#i hate school so fucking much I'm already tired after one week

[one-blaze-of--glory]

boy with little free time wants to do new project. this will result in the death of someone for sure. most likely the boy's.

[infiniteglitterfall]

know someone who enjoys horror stories? share this one! it's true!

hahahahahahahahahaha aarrggghhhhhhhhhh 3,000,000 deaths due to COVID-19 last year. Globally. Three million. Case rates higher than 90% of the rest of the pandemic. The reason people are still worried about COVID is because it has a way of quietly fucking up your body. And the risk is cumulative.

I'm going to say that again: the risk is cumulative.

It's not just that a lot of people get bad long-term effects from it. One in seven or so? Enough that it's kind of the Russian Roulette of diseases. It's also that the more times you get it, the higher that risk becomes. Like if each time you survived Russian Roulette, the empty chamber was removed from the gun entirely. The worst part is that, psychologically, we have the absolute opposite reaction. If we survive something with no ill effects, we assume it's pretty safe. It is really, really hard to override that sense of, "Ok, well, I got it and now I probably have a lot of immunity and also it wasn't that bad." It is not a respiratory disease. Airborne, yes. Respiratory disease, no: not a cold, not a flu, not RSV.

Like measles (or maybe chickenpox?), it starts with respiratory symptoms. And then it moves to other parts of your body. It seems to target the lungs, the digestive system, the heart, and the brain the most.

It also hits the immune system really hard - a lot of people are suddenly more susceptible to completely unrelated viruses. People get brain fog, migraines, forget things they used to know.

(I really, really hate that it can cross the blood-brain barrier. NOTHING SHOULD EVER CROSS THE BLOOD-BRAIN BARRIER IT IS THERE FOR A REASON.) Anecdotal examples of this shit are horrifying. I've seen people talk about coworkers who've had COVID five or more times, and now their work... just often doesn't make sense? They send emails that say things like, "Sorry, I didn't mean Los Angeles, I meant Los Angeles."

Or they insist they've never heard of some project that they were actually in charge of a year or two before.

Or their work is just kind of falling apart, and they don't seem to be aware of it.

People talk about how they don't want to get the person in trouble, so their team just works around it. Or they describe neighbors and relatives who had COVID repeatedly, were nearly hospitalized, talked about how incredibly sick they felt at the time... and now swear they've only had it once and it wasn't bad, they barely even noticed it.

(As someone who lived with severe dissociation for most of my life, this is a genuinely terrifying idea to me. I've already spent my whole life being like, "but what if I told them that already? but what if I did do that? what if that did happen to me and I just don't remember?") One of its known effects in the brain is to increase impulsivity and risk-taking, which is real fucking convenient honestly. What a fantastic fucking mutation. So happy for it on that one. Yes, please make it seem less important to wear a mask and get vaccinated. I'm not screaming internally at all now.

I saw a tweet from someone last year whose family hadn't had COVID yet, who were still masking in public, including school.

She said that her son was no kind of an athlete. Solidly bottom middle of the pack in gym.

And suddenly, this year, he was absolutely blowing past all the other kids who had to run the mile. He wasn't running any faster. His times weren't fantastic or anything. It's just that the rest of the kids were worse than him now. For some reason. I think about that a lot. (Like my incredibly active six-year-old getting a cold, and suddenly developing post-viral asthma that looked like pneumonia.

He went back to school the day before yesterday, after being home for a month and using preventative inhalers for almost week.

He told me that it was GREAT - except that he couldn't run as much at recess, because he immediately got really tired. Like how I went outside with him to do some yard work and felt like my body couldn't figure out how to increase breathing and heart rate.

I wasn't physically out of breath, but I felt like I was out of breath. That COVID feeling people describe, of "I'm not getting enough air." Except that I didn't have that problem when I had COVID.) Some people don't observe any long (or medium) term side effects after they have it.

But researchers have found viral reservoirs of COVID-19 in everyone they've studied who had it.

It just seems to hang out, dormant, for... well, longer than we've had an opportunity to observe it, so far.

(I definitely watched that literal horror movie. I think that's an entire genre. The alien dormant under ice in the Arctic.)

(oh hey I don't like that either!!!!!!!!!) All of which is to explain why we should still care about avoiding it, and how it manages to still cause excess deaths. Measuring excess deaths has been a standard tool in public health for a long time.

We know how many people usually die from all different causes, every year. So we can tell if, for example, deaths from heart disease have gone way up in the past three years, and look for reasons. Those are excess deaths: deaths that, four years ago, would not have happened. During the pandemic, excess death rates have been a really important tool. For all sorts of reasons. Like, sometimes people die from COVID without ever getting tested, and the official cause is listed as something else because nobody knows they had COVID. But also, people are dying from cardiovascular illness much younger now.

People are having strokes and heart attacks younger, and more often, than they did before the pandemic started. COVID causes a lot of problems. And some of those problems kill people. And some of them make it easier for other things to kill us. Lung damage from COVID leading to lungs collapsing, or to pneumonia, or to a pulmonary embolism, for example. The Economist built a machine-learning model with a 95% confidence interval that gauges excess death statistics around the world, to tell them what the true toll of the ongoing COVID pandemic has been so far.

Total excess deaths globally in 2023: Three million.

3,000,000.

Official COVID-19 deaths globally so far: Seven million. 7,000,000. Total excess deaths during COVID so far: Thirty-five point two million. 35,200,000.

Five times as many.

That's bad. I don't like that at all. I'm glad last year was less than a tenth of that. I'm not particularly confident about that continuing, though, because last year we started a period of really high COVID transmission. Case rates higher than 90% of the rest of the pandemic. Here's their data, and charts you can play with, and links to detailed information on how they did all of this:

Here's a non-paywalled link to it:

https://archive.vn/2024.01.26-012536/https://www.economist.com/graphic-detail/coronavirus-excess-deaths-estimates

Oh: here's a link to where you can buy comfy, effective N95 masks in all sizes:

Those ones are about a buck each after shipping - about $30 for a box of 30. They also have sample packs for a dollar, so you can try a couple of different sizes and styles.

You can wear an N95 mask for about 40 total hours before the effectiveness really drops, so that's like a dollar for a week of wear.

They're also family-owned and have cat-shaped masks and I really love them. These ones are cuter and in a much wider range of colors, prints, and styles, but they're also more expensive; they range from $1.80 to $3 for a mask. ($18-$30 for a box of ten.)

[cherry-holmes]

REGRET

Part 1

(Javier Peña x F!Reader)

Credits of the gif on the image.

MAIN MASTERLIST

Summary: Finding out you’re pregnant create a split between you and Javier. He soon will discover that one can regret they own words.

Pairing: Javier Peña x Female Reader

Word count: +3k

Warnings: Writer prefer to not give details to prevent spoilers. Read under your own responsibility.

A/N: Hello👋🏻 This is a little something that came to my mind when a saw this gifs last week🧍🏻‍♀️ Let me know in comments if you like it👀

------------------------------------------------------------

Javier and you have been dating for a year and a half now. It started as something casual. You were just neighbors, then you used to talk about the weather when you crossed paths in the building. Then, he invited you for a drink, and you ended up in his bed.

He told you he was a DEA agent, and you talked about your community service as an English teacher in Bogotá.

Javier was funny and charming. He always treated you like a princess and fucked you like a slut. He was attentive, but he worked a lot. You never seriously talked about what exactly you were, but you spent much more time at his place than yours. He hadn't given you a key, precisely, but he told you he had a copy on top of his door so you could enter when you arrive and he was still at work. He picked you up from the school, and you cut his hair when needed.

Life had been busy, and you never really stopped to ask him if your relationship had a label. The truth is, neither of you had actually stopped and asked each other what would come next when he caught Escobar and/or you finished your community service.

You never thought about it, until that damn morning.

"Fuck."

It can't be happening. Two lines on a pregnancy test were the last thing you needed. You looked at it for a long, long time, trying to process what was going on. You wanted a blood test to confirm, but there's a reason why you already took a pee test. Morning sickness and a delay in your period activated the alarms. You hadn't told Javier anything yet, but it was only a matter of time now.

That afternoon you went to the laboratory, and by noon you received a phone call confirming the results. You were, indeed, very pregnant. After you hung up the phone, you cried a lot. How were you going to tell Javi? What would you do with your job? What were you going to tell your parents? Did you really want to have it... him/her?

You felt the urgency to make a decision in that very moment. Javier was going to ask you when you told him, and you knew he hated the "I don't know."

It took you one, two, three hours, and you had an answer. You knew it was the right one because you thought it would take you a lot longer to decide. But when your heart landed in the same place over and over so quickly, you simply knew it.

Javier came home late at night, but earlier than usual. He looked tired and pissed, and he let his weight fall on the kitchen chair to devour what you had made for dinner. You looked at him the entire time, and the nervousness in your chest made it impossible to eat anything. You wanted to tell him. You couldn't contain the news any longer.

"Javi," you began. He didn't look at you for more than a second before his sleepy eyes fell on his plate again. "I have something to tell you. It's very important."

"What is it, babe?" he asked, his voice slurred.

"I..." You fought the lump in your throat, encouraging yourself to tell him. "I'm pregnant."

Until that moment, you didn't know what you expected. You didn't imagine him crying with emotion and jumping around the apartment, screaming to the four winds that he was going to be a dad. But you didn't imagine what his real reaction would be, either.

Javier didn't even look at you. He dropped his fork, leaned back in his chair, and passed his hands over his face. It wasn't a surprised, emotional reaction. He was pissed. He was cursing the situation.

You didn't say anything as you felt your heart and soul sink into your stomach. Disappointment washed over you as you saw his reaction. You tried to think of something else to say, but you went blank.

"We can't," he finally said, really looking at you for the first time that night.

"What do you mean we can't?" your voice was only a whisper.

He looked at you like you were crazy. "You're not seriously thinking about having it."

Your mouth went dry, but tears welled up in your eyes. "Well... I do."

Javier's face hardened. "It's not safe, not with what I do, not with Escobar still out there."

"We can figure this out together," you said, your voice quivering. "I-I know this country is dangerous and this is probably not the right time, but is already happening and I..."

"Are you sure you're...?" he began. It hurt you the fact that he couldn't even say it.

You stood up and reached for your purse. He saw you as you placed both the pee and the blood test in front of him.

"Puta madre." Javier stood up, pacing the kitchen. "Did you take the pills?" he demanded.

You nodded. "I do. But they're not a hundred percent effective."

He ran his fingers through his hair in an almost desperate gesture. "I can't do this. Parenting is not on my plans, and you know it."

"I didn't want this to happen either, Javier, and I'm sorry," you said, trying not to cry. "But you need to people to make a baby. So, we have to figure this out together."

"Don't complicate things more," he added. He made his way to the living room, pacing like a caged animal. "Think about the consequences. I can't risk my focus on this job for this."

Tears streamed down your face. "So, what? You want me to get rid of it?"

"I think it's the best option for both of us."

After a long, cold moment of silence, you shook your head, stepping back. "I can't believe you."

He sighed heavily, looking away. "You don't understand... it's too dangerous."

"I don't care," you cried. "I'm gonna have this baby. With or without you."

He sighed. He saw the determination on you. Now he needed to make a decision, since you're not going to change yours.

"Ok," he said finally. "It will happen, but you need to go back to the States."

"No," you sentenced. Javier couldn't believe your stubbornness. "I'm not going to leave, either. I can't leave the school. Those kids need my help."

He was doing his best to not completely lost his patience and say something (more) that he could – and will – regret.

"I can't concentrate on my job and take care of a pregnant woman," he sentenced, adding your name at the end in a way you had never heard before.

You took a deep breath, trying to steady your voice. "Well, then don't worry about me. I can handle this on my own."

Javier stared at you, his eyes dark with frustration. He thought of his parents. They didn't raise a man who shirks responsibility, one who doesn't own the consequences of his actions.

For a long moment, the only sound was the ticking of the clock on the kitchen wall. Finally, Javier sighed deeply, his shoulders slumping in defeat.

"No," he said. "If that's what you want, fine. You'll have my financial support, but that's all. As soon as you finish your community service, you'll go back home. I'll send you money, that's it."

"I don't want anything from you, Javier. Not if you're not going to do it with real love," you whispered, heartbroken.

Javier's jaw tightened, but he didn't argue. He turned away, staring at the wall, his hands clenched into fists.

He looked down, unable to meet your gaze. "I never saw myself as a dad. I don't think I ever will," he admitted. "That's all I can offer. I'm sorry it's not what you expected. I'm sorry I can't be the man you need."

------------------------------------------------------------

Days turned into weeks, and your relationship with Javier seemed to be stuck in a constant struggle of awkward interactions and avoiding each other. He started working even later, and sometimes he didn't even spend the night at the apartment. He came back the next morning smelling like whiskey and cigarettes. When he did sleep at home, he took the couch while you slept on his bed. When you woke up in the morning, he wasn't there.

Both of you finally reached an agreement. You recognized that you needed his help, and he was aware that he had to be responsible for the situation. You moved in with Javier so you wouldn't have to waste money paying rent. Moreover, you would return to the US when you were seven months pregnant. He would conclude his duty in Colombia however long it took. Neither of you wanted to talk about what would happen then.

Your belly was now thirteen weeks along. Soon, Javier found his place filled with baby stuff. Every day he discovered something new you had bought: tiny clothes, maternity clothing, maternity books. His bathroom smelled like the body cream you used to apply on your belly, and there was a list of pregnancy-friendly foods hung on the refrigerator. He could tell you were putting your heart into preparing for the baby, and at times he felt guilty for not being able to find his own paternal instinct.

On the contrary, you were caught in a fragile rhythm. He continued his dangerous work, and you dedicated yourself to your work at school.

Nights were still lonely, but at least you had your baby. You talked and sang to them. You applied anti-stretch mark creams to your belly, and read everything about babies and labor. You were excited to meet your baby boy or girl, but sadly, at the same time, you felt heartbroken because you loved Javier, and you wished he was more present during the process. However, you had to accept that it wasn't mutual. He didn't love you; he never truly did and probably never would. He just liked to fuck. You should have known it before. Maybe you did, but you were so in love with him that you thought you could change him. Either way, it was too late now.

Javier gave you more money than you needed to cover everything you needed. He never said no when you told him you needed medicine, to pay for a doctor's appointment, or special food that didn't provoke nausea.

But he never went to those appointments with you. He never asked how they went, either. He never showed any interest in the progress of your pregnancy. It was as if he had completely detached himself from the situation, leaving you to navigate the journey alone.

Or at least, that was how you saw it. The truth was, Javier was having a difficult time processing the fact that he would be a father. He had never seen himself getting married, let alone having children.

Furthermore, there was something terrifying about having a baby in Colombia during the war he was fighting. He had witnessed men fall, leaving widows and orphans behind.

He realized that he was more scared of leaving you and his child alone in this chaotic and unfair world if something happened to him. Or worse, he feared that you have to pay for his sins and mistakes. He couldn't bear the thought of that, and he often had nightmares about losing you both.

He didn't know how to express his feelings for you. He couldn't let himself relax and just settle into the nest with you.

One of those nights, when he decided to come home earlier after work, he found you sleeping in bed. You had an open book beside you on a page about what to expect during the second trimester. You had fallen asleep in an awkward position, so he had to gently wake you up to help you move into a more comfortable one. You mumbled in your sleep, calling his name softly and sweetly. Javier felt warmth in his chest, a need to cuddle with you, touch your belly for the first time, and hold you and the baby close.

But he just couldn't do it. He didn't know why, but he couldn't. He limited himself to tucking you in with a warm blanket and opening the window for fresh air, as you liked it. He went to the kitchen, filled a glass with water, and put it on your nightstand because he knew you got thirsty in the middle of the night.

Javier observed you for a moment, peacefully sleeping, carrying his baby. He missed your soft lips and your fingers in his hair. He missed making you laugh and talking to you about each other's days. And now, he longed to make things right and try to win your heart back.

Tomorrow, he said. Turning down the lights, he went to his place on the couch.

But tomorrow was too late.

------------------------------------------------------------

He left early in the morning to attend an emergency meeting at the Embassy. Steve spend all morning complaining about Messina and the tie-and-suit motherfuckers, but Javier's thoughts were on you.

He was lost on his own thoughts, trying to find the right words to tell you. He was still scared, but he was determined to try. To make it work.

He was on his desk, a report on his hands but he wasn't reading it, when his landline rang.

"Peña," he picked up.

"Is this Javier?" a woman's voice asked urgently.

"Who's this?"

"This is María from the school," she said. He immediately knew something was wrong. He barely remembered María, you had presented each other last year on your birthday.

"There's been an emergency," she continued explaining, anguish filling her voice. "She's been taken to the hospital."

Javier's heart dropped. "Is she okay?"

"She collapsed in class. They think it might be related to her pregnancy. You need to get to the hospital as soon as you can."

Javier didn't waste a second. He grabbed his jacket and bolted out of the Embassy, ignoring Steve's confused shouts. The drive to the hospital was a blur, his mind racing with fear.

What happened? You were fine last night... Didn't you? He felt a pang of guilt. What if you didn't felt well but you didn't say anything because you thought he would be mad? Fuck... He should be more available for you. You should trust him.

When he finally arrived at the hospital, he rushed to the reception desk, asking for your name. The nurse nodded and directed him to the emergency room. His heart pounded as he approached the doors, dread settling in his stomach.

He found you lying on a hospital bed, pale and hooked up to monitors. The doctor was speaking to a nurse nearby. Javier's throat tightened as he stepped closer.

The doctor noticed him and approached. "Are you related?"

"Yes, how is she?" Javier asked, his voice shaky.

The doctor sighed. "I'm sorry to inform you, but she lost the baby. There was nothing we could do. It was a miscarriage."

Javier felt like the ground had been ripped out from under him. He looked at your unconscious form, tears welling up in his eyes. "Can I see her?"

"Of course, but she's sleeping right now," the doctor said gently. "She's stable now, but you had to sedate her. This has been very traumatic for her."

Javier nodded and moved to your bedside. He took your hand in his, feeling the weight of his own failures crashing down on him. He had failed to protect you, to be there when you needed him the most.

Hours passed as he sat by your side, holding your hand and watching you sleep. When you finally stirred and opened your eyes, he was there. His eyes were teary, reddened from his contained emotions.

"Hey," he whispered, placing a strand of hair behind your ear. "I'm here," he said, squeezing your hand. "I'm so sorry. I should have been there. I should have done more."

You closed your eyes, tears slipping down your cheeks. "I lost my baby." Your voice was barely a whisper, little sobs escaping your lips. You were still in a haze of sedatives and mourning.

Javier nodded, his heart breaking at the pain in your voice. "I know. I'm so, so sorry."

"No, you don't," you said, hurt and anger painting your weak voice. "You didn't want my baby."

"I was scared," he confessed, his voice cracking. "I didn't know how to handle any of this. But I never wanted this to happen. I never wanted to lose our baby."

You shook your head, tears streaming like rivers down your cheeks. The gaze you gave him was filled with anger and resentment, piercing through his chest.

"Fuck you," you cried.

Javier flinched as if you had struck him. He looked away, unable to bear the intensity of your anger and sorrow.

"I'm sorry," he whispered again, his voice barely audible.

"You never be there for us, so don't come and say you're sorry," your words melted into an unstoppable crying. You felt like if your heart would literally broke into a million pieces. Grief and exhaustion weighing heavily on you, you felt an overwhelming sense of emptiness.

"I know I can't make this right. I know I failed you. But please, let me be here for you now," he pleaded, but there was nothing he could say to soothe your unbearable pain.

"You're a piece of shit, Javier," you spat, your voice trembling with anger and grief. "I don't want to see you ever again."

You turned away from him, your tears flowing freely.

He lingered for a moment, hoping for some sign of forgiveness, but when none came, he slowly left the room, closing the door behind him.

He stood in the hallway, leaning against the wall, feeling the crushing weight of his failures. He had lost not only his child but also the trust and love of the woman who meant more to him than he had ever admitted.

Part 2

[xxsp3llb0undxx]

The Pack Imprint

Fem!Reader x Uley Pack {2.9k}

Requested - Unknown

DO NOT POST MY WORK TO OTHER SITES OR CLAIM AS YOUR OWN. I DO NOT OWN THE CHARACTERS OF TWILIGHT.

Summary: Reader is Bella Swan's neighbour, having lived beside the Swan's her whole life. The once close pair, now hate each other all because of the group of shifters that reside in the rainy state of Forks, Washington.

WARNINGS: BELLA SLANDER // SWEARING // NOT PROOF READ

Forks, Washington - February 19th 2005

It had been a month since Bella came back to town, she was the centre of the school gossip, everyone trying to either be her friend or get a date with her. All but one person - Y/n L/n. Bella and Y/n grew up together, they were childhood friends along side Jacob Black. But after her parents divorced and she went to live with her mom, Bella had grown distant with the young girl she once saw as a sister. Two letters a week turned into one a month, which then turned into nothing. Y/n was heartbroken, her best friend had up and left. Jacob tried to be around more often but with school on the res and his dad nagging at him to help around the house, he couldn't fit Y/n into his schedule. Which in turn, made the pair grown apart from each other as well. That was until she came back.

The last month in Forks had been hell. Everywhere Y/n went, whispers about the Swan girl being back was all she heard. Every time she would enter through the school door the chatter about her once best friend would swarm through the halls, Y/n had enough. She was sick and tired of always hearing about her, Bella this and Bella that - it was giving her a headache. Jessica and Angela had gave Y/n's seat at the lunch table away to Bella, that was until she started sitting with the Cullens. It was infuriating, she's been back a month and she's already pining after the only Cullen available, it was pathetic. Bella was like a plague coming to ruin Y/n's life all over again, but she wouldn't allow it to affect her.

When lunch came around, Y/n found an empty table near the back of the cafeteria. Jessica and Angela tried to invite her back to their table but all they were met with was Y/n's middle finger held up in front of their faces, the two girls turned and walked away but not without Jessica muttering a not so quiet 'bitch' under her breath. Y/n had enough of Jessica's shit; the sly things she'd say about everyone, how she would point out peoples insecurities and worst of all - how she victimised herself all the goddamn time. Y/n had got up out of her seat, the screech from the metal legs dragging against the floor grabbed the attention of everyone in the cafeteria. "Hey Jess?" Before the girl could respond, Y/n had grabbed a handful of her hair and yanked her back - the scream she let out was loud, almost deafening the Cullens; who were on the other side of the cafeteria. "Don't you ever call me a bitch again, do you hear me? I'm sick and tired of your bullshit. You just never learn to fucking shut up." With that said, Y/n had let go of her and walked out the double doors leading into the parking lot of the school.

The Cullens had watched the whole thing unfold, Bella clinging onto Edward's arm saying she was scared. Emmett had the biggest grin on his face, he was enjoying himself too much, quiet little Y/n had turned out to be a badass and Emmett loved it. Rose had to stop her mate from joining in, a firm grip on his bicep - enough to hurt anyone that wasn't a vampire. Alice, knowing what would happen, had excused herself before the fight broke out. She wanted to see if Y/n was alright, so the pixie like vampire had decided to wait beside Y/n's car, hoping she would show up soon. But she didn't, at least not for awhile. Alice had gotten tired of waiting, she turned to leave when she heard the car door behind her shut with a soft click. Before she could do anything, the car had reversed and turned out the parking lot - heading as far away from the gates of Forks Highschool.

March 5th 2005

It had been at least a week since the whole incident between Y/n and Jessica. No one had seen or heard off Y/n, people had started to spread rumours around saying she was expelled or she had ran away after what she had done but none of it was true, only no one would really know the truth at least not yet. Bella had rang Jacob after it had turned into two weeks of not seeing Y/n, at first the young wolf sounded unfazed, like he didn't care but in truth, it was all an act. He knew about what had happened, he heard it straight from the horses mouth the day it all occurred. Y/n had drove all the way to Jacob's house, he was in the garage when he head the screech of tires pulling up in front of his house. He had poked his head out the garage door to see who it was, not really in the mood for anyone to come rushing into his house when he was busy. The sight of a distraught Y/n had panicked the poor boy, he rushed over to her scanning her body for any signs of injury but he turned up with nothing. Y/n was on the verge of tears, he could hear her heart hammering in her chest. Jacob brought her in to his arms, the warmth radiating off of him helped calm the girl down a little though she was still shaking.

Y/n had brought Jacob up to date with what had happened, he was proud of her for finally standing up to Jessica but he was also upset that it had to get to this point for Y/n to finally step up and confront her about it. Y/n had stayed with Jacob and his dad for the last couple weeks, begging them to not send her back there. A couple weeks had then turned into a month, Jacob had started to ignore everyone and started to hang out with Sam Uley and his little pack of mutts. Y/n wasn't having it, she was sick and tired of waiting for Jacob to come home but he never did, no matter how many times Y/n had asked Billy where Jacob had disappeared to he never told her. She waited for as long as she could until it was too much, she had trekked all the way over to Sam's place; her hands clenched and face red hot with anger. She was going to get her answers one way or another.

When Y/n had made it to Sam's house, Bella just so happened to be there too. Her fiery orange truck parked in the drive. There was a indescribable feeling in the pit of Y/n's stomach, a mixture between anxiety and full blown hatred. She stomped her way over to the group, Sam was telling Bella to leave but she wasn't having any of it, like always. Paul was the first to notice Y/n, her h/l h/c whipping around with the wind. Before he could tell Sam she was here, Bella had shouted at him. "What did you do to him? He didn't want this. He just up and left without telling me anything because he's scared of you." Paul had laughed at Bella, Jacob wasn't scared of anyone and yet she still thought that. Paul was calm until Bella had gone and slapped him across the face, she clutched her hand to her chest, it was surely broken after that hit. Paul had started to shake violently, Sam had pushed Bella back telling her to back away whilst simultaneously trying to get Paul to calm down. Y/n had the dumbest idea ever, we all must admit she's not the smartest. She had slowly started to step towards Paul right as he had shifted.

Bella's screaming could be heard but that didn't bother Y/n, what did though was the huge dark silver furred wolf right in front of her. It's teeth bared, snarling at her. Though, she felt no fear. Her hand slowly reached up and gently lay upon it's muzzle. The wolf huffed, he wasn't entirely trusting the girl in front of him but he also felt no fear towards her. He looked into her e/c and everything stilled. The noise around him had calmed, all he could focus on was her. Paul felt like the centre of the earth had shifted, like he was finally where he was meant to be. Before he knew it, he had shifted back. Y/n's body flush against his own, protecting him from the eyes around them. Soon enough, a blanket had been given to him to cover up until he was able to make it back to the house and put a new set of clothes on. Paul was confused, how was he able to imprint on Y/n when he had already imprinted on Rachel, Jacob's sister?

After the events of earlier today, Bella had told Jacob to never speak to her again and she left, just like that. Jacob was sat on the steps of Sam's porch, he just wanted to be alone but he knew that was impossible. Jacob felt a shift of weight beside him, he turned his head and saw Y/n wrapped up in one of Emily's blankets, she must've given Y/n the blanket to stay warm. Jacob threw his arm over the smaller girl, the warm his body provided her, soothed the chill that made a home in her bones. "You know, Bella doesn't deserve you Jake. You're too good for her." They both sat there in silence for awhile, the soft chime of the trees rustling in the wind settling in to the comfortable silence around them. The door to Sam's house opened, revealing the older male. "Come inside, we're having a pack meeting." The pair looked at each other before Jacob got up and walked inside, leaving Y/n to sit on her own to watch the trees dance around in the soft breeze.

Inside Sam's house, the pack was all sat around in his living room. Embry, Paul, Jared and Quil were sat on the sofa, Leah and Seth took up the two arm chairs while Sam and Jacob were stood; everyone waiting for Sam to start the meeting. "We all witnessed what happened between Paul and Y/n earlier, Paul imprinted for the second time. What we need to figure out is why that happened." All eyes were on Paul, he felt smug about having two imprintee's but it felt wrong, as if he were betraying Rachel. The meeting had gone on for the last hour, the pack had decided to try and see if they would all imprint or if it was only Paul to be lucky enough to have two imprintee's. The pack had left the house, Y/n completely unaware of what was about to happen. Jacob held his hand out to Y/n, pulling her up on her feet and leading her over to the small field where Paul had initially shifted. "I need you to be as calm as possible, okay? We need to see if what happened to Paul earlier will happen to all of us, I promise I will explain it all later." Y/n only nodded her head, giving Jacob the all clear.

The pack had lined up beside each other, Paul was the first to shift. He felt all the feelings from earlier flood back, his heart pounded as he stepped closer to Y/n. She reached out to run her fingers through this fur, earning a soft grunt from the silver wolf. Next was Embry, he was scared to look up at Y/n, he felt sick to his stomach; what if he didn't imprint? Y/n took careful steps to Embry, his fur was gray with black spots; he was slightly smaller than Paul. Y/n crouched down to be eye level with the gray wolf, his eye's locked with hers and it was like his whole body was set alight. Slight tingles coursed through his bones, he felt complete. Embry nuzzled into Y/n, small giggles erupted from the girl, the sound was like wind chimes clashing together. Embry left with Paul to shift back and change back into their clothes. Quil and Jared were next, Quil's wolf had chocolate brown fur while Jared had light brown fur with black markings around his eyes. The pair had imprinted instantly, their tails wagging behind them as they accepted the affection off their imprintee. Seth had imprinted fairly easy, though he was still scared. The sandy brown furred wolf cowered at the attention of his imprint, too overwhelmed by the feelings bubbling inside him. The young wolf left as quickly as possible, wanting to shift back and put this behind him for now.

Leah imprinted soon after Seth, she finally knew what it was like to have someone meant for her. The tingling coursing through her body was welcomed, Leah stayed beside Y/n refusing to leave the girls side. She would not leave her imprint, not now - not ever. Jacob and Sam were the only ones left, they had decided to shift at the same time, afraid of being rejected. Sam was a black furred wolf, he was like a shadow while Jacob was a rusty brown colour, almost like Seth. Sam was the first to look up at Y/n, her e/c stared straight back at him. His heart was pounding in his ears, he didn't feel anything at first. He knew what it was like to imprint and yet, he felt nothing. Sam was about to give up and just walk away, until Y/n sat in front of him and ran her fingers through his fur, an electric shot went straight though him. Images flashed behind his eyes, growing old with her, having a family of their own, loving her till his very last breath. Sam now had two imprintee's, what was he going to tell Emily? The black furred wolf walked off towards the house, his ears pinned against his head.

Jacob still had his head pointed down, his eyes trained on the dirt under his paws. "Jake? Look at me, please." Her voice was soft, almost a whisper. Jacob listed his head, his pupils blew as images of them laughing together, cooking dinner together, messing around with the pack flashed before his eyes. It was like his ears were flooded with water, he knew he would do anything, be anything for her. His whole world was centred around Y/n and what their life would be like together. A blanket of warmth wrapped itself around his heart, he felt content knowing his best friend would be his forever.

Once everyone had shifted back and back in their clothes, they had all settled in to the living room. Y/n sat on the sofa, squished between Jacob and Leah, while Seth sat in front of her on the floor; his back pressed against her legs. Paul and Jared were fighting over what to watch, while Quil and Embry made popcorn for everyone. Sam was the only one missing, he was sat in his shared bedroom with Emily. They were arguing, everyone could hear it. "Is it my fault? Them fighting, I mean." Y/n felt guilty, she didn't want to tear apart Sam's relationship, she would gladly show herself out if it wasn't for Jacob and Leah physically holding her in place. Paul was the first to say anything, he had crouched in front of the sofa, his hand linked with hers. "Hey.. it's not your fault doll face, no one could've seen this happening. You are our imprint, you are what matters the most to us, it could never be your fault, okay?" Paul kissed Y/n's knuckles, his lips ever so lightly grazing her skin. She sniffled slightly as she nodded her head. Y/n couldn't have been more happy to have the pack, she finally felt loved and included for once. The rest of the night consisted of watching random movies and eating too much junk, Y/n had passed out on Leah's shoulder after the second movie had started. She was soon followed by the rest of the pack, all spread out in the living room. Seth cuddling into Y/n's leg, Jacob flung half on Y/n while Leah was now hanging off the sofa, Paul laying beside Seth on the floor; his head on Seth's arm. Jared and Embry passed out on the arm chairs, their bodies thrown across them like they were dolls tossed to the side. Quil was the only normal one out the bunch, he was cuddled into a blanket away from everyone else, a pillow under his head as he snored.

Y/n had made a family for life, she would not give this up for anything.

[hrrtshape]

haiii emmaaaaa, how've you been? Hope you fine :333

I want help with something, it's more like... emotional LMAO, but istg you're the one I can trust the most for this, sooo well...

okay, I haven't shifted yet, and I love my s/o so much, like very very very much, I would kill for him, and yk that's okay, I mean, it's love after all. But, I've been scared of NEVER being able to see him, like shift. I've been actually feeling so sad abt that, I started to cry almost every night whenever I don't shift or when I want to see him. Cause I have a kind of problem... I've manifested meeting a boy at school in the first day of school (March 10) and it manifested, at first I was very happy, but then I realised something: Maybe I can completely forget about my s/o, cause I can't love two persons at once. It happened to me last year when I fell for a boy of my school, and that shit scared me for life. (Hopefully he rejected me, he was kinda cringe) And the thing is that I'm pressured to shift before March 10 cause otherwise I'm almost 100% sure I'll forget my s/o and probably shifting too js cause I will fall for him. AND I DONT WANT THAT, LIKE PLS NO, NEVER (well, I would like falling in love, but not forgetting my s/o or shifting). I tried to enter void state to shift and also manifest stuff but I didn't reach it still, also I tried other stuff but somehow I still didn't. The most close I've been to shift was in the start of 2024, it's been a fucking year. A WHOLE YEAR. I still believe in shifting but I've been getting so much doubts, a lot. And that scared me and provoked me to think that I'll never shift and I'll never see my s/o. I know I have time, I know I'll do it, but that shitty doubts live in my mind like toxic worms, and I hate that. I've been SO sad about the thing of never meeting my s/o or shifting, that I think I may be in a kind of depression or almost, some weeks ago I wanted to leave. And I talked with my mom abt this (not the shifting thing, but my feelings) and she said she's gonna try to get me a phsicologist or smtg. But I don't feel like this is the kind of stuff to talk about with someone who probably won't believe in shifting. Also I feel like you're my shifting sister and my safe place for this stuff, so tysm for always answering <3

And well, I think that's all. I'm tired of this feeling, and I don't know when I'm gonna see him, but I need it cause it's literally killing me. Please, if you have any recommendations or any other way of helping, I would be sososososo glad and thankful. Of course I won't oblige you or smtg, it's okay if you don't answer :3

Anyways, wish you a good day Emma!! baiii <33

(also sorry if stmg I wrote is wrong, english it's not my native language :c)

come here and let me wrap you in the softest, silkiest energy rn. your english is perfect and your heart is so big i can feel it through the screen.

i know this kind of love !!!! i do !!! it’s the kind that feels like it stretches across lifetimes, like it’s written into your bones. and the fear of losing it, of it slipping away from the thing that feels like home? i get it. i do !!! but listen to me, really listen!!! love like that doesn’t disappear. it doesn’t get replaced. you are not a machine with only one save slot for love. you are an entire universe, vast and infinite, and there is room for everything you care about. even if you develop feelings for someone in your cr, that doesn’t mean your love for your s/o stops existing. you don’t forget the moon just because the sun is shining.

shifting will happen for you. not because you’re racing against time, not because you’re scared, but because it’s already yours. doubts are normal. they don’t mean anything except that you care. and caring is not a weakness. it’s proof of how real this is to you. try to let go of the pressure. march 10 is a day like any other, the universe isn’t clocking you in like a shift supervisor. it’s just waiting for you to relax into what’s already meant for you.

and i’m really, really glad you talked to your mom about how you’re feeling. even if you don’t bring up shifting with a psychologist, having someone to talk to about the weight of all this could be really good for you. you deserve to feel okay. you deserve to feel safe.

you are not alone in this. take care of yourself, lovelie, and trust that you are on the right path. shifting isn’t going anywhere. neither is your love. neither am i !!!

[aemmawrites]

I hate that I Love you

wc. 945 tw. toxic amber, cussing pairing- Amber freeman x reader

Ever since you were younger you had a certain way you liked to do things.

You liked to have everything organized and structured. But as you learned life always comes with obstacles. Obstacles, you’ve learned, are inevitable.

Just like the obstacle laying beside you.

Amber freeman.

To say you were a perfectionist was an understatement, you had the same routine you stuck to every morning. Wake up, get ready for school, cheerleading practice, homework, get ready for bed, sleep.

Repeat.

Everything was perfect, and then a disruption in your routine happened. Wakeup, get ready for school, bump into Amber Freeman on the way to cheer practice, regret your life choices, homework, get ready for bed, sleep.

Amber was a character for sure, she was bad for you, and you knew that, even now as you sat in her bed, relaxed with your head in her lap while she watched the stab movies for the third time this week.

One year.

You guys have been together for one whole year. And you’ve never felt worse. Crying yourself to sleep at night when she accused you of cheating, arguing over stupid things such as your skirt being a little too short, silent treatment for weeks until you admitted you were wrong even when you weren’t, somehow making you feel like without her you could do nothing, you would be nothing.

You suppose it was your fault as amber would say, “you knew how I was when you first agreed to date me, so what's the problem now”

flashback

You were late.

Of course, as you realized you were going to have extra laps at practice for being late, you started to speed walk down the hallways, not paying attention, you bumped into one accidentally tripping and bringing them down with you. Frantically you looked up to see who you rushed in to and immediately apologized. “I'm so sorry, I wasn’t paying attention and I-”

“Shut up” was all she said, glaring at you making you look down in embarrassment.

“I don't need an apology, I need you to watch where you're going”, she looked up and paused, analyzing the girl in front of her. You both looked at each other as if waiting for eachothers next move. You made a move to leave and get out of the awkward situation before she stepped in front of you and said “wait.”

And then it all went downhill from their

now

“Are you even paying attention?” Amber whispered as if not to scare you. You looked up at her before responding, “yeah im just tired, also we’ve seen this movie 10 times already, this month,” Amber rolled her eyes, getting ready to rant about how the stab franchise is worth rewatching, you sighed.

You moved your head off her lap and onto the pillow next to her. “I'm going to sleep” is all you could say before Amber started a new argument with you.

Again.

Amber looked over at you  with a frown, “so your tired now, but not when that Olivia girl was talking to you, you seem so energized, but now your tired.”

One moment of peace was all you wanted, you turned to face amber before saying. “Amber, me and Olivia are on the cheer team together, where friends, and friends talk. Also it’s 3am and we have been watching movies for the past 6 hours, I'm tired.” You tried to reason.

Amber quickly responded with “you can either stay up with me and watch movies, or spend the night with Olivia since you seem to like her so much.”

You snapped, this wasn’t that big of a deal based on things Amber has done to you in the past, but it was like everything that had ever made you mad, upset, and sad came to the top. “Amber, my life doesn’t revolve around you and you honestly need to get over yourself!”

Silence.

Amber's eyes widened as if it was crazy that you would talk back to her, so she did what she did best, hurt you. “How can you say that, after all I have done for you, when we first met you were just some weird loner with no friends, I made you who you are, your nothing without me”

“Fuck you Amber, i'm leaving” here you were trying your best and it was never enough for her, you started to get dress as you felt hands wrap around your waist. And just like that happy Amber was back.

Amber smiled at you as if to make the situation better. “I'm sorry, you know how I get, you know I didn’t mean it, please stay,” as much as you wanted to relax into her touch you knew better, so you ignored her and put your shoes on.

“Are you really going to walk home at three in the morning, that's not safe” Amber smiled as she nodded her head to the window, and just now you noticed how dark it was. Weighing your options, you sighed and went to make a move to go outside. She quickly grabbed your wrist before saying “don’t be stupid it’s not safe, stay here, where I can protect you, where I can hold you, you just said you were tired, let's go to sleep.”

Before you could say anything she started pushing you back towards her bed, using her strength to keep you from trying to leave. You tried to leave, you really did but you were tired, it was scary outside, and the way Amber was looking at you right now made your heart melt. So you sighed as she tried to coax you to come back to her bed, you relented, you gave up, and just like that you were back in her arms, back in her bed.

Again.

This was the part in your routine where you regret your life choices.

[mar3ggiata]

professional help, c9. Reign of Terror.

simon riley x original character.

trigger warnings: violence, sexual assault, mentions of rape, trauma, sexual themes, swearing, use of alcohol and drugs.

song to listen to when reading this: Cool about it, boygenious

abstract: listen, I don't even want to hear it. yes, it's Simon. I told you already, I'm gathering intel during this part. don't think too hard about it, this doesn't mean anything. and yes, I think she was telling the truth. I follow my instincts and they only failed me once or twice…

When the routine settled back in, she felt like the Al-Jareena mission was a thing of the past. A week had gone by, she had no news about the mission. Or Arash. She was snapping her fingers following the rhythm of the music. 'And one, two, balancé!' She watched as the girls rehearsed in front of her, moving in pairs, one from each side of the room. They had been going on and on for an hour, the poor girls were exhausted. 'Okay, from here, piquè', she had been demonstrating everything, trying to remember her notes and the changes she had to make to the original choreography. Her blue leotard was sticking on her skin, she could feel sweat dripping down her back and in between her breasts. Her bun was starting to come untied, she kept fixing some shorter hair behind her ears. 'I don't want to see those stiff hands Jenny, please', she resumed, 'piquè, finish on your right leg. Sam and Gemma, you're going to go stage left with two saut de basque'. She stopped talking to demonstrate the jump, which was quite difficult, she had to admit. 'You finish on relevè, arms in fifth position, then repeat to the other side'. She was too old for all this activity, (Jude is delusional, she's 26). She had to catch her breath without letting the girls know she was getting tired. 'Then, Kyla, Cassie and Luna, same thing to the right as soon as the first two finish jumping, same thing to the left with group three.' She instructed and approached the mirrors in the front of the room. 'Let's see it, please'.

She packed her bag while the girls said bye to her. God, did she love being called 'Miss Alba'. She put on sweats, lifting them up over her legs without bothering to remove the pink tights she hated so much. She preferred black ones, they concealed stretch marks, cellulite… See, if the school was hers, she would let her ballerinas pick the colour they wanted. She could see during the lessons some of them were self conscious about their bodies, like she had been for years when she was younger. The way they looked at each other in the mirrors, like they were comparing themselves to the others. Some were thinner, some had bigger bums, bigger breasts, some had more muscle, some you could see their whole ribcage sticking out. School policy, black leotard and pink thighs. They were too young. But still, even Alba herself had some serious issues with her figure, demonstrating in front of everyone was challenging and took a tool on her mental health sometimes. She knew she was fit, don't get me wrong, she had worked fucking hard for years to get to where she was. Strong, lean quads, a good set of abs. She had followed every diet in the world, she learned so much about what foods not to eat, how to get the perfect body… How to be slim and toned and have fat in the right places. She gained back weight after the 'bad year' when she didn't work and decided she was not gonna feed herself anymore. Cooking was just too much back then, she spent hours going on walks with headphones in, on the verge of passing out. She was better now, she only had those thoughts every now and then. They were under control, she was healthy. Let me tell you, her legs, arms, her hips, a fucking work of art. Still, being watched by those young girls who probably spent way too much worrying about their weight and having to be the representation of perfection was daunting. Keep your abs thigh, your foot straight, your hips aligned. Hide how painful it is, hide the fact your calf is cramping and you're losing balance. A game of pretend.

When she got to work the next day, she was surprised to see a special someone waiting for her beside her door. No fucking way. She stopped in her tracks when he saw him, bag hanging from her shoulder, boots clicking on the floor. What are you doing here, how do you know this is my office? Did you ask around? Are you following me? She approached him and he took a step towards her. He had a blue jacket on, no skull mask today, simple black one. She could finally see his hair colour, dirty blonde. He needed a trim. 'Can I help you?' she said. Well well well. 'Not really' he replied, crossing his arms against his chest. He was tall, he was scarily tall. She had to tilt her head to look at him. That position made his arms look even bigger. She no problem admitting how good looking he was. 'Am I in trouble?' she asked tilting her head to the side. His mask moved slightly, but his eyes didn't exactly show a particular emotion. Was he smiling or about to punch her, she didn't know. She had always loved risks. 'You're not' he answered. He wasn't in the mood for jokes maybe. Noted.

She nodded and took a step towards the office door unlocking it and getting in, supposing he would follow. Being in there made her feel slightly more secure. It was a place where she normally had some authority. Not with him she didn't. He closed the door behind him as she put her bag on the desk. The office had two big windows which let in few shy rays of sunshine. She had a couch with a few pillows for the patients and a chair for her. She looked at him and indicated the couch, as to say 'sit'. He really didn't want to. He felt like a patient. He went to therapy before, he just didn't want to be her patient. He stood there in the middle of the room watching Jude take off her coat and hang it on the chair. She wore jeans today. Tight jeans and a jumper. He could see her boots clearer now, they were shiny and the tip of the shoe was round. They looked from the 80's. She had cream coloured socks. She looked younger dressed like that. She looked less professional and more… a civilian, a normal 23 year old girl. He had settled that was her age. Her hair loose, her casual outfit, she looked ready for a walk in the park. He wondered if she walked in the park with her dog. She looked like she had a normal job, like waitressing or maybe she was a painter or a student. She looked like she could go to the movies dressed like that, or play bowling. She looked like she was about to sit down, take her shoes off, get comfortable and tell him about her day, talk about nothing for hours without ever boring him.

She finally spoke, sitting down in her leather chair. 'Why are you here?' she asked, her hands on her thighs. 'You can sit if you want', she added. He still wouldn't move. 'I wanted to apologise for asking about last year, I realised it might be a sensitive topic'. His voice was low and soothing, his British accent heavy on every word. She didn't expect that. That was very considerate of him, the 6 foot soldier standing in the middle of her office like the representation of death that comes knocking at your door. What a strange thing to say man, did you hear stories? Did you hear your friends say I faked it? Cause I know they're saying it. 'Thanks', she said softly, a tone she had never used with him. She tried not to get triggered by his words, not to let her mind wonder back to the event he was referring to. She had to fight hard to not let her brain spiral, a fight against herself. She always seemed to lose. 'It's just something really bad, I don't like to think about it more than I already do', she explained. His eyes were fixated on her like she was a wild animal about to go extinct. He nodded and silence filled the room.

'How did the mission go?' She asked even if she already knew the answer. She was just making conversation. He didn't want to stay too much. He thought about seeing her, he thought about talking to her again and now that she was there, now that he purposely went to her office to talk, he wanted to run. 'Good. Good, yeah, thanks to you, actually'. He finally sat down. That was what patients saw then. The desk behind her, the windows and her, on the leather chair. He tried to imagine her during sessions. Her back straight, compassionate eyes, maybe a notebook on her lap. The window on her right illuminated only half of her face. Making her half an angel. She wasn't commenting on his answer, she squinted her eyes. 'Are you saying I was right and you were wrong?' she asked. Cheeky. She wasn't smiling, cause she knew she was right all along. 'I'm saying you got lucky.' She made him weak, his mouth was dry. 'So what are you gonna do next? I might get lucky again', she said. Could he tell her? She already knew so much. He decided he could share, vague answers only. 'We find where they took Khorram, we'll probably find Arash as well. We leave in a week.' She kept biting her lower lip, not in a provocative way. She was thinking. 'What did he do exactly? He's the one with that snake flag right?' she asked. She was informed. She had seen the flag she was referring to on the news and on social media. It was a green flag with a snake print, with red eyes. A symbol. 'The viper, yes. We've been following him for some time. Human trafficking, mainly.' Her expression was of disgust. 'He formed an army, he controls the main cities, he lets people starve, public executions…' he decided to stop there. She nodded, she got the gist. 'Makes sense…' she murmured. 'Reign of Terror kinda thing.' There was silence again between them.

'Reign…' he felt bad that he didn't know what she was talking about. He didn't have a degree. Jude had probably 4 or 5. But no, he wasn't that cultured. It made him feel small. Guns and war, he was the best. It was the second time he didn't know what she was talking about, she said something about a Little King or some shit. (It was the Little Price, the book). 'French Revolution, doesn't matter', she cut him off. Don't make me feel stupid Jude. He got up saying he better be going, she did too, she said 'of course'. She offered him her hand to shake. You're Italian, he decided. The hand gestures, the physical touch. Yes, to Simon shaking your hand twice was considered physical touch. She wasn't British, she was too polite and beautiful for it. How do you speak English so well then. What made you come here? What's your real name something Italian like Julia or Sarah? He reached for her hand, glad he was wearing gloves this time so he couldn't feel her skin. Less of her to think about. She looked at him, then looked down to their hands, still holding it. Her soft, caramel skin, with those dainty black nails against his skeleton printed gloves. She turned his hand so she could see the skeleton print and smiled, with her head tilted down. A smirk. She had dimples. Her eyelashes were almost touching her eyebrows. He let go of her hand and turned around, regretting he didn't wear his other mask. Would have hidden the fact that he was blushing.

notes: I was listening to 'cool about it' by boygenius when writing this. also, writing ballet is fucking hard… how do I describe the pain. also also, Jude's shoes are those chunky coquette Mary Jane shoes that you wear with socks.

notes: Julia and Sarah are not correct spellings of Italian names, more on the American side. makes sense Simon doesn't know how to spell the Italian versions. (they are Giulia and Sara). How are you guys doing, you all good? You guessed it I'm still taking my exams and working and being clinically insane and unbelievably tired.

love, mare.

taglist:

@ummmmmwat @ghostlythots @sweetfemmefatal @natxpat @chavarriakeren647 @ravenmoore14 @farther-than-pleiades @internallyscreamings @hwromi @atoxicrat @cuti3maddi3 @deafeningkittenblaze @its-celeste @serene-hills @lexidoll12 @poohkie90 @lunatiquess

@warmedbythebody @katzykat @iristhemuse @azkza @keiraslayz @abbyandermine @jennyjencakes @dest-nai @corset-briefs @nutze-kekse @ilytsukiw @b3anspr0ut

@pondsblog @missyouzoe @fallenkitten @bigauthorrascalturkey @bethtay @angelynn-nicole @starluv @stargirlisworld @giyuuslittleslut @impossiblecupcakelight

@rkrivees-blog @ghosts-hoe @kam1snotverysmart @gauky76 @freyjaaasstuff @spicyspicyliving @scottpilgrimvsmyfists @courtney0-0 @shinchanboi @darling006 @my-therapist-hates-me

[prostopaket]

This piece of work is a little valentines gift for me, you can ignore or indulge ! What it is you want. This is Canon x oc (toby x sam ) so yeah...that the warning.

Oh and there's curse words !:)

Drums and guitars.

Being a drummer In some shity garage band was not how sam expected to spend all his life, he didn't expect to even last one week ! But here he is on a summer break drumming like his life depends on it.

But there was one problem, a big fucking hiccup. The ticking time bomb named Tobias Erin Rogers. He was his groups guitarist, the main fangirls course.

Sam was annoyed by him. He always looked like a kicked puppy, just maybe a bit ragged and scrawny. He had turrets syndrome, so he always ticked (literally) and he seemed to be trying to get on Sam's  good side. But sam was better then that, atleast he thought so.

"Hey man, maybe we should play not only on breaks but also at school time ?" Toby asked sam and the other two members of the group Jeff and Ben.

"Tobias, we got like classes to attend to. We are not homeschooled like you " sam answered roughly. Toby's eyes sadden at his words. Totally a puppy.

"Oh...right " rogers rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

After some time Jeff and Ben have left leaving them both alone, Sam  thought he  could safely leave too but toby stopped him from even standing up, he was right behind sam. putting his arms on Sam's  shoulders and his head on top of his .

"What the fuck are you doing?" Sam asked putting his drum sticks on the drum set.

It's not like Sam necessarily disliked touch, he was a actually quite touch starved. But he didn't like sudden touch, it was...well unnecessarily frightening.

"What does it look like I'm doing ? " toby said sarcastically and gave sam a small hug from behind.

"Youre warm" he said bluntly.

Blunt. That's how you could call toby.

He is honest, maybe that was what scared sam the most. Toby wouldn't lie.

"Well your freezing cold " sam said annoyed looking anywhere but not at Toby's hands.

"Aw. You care " he smiled while he squeezed sam tighter. He knew damn well how much sam hated it.

"I do not !" Sam says but doesn't move away, he just crosses his hands on his chest.

"Sure you do " he smirked and leaned more on sam,  his chin on your shoulder.

"See ? Your letting me do it. Means you care, you big softie." Toby said.

"You wouldn't let me go anyway " sam says looking at the drums.

Right drums. He could just focus on his drums.

It's all his life, it's all his passion, it's...

A way to be around toby.

"True. But still, if you really hated it you would've pushed me off already"

He said bluntly and hugged the poor guy even tighter. "I should hug you more often, your a good heater. " toby smirked and chuckled lightly.

"You do it atleast once more and I'm not going to our band practice " sam says and looks at Toby's hands for a second.

Oh god, oh God, oh no.

"Ouch. that's harsh " he said with a fake offended tone. He then let's go of sam and put his hands up in surrender.

"Fine I won't hug you more then once, atleast not until you are less of a dick to me ".

Sam signed with a bit of relief. Yeah that is all he can do, be a dick. Nothing more.

He cannot be vulnerable.

"Thank you. " sam says sarcastically and stretcha with a tired groan. He always forgets how tiring it is to play drums.

"Your very welcome " toby said sarcastically too.

He was quiet for a second, he was studying sams every move and then a smirk appeared on his face. "So... you got any plans for tonight ? " Toby asked with innocent eyes.

What.

"What....?" Sam asks  confused stopping his stretching mid way.

"Plans, tonight, are you doing anything ?" He repeated and stepped closer to sam till he was only a few inches away. "Nothing important right ? " He tilted his head to one side innocently.

Sam was in fact not doing anything tonight.

But why would toby want to know ? .

"Why the question?" Sam asks suspicious.

"Oh no reason. Just that I, a homeschooled teen who has all free time in the world, wanted to hang out with his friends " he gave off a fake sad pout.

Right. Sam almost forgot about that.

Sam drummed  his fingers on the the drum set thinking and suddenly stopped  "I guess I Don't have any plans " he  said looking back at toby.

He's smirk became bigger, even a bit evil. A little 'oh' leaving his lips. "Oh really ? " He said in a mocking tone, he slowly got closer to sam.

"Then I guess you and I are hanging out today. " He said.

....

WHAT!?.

[1941-crowley-slut]

Rant incoming

I cannot STAND how my mom talks to me about church when she wants me to go.

For context, we obviously stopped going during covid so we were away for 2-3 years and though she watched the live broadcast every Sunday, I didn't. In fact I always deliberately left the room at that time to stay away from it. At some point I told her I don't believe anymore (honestly I remember having doubts and questions (Crowley coded lmao) since I was a kid but 11-12 is where it really just set in that I don't have that kind of faith). She didn't take ir horribly bad but told me at the time she'd like it if I still joined her at church sometimes. Which, fine. Okay.

Fast forward to when she is actually going back to church and just throws on me the news that I am going too. Doesn't ask, just tells me I'm going. And I'm pissed as fuck the whole day after that, to the point that when she asks me to find my clothes for church I actually just keep looking at my closet and want to tear everything apart. I really avoid conflicts with my mother but this one had me. I was PISSED. So when she finally asked what was going on I told her "I don't want to go". And it wasn't so much that I wasn't willing to do it for her, it's that I felt she had no regard for my beliefs and just wanted her way. A

And funnily enough, she did. Because the reponse to that was: "I know, but I'd already told you I want you to come with me sometimes. Is it so terrible, you can't even make this one little sacrifice for your mother?"

Not me being guilt tripped, but anyway. I don't remember the end of that conversation but I remember other times. Once again for context, I was in 12th grade the year that passed and it was incredibly difficult study-wise. I had 6-7 hours of school every day, then anywhere from 2-5 hours of extra studies (sometimes almost immediately) and then I also had to do homework for both school and extra studies (seperate) and a lot of it was learning things by heart, plus we had tests and exams all the time like ALL the time, some weeks I'd have 5 tests in 3 days and I was going insane. Plus on extra studies we wrote exams on Saturdays. So it was all very very hectic and mom knew that and she was very awesome for the most part, but when it came to church she just didn't. Listen. To me.

She would go "You'll come this Sunday because the next weeks will be harder for you" but the matter of the fact was, she didn't know what weeks were harder for me. She thought for xyz reasons that later it'd be worse, but in reality the times she wanted me to go i was drowning in work and getting anxiety attacks and mental breakdowns cause everything was so much. Too much. And I'd say something like "Well this week's pretty bad" and expect her to get the hint but she'd go "it's just one hour in the morning, how important is it really, you probably wouldnt even be studying then"

(Not to mention it's not really 1 hour cause I need like an hour just to wake up and get ready, then 20 minute drive, the service was either 1 or 1 and a half hours, then it was however long chatting up with all the church people, another 20 minute drive home and then I was tired and we would have lunch and I just wanted to relax and sleep etc etc. So it wasnt at all just an hour. And maybe even if I hadn't gone to church that day, it'd still be afternoon and I wouldn't have gotten started on any work. But at least I would have spent some time for myself and then would force myself to work. But anyway again)

She just does this thing where she doesn't even ask or give me the illusion of a choice. Cause the truth is that church is usually not that bad, I can deal with it, it's fine. But I hate it just because she makes me feel forced to go. If she was just like "Hey, could you come with me to church this Sunday? I'd like that" I would be much happier to go. I know she doesn't want to be by herself and that she worries about what the church peoole will think (which pisses me off as well but thats another story), I don't mind keeping her company. But I mind when she suddenly springs it on me on Saturdays that "We're going to church tomorrow" and even if I show my discomfort with it she's like "Well you have to come sometimes."

And she just she has this way that I don't understand that when she says anything related to me going to church (e.g. "Find your clothes for tomorrow to see if anything needs to be ironed"), she says it in this firm tone and so suddenly that you just even subconsciously know you have no say in this. I don't get to react to this or have an opinion, it's just something I have to do. Because she said so. And if I was to try and react, she'd circle right back to guilt-tripping me (which at this point would be really funny because I have been trying lately to help her in every way I can so it's not like "You do everything for me and I'll do this small favor for you by coming with you", I have been offering to help with chores, I've been offering to learn stuff I dont know how to do so I can help her around the house, I have been helping as far as I can. But nonetheless I know this will end badly if I try to argue)

Anyway yeah it's just. I'm tired. At first I thought it was her desperate attempt to get me back into the church, to make me believe again. Now, though I still think she clings onto some hope about that, I also believe she thinks I'm too far gone for that and really just wants me there for company and for the eyes of the world, so none of the people know I'm not a believer anymore and supposedly think of her as a failed mother.

I'd just like to be counted like an equal person in here. Especially what with reaching adulthood and all. Like she actually scolded me when I said "I'd like to go out with my friends" and waited for their approval, because she said I was just making announcements and she wants me to ask next time. Even though I was still essentially waiting for them to say yes or no, I wasn't announcing anything. And she's said this before too, I'd leave for extra studies a little earlier sometimes to go get bubble tea and I'd tell her and then she'd go "I want you to ask beforehand". Why? She wasnt even home, no one was, and I would've left like 30 minutes later anyway cause I had to, what's the big deal? Or is it just about being controlled, hm? Is it that she can't watch me be an independent person? Feels like it.

Anyway my point was I have to literally ask for everything, like with a "Can I" and a question mark and all, because "We might have something else planned" (which as I said, if they had something planned for us to do would they not tell me? And either way, if something came up I'd just tell my friends I couldn't hang out after all cause something came up and it'd be fine. But no, she insisted.) but when it comes to me she just says "You're coming" and that's it and I HATE it. I HATE IT.

If she thinks she's bringing me closer to church this way someone tell her she couldn't be more wrong.

[crazyf0rswayze]

Can you write Brian Johnson (The Breakfast Club) x a female reader who has trouble sleeping and is always falling asleep during class/detention please? Thank you:)

Warnings: cursing, yelling, mentions of a bad home life, lmk if I missed anything

Y/N POV

Another Saturday another detention for the dumbest fucking reason ever. Bonus points because I didn't sleep well at all and we were out of coffee this morning.

"Hey Y/n! How ya doin'" my boyfriend, Brian yells out as I get out of my mom's car. I groan loud as I walk over to him

"Didn't sleep good?" he asks

"No not really" I say. Brian wraps one arm around my waist as we head towards the school

"I'm sorry hun" He says, grabbing the door. I walk in and he follows after me. He catches up so he's by my side. His pinky finds mine and he links them together earning a small, happy giggle from me.

BRIAN'S POV

Gosh I loved her. I loved that no matter how she felt, or how tired she was she could still let out a small giggle to let me know she liked what I was doing. We near the library and I open up the door for her. We step in to find only Andy in there.

"Congrats on being early" He says, rolling his eyes. He looks from me to Y/n and down at our hands. Y/n tries to pull hers away but I keep our pinkies linked together. I let out a scoff and go to sit at my usual seat, with Y/n on my right.

"You were here before us Andrew, so what's the biggie" I ask

"That's because my dad had work"

"Your dad doesn't work on weekends, you told me" Y/n says tiredly. Andrew had honestly become friends with everyone in detention, we were only joking around really so I wasn't surprised when his eyes softened after Y/n spoke.

"Hey, you ok? You sound insanely tired" Andy asks with concern in his voice.

"I didn't sleep good ag-" she cuts herself off, probably remembering that she never told Andrew about her sleep problems.

"Bender is hhheerrree!!!" John yells as he comes jogging in, flexing his arms and shit like the jocks do.

"Is that how you enter your matches Andrew?" Bender asks sitting behind him

"No now shut your trap before I shut it for you" Ok so maybe I lied, Andy was not friends with Bender and he made that obvious every week. Y/n leans her body against mine and puts her head on my shoulder, closing her eyes.

"Y/n, you can't sleep in detention because you'll earn yourself another if Mr.Vernon sees" I whisper. She lets out a small groan and sits back up. Clair and Allison come it and sit in their usual spots.

"Now that everyone is here, I'll be giving you an assignment...sit around and do nothing. Just sit in you damn seats and we'll have a good day" Mr. Vernon says after he walks into the room and stands at the front of all the desks.

"MS Y/L/N!! Is this boring you?" He yells after Y/n yawns.

"N-no I just didn't sleep well I-I guess." She says, and everyone seemed to be looking at her.

"Well don't fall asleep you hear me? If I catch you sleeping it's another detention" He says pointing a finger at her

"It's not like I'm falling asleep in class!" She says

"That's another detention already! Don't talk back!" he yells. I see small tears fill Y/n's eyes. I knew she hated yelling...Mr. Vernon walks out and everyone's eyes are still stuck on Y/n, waiting for a reaction, waiting for a tear to fall

"What are you all looking at!!??" She yells

"Not much" Bender says with a smirk

"Shut your fucking mouth John!" Andy yells looking back at Bender with anger in his eyes. Andy and Y/n were friends before all these detentions, so he could get quite defensive, and I couldn't tell if I liked it or not because it makes it seem like her likes her. But at the same time I'm glad he can stick up for her because I could barely stick up for myself.

"Andrew stop! Just leave it alone! I'm fine!" Y/n says, folding her arms on the desk and burying her head in them.

"She's so dramatic" Clair whispers

"Clair stop! It's not her fault!" Andy whisper yells to the girl next to her

"Yea you're more dramatic than her" Bender states in a whisper

"Do you ever shut up!? Better question...do you ever say anything nice?" Andrew asks, still whispering

"Not often, no" Bender responds. I hear Y/n's breath slow down next to me.

"Shit" I whisper, not knowing if I should wake her up or not. Andy looks at me and then to Y/n and then back to the front of the room. I softly shake her, and put my head on the table. She groans and lifts her head up off the desk, looking at me. I move a few strands of hair out of her face. She smiles and tilts her head to one side is resting on her arms but shes looking in my eyes

"You can't sleep, you heard what Mr. Vernon said."

"It doesn't matter if I plan on being here every week anyway"

"No...no you can't be here every week if you want to get into that college"

Y/N POV

"But I'm tired" I say

"I know you are, but you can't sleep right now. I'll bring you to my house later, and we can cuddle and you can sleep..ok?" Brian says with a soft, beautiful, smile

"Ok..." I say with a yawn. I notice Andy smile, and chuckle a little at us. I knew he was happy that I had someone nice like Brian. I sit up, and Brian wraps and arm around my shoulder and pulls me into him.

"Get a room" Bender says with a scoff and a roll of his eyes. His feet are propped up on the desk and his arms are crossed over his chest.

"Oh my fucking god!!! Shut up! You're just jealous!" I say to him. Bender looks at me angrily and stands up to walk over to me. Andy stands up and stands in front of John so he's unable to reach me.

"Two hits, one to the jaw, and the other is when you hit the ground...just like the first time we met right?" Andrew says coolly

"OH MY GOD! CAN YOU GUYS GO ONE WEEK WITHOUT WANTING TO SLIT EACH OTHER'S THROATS!!!??" Clair yells out. Allison squeals once Clair yells. Quick and loud footsteps approach the library and Andrew and John scramble back to their seats

"What's all that yelling!!" Mr. Vernon asks, running into the room

"Nothing sir" I say, lifting my head from my arms

"Did she fall asleep?"

"Yea!!" Bender was quick to yell

"N-No! No she didn't, I was next to her the whole time" Brian says, quick to defend me. I see Andy shoot his meanest glare at John. 'Piece of shit' he mouths

"I didn't fall asleep he's lying!" I say, praying he won't give me another detention

"You're off the hook this time missy" He says before walking out.

BRIAN'S POV

After we can't hear the footsteps Andy and Bender get up and rumble around. Andrew pins John to the floor

"What is your damn problem Bender!! Why did you have to be an ass all the time!" He says. Bender is squirming to get out of Andy's grasp. Andy picks up his shoulders and slams them back into the ground. Bender just chuckles

"What!?" Andrew says pushing on Benders shoulders again

"Andy stop!" Clair yells at the boy. Y/n's head is in her arms again and her breathing is soft. I truly wondered how she could sleep through the commotion. Bender manages to land a punch on Andrew's face, causing him to fall backwards and off of Bender. Both the boys stand up, ready to keep fighting. Bender is close to me so you can kind of imagine what happens next. I spring up to hold John's arms behind his back and keep him from hurting Andrew. Andrew walks away to the back of the room and sits against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest, and his legs sticking out in front of him. Allison walks over to him sitting by him, and Y/n stirs awake.

"Why are you always so damn tired" Bender asked and she looked behind her to see Allison with her head on Andy's shoulder. She smiled, and as she looked back to John her smile quickly fell and she narrowed her eyes.

"Why are you always such a damn asshole" She questions before grabbing her bag and going to sit with Andy and Allison. I follow her.

"I'm assuming you're ok?" Y/n asks Andrew as she sits beside Allison.

"Yea, it was just one punch. But how the hell did you know what was going on" Andy asks.

"I kinda saw the start of it, then kinda fell asleep." Y/n answers and John and Clair walk over. The sit on the wall next to us, since we were sitting near the corner.

"Are you here for fun again Allison?" I ask, leaning over so I could see her, considering Y/n was right next to me on my left.

"Yea" she says with a devious smirk

Y/N POV

"What are you here for Andy" Brian asks

"Starting a fight in class" He says looking up at the ceiling.

"Bender?" Brian asks quietly

"Getting involved in a fight in class" Bender says with a smirk. I roll my eyes. I wanted to punch him so bad. He's such an ass and he acts so cool about it. But you know, Andrew's the same way.

"Clair?" Brian asks

"I cussed out a teacher" she says looking down.

"Holy shit! You cussed out a teacher!?" Andrew says with a chuckle, looking at Clair. She nods her head smiling

"Yea" She says with a breathy chuckle. We all looked at each other and burst out laughing.

"Holy ccrrraaappp!!! Clair Standish the perfect, innocent girl cussed at a teacher!?" I say with a proud smile on my face

"Yea...yea I did...what are you in for?" She asks me.

"You make it sound like I'm in prison!" I say, avoiding her question

"Y/n don't avoid my question" She says saddly

"My parents were fighting all night....and I couldn't sleep and I fell asleep in class" I say looking down. Brian wraps an arm around my shoulder and kisses my head.

"It's ok babe" he whispers. Bender snort laughs at me. I see Andy shoot him a glare out of the corner of my eye. We all kinda spent the rest of our eight hours back there and talked, and most definitely cried, Allison and I fell sleep on multiple occasions. We also argued more than ever because John Bender is a ginormous asshole and I have no idea how Clair can stand him, or stand letting him be rude. Well, she did get mad at him a few times.

"Bender stop!! I literally had to wake you up in class last week and your laughing at Y/n!? You're making like the entire room mad!!"

[bucky-bucky-bucky-bucky]

I cannot even describe how much I hate my school.

I hate their policies, their staff- I hate the institution as a whole.

Rant below:

It's a for profit (read: expensive) school that does not deliver anything that is up to par with the price.

The ultrasound lab is tiny, with only 6 ultrasound machines. Two machines are pretty good, one is fine, and the rest are fucking abysmal. They are what is referred to as "non diagnostic", meaning that you'd never use them to scan a patient. The image quality is so low it's like staring at TV static. But I was forced to take my competency (scanning test) on the worst machine in the lab. It was so awful that by the end, I felt like I couldn't see anything because I'd basically been staring at TV static for 45 minutes straight. My teacher even said that the machine sucks and that when you turn the gain (the brightness) up, it only makes the image more fuzzy. But yeah, I was forced to use it on my competency. And I was the only one who had to use that machine! I haven't gotten my grade back yet but I know it will be awful. And if I fail, I will have to do remediation with my teacher where we go over my images and he tells me what's wrong with them. I can already tell you what's wrong with them- the machine is a piece of shit. Also if I fail, I will have to retake it, but I am only allowed a grade of 75. I'm not the type of person to blame my short comings or failures on things outside of myself, but come on...

And when I spoke to my teacher about it after class (privately) he brushed me off. He told me he wouldn’t penalize me for the fuzzy, subpar, low quality images- but that was only half the point. I was trying to communicate to him that the issue was the machine quality + my eyes being completely fried by the tv static appearance + the horrible quality nearly threw me into a panic attack + I was the only one who had to use that machine. But he didn’t listen. And I know that he won’t take what I said (what little I was able to say before he interrupted) into account.

And the rules... oh my god. Your attendance and professionalism are rolled into one grade that is referred to as your "professionalism grade". You can get points deducted for missing class, being late, not having your textbooks, etc. And I have to laugh. Like, I went to an actual university before attending this two year program, and The fucking University of Texas as Austin did not deduct points if a student doesn't have a textbook one day. It's like we're in middle school.

Plus, this whole attendance / professionalism thing is bullshit. They said at the start of the program that if you have to miss class because of an extenuating circumstance, they will understand. But they do not understand. There is zero understanding. My classmate's brother was just murdered. Brutally murdered. She missed class yesterday to attend his memorial, and they gave her a zero for her professionalism. You're telling me that the murder of her brother isn't an extenuating circumstance?

The school as a whole has no empathy or understanding for their students.

One of my teachers also constantly eavesdrops and polices our conversations. Even when we're talking quietly in a small group during break time, she butts in. She makes judgmental comments and has to lecture us at least once a week about how we don't have it that bad. She's one of those "if it was bad for me, it should be bad for you" kind of teachers. She's always like "well when I was in school I was a full time student and working full time and doing clinical full time and I was a full time wife and a full time mother" and I just simply DO. NOT. CARE. She just wants to invalidate us and what we're going through. And she does it at every turn. She's actually done the whole "oh, let me play a song for you on the worlds tiniest violin" bit and she thinks it's sOoOoOo funny. She told a classmate of mine that he "isn't allowed" to say that he's tired when he only got 5 hours of sleep, because she "only ever gets about 2 hours of sleep"- and she says it like it's a flex. Maam, you're gonna be dead and buried at 50 if you dont sleep. Thats not something to brag about. And not sleeping is not going to help us succeed with our academics. This teacher has told us to not sleep and to skip meals in order to study- but doing those things will only make retaining the information harder.

Plus, the teachers know how fucking stressed we are and they don't care. They know the program is really hard in regard to subject matter, but they make it even worse because they are horrible when it comes to scheduling and communication. First semester, we were told we would never have a test the week before finals because it's not fair. But second and third semester, my teacher has casually added another test the week before finals as though it's not a big deal. They're constantly adding and changing test/ quiz dates- and it's never in out favor. Plus, our two teachers always make it so that we have tests / quizzes back to back. We have class Monday through Thursday, but they always choose to put their tests /quizzes on Monday and Tuesday.

Generally speaking, it feels like sabotage after sabotage after sabotage. It feels like they are setting us up to fail. I'm dreading my competency grade. I'm dreading the next two semesters. I'm so miserable.

[kisaamisa]

ᝰ.ᐟ✮⋆˙𝙉𝙀𝙋𝙀𝙉𝙏𝙃𝙀

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𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘: in which a heartbroken boy and a lovesick girl find each other in high school. will she be able to cure his wounds or make them deeper?

a/n ⋆ there is two parts to this bitch because I can't fit all my photos in one post. 🤬🤬

CHAPTER 1 ; HE'S WHAT? ✮

“Uhh, right!”

Baki was rapidly flipping through his notebook after the girl had asked what the project would be about.

“It's supposed to be about some…book?”

“And how long do we have to complete it?”

….

Baki sat there with a confused face. What is it? Why are we completing-

“The project Hanma.”

OH.

“I think we have a week or two to complete it..”

'How the hell did I already embarrass myself in front of her. We haven't been sitting next to each other for more than 5 minutes. Damn Baki, you’re pathetic.'

“Anyways, I'll give you my phone number. Don't text me until I text first or my sister will get on me about having a boyfriend.”

“That doesn't sound too bad.”

“Huh?”

'Shit.'

“Nothing!”

[Name] now squinted and raised her eyebrows, clear suspicion showing and making itself visible on her face.

“Okay if you say so..”

The pair sat in awkward silence and refused to make any eye contact until [name] brought up the fact that they should at least try and get a headstart before meeting again to get all of it finished.

“I'll see you soon! Bye!”

[Name] waved to her new found friend before running off to go start walking home.

Baki stood there with his thoughts clouded. She was so pretty, so nice, so funny. He wanted her as a girlfriend but he didn't want to say anything. He was going through a break up for goodness sake! He at least had to wait a bit or it would seem as if he didn't value his and Kozue's relationship.

“Yeah! Do you wanna go out to that coffee shop later on, Ko?”

Speak of the devil.

“I don't know, I'm a bit tired but I'll text you later whether I'm going or not, okay?”

Baki wanted to desperately walk over to Kozue and apologize for everything and get back together with her, in fact, he was about to until an aggravating and grating voice yelled after him.

One that irritated him just by hearing it.

“HEY BAKI! YOUR BROTHERS FROM OTHER MOTHERS ARE TO PICK YOU UP FROM SCWHOOL!”

The way Katsumi had said those words were in a way that was babyish, practically mocking Baku for being the youngest.

Baki immediately snapped away from his thoughts and realized that he was starting to stare at Kozue. He immediately looked away and sped walked to his friends.

He muttered a slight “I hate you so much you fucking burnt sperm cell” and somehow, Restu heard and started lecturing him about giving respect and how to calm his anger down to at least respect the ones he loves.

Baki couldn't wait until he got home, he was already tired of school.

a/n ⋆ i ate some really good pizza so shout out to pizza hut because I wouldn't have posted anything without it 💗

all right reserved © please do not copy any of my works!

[yrndrgn]

Brain zaps be zapping again

I'm going through this headache again, and I'm so upset about it. I'm not even going through a decrease- I increased goddamnit. I thought they only happened if you decreased. Now I have the metal balls jangling in my head if I so much as move my eyes wrong. Even my tinnitus has taken on a tinny sound. I hate these things so much. Life feels like it's on pause once they start up. I only get them closer to the evenings, so it's not too bad. But, like, some times they start at 5:00PM and mess up my whole evening. I'm in law school damnit- I've got shit to do.

I've also had some scary bad ones recently.

About three weeks ago, I was having a really shitty time. I got dumped, I was plagued by some unknown upper respiratory infection (not COVID), and- key point here- I had vomited a little after taking my meds. The only medication in the puke was the Mucinex I had taken earlier, but my other meds were also probably disrupted because of it. Due to- just- the emotional devastation that I felt and in generally feeling utterly like shit all the time, I hadn't been able to sleep for about 48 hours.

Not great for a sick person.

It was getting late. My dad had gone off to bed. I go up to brush my teeth because they were feeling shitty because, well, depression. My head had been buzzing for maybe an hour- the occasional long series of zaps, but also just buzzing pain in general. Enough to note, but not enough to really to make myself do anything about. I'm on the stairs when something feels off the first time. A lot of zaps go off at once and make my head feel a little dizzy.

Worrying.

I make my way to the bathroom and start brushing my teeth. That's when things got really bad.

I'm one of those people who shakes their head as I brush my teeth. I move in rhythm with the brush. Maybe the motion caused it because suddenly a whole bunch of zaps go off all at once. Just simultaneously blasting away at my brain. My body goes stiff I feel like I'm about to fall over and out of control of my body. The worst part was my vision. The world just started kinda melting. Y'know how sometimes a bunch of window screen will pop up in this specific diagonal overlap? It was like that but also a little liquidy. There was this sound as it happened- like when one dribbles basketballs really low and quickly to the ground but more metal. I remember feeling so stiff.

My body doesn't respond to my commands for a second, but somehow I pushed my will through enough for me to stop myself from falling. I panic finish because what the fuck just happened? I'm heartbroken, depressed, exhausted, sick, and now terrified because I lost control of my body for a second. I leave the bathroom and proceed to have another one. There's basketballs. My head hurts. My limbs stiffen.

The world melts.

I cling to some shelves. I gain back control. I'm scared. Do I move? Do I stay? I'm so tired. I need to go back downstairs. I need my meds. I want my dad.

My dad went to bed- that means he's in the room right next to me.

This is purely a matter of happenstance. Due to some shenanigans involving the AC units at home, my dad started sleeping in my sister's room since she had already left for her own place, and her room conjoins my childhood bedroom through the bathroom. I went to my childhood bedroom by habit despite not sleeping there because my AC unit was among the broken ones because, when you're feeble, sickly, prissy prissy prince(ss) like me, you need to be able to cool the room a little while on a tropical island. I was standing in my room at the time, maybe I could drag myself just far enough to get my dad.

I move slowly. I keep one hand webbed in the shelve's grids as I travel, then pressed against the wall once there are no more shelves.

I'm in the doorway when a third one hits. Maybe because it's happened twice now, but it's not quite as bad. But the world still melts for a bit.

I cling my to my sister's bedroom door and knock. I call out for my dad and quietly open the door.

He's tired and confused and worried.

"There's something wrong with me. I don't think it's safe for me to go down the stairs alone. Can you help me?"

I feel like a little kid all over again.

Instead of doing what my routine-oriented brain thinks of which is guiding me downstairs then back to the actual room I sleep in, he slips me into what was his bed. He rubs my back and strokes my hair then goes to get my meds. My Ate comes to check because she heard something happened and know that I'm still really sick. She brings me an extra blanket and some water.

My dad returns with my meds and my phone. He tells me to text him or my Ate if I need anything and to get some rest.

I take all my meds plus a Tylenol PM and finally sleep for the first time in over 48 hours.

I haven't had brain zaps as bad as that day since.

But every time they start back up, I worry if it'll happen again, and if this time I really do lose control. My dad isn't here to help me again. I don't know if there's anyone who could help me if they happen again.

[fuckinorangecat]

I had such a great time the past few days.

06/09/2023 I taught my first lesson. It was a self-introduction but I made the kids laugh. I know how to improve my presentation better now but it really went well. I really thought I'd bomb it. However this does not make me any less nervous for the next fucking classes. My heart feels like it's ready to shatter any moment.

07/09/2023

Today was the costume parade!! I was the world's shittest batman for my class because the kids were told to make the costume last minute but it was so fucking fun. All the students spent the last few weeks preparing their costumes and art pieces. It was so inspirational lol. I'm genuinely so proud of them and they make me so happy. I'm so glad I could join in regardless of my shit outfit. We literally paraded and marched the whole of town and every local came out to cheer and take pictures of us. My coworker informed me that events like these are only possible in small towns because the city would complain about the traffic. Fuck cities, I'm so glad I got a rural placement in the middle of nowhere. I feel so much pride and happiness from this place. Also the locals love the event so much they literally cannot stop doing it, it was supposed to be a one time thing when they first did it. Amazing. I also had my welcome party today, my supervisor organised it for me at a local yakiniku place. It was absolutely delicious and I obviously got pissed and mingled with most of the teachers. I missed a few of them unfortunately. There were quite a lot so I couldn't speak to everyone, but everyone really had a good time so my heart is full. In the beginning I told them I'm not sure how long I want to stay, but after tonight I told them all; "I think I want to stay the full five years after tonight". They were all so happy haha. I went to home so tired but I called a few friends from London then went to bed. I missed them.

08/09/2023

No rest for the ALT. Today was sports day, the culmination of all the teacher's planning efforts and the students' practising efforts. I woke up, got dressed and went straight to work. Also, apparently it's a rule that you don't mention the nomikai (drinking party) the next day but everyone seemed pretty happy? I hate when people just say shit like that like really? I had the total opposite reaction, a teacher even came up to me and said "yesterday was so fun." my day was already made with that comment lol. I love my fellow teachers so much lol. I want to study so fucking hard just to truly make friends with them. But I digress lol, back to sports day. It was truly amazing, there were 19 events consisting of different games, relays and dances. I took part in the strength contest of course, it was so much fun. I made all the kids and parents laugh. Everyone kept saying 'otsukarasama' meaning good job lol. I also took part in tug of war, FUCKING tiring. I really need to train for next year lol. My favourite part were the dances and cheerleading, the students put so much effort into it and I honestly wanted to cry. I've watched them for the past three weeks and they've done nothing but their absolute fucking best. Thank you students, thank you everyone lol. Anyone I'm gonna stop because I've been so fucking busy the past three days and I'm so tired. I thought I'd write because, well i said i would and i fucking haven't lol. So here it is. I can't wait to relax for the weekend (I can't i gotta prepare for a school visit at another school for the first time. KMS)

Another diary entry done.

love.

bye

[fatimaah7580]

I'm exhausted. I'm just exhausted. So so exhausted.

These days when I come home from school, have lunch and finally have free time I just wanna cry. It's either the school that makes me wanna cry or seeing my parents both super tired those days or seeing my grandma not being so healthy or seeing my cousins depressed and stressed or not having any desire to eat and loosing my kg again or not being able to even watch a silly show because I'm too tired of everything or all of it all at once....

Or realizing that yeah I love my friends and classmates but honestly my hate for school wins and tho some people seen sad abt graduation....the closer it comes the more I realized that I'm too tired of school to be sad to leave it. I will miss my friends but this day was inevitable. That's why I just want it all to end.

I just need summer. I just need my dad being funny and outgoing again instead of coming stressed from work with bags under his eyes, I just need my mom being supportive of everyone again instead of putting a lot of housework on me because she's no longer a housewife and she's making money now. I just want to get away. Somewhere far, all alone, have a rest from everyone and everything somewhere in Malaysian beach where I don't need to worry about exams or stupid MUNs that aren't even interesting or useful.

I just really need to be sure that my future self will be happy with her life. That she will truly fall in love and marry someone. That she will have a job that she enjoys or be a stay at home wife that's having fun at home and going on walks with her lover late summer nights.

I don't need money or anything. Just a lovable person, a cat, a cute little house, meaningful conversations, friends, being able to create art everyday, seeing my loved ones happy and being sure my kids love their motha.

I need happiness. Back, I want it back

I need to do my Arabic and then my housework and then find some more info for stupid MUN (ew why did we even agree to take a part in this shit? It was boring today and I didn't like my own speech and zr even bullied kmll)

Also today's stupid lineyka was super annoying. I hate being a hater but oh how I hate A LOT OF people from our school. Not gonna miss those bitches. Only three teachers and six girls. Other can disappear I won't even care if we never meet again. So tired of all of them. Especially the principal. Hate her.

Damn why does this week suck sooo much I wish my parents didn't need me at home and I could stay more after lessons with my friends to play volleyball or go out for lunch or something. I wish I didn't have so much on me, making lunch for my grandma and dad and mom cuz now she's also nOt kEepiNg uP wiTh tHe hOuSewOrk sO I ShoUld heLp cuz My broTherS arE disAbled . Helping my sister to have a fucking childhood cuz I hate seeing her kinda depressed at nine. What even is that I'm so worried about her mental health.

The way my brothers are living like literal pigs is making me SICK. She never sees them like this LIKE HELLO MOM IT'S NOT ONLY ME WHO'S SEVENTEEN? u don't need to be a girl to be able to live like a human. so annoying all of them everyone can I die already

edit: frz wants to do a no-backpack day, lol. I mean oookay guuurl that's a progress, at least something fun

alriiight it's almost time for sleep and I'm fine I just forgot my problems and everything is gonna be ✨great✨

can I have a really cool dream with interesting plot twists PLEASE

May 16, 2024

[heartxdecay]

WHY do bad things always have to happen to me so close together like I did not NEED the combo of an acquaintance I was attempting to befriend blowing up at me and threatening to kill themselves over them deciding I said something I didn't (fuck being autistic why does everyone assume I'm inferring things when I'm actually NOT) and then my stalker who I haven't seen in about a year suddenly decides to show up at my place of work and ask MY BOYFRIEND if I was there (he lied and said I wasn't but I still caught a glimpse of him so he might have seen me) which lead to me finding out he never actually moved like he said he was going to which means realistically he could go right back to stalking and harassing me any time he wants. In the span of like 3 days. And of course right now we're like 3 weeks away from the big traumaversary time from when I left the cult + this is the midst of when I was reporting aforementioned stalker last year so I'm already constantly on high alert anyway. So now I'm constantly struggling just to stay awake let alone work and I already had to drop out of school and lie to my parents about it because the condition of me living here is remaining in school which means since I'm not they're going to kick me out if they know. So I can't NOT go to school AND not work especially because I'm trying to save as much money as possible in order to move out of this stupid hellhole of a "family" home where I'm constantly used as a third parent for my younger siblings. But I'm so tired all the time from stress keeping me awake at all hours and being completely unable to leave fight or flight mode when awake that I can barely find the energy to move, and my work is extremely tiring. I work retail as a supervisor and I have to deal with my coworkers not doing as much of the workload despite all being full time while I'm part time, none of the people I'm in charge of taking me seriously because I'm either younger than them or the same age as them, regular stress that comes with working retail and dealing with customers, and a management change that is leading to us getting a notoriously rude + perfectionist manager who I have personally seen throw an actual tantrum over having to do his JOB. Which means I can't afford to be tired and grumpy because I have to remain professional and productive. But every time something slightly off happens I want to burst into tears. Nobody there respects me and it's hard enough to handle when I'm NOT dealing with all of this. And of course because God hates me all of this happened when I decided to try to cut back on constantly vaping so after incident #2 I immediately gave up on that and I honestly think I've been going through cartridges FASTER. It's genuinely such a struggle every day to not relapse on self harm or turn to alcoholism and I'm not sure how much longer I can last. Especially because my literal only IRL support system is my boyfriend, because my parents are worth jack shit, my siblings are children, and my only "friend" in person is an objectively terrible human that I only still have around because they were my FP for a really long time and I have a hard time letting go of that relationship (every time I try I end up running back) and I just KNOW that if I even TRY to breach any of this with them they're either going to hit me with an "oof/yikes" and nothing else or spread my PERSONAL shit to everyone they know INCLUDING my extremely abusive ex that they refuse to totally cut contact with because it's "mean". which means I actually have nobody to turn to except the internet friends in my phone who for one aren't online all the time and have lives but two since they're my ONLY SUPPORT SYSTEM I cannot keep dumping everything on them constantly or I'll overwhelm them. Not to mention they have also had to deal with the acquaintance I mentioned at the start because they're actually THEIR friend, not mine, so if anything it's an even bigger deal to them. This leaves me with only my boyfriend who I already feel shitty enough about given the raging BPD.