#i hate chronic fatigue it’s so fucking annoying

[robinsnest2111]

mentally mapping out the potential sequins and sew-on gems pattern/placement for my kiss concert outfit while trying to schlepp myself through my stretches and muscle strengthening workout

[teastainedprose]

Breaking Point (Homelander x reader)

Homelander delights in teasing you until he needles you too much on the wrong day. 1.5k words | Jerk Homelander to guilty Homelander, hurt/comfort if you squint. Homelander x gn!reader, implied chronic pain reader, implied plus-sized reader, [A03]

You are so soft. Your flesh gives under his grasp when he yanks you by the arm, careless with how it makes you stumble. Homelander laughs mockingly at the small, annoyed twitch of your lip as he tugs you close. Too close.

"Hey. Where are those new poll results, sweetheart?" The words are a purr, warm breath a caress against your cheek as he looms too close to be proper. Everything done with calculated intent to pull a reaction from you.

You stare blankly up at him, expression schooled neutral. You're used to this game. You've watched other employees crack and fracture under the pressure Homelander exerts. You refuse. You're made of sterner stuff, a master of hiding how you're honestly feeling.

He knows he gets to you, but you rarely let it show on the outside. You can school your face, but there's no controlling how he makes your heart hammer in your chest. How being so close to him sets your nerves alight in a pleasant sensation. Homelander leers down at you, pleased at how your pulse skitters under his scrutiny. He releases you, stepping back as the persona of a proper gentleman settles into place. Homelander smiles as he waits for your reply, the well-practiced one that the cameras always catch.

You're quick to give Homelander an indulgent smile back. An exchange of fake expressions as the two of you play nice. You look so placid and calm before him, but Homelander knows better. He can hear your heart jumping in your chest.

"I can pull them up for you right now if you want?" You reply, the words even and calm as you look up expectantly. You're too tired to deal with any bullshit. Homelander's included. You're always too tired.

In his eyes you're so amiable, so sweet. So disgusting. Your response isn't what he wants.  It's controlled and that's no fun. He's not satisfied with your performance. Homelander sneers, whirling away with a flutter of his cape. "Never mind."

You stand there, grimacing in his wake as you rub the spot where he grabbed you. You briefly let your honest emotions flicker freely on your face while his back is turned.. No eyes on you at this moment as sheer frustration and pain settles in. You take a breath as your mask of calm is set back into place. You go on with your day.

Why are you so soft? Under his hands and how you interact with others. Why do you always hand out such easy smiles so freely? He hates that about you. You carry that weary calm like a cloak, but you'll shake it off with a vibrant smile and a laugh if the right person engages you in conversation. They distract you from your fatigue and you light right up.

Homelander has yet to earn one of those sunshine smiles. He gets the fake ones. The ones that make him feel like a child clamoring for attention that you only indulge with your patience. He hates it. It makes him feel small. A god should never feel this way around such a weak mortal as yourself.

As any god does, he lets it bruise his fragile ego. The mortal must be punished and punish you he does. Every day Homelander tries to get a rise out of you. He tries to crack that cheerful facade you've welded in place. It must be fake. No animal has such a cheerful disposition naturally. There's no reason for it because you're so often a lethargic thing. He can smell the weariness on you, the stress, and even pain. How the fuck are you still smiling?

-and why the fuck do you never smile at him? 

Homelander decides, in his usual mature fashion, that if you won't smile? He'll bait out your anger instead. He wants, needs a reaction from you beyond those fake smiles.

He continues to goad you day in and day out. He'll slide right up next to you, too close, and lean down to ask directly into your ear for a report or some statistics on what his numbers are doing. Any old excuse to engage with you. He gleefully invades your personal space and is extra handsy because Homelander knows you hate it while he's aware of the effect it has on your body. 

If he grabs your shoulder and squeezes just so, your breath hitches. If he places a palm against the small of your back, your pulse races away without fail. If Homelander berates your fashion choices or comments on how tired you look, you flash that hollow smile while your eyes speak loathing at him. He wants that fire, craves it.

The tired fatigue that you always carry briefly pulls back to hint at a simmering something. One day he'll get you boiling over. In anger, in lust. It doesn't matter which one as long as it happens with him there to witness it.

Homelander finds himself brimming with anticipation for that day until it finally happens.

Everyone has a breaking point, even you.

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. It's too much, please just-

He's caught you trying to hide away in a conference room, the scent of adrenaline in the air as your heart races. A glance with his x-ray vision reveals you staring off with shaking fists clenched against your plush sides.

Finally!

Will you lash out?  Will you bite back? The thought sends a thrill through Homelander at seeing little Miss Sunshine finally rattled. There's a storm brewing on your face as your fingers tighten. It's an expression Homelander knows he's worn many a time. The sort of look that has interns scattering and Ashley stammering.

What a delight it'll be to see what you unleash. What can you possibly do, as small and soft as you are? Will it be like watching a kitten hiss and claw? Adorably pathetic.

He strides into the conference room with a smirk, the door clicking shut behind him. "There you are! You missed today's meeting, you know." He chides softly with a waggle of one finger as Homelander strides closer. You stare up at him, eyes blazing.

"Now what are we going to do about that?" Homelander goes on, voice as smooth as honey as he smirks down at you.

Something in your expression shifts. A crack in your mask appears.

Gotcha.

"Well?" He prompts, expectant. Giddiness trickles down his spine as Homelander grins wide, fangs on display. He can't wait to see how this rage of yours plays out.

Except you don't unleash anything on him. You don't even insult Homelander, which would give him reason to taunt you further or retaliate. It would give him a reason to finally lash out at you in earnest, but all you're doing is standing there.

Your expression crumples up like wet tissue. The tears are white hot and silently streaking down your face in an instant. The sound you make is beyond pathetic as you drop back into your seat, huddling into yourself. Homelander watches stock-still as you draw your legs up, arms coiling about your knees as you bury your face away from his gaze.

It's a truly pathetic sight, sobbing like the little mud person you are.

Homelander should feel triumphant. His grin twists to a grimace. He awkwardly shifts, gloves creaking as he balls his fingers into fists at his side.

Why isn't he pleased? He's watching you shatter and it doesn't wash him in the usual delight bringing misery to others does. Your sunshine is gone and it's raining on your parade, which is exactly what Homelander wanted.

Your crying should amuse Homelander. He's not amused. Instead, there's a sinking feeling within the pit of his stomach. A dead weight settles heavy inside as all his amusement flees at the sound of your whimpering sobs. It's a foreign sensation and Homelander doesn't like it one bit.

Homelander works his jaw as guilt chews away at his insides, stuck to the spot hovering over you. You continue to cry, quieter now with your back bowed and face hidden. He can smell the salt of your tears easily. 

Silently, he reaches back to pull up the length of his cape. This Homelander offers to you. He doesn't have a handkerchief like a proper gentleman, so this will have to do.

He knows he's broken something. Carelessly snapped it in two. Homelander has done it countless times before. The snap of a spine. Fizzle pop of a control deck. The crackle and sizzle of flesh. The wet sucking sound as organs spill on the floor. It's natural for a creature such as him. Things breaking is a fact of his life. He's never felt guilty about any of those times. Guilt is a rare emotion for Homelander but now it's clawing up his throat, threatening to choke him. 

Homelander blinks and refocuses his gaze as he feels a tug on his cape. He watches in a detached way as you dab at your face with the fabric, sniffling loudly. Homelander can't make himself apologize. He doesn't know how.

Instead, he asks in a surprisingly tentative voice. "Bad day?"

That takes you by surprise as your gaze snaps to him. You stare a beat up at Homelander and then you smile. It's a quavering sort, but it's an honest smile. The sunshine rushes back into your face as Homelander sucks a breath in. Were you always such a lovely little creature?

"Yeah," You say slowly. "Something like that."

[cpunkwitch]

I love how chronic fatigue kills my social battery

It's probably also mixed with my aspd but I hate how it makes me feel annoyed when some people don't stop talking to me, I just wanna end the conversation and rest a while, some days I don't wanna talk at all

And my nonscribal episodes make it even worse

I don't wanna be annoyed when people text or want to call I want to interact more and have a social life, especially with the people I can't see in person

Some people are an exception to this and I talk to on apps that let me use emojis during nonscribal times, those specific people I'm happy to let spam me (it's why discord is my primary source of socialising)

But snapchat just, I wanna ignore it and I feel even more exhausted when people use it to talk to me. It's not like I have anything against them I'm just too tired to want to give a fuck

I'm really trying but fuck I'm exhausted why does the effort of maintaining friendships drain me so much

[pro-mammonologist]

I wanted to answer your “would you really date the obey me Boys” question in an ask if that’s okay 🥺

For mammon, who is my absolute favorite. He would piss me off so badly in the beginning with how rude and stubborn he is, I just would hold a grudge. It would take me a very long time with us warming up to eachother to even be friends. Eventually maybe we could be something more when he opens up.

Solomon is another one of my favorites but irl I think he’d weird me out. Like he’d give me creepy vibes.

I would have the BIGGEST crush on Lucifer but would be so turned off by his personality bc he’s very brash.

Barbatos and I would never connect bc we are both quiet. It would take us a ridiculously long time to get to know eachother. But I would probably still have a crush on him.

I would find Levi incredibly irritating. I hate people who are overly self deprecating and I would think he’s rude. Eventually we would bond over needy stuff but we would absolutely never date.

Irl I do not like blondes so no Satan

Asmos and I would just be besties

Beel is not my type irl but I would think he’s so sweet I’d probably have a little crush

Absolutely fucking not for Belphie. I would hate him and think he’s so rude. A big one I only like in theory.

I’d like to think Simeon and I have a chance, but I think he’s way too nice for me.

And for Dia, I am very quiet so his loudness and big personality would definitely scare me.

But I read fics about all of them expect for asmo. He’s just really not my type. But in my head I can change the senarios to fit exactly what I want to I can work out with all of them. I am in a poly relationship with all of them in my head.

Lemme give my two sense too.

So I would think Lucifer is so hot and he’d turn me on so badly but then I’d see how he’s such as asshole to his brothers and I don’t really fuck with tough love all that much. After he softens up later then I’d go back to being turned on all the time.

Mammon would annoy me with his ego but seeing his personality and like his actual morals and stuff would make me mega attracted to him. His spending is my only problem just cuz I grew up poor and stuff.

Levi is like the guys I’d usually attract and I know I’d be uncomfy because I prefer people who have it more together like as much as I relate to the recluse vibes I need people who aren’t as afraid of the world cuz I’m TERRIFIED.

Satan is probably who I’d date fr fr. He’s basically a less mean version of Lucifer that really likes cats and he’s a lot less sadistic period. He probably is the most likely to share my political beliefs as well. (Mammon would too because he gives so much anarchistic vibes, Satan needs some structure)

Asmo would be my bff and I’d be scared to fuck him because I just know his standards are high. Would be horny with him all the time though.

Beel is perfect for real but he’s like too soft and sweet. I need someone with more personality and a bigger presence.

Belphie is a definite no. I enjoy sleeping and chilling and I get wanting to rest all the time cuz I’m like chronically fatigued but his “fuck everything” attitude pisses me off. He also seems to be very passive aggressive and I hate that shit.

Diavolo is probably also ideal for me minus the literal royal status of his. I hate hate hate hierarchies and rich people but Dia is so open and kind and not to mention progressive so I lowkey would vibe with him hard. I would absolutely wanna be dicked down regularly by him.

Barb is great but since he’s so hard working I feel like I would be lacking in a relationship with him. I’m more laid back and lenient and he’s not.

Simeon is cool and is also someone I’d realistically date but something about him just screams token gay friend. That’s the dynamic I feel I’d have with him.

Solomon is someone who I used to hate but in nightbringer I’m like “ooookkkaaaayyyyy” cuz he’s slowly becoming more my type. I think I would also find him creepy at first but then after some time id def get a lil 👀

So really

Lucifer: not at first, later on

Mammon: not at first, later on, but would be ideal for me

Levi: no

Satan: yes

Asmo: no

Beel: eh but would fuck fs

Belphie: no

Dia: yes

Barb: no

Simeon: ?

Solomon: yes later on

[apollotronica]

hey whos ur favorite oc of yours rn

OH MY GOD okay so i split my ocs into categories so im gonna pick one from each

HUGE RAMBLE UNDER CUT ALSO SOME OF THE ART HAS BLOOD / IMPLIED VIOLENCE !!!

FOR MY MAGICAL GIRLS my fav is probably berry because i based her off of me and shes grown and changed with me and i know im the one writing her but she literally makes me so unwell . i wont go into Too much detail but shes a psychopath that meets people that arent scared of her and dont judge her for something she cant help :]

here she is! lovely lady :]

DANGAN OCS im stuck between 3 of them . theres buwan (ult oneirologist) kieryuu (ult actor) and teqora (ult street performer)

BUWAN WAS ONE OF MY FIRST DANGAN OCS !!! i love him dearly . his backstory is kinda annoying me so i havent done anything w him in a while but i still love him. hes autistic schizophrenic and has chronic fatigue!!!

here he is! the eepy eeper !!!

IVE TALKED ABOUT KIERYUU BEFORE hes so fucking embarrassing its so funny . he thrives off of positive attention which directors and interviewers r more than happy to give him but everyone else he ahs to talk to hates him . he could bag so many bitches because hes beautiful but the two people he wants carnally hate him w every fiber of their being .

hes so pathetic sopping wet himedere core. kill

TEQORA !!!! pronounced tek-KOH-rah (they also go by q-te!! pronounce like cutie :3) their backstory is actually so so fucked up like i could list like 10 trigger warnings . anyway they looks like theyd listen to some soft shit but No dadaroma is the band i associate w them . THEYRE SO SILLY !!! (NOT REALLY) theyre semiverbal when not performing

the silly :)

AS FOR GENERAL OCS !!! hrm . either cross or kioshi... i cant talk about cross publicly (his entire existence is a trigger warning i literallyb made him to vent out intrusive thoughts) but ill post art of him anyway

so incredibly unwell. ignore the blonde he means nothing right now

ANYWAY KIOSHI IS JUST A SILLY BUNNY RABBIT DETECTIVE !! theyre so autistic . their gf belongs to @toastmaloats !!! theyre also part cat so they have some carnivorous tendencies along w the bunny rabbit stuff :] i love them.

them :3

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO DM ME ABOUT THEIR BACKSTORIES OR ANY OTHER OCS I HAVE !!! BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT !!!!

[the-starry-seas]

for however many ocs as you wanna answer this for

alone: How does your OC deal with loneliness? Have they ever been completely alone before? How do they act when there's no one around to see them?

oh good I get to talk about clones to you, you will regret this

Nox: That's the neat part, they don't. Memes aside, they've never been completely alone (I mean, you try finding true solitude when you're one of millions of clones, yeesh). Also they're clingy and if they are alone they will change that pronto because they can't stand that shit, they cannot be alone, not physically capable. And the way they act around others, and when it's just themself, is pretty much the same! They're annoying, affectionate, and fond of making random and/or loud noises for no good reason. Just sitting by themself on the floor, quacking like a duck to see if they're good at it, putting some of their neon pink hair dye in Harlow's shampoo.

Tally: He fucking freaks. He's also never been alone (re: millions of clones) and he hates the silence and stillness. He needs background noise, he needs people around, he starts feeling real weird if he's not directly in sight of at least two or three other people, clones or not. He does a lot of nervous pacing when he's alone, because he doesn't like it and when do Nox and Harlow come back, this sucks. But there are times where he likes to chill and read a book while listening to whatever noisy nonsense is going on in the barracks.

Harlow: He stays level-headed because if he doesn't, who will? He's a lieutenant and that means he does not have the luxury of emotional distress (lol. lmao even.) or panicking over things. He doesn't mind being alone, in and of itself, but it does tend to make him a little bit nervous these days because if he's not there to tell Nox to behave, what the fuck are they up to now? Who's gonna protect his shinies if he's not there? But if he has someone to babysit them, he's doing a full spa day with cucumber slices and harp music and everything.

Blue: He likes being alone for short periods of time because it gives him some quiet and peace. He needs something to focus on though so it's like, idle games and crosswords to keep him occupied instead of meditation-style quiet. Loneliness, on the other hand, is different from being alone and he hates that shit. He gets restless and mopey and he just wants his idiot siblings back because they're his anchor even if they also often drive him nuts. I think being in stasis for thirty years counts as being completely alone? He did not care for that shit at all, he would do anything to not have to face that again.

Ember: He tries to make himself very small when he's alone so that nobody notices him. Being alone scares him because he knows that he'll be decommissioned if the GAR ever finds out that he can't hear any more. Even after getting away from them, old habits die hard, and being alone means not being with his family, so he'd really just rather not. So when he is alone, like Tally, he's nervous (but he freezes up instead of pacing). He likes being alone with his husband there are many benefits to being married to a marine biologist because they're adorable and Cam will play with his hair and infodump about their mutual favourite animal, the cownose stingray. (bonus camber picrew from a few years ago when kmerolzzzz's was still around)

Star: Being completely alone makes him shut down. He's a Force-sensitive clone and the Kaminoans were hellbent on reproducing that so he often got pulled out of training for tests and experiments. Being alone, to him, means he's going to be a lab rat again and probably hurt somehow along the way. He prefers being alone with one or two others, also preferably clones. Namely Winter who's the oldest of the squad and also their father figure, they call him buir and everything. He naps a lot when he's alone with a friend, chronic fatigue and all. But when it's just him and his squad, he's also more open with his facial expressions and looks them in the eyes more (GAR Jedi tended to be uh, less than kind when seeing a Force sensitive clone with golden eyes, he doesn't look strangers in the eyes very often).

Silver and Sky: A package deal. If they're not together, the world is ending. They've been inseparable from the moment they were ‘born’ less than a minute apart and everyone calls them the twins, so while most clones have an answer of "never been completely alone due to millions of clones", they've barely ever been out of each others' sight for more than five minutes. Shelter cat bonded, through and through. They're always grinning in cahoots about something, love that for them <3 They stay silly, whether they're on their own, or with the rest of the squad. They're well aware that they're disposable weapons, but they're also twins, and as long as twins have each other, what could go wrong? They stick together even more closely when it's just them because it's all about protecting each other.

[appledumplinn]

Ok I think the worst part of FND/PNES isn’t just the fatigue/pain it’s also PEOPLE. I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE. I HATE DEALING WITH PEOPLE. it’s so exhausting to constantly be like “oh this might be something that might help me” or “I feel like my symptoms are flaring a little bit can I do __?” Only to be met with some of the stupidest takes you’ve ever heard. Shit like “oh you’re not trying hard enough”, “you don’t look like you’re fatigued or in pain” or the disappointed sighs from *that one guy* that’s clearly annoyed or disappointed that you’re still ill. The same people who will hear the P in PNES and assume shits easy. “If it’s psychogenic then you can just do ___ and you’re basically cur-“ i will put shattered glass in your drink istg/hj. You can be someone who doesn’t have a chronic illness and still not be stupid. It doesn’t take having a CI just to understand yk? My biggest takeaway of this whole thing is that I hate ignorance and ignorant people especially ignorant people that aren’t ill.

[unfilteredrealities]

Life Update

today is such a shitty day.

first i woke up confused what day it is and the second i realised i have a body i felt that today is a bad flare day...

then i stayed in bed for a while until i was able to get out of bed

my anxiety is crippling me since a week now and its like more than the baseline anxiety i experience, its to the point im on the verge of panic attacks but im glad im catching it in time to ground before it escalates but im sure i wont be able to catch all of them before

managed to put laundry to wash bcs i was postponing that for a while and i was running low on clean clothes and underwear and socks so it was needed.

lunch was ok i guess

then i was eepy from lunch and fell asleep

woke up in the afternoon and hung up the laundry but before that i tried to comfort my mom bcs she is currently sick and she was annoyed she cant be active and go to the farmers market to buy fresh veggies and all that and i told her this whole last week she was very active bcs her body working hard to heal her from the bronchitis she has and i guess she calmed down.

then she went back to bed , i hung the laundry , ended up having a pots episode and a meltdown and started to cry and dissociate for a while rocking on the 100 year old rocking chair we have until i snapped out and finished hanging up the laundry but the last 3 clothing pieces i just threw on the drying rack bcs i had zero spoons and fucks to give

went back to bed and cried

ordered food bcs mom asked me to order pizza for dinner so i did

all good, food was nomnom

then i played some fortnite idk how i am still decent even if i didnt play in a long while still managed to get to 4th place

now i am blasting music into my ears with my skullcandy headphones that have extra bass to decompress my silly brain.

missing my partner a lot but im counting the days down till vacation soon and me being able to see him for almost 2 weeks.

super worried tho bcs my chronic illnesses are cursed as fuck lately and i do not like that...idk how im gonna be able to walk lot, not have pots episodes, 24/7 pain, fatigue and stuff...

at least i have a collapsible walking cane to help me.

i realized im still not able to accept im fucked health wise and i cant function the way i used to in the past where i had no issues with walking, doing many things, no heart issues etc.

now i have to think if i have the spoons to go in my lunch break at work to the store or no

if i can take the bus back home or not bcs if too full i have to stand and i will faint if standing too long due to pots and feeling like im doing a plank but while standing

i feel ashamed im taking an uber to work and back home nowadays instead of walking 25-30min (like 1.5km which is not much at all and in the past i had no issues walking that distance) im daily scared that the drivers will judge me for taking an uber. Cab drivers would have filled an imaginary fridge with lots of swearing if i would have gotten one for that distance...

but alas im using uber since 3 years to get to work, 2 1/2 years i either walked partially or took the bus i guess..

today i feel like giving up bcs of my own hardships

bcs of life events and me hating how fucked the world is

bcs why am i even persisting staying alive

i noticed that at work im less talkative, only if its needed like talkative in the sense when we dont have calls bcs when clients call i unfortunately have to speak to them so yeah but besides of that im less haha hihi shenaningans...a coworker noticed im less talkative but i was like just tired all good (like i didnt lie im tired but its not the normal tired)

anyway idk where i wanted to go with this.

sorry for the long word vomiting

stay safe, ur loved and valid and im rooting for ya!!!!

[yourl0cal1ncorporealb3ing]

TW VENT AT SOME PARTS

(ALSO NONE OF THIS PROOF READ SO IT MAY NOT BE LEGIABLE I just wroet this and i already forgot half the stuff i wrote)

y'know the mix of horrid chronic fatigue and insatiable numbness and the dissociation just makes me feel like I missing out on life, I yearn to go outside, to go play, to have fun, just run around but I cant. I sit in my room on tumblr or youtube wasting the day away wishing I did something more productive. I feel like a husk of person I feel like Im in a movie theater alone watching the most boring movie ive ever seen, I feel lonely while also being too socially drained to watch and respond the the video my friend sent me. Not to mention when my parents used to fight, my moms road rage/anger issues, it caused me to fucking terrifed of conflict so sometimes I minimize my needs when around other people and constantly asking about things and if im doing it right but also worrying if im annoying them with all my questions because my grandma has gotton mad at me for that before i think either that or it was me asking why she loved my cousin more than me because she yelled and fought with my dad because i wouldnt give my cousin my fukcing chicken nuggets my dad bought for me like fuck you i mean im sorry grandma

The anxiety and hyperactivity of my ADHD spikes up at night so either i got to sleep and wake up in 13 hours or I can stay up till 4am, go to sleep and wake 13 hours (Just feeling a lot worse). Im literally shaking as I write this and i can tell if im just so fucking restless even if im fucking tired (its 3:38am) or anxiety or the entire kiwi strawberry monster I just drank Its ok im drinking water a lot of it i just need to get my thoughts out of my head because its like a thousond of the dvd bouncing tv screen in my head rn idk if its getting better idk if im gonna post this too maybe idk any ways im shaking oh btw i might have non-diabetic hypoglycemia and i have to get a bunch shots next week and I really hate the doctors it always makes me really scared and uncomfy n shit and idk why damn im shaking a lot. I almost freaked out bc i cant find my charger and my tablet almost died but i have another one ive been using so i just used that but i want to know where my charger went :(

istg ive been eating fucking pasta for the lat 3 weeks and i hate it i hate it i hate it HATE it every. fucking. meal. I cant. I have comfort foods I like and its mostly carby food like pasta so i eat pasta alot but since our oven stopped workin its all i know i can make that easy and i laike it but i secretly dread it so i have been eating a lot of candy to keep my brain happy but im not i should be happy ive been hanging with my frinds and its summr break but im just numb, i always am, yk the year I just finished? yeah for the majority of the i was fighting autopilot mode and disassociation but i was constantly in it i dont think i cant handle going to high school this year i think i might act pass out from exhaustion I barely survived middle school Im not okay i need something meds? idk I should not be this messed up i mean my family is great (yk...apart from the fighting which isnt that common anymore and moms anger issues) but theu love me so whats the problem? school school why is it so unoccomidating to neurodivergents same with ppl with social anxiety like i have had MULTIPLE bad panic attcks in class cause i had to do smthin in front of the class I fukcing hate the school system fuckfukcufkyoiuu school fuck the emercian school system FUCKYOUUUUUUUUU

Im too conflict avoident I cant

the afternoon feels so tiring in a stuffy way if that maks and sense i need to treat my FUCKING adhd already i can have music playing at all times thats not a good long term strategy to shut up my brain i mean ffuck i have music on rn and you can see my insane ramblings

anyyways I kinda think im a daave fiction kin (like DSAF) but im 90% sure im just and otherlinker and I just want to feel speacial or some shit but whos know i have the worst imposter syndrome known to man (I have almost every symptom of Cfs and my friend has asked if i have it but nahhh i defs dont) but also i had a weird experience once. I was like listen (its getting hard to type with the shakiness :0) ing to 2 dave and henry playlists and i kept listening to the henry one and I was in the car and i was falling and out of sleep when i saw like flash of dave but it didnt look like cannon dave he looked different he was mush more blue and he was leaning against a wall with messy longish hair and he had a hat and scars all over him and he had a purple buttoned shit that was fulled buttoned up and the perspective i saw was like a photo someone had taken and he seemed just chilling perhaps talking to jack? idfk but yeah theres my weird experience like the best way i can explain this feeling towards dave is "Idkk if i was you but probably mightve at some point like most likely at some point"

i hope i sound legiable (if i do post this AND someone actually reads this all) it is 4:08am and I feel too many things once i probably will sleep at 5 or 6 anyways byebye

[brick-van-dyke]

// vent, personal

TW: psychological and emotional abuse, verbal abuse, mention of threats, family issues, ableism

So for the last few days I think my mum's been in a really bad mood and she's gone back to this really screwed up bad habit of using me as an emotional punching bag and making fun of me / making snide remarks about me when she's feeling off.

I have several mental illnesses and (suspected) chronic fatigue, she knows this, but still she keeps making fun of how I'm unable to do things all at once, miss deadlines, can't always do physical tasks as easily as others, etc. I'm basically just this walking butt of a joke and she's always found it hilarious (I sure don't find it that though) to point out how """useless""" I am and how I can't do shit everyone else (as in: "she") finds "easy".

Twice in a two she's done this in the past three days and I'm so fucking tired of how she just suddenly flips around and decides to be spiteful and nasty towards me for literally no reason and for things she KNOWS aren't purposeful/ my fault.

"Knowing you, you'll only be able to do it once I'm at work because it takes you so long" thanks. Way to remind me that I can't do a bunch of shit at once like you can because I need breaks in between things or I fucking faint or snap emotionally! "You really should have a shower, otherwise you shouldn't go [to my friend's place]" after I showered barely a few days ago KNOWING I struggle with showers and that I was tired and in bed all fucking day thanks a lot! This is one way to make me feel even more tired and make it HARDER TO DO THESE THINGS. What does she expect?? Making me tired and feeling worse and like shit will "motivate" me to somehow "cure" my fucking disabilities as if I can snap my fingers and with a few insults suddenly I can do shit?? That's not how this works.

I've told her before that this makes me uncomfortable too, but she just replies with "you shouldn't be so fragile" and tells me to suck it up basically. It's annoying for one, sure, but it also hurts a really sore spot with how she used to be a lot worse when I was younger and I developed a huge fear of being abandoned/ thrown away after she and my dad split and how she used to threaten shit when I was younger. Little me viewed the split as him being "thrown away" because I didn't understand why and had overheard arguments previously where my dad had been called useless by her. Basically, this is just rubbing it in even more and hurting way more than she realises it does. Actually I don't even know if she doesn't realise, maybe she does but I want to at least be optimistic here.

I hate feeling useless and I already feel frustrated due to not being able to do the things I want to do due to said disabilities listed, she's just continually rubbing it in for her own satisfaction and to have a laugh. It makes me feel like she thinks my only use to her is cheap entertainment and besides that I'm fucking useless and she finds it fulfilling to laugh at that as if I fucking choose to have these issues which limit me to this degree. I'm frustrated and angry, and tbh just overall very tired of this bullshit. I wouldn't make fun of her like this, but it's suddenly justified because she thinks she's entitled to me and I can't have a say in how I'm told fucked up shit that makes me want to fucking die or disappear from her life/ stay tf away from her?? Then she gets mad when I distance myself from her because of this. History fucking repeats itself and she never learns.

Anyway. I'm tired as fuck and I'm angry, so I'm not gonna even be able to sleep to avoid thinking about this, sooo tonight is gonna suck. Can't wait for tomorrow to just have some time alone where I can just rest without anxiety or anything. I just really wanna be by myself and be able to let out that anger and frustration with art and music and not having to please anyone or look any particular way or just... put any emotional labour into anything. I'm just tired and need a rest from my mum's bs rn.

[dovedrangeas]

hmmm i just saw some Bad Fandom Content

[ohfuckihavetofindanameagain]

The amount of mental energy it takes to be a full time student is obnoxious and these meds are doing nothing in comparison. I’m so close to emailing my dr instead of waiting till my appt because it’s so far away 🥲

[barry-j-blupjeans]

hello i love ur writing and fics and ur very talented and i RESPECT THE FUCK out of ur work ethic… request… can i get some good good angus hurt/comfort idc who i just wanna see that boy b loved and also angsting

Hi!!

1) Thank you so much slkdfsdf!! I try my best to be consistent at the vv least slfdsfd

2) This got kinda long!! I'm gonna put most of it below a read more, but you can also find it on ao3! either way, I rr appreciate comments n reblogs n stuff :O!!

3) Unspecified hurt/comfort turned out to just be a fic about Angus w chronic pain bc I needed someone to vent onto sldkf. all of Angus's experiences are based on my own and what helps/hinders me.

I hope u enjoy it!! n thank you, again!!

--

Angus had the distinct feeling that something was wrong with him. No, scratch that. He knew something was wrong with him. Not in the condescending way adults always did, like "Angus you're too small to be in this line of work!" or "Angus, isn't it past your bedtime?" or "Angus, Angus, Angus, you're too little, you're not smart enough, you're not mature enough."

No, Angus knew that was a bunch of bullshit. Frankly, he was more mature than half the people used to he worked with, which wasn't all too surprising considering it was the militia. But no, it wasn't that. And it wasn't that he was "different" from other people his age. He was a prodigy, no doubt, but that wasn't the thing that was wrong.

Angus was... fucked up. He knew how people were supposed to work, physically and emotionally. So he knew people weren't supposed to be in pain most if not all of the day, every day, on end. He knew the consistent stabbing in his legs wasn't normal and the fatigue and the aching definitely weren't right. He'd say it wasn't a problem, except for the fact that logically, it was. No one should be existing in pain every day.

But if there was one thing Angus prided himself on, it was figuring out how to fix problems on his own.

Over the years, he'd been very carefully and quietly researching how to help his pain. He couldn't let anyone know, because then they wouldn't let him work and he loved working. They'd put him on bed rest or send him to a doctor and while doctors could be useful in normal situations, none of them ever knew what to do with Angus. It always came back to,

"But you're too young."

(read on ao3 or click below!)

Which is one of the biggest reasons Angus hadn't said a word about it after moving onto the moon. In his militia job, they had required physicals. Angus had been referred to a pediatrician, which had endlessly annoyed him even if he understood why. His grandpa had always taught him to be honest with doctors, so when the pediatrician asked him if he was having any physical problems, he had explained. And they told his boss, who told the matron at the base, who told a few others.

It had been a mess, for a while. So Angus was keeping his lips shut tight about it all.

It was just harder on the moon. He had been incredibly uncomfortable the first few days but Mr. Avi had assured him that that was normal for newcomers. Sure, Mr. Avi had said "one or two days" and Angus's extra bad pain had lasted a week, but he dealt with it. He had pain potions for when it got really bad, but he didn't like using them if it was only sort of bad.

But on the moon, everyone was closer-knit. The base had a much more open floorplan than the militia had, but people were more likely to look at you as you went past them. He had to be careful about not limping or wincing with each step. He had to make sure he wasn't sitting down more often than a regular person his age would because that would raise suspicions. Some days were worse, but after a while, Angus settled back into his routine of "okay until a flare-up" and went about his business.

Today was a bad day. Today was an awful day, even. Today, Angus was carrying a pain potion with him, which was saying something because he hated taking those. They made him feel like he couldn't do anything by himself, like he wasn't strong enough. If he gave in and took the pain potion, that was sort of like admitting he was in pain and he couldn't do that because then everyone would just treat him like a little kid. People here were good about respecting him despite his age and every pain potion he took was like a step away from that happy feeling of being included.

It's a "just in case" at the bottom of his bag that Angus had been firmly ignoring. He had woken up late and it had set him on edge. Most of the morning had been spent trying to read in the library, but he just couldn't focus long enough. Now it's lunch, past lunch, even, because Angus is one of the few left in the cafeteria. He stared at his lunch- a corn beef sandwich and broccoli cheddar soup. His lunch stared back.

Angus didn't want to eat this. He felt bad. His wrists felt like wooden rulers, unbending and strict. He felt like his stomach was churning and his bones were the gravity that was keeping them in orbit with the planet below. He felt like a rock at the bottom of the sea. He felt like-

"Good afternoon, Angus," a pleasant voice his right said. Angus clocked his brain back in. Madam Director was standing at the edge of the table. "Do you mind if I sit? I had a few things I wanted to discuss with you about a possible relic find."

Angus sat up straight. The best he could, at least. He said a quick, "of course, Director!" and pushed his lunch aside, pulling up his bag and retrieving a notebook from inside. The pain potion sloshed threateningly at him. Angus ignored it. He opened the notebook.

"It's the Temporal Chalice," she said. "There's a bubble, located in the Woven Gulch that we think might be- Angus, are you okay?"

"What?" Angus asked. And then he realized he hadn't been writing anything down. His hands hurt when he flexed them. Holding his pencil was uncomfortable. He ignored it. "Sorry, Madam, I zoned out for a second. Could you repeat that?"

"The Temporal Chalice," Madam Director repeated. "I think it's currently located in the Woven Gulch. Another seeker spotted a magical bubble and- Angus, are you sure you're alright?"

"I'm fine," Angus said, ignoring the throbbing in his hand. His wrists were now aching. His fingers were aching. He was aching everywhere. He quickly added a "Ma'am" because he realized he had forgotten.

"I don't think so," Madam Director said gently. "I can come back-"

"No!" Angus said. "I'm- I really am fine, Madam Director! My wrists just hurt a bit, I think I was gripping my pencil too hard earlier."

She was silent, staring at him with an appraising expression. Angus swallowed. After a moment, she sighed, shaking her head. Very slowly and carefully, she reached out and dragged the notebook towards herself. Angus didn't know what was happening anymore, so he didn't stop her.

"Angus," she said, closing the notebook and setting it aside with his lunch. "Talk to me."

"I am talking to you," Angus said, flushing. "And I'm telling you I'm fine, Madam Director!"

"I'm not gonna push you on it," she said, holding her hands up to show her innocence. "But I'd like to know if I can help you."

"You can't," Angus bit out. "Help me, I mean. I'm fine. Also, it's very weird that you, my boss, are asking me to spill my personal secrets. Uhm, Ma’am."

"I'm not your boss," Madam Director said. "Well, I am. But I'm not asking as your boss. I'm asking as a- a friend, Angus. And I understand if that's weird but I truly do care about everyone on this base and I'd like to help, if I can. Even if it's just talking. That'll be my final offer. If you don't want to, then we can get back to business."

Angus was silent. He glanced around the now empty cafeteria. No one would hear them if he wanted to talk. Angus rubbed at his wrists, thinking. Who was to say that the Director wouldn't rat him out to everyone else on the base? If she thought the pain was "too overwhelming" for him and made him rest instead of work? He glanced back at her. He must have been silent for too long, because Madam Director slid his journal back over to him and said,

“The Temporal Chalice.”

Angus made sure to write it down this time, gritting his teeth and making himself focus.

--

In the end, it wasn’t too hard to figure out that the Chalice was inside the magical bubble. What was hard was figuring out what else was inside. They had no way of knowing what they were sending the Reclaimers into and Angus tried not to be worried about it, but it was hard. And it got infinitely harder the moment the cannon blasted them through and Angus’s stone of farspeech buzzed and crackled, the connection dropping.

“I’m sure they’re fine,” Madam Director said after a tense moment of silence.

Today was a good pain day. Meaning he was still in pain, but he could do normal things like stand and walk for extended periods of time. He had paced rather obsessively waiting for the Reclaimers to get planetside and his legs only hurt moderately from it. Now, he was seated across from the Director while she pretended to write and Angus pretended to read.

They were both rather good at pretending, Angus had found.

The Director hissed, making Angus look up from the book he hadn’t been processing. She shook out her hand, holding her wrist. After a second, she leaned back in her chair with a sigh. Several things popped.

“Are you alright, Madam Director?” Angus asked and she grimaced as she had only just remembered he was there. She sat up a bit straighter again.

“Hand pain,” she explained, stretching her hand back with a wince.

“Oh,” Angus said. “Anything I can do to help?”

“Thank you, but no,” she said with a small smile. “I’m quite alright.”

“Okay, ma’am,” Angus said. He stared back at his book. She picked up her pencil. And then she set down her pencil and she seemed to pause. Angus was looking at her over the top of his book and she was frowning at her desk, not particularly focused on anything. After a tense moment where Angus had to look back at his book to avoid staring, she said,

“Actually Angus, I would like to talk about it, if you wouldn’t mind. My hand pain, I mean.”

“Oh,” Angus said again. “Oh, of course, ma’am!” He set aside his book and sat up straighter, folding his hands in his lap. “Talk away!”

“Well,” she started, flexing her fingers and wincing. “Would you happen to know what arthritis is, would you?”

“I do, ma’am,” Angus said. “Is that’s what’s up with your- your hand?”

“I’m afraid so,” she said with a melancholy sort of smile. “It was originally juvenile arthritis, but as you can see I’m no longer juvenile.” Here, she chuckled slightly and Angus did too, though he didn’t really find it all that funny. “And I’ve found a few things that have helped over the years, but I was wondering, Angus, what you would recommend? For- for pain relief.”

“Uhm,” Angus said, about to be the biggest hypocrite in the world. “Pain potion?”

“Hmm,” the Director said like she hadn’t thought about that before. “That’s a good one, yeah. Anything else?”

“I’m not stupid, ma’am,” Angus said, trying to phrase it gently but it just came off as sort of annoyed. “I know you’re playing it up. I’m sorry about your hand, though, I really am. But arthritis is- it’s chronic so I don’t know much more that I can say besides pain potions and rest.”

“I wasn’t trying to imply that you’re stupid,” she said patiently. “And I’m well aware my conditions chronic. But there’s more to it than just pain medication and rest. In fact,” she leaned forward like it was a big secret. “I’ve got some other tips and tricks up my sleeve about it. If someone wanted to know.”

Angus let out a shuddering breath. So she knew about him. He could rectify this. She wasn’t reacting like his boss at the militia had. And if she dealt with chronic pain herself, she could be more receptive to his troubles without treating him like a child or downplaying it.

“How do you always know everything?” he asked instead of rising to her bait. “That’s the secret I want to know, ma’am. You’ve got prying eyes anywhere? Listening ears?”

“I run a secret organization on the moon,” the Director said dryly. “I’ve grown accustomed to knowing both everything and absolutely nothing at the same time. If you don’t want me to know, then I won’t know. I’ll never bring it up again. I’m simply offering us a way to, uh-” she glanced at the wall. It had been twenty minutes since the reclaimers went offline. “Pass the time. And perhaps a way to help manage your pain a little better. No one else has noticed, Angus, but you do tend to limp a bit.”

Fuck, Angus thought.

“Fuck,” Angus said out loud.

“Here,” the Director said, standing up. She took her notebook with her and rounded the desk, sitting on the chair next to Angus instead of the one behind the desk and across from him. “Now I’m not your boss.”

“I’m not sure that’s how that works, ma’am,” Angus said, but he was smiling a bit.

“It’s exactly how it works,” Lucretia assured, flipping open her notebook to a blank page. She grabbed her pen from the desk and wrote, with a slight wince, “One, pain potions or meds. We know those work.” She glanced up at him. “But we don’t always want to take them.”

“You do that too?” Angus asked. “I thought I was being- I thought I was being childish about it. I-”

“It’s not childish,” Lucretia said. “For me, I want to be able to handle stuff by myself. I think along the lines of “oh, Lucretia, you built a moonbase, you can handle your pain” or “oh, Lucretia, you’re a published author, a little more pain can’t get you down.””

“You’re published?” Angus asked, but Lucretia brushed over it.

“But those thoughts aren’t true,” she said. “Yes, we’ve done some pretty badass shit. Like moonbases or capturing train murders-” Angus grinned. “But we’re just people when it comes down to it, Angus. And people can’t function if we’re in pain all the time. So, for reasons to take pain medication-” she made bullet points below the first line. “To function properly. To live comfortably. Anything else?”

“To work better?” Angus suggested and she nodded, writing that down.

“It’s very hard to work when you’re in pain, as I’m sure you’ve noticed,” Lucretia said. “Number two. Ice. Having something cold on it. I find that when my wrists tend to swell up, putting ice on them can help. It reduces the swelling and cools me off because the inflamed area is often very hot. Do you deal with swelling?”

“I… don’t know, ma’am,” Angus said. “I think sometimes, maybe? But not always.”

“Still,” Lucretia said. “Ice can do amazing things just for helping you relax and sometimes that’s just what you need, Angus. You gotta let yourself just chill sometimes. Pun definitely intended. There’s no point in pushing it or the pain will get worse. We’ve got a spa on base, I highly recommend it. Though you don’t want to go with Merle.”

“I’ll take your word for it,” Angus said, trying to stop himself from giggling at the idea of Lucretia and Merle in a mudbath with face masks together.

“Three,” she said. “We’re gonna go in the exact opposite direction. Heat. Not just heating pads, but hot showers or baths can do wonders. I love me a hot bath. You?”

“I don’t usually have time to take a bath,” Angus said. “But hot showers work really well, I’ve noticed!”

“Maybe make time for a bath,” Lucretia suggested. “I’ve got some bath bombs you can borrow, they’re heavenly. Just don’t tell anyone I’m the one who gave you them.

“Number four,” she moved on. “Just like. Lay down.”

“Lay down?” Angus repeated.

“Lay down,” Lucretia said. “Just sit on your bed and lay down.”

“Sleep?” Angus said. “I think that’s sleep.”

“This isn’t sleeping,” Lucretia said, scribbling that down like it was a very important note. “You don’t even have to close your eyes. But laying down is great because your body has been working all day to keep you upright and sometimes you just need to not deal with gravity for a while. It doesn’t usually reduce anything, like the others might, but you just get the chance to exist for a while instead of trying to do things. To go back to tip two, you gotta let yourself chill for a bit. Feel the moment.”

“What if- what if the moment is painful?” Angus asked, worrying his lip between his teeth. “And you don’t wanna feel it?”

“Feel as in acknowledging and accept it,” Lucretia corrected. “Not as in revel in it. Something that also helps with this is weight. Like a weighted blanket or just several blankets piled on top of you. You’ve got a weighted blanket, right?”

“I got one for Candlenights!” Angus said. “So- so I can do that, I think.”

“Good,” Lucretia said. She glanced down at the list and then at the clock on the wall. It had been thirty-five minutes since the reclaimers went offline. Angus saw Lucretia take a deep breath and then look back down that the journal. She stood up, one or two pops sounding, and circled back around to her desk. She was smiling as she set her journal down and even through her tense posture, Angus could tell she meant well.

“Is it bad?” he asked suddenly, unable to help himself. “That I’m- that we’re… like this? I just want people to take me seriously and I- I have to work so much harder for that just because I’m like this. Isn’t that- abnormal? Uh, ma’am.”

“I don’t think it’s bad,” she said carefully. “We’re normal people, Angus. Well,” she glanced around at the room, her grin getting a bit wider. “As normal as we can be here, at least. But there’s nothing bad about us or who we are. Please try to remember that. Here-” she scribbled something down on the paper and ripped it out of her journal, passing it over the desk for Angus to have. “Keep that. I’ve got my list on the wall next to my bed. Maybe you could put yours somewhere similar?”

The list outlined what they had talked about in quick notes. At the bottom, she had written, “you’re worth the effort you make!” with a little thumbs up next to it. Angus grinned, holding the note to his chest.

“Thank you,” he said, a bit teary. She finally sat down in her chair again. It creaked slightly under her. “Really, Madam Director, this means a lot!”

“Just doing my job,” the Director said, winking.

[queerautism]

hello! love ur blog btw and im here for the ask game thing.

im autistic and have ptsd so i already consider myself disabled in that regard but i only recently started to accept that i was also physically. i feel a Dull pain pretty much all the time, mostly in my finger joints, wrists, back, shoulders, neck, hips, and sometimes my ankles. my feet and hands are sensitive to cold and they also fall asleep super easy which is annoying. when i walk for long periods of time by body starts to hurt more.. just to name a few symptoms

i recently got a cane to help when i need to walk a lot, and weed also helps calm the pain too. but ive never gone to a doctor about my chronic pain bc im used to being invalidated bc im fat. pain in my side when i walk? need to exercise more. cant get past round 10 of the pacer test? youre just fat and thats why. literally anything weakness or pain or fatigue?? you need to lose weight. all my life my parents would hound me about my weight as if they werent the ones feeding me all the fast food i was eating.

now that im older and i dont live with them anymore, i feel more comfortable accepting myself being "physically impaired", i still dont use 'disabled' bc im actually very mobile and energetic in short bursts, which is probably a silly cop-out, but yeah. my parents also have no idea i have a cane and im gonna show up to their house with it this summer bc idrc what they think anymore lolz (they treat me with more kindness and respect nowadays so i feel safe doing this dw)

anyway thank u for being a kewl blogger rouke much luv <3

Hey thanks! <3 Honestly it does sound like you're physically disabled, and i know theres a disorder where the cold hands and feet and falling asleep stuff is very common, but cant remember the name right now. Im sorry doctors are so fatphobic i fucking hate it. Well done on getting a cane though!!!! Thats amazing 💜

[galaxiesandstarlightinherveins]

Something Good Can Work

Dhawan!Master x Reader

Summary: Reader has a flare up and the Master is there to comfort you. Hurt/Comfort 

CW: Depression. Chronic Illness. 

A/N: I’ve never written Y/N before. Never been into it to be honest. But I’m obsessed with Dhawan!Master and I’ve been having a flare up so here we are. 

It was nine at night, a mindless television show filled the silence of your lonely apartment, and you were overwhelmed. It snuck up on you, a slow creeping suffocation that stole your breath and led your mind to dark places. The panic of it all made you restless. Your foot tapping out a familiar beat of four as you stared off into space. You couldn’t focus. There was a haze that overtook you and muddled your thoughts. It was a struggle to maintain any sense of coherence.  

The Master left you on Earth weeks ago saying that he couldn’t afford to waste time looking after his pet when he had a delicate scheme to execute. It wasn’t his leaving you that made you like this so much as it was the absence of the distraction he could provide. The mania, chaos, the do or die that so very often came with his travels, and the destruction he enjoyed bringing to the universe provided a constant distraction from the tangled mess in your head and the tremors in your body. 

Now that he was gone, it all came rushing back. You’ve always been isolated from the people around you. Your mental state and bad rough making it difficult for you to keep up with friendships. You have long since stopped talking to your family, no longer able to handle the toxicity that came with your mother. What little social skills you had were especially shot after traveling with the Master for so long. 

You were bored and lonely and in so much pain. The Master knew of your chronic illness but you rarely ever discussed it with him. You were constantly pushing yourself past your limits to keep up with him. After all, you didn’t want to give him any reason to leave you for good. So you pushed and you pushed. Fatigue left your body heavy with pain and still you pushed. You made sure that he would never know of just how much of a struggle it was for you to travel with him. It often led to flare ups like this when he leaves you and you can finally stop for a minute and let your body rest. 

“Shh…” You didn’t realize you were crying until you felt the Master wiping away your tears. You didn’t even hear him arrive. You’ve never seen him so concerned before. He was on his knees before you, looking up at you with his sad puppy eyes. His eyes, usually so manic and angry, were soft at the sight of you. It was disconcerting to say the least. 

“Master?” Your voice was timid, scared of what he may say. You’ve spent so much time and effort avoiding having him see you in such a state. You didn't want him to know. He already thought you weak, there was no telling what he’d think of you now. 

“Y/N, what's wrong?” The Master held your face in between his palms. Those hands have destroyed planets, brought entire dynasties to their knees, seduced kings and queens, and now they’re comforting you. “Hey, I’m here now, love. What happened?”

You couldn’t bring yourself to talk. You simply didn’t have the focus or energy to. Instead, you felt yourself break even more as you wrapped your arms around his neck, sending the both of you tumbling to the ground. He held you as you sobbed and you couldn’t hold back your emotions any longer. 

“Oi, who do I have to kill?” He said softly in an attempt to make you smile. You knew it was only half jokingly as you were aware that he’d slaughter anyone who made you upset. He has actually. You briefly remembered a commander on some planet who had said some rather cruel insults concerning you and the ensuing takeover led by an irate Time Lord. 

“No one.” You muttered, thinking you only had yourself to blame for this situation. You and your stupid body. A part of you was just happy to have him like this. He was always so sharp and callous even in his treatment of you. Your mind screamed at you, telling you that this was only a dream and that he’d never actually be here comforting you. You heard him inhale sharply and gripped you tighter. The both of you were laid out on the flour with you on his chest and you couldn’t help but hold him tighter. There was no telling the next time you could touch him like this. 

“You’re projecting, dear.” He muttered quietly, causing you to freeze. This was it. He finally realized how much of a wreck you were and he was going to leave you. The Master rubbed your shoulders in an attempt to ground you. He started to sit up, bringing you with him. His back was now against the couch and he held you against his chest. His heartbeat calmed you as it gave you something other than sheer panic to focus on. “No, no no. I wouldn’t leave you, love.” 

“But you do, all the time. I never know if you’re going to come back for me.” You admitted softly. 

“I’ll always come back, pet.” He sighed. “This is how you recuperate, right? I know that you have problems with your health and I assumed you prefer being here to heal. Our travels aren't always the easiest on you.”

“You knew? About how I…?” You trailed off. 

“How you struggle? Yes, love. You’re not exactly good at hiding your thoughts.” 

“And you still came back? I thought you hated me like this.”

“What part of I’ll always come back don’t you get.” He was annoyed and suddenly you were scared again. He ran a callous hand through his hair. “Oi. Don’t be like that. You don’t have to be scared. Just talk to me.”

“Huh?” He wanted you to talk to him? You thought he hated it when you rambled. 

“Do you really think so little of me? I know I haven’t exactly been the kindest to you, but surely you aren’t that frightened of me?” 

You didn’t have anything to respond to that. He was often so volatile that you never knew what to say without risking him exploding. You tried to be patient, knowing that he often needed to vent and have someone to go off on. But it left you unsure where you stood with him. Were you companions, friends, partners or were you nothing more than a pet to him. 

“Fuck. You are, aren't you? Is this why you never talk to me?” 

“Not frightened, no. Just nervous.” You gathered up all your nerves, knowing you were going to need them to have this conversation. Neither of you were particularly good with emotions. “There are days that you seem happy to have me around and there are days which I can't seem to do anything right. You always yell, regardless.” 

“Y/N, I, fuck.” He sighed deeply. You’ve never seen him so hesitant before. “I’m sorry. You’re always so resilient to whatever gets thrown your way. I never gave any thought to my words.” 

You chuckled sadly. “I have to be most days. It's hard living like this, traveling with you. But I love it, especially on the good days. I could do without the constant pain and fatigue, though.” 

“About that;” The Master turned you around to where he was eye to eye with you. “Why didn’t you tell me it was this bad? Don’t try to lie, please, I can feel it radiating from you.”

“I didn’t want to be abandoned. But you knew that already.” You buried your face in his neck, unable to look him in the eye. 

“It can’t be just that, love.” It was nice having him run his fingers through your hair. You never realized how touch starved you were before this. “There’s more to it then that. You can tell me.”

“Hmm.” By the stars, it was so nice having him here like this. Never would you have imagined him holding you and comforting you. “I didn’t want you to think any less of me. I know you hate humans already.” I couldn’t bear you hating me, you thought knowing that he’ll hear you.

“I couldn’t possibly hate you, dear.” He knew what those pet names did to you. “What I hate is thinking of you suffering in silence; too scared to talk to me.”

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for. I should have been more aware of your needs.” 

You tensed at that. “I’m not a pet.” 

“No, you’re not. You’re still mine; however, and I need to start taking better care of you.” He grabbed your face again, caressing your jaw. “Which means, I need you to communicate with me. Stop trying to take on everything by yourself, especially me. You can tell me to shut up, you know.” 

You started to laugh. You couldn't imagine telling the Master of all people to shut up. That would be suicide for anyone else.  You poked him in the chest. “I actually like to hear you talk most of the time. Just don’t yell, ok?” 

“I can do that.” He grinned. You probably just gave him a huge ego boost which is the last thing he needed. “In return, I need you to be open with me about your health. Let me help you.”

You nodded and bit your lip. The next request you were going to make could change everything, if he’ll allow it. “Can I stay on the TARDIS, permanently? I don’t want to be on Earth any more. At least, not without you.”

“Of course you can, dear. In fact, I would be ecstatic to have you on board full-time.”

“Then why do you leave me here? I thought you didn’t want me in the way.” 

“I thought this was how you recuperated. Whenever I come back for you after a couple of weeks, you always seem renewed.” He was playing with your hair again. It was nice. 

“You’re not wrong, but not for the reasons you think. It catches up to me when I’m here. Everything stops and I crash. Then I sleep and rest as much as I can.” You wanted to cry again. The intimacy and honesty of the situation baffled you. You weren’t used to this. The Master was being soft to you, caring for you, and it was everything you ever wanted since you started traveling with him. “Sometimes I end up in the hospital.” 

He tensed at that. “You should have told me.” 

“Yea. I should have. I’m sorry.” 

“No apologizing. We’ve been over this.”

“I’m…” You felt a finger against your lips and the Master gave you a look. “Ok, no more apologizing.”

You felt a kiss on your forehead and you froze. This was getting to be too much. 

He chuckled at your blush. “Come on now, love. Let's get you officially moved in.” 

[kazuwhora]

hey kc my boo thang <333 it's valentina!! and im here to request a tokrev matchup hehe

my pronouns are she/her, i am in 2w3 and an enfp! my big three are aqua sun, then a pisces moon and rising! my venus and mars r in sag if that also helps.

sooo abt me so okay so. i'm a huge extrovert and i need to talk to people at all times, even if it ends up damaging me in some way. i tend to overshare a lot and i am a huge crybaby. i'm quite loud and all and it doesn't take long for me to get along with people unless i feel intimidated. im very loyal, like too loyal lol and tend to ignore people's flaws. a big big big part of me includes music. i listen to a lot of it, all day, everyday. one of my favorite bands is deftones! but i listen a fuckton of genre. like a fuckton. emphasis on fuckton.

my hobbies include writing, drawing (even though i suck cheeks + im currently in school for art), and honestly? i don't do a whole lot due to chronic fatigue. i love love love shopping as well

i do not know my love language TT but if i had to guess it would be gifting! my preferred love language though is physical affection

my type would be a guy that's either kinda fucking goofy tbh, a tease, a meanie, who likes to bother me a lot but like in a nice way ya dig? like he needs to be funny or it aint finna work. but i also really enjoy acts of maturity, that shows me that he is well put together and can keep me in check. he needs to be very understanding since i have lots of mental problems lol so. that's that. i also like to be spoiled so if he could do that? id be absolutely head over heels. they also need to be able to handle clinginess, since im very clingy

some trivia includes the fact that i am terrified of most bugs, i am on heavy on the asexual spectrum i believe, i HATE solitude with my entire being and my favorite anime is soul eater! i also hate gore/gory stuff and horror films.

pls ignore any typos i got rly excited lol

HI BABY ONCE AGAIN I OWE YOU MY WHOLE LIFE AND MY ENTIRE SOUL FOR TAKING FIVE FUCKING YEARS TO GET TO THIS ANYTHING YOU WANT I WILL SERVE YOU HAND AND FOOT PLEASE LOVE ME

RAN RAN RAN RAN RAN like realistically ran. ik ran is typed as an introvert but theres no fucking way that man is an introvert and idc what anyone says I wont have any of it. ran is an extrovert and he's the type of extrovert that just blends really well with the way you choose to interact with people. he's the type to be completely enamoured by the way you see people and the way you crave interactions even if it means ignoring people's flaws when you get close. but the thing is, ran isn't the type to take advantage of this either. is he a little off his rocker? yeah, what abt it. it doesn't matter bc he would NEVER DREAM of manipulating you or doing anything to hurt you. I think deep down ran is a little cynical and hides it with the allure of his pillowy airy personality, and being with someone (especially an xnfp) who can be comfortable oversharing, being a crybaby, and also putting up with his antics? dream come true.

but also ran is a massive fucking meanie but in the sweetest way. he's a simp at heart but he doesn't like to go down without a fight. he bothers you, annoys you, pisses you off, but all with love. all so he can watch you get frustrated and annoyed only to soften when you look at him because how could anyone deny his charm?? he knows he can get away with things and that's the one thing he'll take advantage of in the relationship. he also loves that you're clingy, and though he wont admit it in words, it gives him a rush of adrenaline knowing you love him THAT much.

also sorry but ran wont do shit about bugs. he is also terrified of bugs. murder? no problem. bug murder? no fucking way.