#i hate naming compounds its just memorization

[basil-the-bulbasaur]

Memorizing the formula for acetate by linking it to trains

CH3COO-

[blossomingimagines]

Of A Broken Heart

Natasha Romanoff x Fem!Stark!Reader

Word Count: 5,339

Summary: You never thought you would see her again. Never thought you would feel your heart skip a beat because of her emerald green gaze again. Never thought that you would let her back in. You also never thought that you would have to think about planning your brother’s funeral either. (Set after and during (sort of) Infinity War.)

Notes: Everyone requested a second part of Requiem... so I thought I would make one. I hope that you all like it. (Also the reader was under the assumption that Tony had returned. She wasn’t aware that Tony wouldn’t have a way back.)

Tag List: @username23345 // @stephanieromanoff // @ima-gi--na-tion // @chickenhavewisdom // @hi-i-1​ (I’m not sure if some of you wanted to be tagged but you mentioned a part two in Requiem... so I thought I would do so just in case.)

Warnings: Mentions of alcoholism. 

Your gaze was leveled with the sky. Tracing over the sparkling stars and the distant worlds dotted between. Worlds that you would never be able to make out with your naked eye. Even though you knew that they were there all the same.

Was Tony on one of them? Your mind cries out. Tears coming unbidden to your eyes as you tried to quell the incoming sobs. Was he all right? Was he already dead?

The thoughts were familiar to you. Looping constantly within your head like a taunt. Images of your brother’s dead body flashing across your mind. Hollow brown eyes, normally filled with so much life, staring into your own. Never to have the same spark again. To have mischief lurking within their depths as various emotions played through his brilliant mind. 

Clenching your hands against the railing you were leaning against, you lower your head as you take in deep breaths. Ever since Tony had disappeared with the ship you had been left in an almost fugue state. Barely being able to interact with anyone. Barely allowing yourself the pleasures of living. 

Eating had become a challenge because Tony could potentially not be doing the same. How could you possibly enjoy your meal if Tony was starving? How could you allow yourself the simple pleasures of Earth if Tony was suffering away from it? Away from you. 

The thought of Tony truly being gone hadn’t fully set in. You had dealt with this before. Had lived with the knowledge that Tony could be lost to you. Afghanistan had been hell for you and for everyone that loved Tony. You hadn’t given up hope that he would be found. That your big brother, the only family you had left, would be returning to you. 

You had less hope now. At least when Tony had disappeared in Afghanistan he had still been on Earth. Now you didn’t know what galaxy he was in… let alone the planet.  His absence became more and more obvious the longer it went on. The days slipping past you like water through your fingers. The knowledge that Tony may truly be gone this time crushing you. 

It didn’t help that you were surrounded by the people that hurt you the most. The people that you thought were your family but ended up being your biggest heartache. Closing your eyes once more, you crane your neck back. And even if you couldn’t see the stars you knew where you were looking. You had long since memorized the layout of the sky above your terrace in the Compound. It wasn’t the Tower but you didn’t think you could bear to set foot in it. Not without Tony being there to greet you. 

You could hear the distant murmur of voices beneath you. No doubt the others trying to figure out what to do. The sound causes yet another stab of pain to lance through your heart. While you wouldn’t wish what had happened on your greatest enemy, you couldn’t understand how they survived when Tony didn’t. How they could be using the things he made for them after everything they had done. Didn’t understand why you had to see them every day and not Tony. 

You still remember, with perfect clarity, seeing them again after so long. Remember seeing her again after everything. 

You wished that your heart didn’t still react the way it did. 

Stepping off of the QuinJet, you pull your jacket tighter against your body. Your eyes taking in the various faces as you went. Desperately searching for something familiar to ground you. You needed something to make sense. You needed to have someone you love be okay. 

Spotting a familiar face, you break out into a run. Relief interlacing itself within your shout. “Wombat!”

At your yell, Rhodey whips around and pure relief flashes across his face. His arms are already opening for you as you barrel into him. Burrowing against him as you clung as tightly as you could. 

“You’re okay,” you choke out with tears falling from your eyes. “You’re okay.”

Rhodey’s arms tighten around you at your choked statements. The pain he was holding back showcasing itself within the shaking of his arms. By the way, he followed every minute movement of your body as you shifted in his embrace. Finally, after a few moments, you take a small step back. Making sure that you maintained eye contact with him through it all. You needed him in your sights at all times. You don’t know what you would do if he disappeared too. 

His pained gaze flits to various points behind you. His throat bobbing up and down as he tried to form his question. “Di-” He clears his throat. “Did Pepper make it?”

You nod. “She’s on her way now.”

Rhodey hums but his gaze still hadn’t returned to yours. Causing your own to narrow as worry started to fill your chest. “Rhodey.” You wait for him to turn back towards you. Even if his gaze wouldn’t stay solely on your own for long. “What’s wrong?”

He shakes his head but doesn’t offer an answer. Something that only causes your worry to grow that much more. Rhodey had made it his life's work to deliver the hard truths to family. You didn’t want to think of what this meant that he wasn’t able to tell you. 

Stepping closer, you place a light hand on his chest. “Rhodey,” you implore gently. “What happened?”

There’s a tense silence until he finally meets your gaze. Tears finally begin to fall from his eyes as a pained sound escapes his mouth. “Sam.”

He didn’t have to say anything else for you to understand. You had already seen so many people you knew crumble before your eyes. Seen innocent bystanders disappear with the breeze as their remaining family watched in shock. The screams for help and the mournful howls of grief following soon after. New York City quickly became a desolate wasteland of what it used to be. The City That Never Slept growing quiet. 

Wrapping your arms around Rhodey, you offer him another hug. There were no words that you could say that could take away his pain. No words that would ever make the grief go away. That would ever erase the image of ashen faces crumbling against the wind. Faces of loved ones, of people you didn’t even know, forever seared into your brain. 

Raising your head, you meet Rhodey’s gaze once more. A small frown furrowing your brow. 

“Where’s Tony?”

“We’ll have to take another jet to scope the area for more survivors. I thi-”

Whatever was going to be said was immediately interrupted by your entrance. Not that you cared for anything he had to say. Your gaze honing in on his baby blue one as you made your way towards him. While he didn’t look the same you could still see the self-righteous asshole underneath. Something that caused your anger to grow even more. 

You didn’t notice the other occupants of the room. Didn’t notice the way pained green eyes followed your every move-- even though there was worry interlacing the expression. Didn’t notice anything except for Steven Fucking Rogers. 

Even the splitting pain that erupted across your hand as you punched him did little to detract from your anger. All you could feel was your pain. Your grief at what had happened. No amount of physical pain could ever measure up to your emotional trauma. 

“You asshole,” you snarl. “This is exactly what Tony was afraid of. This is exactly what he tried to protect the world from.”

Steve didn’t make any move to protect himself from your shoves. His blue gaze turning sad; almost remorseful. 

“I know, Y/N.” He turns his head away as shame colors his face. “I know that this is what Tony was afraid of.”

“Don’t you dare say his fucking name like you’re still his friend. Don’t you dare act like what you did didn’t happen.” You scoff as you take a step back from him. Your gaze finally looping the room for the first time. Only briefly pausing over Natasha’s silent form. Hating the relief that flared through your body at the sight of her. An emotion that you were sure crossed your face by the way something shifted in her gaze. By the way, her stance loosened ever-so-slightly. Turning away from her, you meet Steve’s gaze once more. “Tony knew this was going to happen. It’s why he fought so fucking hard for the Accords. Why he fought so hard to keep the team together.”

Anger finally graces Steve’s face at your words. “The Accords were going to treat us as servants, Y/N. There was no way we could sign them.”

An incredulous laugh falls from your lips at your words. “This isn’t the forties, Rogers. You can’t just do whatever the hell you want and expect to get away with it. There have to be limitations on what people with your abilities are allowed to do.” You shake your head as you turn your back on him. Moving towards the door. “Tony was going to fight for your rights. He wasn’t going to let your humanity be stripped from you. But there had to be fail-safes in place to protect the innocent people of Earth.” You shoot him a glance over your shoulder. Withering with its intensity-- with your anger. “Or is one person truly worth more than the millions of lives you destroyed? Or the billions, maybe even trillions, that are now gone because you couldn’t see past your loyalty to him?”

“This isn’t my fault, Y/N.” Steve replies. “This is because of Thanos. He is the one we have to stop.”

A small smile quirks your lips at that. “Still the idealist I see.” You shake your head. “We all made mistakes, Rogers. Could have done things in a different manner. But never forget that you were the one that split the team-up. That you were the one that decided Barnes’s life was worth more than everyone else's.” You chance one more glance towards Steve. Your eyes are sympathetic because you already knew what happened to him. “I’m sorry for your loss. No one deserves to see their loved ones perish like that.”

Even though it’s better than not knowing...

Moving closer towards the door, you place a gentle hand against the wooden surface. Your gaze turning somber as you meet Natasha’s gaze once more. Maintaining eye contact even though you were speaking to the room as a whole. “Maybe the people we should have been protecting the Earth from were you.”

You don’t wait for a response as you’re already gone. The thunderous echo of the door slamming behind you being all that was left of your presence. 

You find Thor outside with an anthropomorphic raccoon. Something that barely causes you to pause as you settle down beside the god. Your gaze remains level with the horizon even as you felt Thor’s gaze on your face. His electric blue eyes like a weight against your skin. 

His deep rumbling voice soon breaks the silence. “Y/N.”

“Thor.”

A silence settles over the three of you. Your gaze never wavering from the setting sun. The silent fields rolling with the wind. A hollowness exuding from the world that left your stomach churning with nausea.

“Is the Man of Iron, all right?” Thor breaks the silence once more. His deep voice is uncharacteristically soft. “I haven’t seen him.”

At the question, your mouth thins into a line. Finally breaking your gaze with the horizon as you met Thor’s. “Tony isn’t here, Thor.”

The revelation causes Thor to reel back. His shock etching itself across his features. “Friend Stark was dusted?”

You shake your head; trying to ignore the pain that struck your chest at the very thought. “No, Thor. He went after Thanos with Peter.”

The God of Thunder’s brow furrows. “So you do not know if he lives?”

You shake your head once more. “No, Thor. I don’t know if Tony is alive or not. I may never know what has happened to him.”

There’s another moment of silence before another voice speaks up. Your gaze shifting towards the raccoons. Deep brown eyes, that reminded you so much of Tony, stare back at you. 

“He’ll be all right. If he’s in space then that means he’s run into my team.” His pointed snout looks back towards the sky with a hint of longing across his face. “They’ll take good care of him.”

At his words, a breath of relief falls from your lips. Your shoulders loosen at the sheer confidence within the raccoon's tone. That is until Thor interjected once more. 

“But what if they were dusted too, Rocket?’

There was no answer. Only the silence of the world, a world that would never be the same, settling over the three of you. Your eyes once again returning towards the sky. 

All with different levels of longing interlaced within.

Staying in Wakanda was stifling. While it was a beautiful country with astonishing marvels, you couldn’t help but be weighed down by everything. From the silent grief that permeated the air because T’Challa was gone. To the dark looks directed towards the sky whenever an airship flew overhead. Not to mention being surrounded by Rogers and his team. 

Pepper’s arrival was like a breath of fresh air. You weren’t sure you were still capable of smiling, with true joy, before she appeared. Her bright blue eyes meet your gaze across the yard. Her own bright smile, with unshed tears filling her gaze, appearing as she rushed towards you. Her slim arms wrapping around you in a tight embrace. The familiar floral scent of her perfume calming you. 

You hadn’t been around when Pepper had seen Steve again. Hadn’t seen the colossal fallout that had occurred but you had definitely heard about it. Thor had been all too happy to tell you the tale of ‘Lady Potts decimating her star-spangled foe’. Something you were more than eager to hear. 

Which is how Pepper had found the two of you. Laughing over Thor’s depiction of events. Her own agitation quickly falling away at your joy. And, while it didn’t last long, you were thankful to Thor for allowing it to appear all the same. 

Returning to the United States, to New York City, was like stepping into a nightmare. At least while you were in Wakanda you could pretend that billions of people weren’t dead. That it hadn’t been something that affected half of the universe. Seeing the empty cars on the side of the road. The few people littering the street looking lost. Faces pale and emotionless as they shuffled aimlessly from place to place. 

It was a sight that you would never forget. Yet another thing that you were going to have nightmares about. 

The Compound wasn’t any better. Echoes of days long passed hitting you with full intensity as you made your way through the silent halls. The laughter that sounded so foreign to your ears now ghosting across your ears on a phantom breeze. Distant chattering that only seemed to fade the closer you got to it. Memories haunted the halls of the Compound. But nothing would ever be worse than the Tower. The place that you and Tony had built together. A great marvel that was forever placed within Manhattan's skyline. Knowing that he wouldn’t be there when you arrived caused you to stay away. 

You didn’t think you would be able to handle those memories. Of lazy Sunday afternoons lounging around in pajamas while Pepper was taking various calls. Tony doing his best to make her break away from her no-nonsense CEO facade. Only succeeding once before Pepper shot him a withering look that held no heat behind it. The sound of his laughter bouncing off the hallways as he cheated at Mario Kart. Your own expletives joined in soon after as you were hit, once again, with a shell. 

Knowing that the Compound did this to you; even though you rarely visited it. How could you possibly set foot in the Tower? The one place that had made you feel truly at home. 

Drinking helped ease the pain. Helped quiet the memories that kept surfacing as you stayed in the Compound. You know that it wouldn’t be what Tony wanted. That he never wanted you to have the problems he had, but as the days passed. As the pain, the grief, continued to grow, you found it harder and harder to resist the amber liquid. Tony wasn’t there anymore. He wasn’t there to tell you a joke when you were feeling low. He wasn’t there to tell you that he loved you in his own special way.

He wasn’t there.

So you settled for the numbness and the sound of his voice in the distance. Always there in a dark corner but never obtainable.

Anything would be better than not having him with you. 

On the second week of your stay in the Compound, the others appeared. The sound of the QuinJet only pulling your gaze towards the yard for a moment before you looked back down. You knew that they would be coming sooner or later. The world needed protectors. And they had just lost their greatest. The people of Earth needed to have someone to look towards. 

It was only a matter of time before they called on them. 

You didn’t even raise your gaze when you heard them enter. Their voices petering off when they noticed you sitting on one of the many couches with a StarkPad in hand. 

“You didn’t think I would just let you stay here by yourselves, did you?”

Your question was only met by silence. You were hoping that they didn’t question you on how you knew. That they didn’t notice the dark shadows under your eyes from lack of sleep. Or the empty decanter on the glass table before you. 

Steve was the one to respond. “We didn’t but I wasn’t aware it was going to be you, Y/N.”

Glancing up, you narrow your eyes. “Well, I’m the only Stark left so it shouldn’t be that much of a surprise, Rogers.”

You don’t wait for a response, suddenly finding it too hard to be in the same room as him, as you stand. Trying to ignore the way the room spun ever-so-slightly at the motion. Easily gathering your bearings as you made your way out of the room.

Trying to ignore the way an emerald green gaze watched you as you left. 

You weren’t surprised when she found you-- annoyed maybe but not surprised. Sometimes you hated that she knew you so well. Hated that she could still read you like a children's book. 

You didn’t bother to turn towards her as she stepped onto the terrace. Your gaze remains level with the horizon. Hoping, no matter how much it hurt, that you would see something. Anything. A single sign that Tony was coming back to you. That he was alive. 

Feeling her warm presence settle beside you should have caused you to tense. Should have caused you to move away at the closeness. It should have caused you to do a lot of things but you don’t. You simply stay rooted to the spot as Natasha leveled her gaze towards the side of your face. Her keen green eyes took in everything that she could see. 

You tried not to tense when her eyes flickered down towards your hands. Towards the glass that, by some miracle, hadn’t broken due to your tight grip. The amber liquid glowing softly underneath the moonlight. 

She doesn’t say anything for a long while. Simply standing with you underneath the moonlit sky. The only sound passing between you being your breathing. 

Until her husky voice finally breaks the silence. “He wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself, Y/N.”

You tense. “And how would you know what Tony wants Natalia?” 

You didn’t have to be looking at her to see the wince that you caused. Your own heart feeling heavy at your acidic retort. But, unlike most people, she didn’t shy away from your anger. She didn’t even seem to be fazed by it.

“Because, despite what you may think, I still consider you and Tony my family. I know how much Tony loves you, Y/N. I know how much you love him.” She grows silent for a moment before she continues. Her tone much softer than it was before. “And I know how much I love you.”

Your eyes slip shut at the quiet admission. A painful lurch of your heart telling you what you had been trying to ignore for the last two years. That you love Natasha Romanoff. That you always would… no matter what. 

“That’s not fair,” you whisper. Finally turning your gaze to meet hers. “You can’t just come back into my life after two years and say those things to me. You can’t just say you love me like it’s going to fix anything.”

Her eyes flash. Turning razor sharp before your eyes as she steps closer. “It could change everything, Y/N.” Emerald green implores you to listen to her. To actually hear and understand what she was trying to say. “I love you, Y/N Stark. You are the love of my life. You are the only love of my life. I hate myself for hurting you. For breaking us apart because I couldn’t see the bigger picture. You are the only woman that has ever made me feel cherished. The only person that has ever made me feel truly loved.”

You shake your head. “You left, Natasha.”

“Because you told me to,” Natasha cries. Her green gaze grew even brighter because of unshed tears. “Do you think I wouldn’t have stayed? That I wouldn’t have fought tooth and nail to keep you? That I wouldn’t have let this whole world burn if it meant I could be with you for one more moment? You told me to leave, Y/N. I had already broken enough that day. I wasn’t going to stay and break your heart even more.”

“And you think this time will be any different?” You ask with an incredulous frown pulling your brow down. “You think that I don’t have nightmares about my parents death? That I don’t see my mother being murdered while my father couldn’t do anything but watch? You think that I’m not haunted every single fucking day that the love of my life kept that from me. That you lied to my face about one of the single most important things in my life.” Moving away, after setting your glass down, you run a hand through your hair. Your mouth thinning into a line. “You don’t think I wanted you to stay too?”

At your admission, Natasha moves towards you. Her gaze desperate as she took your hand in hers. “This time I will, Y/N. I won’t let you go again. Doing so last time almost killed me. I promise that I won’t ever lie to you again.” She shakes her head as she takes another small step closer, her hand resting gently against your cheek. “I promise that I’ll love you the way you should be loved until our last dying breaths.”

Your eyes flutter shut at the touch. It had been too long since you had felt her. Felt the way her fingertips ran across your cheek. The simple elegance that she always exuded being interlaced with her love for you. But you couldn’t forget what had happened. Your heart lurching in your chest as you remember the sting of betrayal once more. 

Pulling away from her, you take a few steps back and fold your arms over your chest. You needed to have distance between your bodies. You wouldn’t be able to think clearly if she was near. 

“I need time to think, Natasha.” You finally say after a tense stare off. “I need to come to terms with a lot of things in my life.”

Nodding, Natasha takes a small step back. Even though it looked like everything in her body was telling her to move towards you. Her green gaze glowed with a gentle warmth. “I’ll wait for as long as you need, Y/N. I’ll be damned if I lose you again.” Turning away from you, Natasha pauses at the door. Her gaze meets yours once more with a small smile quirking her lips. “And, just so you know, I had nothing before I found this family. Before I found you.”

Then she was gone. Leaving only you and the echoing of her words behind. 

Now…

You haven't truly spoken to Natasha since the exchange. She had kept true to her word about waiting for you. Her gaze always finds yours the moment you enter a room she was in. Always making it clear that you could approach her whenever you wished to. Though she never forced her presence onto you. Maintaining a respectable distance from you at all times. Not far enough for you to not know she was there but not close enough for you to feel crowded. 

You had tried to come up with ways why you couldn’t let her back in. Her betrayal being the main factor but even you knew that it wasn’t valid any longer. Even Tony had told you to look past it. That Natasha was so head over heels for you that her reasons had been honorable. Severely misguided, maybe, but honorable. 

Oh, Tony, if you were here I wouldn’t feel so lost. You would just tell me what to do. Give me your patented smirk and berate me about my head being up my ass. Lowering your gaze, you run a frazzled hand through your hair. If I get one sign that you’re alright I’ll give her one more chance. I’ll make it work because I know that this is what the universe wants. That you returning to me is a sign that I’m supposed to be with Natasha. 

At your eternal declaration, you glance towards the sky. Hope fills your chest as you observe the moonlit sky. Only to quickly be crushed as the minutes ticked by and nothing happened. Your heart breaks even more in your chest at getting your hopes up. 

Stepping back from the railing, you decide that it would be best if you headed in. Maybe drown your sorrows with a few glasses of whiskey before turning in for the night. Pressing your hand against the smooth glass of the door, you have to squint at the sudden light from behind you. Your eyes barely being able to focus through the brilliant blaze. Glancing behind you, your eyes widen at the sight of a spaceship being placed down onto the ground. Your breath catching in your throat as you leapt into action. 

You didn’t even register your mad dash through the Compound. Didn’t notice the confused looks or the shouts of your name. Didn’t register the cold grass against your bare feet as you rushed across the lawn. All you could see was the spaceship. 

All you could see was the hatch opening and two figures exiting. 

All you could see was the exhausted face of your older brother. His dark brown eyes meet yours through the darkness. Relief flooding his expression as he hobbled towards you. Disconnecting from the blue arm that was keeping him steady. 

All you could register was the feeling of having him in your arms again. Your nose pressing into his neck as you clung to him. Soft sobs rip from your throat as his calloused hands gently run through your hair. 

“You’re alive.”

It was like a mantra that you brokenly repeated over and over again. Each time making it even more real that Tony was actually there with you. That he wasn’t gone. That you could still see, touch, and hear him.

His answering response never failed to bring more tears cascading down your cheeks. “I’m here.”

You could hear the others as they approached you. By the tensing of Tony in your arms you know that Rogers was at the front. Pulling back, you touch Tony’s face. A soft sob falling from your lips at how emaciated he looked.

Offering him a watery smile, your thumb gently rubbing against his cheek. “We’ll have to get some food for you. I don’t think the space diet suits you, Tones.”

He offers you a small smile in return. The familiar spark reigniting in his gaze before fading away. His next words came out in a dull whisper. “I lost the kid.”

You didn’t know what to say to that. Your own shock filled you as the devastation in Tony’s eyes became apparent. You had known for quite some time that Tony thought of Peter like a son. That Tony would do anything to keep him safe. You viewed Peter as a little brother you always wanted. A warm presence that filled your life with meaning once more. His childish antics brightening your day and bringing a smile to your face. Knowing that he was gone? That you would never hear his horrible jokes again? Or his anxious rambles? It broke your heart. For both losing Peter and for Tony having to witness it. 

“I’m sorry, Tony.” You shake your head. “He was a good kid.”

“Yeah he was.”

Opening your mouth, you’re about to respond but a shrill cry breaks through. “Tony!”

Turning, you could see Pepper rushing towards you both. Her blue gaze locked with Tony as she ran. Without thinking twice you move aside as Pepper takes your spot. Moving away to give her and Tony some privacy. Or however much one could get in an open lawn. 

Not realizing how close you were to the others, you flinch at the sudden presence at your side. Your gaze meeting Natasha’s. Her green gaze filled with warmth and happiness. A small smile quirking her lips as she observes the scene before her. Pepper’s strong hold on Tony not wavering in the slightest even as Rhodey appeared too. Both taking their turns in showering the genius with hugs. 

Shifting, your hand gently brushes the back of Natasha’s. Her eyes shifted towards yours for a moment before returning front and center. Biting your lip, you deliberate on what to do. As Natasha had clearly just given you the sign that the ball was in your court. That however you reacted to this situation would be all up to you. 

You could step away. Pretend like nothing had happened. That it had been a simple accident and nothing more.

Or you could take her hand and finally accept what your heart was screaming at you. What it had been trying to tell your stubborn mind for the last two years. That Natasha Romanoff was the love of your life and you were never going to find anyone like her. That despite all this tragedy you could learn how to be happy again because she was by your side. 

I did promise the universe, you muse with amusement dancing across your mind. And I don’t like breaking promises. 

So, without breaking eye contact with the scene in front of you, you take Natasha’s hand. Allowing a small smile to quirk your lips at the way she immediately interlaced her fingers with yours. Noticing the warm smile that was now curling her lips through your peripheral. 

Squeezing her hand, your heart leapt in your chest at the answering squeeze in response. Your body singing with happiness at having Natasha returned to you. 

Despite everything, despite all the hardships you would now have to face, you would be able to do so.

As long as you had Natasha by your side you could get through anything. 

And nothing would ever change that. 

[catflorist]

Stars (ao3/ffn) catflorist warning: major character death

Sasuke joined the Akatsuki for simple reasons. He heard they had a plan to destroy the shinobi world, and he wanted a part of it. 

As a blizzard raged in the cold northern air, he followed a dark-robed figure into a passageway carved into the cliffside of a snow-capped mountain. The tunnel twisted and turned, snaking past cavernous rooms and rocky chambers. Akatsuki forces milled about everywhere, red clouds hovering on dark cloaks everywhere he looked. His guide, Konan, led him past without stopping.

“Where are you taking me?”

“To our leader,” Konan said, leading him deeper. “She says she knows you.”

He was sure they were halfway through the mountain before she stopped by a metal door. 

“Wait here.” 

She knocked and the door opened a crack. Whispered words were exchanged, too low for Sasuke to overhear.

“You’ll have to wait,” Konan said. “She's still bathing.”

Sasuke was annoyed. Why was Karin going through these theatrics? He hadn’t seen her for months, not since disbanded the team and left to face Itachi alone. How she’d ended up in the Akatsuki he couldn't guess. Not only that, she somehow had all of them tiptoeing around her. 

“Tell Karin I don't have time to wait,” he snapped.

Konan gave him a curious look, but stayed silent.

“What?”

“Enter,” a voice called from inside. The way it echoed off the rock, it didn't sound like Karin’s voice at all.

He stormed in. Torches lit the dark room in a flickering glow, and the air felt warm. A shadowed figure rose from a steaming pool of water. An attendant held out a billowing Akatsuki robe, helping guide arms through sleeves. 

When the light caught her face, shock ripped through him. Because it wasn’t Karin.

Her pink hair was dripping wet, her cheeks hollowed. She pulled on glasses over red-rimmed eyes pinched with pain, the green irises huge beneath the thick lenses. The dark robe slipped off bare, bony shoulders—was that all she was wearing? He averted his eyes, stared at the steam curled in the air. His guard down, his chakra stretched out to meet hers of its own accord. But there was nothing. 

He recoiled. How was that possible? She should be dead.

A diamond mark on her forehead pulsed like the core of a star, the only part of her with any vitality, energy. That and her eyes—they were still bright and sharp. The rest was fading.

“It's good to see you,” Sakura said.

.

.

It didn’t take long for Sasuke to understand. The chakra stored in Sakura’s seal was all that kept her alive, and one day it would run out. 

At the same time, it all depended on her, it seemed, the meticulously planned attack on the shinobi world. She was its life force. Every ounce of her remaining chakra was rationed and monitored, planned in advance for that day. It was all anyone talked about, the reason why heads lowered in respect when speaking Sakura’s name.

To fill his time Sasuke accepted mission after mission. He brought back intel, took out troublesome political figures, and weakened supply chains, doing anything they asked of him to prepare for the attack on Konoha, three months away.

He avoided Sakura.

One night Konan pushed aside the curtain hanging in the door of his small chamber, an alcove in the stone set apart from the other Akatsuki members. “You’re back. What was it this time?”

“We intercepted a shipment of weapons,” he said. “They’re waiting in the meeting room.”

“When do you set out again?”

“I don’t know yet. What do you want?”

Konan met his eyes. “She wants to see you.”

He crossed his arms. “Tell her I'm busy.”

“You think you’re so important,” she said in that calm, mild way of hers. “You wouldn’t act this way, if you truly understood the magnitude of what she’s doing for us. For the world.”

Overcome with sudden anger, Sasuke forgot he came to the Akatsuki willingly, that each day he helped advance its mission. That he too hated what their world had done to his family. 

“It's all for nothing!” he spat. “You’re throwing her away. For nothing.”

“You’re selfish. It’s no wonder you don’t understand sacrifice.”

He grit his teeth. “Find another way.”

“She’s dying already,” she said. “She’s just making something from the time she has left. What have you done with your life?”

Sakura was frozen. Dying. Sasuke pictured her in a land of ice, the snowy expanse that surrounded the mountain lit by a weak and wintery sun. Perhaps she could stretch her life a few years, each day lighting her chakra no brighter than a candle’s fire, barely warming her hands in the cold. 

Instead she would burn up all at once, quick and hot and bright, like an exploding star, and maybe something would grow after the flames cooled. Fire always led to life in some way after all. She would not wait to freeze to death. 

“Go away,” Sasuke snarled. The curtain was already flapping in the doorway.

.

.

Sasuke stormed through the hideout after a botched assignment. What should have been a simple scouting mission had turned into a bloodbath after a surprise ambush. The hidden villages were growing more hostile and clever as the day of the attack drew nearer. 

He didn’t pay attention to his loud footsteps, the eyes following him in fear, until a figure darted into his path. One of Sakura’s attendants, blocking his way with an outstretched arm, a finger held to her lips. 

“What?”

“She's asleep.” Her voice was hushed, like discussing a sleeping god. Not his old, annoying pink-haired teammate. 

Sasuke stepped back. “So?”

“It's the first time in three days.”

Sasuke realized the hideout was utterly quiet except for their conversation. If he listened hard enough he might hear snow falling outside. 

An old memory flashed through him. When they were genin, taking missions as a team, how much Sakura hated waking up in the morning. She’d groan and clutch her pillow, though she’d always get up and help him with their breakfast anyway. That Sakura would never struggle to fall asleep for three days. How things had changed.

Sasuke knew when she woke up, because the deathly silence in the compound lifted. Foot traffic picked up again, the scent of cooking food from the mess hall drifted through the halls.

He walked down the twisted passageway to the metal door, following the route he’d memorized, though he hadn’t ventured this way since Konan led him the first time. He pushed open the doors without knocking.

A wide futon was spread on the ground, where Sakura lay against soft pillows. Her eyes were closed, but he could tell from the stiffness of her shoulders that she was awake.

“Sakura,” he said.

Her head turned, set deep in the pillows like it held a heavy weight. She did not look surprised to see him, did not ask why he’d avoided her for weeks. “Sit down.”

With some reluctance, he lowered himself on the edge of the futon. Steam curled in the air, and water gurgled somewhere hidden, feeding the spring. Beneath the blanket, Sakura’s legs shifted gingerly.

“What happened to you?” he said.

“It’s this world,” she said. “Person after person, sent out to get killed. To protect someone else’s money, or goods, or to fight in pointless wars. And the survivors, they sent them all to me. It never ended.”

She closed her eyes again. “I healed, and healed, until something inside me broke. I couldn’t make chakra anymore. Without my seal I would have died then and there.”

Without meaning to, Sasuke’s hand stretched out, brushing her forehead, where the mark lay. Her brow was feverishly hot. 

“That’s nice,” she whispered. He was about to pull away, but his fingers changed course, trailing into her hair, drawing a sigh. He didn’t know what to do. It was a long time since he’d tried to be gentle. He tried to think of what he liked as a child, the comforting touches he received from his mother, or Itachi, a lifetime ago.

When he finally lifted his hand, the cords of her neck seemed less tense, her head less heavy on the pillow.

She exhaled. “I was dying. I’d given everything away, but still they wanted more. That’s why I’m here. The way this world is, it can’t go on. Everything I have left is going into changing it.”

“This world won’t change,” he muttered.

A thin arm emerged from the blankets, fumbling at her bedside for her glasses. She slipped the frames on, appraising him with large eyes. “Then why are you here?”

.

.

This new Sakura was a stranger in many ways. She carried herself with a quiet calmness, a stillness, like she’d lived longer than her years. When she walked down the corridors of the hideout, heads bowed. At gatherings, she barely needed to speak louder than a whisper, because everyone listening hung onto her every word. 

Knowing she favored him, the members of the Akatsuki looked differently at Sasuke, too. They brought him into their meeting rooms, seeking his advice and ideas. He learned why each of them wanted to destroy the shinobi system. Its claws had harmed others beyond himself. He started to believe they could truly build something new. Something better, that would never force older brothers into cruel and heartless choices.

When Sasuke returned from a mission he found Sakura sitting on a ledge under the stars, snow gently falling around her. They were high up on the mountain, but the sky was white and hazy in all directions, so he could barely tell where they were or what lay in the distance beyond the haze.

“What are you doing out here? It’s cold.”

“I like the fresh air.”

He sat next to her, knowing it was useless to argue. Everyone knew Sakura did as she wanted. 

“My father used to use his katon on days like this. His fireball was strong enough to span the whole length of the lake. But when it was cold, he used it to warm his breath.”

“Show me,” she said.

His hands shaped the quick signs. When he exhaled, a soft puff of fire curled out, a flash of red and orange warming their icy surroundings. “Like this.”

Sakura watched him with furrowed brows. “Can you teach me?”

“Yes, but…” He stopped, tried again. “You can’t...”

“I can’t use my chakra,” she said. “But I can still learn.”

He took her hands. “Serpent, ram, monkey, boar, horse, tiger.” He didn’t need to, but he shaped her fingers through the signs. “Pull the chakra into your throat. Let it churn. Exhale.”

Sakura mimed the signs, paused in concentration so the chakra could build. Of course, it was only pretend. She exhaled. Her cold breath hung in the air, the furthest thing from fire.

“Thank you. I understand now. Your katon always fascinated me.” She opened her eyes. “Once, I saw you practicing in the distance. I secretly hoped, one day, you would teach me yourself.”

Bitterness filled him. “Not like this.”

“This is enough,” she said, her voice kind.

He thought about young Sakura—energetic and talkative, irritating, nervous around him. He pictured her, watching as he exhaled fire, wishing. The way her voice sounded as she spoke to his back, because he didn’t have the strength to turn and look at her, begging him to stay, or to take her with him. 

“Did you mean what you said? The night I left?”

For once she didn’t meet his eyes. “That I loved you? Yes, I meant it.” Then her calm returned. “I’m glad you’ve thought about it since then.”

He felt the urge to throw her off guard, to catch a glimpse of the girl from his memories.

“You still love me,” he accused.

Her eyes seemed to sadden. She touched his face, her hand growing warm. He wrenched away, but it was too late. A cut on his cheek was healed. 

He held his cheek like she had burned him. “What are you thinking?”

“I’m in control. I know how much I have left. Shouldn’t I be able to do what I want with it?”

Her hand remained outstretched. He gripped her wrist tightly, so tight it must hurt, and threw it away from himself.

“Don’t ever do that again.”

.

.

“Why are you always bathing?” Sasuke asked her once.

Shameless, she stood up in the bath, reaching for her robe. He tried very hard to ignore her body, only glancing up when he was sure the robe was around her. The front hung loose, only her hand clasping it together.

“It hurts less in the water.”

Her eyes always gave everything away. Even when they were kids. They said everything she was thinking. When he met her eyes now, he was dazed to find unguarded curiosity, desire. The difference now was she put it bluntly to words.

“Haven't you wondered?” she said.

He would be lying if he said he hadn’t. He was wondering now, painfully aware of how his body was reacting to her there, so close, so easy to touch. 

“It doesn't matter,” he said. “You’re—you’re sick.” Dying. But he couldn't say that. “I could hurt you.”

“I've never been as fragile as you thought I was.”

She let the cloak slip. It draped down low, revealing the narrow expanse from the hollow of her throat to the space between her breasts. Sasuke heard a small noise escape his throat, a strangled cry. And he was crossing the room, because he couldn't refuse her, not when it was something he also wanted so badly. Each footfall shed away the time and distance built up between them, laying in his wake like shed layers, so by the time he got to her he already felt naked. 

He walked straight into her touch, her palm pressing against his heart, the other curling around his nape. He slipped her glasses off, let them fall, secretly hoping they’d break on the stone ground. He hated them.

In the dark, as he leaned in to kiss her, he could almost imagine they were somewhere else. In a soft bedroom, in a life they lived together, elsewhere. But he could not ignore the echoes sounding off the rock walls, the feeling of emptiness handing over their heads, the cold pressing in.

.

.

Sasuke stared up at the sky, his back to the dirt.

Around him, battle was waging. The day they’d all been waiting for, fueled with Sakura’s remaining chakra, was almost over. He didn’t know which way the tide was pulling now. He could only feel the hole in his side and know for him it was over.

When he next opened his eyes, everything was green, like he was lying on the forest floor. It wasn’t what he expected death to be like. But Sakura was there, leaning over him. He smiled, washed with relief. At least, even in this place, they had found each other. It was such a comfort, it didn’t matter to him what happened next.

He tried to sit up, and pain tore through him, though it was fading quickly. His eyelids drooped. Sakura’s hands shifted across his body, so warm.

“Can I go back to sleep?” he mumbled.

She cupped his cheek. “Yes, my love.”

He almost listened to her, but strange sounds reached his ears. Metal clashing, screaming. He cracked open his heavy eyes. A body lay close by, red staining the ground beneath. Above him, Sakura’s face was streaked with dirt and tears.

“What are you doing?” he hissed.

“My part is over,” she said, hands rooted to his chest like an ancient tree to the earth, unwavering and sure. “I have some left. Just enough.”

His body rippled with an electric shock. “Don’t, Sakura!” 

He struggled to move, but she held him down with an iron grip.

“Just take it!” she cried. “What else would I do with it?”

It was always coming to this, he knew. But he wasn’t ready. He needed her to stay just a little longer. There was so much he still needed to tell her. 

“One more day,” he begged. “You could stay just one more day.” 

Her green eyes were like a storm, and as she steamed the last of her chakra into him, she didn’t look like she was dying. She looked as strong as he remembered. “If I stop now you’ll die.”

That night, when he left the village, he should have taken her with him. Taken her far, far, away. Why had he left her there? What use were his prized eyes and Uchiha blood if he couldn’t see the right choice to make? 

“Don't leave,” he gasped. It was hard to see her, tears blurring his vision. “Please don't leave.”

Her hands softly slipped from his chest. “It’s okay, Sasuke-kun.” Her voice came from far away. “Just go back to sleep.”

The mark faded from her forehead like a star at dawn.

.

.

Konoha fell. The world was raw and overturned. Burning, and growing, and burning, and growing. One day, Sasuke would want to see it. For now he returned to the mountain, to Sakura’s pool.

He floated in the water, weightless, aching with the life she’d given him.

.

.

.

.

notes: a longer multi chapter is coming soon, but for now take this, and sorry

[gardenflowerswriting]

Fucking Jelly (Syverson x Reader)

Summary: Reader is a Doctor who cannot stand the captain, yet when he asks for help, they can’t say no. 

Type: playfullbanter/fluff         Gif: andsowewalkalone               Word Count: 4k

You were threading a small stitch in a mans arm as you heard talking behind you, "this here is Y/L/N." You rolled your eyes, stopping to turn and see Syverson giving his tours to the new people, "go to her if you get a boo boo, she's good with those." You lowered your mask, "Fuck off Syverson, I'm busy." "She won't bite," his thick accent annoyed you to no end. You gave a joking silent laugh and flipped him off, your blue gloves too big for your hands. "Alright boys, this way." 

You tied off the ending of the string and gave the soldier some ibuprofen, lowering your mask and taking off your gloves, "read the label, and take what's prescribed," you picked up your clipboard and began writing, "if the pain does not subside, or you believe the injury to be infect, you must go to the base compound and be evaluated there. I do not have the supplies nor medication to deal with infections." You watched the blonde haired boy nod his head. You were just saying all the basic things they told you-you had to. You had that shit memorized verbatim. You wrote his info as you kept going, "I can provide you with alcohol pads that you can rub on them to clean them." You turned around to open the cabinet and hand them to him, "and for god fucking sake don't try to eat them or get drunk off them." He took them, and smirked "people do that?" You focused back on the form, "you would be surprised.” Returning to write down the soldiers name, “But, I'm done with you so can you get the next person if there is anyone?" "Yeah, thanks doc." You nodded your head and turned back to the small filing cabinet, you had to put his paper away and grab a fresh sheet. You washed your hands in the small sink and heard steps behind you as someone sat down, "alright," you got new gloves and you reached for your pen, turning, "what can I do for you toda-" you were stopped by a smiling Syverson dangling his feet off the one tall chair in the room. You dropped your shoulders, "What are you doing here?" "I came to see you doc." "Oh my god," you leaned against the tan cabinets, "For fucks sake? You know I have actual people to see and help, not you?" His brows moved together, "what? With the little needle you carry around?" You locked your jaw, "I could do a lot with that needle, and that's what they supply me with. Maybe if they gave me more I could do more." He smiled, lifting his hand to shoo away the conversation, "no ones out there anyway. Thought I'd ask you a question." You rolled your eyes, "Syverson, if you're gonna ask me to go on a date you know the answer already." He smirked, "now doc, is that all you think about? A captain asking you on a date," you crossed your arms and glared at him. You could see him try and hold in his laugh, "no, I do have a question, a real one." You raised your brow watching, waiting, "you know a lot about human biology?" "I'm here aren't I?" "Oo, doc no need to get sour on me, I just need you to take a look at one of the dogs that we found outside." You moved your brows together, "a dog? . . I don't know anything about dogs." "Yeah, well you know about humans, they're pretty close are they not?" You stared at him in disbelief, "what? No." "Come on, a quick look, you liked Aika, this dog is no different." You sighed, Aika was cute, and when you could, you made sure to play with her outside. "You never asked me to examine Aika." "I did not say 'examine'" You narrowed your eyes, "then what do you want." He smiled, "we might have some pups coming soon." Your face went flat, "the dog is pregnant?!" "Come on doc, ain't nobody in the hall for you, take a 10 minute break?" You stared at him, trying to decide if you should trust him or not. Finally, rolling your eyes you lifted yourself off the cabinets, "where's the dog?" He smiled, "follow me." You kept your gloves on as he led you through three hallways to his room. He got a room to himself, bastard, so he was somewhat far off from everyone else, "she's been here for a while and only moved to get eat or drink." He pushed the door open and you were greeted with Aika, "hi babes." You spoke softly at her as you began to scratch behind her ear.  She jumped up on you, "Aika down!" His tone was sharp and stern, like he was talking to soldiers who were under him. You gave him a side eye, "she's fine, you know that." "I'm trying to teach her not to do that," he sighed, "this way." He guided you to a bigger dog, fatter in her belly and her nipples were prominent, "you needed me to tell you she's pregnant?" Now this just seemed like a set up to get you in his room.  You bent down to kneel by her side, "No," you scratched her stomach lightly, she looked like Aika, but with the obvious belly. Her fur was also almost all black, "I need you to tell me when she'll give birth. She whines a lot at night and like I said she don't move." You looked up at him, and almost laughed, "Syverson," his stern features didn't shift, "I'm a doctor, not a vet? I have no idea when she'll give birth." He crossed his arms and you rose back to your feet, "all I can say is to wait it out. She will when those pups are ready." He put his hand to his mouth before scratching his chin through his thick beard, thinking, "I can't raise puppies." You smiled at him, "I'll help," he gave you a coy look. Which in turn, made you side eye him, "oh sweetie not for you," looking back down at the soon to be mom, who was panting in the heat, "for the puppies." He grunted and you looked back at him, "what'll you name her?" He squinted down at the dog, "I don't know yet. . . what's your middle name?" "Syverson-" You drew out his name, annoyed.  "No seriously, what is it?" You rolled your eyes, "Y/M/N." (Your/middle/name) "Settles it," he knelt down to the dog and rubbed behind her ears, "Y/M/N," he looked up to you and smiled. After then, you didn't think of the momma anymore, while Syverson constantly made sure to bring her up on your radar. But, today you had seen twenty-two guys which was far from normal, and being you were the only one on base who knew how to give proper stitches and offer medical care in your make shift clinic, you wanted to sleep. Your room was with some of the other female soldiers, but they were nice to you so you didn't care too much. As you were getting ready for bed, you brushed your teeth, let your hair down from it's bun and got it a little wet, so it would return to its normal form. You looked in the mirror and felt dead, wearing a tan t-shirt with no bra and shorts that were too short, but wouldn’t be uncomfortable under your cargo pants (in the instance you needed to get dressed quick). You shuffled to your bed and closed your eyes. "Y/N," you felt your body shake furiously and in an instant, your eyes opened and you reached for the gun you kept at the side of your bed. "No," the dark figure grabbed at your arm and when you went to scream a strong hand covered your mouth, "aye! It's me! It's Syverson." You squinted at the figure and could make out the beard, "Shumveson?" It was muffled because of his hand. He put his finger to his mouth, "shh, you gotta come with me." "Hmm?" Again, the idiot had his hand over your mouth. They really let the dumbest people be captains. "Y/M/N." It took you a minute but then you remembered and nodded your head. "Come on." He let go of your mouth and backed up. When you stood to walk, you whimpered from the pain in your feet, but you followed him to his room, the walk was silent except for your cries of pain. "I think she's having them, I gave her my shirt to lay on." You looked over to his body, "is that why you are suddenly without clothes?" He didn't wear a shirt and only his cargo shorts, which were loosely hanging around his waist. He rolled his eyes at you, "says the girl who's boobs and ass are hanging out." You moved your brows together and felt slightly self conscious, but turned your attention to the dog. "I need you to go to my office and grab two sets of gloves, and probably some Benadryl. Get me some food too." You lowered to be level with the dog. "You're hungry right now?" "Are you dumb? It's to put the pills in and feed to her. Go!" He did as you said and all you could do was scratch as the girls face, "shh, baby," she let out whimpers and you were afraid she would wake people up. He came back and dropped the materials next to you, "get the gloves on when the puppies start to come." He nodded his head and sat down on your free side, "okay baby, we're gonna help you." You looked to Syverson, "she should know how to do this herself, so it's just waiting. But when the puppies are all out, we will figure out the genders then lay them next to her so she can clean them, keep them warm, and let them eat," he nodded his head, receiving all your orders, "get the food you brought and lather them up in Benadryl." "Can dogs have that?" "yes, and it's all we have," she whimpered again and you both looked down to her. He shifted to grab something from the side of his bed, and when you looked, it was a jar of jelly. You almost gasped, "what the hell? You have jelly?!" He cracked the lid open and used his finger to scoop out a chunk, looking to you, "what? My mom mailed it over." You were still jealous. "I hate you," you muttered. He gave her two pills and you both sat watching on the cold tile floor, it was like watching water boil. After about half and hour, he jumped, exclaiming: "I see a head!" You put your hand over his mouth, "she needs to be at peace right now! Don't disrupt her." You felt his tongue against your palm, which made you with draw quickly, "ew!" He smiled, "you liked it." You could only roll your eyes, but you felt his arm wrap around your back pulling you to sit in between his legs, "look," his voice was deep in your ear, which almost put you in a sleepy trans. But you followed to where his finger was pointing, which was to the small head of puppy coming out. You smiled, sitting criss-cross in between his thick body, "you're gonna be a dad." You spoke softly. You could see his hands rest on his knees, "damn, that makes you the step mama." You couldn't help but laugh, while shaking your head, knowing he smiled at you from behind You didn't notice it, but as the longer you both watched the puppies arrive, the deeper you were in his lap. You laid your head against his fury chest while he rested one hand behind him to support you both and the other laid gently against your body. You had gotten so tired, you jumped when his deep voice rose again, vibrating against your head, "you think she's done." You rose quick and looked around, darting to her and the puppies surrounding her nipples to drink. "Um," you rubbed your eyes, "yeah. We can count them and know the genders I guess." "Alright," he shifted from his position, "we could've moved to the bed instead of making me sit on the hard ass floor." You shook your head, "I didn't mean to fall asleep," you yawned a little, looking over at him, "what time is it?" He checked his watch, "4:08" you nodded and moved closer to Y/M/N, he was close behind you, settling at your side as you both looked at her in awe. "Good job babe," you rubbed her head, she welcomed it and kept her mouth open panting. You could hear him getting his gloves on, "Let's see," he picked up one and checked the underside, "girl." You looked to the puppy, her little eyes were still closed and she was so tiny in his hands, "what's gonna be her name?" He took a long look at her, "Doc . . . for doctor." You rolled your eyes and met his gaze, "i want to keep this one and for her name to be doc." He looked so serious about it that you felt your heart pick up. You shuffled closer to him and watched as he set the puppy down, "fine, but the next ones name is gonna be cap for captain." You knew he was smiling, and by the end of you guys going back in forth with names, you had seven puppies, four girls (Doc, Ivy, Ace, and Lyn) with three boys (Cap, Sage and Hendrix). By the time you were done arguing on the names, it was 4:42 AM. You both got up at six hundred hours normally, and you knew if you fell asleep you'd be out. "What some coffee?" He asked after you two were done admiring the cute little puppies and their whimpers. You nodded your head, "you can sit on the bed, it's softer," he got up and disappeared from the room. You scooted to the mattress and first thing you noticed was how much nicer it was than your own. You leaned your head against the wall and when he came back with two mugs you gave him a glare, "your own room, a jar of jelly, and a soft ass bed." He smiled, handing you the cup, "it pays to have a momma that loves ya, and I guess a good position." You rolled your eyes and blew on the coffees surface, watching the steam rise from it. He picked up the container in one hand and tossed it on your crossed legs, "take it." You looked up at him and he walked towards you, laying down next to you, putting his weight on his elbow so he could look at you. You felt yourself frown, "I can't take it." He shook his head, "that's what I'll pay you in, Berry jelly." "Pay me?" He smiled, taking a sip of the black coffee, "for helping." That almost made you snort, "I fell asleep? Really Sy, you should have it, it's from your family. I'm good with the beans and noodles." "Let me see it," he rested his coffee on the bed, letting it sit against his chest as you handed him the jar and he unscrewed the top, showing you the delicious looking substance. You felt your mouth water, "take some." When he could tell you were resilient, he nudged it closer to you again. You pulled one hand from your coffee mug and let two fingers dig into the jar, coming out with a beautiful scoop of the substance. He watched closely as you put your fingers in your mouth and moaned, which made him all the more tentative. His eyes scanned over your body, and took a long glance at your chest knowing you weren't wearing a bra. Your eyes were closed as you threw you head back against the wall, "that good?" It was so sweet and tart at the same time, it almost made you feel like you were in his hometown. You could imagine him picking berries for the mixture and helping to smash them with his mom, it was so cute. When you finally opened your eyes, your smile was giddy, "like an orgasm." "Well doc if I would've know it was that easy I would've given it to you the first day I saw you." You looked straight at the paint chipped wall, still feeling in a daze of jelly happiness, as you shook your head, "no, you could never get me like that." He watched your every move, licking his lips, "wanna make that a bet." Your head shifted down to him, and you looked at him with the most loving eyes he had ever seen, "this was fun." Before lowering to kiss his cheek, you stopped at his ear, "I'll come by tonight and look at how the kids are doing?" He nodded his head and you pressed a kiss to his cheek. It was quick, but it left a warm print on his skin, and made your chin rub against his beard. "Bye Sy." He hummed, and watched you lift yourself from his bed. He watched your ass as you tiptoed and opened his door lightly, giving him one last glance before you disappeared into the hall. "Fuck." He muttered looking to the jar he laughed, "fucking jelly." 

[curious-minx]

Review of the first episode of The Great North (plus some sad Bob’s Burgers’ news)

2021.

I was going to begin my review of the pilot episode of The Great North, the sister sister series of Bob’s Burgers, with my trademark  snarky and slanted curlicue wit... Instead, I am reckoning with the headline of the death of Bob’s Burgers character designer, Dave Creek.

Dave Creek.

Type his name out and put it in comic sans and you can see it’s a name meant to be involved with TV. One of the rare individuals to pass away from something other than Covid-19 or our rising totalitarian government. The artist contributed to the show in many ways, most profoundly with the design of Lady Tinsel from the Bleakening, one of Bob’s Burgers most visually ambitious episodes to date. I am ill-equipped to eulogize the man like his fellow peers are doing, but as someone who writes and thinks about the Bob’s Burgers series it is impossible to not address his passing.

//////

The Great North.

“Sexi Moose Adventure”

Look up there! What Do You See? Nature and stuff Like a rock And a tree Oh, The Great North Way up here we can breathe the air Catch some fish Or gaze at a bear Wow! Oh, The Great North Here we live, oh, oh Here we’ll stay, oh, whoo From longest night To longest day In The Great North

An Alan Thicke bop or the wimpy Cheers theme this aint. A jarring theme. I had to transcribe it to lay it out in front of me to see how wordy it is, but to my surprise the theme song looks more concise on paper. Still, I am not sold on this theme song. Mainly because I prefer the misheard lyric of “Here we’ll say (it’s actually “stay”): oh, whoo,” digging further into the regional grunts.

1:24, One minute and twenty four seconds in and there is already a  little bit of winking scatalogical humor by the ever youthful Paul Rust, or as I am sure he’ll be known for generations, Ham Tobin, the middle of the three Tobin sons. Compounded within these first two minutes is a stylistic swivel away from Bob’s Burgers comedic well with a Brokeback Mountain themed wedding cutaway joke with real-world celebrity cameos. Speaking of celebrity cameos, how about a side character conversation with an Alanis Morrisette  constellation (and she’s a recurring character!) you’ve never seen that in Bob’s Burgers! In the first three minutes and thirty seconds we have two instances of explicitly expositional dialogue, the first is the cleaner introduction of eldest Wolf Tobin (voiced by Will Forte) and his fiance Honeybee Shaw who has just moved to Alaska from Fresno and helps set up the reverse All in the Family Meathead and Gloria dynamic. What comes next is once again another moment I can only describe as jarring when the inexplicably normal named Judy Tobin explains to Alanis Morrisette constellation exactly what is wrong with sweetly overbearing father. The reason involving a somewhat convoluted background story about the former Tobin matriarch's  abandonment of the family and Beef, the Tobin patriarchy, is in denial of this  fact. Beef prefers to live in the reality where no wife of his would leave him she could only have been eaten by a wolf.  

What goes on throughout the episode is what I believe is a cardinal sin of episodic storytelling: Making jokes and observations at the expense of an off screen character. There are already WAY too many characters being thrown at me and not once throughout the episode was I able to identify any of the characters by any names other than the name of the celebrity voice actor. Minute six and yet again we are hit with Honeybee  generating another celebrity name for a joke and I really hope that the writers develop more of a game for her. Oh wait a minute the episode reminds me again at the eight minute forty sixth second mark that she is in fact from Fresno. More diarrhea and fart jokes snaking their way back into the scene as well, but Jenny Slate has always relished in the poopier jokes (see: any of her stand-up, Kroll work, or Obvious Child).

At the ten minute mark there is a quality character defining joke when Wolf distracts Beef by pointing out an indoor potted plant in a mall, which causes Beef, ever the Nature man, to take matters into his own hands by trying to rescue the potted plant. Beef is basically a combination of the two Rons from Parks & Rec, the emotional frugality of Ron Swanson and a touch of Sam Elliot’s Ron Dunn Earthiness. Julio Torres’ mall juicer character is also introduced with a perfunctory but enjoyable deadpan exchange with the awkward Judy, but it’s the kind of performance Julio Torres could give in his sleep (and probably did).

The eleven minute mark introduces a character that I was initially pretty jazzed about, Judy’s boss at the mall photography store Alyson Lefebvrere (gosh I hated typing out that name >.<) voiced by long-time Molyneux collaborator, Megan Mullally. On paper, much like the theme song, a heated exchange between an emotionally vulnerable Beef and a character voiced by real-life wife Megan Mullally should be dynamite, instead much like their podcast it feels like a wet fart in the sheets. Mullally’s work on Bob’s Burgers as Linda’s sister Gayle is terrific and with the power of animation having her play an unconventional looking character really works to her advantage. Alyson’s character design is boring and conventional cartoon  attractive as she’s clearly being set up as a potential love interest for our leading Beef man, but the whole thing in execution falls completely flat. The extended 69 joke between Beef and Alyson is supposed to be funny because we know it’s between a real life publicly beloved celebrity couple. You cannot coast on innate chemistry alone! The setting up of the love interest isn’t even coy, we see Beef get heart eyes and drool over Alyson, which is just the most predictable and least interesting choice. A route this show seems dangerously flirtatious with.

Finally, at minute:second mark 13:15 we get introduced to a potentially fun and quirky sitcom character, Londra the neighboring fish mongerer. Voiced by Judith Shelton, an actor I am sure we all remember as Sally from Seinfeld and Angela from the Gregory Hines Show. Instead she gets instantly shut down and shuffled by in favor of advancing the plot of the episode. Moving on to the birthday party. Yep Honeybee makes another pop culture reference this time the Minions (it was Squidward last time, but I was too faint of heart to mention it at the time). We also find out in a forced confession from Ham that he is gay. I am glad the show has hired an openly gay actor like Julio Torres to play a bit recurring character, but it feels weird having Paul Rust a thoroughly heterosexual actor portray a gay goofball character. I feel like there easily could have been an actual gay goofball Paul Rust type out there deserving of the job, but this show does do right by having Dulce Sloan as Honeybee and Aparna Nancherla as MVP, Moon Tobin (Who I’ll get into later). Therefore I should not let this irk me, but clearly this show and I are not seeing eye to eye. In an era of gestures towards meaningful representation I would just like to see some consistency. Rust will probably go on to join the ranks of the many other hetero men who have also portrayed perfectly competenent and sensitive gay characters, but with gay characters should come paychecks for gay voice talent. In the end of this dead end debacle I much rather  Paul Rust have the role  and be spared the unimaginative Randy Rainbow casting. Back on track.

There’s a four square action sequence of the four siblings that also feels like the show attempting another stylistic flourish to separate itself from Bob’s Burgers. The episode, all one straight ahead single narrative, comes to a happy ending to also establish that the Bob’s Burgers sister sister series is also interested in being a sentimental sitcom to its core. An unfortunately okay first episode that got worse for me with a repeated viewing. The only character and overall performance that sticks out to me is Aparna Nancherla playing what is essentially the show’s Tina and  Louise lovechild of a character Moon Tobin, an animal identifying gender flipped peculiar savant-like child. She’s one of those comedians that I will always root for and appreciate whenever she pops up and I really hope that this show treats her right. She really elevates the material. Everyone else does just fine. The first episodes and first seasons of any sitcoms are rarely all that innovative or memorable so I am certainly going to allow this show to grow on me.

For the time being, this first episode of the Great North is deserving of Two Sexy Moose Antlers out of Five Forced Pop Culture References

[crown-of-briars]

Peace Keeper | John Seed x Female Deputy

Chpt 1

“Deputy Winters; we've got another call concerning Edens Gate.” Sheriff Whitehorse tosses a file down on the deputies desk with a sigh. “Mrs. Sanders says she's concerned about her boy; claims he started showing interest in the cult before going missing last Thursday.”

Avery raises a brow, taking the file and opening it to scan the contents. “Last Thursday? It's already Wednesday. She waited almost a week to call it in?”

Shrugging his shoulders Whitehorse brings a cup of coffee to his lips. “This isn't the first time her boy has wondered off for a few days, she was probably expecting him to show up again sooner or later.” A momentary silence fell. “He's been sighted at their compound. Figured placing you on this would be the best decision since you're the only one here who's managed to stay neutral on the matter of Edens Gate. Putting Hudson or Pratt on the case would undoubtedly end in conflict; we can't risk that.”

“And what about you? I know you've got your reservations on the matter but you're more than capable of keeping your wits about you.” For the last few months anytime a call came in concerning the project she would always be assigned the job. It normally wouldn't be an issue except the residence of Hope County were whispering about her being an Edens Gate sympathizer because she tried to keep peace between the project and Hope County, tried to resolve things in a civil manor, talking things through instead of going in throwing accusations and harsh words around.

“Being the Sheriff Edens Gate doesn't take kindly to me, Deputy. I have no grounds with them where you... well, the project doesn't seem to have any qualms with you.” Whitehorse wasn't wrong, he was the face of the local police, the face of the people who showed an obvious disdain for their cause. “You best get moving, Winters. You know how inpatient Mrs. Sanders can be.”

With a sigh Avery rises from her seat and throws on her jacket before grabbing her keys from the desk. “She won't be all too happy I'm the one at her door, Sheriff.”

“I wouldn't be sending you out if I didn't think you could handle it, Avery.”

~

Deputy Winters headed out, climbing into her tan and white bronco which proudly displayed 'Hope County Sheriffs Department' on its side. Within 20 minutes she was in the heart of Holland Valley, standing on Mrs. Sanders porch. As soon as she had knocked on the door it flung open, a distressed older woman standing before her. Her expression faltering as she saw Avery, wrinkling her nose.

“Of course they sent you.” The woman exclaimed as she threw her hands up. “Can't even mutter the words Edens Gate to the police without you showin' up!” Leaving the door open she shuffles deeper into her house.

Winters' purses her lips as she takes a step inside. “Well like it or not, I'm here. Now why don't you tell me what's goin' on.”

The Deputy proceeded to take a seat on the woman's couch, listening and taking notes as Mrs. Sanders broke it all down. Her son Kevin, 18, had been acting 'weird' talking about the project and showing interest in their cause; acquired a copy of The Book Of Joseph which disappeared along with him just shy of a week ago. In the end she just wanted to know if he was okay and perhaps try to convince him to come home. Though there wasn't much the Deputy could do in way of getting him to come home. The boy was 18 and legally didn't have to return if he didn't want to.

Rook thanked Mrs. Sanders for her time and left, closing the door behind her before letting out a groan. This was just another person who didn't like that a family member joined The Project, another person who harbored negative feelings towards something they didn't agree with and couldn't accept another persons choice. In the end these particular calls always resulted in a welfare check and rarely with anyone coming home.

It wasn't before long she pulled up to the gates of the compound, greeted by two armed guards who looked her over as she climbed out of her vehicle. Rook offers a smile as she walks past them, quickly being struck by the sickeningly sweet smell of Bliss flowers as she entered the compound; rubbing her nose and huffing softly trying to clear her airways to no avail. She couldn't stand those flowers. As pretty as they were to look at the smell always gave her a headache and made her stomach churn. Making her way towards Joseph's church she was greeted, to a degree, warmly by the members of Edens Gate and she returning those greetings in equal warmth.

Approaching the large white doors of the church a pang of anxiety bloomed inside her. She was no stranger to the Seeds by any means, they had been an element in her life since her youth. At this point encounters with the Project, with the Seeds' in her personal life felt as natural as could be, especially with the youngest of the three. But when the uniform was thrown into the mix she was expected to behave a certain way, had to keep an image, the image of law enforcement and that was what caused the unease within her. Pushing the door open slowly she peaks her head in, glancing around the room before entering; and before her they stood, their conversation halted, the Seed Brothers and sister. Joseph stood at his podium, Jacob was leaning against the wall behind him, Faith sat on the edge of the platform and John... Oh John. Standing beside Joseph, his stance and well built frame screaming elegance and power.

As she steps inside they all lift their heads, gaze falling upon her. The church was silent for a moment longer than was comfortable before Joseph spoke.

“Deputy. To what do we owe this visit?” For once he had a shirt on, the only thing at this point that ever surprised her when it came to Edens Gate.

“Apologies for uh... interrupting. I'm here to ask a favor of you.” Avery strode forward, taking a deep breath to shake off her nerves. “There's someone I've been asked to check on who I can only assume is currently under John's care, likely for confession.” She glances at the youngest Seed, his cold blue eyes and heavy gaze threatening a lump to form in her throat.

John tisks at her with a slight smirk. Were she not in uniform she'd roll her eyes at the arrogance this man emitted. “Deputy, you know someone can't be interrupted when preparing to confess their sins. I'm shocked you'd even ask.”

“Yeah well, that's the favor I'm asking for, to speak with him.” Joseph and John shared a glance for a moment before looking back to the Deputy. “Look, for once I'm not here having been asked to preform a removal. If I'm able to see him and just talk with him for a moment with no resistance from the project, it's likely you won't be seen as the bad guys for once.”

A thoughtful look graced the Father's face. “This decision I will leave to my brother.” Joseph announces as he places a hand on John's back.

The youngest Seed takes a moment to think, still taking in the view of the Deputy standing before him; stray blonde hairs messily framing her face and cheeks red from the chilled winter air. He smirks as he steps down from the platform, firmly clasping a hand on Avery's shoulder to turn her around towards the doors of the church. “I believe I can work something out, my dear Deputy.” His arm wraps around her shoulders as he walks with her out the doors of the church. “Who is it you're looking to speak with?”

Within moments of John's embrace Avery's face flushed a disgraceful shade a red. Since the day she had first laid eyes on him she'd been memorized by the youngest of the brothers. Everything about him drew her in, from the way he presented himself even when under heavy allegations of abuse and kidnapping; to his manicured and masculine presence, his perfectly shaped form and sculpted  features and those... beautiful steel blue eyes... This train of thought isn't helping...

Avery hunches her shoulders, drawing into herself to escape his hold as they step out of the church, quick to give John's firm... toned back 'Avery stop' a friendly pat. “I appreciate it, Seed. His name is Kevin Sanders.”

John looked almost offended for a moment at her slinking away from him before amusement takes it's place. “Well what can I say, you're solely responsible for the fragile peace between Edens Gate and the people of Hope County. You're our Peace Keeper.”

The Deputy scrunches her nose. She hated being called that, but it wasn't far from the truth. “It's certainly come with it's share of consequences. The county is convinced I'm in your pocket, that I'm one of you.”

With a smirk on his face John hails on his radio for the Sanders boy to be brought to Seed Ranch then returns the device snugly to his hip. “Is that really such a bad thing? You've been such a help to us that should you decide to join I'm sure Joseph would provide you a comfortable spot among us; perhaps even by me, aiding in bringing the sinners to redemption. Edens Gate has warmed up to you Deputy. I'd even go so far as to bet you weren't searched or questioned when entering the Father's compound.” John gave a knowing look in Avery's direction, catching a look of what seemed to be frustration from the fact she knew he was right.

The two approached her vehicle and climbed in, John settling into his seat with a dramatic sigh. “The boy will be at Seed Ranch waiting for you, Deputy Winters. Though do keep in mind, every favor requires payment.”

Rook narrows her eyes and glances at him as she shifts into reverse. “What do you want?” Her response came off more aggressive than intended, though John didn't seem to care.

Bringing a hand up to thoughtfully stroke his beard, John gazes ahead, letting a silence hang a few moments longer than was necessary. “I'll think of something.” His gaze shifts towards Avery, a mischievous look in his eye.

Avery rolls her eyes, letting a soft smile stain her lips before driving off. That look on the man's face made her stomach flutter with butterflies and her heart feel warm. She may have been in uniform but in the privacy of her Bronco, she felt as though she could relax around him more, even if just a little.

~

She was 16 when the religious congregation moved into the town she called home. Her grandfather would rant and rave about them during supper, Avery and her grandmother ignoring his ravings as they ate. The Project was small then, never caused problems and kept to themselves aside from the public service the Father would host every Friday and Sunday which she had attended on occasion. Initially it was out of curiosity, but the moment she had laid upon the youngest Seed, she admittedly attended for more... personal reasons. Avery would sit as close to the front as possible just to gaze upon blue clad man standing at the back of the stage. Though by the end of the service, when the brothers would encourage attendees to approach them, the young woman would leave due to lack of nerve. While she enjoyed looking at him, the thought of speaking with him drained her of all confidence, typical teenager. Avery continued her attendance for quite some time before her first interaction with the either of the Seed brothers.

Not long after turning 17, during a sermon one evening as she examined those in attendance, taking in who was around her and spotting familiar faces, she couldn't help but take notice of just how much their following had grown; how many more people now came to attend their service. As Avery returned her attention to the front, her heart stopped when she caught the gaze of the youngest Seed. His eyes were shamelessly watching her with a knowing look; as if telling her 'I know what you've been doing'. It took a few moments but Avery managed to pry her eyes away from him, face flushed and heart racing. She kept her attention off of him for a good portion of the sermon that evening, but whenever she tried to catch a glimpse of him after that, their eyes met, making her more and more frustrated each time.

At the end of service when it was time to rise Avery briskly made her way towards the exit, letting out a deep breath as she stepped out of the tent to sooth the rapid fire nerves shooting off inside her. This was the end, there was no way she could continue to attend these little sermons after this.

“It's impolite to stare, dear.” A voice suddenly calls to her, the tone a playful mockery of a parent scolding their child.

The young woman quickly turns with wide eyes, the unexpected company firing up her nerves yet again. She was met with the sight of the one and only John Seed slowly walking from around the tent, that knowing look still on his face and accompanied by a smirk. No words Avery could muster up in that moment would have been adequate, so she pursed her lips and chose not to respond, instead deciding to take a step back. Blue met gray for a long moment as the two stared at one another, the silence doing nothing to help the anxiety that was bubbling up inside Avery.

John tilts his head in amusement, the smirking growing the slightest bit as she continues to slowly stride towards her. “But, I'm willing to be... lenient in allowing this behavior. I also tend to find myself not wanting to look away when I see something I like.” His words dripped with salaciousness, sending the girls mind reeling, rendering her near unable to process what was happening.

A faint nervous laugh managed to force it's way past the barricade that had built in her throat as John grew close enough that Avery could smell his cologne; and if she focused hard enough, she swore she could feel the heat radiating off of him. Just as she tried to find a response a white book held by long tattooed fingers thumps against her stomach causing her to let out a yelp. Taking hold of the hardback Avery look down at the book examining the cover; The Book Of Joseph... As she looks it over a shiver runs down her spine when John leans down to her ear and speaks softly.

“See you Friday, dear.” His playful and alluring tone echoed through her head as she watched him walk away, leaving her to process what just happened.

After that she felt she had no choice but to continue attending, continue those heart pounding moments where their eyes would meet throughout the evening. Her relationship with the brothers, especially John continued to grow and became comfortable and familiar for the next year; until she turned 18. That day she had taken the first steps to joining the police academy and ship off not long after. For those 21 weeks and the following 2 years of service in Great Falls, Avery counted the days until she could request a Deputy's slot in Hope County.

~

That had been 5 years ago by this point. 5 years of desperately trying to keep peace between the people of the county she loved and the people of a project that was ran by a man that she... well... admired.

The drive was quiet for the most part, nothing but the sound of the dirt and loose rocks beneath tires to fill the silence. Since coming back to Hope County the feelings she felt for the man had never faltered, though due to her job she couldn't allow herself to indulge in them too much no matter how tempted she found herself. John still gave her those knowing looks which she on occasion returned, he still made her nerves set a blaze, she still found herself enjoying the moments she could gaze upon him. Nothing seemed to have changed. Despite all that hadn't changed, enough about the project had changed that she found her concern growing.

“John...?” The Deputy spoke up, thumb worrying the leather on her steering wheel.

“Avery?” He turns his attention to her.

“Off the record... all these accusations of the Project 'forcing'..” She air quotes “people to join... are they any grounds for those claims to stand on?” Avery almost sounded ashamed to ask, guilty for daring to question the innocence of the project on the front of the accusations pressed against them. Every time she had been sent out to look into kidnapping allegations she found no proof of it being true, but the number claims struck her with concern.

John stared at her for a moment, clearly putting together his response in his head before opening his mouth to respond. “Our goal is to save as many of god's children- the Father's children as we can before the earth is cleansed by his righteous and holy fire. His creatures, his children, don't all know they need saving. They don't all want saving, sometimes they just need a little... coercion. We do nothing but present them with what they will inevitably accept they need.”

Avery sighs, rubbing her forehead she closes her eyes for a moment. That basically sounded like a big ole' 'yes' to her. “Yeah, I've read the book John, I know what the project is about but exactly how do you coerce people join?”

“We simply promise them what they need, we promise them freedom and a chance to be cleansed and reborn. And, should it be necessary we will use... a firm hand to guide them to their decision.” He spoke matter-of-factly.  

“Well maybe try softening that hand a bit? There's going to be a point John where no matter what I say or what I do, it won't be enough to protect the project...”

“Is that self doubt I hear in your voice, Avery?” Slender fingers gently caress her mid thigh. “So unlike you...”

A shamefully pleasurable shiver quakes up her spine.

“You needn't worry, Deputy. You're our peace keeper, capable of more than you realize.” There was an unusually tender sound to his tone, his words coming off softer than she was used to. His words always carried such boldness, a confidence that was honestly annoying; but in that moment he sounded genuine... sounded sincere. With that the previously uncomfortable silence felt comfortable, and they spent the rest of the ride in that silence.

Full work will be posted here

https://archiveofourown.org/works/23076199/chapters/55200811

[kmomof4]

POV? #askgame

Hi there nonnie! I’m sorry it took so long to get this together, but I wrote it two nights ago, finishing about 1:30 in the morning. I went back and looked at it last night, then proceeded to revise about 75% of it. Then today was just a busy day and I couldn’t get here to get it posted. But I thank you PROFUSELY for your patience!! 

This scene is from a prompt I received last summer from @teamhook asking for a smutty neighbors/enemies to lovers fic. Originally told in Emma’s POV, this is in Killian’s. I hope you enjoy it! You can find the original prompt here.

Under the cut, unless Tumblr ate it.

A pounding on the front door greeted Killian Jones as he stepped out of the shower. Wracking his brain for who might be at his door in the middle of the afternoon, he wrapped a towel around his waist and made his way toward the front door. He could see his fiery neighbor, Emma Swan, through the sidelights on either side of the door. Her green eyes flashed with her ire and the effect on him was instantaneous. He had been enamoured with the gorgeous blonde ever since he’d moved in two years ago, but she was always quick to shoot him down. That didn’t stop her appearance in his dreams, however.

He opened the door and couldn’t keep the smirk off his face as he watched the normally quite loquacious woman at a complete loss for words as she watched the progress of a single drop of water from his still wet hair trail down his chest and abs before being absorbed by the towel around his waist. Her mouth hung open before she unconsciously licked her lips and shook her head.

His raised eyebrow joined the cocky smirk on his face just as her eyes met his. “See something you like there, Swan?” he crooned.

“Hah!” she scoffed, “You wish, Jones.” She crossed her arms over her midsection, emphasising her breasts, further compounding his issue underneath the towel.

“Oh, I very much wish, Swan,” he murmured seductively, swaying into her personal space. He watched as her pupils widened and a small gasp escaped her lips. “Having you come over here all hot and bothered over something…”

“The branch,” she interrupted, stepping back away from him.

“Ah, yes, that infernal branch,” he agreed. “Having you over here all hot and bothered over that branch, well, you certainly have my,” he cleared his throat, “attention,” he finished, waving his hand over his middle, bringing her focus to his obvious arousal. He smirked again at her huff.

“Oh my god,” she groaned, rolling her eyes again. “Can you please be serious for one second?”

“Oh, I’m always serious when it comes to you, Emma,” he assured her before backing away and crossing his own arms over his chest. “So you want to yell at me about the branch again?”

“The key word there being ‘again,’ you asshole,” she yelled. “Why haven’t you taken care of this before now?” Her voice got higher with each word until she was nearly screeching at him. “I asked you, nicely, to have that limb, just the limb mind you, cut down before the leaves started falling so that I wouldn’t have to deal with all that. And here it is, September, and the leaves are falling, into my yard, for me to deal with.” Killian was helpless to keep his eyes from roaming over her face as she gesticulated wildly during her rant, down to her heaving chest, and then to her lips before returning to her eyes.

Firmly pushing his desire to the side, he closed the space between them again and spoke with all seriousness. “The people I’ve called to take care of it can’t be here until the first week of October. I’m sorry, I should have told you,” he apologized, sincerely, “I’ll take care of the leaves in your yard this weekend,” he continued. “But in the meantime,” his smirk was now firmly back in place, “may I suggest another way to work off all that residual frustration.”

He watched her internal struggle parade itself across her face. The desire in her own eyes mixed with trepidation nearly took his breath away. Open book, he thought. Her demeanor this afternoon told him that she wasn’t completely immune to his flirtations as he had believed and he couldn’t help but hope that this time, he might finally be able to break through that wall she kept around her heart.

Emma suddenly reached for him and slammed her lips into his. It only took a moment for his brain to catch up and send the signal to his arms to crush her body to his own. Lifting her into his arms, he backed up into the foyer and kicked the door shut behind them. As he made his way toward the bedroom, she broke the kiss and bit down on his earlobe. He let out a hiss before planting open mouth kisses down the slope of her neck. “Don’t you get any ideas now, Jones. This is only a one time thing.”

“We’ll see about that, darling,” he murmured back before capturing her lips again in a hot slide that set his blood to the boiling point. He tossed her on the king sized bed and thanked his lucky stars that this beautiful, amazing woman was exactly where he had always wanted her to be, in his bed with desire in her eyes. He unwound the towel at his waist and let it fall to the floor before taking himself in hand and giving himself a couple of strokes. Her eyes widened when they landed on his hard and weeping cock, bobbing against his stomach. “See something you like there, Swan?” he asked, repeating himself from earlier.

She rolled her eyes at him again before answering. “Get up here and fuck me, Jones, before I change my mind.”

“As my lady wishes,” he replied, climbing up beside her on the bed. She pulled her hoodie over her head, revealing her lace clad breasts to his sight. “You are so beautiful, Swan,” he murmured.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” she scoffed. “Less talking, more fucking.” She grabbed his shoulders and drew him to her capturing his lips again.

Tongue tangling with hers, he reached behind her and unsnapped her bra. He pushed her down onto the comforter, one hand fondling a newly uncovered breast, while the other made its way down to the button on her jeans. He swallowed her moan as he circled and plucked at her nipple until it was a sharp peak just begging for his mouth. Releasing her lips, he worked his way down her neck and chest, while his hands were busy pushing her jeans and panties over her hips and down her long legs.

She gasped and writhed beneath him as he sucked her nipple into the warm cavern of his mouth. Small hands buried themselves in his hair, tugging and pulling as he continued his ministrations on her breasts. He was determined to find and memorize all her secret places that made her shiver and moan under the sensual assault he was inflicting on her.  Concentrated as he was on bringing her to bliss, he could feel his control starting to unravel. He thrust himself into the comforter, creating delicious friction that was nowhere near enough.

After removing the last pieces hiding her pale skin from his sight, Killian’s fingers played along her sides, before reaching down to where he knew she wanted him. Her mewl of pleasure and arch toward him as he finally touched her folds nearly rendered him speechless before he slid one finger into her soaked heat. That was all it took for her to start riding his hand, seeking her high. “Yes, that’s it, my Swan,” he crooned, his voice low and gravelly in his passion. He added a second and then a third finger. “Take your pleasure.”

“Yes, Killian, yes!” she screamed, as her walls clamped down on his fingers like a vice. He rode her through her climax before gently bringing her down. Her eyes slowly opened, lust glazed and unfocused as he grinned at her.

“Still with me, Swan?” he teased.

Her eyes focused as she smirked at him. “You’d better believe it, Jones.” She stretched languidly and turned on her stomach, before pulling her legs up under her and raising her hips in the air. She wiggled her ass in his face, before winking up at him. “Well?” she asked.

He raised himself up behind her, bringing his hand down on her cheek. The smack resounded around the room as her gasp turned into a moan of pleasure. “Ohhh, you like that, do you, you naughty girl?” he taunted. He brought his hand down again on the other cheek, turning it a nice pink to match the other.  Emma buried her face into the comforter to muffle her pleasure filled groan. “Oh no, you don’t, Swan. I want to hear you. I want to hear you scream my name as you come all over my cock,” he cajoled, as he lined himself up and took her with one long stroke. He twisted his hand into her golden mane and pulled, raising her from the bed.

“I hate you,” she gasped, as he held her to him with one arm around her middle all while he pounded into her relentlessly.

“Oh, but you love what I do to you, don’t you, darling,” he purred into her ear. “So warm and wet for me. You feel like heaven around me. So tight. So perfect. Taking me so well.” His other hand released her hair and snaked around to cup her breast. He could feel her walls primed for another high, just beginning to flutter around his length. “Come for me, Emma,” he demanded, reaching down and flicking her clit.

“Ahhhh, Killian,” she screamed as she climaxed again. The pure bliss of her walls clenching down on him only spurred him on chasing his own high. He buried his face where her neck joined her shoulder as bliss consumed him, her name a loud groan on his lips.

He shuddered behind her before releasing her to fall on the bed. Laying down next to her, he pulled her back into his chest, and nuzzled into her neck while placing a kiss to the sensitive spot behind her ear.

“Ugh,” she complained, trying to pull herself out of his arms.

“Ugh what, Swan?” he murmured, pulling her closer, nuzzling into her neck again. “You were the one to kiss me, if I recall correctly. And after all this time, I’m certainly not going to let you get away that easy.”

“What?” she asked, turning in his arms. “What did you say?”

He pulled back slightly and looked into her eyes filled with confusion. “I said, ‘I’m not going to let you go that easily.’”

“Wh- what do you mean?” The way her voice shook slightly, filled him with the courage he needed to fight for what he wanted.

“Don’t you know, Emma?” he inquired, his heart in his eyes. “It’s you. It’s always been you. I’ve wanted you ever since I moved in. The more I’ve seen you, the more I’ve wanted to get under that armour of yours.” He traced the apple of her cheek with his finger and smiled at her gasp. “The more I’ve seen you, the more I wanted you... to care for me. The way I care for you.” By the time he was finished, his voice was nearly a whisper.

“You care about me?” she asked in a whisper, “You want me?”

“Aye.” He nodded, drawing her close again and pressing his forehead against hers. “And not just for enjoyable afternoons, such as this. If you’ll allow me, I’d like the opportunity to… win your heart.”

Emma’s mouth opened and closed several times, but not a word came out.

“Could be fun,” he insisted. “I promise you can still come over and yell at me whenever you’d like. I quite fancy you, even when you are yelling at me. Unless of course, you’d rather go on hating me…”

“Well, maybe I don’t hate you as much as I thought I did,” she relented teasingly, looking up at him through her eyelashes.

The joy that exploded in his heart at that moment broke into a broad smile over his face. “Do you need some more convincing, Swan?” he asked, drawing her in for another slow, languid kiss.

When he finally released her lips, a soft chuckle escaped her. “Mmm, maybe a little. Just to be sure,” she replied before rolling him onto his back for round two.

Thank you again for the ask nonnie! It was a lot of fun to write! I hope you enjoyed it!

Send me a No Excuses Writing Meme Ask

Tagging my crew, please let me know if you’d like to be added or removed: @hollyethecurious @winterbaby89 @snowbellewells @stahlop @resident-of-storybrooke @jennjenn615 @kingofmyheart14 @profdanglaisstuff @branlovestowrite @thisonesatellite @ultraluckycatnd @flslp87 @whimsicallyenchantedrose @let-it-raines @shireness-says @kymbersmith-90 @darkcolinodonorgasm @bethacaciakay @searchingwardrobes @ilovemesomekillianjones @teamhook @aprilqueen84 @qualitycoffeethings @superchocovian @artistic-writer @donteattheappleshook @doodlelolly0910 @seriouslyhooked @tiganasummertree @killianjonesownsmyheart1

[boygirlbothnoneimtheuniverse]

Aspirations

Summary: When Sasuke was younger, he had wanted to be a star. Sasuke-centric Dark Canon Divergret AU, ObiSasu

I have to be honest, I don't really know where this came from? idk man who the hell knows what goes on in my head

"Look at the universe! What do you see? An order? Tranquility? A divine peace? You fool! You ignorant! Over there, galaxies are colliding, suns are exploding, black holes swallowing stars! Now look at the universe again! What do you see? A disorder? Chaos? Anything savage? You see a hell? Now, you see the truth!" ― Mehmet Murat ildan

Aspirations

When Sasuke was younger, he had wanted to be a star.

"You want to what?" Itachi had asked him, his voice amused as they lay side by side in the overgrown field a few minutes away from the Uchiha clan compound.

"Be a star," young Sasuke had answered, his words a whisper of awe as he stared up at the sparkling gleams in the night sky, "I want to shine bright like they do."

"You already shine bright," Itachi tells him, an affectionate smile on his face.

Sasuke doesn't reply, just continues to look up at the night sky. Itachi doesn't understand, but Sasuke hadn't really expected him to. Itachi already shined brightly. He was seen by their mother, their father, their clan, and the village. He was the prodigal heir of the Uchiha clan. He was a young genius that shone brightly among his peers.

Sasuke was no star. Sasuke did not shine brightly when compared to others. Sasuke was average and he once heard his father call him clingy. Sasuke was not independent like Itachi. Sasuke wanted affection and reassurance. Itachi was far more complacent and that was something Sasuke had yet to learn. He asked questions, where he should not. Itachi listened and people adored him for it. Sasuke tilted his head, curiosity getting the better of him, and he was dim in comparison.

Itachi was like the stars in the heavens and Sasuke greedily wished he was one too. In his darker moments, he wished Itachi was a falling star, a star that has had its time and is now descending down to the level of the other dim, uninteresting people.

He never voices these thoughts, only ever speaking admiring things about his beloved brother, but he thinks it often enough. That simple wish that Itachi would fall so Sasuke could finally rise and shine.

(In another world, the political climate of the village falls apart. Scheming and warmongering lead to rumors and then whispers of rebellion. A once bright star does what its known for and complies with his orders and then he starts his descent. He will fall and eventually he will fade, a new star entering the sky. This, however, is not that world.)

Sasuke spends his childhood wishing and growing bitter. He is often ignored in favor of his brother, and when once Itachi would placate him with broken promises of training, now the older boy is just too busy for even that. He always has a sad smile to spare him when they cross paths, but Itachi slowly grows a new life away from Sasuke and he can't bring himself to force a place for him in it. He watches as Itachi advances, his rank rising, the admiration from others flowing, and Sasuke burns red hot with jealousy.

Sasuke knows he's being a bitter asshole by the time he's thirteen. He knows his hateful thoughts are full of spite and not fair to Itachi, the teen who wants absolutely zero of the attention he gets. Still, that anger burns and burns and every time Itachi tells him he's too busy to help Sasuke, it grows bright and more intense. His spite grows nasty and malicious and by the age of seventeen, Sasuke is foaming at the mouth with repressed rage.

He has a mask, of course. He is the kind younger brother of the incredible Uchiha Itachi. He is average, when it's all said and done. He blends into the crowds, going unnoticed unless Itachi is nearby. Then, and only then, people will acknowledge him, telling him how amazing his brother is, and then they will turn away to bask in the glow of the shining star that is his older brother.

Sasuke is only a chūnin by the time he is seventeen and he is completely ignored in his obscurity. Itachi has long since moved out of their childhood home and his parents are often busy with other duties. His father no longer bothers to pretend to care and his mother's affection is absent-minded as she gushes over Itachi and Izumi, who have finally decided that marriage is in their near future.

Sasuke has lived seventeen years as a planet orbiting the Itachi star and it has long since grown old. His teammates are bright spots throughout the years, but they are not constant fixtures now that they are being assigned to different squads. Naruto is the son of the Hokage and he is bright like Itachi, although he is less of a mysterious celestial being and more of a bright sunshine. Besides, the last time Sasuke saw Naruto, he was excitedly telling Hinata that his mother was once more pregnant. Sasuke pitied the child or children. They too would be like Sasuke; a mere shade compared to a smarter, more powerful brother. Sakura cared once upon a time, her minuscule crush on Sasuke giving him hope that he wasn't as invisible as he feared, but the first time Itachi had stopped by to walk home with Sasuke after training, she was lost to him. She saw Itachi, saw his glow compared to Sasuke's darkness, and she turned from him.

Kakashi was never much of a presence to being with, his sensei's attention mostly focused on Naruto and the genius civilian girl under his tutelage. He never outright ignores Sasuke, which he admittedly appreciates, but Sasuke gets no other recognition. It is through Kakashi that Sakura gains an apprenticeship under Tsunade, the slug Sannin having recently returned at the request of the fourth Hokage. She is excited, Sasuke knows. He will see less of her until she finally stops bothering to make an effort of staying in contact. Naruto was always guaranteed an apprenticeship with Jiraiya. Sasuke is guaranteed nothing.

No one, not even Itachi, reaches out. No one takes a look at the dim star Sasuke is. Nobody cares and Sasuke is cold.

So when he is approached by a black hole, how could he honestly say no?

-------------------------

"You're invisible to them," Tobi says, his orange mask obscuring his face. His tone is similarly blank and Sasuke marvels at his emotional control.

Meeting the masked shinobi who went by Tobi wasn't a particularly memorable experience, if only for the fact that the man showed up on the brink of Sasuke collapsing from training for too long. He had appeared in the corner of Sasuke's vision just as it blurred and then he had still been there when Sasuke had eventually blinked exhausted eyes open.

"You are strong," the man had said to him, unabashed curiosity in his voice. "Yet no one sees you."

Sasuke had been on the brink of chakra exhaustion, so he had briefly wondered if he was hallucinating. "Are you real?"

"Do you often see figments of your imagination?" the man had asked in reply.

"I wish," Sasuke had muttered, eyes fluttering shut once more. "Then I wouldn't be so alone."

Sasuke had woken up in his bed, stiff muscles making it almost impossible for him to sit up to grab the cup of water pointedly left on his bedside table.

The man had returned the next evening, and all the evenings after that, always there when Sasuke's training has left him exhausted and indifferent. He introduces himself as Tobi and he watches Sasuke with one dark eye. Sasuke looks into it, sees the creeping tendrils of darkness, and does nothing to escape the net the man is forming around him. Sasuke could claim he was curious about what the man wanted, but he wasn't. Sasuke's weakness was attention paid specifically to him, so he let Tobi manipulate him to his heart's desire.

Sasuke looks over at Tobi, thinking about his observation. "Yes, I am invisible. I'm not special, not to them." There's implications in his words, that he's special to Tobi in some way, and while Sasuke can't see the man's face, he can feel the smug satisfaction he is exuding. Sasuke is unbothered. He let's Tobi believe that Sasuke doesn't see him, that Sasuke doesn't recognize the signature dark Uchiha eyes, nor the slips of scars he can see occasionally when his long sleeved shirt shifts and one unnaturally pale wrist is exposed. Sasuke doesn't know his real identity and he doesn't care to. This unknown Uchiha had chosen Sasuke to pay attention to, Sasuke to manipulate, and he was content with allowing the man to do just that.

One evening when Sasuke had stopped in the middle of training, Tobi had looked at him, eyes tilted curiously.

"Don't tell anyone," Sasuke had muttered, glancing up through his bangs. He then drew chakra towards his eyes and he physically felt the small spike of pain that came with using his Makngekyou Sharingan.

Tobi, though it went unseen, smiled.

-------------------------

"Sasuke," Tobi had whispered later, a gloved hand reaching up to lightly caress Sasuke's pale cheek. A single Mangekyou Sharingan stared down at him, benevolent cruelty swimming in their depths, "I need you to do something for me."

"Anything," Sasuke had replied in kind, his own ruby eyes staring back.

"Kill them," Tobi, the man, the monster, the abomination, the black hole had whispered into his ear. His other arm raised, his hand teasingly reaching towards his mask, the air heavy with his silent incentive.

"Yes," Sasuke had whispered in reverence as the black hole that was Tobi was revealed to him.

The man grinned cruelly at him, false affection in his eyes. Sasuke saw through him, but didn't voice it. Tobi was looking at him. Who cares what he happened to be looking at him with?

"My name is Uchiha Obito," the black hole told him, hot puffs of air against Sasuke's ear making the hair on the back of his neck stand up, "and I see you, my bright, shining star."

Sasuke sucked in a breath, panting lightly as his chest rose and fell rapidly. His vision spun and he didn't bother to fight as he, a star never seen, began to collapse into itself.

"Obito," Sasuke whispered against soft lips.

"My star," Obito whispered in kind, cold lips meeting warm, compliant ones.

(Sasuke massacred his entire clan with a smile on his face.)

[rigelmejo]

progress

i started trying to learn some chinese like idk in august. and i have never related more to a story i read once, of a 60-ish year old woman suddenly striving (and managing) to learn enough russian to read russian classics like war and peace in their native language.

because that’s how i feel... like i’m desperately trying to get to the point where i can read priest’s novels... because the translation is fine, and also sometimes impressive, but i know just enough to see all the details i’m missing, and 

i actually am gonna have a physical copy of guardian and imperfections/defected goods and i feel like The Pressure to be able to read them at least basically 

which. ahahahaha ;-; That is SUCH a lofty goal for the Near Future. Maybe long term, a very long term goal, but soon? Ahaaahaha ;-;

Anyway, i need to appreciate my progress. In about 3 months of studying, I have managed to go from knowing nothing but hello/thank you, to being able to read some subtitles, make out some long video titles/captions gist, to be able to look at a novel text and at least pinpoint moments of action taking place (which has been enough to at least look at an english translation, that says something like ‘shen wei’s right hand was kissed’ then look to the chinese version and find that line in text, so that i can word-for-word look up things with more precision). And these are things I should be very proud of myself for.

When I started studying French, the first language I took serious when trying to study - it took me 6 months to read most general texts and gleam the gist of the meaning. It took me 3 months to read the gist of titles/some captions/some summaries of nonfiction nature like instructional texts and news. And then it took me a year maybe to start being able to look at FICTIONAL things like novels or shows and start being able to follow the gist. With Japanese - it took me 1.5 YEARS to get to the point of being able to read the gist of titles/short captions/some small dialogues in manga. 

Studying chinese for 3 months, i can now: follow short comical manga-based audios on youtube about 70-80% (I followed a lan wangji/wei wuxian short video audio), read very short fanartist comics (saw some guardian short comics and managed to follow them without looking anything up), can look at the chinese titles of videos on youtube and maybe 1/2 the time reasonably get the gist of what it means, i can look at chinese subtitles on the shows i’m watching and grasp maybe 50% of what i’m looking at. Mostly, again, the action oriented dialogue like ‘i said’ ‘he’s dead/what happened’ ‘what’s that’ ‘madam, help me please’ ‘10k years ago’ ‘brother/sister/etc can i’ ‘no need/worry’ ‘smile’ ‘the meaning is/so/therefore/but/however/still’... and clearly most of the more specific words I know that are adjectives or nouns, are catered toward the shows/stories I’m consuming - since ghost/demon/puppet/bright/smile/dead/murderer/chief/god/lord are the first kinds of nouns I started recognizing. 

All of those achievements though... I should be grateful to have gotten to this place. In august, when I first looked at Guardian’s original text... the ONLY things I could understand were the numbers, and ‘hello/thank you/cat’. Now, even though I couldn’t read a chapter, I could skim through and find the names of people, and see if they’re doing something like speaking/smiling/looking/waiting, or if a ghost has appeared. Which is miles more than I could do three short months ago. And it is incredible to me, because it really is a lot of progress for me, in such a short time. 

It really points out to me how starkly different japanese was to start learning. I think part of the huge difference, is chinese really is somewhat easier structurally for me to look at and parse through (and I get now why it’s rated Slightly easier to learn for native english speakers than japanese is), and I think part of it is because I’ve spent enough time studying languages now that I’m more efficient at it. It certainly appears I’m more efficient than I was in the past. My reading in japanese is... still pretty awful. I really... can only glance at maybe manga dialogues, or real short image captions, or real short physical comedy skits, and understand the gist. Anything more, and I quickly get lost. And I studied Japanese pretty consistently for 2ish years. Whereas with chinese, I am already at the point where I can look at a wall of text like an actual fictional novel (not comic, novel), and start parsing out at least some of what’s going on. Where I can watch a show and follow at least some of the main ideas without translation. I do think part of the difference also, is which words I tried learning first in what language - in Japanese I learned comedic words first, and everyday ‘go to school/work’ words, so for daily life comedy vlogs/slice of life simple manga I can follow some of the gist - but for more literary things I am completely lost. With chinese, I was watching shows from the get-go, so immediately action words/nouns that are repeated a lot, were the first words I started understanding. And I think learning action words helps a lot with following what is physically going on - which is something I did not focus on immediately in japanese. Now, in chinese, I’m focusing on a lot of literary words like ‘its just/its only a’, ‘but even/however’ etc kind of words, and adjectives, so I imagine over time those kinds of words will pop out to me easier as well.

I have learned how it is I tend to learn the fastest, although it’s not quite in line with the perfectly-rigid approach I wish I could manage instead:

 - I need to start using the language immediately.  - Not coddled. I need to use it. Get thrown into it. Throw myself into actual materials IN the language. The textbooks and readers with english are a crutch. I learn faster the more I dive straight into the actual language materials IN that language. - As usual, find a vocabulary guide and/or flashcard set with the most common words, use that as a place to start for vocabulary. With Chinese, that was the 1000-most-common-words-in-chinese-dramas memrise deck, some other anki decks i look at on occassion, and the words-by-most-common clozemaster chinese.  - As usual, find a grammar guide, start CRAMMING through it. Inevitably, I am not going to understand the grammar until I see it working in the real language. But if I just make myself READ grammar points, then I’ll have a framework to understand the grammar I’ll see later being used. I’m currently working through https://www.chinese-grammar.org/ , which has been a very nice guide to just chug through. There are some other helpful guides - nanchinese is okay, but I HATE how slowly it progresses a user through the material. Again, I seem to do best when I’m just thrown into the deep end and FORCED to progress faster than I want to. Inevitably, I will always stop myself and keep covering the same basic material longer than I need to, if given the chance. So for myself, I really do need to just force myself to look at materials that look more difficult than I feel I am ready for. Again, future self: even if you feel you haven’t mastered the material, even if you haven’t memorized it yet, LITERALLY JUST PROGRESS as soon as you understand the gist of it. That’s it. Literally keep moving forward once you think you somewhat understand.  - As usual (for non romanized alphabets), get a book/guide that covers the characters by most common, and start CRANKING THROUGH IT. Again, do NOT pause until you’ve memorized, just KEEP PROGRESSING once you feel you understand the basic gist, move forward. You will look over the same characters again and again later, there’s time to reread a whole book/guide later - the point is to get exposed to those characters and words, so that the next times you see them it’s reinforcing the learning instead of your first time. For this, there is a great book: Reading and Writing Chinese: Third Edition, HSK All Levels (2,349 Chinese Characters and 5,000+ Compounds). I got this one, which I like because as far as I can tell, it includes all the characters and words I’d need to learn for the HSK levels (which at least somewhat prepare you to have some command of the language/some ability to comprehend the language). So, this book prepares a learner decently by at least teaching things that are more likely to be commonly found in the language, and therefore going to pay off to learn overall. I also have been looking at this guide: http://www.mementoslangues.fr/Chinois/Sinogrammes/Table3000CaracteresChinois.pdf . It has 3000 chinese characters in order of frequency. Which, again, is useful in trying to learn what will be most applicable to understanding many things. When reading through it, I’m on the 50th character and pretty much knew all of them already in 3 months - which is good, and probably why I’ve felt what words/characters I’ve learned have paid off in understanding so much. If I had more time to read it, I might find I know a whole lot more. In the RaWC book, I’ve been highlighting the characters I know, and I’m still reading through the book, but maybe 300-500 I’ve highlighted so far cause I already knew them. For learning characters, any book/word guide that at least partially prioritizes for frequency, and for broadly what is going to be useful to comprehend that language, helps a lot to focus you on studying things that will improve basic understanding. I also found a book by Lingomastery, Chinese Most Common 1000 words - which I’m looking through too, when I get the time. Again - for me it’s not about looking things over until I’m perfect - it’s about looking once, understanding just basically, then as I see it over and over multiple times learning it fully. Because for me that is faster than slowly memorizing, because I’m a perfectionist and I often choose to move on much slower than I can actually learn.  -Other things that have helped a ton: decent translators. The app PLECO is great, and can also translate some idioms. Google translate is nice because the app allows you to draw or speak the word instead of typing it so that if you don’t know the exact pinyin you can just draw the character you see. These three apps I found useful for translating chunks of sentences: https://fanyi.baidu.com/#zh/en/%E5%8F%AB%E5%89%8D%E8%BE%88 (I especially like how this one handles chunks of texts, and gives more precise footnotes of words/idioms at the bottom), https://translate.systran.net/translationTools/text?source=zh&target=en , https://www.mdbg.net/chinese/dictionary - The app Idiom is GREAT for looking at a chinese website/webnovel, and just translating word by word - it will give the character and pronounce it out loud. The translations are pretty freaking rough and sometimes not quite correct, but for super fast translating in-line on the same page while reading, it’s incredibly convenient. Likewise, the app BaiduTranslate allows you to just highlight text on your phone in any app, select ‘share’ select ‘baidutranslate’ app, and then it will translate the whole chunk of text - pinyin, audio, english, and some keywords/idioms more precisely translated in a footnote.These two apps, along with google-translate to draw in characters you can’t copy/paste, are good for super quick rough translations when working through a text/show. - Honestly, I think it has been helping as well that I’m watching so many chinese shows, and chinese youtube fan-made videos. I don’t personally think I do much with the audio to help myself learn, but I think it’s been helping me get better at looking up words (by pronouncing the tones closer to correct, and by drawing a character in the subtitles, and in youtube when there ARE english subs by looking from the english to chinese-hard-subs and matching some characters to specific words - it’s how i learned meaning/but/however/therefore). Even though I don’t notice significant improvement because of doing this, I do think it simply helps I’m interacting with chinese a lot. (And, of course, I love getting to the point in knowing a language, where you know JUST enough to be able to tell when the english subtitles CLEARLY DO NOT match what’s actually being said - that’s always fun). I do think that because I’m hearing chinese a lot, it’s easier for me to transfer my reading skills to listening skills - since I’m practicing both at once when I see the chinese subtitles, since I listen enough that they sound relatively familiar to what I think characters sound like in my head when reading (which, my internal voice still isn’t necessarily accurate, but it’s improving). This is significant, because I know in french I did NOT do this. So as a result, in french I could listen and would struggle significantly to match words to subtitles or text - I could read quite well but my listening lags behind. In chinese, I can reasonably follow along to audio with the text - they’re close enough in similarity to me that I don’t fear my listening comprehension is lagging as considerably as it does in french. Pretty much all the chinese words/phrases I am most sure I understand, are the ones I heard before reading. In french this was not the case, in part maybe because french has so many english cognates i could slide by in reading without necessarily learning the french pronunciations for a lot of words. Also - in chinese I generally plug new words into google translate or Pleco, both of those translators provide audio. I listen to the audio, because I want to make sure my tone is right. So for a majority of the words in chinese I learn, I listen to them several times at the beginning. I do think short term, so far it’s been paying off in listening comprehension a LOT with shows. And long term, I think if I continue doing this it will pay off in helping to keep my listening/reading comprehension a lot more balanced then it is in french. Which personally, I find hilarious, just because - when I started trying to learn chinese, I was literally ONLY concerned with reading comprehension. I didn’t care at all if I could pronounce or even knew what the words I was reading sounded like. But... to be fair, in chinese (thankfully!!!) many of the characters hint at their pronunciation based on how they look. So for chinese its often a matter of ‘okay this is gui/wei/shi/etc but which tone is it?’ Which I personally find... eons easier to come to terms with, then japanese characters, which often have multiple pronunciations, and those pronunciations rarely have to do with the appearance of the character. But with chinese, I see my favorite little ghostie radical, and know it might be pronounced gui or wei, and know it will probably have something to do with spirits. I see the speech radial and know it’ll probably have to do with speaking or communication or words. I see the ‘up’ radical and know it might be pronounced similar to ‘shang’. I deeply appreciate that in chinese the characters clearly have a logic - and though of course there are exceptions to those patterns, there are exceptions in many languages anyway, and for the most part those patterns are greatly useful. 

Just a little thing I’ve noticed, but also I find the characters/words are much easier for me to remember BECAUSE I have names of characters, story plotlines to relate them to. Because I’ve seen Shen Wei/Wei Wuxian, it’s easy for me to remember Shen Wei’s wei has a mountain on top and is a high tone, and wei’s doesn’t have the mountain and is a different one. Because I’ve seen the ghost character in so many plotlines, I can recognize when it’s spirit, or ghost, or puppet, or demon. Cat, wolf, dog, owl... they’re all easier for me to remember because I can think of specific sentences and situations where I’ve read/heard those words. If I was just reading them in a textbook, they would not be so vivid in my memory. In a way, it’s like the words I pinpoint in a story stick out in my head as these bright points, and then new things I learn connect outward from them like spiderwebs. I know daren from guardian is like a lord, so then when I see lord-god in Destiny and Love I know what to relate it to, when i see furen as madam i know how to relate it to what i already know. And so on and so forth. 

While I think there is definitely a place for learning in a structured way (and god I wish I was like that), I think my mind personally learns the fastest when I approach things based on most useful then work outward, and when I cover things quickly and broadly at only an understanding level of basic-gist-grasped, and then just start throwing myself into challenging material. I really think my mind prefers to dive headfirst into challenging things - it appreciates a challenge, it wants to problem solve, and it seems to work harder and focus better when it’s in the middle of being challenged. Now, working through challenging material can be very draining - and it still is, even though my brain learns faster by doing it. But seeing the progress after just 3 months, clearly its worth it. 

3 months ago, I looked at a wall of text and understood nothing but the calendar number dates. Now I can look and sometimes even follow whats going on! Now I can see chinese subtitles and follow some of the action! I looked ad Mo Dao Zu Shi the other day, and managed to read the first few paragraphs! I just looked at Zhen Hun today, and scanned through it to pinpoint a few scenes - some I managed to find and read in chinese, some I only managed to make out one line from. But ALL of that is still miles above what I could manage to do at the start. I’m personally... very excited. I have so much more that I want to be able to do in the language. But I’m extremely happy with how far I’ve managed to progress so far.

---

Literally... my goal had been... to be able to start getting through the guardian novel in chinese at least grasping the gist... in the end of November this year. HA.

That is... not a reasonable goal. If I can manage it, even just like small snippets of the novel... then I will be floored with myself. We’ll see. 

[raendown]

Pairing: MadaraTobirama Chapter: 4/18 Word count: 1776 Summary: When Tobirama is exiled from the Senju clan without warning, without even the chance to plead his case, it feels like his life is over. What does he have to live for now without his older brother to believe in him? Captured by the Uchiha in his moment of weakness, Tobirama slowly learns to live again with the last people on earth he would have ever expected to care for - or to fall in love with.

Follow the link or read it under the cut!

KO-FI in the blog header!

Chapter 4

Waking slowly to realize that someone else was in the room with him was so familiar at this point he almost allowed himself to slide back down in to sleep. The sweet bliss of unconsciousness was much more preferable to the pain of being awake anyway. He very nearly managed it until the two voices finally registered and he lay there listening to Izuna and Madara conversing in barely lowered voices, clearly not aware he had woken yet and just as clearly not worried their conversation might change that. Either they didn’t care or they were banking on his preference for remaining unconscious.

“But it’s his own brother…”

“Yeah. I know. You’ve said that eight times – nine now, counting that time.” Izuna sounded as though he were rolling his eyes and the familiarity of their banter sent a lance of pain through Tobirama’s chest. He’d had that familiarity in his own life too until recently.

Someone, most likely Madara, huffed indignantly. “It’s just shocking. I don’t think there’s anything you could possibly do that would make me turn you away. Unless you were…I don’t know…killing off all the clan babies or something.”

“He was messing with the dead.”

“I suppose. But – and don’t freak out – I sort of get where he was coming from? If you thought you had found a way to see Taro or Tamotsu again, wouldn’t you do it?” Tobirama vaguely recognized the names of the two Uchiha clan heirs that died long ago, surprised that he did so. His father had made him memorize every member of their enemies’ head family on the off chance he had an opportunity to kill one of them. He hadn’t so much as thought of those names in a very long time.

“Don’t ask me weird questions.” Several heartbeats passed in silence until Izuna sighed. “Fine. Stop looking at me like that. You know my answer.”

“Exactly! We would all do it! There’s not a person I know that wouldn’t give anything and everything for the chance to see the people they’ve lost just one more time. But Hashirama exiled him for that? Maybe he’s changed but that isn’t the Hashirama I remember.”

Tobirama squeezed his eyes closed tighter. It wasn’t the Hashirama he had known all his life either. He couldn’t begin to fathom why the man hadn’t even spared him the chance for an explanation or listened to his side of the story. If he had only been able to speak on his own behalf he was sure he could have made Hashirama understand.

What a world he lived in where his greatest enemies believed in him more than his own sibling.

“Kami’s beard, is he ever gonna wake up?”

One of them shifted and then Izuna yelped before Madara replied sternly, “I think he’d rather sleep his way to death if he could so don’t tempt him.”

“What are we gonna do with him when he does wake up?”

“I…don’t know. It just doesn’t seem right to kill him in cold blood now, not knowing what he’s gone through.”

“You know he’s our enemy right? Scourge of the Uchiha? Killer of our brethren?”

“How many of his brethren do you think we’ve killed in turn?”

“Good point… good point…”

One of them sighed again, probably Madara this time because the sound was quickly followed with his voice muttering, “That’s why we wanted to stop this war in the first place when we were kids. None of us hate each other for actual good reasons, it’s just an endless circle of ‘you killed so-and-so, now I’m going to kill you back’ and it’s all so pointless. We mourn our losses and then throw more soldiers away as if that isn’t exactly the cause of all our own misery.”

“Whoa, hold on, I don’t know if I’m ready to get all deep like this so early in the morning. I only followed you down here ‘cause I wanted to know what you planned to do with that broken ghost over there.”

“Broken ghost?” Madara parroted his brother incredulously.

The two of them descended in to giggles and Tobirama would have been offended if he could muster the energy for it. He’d been called a lot worse, though, so mostly the insult just rolled on passed him like so many others had. Besides, he couldn’t exactly deny he was unusually pale, especially considering that most of his clan tended towards more medium skin tones than the lighter ones the Uchiha were prone to, but he wasn’t fat.

No, not his clan. The Senju. He was going to have to get used to that.

It took a while for the two brothers to calm down, repeatedly breaking out in to fits of sniggering. They were probably doing something to set each other off again each time but whatever it was he couldn’t be bothered to look. Eventually they trailed off and sat together quietly for several minutes until Izuna spoke again.

“You know, I never would have expected this sort of behavior from him, of all people.”

“What do mean?” Madara asked.

“It’s just…pathetic. His clan kicks him out and he just gives up on life? Granted, I can’t really say I know much about him other than how he holds his blade, but from what little I know of him he just doesn’t seem the type to let himself go to waste like this.”

“He lost his whole family,” Madara pointed out in a hushed tone. “And judging from the story he gave us he clearly values family as much as any Uchiha. Would you do any better in his situation?”

Izuna declined to answer – or at least if he responded it was not verbal. Tobirama wrinkled his nose with distaste. He was not enjoying their conversation but letting them know he was awake wasn’t guaranteed to shift the topic to anything brighter so he didn’t see the point in trying to stop them. All he could do was hope they grew bored and left soon. Or maybe he would get lucky and one of them would take the opportunity to put a blade through his spine while his back was turned.

Unlikely but a man could dream. There wasn’t much else he could dream of now anyway.

“You’re not going to like this. Actually, lots of people aren’t going to like this.”

“Like what?” Izuna sounded cautious, suspicious.

“I think we should keep him.”

“Keep–? Are you out of your mind?”

“Well, think about it! We can’t turn one of our greatest enemies loose, especially not while he’s this mentally unstable. He’s truly not a Senju anymore, you heard Hikaku’s report the same as I did, so technically he’d not even our enemy anymore. And I…Izu, I don’t think I could make myself kill him. Look at him. He’s like a big child having a tantrum except it’s a hundred times sadder to watch.”

Body going stiff with offence, Tobirama finally found something to react to.

“Fuck you,” he muttered. He was briefly satisfied to hear both of them jolt in surprise.

“Well look who decided to wake up.”

“Fuck you too, Izuna.”

Shuffling sounds met his ears and then nothing but the shifting of air as the two of them came closer, stopping at the door of his cell.

“My brother has good news for you but something tells me you’re not going to like it.”

“What could you possibly gain from keeping me alive?” he grumbled, rolling over to glare up at the two of them.

In a strange mirror of how they usually looked, Izuna had left his hair down again while Madara had his wild mane pulled back in to a thick braid, clearly thrown together quickly and meant more for convenience than for aesthetics even if the look was a good one on him.

“Who says we won’t put you to work?” Madara grinned and leaned against the bars. “Maybe I’m just looking for a little free labor around the compound. Don’t you worry S-…Tobirama. We’ll keep you so busy around here you won’t have time to think of anything but how much your back aches from carrying my laundry around.”

“So I’m to be a slave, then?” Tobirama growled. With some effort he picked himself up off the ground to stomp across to the bars and loom over the other man. His body might be withered from inactivity but he was still taller. Unfortunately, despite his lesser height, Madara seemed the taller between them with his easy stance and smug expression. He even had the gall to laugh and reach through the bars to poke Tobirama in the middle of his chest.

“You’re to stay alive and make yourself useful. If I’m going to feed you then I’m going to get something back for my efforts as payment.”

“I don’t need you to save me from myself.”

“Well then I guess I’m just doing this out of the goodness of my heart. Imagine that, eh? An Uchiha with a heart.” Madara draped one arm around his brother’s shoulder and turned them both towards the door, still looking back at his captive. “Probably doesn’t feel like its possible right now but you’ll thank me for it someday. You’ll see.”

Tobirama peeled back his lips in a sneer. “Not likely.”

He got no answer other than a shrug. As the brothers left him he could hear Izuna asking if they were really going to keep him like a pet, then Madara’s voice scolding him not to phrase it like that, and Tobirama despaired. He had hoped that was only a bluff to get under his skin.

Angry and made restless by his own irritation, Tobirama paced back and forth across the wooden floor boards, counting all the spots where it creaked beneath him. He had paced the circumference of his cell several times already before he thought to notice that they had left the single bulb burning, keeping light in the room for the first time. Until now he had been allowed to wallow in darkness, probably because he spent all of his time curled on the floor with his eyes closed anyway, seeing light only when someone brought him food or came to ply him with more questions he generally refused to answer.

Now the light had been left on across the room, wasting precious electricity. Tobirama eyed it and wondered if it had been left by accident or if they knew somehow that he was up and about at long last. He scowled as he resumed his pacing. He would hate to be so predictable to those jerk-heads.

[goforwardgreenwriter-blog]

The Worm Reads: Empire of Storms, Ch 32 - 33

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Aedion had been up half the night, debating the merits of every possible place to meet his father.

I am such a sucker for good parent/child relationships in fiction (extra bonus points if it’s adopted parents/child relationship) but honestly Assdion needs to stay the fuck away.

Beforehand Assdion put Lysandra to bet after she shifted back from some other form.

[Aedion] flipped back the crisp cotton sheets with one hand and then laid [Lysandra] down, her once-again long hair covering her high, firm breasts. So much smaller than the ones he’d first seen her with. He didn’t care what size they were—they were beautiful in both forms.

Uhhh does SJM not get how creepy this sounds? Lysandra is asleep and Aedion is staring at her boobs thinking about how beautiful they are?? God damnit SJM just stick to erotica if your characters are gonna be horny 24/7.

Lysandra made [Aedion] change out of his dirty travel clothes, barged into Aelin and Rowan’s room wearing no more than her own bedsheet, and took whatever she wanted from the Fae Prince’s armoire. Aelin’s barked Get out! was likely heard from across the bay, and Lysandra was smirking with feline wickedness as she returned, chucking the green jacket and pants at him.

This sounds like the beginning of a college fic where all the characters live in the same dorm. Not a fucking epic fantasy series constantly compared to LOTR. Tolkien must be rolling in his grave.

Dorian stirred, a cool breeze fluttering in as if his magic awoke as well, squinted at them both, then at the clock atop the mantel.

WHAT. Is this a medieval settings or not? The characters all use swords and bow and arrows and there’s hints of medieval Britain monarchies everywhere but the characters have clocks? What is this word building?

Gods, the females in his court ate more than [Aedion] did.

This is prompted after Lysandra eats breakfast. After we have already been told she burns a lot of energy with her shape shifting. Go fuck yourself, Assdion.

Aedion opened the door, finding the cadre precisely where he’d guessed they’d be at this hour: eating breakfast in the taproom. The two males halted as they entered. And Aedion’s eyes went right to the golden-haired man—one of two, but … there was no denying which one was … his.

I am actually so stressed. Either A) Aedion is gonna act like a dick to his poor father and be treated as right for it, or B) SJM is gonna turn Gav into a dick just so Aedion can angst over his daddy issues. Place your bets, folks.

“You look … ,” Gavriel breathed, sinking into his chair. “You look so much like her [Aedion’s mom].”

HHHHH SJM STOP I HATE THIS SHITTY BOOK AND ASSDION I DON’T WANT THESE FEELS....

“They could have cured [mama Aedion] in the Fae compounds, but she wouldn’t go near them, wouldn’t let them come for fear of Maeve”—[Aedion] spat the name—“knowing I existed. For fear I’d be enslaved to her as you were.”

I wish Assdion’s mom could’ve been a character, but nope, gotta kill off potentially awesome characters for the sake of main character pain. I know that’s just a thing that happens in 95% of stories at this point, but SJM literally only brings these dead characters up once or twice and it has no other impact on her main characters or the plot.

“I’m sorry,” his father said, those Lion’s eyes full of such grief Aedion wondered if he’d just struck a male already down. “I’m not the one you need to apologize to,” he said, turning toward the door.

Am I a dumb dumb, or... who the fuck is Assdion talking about? Is he talking about apologizing to.. Assdion’s mom? I’m so confused.

Assdion stomps out after his little tantrum. I mean, I understand why he’s upset, but... I need context? Was Gav forced to take the blood oath to Maeve, or was it his own choice? ‘Cause if it was the latter yeah he’s kinda a shitty dad, but if it’s the former, it’s not his fault??? This series is batshit confusing.

“We need them to work with us. I might have made an enemy of him.” [Lysandra] tucked her hair over a shoulder. “Trust me, Aedion, you have not. If you’d told him to crawl over hot coals, he would have.”

HHHH FUCK IT GAV IS A GOOD DAD..... I just feel so so sorry for him. He’s just a punching bag for everyone else. Protect Gav 2k18

He laughed, surprised he could even do so. “He’s a handsome bastard, I’ll give him that.” “I think Maeve likes to collect pretty men.” Aedion snorted. “Why not? She has to deal with them for eternity. They might as well be pleasant to look at.”

I mean a lot of those men have confirmed that they were forced to take the blood oath and are now basically slaves to her but sure, tee hee oh Maeve that slutty bitch, collecting only the hottest young men to enslave! Fuckin’ end me.

Bearing both Goldryn and Damaris for once, Aelin walked into the Sea Dragon two hours later and wished for the days when she could sleep without the dread or urgency of something pulling at her.

Greaaat, back to Alien’s POV.

A grand total of five minutes before Lysandra barged in, Rowan had awoken—and begun the process of awakening her, too. Slowly, with taunting, proprietary strokes down her bare torso, her thighs, accented with little biting kisses to her mouth, her ear, her neck.

EWWWWWWW if I wanted to read this shit, I’d go look up fanfiction. Preferably fanfiction with characters I’m endeared to and actually ship. Skip!

Gavriel and Fenrys were now sitting with Rolfe at the table in the back of the taproom, no sign of Aedion, both a bit wide-eyed as she swaggered in.

This is a nit pick but Gav/Fenrys always being described together irks me. They have the literal same reaction to everything. Like, are they doing this all in unison? Actually, that’s a pretty funny mental image.

Rowan took up a spot beside [Aelin] his knee brushing hers. Like even a few feet of distance was unbearable.

GDI. It’s a meeting. With a Pirate Lord. And all Rowboat can think about is getting his dick wet inside of Alien. I’m almost ready to tap out.

“What is this,” [Aelin] said, stabbing a finger near the main line of figures stretched across the middle of the continent. “It’s the latest report,” Rolfe drawled, “of the locations of Morath’s armies. They have moved into position. Aid to the North is now impossible. And they stand poised to strike Eyllwe.”

Ooo, action scene? Please action scene, I cannot handle any more scenes of these assholes being horny around one another.

Next chapter!

“Eyllwe has no standing army,” Aelin said, feeling the blood drain from her face. “There is nothing and no one to fight after this spring—save for rebel militia bands.”

Starts right where the last one left off, as per SJM’s protocol

Rowan said to Rolfe, “Do you have exact numbers?” “No,” the captain said. “The news was given only as a warning—to keep any shipments away from the Avery. I wanted their opinions”—a nod of the chin toward the cadre—“for handling it.“

??? Is it me or is this expression really fucking weird? Was “a nod of the head” not good enough?

“Why attack Eyllwe, though?” Fenrys asked. “And why move into position but not sack it?” [Aelin] couldn’t say the words aloud. That she’d brought this upon Eyllwe by mocking Erawan, because he knew who Celaena Sardothien had cared for, and he wanted to break her spirit, her heart, by showing her what his armies could do. What they would do, whenever he now felt like it. Not to Terrasen … but to the kingdom of the friend she’d loved so dearly.

Once again, we’re about to witness the destruction of a kingdom and all Alien cares about is her stupid feelings. Go fuck yourself Alien.

“You are the heir of the Mycenian people,” Aelin said. “And I have come to claim the debt you owe my bloodline on that account, too.” Rolfe did not move, did not blink. “Or were all the sea dragon references from some personal fetish?” Aelin asked.

SJM JUST USED THE WORD “FETISH” IN HER EPIC FANTASY SERIES. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

[Aelin] allowed a flicker of her magic to rise to the surface then, allowed the gold in her eyes to glow like bright flame. Gavriel and Fenrys straightened as her power filled the room, filled the city. The Wyrdkey between her breasts began thrumming, whispering.

I’m sorry, lovely readers, I keep ragging on about this, but holy fuck. I hate it so much. SJM wants this scene to be all epic and show what a special snowflake badass Alien is but then she undercuts all that supposed tension by drawing focus to her boobs I just. ajhdafdfagfds dj hdsa im b rea kin  g

Alien lets loose some of her power that literally shakes the world and rings bells or some shit? idk i guess its 2deep4me

“What the rutting hell was that?” Rolfe at last demanded. Fenrys and Gavriel became very interested in the map before them. Rowan said smoothly, “Milady has to release bits of her power daily or it can consume her.”

ROWBOAT CONFIRMED FOR NICE GUY HOLY SHIT

Aedion and Lysandra arrived after some time—and her cousin only spared Gavriel a passing glance as he stood over the map and fell into that general’s mindset, demanding details large and minute. But Gavriel silently stared up at his son, watching her cousin’s eyes dart over the map, listening to the sound of his voice as if it were a song he was trying to memorize.

Gav deserves a better series than this. I want to take him, Manon, Darrow, and Rolfe away so they can be at peace. How does Darrow/Gavriel sound to everyone? Pure old dads who rule their kingdom fairly, bringing peace and prosperity forward. What a lovely image.

SJM described the meeting rather than shows. It’s basically 90% everyone gushing over how powerful Alien is. Skip!

“You once said I would pay for my arrogance. And I did. Many times. But Sam and I took on your entire city and fleet and destroyed it. All for two hundred lives you deemed less than human. So perhaps I’ve been underestimating myself. Perhaps I do not need you after all.” [Aelin] turned again, and Rolfe sneered, “Did Sam die still pining after you, or did you finally stop treating him like filth?”

Dick move, maybe, but I mean... he’s not wrong. The Assassin’s Blade is literally just Alien being pissy towards Sam for no reason and then he gets angry when their master beats lAlien’s face in (you know, what any normal functioning human being would react like) and she’s suddenly frothing at the mouth to fuck him. Maybe I should review TAB next.........

Rowboat chokes Rolfe and throws him down, and everyone smirks. How are these characters adults? They’re all written like immature teenagers. Anyways, a bell rings out, signifying something bad.

Aelin watched as black - darker than the ink that had been etched there - spread across [Rolfe’s] fingers, to his palms. Black such as only the Valg could bring.

Please action scene I can’t handle one more “witty’ “banter” conversation between these assholes

The door banged open, and Rolfe’s towering figure filled it. “You.” Aelin put a hand on her chest. “Me?”

Pfft. I hated that I snickered at this, but I always laugh at the “dramatic hand on chest” joke.

“And what of your idealism—what of that child who stole two hundred slaves from me? You’d leave the people of this island to perish?” “Yes,” she said simply. “I told you, Rolfe, that Endovier taught me some things.” Rolfe swore. “Do you think Sam would stand for this?” “Sam is dead,” she said, “because men like you and Arobynn have power. But Arobynn’s reign is now over.” She smiled at the darkening horizon. “Seems like yours might end rather soon as well.”

Sam deserves better than this. He was an okay guy to my memory - not a poisonous fuck boy like Rowboat.

“Eight warships teeming with soldiers —at least a hundred on each, more on the lower levels I couldn’t see. They’re flanked by two sea-wyverns. All moving so fast that it’s like storm winds carry them.”

FUCK YEAAAH SEA DRAGONS LETS GO

Rolfe finally breaks down and agrees to join Alien’s war effort. Love it when one of the few good characters is kicked and beaten down to prop up the despicable protagonist. Then we swap to Dorian’s POV.

Aelin was insane, Dorian realized. Brilliant and wicked, but insane. And perhaps the greatest, most unremorseful liar he’d ever encountered.

Dorian, honey, you okay? Blink twice if Alien is holding you captive.

This war would not be won on smiles and manners. It would be won by a woman willing to gamble with an entire island full of people to get what she needed to save them all.

Yeah, doesn’t that make Alien likeable! I know war involves sacrifice and death but Jesus, could she feel even a little remorse? Innocent people may die today but Aelin’s head is so far up her own ass she doesn’t even care.

Fenrys kept at a distance from the others, but Gavriel remained close, his gaze still fixed on his son. Gods, they looked so much alike, moved alike, the Lion and the Wolf.

Stop ittttt Gavriel deserves better.....

Aelin tells Dorian to stay behind and the chapter ends. God, that was a lot of bullshit in two chapters.

[tilltheendwilliwrite]

Rise Up

Chapter Fourteen

Previous Chapter

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader  |  Word Count: 4146 Warnings: Swearing, minor violence

Song: Machine by MisterWives

When you arrived back at the compound, Hemmelighet snorted out a warning and back winged to land on the roof rather than return to the barn or down on the driveway as Steve roared up on his bike. There was shouting, and lots of it, coming from the men crowding around the SUV’s parked before the doors. You tuned in to listen and hummed irately when the voice which returned to your ears was a familiar one.

“We know he’s here, Stark. Just hand him over, and we’ll be on our way.” Secretary Thaddeus Ross. The most hated man of any Avenger. After what he’d put Wanda and the others through when they were on the Raft, he was an easy man to despise.

While no one had guns out, you could smell them on all his men. Twelve in all, Tony was keeping things civil by having only Sam and Bucky with him, though, they too were armed. Throwing your senses out further, you found Wanda watching from a window.

Nat and Bruce were at Clint’s, and the newbies were all still out on assignment, thankfully - none of them were overly fond of Ross either. Vision was… somewhere. When he phased out, you often had a hard time locating him. That left only yourself and Steve as back up if things went sideways because someone had spilled the beans about Matt.

“I haven't a clue what you are going on about, Secretary Ross.” Tony waved a dismissive hand. “To whom are you referring?”

Movement in the guest quarters caught your attention. Matt and Elektra were waiting things out there. Good. Keep them out of sight and out of trouble.

“We know you have Daredevil in your keeping,” Ross huffed, crossing his arms, “There’s been chatter about a blind fighter. With the intel we have, it has to be him.”

“Secretary,” Tony simpered, “you know as well as I do that Daredevil died in that… Midland Circle incident.”

“Secretary Ross,” Steve said as he walked up to stand beside Bucky. “What seems to be the problem.”

“Rogers,” Ross nodded. “We’re here for Daredevil. We know you have him.”

“Can’t say I’ve ever met Daredevil,” Steve lied without a flinch. “What makes you think he’s here?”

“I just said,” Ross ground his teeth together in frustration. “You have a blind fighter inhouse! That has to be him!”

You couldn’t see it, but you knew Steve would have arched one brow in his you know you sound crazy look. It almost made you snicker.

“Even if we did have a person here who was blind and could fight, I’d be very interested in knowing how you found out about them.”

The word leak slammed through your mind, but who? Where? What department? “Shit,” you hissed softly.

“Indeed,” Vision muttered, materializing beside you and making Hemme snort. “Apologies.” He patted the Pegasus’s shoulder. “You are much… changed, (Y/N).”

You smirked his direction. “I am much returned to myself, Vis. This is Valkyrie armour.” Hemme shifted beneath you, his head bobbing. “And Pegasi armour.”

“Are you planning on making an entrance?” he asked, peering down at the men below with you.

“I was considering it. Better they think the blind fighter is me than Matty.”

“Even after the confrontation with him and his… woman, you will still defend them?” He sounded more curious than surprised.

“From Ross? Every damn time.” You nodded.

“I would not see anyone under his control ever again,” Vision murmured, his tone growing hard and a little sad. “If you are going to make an entrance, might I suggest these?”

He lifted his hand, and you chuckled. “Is that why you were out of phase?”

“Hm. I saw you returning. With its impenetrable properties, I thought perhaps it might be required should things… turn.”

“Thanks, Vis.” You took the cloak from him and threw it around your shoulders before placing the helmet upon your head. “Let’s make it memorable, Hemme.” The stallion took off across the roof, his wings lifting you back into the air.

While this was, perhaps, not the smartest move, revealing both yourself and Hemme to Ross, it wasn’t as if he wouldn’t already know what was public knowledge in the Avengers database. The amount of trouble the Hounds had gone through to take you, and the amount of work the team had put in to get you back, plus Steve going silent on most missions in the last few weeks besides that one job would have made Ross’s suspicious. Hopefully, by making a show of it, you would take the focus off Murdock.

Hemme took you high, turning on a wingtip to bring you in with the descending sun at your back. A soft wicker was his only warning before the big wings folded and you were falling like a stone toward the compound.

His wings snapped open with the first warning shout, but three strong back wings slowed him enough to have him settling lightly in the gravel where he pranced, neck arched and wings up, preening like an overgrown peacock.

“Enough,” you murmured, patting his neck.

“Put those weapons down!” Steve bellowed. “She’s one of ours!”

“Secretary Ross,” you gave a tilt of your head. “I hear you’re looking for me.” Steve’s nearly inaudible swear still registered for you.

“Looking for you?” he sputtered.

You urged Hemme closer, well aware of the stiffness of the four men standing in the doorway. “A blind fighter. Isn’t that what you said? Well, here I am.” You swung down from the Pegasus’s back and made your way toward Ross.

“Agent… I’m sorry. What was your name again?” he asked.

His condescending tone and attempt to belittle you by conveniently forgetting your name didn’t phase you a bit. “(Y/N) but for your purposes, why don’t you call me Sváfa.”

“And just what are you supposed to be… Sváfa?” he sneered.

You only smiled and threw the cloak back over your shoulders. “My dear Secretary. I’m a Valkyrie of Asgard. Or don’t you remember your history?” The helm came off next, revealing braids and beads and feathers, sending your hair cascading down around your shoulders where it clung to the fur collar of your cloak.

A whispered wow came from Sam, but you didn’t acknowledge him, only continued to stand before Ross. Perhaps your grin was a little smug, but you couldn’t help it.

“And you expect me to believe you’re blind?” He scoffed.

“Have a look at my eyes and tell me differently, sir.” You tilted your head back and looked to where his face would be.

The skipped beat of his heart and short inhale of breath were a dead giveaway. “But.. how?”

“Seeing is overrated,” you quipped. “My other senses enhanced with the loss of my vision. Now, I don’t need my eyes to see the twelve men you have guarding your two vehicles. Nor do I need it to know the two standing behind you have…” you paused for effect, “six guns, eight knives and two grenades between them. And you, sir,” you raked your gaze down his uniform, “have only the pistol strapped at your ankle… and the watch on your wrist which is recording and likely relaying everything being said back to your secondary team which is…” you frowned to focus, “ten miles out to the north-west.”

“And you can fight?” he said, dismissing everything else you’d done without so much as acknowledging your skills.

“Try me,” you snarled, stepping back.

The attack came fast, but you were ready for it. However, when it was both of his detail which lunged around Ross and headed straight for you, Hemme had other ideas. The one closest to him quickly found himself at the mercy of an irate stallion whose battle cry was enough to deafen everyone. The resounding crack that was the black’s faceguard catching the soldier in the chest and putting him down on the ground was loud, making everyone wince.

“Ooh, that’s gonna leave a mark,” Bucky chuckled.

“Hemme,” you held out your hand, motioning for him to back away.

The second soldier eyed the stallion warily. “He going to come at me next?”

“Nope,” you said, popping the ‘p,’ “You’re all mine.” You could hear Steve’s heart hammering away, nerves and anger rolling off him, but pushed it all aside to find your center. You breathed, deep and slow, listening as the man circled, aware of everyone and everything in those few short seconds before he was lunging at you.

You ducked his fist, avoided his leg sweep, and moved around him when he tried to grab you. As you passed beneath his arm, you wrapped your helmet against his ass. “Too slow, soldier.” With a flick, you tossed the helmet at Tony who bobbled it before catching it.

Again the man came at you, but he was large, brutish, and clearly had a complex when it came to fighting a woman. His goal seemed to be to overpower you, but you were no ordinary human. Not any longer.

The game of cat and mouse lasted only a few minutes, but it was long enough to make him mad. He threw a fist, one aimed straight at your face. When you caught it, though, he knew he was in trouble.

A chuckle escaped your lips as you planted your greave in his thigh, ribs, and abdomen, and flipped him by his captured hand without effort to his back. Air exploded from his lungs when he hit, but the man stayed down.

“Satisfied, Secretary Ross?” you asked sweetly, returning to the side of your Pegasus.

“Very. You’ll be returning to Washington with me where you will be placed under further testing while we run genetics on your… horse.”

The four at the door protested loudly, but you held up your hand. “And what makes you think I will be going anywhere with you, Ross?”

“That’s Secretary Ross to you Agent, and as you are still an agent of this organization, you will do what I say!”

“For what purpose?” you asked, curiously.

“We want to know what the Hounds put in you. Further testing is required.” He motioned to the other men who all swiftly drew weapons.

“Secretary Ross!” Steve snapped, striding forward only to stop when a gun swung his way. “You can’t do this! Banner ran every test imaginable and got you everything there was to be had!”

“I highly doubt that. You will surrender yourself to us, Agent.” He turned his attention back to you. “You will come quietly, or we will use this.”

The item was slapped into his hand by the man Hemme had taken out, but you only smiled. The collar in his hand would do him no good when you ripped it from around your throat. “That won’t work on me, Ross. I’m not a mutant or an inhuman. I am a Valkyrie of Asgard, and if you insist on this course of action, I will be forced to retaliate.” Your hand dropped to your sword, and you lifted your chin defiantly.

No one moved as electricity gathered on the air. Dark clouds swirled and gathered, filling the sky with more static. Then, the bifröst opened, and all of them jumped and swung around.

You figured Thor would be the likely arrival, but when the man who walked from the swirling current of air appeared, he was far taller with dual horns. Heimdall, Guardian of Asgard, walked toward you.

He was as big as you remembered, perhaps even bigger, moving with a fluid grace past the men whom he dwarfed in comparison. The gold of his armour, something you could sense but not see, would shine in the late day sun, but it was the item on his arm, and in his hand, you focused on.

“Heimdall.” You smiled when he approached but barely managed to hold in your surprise when he bowed deeply and settled slowly to his knee.

“Your majesty. My Lord Odin, the All-father, and your beloved guardian bid me bring you this.” He held out your shield.

“My thanks, Heimdall.” You took it graciously, having been wondering where it was.

“He also bid me return this to you, Sváfa, daughter of Tove, Queen of the Valkyrjur, and remind you of your oath to return swiftly. Any and all who stand against you will be met with the wrath of the King of Asgard.” He turned his hand over and held out the circle of heavily embossed metal.

You had no idea how Odin had come to possess it, but you touched it, ran your finger along the edge over the ornate flowers and small impressions. It had been centuries since you’d been in the presence of your symbol of authority. “Heimdall,” you whispered, fear in your voice.

“You must,” he said just as softly.

“You know what it means if I take this.”

“I do.”

You sighed, your shield suddenly feeling heavy on your arm. “Do it.”

He rose up to his impressive height and placed the crown down upon your head. “All witness the return of Sváfa, Queen of the Valkyrjur, beloved adopted daughter of Odin, sister to Thor and Loki.” He turned to face the gaping Ross and his men. “May any who come against her do so at their own peril.”

You closed your eyes as the weight of the title, the crown, all of it settled on your shoulders again after a thousand years. Odin had pushed you into this, had forced your hand, but whether or not he had foreseen the coming conflict with Ross, you couldn’t be sure. Either way, for better or worse, you were once again the Valkyrie Queen. Power hummed in your veins, and you felt burdened, overwhelmed by too many challenges. What peace you’d found wrapped in the arms of your sjelevenn had vanished.

Lifting your head, you assumed a mask of regality and stared down your nose at Ross. “I will not go with you, Secretary Ross. You no longer outrank me. And unless you wish to go to war with Asgard, you will get in your cars and never again attempt to force my compliance.”

“This isn’t over,” he growled, clearly angry.

“Yes,” you stated coldly, “It is.”

“We’ll see about that!” he huffed.

Rational thought went out the window with his continued defiance. Your sword was in your hand before anyone could move and you whipped it up and thrust it down into the earth in one smooth move. A burst of energy exploded out from the contact, taking the feet out from under all his soldiers and throwing Ross against the hood of his vehicle.

“Behold the mighty Glemsel. The Sword of Oblivion,” Heimdall intoned at your side. “The destroyer of worlds and cleanser of unworthy souls.”

“Do not test me, Ross!” you snarled, gliding forward, cape snapping and sword singing in your hand. “You have no idea what I am capable of. You come for me or my steed or my family, and I will see your soul to the afterlife so fast you will be there before your body drops!”

“I think you’d best get in your vehicles and get gone,” Bucky muttered.

“And make an appointment next time,” Tony agreed.

“Wouldn’t want you to end up on the pointy end of (Y/N)’s sword after all,” Sam added.

Steve’s strides brought him swiftly to your back. He wrapped an arm around your waist and reached up over his shoulder. He was running on adrenaline and instinct, letting his muscle memory lead, for he drew the sword from his back and brought it down with a grace he should have been lacking. “Or mine. You come for her again, Ross, and there will be nowhere on Earth safe for you.”

“Behold Rettferdighet. The Sword of Justice.” This time, amusement laced Heimdall’s voice. “The righter of wrongs and bringer of peace.”

“Sjelevenn,” you smiled, leaning into Steve.

“Min vakre skjoldpike,” Steve murmured, eyeing Ross.

“So, that’s how it is, eh Rogers?” Ross sniffed.

“That’s exactly how it is,” Steve growled.

“A Valkyrie Queen for America’s Golden hero.” Ross nodded and turned away.

You could almost hear the wheels turning in his mind. You doubted you’d like what was coming next, but you weren’t about to ask for details. There was no way you would be beholden to that man in any way, shape, or form no matter how difficult he was about to make your life.

“Be advised,” Heimdall called out before Ross got in his vehicle. “Asgard is watching. Asgard is always watching. Bring harm to our Queen in any capacity, and we will show you no mercy.”

“You would go to war with Earth?” Ross asked.

“No. Only you.” Heimdall smiled, but it was most certainly not a nice smile if the way they all scurried to get in their vehicles was any indication.

Once they were away, including the ones hiding out as a secondary force you let yourself relax. “They're gone.”

Steve spun you around and took you by the shoulders, the hilt of his sword digging in as he shook you. “What the hell are you doing!? Do you know how foolish and dangerous it is to go up against Ross?”

“I am well aware of both, Steve.”

“Then why?” he bellowed.

“Because. The choice has been made. I will not allow them or anyone to take Matt when he has been my guide in this. We promised him anonymity, and he’ll get it even if he chooses to leave.” You made no mention of Elektra, but neither had they. “And as for this,” you motioned toward your head, “you already know I have to go home.”

“What?” Bucky burst out angrily. “The fuck you do!”

You ignored him in favour of looking to Heimdall. “Guardian,” you smiled as you sheathed your sword and held out your hands.

He took them without hesitation and bowed deeply. “Majesty.”

It sent a flush to your cheeks. “Why are you here? Who watches the gates of Asgard?”

“Another has taken my place for a time.” He reached up and drew the helmet of horns from his head before kneeling again. “Odin bid me come. He wills me to assist you in locating the Sjeletyv. May my eyes be of use to see what cannot be seen.”

You set your hand on his shoulder. “Your assistance is welcome.”

“He asks that I also teach your sjelevenn our ways for the forthcoming journey you will make.” Heimdall looked at Steve. “Though I see the sword remembers. Perhaps my task will not be so great after all.”

“Whoa! Hold the phone!” Tony barked, marching closer with Sam and Bucky hot on his heels. “Who are you? What is this about? Where are you going? What happened to (Y/N) - nice duds by the way - and are we just blabbing it around that you're the Queen now? Also, what the hell’s the big idea keeping things like how bad what’s her name smells from me? You think I can’t cycle the air different? Or vent your room directly from outside? Dammit, (Y/N)! You should have said something! The same goes for all this… stuff you went through with your sisters. You could have said something,” he slowed his tirade, sounding very contrite. “You aren’t alone, girly.”

You threw yourself at him and wrapped your arms around his neck. “I’m sorry, Tony. I wasn’t thinking.” You were. You had been. You were thinking to spare those you could from the pain and trauma of your past, but evidently, you’d only hurt their feelings.

“I was rough on you when it all went down. I’m sorry too, kid,” he said, hugging you tightly before shoving you back a foot. “But we are a team, dammit! Start acting like it!”

“Yes, sir!” you saluted, making him chuckle.

Steve said nothing, only turned on his heel, sword still in hand to urge Hemme to follow him toward the barn. Even as the others bombarded you with questions, your senses followed Steve. He was irked with you. Maybe a little more than irked.

“Go talk to him,” Bucky murmured. “You damn near scared the life out of him with that stunt you pulled. I ain’t seen him that tense since… ever. You're gonna give the old guy a heart attack.”

You nodded and pulled away, jogging after Steve. You caught up just as he made his way into the trees and took the sword from his hand. “You could have put this away,” you said as you guided the sword back into its sheath on his back.

“Can’t. I got it out, didn’t want to decapitate myself putting it back,” he said softly.

It would have made you snicker if he hadn’t sounded so unhappy. “Steve…”

“That was a big risk you just took.”

Unable to deny it, you didn’t even try. “It worked out.”

“Because Odin is meddling. I see where Loki gets it from,” he grumbled. “What would you have done if Heimdall hadn’t shown up?”

“I’d a showed him just how difficult making me doing anything I didn’t want to do would have been.”

“And then what? When he came again, with more men, and more orders? We aren’t above the law, (Y/N)!”

You came to a stop and stared at him incredulously. “You think I don’t know that? Me? Me, when I’ve gone through SHIELD training and court training. You think I don’t know exactly how all this political bullshit goes down? Well, let me tell you something, Steven. At times politics does nothing but get in the way! Laws do more harm than good when they protect the guilty and punish the innocent, so if I have to break a few laws to do what I must to protect this realm you better damn well believe I will, because it’s not about me, or us, or the Avengers. This time it’s about all of Midgard! Every last man, woman, and child. I will not stand idly by and let someone like Ross who is more interested in what’s good for his image get in the way of saving this world!”

“So you act recklessly? Threaten him? To what end? We could have bluffed our way through, but instead, you wing your way down there like some avenging angel when we didn’t need you!”

A gasp escaped your lips as you stepped back, hurt slamming through your body no different than a blow. “Oh…”

“Baby… I… that’s not what I meant.” Steve stepped toward you, but you skirted around him to lead Hemme on.

“It’s fine, Cap. I get it. Still blind. Still incapable. Still useless. I get it.” You walked on, ignoring the spike of tears.

“Dammit! Stop putting words in my mouth!” he bellowed, grabbing you by the arm and jerking you around.

“Then what? What, Steven? How am I supposed to take being unneeded?”

“You scared me, alright! Is that what you want to hear? You scared me! I’d rather face a thousand Hydra soldiers than know you’d put yourself squarely on Ross’s radar. I know what he’s capable of. I’ve seen it!” he said harshly. “Then he thinks he can just take you from me? Take you away. Turn you into some fucking science experiment? I had his death at my hands planned out six different ways before he’d even finished speaking. I would have killed him. Right then and there, and that scared me. I’ve never wanted to murder someone before. I’ve never reached that level of hatred, not even when I saw what being on the Raft had done to Wanda, but goddammit, baby. I’d a ripped him apart if he’d touched one hair on your head.”

“Steve… I…” you didn’t know what to say. You’d talked about this earlier but seeing it live, for what it was, was shocking.

“Then the bifröst opens, and Heimdall comes down to make you Queen, and I’m suddenly the one who feels unneeded.” He shook his head and looked away.

“I need you,” you whispered, the tears tipping over. “I’ll always need you.”

“Baby,” he sighed and bent to rest his forehead against yours only to pause before smacking his on your crown. “I’m worried. Where the hell did Ross come from? Why now? How did he get this intel? Does this mean we have a leak? A mole? Shit! I thought we’d cleared this up after Garry.”

“I don’t know,” you whispered, wrapping your arms around his waist and resting your head on his shoulder instead. “I just don’t know.”

Next Chapter

[yourdailykitsch]

Taylor Kitsch Describes What It Was Like to Play David Koresh in ‘Waco’

It took Taylor Kitsch time to wrap his head around how to play David Koresh in “Waco,” the Paramount Network’s new six-part series about the siege of the Branch Davidian compound in 1993 that ended in fire and death.

The actor says he found there was much about the high school dropout turned leader of the Branch Davidian religious sect (or cult, depending on your point of view) hard to fathom. When Kitsch first told people he would be playing the role, he said he would hear things like, “That guy was crazy.”

“I knew I wasn’t going ‘crazy’ to play the role,” says Kitsch, who comes off as a pretty relaxed guy. “But you can’t just mimic him. I think the biggest thing was to go into it with the cleanest slate possible so you could get to his beliefs.”

John Erick Dowdle and Drew Dowdle. the executive producers of the series, say in casting someone to play Koresh they needed somebody who was likable, fun and warm to be around but who could then play the dark sides of his personality.

“Koresh was very different than Charles Manson or Jim Jones,” explains Drew. “People saw him as your cool older brother.”

For the role, Kitsch lost 30 pounds, studied guitar, learned to sing and studied Scripture. The Dowdles gave him audio and video of Koresh, of which there is plenty.

If you compare it to the tapes, you see that Kitsch nails the character. “His voice was so distinct. It’s in its way lighter than mine. So learning to sing helped me get to talk like him, and he could talk for hours about Scripture.”

Still, the key was trying to figure out how to humanize Koresh. As a child, Koresh was a victim of abuse, but that hardly explains everything about him. As Kitsch points out, Koresh had memorized the Bible by the age of 16 and would go on to publicly debate serious religious scholars. His speaking abilities attracted devoted followers who believed him to be a messiah. The Branch Davidians believed that end times were near.

Koresh told followers that a revelation instructed him to take multiple wives, so that he could father enough children to sit on the 24 heavenly thrones described in the Book of Revelation.

“You know, it’s difficult to write a character who tells everyone that they have to be celibate – but he’s going to be sleeping with their wives – and not make it sound ludicrous,” says John.

That wasn’t all. The sect leader reportedly chose multiple “wives” for himself from children as young as 11. There were also charges that Koresh physically abused children as a form of punishment.

One piece of source material for “Waco” was “A Place Called Waco” by David Thibodeau, who was one of the nine Branch Davidian members to survive the fire at the compound. Another was FBI negotiator Gary Noesner’s recounting of the 51-day siege in his book “Stalling for Time.”

“It’s hard not to read both of these books and not have empathy for both sides, no matter what your preconceptions might be,” says Drew. “We tried to tell the story from show both sides, warts and all.”

Thibodeau (played by Rory Culkin in the series) actually met Koresh at Guitar Center in Hollywood a few years before the siege, a fact that the Dawdles loved but logistically weren’t able to work into the show. The sect leader had a cover band – you see them playing The Knack’s “My Sharona” – and Thibodeau was a drummer.

February 28 will mark the 25th anniversary of the U.S. Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms’ raid on the Mount Carmel compound, about 10 miles outside of Waco. The Branch Davidians had been there for years, but under Koresh they had built up a store of weapons and paramilitary gear that began to draw the attention of the government agency.

The raid turned out to be a fiasco. Four ATF agents and six Davidians were killed during the two-hour firefight, and when the agency failed to take the compound, the FBI moved in and began a siege.

“I think in a way it was a publicity stunt gone wrong,” says John. “I think the ATF thought people are going to hate them, so they wanted to make a big show of taking them down.”

Both sides were dug in by the time FBI agent Gary Noesner (played by Michael Shannon) arrived at Mount Carmel to try to negotiate a peaceful outcome. “I couldn’t get David Koresh and my on-scene commander to act reasonable at the same time,” Noesner says.

The agent adds that the reason he joined the project was “it attempts to show both sides and the humanity on both sides. There were good people inside. There were good people outside. Just a very tragic set of circumstances contributed to the negative outcome.”

A quarter of a century later, Thibodeau still expresses his admiration for Koresh, whose real name Vernon Howell

“He was definitely very complex. He had sides to him that you just wanted to know deeper, but after 25 years, you read a lot of other things,” says Thibodeau. “I think that the universe is eternal for a reason. And I think everyone is going to have to face their maker, including David Koresh.”

The 51-day siege ended on April 19 when the FBI made a final assault to remove the Branch Davidians by force. During the fight, the church building caught on fire, and 76 people inside died, including Koresh, his “wives,” and children.

The reasons for the assault and what happened exactly remain in dispute, but the tragic event was cited by Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols as a motivation for the bombing of the Federal building in Oklahoma City bombing exactly two years later.

CBS has already done a documentary about the event, and A&E is planning one that will air later this month.

The Dowdles are wondering what the reactions will be to the series after it premieres Wednesday on the Paramount Network, which had been known as Spike until last Friday, and whether it will draw debate.

“So far the people we’ve worked with on both sides say that they appreciate us telling their story, but that the other side was worse,” says Drew.

Waco

What: Six-part series about the siege of the Branch Davidians compound in 1993.

When: Premieres 10 p.m. Wednesday.

Where: The Paramount Network.

[inkscreen]

Change

Sometimes, I dread going home.

There are new books on the bookshelves, in addition to the books I deemed not important enough to take with me to my new home. Books that are not in a language I usually read in, books that I didn’t even know my mother liked even though her eyesight is failing and the most she reads these days is a page or two from the Tamizh magazines that land on her doorstep every week.

My notes and books from university—only a decade ago but feels like several—are neatly packed in a cardboard box languishing in a corner, gathering dust because I’ve not bothered to unpack the box since we moved to this house. The dust rises every time the window is opened, floats gently around the house, and settles. On the bed, on the rickety side table that also doubles as a makeshift kitchen counter for the induction stove when the gas runs out, on the line of shirts hanging behind the door, on the clothesline that extends from one corner of the bedroom to the other.

Years ago, I would have fought for that clothesline to exist outside the house, where my mother would have been embarrassed to hang her freshly washed blouses and petticoats and nighties. I wanted a clean, clutter-free, dust-free bedroom. I couldn’t fathom the embarrassment then; I do not have the mental capacity to bother about a clutter-free house now.

The kitchen has been rearranged, and I find that jarring even though I never cooked in my maternal home. I reach for the salt; my hand automatically goes to a specific shelf in a flash of physical memory that leaves my brain reeling when my fingers close around a jar of ground pepper instead. There is sambar podi and saaru podi in the corner where the lentils used to be. The rice has been relegated to the middle shelf because my mother cannot bend down to reach the bottom shelf anymore.

I try to make tea and I find myself facing brown sugar instead of white.

Everything is unfamiliar and my heart lurches because I’ve come home to help out, and yet, I find myself turning to my mother at every step of cooking.

My mother, who hovers.

Hovers while I’m roasting spices in ghee for that final touch for the sambar. Hovers while I’m sweeping the floor, something that has not been done for weeks now. Hovers while I’m rearranging the shelves that hold nondescript everyday items. I want to put the photo frames and the plaques on the top shelf so my parents will have easy access to the things they use every day, but she insists that the frames be put where she can reach them. The frames showcase a bare handful of moments from the last couple of years or so and they need to be dusted and cleaned everyday. Even though the cloth bags end up on another, higher shelf and my father will need a stool to reach them.

There are other changes too.

My mother has a visitor every day, who alights on the kitchen windowsill for his habitual dose of mosaranna and chips. He caws in protest if she delays his food or if someone else feeds him. Or if, god forbid, he happens to get bread instead of rice.

The crow doesn’t have a name, but on the days he doesn’t turn up, my mother’s anxiety levels ratchet. My father has eaten, she has eaten but there’s still a member of the family that remains unfed. I rarely ever get lunchtime phone calls from my mother making sure I have had lunch, what I ate, and whether I ate well, but if I ever do, I know there was no crow visit that day. Only leftover mosaranna.

------

My father does not take his bike out anymore. A rickety thing, that motorbike.

It’s nearly 20 years old and has accompanied my father to all of his sales and marketing appointments, school pick-ups and drops, household errands, and leisure trips. It has gone with him on sneaky alcohol-fuelled Mahabalipuram visits, on long drives to middle-of-nowheresville to visit relatives, and on short trips to pick up quick dinner—maybe a plate or two of idli-chutney or what passed for bisi bele bath in Chennai 15 years ago.

The motorbike was my father’s constant and he wouldn’t use it anymore.

Instead, the arrival of Uber has made him more social than before. He wouldn’t go all the way to the other end of the city to meet friends; yet, now, he goes out with enthusiasm, much to the displeasure of my mother who is neither asked if she wishes to come along nor has any say in the matter of his departure.

It wouldn’t be too far from the truth if I said Appa’s constant Ubering pissed Amma off. She’s at home all day, all the time, and the only company she has is busy gallivanting around the city in search of entertainment. Most times, this involved rather long ‘walks’ in the park; I put walks in quotes because that’s his time for gossip with the other neighbourhood uncles. Like the 80-year-old retired cardiac surgeon who had a heart attack while his chartered accountant son was abroad. Or the uncle whose diabetes count was in the 500s and was still miraculously alive and functioning.

Appa’s friends are a motley crew and he loves it.

This was jarring too. He was the man who would collapse in front of the tv the moment he came home from work and refuse to move a finger. He now has a wide social circle, washes dishes at home, sweeps the floor, and generally contributes to the upkeep of the house. Of course, this is in addition to the endless hours of cricket and mindless news he still watches. He simply transferred his office hours into socialising and doing household chores.

He Ubered around for household errands too, pointedly not taking his bike. It’s too heavy he complained at one point. Roads are too crowded. It’s hot. Too many idiots on bikes. But we knew, both Amma and I. His reluctance to take the bike had nothing to do with any of these but more a realisation that he was the provider for the household anymore. No more pressure to make ends meet, no need to kill himself driving around to sell newspaper real estate in return for a pittance. With retirement, he passed on the duties of the breadwinner to me, the only child at my just-turned-into-an-adult age of 20, and blissfully switched off. That was eight years ago. Now he makes dose hittu runs in an auto for thirty rupees and whistles while climbing up the stairs.

It was one of these Uber trips that I realised the parents were not the only cornerstones in my life that had changed.

My city had changed too.

---

Most teens have specific hangouts that they frequent. I belonged to the very small minority of those without hangouts and other teens to hang out with. I had friends, yes, but they were mostly like me—serious about academics, had protective parents who wouldn’t let them out anywhere without supervision. After school hangouts at juice parlours were an absolute no no. “You see them at school everyday” or “Come home and talk with friends” were constant refrains in all our lives.

And I didn’t have friends whose parents said and did none of the above.

Oh those girls existed and we knew who they were, but of course, my friends and I were very gently discouraged from making those associations. Not from parents, they didn’t know. But from the girls themselves.

As a result, all my hangout spots were near college when I’d gotten a degree of mobility that did not involve a parent. I also finally discovered the spots that the popular girls from school hung out at and I made sure to frequent them at the ripe old age of 18 when everyone else around me was 14+ and gave me weird side-eyes because I was not in school uniform. In tamizh, this would be called alpam, but I didn’t really care.

I nodded along with others when the topic of these spots came up.

One pani puri place had been renovated but puris did not taste the same anymore. *Nod*

The old juice parlour shut down and there’s some weird stationary shop in its place. *omg, I miss that place!*

The computer centre is no longer around, what a shame; I used to chat with my boyfriend everyday for an hour there. *mortified grin*

You get the gist.

The roads to my school are now nearly unrecognisable. New store fronts, apartments, restaurants have all sprung up rapidly, like the first gush of water when you open a tap too fast before you can dial it back. My actual memorable spots are missing; like the paan-beeda guy who used to give me a spoon of free tutti-frutti every time my dad stopped for a paan; the general shop opposite my school that stocked everything from sanitary pads and rice to highly specific barbie doll-themed geometry boxes and lemon cupcakes; the then-new vegetable mandi that father and I used to go do our weekly grocery shopping instead of my mother buying from her usual vegetable pushcart vendor. All gone.

My school with its massive rusted navy blue iron gates and seemingly impenetrable blue walls was now several shades of demure brown. I’d hated the blue back then—our school uniform was mustard brown and my anal soul was horrified that the paint did not match the uniform. Now that it does, I am not sure it is any better than the blue. The whole thing still looks quite ugly, especially when combined with the yellow and brown tiles they’ve used on the compound walls.

Every time I pass my school now, which is admittedly only for the duration that I am at home, my eyes want to roll back into my head and stay there. At least the blue had a comforting familiarity. The brown is simply monstrous.

[benjaminreevesart]

WHY DOES FORTUNA DISAPPOINT ME SO?

In November of 2018 DE released its latest OpenWorldTM Fortuna, an update I had been waiting for with bated breath from the edge of my seat since its announcement last year. At the time of launch I was logging in every day just for the chance to be one of the first to experience it.

Now over a month later, I sit here struggling to convince myself to go back. Yes, even after the heist update. A sentiment seemingly shared among many others in the community. So as with all things in life we must ask ourselves… why?

-Aesthetic: they decided to drop this thing in November, so I guess instead of going outside to play in the snow users could stay inside log on to warframe and play… in the snow. Yay.

I find myself missing the familiar exotica of not-africa and its kind-of-alive-but-not-really-except-its-made of-flesh-and-you-can-eat-it-wtf-DE? tower. (that bothers me). Just standing in these updates’ respective hub-areas and listening to the ambiance of the environment speaks volumes. The plains has haggling traders, merchants announcing their wares, wind rustling through the many canopies and tent flaps of hand hade fabric, it feels alive where fortuna feels like a cold mechanical day job. If you say that’s intentional… well, I hardly think boredom is anything to aspire to.

I get that they’re going for a sci-fi-punk feel, but it just comes off as monotonous, hopeless, and impersonal.

-Personal connection: Sure Saya’s Vigil was stupid romantic melodrama, sure onko’s decision is lame, sure it was kinda dumb to give newby players a warframe blueprint they couldn’t build until after reaching the mid-game, but ya know what? It worked.

I know who saya and konzu are, i have been with them on their story, every time I see konzu standing there with his girl I know that is because of me. My journey, my struggle, my effort brought these people together. Its simple its small, its human.

I mean who the hell is eudico anyway, why does she fight? Why caste shade on biz’s origins, and are we just going to gloss over an innocent person getting their head chopped off and their organs harvested in the open fucking street???????? There are constant references to people being “brain-shelved” which I can only assume means they get their brain put in a jar and thrown in someone’s freezer, and we get ZERO resolution for that! I mean sure there are fragments to find and scan, but they don’t really tell us anything that couldn’t already have been inferred. With exception to the relationship between biz and little-duck, not that it seems to play into any of their interactions at all. The business does have his conservation thing, which is a part of his character, an old war veteran understand the fragility of life and working to preserve it through peaceful means. But the spirit of it is robbed when they give the same shtick to the random bird guy from cetus. Why? while I could buy Nef Anyo hunting whole species to extinction for profit, nothing about the setting of the plains suggests the animals are in any kind of danger from the grineer. Its just pointless. I mean you could’ve just used the business for both, maybe he’s building a zoo for critters from all over the system, I wouldn’t have questioned it. Heck, it could even have been a nice little unlock to see the place once you catch one of every animal.

Weirdly enough the one character I think is kind of done right here is ticker. Yeah, the kiosk guy above biz’s shop whose only purpose is to sell you debt bonds so you can increase your standing. Maybe its just a dumb stereotype but I like tickers flair for the theatrical, I find it charming. Plus, his first fragment is so terribly depressingly human it just makes me want to give the poor dude a hug.

But at least there’s plenty of snow in the sandbox… er…

-The sandbox is full: I may not be in the console market these days but there have been a lot of sandbox games as of late, like… ALOT! Its basically the only game Ubisoft makes anymore. A wide-open area filled to burst with pointless shallow time wasting minigames of no real importance. OpenWorldTM. The announcement said Orb Vallis would be twice the size of Eidolon and good god does it feel like it! The very construction of the map itself restricts you from moving around it. With its massive board blocking Tim Burton mountains, and how those same mountains prevent you from utilizing the full freedom of the hoverboard, a new vehicle introduced with the update. Sure, there’s a new pet and new guns, but we already had fishing, we had mining, we had a new faction of peaceful traders and merchants to interact with. Outside of new shooty-tubes and endo dumps I don’t really see what’s so special here, especially when the terrain itself renders the races more chore than a challenge without delivering on any significant or memorable locations. Which is weird since there are interesting set pieces in the Vallis that are just never used. Of all the bounties I did getting to “old mate” rank the only location used was a data vault spy mission. You know, the building with the profit taker on it, yeah, you know the one the worst part of the map. Its built like a maze, is too easy to get lost in, has too many BIG rooms going into tiny vents you need an eagle eye to find, and its just an unenjoyable mess. This is especially infuriating as there are numerous more interesting locals around the map, they could use for practically any of the bounties. But no, its never the big Nef Anyo statue we’re fighting under it’s that damn farm thing again. Its never that cool cavernous road through the mountains, its that same damn bridge right in front of Fortuna. Its never a big base filled with enemies and tons of vertical platforms, its always that one generic outpost just down the road.

-Environmental Story: what’s even worse for the environment is its total lack of connection to the rest of the universe. The Plains weren’t just some vaguely African safari area, it was a battlefield. Haunted with the remains of shattered sentient contained within a massive forcefield that also happened to protect it from the deadly radiation and poisons of the outside world. The strange rocks which dot the landscape are the remains of alien spacecraft and its soils are stuffed with all manner of deadly armaments and tools. So, it makes perfect sense that the grineer or other factions would covet this area for its agricultural and military resources. The vallis just looks like a giant sink of effort and resources that could be put to more productive use elsewhere, doubly so considering it’s the corpus funding the whole operation. Which is even more sad given that environmental stories are the one story telling mechanic exclusive to video games. There is no other medium which allows a reader or a viewer to experience its world at their own pace to seek information in their own ways. Making this literary opportunity not only a waste of warframes universe but of the medium itself.

This is naturally only compounded upon with how the resources of the vallis seem even more restricted to fortuna than the plains did to cetus. The toroids are the worst offence in this, but I think I’ll save my thoughts on this growing problem in warframe for when I get around to covering the jovian concord as the issue of resource gating is more blatant there.

-The warframes: so garuda and baruuk, while I find it strange that DE released two frames around the same time that where functionally immortal, I just find their acquisition boring. Garuda’s main blueprint is just handed to you after finishing the introduction mission, and baruuk is straight up just another item you buy. The only difference between buying baruuk for real money and buying him for in game currency is time, and a lot of it given how rare the resource to get him is. Now I know garas main was given at the end of sayas vigil too but there it was built up as an ancient relic of mystical origin. A man left his wife and home to keep this powerful artifact out of enemy hands, sacrificing his whole life and happiness to keep them safe. You weren’t building just another tank with tits; you were reviving a warrior of legend who slew giants and protected the innocent. Revenant as well, had a deific entity granting visions to a child guiding you to the grave of an ancient warrior who fought and eventually fell to the control of his hated enemy. This might sound like a re-tred of inaros for most of you but at least gara and revenent look their parts, rather than just a mish mash of infested gunk slapped onto a skeleton. Point is worldbuilding matters, especially for the warframes. Being the name-sake of the game they deserve some kind of gravitas behind them. Treating a new warframe like another commodity to be bought off a shelf or passed out like a gold star from kindergarden is just… condescending. At least hyldryn got a boss fight out of her release, which is more of a backhanded compliment when you realize almost every other warframe gets a boss fight by default. Soooo… yeah.

 Conclusion:

Maybe I’m jaded, just sick of snow, or maybe I’m projecting my exhaustion with the OpenWorldTM genre, I don’t know. There are a lot of reasons I find fortuna unfulfilling, but ultimately, I think its this; fortuna and the vallis were supposed to be an extension to the warframe universe, a playground to explore new perspectives and build on its mythos. It didn’t do that. We went from space travelling assassins trying to fight a war on many fronts to make the galaxy a better place, to a plucky resistance force against an evil conglomerate. It just doesn’t fit with the world we’ve already seen. everything “new” that was introduced here may be new to warframe but has been done much better within any title from the cyberpunk genre.

Its really a shame too as just looking a around can be breathtaking at times, some caves and structures are genuinely beautiful to look at. A lot of work was clearly put into this update, just not in the right places. Gameplay has a few upgrades, the environments are pretty if frustrating to traverse, but the story just comes up short. Sure, we can tolerate illogical grinds and only semi-complete mythologies for our new areas, but without a good story to keep us coming back, to tie everything together, its just disappointing.

-END OF LINE.

[razorblade-eyes]

GGS Spotlight: Dorothea Tsang

Name: Dorothea Tsang Age: 28 Location: Allentown, PA

What does being a Girl Gone Strong mean to you?  It means that I am unapologetically strong, mentally and emotionally. I am comfortable with, and proud to be, who I am. I don’t feel the need and refuse to be any less for anyone’s comfort or to fit in to their expectation of who I should be. Being a Girl Gone Strong also means that I am someone who supports and raises other women up. It is truly an honor to be considered a Girl Gone Strong, and I hope that I can live up to it and represent it to the fullest.

How long have you been strength training, and how did you get started? I started lifting during sophomore year of college but really only started pursuing heavy lifting five years ago. It was really by accident; I had been picking weights that I thought were “appropriate” for a female but wasn’t really feeling sore afterwards. Then I started lifting with my boyfriend at the time, and he was pushing me to add weights because it looked like I was having too easy of a time. Since I had a spotter for the first time in my life, and he had been strength training longer than I had, I trusted him and let him keep adding weights until he deemed that I was finally struggling just enough.

I was impressed with the weight I could lift and realized that there were guys around me who were struggling more than I was with the same weight. My competitive side kicked in and it’s been a competition with myself to see how far I can go ever since.

What does your typical workout look like? I’ll usually do a little stretching since I have a desk job and feel tight by the end of the workday. Then I’ll do a dynamic warm-up from either Modern Woman’s Guide to Strength Training or Unapologetically Powerful. After warming up, I’ll follow the program from Unapologetically Powerful for the day if I have the time for a longer workout; otherwise, I will do three to four sets of three to five compound exercises (either full-body or for a certain area, depending on what the rest of my week looks like) at a relatively heavy weight to get the most out of the limited time I have to work out.

Favorite lift:  Bench press!

Most memorable PR: I have two memorable PRs that I can’t really decide between. The first is the deadlift PR that I hit during my last meet. There was another woman in my weight class at roughly the same body weight as me who had failed in her second attempt at weight five kilograms above my planned third attempt. We were close in score, so I decided to increase my third attempt by 5 kilograms to match hers. It was a stretch but I had nailed my second attempt and there was a chance for me to overcome her score if I got my third attempt. I wasn’t sure I could do it and it was definitely a struggle but the cheering from the crowd and the MC helped me get that bar up. It was amazing!

The second memorable PR was the first time I benched after recovering from a back injury. I hadn’t lifted in months but went to a workshop that Jen Sinkler put together. While I sat out of an exercise the group was doing because I couldn’t move so quickly with my back still not being at 100 percent, I decided to see if I could still bench my latest PR, just for sh*ts and giggles. When that one felt like a breeze, I threw on 10 more pounds and hit a new PR!

Do you prefer to train alone or with others? Why? I can go either way but I prefer to train with at least one other person since the gym is usually one of my few times to socialize and because I’ll randomly want to try maxing out and need a spotter.

Top 5 songs on your training playlist:  I usually listen to the latin pop/dance radio on Pandora when I’m training. When I’m trying to hit a new one-rep max, I’ll put on visual kei like the Gazette or 12012.

Most embarrassing gym moment: I was attempting a one-rep max bench press without a spotter. I thought I felt pretty good that day but when that bar was on its way down, this long “uhhhhhhh” crescendoed in my head as I realized the bar was a lot heavier than I thought it would be. It was probably the slowest descent and pin-down ever. If anyone was watching, they probably would’ve noticed my eyes getting bigger and bigger as the bar came down. I had made sure to set the safety bars properly so that I wouldn’t get hurt but I didn’t give myself enough room to have clearance between the bars and my boobs. I got to spend the next few minutes wriggling and trying to roll the bar down the length of my body so I could get out from underneath.

Most memorable compliment you’ve received lately: “You’re perfect for being a trainer. You’re charismatic and fun to be around!” (The comment I got when I was “voluntold” to conduct the training on quality for the 400-some new employees that were starting at the beginning of the year.)

Most recent compliment you gave someone else: I’m a huge fan of fashion color in hair (pink, teal, green, blue, etc) so I always compliment someone when I see they have some fashion color in their hair, especially older women, because it takes some guts to go against what’s considered “normal” for the time.

Favorite meal:  There is no such thing — I love most, if not all, food.

Favorite way to treat yourself:  A nice massage.

What inspires and motivates you?  Watching other women lift heavy.

What do you do? I’m a project quality engineer for Mack Trucks. I am responsible for quality management of new product development projects for both the Mack brand and the Volvo Trucks brand, as well as industrial projects at the plant where I work. This usually involves conducting failure mode analyses, creating control plans, and going to the production lines to support builds. Prior to this, I had a short stint as a process engineer at a chemical plant which was preceded by approximately five years as a product engineer in a cryogenics business.

What else do you do? I am going to grad school part-time for a dual masters in engineering management and mechanical engineering with a minor in project management. I also just got a puppy so in any spare time I have outside of work and school, I enjoy training and playing with my puppy.

Your next training goal: 200-pound bench, 300-pound squat, and 400-pound deadlift!

For what are you most grateful? I am the most grateful for my parents who gave me the life I have because of their hard work after immigrating to the U.S. when they were in their early 20s. My mom repeated high school so that she could learn English and excel in college, and my dad has worked tirelessly supporting our family (both nuclear and extended).

Of what life accomplishment do you feel most proud? Becoming comfortable in my skin by learning to love my muscles and my strength.

Tell us about a time when you overcame fear or self-doubt. I was recently offered the opportunity to act as project manager for an industrial project at work, to help prepare my department for the upcoming production rate increase. It was the first endeavor for which I was a project manager; I had only ever learned theory up until then. The project was, and still is, a bit of a mess because of various factors. I’m still trying to do my best though and produce as good an outcome as I possibly can given the limitations.

How has lifting weights changed your life?

Lifting weights has made me more confident in myself and turned me into a more assertive person.

Before I found powerlifting, I did not have a lot of self-love and would often go into these “pits of despair” about how my body did not match and could never become like the bodies I saw in magazines and on TV. I had an awful relationship with food, went on diets that demanded extremely low caloric intake, and did cardio for hours after I binged. Now, I have a much better relationship with food and have learned that I don’t need to have a super restricted diet in order to lose weight. In fact, sometimes I can’t even finish everything on my meal plan for a given day. I glorify in my muscles and have no problems showing them off to or sharing my weight with any of my guy friends or any of the men at work.

What’s the coolest “side effect” you’ve experienced from strength training? I’ve become more dense — my body weight is pretty heavy but I don’t look it. I also get to eat more and still lose weight.

What do you want to say to other women who might be nervous or hesitant about strength training?

Strength training can have an enormously positive effect on your perception of yourself when you realize the amazing things your body can actually do in contrast to what society tells us it can do.

Despite being one of few women in an engineering field — especially in my current industry — and being used to having very little expected of me because I am a female, this was the one aspect of my life where I felt that I had to follow societal norms. It dragged me down and made me hate myself. Now I am liberated, strong, and confident.

I also hear comments from women who are hesitant because they’re afraid of bulking up. Being able to bulk up is highly dependent on genetics and diet. Even if you do bulk up, like I do, there is nothing wrong with it and it’s something to be extremely proud of. Many people try their hardest to bulk up and can’t, like my ex-boyfriend and many of my guy friends who are envious of how easily my strength returns after being out of the gym for months, as well as how easily I build muscle. It’s a superpower and looks really awesome in strapless dresses!

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