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wicthdragon · 6 years ago

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The War Goes On

I do not know where to begin I really do not but I must start somewhere so here goes, I am survival of rape and kidnapping but along that I am a survival of trauma I survived things that could make people’s head spin yet I know that others been threw worse then me and that they do handle things better then me this is true and I never forget that how ever, I can not keep Lessen my pain just to make people feel better because in the end while there are people that deal with things better then I people that had it worse then me that cope with things better dose not minimize my pain.

So let me tell you my story, In 1985 I was orally raped by a so called family member people for years have tried to protect him chose him over me etc act like I do not know WHAT I AM SPEAKING ABOUT ETC. I am a lot of things and not all of them very good OK so ? but I do not lie i do not make up stories and i know when shit happened thank you very much and I resent how some one can say such things to me.

How ever sadly I get why I really go I get we need to question people need to make sure the victim is telling the truth a child is not chocked etc i get that i get all that and one should question fine I agree. but do not demean the victim either while doing so.

Granted I may be over sensitive in general i am fine i get it but when nit wits and dumb bitches act like I do not know what i am saying that really burns me up more then most As people asking to be sure . just dose.

Moving on I have been seeking demanding justice for almost over 30 years and to no avail no one did any thing to help me not till the end and even then it was nothing, it makes me sick everyone just removed the perv from the home i was at and just out him in another one with kids in it my or around the same age. it’s sick how can cps think that's OK how can our justice system do such a thing ? it is maddening to me.

It has been so paining i mean well meaning people tied to make me forget tried to make me not see him for the perv he is for there own reasons not saying for all bad reasons but it still was wrong . I have long since forgive them for that but i will never forget ,

I been seeking justice for decades and now I can get it I just found out from a friend along with a lawyer that I can still press charges there is no more saute of limitations any more. So very soon if i can get more info I am going to go to the cops and press charges and finally seek justice, Now I get i may lose i may not really get it OK fine but i got to try and yes i am doing it out or revenge as well so what . it no longer matters still did it he got away with it and its wrong period.

I will not be shamed i will not be guided i will not let other people who can not handle what was done to me to sway me any more.

That is over now

So this is is along road my war is still going on but I will win either way. Maybe I am not saying or explaining my self right maybe I am not the most elegant or have the most dignified way of saying this but here it is the sick fuck needs to pay for his crime's against me. the fact that people can not grasps why i hate him why i want him dead why i been spending my life making him finding ways to make him pay why i did not have a voice why it ruined parts of my life , why some dumb ass whores think he made me gay cunt no one made me gay what he did to me affected me oh yes affected my choices yes , but being gay straight bi trans what ever who what ya born with, yes nurture Can i am sure help effect the biological components to making some one gay but no one i do not think picks being straight gay bi or what ever. Then again who said most of my family was smart ? But I Digress this is what I learned people can not handle sexual abuse i get that and maybe that's why my mom in some not all but some respects was in denial or could handle it i felt at least once she blamed me for it, am i angry about all that? no I'm hurt I'm sadden but no not angry because she is a great mother in general outside of it she as great, hell i did not always know that she was my mother but in the end I was am happy to find out so again not all bad. but as people we are not always good sometimes me included handle shit wrong. we do so i get it now as a adult but am still hurt sometimes by her ways of handling it hell yes . But in fairness we did long since worked that out, and all that is another story to tell, that’s not this story not yet .

So again my issue is not with my mom at this point how ever it’s part of it, because people seem to want to swipe this under the rug hey i get it i never wanted it to define my life either and while it dose not have to define my whole life it dose define sadly some of it and I need to accept it and use it to my advantage.

Now my father on the other hand was a horrible person and parent most of the time how ever the one thing he was great at he wanted to kill his grand son for me. so I just wish people let him.

I think it would have helped me it would not take my pain away but it would have eased it, I Feel , But well he didn’t and i still have the pain the whole that nothing can fill.

How ever me having a voice me speaking out telling my story and soon pressing these charges may help I feel now is the right time I think thanks to the me to movement maybe this prison can end and i can be let out after 3o years,

I do hope so. i did not want to jump on the ban wagon in the beginning but now I feel i do not have a choice i am maybe by default part of me to,

Because it happened to me it happened to lots of people to many people.

How ever I go back to this I do not want to make it my whole life about it to define me but I need to speak out so it can be part of my past .

Now that On to Cps They fucked me up not once but twice and I made some powerful claims over the years and as of late and I feel since I am going forward really going forward with my story I need to explain my self really do it this time as hard as it is and it is I need to so all of you reading this get why I am a kidnapped survivor You need to I need to explain in detail.

Cps removed the perv from the home where i lived with my niece and what he did to us , I will not go in to her story because while we do not get along that is still her story and i will only speak from my experiences.

In that home that sick fuck tied us up on the our beds for hours with black rope i do not remember for how long but the girl did cut me lose how she got out who the fuck knows,

t then locking me in a closet and shoving or poking me with coat hangers, i mean that one may seem not as bad but its still sick as fuck i am like what ? who dose this mess.? then the main event the oral shit luckily that detail is fading as i got older this sick fuck touched me and gods knows what else yet he as never under the jail are you kidding me. this is not right how ever sadly this seems all to common which makes it worse,

Thank the Gods as far as i knew that only happened once. granted once to often. oh and the fuck locked me out that nasty house and i punched a window to get in the house,

I mean again that may seem tame by compression but still no one did shit they let this shit go on are you kidding me. but yet as angry as i am as pissed as I am as annoyed as i am as hurried as i am about it and i am . i get why some didn't they may not know what to say or do or how to go about or what ever I get it. but its foal as fuck. people kept me quit for to long and i will speak out and speak up on this nasty as shit. Now some how in that time frame i went home with my parents and him and the rest of them fuckers stayed there and some how got removed so some one called some time and got his punk ass removed or how ever it happened but far as i know he got removed and just went to his sisters house as i said before who had kids around my age really cps really. oh and not that long ago i was told they do not work on pressing charges are you kidding me ? really OK fuck ya all.

No let me also go on to say more on cps since I said I would explain in detail So Basically cps did a piss poor job of helping us my niece and my self or any kids most likely in that time frame , But OK so good time putting a Pedophile with more kids. so that's the first time they fucked me up by not helping me not really nor even working with law enforcement to press changes on the perv I see how it is,

Now lets move to 1996 hon they reared there ugly heads back in to my life when my mom lets just say had issues and my father was useless sick his damn self they came trying to make there fucking jobs easy as fuck put me with family I say family in a very lose sense of the word never investigated any of them one all of them had issues for example marring grown as men when they were barely in there teens getting pregnant just to get away from there trash ass father , and the one they did stick me with was a year or so before getting her ass beat by her second husband yeah good job not investigating none of them and there's more yet get this she is the same one who had my rapist in her home with her at time two kids right about the same time he was diddling me yeah that seems to come full circle,

Oh there's i even hear as of late that my nephew told me his brother told him if its true that I should be place with any of them there only out for money and no good or how ever he said.

AGAIN who knows if that happen but if it did that is interesting and there is a little more when i was in the same room with David Straton and the perv that did what he did i was being re-traumatizing and no one did shit no one helped me i was crying carrying the fuck on oh yes no shame in saying it either and basically crickets no one to care about me not even that kid napper and yes I call him a kidnapper because in the end none of that got him to see hey maybe i should not out this kid with these fucks that talked to some one who did this to him, etc he clearly has issues nope all this ass hole was rude to me mean and stole me from my home . not to mention it all happened under a mouth Yeah like I was so in danger until you showed up. That was when you put me in danger. It seems still something not right I do wonder if money was involved I can not prove it but at the least just normal cps corruption.

Now you may ask as you should ask as we all should ask how did he kid nap you ? he never protected me none of them did from my family or the rapist twice in a row he never did his job he took me from my home put me in danger while i was not in physical danger i was in mental and emotional torment they talked to him threw him in my face no one helped me press charges get justice that and hat if the one that talked to the pervs husband as beating her again and i got in danger how can you not investigate people. so yes I was in danger because all of them all they wanted was to use me and you put me in harms way going all because you did not want to do your job. Now I called the fucks to finally explain all this and they still did not care they said it was not there job to investigate any one it was not any ones job to do any of that we had to put you some where and we always try to place children with families first which between you and me is bull shit, but that said i am like are you kidding me how the fuck can you not investigate people all of that was bull shit its wrong and its cruel and negotiate as fuck they said they were not i know they are, David kidnapped me point blank and he traumatized me and all these people wanted was to use me and you put me in danger and i kept explaining why but sadly after 22 years they do not get the damaged they did they do not how they kidnapped.

I stopped minimizing my self a long time and call it what it is because when i did it seems to give people the right it seems to do the same to me. the bottom line that is exactly how they kidnapped me from my home and its wrong period wrong wrong and more wrong and no one will shame me otherwise. I am a kidnapper survivor.

Now On to some other things Cps have not just fucked my life up not once but twice and they still do not get it they do not get how corrupt as fuck they are or they don’t care well they will soon.

Let me share with you what i learned I have had friends who there lives some kids some as parents fucked up by cps and for no reason and now n the news they still doing this shit taking kids not investigating any one properly kidnapping kids to be frank again i do not say things to be just dramatic if i say it I mean it they still kidnapping kids ruining lives for no reason never investigating or if they do doing a piss poor job and making excuses like they did me not that long ago and it makes me sick. I sadly know to many people who been fucked up by them and i bet if they complain like i do they may get the same fucked up treatment I get, now in fairness one or two cps workers in my life have gave me there compassion but its not its not enough the rest act like I'm wrong , guess what I am not wrong but i was wronged by you people. you kidnapped me point blank period and i am going to seek justice for that and or get my paper work and go after my rapist bring awareness to this for my self and for others . Some seem to judge me because i want revenge I do i sure as fuck do.

I have no shame on it i am sick of people judging me and acting like they know what its like for me when they do not its rude and mean, and frankly i think victim blaming as all hell.

How ever not shocked been dealing with it for years I am just finally using my vice. that said, i will also add while most of my family and i do use that term loosely kinda sorta made up neither one of us will forget what the other did , and that's fine while i stand by all i said tonight i still need to add we kinda made up but its what it is , I feel If I am going to tell it I will tell it.

Before I end this note this story of pain I can not stop the war until something changes i can not will not. I vow to keep fighting until my day is hear thank you for reading this,

Truly yours WicthDragon.

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enemymine2000 · 3 years ago

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Since I am currently messaging back and forth with a person, who seems so far genuinely just curious about stuff J1er/wincels say and the response Hellers/Jenmish have for that - so good faith - I just want to put it out there:

I appreciate genuine questions. But please, I’m only one fan. My words are not the gospel truth. They are what I have seen and experienced during my very varied time as a fan. I acknowledge that there are people with different mileages. But please don’t put clear bad faith J1er/wincel stuff at my feet. I have done my own research for years. I have watched, listened and learned. As I often say, I’m a lurker, I was there, even if people didn’t see me.

Mike, Patrick, Vinnie, Victoria, Special K and all these people are no authority. At all. They are far from redemption in my eyes because of the actual, real-life harm they are inflicting. Again and again. It’s not just things in the past. It’s still happening. (Which is why I have all of them blocked, whenever and wherever I find their accounts - real or socks. So many socks. *sigh*) It’s stalking of J2, violently hating on Misha, it’s spreading rumors about and defaming them to everyone, including politicians and everybody in the business they seem to be able to get a hold on, it’s doxxing fans for the “crime” of having a different opinion, it’s threatening to expose children to incest fics and actual CP, it’s gifting a fish hooked filled vodoo doll to Daneel during an event, so she could get hurt, or trying to actually get her banned from a con, because it harshed their vibes, it’s “Operation Kill God” with the attempt to hurt Misha during a con, it’s getting Destiel fans framed for stuff they did and thrown and banned from CE cons. So much stuff. So much hate.

Just because they don’t like Misha. Because that’s what it boils down to. Misha entered the show, his character got popular, the story of the show expanded to more found family and less co-dependent borther bond - thus including more fanon - and ultimately actual text and subtext of the show, thus canon - than just their ideas of incest/wincest/weecest. So they threw a fit. Which lead to Misha being fired, because they seemed so loud they could have been the majority. (It’s where the idea of their “silent majority” stuff comes from.) But the ratings went drastically down. Misha’s Cas was integral to the story and people stopped watching. So Misha got rehired. And ever since then the J1ers/Wincels are rage spitting. Why do I call them J1ers, when they are all about Jared and Jensen, you ask? Because they just as easily throw Jensen under the bus, when it fits their narrative. The little imaginary world they have build for themselves in their bubble. There are points in time when their hate of Jensen is only rivaled by their hate of Misha. So J1ers it is. Do I hate Jared? No, but I don’t care for him anymore. He might be redeemable, if he ever actually faces the consequences of his actions. But so far he has never even apologized for doxxing people, because he was mildly inconvenienced, for siccing his fans on people, for throwing tantrums, for ranting and spouting harmful rhetorik against LGTBQ+ issues, heck, for actually beating people up. Even when spending time in jail for it. And don’t give me his MHI as an excuse. No one chooses to have MHI, but one chooses their actions. I’m a mental health survivor and I don’t go around hurting people. But if I did, I would want someone to take me to task for it, so that I learn and do better. TLDR: I gladly help with genuine questions about the different sides in the fandom, so far as I can answer them, but I have a limit and above mentioned is why. Also videos of panels are online and a lot of stuff is found via Google.

#fandom wank #personal

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deafmanscharade · 7 years ago

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Let's Talk: Even Then Food Don't Taste that Good. Drinks ain't Doin' What it Should

As I was saying, ED became my lover.

Before I get into that though, let's get into more background because Lanta knows when I'm dead and gone and some sleuth discovers my music or the thousands of projects that are half finished or have been shot down, the masses will want to know the story of the foo fighter obsessed Hanson fan who wrote a jazz album full of country songs.

Okay, I'm exaggerating to the nth degree but you can't blame me because I want to be the female Nick Drake and I'm nothing without my flair for the dramatíc.

I will say, if you are in treatment for ED or thinking you need help, I AM NOT CONDONING EATING DISORDERS. I am working through shit by word vomiting and explaining things as I saw them. As I felt them. Something it's taken me 15 years to do. So, either skip this post or read with this in mind: if you don't get a hold of your ED it will hunt you down and kill you. There are people that want you here. You are here for a reason. Love you.

Back to it. Childhood is full of milestones. Sunny days filled with bike rides, corner store stops, skinned knees and scraped hearts. I was a late bloomer to nearly everything, except the scraped heart. That thing has been scraped so many times that most days I'm positive it's a wilted brown apple core.

I never learned to ride a 2 wheel bike. To the point that when I got too big for normal training wheels the local Chrysalis centre gave me a custom bike with 2 adult size training wheels. Which was incredibly cool and gave me my first real taste of freedom, until it got me bullied harder.

I don't remember the first time someone said something nasty to me because of my CP. I do remember the things they did.

I love to swim. I went to the local outdoor pool when I was about seven years old. I put my glasses in an unlocked locker because I trusted that people were good and I didn't have a quarter. When I came back and went about re-dressing my glasses were nowhere to be found. As I fumbled home while my eyes stung with chlorine and strain I found them shattered in the gutter. I picked up their bent frames and wondered how they got there.

When I was 8, I really wanted to play with the other kids but since a cripple couldn't be a teammate they made me the ball. Remember tetherball? I do too. Because I was tied to the tether pole and spun around it all recess until the janitor came to get me down. Kids threw tiny playground rocks at me by the handful hoping they would get in my AFO's, which SUCKS. There were so many instances and that was only at school. Home was a different,darker hell thats still a few posts away.

The first time I denied myself food I just wasn't hungry. It was one of those moments where you're so down that the last thing on your mind is food. I knew I should eat, but I didn't. And you know what? I felt better. This body that I was stuck in that took all my control from me was listening to me. Here's how the conversation went:

Body: Feed me.

Me: No.

Body: But... not even a little??

Me: I said NO.

ED: Good, see how easy that was ?

What? Who was this other voice? Hello? Who's there?

ED: It's me, darling. You know me. Come, you have that choral piece to learn, English homework to finish and you should probably figure out how you're going to fake your way through that dance number in act 2.

Me: okay. Yeah. Yeah that sounds... oh god that dance number...

ED: I know, love. I've got you. We'll put on Phantom and get through this. You only need me.

Power is intoxicating. I felt empowered by the seduction of denial. I started losing weight and gaining the praise of my appearance obsessed mother, my moreso appearance obsessed grandmother, and my peers. I started to score bigger parts despite limitations.

I was high on it. It's difficult to stop something that makes you feel better than anything else ever has. The reason that I referenced Phantom above is because I know EXACTLY how Christine feels toward him. Romantic manipulation. I have what you want. If you do this for me, you can have it. I'm the only one who knows and accepts all of you.

Food hates you. It only makes you bloated and pimply and full and who wants that? Gross. You didn't eat that second mouthful. You replaced it with water. See how beautiful you are? I'm so proud of you.

It was like riding my own personal Milky Way. As long as I was holding ED's hand I would be okay. If I worked hard and kept listening and stayed in control of my pesky body, it would all come to fruition.

You know what I wish someone had done when I was that kid dropping blazing fires and screaming that I would change the world? I wish they had taken me into their lap and stroked my hair and told me they knew and understood how much I wanted to theatre. I wanted to theatre so badly it was the verb, the adjective and the noun. But sometimes life isn't fair. It isn't always dependent on how much or hard you love something. How hard you work or how many librettos you can cram into your brain. Unfortunately, I chose to love something that is based almost entirely on image, marketability and your ability to be a product. No matter how many miles I hobbled, how little food I ate (or later, how much I threw up), how much reconstructive surgery I got, or how much I honed the talent I DID possess, I still had my CP limp, shakes, tremors and everything else. And sure, is done a lot of community theatre, even gotten paid a bit, and gotten one or two leads, but that didn't mean I was ever going to make it to Broadway and I needed to stop making that my goal.

... Maybe they did. Maybe I couldn't hear because everything was so loud. But ED was always there. Always pushing. And sometimes he was harsh but mostly he was Hollywood romantic. He held me. He praised me and loved me and said all the things I needed to hear.

He cradled me as I threw 86 theatre school rejection letters in a drawer for motivation and went back to stretching. Or singing, or studying. I was a hamster on a wheel that was dead set.

It wasn't until I got rejected from my last option for theatre school that I went into shock and had to regroup. I sat in a ba in my living room floor for two days trying to figure out who I was without theatre or instruments. Was everyone right? Was I a worthless cripple? I didn't have an identity or an answer.

That was the first time o tried to kill myself.

The next morning I was alive and knew I had to find something. There was a band whom I still love to this day that toured around often. I cashed what I had aside for college and followed them around for a couple years. I soaked my wounds in vodka and dirty guitar while my head filled with perfect five part harmony.

Some of the band members had their own demons. Which prompted one of them to take me by the shoulders in the midst of my third vodka cran of the evening. He told me he loved me and that I needed help. Somehow his voice overpowered ED's and I went and got help.

Gradually Luc (so named in treatment and short for Lucifer) got quiet and went seemingly dormant. But even then, as I saw sunshine for the first time, I knew it wasn't over. It's never over. It's a second by second struggle at times. I have relapsed more times this year than any other and I'm not afraid to say I liked it. It was comfortable. As I get older, CP gets more and more control and it felt nice to take it back for a minute. Crack the whip and shout "Mine Damnit!"

But then I remember the look of pure desperation in the eyes of someone I hold so dear and I find it in me to kick Luc in the balls again. For now.

#cerebral palsy #ED #ed recovery #emotional vomit

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ruby--wednesday · 8 years ago

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summer palace feelings

I've been unpacking my thoughts about The Summer Palace, and ok yeah fandom reaction, this last while and the easiest way for me to figure things out is to write it down. I'm gonna preface this by stressing that I'm not claiming any other reaction or perspective is wrong, or I am some kinda fandom expert. It's just my feelings and they're a jumbled mess a lot of the time. I'm not calling anyone out or looking to start ~discourse.

Under the cut are my thoughts on

bias

auguste's death

the talk

softness

laurent and the baths

one last thing (sex!)

Bias

Bias is normal. Every narrator has it. Every reader has it. Being biased does not make anyone unreliable. I think it's up to everyone else to realise the truth. Like, if a Australian person says Oz is the best country in the world we know that's their bias speaking. (or America, or Russia or whatever) If Damen defends slaver in book 1, that's what's happening. When Laurent thinks in KR that Auguste would not be afraid if he was captured with Govart, that's what's happening.

Reader bias exists too. We all have our kinks and our limits and our things that cause automatic sympathy. Like, if you're always uncomfortable with cheating in a story or, idk, use of certain language. I can't abide tropes of flirty waitresses because I used to be a waitress for years. I am a total pacifist but I am Irish so I can always empathise with stories where people are trying to reclaim land. It was easier for me to see why Akielos wanted Delpha back than it might be for other people. I hate war and violence, so I see everything that happened at Marlas as showing the horrors of war rather than which side was in the right. I'll root for the working class here above anyone with privelege. One of the things Laurent did that stuck with me, out of all his bad things, was when he didn't seem to make sure the stable boy got paid.

We have things that tick our boxes, too. It might be Laurent's sneakiness that works for you but that doesn't mean soft Laurent is less real. I have a thing for seeing relationships that begin in unhealthy circumstances turn out be good because the people involved are good. That's why these books mean a lot to me.

So what's my point? I don't think Damen's unrelaliable. He's a character with his own way of looking at the world. It was easy for us to see how his view on slavery was wrong, for example. We don't need to believe the text expects us to accept that he was right about killing Auguste or the circumstance. Imo, if Damen was unreliable he'd be like Humbert Humbert maintaining Laurent was into him when he clearly hated him in the baths. He'd be like Gen, withholding his identity as Damianos throughout the first book. Writers know what they're doing when they go with an unreliable. Pacat was making Damen realistically biased and the kind of person who does not think about the bad shit.

Something that always fascinates me as a reader, and when I write, is examing the ways characters remember things compared to what actually happened. I explored this in my fic Stargazers, as it feels relevant to CP canon. How winners write history and men become myths and stories get twisted. I have a hunch Pacat was touching on these themes when she had the Prince's Guard retell what Laurent did in the mountain without Damen's role, or how they say he ran his horse to death to beat Torveld to the mark. All the accounts of the war are different and murky and it's up to us as readers to realise that nothing people say can be taken as fact.

2. Auguste's Death

I didn't expect Damen and Laurent to talk about him again in The Summer Palace but I don't have a problem with what we read. As far as I can tell, there's not really anything new there. But Damen and Laurent are at a place, especially now that Kastor is dead and killed by Laurent, that they can be more detailed.

We know Kastor is a snake. But Laurent knows Damen loved his brother and he is hurt by him dying even if he was nothing like the good man Auguste was.

The brother for brother thing doesn't sit well with me since KR. (eg it was over; like a balance restored, the past put to rest.) but I get the symmetry of the circumstance. Is the same? No. But I think the text was trying to show it was the removing the final barrier between keeping Damen and Laurent unequal.

During Kastor and Laurent's swordfight, Damen relives what occurred between him and Auguste. With the added conversation in TSP, we know that this actually isn't new information.

KR : A flurry of strikes. Damen remembered that feint from Marlas, and that sidestep and that particular set of parries.....he conjured him up now, half embodying his style as Kastor embodied Damen's, a fight between ghosts.

It was a simple misjudgement in Laurent's part...He wouldn't have misjudged if he wasn't tired. The same had been true for Auguste, fighting for hours at the front.

'No,” said Damen, who had lived this too.

Because Laurent wasn't Auguste. And the stumble wasn't a mistake, it was a feint

TSP : “You've never asked about it”

“You said it was quick.”

“It was.”

“He didn't let anyone else intervene. He thought it was fair, between princes. Single combat.”

“Yes.”

“He was tired. He'd been fighting for hours. But the man he fought wasn't. It was Kastor on the front at Marlas. Damianos has tayed behind to protect the King. He rode from behind the lines.”

“Yes.”

“He was honourable, and when he drew first blood, he gave Damianos time to recover. He wouldn't let anyone else intervene. He thought --”

“-he thought it was right. He stepped back and let me pick up my sword. I didn;t know what to do. It ahd been two years since anyone had disarmed me. When we fought again, he drove me back. I don't know why he cut to far to the left. It was the only mistake he made. I took the chance it wasn't a feint and when he couldn't draw himself back into postion, I killed him. I killed him.”

I feel like this is the same information told more explicitly. We already knew Damen was fresh and Auguste had been fighting for hours. Kastor was fresh and Laurent had been on trial for hours before their battle. Battles are hard. War is awful. Someone will get the advantage one way or another.

Damen repeatedly mentioned Auguste's honour, so the allowing him to retake his sword and not letting anyone else in is the thing that must have gave that impression. I'm also pretty sure Damen cut down Auguste's guard, the other best fighters in Vere, to get to him (not mentioned above but mentioned elsewhere I can't lay my hands on.) The wound Auguste inflicted was serious enough to have real scarring years later. He allowed Damen to pick up his sword. It's not like he offered him a chance to yield there. That's not how wars work.

Also not mentioned in this discussion, that Akielos was receiving a Veretian herald to discuss the terms of surrender (? I might be off about the details here) when the Veretian army attacked. This is completely contradictory to the Akielons approach to war. I'm inferring by the Regent's Charcy challenge that it's outside the norm for Vere too. Damen being behind the lines make sense in that context. The king and heirs staying back makes sense in general. (I have another hunch that the Regent encouraged Auguste to get into the fray but that's just me.)

So what's my point? Laurent was saying how Auguste died as he knew it. He repeats the thing thing about intervention, which leads me to believe this is a report he heard and clung to like he later clings to Damen saying it was quick. Auguste died a hero. I believe the accounts of him being good. But Damen wasn't going to say, well actually, when he got inside my guard he didn't need to run me through. Damen wants to honour Laurent and his brothers memory. He also has a much more matter of fact approach to war than most modern readers do. But none of this felt like new information to me. It was Laurent wanting details, and being able to hear them from Damen now when he was never able to take them in before, and making peace with it, and continuing to accept that it was Damen here and Damen who did it (ala KR 12 it's me here with you.)

It was acknowledged all along that Damen's identity was, to Laurent, that he was the one who killed Auguste. Prince Killer. Being Damianos meant he was the worst person in the world to Laurent. We spent three books with Laurent learning to reconcile the man he knows now with the man who killed his brother. Damen never shied away from it and the fact of it was never denied. He already said 'I hurt you...” Neither characters are the type to apologise. They're the type to admit it and do better in future.

There's no point in looking for morals on a battlefield. The most you can hope for is following the rules of war and no cruelty. I feel like the second anyone willingly enters a battle that's not about saving lives they're in the wrong. I know plenty of people disagree.

3. The 'Talk’

There was some (understandable) expectation that Damen and Laurent would discuss his abuse by the Regent in TSP.

The first thing I tweeted when I read it was that I was really glad about one thing and what I meant was that they didn't discuss it.

That's not to say that I never want them to discuss. Or that Laurent shouldn't be able to discuss. Or that I don't understand why people, especially survivors of CSA like Laurent, wanted to see him be open about this huge, terrible thing that happened to him.

I also get people wanting Damen to acknowledge it, at least internally.

But I knew 30 pages wasn't enough

And from the first mention in KR, the summer palace was framed as a honeymoon vibe place

and I think damen does a really good job of not pushing laurent and being aware of his needs before he ever knew the reason for his discomfort. Damen also does a good job of not thinking about hard things so it didn't surprise me he didn't think about it

Laurent repeatedly showed he did not want to talk about it. He went to lengths to conceal it. When Damen asked in KR was someone there for him when Auguste died, when he asked in PG had he done this before, Laurent's response every time was that he didn't want to talk about this part of his past.

So I think people (readers and his fictional partner) should respect this need for privacy and not push for discussion

I also have seen some strange, borderline fetishistic, reactions of readers about Laurent's abuse. Like, dwelling on it to an uncomfortable degree. And as a fic writer, i've had some uncomfortable comments looking for details where I deliberately did not include details. So I guess I might have a slightly different perspective on this than some other readers.

We know it happened. Damen knows now it happened. The very mention of the Regent in Damen's thoughts is loaded with the fact that it happened (like Damianos was to Laurent before.) Laurent has lived with the awful fact of it for years. I think it's nice he had a chill few hours in the palace with his man. I hope they talk about it some time when Laurent is comfortable and Damen can control his temper. I hope Damen can acknowledge he missed the signs and can reframe the context of certain things Laurent said and did and also the wrongness of certain things he said and did. Like coming on to Laurent in the baths was wrong and saying Laurent wanted his uncle to be obsessed with him (or something along the lines) and that he fucked like a virgin etc

Also, Laurent was talking about it throughout the series more than he or we or Damen know. It was sad and often a conditioned mindset but he was. The things he said about Nicaise being able to manipulate adults. When he said his brother didn't have the taint that the rest of the family had. (He was led to believe he was complicit in what happened and the shame was its own form of abuse) The cruelty he flung at Aimeric. When he said they think he loves them. It has the outward semblance of love. At first. But it isn't love. It's...fetish. And the long pause before he agreed with Aimeric 'Like Aimeric.'

What's my point? I'm not surprised or disappointed. I would like to see it happen in the future and I think Pacat could do a good job with such a discussion. I also think so much of the trilogy is about Laurent overcoming abuse and not letting it define him and reclaiming his autonomy that I, personally, am not looking for an analysis. He won. He's alive and happy and able to have a healthy relationship and comfortable sex and that's more than enough for me.

4. The softness

Touched on above, but I have no complaints about the fluffiness. I loved Laurent with Damen inside his barriers. I am proud and happy he could do that. I have no doubt his edge will be present with the rest of the world and we might see it again in the next stories. But I liked the soft kings in love and the lack of need for plots and schemes and power games.

I mean, I would have been ok with one last set of hijinks but i'm cool with the fluff

Also, I think Pacat said once the further L got from Arles and the Regent the more free he became. The summer palace is about as far as you can get from arles without leaving the kingdoms. It's an indulgent break and they deserve it.

Laurent went from laced up in fancy clothes at all times to hapily walking around naked!

Basically, I'm they're feeling their looks can they live?

5. Laurent and the baths

straight up, I get it if you weren't comfortable with the references to slaves or someone being servile. If that's not your thing, i'm not trying to change your mind

but I think I read it differently to some people. Here's my thing : I see nothing humiliating about doing things by choice and looking after the person you love in one way or another.

Laurent was wearing the chiton before Damen arrived. Laurent initiated the baths and said 'let me attend you'. The follows from Laurent had known, when he hadn't known himself...

I'm thinking Laurent knew that Damen had healing to do from his enslavement and the way Laurent himself treated him. I actually kind of love that by this point Laurent knows him so well. I love how at the start of the books the reader could see Laurent better than Damen by the tidbits that were seeded in. By the end of KR, Damen knows him better than the reader. He was right about Laurent being barbed in public and in newly tender in private.

But I digress. Laurent initiated the whole bathing thing. Damen seemed to think it would happen in the traditional way with attendants and soaking together and Laurent taking on the role was a big thing

These two also tend to fall into playing roles of slave, master, pet etc to get to the root of their personal issues. They did it in PG a lot.

Because Damen doesn't dwell on his suffering, and much of it was inflicted by our fave Laurent, and being captive is a harder thing to immediately relate to than bereavement and abuse, it's natural that readers don't always grasp the impact it had on him. The baths in Ios triggered him. The memory of the atmosphere in Arles is tangled up in that. He's glad it feels different in this palace. Baths go hand in hand with suffering for Damen in his mind. They are the starting point for three major things.

Laurent asks for instruction to act as a slave would have. Damen says his name, giving him an out, and Laurent pursues it. He has fun with it when he pours the water on himself. He deliberately goes to his knees. Damen didn't ask or push.

In CP, Damen muses that kneeling for Laurent is worse humiliation than his other huge indignities. To me, that's why he says I knelt for you rather than you had me whipped or Govart would have raped me or anything else. I don't think he was pushing for Laurent to kneel. He was acknowledging their shared, awful past.

It's about internal scars as much as external ones. Damen getting the chance to talk about what happened. (remember how L said he was glad about these things that happened before. I do.) I think this is the first time the direct hurt L inflicted is really open between them, rather than Damen's somewhat indirect hurt.

Mentioning the Regent here in Damen's thoughts shows some awareness of the magnitude of this act for Laurent. He knows and we knows what kneeling for him meant.

It comes back to choice again. This is all Laurent's free will.

For a slave it is, for a slave it means everything – is the thing said to make Laurent come when he was having difficulty in KR

And when Damen says it's not something one prince would do for another, we know that's not true. Damen would and has do it for him. He did it under duress in CP, which was wrong, but continued to do it and want to do it once they were on equal footing.

This isn't Laurent's first time being servile. The ice. Toweling him down after sex. Pouring him water. It's a nice thing he does and there's a possibility, sure, that some of it is related to his own abuse but maybe not. Ever since he spoke about being frightened, I wonder if I was wrongly attributing some of his behaviour.

These are actions not words people. So softly acknowledging the scars, and the suffering, and then being sweet and romantic is so them.

It made them happy! It was cathartic and freeing and cleansing!

6. One Last Thing

no lie, I would have liked to see damen bottom in TSP but I guess there wasn't the time or words and the scene at the inn is the closest we're gonna see in canon

but the sex! Can you believe we went from CP, where Laurent was cruel and used sex as a weapon, to PG “I...find it difficult to let go of control,” to KR 'He felt the repression when it came, the hard restraint Laurent exerted over his own body, his stomach clenching, his muscle moving in his jaw. He knew what it signaled' and '”I'll get --” Laurent detached himself...with the same stiff awkwardness Laurent lay down next to him.

In The Summer Palace - “He turned Laurent so that he was belly to the wall and kissed his neck from behind..... “Damen, I--” “Really?”.....Caught up in the way that Laurent's skin responded to him, he had missed the quickening pulse, the subtle signs of a body's approach to the brink.” And “For once, Laurent did not immediately leap up to clean himself off, but stayed....

If that's not what we read these books for I don't know what is

#captive prince #the summer palace #my thoughts #not looking to start shit #please don't be mad #is this meta?#so many typos

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