#i hate how he finds an opportunity to belittle my mom and mock her and never treat her as an equal at every turn

[harrowscore]

SO close to strangling my dad for what he's saying about berluconi... what a deeply ignorant little man he is at heart

[sunrisedriven]

May 24, 2020

I really wished I didn’t have to waste my time.

But if I hadn’t set my foot in those two groups, I wouldn’t have learned so much about myself, how people receive me, and how I packaged myself to fit in. It would’ve been better if I had just decided to hate people and have the opportunities to grow on my own without having to build attachment and relationships. Why do I have to be in the group consistently? Why do I have to be a member or leader of something to feel the slightest bit of value?

But my situation, now that I see it clearly, is not as simple as I wanted it to be.

At first,

I thought I was disliked for my skin color...

then my aloofness

then my zero social skills

then maybe my diction

my scar

my weight

my poor background

maybe bad breath

maybe my crooked teeth

then maybe it was because everyone thought i lost weight to seduce someone

maybe because I lost weight drastically

maybe it was my prudeness

maybe it was my anxiety

maybe how I walk

maybe my thoughts

my paranoia over what people knew

the way they think my words escape my mouth intentionally

my singleness

my faith, which to my surprise, they found overbearing

Would it have been better for me to stay alone?

With what I’ve experienced...yes

Not in the sense i regard myself as unnecessary burden to others, no, not at all

Not in the sense of never fitting in, even if that’s my reality

I have a pompous personality, I like quality things, quality future, quality people, I’m picky, but there’s nothing wrong with that except for the fact that its because those were decisions made by someone like me

The contradiction is that I also try to place everyone on a pedestal, or seriously underestimate them, all the while striving to be a person with a good heart, and if I had good intentions, why are your feelings halved in comparison? why are you so lukewarm?

I lived my life for so long thinking I was so, so wrong. Weird. Strange, not enough. Hypocritical, and if that’s not the case, careless, selfish. I hate to say this, and I beg for forgiveness from above, I have my own flaws, yes, but I’ve been mirroring some of you all too. If I’m so unnerving that my absence finally let you breathe, you are all overbearing hypocrites. What’s wrong with living a life of kindness, with some faults, mistakes, but still passionate, still human open to correction? Why do I have to feel this alone?

God...these people who said so easily that they would follow you, if you asked them tomorrow, would they really drop everything for you? Was I wrong for doubting myself? For thinking about my mom? For thinking about my present mission...did you send me there to stop my schooling? did you send me there to find You? If that’s the case, I found You, I know that very well. When I asked you to use me, I was not worthy of it at all. When I told you I’d follow you, I also needed to do well in my studies to survive. Why do I feel like I’m having this dialogue with you by myself? I asked you about this emptiness I felt- it’s because I worry about whether I’m truly living according to Your will. Tonight, my will looks like I am to be forgotten, but I linger in some places and it makes me feel so distressed. If I needed to disappear in these people’s lives for failing to confidently tell you yes, I would drop everything and follow You, why do they still know me? Wouldn’t it have been fair to wipe me out of their memories?

You know this well, God. I want to be remembered. To be recognized, to be acknowledged, that is a wish I’ve always had. But it felt so strange to be acknowledged by my own father. It feels so strange for these people to include me in pictures, to ask me how I’m doing, to notice my absence.

I bore my own cross by never making it to nursing and losing sight of my purpose. I wander aimlessly in hopes that you would pull me towards something, a direction to follow you somewhere, but here I am, fixing my future, trying to graduate. BUT you did give me something, a story, three stars, and a lot of pain. Is this, in itself, what it means to follow you, God? To feel so ostracized and forgotten, is that the will you have intended for me?

To live a life of no chill, I tell my witnesses- how dare you downsize my passion for self-advancement and ingenuity. I want to grow, to develop, to find myself in a better place, that’s all.

To stay alone was something I thought I did for them. But that was wrong, it was for my sake. If I stayed just a second longer, I would have gone insane. If I stayed longer, they would have hated me much more. I understand the door slam now, it’s a ‘format’ moment, a “let’s relieve ourselves from this tension, but I’m pressing the red button because I need some sense of control to recover from this” moment.

But the struggle for some artists like me...is that we are fascinating individuals, there’s no doubt about that, but we are hard to crack at times, mysterious, prone to misunderstanding, but that’s usually what everyone feeds on as they view their idols, their role models, bigs- right? There is an allure, but this allure may only be activated if someone takes an interest and witnesses their rich inner works and talents. Otherwise, we are weird individuals who have no place in society.

Would they have loved an author without reading her billion dollar series? Would they have loved a boy band without hearing their music? Would they have loved Picasso without knowing he painted his paintings? No, they would have been outcasts, on the outskirts, mocked, belittled, ignored.

I am in so much pain right now. But I am also angry. I thought I’d get my peace from my absence being finally acknowledged, but I feel angry instead. Sometimes, I feel indifferent. A little cynical. I feel like I did lose everything in terms of what I’ve been praying for to You. Friends, meaningful long term relationship, visibility, appreciation, care, freedom, nursing, graduation....forgiveness.

In sum, I wonder why I feel so banished for being honest with You. Would I have been better off being hypocritical? Maybe?

But I think again. My thoughts I’ve learned to just have and never lean on. But here perhaps comes Your grace upon me.

You’ve been graceful by giving me worthwhile friends who I can have for a long time, you gave me visibility in the eyes of these groups and my father, despite them being centered in the concept of absence, my presence, though silent, is roaring loud in my creation, words, songs, and images, I am graduating to work towards freedom, and nursing is not too out of reach.

In this case, I’m glad to have been honest with You because truly, this is a testament to how I fear You and my desire to pursue You. I just hope that my life becomes more than what it is right now for Your kingdom. Today I’m less, much less, so God, please, increase, let me feel Your presence, for the wrongs inflicted on me, God avenge me, for the grace and mercy You’ve given me, God may you also give that to those who have pained me.

Thank you, God. For answering my prayers through this. Now it is time. I’ll write the story. Help me write it. Let me make my songs. Equip me, lead me. Please, I pray. Please.

[deyensee]

Winter

Weeeellllllll. Here we are again. Its always the wintertime. We should honestly propose renaming winter to “Suck-time” or “Everything is not good time” or “Time of the Bad Happenings”, but like, condensed into one easy to say word. “Sucky” Maybe? But really, I am starting to really not like winters. It is supposed to be a time of celebration and quiet beauty, of family and hot soups and fireplaces and a gentle love in the atmosphere. I don’t know, but I haven’t ever really had the pleasure of experiencing that. Its always something coming up or happening in winter, since I have been an adult, and I think I am just going to start preparing for it in summer now. Oh, you like your job? Well, you might not have it come winter. Financials looking pretty good? Say bye. Stable living situation? Nuh huh. This fall season began with a shitty landlord, and a nice little apartment that happened to call me its tenant. Since I had moved into the apartment in mid July, my landlord took every opportunity to ostracize, belittle or just be an asshole to me. When I first moved into the apartment, I thought I could have a cat, but I couldn’t, according to the landlord on both sides. Then, when I wanted an air conditioner, he was going to up my rent by 100 a month to compensate, which I didn’t want to do. I wanted to have my cat as the winter season was coming and I know it is shitty, so I registered my cat as an emotional support animal, to which my landlord responded by yelling at my door for 5 minutes, leaving a self help eviction notice, confronting me at my car and yelling at me, then later assaulting me. After his assault, I promptly moved out and had to stay with my mom and her boyfriend. It isn’t an ideal situation for anyone involved, but it is what it is. A week into staying with them, I overhear him complaining about me and how “this just doesn’t feel like our house anymore” and mocking me because I parked in the wrong spot. After some pushback from my mom on the subject, the situation was resolved. A few weeks later now, and I am considering joining the air force. The problem with that is that I am actively medicated with a diagnosis for ADHD. My medication helps me a decent amount as well. I was told in order to enlist I would have to be off of my medication for at least 3 consecutive months, then go through training for whatever job, then actually get into my job without medication. Also, getting medication after enlisted would probably be a struggle too. Medication takes my days from being unrewarding and akin to watching paint dry while listening to Baby by Justin Beiber on repeat for the entire day to a rewarding, motivated, emotionally sound and productive day. So being off medication for a bit is out of the question, and so is the Air Force as of right now. Now, my mom’s boyfriend stated that the reason his daughter (who is 17 and supposed to come visit every other week) isn’t coming over is because she feels uncomfortable that I am here. And there is no reason. I’m not a creep, I’m not an asshole. I have always tried to be friendly (and I thought we were friends). I get home, play games with friends at my desk and sleep on the couch, even though everyone has offered for me to sleep in her bed when she isn’t here, it doesn’t feel right to me, so I haven’t. So I was asked to look around and see if I can stay with anyone else. Honestly, at this point, I really don’t have a fucking clue what to do. It feels like every route I have taken has shit itself. I would enroll in school, but I need a place to stay while I go. I can’t stay in one spot for longer than a year, attempts to further myself have been shut down, and I just feel lost. I don’t really believe in a higher power that controls everything or that has a plan in motion for everything, but damn, if something like that did exist, it fucking hates me. Wanna settle down somewhere and go to school? fuck you. Wanna get your own apartment and find something to do? fuck you. Wanna join the military and have a career and a path? fuck you. Wanna stay at an inbetween place until you find an apartment? fuck you. What am I supposed to do? I apparently am not fit for this world, according to events that keep happening.