#i hate myself so.much

[the-bot-named-r0z]

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[mandyfawn29]

My ED started when I was 12. I was hospitalized for a month and a half. I've never really had a healthy eating habit.osy of my life has consisted of extreme binging and or going days without eating. I'm not sure how my eating changed from eating absolutely nothing for months to eating like a pig? I'm on a ton of medication for bipolar and borderline personality disorder as well as anxiety and ocd. They have made me gain so.much weight. Im hungry all the time. I just want to be thin so badly! I've gone back to not eating for a few days then binging. I feel lost. I hate myself and my body. No one ever said anything to me regarding my eating habits when I was eating a shit ton of food. Now they complain when I don't eat. Neither one is healthy! I feel alone. I'm desperate and determined to loose weight.

[angelphobic666]

JESUS CHRIST

do you have a minute to talk about how much life fucking sucks.it's almost like I know I'm a teenager and that this feeling of shit is gonna pass at some point but still what if it doesn't and it's like a crushing weight that sits of my chest if I think about it for too long. and I know there's so.much more to life than sexuality and love and nothing needs to be understood at the moment but I wish I could understand. I wish I could know. and I know that as a new generation girl I'm not supposed to need love and I should have high standards for how I should be treated but god......I'm so so so lonely and I'm so tired of being lonely! I'm so tired of waking up every morning and saying my day will come and then not even believing it because I'm so fucking lonely that it feels like I'm gonna feel this way forever. and I'm so sick of trying to plan my future trying to see a future for me because I don't even see a fucking next year for me and I'm stuck between this neverending black hole of not wanting to die but not wanting be living so badly and fucking not wanting to feel anything and wanting to feel everything at the same time.and sometimes I try and find a reason why. sometimes I genuinely wonder why I'm so fucking sad all the time. why I can't pull my act together and be normal. and I try to find someone or something to blame and I can't think of anyone. and I hate feeling sad especially when I have nothing to be sad about. and I'm so sick of listening to myself think and think and think that I just want to fucking shut brain off but I can't.but I can't find anything that makes me happy.not even music anymore.I tried and nothing's working I've done meditation I've done therapy I've gone down the list of everything that's ever made me happy in my short pathetic life and nothing's worked. it's dead im dead the whole happy thing died the day I walked into middle school is when the shit hit the fan and I got fucking lost.

[itsachillesbtch]

All aesthetics 💗

Sweet jesus OKflower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?I am now lmaofairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?If I am loveddaisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?Falling in love1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?Earlier today at lunchmatte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?My clothesblack nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?1.) Visit Italy 2.) Watch P!ATD live 3.) Have a nice life in generalpantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.An angel, beautiful eyes, memes, that one lizard gif, lmaomoodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?Kinda, yeahstars: when did you last cry in front of another person?Todayplants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.Kaleigh because I love her so muchconverse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?Yeahlace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?Saturday, my best friendhandwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?I love you to my momcactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?I have them, and they are magicalsunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally."I dont talk in elevators, motherfucker" -Unknown, I Really love it because I'm socially awkwardoil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?Mom: a story of Depressionoveralls: what would you do with one billion dollars?Leave this horrible town combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?Yes, it hurts a lotwinged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.Okpastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?A mix of both tbhtattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.I have a lot of piercings, and a tattoo, so I lile thempiercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?Sometimes, because I just like itbands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.XXXTENTACION because 17 made my life so.much bettermessy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.I hate myself lmaocry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.I've been to one and it was a country one, and I had the time of my life, but that was 2-3 years ago so lmaogrunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?Do they have to be alive?space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?Yes, not what so everwhite bed sheets: what is your night time routine?I don't really have one lmaoold books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?How much I would disappoint thembeaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?It is noweyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?@genericplanet @rarf-ile @verypaige @starboy-howell ehhh probs a road trip lmao11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.A better future, dogs, a life with Kalepainting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.My mermaid one I wore to school lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?Take really weird selfies that won't see the light of day lmaothunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?Suck a dick lmaostorms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?Kaleigh because she is my life at this pointlove: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.Yes, it's like standing up from a crash, like flying above water, leaping in meadowsclouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?Girl, and if I didnt have a scar around my head, probably?? coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?A grande double chocolatey chip frappe, and Sam because she knows it too well lmaomarble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?@genericplanetfin.You're welcome

[saralovestaylorswift]

Look what you made me do @taylorswift

@taylorswift This song i love the background music, i think she is taking out all her rage, heranger, she has changed over a new leaf, just like me, when people show you their real face, who they really are, and you had all your trust on them. Look what you made me do for me is like see you are the reason that has led me to change myself, to that extent that the old me, the old soul is dead. I'm a normal girl, a normal humanbeing from Pakistan. I haven't visited United States as yet but i am willing to come for taylor swift's concert all the way. @taylorswift @taylorswift please dont hate me, there are die hard fans here like me who.love you so.much, i know this country ain't safe but no matter what i still love you and always will and i love you cause this song is exactly what i have been through in a couple of days so thankyou so.much ❤😍 @taylorswift i hope my dream is fulfilled someday. i really do.

[markusn7]

Why did you hurt my friends so much, I will never know.

I don’t know who this is but one thing I’ve been trying so hard to do is to show that I never meant to hurt anyone …I wasn’t in the best mindset heart set or anything due to my own grievances and I shut down and I acted in ways I can’t even fathom why did them in the first place. I don’t even know where it is my place anymore since I can’t speak out I can’t tell anyone just how much i was hurting. But the truth of it all being I’m doing whatever I have to. To prove that I never meant to commit such wrongs or harm to anyone that I took literally shots and sacrificed all that I had for The sake of others happiness..I haven’t given up nor walked away because I could be dead tomorrow and all that people would know me for is this horrible person.. all I’m. Trying to do is show my heart and humility that i cared so.much but in my darkest hours i did wrongs that never should had happend.If i could go back to my death bed before i got out of that hospital and done something anything different or was even shown something more …i just don’t even know anymore I hate myself night and day trying to just ..Do good… There's always 2 sides to any story I’m. Sorry to whomever wrote this my head and heart haven’t been in good places and I wish my words mattered a little more ..

[hollowedskin]

do you ever just god I fucking hate. myself so.much

[smallthingboutme]

Ok so. I just ate a full fucking pizza after being full after 2 slices. I am so fucking full I might vomit and I hate myself so.much I want to fucking die!

[pastellnebula]

hello I feel like shit.

I rlly wanna text the guy i like but i feel like id just be bothering him and i dont like being a bother.

besides that, i feel like shit bc i just... idk i feel like shit.

i had built myself up this foundation for the past few months that ive been happy. ive felt so.much better. i told myself that I cant let little things bother me. that life may suck but I can still be optimistic.

but this week i came to the realization that my dad cheated on my mom before they got divorced (theyve been divorced for 9 years) and that just made this whole tower of happiness that i made for myself come crashing down. well, that and it simultsneously pulled me out of the episode of derealization I was having and put me back into another one.

i feel like I'm just stuck in the debris of all the happiness that i built up. and I hate it. it doesnt help that i feel like i have no friends outside of school. like, rn, I feel isolated and alone and i tried talking to a friend but she hasnt texted me back and i dont know what to do. i feel so distant from my friends and like im always just a fucking outlier pushing my way into their lifes and their friendships and like itd be better if i just wasnt there.

i feel unwelcome everywhere i go that isnt my own house. i hate it. i just wish itd stop. and i dont wanna bring anything up to my friends bc i don't want them to dislike me for bringing shit up and i dont want to be more annoying than I feel like I am. i dont wanna be here. i just. i fucking hate it. and it honestly feels like no one gives a fucking shit abt me besides my family, and only some of my family at that.

[icicledream-archive]

help i dont have enough energy to move my arms much or smile or breath too often but i still have homework to do

[blurry-foxes-moved-blog]

why am i here again?!

[rose-coloured-girl]

Oops it's almost 7am I haven't slept and I have to work today oh and school starts tomorrow fuck I'm awful