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tsumuniri · 4 years ago

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━━━ Atsumu Miya is a free-loader. Living inside his twin brother's home as if it was his, he would bring home girls and annoy Osamu most of the time. Y/N L/N is quite the opposite apparently because she's a virgin loser. Being the popular anonymous BL mangaka known as Yamazaki, she stays in the homey abode of her parents and watches boys from afar for references (not for admiration sadly).

Now what will happen if fate decided to tie these two idiots together and made them live across each other in one apartment?

。m.list ❯❯ prev┃next

ONE ━━ THE TWIN BROTHER’S DECISION

"SO THAT'S THE TEA?"

You nodded dejectedly and raised the Tuna Mayo Onigiri in the direction of your mouth. You bit into the delicious rice snack, humming in delight as the saucy and sweet flavors of tuna cheered you up just for a slight bit. "They said that a girl my age shouldn't be living with her parents and should finally get a guy instead of drawing an imaginary one. You know that they're old school, Mai." You said, mouth full of rice bits and tuna.

The female ran her fingers through her short bright red hair. "Well, you are 25 now, and you haven't got a boyfriend since middle school," She propped her elbow on top of the round wooden table, resting her chin on her palm. "But they should've told you beforehand, right? How are you supposed to look for a residence in a short span of time?" She asked and watched you devour the onigiri meal with such ease. Her black-colored eyes held an uncertain expression as Mai was concerned for her colleague and friend.

After hearing the unfortunate news directly from your loving parents, your mind had to process the sudden information for two solid minutes. The first person you thought of to call is your closest friend, Mai, your roommate back at art school and a mangaka in the shounen industry. Although the two genres have completely different backgrounds, you two are stuck together like peas in a pod through the grace and glory of fawning over 2d men.

Ain't that great?

"They said I could stay back for two weeks until I could find a place to move in. I still have nine days to move out. And as for the residence part..."

You rummaged through the leather bag slung over your shoulder and took out a creased brochure of a newly built apartment based in the heart of east Osaka with its breathtaking cherry blossom conifers and pious shrines. The leaflet's minimalistic design delineated the idiosyncratic architectural structure of the tall building on the front page. Anybody could tell that this jointly owned establishment may settle for tenants with stable incomes.

For someone who changed the BL archives with her plot-driven works, Y/N could provide the fees to rent a homey room on the clabber-plastered apartment complex.

Mai shifted on her seat and studied the brochure on the table with interest— crossing her legs and leaning her torso forward to get a full view of the given pamphlet. "The building does seem promising. You could even check out your works in the Manga Shops at the city." She remarked as her eyes skimmed through the brochure, taking note of the facilities and rooms for the future tenants.

"Right? I already checked the place out yesterday, and coincidentally, the studio office is close by," The H/C-haired female pushed back the tiny strands of baby hair tickling her forehead as it was annoying her smooth skin. "They even allow pets. The apartment buildings I visited mostly don't allow pets, and the others who do, they have weird-ass tenants whom I don't really wanna be neighbors with." She ended, scratching the back of her neck.

"Soooooo, that's the apartment you're planning to move in."

You nodded your head, "I prepared the papers and told my parents about it. Maybe you can help me move my things out?" You suggested to your friend as your leg overlapped with the other, biting into another piece of onigiri from the porcelain plate.

Tilting her head to the side, Mai let out a light scoff from the BL mangaka's proposition as she gestured her hand downwards. "I'm offended, Y/N! Of course, I'll help you." She expressed her whimsical disbelief through her words. "I thought we were best of friends." The young lady teased.

"After all those collab fan arts of the Akatsuki, why wouldn't we be at this point?" You joked; however, the shinobi anime reference wasn't technically a gag as you both had a history of fangirling over the smexy criminal organization— even if you both had a peculiar taste in men. "By the way, why did you choose this place? Isn't this sort of far away from your workplace?" You questioned the red-haired female, a bit curious on why she decided to meet up with you in this Onigiri Restaurant.

Mai's lips turned up into a smirk as she motioned her finger for you to move closer. "My assistants and I decided to eat here after a hard day's work. By the time we were all seated, our eyes got blessed when the restaurant's owner catered to our table!" She whispered with excitement dipped on her tongue.

"Oh boy, if you had seen him, you would've gotten the inspiration to make a character from his well-sculpted face."

You raised a brow and let out a snortle, "We went here because a hot owner caught your attention? I should've gone with you then." You played along and couldn't help but laugh at your friend's reason for dining out a distance away from her studio office.

Like middle schoolers, you both giggled as Mai continued her story of the dashing Onigiri restaurant owner with her witty play of words. You never had any interest in dating; however, you still bid no mind to your friend's fawning over pretty men who would unlikely pay attention to either of them.

"That owner you're talking about might not visit his restaurant, Mai."

"I know, silly! But I do wonder what that work of art does outside his work."

Osamu is a very patient man. May it be through his responsibility of running an Onigiri business, or may it be just a simple waiting in line at the subway station of Tokyo, the male wouldn't lose his temper nor be frustrated over such trivial things.

But when his exhausted figure slugged inside the comforts of his home and found the living room all trashed with empty bottles of energy drinks and bags of chips, Osamu was finally at his breaking point.

"Atsumu, you mother-fucker... COME DOWNSTAIRS THIS INSTANT!" He burst out, calling out his twin brother's name as he began picking up the trashes scattered throughout his coffee table and his lawson couch. His ears caught the sound of loud footsteps thumping on the wooden-tiled floor as he could immediately tell that it was a certain someone who came down the stairs.

A bed of ruffled blonde hair popped out of the stairway as a certain setter casually jumps into the scene of the untidy crime, walking towards the other twin with open arms.

"Welcome home, Samu! Did your staff make a mistake in the newly-opened shop back at Shinjuku? You look a bit frustrated right now-"

Atsumu stopped himself once he noticed his twin brother standing over the mess he forgot to clean up. His arms dropped to the side while his chocolate eyes shifted over to Osamu's annoyed expression, "Okay. This time, I absolutely forgot to clean up." The male tried to explain himself.

The quiet one of the two shook his head in disapproval, sighing out and pinching the bridge of his nose to calm his fiery nerves. "I found this apartment, Tsumu. I think it's best for the both of us if you could finally get your own place." He stated, hearing the slight choke coming from his brother's throat.

"WHAT?! What made you think that this would be the best for the both of us, Samu?" Atsumu protested, his eyebrows furrowing together in confusion as to why his brother would suggest that sort of idea.

Osamu raised his hand and lifted three of his fingers to his twin's eye level. "First, you sometimes disrupt my sleep whenever you'd bring your flings at home," He stated and didn't bother to let the other speak their mind about the issue at hand as he continued his statement of reasons. "Second, you'd sometimes forget to do your lists of chores and often lie that you didn't do them because you were tired from training." He paused for a moment, thinking of a third reason until it clicked in the back of his mind.

"Lastly, you're a 23 professional athlete, who makes a lot of money than what I usually make, and yet, you're living with your twin brother."

Atsumu stared at Osamu as he crossed his arms, "So? You'll kick me out if I don't move out of your place?" He derided, his voice mostly holding a hint of teasing as he knew his brother wouldn't act so rashly over those reasons.

Oh, was the male so wrong.

"Yes, Tsumu. I'm kicking you out."

#haikyuu x you #haikyuu atsumu #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu!!#atsumu is a cutie #atsumu fluff #atsumubrainrot #atsumu fic #atsumu x female reader #msby atsumu #atsumu miya #hq atsumu #sakusa kiyoomi #msby sakusa #msby #miya osamu #ishiwrites #haikyuu fic

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lokis-army-77 · 4 years ago

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If You Please

Chapter three

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Word Count: 1994

I'm bad at writing descriptions, so this is basically a reader insert into The First Avenger and then we'll see how it goes from there.

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The afternoon passed quickly and soon it was almost time to go to bed. I was sitting in a chair, reading, in the living room. Steve was sitting in the chair to my left, drawing away in his sketchbook. For as long as I could remember growing up, Steve had wanted to become a comic illustrator. When we were younger he drew small comic strips about the adventures Bucky, himself, and I would go on. They were always fun to read, but then the US entered the war 3 years ago and Steve stopped drawing all the time and focused on trying to join the fighting. He even got Bucky to help train him at the local boxing gym in the afternoons. Now he only drew when he was anxious or if something was on his mind. I knew if I asked he would just deny it and put everything away.

“I’m off to bed Stevie. Don’t stay up too late,” I yawned. I placed my bookmark in between the pages and quietly pulled myself up from my chair. Steve followed and gave me a short hug.

“I won’t, I’ll probably head to bed here in a few minutes. Thank you for helping me pack today,” he said quietly.

“You’re welcome, I’ll see you off in the morning. Goodnight.” I headed out into the small hallway and into my bedroom. I got myself ready, turned off the bedside lamp, and then crawled into bed. The day had been fast but exhausting. I let my eyes close and my mind drifted to thoughts of Bucky on the ship headed to Europe. Was he okay, did he miss me yet, was he alone? I knew he would be fine, but I prayed anyway. I prayed that he would come back to me safe and sound. I also thought of Steve and how he would be going off to training. I knew Dr. Erskine had some plan involving Steve in Project Rebirth, but I just hoped that he knew what he was doing and that Steve would be safe.

Project Rebirth wasn't something to take lightly. We were creating stronger, faster, and better soldiers. Steve had no clue what he was getting himself into and even though I couldn’t tell him I was involved with this project yet, I would be by his side each step of the way.

Finally, tiredness overtook my worried thoughts and I drifted into a deep, dreamless sleep.

The next morning started like any other, I woke up to the jarring sound of the alarm clock by my head. After stretching I got out of bed and walked to the bathroom to wash the sleep from my face. The warm water helps to wake me up. When I was through with that I made my way into the kitchen to start making breakfast for myself and Steve like always. I had just placed the bread in the toaster when Steve strolled groggily into the room. He went over to the counter where I had placed our bowls of cereal and grabbed one. Then he walked over to the table to take a seat. When the toast was ready I put the pieces on a plate and took them over to the table after grabbing my cereal bowl. Steve grabbed a piece of toast off the plate and slowly started to eat.

“You look like you’re about to pass out, did you even go to bed like I told you,” I questioned him and took a few bites of my cereal.

“Yes, I went straight to bed a few minutes after you did,” he replied while glancing up from his cereal and through his lashes.

“Well, the dark circles under your eyes prove otherwise. You won't be able to stay up late and sleep in after you move into the barracks.” He shook his head and kept eating. “Well,” I started with a sigh, “I’ve got to head off to work in a few, I can walk you as far as the subway.”

“Thanks, It would be nice if you could come with me but I know you can't take off on such short notice.” I smiled at him and we continued to eat our breakfast in peaceful silence. After we finished I went to grab the empty dishes but Steve grabbed them before I could. “Here, let me. You go get ready.” I thanked him and went on to get ready for the workday.

When walking to the subway Steve and I cut up and joked like we always did. It wasn’t until we were almost at the subway stop that we became quieter. I grabbed Steve and pulled him into a tight hug.

“I’ll see you later. Try not to get into too much trouble during training,” I joked before pulling away.

“I can’t guarantee that but I’ll try my best not to. Have a good day at work, and remember to lock the door when you get home, I know you forget to do that at times. I won't be there to lock it behind you if you forget.”

“That was one time, but I’ll remember to check it before I go to bed. Now go or you'll miss your ride.” I watched as he walked away, I waved to him when he turned around to me. I stood watching until he walked down the subway stairs. After he was gone I started on my way to the recruitment office, which was just about three blocks away.

It was a peaceful walk, the city was starting to come alive around me as I went. Women and men on their way to work and children on their way to school. The recruitment office was slowly coming into view, I could already see a line of young men standing from the door and down the sidewalk.

Once I made it to the building I maneuvered my way through the crowd of boys and headed to the back office where a short old woman sat at a desk sorting through some files. She looked up at me and smiled while she said, “Beautiful morning, do you have the time?”

I responded quickly with the other half of the code phrase, “Unfortunately my watch has stopped at 4:18.” She nodded and reached her hand under the desk to press a tiny button that would unlock a secret door that was hidden behind four large filing cabinets. I quickly headed in before anyone could come into the back room. The door closed softly behind me and locked back into place. I continued to walk down the dimly lit hallway until I found the women's locker room. Part of keeping the secret of working for the military was that I had to keep my uniform in the hidden base and change into it when I went into work.

After quickly changing into the uniform I left the locker room to go to the elevator that was directly at the end of the hall. I pressed the down button and the doors opened up. While inside I pressed the third level button and waited for the elevator to jerk to life.

As the doors slid open onto the third level basement floor I saw many people running around the yellow-lit hallways. I walked out into the hallway and was greeted by Agent Peggy Carter, who was walking towards me from the meeting room to my left. “Morning Carter, what's on the agenda today,” I questioned.

“Good morning Rogers, I believe today you and I will be going to Camp Lehigh to scout out the new recruits for Project Rebirth. We will be helping with their training starting before lunchtime today.” She kept walking as she explained the plans for today, I followed closely behind her.

“Then we should get to the car, it is almost nine,” I noted as we kept going through several corridors to the garage. “I have some things to tell you as soon as we leave.” Peggy nodded but kept quiet. After about a minute of walking, we made it to the large parking garage. It had been built under the secret base as a quick getaway escape or just a way to move discreetly in and out of the city. Some of the tunnels that were connected to the garage went on for several miles. The one we would be taking surfaced only a few miles away from Camp Lehigh.

As we reached the car, Peggy and I both opened our doors and slid into the back seat. A young army man was already in the driver's seat ready to drive us away. “What is it you wanted to tell me about earlier,” she asked.

“Do you remember me telling you about my older brother Steve?” I questioned while looking over at her.

“The one that keeps trying to enlist? I remember.” She nodded her head as she spoke.

“Yeah, that's the one. Well, yesterday he told me that he’s been recruited, and by Dr. Erskine. So that means that he is going to be one of the candidates for Project Rebirth. He has no clue what my job actually is, but with me being heavily involved in this project, will it be a problem? Are there any protocols that need to be followed?” She shook her head and let out a soft chuckle when mentioned Dr. Erskine. Then she looked out the window and seemed to think for a minute.

Turning back to me she said, “There isn’t any protocol that I can think of, other than that you have to treat him exactly like you would treat the other recruits. This is a sort of gray area because of your heavy involvement with this project over the last several years and the fact that Dr. Erskine himself chose your brother to be in this program.” I slowly nodded my head as she continued. “That being said, If we encounter him, I would give him a small explanation of why you are there without giving him any information about the project, and that while he is there in training, you are his superior, not his sister.”

“Okay, thanks. That's what I was thinking but I just wanted to ask you just in case. When I see him I’ll pull him over to the side and explain.” I paused for a second and lifted my hand up to grab at the necklace I had been wearing. Dangling from the small chain was a dainty art deco style ring, which once belonged to Bucky’s mother. I turned in between my fingers and watched as what little light there was, bounced off the small square diamond in the middle. I placed it back under my blouse. “James left yesterday with the 107th, I still haven’t said anything to Steve.”

“You’re going to have to tell him eventually, it will be better if it’s sooner than later. Since James is his friend he shouldn't be that mad. Trust me, I know from experience.” After saying this she looked out her window and for the briefest moment, I saw a look of sadness go across her face.

“I know I should tell him, but Steve has it in his head that James is someone who isn't going to settle down anytime soon.”

“That’s probably because neither of you has given Steve reason to not believe that James is that way. He’s your brother and he trusts your judgment, if it doesn't go over smoothly just give him time, he’ll come to realize that you and James love one another, and there really isn't anything he can do about it,” she stated matter-of-factly. “Here,” she handed me a small stack of manila folders, “look over these. They’re the files on all the project recruits.”

I opened the first folder and started to skim over the information and thought this was going to be a long drive.

#james buchanan barnes #bucky x y/n #bucky barnes #bucky x reader #bucky x female reader #bucky fic #bucky fanfic #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x rogers!reader #winter solider x reader #marvel fic #marvel fanfiction

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missnxthingg · 5 years ago

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hiii, loved your last angst request! could you maybe write one where the reader and peter were best friends, and they both like each other, but are too shy to tell the other, and after something happened between them, they grow apart but they are still habouring feelings for the other? i don't know if you understood it haha

A/N: Uhmm, I think I understood your request, but I don’t know if this is what you wanted. I created the whole story based on what you liked, but created a whole new thing out of my head, aaaand I hope you like it!

Words: 6.7K

Warnings: swearing, mentions of sex, angsttt, and some fluff in the end.

Pairing: Peter Parker x Best Friend!Reader

masterlist | main blog | gif source

IT WAS JUST A MISUNDERSTANDING

It was six o’clock when your alarm woke you up, and it’s been a long time since you last got up this early. One of the perks of being on vacation was to wake you at any time you wanted to, but now that it was over, that meant that you needed to start waking up early again. It wasn’t something you liked, but after this month home, you need to start doing things you don’t really like. For example, you took your shower and got ready for school just like you always did, and while you were finishing packing everything you needed for classes, you heard a knock on the door.

“Good morning darling.” Your mom got her own head inside your room and smiled.

“Morning mum.” You smiled back and finished packing your stuff.

“I’m so sorry my love, but I have to leave earlier today and can’t make coffee for you, or lunch. But there’s money over the couch so you can buy something to eat.”

“Okay, thanks mum.”

“Hey, but maybe you could find Peter to have lunch with you today.” Your chest ached at those words, hearing his name still was very difficult for you.

“Mom, I told you that I’m not friends with Peter anymore.”

“I know darling, it’s just… I miss you too together.”

“I miss it too, but we have to deal with the fact that he’s not my friend anymore and won’t ever be again.”

“Don’t say such thing.”

“It’s the truth mom. But I’m sure I can get MJ, or maybe Betty to have lunch with me. Don’t worry, honestly.” She gave me a sympathetic smile and waved goodbye.

“Bye, my dear. And I promise we’ll make a nice dinner to repay you today.”

“Okay, see you later mom.”

Not having you mom to do you breakfast was something you used to like a lot. That meant you had to find somewhere else to eat, which meant breakfast at the Parker’s apartment, or maybe the same old coffee shop across the street you used to go with your best friend since you both started high school. But now things were different, and you didn’t have anyone to have breakfast with.

It didn’t take long until you were out on the street, glancing at the two coffee shops you knew. On your left, the one where they had good coffee, but it was too expensive and wasn’t worth all that amount of money. On you right, the one you were used to always go with Peter, but after the fight you two had, you didn’t feel like going in there right now. And you still could remember the last time you had breakfast together.

You woke up excited that day, knowing it was the last day of classes and that later you would have a party to go to with you friends. The first thing you always do in the morning is checking your phone for texts or anything, and there were many of them. One from your father wishing a good day at school, one from MJ trying to start a debate on a book you were both reading, one from Betty wanting to know what you were going to wear for the party, but only one caught your attention and made you smile.

Pete: “Hey, good morning! May isn’t driving me to school today, so breakfast on the coffee shop? My treat.”

You: “Good morning Pete. Of course! How could I deny free coffee?”

One good thing about living in the same building as your best friend is how easily you could go down two store by the fire escape on your bedroom window, and meet them at their apartment. And today you decided to go with a beautiful black dress that made you feel so comfortable and pretty at the same time. Today had everything to be a very awesome day. You knocked on Peter’s window and he opened up in seconds, smiling right after he saw who was it.

“Morning dumbass.” You greeted with a smile and he helped you come inside.

“Morning.” He kissed the top of your head and watched you fix your dress. “Wearing a dress for school, that’s new.”

“I’m trying new things today. And also I want today to be a very good day. We have a party to get to and our last day as sophomores. It’s gonna be awesome.”

“Chill, (Y/N). It’s just an ordinary day.”

“Yeah, but nothing is gonna break my day.” He smiled of how cheerful she was being, and pulled you into a side hug.

“Come on, we’re gonna be late if we don’t hurry up.”

You two sat by the same booth in the same old coffee shop, turning on the building you live and letting the good coffee scent fill you. Peter ordered your coffee, just because he knew your regular by heart, just like you knew his. It didn’t take long until he took the seat in front of you, with a small grin on his face, pushing the coffee towards you. For a second, you could take him in, just because know you had the time. He was wearing the blue flannel you gave him once just because you thought it would look pretty on him, and he had shaved, considering that it was just yesterday when you said he needed to do it, because his facial hair was starting to look gross on him. But the way he focused on adding only one teaspoon of sugar on his coffee, and two on yours just how you liked it made him look even cuter than usual.

“Why are you staring at me with a smile?” He furrowed his eyebrows and you smiled widder.

“I’m just glad to be here with you. Thank you for the coffee, Pete.”

“Anytime, (Y/NN).”

Now when you think about turning right every morning, you turn left, going inside the other coffee shop. It was much emptier, and it smelled different, and felt different. It didn’t feel like home at all. It wasn’t a place where you had memories and cherished them so much, and somehow it would always draw you back there. But it’s a new start, and you needed to make the new coffee shop feel like home. You now sat at the table by the window, and you opted on drinking tea instead of coffee. New habits, they suck! But they are necessary, and that’s why you’re doing it. But it doesn’t warm your heart up like coffee, and drinking it alone makes you feel so lonely, more than you ever felt in your life. But you were positive that today was going to be okay, and you would make everything to be sure it would.

So you took the subway, just like any other ordinary day, and soon enough, you got out of Queens and were in front of Midtown High, watching everyone meet again with their friends, sharing exciting stories about their time away. You never did it on first days, just because you usually met with you friends all summer, but this time you didn’t, and you didn’t have any friends to go to and talk about your days away from that place. You wanted someone to talk about how changing was, but you didn’t have anyone you trusted enough to let them listen to you rambling for long. The only person you had was the one that made you want to change.

Instead of meeting Peter and Ned by the parking lot behind school, you went straight to your locker and organized your stuff before class started. Everyone was talking excitedly on the halls, and you still managed to listen to all of it without crying for feeling so lonely. So you put on your earphones and walked quickly to class, sitting in the back, where you used to sit with Peter.

“It’s because I can see everything that’s happening around me from back here, that’s why I sit in the back.” You used to say to him when he questioned why you like to sit in the back so much.

You watched the classroom fill with familiar faces, none interested enough to talk to you. Soon, some more familiar faces started to appear. Betty got inside holding Ned’s hand, since they started dating and since your fight with Peter, she stopped talking to you, just because Peter was Ned’s best friend, and this was an act of loyalty for her boyfriend and his friends. But she gave you a small smile, which you ignored, since you like to show very clearly when you were upset with someone. MJ came in right after, just being the same old MJ. She said hi to you, which you said back, and sat in front of you. She’s always been nice to you, and you worked a lot together in projects, but never been that close, even though she knows too much about your life.

It was almost when the bell rang when Peter came in. He looked different, but still the same. He was wearing the same old jeans May gave him for his birthday, but today he was wearing a new blouse, a dark gray one, that popped the necklace you gave him a long time ago, and somehow, he didn’t take off, even after all of that time. He’d let his hair grow a little bit and maybe he was a bit taller? Your eyes met with his, and you both froze, not knowing what to do. He pressed his lips together, waiting for a response, but you looked away, glancing down to your own notebook, where you wrote “be fucking strong, or else…”.

Seeing Peter again brought back so many happy memories, that the progress you had on forgetting about him over the summer went to space once you laid your eyes on him, not paying one second of attention to class all day. The only thing you wanted to do was jump on his embrace and tell him you were sorry, but still, what you were sorry for? He was the one who ruined everything at that party. You didn’t need to feel sorry at all.

You were almost ready for the party. You and Betty had agreed that today was going to be epic, and that today was the day you both were going to confess your feelings for your crushes. So she suggested that you both dressed up nicely, and took a shot of courage (tequila) and spilled it out. She chose what you were going to wear, which was a tight black skirt and a lace bodysuit, with a denim jacket over it. Totally sexy, and would be good enough to impress a guy like Peter. Even though you knew that he was a simple guy and wouldn’t need much to impress him, but you wanted to feel sexier, so you could feel more confident.

“Is this hot enough, Pete?” You asked the boy sitting in your living room watching an episode of a cartoon he liked, when his eyes focused on you, widening and making him choke.

“Very hot indeed. Why are you dressed up like this?”

“To impress someone. Also, to cause chock on everyone there, just like I choke you.”

“Well, you’re doing a good work.” He nodded and you laughed.

“I just need to apply some lipgloss and I’m ready.” You said returning to your bedroom and he followed you there.

“Can I know who are you trying to impress?”

“Nope.” You popped your mouth on the end of the word and glanced at him. Thank God, you were an extremely good actress, and wouldn’t give anything away “Just some guy I’ve been wanting to kiss for a long time, but don’t worry Pete, I’ll always be yours.”

“You better be.” He smiled and glanced at your neck from the mirror, seeing you were wearing the necklace matching his. “And yeah, I think I’ll also ask Liz if she’d kiss me.”

You turned around, furrowing your brows at him. You never knew that Peter ever wanted to kiss Liz Allen, a senior that just graduated and would go away very soon. A tiny bit of jealousy hit you like a train. Even though you would deny it until death, it still was Peter’s name carved into your heart. That completely shattered your plan on making a move on him You knew you weren’t going to work out, that’s why you shoved those feelings deep inside you, never letting them pop out eventually, but still, it was undeniable that your heart races every time he’s around.

“I didn’t know you liked Liz Allen.”

“I kind of do, for a long time now. I mean, she’s pretty, and she’s moving away in a month, so this might be the last time I get to kiss her.”

“You should go for it.” It hurt you to say that, but you knew you couldn’t hold him back, it’s his life and you couldn’t hold him back. “I mean, I can’t see the point why a girl would turn you down Pete, you’re amazing.”

“No, I’m not. I’m just a dorky nerd that fantasizes about having something with the most beautiful and popular girl in school.” That stinked like alcohol over an opened bruise.

“Peter, you’re the most amazing and beautiful guy I’ve ever met. If she turns you down, that means she’s an idiot and doesn’t deserve you.” You rested you hand over his chest and he pulled you into a hug.

“I love you, you’re the best friend in the world.” It took you a second, but you threw your arms around him, hugging him tightly.

“I love you too Pete, so much.” He kissed the top of her head and pulled her by the hand.

“Come on, May’s waiting for us downstairs.”

May was always like a second mom to you, and always found a way to make you smile. She was listening to some old disco songs while waiting for us. She drove us to the party listening to hits like Super Freak or Boogie Wonderland, and singing to it with all of her lungs. You loved when she did it, and sang along with her to some songs you knew the lyrics to. But you were more excited about getting to the party.

Flash Thompson might be a pain in the ass and a show-off, but he really knew how to throw a party. It was awesome, with good songs playing, lots of foods and drinks, and nice people. Everyone in school was there, including Liz Allen, a senior, the hottest girl in school and, unfortunately, Peter’s crush. He smiled at her when their eyes crossed and the jealousy said hi to you again, making your hand tighten your grip around Peter’s hand. You were relieved when you met with MJ and Ned, glad they would be an ice breaker and that you had your best friends there to have fun with you.

“MJ, I loved your dress.” She smiled at you. Sometimes MJ knew how to be more opened to people.

“Thank you (Y/N).”

“Ned, I told you to get rid of the hat.” Peter said to his best friend and (Y/N) made an angry face to him in disapproval.

“Shut up Peter. Ned the hat is great, keep it on.”

“Do you think Betty will like it, (Y/N)?” He asked with a sparkle on his eyes.

“I’m sure she will Ned. Now I’m gonna go talk to her.” You pointed at the blond girl talking with Harry Osborn in the corner and smiling at you, catching your attention. “Excuse me.”

“Hey (Y/N), you look super hot! Loved the outfit! And I’m sure you’re gonna break hearts tonight.“ She smiled at you once you approached.

“The only heart I wanna break tonight belongs to Liz Allen. But I’ll find something else to do. Anyway, say nice things about Ned’s hat when you go over to talk to him. He’s really hoping you like it.”

“He is?” Her eyes sparkled and you laughed.

“Oh God, I hate when people are in love.” You turned to the table full of drinks and prepared yourself a gin and tonic just to get you started.

“Says the girl who’s been in love with Peter Parker her whole life.” She spilled and you choked. “And you know, I don’t think he really likes Liz."

“Of course he likes her. She's… perfect.” You sipped your drink and looked to Liz dancing with some friends, being totally flawless

“Come on (Y/N). You know I’m a very observant person, and nobody can hide anything from me. You should make a move.”

“Well, I won’t, because he likes Liz.” You turned to her. “Also, we’d never work, he’s my best friend. He knows me like the palm of his hand.“

“Exactly.” You rolled your eyes and walked away, leaving Betty alone.

“Not something I want to discuss tonight Betty. I’m already hurt enough. But maybe I’ll find something fun to do.” You glanced to Harry Osborn having a drink all across the room, and smiled to him. “Or someone to do.”

You walked to towards him, and he somehow noticed your staring and smiled back, waiting for you to arrive and talk to him

“Harry… It’s so nice to see you here! Didn’t know that those from the Upper East Side hanged around the suburbs.“ You smiled confidently and he shrugged.

“I don’t mind hanging around here, (Y/N). And you look so pretty tonight.” He smiled and pulled you by the waist. Harry was one of the prettiest guys in school, and every girl wanted him, but not everyone could get him. He was very reserved, but somehow, he was always opened to you.

“Does that mean I don’t look pretty the other days?” You played and he shook his head no.

“Of course not, you always look pretty.” You blushed at what he was saying. “Hey, wanna see the beautiful view from Flash’s balcony?”

“I’d love to.” You followed him around, not before looking around for Peter, regretting it ths moment you saw he was on his way to talk to Liz. That hurt, a lot. You knew that this night would be a game changer on any sort of relationship you hoped to have with Peter, but you went on with Harry.

Harry Osborn was really pretty. His dark locks were dreamy, and his smile was perfect, also, he was a real gentleman. He always knew what to do to make a girl fall for him, but still there was something missing in him and you knew exactly what it was. He wasn’t Peter. Even though you tried to deny it, he was all you could think about, but right now, all you wanted was to have fun, and if you didn’t go get some with Harry, you would have to watch the love of your life after the girl he actually likes, which is not you.

When you last saw it coming, and after two drinks or maybe a bit more, you were sitting in Harry’s lap on a bench in the corner of Flash’s balcony, making out with him in the dark. He was a good kisser, maybe the best kiss you ever had, but still, just like before, there was something missing. But in that moment, was all you needed. Once you two were tired enough, you got out of his lap and pulled him to the dancefloor. You both danced together for a long time, to every song Flash played, and everything was going great. Harry had his body glued behind you, and his mouth was kissing your neck while you swayed to the song. But your eyes opened for a moment and met with Peter kissing Liz intensely by the food table. Your whole world dropped, and suddenly you weren’t enjoying yourself anymore.

“Excuse me, I need one more drink.” You said to Harry, walking up to the drink and making another gin and tonic, which you knew you get you much more drunker than you already were. It’s a strong drink and you knew it, but you drank it anyway, which resulted on you vomiting on Flash’s equipment, ruining the music and in consequence, the whole party. Betty helped you get out of there and found the closest bathroom to help you.

“Say something that will cheer me up Betty.” You asked her and she smiled.

“I have a date with Ned.” You smiled weakly, happy for your friend.

“All I wanted was Peter liking me back.” She caressed your cheek and nodded.

“If you want to, we can talk about it when you’re sober.” A knock on the door interrupted their conversation.

“Betty, it’s Peter, I wanna talk to her.” You nodded, letting her open the door, getting out so he could talk to you. “(Y/N), what were you thinking?”

“I’m sorry Pete, I didn’t mean to get this drunk.”

“No, I mean. Harry Osborn, really?” He furrowed his eyebrows and locked the bathroom door. “I thought you had at least some loyalty to me. You know, I can’t stand him.”

“Well, you were with Liz, so why does it matter? I don’t like her either.” You rolled your eyes and leaned against the wall behind you.

“Still, it shouldn’t be Harry there, it’s just… wrong.” He leaned against the sink and you sighed.

“Why is it so wrong to be with him while you’re out there sucking some other girls face? You like Liz, and I like Harry, so that’s it.”

“Why him?” He asked.

“Why her?”

“That’s not fair, you know I like Liz.” He threw back and you gasped.

“What? I didn’t fucking know until today Peter. You kept something from me, and I stayed quiet. So you don’t get to say a fucking thing about what I did. And you know, if you’re not here to help, maybe you should go away.”

“Yeah, maybe I should.” He said, opening the door.

“And don’t fucking worry, Parker. I’m sure there’s people that care about me that will make sure I get home okay.”

“Good.” He shot back and you didn’t see him again that night.

“Miss (Y/L/N), can you answer this question for me?” The math teacher asked, getting you out of the transe you got into.

“X equals 0, and Y equals 1.”

“Wrong, we’re not even in that exercise. Pay attention to the class, miss.”

“Sorry sir.” He nodded, turning to Peter, sitting in the front.

“And you, Mr. Parker. Can you answer the question miss (Y/L/N) didn’t get right?” Peter shot his head up to the board and thought about it for a little bit.

“The limit does not exist.” He answered and the teacher rolled his eyes.

“Quoting Mean Girls is not getting the answer correctly, Mr. Parker. And I don’t know what kind of problem you and (Y/N) have, but I’m very pissed that you’re not even listening to me.”

“Sorry sir, it won’t happen again.” He answered and the teacher nodded, continuing with the class.

Lunch was harder than the rest of the day. You decided to eat alone, since no one talked to you all day. During that time, your book was your best friend, still, you couldn’t pay much attention to it. Somehow, your attention was always brought to Peter having a great time with Ned, who had his arms around Betty’s neck, and MJ, who even dropped her book to laugh with the rest of the group. You missed them, and still, it was sad to know that they didn’t talk to you anymore just because of Peter.

For the first time after a long while, you felt the urge to cry your heart out, and that’s what you did. You skipped the rest of classes, hiding yourself at the parking lot where you used to skip class with Peter and Ned, to curl up and have a good cry. Things turned upside down just because of a kiss, and if you could go back to that night, you would just rather had stayed home to have some pizza with your parents, May and Peter, and maybe have a board game session with them. Everything would be fine now.

You remembered every moment with him, putting your whole heart out through tears and finally giving up on them once you felt too tired and lied down on the floor and slept over your backpack. You hated when you cried so hard you felt the urge to sleep, and it was stronger than you. Suddenly, you were dancing in your dreams, with Peter watching you with those beautiful brown eyes.

“(Y/N), wake up.” Somebody shook your body, and you could recognize Ned’s voice. “Why did you sleep right in the middle of the parking lot?”

“I just felt like it.” You shot your eyes opened and sat straight again. You look up, and saw that Ned wasn’t alone, and Peter was a few steps behind him, but not looking directly to you, which made your heart sink even more.

“Were you crying?” He asked and you shook your head no.

“No, it’s just… I didn’t sleep last night, and this is the only place I know I can ditch and don’t get caught.” You shot your eyes to Peter, and right now he was looking at you, but pretending not to care.

“Are you really okay?” Ned asked again and you nodded.

“Yeah, I think I’ll just head home. Thank you for caring, Ned.“

It was easier to walk away now, and to not expect something from Peter, but you still had to be very brave to do it. You stood strong, but couldn’t wait to get home and die over your bed. It was something you used to do when everything went down, and you remember your mom coming in one day, so worried about you, and you two shared a talk that really helped you.

“I can’t believe I fucked up this badly with Pete, mom. I saw things ruining out of my plans, and fucked it up.”

“I know that’s not true, but you felt like it, and I know it hurts you so much now. But you’re not alone, even if you feel like it right now. You have so many people that love you, and that including Peter. Maybe he just needs some time to see it.” She caressed your hair and you smiled.

“I hope it’s soon mom.”

“Yeah, me too.”

But again, that day, you cried yourself to sleep again, maybe a little bit too early, but still you did it, going to bed without a single thing to eat. Your parents went off to some dinner with friends and you stayed home alone, and that gave you time to just be alone for a while. But you were woken up late at night with some knocks on your window. You looked over and a masked figure was standing in your fire escape. You rolled out of bed and sat by the window, opening it up.

“(Y/N), help me.” Spider Man had his hands over his stomach and his voice was weak.

“Peter, what the fuck!” You pulled him inside and helped him lie in your bed. “What happened?”

“I have a really bad bruise on my stomach. Was too distracted.” He leaned back and got his hands off the wound, letting some blood spill.”

“Stay still, I’ll get my first aid kit.”

You ran to get your kit, and returned in the blink of an eye, finding Peter almost passed out in pain, now without his mask on. You removed his suit with a single press on the spider on his chest, leaving him only with his underwear. You cleaned the blood and saw that the wound wasn’t too deep, but needed some stitches. You learned how to do it over time, just to help him. You’d stay up through many nights worrying about Peter, and sometimes he’d sleep over just because he was too bruised to go home. It didn’t matter what he did or how mad you were at him, if he came to you for help, you would do anything for him.

“You never get distracted.” You told him while you were piercing his skin with stitches. There were times where he’d hold your arms with strength to try to control the pain. Tonight, he has holding your sheets tightly.

"The guy was too strong.” He breathed out when you finished stitching him up. “And he had a knife, but I took him down. He’s not gonna bother anyone again.”

“What kind of bad guy was he?” You asked, aa you used to do every night he came over for some nursing.

“Mobster kind of bad guy. I’ve been trying to take him down for a month now.” He adjusted himself in your bed and you helped him remove the rest of his suit. He finally took a good look at you, analyzing every detail of your body now that he wasn’t blinded in pain. You had dark circles under your eyes, and they were puffy and slightly red. You were wearing one of Peter’s hoodies, that you loved to use with only your panties over it. His right hand reached for your hand and he caressed it.

“Peter, why are you here?” You asked, finally trying to get a answer to the questions that’s been on your head since the knock on your window.

“You were crying today.” He said, glancing down to his hand, drawing circles on the back of your hand. Even though he was the reason you cried all day, he still managed to calm you down only with his touch. You shut your eyes closed for a second, but soon they shot open, and you looked away.

“So?” You furrowed your brows, and pulled your hand away from his grip.

“I worry about you.” He said, a little upset that she was pulling away from him.

“Since when?” You let out a laugh, but the angry kind of laugh.

“Since always.” He shot back almost immediately.

“It didn’t seem like you care. It’s been a while since you last directly looked me in the eyes. And still, you don’t seem like you can look me in the eyes.”

Peter took a second to look around the room. It was different from the last time he was there. The picture wall you used to have with photos with all of your friends was gone. It only had some post-its with notes, lost in the now white wall. He noticed that you weren’t as organized as you used to be. Sometimes, he’d climb up to your bedroom to hang out and ended up teasing you about being too organized. But now your books weren’t organized by color, or by genre. And there were clothes all over your room, your bed wasn’t made, and you had notebooks opened all over your desk. But there’s still one thing that hasn’t changed. The small Spiderman action figure over her desk.

“Why now Peter?”

“I wanted to talk about that party.”

“There’s nothing to talk about. You were with Liz, and I was with Harry, and honestly, I think you are pretty happy now with her.”

“What? I never dated Liz. We made out once, and that’s it.”

“I thought you liked her.” You whispered, almost praying for Peter to not listen, but he did. Oh, he always found a way to capture your voice.

“I did.” He paused, and glanced at her, who was now looking down to her hands, being held by his. “Well, I thought I did. But there was always something missing, and I didn’t know what it was.”

“You know, what you said to me that night really fucking broke me, Peter.” You broke into tears, and tried to wipe it with your only free hand, since he couldn’t let the other go. “I thought you had my back, and I was so drunk. I only hoped that you would have helped me, but Betty was the one who got me home.”

“I’m sorry. I was so blind by jealousy.” He let some tears escape like you, but now he couldn’t look at you anymore. Peter prefered to glance down to her hands full of rings, including the one he stole from May when they were little just to give it to her. She was always wearing it. He touched it and smiled. “Hey, look at the ring."

"Why were you jealous?” She ignored him, even if her emotions were all over the place

“Because all you did that night was to impress Harry, and I hate his guts. I wish you were there to have fun for yourself, and maybe hang out with me.” He glanced up and was now staring at her soaking face.

“And just because of that, you completely shut me off your life?"

"I did it to try to forget about you. And honestly, it never worked, and I thought that maybe I would try fixing things up now that we were back in school, but I got so hurt tonight.” He glanced down to his belly, and she touched his bandaged wound. “Baby, I saw so many bad things tonight, and I really thought I was gonna die before talking to you ever again.”

You froze at the nickname. He never called you baby, except for the times he had woken up extremely flirty, which happened sometimes. But tonight it was different, and it was like he really meant it. Maybe it’s because it was the first time he ever called you something cute in months.

“I was almost passing out in pain once the guy stabbed me, and all I could think about was you. If I had died there, I would be gone and you would never know how much I love you."Your heart ached, and warmed up at the same time. You wanted to kiss and slap him. But all you did was let go off his hands and stand up, walking away from the bed.

"If you love me so much as you say, why did you say those things to me that night? Why did you leave me there alone, vomited and crying? You try to hide behind your jealousy Peter, but you know that’s not gonna work with me.”

“I deeply regret doing that, cross my heart.” He stood up, so he could be in the same level as you. You crossed your arms and looked outside the window. Anywhere, but his eyes. “And I was the biggest idiot ever to even leave you there, all alone. But I was so hurt that I didn’t even want to look at you.”

“How did I hurt you that night Peter?” You finally looked back to him and he was only wearing his underwear, his suit sitting on your bed. And God, how much you missed that body, even though you never really had it. His eyes were blood red, and some tears were forming on his water line.

“Because you fucking made out with Harry Osborn!” He shot angrily, and sat down in bed again.

“You were with Liz! You had someone, I had someone. Big deal…”

“It’s a big deal to me, because it shouldn’t be Harry there, it should have been me.” His statement made you shut up and try to process everything. You leaned back into your desk and rested one hand over your chest, which was pretty sure about to explode. “God, (Y/N)… Do you know for how long I’ve been in love with you? And seeing you with him was the most heartbreakful thing in the world. Not because it was him, because after a long time I realized it could have been anyone in his place, I would have reacted the same.” You were speechless, trying to come up with a reply, but all you wanted was to take in everything he was saying.

“So why didn’t you make a move on me first? Why didn’t you kiss me that night Peter?” He sighed and looked down to his hands, fidgeting his fingers over his knees.

“Because you said in this very room that you were trying to impress someone, and in my mind, it could have been me, but I wasn’t sure. But I woke up that day hoping I’d finally kiss you in the party. I looked for you, everywhere, but when I found you, well… Let’s just say you were strandling Harry’s lap, and I was pretty sure you were having sex right there by the moviments you were doing.” You rolled your eyes and shook your head.

“You really thought that was the way I was going to lose my virginity? Please…” You sighed and approached the bed again, sitting in front of him. He now finally looked at you, but not directly to your face. “And you know one thing Peter, I only got with Harry because before we left this very place, you said you were going to try kissing Liz Allen. When I saw you talking to her at that party, I thought my plan had gone to shit! And Harry was there, making a nice conversation with me, and we hooked up. Big fucking deal! When I got back you were making out with Liz anyway. And that’s why I got trashed in first place.” You pointed your index finger at him, spilling everything out for once.

“I only kissed her because you kissed him. I never really wanted it. I mean, she’s pretty and for a while I had a crush on her, but this was so many years ago. You were the only person in my mind ever since we met, and once freshman year was ending, I realized you were the one I truly liked.”

“This is such a bunch of misunderstanding! You never communicate! You could have come talk to me the next morning, but you prefered to completely ignore me the whole summer.”

“I was really focused on getting that guy. I was so busy with my Spider duties. But now it’s over, I realize I only did it to keep you out my mind, and it didn’t work. And I don’t want to fight anymore, because I’m so hurt, in every single way. What happened tonight was horrible and all I wanted was to hold you.” He hugged his legs and hide his face there.

Now’s the time you have to be strong, and put all your principles and pride behind to support the one you love the most, and now that you knew that he loved you back, it hurted even more. You had some stuff to get through, but now you had to just be with him. So you sat closer and rested one hand on his shoulder, making him look up almost immediately, face soaking and red eyes. You moved your hand to his cheek and caressed it.

“We need to talk more about that night. And I needed to get it all off my chest. But right now, I need you to be alright.” He rested his face against your hand and closed his eyes, giving a small kiss on your palm. He sat straight and you sat on his lap, pulling him in your embrace, resting his head on your chest, and you resting your chin over his head.

“I’m so so so sorry baby.” He whispered. “I’m sorry for everything. I missed you so much! I love you.” That’s what he wanted to say to you all night, and you let him. Right now, you couldn’t be mad at him. Maybe later…

“I love you too.” You kissed to top of his head and he tightened his grip around your waist. “Come on, let’s get some sleep, we’ll talk tomorrow.”

You got out of his lap and lied in bed, under the covers. Peter lied behind you and pulled you closer to be the little spoon. In that moment both of you knew it was going to be alright. You only needed to talk some stuff through. But when the other needed you the most, there’s nothing you wouldn’t do to make them better.

…………………

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icarusatmidnight · 6 years ago

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Novel Prep Tag!

I was tagged by @indecentpause to do this, so thank you! I get a bit distracted yesterday watching a certain music video and looking for pictures, hence why it’s a little late~ :D

Rules: Answer the questions and then tag as many writers as there are questions answered (or as many as you can) to spread the positivity! Even if these questions are not explicitly brought up in the novel, they are still good to keep in mind when writing.

1. Describe your novel in 1-2 sentences (elevator pitch)

Three twentysomething year old insomniacs attend an informal late night support group to deal with their magical trauma, or maybe become gods? The wording is pretty unclear.

2. How long do you plan for your novel to be? (Is it a novella, single book, book series, etc.)

I'm still not honestly sure. When I think about it, I always personally break it into Act 1, Act 2, Act 3 but I'm still not sure if those will be just acts with a single book or something more. o:

3. What is your novel’s aesthetic?

Modern magic, mundane magic, runes and signals littered as graffiti in subways, redcap blood drives on the weekend in the park, friendships are rad, failure as a positive, that good old city night life, curling up in diner booths at 3am because why the heck not, found families and getting better

4. What other stories inspire your novel?

The Raven Cycle by Maggie Stiefvater, definitely! I had this hazy vibe and the character for Icarus before reading those books but seeing how ...matter of fact and mundane magic was described in the books just clicked something in my head. I ended up tossing out the old half-plot it had, and by the end of month, I had this new one and much much happier with it. :D

Also, the Serenity Rose comic book series. I have a thing for near-god characters that still have really relatable issues and just want to live their mundane life. It's one of favorite ...tropes, I guess, and that series does it great. It also deals with growing past your trauma (working through your negativity, so to speak~) so, yeah! It's free online too and I'd highly recommend it. Fair warning though, second book is a fair bit bloody at times.

5. Share 3+ images that give a feel for your novel

I will always love this gif and the whole scene in MIKA’s Make You Happy video (the whole video really) but the playful vibes of dipshit friends is like, Icarus’s core to me. ( ´͈ ◡ `͈ )

Also, just... a lot of Hydrae’s art especially her old Teen Wolf fanart (like the bottom left picture). Fun fact! I first created the concepts of Oleander and Daed when I was watching the first season of Teen Wolf, so seems pretty fitting I still draw inspiration from one of my favorite artists from that time. Her DnD art is amazing too! :D

MAIN CHARACTER

6. Who is your protagonist?

Oleander Thistle is the main-main protagonist~.

7. Who is their closest ally?

While he dearly loves Kingcup and Thyme, his closest ally is Daed and he will always be. They're known each other the longest at this point and Daed does have Oleander's best interest at heart and can look out for him without overstepping his boundaries either.

8. Who is their enemy?

I want to say Lund because it's Lund. But he doesn't really feature in the story outside of mentions and flashbacks, so it's probably easiest to say shitty societal stigmas and shitty coping mechanisms on a whole??

9. What do they want more than anything?

Oleander ...wants to know more about himself and his past especially how he survived losing his heart back when he was like six. He has some theories that make sense, but he's lacking some good hard facts about that. Not knowing actually causes him a fair amount of internal conflict that he can’t seem to rationalize away like he can with most other things.

10. Why can’t they have it?

The easiest to swallow answer is he simply lacks any way of knowing or finding out. Both of his parents are gone and Lund wouldn't know so unless someone has a time machine, his hands are pretty much tied.

The harder one is that Oleander is honestly terrified of finding out that he's not who or even what he thinks he is, so he doesn't try and lets his fears fester inside of him. Like, what even is he? Who can honestly survive having their heart ripped out of their chest still beating and live on without it being much of an issue? It's fucking weird. One of the ideas that refuses to leave him alone is that he's nothing more than a confused spirit possessing the corpse of a dead six year old, and what if that's true? He spent years trying to get his life back. What was all that for if he's even not himself?

11. What do they wrongly believe about themselves?

That he's not him, but that's less wrongly believed and more his worst fear, you know?? Wrongly believed is honestly more Kingcup and Thyme's areas, and that's part of why they like Oleander. The kid is pretty matter of fact and reasonable with his opinions especially about himself (or so it seems on the outside, and even then it’s the what ifs that drag him down). He's like their unflappable little rock! :D

Until, of course, he isn't. :’D

12. Draw your protagonist! (Or share a description)

I really love doodling Olly so thank you. ^o^! Fun fact, his natural hair is like a dark auburn brown. His original plan was to screw around with his hair for funsies for a bit while he was traveling with Daed, only for someone to tell him blonde was a really bad look for him one day in a grocery store. He’s spitefully kept it blonde ever since because fuck you too, lady.

PLOT POINTS

13. What is the internal conflict?

Outside of his ‘what am I’ conundrum which is his main internal conflict, he’s also figuring out how to better navigate the bitter raging sea of anger inside of him. He may want to know more about himself, but that doesn’t mean he’s completely a-okay with the years he spent under Lund’s control. The trauma is still real.

14. What is the external conflict?

They've all been burned and traumatized by magic, and instead of doing the more rational approach to healing like talk to a therapist, they ...do other things that are less helpful. There's also a massive social stigma to having been burned by magic so it's not like they actually have a lot of options at hand. :/ Starting Icarus is actually helpful in that regard because at the minimum, it builds a nice little support system.

15. What is the worst thing that could happen to your protagonist?

Oleander is screaming the worst already happened, what could be worse than his past?! But off the top of my head, losing his heart again would been such a devastation to him. Or, just giving up completely.

16. What secret will be revealed that changes the course of the story?

That's a good question. o:

17. Do you know how it ends?

There's plenty of bits and pieces that I know happen, but it's not absolute yet.

BITS AND BOBS

18. What is the theme?

Mistakes don’t have to define you. Recovery isn't a straight line, but it's possible. Found families are neat.

19. What is a reoccurring symbol?

We will see. I’m sure they’ll pop up at times. xD

20. Where is the story set? (Share a description)

Most of the story takes places in a small port city named Dead Leaves. Less of it takes place in the Inbetween and The Romneya Backwoods too, but Dead Leaves is the main spot. Like I said, it's smaller city but still thriving and lively. The Icarus verse has a slight solarpunky vibe to it so despite the name, it's very green with lots of parks and trees and plants. It's common to see ivy climbing up old buildings and rooftops to have their own little gardens. There's plenty to do with an ton of shops and venues and museums and old historical spots too. Its home to the ever famous Clove Archives that's a massive tourist spot for all to visit, and because of that, there's a few universities and colleges within the city too.

I definitely write it with Boston in mind too, so yes~ c:

21. Do you have any images or scenes in your mind already?

I'm a super visual person so, oh god yes! Do I ever! So many scenes! One of my favorites involves Kingcup punching a wall and Oleander throwing up a wall. :D

22. What excited you about this story?

I just really like these characters, this concepts and the story I have so far. It honestly feels me with joy when I doodle and write about them and it's one of the first stories I've worked on that doesn’t really ever frustrate me either. I also just want to write a story about queer kids finding friendships, falling in love, dealing with the shit and learning from the lesser mistakes you make in your youth. Failure isn’t a death sentence, you know?

23. Tell us about your usual writing method!

I beat my ADHD down every so often and just write write write until it regains its strength? o: I’m gonna look into seeing a specialist this year to learn a better way because it doesn’t work well enough anymore. :l

Tagging: Mhmm. It said lots of people so @elliot-orion @loopyhoopydrabbles @mirror-of-too-many-books If y’all don’t want too, that’s totally cool too! :D And anyone else who would like to do it, please do it! I loved to see it! <3

#long post #dear god it's long #but this was fun!#thanks indecentpause~ :D #icarus at midnight

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a-day-at-once · 6 years ago

Text

January entries #1 to #10

January 1st, it seems.

There’s something rather archaic about writing in the first page of a journal while being bathed in nothing but the light of a candle. Normally I wouldn’t mind it much, it does set a mood, but as the lone flame flickers, so does my soul, out of the impaling feeling of pure, raw, suffocating boredom.

Archaic as it might be, Benjamin Franklin’s been dead for quite some time now and the current world revolves around the connection he found between lightning and tiny electric sparks, an energy that has been temporarily taken from us.

With the storm raging outside, there’s been a general blackout in this part of town. No internet, no television, no working electronic devices, just me and the apartment I’ve been neglecting to clean for way too long. I didn’t clean anything at all, mind you, I was just moving and kicking things around to ease my access to the ceiling fan with the chair I dragged behind me and the rope that I still have around my neck.

From a higher angle, my feet on the seat of the chair, a blur through the futile tears I blinked away; that’s how I spotted you, partially hidden under layers of discarded smelly clothing, inside a plastic storage box with the last remnants of proof that I’ve actually been to college at some point in this life of mine. A shame I didn’t graduate, but also not really? Art school can set you free as much as it can castrate your spirit.

But there you were, all faux leather cover, a gift cast aside at the time, but full of stories yet untold. Unwritten, rather. Am I talking to you or are you talking to me? Am I writing with the hopes of it being read, or so that I can figure out what I’m trying to tell myself?

I only noticed the passage of the year because the neighbors from downstairs helpfully screamed the countdown with an excitement I only wished I could share. I laid my shaky hands on you with seven seconds to go and made the decision to start writing at the exact moment they yelled “zero”.

Am I just lonely, diary? Simply sad? New Year is supposed to be about new beginnings, but in the darkness of a world that moves onto 2019 without light, your pages called for an entry. For what it’s worth…

You stopped me from ending right at the beginning.

I end this entry with the desk lamp flickering awake.

- @abyssiniana

Hello Day 2.

Yesterday I didn’t think we’d meet, and now it seems so ordinary.

Went back to work today. Another thing I thought I was leaving behind. I was on shift with Susan again, and it seems like the holidays put her in a better mood. She had a lot to tell me about her boyfriend.

We had pretty heavy traffic. More than we expected. Some old man got kicked out for saying some seriously racist shit. Bless my manager. And fuck the elderly, I guess?

It was bright and cold on my way in. I walked along the canal. I watched someone try and fish their hat out with a stick for like 10 minutes (they did it!)

On the way home I got caught in the rain and got soaked.

Closing thoughts? This was sort of a shitty day, but hey, I’m still here. I changed into some dry clothes, I’ve got some music on and I’m snuggled up in a blanket.

I kept the rope. It’s in my desk drawer. Is that morbid? I think it’s to avoid denial. I’m also keeping the candles. The power’s on, but the candles are nice anyway.

See you soon, day 3.

- @mykumatt

Day three. I wish I could say I was happy to see you.

I was off of work today. Most people hang out with friends, run errands, see a show, something else on their days off.

I usually sit and home and stare at blank canvasses and wonder what happened to me. I used to be good. I used to be something.

Am I really anything, anymore?

I eat. I sleep. I work.

Am I anything more than an automaton? Am I worth more than the money accrued with every beep of a barcode on a register?

Today, I couldn't sit inside and wonder if I'd ever become anything. Today, I went to ask the canal.

Cold and grey, it didn't have much to offer me that I didn't already know. I sat on a low wall beside the canal, almost a block from work.

The canal had my attention for all of moments. The surface was glassy, dark. Nothing swam within, nor did anything float on the surface.

I watched people instead.

One woman needed to get to the bank before it closed, I decided. She walked with purpose, long strides taking her quickly from my sight. A young man peered into the windows of a record store with his headphones on as he swayed to the beat. He was still home from college, looking for a last-minute gift for a roommate or a friend. An elderly couple toddled into a diner, the man holding his arm out for the woman, even though they both carried a cane. They've been married fifty years, kids long moved away. They eat breakfast together every morning.

Making up the story of someone else's life made mine seem more interesting. Sometimes, I wonder what people think when they see me on the streets. Am I still a student, in their eyes? Do I live with my parents? Do I have a family of my own? What if I'm a business owner, a chef, a politician, a poet?

Do they know that I'm nothing at all? When I looked back across the canal, I saw a man in nearly my mirrored position. He wore a black leather jacket and no hat or gloves. In one hand, he held a cigarette. In the other, a small, black book, much like you, dear diary.

He is a musician, I decided. His hands were lithe and his fingers slim, perfect for the piano or the guitar. In that notebook, he carried symphonies. He carried the next greatest rock album. He carried next week's one hit wonder.

Who knows?

Maybe he isn't anything. Just like me.

- hawkwarrd

Day Four. Damn.

I didn’t really realize how boring my life has become until I started to do this. What do I even say? It wasn’t a bad day? I went to work, it was Friday, so it was busier than usual, but nothing truly awful.

Oh, and Susan told me today that the new person was hired yesterday while I was off. They start tomorrow, so that’s something exciting? Hopefully, we don’t get another Sean.

My Friday night was closing, and take out food at home. No plans with friends. No notifications on my phone. A single online order for falafel, and a cold dark walk back down the canal passing the glittering lights of restaurants and bars full of laughter and friends and dates.

I would feel ashamed to reach out to anyone at this point. I was the one that pushed them away, what right did I have to see my friends again, and pretend nothing is wrong? They didn’t do anything wrong, I ignored texts, I couldn’t go out places, I never reached out. The thing that was wrong was me.

Maybe I should get a cat.

Candles and canvases and white pages don’t talk back.

Neither do cats, but maybe I could actually feel like someone useful again. It’s a new year and just because the year feels impossibly long and lonely and scary—

Fuck. Fuck I hate that. While I want to get better, am I really committed enough to 2019? To taking care of something that long? I don’t even have a real plant in my apartment.

...Maybe a senior cat.

- @kearatheshadow

Day 5.

I can't believe I actually managed to write here for five days in a row. Maybe I need to take it all out in writing, or maybe I just hope you'll be found one day, long after I'm gone, and that someone better than me will find you somehow interesting. I know I don't. I'm your writer after all, right?

I worked half day today. I didn't think I'd go to work, but I guess I needed an excuse to get up early. Last night I had some thoughts, some regrets. I thought about what I tried to do, and how I could feel that rope screaming at me from the drawer. Calling me a coward. Telling me that if I can't use it, I should at least do something with myself. Anything.

So I had to get out, you know? I couldn't hear it anymore.

Before work, I went to sit by the canal again with some coffee. I kinda like it.

It wasn't that bad today. Not too many customers. Most of the workers weren't in, so I had some peace and quiet. As much as most of them are pretty okay, I hate all of those rumors and gossips that always spread around. You can't say anything without everyone knowing about it 5 minutes later (especially Susan. She's nice but she's the most talkative person I've ever met. It's exhausting sometimes). That's why I don't talk much. Though to be fair, I don't talk much in general. The new guy was in today. He looked like he was nervous and shy, and mainly kept himself close to Greg, who was shift manager today. The poor guy had to hide his shaking hands behind him when he handled customers. Must be his first job, at least in this kind of job. But after some time, Greg told me to spend some time with him.

His name is Leo. And he's the most gentle person I've ever met. We didn't talk much, but I saw it right away. He saw me scribble on a random piece of paper and he really liked it. So I gave it to him, and he put it in his wallet.

I dunno why, but after I went back home, I wasn't so tired like I always am.

I didn't touch my sketchbook since dropping out of school. It's dusty, but somehow well kept.

Maybe I'll draw something later.

- @somegoodsheith

I decided today would be a mental health day. Called Sylvia and the sweet old lady took my shift from me. I knew no matter what she would and take it because she’s so giving with everyone in the store. I feel like I manipulated her into taking it but goes to show I’m an awful person. Not like we didn’t know that already. Okay shit. We’re not doing this today. I’m treating myself well today, only good thoughts for now.

I took the bus into the city. I figured it was best not to lie in bed all day. I got onto the subway and yeah I sat there for a long time. Like a really long time. I tried to sketch a couple of people with the notepad I brought with me, but my mind was wandering too much so I threw it back into my bag. I rode the entire line to the original stop I started at.

I enjoyed it though. That feeling of just being. A city goer. Maybe someone who works nine to five. Someone who just. Lives their life without their minds chained to an abyss that’s barely trying to break free. They maybe worry about things like, paying bills on time and making it to their kids recital.

Just a regular cyclical life that doesn’t revolve around whether their brains decide to work or not.

I made it to an animal shelter and then got dinner and then went home. Kinda uneventful. I’m still thinking about a cat maybe. I don’t know. None of them particularly attracted me. Well I mean I did try and play with every single one of them. Just none that I felt I should take home. Because I don’t know maybe I don’t deserve it. I was surprised they had birds and turtles and fish there. Not as common as cat, dogs and rodents. But I don’t know my eyes were caught by this turquoise conure. She was very calm and interested in me and her eyes just had life as soon as walked in the room.

Birds are so beautiful and I love them so much. Just hard to keep. I would have to quit my job to even have time for a parrot. And I already spend so much time at home. I just couldn’t. I’m gonna keep looking around for cats though. I have the time and space and money.

I just. Need to stay alive somehow. Maybe a cat could do that. Just gotta find the one y’know

I think I might look at volunteering at the shelter some day. I don’t think that parrot is going anywhere anytime soon and I’d love to play with her and that way it would be easier for me to find a cat. Who knows.

- @technicolorfire

Day 7 I’m feeling a bit better today. That mental health day truly helped out a lot! I’m thinking about treating Sylvia for lunch or something. I got to thank her somehow, but I’m still not 100% sure what to do. If I don’t do something, I’m going to feel the guilt anytime I look at her. Oh boy. At work today, Leo came up to me, nervously twiddling his thumbs. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a neatly folded piece of paper and pushed it into my hands before walking away. I opened it up and it was a drawing of me. Everything, from the hair to my eyes, was perfect. On the bottom it read, “You know, I used to draw back during my high school days. Your drawing really motivated me to try up that hobby again. I hope you and me can be friends. You might even be able to teach me something.” I don’t know what to say. I know dozens of people whose drawings are better than mine, so why is Leo paying any attention to mine? Whatever, I’ll take it. I’ll probably talk to him tomorrow, if he’s willing that is. Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I did get a cat. A pure black female American Shorthair. I named her Ember, due to her fiery eyes. She’s a quiet one, mostly keeping to herself. Right now, she’s laying down on my bed, softly purring. I need to go to the pet store and buy her something before she rips the entire house apart. At least Ember lightens up the atmosphere. On my way out of the shelter, I grabbed a volunteer forum from one of the employees. In fact, it’s sitting next to Ember right now. At least now I can hope to make someone’s day better. New year, new me after all.

Well, until we meet again, diary.

-Tingle

Do cats wear collars?

I ended up going to the mall before my shift to buy pet supplies and the thought entered my mind when I saw the aisle of shiny, multi-coloured pet collars in the store. The images of cats on the labels, ecstatic to receive the gift of Collar from Human, repeated across an entire wall of ApexCorp® Anti-Tick and Flea Cat Collars™ Dermatologist Approved.

Do cats have dermatologists.

I have never seen a cat wear a collar in my life. Not even on TV. Or maybe I have seen one before, on a cat food commercial? Who pays attention to those things anyway?

Do cats wear collars? The question, it haunts me.

I did not buy Ember a collar.

I stuffed the pet supplies onto my car's backseat (a secondhand Toyota Corolla my parents bought me for my 18th birthday - old but still trusty) — a litter box, two food bowls, a large pack of cat food to last at least a month or so, and a squeaky mouse toy. Not a collar in sight.

I returned to the mall, deciding to grab a bite to eat before I went to work in a few hours. My shift today was supposed to be from 8 AM to 4 PM, but Sylvia (1-9 PM) asked us to switch since she had some errands later in the evening. Sure, fair enough. She did take my shift the other day, might as well return the favour. Not like I have much better to do in the evening.

I already spent most of my spare money on Ember's things, but a sandwich and maybe a milk tea won't hurt my wallet too bad. And it'll probably taste better than all the cup noodles and rice-plus-canned-something that had comprised my diet for the past several months. I deserve to treat myself every once in a while.

Right?

I strolled across the mall; when was the last time I actually went here? I didn't recognize most of the stalls anymore, and had forgotten where I used to eat all the time.

No point in thinking too deeply about it, I suppose. Thinking doesn't do me much good. I stopped by a café that only had three other customers and ordered a "House's Special" panini and, at the cashier's suggestion, an "Okinawa milk tea with tapioca, rock salt and cheese."

I have no idea what either of these are.

From across the café where I sat was International Bookstore. Oh, International Bookstore, with your overpriced erasers and purple pens that never seem to be in stock. The glass display presented a vast array of hardcover novels, alcohol markers and oil pastels, a medium I was never good at.

I stared at the art supplies, sipping my tea plaintively. I haven't made a serious artwork ever since I left school, my once diverse portfolio reduced to crude doodles at the back of receipts.

My impressive receipt collection was set to grow yet again as I scribbled behind the café bill with the half-empty pen I write grocery lists with.

I started with some abstract scribbles, trying to get a feel for the pen. The once black ink was nothing more than a faded gray now. I sketched out my lunch absent-mindedly, taking more time looking at the bread's dotted texture than my own work (Ah, food, the art student's favourite subject).

I continued eating (GOD this is good milk tea, thanks cashier person), stopping every few bites to draw again, the progression of my food as it was being consumed laid out on the paper until all that was left to draw were bread crumbs and an empty cup.

This could be symbolic for something, but I'm not really sure.

- cordaello

I can’t believe it took me a full day to understand Leo’s joke when I asked him if he was planning to grow a beard. “Maybe. Who knows? I used to not like facial hair but it grew on me.” I just… thought he didn’t have a razor.

By the way, I forgot to write about my conversation with Leo yesterday (the first thing I thought of doing was sticking that receipt doodle on my diary and my mind threw any other detail that happened that day out of the window).

I’ll just quickly skim over what happened yesterday. He’s a quiet, shy guy who avoids talking to people if it’s unnecessary. He’d rather watch and observe. Didn’t get to chat with him until our break time since I didn’t really want to disturb him while we were working. Sheepishly, I started small talk between the two of us which somehow sidetracked into a long discussion about BBC’s hit detective rom-com show, Sureluck played by the loveable Bandersnatch Cucumber. There was something about the uncovering mysteries that fascinated both of us. Maybe it was the idea that there’s something more to the things that happen around us, a hidden explanation. That or it was just wishful thinking; we wanted to belong to a scheme bigger than all of us, to be worth more than what we think we are.

Or maybe it’s Bandersnatch’s sexy cheekbones. Maybe…

Honestly, Leo’s such a precious kid. He’s still pretty young, just turned 18 and recently moved from Michigan to this place where nothing extraordinary happens (unless you count the disc of lights that disappear after a few seconds above Dale University). He rents a small apartment a few blocks from the store.

I thought it’d be nice to show him around; after all, he’s new here. So after today’s shift I asked if he wanted to go to Ravensons Mall and grab something to eat, maybe sit on one of the benches at the nearby park for cats.

Do cats have parks. “Um, sure, I’d love to go,” he answered with a small smile. “It’s not like there are people waiting for me to get home.”

Beneath that smile I could hear a tinge of melancholy in his voice and I felt a little bad for him. This kid was me a couple of years ago. This kid is me now, scared and reluctant in this jungle of people bustling around minding their own businesses, and I alone.

Alone.

Maybe Leo didn’t have to feel the same way. Maybe I could be a friend to him. Maybe…

After the shift we got into my car and drove to Ravensons. WcDonalds was packed with people and Leo seemed agitated at the overwhelming business of the fast food chain so I ordered us each a burger and a cup of soda to go, and left the busy place.

Leo seemed to calm down when we got to the park. We watched as people walk by. We watched families that had small picnics on the grass under the shade of the big trees — the only trees you’d see in this place.

There were no signs of cats whatsoever.

Leo told me about Michigan and how he and his friends would have long road trips in and out of the state in his friend Brad’s pickup truck. There was something peaceful about driving across miles and miles of land, especially at night, and being alone in the middle of nowhere.

Maybe we should go out on a road trip someday. -realcakkuu

#10

Ember woke me up a little before my alarm went off. I suspect I will eventually transcend the need of setting up the alarm at all; for a cat without one of her front paws, she sure pounces hella hard on my stomach at six twenty in the morning exactly. I can’t decide if I prefer waking up to her demand of food or Gary Moore’s guitar solo.

The cat decided for me.

I fed her. She likes the extravagant salmon food I can barely afford, because of course she does; for an animal who was rescued from the streets, she sure was picky with her Purina Fancy Feast. After the bowl was empty she staggered towards me to rub herself on my leg in what I can guess is appreciation.

I very damn well hope it is appreciation.

Do cats have that sort of feelings towards inferior beings such as humans?

I petted her, though. Cute.

I made a good pot of coffee for myself, but then opened my fridge to realize I hadn’t bought milk in weeks. I burned my toast but ate it anyway; anything goes down my mouth with enough peanut butter. I may or may not have forgotten to pay the water bill, but I’m fairly certain I did (one day past the limit, is a fact). I think they just cut the hot water because they’re complete sadistic unforgiving assholes. I showered anyway. I masturbated. I couldn’t even tell how long it had been since I last did it but I can’t say it felt... particularly good. Mostly made me feel fourteen again, self-discovering without the concern of being caught by my brother in the upper bunk bed.

I uh. Shouldn’t have done that.

In the momentary bliss I forgot time was a constant moving variable and clocked in eleven minutes late at work. My boss hates me. The clients hate me because god forbid they have to form a line in the parking ten minutes before opening time.

Today was the day I decided I absolutely despise Thursdays.

I realize this every week. I do. But I hated today specially because Thursday is Leo’s day off. I don’t know what I was expecting, the kid deserves his days off as much as me or anyone else does. He didn’t miss out on anything too critical except the ridiculous amount of clients that seemed to be waiting for the final twenty minutes of my shift to grab every item from the nearest shelves and throw them on the absolute opposite end of the slooowwwlyyyy rooooolliiiiiinnnngggg conveyor belt, as if I have all the time in the world, and they THINK I want to argue about the promotion we had last week but don’t have this week but they WANT it this week too, but I have to explain that promotions are like every single fucking thing in life, fucking TEMPORARY, WOMAN, GET A MOVE ON AND PAY FULL PRICE FOR A BLOODY CAN OF SAUSAGES.

Ah, Thursdays are inventory day. I didn’t leave the goddamned supermarket before midnight, and I’m honestly cheating you, dear diary, because it’s the eleventh already and I only just managed to sit down and rage write today’s events.

Ah but… before going to bed, I should add something.

I found something in my locker when I went to pick up my jacket. I didn’t notice it upon arriving in the morning, nor when I went to grab some money for lunch, but this was right on the door, at the level of my eyes, a post it note with a little message. Was it put there yesterday night? Sometime during the day?

- @abyssiniana

#ADAO #entries #1 to 10 #january #2019 #writing #creative writing #collab #mass collaboration #art #doodle

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chibinightowl · 7 years ago

Note

No, I absolutely, absolutely lied. Wrong number. I didn’t see that the first time around because I was searching to hard for a nice hurt/comfort prompt.

You want hurt, Nyk? Here’s some hurt. I think this is the most painful thing I’ve ever written.

~*~

It starts with a wrong number. Jason lays beside Tim, still wrapped up in him, breathing the same air. But Tim, always the businessman, picks up his phone and answers it.

After a moment, he replies with “Sorry, I think you have the wrong number.” The other person must apologize or something because Tim chuckles and says not to worry, that it happens.

He puts down his phone and turns his attention back to Jason.

But he’s distracted, not all there when normally lavishing his love and affection on the other man is something he attends to with laser sharp focus and intensity.

It happens again the following week when they’re making dinner together. And then again the week after that when they’re trying to watch a movie.

Jason doesn’t think anything of it. Wrong numbers happen after all.

Time passes.

One evening, Jason is making dinner and his phone rings a familiar tone. “Hey, handsome. What’s up?” he asks, not even looking as the screen.

“Hey, babe,” Tim answers. He sounds tired.

Jason knows what’s about to come. There’s only one reason why Tim would be calling at this time of day. “How late you going to be?”

“Hopefully just a few hours. Stupid quarterly report.”

“Take your time. I’ll save your dinner.”

“You’re the best. Love you.”

“Love you too.” Jason hangs up and continues making dinner. He eats and then spends the evening working on his thesis. Tim works hard to keep a roof over their heads while he’s in graduate school and Jason can’t wait until he’ll be able to return the favor and balance out their workload. For now, he keeps house and works a few nights a week for their grocery money.

He loves Tim, he really does. They’ve been together for three years now and he has plans to make that permanent when he’s got his master’s degree. Jason never thought he’d ever find someone he would want to share the rest of his life with but Tim makes it all too easy to see the possibility.

Tim is late coming home next week too. And the week after. And the week after that. Jason asks what’s going on and Tim just shakes his head. “Work bullshit. Damian is a pain in my ass.”

Damian Wayne is Tim’s boss. The tyrannical demon son of Bruce Wayne that only Tim ever seems able to manage and keep from creating a PR nightmare.

“Can I help with anything?” Jason asks, rubbing Tim’s tight shoulders. His boyfriend leans back into the touch like he always does and gives him a slow smile.

“I can think of something else you can rub.”

“I think I can do more than just that.”

One night a week changes into two.

Jason doesn’t think much of it. But one day when he’s sorting laundry, he finds a movie ticket stub in the pocket of Tim’s pants. He looks at it curiously because they haven’t been to one in a while. The date is from two days before.

The last night Tim said he was working late.

His heart sinks as a niggling thought enters his mind. No, there has to be an explanation. There has to be. But if Tim is lying to him about staying late for work, then what else is he lying about?

Rather than calling him out, Jason decides to wait and see.

The next time Tim calls and says he’s going to be late, Jason offers to bring him dinner.

“Oh, I couldn’t ask you to do that. It’s rush hour and traffic sucks,” Tim says quickly.

“I don’t mind, Timmers,” he replies easily. “You’re the one working hard, it’s the least I can do. Besides, the subway into downtown isn’t too bad. It’s coming back out that’s a mess.”

“No, don’t worry about it,” Tim comes back with. “I think Damian is ordering in dinner for us anyway.”

“If you’re sure?” Jason checks.

“I’m sure. I’ll be home as soon as I can. I love you.”

“Love you too.”

Jason hangs up and sets his phone down. After a moment where he stares blankly at nothing, he grabs an empty coffee mug and throws it hard against the kitchen wall. It shatters to pieces. He’s breathing hard, and his fists are clenched so tightly his knuckles already ache. He wants a fight, he wants to hit something.

But instead, he cleans up the mess he made.

The next week, Tim is home on time every night. Everything is perfectly normal and Jason finds himself wondering why he’s being paranoid in the first place.

Next week is more of the same. But on Friday, Tim announces he has to go on a trip Monday with Damian. “It came up at the last second. We have to go to San Francisco for a few days.”

Jason tries not to feel nervous. “Want me to take you to the airport?”

Tim smiles and draws him in for a kiss. “That would be great.”

Monday comes and Jason drops Tim off at the private terminal. He sees Damian already waiting so he instantly feels better about everything. It’s fine. This is a legitimate trip. He doesn’t have to worry about anything going on there, as Damian is barely 18.

Jason goes about his routine — classes, reading, and too much writing. Tim calls him in the evening and they talk about their respective days.

On Wednesday, he gets a call earlier than usual. “Hey,” Tim says, slightly breathless, like he’s in a rush. “This is taking longer to wrap up than Damian thought. I’ll probably be gone until next Tuesday.”

Cue the anxiety. But Jason tries hard to keep calm and tells his suspicious side to take a hike. It’s work. This has actually happened before because Damian is shit at negotiations. “Man, there goes that nice dinner I was planning.”

“I’m sorry, hon. Did you go to the store already?” Tim sounds a bit sad.

“No, I was going to after class.”

“Well, do it anyway and treat yourself. Damian’s giving me a bonus for this out of his own pocket so I’ll move some funds for you.”

“Okay. Love you, babe.”

“I love you too.” Tim hangs up.

Jason stares blankly at his phone and sets it aside. Something about the conversation was off and he can’t quite pinpoint what.

It’s not until later that he realizes what it is and he puts his fork down heavily. Damian hates traveling over the weekend. He’s a homebody at heart so unless something is royally fucked up, he would come home regardless.

He waits until Friday evening to call Damian. As Tim’s boyfriend, the young Wayne heir knows him, albeit not well enough to chat more than casually with.

“What is it, Todd?” Damian’s lightly accented voice answers the phone. “I’m busy.”

“I know, and I’m sorry for bothering you.” Jason takes a deep breath and takes the plunge. “I haven’t heard from Tim tonight so I was wondering if he’s staying late with you again.”

There’s a long pause. “He’s not here. I’ve been home since yesterday morning. Drake said he was meeting you in Las Vegas for a long weekend. Something about a surprise.”

“Fuck,” Jason swears and this time, he punches the wall. He does it again. And again, not noticing the hot tears that burn in his eyes.

“Todd,” Damian’s voice calls him back to the present. “Drake, he…whatever is going on, I swear to you, I did not know. I’m…I’m sorry.”

Jason tries to calm down enough to ask one burning question. “Has Tim been staying late at work at all over the last few months?”

“Only twice that I know of.” Damian pauses and then growls in frustration. “He’s been using that as an excuse?”

“Yeah.”

“I wish to have no part in this,” the young businessman pronounces. “But I can’t have my personal assistant lying to me too.”

“Lemme talk to him first,” Jason says, his voice choking up. “I deserve that much.”

“You do,” Damian agrees quietly. “Todd, I…take care of yourself. Good luck.” He hangs up quickly.

Jason spends the weekend alternating between a debilitating funk and burning rage. What did he do? What did he do that made Tim so unhappy that he felt he had to go elsewhere to find love? Or is it just sex? They’re not exactly vanilla in bed as both of them like to spice things up. Is it the thrill of it all? That Tim has someone on the side and is successfully managing to keep Jason in the dark?

Most of the coffee mugs are broken by the time Monday morning rolls around. There’s a hole in the wall from where Jason punched through it. His knuckles are bandaged from the damage.

He forces himself to go to class. Nothing sticks, not that it matters; he’s read it all before. That night, Tim texts him rather than calls to let him know what time he’ll be home Tuesday. He’s been silent all weekend. Jason glares at his phone but manages to type out an acknowledgement and ask how things are going.

Two quick replies come in, saying he’s fine, that it’s been a busy weekend of schmoozing. And that he’s sorry for not calling, claiming the time zones as an excuse and not wanting to wake him.

Jason tosses his phone on the sofa and promptly goes to the bathroom to vomit.

He doesn’t sleep that night. When morning comes, he walks mindlessly around the apartment, slowly taking in the little things that make this place a home. A soft throw pillow that Tim insisted on. An afghan over the back of the sofa. Pictures of the two of them at Disneyworld last year.

All of it feels fake. Wrong.

Jason decides he can’t stay here. Not anymore. He calls Roy. “I need a place to crash for a while.”

“Of course, Jaybird,” Roy says without hesitation. “What’s going on? You and Tim fighting?”

Jason closes his eyes. Perhaps if he says it quickly, it won’t hurt as much. “Tim is cheating on me.”

“That motherfucking bastard. Get over here, right now. I’ll tell Kori.” This is what Jason loves about Roy. He doesn’t question, he doesn’t doubt his claim. They’ve been best friends for years and never once has he ever failed at having Jason’s back.

“I need to confront him first. He’s been out of town all weekend.”

“Need me there?”

“No, I have to do this myself.”

“I’m clearing the guestroom now. Lian will love seeing you.”

“Her hugs are the best. Next to Kori’s.” Jason rummages though the closet for his duffle-bag. “I’ll see you in a few hours.”

Packing all his personal belongings is something he never expected to have to do. He leaves all the things Tim purchased for him, along with mementos. His laptop he’s torn over but he needs it for a few more months. Sucking up his pride, he packs it too.

Tim arrives home two hours later. Outwardly, he’s the tired businessman, his suit slightly wrinkled from travel. His carry-on is slung over his shoulder and he’s got a large suitcase he wheels in behind him. He smiles tiredly at Jason. “Hey, handsome. You’re a sight for sore eyes.”

He drops his bag and wraps his arms around Jason in an easy hug like he always does.

But Jason doesn’t hug him back. He stands stiffly and inwardly rages over his desire to touch Tim and embrace him in return. He can’t. Not anymore.

Tim picks up on his uneasiness. “What’s wrong?” he asks, drawing back.

“You weren’t in San Francisco this weekend.”

“What are you talking about?” Tim asks, smiling gently. “Of course I was. Damian had me going all over the place…”

“I talked to Damian on Friday. He said you were in Las Vegas with me.” The words come out easier than Jason expects.

The smile falls from Tim’s face and he takes a step back. “Jason, I…”

“Just tell me why. What did I do?”

“You did nothing wrong, Jason.” Tim doesn’t deny it anymore. Not now that he’s been caught redhanded. “I tried not to do it but I couldn’t stop. I just…couldn’t ignore him.”

Him. Another man. Jason’s eyes burn and he shakes his head. “How long did you expect to get away with it? Does this other guy even know about me?”

“He does.”

“Fuck you.” Jason glowers, trembling with rage. “You must have been laughing at me the entire time. Both of you. Poor Jason, completely clueless about what’s going on around him. Fuck you!”

“No! It’s not like that at all!” Tim shouts, trying to defend himself, but Jason waves him off brusquely.

“It doesn’t matter. Not anymore. Goodbye, Tim.” He picks up his bag, hidden alongside the sofa where Tim couldn’t have seen it.

“Jason!” Tim grabs his arm, trying to haul him away from the door. “Wait. Let me explain.”

He shoves him off. “You lost the right to explain yourself as soon as you cheated on me. Enjoy fucking this other guy without having to worry about me.”

“Jason!” Tim shouts again, but Jason is out the door and walking down the hall. “Jason! Please! I love you!”

“Liar.”

#chibinightowl writes #Jason Todd #Tim Drake #JayTim #angst

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lonedailydoodle · 7 years ago

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Daily Doodle 117 – August 11, 2018

That car meet was probably one of the most exciting nights I’ve had

The Miata also had a lot of fun being out there in the streets, I can tell!!

Today I woke up a bit late and got on my PC to chat and finish writing yesterday’s doodle. It was around time to upload the doodle, so I knew it would go up late

I was done with that, uploaded and proceeded to just get some.. Lunch by this time, and catch up with some videos. I generally just chatted, browsed and watched videos until it was the afternoon and Pixie told me to come down to his house, so I got ready and left

On my way to Pixie’s, two different people tailgated me which is not cool and not safe at all! Anyways, at Pixie’s, I helped wash the garage as well as wash the oil off Pixie’s Miata. It also started raining with lots of wind while washing it which helped rinse off the soap

ALSO, IMPORTANT, something has been bothering me for a while now and it’s that Pixie’s Miata actually has a name and has had it for a while.. So why not put his name here as well and have the name appear as a recurring character in my stories! Pixie named him Wilson and that’s how it’ll be called from now on!

After finishing up, I relaxed with Pixie in the room while browsing memes and waiting to dry up from the rain soaking us both

We then left to a shop to try and get my bro something he wanted me to buy for him, but they didn’t have it anymore as it was the last one of that thing. So we left to refuel my car and leave to our friend’s house who has the pet pig!

Once there, we saw the pet pig again, he was behaving better than before cuz of now being neutered. He was also not stinky anymore! After a bit of time spent there, we left to a KFC near Pixie’s house and smartly took the same route to stop at a Subway to get me a sandwich, then arrive home

We ate in the room and later watched a bit of this Home Netflix cartoon show which was pretty rad and funny. Pixie also played a bit of Rayman afterwards until we were told to go out to meet up with some friends for a car meet tonight

Pixie took Wilson the Miata out and headed straight to the mall nearby. He was behaving so nice and strong, wow! Our friends took pics with Wilson and their own Eclipse car at a mall parking lot near Pixie’s place, then we decided Pixie would ride shotgun in the Eclipse and I would be passenger in the Miata while our friend drove it. He absolutely loved the little guy! We even raced a little bit and Wilson handled it well (Don’t tell anyone hhh)

The meet was at another mall’s parking lot and it had already started. It had speaker cars like before as well as showing off some other cars. Pixie was even allowed to park his car in the area where they exhibit the cars!! We walked around, our friends met up with more friends and had a good time seeing the cars

There was a scary incident where a minor confusing fight happened and someone almost got run over.. We didn’t know much but at least the fight was taken elsewhere, so we continued our time there but were careful

Some people stopped by Pixie’s Miata to ask him about it and even look at the engine. It wasn’t something to be proud of.. YET!! But he’s working on it and they probably gave him advice or even more motivation. He was the ONLY Miata there after all and from what we saw earlier, it’s a tough little guy

Later at night we left home as we were getting tired. I left as a passenger in the Eclipse and we made it to Pixie’s house safely, then hung out outside his house for a couple of hours, later going inside to just relax

Some time later our friends had to go and we decided I would leave too, so we kissed lots and I left home, arriving safe even though there’s no rules on the roads at night

I got home and started talking with my bro about the meet. He doesn’t get sleepy at night since he works at night, tonight was one of his free days though. He later told me that they got a whole other engine for his car but he wouldn’t trust it since this is the third time it gets a whole new engine.. That car is cursed! He wanted a new car but dad just wasn’t having it

A bit later I had to cut the conversation since I was tired and he clearly wasn’t. I then wrote the doodle notes as best and as fast as I could but Pixie went to bed as it was so late. I then headed to bed.. I hope to not wake up so late, even if groggy cuz I need to finish writing and draw the doodle before going out for the last time.. At least until my bro gets his car fixed, hopefully soon.. If not, Pixie’s school and my bro borrowing my car will have me stuck at home without being able to visit Pixie until the weekends.. Man..

#daily doodle 2018 #daily doodle #doodle #furry #art #jeany545 daily doodle

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ezrisdax-archive · 7 years ago

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buttons

a while ago I wrote an original story and submitted it to an anthology. it was about girls flirting at a con (all though you weren’t allowed to mention fandoms by name which was a hassle). it didn’t get in and I moped for a bit and I didn’t post it here but after the stuff I read today I don’t feel quite so bad about it so whatever, also here on ao3

At nine in the morning the con wasn’t quite the bustling zone of bodies it would become in the afternoon. It was why Hazel had talked herself into buying a deluxe ticket, she wanted to avoid as much of the crowd as possible. While she was certainly enjoying being around so many people who shared the same interest as her she didn’t want her anxiety to flare up too badly that day.

The convention hall was large and split in to two sections, a dealers room and an artist alley. Last year it had been crammed in with the autograph area as well but they’d since moved it to a more suitable location while still being in the same building.

Saturday was going to be the busiest day of the con and Hazel had only planned on sticking around for an autograph she missed yesterday and a panel for a show she loved. Most of everything she’d planned to do she’d gotten done yesterday, today would mostly be about going up and down artist alley in the morning and looking for trinkets and fan made items. Tomorrow would be scouring the dealers room for last minute Sunday deals.

She was tempted to stop at a few of the dealers’ booths but reminded herself that last year she’d spent all her money there and hadn’t gotten anything from artist alley at all. She was determined this year to get something, she’d already missed out on buying a handmade plush of one of her favourite characters.

At least it was easier to dodge around people with so few of them there which made getting to artist alley simple despite being so far from the entrance of the hall. Whitle a few of the artists were still setting up or weren’t there yet, most were at their table sipping on coffees or some form of caffeine and looking as bleary eyed as Hazel felt. She could sympathize, she’d woken up early to take the subway in to town and she didn’t have to trek boxes of materials with her.

A button booth caught her attention and she bite her lip in consideration. Her bag was already carefully decorated with only a few buttons, it doubled as the bag she took in to work and had been cautious at over decorating or drawing attention to it. She didn’t care for the arguments that she’d had with boys before who wanted to quiz her on her interests. But surely one more couldn’t hurt, she argued with herself as she stepped towards the booth and looked down the rows and rows of buttons.

She recognized a few characters from popular shows, the kind that were common at artist alley and were known as bigger fandoms around the net so even if you weren’t in the fandom you’d still recognize them. Some were from science fiction shows she’d watched and those ones were already really tempting her. Her eye caught on one in particular though, her brow furrowing asshe tried to place a name to the character.

“If you can figure it out you can have it.” A voice drew her attention and her head shot up in surprise to look at the artist who was manning the booth. She looked amused, like she was expecting Hazel to get it wrong.

Her skin was darker than Hazel’s tan skin and her hair was much longer than Hazel’s own which only fell to her shoulders. Where hers was a light brown the artists was a deep black and kept up in a braid that kept her face clear and Hazel could see way she crinkled her eyes as she smiled.

While Hazel’s mother had named her for the colour of her eyes that were similar to her mothers – and because she’d thought ‘Hazelnut’ was a cute nickname for a kid – the artists were a much deeper brown that Hazel could get lost in. At the thought she felt her cheeks get warmer but cleared her throat as she processed what the artist had said.

She couldn’t help but quirk her lips up in amusement at the challenge. “You promise?” She asked and nearly backpedaled when she realized that could have come out as flirting. Thankfully the artist just grinned and slightly tilted her head to the side, causing her long dark braid to dislodge from its place.

“No one’s been able to yet, I guess it makes sense, the show only got a season.”

“Is that a hint?” Hazel raised one eyebrow, for all her normal anxiety at talking to someone she didn’t know she also couldn’t resist a puzzle of sorts.

“As much as you’ll get one.”

She must have been feeling braver than she thought because she blurted out, “Does it come with coffee?”

The artist’s eyes widened for a second and Hazel felt a stirring of guilt in her stomach which turned into cool relief when the artist just laughed in a genuinely amused way. “Maybe if you get lucky.”

Hazel breathed out a sigh of relief, glad she hadn’t screwed that up by possibly hitting on a straight person who could have gotten insulted at her for it. It was never easy to tell and since she’d become sure of her sexuality and attraction to girls it made dating even harder for her.

Pushing her luck a little more Hazel ducked her head a bit and smiled coyly, “Can I at least get a name now?”

The artist stuck out her hand, it dangled with the bracelets that she must have also made that were being sold at her booth. “I’m Meenu.” She flashed Hazel a grin. “And you are….”

“Hazel.” She took Meenu’s hand which felt warm and dry to her own and she tried not to linger too much, letting her hand fall back down to her side.

“What a coincidence.” Meenu reached for her coffee and held it up, “I like a shot of hazel.”

Hazel snorted at the joke, “I’ve heard that one before.”

Meenu pouted, deflating only a little, “Give me time, I’ll come up with a new one.”

“At this point I think I’ve heard every pun.” Hazel wrinkled her nose, “Or well,” She admitted, “Made them myself.”

“If I got a nickel for every time someone tried to use ‘me and you’ as a pun with my name I could buy out Hollywood. Even if that’s not how you say it.” Meenu confided and she looked like she was long since sick of it except then another slow smile crossed her face, “Except of course maybe if you were to offer me and you I might listen to it.”

It was said so ridiculously and coupled with Meenu wiggling her eyebrows that Hazel broke out into laughter. She honestly didn’t want to leave this booth at this point, she was having fun with Meenu which was nice considering none of her friends had been able to come that year. That Meenu also was very attractive and seemed conductive to her flirting certainly also helped.

Hazel tried to play it cool, “I’ll think about it.” She grinned to show she was joking and bounced back on the soles of her shoes. “But maybe I’m just in to you for the free stuff.”

“It’s only free if you make the right guess.” Meenu reminded her and leaned back in her chair. “Which so far you haven’t.”

“Haven’t tried.” Hazel was quick to correct.

“No guess is still the wrong guess.” Meenu said, playing along.

Hazel’s eyes darted back down to the button that had started this whole conversation and she stifled her laughter. As soon as Meenu had said the show only had one season she’d been quick to guess what it was. In a move that made her feel more confident than she was she leaned in to whisper her answer to Meenu glad that it was morning and she could still be heard without the buzzing of the convention around them.

Meenu straightened, her mouth falling open in surprise as Hazel pulled back.

“So am I right?” Hazel asked and stamped out the worry that she’d guessed wrong based on Meenu’s face.

Meenu started laughing, a sound that was delightful to Hazel. “I didn’t really expect you to get it.” Meenu said when she stopped laughing, “I was planning on offering you pity coffee for losing, figured you’d get my company so it was still winning either way.”

“But I do get the button right?” Hazel pointed down at it, grinning widely, and acting like that’d been all she was after.

Meenu had that crinkle around her eyes again Hazel noticed. She nodded her head. “You get the button.” She rested her chin on one of her hands, elbow on the table. “I’d offer coffee now but I can’t really leave my booth until my sister gets here to help watch it.”

Hazel deflated a little, “To be honest I hadn’t intended on staying for very long, just artist alley this morning, off to a signing, and then a panel. But how about I give you my number and you can let me know when you’re free?”

Meenu tapped her fingers on her cheek idly, “I’ll tell my sister to get her sooner rather than later.” Hazel felt a bubble of excitement in her stomach as Meenu pulled out her phone and was glad she managed to recite her own number without fumling. Then Meenu plucked the button off the table and held it up for Hazel. “For the victor.”

Hazel couldn’t help but giggle a little and took it with her thanks. “I’ll wear it with pride.” She promised and pinned it to the strap of her bag instead of the front of it. She was afraid the conversation was starting to feel stilted and she wavered in leaving but eventually pulled herself away with a grin and wave to Meenu.

She reminded herself that this wasn’t it, Meenu would text her and then they’d get coffee and- her phone buzzed in her hand and she looked down at it curiously, opening up the message and seeing it was from Meenu.

“See you soon!”

“Can’t wait.” She texted back and smiled to herself, wondering if Meenu was the type to go for a kiss on the first date because it certainly seemed tempting. As she put her phone away her hand brushed against the new button she’d gotten.

It was a cute button, artistically drawn and had Meenu’s signature just barely visible underneath the character on it. Still the best thing she’d gotten out of artist alley, she thought, was Meenu’s number and the promise of a date.

#beej writes #¯\_(ツ)_/¯#look this is the only original work I've written and I feel self conscious putting it up #but ah well

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iamacolor · 7 years ago

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Wherever life plants you, bloom with grace, part 2

A Kastle Flowershop/Tattoo Parlor AU inspired by this wonderful edit by @frank-kastle

Read on Ao3

Frank and Karen get to know each other better and you get to meet my version of one of my favourite character from The Punisher.

Chapter 2 - Primrose

Karen comes back to see him the next day, just before lunchtime, and asks if he wants to go grab a bite to which he replies positively. They go to a nearby dinner and as they wait for their food, they make small conversation which then turn into Karen talking about how the project is coming along and Frank asking how long she's been in New York. After explaining to him that being a florist is quite new to her, they keep on talking about her job. When the food arrives, the waitress founds them talking about New York. They tell each other what they love about it , their neighborhood and their favorite spots in town until they are done with their lunch. How Karen found New-York when she first arrived from her small town in Vermont. How Frank used to be scared of skyscrapers as a kid before going all the way up to the top of the Empire State Building. Or how she had never been on the subway before getting to New-York.

In the end, as they exit the dinner, Karen realizes that she hasn't asked him any questions about the project but, smiling at him when crossing the street, she decides that it doesn't matter. They clearly both had a nice time and she can always asks questions another day if she really needs too. But she already knows that she wants more conversations with that man, no matter the topic.

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That same evening, Frank goes to his friend’s Curtis' bar situated around the block from his parlor. The two have met while on tour and have stayed close over the year. Curtis is the one good person that is constant in Frank’s life and they’ve been through everything together. He knows right as he enters and Curtis looks up at him with a smirk, that he’s not going to be able to just sit and listen as he usually does.

“Did you have a nice day? A nice lunch?” Curtis asks as he sits at the bar. Franks looks up at him, keeping a neutral face. Given his tone, he’s pretty sure that Curtis isn’t being just polite but if his friend wants to play it casual and innocent, he can too. “Are you not going to answer?” Frank sighs “Yeah, it was nice.” “Anything special happened?” “Just spill it out, Curt,” laughs Frank, “You’re no good at this.”

His friends shrugs, handing him a beer “Fair enough, although to be said it’s because you’re not giving me much practice.” He ignores Frank’s raised eyebrow as he goes on “I saw you with a nice looking blonde lady at lunch. In the dinner across the street Care to elaborate on who she is?” Frank points at him with his beer as he goes to fetch a glass for a client “You’re too curious for your own good, Curt” Curtis comes back to stand in front of him “So? Who is she?” Frank shrugs “Just the florist from across the street, the one who opened about a little more than a month ago. She’s doing a decorative project with every business in the street and wanted to talk about it with me, for the parlor.” “Yeah? That’s nice. Did she take all the other shop owners out for lunch?” asks Curtis with a smirk. Frank glares at him. “Don’t be stupid, she's nice.”

Curtis leans on the counter with a frown, “So what does that mean Frank? Why would her being nice means nothing could happen? Don't you deserve someone who is nice?” Frank shakes his head “Come on Curtis, it's not that. It’s just...it’s not like that. Don't you have customers you should attend to or something to do anywhere else?” “What you gonna do? Throw me out of my own bar?” Frank laughs, “Eh, I might try.” “Yeah, yeah, ok I see...Listen, I’ll drop the subject. Just...Sometimes it's good to let things happen. Don't be a wallowing asshole, Frank.” the man says as he cleans a glass. “How many times a day do you say that, Curt? Five? Ten? Don't you get tired of it ?” His friend points at the door, grinning. “I'm thinking of renaming my bar like that actually. What do you think?” “Get outta here”, he laughs. “You can’t tell me to just get out of my own bar, Frank.” “Watch me.”

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The next day, Karen decides to take a break as the shop is quiet and she suspects that, with the rain pouring down, not many people are going to come buy flowers at lunch time anyway. She crosses the street after hesitating for a while to go visit Frank or not. She decide that their conversations have been friendly enough so far and that there’s nothing forbidding her to go see him.

To her surprise, it’s not him she finds as comes in the parlor. Instead of the tall dark-haired man, a young man stands at the desk. Quickly getting over her surprise, she asks for Frank and the guy tells her that he is out and won’t be back before a few hours. She goes back to her shop wondering who the guy is and thinking that maybe it's for the best if she doesn't see Frank again on a third day after basically forcing him to have lunch with her yesterday. He's probably busy and has other things to do than chat with her about flowers or any other subject.

It doesn’t seem to be the case as he comes by a few hours later wondering if something's wrong and apologizing for not being there when she came in earlier. She waves his apologies off. “There’s nothing to be sorry about Frank. Don’t worry. I was just wondering if the young man I met was your assistant? I didn’t know you had someone working with you.” “Oh yeah, he’s my apprentice, he’s nice. He’s a kid that Curtis worked with in his veteran group and he seemed pretty into what I was doing so I thought I’d give him a chance. He only started last week.” “That’s really good what you’re doing. Giving him an opportunity like that,” declares Karen. Frank shrugs, “Yeah well, you gotta help your own, you know?”. She smiles, nodding.

“But he didn’t tell me what you came for so I was worried it might have been important.”adds Frank. She reassures him with a smile “I was just wondering if...we could have a chat over lunch, but now it’s obviously too late.” He shifts on his feet. “Oh yeah, you probably have questions left about the project?” “Yeah, a bit,” she shrugs – none really, but it didn't stop them from chatting yesterday so they can use that as an excuse as many times as they want as far as she's concerned. “Ah, I’m really sorry I missed you coming at the parlor, I was just out picking up stuffs and...I apologize.” “Stop apologizing, Frank,” she laughs,” It’s okay, really.” He nods, seemingly relieved, and steps up to the counter where she’s working on a package.

“Have you started working on the arrangements yet? For the shop?” She signals for him to pass her the scissors next to his hand on the counter “No, not yet, I’m working on the ones I first went to see. The lingerie one and the bakery.” He hands her the scissors and aks, “Can I see? “ “The arrangement?” He nods at her question. “Are you sure? It's just drawings and samples right now, it's not really interesting.” explains Karen. “Nonsense, it's your work. I just... I just wonder how you do it you know? How you come up with ideas and all that,” he shrugs. “Oh well, if you want, sure! Come in.”

She stands up and walks to her workshop in the back, “I don't think it's much different from how you work, in concept, except that instead of drawing flowers, I use them.” “Yeah,”he mutters, “I bet you don't have anyone asking you for a bouquet in the shape of a pin up fish riding a tricyle”. She stops in her tracks and turns to face him “What?” He laughs at her reaction. “Wait, someone really asked you for a tattoo of that?” He nods, “Oh yeah they had even done the drawing and everything...” “How was it?” she asks biting her lips with a smile and he shakes his head. “Christ, it was awful.” “I'm guessing you said no.” “Course I said no! I'm a respectable tattoo artist, I don't do fish fetishism.” She can’t stop laughing as she pictures the scene and he joins her in her workshop.

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Over the following weeks, they get a habit of visiting the other at least once a day, or more, for a coffee. He sometimes bring her a cup if he hasn’t seen her leave her shop in a while, knowing that she doesn’t have a coffee machine. She jokes that he is fueling her addiction to coffee and the next day, he brings her a cup of tea - “I bought a kettle for tea. I can’t drink that warm water, I need something stronger but I figured this would be nice for you to drink sometimes, it’s supposed to be relaxing or something like that. Well, that’s what the lady at the shop says, I don’t drink that shit”-. She laughs and thanks him, touched by the fact that he bought something for her, and included something permanent in his business for her.

[He first thought about buying the kettle and giving it to her, but he selfishly wanted a reason to keep on visiting her.]

Now, he alternates between coffee and tea when he brings her a cup and she has to guess which one it is. Sometimes, she comes into his shop when she doesn’t have customers and they chat for awhile. She looks over at his new designs and he makes sure to tell her some of the ridiculous requests he gets. They go on a few lunch breaks together which means that Frank keeps on being teased by Curtis as they always go to the dinner in front of his bar.

Frank has taken the habit of staying for a while everytime he brings her a cup and if he doesn’t have an appointment, especially at the end of the day. At first, he would leave as soon as the cup was in her hands but she asked him to stay for awhile and so he did. And she asked the second time and he stayed again. She doesn’t have to ask now. This leads to regular quick, or not so quick, chats in her workshop while she works on her orders and flower arrangements.

He just stands there looking at her while she is working, observing her hands and her ability to combine colours and flowers, play with length and size, textures and smells...She can feel his gaze on her and it doesn’t feel awkward or insistent or like a pressure. Well, it is a pressure but a good one, that makes her skin tingles and her inside warm. He asks questions about flowers and designs and the orders she’s receiving but most of the time they just chat about their clients, the movies or books they’ve seen or read. He isn’t allowed to see the design she’s coming up with for his shop and he has a feeling that she’s taking longer for him than for the other - which is definitely true because she wants ait until she’s almost done with the others to truly start and she wants it to be perfect and also a small part of her feels reassured by the fact that if she isn’t done with it yet then it means they have a reason to stay in touch (although it’s been at least two weeks since they’ve dropped the pretense of chatting about her project everytime they meet).

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One morning, after coming in very early to finish an order that had just been picked up, Karen leaves her shop to visit Frank. She is used to seeing him across the street every morning when she opens up but she missed him by coming in so early and wants to see how he is, to keep up with their routine. As she closes her door, she notices that the curtains aren’t raised on the main window of the parlor which is odd. Arriving at the door, she finds a sign explaining that the parlor is going to be closed for two days. No reason is given. She goes to leave, disappointed that Frank hasn’t warned her but mostly worried, hoping that nothing bad has happened to him.

As she is about to cross the street, a voice calls her name and, turning around, she recognizes the owner of the bar from the other side of the block. He’s introducing himself as Curtis and explaining that Frank is inside. They saw her outside, he says, and Frank is asking for her. She hurries in the parlor wondering what’s happening if Frank isn’t coming out himself and is struck by what she finds inside.

Frank is sitting on one of the chair with bruises on his face and what looks a lot like a bandage around his chest. She brings a hand to her mouth with a sharp breath. Before she cans say anything, he looks up and she notices a deep cut on his collarbone that seriously looks like it needs stitches.

As soon as he sees the look on her face he goes to stand up, “Do you need anything?” She scoffs, “Do I need anything? Don’t be ridiculous Frank, you’re hurt. Badly.” He stands up fully, “If you need anything I can…” She shuts him up,“I don’t need anything, I just wanted to see you.” “Oh”, he seems startled by that and she notices how Curtis, now standing next to Frank after making him sit down, looks away from them to search for something in his first aid kit.

She takes a few steps closer to stand by him “Jesus, Frank, what happened?” “I, ouch, I got into a fight yesterday with a few guys trying to attack a girl when I was coming back from the boxing club.” “You should have come to me right away instead of waiting for the morning,” sighs Curtis. “The girl called the cops, I had to make a deposition and it was late when I came home. I just wanted to sleep Curt. I took painkillers and put on bandages. I was fine.” Curt sighs looking at the cut on his shoulder, “Fine, he says...This is going to need a few stitches.” “You do what you gotta do, Curt.” “Yeah, yeah I know the song” says his friends as he pulls the thread and needle from the box.

“So what happened exactly?” asks Karen Frank clenches his jaw as Curtis forms the first stitch on his collarbone, “I just saw two guys pulling this girl into an alley and heard her scream, I ran and when I arrived they were pushing her against the wall so I attacked them.” He says it almost nonchalantly as if it was part of his daily routine and as if he wasn’t being stitched up without anesthesia right at the same time. “Attacked them?” “Yeah. They did tried to fight back and one of them had a knife. I got distracted because they had a dog and I didn't want him to get hurt, so the guy got me but I still broke one this fucker’s arm and probably a few of his ribs and the other one just went straight up unconscious after a punch.” “...Jesus, how hard do you punch Frank?” He shrugs, receiving a light punch on the stomach from Curtis to make him stay still, “Hard enough.”

And as weird as the situation is, Karen can’t help but laugh a little. Her laughter is nervous and shaky and apparently Frank can feel that. He looks up at her, who’s now looking over him biting her lips, “Hey, I’m fine. It’s not too bad.” “You’re getting stitches and your ribs are bandaged and your face is covered in bruises. I don’t call that fine, Frank. I call that hurt and beaten up.” He grunts, “I’ve had worse, I’ll get over it. I heal fast.” She takes a step closer and crosses her arms “It’s not a reason!” He frowns “So what? I was supposed to just stay there and do nothing uh? Just walk past them and let her attack her? Would that have been better, uh?” “Frank, don’t be like that,”says Curtis. “Of course not!”, exclaims Karen “Of course you shouldn’t have just walked past it! I’m glad you stopped them and that they got arrested. But...but when you get hurt you need to take care of yourself. If that happens again, you go straight to see Curtis, okay?” He opens his mouth to speak but before he has the chance to say a word, she repeats “Straight to Curtis.” He nods, “Okay.”

“And”, she takes another step further, “If he’s not there, you come to me.” He nods again. “Okay?” she insists. “Okay”, he replies. “Okay”, she repeats softly Curtis looks up at her with a look between bewildered, as if he can’t quite believe that she just gave an order to Frank Castle, and that he said yes, and appreciative.

She lets out a breath and, resisting the urge to run her hand through Frank’s hair, she asks if someone wants coffee. Both Frank and Curtis nod and she hurries to Frank’s office to prepare it. She likes his office, she thinks, as she enters the room. It’s different from the rest of the shop, a bit darker without the big windows at the back and the front of the shop, it’s almost bare and yet it feels very Frank. There is a picture of his family on his desk, a few papers and doodles next to the computer.

She prepares the coffee and heads out with the cups on a plate. She stays until Frank’s stitches are done, sitting next to him, at first in silence before he starts asking her questions as he always does and she entertains him and Curtis with tales of her clients and some of the craziest things she has had to create during her studies. Despite the fact that Frank is getting stitched up and is bruised next to her, it feels so natural and comfortable to sit there in his shop and chat quietly. Curtis is nice and once he leaves, she shifts closer to Frank, helping him close his shirt, trying hard not to stare at his chest too much or keeps her fingers there too long. He thanks her with a smile and she tells him to go back home. He refuses of course, and she has to go back to her shop, worried that he is going to overwork himself.

#kastle #kastle ff #kastlenetwork #kastlelibrary #karen page #frank castle #my writing #Hope you like it!

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newbarksbreeder · 7 years ago

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We know each other since day 1... we became good friends... everywhere you would go, I never bothered to go with you. I was happy when you were there with me too...Perhaps destiny split our ways, but I was still there... I will never know what you been through but I tried my best

I always tried to cheer you up and make you smile, your smile was contagious to me... I loved to see you smile, how your eyes would squint and that chuckle you would have left out often... but sometimes you would just reject my words... I never knew whether you were that hopeless... or you just wanted me to tell you everything was okay, I was there for you... I still am...

I knew it was gonna happen... I tried to avoid it... but I couldn’t fool my own heart. I fell in love with you... and nothing seemed to change... I still loved to be with you, I still loved to make you smile... sharing my best moments with you and opening my heart

... but I knew deep inside what was going to happen...

I knew... I knew... I knew...

I realized how you seemed to be happy with my company... with my care... we still went everywhere together...

You took my hand... our fingers intertwined clumsily... you laughed everytime because my fingers were so chubby... I laughed because yours were so long... I thought they fit together so well.. I loved kissing your hands... I loved how your fingers went through my hair and caressed my soul

All the teasing... the silly faces... the tickles... sitting in the same chair so close to each other I could drown in your scent... that familiar scent I could recognize everywhere...

The laughs during the only class we shared... the laughs during the lunch, during the night... your wake up messages... my goodnight wishes.... a permanent silly smile on my face... telling each other the most trivial things... happy nuzzles... a great day together in your city... the promised adventures...

...

... your breakdowns... my concern... I was always there... and you made me feel I was the only one...

I wasn’t

... and I knew...

You still loved HER...

A date. I was so happy to eat with you... but you weren’t there with me... texting to someone else as I was eagerly chatty... The food was spoiled... we were sick... “We will never eat out again” ... but your words made me worse

The teasing stopped... you only replied shaking your head, denying me what once made me happy... what once you did spontaneously

Your cold replies... your scolds... just to me... not to this girl. Not to HER. I hated both... but now I know it wasn’t the girl’s fault... but yours... you pushed me aside... I stayed

... and somehow I can’t recall, you came back, everything was the same again, I thought... but there was a thorn in my heart... the caresses returned, the hugs... the laughs...

... “that’s how i call HER”...

...the dump in my heart...

“Let’s have lunch!”... of course... just you and me... the table full... but just us

... my love bites... my teasing... you bit my ear... I bit you... you kissed my neck as if you were waiting for years to do so...

...I should have took that bus with you...

... did i feel your regret?

Yet again... somehow you would come close again... lunches together, love bites... teasing... laughs... goodnight messages... new thorns

... but I loved you...

... your breakdowns again... “Why would someone want to be with me?”... I would “Why? I always tease you and ignore you...” I told you why... you changed the subject

Your birthday... my gift... that day you didn’t took the bus with me... you opened it at the end of the day... and asked “Why?” “I dont deserve this...”

Now I could agree with you... but I only told you why again... you changed the subject

... you loved that shirt...

“I will always refuse your invites”

I cried like a little girl... until you seemed so hurried to see me again...

“We should go eating that icecream from the bet you lost” Yes... but you said you would always refuse... you felt silent as I reminded you

... yet you wanted have lunch again... laugh... another girl appeared... she’s just a friend

... that home alone joke... I never expected you to come... my heart dumped... of joy... but you were texting those girls... while you said you didn’t want to leave

... the love bites under the tree... the silly drawings i did of us...

... the kisses in the tennis court... you always avoided my lips... the hickey...

your friend’s comments... the other girls mentioned... the implies i was just another one...

... your text... “I don’t want anyone to think beyond”

You ignored me... “Its just your imagination” they said...Perhaps? You could be just stressed out by the exams... you would come back after they were done...

That bittersweet birthday greet... yet you were the “first”

You came back as I thought... that humble invitation ... my late birthday gift... “Let’s go out together” The lame excuse to return me my glasses

I said yes...

... that awkward planning... how you didn’t want me to meet your brother... I had lunch alone... you were so distant... the awkward chat... my stubborness, my hugs, my nuzzles...

We had shared so many pizzas before... but this felt like the best... I took my time to eat it as I never did with any food... I had to stop to stare at you and smile... I was so happy... the best late birthday gift...

You left the glasses at home... and we went there... the hot day... sharing a pocky in the sofa... my teasing...

Your kiss... OUR KISS...

The climax of my happiness...

Your carresses... your mad heart beat... my small kisses... I love you... thanks for the greatest birthday gift ever...

... you held me close but and didn’t kiss me back anymore... your short breath and wet eyes, “I have to tell you something. You will hate it”...those words that shattered my heart

“We should have not done that”

But we did... we already did... how could you undone what you did!

“I tried to get away from you”

... I was right

Yet you couldn’t...

The phone call... my sister telling it was late I should go back... I did so... a weird walk... “I am not ready” I tried to pretend I didn’t care about the kiss..

You always say a thing and do the opposite

You let me at the subway... the violinist made my eyes wet... I didn’t want to leave you... your face like a 5 years old about to cry... you made me feel like the guilty... “Don’t leave like this, please dont be mad”

How I was suppose to leave? How couldn’t i be mad?... I wasn’t mad... I was devastated... the tears running down my face as I came back home... my sister’s advice... your worries about my safe arrival...

We pretended nothing happened... you reprobed your exam... I couldn’t be there for you... you didn’t let me... you had your “FRIEND”... she came to me and talked shit about you, how you rejected her... she made me confess I loved you... about our kiss... she blocked you... I thought...

“I’m going out with my girl friends... well... one...” Why you told me that? Okay...

... and suddenly you stop talking to me that summer... that summer I thought I would enjoy as much as the last... with you... our jokes and long chats at night... they faded away...

It was like you died... I mourned your loss... but you were still there... I could see you... I tried to pretend nothing happened... but your replies were cold, harsh... more thorns...

I stopped talking to you...

... The hopes of having another lunch with you the first day of the semester... your FRIEND was there... did she blocked you? did she told you about what i said? did she put you against me? what did she say?...

I started avoiding you to heal my heart... you didn’t want to talk to me after all... i felt like an alien to you... she showed with you yesterday... and took you away

Your friends comments... they were just jokes about you two... jokes that hurt so much

I will avoid them too...

... your silly excuses to talk to me again... your regret at the second reply...

Seen.

Did you ever really valued me? Did you ever loved me? Do you love me yet and try to go against it? ... Do you hate me now? ... was it something I did?

Now she’s always with you... she see you smile... you avoid me like the plague...

... but you still come back...to leave me everyday...

and I still have the hope everything will be like the old times... the lunches, the bites... another kiss...

until I remember how you refused me, how you hid me... how you treated me...

... and my heart shatters again, tears down my face...

... will you ever let it heal?

#long rant #vent #i started writing this full of hate but i dont even know anymore #own drama don't bother reading just had to let it out

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sapphicalexaandra · 7 years ago

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Impossibility Is a Kiss Away from Reality (10/?)

Pairing: Jace/Alec

Rating: E

Summary: Alec finally goes to the psychologist, but her advise might not be what he had hoped for...

Notes: Chapter 10 of Sense8 AU. I can’t believe we’re already this far! This is turning out my longest story so far, i hope it’s still intriguing :)

Not a Date

Of course, he had known all along that he was being stupid, foolish, a dumb idiot for avoiding his problems by plunging right into them without a parachute on. And now that he had fallen, the climb back up would be a bitch.

Alec only hoped that his family wouldn’t notice how bad things were. He had done exactly what he had told Izzy he would not do; he had become depressed by being all alone for a few weeks. He had lost touch with reality, lost all wish to be in it, in favor of a rosy and cozy domestic life with a ghost.

He called that psychologist.

“Office of Doctor Tessa Gray, how may I help you?” a male voice answered.

“Uhm, hello,” Alec started awkwardly, “my name is Alec Lightwood, and I...would like to book an appointment with Doctor Gray. This week, preferably.”

“Oh, yes, Mr. Lightwood. Would tomorrow at 3 p.m. work?”

Alec was caught off guard for a moment, before he checked himself. “Yes, yes, of course, tomorrow is fine. Thank you.”

“See you tomorrow, then, Mr. Lightwood.”

The call ended, and Alec was left with a weird feeling. It had all been so quick and almost too easy; it truly seemed like they had been expecting him very eagerly.

Well, his father must’ve told the doctor about him, right? Nothing unusual. He had to remember that the world was still as normal as it came.

The next day, Alec would’ve run to the appointment, if he could have. Instead, he took the subway, arriving there a quarter of an hour early.

He had to thank his nervousness, though, because it took all that time to find the right building. The address written on the business card led to a rather uncharacteristic area for hosting an office, especially if one considered that it was for a doctor as prestigious as a psychologist should be. You would expect a more prominent and clean street, for one. Alec had to wonder where the hell his father had sent him to…but he should just trust him, right? It had clearly done Robert good, after all.

Finally, Alec knocked on what he hoped was the right door.

A slot immediately opened in it, a pair of distinctively blue eyes locking on to him, as a male voice – not the one that had answered the phone yesterday – asked, “Name?”

“Ehm…Lightwood. Alec Lightwood, I have an appointment with Doctor Gray?”

The man surveyed him a moment longer, then he swiftly closed the slot, and Alec heard a few locks being turned before the door was opened. “She’s waiting for you.”

As he walked a dimly lit corridor, Alec suddenly wished that he had his gun with him, because he was sure that the man walking behind him – almost as tall as him, fit, probably around forty, judging by some grey sprinkled in his dark hair – was still staring at him far too fixedly, in a way that made Alec’s hair stand up at the back of his neck. This place also became stranger and stranger the further he got into it. Too dark, too isolated, too...secretive.

And not knowing whether he could trust his instincts – sharply honed through years of service, now possibly clouded by an altered mind? – was the most stressing factor.

Nothing happened, though, and they reached the office in all quiet, the strange man closing the door behind him.

This room was at least much better; clean and nicely furnished with soft-looking couches and rugs almost covering the entire hardwood floor. Doctor Gray was a beautiful woman, most likely in her forties too, and she regarded him from her chair with a sharp, but gentle look.

Alec smiled at her, and, when she mirrored him, he felt a little more at ease.

“Hello, Mr. Lightwood. Pleased to meet you. Please, sit wherever you want,” she told him kindly.

“Hello. The feeling is mutual, Doctor Gray, and you can call me Alec,” he replied, choosing the chair closest to the door.

The doctor was still smiling. “If I can call you Alec, then you can call me Tessa.”

Alec simply nodded.

“I know that your father gave you my number, and he’s told me some things, but I want to hear from you why you are here. Why do you think you’re here?”

Alec pondered the question. “I was involved in the shooting of two weeks ago. It was standard procedure, which has become far too necessary these days and never fails to be horrible, but…I’ve always done my job impeccably. I never let anything distract me from the objective. But, I got distracted. I froze, and I got shot. People are worried that I’m hiding deeper problems, that might’ve caused me to freak out like that.”

The doctor raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t ask why other people think you should be here, I asked why you felt the need to come to me. You must’ve thought hard about it, to take all this time. Do you think you have these ‘deeper problems’?”

Alec swallowed. “I – I do. But it’s not exactly what my family thinks. I…it’s nothing like they would ever imagine, actually.”

Alec paused. Had he thought this through? Could he tell a complete stranger about his hallucinations? What if he was locked up for good? What if he couldn’t do his job anymore?

Tessa must’ve noticed his distress, because her tone of voice turned more soothing, “This is a safe space for you, Alec. Nothing we say here will get out unless you decide it. I know trust needs to be gained, and I’m willing to earn yours. Tell me what happened.”

Alec wringed his hands, as his leg bounced up and down. He had to clear his throat a few times. “I – I saw something. Someone, that others couldn’t see. That’s why I got distracted. And I keep seeing him, all the time, and I don’t – I don’t understand how, or why, or why now. I’ve never had something like this happen to me before, and there’s nothing physically wrong with my brain, I checked. So I know that this sounds crazy, but I don’t know where else to turn to. Am I…going crazy?”

Alec looked up at the doctor, trying to convey with his eyes how much he needed her to make some sense of what was going on with him. To give him some hope.

The doctor crossed her legs. “What did this ‘checking’ that you’ve done entail?”

“A brain scan. It turned out normal,” Alec answered.

“Normal. What doctor treated you?”

“I don’t know if you know him...Doctor Pangborn.”

“Mhm,” Tessa made a sound, as she scribbled in a notebook.

Alec couldn’t help but worry about what she might’ve written in there. Maybe she thought he should’ve done more tests?

“Don’t alarm yourself so much, Alec,” Tessa, however, added, looking back at him more reassuringly. “Sometimes, our brains do provide us images and thoughts in the strangest, most mysterious of ways, especially of things that we’d never want to consciously think about. More often than not, it’s our subconscious trying to tell us something that we don’t know, or try to ignore about ourselves. And all we can do, is trying to interpret it. So you must be willing to tap into that, into yourself, Alec, and not simply ignore it or wish it away. It’s the only way to truly deal with what has been happening to you. I’m not saying it won’t be hard, and you’ll likely feel the need to put up some resistance to this seeming invasion of your mind, and it might be painful...but this is the only assistance I can offer you. Are you up to collaborate with me? Because if you are not, there is not much I can do for you.”

Alec nodded slowly. “Yeah, I – I’ll try to do…my best.”

Tessa’s gaze lingered on him a moment longer, before she seemed satisfied. “Tell me more. What, or who exactly do you see, and how?”

“I…” Alec cleared his throat, as thoughts of Jace started flooding his mind. “There was this guy, this man, just standing in the crowd during the shooting. I tried to help him, but then I saw people walk right through him. And the next thing I knew, I was somewhere completely different, nowhere I’d ever been, and I was just stunned into place…and that’s when I was shot. But that’s not all. I saw him again at the hospital, then in my apartment, and now I see him everywhere. Also in...London, apparently.” Alec’s hands were moving wildly as he tried to explain it all. “It’s just all so elaborate that I still can’t wrap my mind around it! This man, Jace, has a whole life, a story, he’s surrounded by so many other realistic people, and I don’t understand how it can be possible that I’m imagining all these details. It doesn’t feel like normal figments of imagination. I can sense Jace, I can touch him, sometimes I even think that I’m able to feel what he feels...I just, it’s just that, it could be that it’s because I’m feeling…lonely? I’m, you know, gay, and I haven’t been in many relationships, and the last one was…a long time ago, so this guy is just, it makes sense for this to be a fantasy that I’m creating for myself. He’s attractive, and he appears to like me, and we’ve shared all these...moments. It’s been just two weeks, but it feels like he’s been living with me forever, like I’ve been talking to him all my life...just, the perfect relationship one could ever hope for.” He chuckled bitterly. “And I can’t, I can’t keep this up. This fantasy is too real, and I’m afraid it will ruin my life, like it almost did already. I just want it to stop.”

Alec took a deep breath after he was done rambling. His head felt immensely big and hot. He couldn’t believe that all that had really come out of his mouth…but who else could he tell that to, without having them laugh in his face?

“It could be,” Tessa finally said, after pondering his words for a while. “When we’re lonely, and craving something, especially if we never let ourselves deal with how that makes us feel…it is possible.”

“But how do I make it stop?” Alec asked, bordering on desperate.

“You need to be patient, first of all,” Tessa stated. “Second of all, it’s still only a possibility. Don’t draw your own conclusions before actually investigating. Let me ask you a couple more questions. So, you’re completely sure this has never happened to you? Ever?”

Alec nodded. “Yeah. You think I would remember something like that, right?”

Alec chuckled again, but Tessa didn’t join.

“And how has this man been behaving? How does he react to you?” Tessa pressed on.

Alec frowned. “Well, lately he’s been trying to make me believe that he’s real. He’s very...passionate about it.”

“Can you see him now, too?”

Alec looked around, and he refrained from sighing. “No. I haven’t seen him since yesterday. Maybe...maybe he’s already gone for good. We kind of had an argument, and I told him to leave me alone. But I’m not so sure that it’ll stick, you know?”

Tessa nodded. “Why did you argue?”

Alec hoped he wasn’t blushing too obviously. “It was stupid, mostly. These moments that we have sometimes are...intense. A lot. I’m not very, you know, sexually active, usually, but it’s been really charged, with Jace. So we were sparring, and I was feeling things, and then I caught myself and went away, and later I saw Jace...being with someone else, and it upset me even if I know that it’s just a fantasy. Jace was then angry with me, yelling that I should be honest with myself and stuff and admit that I was bothered, and that he’s real.” Alec let out a sound of frustration, rubbing his eyes with thumb and forefinger. “It’s all so confusing.”

“Mhm,” Tessa made another sound, as she scribbled something else in her notebook.

“I’m pathetic, aren’t I?” Alec added deprecatingly.

“No.” Tessa looked back at him. “We don’t use that word here. Our dreams and struggles are not pathetic, so I don’t want you to beat yourself up over this, Alec.”

Alec lowered his eyes, forcing himself to nod.

“Now, I will ask you to do something, and you’ll have to promise me to do it.”

Alec looked back up at her.

“Like I already said, you can’t simply wish this all away or avert your eyes. I’m not asking you to lose yourself in this ‘fantasy’, as you call it. One hour a day, that’s all. In that one hour, let yourself delve into it, focus all your thoughts on it, so that, hopefully, the rest of the time you’ll be freed of it, since you gave it the time it needed. If one hour is not enough, try two, at most. No more. It’s better if you even time yourself, and, if you feel like it, try writing down what you see, what you feel, what you discover during that time. When we see each other in a week, you’ll bring all that to me, and we’ll analyze it together.”

Alec opened his mouth, a protest almost about to escape him...but he nodded again. This was rather the opposite of what he had wanted, or thought would happen, but he was still determined to trust her and her judgment. Plus, it was not as if he knew a better way to deal with it.

Alec sighed. He needed to go back to Jace.

“What’s the problem? Why did you call me here?” Jace asked as soon as he entered Clary’s and Simon’s apartment.

The place was a roomy open-space, the walls laden with Clary’s paintings and photographs, while Simon’s instruments rested in a corner. Usually, he liked the sight. Now, he would’ve rather not been there.

The two of them smiled up at him from the couch.

“Hey, do you need a reason to come over, now? I’m offended that we had to call you,” Simon said.

He was only half-serious, so Jace didn’t mask his mood. “Well, I could’ve been doing something important.”

“Were you?” Clary put in, arching an eyebrow at him.

Jace rolled his eyes, before he flopped down at the other end of the couch, crossing his arms. “Now I can’t, can I?”

“Then you can easily watch a trashy movie with us,” Jonathan said cheerfully, coming in from the kitchen with a bowl of popcorn in hand.

Jace huffed. “Seriously? Listen, guys, I don’t have time for this, I have stuff...”

“Hey, it’s okay, we can do something else,” Clary quickly said. She adjusted herself on the couch to better face him. “Actually, we could talk? It feels like we haven’t talked in such a long time.” She smiled.

Jace frowned. “We always talk. What are you talking about?”

Jonathan sat on a puffy chair at the other side of the couch, and now all three of them were staring at Jace.

“Well, mate,” Simon started tentatively, “you have to admit that you’ve been rather...distracted, these past few weeks.”

Jace’s heart started thumping in his chest. “Why – why do you say that?”

“Hey, it’s understandable,” Jonathan said, putting his hands up. “And we’ve given you space...but you know you shouldn’t let things stew for too long. You know you have us you can talk to.”

A light went ding in Jace’s head. “Oh. No, guys, I’m fine.”

“Are you?” Clary looked pointedly at him. “Because Maia told me...”

“Maia? Are you shitting me?” Jace abruptly got up, suddenly wishing to be there even less than before. “She had no right to tell you anything, I can’t believe...!”

“It’s okay, Jace. I don’t know what happened exactly, she just told me you left her that you were quite upset, and she wanted to know if you were okay,” Clary added hastily, getting up as well.

Jace paused. “Still, it’s none of your business.”

“Jace,” Jonathan jumped in, in a serious tone uncharacteristic of him, “we’re your friends, your family. We get what you’re going through, and if you can’t talk to us...”

“Do you?” Jace burst out, unable to stop himself. “Do you really get it? Do we still have to act as if it was the same thing for you two?!”

He looked between Clary and Jonathan, who looked uneasily at each other.

“Jace...” Clary started.

“No, Clary. Valentine might be your father, but you never even met him. You never knew him. It was not you whose life he ruined, nor you who he beat up!”

Jace felt frantic, winded, out of his mind. He knew he shouldn’t have said that, and that they didn’t deserve it, but he couldn’t bring himself to regret his words. Because it was something he had always believed and could never admit to himself, nor them; that nobody would ever get him.

All three of his friends were stunned into silence, and Jace simply left the room.

“Wait, Jace, don’t...!”

He slammed the door on Clary’s voice.

“Who – who beat you up?”

Jace closed his eyes for a moment, but he didn’t stop climbing down the stairs, nor walking at a furious pace on the pavement, his heart beating like crazy.

“Jace?”

You know what? He did stop, rounding in on Alec with all the fury that had been building up in him the past two days.

“Valentine Morgenstern,” he barked. When he noticed people looking at him strangely, he pressed a hand against his ear to mask it as a call. “My parents’ killer. He kidnapped me as a baby and raised me for eight years. He almost killed me, reducing me to a pulp, before he got caught and imprisoned.”

He resumed his steps, not waiting to see Alec’s reaction. He heard Alec follow him.

“Wait, wait, Jace...”

Jace ignored him, looking straight ahead.

“Jace!”

Jace felt a hand grab his arm and spin him around. Meeting those dark and deep eyes again was more painful than he would’ve thought. No, he should’ve known.

Jace didn’t say anything, and he simply stared at Alec’s mouth opening and closing a few times. “Jace, I’m so sorry. I – why didn’t you tell me?”

“Why didn’t I tell you? Are you serious? Why should I tell someone who doesn’t think I’m real...”

Passersby were now giving him dirty looks, so Jace let out a sound of frustration and grabbed Alec by the arm, dragging him to a side alley.

"Why did you come back, huh?" Jace asked Alec, fixing his eyes on him and reveling in watching him squirm.

"I...” Alec’s Adam apple bobbed up and down as he gulped. “My therapist told me that I can’t ignore this, I need to tap into it if I want to..."

"Get rid of me," Jace concluded for him.

Alec bit down on his bottom lip. He didn’t need to say anything else.

"And how does she think this works, if I may know? What does this 'tap into' entail?"

Alec’s eyes wouldn’t focus on him. "I should listen to what these visions are trying to tell me."

"Ah!"

"I don’t think she means that I should listen to you...just that I need to understand why I’m having this hallucin-"

"Don’t you dare say that word to my face again, Alec. I don’t care what your therapist says, you will listen to me.” Jace inhaled sharply. “If you really wanted to understand what this is, you would’ve looked me up!"

Alec blinked. "What – what do you mean?"

"Don’t you want proof of my existence or not? Why haven’t you looked me up? You know what I do, you must realize that my band and I are all over social media, we've released an EP, we have a youtube channel! But you haven’t even tried to look for it, cause you’re too scared to face the possibility that all this is reality. So whatever, Alec, if you’re not really trying to understand, there is no point in me still talking to you."

He turned on his heels, determined not to look back.

He was stopped by a hand grabbing his elbow. "Wait, Jace, please, that’s not what I – I just don’t understand how you can accept this so easily!"

Jace shrugged himself off and turned back around in one furious motion. "You think this is easy for me?!" Jace scoffed loudly. "Do you realize what...?"

He was suddenly unable to look Alec in the eyes. He was biting his lip so hard that he tasted blood. But it was now or never, wasn’t it?

"I haven’t had a rosy life,” he added with a laugh. “Valentine raised me for only eight years, and you would think that’s nothing compared to the twenty years that have passed since then...but it’s not! Do you have any idea how long it took me to be just a functional human being? And even then, I still can’t, I can’t connect with people. Valentine’s shadow is always with me. Two of my best friends – yes, the siblings I both fucked – are Valentine’s biological children! I needed that connection to get close to them, because they already knew him, so I didn’t fear to scare them off or end up hurting them because I’m too fucked up! Actually, scratch that, I totally did hurt them for this. And it’s no better with anybody else, I’m so scared of tarnishing their lives with my problems that of the countless people I know, nobody really knows me. Even my own grandmother...I love her and I’m forever grateful for everything she’s done for me, but even she doesn’t get me." He met Alec’s eyes. "So whenever something good happens to me, I can’t just let it go! It’s too rare!"

Alec visibly gulped again. "You call this good?" he croaked.

"Not this." Jace, impulsively, desperately, took Alec’s hand and pressed it against his own heart. "You."

Alec stopped breathing, looking down at their joined hands.

“You’re different,” Jace said, his voice cracking, “I’m not saying that I understand what is going on any better than you, but I... I’ve connected with you in a way I haven’t with anybody else. I never open up with people so soon or so willingly. Yet...how long has it been? Less than a month, right? I want to do that with you. And I have. I’ve shared things with you, my life, my passions, my struggles, and you’ve done the same, haven’t you? Don’t deny it.” Alec was still looking fixedly at their hands, not meeting Jace’s eyes. “I already feel like I’ve known you...forever. And I know that you’re real, Alec, just like I know that I’m real, so, yes, no matter how crazy it sounds, how crazy all this is, I’m glad it’s brought us together. I do see it as a good thing. Too good, even.”

Jace laughed, almost exhilaratingly, thinking back to the song he had sung to Alec. Their bodies had been just as close back then. Their skins, their entire beings, had vibrated against one another like they did now. Jace couldn’t resist placing his other hand over Alec’s heart, and he tried to look into Alec’s eyes to search for something. But Alec had closed them, and they were both still. Jace could hear how their heartbeats were in synch.

“Alec, please, I know you must feel something, too. I know you can feel how I’m touching you just as I can.”

Alec made a somewhat strangled sound, before he forcefully teared his hand away, retroceding until his back hit a wall. He stayed there, staring at the ground in front of him as his chest rose and fell unevenly. He pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes.

Jace deflated like a balloon. He didn’t want anything more than to just keep being angry at all that stubbornness...but he felt only sad. More than anything, he wanted to wrap his arms around Alec and hug him all day.

He didn’t dare. He didn’t want to distress Alec further.

Jace sighed. He took a few tentative steps forward, then he gingerly wrapped a hand around Alec’s wrist, tugging it.

“Come with me,” he told Alec, more gently than he thought he could manage.

When he didn’t stop pulling him, Alec wordlessly let himself be led away from that alley and into the busy street outside.

“Where – where are we going?” Alec finally asked, rather raucously, when they reached a bus stop.

Jace shrugged. “I just realized I never showed you around.”

Alec opened his mouth, most likely to protest, but the bus arrived in that moment, and Jace quickly got on it. His hand was still holding Alec’s wrist, so Alec couldn’t help but follow right behind him. Jace chose two seats on the second floor, the ones that faced the big front window. Every tourist deserved the best view, after all.

Alec stayed quiet the entire ride, and then the next one. He merely kept staring at everything – even though Jace doubted that he was really paying attention – until they reached their destination.

“Seriously?” was the first Alec said, as soon as he took in where they were.

Jace grinned. “It’s a classic.”

The queue to get on the London Eye was always a pain in the ass. And their still obstinate, prolonged silence only made it worse. So, when they finally stepped inside one of the passenger capsules, it took everything in Jace not to let out a big sigh of relief.

He didn’t know what his plan was, or if he even had one. He just wanted Alec to believe him.

Alec felt jittery and vaguely nauseous, and he didn’t know why he was still there, going with Jace on top of the London Eye. Because, while spending an entire hour with Jace was what Tessa had told him to do, he had no idea what the point of it even was. Everything was still the same; him being pulled in by Jace irreversibly, inescapably. And, surely, the last thing the psychologist had meant was for him to start believing that Jace was real.

Something that became harder and harder not to do.

“It really is a beautiful view,” Alec found himself saying.

The capsule was full of people, yet him and Jace were standing in a corner, looking out side by side, and Alec kept forgetting that they weren’t alone.

Jace suddenly took his phone out, and started typing in his notes.

It sure is, Alec read.

Right, Jace couldn’t very well talk out loud to himself.

When Alec raised his eyes from the phone, however, he immediately met Jace’s colorful ones, so that there was no misinterpreting what Jace had meant. Alec cursedly felt himself blush. Why did Jace have to be like that? And why did he have to have such beautiful eyes? Alec could swear he always got lost in them.

Sighing, Alec forced himself to break eye contact and resume his staring outside. They didn’t say anything else.

Next, Jace brought him to his favorite café in a less touristy part of town. All this travel was using up Alec’s time, so he covertly added one hour to his timer as they walked up to it. They were still not talking, but it had stopped being awkward at some point during the half-hour Ferris wheel ride. It felt more like...companionship, now. Jace bought a few of his favorite desserts to let Alec try them, and Alec found himself smiling more than once at Jace’s joy for it. He was surely a glutton, and Alec couldn’t really blame him once he tasted some of it.

Then they took the subway, and walked quite a while to reach a little park. Rosehill park, Alec read on a board.

Quite a few people were there, too, either laying on the grass or watching their kids playing around.

“Valentine used to bring me here.”

Alec froze, and looked at Jace’s downcast profile.

“Once a month,” Jace continued, “he let me go here and play with the other kids. It was almost the only time I was out of the house.”

Alec felt his insides almost turn to ice, as he stared at the rising terrain in front of them. A group of kids were running up the hill, laughing and pushing each other.

“Who comes last is a big dummy!”

“Don’t cheat, Jace!”

Alec hissed, bringing a hand up to rub his temple.

“What is it?” Jace asked him worriedly.

“Nothing, just...a headache.”

What had he just heard? It had felt like...a memory? But that couldn’t be right, could it? It was probably just the kids over there. They surely hadn’t said ‘Jace’, maybe...’Chase’?

“You want to go away?” Jace added, more forlornly.

Maybe he should’ve, but Alec was already shaking his head before Jace had even finished the sentence. “No, it’s okay. Just...why do you come here, then?”

Jace’s brow furrowed. “It’s a nice place, I like it. I won’t let Valentine take it away from me.”

Alec nodded wordlessly. He suddenly wished that this Valentine was right there in front of him, so that he could reduce him to a pulp. Alec already knew that the more he’d think about what Jace had revealed to him about his childhood, the more he’d get worked-up. How dare someone do that to...

“Hey, come on,” Jace urged him, taking a step forward.

Alec shrugged himself off. There would be time to elaborate that later.

They quietly walked up the hill. Once they reached the top, they turned around, and that was surely another memorable view, with the sunset tinging the sky and the city in a pastel glow. Again, however, Alec could feel that Jace’s eyes were solely on him.

Alec sighed. They couldn’t keep staying quiet for much longer, he understood that. He also realized that he still had no idea what to do, or to think. Because what Jace hadn’t realized, was that he wanted nothing more than to believe that he was real, and embrace everything that was happening. He wanted it so much that he knew that it just couldn’t be that simple.

It was indeed too good to be true.

“Jace...”

“Alec...”

Their eyes met, and they both chuckled.

Alec sighed again. “Listen, Jace...”

“No, Alec, please. Don’t say it.” Alec felt himself being spun around, a hand wrapped firmly around his elbow, as another went to cup his jaw. He stared helplessly into blue and brown eyes. “You still want to understand what this vision is trying to tell you? Well, this is what I tell you.”

He could’ve walked away and stopped it, it was not as if Jace didn’t give him the time. But Alec wasn’t as delusional as to think that he could ever not want it.

So he stood right where he was as Jace wrapped his arms around his neck, leaned his head upward, and pressed his lips against Alec’s. That was all Alec could do to stay still, before his own arms shot around Jace, and he drew him closer towards himself.

And they were kissing. Finally. Alec had wanted to do it two weeks ago, after all. And a moan felt stuck in his throat as his mouth slid against Jace’s, his tongue slipping out to taste him, to savor him.

Nothing anyone could ever imagine, that was what that kiss felt like. It didn’t feel like anything, actually, but rather...Jace reverberated on a higher frequency all around Alec, reaching something far deeper than his mere physical body. And Alec could sense everything; how their bodies pressed flush against each other, how Jace kept holding onto him more and more tightly, how Jace’s heels had left the ground to be able to reach Alec’s mouth. Alec thought he could taste and feel himself, not just Jace, in a ripple of multiplied sensations that one after the other caused whole waves of pleasure to propagate from every place of contact.

Jace’s hands went to cup the back of his head, and Jace seemed to be leaning away, but Alec didn’t let him. He captured Jace’s bottom lip and sucked on it, as Jace’s fingers tangling in his hair made him shiver. Alec’s mouth slid down Jace’s to lay kisses all over his jaw, and the side of his neck, while his hands were spread wide over Jace’s back, caressing it. He felt the vibrations of Jace’s moan under the skin he was tracing, but Jace’s hand soon led him back to his lips. Not before their eyes swiftly met, though, and Alec was lost once more.

He kissed Jace with renewed need. And he realized that his eyes were particularly stingy.

His timer went off, and Alec found himself back in his apartment, sitting on his bed, his arms circling nothing but air. He had never felt colder.

Alec curled in on himself and groaned as loud as he could. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...

No. No, no, no, no.

NO.

He could not do this. He would not do this!

Alec dived for his phone on the nightstand.

I’m sorry, I can’t come again, he wrote to Tessa, clicking send before he could think about it.

He would not do this.

#shadowhunters #jalec #jalec fic #my fic #my writing #sense8 au #impossibility is a kiss away from reality

3 notes · View notes

the-fault-in-our-regards · 8 years ago

Note

I'm sorry but, 1-100!! Love your blog x

eIs a kiss considered cheating? I personally think it is.

Have you ever faked orgasm? Sort of. oh no.

If you could have one superpower, what would it be? Telekinesis or reading minds? Maybe even flying.

Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years? I hope so.

Tell us some funny drunk story. I have never been drunk!!

Why are you no longer together with your ex? He was a dick, oops.

If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be? Peacefully

What are your current goals? To truly be happy in life.

Do you like someone? I love someone o:

Who was the last person to disappoint you? My parents.

Do you like your body? Lol no

Can you keep a diet? I haven’t started one before.

If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say? Love each other conditionally, the world is going to shit.

Do you work? Currently no.

If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, what would it be? Oh my, uhm, hm. I DON’T KNOW. POTAOES.

Would you get a tattoo? Yea, one day maybe.

Something you don’t mind spending all your money on? Band merch.

Can you drive? Yea.

When was the last time someone said you were beautiful? Yesterday

What was the last thing you cried for? I cried over dogs?

Do you keep a journal? Nope.

Is life fun? It has it’s moments

Is farting in front of people irrelevant? I don’t mind, just don’t be obnoxious about it if you do do it.

What’s your dream car? Haven’t thought about it. An Expensive one?

Are grades in school important? They don’t define a person, but sorta.

Describe your crush. He’s the best boy I’ve ever known and dated.

What was the last book/movie that really impressed you? The Lost City of Z (Really good movie!!)

What was your last lie? “Did you go and hangout with your bf” - No

Dumbest lie you ever told? That I was doing a project with my friends but I was seeing my then boyfriend. Stupidest decision I made 3 years ago.

Is crying in front of people embarrassing? It is for me.

31. Something you did and you are proud of? My photography! (http://www.instagram.com/caitlin_channn) Check it out!

What’s your favorite cocktail? Haven’t had alcohol.

Something you are good at? Photography!

Do you like small kids? Depends on how they act but yes.

How are you feeling right now? Slightly tired.

What would you name your daughter/son? Not sure yet!

What do you need to be happy? Self love/acceptance

Is there some you want to punch in the face right now? Myself?

What was the last gift you received? Doggos

What was the last gift you gave? A collage/drawing

What was the last concert you went to? Panic! At The Disco!

Favorite place to shop at? Hot Topic. Oh no.

Who inspires you? So many people?

How old were you when you first got drunk? none

How old were you when you first got high? none

How old were you when you first had sex? 17

When was your first kiss? When I was 14, in 8th grade.

Something you want to do until the end of this year? College decision.

Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done? Depression.

Post a selfie. Will do!

Who are you most comfortable around? My boyfriend.

Name one thing that terrifies you. Life.

What kind of books do you read? Any kind!

What would you tell your 12 year old self? Be happy with yourself.

What is your favorite flower? EVERY FLOWER

Any bad habits you have? I bite my nails.

What kind of people are you attracted to? Kind hearted souls

What was the last thing you cried for? The Office finale.

Is there something you don’t eat? I can eat onions but I hate them.

Some food that truly disgust you? Onions, Asparagus, liver, ew.

Are you in love? yea.

Something you find romantic? My boyfriend.

How long was your longest relationship? like 11 months .-.

What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex? 1. Many girls prioritize being skinny :( 2. Makeup? 3. Honestly everything.

What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex? 1. They think they have a higher pain tolerance level? lol no 2. They think that periods are always the cause. 3. Some guys are dicks in general.

What are you saving money for? Future purchases in general.

How would you describe your bad side? Scary but pretty sad.

Are you actually a good person? Why? I’d like to think so/selfless person

What are you living for? Myself.

Have you ever done anything illegal? Not that I know of.

Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally? I hope not, but I probably have?

Ever sent nudes? yea, I have.

Have you ever cheated on someone? NEVER

Favorite candy? Kit kat, Hershey cookies and cream, ALL CHOCOLATE

Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it!

Do you play any computer games? Undertale a long time ago.

What is your favorite game? hmm, Wii Sports.

Favorite TV series? I have so many, oh goodness. Supernatural, Stranger Things, Sherlock, Game of Thrones, Orange is the New Black, Doctor Who, Black Mirror, THE OFFICE, and many more. I have too many ;-;

Are you religious? Not really.

Does God exist? I’m not sure?

What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why? Tenth of December by George Saunders, quite a good book!

What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism? I don’t mind it.

How long have you been on Tumblr? 5 years!

Do you like Chinese food? Well I am half Chinese so yes!

McDonalds or Subway? Vodka or whiskey? Alcohol or drugs?

Ever been out of your province/state/country? Hong Kong!

Meaning behind your blog name? The fault in our stars!

What are you scared of? Death and spiders?

Last time you were insulted? Every now and then on Tumblr.

Most traumatic experience? Depression.

Perfect date idea? Honestly, just having a good time is ideal!

Favorite app on your phone? Instagram/Snapchat/Facebook messenger

What color are the walls in your room? Light light pink

Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber? I HAVE TOO MANY, AHHHHH

Share your favourite quote. “There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kind of the point?” - Pam Beasley.

What is the meaning of life? To make lemonade when you’re handed lemons? What else?

Do you like horror movies? YES.

Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened? Eh, no?

Do you feel lucky or special in a way? Yea!

Can you keep a secret? Of course.

Thank you!

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actuallyahorsewrites · 4 years ago

Text

This is the first, completed chapter of a new story I’m working on. Please do not even bother attempting to steal this, as it is basically a fictionalized account of my own shit, so, good luck, lol.

This is incredibly rough and unedited and definitely not my best writing, but maybe y’all can enjoy it anyway.

I gotta start somewhere, right?

Song credit is to the lovely Frank Turner (Tape Deck Heart, Tell Tale Signs) and the bar mentioned in this is Barcade in Philadelphia, a very real place.

Everything else is fiction.

Enjoy, I guess?

Gray clouds gathered in the distance, making the already cold, dreary streets absolutely miserable. Jamie shivered, drawing his thick jacket closer around him. No matter how much time he spent in Philadelphia, he would never get used to the winters here.

He had forgotten about the weird mixture of gentrification and abandonment that seemed to be the style in the city. It had been nearly eight years since he fled this place, and he was pretty sure he had purposefully erased most of it from memory. However, it seemed to him that the overall new coffee house and modern apartment vibe was starting to win out over the old, run-down warehouses and broken window aesthetic of the past.

Some things, he thought as he crossed a street and rounded an all too familiar corner, never changed. The familiar sight of his old apartment, complete with the homeless guy attempting to break into someone’s car, and the old couple yelling in Russian at each other was timeless. He half expected his ex-girlfriend to appear out of the door of one building, nagging him to get more candles next time he was at Target.

Jamie sighed. He knew coming here was going to be rough, especially coming back to his old street, but he didn’t realize that it would feel like it was yesterday that he had locked up and left for good.

He swallowed hard and turned away from the street. He had come here for a more specific than a walk down memory lane. Well. A different walk down memory lane, he supposed.

He turned a corner, letting his memories guide him down the sidewalk and underneath the subway. There were signs of growth everywhere, from a Starbucks across the corner in what used to be an abandoned air conditioning store to the perpetual potholes finally being filled in, to far less homeless people sleeping on the streets. In any other city, this might not have seemed like a sign of progress, but here, in this part of Philadelphia, it was almost a miracle.

A familiar faded brick building came into view, with a huge sprawling black sign declaring the building to be a bar with an arcade inside. His faint smile was bittersweet, memories starting to pile up as he crossed the street to the main entrance.

It was always strange, coming back to a place he hadn’t seen in years. Especially when it had been relatively untouched, as this bar had been. Sure, the people were different, and the specials were scrawled in a different handwriting, but the overall vibe and smell was the exact same. It was like walking into the past.

The room was long and lit by small, yellow tinged lamps that made it seem smaller. At it was, it was cramped, with a narrow bar crowded with stools and people, with an old jukebox blasting in one corner. An entrance to the arcade sat at the far end of the room, with the sounds of people screaming in excitement over the games they played.

Without thinking, Jamie made his way to the bar and ordered a Guinness. He sat down heavily on one of the stools to wait, his mind calming for the first time since he landed in this city hours earlier. This was what it felt like to come home.

Almost around the same time his beer arrived, the jukebox switched over to a faintly familiar song. The guitar was soft, yet persistent and he froze as he recognized it.

He hadn’t heard it in years--not since someone had used it as a parting line in a vicious fight that had ended a tumultuous relationship.

God damn it, Amy, we aren’t kids any more.

Jamie swallowed hard, trying to tamp down where his brain was dive bombing toward. He did not need to relive that set of mistakes tonight, not here, not now. Not when there were so many wrapped up in this bar alone worth reliving.

It seemed as the universe was determined to haunt him, however, as he caught a whiff of all too familiar shampoo.

Jamie froze. There was only person he had ever met that used that shampoo. That insane blend of floral and fruity, mixed with just an undertone of salt and sweat, enough to always drive him absolutely wild.

He turned, slowly, to his right. A slender woman, with long brown hair sat next to him, her face turned to the person sitting next to her. She was dressed in a well worn leather jacket and a pair of skinny jeans.

He would recognize the anxious tap of those long, slim fingers against her cider bottle anywhere.

You have got to be fucking kidding me, he thought, his heart pounding.

Mouth dry, palms sweating, he reached over and gently tapped her on the shoulder.

You know you kind of remind me of scars on my arms, the ones I know will never fade, that I covered with ink, but in the right kind of light still bleed through

“Amy?”

She turned to face him, a smile still present on her lips. It vanished instantly.

Jamie drank in her familiar, square jaw, long slender nose perched over soft, full lips before finally landing on those normally unreadable hazel eyes, now widened with surprise.

She gaped at him, revealing her once crooked teeth now straight.

“Son of a bitch,” she breathed. “Jamie?”

And just like that, it all came rushing back. Their first meeting, all those years ago, the seemingly endless conversations, the fights, the tears, and the inevitable good-bye five years ago that shattered him in ways he was still struggling to understand.

Fuck, he thought.

------------------- POV change ---------------------

Amy really wanted nothing more than to just curl up with a good book and a cup of tea in her pajamas, far away from everyone else. She really wanted to be underneath her warm quilts when the coming snowstorm hit, with the hope that work would be cancelled the next day due to weather.

But then, Drina’s boyfriend dumped her, and she was completely unable to be on her own, and couldn’t Amy please just come grab one drink with her so they could thoroughly thrash him to pieces?

It was truly the last thing Amy wanted to do. She loved Drina dearly, yes, but the girl went through boyfriends like Amy went through books; one a day, it seemed. There was only so much Amy could say that she hadn’t said before.

“But George could have been the one!” Drina groaned into her tequila sunrise.

Amy resisted the urge to sigh heavily. How many more times were they going to have to go through this?

“George was a sleaze ball,” she informed her friend. “He wasn’t fit to be in the same room as you, let alone date you.”

Dina sniffed. “You always know what to say, Amy,” she said. “What would I ever do without you?”

Amy often wondered that same thing, but kept that thought to herself. Instead, she took a long pull of her cider and gave her friend a knowing smile.

“You’ll never have to find out!” she declared.

It was a bit of a stretch. Amy tended to go through friends like Drina went through boyfriends, but that was more sheer bad luck and Amy running away from her problems all the time than any fault of her friends. Her longest friendship had lasted almost eight years before ending in a tragically bitter fight that left her leary of any long term commitments with anyone.

“You’re too good to me,” Drina said. “Let me buy you another drink!”

Amy went to protest, as she had barely drank any of her current one, but Drina was already flagging down a bartender to order more.

She sighed, tapping her fingers anxiously against the glass. She wondered how soon it would be before it was socially acceptable for her to bail, and then immediately felt guilty for doing so. Drina was a good person. A little high maintenance, sure, but who wasn’t?

The song on the jukebox changed and Amy’s blood instantly froze as she recognized the first, sad chords of the guitar.

It was a song that always brought back bad memories, no matter how much time and distance she tried to put between them and her current self. It didn’t help that Philadelphia was a hotbed of those memories, that this very bar was just a trigger waiting to be pulled, but she was muscling through most days.

I should make some excuse and get out of here, she thought. This song never failed to make her cry, both privately and publicly, and the last thing Amy wanted to do to Drina tonight was to explain her tragic dating history.

You can’t just keep waltzing in and out of my life, leaving clothes on my bedroom floor

Drina was talking about potentially moving to the back and playing some old school video games, or maybe even going somewhere else. Amy a little too enthusiastically agreed with the second suggestion.

“Are you okay?” Drina asked, giving her a curious stare. “You look weird.”

Amy flinched. “Sorry,” she said. “Too much to drink.”

The other girl gave her a questioning look, before shrugging. “Okay,” she said. “Let me go get the bill, and we can leave.”

She stood up and was gone before Amy could think to suggest splitting the bill. She sighed again, tapping the bottle harder as the song continued to play loudly in the background.

A gentle tap on her shoulder made her jump.

“Amy?”

Oh no.

She recognized that voice instantly. It took her back, to the first time she had ever come to this bar, to the years of her life she had wasted on someone who refused to love her back, to all the fights and tears and the reason why this song meant so much to her.

She slowly turned.

An all too familiar face stared back at her. A black paper boy cap was pulled down over what she assumed to be a bald head, shoulders hunched inside a patched gray jacket, a gaunt, pale face that still somehow managed to pull at her heartstrings. Those eyes, blue and searching, met hers and in an instant, Amy knew she was a fool to ever think she had truly put her problems behind her.

“Son of a bitch,” she breathed. “Jamie?”

#writing #contemporary #fiction #mine #a long five years #friendship #trauma #growing #actuallyahorsewrites #don't steal you idiots

0 notes

danaslewis · 5 years ago

Text

Covid19 in Britain and new respect for Front Line Workers

Speaker 1: 0:06

Hi everyone. I'm Dana Lewis and welcome to backstory,

Speaker 2: 0:13

mr speaker, when the prime minister return to work, he said that many people were looking at the apparent success of the government's approach. But yesterday we learned tragically that at least 29,427 people in the UK have now lost their lives to this dreadful virus that's now the highest number in Europe. It's the second highest in the world that's not success or apparent success. So can the prime minister tell us how on earth did it come to this? I mean, every day is a tragedy and he's right to draw attention to the, uh, appalling statistics.

Speaker 1: 0:56

Oh, our first edition comes to you under covid 19 lockdown. I'm in London, which is we speak is second only to the United States with the highest numbers of deaths in the world. In early March, we were all wondering why isn't the government doing anything here? Italy, Spain, around the world, businesses were shuttering, death tolls, rising, and the UK was running hot, keeping the subways and buses jammed with millions of people as the virus got deadly traction. In this first edition of backstory, we reflect on how we got here and later who are the unsung heroes who deserve more of our respect. Joining me on backstory, sir, ed Davey, the acting leader of the liberal Democrats, they are the opposition in the United Kingdom, one of the opposition parties. And I have to say it is one of the most sensible, sincere politicians I've met here. And you have a son with a compromised immune system, if I can characterize it as that, I mean anxious moments for everybody but including your family.

Speaker 3: 2:01

Yeah, it's been really tricky for everybody. Um, my constituents have been in contact in huge numbers with lots of problems, health problems with financial problems, people being stranded, rural people not accessing food. And I think those people who've got loved ones who are particularly vulnerable, uh, are being extremely anxious. Uh, the good news is my son's very well and we're fine. Thank you very much.

Speaker 1: 2:26

That's great news. I mean, you were called by number 10 Downing, I think early in March, I believe. For a background briefing.

Speaker 3: 2:33

Yeah, we had about three background briefings from number 10. I can't tell you they really told us anything particularly new or surprising. Um, and I actually think that government shouldn't be involving opposition parties far more. Uh, and I've certainly called for that. I think, uh, they're making mistake in not being more open and transparent.

Speaker 1: 2:55

Well, I mean, were they kind of warning you at the same time? Don't or panic

Speaker 3: 3:00

the public cause we could have looting or public disorder or worse? No, they weren't asking for that. To be fair, we were doing that ourselves. We were deliberately being supportive of the government while they appeared to be following the advice of the chief medical officer and the chief scientific advisor, the Democrats, uh, pride ourselves in believing the experts have a role. And if the experts are giving you advice that you should listen to it and follow it, unless there's a very good reason not to. And while experts of course can disagree and sometimes the politician has to sort of just between different experts, I think the experts were going very clear direction. So we were some being supportive. Um, however, it's got increasingly difficult as this crisis has gone on because frankly there's been such a shambles in so many areas. I'm puzzled by that because my kids were still in school in early March.

Speaker 3: 3:54

Italy was locked down, Spain was locked down. I started to take my kids out of school anyway, despite the fact that there were, there wasn't a government order at that time and sorted a lot of different parents. You could see the train coming down the tracks and here we are, the UK with the largest number of bests in Europe. How did it happen? Well, I think there's a number of reasons. I've actually called for a public inquiry, an independent judge led public inquiry because what would that tell essential that we do get to the truth?

Speaker 3: 4:22

Well, I think it should be set up now, although probably start work after the crisis is back under control and that needs to ask three questions. What did actually happen, get to the truth. He should then say, well what are the lessons to be learned? Because it could be another pandemic wave of wave of creative ice and another different virus, uh, in the not too distant future. So we must learn lessons and of course it should hold people to account. And the only reason I say that in response to your question about what went wrong is that I do believe we'll lead a very considered approach to that. I have my own views, I'm happy to share them with you now, but I do think ultimately we'll need a proper inquiry because this is such a devastating, devastating disease. So the government always says they we're following the science.

Speaker 3: 5:06

And that to me somehow sounds a bit hollow because while there was scientific advice, the scientist surely weren't telling them not to do testing and not to bother getting PPE protective gear out to nursing homes or to frontline workers in hospitals. So they were doing a lot less than following the signs. Well that's right. I mean I think ultimately they prepared badly. They ignored recommendations from previous reports. So giving example, there was a simulation exercise done four years ago called the Cygnus exercise, and that looked at what would happen if there was a pandemic, was Britain ready for it? And although they've not been transparent and published all the conclusions, we've heard some of them from people who are involved in that and they've said that they needed more ventilators, that there wasn't sufficient PPE, that we would need to have more critical care beds, etc. Etc. And the government did not implement those recommendations. And as we got through to early this year, they then acted very, very slowly despite having been told previously that they weren't well-prepared. You would have thought having got a report saying you're not well prepared, they would have acted far more quickly, but they didn't.

Speaker 1: 6:24

Will you give me an opinion? Did they act slowly? Did they not react to warnings? Did they not react even to some intelligence it was given to them because they're incompetent or because they simply

Speaker 3: 6:33

took a strategy

Speaker 1: 6:36

of some kind of herd immunity and they thought they just wouldn't be able to deal with this any other way?

Speaker 3: 6:42

Well, I generally don't know why they didn't move more fast, but pretty clear that the lockdown came too slowly, that they pushed forward on testing capacity far too slowly that they were absolutely laps a day sickle and slow on sorting out the protective personal equipment for frontline NHS and care workers. I think they'd been slow on looking at the care homes, their focus on the NHS. Well that's fine, but they forgot the care home sector, uh, and uh, until it was way too late. So they've been slow in so many areas. I'm pretty confident that public inquire would come to that conclusion.

Speaker 1: 7:21

Matt Hancock, the health secretary seems to have lied about testing numbers, pretending that they hit a hundred thousand a day. Then they admit that a lot of those were just out tests that hadn't been returned. They're probably around 75,000 as we do this interview. I mean, do you feel that he's misled the public

Speaker 3: 7:39

well, whether you call it misleading or grotesque spinning of the facts, I don't think it's very impressive. And I think this government knows it's made huge mistakes and it's just trying to distract people's attention from the disaster that's unfolding in this country. And it is absolutely too early to make definitive conclusions, but it does look like we've got the highest death rate in Europe, the second highest death rates in the world, and that unlike some countries who've had high death rates who are now coming out of the crisis, we're still in the middle of it. So you know, you have to ask why and it does look like our government has handled this badly.

Speaker 1: 8:29

Is there any doubt in your mind that if you don't test, you can't isolate problem people and you can't exit from the buyers?

Speaker 3: 8:38

Testing? Testing is fundamental both. How do you manage the peak, how you stop it spreading and as we come out of lockdown, how you do that safely. So the testing capacity is critical. Making it easy to access is really important. Even people confidence in it. And then you're going to have to back that up with really good tracing infrastructure. I'm slightly where the government's putting far too much emphasis on clever technology, important that that will be and not enough on ordinary people in their communities working with each other, using local knowledge to be part of that tracing a system and even in the most technique, technological savvy countries, they're using a lot of human power and human time as part of the tracing when someone has tested positively, not just about the testing side of it in the UK, but I don't think, sorry,

Speaker 1: 9:43

sorry, I don't mean to jump in. Go ahead and finish.

Speaker 3: 9:47

So I think the government seriously needs to up its level and the strategy on tracing and isolation as well.

Speaker 1: 9:54

The furlough scheme is, it's called, this is the, you know where the government pays 80% of a worker salary to stay home. They look like they want to scale it back in in July. How can they do that in Britain if we're not over this?

Speaker 3: 10:06

Yeah. Well, first of all I should say the first scheme is one of the best things the government's done because it's certainly has projected a lot of jobs and businesses and kept the economy going and uh, uh, being important. And the question now is what happens next? The scheme is due to finish on June the 30th and I think if the government don't say very, very soon what's going to happen then we'll see lots of redundancy processes starting up and that will be usually damaging for confidence. So it goes, go make a decision quickly. I think if lockdown continues, they're going to have to continue with the scheme. And even when lockdown is raised, they're going to have to taper the scheme away. They can't be uplifted. We can't suddenly go into support one day and nothing the next, even as workers go back, because firms don't have any cash in the bank, they won't be able to pay the salaries until they call me, picks up and gradually things get going again. So there has to be a phase out and liberal Democrats have called for a taper scheme, which I have been working on with a lot of business people, a lot of the economists to get right so that we can phase the economy back to recovery.

Speaker 1: 11:18

Had the liberal Democrats have also talked about kind of putting in place a military style active duty bonus for frontline NHS hospital staff. What's the idea?

Speaker 3: 11:32

Well, I publish something. I called the LHS and care staff package and the idea was to say to all NHS workers, healthcare workers and care workers on the frontline that we really value you. And just as you wouldn't put troops on the frontline without boots and helmets and flat jackets and song, and just as you look after them and just as you, we actually in the UK pay them an operational allowance for every day the troops are on the front line. The Democrats were arguing, we need to treat our health care workers, our care workers in the same way. So given the practice active equipment, look after them properly, whether it's on food, accommodation, transport, John care, et cetera, et cetera. And also recognize that every day they go into work. At the moment they're putting their lives on the line. So we think there is a real parallel there. And um, it's really been well received by the professions and by the wider public.

Speaker 1: 12:27

I couldn't do an interview with you without asking you about the environment because I know it's something that you're, you're well-schooled on and progressive and um, it's green. You know, I go and walk my dog. The air is breathable in London at night, birds are singing. It's actually in a way pleasant to walk uncrowded streets. Um, is there an opportunity here for a new green, a new normal?

Speaker 3: 12:52

I very much hope so. We absolutely needed, let's remember that we've just gone through a global crisis with the pandemic, but there's another global current system. She's already here, the climate emergency. And I'm just hoping that when we seen a carbon dioxide emissions tumble during this period, when we see an air quality improved dramatically when we've been seeing people more aware of nature, but that's a political moment for the politicians and our societies to seize and we're going to have to rebuild our economies. We're going to have to rebuild society. Why not do that in a way that's sustainable that actually takes the environment, realize that that's critical, particularly in the climate change piece and make sure we're building the renewable energy renewable industries, make sure we're looking at new ways to work so we can stay at home and do things like zoom and all the other video conferencing techniques don't have to fly around the world the whole time polluting our planet. So there is a moment here and I think people are more up for it than they've ever been and we just got to stand up against those countries and governments and those industries which are just want to go back to business as usual. We must not, this is a chance for some radical shifts on environment policy. And certainly little Democrats will be arguing that day in, day out here in the UK.

Speaker 1: 14:16

Last question to you and that is a lot of people are talking about let's reopen everything from, from America to Spain to Italy. Uh, what, what's your fear, uh, obviously that we would reopen too quickly, but do you think we're out of this or do you think some very tough months are coming our way and maybe a second wave of this?

Speaker 3: 14:35

Well, I think each country just has to look at the facts on the ground. When I looked at the facts on the ground here in the UK, we're not out of it yet. I saw and, uh, while I very much wish we could and this lockdown and I'm a liberal, I like seeing my restricted. I want to get back to, well, I'm working actually, but I want everyone else did we get back to work. Um, but we've got to do that safely. And you know, if we don't do it safely with a degree of caution, the economic impact will be worse if we have to lock down a second time, I think that will be very damaging for people's morale and their mental wellbeing. So I think it's really important that we think really carefully, both when we do it and how we do it, and we've got to have the best scientific advice and we've got the bet, follow the best science. And maybe there are some people who will be able to unlock more quickly than others, but fundamentally we do have to have a testing in place. The tracing in place, the possibility of helping people go to isolation if they are contagious, and if we have that proper safety infrastructure, then we might be able to release when the infection dies down six months away from that or more.

Speaker 3: 15:57

I have not. I hope there's a lot sooner, but you know, I come back to believe in evidence. I want to see the evidence and I want to test that evidence and to kick the tires of the evidence before we risk our nation's health.

Speaker 1: 16:10

It. Davie the acting leader of the liberal Democrats. Great to talk to you. Thanks so much.

Speaker 1: 16:17

You're listening to backstory with Dana Lewis. In our second half of this edition, I don't know about you, but in the last few weeks under lockdown, I've seen frontline workers in a new light. People like the woman who does the checkout at my grocery store, the postman, my local street cleaner, for example, upwards of 100 healthcare workers have died in the United Kingdom. There's a lot more in the United States. At least 28 bus drivers have passed away in London after being diagnosed with Colvin 19 we are living in extraordinary times and now for a different take. Let's join our two guests now. Joe Phillips, who is a writer, broadcaster and political commentator and Dr. Todd mei is head of philosophy at the university of Kent and researchers in the philosophy of work and economics and Jo philips. we're talking about work and economics. I want to ask you about your gardening because you've been out helping elderly people where you live in England and couldn't they not go outside on their own because of COvid19?

Jo philips 4: 17:18

Um, well they can, but a lot of them are elderly so they're there are unable to do this sort of heavy stuff like mowing and things. So since the lockdown, I have taken up full time gardening, which is a great hobby of mine, but I'm, I'm doing it as a bit of a social service now.

Dana1: 17:33

Thats great for you to be outside and helping those people. It's a good distraction.

Speaker 4: 17:38

It's lovely. And it's um, it's worthwhile work.

Dana Lewis 1: 17:41

No, and it's a great thing to do for them. Todd, you're the philosophers. So I was reading Aristotle and he says, you will never anything in this world without courage. It is the greatest quality of the mind. Next to honor. It seems like we need a lot of courage just now, doesn't it?

Todd Mei 5: 17:59

Yes. Aristotle is quite interesting on virtues and I'm, one of the most important virtues is justice. And alongside that is courage. And one of the reasons why ourselves says that is because we can think about things quite a bit. We can reason things out and even determine what matters and what to do. But if we don't have the courage to actually undertake it, then we fall short and we live more or less an incomplete life and we fall short of the good life. So in these kinds of conditions during the pandemic, there are quite a few situations with present themselves. Not only the threat of the virus, but a lot of other things that we find cropping up as a result of our, our entire lifestyle changing. And so it does require resilience. It requires community, it requires solidarity for better, for worse, to try and push through these things and hopefully emerge out the other side of the pandemic.

Speaker 1: 18:50

If I could just, you know, come off the back of that and say, are we experiencing now kind of a wave of revisionist thought philosophically as to who is important in our society today?

Speaker 5: 19:06

Yes. I think it's happening at all levels, from the highest level in terms of um, kind of the banking that goes on. The larger the kind of corporations that deal with larger economic infrastructure and systems and so forth to, to the, as it were, the ground level where, um, a lot of the press at the beginning of the pandemic had to do and still does have to do with medical staff, how hard they're working, how they're putting their lives on a frontline to help others, but also in the running of the day to day life of everyone in society, especially during the episode when panicked by and became quite a bit of an issue. And now today when it's more so in the States when you have certain employees trying to uphold social distancing and people resisting that and acting aggressively towards that, we find that the day to day people we encounter in shops or in community areas, they're the ones that, uh, are, we're finding to be important, uh, meaningful to our daily lives. Absolutely necessary to keeping things up in order for us so that we can, we can go about and live living our lives and hopefully, uh, pushing through the pandemic as I've said.

Speaker 4: 20:10

Sorry. Can I ask you, do you think we're going to see a recalibration of valuing low paid work because the people that you've talked about, you know, the health workers, the supermarket workers, the delivery drivers, the care workers, those are generally people on very low salaries. Um, and we've had a tendency in this country to equate lone pay with the low skill. And I wonder whether as a result of this pandemic that we're actually going to have a bit more respect for people who do less well paid but incredibly useful jobs.

Speaker 5: 20:45

That's a great question. I would hope that would be the case. My worry is that once the conditions of the pandemic ease off, we might slip back into old ways. And the reason for that is, um, for lack of a better term, the economic memory of, uh, people in society sends me rather short. And that's one of the reasons why we have recessions recurring, uh, throughout the, throughout a decade or so. Um, but the worry is that once things seem to be getting better, that we can go about our daily lives and assume the kinds of relationships that we had where we, we emphasize other things that are alive besides the people that are helping us on a day to day basis. I think what's so interesting about pandemic is to go back to courage. The idea of courage is that because to go outside and just to go shopping is putting into one one's life at risk as well as the employees that are helping customers. There is something in there about paying attention or a duty of care to other people as you're going about your daily business. And if you remove that kind of awareness that, that catalyst for courage, then you might slip back into, well, I'm just going to the shop, uh, the employee, the clerk is there to help me. I have my needs. And they're just the instrument to

Speaker 1: 21:58

absolutely. I mean, I personally have to say, I look at, you know, people with renewed respect. I mean I always have respected healthcare workers and doctors and policemen. Um, but I bought coffees for two ambulance and paramedics in line with me behind a a coffee shop on Gloucester road in London the other day. You might see bill attempt to say thank you, but you know, the, the, the guys and the gals at the coffee shop, the man who cleans the streets here in my neighborhood who I know, and I always say hello to. Um, it affects me just looking at their faces and I don't know if you feel the same way when you go out, but I imagine they seem very stressed and a lot of them just unhappy to be at work right now.

Speaker 4: 22:38

I think there's a, there's a whole, um, there's a whole conversation to be had about the clap for carers on a Thursday. I mean, my eldest son is a paramedic, um, in London, London ambulance service. Um, and I have not been taking part in the club for carers because I feel it's fine. It's nice. People feel it's good to do, but I would rather they had decent PPE and that they were safe and, and being looked after properly. And I worry that these sort of gestures, however well meaning actually replace real sensible policy about working people.

Speaker 1: 23:18

Well, there is something in that isn't it? Especially when it comes to the government that gets out and cheerleads some of this effort and at the same time behind the scenes, highly criticized Todd and you can take a run at this. I mean, highly criticized for not dealing with people who are working in, in elderly care homes or dealing with people on the frontline in hospitals. So there's lots of, there's lots of show and sometimes no go in terms of actually protecting these people. Yeah. It sort

Speaker 5: 23:46

of makes you think maybe we're a part of one of these, um, political dramas, uh, where, uh, the government spins things, so, Oh, it's great. So the community's now really focusing, they're coming together. The issue of healthcare workers, let's use that. And what's the term they use? It's going to create some great optics and it does conceal. It hides other things that are going on. And that's the worry that I have with, uh, appreciating the people who are working in supermarkets and in the shops that we go to is that when we speak about them in terms of heroes and the sacrifices they're making him, and I'm not saying we don't praise him, I think we should be very careful about what that's doing because we don't know. It makes it seem that working in that job is okay. It makes it seem that it's okay for them to be putting their lives on the line while getting the pay. And it's not really looking into the reasons why they might had to take that job in the first place. It could have been purely economic constraint or compulsion. They had to get a wage just to live or there might be larger issues about the lack of real opportunities for them. So they may have grown up in a family or a community where they just didn't think there was anything for them except working in the local market. And so they lose out on opportunities that might've spoke to some kind of natural talent that they had.

Speaker 1: 24:59

So how do you make this long lasting? How do you translate renewed respect, which we often associate with monetary compensation on our society for say the grocery checkout person, uh, who has has to endure a hundreds of people who could be yelling and infectious. Dave,

Speaker 5: 25:15

I guess my thoughts on that are, it's a very big question and there might be two ways of approaching it. And as an academic and as a philosophy of work in this area and thinking about some of my colleagues who do some of the same research, it's about getting involved with a lot of businesses at different levels of local level as well as at the international level and trying to get them to engage with this idea of what we call meaningful work. That meaningful work involves a lot of different things. Not just getting a decent wage, but also things like the freedom to choose and decide within certain constraints about what they're doing. The idea that the job is making them feel as if they're contributing to the greater good or making their life go well at the individual level. I think, um, I don't have a knockdown answer as it were, but for me, the kind of ethics I'm interested in, which goes back to Aristotle and virtue ethics, um, is if in the absence of the pandemic when things might revert back to normal, my take is that if we can find a way to think about certain virtues that are essential to individuals and to a community, then we might be able to change those kinds of habits, those economic habits where we just slip into seeing people as means towards our ends.

Speaker 5: 26:25

So one of the, one of the virtues that is talked about quite a bit and a lot of different ancient cultures is this notion of hospitality and the recognition that somehow triggering the recognition that despite the role that a person might be in, that you encounter on a daily basis, that they deserve some kind of duty of care, respect, and that their role in society serving other people's needs isn't what's primary. There's something else to it.

Speaker 1: 26:50

Joe, how do you, how do you take those great ideas of Todd's and how do we cement them somehow? So that

Speaker 4: 26:56

I think, I think it's about what has happened. I think it has forced us all to look at the people around us, the people who are keeping us safe, keeping us healthy and who are doing jobs that, you know, none of the three of us would do. I'll tell you a very short story about my gardening experience and it's not to do with gardening, Dana, don't worry. But I was doing this job cause I do it part time for fun. Um, last summer and I was working, um, Todd and I live in the same town, um, and it was in a house where there were some people staying. It was an Airbnb. That's a whole different topic we could get onto. And this woman was there with her family. They wouldn't, uh, they were a bit sort of dubious about letting the Gardener's there. And even though it wasn't their house, they were going out for the day.

Speaker 4: 27:43

I said, where are you going? She said, blah. I said, Oh, well, if you're wanting to go down and do something else, go to this place, you can find a Gabrielle or is that is a grave and a burn Jones window and bladdy bladdy block. And this woman said, good Lord and educated Gardner who thought it. And I think, you know, to me that sums up somebody who sees you doing a job doesn't see you as a person. If she'd seen me in my other life, you know, on the tele, on the radio or whatever, she would have had a completely different take. And I think it's about seeing people as valuable individuals who contribute to as toxic community society. And without them we can't function.

Speaker 1: 28:29

So are these things like this, at least conversations like this maybe get people to stop and look and think twice about who they're engaging with

Speaker 4: 28:41

and how

Speaker 1: 28:43

Todd, do you want to wrap it up?

Speaker 5: 28:44

Yeah, well I just thinking maybe, um, there can be some work done with social cues. Just learning how to ask certain questions. Um, so instead of asking what you do and S some kind of social context and then figured out some kind of question that relates to who the person is as opposed to what they do. And from there we can build up and then maybe we can talk about different kinds of virtues in the community that are coming forth both within the everyday operation of the community when you walk out in the street. But I really think a lot of change and a lot of good change can happen with businesses thinking about the way in which their cultures work because some people spend so much time at work that if you can change the culture there and make it a virtuous community, then it will have knock on effects, um, with within the community where people live and in their daily lives.

Speaker 1: 29:29

Well said. Joe Phillips and Dr. Todd mei Thank you both. Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 2: 29:38

[inaudible]

Speaker 1: 29:38

and that's a wrap on our very first BACK STORY

Speaker 6: 29:42

I'm Dana Lewis. We hope you follow our podcast. We have a lot more coming soon.

Speaker 2: 29:53

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