#i had such a massive breakdown because I'm just so exhausted

[cosmiicfairy]

🗑

[miraculouslbcnreactions]

Why do you think they don't show Marinette comforting other characters? It's always been a weird writing decision to me, and I sometimes wondered if I was legit just erasing all the times it happened out of my memory or smth. Like the first character trait established for her is she struggles to say no to people, she is a people-pleaser. And there isn't a better way to make ur mc lovable than showing how they effect the people around them. AND it would make her breakdowns genuinely heartbreaking, because she keeps giving and giving and it's a genuine flaw. Like, she rushed off to comfort Ivan in Origins, right? We should have had more of that. I'm reminded of that one Lady Wifi (i think?) scene where Ladybug is smiling at her adoring fans and the camera while Chat Noir is in the background actually comforting a child lmao. It just feels so weird, because I think Marinette IS actually supposed to be someone who does that, who provides that comfort to her loved ones all the time (even at the cost of her own mental health, boom, an actual thing she can work towards). But we just keep getting the reverse instead. She just kinda feels like a shit friend? Showing that emotional labor would also make her exhaustion work because like, what does the guardian even DO? Tell not show, but they ain't telling shit.

One of the things that drew me to Miraculous is the fact that the show tends to write the characters in non-standard gender roles, so I actually like the fact that Marinette tends to be more of a fixer than a comforter. She drives people to action and wants to solve problems and is very good at taking the weight of the world on her shoulders, but she kind of sucks at emotional vulnerability and comforting people. It's genuinely a good flaw for her character and a lovely thing to see in a show aimed at girls. No, we don't all need to be stereotypically maternal figures. Women can be just as bad as men stereotypically are when it comes to emotions!

The problem is that the show is obsessed with Marinette holding every important role in the story, meaning that we don't get a more emotionally aware character or characters to balance her out. Nor do we get to see her learn that this is a flaw of hers and either improve or just own that she's bad at this and learn to trust someone else with these types of issues. (This is one of the many things I think Adrien should have been allowed to do, btw. Ladybug is the brains, Chat Noir should be the heart.) We also don't get a true sense of Marinette's struggles because the show's formulaic nature rarely allows for those types of problems.

The Lila thing is a good example. Lila says that she's going to destroy Marinette's friendships, but she literally can't do that because that would mean changing the way the characters relate on a massive scale and formula shows can't do that. So instead of seeing Marinette struggle as Lila lies and manipulates everyone into hating Marinette, we get extremely annoying episodes where Lila lies and everyone believes her, but no one gets all that upset at Marinette's constant accusations. They just treat it as a minor quibble which is actually more aggravating than Lila changing the status quo in my opinion.

There's also the issue that you brought up: we don't see Marinette truly struggling to be the guardian, so her new role doesn't feel like a big deal. Not much changes for her save for the kwamis being around now. We don't even know what her relationship with Master Fu was really like because he was barely ever on screen so we really don't feel her loss.

All of this is just another problem to lay at the feat of our ever-present issue: Miraculous does not have the right conflicts and characters for a formula show. Formula shows thrive off of things being lighthearted and the heroes lacking major flaws. Miraculous chose to make things somewhat serious and give everyone flaws that are just begging to be address, but that can't be because this is the wrong format for that type of thing.

In a team show where character arcs were a thing or even just one where character dynamics were a thing and Marinette was allowed to share the screen in a more balanced manner, then everything about her would work fine. She's set up perfectly for that kind of show. She is not set up for a formula show where she's basically the only character that matters outside of the villains. If that's what they wanted to write, then Marinette needed to be limited to minor flaws that never last more than an episode or at least limited to flaws that are purely situational such as being stubborn or the classic sudo-flaw of being clumsy that the show already embraces.

[wolfawaycamp]

okayokay,

emma and nick wake up in the woods the morning after turning and sort out what happened the night before, specifically what happened at the campfire

(preferably abi is still alive)

🐼Admittedly, I snagged this one to practice writing Nick's POV, but I'm also so emo for Furblygbank already so we're kind of killing two birds with one stone. Thanks for the ask, anon :)

“Nick?”

The rising sun’s golden hue was almost blinding to Nick’s bleary eyes. He’d just woken up in the middle of the woods in his underwear and needed a second to regain his grip on reality. The last thing he remembered was…red. Like, an entire red room. Before that, he was in the poolhouse, and Abi —

Did he kill Abi?

“Hello? Anyone in there?”

Nick blinked and squinted at the person pestering him. Emma was leaning over him with her hand outstretched, and she was soaked with blood. He refused her hand and scrambled to his feet, attempting to string his words together into a poor facsimile of a sentence. “What…where did…why are you bloody?”

Emma looked him up and down. “I could ask you the same question. Let me guess; you were also attacked by a big scary animal with glowing eyes and massive claws?”

“Yeah…right after you pashed me in front of Abi at the campfire and left to go have fun with Jacob.” Nick didn’t mean to sound bitter, especially since it seemed as though Emma had had an equally shitty night, but he’d admit that he was a bit…jealous. Of what? He didn’t know.

“Oh, come on.” Emma rolled her eyes. “Don’t act like you weren’t at least a little bit into it.”

Were they really doing this? Right now, when he was wrestling with the notion that he very well could have murdered his crush when he was — he didn’t know what had happened to him — transformed? Nick lowered his gaze toward the dew-laden grass embracing his bare feet. He would have thought it beautiful or poetic or something if he wasn’t currently having a mental breakdown. “Emma, I—I think I may have killed Abi.”

She stared at him with a tired expression. “Nick…” her voice trailed off. “...we should go try to find the others. I was with Jacob, but he—he turned into one of those things.” Great. It was spreading. “Do you have any idea where we are?”

Nick assessed their surroundings; they were near where he and Abi had collected sticks and watched the sunset not even a day ago. He could pinpoint the lodge from here. “Um…I think the lodge is this way. Yeah, definitely this way.” Nodding toward their destination, he began to tentatively walk in that direction.

Emma followed. “Hey, for the record, I think Abi might be okay.”

“What?”

“I was sitting in the van trying to hide from these old guys with guns, and then I think I turned into one of whatever these things are, and I saw Abi. She was running away from me.” Emma winced. “And I think Dylan shot me.”

“Dylan? Are you sure it wasn’t a hallucination?” Nick couldn’t believe he was amused by that thought. Perhaps this god-awful night wasn’t as bad for the other counselors as it had been for him.

“You know, Nick, I’m not really sure any of what’s happened tonight was real, including this conversation, so no, I’m not,” Emma sighed. The exhaustion was setting in for both of them. Nick wondered what the chances were that they could take a quick power nap back at the lodge. Probably slim.

They trekked together in silence until Nick couldn’t take it. “Are we bad people?”

Emma shot him an offended glance. “I don’t think kissing someone on a dare makes you a bad person.”

Nick knew it wasn’t that black and white. That kiss was not just a kiss. “No, but choosing to kiss someone you know your best friend likes, and who also likes them back, and bragging about it afterward might.”

“It got you two to go and have a nice, romantic kiss in the moonlight, didn’t it?” Emma replied dismissively.

“N—no. No, Emma. We were attacked. I got bitten by that animal and then I told Abi I only liked her because she was stupid and easy to manipulate. She was nothing but kind to me and I—” Nick inhaled sharply. His eyes stung at the sudden recollection of those last moments. “Easy pickings. Right off the bone,” he’d growled before tossing her across the poolhouse. Who says that? Who does that?

“Hey, come back to me. I’m…I’m sorry.” Emma’s voice was soft. She placed a hand on his arm. “You’re right; kissing you was a dick move. You two were just so scared to make the first move that I thought I could fix it with a little drama. I’d say it backfired pretty spectacularly.”

Nick said nothing. At this rate, he’d be a sobbing mess by the time they reached the lodge.

Emma continued. “I don’t know what happened between you two, but I do know that Abi’s got a big heart and she likes you a lot. She won’t hold a grudge against you for something out of your control. Me, on the other hand…I’m not so sure after all of this. I think I’ve burned that bridge.”

I think we both have, Nick thought as the lodge came into view. Maybe it would have been better for him to have killed Abi. He wasn’t prepared to face her yet. He probably would never be.

Right as they reached the bottom steps, the front door opened. Abi stood in the doorway, blood and sweat matting her already dark red hair and the remnants of a nasty bite still visible on her shoulder. “Oh my god.” She rushed down the stairs toward them.

“Abi…” Nick started, but the air was knocked out of him before he could pull an apology out of his arse. She wrapped him in a tight embrace.

“You’re okay. I thought I’d killed you,” her voice buzzed in his chest.

Nick had no idea how to respond to that. Wasn’t he supposed to be the rabid monster who was killing people? “L—likewise.”

Abi lifted her head and looked at Emma. “You too. Come here.” She reached out her arm and pulled Emma close.

“Abs, we’re not exactly clean right now,” Emma said in a nervous huff of laughter. “You don’t have to—”

“Oh, shut it. I’ll take bloody friends over werewolves any day.”

Werewolves? Was that what he was? Fucking hell.

The three of them held onto each other in silence. They’d survived the night. Maybe there was still hope for their fractured bond to do the same.

[cosmiccripple]

sometimes it scares me how much my body has changed. it scares me just how much i can no longer do and it makes me so fucking angry. i get out of the shower and regret getting in in the first place and have to spent a good 10-15 minutes with my legs raised above my head just to not feel so overwhelmingly dizzy. i walk down the stairs to the kitchen and my legs feel so weak and i'm gripping on to the bannister so i don't fall.

becoming disabled is such a wild fucking experience especially considering i became disabled before my teen years, meaning that i've missed out on so much and it makes me furious. i want to scream 'it's not fair!! why me?' to the goddess and i know i'll get no answer because nothing is set in stone. i could've avoided the person that was sick and never caught their illness and then never become disabled as a result but i still don't know - to this day - who it was.

i cannot remember becoming sick and i cannot remember when my disabilities started but i still wonder 'what if?'

it's that bullshit that plagues me constantly and i wonder if it's the same for other disabled people (i'd guess it is but no experience is a universal experience).

i am so angry all of the time but most of all i'm sad. not sad because of my disability in particular because it's a massive part of me and it led to a lot of growth within myself, but sad because i cannot do what i want.

i would love to go out with my friends every week. a friend of mine ages ago got grounded and was told she could only go out with her friends once a week and she was completely devastated. i was incredibly confused because i couldn't even go out once a week given that we had classes every day that completely exhausted me (at least 5 or 6 of which i missed per week) but here she was, having a mini breakdown because she was limited to one outing per week. it was kind of like culture shock, if you know what i mean, in the sense that i couldn't believe that people could go out like that and not have to worry. they didn't have to overpack their bags with disability essentials in case of a symptom flare while out. they did not have to worry like i did.

i got so angry. it was selfish but i was so fucking angry that they were upset they could only go out once a week and i couldn't even go out once a month with them and our little group.

i have been so upset and angry and i can ignore all that most days but some days, when my symptoms absolutely fuck me over, it bubbles to the surface again and i have to push it down and sooth it to sleep because there's nothing i can do.

i can sometimes be angry but i will always be disabled and i cannot change that. i cannot nick the doctor's tardis and go back because even if i could, i don't know when this started. i cannot change a thing and it kills me.

apologies for the long post my dears, if you've read it all then i applaud you massively. thanks for listening to my rant i guess.

[astradyke]

Suddenly I need you to write a dissertation on anything!! You're so well spoken <3 since we're getting into a bit of a character (?) study almost on them, I need you to talk about phil's supposed breakdown when dan left him aka went on tour. These two are so codependent it's adorable!! And now in the context of phil incorrectly (but still sweet) explaining to dan the invisible string theory. I can't!!!!! If it wasn't so sweet, it would almost be toxic but I love them!! They're obsessed with each other, only want each other, cannot stand to be separated for more than a day and want us to know it!

i again need to pause and thank you profusely because i am really happy that there is an interest for my little dissertations ^_^ this is the second to last day i have at home before i move back into university so we really need to maximize this time haha

honestly though, i know i say this every time i make a post but i actually don't know how many thoughts i have about this? i dunno... this is going to be messy but, i guess here are some of my thoughts as to why i don't think Dan and Phil are codependent (ft some tangents and affirmations that they are still crazy insane bc you are right and i'm emotional about it)

Dan is leaving me is actually such a masterpiece of a video because it is really like the loudest thing they have ever publicly released, barring the second pizza mukbang video. it's a little ridiculous in concept because like, come on guys, you're in your thirties and you haven't been apart for longer than two weeks? ever? in like a decade? but also like... i don't know! i kind of get it?

one of the aspects of their relationship that Dan specifically really amplifies in interviews (and throughout Dystopia Daily interestingly enough) is the fact that Phil is essentially a part of his everyday routine so much to the point that it's no longer remarkable. it's heard when he describes their relationship as "two 1,000 immortals/ancient divorced couple", or when he says "Phil doesn't count as a person", or when he calls Phil a piece of furniture (can't snag citations right now but if you are unfamiliar with any of these just ask me and i'll find them for you). a lot of these are done snarkily, but it is actually a massive facet of many close relationships: you become so used to each other that your everyday existence is parallel play, and you are so good at communicating that you know how to flow in and out of each other's spaces like it's breathing.

quick little Mare lore drop, let's talk about university! from January to May at the bare minimum, i would spend anywhere from 2-8 hours a day with my best friend (who comes up in these posts way too much i promise that isn't intentional). we'd study together, eat together, hang out together, etc. we were talking about this recently, because i'm actually not the most extroverted person in the world-- i have spent the majority of my time alone this summer by choice-- but i simultaneously spent literally every waking moment with another person in college, aside from when i was asleep and maybe an hour or two in the middle of the day. the last time i FaceTimed him we both spent it playing separate video games and basically not talking for 1-2 hours straight? yet i am exhausted after seeing another very close friend of mine at the mall for like, two hours. how do you reconcile all of that?

the reason why my best friend's company doesn't drain my social battery is because i have embedded being around him so deeply into my routine that my brain doesn't register it as a social event anymore. i could be in a room with him for literally eight hours and only spent about a quarter of that time socializing. and yet, a few days away from going back to university, that reality feels like a total shock to me, because i spend all my time alone-- how the fuck am i going to go back to being with him from three PM to midnight?

well, that's the exact opposite question Dan and Phil had to ask themselves in 2022! the two of them had been so used to each other's company that it really did become part of their daily routines: a post-social event recharge for Dan might not exclude him resting beside Phil, because Phil isn't a Person, he's just Phil who happens to be a person-- Dan's person. Dan playing the Elden Ring DLC involved Phil being there because yes, Dan was the one playing, but Phil's obviously allowed to be there. so, when Dan decides to go off on tour, and the two of them split apart... that's when the question springs up. because suddenly alone time isn't alone time and also Dan's there, it's proper, actual alone time. the things that you forget to do around the house because you know someone else is able to do them shocks you, because it was never a problem to rely on someone before-- Dan was literally always there! etc etc.

and i actually... okay, i love jokes about codependency and sometimes i do look at them (like with parts of Dan is leaving me) and go holy shit you two that's crazy, but i actually don't see this as a codependency thing! it's a pretty massive shock to anyone's system when you live around another person for that long in such a compact space, right? and like they joked about in... shit, i don't remember the video, might have been the wdapteo 3 (?), the two of them were startled to see the other person in the flesh after Dan's long stretch on tour because that is also a massive adjustment! it's kind of a terrifying one to be honest! just like how university life / home life is a distinction for me, home life / WAD life was a distinction for Dan. and i do take note of the fact that this scenario was unfolding while Dan was the one on tour, because I do think we'd see something kind of interesting if it was the other way around-- like, my point holds, but Phil was right in the video when he said that he has lived alone before versus Dan hasn't because as soon as he moved out he found Phil and, well, not even Dan seems to remember when he proper moved in with him versus when he just crashed in his bed for a weekend. tour life gave Dan structure, and i think that overwhelming reset to his system probably helped with the lack of Phil, versus Phil had experienced living alone but didn't have the same routine that led him to handle the shift in company with the same grace. can't fault the guy.

that being said, while i don't think they were codependent exactly in this period of their life, i do think they were still crazy obsessed with each other because like they really cannot go two seconds without calling or texting or saying each other's names it's so funny. i don't really feel comfortable likening anything they have to toxic because i (like all folks here i think) am very very strongly for the idea that really none of it is, they just kind of happen to be a healthy relationship in which both party is convinced they are soulmates and nobody else has ever had a love like theirs. which... cheers, mate. for sure! can't believe Dan and Phil invented romance, should we throw a party, should we invite Joey Graceffa etc etc

anyway! those are my thoughts <3 this is a clusterfuck of a post SORRY i am very sleepy and also between packing 😭 so not as articulate as usual. but i tried!

[bsnotoneaskedfor]

Tired MK

Before you judge, hear me out.

MK goes through SO much shit because of his "Monkey Kid" status. Like, a ton. As someone who is a teen and struggles with mental health it is so obvious that MK has been spiraling since day one. The poor dude is going to die of anxiety and depression before the Lady Bone Bitch tries to order a smackdown with a side of trauma. MK is also a people pleaser. He legit is always trying to live up to people's standards and be "just like Monkey King".

Here's the thing: I also suffer from trying to please everyone and let me tell you that shit is exhausting. Fuck magic, the thing that really makes this show fiction is that MK hasn't had a massive mental breakdown. He's had baby ones, that are still valid, but he's pushed them aside because "he has to be the hero". He never really shows signs of emotional distress besides the show poking fun at it or using it for plot. For those in the comments, please don't try to psychoanalyze the show to prove me wrong. This is just what I have seen. So, with this being said, there is something I really would love to see and have adopted it as my personal headcannon.

MK being done with everyone's shit.

Not, "MK's tired", or "MK's sassy ;D", or even Mk going through an emo phase.

I want absolutely 100% done MK.

I want to see him surviving on coffee or energy drinks because the weight of everyone's expectations keeps him up at night. I want him mad when people start blaming him/looking to him for answers because "he's the Monkey Kid". I want him done with Wukong's bullshit. I want my realistic representation of burnout and mental illness. I want to see him trying to get better and no longer caring about calling people out for being toxic.

I don't know if I'm 100% explaining this right because words are really hard so here are some examples of what I see my MK head cannon as.

(This one's based off that one TikTok audio where the guy yells at the cats to get off the couch)

MK: *Sitting peacefully, attempting to do homework or some other quiet activity*

Macaque and Wukong : *fighting like feral cats*

MK: (almost roars it) STOP IT!

Macaque and Wukong : *is startled and a little afraid*

MK : LEARN TO FUCKING GET ALONG OR SO HELP ME I'LL TEST THE LIMITS OF YOUR IMMORTALITY

Macaque and Wukong : *obeying, nearly about to piss themselves out of fear*

MK: *Deep Breath. Goes back to what he was doing*

Every Demon Within 50 miles : wtf was that?

--- -------------------------------------------------------------------------

MK: *chugging a coffee or energy drink*

Some Demon: *starts destroying the city*

MK : Dammit *Chugs faster. *

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wukong: Hey bud! When's the last time that you've slept?

MK: *completely deadpan* It is finals week.

Wukong : That doesn't answer-

MK:*getting angrier* I have to defend the city every damn day. I have to deal with your messes, including you. I train every day for at least 4 hours even when we don't meet up. I WORK FULL TIME AT THE GODDAMN NOODLE SHOP AND THEN I HAVE TO FUCKING STUDY FOR COLLEGE. WHEN IN THE NAME OF BUHDDA WOULD I BE ABLE TO SLEEP?!?!

Wukong : *sweats* So I see that you're stressed-

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Team Monkey : Why didn't you use [ insert power] to start with?!

MK: *sarcastic* I'm sorry. I thought we all deserved a nice bonding trip where we spent the entire time bickering and getting the shit beaten out of us. Was that supposed to be next week?!?

Team Monkey : . . .

MK: How about you guys make a list of everything I can do. That way, next time, we can just all look at it together and none of you blame me.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Son : * trying to pick a fight and just being a dick in general*

MK: *Not having it* Do not make me duct tape you down so I can embroider your worst nightmares onto your skin, you pompous little fuck!

Red Son : . . .wtf

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Son : *Is pretty*

MK: *deep sigh of disappointment* I need therapy . . .

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mei : * Gets the Samhadi Fire*

MK: *remembering all the shit and expectations he went through once he got his powers*

Mei: *About to have a breakdown*

MK: *laughs* Have fun

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Son: *breaks in at the middle of the night in an attempt to capture MK*

MK: *is awake because insomnia* So, do you , like, want some tea . . .?

May do a Pt 2

[avionvadion]

Do you have any plans or hcs for Veronica and Vil?

I haven't thought too hard about it yet, but I do plan for Veronica to transfer to NRC shortly after GloMasq.

That way she's there during the several months Vil, Rook, Epel, Kalim, Jamil, and Adeuce are staying at Ramshackle for VDC training and so she can build up that friendship with Eleanora, so she has incentive during the Ignihyde arc to go with Rook and Epel to rescue everyone. I also intend for the "big confrontation" against her creepy suitor to take place after the competition, though I haven't thought up the specifics yet outside of Vil being a major intimidation factor in scaring the dude off.

(Poor Vil is gonna be so exhausted from the battle and the dance, he probably just wants to nap, but here he is having to scare a stalker off. Ah, well, at least he has experience in doing so... given he's surely had plenty of his own to deal with.)

It might be a good bonding moment for them, actually. They're both sought after for their beauty and power (influence, in Vil's case, as a model/actor, and magic in Veronica's) and both have to deal with their fair share of creeps. He's honestly impressed she managed to hide away in disguise this long without anyone noticing, though he doesn't really appreciate being manipulated into being her "rescuer" just because circumstances led to them being in each other's vicinity. (VDC training camp, and Veronica wanting to befriend El to use her connections)

...Vil might actually soften a little if Veronica thanks and calls him her "hero" since he did her such a massive favor.

ESPECIALLY SINCE HE LITERALLY JUST HAD THAT MASSIVE BREAKDOWN OVER ALWAYS BEING THE VILLAIN LIKE, ALSKJFLDKJFLDKJ OH THAT WOULD BE SO CUTE.

"Thanks, Schoenheit. For scaring him off. I know I dragged you and the others into this, but... it means a lot. I've been dealing with him for so long, and... well, you might actually be my "hero" for this. Hehe."

"...Yes, well... don't make a habit of it. I don't intend to rescue you again."

(This is hilarious irony though because Veronica ends up rescuing him next bwahahahaha)

I dunno, I'm still brainstorming, lol.

That said, I do love the idea of her eventually opening and running her own little bakery after graduation, but she does so in her disguise so no one can recognize her unless they already know her, and then spends time with friends and/or Vil in her true form. Oh, maybe she ends up being a famous chef. That could work. Maybe she runs a cooking show that Vil sometimes shows up on, or she shows up on a cooking show that he's on where she's one of the judges. Awwww that'd be cute.

[an-ace-on-the-case]

Sorry in advance for the angry rant

CWs: mentions of adhd meds (idk if that's a cw but I put it just to be safe)

Let me tell you about "gifted kids". Many people think that saying you are/were a "gifted kid" is a brag. They want to be a "gifted kid" because clearly it's so easy. But it isn't.

I am a "gifted kid".

Throughout all of primary school I coasted. I always passed all my assessments, usually with straight As. It wasn't challenging. I found it easy.

Then I started high school.

I'm in the extension class, often called the 'Smart Kids Class'. I've been in it since I started high school. We do extra work for all of the core subjects, on top of all of the normal assessments.

Year seven was awful. Way too many late nights were spent, finishing assessments the night before they were due. Many many mental breakdowns. My mental health declined. I had no confidence in myself, in my ability to do anything. I didn't think I was good enough, because it had been drilled into me since prep that failing academically was failing as a person. Sure the teachers had never outright said it but it was heavily implied.

It turns out that I had adhd. How could've guessed?

Year 8 was better, my adhd was medicated and I could keep on top of my work better. It was probably the best year I've had, despite all of the friendship issues. I could keep on top of work easily, I wasn't struggling anymore.

But then. Time skip to the start of this year.

The adhd meds stopped working.

I had built up a tolerence and I needed to up the dose. But the only appointment available was halfway through May this year. I just had to push through on my current dose.

It started again. The mental breakdowns about twice a month. Struggling to stay on top of work. Forgetting homework. Forgetting assessments. Procrastination. Everything I thought I left behind was back, and it was worse. I had some experience so I managed to get through it, but not unscathed. My mental health is shit. I have massive self-esteem issues. I have no confidence in any of the things I used to be confident in. I can't enjoy anything that is associated with school, which means I no longer enjoy drama. I don't feel like I can write anymore.

In the end, I went to the appointment. We're trying to decide which dose works for me best. But it's still so hard. The worst part is no one else seems to get it. Only about four other people in my class are (proabably) neurodivergent, and I'm not even great friends with them.

My life right now is a combination marathon, sprint, hop, and plate balancing. The marathon is to the end of the year, when I can have a rest, reset, relax. I also have to sprint, to try and keep up with all of schoolwork. But I have to hop, because it's so much harder for me to do the same goddamn thing my peers can do with ease. And on top of all that. I have to balance all my schoolwork, homework, extra-curricular activities, social life, self-care, mental health, and basic needs.

It's only term two and I'm already fucking exhausted.

But on the outside.

To everyone else watching.

I seem

fine.

So maybe

Just maybe

People who weren't/aren't "gifted kids" should stop wishing that they were.

[hazard-and-friends]

NW2 Breakdown

Debrief folder here

NW2 is harder than NW1 in two main ways: First, searches can involve more than one hide. Second, there's 5 searches instead of 4: You now repeat one element.

Cool! Logistically this one was easier because it was 45-60 minutes drive from home, so we just slept at home, arranged watchers for the infant, and left an hour before check-in.

containers: 16 boxes in a U shape, 3 distractions (2 food and a tennis ball), 2 hides. this is where he gave me a heart attack. he literally walked the whole area twice before deciding to indicate on the first hide, and then we had to do another loop and pass the 30 second warning before he settled on the second hide. I was 100% sure he false alerted on one of the distractors and moved him away, but looking at the debrief that was NOT a distractor so idk what he was doing. at one point he laid down, which is usually him asking for help and NOT an alert behavior; I got him up and pointed him back to work. the judges & volunteers, ADORABLY, all gave MASSIVE SIGHS OF RELIEF when I called alert on the second hide. he'd worked so hard and was so unsure towards the end there it was very nice to see him work it out.

short break here, he did good. we were parked right next to the waiting area so lots of activity, he learned to be ok with people/dogs walking by the car whether he was crated, loose in the car, or crated with the trunk open. nice boy.

interior 1: nailed it. came in, walked along the OTHER side of the room, thought about the freezer, then looped the room and alerted quickly on the desk.

interior 2: nailed it again. came straight in the room and beelined to the hide in the chalkboard. came off it, checked out the cabinets she identifies as Probably Having Rodents, then took a LONG time (subjectively) to consider the room divider before finally locating #2 on the chair beside it. tried to continue looking in that half of the room but he hadn't picked up on anything else there, so I moved him back into the first half and he very quickly dialed in on the one on the blue chair.

then we had a Massive Break which he coped with moderately well.

he tried really hard to search building exteriors on our walk to vehicles, because he's a nice boy like that.

vehicles: 3 cars, wind blowing away from us down the line of cars. he BLEW past the first car, picked up the odor midway down the second, u-turned, pondered the wheel well, and alerted. we got a note here about pawing--yeah. it's not quite at fault level but it's definitely something I want to mess with.

exterior: he gave the judge anxiety here because everyone knew we just had to find these 2 hides and then we'd Q, but I was very happy with his performance thus far and if he'd blown the last hide, so be it. he was at this point definitely fatiguing. came in, ambled around, found the one under the porch fairly quickly. called that. THEN he took forever, checking out everything else, briefly crittering in the back corner, pondering peeing on a plant (but didn't!!!). picked up while we were in the back corner that there was something on the other porch. he couldn't decide if it was up or under the porch, when they called 30 seconds I moved him up the ramp and he alerted promptly on the bucket.

in the car was lovely, no new updates from the NW1.

this was definitely right at his limit though--he was absolutely exhausted, did not want to search any further, barely wanted to MOVE, and if we'd had a sixth search (as in NW3) I'm sure he would've started refusing. I'm so proud that he gutted out that second exterior hide, and we are definitely taking a big break to prep for NW3.

[damianscapeandsword]

I've been on Tumblr for a long time. I think it's been like 14 years with a few years off during the entire time. And I'm so grateful to people like this on Tumblr for artists in general, really. I was never very creative. I was more book smart than anything else, and I had one of those self limiting beliefs that I just wasn't meant to be creative. This isn't true, of course, as I discovered as I became an adult.

At the age of 16, i had a massive breakdown that sent me into a spiral of depression and anxiety and other things that I won't mention because it would take too long to explain. What ended up happening to me was that I became exhausted every moment of every day, I got dumber, and it was so hard to do anything at all just in general. I couldn't work. I couldn't go to school. I just ended up laying down and watching TV all the time. Or being on my phone.

Consuming art, especially on tumblr, helped so much over the years. I had a therapist, yes, but they are not as effective as most people think they are. I also didn't have religion, and my family wasn't very supportive. But I would go on Tumblr every day. And I would read or see the work of artists like this. It wouldn't solve all my problems but it would solve one of them. Same thing with TV shows and movies. They helped. They helped me get through and over so many things in my life. Everybody was telling me I was a loser who was wasting my life and being selfish. But I knew. I knew that I was doing my damndest to get better. This is how I was doing it, even if no one believed me.

I guess what I'm saying is that I really appreciate you guys for sharing your art. You guys are making a difference.❤️

In highschool I wrote a story about a middle-generation of stellar travelers. Their parents were born on earth and left as children, and the middle generation will not live long enough to see their destination. They live their entire lives on the ship and I wrote about them trying to find their place in everything. They will never know blue skies and warm beaches and open fields with warm breezes. They’ll never know birdsong or crickets or frogs. They’ll never hear the rain on the roof of a dreary day. I never could find the right way to end the story. I wanted it to be a happy ending, but I didn’t know how to do it.

I realize now that it was a book about me dealing with depression before I even knew it. Looking back at how blatant the projecting was, it’s obvious now. It wasn’t then.

In the story, the middle-generation people are lost. They’re apathetic. They’re just a placeholder. The only job they have is to keep the ship running, have kids, and die. As the middle generation of people began becoming adults, suicide rates were skyrocketing. Crime and drug rates were jumping. This generation was completely apathetic because they felt that they had no use.

In the story, a small group of people in the middle-generation create the Weather Project. They turn the ship into a terrarium. They make magnificent gardens and take the DNA of animals they took with them and recreate them and they make this cold, metal spaceship that they have to live their entire lives on into a home. They take what little they have and they break it and rearrange it into something beautiful. They take this radical idea and turn the ship into a wonderful jungle of trees and birds and sunshine.

And I realize now how much it reflects my state of mind as I transitioned from a child into an adult while dealing with depression. You always hear “it gets better” and “when you’re older things will be easier” and I was so sick of waiting for it to get better. I was in the middle-generation stage. And I was sick of it. I was so sick of waiting.

When I was in highschool I didn’t know how to end the story. I didn’t know how to have a happy ending. I didn’t have the life experience then to finish the story in a meaningful way. I didn’t know how to make it better for these middle-generation characters.

But now that I’m older, I’m learning. That if you sit and wait for things to get better, it never will. You have to take your life and break it apart and rearrange it into something beautiful. You have to make the cold metal ship into the garden that you deserve. You have to make your own meaning. You have to plant your own garden.

You have to teach yourself that being happy is not a radical idea.

[rozinaaa]

What Softens the Potatoe Hardens the Egg: Some Observations About Different People in the Same Situation

Yesterday evening (20th December 2023), I was at an office christmas party (the first (and probably the last) one I've ever been to), having "fun" with people that I see on a semi-regular basis, as well as conducting a bit of personal research to see what I'm really like at parties that don't involve any family members.

Now, I say "fun" in quotes because although it was nice to see everyone in the same place at the same time (literally just outside the office) and have some decent food, it quickly became overwhelming as I kept up with multiple conversations happening at the same time (sensory sin number one), with annoying christmas music being on the background (but also way too loud for me at the same time, not to mention that I absolutely hate christmas because it's so overrated and hyped up way too much, to the point where it's lost its original meaning), plus lots of other ambient noise that shouldn't have been overwhelming, but was for some reason, not to mention that the party quickly descended to raging alcoholism, something which I'll never understand (mainly due to religious reasons, but also because I personally don't like the smell of it (not to mention that it probably might taste awful, but I'll never know since I'm not willing to try it), nor do I enjoy being around drunk people, since it gives off a bad vibe, and makes me feel extremely guilty) why people enjoy doing that to themselves, since they full whack know the consequences of doing questionable things they won't remember before waking up with a hangover, and feeling absolutely awful because they had too much alcohol, but hey, at least they'll feel a bit giddy in the moment as all critical thinking goes out the window.

Another thing I observed is that the extroverts (who unsurprisingly mainly worked in Marketing and Sales roles) seemed to absolutely love it (as well as becoming more energetic as time went on, mainly since they were Around Other People) whereas others retreated and kept themselves to themselves for most of the time, simply because there was too much going on.

All of this leads to the idea of the fact that the same boiling water which softens the potatoe, hardens the egg, so, in this case, the "boiling water" is an office christmas party, the potatoe is an extrovert (they tend to be more easy going when they're around others, and the longer they're in that situation, the easier it gets for them, so they become softer as their brains turn into mush with each drink they consume), and the egg is an introvert (who usually becomes tense and overwhelmed when they've spent too much time around others, to the point where they might breakdown if they've been in that situation for too long), which to me makes perfect sense, because although I probably spent a grand total of about 2 hours at that party, it felt like an eternity for me (simply because there was Too Much Going On), whereas it probably might have felt like 20 minutes for the extroverts.

Trust me, I have tried forcing myself to be an extrovert multiple times (mainly to fit in, and also because you're expected to Put Yourself Out There when you're in your 20s, which is a lot harder than it looks) by consuming things (mainly fast paced music and coffee) that would allow me to have extrovert tendencies, and although this will probably work once in a blue moon for about a day or two, forcing myself to be an extrovert on a daily basis simply isn't going to happen, since I will end up feeling overwhelmed by everything ever, with a massive headache, and the fear that I'll get wiped out by a heart attack due to having too much coffee.

It's exhausting when you force yourself to be someone that you're not, especially when you're forcing yourself to be the complete opposite of what you are, which is just a recipe for disaster, not to mention that whoever said "fake it until you make it" didn't realise the consequences of their words, since this the result of someone trying to fake it.

Maybe this explains why I'm not really a huge fan of social media (since that can be just as exhausting as being in the same place with lots of people for too long), and why I deep down just want to have a digital garden where I can just pour my thoughts into, whilst living a lowkey and borderline anonymous private lifestyle, where I only know a handful of genuine people (out there doing their own thing and minding their own business), but I know them well, where spending 2 hours with them can feel like 20 minutes, and where I'm not forced to compete for attention, whether it's online or in real life, since that completely drains the life out of me, although extroverts would want all of that stimulation on tap.

Deep down, I'm just an egg (an introvert) that's about to crack as I try to navigate a chunk of life that favours the extroverts (basically my 20s) in a world that's designed for potatoes (extroverts), so no wonder why it feels like I'm constantly swimming against the current, as I try to realise who I actually am, and what I actually prefer.

I'm not too sure how all of this links to my art (or if I even have an art practice anymore), but reflecting on the work that I've made in the past year or so (which focused on themes of social isolation and the feeling of being overwhelmed) makes all of what I've just said seem pretty accurate.

[darkshrimpemotions]

I truly cannot overstate how much it changed my life to learn that "cleaning," tidying," decluttering," and "organizing" are four completely separate tasks that cannot be done effectively at the same time. Or that if you do want to do them all, there's an order that generally works best. And also that "spotless" is sometimes less useful a goal than "functional."

I used to struggle SO MUCH with keeping my space neat and clean. This massive task would just loom in front of me and my off-kilter little brain would say Nope! Not today. So it would get bigger and bigger and more insurmountable until finally I would have a breakdown about it. And then I would spend hours or days trying to declutter, organize, tidy, and clean all at the same time until I was exhausted and could feel myself heading into a migraine or an R.A flare-up, or both. And it never felt like I really got fully done.

But just now I looked at my living room, which was a disaster area after a week of frantic Halloween costume making activity, and sighed, and tidied that plus my kitchen in less than half an hour. And I still had the energy to go get the mail, go fetch the dish I forgot at the party last night, ckean out my fridge, take out the trash, AND make myself food! And I'm not on the verge of a breakdown or flaring or fighting off a migraine! All because I didn't turn one task into four, because someone FINALLY taught me HOW to keep house instead of just insisting I do it or else I'm disgusting and irresponsible.

Anyway this is like a daily revelation for me, that I CAN keep my house a functional and healthy space for me, even as someone dealing with brain issues, chronic pain, allergies, and at times limited mobility. And that when I can't, it doesn't make me a bad person or disgusting. If you're struggling with any of this, I highly recommend looking into KC Davis's Struggle Care. She's on tiktok as domesticblisters and on instagram as strugglecare. She also has a podcast called Struggle Care, and between the three of these platforms there are TONS of free resources and judgment-free advice for anyone who has trouble keeping their space functional when they're struggling.

[crisalidaseason]

People probably won't care but I'm gonna say it anyway.

It's interesting how Armin's character was built and I don't think people notice that very much. I have a few points about him that I wanted to share.

Warning: Those are my interpretations based on canon information. I am not an expert nor a phsychologist, please don't take this personally. I respect everyone's opinions and I expect to be respected as well. Also, english is not my native language and I apologize for any mistakes.

SPOILERS FROM SEASON 1 UP UNTIL THE END OF THE MANGA

We see him very young being bullied for most likely his appearance and behavior. From a very young age his self esteem was damaged. Besides that, he was always very intelectual and well spoken, we all know those kind of kids get super picked on because they don't really fit with the majority.

He probably has a lot of abandonment issues because of his parents. We don't know much about them, but a child will always question why they were left behind even if it was for a "good cause". Besides, his parents died because they wanted to explore the world and I think Armin would feel even more betrayed by that.

Meeting Eren and Mikasa doesn't mean he was instantly safe from the bullying. Even if he was protected, the damage is already done. Eren and Mikasa helped him a lot, but healing self esteem problems is complicated and children don't know how to do that. Besides, Armin would feel like a burden to his friends and try to offer something in return.

This entire situation set Armin up to rely on his words and brain to defend him and his friends. He wasn't born a manipulator and he doesn't manipulate for his own pleasure. He turns into a manipulator as a defense mechanism because he doesn't trust his strength (even after becoming a soldier or inheriting the Colossal Titan). When he has to kill or manipulate people we can see it's not a pleasant thing for him.

His morals are twisted by the environment he's inserted. He isn't a good and perfect angel, but also not an evil mastermind. He cares about his loved ones and will do anything for them, including mass murdering an entire army and ships. Does he like killing massive amounts of people? No. But he does it anyway. At the same time he sacrifices his best friend so humanity outside paradis can keep existing. There are many other situations that Armin has conflicting morals and I find it so human and relatable.

The leadership role he is sometimes given is not conventional. He can be a good leader, but he's never the in the front line when it comes to actually leading (remember that Armin is a brain and words person, but does not have an imposing figure nor does he radiates confidence). The ones close to him know he's a good strategist (Erwin himself told him so) but the outside people won't see him like that. Without the shield of Erwin, Hange and his friends he has a hard time being heard and this must mess with his head a lot.

When Eren goes completely brain damaged on season 4 we see an interesting side of Armin. He is stressed 24/7 and also exhausted. At this point he is conflicted between helping, stoping and understanding Eren. Also, he is also watching Mikasa's pain and sorrow over Eren's behavior. They used to be a trio with established roles between them and now everything is a mess and he feels useless and helpless. We see Armin snap at the table scene. Pure rage is NOT something we have ever seen on him before. Suddenly he goes for the violent option when he is all about words and calculated actions. Can you imagine how much built up anger he had to just burst in blind rage like that?

In paths we can see how vulnerable he is. When he screams at his own self laying on the ground. He is screaming and telling horrible things about himself. It felt like he was always waiting to breakdown and finally he couldn't wait anymore. He seems like a very "suffer in silence" guy. Sometimes he might even tell how he feels but mostly will keep it to himself.

In the end, when he is about to confront Eren, he is determined but also a mess. He puts on Mikasa all his trust. He really is trusting her ability to finish this nightmare of the rumbling despite her very painfull and damaged feelings. He knows Eren is gonna die, knows that Mikasa will have to do it and also knows he has to get the blame. It takes so much to know all of this and not hesitate for a moment.

Overall, I think Armin is a very complicated character (almost all aot characters are complicated). He has a special place in my heart and sometimes I would like to chat with Isayama about him.

That's all, folks!

[theravenclawlover]

Monster

Parings: James “Bucky” Barnes x Reader.

Warnings: +18 Mentions of torture, mature language, future smut, mentions of death, slight depression, mentions of kidnapping.  

Word Count: 2,066.

Summary: You are one of the youngest members of the Avengers, and you love it. Out of the blue an impossible mission is assigned to you alongside Natasha Romanoff, and it was sure to change your life. Lies, and betrayal from the closest people in your life; they never told you who you really were.

Chapter Number: 2.

Chapter Tittle: The Mission.

A/N: Hey! I’m back with another update for this series as you can see! I’ve been so busy with life, it’s a little tiring. Who would’ve thought that online courses could be so homework heavy... Nevertheless, I made some time to twink this thing up and some other chapter, so my prediction is that maybe later or tomorrow there’s going to be another chapter up! Thank you for being so patient with me, it means a lot! Now for those who read my Harry Potter fics, I know I still owe you lot a smutty Weasley Twins fic, and I promise I’ll post it by the end of the month or beginnigs of next, I haven’t been able to finish it for some reason. Also, I think I’ll try to start drafting chapters for my “Welcome to the Industry of Porn.” It’s been almost a year since I last updated that one. Okay, I’ll stop! Enjoy my fellow readers! 

After getting things ready, Nat and you found yourselves in her car; Natasha on the wheel. She kept on glancing at you, not real expression set but it was kind of annoying you. At first it didn't bother you and didn't really mind it, but it had been an hour since her eyeing had begun, so the annoyance was bound to sprout from you any minute.

"What?" you said a little snappy, it couldn't be ignored any longer. It was just rude to stare.

"What?" echoed Natasha with feigned confusion.

"Why do you keep looking at me like that?" You exclaimed while turning to face her as much as you could with the seatbelt on.

"Like what?" She didn't turn like you had, but you were able to see the change of her expression from your seat, she just gave you a confused look at your words.

"Nat, you haven't stop looking at me! It might sound crazy, but you've looked worried ever since Steve mentioned this "Bucky" person." You couldn't stop from raising your voice a little. She was agitating you and you knew you probably were overreacting at the whole situation.

She let out a sigh before answering, "Y/n, we have been sent to bring the Winter Soldier by no means of force. He has memory problems because HYDRA thought it was a great idea to mess with his brain. So, I'm sorry If I can't take my mind out of it! Also, I'm not looking at you with worry, I was just wondering why you seem so calm." At the last words she'd turned to face you, having reached a red light.

"I never thought that I would witness what I believe is a mini freak out from you. Also, I had my breakdown in my room when we were getting ready. He's scary for what I've read in his report. Remember Washington? Stupid question, of course you do. Dude, I cried when you and Steve were on the run. Trust me, I'm fucking scared, but I'm trying to stay calm. I have a theory that he can smell fear. So, I'm practicing my 'I'm cool with a brainwashed assassin in the room' face," you exclaimed with the tiniest grin on your face. Joking about the matter seem to help with your anxiousness, and the exasperation from before now gone.

"To be honest with you, I'm rather impressed that you look better than I do right now," she said after stopping the car in front of a big old building that looked like it was about to fall, "we're here."

"Shit." It was really happening. All you had to do was peacefully bring a brainwashed dude with you back to the base. Should be easy. Piece of cake, right?

"Let's do this, " said Nat getting out of the car, her façade of tough—not really a façade, she was tough—assassin had 'activated' once more.

You both stepped through the rough looking doors, according to the last report on him, he was in last the floor going up. You were shaking a little when you had finally made your way up. Nat made her way toward the door with quiet steps. Once the two of you were in front of the room neither of you knew what to do next. Do we just knock, or we burst in like the badass women we fucking are? you thought to yourself, a little grin trying to break on your face. You didn't get to dwell on it for too long because Nat had knocked on the door, her face showed the clear regret of that action. She had just acted without thinking of the consequences of her actions—how odd.

There was a noise coming from inside, you could hear hesitant footsteps coming towards the door, you knew he was going to open the door anytime soon, but you didn't know what to do so you just stood there. The movements from inside suddenly stopped, you saw the shadow of someone right in front of the door from its order side. A second later, that someone opened the door, and lord did the sight made you blush.

The door opened to show a shirtless man, long hair covering his face. He looked as if he had just taken a shower, he hadn't been expecting anyone—I mean, who would? The building was mostly empty, except for the homeless that looked for shelter. You knew you were staring but you couldn't remove you gaze from his massive, muscular form, and that glistening arm.

"Good afternoon," said Natasha, breaking the silence. He didn't say anything he just kept looking at both of you trying to figure out who you two were, and most likely wondering why you had disturbed his peace and quiet. After her words, more silence came—awkward silence.

"We are here to help you out, we know who you are," Natasha proceeded to say without introductions. Wrong move. The calm face he'd had was now replace with a cold expression. Before either of you could muster words out, he'd closed the door and hurried back inside.

"Shit! Shouldn't have done that!" Natasha grabbed her gun kicking the door trying to stop him. You did the same thing, grabbed your gun and try to stop him before he disappeared once again. You knew it had been hard to get a hold on a ghost like the Winter Soldier, so you couldn't afford to mess the mission up.

Once inside, he had put out on a shirt and was ready to jump from the window. Nat shouted a 'stop' but he didn't listen, he jumped from the window. You ran to the window to see him landing flawlessly on the ground. Before running off, he turned his head, and you swore he winked your way. Without another glance, he ran and vanished from your view when he took the first turn to the left.

"Crap! The fucker ran away again! He was ready," said an angered Natasha, now standing by your side.

"That was so fast. Who gets dressed that fast?, and that bag must've been packed already," you said looking around for any type of intel you could find. You needed to know where he has heading next, that could help with the foul mood Fury was surely going to be in.

"I don't know, but what I do know is that we are in big trouble when we get back," said Natasha with a sigh escaping her lips. With one quick look around, you gave up and headed back to the car, your murder by your boss awaiting you.

                                                        °°°°°

"Sir, he just ran back inside and jumped from the window and disappeared." For the umpteenth time you told what had happened to Fury. When the two of you got to the new secret facility of S.H.I.E.L.D.—or what was left of it—you were to give your mission report to Fury. Steve was there, listening on how bad the mission had gone; he looked worried, but you had a feeling that it was because his friend was in the world off the radar rather than worried about either Nat or you being yelled at by Fury. You felt guilty, Natasha and you had messed up the chance for him to see this 'Bucky,' but at the same time you were slightly annoyed at his uncharacteristic coldness at your failure.

Fury was mad that you two had failed the mission, but he had known that someone like him was no easy target, but that doesn't mean that he let you off without some type of punishment. You knew that S.H.I.E.L.D wasn't the same organization that once was, now it was just a little group left since the incident with HYDRA. Fury told you after he had—somewhat—calm down that Natasha and you were to be in the tracking team. Meaning that you were to sit down in front of a computer until you got wind of him.

You got back to your room but not before spending the rest of the afternoon working for the new coordinates of where he could have run to hide. You opened the door to your room; once in, you kicked your shoes off and walked towards where your bed was, putting your gun and badge on the nightstand. You were exhausted to even remain awake while walking around to get things done. You went to the bathroom to take the most relaxing shower. The warm water felt so good against your tired body and your thoughts ran wild, with no care. At first it was just how bad you had mess up the mission and the guilt that came with that, but then you could only focus on him. Those piercing blue eyes that seem to take you away from reality... You shook your head trying to forget about those eyes, but you found yourself going back to them. They seem to bring you a sense of comfort that you couldn't explain. You quickly finished your shower, trying to rid yourself from thoughts of him. Once out, you grabbed your panties and the biggest, baggiest t-shirt you owned, and with no trouble you fell asleep.

                                                         °°°°°

You were in a room that seem too familiar for some reason, there was a glass window in front of you. You walked towards it; it showed another room. Your eyes landed in the person that was in the middle of the room, it was him. He was shirtless inside a capsule, he looked troubled while he slept. There were people waking him up, and when they did, they sat him on a chair not far from the capsule he had been. There were doctors around him with clipboards, and big machines were being situated around the blue-eyed man. You looked around, besides the doctors there were people in green outfits—officers. Then you looked to your other side and saw one of the doctors coming to the room you were in, he walked towards to what looked like a control panel. You saw him pressing some buttons, and the big machines in the other room started moving.

Your eyes moved to find his, he was already staring right at you; he couldn't see you, though, the glass didn't allow it. One of the doctors near him grabbed something and put it in his mouth, him never questioning what. He kept looking straight ahead, you felt as if he could really see you through the glass, it made you shiver unconsciously. One of the doctors now gave a signal towards the glass, and so, the man on your side of the glass pressed one button and the machine got closer to the man sitting on the chair. Before you could guess what was going on, he was screaming. You didn't want to see, your heart ached at the way his eyes shut abruptly, how his knuckles were now white from gripping the chair. You couldn't look away and you weren't even able to flinch at his screams. You didn't know how long it went like that, but all the screaming was soon replaced with a shrilling silence. As soon as he was still, dead-looking, some officers were now helping him up and taking him somewhere else. Everyone started to leave, doctors and officers alike—loud-ish chatter amongst them. There was one person who didn't move, and he was looking at you. The man smiled and made his way towards you, he seemed familiar and nice.

"What you just saw, Y/n, was how we made our best weapon stay emotionless, and strong. That is why he is valuable to us; he doesn't show emotions towards his victims." The man was now kneeling in front of you, "now, honey, we better get you to your room. Tomorrow is going to be another day full of training."

"Yes, sir," you said. Your voice sounded so young, probably less than ten years old. He picked you up, and you wrapped your tiny arms around his neck. It took forever to get to what you guessed was your room. Once inside and you were changed into your pajamas, he helped you get in bed, tucking you in.

"Have sweet dreams, my little princess," said the man that was looking at you with loving eyes.

You gave him a soft, sleepy smile before yawning while muttering softly, "goodnight, papa."  

Tag list:

@boredtotearz100 @john-benderr @cnco-ravenclaw-46

[rosemarylemonades]

we are going to do a big messy feelings dump cuz i am out here bottling a lot of things up and would like to just release a little bit of it so I can be okay 💖

Preface this with the fact that I am currently okay I just have a lot of things on the brain

Anyway I'm just in such a shitty situation right now and I'm handling it. I have it figured out but I shouldn't have to be dealing with it and it sucks ass and I'm so stressed out every waking second of my day thinking about it and I just want it to be OVER but it's not and it won't be for at least 6 more days but god I'm just exhausted from it and I have extremely limited time to myself because of it and I would just like a night where I can do whatever I want and talk to my pals and be comfortable in my room and not have to think about the situation, and also wish I could quit finding creative ways to blame myself for what's going on lmao

And because of said situation I am dealing with massive Christmas Guilt, which I know is just kind of stupid in the first place because Christmas really isn't that big of a deal but like. I haven't really been able to celebrate much, I did get to do a Friendsmas with some of my best friends which was really fun! And I got to see my mom! And some close friends gave me really sweet and thoughtful gifts! But I LOVE giving gifts and doing other nice things for my friends and I haven't been able to this year because lack of time and energy and it simply makes me feel Bad. Maybe I will make New Year's my new Christmas and do a bunch of nice things for pals for that to make up for it

In good news??? I don't think I've had a ptsd episode in at least a month??? Maybe two I do not tend to keep track of the length of time between them I just know I haven't had a fucking meltdown in a hot minute and that is very nice, some things still occasionally Activate things that make me fee bad (tonight a lyric in a song that hit me completely differently than the context of it in the song made me start bawling on my drive home) but it's been so manageable recently. Coworker put her arm around me today and it was Comforting and Friendly instead of making me want to claw my skin off because oh god someone is fucking touching me and I also have been able to experience Romantic Feelings without having a complete and total breakdown thinking about everything my abuser did to me

Overall. I had such a great today and I am happy. I just needed to let some shit out cuz I have a lot on my plate right now and if I keep bottling it up I will not continue feeling as happy as I did today and please do not be concerned about me

[aliceslantern]

Nocturnal Memory, a Kingdom Hearts fanfiction, chapter 10

[Summary:  Dying takes a lot out of you, it's true, but when Demyx wakes up for the first time since his fight with Sora nothing's right. His memories are fragmented and he's missing his true name. And he's not the only one. An incomprehensible mystery and an inevitable war make him question what, exactly, he would do to become whole, and reclaim the music lost to him.

on FF.net/on AO3]

"Well, what are you sitting there for? I mean today," Even snapped.

Demyx got up too fast, and vertigo rolled through him. He put on his shoes and followed them out the door. He still felt weak and struggled to keep up with their brisk pace.

But they didn't leave the castle. Instead they went straight into some office Demyx never had been to. The room was round, with low bookshelves all along the walls, and a massive picture frame leaning against the wall had been covered by tarps. Even and Ienzo breezed right through to the room behind it.

Demyx barely had time to take the room in. There was a console computer overlooking a gaping hall. It looked like there were massive glass containers on the wall—containers more than big enough to fit a person. He exhaled sharply. "What—"

Even turned to face him. "Tell me something, Nine," he said. "What do you feel now?"

"What?" Demyx repeated.

"How did you know it was darkness?" He pressed.

"Well…" He could barely tear his gaze from the glass containers. Even, Ienzo, the rest—they had been scientists—their experiments dealt with darkness in the human heart—he took a shaky breath. "I… felt wrong for a few days when I worked with the committee," he explained. "Like, tired, like my muscles were burning, and even when I slept I never got my energy back. I thought it was just because I was using my powers too much, but yesterday… it was worse than usual."

"Can you describe how?" Ienzo asked gently. Demyx saw Even pacing back and forth, mouthing words to himself.

He clasped his arms around himself. "The burning was like all over, and then my teeth started going numb. And it reminded me of when I became a Nobody. I had thought that maybe it was a toxin in the water, from sitting stagnant for so long right above those crystals, but…" His throat was still dry and he swallowed. "It made me feel… dirty, kind of… itchy…"

Ienzo came towards him. He put a finger under Demyx's chin and looked deep into his eyes. He checked his pulse as well. "You seem unharmed," he said. "I don't even smell the darkness on you."

"It didn't touch me. I felt it in the water. I didn't make it up, I swear, I—"

"We never thought you made it up," Ienzo said, as Even's muttering increased in volume. "Still… curious, how were you able to feel it without being exposed?"

"My powers," Demyx tried hopelessly. "I can feel bodies of water in my consciousness. I used to be able to figure stuff out about them—if they were contaminated, or drinkable, or how deep or far away from me they were. I hadn't gotten that back yet, but I think the darkness, for whatever reason, gave it back to me for a little while and I wasn't ready for it."

"We already know darkness does not confine itself to any logic," Even said. "You must be very careful and tell us in an instant if you begin to feel that way again."

Ienzo dove towards the computer console and began to hammer away at the computer. "It won't let me in," he hissed. "They must have changed all our passwords."

Demyx had never seen Ienzo this close to losing his cool. Nausea began to curdle in his stomach.

"Remember the backdoor, Ienzo," Even said in a voice that was probably supposed to be soothing. He went over to him. "We will fix this."

"We've done enough," Ienzo said bitterly. He slammed on the keys. "Damn it!"

Demyx flinched.

Even put an arm around him. "Take a deep breath, Ienzo. We need you to be calm."

He did so several times. Demyx swore he saw tears beading in the corners of his eyes.

"This is not something we can do on our own," Even said to Ienzo. "We can do some damage control for now, but we need the boy."

"Me?" Demyx asked faintly.

"No, Nine, but we need you to sense the extent of the damage. We need…" he grimaced, as if he tasted something bitter. "We need Sora."

Demyx's blood ran cold. "No," he said through his teeth. "No, I… I can't…"

"You felt how strong the darkness was. Do you want to risk exposing the townspeople to it?" Even asked.

His hands started to shake. "How long will it take him to get here?"

"Depends on where he is in his journey," Ienzo said in a shaky voice. He kept his eyes on the floor. "It could be minutes, it could be hours."

"I will go and explain the situation to the committee," Even said. "Both of you need to stay here and field the situation. That is, if you believe yourself capable of keeping it together."

He's coming. The words jumbled together in Demyx's head. He was coming and even worse Demyx would have to work with him. An ache sprang up in his chest and his lungs constricted. He slid down against the nearest wall.

The battle. The blood. The bluntness of the Keyblade scraping against his chest. A tight, pained sound left his mouth.

"He won't hurt you," Ienzo said tiredly. He leaned against the console for support. "If anything, he'll be looking to make amends."

Demyx clutched his knees to try and stop his hands from trembling. Breathe. Count to ten. Was it darkness or pure fear making him feel this way? Slick, cold sweat gathered on his back. And then when he'd woken up after dying nothing was the same, nothing was right—

"You're not the only one who faced defeat at the hands of Sora," Ienzo said. His voice was still faint and his eyes faraway. "Perhaps you should talk to Xal—ah, Dilan. You might find it somewhat cathartic."

Cold tears snaked down his face, but at least he seemed able to breathe again. "Why are you so afraid?" Demyx asked.

Ienzo shut his eyes. "Because," he said. "All of this—Xehanort, the world falling to darkness, Nobodies, the Organization—it's because of me."

"…What?" Demyx said.

A long moment of silence. Ienzo's breathing became more labored, and he was trembling, but Demyx couldn't bring himself to go over and comfort him. "When… when I was a young child, studying under Ansem the Wise," he began. "I was quite precocious—precocious enough for them to introduce me to their own research. Ansem the Wise was always a man who was interested in the heart, but he didn't dare put any of his ideas into physical practice. The ethics, you see. The people of Radiant Garden used to be so strongly moral. With the arrival of the boy—Xehanort in Terra's body—it reawakened his curiosity. And I chose that moment to strike. I convinced him, and the others quickly backed me, to build a laboratory and put some rudimentary experiments into practice. It was all to try and heal the boy's memories; he was an amnesiac. He had replaced me as the favorite, the protégé, and I was jealous. I thought—if I could help him, then… We only had good intentions. And then…"

Demyx swallowed. "…And then?"

"Because of the psychological and emotional rigor of the tests, the darkness within the subjects' hearts spread like flame and devoured them. And we learned about the Heartless." His voice was level but his face was splotchy and tears coursed steadily down his face. "Whatever came next-inadvertently it was all because of me. And I wanted to spare him pain. Him. All along."

Demyx didn't know what to say.

"I am trying my best to try and make up for what I did," he said. "But I can never undo it. I can never go back in time. I… must take my leave." He strode briskly out of the room and left Demyx there alone to contemplate the new meaning of the bottles on the wall.

He came quietly, and he came alone.

Demyx associated Sora with theatrics and loud bravado; not to mention those accursed friends of his. When he heard the knock on the wall, he assumed it was Even or one of the others, but then he looked up and saw the spiky hair and sky-blue eyes. Demyx's heart flew into his throat and choked him.

Demyx was still alone, as well. Ienzo's breakdown must have hit him pretty hard. Instinctively, he took a step back and raised his hands. He tried to breathe, and tasted bile.

Despite panic Demyx noticed that Sora looked different. Not just the outfit, or the hair, but the slump in his posture and the exhausted glint in his eye.

"I thought nobody was here," Sora said in a quiet voice. "Where is everyone?"

He dropped his hands. Sora expected an answer, but he couldn't speak.

Sora took a step forward. He was smaller than Demyx, and looked like he needed a good night's sleep. "You were the one who first sensed it, right?"

He nodded.

Sora walked past him over to the computer. "I'm not gonna hurt you," he said to the wall of bottles. "I can feel how tense you are from here."

The voice was uncanny, but Demyx was certain this was a different Sora. Still, he couldn't feel all that sorry for him. "Where are your friends?" he asked in a tremulous voice.

"They have other friends they need to help," Sora said. They made eye contact for the first time, and a chill shot down his spine. "It's just me. If that's okay."

You killed me, Demyx thought, but the words didn't leave his mouth. He shrugged.

"So I guess that means," Sora continued awkwardly. "That you turned out okay? After… our fight?" His hand flicked up to the back of his neck. "You're helping the committee. That means a lot to me."

"Not really," Demyx said. "I mean, I'm not."

"Not helping the committee? But Yuffie said—"

"No. I am. But I'm not okay."

"Oh," Sora said. "I'm… sorry. Is there anything I can do?"

Is there anything he can do? A blazing anger scalded away the rest of the fear, but Demyx was speechless.

The sound of footsteps in the hallway interrupted any stillborn expletives. Lea swaggered into the room, Keyblade akimbo. "Hey, you made it!" He called to Sora. "You know, you look terrible." Demyx watched in morbid fascination as they high-fived. "Oh, hey, Demyx," Lea added neutrally.

Sora squinted at him. "You still go by that name?"

"He has no other," Lea said. "It's a long story, right?"

"Right," Demyx said through his teeth.

"But he knows," Sora said quickly, and with a trace of panic. "He knows about the-?"

Lea put a hand on Sora's shoulder. "We still waiting for the others?"

"They think it has something to do with the lab," Demyx said. "And I have no idea how to get there."

Lea's smile faltered a little. "Well, don't worry about that, because I do."

"It's going to be dangerous," Sora said. "Can you fight?"

He had no weapon and his powers were unpredictable at best. He shrugged.

"I've got him covered," Lea said.

"I only sensed darkness in the water," Demyx said. "That doesn't mean I can face it."

"Maybe we should leave him here, then," Sora said.

It was irritating to be referred to like an object. Demyx grit his teeth.

"That may be so, but the boy might be our only indicator that the problem is solved." Even came from the doorway. Ienzo was not with him. "The laboratory's placement… was unfortunate in that regard. Connected right to a massive underground reservoir. Hello, Sora."

Sora squinted. "Hey, there."

"You don't remember me, do you? No matter. It's for the best."

Lea exhaled. "All right, old man. Let's get going."

The four of them went through a doorway to the south of the room. The lighting in here was dim at best, and a long, spiraling ramp proceeded down as far as Demyx could see. "Where is Ienzo?" He asked.

"He wanted to come, but he was unwell. I insisted he remain behind and lie down. He's let himself get all torn up about it. Things have changed. It will take him a while to realize that this burden is not his alone to bear, but all of ours."

Demyx noticed Lea look away sulkily. He drew his Keyblade.

"I don't like this place," Sora said. "What happened?"

"Are you sure you want to know?" Even asked. "Really, truly sure? I would be glad to address it another time over tea. You must keep your head."

"I know it had something to do with… hearts," Sora continued. "But all the information I have is vague."

"I never realized you cared," Lea cut in. "Since when do you gather intel?"

Sora shrugged. "It helps," he said weakly.

As they proceeded down the staircase, it grew darker and colder. A thick, acrid smoky smell filled the air. The faint lights couldn't fight the gloom. Sora gathered a small ball of light in his hands, and Lea created one of fire. Demyx and Even huddled close behind.

"We're getting close," Even said.

Demyx could see his breath. A shudder crawled across his skin, but a hot bubbling sensation started in his peripheral, accompanied by a massive pressure. Even was right; the reservoir was huge. He gasped out loud. He felt like he was being squeezed.

"Nine?" Even asked through the darkness.

"I feel it," he said.

"I do too," Sora said.

"I'm afraid it's gonna get worse before it gets better," Lea said. "We're barely halfway there. Will you be okay?"

"I think so," Sora said. Demyx couldn't be too sure. An overwhelming nausea gathered in his stomach and he kept his mouth shut.

The stairway emptied out to a flat floor full of doors with slotted windows. Overhead fluorescents popped on, but it didn't do anything to ease the gloom. They all tensed at once; Even and Lea both wore tight, drawn expression. Sora's eyes flooded with tears and a hand fluttered over his mouth. "Their pain… I… what happened, here?"

"I believe we can discuss it later," Even said firmly.

"No." Sora's voice was sharp. "I have to know. Pain like this—it's not natural. Can't you hear that?"

All Demyx heard was a pressing silence and the simmering of the water roiling with darkness. He leaned against a wall to keep his balance.

"Look at where we are, Sora. What do you think happened?" Lea asked in a harsh voice.

Sora stepped back. He glanced at the cells. His eyes widened and he turned even paler. "Why?" He asked. "Why? How?" He spat the last word at Even.

"Sora, you have to keep it together so we can fix this," Even said.

He turned. "I have to—I have to help them," he muttered.

"It's too late for them now," Even said. "But you can keep the people above from reaching the same fate."

"It's not too late for them," Demyx said faintly. He was feverish. "If we fix this, we'll be helping them."

"Them?" Lea asked.

"Not all people who become Heartless become Nobodies," Demyx said. "Their souls and bodies have to go somewhere. And the darkness keeps them here."

They all looked at him. Finally Sora nodded. "All right. Enough is enough. Where do we have to go?"

"There's only one more level," Lea said. "If they're not here, they're going to be down there." He gestured with the flame in his palm.

Sora bobbed his head again. "I'll go alone," he said.

"What? Are you crazy?" Lea barked. "You could still get slaughtered down there."

"It won't help them go in peace if their perpetrators are the one taking them down. Again." Sora's gaze was fierce. "So I'm going." He turned to Demyx. "Will you come with me?"