#i just want to relax

[kitty-x-kat]

I know it's not that serious.

But the first day all week I actually have time to play Xbox and fucking Xbox live is down and like...bro why.

[an-ace-on-the-case]

Sorry in advance for the angry rant

CWs: mentions of adhd meds (idk if that's a cw but I put it just to be safe)

Let me tell you about "gifted kids". Many people think that saying you are/were a "gifted kid" is a brag. They want to be a "gifted kid" because clearly it's so easy. But it isn't.

I am a "gifted kid".

Throughout all of primary school I coasted. I always passed all my assessments, usually with straight As. It wasn't challenging. I found it easy.

Then I started high school.

I'm in the extension class, often called the 'Smart Kids Class'. I've been in it since I started high school. We do extra work for all of the core subjects, on top of all of the normal assessments.

Year seven was awful. Way too many late nights were spent, finishing assessments the night before they were due. Many many mental breakdowns. My mental health declined. I had no confidence in myself, in my ability to do anything. I didn't think I was good enough, because it had been drilled into me since prep that failing academically was failing as a person. Sure the teachers had never outright said it but it was heavily implied.

It turns out that I had adhd. How could've guessed?

Year 8 was better, my adhd was medicated and I could keep on top of my work better. It was probably the best year I've had, despite all of the friendship issues. I could keep on top of work easily, I wasn't struggling anymore.

But then. Time skip to the start of this year.

The adhd meds stopped working.

I had built up a tolerence and I needed to up the dose. But the only appointment available was halfway through May this year. I just had to push through on my current dose.

It started again. The mental breakdowns about twice a month. Struggling to stay on top of work. Forgetting homework. Forgetting assessments. Procrastination. Everything I thought I left behind was back, and it was worse. I had some experience so I managed to get through it, but not unscathed. My mental health is shit. I have massive self-esteem issues. I have no confidence in any of the things I used to be confident in. I can't enjoy anything that is associated with school, which means I no longer enjoy drama. I don't feel like I can write anymore.

In the end, I went to the appointment. We're trying to decide which dose works for me best. But it's still so hard. The worst part is no one else seems to get it. Only about four other people in my class are (proabably) neurodivergent, and I'm not even great friends with them.

My life right now is a combination marathon, sprint, hop, and plate balancing. The marathon is to the end of the year, when I can have a rest, reset, relax. I also have to sprint, to try and keep up with all of schoolwork. But I have to hop, because it's so much harder for me to do the same goddamn thing my peers can do with ease. And on top of all that. I have to balance all my schoolwork, homework, extra-curricular activities, social life, self-care, mental health, and basic needs.

It's only term two and I'm already fucking exhausted.

But on the outside.

To everyone else watching.

I seem

fine.

So maybe

Just maybe

People who weren't/aren't "gifted kids" should stop wishing that they were.

[a-small-writer-in-a-big-world]

I’m going to lose my mind

[graunblida]

i'm gonna be away visiting family for a couple of days and then when i get back we've got a busy weekend ahead of us at my store for 4/20 so my activity will be kind of bonkers. don't expect much from me lol but i will lurk when i can!

[vyisbusy]

me ghosting people as a defense mechanism because i can’t handle a tiny bit of stress or be inconvenienced in any way

[lenteur]

brain and eyes have been used so much today... don't ask me anything, i don't know.

[fxtuisms]

imagine being alive. im so tired.

[im working through like five drafts]

[setteri]

Send me to Naxos to Dionysus so that I can drink wine with him and listen to his stories, including Bacchic crazy rites.

[oswinunknown]

vent n art below

you ever tryna vibe n all of a sudden u start fearing that you wont find someone to be ur s/o bc of factors like finding a dude who loves other dudes and also a trans guy like urself, then the big hitters come in like self identity issues and body image issues and before u know it your sitting in ur room drawing urself sad bc ur too tired to express it irl and you dont know whats gonna happen because you know its gonna take time but at the same time you yearn for someone irl?

thats what it feels to drive a ford evonfiddy /J\

[rebeccakatherine]

Yes.

[july-19th-club]

seriously have been thinking about this all night long. call me autistic but the fact that 90% of workplaces the point is not to get your work done and then be done doing it but to instead perform an elaborate social dance in which you find something to do even when you're done doing everything you need to do in order to show your fellow workers that you, too, are Working . because you are at Work . disgusting why cant we all agree that if there is no work immediately to be done. we just dont do anything

[qep0ermint]

[hinamie]

someone asked if i had ever drawn gojo with his scars, now i have :>

[n0chanxes]

stepping away from dash

this new reblog shit is pissing me off and i don't want me pissy modd effecting my replies

[ndb-123]

Me: I feel bad.

Brain: There's nothing we can do to directly fix the situation, but maybe we can try a coping strategy that helps us relax and clear our head?

Me: Okay cool, let's get started.

Brain: For this to work well, we need to get into a different headspace. But to trigger that headspace, we're going to have to interact with media that either reminds us of why we're sad, or is directly connected to the thing that's making us sad.

Me: Okay, I don't want that. Is there any other way to trigger the headspace?

Brain: Nope. Suffer.

[magicspaceuncle]

I recognize that - if it had to happen that day - the way it did, place it did, and time it did couldnt have been more perfect even if I had planned it myself. But that doesnt make it any less heartachingly upsetting that it happened at all.

Veronica (my car) is in the shop again. The theory is that the hole in my exhaust pipe (1.5yr ago someone tried to steal my catalytic converter and bitched out before finishing the first cut, I havent been able to afford a new one or even to pay someone to weld the damn hole shut so its still just. There being annoying and making noise.) has been preventing the exhaust system from clearing out properly, and a carbon/whatever buildup on some intake valve somewhere is limiting oxygen and causing my engine to suffocate. Havent heard back from the mechanic yet so we'll see what they find during diagnostic.

Fml though. All I want to do is pay back everything I owe to friends/family who bailed me out during our move, pay the last of the bills from the old place, and move on so I can finally relax for once in my fucking adult life. But alas. Im not allowed to relax yet, apparently.