#i had to put 3 videos together for this bc 15 seconds wasn’t enough help

[sunmisbf]

currently

[akvtsuki-ari]

Sweetheart (Ch.1)

Warnings: Mentions of BDSM and bunch of other kinks but nothing sexual in this chapter lol. Sub!Spencer and Femdom!Reader 

Length: 5.3k 

Authors Note: this is hands down the most self-indulgent shit ive ever wrote but do i care? the answer is no dsjk  but this that series i had planned where the reader introduces spencer to proper BDSM and all that. hoping to make this fic kinda informative also lol. also im uploading this fic on ao3 as well. also no tags for this fic bc its really specific and ill probably be writing for it for a while! sorry about that

Plot Summary: Spencer Reid just wanted to be.., well, you know. He doesn’t expect to find much when he signs up for a BDSM dating website but somehow he manages you and he couldn’t be more delighted

Spencer Reid was certainly a lot of things. He was a lover of the arts, someone who had a particular affinity for 15th-century literature, a magician at best, a theater nerd at worst, and a teacher when life called for it. He loves the world even when it's really dark and he loves sleeping in even more. He loves his friends and they love him too - even when they pretend that his random facts annoy them. Spencer Reid was a friend, an FBI agent, a genius with an IQ of 187, and a son to a mother he loves wholly. He was a lot of things and for the most part - he knew a lot about what he really loved to do. He supposed that it's been like that his whole life.

It's not everyday that he discovers something new about himself. About everything else? Always. He loves to learn, but about himself? There's never all that much on the frontier.

It's hard to say, because of that, when Spencer discovered he was a sub. It's difficult to pinpoint a specific time and place, or even how the pieces got put together. He just remembers how it felt when it hit him, like a freight train going 100 miles an hour into a concrete wall. Or a plane crashing onto an island. Or like a fly hitting the glass panes of a delivery truck. He remembers the feeling when he was deftly reminded of this fact. Spencer Reid was a sub - through and through and he wasn't really sure what to make of it.

Surprisingly to most of his direct peers, Spencer wasn't a virgin. He'd had sex with 2 people who he'd been kinda friends with at some point, but it always got a little weird after that. The second time though, the girl ended up choking him a little bit when she got off and Spencer thought he had died. Not in a bad way, more in a "I'm so turned on by this I feel like I've genuinely gone to heaven," sort of way. He didn't think it was possible for a sexual encounter to make him feel like that but it did. It didn't stop after that either, which was the most agitating part. 

Spencer doesn't consider himself a sexual person. Sex is about intimacy and companionship, and hopefully love when he finds that someday. Sex isn't necessarily about pleasure but that wasn't an easy lesson to learn.

Spencer just wanted to understand - so like any great genius he participated in thought experiments. It's normally a female superhero/supervillain that crosses his mind (he has an affinity for Poison Ivy), and he just kinda imagines what it would be like if they did what she did. The choking turned him on, but it wasn't enough. Through that, he figures out that he had more than a choking kink and that he was more than a little interested in a partner having complete access to him. He thought about it for weeks and the getting off was working for him but he couldn't get the fantasy out of his head. He wanted more - he wanted someone to fulfill his wishes.

It was too much for him to ignore. Those months of being able to hold off through masturbating are over and he's just sorta itching. Aching to act on those impulses with another person who can give him what he needs, and he doesn't want it to be transactional. Maybe it's too ideal to want a partner out of such an endeavor but was it so wrong? To want real affection and romance from someone who could also overpower him wasn't a crime and he'd be damned if he pretended to want any less. Spencer was just searching, even if it was rather desperately. 

So, when Spencer finds himself on a BDSM dating site and he feels like his life is in shambles, he can only blame himself. It's not something he'd normally do but he's getting a little more than relentless about it but he also just wants to see what's out there. He's so out of it was it happens, it felt like he was being possessed as he made a fake email and wrote out his account information. Definitely blaming it on possession, he thinks. 

It's too late to go back, as he scrolls through tons of profiles of rather intense looking people. He's not surprised, this is where people go to express themselves. They're entitled to that, it just sucks since he's just not ready for such levels of intensity. He wonders if he's in too deep yet, but he figures he'd hit that mark a long time ago and keeps scrolling through profiles. There wasn't much to go off of, many people not choosing to use photos for the sake of anonymity, which was good for Spencer. He clicks onto his own profile, reading his own bio carefully.

USERNAME: DOC187 

SUB/ SWITCH / DOM 

M / F / O

FETISHES: N/A

BIO: Interest in a dominant female companion. Completely inexperienced.

Spencer feels ridiculous, but he doubts anyone would even message him. He doesn't have much on his profile and he keeps things short for that purpose. He wanted to stay as low to the ground as possible - more curious to explore what was going in the world than to find anything legitimate. He scrolls through hundreds of profiles, mostly of people who were BDSM vets looking for new connections or fun. Some people catch his eye but they don't match his interests so he doesn't bother.

Except, one profile. The bio was beyond interesting to Spencer.

USERNAME: MISS—LILAC

SUB / SWITCH / DOM 

M / F / O 

FETISHES: Sadomasochist, Degradation, Humiliation, Pegging, Overstimulation, Edging, Crossdressing, Exhibitionism, Mutual Masturbation, Dacryphilia, Shibari/Gags/Bondage, Wax Play, Impact Play, Breath Play, General Sensation Play, Discipline, Collaring, Begging. Willing to try most things. 

BIO: Interested in submissive males of any experience level. Helps if you're interesting and like to read and watch indie films. Looking for genuine connection and plenty of good banter. Curly hair is nice too. lol.

Before Spencer can think about it for too long his mouse clicks over that stupid little message button next to your profile. Spencer shakes his head at his own existence as he types you a message. Says you're online right now, but Spencer's sure he won't get a response for a while.

DOC187: Seems I fit who you're interested in. I even have the curly hair.

Spencer chews on his nails anxiously before he sighs at himself. He has no clue what's gotten into him belle before he can think he sees your 3-dotted bubble pop up. He feels his body wracked with nerves.

MISS—LILAC: I'm guessing you like to read and watch indie films too?

Spencer smiles. You seem interesting and the fact that the two of you were just talking normal was making Spencer happy.

DOC187: Indeed. I'm a sucker for 15-century literature and anything in Russian and foreign language. You?

MISS—LILAC: 15th century huh? I'll assume Chaucer. And Russian? You're interesting, doc. I'm more modern and English, hope you're not deterred.

Spencer smiles, surprised that you recognize an author as niche as Chaucer. He shakes his head at your commentary. He almost forgets that both of you are on a BDSM dating site and the irony doesn't escape him.

DOC187: Deterred? Never. I think you're rather interesting too, Miss Lilac.

MISS—LILAC: Ever the gentleman doc. I'm hoping you won't run away if I ask you more personal questions.

Spencer swallows. He types back quickly.

DOC187: What kinds of questions?

MISS—LILAC: If it's okay, you're real name and what you do. My names Y/N, and I'm a florist. I live in DC and I love romance novels.

Spencer smiles. He appreciates you laying down the path for him, knowing the stakes.

DOC187: My names Spencer and I work for the FBI. I also live in DC, and I love magic.

MISS—LILAC: Magic? I'd love for you to show me sometime.

Spencer swallows. Part of him feels like it's a stupid idea to ask you out so early but if you asked, he'd likely say yes. He decides to wait it out.

DOC187: I'd be more than happy to show you.

MISS—LILAC: I suppose you could send me a video but that's not the same as seeing the magic in real life, now is it?

Spencer is smiling like an idiot at this point. He shakes his head a little, jittery.

DOC187: Infinitely better live, I would say.

MISS—LILAC: Seems like I've found an excuse to ask you on a date then. Saturday's work for me but I'm sure it depends on you, FBI man. Before that, I'm gonna drop my number and I'll be expecting your call. (XXX-XXX-XXXX)

Spencer giggles. It's a little out of range for things he's used to doing, giggling aloud for someone else is certainly new. Spencer picks up his phone and dials away, anxious to call you but excited nonetheless. He heard you pick up the phone and his heart catches in his throat.

"Hello?," Your voice is smooth, and a little bit lower than he was expecting. It sounds pretty.

"Hello, Y/N," Spencer says back. He heard you laugh on the other side and can't help the way his heart flutters.

"Lovely to talk to you doc,"

"Still Doc? Not Spencer?" Spencer questions. You smile on the other side of the line.

"Doc seems to fit you. But, for the sake of formality, hello Spencer,"

"I like Doc too, but it feels like I should have a nickname for you as well. Only seems fair," Spencer says laughing quietly.

"If it's your prerogative you can call me Miss Lilac, or just Miss but..." you trail off for a minute. Spencer squints.

"Miss is a title, you know? Doesn't seem fair for you to call me that when I haven't earned it from you yet. I'm sure we'll get there but for now you can just call me Y/N," you say softly. Spencer blushes bright red, his voice betraying him as he speaks.

"O-Oh, well um - where does the name Lilac come from? Normally people go with their names when it comes to stuff like that," Spencer says shyly. He heard you laugh on the other side of the phone and blushes again, grateful you can't see him.

"I love the language of flowers and flowers themselves. It's a way to speak that not many people know - but I like the meaning and look of lilacs. White lilacs represent purity, so that was a bit of irony, but light purple lilacs mean first love," you say carefully.

"First love?," Spencer asks. You bite your lip for a moment.

"I joke that BDSM is my first love since it's such a big part of my life. Not as big as some but not small for certain. It gave me much needed confidence so I joke that it was my first," You say lightly. You hear Spencer giggle on the other side and you smile.

"What about your username? Any significance to DOC187 that I should know of?," you readjust your seat on your couch as you talk. Spencer grows a bit embarrassed.

"I normally introduce myself as Doctor Spencer Reid for work, not a medical doctor but I have three PhD's," Spencer admits. You raise your brows but hear the hesitation in his voice.

"Very, very impressive doc. What about the 187? It could be a plain ol' number but my guess would be otherwise,"

"That's my IQ, actually. I don't think intelligence can be boiled down and quantified like that but I couldn't think of anything else," Spencer explains.

"So you're a certified genius with 3 PhD's? To say I'm impressed is an understatement. Anything else impressive you'd like to tell me before I totally pick your brains," you say a little shocked.

"You wanna pick my brains?," Spencer asks. You wanna laugh at the irony of such a silly question from such an intelligent man but you refrain.

"Who wouldn't?," you say incredulously. Spencer smiles shyly.

"The only other thing is that I can read 20,000 words per minute," Spencer says trying to deflect. Your jaw dropped before but it manages to unhinge a little further.

"There's a lot to get to know about you Doctor Reid,"

"I'm sure it's the same for you," Spencer replies.

"Guess we'll have to find out won't we?," you say smiling.

Damn, Spencer got lucky. Hopefully he'd get to find out soon

_____

"Reid, are you listening?," Derek's voice snaps Spencer out of his entranced state. His smiling expression snaps up to look at Derek who looks a little exasperated.

"Sorry, what was that?," Spencer asks back. Derek puts down the case file they were working on. They had just finished a case and needed to complete some paperwork before submitting it for review and to be used in court. The job was given to him and Morgan and Spencer was evidently distracted.

"Alright, kid - what is up with you? All case you've been checking your phone non-stop and spacing out, all smiles and giggles. C'mon now kid, seriously. You got a little lady at home waiting for you or is there something else I don't know about?," Derek interrogates. Spencer doesn't really know what to make of it, though it's not really in his interest to hide you, it hasn't really come up with anyone on the team yet so it was proving difficult to decide what to do. The smile on his face manages to appear again as he starts to think about you, the tips of his ears red.

"Reid," Morgan says again, with a small look of irritation.

"Her names Y/N," Spencer blurts out faster than he can't think. Derek gives him a huge grin, holding his hand out to dap Spencer up. Spencer just looks at it confused for a second before getting the memo.

"'My man," Derek says chuckling. Before Spencer can continue Prentiss, JJ, and Garcia walk in. Hotch is the only one missing, and Spencer's a little grateful.

"What are we celebrating in here you guys?," Prentiss asks first. Spencer goes to say something to move away from his sudden confession but Derek is quick to cut him off.

"Our boy genius over here got him a little lady," Derek announces. The whole team erupts in questions and Spencer wants to bury himself.

"Congratulations, Spencer!! How long have you two been dating?," Prentiss asks.

"You guys are so dramatic. It's only been two months but no first date because well..." Spencer trails off. JJ just nods her head.

"Duty calls, I'm guessing" JJ finishes. Spencer nods deflated hearing Emily draw a breath between her teeth.

"That's tough, Spence,"

Just as Spencer goes to give a response back he gets a text from you that makes his day a little better. It's a selfie of you at work, a picture your employee must've taken of you in a room full of new flower deliveries. You're giving Spencer a toothy grin as you hold a bunch of gardenias in your hand.

Y/N 🌸: *image attachment* 

Gardenias// You're lovely + Secret Love <33

Spencer cannot control the way his whole face bunches up in a smile, as if there's no one else in the room with him. Everyone just looks at him surprised, Garcia giving him a side-eye.

"How can you guys trust this stranger? We don't even know who she is! I haven't even run any background checks on her," Garcia complains. Prentiss nudges her side.

"I don't know if it matters - look at how hard he's smiling over there," Prentiss says. Garcia reluctantly looks and can't help but sigh.

"Okay well he seems really happy but still! We don't even know her," she pouts.

"I'm sure we'll meet her soon," JJ snickers at Spencer's lovestruck expression. Derek leans over Spencer's shoulder and raises his brows.

"Is that her, kid?," Derek asks. Spencer nods, simply staring at the picture you sent. Derek whistles when he sees you - you're genuinely stunning and he's surprised to say the least.

"Hot mama, pretty boy - how'd you manage that?," Derek asks, dumbfounded. Emily rolls her eyes.

"C'mon Derek, I'm sure - oh wow," Emily leans over Spencer's shoulder to see you and is met with the same reaction. JJ and Garcia are quick to follow thereafter, both looking equally as surprised.

"She's..." JJ trails off. The rest of the team just nods as Spencer grins ear to ear.

Spencer 🐻: Beautiful, as always.

Spencer ignores the rest of the team as they look at each other in disbelief.

Y/N🌸: Me or the flowers, Doc?

Spencer🐻: Both, but mostly you.

"Wow, Spencer you're really -" Prentiss starts

"You're whipped, kid. I mean seriously whipped," Derek finishes, nodding in agreement. JJ can't help but smile, giving Spencer a small pat on the back.

"She seems lovely, Spencer. How'd you two meet?," JJ says. Garcia stands around looking rather suspicious. A blush creeps onto Spencer's neck as he's reminded of how you two met.

"Online," Spencer says shortly. No one decides to question it, and Spencer thanks every god he can think of.

"Have you two FaceTimed yet? How can we know she's not, I don't know - catfishing you? Or scamming you in some other cyber criminal way?," Garcia sounds distressed. Spencer gives a small smile.

"We fall asleep over FaceTime every night," Spencer admits. Penelope's expression falls, and Prentiss gives a smile.

"That is disgustingly cute," JJ says laughing.

"Okay, well - I'm still running a background check on her," Garcia says stubbornly "But, I'm happy for you,"

"Thanks Garcia," Spencer mumbles out as he texts you again.

Y/N🌸: I wanna see you, love

Spencer blushes red as he reads your message. The word love makes his whole face hot.

Spencer🐻: I can't take a selfie for my life

Y/N🌸: You're with your team aren't you? Get them to take a picture of you.

Spencer wants to fold away, not ever really being the picture type, but how could he ever deny you.

Spencer🐻: How could I ever say no to you?

"Hey guys, can one of you take a picture of me for Y/N?" Spencer asks embarrassingly red. The whole team sends him a look of surprise.

"I'll take it Spence, try not to look as uncomfortable as you do right now," JJ says. The whole team refrains from laughing as Spencer gives an awkward smile. He thanks JJ who hands him back his phone before texting you again.

Spencer🐻: *image attachment* You owe me one

Y/N🌸: you're stunning as always. hadn't seen you in so long I almost forgot what you looked like.

Spencer🐻: stunnings an interesting choice of words.

Y/N🌸: I said what I said, doc. 

Spencer can't help but do a little giggle, that causes the whole team to give him a look. Morgan just shakes his head, shrugging. Emily, JJ, and Garcia just look at each other before the room draws into a subtle but comfortable silence as Spencer just smiles, totally unaware of how whipped he happened to look. He didn’t seem to mind either way. 

___

"How was work?," Spencer asks over the phone, kicking his shoes off as he looks into his fridge for something to eat. He hears you sigh on the other side of the line.

"Busy today - wedding season is coming up so tons of calls for centerpiece designs and costs. It's going well though, business couldn't be better," you say, clearly tired yet content. Spencer gives a small smile and feels relieved that things are going okay for you.

"That's really good. I'm glad you're feeling alright," Spencer replies. You ease into the couch as you talk to Spencer, relaxing by the second. 

"What about you, FBI man? You have an okay day?," Your voice is full of a gentle concern that Spencer appreciates.

"Yeah, just paperwork and JJ said that we shouldn't have any upcoming cases this week to be worried about so I have the weekend off," Spencer says without thought.

"Have any special plans for the weekend?," you say cheekily. Spencer, still not having caught on, shakes his head for a second.

"No, why?,"

"Hm... well - would you like to go on a date with me then Doctor Reid?," You ask, giggling. Spencer's eyes widen in realization as he facepalms for a moment.

"Wow, I didn't even think... yes - yes I would love to go on a date with you Y/N," Spencer says laughing at his own misfortune. You shake your head instinctively, but the growing smile and even further growing adoration makes it hard to sit still.

"Hey, Spencer," you say, butterflies filling your stomach.

"Yeah?"

"I really like you,"

____

Saturday comes quicker than Spencer can really understand. You told him not to worry about what the days plans would be but he can't help it. Anxiously awaiting you in front of the cafe that the two of you were supposed to meet at, in a part of town Spencer hasn't really seen before. You said that you'd lead the way and the irony isn't lost on him.

"Spencer?," Your voice is small, as you call out to what you think is Spencer Reid. Of course, you'd seen him before but to see him in person like this was still so unfamiliar. His head shoots up, eyes searching for you. He's delighted to have found you, certainly that was true as he walks towards you. Your arms envelop him in a friendly hug and he can't help but find himself sinking into. You smelled sweet, like fruit and flowers (which makes sense, the more he thinks about it)

"Lovely to finally meet you, Y/N,"

"Same goes for you, doc. Would you like to be informed of our plans for the day, or do you prefer the element of surprise?,"  You ask smiling. Spencer laughs at your question.

"Details would be appreciated, but I get the feeling you're not gonna give me those."

"You're right! It's a trick question, since it's a surprise. But, promise it'll be good,"

"I'll take your word for it then," Spencer says with a small smile. You hold your hand out for Spencer which he accepts, locking his hands with yours. The affection makes him feel full of warmth, as you lead him away for the day you had planned for the both of you.

___

Spencer underestimated how well you knew him. He really, really did. It's hard to explain since Spencers been on a date before but this was so profoundly different. He's a little touched, but beyond that he's just.. surprised? Every date he'd been on before this, he'd have to play the gentleman but it never seemed like the other person was interested in just him. It was always casual small-talk over dinner, or a mid-day coffee date or something else that just felt mundane but this was beyond Spencer's imagination.

The first place you took him was a bookstore - which was in Spencers mind already a winner for best date he'd ever been on. You walked inside with him and told him he had to pick up a book for you and you had to pick up a book for him and to say his heart absolutely fluttered would be an understatement. He picked up up a copy of "The Screwtape Tales," by C.S. Lewis for you, and you gave him a copy of Shel Silverstein's "Where The Sidewalk Ends." For you, you got a glimpse to see what Spencer's sense of humor was and you gave Spencer a piece of your childhood. Both equal but opposite forms of intimacy. The only thing was Spencer had to wait to read his book because it's relatively shorter than yours and he reads 20,000 words per minute.

The next place you took Spencer was an indoor butterfly garden. Does he have to explain why that's a good date? He heard you talk about all the scientific names for the different flowers and why they attract butterflies and he wasn't sure he could crush any harder on you if he tried. A particular moment sticks out to him on which a butterfly landed on your shoulders and just stayed there like it didn't want to leave. Spencer's eyes were fixated on it the whole time - and he had never wanted to be a butterfly in his life before but he figures there's a first time for everything.

The last place, where the both of you were at now was just a small coffee shop, locally owned and supported by the community here. You told Spencer that when you started up your shop, you'd come in here to work on big orders before you'd expanded enough to have employees. Spencer admires your work ethic, much more than he could ever anticipate as he sits down at a small booth, totally covering the both of you as you return to the table with a little plate of banana bread and two iced coffees. Spencer pouts as he looks up at you, watching you flash him a grin.

"I could've helped you carry this over," Spencer complains gently. You roll your eyes.

"Maybe next time doc," you say softly. You hold back your commentary often on the date, and Spencer pretends not to notice for your sake but he'd be lying if he said he didn't wanna know. You always had something sly to say but you'd kept it from him so many times now he figures it's better if he didn't ask.

Spencer looks at you as you push a plate of banana bread towards him. He looks at you with curious eyes before reading your clearly excited face and laughs. He picks up a piece and examines it, before taking a bite. If it tasted as good as it smelled then he would be more than obliged.

The involuntary moan that escapes Spencer's throat makes you choke with laughter. Shit, you weren't kidding when you said this was the best banana bread in the city. Spencer just looks up at you like he's about to cry with joy as you double over in giggles.

"I know," You say softly, taking a bite yourself eyes filling with joy "I ordered some more for us to take home - you're welcome," you say with confidence. Spencer smiles because that is genuinely thoughtful, but it was more endearing to see you pretend it wasn't. He just shakes his head, a blush arising to his face as he looks at you. You're staring at him with intent. He quirks his brow at you in question.

"I had a good time today, Spencer" You say warmly. You only called him Spencer when you were saying something affectionate and a bit serious. He gives you a toothy smile.

"I haven't been on very many dates, but this was easily the best one I'd ever been on," Spencer says honestly. You grin ear to ear, hands carefully holding Spencer across the table, running your thumb over his knuckles for a few seconds. You couldn't say for sure whether it was too soon to ask him to be your boyfriend, but you'd be damned if you said it didn't cross your mind.

Spencer was mind-numbingly unaware of what good boyfriend material he was, but beyond that - what good submissive boyfriend material he was. It was driving you nuts, but you knew this was all new for him and you didn't wanna freak him out. Even when guys say they're interested in being submissive, they're still often times uncomfortable with you being fully dominant. Dominant in public and in bed, if you will. You wanted to pay for dates, and buy him flowers, and make him feel special too - at least on the occasion. That role came naturally to you, that let me make you feel owned type affection that only a dominant person can give. It scared men off - out of relationships, and you totally got why - but you liked Spencer too much as a person to risk iit.

Spencer holds your hands together, gathering your attention. You looked at him spaced out and he gives you a look of concern.

"You okay?," Spencer asks. You nod, chewing your lip in debate of whether or not you should express your concerns. Spencer just tugs on your hand and looks at you intently.

You sigh, looking at Spencer softly.

"I'm okay I just really like you," you say a little exasperated. Spencer laughs but is filled with relief.

"I'm glad to hear that. What else is on your mind?,"

"I really like you - like in an, I want you to officially by my boyfriend way and I hope it's not too soon but I'm just, worried I guess," you say nervously. Spencer can't help the way his heart beats in his chest when he hears you say boyfriend. God did he want to be your boyfriend.

"What're you worried about?,"

"I'm worried about freaking you out. I can be a lot since I'm... you know?," You say nervously. Spencer looks at you  to continue.

"I'm more than just dominant in bed, and for a lot of guys it's not their thing and that's their right but I like you so much. I really don't want that to happen if I ask you out now and you realize that it's not for you," you say in clear upset.

Spencer looks at you in disbelief. You were worried that he was gonna freak out over that? That you were too dominant for him? It feels like such a silly concern but the expression on your face tells him you're speaking from experience.

"I mean, it's all kinda new to me but, well - I do like how you treat me? It's a nice change, I can't imagine myself getting tired of it, or of you. I really like you too," Spencer tried his best to reassure you without totally embarrassing you. You smiles at Spencer but your face is still full of doubt.

"If that ever changes, I'll tell you but I'd really like to call you my girlfriend," Spencer finishes. You can't help the warmth that spreads in your stomach at the offer. You just nod, looking up at him. You stand and walk to Spencer's side of the booth, sliding in next to him, leaning your head into his shoulder for a few while seconds. You sit back up, and Spencer turns to you.

"Hey, doc," you say softly. Spencer hums in acknowledgement.

"Can I kiss you?," you ask softly. Spencer chews his lip and nods, looking down at your lip. You're wearing lipgloss and it makes them look pretty - you are so pretty to Spencer.

Kisses are their own language, Spencer figures. The way someone kisses you can tell you a lot about who they are - so, when you put your hands on the side of Spencer's face, pulling him closer to you with such care and adoration - Spencer can feel what you were referencing earlier. The word Miss rings out in his mind, the way you pay attention to him with your hands. He feels your lips press against his, slowly gliding your fingers in his hair, thumb brushing agains the side of his cheek. Your other hand rested on his inner thigh and he has to think about anything other than that not to get hard. Spencer didn't get how much he'd been thinking about touching you until you'd do with no hesitation and he lets out a small whine. You pull back and Spencer has to catch his breath.

His lashes blink up at you and you're absolutely beaming.

"You're cute baby,"

Baby? Spencer wants to cover his face when you say it. You kiss him again and he can't help but feel flush.

You were Spencer's girlfriend and then some and he couldn't be more happy.

[coolpolarbear123]

Band Camp Day 3

"we can either be the picconets or the clarilos." "The picc-a-nut?" "clarilo it is"

August 17th, 2021

<< 3 >>

forgive me if this is short:

4 hours of sleep later, we're heading to the field with literal mugs of coffee in hand to start the senior prank

the prank today: hanging underwear on the band director's podium

it's a tradition. I've probably mentioned it in past posts

at 8:30, we start, I'm more anxious than ever bc of all the drama

practice, fundamentals, the works

ML2 doesn't clap for the DI's and it freaks me out bc I know it's bc she hates that I have it

I've literally been texting the picc drum major (her roommate) about it all of band camp

my marching today??? absolutely awful. I could barely pay attention or anything

it's ML2's bday!! so I have been trying to mention it a lot and get her recognition so that maybe she's not as angry at me

We got put in a temporary band block yesterday and it's??? terrible? I'd like for the temporary part to end bc we're still using it

today I did a lot of messing up, and I feel really bad and gross about it

there's been this issue that when we do stuff in our big band block, someone in the middle will mess up, and by the time it gets to the ends of the block (us, the piccs), it's a huge mess, and we get blamed

this happened and our DM (the other one, the one who plays alto) was like "I know when I'm wrong" and we were scrambling to figure out where we were supposed to be

lunch!

people from random sections have been eating with us. This is fine, but?? it seems really early. Do you guys even know your own sections?

full band rehearsal! it was uneventful

our first playing sectionals! we stickered our nametags, then played through a lot of songs

we actually did really well, which is probably because we're mostly returners (re: one freshman)

and!! we were worried that our SL was gonna be super nitpicky and she's not! she's super reasonable!

back to full band rehearsal. Our band director made us watch a bunch of videos?? like they were sorta related to what we were doing but eh

I've been doing a lot of exchanging glances with the alto drum major. Mostly about ML2

we also?? have to move section bonding? which usually happens on Thursday night? I told our section leader that she needs to take that day off from her CA stuff, but she didn't, and now she works that night. Finding a replacement was aggravating, and we chose an hour and a half window on Sunday

that's not enough time, and it's... mediocre at best, really

it doesn't leave much space for fun things

dinner! the other librarian staff person is very well known for making really weird food combos that are super gross, and she is on a roll this week, lemme tell ya

a couple days ago it was coffee and chicken, there was cake and meat sauce at one point, etc

"If I can eat it, it's not a dog"

after dinner was more marching

our band director said he was writing pregame drill tonight, which means us drill librarian staff will have our hands full in the morning

did i mention the IMMENSE AMOUNT OF ANXIETY i have about being leadership bc of certain other members in the section?

it's so bad that our section leader had to give us the "don't talk about other members behind their back" speech

we did our singing at the end, and the 5th years led. One of my best friends is a 5th year, and there's only, like, 5 total, and it was really cute

very last of the real ones

and then we flash mobbed the hey song to scare the freshmen, like we do every year, even though we usually do it in the band room

our freshman caught on to the movements fairly well

the night activity was the scavenger hunt!

on the drive to the main part of campus, i asked if we are still doing the "not last" chant, and ML2 was like "I think the other sections get annoyed at it"

I texted our DM bc I was sad that we're retiring the chant

we get out of the car and the piccs aren't sitting in their usual spot which is like the icing on the cake for my stress rn

and then my SL comes up to me and is like "I'm gonna start the chant" "did [DM] talk to you?" "yeah, and I wanna do it" "let's just... wait and see"

but then later, one of the piccs started it, so at least we chanted it and I'm not the only one who cares

the clarinets only had one returner show up (one of my really good friends), so they requested to combine with a different section, and the piccolos all raised their hands up after a moment and shouted "PICCOLOS" so they joined us!

it was sorta scary bc that's a lot of people? we had all 10 of us, and there was a good amount of them, and we only have 15 minutes to run around and do things

but literally no one else wanted them (one of the clarinet freshmen even begged the drumline to take them) and we're friends with them, so

the scavenger hunt began, and SL did an amazing job of leading. I got to help with it! i called out prompts

and DANG were we efficient

we werent even late to getting back

usually while the scores are being calculated, we dick around, and every section did plenty of that, including us, but it was kinda awkward bc the senior piccs wanted no part of it

i was upset bc why can't we just,,, not separate ourselves like that. Why do we have to be different and extra and not social

I stayed with the seniors bc I was more scared of leaving them, but I was annoyed

after scores were calculated and we were all standing together, I went around and said "reminder! all we want is not last" and I get back to my place where I was standing to hear the seniors just like "idc what we get, I just wanna go home"

cool thanks

but we didn't get last!! and we did sorta scream bc that's huge!

last place had 41 points

AND THEN WE DIDN'T GET SECOND TO LAST

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE LOOKS ON OUR FACES

but then we

DIDN'T GET THIRD TO LAST EITHER

at this point we're holding our breath, not screaming, just giving each other Looks

how well did we do? we had such a big section

fast forward to them announcing fourth place, and that wasn't us either, we were all whispering about how we ranked. No matter what, we were first, second, or third, and that's like getting a medal

and we weren't third

"first place had significantly more photos"

that kinda where we all accepted that we got second

and WE FUCKING WON WITH 81 POINTS

WE

WON

WE WON MY FRESHMAN YEAR AND NOW MY SENIOR YEAR

THAT'S H U G E

piccolos don't win things

we don't even know the clarinets

we called ourselves the clarilos

we're so fckn stoked about our win, guys, it hasn't even set in, really

NOT LAST NOT LAST NOT LAST

[macbookpro-hard-drive]

10-16 with Jeremy?

heck yeah gonna throw this under a readmore tho

10. what their most treasured possession is

i wrote this lil fic like... on my old account where jeremy had a magic kit when he was a kid and tbh? i could see that being his most treasured possession! his dad bought it for him and he would put on lil magic shows for his parents and for michael. it just reminds him of happier and simpler times.

11. what sort of tv shows/movies they’d enjoy

jeremy 100% watched stuff like doctor who and star trek with michael and his parents. jerm’s mom was a fuckin huge trekkie and his dad loves star wars so i can imagine jeremy being big into both due to the family ties they have!

but in general, i see jeremy being huge into sci-fi shit, as well as like... some comedic stuff, like b99. he and christine 100% watch b99 together imo

he 100% has a secret love of cheesy romcoms that he shares w christine and rich. they have their own lil movie nights at christine’s house and its nice

12. what sort of video games they’d enjoy

all. 

but honestly, i could see jeremy being big into stuff like resident evil or any of the telltale games (especially tales from the borderlands, which... i have been playing recently lmao), or uhhh the fallout series maybe? 

other than that, the stereotypical pokemon-zelda-mario stuff. he 100% used to play sonic a lot as a kid but he doesn’t really play the newer stuff. owns a copy of sonic boom completely because michael bought it for him as a joke and they both laugh over how dumb it is. it’s good times.

13. what they carry in their bag/pockets

in his pockets:

his wallet

keys (just his house key, which has a fucking ton of keychains so he doesnt feel that bad abt not having a car) 

spare change, a couple receipts bc he forgets to throw them away

a packet of chewing gum thats starting to fall apart (just the box for it) (also: most often trident, either bubblegum flavor or pineapple twist)

and his cell phone

14. what they were like as a kid

jeremy wasn’t really an antisocial child imo. like, around adults? yeah, he’d clam up a little bit - not enough that he’d be completely silent, but he’d be a little bit more likely to stick to his parents if he was uncomfortable enough

i could also see jeremy being pretty well-behaved, mainly bc his parents were always really fuckin keen on him having manners. sure, he’d act out from time to time - but... primarily bc it’d give him some attention from his parents whenever he felt like they’d forgotten about him (which was rare, but he was a kid)

other than that, jeremy was a extremely active kid? always a little taller than most kids, always looking like the scrawny kid he is, but he fucking lived for recess when he was in elementary school. fuckin loved to play kickball. 

also: magician boy. loved the pizzazz of everything. 100% wanted a white rabbit for a couple years - never got one, since he was a kid and they didn’t trust him to take care of a rabbit yet, and eventually he settled for a plush white rabbit. 

15. what their family is like (+ their relationships w their family)

jeremy’s family is... sorta boring, in his opinion - and thats going beyond his parents.

his relationship with his dad was really, really good before the divorce. he was always close to his parents growing up, and then when things started to get messy as his parents argued a bit over what they wanted - eventually that dying down to civil conversation of maybe they should actually get a divorce, but what about jeremy, but this is what’s best - he started to sorta withdraw back into himself. post-squipcident, he’s trying. he and his dad are sorta just... trying to bring their relationship back to what it was, or make it better.

his mom was a divorce attorney, like she is in the book. i can see jeremy being very much of a mama’s boy - and, honestly, if it weren’t for her plans (and if jeremy didn’t have a life in metuchen, like his friendship with michael and a lot of shit at middleborough), i think jeremy could have ended up living with her? i can see his mom moving to some big city tbh. their relationship is a little strained as well, but i can see jeremy finally responding to her texts/email/letters/whathaveyou with a phone call and asking if they could talk or something - post-squipcident, of course. she’s actually dating again and she’s been wanting jeremy to come visit her and meet her boyfriend. he wants to go, but... at the same time, he’s kinda worried about leaving his dad again.

his dad has a brother! he sorta helped jeremy and his dad when jeremys mom left. he lives in edison, nj. tbh he probably visits jeremy and his dad often, and he’s just a jolly dude. jeremy’s really fond of him - they’ve always gotten along. then again, his uncle is a big fucking robotics nerd and he keeps talking to jeremy about getting into that shit with michael, since his school does have a robotics club. jeremy’s actually considering it.

on his dad’s side, jeremy’s pretty close to his grandmother and was sorta close with his grandfather before he passed. he doesn’t get to see her as often as he’d like, since she doesn’t live in metuchen or anywhere close, but she makes some fucking killer pies and jeremy loves visiting her. she’s like... stereotypical sweet granny. 

on his mom’s side, her parents absolutely adore jeremy? it’s only really one-sided, since jeremy sorta doesn’t talk to them since the divorce - but they love to basically pester his dad (which results in them getting jeremy to talk to them) and find out everything jeremy’s been up to. 

his mother is probs the second oldest. i can see her having an older brother and a younger sister. i genuinely cant remember where book-jeremy got the beanie babies from to sell to get the squip, so uhhh i’ll probs update this later w more info haha once i find my copy of the pdf lmao

16. what their phone is like (case, apps, ect!)

jeremy spent fucking years with an iphone 5c (and im slightly projecting here, since i had a 5c until it stopped working :/) that had an black otterbox case. the screen is a little cracked, but nothing bad - phone still works great and the cracks arent too in the way.

as for apps, most of his apps are probably games that he found. just stuff to entertain him whenever he’s particularly bored. cookie run (which he fuckin tries to beat michael at but michael is Too Good and jeremy has the worst timing sometimes so he runs into shit all the time), he still has flappy bird on his phone and protects that app with his life. it shall never leave.

other than that, he probably has like... facebook and instagram, both of which he barely uses, and snapchat - mainly so he can bother michael with dumb snaps.

thank u anon ily im gonna go back to playing life is strange now

[i-ha-te-u]

bechloe road trip / part I

a/n: this is unedited and probably shitty as hell but enjoy it anyway! will this have more chapters or end up as a one-shot bc i’m bored? we will never know. 

the first day.

They had been driving for hours, Chloe’s eyes fixated on a book as her head bopped to songs sounding through her earbuds while Beca’s eyes were fixated on the road car set in cruise control so she was able to relax a bit into the driver’s seat.

It had taken Chloe months to fully convince Beca to go on a road trip with her. At her first attempt, the brunette had just laughed at her, square in the face. “There is no way I will drive around this hell-hole of a country for longer than a maximum of two hours.” Beca had said, glaring at the pouting redhead before bringing her attention back to her phone.

Her second attempt, or rather attempts, had been as unsuccessful as the first. Chloe decided that she would ask Beca to join her on her summer trip every single day. She did it at the most random places and the most inappropriate times. When Beca was 1 second away from falling asleep she would receive a text from Chloe that asked her whether she was tagging along or not. Right before their Worlds performance, Chloe had whispered an invite to the road trip into the brunette’s ear, and she had shoved Chloe away from her firmly as she released a loud sigh. Sometimes when Beca was carelessly sitting on the couch, the redhead had tried seducing her into going, using physical contact.

The last attempt was successful though, and it took quite some effort. It wasn’t that Beca was opposed to the idea of the two Bellas spending time together- because that was one of the bright sides of the entire thing to Beca. The main reason she did not look forward to the whole thing was that it wasn’t a planned out idea. Nothing ever went smoothly when it came to the Bellas. Why would this be different? How much money would the entire thing cost? How were they going to charge their phones if they had to spends their nights in tents somewhere in a forest? How long were they going?

So, Chloe had planned out the entire trip to perfection. She had thought of every little thing there was to think of. There were about 15 charged power banks packed in their suitcases, along with plenty of food and drinks if they were to desert somewhere without gas or phone signal. The redhead had spent (too much) time reading books on how to make fires, what to do in case of emergencies and obviously how to get the most out of your road trip. On top of working out every single detail, she had invited the other Bellas along with them. Separate cars, of course. Beca would’ve gone crazy having to spend longer than 2 hours crammed in a small space with any Bella, except for Chloe. Chloe was okay. More than okay. When she had pitched the entire thing to Beca, the brunette hadn’t been able to resist the sparkle in Chloe’s blue eyes. She couldn’t say no to all the work she had put into this, it’d be a real dick-move.

There were 3 cars all headed in the same direction, following Beca’s lead. Beca and Chloe were seated in the first car, more like a van, that was packed with most of their luggage. The trunk and backseats were filled to the brim, so that the other Bellas could fit in the other two cars. The second vehicle was home to Stacie, Lily, Amy and Flo. The third car was occupied by Aubrey, Emily, Cynthia-Rose, Jessica and Ashley. Stacie and Aubrey were driving because they were the somehow serious ones of them all.

Beca indeed would’ve gone absolutely nuts if she were to be in the other two cars. Stacie was blasting Backstreet Boys, loud enough for pretty much everyone on the highway to hear. Aubrey’s car was filled with chatter and squeals of Aubrey catching up with her old friends and Emily being excited about- basically anything.

Beca’s car was filled with peace, soft music sounding through the vehicle whilst Chloe was leaning back into the passenger’s seat, feet resting on the headboard. Most of the time the redhead was busy reading her book, and occasionally she would look around at the view or stare into the landscapes they were passing by.

“So, ready to tell me where we’re headed to?” Beca was allowed to know every detail, except for the places they were going to. Obviously, she could know the addresses but she was not allowed to look up the spots they were going to. Chloe had done hours of research to find perfect places to settle. Beca being the good friend she is didn’t want to ruin Chloe’s surprise and had resisted her curiosity of googling everything beforehand.

“It’s not as thrilling as you’re expecting it to be, I’m afraid,” Chloe said, releasing an earbud from her ear but not removing her eyes from the book in front of her. “Trust me, my hopes for this trip aren’t extremely high to begin with.” Chloe chuckled and grabbed the bookmark she kept in between the pages, closed the book around it and put it on the ground.

“We’re staying in a motel for the first night.” The total cliché hadn’t really affected Chloe but Beca raised her eyebrows and shifted her eyes towards the redhead. “Really?” “Yup.” Chloe was still not looking at the brunette. “Why a motel? There’s a motel like five minutes from our apartment.”

Chloe sighed as a smile started to form on her lips. She had spent days trying to find a motel that fit the whole road trip aesthetic. There had to be a neon sign that said Motel. There had to be a dinner like Pops in Riverdale or the one in Lady Gaga’s Telephone music video but without the intoxicating of all the guests. It shouldn’t be abandoned but not too touristy as well.

“Because it’s hot.” Chloe couldn’t help the cheeky smile that rested on her face as she finally looked at Beca. The brunette raised an eyebrow at the comment and then rolled her eyes. “Of course you think motels are hot. Do I want to know why you find them- hot?” She mumbled, eyes back on the road.

“Don’t tell me you’ve never seen a movie scene where they hook up in a motel,” Chloe said, part of her believing that Beca had in fact never seen such a scene. “You want to hook up in the motel?” Her voice was on the edge of a chuckle but she was able to keep it in. “Not this time, unless you really want me to. Isn’t that basically what motels are for though?” Beca shrugged and they think about it for a split-second. “Not my point.”

Chloe tried explaining Beca why motels were such a sexy place to go to on their road trip and the brunette couldn’t keep the grin off her face the entire time. “Also I read online that choosing motels over hotels is a nice way to get a hold of the locals. Y'know, go to the sketchy dinner instead of the commercial restaurants. We can get to know the places we’re visiting.”

“And all the others know your motive behind going to a motel as well?” Beca saw Chloe nod in the corner of her eyes. “And they understand?” Beca almost yelled, not believing all Bellas were as crazy as the redhead next to her. “I’m surprised you don’t find it hot.” Chloe folded her arms in front of her, looking out of the window.

Aubrey was a huge fan of the motel idea. So was Amy and they both helped her on her hunt to find the one. They judged her choices of motels carefully and had both agreed a hundred percent on the one they were going to. “I guess you need to convince me a little more,” Beca mumbled, making Chloe grin but deciding not to dig into the subject any further. There was time for that later.

_

After a couple more hours of driving with occasional performances to songs in Beca’s playlist and conversations about light subjects, the Bellas arrived at their destination. They all spent a good five minutes stretching their backs and other body parts, them being sore from sitting in the car all day. It was about 6 PM and the car ride had worn down most of the Bellas already. “You are definitely driving tomorrow,” Beca said to Chloe as she put her hands on her back. “Sure, grandma.”

The Bellas made their way to the entrance of the motel, where they got the keys to their rooms. They paired up groups of two, one of three. Beca and Chloe were naturally a duo and when they opened the door to their room, they found what Beca had been fearing. “Double beds, seems like we’ll be cuddling tonight.” Chloe grinned as she moved swiftly past the brunette.

She had closed her eyes in frustration. She didn’t share beds with Chloe often and whenever they had shared beds, Beca could never turn down any invitation of physical contact between the two. It stripped her down from her badass vibe completely, and up until now, only Chloe was allowed to see that side of her. Sometimes.

“Fun.” She said dryly, rolling her suitcase into the room. “Don’t sound too excited.” Chloe was in the bathroom, checking out the shower she was definitely planning on hitting after they had unpacked their essentials. Beca looked around the room. It was relatively luxe for a motel, but not overly done. It was light and pretty spacious. The bathroom was nice, nothing gross.

“So? Hot right.” Chloe said, walking back into the bedroom. Beca could hear the smirk on her face and it made her grin as well. “Yeah, it has me all riled up,” Beca said, sarcasm dripping off the comment as she lifted her suitcase on the bed. She zipped it open and unpacked her toiletries and pajamas, laying them out on the bed.

“I’m gonna hit the shower real quick before we go get some food,” Chloe stated after she had unpacked her towel from her suitcase. “Care to join me?” The redhead joked flirtatiously, making the brunette snort quietly. “Never again Beale.” She said, unfazed by her invitation. “Bummer.” The door closed and the brunette looked up, a shit-eating grin settled on her lips.

It was well-known that Beca and Chloe were quite flirty around each other, most of it coming from Chloe’s side. Occasionally Beca would join her banter but most of the time she’d turn red and commanded Chloe to stop before she was going to punch her. It also wasn’t a secret that Beca found the redhead attractive. She often complimented her but did it sneakily. “You’re lucky you’re that pretty.” or “Get your cute butt over here.”

Flirting had always been something Chloe enjoyed doing. It joyed her even more when the receiving end turned mushy and flustered over her flirtatious remarks. Beca was like this most of the time and oh, how she loved it. And up until now, Beca had never confessed to feeling uncomfortable or out of place by Chloe’s flirting. In fact, when the redhead had asked about that Beca had shrugged. “I would’ve absolutely told you by now if it made me uncomfortable.”

_

As promised, they visited the dinner that was across from the motel and it was everything it was expected to be. The local drunks enjoying a beer as they chatted with the waiters, the meals were pretty basic as were the milkshakes, but it was doable for the Bellas. They had spent the entire night chatting. Lack of space made them pair up in groups of 3 and 4, each of them sitting at different booths.

CR and Lily threw fries towards Fat Amy’s direction, who caught each one in her mouth and she found that very incredible of herself. Emily, Flo, Jessica and Ashley enjoyed their meals as they chatted calmly. Chloe and Aubrey sat next to each other, Beca and Stacie opposite from them.

“Please explain to me why this whole thing is considered hot because I’m not convinced yet.” Beca didn’t even try to make it sound like a question. She pretty much demanded an explanation, receiving a grin from the redhead in front of her. “Well,” Stacie started “First of all, a motel is mysterious. You’ll probably never ever stay in the same motel twice, so it always feels like you’re leaving your fingerprints on there. Second of all, neon is always sexy.” She gestured towards the large neon sign that spelled out M O T E L. “However, it would’ve been better if one of the letters would occasionally jitter but it’s fine.” Chloe chuckled as she bit down on the straw in her milkshake, enjoying the way Stacie explained the whole thing. “Last of all, how incredibly adorable is it to sit in this dinner, that would’ve been pretty much empty if we weren’t here, and eat unhealthy food while sharing milkshakes with your friends?”

Chloe looked at Beca with her ‘I told you so’- look and folded her arms in front of her, which made Beca squint her eyes at her before allowing a smile on her lips. “Convinced?” The redhead asked, raising an eyebrow at her. “Pretty much.” “Great.” Chloe wore a proud smile before turning her attention back to the other two girls at the table.

_

Around 9 PM the Bellas decided to head back to the motel, most of them being exhausted by the car ride. Everyone besides Chloe, who had talked Beca into staying back at the dinner with her for a little longer.

“I want to do two more things before heading back. You’re probably going to hate them but that doesn’t matter because you love me, so you’re going to agree to do them.” Beca chuckled. “Well, it sounds like I don’t really have a say in this whole thing, so- whatever. What do you want to do?”

Chloe took Beca’s straw from her milkshake and it made the brunette frown, not really understanding what she was doing until she put the straw in her own milkshake and shoved it in the middle of the table. “If you say anything remotely close to this being a gross cliché I will dump this shake onto your head.” The redhead mumbled, then smiling at Beca sweetly. “You’re so weird.” Chloe took her straw between her lips and waited for Beca to do the same. She stubbornly kept her arms folded over her chest but eventually gave in to the baby-blue eyes in front of her and too wrapped her lips around the straw.

She was forced to look at the face in front of her, and normally she wouldn’t have been able to keep a straight face, but Chloe wasn’t looking at her funnily. Instead, her head was resting on her hand and her eyes radiated an ease that seemed to alter the entire dinner into a peaceful haven. Sounds of dishes rattling or drunk laughing didn’t catch Beca’s ears and her attention was fully on the face in front of her. She felt calm all of a sudden, intensely enjoying Chloe’s presence a lot at that moment.

The sound of slurping made the brunette snap out of her gaze, looking down at the empty glass. “Great. That was- great.” Beca leaned back and returned to sitting with her arms folded across her chest. “Don’t tell me that wasn’t nice,” Chloe said, cocking an eyebrow at her grumpy friend. “It was okay.” She didn’t want to fully admit how nice the cliché had been, but Chloe knew she had in fact, found it a little nice. But sadly, she had to accept that the brunette was never gonna be vocal about that.

“Let’s head out,” Chloe said, getting out of the seats. One of the other Bellas had already paid for their meals and with a quick goodbye to the owner of the dinner, the two girls left their spot. “Didn’t you want to do two things?” The brunette asked, confused as to why they were heading back to the motel.

“We’re not done yet,” Chloe said, wiggling her eyebrows as she walked ahead of Beca, making the brunette follow her. They made their way to the gas station that was connected to the motel. “We,” Chloe started, turning around to face Beca, “are getting cheap booze at the gas station and drinking it while we sit and watch the stars.”

She pulled the brunette into the little store with her, not allowing her to protest against the idea. They greeted the woman sitting behind the cash desk as they headed towards the coolers that kept the drinks cold. Chloe grabbed two beers and looked over at Beca. “Please?” She asked, holding each beer to the side of her face as she pouted.

Beca rolled her eyes and chuckled. “Whatever Chlo.” She mumbled before following the excited redhead towards the cashier. They paid for the drinks and headed outside. They made their way to Beca’s car and leaned against the front of the truck. “Cheers.” Chloe clinked their bottles together and smiled before taking a sip.

“Is this romantic to you?” Beca asked, using sarcasm as a camouflage for her genuine curiosity about whether or not Chloe Beale thought chliché’s were romantic. “Obviously.” Their eyes were up to the sky, wandering around the millions of stars above them. Beca swiftly looked over at the redhead, whose eyes were big and sparkly, trying to gaze over every fleck of light above them. Then Chloe turned her head towards Beca and smiled.

“You?” Beca thought about the question for a bit. This had in fact been one of the most thought out dates, she had been on. Not that they were necessarily on a date, but they did do date-like things. Most of the ones Beca had been on were movies or fancy restaurants. And for a small moment, Beca understood why Chloe preferred these types of nights over boring films and expensive food. Those were the real clichés.

“A little,” Beca answered softly, after a while of thinking passed them. It made a smile grow on Chloe’s lips and she stepped closer to Beca to lean her head on the brunette’s shoulder. “Don’t get too excited,” Beca mumbled, and she heard a soft giggle from the redhead which made her heart melt.

And Beca was a hundred percent sure that Chloe was her best friend, but in moments like this she felt a wave of butterflies course through her stomach and a heavy feeling loathed her chest and head. She allowed letting the feelings course through her blood and enjoyed watching the stars with the redhead nuzzled against her shoulder. And she successfully ignored the fact that when Chloe did things like this, Beca fell in love with her little by little. For now, they enjoyed the stars above them and their cheap beers.

[dovechim]

After a hectic week I can finally sit down and dedicate the next hour or so to continue my story because I really want to get to the part which I'd like to hear your opinion - and everyone else's - about!! ☆ Long Story Anon

So we kept messaging for the following days, both busy with our respective classes; but before I knew it and I can't say I was surprised, he invited me to do something again less than a week later. We're from a considerably small city, there isn't much to do around here, so we had a hard time coming up with an idea. Well, he suggested to pick me up and we'd go back to his house to eat something, to which I agreed. I was with my friend and we were both jumping around from excitement ☆ 1

Needless to say my friends all loved him; they were happy that after such a long time and with such bad luck in love I finally found what seemed to be the last guy on earth who was worth more than two seconds of my life. I knew going to his house implied something more serious than making out could happen, but honestly I didn't mind if it did. In context, he lived with his little brother and parents; where we're from it's common at our age to still live at home since we've not graduated yet ☆2

But he'd mentioned during the first date that his parents were away for an anniversary holiday and his little brother was staying with the oldest one who lived in his own apartment with his fiance; meaning we had the house for ourselves. As planned he picked me up and took me there, had some food delivered and we watched terrible horror films on netflix. He'd cheesily try to put his arm around me on the couch and I'd move closer, ending up snuggled together with my heart about to burst ☆ 3

At one point both brothers and the fiance show up with some food, for some reason and that's when I knew half his family on the second date lol. But they moved upstairs quite quickly after eating and left us alone to watch the movies. Eventually he'd kiss my cheek, not-so-subtly letting me know he wanted to KISS-kiss me, but me being the nervous little shit I am didn't really know what to do. It'd been two whole years since I even attempted to make out with someone!! ☆ 4

So he had to move even closer and he said, which I'll never forget: "you're so shy", which I wasn't surprised about, it's not common for a 22 year old to be that reserved, I guess, but with a little bit of patience that single moment turned into the best first kiss I've ever had. I was so scared he'd be a terrible kisser, like I'd experienced before bc that's just a deal breaker for me and everything else about him was so perfect; but boy...was I wrong. We ended up making out for so long that ☆5

Our lips hurt, and he didn't even try to go too far, already noticing that I wasn't the kind of girl to tear off our clothes and start fucking (not that I didn't wish I were lol), so he just held me tight and took me home eventually. God, the memory of his kisses will never leave my mind. To this day I still get butterflies because it was the kind of kiss that makes you feel like your bodies fit together and makes your toes curl :') ☆ 6

im so soft for you and him already :”)))) it’s so sweet that he wasn't afraid of scaring you off and still went for it!! a lot of guys i know are hesitant about dating an inexperienced girl bc they’re scared they will scare her off, and once my friend asked me how he should chase after a girl who has never dated. i literally got so pissed lmao i just said “just fucking treat her like a fucking normal person!!! what are you intending to do that might scare her off???” 

We had a third date after that, about a week later. We went out to eat and it was the day he started posting instagram stories with me and tbh I was surprised. In our generation it takes more than just a couple of dates for a guy to 'announce' he's not 'single' anymore. You know, like if he had intention of seeing other girls at the same time he wouldn't be parading me around for everyone to see, which only fed my hopes of him being 'the one' even more ☆ 7

omg yes :/ the dating culture is so complicated lmao like ppl can be going out with different people at the same time and there’s a certain time after which you’re considered exclusive... it’s so tiring tbh

Another week passed and out of the blue he was asking me to meet his parents. He was very lowkey about it; he said he missed me, mentioning they'd returned from NY and asking if we could meet again that night, but "my parents would be there too, is that a problem?" lol. So I said no, obviously, even though I was shitting my pants, I'd never met a boy's parents in that context before but he seemed excited. He picked me up and we drove back to his place where they were waiting for me ☆ 8

I decided I didn't want to read too much into it back then, but still couldn't help but notice that the older borther+fiance had dropped plans to go to dinner with us so 'the whole family would be there to meet me'. Did that mean him bringing a girl home wasn't that common? Was I actually that special? As if I didn't notice myself falling fast and hard for me enough, his whole family welcomed me with huge open arms. His little brother, extroverted as they come at the age of 10 did everything ☆9

To include me in the conversations; the older brother would tell embarrassing stories. The parents, both doctors, both dating since college and pretty much the whole family (fiancee included) were some of the most welcoming people I'd ever met. They treated me like a family member from the very beginning and noticing how nervous I was they would try to make the dinner as easy going as they could. The guy in question, let's call him Jed? Would hold my hand under the table to calm me down ☆ 10

Or rub soothing circles over my the fabric of my jeans to distract me when a family member would embarrass him. I fell in love with his family as fast as I fell in love with him and I just couldn't believe I'd found someone so perfect. We'd make out until our lips were sore and he'd drop me off at home always leaving me with a feeling of sadness that I had to say goodbye. He made me so happy that I started to go out more, meeting my friends I was just in such a good mood because of him ☆ 11

no you must have been so nervous!!!!! i mean i get that he was low key but  still... parents are a big deal. i hope his intentions were rly pure and that he was that into you!! but im glad they were nice :”) 

I'd even dare to say he made me a better person in ways only I can understand. He'd text me what he was doing or who he was with every day, all the time, even if I didn't ask -which I never did. Sure, he wasn't perfect; sometimes he'd forget we had plans. I have a feeling he lied to me a couple of times but about nothing really major; sometimes he'd be in a bad mood and be sarcastic and annoying af but honestly nothing too bad. All in all I had absolutely nothing to complain about him☆ 12

It wasn't until around a month and a half into the 'relationship' that we went out for drinks and then back to his place that he tried to have sex with me (he'd waited to bring it up more than any other guy I'd ever met lol). I didn't directly tell him I was a virgin, he kinda guessed, and he was more than okay with it, even saying 'I'll wait as long as you want to'; and damn I didn't really want to wait that long, it was just that the time was never right! ☆ 13

At this point we'd both had dinner with his parents several times already. They told me in that household they'd set the habit of having dinner together every night, and were more than happy to let me into their little tradition. At more casual nights we'd sit down and watch some film on netflix, the parents and little brother always moving upstairs at the end and leaving us both alone to make out some more lol. I was even invited to his dad's birthday dinner at a fancy ass restaurant ☆ 14

this is so cute 😭 im just very ugh whenever a guy kinda hints at sex bc dude u gotta make me WANT it not just ask for it :/ but it sounds like he was super respectful!! and tbh im just very bad with other ppl’s parents, but his sounds rly perfect  😭 do such ppl even exist??? i cant even remember the last time i ate w my family :/ 

So by the third month I already felt part of that family tbh. I'd cooked alongside the mother like lifelong friends, and sat down for coffee after dinner to talk about how fast technology is moving with his dad. His little brother would tell jokes or ask me to teach him some guitar and I think they began to love me as much and as fast as I loved them, honestly. I was even invited to the dog's birthday part lmfao I was just unable to attend but was kindly provided with video memories ☆ 15

Everything was going so perfect, I think we could've lasted so much longer but maybe just the timing wasn't right. I still remember him dearly though, but back then I had my heart broken so bad that I simply wish I'd never met him. What hurt the most was growing so attached to his family and then out of the blue, and without a single chance to say goodbye I never saw any of them again. I should've known life isn't a movie or a book and nothing that starts so well can end just as happily ☆ 16

WHY ARE YOU USING PAST TENSE?????????? NO!!!!!!!!!!! IM SO SHAKEN RIGHT NOW bc this feels like that part in a book where the author’s just leading u towards that horribly devastating ending and that’s exactly what ur doing  😭

The last night I went to his house - btw we never visited MY house because MY family as much as I love them to death aren't as welcoming as his was with me, so until I knew FOR SURE this guy and I were serious, I decided to suggest activities that required not being at my place lol - the whole evening started weirdly. He'd been taking longer than usual to text me, and it was getting too late so I though we just weren't doing anything but he insisted he wanted to see me ☆ 17

And fuck, I wanted to see him to, once or twice a week just wasn't enough anymore and I missed his touch so badly. So I agreed for him to pick me up, even though he kind of strung me along for a few hours. By the time he picked me up I hadn't eaten, not knowing wth we were going to do but he said he'd had dinner before picking me up. Why would he though? He knew we had plans, which usually involved dinner, why not wait for me for eating? Either way, I'd missed him, I wasn't about to fight ☆ 18

We reached his place and his mom was already going upstairs for sleeping along with the little brother; the father was performing a surgery so we were alone at the living room together. He was a little tense and I didn't understand why, he said he was tired because he'd had class up until late and I asked if he just wanted me to leave but he asked me not to; he wanted to see me, he wanted me to stay. We cuddled on the couch and I had to wake him back up several times, growing annoyed ☆ 19

And when the dad got home he quickly got up and pretended to do something in the kitchen. The man had to eat and we had to wait for him to leave to sit back together, the whole situation was awkward af. I was wondering if I should just call a cab and leave, but he insisted not to. At around 2am (it was a friday) while making out he asked if I wanted to go up to his room, to which I said yes. He knew what that meant, so he was excited about it, going upstairs to check if his room was clear ☆ 20

Damn, I hit ask limit again :'( I'll have to leave it here right now but I swear I'll get to the point eventually lol I'm sorry!! also thank you for giving me your patience and space to tell this story, I feel like this way I can tell it without filters about what really happened or how I felt and actually receive honest unbiased opinions

omg i literally cannot believe u ended right there??????? i hate tumblr’s ask limit. im on the edge of my seat right now!!! thank you for taking the time to send me these, im so invested in ur story now its insane!! 

come back whenever you have time bb

[swearronchanel]

6.08, my last commentary™ R I P to me

I wanted to post this right away but my phone died and I broke my charger so I had to handle that but now I’m finally able to. I’m literally dead, I STILL can not process how amazing it was. So I’ll just get on with it post my earlier thoughts  

¡¡TODAY IS THE DAY AHH!! IM FREAKING LATE KILL ME

BUT HOW ARE WE ALREADY HERE? IM NOT READY FOR THIS SERIES TO END BUT I NEED TO SEE SHELGAH *SAFELY* GIVE BIRTH TO A HEALTHY BABY. ANYWAY IM LITERALLY GOING TO DIE AFTER THIS EPISODE SO ENJOY THE FINAL THOUGHTS OF MY LIFE, LETS GET IT ..

MY HEART IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE ITS BEATING SO FAST

TBH I MIGHT SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST

SCREW THESE CREDITS BUT I NEED THEM BC IM NOT READY OMG

IM SCREAMING

aw baby! & hey val

Does this mean Delia had No letters from pats this whole time??

MY BBY SHELAGH OMG HER BELLY

SHE CANT REACH HER SHOE OMG SO PRECIOUS THOUGH

Sister MJ I love u 😭😂

Family planning clinic!

YES VAL! they’re women not criminals !!

YES TRIXIE THANKS BBY FOR SPEAKING UP

aww poor Barbara

“..There are tales of missionaries served for luncheon in those climes” LMAO OMG SISTER MJ THATS NOT WHAT SHE NEEDS TO HEAR RIGHT NOW

It’s so sweet that Babs really wants her dad, I feel. My grandfather officiated my parents’ and brother’s wedding, I hope he does mine. If someone wants to marry me one day ofc lol 😂😭

SHELAGH IS ACTUALLY YELLING .. WHY DO I LOVE IT?

All the shit she’s been through/delt with and pregnancy sets her off huh..

BUT TRIXE AND SHEALGH INTERACTING YESS NOT THE WAY I WANTED BUT ILL TAKE IT FOR NOW

AWW MY BBY CRYING SOMEONE HUG HER 😭😭💕💕

MY BBY TRIXIE IS SMIRKING AT MY OTHER BBY LOL STOP 😭😭💔

“Hot and bothered” 😭😂 Violet having hot flashes. That’s not funny but i giggled I’m sorry immature of me

I can’t imagine being around when the pill was just coming out(or antibiotics even) like that must have been so wild ? you really would think they were magic *remember Vanessa Redgrave saying that in series 2?*

my mom is a nurse at a gyn/fertility office and she informed me of so much at a young age lol maybe that’s why I’m so curious idk?

lol I remember being like 13 and my friends didn’t know there was more than just the pill when it came to birth control and I really felt I was an expert😂 but *a judge’s voice* irrelevance moving on.

Needing your husbands permisson for a bank account? *sucks teeth* Vete ya!

Aw my bby shelagh 💔💔😭

“And I’ll warrant you’ve never felt more scared” I AM! AND THIS ISNT EVEN MY FICTIONAL PREGNANCY

“Oh lass“😭 PHYLLIS COMFORTING HER OMG I AM CRYING ALREADY, I NEVER KNEW I WANTED THIS

"Phyllis you’ve been a real friend” IM NOT OKAY OMG, THEY’VE COME SO FAR I CRY

OMG SHELAGH BEING SO CUTE WTF OMGGG 💖

PROTECT MY BBY & HER BABY AT ALL COSTS 💕💕

THE NONNATUNs CHEERING SO PURE 😭

“What if something goes wrong?” stop tempting fate Patrick !!

“I’ve made up my mind” MY BBY I CANT DEAL .. once upon a time she couldn’t speak up and was so timid 😭 my bby has grown

Her lipstick is a nice color, wait what’s this lady’s name?

The nurses all together makes me so happy omg why is this so adorable, even Phyllis is there !! SO PURE💕

Lol poor Fred tries his best !

Damn secondment to st Cuthberts, I guess Trixie couldn’t even be considered for to be Shelagh’s midwife

SHELAGH IN THE CARDIGAN >>

OF COURSE SHE CHOSE SISTER JULIENNE WE WOULDN’T HAVE ACCEPTED IT ANY OTHER WAY

“‘MY DEAR” BRB DROWNING IN TEARS

but omg was Phyllis disappointed 😭 no don’t be hurt that’s her basically her mother! (sister j and Phyllis would’ve been a good tag team though)

this montage just reminds me brb #irresponsibleme

Future Hereward’s take a note from the Turners, find out about each other sooner rather than later

LOL TOM’S AWKWARD FACE BC BABS IS GETTING CONTRACEPTION

it’s Wilma! her name is Wilma, noted.

Lol what does she sell? Is the company like Avon ? 😂I’m confused but also screaming too much internally

poor Babs is so nervous and feeling awkward 😂

Her face while on the bed😂 I feel

LMAO BABS TAKING OUT THE DIAPHRAGM & DROPPING IT HA

BUT WAIT THAT WAS THE TURNERS BATHROOM WTF ??

Patrick putting on or tying Shelagh’s shoes my fucking heart is melting

She doesn’t want him there .. for now?

“..We’re a team” 😭😭💕💕 marriage goals

“The minute I look at you I’ll give you everything you ask for” BRB I AM INDEED GOING TO SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST

I CAN NOT DEAL

Phyllis exercising 😭😂

“I have chosen one of my friends” OMG MY HEART

PHYLLIS BE MY BRIDESMAID !??

why does she only have one though? is it more like a maid of honor?

HERES COME MORE TEARS

THE SPANISH AYE DIOS MI CORAZON

Aw good for Wilma being happy with her job! Does everyone call the sofa the settee?

There’s that babycham! Still was never sure if it was alcoholic or nah? sparkling cider maybe?

OMG I HAVE A BOTTLE IN MY BAG THAT I BROUGHT FROM FLORIDA

new drinking came, shots every time the show makes you cry lol jk i’d be on the floor 20 mins in 

that sports car aye

My bby looking good 😍😍

she knows what it’s like to be hurt Christopher😭

You’re not supposed to take 3 at a time Wilma, I’ve been scolded enough

Okay so Babs just fell asleep and that’s all?? Preview made it seem more dramatic

Now is Val going to listen and not touch anything? lol probably

Violet always rocking blue eyeshadow haha

Is that a silicone faja?? that looks hella uncomfortable

TRIXIE’S FACE OF DISGUST HAHA

OMG THE FAM HELPING OUT WITH FUNDS MY HEART

I WANT TO BE APART OF THE NONNATUS FAMILY!

PHYLLIS AND BABS DRESS SHOPPING I LOVE THIS

“.. she’ll have me to reckon with”  TE QUERIO MUCHO PHYLLIS

I NEED A PHYLLIS IN MY LIFE

SHE HAS A FAV DRESS OMG I LOVE HER

HER FACE OMG I NEED THAT SCREENSHOTTED

SHELAGH MY BBY😭😭

Their new bedroom is so 60s I love it

She still didn’t read the pamphlet !! I love her omg, such pure intentions

OMG SISTER J REMINISCING, AH FINALLY SOME ACKNOWLEDGEMENT THAT SHE WAS A NUN, I AM SOBBING BYEE IM DYING. MY HEART RATE IS SLOWING DOWN

POOR DEELS AW OMG she doesn’t deserve this, she barely has screen time don’t hurt her 

Shealgh’s got another nightgown! 1962/2017 is apparently the year of nighties #thebrinylonforthewinthough

I love pink waffers 😭😂

SHIT WHAT’S WRONG WITH WILMA IM SCARED, IS IT A HEART ATTACK?? BLOOD CLOT??

poor vi!! aww she misses reggie too!

AW FRED HUG HER

and he’s fanning her omg so pure

SHEALGH’S GOING IN TO LABOR ?? AHHHHH OMGG IM NOT READY

but also she has a housecoat how cute

SISTER J SAID “HIS SPINE” OMG HOW DOES SHE KNOW ALREADY

“I knew it” bless u bby😭😭 she is a GEM. WHY IS SHE SO LOVABLE?

omg Wilma don’t die, Trixie can u save her 😭

shit not looking good, maybe this was the death they meant

shelagh throwing up yikes

“She’s smiling and waving” yea we know that smiling and waving😂😂 but omg doesn’t this remind anyone of when you’ve been partying too hard but you’re trying to convince your friends that you’re not ready to tap out yet😂😭

if not nevermind I’ll feel trashy lmaoo

PASS THAT GAS AND AIR SISTER J

AW BBY YOU ARE BRAVE!!!!!!!

IM CRYING BUT RUNNING OUT OF TEARS

HOW TF DOES LAURA LOOK GORGEOUS ALL SWEATY AND IN TEARS WHILE PRETENDING TO BE IN LABOR?? & i’m still a creature?

Poor Patrick! He must be going as crazy as I am!

I DONT HAVE ASTHMA BUT I NEED AN INHALER BC I CANT BREATHE IM SO ANXIOUS OMG

IM NOT A SMOKER BUT I FEEL LIKE I NEED A CIGG BC IM ABOUT TO LOSE IT

Trixie is doing Wilma’s makeup omg I can’t take this 😭💔💔

“I can’t believe I used to dream of this” OMG SHELAGH & SISTER J

“Every woman alive is the sum of all she ever did, and felt, and was.” ..“and how do you know that?” ..“ i wasn’t aware that I did until just now”

¡¡¡IM A W R E C K!!! l o v e that

SHE IS SINGING DORIS DAY’s SECRET LOVE AND I AM F*CKING DEAD GOODBYE

PATRICK SINGING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR SOMEONE SEND H E L P IM DYING I BET IT’S “THEIR SONG” & YOU ARE ALL CORDIALLY INVITED TO MY FUNERAL IMMEDIATELY AFTER THIS EPISODE  

I’M NOT GONNA MAKE IT

“We can’t just be like any other couple.. because we’re us”

MY HEART WTF I SWEAR IT IS ABOUT TO BURST BUT IT’S NOT BEATING

IM DEAD INSIDE AND MY BODY WILL FOLLOW WHEN THIS IS OVER

Get in there Patrick!

“The children are here” .. to say goodnight omg no😢

OMG PATRICK HOLDING HER I AM FUCKING SCREAMING

“YOU CLEVER GIRL” OMGG WHO CALLED IT

I CANT SEE WHATS HAPPENING TOO MANY TEARS IN MY EYES

IT’S A BOY I KNEW IT WELL I HAD A FEELING !

BABYTURNERLAND 2.0!!!! QUE LINDO DIOS TE BENDIGA 💖👼🏼

WHAT IS HIS NAME???

THIS IS THE BEST EPISODE OF MY LIFE WOW I CANT PROCESS IT ALL

“May the lord bless you and keep you” OMGGG, JESUS HEIDI WTF ARE YOU DOING TO ME ??!! I’ve never been so invested in a show or fictional characters’ lives like this 😭😭

I NEVER THOUGHT WE’D SEE THIS DAY AND IM HAVING SO MANY FEELS, I BARELY HAVE ANY THOUGHTS I AM S h o o k, I AM NOTHING IN THIS WORLD. JUST USELESS TRASH FOR CTM

WELL, ALMOST 19 YEARS OF LIVING WAS GOOD ENOUGH RIGHT?

HONESTLY JUST PUT ME IN THE GARBAGE BC I HAVE NOTHING OF SUBSTANCE TO SAY IM JUST GUSHING AND DYING

BUT SERIOUSLY LAURA MAIN IS I N C R E D I B L E AND DESERVES EVERY AWARD SO PLEASE GET IT TOGETHER @ THE EMMYS, THE SAGS, THE GOLDEN GLOBES & ALL OTHER AWARDS OF ALL PRESTIGE!!  STOP PLAYING GAMES & GIVE LAURA + CTM THE RECOGNITION IT DESERVES  !! & no excuses it happened for downton!

NO WILMA IS DEAD NO

The pill is so great and useful and miraculous in a way but I’m glad they showed some of its issues but DID THEY REALLY HAVE TO KILL THE FIRST WOMEN THEY GAVE IT TO? I’m still here tho, I’m rolling

NO TOM DONT SAY THaT WTF? TRIXIE IS OVER U AND U ARE OVER HER don’t ruin the moment

why did I think bab’s dad was the rev Applebee Thornton 😭😂😂😂?? where’s Jane lol

My bby trixie serving looks as always 😍😍

Aw his daughter is cute

CHRISTOPHER LOOKS GOOD TOO UGH😍

What are knickerbocker glories?

lol Boots! lowkey want to go there to satisfy my 15 year old self who liked to watch British youtubers affordable makeup videos (tbh I still do when I’m bored)

REGGIE! OMG HE CALLED VI MUM I DIE

OH YEA THE WEDDING OMG LOL I DONT FORGOT FOR A SEC

IM STILL SCREAMING, MY FREAKING BBY JUST HAD A MIRACLE BABY !!!!! I LEGIT RAN OUT OF TEARS WHAT DO I DO

LOOK HOW FAR WE HAVE COME MY GOD

THE GIRLS SINGING “HAPPY WEDDING DAY” TO BABS OMG THAT WAS GREAT, I NEED FRIENDS LIKE THAT

I NEED TO WATCH THIS AGAIN AND IT DIDNT FINISH YET

LMAO TOM AND FRED HUNGOVER, relatable AF😂😭

SO IS TOM’S SURPRISE IS MONEY? Or is he going to buy her something!?

Barbara’s cape reminds me of Phoebe’s from FRIENDS

The stain glass !! love it

PHYLLIS LOOKS SO ADORABLE OMG HER BOUCLE SUIT AW

WHY A HEADBAND ON YOUR WEDDING DAY BABs? BUT good for them lol 😭 I don’t care enough at the moment  but let them be happy they’re so great for each other !

HE GOT A FUCKING CAROUSEL OMG

damn. Nice one Tom. I’m a little jealous, someone needs to love me like that.😭

“At times, the present seems most perfect when it seeds lie in the past. And others, life is rendered flawless when we look towards future, glimpsing from within one golden moment all the joys the days to come might hold” 💕😢😭

THE TURNERS, NOW A FAMILY OF 5 OMGGGGGGG 😭😭

THE NUNS SO PURE ❣️ lol obviously

“We can not stand still because the world keeps turning. Every year must give way to the next and it’s stories must be folded, tucked away like children’s clothes outgrown, cherished and never quite forgotten”

VANNESSA ALWAYS SAYS THE RIGHT THINGS UGH

Aw Angela with Tim!

My BBY SHELAGH IN HER BLUE OUTFIT WITH UNNAMED BABY TURNER ID CRY IF I COULD

“1962 was a year of great change at Nonnatus House, but there’s always change, everywhere, there are always new faces, new tears to shed, new joys to invest in , yet the circle of love is not broken, it expands.” YOU GOT THAT RIGHT🙏🏼👏🏼🙌🏻😭😭😢😢💖💖

I NEED THE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL LIKE TOMORROW PLEASE

lol Val screaming it’s snowing 😭 same

PATSY!!!

SHE AND DELIA KISSED OMG

GOOD FOR THEM 😭

ALSO GOOD FOR ME bc I was tired of the same complaints that BBC broke them apart and Patsy was “sent away” nah man Emerald was busy!

“Love bares all things, love believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things and love never ends”

THIS WAS INCREDIBLE WOW IM A MESS

IF I DIDNT KNOW THEY WERE COMMISSONED FOR 3 MORE SERIES I’D THINK THIS WAS THE END??

BUT UGH NOW WE MUST WAIT

ANYWAY I SEE THE LIGHT FOLKS

IDK IF THIS IS HELL OR HEAVEN BUT I AM DEAD, I SEE THE EARTH BEHIND ME

TBH ITS PROB HELL

Someone throw me in the damn ground already!!

In loving memory of Gabby Nuñez (1998-2017) taken far too soon because of the emotional toll brought by call the midwife, she didn’t choose to get so emotionally invested it just happened. She is grateful for her time on earth, you may leave comments, flowers or send money. Thank you for putting up with her nonsense and foolishness *now someone give my eulogy & someone else may come up and sing a hymn to conclude*

[rosaryteeth]

found an ask meme just so i could answer some questions because i’m BORED i need something to do

1. Are you a virgin?

no

2. Does anyone besides you know your bra/penis size?

i don’t even know my bra size anymore 

3. Do you know anyone who has any STDs?

not that i know of, but it’s not rlly yknow...widely discussed i think

4. Were you married when you first lost your virginity?

no

5. Do you swear under celibacy?

no lmao sometimes i wish i did bc i don’t have sex often enough and celibacy would give me a voluntary reason to not have sex

6. When did you first lose your virginity? If you haven't, when would you like to?

i was 19, the summer after my sophomore year of college

7. Have you ever gotten tricked into aphrodisiacs or alcohol for sex?

no yikes 

8. Have you walked in on someone masturbating/having sex?

no 

9. Have you ever seen someone masturbate or have sex with their permission?

kind of?? it was over facetime and i couldn’t see anything below the waist 

10. Where is the weirdest place you have had sex?

honestly i’ve really never had sex in a weird place. it was only weird to me bc of the situation but the last time i had sex was in the guy’s family’s house, and his family is like super well known in my city so it felt like a weird accomplishment to get railed inside their home

11. If you had to chose one, would you have outdoor sex or car sex?

i’ve never done either, but there are so many pros and cons to both. pro, outdoor sex would have more room, but con, the thought of getting like grass or dirt or any foreign bits in my vagina sounds terrible. i think i’d rather do it in a car

12. When was the age you first masturbated? Whether you knew it or not?

i was 14 when i reeeally did it, like gave myself an orgasm and vaguely knew that was what i was trying to do. but i started messing around with myself some when i was 13, i just had no idea how my anatomy actually worked

13. Have you ever helped someone "finish"?

yes

14. Have you ever had an erection in the past month? (clitorial counts, too)

i guess (i never think of it as a clitoral erection lmao that just sounds so weird to me)

15. When was the last time you have had an erection? (clitorial counts, too)

uh like two nights ago, i masturbate almsot every night just because

16. Have you ever had an erection and someone noticed?

thankfully no one can see these clitoral erections B)

17. What is your method of masturbation? (ie. toys, clitorial, prostate)

it used to be just clitoral (just hands or a vibrator), but in the last few months i discovered crystal dildos and now that is where its at

18. What is your bra/penis size?

again i have no idea

19. Has anyone seen your private parts other than yourself or a family member?

yes

20. What is the strangest thing you have ever put up your vagina/anus?

i guess crystal dildos are kinda strange

21. Do you like rough sex or intimate sex better?

why can’t it be BOTH

22. When was the last time you masturbated?

tuesday night i think

23. When was the last time you had sex?

in november lmao it’s been too long

24. When was the last time you watched porn?

probably the last time i masturbated 

25. Have you ever bought a sex toy? If so, which one did you buy last? First sex toy? If not, which one do you plan on buying when you do?

yes, i bought my first vibrator two years ago when i was 19, and yes it still works 

26. Guys: Circumsized?

welp

27. Which not-genital part of your body do you like being touched?

my NECK i will be putty in your hands if you touch my neck

28. Which genital part of your body do you like being touched?

i mean....everything

29. Girls: Are you able to achieve orgasm just through breast stimulation?

no, i don’t really have a ton of feeling in my nipples, never have

30. What color/type of underwear are you wearing?

navy blue from victoria’s secret 

31. Have you ever sent someone a picture or video of you in the nude?Did it include sexual actions?

yes i’ve sent pictures of myself that were sexual but i’ve never sent one with actual nudity

32. Have you ever posted a picture of image of you in the nude on a website? Did it include sexual actions?

yes, i’ve posted ~tasteful nudes~ here and on my finsta for my friends. none included sexual actions

33. Have you ever anonymously sent/posted a picture or video of yourself in the nude? Did it include sexual actions?

no

34. Have you anonymously sent a sexual ask to someone on tumblr?

no

35. When was the last time you have had a wet dream?

it’s been a while. i think i had one a few weeks ago?? i forget

36. Which wet dream was your favorite?

honestly i don’t rlly have sexual dreams very often, and when i do they’re more frustrating than anything because i always wake up as soon as the actual sex starts 

37. Is there a friend you would willingly have sex with?

yes, idk if he’s entirely my friend, probably more of an aquaintance, but it’s someone i’ve had sex with before & would do again

38. Is there a celebrity/character you would willingly have sex with?

i wanna get spit roasted by mads mikkelsen and hugh dancy as hannibal and will

39. Have you ever masturbated with someone?

over facetime, and also kind of during sex?? like only for a minute

40. Have you ever took a shower with someone that is not a family member?

no, shower sex sounds scary i’d probably slip and die 

41. Favorite sexual position? If you are a virgin, which position interests you?

i fuck with a good missionary, no hate to that (like when you alter it with leg positions especially). i’m also a big fan of being on my side with the guy like kneeling upright

42. Do you like being called a slut or whore in bed?

SO MUCH. literally like one of my biggest kinks 

43. Are you into any BDSM?

i’ve never really done any, but i’m very open to it

44. Have you ever wanted to have sex with someone but knew you couldnt for any reason? Why?

yes kind of. it’s always been people i’ve had sex with before, and either it’s just not possible at the time bc of whatever reason, or they’re not interested anymore 

45. Turn on's?

dirty talk, degradation, anything to do with my neck, spanking, man anything if i’m into someone sexually everything they do will turn me on

46. Turn off's?

idk about specific things during sex, but if i don’t feel a sexual vibe connection with somenoe, i’ll never be attracted to them so it’ll just never happen

47. Have you ever had a sexual fantasy about someone? Was it about anyone other than your lover?

yes i’ve had sexual fantasies, mostly just reminiscing on past sexual encounters. i guess other times that i fantasize (in the present situation), there’s no specific person involved in the fantasy 

48. Have you ever had phone sex? Video sex? Chat box sex?

i used to have facetime sex when i was in a weird tumblr relationship

49. What was the weirdest thing that has ever turned you on?

i guess when i realized i was so into being called a slut, it was a little weird. i just never thought it would be my thing

50. Do you like dirty talk?

SO MUCH. 

51. Are you loud or quiet during sex? Masturbation?

i can be quiet if i have to be, but also can get loud if it’s allowed. usually i’m pretty quiet during masturbation, but every now and then i’ll make some sounds 

52. Have you ever been inturrepted during sex or masturbation? Who/what?

yes, a couple times with my ex. once, his roommate came home while we were in the middle of it, and we didn’t realize he was back til he pounded on the wall and told us to shut up. then twice, his mom interupted us. the first time, she definitely knew what was going on bc she wasn’t home when we started and we didn’t know she came back. the second time i don’t think she had any idea, she just called him out to look at something or something, and he had to very hastily try to pull himself together 

53. Most embarressing sex/masturbation story?

getting caught by my ex’s mom was pretty embarassing 

54. Most hilarious sex/masturbation story?

i guess maybe that’s kinda funny too? thankfully i have no funny or embarassing masturbation stories 

55. What kind of porn do you like to watch?

i’m a fan of the locally grown organic content on tumblr, usually people masturbating is my go to

56. First type of porn you have ever watched? (ie. lesbian, hentai, threesome)

i think it was a group of girls masturbating together

57. What was the most recent type of porn you have ever watched? What category was it under?

last time, i just scrolled through a porn blog on tumblr and looked at whatever came up

58. Most hilarious/stupidest porn you have ever watched?

that porno with the thing about the lemon tree that was a meme a few years ago

59. Have you ever fantasized over someone older than you? How much older? Younger? How much younger?

yes, technically. 2/3 guys i’ve been with are older than me (one only by a few months, the other by two or three years), and the other  is younger than me by a year and a half 

60. Favorite sex toy (if any)?

crystal dildos are life changing 

61. Have you ever had to break up with/divorce someone because you weren't satisfied with their sex?

no, but that’s a true fear right there 

62. Have you ever used anything/gotten any surgeries to improve sexual performance/feel?

no

63. If someone you knew asked for a nude image, would you do it? What about a tumblr follower?

if it was someone i was interested in, yes. if not, then no, likewise for a tumblr follower. 

64. Have you ever told someone any wet dreams/fantasies you've had about them?

yes, when i had sex dreams about my ex (while we were together), i told him about it

65. Do you like to have sex like they do in pornos?

i’m not sure?? does anyone have sex like in pornos?

66. Have you ever confessed to someone that you got an erection over them? What about masturbated to them?

i think i told my ex i masturbated to him (also while we were together, i’m not a weirdo)

67. Are you able to be secretive when you masturbate? (like able to be quiet so no one can hear?)

yes

68. When was the first time you achieved orgasm?

when i was 14 and realized where the clitoris is 

69. Is there only one way so far that you have been able to achieve orgasm? (ie. only by using toys, only from 1 positon,only from masturbating a certain way)

only by myself, so far i’ve not been able to orgasm with a partner. they’ve all put in a noble effort, but i think i’ve accidentally conditioned my body to only be able to cum by myself 

70. Favorite type of oral?

giving B)

71. Strangest sexual positon you've tried?

i don’t really think i’ve ever done anything that crazy as far as positions go

72. Have you ever made up a sexual postion?

no

73. Girls: During sex, vaginal or anal?

obviously vaginal is number 1, but i’ve done anal for a very brief amount of time before, and i’m open to exploring it more

74. Girls: During masturbation, clitorial, vaginal, or anal?

clitoral and vaginal (only vaginal if i have a toy)

75. Do you like to be dominant or submissive?

submissive

76. Have you ever masturbated to someone?

yes 

77. Have you ever masturbated because your sexual partner wasn't there when you needed them?

yes

78. Have you ever had a one night stand

technically?? it wasn’t supposed to be a one night stand in the technical sense, but we ended up only having sex once 

79. Have you ever had a friends with benefits? Are they still beneficial?

yes, i’ve had two. one of them was barely beneficial at all, one of them was a lot better, and maaaaybe still beneficial?? but i don’t really think he’s into it anymore

80. Have you ever had sex with someone who wasnt your partner?

in the cheating sense, no, but i’ve had sex with people i wasn’t dating (while i was single otherwise)

81. Has any of your partners had sex with someone else?

also in the cheating sense, no. all of them have had sex with people other than me though, i’ve never been someone’s first 

82. Have you ever gotten pregnant? Were they your lover's or someone else's?

no thank GOD 

83. Birth control or condoms?

birth control 

84. Do you ever masturbate to porn?

yes

85. Does anyone know you masturbate? Did you have to tell them?

yes, i think all my friends know just bc we talk about all sexual shit

86. Did your parents ever find out you were sexually active?

my mom knows i lost my virginity to my ex, but she has no idea i’m still technically active

87. Do you have any STDs?

no 

88. Have you ever masturbated to a fictonal character or celebrity?

no

89. Have you ever had sex during "7 minutes in heaven"?

no i’ve never done 7 minutes in heaven at all

90. Spit or swallow? Or do you not like oral?

swallooooooow

91. Have you ever been rejected for sex? Have you ever rejected someone else?

yes to both. i’ve been turned down by a former friend with benefits, and i’ve never been specifically propositioned for sex and turned them down, but i’ve turned down guys i know were interested in me

92. Do you have someone who said they are willing to take away your virginity if you havent lost it by a set age or if you just want to have a good time?

lmao i did before i lost it. i didn’t want to have sex with them, but they always said they’d be happy to take it for me by a certain age. i just wanna have a good time fam

93. Have you ever experiented with the opposite sex?

yes

94. When you first lost your virginity, was it intended or spontanious?

kind of both?? i’d been dating my bf at the time for a little over a month, and it was known we both wanted to have sex, and he knew i was a virgin so he wanted to wait til he was sure i’d be okay. we kind of vaguel talked about it happening this one weekend, but then the night i thought we would do it, we didn’t because it felt too weirdly planned out. we ended up spontaneously having sex two days later

95. Has anyone ever walked in when you were taking a shower with someone?

no

96. Did you ever tell someone once you lost your virginity?

yes i told so many people lmao. i think the first person i told was clayton, bc i always told him i’d text him immediately after. so like 40 minutes after i texted him like GUESS WHAT I JUST DID

97. Does your lover know if you have masturbated?

i assume they’ve all assumed 

98. Does your lover know that you want to have sex with them but can't?

i don’t really have a lover. i saw the last boy i had sex with on new year’s eve, and i would sleep with him again if he wanted, but i’m not sure if he realizes that/is interested 

99. Do you like masturbation?

of course

100. (Asker's ask) If i were to ask you if we could have sex, would you say yes?

well i asked myself so B))))))

[vixen-vangogh]

polyvore was being a pain in the ass no matter how many words i tried to censor so here’s the life update i meant to put in that set

- have been living in a somewhat stable housing environment for almost a year and four-ish months now which is WILD and a huge record break for me.

- kind of have a partner? we're def QPPs and have been nomadic vagabond companions since like 2015 and have been sleeping in the same bed, cuddling, making life plans together hardcore since then. when i try to explain our relationship to others i explain that we are like Bert and Ernie from sesame street. it's not romantic but it's definitely a very serious thing and there is nothing i could forsee that would face our future that would not be faced together as companions. i was kind of chatting with a buddy the other day who was asking abt stuff and i was mentioning how an aphobe asked, 'how is this different from a best friendship, why do you need to call it a queerplatonic relationship?' and my instinct was to be all, 'well idk i mean i think most best friends don't stick their tongues in each others mouths' but like that said, some best friends do that and its totally legit but the main difference is we call it this because it is more accurate to the intricacies of our relationship.

a best friendship implies different things and a QPR is what we have been calling ourselves for some time.

- have come across the term alterous attraction many many moons ago and have concluded that more or less, this has been the basis for all the experiences of 'attraction' i have thought i felt in other categories. turns out i just love being pro/miscuous and cuddly and affectionate with people and it doesn't necessarily have to have any of the other attractions present. it's just an expression of my alterous attraction. and idk it just seems to make way more sense. someone said it was a commonplace for pre-questioning lesbians to make up to themselves crushes on boys with calculations involved about why this person is attractive.

i think maybe i do experience other forms of attraction but they're seldom enough that it's more anecdotal. and i'm going to call them crushes anyway bc it doesn't matter what i say or do - people are going to be confused by me and who i am and i shouldn't have to sacrifice the nuances involved in who i am and how i live my life to try and get smaller minds to understand it.

and nobody has to understand either. i don't even understand. that's heckin ok bro

- i've been on them 'ro/ids (testosterone) on and off for three months in spring/summer 2016 (androderm) and then the injections for some amount of time this year and there's been a lot of body changes. but mainly i'm looking at nu/des of other people on hormones and realizing like... what if I'm actually inters/ex? it makes no sense for my di/ck to be bigger than people a year on hormones in half the time, does it? like what's up there? and my body is signif hairier in a way that is noticeable to me and my QPP.

last week when I got the inje/ctio/n the nurse (who is a really nice lady? like smiley very friendly maternal type) asked me "how did you know?" without other context or anything.

I didn't really know how to begin because honestly no one had ever asked me that before and it's the one question I needed somebody else to answer back when I was like, 15/recently 16 and needed help finding myself. I wished future me could visit past me and tell me like, "hey jsyk this is what you concluded, here's the answers, and here's all the stuff I've realized about our past experiences that were actually Signs that you're #genderqueer"

and I think, another thing, I wish I could have told the past me, that the laws were going to rapidly change in my lifetime, and also to avoid any cis person who suggests therapy "for hormone starts" because that's what led me to like, 2 years of rather unhelpful talk therapy that turned into lowkey conversion therapy.

No one should ever make you write a sob story about your past before they allow you the autonomy to make decisions about your body.

I gave a little backstory of timeline and told her how my mom kept saying things like, "why are you so offended at the idea of being a woman?" etc and how we don't speak anymore, how I came out in 2011 and every day for the longest time I had to explain to other trans people who the heck I was. how my nonbinaryness was seen more as a delusion despite the fact that I found the wikipedia pages and message boards and I knew there were other people like me out there. I didn't know of another #nonbinary person until 2013 and even then I only met them in passing at a panel they hosted. (we ended up roommates for a bit around 2016 but that's another story)

I stopped having to give #genderqueer 101s to the LGBT+ community around 2014.

And I feel like after that Laverne Cox paved a lot of way for us, and Facebook started putting other genders on there (which I'd signed petitions for years before and considered to be a hoop dream)

and there's been corrective r/a/pe I've gone through and so many tears I've cried and sui/cide attempted and hospital visits

and things are definitely still horrific and I can never afford groceries. I don't eat enough to sustain myself and live on welfare and am too medicated and disabled to work and have tachycardia and PTSD and other complications of my own forced resilience

but I'm on testosterone or whatever and I look at the changes that have gone on and I know that I was a part of that

but I'm never going to get credit for it and it pains me how much I'm suffering because I started advocating earlier than the majority of trans people out today.

if I had come out to my mom years later, would we be speaking?

it doesn't ultimately matter, because if we kept speaking I still would have ended up d/ead. coming out and having her react like that, topped with her steal/ing from me when I was homeless, years of sui/cide baiting, physical + emotional + etc a/buse my whole life, it's miraculous I ever made it out alive

it's so painful but I just have never had the privilege of choice.

- I've been thinking to go back to school maybe and that I need to actually go at it full force with passion because I think I have gotten way too down on myself for the results that have come from my own halfa/ssery of it all. And my own procrastination etc.

I wish I had access to medical care as a child or counselling or something more than I ever did have because maybe I would have excelled in school instead of suffered to try and keep my head above water. I mean, I graduated honours (equivalent).

there's too much about my life to be angsty about.

- also idk if i mentioned this but i got ar/rested for protecting indigenous folks at a thing and it was in the news and im not going to talk much more on it bc of privacy but i'm happy to dig up the video of the pol/ice dragging me away and the crowd shouting (and gendering me right ;u;) "LET THEM GO, LET THEM GO" and i was a pathetic mess thru the whole thing and just had the wrong emotions the whole time and like 3+ reporters tried to get a hold of me for interview but I forwarded them to the indigenous leaders of the ceremony instead

we prayed inside the arre/st tent and put down tobacc/o and held ceremony and the c/ops were horrible and took so much personal offence to everything we were and every reality that happened that they wanted to deny. they banned us from the public land we were arrested on and it was horrible.

it was in the news and justin tr*deau showed up for a photo op and the organizers weren't allowed in their own tipi. he wasn't invited.

those with the land claim to the area made an official statement welcoming us and condemning the go/vernme/nt for arrestin/g us.

nothing was ever done about that bit other than them releasing us and i went to the hospital the next day to get my wrist checked because i couldn't really use it and the handcuf/f bruises and the bruise on my knee was massive. it's been two months and it's only now faded.

twitter blocked the image of us in the a/rrest tent holding hands in prayer with the hand/cuffs on our wrists. they said it contained "sensitive content"

tumblr did the same, calling it "NSFW" (weird bc literally photographs of my actual na/ked body with links to where u can buy videos of me jerkin is not labelled NS/FW automatically lol?????)

i asked tumblr to review that and they still labelled it as such.

it's just so blatantly a genuine broach of free speech and freedom of religion. it was a crimi/nalized religious ceremony and i got between the co/ps and a woman praying.

- i saw Against Me! in march and the mosh pit was extreme and I fell down at some point and like seven people pulled me up and that and the getting arre/sted thing has really hecked up my knees ! i feel like they're mostly healed since but i've not even been kneeling on my mattress for even a second to make sure of this. otherwise it's just been sudden pain for months but as i said, i think they're a lot better now.

- i came forward abt a pr/edatory ex and a few others of their victims came to me to say that they had gone through the same and that they were even more pre/datory than had been with me. i lost quite a lot of friends in the matter bc what i accused them of was extremely serious and came across as vicious on my part.

i'm going to take it as alright though, because i know that i've put what i said out there, and if they have read it at all, they can at least have these ideas in their mind going forward and take precautions. this ex was confronted publically and directly on social media about it and there were several witnesses and screenshots i had to things they did and said. i'm hoping that serves as some kind of warning for them, about their actions that they have confessed to with several people, and how these things will come back for them. that they cannot evade accountability, that i am a force of nature and if you wrong me or do a wrong in my witness with no remorse on your part or apology, i'm not going to let you live it down.

i care and i am tired of hearing horrible stories about them from others. others who came to me saying that i had been painted as an abus/er. because i know ! people see me standing up for myself as threatening all the time. they worry they aren't allowed to make mistakes around me.

no matter how many times i say it or prove it, there's always those people who are too cowardly to admit when they do make mistakes and who go to great lengths to protect their pride and entitlement.

i know we are all growing. i seek environments of mutual support and growth. i am now in a phase of life where i am not giving the time to people who have no interest in these environments. anyone can be my friend, if they are ready for it. but i don't owe it to anybody and anything wrong i have done i am at a point where i feel like i am in touch with my own humility.

and if someone tries to milk it because they think my vulnerability isn't also strength and something that comes with at least some ferocity... well, that's not my problem.

- my rabbit Snicklefritz is doing fine. he's shedding like the dickens this season and mischievous as usual but hopefully one day I can afford to make him an enclosure again and I can let him out only when I can keep track of him.

he's ruined a lot of sketchbooks and a lapdesk my QPP got me for the winter holidays that we are both heartbroken about.

- I am trying to become less attached to material belongings and it has helped me a lot when it comes to coping with all the sentimental items left with my mother or in the various times I've been homeless or left exes etc over the years.

My memories are in my heart and not something that needs to be placed externally, in an item.

Have also trying to go zero waste (like, becoming someone who produces no garbage, just recycling and compost) and it's really been noticeable all these small differences. I buy way more bananas, lettuce, etc. And I've been making bread and spaghetti and whatnot and having windowsill gardens.

- I'm not cured of anything or whatever and I'm angsty 24/7 and broke as heckaroo but there's enough of The Little Things In Life (gardening, youtube videos, kisses, etc) to help me get by in the meantime.

- three days ago a friend (who I consider(ed) chosen family) I had purposefully cut out of my life a year ago showed up on my doorstep to tell me I was right about everything and to apologize for all the wrongs. That they reread conversations we had around then and that they have grown and grown into a better place. They were 18 then and 19 now. We were from the same hometown and they're still there but moving to my city in December. I missed them so much and they stayed with me a few days. I feel a bigger sense of home in this city knowing they're going to live here soon too.

- I've been Really Intensely looking thru my DNA and geneology stuff since last winter. For some reason Indian (like, South Asia) shows up in my DNA and some southern Europe/Northern Africa/Middle East kind of region. My father was adopted via a stepdad and I figure this comes from his bio dad. Or maybe it doesn't, I don't really know. My maternal haplotype is supposed to be one that's generally found in African populations which throws that whole theory. My mom and me also had to use hair picks (afro picks) when I was growing up because our hair was so naturally thick and the waves really tangled up. Every time we went to get my hair cut in that white rural town the hairdressers would comment how they'd never seen such thick hair before etc. I'm still struggling greatly to find answers because everybody's last name is phoenetically weird except for my dad's mom's line which has an extremely Cornwall last name and anyone with that name is definitely part of that family.

Doing research to find what I was told growing up (that I was Kanien'keha:ka via my maternal grandmother's grandmother) has been very difficult because I'm not sure which grandmother of hers it was, and one of them seemed to remarry several times and I cannot be sure of any of the surnames being a maiden name. It's also really hard to know what the spelling was supposed to be because it was written phoenetically. But I think that one's likely English anyway. The other one I haven't reached yet but my grandmother's father's father seemed to be from a Metis community outside a reserve where I remember being told we had ancestors. It seems we're descendants of some really famous anglo Metis folk. I've not figured out the specific links to lock the names all into place properly in my family tree but it's the surname and the small community that are an exact match and on the message boards.

It's a lot to think about. I've been struggling with my racial identity for a long time and regardless of nuances and ethnic identity I feel like I'm just doing this research to seem special or more interesting or to branch out my activism. DNA is not ever going to tell me who my ancestors were, just the locations a small handful of random specific ancestors lived. Family trees are going to help, but they're not going to help me too much as someone who doesn't actually have blood family I'm in contact with really.

I might see if I can get in touch with an older cousin I have on Pinterest because she seemed to be the only one (besides my younger cousin) who really ever sent me vaguely kind gestures after I came out. She was the only one who seemed to be supportive when I did my grandma's eulogy. (Aside from my sibling who went up with me. But I don't speak to my sibling for other reasons.)

I have a paternal cousin as well but we're more half-cousins as my dad's mom had a few different men in her life and I don't actually know if he does have full bio-siblings. I don't really know if it's worth it to reach out to her because with all the technicalities and separations and adoptions and half-relatives I don't know whether I can ask her to ask around, or if I can just ask her, or what.

Anyway whatever it's just easiest to explain my ethnicity as being Metis because talking with others and stuff it seems like maybe this is the best way to label myself, to explain my complicated history and acknowledge that my blood ties are not what makes me me, but rather my ethnic ties. I have traditions and beliefs and ancestors I'm reconnecting with and trying to find.

Not all my ancestors were great people. But it is interesting as heck to learn about them. (Especially seeing pictures and some of the weirder resemblances from like, 5th great grandparents.)

Also one of my greats of grandparents crossed the US-Canada border several times in his life and near the end of them the border agent wrote "seems odd" on the thing and I haven't found any explanation for why he was crossing the border either lol which is pretty dang interesting imo.

- anyway idk I think I'm good ?? have been getting a lot of new interests and hobbies lately which feels good, feels right

i'm getting muscles because of them hormones and probably eating healthier or whatever and drinking more water and just livin life as best i can

could use some more dollars however but what can u do when welfare doesn't go up to match minimum costs of living haha :)

[computationalcalculator]

for the valentines ask: a l l

twin u lil’ shit…..fine :P

also before we get started, at least a few of the questions’ answers are gonna involve my first ex, which automatically makes them a Very Long Fuckin Story, that i 100% Do Not Have The Spoons For so for any of those i’m just gonna put a short answer and a ***. that in mind, here we go.

1: Do you have a crush at the moment?

yeah, you, u fuckin nerd

2: Have you ever been deeply in love?

Yep! Literally right now!

3: Longest relationship you’ve ever been in?

3 wasted years***

4: Have you ever changed for someone?

yeah*** :/

5: How is your relationship with your ex?

My last ex and i are still pretty good friends (i think) (that anxiety feel when u think all ur friends hate u). The other one…….. ech***

6: Have you ever been cheated on?

…………….moving on***

7: Have you ever cheated?

fuck no, that’s a horrible thing to do to someone

8: Would you date someone who’s well known for cheating?

I suppose that depends on if it’s like, they cheated on someone I was good friends with and heard it from that person directly, or if it’s more like middle school gossip bullshit. First one probably not, second one probably.

9: What’s the most important part of a relationship?

COMMUNICATE!!!!!!!!! YOU FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

I am entirely too soft hearted to not be Hella Committed to ppl i’m dating

11: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on “breaks”?

In principle? Sure. But I feel like a lot of the time people talk about going on “breaks”, they really mean “it’s over but we’re not gonna SAY it’s over because Reasons” which is sorta like having “It’s Complicated” as a facebook status***

12: How many people have you ever hooked up with?

Like 0. See #10

13: What’s one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship?

does being in the relationship at all count***

14: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex?

I’m over 18, which means I don’t get an opinion on that

15: Do you believe in the phrase “age is just a number”?

Depends, do you mean in the “you’re never too old to take up a new discipline or interest” way or the “highkey pedophile” way? Actually, phrasing it like that kinda shows you my opinion, so I’m gonna just move on

16: Do you believe in “love at first sight”?

what is this straight people bullshit

17: Do you believe it’s possible to fall in love on the internet?

Maybe not over just text chat (for me at least), but it’s 20-gotdamng-17. We have voice and video and all that shit. It worked for me, at any rate

18: What do you consider a deal breaker?

If the other person is abusive or manipulative and just being around them feels unhealthy, get the fuck out.

19: How do you know it’s time to end a relationship?

See above tbh

20: Are you currently in a relationship?

anyway @twin-ace​ is a fucking nerd

21: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends?

Assuming it didn’t end in too much fire and brimstone, absolutely! Yknow, if the person didn’t do anything Particularly Awful™ that prompted the breakup

22: Do you think people should date their friends?

I feel like being friends is the most important part of a relationship, so if you date someone you’re already friends with, that’s a big chunk of that awkward process out of the way early. That being said, if the person you want to date doesn’t want to date you, don’t be That Person, you feel me?

23: How many relationships have you had?

3

24: Do you think love can last forever?

Thought so***. Color me skeptical but optimistic.

25: Do you believe love can conquer all things?

anyway john lennon was an abusive dickwad. moving on

26: Would you break up with someone your parents didn’t approve of?

like in a “this person seems to be having a negative affect on your mental health” didn’t approve or like a “no son of mine’ll be datin’ no (slur)s” didn’t approve. bc like, i’d consider the first one (not automatic tho) but the second one goes in the bottomless complaint box over a garbage can.

27: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be?

Get the fuck out*** uhhhhh probably read up on signs of emotional abuse

28: Do you think long distance relationships can work?

god i hope so

29: What do you notice first about another person?

their hair 95% of the time. i’m all about that floof

30: Are you straight, bi, gay or pansexual?

I’m ace my guy

31: Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness?

tbh if some people describe their mental state as a “cocktail” of mental shit, my brain is more like a Home Depot™ bucket of jungle juice

32: Have you ever been in an abusive relationship?

…………………….anyway***

33: Do you want to get married one day?

I mean, it’d be nice, but like. Mostly I just wanna live w/ bae and like wake up together and make breakfast together and do all sorts of other sappy gay shit, and you don’t need to be married for that.

34: What do you think about getting your partner’s name tattooed?

Not until they invent a Ctrl-Z for tattoos that doesn’t hurt worse than falling into a tree chipper

35: Could you be in a relationship without sex?

I’m ace my guy

36: Are you still a virgin?

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

37: What’s more important: Looks or personality?

throwback to the person i was highkey crushing on last year who turned out to be a trump supporter. needless to say, that ended up 100 Not Happening™

38: Do you enjoy love films?

… anyway i want death

39: Have you ever given anyone/received roses?

Do paper ones count? bc if so, yes.

40: Have you ever had a valentine?

41: What’s your imagination of a “perfect date”?

lets get sushi and fall asleep on the couch for five hours tbh

42: Have you ever read “Romeo & Juliet”?

Yeah, in 9th grade. We actually had a teacher who went out of her way to point out all the dick jokes. It was amazing. Sure tf ain’t a love story tho

43: What’s more important: Your partner or your friends?

If either tried to make me choose between them, I’d probably go with the one not forcing me to make a choice. That being said, the whole squad is chill as fuck, so that’s not a problem

44: Would you consider yourself “romantic”?

i’m such a fucking sap, squirrels in canada pull my ass out of maple trees

45: Could you imagine to date one of your current friends?

i mean highkey thats kinda what happened, so

46: Have you ever been “friendzoned”?

I mean, I’ve had unrequited love before, but I wasn’t a 50 ton steaming douchetrain about it, so I’m going with “no”

47: Which “famous couple” is your favorite?

I’m gonna be real honest here, I truly don’t get the Obsession™with relationships of people you straight up Do Not Know like they’re characters in a fuckin shoujo anime

48: What’s your favorite love song?

either Metropolis or Thunderstruck, both by Owl City.

49: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

I don’t think so? Probably not, anyway

50: If you’re single, why do you think you are?

51: Would you rather date someone who’s rich but a douchebag or someone who’s poor but a nice guy?

assuming you mean a nice guy and not a Nice Guy™I’ll go with the second option

52: Are you good at giving other people advices regarding dating/ relationships?

I’m not sure. for one thing, I don’t really give advice so much as just help people talk out what they’re lowkey already thinking. Also, so far I’ve only really had one person ask me long-term (more than a quick question) for relationship advice. over the course of a year and a half, in no particular order, he:

broke up with, and got back together with, the same person more times than I could remember

slept with basically anyone he could during the “off again” periods

punched out the guy she was cheating on him with during the “on again” periods, who was also her drug dealer

hit a (cement or brick, i don’t remember) wall hard enough to put a hole in it

get drunk and make important life decisions while drunk often enough to count as “regularly”

didn’t listen to a single fucking word of my advice during any of this or the year before all of it

needless to say, we aren’t friends anymore

......... let’s just chalk up the original question to a “maybe” and move on

53: Are you jealous of couples when you’re single?

Singles Awareness Day is annoying, pass it on

54: How important is it to make a relationship official (p.e. on Facebook)?

5 years ago, it was important enough to me that I made a Facebook specifically for that purpose. By the time that relationship ended, I didn’t even care enough about Facebook even existing to change it. come to think of it, the same status is probably still there.

55: Would you consider yourself “clingy”, “overly attached” or “jealous”?

i’m 100% a clingy binch and so is bae, which is like, the best combination

56: Have you ever “destroyed” a relationship?

like, by existing, or what?*** but nah, never intentionally

57: Do you think it’s silly to consider suicide because of a broken heart?

... see on one hand i wanna say something trite like “suicide is never silly” but then i remember this morning i missed a 10 point homework assignment and thought about emailing my teacher “hey when i get to class can u literally murder me please, thanks in advance” for like 15 minutes

58: Are you the “dominant” or the “submissive” part in a relationship?

59: Have you ever forgotten important dates like your partner’s birthday or your anniversary?

I mean, I’ve forgotten other stuff, but nothing like that.

60: What’s your opinion on open relationships?

not my jam, but I get why people do it. I’m fine with people doing it as long as everyone involved knows and approves.

COMMUNICATION!!!!!

61: Who’s more important: Your partner or your family?

family is a pretty broad category tbh. like, i don’t know most of my extended family, and i haven’t talked to my dad in literally a couple years, but I love my mom and grandparents.

62: How do you define “cheating”?

If you know you’re gonna have to either lie or apologize to your partner about it, and then you do it anyway, you can go fuck yourself

63: Is watching porn while being in a relationship inappropriate?

I personally don’t have an issue with it, but I’d talk it out with your partner.

COMMUNICATE!!!!!

64: Do you think Valentine’s Day is overrated?

Happy Capitalism Day™ Everybody

65: Would you consider yourself a “cuddler”?

I’ll cuddle with literally any person i know who is willing to cuddle my cuddly ass. what kinda fuckin question…….