#i had two cans of this like 8% alcohol cider but i haven’t drank in almost a month so it hit me sooo hard lmao

[wickedhawtwexler]

if my grandmother knew how many times i have navigated the nyc subway system while very intoxicated it would probably kill her. so nobody tell 🤫

[thefirespiral-blog]

I haven’t had a drink since Tuesday, May 18, 2021. I didn’t even have a good last hurrah - it was cheap saké that I warmed in an oversized bottle in a small pan of water - y’know, like syrup - and local hard cider. I know I drank all the cider (a tall can, maybe more than one) and I think I drank most of the saké. Some people plan that last drink with some ritual, but I, well, I didn’t. I passed out fell asleep just like any other night. I’m sure I told myself I was done drinking, or something like it before I drifted off. No ritual at all. Just the same ol’ same ol’. I had no idea what was coming in the morning.

For some people, my decision to stop drinking and using cannabis seemed to come out of nowhere. I’d actually been working on it - mostly without awareness - for decades. Every spiritual thing I’d ever done, every therapy session I attended, every moment of insight, every book about trauma, body love, self-love, growth, every political awakening, every experience, every lifequake, every deep conversation I’d had to that point - these things and more all led me to sobriety. 

In 2021, I woke up on Wednesday, May 18th at 8 AM. After snoozing as much as I could, pushing through feeling like absolute shite (as usual), and winning the debate about whether I felt up to going to work (mostly usual), I followed the rest of my morning routine. That consisted of reviewing how much I’d drank the night before, how terribly I’d slept, and how awful my stomach felt.  I checked my phone and social media to make sure I hadn’t said or posted something I regretted. Somehow, on this particular day, when I swore to stop drinking, it was like an oath to the godds. I knew I was done. I was never going to drink alcohol again. 

Prior Attempts

I was newly 40 when my dad died unexpectedly in 2011. He was only 61, and there is absolutely no doubt that a lifetime of hard drinking, many drugs, and a two-pack-a-day cigarette habit had a lot to do with that. For the first time, I felt my own mortality, the sense that I really don’t have forever to do the things I want to do or to live the life I wanted to live. I entertained the idea that I had a drinking problem, though not for the first time. 

The first time I realized my drinking was not normal happened years earlier, in the wake of losing Jasmine. Jasmine was my 10-year-old daughter, lost to complications from a lung transplant in 2004. By late 2005 I was drinking up to 2 bottles of wine per day, and somehow still managing to hang onto a full-time job - just barely. I had no PTO and my attendance was a regular talking point in reviews. I was not, however, doing a great job of hanging on to my marriage, parenting, being a friend, or much of anything else. My life was an absolute train wreck, the proverbial hot mess. My playlists often included hits such as “Where is My Mind,” and “Something Is Not Right With Me,” and “I Need Some Sleep” and endless replays of the entirety of The Fragile. (Pixies, Cold War Kids, The Eels & Nine Inch Nails, respectively)  When I look back now, I often feel like I need to apologize endlessly to the people who loved me in my 30’s and early 40’s. I was seriously out of my fucking head with grief and figuring out who I was. Thank the godds for you all, you know who you are. From the heart, I wouldn’t be here without you. Especially Jeff.

I did a month without alcohol at the behest of my counselor in 2006 or so. I was successful, but it was challenging when I visited my family and tried to explain why I wasn’t drinking. Generally speaking, it was a dynamic in my family that drinking and smoking weed was a group activity.  To not do so was not only a betrayal of how we interacted but also an indictment of the decision to drink. If I said I wasn’t drinking, that was like saying I didn’t want to be part of the family and that I was judging and insulting their drinking and drug habits. I managed to do the time my therapist and I agreed upon… and not much more than that. Between my mental and emotional health and my social situation, it was too hard not to drink. 

Fast forwarding to my dad’s death in 2011, it became harder to ignore my drinking. I “experimented” with AA in early 2012 - trying it for six months for a class project. I again left myself an ��option” of starting to drink again at the end of that time if I “felt like” I could do it without having a problem. Naturally, that means I was drinking again as soon as my class project ended. I totally hung in for that entire six months, didn’t drink, attended 2-3 meetings a week, hated most (all) of the program literature. I learned that AA was (and is) not a good fit for me, but also to be completely honest? I wasn’t ready to quit yet. I especially wasn’t ready to quit if AA was the way I had to do it - all I wanted to do after I left those meetings was have a glass (or let’s be real, a bottle)  of wine.  I looked into SMART Recovery at the same time, but I couldn’t find any meetings that I could attend. Remember this was pre-Zoom era, so in-person was really the only way to go for support meetings. I also really worried about my relationships and what would happen if I dropped out of social drinking. I was afraid no one would really think sober me was much fun and I would end up isolated and alone.

In December 2020 I received some bad health news - I was starting to show signs of liver damage, signs that made it so I could no longer ignore or deny the impact my drinking was having on my health. Not just my physical health, mind you, but emotional, mental, and spiritual health as well. So I tried to stop drinking on my own. 

I tried moderation first, making rules and agreements that didn’t even last a week. I always had a reason why any given day was exceptional and I should “bend” the rule and drink. While I didn’t always get drunk when I was drinking during this time, it had been many, many years since I’d gone more than a few days without a drink. Even when I was really sick, I would rationalize reasons why I should drink anyway. “The alcohol will kill the bad germs in my gut.” “Whiskey toddies are just the thing for a cold!” “I have a sore in my mouth - definitely need to clean it out with some whiskey.” The lies I told myself - that I knew were lies - were ridiculous. When I think about it now, those lies make me cringe, but mostly I recognize them as a symptom of struggling to come to terms with alcohol use disorder.

2021

Back to that particular day in 2021 -  I knew I was done but that I couldn’t deal with it on my own, especially not while working full time and managing a house full of people. I looked for a local treatment center and found Awakenings By the Sea, a women-only in-patient facility that was less than 20 miles from home. I called and spoke to the intake coordinator before I went to work that Wednesday morning. She assured me I could participate without having to use the 12-step model. I got the logistics in order, took some books and other tools to work my own recovery program, and told my family and coworkers that I needed to be gone for a while. My boss moved heaven and earth to make it so I could enter for a 30-day visit within 4 days. I will forever be grateful to him for helping get my Self back. I checked into treatment on Sunday, May 23, 2021. I was terrified. I needed to be there. And I was, in the end, awakened.

Reflections on The Work

I have spent the past 12 months doing so much work - hard work - on myself. Work that honestly? I think anyone could benefit from regardless of their alcohol/substance use status. Plenty of other behaviors arise from the same roots as addiction - workaholism, orthorexia, codependency, etc. They’re called process addictions, and they’re just another way of coping that becomes harmful. I think these are ubiquitous and especially lethal because they are often rewarded. They destroy relationships, lives, health, finances… all the same things that substances destroy.

I stopped using cannabis and psychedelics at about the same time as alcohol - my last day of using was May 20, 2021. I wasn’t sure if I would continue to use cannabis after I stopped drinking. I hadn’t made up my mind completely even when I left treatment. While I had some spiritual experiences with cannabis and some mushroom/LSD microdosing, I realized that mostly, I was using these things to cope (badly) with trauma. I know that for the foreseeable future, I cannot guarantee that I wouldn’t start to use them to do that if I were to try them again. I have not ruled out future use for spiritual journeying, but I have to say I can’t currently see my way to doing so safely.

Between 2021 and 2022 I have surprised myself over and over. I have felt feelings that I’d rather not feel, but NEEDED to feel. I have taken an unflinching look at myself and that shite ain’t easy. I have touched my shadow, shined a light on it, healed what I could, and honored the rest. Getting sober isn’t easy. But I can’t believe how much better my life is for doing it. I would never have believed it before going through this past year myself. I remember scoffing, again and again, at people’s stories of how sobriety changed their lives in miraculous, magickal ways. What I know now is that it’s not a miracle and it’s not magick. It’s not an act of God or godds. It’s me giving a fuck about myself. Loving myself. Working hard. Seeing that I am, in fact, pretty awesome. Healing. Wanting to be clear for myself and only myself. It’s me knowing why I don’t drink and never questioning that decision.

One year later there has been so much change. Even as the external world feels like it’s falling apart (and it is, in many ways) my life has become different in all the RIGHT ways. I learned that being 100% present, living my life the way I always dreamed was actually possible. I learned (and am learning) so many things.

5 Incredible Things About Being Sober

I love and experience wonder about the person I am. In the past 12 months, I have learned more about myself and how to build the life I want to live than I learned in the last 12 years. I built a platform for sobriety and for truly loving myself in my work with Reclaiming Tradition Witchcraft and Diana’s Grove. My sobriety rests solidly on that work, and I continue to experience and learn in that spiral pattern, coming back to old lessons and learning new things over and over. I’m remembering and discovering what brings me joy. I’m figuring out what actually matters instead of what “should.”

I discovered that there are mental health diagnoses that were hiding under alcohol use disorder - things like bipolar II and rejection sensitivity dysphoria. I learned that what has long been a diagnosis of major depressive disorder is actually a component of bipolar II disorder. I’ve been having hypomanic cycles for years, masked by alcohol. My bank account can definitely testify to this, and so can my life partner. Though C-PTSD was diagnosed well before I stopped drinking, I have a fuller sense of how the trauma has impacted and continues to impact me. Learning about trauma, how it lives in the body, and how it was part of my alcohol use disorder helped lay the background for healing my disordered eating and alcohol use. I’m still learning about trauma and will be for the rest of my life. I think being trauma-informed is as necessary as critical thinking in both my personal world and the world at large.

Thanks to DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) and CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), I’ve gathered many tools for emotional regulation, mindfulness, and generally processing my emotional reaction to things. I’ve successfully learned new ways (and gotten better at old ways) of feeling my feelings, honoring them, and giving them space before I engage with anyone or anything. I used to believe I was hopeless - never going to be able to be good at dealing with my emotions. I drank to drown them. These are the most important tools I’ve honed (and continue to hone) for sobriety. I’m learning how to advocate for myself, and how to know something is true for me without needing it to be validated by someone else. The concept of standing in my truth used to be nebulous to me, but it’s become more and more clear and defined since I decided to live without alcohol.

I take better care of my body. I take my prescribed medications and supplements on a regular schedule. I practice intuitive eating and enjoy delicious, nourishing food. I move my body more: fitting in little walks, being more physically active at work, taking the long way to get to things. My sleep - which is critical to, like, everything about my health, improved considerably. I’ve known for a long time that alcohol really fucks with your sleep, both from reading about it and experiencing it. Even still, I had no idea how much it would improve over time when I stopped drinking. I have sleep issues related to trauma anyway, but my sleep is 100% better than it was when I was drinking, even if it’s not 100% as good as most people’s.

I still have an aging body with some diagnoses that will likely never go away. Gravity is real, aging is a bitch, things fall apart, you know the drill. That said, all of those diagnoses are much improved. My liver, after sounding the alarm with pain and swelling, is now healed. I have more energy. I don’t forget as many things, and when I do, I know for damned sure it’s not because I was under the influence of alcohol or anything else. My brain healed tremendously after decades of drowning in wine. And it’s still healing, as is the rest of my body. It takes a long time to recover from alcohol use disorder. 

I’m more honest and thoughtful in my relationships and interactions. I have a buffer between my emotions that comes from a deep peace and wisdom I never had. My reaction is more balanced and in alignment with my values - I am more grounded than ever before. While I still have moments of wishing I’d dealt with a situation differently, most of the time I feel good about how I handle the hard conversations. I stand firmly in my truth these days, even as I can be receptive and compassionate to other truths. I take my time before I respond to situations, especially when they’re emotionally charged. I speak now with conviction rather than self-doubt and a lack of clarity. I am more accountable and less flaky. I’m a better friend, a better partner, a better parent, a better aunt - better at all these things because I don’t feel so fucking unhinged and reactive.

My marriage, well. Jeff is either crazy or a saint for sticking with me through this: ::flails wildly at the past three decades:: Maybe both. Aren’t most saints crazy? Anyway, the guy stuck around despite my best attempts to drive him away. I wasn’t coping with trauma well, or at all, actually. I was just trying to drown it. Glad I’ve learned better. I’m hoping to spend the rest of my life showing Jeff it was worth it to stick around. Not drinking has made our relationship better in about a million ways. For me, that means we’re closer and our conversations are more balanced. I have been relinquishing the need for power and control for many years, but when I stopped drinking, I cut the last bits away. Part of this story is Jeff’s, and he can tell it - or not - as he wishes. I love you so much, Jeff. Definitely don’t deserve you, am glad I regained my sanity for the rest of our lives. We both know that a relationship that lasts long is rarely, if ever, easy. They take work. We’re pretty muddy from it, aren’t we? But look what we have created, this kintsugi of a relationship.

I have made new, wonderful friends in my journey and/or have renewed or deepened existing friendships. The power of community always prevails, even for us introverts. As is often the case, a few relationships changed and some kinda fizzled out. Some relationships have been ended because they were toxic. I don’t love that, but also, I am not willing to sacrifice myself to change it. And…this is a tiny number of relationships. Mostly I’ve made some authentic connections with people that I just wouldn’t have been able to make when I was drinking. My life is just so much clearer now. And of course, I had also damaged - sometimes irreparably - many relationships while under the influence. At least now I know if I’m the asshole it ain’t ‘cause I was drinking.

There are SO many more ways to get sober besides the 12-step model. Thank the godds I have always remained an active, avid reader - it was a book that showed me the way to the program that ultimately worked for me. I started with a book/program that was a feminist, empowered modification of the 12-step model (“Many Roads, One Journey'' by Charlotte Kasl). I found something even better while I was in treatment - the Tempest program (it’s online). This program was created by Holly Whitaker, who wrote “Quit Like A Woman,” and it is a very trauma-informed, science/evidence-based and progressive program.** 

There’s never been a time of more choices to reach sobriety than now. It’s pretty fucking fantastic. At one point, I was participating in meetings from The Luckiest Club (based on Laura McKeown’s work), Soberful (based on Veronica Valli’s work), Recovery Dharma and SMART Recovery. All of these have robust online presences - no local group is required to participate and benefit. And there are SO MANY great podcasts out there! If the 12-step model works for you, that’s great! But it is so very important that people know that isn’t the only way, nor should it be the default setting for how to get sober.

I am creating the life I’ve always wanted. Since I quit drinking, I have rediscovered the facts that I live in the place I always wanted to live in (the Pacific Northwest), that my house is the home I always dreamed of (an older two-story with lots of trees and green growing things all around), and that I now am doing the work I always wanted to do! Way back in 1996 I responded to an interview question about where I saw myself in 20 years. I said that I would be finished with my college degree and working in a women’s shelter where I could help women rebuild their lives following violence and substance abuse. And here I am! My 20-year timeline was off - mostly due to my drinking - but I made it. I fucking made it and the naysayers… well they don’t deserve the energy of me calling them out. 

Some details have been modernized - the DV/IPV center where I work helps people of all gender identities and orientations. We are rooted in being anti-oppression and trauma-informed, empowering survivors to find the best solution for themselves. I share deep values with my co-workers. And now with the new position, I live openly as a polytheist, animist Witch. I don’t censor myself or worry about whether it’s safe to talk about what matters most to me. I can claim my sexuality. My work environment is trauma-informed, caring, and incredibly supportive.  I get to do meaningful work every day, work that supports the change I’d like to see in the world. Fuck yes! I did it! Here I am! And most of the time, I have the presence to remember and revel in it.

…

**Right after I wrote this essay, I received an email that Tempest is being acquired by Monument, which feels a lot like it’s going to lose what is really special about it. Monument – well, the name kind of says it. Bigger with more medical services, but less in the way of individual support and less in the way of all the things that made Tempest my lifeline this past year. That makes me sad, but in learning that, I also learned that Holly Whitaker was basically forced out of being part of Tempest last year, and now I’m having all kinds of feels about that too. All of that said, there is a wonderful FB group that revolves around “Quit Like a Woman” - complete with regular meetings and insightful community providing support no matter where you are in the process of quitting. I highly recommend it.

Also, it says a lot to me that while I am having feels about the end of this particular resource, I am not having concerns about finding other communities and ways to support my sobriety. I am not having worries about keeping my sobriety because it is based on a very individualized program that I created for myself using their framework. Meetings were essential at the beginning, and are nice now, but they are not the core of me keeping my sobriety. And if I want to find a meeting, there are plenty of options out there.

[watchmegetobsessed]

50 questions

thanks for the tag @curlsofshawn !

1. what color is your hairbrush?

black

2. name a food you never eat?

mushrooms, bleh

3. are you typically too warm or too cold?

neither? maybe warm, idk

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago?

eating breakfast lol

5. what’s your favorite candy bar?

chocolate with whole hazelnuts mmm

6. have you ever been to a professional sporting event?

my friend’s figure skating competition

7. what was the last thing you said out loud?

I’m closing the door because the wind is gonna shut it.

8. what’s your favorite ice cream

melon

9. what was the last thing you drank?

coffee

10. do you like your wallet?i

it’s just plain baby pink, not much to hate about it lol

11. what was the last thing you ate?

frankurter with cheese, mayo and radish

12. did you buy new clothes last week?

nah

13. last sporting event you watched?

i have no idea lol

14. what’s your favorite flavor of popcorn?

butter!

15. who was the last person you sent a message to?

i texted my friend about gigi being pregnant lol

16. ever go camping?

used to when i was little, not anymore

17. do you take vitamins?

yes, i take iron pill and my mom makes me take some vitamins sometimes too

18. do you go to church every sunday?

no

19. do you have a tan?

i am unable to get a tan lol, i just get red like a tomato

20. do you prefer chinese food or pizza?

pizza

21. do you drink soda with a straw?

i don’t care about straws?

22. what color socks do you wear?

i have quite a few funny socks, the restis either black or white

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit??

lol, nah, im stressed while driving even when i’m under the limit, i don’t need the extra anxiety

24. what terrifies you?

death

25. look to your left, what do you see?

my bed’s header

26. what chore do you hate?

all of them

27. what do you think of when you hear an australian accent?

it’s funny and i don’t understand it

28. what’s your favorite soda?

gingerale

29. do you go into fast food places or drive thru?

i usually dine in

30. who was the last person you talked to?

motherrr

31. favorite cut of beef?

i have no idea

32. last song you listened to?

the middle by zedd

33. last book you read?

beautiful disaster!

34. can you say the alphabet backwards?

most likely not

35. how you do like your coffee?

very sweet and creamy

36. favorite pair of shoes?

probably my boots

37. the time you usually go to bed?

1 or 2 am, such a bad habit

38. the time you usually wake up?

10 am, luckily i don’t have classes early in the morning

39. what do you prefer, sunrise or sunset?

both, but it’s really about the person you are watching it with :)

40. how many blankets are on your bed?

two

41. describe your kitchen plates?

at our place with my brother we use old plates we got from my grandma, so they have like little blue flowers on them, here atmy parents it just has a red line around the edge

42. do you have a favorite alcoholic drink?

i like ciders and IPA

43. do you play cards?

there is this one cardgame i absolutely love, you have to play it in pairs and me and my friend are unbeatable in it so our friends don’t play with us anymore lol

44. what color is your car?

i don’t have a car

45. can you change a tire?

nope

46. your favorite province?

like, in my country? probably Somogy county, that’s where we go to vacation every year

47. favorite job you ever had?

at the airport

48. how did your biggest scar?

i had my gall bladder removed last fall, i have 5 scars, the biggest one is on the upper part of my stomach in the middle, right under my ribs

49. favourite day of the week?

probably friday

50. what did you do today that made you happy?

made my bed which i haven’t done in weeks lmao

alright, i’m tagging: @t-holland2080 @t-lostinmendes and @bubbashawn

[m0rgansux]

Can you talk on the phone while having the tv/radio on? I can kinda, but I get distracted pretty easily

When was the last time you went over a speed bump? Yesterday???

What is the nearest school to where you live? UNCW

What size are all the televisions in your house? We have a big one in the living room and a small one in my parent’s room

Do you have health insurance? I use my mom’s lol

How many times have you been pulled over by the cops while driving? Twice - once for going 60 in a 35 (oops) and once because my tags were expired

What is one of your favorite movie lines? “Oh fudge” “Only I didn’t say fudge.”

Describe your teeth: They’re better now than they’ve ever been, which doesn’t mean a lot lol, but they’re mostly straight and I am missing two on the bottom

How many posters are up in your house? What are some of them of? There’s a decent number of posters in my house, I have some band ones and two “keep calm and carry on” ones

How many clocks do you have in the house (including on the microwave, etc.)? Jesus Christ, a fuck ton

What is one thing you look forward to every day? Going to bed

What is one thing you dread every day? EXISTING

When was the last time you cleaned your ears via QTip? Today

When was the last time you clipped your nails? Sometime this week

How many remotes do you need for your living room tv? 3

Ever lived through a natural disaster? Several

Whats the longest youve lived without electricity? 4-5 days I believe

Name all the drugs you have tried: Marijuana if that counts

Name all of the alcoholic beverages you have tried:? Vodka, rum. whiskey, brandy, gin, a few liquors, beer, wine, cider, I think that’s all, but I’m sure I’m missing something

Name all the types/brands of cigarettes you have tried: None

Do you like candles? Yes, I’m just too lazy to burn them

Do you like to do puzzles (crosswords, word find, Soduku, etc.)? Yes

On a scale 1-10 how intelligent do you consider yourself? 7 or 8 is generous

What is one thing you stand strongly for? Separation of church and state

Post a picture of someone important to you, tell me who they are and why they’re important: I just got this laptop two hours ago so it has no pictures on it, but I would post a picture of my cat, Sylvia (sorry Ben)

Do you have a blue ray player? Yes

If you could be the owner of one site what would it be? LUSH.com

What does your doormat say? I don’t think we have one and it’s too cold to go look

What is something you always have in your fridge? Blue cheese dressing lol

Who was the last person you were on hold with (on the phone)? BEN PUT ME ON HOLD YESTERDAY

When was the last time you were sick? I’m always hungover

Who do you know that’s pregnant? A couple girls I went to school with

Who do you know that’s had a baby recently? A woman that used to be a dog groomer at my job

Do you know anyone whom got married recently? A couple people I went to highschool with got married this year

Do you know anyone who has died recently? My friend passed in October

How many surveys a week do you think you do? I haven’t been on here in a month or so

What age can you not wait for? No rush

Do you change songs in the car often? YES

Name all sports teams you’ve been on: Soccer and volleyball and I hated them both

Name all the drugs you’d never do: I wouldn’t do any of them except coke

What is the most alcohol you’ve drank in a night? 750 ml of rum

What do you order from McDonalds? Chicken nuggets or a Big Mac

What do you order from Burger King? I don’t eat Burger King, but probably a Whopper

What do you order from Wendys? Chicken nuggets

What do you order from Sonic? I haven’t had Sonic in 45 years

What do you order from Taco Cabana? I don’t know what that is

What do you order from White Castle? I’ve never actually been to White Castle, but a cheeseburger

What do you order from Taco Bell? Either the Cool Ranch taco or a cheesy bean and rice burrito

What do you order from What-a-Burger? I’ve never been there

What do you order from pizza places? Thin crust cheese pizza or a sandwich if it’s Domino’s

What do you order from most sit down restaurants? I usually end up getting two appetizers as my main course

What street sign do you find totally pointless? Hmmmm I do not know

What drinking games have you played? Checkers, but with shot glasses

When was the last time you vacuumed? Sometime this week

How many tattoos do you have? Two

How many tattoos do you want? At least a couple more

Whats something that’s high priced that you just hate to buy? Makeup

[nanalikessurveys]

Pick a word that starts with the third letter of your first name. Nasal spray

The past 72 hours, have you been under the influence? No What were you doing at ten last night? I had just come home from the gym What was the last thing you drank? Hot chocolate Who was the last person you hugged? My friend Did you have a dream last night? Yes but i forgot it How many piercings do you have? Eight

If you could have something right now, what would it be? Some fresh drink Have you ever had a panic attack? Yes

Have your parents ever smoked pot? I doubt it Last time you cried really really hard? Last week What’s your favorite color? Blue i guess

Do you think your last ex deserves to die? ..no

Will your next kiss be a mistake? I wouldn’t know

Who texted you last?

My friend

Who was the last person you talked to in person? I haven’t really talked to anyone today, the cashier?

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months? I don’t know

Have you lost friends in the past 3 years? Kinda Is tomorrow going to be a good day? Hope so Do you listen to music every day? Are you listening to it right now? Yes but not now

Are you talking to anyone while doing this? No

Do you own more than one cell phone? Nope Whose phone number did you get last? I have no idea Have you ever been asked out? Yes Your current relationship status? Single If you could go back in time and change something, would you? Yes Ever had a near death experience? No What is something you do a lot? Drink water If you could have one super power, what would it be? Be invisible

What do you usually order from Starbucks? If i get a chance to go there, i’ll probably get just a cold brew or a flat white Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows? Not really What are you eating or drinking at the moment? Nothing

Do you speak any other language? Finnish and a little bit swedish What is your favorite smell? Something fresh When was the last time you gave/received a hug? About a month ago

Ever been kissed in the rain? I don’t remember What should you be doing? Nothing important

Who was the last person that made you upset/angry? Me

If you could have any last name in the world, what would you want? I like my last name

Do you act differently around the person you like? I don’t like anyone like that

What is your natural hair color? Blonde

How many keys are on your key chain? Two If you were given a canvas and watercolors, what would you paint? Some kind of scenery

Whose mind, besides your own, would you like to control? No ones

What is the first thing you do when you get out of bed? Go to the bathroom

What are you thankful you are not doing right now? No idea What is your favorite kind of candy? Chocolate What is your favorite thing about the beach? I don’t know haha If you were invisible, where would you go? Everywhere

What is one object in your home that you are embarrassed to own? I don’t have anything embarrassing i guess

Who is one person you wish you would have never met? Hmmm

What is your favorite fruit? Pears or mangoes

What is your favorite kind of cookie? Oat cookies

What do you need to get right now at the drug store? Nothing now

What was the happiest age of your life? I don’t remember lol What color looks best on you? Black i guess

What is your favorite thing about being sick? There nothing good about being sick imo

What commercial do you find most annoying? All of them loool

What was your favorite meal growing up? Lasagna

What body part aches you the most right now? My foot and ankle

What is the longest you have ever gone without a shower? I don’t know, not for long i guess

What was your 1st alcoholic beverage? I took a sip of my mom’s wine glass when i was like 8 lol, but if that doesn’t count then it was a cider or something?

Are you getting along with your parents? Yes

What’s on your feet right now? Socks

What do you think of your last ex? Tbh he’s one of the sweetest people i know

Are you a good speller? In English? no Is your hair curly or straight? Wavy Connection between you and the last person who text messaged you? We are friends

Where is your phone? Charging in my bedroom

Last time you felt bad about something? Yesterday

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? No

Do you mind sleeping on the floor? Sure if i don’t have any other choice

Honestly, do you hate the last girl you were talking to in person? No

Spell your name without an E?

Nana

[felicezhukov]

:: Dear Nicolas Jaar ::

I’m sitting on the sofa listening to space is the only noise, beside me there a bar of ritter sport butter biscuit and a cup of pukka night time tea, I haven’t had an alcoholic drink since Tuesday. This is the longest I’ve been without an alcoholic drink for 8/9 months.

On Tuesday I went to view a house in mile end, it was pretty and airy, I was greeted by 4 well turned out women in light attractive clothing and offered a glass of wine. The house was tidy, lovingly looked after and dressed up, the residents and their friends were educated, worked mostly in fashion and didn’t seem like the types to get overly drunk or go on missions of careless self abandon. After speaking about performance art and Justin Bieber I then went on to a very grubby warehouse, where I didn’t stay long, the large shared room was full of smoke and tinnys of cider, people lost in loud conversation, a sea of black hoodies and a very grimy bathroom.

I woke up on Wednesday and didn’t want a drink, I haven’t had one since. It’s my open studio’s and launch of my photic ( pralay >< exodus ) sale on Tuesday, I’ll probably have a few glasses of wine but I’m now trying to teach myself the art of being civilised. You can be civilised and still interesting, they’re not mutually exclusive, look at Monica Belluci and from what I’ve seen, yourself.

On Sunday I didn’t want to join dinner, I just drank instead and ate two pigs in blankets like a savage. So now I’m practising how to eat, imagining every time I sit down that I’m with someone, breathing in and out. I’m breathing more deeply more often. I think if I can get the knack of sitting down to dinner in hand, it will naturally be joined by the art of drinking without making a mockery of myself, that’s what I’m lacking, stepping out for a minute, not for a cigarette, but with yourself whilst in company, not feeling hysterically attached to those you’re directly in contact with.

Today as I was veering from Bethnal Green to Hatton Garden it struck me that there’s been a lot happening to do with my performance which I’m only so far broadcasting on instagram, as its hard and also uncouth to film and share every aspect of your life, as pralay >< exodus is so deep reaching into my day to day dealings, it needs to be documented. So rather than writing scrawled drunken love lost letters to someone who would run for the hills, from my understanding, if ever faced with this as a real interaction, it might be more useful to start cataloguing these.

As previously stated I’m selling my life away, or hoping to, there’s a lot of pressure in this as it’s necessary to have a foundation financially to leave my ex husband and his caravan, it’s also necessary because where I’m going doesn’t have enough space to hold everything I own, it’s also necessary because nearly every possession is another tie to former lives moved through and my nostalgia has run thin. We do not need much to live, I don’t want much.

I started the week after manically painting my studio white, getting all this crap out of its stored places and then out of boxes, bags, vessels of various forms. Then I meticulously went through everything, sorting it into area’s and where useless or unsellable, throwing it away, there’s a skip sitting outside that is essentially filled with my detritus. It was a lot, on Tuesday and Wednesday I spent a fair portion of the day tripping over things and cursing, pivoting sofa’s, despairing about the sheer amount to be dealt with.

In fact on Tuesday I spent a lot of time going through photograph’s of me and my ex, anniversary cards, trinkets, notes, putting them in to piles, 10 years accumulates a lot.

Everything is on display, my staff pass from the british museum, photographs of family and friends throughout my life. A piece of my mum’s textile art is hung above the sofa, I’m not sure I’ll sell it though, there’s various knitted and crocheted accessories in little white display boxes, I’ve thrown away every card I’ve ever been written, I’ve thrown away all the postcards and press releases I’ve collected from exhibitions, I’ve thrown away meaningful items which have dulled over time, it’s an extremely cut throat process, the red suitcase I’m filling isn’t very big and half of it is occupied by speakers.

So whittling down what I will take has been curious in itself and over the course of the week developed as an action. Now a few very valuable nostalgic items have been spared, which take up limited room, one piece of jewellery, an ashtray, a few knitted things including a jumper, a handful of recent sketchbooks, a tape measure, black pens and pencils and a painting, not mine, which I will need to return to safeguards for the time being as its been strictly prohibited from being sold.

There’s stacks of sketchbooks and drawings in the museum of me, totalling a few hundred, as a prolific but not particularly organised creator a lot has been lost, but still, there’s so much left and I know by June 13th I will be throwing a fair amount of it in the bin. Because not everyone is going to buy everything, my main worry is that no one will buy anything so I have been padding out an action plan which hopefully will expose what I’m doing to the maximum amount of people. There’s a few avenues I’m going down, I’m going to make a video introducing and speaking frankly about the piece, facebook, magazine’s, I’ll be activating all of this as soon as I’ve finalised the room it’s set in, because it needs to exist first, in its entirety, so I will be able to know what I’m dealing with.

The narrative ties into the descent, after the meat leaves the mermaid kingdom she is then faced with a seemingly never ending hill and suddenly lumbered with huge box that she must tie to her back and ascend the hill with, the hill is a kelp forest. Along the way she meets various characters who all will take something from her box, gradually reducing it in size until finally she has virtually nothing left on her back and gets to the top of the hill, to look out over the expanding lands beneath her, seeing the the shipwreck in the distance that will be her next destination.

Once I’m done, on the 13th June, I will relax, I will go to the park, I’ll work on the mermaid prom in various places around London. Once all this stuff is gone, hopefully not all in the trash but to people’s homes, I won’t have it anymore, I won’t encounter it again.

So now the installation is nearly done, I attempted to sell my wedding ring today and was offered £25 for it, by the only people that would buy it. So I’m going to sell that, my hair and some underwear online as means of gathering a starter sum, as I’m broke right now and borrowing money from my husband in order to eat and travel home from the studio. There’s other facets, a lot I haven’t covered, but this is a sufficient roundup for now, I have to wake up at 7 for work.

I hope you never have to sell your wedding ring.