#i hate being on my period and having epilepsy at the same time

[cripplecharacters]

I searched your blog and didn't find this, so if it's already been answered I'm sorry!

I'm writing a character who has photosensitive epileptic seizures and I was wondering if you have any tips on describing the experience of having a seizure?

My sister has them so I know what hers look like, but I've never had an epileptic seizure myself. Is it a painful experience? Is it more like fainting? What does the post-ictal phase feel like?

I know seizures can look different for everyone so rest assured this will not be my only source :)

Hello!

You're right that seizures are different for everyone, especially considering how many different types of seizures there are.

My last (Confirmed) seizure was several years ago. I have had some... "episodes" (For lack of a better term) that we're unsure if they were seizures or something else more recently but I'll be answering this with my confirmed seizures in mind.

I has epilepsy as a child and mostly had grand-mal/tonic-clonic seizures from what I've been told. For me, I experienced an aura anywhere from 5-10 minutes before the "main" seizure itself. This aura was usually a strange feeling in my head (Almost a tightness or pressure but feeling very loose as well? It's difficult to explain) with a rubbery taste in my mouth.

I can't say much about when the "main" seizure was actually happening as, for me, I wasn't really aware during it.

As somebody who faints... embarrassingly often, however, I can say confidently that it doesn't feel like fainting (At least for me). With fainting, I can feel myself starting to 'go' (My ears begin to ring and I feel almost like I'm fading out) and then I faint and it feels like I wake up almost instantly, even when it's been several minutes. For my seizures, it felt more like a blurred passage of time. I was an aware to an extent, I think, but not in the way it's usually defined (As being aware of your surroundings), it just wasn't like I was unconscious/asleep.

For me, I hated the postictal period the most. My seizures were usually accompanied by a loss of control over my bladder and would occasionally make me... not throw up, really, but almost spit up a bit. I'd usually wake up feeling incredibly tired and grumpy and usually ended up crying. The crying wasn't tied to any particular feeling, it was more of a physical response. And though I can now acknowledge that it's nothing to be embarrassed about, as a kid it was all pretty humiliating for me.

Just as a side note, my boyfriend also has seizures currently but not from epilepsy. I've been with him during his periods after the seizure before and he usually ends up acting like a kid, for lack of a better term. He cries a lot and is very disoriented but he's also very easily distracted. There have been several occasions where he's played with my keys for a few minutes before he comes back to it. He doesn't experience the same grumpiness and deep exhaustion that I did, though he has said that they make him feel very sleepy.

Although I didn't find the seizures themselves to be painful at all, there were several occasions where I ended up hurting myself during one. Usually this was hitting my head when I fell or during the actual jerking of the seizure but there have been other times when I had bruises or sore muscles afterwards. Given how young I was when I was having these kinds of seizures, I don't fully recall how the sore muscles/injuries felt as they didn't have as much of an impact on me as the seizures themselves.

After a seizure, I'd end up sleeping for anywhere from a couple hours to the rest of the day. I think part of it was the emotional exhaustion of a seizure while another part was the physical.

Now, I did speak a lot about the grand-mal seizures I experienced but I did also (And actually may still) have absence seizures as well.

A few years ago my seizures came back briefly and, despite my neurologist's best efforts, we couldn't figure out why. I'm not entirely sure how to classify them now but I was mostly aware during them and, from what's been described to me, my head was nodding up and down (To the point where it was all the way back), my eyes were rolled up into my head, and my eyelids were fluttering. I didn't experience any of the side-effects of my grand-mal seizures (Ex: Peeing myself, spitting up, crying, etc.) during these and I also don't know if I fell or not because when I had them, I was generally sitting down somewhere.

During these, my vision was flashes of colour/shapes and just generally what you'd expect from having your eyes rolled up and your eyelids fluttering. I was still aware that things were happening around me but I couldn't really process it the same way. I could hear people speaking but couldn't understand what they were saying.

You did mention looking into other sources for this and I'd definitely recommend doing that. These are just my (And, briefly, my boyfriend's) experiences and there are so many different experiences of seizures and epilepsy in general.

Cheers,

~ Mod Icarus

Hi lovely asker!

I have absence seizures and myoclonic ones so I'll add on my two cents as well (Cover more of the seizure spectrum here 😁).

For absence seizures for me its mostly just a complete blank space of time. There's one moment where I'm walking, talking, doing whatever and then the next thing I know I look around and usually like 30-ish seconds has past. If I was having a conversation and the person I'm talking to kept talking, I'm not aware of any of what they said when I was having the seizure. It's kinda like someone turns my brain off for a quick restart and then turns it back on again.

If there is nothing physical around me indicating of a passage of time. (Ex. Someone talking, I looked at the clock right before it happened, any living object that moves around) then I most likely won't know I had the seizure. Sometimes I have a little feeling because I often get headaches leading up to my absence seizures but other than that they're painless and more so there is that panic feeling of losing track of time. I'm usually just disoriented because of that sudden missing frame of time. I'll kinda look around, try to get my bearings, see what happened, if anything's changed etc.

Myoclonic ones really depend on how aggressive they are. They can be big (a whole side of my body will twitch) or itty bitty baby ones (my fingers twitch or I can feel certain muscles twitching). Kinda like with Tonic-Clonic seizures, all the muscles involved will contract on me and it's painful. Often times they're more annoying and frustrating than painful (trying to eat breakfast one time and let's just say my eggs ended up across the room).

They can cause my legs to jerk too which if I'm walking will make me just suddenly fall as my legs give out. Sometimes they can just happen as one, or they can cluster and that means that multiple happen in a row. When they cluster, they're often more painful because my muscles are contracting so many times. If I fall like I mention I often hurt myself because I just completely fall to the ground (not like fainting, I'm conscious and alert and I can move my arms and torso, it's usually just my legs that are the problem.)

Leading up to my myoclonic seizures sometimes I get really really really bad tremors that worsen with movement to the point where If it's my legs then I can't stand or walk (trusty old wheelchair). And if it's my upper body than my hands have very little use to me so things like eating, changing (buttons my enemy), writing, and pressing buttons is very hard to do (also I will add that I just have very clumsy dexterity in general so the tremors certainly don't help but yeah XD)

For all my seizures in general I get very light sensitive afterwards and my lovely doctors and nurses have told me it's because my pupils get completely blown and then constrict and they do this rapidly and it's often paired with nystagmus. So my Post-ictal is usually more just being sore, my head hurts, my eyes are very sensitive and usually the nystagmus is what lingers on the longest.

For tonic-clonic seizures (which I won't go into much because Icarus already did) they're the most painful for me and it usually hurts to move afterwards. I usually start to mumble and can't talk when they're about to happen it's just a lot of "um's" and "uh" and I can't form any words. I start to rub my hands over my body because my skin gets this tingly feeling, and I start to kinda look around frantically because again my anxiety does no help. During the seizure I'm usually in and out of consciousness so it's black and then I'll hear or see something for a split moment and then black again and yeah so on and so forth but I can remember bits and pieces (that I'm conscious for that is). Everything usually sounds really far away like I'm under water and my vision of what I can see is very blurry and there is usually like ten of the same person.

Very rarely i've stopped breathing during my Tonic-Clonic and with those they're usually not as painful (don't ask me why) but they are. Granted that initial struggle to breath again is a bit jarring but in my opinion these are a lot more traumatizing for the people around me than me myself.

Alrighty, hopefully this is of some help lovely person! As Icarus said this varies very wildly person to person and seizure to seizure so yeah. Have fun writing!

~ Mod Virus 🌸

[fishlung8877]

Dr Fetus' Mean Meat Machine is pretty fun!

While not normally the type of game I'd usuallly play, the demo has been pretty fun. It's hard to criticize the gameplay when I lack so much experience with this genre, but I might make a full on review once I play the full game, this is mostly just my first impressions.

TLDR: Fun game! Beware of strobe lights and cartoon blood.

The game operates similar to Puyo Puyo with obstacle dodging mixed in. Line up 4 defective clones in a row to fill up your genetics meters and complete the level. As you fill up meters, more obstacles are added and the difficulty ramps up. Watch out though! Hit an obstacle on your way down and you're forced to start over from the last checkpoint.

The dynamic environments of the levels makes a fun challenge to navigate, but I found some of the obstacles a bit frustrating to navigate. This may just be because I suffer a serious case of skill issue paired with the fact the demo samples a few random levels throughout the entire game. The Super Meat Boy series is known for its uncompromising difficulty, but it would be nice to see a few tweaks in the future.

A+ Ranks make their return, but at the time of writing this I have been unable to beat any of the levels within the time limit (because I suck).

My main complaint with the game is the heavy usage of strobing effects in some parts of the game, mainly the Invincibility indicator and the Tetanus levels' "Murder Orbs." I am not epileptic myself, but I do lean toward the more photophobic side, so playing these levels was rather difficult for me. If you are photosensitive or have epilepsy, it would be a good idea to avoid this game for the time being.

The other main issue involving flashing lights is the Invincibility feature. If you are able to clear clones in a chain, you gain invincibility and are able to place clones as you please for a brief period of time. While this is a fun gameplay feature, the flashing rainbow outline of the clones was a bit hard to look at. Along with that, the indicator of what clone is being rotated is completely removed while invincibility is active. While yeah, you are invincible, it would be nice to know what you're doing.

Overall, it's just a fun, silly game about brutally and unethically murdering clones of your archnemesis! What's not to love about that?

The clone designs are cute and easy to tell apart, the animations are incredible, and every level forces you to play with a different perspective. Overall I feel like this is a welcome addition to the Super Meat Boy universe.

While it's not for everyone, it feels like much more than just a lazy Cash-grab and I appreciate the creative direction! Both Mean Meat Machine and Super Meat Boy Forever have received a lot of backlash for going in different directions with the game, but I'm glad to see that Team Meat is doing more than just reusing the same formulas over and over, and are trying new things.

It's really unfortunate to see the game getting review bombed when the full game isn't even out yet and it's not even Team Meat who's fully responsible for Mean Meat Machine. If you want just "More Super Meat Boy" go play TEIN lol

Besides, Who could hate Dr. Fetus's stupid face?

[marculees]

😷

[chokboo]

[English] My meeting with K-Boo

[Sorry for my bad English, I’m French. I do my best]

All started during a sad period. I had to take exams and I suffered deeply. The reviews literally made me sick and the stress kept increasing. It was not yet known - at the time - that I was autistic and that I suffered from various associated pathologies (anxiety disorder and panic, epilepsy). 

I always felt bad without finding a solution. I wandered the web to change my mind. I was walking from site to site and I was hoping. I wanted to read something new, something great that would ease my pain. And, by total chance, I came across an article about imaginary friends, tulpae and other daemons. It was a revelation. A real revelation. As I am curious by nature and interested in everything out of the ordinary, I am motivated to read as much as possible about it. May be too much? Autism makes me passionate. I was hesitant to bring my own daemon to life. I was already afraid for my mental health and the reaction of my loved ones.

A few months later, I was better. I had my diploma and my diagnosis was in progress. I had my own apartment and I was starting my studies in the faculty of psychology. Then I came across old writings on “His Dark Materials”. I immersed myself in it again. After realizing that daemonism is safe, and that it did not go from a real evil entity, I wanted to bring my daemon to life as quickly as possible, I have been waiting for this moment for so long. K-Boo was born! We exchanged a little. I was shy about talking to this invisible being in my head, like when I was a child. But, in any case, it helped a lot in my healing and gave me some heart balm. His presence and humor played a big part in my recovery.

Today, I love spending time with my daemon. He is by my side on a daily basis, he often appears when I am anxious or when I ask myself a question. He knows how to reassure me and make me laugh. I feel more independent in my stress management thanks to it. He always has the word for me comforted or explaining to me from a concrete and objective point of view of a situation. I have known K-Boo for several years now. I have been communicating with him for about seven years, sometimes with words, sometimes with smiles or simple greetings. You don't necessarily see yourself constantly or even necessarily every day; but it’s part of my life. K-Boo took various physical forms. My K-boo didn't settle in a day. He has changed his appearance many times. Seeing “His Dark Materials” made me want to have a ferret / polecat daemon but I was influenced by the film. I knew I was clearly a mustelid person ... But which one? In the end, I am a bit distant and I analyzed the skunks, the porcupines and the same racoon dog. I found its final form after a long period of study of my own personality. I have read a lot on English daemonism sites. Then I realized the obvious. I couldn't deny it. I was a badger and he was the metaphorical representation of my being. I had a little trouble because the term "badger" is very derogatory in France. But we are who we are and we have to accept ourselves like that! Physically, he is therefore a European badger like any other. The muzzle in a white “vacuum cleaner” with two black bands. The size of a big cat. The short tail. In short, a lambda badger except for its funny little crest above its skull. He has two large eyes with yellow reflections, they sparkle with mischief and reflect his joie de vivre. His smile lets show a little fang. His hair is sometimes soft or coarse, he likes to rub cold and wet truffle on my cheek when he hugs me. It's heavy enough in when it grips my shoulder to spy on what I'm doing. When he walks by my side, I hear the little "clic clic clic" of his claws on the parquet which makes it particularly bad to hide (or if he tries to surprise me). Like our badger friends, K-Boo likes to scratch vigorously, let out small squeaks or purr with pleasure. K-Boo therefore changed form and first name (formerly "Kazioki") but never gender or less character. K-Boo is an electric battery, always happy, funny and positive. I often see K-Boo running and dancing (and singing especially ... Ouch!) Everywhere, playing in the grass while I walk on the street. In the metro, He hates a person sitting in the seat where he himself sits. He loves to joke, make fun of ridiculous dogs or he tries to make me laugh during lessons: a real clown. He is the only person who can repeat the tireless "blblblblblblblblblblbl" to me while I am trying to react seriously to a situation.

K-Boo remains and will always remain this young androgynous individual and always in a good mood. He is a teasing, energetic, optimistic, playful, accomplice, joker, friendly person. A real cartoon character on legs. K-Boo likes to live like this and like that, with his own personality. He is quite a character! 

His world? It's mine.

Despite its differences from humans and other animals on the planet, it is indeed evolving in my universe.

Because I'm the only human who can see K-Boo. I’m the only person who can really communicate with him. 

K-Boo is special. K-Boo is unique. 

K-Boo is just my daemon.

[lesbianaglaya]

Please elaborate on that The Idiot essay

Okay anon, ask and ye shall receive. Here is my manifesto on why I love The Idiot (1868-1869). Homoeroticism and me crying over Bakhtin under the cut.

Okay from here on out let me just warn you that there will be discussion of epilepsy, sexual abuse, violence against women, murder, and suicide. I never claimed it wasn’t a messed up story.

Let me start off by saying, this is not a good novel. It was written as a desperate cash grab by Dostoevsky after he and his wife Anna had had to move to Switzerland for financial reasons (they were rather continually in debt due to Dostoevsky’s gambling problem. In fact, they’d met when Fyodor hired Anna as a stenographer to help him write down The Gambler, the completion of which he’d bet all his rights to his published works on).  The four separate parts are only loosely linked by narrative threads, things don’t follow the course you would expect from a work of literature, and the protagonist of the novel’s literal schtick is that he was supposed to be “a perfectly beautiful man”. Which, yeah, great in theory but in reality people don’t want perfect protagonists. The morals of the novel tend towards Dostoevsky’s own often troubling views of religion and morality, and it is a distinctly 19th century work.

And yet, it’s still one of my favourite things I’ve ever read. Not only are there some truly insane homoerotic moments in here, but there are some brilliant moments of play with narrative voice, society novel-esque shenanigans, questions about the nature of goodness and what that really means, and, of course, one really hot moment where a woman slaps a guy who’s being a dick in the face with a riding crop.

The loose plot of the novel is that Prince Lev Nikolaevich Myshkin, the eponymous idiot (and a holy fool, or as Dostoevsky once described him, “Prince Christ”), is returning to Russia from a period of many years in Switzerland being treated for epilepsy. On the train into Petersburg he meets Rogozhin, a young man who has just inherited an enormous fortune after the death of his father. They begin talking, and Rogozhin confides in Myshkin about his love for (read: obsession with) a girl known as Nastasya Filipovna. (This seems weird doesn’t it? Just confessing your major life problems to this weird guy sitting next to you on the train? Yea that’s just what people do around Myshkin). Upon arriving in Petersburg, Myshkin goes to meet with his distant relations, the Epanchins, to get to know them and form a family connection. The rest of the novel is these characters cycling through various love (?) plots, more random inheritances, people dying of consumption, going to stay in the country for a while Just Because, and other stereotypical 19th century novel things.

What makes it unique is that each character is their own person with their own thoughts, experiences and world views and the novel is these views interacting and clashing, or as Bakhtin puts it “a plurality of consciousness, with equal rights and each with its own world”. The characters are not there to help prove any thesis or idea; instead the thesis of the novel is how these characters differing views interact with each other. Myshkin is the lens of this, making it a picture of how each different character (or world view) reacts to his inherent goodness.

Of course, that’s all very... meta. Fun to discuss, but it doesn’t necessarily make the book fun to read. That’s where Nastasya Filipovna comes in.

Nastasya Filipovna, the girl that Rogoshin is “in love with” is a young woman who was born to nobility but orphaned and then sexually abused and turned into a concubine by her guardian Totsky. At the beginning of the novel she has escaped the control of Totsky and is in the incredibly tenuous situation of being provided an income from him for not completely destroying his reputation. A marriage has been arranged by Totsky (so that he won't have to worry about her any more) between her and this one asshole Ganya, but she has not agreed to it yet and has said she will announce her decision at her name day party.

At said name day party is where things get Crazy. She goes ham, mocking Ganya (who she knows hates her) for selling himself for the money promised in marrying her, verbally torturing Totsky, and generally saying fuck you to everyone while also tossing in a good amount of self hatred. Myshkin (whom she invited after meeting him once earlier that day for like five seconds seriously just role with it) declares quite earnestly that he thinks she is a good person and if she likes he’ll marry her amd also that he just inherited a fuck ton of money. Nastya is taken aback, and agrees to marry Myshkin. Then Rogozhin shows up (drunk, with the lads) and we find out Nastya has been planning all this. She tells Myshkin that she can’t actually marry him because he’s too innocent and she believes herself to be awful, and then asks Rogozhin for the money he promised her. Rogozhin hands over 100,000 rubles and Nastasya proceeds to toss them in the fire, tell Ganya that they’re his if he’ll reach in to get them out, and then leaves her own party with Rogozhin!!! I said this novel was batshit!!!!

Nastya through out the novel continues to be The Best Character, writing homoerotic letters to Aglaya Epanchina, who I FIRMLY choose to see as a lesbian, smoking cigars, and of course, upon hearing a man say of her “Here you simply need a whip, there’s no other way with this creature”, in return “she rushed to a young man completely unknown to her who was standing two steps away and holding a thin, braided riding crop, tore it out of his hand, and struck the offender accross the face as hard as she could”.  Iconique. Of course, her story ends tragically but we’ll get into that later.

To quickly touch on Aglaya Epanchina, because I love her, she is one of the daughters of the Epanchin family, she and Myshkin almost get married, and she ends the novel by running off with a foreigner and becoming (horrified whisper) Catholic. Anyway she and Nastya have a brief but horribly gay dicourse where Nastya confesses her love (platonic of course. That is definitely how I, a lesbian, read this) for Aglaya and Aglaya refuses to believe her. Aglaya says she wants to marry Myshkin specifically because then she wouldn’t have to be a wife and a mother and could pursue what she wants and continue to learn. Also at one point Aglaya adopts a hedgehog. That’s Lesbianism Baybee. Her ending is supposed to be tragic but I choose to believe that her marriage is a lavender marriage and she and her gay husband are having wild fun around Europe. Let me have this.

Now for what you’ve all been waiting for — more homoeroticism.

Myshkin and Rogoshin’s dynamic is, like, fully insane. After their first meeting on the train, Rogozhin says to Myshkin “Prince, I don’t know why I’ve come to love you. . . . Come and see me, Prince. We’ll take those wretched gaiters off you; I’ll dress you in a top-notch marten coat; I’ll have the best of tailcoats made for you, a white waistcoat, or whatever you like; I’ll stuff your pockets with money”. Slow down lover boy you met this man five minutes ago and you’re already trying to sugar daddy him?? It only gets worse from here.

Part II of the novel picks up six months after the name day party. Rogozhin and Myshkin have in the intervening time “often happened to spend long hours together, and there had even been several moments during their meetings that had left an all too memorable imprint upon their hearts”. Yeah. It’s also said that Rogozhin is jealous of Myshkin maybe holding some of Nastya’s affection but like. It just reads a lot like Rogozhin is torn between Nastya and Myshkin, which he is in a way because being in love with friends with Myshkin and Nastya  (lavender) marrying Myshkin (that’s not an exaggeration it’s basically out right stated that if Myshkin and Nastya married they would not have sex), would mean giving up the weird destructive obsession he and Nastya have with each other. This is supposed to imply coming to Jesus. I take it as accepting your homosexuality because Dostoevsky is dead and I can do what I want.

So Myshkin shows up at Rogozhin’s house and things are a bit awkward (Rogozhin has maybe been stalking Myshkin??) His “affectionate” smile is described “as if something had been broken, and try as he might, he was unable to glue it back together.” Anyway.

They begin actually talking and oh boy. I’ll just present these without comment.

“I’ve come to bring you peace, because you, too, are dear to me. I love you very much Parfyon. And now I’ll go and never come again. Farewell.” “‘Stay with me a little’ Parfyon said quietly, without getting up from his place and leaning his head on his right hand, ‘I haven’t seen you in a very long time.’”

“When you’re not in front of me, I feel spite for you Lev Nikolaevich. . . . Now you haven’t sat with me a quarter of an hour and all my spite is gone, and I love you like before. Stay with me a little . . .’”

“Nobody’s asking our opinion. It got decided without us. And we love differently too.”

“I didn’t want to come here! I wanted to forget everything here, tear it out of my heart!”

Not to mention the jealousy Rogozhin has for the perceived relationship between Myshkin and Nastya. Hmmmm. Anyway after all That, Rogozhin insists that he and Myshkin trade crosses, his golden one for Myshkin’s tin one.

And THEN Rogozhin proceeds to stop Myshkin from leaving again, and takes him to get his mother’s blessing, which is the same thing he did with Nastasya!!!!!! I feel insane.

After this Myshkin returns to his hotel but then Rogozhin follows him and um. Tries to stab him. With the knife that’s been built up as a phallic symbol through the whole novel. But then Myshkin falls into an epileptic fit and Rogozhin flees. Like this is deeply fucked up but What The Hell am I supposed to be thinking rn??

Anyway the next time they meet it’s in the countryside and Myshkin has fully forgiven him for the murder attempt. Indeed “struck by Rogozhin’s sudden appearance, the prince was unable to collect his thoughts for sometime, and a painful sensation rose again in his heart.”

Rogoshin has apparently not forgiven himself for trying to kill Myshkin, to which Myshkin responds “all that you went through that day I now know as well as I know my own self. What you were imagining did not and could not exist.” *jenny slate scream*

Myshkin proceeds to invite Rogozhin home with him, saying “I have some wine, we’ll drink wine, you must wish me something I myself don’t know how to wish for now, and it’s precisely you who must wish it, and I’ll wish you your fullest happiness. Or else give me back my cross! You didn’t even send it back to me the next day! You’re wearing it? Wearing it even now?” and THEN he says “I don’t want to meet my new life without you because my new life has begun! Don’t you know that my new life begins today?” and then they head home together.

Okay skipping over a bunch of stuff because 1) I havent read the novel in a year and while i know there’s more stuff in there I don’t know exactly where and I don’t want to be flipping pages for another hour and 2) this is already insanely long so. For context in the intervening time Rogozhin and Nastya do end up getting married (which everyone including the two of them kind of agree that it’s just a way for them both to kill each other/basically comit suicide. Fun!). So that’s exactly what happens, and Myshkin runs to their house, arriving too late and finding that Rogozhin has stabbed Nastya and she is dead. Thus ensues a scene that makes me so insane I cant... look here just take this:

“‘So let her lie here now, next to us, next to me and you...’

‘Yes, yes!’ the prince agreed warmly.”

And

“‘I’ll make up the bed and you can lie down... and I’ll lie down with you... and we’ll listen... because I don’t know yet man... I don’t know everything yet, man, so I’m telling you about it ahead of time, so you’ll know all about it ahead of time...’”

And

“But two people could not lie on the sofa, and he absolutely wanted to make up beds now side by side, and that way why, with great effort, he now dragged pillows of various sizesfrom both sofas all the way across the room, right up to the opening in the curtain. The bed got made up anyhow; he went over to the prince, took him tenderly and rapturously by the arm, got him to his feet, and led him to the bed”

And

“[Rogozhin was] laying the prince down on the left, better, pillows, himself on the right”

And

“‘What did you use? A knife? That same one?’

‘That same one’”

And

“The prince would reach out his trembling hand to him and quietly touch his head, his hair, stroke it and stroke his cheeks... there was nothing more he could do! . . . and pressed his face to the pale and motionless face of Rogozhin; tears flowed from his eyes onto Rogozhin’s cheeks”

And

“He quietly hastened to pass his trembling hand over his hair and cheeks, as if caressing and soothing him”

And then the cops show up and there’s a brief epilogue talking about how everything is terrible now and Myshkin goes back to Switzerland because he’s incoherent with grief. Insane.

So there’s also a lot in this novel about what is actually good, and how people react when confronted with goodness, etc. etc. but this is five pages in google docs and I need to. Stop. Anyway if you made it to the end cheers this novel is awful and insane and I love it. Dostoevsky do not interact I hate your crusty ass even if your prose makes me feel things.

[incurableoptimistest1994]

So, you’ve probably all seen that right now I’m having a pretty shitty time. I have not been in the right place emotionally or physically to share my latest plot twist, and I’m still not really, but here are the basics.

Last Thursday, whilst I was staying with my parents in Swansea, my suprapubic catheter blocked. We tried to change it, but couldn’t get it back in. We were rushed to the surgical assessment unit, where ironically someone who works with my specialist urologist treated me. Despite masses of drugs, determination, swearing and screaming, we had to accept defeat. My catheter site in my tummy had closed. The drs were shocked it had worked at all for the last few weeks, since the incident with the guide wire. They were also shocked I’d been up and walking around; the site, and my bladder, is incredibly traumatised. It was full of damage, granulation and scar tissue. Because I literally cannot urinate without a tube, they had to put an indwelling urethral catheter in. It was horrifically painful, but thankfully it’s working great, for now. However it presents a multitude of serious issues... and this entire situation raises lots of serious questions for my future. Previously, bladder removal was an option on the table, but we had time. We had time to think, to try other things, and I had a quality of life. Now, that time, that quality of life, is vastly diminished. Bladder removal is pretty much my best and only option at this point. I do not say this lightly; there is a very high risk I will not survive the operation. I know it’s not a quick or easy fix; it’s a long, painful, difficult, terrifying fix. But it’s a fix.

To really top things off, my Botox in my bladder has worn off. This is enough on its own to render me a non functional mess. Combined with the healing bladder trauma and literal hole in my tummy, plus the adjustment to the new tube, I have been in agony. We have had to increase my meds. I’m still not very functional rn; I have terrible brain fog caused by the pain and the meds. Everything hurts, and my mobility is limited.

And the final straw? After watching my documentary, my palliative care team have confirmed I’m suffering extremely severe chronic spasms (yes, more severe than they even realised)... but they have also informally diagnosed me with an incredibly rare form of epilepsy, where you are awake and aware during extreme seizures.

This is both good and bad news, to me. Good, because perhaps now they can actually treat the really big, horrible, life threatening fits/spasms (it’s likely they drive/cause one another, and the reason I’m sometimes so poorly is because I’m fitting and spasming at the same time.) better. It’s bad, because a part of me is just SO ANGRY that nobody found this earlier. I’m not cross at one person, just at the situation in general.

We will not be able to start the anti epilepsy drugs for a few months, til my new anti spasm drugs are stable.

I am just, spectacularly angry with the universe right now. And I am sad, and scared, and in pain.

It feels like so many options for my future are being taken away, and so many choices are being forced.

I am not okay right now, guys.

I am incredibly grateful to my absolutely amazing clinical and care teams, who have gone, and continue to go, above and beyond in their care and support of me. I am incredibly grateful to my amazing family and friends for taking such wonderful care of me (as always) and for making me smile even during my darkest moments.

I have a neurology appointment today, Paliative care in a few weeks, and my appointment with my specialist neuro-urologist on 1st April. Decisions and plans will be Meade over the best month as to where we go from here.

I am going back to see my psychologist today. I need the support if I want to get through this with my already wobbly sanity in tact.

The one good thing I can see is that, possibly for the first time in my life, I have felt safe and able to reach out to my loved ones for support; or course, they have always provided it, but historically one of the worst habits my mental health had caused me to develop was the need to pretend I was coping, and shut my loved ones out. I hated the idea of hurting them with my pain... I still do, but I also know that I hurt them more when I go all love wolf and shut them out.

So to the people making this dark time not just bearable, but beautiful, thank you, with all my heart. I love you. The words are too small, but they’re all I have.

Right now, I keep feeling like I’m in a long dark tunnel, and it’s feeling very difficult to see a light at the end. Blue, very wisely, said I need to think of this period right now as an end to a means. It is just one step, not the whole staircase.

It’s very easy to fall back into negative habits of self doubt and self hatred, but I am trying very hard to remember that a) this is not my fault, and b) I am trying my best. The outpouring of love and support following my documentary, The Incurable Optimist, has encouraged and supported my hard earned self worth.

So, that’s where I’m at.

[bookreviewsbykay]

The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue by Mackenzi Lee

Things this book promises: witty banter in the eighteenth century in Europe. Things I've gotten so far at 52 pages in: the main character is crushing hardcore on his best friend and hates Paris.

I'm already enjoying this. I've decided that I'm going to read a couple of chapters and update this review as I go along. Like a tag-a-long book review. It works for me and saves me the trouble of remembering a whole book after I've already started another.

Back to my thoughts: So Monty, the main character, is going on a tour of the European continent with his best friend, Percy, and his sister, Felicity. Its supposed to be the "last hurrah" Monty has with his best friend before Percy goes to law school and Felicity goes to a finishing school. However, Monty can't spend this trip in a bottle and debauchery because his father has threatened to disinherit him for his playboy ways. The only reason Monty's father means it this time is because of Monty and Felicity's baby brother.

Did I mention that Monty has a two year long crush on Percy???? No? Whoops...

So Monty and Percy finally get a night out to themselves in Paris and they get drunk. Not too drunk. But drunk nonetheless. They kiss.

And Monty being the dumbass he is, doesn't admit to Percy that he means the kiss. *insert a facepalm here please* So, as expected, things are awkward between Monty and Percy... like real awkward. Also, Monty's a dick. Douche. Meanie. (whatever you want to call it)

So, while at a Party in Versailles, Monty sneaks off go a Duke's room (a Duke he just previously insulted, mind you) with a girl and gets naked. Then upon being caught he jumps out of the window and dashed through Versailles with no clothing on. And runs into the outskirts of the party. Felicity and Percy chew him out and the party is over.

Did I mention that Monty stole something from the Duke??? No? My bad. Anyway, upon leaving Versailles on the way to Marseilles, they get set upon by "highwaymen". (NOTE THE QUOTATIONS) And now Monty, Percy, and Felicity are without a carriage and finish the trip to Marseilles on foot.

Once in Marseilles, they have to wait for the next day for the banks to open because they're going to go to their father's bank. Since they have to wait, they try to find a place to settle for the night but they narrowly escape the "highwaymen". We, the readers, find out Percy has epilepsy when he has a seizure.

We also find out that the Duke himself is after the box Monty stole. And the box doesn't belong to the Duke, or the king for that matter. The box actually belongs to an alchemist who studies the cure-all side of alchemy.

So, Monty, trying to avoid Percy going to an asylum for his epilepsy, convinces them to travel to Spain. To return the box. Also, he apologizes to Percy. (I really do hope the he has some character development soon)

They stowaway on a ship after being denied passage for Percy's skin color (remember the time period this is set in folks) then that boat gets captured by pirates who aren't really pirates. Monty saves all their asses with his brilliant acting skills. And they arrive in Venice.

Monty and Percy finally talked about their feelings. But it went south when Monty didn't want to give up his lifestyle to run away with Percy. Then Monty gets drunk and captured.

Now, the Duke and Monty and Helena are at the sinking island for the cure-all. Percy and Felicity show up with the key, opening the resting place of Helena's mother.

Felicity opens the woman up and takes out the heart, the cure-all. She hands it Helena, Monty is being held at gunpoint by the Duke, and Helena offers the heart to Percy. (Monty said he wanted it for Percy earlier in the book but didn't say why) Percy, bless his little heart, doesn't want it even though it works. So Helena throws the heart into a fire and the island starts to sink around them.

The Duke stupidly stays behind trying to save the melted scraps of the alchemical heart. Helena takes her boat and sails away while Monty (who's been shot), Percy, and Felicity row to the pirate's ship.

Monty ends up having his ear shot off, burns along his face, and no hearing in his right ear. After learning a very harrowing truth about his father, Monty decides he wants to stay away from his family home, with Percy in tow.

The End

Overall, Monty's character growth is highly believable. It's very refreshing to have a main character understand his faults and start working towards making himself better. He doesn't completely become a whole new and improved Monty through the book. He works towards it .

Percy is a good side character/love interest who also grows as a person. He already had a very different perspective on life because of his skin tone but he learns what the rest of the world is like. He learns that he can be better a person too.

Felicity stays very much the same throughout the novel. She is stubborn and very arrogant whenever possible. She's smart and clever, but the only character development you see of her is that she learns to accept that she isn't always right.

[whispering-sumire755]

Tigerlily

Her mother hired her a driver and a bodyguard, though Laura didn't want it, said she'd be fine on her own, Talia didn't care, their family was in a precarious situation right now, and she'd be doing the same for Derek and the twins; Peter was only exempt because he was an adult who could take care of himself (and by that, Laura privately thought, what she meant to say was that Peter would totally emasculate and shred any ego and/or confidence the paparazzi/protesters had with his vicious words, if they were in public, and, if not, well. No one would miss them, he'd say, they must be vile people in their private lives to do such vile things in their public ones), and Philip because he was in Ireland with their father. Grouchy, Laura admitted defeat and accepted the burden of whomever her mother had hired, despite being two whole states away from the center of the chaos.

When she leaves her apartment, the first day she's being picked up by this person, she's taken utterly by surprise to see a buxom woman with honey-blonde hair in loose pig-tails tied up with big, sleek ribbons, a steampunk captain's hat atop her head, eyes like crushed nutmeg sprinkled with cigarette-ash flecks, wearing a white shirt and oil-slick black leather pants, her clothes clinging, like she chose them with the specific intention of showing off, standing in front of a pastel, antique Volkswagen beetle, looking for all the world expectant, bored, and vaguely amused in that same way Uncle Peter sometimes gets, like the whole world is a joke that only they're in on.

"You must be Laura," the woman- or, more accurately, girl, at least comparatively- says.

Laura laughs a little, nervous and slightly incredulous, "And you're my ride?"

Blondie flashes a grin, full-up of too many teeth, plumb-red tinted lips parting dangerously around too-sharp bone, an expression as seductive as it is terrifying. "That's right," she opens the backseat door and bows with a flourish, waving Laura inside the vehicle, "my name's Erica; our chariot tigerlily and I will be providing you all of your escorting and personal protection needs, as per your mother's- and therefore my paycheck's- request."

"Uh-mm," Laura laughs again, walking down the concrete steps and away from her apartment complex's entryway, stopping short when she gets to sidewalk proper, biting her lip and wringing her hands a little. Erica remains bowed, though she does turn her head to narrow her smokey eyes, the silken waterfall of her sunlight hair tangling with her neck, the black bow holding the pig-tail in place falling just under the girl's ear, contrasting the brilliant neon-chain piercings that decorate- nearly overwhelm- it. "Are you... old enough to be doing this?"

An explosive sigh as she rights herself, leans an elbow on top of the door and rests her cheek on her hand, its' opposite going to her hip with a half-resigned, half-sass sort of attitude. "Do you want to see my credentials? I've got about a dozen boxing medals, three belts, a nikyu rank in judo, and-" she does an asymmetrical kind of jazz-hands, underwhelming and seeming almost bored, like she's explained this thousands of times, before returning to her original position- "surprise surprise, a driver's license. I'm qualified, does my age really matter?"

"I... suppose not?"

"You don't sound too sure about that, princess."

Laura shakes her head with a little hiccup-squeak- a sound she will never admit to having made, and will quietly freak out about later, thank you- "Nope, I'm sure. I'm sure," and with that she skedaddles on into the car- as elegantly as she can manage, after everything- ignoring her driver's growing smirk with an awkward, embarrassed kind of desperation. She hears Erica huff out something of a laugh before the car door's shut gently behind her, the girl moving to the driver's seat and clambering in.

"So: where to?"

"Belle Grove Kindergarten," Laura answers promptly, mildly relieved to be done with the social niceties of it all.

"Oh, that's right, your mom did say something about you being a teacher." Laura hums affirmatively. "I hate kids, personally, but, you know-" she turns the key, starting the car and pulling away from the curb- "kudos to you for bringing knowledge to the next generation of assholes, or something like that."

Laura chokes on her own spit, and it takes a lot longer than she'd like for her to become composed enough to dignify that with a response, and all she ends up managing is a very high, very unsure, haphazardly chagrined and slightly sarcastic, "Thanks?"

She glimpses, from the rearview mirror, Erica's eyes crinkling with the mirth and width of her smile.

It's odd to learn about someone so extensively over such a short period of time, but, at the same time, it seems almost natural. There's awkwardness and blundering, but Erica and Laura just kind of click.

The wind-swept wild maiden, and the tamer, tranquil, motherly type of woman, both of them very, very different, but uniquely complementary to each other.

Erica, Laura finds, became a bodyguard straight out of highschool, her epilepsy- which she avoids talking about like the plague, so long as she can get away with it- made it difficult to become a driver in any capacity, but, her episodes winding down as she got older, along with finding meds to manage it that managed it well, or, at least, better than the others before, did seem help in that vein. Still, if she has even one seizure, it could revoke her license, which, while Erica understands, the safety of others and all that, she's also vaguely bitter about.

The girl's overtly sexual, voraciously flirtatious, with a mask of lethal confidence born from deep-rooted insecurities. She's very explorative of her identity at this point in her life because her identity always used to be her illness, and now that she has the chance to discover herself outside of that, she's diving in headfirst, reckless and urgent. She's a very in your face with both my middle-fingers in the air type of person, but there's a depth, a complexity to it, and a frugal kindness saturated in cynicism riding just underneath.

Her style, too, is fascinating, from her clothes to her car to the way she utilizes her language, and, despite mostly being a pacifist herself, if Laura's being honest the way Erica fights is... mouth-watering. Would be a vulgar thing to think. Which is why Laura isn't thinking it.

At all.

Erica taps the metal curl of her sunglasses against her teeth, glaring at the door that leads into Laura's apartment complex, impatient. She knows that the school-year is over, but she also knows that Laura isn't the type to have with staying inside or being idle. The woman likes fresh air and sunlight the same way flowers do, in that she needs it like breathing, could only wilt without it.

Which is why Erica ended up outside her place, figuring she'd still need a ride... somewhere.

Sighing explosively, she gets up off of her car, rubs the sun-scorched metal feeling out of her skin with a small grimace, and decidedly presses Laura's buzzer. No response. She clicks the button over and over again, irritating-persistent, pestering, until she hears a crash and an undeniably familiar voice shouting, "Cora, I swear to god—"

The aggrieved words halt, stutter, caught like fluttering-fragile butterfly wings in her long, pale throat, heterochromatic eyes startled-wide when they light on Erica—who'd backtracked down the small set of stairs, back to the sidewalk, to look up at the sight of her boss' daughter, her client, her friend, standing sleep-soft messy on her balcony. ink-silk curls in a loose-tumble bun, a slightly revealing preppy-pink satin slip under an unzipped hoodie, baggy sleeves sliding adorably over her bony hands, dream-like cotton-candy designs on it.

"Sorry to disappoint, princess," Erica smirks, watching as Laura's barefoot toes flex against charcoal grey floorboards.

Laura blushes furiously, rosy hue dusting her from her prominent collarbone all the way to her crown, getting ripe-strawberry dark just at the tip of her ears, and erica's helpless to the way her smirk widens into a genuine grin. "Not disappointed," Laura says, breezily, turning her eyes away and smoothing her hands down her skirt with all the air of recomposed royalty—the act betrayed entirely by her coloring and the high-pitch, embarrassed crackle of her tone. Erica bites back a laugh, scuffs the heel of her boot on the crack-crumble cement.

"You gonna grant me entry into your tower? Or am I gonna have to beg you to let down your hair?"

Laura's eyes flutter closed, tonguing the back of her teeth even as an indulgently mirthful smile overwhelms her. "You know... I shouldn't," she points out with a look, exasperatedly shaking her head even as she retreats back inside to buzz Erica in, fatalistic, calling over her shoulder: "You’re likely a dragon, come to kidnap me and burn me alive."

Erica rolls her eyes, jogs back up the little street-stairway, opens the door when it unlocks for her at Laura's bidding, before running up the three flights it takes to get to Laura's apartment, only the barest hints of breathless when she gets to the woman's door and sweeps inside. "No way am I a dragon. I'm more like... Excalibur," she leans into the woman's space, sultry-purr, "silver and sharp."

Laura backs away with a sound split between a groan and a sigh, "And just as dangerous."

"Not exactly," Erica hums, shutting Laura's door carelessly and meandering to the dining table, snatching an apple from the wicker-weave basket in the middle of its’ wax-shine mahogany expanse and biting into it. "The dragon kills you, princess, because it's hungry, driven by instinct, whatever. I, on the other hand, am wielded in your defence-" she shrugs- "or not. Maybe your evil step-mother picks me up and beheads you with me. My point is, as a weapon, I have no intent, good or bad." 

She looks up from her fingers, picking restlessly at blood-rich apple-skin to find Laura staring at her, expression indecipherable.

Silence reigns- vaguely uncomfortable- for a second too long. Erica blinks, knits her brows.

"... What?"

Laura shakes her head, "I— Nothing. Nothing, nevermind." She clears her throat, shuffles things around that don't really need to be shuffled, restless. "Um, so. What're you doing here?"

"My job, unless I was fired while I wasn't paying attention."

Laura huffs a little, glittering starlight returning to her eyes, "No; I'll have need of you for a while yet. But..." She shrugs, "I don't really have anywhere to go."

"Bullshit," Erica scoffs, narrows her eyes when laura's only response is a deadpanned glare. "Seriously? No... friends? social gatherings? nothing?"

*"Nothing,"* Laura sighs, nearly a pout, flopping lethargically onto her white-cotton plush couch. "Just the kids—work."

Erica blanks for a moment, fidgets, eats her goddamn apple.

"Okay," she shatters the vaguely somber air after a moment, annoyed, tossing her apple-core into the trash-can on her way to the couch before lifting Laura bodily off of it, hauling her into a bridal-carry easy as anything, and ignoring her yelp of utterly indignant shock. "Fuck this. We're going out."

Laura sputters for a moment, hands flapping a little wildly as Erica straight-up carries her past the threshold and- since the stairs don't seem like a good or practical idea- to the elevator, before she resignedly, almost begrudgingly, gives in, wrapping her willowy arms around Erica's neck and melting into her with a huff. "I suppose it wouldn't do to leave tigerlily all by their lonesome, anyway, would it?"

“No,” Erica agrees victoriously. “No, it would not.”

They spend the day driving around, avoiding paparazzi, getting frozen yogurt, a whole trunkload- literally- of books, two records, a record player, and a moment saturated in the floaty-fluff memory of dancing with Erica in the middle of the street, both of them a study in awkward clumsiness and both of them devolving into hysterical fits of laughter.

The image of Erica with her head thrown back, their bodies spinning, dizzying, her laughter throaty and reckless and breathless-wild, is replaying in Laura’s head on a loop when Erica walks her back up to her apartment, the sight of the girl's teeth, tongue, the roof of her mouth, unexplored places that Laura suddenly, yearningly, viscerally, wants to map out, discover, taste, know. Which is probably why, when Erica grins a, "G'night, Lulu," with every intention of leaving, Laura ropes her in- knuckles fisted in the collar of her shirt- and kisses her soundly.

Erica freezes for just the barest hints of a frantically eternal, terrifying moment, before she's all motion, folding Laura into her body with all the ease of a sculptor molding clay, fingertips, sharp nails, pressing into her shoulder blades as she dives into her in turn, greedy, with a gasping moan, wavering somewhere deep, all animalistic, ferine need.

When they part enough to allow air back into their lungs, lips bruised and spit-slick, Erica rasps, teased lovely, so fucking lovely at the edges, "That was-" a swallow, dry, clicking- "unexpected."

"No, it wasn't. It was a kiss. That's what you're supposed to do at the end of a date, isn't it? Kiss?"

Erica snorts, dissolves into giggles, lets her head fall to rest on Laura's shoulder, button-nose pressed into Laura’s pulse-point. "Yeah," she agrees, every muscle easing down to supple, pliant, and Laura hadn't even realized how tightly Erica was holding herself until now. "Yeah, I suppose it is."

"Come inside?" She asks, maybe begs, and Erica lifts her head, raising an eyebrow, which has Laura rolling her eyes. "To cuddle. Watch Netflix? Eat p—" she halts herself- because she knows, she knows how much Erica hates popcorn- squints her eyes at the ceiling for a second as she thinks, both arms wrapped around Erica's back, one hand absently playing with her puppy-soft hair. "Poptarts," she decides, finally, looking back down into Erica's eyes, only to be knocked entirely breathless by how much of the girl's naked heart is beating in them, joyous, honeycomb sweet, and glittering with something new, transcendent, something that, maybe, hopes to be love.

Erica catches whatever expression of besotted surprise Laura must be wearing with a kiss, like fireflies in a mason jar, says, "Sure. Poptarts sound good."

And Laura realizes, mostly accidentally, that she's now dating her best friend, and her whole world glows.

(When the political turbulence gets tied up, and the reason for Erica being hired concisely ends, she moves on to a new job, another client, but her relationship with Laura remains, grows, develops. The two women explore each other, their identities together, and, when Laura decides to bring the girl home to introduce her to her family- them road-tripping to BH in tigerlily- Erica brings a fruit-basket, which she bequeaths Talia, for essentially introducing them.)

[black-is-beautiful18]

You really think we're on the same side?! No we aren't! Don't ever tell that lie again. As for people dying that isn't the protesters fault. The police are purposefully being violent and injuring protesters. Two men were killed the other night. For no reason. If cops get trigger happy they shouldn't be cops! If they have hate for a people who have done nothing to them they don't need to be cops! If they aren't here to actually protect and serve then they don't deserve to be cops! I saw police in riot gear break into the car of two Black college students, drag them out and tase them. I'm pretty sure one of them was tased 3 times causing him to have a seizure. He had epilepsy. Meanwhile the car in front of them had a white girl waving and smiling at the camera as if this was some kind of game! Don't tell me all lives matter when I can call the police and be at risk of being shot and killed in my own home because they automatically think I'm some sort of criminal! So kindly shut your freaking mouth, have a happy Tueaday, and don't forget that Black Lives Matter. Period.

PERIODT

[imhotteronline]

its about 8:30 in the morning, I’ve had two pieces of toast, an emergen-c drink, 20mg Adderall XR, and I’ve put on weed CBD transdermal patch to deal with the side effects of all the epilepsy meds I’m on. Can’t forget the JUUL and a glass of water either.

I haven’t taken a 20mg in a VERY long time, I’ve been using the 10mg IR’s that die out after 4 hours and leave you questioning why you’re no longer awake or able to handle ADHD symptoms. I’m fucking awake and typing just to do something. I have a talk therapy intake at 10am today. I’m never scared of the intakes, it’s just I hate having the same. fucking. conversation. every. time.

“how do you feel today?”

“do you feel like hurting yourself”

“do you think you’re a danger to others?”

“do you feel like this problems are conflicting on your day to day life?”

No, I don’t want to hurt myself, I feel shitty, and these problems are conflicting with my day to day life.

The whole point of me setting this up is so I can come vent to you about how I feel instead of bothering my parents. I’ve worked very hard to bring down the symptoms of the real diagnosed stuff, not the anxiety or panic attacks caused by meds, you just can’t control them, you can only manage them. That’s why it pisses me off whenever my parents or someone gets mad at me for using a prescribed or unprescribed but entirely similar benzodiazepines (ativan, xanax, klonopin, etc) or weed to deal with physical body side effects. “You look fine!” No, I’m ‘acting’ to hold it together so that way I can feel normal. I had problems in the past with abuse and acquiring these drugs illegally, but I see now that I was just trying to mitigate the pain by self-medicating. I’m just on a much more straightforward path now.

That’s a problem with these invisible disabilities - like when people get handicap placards when they have cancer and everyone will say YOURE NOT DISABLED and throw things on their car. It happens for everything else. 

It’s hard for people who are adults (in their 50′s or late 40′s) to understand these new discoveries. My mom didn’t know my drug side effects until my neurologist sat down and explained piece by piece what is going on inside me. They don’t want to see me “high” but they need to understand that being high is better than being in pain and staring at a ceiling.

I think millennials have a much better understanding of what people go through because of the pressure cooker of life their parents decided to place on them. We’ve had more suicides, mental breakdowns, but loss of disability services and diagnosis programs than ever before, a lot related to schoolwork, related to pressure to move out and get jobs, but in this economy, that doesn’t happen. 

The best we can do, I think, is keep awareness up. It’s difficult. People don’t want to talk about their experiences because it’s so traumatic. People don’t want to push because it’s traumatic. But we’re opening up more and more. The movie “Thank You For Your Service” looks like something that might change people’s views of how the brain works. That’s just how it is. Adults grew up in a different age and a different learning period. If I have to spend all of my time re-educating, then that’s what I gotta do. I feel very strongly about this because I see so many friends who have disabilities, who don’t get tested because their parents are very scared they’re gonna get medicated and become a zombie, but it’s just to verify to schools and work that you have these issues and that you are covered under the Americans with Disabilities Act for special needs.

[vividlilyart]

I’ve been fairly busy of late. Always good to feel that you’re being productive, that is until this week. Clinics have quietened a little, giving me a bit of time for reflection and much needed hours of rest, or active rest as I put it. There’s always things to be done, however some are less taxing than others.  Like writing and painting, it brings so much joy, but it has taken quite a back seat over the last few months. In particular my blog has become more and more sporadic. Sure I’ve scrawled the odd poetic verse down, but as for writing anything substantial, it just hasn’t happened. Coming from such intensity, to relative calm can be like someone slamming on the brakes for an emergency stop. You can end up over shooting, a little dazed and wondering what the hell happened. I’m thinking perhaps creatively, that has created some kind of confused vortex in my head, stunting my output a little. I guess patience is key at times like these.

And then sometimes you become distracted by the wrong things and lose a part of yourself. That little flame that burns inside, isn’t fed well enough and starts to struggle. I have a very rich and fulfilling life in many ways. I have a good family, some amazing and inspirational friends,  a rewarding if tiring (at times) job and I’ve managed to fill my life with things that I love. My gratitude goes out to all of that for keeping me going.

I’ve been lucky enough to attend a few rather awesome events lately. One being the London Astrobeat Arkestra, performing Talking Heads. A rather warm evening at Wylam with a lot of happy people, drinking good beer and dancing lots. Dancing, always good for the soul!

The other memorable performance was by the National Theatres production of ‘The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time’. I feel I should have read the book, but sometimes that’s the wrong way around to do it. 

A brief synopsis and potential “spoiler alert”… 

It’s told from the perspective of a 15 year old boy who suffers from a condition on the autistic spectrum, I’d also speculate that he potentially suffers from epilepsy as these conditions can often go hand in hand. It tells a story through his eyes, his world which is very much a reality, as we all have our own realities. It starts with the discovery of a dog that has been murdered with a pitch fork and he makes it his “project” to find out who the murderer actually is. His parents do the best to cope with the boys disorder, however amidst the difficulties, his mother grows close to a neighbour and they depart for a life together in London. Leaving the father, and wife’s neighbour to pick up the pieces, the boy remains unaware of circumstances and is told that his mother was taken into hospital after having a heart attack and died. This is accepted until the boy finds out via hidden letters that his mum has been writing letters to him, which have been hidden, alongside the story he was writing about his life and investigations into the murdered dog which his father confiscated. He runs away to London to find his mum and, well I’ll not fill you in on all of the story as I’m mainly concerned about the theatrical portrayal of it and how it was executed. The lighting, the gobos (films put over the lights to create effects), the use of numbers and words. Reference to Eisenstein theory of relativity on space and time, prime numbers and the speed and manor at which they were projected onto the stage. The portrayal of how one mind can work within a world, but see things and deal with mundane everyday situations, so completely differently.

The use of physical theatre and the interaction between characters was quite phenomenal. There were moments that choked you and made you teary eyed and moments that made you laugh out loud, engaging and soulful. I left my worries about the pet rat bouncing around a cage as the boy ran around the set, when I realised they’d done a switch. Nice touch with the puppy too, you might have known that was going to tug at the heartstrings.

It took me back to a book I read several years ago called, 'Shock of the Fall’, by Nathan Filer. That too had a storyline of a young lead character and his family dealing with mental health issues and disability. Highly recommended if you’re short on something to read. Anyway, big thumbs up to the National Theatre who did a sterling job on this production!

I’ve pulled together a whole summer of fun over the past few weeks and the weather has even warmed up. I’m all about the outdoors at heart and sun always provides added enjoyment, not to mention much needed vitamin D; which I could have cried for a couple of months ago. Long may it continue over the festival period is all I can say. You’ll find me and Boo at the beach, ankle deep in the sea and clutching a little blue plastic bucket and spade at every given opportunity…

Next topic, the election. It’s over, phew! No matter how you voted, hopefully things will improve for the greater good of us all....eventually. Things take time I guess. After all of the anxiety, worry and even partying into the small hours that I heard about, hopefully we can all get some sleep tonight! (You can see I’m a little slow in posting this one…)

Looking at recent events in London and Manchester, more tragic news, circumstances which to anyone with any decency are baffling. These acts solve nothing, these people want to solve nothing. It is simply and act of appearing in control seemingly. See what we can do. To cause terror amongst the innocent, to take away life. We’re all born innocent, we may or may not be brought up in a religious setting. Introduce extremist politics and a need to be right to this, you have problems. I’m not sure that religion is the problem per se. I have known some of the most humble and generous people in various religions, I’ve also heard of some of the worst offenders sitting claiming their god is all. Religion doesn’t make you good or bad and socially speaking we all know innately what is good and bad. There are few ways out of this. I’m a huge believer that we are all one and the same, no matter who we choose to worship or not. You live, you learn and in that you know that such heinous acts instigate nothing but hate, rebellion and divisiveness. And if that is the intention, people will never ever lead a truly peaceful whole life. People need people, need love, we need the earth and all that it comes with; common sense really. I guess one day the earth will kick us all off, but in the universes greater powers, that’s for it to decide as and when. In the meantime I’d like to send a lot of love out there to anyone who needs it. I open my heart to anyone who feels alone, unsure or isolated. Whether it works on a collective level or anything else, it’s healthier than building up and spewing out negative energy. Acknowledge the bad yes, it is only human after all, but hopefully one day, one will cancel out the other.

[asakurahaos]

:/

[drtanstravels]

I was born on August 30, 1979 and according to statistics, the average life expectancy for an Australian born at that time was 74 years, with 70.56 years for males and 77.62 years for women:

Things are looking brighter for people born in this day and age with males looking at reaching 80.4 years of age and women living to be 84.6, but no matter how you look at it, even with the advances in modern medicine, it’s safe to say that at 39 years old, I’m now technically middle-aged and I’d simply have to be in denial to not be able to accept this fact. The real issue is whether I’m in the grips of a midlife crisis as I have made quite a few lifestyle changes that really only men grappling with what I like to call “manopause” tend to make when they reach my age. No, I haven’t purchased a sports car, I don’t flirt with women 20 years younger than me, and I haven’t started taking Metamucil (how could I not make that link orange?), but I have:

Britney feels my pain

Joined a gym — My neurologist told me a few years ago that I probably should lose some weight. I started using a calorie counter and eating healthier and over a period of about four years I managed to lose roughly 15kg (33lb). He’s happy with my weight loss, I now have a healthy BMI again, however, I set myself a weight goal, but my weight loss stagnated and I couldn’t get past a certain point and reach my target. My neurologist also told me I need to get more exercise, which makes sense as I do like to walk everywhere, but when you work from home like I do there are days where you are almost completely sedentary besides the occasional dog walk. I figured a little extra exercise might reduce my seizures, get me to shed those extra couple of kilograms I’ve been trying to ditch, and may also be able to help remedy my sleeping problems and seemingly constant lower back pain so there was really no reason not to start going to the gym. Besides, it did help a bit when I was going to one when we lived in New York. In the three or four months since I joined, I’ve lost an additional 4kg (8.8lb) doing cardio work and went over two months without having a seizure. My back pain was a lot better too, until I pulled a muscle in my lower back when I did eventually have a seizure again.

Started eating healthier — This one I started doing when I first got told by the neurologist that I should lose a bit of weight. I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted and not gain any weight, but now my epilepsy medication causes weight gain and I’m not playing any sport anymore. I mentioned the calorie counter earlier, but I know people who work out and then go to KFC afterward, making the exercise seem kind of redundant so I’ve been taking what I eat, especially for lunch, a little more seriously. Most days I’ll just have either a litre (33.8 fl. oz.) of home made fruit and vegetable juice of I’ll get some sashimi and sushi. But also, quite often I go to a place called Little Farms, a small cafe and grocery store in the mall below the gym, and get a salad or chicken with wild rice, something like that to take away, but some things aren’t always available, life doesn’t always go as you’d expect, and Anna will never let me live this one down so I may as well give you the details: A TV show I have always loved is The Young Ones, the storyline described on IMDB as:

Four mis-matched university students share a house in North London: Neil, the hippy; Mike, the cool person; Rick, a would-be anarchist studying sociology; and Vyvyan, the punk medical student who is prone to extreme violence. Together with their bastard Russian landlord, the world of these “bachelor boys” is surreal and violent, but ultimately hilarious.

Neil (left), is a vegetarian and always gets forced to cook for all of his housemates, which generally turns out to be lentils. Now, I had never eaten a lentil before until a few weeks ago and I don’t think I will bother eating them again, either. It was kind of late when I got to the gym that day so when I finished there wasn’t a whole lot to choose from for lunch at Little Farms, yet I couldn’t be bothered going anywhere else so I opted for the lentils with cauliflower and broccolini. I definitely cashed in my man-card that day. Anna came home to see me shovelling spoonful after spoonful into my mouth out of my box of tasteless misery-sand. In what was similar to a moment out of Peep Show, Anna asked me what I was eating, to which I answered that it was lentils. She laughed and said “Wow, you must be really enjoying them!” However, nothing could be further from the truth. “No, I just shut my eyes, put as much in my mouth and swallow, but whenever I look back at the box it seems like there’s still the same amount left,” I said in defeat. Anyone that reads this blog regularly knows that I will try eating anything at least once, but I don’t think I’ll have lentils again to see if I was mistaken and I doubt Anna will ever let me forget that I tried them in the first place.

Started using anti-hairfall shampoo — Since I’ve been exercising more, I’ve obviously been sweating a lot more too and in the Singapore climate that isn’t a good thing, especially for your hair. Due to this, I was getting kind of gross things growing on my scalp so I opted for Head & Shoulders. Hey, if it’s good enough for Sofía Vergara, it’s good enough for me, but I instinctively bought the anti-hairfall variety. I’m not losing my hair, I mean, sure, I’ve got car parks, but not at a Phil Collins level yet, however, there is no point closing the stable door after the horse has bolted.

These three main points, and probably several others if I put my mind to it, definitely point to being on the cusp of a midlife crisis, but I haven’t sold out completely. I still love beer and meeting up with friends for a drink and my birthday just so happened to land on the first day of Beerfest Asia:

If I have to…

Sure, the Beerfest website for 2018 looks like it was designed by the same people who made Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (couldn’t resist the colours again), but it’s the event, not the page that counts. So how do the organisers describe Beerfest Asia? Like This:

Beerfest Asia Pte Ltd is co-owned by lifestyle company, Timbre Group and Sphere Exhibits. Beerfest Asia Pte Ltd is set up to initiate and spearhead the beginnings of the only and largest beer festival in Southeast Asia. The idea behind Beerfest is the experimentation process of finding and enjoying beers that consumers may never, otherwise encounter locally. It is also a trade event for industry colleagues to exchange dialogue and promote their products. With plans to grow the festival in the region, Beerfest Asia Pte Ltd is committed to develop the festival to become the premier beer marketplace in Asia. 2018 marks the 10th edition of the festival.

Okay, that makes it seem a little wanky, but to me it is a chance to try a bunch of new beers and this year there were apparently over 600 different beers available. This obviously wasn’t our first time at Beerfest, not by a long shot. In fact, we go almost every year:

With Liam Collins at Beerfest 2011

At Beerfest 2012

With an angry German guy at Beerfest 2013

With Rik Mayall at Beerfest 2014

Drinking out of bags with Anna and Elaine Ang at Beerfest 2017

It turns out that those are the only five occasions where I’ve taken photos at Beerfest or at least haven’t drunkenly deleted them, but if we’re in Singapore and Beerfest is on, I’m there. I went to the first six Beerfests, but we were overseas in 2015 and 2016, but haven’t missed one since then. Also, if you look at the photos from 2013 and 2014, you’ll notice a pattern — I’m wearing a horrendous lederhosen t-shirt and there is a reason for that. I wore it as a joke to Beerfest several times prior to those pictures, but in 2013 some German guy (above, in the real lederhosen) initially found my t-shirt offensive and wanted to fight me, but eventually came around so I’ve made it a point to wear my lederhosen t-shirt to the Saturday session of Beerfest ever since. The irony of the situation was that I bought that t-shirt when we went to Oktoberfest in Munich, Germany in 2010! I had wanted to get real lederhosen there, but they’re really expensive. You can get secondhand ones, but who knows what type of rash you’d get from secondhand leather shorts, plus, they’re still really expensive, so I just bought the t-shirt and a cheap hat, but Anna still bought a real dirndl that year:

Oktoberfest in Munich, Germany, 2010

Anyway, most years at Beerfest are quite fun, but the 2017 event had been a bit of a letdown; It was held in a convention centre, there wasn’t much of an outdoor area, just a T-shaped arena of tables with a stage at each end with cover bands playing. I remember walking from one section to another to buy a beer and both bands I had passed had been playing Karma Police by Radiohead at the exact same time! This year’s Beerfest was at a new location, near Gardens by the Bay, so hopefully that would be an improvement on the previous year, but there was one thing that was certain to suck — The entertainment consisted of cover bands of two of my most hated groups, Coldplay and U2. Only time would tell how this one would pan out…

Thursday, August 30, 2018 Thursday started out like any other day; I got up, made a cup of coffee, and scrolled through Facebook while watching CNN. I also saw that I had a couple of new WhatsApp messages from Anna:

Oh yeah, that’s right, it was my birthday. I honestly couldn’t care less about my birthday if I tried and I generally tend to forget it when it arrives, as I had again this year. In fact, one year when I was still teaching at GEOS I arrived at work and there was a birthday cake on the counter in the staffroom. I nonchalantly asked Kristina, the then head teacher, whose birthday it was. “Haha, very funny,” was her sarcastic reply until she realised I was deadly serious. “It’s yours,” she then said in the most deadpan manor. Oh, cool, free cake. Thank you. Anyway, for some reason people had been randomly wishing me a happy birthday for the previous two weeks, but the day was now here, however, there wouldn’t be any cake this year, although Anna did consider getting me a sushi cake, but you have to order them ahead of time. Instead, I went to the gym for an hour or so and then Anna messaged me to meet up with her for lunch in Chinatown. When I arrived she pointed out that the t-shirt I was wearing was enormous, one that once fit perfectly that I used to wear all the time, but since I’ve lost weight now swims on me, giving me the appearance of a Juggalo who hasn’t put his face on yet. We eventually stumbled upon The Populus, a cafe with some great coffee and some pretty decent food and that was lunch sorted. Anna went home to continue some work she had to do so I walked around the corner to one of my favourite music store, Hear Records, to pick myself up some birthday presents. As I have mentioned before, I also have a weird situation where I share my birthday with my father-in-law. We met up with them on the previous Sunday for an early birthday dinner, but Anna’s mother was messaging us to see if we wanted to go for the launch of a book written by one of Anna’s cousins called Crippled Immortals, an event that was happening at Books Actually, a great little bookstore just behind where we live. We were unable to Attend because Anna had to go to dinner with some colleagues and then it was on to Beerfest!

The plan was to meet up with a couple of Anna’s friends, Elaine and Kamei, and another friend of ours, Yarny, would meet us there later. We arrived, got us some beer credits due to them not accepting cash, and then we were in, eventually meeting up with Kamei and Elaine. The layout this year consisted of three main tents and some outdoor seating:

Fortunately, it wasn’t too busy so we made our way up to the Hilltop Arena, grabbed some complimentary welcome beers and then had a look around. There was a stall selling Korean liver snacks so we bought a pack and that allowed us to have a go at shooting darts at a target to win credits. The girls insisted I do it and I apparently shot quite well, winning us an extra few bags. We pulled up a seat, ate our snacks and drank our beers, but soon I needed another so I had a look around and stumbled upon Canadian Craft Beer, owned and run by Scott Scheuerman, a former colleague of mine at GEOS back in the day. I had seen him working there previous years, but completely forgot about his company until I ran into him again. It was great having a chat and would definitely be seeing a bit more of him over the coming days.

“Beer Syrup.” Sounds legit…

There was a cover band on in the Hillside Arena that weren’t too bad, just playing a variety of stuff, but we also wanted to see what else was available so we went down to the East Arena, Yarny messaging me almost upon arrival to ask where we were. I found her and then we grabbed more beers and some food from the stalls within. Most Asian beers are pretty good, although you can find some terrible things like the Chinese one our friends, Tom and Leonie, found in a restaurant over here recently (right), but there was a ton of great regional stuff available including a rauchbeir from Hong Kong called Oh, Bacon that genuinely smelled like ham, another that was legitimately like drinking mango sticky rice, as well as some awesome European beers like the unexpectedly great ones from Lithuania that I found. But of course, the girls’ favourite brewery was one at my expense, Gweilo. Why “Gweilo” I hear you ask? Well, here’s the definition:

gweilo

(n.) vaguely pejorative Cantonese slang for foreigner. Translations differ depending on who you ask. Apparently it was once meant to mean “foreign devil” (an extreme insult), but usually these days is said to mean “ghost man” due to white foreigner’s pale skin and is used as a general term to mean foreigner. Gweilos get upset about being called this. Chinese think it’s no big deal.

I think it’s no big deal either and besides, this brewery was started by a couple of British guys living in Hong Kong. In fact, when we first moved to Tiong Bahru, Singapore nearly 11 years ago, I was one of the only white guys in the entire neighbourhood. Fast-forward to 2018, the area has been gentrified and now Anna is almost the minority. When they were building a massive apartment block across the road from my local pub, Coq & Balls, Anna and I came to the conclusion that they should also build a giant Jebediah Springfield-style statue of me looking over the area with simply O.G. engraved in the base — “Original Gweilo.” Anyway, it was soon time to check out the final tent, the West Arena, and as soon as we entered I knew we wouldn’t be leaving there unless it was to go home. Why? Because it was the only one with air conditioning and if you’ve ever spent time with a group of Singaporean women on their home turf, they will sacrifice anything to be in aircon. Although being a Thursday night had meant the festival as a whole hadn’t been too busy, this tent was packed, but we still managed to find seats, thanks mainly to four of our posse lacking a ‘Y’ chromosome. It was really loud and we couldn’t hear ourselves speak, but we still made it work. Then my worst fear came true; Viva Coldplay, a Coldplay tribute band hit the stage and they were worse than expected, but it was funny watching some drunk local guys trying to look gangster while singing along with f___ing Coldplay! Anyway, we still had some fun, but soon it was time to leave so we all jumped in line for the porta-loos, then caught a cab home. Some scenes from the night:

Gameface on while shooting for snacks in my Steve Buscemi shirt

The rauchbier

That pretty much applies to all beers

One of the Lithuanian IPAs

The O.G.

A special beer in honour of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un’s visit to Singapore in June

A sticker I received with mine

Chatting with Anna

Who needs to be told not to drink the water out of a porta-potty?!?

Friday, August 31, 2018 Friday was just a regular Friday for me. I took it easy during the day, Anna had organised a leadership training seminar and training day for work so after that she had dinner with some of the people involved, followed by going out for some drinks with them. That just meant I did my usual Friday night thing; went down to Coq & Balls and hung out with my drinking buddies, Anna joining us later on. Several of these guys were planning to join me at Beerfest the following day, Yarny even going to the extent of buying multiple She-Pees in order to make the toilet situation a little less traumatic for herself, Anna, and any other female friends that were to be in attendance.

Saturday, September 1, 2018 Saturday was here, the day that Anna, Myself, and a bunch of other friends were going to head down to Beerfest for some day-drinking and associated mischief, however, there was one small problem — It had been pissing down raining nearly all morning and early afternoon. A lot of people in Southeast Asia have unique reactions to rain. Many people from the Philippines, for example, have a strange conviction where they believe that if they get even slightly wet from the rain, they will get sick, absolutely no exceptions. Singaporeans, on the other hand, must think they are soluble because they lose their minds at the slightest hint of rain, possibly believing they will dissolve like a bath bomb if a single drop comes into contact with them! It can actually be quite amusing, especially during the torrential downpours in monsoon season when you see people who have forgotten their umbrellas try to cover their head with a tissue, only to have it diffuse into their hair, or the one person I saw who tried holding his bus ticket over his head! I have even seen letters written into the newspaper complaining that there are too may puddles when it rains! Maybe that was why when I walked down to Tiong Bahru Plaza to buy some lunch, it was the duty of an elderly cleaner to stand outside with a small brush and dustpan and try to sweep up the puddles… While it was still pouring!

Translation (German): “Same Table: Here sit those who always sit here.”

Anyhow, Beerfest was beginning at 3:00pm, but Anna was entertaining hospital guests at The Esplanade and would meet me there later. I streamed a couple of episodes of Maury until I heard from the others. For those of you that know the Coq & Balls “Stammtisch” crew over here, Yarny had decided to pull the pin because she was too hungover from the previous night, Leonie wouldn’t be able to make it either, but Tom, Simon, and Felix were coming, and TJ and a friend from Vancouver, Canada would be there are little later, so the She-Pees were kind of a waste of cash on Yarny’s behalf. To make things a little more interesting, Felix’s family are Bavarian so he was going to be resplendent in his traditional lederhosen, while I would be sticking with my own personal tradition and attending Saturday night at Beerfest in my lederhosen t-shirt. When I found out the others were on their way, I donned my outfit, jumped in a cab and headed to Beerfest for what I was expecting to be a fun afternoon, evening, and night. Tom, Simon, and Felix arrived, we grabbed our welcome drinks, had a look around the tents and ultimately opted for the outdoor seating at the Hilltop Arena. Although it was still daylight, there was definitely a completely different atmosphere to when Anna and myself were there on Thursday night. To begin with, it was exceptionally wet and muddy from all of the rain and everywhere we went we just got splashed by mud, I was so glad I didn’t wear thongs like I initially planned. Also, the general ambience of the event was completely different; Sure, Saturday was always going to be busier, we knew all along that we’d have to accept that fact, but people were also out to get hammered! In the first few minutes of being there I had walked past two different girls who were already crying and, as time passed, we watched as some of the locals’ complexions went more and more red with the more they drank. Another factor that doesn’t constitute a day-drinking environment is loud techno music playing in the background, Saturday afternoon beers are generally intended to begin as a low-key affair with a bit of bluesy-rock, potentially building up to something louder later on, but not blasting at 5:00pm. Still, we soldiered on. The four of us sat around our table drinking beers, eating some great char siew, and just chewing the fat when TJ and his friend made a brief appearance, disappearing to take a look around not long after, not to reemerge at Beerfest again. By now it was dark, it was still over 30°C (86°F) and extremely humid because of the storm earlier. Felix was sweating profusely through his shirt, soon discovering that authentic lederhosen are more conducive to an Alpine environment, as opposed to our equatorial one, and he was also having a little trouble with one of the already faulty buckles, which ultimately broke. Never fear, Felix turned out to be something of a German pants MacGyver and had the situation covered. We were now sharing our table with a group of extremely shy younger girls who had refused to even look in our direction after coyly asking if the seats were taken, but Felix saw that they had something he needed; the girls had finished eating satay skewers and if he could get his hands on one of those old sticks, his buckle dilemma would be sorted. “Excuse me, ladies, could I have one of your sticks?”, he inquired. One of the girls nervously replied that they were dirty, but Felix wasn’t swayed. “They’re for fixing lederhosen, they’re supposed to be dirty.” The girls passed their plate of used skewers over, a shared disgusted expression on all of their faces, and Felix got to work repairing his buckle and maintaining his dignity.

The mud, crowd, sweat, and horrible backing soundtrack that was not dissimilar to that of a construction site were getting to all of us, but then things got worse — Viva Coldplay, the Coldplay tribute act, started playing loudly in the Hilltop tent right next to where we were sitting. I am biased because I can’t stand Coldplay, but these guys are seriously shit! The vocalist can’t sing and the entire act sounds like something you might hear come runner up in a high school talent show in a small country town or maybe playing a junior rock eisteddfod, not Asia’s premier beer festival. Admittedly, they covered up the sound of the techno, but they were unbearable and we could now barely even speak to each other. It was official, Viva Coldplay were the straw that broke the camel’s back. Everyone decided to use up their remaining credits, drink what they got in return as quickly as possible, and head to Coq & Balls, however, for me there was just one problem; Anna was in the general vicinity of Beerfest for her work function and said she wouldn’t be too much longer, plus she had a ticket so I opted to stay. I mentioned earlier that my lederhosen t-shirt really pissed off a German guy back at Beerfest 2013, but I never anticipated that same shirt transforming into sexual dynamite in a mere five years. I had women coming at me from all angles, asking about the shirt, where I got it, giggling and saying how cute it was. The crowd was really deep now, so I had to line up for while at beer and food stalls. I got in line to buy some skewers and struck up a conversation with the people behind me, an American guy and his Australian girlfriend. They were talking to me about the shirt, laughing, and when my food came they insisted they pay for it! I thanked them, offered them some of what I was eating, but they refused. Next, I lined up for a beer at a nearby stall and when I tried to pay, the American guy working there said, “Dude, you’re not paying for anything with that shirt! And you’re not lining up anymore, either.” Looks like hassle-free beers are on the house for the night. Between the guys leaving for Coq & Balls and Anna’s arrival, there was about an hour of just random people, mainly attractive women far out of my league, approaching me about the shirt, like it was attached to some kind of oestrogen conduit. Anna eventually arrived and I explained to her the powers of the shirt, stating that if I were single, I wouldn’t be anymore, however, she had her doubts. Her skepticism was immediately quelled when I walked over to get beers for the both of us and was immediately approached by a guy and a group of girls on the way to the stall and then by an extremely attractive German girl on the way back, all wanting to know more about the shirt. We couldn’t find a seat so we stood around, drinking and laughing about the power of my lederhosen t-shirt, and I told her that everyone else had left. Anna said that she wasn’t really feeling up to sticking around, plus she had to work again in the morning. I was fine with leaving too, but the only problem was how I would cash in my remaining credits if nobody would let me pay for anything! We decided to spend the credits at Scott’s Canadian Craft Beers stall, asking him not to open the drinks, and just stuffed them all into Anna’s handbag. We caught a cab home, she just wanted to watch a bit of TV and then go to bed, but she insisted I join my friends at the pub so in order to keep the peace, I did what she said, it’s just easier that way. A quick look at Saturday night at Beerfest:

Felix’s buckle dilemma

The master at work

Sorted!

TJ and his Canadian buddy whose name I can’t recall

Give in, ladies… Give in to your urges…

Sunday, September 2, 2018 Sunday was not a standout Sunday for Anna or myself, but that rule didn’t apply to everyone. We just had lunch with a few people that were in town for Anna’s seminar from Australia, Korea, and Taiwan. So, why am I writing about Sunday? Because it was a big day for Yarny. This story begins a couple of weeks ago when I accidentally let the cat out of the bag. The machine I use at the gym has a TV on it and I was watching Wheel of Fortune while I was exercising and they showed an advertisement for MasterChef: Singapore. Normally I wouldn’t take any notice, but there was a familiar face that popped up a few times so I messaged the Stammtisch group and asked if Yarny was going to be a contestant on MasterChef. She replied that she had made it to the Top 18, but hadn’t really told anyone yet. She later posted her MasterChef profile from the Channel 5 Facebook page which read:

I had no idea that was her real name

Meet Weiyan!

The 30-year-old specialises in sensory neuroscience and neuroeconomics, and has worked in the science industry for 7 years. Both her parents were hawkers – hence her love for all things Asian and local cuisine!

Now that I had blown her cover and it was common knowledge, Yarny had decided to invite everyone down to Coq & Balls to watch the first episode. I think most of our friends went down, but Anna and myself were too tired and just watched it from home, watching Yarny do her thing in the kitchen, a passion of hers we didn’t really know anything about, and sending sarcastic messages to the group.

The subtitles read: “I am so tired”

Unfortunately, Yarny didn’t make it to the Top 10, but considering that she was rather hungover on the day of filming and had to do her own hair and makeup in the back of a taxi en route to the filming at Chijmes, I think she did a pretty damn good job!

Anyway, I had a great 39th birthday, had a blast at Beerfest on the Thursday, an okay, albeit amusing time there on Saturday, and will more than likely be there again next year if we’re in town. Thanks everyone for all of the birthday messages and phone calls, I really appreciated them. Also, a big congratulations to Yarny on her MasterChef: Singapore appearance. Now I’ve got to walk Anna’s luggage down to the Singapore National Eye Centre as she has to fly straight from work to Hanoi, Vietnam to give a presentation. I’ll be flying to Hangzhou, China tomorrow where she’ll meet me later that day for her conference, then we’ll fly back to Singapore on Saturday night. We’ll only be back a few days, then we’re off again on the Wednesday to Austria for four days and six days in Turkey so it may be a while until you hear from me again. Prost!

          My 39th birthday just happened to coincide with Beerfest Asia 2018. I guess I'd just have to accept it and move on with my life. I was born on August 30, 1979 and according to statistics, the average life expectancy for an Australian born at that time was 74 years, with 70.56 years for males and 77.62 years for women:

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It the one with errbody beatboxing and this FLii as dude driving around with his blue car. There is an old as asian dude beatboxing and a couple of hot chicks as well. pls pls pls ...show more

""How much does fire insurance cost, building damage insurance cost, more on details?

1.) Fire Insurance 2.) Building Damage Insurance 3.) Property Damage Insurance 4.) Any other insurances out there? Please name some for me. The building is 1000 sq. feet with only one floor. How much would insurance cost? HOW MUCH MONEY PER MONTH? Thanks so much!

Against my religion to have health insurance?

I live in the US and it is against my religion to have health insurance. If I will be forced to buy Obamacare, it will disrespect my God and I will never be allowed entry to paradise. I don't want to ruin my mortal life and my afterlife. Am I exempt from buying Obamacare now since it's very intolerant and hateful to force a man of God like myself to purchase this health insurance?""

Cheapest car to insure?

I'm not asking for lectures of any kind, I simply want to know what the cheapest cars are to insure. The Ford Ka is a cheap one. I don't want to be told there are no cheap car insurance, just the cheapest of them all. I'm a 17 year old male in Nov. Live with parents in a good area with no crime.""

Help me with a car tax/insurance question please?

I just bought a used car that isn't taxed I am trying to swap my insurance over to the new car but the problem is I heard you can't insure a car without it having car tax but whilst trying to tax it I read on the dvla website will this vehicle have valid insurance by the time the tax begins so what do i do first?

I have liability insurance on my vehicle...?

and early this morning as I was driving out of a parking structure I hit a light that I didn't see. I got out out of the vehicle to see any damages, there ware scratches on the front bumper, and the light appears to be fine but inside the light compartment, it was damaged, the bulb fell out of its place, the whole inside of the light was cracked. Will my insurance cover this? I tried calling my insurance and they're aren't answering. If they do, what do I do next? Go to a repairshop? Go to my insurance agent? WHAT?! If they won't, how much do you think it will cost to repair the light and the bumper? There are not dents, just scratches.""

Newborn Covered by Insurance?

My friend's baby was born one month early. She was in the NICU for 5 days due to breathing problems. My friend has health insurance and so does her fiance (seperate policies, different companies). The finance was going to cover the child when she was born. The insurance said she should have been pre-enrolled b/c nicu is not typical newborn charges... and the finances' insurance say they are not responsible until after the 14th (she was born a month earlier than that). jill said my insurance only pays if we are in the hospital the same amount of time.. if she stays longer she is a dependant and wasnt eligable to be added to the fiance's yet.. it makes no sense... and how could she be pre-enrolled.. The finance went in april and tried to add her to his and they said wait til she is born... and she came a month early according to my doc so how could she have added her to mine? The letter she got from the hospital said the baby is covered automatically under the mothers insurance for 30 days after they are born. So; who is responsible for the $26,000 bill for the NICU?""

Replace Old Car Insurance or Go With a New Policy?

I just bought a new car and quoted Progressive about replacing my old car with the new one, seeing how much a difference the premium would be. It got a little high, to say the least. When I tried just going through adding a new vehicle alongside the old one, the premium was about what I paid on the old vehicle originally, only with comprehensive and collision added. My question is, should I go with a completely different company rather than Progressive, let the old car insurance expire, and just get on a better rate elsewhere for new policy holders? I'd appreciate any help.""

What car ins is the cheapest? in california...?

What car ins is the cheapest? in california...?

Will a citiation for having my brights on raise my insurance?

And do I need to notify them? I have never had any other citations or anything else.

""1.6L car for 17 year old, what company insures this size engine for new young drivers?""

UK i cant seem to get insurance for a 1.6L car, ive tried 2 companies and they say get something 1.4L or less. ive already got this 316i so i dont want to sell it for another, what insurance company should i try? DONT say 'go to gocompare.com' or 'confused.com' or 'comparethemarket.com', ive tried all that.""

No minnesota auto insurance?

if i dont have auto insurance will i loose my drivers license and for how long i live in mn.if im caught

I got a ticket in my friends car..will it affect her insurance?

okay so yesterday i got a ticket in my friends car..and the cop said i might have to go traffic school or i might just get lucky and just have to mail something back when my ticket comes into the mail hopefully that's wat happens but anyway im just wondering does my getting a ticket in her car mean her insurance goes up? or anything happen to her sinces its her car?? i havent even told her i got the ticket yet lol i was hoping that i could just hide it but my friend said her insurance will go up because of me :(

Car accident no insurance?

Long story short- we were in a car accident because this lady was trying to turn left over a double yellow line into the gas station and we hit her from behind. Well we didnt have car insurance at the time because my hubby was out of work for 3 months and you pick and choose your bills at that time. So, the cop gave us a ticket and we did a little damage on her car. Her insurance company called and said we are supposed to pay 1500.00 to fix her bumper. Well they said that we can pay a big lump-sum now and they wont take us to court or we can do payments. NOW- i understand that we need to pay for her damages, my question is that can they garnish my husband wages now that he is back at work. Or if we go to small claims court will the cost will be more then what they are offering? I DO NOT think she had that much damage. I took many photos.""

Cheapest car insurance - 17yr male?

Pretty much says it in the question - what insurers do you go with, how much does it cost you, what car do you have. Full license.""

Do Muslims pay more for insurance?

I live in Slough, Bucks. My car insurance is very expensive due to where I live. Some insurance companies wont even provide insurance at all in my area. I looked at a map at an insurance brokers that showed high risk areas and I have noticed that the high risk/expensive areas happen to have a high Muslim population. Are the government aware of this.""

How much does it cost to insure a 08 corvette for a 21 year old?

I currently have a mustang gt 2007 i pay $465 a month for the car payment and $230 a month for the insurance. Now i am graduating with a engineering degree next year and my salary will double so i can afford about a $700-800 car payment and about $300-400 monthly insurance payment. Will this be enough to own a 08 corvette over 60months? I would like to hear from those who actually own a corvette or those who work for a insurance company but any educated response is ok. Thanks in advance

Does anyone use CHIP health insurance for their child?

I will be taking a new job with a small company that does not provide insurance, so we'll be buying our own. The only problem with this is that my 2 year old son was recently diagnosed with epilepsy, so nobody will cover him (or it costs a TON.) So we're considering putting him on CHIP, which is PA's state health insurance program. Anyone else use this? I'm very curious about the waiting period before he would be covered.""

Tee Motorcycle insurance?

I'm 17, I live in Arlington TX, I have A's and B's with a few C's (my parents told me they look at grades. True?) I'm Looking at buying either an older honda shadow, probably around 750 cc or an older Kawasaki Vuclan (same). THe bikes will be pre-2000, and I will be getting bare minmum insurance. Can anyone guess at the rate?""

How much would it cost approximately to insure a commercial van in the UK?

For the purpose of a university business plan i need to know very approximately how much it would cost for a small company to insure a second hand van , sort of like this one http://vans.autotrader.co.uk/used-vans/mercedes-benz/vito/2006/at8a6ab63235e7d22b0135ee88617f51e1/mercedes-vito-109-cdi-long-air-conditioning-diesel - so a few year old , good condition aporx 50-100 thousand miles on it bought second hand for about 5-7K , i literally need to know what ball park w're talking , 500ish? 1000? more , less? I have no idea... thank you""

State funded autk insurance for low income?

just wondering if there is a texas program for low income disabled people to get auto insurance coverage

My car was considered a loss. how do insurance co. determine how much to pay for the car? 2001 toyota carolla

A four door CE model. No major problems some small scratches and dents.

Why are older motorcycles cheaper to maintain and cheaper on insurance?

looking to buy a 1987 Suzuki Intruder

How much would i have to pay for insurance driving a small ninja 250r? I'm only a teen...but i love bikes.?

Im a 16 year old guy who will soon get his drivers license, but quite frankly im not too thrilled about being able to drive. I love driving and all, but i really enjoy riding a bike. I used to ride motocross too. I had a kx100 until my parents had to sell them because of their divorce. I used to ride with my dad on his ninja zx11, and i had the best time on it. He always told me insurance would be sky high for someone my age if i were to have, say, a cbr 600f4 or something similar( i dont want a 1000, not now). He then told me a good first bike would be a 250 ninja or cbr. I thought they were kinda gay at first, but considering insurance and such i really am considering it. But first, i need to get some quotes...give me an average please i dont know what insurance my parents are on.""

Cheapest California Auto Insurance?

Any One Can Tell Me The Cheapest California Auto Insurance

Stoddard Wisconsin Cheap car insurance quotes zip 54658

Stoddard Wisconsin Cheap car insurance quotes zip 54658

What company provides a life insurance quoting engine software to install in an insurance agency website?

I need a software where I can input one (or more) life insurance company rates. Preferably if I have the freedom to input any company and not pre-packaged ones. Thanks.

I'm 19 years old and I need insurance. How do I go about getting it?

I need cheap or free insurance

New Car/ Insurance.?

I just got a new car, and my mom needs to put me on her insurance. We are with State Farm, will she just go in and say what car it is? or will I have to go in with her with the car?""

How much do you pay for car insurance per year?

i pay $3000 a year on car insurance, im 22, female, 3 points on my license and drive a v8 mustang, red. progressive. NJ HOW MUCH DO YOU PAY? please put everything i put above, but for you, survey for college class. thanks for helping!""

Where can i get cheap car insurance for a new driver?

Where can i get cheap car insurance for a new driver?

I am looking for the website for the Illinois Insurance Auto Assigned Risk Pool?

This pool provides insurance for high risk drivers on a rotating basis.

How bad is insurance for a 17 year old with a stock 1979 datsun 280zx?

im buying my son a car soon and he found one stock average insurance cost? per month or annual

Why don't health insurance companies compete on price like car insurance companies?

I was watching TV (something I rarely do) this weekend, and I noticed a fair number of car insurance commercials from various companies. They were touting their high level of service and low prices, and urging consumers to investigate and switch to their company. How come this doesn't appear to happen with health insurance? Is it because employers, rather than the actual people insured, shop for insurance in many cases? Is it because auto insurers are allowed to compete more freely across state borders? Are the basic expectations different when it comes to health insurance? Or, does competition already exist in the health insurance industry but the product is so much more expensive no matter what? Serious answers appreciated. Thanks.""

Cheap motocycle insurance?

Ive got 1 claim and 1 conviction so finding insurance is hard enough does any one where i can find the cheapest cover for my bike its a 125cc bike and im 18 please help

What is the cheapest auto insurance company?

looking for a very affordable auto insurance quote/payment per month. Anyone knows? please and thank you.

""Thinking of buying Subaru Impreza WRX, What are upkeep/maintenece and servicing costs/?""

I am thinking of buying an impreza and have tried to find info online about servicing and upkeep costs of them. I have been looking at both 2.0 wrx 03-05 models and also the newer 2.5 wrx 55-07 model (havent decided which yet!!). I have an insurance quote fro around 750 for both and I am happy with this. I have seen a few cars that I like. One of which is an 03 reg 54,000 miles. the other is the newer model 06 reg done 54000 miles and another of the same model thats only done 45000 miles. Can anyone tell me what the maintenece costs would be on this with doing about 6000 miles a year? When would the next service be due and what are the likely costs of these? Regards""

How much does the value of a car affect insurance for an adult?

I was just thinking about people with a low income that save for many years to buy an expensive car. Dont they still have really high insurance rates?

Can i put my car under my dads car insurance?

Okay so im 17 and getting a 1.1 litre care soon, my dad has no cars listed under his insurance but is a named driver on my mums car. Can i put my car under his insurance and sign the car as his in the log book and be a 2nd driver? how much extra will that cost a month ? hes been driving 27 year , thank you.""

How much will insurace cost me on a 2005 jaguar type s or on a 2006 audi A4?

want to get one of those cars but i want to have a idea of how much it will cost in insurance. i got 1 year with my license or it will go up on my dads name he has like alot of years more then 30 with out accidents or anything. plz any info or if u have one of this cars. give me a idea of how much it will cost me or if u know any website i could find out. thanks. o ya the jaguar is a v6 3.0 and the audi v4 2.0. both leather i will get a bunch of chicks with this cars.

What would happen to health insurance companies if government take over the health insurance system?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I heard that Obama is trying to push a public health system that will allow everybody to have health insurance no matter what pre existing conditions he or she may have. If this is reached, what would happen to insurance carriers like Blue Cross, Blue Shield? Will we need these companies and health insurance agents?""

Best car insurance in NYC?

i live in NYC, BX and its' really crazy how much money they are charging me for car insurance. about 3000 for 6 months...:-( cause i have never owned a car...i am 35 now and still it's not going down...:-( any suggestions? and please don't say walk! :-)""

Mistake on insurance- value of car?

recently i was involved in a car accident where another driver drove into the back of my car and since then it has been written off. the problem is i undervalued the car on my insurance by accident (as it was a present and was unsure of the true value) can i explain this to the insurance company and get the money paid for the car? or will i just get how much i said the car was worth? thanks

Why are Americans so opposed to universal health insurance?

Virtually every Western industrialized nation has it, even Canada, and they are not more bankrupted than the US because of it. It seems like getting in the way of progress for the local population, really. So, what are the arguments of the people opposed to this reform? Thank You.""

Health insurance?

which health insurance is better?

What is the cheapest form of auto insurance?

What is the cheapest form of auto insurance?

""What is the best car insurance for Reno, NV?""

I am moving to Reno in August and will be switching car insurance companies. Wondering what people thought was the best car insurance company and if anyone know what type of cost I should expect on average. I am from NJ, so definitely hoping it will be cheaper than what I currently pay. Thanks!""

What is the usually price range for sports bike insurance?

I'm turning 19 in july and want to start riding. I live in california. so what do you guys think the price may be?

Health Insurance/Student emergency card help!?

I'm currently filling out a Student Emergency Information Card and I'm stuck on the Health Insurance portion... For the portion, it only says Insurance #, I have HealthNet but I don't know whether to write the group number or the subscriber number.. I'm kind of sure it's the subscriber one, but I need some assurance. Also, it asks for Medi-Cal straight after that with Yes/No.. How do I know if it's medi-cal or not?""

How much for dentures upper and lower and mini implants to secure both of them with no insurance in ohio .....

no insurance

I reasonly got layied off need my wife is haven a baby need to know about insurance?

i got layied off from my job im a union worker in nyc and i have to work a certin amout of hours to keep my heath insurance going . my term ends in june my baby is do in july there for i will not be covered when the baby is do . does any one know what i can do for covrage i have aetna ? is there anyway i can extend my insurance ?

Stoddard Wisconsin Cheap car insurance quotes zip 54658

Stoddard Wisconsin Cheap car insurance quotes zip 54658

What is the average Motorcycle insurance cost?

Not sure if these are necessary but 16 YO Female Probably Suzuki or Honda 2009 CRF Just estimate please. Don't tell me to call Progressive. If you have owned a motorcycle tell me what your price was. A good straight FWD answer. Thanks. Your source would be helpful too for Example- Motorcycle of 4 years Have a Harley

So what are the pros and cons of life insurance?

So what are the pros and cons of life insurance?

Should I cancel my car insurance to save my money?

Currently, I'm living in WA, I have a car in TX. But my family member in TX driving it, and there names are under insure by my car insurance. If I want to save money on my car's insurance. I need to ask my insurance remove my name out of car insurance; is that right? or there is no difference between keep my name on car insurance and remove my name out of car's insurance? Thanks""

Car Insurance parked hit and run question?

I have USAA as my auto insurance. Here's the back story. I was parallel parked alongside a street here in Atlanta and a car (more than likely) was trying to get out of his/her space and hit the left driver side bumper pretty hard (ruining the paint and loosening up the bumper pretty good...and cracking the tail light). This person did not leave a note. I have my 500 deductible. I also have uninsured motorists coverage. Right now USAA is saying that I will have to pay the $500 ded. Why couldn't they put it under the uninsured motorists coverage I have instead so I wouldn't have to pay a dime? Is it within reason to call them and ask for this issue to be adjusted? If so, what points can I make to insure I get the deductible taken care of under the uninsured motorists coverage? Thank you for your help!""

Best rate auto insurance?

i live in North york, On, CANADA i need best rate for auto insurance where i live""

Car Insurance COMPANY?

I HAVE 2004 FORD EXPLORER SPORT TRAC. I NEED A CHEAP INSURANCE,WITH COMPANY IS CHEAPER? I DO NT WANT TO PAY MORE THAN $ 100/130... THANKS FOR THE HELP.""

Car insurance which is the cheaper?

What is the cheap car insurance for like a 05 and truck or suv. My dad said Tahoe are really high. It needs to have 4 wheel drive.

Car insurance cost for a 17 year old male?

My son is fixing to get his drivers licence and I've been told by people that it is very exspensive for him to have insurance. Can anyone tell me the average a young new driver has to pay ?

Im 18 years old and just got a ford focus and i want to get liability insurance on it how much would it cost?

Im 18 years old and just got a ford focus and i want to get liability insurance on it how much would it cost?

How's insurance for an old model Lexus SC300 or SC400 (1990-1995)?

I'm 17 and getting my first car. Im a good student. Ive picked out either a Lexus SC 300 or 400 around 1992ish. I like the car but I just want to know if insurance would be very costly for eiher of these, considering it is luxury. I know insurance for cars like the Nissan 300zx is really ridiculous. How would this insurance compare? And please, dont recommend other cars to me because I have already decided on one of these, just give me an idea of insurance costs. Thanks""

California State Disability and Insurance?

Hi, I am trying to figure out how much of a % I will be getting back from the state. I have short term disability but I havent called them yet to figure out how much I will get every month. Also, I have insurance through work and apparently not all the hospital fees are paid for. For example, my coworker just had a baby and cost her about $1500 out of her own pocket. Altogether was $9000 (rest was billed to the insurance). My doc is telling me I might have to have a C-Section. How much do those usually cost? What the heck is the point of having insurance if there not even going to pay for crap! BTW I am 29 weeks""

""Car Insurance, Borrowing a friends car?""

So a friend of mine is letting me borrow his car for three months. now the problem is insurance. We dont know what to do. He has full coverage insurance with statefarm but said that he cant simply add my name to the insurance because if i get into an accident and get sued, his parents (who the car is registered too) will have to pay for the liability. what i'm confused about is if he has full coverage, and my name is under their insurance, wouldnt the insurance company pay for it and not his parents? His suggestion says that the only way i can borrow the car and cover all liability and contingencies is if he transfers (or 'sells') the car to my mom, so the car can be registered under MY parents name rather than his, so in the case of being sued, my parents would have to pay for the damages. what to do!?!? HELP!""

Why is my car insurance so outrageous?

I live in Massachusetts and it is more than 3000 per year (252 per month). I am 18 so i have only been driving for a little over two years and i understand the inexperienced driver thing, even though i have never had an accident or fender bender or anything. Anyway, when will this go down? I want to purchase a home within the next year or two, and i dont have a huge income so this takes a large chunk. I know that it varies by state so would i be better off in Connecticut? I know it is cheaper there but by how much... and what does your state have to do with it?""

What is the best health insurance in california?

i could either choose blue cross hmo or ppo or kaiser hmo..not sure which is best?

What happens to your health insurance if you get sick & can't work?

What if you have health insurance and something happens where you get so sick you can't work, so you can't pay your health insurance bill each month since you can't go to work anymore. Will your health insurance be active while your sick and out of a job? Or will it shut off since you stopped paying the monthly bill since you weren't able to work? I don't get it, why would someone buy health insurance if when they actually get sick, the health insurance will be canceled? What if I break my leg, and can't work...and in 3 months of not working my health insurance gets cancelled...but it takes 6 months to heal your leg. I don't get it.""

What is a good insurance I could get for my mom? She's bipolar and schizophrenic.

Medicines are at ridiculous prices for mental illness... we're paying over 1,500 a month in medications. Is there anything that could help? Aside from medical(might get denied). We live in california.""

Can you sue someone if they hit your car and you don't have car insurance?

I was in kroger parking lot and a lady backed out and hit my car. we both got out of the car she ask me if i wanted her insurance and i said yes but would this do me any good if i don't have any insurance? She said we'll just send me the bill. She gave me her address and phone number. But when i called her to tell her the estimate she said she was not paying for it. it happen on private property so can i sue her even if i don't have insurance?

Insurance Coverage?

My boyfriend and I found out not too long ago that I am pregnant, we plan to marry before the birth. Will I be covered on his insurance once married or will my pregnancy be deemed as a pre-existing condition? Any info is appreciated! Thanks!""

""How much is your full coverage insurance cost? 19 year old, 2 speeding tickets, live in WA, for Celica GTS?""

I know it varies from place to place, based on driving record, car, etc, etc etc. Im just looking to get average insurance costs. I am 19 years old, I have two speeding tickets (both 30 mph over), student, live in WA, insuring a clean title 2003 Toyota Celica GTS. What are you paying on average for similar discriptions.""

17 year old male car insurance!?

I am 16 (soon to turn 17) and I already have my lessons and car sorted out. If I passed my theory and practical test first time I am looking at getting a 1.0L Toyota Yaris in mid-September. I live in Blackpool (UK). I have been looking at quotes and insurance companies for ages but I can't find a consistent price. I was wondering (roughly) how much my insurance would be with and with-out a black box and any ideas for which insurance company to go for?

Would my car insurance price go up?

I got 2 speeding tickets in a matter of 5 months. 1 in May and 1 in the beginning of October. In California, you're not eligible to take traffic school for 18 months when you complete it. Would this not being eligible to take traffic school increase my car insurance price?""

Would applying for car insuance quotes give a bad record?

I'm searching for car insurance but I am not sure if applying for a quote online will give me a bad record. Like applying for a credit card does you know.

How much money would it cost to get car insurance im 18?

my grandmother is wanting to add me onto her insurance and let me drive her car, how much is it going to cost she has nationwide and the car is a 2001 honda accord lx sedan 4 cylinder i also never had a permit and im just going to get my license after i get my insurance, im white and a guy. Thanks for the help its much appreciated.""

What type of sports bike should I get for great MPG and low insurance?

My Lexus RX350 is eating up my gas money and I want a motorcycle to have some fun on while saving some gas. I am 5'7 and am a beginner taking a bike safety course that teaches me how to ride safely. I am looking for a bike that gives great MPG and something that will not cost me an arm and an leg for insurance. I'd also want something sporty and great on the HWY. I live in Southern California so there'll be lots of HWY driving and some streets. Thanks

How much will my car insurance go up after my exhibition of speed (racing) ticket?

He didn't write down a speed or anything on the ticket. I'm 17 and have allstate if that helps.

Stoddard Wisconsin Cheap car insurance quotes zip 54658

Stoddard Wisconsin Cheap car insurance quotes zip 54658

What insurance should i get....?

I need to find the best insurance that is gonna be the cheapest. i checked qoutes on progressive and i got a qoute for like 500-600 dollars a month which i feel is too much! what insurance would you reccommend for young drivers? Ive had my liscense for a year and a half and have two points on it

Honda CBR 125r... Insurance price for a 17 year old?

(UK!) I'm really interested in motorbikes, and in 18 months - the painful wait - I am looking at buying my first bike, a Honda CBR 125r. Due to the low horse power of the bike, I can ride it with just a CBT after my 17th birthday if I'm not mistaken, which will reduce my costs as I won't need to take lessons and a test. With leathers, helmet, boots, gloves, CBT, as well as the bike, I worked out I would need to save at least 2200... However, I have no idea what insurance would be. I understand insurance prices fluctuate according to location etc, but I have no idea at all. So even a completely rough estimate, even if it could be out by 150 would be useful. Thank you for reading, hope you can help. :-)""

Umbrella insurance?

instant quotes for the stand alone umbrella insurance in california

Help PLEASE!! Auto Insurance Question?

I have a question concerning auto insurance. I recently totaled my vehicle at no fault of my own. Long story short the insurance company is offering me a few thousand more than Kelly Blue Book states the vehicle is actually worth. But what theyre offering is substantially lower than that which is outlined on the Declarations for Policy paper under value. Thing is, Ive verbally accepted the amount over the phone. Now theyre sending papers to sign over the vehicle. When I phoned the agency, I was informed by the assigned adjuster that he cannot offer more. I dont really believe him, afterall insurance companies are known for trying to take advantage of people. Heres the dilema, if theyre offering more than KKB and under the value on the policy. I assume theyre just trying to avoid paying what the real value is. Any help with this will be greatly appreciated. I have little knowledge in this, I just turned 22 years old and this was my first car.""

How much would insurance be in my situation?

i am 16 years old.. How much more would my car insurance be if i had a honda civic si coupe vs honda civic ex coupe honda civic si sedan vs honda civic ex sedan honda civic si coupe vs honda civic si sedan honda civic ex coupe vs honda civic ex sedan any answers to any of those 4 situations would be greatly appreciated! thanks.

How to get my baby health insurance?

So I am having a baby within the next few months. I am covered under my dad's health insurance because I am still under 26. I don't live with my dad though. I currently live with my fiance and my one year old son. My son is on fidelis/medicaid. Is there any way I can get my baby covered before I deliver her?

""When you get married, how do you get off of your parent's insurance, etc?""

My dad still has me declared as a dependant, and my car insurance and health insurance is on his. When I get married will these automatically change, or do I have to notify the insurance companies and tax people?""

How much is car insurance on a new 911 gt2 Porsche?

I am a 25 year old who recently became very successful in the automotive industry and I decided I wanted to get a Porsche. Now i know about how much it is to keep a Porsche maintained because i have worked on them but i am not sure on the insurance. Please help anyway you can. And for the record i am not getting a quote from any website because i do not feel comfortable giving away personal information to an insurance company before i decide to use them.

""What is an affordable used coupe for about $8,000 that wont be incredibly high on insurance?""

What is an affordable used coupe for about $8,000 that wont be incredibly high on insurance?""

Please can someone give me a normal price on car insurance for a new 2012 Ford Fiesta zetec S?

I'm 17 years old and a first time driver but cant fined a straight answer from car insurance websites.

Question on car insurance?

i have progressive and i was wondering if i would be able to swtich my insurance from one car to a different one. my current car got its sub frame pretty bent up and theres no fixing it. so im looking for a diff car. so when i do get my other car. will i be able to switch my insurance over to the new one?

Why is car insurance expensive for young male drivers than female drivers?

Why is car insurance expensive for young male drivers than female drivers?

Questions about car insurance?

Okay, so my car got stolen a couple of days ago. Who ever stole it ripped it apart and left it to get towed. It was a 1990 Toyota Camry. I paid $100/month for full coverage on the car, and I was told that I am not going to get anything from the insurance company for the car. How does that make sense? Am I just stupid or is there something wrong here?""

Car insurance young driver need help???

need my insurance to be 1500 or less ....any insurers would be a great help a few months ago a had a 1000 quote fully comp now i cant get lower than 2000. need help.

How long does it take for auto insurance to pay out for no-fault accident?

Hello - I was involved in an auto-accident in March of 2006 in which both insurance companies (mine and hers) agreed that it was the other party's fault and I was a zero-liability. Their insurance company (let's call them Venus , of ease) has asked for receipts ($1000 in rentals which my coverage does not cover), my deductible amount and any other amount which I had to put out (total is about $1,700). I have waited since April for them to pay me. I get letters from Venus every other week saying they are pending further investigation - but, I am at wits-end and want my money which I had to pay-out for an accident that everyone acknowledges is not my fault. Does anyone know what the law/rules are in California and how long they can take to pay after they find the other party is at fault? Also, what can I word in a strongly worded letter to get this finally paid. I dont want to hire lawyer for such a low amount - but, that extra 1700 sure would be nice at the moment. Thanks! Chris""

Everything auto insurance will ask you?

I had a car accident, the other driver's insurance company called me, and I need to know all the questions they would ask me personal or not. I know they will ask about the facts of the accident, but I want to know what personal questions(like age, health insurance, education, etc.)""

What is the average yearly cost for house insurance?

2 story home 100k 900 square feet Heated my electricity 2 car garage Decent neighborhood 3 bedrooms 2 bathrooms we are buying our first house. I am aware that prices vary, but I don't know where that range begins and ends. Any help great""

16 year old insurance for a moped UK?

Hey, i'm thinking of buying a moped but before i buy one, i need to make sure that the insurance won't be too expensive otherwise i won't be able to afford it. I will basically be using the moped to get to college and back home. Any ideas as to how much insurance will cost on average? I am currently 16 years of age and will be turning 17 in December 2013. I live out of london if that helps. Thanks in advance :)""

Affordable car insurance company?

Hi, I am looking for an affordable car insurance company. Have searched one Elephant.com. Is it a good company? Anybody heard about them or any experience with them? Please share........""

Looking for some cheap full coverage car insurance.?

Looking for some cheap full coverage car insurance.?

How Can a 17 Year old Teen Afford Car Insurance?

I am a 17 year old guy working on getting my first car. I was thinking possibly a 2000 Pontiac Sunfire, or a 2006 Saturn Ion. I had looked up a few quotes from Progressive and Esurance, and noticed that the semi-annual price was VERY high, way beyond anything my family could afford. I was wondering If anyone knew of a way that I could possibly afford this. Many of the quotes totaled at $800-$1000 per six months. This is outrageously high, and that was just insurance for an adult I had quoted. Adding a teen onto the insurance would be much more expensive. If anyone has any ideas on what I can do to cheat the system per say, or just find a nice and cheap affordable, reliable insurance company I'd be extremely grateful.""

What is the cheapest motorhome insurance to purchase online?

I just bought an older 26 ft. class c motorhome and need to get insurance just to put a plate on it so the city ordinance officer cant screw with me because it is parked in my driveway.I live in Michigan.I wont be using this until fall and dont want to insure this yet through my regular insurance carrier.Does anyone know of a online insurance company thats fairly cheap?

What would the minimal insurance be on a 2000 dodge dakota sport club cab 4x4?

For under insurance with a g1 driver ?

Cost to insure sport bike? Ninja 250?

I'm 18 in WIsconsin. Live in country-ish area. Or how do I find out? Call our family agent? Or just the insurance company.

My car insurance monthly rate is $92 how much is my down payment?

i need to figure this out through here if possible, i will pay $92 a month, state farm wants a down payment though they haven't gotten back to me with how much I'm going to need - I was wondering if anyone here might possibly know. Thank you.""

Stoddard Wisconsin Cheap car insurance quotes zip 54658

Stoddard Wisconsin Cheap car insurance quotes zip 54658

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/cheap-monthly-car-insurance-learner-drivers-michael-wilcox/"

[chemorygunko]

The dread of facing your 3D work and money obligations

The 3D life that I lived in order to get me to my current spiritual evolution was - by human standards - a traumatic fucking train wreck.

In all honesty, there’s very little of the ‘bad’ stuff that hasn’t happened to me… I’ve been homeless, bankrupt, committed to a suicide and depression ward for six months, had two nearly successful suicide attempts, survived a pregnancy and had a child on my own, drove myself to hospital in labour, lost my home and all my assets, lost my business, lost the love of my life, been defrauded, been cheated, been catfished, been abandoned, been rejected, worked in the sex industry, been abused and raped, battled an eating disorder, had countless medical issues, including chronic diseases like epilepsy and like 30 operations as a child…. and that’s not even the tip of the iceberg, to be honest.

Most people can’t listen to my life story for very long - it was pretty damn traumatic to say the least.

But you know what scared me the most, for the longest period of time in my life? Working a 9 to 5 job in an office environment.

Without fail, almost every single day I walked into those environments, I hated it.

I used to feel the most horrible dread building up in me when I had to go into work in the morning - but I never linked it to my ongoing depression, need for medication, constantly getting ill, and my lack of will to live at all. Somehow that connection escaped me.

But, once I was partway into my dark night of the soul, and all that stuff had been forcibly taken away from me, I realized how much happier I was without all of that around me - and what unnecessary pressure that all placed on my life…. pressure that was causing ongoing depression and suicidal tendencies.

I was fat, I was unhealthy, I was unhappy - and I felt trapped. I felt like I had no choice but to participate, because money is survival. You need money to live.

Money is survival

When your alarm goes off at what feels like an ungodly hour - somehow always just short of ‘enough’ sleep - and you reach over to turn it off, you don’t quite properly go back to sleep, do you?

I remember, often, waking up, and in that pause of the snooze alarm, doing a full scan… is there anything ‘wrong enough’ with me for me to call in sick today? Because, immediately, what I could feel was that I didn’t feel like facing the working world again that day.

And then mental calculation of sick days used begins, and you wonder if you can swing it…. and if you’re up for dealing with the heavy disapproval that you know your boss will have when you do go back to work?

But, you get up and go in anyway on most days, because you have to - because money is how you stay alive, and if you don’t have money, you can’t pay your bills.

And even though you’re earning money, it never quite seems to be enough… so even though this job is paying the bills (mostly, hopefully), you still sit with constant money worries.

This fact alone - that you still can’t make ends meet always - is enough to make you resent going into work.

More, more, more

That isn’t the end of it though, because when you get to work, you have to perform. Really perform.

The job market is tight and there are number of people who are waiting to take your job from you, and so you can’t afford to give your boss any reasons to question your value. And so you perform and push yourself, finding the energy reserves somewhere.

And you have to compete with colleagues around you, making yourself stand out, reaching for that next level - because monthly costs are ever-increasing and salaries are not keeping pace, and so the only way to improve your lot is to advance in your career.

This is a pretty tall order when you’re not competitively minded, and when you’re used to benchmarking against yourself.

And so you work like a dog all week, probably at night and over weekends too, and in the moments in between, you collapse in exhaustion, grateful simply to pay the bills, and with no energy left to do anything other than be a couch potato and sleep.

You’re wearing a mask

As tired as you are though, when you get to work, you aim to perform - you push yourself.

And that’s not the only mask you wear…

I had a friend who used to say…. “The irony of life is that we have jobs we hate, to earn money to pay for a house we need to live near enough to work, a car we need to drive to and fro from from work, clothes we’d only ever wear at work, and items we’d only ever use for work.”

We do a job we don’t like, to make money we don’t need, to impress people we don’t get along with.

You wear clothes you wouldn’t choose to wear if it wasn’t required. And these clothing items are uncomfortable and hot, and cost a lot of money in many cases.

You have to hide ‘unacceptable' parts of your appearance… and can kiss a corporate job goodbye if you have anything alternate, like tattoos and piercings.

You have to hide the unacceptable human parts of you as well…. your emotions, your reactions, your feelings, your religion, your lifestyle… or at least the parts of it that are not secular or the norm.

You pretend to be subservient to people you do not truly respect, and you have to be polite and friendly to people you really don’t like.

You can’t be loud, noisy or distracting, or talk about anything that others would deem as shocking…. which is a tall order when you are as naturally shocking as many of us tend to be.

All spiritual types carry a a strong rebel archetype - it helps us to break the boundaries and seek new ways of being that are outside of the norm, to stand on our own and get the extreme experiences that will become our growth path.

But this rebel archetype makes us take risks and chances, go into edgy topics and ideas; places the world naturally deems ‘shocking’, are, in fact, home base for souls like us.

The target on our heads

This is what I would classify as one of the “you’re not going insane, this is really happening to you” set of messages. In fact, I’ve had clients cry with relief when they receive this next learning.

There’s a saying in dating…. you can’t fake chemistry. The truth is you can’t fake any emotion really, because we understand them energetically, we know what they ‘feel' like.

The reason we all have these common understandings of emotion, is because we’re all connected to the morphic field, which is like the internet of everything and all information, floating all around us. Our bodies are like digital devices that upload and download information (content) from this internet.

Two articles on the morphic field for you to read:

http://lifecoachestoolbox.com/index.php/the-morphic-or-holographic-field-explained-the-missing-information-link-you-ve-been-looking-for-to-tie-the-puzzle-together

http://lifecoachestoolbox.com/index.php/creation-or-evolution-the-spiritual-answer-how-it-all-works

So one of the other interesting energy dynamics that takes place in the field is that higher energies are recognized automatically - and many of us spiritual types, we tend to have dominant energies.

Basically dominant energy means you are higher on the Human Consciousness Scale - read more at http://lifecoachestoolbox.com/index.php/the-human-consciousness-scale

This recognition automatically puts a target on our heads - and it’s why you feel like everyone is competing with and trying to one-up you… they actually are.

LOL…. you’re not paranoid; they really are out to get you.

Ego is all about identity and hierarchy - superiority or inferiority.

Read more on ego at http://lifecoachestoolbox.com/index.php/a-simple-analogy-to-understand-ego-with-7ps-of-ego-questions

So ego seeks to establish identities in an environment into a hierarchical structure - comparing elements and saying these aspects are superior to those.

Because ego doesn’t look for balance however, when it feels threatened (inferior), it seeks to rectify this by making itself superior again - by making the other identity inferior.

So yes…. your seemingly-evil boss is really out to get you and make you feel small in many cases.

For me, this realized right at the end of my adventures in the corporate world, as I was sitting in a company brainstorm session the one day.

If you follow my writing and teaching, you’ll know that I’m an ideas person, and this has always been the case. In fact I’m an advertising anomaly in this regard - I will keep on generating ideas until you make me stop.

So, sitting in a meeting with me, if you ask a question, it’s kind of like typing an instruction into Google… I return search results - really quickly.

And as we were sitting in the meeting, and I was putting forward a few throw away ideas, my then-boss turned around and looked straight at me and said, quite brutally, “Do you think we don’t know how smart you are?”

I was taken aback at the time - and really hurt and offended. So I stayed quiet… but the question stayed with me for a while.

For one, these were my throw away ideas, before I’d put any real thought into it - and this made me very aware of how much I intimidated the boss in question.

To be honest, if he was that intimidated by the throw away stuff, then the answer is no - he doesn’t know how smart I am. I’d be too scared to put in the mental effort around him and show him.

This same person had the habit of hearing my ideas and presenting them as their own a few days later, as well as constantly shifting goalposts and then belittling me because they’d changed what they wanted - again.

And so I also started asking myself - why did they have me there? It wasn’t because they were happy with my work - everything I did, they managed to find fault somehow.

It clearly wasn’t for ideas, because the fastest way to piss everyone off seemed to be to have lots of good ideas. Unless of course those ideas were delivered privately and someone could present them as their own…. and then it hit me like a ton of bricks:

I was there to make everyone else look smart. By looking stupid and being one-upped.

I’m smart and organized and efficient - and you’re not going to doubt that when you meet me. And that puts a massive target on my head, because when other people can show themselves as smarter than me, then that must mean that they are automatically the smartest.

By knocking me down from my inherent and energetic position of superiority, they assumed the superior role.

So, I realised, my job was actually to give ideas that other people could say no to, so they could feel smarter for knowing better than me.

This was why I had to give ideas even though they would be rejected or presented as belonging to someone else… they needed to knock me down in order to feel superior.

They didn’t want the actual work from me, or my mind applied to it; they wanted to say no to whatever I presented because they ‘know better’ and can see what I did wrong.

But it’s great to have me there as a back up in case they need someone to blame for it going wrong. Or to have someone to actually save the day.

Same reason your boss wants to micromanage you… it’s about creating as many opportunities as possible to remind you that they are superior to you and know better.

At this point I realized that I could no longer deal with corporate and I bowed out permanently.

Speaking of corporate…

Every day you are traveling with people, and walking into environments, that are focused on consumerism and making money.

That is what business is - to sell, you need buyers, and sales generate profits.

Sales and money.

But your mind doesn’t quite work like that anymore does it? And each time you evolve and change, it gets harder and harder to buy into that world.

Your life is getting simpler, and your needs are less - but somehow your monthly expenses and the cost of living still seem ridiculous, don’t they?

You don’t know how to feel serious about deadlines and month end anymore, because your view of time is changing.

You don’t feel the urgency to be punctual and time driven anymore, and this is also down to your changing perspective of time.

Each time you surge, and the rebel archetype grows in you, you find yourself getting more and more frustrated with bureaucracy and petty rules and admin… and oh wow, is there ever a lot of admin involved in just about every aspect of life today!

And it’s not just your company, because chances are you are working in an office building, and near a shopping mall… which is where you can escape to on your time off and lunch breaks.

So you’re surrounded by consumerism and people whose sole focus is money, and at the same time you’re trying to simplify your life and become more non-attached.

You’re learning new understandings and perceptions of time, and you’re trying to force yourself to stick to deadlines and schedules and month end… and doesn’t it always feel like the next month end is around the corner? That the next load of bills is due?

And then you’re walking into an office building concentrated full of people who are feeling similar to you, and don’t want to be there either, which is dragging the energy down even more.

And that same environment is entirely artificial…. no open windows, fresh air or natural light in most cases. And you don’t get anywhere near enough sunlight.

And not only are you constantly sitting underneath electric lights (which messes with your crown chakra), you’re surrounded by electrical devices and EMF frequencies such as wifi and mobile networks.

All of this to (hopefully) pay your bills and make it to your next paycheck…. and you wonder why you feel depressed and that life isn’t worth living?

Or you wonder why you can’t seem to get excited and motivated about life?

Career and purpose… we’ve been sold a lie

This is one of the ugliest deceptions we face - that a career is a gift and that it can be your purpose.

"If you do what you love and it’s your purpose, then you will never work a day in your life.” What hogwash!

I do what I love - I live my spiritual journey and help other advanced souls. But it still feels like work - damn hard work at times.

The worst part of that pressure though? The monthly income required.

I noticed this when I first started my own business and was really responsible for my monthly income generation - month end always seemed to be coming up.

I remember saying, a few times in fact, that the only day I could rest was the afternoon of payday: the next day I was immediately back to start meeting the next month’s salary bill.

Because even if you don’t get “lucky enough” to find your career-purpose-passion, you still have to earn a monthly income… and that has become the main point of a job for everyone: monthly income.

It’s only about money and reward nowadays - and it has to be, because the costs just keep rising, exponentially.

There’s no time to think about anything else except meeting quotas and targets, making payroll, meeting expenses.

And when you spend so much mental time and energy focused on something so overwhelming, like survival and money, it becomes an all-pervading habit that seeps into every single area of your life.

So even when you do take the rare time off to rest and try and rejuvenate, you don’t seem to rest. Your inner voice and mental process are running rampant with the thoughts you’ve entrained into it, and you just can’t stop focusing on survival and money.

And since likability ensures your survival at a societal level (read more at http://lifecoachestoolbox.com/index.php/what-is-the-system ), you are constantly making yourself smaller, fitting into a smaller box, and shaving parts of yourself off to be more likable, to not rock the boat, to not cut off the steady supply of income you need to ensure your survival.

And you wonder why you’re unhappy with your life… why you’re depressed?

Money has become your all-consuming master, and it’s conflicting with the changes that are happening inside you.

The best advice I can give you? Surrender - do NOT resist this change.

Yes, there will be upheaval… you may quit your job on the spot - I did a few times. You may have to move somewhere smaller, take a less stressful job, or one closer to home.

You may have to adjust your lifestyle, send your kids to public school, forgo insurances, lose assets… but if that train has started rolling in your life, there’s very little you can do to stop it.

So surrender, because you are only going to cause yourself endless pain - and extend this period for way longer than it needs to be - if you resist it.

I can tell you that you will be grateful it’s all gone on the other side, but the transition will feel like hell at times.

Pain tells you where to look

These elements of life that are causing us unhappiness are there to tell us that there is a problem there.

Society taught us to “not make a fuss”, and to "stick our heads in the sand"… and now we feel compelled to do something about all this.

And this is where you’re most likely going to trip up and have change in this situation be forced onto you…. you’re just gonna get tired of shutting up, sitting down and maintaining the status quo.

As a consummate rebel and shitstirrer, I can tell you that it will feel scary in those moments, and you’re gonna make sudden and impulsive choices just because you are so gatvol (SA word for tired and just plain had enough, translates as “bum/hole full") of the stupid rules and willfully ignorant people.

It’s going to become harder and harder for you as you progress on your journey, to fit in, to care, to believe that any of this actually matters. Because the whole journey is about learning that NONE of this ‘reality' matters at all.

The world is changing and you are changing, and you’re experiencing these things because we’re seeing where the problems lie in the world and in society. It’s designed to bug us, so that we are motivated to change it and do something about it.

You’re growing exponentially at the moment, and in most cases the chasm between you and most people in the ordinary world is increasing daily - it’s harder and harder to understand them and how they choose to live.

This is why so many big souls becomes hermits and remove themselves from secular life.

You are feeling the contrast, conflict and cognitive dissonance of the changes that are happening inside you, and this discomfort with your career or job is about the urgency you feel to start making changes to create a different world.

It’s meant to bug us - otherwise we wouldn’t do anything to fix it.

The growth you experience is going to roll over into your life, and eventually your life will begin to look different. And you will want the ways it looks different.

Many of us are on ascetic paths - and that means eschewing the comforts and luxuries of the secular world, so it’s hard for us to care about money and building wealth and success - and the dark is fighting back by making money more and more important, with the hope that it eclipses anything else we would want to care and think about.

You are changing, and so your life will too.

These feelings you’re having serve only to show you the parts of your life that need attention and change.

It’s a changing world

For a job as big as this, it stands to reason that you’d want strong players on your team - and that happens to be us.

We volunteered for these roles, and we’ve been working our whole lives towards this.

So stuff is gonna annoy us so when we see where problems lie, and then we’ll start doing things to fix them.

This is how we’re gonna change the world.

This pain is just the symptom - it’s not the problem at all.

The pain serves only to make you question what we can do about this, and start finding ways that we can change this.

Focus on that - give up your right to complain about it.

Those moments of trial are tough to go through, but they also offer the greatest opportunity for you to see solutions to these problems.

If you give up your right to complain about it, to be offended, then you make mental space for those answers to arise where the complaints used to live.

WE are the transition team - and we’re here because we can do this.

Just remember NOT to take it personally LOL.

(Of course there’s an article for personalization, thought you’d never ask: http://lifecoachestoolbox.com/index.php/personalization-on-the-ego-journey )

[rynnvstill]

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year family and friends! We’ve made it to 2018!!! 

I’m so happy and thankful to the Lord to see another year and with new years comes renewed refocus and new goals to achieve. Before I get into the gaze ahead for 2018, I would like to reflect on 2017.

I mentioned on my FB that 2017 wasn’t my best year for me and my family. There were some ups but mostly downs.  It wasn’t a bad year but it was an extremely hard one. There were things I faced in 2017 that made me plant my face in my hands and cry “God, why me?!” Thankfully God was with me all the way even though many times I felt very alone. Everything was challenged. 

Mommy Blues

Oct 6th 2016 I became a new mommy to a beautiful baby girl. The beginning was really rough. I had a C section and could barely hold Naomi because I was in so much pain. I had a hard time using the bathroom ( which I found out later was normal). Trying to recover from my C section and learning how to take care of newborn was very challenging and it took a tole on me. Naomi also had acid reflux in the beginning and a stomach virus around four or five months. On top of all that, there was a 50% chance that I’d pass my hereditary pain epilepsy to her, so we had to constantly in and out of  doctors for her.

 It turns out that she does have the same pain condition as me but we’re working with the neurologist to get her treated. Once we figured out she had the condition, things got a little bit easier because we knew how to care for her to prevent her from having a pain episode.  eventually, the acid reflux went away as well. 

After my 8 weeks of maternity leave, I was cleared to go back to work and I was not happy about that. I wanted noting more than to be home with my baby but instead I had to have other women watch her. I hated the idea of sitting at work some days doing nothing while someone else was playing with her and caring for her. Between feeling guilty about passing the pain condition to her and now leaving her with other women to watch her, I develop postpartum depression. 

I needed a new job

Being a working mom became easier around the time Naomi was 8 months (I know...it took me a while to adjust) but from time to time (mainly when I had nothing to do) I felt guilty about leaving her with other women.  I didn’t get along with one of the women I worked with and I was paying a very high rate to park at my job. The lack of opportunity and abusive treatment prompt me to start looking for another job.

When I started working at the law firm back in 2015, I was very excited. I felt like it was a step in the direction of a real career. I was hoping to learn and move up. That was not the case at all. From day one the lady who “trained me” pretty much set me up to fail. I really felt like she was trying to get me fired. I was told she was my supervisor but later she expressed to me that she wasn’t my supervisor. This confused and upset me because she had a lot of say in my review and work performance. She never had anything nice to say about me and she would let everyone know her frustrations with me. She half trained me, would get frustrated if I tried to ask her a question, would talk about me to other people in the finance department and complain about me to my supervisor. She never told me when i made a mistake; she would just fix it and tell me I made a mistake. I don’t know why this lady gave me such a hard time to this day and i’ll never know but that’s ok. 

Don’t get me wrong, there were blessing from the job. My supervisor was very helpful with my doctors appointments and setting me up for my maternity leave. She even threw me a baby shower. However, the good always came with the a bad moment at this job. The woman who “trained me”  treated me pretty bad when I was pregnant. She didn’t come to my baby shower  or sign the card that was  given to me ( which was fine, I didn’t really care about that). But when  I came back from maternity leave, she thought it was a good idea to give me dirty old baby socks, a dry rotted binky, and used teething toys from her 11 year old granddaughter. I’m 28 years old so I don’t have time for drama, keep it to yourself.

 Enduring harassing situations like my lovely co-workers baby gift, on top of stressing over my expensive parking situation ($25 a day), it took a tole on my health.

Sick Days

Between Naomi and I we have had our share of doctors visits over the course of 2017. For me, it started back in March of 2017. I would get this horrible pain under my right rib around the time of my period. I notice it would start when I would take the white pills in my birth control pack. After I had to be rushed to the hospital in July when the pain got worse, the ER doctor swore that my birth control was not the cause of the pain and that my gallbladder needed to be removed.  Before I was going to  let Chestnut Hill hospital cut me open, I wanted to get a second opinion from the hospital i had Naomi at so, off to Lankenu I went. 

They conducted two test on my gallbladder and concluded that my gallbladder was functioning find. I was advised to see a GI doctor. At this point, I thought I was dying but my GI doctor told me I wasn’t dying, that I was just very constipated. Relieved (no pun intended), she explained to me that the pain I was feeling was trapped gas and stool trying to get around a corn of my GI track (interesting but how did I get so constipated?). She told me that after having deep abdominal surgery (C section), extra hormones (from the birth control), period constipation and add everyday stress (taking care of a baby, working, bills, ect.) that’s how you get extremely constipated. 

She made me do a cleanse but it didn’t work. I conducted a test of my own in October, my prescription for my birth control expired and I didn’t renew it. I wanted to see if I was right all along. If I’d stop taking it, would the pain go away. You won't believe it but that pain has not come back and I'm regular again. (TMI I know but it’s important to the story.)

Still looking for work

At this point I'm depressed because I want nothing more than to leave the law firm. Many so I don’t have to pay for parking but also because the lady I worked with was so abusive towards me in a passive aggressive sort of way too (worse case). She went from ignoring me to pushing work on my when my other co worker went out on disability. 

I was aggressively looking for another job. I had two interviews with a real estate company in Wayne PA but to this day I’m still waiting to hear back from them to know if I got the job or not. I’m pretty sure they went with someone else (I hope) but an email of decline would’ve been nice ( I think it was because I’m brown). 

I laid myself at the feet of the Lord and was honest with Him. I told Him I couldn’t work at this law firm anymore. I could keep paying for parking because it wasn’t helpful to my family. I was honest with him about the lady I worked with, that I had a hard time not hating her. I was just raw before the Lord and honest. Just like David, He heard my cry. Another real estate company reached out to me for AR position in Bryn Mawr, Pa. I had two interview with them (which made me nervous because of the last place) but this time they made an offer and I said yes!

Yes, ladies and gents, I started a new job. I don’t have to pay for parking and so it’s way better than the law firm. 

Closing the book on 2017

There were other crazy events that happened in 2017 but, this blog is getting pretty long and I want to talk about somethings I’m praying God will help me with for 2018. There were great memories of 2017 that I enjoyed very much but like I said the hard times were rough. I thank God he helped me thorough and one of the greatest lessons I’ve learn from 2017 is to trust in the Lord, rest in His grace, and bare it all to Him. He’s truly my help.

Now on to 2018

I’m totally excited about 2018. It started on NYE. I had one of the best NYEs I’ve had in a while. Charlie and I stayed home. After we put Naomi to bed, we played video games until it got closer to midnight, we had some sparkling wine, we counted down to midnight, we cheers, and had our midnight kiss. It was at that moment that I felt hopeful. Like I could feel the Lord wrap his arms around me and His peace filled my heart. It’s going to be a good year. 

Goals

I usually don’t make goals because I feel like anymore, it’s hard to keep them but this year I want to make goals. With these goal, it’s not just for 2018. These goal will be started in 2018 but will continue to grow and develop as the years progress Lord willing. Here are my goals starting 2018:

Art- yes, it’s time to get back into it but up a notch. I’ve purchased artist paints, i’ve been studying art online and practicing and now it’s time to get it done. I have a list of painting and pieces I want to get started this year and I will have an art show once i get a good portion of my work done. I would like to get some prints made and get my art on T-shirts and cups. I would like to start a website where my art is sold and also blog about them on here.

School- I’ve finally decided to go back to school but I’m keeping my major a secret until I finalize where i’m going. It will be a Masters degree. I’m really excited for what the Lord will do through me with this major. I’ll keep you posted with this

Blog- last but not least, I will be blogging again but different. I will write from time to time but I also want to get back into making videos. I will be blogging about spiritual books i’m reading, podcast i’m listening to, my read through the Bible, art pieces i’m working on and how they relate to the Word, I’ll talk about fictional books i’m reading and some funny family stories. 

Conclusion

Guy, I’m so excited for 2018! Keep me in your prayers and I’ll keep you in mine. Until next time, may the Lord keep you in His perfect peace, in Jesus Name, Amen!