot of money is on the line, honor can come second.”

           A paused ensued, before Hanzo spoke. “First off. I want a rematch. Secondly, I am talking about Genji’s stupid game. I know you have something to do with it somehow. I saw that smirk you had last night when Genji told you about it.”

           Sojiro folded his arms, looking at his first son intently before chuckling. “So what if I did? You know your brother. He was not going to listen to reason. So yes, I had to take matters into my own hands. As I always do around here.”

“I knew you were ruthless but wow…” Hanzo shook his head with a smirk. “So how did you do it? Call the game company to target Genji’s character?”

“We are a clan of assassins, my Eldest. I merely hired an outside party. It was not hard to find the top players of the game and ask one of them to handle Genji’s character every time he logged in.”

“I can see the headline now… Japan Dad Hires Virtual ‘Hitman’ To Take Out Lazy, Video-Gaming Son. Catchy huh?” That smug grin on Hanzo’s face was starting to bug Sojiro. He could feel it in his wallet.

“Not as catchy as Japan Dad Hires Real Hitman on His Rat of a Son for Snitching on Him.” Sojiro hissed out.

Hanzo shrugged. “Hm… Mines better. However I’m not going to tell Genji…” Sojiro patiently waited for the ‘but’ in that statement. “But I will expect a raise in my allowance by this week.”

Sojiro scoffed, waving his son off. He knew his wallet was going to be affected by this. “Yes, yes, yes. Fine. Now shoo. I have a lot of work to do.” Hanzo gave his father another smile before heading out. He’s positive that a white hair just sprouted in his father’s hair just now. Lord Shimada huffed, shaking his head as he turned in his chair to look out his giant window. He couldn’t help but scoff.

“Gamers…”

[sigurdjarlson]

theres so much potential with this new race system!!  and with them talking about adding even more than the 6 talked about i’m just having fun dreaming...and thinking about what would be cool

Vrykrul

I honestly expect this to eventually be a playable race. I’d say most likely allied with the horde? They’re quite similiar to orcs culture wise. I can easily see them becoming playable. We just had all that Stormheim stuff so they’re still present in current content..i dont think its difficult to imagine the horde recruiting them when the time comes

We just helped the Valajar so they might be willing.

Yay for Vikings!

Ethereal

They’re bringing them back into the fold so it wouldn’t be a reach. They could easily have them ally themselves with one side or actually you know what I think would be more fitting? They choose a side like Pandaren? Ethereals are known for being rather self-serving. It seems like they would choose to go their own way rather than stick to one side

Naga

Naga should have been a race a long time ago in my opinion. They probably would have been if not for their models. Look, I don’t know much about ideo game creation but they should make naga a thing. The only thing is they would have to establish a friendly/neutral faction of naga. Which I don’t think is improbable or impossible. I find the idea of a species or race being 100% evil sooo boring. 

It seems like we’re getting more Azshara stuff and I don’t think it’s too far of a reach to say maybe some don’t agree with Azshara. Rebels perhaps? Who knows. There are many possibilities.

Furbolgs

Alright, yeah Furbolgs would be a bit silly but I’ve always LOVED them. They’ve been present since Classic. I could easily see one or more of the tribes swearing their allegiance to the alliance. (due to their close relationship with nelfs) Some of them are actually quite intelligent so honestly I don’t think it would be too much of a reach. 

The alliance needs more beast races..

The Broken / Krokul

Look, we should have been able to play The Broken a long time ago when we were given Draenei. They are Draenei or..were? I don’t know if they still consider themselves as such. With this new sub-race sort of system we’re getting I think this would be a good idea. They’ve got so much interesting history and with them being brought back into the light with Argussian Reach on Argus..it could be a starting point.

We are cleaning up Argus so perhaps we end up taking in refuges or some start coming to Azeroth now that they’re free. I mean since they’re draenei based it would make since for them to be allied to the alliance but who knows.

Ogres

If i remember correctly they did want to add ogres once. Honestly I have little interest in rolling one but I think it’d be a good choice for the horde. Some of them are relatively intelligent and not all of them are hostile. There are so many different factions they could come from a lot of different places.

Sporelings 

This is pretty much an instant “No.” but I think they’re adorable. I loved getting to Exalted with them back in BC. As for how it could be implemented if somehow they did decide to do it.

Well Outland still exists. We most likely still have forces there (on both sides) so when it comes to all out war between the alliance and horde I don’t think it’s too much of a reach to say that both sides will be looking for allies wherever they can get them and that includes reaching out to factions and races we might not have interacted with for a long time.

Sporelings are pretty much a no for many reasons but for the record that’s kind of my stance on old races coming back into the fold in general. Just write them in well and it works.

Arakkoa 

This is a long time coming okay. I LOVE Arakkoa. There are friendly Arrakoa populations on both Outland and alternate-Draenor and I could see them allying themselves with one of the factions.

Tuskarr

This is a bit of a silly one I guess but I loved the Tuskarr. Maybe we go to Northrend looking for allies and one side gets them? Maybe they seek us out for some reason. Who knows.

Frenzyheart

They’re not very intelligent, there’s not much out there about them beyond getting to Exalted with their faction but I think they’re pretty neat.

Wolvar

^^^ Same as Frenzyheart (although they might not ally themselves with either side after all those players stealing their children for daily quests ;)

Oracles

More intelligent than their sworn enemy the Frenzyheart but there’s a lack of lore for them, their models make it unlikely, overall both are probably outright no’s. 

Jinyu 

YES YES YES. I love Jinyu. I don’t think this would be a stretch at all especially since Jinyu are already allied to the alliance (and Hozen with the horde). The Alliance calls on their allies in Pandaria for aid? I could see it.

Ramkahen

Their models kind of make them an automatic no because blizz is lazy but come on who wouldn’t want to play as a cat centaur creature. Also intelligent and have an established culture. 

Wildhammer Dwarves

With the inclusion of Dark Iron Dwarves this wouldn’t be too much of a stretch i think. 

High Elves

They’re so close to blood elves but since we’re doing this allied race thing it could be a thing

Half-race

no pics

Nuff said. I’m also curious which races can interbreed. You know what would be really interesting. Half Alliance Race/Half Horde Race characters (a half human half orc for example) that like Pandaren have to choose a side OR can remain neutral perhaps?

Klaxxi

They kind of hate anyone but they’re pretty 

Hozen

Their models make it unlikely but it would make since if they added Jinyu. Jinyu for alliance, Hozen Ifor Horde just like in MoP

Saberon

CAT PEOPLE. Nuff said. Some of them are relatively intelligent. Might even be an interesting contrast to worgen.(maybe give them to the horde)

please...blizzard I want cat people

Centaur

Unlikely for many reasons

oh good lord would they need a new model. look at dem classic graphics

Dark Elves

There’s not much known about them and some people say they were what night elves were referred to in the very beginning of the game’s creation. But I’m always a slut for elves. It’s always possible to make new lore

Dragons/Dragonkin/Dragonspawn/Drakenoids/etc

Unlikely but god do I want to be a dragon (might make since if they can have a humanoid form)

Gnolls

They’re not really...intelligent enough to be a playable race I think?

Murlocs (lrdhlfdh)

Oddly enough could be possible (disregarding models) since some of them hav human level intelligence

Demonic Races like the Mo’arg

I mean it would be cool but demons are pretty...you know, demonic. However black and white morality is never fun. Demons that have become disillusioned with the Legion? Demons who were forced into it? Could there be “good” demons or demons who are willing to ally themselves with mortals to help themselves somehow at least? I think so

Kobolds

You take my candle for the LAST TIME

Nerubian

Bug people races seem unlikely but they’re certainly intelligent enough, have enough lore to justify putting them 

Quillboar 

I mean..why not

Satyr 

THIS WOULD BE COOL. Although ^ like demonic races they would have to display that there are indeed Satyr that are not completely evil

Dryads

Dryads are fucking adorable and have been present forever. 

Saurok

NASTY TRASH LIZARDS. Unlikely due to a lack of intelligence and general shittiness but I love them

Taunka

another kind of Tauren so I think it’s possible

Yaungol 

^^^^^ see Taunka

Blackrock Orcs

we have dark iron dwarves so why cant they have blackrock orcs

Mag’har

This one has been a long time coming I think

Vulpera

Who wouldn’t want to be a fox person?

those snake people in the trailer

SNEEPLE. I just really want more beat races okay. I think the alliance in particular has a lack of beast races. Snake people would probably go with the horde tho

those plant people

I just think they’re neat

[vadathheilsang]

Why I don’t like Soldier being Gay (Please read the whole thing before you give me hate.)

The main reason was that I felt it could have been handled much better than it did. The entire short story gave us so much more information about Ana, Overwatch, and the future world as a whole. And then Soldier 76 is gay. If I literally had to reread a paragraph because I thought I messed up reading, you’ve either done something really well or really bad, and in this case I felt it was bad.

My reasoning for this is that it was just so out of left field and unexpected. The story was supposed to be about Ana, and suddenly we are getting more information about Jack. (Such as him not having a family and that he has a Wolverine-esque healing factor.) I was a big fan of this, since Soldier is one of my favorite characters. (Don’t get me wrong, he still is one of my favorite characters.) However, I was expecting a story about Ana to be more about... Well... Ana.

Ana is another one of those Overwatch characters whom I feel didn’t have as much lore as some other of the Overwatch Agents, which made me feel a sort of disconnect while playing as her. This short story fixed that. A story that was focused around Ana gave her more background and character, which is good. However, making Soldier 76 gay in this story sort of undermines the entire story, because people aren’t seeing “New Ana Lore!” in their news feed. Instead, they see “Soldier 76 is gay and white cis het men are evil for not liking it!”.

Suddenly, people are focusing on Soldier 76, the character who is not the focus of the story, instead of on Ana, the character who IS the focus of the story. A lot of cool Ana lore was revealed here, such as how she is scared of telling her family that she is alive and well, as well as how she donned the mask of Bastet. But no, news articles, Reddit, and Tumblr all have to focus on how Jack is gay. And don’t tell me that Blizzard didn’t see this coming; people have being crying in the forums about LGBT heroes (and changing current heroes to be LGBT) for the longest time. Blizzard knew exactly what they were doing. (Because of this, it just feels like they wanted to pander to an audience instead of trying to seriously make soldier gay, since it was just kind of slapped on.)

I actually have come up with two ways as to how this reveal could have been done better: One with the same outcome but in a more positive light, and the other being radically different from what Blizzard actually gave us.

1. If you are gonna do the soldier is gay reveal, do it right. Do it in a story, comic, or animated short dedicated to and based around soldier 76, and NOT steal the spotlight from another character. (Seriously, how many people have you seen who actually discuss the new Ana lore? I can’t have conversations with anyone about it because whenever I ask someone about the short story they freak out about gay soldier.)

2. Make a comic/story/short while introducing a NEW character and make the new character gay. Funny enough, if you introduce a new hero as being gay, and do it well, then some people might actually focus on the aspect of the lore that is the focus of that media while also not complaining about how the character being gay was just tacked on. (Yeah, people will still complain. I know that. But it will be a significantly smaller number than the current one.) Heck, I even came up with an idea for how a comic for this Vincent character could have played out.

(The idea) Vincent is at home and watching tv with his family or something. Suddenly, it gets interrupted and we see the broadcast that Winston made. Vincent then goes on to remember some of his past experiences from when he was in the super soldier program. (Pretty sure that the Ana story mentions that he and Jack knew each other back during Omnic Crisis as soldiers, before Overwatch was created. Someone correct me if I’m wrong.) After we see the flashback, Vincent thinks about how he was never able to tell Jack how he felt, as he thought that Jack’s job as the strike commander of Overwatch would prevent the two from being together. We then see Vincent prepare himself for battle as his family asks if he truly needs to go, to which he answers, that yes, the world does need heroes to protect it. End of media. (Actually, now that I think about it, I kind of just ripped off Honor and Glory by complete accident. If anyone has any better ideas for this, let me know please!)

So yeah. I believe that this was a bad piece of Overwatch media because the actual lore being pushed forward was just completely overshadowed by one reveal that was not important to the story at hand. (Had the reveal been done earlier, the way it was implemented would have been fine since it would give Jack a bit more lore while also not overshadowing everything else.)

PS I swear to god, anyone who mentions that this was foreshadowed by the picture in reflections has worse eyesight than Helen Keller. Jack is wearing different outfits in the pictures, he wears his hair in a different style (he looks like 76 in Reflections but looks like Jack in Bastet), and the hair just straight up is different colors as well. It’s very clearly NOT the same image. (And if it is supposed to be the same image, why the hell you be changing the picture Blizzard?)

PSS Just before I was about to post this, I saw the video for the Bastet Challenge, and uh... Yeah. Blizzard is trying to push the soldier thing by straight up making one of the items during ANA’S BASTET CHALLENGE a spray of the picture that Soldier 76 looks at in the short story. How the hell is that an “Ana themed spray”?! That kind of just backed up my point on how Blizzard was trying to pander rather than move the Overwatch story forward.

But what do you all think? Depending on whether you give an intelligent answer or not, I will reply in a kind and thoughtful way, or a Winston insulting my main man Reaper kind of way. (That’s a reference to an in-game joke dialogue to anyone who just follows to the story and doesn’t play.)

[cerealwatch]

Okay so

Oh boy. Okay. I’d love to talk about all things Overwatch with you! Just… be prepared for some salt about certain characters. These are just my opinions.

I’m gonna put this under read more because this is gonna be long, my friend.

OKAY okay so. Let’s start at the beginning. The Overwatch timeline is really, really confusing. The Overwatch lore is confusing in general. I have no idea what happens when, but thankfully someone (I can’t remember who, but they’re a savior) made a reasonable timeline of the Overwatch events.

However, new things keep getting added and I’m???? I’m confused but. Like. The Uprising event. I thought Ana died 10 years prior to present Overwatch time but the Null Sector mission took place 7 years ago so like???? You just have to freestyle. The timeline is basically nonexistent so all I have to say on that is I just do whatever the hell I want with the timeline and nobody makes a fuss because we all share that apathy. No one cares about the timeline. It’s not even worth the effort to try to piece it together.

And I mean, the information we have on most of the characters is really vague??? I mean it gives me a lot of room to experiment and stuff but I’d love to have something solid on the characters that aren’t part of the original strike team or the Shimada Bros (because god knows how much Chu favors those two).

Like, D.Va, Symmetra, Zarya, Mei, Emily… they get ignored. Entirely. We only have mere snippets of them to work with and even then, I don’t have a fucking clue. It’s upsetting, really, but I assume (and hope, and pray, and wish, and need) we’ll get like a comic or an animation on one of theme here soon.

Well, we’d better. Or something for Pharah or Mercy because I SWEAR TO GOD if its something for the characters that already have SUBSTANTIAL LORE to work with I’m gonna be upset. I’m already upset. I’ll just be even more upset.

Like at this point there’s only a select few characters I even relatively give a shit about? But I figure I’ll just go through every character and state my opinion on them.

Genji - “I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HE—“ This is the ultimatum of Genji. He’s a double-edged sword. I can’t find it in myself to like him, not after everything. I won’t let myself say that I hate him, but I just… I can’t appreciate his character. In theory, his design in aesthetically appealing, and his backstory is dark in a way that I might have been able to enjoy were it not Genji. But at this point, he’s too far out of reach. His gameplay is not one that works well with mine, as a Mercy main, and the people who play him are THE MOST toxic in all the Overwatch community, hands down. And when I don’t heal him, Genji players don’t understand that maybe it’s because I have no idea where the fuck they are. Maybe it’s because they’re on the other side of the goddamn map and boy, would I love to heal you, but I can’t if you aren’t within reach of my health noodle. Maybe it’s because they’re jumping head first into the enemy team, and I may be healer, but my priority first and foremost is to keep MYSELF alive, so if you die in .2 seconds it’s not my fault.

In my opinion, Genji contributes nothing to a team, and where Overwatch is TEAM FOCUSED game, I can’t see the point in having him on a team. I can’t see the point in risking my life to heal him. I don’t see what he brings to the table. I won’t let myself hate him because Genji, as a character, deserves better than what people who play him make him, but I don’t see his value.

McCree - I could care less about McCree. I don’t have a set opinion in him. His character is extra in a way that is almost comical, and I can appreciate the McCree & Pharah sibling dynamic. It’s cute. And McCree is fun to play, I will admit. But as for what happens to him, I could care less. His character interactions are boring. His personality isn’t interesting. So while I don’t dislike him, simply because he’s fun and weird, I really just don’t care about him. At all.

Pharah - I LOVE HER I love her so much. I love Fareeha “Pharah” Amari. I love her because she’s everything you need for a commander, and I love her because she loves everyone. Like, she can be stern and strategic and harsh but she also cares so much for her teammates. I love her because of her morals— her tendency to defend, her instinctual need to protect. This is her life. This is what she was born to do— protect, and love, and if anyone should be the face of net-overwatch it had damn well better be her. I love her because her comfort can be the wisest of words and it can be the smallest of brushes of shoulders in the hallways and I love her because both of those comforts can mean the same thing in different contexts. I love her because when her mother left, she wasn’t understanding, fucking hell she was bitter. And you can hear it in her interactions that, maybe, she’s still bitter, she’s still mad at her mom for leaving. She certainly isn't upset for her mother putting her work above her child, but she’s bitter because she’s doing what she loves in protecting people and the only thing she can think of is how much her mother would disapprove. I don’t like what the fandom has done to her in making her character revolve solely around her mother, because while Ana certainly made her who she is, she doesn't define her. She’s the Strike Commander that the new Overwatch deserves.

Reaper - At the beginning, before we had any background on what he was like before the fall, I disliked him. I thought he was boring and his gameplay was dull and he was just some angsty teen wearing every clusterfucked article of clothing in Hot Topic. But now, now that I have lore, I love this man. I love his dedication and the fact that it wasn’t jealousy, it never was, but it was the fact that Overwatch wasn’t doing jack shit while the world crumbled in London. He deserved so much more than what he got— his strike team of fuck-ugly Overwatch rejects. Talon fucked him up but I think, deep down, he’s still just sad about what could have been and he just wants to take Widow and Sombra on vacation to Hawaii and not have to think about war or blood or Blackwatch or Talon ever again. If Pharah is the leader Overwatch needs now, he was the leader Overwatch deserved but never got, the one who cared about the troops and the cause so much that he would go so far as to forsake the law to fight for what he believed in. Easily one of my favorites.

Soldier: 76 - FUCK THIS MAN fuck him and his stupid white bread face and fuck his dumb aimbot let and FUCK the 12 year olds who can’t aim that play him. Fuck the people that see him as some dumb fucking father figure because he’s not he's a dumb, salty asshat who can’t accept the fact that Overwatch’s fall was his own dumb fault like the selfish fucking motherfucker he is. But most importantly, FUCK his stupid, unoriginal gameplay and his stupid unoriginal backstory. Blizzard thought they were being clever when they took Call of Duty and slapped a Yankee cap on it and called him Soldier: 76 but they weren’t. Fuck this dumb blonde-haired-blue-eyed poster boy that can’t get over his cardboard ass. Fuck him.

Sombra - Her voice actress is a gift and her gameplay is actually super useful if used correctly and her character has a lot of potential and dynamic, especially with Reaper and Widowmaker, but I just can’t get super into her??? Like she’s really, really cool in terms of overall design and people who write her, kudos to you, but I can only appreciate her from a distance. Sometimes I wish I could like her more, but I can’t I just… can’t. She’s not for me.

Tracer - SHE’S SO IMPORTANT so important in so many ways. First and foremost, she’s the face of Overwatch and she’s gay and that’s cool. That’s super cool. I mean, it’s a small step forwards, but it’s a step in the right direction. Furthermore, she is important in that she is the heart and soul of Overwatch. She is what makes it a hero organization. She gives it that natural, friendly appeal. But even further, she loves so freely and openly. But she’s not perfect, and thats what I think is the best thing about her. She couldn't save Mondatta, and she beat herself up over it. She fell through time and space and she wasn't fine afterwards. She still isn't fine, but the most important thing is that she moves forward. That’s why she is one of my top three favorite characters. (In relation to There’s Blood in the Water, I gave her the ‘healing hands’ trope for this reason. It’s in her nature to care, so when she helps Hana along her way, it comes naturally to her not because she pities Hana, but because it’s in her nature to care.)

Bastion - Play of the Game Simulator 2k17. A one-button masterpiece of a game where you look in one direction and shoot and wow! Look! You got a kill. Good job, you special snowflake you. A+ gameplay 10/10 would recommend.

Hanzo - I don’t like him. He’s just a fucking idiot is what he is. Nothing, absolutely nothing of what he did to Genji was justified. Like, if I was mad at my brother for enjoying the simple things in life would I be mad? I mean, sure, but like if I were the heir to the empire anyways I wouldn’t see a damn problem. But like, even if I were mad, why the fuck would I kill him over it? It just makes no fucking sense. There’s no reason. There is absolutely no reason someone should ever be so angry as to see murder as the only solution. There’s just no situation, especially with a sibling, someone you share your flesh and blood and your fucking life with, where murder is justifiable. Hanzo fucked up when he ‘killed’ Genji and any guilt he feels by that decision is what he deserves. Anything that comes his way, he fucking deserves that shit. Honestly, he’s lucky that his brother found in in himself to forgive him because, if like, my older sister tried to kill me because she was upset I was having sex rather than, say, paying my bills, I would be pretty fucking upset.

Junkrat - This dumb fcuking garbage man. You don’t need to aim to play him. You don’t need any level of experience with Overwatch to play him. Honestly he’s just so dislikeable???? I honestly can’t believe there are people that actually LIKE his character and ENJOY his play style. It’s just… so hard for me to believe. He’s so dumb. He’s SO DUMB. You don’t need to AIM to play him. And the people that ship him with Symmetra and Mei I’m just??? You really think they would let him within 10 feet of them??? Because you are sorely mistaken. This stinky rat man needs to go in the trash bin where he belongs.

Mei - Okay like she’s actually a fucked up character?? People overlook the fact that she was the sole survivor of the Ecopoint incident. Like, can you imagine that? Waking up one day after everything had gone to shit, coming out of the cryopod and looking around and realizing that you were the only one that made it out alive. And it would be weeks before help arrived so just waking up every morning and seeing those frozen bodies in the windows of the cryopods. Can you imagine what that would do to someone? So like the fact that she is able to stay so upbeat and focus on her dreams is beyond me. Like the nightmares from that shit would be fucking wild. Just… respect Mei, man. She’s got her scars.

Torbjörn - I mean, despite the nonexistent level of skill that is required to play him, he’s not that bad? I like envisioning him as a total family man. Like, drops everything to cal his wife just to tell her he loves her. Even in the middle of battle. Loves all of his children and sends them souvenirs from wherever his missions take him. Names every single one of his turrets and encourages them, like ‘I believe in you, Linda, you can do it!’ or ‘Come on Olaf, just a little longer and then we win!’ I feel like he would just… take in anyone under his wing. You need help fixing something? He’ll help. You need to rant? He’ll listen. Albeit, it’s in a bit of a roundabout way, but he has seven kids and he knows how to listen. Fuck Dad: 76, where are my Dad Torb fics? You know, the guy who actually has children?

Widowmaker - Out of every character in this goddamn shitting addictive game, I think her lore is, by far, the most interesting. Capture by Talon and programmed to kill her husband at just the right moment, then released back under pretenses that everything was fine— I doubt even she knew what was wrong with her until it was too late, and then that guilt was manipulated and twisted until they had their perfect weapon. The Widowmaker. And I think, subconsciously, she’s aware of what she’s done, aware that she’s messed up beyond repair and that she’s done horrible things. And I think that’s what drives her to, eventually, let herself be taken in by Overwatch (purely a headcanon of mine). Eventually, she will have a redemption arc, and it will be long and hard and she won’t be the same. The idea that Amélie is still in there, somewhere, is pretty childish in my opinion because nobody’s the same after torture, and on the degree hers was supposedly at, there’s no possible way. She won’t revert back to what she was. After all that happened to her, she’ll never be the same. But she can start over.

D.Va - DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON D.VA don’t even. I love her SO FUCKING MUCH. I love her SO MUCH that I wrote 85k words that’s basically torture porn that was put in a blender with a healthy dose of introspection and PTSD. I love her character, I love her gameplay, and more than anything else, I love her ult. But I also hate her, and before you ask why, I’ll make my case.

I hate what this fandom and Blizzard have done to her. I fucking hate it. There’s nothing that could get me to hate you more, or shut you out of my life more than saying you think the ‘gaming gremlin’ thing is funny. Because that shit’s disrespectful. It attacks D.Va’s character and it attacks gamers and it attacks 19-year-olds and the case they make? “It’s funny. It’s just a joke.” No. Shut the fuck up. That shit hurts. You don’t know how hurtful it is. You don’t know how hurtful it is to be disrespected like that. And that’s why Blood in the Water is the way it is because I know that shit and it fucking hurts.

The only thing I could possible hate more than that is infantilizing her. Is lowering to such a standard where she’s nothing more than a child in a catsuit. There is nothing more disrespectful than taking her character— a soldier, a war hero, a celebrity, and a survivor— and thinking: “She’s just a child!” Fuck you. She’s nineteen. She’s every bit an adult as the rest of them. She has seen war and she has seen death. People she loved have died. Her home was destroyed, but that doesn't matter to the fandom, does it? They take her and degrade her into nothing more than Jack Fucking Morrison’s “baby girl” and there’s nothing that makes me angrier. Write stories about her and her PTSD. Write stories about her and the imminent guilt that comes with being a commander in a war. Write stories about her coping with the weight of a country on her shoulders. But I swear to Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, don’t write stories about her being nothing more than a fucking Dorito imp. Because I see enough of that shit in her tag already.

Orisa - I mean, I don’t really have enough information to come to a solid conclusion about Orisa, but I can go with some basics. Her gameplay is a little dull— it copies off of way too many preexisting characters. Her design is fucking brilliant, but her skill set is almost as dull as Soldier: 76’s. Despite that, I actually like her quite a bit— she’s the Baymax of Overwatch, and Efi’s the Hiro. I’d let this centaur robocop lady hold me any day.

Reinhardt - I love sad grandpa who just wants to support everyone in whatever they do. He’s such a pure and wholesome character. Even if you don’t believe in yourself, you can bet your ass he’ll pick you up off the ground and help you the rest of the way. He cares so deeply about his comrades, and I think that’s what makes him such a lovable character. He just cares so deeply, even about people he doesn’t know too well. Love this grandpa. Also, did I hear dad figure to Mercy because you bet your ass I headcanon that shit.

Roadhog - I often forget he’s a character until I get hooked through 16 walls, the multiverse, and my entire team. It’s a fucking adventure.

Winston - He’s trying his best to lead Overwatch but I don’t think he’s cut out for it. And honestly, his character is really bizarre in a way that I don’t even know how to react to it. He’s a genetically modified gorilla from the fuck shitting moon, not to mention he can talk and his only friend is an unbelievable mom-like voice on a futuristic iPad. He’s like McCree in that he’s extra, but it isn’t even funny with him. It’s just plain weird.

Zarya - Zarya, I feel, is the most underrated in Overwatch’s roster. You don’t see any stories delving into her, you don’t see lore in her favor. She has few character interactions (but the ones she has are, by far, amazing). I would love to see more work of her, just because she’s such a likable character (come on, that pink hair just takes the cake). Maybe, someday, I’ll get around to writing her more because writing her is fun as all hell. I just want her to hold me in those big, strong arms of hers and make my depression and anxiety back the fuck off. Holy damn. She’s like the cool older sister that everybody needs.

Ana - Honestly, I’m actually kind of bitter about Ana. I can’t forgive what she did to Pharah. I don’t understand why or how she could bring herself to do that. But I believe that, more than any other character, she has the potential to make amends. You can tell, in the dialogue they have, the backstory they could potentially share, that they want to make amends, but it’ll be hard because who can blame Pharah for being bitter? Ana understands. In fact, she probably thinks she deserves it herself. I can’t imagine how guilty she would feel, how much she would worry that after so long, her only daughter might not want anything to do with her anymore, but she’ll try because she refuses not to make amends before her time comes. And, in time, things will ease into the way it should have been all along, and all she can think of is how lucky she is to have such a daughter.

Lúcio - This boy. He believes in you. The most supportive support to ever support. But his story isn’t that deep. His character is shallow in a way I can’t interest myself in. Like, sweet prince, I love you, but you aren’t really all that important to me. But I will always do my best to protect this boy.

Mercy - You know, when I got this game, I told myself I wouldn’t become a Mercy main. I told myself that because I’d read how hard and unrewarding it was. But now, with somewhere close to 85 hours clocked into her, I can only laugh at myself. And really, it is unrewarding. You gain nothing from playing her. It’s hard and it’s stressful and it makes you bitter and there just… isn't an upside. But I’ll keep playing her because if I’m good at being stressed and bitter and exhausted. My friends jokingly call me the ‘Unsupportive Support’ and really, that’s what Mercy is in-game. But no matter how unrewarding it is, I swear to god, there is NO BETTER feeling than watching your teammates all getting sucked into a graviton surge, knowing they’re going to die, and looking down and seeing that you have rez. There’s no better feeling than gliding in there and watching that 5x appear on your screen and this grin spreads across your face because you know, and the enemy team that failed to kill you knows they’ve fucked up big time. NO BETTER FEELING than a five-man rez.

But in terms of lore, personality, and interaction, she’s actually really interesting and fun to write just because I can relate to her so heavily. There’s no way she sleeps on a normal schedule. There’s no way she’s all sunshine and rainbows and pretty pearly smiles. There’s no way she’s anything other than exhausted all the time, kept awake only by heavy overdoses of caffeine. Like, the so obviously hypocritical factor about her is such a likable work. She makes sure everyone else keeps their health in check and then neglects her own. It makes her feel like such a human character. And her interactions? Some of the best in the game (namely with Pharah because that is the good shit). I love Mercy. Second favorite character, and by far the most relatable.

Symmetra - And here she is, the most ignored, underplayed character in the game. She has like, a grand total of ONE character interaction. And what’s worse is that she’s such an interesting character? Her internal conflict of work vs ethic is such a cool concept, and yet we don’t see anything of it. We just have to speculate. Does she regret what she’s done? Is she aware of the wrongness of it? Her comic didn’t help settle anything other than clarify that, at heart, she really is a good person. She really is just trying to make the world a better place, but the interesting thing is that she doesn’t know, perhaps, that what she’s doing with Vishkar isn’t good. It’s hurting more people than it helps. Her character has so much potential for grown, not that Blizzard will ever delve into it. She has potential to realize what she’s done and it’s not in her to wallow in it, but to do what she can to make it better. Which is why, I think, she joined Overwatch. That’s the thing about Blizzard— their little eggshell biographies don’t show the true intents of the characters, it doesn’t show their scars or their morals. And that’s what Satya needs most— her morals have been twisted from the beginning, her scars covered in invisible ink. Her life, all she knows, has been a lie, and when she realizes that, it’ll be a shitshow.

Also, that death noodle. It melts so fast. Why isn’t she played more? Who needs Reaper as a tankbuster when you could have Symmetra?

Zenyatta - Zenyatta is cool, but I think everyone always overlooks the fact that he’s only 20 years old? Like yeah he’s a monk but if you’ve seen 20 year olds they ain’t exactly saints. Let Zenyatta wear hoodies. Let Zenyatta make off-kilter jokes that no one expects because, well, its Zenyatta. He’s the universal vent-station and resident therapist of Overwatch, but let Zenny have some quirks, too. Writing him is super fun though because it’s just like ‘if I wasn’t constantly having an existential crisis what would I be like?’

[thecrookedgavel]

The Black Box Readings - Ep 4 Transcript

Here’s the transcript for episode 4 of The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down.

See Other Episodes

An: Hey, all! And welcome back to The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down! I’m your host, An Capuano. At this point, episodes one, two, and three are up, I’m super happy with some of the responses I got. People said a lot of encouraging things to me about my own stories I told. It’s really gratifying to bare your soul and have people respond positively. It’s strange that I wasn’t even planning on telling such stories when I recorded episode one, but I’m glad I decided to be real with you all. Obviously, I got some negative responses too, but in cases like these, they’re best ignored. 

So let’s get on to the episode! Today’s episode continues with the vibe of the previous one. Lots of positive energy to go around. Last time, Emmy starting dating Selena, came out as trans, and started loving herself. It was great to see her perspective on such positive things, but there is a clear difference this time around. Emmy has started conversing with Selena through reblogs on her Tumblr. So we get to see how they interact as a couple, and the things that they do together.

We’ll start off with a rather affectionate series of posts that contains a bit of cool news. I’ll try and do a distinct enough voice for when Selena is talking, but just in case it’s not enough, I’m going to say when the switch happens outloud.

Starting off with Emmy,

“Here’s my newest piece of art that I made! And it’s a very special picture, too! Can you guess why?” There was likely a photo that started off this thread, but again, I didn’t save any of Emmy’s art. Selena responds with,

“Omg bae, this can’t be what I think it is? Could it be the one you were telling me so much about?”

Emmy Continues,

“Yeah, it is! It’s my first commission! Someone wanted me to draw their OC in my style, and so they gave me a 20 dollar Steam code in exchange! I feel almost legitimate now!”

Then Selena writes,

“Emmy, don’t be silly. You’ve always been a legitimate artist. From the time you started drawing until today, you’ve always been legitimate. Your art is wonderful, and I can’t wait to see your next work!

Emmy responds with,

“Aww, you’re the sweetest! Maybe I’ll dedicate my next piece to you.”

And it continues a bit, but that gives us a good idea of their chemistry together. Now, I don’t remember these posts from the time they were first written, so I only really saw the picture once. I don’t remember it well, but I think it was a full-body shot of a punk character in Emmy’s sort of feminine style. I sort of regret not saving the pictures, but then again, how would I show them to you? 

But I want to point out how natural and sweet these two are together. They’re good for one another, and it really shows in this post. I’m also noticing that Emmy’s imposter syndrome is toned down at this point in time. I think that’s mostly due to Selena’s influence, because it can still crop up even when you’re getting paid. Though we should take a minute to celebrate Emmy getting paid, because getting commissioned is a big deal! Normally discussing prices associated with your art turns people off it completely. So I’m really glad she made some progress.

Next up we have another post with both of them talking, and the topic is rather serious. This time, they’re advocating for trans rights. They’re both against Bathroom Bills being passed. For those of you who don’t know, every once in a while, America tries to legislate where trans folk are allowed to use the bathroom. In Emmy’s state, they want to force people to use the bathroom labelled by their “birth sex”. I’ll let Emmy and Selena explain further. Emmy starts us off,

“I know I’m a little late to the party, but fuck this bathroom bill bullshit! I can’t believe the government wants to decide where we can pee yet again! I don’t go out much, but when I do, I obviously have to use the boy’s bathroom because I’m still in the closet to my dad. But when I do, it just feels awful. It’s another reminder that I don’t look like how I feel on the inside. It may sound dumb, but I honestly feel defeated every time I get misgendered by that dumb sign. I hate it, and I know other trans girls like me feel the same way. To make it illegal for us to use the girl’s bathroom even if we pass is straight bullshit! Fight for trans rights and oppose this stupid bill!”

Selena reblogs this, writing,

“I agree entirely. And I feel the same way when I’m forced to use the men’s room. Like, I am not a man??? So I don’t think that works for me. People say that without this bill, trans women will attack cis women in washrooms. However, that’s just a fear tactic that relies on the idea of trans women being predatory. Which is not the case!!! Say no to this bill! Trans rights are human rights!”

You tell them, girls! Trans rights are indeed human rights. And humans have the right to use the bathroom without fear of being arrested or beat up. Because that’s the choice a lot of us face when we don’t fully pass. Like, sometimes I go out in dresses or flannels with the buttons on the other side, and if I have to use a public restroom, *sigh* I face a difficult choice. Do I go to the men’s room and risk getting beat up for dressing a certain way? Or do I go to the lady’s room and risk getting kicked out of the building? Honestly, it’s not so bad for me, because it’s illegal to be beat up or kicked out due to one’s gender expression in Canada, but just because it’s illegal, doesn’t mean someone won’t try it. In America, under these types of bathroom bills, people who are mid-transition or non-binary would have to make very difficult choices if they needed to use a bathroom in public. Even folks who fully pass would have to risk getting arrested in order to use the washroom they would appear to belong in. *Sigh* Trying to hold it in may be safer sometimes, and that’s honestly messed up.

These two posts I did see when they initially posted them. I was very proud of them for advocating for trans rights. Though honestly, when you’re trans it’s kind of hard not to advocate for yourself. It’s a position without the privilege to turn a blind eye to injustices, you see. You can’t help but see how badly people like you are treated, so many of us speak up and try and be heard. We often fail. 

Sorry, I don’t mean to be a downer. *Sigh* These topics just get to me sometimes, and I think it’s important to share what I’m feeling about this, especially in case you don’t have a trans person in your life at the moment. 

Ok! So our next few posts are about a less serious topic, but one that Emmy and Selena are both very passionate about: Overwatch. I should explain that in competitive video games, developers will change the power levels of their characters in order to make the game more to their liking. Or, as it usually goes, to try and make it so that the community likes it more. The two of them are talking about one of those changes. Emmy starts us off with a post titled,

“Not My Girl!

Nooo, I can’t believe they’re nerfing Mercy! Blizzard just announced that they’re changing it so that mercy can no longer do a 5-man rez. In fact, she can only rez one hero at a time now. Why? What was the problem with how it was before? Now her ultimate is flying around, which she could already do in a pharmercy! If she’s really, really different I probably won’t even play anymore…”

Then we get a reblog from Selena,

“Noooo, bae! If you stop playing, who will I play with? You can’t seriously want to quit playing! Maybe new Mercy will be really good, we don’t know yet. Let’s at least wait until the patch comes and see what everyone else thinks.”

And we get a final response from Emmy,

“You’re right, I wouldn’t want to stop playing with you over this. That would be weird to not play Overwatch together anymore. I just hope that Blizzard knows what they’re doing this time. I mean, I may have to pick a new main, but I swear I’ll still play with you!”

It can be common for changes to Overwatch to be met with a lot of resistance. A lot of the time, when something you love about the game changes drastically, it can make sense to want to play something else. It is a little ironic that Emmy is worried about Mercy in this particular change, as it actually boosted her power level to the highest it ever was. So much so, there was like a year following it of nerfs to bring Mercy’s power down. I wonder what the two of them would think about the newest changes to the game? 

Although, I didn’t save any of her art, I do remember her personal art being a lot more light hearted at this point. There’s the obvious couple-y pictures but then there’s the more abstract stuff. Let’s just say that the imagery with chains and the like were gone from her work. That is, until after this post I’m about to read. *Sigh* I feel the need to warn you all first that it really changes the tone of the episode. If you’re not up for it, put this episode aside until you are. The post is titled,

“My Dad Read My Discord Messages

Sorry I haven’t been posting the past couple of days, some awful shit has happened to me. So I was a complete idiot and left Discord open on my phone. My Dad was suspicious of me, I guess, so he went through my phone and read through my conversations with Selena. And what he saw, he really didn’t approve of. Not only does he know I’m trans, but he knows I’m dating a latina girl. 

He was really fucking mad, I could tell from his handwriting from the letter he wrote to me. I can’t tell if he was more upset about me dating a girl, or that she was latina. After I confronted him with a letter of my own, he yelled at me. He knows I can’t understand him when he does that, but he did it anyways. In his first letter, he said it was a sin against God to have thoughts like this, and I’m sure he repeated it a lot out loud, too. I’m really afraid that he’s going to send me to conversion therapy or some shit like that, but then again, that would mean sending me out into the real world. What if he tries to convert me himself? I’m scared that he’s going to try and hurt me. But Leelah’s Law makes conversion therapy illegal right? But still…

He’s taken discord off my phone, which sucks, but at least I still have Tumblr. I’ll just have to make sure I log out every time now. I’m really happy that I have Selena on my side, my Dad can’t stop our love!”

Remember when I said Emmy’s Dad was kind of a piece of shit? This is what I had in mind. The fact that Emmy isn’t even sure that he won’t try and convert her forcibly really shows what kind of person he is. And I hate to say this, but Leelah’s Law only makes conversion therapy Illegal for minors. Emmy is over 18 at this point, so it’s not illegal if she is coerced to accepting the “help” needed to make her no longer trans. Not like conversion therapy actually makes you not queer, *sigh* it’s all a load of shit anyways. 

I don’t really feel the need to discuss why violating your child’s privacy is an awful thing to do, and I don’t think I need to explain why using religion as an excuse to hate doesn’t absolve you of being a bigot. I’m kind of not in the mood to do so either way. We have more episode to get through, and it’s not going to be pretty. 

Our next post is another one of Selena’s poems. But before I read it, I need to give a little context. I debated including a post before this one that talked a bit about Selena’s family situation, but I decided against it because this podcast is supposed to be about Emmy. It’s easier if I give a few facts here instead. 

So Selena doesn’t really have the most understanding family when it comes to queer issues, so although she’s been identifying as trans longer than Emmy has, she too has been completely closeted. Selena has several siblings, including some sisters, one of which is about the same clothing size as her. *Sigh* You may see where I’m going with this. I remember seeing a post on Selena’s tumblr where she talked about secretly wearing her sister’s clothes a couple of times, and getting away with it. I have a feeling she pushed her luck too far shortly after she made that post. Again, if you’re not ready to hear a post like this, there’s nothing wrong with putting the episode aside until you are. The poem is called, 

“My Truth Reduced to Lies

What do you do when the punishment doesn’t fit the crime? Or if there was no crime in the first place? 

When all I wanted was to appear as I feel, 

How dare you tell me what I did was wrong?

My radiance ripped into timidness 

My dignity pushed into shame

My integrity beaten into obedience

My daring smashed into fear

My truth reduced to lies

You tell me that being draped in belonging is worthy of this punishment?

I tell you you’re the evil ones

If my mistake was to be as I feel, it’s something I will never do again

But if I’m forced to live a lie, should I live at all?”

*Sigh* And then Emmy reblogged it saying: “Please don’t tell me this means what I think it does...:”

I’m so sorry Emmy, but I think it does mean what you think. *Deep breath* I feel so awful about this, because this poem never crossed my dashboard. I would have said something! I would have messaged Selena and… I don’t know, what I could have done… but it would have been better than doing nothing! *Sigh* I’m not really in the mood to give my usual analysis or whatever of the post, and I definitely don’t have some magical story from my life that will tie it all together in a neat little bow. 

*Tearing up* Like, people treat trans kids like this, and then wonder why our suicide rate is so damn high! The life expectancy for a trans woman is like 40 years! Things aren’t magically fixed because we’re now trending on Twitter or some shit! They beat her. They beat her because of who she was, and I can’t… *sobbing* I just can’t right now, this episode is over.

-----

Hey all, An here. I’m sorry about breaking down before. This is me recording again on a different day. I took a much-needed break from things, practiced some self care, and I’m feeling more centred than last time. I think I got too close emotionally to the subject matter. *Sigh* I doubt I was giving good commentary, I just sort of shut down before I started… well, you know. Anyways, I’m recording this because the episode is in fact, not over. There’s more to discuss here before we can end things off, otherwise the last episode of the season becomes too much to digest in one sitting. 

I feel a little dumb for blowing up like I did, but I think it’s important that I leave it in the podcast. I want to take this journey together, and it feels wrong to hide my emotions from you all. I want to be real with you, you know? But yes, I’m feeling better, so let’s get started. The posts are still of an upsetting nature, by the way. That will be the norm for a while. Emmy posts something titled: “I Don’t Know

I don’t know how I let everyone talk me into putting myself out there, I’m such a piece of shit. My art is trash, just like me. It will always be shit, I improve too slowly for it to mean anything. I hate looking at it, so you probably do too. 

Things are bad with my Dad. He won’t respond to me, and the way he looks at me now, it’s so full of hate. Not like I don’t deserve it. 

To top it all off, Selena dumped me yesterday. Can you blame her? I certainly can’t. Why did I ever believe I was worth dating? So much for fate, I guess… “

Yikes. It’s clear, to me at least, that this isn’t our Emmy talking. It’s her depression from being Bi-Polar talking here. She had several terrible things happen to her in such a short time, that her mental illness has essentially taken over. Selena breaking up with her is sort of the last straw. But I really don’t think it happened because Selena no longer had feelings for Emmy, but because she’s going through a lot right now with her whole family against her. Honestly, being in a relationship with someone who reminds you of being trans was probably too much to handle when you’re being forced back into the closet. I did see this post, and I offered some words of encouragement to Emmy and told her that things get better. It’s something you hear a lot, but I believe it’s true. At least I want to believe it’s true. I don’t know if she ever read it, because I never got a response to that message. 

Thank you for listening to this episode of The Black Box Readings! I hope I didn’t take you on too much of a ride today. Sending my best wishes to anyone who is feeling down right now. Follow me on Twitter at TheCrookedGavel to stay up to date on this and other queer podcasts. Feel free to contact me there as well. This is An Capuano, signing off!

[josephkitchen0]

How to Get Rid of Rats

By Cynthia Smith (Veterinarian in Washington) – I hate rats. I hate the way they dig dirty holes in my nice clean barns. I hate the squishy way the floor feels when there’s a rat tunnel underneath it. I hate the sick feeling I get when I see a rat whisk past my feet as I open the barns in the morning. I hate their furry little brown disease-carrying bodies that make me feel like my backyard chickens are a menace to all the neighborhood and like, any minute, the next Black Death will descend upon the world and all because I just had to raise poultry. My hatred of rats and their presence on my property lead me to search for solutions on how to get rid of rats.

Act 1: The Discovery

I feel like rodents are the dirty little secret of the poultry world. The one thing we hate to discuss or admit to (like having fleas on your dog or cockroaches in your house); acknowledging that you have seen a rat in your barn is like saying you are a bad person — one with really crummy hygiene. My son, Rob, has been well-trained never to say the word in public. (The last thing I want the neighbors to know is that the cute little backyard farm next door might be less than perfect, let alone a potential reservoir of disease.)

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Indeed, when I told Rob I was going to write this article, his first words were: “I hope it’s going to be anonymous!” I didn’t always hate rats. I had the pet white variety as a child and saw them occasionally in my practice as a veterinarian. It was only after I acquired chickens (about eight years ago at the age of 43) that the loathing began.

Our first order of chickens on my son’s birthday arrived in a cheeping little cardboard box from the Murray McMurray hatchery. While they grew inside of a puppy pen in the house, my husband and 8-year-old son labored to build a raccoon-proof coop in the backyard. Feed was stored in the next-door shed (which had an elevated floor).

All went well, as far as we knew, until the following summer when my husband reached to the upper shelves of the shed and pulled down last year’s nylon swimming pool. The blue plastic came down in a heap, along with the rats that had been nesting in it. As furry bodies rained over my husband’s head and shoulders, an impossibly high-pitched shriek emerged from his masculine throat and my son was witness to a burst of profanity the likes of which he had never heard his Christian father utter. “Mommy, Daddy swore!”

After the gnawed plastic and gruesome tale were revealed to me on my arrival home, I began my first foray into the business of extermination and researching how to get rid of rats; not something a veterinarian is particularly well-trained in. My husband proudly brought home electric traps, a tip he’s received when researching how to get rid of rats. They were supposed to give a quick painless death to the rat when it stepped on the plate. Either they didn’t work, or the rats never touched them. Nary a body did we ever see from those expensive devices. Then there were the glue traps. Guess what, the glue isn’t sticky anymore if it gets anything on it, like dust or shavings. Strangely, my coops were not dust-free. Then there were the good old-fashioned oversized mouse traps designed for their rattish cousins. These at least got some action. We found them exploded six to 10 feet from where they were set, but again, both bait and rat-free. I need not even mention the “humane live catch” trap (it was sized for mice anyway, who seem to be a lot dumber than rats). The plan was that mice could get in but not out again, so one was supposed to check the trap daily and humanely release Mickey and Minnie back into the wild. My husband only tried this once. He forgot to check the trap for two weeks, after which there were multiple cannibalized mouse corpses in the trap; the aftermath of a rodent-style Hunger Games and clearly not a humane way to die.

At this point, I felt there was no option except to try poison as a means of how to get rid of rats. All my efforts to employ natural ways to kill mice and rats were unsuccessful. I never wanted to use rat poison. Goodness knows, we see enough dogs and cats poisoned either by the poison itself or by consuming the poisoned animal. Years before we ever had poultry or had thought of using poison, we lost a pet cat to DeCon poisoning.

An excellent mouser, she would bring back just the tails and line them up at night for our admiration. Twice, she must have eaten a poisoned animal. The first time, we pulled her through. The second time, we were too late. So I know the risk of poison to the animals nearby. Unfortunately, I also understand the risk of a rat incursion in a populated area, both to property and to health. Something had to be done.

Intermission: Safe Rat Control Options

A word here must be inserted about what is certainly the most natural and safe of rat-control options: the domestic or farm cat or, perhaps, a rat terrier. People swear by this option for how to get rid of mice. The terrier was right out as, in my experience, dogs that kill rats also really enjoy killing chickens. But what about a cat? I counted. We have had 12 cats in the past 29 years. Of those, three were excellent mousers. Two of three died before they attained late middle age (about eight years), presumably because of their outdoor lifestyle. We are responsible citizens and have our pets spayed and neutered, so frequent replacement was not an option. The two cats who currently reside on my bed would not dream of soiling their precious paws with a filthy rodent. If you have a healthy supply of competent barn cats and are reading this article thinking what a dangerous poison-wielding idiot I am, my hat is off to you.

Act 2: Back to the Rat Story

Let us return to the saga. I contacted our Washington State Poultry Vet at the lab that does necropsies on poultry. If you do not have the access to a brilliant poultry resource like Dr. Roccio Crespo in your state, you have my pity.

Dr. Crespo informed me that I needed to buy little locking plastic boxes that hold the poison tightly confined on stakes. In this way, the rat must eat the poison in the box and cannot carry a chunk away to possibly poison another animal. I bought Tomcat boxes and bait at the local feed store. They were easy to use. The poison disappeared, dead rat bodies appeared and were immediately disposed of. There was no collateral damage in birds or other animals. Whew!

Fast forward to our move from our little house on a small lot to our littler house on a large (1.3-acre lot) a few years later. In the classic reverse market savvy that runs in my unhappy family, the real estate market crashed mere weeks after the papers were signed. Our new house was immediately worth much less than we paid, the mortgage was underwater and our old house unsalable unless at a very great loss. Doggedly, we muscled on as have many ethical Americans in the same situation. Refusing to renege on our word because circumstances had changed, we paid for our now overpriced home and prepared to become landlords as our old house was now vacant. Another rat crisis worsened our situation. When we abruptly removed every bird to our new barn on the new property, the current invisible rats grew and hungered. They went looking for food. They found it in grass seed stored in the garage, in camping food locked away in the attic, in water and food stores stored in plastic 24-hour kits. Before we knew it, we had rats that had moved uptown: highfalutin rodents living high in the attic and sporting top hats and monocles. The traps were again a failure. Once again, we were forced to resort to the poison. It worked, but with a small side effect. These rats did not do us the courtesy of quietly dying in their holes underground.

Noooo, they went to the far reaches of the attic and vents to die. It was summer. Chanel Number Fur permeated the house in several unexpected areas: the master bedroom, the hall closet, and the pantry — open these doors and prepare to run. All searches for their desiccating bodies proved futile. The house was, most certainly, not fit to go on the market. Eight months later, in the depths of winter, eau de rodent being but an unpleasant memory, we could finally begin to make preparations to lease out our money pit.

Act 3: The Return to Chickens

We had by now narrowed our focus to breeding only show varieties of bantam Polish and Araucanas. Some of our old flock remained as pets, along with turkeys, geese, and ducks acquired variously as lawn candy. Most birds were free range on our 1.3 acres, with the show birds confined to covered pens. A locked poison box was kept in each pen and rarely needed emptying. All was well. There are several other people in our neighborhood who keep a few birds, including a lovely next-door family who acquired nice birds and joined our 4-H club.

Suddenly, the rat population swelled. Poison boxes were still full but the Tomcat poison seemed barely nibbled. An experienced friend recommended, “Just One Bite,” a tasty looking poison with embedded grains. The rats loved it. The poison disappeared again and so did the rats. I diplomatically (I hoped) donated poison to my chicken-keeping neighbor. Whew. Back on track.

In 2013, the situation changed yet again. My neighbor went back to school and I offered to place her birds for her. Once the birds were homed, hungry rat hordes moved to the nearest source of food: us. This was the worst ever! On one night I saw six — count ’em, six — rats running around like they owned the place. (And I was taught that, if you see one, there are 10 more you didn’t see.) Neighbors down the street also discovered rat damage under their houses. Exterminators were called. I felt like Typhoid Mary.

The poison boxes were once again loaded and distributed. Chicken feed and water disappeared, but the bait stayed pristine. My friend was again consulted. Take out the feed so they have to eat the poison, she advised. Laboriously, every night we lugged feed out of all six pens, refilled the bait boxes, and lugged feed back out in the early morning before work. Chicken chores were becoming less fun and my teenage son was far less enthralled with his feathered friends. It worked (sort of), as the bait disappeared.

Indeed, we went through 24 pounds of bait, both the Tomcat and the Just One Bite, in the following three months.

However, while the bait was gone, the rats seemed totally unaffected. Fat rats, baby rats, all cavorting with seeming impunity in and among our birds. Then it hit me. Every morning I had to refill, not only the feed, but all the water! Full waterers at night were empty in the morning. My two remaining tired neurons finally made the connection: what did I put in my water? Apple cider vinegar. What does the vinegar contain, among other things? Vitamin K. How does rat poison work? By destroying the body’s vitamin K stores, thus causing them to slowly bleed to death.

Excellent, I’d spent three months administering the antidote along with the toxin. Fine work indeed. The darn poison itself was getting a lot harder to acquire too. The FDA had decided to ban sales of most of the really effective products to regular consumers. My local Del’s feed store and local hardware store no longer carried them. I was forced to pick up the Just One Bite in 8-pound cases from a feed store 120 miles away. I had to sign for it too. This would be OK except that it still wasn’t working well. Now I was carrying birds’ water and feed out every night and every morning, a feat which required I give up an extra 45 minutes of sleep before the work day and stumble around in the dark loaded with water that poured all over my shoes. Oh, I was loving raising chickens, you betcha.

An example of a safety trap, that keeps the rats from dragging poison into places also shared by pets and poultry.

We found a few dead rats, to be sure, and the Just One Bite was disappearing nightly by the pound, but the influx of baby rats playing fearlessly in my show cages convinced me I was still fighting a losing battle. To make matters worse, I had a deadline approaching. Soon I would have abdominal surgery, which would necessitate me turning over all the care of the birds to my son Rob for a while. No way was he going to be able to spend that kind of time lugging feed and water before his 6 a.m. Bible Study and 7:30 a.m. school. What to do?

Several things came to light in my frenzied research on how to get rid of rats that did not involve going back to a life without birds.

1. Visits to the affected neighbors informed me that their exterminators had tracked their rats to a neighborhood sewage drain source. (I was so worried they’d target me!) These people paid premium prices for professional exterminators who did exactly what I’d been doing: Put bait boxes all around the areas and when finished, advise their clients to buy their own boxes and keep them full as further sewage incursions were a certainty. (Whew! I wasn’t going crazy: there were indeed plenty of rats coming in faster than I could kill them.)

2. I discovered that the United Kingdom is experiencing a serious outbreak of poison-resistant rats in their sewage system. While I found no such reference in the U.S., it does not seem a far reach to assume that we, too, have rats that have evolved to be able to eat the stuff with minimal damage.

3. I decided I was quite unwilling to try the newer poisons that do not antagonize vitamin K. These poisons have no antidote whereas, with a $9 bottle of vitamin K given daily for a month, a pet that one presumes may have been poisoned can be saved. (I found my own cat eating a single rat this summer, and considering her incompetence, felt that there was no way she would have caught it unless it was already dying. A pill a day for a month and she lives to purr on my pillow for years to come.

4. There are many variations on the vitamin K antagonizing poisons. The trick, I decided, was to find a poison these rats had never seen before and that was tasty enough to compete with the feed. (We continue to put away the vinegar-enriched water at night, though.)

I found that product in First Strike Soft Bait. These soft packets must be stuck tightly on the stakes so the rats cannot carry them away, but they must taste delicious and we’re finally seeing corpses everywhere, even though we’re leaving the feed in at night. I am confident that, for a while at least, the vermin are in retreat. First Strike uses an ingredient called Difethialone at a concentration of 0.0025 percent.

As I mentioned, a product that I have really liked in the past is Just One Bite, which has the active ingredient, Bromadilone.

The bait stations (locking boxes) that I use are made by Tomcat, the Tomcat poison sold with the trap contains bromethalin and has the added advantage of being waterproof if you need to keep bait stations outside. It does seem to be considerably less palatable than the other two, so rats with a choice of goodies may not go for it.

And that’s it. As you may understand, I have written this article with great trepidation, not wanting to be branded as the chicken breeder with the rat problem. Please be constantly aware that, if you do have to treat with poison boxes, animals may still be at risk if they eat poisoned rats. Keep a sharp watch and immediately dispose of dead or dying rodents. Consult your veterinarian immediately if you suspect your pet has been poisoned, and bring a copy of the package so the doctor may ascertain proper treatment.

A recent visit to two admired breeder’s facilities convinced me that I am not alone in having trials dealing with these pests. I hope that my information may prove helpful, or may at least make you feel smug that you don’t have that disgusting problem or that your cats are competent. (If so, you have my envy.) I have written this article in good faith, hoping to save others some of the trials we have been through. I would prefer not to receive a ton of hate mail from PETA members who adore their little rat friends or from naturalist believers who are sure Diatomaceous Earth and probiotics can cure rats, rickets, rabies and a rainy day.

My wish for you: May the words, “Oh, Rats!” come out of your mouth only when you drop the feed bag on your toe.

What other ideas for how to get rid of rats would you add to this list?

 Originally published in Backyard Poultry June/July 2014 and regularly vetted for accuracy.

How to Get Rid of Rats was originally posted by All About Chickens