#i hate cats and i hate webber but cats DID something

[inkybinkyboink]

hi sorry i need to vent a little bit bc i saw a post saying that they wanted to make barbie into a musical and im,,maybe its the withdrawal headache but like why are we in an era where every new popular movie gets moved to broadway. why arent we zesty anymore. wheres the originality. moving the biggest hollywood blockbuster to broadway is the equivalent of disney remaking their own films because they have nothing better to do like oh my god bro.

[leclerc-s]

the blue - part ten

series masterlist // previous

LAS VEGAS 2023

ameliaholland posted new stories

ivy is adjusting well to the travel life well. pov: you've just had a rundown by lando norris on how charles is slowly losing his mental stability. don't worry! he's fine! still mentally stable but on his last limb polite cat oscaroo strikes again! photo from this morning's travels

tom holland okay, you guys can't be mad at me..

max verstappen thomas i swear to god- logan sargeant if this spider-bitch says harrison tagged along, we are not responsible for yuki. tom holland okay, well, i guess i'll die.

yuki tsunoda YOUR SISTER CRIED ON STAGED BECAUSE OF HIM! AND YOU JUST BROUGHT HIM ALONG??

sam holland i told him not too but he said, and i quote, "he's my best friend. i can't just not bring him." lando norris YOU COULD NOT BRING HIM?

george russell he's going to get killed.

charles leclerc we won't be responsible for yuki or max.

max verstappen i can take him

zendaya there is too much testosterone here

amelia holland OH I HAVE A SOLUTION!

amelia holland added 4 people

lily muni he why?

amelia holland you try saying anything against the zendaya alexandra saint mleux valid. very valid.

george russell how did you get my girlfriend's number?

carmen mundt someone was very drunk after her show in london that he forgot i was with him

pierre gasly you fucking idiot

kika gomes said the idiot to the other idiot

pierre gasly how am i an idiot?

esteban ocon you tried to "out spider-man" tom last week when you were drunk. charles leclerc and you almost ran into oncoming traffic. daniel ricciardo if it weren't for me you'd be dead.

lily muni he why were we added?

alex albon TOM INVITED HARRISON TO VEGAS!

kika gomes well that's stupid.

alexandra saint mleux your sister cried because of him?

tom holland you don't get it! he was sad and i can't say no to him! he's my best friend! i will get him to apologize to amelia.

amelia holland i'm not talking to him. i have nothing to talk to him about.

oscar piastri he's a dickhead. he's never going to apologize.

lando norris oscar jack piastri, cursing? that's a new one. someone call sky sports!

logan sargeant you're talking about the guy who grew up with mark webber. he's said worse. trust me.

oscar piastri shut up?

harry holland YOU INVITED THE SECOND STRING LOSER?

kika gomes fitting name. lily muni he it's what she called him in a song. i guess it stuck. zendaya he deserves it

harry holland thomas, we are having words.

sam holland and i'm calling paddy.

tuwaine oh shit just got real.

ameliaholland vegas, baby!

tagged: oscarpiastri, landonorris, mclaren

view all comments

landonorris when will i get a post for myself? i'm the best friend?

↳ ameliaholland when you finally get a race win...

↳ landonorris i hate you

username amelia holland, certified oscar piastri simp

tomholland2013 can't believe you ditched us to hang out with oscar

↳ ameliaholland can't believe you invited apple.

↳ lilymhe she's right thomas. how could you.

↳ maxverstappen1 can't believe spider-man would betray us this way

↳ charles_leclerc traitor

↳ yukitsunoda0511 liar.

↳ tomholland2013 I GET IT!

↳ ameliaholland but do you?

↳ francesca.cgomes clearly he doesn't.

username what on earth is happening in the comments?

username i don't know but they're all upset with tom

username amelia instagram is all just pictures of oscar

↳ username she's in love! let's leave her alone!

↳ username oh don't get me wrong. i love it. it's adorable

amelia holland max invited us out before free practice tomorrow and after the opening ceremony

tom holland I'M GAME!

zendaya sounds like fun.

sam holland count me in!

tuwaine a chance to party with the max verstappen and daniel ricciardo, count me in!

harry holland i'm in

harrison osterfield i don't think your friends like me very much

amelia holland they don't but max said to invite you anyways. something about water under the troll?

amelia holland i think he meant water under the bridge?

amelia holland pierre also said something about second string loser buying the first round of drinks.

harrison osterfield alright. i'll go

amelia holland you can leave if you feel uncomfortable at any point

harrison osterfield okay

ABU DHABI 2023

ameliaholland in honor of the end of the 2023 season, i give you one final photo dump.

tagged: oscarpiastri, landonorris, mclaren, tomholland2013

view all comments

oscarpiastri 🧡🧡

↳ ameliaholland 🧡🧡

username mama y papa!!

charles_leclerc this is charles leclerc erasure!

↳ alex_albon i agree this is erasure of the most important people in her life!

↳ ameliawinters as opposed to my boyfriend and brother?

↳ georgerussell63 of course!

username i need to find someone who looks at me the way oscar looks at amelia.

lilymhe not enough amelia content. 3/10.

↳ ameliaholland i'm sorry love, i'll do better next time.

yukitsunoda0511 0/10 no yuki content. every photo dump must include a picture of me.

↳ ameliaholland apologizes yuki. i'll include one next time.

harrisonosterfield where is the cat's seatbelt??

↳ oscarpiastri she said she didn't need one.

↳ harrisonosterfield you're being a very irresponsible father mr.piastri

↳ oscarpiastri i am simply listening to what my daughter wants mr.osterfield

↳ username talk about a friendship i never saw coming

username and to think we started the season with single oscar and we're ending it with oscar dating THE amelia holland!!

username ivy lives a better life than me.

username they're giving high school sweethearts.

username your honor, i love them

taglist: @six-call @1nt3rnetgf @fernandoswarcrimes @skynel09 @arieltwvdtohamflash @Mimolovescookies @brekkers-whore @natcha888 @camdensreg @mycenterfold @woozartss @dear-fifi @tygecjjd @cataf1 @nothaqks @caipng @nataliambc @formulaal @lichterfee @prongsvault @kaa212 @anxxiousaries @julesbabey1 @julesbabey @georgeparisole @hobiismyhopeu @melissayalene @nikfigueiredo @bella-1 @nichmeddar @namgification @anniemae299 @octopussesarecool @jensonsonlybutton @ragioniera @anytimeanywherebitch-blog @trouble-sistar @hwalllllllelujah

strikethrough means i couldn't tag you

¡leclerc-s speaks! in case you couldn't tell, i don't how to end stories, so this is my attempt at one. i definitely didn't procrastinate this because i didn't want to be finished with this story. not at all. but stick around and wait for the bonus chapters because this story isn't quite over yet.

¡disclaimer! this is in no way making assumptions about the people involved in this story, this is all fake. it is a fanfiction please don't take any of what is said seriously. this is all for entertainment purposes and as a creative outlet for me. enjoy!

[fuzzyspiderpawz]

Drew these a little while ago but I thought it’d be fun to finally post them anyway here’s my interpretation of all the bishops in their follower forms (i put them all in the regular cult member shirts but I think they’d actually wear something different)

Narinder

Has a bit of a love hate relationship with the lamb if you couldn’t tell (I’m a big fan of Narinder making cat noises) and also him and the lamb have an enemies to lovers arc FOR SURE. He takes out a lot of his anger by picking fights with other followers (ESPECIALLY his siblings) also takes on the role of executioner from time to time.

Leshy

Green worm man who causes problems on purpose and then falls in love with an orange/yellow cat👍 I also imagine he grows all sorts of different plants in his personal garden not just Camellia flowers.

Heket

my baby girl my queen my lovely frog wife whom I love she is the head chef but she also steals food from the kitchen aaaallllll the time. She gets very hungry very easily and also it’s her way of rebelling even if she can’t leave. She’s a surprisingly good cook. She can talk but barely and sometimes talking results in her coughing up blood so she’s learning sign language from another follower

Kallamar

He’s pretty pathetic tbh. He’s a good doctor but not super kind, he’d chastise and insult his patients a lot cause he’s still super upset and moody about what the lamb did. That is until followers started complaining to the lamb and the lamb intimidated him into behaving. Now he’s still moody and passive aggressive but less so, out of all his siblings he’s the most scared of the lamb. Can’t hear super well but he chooses not to listen most of the time anyway. Might also try learning sign language alongside Heket, as soon as they learn how they’d sign insults at each other until it devolves into a full on physical fight that the lamb has to break up.

Shamura

They actually get along very well with the lamb, they’ve made their peace with their fate and the fate of their siblings. Sometimes on rare occasions they will have long philosophical talks with the lamb. They did in fact ask to have an upper floor bedroom with a balcony for their house so they could be dramatic and brooding. They also adopted Webber as their child. Their friendship with the lamb might also be due to their very spotty memory.

The lamb gave all of them immortality necklaces they didn’t want to see them die again. Even if they weren’t gods anymore the lamb didn’t want to be the only one left who wore a godly crown. Most of the bishops are all still somewhat scared of the lamb. I imagine they eventually get used to them though.

[28ms28]

MY Rating of F1 drivers based on their personality(more sway) and their track presence and racing

1. Charles Leclerc

(Track Menace who is also Pookie Bear) (unintentionally funny) (just an inchident) (canonically listens to sad songs after bad races) (piano man was at some point higher in the iTunes chart than at the actual championship standings) (clueless cringefail loser) (Ice-cream man) (14 year old Max Verstappen's nightmare) (best qualifier on the grid imo) (idk something about someone who is on course for achieving greatness and will not stop until he achieves it no matter the cost, something about so much sacrifices for something he got soo close to achieving something that did not work out in the end something about how he devotes himself to Ferrari like no one else could before him something about how fate chose him to be in that seat something about how he made it look easy something about how it looked like the way was paved for him something red red red idk something about web weaving) (dogdad) (we love Leo) (went to Lewis Hamilton school of naming his dog after his rival) (oh and dreams about community services with said rival) (very strong mental health and even bigger therapy bills) (did i mention he's il predestinato of the tifosi) (biggest Ferrari fan) (only one who knows how to race max verstappen) (he was an ankle biting child see any photos of his childhood as proof) (everybody is maxplaining victim he's a maxplaining enjoyer) (suffers from middle child syndrome) (Seb's Ferrari child) (committed parricide on Sebastian Vettel in 2019 and 2020)

2. Max Verstappen

(pookiest pookie to ever pookie, track lion, big brother, catdad, certified victim ,about to be 4 time world champ, deserves so much more love, so so so incredibly talented, he's just a shy boy your honour ,free my man he did all of it but yeah vibes, because I'm dutch, fifa legend(just online), Danny kvyat has nightmares about him, geography nerd, has zero skills in any other physical sport, is planning to become a sim racer, tu tu tu du max verstappen (fun lore about Max did you know this guy was ranked 21st in the world in ultimate fifa in 2018(or was it 2016?? Doesn't matter) like can you imagine being that insane like bro you are a f1 driver in a top team like pls ??) (community service enjoyer) (certified yapper) (is terrified of fuel stations(jos verstappen when I catch you) ) (#1 lecfosi) (cringefail loser and he knows it) (teammate destroyer) (has read every rule in the rulebook and knows how to break every rule in the rulebook legally ofc all legally) (Seb's redbull child) (on his way to break every single one of Seb's record just to spite the old man)

(And is friends with an old Austrian man somehow)

3. Oscar Piastri

(Pookie bear, Mark Webbers child that has Sebastian Vettel's evil aura (Mark you will never know peace), koala, polite cat, eldest sibling energy, Android lover, Carlos Sainz's nightmare gremlin, loves cricket(cannot play well bless his heart), #1 lestappen shipper(I respect that) is also somehow the eldest of the lestappen children(his granddads are Webbanso) ) ( Him and Fernando have plotted the downfall of alpine) (I have a feeling he hates Zak brown deep down which I agree with) (grill the grid champ(like I said aura of Seb Vettel))

4. George Russell

(British individual(derogatory), king of radio messages (oh crikey), has an evil aura which is probably why he gets along with Nando, makes amazing powerpoints(facts!!), head of the gdpa and he takes it V.E.R.Y seriously probably the admin to the f1 driver group chat, part-time driver part-time strategist, he's a better driver than people give him credit for unpopular opinion but I think he can be a wdc or least a close wdc contender if given the right car I think if he was in lando's car in 2024 he probably would have taken the fight to max idk about winning but he's for sure no easy breeze, f3 and f2 wdc too, very memefiable or wotever the word is) ( T pose)(t.a.l.l.)(one sweaty boi)

5. Carlos Sainz

(Spanish chilli, smooth operator, dog lover, says bye to his racing career after 2024( no wait let me tell you something let me finish let m- *shot*), certified zoning out( Carlos has been called to the stewards), Lewis Hamilton hater prolly, certified Fred vassuer hater, poor guy really he leaves whenever a team is getting good like come on, has had very good teammates and has been friends with them, in 2025 will become the third person in history to have raced for Ferrari, McLaren and Williams, I feel like he lacks a bit of aggressiveness in his racing like he operates smoothly and intelligently sure but yk you should have a bite yk )(whenever he finds this said bite and aggressiveness it's usually against his teammate I'm observing you Carlos I'm noticing)( loves Lando Norris, golf master but humble about it, Maria Karey, one of the mature drivers on the grid, excellent at all sports, James aeiou has a crush on him, Lana del Ray coded, him and max were torro rosso nepo babies).

6. Lewis Hamilton

(7-time world champion, goat behaviour, was friends with P Diddy, rich cool wine aunt, #blessed, fashionista, Hammertime, Fernando Alonso's nightmare gremlin, don't ever mention 2016 in front of him, is haunted by Nico Rosberg, is neighbours with Nico Rosberg, will avoid Greece for the rest of his life, had a very public divorce, thus vegan, Silverstone 2008 you will always be famous, this Barbie is an f1 driver, still we rise guys, Toto Wolff and David Croft will sacrifice their bloodline for him, certified Micheal Massi hater, certified Bottas lover, we love him and Seb being the activists on the grid, this is getting manipulated man, did not survive Abu Dhabi 2021, did not survive Abu Dhabi 2016, has had caps thrown at him, Left family for Italian mafia, uncle I beg you please get your qualifying form back pls pls, is embarrassed by those toxic #teamlh and you cannot convince me otherwise, has let 2 baddies named Nico slip from him, ISS THAT GLOCK???, Bono my tyres are gone)

7. Lando Norris

(twitch streamer first f1 driver second, McLaren boy, hates papaya rules, has been multi21nd, mental health has been made very public by his own goddamn team, party-boy and DJ, fakes knowing how to play COD and Fortnite, very consistent racing good for him, terrified of first laps and poles, best friends with last laps and fastest laps(let's go Lando), shit at golf and geography but it's okay he makes up for it by being funny, probably misses being Carlos's teammate, but like Carlos lacks a bit of aggressiveness that is required, McLaren PR's nightmare gremlin, opposite of polite cat, has somehow managed to anger every fanbase and his car is the sole reason for the unification of RedBull, Ferrari and Mercedes, has been dealing with the wrath of Australia since 2021, at the end of the day just a curly haired guy ).

8. Fernando Alonso

(Spanish devil , Disney villain ahh character, 2005 and 2006 world champ, is looking for his 33rd win, Michael Schumacher's nightmare gremlin, grumpy old man first f1 driver second, lance lover(rare), Lawrence stroll's sugar baby, fast, prime Alonso I am scared of you, goat behaviour, holds a special grudge against McLaren and Lewis Hamilton(Alonso is sick of his ass), no more radio for the rest of the race, believes in karma, has dated Taylor swift apparently but is in love with Mark Webber( Jenson button is also somewhere in there), is known as El padre and has an el plan(everyone should be afraid), racecraft out of this world, 2005 Suzuka you will always be famous, all de time you have to leave da space, Alonso radio my love, aggressive but good racing the likes of which I have never seen and probably never will, what do mean by "I knew he'd brake earlier because he has 2 kids and a wife at home" like who says that what what??, worse career decisions than Ferrari strategies, bad luck so much bad luck, so chaotic so much chaos, has adopted Oscar and has plotted the downfall of alpine with him, Flavio haunts him, do not bring up Singapore 2008 in front of him especially not if Felipe Massa is present there, has driven the 2014 Ferrari and has not recovered from it, has outlasted Renault in formula one (wild), give Fernando Alonso 5 more points and he would be a 5 time wdc (even more wild), bye bye I'm still the bad guy)

9. Alex Albon

(alabonoo) ( bff with George Russell) ( is bullied by George Russell) (golf wag first f1 driver second) ( James aeiou has a favourite and it's Alex Albon) ( Alex really said I'm Thai first and a colonizer second and good for you Alex) (2020 Alex and 2022 onwards Alex are different people okay?) ( he's a consistent racer much like Lando but he makes mistakes more often, under pressure working is not his forte sorry pals but it had to be said) ( he's a really nice dude tho and really funny as well ) ( dude has a Chipotle member card as one of his essentials and you tell me I'm not supposed to love him come on be reasonable)(he has his own zoo he's a certified pet owner) ( if I had the money for that amount of pets I would do the same Alex I get it ) (also he's a Ferrari fan so you just know bro is always on hopium) (I think he gets put under the radar often but he's great) ( he seems to be a chill dude imo)(we both love lily)

10. Nico Hulkenberg

(German but like in a cool way) ( has been giving dad energy before he was a dad) ( called Hulk but is probably the calmest person on the grid) ( give my man Bruce Banner his podium nah it's not even funny anymore he deserves so much better than that) ( he's won le mans on his first try yk give him the Redbull seat for godsakes) (Nico is so cheeky like I know he's a gen x or something but like I see the genz potential yk) (Audi better have a car good enough for a podium I swear to god if we say bye to him before a podium I'm uhm I'm uh I'm gonna cry).

11. Yuki Tsunoda

(anime boi) (wants a restaurant before he wants a world championship and I respect that Yuki) (has an evil aura) (certified hothead because he's a certified good chef) (has the bitch spirit to be a Redbull driver but is not. because of Horner issues) (Yuki does make the occasional mistakes but like he's far better than the alt no?) (in the words of Yuki "idk man wotever") (too much anger for too small body) (is in love with Pierre Gasly) (is bullied by Pierre Gasly) (everybody loves Yuki even Nando is a fan)(tbf nandos a fan of anyone who has an evil aura) (people are terrified of Yuki radio as they rightfully should be) (Yuki is nightmare gremlin of every race engineer).

12. Pierre Gasly

(French but like from the north of France)(known for being French and Max Verstappen's teammate thus known for being fucked over by Redbull, also known for his revenge win in Monza) ( he's just a great driver like if given the right car he can fight at the top and win he's not on Max and Charles level yet but I feel like around George and better than Lando) ( he's also a good qualifier maybe it has something to do with speaking French who knows but yeah amazing what he can do in that shit alpine) (unfortunately he has a severe case of resting bitch face but he's very nice actually unless you are Esteban then he's not very nice) (yeah he also has the brocedes case of childhood best friends turned enemies but like French and he's very much Lewis in that way which means he would much rather ignore estie bestie than talk about him e.v.e.r while estie brings up his bestie Pierre wherever he can like Nico)( oh and he loves one Japanese boi)(pierreeee gasllyyyyy)

13. Kevin Magnussen

(Kmag the Viking) (my god nobody races like kmag lol) Okay so maybe I put him this high because he's a track terror to everyone but like watcha want me to do? Not acknowledging kmag's great defending is a crime, he is here to cause menace no matter how many penalty points he gains or races he's banned from he's really coming for Ocon's penalty points honour tbh. Shame really that this is his last season... just when things got interesting *sigh* (off the track he's a chill girldad) (hulk and kmag had an enemies-to-lovers story arc and I think that's beautiful)

14. Esteban Ocon

(he's French, he's from Normandy in France which is the north of France so you just know he was a bored child) (he and Pierre were bored babies) (which is probably why he races the way he does lol) (5-second penalty for Ocon) (no but seriously this guy has mad potential but also he's a mad teammate killer and not in a good way) (he has made a way for himself in formula one and he belongs here it's just that maybe if he tried targeting people other than his teammates he would make it much easier for himself) (he's a very cheerful person irl) (big Marvel fan) (gives very early teenage boy vibes) (softie at heart) (cannot for the life of him pronounce squirrel)(oh he also loves lance(rare)) (Estie bestie is on the podium babyyy)

15. Daniel Riccardo

(Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi oi oi ) (damn Daniel) (it's not tears it's athlete sweat ) (I mean I knew it was time to go but still it didn't have to be this way it's okay tho Danny is enjoying retirement and dirt bikes) (yeah the performance was just not there for Danny boi not that we could see it anyway because of vcarbs shit strategy or whatever they call it) (I miss prime Daniel he was such an annoyance to Sebastian)(2014 Daniel took the Australian revenge on Seb for his crimes against Mark Webber) (but yeah Daniel you go out of this sport with lots of love and a fastest lap)(ki ki aye)

16. Valtteri Bottas

(Finnish when he was in Mercedes but is officially Australian since then) ( Bottas more like Bott-ass get what I mean) (I mean that he has a weird obsession with his gluteus maximus) (Valtteri pls I beg you stop this behaviour) (10 time Grand Prix winner Valtteri has nightmares about James aeiou) (Valtteri it's James) (he's pretty chill all he cares about is racing, cyclist girlfriend, and his mullet+moustache(not necessarily in that order)) also here's a sad fact since Valtteri won't be on the grid next year it would be the first time a Finnish racer is not in the grid since 1989 yeah everybody is waiting for Robin Raikkonen now.

17. Sergio Perez

(Checo damn man what happened) (no 2 Redbull driver curse got to checo) (he was doing so good in racing point like Sakhir 2020 my beloved last to first, man what a performance that was) (he is capable of doing such great things but nooo bro gets knocked out in q1 more than he has reached q3) (Redbull killed the dawg in him man) (certain Austrian man haunts his nightmares and no it's not Niki Lauda) (he and Logan are the nightmare gremlins for mechanics)(even when he performs it's usually in no human right countries so he's not really helping the allegations) ( this poor Latina I swear to god) (he can't drive and he's up and about with other women(Taylor swift 1989 reference) aye aye aye(checo go home to your wife and children).

18. Logan Sargeant

(American) (bald eagle noises) (collective groan of William mechanics) (sorry logie bear)(James aeiou shall face the wrath of Jenson button it's ok) (first American to score points in f1 since 1993 that's 30 years so yaaay!!) (American history will be kind to you Logan)(not sure about f1 history tho) (your last gift to us was a sick ass album cover and I respect it) (if only he knew what a kilometre was * sigh*)(bye bye miss American pie).

19. Zhou Guanyu

(China boy) (another alpine escapee) (Zhou I'm sorry but you're not him anymore) (I miss pre-Silverstone 2022 Zhou where has my dawg gone man) (Zhou may not be as good of a racer now but he makes it up by being a fashionista) (tbf to him that Sauber stake monstrosity is not really helpful so) (also he is a catdad and had an emo phase through f3) (He's the first Chinese to ever race in f1 I think he's done his country proud) (He's also a proud Valtteri lover)

Okay so rookies next I did not include them here well because they have had like on avg 4 races soo

1. Oliver bearman

(ollie) (what a wonderful job he has done my god) (p7 in Jeddah on a day's notice wow dude) (he's driving for Haas in 2025 and his teammate is Esteban so that's..great (my condolences!! ifykyk)) also points in Baku after he passed his teammate (tell me you are a lestappen child w/o telling me you're a lestappen child) what I've seen from him I can tell he's very relentless that's good(also he's the most employed unemployed person ever) (also I heard people criticising him by commenting on his current f2 season like babe did u see his rookie f2 season?? that's why he's here not because of this year but last year and he's not doing bad this year it's just the car is shit but yeah he was at one point higher in the f1 standings than in f2 so I get why people are confused lol) (also he's super likeable very Genz very demure very mindful) (Ferrari has grown him in a lab with utmost care so he's very much a PR baby)

(oh yeah also he's in love with Kimi Antonelli) (yeah they are being genz lestappen)

2. Franco Colapinto

(Frankie baby) (Argentinian and very proud) (is very funny) (is also very genz) (sent James aeiou into a crisis by doing a better job than Alex Albon) (scored 4 times the amount of points than his predecessor in his 2nd race) (looks like Senna goes for the gap like Senna( in racing!! in racing!! calm down man)) (he deserves his place in f1 next year my god) (like the racecraft he has shown is very impressive I'm impressed and so is very f1 team even if he does not get the seat next year I doubt people are gonna forget about him believe me he will be in the talks still) (like I said he's not even had a full f2 season when he was called in for Williams and yet the incredible pace he has shown is fantastic) (has all the 30+ aged drivers enthralled with him and I don't blame them I would be too) (also he refers to Ocon as the Frenchman so where do I submit my stan card??) (oh and he has been adopted by Max Verstappen)

3. Liam Lawson

(aka New Zealand's revenge on Australia) (he did a fantastic job in 2023 and has been doing a fantastic job in 2024) (his idol is Lighting McQueen.....so now that everybody knows that he's Genz you can probably understand why he is beefing with Nando and Checo(boomers) (I think he drives aggressively but not as smoothly he is yet to find a balance it looks like but hey it's working out for him no?) (honestly just give either him or Yuki the Redbull seat) (off the track he's quite an expressive person but I don't think we have seen much of his personality he's friendly for sure and I mean he's a cars fan like come on he's a Pixar kid) (idk something about him says yeah I'm Genz but I still go on Facebook) (not that it's bad not saying the vibes are bad just Liam show more personality).

So that's pretty much it let me kno-what ? what do you mean I forgot someone oh lance stroll?? yeah no I didn't forget(I wish) I just have nothing to say really.

PLS READ these rankings are in my opinion and my opinion only please be kind to me this ranking is for humorous and comedic purposes only no hate to anyone!!

[neroushalvaus]

wouldn't it be funny if catpeople had a tumblr.. imagine the discourse

🐀 poorlittlemeowmeow Follow

I hate online dating. "I'm 💖birman💖" okay so you have blue eyes and won't take your white gloves off, hard pass

🗣 cfaroyalty-deactivated30112027

Cat breed girlies are worse than horoscope girlies istg, they will fuck up your house and be like "I can't help it, I'm a norwegian forest cat :3"

🧸 dollybutch Follow

I think y'all are being mean. I find it helpful to disclose that I'm a ragdoll before the first date so my date won't find it odd when I go limp in her arms :(

🐀 poorlittlemeowmeow Follow

Girl what the fuck

5881 notes

🙀 wongmau Follow

pour one out for us top catgirls, it's rough

🪆 daddywarfucks Follow

Not as rough as bottoming for you

🙀 wongmau Follow

Uncalled for

67,8 t. notes

🗣 cfaroyalty-deactivated30112027

I hate these new tumblr words for nonbinary catpeople. "Catjoy", "catswirl" fuck you, those words are so childish and cringe

😼 booper5000 Follow

Yeah, they are childish but some of us are literally kittens, leave us alone??

🗣 cfaroyalty-deactivated30112027

Could someone drag this baby away by the neck. I'm a tax paying, litter box using adult catperson and I don't have to think about your kitten feelings.

🫗 catjoyswag Follow

So if those words are cringe what do you suggest we call ourselves? Catcitizens??

😼 booper5000 Follow

Omb i love catcitizen. Like it's the French revolution.

🗣 cfaroyalty-deactivated30112027

You are a bunch of weirdos.

🫗 catjoyswag Follow

Weep about it, catizen cfaroyalty

🫗 catjoyswag Follow

We did it catnetizens

562 notes

😾 shitlitter Follow

diagnosis: calico catboys are valid!!

🏳️‍⚧️ catnipple Follow

Thank you, Dr. Shitlitter.

10 t. notes

🐾 sewercat Follow

OMB I WILL BE FUCIGNK ToniGHT

🐾 sewercat Follow

Beetyful women fuck me please

🐾 sewercat Follow

COCK IN EVERY HOLE

🐾 sewercat Follow

TITS IN MY MOUTh

🐾 sewercat Follow

pLeas

🐾 sewercat Follow

MEOOOOORRWWRRR MEOWWWWRR

🐾 sewercat Follow

Give m3 a strap prwtty babygirl an I make your dreams come true kitten pLE ass plese plea

🐾 sewercat Follow

PSPSPS HEEERE PUSSYPUSSYPUSSY

🐾 sewercat Follow

sorry guys i got the heats i'm normal again

101,8. t. notes

🪄 equallycunningwithdice Follow

Andrew Lloyd Webber wants to be one of us so bad. You will never be a catboy, Sir Andy.

🪄 equallycunningwithdice Follow

He has started wearing a hat like he's hiding something underneath... c'mon bro we all know you don't have cat ears there, be fucking serious

7701 notes

😹 fifeme Follow

character i can't shut up about... blorbo from my meows

87 t. notes

🍃 lostinthesauce Follow

I love partying with non-catpeople.

"Let's be careful with the weed, it's illegal", they whisper.

Meanwhile me, with my bong full of catnip,

8491 notes

[real-reulbbr-band]

i just looked at your blog and realized your a cats the musical blog and when you said cats asks that what you ment not pictures of ppl cats which is hilarious that's so funny.

i have never watched cats the musical but my theater teacher is obsessed with it so there's something...?

No worries! I really did like meeting your cat ^^

Also I would’ve loved to meet you’re theater teacher, my music teacher hates cats (but to be fair he hates andrew Lloyd webber as a person in general) Like once I told him I liked it and he said if we ever (unlikely as it was) performed it he’d make me Macavity 💀 which I honestly don’t know what that say’s about how he feels about me but hey I get to lift victoria and fight a guy so win win. He switched his answer to grizabella after though so ☺️

[carlandrea]

✍️🎁💎

✍️ If you had total creative control over a production of Cats, what would you change and why?

ok a lot of this is going to be about my girls and we're all going to have to be ok with that

big wigs and dramatic makeup. fun costumes with a lot of abstraction and some glitter—I've posted a couple of designs here before, but like. Mistoffelees in a silver pinstripe vest. Give Victoria a romantic tutu. Just vary the shapes a lot. Bombalurina and Demeter are in like a burlesque look. But like with fluff on all of them to like bring the looks together. I don't think i'd have leg warmers just like fluff on their costume directly.

Also fluffy tails! I love fluffy tails. I love it when the tails vary in fluffyness too so like. Victoria and Bombalurina have big feather boa tails. Tugger's got a smooth tale with fluff at the end. most of the cats have at least kind of fluffy tails.

Demeter should do a pole dance for her first verse in Macavity. Have there be like a broken street light on stage that sort of bends and twists over but it lights up different colors and there's enough pole to do a dance on.

Make the Macavity pose a dramatic dip where Demeter swoons into Bombalurina's arms. I love it in Macavity when they like touch each other—on the hand or on the shoulder. I was obsessed with the delivery in Paris 1989 where they like wildly shriek "and another peke's been stifled" so like. Just dial up the energy really high.

I love platoria. I do. But i feel like there'd be something really fun and thematic about having Jemima dance the pas de deux with Victoria? Because then it ties in to them welcoming griz home together. It would reframe kind of the whole show around their relationship and finding strength in each other

🎁 If you could give any of the ensemble cats a song, who would it be? What would it be about?

I don't know! I'm no TS Elliot. possible Cassandra? I love Cassandra. She seems like the type to sing about herself if we're being honest. So a very kind of slinky song for Cassandra

💎 If Andrew Lloyd Webber coughed up a sequel to Cats (as he did Phantom) would you go see it?

oh my god. It would be so bad. what the fuck would it even be about. No see like i hate this so much because like—who's writing the lyrics? ALW? He's doing like a fake TS Elliot? And like what would the sequel even BE? The next jellicle ball? Oh god it would probably have like dialogue. Like what could even happen.

Yeah of course I'd see it

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Is It Really THAT Bad?

Cats has been a divisive show ever since it opened in 1981. Some people hate it for being a plotless spectacle that focuses more on the visuals than on music and story, while others love it for those same reasons, as well as for being utterly campy and fun. I’m firmly in the latter category, to the point I can’t  really comprehend the opposition to the film. Stuff like the jab at this film in The Critic or the mockery of it in Hey Arnold just seem weird to me; what is it about this fun, silly musical about cats that makes people’s blood boil so much?

Perhaps all these people saw into the future where the film was released.

Cats had a long, troubled history getting from stage to screen. In the 90s, Amblimation was set to make an animated version of the movie, set during the Blitz of WWII. Unfortunately, the inability of writers to find a way to turn this episodic showcase of random singing cats into a cohesive narrative combined with the failure of Amblimations films caused the project to dissolve, leaving behind nothing but some really cool concept art. 

But see, this perfectly demonstrates the problem with adapting Cats: the musical is a spectacle, a showcase, it’s all about the dancing, costumes, and the songs. It doesn’t have a story to speak of, instead contenting itself with showing us a bunch of different cats and having them sing about themselves for a bit before moving on to the next cat. Sure, there’s a bit of continuity and whatnot, but this really isn’t the sort of show that’s trying to deliver a deep narrative. It just wants you to have a good time, nothing more, nothing less.

No one told any of this to Tom Hooper, apparently. This director of the grounded, gritty, realistic adaptation of Les Mis was tapped to utilize this same style in a musical about magical singing cats, all while not even knowing what catnip is or how animation works. Hooper was apparently constantly butting heads with the VFX team due to his lack of understanding of how animating works. He tried to get the team to watch videos of cats performaing the stuff he wanted and forced them to give 90 hour work weeks, cementing Tom Hooprt as one of the biggest douchebags imaginable. On top of all this, the guy tried to weave this plotless showcase of felines into a cohesive narrative, and tapped a bunch of talent of various degrees of questionability to play parts. And what was the result?

An absolute disaster. The film was savaged by critics, with most positives being that the film was so bad it’s good. The film (of course) won a bunch of Razzies, and was the subject of mockery and memes before, after, and during its run in theaters. Hell, as soon as the trailer dropped, the film was mocked to death. Not helping was the rushed VFX which, again, was due to the team being under pressure from a draconian idiot who had no idea what he was doing. The film received an unprecedented bug fix, so to speak, in the form of an updated version with slightly better VFX that was shipped to theaters after the initial negative reaction. This obviously did nothing to help the movie’s reputation, of course. Hell, even in my initial review, I wasn’t super keen on the film. Most damning of all, though, was Andrew Lloyd Webber himself calling the film ridiculous, and even said "The problem with the film was that Tom Hooper decided that he didn’t want anybody involved in it who was involved in the original show."

But after ruminating on it, and after watching the film once more, I’ve decided to ask the usual question: Is it really that bad? It’s weird to ask this about a film that’s so new; I usually wait for hindsight to kick in, and look at older films considered bad. But even now, Cats is building up a reputation as a campy cult classic, with such figures as Martin “LittleKuriboh” Billamy watching the film with alarming frequency. And after reading the nightmarish behind the scenes and considering everything… yeah, I think this film deserves a re-evaluation.

This is going to be a little different, though: I’m sort of going to go through the film part by part, since this film has an interesting issue where, generally speaking, the first half is where the worst problems are, and the second half is where things start to pick up. So let’s get the bad out of the way first, then move onto the good.

THE BAD

So, I’m actually not going to pick on the VFX too much, and not just because of the horrible treatment of the VFX artists. In all honesty, the weird human/cat people, while not even remotely as cool as the insane costumes of the stage show, eventually stop being super distracting and kind of just become something you accept. Like, I’m not gonna pretend like this work is amazing, but I dunno, I think it gets harped on too much. There is some stuff that stands out as noticeably bad, though, and we’ll get to that.

A consistent problem with the film that I can’t even try to defend is the problem with the scaling. It’s seriously hard to tell how big these cats are supposed to be in relation to anything else. They honestly seem to change size from scene to scene. It’s seriously weird and baffling and there’s never any way to get a good sense of scale. Even when the cats are alongside mice and roaches, it just boggles the mind what size anything is actually supposed to be.

Mr. Mistoffelees, one of the most flamboyant and enjoyable characters of the stage show, is one of the biggest character issues with the film. Gone is the tricky, confident magician who prances and dances, and here is a meek, sniveling twerp who can barely do anything without tripping over himself. This is because the actor who plays him had a terrible audition that left him miserable due to a lack of singing and dance background. So, rather than find someone who could, you know, sing and dance, they decided to rewrite Mr. Mistoffelees into comic relief, which is just an insulting slap in the face. The cherry on top of course is how they straightwash the character and excise his homoerotic tension with Rum Tum Tugger, instead making him completely and totally straight and giving him a thing for Victoria. Out of everyone in the entire film, they did Mr. Mistoffelees the dirtiest.

Now, let’s get onto the actual “plot.” The film actually starts out fairly well, with some cool shots, good dancing, and some setup for Macavity, whose intro has a neat little nod to the fact he’s based on Moriarty. The issues don’t really start showing up until we reach the first of the Jellicle choices… Jennyanydots.

Jennyanydots is portrayed by Rebel Wilson, which is the first issue. Rebel Wilson is probably one of the worst actresses ever. She is just a horrendously, relentlessly unfunny human being, and she brings that exact quality to her role here. For her song, the vocal talent is secondary to the cringeworthy comedy Wilson puts on display. And yet, somehow, Wilson isn’t the worst part of the scene. No, that would be the horrendous CGI human-faced mice and roaches, which look like they came out of a PS3 game.

This horrendous spectacle is followed up with the appearance of Rum Tum Tugger, portrayed by Jason Derulo. I’m of two minds about this. On the one hand, I do think Derulo has the necessary egotistical celebrity swagger to play Rum Tum Tugger (especially when you consider he responded to negative criticisms of the film by calling the movie  “one of the greatest pieces of art ever made”) and his design is actually one of the better ones in the film, but on the other hand, his singing and the musical choice for his song are not very impressive and really just doesn’t work all too well. It’s at least something of a step up from Rebel Wilson and her CGI abominations, but that’s not really saying much, is it?

Next up we have Bustopher Jones, played by James Corden and, if I’m being totally honest… he’s not quite as awful as he could be. Corden is basically the male equivalent to Rebel Wilson, but at least while he’s singing he manages to be somewhat amusing, whimsical, and enjoyable even. The problem comes when he throws in jokes, including one where he claims to be self-conscious about his weight… a joke that occurs in the middle of his song where he is bragging about how fat he is. Talk about sending mixed messages. I wish I didn’t have to be so harsh on Bustopher, but sadly he is bogged down by really bad shtick.

Bustopher Jones also highlights a problem with the cats in this first half. These minor roles – Jennyanydots, Rum Tum Tugger, and Bustopher Jones – are all being played by relatively big celebrities, and as such they’re going to want a lot of time to sing. As a result, songs that were ensemble numbers on stage become more one-man songs here, with Bustopher Jones being the most egregious example, turning this positive fat character into a walking James Corden fat joke as he sings his own praises rather than having his praises sung.

Following him up we have Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer, who are usually fun characters with a fun little pseudo-villain song, but alas, they manage to screw that up by using a slow, jazzy version of the song originally used in earlier London productions rather than the more up-tempo version from later productions, making the song sound awkward and forgettable. Topping it all off is the bargain bin Mr. M popping in at the end for some wacky shenanigans, but at this point, the movie takes a turn towards…

THE GOOD

So as soon as Dame Judi Dench shows up as Old Deuteronomy, the film gets a sort of inverse of what happened at the start. Where the film starts somewhat awkward and promising, it slowly gets stupider and stupider when Rebel Wilson, Jason Derulo, and James Corden botch their scenes in the ways described above. Here, things start a bit shaky and unsure, but Dench is a sign things are about to pick up. What makes her so enjoyable is how, despite how utterly silly things are, she treats her role with the dignity and gravitas of something out of Shakespeare. The only thing as good as an actor in a silly movie like this going full-on ham and cheese is an actor treating their role dead serious and injecting it with such class and dignity you can’t help but enjoy it. Thankfully, Dench isn’t the only person to take her role seriously.

Jennifer Hudson as Grizabella technically appears briefly in the earlier portions of the film, but here we get to hear her belt out “Memory,” and by god does she do a fantastic job. The raw emotion and passion she injects into Grizabella is phenomenal, and it’s even more powerful when it comes back for its reprise in the finale. Victoria gets a sort of response song to “Memory,” called “Beautiful Ghosts,” and it’s a decent song in its own right, but you can tell it was a more modern composition and it just doesn’t gel super well with the rest of the songs. Still, all this is good stuff, and the “Memory”/”Beautiful Ghosts” scene is a nice, refreshing bit of emotion after the incredibly weird and silly extended dance number that is the Jellicle Ball.

The movie doesn’t stop pulling punches; shortly after Grizabella we are given Gus the theater cat, an elderly actor whose number is all about reminiscing of the old days of theater and his many stellar roles from days gone by. Naturally, the only actor who could possibly perform this role properly is Sir Ian McKellan. I am completely unironic when I say this: This is to McKellan what Patrick Stewart’s performance of Xavier in Logan is. This sounds ridiculous, but think of it: Gus is an aging thespian, clearly a bit senile and desiring to be reborn because he has reached the end of the line, and McKellan fills him with this genuine, incredibly honest performance that really makes you feel emotional. It’s powerful. It feels so personal and resonant, like McKellan has inserted some of his own feelings into his performance, which may very well be the case. Oh, and after his song Macavity kidnaps him with a big autograph book and apparates away while saying his name, which gets me every time.

And now, my friends, the lord and savior arrives: Skimbleshanks.

This is, hands down, the best scene in the entire film. Everything comes together here: the music is absolutely fantastic, the dancing is choreographed extremely well, and it’s clear that everyone involved is having a blast. This is a concentrated essence of what Cats should be, and it’s really a shame Hooper didn’t understand that this is the energy needed for the entire production. The most crucial element, of course, is Steven McRae, who not only has a lovely singing voice and looks dapper as all hell in his red suspenders, but is a tap dancing maniac. This man has feet of fire, and his tapping adds a whole new layer of fun to the song. Overall, this is a perfect scene, and probably one of my favorite scenes in any film ever. For a brief four minutes, everything about this film works. I literally have no idea why this cat wants to be reincarnated, he is straight balling in this life.

But the hits don’t stop! Right after this song, Taylor Swift descends from the ceiling, and we get “Macavity.” In the stage productions, this is a song sung by Bombalurina to describe how nasty Macavity is, since she’s traditionally a good cat; here, she’s reimagined as a villain, and so this song is basically her acting as Macavity’s hype man, singing his dastardly praises, and best of all, Macavity joins in at the end! I’m certainly not a Taylor Swift fan, but she really kills it here, and definitely makes this one of the best songs in the movie with her hilariously forced accent and insane energy. It’s just a shame that from here on out Macavity ditches his villainous pimp coat and is now a nude Idris Elba, but I suppose this is equivalent exchange for Skimbleshanks being so amazing.

While not as incredible as the previous two songs and not quite as good as the stage version due to the removal of the latent homoeroticism, Mr. Mistoffelees’s song is actually okay. It’s nice that he gets to sing his own praises here, but it’s just nothing compared to the stage version, even if it has a fun little finale and it actually is genuinely heartwarming when Old Deuteronomy returns and sings along. It’s a sweet moment that almost makes up for how much Mr. M has sucked the whole movie. Oh, also, all of the Jellicle choices Macavity kidnapped fight back against their captor Growltiger, with Skimbleshanks aggressively tapdancing at him and Gus using his acting skills to make him fall into the Thames. This is so goofy that it wraps back around to being awesome.

The movie winds down in the goofiest way possible after the gorgeous reprise of “Memory,” with Macavity being caught on a big sculpture and apparently running out of magic, leaving him stranded like a regular cat. Then we get one final fourth-wall breaking song where Judi Dench directly addresses the camera that has the music swell up to the point where it seems like the song is ending numerous times without actually ending, and each time is funnier than the last. Really, what better way could you end such a silly film than with this?

Now, a general thing that’s great about the film is the choreography. The dancing in the movie is spectacular. I don’t really have a bad thing to say about it. And, in a broad sense, the music is good too, even if the singers aren’t always perfect, the backing tracks are great, and there’s a lot of fun in the tracks in the latter half of the movie. McRae and Taylor Swift’s contributions in particular are great, and Hudson’s version of “Memory” is incredibly powerful, as is McKellan’s take on Gus’ song.

Is It Really THAT Bad?

No.

Look, it’s hard to be like “Wow this is a fantastic masterpiece of film” or anything like that, because the movie has blatant and evident problems. But this is literally the reason I made this review series; I’m asking if the movie is really as bad as people say, and in this case, no, there’s too much genuinely enjoyable in the film for me to say it’s deserving of several Razzies and a spot on the Bottom 100 of IMDB that places it above Master of Disguise and The Emoji Movie. Like, seriously? This is worse than the 90 minute commercial starring the abusive dick who called a bomb threat on his girlfriend? Hell, this movie is rated worse than Artemis Fowl, which is definitely a contender for the worst film ever made (and amusingly enough also features Judi Dench in it). Artemis Fowl has next to no redeeming qualities in it, and it certainly doesn’t have Skimbleshanks, whereas Cats has several fun scenes and also has Skimbleshanks.

I definitely think there’s more of an argument for this film being so bad it’s good or camp at best, but it’s definitely more enjoyable than you’d think it would be. If you can learn to live with the weird CGI, it’s a fun, goofy romp that you might find yourself feeling for at times. After my second watch, I have to say… I’ve started to unironically enjoy this movie. It might even be one of my favorites of all time. I can’t even deny that it has a lot of stuff I don’t like, and it falls flat in a lot of ways the 1998 film soars, and it screwed up some of my favorite characters… but there are so many moments where the fun and heart of Cats shines through brighter than it has any right to, and all the failures of Hooper and Universal seem distant for a just a few minutes.

So yeah, is this movie good all around? No way. But is it fun, does it have value, and is there more redeeming qualities than the critics let on? Oh yes there is.

[itsmyregularcat]

i think the 'extras' refers to extra clips, behind the scenes interviews and such that are on the bluray or dvd. It really doesn’t make sense to look at individual extras to mock them and by just watching the film you really can’t tell what they thought it would be like. And the way op says 'some of them involved' wouldn’t make sense because how would one extra be involved and others not and if not how would one know someone isn’t involved just by watching. Which makes me certain it wasn’t aimed at extras as in actors but extras as in bonus material.

Not to be a shit disturber (and at the same time to absolutely be a colossal shit disturber), I disagree with you. The way that post was worded was certainly aimed at the actors versus the content in the extra features. Someone would have to specifically seek out the extra footage, which I doubt they would do when it is such easy, low hanging fruit to say��‘hehe cats dumb bad movie’. If someone disliked the movie (enough to deride it online), it is quite unlikely that they own a physical / digital copy. That extra footage absolutely shows and appreciates the effort that went in to make the movie, not matter what the outcome turned out to be. I can agree with that. Those involved were unabashedly committed to the movie.

Why did the OP use a gif of a ‘background’ cat then, when they could have used the behind the scenes footage you alluded to? The cat in the gif, Freya Rowley, barely appears in any of the behind the scenes footage (aside from being in the background) if you have ever watched it, and the same goes with 90% of the rest of the cast. The interviews in the extra footage are only with a few (main) characters and some notable production team members, and even then it is basically Tom Hooper and Andy Blankenbuehler (who I admittedly do have respect for due to involvement with the Broadway Revival) waxing poetically and ego stroking themselves. Tom thought he was doing something with all of changes, and while the ambition is admirable, it fell flat in the end because he sought to make it ‘his vision’ over Andrew Lloyd Webber’s. ALW even had to reportedly step in to reverse some more extreme changes, or else he would not sign off on parts of the movie. The more you investigate, the stranger some of the potential and scrapped ideas you discover, but they are all hear-say in the end because none of them will ever be confirmed.

Essentially no one aside from Jason Derulo, Taylor Swift, Judi Dench, James Corden, Jennifer Hudson, and Rebel Wilson are interviewed in depth. Francesca Hayward gets a bit, and so does Robbie Fairchild, but the majority of the interviews focused on the big names and direction team. If they would have spent the time to interview someone like Freya Rowley or Zizi Strallen (who has a fairly illustrious stage career in her own right) I would have welcomed it. Give a voice to those who are not going to be widely known. For fucks sake, quite a few of the ‘background actors’ in the movie were in stage shows of Cats. Named characters played by Naoimh Morgan (Rumpleteazer), Freya, and Zizi, as well as unnamed ensemble cats, like Corey John Snide and Kolton Krouse, were all part of Cats before the movie. They never got the recognition they deserved. 

Regardless, guess what? Everyone fucking hated it. Those people who poured their time and energies got ridiculed, and many pushed themselves away from associated themselves with the movie. It is likely the lesser name actors lost career prospects because of how poorly Cast (2019) was received. Imagine being in that movie, and seeing the reviews. I doubt you would say you were proud to be in it, though every actor should certainly be proud as all fuck that they were in such a movie. Who knows what the fallout from the movie will be for these actors because I assume the ongoing p*ndemic has ruined their careers even more.

Anyway, I will support and fight for Cats (2019) as long as I am in this fandom. I am tired of the insults related to how bad it was. I realize that it was not great, and that there was a lot that could have been so more better done, or that they destroyed the essence of the musical in many spots. It was my introduction, and why I gravitated to the stage productions. If the ill-fated movie led some viewers to discover the world of Cats, it does make up for some the derision and panning by a majority of asshats.

Thank you for your comment though. My apologies for going off a bit. You may be correct, but the way that post was presented suggests differently.

Anyway, stan Jellylorum 2019, stan Tantomile 2019, stan the whole damn cast, or if will fucking come for you I swear to the Everlasting Cat. Support those who cared enough to be in Cats and believe in it.

[omgthatdress]

How to make Cats a good movie.

I watched Cats, and once I got over the initial horror, I was actually pretty entertained and found myself enjoying the shit out of it. Like god bless it, for as nightmare-inducing as much as it was, Tom Hooper was clearly *committed* to his vision and you gotta give him credit for that. The scenery was actually really beautiful and the cinematography was frequently breathtaking. Like it really did have a lot of elements that really worked for it. But for every bit of genius, there was something terrible that the movie just couldn’t overcome. So let’s dive in.

First of all, you kind of have to understand Cats: the musical. It’s an adaptation of poems that T.S. Elliott of nihilistic lost generation fame wrote for his godchildren about cats. And the poetry is charming af and totally captures the nature of cats and why they’re so lovable. In the in the 1970s, Andrew Lloyd Webber did a shit ton of cocaine and decided to make a musical out of these poems. As a result, Cats has no plot. It’s a bunch of cats singing their songs about who they are and doing a lot of dancing. The thinnest of narrative devices is created with the “jellicle” ball and the deciding of which cat gets to ascend to heaven or some shit. So yeah. Cats is actually pretty controversial among theater nerds, it’s very much a you either love it or hate it thing. Is it stupid? Yes.  Is it going to make everyone happy? No. Does it lend itself well to film adaptation? fuck no. I get the feeling that Tom Hooper was really going for deep, meaningful poetic cinema here and trying to make another Les Mis (which was way overly long and ultimately sank under its own sheer weight as a movie and probably is better viewed as a play). I’m operating under the assumption that Hooper was going for ground-breaking cinema that would have made millions and swept up during awards season and cemented him as a legendary director and gone down in movie history, because every little detail of Cats is clearly meant for maximum impact. You kind of need to drop all expectations going into Cats, so once you’re there, you can have fun with it. So how do you make it a good film?

1. The HORRIBLE hyper-realistic cgi human-cat hybrids. YES, it’s a technical marvel, and the CGI artists who made it all deserve a ton of credit for the work they did. And I understand why the actors were kept in their human shapes: live dance is a huge part of what makes Cats work. One of the smart decisions made was hiring theater veterans for the filler roles in the cat chorus, so when you have the choreographed numbers, it’s really spectacular. It’s just the end result was way too uncanny valley and bizarre for any of the film’s good parts to ever rise above it. I think a minimalist approach would have actually worked best. Cat ears and simple costumes with clean lines that show off the dancer’s bodies. Go for the suggestion of cats, and kind of let the viewer’s imagination take over, and showcase the cat’s personality. A huge part of what I enjoyed was hearing the poetry and imagining these cats and how they all relate to cats I’ve known. The dance and the music helped heighten this experience, but hybrids kept reminding me of the joke: what do you get when you cross a human and a cat? An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee.

2. The schlocky, honestly amateurish attempts at slapstick humor. I’m gonna come out and say it and say that Hooper is pretty deeply entrenched in *dRaMa* and has no sense of how comedy works. There was a lot of added in comedic bits from Rebel Wilson and James Corden, and it was honestly terrible. I mean really, a crotch hit? That kind of lowbrow comedy is so crude and base that it’s actually really hard to pull it off well. Slapstick comedy actually lends itself to the whimsical tone, and slapstick done well can be utterly sublime, but Cats seemed satisfied that fat people falling over is the height of comedy and should be left at that. And a second note on the comedy? Weirdly fat-shame-y. A saw a post about how odd it is to see James Corden, who has been very frank about how he’s struggled with dieting and come to accept that his body is fat and can’t be made not fat, playing this role where fat is added to his body, his CGI vest strains at the buttons, and he’s literally stuffing his face with garbage. The theme of fat people as lazy, stupid, and slovenly carried over from Rebel Wilson’s role, in which she also plays a fat lazy cat who is leaned on heavily for comic relief. I know the role is about a fat cat, and gently laughing at a fat lazy cat who loves to eat is fine, but, speaking as a fat person myself, this felt like a gleeful exploitation of a nasty and cruel stereotype. James Corden and Rebel Wilson are both extraordinarily funny people who happen to be fat, and their comedic gifts were tremendously mis-used here, reducing them to simply two fat bodies to be laughed at.

3. Jennifer Hudson. She’s a talented actress who can sing and emote like a motherfucker. And emote she did. She was clearly GOING for that second Oscar. I really don’t want to call her performance bad. The same level of emotion, tears running and snot flowing, in another movie, would have been devastating (Hello, Viola Davis in Fences). But this isn’t Fences, it’s fucking Cats. You need a level of character depth and development that Cats doesn’t afford to make those tears hit. All the crying and misery was an odd maudlin and over-dramatic break in the fun and whimsy. With a subtler performance and a hint of self-awareness, it could have actually brought in an emotional anchor for this light-as-air film, but Cats doesn’t make any attempt at nuance, and as a result the scenes just hit you out of nowhere like a load of bricks. 

4. Francesca Hayward. Okay, before we go anywhere, I want to say that this girl is not un-talented. She’s the principal ballerina of the Royal Ballet, and has a very long list of ballets that she’s lead in. So it makes sense that she’d be hired for a role that’s primarily ballet. This girl is a really really great DANCER. But Cats was clearly trying to make an A-list actress out of her. They tried to make her into Florence Pugh, who has been acting for a while and is blowing up right now because she’s very talented. Like everything about Francesca’s role in the film said “This is a star-making role.” A new song was written just for her to sing as an addendum to Cats’s show-stopping signature song. But the song was just okay, it didn’t carry nearly the emotional weight or all-around beauty of “Memories,” and all in all felt wedged-in and totally unnecessary and really just felt like a grab at that “best original song” Oscar. Francesca’s voice is high, thin, and child-like. It’s not unpleasant, but next to the richness and depth of Jennifer Hudson’s voice, it crumbles, and it’s not the sort of voice that I want to seek out to listen to over and over again. As for her overall performance, she largely keeps the same look of wide-eyed wonder throughout her numerous close-ups, so much so that I found myself thinking of the the MST3K “dull surprise” sketch. But I don’t know if that’s really entirely her fault. There was an attempted romantic storyline with the magic cat, but again, because of the nature of Cats and its lack of real character development or depth, the chemistry fell flat. There really isn’t much of a chance to show off a lot of dramatic range, so to keep going back to her character, it kept reinforcing the one-notedness of her performance. Really, I just kept wanting to see Francesca dance. Ironically, I think they really blew an opportunity trying to make an A-list actress out of her. All she really need to make people want to see more of her is one spectacular dance number, but for some reason, she never really gets that show-stopping moment. 

5. Dignity? I guess this goes back to the whole CGI cat thing, but there were a lot of moments when I felt this tremendous wave of second-hand embarrassment hit me on behalf of the talented actors in this film. Watching Gandalf lap up milk from a saucer was a wholly uncomfortable experience, like come on, grant the great Ian McKellan some fucking DIGNITY here. Which goes back to whatI said earlier that a suggestion and interpretation of cats would have worked better than all-out just being a cat. Or it could again just be how much Cats just fails its attempts at comedy. But then again there was no fucking reason at all for Idris Elba to be that fucking NAKED. I guess they were trying to make him sexy? But his sexy smolder and just being Idris Elba wasn’t enough they had to make sure that we all saw his chiseled pecs and thick thighs. And then at the end when he’s dangling off of the rope of a hot air balloon and what’s supposed to be a funny scene, I think, I kept thinking “I’m so sorry this is happening to you, Idris.” 

There’s a bunch of other small, nit-picky things that I could go into. Those cockroaches would have worked so much better if they weren’t humans with an extra set of arms. Watching them get eaten was some horror movie shit. Taylor Swift’s Macavity song would have worked a lot better if the cat chorus full of cats we’ve gotten to know had sung it, but instead Taylor Swift is brought in as a new cat we don’t know whose only purpose is to sing the Macavity song? but of course a big oscar-bait movie needs to have that pop star that draws in the people who wouldn’t otherwise see it and making her a part of the cat chorus would have had her performing throughout the whole movie and she would have floundered the way pop stars tend to do when performing musical theater around a bunch of musical theater actors. So I guess I get why she was thrown in.

So.... yeah? Is there anyone else who found themselves enjoying it in spite of everything? I’m glad I have dogs and didn’t have to watch this mess with actual cats around me.

[itskateak]

(Preface: this is a really long post as I typed it as I was watching the movie so this is unedited, pure thoughts as I was watching this movie.)

I just started watching the new Cats movie and I’m already having issues with what’s going on

Why did Munk spider man his way down a wall

What’s wrong with Misto

Why don’t they just crawl on their knees Jesus Christ if they weren’t on their toes it would be better

“Are you mean like a minx” that’s not in pitch

ThatS NOT HOW JUMPING WORKS

The choreography is going good though- I knew it would. I’ve worked with that choreographer before.

WHY IS THIS NOW A POP REMIX

I have so many questions

Music is too fast. Tempos are everywhere.

Singing isn’t too bad. I can understand the words better.

Munk is a little too feminine for my taste at the moment but I like his design.

ROMANTICAL CATS (heart hands) IS THE MOST ON BRAND MISTO THING YET

Macavity speaking and singing his own song is disgusting

WHY DO THEY HAVE HUMAN TOES AND FINGERS

Why is everyone bullying Misto

AND HUMAN NOSES

Munk there’s a rhythm to the Naming of Cats. You can’t go off it whole everyone else is on it.

You guys can’t keep a tempo can you

HIS name. HIS.

Munk that’s a little sexual. NO YOU ARE WITH DEMETER STOP

stop cutting the scene up. Just let them dance.

AH REFERENCE TO ORIGINAL CHOREO. I SAW THAT

Misto is on brand except he’s not Misto yet storytellers

Also I’m liking the idea that Victoria is new to everything and the plot is they’re introducing her to the wild and the whole heaviside layer thing

THATS NOT THE MELODY MUNK STOP

they have human eyebrows too what

Munk that note is too high for you

Is Jenny twerking excuse me

JennY IS SUPPOSED TO BE MOTHERLY STOP THAT

that’s also not the melody

The human mice are going to cause nightmares

Wait is Jenny lusting after Munk

Why does he actually look interested

Munk do you have an English accent or American. Please decide.

Jenny that’s not the right notes

HUMAN ROACHES NO

WHY DO THEH HAVE HUMAN FACES

The skiN UNZIPPED OH NO

no one needed that undershot of cockroach crotches

Mm meow

huh what Tugger what was that

Okay Derulo is not bad at all

I’m missing the Tugoffolees banter though

This Tugger is a little gayer than the original

THE NEUTER JOKE OH MY GOD

Tugger is reminding me of Dr. Frank N Furter from Rocky Horror Picture Show

Why does he have an English accent though

VictoriaaaaAAAAA? (The TOES)

Jenny’s humor is eh. Don’t see the reason of putting that in.

The ending is pure Tugger though

Not a bad rendition

Grizz isn’t as rough as I imagined her looking

Oh her VOICE

HER VOICE HITS HARD

Who is this cat singing about Grizz (the first) her voice was nice

NO. WHY THE SHORTNESS ON “that”

Munk why did you grab that queen’s head

Edward Hyde is that you?

Jenny stop trying to be the comedy relief you’re too awful at it

Bustopher please STOP singing your own song

PLEASE KIDNAP HER IDRIS ELBA

THANK YOU

I wish they spent more time dancing since that’s really the point of the show and the draw to it.

Bustopher wearing heels? I’m for it. Gay legend.

“Thanks Tugger” stop this whole sequence please

Bustopher is supposed to be a very prim and proper cat. What happened to him

Still can’t get over Idris Elba being in this

THATS NOT THE MELODY OF MUNGOJERRIE AND RUMPLETEAZER

What have thEY DONE TO THE MELODY GOOD GOD

AND THE RHYTHM THEY DESTROYED THE SONG

Oh. Hey that’s pretty neat choreo though

“I bought that for her myself” “hey” “what?”

My brain is rebelling because it’s not right at all in anything I remember

Did Misto just pull a whole femur from his hat

STOP THAT. MISTO LOOKS LIKE A CLOSETED TWINK STUCK IN A STRAIGHT RELATIONSHIP

is he wearing eyeliner

GROWLTIGER IS BACK

I don’t actually know his song so this is new to me

Jenny and Bustopher being comedic relief hurts because they’re not funny

Munk “where have you been?!” Is there a love triangle happening. What happened to Demeter

Also his voice in Deuteronomy is actually really nice

“Sits in the suuun” that was beautiful oh god

Deut looks more like how I imagined Grizz would look

IS THAT DAME JUDI DENCH

I bet she regrets ever saying yes after this.

What cat is randomly wearing a crow skull around their neck. Is that a witch’s cat

JUDI DENCH CAN’T YOU ACTUALLY SING? WHY ARE YOU STRUGGLING

Why are you singing Munk’s line

Oh the Jellicle ball is next let’s go Andy show me that awesome choreo

Asparagus are you okay

Tempo doesn’t exist in this movie does it

Neither does rhythm or time keeping

IS THAT MY BOY SKIMBLESHANKS

Twirly boy Munk

Munk really just wants to be topped doesn’t he

WhAT WAS THAT TWITCHING AND THE PANTING

Andy I love you man but the traditional and classic choreo would’ve worked just as fine

Skimble and Munk being gay

what happened to Plato and why is there something going on with Misto

TUGGER YOU HAD A MOMENT YOU COULD HAVE INTERRUPTED

Ah okay I understand why that happened. No mating dance or slumber party

Cats wearing shoes disgusts me more than the toes

POINTE WITHOUT POINTE SHOESSSS GROSS

honestly? Jellicle ball is disappointing. They just cut the ten minutes of amazing dancing down to like four.

I don’t like the heavy breathing. That’s not something that was ever necessary.

Okay, the end worked okay with the big synchronized dances.

I’m ready for this Memory rendition. Already getting chills.

Those are very human hands

Oh keep with the rhythm I beg of you

Ooh altered verse

Wait that’s jennifer Hudson???

Oh we just removed a whole verse, bridge, and chorus didn’t we.

Sweet moment? See I like Vic reaching for Grizz

Vic gets a song??? Ooh intrigued

I like her voice

I’m going to cry this song is sad and I’m glad she gets a story

Though it’s kind of “you think your life is hard? Mine’s worse” feeling after Memory

Awww I’m gonna cry what a sweetheart what a lovely dear protect her

Ugh meaning of happiness. I hate this song no matter who sings it.

Wait what happened to Rumpus Cat song :( the battle of the pekes and the pollicles

What do you mean you’re about to make the choice

We still have Gus’s song, Misto’s song, and Skimble’s song.

They got Ian McKellen to do this?? How much was he paid

“Cross paws” no stop

Why is Gus singing his own song please don’t

Munk’s face bugs me for some reason

His song always makes me cry for some reason but this is kind of goofy and cute and I love it

Misto in the background is just strange for me

Is he forgetting the words sometimes and mumbling to fill in because goodness

Misto’s so eager to please what a bottom

“Macavityyy” I hate it

Munk starting Skimble’s song has the same energy as Tugger doing Misto’s songs

I’m glad they’ve kept this song the same as it was

Skimble is SO gay oh my god what a classic twink

Oooh I like this addition of the train getting started via tap

I’m actually really liking this rendition and the tap dancing on the the rails

Though the tap continuing when no one is tapping or the rhythm being wrong is uh not good

Such an iconic song and I love the changes in scene

Oh skimble that note was not good

WAIT OKAY THAT WAS MACAVITY’S DOING WITH THE LEVITATION

Oh hi Taylor Swift

Use more breath. Stop doing the pop voice thing. Stop it.

Is Bombi a drug dealer

MISTO BEING TWEAKED ON DRUGS IS THE FUNNIEST GODDAMN THING IVE EVER SEEN IN THIS LIFE

I can say though that what they’ve done to the song is exactly the vibes it needed. Sultry and pushing the boundaries.

Sad there’s not a Demeter.

SORRY MUNK WHAT WAS THAT

I actually rewinded to see what happened there with the martini glass

OKAY MAN NEEDS TO BE TOPPED OH MY GOD

“Green house glass is broken” was changed and that makes me sad

This was a good song for Taylor to show off her vocal prowess but she just didn’t

Why is Macavity naked

Why is he singing his own damn song

PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON

Munk you’re still tweaking out a little

Oh here’s the sleeping orgy

What’s with this drama now with the choice thing

We don’t have Munk’s fight with Macavity. Robbed

VICTORIA YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE TO GET MISTO OUT THERE. IT HAS TO BE TUGGER

If there are no 23 spins, I’ll throw my phone

Munk that’s gay and I’m here for it. Encourage your twink Misto

“Please don’t make me do this” has phantom vibes

Munk that was a lusty look

Where’s the “ooh ahs”

This is weird without Tugger singing it and being an ego for Misto

Tugger come on. Please save this number.

Victoria I swear to god I will beat you

Why do they have one person on the melody in this. And Derulo going through the stratosphere

WHERE IS THE DANCING >:(

That trombone is playing absolutely nothing in the music at all

DON’T YOU DARE KISS HER

oh here’s the fight music

WHY DID WE UNZIP SKIN AGAIN

oh they used the fight music for the escaping of cats

How much longer is there

Oh there’s the daylight reprise thing

I want to die

To the sun, Vic. To the sun.

Munk, Tugger, be respectful. That’s your mother.

Wait that doesn’t work in this universe because Deut is female.

Oh they gave the Asian cat patterns that resemble tiger stripes hmmmm

Why couldn’t they have just filmed an actual stage version and turned that out

Oh that “smile at the old days” was god awful

How much longer oh god

I’m tired man. I wasted 6 bucks on this

Victoria just stealing Jemima’s parts

“Like a flowER as the dawn is breaking”

Okay here it is

OH COME THROUGH QUEEN. WHOLE FILM IS WORTH THIS CLIMAX

Okay so there are some cats wearing clothes and others not. What are the rules for this universe. Are they naked or are they not.

I have not shed a single tear. Usually I have by now from this show. Not a single tear.

Deut X Grizz is still my favorite ship

Is that the intro to Til I Hear You Sing that I hear. Those F to Gm chords Lloyd Webber loves.

Judi Dench stop trying to sing for the love of god.

Ah yes show off that beautiful ballet dancer that plays Vic

Aww Munk bowing to Grizz

Oh so it’s a chandelier this time and not a tire

Where’d Macavity and Bombi go

Oh there he is. What a child. Hate that.

BUSTOPHER CONFIRMED A GAY ICON

Deut being a proud mother to Munk is cute with the hands on the shoulder

Why are we reprising the first song

Also Air balloon.

WHY ARE YOU STARING AT ME JUDI DENCH

why are they all staring so intently at her too wait

Munk looks like someone is touching him inappropriately this whole scene.

Munk and Misto looking at each other

MUNK STOPPPP JESUS CHRIST DO YOU NEED TO BE REMOVED FROM THE SITUATION

The choreography doesn’t even match the beat of the song. Huh???

Misto you’re gay stop

Munk and Misto looking at each other and the shy glances away

So Grizz gets hot air balloned to death is that what I’m seeing

Oh it’s over okay

I want to cry.

It’s not as bad as I heard. Once you got used to the way things looked and just let things happen and say it might as well happen, it became a bit more enjoyable.

It’s still god awful though and let’s pray the furries never get ahold of it.

[enthusiasticmusicalquotes]

QUESTION OF THE DAY #6: Send me your most unpopular theatre opinion. Something that might make someone want to fight you. Please don’t be offensive (racist, misogynistic, etc.), but other than that…go as hard as you want. Spill all the tea.

MY ANSWERS: 1) The Pretty Woman score fucking slaps idek, 2) Come From Away (or even Bandstand...) should’ve won the 2017 Best Musical Tony, 3) I prefer the West End Heathers cast album to Off Broadway, 4) Shows shouldn’t sweep the Tonys just because they’re Best Musical worthy...shows that aren’t too critically acclaimed but have really impressive elements should get recognition too.

SUMMARY: Out of 37 responses: 5 were about Dear Evan Hansen, 3 were about Hamilton specifically, 2 were about: Rent, ALW, Wicked, In The Heights, Be More Chill, etc. etc....if your favorite musical is one of these and you get easily offended i wouldn’t read these.

NOTE: I agree with some of these, I highly disagree with others. I do not endorse any of the things that were said, I am simply sharing them with you all. These were what was sent to me. I’m going to number them so if you want to complain about or agree with one you can send me an ask with the number you’re referring to. 

1. howmuchchildrens said: unpopular opinion: i really liked the 2012 version of les mis. i liked russel crowe as javert.

2. Anonymous said: Unpopular opinion: Bootlegs harm to local theatre communities, though I do not believe anyone intends for that to be the case. While it's possible to bootleg responsibly (and I might even say it's beneficial to do so), those who may not know the intricacies of theatrical copyright law or who haven't heard the horror stories from a theatre that's been hit with legal action DUE to a bootleg may record or watch a show irresponsibly, which can greatly harm other routes of theatre accessibility.

3. Anonymous said: Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals are mostly terrible. He only got and stayed popular because a lot of other musical creators and taste makers died in the AIDS epidemic

4. Anonymous said: Almost all musicals using the songs of one artist are cash grabs with no plot or point.

5. Anonymous said: If your musical only has 1 woman OR the women only get sad/romantic songs you need to do something else with your life.

6. nerdshrimp said: Unpopular opinion: Next To Normal does a better job of portraying the effects of mental illness than Dear Evan Hansen does. N2N also doesn't romanticise mental illness & excuse shitty behavior like DEH tries to

7. Anonymous said: Hadestown is a lesser show on Broadway. I fell in love with the live album, and I was so excited for it to come to Broadway. I was so disappointed to see the changes they made. Orpheus and Eurydice's relationship is less interesting and more generic. The changed lyrics are often sloppy and not as good as the original. They fucking wrecked Epic III. Also, no hate to R/ee/ve, but he's just not a good enough singer to convince me that he could soften the heart of Hades. His high notes are awful.

8. Anonymous said: opinion: we are the tigers deserves a broadway run or at least a proshot

9. bimystique said: e/c is NOT A GOOD FUCKING SHIP. the ENTIRE PLOT OF PHANTOM OF THE OPERA is christine trying to escape erik's abuse. WHAT FUCKING PART OF THAT IS ROMANTIC TO YOU PEOPLE.

10. Anonymous said: unpopular theatre opinion(s): Dear Evan Hansen is Very Bad for its handling of mental illness, Hamilton is overrated and praised too much, and high school/college musical theatre programs can be just as good as Broadway. (also, musical movies would be better if they hired broadway actors, but that's not an unpopular opinion)

11. Anonymous said: I don’t like Lin Manuel Miranda and Hamilton is overrated

12. Anonymous said: I don’t like dear Evan Hansen..... at all. I think it’s kind of boring and really overhyped.

13. Anonymous said: unpopular opinion: in the heights is far better than Hamilton. both are good but ith hits different yknow

14. Anonymous said: The bring it on and legally blonde musicals are BAD! The movies are 100 times better

15. Anonymous said: unpopular opinion? wicked is the epitome of white feminism. it's preached as super great for representation but we literally got the first black glinda in 2019?!?!?!? and before that woc could only play elphaba who's villainized and deemed evil by the whole city

16. Anonymous said: Not so much an opinion as a reaction, but of all Lin's works (ITH, Bring it On, 21 Chump Street, Hamilton), 21 Chump Street gets the biggest emotional reaction of all the cast recordings. The second Justin is like "I don't want your money" (And then later on with the "...what the heck did you.... dooooo", I am a complete goner. Worse than Abuela Claudia and Philip Hamilton's deaths combined

17. Anonymous said: Whenever Je.ssie Mu.eller hits certain notes, she sounds like Tommy Pickles from Rugrats.

18. Anonymous said: aotd6: not everyone knows what im talking about, but the cats 2016 broadway revival choreography was WAYYYY better than the original. the original had a lot of creepy uncomfortable moments and the new one looks way cleaner and up to date

19. Anonymous said: raoul is better than the phantom in every conceivable way

20. Anonymous said: I hate Anastasia so much. it's such a boring show and the music is uninteresting. I wanted to like it so bad but GOD is it boring.

21. Anonymous said: In the Heights.... Overrated.

22. Anonymous said: I do not know if this is an unpopular opinion or not, but here is my opinion: Musicals that are entirely or nearly entirely songs (Hamilton, Hadestown, In The Heights, etc) are the most valid bc I can understand the plot without using wikipedia (I'm looking at you, Jagged Little Pill, I love you but what is your plot????)

23. Anonymous said: I'd rather have a bad film adaptation than no film adaptation

24. Anonymous said: Rent sucks and while it was a stepping stone for more ""controversial"" topics to appear on Broadway it's actually biphobic and features several generally terrible people doing generally terrible things and doesn't actually address the real crisis at all; it's all performative wokeness. The only real good it did was cast a bunch of "nobodies" for the time and make theater somewhat more accessible.

25. stardust-and-seas said: Dear Evan Hansen doesn't properly address mental health despite being about mental health and resolves nobodies character arcs satisfactorily. It's another show that reaches its hands around the throats of marginalized teenagers saying "look I'm relatable!!" The songs taken out of context are significantly more powerful than when placed in the context of the show, which gives us exactly zero evidence of Evan's work to improve and also never resolves Evan's u healthy goals in the first place.

26. stardust-and-seas said: Be More Chill is a raging dumpster fire and the only decent song from it, Michael in the Bathroom, reads as a whiny rich white boy whose potential social anxiety and depression is left ambiguous, which is exactly what it is. When taken out of context it better exemplifies the othering that happens to marginalized groups but lets be real here: bullying/cliques don't happen to "just anyone"; it's the marginalized groups that are othered and abandoned for not being "normal"

27. stardust-and-seas said: There's a difference between shows that don't take themselves seriously because they're meant to be fun and light and shows that pretend not to take themselves too seriously but want to be taken seriously by the audience and the latter always ends up mediocre at best

28. redueka said: i think that dear evan hansen handles every issue it presents badly. i also think that beetlejuice was badly directed

29. Anonymous said: Well I don’t EVER condone cheating, I’m team Jamie in the last five years. He tried so hard to make their relationship and life good, and Cathy gave him nothing in return

30. youcanlolyoucansayohwell said: The answer of the day- I don't get the BMC hype. I'm out of the age bracket it's meant for that might it be. I enjoy it but I don't think it's the greatest thing in the world like some theatre fans do.

31. Anonymous said: i like the rent 2005 recording better than the obcr

32. Anonymous said: unpopular opinion ? : the music of wicked just like isn’t that good. like it’s good but it’s not like, Good, yknow. it’s pretty standard it doesn’t stand out to me. kinda boring

33. Anonymous said: mari.ah r.ose fa.ith is not a good regina george. everything she says sounds monotonous and while i understand she's trying to play off the ""whatever"" teenager (she does this a lot with her teenage characters), 90% of the time she sounds and looks like she doesn't want to be there; her voice is great but most songs feel unnatural and forced and she changes them too much. she's just not selling regina to me as a believable character (this is all from a technical point of view)

34. Anonymous said: Unpopular Opinion: as much as i like musicals based on movies (like waitress), i think not every movie needs to be a musical.

35. Anonymous said: Unpopular opinion (?) the emojiland musical Kinda Slaps

36. Anonymous said: as one of my high school tech theatre teachers once said: "Andrew Lloyd Webber is overrated"

37. Anonymous said: sorry to whoever likes it but Seussical is an absolutely nonsense crackpot plot disguised with okay-to-good music, like I don't even know where to start. I was in the show and didn't even know there was an entire secondary plot line featuring sending children to war until we were halfway through rehearsals

[whenemmafallsinlove]

we all know cats is a weird musical. in general, musicals are fairly divisive (people tend to either love or hate them) but even within that very community, i’ve noticed cats tends to be polarizing. personally, i love musicals, and had simply chosen never to watch or listen to cats. i’m a big fan of andrew lloyd webber’s phantom of the opera, as well as joseph and the technicolor dreamcoat. but what i knew about cats, i guess something in me just told me to wait.

personally, i’m glad i did. i’m sure there are plenty of fans of the original broadway musical that won’t enjoy the movie’s take on it, just as i’m sure there are many that will. for me, it was an incredibly enjoyable and endearing experience.

yes, it was a weird movie. but we all knew it would be, based on the fact that it was a weird musical. but is it so bad for something to be weird every now and then?

as far as the cast goes, i truly enjoyed everyone’s take on their character. francesca hayward was extremely sweet and innocent. i’d never really listened to jennifer hudson’s music before but goddamn that girl has vibrato. idris elba was a delightfully creepy macavity, and taylor swift as his cunning sidekick just hit the spot in my swiftie heart.

the choreography was beautiful. the set was endlessly fascinating and i found myself longing to explore it personally during the film. the vocals were fantastic and it felt a little extra-special knowing they were live, not dubbed in (not that there’s anything wrong with dubbing). and i’ll say it: the fur technology was cool. yeah, it looked weird. human cats are going to look weird! that’s...literally the reality of the musical, and quite frankly, part of its beauty. many complain about cats’ lack of a plot but i’d argue that part of the beauty of its plotless design is that it allows the viewer to enjoy more thoroughly all the other details in the film that perhaps may have been otherwise masked.

[onthepyre]

cats

the second part of this is basically what i did last night but connor is a lot braver than me. anyway.

Evan does this at least once a week.

He gets home, and for whatever reason, whether it be the smile Connor gave him during lunch that lasted a bit too long or that romantic-looking restaurant he walked by on the way home, he's feeling sappy.  And he walks straight to his room, lays down on the floor, and listens to Cavetown.

The amount of time Evan spends on the floor is directly proportional to how many times he caught Connor looking at him during science class. Sometimes he counts; the record so far is 23 times in one class period. He spent two hours on the floor that day, staring at the ceiling.  

As soon as he's home, he's settled on his carpet with the soft sounds of a guitar playing in his headphones.  It's peaceful, quiet. There are only a few things that Evan thinks about, and number one on his list is how much better it would be if Connor was here.

His heart talks about Connor a lot.  His mind objects, but Evan's heart seems to beat with his name.  Connor Murphy Connor Murphy Connor Murphy.  Evan never gets tired of it.  His heart talks about Connor's hair, his eyes, his smile, his hands-

Don't get him started on Connor's hands.

Evan has watched Connor draw before.  The style of his art matches him well.  It's sharp, fast, messy, perfect. But when he's drawing, Evan watches Connor's hands rather than the piece. 

They're fluid.  They glide.

Connor Murphy does not glide.  He stomps, he runs, he marches, but he does not glide.  But when he's drawing, his hands float. They look the same, as angular as Connor himself, but they're different.  Softer. Evan figures Connor's face is the same, but he's always been too focused to look.

Evan often considers what Connor's hands feel like.  They look strong, but Evan is certain they're lighter than they seem.  He wonders what it would be like to hold Connor's hand. Is he one of those people that would hang on too tight?  Would he barely touch Evan's hand? Would he be grossed out by Evan's sweaty palms?

Evan also, more tentatively, thinks about Connor's hands on his face.  In his hair. Looped around his waist. These thoughts, of course, are more focused on where Connor's mouth would be at the moment, but there is attention to his hands then, too.

And Connor's mouth.  Of course. His lips are always chapped and often bleeding because Connor picks at them when he gets bored and Evan knows this because he stares at Connor during French class and he knows Connor hates French.  Connor bites his lips a lot, too. It isn't meant to be nearly as swoon-worthy as it makes Evan feel, but it nearly breaks him every time Connor chews on his lip. Evan's fairly certain this is something he does when he's bored, too, although it might be a nervous habit.

Connor has a lot of nervous habits, from what Evan's seen.  He spins his pen, taps his foot, braids little strands of his hair — the list goes on.  Evan knows each and every one of them.

—— 

Connor has his own sort of ritual.  After begging Zoe to stop at Tim Hortons so they could get coffee, he sits at the window in the den and watches Law & Order SVU.  He had never seen it until Zoe showed him the John Mulaney bit about Ice-T and now he's addicted. It's a problem.

Unbeknownst to either, Connor's SVU marathons are the equivalent of Evan's Cavetown sessions.  Evan thinks about Connor and Connor thinks about Ice-T. And Evan. Mostly Evan. 

Connor has a thing for the way Evan talks.  He knows that Evan himself hates it and most of the school thinks he's annoying, but Connor thinks it's adorable.

Evan has to say exactly what he wants to say, and if he messes it up, he will start over.  He messes up a lot.  It doesn't help that sometimes his tongue catches on words and he gets stuck on a certain sound and has to go back to the beginning of the sentence.  It takes active listening to understand what he's saying but it makes Connor melt.

That's the thing that makes Connor think so hard.  He's supposed to be the mopey badass, the scary emo, the aloof rebel-without-a-cause.  He has a reputation to uphold, even if it's less punk and more school shooter (okay, less punk and more sad).  He may be openly bisexual, yes, but he shouldn't be falling for a tiny tree-obsessed nerd.  

And the fact that Evan of all people is the one his heart decided on is, well, bad.  Connor's too worried that Evan isn't into him to do anything other than stare and Evan can't take a fucking hint.  Connor may think his cluelessness is cute, but it's also really inconvenient.  Connor thinks a lot of things about Evan are cute but inconvenient.

Evan is really, really good at accidentally blocking people's paths and then moving out of the way at the same time the other person does, thus blocking them again.  Evan hates it and Connor thinks it's funny. If it goes on for long enough, Evan starts blushing, and Connor starts falling apart.

And oh my god, when Evan blushes.  It's not like it's uncommon, Evan is both awkward and incredibly aware of it, but Connor still thinks it's adorable.  It brings out his freckles and colors the tops of his ears pink. If Evan is especially embarrassed, he'll try to hide in his hands, but his fingertips are always tinged with the same rose-colored mortification. 

Connor's thoughts drift as he pulls out his phone and scrolls through instagram, but Evan is still there in the back of his mind.  He's always there, no matter what Connor is doing. He spots Evan in the shadows created by the trees in the backyard; sees Evan's worried smile on his mother's face; catches himself doodling Evan's silhouette in the background of drawings. Evan, Evan, Evan.

Connor's phone buzzes in his hand as he scrolls past a collection of Bee Movie memes.  He opens the message, noting it's from Evan.

hhey

He's still typing, but Connor replies anyway.

whats up

The typing bubble disappears for a moment, then pops back up

what r u duing

Connor takes a moment to grin at the misspelling before he responds.

watching svu

do u eanna come see cats with ne 

uhh?? no but absolutely yes im coming, what time

theres a show jn half an hour 

cool see you then

Connor tucks his phone into his pocket and pulls his hands through his hair.  He's going on a date. With Evan. But it's not a date, his mind says.  Connor ignores it.

He's out the door in no time, stopping only to grab a half-eaten bag of twix and shove it in the pocket of his hoodie.  

——

Evan arrives at the theater before Connor does, and sits down next to a claw machine after buying his ticket.  He thinks about texting Connor, but his energy for starting conversations is nearly gone — he barely stuttered his way through asking for a medium popcorn, so he's decided to recharge for a bit while he waits for Connor.

Connor bursts through the door a few minutes later, then stops to look around.  He breaks into a smile when he spots Evan, who lifts his hand in a tired wave. Evan watches Connor talk to the woman at the ticket booth, then the man at the concession stand.  He approaches Evan with a bag of Sprees in his hand.  

"Hey," he says.

"Hi."

"I know Sprees are the worst, but they're the only food that seems to last past the previews, so."  Evan nods, trying to hide the already partially eaten bag of popcorn sitting next to him. "Well, shall we?" Connor reaches down to pull Evan up from the bench.  Evan smiles as thanks, but Connor doesn't let go of his hand. His mind moves at the speed of light, even though there are only two thoughts in his head: Connor Connor Connor and hand.

Connor holds onto him all the way to the screening room, where he tugs Evan into the back row.  He drops Evan's hand as they sit. Connor drops the Sprees into the cupholder on his left and pulls out the Twix, which he starts inhaling immediately.

When the movie starts, there's only one other person in the room: an old man in the front row, who Connor insists is Andrew Lloyd Webber himself, and it's not an issue if they talk because Webber started this whole fiasco and deserves to hear their "critiques."  

The moment the first cat appears on the screen, Connor is laughing.  "Why does she have boobs?" he whispers.  

"Connor!" 

"If they're going to give her boobs, she should have six, not two."

"Connor, talk quieter!"

"Are we supposed to be attracted to the cats?"

Defeated, Evan drops his face into his hands while Connor cackles next to him.  

They make it to Rum-Tum-Tugger without any other mishaps, but as soon as the new cat starts singing, Connor loses it again.  

"Why is he wearing a fur coat?  That's terrifying!"

"What?" 

"You'd be scared if you saw someone wearing a coat made of skin."  Evan looks over at him with a desperate expression on his face.

"Connor, please," he begs, "let's just… let's appreciate cat Jason Derulo."

Connor nods, still wheezing, and calms down a bit.  Until cat Jason Derulo whips off his fur coat in a display of his cat muscles.

Connor drops his head onto Evan's shoulder.  "I can't do this," he says through a fit of giggles.  

But Evan is more focused on the fact that Connor's head is on his shoulder oh my god.  And Evan hears Connor's foot tap, tap, tapping on the floor.  Nervous habit. And once again, Connor's hand finds his. 

"Gotta ground myself.  Make sure we're not dead, y'know."  So Evan, with as much bravery as he can muster, squeezes Connor's hand.  And Connor squeezes back.

But Connor doesn't move.  He stays there, his head on Evan's shoulder, his hand in Evan's hand.  And Evan can't focus on the movie anymore. He eventually picks his head up to laugh at Mr. Mistoffelees, but Connor hangs onto Evan's hand for the rest of the movie.  He's soft, softer than Evan expected, and evidently doesn't mind his sweaty palms, so Evan doesn't complain.

As the credits roll, Evan gathers the bits of courage he has left and look over at Connor.  "Is, uh, was this, like a date? Or did I, um, completely misinterpret what's- did I misunderstand this? B-because-"

Connor cuts him off.  "Do you want this to be a date?" He's quiet, much quieter than normal.

Evan's voice is even smaller when he answers.  "Um. Yeah." He stares down at his free hand, trying to avoid the one Connor still has a firm grip on.

"Great.  Then it was a date."  Evan can hear the smile in Connor's voice.  He looks up, and Connor is beaming, and Evan can hear his foot tapping the floor again.  And Connor's hand is on his jaw and Evan is leaning forward and their lips are pressed together.

It's different than Evan had imagined.  Slower. Gentler. But he's kissing Connor Murphy and Connor Murphy is kissing him back.

Evan is the first to pull away.  He knows his face is a bright shade of pink, but he doesn't really care.  His phone buzzes in his pocket.

"Oh, uh, my mom's here."  He thinks he sees Connor's face fall for half a second, but he isn't sure. 

"Oh.  Alright.  See you soon."  

Evan leans over and pecks his cheek.  "Thanks."

[dextervexter]

god it really wasn’t as bad as it could have been but it certainly wasn’t the best. I will say it was definitely no where near as horny as everyone is making it out to be.

so first of all, I’m opening with I’m not gonna talk about the ENTIRE movie but just some parts of it but there will definitely be spoilers

I was right about a LOT of stuff going in, like Macavity whisking away a lot of the contenders for rebirth so he could be chosen. I was also right about Taylor Swift not being in the movie for more than five minutes, I was right about Tugger not having a massive role, I was right about Grizabella being given a past with Macavity, and I was right about the dancing being fuckin bad

I was also unfortunately right about Jenny eating her cockroaches and I literally could not look at the screen during her whole number I was so upset I felt so trapped The Gumbie Cat Number Is A Fucking Hostage Situation 

H o w e v e r -wheeze-

Over all, it was Cats. It was a really REALLY weird take on Cats, but it was consistent with the stage play save for some changes with characters and pacing. Hooper clearly watched multiple versions of the play to try and get the vision he liked the best. He understood that this would be difficult, and he did what he could to try and get this weird ass musical on screen. There are parts of it I liked, there are parts of it I didn’t care for, and there were parts I astral projected to get away from. But if you go see this movie, you will be seeing Cats as it was when it first arrive on Westend in 1981. Original arrangements of the songs are used as well, for example, Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer  is sung as the jazzy and insidious number from the OLC rather than the bouncy and fun 98 version. I don’t think it’s awful but it’s definitely not what younger fans are familiar with. 

I think the only issue with the musical arrangements I have was the singing because Hooper once again insisted on having everyone sing live and it really hinders a lot of talented people. Often times I found myself wondering if these people were capable of singing in the slightest. But I think that’s just bad choices on Hooper’s part.

Let’s talk about the Good:

The best part of the film is definitely Skimbleshanks, and not just because he fucks and later kills a man with his supreme tap skills. The visuals are great, this is the only part with actual good dancing, and Steven Macrea has fantastic energy. Skimbleshanks is already one of my favorite numbers in the stage musical, and they get pretty creative with this. It was one of the moments in the movie where I could say for sure I was REALLY having a good time.

Also Les Twins were absolutely a treat to watch. They were funny, talented, clearly having a ton of fun, and played off each other as though they weren’t in a movie, they were just goofing around like real siblings do. I found myself actually missing them when they weren’t on screen

Robbie Fairchild does a decent Munkustrap and has some fun exchanges with the other characters. I also thought Jason Derulo did a wonderful job as Tugger despite not being in the film a lot. He’s self centered, clearly caught up in his own world, and is so obsessed with himself he doesn’t really flirt with anyone or focus a lot on Victoria for too long because he’s just so in love with himself and what he wants. And honestly that is basically just tugger.

The visuals are also really nice. The sets and practical effects help the movie feel more real and bring a great sense of life to this world that is happening right under the human one. The whole movie has this lovely, dream like quality to it, and it helped remind everyone we weren’t supposed to take it so seriously. 

There were also a moment with Munkustrap that I thought was really cute, where Jenny complains she’s just as good as Tugger because she can break dance too. You hear Munkustrap chuckle and say “oh yeah? show me.” in a really playful way and it was adorable, even if it resulted in me seeing Rebel Wilson pop and lock,

Lastly, and this is a big one I know a lot of fans were angry about: Misto is implied to like victoria, but it’s never stated that they end up together. Actually a lot of their interactions can be interpreted as Just Friends Being Pals. It’s definitely not as big of a problem as a lot of people were making it out to be, but it’s just not interesting and doesn’t really matter to the plot.

I liked more of it than I was expecting, especially the little shout outs to Eliot’s original drafts of the poems. I’m seeing it again tomorrow with friends so I’ll probably post more about the things I missed (i seriously missed a lot of the gumbie cat number because i was too horrified to look so maybe i will be braver this time)

NOW THE BAD!!!

This is literally the worst fucking Macavity ever and Idris Elba had every right to be as piss drunk as he was at the premier. In fact I’m pretty sure he was drunk for a majority of the film. It’s very clear he is not having a good time, he is not enjoying the story, and he doesn’t want to be there. Granted, I’m willing to place a lot of the blame on Hooper’s take on the story, which required Macavity to be a greater presence, but a lot of what we see is a clowning, pathetic, loser who is throwing a tantrum because he isn’t getting his way and he’s very very naked for most of it. His last moments in the film were so laughable, so embarrassing, and so unbelievably desperate that I could barely watch. There is no dignity in Elba’s performance, and nothing mysterious or threatening about him. It’s not just 2019 Macavity that hurts this movie though, it’s how Macavity changes a massive part of the story with his nonsense, but I’m saving that for last because it’s a big one and I hate it!

Victoria is basically really bland. There was absolutely no reason to try and make this from her perspective. Like Webber and Hooper say they wanted her to serve as the character we see the world through but she’s bland, uninteresting, and just very boring. I understand their reasoning for making her the lead, as Victoria is a very recognizable character and easy to follow in dark lighting and crowded dancing, but she just simply exists to stare in wonder and ask questions that are answered in songs that she will stare in wonder over. If they wanted to have the audience experience the world through a character they probably should have gone with Munkustrap or something considering he’s narrating a majority of the film and knows what’s going on and can explain things a little better. He’s also a stronger character. Victoria is boasted to be this strong but shy little thing who approaches this new world with curiosity and hope and she’s really not. She doesn’t really get the chance to do or say anything that would help with the plot. she barely speaks to anyone but munk or misto, and it is very much a downgrade from her stage counterpart. Frankie Hayward is a very pretty dancer, but she’s not given much to work with and I found myself not caring in the slightest what she was up to.

This also leads into Beautiful Ghosts, which I posted about before so I’ll just leave this here and move on because I’ve said all I can say and I have more important things to talk about regarding Grizabella. to summarize, I was right and the song sucked.

The dancing is lamentable mess as well. God I sometimes forgot they were dancing. They are moving, but it’s not dancing. I would say only Les Twins and Jaih Bote were the clear dancers because they were pretty much the only ones allowed to put their own personal spins on the choreography. I’ve said it so many times and I will say it again Andy Blankenbluer is a fucking awful choreographer. His work is claustrophobic and ugly to look at. You lose the person in the movement but in the sense that you really don’t care if you see them again. Blankenbluer has stated so many times he feels as though audiences don’t have the attention spans for long dances sequences anymore and want more than one thing to see, but for the love of god could you give us something to look at? The dances are quick, ugly, and the moves are put down before they can make a good impression. He has no understanding of how to define a character through movement, which makes telling everyone apart very difficult, especially since the designs are already so unrecognizale. His work was  atrocious in the 2016 Cats Revival, but at least he had Gillian Lynne’s original choreography to lean on. Without the backing of better choreographers, his work is downright forgettable. 

Now the Big One, the inexcusable and awful part that I hate hate hate: Grizabella.

God I was rooting for her we were all rooting for her. Remember how in the 98 film she’s this broken down, cast aside, character barely hanging by a thread? Yeah in this she not only is given a throw away past where she chooses to side with Macavity for some unknown reason, but she’s chosen as a last resort. Yeah. Remember how I said Macavity’s plot paves the way for the mishandling of a beloved and tragic character. This is it. After Macavity steals literally everyone who is competing for rebirth, after Old D is returned, the Jellicles realize they have no one to choose from for rebirth. Victoria goes outside, brings Grizabella in, they sing memory, and she gets chosen. It is framed in a way that the cats all realize how badly she has it, but oh my god does it come off as heartless, careless and pis aller. Old D has no interaction with Grizabella until this point. The Jellicles don’t really interact with her unless to shoo her away. She is basically a background character for the whole movie. Giving her a past with Macavity was pointless. It never comes up. Macavity never sees her in the film. It’s never stated why she chose him or what she did with him. There is not a shred of dignity in Hudson’s performance, and I fully attribute that to Hooper making all his actors sing on set. Grizabella comes off as pitiable, but not enough to want to see her be reborn. It was downright heartless.

OVERALL!!

I give this movie a 6/10 stars. When they are doing Cats, it’s pretty enjoyable. Not everything I wanted, and some things I genuinely didn’t fucking ask for, but overall it is not as big of a problem as I thought it was going to be. I think if you’re apprehensive or angry about the film, I think you should give it a watch and you’ll either like it or you won’t. 

you should definitely not expect the 98 version, because no version will ever be that perfect, but go in with an open mind and give it a chance. 

[themosleyreview]

The Mosley Review: Worst Films of 2019

Well 2019 has delivered some of the most disappointing, ugly and just downright disgraceful films I've ever seen. With 2020 on the rise, I can marvel at the fact that I wasn't the only one of the cats that fought his way through hell to get through this year. On an international scale, I believe a phoenix swept over the film industry and became the terminator of many franchises. Like you all, I survived this dark year in film and it is with great pleasure that I bring you the list of what films to avoid like a hungry lion looking for his next meal. So lets see who is the king of my list of the worst films of 2019. If you would like to see the full review, then click on the titles of each film. The first film on my list just hurts.

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker: It is with a heavy heart that I had to put this film on my list. Star Wars has always been apart of my life and apart of my soul. At any given time, you can find me playing a Star Wars game, watching any of the movies or even revisiting The Clone Wars series. As much as I wanted to love this film, there is just no denying that this was just the worst film the franchise has ever seen. There are some truly amazing and fun sequences and a great lightsaber fight, but that all doesn't matter when your core story is too busy negating, betraying and apologizing for past films that tried to expand and do something new. All of the new and old philosophies were completely destroyed by conveniences of stuff just happening and lazy writing. As for a trilogy, it was a unplanned, unfocused and perfect example of how not to tell a story ark. It hurts my ever loving Star Wars soul, but this was the worst of the franchise and just a massive disappointment.

Terminator: Dark Fate: I love and hate this franchise. I love that they keep trying to make a good film without the creator James Cameron at the helm, but I hate that they are staying modern day. Now with the risk of erasing everything after T2: Judgement Day, there was a chance to do something right. Well after the opening scene, the door was flung right open for an interesting path and it ultimately failed. This film followed the same mistakes of being heavy on big action sequences and less on heart and character development where it was needed. It was great to see Linda Hamilton and Arnold Schwarzenegger back together again and they had an awesome villain to battle, but I just thought this film was just meh all the way through. This was the last chance for the franchise and they blew it.

Captain Marvel: Well not all of them can be winners. The Marvel Studios brand is one of the most trusted brands in the industry and they have earned it. Almost every entry in their series of films have ranged from classic to alright. This film on the other hand was just a waste of a potentially great origin story for one of their most iconic female characters. I honestly could not connect to the main character enough for me to care. She had no real weakness in the film and no vulnerability. Yeah sure she's only known the life of a soldier, but that doesn't mean she isn't human. The storytelling in the film was all over the place with some stupid decisions and there just wasn't enough substance. A character with a snarky attitude and no regard for anyone else doesn't make for a good hero or a origin you want to study more about.

The Lion King: Double dipping doesn't always work and this was the prime example of that. I love the original animated classic and I think it truly is my favorite animated Disney film. I didn't go into this film judging it against the original because that would just be dumb and unfair. It is undeniable that this film is a technical achievement, but that was about it. The voice acting was a serious mixed bag. The child actors for Simba and Nala, Timon and Pumba and Zazu were truly the highlights, but the adult versions of Simba and Nala were flat and purely directed. Shot for shot remakes are not a good idea and this was that. If you diverted a little more from the source material, then this would've been an interesting remake. Listen up Disney, don't do this again.

Dark Phoenix: Oh man. The X-Men film franchise has truly seen some better days. We can all agree that this film franchise really had no since of continuity or an idea of where it wanted to end. Well with a reboot mid stream, I knew eventually there would be another attempt at the Phoenix Saga. Once again they've missed the X on the spot. The fact that this was the last film in the franchise that started in 2000, is truly a relief. We've had some amazing films, but this was by the far the worst of them all. Goodbye X-Men. I'll always have Logan in my heart.

Cats: I mean. Is there really anything else I can say about this insanely bizarre film? I had seen the Broadway version of the show on DVD a few years back and I could't understand it. The film made it better, but I couldn't get over the horrific nature of the CGI cat fur on the acts. It ranged from weird to “What in heavens name did you do to Jennifer Hudson?”. I know it was Andrew Lloyd Webber’s vision and probably director Tom Hooper's dream picture, but this was just too strange to be adapted to film. Not even the star power behind the film could save it. If an example of why certain shows work best for the stage was needed, then look no further than this atrocity.

Hellboy: Why was this rebooted? Oh yeah that's right. The studio didn't want to complete Guillermo Del Toro's superior vision of what Hellboy 3 would've been. Let me be clear, I gave this film a chance to show me a new, darker and more violent version of the iconic badass. What I got was a violent, darker, noisy and whiny little bitch of a character. I love David Harbour, but he was really dealt a terrible hand and I think he knows that. There are some awesome visuals and a great fight scene with big trolls, but after the first 15 minutes the film just dissolves into a horrible mess of a film. I didn't care by the film's last 10 minutes as we retread the same themes of the first iteration of the character. Thank God there isn't gonna be a sequel to this trash.

And now we’ve arrived at the last film I hated. The crowning turd of 2019, is none other than...

Men In Black: International: Where do I even start with this abomination. I loved the original and third MIB film. It wasn't a great trilogy, but it was consistent. The character Agent J earned his place among the MIB and the chemistry between him and Agent K was a perfect example of how to do a buddy cop film in the sci fi comedy genre. This film ignored all of that and focused strictly on the comedy and just never took itself seriously. The main character Agent M, had an interesting beginning and 5 seconds after she finds the MIB, they give her everything. She didn't earn anything which made her immediately boring and unnecessary. Chris Hemsworth is a great actor and he has great comedic timing, but this was the most obnoxious and unlikeable character he's ever played. This film had no heart, no real stakes or even an idea of what the story wanted to be. Like I said in my review, this film franchise should've stayed dead after Men In Black 3.

That's all folks and thank the heavens. These were the worst films of 2019 and I say this every year, but I really hope I'm right. Let's hope 2020 has a shorter list of worst films.