#i hadn't realized i'd been doing this to my partner and my new little family until last night

[dredshirtroberts]

coming back to this after a full night's sleep and just like...

in case you missed the original tags: I don't know how many compliments i've gotten that were genuine in my life.

because i was taught early and often that compliments were empty words to express disinterested satisfaction that you met the expected brief and maybe even failed a little. If there is nothing to critique it's not worth mentioning and if there is something to critique then you're going to know about it.

perfection was the expectation and anything below that wasn't of note. if you weren't doing something completely and utterly your own it didn't matter. You couldn't get inspiration from anything or use any references or it was just copying to my parents - and i think to a lot of the adults around me.

I stopped sharing what i work on VERY fast. especially once my sister started and showed just how "easy" and "effortless" the quality of work I was putting out was. If I shared something of mine for my parents to read they just simply wouldn't. They'd go oh you wrote? that's nice and never touch it. even if they said they would. Or if they had to because it was an assignment for school and Mom was *literally* my teacher. I know she wasn't reading my assignments. mostly because she stopped picking up on my grammar and spelling errors.

I know she didn't read anything i wrote for fun or that i was actually proud of writing. In her defense, one of the first writing-for-fun things i shared with her was when i was 11 and i had just written a very dark scene implying my whole family was dead so i could go off on an adventure with the YYH gang but like...

honestly that should have been a compliment? i couldn't see myself leaving home and my family to go on an adventure unless they were all dead. But also it probably spake to a lot of the fucking issues between me and my parents. Because the other reason i killed them in that story was because i couldn't bear the thought that they wouldn't come after me if i ran away.

i was 11. That was probably concerning. that's fair.

but like. she didn't talk to me about it. she just never read anything i showed her from then on out. she barely looked at my art, she barely commented on any of the skills i could do because well. i wasn't perfect at them yet so it wasn't worth noting what i was doing until then. Except for any mistakes to fix and how to fix them (but only THAT WAY was allowed to fix them and if i couldn't figure out THAT WAY she was saying i was stupid and wouldn't go very far in that craft/hobby/task/etc.)

is it any wonder i have difficulty starting and finishing tasks to this day, outside of the executive function issues?

but no other adults ever seemed to be impressed with what i could do. it was always what i wasn't doing, or how i could turn whatever it was into a business. Dad was really bad about that last one. Everything was something to be sold and i knew each and every time he brought it up, in the heart of my soul, if i had to do these things for money to live i would end up hating my crafts. (i was right)

also all my skills are seen as frivolous because they're not "useful" anymore. It's decorative - crochet and knitting isn't *necessary* anymore since blankets are bought at the store, so you're doing it to show off and we're not going to give you the satisfaction of that. Drawing? well unless you figure out how to get into graphic design and make that your life's work you'll never make money drawing. And don't get me started on the writing again.

I was pressured into a business degree because i didn't want to "waste my education" on a "useless degree" i wouldn't be able to do anything with in my career. because art wasn't a career option for me. I had friends go through art school, or english or music or theatre programs. Hell, my sister graduated with a dance degree.

but i wasn't allowed to do that.

They'd deny it, saying i was allowed to make my own choices but i wasn't. Not without risk of being bullied and looked down on by my family for the choices i made. And I wasn't ready at 18-19-20-21 to face that.

it makes me wish i understood computers better. Because maybe then I could have gone into school for computers and dad would have cared about me more. Or he would have just had another outlet to criticize me.

Both are equally as likely as the other and i am really not actually good with computers.

I struggle also with compliments that sound like jokes. i got mostly backhanded compliments for most of my life - or worse, polite judgement (negative). I got told when i was doing things wrong and when i was doing them wrong *only*.

I wasn't aware I could be good at things.

I know i'm not abysmal at drawing - i've spent over 20 years working on that skill i better fucking not be. but i feel like the imposter-syndrome/"oh well i'm not doing xyz so it's not as good yet" feels different than other people describe because like...i'm not just comparing myself to myself to my knowledge in my head and seeing all the stuff i've been staring at for ages - i'm comparing myself to a perfect version that will never exist and has never existed, and pointing out the flaws based on that.

y'know. the way my parents do.

I taught myself all the shit i know how to do. I had to. No one was around to teach me. Youtube tutorials, glaring at incomprehensible patterns until i learned the abbreviations, RE-learning the abbreviations because fuck knitting and crochet ARE different, re-RE-learning the abbreviations because Europe and America are different styles apparently, languages, art, writing, techniques and tricks and hints and tips and help from others who are doing the same thing that i know i will never be as good as because i didn't go to school right but like please just let me have like 2 molecules of your ability because maybe then someone will LOVE ME.

Someone might approve of me, might think i'm worth keeping around might think i'm good enough.

do you know how much i would have cried if i'd realized my partner's mother not just approved of me but thought i was impressive??? and it was real and true and genuine?

do you know how much i haven't been accepting the people around me's compliments of me because i'm convinced no one would ever MEAN to say those things to me genuinely?

I'm always startled when people bring stuff up way later that i've done because, well, it's been ages and the only things i'm used to having brought up time and time again are all the times i fucked up what do you MEAN you loved the thing i made for you and use it for its purpose regularly enough to think to say something to me a year later? (hi sarah if you see this i'm so glad you like the foraging bag i made you i'm sorry i didn't believe you actually liked it for the reasons stated above i'll try and believe it next time i love youuuuuu)

I feel awkward when i give away handmade gifts because it's both knowingly showing off my talent and also never going to be enough to get approval and love. because if it wasn't enough to make my parents give a shit about me and my interests, why would it be enough for you?

if i wasn't good enough to make my parents love me unconditionally from the start by just existing as a baby they had, then why would anyone else love me that way? if i couldn't earn their love over years and years and decades of trying to do things they would approve of and think was worthwhile, why would you? why would anyone? why would i?

i've been talking a big game recently on my healing and recovery and the things i've been working through and my self-esteem getting better but like. I didn't realize this was the core of it? and i think um. i think i got a lot of work to do. What do you mean most people can't reverse engineer fiber projects? what do you mean my writing makes you feel things? what do you mean my art makes you smile enough to put it as your background on your phone? what do you mean i'm impressive????

that's not allowed, i'm mediocre and can't get better than mediocre because i'm *ME*.

.......anyway if you've given me a genuine compliment in the past or anything of the like, i probably didn't believe you. because why would anyone say something nice to me and not have something negative held back in the chamber? or to be anything other than Pleasantly Polite because a precocious child in a 30-something's body has shown you their most recent macaroni craft. sorry. idk that there's anything to do about it.

...god. i wasn't even fishing for compliments i was just trying to figure out if my family even liked the shit i made for them. and they never did. or if they did they never really said.

fuck.

oh my parents fucked me up-fucked me up, huh?

[yannig]

So. I've finished binge-watching Pit Babe.

and I have opinions. (yes I am aware it came out like a year ago. who cares) so, with very little order :

Tony died!! Yeah!! ngl, at one point I hoped Babe's father would come in to kill him, but Kenta doing it is even more satisfying so i'm happy with it. also those knife sounds were great. 10/10 no notes.

Babe's father was very obvious as Babe's father the second we met him. it's not necessarily a problem, i just found it funny that they were trying to create a mystery around him.

i didn't know it was an omegaverse when i began watching the show, but it was a pretty sanitized omegaverse, all things considered. no mentions of heat/rut, knotting, mate, pack, mating bite, bond, nesting. the mpreg was only implied. the word omega was uttered exactly once. beyond Tony wanting only alpha kids (with no explanation of what an alpha is), the plot to get a child from Babe, and Babe's fixation on his partner's smell (and most likely, Babe and Charlie's fixation on each other's neck), i often forgot it was an omegaverse. i understand not wanting to scare newbies, omegaverse can be wild, but i was surprised with how little we got of the common tropes. its not a flaw, i was just surprised.

Sonic needs to tell North he loves him. the guy is clearly ready to die for you. just because he's too stupid to realize he's in love with you doesn't mean he isn't.

also this two idiots were still in the building!! i thought they got the USB and then got out to publish the videos! but no! these two idiots were still in the building! thank fuck Kim was close by!!! (he was probably there on purpose, yes, but still. they should have gotten out!)

Way stays a walking red flag until his very last breath and I hate that for him. don't get me wrong, I saw his death coming. he was unredeemable, and we don't want the audience to hate him, so of course he was gonna die. i really don't like this trope, I'd rather he left Babe and X-Hunter behind and got a new chance with Pete, who was clearly ready to give him one and also who he hadn't betrayed and hurt in the worst way possible. but no, that's not how the trope works. he dies. because we don't know how to redeem characters without killing them. and to make the matter worst, he dies having one of his most fucked up interactions with Babe yet, and that's saying something considering his track record, confessing his love for the nth time which was understandable but already awkward on its own, and then asking if Babe ever loved him back when he has made very clear several times that he saw Way as his closest friend and nothing else, begging for forgiveness for trying to rape Babe, i swear to god!! the correct thing to say at this point was "i'm sorry i ever hurt you, i hope you get to be happy with Charlie, don't blame yourself for my death". instead, he gave him enough therapy material for the next decade! with one conversation! how the fuck is Babe supposed to grieve Way, or make peace with anything he has done to him, after that kind of last breath!

(seriously, i probably have enough to say about Way to write an entire essay. the man was fucked up)

Kim has now been officially adopted in the family, he's even invited to the funerals! (i am aware he was still Tony's prisoner during Charlie's funeral, i just found it funny.) we did not see enough of Kim after Tony imprisoned him btw. he is one of my favorite characters in this show and he deserved more screen time!

Did Charlie stole a power that just- teleport him to Babe when he's in danger? this is a least the second time he just appeared out of nowhere to save Babe with no explanation, and with a perfect timing at that.

Babe deserved to scream at Charlie for faking his death. Or a least have a breakdown the like of the one he had with his father. The reunion scene was great and emotional and shit, and it was adequate for the context, but i needed them to have a real conversation about it later. will look for fanfics on the matter.

my man Babe is gonna have so many trust issues it's not even funny anymore. like mate. both his fathers betrayed him (and sold him, though for different reasons), his best friend of 10 years betrayed him in one of the worst way possible, one of his other teammates betrayed him, and his boyfriend has been lying to him the entire time the have known each other, to the point of faking his death without telling him he was alive. listen, i was berating him every time he pushed Charlie away at the slightest sign of dishonesty because I don't like that trope, but I think in this case he was justified. it's going to be fun to get him to trust anyone ever again!

also that man can cry! and make me cry with him at that! like, i knew Charlie's death was a fake out, and i knew it was coming, but episode 10 still got me in tears because Babe's grief was fucking real. giving him his senses back just for him to hear his lover flat-line on the operation table was incredibly cruel. also "He's still warm. Maybe he's not dead yet". are you trying to kill me? also also : did he say "i love you" for the first time at Charlie's grave? because i think he did.

overall, pretty good execution of the fake death trope, they gave us time to feel the grief before revealing he was alive, it worked. (did the plot around said fake death make sense? not... quite? but the feels were there and that's what matters)

Jeff is my baby and i love him. he got a lover and a support system and that's great, though they could do with better communication and still have shit to learn about respecting boundaries. which is saying something because Jeff tends to be pretty fucking clear about his boundaries. i'm watching you Alan. also i've decided he's autistic. for obvious reasons.

the whole "papa and mama" thing Babe and Charlie have going on is not my thing, but it is particularly weird in a context where the last two men Babe called "Papa" betrayed him and hurt him terribly. i get that what they have going on is different, like it's not a daddy kink (which would have been even weirder), but it still left a weird taste in my mouth. i just - i don't know what to make of it. i don't think they got the implication of it when making the show?

Babe and Charlie both need therapy to a desperate level, and i do not trust any of them to try to get it on their own. let's hope the rest of the family team manages to get them there. i'm mostly counting on Jeff to start the movement on this one. and then the others can nicely bully them into getting professional help.

[jinx-on-mars-19xx]

Going Through Changes

🩸Previous Parts Here🩸

Dom x Colson (Yungblud x Machine Gun Kelly)

Warnings: ABO dynamics (knots, slick, heats, mpreg), alpha serial killer/hitman Dom, omega mob boss Kells, cursing, insults, threats, very recent murder, slightly graphic description of kills, awkward conversations, Kells in denial, boys trying to be mature, ish, kisses, teasing, almost fingering, getting caught, enemies to lovers 💣 Rating: mature with a hint of explicit

All ideas helped by @iamnotanearthlingmotherfucker 🖤

The ride home was strange to say the least. Dom was still riding high after having his urges met- though a little disturbed he hadn't been able to complete his entire ritual. It was a nagging feeling in the back of his mind that- one, he hadn't actually killed the one that pissed him off, and two, it hadn't been done exactly right. His elephant necklace felt heavy around his neck though it weighed almost nothing. He knew it shouldn't bother him especially because he'd been seen and accepted by his mate… or so he'd felt while in the building.

They'd held each other and shared come-down kisses until his knot let them separate. The moment the omega was free he smiled at Dom before the Alpha watched the mask fall back in place. They got dressed in near silence as Colson called someone. The cleaners he said, that way they could go ahead and leave. They were expected somewhere and had already lingered over an hour. The killer was sure it would be fine. Tom liked methodical activities like packing.

Dom assumed the facade would drop away once they were safely hidden in the back of an oversized SUV but something was obviously on his lover's mind and he was scared to push. He was a mate though, wasn't he supposed to help his omega with his thoughts? Was he supposed to ask? Talk? How did people do it? It wasn't as if he had a good example, he knew enough to know his duty wasn't to punch his partner in the face like his dad would have his mum. Though his lip still twinged from where the other man had backhanded him the night before.

“You gave ‘em me address yeah?” He finally spoke into the darkened car. There wasn't even music playing. And he was supposed to be the sociopath here? He picked at a string on the seam of his pants and waited to see if he would get anything in return but all he heard was a soft noise he assumed meant ‘yes’. “Do… you want me to stay at it?”

Kells huffed and furrowed his brows, finally turning to look at the guy he just helped to kill two people under his employ. The boy he'd just let bite him. The psycho he could still feel inside him every time he moved. Shit he was still full of his cum, he could feel it soaking into his pants and probably staining the leather seat. He could see worry in Dom's eyes and he knew he was pulling the same shit he had for the last month. Or more. “Why the hell would you ask that? I just asked you to move in. You think I'm such a bitch I'd let my pussy talk for me?” That hadn't been how he had meant to react. Fuck.

Dom took a breath and shook his head, his fingers moving to his neck to fiddle with the charm there. Hormones or just his mate? He was starting to wonder. “I fink we was boff caught up in the moment and I don't want to make you feel suffocated. You used to living on ya own and now you gonna ‘ave two new people, fhree so-”

“I will rip your dick off if you finish that statement.” Kells growled and he internally smirked when the Alpha crossed his legs. He should know better, Col enjoyed that part of his lover more than that. “Are you saying you were caught in the fucking moment and you don't want to move in with me?” He was surprised at how scared of the answer he was. Dom had become his only way to sleep. His safety. His damn home no matter how much it annoyed him.

“I been living wiv yas. Jus’ wiv’out me clothes which ain't been fun. Course I wanna move in. We making a family. I jus’ don't want you to realize I'm a cunt over summat small like I leave the toofpaste cap off.” The boy shrugged. He was trying so hard to be honest.

“Do you leave the cap off? Cause I can train that out of you.” Colson half teased, he was sure he could easily break any bad habits the other man had.

“Not on pur- tha's not the bloody point! I got ADHD, sometimes I'm dumb. Wha' I don't want is you ‘ating me.” He took a chance and dropped his fidgeting hand to his mate's lap, hoping for Col to meet him basically halfway.

“See? I told you who the bitch is here. I'm not upset with you dumbass, I'm just upset. I feel like I'm fucking up everything with work and I probably don't have long before I'm outed.” The omega sighed and took his lover's hand in his own.

“So you can admit it?”

“I was meaning the fucking bite on my neck. It's pretty obvious you're an Alpha.” He was lying of course but to himself just as much as to the other man.

“Alphas mate. Sure it's rare but…” Dom shrugged and trailed off, he was trying to support his badass boss bitch but it was hard because he didn't want to add to the lies Kells was telling himself. If this was how he worked on accepting their fate he would help as much as he could. Without half truths he hoped.

“I know. It'll be fine, I'm just… I don't know. Not used to this shit.” He laughed mirthlessly. He didn't want to make Dom think he wasn't happy with him but he couldn't even navigate family relationships, how was he supposed to figure it out with him? With lots of sex preferably but they couldn't exactly use their bodies to work it out in the back of a chauffeured SUV. “What's freaking you out right now?” He decided to ask instead, the fingers of his free hand tracing the mark he left on the boy’s arm.

Dom knew Colson was trying and he was starting to see this was how the omega opened up. Basically every time they shared the Alpha had to open up first. “Tha’ you scared of wha’ you saw or summat. Tha’ you refinking us. Tha’ you pissed about the bite. And…” He sighed. If they were going to work he had to be honest. “I didn't kill ‘em right. It's fucking wiv me.”

Col nodded as he thought, he tried to give it a moment and let everything filter through before he answered. He looked up his lover's cases after their first meeting so he knew what monster was after him. It's why he'd felt safe since. Yungblud was fucking terrifying- the crime scene photos on Tom’s blog were a Jackson Pollock of blood. Glasgow smiles showing broken teeth, so many small cuts, and deeper ones showing bone. It was methodical but the finishing touch of his pachyderm charm burned into the victim's skin was an almost comical cherry on top. All that nightmare fuel he knew but he also knew the why. “You don't scare me and I'm sorry I interrupted. I'm not rethinking you, asshole. Did you not catch me helping at the end? Even saying that though and knowing I need you, it changes a fuck ton in my life. Plus I might be gaining a pet psycho but I could be losing a lot. But please don't feel like you can't do whatever the fuck you need as long as you don't get caught.” It felt like too damn much, he wasn't used to talking unless it was to his mom.

“It's okay to be scared. I'm scared… I fink. I'm ‘appy too but you a big arse change. I stayed away from me sisters to keep ‘em safe from wha’ I do and now I can't do tha'. I can't leave yas.”

“Yeah but this shit doesn't bother me as long as you don't get stains on my stuff.”

“You still pissed about tha’?”

“Uh yeah, that was an expensive rug. You have zero respect for the finer things in life.”

“I got respect for you, me.” Dom smiled, kissing his mate's cheek. He obviously wasn't meaning Colson when he was talking about being scared but he didn't know how to say it without triggering another fight. Obviously their kid would grow up around violence but not the way he had. They might tease each other but there was love and they could do this right. Right?

“Stop it. We're almost there and you're not gonna say whatever the fuck you're thinking about.” Just as Kells finished his sentence the vehicle pulled to a stop. He let his mate kiss him before he turned to open the door.

“Wha' if ‘ey an Alpha?” The boy’s voice sounded so small, terrified, and as young as he appeared. Col squeezed the door handle tight as his heart started to race. His foot was already out on the ground and he could easily ignore the query. He should. He had literally just told him no.

“With you as a dad there's no way they'll turn out like them.” The omega's voice was barely above a whisper and Dom barely caught it over the noise of LA life around them. He didn't look back and he didn't say anything else, he just stepped out of the car and shut the door in his lover's face.

There was something warm in Dom’s belly trying to fill the pit that had been forming there. Something wet touched his cheeks and he had to wipe them clean. He knew how hard it was for the older man to say those words, how difficult he was finding it to admit. He almost didn't want to exit the SUV because he knew outside of it they'd have to act like that comment was never made. He took a breath to steel himself because he knew the mask would be back in place. So he was shocked when he finally joined the omega after a moment and Colson took his hand.

“Shut the fuck up. Don't give me those eyes. You're on thin ice but I'm not gonna be a dick to you in front of Tom. Dude is like scary good at what he does and I'd like to keep my money where it is.” It was partially another lie, he'd genuinely just craved the Alpha's touch after what he'd said but he couldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing he was needed.

The flat was chaos as they entered, but Dom could see how it was controlled. His brother had a method to his madness and he couldn't fault him. That would be hypocritical as hell. As he shut the door behind him his mate pulled out his phone and he watched as Kells ordered someone to bring a U-Haul truck to help. The man might not be able to say the word love but he could fucking show it. As soon as he was done he was backing the boy against the wall.

“Mmm, ‘ello luv.” Dom smiled, his arms wrapping around his partner's waist to tuck his fingers just inside the back of his pants. The combined scent of them was like perfume on the man, he couldn't help but wonder how drenched he was between his legs.

“‘Ello.” Colson tried to fake his accent but it was atrocious even to him. “Ya know… I haven't been here before.”

“No you ain't.”

“Which means I haven't been to your room.” Kells hummed, flicking his tongue over the Alpha's plush lips. He could feel Dom growing hard between their pressed close bodies already and he ground his hips harder just to watch those jade eyes flash red.

“You right. Wanna see?” The boy didn't know where this conversation was going but he was starting to understand where it ended up. Them naked and panting and tangled together on his mattress. He just hoped he wasn't too judged on his décor.

“I do. That also means your poor bed has never been christened properly and you're about to abandon it. Isn't that shit tragic?”

“Y-yeah. Should- we should-” Dom's voice broke off in a whine when Col reached for his arm and tried to press his hand deeper in his slacks. “Fuck- so wet for me.”

“Don't get too big an ego bitch, most of that is your cum.” Kells laughed before it turned into a gasp. His mate's touch teased between his folds and exploded his hole with a surprisingly sure touch.

“I dunno about tha’. Fink ya pussy is begging for me.” It was rare for Dom to feel safe saying something like that but he wanted to try being more secure. The only problem was they'd both somehow forgotten they weren't alone.

“Boss?” Mod’s voice was dripping with awkward trepidation.

Colson just dropped his forehead to his mate's and cursed under his breath. “God damnit.”

“That's what you get trying to fuck in the front room like horny brats instead of helping me pack.” Tom's gentle chide surprisingly made the other omega laugh.

“Can someone explain what the fuck is happening?” Poor Mod, Tom hoped they didn't kill him for their mistake.

Author's Note/Tags: @iamnotanearthlingmotherfucker @hollywoodxwhore @jaxbreaker @fenoy7 @cole-way-iero28 if anyone wants tagged let me know 🖤

Sorry these have been a little shorter, I haven't been feeling very well. And I know I'm covering a lot of one day but it's an important one I think. We'll move on soon. I love them trying so hard to talk stuff out but still being catty with each other. Poor Mod, let's hope they let him live (I think Tom might enjoy him too much) I hope you're all enjoying it 💣🖤

[andersqueuetea]

Every year I typically do a review of all the video games I play throughout the year and I post it on Twitter. As I'm not particularly active on Twitter, I figured I'd start this little blog to post things like this so that I can share them with anyone who might find it interesting! 2023 was a big year for me-- I'll make a post about how my 2023 has been overall and everything that's happened and everything that I feel I've accomplished later on, but, in general, I beat my thread of video games from last year by more than double.

In 2022 I listed a total of 20 games, though it didn't seem to include everything I tried. This year I was able to play 50 different video games that I would love to talk about this year. I'm also splitting them into four different categories: Unfinished, Group Games, Replays, and New Titles. Let's get into it.

Unfinished Games

This includes three games that I either gave up on or haven't completely finished yet.

#50 Digimon World 2

I first played Digimon World 2 as a child alongside my older brother, Jake, on the Playstation. We were both Digimon fans, having rented the original Digimon World video game from our local blockbuster but never getting particularly far. Unlike the original Digimon World game, this title is a dungeon crawler similar to the Pokemon Mystery Dungeon series that follows Akira, a boy who lives in Digital City on Directory Content, and is tasked with joining one of three guard teams (Vaccine, Data, and Virus types) and gaining a partner Digimon.

The player and their partner then take their tank, a Digi-Beetle and travel the dungeons beating and recruiting other Digimon to their party while beating bosses and liberating parts of Directory Continent.

I played this game on my Steam Deck and joined the Gold Hawks team with the Vaccine Digimon so that my partner Digimon was Patamon, a favorite of my childhood. I was increasingly frustrated by the lack of explanation of the various mechanics in game and how difficult it was to find any early game recruitable vaccine Digimon, making it so that I was stuck with a party of one from the get-go. Eventually I put the game away and, while I'm sure I may pick it up again in the future, the experience was clunky and slow, even down to the slow dialogue and walking animations.

#49 Banjo-Kazooie

Flame me. Bully me. I get it. First off, let me tell you: this game is great. The concept, the silly plot, the goofy characters-- I understand why this is such a popular game and why people have so much nostalgia about these characters and their world! The music is amazing, the worlds are unique, and the dialogue is catchy. The problem with this and, genuinely, why I didn't complete it, is that the collectathon aspect was more of a hassle than anything else due to the clunky 1996 controls and lack of quality of life upgrades that they could have brought to the Nintendo Switch Online version.

I enjoyed portions and the genuine inspiration that this took from other early 3D platformers, but the controls, the hitboxes, the punishing failures... it made it unenjoyable for me to attempt complete once I realized that I would need to go back and collect and additional number of hidden collectables to be able to open the next door.

#48 Pokemon Emerald (Randomizer)

As we'll note as we get further down the list, I've been replaying some of the Pokemon games that I've enjoyed in the past. However, as I decided to start Pokemon Emerald through my Steam Deck, I opted to play a randomized version of the game to spice things up a little. Unlike the first two games on our list, this is unfinished because I hadn't quite made enough progress to complete it-- I'm still working through the game.

The third installment of the core generation 3 Pokemon games, Emerald takes place on the continent of Hoenn after moving with the protagonist's family to Littleroot Town from Johto. My protagonist, a boy named Dersy, gains his first partner Pokemon, a Totodile, from Professor Birch, and sets on his trainer journey, meeting Birch's assistant, May and immediately battling her Beldum in an infuriating fight when you only have a Totodile who knows two moves.

As of now, I've found a fun and interesting party as I move past Slateport for the first time: Pharaoh the Ampharos, Zelda the Typhlosion (shoutouts to Muttski), Kaya the Kyogre, Fleshlight the Weepinbell (sorry), A-aron the Lairon, and Menace the Salamence.

Emerald is a slow play. It's taken me a while to get anywhere, primarily because I only play on my Steam Deck in bed when I have a little down time.

Group Games

I've played quite a few games with friends this year that didn't have specific 'endings' so I couldn't quite say that I beat them. Still, I wanted to talk about them here! There are 12 games on this portion of the list, starting with...

#47 Project Playtime

A spin-off of the horror game Poppy Playtime, this prequel was developed and published by Mob Entertainment as a co-op free-to-play horror set in a toy factory.

I didn't get much playtime on this as the game was still in early access and didn't always run as intended, but it allows six playes to try and solve puzzles and collect toy pieces to fix their train and escape while being hunted by a player controlling a monster.

The game has potential and, if asked to play it again, I definitely would! Unfortunately, last time friends wanted to play the launcher was busted.

#46 Borderlands 2

Another fan favorite that I've only played one time, Borderlands 2 is something that I've been discussing playing with my friend Emma for years and years.

Finally, in 2023, we got a group together to play a little bit. I believe I played as a Gunzerker and, while I'm not a great FPS gamer by any means, I did have some fun with this game being dragged along to various missions by friends who knew much more about what they were doing.

Unfortunately, my experience was ruined by an outside issue and I don't, at this time, think I'm ready to play Borderlands 2 anytime soon.

#45 Phasmophobia

I'll be the first to admit that I have very bad FOMO. I don't like missing out when friends play games and, therefore, I, a scaredy-cat, purchased and played Phasmophobia.

I am, additionally, very bad at Phasmophobia and am often dead the entire time.

Still, dead Ders loves to take random items from the map and drop them in the truck for everyone who's still alive!

When Phasmo went through it's big truck update I found myself extremely frustrated-- I didn't understand how to buy and load items into the truck and every time we tried to play it was one issue after another.

In the end I uninstalled the game and, while I'll probably reinstall if people want to play, the update really ruined a lot of the enjoyment for me.

#44 The Anacrusis

Space Left for Dead with aliens instead of zombies! I jumped right on this funky little game as a Lance main, as you know I love a nondescript basic-ass white guy.

Again, FPS games aren't my thing, but this was really fun co-op horde combat! Though only one friend of mine actually owns the game, leaving us with a tougher time getting games together, the game is still very fun and exciting!

This year they added the versus mode, allowing teams to play alternatively as survivors and alien hoards and... as someone unfamiliar with this playstyle... I hated this. It was really difficult as the alien to do anything and, since my friend has so much more experience in this format, I felt like I was completely helpless to do anything.

I hope that more friends will get this game so that we can play together, especially now that it's out of early access.

#43 Among Us

Innersloth's Among Us became a household name during the pandemic and dominated my life every evening for at least eight to ten months, spawning the discord server in which I spend most of my time.

I only played Among Us once or twice this year, most importantly on my friend Emma's birthday where we played a few rounds to celebrate and hang out.

The game is good and fun. I have no interest in playing with randoms-- just not my thing, and while I love playing with friends... after a while I find myself becoming so comfortable with everyone's play-styles that the game just becomes repetitive. A great game for every once in a while.

#42 Party Animals

All the ragdoll physics applied to cute little animal critters? A great soundtrack? This game is totally fun, however, I didn't play it too much. Much like Among Us, this is the kind of game that I'd rather just play with friends in customs-- a group of us in a voice call beating the crap out of each other and laughing while doing so.

The games are fun-- reminiscent of Fall Guys and American Ninja Warrior in a way and the customization that you can find through every character is wonderful. Hopefully this game stays in the repertoire going forward.

#41 Dead by Daylight

To say that this was a bad year for Dead by Daylight was an understatement.

I first played DBD in 2021 after the Among Us craze died down and I found myself experiencing FOMO as my friends played DBD in our discord and I discovered a hot blond basic white-man, Felix Richter, was a playable character.

Eventually I purchased the game and have clocked over 2,000 hours in it.

At the end of 2022 they released a killer by the name of The Knight who was the first draft of an extremely boring playstyle that the devs doubled down on in May of 2023 with their first killer release of the year.

Adriana Imai, The Skull Merchant, is one of the biggest mistakes that BHVR has made-- the 'chess merchant' style of gameplay, which can extend the length of games so much that the killer can hold them hostage for 45+ minutes at a time was so boring and disrespectful that BHVR attempted to rework the killer to combat this... only to make it comparably worse. Between the Knight's release, the Skull Merchant, and the various perk reworks and glitches that BHVR gaslit the community into pretending didn't exist, I stopped playing DBD for a while.

Every once in a while I would log in to play, to experience the new killer and survivor, The Singularity and Gabriel Soma, or to see if the addition of Nicolas Cage could really save the game for me but... unfortunately... no. Ellen Ripley and The Xenomorph were the next releases and the first releases since I bought the game that I didn't purchase, followed by Chucky from the Child's Play series who, I will admit, is a very fun and well balanced addition to the game.

I log in to play every once in a while, when friends want to play and I'm feeling particularly good, but other than that... DBD's lack of integrity regarding their own issues has made the game a big disappointment for me.

#40 Fallout 76

A new game to me, this was gifted to me by my friend PJ. I've played a Fallout game once before for roughly two hours and, honestly, Fallout 76 has been a fun, silly, buggy experience.

First problem: I messed up my character's nose and now he looks silly. Yes, I know I can fix it. No, I do not plan on fixing it.

Exploring in this game is fun! There are so many little funny moments that the devs put in, a solid community that has seemed really nice, and a heavy difficulty that makes me feel like I'm actively accomplishing things when I survive.

I particularly like it when I see another player and I use the wave emoji at them and they wave back!

I'm not a big bug person, so those kinda freak me out, but in general the world that they've created is horrifyingly beautiful.

#39 Fortnite

Never thought I would play Fortnite, however, when DBD took a turn for a worst a group of us defected to zero-build Fortnite and... it's fun! Not something I love to play all the time, but the goofy aesthetics, the variety of characters and emotes, it's easy to see why people get excited about something so silly!

To be able to make the Demogorgon from Stranger Things ride around in a little dinosaur is fun as heck. The changes in the game, updates, game modes, and maps are all interesting and provide a varied experience.

It's not a forever game for me, but that's fine. I still enjoy it, especially when playing with my friend Yellow!

#38 Lethal Company

This game is fun, scary, and stressful! I love pressing 1 and 2 to point and dance-- honestly, makes the game so much fun. Yes, I know that's silly. :)

Since they added arachnophobia mode I feel a lot better playing this! I'm still inexperienced, but I love playing this with friends. The monsters are so varied and intense, the different planets and weathers make it so new and exciting, and the procedural generation of each type of map is a welcome surprise. The different types of scraps are a joy-- the horror of finding a little toy robot.... the fear of hearing a little girl say "hey!"

Overall, this game is a great asset. A great, great asset.

#37 Deceive Inc.

I spent a lot of time this year playing Deceive Inc. after discovering the game while watching Otzdarva stream it one day.

You take the role of a spy trying to steal a package from a villainous lair by unlocking three vault terminals and extracting while surviving against a plethora of other agents who all have abilities much like yours.

The characters are fun, the NPCs are great, the gameplay is stacked. The community has been SO kind and the devs are some of the best devs ever! I took some time off due to my anxiety with FPS games and my stress overload, but this game will always have an amazing place in my heart and I still watch it almost every day!

I'm actively watching it now.

The little nods to spy culture... the additions of skins like Yu-Mi's Sailor Moon inspired skin, the integrity of the maps, the little "dossiers" about each of the characters and NPCs... this game and their amazing dev team deserve so much more respect and love. I wish more of my friends enjoyed playing this game with me.

#36 Labyrinthine

Capping off our group games for the year is Labyrinthine.

I love this game so much and am always up to play it.

The case files mode with the cosmetic hunting on top of the content they release frequently, the events, the monsters, the maps... it's so fun. The jump scares are great and the little puzzles can be super fun to figure out.

I still haven't finished the story chapters, but I really would like to! The toughest part of this game has just been convincing my friends to play with me, as it's not a solo game.

Replays

I replayed eight games that I've played previously this year-- some for the first time, others frequently.

#35 Final Fantasy XII: The Zodiac Age

I'm a big Final Fantasy fan! I last played the original Final Fantasy XII in 2012 while I was dating a wonderful man who encouraged me to finish it!

Let me be clear-- I still enjoyed this game... I liked a lot of the concepts that they put in and I loved visiting Ivalice. As you'll notice, I replayed a LOT of Ivalice games this year.

The characters are boring. The plot was completely inconsequential to everything. The battle system was so silly that, during the final boss battle, I didn't actually have to press a single button.

Why is it that they set this game in FFTA style Ivalice yet every character in your party is a hume save for Fran? Where's the variety? Even the job classes added in the TZA version just felt... like an afterthought.

There was a lot of exploration that could be done, the license board was... interesting... and the monster variety was mostly great! Overally, the game was.... fine... I'd be fine waiting another 11 years to replay it again.

#34 Pokemon: Special Pikachu Edition

The original third core game, Pokemon Yellow was loosely based on the popularity of the Pokemon Anime, updating the sprites, adding Jessie and James from Team Rocket, and giving you a partner Pikachi who followed you around the entire game and refused to evolve.

I love Pokemon, so why is this so low? Specifically, because it's generation one. The QOL things that I've come to love and expect from Pokemon weren't present here and it showed. The game, in general is a fun and nostalgic experience where I get the chance to relive my childhood and bide my time for other new releases.

My team, as the champion, included my Pikachu, who I nicknamed Mimikyu, a Victreebel, an Aerodactyl, a Nidoking, a Mr. Mime, and a Gyarados.

#33 Final Fantasy VIII Remastered

Join Cloud Strife, but lamer, as he-- wait.... shit... I mean Squall Leonhart, right? Join Squall Leonhart... a teenage student at assassin school who graduates and leads a team of mercenaries, including his former teacher who got fired and is in love with him, a guy who loves hot dogs, a cowboy with no relevance to the plot, and a quirky girl as they meet Rinoa Heartilly, a resistance leader who is essentially rebelling against her father while she harasses and embarrasses Squall.

Other plot points include all the characters other than Rinoa remembering that they actually grew up in an orphanage together and just forgot it because they continued to use the Guardian Forces which make them lose their memories... only to continue using Guardian Forces for the rest of the game. Can't forget the mess of sorceresses, Squall falling in love with Rinoa somehow??? Uhm.... some space? They go to space.

It's not a secret that I think this game is overrated. It adds some cool things-- Moombas, gunblades, and Edea, to name a few. The junction system is overcomplicated and broken and plot is swiss cheese.

Will I play it again? Absolutely.

#32 Pokemon Gold Version

Technically, you can argue that I didn't finish this. I completed the eight gym badges and the elite four and... I did go ahead and do the eight Kanto badges but... I didn't fight Red. The credits rolled, so I count it complete.

The Johto region is one of my favorite regions-- I've been dreaming of a Legends Ho-oh game featuring the Burnt Tower and the Legendary Beasts from before they all burned, but we'll see what we get!

My team for this run included Ho-oh, Gloom, Feraligatr, Ampharos, Sudowoodo, and Dragonite. The difficulty spikes in this game can be a little frustrating and it still has some rough QOL moments, but man... I still love this game so much!

#31 Final Fantasy Tactics Advance

As a big Final Fantasy Tactics fan, I remember my excitement as I played through this GBA game during my childhood and was all too excited to pick it up again this year!

We meet Marche, a new boy in the town of St. Ivalice, who befriends the pink haired Ritz and quiet boy Mewt during a snowball fight and invites them over to look at an old book with Marche's sick younger brother, Doned.

The next morning, Marche wakes up in the mystical country of Ivalice and is greeted by Montblanc, a moogle who takes him under his wing and allows Marche to help lead his clan. Mewt is no longer teased and is, instead, the prince of Ivalice alongside his mother, Remedi, who is dead in the real world, while his father, Cid, is the head judgemaster. Doned is no longer sick and Ritz has found a clan of her own.

Marche takes it upon himself and his clan to destroy the crystals keeping Ivalice together and return them to their true homes in St. Ivalice, much to the chagrin of Mewt, Doned, and Ritz.

The game features turn based tactical combat and a job system as well as Nu Mou, Moogle, Hume, Bangaa, and Viera.

My biggest issue with this game is the grind and the fact that, unlike FFT, there aren't any named characters who join your party, something I'll discuss more fully in a few more games.

#30 Pokemon: Let's Go, Eevee!

A remake of Pokemon Special Pikachu Edition including integration with Pokemon Go, mega evolutions, Alolan forms, and the dark, steel and fairy types, this game is technically set in an alternate world after Pokemon Red and Blue, since the characters Red, Blue, and Green all exist and are successful in their own ways.

The protagonist, Chase or Elaine canonically, is given an Eevee who does not enjoy its Pokeball and serves as your companion throughout the game, even going as far as to learn non-move HMs. The partner Eevee can also learn a ton of new attacks and has a different BST than other Eevees.

Instead of battling wild pokemon, you catch them in a form more similar to Pokemon Go, simply tossing Pokeballs and going for streaks to level up your Pokemon. It's a silly and fun remaster that proves a solid entry point for new and younger gamers who are hoping to get involved in Pokemon and for older games who may want to introduce new friends into this series.

I specifically didn't want to use my Eevee, so my final team included Dewgong, Exeggutor, Zapdos, Ninetales, Rhydon, and Haunter.

#29 Final Fantasy Tactics

Honesty time: I was obsessed with this game in sixth grade and I played it constantly.

The complicated plot only grew better as I grew older and became an astrology boi.

We meet Ramza Beoluve, son of a noble, his commoner best friend, Delita, and more as we travel through a complex socio-political vortex caused by the 50 Year War against Ordalia. Delita learns a harsh lesson as his sister, a commoner, is murdered during an uprising as a political statement, a church takes a terrible plot to try to control the country, and a group hopes to resurrect their demonic leader all while we meet a cast of unique and powerful characters on top of our own base characters who circle through a job system.

What makes this better than FFTA to me is the characters-- not only do we have Ramza, but we get Mustadio, Agrias, Rafa, Malak, Orlando, Meliadoul, Beowulf, Reis, Construct 8, Byblos, and even Cloud Strife, all with unique powers and abilities alongside our minor characters. Personally, I had a self insert who I trained in every mage class until I stopped using him in favor of others!

#28 Final Fantasy IX: Remastered

My favorite Final Fantasy, my first Final Fantasy, and my favorite replay of the year.

I replay FF9 every few years and I always love it. Vivi is my favorite character in the series and I'm also a humongous fan of Garnet's story. Zidane is a good character, though he obviously has some flaws that are pretty cringe. I can easily accept that characters like Amarant, Freya, and Quina definitely were forgotten and fall into obscurity as the game progresses, the game's overarching message of identity and family has always drawn me in.

We first meet Zidane, an orphan taken in by the traveling group of thieves and thespians, the Tantalus, as he and his crew partake in a plot to kidnap Princess Garnet during a production of I Want to be Your Canary, performed by them. Meanwhile, a young black mage named Vivi at also planning to attend the premiere after the death of his adoptive father.

Throughout the story we meet amazing characters, whimsical locales, and are asked difficult questions about what it means to be alive, what it means to be family, how to cope with grief and loss, and are given the best mini-game in all of Final Fantasy: Chocobo Hot'n'Cold (shout outs to Emma).

I want this game to get a proper remake. Even writing about the game takes me back to a place where I would watch awful AMVs on YouTube and read articles explaining the confusing and disjointed ending (which, yes, I agree is messy).

I also thank this game for bringing me to Twitch, which has been where I've met to many friends, primarily due to me wanting to watch a Final Fantasy IX speedrun.

New Titles

These may not be new games to you, but they might be! This is the countdown of the 27 new games that I played this year-- the list you've likely been waiting for if you care at all or the list that you skipped to!

#27 Final Fantasy II: Pixel Remaster

Last year this game was the last on my list. I didn't finish it and I didn't like it and I was constantly frustrated trying to play it.

I tried it again this year and... yeah... this is a flop for me. Bad character design, bad level up mechanic, confusing key words system... I followed a guide. Why? Because I specifically wanted to finish all the mainline Final Fantasy games.

Leon's villain arch and role reversal... not great. I just... maybe this one wasn't for me.

#26 Final Fantasy III: Pixel Remaster

Y'know what? Maybe this one wasn't for me either.

We are onion knights with no actual personality or anything, but that's not that much of a change from the personalities we found in FF2.

The job system was fun and interesting and some of the characters, including the fake Warriors of Light, were very cute... but overall, the game just didn't have that much to offer in terms of a compelling story and interesting mechanics.

#25 Cave Crawler

Cave Crawler is a short narrative mystery horror game in which you pilot a drone into a cave and try to uncover the mystery of some terrible incidents.

This game was gifted to me by my friend Blitzer and didn't take me too long to beat. It was creepy, interesting, and definitely made me sit on the edge of my seat.

#24 Final Fantasy V: Pixel Remaster

There's a plot point in which the antagonist fakes his death and travels through dimensions while disguised as a splinter and there's a turtle who loves pizza. The game is silly and slightly frustrating in that sense, but the characters are mostly good (Faris is wonderful) and the job system is really fun!

As is my issue with many other older FF games, there's a lack of direction and a semblance of penalty for over exploring and getting lost. It's a cute time, but like many of its predecessors, I don't see myself revisiting them anything soon.

The great news? With this, I finished all the mainline FF games that aren't 11 and 14! Well... kind of... stay tuned.

#23 Star Ocean: The Second Story R

I loved Star Ocean: Til' the End of Time. I read a preview article about it in Game Informer as a kid and fell in love with the blue haired protagonist and waited for years for the game to come out.

When this game was remade and released, I decided to give it a try! I was... mildly happy with it. I ran a Claude campaign and found that I was pretty frustrated at first that the mage characters, who were the only other characters in my party, wouldn't auto attack after they ran out of MP. Eventually, the game picked up. I missed out on SO many party characters because I wasn't feeling encouraged to recruit or anything... it seemed like it would all come organically in the course of the game when I saw them in cut scenes but... no.

I know that there's a NG+ and... maybe I'll do that? Probably not. :(

#21 Gotham Knights

My older brother bought the preorder deluxe edition and I ended up getting this for ~80% of a few weeks later after it bombed.

Jake loved the Arkham games and was right to be disappointed by this mess.

I am a huge Nightwing fan, so I played Nightwing and... on top of the glitches and the crashes, the game was just... overly repetitive. The different suits and equipment were overly complex for what they were, the night watches were repetitive and boring, and when I finally felt like moving on through the main story...? Well... the main story was fine. But it was short! They expected players to spend tens of hours exploring the city and taking down hoards of bad guys who... never did anything different. So disappointing... I hope they learned their lesson when it comes to Suicide Squad Kills the Justice League but...

#20 Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons

A beautiful and short narrative puzzle game in which you control both brothers in a journey to find medicine. The gameplay was fun and rewarding and the scenery was wonderful but... man... that last third? I get what they were going for but... it was just disappointing.

Apparently there's a cap on the number of pictures I can post here, so please chill a bit while I write up numbers 19-1!

[the-thieves-gambit]

"Yeah," Charlie agreed as he listened to Meli. He indeed knew what it was like to travel, to move and leave things, people, behind. The mention of an aunt reminded him of his. He hadn't talked to them since....well since he was a kid. He wondered what his life would he turned out like had he told her what was happening at home. But that was a disservice to what he had now. Who he had now. He loved where his life was, if he had to walk through hell ten times, he'd do it without hesitation for the life and family he had now. "That's good. Home is difficult to make but it seems like you all did wonderfully making one."

A small shake of his head and a small smile were all her gave her. "I know she had her reasons. I don't hold it against her. I don't like to dwell on what she or I could have done differently. Just know that we have to do what we can with what we have, and hope that it's enough." He had promised Anna that he would become the kind of man she deserved, and months later he had to become the man both he and the son that he didn't know about, both deserved. "I'll keep that in mind."

A laugh. "I will never stop worrying about her, she always seems to find trouble like a moth to a flame." Chewing straight to the center of the blow pop, he shoved the stick into his pocket. "I appreciate it. Truly I do." Lord knew that Elizabeth could watch over herself, but it didn't keep him from worrying that one day when he called her it would go unanswered. That someone would be returning her to him in a casket. Even if they weren't related, she was still his little sister. "So they are more alike than it seems after all," he chuckled.

Listening as they walked, he could imagine his family in it after they fixed it up. Added their own personal touches to it all. Chewing, he smiled as she told him how she got into this business. "You know Meli, I like you. You remind me of my wife. Headstrong, knows what she wants and doesn't take no for an answer." It seemed like his life was now filled with women who wouldn't take any shit, he liked it. Liked that was what Elizabeth was surrounded by as well maybe it was just what she needed. Strength to her was always being able to fight back, these women knew strength of a different kind. "I'll talk to Anna about it, I'm sure she'll love it as well and if your brother-in-law can help with anything we might want to add it would be a great help. "

Charlie realized he had opened his mouth sooner than he should've, he had gotten carried away. "I'll consider it," Charlie said. "We have a business partner who splits time in Tennessee and since Elizabeth is in California so much. I was thinking about it. She did so well with the office here, I feel like maybe it's time to have her open another one. She's always been better than I at adapting to new places quickly and an office space already established would be a great help. With the baby on the way I'll have to stay closer to home or else I'd do it myself this time." Scratching the back of his head he added. "I haven't really talked to her about it just yet, so perhaps we can keep this between us for now?"

"A little bit. Moving is always tough especially when you're moving away from what you know but I think with time we got used to it. At least for me, I was two years older than my brother and sister, it was easier to adapt. I'd had experience with moving before. When I turned two my mom moved us from Dulac to Baton Rouge when she was expecting my baby siblings. I feel like I was the one who kept them from falling apart most days. Hawaii wasn't so different climate wise and we at least had body of water to remind us of home. We made do with what we had. It wasn't all bad you know, our aunt Linda made sure we got a good childhood. You've met her." Mel laughed thinking back to their whacky aunt. "It took some time to adjust but it then became home and the place our kids know as home."

Mel didn't even react as it seemed she and Charlie shared a little more in common. Well, she and the mother of his first child. "First, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's tough but you got a pretty good thing out of it. Secondly, I kind of know the thought process behind not telling the father of your child they even existed. But through that, Orion got the best deal. Having you and your wife love him like you do." It was all a child needed to be honest. Two loving parents willing to go above and beyond for them. "Thirdly, the best advice I got was never to listen to advice. Parenting has no rulebook. It is different for everyone. Shutting out other peoples opinions is the best thing you can do. You'll fumble and think you've ruined your parenting record but really, it's how you learn. It's also where you see how much unconditional love your child gives you. Can't tell you how many times I thought I was the world's worst mother and yet, my kid still looked at me like I hung the moon. All you can do is your best because your best to them is enough."

"Of course," she nodded with a smile. "We take care of our own. I can't say you won't worry about her anymore but at least you'll know she won't be out there without anyone watching out for her best interest too. You and your family." Mel chewed her lip and chuckled. "I can see the reasoning was noble. We did that to my brother once and then we got forbidden from setting him up again. Sometimes gotta let two stubborn heads find each other."

Making her way inside she removed a piece of wood to the side and made sure no nails were scattered around before opening the door and heading right down to the kitchen. "You've got a long hallway that has two sides. One for the living room and the other the kitchen. The cupboards need a little work but still work. The tiles can be changed too which isn't a problem. The island can be taken out too but that's also to whatever is your liking. Actually, yes. When I was pregnant I needed a project. I couldn't sit still for the life of me. Much to my husband's annoyance so Andy set me up in his office. He needed help with the office. Answering calls and the like so I did that. Once I wobbled myself down to one of his sites when he was about to send in the renovating teams in. I came along and fell in love with it. I'm just thankful he didn't put a fight on it or told his brother that I was actually not sitting down. It woke up my love for real estate without having the stresses it came with." she smiled and turned the corner to the living room. "This is another entryway to the living room. "Trust me it was hard but not so much anymore. My brother in law built all of our homes. So we each got to incorporate the things we loved from each open house we went to and he just built our dream homes. Can't want for something when you already have a dream house. I can appreciate the new ones that go on the market without feeling like I'm missing out. If this one is missing anything once you and Anna see it. I'm sure your dream place could become a reality."

"Not sure on California or Georgia, you'll have to ask Andy about that. He's the one that would break it down for you. But Louisiana, there is an office space in New Orleans. It has two floors. Located at Common Street and Gravier street. It has a lot of pedestrian traffic which makes it easily an ideal spot. Pretty sure the tenant pays for electricity and water, sewer and trash are all included. The terms are negotiable though. That's the one I know of because it's two blocks from my mother's company. Are you planning on expanding?"

[generallybarzy]

hey there, stranger. i

SERIES MASTERLIST

summary: when you mention being lonely, Rebecca Seidenberg sets you- their babysitter- up on a blind date with Mat Barzal.

an: hi, i’ve been mia for a few days now due to some stuff, you all know what happened, but anyway here’s something to make my absence better! i know there might be some details that don’t make sense irl but just roll with it please I love the strangers to lovers trope so much. 

word count: 1.6k

Okay, you were lonely.

Ever since moving to New York for your first year of college, endless amounts of studying and work and more little jobs on the side to make ends meet living in the big city had taken up most of your spare time, leaving few opportunities for dating. Even when you did go on dates, they rarely lasted long enough to be called relationships, and not once have you had a serious relationship. This was your 20s, you were supposed to be out there living your life, weren’t you? Stupidly falling in love and getting your heart broken and learning along the way. But instead, you were busy trying to focus on that degree, leaving any hope of a love life behind.

Of course, there was nothing wrong with focusing on your degree, it was a degree you'd been looking forward to getting and you had been lucky enough to get accepted to your dream school, but it would be nice to have a significant other you could hold at the end of the day. Right? None of your many, many dates ended well, though, and though you were still young and didn't need to worry, you were lonely and felt late to the party as all your friends were falling in and out of love. It may have been dumb, but you were beginning to believe you’d never find the right guy.

And that’s where Rebecca Seidenberg stepped in to help.

She was a friend of your mom's and aunt's, and, though you didn't know her personally when you first moved out, word had spread through your family and to family friends, and she reached out to let you know that if you ever needed help in the big city, she would be there. She had been practically a mother figure to you since last year when you moved to New York all alone at 19 years old. She and her hockey player husband lived on Long Island with their children, just a quick commute from your city campus, and apparently, your mom had been in constant contact with her since your big move, checking in and asking someone to watch out for her little girl. You got a call one day asking if you needed any extra cash because, according to your mom, you were good with kids, and the two could use a babysitter for the night.

So, while you resided in a dorm room in the city and worked on campus between classes, you spent a lot of your Friday nights and weekends out on Long Island babysitting for the Seidenbergs when they went out on date nights.

They all quickly came to love you, especially the children, and you found it worth it to spend your weekends with them rather than out on any shitty dates or getting drunk at some stupid, dangerous frat party like a lot of college students. You loved their family, you loved all the genuine love, and could only hope that one day you'd have a relationship with that much love in it. You didn't like to admit how much you wanted a boyfriend, maybe it had something to do with your own insecurity, but you didn't want to think you needed a man. Maybe it had something to do with your fears, too. You didn’t want to get messed up again. You didn't need a man, but how great would it be to have someone there at the end of the day to curl into and rant to and love? It would be amazing. Okay, maybe you were a hopeless romantic. But you’d never admit it.

But about a month ago, as Rebecca was talking to you about a date Dennis was taking her on next week, you were feeling particularly romantic and hopeless. Your second year in college had just started up again, and you had returned to New York from your hometown to settle back into your lonely dorm room. All your friends were either meeting up with their partners after spending the summer apart, or dealing with the loneliness of having to be separate from them for the upcoming year, but you had nobody like that, and just let it slip.

"I wish I could find a guy who loves me like that." You lamented after commenting on how the Seids looked at each other with absolute heart eyes. "It's starting to feel like I'm just destined to be alone."

"What?" She looked at you incredulously, laughing a little as if she couldn't believe you hadn't found anyone. "You're still young, you have plenty of time!"

"Yeah, realistically I know, but I've been on so many dates, and none of them are ever successful.” You groaned, maybe a little dramatically as you thought back to all the dates you’d had since moving out of your parent’s house last year and coming to New York. “And all my friends have, like, solid relationships, or are at least messing around, and I can’t even do that. I feel so far behind.”

“There’s no timeline on love.” She spoke wisely, like the motherly figure you’d been missing. “You’re not falling behind. Anyway, the chances of you meeting the love of your life this young are pretty slim.”

“I know, and I’m not looking for the love of my life. Just… someone, you know?” You thought for a moment, just of having someone to smile with, to hug and to kiss after a hard day. You hadn’t had a true boyfriend since your last year of high school, and that hadn’t ended well. You had fallen hard for the wrongest person in the world, and he had done nothing but hurt you for months. It had definitely messed you up a bit, but you wanted nothing more than to forget about that whole ordeal and come out of your shell again, to love again. “I don't know if I'm being too picky or my standards are too high or something, but I just attract the wrong types of guys."

"Hmm." She gave it thought for a moment, and you knew she was going to work some of her motherly magic. "Well, what are you looking for?"

"I don't know. Just someone who's genuine? Someone who's really passionate and has a big heart. And funny, the guys I date always have the blandest humor and it makes dates so awkward and I'd have to force laughter. Someone who actually cares. I don't think that's too much to ask for, is it?"

"It's definitely not." She laughed for a moment. "I actually know someone who fits in those categories really well."

"Really?"

"If you'll let me, I think I could get him to go on a date with you."

"No, no way, blind dates aren't my thing."

"What's your thing? Dating apps?" You laughed at the playful chirp, but unfortunately, it was true. "Come on, I know it'll go well, even if you don't end up together. He's a great guy!"

"Alright, fine!" You laughed a bit, at both how excited she was and how excited you were to meet this guy she spoke so highly of. "It better be worth it."

"Trust me, you'll love him."

And that's how you ended up here, sitting all alone in the corner of a little coffee shop in Brooklyn, fiddling with the strings coming loose at the sleeves of your oversized sweater. It had been getting chillier out in the past few October weeks, and even though it was cozy and warm inside, you kept your sweater on for comfort, so you had something to fidget with and calm your nerves.

You were so nervous, you were overthinking everything you were doing. Were you dressed okay? Jean, a cute turtleneck with a loose sweater thrown over top, a cute little necklace- too casual? Not casual enough? Was your hair a wreck? You’d thrown it up in a cute bun but had it become a wreck since you walked here through the breeze? Your makeup was simple, but had it covered up the fact that you’d been breaking out due to the stress of your recent surge in classwork? You had already ordered a drink but immediately rethought it. Was it rude to order before he showed up?

As much as you trusted Mrs. Seidenberg, you couldn’t help the nagging feeling that this date would go horribly. He would be here any minute, you were sure of it. You could feel it.

And you were right.

The door to the coffee shop rattled open and in stepped a man who quickly drew your attention away from everybody else. In dark jeans, a tee, and a nice-looking black bomber jacket, he didn’t really stand out, but there was something about him- his aura, the way he held himself, that made him so appealing. That immediately drew your eyes to him. He had dark hair that looked soft to the touch and made you want to run your fingers through it, and his brows were furrowed above searching eyes as he looked around the room, making you think that maybe he was looking for someone. Maybe he was looking for you. Maybe it wasn't too much to hope that this man was your blind date. And the moment his eyes fell on you- the only person sitting all alone in this cafe- your eyes locked. Only then did you realize you’d been staring. His eyebrows quirked up a little bit and you saw a little smile start to pull at the corners of his lips. As he approached your table, you realized your prayers were answered.

He moved in long strides, almost gracefully towards you, and you were so mesmerized with how he approached you that you almost missed his beautiful voice when he spoke to you.

"(Y/N)?"

Breathless, you smiled. "Hey there, stranger."

[firstumcschenectady]

"God, Stress, and Abundant Lives” based on 1 Kings 19:4-8

I'm mad. Mad that we – the big collective we – might have beaten this virus if we trusted our experts and prioritized collective well-being. Mad that we “can't have nice things” still, EVEN THOUGH science provided amazing vaccines in an unbelievably short time. Mad that I have to make decisions no one– including me – likes because the first rule of John Wesley is “first do no harm” and I really believe we have to do that.

But, a friend sent an article this week that pointed out that I'm not mad. I just think I'm mad. Or, more so, that anger is a secondary emotion that works well to mask primary emotions. The article said the emotion that I'm actually feeling is fear. (Note: do not try this at home. Do not tell someone what they're “really feeling” when they tell you what they ARE feeling. Really, truly. DO NOT DO THIS. The article got away with it by taking about generic people and I personalized.) The article speaks about people choosing not to be vaccinated and vaccinated people's anger responses:

Though this new flavor of outrage might look and sound like righteous indignation, mental health professionals say that what’s behind it is fear.

“It’s scary to admit that somebody else has power over you and you’re at their mercy and you’re afraid of them, but showing that is not a very American ideal,” said David Rosmarin, an associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and a clinician at McLean Hospital. “Instead of expressing that fear, it’s a lot more comfortable to blame somebody else.”

Anger is what people in his profession refer to as a “secondary emotion.” It’s a feeling that arises in response to a more primal emotion, like fear and anxiety over having some aspect of your life threatened. “The reality is that there are millions of people who are miseducated about something, they’re making a big mistake that will have massive consequences that might affect you and your family and that makes you scared,” Rosmarin said. “But nobody is saying that.”1

That article also says that part of what people are struggling with is that this was always going to be a “long war” but we didn't get that message from the outset. That fits for me too, I deal better when I have my expectations set correctly.

Two years ago I preached on this passage from 1 Kings 19, and afterwards several of you mentioned that you could hear in it my yearning for a break. (It was fairly soon before my renewal leave.) I hadn't meant to be that transparent then, and it makes me want to be a little bit cautious now, but....the story hasn't changed.

This remains a story of Elijah, prophet of God who has worked diligently for what he believed God wanted him to do. The response to his faithfulness has been a threat of murder that came directly from the palace.

Elijah is too tired to fight anymore. He fled for his life, but in the midst of the flight he lost even the will to live.

He prays, asking God to let him die, which would at least be less violent than the death otherwise planned for him. He'd walked into the desert for a day, and when he prayed he sat under a single broom tree, the only bit of respite he could find. The Bible seems to suggest this is a particularly sad story, it is the same one told of Hagar, having walked into the desert, exhausted her provisions, sat under a broom, and prepared to die. Just like with Hagar though, God meets Elijah there.

You may already know how much I love this story. He falls asleep, and wakes up when provisions have arrived. He eats, he drinks, he falls back asleep. When he awakes, provisions have arrived. He eats, he drinks, AND THEN he was able to go on.

I really love that he needs to sleep, eat, drink, sleep, eat, and drink before he can rouse himself. He has gone far beyond the “have a cup of coffee and keep going” point. He is exhausted. He is out of will power. He is out of a will to LIVE. If I were writing this story though, I'd add in some breathing. “He took intentional deep breathes until he was able to slow his body enough to sleep...” and then the rest of the story. It would make it just a smidge better.

Probably because of the book I just read, I'm noticing that the story as written (and more so as adapted), Elijah is given the chance to “complete the stress cycle” in this story. The book is “Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle” written by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. In their opening chapter, they distinguish between stressors and stress. They point out that we need to complete the stress cycle, no matter what is happening with the stressors. And they name, concretely, how to do that. The first and best option is to “do literally anything to move your body enough to get you breathing deeply” for 20-60 minutes a day.2 Elijah walking into the desert for an entire day seems to qualify.

The Nagoski sisters offer 6 other ways to complete the cycle though: 1. “deep, slow breaths down regulate the stress response”3, 2. positive social encounters (even causal ones), 3. laughter – but the real deep belly laughter kind, 4. physical affection from someone you trust (they suggest a 6 second kiss between partners or a 20 second hug with someone you like, snuggling a pet), 5. crying, and 6. creative expression. In other chapters they also talk about meditation and spiritual connection, so I'm going to add a #7 – whatever prayer practices work for you. They're suggesting that we do at least one of these, and better many of these, every day. Because the stressors keep coming at us. And their book was written in 2019, so it is WAY MORE TRUE today.

So Elijah. He took a long walk (check), I'm all for pretending he took some slow breaths, he maybe had a positive encounter with the angel? (does that count??), and I'm quite sure he cried a lot, the Bible just forgot to mention it. He also took care of his bodily needs for rest, nourishment, and hydration. (Chapter 7 of their book is all about rest.) He also named his despair to God, and naming emotions has a lot of power too.

This little story has a lot of good responses to despair and burnout. Which is good, because many of us are in despair and/or burnout in at least some aspects of our lives.

The pandemic has challenged all of us. The challenges have differed, because we're different, but we've all been challenged. Having another wave is definitely not helping anybody. We're mad, whether or not that's a primary emotion, sad, fearful, and maybe even detached. We're exhausted.

And most of us are comfort seeking. We want things to be easier. We NEED things to be easier. We're looking for things that sooth, ease, comfort, and console. Often, we're looking for things to be “back to normal,” familiar, and make sense like we're used to. We're human. That's how we work.

Another facet of how we work is that when we're in high stress, we revert to earlier and lower levels of emotional functioning. We blame. We over react. We fight. We flee. We gossip. We triangulate. We take all our anxiety and we try to get rid of it by sharing it with others or throwing it at them. This too is human. It is how we work.

No one I know is operating at their best right now. We can't.

What we can do is seek to complete the stress cycles – we can't change most of the stressors, but we can give ourselves the best possible chance to change the stress. Our bodies, minds, and spirits are all connected, they're all “us.” When we care for each of them, we give all of them a chance to do better.

I believe that God calls us all to life abundant. To full, meaningful, connected lives. To spiritual depth and work that matters and relationships that give life. Elijah went from that broom tree to the Mount of Horeb where he deepened his relationship with God, and then on to meet his protege Elisha and started to pass on his labor to the next generation. It wasn't God's intention that Elijah struggle alone, or burn himself out. It isn't God's will that we struggle alone nor burn ourselves out either. God wishes for full, abundant lives for us all. That's part of why we take care of each other, and share love in the world. So, dear ones, I encourage you to complete your stress cycles, name your emotions, connect with your dear ones, engage in prayer, and live life as abundantly as you can. God wants it for us, we want it for each other, and the world needs us as healthy as we can be! May God help us. Amen

1 https://www.statnews.com/2021/08/02/belated-realization-that-covid-will-be-a-long-war-sparks-anger-denial/

2 Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski Burnout: The Secret to Unlokcing the Stress Cycle (New York: Ballantine Books, 2019) p. 14.

3 Nagoski, 15.

[thatssonanii]

Familiar Face (3)

SVU Fic

A month had flown by and Olivia had yet to have the talk Elliot wanted to have. The flurry of cases they both had made that even easier for her.

"Hey, Cap. You busy?" Peach asked knocking lightly on the door.

Olivia waved her in, waiting for her to close the door and have a seat. "What can I do for you, Peach?"

"Just wanted to check on you. You've seemed out of it the last couple of weeks. You okay?"

"You're very observant," Olivia chuckled, "I'm alright, I promise."

Peach smiled, "You're not but it's okay, I know you don't know me yet. Whatever it is that's bothering you will work out."

"What about you? How do you like being here? Settled in okay?"

"I like it, its different from what I'm used to but a good different." Peach explained nodding her head. "I'm still getting use to Rollins though."

Olivia pushed her glasses up on her face to look at her phone, "Rollins is not fond of change at all. Its not you, its that. She'll come around though."

"I'll remember that. I'll leave you to whatever or whoever is on your phone." Peach left the office going to her desk looking through some paperwork.

"Busy tonight Rollins?" Fin asked twisting in his chair.

She looked away from her computer and shook her head. "Besides hanging with my two at home, no. Why?"

"Dinner tonight to celebrate Peach's first month with us and Nick's first month at violent crimes. You in?"

"Nick's at violent crimes?" She asked giving him her full attention. "I didn't know that."

Fin shrugged smiling, "Either way, we're celebrating. You comin?"

Rollins nodded, "Yeah, I'll go celebrate with him. I just gotta let the babysitter know I'll be later."

Peach chuckled under her breath at Rollins choice of words. The other detective had been making little remarks and doing little things to piss Peach off but it hadn't worked thus far.

"Who's all coming?" Kat asked

"Us four of course, Nick, Phoebe and Carisi. It'll be like a family reunion." Fin joked before picking up his ringing desk phone.

Rollins went back to her computer and rolled her eyes, "A family reunion with extras."

"What was that, Amanda?" Peach asked smiling.

"Nothing, nothing, just talking to myself. I hope you don't feel any way that you have to share your celebratory dinner with our old coworker."

"Nope, I don't. I actually suggested that Nick and I have our dinners together. Wouldn't make sense to have two separate ones."

Rollins glanced at her, "You suggested to share a dinner with a stranger? Southern hospitality at its finest."

Peach chuckled shaking her head. "He's not a stranger. Me and Nick are friends and we used to be partners. We were undercover together as well."

"Huh, is that so? He never mentioned you while he was here."

"There was no need for him to mention me while he was at work. But trust me we're close friends."

Kat watched and listened to the conversation closely, she knew Peach and she knew when her friend started to get agitated and wanted to intervene when she noticed it was getting close to that moment. As much as Rollins worked Peach's nerves, Peach had never said anything out of the way to Rollins or about Rollins. However, Rollins complained about Peach whenever she could and to whoever she could.

----

Olivia stood in her kitchen fixing dinner for her and Noah. Her son came running from the back of the apartment from his room when he heard a knock at the door. Olivia laughed hearing his feet.

"Ask who it is before you open it, Noah."

"Who is it?" He yelled standing at the door.

"Elliot! Open up, Noah." He yelled with a hint of laughter in his voice.

Before she could stop him, Noah snatched the door open with a wide smile on his face. He launched himself at Elliot as soon as the older man stepped in, hugging him tight.

"Whats going on, buddy? I take it you missed me?" Elliot laughed hugging him back.

"Yeah! Mom said you've been busy with work."

Elliot nodded glancing over at Olivia, who still had her back to them. "Yeah, work's been busy but I'm here now. Why don't you go play for a bit while your mom and me talk."

Watching him run off, Elliot went to the kitchen area sitting on the stool at her breakfast bar. He let her move around in silence for a few minutes.

"I've been calling you, Liv."

"I know but between work and Noah I've been so busy. I'm sorry, El."

Elliot nodded rubbing his hands together. "At least turn around and look at me while you lie to me. You've been avoiding me."

Turning the stove down, Olivia moved to lean against the counter finally looking at Elliot. She couldn't help the small smile that started to spread on her face.

"You could've just not asked, El. We could've just let it be."

Elliot shrugged, "I could've but if we're really moving past everything then this needs to be discussed. So let's discuss."

"Not with Noah here."

"If we don't talk tonight, right now then you're gonna avoid me again," Elliot replied shaking his head, "You said it yourself when he's in his room playing he doesn't hear anything. Now let's talk."

Olivia sighed wiping a hand down her face. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Let's start with why you didn't tell me about Noah?"

"You left, El. It was three months before I even realized and how was I supposed to tell you?"

"That was something that was important to tell, Liv. It's not easy but you say it," he sighed. "The night that you and I spent together ... did you regret it?"

"No of course not. No." She replied immediately.

"Then you should've told me. I wanna hear you say it, tell me."

Olivia stared at him trying to make herself say it. She never said it out loud to anyone not even aloud to herself. And here she was having to say it to the very person that helped her into this situation.

----

"Well, well, look at what the wind blew in," Fin laughed standing up to greet Nick. "And with a beard at that."

Nick laughed hugging Fin then Phoebe. "Had to start looking my age. Got tired of everyone calling me choir boy."

"You'll always be chior boy to me, man," Fin replied sitting back down. "Everybody else said they're on their way. How's the job treating you?"

"Actually pretty good. Captain and me get along pretty well so do me and my partner so that's all I can ask for. You used to work with him, right? Stabler."

Fin nodded, "Sure did. For years. He can be an ass and a hot head but a good dude. Kinda like you."

Nick chuckled, "I'll take that as a compliment. How's Peach doing with you guys? Yall taking care of her?"

"She fits in pretty good, Rollins hadn't come around yet. Wait, why? You got a thing for your ex- partner?"

"No, not that. We're friends. We go back to my vice undercover days. What's Rollins deal with her?" Nick asked getting comfortable.

Fin shrugged. "You know Amanda, she's real finicky sometimes. I ain't figured out what the deal is but I'm sure she'll tell us eventually."

"Speak of the devil," Nick joked under his breath seeing Rollins walk in with Carisi behind her. He smiled, "Long time no see Amanda. What's going on, Carisi? You two a thing now? Finally."

Carisi shook his head quickly sitting across from the others. "No, not at all. We both just got here at the same time is all. Look at you with this beard, man."

Rollins shot Carisi a look then hugged Nick. "Well don't say it like it's such a bad thing. Hey, Nick. How ya doing?"

"I'm good, I'm good. What about your girls? How are they?"

She got comfortable in the seat beside Nick. "They're good, a handful but good. How's Zara and Maria?"

"Good," Nick nodded, "Zara's happy to be back in New York, wasn't too fond of LA."

"And Maria? She happy to be back?"

"I guess she would be if she was here," Nick shrugged with a small smile on his face. "So, Carisi, DA's office treating you good?"

Carisi laughed, "If good means giving me ulcers then yeah. I don't enjoy it everyday but I don't regret my decision."

"You wouldn't have ulcers if you stayed a cop." Rollins rolled her eyes trying to sound as playful as possible

Nick looked between the two of them, thankful he didn't have to deal with her snide remarks anymore. "He had to do what was best for him, Amanda. You can't fault him for that."

"I'm just saying," she shrugged, "He could've waited."

"Waited for what?" Carisi asked with a frown.

Before Rollins could respond, Kat and Peach approached the table laughing and talking loudly. Kat started to hug everyone.

"The second guest of honor is here so the celebrating can begin," Peach announced excitedly.

"I promise she hasn't started drinking yet," Kat joked sitting to the right of Carisi, "This is just how she talks off the clock and when she's excited."

Fin laughed pulling away from hugging Peach. "Loudest I've heard you talk this whole month."

"There was no reason to talk that loud at work," she responded playfully.

Smiling, Nick got up going around the table with his arms open wide. "Get over here and gimmie a hug, girl!" The two friends embraced tightly for a minute or so before letting go. "Haven't seen your mug in a while, munchkin."

Peach laughed pushing him playfully. "I told you about the name, Nick. And you act like you don't talk to me at least two or three times a week."

"So what? I can't miss your mean ass face?" Nick joked. "These people get to see it every day just about."

"Oh whatever, Nick. Move," she laughed going to sit to the left of Carisi, "Is this you dressing down?"

Nick went back to his seat laughing but noticed the look on Rollins face. He leaned in close to her to keep his voice down. "What's with your face?"

"Nothing, nothing. You and her close, huh?"

"Yeah we are. That's my friend."

Carisi laughed fixing his shirt, "I didn't wanna be overdressed in my suits but this was still a celebration. Does it not look nice?"

Peach raised a brow playfully. "No, no, it looks nice. You look good, Carisi."

"I see you dressed up as well. Showin' leg, huh?"

"I don't get to dress up that often so I figured I'd show out a little. Too much?" She asked looking over at him.

Carisi looked down then back at her face, "Na, not too much. You look beautiful. Did you drive?"

"Thank you," she shook her head, "Nope. Me and Kat wanted to drink tonight so we're gonna get a Uber."

"You know how I feel about that."

Peach shrugged playfully. "I know but we're gonna be together and we love in the same building." Carisi stared over at her making her roll her eyes. "Fine, fine. You can take us home, Dominic."

"Thank you very much, Bianca."

Rollins squinted at the two, "What's so funny you two?"

"Shhh," Peach laughed, "Yall hear that?"

Fin frowned a little and chuckled. "Hear what?"

"The sound of somebody minding my business again."

----

Olivia sighed softly fixing the three dinner plates, she had yet to say what Elliot wanted to hear. She knew she was going to have to say it before Noah came out to eat but she was buying time. Taking the plates over to the breakfast bar, Olivia sat them down then grabbed Elliot's hands.

"The night we spent together after that case with that boy Hunter was the night I got pregnant," Olivia explained softly, "I didn't find out until a few months later, by that time you were already gone. Cragen let me stay as long as I could then I went out on leave until Noah was about six months. I never told anybody but Fin and Cragen figured it out when they say him."

Elliot squeezed her hands smiling, "Thank you for finally telling me. Thank you."

"Wait," Noah called out, "You had a baby before me, Mom?"

Olivia and Elliot stared at each other then at Noah speechless.

[blacklilyqueen]

Imperio

A while ago I had this horrible idea of Sirius being forced to kill Marlene, so here it is.

Warning: Angst, major character death

Word count: 1927

Tag list: @padfootagain @marvelcapsicle @matrixaffiliate @blackinnon-until-the-very-end @marlmckitten @mckinnon1979

Sirius opened his eyes. Nothing, just black. Again he pinched them together, opened them and tried once again to recognize anything, but remained unsuccessful. His surroundings were shrouded in deep darkness and made it impossible for him to have even a hint of where he was. Slowly he tried to get up, but something kept him from doing so and instead forced him to stay there as if he was bound by a spell. When he realized that he would not succeed on this path, he tried to remember what had happened last.

He had been on his way home when they suddenly appeared out of nowhere. Three Death Eaters who had ambushed and surrounded. He had been busy fending off two of their attacks when the third suddenly turned his wand against Sirius and a red lightning struck him right in the chest. Afterwards? Nothing. Until he finally woke up in this dark room without knowing exactly where he was. The only thing he knew was that he had a huge problem.

All of a sudden he heard footsteps approaching him and the next moment a door that he hadn't even noticed before opened. By the light that from outside he could see the silhouette of a person entering the room and lighting some candles so that Sirius could finally see more. The room itself had nothing special to offer, except for the few candlesticks it was completely empty, but through the fire he could now see the face of the person in front of him. His breath stopped when eyes as grey as his sparkled at him, a disgusting grin on her face. Bellatrix.

"Well, who do we have here? Has ickle Sirius strayed here?"

"Fuck off," he had just pronounced the words when suddenly a piercing pain ran through him. Every cell of his body seemed to burn, his whole body bent and he screamed loudly. As fast as the pain had come, it vanished and Sirius could hear the crazy witch's nagging laugh.

"Watch your language, little cousin. Didn't Auntie Walburga teach you?"

"What do you want from me?" Knowing that Bellatrix would torture him any time just for pleasure, he asked her the question because something told him that this time there was more to it than just her usual hatred for him.

"Well, actually it's not about you, but much more about that little blood traitor slut you love to spend time with. What was her name again? Marlene?"

"I swear to you, if you get too close to her I will-," before he could finish the sentence, he lay screaming on the floor again, the pain even worse than the first time.

"Then you will what? I doubt that you are capable of doing anything at all at the moment. So back to your little girlfriend. Where is she right now?"

"Do you really think that I would tell you anything? If so then you are actually even dumber than I thought. You can torture me as long as you want, but you will certainly not get any information from me," Sirius didn't know what reaction he expected, but to his surprise Bellatrix just started to laugh.

"Sweet, naive Sirius, I'm not going to torture you for this. I will torture you, yes, but certainly not because of that, what would the point be. But there are some nice other methods to get what you want to know," she took a little break. Her face had become a grimace as she pointed her wand at Sirius. "Imperio. So again, where is Marlene?”

Sirius felt his head getting heavier and heavier. His own thoughts suddenly seemed unimportant and the only thing he could think of was the question he had just been asked. His mouth opened a little when a voice in his head yelled loudly at him not to do it. Slowly he understood what he was about to do and tried to free himself from his trance. Bellatrix seemed to have noticed this and pointed her wand at him again and the next moment it was all blurry again.

"She is… She..." he tried frantically not to say the words, but her magic was so strong that he couldn't help it. "She is with her family. They are all at home with their parents.”

As soon as he had said it, he understood what he had just done, despite his still very foggy senses. The whole thing was only made worse by Bellatrix. Her eyes sparkled in psychopathic euphoria and a horrible mad laughter echoed from all corners of the room.

"See, it wasn’t that hard. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I should pay the little one a visit. After all, she almost belongs to the family thanks to you."

Compulsively Sirius tried to free himself from the magic spell that kept him from any movement, but it was impossible. Swearing, he shouted at Bellatrix, who found his hopeless attempts all too amusing. The show of her blood traitor cousin falling apart at the thought that he might lose Marlene gave her a new idea. And even for the disturbed witch, it made even some of Bellatrix's previous cruelties look like a bad joke.

Happy laughter was carried outside through the open windows of the living room. Lately, it has become increasingly rare for all McKinnon siblings to gather at their parents' and spend time together. Nicolai and Iliana, the two elders, had moved out many years ago and even had children playing outside in the large garden. Kagan was busy with his ministry work almost around the clock and rarely had a day off. Cole wanted to see as much of the world as possible before settling back in Scotland and thinking about his future. And Marlene was busy almost daily with missions for the Order in these difficult times. All this made the carefree moments like these, when they could just laugh together, all the more precious.

But everything beautiful must come to an end and unfortunately it was time for this one to. A red bolt of light shot through the room out of nowhere and hit Mr. McKinnon right in the chest, causing him to tip over from the chair as if frozen. The rest of the family pulled their wands as fast as they could. Nicolai and Iliana ran into the garden with their partners to get the children to safety as quickly as possible.

Another flash, this time green, shot into the room and only missed Marlene by a hair's breadth. Tense, she stared out of the window and tried to find the origin of the whole thing when she was under fire again. She fended off the spells as good as she could, but it seemed to her as if they were getting more and more.

From the part of the garden she couldn't see, she heard loud screams and could clearly hear the voices of her siblings, brothers-in-law and nieces, all panicked and confused. The rest of the family wanted to rush to them, but at that moment three Death Eaters appeared. Luckily, they were able to take on them with their combined strength. But as soon as that was done, they heard footsteps in the room above them. The two remaining brothers made their way up to take care of the Death Eaters there.

Again Marlene and her mother tried to help their family outside and were again surrounded by Death Eaters. This time there were not only three, but six. Each of the McKinnon women tried to take on three of them and were separated from each other until Mrs. McKinnon had finally completely disappeared from the room and her daughter's field of vision.

By that time, Marlene had already managed to take out two Death Eaters. The last one, however, was much more persistent than his two fellow combatants and so he managed to disarm Marlene in an uncovered moment. Her wand flew through the air and landed at the other end of the room. The Death Eater pointed his wand at her again. Panic spread all over her body and at the same time it was as if her heart stood still and maybe it did for a moment. She heard the spell being called before she saw the bright light. Although she wanted to fight, although she wanted to live, she was already prepared to die.

She didn't know what she was realizing first. The fact that she in fact wasn't dead or the fact that it wasn't the Death Eater in front of her who had just cast the spell. Logically, she should have heard immediately that the words were being spoken behind her and that the bright light was flashing past her from behind. And yet it was only the motionless body of the Death Eater that fell hard to the ground, that made her realize that she was not dead, and only then came the realization that he could not be the cause of it.

Jerkily she turned around and to her great joy saw her father standing in front of her with his wand raised. Although he still had to lean against the table with one hand, he seemed to be doing well by and large. Relief spread to Marlene. Her father also seemed relieved that his youngest was well. He just opened his mouth to say something when a green lightning hit him and this time he finally went down.

Marlene gave a terrible scream. Every inch of her body was burning to run to him, to scream at him to get up, but the small rational part in her head prevailed that advised at her to see where the danger had come from. She turned her head in the direction of the stairs to the upper floors to locate the source of the curse and looked into the face she unfortunately knew all too well. Bellatrix Lestrange.

"I'm sorry to just barge in here, but a little birdie told me I'd find you here and what could be a better way to meet my baby cousin's newest whore?”

"Better than killing my family? Yes, I'm sure for you there's nothing better. So are you going to just kill me with avada kedavra now or are you just going to keep talking and hope I die because you're wasting all the oxygen?"

"I'm supposed to kill you? Oh, no, where's the fun in that? He'll do that for me," another figure appeared on command, and when Marlene realized who it was, it made her blood freeze.

"Sirius?"

But there was no answer. He just stood there as if in a trance, his gaze stubbornly directed at her and yet he didn't really seem to look at her. His face was completely free of emotion and his movements resembled those of a creepy puppet when he reached for his wand and pointed it at her.

"Sirius, no! Don't do this! She manipulates you. Snap out of it! SNAP OUT OF IT! SIRIUS!"

But no matter what she screamed, nothing seemed to reach him. Her screams became louder and louder, more and more desperate. Tears began to flood her face. Her screaming became more and more a plea, a hope to reach the part of him that was his true self.

"Sirius, please," it was only a small whisper, but it was all the strength she had left and in the next moment she saw the green light coming towards her.

---------------------------------------------------

Hope you liked it, there will probably be a second part in which Sirius realizes what he did.

[bladeshowers]

💗 / Amara and void

Send ‘💗‘ to find out what my muse truly thinks & feels about yours!

Green hues settle fondly on the voidsents slumbering form. If he wasn't asleep, he was resting, and she didn't want to disturb him. As quietly as she could, she leaned over, pressing her lips to his head affectionately. The brunette rose from the bed, her silken crimson robe slipping over her shoulders. Her feet carried her over to her dresser slash desk where she settled. Normally it was where she took care of her hair and make-up on the rare occasions she wore it. Tonight was not one of those nights.

A small and controlled fire spell lit the candle on top. She bent low and opened one of the drawers. After a moment of digging, she procured a leather-bound book. Once it was laid flat, she opened it to a new page. Amara quickly glanced over her shoulder to ensure Ophiucus hadn't moved before her quill was dipped into ink and she began to write.

It’s odd how things can change from moment to moment. ‘Tis a rare occurrence for Ophiucus and I to quarrel with one another. I believe we know one another on a fundamentally unique level due to our pact-bond. Though that may also be my bias talking and desire to be special. Regardless, it finally happened. That frayed cord holding everything back finally snapped and I shouted that I loved him like a lunatic. He took it better than I expected. Perhaps because it is the truth. Perhaps because it only strengthens our connection. Maybe he returns my feelings in his own way. The distinction matters little in the end I suppose.

There are a few droplets of ink that spill as she sits back and pauses on what to write next.

I am glad that no one interfered before I finally let it slip. I could practically sense certain Scions getting frustrated with my lack of honesty regarding the situation. Their view of the world is entirely optimistic at times. Given my own experiences I had been trying to refrain. Half because I wasn’t sure what good it could do and I felt it was obvious.

I formed a crush on him after I summoned him. It wasn’t right away, obviously, even if I did consider him attractive. At that point I was concerned about my safety and kept my distance. Ophiucus isn’t easily dissuaded though. Being a very falliable woman I found him charming and attractive. After that it was just a matter of time. I was attached to him by the time we first slept together which only solidified my choice in him. I can’t quite figure out when I fell in love with him. Whether it was the first time he saved my life or much, much later, I cannot say.

All I know is that one day I woke up, gazed at his face with this stupid smile on mine, than promptly had a heart attack upon the realization that I couldn’t bear to be without him. At least things have worked out.

Amara doodles a few hearts on the page before she’s writing again.

He did warn me that to be with him is to allow the void into my heart. To become one in essence. I suppose it’s a good thing I’ve begun to chronicle my journey if that does happen. Ha ha.

She smiled wryly.

It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. After all, he’s spent so much time here on the Source with me, it’s only fair. Besides, wouldn’t I just… die anyways if I didn’t? The choice to either remain here on the Source for the rest of my days or eventually become corrupted and return to the void seems like an easy one. I would give him anything he asked of me (within reason) so this seems reasonable even if it does frighten me. I trust him to take care of me in that situation at least.

Not to mention it solves any questions about romantic partners from my family. Somehow I doubt introducing him to them would be a wise move. I suppose if he wants to meet them, he can, though I'd get nervous about him meeting my brother. Everyone else seems to prefer him to me. The last thing I want is for that to happen with Ophiucus too.

I still have trust issues when it comes to my family. I'm trying to work on it but I still prefer to keep my life as Warrior of Light away from my family. Though I prefer to keep most of my life from them as is. So far, so good on that front though. - A.S

With her thoughts and musings dedicated to paper, she placed the quill back in its well, journal away, and stood. Her arms stretched above her head before she returned to bed. Her body pressed in and snuggled against his.