#i had to learn this shit the hard way (and somehow survived while i did)

[mixingpumpkins]

Just applied to USPS because no one will fucking hire me with no professional experience despite graduating summa cum laude a year ago and I might actually kill myself within a year so weehee that’s fun go capitalism fuck everything what’s the point

I wish you knew how much this sounds like me when I got out of grad school [redacted] years ago, because… it does. The summa cum laude, the no one will hire with no experience, the thinking of killing myself because what’s the fucking point when everything sucks so bad. So I’m going to tell you what I really wish someone had told me then. (I’m sorry if this is long.)

You’re right; stuff really sucks right now. Our system sucks. The job market is a complete joke. The whole post-graduation time period when you’re trying to break into the professional world fucking blows, especially if you’ve got people in your life putting extra pressure on you. But please reconsider killing yourself and consider speaking to someone who’s able to offer you more help managing those thoughts than I can. You won’t feel like this forever, I promise, and we need you here.

I’m wishing you the best of luck with the USPS application. It may not be what you wanted or expected with your stellar academic record, but it’s nothing to be ashamed of and a good position, especially for your first experience out of school. It’s an income > $0, probably some benefits since it’s a government job, and, importantly, will give you professional experience. You’ll meet people, you’ll learn some new skills, and you’ll have a job — which is always attractive to other employers as you continue your search for whatever jobs you’re trying for. (I’m actually considering applying to USPS myself, since I got laid off last month. Seriously. It’s not a bad option.)

Your first job out of school in no way sets your career path in stone. I know it can be really fucking hard, especially as a high achiever, to see your peers getting jobs and internships and whatever opportunities when you did everything right and can’t seem to find anything. It sucks. It doubly sucks when you’re feeling pressure to start your career on the right foot, or not “fall behind,” or enjoy your life while you’re young, or not “waste” your education and potential on a job you could’ve gotten without a degree.

All of that is bullshit.

It’s okay to take whatever job you can get — retail or USPS or washing dishes or whatever — especially when you don’t have any prior experience. If it’s not what you want, keep looking for something that suits you better while you work. You’re not a failure if you don’t get a job in your field for your first one out of school. Most people don’t. Some people don’t, ever. That’s fine too.

Is taking literally anything right now going to put you “behind”? No. You can’t fall behind; timelines are garbage. Kill the idea that you are stuck or behind or will never get where you want to be because you don’t see a way of that happening from where you are right now.

Stuff changes fast — maybe not the trash fire that is capitalism itself, but the stuff closer to you. The opportunities around you. Your priorities. Your career plans and options. These shifts make so much of a difference, and it’s hard to see just how fast they can happen when you’re in that shitty space of trying to get your first professional experience out of school. You will get something, and you will start seeing these shifts happen.

Plus… especially now, people switch jobs and entire careers all the time. They get burned out. Their interests change. A random opportunity leads them somewhere they never saw coming. The industry / economy / technology changes, and they’re out of a job and need a new one. (<- That last one is the story of my fucking life, tbh.)

Maybe the classmate who got that dream job/internship right out of school discovered that it actually sucks and they need to do something else. Or somebody’s side hustle pays better than their job and suddenly they’re occupied full-time with something they never studied in school. The kid who got a “head start” on a good career with a well-paying job is laid off and begging for a retail position two years later. Someone’s dad I know who got a degree in finance ended up working as a landscaper for decades instead, then went back to school at 57 and became a nurse.

It is literally impossible to tell where your life will take you from where you’re standing right now. Hell, at this point, I’d say it’s pretty stupid for anyone to assume they know what their life and career will look like in two years. But the point is to give yourself the grace and the time to figure it out.

It may take you 5 years to be somewhere that feels better. It may take you 40. Careers in this day and age are a fucking roller coaster and anyone who says otherwise is kidding themselves (and possibly had daddy paving the way for them).

Stay curious about what’s next and spite the fuckers who want you to do otherwise. What could your first job lead to? Idk, let’s find out. What could this detour or layoff lead to? Idk, let’s find out. Who cares if it’s not what you thought it would be? Maybe it could lead to something better. Let’s keep at it and find out.

You’re smart — enough to graduate summa cum laude. No professional crisis or difficulty navigating this shit job market and obscene cost of living nonsense can take that away from you. Tell anyone who tries to make you feel otherwise (including that critical voice in your head) to go fuck themselves.

I really hope you get the USPS job, or something better. Come tell me when you do. And yeah, fuck this unbridled capitalism shit — so let’s give it all the hell that we can in the meantime. 

[steviewashere]

Thinking about a fic idea right now where Steve comes out (maybe with a little Steddie...maybe; might be best to start them pre-relationship in this). Walk with me here.

Steve Harrington who has always been a huge Wham! fan. And then eventually a huge George Michael fan. He's got all their albums. Collects magazines with interviews in them (y'know, if there's a U.S. release). So, he's pretty much up to date with all news, music info; that kind of thing. He's always on the money about when interviews are.

George Michael who comes out publicly in 1998 after his arrest. Which, you can watch the clip from the interview here. He's thirty-four at the time, had been private about his sexuality and romantic life up until then.

Steve who's freshly in his thirties.

He's thirty-one. He's had some thoughts in regards to his sexuality for years now. Since Robin came out to him in 1985, he's thought about little things. The way certain guys walked that caught his attention, maybe the plushness of their lips, how they styled their hair. She's introduced him to queer culture at the time—pride parades & protests, some lingo, the handkerchief code, etc. So, he's well aware of a lot of things before the CNN interview airs. He hasn't made any hard connections between his sexuality and the thoughts in his head; maybe he's had a few, soft, questioning moments like: Am I gay? Am I bisexual? Is this what I really think or am I searching for something I don't actually want? Am I just being too observant?

(Okay, thinking about pre-Steddie now. And a lot of platonic soulmates Stobin. Also, I totally (accidentally) half-wrote a fic. Stay with me here.)

Eddie's been a part of Steve's life since 1986. Somehow he survives (don't ask me the fine details, I don't know). And Steve tries his hand at being Eddie's friend because he kind of—no, really—wants a guy friend who's around his age. Cue their shenanigans: the chaos they cause together, the pranks they pull on their other friends, the shit Eddie makes Steve get into (drag racing (cars), stealing scrap from the junkyard, throwing rocks over the quarry to guess the impact they made, other little town shit). Eddie who learns that Steve's a true ally to Robin, so he comes out to Steve, too. They all form a very great, deep bond of solidarity. Become roommates outside of Hawkins, somewhere a little more progressive. They protect each other. Listen to each other.

Cue the day in 1998 when the CNN interview is being aired live, unseen up until then. Steve's already ready to watch, having taken up the middle cushion on the couch. Robin's on his left, criss-cross and making a set of beaded bracelets for the three of them. Eddie's on Steve's right, uncapping a couple bottles of beer to pass over. And they're watching with Steve because Steve likes George Michael and, well, they like Steve and his interests. So they're all there when George Michael comes out. They're all there when the words are said live.

Robin and Eddie are wide-eyed, then laughing something a bit triumphant, high-fiving over Steve's head, maybe chanting something: "One of us! One of us!" Maybe becoming huge George Michael fans as they speak. But, Steve's silent. He's sitting on the edge of his cushion, palms down on his thighs, staring off into nothing. All the celebration stops as the interview continues, words being missed. And Robin and Eddie share an odd glance, a questioning one. Until, finally, Robin asks, "Steve-O? You OD over there?"

Steve blinks back into existence. Mutters, "Did George Michael just come out on live TV?" Eddie answers him truthfully, voice a bit soft and concerned. Steve licks his lips, doesn't move his eyes from his socked feet. "...He knew for a little while," he comments. "Right? He knew for a while."

"Sure, Steve," Eddie answers again. "He probably knew about himself for a long time. Probably...Honestly, probably while he was still in Wham."

Maybe Steve nods at that. Maybe he just stays kind of stoic, thinking too hard. "He's thirty-four," Steve points out.

"That he is," Robin answers this time. "Thirty-four and proudly out."

Steve hums some sort of acknowledgement and then goes back to watching the TV, moment drifting away. He sort of watches in a daze. Up until he turns in for the night. Well after Robin has slumped over on the couch and Eddie's gone to bed earlier—because he has work, or so Eddie's said. And Steve maybe sits in his bedroom, up at his headboard, looking down at his albums. At his Wham! and George Michael albums. Turning the tapes over in his hands, reading the track lists, maybe tracing the edges of the cases with his thumbs. Thinking about how George had said he was telling his life story, even through some of his earlier solo work. He's thinking about how successful George Michael has been. And then he thinks about how George Michael came out later in his life. In his thirties, not in his twenties, not in his teens. Sure, yes, it was definitely more negatively criticized to do so, but it means something to Steve. To be thirty-four and freshly out. And he thinks, too, about being thirty-one and things clicking into shiny clarity—he's into guys, too. He's into women, but he's into guys. That word, "bisexual" looking like the final jigsaw piece. To be thirty-one and proudly out, too.

And he's comforted in that thought, as he drifts off to sleep.

And when he wakes up in the morning, he bustles around Eddie and Robin in the kitchen. They make a shared breakfast of scrambled eggs and sausage and toast with jam. They sit at the dining table, forks against plates, shooting the shit back and forth.

Steve cuts a slice of sausage, puts it in his mouth, eats as usual. And just as the conversation is beginning to drift again, he finally speaks what's on his mind. "I'm bisexual," he's able to proudly state.

Maybe Eddie and Robin cheer, too for that. They ask him for his taste in guys. Maybe they tease him a little. Maybe Eddie realizes he fits the bill a little; maybe he waits a little bit before taking a shot, but he still does eventually.

And right before they head off for their respective, regular lives outside of the comfortable space of their apartment, Robin knocks their shoulders together. "Proud of you," she states. "Thirty-one and proudly out. How does it feel?"

They're in the kitchen, washing and drying the dishes because Eddie left for work already with a promise to bring home pizza for dinner. They're in the kitchen, the lights a little fluorescent like the Starcourt bathroom. They're in the kitchen, in each other's orbits, two friends who've seen it all and will continue to see the world together.

"It feels...I feel good. Excited."

Robin smiles at him, something soft and understanding. And as his focus goes back to the plate he's about to hand off, she snorts. "So, Eddie, huh?" And he scoffs, rolling his eyes. She just laughs to herself. Then, when she's calmed a little bit, she states, "He kind of looks like Rowlf. You and I have a thing for Muppets, Stevie. Muppets."

And after their laughter dies down and they live out the rest of the day, Steve thinks about how he can send a letter of thanks to George Michael. And maybe he cherishes those albums a little closer. And he is confident in himself for the first time in a while, all because the representation he didn't know he was seeking, is finally right in his face.

Sorry that got long. But I'm just thinking about Steve who comes out later in his life. Maybe he couldn't make those connections because he didn't have the safe atmosphere to do so; feared the worst if his parents ever realized he didn't care too much about women sometimes, if his eyes drifted to men a little too much, fearing that they'd catch his contemplation. Maybe he found his safe space through Robin and Eddie, but needed a little more of a push and he just didn't find it yet. Up until now.

[trollprincess]

So I was watching a TT where someone was pointing out the flaws in “Lilia’s sigil caused all the Multiverse of Madness trouble!” which he argued kept it from being worse. And I agree wholeheartedly, because good God …

1. If Wanda senses almost immediately that Billy’s out there, she’d go get him. So what happens to the Kaplans? Best case scenario, they find out their only child is dead and occupied by Billy’s soul, and he’s taken from them by Wanda. Worst case scenario? They’re not surviving that encounter.

2. Billy has gotten to spend the last three years in a perfectly normal family - going to school, growing up, meeting a nice boy. It’s hard to honestly believe that he would have gotten that if Wanda snatched him up as soon as he switched bodies and took him off to look for Tommy.

3. So let’s say she gets him back, restores his memories, helps him with his powers … and it’s still not enough. Wanda was NOT in a good place mentally, and I’m not sure actually FINDING the boys (because I’m pretty sure she would have located Tommy soon enough) would have been enough. They’re not in the right bodies, they might still somehow end up with memories of their lives as Billy Kaplan and [redacted in case of spoilers], and it might not be *enough* for her. And it might end up hurting the boys.

4. Wanda did a lot of messed-up shit in Westview alone, even before the events of Multiverse. Billy learned about it from the outside from Ralph and Agatha, and what happened to them. And while I love Wanda, what she did in Westview was wrong. And I’m not sure if that would have filtered to the boys through the lens of Wanda retelling it to them later on. I think both of them need to know it BEFORE they ever meet Wanda (provided she ever comes back). I firmly believe this season’s going to end with either a Tommy cameo or Billy meeting up with him, but I don’t believe Wanda will come back (just yet, anyway). And those boys need each other, and the outsider perspective of what she did, before she gets in touch with them. I’m sure they’ll meet Vision first in his series, which … good.

5. Honestly, Wanda needed therapy and antidepressants, not her kids back, and especially not under those conditions. Or with the Darkhold around. Imagine if Billy’s growing up with that thing in the house.

6. Lilia sees the future, and if she sees William/Billy’s possible future without the sigil and with Wanda able to find him and she still puts the sigil on him? What she must have seen was far worse than what happened.

7. Even if it was solely to protect William/Billy and damn all the other people Wanda would hurt, I don’t blame Lilia for putting the sigil on. William was thirteen, and Billy was even younger. Considering the way Wanda was acting at the time she slipped the sigil into William’s jacket, I’d want to protect him too.

I don’t know, it’s just the more I think about, Lilia had to have very good reasons for the sigil if the other *better* option was to let Wanda trample all over the Multiverse.

[2manyflannels]

Octopath Traveler Characters Ranked by How Good they are at Cooking

(Objective list up for no debate I am not wrong)

/j

(From best to worse)

————————————-

-H’aanit

This is actually in the game. She’s good at cooking, or at least baking, but I feel as though it’s fair to say that it extends to cooking as well. It also makes sense. Let’s be honest, Z’aanta can’t cook for shit. I think H’aanit would rush to learn so she can provide for them just so she didn’t have to eat his cooking. Also hunts can last a long time and she probably had to do a lot of campfire/over flame cooking prior to her journey to begin with. I think she’s also the most passionate about it as I can see it being a hobby of hers. (Also she hunts for her own meat! It’s hard to see this being up for debate)

-Olberic

This one might be more controversial this high up, but I believe he just has the most experience. I think he cooked a lot for the fellow soldiers during the war and he also lived alone in Cobblestone for along while, I think he’d pick up a lot of cooking skills a long the way. Also, he just kind of gives off the vibe of a dad who loves to grill. I think he isn’t as good at baking as H’aanit which is why he’s placed below her, but he can make an incredible fucking stew.

-Alfyn

I think this has the same reasoning as how chemistry and cooking go hand in hand, if you substitute apothecary/alchemy instead of chemistry. I think it also makes sense that the group doctor has a good grasp on cooking. Besides job based reasoning he seems like the type of person to help his mom out with cooking dinner ( I think also his mom taught him well and he loves making her recipes 🤧) I think especially after she died he really stepped up to help cook for Zeph and Nina (because they don’t have parents either, or at least I think I do)

(This is where there is a big gap between number 3 and 4, and a close race for 4-6. I think you could rearrange these next one as I feel they’re all around the same level)

-Tressa

This is kind of similar to Alfyn where I feel like it’s something she did with her family before she leaves on her journey. It just seems like the sort of thing they’d do together. I also think she’d be the best gatherer of ingredients, and I think she has a knack for creating her own recipes on her own merit. (I also think she improves a lot under H’aanit and Olberic’s guidance when it comes to cooking over the campfire)

Therion-

This is based on the fact that he’s had got to eat somehow, and as skinny as he is I don’t think he just eats stolen apples. I think he can cook with the bare minimum needed to survive. Like the real-world equivalent of knowing to put water in the easy-mac cup. Not extensive, but he knows the basics and can help out the group. (Also while not as skilled with picking out the best options I think he also is quite good at gathering ingredients)

Ophilia-

Like Therion I feel like she knows the basics, but she didn’t have much need to learn how to cook back in Flamegrace as that was more of the other clerics in the church territory. I do however think she improves the most during her journey, as she seems the type to be a quick learner when she’s focused on improving a skills.

Primrose

She lived in a mansion with servants for the first years of her life who would cook for her, and then I don’t think it would come up after Geoffrey died. I think she was busy doing other things, and unlike her bestie Therion I think there was just no free time for her to learn. (As shitty as Helgenish was I do think he fed them, though no trust in how much or nutritious it was). She does learn a bit and (unlike our last place) is able to help out with the cooking, she just is inexperienced and doesn’t have a knack for it.

-Cyrus

Are we surprised? No! This man is a disaster. He’s the definition of high intelligence low wis. I think he put all his energy into his studies that when it comes to life skills like cooking he just ignored completely and is shitty. Age≠experience in his case and he just keeps on making messes of things. I think it’s a Spencer Shay deal where if he simply touches a dish while cooking it’ll become inedible. He has been banned from being near the cooking pot, and settles for just making the fire before being shooed away.

[bonebreakjack]

Spreading QuanShi brainrot 😊

Straight forward canon Quan Yizhen remeeting Shi Qingxuan through Xie Lian or he happens by him while he's in the human capital and sees the former Wind master as a beggar

Maybe he stops someone messing with him by accident and beats them up for some other slight but recognizes Shi Qingxuan as the one being messed with and hadn't seen that man since he pulled a runner from heaven with Xie Lian and Ming Yi

They recconect and Shi Qingxuan is happy to see someone he knew sort of because sometimes it hard pretending he wasn't a former god

Quan Yizhen is same as he always is but Shi Qingxuan def notices the man is more depressed and less lively

Shi Qingxuan being asked what happened after he was taken and he doesn't elaborate much on He Xuan but somehow he escaped the calamity ended up here

He wasn't able to ask for help to get his brothers head back and had tried to survive ended up injuring his arm and leg

Shi Qingxuan gets quiet and says softly that he misses his gege

He would listen patiently when sqx confides in him about missing Shi Wudu and how the other gods muat view his brother terribly after it all came to light 🥺

And while he knows what he did was was he still loves his brother and that the man did it to protect him like he always had

Shi Wudu always made the hard choices so Shi Qingxuan didn't have to, even at the very end

Quan Yizhen would def listen to him and never judge him either

Shi Wudu's reputation was in hell once it was revealed that he switched his didi's and He Xuan's fates and considering the funeral there was probs no warm feelings left from many

He would have experienced something similar when Yin Yu first fell, even if the severity is different

Its hard watching people you care about be treated so differently afterwards so there would be a solidarity there about still caring for those people when many dont

This works in reverse too, I don't think Quan Yizhen talks alot about his Shixiong anymore so getting to talk about him with someone who won't make fun of Yin Yu would probs feel so freeing 🥺

Them finding solidarity in the people they lost even if Quan Yizhen is still trying to find a way to bring his Shixiong back

Shi Qingxuan hopes to one day follow his brother not soon because that would throw away everything his brother had done and sacrificed for. He lives with the guilt knowing he's alive because others died. But also cannot die because the efforts would have been waste.

So instead he decides to live a long human life

Quan Yizhen sticking around especially after reviving his Shixiong, Considering there was no mention of him being with Yin Yu at the end I can't help but think Yin Yu had cut ties with him permanently finally finding closure not realizing he made it so Quan Yizhen would be unable to find his own from their situation. So he sticks with someone who would understand even as he still tries to reach out to Yin Yu

He becomes a kind of deterent to anyone's who wants to cause the former Wind master harm even if he doesn't intend it just wanting to stick by his new friend

Shi Qingxuan learning to fight from Quan Yizhen and Xie Lian because without that spiritual power backing his muscles he's just a tad pathetic otherwise 🤣

Also Shi Qingxuan going through with becoming a vagabond and goes on silly little adventures with &Quan Yizhen because the man is constantly moving anyway and gets himself into adventures

Whispers go around that a god is protecting Shi Qingxuan with the amount of shit he has survived after he became a beggar

In reality being friends with Quan Yizhen has given him the ability to survive alot of situations out of sheer will and tears

Quan Yizhen watching over Shi Qingxuan till the last of his days, the former wind god refusing to go back to heaven feeling he no longer belongs there anyway, but Shi Qingxuan living a long human life until he passes peacefully

A canon romance between them would probs end with missed chances 😔

Since I imagine Shi Qingxuan would never want to go back to heaven/become a deputy living out a human life

If they fell in love it would be on a timer to get as much out of this as they can before Shi Qingxuan passes away, if they start a romance at all, their own issues probably preventing them from going further then friendship

Quan Yizhen keeping the Wind Master fan on his belt as well as Shi Qingxuans locket, the last remainders of his friend

[moonlight-prose]

HURT

➝ 02. ONLY ONES WHO KNOW

a/n: i am in deep for this man and it's only the second week of his show. not sure how i'll survive the rest of it. what did y'all think of episode 2? so, the story continues and i finally get to delve in a bit deeper on the relationship between these two. something i'm incredibly excited about. look out for some drabbles/interludes coming soon regarding this story. thanks for all the lovely comments on the last chapter. i'm glad you're all enjoying it!

summary: for days you traveled with a man you barely knew. until you finally gain the courage to ask him about the watch on his wrist.

word count: 4.7k+

pairing: joel miller x f!reader

warnings: not explicit yet but still 18+, cussing, violence, gore, angst, blood, tw death, gratuitous prose about the apocalypse setting, slow burn, tw food consumption.

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Silence filled the space between you, filling the void of what was never there. You’d been walking together for days, taking paths here and there through unknown streets and abandoned towns. It seemed that when Joel made the offer for you to accompany him, he simply meant he’ll show you the way. He wouldn’t be your friend, your buddy as you walked, hell he would barely even talk, and for a while you accepted that.

You kept yourself busy by looking at the scenery, digging through empty buildings for useful things, and fighting off the odd infected that still remained. For the first three days you told yourself that neither of you would stick around long enough to know the other. Eventually, you’d part ways. Meaning you would be alone once more. So what was the point of learning meaningless information, that would do nothing to help either of your situations

By the fourth day you were slowly losing your mind with just small worded responses, and questions that still hung in the air—frozen against the time that passed. You weren’t sure how long it would take to get to Boston. Shit you weren’t even sure where you were now, having crossed through town after town without ever finding a name or sign. All that would remain of them in your memory was the sight of the decay. Of the buildings slowly losing the remnant of a lifeless humanity that remained—nature overtaking what was rightfully hers.

You’d seen it everywhere. The brutalization of the apocalypse coming to full fruition before your very eyes. With humanity gone, the world could finally heal. You could recall learning about the fall of humanity in school; professors talked about what the world might look like once everyone disappeared. Would the world fall to pieces from the destruction humans caused, or would it adapt?

You never used to see it that way though. Never thought that nature was healing, so much as it was taking over. There was a time where you could remember hating the world—wishing for its ultimate demise. You wanted it all to end. Life, death…time. You didn’t care which one went first, as long as it took you with them.

But now that the years had passed and you’d finally grown up, you could see what you didn’t catch before. You were still alive…somehow. Yet still the pain remained. The grief that you tried so hard to forget about was stored inside your bag, carried around with each trudging step you continued to make in silence. 

Silence had been your only companion for some time now, and you were thoroughly exhausted of its company.

Perhaps that’s why you eventually broke down and asked him the question that made him close himself off.

It was a reaction you never expected to happen. One that left you wracking your mind for what you could have said that made this journey even more uncomfortable.

“Where did you get your watch?”

You had asked him as you ate dinner—or at least a makeshift meal of something he killed. The fire crackled in the night air, creating warmth you hadn’t enjoyed in awhile. Reminding you of late nights in your childhood home. The fireplace emitting the soft warmth that lulled you to sleep on the couch. Before you could stop and think about it, you’d simply asked him—thinking it would start a small conversation.

Only for the question to hang in the air like the deafening silence. Each minute ticked by just a little bit slower because of it. You watched his entire body stiffen, his jaw twitching as he stopped chewing his food, and stared into the fire. The man you thought you knew as Joel, disappeared before your very eyes.

It was an honest question. One that usually created small talk. Except you couldn’t help but think that you’d fucked up in a big way once the words left your mouth. You’d seen him fiddle with the watch before. Tracing his finger along the wristband, touching the broken glass that still remained. You had half a mind to ask why he still wore it if it was broken. But then you realized…if you had something left from your old life—you’d keep it with you too.

Even if it stopped working.

The sun began to dip below the horizon again, bathing the small forest area you were currently traveling through, in darkness. Eventually you’d have to stop for the night, find a place that both of you deemed safe enough, but Joel seemed intent on continuing. The past few days he stopped before the sun began to dip below the trees. However, today he seemed different. Off. You didn’t want to blame your question on his actions that resembled a lost man simply putting one foot in front of the other, but you knew it had to be the cause.

So, you stopped walking. The small hideout was covered with larger rocks, creating a makeshift sitting area. You wondered if people used this before—thinking they could survive in the woods as the cities were torn apart.

It took him a minute to realize the echo of your footsteps didn’t follow his, forcing him to turn. A look remained in his eyes that told you everything you needed to know. He was lost. Though his expression was empty, he couldn’t hide the dazed glint in his eyes.

“We can’t stop here,” he said gruffly, his voice rough from not being used.

You shrugged, dropping your bag to the ground and starting to button up your coat. “You’re exhausted, I’m hungry, and there’s nothing we can do in the dark.”

“I’m not—” he started, his eyebrows pulling together.

“You know how to use a bow and arrow right?”

He watched you dig up the archaic weapon you both found in an abandoned house a day ago. Joel didn’t question why you picked it up, figuring that you knew how to use it. When in reality, you simply grabbed it in case it would come in handy. Weapons weren’t your forte. You barely learned how to shoot a fucking gun the right way. But he looked like he knew enough to use the weapon with ease; hopefully it would assist both of you in hunting down something larger to eat.

“If you didn’t know how to use it, why did you take it?”

Tracing the design on the side of the arrow with your eyes, you stepped away from the small hideout, heading towards the thicket of trees that were ahead of you. “Figured you knew how to use it,” you called over your shoulder. “Thought you might need another weapon.”

He didn’t respond, but he did follow you. The crunch of leaves underneath his boots, reverberating off the trees. If you weren’t careful you would attract something that neither of you would be able to outrun. You knew his bullets were too important to use hunting wise, but arrows could be reused if they stayed intact. Or at least you hoped that’s what would happen.

“We’ll need to go further out,” he said, walking past you and quickly taking the lead, his gun still strapped to his shoulder—his bag back with yours.

Once again, you walked in silence. Conversation didn’t seem to come easy to him you noticed, and rather than push him into talking, you allowed him to start it off. After the question, you knew that stepping where you didn’t belong wasn’t the best choice with Joel. He was reserved. Far more than you. His past would remain a mystery—you were okay with that—but it seemed he didn’t want to share anything other than hunting tips and small words shared over a meal.

He headed towards a small cliff, his eyes scanning the area for animals. Over the years, you’d seen hunters before. Been privy to how they worked, how they killed. They held an animalistic quality to their movements that reminded you too much of the infected. They killed as if they enjoyed it. You had killed yourself, but Joel was different. He moved like a predator, taking in his surroundings with a careful and analytical gaze. You noticed it while walking with him, watched him take note of everything that could be used as a weapon and every place he could hide.

Joel was a survivor, that much remained clear to you. He was dangerous beneath the surface. And you wondered how much he had to endure to get to this point. What had he seen or even done to stay alive as the world crumpled at his feet? You figured you’d never know the truth, and perhaps it was better that way.

What was the point of knowing this man? By the time you reached Boston, you would go your separate ways—following different paths in order to remain alive and somewhat human. You didn’t want to see his humanity, witness his vulnerabilities, because that would make parting so much harder.

What was the point in growing attached when eventually…time would tear you apart in the end anyways?

“You know what you’re doing with that?” he asked, breaking you out of your thoughts. Thankfully he ignored the fact that your gaze was trained on him.

Nodding, you notched the arrow in place, attempting to pull it back and aim well enough to make the shot. “Easy,” you replied, hearing the slight shake in your voice.

Fuck the nerves. You’ve killed before. Taken life from animals and people alike, but never like this. A gun had always been your preferred weapon, due to its easy nature, and you hated that Joel could see that. All you ever had to do before was aim and pull a trigger, but this called for something more. A skill you didn’t have in your arsenal.

He shook his head subtly, standing to his full height as you struggled with the weapon—your arms shaking beneath the strain of keeping the position.

“Relax,” he said, his hand settling on your tense shoulders. “You’ll hurt yourself if you do it this way.”

Huffing, you tried to listen to his words, forcing your body to release the tension that riddled it. “I told you I don’t know how to use this.”

“No, you didn’t.” If you turned your head you would have caught the small hint of a grin forming on his lips. “Lift your elbow more,” he stated, nudging it with his hand and causing a jolt to go through your arm.

“Like this?” Your words were soft as he shifted your movements with his hands that barely touched you.

Something moved in the distance, the rustling of branches telling you where to aim, but Joel was already way ahead of you. His hand slid over yours, helping you adjust your hold until the arrow went steady—pointing directly where it needed to go. The breath you released was shaky; your nerves showing through clearly enough for him to see. You hoped he had the decency to ignore them. To help you take the shot and move on, but his hand clasped over yours tighter, as if to reassure you.

Whatever existed in the air between you, unspoken and forever silent, worked its way through your body. Until the shake in your arms disappeared and your chest felt lighter.

Once again the rustling echoed in the distance, what you guessed to be a wild rabbit coming out to find food for itself. You didn’t give yourself time to wonder anymore, because Joel was nudging your foot forward with his. Pushing you into a stance that released the pressure you felt on your lower back. Taking in a breath, you felt him release his against the back of your neck, causing your hair to stand straight and chills to spread down your spine.

You wanted to lean into him. Feel his warmth a bit longer, but the animal was getting closer—your window closing with each passing second.

“You see it?” he murmured, head nodding in its direction.

“Yeah…I see it.”

Taking in a breath, you felt him guide your arm, the arrow in position, before you let it go. You could have sworn time slowed down as it flew through the air. Its movements, soundless amidst the echo of nature that resounded through the area. With bated breath, you watched it soar until it hit its mark with a thud—the animal collapsing into the brush. Dead.

Laughing, you dropped your arm and half expected him to shift away from you, but he remained. His hand, still clutching onto yours with a gentler touch. Rather than pull away, you allowed him to stand there—his breath brushing along your neck softly every few seconds. Neither of you spoke. Too afraid of breaking whatever this was, of losing the small comfort of his touch.

Eventually you would have to collect the rabbit and things would go back to the semblance of normal that came before. But for now…you weren’t two survivors. You weren’t on the brink of losing to the fear, giving into the idea of a quick death. For those small minutes, you were a woman being touched by a man.

You were human again.

“Good job,” he said, pulling away entirely and allowing the cold air to envelop you again.

You wondered if he felt it. The speed of your heartbeat, the longing that caused an ache to spread throughout your body. Did he long for touch too? Or had he cut himself off from that? You wanted to know the answer, but asking him questions never went well with you. So you stood there, watching him walk down the cliff and towards the animal whose life would sustain yours for just a bit longer.

That was the irony of the apocalypse. No matter how much you tried to escape it, death would remain.

Whether good or bad, it would forever be the only constant in this world.

The fire crackled in the night air. You watched as sparks floated up to the sky before being extinguished by oxygen. The sight made you smile, bringing you back to childhood memories of camping and college nights sitting at bonfires. You remembered fire being contiguous to joy, small moments of peace that came before the pain.

It was pure, a way to end the infection, but also a way to sustain life. So, you relished in it, sitting on ground beside your bag as Joel worked with the rabbit. He claimed that it needed to be cooked and eaten so you could move on—the smell attracting not just infected, but larger animals that might have survived too. You took his word as the truth, assisting him by bringing the fire to life and setting it in a makeshift pit.

“Where’d you learn to do this?” he asked, setting up the rabbit over the flames.

You grinned, pushing a piece of wood in closer. “He speaks,” you joked.

“When he needs to.” He didn’t smile, didn’t offer you anything other than the small retort, but you took it nonetheless.

“My brother. He used to be a Marine.” You pushed around the brush beneath the wood. “He’d always tell me that I needed to know two things. How to defend myself and how to build a fire. Somehow I was always better at building the fire.”

He didn’t comment, didn’t need to. You saw the way he listened to you, his eyes flickering back and forth from the fire before landing back on you. The moon hung low in the sky, the light from it illuminating the area around you, but the fire illuminated him. Casting shadows across his face and deepening the growing lines that were barely beginning to show with his age. You never asked how old he was—didn’t feel the need to—but now as you gazed at him, you wondered.

“I’m sorry about before,” you admitted, tearing your eyes away from him.

“Sorry ‘bout what?”

A crack echoed in the air as the wood snapped in two, falling to the ground and catching onto the brush.

“I shouldn’t have asked about your watch.” Once again he averted his attention elsewhere, turning the rabbit and avoiding your gaze. After a moment, you figured pushing past it was your best option. So you opted for something different. “What’s your name?”

He glanced up, eyebrows furrowing. “You know my name.”

“No, I mean your full name.”

“Hm.” He shifted, stretching his leg out. “Miller’s my last name.”

Your lips pulled up, teeth digging into your bottom lip. “Joel…Miller. It’s nice.”

He huffed slightly, almost a laugh but not quite. “What’s yours?”

“Hm.” You mused, glancing at the fire that ate away at the wood. 

Your full name fell from your lips, foreign sounding to your ears after years of never hearing it. At times you felt like a myth that no one could remember—a forgotten deity with no name to hold as your own. When he repeated it, the sound curling around his tongue and filling your stomach with warmth, you knew you wanted to hear him say it again.

If only to remember who you used to be for a brief moment longer.

He used his knife to tear off pieces of meat, handing it to you quickly before it cooled off. The small gesture reminded you of the people you used to survive with. How they’d make sure everyone got enough to eat, handing off the food with a smile; the kindness in their hearts, extinguished at the first pull of a trigger. You wanted to remember them with the same nostalgia as your old life, but there was nothing to be had there.

“Where’s your brother now?” Joel asked, interrupting your train of memories.

A sour feeling spread through your stomach, your chest tightening with each intake of breath. While normally, you’d forgo answering questions about your past, it seemed only fair this time.

“I don’t know,” you mumbled, digging your teeth into the meat and chewing slowly, savoring its flavor. “I uh…I managed to get out of Boston before they bombed the place. Made it home to see him gone.”

He stayed quiet, giving you room to continue if you wanted to. You should have stopped there, having answered his question with the truth, but after so long of sitting in your grief—it begged you to spill free.

“I had a mom too,” you said, staring at the orange glow of the flames. “I thought I’d find her when I got back. I mean she raised a man to become a Marine so she obviously must have known how to fight.” The breath felt heavy in your lungs, the sting of tears burning your eyes. “She was dead when I got there. Didn’t even have a chance to say goodbye,” you finished bitterly, the memory still burned into your mind.

If you could go back you would in a heartbeat. If only to have a chance to speak to her again, to tell her all the things you left unsaid. The world fell to shit faster than anyone expected—the virus spreading too quickly to give you enough time. So, you remained with what little you could still remember about her—hoping it would be enough in the end.

Joel didn’t respond. He simply stared at his watch, his thumb brushing along the face of it tenderly. You almost didn’t want him to say anything. For the first time in days, you were okay with sitting in silence with him. Content to simply stare at the fire, finish your meal, and go on your way. You knew that if he spoke, if he answered your question, there’d be no going back…for either of you.

“Her name was Sarah,” he said, eyes not meeting yours and body rigid. The words made you freeze, eyes trained on his silhouette that the shadows played along. 

You didn’t ask who she was, what she meant to him, because you knew he wouldn’t tell you either way. He said her name, and answered your question in his own way. It occurred to you that you were the only ones who knew each other's secret weight of grief and that was enough for you. Taking his words with a nod, you continued to eat until you finished off what he gave you; your stomach finally full after so long.

The smell of smoke filled your senses as you fought against the wave of exhaustion that riddled your body. You couldn’t sleep here. Not when the threat of infected remained dangerous in the woods. Although you weren’t sure what the fuck they’d be doing in the middle of nowhere anyways. They couldn’t survive here.

You weren’t sure how much time passed before you decided to lay down, your head propped up on your bag. The floor was uncomfortable; the rocks digging into your spine were the only thing keeping you awake, but you made do.

“What I wouldn’t give for some vodka,” you said, staring at the stars in the sky, trying to catch sight of some familiar constellations.

Joel scoffed, the sound still unfamiliar to your ears. “I’m more of a whiskey man myself.”

“Oh yeah? Where are you from?”

“Texas,” he replied, his southern drawl thicker as if to emphasize his point.

You snorted, staring at the moon. “Should’ve known with the way you can fucking shoot.” 

The fire would die down soon enough, leaving the both of you to freeze. Yet that didn’t stop you from settling further into your position, in an attempt to find a comfortable spot. You missed the bed from a few days ago—how it was so soft beneath your body. So normal after the hell you’d been through. But you knew if you two had stayed there, you’d be left to deal with the consequences that were sure to come.

“Do you think they’ve got alcohol in Boston?” you blurted out, feeling your eyes grow heavy.

He sighed, shifting his movements until his back was pressed up against the boulder. “Don’t know. I hope so.”

“What else do you like Texas?”

“Ha ha,” he drawled, his eyes falling shut. “I used to own a guitar.”

That perked you up a bit. “Don’t tell me you can sing?”

“I can’t sing.”

“Shit,” you whispered. “A girl can dream.”

“What about you Boston?” You could have sworn you heard a smile in his voice.

You smirked. “Ha ha.” Crossing your arms, you did your best to fight sleep, knowing if something happened you needed to be ready to run. “I used to have a record collection my mom started for me as a kid.” He hummed, his eyes still shut. “Nothing you would have listened to since you probably like country music.”

His foot tapped your arm, bringing out a peal of laughter from your chest that was most likely caused by the delirium of your sleeplessness. The last time you got some rest was a few days ago in that house. Even if you wanted to fight against it, you knew you’d pass out regardless—leaving the both of you vulnerable to any attacks. You reasoned that an hour or two wouldn’t hurt and before you could question the feeling in your gut, you were gone.

Falling into the arms of exhaustion that beckoned you closer. Promising a safe haven of a dark void without pain.

“Boston. Wake up.” Someone shaking your shoulders, jolted you awake. Your eyes flew open, hand going to the gun on your side. Only to see Joel crouching over you—the morning sun barely coming up above the trees.

You groaned, head falling back against your bag. “There’s a nicer way of waking people up, you know. A good morning—”

His hand slapped over your mouth, fingers curling around your jaw to snap it shut as he raised a finger to his lips. Fear filled your body, the cold wash of anxiety spreading down your spine as you sat up slowly. His eyes were hard, expression mimicking his emotions. The longer you stared at him, the more you realized that the man you met had returned—the hunter who was ruthless when need be.

Before you could ask him what was going on, you heard it. The familiar chilling screech of an infected. Your body jolted, eyes going wide before you slowly reached for the gun and pulled it into your lap.

Joel nodded, letting go of your jaw before gesturing with his hand to follow him as he crouched behind the rocks. You had half a mind to ask what the fuck one of those things was doing all the way out here, but figured neither of you knew the answer. Both of you were bound to run into another one sooner or later. From the sound of it, you could tell it was a runner.

Probably some poor bastard who was out trying to survive on their own. A flash of sympathy shot through your heart, before you loaded a bullet into the chamber of your gun.

“We need to go around,” he said lowly, his gun at the ready—bow and arrow strapped across his back.

“Can’t we just kill it?”

He shook his head, slowly shifting around the rock. “There might be more than one.”

“Shit.” Exhaling, you nodded at him to move, ready to run if you had to.

Standing to your full height with him, you caught sight of the infected staggering around the forest. They were barely turned, the fungus not even grown out of its body yet. Which meant that they were fast, able to chase if they caught sight of you and Joel. Holding your breath, you crept around the trees with your weapon at the ready—the nerves now prominent in your racing heart.

Neither of you spoke, too afraid of catching its attention, but it was too late. Before you could pull him back, Joel’s boot landed on a stick, snapping it in two. The sound bounced off the trees—a terrifying stillness accompanying it, and for a moment you thought maybe you both got lucky. Maybe it didn’t hear.

Until it screeched, whipping around to see you and him standing there, guns at the ready.

Joel loaded his shotgun, pointing it at the runner, but it launched its body at him, taking him to the ground in a tackle. You heard Joel shout, his arm slamming against the thing’s throat to block a bite. Only you knew that wouldn’t work. Grabbing the fallen gun, you pointed it quickly, took the best aim you could, and pulled the trigger. It went off with a loud bang, blood splattering on the dirty floor. The gun slammed into your shoulder, nearly toppling you over, but you held steady as Joel pushed himself free. His head falling to the forest floor.

While he caught his breath, you surveyed the area for signs of more of them. But the forest remained silent. You must not be far from a city or town for one of those things to find you all the way out here. Thankfully it was only a runner and not something far worse. You’d heard the stories, knew what else resided in the darkness, and hoped that you’d never have to meet it.

“Not bad Boston,” he rasped.

You shrugged. “I had a good teacher,” you said, offering your hand to pull him up. He groaned as he stood, wiping the leaves off his pants. “Hey Joel.”

His eyes met yours—a flash of something you guessed to be concern going through them. “Yeah?”

“Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

For the first time in days you saw his lips pull up into a smile, his laugh hitting your ears and sending that familiar and welcome heat through your body. 

“Good idea,” he replied, taking the shotgun back.

This time, you took the lead. Heading further into the trees with him following close behind. The sun continued to rise in the distance, morning finally greeting what remained of the world. All the while your brain replayed his laugh, the sound deep and raspy just like his voice, yet…more. You found that you wanted to hear him laugh again. Wanted to know what he sounded like when he was happy, but that you’d probably never get to witness it again.

Maybe in another life, you reasoned to yourself and that thought alone was good enough for you.

For now.

[kyojurismo]

Can I req Douma or Kokushibo having an s/o that is really shitty with math or sth and they need to help them bc hw (also, it's modern time but they are demons and somehow managed to survive the war + live w/ the humans now)

btw, if you choose koku you could do bio bc he can see thru humans yk, that makes it so much easier for him, right?

# douma & kokushibo

tags : gn!reader, school & homework (i hate this stuff i’m sorry of course i’m gonna tag em lol), douma is smart but plays dumb, kokushibo is the “dad helping his child doing the homework” type (you’ll see), not proofread.

a/n : this is also the proof that i don’t know how to write this kind of scenarios so LMAO i apologise & i hope you’ll enjoy it anyway <3

DOUMA

“i can’t do that!” you whined, letting go of the pen. “you can,” douma was sitting on the couch, minding his business. “no! i need your help,” you pouted, waiting for him to finally help you with your math homework.

he sighed, thinking for a moment before getting up and coming closer. douma sat down next to you and grabbed your book. “alright…” he read the exercise and chuckled.

“look… i don’t know what it is asking, can you explain it to me?” he smiled at you, showing his fangs. you got distracted for a moment before nodding, starting to explain what you had to do. “oh! that’s right,” douma nodded and chuckled again.

“then can you show me? i think i’ve not very good at this kind of exercises,” he seemed sad, but was faking it. you just didn’t noticed.

that’s what he wanted. he knew you could actually do that, so he pretended to not knowing what your exercises were about. that way you would explain them to him and subconsciously solve them.

“yeah, i think this should be a 5 tho,” he smirked and got up, you finally understood. “hey! you were supposed to help me,” you groaned, annoyed by his behaviour. “but you finished them, darling,” douma winked at you and sat down on the couch again, satisfied with himself.

“asshole,” you murmured, staring down at the now solved math exercises.

KOKUSHIBO

“you know the answer to that,” he stared at you intently. well, with his six eyes. “no i don’t,” you shook your head.

“you just have to locate the kidney,” he explained. thanks shit, he can see where it was located clearly. you sent him a glare, annoyed. “why can’t you tell me where it is?”

“because you have to learn it yourself,” he sighed. kokushibo was stern when it came to studying. “alright…” you huffed and answered, not paying too much attention.

“no! i told you it was up there,” his finger pointed at a specific point on the paper. “no you did not!” he did in fact mentioned it while showing you, he wasn’t brainless.

he showed you a few organs’ location and then wanted you to remember and point them on the paper. you just weren’t that good at biology.

“this is madness,” he muttered and got up. “you know it’s hard for normal people like me,” you whined. you wanted to reason with him, deep down he knew he could see things you couldn’t. plus, he was a demon.

“alright, i’ll help you. but just this time.”

reblogs & comments are super appreciated! thank you for taking your time reading it, i hope you enjoyed it. have a good day / night <3

[l00na24]

I Got Your Six - Chapter 2

Warnings: Mentions of death

Word Count: 5.8k

Now…

“Man, that guy nearly shit himself!”

“Oh my god, Mick! Stop it already!” I said embarrassed to my teammate as we arrived at base from our last mission.

“He’s lucky he’s still alive.” Countered another one of my team in a more serious tone.

“How about you stop reminding me and rather go to the colonel for report?” I asked with a raised eyebrow and looked at the three men walking next to me.

“She’s right, give her a break from all your shit already.” The last of the three chimed in, laughing and shaking his head slightly.

“Thanks, Luc.” Letting out a relieved breath, I looked over to him.

“Always got your back, girl. You know that.” He patted me brotherly on the arm a few times and gave me an honest smile.

“Just stop already, you two!” Mick shouted in fake disgust, groaning.

“And he’s not the only one.” The second man added a moment later, clearly ignoring Mick’s comment and looking at me with a reassuring smile too.

“Gross, Alex! Gross!” Mick stuck his tongue out at that, making a fake gagging motion.

“We love you too, Mick.” Luc retorted with a wink toward his friend.

“Okay, okay, I’m going! Jeeessssee!” Mick lifted his hands up in defeat and started to break away from the group to make his way over to the colonel’s office.

“Don’t have too much fun without me and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, boys!” He shouted a second later for probably the whole base to hear.

“Fuck you, Mick!” Alex called back to him loudly, sighing and shaking his head about the ridiculousness of his teammate.

A barely there smile crossed my face for a second at their antics. I couldn’t be more grateful to have these three men, well, formally four, before we lost someone 2 years ago.

Not wanting to think about it for another second and get lost in my thoughts, I shifted my attention back to the two men currently with me.

We had been a team for 8 years now, ever since… the split from my first team that I had called my family. I never saw anyone of them again after that day. Never heard from them ever again since.

Stop! Just stop thinking about it!

It was a really hard time for me back then and I wasn’t sure if I’d survive it. More than once did I wish to die on one of the many battlefields I found myself on after. It would have been better than the painful suffering I was going through every second of every single day. But it never happened, so I was forced to get through it somehow, try to learn and live with it somehow. Get back up again and move on. Try to erase even the smallest bits related to those memories I held so deeply locked up inside of me and wished to forget forever.

“Hey, you alright?” A voice pulled me out of my thoughts suddenly.

“Hm? Oh yeah, sorry. Got lost in my head.” I answered after not responding for a moment.

“Only wanted to make sure you’re with us.” Alex smiled at me caringly, looking into my eyes. He knew there was more behind it but didn’t press on the subject, knowing I would tell them when I wanted to.

“We should get some rest, I’m already falling asleep walking.” Luc suggested from my right and had to restrain a yawn that threatened to escape him.

“Sounds good.” I answered and looked ahead of me around the base. Enjoying the quiet moment with them while we were able to.

“Ah! There you are!” Mick’s voice cut through the silence all of a sudden, that had settled around us before we nearly had reached our bunks.

Stopping and turning around surprised, I saw him coming toward us.

“Aaaand the silence is gone.” Alex commented sarcastically with a little sigh, knowing the most active of our little group was back with his loud and probably never shutting mouth.

��A little chuckle escaped me.

“What’s so funny over there?” Mick picked up immediately on it with a questioning glance.

“Alex thought, he wouldn’t have to deal with your annoying ass anymore today before sleeping.” Luc answered with a knowing grin toward him.

“Ha! You know you can’t get rid of me! Aaaaannnd you love me! Admit it!” Mick retorted with a matching wide grin on his face, pointing with his finger at Alex and dramatically pretending to be hurt with a hand over his heart.

“God, stop it already, would you? I had to deal enough with you on the flight back! Give me a break, please.” Alex huffed out, not meaning what he said.

“Why are you back so quickly anyway? Did the colonel have enough of you already and threw you out the second you walked in his office?” He added, crossing his arms and eyeing his soldier brother.

“No. And colonel Sanders wouldn’t do that! He sent me back to give this to Y/N!” Mick explained and showed us an envelope that he held in his right hand toward me.

“What is that?” I asked surprised, not knowing from who it was or what it could be. I never got any mails. There was no one who could send me anything that I knew of. Looking at it as if I never had seen such a thing in my life.

“I don’t know but the colonel said, it got delivered here a few days ago.” He told us and looked down at it too.

“Anything you wanna tell us maybe?” Luc joined in and raised his left eyebrow questioningly at me.

“What? No! You know there’s no one.” I shot back at him with an uncertain look.

“From who is it then? Come on, open it!” Mick asked and encouraged me, already exited with the idea about who could’ve sent me something.

My look went from him back to the envelope I held in my hand, inspecting it more carefully. There was no address, no name or anything that indicated from who it was. Only my name was neatly written in the middle of the front.

Noticing my hesitation and uncertainty, Luc cut in to defend me.

“Hey, stop pushing her, man.”

“Whatever it is, isn’t your business anyway, Mick.” Alex reminded him and shot him a stern look, already thinking of what it could be and where it could possibly go.

“No, it’s okay.” I said after a quick pause and looked at the three men surrounding me.

“I just hope it’s none of those…” My thoughts went straight to the condolences we got when our teammate died. I couldn’t see any more of those, cause they made me sick each time I had to look at one, reading the same lines over and over.

It’s my fault…

“It won’t. I’m sure of it. Whatever it is, take your time and open it when you’re ready for it.” Luc said while he put his arm around my shoulder and pressed me softly against his side.

“You know we’re here for you. Always.” Alex reminded me, grabbing and squeezing my right hand reassuringly while he gave me a knowing look.

“Thank you, guys. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” I thanked them honestly, trying to keep my emotions in check.

“Probably getting lost and ending up dead somewhere.” Mick tried to lift the situation and cracked a joke, hoping it would make me laugh and forget the dark thoughts that started to gather in my mind.

“Eres un idiota. (You are an idiot.)” Alex cursed in Spanish at him, giving him a clap on the back of his head. Letting the Spanish blood show, that was flowing within him.

“You know I don’t understand that shit.” The other man commented, rubbing his head and pulled away Alex’ hand, pretending to be offended.

“Okay, okay, stop it, you two.” I tried to interfere their bickering, knowing already that they could go on for hours if they wanted and I was too exhausted to deal with that right now again. I had to witness it countless times before and wasn’t about to add another one to it in this moment.

As Mick was about to probably make another smart remark, he got interrupted by Luc.

“You heard the captain, fellas. Stop your shit and lay your asses down for a few hours.”

“Not that she can say that by herself…” Alex chuckled quietly to himself.

“Luc’s right, guys. I’m getting tired too. Let’s get some sleep and I’ll see you later.” I told them, stowing away the envelope and waving them goodbye while I started to walk in the direction of my bunk.

I wasn’t really tired and the boys presumably knew it too but didn’t say anything, knowing me way too well after all those years together. Just like them.

They knew I had trouble sleeping when I was newly assigned to them, but I was barely sleeping now after what had happened 2 years ago, trying to avoid it as best as I could to not being forced to relive another of those nightmares. Too scared of waking up, only to realize all of it would be true and I wasn’t dreaming.

Who would send me something?

I put down all the things I had carried with me when I reached my bunk. Sitting down and staring holes in the white piece of paper with my name on it that I brought out of where I had put it.

Y/N

Trying to decipher who’s handwriting it could be, I was going through every possible one I could think of in my head but came up empty.

Should I open it?

I didn’t know why, but something made my stomach turn when I looked at it. It was a feeling in my gut I couldn’t explain and I didn’t like it either. I could easily just throw it away and never think of it again but somehow I was also drawn to it at the same time.

Sighing heavily, I stood up again and laid the still untouched envelope on my bed and dragged a hand across my face while taking a few steps around the room. Giving me a moment to think about what to do.

If I just tried to ignore it, I knew I would end up thinking all day about it, the thoughts about what it could possibly contain running wild in my mind. But if I opened it and it contained the very thing I feared already for, I wasn’t sure how I’d react and the thought was already scaring me enough.

“Fuck this.” I said after I stopped in front of my bed again and looked down on the tempting piece of paper.

Reaching for it and sitting back down after my curiosity had finally won, I carefully opened it.

Not a second later after looking at its content, I dropped it as if I had burned my hand on it, not believing what I read.

No, no, no, no, no…. There was no god damn way in hell this could be real!

I jumped up and ran across the room toward the door, turning around after a moment to look at the paper that was now on the floor and slowly sinking down with my back against it after a minute of straight staring at the offending item in my room.

My breath began to pick up immediately and my hands started to shake. I could feel almost tears coming up too. I felt like someone had just ripped my already non-existent heart out of me a second time.

How the fuck was this possible? Why? And why now all of a sudden?

You only imagine this, Y/N! You know there’s no way of this happening! Snap out of it! I tried convincing myself without actually believing it.

What had I done in my life to deserve this? Was it some sick way of fate to get back on me for all the things I had done? My punishment for all my mistakes and choices I made? To remind me who I was?

“Why would you do that?” I spoke to myself, louder this time. Still in absolute disbelieve about what I was looking at.

The letters that couldn’t be, that must be horribly wrong. Or was this all someone’s sick joke? But if so, wouldn’t it have been way earlier then? Why would someone wait that long and drop something like this now? It didn’t make sense, in every way possible. The thought that someone was playing me nor that it could actually be really true.

How did it even get in here? Was no one questioning it?

I was reading the small text on it over and over again to try and figure out what this was.

Can we talk?

S.

Sunny’s Café,

FL, 33675, Eastwood Road

2 PM,

06.21.2019

The date written on it was in two days. Enough time to think about if I really wanted to follow his invitation or not. But first I had to ask the colonel for permission to leave anyway if I was forced to meet him somewhere in Florida. Why was he there? I remembered, that some of the guys used to live there when they were on leave but I didn’t know if that was still true. They always tried to get me to go there with them but I declined each time and stayed at the base. I didn’t want to interfere with their private lives too.

Was he with them right now? Was that the reason he was here? Or what was he doing down there?

“I should have never opened this shit.”

Was I ready to dig up everything that happened in the past? To face one of the persons I hoped to never see ever again? What was I even supposed to say to him when he was in front of me? ‘Hey, I’m sorry that I ran from you and never wanted to see you again?’

Sounds really convincing. Fucking pathetic.

I picked up the paper and put it back neatly folded in the envelope. Turning it around to the front, I looked over the handwriting of my name again and let out a frustrated sigh.

Standing back up, I walked across and put it on the table that was standing on the other end of the room. Then I quickly searched my bag next to it for some fresh clothes to sleep in before heading to bed and finally get some rest, hopefully.

I’d talk to the colonel in the morning and would decide then what I was gonna do. And I had to talk with the boys about it too. The past would always catch up with me, one way or another. Regardless how hard I tried to run from it. I was doomed to be chained to it forever.

The next morning, 7 AM, North Carolina, Fort Bragg

It was still early when I got up, only being able to close my eyes for three to four hours at best. I went through my morning routine and was on my way to colonel Sanders after. I needed to get this over with as fast as possible.

With fast steps I approached his office, knowing the colonel was already up too. I knocked three times lightly and waited till he beckoned me in.

“Good morning, Y/N. Already up I see, like always. How are you?” He greeted me with a smile and made a gesture with his hand for me to sit down and take a seat before him.

“Good morning, commander. I’m okay, I think. I wanted to talk to you about something.” I greeted him back and sat down in the chair, knowing this wouldn’t be an easy conversation and it was probably best to sit down for it.

“Nice to hear that, I hope you got some rest. And what can I do for you?” Sanders asked and watched me with an attentive gaze. Trying to find out if I was honest with him about my wellbeing or not. He knew about my sleeping problems and that I had a habit to conceal how I really felt. So he was always the most careful over me after everything and on guard about the slightest of changes in my behavior.

I pulled out the envelope and handed it to him.

“Ah, so you received it.” He commented and took it from me, inspecting it.

“Yes, Mick gave it to me as soon as he came back.” I answered, not yet giving away what fatal content it entailed.

“Another one of those?” Sanders questioned, referring to the condolence cards I had gotten before.

“No, not quite.” I said and looked at the paper with a grim look.

Noticing my change in tone, he looked back up at me. He knew I never got any mails from anyone besides them.

I returned his look and held his gaze for a moment before I sighed heavily, knowing what was about to come.

“What is it then?”

“I hoped you could tell me that.”

Sanders eyes went back and forth between the envelope and me for a second before he asked for my permission to open it and take a look.

“Can I?”

“Sure.” I cut myself short and watched him.

There was a moment of silence between us when he opened the folded paper and read the text on it. Shortly after, his head shot back up and his eyes grew a bit wider.

“Is it from who I think it is?” Sanders asked the question I had already anticipated with genuine surprise in his voice.

“I think so, yes.” I answered with a small nod toward him and looked to the ground right after, not wanting to longer stare at the thing in his hand than needed.

“Did you know anything about this?” I added with an uncertain voice, searching his face for any reaction.

“No, I didn’t. I’m quite surprised myself.” The colonel answered honestly and ran a hand over his chin, leaning back in his seat.

“Why now? Why after 8 years?” My question came out with a more vulnerable voice than I intended to, and I started fidgeting with my fingers in my lap. Hating to talk about the still highly sensitive subject I tried to avoid at all costs.

“Maybe he wants to make peace with you? Do you wanna talk to him?” He wanted to know, eyeing me now more seriously.

“I’m… not sure.” With a huff I stood up crossing my arms, not being able to sit still any longer and getting more upset by the second.

“All of this is partly my fault too.” The colonel suddenly said.

Not knowing what he meant, I raised my eyebrows at him.

“What do you mean?”

“I told the boys back then to leave you alone for the time being and give you space. I thought you’d go back to them eventually, but I didn’t believe you’d never talk to them again.” Sanders apologized and stood up too, rounding the side of his table till he was in front of me.

“It wasn’t your fault.” I quickly deflected, a little surprised at his revelation but I appreciated his care for me none the less. He couldn’t have known that it was my plan all along after that fateful day.

“Y/N.” He came a step closer, trying to caress my arm but I jerked back as fast as I could.

“No!” I almost shouted and took a step backwards.

“Why did he have to do this? Why now? Why?!” Feeling my breathing pick up, I tried to calm myself and not to allow any emotions to surface.

“You know you should talk to him. Make your peace with it, so you can get closure.” Deep down I knew he was right but to get myself to that point was a loosing battle. I’d never get closure from the endless guilt I felt, the pain. No talk with anyone would change that. But the other part of me also was curious about what he had to say. I didn’t have this weird feeling in my gut for no reason, I was sure of it.

“The date on it is in two days. I will need some time off if I should really go there.” I explained after taking a breath.

“You know, you don’t need to ask, Y/N. You never took any time off since you’ve been here. And if it helps you to finally make your peace with it, I’ll gladly give it to you.” I didn’t know how I deserved his kindness, that I could never thank him enough for. It was a mystery to me why colonel Sanders of all people cared so much about me, he was my superior after all but somehow a really good friend too over the years since I arrived here for the first time after I enlisted and got promoted to serve in Delta Force.

“Thank you, for everything, commander.” I thanked him and he took another step and brought me in a hug, being mindful not to touch my back.

“We’re all here for you. They never cared for someone as much as you, so whatever he has to say, at least hear him out. They’d never deny you, you know that.” Damn him for always knowing the right words to say, like him. To find even the smallest crack in all of the walls I had build up around me and get right through without any effort. To contain the monster within, wallowing in its own darkness, only waiting for spilling blood again and its next kill to satisfy its need to destroy.

“I still need to talk to Luc, Mick and Alex about it. They don’t know yet.” I spoke into his body but still clear enough for him to understand.

“They’ll understand. They’ll have your back on this too, like always.” Colonel Sanders encouraged me and stroked my right arm.

No more words needed to be said in this moment, both of us knowing everything that needed to be said had been already said and I was just enjoying the closeness of a person I could truly trust and relax for a moment.

“I better go and talk to them about it then.” I returned after a minute of comfortable silence and pulled away from him, meeting his gaze that had softened.

“You should. I know you can do it, I believe in you, Y/N.” A smile appeared on his otherwise emotionless face before he took a step back, grabbed the envelope and piece of paper and handed it to me before Sanders watched me leave after I gave him a quiet appreciative nod as goodbye that he returned.

Now I only needed to tell my team the news about the mysterious envelope. What would they think about it?

He would have wanted me to…

“Why can’t you just be here?” I said quietly to myself, thinking of our dead teammate while looking in the morning sky above me and waiting for the boys to show up. It shouldn’t take long for them to wake up since they were early sleepers just like me. Thanks to the army.

“Already awake I see!” I heard a voice behind me a little while later.

“Mornin’.” I greeted Luc as he came walking out of the boys’ bunks, giving me a wave.

“How are we feelin’ today? Got some sleep?” He asked as he stopped beside me with a smile on his face.

“You know, the usual. Maybe three to four hours tops.” I replied and looked at the bunks again, waiting for the missing two.

“Had any nightmares?” The man next to me followed up with another question, wanting to know if he needed to be concerned or not.

“I wish.” I replied dryly with a sarcastic laugh.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Luc couldn’t really make any sense out of my replies, but he didn’t know yet what I was about to tell them.

“I’ll tell you when the others are here.” I answered and tore away my gaze from the building to him.

He knew something was up then, not needing to voice another question.

“Already having fun without me?” Mick’s cheerful voice reached our ears not a minute later. How could someone be already in such a good mood in the morning? I’d never understand that.

“Someone needs to do your job when you’re not here, right?” Luc retorted and gave him a hug.

“So rude!” Mick commented and came over to pull me into a hug too.

“You know he doesn’t mean it.” I told him and returned his gesture.

“Still! You’re the captain here, you should do something about that!” He defended and pointed an accusing finger at me.

“Only up for a couple of minutes and already annoying people, huh, pendejo?” Alex finally showed up too, amused by what he had to witness that early in the morning.

“Oh no! Not you too! Shut it!” Mick turned around to face the last missing man of the team, feeling already offended by his comment and started their bickering from anew.

“Make me.” Alex challenged, throwing him a middle finger while he walked toward me and hugged me like his brothers, before he did the same with them.

“Good morning, you okay?” He asked quietly when he pulled me in, giving me an affectionate kiss on my right temple.

“Yeah.” I replied with the same volume. Relieved that I had my three most important men around me now.

“I have to tell you something.” I announced when they were finished with greeting each other.

“Uhhh! So you finally wanna admit to us that you got a secret boyfriend?” Mick joked with a grin, nudging me.

“I already told you, no! There’s no one and there never will be one, Mick.” He really couldn’t let this go, could he?

“Come on, Y/N. Don’t be like that! Who wouldn’t want to be your man? I mean, I wouldn’t say no, if you’d ask me.” He continued, being the optimist he was. How could he even think that someone would want me? Someone so broken and fucked up? A literal monster in any sense of the word? Hell no, I didn’t want to burden anyone with all my shit. I didn’t deserve anything but to suffer alone in my own personal hell forever.

“Whoa, whoa! Stop right there, hermano. She’d never voluntarily ask you to be her boyfriend. Not that she’d be interested in your annoying ass anyway.” Alex cut in his friend’s speech, crossing his arms and puffing out his chest to appear more threatening. Not in a real serious way tho, those three were best friends for a lifetime and would always stick together, no matter what.

“You know I can hear you over here, right?” I spoke up while both of them had a staring contest with each other, no one daring to give in.

“Just ignore them if they are not interested in what you have to say. You can tell me, I’m listening.” Luc said, giving me his full attention.

“You know we can hear you, right?” Mick repeated my words from earlier questioningly and narrowed his eyes at him.

“Not my fault if you don’t listen what our girl has to say.” Luc shrugged with his shoulders.

“Not listening? Pfff, he’s the one talking all day, not me. Don’t drag me into that shit.” Alex quickly defended himself.

“You can actually be grateful that I tolerate your ass here. But fine, what’s so important that you gotta tell us, Y/N?” Mick shot back at the Spanish man next to him with a glare before he too shifted his attention toward me.

“The stuff that’s in the envelope you gave me yesterday.” I answered with a serious tone, getting straight to the point and pulling said object out for them to see.

“Did you read it?” Noticing my seriousness, Alex curiously wanted to know.

“Unfortunately, yes.” I answered with a sigh and shifted on my feet, looking to the side away from them.

“Another one of those cards? If you want I can-” Before Luc could end his proposition, I cut him off.

“No, I wish it was. But it’s far more worse.”

“What could be worse than those stupid cards?” Mick chimed in with a snort, debating if he should inspect it more closely.

“Something that was supposed to never show up ever again.” The boys exchanged concerned glances at that, their thoughts already running over all possible options. Not liking to hear those words coming out of me.

“Is it something regarding… Vic?” Luc very carefully asked after debating if he should even dare to voice out his question, knowing it was the subject I absolutely denied speaking of.

“Don’t mention his name!” I immediately snarled at him in a warning tone, gritting my teeth. He knew not to touch this and NEVER bring up his name in my presence.

“Okay, okay. Sorry, Y/N. I just wanted to make sure.” He had raised his hands up, apologizing for his mistake of bringing up our dead teammate.

“What is it then?” Alex was right beside me in an instant, joining our hands in between our bodies and rubbing soothing circles on the back of my hand. He knew my heartrate had shot through the roof already at hearing that name.

“Just look at it already.” Not wasting more time, Mick took the envelope from me without hesitation and read over the paper.

“Who’s S?” He curiously asked, trying to figure out in his head who that letter could belong to.

“S?” Luc repeated with the same confused tone and looked from the paper to his friend, thinking of all the people he knew or heard of in relation with me.

Letting out a long, heavy sigh I let go of Alex’ hand and crossed my arms while I closed my eyes, not wanting to see their faces after my revelation.

“Santiago.”

For a minute a heavy silence had settled over us and nobody said a word, minds racing with all kinds of thoughts about that name.

“Wait! Hold up!” Mick was the first to break it and practically shot out his thoughts. All of us looked at him, waiting for what he could come up with.

“Isn’t that one of them? From your old team?”

“Yeah.” I already regretted mentioning the name.

“And now he suddenly decides that he wants to talk to you?! After 8 fucking years?!” It was really rare to see Mick getting upset or even slightly pissed off at something but right now, his voice was making it clear how he felt.

“I don’t know what he wants.” I huffed and locked eyes with him.

“Does the colonel know?” Luc joined in, concern heavy in his voice.

“Yes. We’ve talked about it when I showed him this morning.”

“What did he say?” Alex’ voice sounded from beside me, finally saying something after being quiet way too long for my liking.

“He suggested hearing him out, look what he has to say.” I told them the short version of the conversation with Sanders.

“Yeah, I don’t think so.” Mick scoffed, shaking his head and shifting on his feet. He wasn’t onboard with the idea, it was written all over him. His now broader stance that showed his muscled body. The stance of a man that despite his cheerful and good nature knew damn well how to kill. This was business right now.

“You know that it’s her choice. You can’t deny her that, buddy.” Luc, always the voice of reason in the group of the four of us, tried to remind him.

“He’s right, hermano. It’s her choice.” Alex confirmed with a nod, sending me a reassuring smile that said I got you. Whatever you do, I’m with you.

Appreciating his gesture, I nodded back at him before I let my look wander over our group for a moment.

“He doesn’t deserve it.” Mick quietly grumbled more to himself when he turned around halfway, looking across the base with tightly crossed arms over his chest.

“What would you do?” I asked them, wanting to know what they would do in my place.

“Sending him back to the hell he crawled out of, obviously.” Looking back at me Mick seethed, because he knew and had to witness what I had to go through because of my old team. He never held a grudge against someone or even them but he hated if someone hurt me and he was just as protective of me like his friends and the colonel. So I understood where he was coming from and I hated myself too for even considering the idea of following the request of Santiago Garcia.

“We don’t know them and all the details, so I'm not sure. But I’d probably think about it.” Luc voiced his opinion, trying to remain neutral and grabbing his chin.

“You’re right. We don’t know what he wants but he must have a reason for sending you a letter after years to try and talk with you now. I hate to admit it, but I’d consider it too maybe.” The Spanish man of the group added his opinion on it too with a thoughtful voice.

“Are you both serious?!” Their brother Mick wasn’t very happy with their answers cause he had hoped, they’d be on his side with this, looking at them with wide eyes and raised eyebrows, turning his body around to them.

“It isn’t our call to make.” Alex reminded him again, that ultimately it was my decision to make and not them. It was my past I had to deal with. The consequences of the choices I made 8 years ago.

“Fine. But he hurts you again, he’s dead!” Mick threatened with a cold and deathly gaze straight in my eyes, pointing a finger at me.

“Okay. I’ll think about it I guess, there’s still time anyway. Thank you, boys. I really don’t know how I deserved you.” I thanked them in all honesty and tried to muster up somewhat of a smile toward them.

“Being the strongest girl we know. He’d be proud of you, Y/N.” Luc reminded me and brought me together with his brothers in a group hug.

“Damn right, she is!” Mick chimed in proudly, his mood already switched back to his cheerful one like nothing happened and giving me a wide grin.

“Sin duda. (Without question.)” Alex added and smiling heartfully at me.

It was decided then. I’d go to Florida and hear Santiago out. Face my past head on.

A/N: Uh oh. What do we have here?🫣There we go with chapter 2! We're slowly on our way to the boys now and I hope you still enjoyed the chapter even if it was more a bit of background story 🥰

I intentionally didn't make any more detailed character descriptions here but plan on adding them a bit later. Feel free to imagine them as you want or let me know if I should/ shouldn't include them :)

(Also since I didn't know what year we have in the film, I was just going with its release.)

And a really big thanks to all of you for the likes, reblogs and comment! It makes me really happy to know that someone's liking my story so far and it means a lot to me❤️‍🔥😍

Masterlist

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[babbushka]

Omg Kylo Indiana with his bullwhip and witty one liners would be the best!

He had always known, that something was different about him. From the time he was a little boy, growing up with just his mother -- when women who were with child but no husband were an outcast -- even from then, he learned to grow a thick skin. He had to, in order to survive being something of a social outcast.

Instead of spending time playing with the other kids in the parks, Ben Jones found himself a spot in the shade and did the one thing he always loved -- dug for treasure. 

Which is how he finds himself now, stuck upside down in some godforsaken cave in an ancient country, thousands of miles away from home, and absolutely soaking wet.

He was on a search for his father, Dr. Henry Jones Jr., not entirely sure why. To meet him, sure, but then what? Hug his old man? Give him a black eye? He didn’t know. He didn’t know much right now, not with all the blood rushing to his head. 

His father was supposed to be here somehow, somewhere. On an expedition unlike no other, that was his father. Maybe it was a stupid decision to chase after him, but well...Ben had been chasing after his father for twenty-something years. He only hoped that this time he would finally catch him. 

“Hey!” A voice calls up to him, curious and alarmed. 

“Great, here we go again.” Ben mumbles, as he braces himself for a barrage of bullets. 

The bullets never come, but the voice shouts again, “Who are you and what the hell do you think you’re doing up there?” 

Ben can’t really see much in the darkness of the cave, but the voice is that of a woman. And the hands that are grabbing at him are definitely not that of a foe. He tries to focus on her face, but her features are obscured by the dark of night, only cut by the blinding flash of a lamp. 

“What?” Ben blurts out, hating the stupidity of the question. He really can’t see shit, and it’s starting to piss him off, his ankles going numb by the way the rope has him swinging around like a monkey on a vine.

“I asked who you are.” The woman asks again, and in all of Ben’s frantic attempt to steady himself, he can sort of see her face -- and he’s stunned for a moment by her beauty.

“I’ll tell you if you cut me down.” He tries to smirk, but she doesn’t seem to be having any of it. 

“These traps are designed for blundering, idiotic thieves.” She replies with a shrug, and Ben frowns at the insinuation. 

“How would you know that?” He grumbles, his hands reaching for something, anything. There’s a gun in the holster on his thigh, and he starts grabbing for it, thanking his physique for allowing him to essentially perform a mid-air situp while dangling and spinning like an...well, an idiot. 

“Because I managed to avoid them.” She grins, and this only irritates Ben more. 

“What, do you want me to do a song and dance for ya?” He spits out between his teeth, alarmed by how pleasing he finds her laugh. 

“Really, it isn’t up to me to let you down.” She continues, “You’re charming but you still very well could kill us all.” 

“Us?” Ben perks up at the phrasing, ‘us’ means she’s not alone, that means that she’s with someone, maybe the exact someone he’s looking for. “Who are you -- a bunch of grave robbers?” 

He can’t see her very clearly, but he can tell the woman crosses her arms over her chest by the way the lantern swings, illuminating different areas of the cave they are in. 

“I don’t necessarily like the semantics of grave robbery, but I do suppose we are, in a sense. We’re archeologists, and that’s all you need to know.” 

“Let me down or I’ll -- ” Ben has had enough of the chitchat, enough of this banter, or whatever it was supposed to be, and finally has his hand around his gun -- 

Until something like thunder cracks through the cave and snaps the gun out of his hand, sending it spiraling to the floor. Something cracks again, and suddenly Ben is falling, his body hitting the hard cave floor with a heavy thump. He’s then hoisted up by the scruff of his collar, a man’s angry voice shouting in his face.

“I ought to kill you.” The man growls, “You don’t point a gun at a woman, kid, who raised you?” 

“No one really.” Ben bares his teeth at the new player in this bizarre little game, his head spinning from so long upside down. Being right-side up is almost disorienting for Ben, and really he doesn’t have time for this. “Now if you’d kindly let me go, I have a man to find.” 

“The Pharoah Narmer?” The man doesn’t let him go, in fact he shakes him a little too gruffly. If he weren’t literally holding Ben off the floor, Ben might be able to plant his fist to the man’s chin, but as it is, he doesn’t have the standing. 

“Narmer?!” Ben shouts, confused, before finally giving up with an exasperated, “No, I’m looking for Dr. Jones!” 

He is thrown to the floor, the man holding him with a wild expression of shock mixed with confusion. 

It dawns on Ben then, in a manner that sends a cold chill down his spine -- and not because he’s standing in a foot of freezing cold cave water -- that maybe, just maybe, his chase has come to its conclusion. 

The lantern is steady now, and he can see them both clearly. The man is older than the woman, but not much older than him. If he had to guess, maybe...maybe only twenty-something years older. 

Strangely, she puts his hand on the man’s shoulder in a comforting, soothing sort of way, as she looks at Ben and says with an odd sort of smile, “Well if it’s the doctor you’re after, looks like you’ve found him.” 

[sillywormz]

THEME OF BEGINNINGS AND ENDS YOURE SO RIGHT!!!!!

can we also briefly talk about poor fucking Sam lmao. he is Under Attack by creatures for most of the show. I also low-key. would have loved for kamen and Sam to talk. both of them apologize. maybe that's out of character but I just really wanted some resolution for them. i really like the thought of Ursula talking to him after he dies, she's alone in the captains room or whatever and just talks to him about what's going on. tell him "we're not leaving, but we'll survive"

also. consider. levi painting I think she would enjoy trying all sorts of creative hobbies but I Know her paintings would be stunning!!! AHHH OMG LEVI SINGING TO HER BABIES. KNITTING THEM LITTLE CLOTHES!!! whittling little toys.

sam is literally the show's punching bag poor fella.......... i loved sam sm he's a good guy he didn't deserve what happened to him :-( part of me still hopes that if there's a s2 he could come back somehow even though i know that's completely unlikely lol. i'll miss him a lot

a resolution between him and kamen would've been so interesting, but imo i highly doubt either of them would apologise. kamen is still probably too prideful to apologise bc apologising would mean admitting he's fully responsible for the mess they're in, and i don't think he's ready to accept that yet, or at least he wasn't while sam was alive. and given that kamen got them into that mess and has continued to do shit that makes things worse for everyone i.e., the hollow shenanigans, i doubt sam would see a reason to apologise to him or accept an apology from him........ maybe if they had some time where they were forced to work together and learn more abt each other they'd find common ground and make up but i think it's probably a dynamic that would've been permanently antagonistic, even if sam had survived 😔

I LOVE THE IDEA OF URSULA STILL TALKING TO SAM........ he was her only companion for months and i'd imagine it'll be hard for her to adjust to not having him around anymore. even though they weren't even friends before the crash they ended up relying on each other for survival after it, and imo there was even a spark of romantic chemistry starting up between them............. and then ursula lost him when they were so close to the demeter. i think sam was often a grounding presence for her and they did a lot of mutual mediating and helping for each other, filling each other's weak spots etc. it makes sense that she'd maybe ask him for advice etc even after he's gone, as a way to think through in her head what kind of decisions he might have made in the same situation.

I LOVE THE IDEA OF LEVI BEING AN ARTIST SO MUCH......... she already sings and composes her own music so it makes sense that she'd branch out into other areas as she explores her independence and sentience........... THE IDEA OF HER MAKING THINGS FOR HER LITTLE BABIES IS SO CUTE. i love the idea that even though she was originally just a robot and is still partly robotic, she'd do little kind nurturing things for her kids like other animals do for their babies. bc i guess she kinda IS an animal/organic being now. she's a whole new Thing altogether really, and her babies are the first generation of that Thing after her........ i'd love to see them interact with her more........

[coffeeandjoon]

🌓 Nocturnal Prince 🌓 | Chapter III - DPR Ian/Christian Yu x Reader | Werewolf Fic

← Previous Chapter 

Pairing: Christian Yu/DPR Ian x reader (nicknamed Vixen)

Chapter word count: 1.3k

Status: ongoing

Summary: Sometimes the most powerful of curses can be shattered by the strength of love. Or they turn someone into the cruelest version of themselves. The Prince of Avalon, Christian Yu, stopped believing a long time ago that one day someone would truly love him and break his curse. 

He’s a werewolf, roaming the forest close to Ravenswood by night, terrorizing and destroying everything that comes along his path with his pack of fearless werewolf soldiers. Everyone knows to stay out of the woods at night.

Meanwhile, in Ravenswood, Vixen struggles to be accepted as the "new girl" at college. As a fox shifter, that's not so easy, which is why she takes on the daring challenge of entering the forest at night and lasting until dawn. 

A night of fear and terror begins and soon Vixen is running for her life from a pack of wolves that hunt her without mercy. Much to Christina's chagrin, the fox shifter survives until dawn and escapes his forest. But not without catching a glimpse of him, which changes everything for both. He can't believe she's made it out alive and begins to feel a stirring within him that he hasn't felt in a long time – hope.

He starts to follow Vixen, watching her from the shadows, and slowly begins to realize that she might be the key to breaking his curse. As he watches her navigate the challenges of being the new girl in town, Christian starts to see that Vixen is not like the other shapeshifters and magical creatures of Ravenswood and breaks one of his most important rules: never seek contact with anyone outside his pack. 

Vixen’s POV

My body felt like it had been run over––my skull was humming, my limbs ached, and I felt strained muscles in places I didn't even know you could have muscles in. My sleep had been very restless, I had woken up several times expecting the dark-haired wolf-shifter to haunt me and ... and what actually? I did not really feel fear when I saw him in my dreams, more great curiosity and somehow still an inexplicable attraction.

I'm sure that's just because he's a wolf-shifter and was suddenly shirtless, I told myself. Hah. If I just told that myself long enough, maybe I would believe it.

The walk to campus was like running through thick fog, my thoughts just couldn't let go of last night, causing me to collide with a large hunk of muscle.The beefcake of a guy turned around slowly, my eyes widening, my hands clutching my backpack. Shit. Mr. Wolfie's big friend.

He looked down at me, a dangerous grin presenting his gleaming white teeth wandering across his hard features.

"I knew you'd come here, little fox," he said in a menacing tone that almost made me shudder. Almost. I wasn't foolish enough to let him know that he was unleashing pure horror in me right now.

That stupid smirk of superiority. I straightened my shoulders and stared at him with exactly the same sternness.

"I don't know what you're talking about, big guy, but you're in my way," I hissed and pushed past him, bumping into him with pure intent.

I heard his incredulous laughter and how he started moving to follow me. Stubborn jerk.

The beefcake quickly caught up and walked beside me with far too little distance. His voice sounded less threatening now, however that didn't take the intimidation out of his words.

"Listen, little fox. If it were up to me, I would have torn you apart last night, so take this as your last warning: get out of this town while you still can. This is no place for shapeshifters."

I paused, which also made him stop, and turned to him abruptly. "And what are YOU still doing here then?", I asked him cheekily. Just don't show any fear. I had learned that much in my life –never let your opponent know when you're about to pee your pants.

He snorted, his muscles tensing under the way-too-tight black shirt and his jaw cracking. Breathe, Vixen. He couldn't hurt me on campus, could he? Right?

The giant leaned down toward me, the subtle scent of wolf lingering. "This is absolutely none of your business. Just get out of here, okay?"

Then he straightened up and left with hurried steps. Well, that was one way to start the day. I watched him until he was just a dark dot among the trees that lined the green spaces of the campus, then he merged with the thicket of the forest.

"Well sweetie, how was the forest?" Tyra's sugary sweet voice brought me back to the moment and made the pent-up anger from last night boil up inside me again. So they all knew. I turned to her and there they all stood – Mingi, Puma, Tyra Yong, Sora.

I was about to suck in my breath and begin my angry tirade when Mingi held up his hands in a placating manner.

"Let us just explain this for a minute, Vixen, okay?"

When I said nothing and looked at them all expectantly, Mingi took a deep breath.

"We weren't quite sure if you were one of us," he said, and they all nodded in agreement. So they were shapeshifters too?

"Only members of the Eternal Darkness make it out of this forest alive. When you said you were studying the same subject as Mingi, we already had hope, but weren't quite sure yet. Forgive us for our dare, or whatever you want to call it, but we are always very careful before accepting new ones into our clique," Sora continued.

What. The. Hell. Members of the Eternal Darkness? I don't think I've ever heard anything more ridiculous, and I really had to pull myself together not to burst out laughing. But I decided to play along. I still knew too little to decide otherwise.

With a relieved snort, I brushed a strand of hair behind my ear. "And I was beginning to think you were kidding me."

Everyone broke into relaxed banter, and I had difficulty following their words, but smiled slightly to myself. Mingi swung his arm around my shoulders, and we walked together to the lecture hall.

Some questions followed about my night, whether I had seen the wolves, how many there were, how I had escaped them, and how many I had killed. Ah well. So that's what the Eternal Darkness is all about.

Mingi seemed to feel my tension because he quickly distracted. "Guys, let her digest the night first. I'm sure Vixen will tell us everything about it tonight at my house party. Right, Vix?"

I nodded. "Get ready for a thrilling story," I said in a conspiratorial manner, hoping they would take the bait.

Much to my relief, none of them seemed to suspect anything.

What the hell had I gotten myself into?

Christian’s POV

I couldn't help but send Youngwoo off to warn her. She should not stay in Ravenswood. No shapeshifter should be here. This cold war between the mayor and me should not involve innocent souls. Not anymore. I had made the mistake of calling for help once. The losses were too high.

I still couldn't get her piercing amber eyes out of my head. She had awakened something in me that I had thought had been buried. Something I shouldn't cling to because it was pointless. Hope. A little word that could do so much damage.

I wandered up and down within my four walls, nervously waiting for Youngwoo's report on whether she had taken flight in the meantime. Much to my surprise, she had not immediately packed her things and left, no. She had simply taken a shower and then fallen asleep.

No one in their right mind, who had been chased by my wolf pack shortly before, would do such a thing. Well, no one except foxes. Foxes have always been the most curious and brazen shapeshifters, and even if there hadn't been any for decades, that didn't seem to have changed much.

Youngwoo shoved my door open without asking and stomped in with heavy steps. Normally I would chide him for this, but he seemed enraged.

I crossed my arms and leaned against the stone windowsill. "Well?" was all I asked him.

I seemed to have struck a nerve with that, because Youngwoo snorted in annoyance and pinched the bridge of his nose before hitting the stone wall. As if this ancient castle wasn't already a ruin ....

"She didn’t back down and hangs out with these eschatology nuts," he scoffed.

Not even I had expected that. Either she had absolutely no idea what this town was about and how dangerous these freaks were, or she was damn smart. Either way, I was intrigued by her.

"What should we do about her now, Alpha?" Youngwoo asked, concern audible despite his displeasure.

"I'll keep an eye on her," I told Youngwoo, and before he could protest, I added, "I'm your alpha, remember?"

"All right, Ian ... but be careful. You've never lost control over your transformations before, and I don't want our pack to be without an alpha because of a worthless little fox," he muttered before he left the room.

"Maybe she's worth more than we all realize," I whispered to myself.

I spent the next few days following her and finding out how much she knew. As far as I could tell, she was a lost lamb in a lion's den. That was more than bad.

And the natural attraction I felt to her wasn't helping much either. At first I thought it was just my protective instinct as an alpha. Then I thought it was that bullshit thought of hope, but nope. It was my fucking wolf instincts trying to make her mine. Geez, make it make sense why a wolf would want to mate with a fox.  

[biggreenstache7]

Yeah

(for context)

YAY!! I'll keep this brief because i'm already planning on writing a huuuge txt file with all of The Lore I Have In My Head in case i never actually write it into a story but still want people to know more about my favorite guys ever BUT here goes a Nick Birth: This Has Almost Nothing To Do With SiIvaGunner

so the whole universe is like . just A World where robots are created and have been being created for ages to fulfill specific purposes like attack and defense and whatever . and in very specific instances either by contact with the outside world or pure chance they have like a really low chance of becoming sentient. this was never planned but at some point a few decades in people sorta start accepting it and treating them like. Normal Society Members. but the ride to that point is uber hard and the woodmen came to be like fairly early so they still had to deal with that shtick

ok worldbuilding over. nick himself was created on may 17th 1965 and in a moment where, because the factory he was made in was super fucked and where malfunctions constantly occurred, most of the robots made in that brief period came out broken right out the gate, and the ones that didn't were highly damaged, nick included. (hence his broken chestplate that he has no way of fixing)

Since the few robots that did "survive" could barely fulfill their designated purposes of attack if any at all, experiments began being ran on them to see if they could serve any other purpose, mainly that of defense and, most importantly, fire protection. this also went uber wrong and resulted in (atleast for nick) growing flowers sometimes out of her control and a weird sort of attraction to fire while still being Very Definitely able to be harmed by it.

so those were the first 17 years or so of non-sentience and robot shit and whatever until one day the factory was set ablaze in a freak accident of unknown origins and nick was one of the only robots to actually make it out, with that probably being the moment he gained his consciousness. then immediately fell from a great height into a trash chute and definitely forgot about anything that had happened to him for the past 17 years, having it only vaguely appear in dreams and such for the rest of her life and proto haunting her forever. tldr sentient robot whose factory was FUCKED UP

after that he spent a few years wandering the streets of new age (city that got 'turned' into grandiose city waay later on) fumbling jobs and just sorta living anywhere and everywhere and constantly trying to learn more about the world & arts & herself until Uno Dia wandered into a library where the dude who ran the place thought she could be like a janitor and that's where she stayed for the next like 2 years until actually becoming a librarian himself.

then also met john there not long later cause john was looking for law books and BOOOOOOOOO GAY PEOPLE GTFO 👎! you know the drill also it's 1989 . and ignoring the literal 30 years of story i have in the middle they are both in the here now. noooo way. somehow even as a tldr for the Absolute Origins this is pretty big. also it only actually merges with siiva in 2016 meaning that they have almost 30 years of history together before that LOL.. its a lot. but then in siiva uhhhhh i just pretended that she was there all along in like kfad2 and john just had her secretly working as a cameraman because he didnt wanna have to fill forms for a plus one and have to come out as gay in the process. and in spooktacular iii hes not there physically but john is always calling him like every hour and shit because hes clingy. as fuck. wahoo

so much shit i missed but that was sort of the point i guess. so #notsiivagunnercore

[hislittleraincloud]

...So I was just called a faggot near the end of mine and the baby's walk.

Yup...if I had to hear it, you have to read it.

Short (for me) story about it under the cut though, bc I'm posting pics of the canine.

I seem to have an on-sight polarizing effect on people, even though I don't even dress like I could be clocked as anything out of the ordinary: People either quickly gravitate towards me via animal attraction or they quickly decide that I'm somehow dangerous or a threat of some sort and thus I get one of either two reactions...they ignore me or they spew ignorance at me, often loudly. Silence vs. violence. It's always been that way.

We were almost done with our walk and were waiting at the street corner for the light to turn. There was one car at the light waiting to go towards the lake. I watched the gunmetal colored SUV's driver side window through the corner of my goggles because it was billowing weed smoke while he waited at the light. There were no other cars and no one else around. Just him, and me and my baby waiting on the opposite corner.

As soon as the light turned we started crossing and he started moving through the intersection but he leaned out of his window, said "Nice fucking dog, faggot!" Clearly and loudly. Young, barely even out of his mid-20s. I looked over at him as he did, even though he'd sped up. Once we got across to the sidewalk I double checked — he was indeed talking to me, as the sidewalks were still empty of other people and dogs.

My dog/baby is a little 7 pound pomeranian mix. She was bred for no other purpose than to be a companion to people (i.e. she's kind of a 'designer dog' mutt), so she was raised to be my support animal. She's sweet and cute as fuck, and brings a smile to peoples' faces (not that I care about that part... she's my baby). And she often does it by what she wears/what she gets dressed in (people misgender her and it's tiresome). Today she was wearing her Enid 1 jacket (she has a small collection of plush jackets, two are Enid Sinclair-like colored and one is black and white checkered "Wednesday" patterned, and she picks from them herself which one she'll be wearing on the walk).

It looks like this

I don't have pics of her in it but maybe soon she'll have a little fashion show 💀 She's the princess of our neighborhood.

And then I considered myself. What was I wearing to warrant that? I wasn't wearing anything that could even be construed as queer. New jean jacket over my Beetlejuice shirt, plain charcoal colored jogger pants. My 420 cap on backwards, my face fully masked (like in the Lords of Acid pics/video). My cane in my right hand, which is just plain black with a lucite handle.

What was I doing to warrant that hateful shit? Nothing. I was waiting on the street corner with my baby. Quite obviously needing the cane to walk with her. And somehow some asshole thought he would heckle me from his car with the f-slur.

Well okay then.

I don't know. I suppose I'm sharing this because even at 50 years old, even in the Bay Area, and an area in which there are queers everywhere, some asshole is going to call you faggot regardless if you even are one, and sometimes there really is nothing you can do about it except let it roll off your back. Words from strangers who don't know me don't affect me. I don't care what they think. I've never cared what they think. Why should I let such words hurt me? They're words.*

That's how I survived this long.

It's hard for me to accept compliments because the walls against hate are often impermeable towards love as well. Survival can be a trade-off, and sometimes we have to learn where the love is in order to let it in. It's even harder when I see that nothing's truly changed for us in the decades I've been alive. There are always going to be hateful people out there. You cannot just form a movement against it. People have the capacity for love, of course, but some people are just pieces of shit.

I guess that's why I pamper this fur child so much, because she doesn't have a hateful bone in her little body. If that makes me a faggot, then so be it.

She even rocks her Rowan glasses. She has a large collection of glasses/sunglasses. Hmn, okay that might be very, very 🏳️‍🌈. But she doesn't ever wear them outside. Maybe it's her pom quality? Short king with an Elle Woods dog. ...Maybe that was it....

[toraleistripe]

I JUST FINISHED SAW VI

OMFG

Y'ALL

Alright, so I think it's so interesting how John keeps making appearances in these movies even though he's, well, dead. OR IS HE?? I'm honestly not convinced he's dead, like, yeah they opened up his body in that morgue, literally removed his brain, but like, this is the Saw franchise, freaking anything can happen, maybe one of the big twists is that John's still alive somehow. If that's NOT the case, then I think it's really interesting that they continue to feature him in these movies despite the fact that he's been killed off. I like that we keep learning more about him though and his connections to the 'players' in his 'games'.

I was NOT expecting Agent Perez to still be alive, that was shock number one. I was convinced she'd been killed off, so that was quite a surprise. I feel even worse for Strahm now, he died thinking his partner was dead.

Hoffman is one slick son of a bitch, the way he just kept getting away with shit, good grief. And when Erickson and Perez had that woman analyzing the voice recording, I KNEW they were fucked, I got the feeling that they were getting suspicious of Hoffman and there was no way he was going to let them live if they found him out.

It was nice to see Amanda again, I was hoping we'd get to see her and Hoffman interact, that was neat to see. I wondered what their relationship was like while I was watching Saw V. I'm also glad to finally know what was in the note Hoffman left for her. Didn't expect Amanda to have been involved with Cecil the night Jill miscarried, that was shock number two.

Speaking of Jill, I've had my suspicions of her ever since her first appearance. Since she's John's ex, I wondered if she was involved wit everything going on, and apparently she IS. The more time she was onscreen, the more suspicious I got. I wonder if she's the one who's going to be calling the shots from now on?

AND did Hoffman survive the reverse bear trap?! I mean, his jaw was partially ripped open, so I don't see how he could've survived that, I guess it's possible if he's gotten to in time?? IDK, I suppose I'll find out in the next movie, maybe ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I was also SO wrong about who Tara and Brent were. I thought they were William's family, BUT NO, NO THEY WERE NOT FKGJDLKS it blew my mind that they're actually Harold Abbott's family, that was wild. I also thought William was talking to a girlfriend or something when it showed him on the phone in that one scene near the beginning, but he was actually talking to Pamela, his freaking SISTER, didn't see that coming either!

It was also fucked how Hoffman was using Strahm's severed hand to plant his fingerprints on shit.

I'm sorry if this post is all over the place, my mind has just yet again been BLOWN by a Saw movie and it's hard to get my thoughts together fkjgksdjskjd

Once again I sit here in anticipation for the next movie, eager to see what more is going to be revealed.

[mediocreauthor]

nana komatsu: how we surpass trauma to survive

tw: rape, sexual assault 

I recently wrote the way Hachi didn’t acknowledge or deal with her rape was one of the most realistic portrayals I have ever seen, whether that was Yazawa’s intention or not. 

Now you can say how Yazawa portrayed certain issues was wrong and potentially harmful for many young girls who read NANA and saw incredibly damaging behaviors brushed over or not even portrayed as bad. And you would be correct but this post isn’t about NANA’s affect, but rather story itself. 

The morning after Hachi’s pregnancy was revealed, which I consider as a turning point of the story, Takumi raped Hachi. I really don’t want to sugar coat or be poetic about this, he raped her. Now, I have been seeing some posts excusing Takumi’s actions therefore I will explain why this is considered as rape. 

In chapter 29, we don’t see Hachi explicitly saying no or fighting back, but hesitant and reluctant because Nana is right next door. Takumi first tries to convince her and when Hachi remains hesitant, what does he tell her?  “You should worry about making me angry.” I am paraphrasing but the message was this. Hearing this, Hachi gives up and people might think she ‘lets’ Takumi do whatever she wants therefore it’s okay somehow, it’s not. 

I read this somewhere and I want all of everyone to read it as well: A ‘yes’ only has value when someone is comfortable enough to say ‘no’. Hachi’s unwilling ‘yes’ means nothing because she was just very openly threatened by Takumi. Hachi, alienated from her friends, knowing Nana sees her as a traitor, Nobu as a cheater, Hachi who had no support for her baby, was given a clear ultimatum by Takumi, the only person she had by her side: if you don’t give me what I want, I will hurt you. You will be left alone. So she does. And then she doesn’t even acknowledge it as rape. She is angry and distraught after but it’s for the strawberry glasses and she just looks slightly annoyed with Takumi. That’s all. Where is that dramatic aftermath we usually see in media, where woman cries, breaks everything within reach then stares blankly at the ceiling?

Because most rape aftermaths don’t look like that. I am BY NO MEANS saying women whose experiences was as I wrote above as invalid. Most rape cases aren’t reported, we know that. But there is also a heartbreaking amount of women who can’t even decide if they have been raped or not. Women, who are  haunted by a certain memory but always pushing it to back of their minds.  I believe Hachi is one of them.  There is a high possibility Hachi was unable to register it as rape but we -readers can observe the effects of it through her behaviour. Hachi is terrified of Takumi. Fans give her so much shit for not contacting Nobu, even Hachi called it out of selfishness and no action is done with one mere emotion, but she also avoided it out of fear of angering Takumi. 

Hachi’s fear of him is displayed plain as day during Shin and Reira’s birthday party. Hachi knew she has angered Takumi by staying at the party, she even considers divorcing him and her inner monologue was pretty brave and promising. So what changed when Takumi knocked on Nana’s door? I would like to break down what for me, is one of the most disturbing scenes in NANA.

This scene right here, is a cry for help for someone who can recognize certain patterns in abusive relationships.

Hachi was in a good mood right before this scene, Nana even pointed out she was too cheerful for someone in the brink of a break up. However, at presence of Takumi, she immediately caves and apologizes for doing things without his knowledge while at the same time, still offering a way out. This way out isn’t for Takumi, it’s for her. I am %100 sure if Takumi said ‘okay go live your own then’, even though sad, Hachi’s predominant emotion would be relief.

She is terrified of Takumi. Hachi is unable to escape this unless he gives her an out. She regretted her ‘choice’ of being with Takumi the morning after but she had no one or nowhere to go. Now, you might think ‘she could’ve gone back to her parents!’ or ‘she could’ve lived on her own’ and I want to counter with: abused people’s mind don’t function like that. Even though you are somewhat aware that you are being treated badly, taken advantage of, it’s pushed way back in your mind. Your world consists of only you and your abuser, you can’t think of options simply because you don’t see any. 

And your abuser makes you believe what they are doing isn’t a big deal. They treat you with kindness right after abusing you while not acknowledging their behavior to leave you disoriented and unsure about the weight of what you have experienced. What Takumi did to Hachi was exactly that. So what did she do? She surpassed it and moved on.

‘I didn’t allow it for the sake of our future, but because I wanted to escape the terror and anxiety of that moment’ Read this sentence over and over again and process it. If I read one more take about how ‘what Takumi did wasn’t that bad compared to other NANA characters’ I am going to fucking slap them with this panel. Hachi learned that disobeying Takumi is pointless. She allows it even when considering separation, why? She is paralyzed by fear.  Because she tried to object Takumi once and learned her lesson. Obedience is so much easier than what you might face with your abuser. You bend and cave, do everything in your power to avoid their wrath. It’s safer.  Admitting that you haven’t received the best treatment from someone who is supposed to cherish you is an act strength by itself. I do not blame any victims of abuse who don’t want to admit or process their trauma. It’s hard, it’s terrifying and frustrating. Being able to process your trauma is a luxury most women don’t have. Hachi doesn’t have it with a belly up her nose at the age of 21. She is in a vulnerable position and don’t think even for a second Takumi isn’t aware of it. 

Next day, Hachi greets Takumi by the door as usual. Their home life becomes pretty stable since she takes all his micro aggressions,  his snarky comments and belittlement with slight annoyance, still with humor. Because the other scenario is losing herself. She surpasses her trauma to maintain her sanity. 

Why do I love this? 

Because a lot of women do exactly this. A lot of housewives who stick with their husbands despite years of abuse, young girls with their boyfriends do this. Because I read NANA at the age of 14 and didn’t even understand what Hachi went through but rereading it at 23, with what I have seen made me sob. Whether Ai Yazawa’s approach was irresponsible or genius I don’t know. But I took something valuable from it and if any minors or young adults especially are following me, I want them to recognize these patterns and behaviors too. 

And what should never be done is to take this tragic coping mechanism and turn it into an excuse to diminish your favorite rat boy’s behavior. You can keep saying what Takumi did wasn’t bad based on Hachi’s reaction, be aware it’s a survival instinct, not nonchalance.   To sum it up: Hachi is a survivor and what she lived through was just as sad and tragic as other characters, and  I am fucking sick of people invalidating it because she coped with a smile.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

i love your metas! I just discovered them today and have spent all afternoon reading them. I have two part ask, if that's okay. Firstly, do you think a sensible version of bella could survive if she recognised early on that keeping on Edward's good side was her only survival option? and secondly, on the flip side, just how unhinged do you think bella could be before edward rejected her?

Ooh, both interesting questions, anon. Let's do this.

Sane Bella and the Yandere Simulator

Last time, on The Carnivorous Muffin's ridiculous blog, we covered what would happen to a sensible Bella who realizes the Cullens are not fluffy bunnies she should take home.

The long and short, Edward eats her.

Edward's romantic interest in Bella, the thing that has him fighting his own baser nature to keep her alive, is dependent on a few things.

One of those is Bella's interest in turn.

In time, if Bella truly was not interested in him, he would eat her. Alice tells us there's only two paths for Bella: death or vampire. Leaving her and walking away is never a true option for Edward.

So, Sane Bella loses Yandere Simulator because she doesn't realize the key aspect of Yandere Simulator: You Never Say No to Yandere.

However, you point out something interesting here, that this is a sensible Bella.

Sensible people do not immediately think they're playing Yandere Simulator. You don't run across people like Edward often, there aren't many of him, and while there are red flags early in Twilight Edward did a pretty good job of making them not particularly visible.

By the time we hit Eclipse he's pretty much thrown pretending to be nice and sane out the window. Luckily for Bella, that doesn't appear to bother her as much as it should.

Bella thinking "if I don't play along with this inhuman whack job he'll eat me", is paranoid lunacy. It is not the first conclusion a reasonable person would jump to.

That it happens to be the right conclusion is irrelevant.

But alright, I'll play ball.

Paranoid Bella and the Yandere Simulator

Bella is utterly paranoid and wearing her tin foil hat when she enters Forks. She remembers Biology very well and when Edward comes back and pretends to be nice she gives him a strained smile and thinks, "This motherfucker will eat me the moment my back is turned."

Bella considers travelling back to Florida, but that would be leading Edward to her mother, more it would be very easy to find Bella if he truly wished to.

Florida isn't an option.

Bella tries to keep her distance from Edward, hard when he sits next to her in Biology, but he seems willing to ignore her. Bella calms down a little, maybe this will work out.

Bella is nearly crushed by a van, desperately pretends she definitely did not see Edward fold that van like a pretzel. Nope, no siree Bob, Bella is concussed! She then stays awake all night in terror and OH GOD HE'S CLIMBING THROUGH HER WINDOW! HE'S GOING TO EAT HER IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT! HE KNOWS THAT SHE KNOWS!

Bella pretends to sleep, horrified, and Edward stays there all night. Staring.

(Edward, meanwhile, is realizing he's in love.)

Bella enters school a nervous wreck, waiting for that fateful Biology class and... Edward is studiously ignoring her. He doesn't even say hello.

Bella would be relieved, except he keeps sneaking into her bedroom at night, staring. Bella gets no sleep for weeks.

Then the blood testing happens and suddenly Edward is talking to her. He tells her they shouldn't be friends and he doesn't want to be friends, GREAT, EDWARD, THAT'S GREAT. But then it's very clear that he's after something, and Bella's spidey senses are tingling.

Edward doesn't want to be friends.

Oh, oh shit.

Suddenly, Edward sneaking into her room at night takes on a whole, new, sinister twist. First he'll rape her, then he'll eat her (or who knows, maybe vice versa, Bella certainly doesn't want to find out).

Bella is driven home by Edward (he insists) and enters the house to wheeze into a paper bag.

She thinks over her options.

Edward can crush cars, Bella trips over asphalt. Even if she wasn't Bella, there's no way she could outfight him even if she wanted to.

Edward was very concerned when he suspected that she knew, he likely still suspects and Bella's not a very good liar. Bella doesn't want to find out what happens to her if Edward realizes she really does know.

Edward appears to have a romantic interest in her. Does Bella really have the option of saying no?

Bella, still wheezing in her bag, comes to what seems like an inevitable decision. She must humor Edward at all costs. For the sake of her family, of her own life, she must play into his romantic overtures. Bella can't act but now, her life depends on it.

Well, Bella still can't act, but luckily for her Edward doesn't care.

Edward just thinks Bella's very jumpy, a little nervous and shy, and just plain weird (given he thinks Bella's just plain weird in canon this is not too far from normal events).

So Bella gets to live in terror for things like the meadow, where Edward talks about how easy it would be to eat her, how he contemplated murdering Biology in cold blood to eat her in the most efficient manner, how he loathed her for daring to smell delicious, how Alice warned him there was a good chance of him eating Bella in the meadow today, all while pressing his cheek against her hammering heartbeat.

"AH HA HA HA HA, EDWARD, YOU'RE SO CHARMING."

Edward invites Bella to the house. These creepy, man eating, people all meet her with smiles. Edward has composed her a lullaby. One of them, Alice, tells Bella they're going to be best friends.

"AH HA HA HA HA, EDWARD YOUR FAMILY IS SO NICE."

In other words, somehow, all of Twilight still happens because Bella is terrified of saying no.

At least, until Volterra. Given Bella's being hunted by Victoria, even had Bella not gone cliff diving eventually Alice would see her eaten and then black out as the wolves chased off Victoria instead.

Bella spends New Moon having a great time. Mostly. The Cullens are finally gone, she's free, she spends weeks on edge thinking they might come back.

Just when she starts to relax, fucking Laurent shows up and learns Victoria's trying to kill her. Because of Edward, because of course, it's always about Edward. WHY ARE VAMPIRES ALWAYS TRYING TO KILL HER?!

Regardless, Alice shows up and goes, "Bella, my god, you're alive!" And Bella dies inside. Alice Cullen is back. Oh no.

Bella pretends she's thrilled to see her. Alice, her best friend, her favorite demon. Hurray. Alice fills Bella in on the New Moon scoop, Bella pretends to be very invested. Then Alice gets the vision.

Edward has decided to commit suicide via the Volturi.

Bella has no problem with this, unfortunately, she realizes that Alice clearly has a problem with this. Alice fully expects Bella to run off to Italy to save Fucking Edward.

Once again, Bella isn't sure she's allowed to say no.

Bella runs to Italy, finds herself saving Edward's life, and then she's brought before the Volturi where she might very well be executed because Edward Cullen happened to involve her in this mess.

BELLA NEVER WANTED TO BE HERE.

Bella snaps. She's crying, she just can't take it anymore, and she finally loses her shit at Edward. SHE NEVER LOVED HIM! HE IS SCARY AND WON'T LEAVE HER ALONE! IF THEY'RE GOING TO KILL HER JUST DO IT NOW BECAUSE SHE CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.

Aro watches Bella's mental breakdown in utter amazement. Naturally, while Marcus suspected something was funky with those two, Aro did not see this coming from Edward's perspective.

Aro offers Bella her out, it is unfortunately death or vampire, but vampire is very much an option and Aro will offer Bella sanctuary in the Volturi.

Bella takes that offer and runs with it.

Edward is devastated and blindsided.

Somehow, neither he nor Alice saw this one coming.

But to answer your question: Paranoid Bella survives Yandere Simulator By Defecting to the Volturi

How Unhinged Does Bella Have to Be For Edward to Dump Her?

He won't.

Remember, Edward in canon thinks there's something legitimately wrong with Bella. She doesn't think like normal people, she always makes the least rational choice, and he can't hear her thoughts.

Edward doesn't think Bella's gifted just that she's... different. (Bella, hilariously, immediately picks up that Edward's calling her a freak. Edward backtracks hard on that one.)

Bella's decisions also become increasingly ridiculous as the series goes on.

She stabs herself in the middle of a battle, she insists on having sex with him while human, she consorts with shapeshifters (to Edward this is lunacy), she picked up motorcycle riding, she threw herself off a cliff, she ran from his sweet protection to the reservation, she believes he doesn't love her, and she doesn't want to get married.

I imagine Edward thinks there isn't anywhere left for Bella to go. She's left the planet, unhinged is her middle name.

But none of that matters.

I already linked the Edward/Bella post I always link near the top so I'll just recap. For Edward, it's all about the blood, the silence, and the projection.

An unhinged Bella is still a delicious and silent Bella. He can still pretend she's Carlisle.

Even if Bella became addicted to cocaine, and ruined that sweet scent, it wouldn't tarnish her memory. He'd nurse her back to health, then eat her so she never relapses.

That's the trouble with Edward/Bella, it's not about Bella, not at all. You could replace her with sweet smelling cardboard and Edward would not notice a difference.